Produced by David Widger





QUOTES AND IMAGES FROM MARK TWAIN




QUOTATIONS FROM MARK TWAIN





SOME OF THE EDITOR'S FAVORITES


Aim and object of the law and lawyers
was to defeat justice

All life seems to be sacred except
human life

Always trying to build a house by
beginning at the top

Believed it; because she desired to
believe it

Best intentions and the frailest
resolution

But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody
good

But there are liars everywhere this
year

Cayote is a living, breathing allegory
of Want

Children were clothed in nothing but
sunshine

Contempt of Court on the part of a
horse

Fertile in invention and elastic in
conscience

Fun--but of a mild type

Grief that is too deep to find help in
moan or groan or outcry

Haughty humility

I was not scared, but I was
considerably agitated

I had a delicacy about going home and
getting thrashed

If the man doesn't believe as we do, we
say he is a crank

Imagination to help his memory

Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage
in his statements

It used to be a good hotel, but that
proves nothing

It is easier to stay out than get out

It had cost something to upholster
these women

Keg of these nails--of the true cross

Let me take your grief and help you
carry it

Life a vanity and a burden, and the
future but a way to death

Man is the only animal that blushes--or
needs to

Man was not a liar he only missed it by
the skin of his teeth

Money is most difficult to get when
people need it most

Native canoe is an irresponsible
looking contrivance

No people who are quite so vulgar as
the over-refined ones

No nation occupies a foot of land that
was not stolen

Nothing that glitters is gold

Notion that he is less savage than the
other savages

Nursed his woe and exalted it

Ostentatious of his modesty

Otherwise they would have thought I was
afraid, which I was

People talk so glibly of "feeling,"
"expression," "tone,"

Pity is for the living, Envy is for the
dead

Predominance of the imagination over
the judgment

Profound respect for chastity--in other
people

Prosperity is the best protector of
principle

Received with a large silence that
suggested doubt

Road, which did not seem to know its
own mind exactly

Room to turn around in, but not to
swing a cat

Scenery in California requires distance

Seventy is old enough--after that,
there is too much risk

Sleep that heals all heart-aches and
ends all sorrows

Slept, if one might call such a
condition by so strong a name

Smell about them which is peculiar but
not entertaining

Takes your enemy and your friend,
working together, to hurt you

The man with a new idea is a Crank
until the idea succeeds

To a delicate stomach even imaginary
smoke can convey damage

Tourists showing how things ought to be
managed

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry
and narrow-mindedness

Uncomplaining impoliteness

Very pleasant man if you were not in
his way

Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity

Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and
now I owe two millions

We ought never to do wrong when people
are looking

We must create, a public opinion, said
Senator Dilworthy

Well provided with cigars and other
necessaries of life

What's a fair wind for us is a head
wind to them

Whichever one they get is the one they
want

Worth while to get tired out, because
one so enjoys resting

Wrinkles should merely indicate where
smiles have been

Your absence when you are present





A FEW SELECTED BOOKS


FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR

Against nature to take an interest in familiar things
Age after age, the barren and meaningless process
All life seems to be sacred except human life
But there are liars everywhere this year
Capacity must be shown (in other work); in the law,
     concealment of it will do
Christmas brings harassment and dread to many excellent people
Climate which nothing can stand except rocks
Creature which was everything in general and nothing in particular
Custom supersedes all other forms of law
Death in life; death without its privileges
Every one is a moon, and has a dark side
Exercise, for such as like that kind of work
Explain the inexplicable
Faith is believing what you know ain't so
Forbids betting on a sure thing
Forgotten fact is news when it comes again
Get your formalities right--never mind about the moralities
Give thanks that Christmas comes but once a year
Good protections against temptations; but the surest is cowardice
Goody-goody puerilities and dreary moralities
Habit of assimilating incredibilities
Human pride is not worth while
Hunger is the handmaid of genius
If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank
Inherited prejudices in favor of hoary ignorances
It is easier to stay out than get out
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to
Meddling philanthropists
Melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy
Moral sense, and there is an Immoral Sense
Most satisfactory pet--never coming when he is called
Natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs
Neglected her habits, and hadn't any
Never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt
No nation occupies a foot of land that was not stolen
No people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones
Notion that he is less savage than the other savages
Only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want
Ostentatious of his modesty
Otherwise they would have thought I was afraid, which I was
Pity is for the living, Envy is for the dead
Prosperity is the best protector of principle
Received with a large silence that suggested doubt
Seventy is old enough--after that, there is too much risk
Silent lie and a spoken one
Sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw over
Takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you
Thankfulness is not so general
The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds
This is a poor old ship, and ought to be insured and sunk
To a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage
Tourists showing how things ought to be managed
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been




THE INNOCENTS ABROAD

Ancient painters never succeeded in denationalizing themselves
Apocryphal New Testament
Astonishing talent for seeing things that had already passed
Bade our party a kind good-bye, and proceeded to count spoons
Base flattery to call them immoral
Bones of St Denis
But it is an ill-wind that blows nobody good
Buy the man out, goodwill and all
By dividing this statement up among eight
Carry soap with them
Chapel of the Invention of the Cross
Christopher Colombo
Clustered thick with stony, mutilated saints
Commend me to Fennimore Cooper to find beauty in the Indians
Conceived a sort of unwarrantable unfriendliness
Confer the rest of their disastrous patronage on some other firm
Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo!
Cringing spirit of those great men
Diffident young man, mild of moustache, affluent of hair
Expression
Felt that it was not right to steal grapes
Fenimore Cooper Indians
Filed away among the archives of Russia--in the stove
For dismal scenery, I think Palestine must be the prince
Free from self-consciousness--which is at breakfast
Fumigation is cheaper than soap
Fun--but of a mild type
Getting rich very deliberately--very deliberately indeed
Guides
Have a prodigious quantity of mind
He never bored but he struck water
He ought to be dammed--or leveed
Holy Family always lived in grottoes
How tame a sight his country's flag is at home
I am going to try to worry along without it
I carried the sash along with me--I did not need the sash
I had a delicacy about going home and getting thrashed
I was not scared, but I was considerably agitated
Is, ah--is he dead?
It is a hopeless, dreary, heart-broken land
It is inferior--for coffee--but it is pretty fair tea
It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing
It was warm.  It was the warmest place I ever was in
Joshua
Journals so voluminously begun
Keg of these nails--of the true cross
Lean and mean old age
Man peculiarly and insufferably self-conceited: not seasick
Marks the exact centre of the earth
Nauseous adulation of princely patrons
Never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language
Never left any chance for newspaper controversies
Never uses a one-syllable word when he can think of a longer one
No satisfaction in being a Pope in those days
Not afraid of a million Bedouins
Not bring ourselves to think St John had two sets of ashes
Old Travelers
One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare
Only solitary thing one does not smell in Turkey
Oriental splendor!
Original first shoddy contract mentioned in history
Overflowing his banks
People talk so glibly of "feeling," "expression," "tone,"
Perdition catch all the guides
Picture which one ought to see once--not oftener
Polite hotel waiter who isn't an idiot
Relic matter a little overdone?
Room to turn around in, but not to swing a cat
Saviour, who seems to be of little importance any where in Rome
Self-satisfied monarch, the railroad conductor of America
Sentimental praises of the Arab's idolatry of his horse
She assumes a crushing dignity
Shepherd's Hotel, which is the worst on earth
Smell about them which is peculiar but not entertaining
Some people can not stand prosperity
Somewhat singular taste in the matter of relics
St Charles Borromeo, Bishop of Milan
St Helena, the mother of Constantine
Starving to death
Stirring times here for a while if the last trump should blow
Tahoe means grasshoppers.  It means grasshopper soup
The information the ancients didn't have was very voluminous
The Last Supper
There was a good deal of sameness about it
They were like nearly all the Frenchwomen I ever saw--homely
They were seasick.   And I was glad of it
Those delightful parrots who have "been here before"
To give birth to an idea
Toll the signal for the St Bartholomew's Massacre
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness
Uncomplaining impoliteness
Under the charitable moon
Used fine tooth combs--successfully
Venitian visiting young ladies
Wandering Jew
Wasn't enough of it to make a pie
We all like to see people seasick when we are not, ourselves
Well provided with cigars and other necessaries of life
What's a fair wind for us is a head wind to them
Whichever one they get is the one they want
Who have actually forgotten their mother tongue in three months
Worth while to get tired out, because one so enjoys resting




ROUGHING IT

Aim and object of the law and lawyers was to defeat justice
American saddle
Cayote is a living, breathing allegory of Want
Children were clothed in nothing but sunshine
Contempt of Court on the part of a horse
Feared a great deal more than the almighty
Fertile in invention and elastic in conscience
Give one's watch a good long undisturbed spell
He was nearly lightnin' on superintending
He was one of the deadest men that ever lived
Hotel clerk who was crusty and disobliging
I had never seen lightning go like that horse
Juries composed of fools and rascals
List of things which we had seen and some other people had not
Man was not a liar he only missed it by the skin of his teeth
Most impossible reminiscences sound plausible
Native canoe is an irresponsible looking contrivance
Never knew there was a hell!
Nothing that glitters is gold
Profound respect for chastity--in other people
Scenery in California requires distance
Slept, if one might call such a condition by so strong a name
Useful information and entertaining nonsense
Virtuous to the verge of eccentricity




THE GILDED AGE

Accidental murder resulting from justifiable insanity
Always trying to build a house by beginning at the top
Appropriation
Beautiful credit!  The foundation of modern society
Believed it; because she desired to believe it
Best intentions and the frailest resolution
Big babies with beards
Cheap sentiment and high and mighty dialogue
Conscious superiority
Does your doctor know any thing
Enjoy icebergs--as scenery but not as company
Erie RR: causeway of cracked rails and cows, to the West
Fever of speculation
Final resort of the disappointed of her sex, the lecture platform
Geographical habits
Get away and find a place where he could despise himself
Gossips were soon at work
Grand old benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless
Grief that is too deep to find help in moan or groan or outcry
Haughty humility
Having no factitious weight of dignity to carry
Imagination to help his memory
Invariably advised to settle--no matter how, but settle
Invariably allowed a half for shrinkage in his statements
Is this your first visit?
It had cost something to upholster these women
Large amount of money necessary to make a small hole
Later years brought their disenchanting wisdom
Let me take your grief and help you carry it
Life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death
Mail train which has never run over a cow
Meant no harm they only wanted to know
Money is most difficult to get when people need it most
Never sewed when she could avoid it.  Bless her!
Nursed his woe and exalted it
Predominance of the imagination over the judgment
Question was asked and answered--in their eyes
Riches enough to be able to gratify reasonable desires
Road, which did not seem to know its own mind exactly
Sarcasms of fate
Sleep that heals all heart-aches and ends all sorrows
Small gossip stood a very poor chance
Sun bothers along over the Atlantic
Think a Congress of ours could convict the devil of anything
Titles never die in America
Too much grace and too little wine
Understood the virtues of "addition, division and silence"
Unlimited reliance upon human promises
Very pleasant man if you were not in his way
Wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions
"We must create, a public opinion," said Senator Dilworthy
We'll make you think you never was at home before
We've all got to come to it at last, anyway!
Widened, and deepened, and straightened--(Public river Project)
Wished that she could see his sufferings now
Your absence when you are present




MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES

A little pride always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains
Ain't any real difference between triplets and an insurrection
Chastity, you can carry it too far
Classic: everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read
Don't know anything and can't do anything
Dwell on the particulars with senile rapture
Future great historian is lying--and doubtless will continue to
Head is full of history, and some of it is true, too
Humor enlivens and enlightens his morality
I shall never be as dead again as I was then
If can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road: don't go
Kill a lot of poets for writing about "Beautiful Spring"
Live upon the property of their heirs so long
Morality is all the better for his humor
Morals: rather teach them than practice them any day
Never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why
Never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake
Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel
Please state what figure you hold him at--and return the basket
Principles is another name for prejudices
She bears our children--ours as a general thing
Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress
The Essex band done the best it could
Time-expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase
To exaggerate is the only way I can approximate to the truth
Two kinds of Christian morals, one private and the other public
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman?
When in doubt, tell the truth
Women always want to know what is going on




SKETCHES NEW AND OLD

A wood-fire is not a permanent thing
Accessory before the fact to his own murder
Aggregate to positive unhappiness
Always brought in 'not guilty'
Apocryphal was no slouch of a word, emanating from the source
Assertion is not proof
Early to bed and early to rise
I am useless and a nuisance, a cumberer of the earth
I never was so scared before and survived it
If I had sprung a leak now I had been lost
Just about cats enough for three apiece all around
Looked a look of vicious happiness
Lucid and unintoxicated intervals
No matter how absurd and unreasonable their demands
No public can withstand magnanimity
Not because I was afraid, but because I wanted to (go out the window)
Permanent reliable enemy
Science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain
State of mind bordering on impatience
Walking five miles to fish
Was a good deal annoyed when it appeared he was going to die




TWAIN'S LETTERS V1 1835-1866

A mighty national menace to sham
All talk and no cider
Condition my room is always in when you are not around
Deprived of the soothing consolation of swearing
Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it
Genius defies the laws of perspective
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick
I never greatly envied anybody but the dead
In the long analysis of the ages it is the truth that counts
Just about enough cats to go round
Moral bulwark reared against hypocrisy and superstition
The coveted estate of silence, time's only absolute gift
We went outside to keep from getting wet
What a pleasure there is in revenge!
When in doubt, tell the truth
When it is my turn, I don't




TWAIN'S LETTERS V4 1886-1900

And I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55
Argument against suicide
Conversationally being yelled at
Dead people who go through the motions of life
Die in the promptest kind of a way and no fooling around
Heroic endurance that resembles contentment
Honest men must be pretty scarce
I wonder how they can lie so.  It comes of practice, no doubt
If this is going to be too much trouble to you
One should be gentle with the ignorant
Sunday is the only day that brings unbearable leisure
Symbol of the human race ought to be an ax
What a pity it is that one's adventures never happen!




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