Transcriber’s Note
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Alias Santa Claus




By PERCIVAL WILDE


COLLECTED PLAYS:

DAWN AND OTHER ONE-ACT PLAYS OF LIFE TODAY

 DAWN—THE NOBLE LORD—THE TRAITOR—A HOUSE OF CARDS—PLAYING WITH FIRE—THE
 FINGER OF GOD

A QUESTION OF MORALITY AND OTHER PLAYS

 A QUESTION OF MORALITY—CONFESSIONAL—THE VILLAIN IN THE PIECE—ACCORDING
 TO DARWIN—THE BEAUTIFUL STORY

THE UNSEEN HOST AND OTHER WAR PLAYS

 THE UNSEEN HOST—MOTHERS OF MEN—PAWNS—IN THE RAVINE—VALKYRIE!

EIGHT COMEDIES FOR LITTLE THEATRES

 THE SEQUEL—THE PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT—THE DYSPEPTIC OGRE—IN THE NET—A
 WONDERFUL WOMAN—CATESBY—HIS RETURN—EMBRYO

THE INN OF DISCONTENT AND OTHER FANTASTIC PLAYS

 THE INN OF DISCONTENT—LADY OF DREAMS—THE LUCK-PIECE—ASHES OF
 ROMANCE—NOCTURNE


CHILDREN’S PLAYS:

  THE TOY SHOP
  REVERIE
  THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS TREE
  KINGS IN NOMANIA


CRITICISM:

  THE CRAFTSMANSHIP OF THE ONE-ACT PLAY




  Alias Santa Claus

  A Play for Children

  by

  Percival Wilde

  Author of
  “Kings in Nomania,”
  “The Enchanted Christmas Tree,” etc.

  [Illustration: Decoration]

  D. Appleton and Company
  New York :: 1927 :: London




  COPYRIGHT, 1927, BY
  D. APPLETON AND COMPANY

  _All Rights Reserved_


This play is fully protected in all countries by the copyright law,
all requirements of which have been complied with. No performance,
professional or amateur, no public reading, nor any radio broadcast,
may be given without permission of the publisher, D. APPLETON AND
COMPANY, 35 W. 32nd St., New York, or D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 34
Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England.


  Copyright, 1926, by The Pictorial Review Co.

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA




Alias Santa Claus




CHARACTERS


  DAVID MILLMAN, JR.
  HALLIGAN
  VICKY
  DAVID MILLMAN, SR.
  BILL     }
  SLIM     } _Juvenile Delinquents_
  BESSIE     }
  PETE       }
  MAGGIE     }
  T’EODORE   } _Uninvited Guests_
  ANNIE      }
  GROVER     }
  WOODROW    }
  CALVIN     }




Alias Santa Claus


 _It is Christmas day in the Millman home, and the large room upon
 which our curtain rises is appropriately adorned for the occasion. The
 lighting fixtures are gayly festooned. A holly wreath hangs at the big
 window at the back; more wreaths hang from the doors at either side.
 There is a wealth of hothouse flowers._

 _Near the center is a very large and magnificently trimmed Christmas
 tree; a tree so splendid that you gasp when you see it. It is
 surrounded by a small ocean of gifts; enough to stock a fair-sized
 store. A gorgeous bicycle has a place of honor; it is hemmed in by a
 whole library of books, a pair of boxing gloves, two sleds, a regiment
 of the very latest mechanical wonders, enough musical instruments to
 equip a miniature band, and any number of games. There is everything
 you can think of—and more._

 _The toys are most expensive, and you wonder how many children are to
 be made happy by them—and then we tell you that they are all for the
 exclusive use of David Millman, Jr., who is seven years old, and who
 would greatly prefer permission to put on rompers, and play on some
 not too clean floor. But being an only child of a widowed father, and
 being heir to a string of banks, and at least one railroad, and half
 a dozen mansions in town and country, he is not permitted to do such
 things._

       *       *       *       *       *

 _As our play begins the room is empty—but not for long. A face peers
 in through the window at the back, the sash is raised slowly and
 noiselessly, and a fourteen-year-old boy hoists himself across the
 sill. He is roughly dressed. His eyes are covered by a black mask with
 slits in it. Under his arm, with exaggerated care, he carries a gayly
 decorated box of candy._

 _He looks about stealthily, tiptoeing about the room. Then he turns to
 the window to hiss to an accomplice_:

SLIM

Coast’s clear!

 [BILL, _another boy, masked, and wearing a badly fitting beard and
 whiskers, climbs into the room. His appearance is one-half villainous,
 one-half pathetic. He is thin, and he is suffering from a cold._]

Shh!

BILL

I ain’t makin’ no noise—not a w’isper.

 [_He upsets a chair. It is loaded with mechanical toys, and falls
 with a fearful racket._]

SLIM

Sufferin’ cats!

 [_They rush to concealment. There is a dreadful pause. Presently they
 poke their heads out cautiously._]

BILL

Nobody hoid it.

SLIM

Dey must be deef in dis house.

 [_He steals to one door and applies his ear to the keyhole._ BILL,
 _timid in the presence of so much luxury, moves to the other_.]

Well?

BILL

Naw—not a sound.

SLIM

Deef—or asleep!

BILL

Slim, pipe de tree!

SLIM

Ain’t it a boid?

BILL

It’s a humdinger! It’s a pippin! It’s a looloo!

[_He surveys it from top to bottom._]

T’ink of it, Slim, just t’ink of it: a tree like dat—an’ fer _one_ kid!

SLIM

Pretty soft, I’ll tell de woild!

BILL

’Tain’t fair! ’Tain’t! Here we got eight young ’uns at home, an’ I
promised ’em a tree fer Christmas, an’ dey ain’t got nuttin’: not even
a geranium! Gee, wouldn’t dey love dis!

SLIM

[_Scornfully._]

Are yuh gettin’ mushy?

BILL

[_With pathetic bravado._]

_Me_ mushy? I’m hard-boiled!

[_Suddenly._]

Say——

SLIM

W’at?

BILL

I gotta sneeze.

SLIM

Sneeze, an’ I’ll moider yuh!

 [_He crosses hastily to_ BILL, _and waves his arms grotesquely in a
 futile effort to prevent him from sneezing_.]

Now!... Now!... Now!...

BILL

[_Thunderously._]

A-choo!

 [SLIM _hastens to hide_; BILL _follows. There is another dreadful
 pause, but nobody comes to disturb them. Presently_ BILL _becomes
 visible again. Cheerfully._]

Nobody hoid me.

SLIM

[_With unlimited sarcasm._]

Dey t’ought it was just blastin’ in de subway!

BILL

Wouldn’t be surprised if dey did. Sounded like it.

SLIM

Now keep yer eyes open!

 [_He crosses stealthily to the tree, and deposits his box of candy
 at its foot. It is a large box tied up with red ribbon. It is very
 conspicuous._]

Dere!

BILL

Yer sure it ain’t gonna hoit de kid, Slim?

SLIM

Leave it to me!

BILL

[_Hopefully._]

Maybe he won’t eat it.

SLIM

W’at kid won’t eat candy?

BILL

Dis one’s a millionaire kid.

SLIM

He’s a kid just de same, ain’t he? He’ll eat one—maybe two. W’at’s de
diff? One’ll do de trick fine an’ dandy. It won’t hoit him none—

BILL

How do yuh know?

SLIM

Knock-out drops, dat’s all dere’s in ’em. He’ll go off to sleep just as
nice an’ easy—

BILL

W’at good’s dat gonna do us? De rest of ’em ain’t gonna go to sleep,
an’ dere’s a noice, an’ dere’s a guard dat watches him every minute,
an’ dere’s—

SLIM

[_Interrupting._]

Dey’ll all holler fer help—see? Dey’ll run fer a doctor. Dey’ll leave
him right here, alone, an’ dead to de woild, an’ den we lift him outa
de winder, wit’out nobody to stop us.

[_He rubs his hands happily._]

We’ll get a million—a cool million—outa his dad before we give him back.

BILL

[_Eagerly._]

Do yuh t’ink he’ll pay it?

SLIM

[_Grimly._]

He’ll pay it if he expec’s to lay eyes on dat kid again.

BILL

[_Anxiously._]

Slim, yuh wouldn’t hoit de kid?

SLIM

I don’t know what I’d do. I’m desprit!

[_He surveys_ BILL _with scorn_.]

Are yuh gettin’ mushy again?

BILL

[_With his same pathetic bravado._]

_Me_ mushy? I’m hard-boiled!

SLIM

Well, stay dat way!

[_He leads the way toward the window._]

Stick to me, Bill, an’ in a week we’ll be rollin’ in money! A million!
A million!

BILL

I don’t need dat much.

SLIM

[_Going out at the window._]

I’ll take w’at yuh don’t want.

BILL

[_Following._]

I gotta sneeze!

 [SLIM’S _arm reaches up, grabs him by the collar, and hauls him out
 head first. The window closes._]

SLIM

[_Outside._]

Now!... Now!... Now!...

 [_There is a monstrous sneeze._]

 [_There is only an instant’s pause this time. Then, from the right,
 enters_ HALLIGAN, _a brawny middle-aged Irishman, whose business it
 is to guard the young millionaire. He is followed by_ VICKY, _the
 nurse_.]

HALLIGAN

I thought I was after hearin’ something.

VICKY

You’re forever hearing things, Mr. Halligan!

HALLIGAN

[_Seriously._]

I’m paid to keep my eyes and ears open. I’m on the job.

 [_He looks about the room, goes to the window and looks out._]

VICKY

[_Impressed by his earnestness._]

See anybody?

HALLIGAN

Nary a soul!

VICKY

I’m glad of that! With a young millionaire to look out for, it’s
nerve-racking, I tell you! You never know what to expect—you never know
what might happen.

DAVID

 [_Saunters in at the right. He is a winsome, appealing boy of seven,
 dressed in a most expensive and most uncomfortable manner. There is
 an eager look in his face—a look of yearning that has never been
 gratified. What he wants he cannot have, and what he has means very
 little indeed to him._]

Hello, Vicky.

VICKY

Master David, you knew you weren’t to come in here until ten o’clock!

DAVID

[_Glancing at a wrist watch._]

It’s nearly that now, Vicky.

VICKY

Exactly ten, your father said; ten exactly. He’s very busy dictating
letters in his study—he’s brought a lot of work home from the
office—but he’s going to give you a few minutes.

DAVID

[_Without sentimentality._]

I know what that means: a few minutes.

VICKY

You’re not to look at the Christmas tree until he comes.

DAVID

All right; I won’t look.

[_He turns his back squarely on the tree._]

I’ll watch the door, and wait.

[_He faces the left-hand door._]

VICKY

[_Sotto voce, to_ HALLIGAN.]

Did you ever see such a child? You’d think he couldn’t help looking.

HALLIGAN

He doesn’t care about the tree.

VICKY

[_Snapping her fingers._]

Not that much!

HALLIGAN

He doesn’t want to see his presents.

VICKY

Why should he—when he has everything in the world?

HALLIGAN

It’s his father he’s after wantin’, I think. Just that.

VICKY

Shh!

 [_A clock strikes ten._ DAVID _glances nervously at his watch_.
 HALLIGAN _stiffens to attention_. VICKY _stands erect, expectantly.
 The door at the left opens, and_ MILLMAN, _a fine-looking man in
 his forties, enters briskly, snapping shut his watch as he crosses
 the threshold. He is all alertness and no waste motion—his time is
 precious—he never forgets that._]

MILLMAN

Merry Christmas, Davy.

DAVID

 [_Whose lips are trembling, and whose eyes never leave his father._]

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

MILLMAN

  [_Turning to the others, and handing each an
  envelope._]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

HALLIGAN

Thank you, sir—and the same to you.

VICKY

Merry Christmas—and thank you.

MILLMAN

Tut—tut!

[_He turns briskly toward the tree._]

Well, Davy, and how do you like your tree?

DAVID

[_Not glancing at it._]

Very much, Daddy.

MILLMAN

It was nice of Santa to bring you so many presents.

DAVID

Very nice, Daddy.

MILLMAN

  [_Examining the cards attached to the gifts._]

And here are more presents from your little friends—and your uncle
Joe—and your uncle Eldridge—and your uncle Twombly—

DAVID

Yes, Daddy.

MILLMAN

[_Examining an envelope._]

Here’s an envelope from your aunt Mary—and look what’s in it!

[_He draws out a yellow-backed bill._]

DAVID

You take care of it for me, Daddy.

MILLMAN

[_Putting the envelope in his pocket._]

Here’s an electric train from Santa. Switches, and stations, and
coal-cars—I declare, it’s a wonderful train. Isn’t it, Halligan?

HALLIGAN

It is that, sir.

MILLMAN

You ought to be a very happy boy, Davy.

DAVID

Yes, Daddy.

MILLMAN

[_Glancing at his watch again._]

I must go now. You don’t mind, do you, Davy? Important
cablegrams—letters—

DAVID

I understand, Daddy.

MILLMAN

[_Already in the doorway._]

By the way, there’s a present from me downstairs—a new limousine. Later
on you’ll go riding in it.

DAVID

[_Rushing to him with pathetic eagerness._]

Will you come too, Daddy?

MILLMAN

Sorry, Davy—haven’t time.

 [_He pats the boy’s head and nods pleasantly to the others._]

Good morning.

 [_The door closes behind him, and_ DAVID, _as if struck by a blow,
 withdraws again into his shell_.]

VICKY

A fine gentleman, Mr. Millman!

HALLIGAN

That he is!

VICKY

Did you see the check he gave me?

[_Shows it._]

HALLIGAN

Just take a look at this one!

VICKY

[_Fervently._]

The salt of the earth!

HALLIGAN

A fine gentleman!

DAVID

 [_Who has been motionless, now turns to_ HALLIGAN, _in joyous assent_.]

A fine gentleman, isn’t he, Halligan?

[_Proudly._]

When my father walks along the street everybody stops to look at him!
I can see the people nudging each other, and saying, “There goes Mr.
Millman.” And the newspapers send men here to take his picture—but
father’s too busy to let them do that. And when I go out I hear
everybody say, “There goes Millman’s boy.” And all the policemen touch
their caps and talk to me.

HALLIGAN

Yes, I’ve seen that many a time.

DAVID

And it’s all because daddy’s such a fine man!

HALLIGAN

[_Finding the statement difficult to correct._]

Yes; I guess that’s the reason.

[_He is in distress._]

VICKY

[_Coming to the rescue._]

Now you may look at the tree, Master David.

DAVID

 [_Suddenly unenthusiastic, barely glancing at the tree._]

It’s very nice.

VICKY

Is that all you can say about it?

DAVID

It’s just as nice as the one we had last year—and that was the nicest I
ever saw.

VICKY

[_Taking up the gifts._]

Boxing gloves!

DAVID

[_Tentatively, knowing what to expect._]

May I put them on?

VICKY

Some day, perhaps—not just yet. Sleds!

DAVID

May I go coasting on them?

VICKY

Next year, maybe—not now. A trumpet?

DAVID

May I blow on it?

VICKY

Mercy, no! Not until it has been boiled.

DAVID

But that’ll spoil the paint.

VICKY

Better to spoil the paint than to ruin your health.

DAVID

[_Disappointed._]

Oh, all right.

HALLIGAN

[_Coming to the rescue in his turn._]

I have a list of the presents here.

[_He produces a long sheet._]

Two railroad trains—complete.

DAVID

[_Not boasting; simply stating facts._]

I have four already.

HALLIGAN

Two phonographs.

DAVID

I have three—and I can’t play more than one at once.

HALLIGAN

Your cousin Willy sent you a set of books.

DAVID

And what did I send him?

HALLIGAN

[_Referring to the list._]

You sent him a Boy Scout outfit.

DAVID

Why didn’t he keep the books and send me the outfit?

HALLIGAN

[_Avoiding the question._]

Your aunt Genevieve sent you a bicycle.

DAVID

[_Interested despite himself._]

Oh, that’s nice!

[_He moves toward it._]

VICKY

[_Interposing._]

You may ride on it when you’re older.

DAVID

But not now?

VICKY

[_With real solicitude._]

You might hurt yourself, Master David.

DAVID

[_Crestfallen; turning to_ HALLIGAN.]

Don’t read me any more, Halligan.

 [_Christmas is a complete failure so far as he is concerned._ VICKY
 _realizes it, and directs his attention to the gifts_.]

VICKY

Look: a tennis racket.

DAVID

[_Despite himself._]

That’ll be fun this summer!

HALLIGAN

It will that!

DAVID

I may play with it?

VICKY

All you like.

DAVID

Good! Watch my overhand!

[_He swings the racket._]

VICKY

[_Taking it from him._]

Not in the house, Master David; you’ll break something.

DAVID

I knew there was a string tied to it.

VICKY

[_Indicating._]

Golf clubs.

DAVID

For the summer?

VICKY

Naturally for the summer.

DAVID

[_Nodding._]

I see; it’s winter now.

 [_He sees a pair of ice skates, and takes them up._]

Do these have to wait for the summer, too?

HALLIGAN

[_Impressively._]

You’re to go to the rink with them this afternoon.

DAVID

That _will_ be nice!

VICKY

They’re a gift from us, Master David—

HALLIGAN

From me and her.

DAVID

[_Sincerely._]

Thank you, Vicky.

[_He kisses her._]

Thanks, Halligan.

[_He shakes hands._]

You couldn’t have given me anything I’d like better.

[_He feels the edge._]

They’re sharp, aren’t they?

HALLIGAN

I saw to that.

VICKY

[_Alarmed._]

Be careful, Master David!

DAVID

[_Smiling._]

You aren’t going to get them away from me!

 [_He gives them to_ HALLIGAN, _and turns back to the tree_.]

Look!

HALLIGAN

[_Following his glance._]

Candy!

VICKY

[_Horrified._]

Candy? Who sent it?

HALLIGAN

It’s not down on the list.

VICKY

[_Kneeling to examine it._]

There’s no card.

DAVID

I guess it came from Santa Claus.

VICKY

[_Reluctantly._]

Of course you mayn’t eat it.

DAVID

That’s all right, Vicky; I don’t mind.

VICKY

[_Who has opened the box._]

There’s no card inside, but it looks lovely.

DAVID

I mayn’t have any, Vicky; eat it yourself.

VICKY

Do you really want me to?

DAVID

Of course, Vicky.

VICKY

[_Eating and smacking her lips._]

They’re good! Have one, Mr. Halligan?

HALLIGAN

I don’t mind if I do.

[_He eats a candy._]

DAVID

[_Watching with interest._]

What do they taste like?

VICKY

Chocolate—

[_Taking another._]

HALLIGAN

With strawberry cream inside—

[_Taking another._]

VICKY

This one has a cherry.

HALLIGAN

This has a walnut.

DAVID

Santa Claus makes good candy, doesn’t he? Some day, when I’m older,
he’ll make some that I can eat. I’d like that!

VICKY

Another, Mr. Halligan?

HALLIGAN

I don’t mind if I do.

[_He pauses, and looks toward the door._]

Now, it isn’t up to me to say what I’m thinkin’, and nobody knows that
better than myself, but it’s cruel not to let him have a taste.

VICKY

Mr. Halligan!

HALLIGAN

Who ever heard of candy hurtin’ anybody?

VICKY

Orders are orders, and they’ll be followed!

 [_She relents, and, about to put the lid on the box, offers it a last
 time to_ HALLIGAN.]

More?

HALLIGAN

 [_Swallowing hard and passing his hand over his forehead._]

No, thanks.

VICKY

[_Rising suddenly and tottering._]

Mr. Halligan—I don’t feel well. Please get me some water.

HALLIGAN

[_Alarmed; hastening out of the room._]

Right away!

DAVID

What’s the matter, Vicky? Vicky, dear?

VICKY

It’s nothing, Master David. It’ll pass away in a minute.

[_She sways, and_ DAVID _steadies her_.]

I feel dizzy—very dizzy—all of a sudden.

DAVID

Sit down, Vicky.

VICKY

[_Catching the back of a chair._]

I can’t imagine what’s wrong. Nothing like this has ever happened to me
before. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Why doesn’t Halligan bring the water? Why
doesn’t he bring it? I’m so dizzy—so dizzy.

 [_From the hall at the right there is the sound of a heavy fall,
 accompanied by the crash of breaking glass._]

DAVID

[_Alarmed._]

Halligan fell!

VICKY

[_Reeling toward the door._]

Mr. Halligan! Mr. Halligan! I’m afraid I’m going to faint.

 [_On the threshold a sudden suspicion comes to her, and she pulls
 herself together with a heroic effort._]

David! Davy, boy. Don’t touch the candy!

[_She collapses on the threshold._]

DAVID

[_On his knees at her side._]

Vicky! Vicky, dear! Answer me, Vicky!

 [_During the last few seconds the window has been raised, and_ SLIM
 _has come into the room_.]

SLIM

[_To_ BILL, _who follows_.]

It woiked.

BILL

De kid didn’t eat de candy.

SLIM

De udders did—dat suits me.

DAVID

[_Rising to confront the newcomers._]

What are you doing here?

SLIM

We come after yuh—

BILL

[_Pushing_ SLIM _to one side easily_.]

Nuttin’ to get excited about, kid; yer lady friend’s all right—see?

 [_He leads_ DAVID _back into the room_; SLIM _thrusts the door shut,
 and locks it_.]

She’s just daydreamin’—takin’ a little cat nap. It won’t hoit her a
bit—honest! She’ll feel fine when she wakes up.

DAVID

What happened to Halligan?

BILL

He’s daydreamin’, too. De two of ’em are daydreamin’ togedder—nice an’
sociable-like—see? Dey’re dreamin’ about de little boidies singin’ in
de tree tops. Ain’t dat pretty?

 [SLIM _has come forward_. BILL _waves a hand_.]

Meet my friend Slim.

DAVID

[_Extending a hand._]

How do you do?

SLIM

[_Shaking hands._]

Pleased to meet-cha.

BILL

Slim an’ me—we’re gonna look after yuh fer a w’ile.

DAVID

Yes?

[_He looks up at_ BILL _with sudden recognition_.]

You don’t have to tell me who _you_ are!

BILL

[_Worried._]

I don’t?

DAVID

I’ve seen you before!

BILL

Yuh know my name?

DAVID

Of course! Who doesn’t?

 [_He pauses while_ BILL _plainly shows his anxiety_.]

Why, you’re Santa Claus!

SLIM

[_Overcome and relieved._]

W’at? W’at did yuh say?

DAVID

[_Laughing._]

You’re Santa Claus, and you know you are!

SLIM

Ha! Ha!

[_He breaks into guffaws._]

BILL

 [_Poking_ SLIM _violently in the midriff with his elbow_.]

Yuh guessed it right de very foist time, kid. John W. Santa—dat’s me!

 [_He tidies his impossible beard and whiskers._]

DAVID

I knew you right off!

BILL

Yuh sure did!

DAVID

[_Intensely interested, catching his hand._]

Did you have a cold trip coming here?

BILL

W’at’s dat?

DAVID

Wasn’t it cold, coming all the way from the North Pole?

BILL

Well, it wasn’t so bad after we got to a Hunner an’ Twenty-fift’ Street—

DAVID

[_Fascinated._]

No?

BILL

Den de goin’ was pretty good.

DAVID

But before you got there?

BILL

It _was_ a wee bit chilly.

SLIM

It was sixty below.

DAVID

Sixty below what?

BILL

Not below nuttin’. Just below—see?

 [_He gesticulates vividly, placing his hand parallel to the floor at
 the level of his ankles._]

Dat was w’ere I caught cold. I gotta sneeze.

SLIM

Now!... Now!... Now!

DAVID

Oh, let him sneeze!

[BILL _sneezes_.]

God bless you!

BILL

Much obliged.

DAVID

That’s all right. I always say “God bless you” when anybody sneezes.

SLIM

[_Returning to the main topic._]

We’re gonna take care of yuh—me an’ Bill.

BILL

We’re gonna take yuh fer a long ride.

DAVID

Are we going to the North Pole?

BILL

Foider den dat.

[_Approaching him._]

But you gotta keep quiet!

DAVID

[_With a nod of comprehension._]

I know; you don’t want to frighten the reindeer.

SLIM

[_Alarmed._]

De w’ich?

DAVID

Blixen and Vixen—

BILL

W’at?

DAVID

—And Prancer and Dancer—

SLIM

[_Decidedly worried, to_ BILL.]

Did youse see any of dem guys w’en yuh come in?

BILL

Maybe dey was under cover.

[_To_ DAVID.]

Say, kid, w’ere do dey keep?

DAVID

[_Puzzled._]

Keep?

BILL

W’ere do dey hang out? W’ere do dey park? W’ere’s deir stampin’-ground?

DAVID

Oh, outside!

BILL

[_To_ SLIM.]

I told yuh de house was watched!

DAVID

[_Quoting some book._]

“Drawing Santa Claus from his home in the North, reindeer, swifter than
the wind, swift as light—”

SLIM

[_Beginning to understand._]

Hey! I get him now! He’s talkin’ about a noo kind of flivver!

DAVID

“Swifter even than dreams, sturdy and strong, champing at their bits,
sparks coming from their nostrils—”

BILL

[_Nodding._]

De kid’s got de right dope, Slim.

[_To_ DAVID.]

Dey’re waitin’ fer us outside: balloon tires, an’ four-w’eel brakes,
an’ sparks just w’ere yuh said. Come on.

DAVID

[_Going toward the window._]

They’re in a big hurry, aren’t they? They know we’re coming, Santa
Claus. They can’t wait for us! I hear them shaking their sleigh bells!

[_Sleigh bells are audible._]

BILL

[_Much alarmed._]

Do yuh hear dat, Slim?

DAVID

[_With glee._]

Sleigh bells!

SLIM

Shh!

 [_They hide in corners of the room._ DAVID _cannot understand their
 actions; he looks about, puzzled. Then a ten-year-old girl, wearing a
 harness covered with sleigh bells, appears at the window._]

BESSIE

[_Softly._]

Bill!

[_More loudly._]

Bill! Bill!

[_She spies_ DAVID.]

Is he here?

 [DAVID _nods silently, and indicates with his thumb where_ BILL _is
 hiding_. BESSIE _climbs into the room, bells jangling_.]

Bill, we found yuh!

 [_Climbing through the window come seven more children, in decreasing
 sizes. The smaller ones are helped by the larger, and the smallest,
 which is but an infant, is carried by one of the others._]

A BABBLE OF TALK

Hey, give us a hand, Pete!

Look out!

Yuh’ll fall!

Mind de baby!

Gimme a good push!

Hey, you, Woodrow, quit yer crowdin’!

Up yuh go!

 [_Now that they are all in the room, we may pause to inspect them.
 They are all badly dressed. Their clothes are torn and shabby; their
 stockings are full of holes; and they average about three quarters of
 a glove to every hand. But they are all extraordinarily happy, and not
 at all shy about showing it. And being_ BILL’S _younger brothers and
 sisters, they are as tough as the proverbial nails_.]

BILL

 [_Emerging from his concealment, looking decidedly sheepish._]

How did youse get here?

BESSIE

We seen yuh go, an’ we run after yuh.

BILL

All of youse?

BESSIE

[_Nodding._]

Maggie carried de baby.

MAGGIE

See brudder’s funny face, baby?

SLIM

 [_Coming out, and speaking with boundless contempt._]

Dat’s de last time I tackle a job along wit’ a fambly man!

BESSIE

Bill, yuh promised us a Christmas tree!

PETE

An’ we knowed yuh’d get us one!

ANNIE

Yuh said yuh was gonna get one, didn’t yuh, Bill?

MAGGIE

So we folleyed yuh all de way—

PETE

Yuh couldn’t lose _us_, Bill!

ANNIE

Not on yer life!

PETE

We wanted dat tree!

T’EODORE

[_A grand climax._]

An’ here it is!

 [_There is a chorus of delighted screams as the children surround the
 tree._]

BESSIE

Bill, what a peach of a tree!

PETE

Some tree!

ANNIE

Lookit de presents!

T’EODORE

Golly, lookit de presents!

MAGGIE

See de boo-ful tree, baby?

[_She makes the baby clap its hands._]

DAVID

 [_Puzzled, as the children, shrilling their delight, descend upon the
 gifts._]

Say, Santa Claus, I didn’t know you had a family.

SLIM

[_With infinite disgust._]

Kid, yuh said a mout’ful!

DAVID

Are they all related to you?

BILL

[_Not too modestly._]

Me eight brudders an’ sisters—count ’em. Bessie—an’ Pete—dey’re twins.
An’ Maggie—dat’s her holdin’ de baby—an’ T’eodore—an’ Annie—an’
Grover—an’ Woodrow—an’ Calvin—dat’s de baby.

DAVID

Do they all come from the North Pole?

BESSIE

[_With injured American pride._]

W’at do yuh t’ink? We’re a lot of Polanders?

BILL

De Nort’ Pole? De Nort’ Pole’s warm next to w’ere dey come from. My paw
ain’t woikin’, an’ de landlord toined off de heat w’en I didn’t pay de
rent.

DAVID

Rent? What’s rent?

SLIM

[_As_ BILL _gazes appealingly at him_.]

Yuh started dis. Yuh tell him.

BILL

Rent? Rent’s somethin’ yuh pay w’en yuh get money.

DAVID

And when you don’t get it?

BILL

Yuh don’t.

SLIM

[_Becoming impatient._]

Say, what I wanna know is dis: is dis a kidnapin’ party, or is dis a
kid party?

DAVID

What’s a kidnaping party, Santa Claus?

BILL

I’ll show yuh.

[_He calls to the children._]

Hey, fellers, we’re gonna beat it.

PETE

Naw!

BESSIE

We don’t wanna go, Bill.

ANNIE

We wanna play wit’ de presents!

T’EODORE

Lookit de sleds!

PETE

An’ de boxin’ gloves!

ANNIE

An’ de railroad trains!

BESSIE

An’ de trumpets!

MAGGIE

See de pretty flowers, baby?

PETE

[_Parceling out the musical instruments._]

Yuh take dis—and yuh take dis—an’ w’en I say “Ready,” yuh all blow to
onct.

SLIM

[_Anxiously._]

Nuttin’ doin’!

PETE

Ready!

[_The din is terrific._]

DAVID

 [_Indicating the instruments with some anxiety, and pulling_ BILL’S
 _sleeve_.]

Santa Claus, they haven’t been boiled!

SLIM

W’at?

DAVID

They haven’t been boiled, Mr. Slim!

SLIM

 [_And you know he means the children—not the toys._]

Dey oughta be!

PETE

All ready? Go!

[_The uproar is repeated._]

SLIM

[_To_ BILL.]

An’ I told yuh not to make a sound!

BILL

Say, kid, dere ain’t nobody else on dis floor, is dere?

DAVID

No—nobody but us.

Bill

[_Drawing a sigh of relief._]

Dat’s good. Now, fellers, we’re gonna go—

SLIM

[_Interrupting._]

An’ we’re gonna take him—

[_He indicates_ DAVID.]

along with us.

BESSIE

W’at’s de hurry, Bill?

PETE

We don’t wanna go!

T’EODORE

Not now!

BESSIE

Bill, dere’s no place fer us to go to.

BILL

W’at do yuh mean?

PETE

De landlord, he come along w’ile we was leavin’, an’ he says we needn’t
come back—none of us—never.

BESSIE

[_Rather pleased with her news._]

He says he’ll put de furniture on de sidewalk, an’ yuh can git it
w’enever yuh like.

PETE

De sooner de better, he says.

BESSIE

Yea—an’ dat wasn’t all he says!

BILL

[_Aghast._]

He trun yuh out de moment my back was toined?

BESSIE

Yuh bet he did!

BILL

He trun yuh out? He trun yuh out?

BESSIE

Dat’s w’at I’m tellin’ yuh.

BILL

An’ what did paw say?

BESSIE

Paw says ef yuh can’t support him in better style den dat, he’s gonna
quit yuh cold.

BILL

W’at do yuh t’ink of dat, Slim? Ain’t it de limit? Ain’t dat de
absoloot limit?

DAVID

[_Seizing_ BILL’S _hand_.]

What’s the matter, Santa Claus?

BILL

[_Angrily._]

Aw, nuttin’!

DAVID

Why don’t you tell me, Santa Claus?

BILL

[_Bitterly._]

Dere’s nuttin’ de matter—on’y de kids ain’t gonna have a roof over deir
heads to-night!

DAVID

Because you didn’t get money?

BILL

Dat’s w’y.

DAVID

And because you didn’t pay the rent?

BILL

Yuh said it, kid.

DAVID

But why do you want a roof over their heads? Can’t we take them along
with us?

BILL

W’at’s dat?

DAVID

They can come to the North Pole too, can’t they? Of course it will be a
little crowded in the sleigh, but there’ll be room for all of us if we
sit close. And we’ll have lots of fun!

SLIM

[_Meaningly._]

Do yuh hear dat, Bill?

DAVID

[_Eagerly._]

The reindeer are waiting outside!

SLIM

Aroun’ de corner.

DAVID

Dancer and Prancer, and Blixen and Vixen—

BILL

[_Interrupting._]

De reindeer’s name is Lizzie—an’ her radiator’s froze.

SLIM

[_Crossing to him earnestly._]

But it’s gonna get us away from here, Bill! We get outa de city—we go
somew’eres in de Bronx—an’ den we give Millman a ring on de telephone—

DAVID

Don’t telephone daddy; he’s always busy.

SLIM

He won’t be busy dis time.

[_He argues with_ BILL.]

DAVID

You don’t know my daddy! My daddy is the busiest man in the world!
When he comes to see me, he says, “Exactly ten”—and that means exactly
ten. When I want to see him I have to ask his secretary—and sometimes
he can’t see me at all.

BESSIE

Do yuh like dat?

DAVID

I don’t like it—but I guess daddy _has_ to work.

BESSIE

Your daddy woik? W’at fer?

DAVID

I guess he wants _his_ money—so that he can pay _his_ rent.

[BESSIE _snickers_. DAVID _bridles indignantly_.]

Don’t make fun of him! I won’t let anybody do that! I don’t think
anybody works as hard as he works! Why, he starts in the morning before
I get up, and sometimes when I wake in the middle of the night, I
tiptoe to the door of my room, and I can see the light burning in his
study downstairs! Daddy works _hard_—and he looks so tired! He’s so
tired sometimes that he won’t let me sit in his lap.

BESSIE

My daddy lets me sit in his lap all I like!

DAVID

[_Eagerly._]

Does everybody call him a fine man?

BESSIE

[_A bit dubiously._]

Dey calls him all sorts of t’ings—but he don’t mind dat.

DAVID

Do the policemen stop and speak to him?

BESSIE

Not ef he sees dem foist.

DAVID

Do they send men to his house to take his picture?

BESSIE

[_With pardonable pride._]

Dey don’t have ter: dey got his pitcher at headquarters.

BILL

 [_Who has been arguing with_ SLIM _in undertones during the preceding
 dialogue, now turns abruptly_.]

Come on, fellers! We’re gonna go!

[_Slim takes_ DAVID’S _hand_.]

A CHORUS

Naw, Bill!... We wanna play wit’ de presents!... We don’t wanna leave
de presents!... We want de presents!

BILL

[_Angrily._]

Come on, I say!

MAGGIE

[_Appealingly._]

Baby don’t wanna leave de presents!

DAVID

Santa Claus, let them take the presents with them!

 [_As_ SLIM _releases him in astonishment, he runs to the children_.]

Here: you take this, and here’s something for you; and you take one of
the railroad trains—don’t forget the tracks—and you take the other one.

BILL

[_Dumbfounded._]

Yuh’re givin’ away yer toys?

DAVID

[_Busy distributing gifts._]

They want them more than I do!

[_He turns again to the children._]

Here: you can carry more than that!

 [ANNIE’S _arms are full already, but he piles toys on the heap_.]

Put these on top. Take them along.

[_To_ PETE.]

Do they let you ride a bicycle?

PETE

Sure t’ing!

DAVID

Then take this one.

[_To_ BESSIE.]

Do they let you go coasting on a sled?

BESSIE

All I want—ef I gotta sled.

DAVID

Here’s one for you.

 [_To_ T’EODORE, _holding up a pair of boxing gloves_.]

Can you use them?

T’EODORE

Kin a duck swim?

DAVID

Take them.

PETE

[_To_ BILL.]

Hey, Bill, can I have de tennis racket?

BILL

[_To_ DAVID.]

How about it?

DAVID

 [_And you see it hurts—and besides_ PETE’S _arms are full_.]

He wants it more than I do.

MAGGIE

[_With a cry of delight._]

Gee, look w’at I found! Ice skates! See de ice skates, baby?

DAVID

Ice skates!

 [_He pauses; takes them in his hand; caresses them. This time it hurts
 very much indeed._]

BILL

[_Almost savagely._]

W’at are yuh gonna do, kid?

DAVID

[_Smiling at_ BILL.]

I’m going to give them to her.

[_He places them in_ MAGGIE’S _hands_.]

Take good care of them—and look out for the baby—they’re sharp.

[_He turns to_ BILL.]

And now, Santa Claus, what’s a kidnaping party?

BILL

Yuh wanna know dat?

DAVID

Yes, Santa Claus!

BILL

Yuh really wanna know?

 [DAVID _takes his hand and nods eagerly_. BILL _hesitates. Then he
 glares defiantly at_ SLIM, _and turns to_ DAVID.]

Kid, yuh ain’t never gonna loin dat from me!

SLIM

[_With hostility._]

W’at did yuh say?

DAVID

[_Apologetically._]

I didn’t mean to forget your present, Mr. Slim.

[_He runs to the tree and fetches the candy._]

Here you are! And Merry Christmas!

[_He gives_ SLIM _the box_.]

SLIM

De candy! Dat’s my idee of one fine present!

DAVID

And now, Santa Claus?

BILL

[_Shaking his head._]

Kid, it’s gonna cost me a lotta coin—an’ gee, w’at wouldn’t I do wit’
just a coupla dollars?—but youse a little gen’leman—see?—an’ ef anybody
lays a finger on yuh, I’ll moider him!

 [_He casts a defiant glance at_ SLIM, _and claps his arm upon_ DAVID’S
 _shoulders in a rough accolade_.]

Kid, youse a good sport—

[_He bows grotesquely._]

—an’ I take me hat off to yuh! Yours truly, John W. Santa.

SLIM

[_Gasping._]

Youse gonna leave him here?

BILL

Yuh hoid me.

SLIM

But we come here to—

BILL

[_Interrupting._]

I changed my mind—see? A guy dat’s a he-man can do dat little
t’ing—an’ John W. Santa’s a he-man!

[_He indicates_ DAVID.]

I’m gonna leave him here—an’ me an’ de kids is gonna beat it—an’ youse
is comin’ along, too; don’t yuh forget dat!

SLIM

Bill! Yuh said yuh was hard-boiled!

BILL

[_Crossing to him menacingly._]

Ef yuh don’t believe it, now’s de time to try me!

[_He pauses._]

Well?

 [_There is a sudden loud knocking at the locked door at the right._]

HALLIGAN

[_Outside._]

Let me in! Let me in or I’ll break down the door!

SLIM

Beat it!

 [_There is a rush for the windows, but it stops short as the door at
 the left, which has been ajar for some moments, suddenly opens, and_
 MILLMAN _stands on the threshold_.]

BILL

[_Rising nobly to the occasion._]

A-choo!

DAVID

God bless you!

SLIM

We’re pinched!

MILLMAN

[_Quietly._]

Just that.

SLIM

[_Jerking his thumb toward the window._]

Cops outside?

MILLMAN

[_Nodding._]

They saw you come in. They’ve been waiting for you to come out.

ANNIE

[_Beginning to cry._]

I want my presents!

HALLIGAN

[_Hammering at the door again._]

Let me in!

MILLMAN

Let him in.

 [BILL _crosses to the door and unlocks it_. HALLIGAN _and_ VICKY,
 _both wabbly, but on their feet again, come into the room_.]

VICKY

Master David! Master David! They haven’t hurt you, have they?

[_She rushes to him._]

DAVID

Santa Claus wouldn’t hurt anybody. He was going to give me a kidnaping
party, that was all.

[_He pats_ BILL’S _hand_.]

VICKY

[_Horrified._]

Master David!

HALLIGAN

[_Producing a whistle._]

Shall I whistle for the police, sir?

MILLMAN

Wait, Halligan.

[_He turns to the intruders._]

The house is surrounded. There is no way you can get out.

BILL

[_Most unhappily._]

Yes, sir.

 [_He takes off his mask. For the first time we see his face: the face
 of a half-starved lad with big eyes._]

MILLMAN

Bear that in mind.

[_Most unaccountably, most leisurely, he turns his back on_ BILL, _and
draws up a chair_.]

Davy, how would you like to sit in my lap?

DAVID

I’d love it, Daddy!

MILLMAN

So would I.

 [DAVID _rushes to him_. MILLMAN _settles him comfortably, quite
 oblivious of the others_.]

There. There. David, where were you going with this man?

DAVID

Not “this man,” Daddy: it’s Santa Claus.

MILLMAN

I meant Santa Claus.

DAVID

I was just going to the North Pole.

MILLMAN

Were you going to leave me alone?

DAVID

I would have come back to-morrow or the next day, Daddy—if you wanted
me.

MILLMAN

[_Eloquently._]

If I wanted you!

[_He pauses._]

Are you sure you would have come back, Davy?

DAVID

Well, pretty sure.

[_He hesitates._]

I wouldn’t want to bother you if you were busy.

MILLMAN

[_Wincing._]

I’m not so busy as you think, Davy.

DAVID

No?

MILLMAN

No.

[_He pauses._]

Sometimes, when a man’s lonely—when he misses somebody who’s gone
terribly, terribly much—he tries to make himself busy. Do you
understand that, Davy?

DAVID

I think I do. You mean—Mummy.

MILLMAN

I mean—Mummy.

[_His voice lightens._]

But now that my little boy is growing older, I don’t expect to be
nearly so busy any more.

DAVID

[_Ecstatically._]

Really, Daddy?

MILLMAN

Honest and truly!

DAVID

[_Turning to Bill._]

Did you hear that, Santa Claus?

  [BILL _shuffles his feet and does not answer_.]

MILLMAN

[_Sharply._]

Did you hear that, Santa Claus?

BILL

Yes, sir. I hoid him.

MILLMAN

[_Trying to speak lightly._]

And now, if you still want to go to the North Pole with Santa Claus—you
may go.

[_He pauses._]

Do you want to go?

DAVID

 [_Hesitates; rises; looks at his father; looks at_ BILL—_and then, to
 his father’s unutterable horror, runs to_ BILL.]

You won’t mind, will you, Santa Claus?

[BILL _is silent_.]

MILLMAN

[_In a tone like that of a whiplash._]

Answer him!

BILL

  [_Addressing_ DAVID, _and exceedingly gruff_.]

W’at do yuh mean, kid?

DAVID

You won’t mind if I stay here, will you? I don’t care so much about
that old North Pole.

VICKY

[_Tremulous with joy._]

Davy! Davy, boy!

BILL

[_A mighty effort._]

A-choo-oo—

HALLIGAN

[_After a pause._]

Shall I take them away now, Mr. Millman?

MILLMAN

Yes, Halligan.

HALLIGAN

[_Gruffly._]

Come on, you!

[_He herds them toward the door._]

DAVID

Don’t forget the presents!

MILLMAN

No; don’t forget the presents!

 [_The children need no second invitation. They take up the gifts, as
 many as they can carry, in great haste. But there are more than they
 can carry unaided._]

Help them, Halligan.

HALLIGAN

 [_Surprised at the order, but doing as he is told._]

Yes, sir.

 [_And_ VICKY _helps without being told. The children begin to file out
 at the door_.]

DAVID

 [_Who has been watching with an eagle’s eye, and halting_ BESSIE,
 _who is next to last_.]

Take the sled!

BESSIE

[_Taking it._]

Much obliged.

DAVID

[_Stopping_ MAGGIE _and the baby_.]

You’re forgetting the skates!

MILLMAN

Don’t forget the skates!

[DAVID _gives them to her_.]

MAGGIE

T’anks. Come, baby.

[_She goes, followed by_ VICKY.]

HALLIGAN

 [_Burdened with gifts, stands in the doorway, and crooks his finger
 at_ BILL _and_ SLIM.]

Come on!

DAVID

You’re forgetting your candy, Mr. Slim!

SLIM

[_Refusing to take it._]

I never seen dat box before in all my life!

[_He goes quickly._]

BILL

[_After a brief hesitation._]

Give it here, kid.

 [DAVID _gives him the box_. BILL _turns apologetically to_ MILLMAN.]

’Tain’t safe to leave dat stuff around.

MILLMAN

[_Gravely._]

Why not?

BILL

[_Hesitates again; then he squares his shoulders._]

De candy’s loaded wit’ knock-out drops.

 [_There is a sharp intake of breath from_ HALLIGAN, _but his employer
 is not surprised_.]

MILLMAN

[_Quietly._]

I guessed as much.

[_He halts_ BILL _as the latter turns to go_.]

You came here intending to kidnap my boy?

BILL

[_Reluctantly._]

Yes, sir.

MILLMAN

You could have done it?

BILL

Yes, sir.

MILLMAN

Why didn’t you do it?

[BILL _hesitates_.]

Out with it!

BILL

 [_Raising his head, and looking_ MILLMAN _in the eye_.]

He was nice to de kids—see? He give ’em all his presents. He didn’t
hold out none fer himself. He’s de foist guy dat ever treated ’em like
dey was yooman. I’d lay down me life fer him after he done dat!

[_He pauses, and continues hesitantly._]

Yuh see, paw don’t woik reg’lar; an’ maw’s sick, an’ ever sence I been
old enough to go out on de street an’ sell papers, I’ve been keepin’ de
kids alive—an’—an’ dere’s eight of ’em now.

[_Once more he raises his head._]

He treated ’em square, see?—an’ I, I done de same by him.

MILLMAN

[_After a pause._]

You know where my office is?

BILL

[_Puzzled._]

Yes, sir.

MILLMAN

Come and see me to-morrow.

[_He turns._]

Halligan!

HALLIGAN

Yes, sir?

MILLMAN

This gentleman will leave my house as a gentleman ought to leave it.
You will show him to the door. You will send for my car. You will tell
my chauffeur to drive him home. And you will see to it that the police
do not molest him.

BILL

[_Incredulous._]

Mr. Millman!

HALLIGAN

[_Protesting._]

Mr. Millman!

MILLMAN

[_Once more the whiplash._]

Halligan! Do as I say!

HALLIGAN

[_Crushed._]

Yes, sir. I am to send this man home—

MILLMAN

[_Correcting him._]

This gentleman.

HALLIGAN

This gentleman—and his friend?

[MILLMAN _nods_.]

And the children?

MILLMAN

Of course the children.

HALLIGAN

Very good, sir.

DAVID

[_Halting them._]

Daddy, Santa Claus has no home to go to.

MILLMAN

[_Smiling._]

I forgot.

[_He produces an envelope from his pocket._]

I listened at the door for ten minutes before I came in. I heard every
word that was spoken.

 [_He claps_ BILL _heartily on the shoulder, and extends his hand—and
 in it is the same envelope that hung on the tree_.]

Merry Christmas, my friend!

BILL

 [_Wiping his hand on his trousers leg before taking_ MILLMAN’S, _and
 painfully embarrassed_.]

De same to youse, Mr. Millman, an’ de same, an’ lots of ’em, to de
little gen’leman.

DAVID

Thanks, Santa Claus.

 [BILL _goes, followed by_ HALLIGAN. _The door clicks shut after them.
 For a second father and son gaze at each other in silence. Then_:]

MILLMAN

I gave him your aunt Mary’s envelope.

DAVID

I know you did, Daddy.

 [_The two gaze at each other, wishing to say much, but unable to break
 through their masculine reserve._ MILLMAN _inspects the stripped tree
 with elaborate care_. DAVID _does likewise_. MILLMAN _turns toward his
 son, distant ten feet; gazes at him; folds his arms_. DAVID _observes
 the gesture—deliberately mimics it to the life_.]

MILLMAN

Well, son?

DAVID

Well, Daddy?

 [MILLMAN _unfolds his arms, and hooks his thumbs into his trouser
 pockets. Again_ DAVID _observes—and copies the pose_.]

MILLMAN

Christmas is over, Davy.

 [_From downstairs comes a joyful din: the blare of toy trumpets, the
 jingling of_ BESSIE’S _sleighbells, the shouting and the laughter of
 children_. MILLMAN _turns his head to listen; opens the door to hear
 better_. DAVID _goes to his side, takes his hand, and listens with
 him_.]

DAVID

Christmas has just begun.

[_The joyful din grows louder—louder._]

THE CURTAIN FALLS