*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77922 *** MISS LULU BETT ---------------- Z O N A G A L E ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MISS LULU BETT A Play _By Zona Gale_ was awarded by Columbia University in June, 1921, the prize of $1,000 established by Joseph Pulitzer for “The American original play, performed in New York, which shall best represent the educational value and power of the stage in raising the standard of good morals, good taste and good manners.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MISS LULU BETT AN AMERICAN COMEDY OF MANNERS BY ZONA GALE D. A. & Co ·INTER·FOLIA·FRUCTUS· D. APPLETON AND COMPANY NEW YORK : LONDON : MCMXXI ------------------------------------------------------------------------ COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TO BROCK PEMBERTON IN DEEP APPRECIATION OF HIS CREATIVE WORK IN PRODUCING AND STAGING THIS PLAY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE AUTHOR WISHES TO MAKE ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO MR. LYTTON W. KERNAN FOR ASSISTANCE TO HER IN MATTERS OF TECHNIQUE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AN OPEN LETTER _from_ THOMAS H. DICKINSON _August 5, 1921_ DEAR MISS GALE: Any foreword that I can write to your play, _Miss Lulu Bett_, must be addressed to you, and others must read it, if at all, over your shoulder. As an artist you are, of course, not interested in definitions, being absorbed rather in always nearer and nearer approximations; but I shall not, on that account, forbear to remark how much your novel, and the play that followed it, have widened the practice of the arts that they represent. As a matter of fact, if one would understand your novel, one must think of it in terms of dramatic art. It is a commonplace to say that this novel marks a turning point in your art. But perhaps it is not a commonplace to say that if we look back over the road you have traveled we shall find a theater at the crossroads. Are we then to consider the play in the light of the technique of fiction? By no means! Rather one is filled with wonder that you, an artist heretofore of the more discursive type, should have out-theatred the theater when you come to practice on its narrow stage. If the theater is an art of condensation here is condensation distilled; if of form, here is form refined and simplified; if of discourse, here is discourse summarized to shorthand. We are told that a true play is like a score for an orchestra; that it is a series of expert notes directed to the conductor and his players. Of no play of recent years is this so truly the case as of _Miss Lulu Bett_. Not here are the spacious character analyses, the circumstantial prescriptions of movements from right to left. And yet in what recent play are characters so silhouette-clear, or are actions so genuinely of the fabric of the fable? Let him who thinks your play a “comedy of words” skip a page or even a speech and see where he finds himself. As for your two endings,--that is for you to say. Frankly the matter doesn’t interest me greatly, for it goes back to the consideration of the drama as a social art, while I, forgetting its dependent state, would prefer to think of it as the product of the free spirit of the writer. I know that I may not so think of a play any more than that you may so write one. But I will not admit that the matter has anything to do with happy versus drab endings, or with the variations in inclination of the curve of Lulu Bett’s career. Nor has it anything to do with the relative excellence of this or that. It is concerned entirely with the fact that while as practiced to-day the art of fiction permits to the artist more or less independence in the use of his imagination, in writing a play he can rarely forget that he is working with a collaborator who at the best perplexes him and at the worst strikes terror to his heart. Granting, as I do, that you may have two endings I see no reason why you should not have half a dozen if you wish and if circumstances require them. All I ask is that one of these be the ending of your choice. If one of these endings be the artist’s own I care not what ending he writes in collaboration. The best thing you have done in offering to the reader your two endings is to show him the documents in the case. To this extent you have taken another step toward that declaration of the independence of dramatic authorship that is sorely needed. For the craftmanship of your play, for the combined burden and opportunity you give to your producer and to the actors (admirably carried in every respect), for the courage of its refusals, not less than of its manifest innovations, I, with thousands of others, well-wishers for the American theater, am profoundly grateful to you. THOMAS H. DICKINSON MILTON, CONN. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FOREWORD For centuries people in plays have been abnormally distinguished. Theirs has been a peculiar facility for cleverness, virility, or personal charm, which has raised them above the individuals in the audience and made of the theater a place where one goes to experience vicariously the warm glow of uttering an epigram through the mouth of “Lord Goring,” the deep satisfaction of romantic relations with a beautiful lady (“Prince Rudolpho” acting as our agent), or the inexpressible relief of having a mortgage lifted through the efforts of young “Tom Cartwright.” If Art is to be held down to one of the many indefinite definitions given to it throughout the ages--that of reflecting life--then the theater has contained but little of Art, for it has been peopled by unnaturally brilliant characters living preposterous lives in a manner so totally removed from life as it is known by the honored members of the public that they have been willing to pay money to witness it as a curiosity. Especially in its dialogue has the stage clung to an artificiality which even the best of playwrights seem unable to shake off once the blood mounts to their temples and they feel the resiliency of the second act beneath their feet. Statistics could be brought out to prove that, in an average gathering, the proportion of clever conversationalists to dull though voluble talkers is one to three hundred and twenty-four thousand. And yet almost every play contains at least three in a cast of ten whose repartee is unquestionably intended to be classed as “entertaining.” Even the “old-home” talk of our rural dramas, the line, “Land sakes, ain’t them pies done yet?” with which the first act opens, has become, in spite of its affectation of naturalness, so theatrical that whenever we hear a genuine housewife say it in a real kitchen we suspect her of trying to talk like an actress. Into this babel of artificial dialogue came _Miss Lulu Bett_ bearing the revolutionary banner of banality. And under this banner march ninety-nine one-hundredths of American conversationalists. First in her book, and then in her play, Zona Gale discarded the ideal held by writers since Plutarch that their characters must say something unusual, and gave us “Dwight Herbert Deacon” to say the gorgeously conventional thing with epoch-making dullness. “The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes prepared any other way. Roasting retains it,” he asserts in the first act. To which his wife replies: “That’s what I always think.” And the white light of truth which bursts forth from this conversational sally discovers Oscar Wilde to be a shining collection of tinsel. Zona Gale is the first author, to my knowledge, who has dared to write genuinely dull dialogue. Many writers have achieved dull dialogue under a misapprehension on their parts, and still others have started out with the honest intention of making their characters dull in the interests of veracity. But these latter have sooner or later succumbed to the temptation either of enlarging upon the dullness until it became burlesque or of capitulating entirely and throwing in a clever line simply to keep up the tone of the play. But Miss Gale saw the truth and has kept it whole. She was depicting uninspired American family life (almost for the first time in our literature) and she held fast to the ideals of American family conversation. In the opening scene of the first act of _Miss Lulu Bett_ there is not a single redeeming feature in the remarks made by the Deacon family across the creamed salmon. It is nothing short of magnificent. “Dwight Herbert” is, of course, the high priest of this elaborate banality, and in his creation Miss Gale has given to America a man made in its own image, something rarely done on our native stage. And, as if this were not enough, she has also brought, whining and scuffling before the footlights, our first normal stage-child, in the unpleasing person of the recalcitrant “Monona.” For years we have seen no small children on the stage who did not spend their time coming downstairs in their nighties to reunite uncongenial parents or bringing tears to the hard eyes of adventuresses by telling them that they looked “des like muvver.” It was with the full force of an original dramatic creation therefore that “Monona Deacon,” the world’s most disagreeable stage-child, came swimming petulantly into our ken. She and her disillusioned “Grandma Bett” (a character somewhat more generic as acted but no less vivid), with their joint and articulate hatred of the rest of the family, constitute a refreshing rearrangement of the hitherto idyllic characters of Childhood and Old Age. In the interests of truth, then, Miss Gale has violated many sacred dramatic rules. She has given us characters who talk as people really talk and who therefore are dull. She has given us an old lady who is not sweet, and a child who is not cute. And, on the technical side, she has begun two successive scenes with practically the same dialogue, so that for several minutes one is scarcely distinct from the other. And in this last deviation from established custom she has at one stroke succeeded in creating an atmosphere of monotony and domestic routine in home life which stands unique among theatrical effects. The result of such adherence to uninspiring reality might well have been expected to be a failure in its appeal to an uninspiring nation of theater-goers. But Miss Gale took the chance. She wrote the play, as she had written the book, without compromise, and was rewarded by an enthusiastic public. ROBERT C. BENCHLEY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE CAST _As produced and staged by Mr. Brock Pemberton beginning December 27, 1920, at the Belmont Theatre, New York._ MONONA DEACON _Lois Shore_ DWIGHT HERBERT DEACON _William Holden_ INA DEACON _Catherine Calhoun Doucet_ LULU BETT _Carroll McComas_ BOBBY LARKIN _Jack Bohn_ MRS. BETT _Louise Closser Hale_ DIANA DEACON _Beth Varden_ NEIL CORNISH _Willard Robertson_ NINIAN DEACON _Brigham Royce_ TIME: _The Present_ PLACE: _The Middle Class_ ACT I.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s dining-room. _Scene 2._--The same; ten days later. ACT II.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s front porch; a month later. _Scene 2._The same; the following evening. _Scene 3._The same; a fortnight later. ACT III.-- (_2d version_)--The Deacon’s front porch. A morning later. (_1st version_)--Cornish’s music store; the following morning. Between the scenes in Acts I and II the curtain will be lowered a half a minute to indicate the lapse of time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MISS LULU BETT ACT I SCENE I THE DEACON DINING ROOM: _Plain rose paper, oak sideboard, straight chairs, a soft old brown divan, table laid for supper. Large pictures of, say, “Paul and Virginia” and Abbott Thayer’s “Motherhood.” A door left leads to kitchen; a door right front leads to the passage and the “other” room. Back are two windows with lace curtains, revealing shrubbery or blossoming plants; and a shelf with a clock and a photograph of Ninian Deacon. Over the table is a gas burner in a glass globe. In the center of the table is a pink tulip in a pot. The stage is empty._ [_Enter MONONA. She tiptoes to the table, tastes a dish or two, hides a cooky in her frock; begins a terrible little chant on miscellaneous notes._] [_Enter DWIGHT DEACON._] DWIGHT What! You don’t mean you’re in time for supper, baby? MONONA I ain’t a baby. DWIGHT Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t. MONONA Well, I ain’t. DWIGHT We shall have to take you in hand, mama and I. We shall-have-to-take-you in hand. MONONA I ain’t such a bad girl. DWIGHT Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t. [_Enter INA, Door R. E._] INA Dwightie! Have I kept you waiting? DWIGHT It’s all right, my pet. Bear and forbear. Bear and forbear. INA Everything’s on the table. I didn’t hear Lulu call us, though. She’s fearfully careless. And Dwight, she looks so bad--when there’s company I hate to have her around. [_They seat themselves._] DWIGHT My dear Ina, your sister is very different from you. INA Well, Lulu certainly is a trial. Come Monona. DWIGHT Live and let live, my dear. We have to overlook, you know. What have we on the festive board to-night? INA We have creamed salmon. On toast. MONONA I don’t want any. DWIGHT _What’s_ this? _No_ salmon? MONONA No. INA Oh now, pet! You liked it before. MONONA I don’t want any. DWIGHT Just a little? A very little? What is this? Progeny will not eat? INA She can eat if she will eat. The trouble is, she will _not_ take the time. DWIGHT She don’t put her mind on her meals. INA Now, pettie, you must eat or you’ll get sick. MONONA I don’t want any. INA Well, pettie--then how would you like a nice egg? MONONA No. INA Some bread and milk? MONONA No. [_Enter LULU BETT. She carries a plate of muffins._] INA Lulu, Monona won’t eat a thing. I should think you might think of something to fix for her. LULU Can’t I make her a little milk toast? MONONA Yes! INA Well now, sister. Don’t toast it too much. That last was too--and it’s no use, she will _not_ eat it if it’s burned. LULU I won’t burn it on purpose. INA Well, see that you don’t ... Lulu! Which milk are you going to take? LULU The bottle that sets in front, won’t I? INA But that’s yesterday’s milk. No, take the fresh bottle from over back. Monona must be nourished. LULU But then the yesterday’s’ll sour and I can’t make a custard pie---- DWIGHT Kindly settle these domestic matters without bringing them to my attention at meal time. [_Observes the tulip._] Flowers! Who’s been having flowers sent in? INA Ask Lulu. DWIGHT Suitors? LULU It was a quarter. There’ll be five flowers. DWIGHT You bought it? LULU Yes. Five flowers. That’s a nickel apiece. DWIGHT Yet we give you a home on the supposition that you have no money to spend, even for the necessities. INA Well, but Dwightie. Lulu isn’t strong enough to work. What’s the use---- DWIGHT The justice business and the dental profession do not warrant the purchase of spring flowers in my home. INA Well, but Dwightie---- DWIGHT No more. Lulu meant no harm. INA The back bottle, Lulu. And be as quick as you can. Remember, the back bottle. She has a terrible will, hangs on to her own ideas, and hangs on---- [_Exit LULU._] DWIGHT Forbearance my pet, forbearance. Baked potatoes. That’s good--that’s good. The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes prepared in any other way. Roasting retains it. INA That’s what I always think. DWIGHT Where’s your mother? Isn’t she coming to supper? INA No. Tantrim. DWIGHT Oh ho, mama has a tantrim, eh? My dear Ina, your mother is getting old. She don’t have as many clear-headed days as she did. INA Mama’s mind is just as good as it ever was, sometimes. DWIGHT Hadn’t I better call her up? INA You know how mama is. [_Enter LULU. She takes flowerpot from table and throws it out the window. Exit LULU._] DWIGHT I’d better see. [_Goes to door and opens it._] Mother Bett!... Come and have some supper.... Looks to me Lulu’s muffins’d go down pretty easy! Come on--I had something funny to tell you and Ina.... [_Returns._] No use. She’s got a tall one on to-night, evidently. What’s the matter with her? INA Well, I told Lulu to put the creamed salmon on the new blue platter, and mama thought I ought to use the old deep dish. DWIGHT You reminded her that you are mistress here in your own home? But gently, I hope? INA Well--I reminded her. She said if I kept on using the best dishes I wouldn’t have a cup left for my own wake. DWIGHT And my little puss insisted? INA Why of course. I wanted to have the table look nice for you, didn’t I? DWIGHT My precious pussy. INA So then she walked off to her room. [_MONONA sings her terrible little chant._] Quiet, pettie, quiet! DWIGHT Softly, softly, _softly_, SOFTLY!... Well, here we are, aren’t we? I tell you people don’t know what living is if they don’t belong in a little family circle. INA That’s what I always think. DWIGHT Just coming home here and sort of settling down--it’s worth more than a tonic at a dollar the bottle. Look at this room. See this table. Could anything be pleasanter? INA Monona! Now, it’s all over both ruffles. And mama does try so hard.... DWIGHT My dear. Can’t you put your mind on the occasion? INA Well, but Monona _is_ so messy. DWIGHT Women can_not_ generalize. [_Clock strikes half hour._] Curious how that clock loses. It must be fully quarter to. It is quarter to! I’m pretty good at guessing time. INA I’ve often noticed that. DWIGHT That clock is a terrible trial. Last night it was only twenty-three after when the half hour struck. INA Twenty-one I thought. DWIGHT Twenty-three. My dear Ina, didn’t I particularly notice. It was twenty-three. MONONA [_Like lightning._] I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast. INA Do hurry, sister. She’s going to get nervous. [_MONONA chants her chant. Enter LULU._] LULU I’ve got the toast here. INA Did you burn it? LULU Not black. DWIGHT There we are. Milk toast like a ku-ween. Where is our young lady daughter to-night? INA She’s at Jenny Plows, at a teaparty. DWIGHT Oh ho, teaparty. Is it? LULU We told you that this noon. DWIGHT [_Frowning at LULU._] How much is salmon the can now, Ina? INA How much is it, Lulu? LULU The large ones are forty, that used to be twenty-five. And the small ones that were ten, they’re twenty-five. The butter’s about all gone. Shall I wait for the butter woman or get some creamery? DWIGHT Not at meal time, if you please, Lulu. The conversation at my table must not deal with domestic matters. LULU I suppose salmon made me think of butter. DWIGHT There is not the remotest connection. Salmon comes from a river. Butter comes from a cow. A cow bears no relation to a river. A cow may drink from a river, she may do that, but I doubt if that was in your mind when you spoke--you’re not that subtle. LULU No, that wasn’t in my mind. [_Enter MOTHER BETT._] DWIGHT Well, Mama Bett, hungry now? MRS. BETT No, I’m not hungry. INA We put a potato in the oven for you, mama. MRS. BETT No, I thank you. DWIGHT And a muffin, Mama Bett. MRS. BETT No, I thank you. LULU Mama, can’t I fix you some fresh tea? MRS. BETT That’s right, Lulie. You’re a good girl. And see that you put in enough tea so as a body can taste tea part of the way down. INA Sit here with us, mama. MRS. BETT No, I thank you. I’ll stand and keep my figger. DWIGHT You know you look like a queen when you stand up, straight back, high head, a regular wonder for your years, you are. MRS. BETT Sometimes I think you try to flatter me. [_Sits._] [_Doorbell._] MONONA I’ll go. I’ll go. Let me go. DWIGHT Now what can anybody be thinking of to call just at meal time. Can’t I even have a quiet supper with my family without the outside world clamoring? LULU Maybe that’s the butter woman. DWIGHT Lulu, no more about the butter, please. MONONA Come on in. Here’s Bobby to see you, papa, let’s feed him. DWIGHT Oh ho! So I’m the favored one. Then draw up to the festive board, Robert. A baked potato? BOBBY No, sir. I--I wanted something else. DWIGHT What’s this? Came to see the justice about getting married, did you? Or the dentist to have your tooth pulled--eh? Same thing--eh, Ina? Ha! ha! ha! BOBBY I--I wondered whether--I thought if you would give me a job.... DWIGHT So that’s it. BOBBY I thought maybe I might cut the grass or cut--cut something. DWIGHT My boy, every man should cut his own grass. Every man should come home at night, throw off his coat and, in his vigor, cut his own grass. BOBBY Yes, sir. DWIGHT Exercise, exercise is next to bread--next to gluten. Hold on, though--hold on. After dental hours I want to begin presently to work my garden. I have two lots. Property is a burden. Suppose you cut the grass on the one lot through the spring. BOBBY Good enough, sir. Can I start right in now? It isn’t dark yet. DWIGHT That’s right, that’s right. Energy--it’s the driving power of the nation. [_They rise, DWIGHT goes toward the door with BOBBY._] Start right in, by all means. You’ll find the mower in the shed, oiled and ready. Tools always ready--that’s my motto, my boy. [_Enter DI and CORNISH. CORNISH carries many favors._] Ah ha! DI Where is everybody? Oh, hullo, Bobby! You came to see me? BOBBY Oh, hullo! No. I came to see your father. DI Did you? Well, there he is. Look at him. BOBBY You don’t need to tell me where to look or what to do. Good-by. I’ll find the mower, Mr. Deacon. [_Exit._] DWIGHT Mama! What do you s’pose? Di thought she had a beau--How are you, Cornish? DI Oh, papa! Why, I just hate Bobby Larkin, and the whole school knows it. Mama, wasn’t Mr. Cornish nice to help carry my favors? INA Ah, Mr. Cornish! You see what a popular little girl we have. CORNISH Yes, I suppose so. That is--isn’t that remarkable, Mrs. Deacon? [_He tries to greet LULU, who is clearing the table._] DI Oh, papa, the sweetest party--and the dearest supper and the darlingest decorations and the georgeousest---- Monona, let go of me! DWIGHT Children, children, can’t we have peace in this house? MONONA Ah, you’ll catch it for talking so smarty. DI Oh, will I? INA Monona, don’t stand listening to older people. Run around and play. [_MONONA runs a swift circle and returns to her attitude of listener._] CORNISH Pardon me--this is Miss Bett, isn’t it? LULU I--Lulu Bett, yes. CORNISH I had the pleasure of meeting you the night I was here for supper. LULU I didn’t think you’d remember. CORNISH Don’t you think I’d remember that meat pie? LULU Oh, yes. The meat pie. You might remember the meat pie. [_Exit, carrying plates._] CORNISH What in the dickens did I say that for? INA Oh, Lulu likes it. She’s a wonderful cook. I don’t know what we should do without her. DWIGHT A most exemplary woman is Lulu. INA That’s eggsemplary, Dwightie. DWIGHT My darling little dictionary. DI Mama, Mr. Cornish and I have promised to go back to help Jenny. INA How nice! And Mr. Cornish, do let us see you oftener. DWIGHT Yes, yes, Cornish. Drop in. Any time, you know. CORNISH I’ll be glad to come. I do get pretty lonesome evenings. [_Enter LULU, clearing table._] I eat out around. I guess that’s why your cooking made such an impression on me, Miss Lulu. LULU Yes. Yes. I s’pose it would take something like that.... CORNISH Oh, no, no! I didn’t mean--you mustn’t think I meant--What’d I say that for? LULU Don’t mind. They always say that to me. [_Exit with dishes._] DI Come on, Mr. Cornish. Jenny’ll be waiting. Monona, let _go_ of me! MONONA _I_ don’t want you! DWIGHT Early, darling, early! Get her back here early, Mr. Cornish. CORNISH Oh, I’ll have her back here as soon as ever she’ll come--well, ah--I mean.... DI Good-by Dwight and Ina! [_Exit DI and CORNISH._] DWIGHT Nice fellow, nice fellow. Don’t know whether he’ll make a go of his piano store, but he’s studying law evenings. INA But we don’t know anything about him, Dwight. A stranger so. DWIGHT On the contrary I know a great deal about him. I know that he has a little inheritance coming to him. INA An inheritance--really? I _thought_ he was from a good family. DWIGHT My mercenary little pussy. INA Well, if he comes here so very much you know what we may expect. DWIGHT What may we expect? INA He’ll fall in love with Di. And a young girl is awfully flattered when a good-looking older man pays her attention. Haven’t you noticed that? DWIGHT How women generalize! My dear Ina, I have other matters to notice. INA Monona. Stop listening! Run about and play. [_MONONA runs her circle and returns._] Well, look at that clock. It’s almost your bedtime, anyway. [_Enter LULU._] MONONA No. INA It certainly is. MONONA That clock’s wrong. Papa said so. INA Mama says bedtime. In ten minutes. MONONA I won’t go all night. DWIGHT Daughter, daughter, daughter.... MONONA I won’t go for a week. [_DWIGHT sees on clock shelf a letter._] INA Oh, Dwight! It came this morning. I forgot. LULU I forgot too. And I laid it up there. DWIGHT Isn’t it understood that my mail can’t wait like this? LULU I know. I’m sorry. But you hardly ever get a letter. DWIGHT Of course pressing matters go to my office. Still my mail should have more careful---- [_He reads._] Now! What do you think I have to tell you? INA Oh, Dwightie! Something nice? DWIGHT That depends. I’ll like it. So’ll Lulu. It’s company. MONONA I hope they bring me something decent. INA Oh, Dwight, who? DWIGHT My brother, from Oregon. INA Ninian coming here? DWIGHT Some day next week. He don’t know what a charmer Lulu is or he’d come quicker. INA Dwight, it’s been years since you’ve seen him. DWIGHT Nineteen--twenty. Must be twenty. INA And he’s never seen me. DWIGHT Nor Lulu. INA And think where he’s been. South America--Mexico--Panama and all. We must put it in the paper. MRS. BETT Who’s coming? Why don’t you say who’s coming? You all act so dumb. LULU It’s Dwight’s brother, mother. His brother from Oregon. MRS. BETT Never heard of him. LULU [_Taking photograph from shelf._] That one, mother. You’ve dusted his picture lots of times. MRS. BETT That? Got to have him around long? DWIGHT I don’t know. Wait till he sees Lulu. I expect when he sees Lulu you can’t drive him away. He’s going to take one look at Lulu and settle down here for life. He’s going to think Lulu is---- LULU I--think the tea must be steeped now. [_Exit._] DWIGHT He’s going to think Lulu is a stunner--a stunner.... [_The clock strikes. MONONA shrieks._] Is the progeny hurt? INA Bedtime. Now, Monona, be mama’s nice little lady.... Monona, quiet, pettie, quiet.... [_LULU enters with tea and toast._] Lulu, won’t you take her to bed? You know Dwight and I are going to Study Club. LULU There, mother. Yes. I’ll take her to bed. Come, Monona. And stop that noise instantly. [_MONONA stops. As they cross DWIGHT spies the tulip on LULU’S gown._] DWIGHT Lulu. One moment. You _picked_ the flower on the plant? LULU Yes. I--picked it. DWIGHT She buys a hothouse plant and then ruins it! LULU I--I---- [_She draws MONONA swiftly left; exeunt; the door slams._] DWIGHT What a pity Lulu hasn’t your manners, pettie. MRS. BETT What do you care? She’s got yours. DWIGHT Mother Bett! Fare thee well. MRS. BETT How do you stand him? The lump! INA Mama dear, now drink your tea. Good-night, sweetie. MRS. BETT You needn’t think I forgot about the platter, because I ain’t. Of all the extravagant doin’s, courtin’ the poorhouse---- [_Exeunt DWIGHT and INA. MRS. BETT continues to look after them, her lips moving. At door appears BOBBY._] BOBBY Where’s Mr. Deacon? MRS. BETT Gone, thank the Lord! BOBBY I’ve got the grass cut. MRS. BETT You act like it was a trick. BOBBY Is--is everybody gone? MRS. BETT Who’s this you’re talkin’ to? BOBBY Yes, well, I meant--I guess I’ll go now. [_Enter DI._] DI Well, Bobby Larkin. Are you cutting grass in the dining room? BOBBY No, ma’am, I was not cutting grass in the dining room. [_Enter LULU, collects her mother’s dishes, folds cloth and watches._] DI I used to think you were pretty nice, but I don’t like you any more. BOBBY Yes you used to! Is that why you made fun of me all the time? DI I had to. They all were teasing me about you. BOBBY They were? Teasing you about me? DI I had to make them stop so I teased you. I never wanted to. BOBBY Well, I never thought it was anything like that. DI Of course you didn’t. I--wanted to tell you. BOBBY You wanted---- DI Of course I did. You must go now--they’re hearing us. BOBBY Say---- DI Good-night. Go the back way, Bobby--you nice thing. [_Exit BOBBY._] Aunt Lulu, give me the cookies, please, and the apples. Mr. Cornish is on the front porch ... mama and papa won’t be home till late, will they? LULU I don’t think so. DI Well, I’ll see to the hall light. Don’t you bother. Good-night. LULU Good-night, Di. [_Exit DI._] MRS. BETT My land! How she wiggles and chitters. LULU Mother, could you hear them? Di and Bobby Larkin? MRS. BETT Mother hears a-plenty. LULU How easy she done it ... got him right over ... how did she do that? MRS. BETT Di wiggles and chitters. LULU It was just the other day I taught her to sew ... I wonder if Ina knows. MRS. BETT What’s the use of you findin’ fault with Inie? Where’d you been if she hadn’t married I’d like to know?... What say? ... eh? ... I’m goin’ to bed.... You always was jealous of Inie. [_Exit MRS. BETT._] [_LULU crosses to shelf, takes down photograph of NINIAN DEACON, holds it, looks at it._] CURTAIN ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCENE II SAME SET. _Late afternoon. A week later. The table is cleared of dishes, and has an oilcloth cover. BOBBY is discovered outside the window, on whose sill DI is sitting._ BOBBY So you despise me for cutting grass? DI No, I don’t. But if you’re going to be a great man why don’t you get started at it? BOBBY I am started at it--inside. But it don’t earn me a cent yet. DI Bobby, Bobby! I know you’re great now, don’t you ever think I don’t, but I want everybody else to know. BOBBY Di, when you said that it sounded just like a--a you know. DI Like what? BOBBY Like a wife. Gee, what a word that is! DI Isn’t it? It’s ever so much more exciting word than husband. [_Enter LULU, followed by MONONA. LULU carries bowl, pan of apples, paring knife. MONONA carries basket of apples and a towel. As LULU rattles dishes, DI turns, sees LULU. BOBBY disappears from window._] DI There’s never any privacy in this house. [_Exit DI._] LULU Hurry, Monona, I must make the pies before I get dinner. Now wipe every one. MONONA What for? LULU To make the pies. MONONA What do you want to make pies for? LULU To eat. MONONA What do you want to eat for? LULU To grow strong--and even sensible. MONONA It’s no fun asking you a string of questions. You never get mad. Mama gets good and mad. So does papa. LULU Then why do you ask them questions? MONONA Oh, I like to get them going. LULU Monona! MONONA I told mama I didn’t pass, just so I could hear her. LULU Why, Monona! MONONA Then when I told her I did pass, she did it again. When she’s mad she makes awful funny faces. LULU You love her, don’t you, Monona? MONONA I love her best when there’s company. If there was always company, I’d always love her. Isn’t she sweet before Uncle Ninian though? LULU I--I don’t know. Monona, you mustn’t talk so. MONONA He’s been here a week and mama hasn’t been cross once. Want to know what he said about you? LULU I--did he--did he say anything about me? MONONA He told papa you were the best cook he’d ever ate. Said he’d et a good many. LULU The cooking. It’s always the cooking. MONONA He said some more, but I can’t remember. LULU Monona, what else did he say? MONONA I don’t know. LULU Try.... MONONA Here he is now. Ask him to his face. Hullo, Uncle Ninian! Good-by. [_Exit MONONA. Enter NINIAN._] NINIAN Hello, kitten! Ask him what? What do you want to ask him? LULU I--I think I was wondering what kind of pies you like best. NINIAN That’s easy. I like your kind of pies best. The best ever. Every day since I’ve been here I’ve seen you baking, Mrs. Bett. LULU Yes, I--bake. What did you call me then? NINIAN Mrs. Bett--isn’t it? Every one says just Lulu, but I took it for granted.... Well, now--is it Mrs.? or Miss Lulu Bett? LULU It’s Miss.... From choice. NINIAN You bet! Oh, you bet! Never doubted that. LULU What kind of a Mr. are you? NINIAN Never give myself away. Say, by George, I never thought of that before. There’s no telling whether a man’s married or not, by his name. LULU It doesn’t matter. NINIAN Why? LULU Not so many people want to know. NINIAN Say, you’re pretty good, aren’t you? LULU If I am it never took me very far. NINIAN Where you been mostly? LULU Here. I’ve always been here. Fifteen years with Ina. Before that we lived in the country. NINIAN Never been anywhere much? LULU Never been anywhere at all. NINIAN H ... m. Well, I want to tell you something about yourself. LULU About me? NINIAN Something that I’ll bet you don’t even know. It’s this: I think you have it pretty hard around here. LULU Oh, no! NINIAN See here. Do you have to work like this all the time? I guess you won’t mind my asking. LULU But I ought to work. I have a home with them. Mother too. NINIAN But glory! You ought to have some kind of a life of your own. LULU How could I do that? NINIAN A man don’t even know what he’s like till he’s roamed around on his own.... Roamed around on his own. Course a woman don’t understand that. LULU Why don’t she? Why don’t she? NINIAN Do you? [_LULU nods._] I’ve had twenty-five years of galloping about--Brazil, Mexico, Panama. LULU My! NINIAN It’s the life. LULU Must be. I---- NINIAN Yes, you. Why, you’ve never had a thing! I guess you don’t know how it seems to me, coming along--a stranger so. I don’t like it. LULU They’re very good to me. NINIAN Do you know why you think that? Because you’ve never had anybody really good to you. That’s why. LULU But they treat me good. NINIAN They make a slavey of you. Regular slavey. Damned shame _I_ call it. LULU But we have our whole living---- NINIAN And you earn it. I been watching you ever since I’ve been here. Don’t you ever go anywhere? LULU Oh, no, I don’t go anywhere. I---- NINIAN Lord! Don’t you want to? Of course you do. LULU Of course I’d like to get clear away--or I used to want to. NINIAN Say--you’ve been a blamed fine-looking woman. LULU You must have been a good-looking man once yourself. NINIAN You’re pretty good. I don’t see how you do it--darned if I do. LULU How I do what? NINIAN Why come back, quick like that, with what you say. You don’t look it. LULU It must be my grand education. NINIAN Education: I ain’t never had it and I ain’t never missed it. LULU Most folks are happy without an education. NINIAN You’re not very happy, though. LULU Oh, no. NINIAN Well you ought to get up and get out of here--find--find some work you _like_ to do. LULU But, you see, I can’t do any other work--that’s the trouble--women like me can’t do any other work. NINIAN But you make this whole house go round. LULU If I do, nobody knows it. NINIAN I know it. I hadn’t been in the house twenty-four hours till I knew it. LULU You did? You thought that.... Yes, well if I do I hate making it go round. NINIAN See here--couldn’t you tell me a little bit about--what you’d _like_ to do? If you had your own way? LULU I don’t know--now. NINIAN What did you ever think you’d like to do? LULU Take care of folks that needed me. I--I mean sick folks or old folks or--like that. Take _care_ of them. Have them--have them want me. NINIAN By George! You’re a wonder. LULU Am I? Ask Dwight. NINIAN Dwight. I could knock the top of his head off the way he speaks to you. I’d like to see you get out of this, I certainly would. LULU I can’t get out. I’ll never get out--now. NINIAN Don’t keep saying “now” like that. You--you put me out of business, darned if you don’t. LULU Oh, I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself--you stop making me feel sorry for myself! NINIAN I know one thing--I’m going to give Dwight Deacon a chunk of my mind. LULU Oh, no! no! no! I wouldn’t want you to do that. Thank you. NINIAN Well, somebody ought to do something. See here--while I’m staying around you know you’ve got a friend in me, don’t you? LULU Do I? NINIAN You bet you do. LULU Not just my cooking? NINIAN Oh, come now--why, I liked you the first moment I saw you. LULU Honest? NINIAN Go on--go on. Did you like me? LULU Now you’re just being polite. NINIAN Say, I wish there was some way---- LULU Don’t you bother about me. NINIAN I wish there was some way---- [_MONONA’S voice chants._] [_Enter MONONA._] MONONA You’ve had him long enough, Aunt Lulu----Can’t you pay me some ’tention? NINIAN Come here. Give us a kiss. My stars, what a great big tall girl! Have to put a board on her head to stop this growing. MONONA [_Seeing diamond._] What’s that? NINIAN That diamond came from Santa Claus. He has a jewelry shop in heaven. I have twenty others like this one. I keep the others to wear on the Sundays when the sun comes up in the west. MONONA Does the sun ever come up in the west? NINIAN Sure--on my honor. Some day I’m going to melt a diamond and eat it. Then you sparkle all over in the dark, ever after. I’m going to plant one too, some day. Then you can grow a diamond vine. Yes, on my honor. LULU Don’t do that--don’t do that. NINIAN What? LULU To her. That’s lying. NINIAN Oh, no. That’s not lying. That’s just drama. Drama. Do you like going to a good show? LULU I’ve never been to any--only those that come here. NINIAN Think of that now. Don’t you ever go to the city? LULU I haven’t been in six years and over. NINIAN Well, sir, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with you. While I’m here I’m going to take you and Ina and Dwight up to the city, to see a show. LULU Oh, you don’t want me to go. NINIAN Yes, sir, I’ll give you one good time. Dinner and a show. LULU Ina and Dwight do that sometimes. I can’t imagine me. NINIAN Well, you’re coming with me. I’ll look up something good. And you tell me just what you like to eat and we’ll order it---- LULU It’s been years since I’ve eaten anything that I haven’t cooked myself. NINIAN It has. Say, by George! why shouldn’t we go to the city _to-night_. LULU To-night? NINIAN Yes. If Dwight and Ina will. It’s early yet. What do you say? LULU You sure you want me to go? Why--I don’t know whether I’ve got anything I could wear. NINIAN Sure you have. LULU I--yes, I have. I could wear the waist I always thought they’d use--if I died. NINIAN Sure you could wear that. Just the thing. And throw some things in a bag--it’ll be too late to come back to-night. Now don’t you back out.... LULU Oh, the pies---- NINIAN Forget the pies--well, no, I wouldn’t say that. But hustle them up. LULU Oh, maybe Ina won’t go.... NINIAN Leave Ina to me. [_Exit NINIAN._] LULU Mother, mother! Monona, put the rest of those apples back in the basket and carry them out. MONONA Yes, Aunt Lulu. LULU I can’t get ready. They’ll leave me behind. Mother! Hurry, Monona. We mustn’t leave such a looking house. Mother! Monona, don’t you drop those apples. [_MONONA drops them all._] My heavens, my pies aren’t in the oven yet. [_Enter MRS. BETT._] MRS. BETT Who wants their mother? LULU Mother, please pick up these things for me--quick. MRS. BETT [_Leisurely_] What is the rush, Lulie? LULU Mother, Mr. Deacon--Ninian, you know--wants Ina and Dwight and me to go to the theater to-night in the city. MRS. BETT Does, does he? Well, you mind me, Lulie, and go on. It’ll do you good. LULU Yes, mother. I will. [_Exit with pies._] MRS. BETT No need breaking everybody’s neck off, though, as I know of. Monona, get out from under my feet. MONONA Grandma, compared between what I am, you are nothing. MRS. BETT What do you mean--little ape? MONONA It’s no fun to get you going. You’re too easy, grandma dear! [_Exit. Enter NINIAN._] NINIAN All right--Dwight and Ina are game. Oh, Mrs. Bett! Won’t you come to the theater with us to-night? MRS. BETT No. I’m fooled enough without fooling myself on purpose. But Lulie can go. NINIAN You don’t let her go too much, do you, Mrs. Bett? MRS. BETT Well, I ain’t never let her go to the altar if that’s what you mean. NINIAN Don’t you think she’d be better off? MRS. BETT Wouldn’t make much difference. Why look at me. A husband, six children, four of ’em under the sod with him. And sometimes I feel as though nothin’ more had happened to me than has happened to Lulie. It’s all gone. For me just the same as for her. Only she ain’t had the pain. [_Yawns._] What was I talkin’ about just then? NINIAN Why--why--er, we were talking about going to the theater. MRS. BETT Going to the theater, are you? [_Enter LULU._] NINIAN It’s all right, Miss Lulu. They’ll go--both of them. Dwight is telephoning for the seats. LULU I was wondering why you should be so kind to me. NINIAN Kind? Why, this is for my own pleasure, Miss Lulu. That’s what I think of mostly. LULU But just see. It’s so wonderful. Half an hour ago I never thought I’d be going to the city now--with you all.... NINIAN I’m an impulsive cuss you’ll find, Miss Lulu. LULU But this is so wonderful.... [_Enter INA._] Ina, isn’t it beautiful that we’re going? INA Oh, are you going? NINIAN Of course she’s going. Great snakes, why not? INA Only that Lulu never goes anywhere. NINIAN Whose fault is that? LULU Just habit. Pure habit. NINIAN Pure cussedness somewhere. Miss Lulu, now you go and get ready and Ina and I’ll finish straightening up here. LULU Oh, I’ll finish. NINIAN Go and get ready. I want to see that waist. LULU Oh, but I don’t need to go yet---- NINIAN Ina, you tell her to go---- INA Well, but Lulu, you aren’t going to bother to change your dress, are you? You can slip something on over. LULU If you think this would do---- NINIAN It will not do. Not for my party! [_Shuts the door upon her._] INA How in the world did you ever get Lulu to go, Ninian? _We_ never did. NINIAN It was very simple. I invited her. INA Oh, you mean---- NINIAN I invited her. [_Doorbell rings._] Shall I answer it? INA Will you, please? [_Exit NINIAN._] Mother, have you seen Di anywhere? MRS. BETT I ain’t done nothing but see her. [_Motions to window._] INA [_At window._] Forevermore. That Larkin boy again. Di! Diana Deacon! Come here at once. DI’S VOICE Yes, mama. [_At window._] Want me? INA I want you to stop making a spectacle of _me_ before the neighborhood. DI Of _you_! INA Certainly. What will people think of me if they see you talking with Robert Larkin the whole afternoon? DI We weren’t thinking about you, mummy. INA No. You never do think about me. Nobody thinks about me. And mama does try so hard---- DI Oh, mama, I’ve heard you say that fifty hundred times. INA And what impression does it make? None.... Nobody listens to me. Nobody. [_Enter NINIAN and CORNISH._] NINIAN All right to bring him in here? INA Oh, Mr. Cornish! how very nice to see you. CORNISH Good afternoon, Mrs. Deacon. How are you, Miss Di? NINIAN I’ve just been asking Mr. Cornish if he won’t join us to-night for dinner and the show. INA Oh, Mr. Cornish, do--we’d be so glad. CORNISH Why, why, if that wouldn’t be---- NINIAN You’re invited, Di, you know. DI Me? Oh, how heavenly! Oh, but I’ve an engagement with Bobby---- INA But I’m sure you’d break that to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish. DI Well, I’d break it to go to the theater---- INA Why, Di Deacon! DI Oh, of course to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish. CORNISH This is awfully good of you. I dropped in because I got so lonesome I didn’t know what else to do--that is, I mean.... NINIAN We get it. We get it. INA We’d love to see you any time, Mr. Cornish. Now if you’ll excuse Di and me one minute. DI Uncle Ninian, you’re a lamb. [_Exeunt DI and INA._] MRS. BETT I’m just about the same as I was. CORNISH What--er--oh, Mrs. Bett, I didn’t see you. MRS. BETT I don’t complain. But it wouldn’t turn my head if some of you spoke to me once in a while. Say--can you tell me what these folks are up to? CORNISH Up to ... up to? MRS. BETT Yes. They’re all stepping round here, up to something. I don’t know what. NINIAN Why, Mrs. Bett, we’re going to the city to the theater, you know. MRS. BETT Well, why didn’t you say so? [_Enter DWIGHT._] DWIGHT Ha! Everybody ready? Well, well, well, well. How are you, Cornish? You going too, Ina says. CORNISH Yes, I thought I might as well. I mean---- DWIGHT That’s right, that’s right. Mama Bett. Look here! MRS. BETT What’s that? DWIGHT _Ice_ cream--it’s _ice_ cream. Who is it sits home and has _ice_ cream put in her lap like a ku-ween? MRS. BETT Vanilly or chocolate? DWIGHT Chocolate, Mama Bett. MRS. BETT Vanilly sets better.... I’ll put it in the ice chest--I _may_ eat it. [_Takes spoon from sideboard. Exit. CORNISH goes with her._] DWIGHT Where’s the lovely Lulu? NINIAN She’ll be here directly. DWIGHT Now what I want to know, Nin, is how you’ve hypnotized the lovely Lulu into this thing. NINIAN Into going? Dwight, I’ll tell you about that. I asked her to go with us. Do you get it? I invited the woman. DWIGHT Ah, but with a way--with a way. She’s never been anywhere like this with us.... Well, Nin, how does it seem to see me settled down into a respectable married citizen in my own town--eh? NINIAN Oh--you seem just like yourself. DWIGHT Yes, yes. I don’t change much. Don’t feel a day older than I ever did. NINIAN And you don’t act it. DWIGHT Eh, you wouldn’t think it to look at us, but our aunt had her hands pretty full bringing us up. Nin, we must certainly run up state and see Aunt Mollie while you’re here. She isn’t very well. NINIAN I don’t know whether I’ll have time or not. DWIGHT Nin, I love that woman. She’s an angel. When I think of her I feel--I give you my word--I feel like somebody else. [_Enter MRS. BETT and CORNISH._] NINIAN Nice old lady. MRS. BETT Who’s a nice old lady? DWIGHT You, Mama Bett! Who else but you--eh? Well, now, Nin, what about you. You’ve been saying mighty little about yourself. What’s been happening to you, anyway?---- NINIAN That’s the question. DWIGHT Traveling mostly--eh? NINIAN Yes, traveling mostly. DWIGHT I thought Ina and I might get over to the other side this year, but I guess not--I guess not. MRS. BETT Pity not to have went while the going was good. DWIGHT What’s that, Mama Bett? [_Enter LULU._] Ah, the lovely Lulu. She comes, she comes! My word what a costoom. And a coif_fure_. LULU Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Cornish? CORNISH How do you do, Miss Lulu? You see they’re taking me along too. LULU That’s nice. But, Mr. Deacon, I’m afraid I can’t go after all. I haven’t any gloves. NINIAN No backing out now. DWIGHT Can’t you wear some old gloves of Ina’s? LULU No, no. Ina’s gloves are too fat for me--I mean too--mother, how does this hat look? MRS. BETT You’d ought to know how it looks, Lulie. You’ve had it on your head for ten years, hand-running. LULU And I haven’t any theater cape. I couldn’t go with my jacket and no gloves, could I? DWIGHT Now why need a charmer like you care about clothes! LULU I wouldn’t want you gentlemen to be ashamed of me. CORNISH Why, Miss Lulu, you look real neat. MRS. BETT Act as good as you look, Lulie. You mind me and go on. [_Enter INA._] DWIGHT Ha! All ready with our hat on! For a wonder, all ready with our hat on. INA That isn’t really necessary, Dwight. LULU Ina, I wondered--I thought about your linen duster. Would it hurt if I wore that? DWIGHT The new one? LULU Oh no, no. The old one. INA Why take it, Lulu, yes, certainly. Get it, Dwightie, there in the hall. [_DWIGHT goes._] CORNISH Miss Lulu, with all the solid virtues you’ve got, you don’t need to think for a moment of how you look. LULU Now you’re remembering the meat pie again, aren’t you? [_Enter DWIGHT._] DWIGHT Now! The festive opera cloak. Allow me! My word, what a picture! Lulu the charmer dressed for her deboo into society, eh? NINIAN Dwight, shut your head. I want you to understand this is Miss Lulu Bett’s party--and if she says to leave you home, we’ll do it. DWIGHT Ah, ha! An understanding between these two. CORNISH Well, Miss Lulu, _I_ think you’re just fine anyway. LULU Oh, thank you. Thank you.... [_Enter DI._] INA All ready, darling? DI All ready--and so excited! Isn’t it exciting, Mr. Cornish? DWIGHT Bless me if the whole family isn’t assembled. Now isn’t this pleasant! Ten--let me see--twelve minutes before we need set out. Then the city and dinner--not just Lulu’s cooking, but dinner! By a chef. INA That’s sheff, Dwightie. Not cheff. DWIGHT [_Indicating INA._] Little crusty to-night. Pettie, your hat’s just a little mite--no, over the other way. INA Was there anything to prevent your speaking of that before? LULU Ina, that hat’s ever so much prettier than the old one. INA I never saw anything the matter with the old one. DWIGHT She’ll be all right when we get started--out among the bright lights. Adventure--adventure is what the woman wants. I’m too tame for her. INA Idiot. [_Back at window, BOBBY LARKIN appears. DI slips across to him._] MRS. BETT I s’pose you all think I like being left sitting here stark alone? NINIAN Why, Mrs. Bett---- INA Why, mama---- LULU Oh, mother, I’ll stay with you. DWIGHT Oh, look here, if she really minds staying alone I’ll stay with her. MRS. BETT Where you going anyway? LULU The theater, mama. MRS. BETT First I’ve heard of it. [_MONONA is heard chanting._] INA You’ll have Monona with you, mama. [_MRS. BETT utters one note of laughter, thin and high_.] [_Enter MONONA._] MONONA Where you going? INA The city, dear. [_MONONA cries._] Now quiet, pettie, quiet---- MONONA You’ve all got to bring me something. And I’m going to sit up and eat it, too. MRS. BETT Come here, you poor, neglected child. [_Throughout the following scene MRS. BETT is absorbed with MONONA, and DI with BOBBY._] DWIGHT What’s Lulu the charmer so still for, eh? LULU I was thinking how nice it is to be going off with you all like this. DWIGHT Such a moment advertises to the single the joys of family life as Ina and I live it. INA It’s curious that you’ve never married, Ninian. NINIAN Don’t say it like that. Maybe I have. Or maybe I will. DWIGHT She wants everybody to marry but she wishes she hadn’t. INA Do you _have_ to be so foolish? DWIGHT Hi--better get started before she makes a scene. It’s too early yet, though. Well--Lulu, you dance on the table. INA Why, Dwight? DWIGHT Got to amuse ourselves somehow. They’ll begin to read the funeral service over us. NINIAN Why not the wedding service? DWIGHT Ha, ha, ha! NINIAN I shouldn’t object. Should you, Miss Lulu? LULU I--I don’t know it so I can’t say it. NINIAN I can say it. DWIGHT Where’d you learn it? NINIAN Goes like this: I, Ninian, take thee, Lulu, to be my wedded wife. DWIGHT Lulu don’t dare say that. NINIAN Show him, Miss Lulu. DWIGHT I, Lulu, take thee, Ninian, to be my wedded husband. NINIAN You will? LULU I will. There--I guess I can join in like the rest of you. NINIAN And I will. There, by Jove! have we entertained the company, or haven’t we? INA Oh, honestly--I don’t think you ought to--holy things so--what’s the matter, Dwightie? DWIGHT Say, by George, you know, a civil wedding is binding in this state. NINIAN A civil wedding--oh, well---- DWIGHT But I happen to be a magistrate. INA Why, Dwightie--why, Dwightie.... CORNISH Mr. Deacon, this can’t be possible. DWIGHT I tell you, what these two have said is all that they have to say according to law. And there don’t have to be witnesses--say! LULU Don’t ... don’t ... don’t let Dwight scare you. NINIAN Scare me! why, I think it’s a good job done if you ask me. [_Their eyes meet in silence._] INA Mercy, sister! DWIGHT Oh, well--I should say we can have it set aside up in the city and no one will be the wiser. NINIAN Set aside nothing. I’d like to see it stand. INA Ninian, are you serious? NINIAN Of course I’m serious. INA Lulu. You hear him? What are you going to say to that? LULU He isn’t in earnest. NINIAN I am in earnest--hope to die. LULU Oh, no, no! NINIAN You come with me. We’ll have it done over again somewhere if you say so. LULU Why--why--that couldn’t be.... NINIAN Why couldn’t it be--why couldn’t it? LULU How could you want me? NINIAN Didn’t I tell you I liked you from the first minute I saw you? LULU Yes. Yes, you did. But--no, no. I couldn’t let you---- NINIAN Never mind that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me? Would you? LULU But you--you said you wanted--oh, maybe you’re just doing this because---- NINIAN Lulu. Never mind any of that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me? LULU Oh, if I thought---- NINIAN Good girl---- INA Why, Lulu. Why, Dwight. It can’t be legal. DWIGHT Why? Because it’s your sister? I’ve married dozens of couples this way. Dozens. NINIAN Good enough--eh, Lulu? LULU It’s--it’s all right, I guess. DWIGHT Well, I’ll be dished. CORNISH Well, by Jerusalem.... INA Sister! NINIAN I was going to make a trip south this month on my way home from here. Suppose we make sure of this thing and start right off. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Going to Savannah? LULU Yes, I’d like that. NINIAN Then that’s checked off. DWIGHT I suppose we call off our trip to the city to-night then. NINIAN Call off nothing. Come along. Give us a send-off. You can shoot our trunks after us, can’t you? All right, Miss Lulu--er--er, Mrs. Lulu? LULU If you won’t be ashamed of me. NINIAN I can buy you some things in the city to-morrow. LULU Oh.... INA Oh, mama, mama! Did you hear? Di! Aunt Lulu’s married. DI Married? Aunt Lulu? INA Just now. Right here. By papa. DI Oh, to Mr. Cornish? CORNISH No, Miss Di. Don’t you worry. INA To Ninian, mama. They’ve just been married--Lulu and Ninian. MRS. BETT Who’s going to do your work? LULU Oh, mother dearest--I don’t know who will. I ought not to have done this. Well, of course, I didn’t do it---- MRS. BETT I knew well enough you were all keeping something from me. INA But, mama! It was so sudden---- LULU I never planned to do it, mother--not like this---- MRS. BETT Well, Inie, I should think Lulie might have had a little more consideration to her than this. [_At the window, behind the curtain, DI has just kissed BOBBY good-by._] LULU Mother dearest, tell me it’s all right. MRS. BETT This is what comes of going to the theater. LULU Mother---- DWIGHT Come on, everybody, if we’re going to make that train. NINIAN Yes. Let’s get out of this. CORNISH Come, Miss Di. INA Oh, I’m so _flustrated_! DWIGHT Come, come, come all! On to the festive city! MONONA [_Dancing stiffly up and down._] I was to a wedding! I was to a wedding! NINIAN Good-by, Mama Bett! LULU Mother, mother! Don’t forget the two pies! CURTAIN ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACT II SCENE I SIDE PORCH, _wicker furnished. At the back are two windows, attractively curtained and revealing shaded lamps; between the windows a door, of good lines, set in white clapboards. The porch is raised but a step or two. Low greenery, and a path leading off sharply left. It is evening, a month after LULU’S marriage._ [_Discover INA, DWIGHT, MRS. BETT and MONONA._] INA Dwight dear, the screen has never been put on that back window. DWIGHT Now, why can’t my puss remind me of that in the morning instead of the only time I have to take my ease with my family. INA But, Dwight, in the mornings you are so busy---- DWIGHT What an argumentative puss you are. By Jove! look at that rambler rosebush. It’s got to be sprayed. INA You’ve said that every night for a week, Dwight.... DWIGHT Don’t exaggerate like that, Ina. It’s bad for Monona. INA Dwight, look, quick. There go our new neighbors. They have a limousine--Perhaps I have been a little slow about calling. Look at them, Dwight! DWIGHT My dear Ina, I see them. Do you want me to pat them on the back? INA Well, I think you might be interested. [_MONONA chants softly._] Dwight, I wonder if Monona really has a musical gift. DWIGHT She’s a most unusual child. Do you know it? [_Enter DI, from house._] INA Oh, they both are. Where are _you_ going, I’d like to know? DI Mama, I have to go down to the liberry. INA It seems to me you have to go to the library every evening. Dwight, do you think she ought to go? DWIGHT Diana, is it necessary that you go? DI Well, everybody else goes, and---- INA I will not have you downtown in the evenings. DI But you let me go last night. INA All the better reason why you should _not_ go to-night. MONONA Mama, let me go with her. INA Very well, Di, you may go and take your sister. MONONA Goody, goody! last time you wouldn’t let me go. INA That’s why mama’s going to let you go to-night. DWIGHT I thought you said the child must go to bed half an hour earlier because she wouldn’t eat her egg. INA Yes, that’s so, I did. Monona, you can’t go. MONONA But I didn’t want my egg--honest I didn’t. INA Makes no difference. You must eat or you’ll get sick. Mama’s going to teach you to eat. Go on, Di, to the library if it’s necessary. DWIGHT I suppose Bobby Larkin has to go to the library to-night, eh? INA Dwight, I wouldn’t joke her about him. Scold her about him, the way you did this morning. DI But papa was cross about something else this morning. And to-night he isn’t. Good-by, Dwight and Ina! [_Exit DI._] MONONA I hate the whole family. MRS. BETT Well, I should think she would. INA Why, mama! Why, Pettie Deacon! [_MONONA weeps silently._] DWIGHT [_To INA._] Say no more, my dear. It’s best to overlook. Show a sweet spirit.... MRS. BETT About as much like a father and mother as a cat and dog. DWIGHT We’ve got to learn---- MRS. BETT Performin’ like a pair of weathercocks. [_Both talking at once._] DWIGHT Mother Bett! Are you talking, or am I? MRS. BETT I am. But you don’t seem to know it. DWIGHT Let us talk, pussy, and she’ll simmer down. Ah--nothing new from the bride and groom? INA No, Dwight. And it’s been a week since Lulu wrote. She said he’d bought her a new red dress--and a hat. Isn’t it too funny--to think of Lulu---- DWIGHT I don’t understand why they plan to go straight to Oregon without coming here first. INA It isn’t a bit fair to mama, going off that way. Leaving her own mother--why, she may never see mama again. MRS. BETT Oh I’m going to last on quite a while yet. DWIGHT Of course you are, Mama Bett. You’re my best girl. That reminds me, Ina, we must run up to visit Aunt Mollie. We ought to run up there next week. She isn’t well. INA Let’s do that. Dear me, I wish Lulu was here to leave in charge. I certainly do miss Lulu--lots of ways. MRS. BETT ’Specially when it comes mealtime. INA Is that somebody coming here? DWIGHT Looks like it--yes, so it is. Some caller, as usual. [_Enter LULU._] Well, if it isn’t Miss Lulu Bett. INA Why, sister! MRS. BETT Lulie. Lulie. Lulie. LULU How did you know? INA Know what? LULU That it isn’t Lulu Deacon. DWIGHT What’s this? INA Isn’t Lulu Deacon. What are you talking? LULU Didn’t he write to you? DWIGHT Not a word. All we’ve had we had from you--the last from Savannah, Georgia. LULU Savannah, Georgia.... DWIGHT Well, but he’s here with you, isn’t he? INA Where is he? Isn’t he here? LULU Must be most to Oregon by this time. DWIGHT Oregon? LULU You see, he had another wife. INA Another wife! DWIGHT Why, he had not. LULU Yes, another wife. He hasn’t seen her for fifteen years and he thinks she’s dead. But he isn’t sure. DWIGHT Nonsense. Why of course she’s dead if he thinks so. LULU I had to be sure. INA Monona! Go upstairs to bed at once. MONONA It’s only quarter of. INA Do as mama tells you. MONONA But---- INA Monona! [_She goes, kissing them all good-night and taking her time about it. Everything is suspended while she kisses them and departs, walking slowly backward._] MRS. BETT Married? Lulie, was your husband married? LULU Yes, my husband was married, mother. INA Mercy, think of anything like that in our family. DWIGHT Well, go on--go on. Tell us about it. LULU We were going to Oregon. First down to New Orleans and then out to California and up the coast.... Well, then at Savannah, Georgia, he said he thought I better know first. So then he told me. DWIGHT Yes--well, what did he say? LULU Cora Waters. Cora Waters. She married him down in San Diego eighteen years ago. She went to South America with him. DWIGHT Well, he never let us know of it, if she did. LULU No. She married him just before he went. Then in South America, after two years, she ran away. That’s all he knows. DWIGHT That’s a pretty story. LULU He says if she was alive she’d be after him for a divorce. And she never has been so he thinks she must be dead. The trouble is he wasn’t sure. And I had to be sure. INA Well, but mercy! Couldn’t he find out now? LULU It might take a long time and I didn’t want to stay and not know. INA Well then why didn’t he say so here? LULU He would have. But you know how sudden everything was. He said he thought about telling us right here that afternoon when--when it happened but of course that’d been hard, wouldn’t it? And then he felt so sure she was dead. INA Why did he tell you at all then? DWIGHT Yes. Why indeed? LULU I thought that just at first but only just at first. Of course that wouldn’t have been right. And then you see he gave me my choice. DWIGHT Gave you your choice? LULU Yes. About going on and taking the chances. He gave me my choice when he told me, there in Savannah, Georgia. DWIGHT What made him conclude by then that you ought to be told? LULU Why, he’d got to thinking about it. [_A silence._] The only thing as long as it happened I kind of wish he hadn’t told me till we got to Oregon. INA Lulu! Oh, you poor poor thing.... [_MRS. BETT suddenly joins INA in tears, rocking her body._] LULU Don’t, mother. Oh, Ina, don’t.... He felt bad too. DWIGHT He! He must have. INA It’s you. It’s you. _My_ sister! LULU I never thought of it making you both feel bad. I knew it would make Dwight feel bad. I mean, it was his brother---- INA Thank goodness! nobody need know about it. LULU Oh, yes. People will have to know. DWIGHT I do not see the necessity. LULU Why, what would they think? DWIGHT What difference does it make what they think? LULU Why, I shouldn’t like--you see they might--why, Dwight, I think we’ll have to tell them. DWIGHT You do. You think the disgrace of bigamy in this family is something the whole town will have to know about. LULU Say. I never thought about it being that. DWIGHT What did you think it was? And whose disgrace is it, pray? LULU Mine. And Ninian’s. DWIGHT Ninian’s. Well, he’s gone. But you’re here. And I’m here--and my family. Folks’ll feel sorry for you. But the disgrace, that would reflect on me. LULU But if we don’t tell what’ll they think? DWIGHT They’ll think what they always think when a wife leaves her husband. They’ll think you couldn’t get along. That’s all. LULU I should hate that. I wouldn’t want them to think I hadn’t been a good wife to Ninian. DWIGHT Wife? You never were his wife. That’s just the point. LULU Oh! DWIGHT Don’t you realize the position he’s in?... See here--do you intend--Are you going to sue Ninian? LULU Oh! no! no! no! INA Why, Lulu, any one would think you loved him. LULU I do love him. And he loved me. Don’t you think I know? He loved me. INA Lulu. LULU I love him--I do, and I’m not ashamed to tell you. MRS. BETT Lulie, Lulie, was his other wife--was she _there_? LULU No, no, mother. She wasn’t there. MRS. BETT Then it ain’t so bad. I was afraid maybe she turned you out. LULU No, no. It wasn’t that bad, mother. DWIGHT In fact I simply will not have it, Lulu. You expect, I take it, to make your home with us in the future on the old terms. LULU Well---- DWIGHT I mean did Ninian give you any money? LULU No. He didn’t give me any money--only enough to get home on. And I kept my suit and the other dress--why! I wouldn’t have taken any money. DWIGHT That means that you will have to continue to live here on the old terms and of course I’m quite willing that you should. Let me tell you, however, that this is on condition--on condition that this disgraceful business is kept to ourselves. INA Truly, Lulu, wouldn’t that be best? They’ll talk anyway. But this way they’ll only talk about you and the other way it’ll be about all of us. LULU But the other way would be the truth. DWIGHT My dear Lulu, are you sure of that? LULU Sure? DWIGHT Yes. Did he give you any proofs? LULU Proofs? DWIGHT Letters--documents of any sort? Any sort of assurance that he was speaking the truth? LULU Why--no. Proofs--no. He told me. DWIGHT He told you! LULU That was hard enough to have to do. It was terrible for him to have to do. What proofs---- DWIGHT I may as well tell you that I myself have no idea that Ninian told you the truth. He was always imagining things, inventing things--you must have seen that. I know him pretty well--have been in touch with him more or less the whole time. In short I haven’t the least idea he was ever married before. LULU I never thought of that. DWIGHT Look here--hadn’t you and he had some little tiff when he told you? LULU No--no! Not once. He was very good to me. This dress--and my shoes--and my hat. And another dress, too. [_She takes off her hat._] He liked the red wing--I wanted black--oh, Dwight! He did tell me the truth! DWIGHT As long as there’s any doubt about it--and I feel the gravest doubts--I desire that you should keep silent and protect my family from this scandal. I have taken you into my confidence about these doubts for your own profit. LULU My own profit! [_Moves toward the door._] INA Lulu--you see! We just couldn’t have this known about Dwight’s own brother, could we now? DWIGHT You have it in your own hands to repay me, Lulu, for anything that you feel I may have done for you in the past. You also have it in your hands to decide whether your home here continues. This is not a pleasant position for me to find myself in. In fact it is distinctly unpleasant I may say. But you see for yourself. [_LULU goes into the house._] MRS. BETT Wasn’t she married when she thought she was? INA Mama, do please remember Monona. Yes--Dwight thinks now she’s married all right and that it was all right, all the time. MRS. BETT Well, I hope so, for pity sakes. MONONA’S VOICE [_From upstairs._] Mama! Come on and hear me say my prayers, why don’t you? DARKNESS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCENE II _INA seated. MONONA jumping on and off the porch, chanting_. [_Enter DWIGHT._] DWIGHT Ah, this is great ... no place like home after all, is there? INA Now, Monona, sit down and be quiet. You’ve played enough for one day. [_Enter MRS. BETT._] MONONA How do you know I have? DWIGHT Ah, Mama Bett. Coming out to enjoy the evening air? MRS. BETT No, I thank you. DWIGHT Well, well, well, let’s see what’s new in the great press of our country.... [_They are now seated in the approximate positions assumed at the opening of SCENE I._] INA Dwight dear, nothing has been done about that screen for the back window. DWIGHT Now why couldn’t my puss have reminded me of that this morning instead of waiting for the only time I have to take my ease with my family. INA But Dwightie, in the mornings you’re so busy---- DWIGHT You are argumentative, pussy--you certainly are. And you ought to curb it. For that matter I haven’t sprayed that rambler rosebush. INA Every single night for a month you’ve spoken of spraying that rosebush. DWIGHT Ina, will you cease your exaggerations on Monona’s account if not on mine. Exaggeration, my pet, is one of the worst of female faults. Exaggeration---- INA Look, Dwight! our new neighbors have got a dog. Great big brute of a thing. He’s going to tear up every towel I spread on our grass.... [_Enter DI, from the house._] Now, Di, where are you going? DI Mama, I have to go down to the liberry. INA Now, Di---- DI You let me go last night. MONONA Mama, I can go, can’t I? Because you wouldn’t let me go last night. INA No, Monona, you may _not_ go. MONONA Oh, why not? INA Because mama says so. Isn’t that enough? MRS. BETT Anybody’d think you was the king--layin’ down the law an’ layin’ down the law an’ layin’ down----Where’s Lulie? DI Mama, isn’t Uncle Ninian coming back? INA Hush.... No. Now don’t ask mama any more questions. DI But supposing people ask me. What’ll I say? INA Don’t say anything at all about Aunt Lulu. DI But, mama, what has she done? INA Di! Don’t you think mama knows best? DI [_Softly._] No, I don’t.... Well anyway Aunt Lulu’s got on a perfectly beautiful dress to-night.... INA And you know, Dwight, Lulu’s clothes give me the funniest feeling. As if Lulu was wearing things bought for her by some one that wasn’t--that was---- DWIGHT By her husband who has left her. DI Is that what it is, papa? DWIGHT That’s what it is, my little girl. DI Well, I think it’s a shame. And I think Uncle Ninian is a slunge. INA Di Deacon! DI I do! And I’d be ashamed to think anything else. I’d like to tell everybody. DWIGHT There’s no need for secrecy now. INA Dwight, really--do you think we ought---- DWIGHT No need whatever for secrecy. The truth is Lulu’s husband has tired of her and sent her home. We may as well face it. INA But Dwight--how awful for Lulu.... DWIGHT Lulu has us to stand by her. [_Enter LULU._] LULU That sounds good. That I have you to stand by me. DWIGHT My dear Lulu, the family bond is the strongest bond in the world. Family. Tribe. The--er--pack. Standing up for the family honor, the family reputation is the highest nobility. [_Exit DI by degrees. Left._] I tell you of all history the most beautiful product is the family tie. Of it are born family consideration---- INA Why, you don’t look like yourself ... is it your hair, Lulu? You look so strange.... LULU Don’t you like it? Ninian liked it. DWIGHT In that case I think you’d show more modesty if you arranged your hair in the old way. LULU Yes, you would think so. Dwight, I want you to give me Ninian’s Oregon address. DWIGHT You want what? LULU Ninian’s Oregon address. It’s a funny thing but I haven’t it. DWIGHT It would seem that you have no particular need for that particular address. LULU Yes I have. I want it. You have it haven’t you, Dwight? DWIGHT Certainly I have it. LULU Won’t you please write it down for me? [_She offers him tablet._] DWIGHT My dear Lulu, now why revive anything? No good can come by---- LULU But why shouldn’t I have his address? DWIGHT If everything is over between you why should you? LULU But you say he’s still my husband. DWIGHT If my brother has shown his inclination as plainly as I judge that he has it is certainly not my place to put you in touch with him again. LULU I don’t know whose place it is. But I’ve got to know more--I’ve got to know more, Dwight. This afternoon I went to the post office to ask for his address--it seemed so strange to be doing that, after all that’s been--They didn’t know his address--I could see how they wondered at my asking. And I knew how the others wondered--Mis’ Martin, Mis’ Curtis, Mis’ Grove. “Where you hiding that handsome husband of yours?” they said. All I could say was that he isn’t here. Dwight! I won’t live like that. I want to know the truth. You give me Ninian’s address. DWIGHT My dear Lulu! My _dear_ Lulu! You are not the one to write to him. Have you no delicacy? LULU So much delicacy that I want to be sure whether I’m married or not. DWIGHT Then I myself will take this up with my brother. I will write to him about it. LULU Here’s everything--if you’re going to write him, do it now. DWIGHT My dear Lulu! don’t be absurd. LULU Ina! Help me! If this was Dwight--and they didn’t know whether he had another wife or not and you wanted to ask him and you didn’t know where he was--oh, don’t you see? Help me. INA Well of course. I see it all, Lulu. And yet--why not let Dwight do it in his own way? Wouldn’t that be better? LULU Mother! MRS. BETT Lulie. Set down. Set down, why don’t you? LULU Dwight, you write that letter to Ninian. And you make him tell you so that you’ll understand. I know he spoke the truth. But I want you to know. DWIGHT M--m. And then I suppose as soon as you have the proofs you’re going to tell it all over town. LULU I’m going to tell it all over town just as it is--unless you write to him. INA Lulu! Oh, you wouldn’t! LULU I would. I will. DWIGHT And get turned out of the house as you would be? INA Dwight. Oh, you wouldn’t! DWIGHT I would. I will. Lulu knows it. LULU I shall tell what I know and then leave your house anyway unless you get Ninian’s word. And you’re going to write to him now. DWIGHT You would leave your mother? And leave Ina? LULU Leave everything. INA Oh, Dwight! We can’t get along without Lulu. DWIGHT Isn’t this like a couple of women?... Rather than let you in for a show of temper, Lulu, I’d do anything. [_Writes._] MONONA [_Behind INA._] Mama, can I write Uncle Ninian a little letter, too? INA For pity sakes, aren’t you in bed yet? MONONA It’s only quarter of. INA Well you may go to bed _now_ because you have sat there listening. How often must mama tell you not to listen to grown people. MONONA Do they always say something bad? INA Monona, you are to go up to bed at once. [_She makes her leisurely rounds for kisses._] MONONA Papa, it’s your turn to hear me say my prayers to-night. DWIGHT Very well, pettie. When you’re ready call me. [_Exit MONONA._] There, Lulu. The deed is done. Now I hope you’re satisfied. [_Places the letter in his pocket._] LULU I want you to give me the letter to mail, please. DWIGHT Why this haste, sister mine? I’ll mail it in the morning. LULU I’ll mail it now. Now. DWIGHT I may take a little stroll before bedtime--I’ll mail it then. There’s nothing like a brisk walk to induce sound restful sleep. LULU I’ll mail the letter now. DWIGHT I suppose I’ll have to humor your sister, Ina. Purely on your account you understand. [_Hands the letter._] INA Oh, Dwight, how good you are! LULU There’s--there’s one thing more I want to speak about. If--if you and Ina go to your Aunt Mollie’s then Ninian’s letter might come while you’re away. DWIGHT Conceivably. Letters do come while a man’s away. LULU Yes. And I thought if you wouldn’t mind if I opened it---- DWIGHT Opened it? Opened _my_ letter? LULU Yes, you see it’ll be about me mostly. You wouldn’t mind if I did open it? DWIGHT But you say you know what will be in it, _Miss_ Bett? LULU I did know till you--I’ve got to see that letter, Dwight. DWIGHT And so you shall. But not until I show it to you. My dear Lulu, you know how I hate having my mail interfered with. You shall see the letter all in good time when Ina and I return. LULU You wouldn’t want to let me--just see what he says? DWIGHT I prefer always to open my own letters. LULU Very well, Dwight. [_She moves away. Right._] INA And Lulu, I meant to ask you: Don’t you think it might be better if you--if you kept out of sight for a few days? LULU Why? INA Why set people wondering till we have to? LULU They don’t have to wonder as far as I’m concerned. [_Exit._] MRS. BETT I’m going through the kitchen to set with Grandma Gates. She always says my visits are like a dose of medicine. [_Exit MRS. BETT._] INA It certainly has changed Lulu--a man coming into her life. She never spoke to me like that before. DWIGHT I saw she wasn’t herself. I’d do anything to avoid having a scene--you know that.... You do know that, don’t you? INA But I really think you ought to have written to Ninian. It’s--it’s not a nice position for Lulu. DWIGHT Nice! But whom has she got to blame for it? INA Why, Ninian. DWIGHT Herself! To tell you the truth, I was perfectly amazed at the way she snapped him up here that afternoon. INA Why but Dwight---- DWIGHT Brazen. Oh, it was brazen. INA It was just fun in the first place. DWIGHT But no really nice woman---- INA Dwightie--what did you say in the letter? DWIGHT What did I say? I said, I said: “DEAR BROTHER, I take it that the first wife story was devised to relieve you of a distasteful situation. Kindly confirm. Family well as usual. Business fair.” Covers it, don’t it? INA Oh, Dwightie--how complete that is. DWIGHT I’m pretty good at writing brief concise letters--that say the whole thing, eh? INA I’ve often noticed that.... DWIGHT My precious pussy.... Oh, how unlike Lulu you are! [_Right. DI and BOBBY appear, walking very slowly and very near._] [_DWIGHT rises, holds out his arms._] INA Poor dear foolish Lulu! oh, Dwight--what if it was Di in Lulu’s place? DWIGHT Such a thing couldn’t happen to Di. Di was born with ladylike feelings. [_They enter the house. INA extinguishes a lamp. DWIGHT turns down the hall gas. Pause. DI and BOBBY come to the veranda._] DI Bobby dear! You don’t kiss me as if you really wanted to kiss me to-night.... DARKNESS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCENE III THE SAME. _Evening, a week later. Stage flooded with moonlight, house lighted. At the piano, just inside the window, LULU and CORNISH are finishing a song together, LULU accompanying._ How sweet the happy evening’s close, ’Tis the hour of sweet repose-- Good-night. The summer wind has sunk to rest, The moon serenely bright Unfolds her calm and gentle ray, Softly now she seems to say, Good-night. [_As they sing, DI slips into the house, unseen._] CORNISH Why, Miss Lulu, you’re quite a musician. LULU Oh, no. I’ve never played in front of anybody---- [_They come to the porch._] I don’t know what Ina and Dwight would say if they heard me. CORNISH What a pretty dress that is, Miss Lulu! LULU I made this from one of Ina’s old ones since she’s been gone. I don’t know what Ina and Dwight are going to say about this dress, made like this, when they get home. CORNISH When are they coming back? LULU Any time now. They’ve been gone most a week. Do you know I never had but one compliment before that wasn’t for my cooking. CORNISH You haven’t! LULU He told me I done up my hair nice. That was after I took notice how the ladies in Savannah, Georgia, done up theirs. CORNISH I guess you can do most anything you set your hand to, Miss Lulu: Look after Miss Di and sing and play and cook---- LULU Yes, cook. But I can’t earn anything. I’d like to earn something. CORNISH You would! Why, you have it fine here, I thought. LULU Oh, fine, yes. Dwight gives me what I have. And I do their work. CORNISH I see. I never thought of that.... [_Pause._] LULU You’re wondering why I didn’t stay with _him_! CORNISH Oh, no. LULU Yes you are! The whole town’s wondering. They’re all talking about me. CORNISH Well, Miss Lulu, you know it don’t make any difference to your friends what people say. LULU But they don’t know the truth. You see, he had another wife. CORNISH Lord sakes! LULU Dwight thinks it isn’t true. He thinks--he didn’t have another wife.... You see, Dwight thinks he didn’t want me. CORNISH But--your husband--I mean, why doesn’t he write to Mr. Deacon and tell him the truth---- LULU He has written. The letter’s in there on the piano. CORNISH What’d he say? LULU Dwight doesn’t like me to touch his mail. I’ll have to wait till he comes back. CORNISH Lord sakes! ... You--you--you’re too nice a girl to get a deal like this. Darned if you aren’t. LULU Oh, no. CORNISH Yes you are, too! And there ain’t a thing I can do. LULU It’s a good deal to have somebody to talk to.... CORNISH Sure it is. LULU ... Cora Waters. Cora Waters, of San Diego, California. And she never heard of me. CORNISH No. She never did, did she? Ain’t life the darn---- [_Enter MRS. BETT._] MRS. BETT I got Monona into bed. And it’s no fool of a job neither. LULU Did you, mother? Come and sit down. MRS. BETT Yes. She went to bed with a full set of doll dishes.... Ain’t it nice with the folks all gone? ... I don’t hear any more playin’ and singin’. It sounded real good. LULU We sung all I knew how to play, mama. MRS. BETT I use’ to play on the melodeon. CORNISH Well, well, well. MRS. BETT That was when I was first married. We had a little log house in a clearing in York State. I was seventeen--and he was nineteen. While he was chopping I use’ to sit on a log with my sewing. Jenny was born in that house. I was alone at the time. I was alone with her when she died, too. She was sixteen--little bits of hands she had---- [_Yawns. Rises, wanders toward door._] Can’t we have some more playin’ and singin’? LULU After a little while, mama--dear. MRS. BETT It went kind of nice--that last tune you sung. [_Hums the air. Enters house._] CORNISH I must be going along too, Miss Lulu. LULU I can’t think why Di doesn’t come. She ought not to be out like this without telling me---- [_MRS. BETT appears beside the piano, lifts and examines the letters lying there._] CORNISH Well, don’t you mind on my account. I’ve enjoyed every minute I’ve been here. LULU Mother! Those are Dwight’s letters--don’t you touch them. MRS. BETT I ain’t hurting them or him neither. [_Disappears, the letters in her hand._] CORNISH Good-night, Miss Lulu. If there was anything I could do at any time you’d let me know, wouldn’t you? LULU Oh, thank you. CORNISH I’ve had an awful nice time, singing, and listening to you talk--well of course--I mean the supper was just fine! And so was the music. LULU Oh, no. [_MRS. BETT appears at the door with a letter._] MRS. BETT Lulie. I guess you didn’t notice. This one’s from Ninian. LULU Mother---- MRS. BETT I opened it--why of course I did. It’s from Ninian. [_Holds out unfolded letter and an old newspaper clipping._] The paper’s awful old--years back, looks like. See. Says “Corie Waters, music hall singer--married last night to Ninian Deacon”--Say, Lulie, that must be her. LULU Yes, that’s her. That’s her--Cora Waters.... Oh, then he _was_ married to her just like he said! CORNISH Oh, Miss Lulu! I’m so sorry! LULU No, no. Because he wanted me! He didn’t say that just to get rid of me! CORNISH Oh, that way.... I see.... LULU I’m so thankful it wasn’t that. MRS. BETT Then everything’s all right onct more. Ain’t that nice! LULU I’m so thankful it wasn’t that. CORNISH Yes, I can understand that. Well, I--I guess I ought to be going now, Miss Lulu.... Why, it _is_ Miss Lulu Bett, isn’t it? LULU [_Abstractedly, with the paper._] Yes--yes--good-night, Mr. Cornish. Good-night. CORNISH Good-night, Miss Lulu.... I wonder if you would let me tell you something. LULU Why---- CORNISH I guess I don’t amount to much. I’ll never be a lawyer. I’m no good at business and everything I say sounds wrong to me. And yet I do believe I do know enough not to bully a woman--not to make her unhappy, maybe even--I could make her a little happy. Miss Lulu, I hate to see you looking and talking so sad. Do you think we could possibly arrange---- LULU Oh! CORNISH I guess maybe you’ve heard something about a little something I’m supposed to inherit. Well, I got it. Of course, it’s only five hundred dollars. We could get that little Warden house and furnish up the parlor with pianos--that is, if you could ever think of marrying me. LULU Don’t say that--don’t say that! MRS. BETT Better take him, Lulie. A girl ought to take any young man that will propose in front of her mother! CORNISH Of course if you loved him very much then I’d ought not to be talking this way to you. LULU You see Ninian was the first person who was ever kind to me. Nobody ever wanted me, nobody ever even thought of me. Then he came. It might have been somebody else. It might have been you. But it happened to be Ninian and I do love him. CORNISH I see. I guess you’ll forgive me for what I said. LULU Of course. CORNISH Miss Lulu, if that five hundred could be of any use to you, I wish you’d take it. LULU Oh, thank you, thank you, I couldn’t. CORNISH Well, I guess I’ll be stepping along. If you should want me, I’m always there. I guess you know that. [_Exit._] MRS. BETT Better burn that up. I wouldn’t have it round. LULU But mother! Mother dear, try to understand. This means that Ninian told the truth. He wasn’t just trying to get rid of me. MRS. BETT Did he want you to stay with him? LULU I don’t know. But I think he did. Anyway, now I know the truth about him. MRS. BETT Well, I wouldn’t want anybody else to know. Here, let me have it and burn it up. LULU Mama, mama! Aren’t you glad for me that now I can prove Ninian wasn’t just making up a story so I’d go away? MRS. BETT [_Clearly and beautifully._] Oh, Lulu! My little girl! Is that what they said about you? Mother knows it wasn’t like that. Mother knows he loved you.... How still it is here! Where’s Inie? LULU They’ve gone away, you know.... MRS. BETT Well, I guess I’ll step over to Grandma Gates’s a spell. See how her rheumatism is. I’ll be back before long--I’ll be back.... [_Exit. For a moment LULU breaks down and sobs. Rises to lay DWIGHT’S letter through the window on piano. Slight sound. She listens. Enter DI from house. She is carrying a traveling bag._] LULU Di! Why Di! What does this mean? Where were you going? Why, mama won’t like your carrying her nice new satchel.... DI Aunt Lulu--the idea. What right have you to interfere with me like this? LULU Di, you must explain to me what this means.... Di, where can you be going with a satchel this time of the night? Di Deacon, are you running away with somebody? DI You have no right to ask me questions, Aunt Lulu. LULU Di, you’re going off with Bobby Larkin. Aren’t you? Aren’t you? DI If I am it’s entirely our own affair. LULU Why, Di. If you and Bobby want to be married why not let us get you up a nice wedding here at home---- DI Aunt Lulu, you’re a funny person to be telling _me_ what to do. LULU I love you just as much as if I was married happy, in a home. DI Well, you aren’t. And I’m going to do just as I think best. Bobby and I are the ones most concerned in this, Aunt Lulu. LULU But--but getting married is for your whole life! DI Yours wasn’t. LULU Di, my dear little girl, you must wait at least till mama and papa get home. DI That’s likely. They say I’m not to be married till I’m twenty-one. LULU Well, but how young that is. DI It is to you. It isn’t young to me, remember, Aunt Lulu. LULU But this is wrong--it is wrong! DI There’s nothing wrong about getting married if you stay married. LULU Well, then it can’t be wrong to let your mother and father know. DI It isn’t. But they’d treat me wrong. Mama’d cry and say I was disgracing _her_. And papa--first he’d scold me and then he’d joke me about it. He’d joke me about it every day for weeks, every morning at breakfast, every night here on the porch--he’d joke me. LULU Why, Di! Do you feel that way, too? DI You don’t know what it is to be laughed at or paid no attention to, everything you say. LULU Don’t I? Don’t I? Is that why you’re going? DI Well, it’s one reason. LULU But Di, do you love Bobby Larkin? DI Well.... I could love almost anybody real nice that was nice to me. LULU Di ... Di.... DI It’s true. [_BOBBY enters._] You ought to know that.... You did it. Mama said so. LULU Don’t you think that I don’t know.... DI Oh, Bobby, she’s trying to stop us! But she can’t do it--I’ve told her so---- BOBBY She don’t have to stop us. We’re stopped. DI What do you mean? BOBBY We’re minors. DI Well, gracious--you didn’t have to tell them that. BOBBY No. They knew _I_ was. DI But, silly. Why didn’t you tell them you’re not. BOBBY But I am. DI For pity sakes--don’t you know how to do anything? BOBBY What would you have me do, I’d like to know? DI Why tell them we’re both--whatever it is they want us to be. We look it. We know we’re responsible--that’s all they care for. Well, you are a funny.... BOBBY You wanted me to lie? DI Oh! don’t make out you never told a fib. BOBBY Well, but this--why, Di--about a thing like this.... DI I never heard of a lover flatting out like that! BOBBY Anyhow, there’s nothing to do now. The cat’s out. I’ve told our ages. We’ve got to have our folks in on it. DI Is that all you can think of? BOBBY What else is there to think of? DI Why, let’s go to Bainbridge or Holt and tell them we’re of age and be married there. LULU Di, wherever you go I’ll go with you. I won’t let you out of my sight. DI Bobby, why don’t you answer her? BOBBY But I’m not going to Bainbridge or Holt or any town and lie, to get you or any other girl. DI You’re about as much like a man in a story as--as papa is. [_Enter DWIGHT and INA._] DWIGHT What’s this? What’s this about papa? INA Well, what’s all this going on here? LULU Why, Ina! DI Oh, mama! I--I didn’t know you were coming so soon. Hello, dear! Hello, papa! Here’s--here’s Bobby.... DWIGHT What an unexpected pleasure, _Master_ Bobby. BOBBY Good-evening, Mrs. Deacon. Good-evening, Mr. Deacon. DWIGHT And Lulu. Is it Lulu? Is this lovely houri our Lulu? Is this Miss Lulu Bett? Or is this Lulu something else by now? You can’t tell what Lulu’ll do when you leave her alone at home. Ina--our festive ball gown! LULU Ina, I made it out of that old muslin of yours, you know. I thought you wouldn’t care---- INA Oh, that! I was going to use it for Di but it doesn’t matter. You are welcome to it, Lulu. Little youthful for anything but home wear, isn’t it? DWIGHT It looks like a wedding gown. Why are you wearing a wedding gown--eh, Lulu? INA Di Deacon, what have you got mama’s new bag for? DI I haven’t done anything to the bag, mama. INA Well, but what are you doing with it here? DI Oh, nothing! Did you--did you have a good time? INA Yes, we did--but I can’t see.... Dwight, look at Di with my new black satchel. DWIGHT What is this, Diana? DI Well, I’m--I’m not going to use it for anything. INA I wish somebody would explain what is going on here. Lulu, can’t you explain? DWIGHT Aha! Now, if Lulu is going to explain that’s something like it. When Lulu begins to explain we get imagination going. LULU Di and I have a little secret. Can’t we have a little secret if we want one? DWIGHT Upon my word, she has a beautiful secret. I don’t know about your secrets, Lulu. [_Enter MRS. BETT._] MRS. BETT Hello, Inie. INA Oh, mother dear.... DWIGHT Well, Mother Bett.... MRS. BETT That you, Dwight? [_To BOBBY._] ... Don’t you help me. I guess I can help myself yet awhile. [_Climbs the two steps._] [_To DI._] Made up your mind to come home, did you? [_Seats herself._] I got a joke. Grandma Gates says it’s all over town they wouldn’t give Di and Bobby Larkin a license to get married. [_Single note of laughter, thin and high._] DWIGHT What nonsense! INA Is it nonsense? Haven’t I been trying to find out where the new black bag went? Di! Look at mama.... DI Listen to that, Bobby. Listen! INA That won’t do, Di. You can’t deceive mama, and don’t you try. BOBBY Mrs. Deacon, I---- DWIGHT Diana! DI Yes, papa. DWIGHT Answer your mother. Answer _me_. Is there anything in this absurd tale? DI No, papa. DWIGHT Nothing whatever? DI No, papa. DWIGHT Can you imagine how such a ridiculous story started? DI No, papa. DWIGHT Very well. Now we know where we are. If anybody hears this report repeated, send them to _me_. INA Well, but that satchel---- DWIGHT One moment. Lulu will of course verify what the child has said. LULU If you cannot settle this with Di, you cannot settle it with me. DWIGHT A shifty answer. You’re a bird at misrepresenting facts.... LULU Oh!... DWIGHT Lulu, the bird! LULU Lulu, the dove to put up with you. [_Exit._] INA Bobby wanted to say something.... BOBBY No, Mrs. Deacon. I have nothing--more to say. I’ll--I’ll go now. DWIGHT Good-night, Robert. [_INA and DWIGHT transfer bags and wraps to the house._] BOBBY Good-night, Mr. Deacon. Good-by, Di. [_DI follows BOBBY. Right._] DI Bobby, come back, you hate a lie--but what else could I do? BOBBY What else could you do? I’d rather they never let us see each other again than to lose you in the way I’ve lost you now. DI Bobby! BOBBY It’s true. We mustn’t talk about it. DI Bobby! I’ll go back and tell them all. BOBBY You can’t go back. Not out of a thing like that. Good-by, Di. [_Exit._] [_Enter DWIGHT and INA._] DI If you have any fear that I may elope with Bobby Larkin, let it rest. I shall never marry him if he asks me fifty times a day. INA Really, darling? DI Really and truly, and he knows it, too. DWIGHT A-ha! The lovelorn maiden all forlorn makes up her mind not to be so lorn as she thought she was. How does it seem not to be in love with him, Di--eh? DI Papa, if you make fun of me any more I’ll--I’ll let the first train of cars I can find run over me.... [_Sobs as she runs to house._] MRS. BETT Wait, darling! Tell grandma! Did Bobby have another wife too? [_Exeunt MRS. BETT and DI._] INA Di, I’d be ashamed, when papa’s so good to you. Oh, my! what parents have to put up with.... DWIGHT Bear and forbear, pettie--bear and forbear.... By the way, Lulu, haven’t I some mail somewhere about? LULU Yes, there’s a letter there. I’ll get it for you. [_She reaches through the window._] DWIGHT A-ha! An epistle from my dear brother Ninian. INA Oh, from Ninian, Dwight? DWIGHT From Ninian--the husband of Miss Lulu Bett.... You opened the letter?... Your sister has been opening my mail. INA But, Dwight, if it’s from Ninian---- DWIGHT It is my mail. INA Well, what does he say? DWIGHT I shall read the letter in my own time. My present concern is this disregard for my wishes. What excuse have you to offer? LULU None. INA Dwight, she knows what’s in it and we don’t. Hurry up. DWIGHT She is an ungrateful woman. [_Opens the letter, with the clipping._] INA [_Over his shoulder._] Ah!... Dwight, then he was.... DWIGHT M--m--m--m. So after having been absent with my brother for a month you find that you were not married to him. LULU You see, Dwight, he told the truth. He did have another wife. He didn’t just leave me. DWIGHT But this seems to me to make you considerably worse off than if he had. LULU Oh, no! No! If he hadn’t--hadn’t liked me, he wouldn’t have told me about her. You see that, don’t you? DWIGHT That your apology?... Look here, Lulu! This is a bad business. The less you say about it the better for all our sakes. You see that, don’t you? LULU See that? Why, no. I wanted you to write to him so I could tell the truth. You said I mustn’t tell the truth till I had the proofs. DWIGHT Tell whom? LULU Tell everybody. I want them to know. DWIGHT Then you care nothing for our feelings in this matter? LULU Your feelings? DWIGHT How this will reflect on us--it’s nothing to you that we have a brother who’s a bigamist? LULU But it’s me--it’s me. DWIGHT You! You’re completely out of it. You’ve nothing more to say about it whatever. Just let it be as it is ... drop it. That’s all I suggest. LULU I want people to know the truth. DWIGHT But it’s nobody’s business but our business ... for all our sakes let us drop this matter.... Now I tell you, Lulu--here are three of us. Our interests are the same in this thing--only Ninian is our relative and he’s nothing to you now. Is he? LULU Why---- DWIGHT Let’s have a vote. Your snap judgment is to tell this disgraceful fact broadcast. Mine is, least said soonest mended. What do you say, Ina? INA Oh, goodness--if we get mixed up in a scandal like this we’ll never get away from it. Why, I wouldn’t have people know of it for worlds. DWIGHT Exactly. Ina has stated it exactly. Lulu, I think you should be reconciled. INA My poor poor sister! Oh, Dwight! when I think of it--what have I done, what have _we_ done--that I should have a good kind loving husband--be so protected, so loved, when other women.... Darling! You _know_ how sorry I am--we all are---- LULU Then give me the only thing I’ve got--that’s my pride. My pride that he didn’t want to get rid of me. DWIGHT What about my pride? Do you think I want everybody to know that my brother did a thing like that? LULU You can’t help that. DWIGHT But I want you to help it. I want you to promise me that you won’t shame us like this before all our friends. LULU You want me to promise what? DWIGHT I want you--I ask you to promise me that you will keep this with us--a family secret. LULU No! No! I won’t do it! I won’t do it! I won’t do it! DWIGHT You refuse to do this small thing for us? LULU Can’t you understand anything? I’ve lived here all my life--on your money. I’ve not been strong enough to work they say--well, but I’ve been strong enough to be a hired girl in your house--and I’ve been glad to pay for my keep.... But there wasn’t a thing about it that I liked. Nothing about being here that I liked.... Well, then I got a little something, same as other folks. I thought I was married and I went off on the train and he bought me things and I saw different towns. And then it was all a mistake. I didn’t have any of it. I came back here and went into your kitchen again--I don’t know why I came back. I suppose it’s because I’m most thirty-four and new things ain’t so easy any more--but what have I got or what’ll I ever have? And now you want to put on to me having folks look at me and think he run off and left me and having them all wonder. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. I can’t.... DWIGHT You’d rather they’d know he fooled you when he had another wife? LULU Yes. Because he wanted me. How do I know--maybe he wanted me only just because he was lonesome, the way I was. I don’t care why. And I won’t have folks think he went and left me. DWIGHT That is wicked vanity. LULU That’s the truth. Well, why can’t they know the truth? DWIGHT And bring disgrace on us all? LULU It’s me--It’s me---- DWIGHT You--you--you--you’re always thinking of yourself. LULU Who else thinks of me. And who do you think of--who do you think of, Dwight? I’ll tell you that, because I know you better than any one else in the world knows you--better even than Ina. And I know that you’d sacrifice Ina, Di, mother, Monona, Ninian--everybody, just to your own idea of who you are. You’re one of the men who can smother a whole family and not even know you’re doing it. DWIGHT You listen to me. It’s Ninian I’m thinking about. LULU Ninian.... DWIGHT Yes, yes ... Ninian!... Of course if you don’t care what happens to him, it doesn’t matter. LULU What do you mean? DWIGHT If you don’t love him any more.... LULU You know I love him. I’ll always love him. DWIGHT That’s likely. A woman doesn’t send the man she loves to prison. LULU I send him to prison! Why, he’s brought me the only happiness I’ve ever had.... DWIGHT But prison is just where he’ll go and you’ll be the one to send him there. LULU Oh! That couldn’t be.... That couldn’t be.... DWIGHT Don’t you realize that bigamy is a crime? If you tell this thing he’ll go to prison ... nothing can save him. LULU I never thought of that.... DWIGHT It’s time you did think. Now will you promise to keep this with us, a family secret? LULU Yes. I promise. DWIGHT You will?... LULU Yes ... I will. DWIGHT A ... h. You’ll be happy some day to think you’ve done this for us, Lulu. LULU I s’pose so.... INA This makes up for everything. My sweet self-sacrificing sister! LULU Oh, stop that! INA Oh, the pity of it ... the pity of it!... LULU Don’t you go around pitying me! I’ll have you know I’m glad the whole thing happened. CURTAIN ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACT III THE SAME. _Discover MRS. BETT, tidying the porch and singing. It is the following morning._ [_Enter LULU with bag._] MRS. BETT Where you going now, for pity sakes? LULU Mother. Now, mother darling, listen and try to understand. MRS. BETT Well, I am listening, Lulie. LULU Mother, I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here any longer. I’ve got to get clear away from Dwight and Ina. MRS. BETT You want to live somewhere else, Lulie? LULU I can’t live here and have people think Ninian left me. I can’t tell the truth and bring disgrace on Ninian. And I can’t stay here in Dwight’s kitchen a day longer. Oh, mother! I wish you could see---- MRS. BETT Why, Lulie, I do see that. LULU You do, mother? MRS. BETT I’ve often wondered why you didn’t go before. LULU Oh, mother, you dear---- MRS. BETT You needn’t think because I’m old I don’t know a thing or two. LULU You want me to go? MRS. BETT It’s all I can do for you now, Lulie. Just to want you to go. I’m old and I’m weak and I can’t keep care of you like when you was little. LULU Oh, mother, I’m so glad! MRS. BETT I ain’t exactly glad---- LULU Dearest, I mean I was so afraid you wouldn’t understand---- MRS. BETT Why wouldn’t I understand, I’d like to know? You speak like I didn’t have a brain in my skull. LULU No, dear, but---- MRS. BETT You mind me, Lulie, and go on. Go on.... Say, scat’s sake, you can’t go. You ain’t got any money. LULU Yes, mother, I have. I’ve got twelve dollars. MRS. BETT And I ain’t got much. Only enough to bury me nice. LULU Don’t you worry, mother. I’ll be all right. I’ll get work. MRS. BETT Mother wants to help you. Here, Lulie, you take my funeral fifty. Joke on Dwight to make him bury me. LULU Oh, no, mother, I couldn’t. MRS. BETT You mind me, Lulie. Do as mother tells you. LULU Mother, dearest! Oh, I wish I could take you with me! MRS. BETT You needn’t to worry about me. If I get lonesome I can give Dwight the dickens. LULU Good-by--dear--good-by. I’ll go the back way, they won’t see me. [_LULU kisses her and turns away. Left._] MRS. BETT Lulie. Mother loves you. You know that, don’t you? LULU Dearest, yes--yes, I do know. [_She goes. MRS. BETT trembles, turns, sees her dustcloth, goes on working and begins to hum._] [_Enter DWIGHT._] DWIGHT Ready for breakfast, Mama Bett? MRS. BETT No, I ain’t ready. DWIGHT Neither is the breakfast. Lulu must be having the tantrim. MRS. BETT I s’pose you think that’s funny. DWIGHT Lulu ought to think of you--old folks ought to have regular meals---- MRS. BETT Old? Old? Me, old? DWIGHT Well, you’re hungry. That’s what makes you so cross, Mama Bett. MRS. BETT All you think of is food, anyhow. DWIGHT Who has a better right? Who provides the food we eat? MRS. BETT That’s all you’re good for. DWIGHT Well, I may not amount to much in this old world of ours but I flatter myself I’m a good provider. MRS. BETT If I was going to brag I’d brag original. DWIGHT You mustn’t talk like that. You know you’re my best girl. MRS. BETT Don’t you best-girl me. DWIGHT There, there, there.... MRS. BETT Now look at you. Walking all over me like I wasn’t here--like I wasn’t nowhere. DWIGHT Now, Mama Bett, you’re havin’ the tantrim. MRS. BETT Am I? All right then I am. What you going to do about it? How you going to stop me? DWIGHT Now, now, now, now.... [_Enter INA._] INA Dwight, I can’t think what’s happened to Lulu. Breakfast isn’t even started. DWIGHT Lulu must be having a rendezvous. [_Grandma snorts._] INA That’s randevoo, Dwightie. Not rendezvous. DWIGHT You two are pretty particular, seems to me. MRS. BETT Oh, no! We ain’t used to the best. [_DI is at the door._] DI Hello, family! What’s the matter with breakfast? MRS. BETT There ain’t any. INA Di, let’s you and I get breakfast just to show Aunt Lulu that we can. MRS. BETT Say if you two are going to get breakfast, I’ll go over to Grandma Gates for a snack. [_Enter MONONA._] MONONA What do you s’pose? Aunt Lulu’s trunk is locked and strapped in her room. INA Monona, stop imagining things. MONONA Well, it is. And I saw her going down the walk with her satchel when I was washing me. DWIGHT Lulu must be completely out of her mind. MRS. BETT First time I’ve known her to show good sense in years. INA Why, mama! DWIGHT Mother Bett, do you know where Lulu is? MRS. BETT Mother knows a-plenty. INA Mama, what do you mean? MRS. BETT I know all about Lulie being gone. She went this morning. I told her to go. INA Why, mama! How can you talk so! When Dwight has been so good to you and Lulu.... MRS. BETT Good, yes, he’s give us a pillow and a baked potato---- DWIGHT So! You and Lulu presume to upset the arrangement of my household without one word to me. MRS. BETT Upset, upset--You cockroach!... INA Monona! Stop listening. Now run away and play. Di, you go and begin breakfast. DI Yes, mummy. MONONA Aw, let me stay. INA [_Exeunt DI and MONONA._] Go at once, children. Mother, you ought not to use such language before young people. MRS. BETT Don’t you think they’re fooled. What do you suppose Di was going to run away with Bobby Larkin for, only to get away from you. DWIGHT Mother Bett! MRS. BETT What do you suppose Lulu married Ninian for--only to get shed of both of you. INA Oh please, please, somebody think a little bit of me. Dwight, do go after Lulu--go to the depot--she couldn’t get away before the 8:37. DWIGHT My dear Ina, my dignity---- INA Oh, please do go! DWIGHT Oh, my heavens! what a house full of women---- INA Dwight, we can’t get along without Lulu. DWIGHT Upsetting things about my ears.... [_Exit._] INA Mama, I do think it’s too bad of you--oh! now I’ll try to get some breakfast. [_Exit._] MRS. BETT Going to try to, he-e! [_Enter MONONA._] MONONA Oh, grandma isn’t it fun with so much going on! MRS. BETT What’s that, you little ape? MONONA Oh, I just love it! Everybody makes such funny faces. MRS. BETT Some people are born with funny faces. Monona, ain’t you ever going to grow up? MONONA Grandma, I am grown up. MRS. BETT You don’t act like it. MONONA Well, grown folks don’t neither. MRS. BETT Sh-hh-hhh, stop talking back to me. MONONA Everybody shushes me. If I don’t talk, how’ll they know I’m there? MRS. BETT I guess they could bear up if they didn’t know you was there. MONONA I’d better get in, or I’ll catch it. [_MONONA sings a silly song._] MRS. BETT [_Rocking in rhythm with the song._] Scot’s sake, what am I doing! Them wicked words. [_Enter DI._] DI Monona, mama wants you. MONONA I’d better go or I’ll catch it. I’ll catch it anyway---- [_Exit._] [_Enter NINIAN._] DI Uncle Ninian! Well it’s just about time you showed up. NINIAN You’re right, Di. But I came as soon as I could. DI You might as well know. I think you’re a perfect slunge. MRS. BETT Land sakes! NINIAN Mrs. Bett. MRS. BETT Don’t you come near me! Don’t you speak to me! You whited centipede! NINIAN That’s what I expected and that’s what I deserve. MRS. BETT Move on! Move on! NINIAN Let me tell you something first, Mother Bett. MRS. BETT Don’t you “mother” me. NINIAN Yes, that’s just what I mean, _Mother_ Bett. I’ve found that the woman I married died in Rio years ago. Here’s a letter from the consul. MRS. BETT Dead? Ain’t that nice! But what ailed you all the time? A man with any get-up-and-get would have known that all along. NINIAN I’m not excusing myself any, Mother Bett. MRS. BETT Well, perhaps you’re as good as you know how to be. Anyway, your mother’s responsible for a good deal without counting you. NINIAN Mother Bett, where is Lulu? MRS. BETT Who, Lulie? Oh, she’s run away. NINIAN What do you say? MRS. BETT She’s gone off on the train this morning. I told her to go. NINIAN Mother Bett, Mother Bett--where has she gone? MRS. BETT Gone to call her soul her own, I guess. NINIAN But Mother Bett, where did Lulu go? MRS. BETT She might be at the depot. NINIAN Can I catch her? MRS. BETT You can catch her if ye can run in them white--mittens. NINIAN Run? Watch me. [_Exit running._] DI Oh! Grandma, isn’t it just too romantic? MRS. BETT What do you mean--rheumatic? [_Enter MONONA._] MONONA Breakfast’s ready, grandma. MRS. BETT Breakfast! I wouldn’t know coffee from flapjacks. MONONA I’ve been catching it all morning and I didn’t do a thing. MRS. BETT What’s that, little ape? MONONA Grandma, honestly, do you see why because Aunt Lulu ran away the whole family should pick on me? MRS. BETT Come here, you poor neglected child! MONONA Mama’s getting breakfast and she’s burned all over and she’s so cross--m-m-m. Why here she comes now! MRS. BETT Who? DI Aunt Lulu! [_Enter LULU._] LULU Mother---- MONONA Oh, goody--now they’ll pick on you instead of me. MRS. BETT [_Softly._] Monona! You run down the road as tight as you can and catch your Uncle Ninian quick--Sh-sh-sh---- MONONA Uncle Ninian! Oh--oh! [_Exit._] LULU Mother--what do you think I’ve heard? MRS. BETT Land knows! my head’s whirlin’. Who found you? LULU Found me? MRS. BETT I can count up to ’leven in this house that’s went after you or went after them that went after them--Oh land!... LULU Mother, the station agent said to me just now when I went to buy my ticket, he said, “You just missed your husband. He went hurrying up the street.” I couldn’t go till I knew. DI Why, Aunt Lulu, haven’t you heard---- MRS. BETT Sh-h-h-h-- Leave it burst. [_Enter DWIGHT._] DWIGHT So ... after making me traipse all over town for you and before breakfast.... What is the meaning of this, Lulu? Answer me. MRS. BETT Sit down, Dwight. Take off your hat why don’t you? [_Enter INA._] INA Forevermore. LULU Were you looking for me, Dwight? DWIGHT What about our breakfast, may I ask? LULU Haven’t you had your breakfast, Dwight? I had mine in the bakery. MRS. BETT In the bakery! On expense! INA Lulu, where have you been? LULU How good of you to miss me! INA Lulu, you don’t act like yourself. LULU That’s the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, Georgia. “So good of you to miss me.” DWIGHT Lulu, let’s have no more of this nonsense.... LULU Whose nonsense, Dwight? I’ve left your home for good and all. I’m going somewhere else to work. INA Why, Lulu, what will people think of Dwight and me if we let you do that? DWIGHT So you thought better of the promise you made to us last evening not to tell our affairs broadcast. LULU Your affairs? No, Dwight, you can tell them anything you like when I’m gone. INA How am I ever going to keep house without you? Dwight, you’ve simply got to make her stay. When I think of what I went through while she was away ... everything boils over, and what I don’t expect to b-b-boil b-b-burns. Sister, how can you be so cruel when Dwight and I---- DWIGHT Patience, patience, pettie.... Lulu, I ask you to stay here where you belong. LULU No, Dwight, I’m through. DWIGHT So, sister mine, have you found some other man willing to run away with you? LULU That will do, Dwight. You’ve pretended so long you can’t be honest with yourself, any of the time. Your whole life is a lie. MRS. BETT Save your breath, Lulie. [_Enter MONONA with NINIAN._] DWIGHT At least, Miss Lulu Bett, neither Ina nor I ever had to lie about our marriage. MONONA Here he is, grandma. LULU Oh.... NINIAN What’s that you’re saying, Dwight? INA Forevermore! LULU Ninian.... NINIAN Lulu.... So I didn’t miss you. DWIGHT Ha! ha!... The happy bridegroom comes at last. What’s the meaning of this, Ninian? NINIAN I’ll bet he’s made life beautiful for you since you got back. Anything more to say, Dwight? DWIGHT Yes, Lulu was planning to run away.... I was telling her she’d better stay here at home where she’d have us to stand by her. NINIAN Yes, I’ve heard how you stood by her. You’re a magnificent protector, you are! DWIGHT Look here, Nin, don’t you feel that you have to sacrifice yourself. Lulu is well enough off here. INA She was quite happy until you came, Ninian. NINIAN You hypocrites! MRS. BETT Hypocrites! He-e! INA Children, stop listening to older people. DI Oh, mama!... MONONA [_Crying._] Oh.... Let me stay! INA Children!... [_Exeunt DI and MONONA._] Ninian, how can you say such things to us! NINIAN Lulu has suffered as much from you as she has from me. MRS. BETT That’s right, Ninian. Plain talk won’t hurt nobody around here. NINIAN Lulu, can you forgive me? LULU But Cora Waters ... what of her? DWIGHT Yes, what about your other wife? NINIAN I haven’t any other wife--just Lulu. MRS. BETT Cora Waters is dead. I knew it all along. LULU Ninian, is it true? NINIAN Yes, it’s true. MRS. BETT He’s confided in his mother. He told me all about it. NINIAN Will you come back to me, Lulu? MRS. BETT Better take him, Lulie. You can have that fifty to furnish up the parlor. LULU Oh, mother! I wish we could have you with us. NINIAN Do you forgive me? LULU I forgave you in Savannah, Georgia. CURTAIN ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACT III [_As originally produced December 27, 1920._] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACT III THE PIANO STORE: _Empty, bare, three or four upright pianos with bright plush spreads and plush-covered stools. Back, a dark green sateen curtain. It is the following morning._ [_Discover CORNISH at a little table, on which is opened a large black book._] [_Enter MONONA, carrying basket of parcels._] MONONA Oh, Mr. Cornish.... CORNISH Hello, there, Monona! How’s everything? MONONA Everything’s perfectly awful up to our house. CORNISH Miss Lulu’s all right, I hope? MONONA Aunt Lulu is---- CORNISH There! I knew it. I know this thing was going to wind up in a fit of sickness---- MONONA Sick.... No. She’s gone. CORNISH Gone! Miss Lulu gone? MONONA Run away. CORNISH Oh, with who? MONONA Nobody, I guess. She skipped out of the house early this morning. It was me saw her going down the walk with her bag. It was me told everybody. It was me found her trunk packed and locked in her room. That’s all. CORNISH This is terrible, terrible--and your people not home yet? MONONA I should say they are. Came last night. CORNISH But what are they doing to find her? MONONA Papa said he wouldn’t do a thing. Mamma’s been getting breakfast and she’s burned all over, and she’s so cross--m-m! CORNISH Yes, but aren’t they trying to find Lulu--your Aunt Lulu---- MONONA Grandma says she knows she’s dead. Probably she’s drowned in the river and they’ll get her out with her hair all stringy---- CORNISH See here. I think I’ll come up to your house. I’ll put a little notice on my door---- MONONA I better go now. I’ll catch it anyhow. I’ve been catching it all the morning and I didn’t do a thing. Mr. Cornish, honestly, do you see why, because Aunt Lulu ran away, the whole family should pick on me? CORNISH Well, we must all help as much as we can, Monona---- MONONA Up to our house, honestly, you’d think I was the one that had done it. And I may! [_Exit, running._] CORNISH I’ll be right there, as soon as I can lock up. [_He disappears behind the green curtain. Pause._] [_Enter LULU._] LULU Mr. Cornish. Mr. Cornish. [_CORNISH appears._] CORNISH Well! LULU Well! CORNISH You’re out early. LULU Oh, no! CORNISH My, but I’m glad to see you. Won’t you sit down? LULU I can only stay a minute. Wasn’t that Monona just went out of here? CORNISH Yes, that was Monona. LULU Did she say anything about me? CORNISH She--she said you’d run away. She--she must have been mistaken. LULU No, she wasn’t. I have. CORNISH Why, Miss Lulu! LULU Or I’m going on the 10:10. My bag’s in the bakery. I had my breakfast in the bakery.... I’ve left them for good. CORNISH Then I suppose he cut up like a hyena over that letter being opened. LULU Oh, he forgave me that. CORNISH Forgave you! LULU Overlooked it, rather. CORNISH Anyway he’s convinced now about that other Mrs. Ninian Deacon? LULU Yes, but you mustn’t say anything about that, please, ever. CORNISH Even now? Well, I’ll be jumped up. _Even now?_ Then--I guess I see why you’re going. LULU It isn’t only that. I’m going ... I’m _going_! CORNISH I see. Would--would you tell me where? LULU Maybe. After a while. CORNISH I do want you to. Because I--I think you’re a brick. LULU Oh, no! CORNISH Yes, you are. By George! you don’t find very many _married_ women with as good sense as you’ve got. That is, I mean---- LULU All right. I know. Thank you. CORNISH You’ve been a jewel in their home--I know that. They’re going to miss you no end. LULU They’ll miss my cooking. CORNISH They’ll miss more than that. I’ve watched you there.... LULU You have? CORNISH You made the whole place go. LULU You don’t mean just the cooking? CORNISH No. LULU I never had but one compliment before that wasn’t for my cooking. He told me I done up my hair nice.... That was after I took notice how the ladies in Savannah, Georgia, done up theirs. CORNISH Well, well, well!... LULU I must go now. I wanted to say good-by to you.... CORNISH I hate to have you go. I--I hate to have you go. LULU Oh, well! CORNISH Look here, I wish--I wish you weren’t going. LULU Do you? Good-by. CORNISH Can’t I come to the depot with you? LULU You can’t leave the store alone. CORNISH Yes. I’ll put a little notice on the door.... LULU No. That would be bad for the business. Good-by. CORNISH Good-by, Miss Lulu! Good-by, good-by, good-by!... LULU There’s something else. I’m going to tell you--I don’t care what Dwight says. [_Takes letter from her handbag._] As long as I told you the other part, I’m going to tell you this. CORNISH I want to know everything you’ll let me know. LULU See--at the office this morning was this. It’s from Ninian. CORNISH Well, I should think he’d better write. LULU Nobody must know. It was bad enough for the family before, but now ... here it is: “... just want you to know you’re actually rid of me. I’ve heard from her, in Brazil. She ran out of money and thought of me, and her lawyer wrote to me....” ... he incloses the lawyer’s letter. “I’ve never been any good--Dwight would tell you that if his pride would let him tell the truth once in a while. But there isn’t anything in my life makes me feel as bad as this....” ... well, that part doesn’t matter. But you see. He didn’t lie to get rid of me--and she was alive just as he thought she might be! CORNISH And you’re free now. LULU That’s so--I am. I hadn’t thought of that.... It’s late. Now I’m really going. Good-by. CORNISH Don’t say good-by. LULU It’s nearly train time. CORNISH Don’t you go.... Do you think you could possibly stay here with me? LULU Oh!... CORNISH I haven’t got anything. I guess maybe you’ve heard something about a little something I’m supposed to inherit. Well, it’s only five hundred dollars.... That little Warden house--it don’t cost much--you’d be surprised. Rent, I mean. I can get it now. I went and looked at it the other day but then I didn’t think ... well, I mean, it don’t cost near as much as this store. We could furnish up the parlor with pianos ... that is, if you could ever think of such a thing as marrying me. LULU But--you _know_! Why, don’t the disgrace---- CORNISH What disgrace? LULU Oh, you--you---- CORNISH There’s only this about that. Of course, if you loved him very much then I ought not to be talking this way to you. But I didn’t think---- LULU You didn’t think what? CORNISH That you did care so very much about him. I don’t know why. LULU I wanted somebody of my own. That’s the reason I done what I done. I know that now. CORNISH I figured that way.... Look here, I ought to tell you. I’m--I’m awful lonesome myself. This is no place to live. Look--look here. [_He draws the green curtain, revealing the mean little cot and washstand._] I guess living so is one reason why I want to get married. I want some kind of a home. LULU Of course. CORNISH I ain’t never lived what you might say private. LULU I’ve lived too private. [_Pause._] CORNISH Then there’s another thing. I--I don’t believe I’m ever going to be able to do anything with the law. LULU I don’t see how anybody does. CORNISH And I’m not much good in a business way. Sometimes I think that I may never be able to make any money. LULU Lots of men don’t. CORNISH Well, there it is. I’m no good at business. I’ll never be a lawyer. And--and everything I say sounds wrong to me. And yet I do believe that I’d know enough not to bully a woman. Not to make her unhappy. Maybe--even, I could make her a little happy. LULU Lots of men do. [_Voices._] [_Enter INA, DWIGHT and MRS. BETT._] INA Oh, Dwight! she’s still here. DWIGHT So this is where we find our Lulu! LULU Did you want me, Dwight? INA Want you? Why, Lulu! are you crazy? Of course we want you. Why aren’t you home? [_Nursing her wrist, which is bandaged, with the other hand, which is bandaged, too._] MRS. BETT Lulie, Lulie, we thought you’d gone off again. LULU Mother, darling.... DWIGHT Here am I kept home from the office, trying my best to take your place. You’re a most important personage, Miss Lulu Bett. LULU What did you want of me? INA Want of you? Why, my goodness.... DWIGHT If you had tasted bacon fried as the bacon was fried which I have tasted this day---- INA Oh, Dwight, that’s not funny! DWIGHT No. And the muffins were not funny either. Yes they were! LULU How good of you to miss me! INA Lulu, you don’t act like yourself. LULU That was the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, Georgia. “So good of you to miss me.” DWIGHT Lulu, what does this mean? No more of this nonsense. LULU Whose nonsense, Dwight? DWIGHT We know that your trunk is locked and strapped in your room and you were seen going down the street with a bag. You have flown here, presumably to discuss your situation with an outsider. Is this fair to us? LULU What do you want me to do, Dwight? INA Do? Why, we want you to come home. LULU Home! DWIGHT Also to explain your amazing behavior. CORNISH May I do that, Miss Lulu? LULU No--no thank you. I think I’d like to speak for myself. Dwight, I’ve left your home for good and all. INA Sister.... MRS. BETT Lulie ... Lulie!... DWIGHT Ah-ha! You have thought better of the promise you made to Ina and me last evening not to tell our affairs broadcast. LULU I’ve thought no better of it--and no worse. I couldn’t. But I’ve been thinking of something else. Of you, Dwight. DWIGHT Ah--I’m flattered. LULU ... Let it go at that.... In any case, I’ve left your home. INA But where are you going? LULU I meant to go somewhere else and work. INA Go somewhere else and work. Cook? Lulu, have you no consideration for Dwight and me at all? What would people think if we let you do that.... DWIGHT Patience, patience, pettie. Let’s have no more of this, Lulu. I imagine you’re not quite well. Come home with us, now, there’s a good girl. LULU No, Dwight. INA Lulu, I simply can’t keep house without you. When I think of going through with what I went through this summer while you were away.... Everything b-boils over and what I don’t expect to b-boil b-burns.... [_Sobs._] Dwightie, you’ve got to make her stay. DWIGHT Pettie--control yourself.... Lulu, I ask you, I implore you, to come back home with us. CORNISH Miss Lulu.... LULU Yes? CORNISH May I tell them? LULU What is there to tell them? CORNISH I think Miss Lulu and I are going to--arrange. LULU O but not yet--not yet. DWIGHT What--you? You and Cornish? I should think not. How can you? LULU Cora Waters is alive. Ninian’s heard from her. There’s her lawyer’s letter. INA Forevermore! MRS. BETT What you talking--what you talking. I want to know but I ain’t got something in my head.... Lulie, you ain’t going to get married again, are you--after waiting so long? DWIGHT Don’t be disturbed, Mother Bett. She wasn’t married that first time. No marriage about it. INA Dwight! If Lulu marries Mr. Cornish, then everybody’ll have to know about Ninian and his other wife. LULU That’s so. You would have to tell, wouldn’t you? I never thought of that. Well--you can get used to the idea while I’m gone. DWIGHT Gone? INA Gone where? MRS. BETT Where you goin’ now, for pity sakes? LULU Away. I thought I wanted somebody of my own. Well, maybe it was just myself. DWIGHT What ridiculous talk is this? CORNISH Lulu--couldn’t you stay with me---- LULU Sometime, maybe. I don’t know. But first I want to see out of my own eyes. For the first time in my life. Good-by, mother. MRS. BETT Lulie, Lulie.... LULU [_At the door._] Good-by. Good-by, all of you. I’m going I don’t know where--to work at I don’t know what. But I’m going from choice! [_Exit._] [_CORNISH follows her._] MRS. BETT Who’s going to do your work now, I’d like to know? CURTAIN ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Transcriber’s Notes This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. New original cover art included with this ebook is granted to the public domain. The printed text is somewhat inconsistent in how it indents lines of stage directions other than the first line; in this text, all stage directions (other than initial scene descriptions) are indented after the first line. The following changes and corrections have been made: • p. xvii: Replaced “Louis” with “Louise” in name “Louise Closser Hale.” • p. 45: Replaced “wont” with “won’t” in phrase “Oh, maybe Ina won’t go.” • p. 51: Added closing bracket to stage direction “Exit NINIAN.” • p. 63: Added closing bracket to stage direction after phrase “one note of laughter, thin and high.” • p. 85: Replaced “hadn’” with “hadn’t” in phrase “I hadn’t been a good wife to Ninian.” • p. 158: Added period after phrase “Lulu, you don’t act like yourself.” • p. 159: Replaced “your” with “you’re” in phrase “What’s that you’re saying, Dwight?” *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77922 ***