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  TRUE POLITENESS.

  A
  HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
  FOR
  LADIES.


  BY AN AMERICAN LADY.


  New York:
  LEAVITT AND ALLEN.




  Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year
  1847, by

  GEORGE S. APPLETON.

  In the Office of the Clerk of the District Court of the United
  States in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.




CONTENTS.


  Introductions                                                       5
  Recognitions and Salutations                                       11
  Dress and Fashion                                                  14
  Conversation--Tattling                                             19
  Visits and Visiting                                                26
  Receiving Visits                                                   32
  Ball-Room--Parties--Dancing                                        36
  Music                                                              43
  The Dinner Table                                                   45
  Courtship and Marriage                                             53
  Servants                                                           55
  Letters and Notes                                                  57
  Funerals                                                           59
  Cards                                                              60
  Presents                                                           61
  General Observations                                               63




  TRUE POLITENESS
  FOR
  LADIES.




INTRODUCTIONS.


I.

Never introduce persons to each other without a knowledge that it will
be agreeable to both parties; this may sometimes be ascertained without
a formal question: very great intimacy with and knowledge of each party
may be a sufficient assurance that the introduction will be agreeable.


II.

The inferior should always be introduced to the superior--ladies take
precedence of gentlemen; you will present the gentleman to the lady,
not the lady to the gentleman.


III.

An introduction at a ball for the purpose of dancing does not compel you
to recognise the person in the street or in any public place; and except
under very peculiar circumstances such intimacies had better cease with
the ball.


IV.

When introducing one to another, mention the name of each distinctly. A
failure to do this is often the cause of much embarrassment. If you have
been introduced, and have not caught the name, it is better to say at
once, “I beg pardon; I did not hear the name;” it will save much
unpleasant feeling.


V.

As a general rule, avoid all proffers of introduction, unless from those
in whom, from relationship or other causes, you can place implicit
confidence. A lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the
same facility as a gentleman can do, and her character is more easily
affected by contact with the worthless and dissipated.


VI.

Upon a first introduction to a lady or gentleman, make a slight but
gracious inclination of the head and body. The old style of curtsying
has given place to the more easy and graceful custom of bowing. It is
ill-bred to shake hands.


VII.

If you meet a lady for the second or subsequent times, the hand may be
extended in addition to the inclination of the head; but never extend
the hand to a gentleman, unless you are very intimate.


VIII.

Bow with slow and measured dignity; never hastily.


IX.

If you wish to avoid the company of a gentleman who has been properly
introduced, treat him with respect, at the same time shunning his
company. But few will mistake you.


X.

If, in travelling, any one introduces himself to you in a proper and
respectful manner, conduct yourself toward him with reserve and dignity,
yet with ease and politeness; and thank him for any attentions he may
render you. If he is a gentleman he will appreciate your behavior; if he
is not, he will be deterred from annoying you. All such acquaintances
cease with the occasion. Converse only upon topics of general interest;
it is necessary only to be civil. If he should betray the least want of
respect, turn from him in dignified silence; a lady by her behavior
always has it in her power to silence the boldest.


XI.

If on paying a morning visit you meet strangers at the house of your
friend and are introduced, it is a mere matter of form, and does not
entitle you to future recognition by such persons.


XII.

Be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter of introduction to a
lady,--it may be the means of settling the weal or woe of the persons
for life.


XIII.

If you have an introductory letter, do not deliver it yourself, unless
upon cases of urgent business, but send it with your card and the number
of your lodging, enclosed in an envelope, as soon as you have made
yourself comfortable after arriving at your destination.


XIV.

On receiving a letter introducing any person, so soon as convenient
wait upon her, and show such attention as the nature of the introduction
may require: upon meeting the party introduced, you will easily perceive
whether any further INTIMACY will be desirable.


XV.

A lady, who receives a letter introducing a gentleman, may answer it by
a note to the bearer, inviting him to pay a morning or evening visit.


XVI.

When introduced to another lady, you may say, “I am very happy to make
your acquaintance;” but there are few cases where this remark can be
addressed with propriety to a gentleman. It is a favor for him to be
presented to her, therefore the pleasure is on his side.




RECOGNITIONS AND SALUTATIONS.


XVII.

The superior in rank and station should first salute the inferior.
Therefore, if you meet a gentleman in the street with whom you are
acquainted, recollect that it is your province to recognise him before
he presumes to salute you. Another reason is, he may bow to you, when
you do not recognise him, and there is no remedy; but if you recognise
him first, no _gentleman_ would fail to return the salute. Though
etiquette is quite definite on the subject, it is often waived with
advantage when intimacy, equality of station and circumstances, and a
known appreciation of each other, warrant the liberty.


XVIII.

If a person whom you have met as specified in Nos. IV. and XI., should
presume to salute you, do not recognise the salute, but pass on, and
leave him to suppose that you imagined it was intended for another.


XIX.

On meeting a friend in any public place, do not boisterously salute, or
proclaim her name aloud.


XX.

It is, in general, bad taste for ladies to kiss each other in the
presence of gentlemen, with whom they are but slightly acquainted.


XXI.

It is proper to vary the phraseology of questions concerning another’s
health as much as possible, and to abstain from them entirely toward a
superior or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, as such
inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. Custom forbids a lady to
make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he is very ill or aged.


XXII.

After we are informed of the health of the persons we are visiting, it
is proper to inquire of them in relation to that of their families; and
in case of absence of near relations, if they have heard from them
lately, and if the news is favorable. They on their part usually ask the
same of us.


XXIII.

If in a public promenade you repeatedly pass persons of your
acquaintance, salute them only on the first occasion.


XXIV.

It is unladylike to _cut_ a person; if you wish to rid yourself of any
one’s society, a cold bow in the street, and particular ceremony in the
circles of your mutual acquaintance, is the best mode to adopt.


XXV.

Always bow when meeting acquaintances in the street. To curtsy is not
gracefully consistent with locomotion.




DRESS AND FASHION.


XXVI.

The plainest dress is always the most genteel, and a lady that dresses
plainly will never be dressed unfashionably. Next to plainness, in every
well-dressed lady, is neatness of dress and taste in the selection of
colors.


XXVII.

Let your dress harmonize with your complexion, your size, and the
circumstances in which you may be placed: for instance, the dress for
walking, for a dinner or an evening party, each requires a different
style of both material and ornament.


XXVIII.

Avoid the extreme _mode_; and, in adopting the style of your friend, be
careful that it will suit your figure, your complexion, and stature:
the dress which may be adapted to her may be absurd in you.


XXIX.

If your stature be short, you should not allow a superfluity of flounces
upon the skirt of your dress: if you are tall, they may be
advantageously adopted when fashion does not forbid them.


XXX.

A very high head-dress would not be suitable for a very tall or short
person; the latter may venture upon a higher dress than the former. A
person with a short neck should be careful as to the sort of frill she
wears, if she considers one necessary; while a person with a very long
one may relieve the awkwardness of the appearance by judiciously
adopting this article of dress.


XXXI.

A hostess should not dress so richly as when she is a guest: it is good
taste in a lady not to appear to vie with her guests in the richness of
her attire.


XXXII.

Be not ostentatious in the display of jewelry: if, however, you have
superb jewelry, your dress and your establishment should harmonize
therewith, or the world will either not give you credit for their real
worth, or it will charge you with ostentatious extravagance.


XXXIII.

Never wear mosaic gold or paste diamonds; they are representatives of a
mean ambition to appear what you are not, and most likely what you ought
not to wish to be.


XXXIV.

Let your ornaments be, then, more remarkable for their intrinsic worth,
and for the taste with which they are chosen and worn, than for
profusion.


XXXV.

Ladies of good taste seldom wear jewelry in the morning, and when they
do, confine themselves to trinkets of gold, or those in which opaque
stones only are introduced. Ornaments with brilliant stones are unsuited
for a morning costume.


XXXVI.

In large parties do not exhibit any remarkable anxiety for the care of
your dress, nor, if an accident should happen thereto, exhibit peculiar
or violent emotion; if you are so _distraite_, many will believe that
you have exhibited the best portion of your wardrobe.


XXXVII.

Adapt your head-dress, or the style of your hair, to the character of
your face. If you have your own maid, she will soon ascertain what style
suits you best; if, however, you intrust to a _friseur_ this important
portion of your appearance, give him complete directions, or he will
not regard the character of the physiognomy, but arrange your hair
according to the last importation of blocks from Paris or London.


XXXVIII.

Gloves should harmonize with your dress; and must always be clean.
Nothing can be more vulgar than high-coloured gloves: the primrose (and
the white for evening parties) are the most elegant, if your dress will
admit of their being worn.


XXXIX.

Perfumes are a necessary appendage to the toilet; let them be delicate,
not powerful; the Atta of roses is the most elegant; the Heduesmia is at
once fragrant and delicate. Many others may be named; but none must be
patronized which are so obtrusive as to give the idea that they are not
indulged in as a luxury but used from necessity.


XL.

Keep your finger-nails scrupulously clean, and avoid the disagreeable
habit of allowing them to grow to an unnatural length.


XLI.

Singularity of dress and ostentatious ornament are by no means
characteristic of a lady, but their adoption proves a _primâ facie_ case
against the wearer of being a _nouveau riche_ striving after notoriety.
Station and refinement of manner will make those vulgarisms bearable, or
even pleasing; but the parties are then bearable or pleasing in spite
of, not in consequence of them.




CONVERSATION,--TATTLING.


XLII.

Conversation is a difficult art, but do not despair of acquiring it. It
consists not so much in saying something different from the rest, but
in extending the remarks of others; in being willing to please and be
pleased; and in being attentive to what is said and to what is passing
around you. Talking is not conversation, it is the manner of saying
things which gives them their value.


XLIII.

One of the greatest requisites, also, is the art of listening
discreetly. To listen is a delicate piece of flattery, and a compliment
so gratifying as to surely recommend you.


XLIV.

Cultivate a soft tone of voice and a courteous mode of expression.


XLV.

It is better to say too little than too much in company: let your
conversation be consistent with your sex and age.


XLVI.

Cautiously avoid relating in one house any follies or faults you may
hear or see in another.


XLVII.

Never converse with strangers or mere acquaintances upon family
circumstances or differences.


XLVIII.

Do not look for faults in the characters or habits of your friends--the
critic generally likes to communicate her opinions or discoveries--hence
arises a habit of detraction.


XLIX.

Never encourage tattling or detraction; if there were no listeners this
petty vice could not exist; besides, the habit of listening to this sort
of gossip will soon induce you to participate, by similar
communications.


L.

Abjure punning, and exercising even the most refined RAILLERY: the
latter requires both observation and talent, and most people mistake
satire for raillery; the one may be the offspring of a vicious, the
former must be of an enlightened and benevolent mind.


LI.

Do not appear abstracted while another person is speaking; and never
interrupt another by intruding a remark of your own.


LII.

Avoid pedantry and dogmatism. Be not obtrusively positive in the
assertion of your opinions--modesty of speech, as well as manner, is
highly ornamental in a woman.


LIII.

_Double entendre_ is detestable in a woman, especially when perpetrated
in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is
guilty of it: though it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite
also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth
acquiring. Therefore not only avoid all indelicate expressions, but
appear not to understand any that may be uttered in your presence.


LIV.

Rather be silent than talk nonsense, unless you have that agreeable art,
possessed by some women, of investing little nothings with an air of
grace and interest; this most enviable art is indeed very desirable in a
hostess, as it often fills up disagreeable pauses, and serves as a
prelude for the introduction of more intellectual matter.


LV.

Flattery is a powerful weapon in conversation; all are susceptible to
it. It should be used skilfully, never direct, but inferred; better
acted than uttered. Let it seem to be the unwitting and even the
unwilling expression of genuine admiration, the honest expression of the
feelings.


LVI.

Do not (except with a view to improvement) introduce subjects with
which you are but superficially acquainted. If you should do so with the
idea that all others present are equally or more ignorant than yourself,
you may be very disagreeably undeceived, by some quiet, unpresuming
person, who may have been listening to the development of your
ignorance.


LVII.

Do not use the terms “_genteel people_;” “This, that, or the other, is
very _genteel_.” Substitute for them, “They are highly accomplished;”
“he is a gentlemanly man;” “that has a gentlemanly appearance;” “she has
the manners of a gentlewoman.”


LVIII.

It is not good taste for a lady to say “Yes, Sir,” and “No, Sir,” to a
gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word “Sir” at the end of her
sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the person
with whom she is conversing.


LIX.

Do not introduce proverbs and cant phrases; a well educated lady can
always find words to express her meaning, without resorting to these.


LX.

Never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of the company; such
discussions cannot be interesting to others, and the probability is that
the most patient listener is laying the foundation for some tale to make
you appear ridiculous.


LXI.

It is not contrary to good-breeding to laugh in company, and even to
laugh heartily when there is anything amusing going on; this is nothing
more than being sociable. To remain prim and precise on such occasions,
is sheer affectation. Avoid, however, what is called the “horse-laugh.”


LXII.

Never laugh at your own remarks; it may be a very agreeable excitation,
but it invariably spoils what you are saying.


LXIII.

If you are a wit, do not let your witty remarks engross the whole
conversation, as it wounds the self-love of your hearers, who also wish
to be heard, and becomes excessively fatiguing.


LXIV.

Do not address persons by the initial of their names; “Mrs. A. says
this;” “Mrs. B. does that;” it is a mark of vulgarity.




VISITS.


LXV.

A lady’s visiting card should be of small size, glazed, but not gilt. It
should be engraved in script characters, small and neat, not in German
text or Old English. Never have your card printed; a written card,
though passable, is not perfectly _au fait_. If you write them, never
first draw a line across the card to guide you,--it betokens
ill-breeding.


LXVI.

A morning call should not exceed from a quarter of an hour to twenty
minutes in duration; the most proper time for such visits is between
eleven and two o’clock; if your friends are people of fashion, from
twelve to three will be the best hours.


LXVII.

If the persons called on be not at home, leave a card for each person to
whom the visit was designed, or beg the servant to mention that you
inquired for so many persons.


LXVIII.

The subjects for conversation should harmonize with the character of
your visit, and prevent your introducing a gay conversation, when
paying a visit of condolence; or subjects requiring deep thought, upon
casual visits or calls of ceremony.


LXIX.

In making friendly calls almost all ceremony should be dispensed with.
They are made at all hours, without much preparation or dressing.


LXX.

Visits of ceremony should be paid after a nearly similar interval has
elapsed from when they were made. People in this way give you notice
whether they wish to see you seldom or often.


LXXI.

Never display the visiting cards you may receive, by placing them in the
frame of your looking-glass. It is usual to have an ornamental
card-basket on the centre table.


LXXII.

If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at
table, you ought, although asked to remain, to retire as soon as
possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should on her part be
careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended
quickly.


LXXIII.

Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conversation ceases without
being again continued by the person you have come to see, and if she
rises from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom requires you to
make your salutation and withdraw. If other visiters are announced, you
should leave soon after without saying much. If a letter is brought in,
entreat your hostess to read it; she will probably not do so, and this
circumstance will warn you to shorten your visit.


LXXIV.

A lady is at liberty to take either a gentleman or another lady to pay
a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission; but she should
never allow a gentleman the same liberty; if he desires to make any of
his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be
agreeable.


LXXV.

When a lady visits another for the first time, her visit should be
returned within a week.


LXXVI.

If when paying an evening visit you should find a party assembled, enter
as you would otherwise have done, but remain only a few minutes, and
escape in as quiet a way as possible. Let it be known shortly after, in
such a way that it will reach the family, that you were unaware of
company being assembled.


LXXVII.

In calling upon a person staying at a hotel, if she is not at home add
your address to your name, else your visit may be fruitless.


LXXVIII.

When about to be absent a long time, make your farewell visit short,
announcing the fact; if necessary to leave your card, mark on it T. T.
L. or P. P. C. When you return, those upon whom you have called will pay
you the first visit; those whom you have neglected, will properly
conclude the acquaintance is discontinued. If you are married while
abroad, this is especially the case.


LXXIX.

Visits after a party or dinner should be paid within the week.


LXXX.

Upon the death of any member of a family with which you have associated,
visits of condolence should not be _personally_ made until after a week
or two has elapsed.




RECEIVING VISITS.


LXXXI.

In receiving morning visits, lay aside any employment in which you may
be occupied; this will enable you to pay those little attentions, and to
say those elegant but appropriate nothings, which make your guests
immediately at home, and tend to the establishment of your character as
one of _the mode_. When your visiters rise to depart, ring the bell for
a servant to open the street door.


LXXXII.

Avoid all appearance of anxiety; yet let nothing escape your attention.


LXXXIII.

When visitors enter, rise immediately, advance toward them, and request
them to be seated. If it is an elderly person, insist upon his occupying
the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be seated on the sofa.


LXXXIV.

In winter the most honorable place is the corner of the fireplace;
therefore, if a married lady enters, offer her that seat. If this place
is occupied by a young lady, she ought to rise and offer her seat to the
other, taking for herself a chair in another part of the room.


LXXXV.

In proportion as the visiter is a stranger, you will rise, and any
persons already there, should do the same. If any withdraw, conduct them
as far as the door of the parlor.


LXXXVI.

As hostess, in your attentions, consider all your guests equal; the
greatest stranger or person of least rank should, if any, receive more
attention than others.


LXXXVII.

If your guests are about to remain on a visit of any length, see before
their arrival that their room is furnished with everything which can
contribute to neatness, and their comfort. Congratulate them upon their
arrival, and express the pleasure it gives you; inquire kindly about the
incidents of their journey, and request them to make your house their
home. Be assiduous in your attentions, and show them every object of
interest about the house and neighborhood.


LXXXVIII.

If your guests express an intention of leaving you, affectionately
endeavor to detain them; if not successful, renew your invitation for
another visit, and express your regret at parting so soon.


LXXXIX.

The art of receiving company can only be acquired by education,
experience, or close observation. Have a determination to act naturally,
not hurried, and let a desire to please be a ruling principle; you will
then generally act correctly.




THE BALL-ROOM.


XC.

Invitations to a ball or evening party should be given in the lady’s
name, and answers to such invitations should be addressed to her, cards
of invitation are usually issued from one to three weeks previous to the
entertainment.


XCI.

The hours for the arrival of the guests vary from nine to twelve
o’clock: in this you will be guided by the usages of the circle in which
you move.


XCII.

Never go early to a public ball; and do not be frequently seen at such.
When you do attend, do not dance from the time you enter the room until
you leave; it may leave the impression that you have few opportunities
of dancing except at such balls.


XCIII.

As the fashion for a lady’s dress for a ball is so constantly changing,
it is impossible to prescribe. But we may remark, that the handkerchief
should be “fine as a snowy cobweb,” and perfumed just sufficiently to
render it agreeable. Your gloves should be of white kid, your shoes
small and fitting with the nicest exactness.


XCIV.

When you enter the drawing-room, immediately advance and pay your
respects to the ladies of the house; until this is done, do not
recognise any one you may know. If, as it sometimes happens, the lady is
not in the room when you enter, though the position may be rather
embarrassing if you do not meet any acquaintances, do not show that it
is so, but enter into conversation with your partner or the lady nearest
you, until the lady returns, when you immediately pay your respects;
which should be a little more marked than when paying a morning visit.


XCV.

If possible, do not enter a room alone. If you have no brother or near
relation, you may at any time request a gentleman of your acquaintance,
who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany you.


XCVI.

The lady of the house should dance, if at all, but little, unless there
is a distinguished stranger present to whom it is desirable to pay a
compliment. This is necessary, that you may be enabled to attend to your
guests, and make the evening agreeable to them. If you do dance, you may
select your partner, who should feel honored by the act.


XCVII.

If the hostess intends to dance, it is customary for her to open the
ball: if she does not, the host opens it with the lady of the highest
rank present.


XCVIII.

When a gentleman who has been properly introduced requests the honor of
dancing with you, you will not refuse unless you have a previous
engagement.


XCIX.

At the ordinary public balls, it is desirable to make up a party
sufficiently large to render you independent of the introductions of the
master of the ceremonies, as, in spite of his best efforts,
objectionable individuals will gain access to such. When a party is thus
formed, you can easily and without rudeness refuse to be introduced to
any gentleman, by stating that you are engaged; as of course you would
be to your friends for that evening.


C.

If a gentleman presumes to ask you to dance without an introduction,
you will of course refuse. It is hardly necessary to supply the fair
reader with words to repel such a rudeness; a man must have more than
ordinary impertinence if he was not satisfied by your saying, “I must
decline, sir, not having the honor of your acquaintance;” and recollect
that his previous rudeness ought to be punished by your refusing to be
introduced.


CI.

Draw on your gloves in the dressing-room, and do not take them off
during the evening, except at supper-time, when it should be invariably
done.


CII.

Let your dancing be quiet and unobtrusive; let your movements in the
dance be characterized by elegance and gracefulness, rather than by
activity and complexity of steps.


CIII.

In giving the hand for “ladies’ chain,” or any other figures, you
should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the
head in the manner of a salutation.


CIV.

Pay attention to the dance, but not so marked as to appear as if that
attention was necessary to prevent a mistake. A lively manner harmonizes
with the scene; but, to preserve this, it is not necessary to be
boisterous. Refinement of manners has, in woman, an unspeakable charm.


CV.

Recollect that your partner is for the time being your very humble
servant, and that he will be honored by acquiescing in any of your
wishes: for instance, you may wish to promenade, to walk from one room
to another, to join your friends; you may require a jelly, ice, wine, or
any other refreshment; your dress may have become disarranged; in short,
he will feel honored by receiving your commands, and ought to
anticipate your wishes on most of the above, and many more ordinary
occasions. On no account be seen parading a ball-room by yourself.


CVI.

When you are dancing, you will consider yourself engaged to your
partner, therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation between the
figures with some other gentleman.


CVII.

Do not mistake affectation for refinement: it would be no less an error
than confounding vice with virtue.


CVIII.

Do not make a public room the arena for torturing any simple swain who
_perchance_ may admire you a little more than you deserve. Recollect
that while you are wounding another’s heart you may be trifling with
your own peace.


CIX.

When you leave a party before the others, do so quietly and as little
seen as possible; first making your parting curtsy to the ladies of the
house, if convenient. During the week, make them a visit of thanks, at
which you may converse of the pleasure of the ball, and the good
selection of the company.


CX.

If you are engaged to a gentleman, do not let your attention be paid
exclusively to him--the object of your love should alone perceive it.


CXI.

If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it unless for
the most unavoidable reasons.


CXII.

The members of an invited family should not be seen conversing often
together at a party.




MUSIC.


CXIII.

Never exhibit any particular anxiety to sing or to play. You may have a
fine voice, have a brilliant instrumental execution; but your friends
may by possibility neither admire nor appreciate either.


CXIV.

If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once
accede. If you are a good singer, your prompt compliance will add to the
pleasure of your friends, and to their regard; if you are not the desire
to amuse will have been evinced, and will be appreciated.


CXV.

Do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment; there
is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes.


CXVI.

If you are singing second, do not drag on, nor as it were tread upon the
heels of your _prima_; if you do not regard your friend’s feelings, have
mercy on your own reputation, for nine out of ten in every party will
think you in the wrong, and those who know that you are singing in
correct time, will believe you ill-natured or not sufficiently mistress
of the song to wait upon your friend.


CXVII.

If playing an accompaniment to a singer, do not forget that your
instrument is intended to aid, not to interrupt: that it is to be
subordinate to the song.


CXVIII.

If nature has not given you a voice, do not attempt to sing, unless you
have sufficient taste, knowledge, and judgment, to cover its defects by
an accompaniment.


CXIX.

Never sing more than one or two songs consecutively.


CXX.

When at concerts or private parties where music is being performed,
never converse, no matter how anxious you may be to do so, or how many
persons you may see doing so; and refrain from beating time, humming the
airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration.




THE DINNER-TABLE.


CXXI.

Invitations to dinner must of course be answered to the lady. Cards of
invitation to a dinner party are usually issued from three days to a
fortnight previous to the entertainment; they should specify the hour of
meeting. The proper number for such a party is somewhat in dispute: the
happy medium may be considered ten.


CXXII.

As persons are necessarily introduced at a dinner party, only such
persons as are known to each other, or who mutually desire to be
acquainted should be invited, except under the circumstances alluded to
in No. I.


CXXIII.

Be punctual to the hour appointed.


CXXIV.

When an invitation is accepted, let nothing but imperative necessity
compel you to break the engagement, or at the last moment to send an
excuse.


CXXV.

When your guests enter, present them to the others, and if any delay
occur, let the conversation be light and on commonplace topics.


CXXVI.

It is usual for the host or hostess to point out to the gentlemen the
ladies they are to conduct to the dining-room, according to some real
or imaginary standard (age or distinction). If persons of distinction
are present, it is desirable that this should be done--of course giving
them precedence.


CXXVII.

The hostess follows her guests to the dining-room, the host having led
the way with the lady of most consideration; the gentleman of the
greatest distinction accompanies the hostess to the dining-room.


CXXVIII.

The hostess takes the head of the table: the seat of honor for a
gentleman is at her right hand; for a lady, it is to the right of the
host.


CXXIX.

Ladies do not wear gloves during dinner.


CXXX.

In the best houses, the operation of carving is performed at the side
tables; _i. e._ the principal joint, or joints, which require strength
in the operation, are there carved.


CXXXI.

Table napkins are indispensable at the dinner table; and silver forks
are now met with in almost every respectable house. Steel forks, except
for carving, are now seldom placed upon the dinner table.


CXXXII.

It is usual to commence with soup, which never refuse; if you do not eat
it, you can toy with it until it is followed by fish; of either of which
never take more than once.


CXXXIII.

When all are seated, send a plate of soup to every one. Do not ask any
one if they will be helped, as every one takes it, of course.


CXXXIV.

Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider.
Use a dessert spoon in eating tarts, puddings, curries, &c., &c.


CXXXV.

If what you are eating before the dessert has any liquid, sop the bread
and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of the dessert having
liquid, a spoon is usually provided.


CXXXVI.

In helping sauce or vegetables, place them upon the side of the viands
on the plate.


CXXXVII.

If anything is sent you from the host or hostess, do not offer it to any
other person; and when helped do not wait until others are served, but
at once arrange your napkin, and proceed to the important business of
the moment.


CXXXVIII.

In helping a joint, do not overload a person’s plate; and if game, or
any particularly select dish is placed before you, serve it with
discretion.


CXXXIX.

In helping, wherever a spoon can be conveniently used, it is preferable
to the use of a knife and fork.


CXL.

Fish must be helped with a fish slice: you may carve it more dexterously
by taking a spoon in your left hand.


CXLI.

Soup must be eaten from the side, not the point of the spoon; and, in
eating it, be careful not to make a noise, by strongly inhaling the
breath: this habit is excessively vulgar; you cannot eat too quietly.


CXLII.

In helping soup, recollect that a little more than a ladle full is
sufficient.


CXLIII.

As hostess, do not press people to eat more than they appear inclined
to take, nor force upon them any particular dish which you may think
superexcellent. If any difficulty occurs in carving, you should feel no
diffidence in requesting the gentleman to your right or left to assist
you: it is a part of their duty and privilege.


CXLIV.

Do not ask any one at the table to help you to anything, but apply to
the servant.


CXLV.

The hostess should never send away her plate until all the guests have
finished.


CXLVI.

When you send your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon
it. When you have done, place both together on one side of the plate.


CXLVII.

Servants wait at table in white gloves, or have a fine napkin in their
hand, which prevents its contact with your plate.


CXLVIII.

Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and
wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them
with the napkin.


CXLIX.

As hostess, you will give the signal for retiring by rising from the
table. The time for so doing varies in different companies, and must be
left to your discretion.


CL.

Should your servants break anything while you are at table, do not
appear to notice it. If they betray stupidity or awkwardness, avoid
reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to their errors,
and adds to their embarrassment.


CLI.

During the week which follows the entertainment, each of the guests owes
a visit to the entertainer. Converse about the dinner, the pleasure you
have enjoyed, and of the persons whom you have met there.


CLII.

The mistress of the house should never appear to pride herself regarding
what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad
cheer which she may offer you; it is much better for her to observe
silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce
eulogiums on the dinner.


CLIII.

Ladies should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment,
unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some
one to accompany her; if unmarried, she goes with her mother.




COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.


CLIV.

When about to be married send your card with the gentleman’s in an
envelope to the circle which you intend to visit. They are usually sent
by your connexions, or your bridesmaid and groomsman, with your
assistance. The lady’s should have engraved on it: “At home, ----, --th
inst. at -- o’clock.” They should be sent at least one week previous.


CLV.

The styles of card and envelope are so varied that none are more
fashionable than others. The cards are sometimes united by a white
ribbon, or silken cord.


CLVI.

After marriage you need not retain the whole of your previous
acquaintance; those only to whom you send cards are for the future,
considered in the circle of your visiting acquaintance. The bridegroom
selects those persons among his former associates whom he wishes to
retain as such.


CLVII.

When the married pair receive company call upon them, offer your
compliments, and wish them much happiness in their new sphere. Address
the bride _first_. Do not remain longer than a few minutes, unless it is
an evening party; when, after paying your respects, mingle with the rest
of the company. Retire early from a wedding party.


CLVIII.

Newly married persons should abstain in public from every mark of
affection too conspicuous, and every exclusive attention.




SERVANTS.


CLVIX.

Do not imagine that you will increase your importance by _hauteur_ to
your own or to other people’s servants.


CLX.

At the house of your friend always preface your request to a servant by
the words, “I would thank you for so and so;” and do not omit the usual
courtesy on receiving it.


CLXI.

Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When
they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified, and firm manner;
but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in
the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray
with your best set of china upon it.


CLXII.

If you have only one servant, speak of her by her Christian name; if you
have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse,
cook, housemaid, footman, &c., but always address them by their
Christian names.




LETTERS AND NOTES.


CLXIII.

In writing, endeavor to make your style clear, concise, elegant, and
appropriate for all subjects. Avoid repetitions, erasures, insertions,
omissions, and confusion of ideas, or labored construction. If your
letter is to an equal or friend, these blemishes may remain; if
otherwise, it must be commenced again.


CLXIV.

To write on very coarse paper is allowable only for the most indigent;
to use gilt-edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, would be
ridiculous. The very best paper, but plain or without much ornament, is
most to be recommended.


CLXV.

It is extremely impolite to write upon a single leaf of paper, even if
it is a billet; it should always be double, although we write only two
or three lines. Envelopes are now used almost as much as the paper
itself is.


CLXVI.

Use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; an easy,
trifling, or even jesting style toward a friend, and a courteous style
toward one another generally.


CLXVII.

The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of
your letter, therefore never omit it. It may be put at the right hand of
the commencement of the letter, if writing to an equal; but in writing
to a superior, it should be at the end, in order that the title at the
head of the letter may be entirely alone.


CLXVIII.

Seal your communications with wax: bronze or other colors are more
suitable than red; use black wax when in mourning. Let the seal be
small; large ones are in very bad taste.


CLXIX.

Ceremonious notes and social letters should always be in the third
person, and of course not signed.


CLXX.

Letters of introduction should be concise and brief, and enclosed in an
envelope, unsealed.




FUNERALS.


CLXXI.

When any of your acquaintances are deceased, be at the house at not
quite an hour after the time specified, as the procession moves exactly
one hour after the time announced.


CLXXII.

It is optional whether you go to the grave or not; it is customary now,
to go merely to the house, until the procession has moved, when you are
at liberty to return to your ordinary pursuits.


CLXXIII.

Returning cards “of thanks” after a death for visits of condolence,
implies that the bereaved parties are prepared to receive visiters; it
must, therefore, be with them entirely a matter of feeling, as to how
soon it is done.




CARDS.


CLXXIV.

Never be too punctilious and exacting with regard to the penalties
incurred through mistakes.


CLXXV.

Lose without any exhibition of ill-humor, and win without any symptoms
of exultation.


CLXXVI.

Never lose your temper at cards, and avoid the exhibition of anxiety or
of vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not only keep
your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is not
ladylike.


CLXXVII.

Women should never play, unless they can retain the command of their
temper. She who wishes to win a heart or retain one, should never permit
her admirers to behold her at cards, as the anxiety they produce is as
destructive to beauty as to sentiment.




PRESENTS.

CLXXVIII.

Ladies’ gifts to gentlemen should be of the most refined nature
possible; little articles not purchased, but those deriving a priceless
value as being the offering of their gentle skill, such as a trifle from
their needle, or a picture from their pencil. But such offerings, though
invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of ceremony.


CLXXIX.

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are of no worth, except
from the manner in which they are bestowed. Strive, then, to give them
this value.


CLXXX.

Never give away a present which you have received from another; or at
least, so arrange it, that it may never be known.


CLXXXI.

Endeavor always to present an article which the recipient has not. This
in many cases may be difficult; but where it is possible, it should
always be done. I have known gentlemen to receive half a dozen purses,
only one of which did they use.




GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.


CLXXXII.

In entering any public room with a gentleman, let him precede you and
obtain a seat.


CLXXXIII.

If at another’s house you should break anything, do not appear to notice
it. Your hostess, if a lady, would take no notice of the calamity, nor
say, as is sometimes done by ill-bred persons, “Oh! it is of no
consequence.”


CLXXXIV.

Do not beat the “devil’s tattoo,” by drumming with your fingers on a
table. Never read in an audible whisper; it disturbs those near you.


CLXXXV.

You should never take the arms of two gentlemen, one being upon either
side.


CLXXXVI.

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library or museum, unless
she goes there to study or work as an artist.


CLXXXVII.

Perfect order, exquisite neatness and elegance, which easily dispense
with being sumptuous, ought to mark the entrance of the house, the
furniture, and the dress of the lady.


CLXXXVIII.

The most obvious mark of good breeding and good taste is a sensitive
regard for the feelings of others.


CLXXXIX.

Dean Swift, I think, remarks, that good breeding does not consist so
much in the observance of particular forms, as in bringing the dictates
of refined sense and taste to bear upon the ordinary occurrences of
life.

THE END.




Transcriber’s Note

The following typographical errors were corrected.

Page  Error
   1  ALLEN, changed to ALLEN.
  47  CXXVII changed to CXXVII.
  49  CXXXVIII changed to CXXXVIII.
  53  in an evnelope changed to in an envelope





End of Project Gutenberg's A Hand-book of Etiquette for Ladies, by Anonymous