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Title: Malignant Self Love

Author: Sam Vaknin

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                                 Malignant
   
                                 Self Love
   
                            Narcissism Revisited
   
                                1^st EDITION
   
                           2^nd Revised Printing
   
                             Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
   
              The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional.
   
             The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.
   
                            Editing and Design:
   
                             Lidija Rangelovska
   
                    Narcissus Publications, Prague 2001
   
    1999, 2001 Copyright Lidija Rangelovska
   
   All rights reserved. This book, or any part thereof, may not be used
   or reproduced in any manner without written permission from:
   
   Lidija Rangelovska - write to:
   
   [11]palma@unet.com.mk or to
   
   [12]samvak@visto.com
   
   All rights for this book are for sale.
   
   Literary agents and publishers, please contact Lidija Rangelovska.
   
   To get FREE updates of this book JOIN the Narcissistic Abuse Study
   List.
   
   To JOIN, visit our web site:
   
   [13]http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/narclist.html or
   
   [14]http://samvak.tripod.com/narclist.html or
   
   [15]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse
   
   Visit the Author's web sites:
   
   [16]http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/index.html
   
   [17]http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq1.html
   
   [18]http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/archive01.html
   
   [19]http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/thebook.html
   
   ISBN: 80-238-3384-7
   
   Printed by:
   
   BATO & DIVAJN Corporation, Graphic Center, Skopje
   
   REPUBLIC OF MACEDONIA
   
                                C O N T E N T S
                                       
  Foreword
  
  Introduction
  
  The Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  
  Frequently Asked Questions
  
    Narcissism - The Disorder
    
   FAQ # 1:     An Overview of the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 2:     Self-Love and Narcissism
   
   FAQ # 3:     Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviours
   
   FAQ # 4:        Grandiose Fantasies
   
   FAQ # 5:        Depression and the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 6:        Narcissistic Rage
   
   FAQ # 7:        Gender and the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 8:        Homosexual Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 9:        Addiction to Fame and Celebrity
   
   FAQ # 10:   The Narcissist's Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply
   
   FAQ # 11:   The Compulsive Acts of the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 12:   The Unstable Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 13:   Do Narcissists Have Emotions?
   
   FAQ # 14:   The Inappropriate Affect
   
   FAQ # 15:   The Narcissist as a Sadist
   
   FAQ # 16:        Multiple Grandiosity
   
   FAQ # 17:   False Modesty
   
   FAQ # 18:        Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content
   
   FAQ # 19:        Narcissistic Signal, Stimulus and Hibernation
   Mini-Cycles
   
   FAQ # 20:   The Narcissistic Pendulum and the Pathological
   Narcissistic Space
   
   FAQ # 21:   The Inanimate as a Source of Narcissistic Supply
   (Narcissistic Branding and Narcissistic Contagion)
   
   FAQ # 22:   The Dual Role of the False Self
   
   FAQ # 23:   The Stripped Ego
   
   FAQ # 24:   The Split-off Ego
   
   FAQ # 25:   The Serious Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 26:        Narcissists, Disagreements and Criticism
   
   FAQ # 27:        Narcissistic Humiliation
   
   FAQ # 28:   The Midlife Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 29:   The Narcissist and Introspection
   
   FAQ # 30:        Getting Better
   
   FAQ # 31:   Can a Narcissist Help Himself?
   
   FAQ # 32:        Reconditioning the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 33:        Treatment Modalities and Therapies
   
   FAQ # 34:        Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists
   
   FAQ # 35:   The Development of the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 36:   The Narcissist's Mother
   
   FAQ # 37:   The Inverted Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 38:        Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids
   
   FAQ # 39:        Narcissists and Chemical Imbalances
   
   FAQ # 40:        Myths about Narcissism
   
   FAQ # 41:        Narcissism - The Psychopathological Default
   
   FAQ # 42:        Narcissism with Other Mental Health Disorders
   
   (Co-Morbidity and Dual Diagnosis)
   
   FAQ # 43:        Eating Disorders and the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 44:   Can the Narcissist have a Meaningful Life?
   
   FAQ # 45:   A Case Study
   
   FAQ # 46:   The Narcissist's Reactions to this Text
   
    Narcissism and Society
    
   FAQ # 47:   A Dream Interpreted
   
   FAQ # 48:   How to Recognise a Narcissist?
   
   FAQ # 49:        Interacting with a Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 50:        Exploitation by a Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 51:   The Narcissist's Victims
   
   FAQ # 52:        Narcissism by Proxy
   
   FAQ # 53:        Narcissists in Positions of Authority
   
   FAQ # 54:   The Narcissist and Social Institutions
   
   FAQ # 55:   The Narcissist in Court
   
   FAQ # 56:   The Narcissist in a Workplace
   
   FAQ # 57:        Responsibility and Other Matters
   
   FAQ # 58:   The Accountable Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 59:   Crime and Punishment: The Never Repenting Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 60:   Is the Narcissist Ever Sorry?
   
   FAQ # 61:   A Letter about Trust
   
   FAQ # 62:   The Guilt of Others
   
   FAQ # 63:        Narcissistic Confinement
   
   FAQ # 64:        Narcissistic Allocation
   
   FAQ # 65:        Narcissistic Immunity
   
   FAQ # 66:        Narcissists, Love and Healing
   
   FAQ # 67:        Vindictive Narcissists
   
   FAQ # 68:        Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of
   Supply
   
    Narcissists and Family
    
   FAQ # 69:   How to Cope with a Narcissist?
   
   FAQ # 70:        Narcissists and Women
   
   FAQ # 71:   The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 72:        Investing in a Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 73:   The Double Reflection - Narcissistic Couples and
   Narcissistic Types
   
   FAQ # 74:        Narcissistic Parents
   
   FAQ # 75:   The Narcissist and His Family
   
   FAQ # 76:        Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity
   
   FAQ # 77:   The Extra-Marital Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 78:        Mourning the Narcissist
   
   FAQ # 79:         Surviving the Narcissist 
   
   FAQ # 80:   The Dead Parents
   
  The Essay
  
   Introduction:  The Soul of a Narcissist - The State of the Art
   
   Chapter One:  Being Special
   
   Chapter Two:  Uniqueness and Intimacy
   
   Chapter Three:  The Workings of a Narcissist - A Phenomenology
   
   Chapter Four:  The Tortured Self - The Inner World of the Narcissist
   
   Chapter Five:  The Concept of Narcissistic Supply
   
   Chapter Six:  The Concepts of Narcissistic Accumulation and
   Narcissistic Regulation
   
   Chapter Seven:  The Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures
   
   Chapter Eight:  Loss of Control of Grandiosity
   
  The Author
  
                                 Malignant
   
                                 Self Love
   
                            Narcissism Revisited
   
                   The Narcissistic Personality Disorder
   
                            A Primer on Narcissism
                                       
  Narcissism (n. sing.)
  
   A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and
   obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the
   egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and
   ambition.
   
   Narcissism is named after the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus who was
   a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the
   nymph Echo. In punishment of his cruelty, he was doomed to fall in
   love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate
   his love, he pined away and changed into the flower that bears his
   name to this very day.
   
  What is NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?
  
   The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been recognised as a
   separate mental health disorder in the third edition of the Diagnostic
   and Statistics Manual (DSM) in 1980. Its diagnostic criteria and their
   interpretation have undergone a major revision in the DSM-III-R [1987]
   and were substantially revamped in the DSM-IV in 1994. The European
   ICD-10 basically contains identical language.
   
   An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour),
   need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually
   beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or
   more) of the following criteria must be met:
   
   o Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements
   and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as
   superior without commensurate achievements);
   
   o Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome
   power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist),
   bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or
   ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
   
   o Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can
   only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with,
   other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
   
   o Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation
   - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious
   (Narcissistic Supply);
   
   o Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable
   priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or
   her expectations;
   
   o Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his
   or her own ends;
   
   o Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or
   acknowledge the feelings and needs of others;
   
   o Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same
   about him or her;
   
   o Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when
   frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
   
   The language in the criteria above is based on or summarised from:
   
   American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
   Mental Disorders: DSM-IV. 4th ed. Washington [1994]
   
   Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited. Revised ed.
   Prague and Skopje, Narcissus Publications [1999, 2001]
   
  More Data About Pathological Narcissists
  
   o Most narcissists (75%) are men.
   
   o NPD (=the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is one of a "family" of
   personality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B"). Other members:
   Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
   
   o NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders
   ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless
   behaviours ("dual diagnosis").
   
   o NPD is new [1980] mental health category in the Diagnostic and
   Statistics Manual (DSM).
   
   o There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is
   has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic,
   or professional predilection to NPD.
   
   o It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from
   NPD.
   
   o Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud.
   Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon,
   Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
   
   o The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early
   adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma
   inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
   
   o There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild,
   reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
   
   o Narcissists are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply
   from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "somatic"
   (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise,
   physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").
   
   o Narcissists are either "classic" - see definition below - or they
   are "compensatory", or "inverted" - see definitions in FAQ 37: The
   Inverted Narcissist.
   
   o NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or
   cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor,
   though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with
   treatment. Medication is applied to side effects and behaviours (such
   as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with
   some success.
   
                                 Bibliography
                                       
   1.  Alford, C. Fred. Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and
   Psychoanalytic Theory. New Haven and London, Yale University Press,
   1988
   
   2.  Devereux, George. Basic Problems of Ethno-Psychiatry. University
   of Chicago Press, 1980
   
   3.  Fairbairn, W. R. D. An Object Relations Theory of the Personality.
   New York, Basic Books, 1954
   
   4.  Freud S. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality [1905]. Standard
   Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud. Vol. 7.
   London, Hogarth Press, 1964
   
   5.  Freud, S. On Narcissism. Standard Ed. Vol. 14, pp. 73-107
   
   6.  Goldman, Howard H. (Ed.). Review of General Psychiatry. 4th Ed.
   London, Prentice Hall International, 1995
   
   7.  Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists
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   8.  Greenberg, Jay R. and Mitchell, Stephen A. Object Relations in
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   9.  Grunberger, Bela. Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays. New York,
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   10. Guntrip, Harry. Personality Structure and Human Interaction. New
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   11. Horowitz M. J. Sliding Meanings: A Defence against Threat in
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   12. Horovitz M. J. Stress Response Syndromes: PTSD, Grief and
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   16. Klein, Melanie. The Writings of Melanie Klein. Roger Money-Kyrle
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   17. Kohut H. The Chicago Institute Lectures 1972-1976. Marian and Paul
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   Self-Discovery. Boston: Houghton Mifflin 1987
   
   25. Roningstam, Elsa F. (Ed.). Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic,
   Clinical, and Empirical Implications. American Psychiatric Press, 1998
   
   26. Rothstein, Arnold. The Narcissistic Pursuit of Reflection. 2nd
   revised Ed. New York, International Universities Press, 1984
   
   27. Schwartz, Lester. Narcissistic Personality Disorders - A Clinical
   Discussion. Journal of American Psychoanalytic Association - 22
   [1974]: 292-305
   
   28. Salant-Schwartz, Nathan. Narcissism and Character Transformation.
   Inner City Books, 1985 - pp. 90-91
   
   29. Stern, Daniel. The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from
   Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology. New York, Basic Books,
   1985
   
   30. Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited. Skopje
   and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999, 2001
   
   31. Zweig, Paul. The Heresy of Self-Love: A Study of Subversive
   Individualism. New York, Basic Books, 1968
   
                                 Malignant
   
                                 Self Love
   
                            Narcissism Revisited
   
                         Frequently Asked Questions
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 37
   
                            The Inverted Narcissist
                                       
               With contributions by: Alice Ratzlaff (*) and
   
                     The members of the Narcissism List
   
  The Clinical Picture and Developmental Roots -
  
  Opening Remarks
  
  Terminology
  
    Co-dependents
    
   People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification
   and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy,
   demanding, submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display
   immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship"
   with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what
   abuse is inflicted upon them - they remain in the relationship.
   
   See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the
   DSM-IV.
   
    Inverted Narcissist
    
   Previously called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who
   depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you
   live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to
   one, work with a narcissist, etc. - it does NOT mean that you are an
   inverted narcissist.
   
   To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist - you must WANT to be in a
   relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on
   you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists
   - and ONLY with narcissists - no matter what your (bitter and
   traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY
   in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only THEN - AND if you
   satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality
   Disorder - can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist".
   
  Introduction
  
   The DSM-IV uses 9 criteria to define the NPD. It is sufficient to
   possess 5 of them to "qualify" as a narcissist. Thus, theoretically,
   it is possible to be NPD WITHOUT being grandiose. Many researchers
   (Alexander Lowen, Jeffrey Satinover, Theodore Millon and others)
   suggested a "taxonomy" of pathological narcissism. They divided
   narcissists to sub-groups (very much as I did with my somatic versus
   cerebral narcissist dichotomy - SV). Lowen, for instance, talks about
   the "phallic" narcissist versus others. Satinover makes a very
   important distinction between narcissists who were raised by abusive
   parents - and those who were raised by doting and smothering or
   domineering mothers. [See an expansion of the Satinover classification
   in FAQ 36]
   
   Glenn O. Gabbard in "Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice"
   [The DSM-IV Edition's. Comments on Cluster B Personality Disorders -
   Narcissistic. American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 1994] we find this:
   
   "...what definitive criteria can be used to differentiate healthy from
   pathological narcissism? The time honoured criteria of psychological
   health - to love and to work - are only partly useful in answering
   this question."
   
   "An individual's work history may provide little help in making the
   distinction. Highly disturbed narcissistic individuals may find
   extraordinary success in certain professions, such as big business,
   the arts, politics, the entertainment industry, athletics and
   televangelism field. In some cases, however, narcissistic pathology
   may be reflected in a superficial quality to one's professional
   interests, as though achievement in and acclaim are more important
   than mastery of the field itself.
   
   Pathological forms of narcissism are more easily identified by the
   quality of the individual's relationships.
   
   One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy
   interpersonal relationships can be recognised by qualities such as
   empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in
   the ideas of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term
   relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge one's
   own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are
   characterised by these qualities may at times use others to gratify
   their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of
   sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive style
   of dealing with other people. One the other hand, the person with a
   Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as objects to be
   used up and discarded according to his or her needs, without regard
   for their feelings.
   
   People are not viewed as having a separate existence or as having
   needs of their own. The individual with a Narcissistic Personality
   Disorder frequently ends a relationship after a short time, usually
   when the other person begins to make demands stemming from for his or
   her own needs. Most importantly, such relationships clearly do not
   'work' in terms of the narcissist's ability to maintain his or her own
   sense of self-esteem."
   
   "...These criteria [the DSM-IV's - SV] identify a certain kind of
   narcissistic patient - specifically, the arrogant, boastful, 'noisy'
   individual who demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to
   characterise the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whose
   extreme sensitivity to slights leads to an assiduous avoidance of the
   spotlight."
   
   The DSM-III-R alluded to at least TWO TYPES of narcissists, but the
   DSM-IV committee chose to delete this: "...included criterion, 'reacts
   to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation (even not if
   expressed)' due to lack of 'specificity'."
   
   Other theoreticians, clinicians and researchers similarly suggested a
   division between "the oblivious narcissist" (a.k.a. overt) and "the
   hypervigilant narcissist" (a.k.a. covert).
   
  The Compensatory versus the Classic Narcissist
  
   Another interesting distinction, suggested by Dave Kelly in his
   excellent PTYPES web site (http://www.ptypes.com) is between the
   Compensatory Type NPD and the Classic NPD [DSM-IV type]:
   http://www.geocities.com/ptyres/compensatory-narpd.html
   
   Here are the Compensatory NPD criteria according to Dave Kelly:
   
   "Personality Types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality
   Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, covert narcissistic
   behaviours that derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and
   weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high
   self-esteem, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of
   contexts, as indicated by six (or more) of the criteria below.
   
   The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a
   pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an
   underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine
   feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem."
   
    The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:
    
   o Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image
   of high self-worth [Millon];
   
   o Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a
   feeling of self-worth;
   
   o May "acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of
   others are ridiculed and degraded" [Millon];
   
   o Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon];
   
   o Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon];
   
   o Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens
   carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval
   [Millon];
   
   o "Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially (anxious) and
   vulnerable to the judgements of others" [Millon];
   
   o Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance
   and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon];
   
   o Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman];
   
   o Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of
   excitement and excess energy [Forman];
   
   o Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for
   perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman];
   
   o Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an
   intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships
   [Forman];
   
   o Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic concept
   of himself, which he can't possibly measure up to [Reich];
   
   o Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his abilities
   because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate
   gratification of success [Reich];
   
   o Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation,
   continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and
   fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for
   constant admiration [Reich];
   
   o Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others
   [Reich];
   
   o Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem
   [Reich];
   
   o Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention
   and admiration upon himself [Reich];
   
   o May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of
   fulfilment of his grandiose expectations [Riso].
   
   Sources:
   
   Forman, Max. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedipal Fixations. In
   Feldstein, J.J. (Ed.), The Annual of Psychoanalysis. Volume IV. New
   York: International Universities [1976] pp. 65-92.
   
   Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV
   and Beyond. 2nd Ed. New York: Wiley, [1996] pp. 411-12.
   
   Reich, Annie, [1986]. Pathological Forms of Self-Esteem Regulation. In
   Morrison, A. P., (Ed.), Essential Papers on Narcissism. pp. 44-60.
   Reprint from 1960. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Volume 15, pp.
   205-32.
   
   Riso, Don Richard. Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for
   Self-Discovery. Boston: Houghton Mifflin [1987] pp. 102-3.
   
    Speculative Diagnostic Criteria for
    
    Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder
    
   A pervasive pattern of self-inflation, pseudo-confidence,
   exhibitionism, and strivings for prestige, that compensates for
   feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as indicated by the
   following:
   
   o Pseudo-confidence compensating for an underlying condition of
   insecurity and feelings of helplessness;
   
   o        Pretentiousness, self-inflation;
   
   o Exhibitionism in the pursuit of attention, recognition, and glory;
   
   o Strivings for prestige to enhance self-esteem;
   
   o Deceitfulness and manipulativeness in the service of maintaining
   feelings of superiority;
   
   o Idealisation in relationships;
   
   o        Fragmentation of the self: feelings of emptiness and
   deadness;
   
   o A proud, hubristic disposition;
   
   o        Hypochondriasis;
   
   o Substance abuse;
   
   o Self-destructiveness.
   
   Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder corresponds to Ernest
   Jones' narcissistic "God Complex", Annie Reich's "Compensatory
   Narcissism", Heinz Kohut's "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", and
   Theodore Millon's "Compensatory Narcissist".
   
   Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV
   and Beyond. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley, 1996. 411-12.
   
   Compare this to the classic type:
   
    Narcissistic Personality Type
    
   The basic trait of the Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of
   grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
   
   The Narcissistic Personality Type:
   
   o Reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation;
   
   o Is interpersonally exploitive: takes advantage of others to achieve
   his own ends;
   
   o Has a grandiose sense of self-importance;
   
   o Believes that his problems are unique and can be understood only by
   other special people;
   
   o Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
   brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
   
   o Has a sense of entitlement: an unreasonable expectation of
   especially favourable treatment;
   
   o Requires much attention and admiration of others;
   
   o Lacks empathy: fails to recognise and experience how others feel;
   
   o Is preoccupied with feelings of envy.
   
   This is mainly the DSM-III-R view. Pay attention to the not so subtle
   changes in the DSM-IV - SV:
   
   The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [American
   Psychiatric Association. DSM-IV. 4th ed. Washington, 1994] describes
   Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of
   grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack
   of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of
   contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
   
   o Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates
   achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without
   commensurate achievements);
   
   o Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
   brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
   
   o Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be
   understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status
   people (or institutions);
   
   o Requires excessive admiration;
   
   o Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of
   especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or
   her expectations;
   
   o Is interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to
   achieve his or her own ends;
   
   o Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the
   feelings and needs of others;
   
   o Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of
   him or her;
   
   o Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.
   
   Summarised from: American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and
   Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV. 4th Ed. Washington
   [1994]
   
  The Inverted Narcissist
  
   It is clear that there is, indeed, an hitherto neglected type of
   narcissist. It is the "self-effacing" or "introverted" narcissist. We
   call it the Inverted Narcissist (hereinafter: IN). Others call it
   "narcissist-codependent" or "N-magnet".
   
   This is a narcissist who, in many respects, is the mirror image of the
   "classical" narcissist. No one is sure why. The psychodynamics of such
   a narcissist are not clear, nor are his developmental roots. Perhaps
   he is the product of an overweening Primary Object or caregiver.
   Perhaps excessive abuse leads to the repression of even the
   narcissistic and other defence mechanisms. Perhaps the parents
   suppress every manifestation of grandiosity (very common in early
   childhood) and of narcissism - so that the narcissistic defence
   mechanism is "inverted" and internalised in this unusual form.
   
   These narcissists are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile,
   sometimes socially phobic. They import all their self-esteem and sense
   of self-worth from the outside (others), are pathologically envious (a
   transformation of aggression), are likely to intermittently engage in
   aggressive/violent behaviours, are more emotionally labile that the
   classic narcissist, etc.
   
   We can, therefore talk about three "basic" types of narcissists:
   
   1. The offspring of neglecting parents - They resort to narcissism as
   the predominant object relation (with themselves as the exclusive
   object).
   
   2. The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often narcissists
   themselves) - They internalised their parents' voices in the form of a
   sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spend their lives trying to be
   perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these
   parent-images and their later representations (authority figures).
   
   3. The offspring of abusive parents - They internalise the abusing,
   demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an effort
   to elicit "counter-voices" from their human environment and thus to
   extract a modicum of self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
   
   All three types exhibit recursive, recurrent and Sisyphean failures.
   Shielded by their defence mechanisms, they constantly gauge reality
   wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more rigid and
   ossified and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others
   ever greater.
   
   The narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad of primitive defences
   in his dealings with his children. Splitting - idealising the child
   and devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal dynamics of
   the parent rather than anything the child does. Projective
   Identification - forcing the child into behaviours and traits, which
   reflect the parents' fears regarding himself or herself, his or her
   self-image and his or her self-worth. This is a particularly powerful
   and pernicious mechanism. If the narcissist parent fears his own
   deficiencies ("defects"), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses,
   susceptibility, gullibility, or emotions - he is likely to force the
   child to "feel" these rejected and (to him) repulsive emotions, to
   behave in ways strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character
   traits the parent strongly rejects in himself. The child, in a way,
   becomes the "trash bin" of the parents' inhibitions, fears,
   self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth, sense of
   inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures and
   emotional reticence. Coupled with parent's treatment of the child as
   the parent's extension, it serves to totally inhibit the psychological
   growth and emotional maturation of the child. The child becomes a
   reflection of the parent - a vessel through which the parent
   experiences and realises himself for better (hopes, aspirations,
   ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable"
   emotions, "negative" traits). A host of other, simpler, defence
   mechanisms put to use by the parent are likely to obscure the
   predominant use of projective identification: projection,
   displacement, intellectualisation, depersonalisation. Relationships
   between such parents and their progeny easily deteriorate to sexual or
   other modes of abuse because there are no functioning boundaries
   between them.
   
   It seems that the child's reaction to a narcissistic parent can be
   either accommodation and assimilation or rejection.
   
    Accommodation and Assimilation
    
   The child accommodates, idealises and internalises the Primary Object
   successfully. This means that the child's "internal voice" is
   narcissistic and that the child tries to comply with its directives
   and with its explicit and perceived wishes. The child becomes a
   masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the
   parent's personality, an ideal source, an accommodating, understanding
   and caring caterer to all the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of
   the narcissist, an endurer of devaluation and idealisation with
   equanimity, a superb adapter to the narcissist's world view, in short:
   the ultimate extension. This is what we call an "inverted narcissist".
   
   We must not neglect the abusive aspect of such a relationship. The
   narcissistic Primary Object always alternates between idealisation of
   his progeny and its devaluation. The child is likely to internalise
   the devaluing, abusive, demeaning, berating, diminishing, minimising,
   upbraiding, chastising voices. The parent (or caregiver) goes on to
   survive inside the adult (as part of a sadistic and ideal Superego and
   an unrealistic Ego Ideal, to resort to psychoanalytic parlance). These
   are the voices that inhibit the development of reactive narcissism,
   the child's defence mechanism.
   
   The adult maintains these traits. He keeps looking for narcissists in
   order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He wishes to be treated by a
   narcissist narcissistically (what others would call abuse is, to him
   or her, familiar and constitutes Narcissistic Supply). To him, the
   narcissist is a Source of Supply (primary or secondary) and the
   narcissistic behaviours constitute Narcissistic Supply. He feels
   dissatisfied, empty and unloved if not loved by a narcissist.
   
   The roles of Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS) and
   Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply (SSNS) are reversed. To the
   inverted narcissist, a spouse is a Source of PRIMARY Supply, for
   instance.
   
   The other reaction to the narcissistic parent is:
   
    Rejection
    
   The child may react to the narcissism of the Primary Object with a
   peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narcissistic
   personality, replete with grandiosity and lack of empathy - BUT his
   personality is antithetical to the personality of the narcissistic
   parent. If the parent were a somatic narcissist - he is likely to be a
   cerebral one, if his father prided himself being virtuous - he is
   sinful, if his mother bragged about her frugality, he is bound to
   flaunt his wealth.
   
  An Attempted DSM-Style List of Criteria
  
   We came up with a DSM-IV "style" inventory for an inverted narcissist,
   using the narcissists' characteristics as a template, because they
   are, in many ways two sides of the same coin, or "the mould and the
   moulded" hence "mirror narcissist" or "inverted narcissist".
   
   The narcissist tries to merge with an idealised but badly internalised
   object. He does so by "digesting" the meaningful others in his life
   and transforming them into extensions of his self. He employs various
   techniques to achieve this. To the "digested" this is the crux of the
   harrowing experience called "living with a narcissist".
   
   The "inverted narcissist" (IN), on the other hand, does not attempt,
   except in fantasy or in dangerous, masochistic sexual practice, to
   merge with an idealised external object. This is because he so
   successfully internalised the narcissistic Primary Object to the
   exclusion of all else. The IN feels ill at ease in a relationship with
   a non-narcissist because it is unconsciously perceived by him to be
   "betrayal", "cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he had
   with the narcissistic Primary Object.
   
   This is the big difference between narcissists and their inverted
   version. The former REJECTED the Primary Object in particular (and
   object relations in general) in favour of a handy substitute:
   themselves.
   
   The IN accepted the (narcissist) Primary Object and internalised it -
   to the exclusion of all others (unless they are perceived by him to be
   faithful renditions, replicas of the narcissistic Primary Object).
   
    Criterion ONE
    
   The IN possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth.
   
   The narcissist has a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this
   is not conscious. He goes through cycles of self-devaluation (and
   experiences them as dysphorias). The IN's sense of self-worth does NOT
   fluctuate. It is rather stable - but it is very low. Whereas the
   narcissist devalues others - the IN devalues himself as an offering, a
   sacrifice to the narcissist. The IN pre-empts the narcissist by
   devaluing himself, by actively devaluing his own achievements, or
   talents. The IN is exceedingly distressed when singled out because of
   actual achievements or demonstration of superior skills.
   
   The inverted narcissist is compelled to filter all of his narcissistic
   needs through the primary narcissist in their lives. No independence
   is permitted. The IN feels amplified by the narcissist's commentary
   (because nothing can be accomplished by the invert without the
   approval of a primary narcissist in their lives).
   
    Criterion TWO
    
   Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance
   and beauty or of an ideal of love.
   
   This is the same as the DSM-IV criterion for Narcissistic Personality
   Disorder but, with the IN, it manifests absolutely differently, i.e.
   the cognitive dissonance is sharper here because the IN is so
   absolutely and completely convinced of their worthlessness that these
   fantasies of grandeur are extremely painful "dissonances".
   
   With the narcissist, the dissonance exists on two levels:
   
   Between the UNCONSCIOUS feeling of lack of stable self-worth and the
   grandiose fantasies AND between the grandiose fantasies and reality
   (the Grandiosity Gap).
   
   In comparison, the inverted narcissist can only vacillate between lack
   of self-worth and reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in
   dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the invert is
   psychologically incapable of fully realising their inherent potentials
   without a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or
   accomplishments through. They MUST have someone to whom praise can be
   redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of
   self-worthlessness and genuine praise that cannot be deflected is
   likely to emotionally derail the inverted narcissist every time.
   
    Criterion THREE
    
   Believes that he is absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e.,
   worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasised ideal) and that
   no one at all could understand him because he is innately unworthy of
   being understood. The IN becomes very agitated the more one tries to
   understand him because that also offends against his righteous sense
   of being properly excluded from the human race.
   
   A sense of worthlessness is typical of many other PDs (AND the feeling
   that no one could ever understand them). The narcissist himself
   endures prolonged periods of self-devaluation, self-deprecation and
   self-effacement. This is part of the Narcissistic Cycle. In this
   sense, the inverted narcissist is a PARTIAL narcissist in that he is
   permanently fixated in a part of the narcissist wheel, never to
   experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and
   sense of entitlement.
   
   The "righteous sense of being properly excluded" comes from the
   sadistic Superego in concert with the "overbearing, externally
   reinforced, conscience".
   
    Criterion FOUR
    
   Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all
   costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention
   being paid to him - similar to the Schizoid PD.
   
    Criterion FIVE
    
   Feels that he is undeserving and not entitled.
   
   Feels that he is inferior to others, lacking, insubstantial, unworthy,
   unlikeable, unlovable, someone to scorn and dismiss, or to ignore.
   
    Criterion SIX
    
   Is extinguishingly selfless, sacrificial, even unctuous in his
   interpersonal relationships and will avoid the assistance of others at
   all costs. Can only interact with others when he can be seen to be
   giving, supportive, and expending an unusual effort to assist.
   
   Some narcissists behave the same way but only as a means to obtain
   Narcissistic Supply (praise, adulation, affirmation, attention). This
   must not be confused with the behaviour of the IN.
   
    Criterion SEVEN
    
   Lacks empathy. Is intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so
   far as it relates to his own need to perform the required
   self-sacrifice, which in turn is necessary in order for the IN to
   obtain his Narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist.
   
   By contrast, narcissists are never empathic. They are intermittently
   attuned to others only in order to optimise the extraction of
   Narcissistic Supply from them.
   
    Criterion EIGHT
    
   Envies others. Cannot conceive of being envied and becomes extremely
   agitated and uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where
   comparison might occur - loathes competition and will avoid
   competition at all costs, if there is any chance of actually winning
   the competition, or being singled out.
   
    Criterion NINE
    
   Displays extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is
   publicly self-effacing in the extreme, is internally highly moralistic
   and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages in lengthy
   ritualistic behaviours, which can never be perfectly performed
   (obsessive-compulsive, though not necessarily to the full extent
   exhibited in OCD). Notions of being individualistic are anathema.
   
  The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)
  
   The inverted narcissist does not suffer from a "milder" form of
   narcissism. Like the "classic" narcissists, it has degrees and shades.
   But it is much more rare and the DSM-IV variety is the more prevalent.
   
   The inverted narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever
   threatened, or...
   
   ...When envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel
   wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes, when his sense of
   self-worthlessness is enhanced by a behaviour, a comment, an event,
   when his lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is THREATENED.
   Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or
   rage-fully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a
   reward, a compliment, a proposition, a sexual advance).
   
   ...When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked
   (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.
   
   ...When his pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of
   injustice and being discriminated against or treated unjustly by a
   spiteful world.
   
   ...When he encounters stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry - it is
   these qualities in him that the narcissist really fears and rejects so
   vehemently in others.
   
   ...When he believes that he failed (and he always entertains this
   belief), that he is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for
   nothing half-baked creature.
   
   ...When he realises to what extent his inner demons possess him,
   constrain his life, torment him, deform him and the hopelessness of it
   all.
   
   Then even the inverted narcissist rages. He becomes verbally and
   emotionally abusive. He abuses unfairly confidences. He uncannily
   pierces the soft spots of his target, and mercilessly drives home the
   poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects his
   adversary.
   
   The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. The
   narcissist regrets his behaviour but rarely admit his feelings, though
   he might apologise profusely.
   
   He simply nurtures his feelings as yet another weapon of
   self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this very suppressed
   self-contempt, from this very repressed and introverted judgement,
   from this missing emotional atonement that the narcissistic rage
   springs forth. Thus the vicious cycle is established.
   
   One important difference between inverted narcissists and
   non-narcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD
   (Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome) following a relationship with a
   narcissist. They seem to be "desensitised" to narcissists by their
   early upbringing. Whereas the reactions of normal people to
   narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and
   projective identification defence mechanisms and to the idealisation
   devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation -
   inverted narcissists show none of the above.
   
  The Life of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)
  
   The IN is, usually, exceedingly and painfully shy as a child. Despite
   this social phobia, his grandiosity (absorbed from the parent) might
   direct him to seek "limelight" professions and occupations, which
   involve exposure, competition, "stage fright" and social friction. The
   setting can vary from the limited (family) to the expansive (national
   media) - but, whatever it is, the result is constant conflict and
   feelings of discomfort, even terror and extreme excitement and thrill
   ("adrenaline rush"). This is because the IN's grandiosity is
   "imported" and not fully integrated. It is, therefore, not supportive
   of his "grandiose" pursuits (as is the case with the narcissist). On
   the contrary, the IN feels awkward, pitted on the edge of a precipice,
   contrived, false and misleading, not to say deceitful.
   
   The inverted narcissist grows up in a suppressive environment. It
   could be an orthodox, hyper-religious, or traditionalist culture, a
   monovalent, "black and white", doctrinarian and indoctrinating society
   - or a family which manifests all the above in a microcosm all its
   own. The inverted narcissist is cast in a negative (emergent) role
   within his family. His "negativity" is attributed to his gender, the
   order of his birth, religious, social, or cultural dictates and
   commandments, his "character flaws", his relation to a specific person
   or event, his acts or inaction and so on.
   
   In the words of one such IN:
   
   "In the religious culture I grew up in. Women are SO suppressed, their
   roles are so carefully restricted. They are the representation, in the
   flesh, of all that is sinful, degrading, of all that is wrong with the
   world.
   
   These are the negative gender/cultural images that were force fed to
   us the negative 'otherness' of women, as defined by men, was fed to
   me. I was so shy, withdrawn, unable to really relate to people at all
   from as early as I can remember."
   
   The IN is subjected and exposed either to an overbearing, overvalued
   parent, or to an aloof, detached, emotionally unavailable one - or to
   both - at an early stage of his life.
   
   "I grew up in the shadow of my father who adored me, put me on a
   pedestal, told me I could do or be anything I wanted because I was
   incredibly bright, BUT, he ate me alive, I was his property and an
   extension of him. I also grew up with the mounting hatred of my
   narcissist brother who got none of this attention from our father and
   got no attention from our mother either. My function was to make my
   father look wonderful in the eyes of all outsiders, the wonderful
   parent with a genius Wunderkind as his last child, and the only child
   of the six that he was physically present to raise from the get go.
   The overvaluation combined with being abjectly ignored or raged at by
   him when I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit, was enough to
   warp my personality."
   
   The invert cannot, or is prevented from developing full-blown
   secondary narcissism. The invert is so heavily preoccupied in his or
   her pre-school years in satisfying the narcissistic parent, that the
   traits of grandiosity and self-love, need for adoration and
   Narcissistic Supply from ANY viable source remain dormant or
   repressed.
   
   The invert simply "knows" that only the narcissistic parent can
   provide the requisite amount of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic
   parent is so controlling that any attempt to garner praise or
   adulation from any other source (without the approval of the parent)
   is severely punished by swift devaluation and even the occasional
   spanking or abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual).
   
   This is a vital part of the conditioning that gives rise to inverted
   narcissism. Where the narcissist exhibits grandiosity, the invert is
   intensely uncomfortable with personal praise, and wishes to always
   divert praise away from himself onto his narcissist. This is why the
   IN can only truly FEEL anything when he is in relationship with
   another narcissist. The IN is conditioned and programmed from the very
   beginning to be the perfect companion to the narcissist. To feed their
   Ego, to be purely their extension, to seek only praise and adulation
   if it brings greater praise and adulation to the narcissist.
   
  The Inverted Narcissist's Survival Guide
  
   o Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with
   it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything
   is just fine, business as usual.
   
   o Offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they
   cannot obtain anywhere else.
   
   Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary NS for your
   narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you
   take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that
   much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to
   pull their haughty stuff - an inevitability, in any case.
   
   o Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating,
   thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, and keeping
   the peace (relatively speaking).
   
   o Get tremendous personal satisfaction out of endlessly giving. This
   one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it
   proposition.
   
   o Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the
   narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment (i.e.,
   NS) and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says
   something dumb. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved
   for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the
   verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary
   response, but it must be devoid of emotional content, more with the
   air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready,
   and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion."
   
   o If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex
   - then give yourself ample permission to have sex with other people.
   Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so
   discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
   
   o If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on
   endlessly interesting group sex encounters but make sure that you
   choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very
   undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very
   problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).
   
   o If you are a "fixer" which most inverted narcissists are, then focus
   on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations".
   Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist -
   it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn - they
   just simply can't be fixed.
   
   o If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your
   narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY
   IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process
   at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and
   being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and
   benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with
   these factors, rather than trying to change them.
   
   o FINALLY, and most important of all for the inverted narcissist: KNOW
   YOURSELF.
   
   What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a
   masochist?
   
   Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
   
   Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you
   are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find
   harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to yourself.
   Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the
   narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success
   in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful
   behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU, which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT
   the narcissist is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting,
   frank and open relationship.
   
   We firmly believe that it is only the inverted narcissist who can have
   a reasonably good, long lasting relationship with the narcissist. You
   must be prepared to give your narcissist a LOT of space and leeway.
   
   You don't really exist for them as a fully realised person - no one
   does. They are not fully realised people so they cannot possibly have
   the skills, no matter how smart or sexy, to be a complete person in
   the sense that most adults are complete.
   
  Somatic versus Cerebral Inverted Narcissists (IN)
  
   The inverted narcissist is really an erstwhile narcissist internalised
   by the IN. Inevitably, we are likely to find among the inverted the
   same propensities, predilections, preferences and inclinations as we
   do among proper narcissists.
   
   The cerebral IN is an IN whose source of vicarious Primary
   Narcissistic Supply lies - through the medium and mediation of a
   narcissist - in the exercise of his intellectual faculties. A somatic
   IN would tend to make use of his body, sex, shape or health in trying
   to secure NS for "his" narcissist.
   
   The inverted narcissist feeds on the primary narcissist and this is
   his Narcissistic Supply. So these two typologies can, in essence
   become a self-supporting, symbiotic system. In reality though, both
   the narcissist and the inverted narcissist need to be quite well aware
   of the dynamics of this relationship in order to make this work as a
   successful long-term arrangement. It might well be that this symbiosis
   would only work between a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral invert.
   The somatic narcissist's capricious sexual dalliances would be far too
   threatening to the equanimity of the cerebral invert for there to be
   much chance of this succeeding, even for a short time.
   
   It would seem that only opposing types of narcissists can get along
   when two classic narcissists are involved in a couple. It follows,
   syllogistically, that only identical types of narcissist and inverted
   narcissist can survive in a couple. In other words: the best, most
   enduring couples of narcissist and his inverted narcissist mate would
   involve a somatic narcissist and a somatic IN - or a cerebral
   narcissist and a cerebral IN.
   
  Coping with Narcissists and Non-Narcissists
  
   The inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the
   narcissistic parent. This parent engulfed and subsumed the child's
   being to such an over-bearing extent that the child's personality was
   irrevocably shaped by this engulfment, damaged beyond hope of repair.
   The child was not even able to develop defence mechanisms such as
   narcissism.
   
   The end result is an inverted narcissistic personality. The traits of
   this personality are primarily evident in relationship contexts. The
   child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent to only be entitled
   to feel whole, useful, productive, complete when the child augmented
   or mirrored to the parent their own sought after narcissistic image.
   As a result the child is shaped by this engulfment and cannot feel
   complete in any significant adult relationship unless they are with a
   narcissist.
   
    The Inverted Narcissist in Relationship with the Narcissist
    
   The inverted narcissist is drawn to significant relationships with
   other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationships are usually
   spousal primary relationships but can also be friendships with
   narcissists outside of the primary love relationship.
   
   In a primary relationship, the inverted narcissist attempts to
   re-create the parent-child relationship. The invert thrives on
   mirroring to the narcissist his own grandiosity and in so doing the
   invert obtains his OWN Narcissistic Supply (the dependence of the
   narcissist upon the invert for their Secondary Narcissistic Supply).
   The invert must have this form of relationship with a narcissist in
   order to feel complete and whole. The invert will go as far as he
   needs to ensure that the narcissist is happy, cared for, properly
   adored, as he feels is the narcissist's right. The invert glorifies
   his narcissist, places him on a pedestal, endures any and all
   narcissistic devaluation with calm equanimity, impervious to the overt
   slights of the narcissist.
   
   Narcissistic rage is handled deftly by the inverted narcissist. The
   invert is exceedingly adept at managing every aspect of his life,
   tightly controlling all situations, so as to minimise the potential
   for the inevitable narcissistic rages of his narcissist.
   
   The invert wishes to be subsumed by the narcissist. The invert only
   feels truly loved and alive in this kind of relationship. The invert
   is loth to abandon his relationships with narcissists. The
   relationship only ends when the narcissist withdraws completely from
   the symbiosis. Once the narcissist has determined that the invert is
   of no further use, and withholds all Narcissistic Supply from the
   invert, only then does the invert reluctantly move on to another
   relationship. The invert is most likely to equate sexual intimacy with
   engulfment. This can be easily misread to mean that the invert is
   himself or herself a somatic narcissist, but it would be incorrect.
   The invert can endure years of minimal sexual contact with their
   narcissist and still be able to maintain the self-delusion of intimacy
   and engulfment. The invert finds a myriad of other ways to "merge"
   with the narcissist, becoming intimately, though only in support
   roles, involved with the narcissist's business, career, or any other
   activity where the invert can feel that they are needed by the
   narcissist and indispensable. The invert is an expert at doling out
   Narcissistic Supply and even goes as far as procuring Primary
   Narcissistic Supply for their narcissist (even where this means
   finding another lover for the narcissist, or participating in group
   sex with the narcissist). Usually though, the invert seems most
   attracted to the cerebral narcissist and finds him easier to manage
   than the somatic narcissist. The cerebral narcissist is disinterested
   in sex and this makes life considerably easier for the invert, i.e.,
   the invert is less likely to "lose" their cerebral narcissist to
   another primary partner. A somatic narcissist may be prone to changing
   partners with greater frequency or wish to have no partner, preferring
   to have multiple, casual sexual relationships of no apparent depth
   which never last very long.
   
   The invert regards relationships with narcissists as the ONLY true and
   legitimate form of primary relationship. The invert is capable of
   having primary relationships with non-narcissists. But without
   engulfment, the invert feels unneeded, unwanted and emotionally
   uninvolved.
   
    Relationships between the
    
    Inverted Narcissist and Non-Narcissists
    
   The inverted narcissist can maintain relationships outside of the
   symbiotic primary relationship with a narcissist. But the invert does
   not "feel" loved because the non-narcissist is not "engulfing" them.
   Thus, the invert tends to devalue their non-narcissistic primary
   partner as less than worthy of the inverts' love and attention.
   
   The invert may be able to sustain a relationship with a non-narcissist
   by finding other narcissistic symbiotic relationships outside of this
   primary relationship. The invert may have a narcissistic friend, to
   whom he pays extraordinary attention, ignoring the real needs of the
   non-narcissistic partner.
   
   Consequently, the only semi-stable primary relationship between the
   invert and the non-narcissist occurs where the non-narcissist is very
   easy going, emotionally secure and not needing much from the invert at
   all by way of time, energy or commitment to activities requiring the
   involvement of both parties. In a relationship with this kind of
   narcissist, the invert may become a workaholic or very involved in
   outside activities that exclude the non-narcissist spouse.
   
   It appears that the inverted narcissist in a relationship with a
   non-narcissist is behaviourally indistinguishable from a true
   narcissist. The only important exception is that the invert does not
   rage at his non-narcissist partner - he instead withdraws from the
   relationship even further. This passive-aggressive reaction has been
   noted, though, with narcissists as well.
   
  Inverted and Other Atypical / Partial (NOS) Narcissists
  
  Inverted Narcissists Talk about Themselves
  
    Competition and (Pathological) Envy
    
   "I have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close
   to, where I feel extremely competitive toward and envious of the other
   person. But I don't ACT competitive, because at the very outset, I see
   myself as the loser in the competition. I would never dream of trying
   to beat the other person, because I know deep in my heart that they
   would win and I would be utterly humiliated. There are fewer things on
   earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other
   person gloat over me, especially if they know how much I cared about
   not losing. This is one thing that I actually feel violent about. I
   guess I tend to project the grandiosity part of the NPD package onto
   the other person rather than on a False Ego of my own. So most of the
   time I'm stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her. To
   me, she's always far more intelligent, likable, popular, talented,
   self-confident, emotionally developed, morally good, and attractive
   than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel humiliated by it.
   So it's incredibly hard for me to feel happy for this person when she
   has a success, because I'm overcome with humiliation about myself.
   This has ruined many a close relationship. I tend to get this way
   about one person at a time, usually the person who is playing the role
   of 'my better half', best friends or lovers/partners. So it's not like
   I'm unable to be happy for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I
   meet. I don't get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are
   or anything like that. It only gets projected onto this
   partner-person, the person I'm depending on the most in terms of
   supplies (attention, reassurance, security, building up my
   self-esteem, etc.)...
   
   ...The really destructive thing that happens is, I see her grandiose
   traits as giving her the power to have anything and anyone she wants.
   So I feel a basic insecurity, because why should she stay with a loser
   like me, when she's obviously so out of my league? So really, what I'm
   envious of is the power that all that talent, social ability, beauty,
   etc., gives her to have CHOICES - the choice to stay or leave me.
   Whereas I am utterly dependent on her. It's this emotional inequality
   that I find so humiliating."
   
   "I agree with the inverted narcissist designation - sometimes I've
   called myself a 'closet narcissist'. That is, I've internalised the
   value system of grandiosity, but have not applied the grandiose
   identity to myself.
   
   I believe I SHOULD BE those grandiose things, but at the same time, I
   know I'm not and I'm miserable about it. So people don't think of me
   as having an inflated Ego - and indeed I don't - but scratch the
   surface, and you'll find all these inflated expectations. I mean to
   say that perhaps the parents suppressed every manifestation of
   grandiosity (very common in early childhood) and of narcissism - so
   that the defence mechanism that narcissism is was 'inverted' and
   internalised in this unusual form."
   
   "Maybe there aren't two discrete states (NPD vs. 'regular' low
   self-esteem) - maybe it's more of a continuum. And maybe it's just the
   degree and depth of the problem that distinguishes one from the other.
   
   My therapist describes NPD as 'the inability to love oneself'. As she
   defines it, the 'narcissistic wound' is a deep wounding of the sense
   of self, the image of oneself. That doesn't mean that other disorders
   - or for that matter, other life stressors - can't also cause low
   self-esteem. But I think NPD IS low self-esteem...
   
   That's what the disorder is really about - an image of yourself that
   is profoundly negative, and the inability to attain a normal and
   healthy self-image..."
   
   "Yes, I'm a survivor of child abuse. But remember that not all abuse
   is alike. There are different kinds of abuse, and different effects.
   My XXX's style of abuse had to do with trying to annihilate me as a
   separate person. It also had to do with the need to put all his
   negative self-image onto me - to see in me what he hated in himself.
   So I got to play the role of the loser that he secretly feared he was.
   I was flipped back and forth in those roles - sometimes I'd be a
   Source of NS for him, and other times I was the receptacle of all his
   pain and rage. Sometimes my successes were used to reflect back on
   him, to show off to the rest of the family. Other times, my successes
   were threatening to my father, who suddenly feared that I was superior
   to him and had to be squelched. I experience emotions that most people
   I know don't feel. Or maybe they do feel them, but to far less extreme
   intensity. For example, the envy and comparison/competition I feel
   toward others. I guess most of us have experienced rivalry, jealousy,
   being compared to others. Most of us have felt envy at another's
   success. Yet most people I know seem able to overcome those feelings
   to some extent, to be able to function normally. In a competition, for
   example, they may be driven to do their best so they can win. For me,
   the fear of losing and being humiliated is so intense that I avoid
   competition completely. I am terrified of showing people that I care
   about doing well, because it's so shaming for me if I lose. So I
   underachieve and pretend I don't care. Most people I know may envy
   another person's good luck or success, but it doesn't prevent them
   from also being happy for them and supporting them. But for me, when
   I'm in a competitive dynamic with someone, I can't hear about any of
   their successes, or compliments they've received, etc. I don't even
   like to see the person doing good things, like bringing Thanksgiving
   leftovers to the sick old guy next door, because those things make me
   feel inferior for not thinking of doing that myself (and not having
   anyone in my life that I'd do that for). It's just so incredibly
   painful for me to see evidence of the other person's good qualities,
   because it immediately brings up my feeling of inferiority. I can't
   even stand to date someone, who looks really good, because I'm jealous
   of their good looks! So this deep and obsessive envy has destroyed my
   joy in other people. All the things about other people that I love and
   take pleasure in is a double-edged sword because I also hate them for
   it, for having those good qualities (while, presumably, I don't). I
   don't know - do you think this is garden-variety low self-esteem? I
   know plenty of people who suffer from lack of confidence, from
   timidity, social awkwardness, hatred of their body, feeling unlovable,
   etc. But they don't have this kind of hostile, corrosive resentment of
   another person for being all the wonderful things that they can't be,
   or aren't allowed to be, etc. And one thing I hate is when people are
   judgemental of me about how I feel, as though I can help it. It's
   like, 'You shouldn't be so selfish, you should feel happy for her that
   she's successful', etc. They don't understand that I would love to
   feel those things, but I can't. I can't stop the incredible pain that
   explodes in me when these feelings get triggered, and I often can't
   even HIDE the feelings. It's just so overwhelming. I feel so damaged
   sometimes. There's more, but that's the crux of it for me, anyway."
   
  Getting Compliments
  
   "I love getting compliments and rewards, and do not react negatively
   to them. In some moods, when my self-hate has gotten triggered, I can
   sometimes get to places where I'm inconsolable, because I get stuck in
   bitterness and self-pity, and so I doubt the sincerity or the
   reliability of the good thing that someone is saying to me (to try to
   cheer me up or whatever). But, if I'm in a reasonable mood and someone
   offers me something good, I'm all too happy to accept it! I don't have
   a stake in staying miserable."
   
    The Partiality of the Condition
    
   "I do agree that it's (atypical or inverted narcissism) not MILDER.
   But how I see it is that it's PARTIAL. The part that's there is just
   as destructive as it is in the typical narcissist. But there are parts
   missing from that total, full-blown disorder - and I see that as
   healthy, actually. I see it as parts of myself that WEREN'T infected
   by the pathology, that are still intact.
   
   In my case, I did not develop the overweening Ego part of the
   disorder. So in a sense, what you have with me is the naked pathology,
   with no covering: no suaveness, no charm, no charisma, no confidence,
   no persuasiveness, but also no excuses, no lies, no justifications for
   my feelings. Just the ugly self-hate, for all to see. And the
   self-hate part is just as bad as it is with a full-blown narcissist,
   so again, it's not milder.
   
   But because I don't have the denial part of the disorder, I have a lot
   more insight, a lot more motivation to do something about my problems
   (i.e., I 'self-refer' to therapy), and therefore, I think, a lot more
   hope of getting better than people whose defence involves totally
   denying they even have a problem."
   
   "When my full-blown XXX's pathological envy would get triggered, he
   would respond by putting down the person he was envious of - or by
   putting down the accomplishment itself, or whatever good stuff the
   other person had. He'd trivialise it, or outright contradict it, or
   find some way to convince the other person (often me) that the thing
   they're feeling good about isn't real, or isn't worthwhile, or is
   somehow bad, etc. He could do this because the inflated Ego defence
   was fully formed and operating with him.
   
   When MY pathological envy gets triggered, I will be bluntly honest
   about it. I'll say something self-pitying, such as: 'You always get
   the good stuff, and I get nothing'; 'You're so much better than I';
   'People like you better - you have good social skills and I'm a jerk';
   and so on. Or I might even get hostile and sarcastic: 'Well, it must
   be nice to have so many people worshipping you, isn't it?' I don't try
   to convince myself that the other person's success isn't real or
   worthwhile, etc. Instead, I'm totally flooded with the pain of feeling
   utterly inferior and worthless - and there's no way for me to convince
   myself or anyone else otherwise. I'm not saying that the things I say
   are pleasant to hear - and it is still manipulative of me to say them,
   because the other person's attention is drawn away from their joy and
   onto my pain and hostility. And instead of doubting their success's
   worth or reality, they feel guilty about it, or about talking about
   it, because it hurts me so much. So from the other person's point of
   view, maybe it's not any easier to live with a partial narcissist than
   with a full-blown, in that their joys and successes lead to pain in
   both cases. It's certainly not easier for me, being flooded with rage
   and pain instead of being able to hide behind a delusion of grandeur.
   But from my therapist's point of view, I'm much better off because I
   know I'm unhappy - it's in my face all the time. So I'm motivated to
   work on it and change it. And time has borne her words out. Over the
   past several years that I've worked on this issue, I have changed a
   great deal in how I deal with it. Now when the envy gets triggered, I
   don't feel so entwined with the other person - I recognise that it's
   my OWN pain getting triggered, not something they are doing to me. And
   so I can acknowledge the pain in a more responsible way, taking
   ownership of it by saying, 'The jealousy feelings are getting
   triggered again, and I'm feeling worthless and inferior. Can you
   reassure me that I'm not?' That's a lot better than making some snide,
   hostile, or self-pitying comment that puts the other person on the
   defensive or makes them feel guilty... I do prefer the term 'partial'
   because that's what it feels like to me. It's like a building that's
   partially built - the house of narcissism. For me, the structure is
   there, but not the outside, so you can see inside the skeleton to all
   the junk that's inside. It's the same junk that's inside a full-blown
   narcissist, but their building is completed, so you can't see inside.
   Their building is a fortress, and it's almost impossible to bring it
   down. My defences aren't as strong ... which makes my life more
   difficult in some ways because I REALLY feel my pain. But it also
   means that the house can be brought down more easily, and the junk
   inside cleaned out..."
   
    Thinking about the Past and the World
    
   "I don't usually get rageful about the past. I feel sort of
   emotionally cut-off from the past, actually. I remember events very
   clearly, but usually can't remember the feelings. When I do remember
   the feelings, my reaction is usually one of sadness, and sometimes of
   relief that I can get back in touch with my past. But not rage. All my
   rage seems to get displaced on the current people in my life."
   
   "...When I see someone being really socially awkward and geeky,
   passive-aggressive, indirect and victim-like, it does trigger anger in
   me because I identify with that person and I don't want to. I try to
   put my negative feelings onto them, to see that person as the jerk,
   not me - that's what a narcissist does, after all. But for me it
   doesn't completely work because I know, consciously, what I'm trying
   to do. And ultimately, I'm not kidding anyone, least of all myself."
   
    Self-Pity and Depression
    
   "More self-pity and depression here - not so much rage. One of the
   things that triggers my rage more than anything else is the inability
   to control another person, the inability to dominate them and force my
   reality on them. I feel impotent, humiliated, forced back on my empty
   self. Part of what I'm feeling here is envy: that person who can't be
   controlled clearly has a self and I don't, and I just hate them for
   it. But it's also a power struggle - I want to get Narcissistic Supply
   by being in control and on top and having the other person submissive
   and compliant..."
   
    Regretting, Admitting Mistakes
    
   "I regret my behaviour horribly, and I DO admit my feelings. I am also
   able, in the aftermath, to have empathy for the feelings of the person
   I've hurt, and I'm horribly sad about it, and ashamed of myself. It's
   as though I'd been possessed by a demon, acted out all this abusive
   horrible stuff, and then, after the departure of the demon, I'm back
   in my right mind and it's like, 'What have I DONE???' I don't mean I'm
   not responsible for what I did (i.e., a demon made me do it). But when
   I'm triggered, I have no empathy - I can only see my projection onto
   that person, as a huge threat to me, someone who must be demolished.
   But when my head clears, I see that person's pain, hurt, fear - and I
   feel terrible. I want to make it up to them. And that feeling is
   totally sincere - it's not an act. I'm genuinely sorry for the pain
   I've caused the other person."
   
    Rage
    
   "I wouldn't say that my rage comes from repressed self-contempt (mine
   is not repressed - I'm totally aware of it). And it's not missing
   atonement either, since I do atone. The rage comes from feeling
   humiliated, from feeling that the other person has somehow
   sadistically and gleefully made me feel inferior, that they're getting
   off on being superior, that they're mocking me and ridiculing me, that
   they have scorn and contempt for me and find it all very amusing. That
   - whether real or imagined (usually imagined) - is what causes my
   rage."
   
    Pursuing Relationships with Narcissists
    
   "There are some very few of us who actually seek out relationships
   with narcissists. We do this with the full knowledge that we are not
   wanted, despised even. We persist and pursue no matter the
   consequences, no matter the cost. I am an 'inverted narcissist'. It is
   because as a child I was 'imprinted/fixated' with a particular pattern
   involving relationships. I was engulfed so completely by my father's
   personality and repressed so severely by various other factors in my
   childhood that I simply didn't develop a recognisable personality. I
   existed purely as an extension of my father. I was his genius
   Wunderkind. He ignored my mother and poured all his energy and effort
   into me. I did not develop full-blown secondary narcissism... I
   developed into the perfect 'other half' of the narcissists moulding
   me. I became the perfect, eager co-dependent. And this is an imprint,
   a pattern in my psyche, a way of (not) relating to the world of
   relationships by only being able to truly relate to one person (my
   father) and then one kind of person - the narcissist. He is my perfect
   lover, my perfect mate, a fit that is so slick and smooth, so
   comfortable and effortless, so filled with meaning and actual feelings
   - that's the other thing. I cannot feel on my own. I am incomplete. I
   can only feel when I am engulfed by another (first it was my father)
   and now - well now it has to be a narcissist. Not just any narcissist
   either. He must be exceedingly smart, good looking, have adequate
   reproductive equipment and some knowledge on how to use it and that's
   about it. When I am engulfed by someone like this I feel completed, I
   can actually FEEL. I am whole again. I function as a sibyl, an oracle,
   an extension of the narcissist. His fiercest protector, his
   purveyor/procurer of NS, the secretary, organiser, manager, etc. I
   think you get the picture and this gives me INTENSE PLEASURE.
   
   So the answer to your question: 'Why would anyone want to be with
   someone who doesn't want them back?' The short answer is, 'Because
   there is no one else remotely worth looking at.'"
   
    Making Amends
    
   "I mostly apologise, and I give the person space to talk about what
   hurt them so that (1) they get to express their anger or hurt to me,
   and (2) I can understand better and know better how not to hurt them
   (if I can avoid it) the next time there's a conflict. Sometimes the
   hurt I cause is unintentional - maybe I've been insensitive or
   forgetful or something, in which case I feel more certain that I can
   avoid repeating the hurtful behaviour, since I didn't want to hurt
   them in the first place. If the hurt I caused has to do with my
   getting my trigger pulled and going into a rage, then that hurt was
   quite deliberate, although at the time I was unable to experience the
   other person as vulnerable or capable of being hurt by me. And I do
   realise that if that trigger is pulled again, it might happen again.
   But I also hope that there'll be a LITTLE TINY window where the memory
   of the conversation will come back to me while I'm in my rage, and
   I'll remember that the person really IS vulnerable. I hope that by
   hearing over and over that the person actually does feel hurt by what
   I say while in rages, that I might remember that when I am triggered
   and raging. So, mostly I apologise and try to communicate with the
   other person. I don't verbally self-flagellate, because that's
   manipulative. Not to say I never do that - in fact I've had a dynamic
   with people where I verbally put myself down and try to engage the
   other person into arguing me out of it.
   
   But if I'm in the middle of apologising to the other person for
   hurting them, then I feel like this is their moment, and I don't want
   to turn the focus toward getting them to try to make me feel better. I
   will talk about myself, but only in an attempt to communicate, so that
   we can understand each other better. I might say, 'I got triggered
   about such-and-such, and you seemed so invulnerable that it enraged
   me', etc. - and the other person might react with, 'But I was feeling
   vulnerable, I just couldn't show it', etc. - and we'll go back and
   forth like that. So it's not like I don't think my feelings count, and
   I do want the other person to UNDERSTAND my feelings, but I don't want
   to put the other person in the role of taking care of my feelings in
   that moment, because they have just been hurt by me and I'm trying to
   make it up to them, not squeeze more stuff OUT of them..."
   
   "So when I've been a real jerk to someone, I want them to feel like
   it's OK to be pissed off at me, and I want them to know that I am
   interested in and focused on how they feel, not just on how I feel. As
   for gifts - I used to do that, but eventually I came to feel that that
   was manipulative, too, that it muddled things because then the other
   person would feel like they couldn't be angry anymore, since after
   all, I've just brought them this nice gift. I also feel that in
   general, gift-giving is a sweet and tender thing to do, and I don't
   want to sully that tenderness by associating it with the hurt that
   comes from abusive behaviour."
   
    Why Narcissists?
    
   "I am BUILT this way. I may have overstated it by saying that I have
   'no choice' because, in fact I do.
   
   The choice is - live in an emotionally deadened monochrome world where
   I can reasonably interact with normal people OR I can choose to be
   with a narcissist in which case my world is Technicolor, emotionally
   satisfying, alive and wondrous (also can be turbulent and a real
   roller coaster ride for the unprepared, not to mention incredibly
   damaging for people who are not inverted narcissists and who fall into
   relationships with narcissists). As I have walked on both sides of the
   street, and because I have developed coping mechanisms that protect me
   really quite well, I can reasonably safely engage in a primary,
   intimate relationship with a narcissist without getting hurt by it.
   
   The real WHY of it all is that I learned, as a young child, that being
   'eaten alive' by a narcissist parent, to the point where your
   existence is but an extension of his own, was how all relationships
   ought to work. It is a psychological imprint - my 'love map', it is
   what feels right to me intrinsically. A pattern of living - I don't
   know how else to describe it so you and others will understand how
   very natural and normal this is for me. It is not the torturous
   existence that most of the survivors of narcissism are recounting on
   this list.
   
   My experiences with narcissists, to me, ARE NORMAL for me. Comfortable
   like an old pair of slippers that fit perfectly. I don't expect many
   people to attempt to do this, to 'make themselves into' this kind of
   person. I don't think anyone could, if they tried.
   
   It is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these
   relationships and when I get those needs met I feel more normal,
   better about myself. I am the outer extension of the narcissist. In
   many ways I am a vanguard, a public two-way warning system, fiercely
   defending my narcissist from harm, and fiercely loyal to him, catering
   to his every need in order to protect his fragile existence. These are
   the dynamics of my particular version of engulfment. I don't need
   anyone to take care of me. I need only to be needed in this very
   particular way, by a narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability
   to engulf in a way that normal, fully realised adults cannot. It is
   somewhat paradoxical - I feel freer and more independent with a
   narcissist than without one. I achieve more in my life when I am in
   this form of relationship. I try harder, work harder, am more
   creative, think better of myself, excel in most every aspect of my
   life."
   
   "...I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don't hurt,
   and later, I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so
   damned submissive. It's a constant battle and I can't seem to decide
   which voice in my head I should listen to... I feel like a fool, yet,
   I would rather be a fool with him than a lonely, well-rounded woman
   without him. I've often said that the only way that we can stay
   together is because we feed off of each other. I give him everything
   he needs and he takes it. Seeing him happy and pleased is what gives
   me pleasure. I feel very successful then."
   
    Partial NPD
    
   "I do think it's uncommon for girls to develop these patterns, as they
   are usually trained to be self-effacing. I certainly was! However, I
   have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that full-blown,
   obnoxiously egotistical NP's have, but I am not egotistical because I
   didn't develop the pattern of inflated Ego and grandiosity. All the
   rest of it is there, though: fragile Ego, lack of a centre or self,
   super-sensitive to criticism and rejections, pathological, obsessive
   envy, comparisons and competitive attitudes toward others, a belief
   that everyone in the world is either superior or inferior to me, and
   so on.
   
   Sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated Ego of a
   complete NP, because then I would at least be able to hide from all
   the pain I feel. But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't, because
   those people have a much lower chance of recovery - how can they
   recover if they don't acknowledge anything is wrong? Whereas it's
   pretty clear to me I have problems, and I've spent my life working on
   them and trying to change myself and heal."
   
    Narcissist-Non Narcissist
    
    And Narcissist-Inverted Narcissist Couples
    
   "Can a N and a non-N ever maintain a long lasting marriage? It would
   seem that a non-N would have too much self-esteem to lend himself to a
   lifetime of catering and pandering to an N's unending need for
   unearned adoration and glory. I, as a non-N... got tired of these
   people and their unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a
   relatively short period of time and abandoned them as soon as I
   realised what I was dealing with to preserve my own sanity."
   
   "It depends on the non-narcissist, really. Narcissism is a RIGID,
   systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and
   all-encompassing that it is a PERSONALITY disorder. If the
   non-narcissist is codependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a
   perfect match for him and the union will last..."
   
   "You have to pimp for the narcissist, intellectually, and sexually. If
   your narcissist is somatic, you are much better off lining up the sex
   partners than leaving it to him. Intellectual pimping is more varied.
   You can think of wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea,
   in the most delicate of packages and watch the narcissist cogitate
   their way to 'their' brilliant discovery whilst you bask in the glow
   of their perfection and success... The point of this entire exercise
   is to assure YOUR supply, which is the narcissist himself, not to
   punish yourself by giving away a great idea or abase yourself because,
   of course, YOU are not worthy of having such a great idea on your own
   - but who knows, it may seem that way to the inverted narcissist. It
   really depends on how self-aware the inverted is."
   
   "The only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the
   narcissist and if one is doing everything else right, this is very
   unlikely to happen! So by 'emotionally independent' I am talking about
   being self-assured, doing your own thing, having a life, feeling
   strong and good about yourself, getting emotional sustenance from
   other people. I mean, let's face it, a drug is a drug is a habit.
   Habits just are, and what they ARE NOT are the be all and end all of
   love, commitment and serene symmetrical, balanced emotional perfection
   that is the ideal of the romanticised 'love-for-a-lifetime'
   all-American relationship dream."
   
   "(I am) terribly turned on by narcissists. The most exciting moments
   of my life in every venue have been with narcissists. It is as if
   living and loving with normal people is a grey thing by comparison,
   not fuelled by sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a junkie, now, that
   I no longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of the RUSH I used to
   know when I was deeply and hopelessly involved with an N. I am like a
   lotus-eater. And I always felt guilty about this and also sorry that I
   ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover."
   
   "I am exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do, that the world is
   a sepia motion picture but when I am intimately involved with a
   narcissist, it breaks out into three-dimensional Technicolor and I can
   see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise. In my
   case I developed this (inverted narcissism) as a result of being the
   favourite of my father who so completely absorbed me into his
   personality that I was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I
   am stuck in this personality matrix of needing to be engulfed, adored
   by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I
   worship, defend, regulate and procure Narcissistic Supply for my
   narcissist. It is like the mould and the moulded."
   
   "In my case, I realise that while I can't stop loving my current
   narcissist, it isn't necessary for me to avoid as long as I can
   understand. In my way of looking at it, he is deserving of love, and
   since I can give him love without it hurting me, then as long as he
   needs it, he shall have it."
   
   "My personal theory is that dogmatic religious culture is a retarding
   influence on the growth and maturation of those heavily involved -
   more and more autonomy (and hence personal responsibility) seems to be
   blithely sacrificed to the group mind/spirit. It is as though the
   church members become one personality and that personality is
   narcissistic and the individual just folds under the weight of that
   kind of group pressure - particularly if you are a child."
   
   "If I displayed behaviour that made my XXX look good to others, I was
   insipidly overvalued. When I dared be something other than who she
   wanted me to be, the sarcastic criticism and total devaluation was
   unbelievable. So, I learned to be all things to all people. I get a
   heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist, to catering
   to them, in having them overvalue and need me, and it is the only time
   that I truly feel alive..."
   
   "We have very little choice in all of this. We are as vacant and
   warped as the narcissist. XXX is wont to say, 'I don't HAVE a
   personality disorder, I AM a personality disorder.' It defines who we
   are and how we will respond. You will always and ONLY have real
   feelings when you are with a narcissist. It is your love map, it is
   the programming within your psyche. Does it need to control your
   behaviour? Not necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you
   the opportunity to forecast the effect of an action before you take
   it. So, loveless black and white may be the very healthiest thing for
   you for the foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes with
   narcissists as being cyclic. You will likely need to cut loose for a
   while when your child is older.
   
   DO NOT feel ashamed please! Should a physically handicapped person
   feel ashamed of their handicap? No and neither should we. The trouble
   with us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships
   are 'guilty pleasures'. They feel so very good for a time but they are
   more akin to addiction satisfaction rather than being the 'right
   match' or an 'appropriate relationship'. I am still very conflicted
   myself about this. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a
   caged very dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near narcissists,
   the animal smells its own kind and it wants out. I very carefully
   'micro-manage' my life. This means that I daily do fairly regular
   reality checks and keep a very tight reign on my self and my
   behaviours. I am also obsessive-compulsive."
   
   "I feel as though I'm constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I may
   wake up in a good mood, but if my N partner does or says something,
   which is hurtful to me, my mood changes immediately. I now feel sad,
   empty, afraid. All I want to do at this point is anything that will
   make him say something NICE to me.
   
   Once he does, I'm back on top of the world. This pattern of mood
   changes, or whatever you may call them, can take place several times a
   day. Each and every day. I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure
   that I can trust myself to feel any one way, because I know that I
   have no control over myself. He has the control. It's scary, yet I've
   sort of come to depend on him determining how I am going to feel."
   
   "When I was first involved with my cerebral narcissist I was like this
   but after awhile I just learned to become more emotionally distant
   (the ups and downs were just too much) and find emotional
   gratification with other people, mostly girl friends and one of two
   male friends. I make a point of saying... that the invert must be or
   become emotionally and financially independent (if you don't do this
   he will eat you up and when he has finished with you and you are
   nothing but a husk, you will be expelled from his life in one big
   vomit). It is really important for you to start to take responsibility
   for your own emotional wellness without regard to how he treats you.
   Remember that the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a two-year
   old! Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in
   your relationship - he simply is not capable of anything that
   sophisticated."
   
        (*) Alice Ratzlaff, graduate of Queen's University School of Law,
      Kingston, Ontario, Canada practices child protection defence law in
       British Columbia, Canada. Ms. Ratzlaff was a professional 'cellist
                   before entering law school. Ms. Ratzlaff has two sons.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 42
   
                             Narcissism with Other
                                       
                            Mental Health Disorders
                                       
Co-Morbidity and Dual Diagnosis

   Question: Does narcissism often occur with other mental health
   disorders (co-morbidity) or with substance abuse (dual diagnosis)?
   
   Answer: NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is often diagnosed
   with other mental health disorders (such as the Borderline, Histrionic
   or Antisocial Personality Disorder). This is called "co-morbidity". It
   is also often accompanied by substance abuse and other reckless and
   impulsive behaviours and this is called "dual diagnosis".
   
   But there is one curious match, one logic-defying co-appearance of
   mental health disorders: narcissism and the Schizoid Personality
   Disorder [see FAQ 38].
   
   The basic dynamic of this particular brand of co-morbidity goes like
   this:
   
   1. The narcissist feels superior, unique, entitled and better than his
   fellow men. He thus tends to despise them, to hold them in contempt
   and to regard them as lowly and subservient beings.
   
   2. The narcissist feels that his time is invaluable, his mission of
   cosmic importance, his contributions to humanity priceless. He,
   therefore, demands total obedience and catering to his ever-changing
   needs. Any demands on his time and resources is deemed to be both
   humiliating and wasteful.
   
   3. But the narcissist is DEPENDENT on input from other people for the
   performance of certain Ego functions (such as the regulation of his
   sense of self-worth). Without Narcissistic Supply (adulation,
   adoration, attention), the narcissist shrivels and withers and is
   dysphoric (=depressed).
   
   4. The narcissist resents this dependence (described in point 3). He
   is furious at himself for his neediness and - in a typical
   narcissistic manoeuvre (called "alloplastic defence") - he blames
   OTHERS for his anger. He displaces his rage and its roots.
   
   5. Many narcissists are paranoids. This means that they are afraid of
   people and of what people might do to them. Think about it: wouldn't
   you be scared and paranoid if your very life depended continually on
   the goodwill of others? The narcissist's very life depends on others
   providing him with Narcissistic Supply. He becomes suicidal if they
   stop doing so.
   
   6. To counter this overwhelming feeling of helplessness (=dependence
   on Narcissistic Supply), the narcissist becomes a control freak. He
   sadistically manipulates others to satisfy his needs. He derives
   pleasure from the utter subjugation of his human environment.
   
   7. Finally, the narcissist is a latent masochist. He seeks punishment,
   castigation and ex-communication. This self-destruction is the only
   way to validate powerful voices he internalised as a child ("You are a
   bad, rotten, hopeless child").
   
   As you can easily see, the narcissistic landscape is fraught with
   contradictions. The narcissist depends on people - but hates and
   despises them. He wants to control them unconditionally - but is also
   looking to punish himself savagely. He is terrified of persecution
   ("persecutory delusions") - but seeks the company of his own
   "persecutors" compulsively. The narcissist is the victim of
   incompatible inner dynamics, ruled by numerous vicious circles, pushed
   and pulled simultaneously by irresistible forces. A minority of
   narcissists choose the SCHIZOID SOLUTION. They choose, in effect, to
   disengage, both emotionally and socially [see FAQ 38].
   
  HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) and Somatic NPD
  
   I "invented" another - twilight zone - category between NPD and HPD,
   which I call "somatic narcissists". These are narcissists who acquire
   their Narcissistic Supply by making use of their bodies, of sex, of
   physical of physiological achievements, traits, health, exercise, or
   relationships.
   
   Here is how the DSM-IV defines HPD:
   
   A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking,
   beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as
   indicated by five or more of the following:
   
   o Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the centre
   of attention;
   
   o Interaction with others is often characterised by INAPPROPRIATE
   SEXUALLY SEDUCTIVE or provocative behaviour (very rare with a
   narcissist - SV);
   
   o Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions;
   
   o Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self;
   
   o Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and
   lacking in detail;
   
   o Shows self-dramatisation, theatricality, and exaggerated expression
   of emotion;
   
   o Is suggestible, i.e. easily influenced by others or circumstances;
   
   o Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.
   
  Narcissists and Depression
  
   If by "depression" we also mean "numbness" then narcissists are often
   depressed. Most narcissists are simply numb, emotionally absent,
   non-existent. Their emotions are not accessible, not "available" to
   them. So, they inhabit a grey emotional twilight zone. The world looks
   false, fake, invented, contrived, in wrong hues. But they do not have
   a sense of living in prison. Once in prison, the inmate remembers
   there's an outside world and a way out. Not so in narcissism. The
   outside has long faded into oblivion. And there's no way out.
   
  DID and NPD
  
   Is the False Self an alter? In other words: is the True Self of a
   narcissist the equivalent of a host personality in a DID (Dissociative
   Identity Disorder) - and the False Self - one of the fragmented
   personalities, also known as "alters"?
   
   My personal opinion is that the False Self is a construct, not a self
   in the full sense. It is the locus of the fantasies of grandiosity,
   the feelings of entitlements, omnipotence, magical thinking,
   omniscience and magical immunity of the narcissist. It lacks so many
   other elements that it can hardly be called a "self". Moreover, it has
   no "cut-off" date. DID alters have a date of inception, as a reaction
   to trauma or abuse (they have an "age"). The False Self is a process,
   not an entity, it is a reactive pattern and a reactive formation. All
   taken into account, the choice of words by various theoreticians was
   poor. The False Self is not a self, nor is it false. It is very real,
   more real to the narcissist than his True Self. A better choice would
   have been "abuse reactive self" or something to that effect.
   
   I say that narcissists vanish and are replaced by a False Self
   [Kernberg]. There is NO True Self in there. It's gone. The narcissist
   is a hall of mirrors - but the hall itself is an optical illusion
   created by the mirrors... This is a little like the paintings of
   Escher.
   
   MPD (DID) is more common than believed. Those are the emotions that
   are segregated. The notion of "unique separate multiple whole
   personalities" is primitive and untrue. DID is a continuum. The inner
   language breaks down into polyglottal chaos. Emotions cannot
   communicate with each other for fear of pain (and its fatal results).
   So, they are being kept apart by various mechanisms (a host or birth
   personality, a facilitator, a moderator and so on).
   
   All PDs - except NPD - suffer from a modicum of dissociation. The
   narcissistic solution is to emotionally disappear. Hence, the
   tremendous, insatiable need of the narcissist for external approval.
   He exists ONLY as a reflection. Since he is forbidden to love his self
   - he chooses to have no self at all. It is not dissociation - it is a
   vanishing act.
   
   This is why I regard pathological narcissism as THE Source of all PDs.
   The total, "pure" solution is NPD: self-extinguishing,
   self-abolishing, totally fake. Then come variations on the self-hate
   and perpetuated self-abuse themes: HPD (NPD with sex/body as the
   Source of the Narcissistic Supply), BPD (lability, movement between
   poles of life wish and death wish) and so on.
   
   Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long
   time ago. They are the true zombies of the world. Read vampire and
   zombie legends and you will see how narcissistic these creatures are.
   
  NPD and ADHD
  
   NPD has been associated lately with Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity
   Disorder (ADHD or ADD) and with RAD (attachment disorder). The
   rationale is that children suffering from ADHD are unlikely to develop
   the attachment necessary to prevent a narcissistic regression [Freud]
   or adaptation [Jung]. Bonding and object relations ought to be
   affected by ADHD. Research, which supports this has yet to be made
   available. Still, many psychotherapists and psychiatrists use it as a
   working hypothesis. Another proposed linkage is between autistic
   disorders (such as Asperger's Syndrome) and narcissism.
   
  BPD, NPD and other Cluster B PDs
  
   All PDs are interrelated, in my view, at least phenomenologically.
   True, there is no "grand unifying theory of psychopathology". No one
   knows whether there are - and what are - the mechanisms underlying
   mental disorders. At best, mental health professionals register
   symptoms (as reported by the patient) and signs (as observed). Then,
   they group them into syndromes and, more specifically, into disorders.
   This is descriptive, not explanatory science. Sure, there are a few
   theories around (psychoanalysis, to mention the most famous) but they
   all failed miserably at providing a coherent, consistent theoretical
   framework with predictive powers and falsifiable predictions.
   
   Still, observations are a powerful tool, if properly used. People who
   suffer from personality disorders have many things in common:
   
   o Most of them are insistent (except those suffering from the Schizoid
   or the Avoidant Personality Disorders). They demand treatment on a
   preferential and privileged basis. They complain about numerous
   symptoms. They never obey the physician or his treatment
   recommendations and instructions.
   
   o They regard themselves as unique, display a streak of grandiosity
   and a diminished capacity for empathy (the ability to appreciate and
   respect the needs and wishes of other people). They regard the
   physician as inferior to them, alienate him using umpteen techniques
   and bore him with their never-ending self-preoccupation.
   
   o They are manipulative and exploitative because they trust no one and
   usually cannot love or share. They are socially maladaptive and
   emotionally unstable.
   
   o Most personality disorders start out as problems in personal
   development which peak during adolescence and then become personality
   disorders. They stay on as enduring qualities of the individual.
   Personality disorders are stable and all-pervasive - not episodic.
   They affect most of the areas of functioning of the patient: his
   career, his interpersonal relationships, his social functioning.
   
   o The person suffering a PD is not happy. He is depressed, suffers
   from auxiliary mood, affective and anxiety disorders. He does not like
   himself, his character, his (deficient) functioning, or his
   (crippling) influence on others. But his defences are so strong, that
   he is, usually, dimly aware only of the distress - and not of its
   reasons to it.
   
   o The patient with a personality disorder is vulnerable to and prone
   to suffer from a host of other psychiatric disturbances. It is as
   though his psychological immunological system has been disabled by the
   personality disorder and he falls prey to other variants of mental
   sickness. So much energy is consumed by the disorder and by its
   corollaries (example: by obsessions-compulsions), that the patient is
   rendered defenceless.
   
   o Patients with personality disorders are alloplastic in their
   defences. In other words: they would tend to blame the external world
   for their mishaps. In stressful situations, they try to pre-empt a
   (real or imaginary) threat, change the rules of the game, introduce
   new variables, or otherwise influence the external world to conform to
   their needs. This is as opposed to autoplastic defences exhibited, for
   instance, by neurotics (who change their internal psychological
   processes in stressful situations).
   
   o The character problems, behavioural deficits and emotional
   deficiencies and instability encountered by the patient with a
   personality disorder are, mostly, ego-syntonic. This means that the
   patient does not find his personality traits or behaviour
   objectionable, unacceptable, disagreeable, or alien to his self. As
   opposed to that, neurotics are ego-dystonic: they do not like what
   they are and how they behave.
   
   o The personality-disordered are not psychotic. They have no
   hallucinations, delusions or thought disorders (except those who
   suffer from the Borderline Personality Disorder and who experience
   brief psychotic "microepisodes", mostly during treatment).
   
   They are also fully oriented, with clear senses (sensorium), good
   memory and general fund of knowledge and are, in all-important
   respects, "normal".
   
   The Diagnostics and Statistics Manual [American Psychiatric
   Association. DSM-IV. 4th Ed. Washington, 1994] defines "personality"
   as:
   
   "...enduring patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about
   the environment and oneself... exhibited in a wide range of important
   social and personal contexts."
   
   It defines personality disorders as:
   
   A. An enduring pattern of inner experience and behaviour that deviates
   markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. This
   pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following areas:
   
   a. Cognition (i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other
   people, and events);
   
   b. Affectivity (i.e., the range, intensity, lability, and
   appropriateness of emotional response);
   
   c.      Interpersonal functioning;
   
   d. Impulse control.
   
   B. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad
   range of personal and social situations.
   
   C. The enduring pattern leads to clinically significant distress or
   impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of
   functioning.
   
   D. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be
   traced back at least to adolescence or early adulthood.
   
   E. The enduring pattern is not better accounted for as a manifestation
   or consequence of another mental disorder.
   
   F. The enduring pattern is not due to the direct physiological effects
   of a substance (e.g., a drug abuse, a medication) or a general medical
   condition (e.g., head trauma).
   
   [American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
   of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV. 4th ed. Washington, 1994]
   
   I think that each PD has its own form of Narcissistic Supply:
   
   o HPD (Histrionic PD) - Sex, seduction, flirtation, romance, body;
   
   o NPD (Narcissistic PD) - Adulation, admiration;
   
   o BPD (Borderline PD) - Presence (they are terrified of abandonment);
   
   o AsPD (Antisocial PD) - Money, power, control, fun.
   
   To my mind, BPDs, for instance, are NPDs who are scared of being
   abandoned. They know that if they hurt people, the latter might
   abandon them. So, they are very careful. They DO care deeply about not
   hurting others - but this is a selfish motivation: they don't want to
   lose those others, they are dependent on them. If you are a drug
   addict, you are not likely to pick up a fight with your pusher. BPDs
   also have deficient impulse control, as do AsPDs.
   
   Each PD has its own "story", a "narrative". The way to healing is
   replete with the ostracons of these narratives. To heal, a PD MUST
   break through his or her narrative and OUT into the world and to
   assume personal responsibility.
   
   All PDs engage in scapegoating and bag-punching. Their parents,
   abusers, the world, God, or history are responsible for what they are
   and what we do DECADES after the original abuse. Research shows that
   the brain is more plastic than many thought it to be. One can CHOOSE
   to heal. If one doesn't - it is because there is gain in infirmity.
   
  NPDs and Other PDs
  
   A few points to ponder:
   
   o NPDs are afraid of abandonment and do everything they can to bring
   it about (and thus "control" it). BPDs are terrified of abandonment
   and they do everything they can either to avoid relationships in the
   first place - or to prevent abandonment (cling or emotionally extort)
   once in a relationship.
   
   o Seductive behaviour alone is NOT necessarily indicative of HPD.
   Somatic narcissists behave this way as well.
   
   o I think that the diagnostic distinctions between the Cluster B
   disorders are pretty artificial. It is true that some traits are much
   more pronounced (or even qualitatively different) in given disorders.
   For example: the grandiose fantasies typical to a narcissist (their
   pervasiveness, their influence on the minutest behaviour, their
   tendency to inflate and so on) - are rather unique in both severity
   and character to NPD.
   
   o But I think that they all the Cluster B Personality Disorders occupy
   a continuum.
   
   o It used to be thought that NPDs are ego-syntonic ALL the time. That
   they do not have reactive psychoses and do not suffer from psychotic
   microepisodes under stress. Recent research has disproved these
   "differential diagnoses criteria". NPDs are a lot like BPDs in so many
   respects that the likes of Kernberg suggested abolishing the
   distinction altogether. All Cluster B PDs seem to arise from
   pathological narcissism.
   
   o NPD rarely comes in its "pure" form. It is almost always co-morbid
   with other disorders (OCD, BPD, HPD, AsPD).
   
  NPD and Neuroses
  
   The differences between PDs and neuroses is that PDs have ALLOPLASTIC
   defences (react to stress by attempting to change the external
   environment or by shifting the blame to it) while neurotics have
   AUTOPLASTIC defences (react to stress by attempting to change their
   internal processes, or assuming blame). The second important
   difference is that PDs TEND to be ego-syntonic (perceived by the
   patient to be acceptable, unobjectionable and part of the self) while
   neurotics tend to be ego-dystonic (the opposite).
   
   This is exactly why PD Clusters were invented in 1987. I, personally,
   as I said, feel that there is a continuum BPD-HPD-NPD-AsPD.
   
   A sense of entitlement, for instance, is common to ALL Cluster B
   disorders. Narcissists almost never act on their suicidal ideation -
   BPDs do so incessantly (cutting - self injury - or mutilation). But
   both tend to become suicidal in crisis.
   
   NPDs can suffer from brief reactive psychoses exactly as BPDs suffer
   from psychotic microepisodes. Actually, there is a whole sub-field in
   psychodynamic theories of narcissism, which tries to explain the
   dynamics of reactive psychoses in pathological narcissism.
   
   There are some differences between NPD and BPD, though:
   
   a. The narcissist is much less impulsive;
   
   b. The narcissist is less self-destructive, rarely self-mutilates, and
   practically never attempts suicide;
   
   c. The narcissist is more stable (reduced emotional lability,
   stability in interpersonal relationships and so on).
   
   Psychopaths or sociopaths are the old names for Antisocial PD. They
   are no longer in use, generally. But, the line between NPD and AsPD is
   very thin. I, personally, believe (especially after my work in prison)
   that AsPD is simply a less inhibited form of NPD and that applying the
   two diagnoses to the same person is superfluous.
   
   The differential diagnoses are nowhere near where they should be
   ideally but are developing by the day. At this stage, diagnosticians
   are in the habit of diagnosing multiple PDs ("co-morbidity"). It is
   extremely rare to diagnose a single pure PD. Some textbooks at home
   which URGE diagnosticians NEVER to render in single diagnosis.
   
  The Hated-Hating Personality Disordered
  
   Personality disordered people are usually hated. One needs only to
   read professional texts to see how despised, derided, hated and
   avoided the personality disordered are even by the therapeutic
   professions. Because many people don't even realise that they suffer
   from a personality disorder - they feel victimised, wronged,
   discriminated against and hopeless. They don't understand why they are
   so hated, avoided and abandoned. They define themselves as victims and
   attribute mental disorders to others ("pathologising").
   
   They employ the primitive defence mechanisms of splitting and
   projection augmented by the more sophisticated mechanism of projective
   identification.
   
   In other words:
   
   They "split-off" from their personality the bad feelings of hating and
   being hated - because they cannot cope with negative feelings.
   
   Then, they project these feelings unto others ("He hates me, I don't
   hate anyone", "I am a good soul, but he is a psychopath", "He is
   stalking me, I just want to stay away from him", "He is a con-artist,
   I am the innocent victim").
   
   Then they FORCE others to behave in a way that JUSTIFIES their
   projections and models (projective identification followed by counter
   projective identification).
   
   Some narcissists, for instance, firmly "believe" that women are evil
   predators, out to suck their lifeblood and then abandon them. So, they
   try and make them fulfil the prophecy. They try and make sure that
   women behave exactly in this manner, that they do not abnegate and
   ruin the model that the narcissist so craftily, so elaborately and so
   studiously designed.
   
   Such narcissists tease women and betray them and bad mouth them and
   taunt them and torment them and stalk them and haunt them and pursue
   them and subjugate them and frustrate them until they do abandon them.
   
   At this stage the narcissist feels vindicated - not realising HIS
   contribution to this recurrent pattern.
   
   The personality disordered are full of negative emotions. They are
   filled to the brim with aggression and its transmutations, hatred and
   pathological envy. They are constantly seething with rage, repressed
   anger, jealousy and other corroding emotions. Unable to release these
   emotions (personality disorders are defence mechanisms against
   "forbidden" emotions) - they split them, project them and force others
   to behave in a way which LEGITIMISES and EXPLAINS these negative
   emotions. "No wonder I hate him so - look what he did to me." The
   personality disordered are doomed to inhabit the land of
   self-inflicted injuries. They generate the very hate that legitimises
   their hate, which generated the hate in the first place.
   
  The Borderline Narcissist - A Psychotic?
  
   Kernberg came up with the borderline diagnosis. It is somewhere
   between psychotic and neurotic (actually between psychotic and the
   personality disordered). The differentiation is this:
   
   o Neurotic - autoplastic defences (something's wrong with me).
   
   o Personality disordered - alloplastic defences (something's wrong
   with the world).
   
   o Psychotics - something's wrong with those who say that something's
   wrong with me.
   
   ALL personality disorders have a clear psychotic streak. Borderlines
   have psychotic episodes. Narcissists react with psychosis to life
   crises and in treatment ("psychotic microepisodes" which can
   last...days!!!).
   
  Narcissism - The Root of All Evil
  
   Pathological narcissism is considered by some to be the phenomenon
   underlying most mental disorders. I describe how pathological
   narcissism develops into various personality disorders in FAQs 41 and
   42. All personality disorders are either variations on a theme or
   appear intermingled. Thus, a SINGLE mental health category with
   different axes and intensities would have been a more appropriate
   ("process-orientated") approach, to my mind.
   
   I think that all Cluster B Personality Disorders (being more mean than
   arrogant, for instance, is called Antisocial Personality Disorder and
   being more haughty than mean is called Narcissistic Personality
   Disorder) are arbitrary points in a continuum.
   
  Masochism and Narcissism
  
   Isn't seeking punishment a form of assertiveness and self-affirmation
   if one is a masochist?
   
   Author Cheryl Glickauf-Hughes, in American Journal of Psychoanalysis,
   June 97, 57:2, pp 141-148:
   
   "Masochists tend to defiantly assert themselves to the narcissistic
   parent in the face of criticism and even abuse. For example, one
   masochistic patient's narcissistic father told him as a child that if
   he said 'one more word' that he would hit him with a belt and the
   patient defiantly responded to his father by saying 'One more word!'
   Thus, what may appear, at times, to be masochistic or self-defeating
   behaviour may also be viewed as self-affirming behaviour on the part
   of the child toward the narcissistic parent."
   
  Narcissists and Sexual Perversions
  
   Narcissism has long been thought to be a form of paraphilia (sexual
   deviation or perversion). It has been closely associated with incest
   (research supports this) and paedophilia (which research does not, as
   yet, support).
   
   Incest might be an AUTOEROTIC act and, therefore, narcissistic.
   
   When a father makes love to his daughter - he is making love to
   himself because she IS 50% himself. It is a form of masturbation and
   reassertion of control over oneself.
   
   Homosexuality is NOT a sexual perversion. I analysed the relationship
   between narcissism and homosexuality in FAQ 8.
   
  Hysteroid Dysphoria
  
   A short dialogue regarding FAQ 10.
   
   XXX: Sam, you're describing here what the empirical-descriptive folks
   have called "hysteroid dysphoria" (among other things).
   
   Sam: No, I am not. I am describing the narcissist's pattern of
   reaction to deficient Narcissistic Supply.
   
   A personality disorder is a COMPLEX of hundreds of separate
   behaviours. Surely, each behaviour pattern taken separately can have a
   different label. Moreover, the same behaviour pattern can (and often
   does) occur in a few mental health disorders. For instance, "hysteroid
   dysphoria" (I am not a fan of this "definition") is also a part of the
   cyclothimic disorder. But, in the CONTEXT of the Narcissistic
   Personality Disorder what I describe in FAQ 10 is one of a group of
   recurrent dysphorias identified as early as 1960.
   
   Additionally, do not forget that the Narcissistic PD has finally
   crystallised as a mental health diagnostic category in 1980.
   "Discoveries" from 1969 - preceding Kohut, Kernberg and even early
   Millon - are absolutely irrelevant in view of today's understanding of
   narcissism.
   
   Below, I outline the differences based on the text you chose.
   
   XXX: It's atypical depression (a specific subtype of non-melancholic
   depression) with narcissistic/histrionic/borderline "personality"
   features. A characterisation [from "Atypical Depression" - Quitkin et
   al - in "Clinical Advances in Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor Therapies",
   Kennedy ed.]: "In 1969, Klein and Davis described a group of patients
   referred to as `hysteroid dysphorics'. These patients were
   characterised by strong desire for attention and applause, positive
   response to amphetamines, and a marked rejection sensitivity
   (especially in romantic contexts)."
   
   Sam: Narcissists do not react only to rejection. They react to any
   input - verbal, nonverbal, social, implied, real or imagined - which
   is deemed by them to be incommensurate with their inflated self-image.
   Often, narcissists react badly to ACCEPTANCE and LOVE rather than to
   rejection because they have a self-image as mean, vicious,
   frightening, etc.
   
   XXX (still quoting): "Leading to frequent depressive episodes."
   
   Sam: The narcissist is mostly ego-syntonic (this is why treatment
   fails in most cases). His dysphorias are so rare and "reactive" (I
   don't find the term "reactive" particularly instructive either) that
   they have been classified and characterised with great ease. He is
   more likely to react with narcissistic rage to rejection of the type
   described above.
   
   XXX: "Features of these depressive episodes frequently included loss
   of ability to anticipate but not experience pleasure."
   
   Sam: One of the major differentiating factors: narcissists do not
   experience serious, prolonged anhedonia. They immediately distort
   cognitive input to fit their self-image (It was discovered that they
   enhance positive inputs rather than reject negative ones).
   
   XXX: "Hyperphagia or craving for sweets."
   
   Sam: Never noted in narcissists - but research is rather lacking, I
   admit.
   
   XXX: "Hypersomnolence, lethargy or inertia, and marked reactivity of
   mood."
   
   Sam: These are classic depressive signs. They describe well a major
   depressive episode, cyclothimia, dysthimia and other types of
   depression.
   
   XXX: "Onset frequently occurred in adolescence without a history of
   adequate premorbid functioning."
   
   Sam: Onset of narcissism AND its dyphorias is at age 2-4. Klein talks
   about age 6 months and she has a depressive construct [see FAQ 38].
   
   True, the PD itself sets on in early adolescence.
   
   XXX: Another interesting feature is, in addition to the general
   hyperphagia, specific cravings for chocolate (and amphetamines). There
   is a link to family history of alcoholism (not necessarily in the
   family of origin). It's thought to be related to a dysregulation in
   the systems governing reward.
   
   Sam: No such connections have been discovered in research. Narcissists
   are often prone to substance abuse, though (dual diagnosis).
   
   XXX: Personally I don't think it's useful to label these folks as
   personality-disordered ("especially" narcissistic), as it tends to
   stigmatise them, as well as depriving them of potentially useful
   medical interventions (response rates to MAOIs, for example, are
   comparable to those of melancholic depressives). I'm sure that a lot
   of them do have chaotic childhoods, but then again, a lot of people
   with chaotic childhoods DON'T grow up to become hysteroid dysphorics,
   so there has to be more to it than just that, even if it does play
   some role. The use of the word "hysteroid" emphasises this - it LOOKS
   like what we assume is a "personality" disorder, but it isn't safe to
   assume that it IS a PD.
   
   Sam: No one diagnoses someone as a narcissist just because he is sad.
   
   FAQ 10 that you are referring to is one of many FAQs. Narcissism is a
   hypercomplex phenomenon.
   
   I didn't suggest that anyone who matches FAQ 10 is a narcissist
   (=didn't label and stigmatise them, though I do not regard a mental
   health diagnosis as a stigma) - I suggested that many narcissists
   match the behaviours described in FAQ 10.
   
  The Inverted Narcissist - A Masochist?
  
   The "inverted narcissist" (IN) is described in great detail in FAQ 37.
   
   The IN is much closer to being a co-dependent than a masochist.
   
   Masochism is a whole different ballgame. Strictly speaking it is only
   of a sexual nature (as in sado-masochism). But the colloquial term
   means "seeking gratification through pain".
   
   This is not the case with co-dependents or IN. The latter is a
   specific variant of codependent that derives gratification from a
   relationship with a narcissist or an Antisocial Personality Disordered
   partner. But the gratification has nothing to do with the (very real)
   emotional (and, at times, physical) pain inflicted upon the IN.
   
   Rather, in the case of the IN, the gratification has to do with
   shadows of the past re-awakened. In the narcissist, the IN feels that
   he found a lost parent. The IN seeks to re-enact old unresolved
   conflicts through the agency of the narcissist. There is a latent hope
   that this time, the IN will get it "right", that THIS emotional
   liaison or interaction will not end in bitter disappointment and
   lasting agony.
   
   Yet, by choosing a narcissist, the IN ensures an identical outcome of
   his relationships time and again. Why should one elect to FAIL in his
   or her relationships, is an intriguing question. Partly, it is the
   comfort of familiarity. The IN is used - since childhood - to failing
   relationships. It seems that the IN prefers predictability to
   emotional gratification and to personal development. There are also
   strong elements of self-punishment and self-destruction added to the
   combustible mix that is the dyad narcissist-inverted narcissist.
   
  NPD, AsPD
  
   The important differences between narcissism and the Antisocial
   Personality Disorder (AsPD or psychopaths, in the old terminology)
   are:
   
   o Inability or unwillingness to control impulses (AsPD);
   
   o Enhanced lack of empathy on the part of the AsPD;
   
   o Inability to form relationships with other humans, not even the
   narcissistically twisted types of relationships;
   
   o Total disregard for society, its conventions, social cues and social
   treaties.
   
   As opposed to what Scott Peck says, narcissists are not evil - they
   lack the intention to cause harm.
   
   They are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their conduct and
   in their treatment of their fellow humans.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 43
   
                      Eating Disorders and the Narcissist
                                       
   Question: Do narcissists also suffer from eating disorders such as
   bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa?
   
   Answer: Patients suffering from eating disorders binge on food and
   sometimes are both anorectic and bulimic. This is an impulsive
   behaviour as defined by the DSM (particularly in the case of BPD and
   to a lesser extent of Cluster B disorders in general). Some patients
   adopt these disorders as a way to self-mutilate. It is a convergence
   of two pathological behaviours: self-mutilation and an impulsive
   (rather, compulsive or ritualistic) behaviour.
   
   The key to improving the mental state of patients with dual diagnosis
   (a personality disorder plus an eating disorder) lies in concentrating
   upon their eating and sleeping disorders. In my view, these disorders
   are a blessing in disguise.
   
   By controlling their eating disorders, patients assert control over
   their lives. This is bound to reduce their depression (even eliminate
   it altogether as a constant feature of their mental life). This is
   likely to ameliorate other facets of their personality disorders. Here
   is the chain: controlling one's eating disorders  controlling one's
   life  a sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem  a
   challenge, an interest, an enemy to subjugate  a feeling of strength
    socialising  feeling better.
   
   When a patient has a personality disorder and an eating disorder, the
   therapist should concentrate on the eating disorder. Personality
   disorders are intricate and intractable. They are rarely curable
   (though certain aspects, like OCD, or depression can be ameliorated
   with medication). Their treatment calls for the enormous, persistent
   and continuous investment of resources of every kind by everyone
   involved. From the patient's point of view, the treatment of her
   personality disorder is not an efficient allocation of scarce mental
   resources. Also personality disorders are not the real threat. If a
   patient with a personality disorder is cured of it but her eating
   disorders are aggravated, she might die (though mentally healthy)...
   
   An eating disorder is both a signal of distress ("I wish to die, I
   feel so bad, somebody help me") and a message: "I think I lost
   control. I am very afraid of losing control. I will control my food
   intake and discharge. This way I control at least ONE aspect of my
   life."
   
   This is where we can and should begin to help the patient. Help him to
   regain control. The family or other supporting figures must think what
   they can do to make the patient feel that he is in control, that he
   manages things his own way, that he is contributing, has his own
   schedules, his own agenda, possesses both authority and
   responsibility.
   
   Eating disorders indicate the strong combined activity of an
   underlying sense of lack of personal autonomy and an underlying sense
   of lack of self-control. The patient feels inordinately, paralysingly
   helpless and ineffective. His eating disorders are an effort to exert
   and reassert mastery over his own life. At this stage, he is unable to
   differentiate his own feelings and needs from those of others. His
   cognitive and perceptual distortions (for instance, regarding body
   image - somatoform disorders) only increase his feeling of personal
   ineffectiveness and his need to exercise even more self-control (of
   his diet, the only thing left).
   
   The patient does not trust himself AT ALL, not in the slightest. He is
   his worst enemy, a mortal enemy, and he knows it. Therefore, any
   efforts to collaborate with HIM against his disorder - are perceived
   by him as collaboration with his worst enemy against his only mode of
   controlling his life to some extent.
   
   The patient views the world in terms of black and white, of absolutes.
   So, he cannot let go even to a very small degree. He is HORRIFIED -
   constantly. This is why he finds it impossible to form relationships:
   he mistrusts (himself and by extension others), he does not want to
   become an adult, he does not enjoy sex or love (which both entail a
   modicum of a loss of control). All this leads to a chronic absence of
   self-esteem. These patients like their disorder. Their eating disorder
   is their only achievement in life. Otherwise they are ashamed of
   themselves and disgusted by their shortcomings (expressed through
   shame and disgust directed at their bodies).
   
   There is a chance to cure the patient of his eating disorders (though
   the dual diagnosis of eating disorder and personality disorder has a
   poor prognosis). This - and ONLY this - must be done at the first
   stage. The patient's family or closest should consider therapy AND
   support groups (the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous or a 12 step
   program for eating disorders). Recovery prognosis is good after 2
   years of treatment and support. The family must be heavily involved in
   the therapeutic process. Family dynamics usually contribute to the
   development of such disorders.
   
   Medication + cognitive or behavioural therapy + psychodynamic therapy
   + family therapy ought to do it.
   
   The change in the patient IF the treatment of his eating disorders is
   successful is VERY MARKED. His major depression disappears together
   with his sleeping disorders. He becomes socially active again and gets
   a life. His personality disorder might make it difficult for him -
   but, in isolation, without the exacerbating circumstances of his other
   disorders, he finds it much easier to cope with.
   
   Patients with eating disorders may be in mortal danger. Their
   behaviour is ruining their bodies relentlessly and inexorably. They
   might attempt suicide. They might do drugs. It is only a question of
   time. Our goal is to buy them time. The older they get, the more
   experienced they become, the more their body chemistry changes with
   age - the better their prognosis.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 48
   
                        How to Recognise a Narcissist?
                                       
   Question: How to recognise a narcissist before it is "too late"?
   
   Answer: Many of my correspondents complain of the incredible deceptive
   powers of the narcissist. They found themselves involved with
   narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they had a
   chance to discover his true character. Shocked by the later discovery,
   they mourn their inabilities: their current inability to separate from
   him and their past inability to see through him. Narcissists are
   perceived as such only post facto and when it is too late.
   
   There is no need to rehash the classic symptoms of the narcissistic
   personality.
   
   These are enumerated in the DSM-IV and are studied at length in this
   book. We are evidently looking for the more subtle, almost subliminal,
   signals that a narcissist emits. The psychotherapist would be looking
   for the "presenting symptoms".
   
   One should look for the following:
   
   "Haughty" body language - A physical posture implying and exuding an
   air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
   indifference, etc. Rarely does the narcissist engage in eye contact
   and normally he refrains from bodily contact, physical proximity, or
   from engaging in a discussion unless from a state of condescension,
   faked "magnanimity and largesse". He rarely mingles socially and
   prefers to adopt the stance of the "observer" or the "lone wolf".
   
   Entitlement markers - The narcissist immediately asks for "special
   treatment" of some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a
   shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures
   (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to have special payment
   terms, custom tailored arrangements, special attention by the head
   waiter in a restaurant and so on. He reacts with rage and indignantly
   if denied his wishes.
   
   Idealisation or devaluation - The narcissist instantly idealises or
   devalues, depending on his appraisal of the potential one has as a
   Narcissistic Supply Source. He IMMEDIATELY flatters, adores, admires
   and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse
   manner - or sulk, abuse and humiliate. In the second case
   (devaluation) he may force himself to be polite (because of the
   presence of a potential Supply Source). But this is bound to be a
   barbed sort of politeness, which rapidly deteriorates and degenerates
   into verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold
   detachment, totally out of the control of the narcissist.
   
   The "membership" posture - The narcissist always tries to "belong".
   Yet, at the very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider.
   The narcissist seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate and
   ingratiate himself without the efforts commensurate with such an
   undertaking. For instance: if he talks to a psychologist, the
   narcissist makes clear that he never studied psychology and then
   proceed to use the most obscure professional jargon, in an effort to
   prove that he mastered the discipline (i.e., that he is exceptionally
   intelligent or introspective). In general, the narcissist always
   prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods of
   exposing a narcissist is by trying to go deeper and discuss
   substantial matters. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to
   be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack
   of all knowledge. A narcissist will never admit to ignorance IN ANY
   FIELD!
   
   Bragging and false autobiography - The narcissist brags. His speech is
   peppered with "I", "my", "myself", "mine" and other appropriating
   linguistic structures. He describes himself as intelligent, or rich,
   or modest, or intuitive, or creative - but always excessively and
   extraordinarily so. One is almost tempted to say, inhumanly so. His
   biography sounds implausibly rich and complex. His achievements -
   incommensurate with his age, education, or recognition. His actual
   state always appears evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his
   claims. Very often, the narcissist lies or fantasises in a manner very
   easy to discern. He always name-drops.
   
   Emotion-free language - The narcissist likes to talk about himself and
   only about himself. He is disinterested in what others have to tell
   him about themselves. He might pretend to be interested - but this is
   only with a potential Source of Supply and in order to obtain said
   supply. He acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels intrusion
   and abuse of his precious time. In general, the narcissist is a very
   impatient person, easily bored, with strong attention deficits -
   unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can discuss all
   the aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist, providing the
   discourse is not "emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to
   his emotions, he will, probably, intellectualise, rationalise, speak
   about himself in the third body and in a detached "scientific" tone or
   write a short story with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously
   autobiographical.
   
   Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion - The narcissist is
   dead serious about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humour,
   scathing and cynical. But he never appreciates it when this weapon is
   directed at him. The narcissist regards himself as being on a constant
   mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.
   If a scientist - he is always in the throes of revolutionising
   science. If a journalist - he is in the middle of the greatest story
   ever. This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or
   self-deprecation. The narcissist is easily hurt and insulted
   (narcissist hurt or narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous
   remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
   coercive. His time is more valuable than others' - therefore, it
   cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse.
   Any suggestion to help, any advice or concerned inquiry are
   immediately interpreted as coercion. Any attempt to set an agenda - as
   an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the narcissist is
   both schizoid and paranoid.
   
   These - the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain and sense of
   entitlement, the restricted application of his sense of humour, the
   unequal treatment and paranoia - make the narcissist a social misfit.
   The narcissist is able to provoke in his social milieu, in his casual
   acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the strongest, most avid
   and furious hatred and revulsion. He provokes violence, often not
   knowing why. He is perceived to be asocial at best (often -
   antisocial). This, perhaps, is the strongest presenting symptom. One
   feels ill at ease in the presence of a narcissist - and rarely knows
   why. No matter how charming, intelligent, thought provoking, outgoing,
   easy going and social the narcissist is - he forever fails to secure
   the sympathy of his fellow humans, a sympathy he is never ready,
   willing, or able to grant them in the first place.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 56
   
                         The Narcissist in a Workplace
                                       
   Question: The narcissist turns the workplace into a duplicitous hell.
   What to do?
   
   Answer: To a narcissist-employer, the members of his "staff" are
   Secondary Sources of Narcissistic Supply. Their role is to accumulate
   the supply (in human speak, remember events that support the grandiose
   self-image of the narcissist) and to regulate the Narcissistic Supply
   of the narcissist during dry spells (simply put, to adulate, adore,
   admire, agree, provide attention and approval and so on or, in other
   words, be an audience). The staff (or should we say "stuff"?) is
   supposed to remain passive. The narcissist is not interested in
   anything but the simplest function of mirroring. When the mirror
   acquires a personality and a life of its own, the narcissist is
   incensed. When independent minded, an employee might be in danger of
   being sacked by his employer (an act which demonstrates the employer's
   omnipotence).
   
   The employee's presumption to be the employer's equal (friendship is
   possible only among equals) injures the latter narcissistically. The
   employer is willing to accept his employees as underlings, whose very
   position serves to support his grandiose fantasies. But the
   grandiosity rests on such fragile foundations, that any hint of
   equality, disagreement or need (that the narcissist "needs" friends,
   for instance) threatens the narcissist profoundly. The narcissist is
   exceedingly insecure. It is easy to destabilise his impromptu
   "personality". His reactions are merely in self-defence.
   
   Classic narcissistic behaviour is when idealisation is followed by
   devaluation. The devaluing attitude develops as a result of
   disagreements OR simply because time has eroded the employee's
   capacity to serve as a FRESH Source of Supply.
   
   The employee, taken for granted by the narcissistic employer, becomes
   uninspiring as a source of adulation, admiration and attention. The
   narcissist always seeks new thrills and stimuli.
   
   The narcissist is notorious for his low threshold of resistance to
   boredom. His behaviour is impulsive and his biography tumultuous
   precisely because of his need to introduce uncertainty and risk to
   what he regards as "stagnation" or "slow death" (i.e., routine). Most
   interactions in the workplace are part of the rut - and thus
   constitute a reminder of this routine - deflating the narcissist's
   grandiose fantasies.
   
   Narcissists do many unnecessary, wrong and even dangerous things in
   pursuit of the stabilisation of their inflated self-image.
   
   Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy, or by the constant reminders
   of the REAL, nitty-gritty world. It reduces them, makes them realise
   the Grandiosity Gap (between their self-image and reality). It is a
   threat to the precarious balance of their personality structures
   (mostly "false", that is, invented) and treated as such.
   
   Narcissists forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in
   cognitive dissonance. They "pathologise" the other, foster feelings of
   guilt and shame in her, demean, debase and humiliate in order to
   preserve their sense of grandiosity.
   
   Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because
   their very self is FALSE, an invention.
   
   Here are a few useful guidelines:
   
   o Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
   
   o Never offer him any intimacy;
   
   o Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his
   professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with
   women and so on);
   
   o Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow
   to his sense of grandiosity ("These are the BEST art materials ANY
   workplace is going to have", "We get them EXCLUSIVELY", etc.);
   
   o Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge
   on his self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills,
   capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences
   start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you
   don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you
   cannot ... you should ... (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists
   react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never
   mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity,
   narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their
   internalisation processes were derailed and they did not differentiate
   properly)..." You get the gist of it.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 67
   
                            Vindictive Narcissists
                                       
   Question: Are narcissists vindictive? Do they stalk and harass?
   
   Answer: Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and
   harass.
   
   Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive
   narcissists:
   
  I. To Frighten Them
  
   Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression,
   envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a
   result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening
   the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If
   sufficiently deterred - the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up
   everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends.
   
   To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and
   susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating
   blows at them - until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.
   
   Example:
   
   If a narcissist is hiding a personal fact - one should use this to
   threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious
   witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist
   has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest.
   
   The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice,
   in child abuse, in infidelity - there are so many possibilities, which
   offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-committally,
   gradually, in an escalating manner - the narcissist crumbles,
   disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the
   hope of avoiding hurt and pain. Most narcissists have been known to
   disown and abandon a whole PNS (Pathological Narcissistic Space) in
   response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, a
   narcissist may leave town, change a job, desert a field of
   professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances - only to
   secure a cessation of the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his
   victims.
   
   I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the
   narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by
   horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The
   narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.
   
   You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an
   ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist
   will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark,
   generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear.
   
   Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally,
   preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad
   daylight. If done in the wrong way - they might constitute extortion
   or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
   
  II. To Lure Them
  
   The other way to neutralise a vindictive narcissist is to offer him
   continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you.
   Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply - the narcissist
   immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly
   takes over his "property" and "territory". Under the influence of
   Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being
   manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS
   sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering,
   withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply
   (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 69
   
                        How to Cope with a Narcissist?
                                       
   No one bears any responsibility whatsoever for the narcissist's
   predicament. To him, others hardly exist - so enmeshed he is in
   himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation.
   Others are hangers on which he hangs the clothes of wrath, of rage, of
   suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, of ill disguised
   violence. How should the persons nearest and dearest to the narcissist
   cope with his eccentric vagaries?
   
   The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon
   him. The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If
   you don't do something or if you do it - I will desert you"). It is
   sufficient to confront the narcissist, to insist, to shout back. The
   narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate
   others. The spectre of being abandoned looms large over everything
   else. Every discordant note assumes the monstrous attributes of
   solitude, abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his self.
   The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatised by the
   behaviour of the most important adults in his life: his parents. By
   being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgemental - they
   moulded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to
   recreate the trauma (repetition complex). Thus, on the one hand, the
   narcissist feels that his liberation depends upon re-living these
   experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect.
   Realising that he is doomed to go through the same harrowing
   experience over and over again, the narcissist distances himself from
   the scene of his own pending emotional catastrophe. He does this by
   using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be
   emotionally absent. This behaviour brings about the very consequences
   that the narcissist so derides. But, this way, at least, the
   narcissist can tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who
   controlled the events, that it was truly fully his choice and that he
   was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons,
   the narcissist has no choice to talk about.
   
   The narcissist is, therefore, a binary human being: the carrot is the
   stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he
   fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances
   himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he
   feared in the first place. In this paradox lies the key to coping with
   the narcissist: if he has a rage attack - rage back. This will provoke
   in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so
   total that it might seem unbelievable. Narcissists are known for these
   sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behaviour patterns.
   
   Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens
   - threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content.
   If he leaves the house - leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is
   suspicious - act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go
   down to his level - because that is where he permanently is. Faced
   with his mirror image - the narcissist always recoils.
   
   We must not forget: the narcissist does all these things to foster and
   encourage abandonment. When mirrored, the narcissist dreads imminent
   and impending abandonment, which is the inevitable result of his
   actions and words. This prospect so terrifies him - that it induces in
   him an incredible alteration of his behaviour. He instantly succumbs
   and tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical
   and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even
   loving, the sort of fuzzy, engulfing emotion that we feel on a
   particularly good or successful day).
   
   The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your own
   life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an
   absolute prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a
   narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which
   reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks.
   Who deserves such a sacrifice?
   
   No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming,
   breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and
   underneath them a monster lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the
   cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it for
   the worse.
   
   Others delineate a more sweeping dichotomous strategy. Both
   philosophically and pragmatically, we cannot and should not assume
   responsibility for other people and their lives. Narcissists are
   incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Trying to change
   them is a bad strategy. The two viable strategies are either to accept
   them as they are or to avoid them altogether. If one accepts a
   narcissist as he is - one should cater to his needs. His needs are
   part of what he is. Would you have ignored a physical handicap? Would
   you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The narcissist is an emotional
   invalid. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it. So, if one
   chooses to accept him - it is a package deal, all his needs included.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 70
   
                             Narcissists and Women
                                       
   Question: Do narcissists hate women?
   
   Answer: Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The
   cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have
   to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic
   narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining
   Narcissistic Supply.
   
   Moreover, many narcissists tend to engage in FRUSTRATING behaviours
   towards women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and
   then leave them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so
   on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiance/spouse
   (or boyfriend/etc. - male and female are interchangeable in my texts)
   as the "reason" why they cannot have sex/develop a relationship. But
   this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving
   sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically
   frustrate the interested party.
   
   BUT
   
   This pertains ONLY to cerebral narcissists, but NOT to somatic
   narcissists and HPDs (Histrionic Personality Disorder) who use their
   BODY, sex and seduction/flirtation to extract Narcissistic Supply from
   others.
   
   Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere Sources
   of SNS (Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman's chores are to
   accumulate past NS and release it in an orderly manner, so as to
   regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. Otherwise, cerebral
   narcissists are not interested in women. Most of them are non-sexual
   (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in
   contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them.
   Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to
   perform these functions. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness,
   self-contempt ("How come I am dependent on this inferior woman") and
   contempt directed at the woman. Hence the abuse. When Primary NS is
   available - the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would reluctantly
   pay the premium of an insurance policy.
   
   The narcissist does regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to
   be a Source of Narcissistic Supply.
   
   It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and it allows
   him to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviours (=being a
   narcissist through others, transforming others into tools at the
   service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by
   employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification. Many
   of my FAQs and the Essay are dedicated to these issues.
   
   To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS) is ANY kind of NS
   provided by others who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others.
   Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests -
   are all forms of NS.
   
   Secondary NS (SNS) emanates from people who are in CONSTANT,
   repetitive or continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the
   important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic
   regulation, among others. [See the Essay for more.]
   
   The narcissist believes that being in love IS actually going through
   the motions and pretending. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.
   
   He says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and
   tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a
   mixture of hunter and parasite."
   
   Most male narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped
   creation of a woman. A woman gave birth to them and moulded them into
   what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are
   angry at this woman and, by implication, mad at all women.
   
   The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and
   multi-layered but it can be summarised using four axes:
   
   1. The Holy Whore
   
   2. The Hunter Parasite
   
   3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
   
   4. Uniqueness Roles
   
   The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it
   difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable",
   "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate
   girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather
   than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is reserved to "whores"
   (all other women in the world). This division provides for a
   resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...",
   "I don't need anyone but..."). It also legitimises his sadistic urges
   (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty"
   inflicted on female "transgressors"). It also tallies well with the
   frequent idealisation-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through.
   The idealised females are sexless, the devalued ones - "deserving" of
   their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows
   thereafter.
   
   The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men and
   that this is almost a genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels
   threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an
   intellectualisation of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things:
   the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this
   irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make
   them, to his mind, ominous. This is a small detail in a larger canvass
   of "pathologising" others as a means of controlling them. According to
   the narcissist's scenario, once the prey is secured - the woman
   assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She absconds with the
   narcissist's sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and
   nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to
   cater to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put
   differently, she is a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to
   suck dry every man she finds and tarantula-like decapitate them once
   no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does
   to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.
   
   Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male
   does (even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in
   the narcissist's life - humbling a woman in acts of faintly
   sado-masochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother). But he is
   frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them, by
   their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration
   (real or attributed) and by their sexuality. Their incessant demands
   for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat. He recoils instead of
   getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also despises and derides sex,
   as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition
   complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious
   at the source of his frustration. Some of them set out to do some
   frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they
   pretend to be non-sexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather
   cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.
   
   Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the
   desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a
   feeling of omnipotence and with the pleasing realisation of
   malevolence. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually - and
   engage in frustrating significant women in their lives both sexually
   and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and
   then discard them. The emotional background is identical. While the
   cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention - the somatic
   narcissist penalises through excess.
   
   The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and
   is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and
   pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks
   confirmation from others that he IS special - in other words that he
   IS. Women threaten this. Sex is "bestial" and "common". There is
   nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women are perceived by the
   narcissist to be dragging him to their level, the level of the lowest
   common denominator of intimacy, sex and human emotions. Everybody and
   anybody can feel, copulate and breed. There is nothing to set the
   narcissist apart and above others in these activities. And yet women
   seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist
   emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his mother by
   other means and in different guises.
   
   The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and
   uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of
   mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how
   to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their
   hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a
   terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true narcissist.
   
   To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists
   are atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and
   sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily
   routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions,
   moodiness and rage. The narcissist rails against slights true and
   imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his
   only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference.
   
   Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissist's social circle dwindles and
   then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some extent. A
   schizoid is not a misanthrope. He does not necessarily hate people -
   he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a
   nuisance to be minimised.
   
   The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain Narcissistic Supply
   (monopolised by human beings) - and his fervent wish to be left alone.
   This wish is peppered with contempt and feelings of superiority.
   
   There are fundamental conflicts between dependence and contempt,
   neediness and devaluation, seeking and avoiding, turning on the charm
   to attract adulation and being engulfed by wrathful reactions to the
   most minuscule "provocations". These conflicts lead to rapid cycling
   between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.
   
   Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering atmosphere is
   hardly conducive to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct.
   Relationships are hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches
   to a non-sexual co-habitation.
   
   But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one
   hand of the equation. The other hand is the woman herself.
   
   As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but
   simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them.
   They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the
   narcissist probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such an
   instant explanation does the subject great injustice.
   
   Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are
   perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of
   the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy.
   Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional
   sustenance.
   
   Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are they
   angry with their parents for crippling them so?
   
   To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no
   way they can answer them. Narcissists never love. They do not know
   what is it that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the
   outside, love seems to them to be a risible pathology. They equate
   love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise
   weak people (and, therefore, the very old and the very young). They do
   not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and
   dependence - and love seems to encompass all three. These are not sour
   grapes. They really feel this way.
   
   Narcissists are angry men - but not because they never experienced
   love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as
   powerful, awe inspiring and successful as they wish they were and, to
   their mind, deserve to be. Because their daydreams refuse so
   stubbornly to come true. Because they are their worst enemy. And
   because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they see adversaries plotting
   everywhere and feel discriminated against and contemptuously ignored.
   
   Many of them (the borderline narcissists) cannot conceive of a life in
   one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same
   field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is
   death. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its
   daunting prospect, they inject drama into their life, or even danger.
   This is the only way some of them can feel alive.
   
   The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on
   which to base a family, or future plans.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 71
   
                   The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist
                                       
   Question: What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted
   to a narcissist?
   
   Answer:
   
  The Victims
  
   On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who
   typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and
   sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in
   love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face - the
   other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process
   occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the
   test.
   
   Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often
   harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates,
   therefore, the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or,
   more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical
   Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.
   
   First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or
   a distorted grasp of his self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he)
   is bound to abandon the narcissist's grip early on. The cognitive
   distortion is likely to consist of a belittling and demeaning of the
   partner - while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The partner
   is, thus, placing himself in the position of the eternal victim:
   undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important
   to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other
   times, she is not even aware of his predicament. The narcissist is
   perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand
   these sacrifices from the partner, superior in many ways
   (intellectually, emotionally, morally, financially).
   
   The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's
   tendency to punish his self, namely: with his masochistic streak. The
   torment, which is life with a narcissist is, as far as the partner is
   aware, a just punitive measure.
   
   In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By
   maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally
   dependent upon the source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist
   most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) - the partner
   enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are
   at the very core of narcissism. The narcissist is never whole without
   an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very
   sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His
   sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist (in whom
   it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner, thus finally
   obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.
   
   It is through self-denial that the partner survives. She denies her
   wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual needs, psychological needs,
   material needs, and much else besides. She perceives her needs as
   threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's
   God-like supreme figure. The narcissist is rendered even more superior
   through and because of this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to
   facilitate and ease the life of a "great man" is more palatable. The
   "greater" the man (=the narcissist), the easier it is for the partner
   to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an
   appendix of the narcissist and, finally, to become nothing but an
   extension, to merge with the narcissist to the point of oblivion and
   of dim memories of one's self.
   
   The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The narcissist is formed by
   his partner inasmuch as he forms her. Submission breeds superiority
   and masochism breeds sadism. The relationships are characterised by
   rampant emergentism: roles are allocated almost from the start and any
   deviation meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction.
   
   The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion. Even
   the most basic relationships - with husband, children, or parents -
   remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadows cast by the intensive
   interaction with the narcissist. A suspension of judgement is part and
   parcel of a suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite
   to and the result of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer
   knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden. The
   narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambience
   that led to his own formation in the first place: capriciousness,
   fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual)
   abandonment. The world becomes uncertain and frightening and the
   partner has only one sure thing to cling to: the narcissist.
   
   And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be said
   about those who emotionally team up with narcissists, it is that they
   are overtly and overly dependent, even compulsively so.
   
   The partner doesn't know what to do - and this is only too natural in
   the mayhem that is the relationship with the narcissist is. But the
   typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large
   extent, who she is and what she wants to become.
   
   These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge
   reality, evaluate and appraise it for what it is. Her primordial sin
   is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It is
   the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends.
   
   The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very
   emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of
   humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the
   functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the
   tyranny of the narcissist.
   
   The partner is liable to have totally misread and misinterpreted the
   whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of
   proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled
   "pathological".
   
   Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong her pain? What is the
   source and purpose of this masochistic streak? Upon the break-up of
   the relationship, the partner (and the narcissist) engage in a
   tortuous and drawn out post mortem. But the question who really did
   what to whom (and even why) is irrelevant. What is relevant is to stop
   mourning oneself (this is what the parties are really mourning), start
   smiling again and love in a less subservient, hopeless, and
   pain-inflicting manner.
   
  The Abuse
  
   Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality
   Disorder.
   
   The narcissist idealises and then DEVALUES and discards the object of
   his initial idealisation. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse.
   ALL narcissists idealise and then devalue. This is THE core of
   pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults,
   demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All
   these are forms of abuse.
   
   There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is
   tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an
   instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect
   privacy, to be brutally honest, or consistently tactless - is to
   abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of
   abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse,
   sexual abuse. The list is long. Narcissists are masters of abusing
   surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live
   with one in order to witness the abuse.
   
   There are three important categories of abuse:
   
   1. Overt Abuse - The open and explicit abuse of another person.
   Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning,
   chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent
   treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse,
   physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
   
   2. Covert or Controlling Abuse - Narcissism is almost entirely about
   control. It is a primitive and immature reaction to life's
   circumstances in which the narcissist (usually in his childhood) was
   rendered helpless. It is about re-asserting one's identity,
   re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and
   physical.
   
   3. The bulk of narcissistic behaviours can be traced to this panicky
   reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Narcissists are
   hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to
   lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning.
   They are obsessive-compulsive in their efforts to subdue their
   physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and
   harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of
   narcissistic control.
   
   But why the panic?
   
   The narcissist is a solipsist. He carries the whole universe in his
   mind. To him, nothing exists except himself. Meaningful others are his
   extensions, assimilated by him, internal objects - not external ones.
   Thus, losing control of a significant other - is equivalent to the
   loss of control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. It is
   paradigm-shattering.
   
   Independent or disobedient people evoke in the narcissist the
   realisation that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not
   the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what,
   to him, are internal representations.
   
   To the narcissist, losing control means going insane. Because other
   people are mere elements in the narcissist's mind - being unable to
   manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you
   suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or
   control your thoughts... Nightmarish!
   
   Moreover, it is often only through manipulation and extortion that the
   narcissist can secure his Narcissistic Supply. Controlling his Sources
   of Narcissistic Supply is a (mental) life or death question for the
   narcissist. The narcissist is a drug addict (his drug being the NS)
   and he would go to any length to obtain the next dose.
   
   In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the
   narcissist resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and
   mechanisms. Here is a partial list:
   
    Unpredictability
    
   The narcissist acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and
   irrationally. This serves to demolish in others their carefully
   crafted worldview. They become dependent upon the next twist and turn
   of the narcissist, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst,
   denial, or smile. Because he is assumed to be the only one intimately
   acquainted with his self - he becomes the source of certitude and
   veracity. In other words: the narcissist makes sure that HE is the
   only reliable existence in the lives of others - by shattering the
   rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He
   guarantees his stable presence in their lives - by destabilising their
   own.
   
   In the absence of a self, there are no likes or dislikes, preferences,
   predictable behaviour or characteristics. It is not possible to know
   the narcissist. There is no one there.
   
   The narcissist was conditioned - from an early age of abuse and trauma
   - to expect the unexpected. His was a world in motion where (sometimes
   sadistically) capricious caretakers and peers often engaged in
   arbitrary behaviour. He was trained to deny his True Self and nurture
   a False one.
   
   Having invented himself, the narcissist sees no problem in
   re-inventing that which he designed in the first place. The narcissist
   is his own creator.
   
   Hence his grandiosity.
   
   Moreover, the narcissist is a man for all seasons, forever adaptable,
   constantly imitating and emulating, a human sponge, a perfect mirror,
   a non-entity that is, at the same time, all entities combined. The
   narcissist is best described by Heidegger's phrase: "Being and
   Nothingness". Into this reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole,
   the narcissist attracts the sources of his Narcissistic Supply.
   
   To an observer, the narcissist appears to be fractured or
   discontinuous.
   
   Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative Identity
   Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder). By definition,
   the narcissist has at least two selves. His personality is very
   primitive and disorganised. Living with a narcissist is a nauseating
   experience not only because of what he is - but because of what he is
   NOT. He is not a fully formed human - but a dizzyingly kaleidoscopic
   gallery of mercurial images, which melt into each other seamlessly. It
   is incredibly disorienting.
   
   It is also exceedingly problematic. Promises made by the narcissist
   are easily disowned by him. His plans are ephemeral. His emotional
   ties - a simulacrum. Most narcissists have one island of stability in
   their life (spouse, family, their career, a hobby, their religion,
   country, or idol) - pounded by the turbulent currents of a dishevelled
   existence.
   
   Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and
   meaningless activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new beginning,
   a hunt, a new cycle of idealisation or devaluation, a newly invented
   self. There is no accumulation of credits or goodwill because the
   narcissist has no past and no future. He occupies an eternal and
   timeless present. He is a fossil caught in the frozen lava of a
   volcanic childhood.
   
   The narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws,
   regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.
   
    Disproportional Reactions
    
   One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the narcissist's arsenal
   is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme
   rage to the slightest slight. He punishes severely for what he
   perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. He throws
   a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and
   considerately expressed. Or he may act inordinately attentive,
   charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be). This
   ever-shifting conduct coupled with the inordinately harsh and
   arbitrarily applied "penal code" are both designed by the narcissist
   and remain inaccessible to the "offenders". Neediness and dependence
   on the source of all justice meted - on the narcissist - are thus
   guaranteed.
   
    Dehumanisation and Objectification (Abuse)
    
   People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
   good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying people -
   the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social treaty. This
   is the "alien" aspect of narcissists - they may be excellent
   imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally
   non-existent, or, at best, immature.
   
   This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people
   recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down,
   that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the narcissist's
   control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all
   forms of dehumanisation and objectification.
   
    Abuse of Information
    
   From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the
   narcissist is on the prowl. He collects information with the intention
   of applying it later to extract Narcissistic Supply. The more he knows
   about his potential Source of Supply - the better able he is to
   coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The
   narcissist does not hesitate to abuse the information he gleaned,
   regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he
   obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armoury.
   
    Impossible Situations
    
   The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
   unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely and
   indispensably needed. The narcissist, his knowledge, his skills or his
   traits become the only ones applicable, or the most useful to
   resolving them. It is a form of control by proxy.
   
    Control by Proxy
    
   If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates,
   family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours - in short,
   third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
   threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate
   and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware
   instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He
   employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props
   unceremoniously when the job is done.
   
   Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which
   abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted
   scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as well as social
   sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment).
   Society, or a social group become the instruments of the narcissist.
   
    Ambient Abuse
    
   The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
   intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are
   no acts of traceable or provable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative
   settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable
   foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called
   "gas-lighting". In the long-term, such an environment erodes one's
   sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly.
   Often, the victims adopt a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus render
   themselves exposed even more to criticism and judgement. The roles are
   thus reversed: the victim is considered the mentally disordered
   component of the dyad and the narcissist - the suffering soul.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 75
   
                         The Narcissist and His Family
                                       
   Question: Is there a "typical" relationship between the narcissist and
   his family?
   
   Answer: We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one
   that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer
   hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage
   - from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.
   
   The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either
   Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued)
   or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless,
   devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from
   himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration,
   adoration, attention - in other words, externalised Ego boundary
   functions. He does not require - nor does he seek - his parents' or
   his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as
   the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to
   impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire
   them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He
   emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every
   means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological
   liars - their very self is a false one). He plays the pitiful, or, its
   opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with
   outstanding intellectual, or physical (or anything else appreciated by
   the members of the family) capacities and achievements. When
   confronted with (young) siblings or with his own children, the
   narcissist is likely to undergo three reactive phases:
   
   At first, he perceives his offspring as a threat to his Narcissistic
   Supply Sources (his turf, the Pathological Narcissistic Space). He
   does his best to belittle them, hurt (also physically) and humiliate
   them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter
   productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A
   period of emotional absence and detachment ensues. The narcissist
   indulges himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of
   future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The
   narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the
   introduction of new centres of attention to the family cell (even a
   new pet!). Whatever the narcissist perceives to be his competition for
   scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy.
   Where no legitimacy exists for the uninhibited expression of the
   aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament - the narcissist
   prefers to stay away. He disconnects, detaches himself emotionally,
   becomes cold and disinterested, directs transformed anger at his mate
   or at his parents (the more legitimate targets).
   
   Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to
   manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the
   newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn
   children. This way, indirectly, the narcissist basks in the attention
   directed at the infant. An example: by being closely identified with
   his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration
   of the mother ("What an outstanding father he is"). He also assumes
   part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a
   process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that
   the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.
   
   As the baby/sibling grows older, the narcissist begins to see their
   potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of
   Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed.
   The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates
   those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to
   idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and
   capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to
   surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his
   folies-de-grandeur. These roles - allocated to them explicitly and
   demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist - are
   best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not fully formed and independent.
   The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical,
   even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into
   context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to
   anticipate his moves. They refuse to continue to play the mindless
   pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has
   done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance.
   They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements - which,
   usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.
   
   This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase.
   Again, he perceives his Siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He
   quickly becomes disillusioned, in one of the spastic devaluation
   reactions typical of his appraisal of humans around him. He loses all
   interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any
   effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the
   preciousness and scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered,
   besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to
   abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or
   even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support
   them, to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been
   trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act
   or intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being
   overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically
   abusive and so on). Slowly - to justify his acts to himself - he gets
   immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind,
   the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or
   humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, stymie his
   growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the
   family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to
   the loss of the narcissistic space) - but also to his great relief and
   surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).
   
   This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new
   family members - assimilation of siblings or offspring - obtaining
   Narcissistic Supply from them - overvaluation of these new sources by
   the narcissist - as sources grow older and independent, they adopt
   anti narcissistic behaviours - the narcissist devalues them - the
   narcissist feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid
   - the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates. This cycle
   characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be
   found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work,
   the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a
   nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends
   which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic
   Supply from them. He overvalues them (they are the brightest, the most
   loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and
   other superlatives).
   
   But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a
   critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite, all
   constitute such behaviours) - the narcissist devalues all these
   previously over-valued individuals. Now they are stupid, lack
   ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the
   narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.
   The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his resources (for
   instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and
   erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours,
   which lead to the disintegration of his life.
   
   Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and
   depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What
   sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted
   to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.
   
                       FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 76
   
                         Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity
                                       
   Question: Are narcissists mostly hyperactive or hypoactive sexually
   and to what extent are they likely to be infidel in marriage?
   
   Answer: Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists loosely
   corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question. Sex for
   the narcissist is an instrument designed to increase the number of
   Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient
   weapon in the narcissist's arsenal - he will make profligate use of
   it. In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration,
   admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by
   other means (e.g., intellectually) - he resorts to sex. He then become
   a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with
   multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be
   objects not of desire - but of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the
   processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the
   narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic "fix". The narcissist
   is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual
   exploits as a form of art. He is very likely to expose this side of
   him - in great detail - to others, to an audience, expecting to win
   their approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic Supply in his
   case resides in the act of conquest and (what he perceives to be)
   subordination - the narcissist is forced to move on and to switch and
   bewitch partners very often. The first sexual encounter with a partner
   always includes these elements - not so the second or third
   encounters.
   
   Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men - they prefer
   virgins, married women, avowed maidens, etc. The more "difficult" the
   target - the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a
   narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital
   affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit
   contract between him and his spouse. He keeps explaining to anyone who
   cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him,
   meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they
   do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his
   spouse. In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest
   "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having
   sex with. He tends to cast the whole feminine sub-species in a bad
   light (with the exception of the meaningful women in his life). His
   behaviour will, thus, have achieved a dual purpose: the securing of
   Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand - and bringing about a replay of
   old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment and the Oedipal
   conflict, to mention but two). When inevitably abandoned by his spouse
   - the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of
   crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he
   feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path. His
   abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep
   depression and suicidal ideation - the narcissist is likely to feel
   cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of
   hunting.
   
   But there is another type of narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual
   hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard
   them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behaviour. It
   appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises. A painful
   divorce, a major personal financial upheaval - and this type of
   narcissist adopts the view that the "old solutions" do not work
   anymore. He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract
   attention, to restore his False Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure
   the subsistence level of Narcissistic Supply. Sex is handy and is a
   great source of the right kind of supply: immediate, interchangeable,
   comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist's
   being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, pleasurable. Thus,
   following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be
   deeply involved in sexual activities - very frequently and almost to
   the exclusion of other matters.
   
   However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic
   wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is
   restored - the second type of narcissist reveals his true colours. He
   abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The
   frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day
   - to a few times a year. He prefers intellectual pursuits, sports,
   politics, volunteering - anything but sex. This kind of narcissist is
   afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of
   emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to
   develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a narcissist
   withdraws not only sexually - but also emotionally. If married - he
   loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He
   confines himself to his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently
   busy to preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly
   dearest). He becomes completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong
   plans, a vision, or a cause - all very rewarding narcissistically and
   all very demanding and time consuming. He then regards sex as an
   obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance operation needed to preserve
   the comfortable human cell that he has constructed (his family or
   household). He does not enjoy sex and by far prefers the autoerotic
   variety - to masturbate - or object sex, like going to prostitutes.
   Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an "alibi", a shield against
   the attention of other women, an insurance policy which preserves his
   virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him
   to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with other women. Even while
   ignoring women around him (a form of aggression) he can feel righteous
   in saying: "I am loyal to my wife". At the same time, he feels
   hostility towards her for ostensibly preventing him from freely
   expressing himself sexually with others, for isolating him from carnal
   pleasures. The thwarted logic goes like this: "I am married/attached
   to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any kind of touch
   with other women, which might be interpreted as more than casual or
   businesslike. This is why I refrain from having anything to do with
   women - because I am loyal, as opposed to most other immoral men.
   However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can
   engage in sex and romance as much as they want to - while I am
   confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am
   angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with
   her." He minimises all types of intercourse with his close circle
   (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual,
   verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of
   information and isolates himself socially. This way he insures against
   a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again,
   this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old,
   unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone,
   with no Secondary Sources of Supply. In his search for them, he again
   embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a
   spouse or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the
   cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional
   remoteness and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.
   
   The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse.
   He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and
   non-sexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the latter
   phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore,
   not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or violate the
   marital vows. He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome
   dwindling of the Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says
   to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.
   
   I am often asked whether narcissists are some variant of
   exhibitionists. Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They
   tend to brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In
   extreme cases, they might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to
   total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to
   "objectify" their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral
   sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in autoerotic sex. The
   exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders.
   This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on.
   This outside "look" is also what defines the narcissist. There is
   bound to be a connection. One (the exhibitionist) may be the
   culmination, the "pure case" of the other (the narcissist).
   
                                  THE AUTHOR
                                       
                              Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin
                                       
Curriculum Vitae

   Born in 1961 in Qiryat-Yam, Israel.
   
  Education
  
   Graduated a few semesters in the Technion - Israel Institute of
   Technology, Haifa.
   
   Ph.D. in Philosophy (major: Philosophy of Physics) - Pacific Western
   University, California, USA.
   
   Graduate of numerous courses in Finance Theory and International
   Trading.
   
   Certified E-Commerce Concepts Analyst.
   
   Certified in Psychological Counselling Techniques.
   
   Full proficiency in Hebrew and in English.
   
  Business Experience
  
    1980 to 1983
    
   Founder and co-owner of a chain of computerised information kiosks in
   Tel-Aviv, Israel.
   
    1982 to 1985
    
   Senior positions with the Nessim D. Gaon Group of Companies in Geneva,
   Paris and New-York (NOGA and APROFIM SA):
   
   - Chief Analyst of Edible Commodities in the Group's Headquarters in
   Switzerland
   
   - Manager of the Research and Analysis Division
   
   - Manager of the Data Processing Division
   
   - Project Manager of the Nigerian Computerised Census
   
   - Vice President in charge of RND and Advanced Technologies
   
   - Vice President in charge of Sovereign Debt Financing
   
    1985 to 1986
    
   Represented Canadian Venture Capital Funds in Israel.
   
    1986 to 1987
    
   General Manager of IPE Ltd. in London. The firm financed international
   multi-lateral counter-trade and leasing transactions.
   
    1988 to 1990
    
   Co-founder and Director of "Mikbats-Tesuah", a portfolio management
   firm based in Tel-Aviv.
   
   Activities included large-scale portfolio management, underwriting,
   forex trading and general financial advisory services.
   
    1990 to Present
    
   Free-lance consultant to many of Israel's Blue-Chip firms, mainly on
   issues related to the capital markets in Israel, Canada, the UK and
   the USA.
   
   Consultant to foreign RND ventures and to Governments on
   macro-economic matters.
   
   President of the Israel chapter of the Professors World Peace Academy
   (PWPA) and (briefly) Israel representative of the "Washington Times".
   
    1993 to 1994
    
   Co-owner and Director of many business enterprises:
   
   - The Omega and Energy Air-Conditioning Concern
   
   - AVP Financial Consultants
   
   - Handiman Legal Services - Total annual turnover of the group: 10
   million USD.
   
   Co-owner, Director and Finance Manager of COSTI Ltd. - Israel's
   largest computerised information vendor and developer. Raised funds
   through a series of private placements locally, in the USA, Canada and
   London.
   
    1995 on
    
   Publisher and Editor of a Capital Markets Newsletter distributed by
   subscription only to dozens of subscribers countrywide.
   
   In a legal precedent - studied in business schools and law faculties
   across Israel - was tried for his role in an attempted take-over of
   Israel's Agriculture Bank.
   
   Was interned in the State School of Prison Wardens.
   
   Managed the Central School Library, wrote, published and lectured on
   various occasions.
   
   Managed the Internet and International News Department of an Israeli
   mass media group, "Ha-Tikshoret and Namer".
   
   Assistant in the Law Faculty in Tel-Aviv University (to Prof. S.G.
   Shoham).
   
    1996 to 1999
    
   Financial consultant to leading businesses in Macedonia, Russia and
   the Czech Republic. Collaborated with the Agency of Transformation of
   Business with Social Capital.
   
   Economic commentator in "Nova Makedonija", "Dnevnik", "Makedonija
   Denes", "Izvestia", "Argumenti i Fakti", "The Middle East Times", "The
   New Presence", "Central Europe Review", "InternetContent.net", United
   Press International (UPI), other periodicals and in the economic
   programs on various channels of Macedonian Television.
   
   Chief Lecturer in courses organised by the Agency of Transformation,
   by the Macedonian Stock Exchange and Ministry of Trade.
   
    1999 to Present
    
   Economic Advisor to the Government of the Republic of Macedonia.
   
  Author of extensive web sites in:
  
   Psychology ("Malignant Self-Love") - An Open Directory Cool Site,
   Philosophy ("Philosophical Musings"), Economics and Geopolitics
   ("After the Rain").
   
   Owner of the Narcissism Revisited Announcement and Study List (more
   than 850 members) and the After the Rain CEE and Balkans Announcement
   and Study List.
   
   Editor of mental health disorders and Central and Eastern Europe
   categories in web directories (Open Directory, Suite 101, Go.com,
   Search Europe).
   
   Weekly columnist in "The New Presence", United Press International
   (UPS), "InternetContent.net" and "Central Europe Review".
   
  Publications and Awards
  
   "Managing Investment Portfolios in States of Uncertainty", Limon
   Publishers, 1988;
   
   "The Gambling Industry", Limon Publishers, 1990;
   
   "Requesting my Loved One - Short Stories", Yedioth Aharonot, 1997;
   
   "The Macedonian Economy at a Crossroads - On the Way to a Healthier
   Economy", (Dialogues with Mr. Nikola Gruevski), 1998;
   
   "Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited", Narcissus Publications,
   1999, 2001;
   
   "The Exporters' Pocketbook", Ministry of Trade, Republic of Macedonia,
   1999;
   
   "The Suffering of Being Kafka" (electronic book of Hebrew Short
   Fiction);
   
   "After the Rain - How the West Lost the East", Narcissus Publications
   in association with Central Europe Review / CEENMI, 2000.
   
   Winner of numerous awards, among them the Israeli Education Ministry
   Prize (Literature) - 1997, The Rotary Club Award for Social Studies -
   1976, and the Bilateral Relations Studies Award of the American
   Embassy in Israel - 1978.
   
   Hundreds of professional articles in all fields of finances and the
   economy.
   
   Numerous articles dealing with geopolitical and political economic
   issues published in both print and web periodicals in many countries.
   
   Many appearances in the electronic media on subjects in philosophy and
   the sciences and concerning economic matters.
   
  Write to Me:
  
   palma@unet.com.mk
   
   samvak@briefcase.com
   
  My Web Sites:
  
    Economy / Politics:
    
   [20]http://samvak.tripod.com/guide.html
   
    Psychology:
    
   [21]http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html
   
    Philosophy:
    
   [22]http://samvak.tripod.com/culture.html
   
    Poetry:
    
   [23]http://samvak.tripod.com/contents.html
   
                            Malignant Self Love
   
                            Narcissism Revisited
   
                                  The Book
   
    "Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression,
   envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a
   result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Narcissists
               are forever in pursuit of Narcissistic Supply.
   
    They know no past or future, are not constrained by any behavioural
   consistency, 'rules' of conduct or moral considerations. You signal to
      a narcissist that you are a willing source - and he is bound to
               extract his supply from you. This is a reflex.
   
   He would have reacted absolutely the same to any other source. If what
    is needed to obtain supply from you is intimations of intimacy - he
                        will employ them liberally."
   
                    This book is comprised of two parts.
   
    The first part contains 80 Frequently Asked Questions related to the
      various aspects of pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic
                        Personality Disorder (NPD).
   
   The second part is an exposition of the various psychodynamic theories
      regarding pathological narcissism and a proposed new vocabulary.
   
                                 The Author
   
     Sam Vaknin was born in Israel in 1961. A financial consultant and
            columnist, he lived (and published) in 11 countries.
   
    He is a published and awarded author of short fiction and reference
   and an editor of mental health categories in various web directories.
                         This is his twelfth book.

References

   2. http://samvak.tripod.com/
   3. http://gutenberg.net/
   4. http://promo.net/pg
   5. http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03
   6. ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03
   7. http://promo.net/pg/donation.html
   8. mailto:hart@pobox.com
   9. http://samvak.tripod.com/
  10. mailto:hart@pobox.com
  11. mailto:palma@unet.com.mk
  12. mailto:samvak@visto.com
  13. http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/narclist.html
  14. http://samvak.tripod.com/narclist.html
  15. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse
  16. http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/index.html
  17. http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq1.html
  18. http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/archive01.html
  19. http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/thebook.html
  20. http://samvak.tripod.com/guide.html
  21. http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html
  22. http://samvak.tripod.com/culture.html
  23. http://samvak.tripod.com/contents.html
