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 THIS GIDDY GLOBE

 OLIVER HERFORD




 [Illustration: PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G.
               K. Mosely, Sculp.]




 THIS
 GIDDY GLOBE

 BY

 PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G.
 FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE


 EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY
 OLIVER HERFORD, V. D. W. A.

 [_"Very delightful wit and artist."_
                   _--Woodrow Wilson_]


 NEW YORK
 GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY




 COPYRIGHT, 1919,
 BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY


 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA




 TO
 PRESIDENT WILSON
 [_With all his faults he quotes me still._]




PREFACE


 .............................................................

 .............................................................

 .............................................................


[_The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves
and the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book._]




The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner's Sons for the
use of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series of
Perfect Day Pictures.




CONTENTS


 PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE

 CHAPTER                             PAGE

       I THE CREATION                  15
         PREFACE                       19
      II A LONG JUMP                   20
     III THE GIDDY GLOBE               23
      IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE          25
       V THE EQUATOR                   28
      VI THE EARTH'S CRUST             30
     VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE  32
    VIII THE AGE OF THE GLOBE          35
      IX THE FACE OF THE GLOBE         38
       X CLIMATE AND WEATHER           44
      XI LAND AND WATER                47
     XII THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD    51
    XIII THE HABITABLE GLOBE           52
     XIV THE TENANTS                   54
      XV RACE                          56
     XVI GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE      58
    XVII THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE 61

 PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH

   XVIII THE POLES                     65
     XIX AMERICA                       70
      XX BOSTON                        75
     XXI THE UNITED STATES             78
    XXII CANADA                        83
   XXIII GREAT BRITAIN                 86
    XXIV SCOTLAND                      90
     XXV IRELAND                       92
    XXVI WALES                         96

 PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES

   XXVII SOUTH AMERICA                101
  XXVIII HOLLAND                      103
    XXIX BELGIUM                      106
     XXX FRANCE                       109
    XXXI GERMANY                      111
   XXXII SWITZERLAND                  112
  XXXIII MONACO                       113
   XXXIV TURKEY                       114
    XXXV RUSSIA                       117
   XXXVI NORWAY AND SWEDEN            119
  XXXVII AFRICA                       122
 XXXVIII ARABIA                       126
   XXXIX AUSTRALIA                    129
      XL CHINA                        131
     XLI JAPAN                        133
    XLII EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN,
           GREECE, ETC.               134
         EPILOGUE                     136
         APPENDIX                     137


       *       *       *       *       *




THIS GIDDY GLOBE




PART I

WHY IS THE GLOBE?

CHAPTER I

THE CREATION

    _Six busy days it took in all_
    _To make a World and plan its fall,_
    _The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good_
    _And rested, should you think he could?_
    _Knowing what the result would be_
    _There would have been no rest for me!_
                         _Claire Beecher Kummer._


It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses,
it took to create the World which it is the Geographer's business to
describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created
beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on
his own work.

Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic
Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a
Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just
as the work of Creation was finished.

Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic's reception of
the freshly made World?

We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking;
technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green
instead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscape
painter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise green
than cobalt blue.

Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs.
Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple,
our Critic might have declared the World "Too flimsy in construction."
He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and the
Plumbing--the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater need
of it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never
rains.

The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a reluctant
smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending
to caricature in a serious work.

 [Illustration: THE FIRST CALENDAR
 The Creation of Heaven & Earth _in Six dayes_ _Gen: I_

 THE YEAR I
 1st Sunday          1st Wednesday
 1st Monday          1st Thursday
 1st Tuesday         1st Friday]

At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World the
work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed promise" and
"might go far," and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would
pretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darkly
that he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch!

In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for is
there not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for women
only) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus--

    _The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos,_
    _But right or left, as strikes the Player goes,_
    _And SHE who tossed it down into the field,_
    _SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!_




PREFACE

_STRICTLY PRIVATE_

_For the Reader Only_


DEAR READER:

This is for _you_, and you only. We have concealed it between chapters
one and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours.

We have a confession to make--it would be useless to attempt
concealment--we have the Digression habit.

We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable.

All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favour
us with a gentle reminder.




CHAPTER II

A LONG JUMP

[Illustration]


It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography,
to Peter Simple.

When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the
fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped--Strabo, Anaximander,
Hecatœus, Demœritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicœarchus,
Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,--he may well
be thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet.

The Geographer's task is endless.

The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its
appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer
completion than it was in the beginning.

[Illustration]

The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new
shapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away
the mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean busy insects
are building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth,
Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy
the old ones.

It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished.

In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only
two people in the world.

Today we are preparing to put up the "standing room only" notice. In
another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round
dark and tenantless and bearing the sign "To Let." What does it matter
to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth?
Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof.




CHAPTER III

THE GIDDY GLOBE


Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things that
cannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid.

Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, a
Midge; and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball--

    _Roll on, thou ball, roll on!_
    _Through pathless realms of Space_
          _Roll on!_
    _What though I'm in a sorry case?_
    _What though I cannot meet my bills?_
    _What though I suffer toothache's ills?_
    _What though I swallow countless pills?_
          _Never you mind_
          _Roll on!_
                (_It rolls on._)

But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (even
paid) to distort the language, and they must not be taken too
literally.

The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.

Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In the
hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but
though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an
hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in
taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over.

No wonder the globe is giddy!


_QUESTIONS_

_Explain the Nebular Hypothesis._

_State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the Aurora
Borealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves._

_Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave._




CHAPTER IV

THE USE OF THE GLOBE


What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made to
supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth
herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the
question.

 [Illustration: THE FRIENDLY COW.
 From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker.

 Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten by the
 author before the photograph could be taken.]

To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco Plant, and many other things
that we classify among the needs of Man, including the "Friendly Cow"--

    _She walks among the flowers sweet_
      _And chews and chews and chews,_
    _And turns them into friendly meat,_
      _And pleasant boots and shoes._

But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret heart regard the classification
as anything but friendly. For all we know, in the hidden scheme of
Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into
the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through the
Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment.

And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of time there may be no Tobacco
Plant.

Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War for
Freedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have gone
to join the Grape Vines of California!

Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea----*

                                         * The Author _is_ digressing.
                                                          _The Reader._


_QUESTIONS_

_What is "Friendship"?_

_Why is the Cow "friendly"?_

_Is the Oyster friendly?_

_When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less than
one-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?_




CHAPTER V

THE EQUATOR

[Illustration]


The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes
round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.

We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of
her waist, has never been able to see it.

To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles the
very existence of toes is purely problematical.

To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be
impossible even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the
Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator.

To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted
the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way
hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining
to feminine attire.

Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of
self-esteem.

Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as
"Luminaries" and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishing
light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged.

    _Oh would some Power the giftie gie her_
    _To see, as other Planets see her!_


_QUESTIONS_

_Can an imaginary line be said to exist?_

_If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?_




CHAPTER VI

THE EARTH'S CRUST


Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth's Crust as if there were
only one Crust.

Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines,
know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and the
Under Crust.

The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and
agreeable and much sought after.

The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for
its existence is to hold up the Upper Crust.

To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess--

    _The Upper Crust is light as snow_
      _And gay with sugar-rime;_
    _The Under Crust must stay below,_
      _It has a horrid time._

When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy
for the popular taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust
becomes the Upper Crust.

These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.

You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have
in one's system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to mind it in the
least.

Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of
a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter.

The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe.

The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by the
leading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof
of the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a----*

                                           * Take it away, or we won't
                                             read another word!
                                                          _The Reader._

Oh, very well! We never did care much for pie anyway, not even for
breakfast.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER VII

THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE

[Illustration]


In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the Giddy Globe (as we have
remarked before) is unable to keep comfortably warm all over.

Her Temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and lower
extremities to fever heat in the region of her equatorial diaphragm.

Ancient Geographers indicated these variations of temperature by means
of _Zones_.

The Term Zone is derived from the Greek word ζωνη a Belt or
Girdle, and a Girdle in the days of the First Geography Book was the
principal (if not the only) garment of a well dressed person.

Today, however, the Girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume.

No modern Costumer would countenance such a "model," it would be too
easy to copy and consequently unprofitable.

Even the "Knee-plus-ultra" of Newport or Palm Beach Society would
hesitate to pose for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in a one-piece
Bathing Girdle.

You might explore the World of Dress, from the Land of the Midnight
Follies to the Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothing
exactly like it.

It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until--

    _The two extremes of décolleté_
      _Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach_
    _Here meet in a bewildering way_
      _And mingle all the charms of each._

Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography Book, should we depict the Giddy
Globe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones?

In striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasing
compromise.

[Illustration: (A, E, C, D markers)]

At least it is up-to-date.

A. and E. are the two extremities of the Giddy Globe, which are quite
bare.

They correspond to the Frigid Zones.

C. is the Corset, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to the
Torrid.

D. is--that is to say are----*

                                     * Pardon us for interrupting--but
                                       we thought this was to be a
                                       geography book.
                                                          _The Reader._




CHAPTER VIII

THE AGE OF THE GLOBE

[Illustration: THE NEW WORLD / THE OLD WORLD]


Some people are sensitive about their ages. The Giddy Globe has never
told us hers.

Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can't be a
day under five billion years old.

Theologians, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as a
shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers.

Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging tum rather than with the
bulging forehead; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat man of science!

    _Happy the man with the bulging Tum,_
    _Who smiles and smiles and is never glum!--_
    _But alas for the man with the bulging brow,_
    _If he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how!_

If the Giddy Globe asked _us_ to guess her age, we should say, without a
moment's hesitation, "Whatever it is you certainly don't look it!"

Astronomers may say what they like, a Planet is as old as it looks,
especially if it is a Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she didn't
look a June day over sixteen! and, not having a bulging forehead, we
told her so!

Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about the
sex of the Planets?

With the exception of Mother Earth and old Sol Phœbus,--nothing!

If you asked an Astronomer whether the Pleiad girls were really the
daughters of Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight Moons (if they
_were_ Moons), he would think you were trifling with him.

But is it not possible that the old Greek tales were the garbled gossip
of an age-forgotten science of which we have only the A.B.C.?

If it is Love that makes the world go round (and who can prove that it
isn't?), what makes the other Planets go round?

How about the movements of the Heavenly Bodies?

How about----*

                                       * This is all very interesting,
                                         but don't you think perhaps
                                         it is----
                                                          _The Reader._

Quite right! Quite right! how we do run on!

[Illustration]




CHAPTER IX

THE FACE OF THE GLOBE


There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit.

Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty Spheroid who
spends her time pirouetting round in a circle with all her might and
main.

Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and not
merely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere.

In these days such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious.

Where does she come from?

Where is she going?

She refuses to answer, she will not even state her business or tell her
real name.

For æons (quite a number of æons) this Giddy one has been going round
under various male and female aliases such as--Cosmos, Mother Earth, The
World, Mrs. Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe.

If you look up her record you will find the following press notices--

 "The Earth's a thief."
          Timon of Athens.

 "Earth's bitter."
          Wordsworth.

 "This distracted Globe."
          Hamlet.

 "This tough World."
          King Lear.

 "Naughty World."
          Merchant of Venice.

 "This World is given to Lying."
          Henry IV.

 "The World is too much with us."
          Wordsworth.

 "The World is grown so bad."
          Richard III.

 "The narrow World."
          Julius Cæsar.

 "The World is not thy friend."
          Romeo and Juliet.

 "The World's a bubble."
          Bacon.

 "This World is all a fleeting show."
          Moore.

 "The World was not worthy."
          St. Paul.

 "The World's a tragedy."
          Horace Walpole.

 "This bleak World."
          Moore.

 "The weary weight of all this unintelligible World."
          Wordsworth.

 "A World of vile ill-favoured faults."
          Merry Wives of Windsor.

 "Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this World."
          Hamlet.

 "This dim spot that men call Earth."
          Milton.

 "The wicked World."
          W. S. Gilbert.

It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read the above clippings and,
realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her might
to avoid being photographed for the Rogues' Gallery of the Universe.

Appearances are certainly against her.

       *       *       *

    _When I am moved to contemplate_
    _The rude and unregenerate state_
    _Of that rampageous reprobate_
            _The World at large,_
    _And as I mark its stony phiz_
    _And see it whoop and whirl and whiz,_
    _I can but cry--O Lord, why is_
            _The World at large?_




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN LONDON]




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN CHICAGO]




CHAPTER X

CLIMATE AND WEATHER


Climate is a Theory. Weather is a condition.

Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Climate is a Hypothesis and
Weather is a _Reductio ad Absurdum_. This explains why it invariably
snows for the first time in years whenever one goes to California.

[Illustration: A TREE]

What is the Weather for?

Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures
of Mankind.

From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is
made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our
newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our
soldiers' boots.

From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee--that
mysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been
revealed.

From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier's
blanket.

From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and
crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden
champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.

Even the humble straw has its uses--to indicate the trend of the air
current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.

What then is the use of the Weather?

Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live.
What would you do to make them feel at home?

You would give them something to talk about.

Just so--the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of
conversation for Man.

Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in
their infancy.

In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the
Weather was made.

Since then, nothing has been so much talked about as the Weather, and
in nothing has so little advance been made.


_QUESTIONS_

_Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?_

_Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?_

_How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of
one turnip?_

_What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?_




CHAPTER XI

LAND AND WATER

[Illustration: STEAMSHIP BATTLING WITH THE MARCEL WAVES]


The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and
green.

The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams,
submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes
and whales.

The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with
human beings and other animals and vegetables.

[Illustration: THE COLLEGE YELL OF A SCHOOL OF WHALES]

Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands,
rivers, forests and lakes.

 [Illustration: THE PRESIDENTIAL RANGE
 Showing comparative height of principal peaks.--Reading from left to
 right: Mt. Washington--Jefferson--Lincoln--Cleveland--Roosevelt--Wilson.

 Note:--At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over
 the last two peaks.--Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to
 ascertain their altitudes.]

In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today
they serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named
(_See Presidential Range_), and country seats for retired Grocers
and Fishmongers.

Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.

Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as
Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous
shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.

[Illustration: A RIVER BED]

The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as
it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its
days.

The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the
single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.


_QUESTIONS_

_How many rivers can get into one river-bed?_

_Why is a Congressman?_




[Illustration: NOAH SIGHTING ARARAT]

    When Noah saw the flood subside,
    "The world is going dry!" he cried,
    "So let us all, without delay,
    Fill up against a drouthy day."




CHAPTER XII

THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD


In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were
cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000
B.C.

Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.

[Illustration: NOAH]

It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six
hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.

Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days,
landed from his zoölogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag
called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.




CHAPTER XIII

THE HABITABLE GLOBE


The term "Habitable Globe" was doubtless invented by some Celestial
Humorist who had never visited this planet.

People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere
else to live.

The Giddy Globe ...*

                                    * Isn't it about time to drop this
                                      personal simile?
                                                          _The Reader._

... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.

We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily
constructed.

The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the
Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and
those between too changeable for comfort.

The Water Supply is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbers
perish every year from thirst.

In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of
regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time
to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.

The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the
house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints.
When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to
stay, nothing can stop him.

His name is Tempus.




CHAPTER XIV

THE TENANTS


The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been
compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not
allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.

[Illustration: POST-IMPRESSIONIST SAVAGE]

On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each
family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and
they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable
rooms.

The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have
been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come
in five shades of fast colours--Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and
White,--the White being farthest away from the Stove.

There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,--varying
from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the
delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.

This last is the most delectable of all--but, alas, it is the one that
fades most quickly.

[Illustration: PERFECT LADY]




CHAPTER XV

RACE


All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one
uniform shade.

[Illustration: MILL-RACE]

Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only
fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.

To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get
rid of all the other tints.

All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has
always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.

A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the
efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather is
locked up the secret of Race Colouration.

[Illustration:BLACK-RACE]

And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization
(with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few
others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that
they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!

A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one
Drink, one everything.

How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and
forever which it is to be--Blonde or Brunette!

Oh those Wise and Great Ones!

[Illustration]




CHAPTER XVI

GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE


The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth's lines:

              _"The simple plan_
    _That they should take who have the power_
    _And they should keep who can."_

In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the
wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker,
stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of
remaining on earth.

Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.

In a Republic, they are Sold.

For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is
necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are
managing their own affairs.

[Illustration]

This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of
Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.

These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving
squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.


_QUESTIONS_

_Q. What is a Constitution?_

_A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death._

_Q. What is the essential difference between one government and
another?_

_A. The price of life._




CHAPTER XVII

THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE


According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom
handed down to us by our First Parents.

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the
psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous
organism.

In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural
geographical latitude.

This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in
which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to
differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their
proper geographical environment.

(_See Moral Map of the World._)


       *       *       *       *       *




PART II

THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH


The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English
speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.

The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the
British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.

The rest are just Foreign Countries.




CHAPTER XVIII

THE POLES


The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and
South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.

This chapter is about the North Pole.

The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.

It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.

Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving
colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.

The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is
English.

The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of
Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the
language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the
footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.

[Illustration: Map of THE ARCTIC OCEAN OR THE WHITE SEA]

Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the
present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.

The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers,
Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a
well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.

[Illustration: THE MAGNETIC POLE]

So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by
the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so
successful as an advertising medium.




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN NEW YORK]




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PHILADELPHIA]




CHAPTER XIX

AMERICA

[Illustration]


Let us see America first.

On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as
the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.

One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!

But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared
about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England,
you will understand that discovering America in those days was no
child's play.

Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.

How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less
what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!

[Illustration: EARLY MAP OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE]

After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a
conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.

No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they
meant.

And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so
runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.

America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.

Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to
the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a
magazine article on his Impressions of America.

[Illustration]

A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is
easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named
Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole
continent in his own name.

By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of
America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the
horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.

And still they come--and though it is too late to secure a copyright on
the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of
America.




[Illustration: THE MAYFLOWER]




CHAPTER XX

BOSTON

[Illustration: BOSTON _And Vicinity_]


In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously
discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in
Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and
Ancestors.

Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the
manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and
canine).

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.

[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN BOSTON]

The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as

    _"The home of the Bean and the Cod_
    _Where Lowells speak only to Cabots_
    _And Cabots speak only to God."_

Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet
named Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors?

Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well
repay a visit.

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither
are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.




CHAPTER XXI

THE UNITED STATES


The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely
surrounded by Trusts.

It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful,
nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.

[Illustration]

When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a
cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they
are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market
price.

To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and
Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I.
Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.

At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been
destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere
long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious
Tobac----*

                                        * We fail to see what this has
                                          to do with Geography.
                                                          _The Reader._

[Illustration: A PILGRIM LANDING]

Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry
country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by
Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population
consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are
Americans.

[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL STRAPHANGERS]

[Illustration]

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless
show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.

A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they
may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from
strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.

The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale
Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.

[Illustration]

The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim
Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of
the fashions for future use.

The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers
have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly
exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.

[Illustration]

Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no
perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that
the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers.
Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius
than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and
night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse
and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.

[Illustration]

Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once
popular favourite.

People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.

The Capitol of the United States is Washington--named after a famous
Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat
German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.

New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains
over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages
besides English.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration: UNCLE SAM'S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART

  1  Thirst                       23  Aquasity
  2  Self-effacement              24}
  3  Calculation                  25} Prairifulness
  4  Providence                   26  Plainness
  5  Love of the Almighty ($)     27  Incredulity
  6  Justice                      28  Animosity
  7  Somnolence                   29  Nebraskability
  8  Love of Peaches              30  Love of Freedom
  9  Pride of Race                31  Modesty
 10  Nicotianity                  32  Oregonality
 11  Love of Camp-meetings        33  Furbearance
 12  Fruitfulness                 34  Argentility
 13  Coonfulness                  35  Pique
 14  Colour                       36  Breadth
 15  Levity                       37  Presence of Mine
 16  Illicit Spirituality         38  Gamefulness
 17  Love of Travel               39  Conjugality
 18  Size                         40  Cowboyishness
 19  Bashfulness                  41  Sheepishness
 20  Scribosity                   42  Reserve
 21  Armorousness                 43  Reciprocity]
 22  Horse Sense




CHAPTER XXII

CANADA


Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America
not ruled by the Irish.

[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]

In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers
who wished to retire from private life.

It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from
thirst.

Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still
more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best
of friends.

For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or
a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line
between the two countries.

Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, "severed home ties"; she is
perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a
latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able
to understand "why girls leave home."

Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so
much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any
musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a "sister
turn."

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER XXIII

GREAT BRITAIN


If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of
Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of
Idaho.

 [Illustration: THE PLANET JUPITER
                (from a photograph)]

But a Country must not be judged by its size.

The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours,
and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not
a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and
somewhat spotty.

This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of
one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United
States.

[Illustration: THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING UNION
 _From poster by James Montgomery Flagg._]

The English People, or (if one _must_ be accurate) the British, are the
most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable
when they are tired of going _to and fro_ they reverse the process and
go _fro and to_.

    _With Bibles and Bathtubs_
    _And Ballots and Beer_
    _And Hope and Hygienics_
    _They girdle the Sphere._

[Illustration: THE PRUDENTIAL HAS THE STRENGTH OF GIBRALTAR]

In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government
which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the
British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the
earth.

The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the
United States, compared to champagne.

London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence
of Sky-Scrapers.

London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era,
Respectability.

For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris,
Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their
degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).

This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the
French motto of British respectability (_Honi soit qui mal y pense_)
done into English.

The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and
Barometers.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER XXIV

SCOTLAND


A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.

[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]

The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of
the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of
all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.

The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and
joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.

Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny)
Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from "Bonnet," the national
headgear.

The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER XXV

IRELAND

[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]


[Illustration]

Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose
cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at
once.

The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and
Emigrants to the United States.

They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster
and an Itinerant President.

[Illustration: SCENE IN IRISH HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT]

The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the
Serpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was one
of these Absentee snakes.

Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St.
Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "_more savage than the Britons,
feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to
devour their deceased fathers_."

Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the
national beverage.

The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A]
Poteen and Bernard Shaw.

 [A] The term _Patriot_ is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a
 patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration: THE GIDDY GLOBE CONSOLING IRELAND]




CHAPTER XXVI

WALES

[Illustration]

    _See the Welsh Rabbit--he is bred on cheese;_
    _(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please)._
    _Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd think_
    _That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?_
                                     _Carolyn Wells._


Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in
which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese,
Celtic and Chocktaw, is _barred_ from the concert and operatic stage.

The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of
Wales and Lloyd George.

The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of
Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor
in keeping the world awake.

Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing
dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world
awake.

Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the
footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long
after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!

The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:

    _"Hurray!" cried the Kitten,_
            _"Hurray!"_
     _As he merrily set the sails,_
    _"I sail o'er the ocean_
            _today, today,_
     _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_

    _"Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!_
     _And think of the angry gales!"_
    _"Ah, yes," cried the Kitten, "but think!_
     _Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!"_

    _"But, Kitten," I cried, dismayed,_
    _"If you live through the angry gales_
     _You know you will be afraid_
     _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_

     _Said the Kitten, "No such thing!_
     _Why should he make me wince?_
     _If a Cat may look at a King,_
     _A Kitten may look at a Prince!"_


       *       *       *       *       *




PART III

FOREIGN COUNTRIES




CHAPTER XXVII

SOUTH AMERICA


From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of
North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of
matrimony.

 [Illustration: SOUTH AMERICAN WILD HORSE
 (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]

They were seemingly inseparable.

The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this
long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De
Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa)
attempted to bring about a separation.

The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight
years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.

Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all
obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans,
started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De
Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and
the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously
celebrated.

The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever
and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to
spend an evening with the Pacific.




CHAPTER XXVIII

HOLLAND

[Illustration]


The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch
cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a
strap.

In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the
cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks
of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.

The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are
kept busy posing for the landscape painters.

Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted
everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some
useful task.

And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom,
is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and
railroads.

The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace
Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss
the Economics of War.

_Firstly_, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least
possible damage to Vested Interests.

_Secondly_, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while
putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the
possibility of repair for use in another War.

Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is
dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in
Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.




CHAPTER XXIX

BELGIUM


Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic
flavour.

Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of
Belgium is the modern Horatius who

    _" ... facing fearful odds,_
    _For the ashes of his fathers_
    _And the temples of his Gods,"_

kept "the bridge" in the brave days of 1914.

Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown
of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and
besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.

When Julius Cæsar described the Belgians as the "Bravest of all the
Gauls" he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and if they hadn't "kept the bridge" the World War could
never have been won.




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PARIS]




CHAPTER XXX

FRANCE

[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]


France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France
is Paris.

Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for
its gaiety.

The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green,
Parasols and Pâté de fois gras.*

                              * Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!
                               _Pâté de fois gras_ is the product
                                of Strasburg.
                                                          _The Reader._

The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France,
and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now
French.

Paris is divided into two parts--

I. Paris Proper.

Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and
the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.

There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and
statues.

II. Paris Improper.

 .............................................................

 .............................................................

 .............................................................
                                               (See Appendix.)

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.




CHAPTER XXXI

GERMANY


_THIS SPACE TO LET_

[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]

While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs.
Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented
for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other
popular Ism that may apply.




CHAPTER XXXII

SWITZERLAND


Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers,
and Heroes.

The Swiss are an Artless people.

 "What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition,
 and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one
 (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock
 that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained
 in its box."
                                                        _Whistler._

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people
in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
World War.




CHAPTER XXXIII

MONACO

[Illustration]


Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.

Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to
spin.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.




CHAPTER XXXIV

TURKEY

[Illustration]


When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this)
shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite,
fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the "_ ... last
scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history._"

All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has
mentally reserved for himself.

Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia
and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.

The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting
each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there
won't be any slices!

    _You may burn, you may shatter_
      _The Turk if you will,_
    _He will rise from his ashes_
      _And roost with you still._

He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phœnix Bird.

Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless
people; they have many wives.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the
World War.




[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PETROGRAD]




CHAPTER XXXV

RUSSIA


Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe.
Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a
Superczar named Lenine.

The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the
Steppes.

The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do
with those of the Russian Dancers.

At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to
the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only--and easy at
that!

Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice
and Press Dispatches.

Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has
never been such an enorm----*

                                             * Why go on about Russia?
                                                          _The Reader._

Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.

[Illustration: Map of THE BLACK SEA]

We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.

Watch your Steppe!




CHAPTER XXXVI

NORWAY AND SWEDEN


It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country
couple--or couple of countries--it would be hard to meet anywhere, and
so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy
of the world?

And everybody knows what Propinquity does.

It is Cupid's middle name; what more natural than that they should get
married?

Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married
in Vienna in 1815, and--well, you know Propinquity is the Devil's middle
name, too--they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only
ninety years!

What could have been the trouble?

Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it
was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu--

 Pjkled Ojsters
 Bjsque of Snajls
 Frjed Fjsh
 Natjve Wjne
 Qujnce Jce-cream
 Onjons and Bjsqujts

It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it
has what the average theatre-goer calls "atmosphere."

[Illustration]

    _I once drew Ibsen, looking bored_
    _Across a deep Norwegian Fjord,_
    _And very nearly everyone_
    _Mistook him for the Midnight Sun._

Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the
stagey, Drama.

James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great
and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway "The Land of the
Midnight Whiskers."

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic
People in the World, and they won the World War.




CHAPTER XXXVII

AFRICA

"The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.


Africa is the richest "jack-pot" in the game of territorial "freeze-out"
played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold,
ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the
limit.

 [Illustration: AN ELEPHANT
 (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]

The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning
of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still
in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has
dropped out.

 [Illustration: A LION
 (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]

The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as "the
fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar
animals; of lions also and panthers." He does not mention the
Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal
inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being
bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving
transportation from their native jungle.

[Illustration]

    _Children, behold the Chimpanzee!_
    _He sits on the ancestral tree_
    _From which we sprang in ages gone,_
    _I'm glad we sprang--had we held on_
    _We might, for all that I can say,_
    _Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day._

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.




CHAPTER XXXVIII

ARABIA

 [Illustration: A Camel
 (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]


Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.

    "The Camel may be likened to
     A desert ship. (This is not new.)
     He is a most ungainly craft,
     With frowning turrets fore and aft
     We little realize on earth,
     How much we owe to his great girth,
     For should he ever shrink so small
     As through the needle's eye to crawl,
     Rich men might climb the golden stairs
     And so leave nothing to their heirs."

The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to
resemble the motion of a ship.

[Illustration: A BEDOUIN / A FOLDING-BEDOUIN]

To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not
quite so bad as a motor bus.

The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds
or water in any form.

He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.

The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be
related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.




CHAPTER XXXIX

AUSTRALIA


Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons,
should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the
twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the
twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.

[Illustration]

The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in
eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus
Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines

    My child, the Duck-billed Platypus
    A sad example sets for us.
    From him we learn how indecision
    Of character provokes derision.
    This vacillating beast, you see,
    Could not decide which he would be--
    Fish, flesh or fowl--and chose all three.
    The scientists were sorely vexed,
    To classify him so perplexed
    Their brains that they with rage at bay
    Called him a horrid name one day,
    A name that baffles, frights and shocks us
    Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER XL

CHINA

[Illustration]


China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive
flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.

The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little
flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to
cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.

The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is
the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the
ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything
she possesses.

Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee
Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation
wants a door that opens only outwards.

At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a
Revolving Door as a compromise.

A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report
on Revolving Doors.

The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.

       *       *       *

The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.




CHAPTER XLI

JAPAN

[Illustration: (Japanese text)]

     TRANSLATION

     The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
     the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
     World War.




CHAPTER XLII

EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC.

[Illustration]


No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of
these six (counting, etc.) countries.

If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important
countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.

Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a
journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and
shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of
countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always
find that you have left out at least several of the most important
things.

No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six
such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can
be.

The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a
row and see which you can get along best without; you can't possibly
spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little
countries together would----*

                                         * You are digressing again,
                                           worse than ever! This thing
                                           has got to stop!
                                                          _The Reader._

Oh, very well! If that's the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop
right here.

[Illustration: THE END]


       *       *       *       *       *




EPILOGUE


    _If this little world to-night_
      _Suddenly should fall thro' space_
    _In a hissing, headlong flight_
      _Shrivelling from off its face,_
    _As it falls into the sun,_
      _In an instant every trace_
    _Of the little crawling things--_
      _Ants, philosophers, and lice,_
    _Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,_
      _Beggars, millionaires, and mice,_
    _Men and maggots all as one_
      _As it falls into the sun--_
    _Who can say but at the same_
      _Instant from some planet far_
    _A child may watch us and exclaim:_
      _"See the pretty shooting star!"_




APPENDIX

_See next page._




THE APPENDIX

_has been removed._