*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 79520 *** The BENEFIT of F A R T I N G EXPLAIN’D: OR, THE FUNDAMENT-all _CAUSE of the Distempers incident to the_ Fair Sex. Inquir'd into: Proving _à Posteriori_ most of the _Dis ordures_ in-_tail'd_ on, them are owing to _Flatulencies_ not seasonably vented. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Wrote in _Spanish_, by Don _Fart-in-hando Puff-indorst_ Professor of _Bumbast_ in the University of _Craccow_. AND Translated into _English_ at the Request and for the Use of the Lady _Damp-Fart_, of _Her-fart-shire_. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— _A FART, tho' wholesome does not fail, If barr'd of Passage by the Tail, To fly back to the Head again, And by its Fumes disturb the Brain: Thus Gun-powder confin'd, you know Sir, Grows stronger, as 'tis ram'd the closer; But, if in open Air it fires, In harmless Smoke its Force expires._ ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— _The_ +Thirteenth Edition+, _with Additions, revis'd by a College of_ Phyzz-icians, _and approved by several Ladies of Quality_. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— _LONDON:_ Printed for _A. Moore_, near St. _Paul's_, and Sold by the Book sellers, 1727. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— THE Benefit of _FARTING_ EXPLAIN'D, _&c._ To which is added, A Certificate of its Virtues, from the Court of the Princess _ARSEMINI_. Together with some Verses on a Lady's _Fart_, in the Philippic strain. ALSO A +Meditation+ on _T----d_, wrote in a Place of EASE. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— (Price Six-pence.) #################################################################### A +Certificate+ from the +Court+ of the Princess _ARSEMINI_. We whose Names are underwritten, finding by bodily Experience, as well as by the Testimony of many open-hearted and sound bottom'd Persons of both Sexes, the Virtues of the Prescriptions of our dear Cousin and profoundly Learned Dr. _Don Fart in-hando Puff-indorst_, in all the Distempers mention'd in his excellent Treatise hereunto subjoin'd, do, for preventing any Breach in the Constitutions, of our Fellow Subjects, as also of our beloved and confederate Town of _Gibralter_, recommend a serious Perusal and uninterrupted Practice of the same from their several Bum Batteries. Given under our Hands, the _20th_ of this windy Month, _March, 1726/7_. _Dorothy Dampfart_ _Eliza. Dorseit_ _Maria Bumfret_ _Letitia Turnout_ _Mary Selwind_ _D. Beaufort_ _Amelia Touchbum_ _Mary Ventworth_ _Fr. Manners_ _K. Windham_ _Sarah Smallbore_ _Ann Wappingtone_ _Margaret Proof_ _Jane Holdbritch_ _Grace Gunthorp_ _Alice Crackenthorp_ _Susan Chaffin_ _Henrietta Wardhole_ _Rebecca Rumball_ _Arabella Ventris_ _E. Arsepinall, D. D._ _J. Shitwell, M. D._ _H. Blow, M. D._ _Geo. Streinatall, M. D._ _J. Swift, D. D._ #################################################################### _POSTSCRIPT_ BY WAY OF PREFACE. #################################################################### Venti indignantes magno cum Murmure Ventris, Circum Claustra fremunt, _media_ sedet _Æholus Arce_. _Virgil. Æneid._ lib. 1. #################################################################### _Liberty and Property, are the two great Blessings, every_ British _Subject claims, as his Birth right; why Mr._ Breech _should be denied this Benefit, I see no Reason, but his Shame-facedness to appear in his own Behalf. 'Tis true, he always sat in the House of_ Commons, _being at all Elections unanimously chose as Representative for the Burrough of_ Rumpfort, _but through Modesty was ever observ'd to keep_ behind Backs: _He never_ open'd _his Mouth in the House, but all the Members round_ nos'd _him, and took_ Snuff _at every thing he_ offer'd, _because 'twas said, that in his younger Days, he had been a_ Button-maker (_though falsely_), _for I remember him from his Youth, to have been a_ Wind-Merchant, _which he vented by_ Hole-Sail _and_ re-Tail. _This Use put him under a constraint of being Silent, though he often_ grumbled inwardly _for it_. _He had two Sons_; Sir Reverence, _being the Younger, was_ Knighted _by K._ James; _the other was a_ Noisy, Rattling, Cracking _Fellow: He applied himself to the Practice of_ Musick _and_ Phyz-ick, _and was particularly famous for the Cure of the_ Wind-_C_Holeick, _but none ever relish'd his Musical Performance. He married into the Family of the_ Swifts, _and was so active in Running, that none could ever catch him, if he once got the Start_. _Beside these two, there was another_ Foisted _on him, but believing him to be illegitimate, he was ashamed to own him; he died young, and therefore made no_ Noise _in the World_. _This Mr._ Breech, _the Father of these, was a Man of a good_ Report, _though some are so malicious to say, he us'd to play at_ FAST _and_ LOOSE; _he was sometimes sickly, which was imputed to his being formerly bit by a_ Tarantula, _because he was always observed to be relieved by the playing of a_ Bag-pipe. _The_ hole _History of his Life and Actions, has been lately published by a_ Learned and Reverend Doctor, _wherein he makes him the Eighth_ Wonder of the World, _and by way of Excellency over the other Seven, has stil'd him, the Most Wonderful of them all; and though he endeavour'd to conceal him under the dark Veil of an_ Enigma, _yet we quickly_ smelt _out his_ Hole _Meaning_. Tom Punsibi _who first taught him his_ Ars in Presenti, _was often very_ Smart _upon him with his_ Puns, _and he could_ digest _every thing but that_; Tom _never looked him in the Face, but he made him tremble; they never met but Blows ensued, but_ Tom _was always sure to come off Conqueror; but not withstanding_, Tom _has made a Convert of him, and_ instilled _into him the Principles of_ Passive Obedience. _Now the Design of the following_ Essay, _is to obtain Liberty for him to_ vent _his_ Scent-iments _freely, and that he may be_ Heard _without Offence, and not be_ bound _to keep Silence; since such a Freedom will prove so serviceable to the_ Fair Sex. _If I have_ HANDLED _THE_ SUBJECT _to their good Liking I hope they will loudly_ Crack _of the Benefit received, and That I shall judge a sufficient Reward for all my Trouble, who am_ _their most Humble Servant_, +Fart-in-hando Puff-indorst+. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— _N. B. Some celebrated Toasts, convinc'd of the Strength of the ensuing Arguments, having attempted to bring the Practice herein recommended into Fashion at C--rt, 'twould be the highest Ingratitude, not to return Thanks (in this Edition demanded from their kind Applauses) to such fair and powerful Advocates, or to deny a Place for the following Lines on the laudable_ Performance _of one of these famed Heroines_. #################################################################### ON Miss _V------e_'s F----T, IN THE PHILIPPCK STILE. Lovely Babe of Maid of Honour, Every Grace shall smile upon her, Sweetest Warbler of the Tail, Soft as Breeze of _Southern_ Gale; Or the fanning _Zephyrs_ Blast, Over Beds of Spices past; Gentle Puff of fragrant Air, Squeez'd from Breech of Virgin Fair; 'Tis by Thee the Fair discover, Proof of Vigour in a Lover; Silent Fizzle, or speaking Fart, Easily both Ease impart; Sweet Fore-boder, joyful Sound, To the Belly that's hard bound; Cure of Cholick, Cure of Gripes, Tuneful Drone of lower Pipes. Thus the Winds in Cavern pent, Widen Holes, and force a Vent; Stealing Whisper, 'scape of Bum, Soft as Flute, or loud as Drum; Downwards breathing, backwards sigh, Happy Smock that lies so nigh; Happy she that can this Way, Shut her Mouth, but loudly Bray. #################################################################### THE Benefit of _FARTING_ EXPLAIN'D. #################################################################### _Si fartus Venter_ crepitu _luctante labor at_, Ars _te Sanabit, vento spiracula dando. Flatum ne retine; propellito fortiter hostem, Rumbulus, et Ructus, crepitus strepitusq; Juvabunt._ English't thus, for the _Benefit_ of the Ladies. _If you're opprest by rumbling Wind,_ } _Strain hard, to squeeze it out behind._ } _From Puffs, and crackling_ Farts, _Relief you'll find_. } #################################################################### It Has been observed of late Years, since the primitive wholsome Custom of _Toast_ and _Nutmeg_ in a Morning has been superseded by that pernicious Practice of _Tea_ and _Coffee_, that a numberless Train of Distempers, scarce known to our Forefathers, as Spleen, Vapours, Hips, _&c._ have become as universal among us as the Small Pox; the Weight of which has fallen chiefly on the Fair Sex, for Reasons I shall give hereafter. I wou'd not, on any score, be thought Guilty of a Design, to run down those pleasant Liquors, or derogate the least Tittle, from their due Praise, since I should thereby cause the Ladies to level the whole _Artillery_ of their Resentment against me; but must say this in their Favour, That, in the First place, they serve as an Amusement, to divert two or three Hours, that would otherwise lye very heavy on their Hands in a Morning; and Secondly, to purge of that sharp corroding Humour call'd Scandal, which else (if two long retained) might ulcerate their Memory; and, Thirdly, it promotes a free Circulation of Intelligence, which, they'd have no Opportunity of coming at, being debar'd the Benefit of going to Coffee-houses or the Exchange. But, as the greatest Blessings are sometimes attended with some Inconveniency, Wine that makes our Heart glad, can also rob us of our Reason; so these most wholesome and pleasing Liquors, may, if not us'd with Caution, produce ill Consequences, the Prevention of which for the Benefit of that Sex, is the design of this Essay. As in Sipping of these Liquors Hot, there is commonly as much _Wind_ as _Water_ sucked in, which thro' Modesty being debar'd a Passage downwards, when Nature offers, recoils up into the Bowels, Stomach and Head, and there occasions all those dreadful Symptoms usually ascribed to the _Vapours_; all which one seasonable FART might have prevented. It has likewise been assigned as the first Cause of Quakerism, and Enthusiasm, as _Hudibras_ observes. _As Wind in Hypchondria pent, Is but a FART, if downward sent; But, if supprest, it upward flies, And vents itself in Prophecies._ I shall therefore, in the _first place_, enquire into the _Nature_ and _Essence_ of a FART. _Secondly_, Shew the ill Consequences of suppressing it. _Thirdly_, Prove the Lawfulness of it. And _Fourthly_, and _Lastly_, Shew the many Advantages will attend an act of Toleration or free Liberty that way. _First_, It is a Question greatly controverted among the Learned, Whether a +Fart+ be a spiritual or a material Substance? The Professors of Meta-Phyz-icks have argued warmly for its Spirituality; but the Naturalists as strongly oppose them. The famous Mr. _Boyle_ brings it in as an Example to prove the vast Subtilty of Matter, since a +Fart+, which in the _Hydrostatical_ Ballance does not weigh the Thousandth part of a Grain, shall, in one Minute, expand it self so far, as to occupy the whole Atmosphere of a large DRAWING ROOM. The _Chymists_ endeavoured to enquire into its Nature, by resolving it into its first Principles, but they ever found it as Volatile, and as hard to fix as _Mercury_; they all allow it to abound much in a volatile Sulphur, which they infer, from the brisk Sensation, wherewith it affects the Organs of Smelling, and from its burning _Blew_, as has been found by Experiment. _Cartesius_ begs it as a Principle for his Philosophy, and to make it relish the better, new christened it by the name of _Materia Subtilis_, and cooking up his System to the _French_ Taste, he concluded so savoury an Ingredient would please their Palate; but it proved as unlucky a Material, as the Salt-peter in the Fryar's Composition that first discover'd _Gun-powder_; for, taking _Vent_, it _Blew_ up his whole System, and exploded all his Philosophy. The _Mathematicians_ steer'd a middle Course between the Naturalists and the Meta Phiz-icians; they own'd a +Fart+ to be a Quantity yet In[di]visible, and gave it the Name of a Mathematical Point, as having neither _Length_, _Breadth_ nor _Thickness_. I therefore define a +Fart+ to be, "A Nitro-aerial Vapour, exhal'd from an adjacent Pond of Stagnant Water of a Saline Nature, and rarified and sublimed into the Nose of a Microcosmical Alembic, by the gentle Heat of a _STERCORARIOUS_ Balneum, with a strong Empyreuma, and forc'd through the Posteriours by the Compressive Power of the expulsive Faculty". * * * * * _Secondly_, Having explained the Nature and Essence of a +Fart+, I shall next enquire into the ill Consequences of suppressing it, which are almost obvious to every one's Experience; for in its Retrogradation, it causes _CHOLICKS_, _HYSTERICKS_, _RUMBLINGS_, _BELCHING_, _SPLEEN_, &c. but in Women of a more strong Constitution, it vents itself intirely in Talkativeness; hence we have a Reason, why Women are more Talkative than Men; for as the Poet observes, 'Words own Wind to be their Mother, 'Which, stop't at one end, burst out at t'other. Hence comes the usual Saying, _Tell a Tale, or let a FART_; implying the Necessity of Vent, one Way or t'other. The remarkable Taciturnity of the late Widow +Fartwell+, is a convincing Proof of this Doctrine; for having her Posteriours much dilated and relaxed by a two frequent Use of Clysters in her Younger Days, she was so debilitated her in retentive Faculty, that her Wind passing too freely that Way, there wanted a sufficient Supply to set the Wind-Mill of her Tongue a-going. The frequent Fitts of Laughing and Crying, without any sensible Cause, (Symptoms common to such as are troubled with the Vapours are) plainly accountable from this Suppression; for the Windy Vapour getting into the Muscles that assist in Laughing, inflates them, and occasions their Laughing; but if this Vapour, when rais'd to the Head, is there condensed by a cold melancholy Constitution, it distills thro' the Eyes in Form of Tears. * * * * * _Thirdly_, As for the Lawfulness of +Farting+, none I hope will dispute that Point with me, 'till they shew me a Law against it, which I am satisfied they cannot do; and, Where there is no Law, there can be no Transgression. The _Cannon Law_ (if I mistake not) is loudly for it, and the Law of Nature seems to be of our Side, and though it seems to be against the _Civil_ Law, yet the Severity of that Law was provided against, by King _James_ the first; for a Gentleman dying by suppressing a +Fart+ in his Presence, the King had immediately wrote over the Gate in Capital Letters this Inscription, HERE ALL FARTS ARE FREE. And _Cambden_ observes the Ancient Esteem +Farts+ were in, by Lands held by one _Baldwin_ (_le Pettour_, i. e. the _FARTER_) at _Hemingston_ in _Suffolk_, by the Tenure of coming into Court on a certain Day, and performing _Saltus_, _Sufflatus_, & _Bumbulus_, i. e. Capering, Puffing, and +Farting+. _Cambd._ p. 464. Its being contrary to Custom is no Plea, since the same Authority which introduced +hoop'd Petticoats+ can also bring FARTING in Fashion; and there wants nothing more to make it pass current, than some celebrated Toast of the Town to begin an example. We are very forward in imitating our Neighbouring Nations in their Fashion and Dress, tho' never so ridiculous, but _Back_-ward in this Point, which would be much more for our Advantage: For a _Fart_ is a _Freeman_ in all the Towns _Corporate_ thro' _Holland_. _Yufrow Blowza Van Funk_, a Burgomaster's Wife of _Rotterdam_, values her self as much upon the good _Report_ of her _Bum-Battery_, as one of Our Ladies would for a sweet Voice, or an agreeable Lisp, and is as industrious in shewing her Performance that Way, as the other in shewing a white Hand, a rich Ring, or a neat Snuff-Box. And the Ladies in _France_ maintain, that a promiscuous Conversation on a Bog-House, savours as little of Impudence or Impiety as over a Tea-Table. * * * * * Having proved the Lawfulness of +Farting+, and the ill Consequence of suppressing it, I shall proceed, _Fourthly_, To set down the Advantages the Ladies, are likely to reap by an unlimited Freedom that Way. For first, it frees them from that long-winded Catalogue of Distempers already mentioned, and prov'd to proceed from this Cause, which Benefit alone were sufficient to recommend it to all those who value their Health; but besides this, 'twill render _Peas Porridge_ as wholesome as _Ginger-*bread_, and Bottel'd _Cyder_ as innocent as _Ratafia_; 'twill also lower the Price of _Daffy_'s Elixir, and save them a vast yearly Expence in _Ars-a-Fœtida_, and Spirits of _Harts-Horn_, to guard them from the _Vapours_, since hereby they become their own _Apothecaries_, to prepare a Medicine will twich them by the _Nose_ every whit as well as their smelling Bottle. 'Tis also a great Promoter of Mirth, for I have known one _single_ +Fart+, that made an Escape, raise a Laugh of half an Hour; and the Celebrated Author of a Book, called, _Laugh and Be Fat_, proves Laughing to be a very wholesome Exercise. Dr. _Blow_ in his Treatise of the Fundiment-alls of Musick asserts, that the first Discovery of Harmony was owing to an Observation of Persons of different Sizes sounding different Notes in Musick, by Farting; for while one _farted_ in _B fa bimi_, another was observed to answer in _F faut_ and make that agreeable Concord call'd a _fifth_, whence that Musical Part had its Name of _Bum-fiddle_, and the first Invention of the _Double Curtell_ was owing to this Observation: By this _Rule_ it would be an easy Matter to form a _Farting_ Consort, by ranging Persons of different Sizes in Order, as you would a Ring of Bells, or a Sett of Organ Pipes; which Entertainment would prove much more Diverting round a Tea-Table, than the usual one of Scandal, since the sweetest Harmony is allow'd to proceed from the GUTS. Then that Lady will be reckoned the most agreeable in Company, who is the readiest at _Reportee_; and, to have a good _Report_ behind her _Back_ would be allow'd a _Strong_ Argument of her Merit. * * * * * Having thus explained the many Benefits that attend a Free Practice of +Farting+, I think I need use no other Arguments to the Ladies, since their own Ease, Interest, and Diversion plead in its Favour. I shall therefore _Wind up my Bottom_, and conclude. _We've often heard how the imprison'd Wind, When in the Bowels of the Earth confin'd, And wanting Vent, whate'er resists, it tears, And overturns what th' Earth above it bears, Whole Towns and People in the wide Rupture fall, Tho' one small Vent, at first, had sav'd them all._ _So in the Microcosm of Man we find, The like ill Fate attends a FART confin'd; For Cholick, Vapours, Spleen and Melancholy Do wreck those who suppress it, for their Folly._ _Hence learn what great Effects small things produce. The Capitol was sav'd from taking by a Goose. Then don't admire that one small whiffling FART Can guard from Spleen the Citadel your Heart. And though a Goose, let me in Time persuade you, To guard from Foes, which do behind invade you, That being of such appris'd, you may prepare, With speed to plant your ROARING CANNONS there._ [Illustration] #################################################################### MEDITATION on a T------d, Wrote in a Place of +Ease+. Since most agree, that 'tis a Crime In any Place to spend one's Time Without the Use of Contemplation, And Pleasures of Imagination, Since _Boyle_ and _Swift_ could each descant on A Broomstick, Windmill, Hedge, or Lanthorn, With the same Gravity as _Cato_, Dying expostulates with _Plato_, Why shou'd I in a Place of Ease Exert my Talent less than these? _Virgil_ himself, as we are told, In _Ennius'_ Excrement found Gold, And those are call'd _Gold-finders_ hence, Who deal much in Sir Reverence; Why then shou'd I, more Nice than Wise, Disdain a T----d to Anatomize? First then, methinks, as here I squeeze, With both my Hands fix'd on my Knees As I, with terrible Grimace, Torture each Muscle of my Face; Till happily at last I vent The painful Load of Excrement, So Statesmen too, with equal Pains, And like advantage, rack their Brains, Till big with Projects duly weigh'd, The ponderous Burden they unlade. Sometimes indeed, when ill-design'd, Their Plots evaporate in Wind. As bloated Guts, with Cholick swell'd, With only Emptiness seem'd fill'd; Till through Back-door of Fundament, The airy Pain expires in Scent. But most of all my present State, Seems to the Poet's adequate; As, sometimes Costive, I with Pain, To ease my loaded Stomach Strain; Sometimes my Guts more Laxative, Their voluntary Tribute give; So, oft the Poor Brain-costive Bard, To vent his Excrement strains hard; Unless some generous Patron urges, Oh, then how easily he purges! If Money makes it work, what Tool So bound, he cannot have a Stool? And as the same Effect in Things, From various Causes often springs; So, if the Influence of Ill Nature His Panegyric sow'rs to Satyr, This on him too will work so strong, He'll squirt o'er all the Town his Dung---- What easy Stools has Dr. Y----! All Human Titles, soon or later, Contribute to the Jakes of Nature, And though the Moralists will say, Mankind is but a Lump of Clay, To speak my meaning in a Word, E'en Man himself's a very T----d; And, as you know, the Bad and Good, The nicest Bits, and coarsest Food, That homeliest Peasants can content, Or daintiest Epicures invent, From Oglio's, Kickshaws, and Ragoûs, To Onions, Trotters, Roots, and Sloes, 'Ith' Stomach equally frement, Till all is turn'd to Excrement: So Clowns, Coquets, Town-Bullies, Smarts, With Spades, or Diamonds, Clubs, or Hearts, Together Rot, not any Diff'rence Betwixt Sir _Fopling_ and Sir _Rev'rence_. Thus, to conclude my Stool and Story, You find, by what I've laid before you; The World, and all the World affords, Is but one numerous Heap of T----ds. _F I N I S._ [Illustration] Transcriber’s Notes: • Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). • Text enclosed by pluses is in small caps (+small caps+). • Text enclosed by tildes is in gespertt (gespertt). • All illustrations are just decorative. • Ornate borders indicated by a line of '#'. • Use of long 's' (ſ) has been replaced with a regular s. • Perceived typographical errors have been corrected: ◦ "underwitten" changed to "underwritten" ◦ "Peruusal" changed to "Perusal" • Otherwise, the original text has been preserved, including the original spelling, punctuation, and capitalization. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 79520 ***