Father Tom and the Pope.




 Father Tom and the Pope,

 OR

 A Night in the Vatican.




 NEW YORK:

 A. SIMPSON & CO.,

 1867.




Agathynian Press, 60 Duane Street, N.Y.




[Illustration]




PREFACE.


There are several questions which at this present time remain
unsettled. One of them is, "_who invented gunpowder?_" Another is,
which of them was it, Faust or Guttemberg, "_that invented printing?_"
Another is, "_whether the Deity created nature, or nature created
itself?_" That is a poser. Another is "_whether the original egg was
the parent of the chicken, or the egg was the original ancestor of
that celebrated feathered fowl?_" "_De novum ovum_," says Xinctillios,
"_inseperatum primero, cum possibilitas, et credentia, in meo judicio,
quam supra calcis phospas, qui est_, in the bones of the chicken."
In other words, and to make it plain to the reader, he, Xinctillios,
cannot understand how it is possible for human comprehension to see a
new laid egg, without permitting in his judgment the idea of phosphate
of lime existing in the osseous structure of the bones of the original
hen. St. Bardolphus entertains a contrary opinion, "_Anam, aname, mona
mike_," says he, "_Barcelona bona strike_," says he, "_harum scarum, wy
frone whack!_" (I give you the original Coptic) "_Harrico barrico, we
won frac!_"

Between these two contending opinions I have nothing to say. The
dogmas of the Roman Catholic Church, and the _folatreries_ of the
philosophers of the high school of nature, differ so widely, that it is
impossible for common sense to adopt either the one or the other--and
the Greek Church on these points has given no decided opinion!

Such a dilemma presents itself when we come to consider the contents of
this volume. Who wrote it? Some say, Lord Brougham; and some attribute
it to the Duke of Wellington, who understood the Irish vernacular to
a dot. I have a shrewd suspicion that Maginn, a high tory, although
a good Roman Catholic, and one of the prominent contributors to
_Blackwood_, lent his helping hand to it, if he were not the _real_
author of it all? "Howandiver," to use a phrase of the author, let us
look into the history of it.

Father Tom Maguire, a prominent Roman Catholic priest in Killeshandra,
Ireland, of the parish of Innismagrath, was one of the most celebrated
men of his time. He was a splendid orator, trained at Maynooth; he
was a high liver--everything consisting of meat and drink on his
table was of the best; his wines were excellent, and he kept the best
stable and the finest greyhounds in Ireland. He was a bold fox-hunter;
rode over ditch, hedge and five-barred gate, and when his good Bishop
interdicted these sports of the Irish clergy, says he, "I will give
up my hunting," says he; "but if I must give up my greyhounds, there
is a little Protestant parish church hard by waiting for me." Whether
this threat had the desired effect is not known. It is said that
he abjured his church and died a heretic. How much of this we can
believe depends altogether upon the amount of our credulity. It
may be true, and, alas! it may not! Father Tom, as the great Roman
Catholic controversialist, was challenged to decide by argument, the
superiority of the Romish Church over that of the Established Church
of England, by the Rev. Richard T.P. Pope, a clergyman of the latter
persuasion. The controversy took place in the Rotunda, at Dublin,
about forty years ago.[1] Crowds of spectators assembled to witness
the religious contest. Of course the ladies, who always take a great
interest in religious disputations, were present in great numbers. The
beauty and the fashion, the graceful, the wise and the witty of Dublin
assembled to hear these knotty points discussed. The Rev. Mr. Pope,
who was a very learned scholar, but unfortunately a timid man, based
his great argument upon the Bible itself. So long as he stood upon
this ground his arguments were unassailable. But Father Tom, by one of
those dexterous twists so well known in polemics, managed to get Pope
to shift his ground from the Bible to the Fathers. The dispute, which
had occupied several days, up to this time had been in favor of Pope,
but when Father Maguire got him entangled in the Fathers, and hurled
at him quotation after quotation from St. Austin, St. Chrysostom, and
others--poor Pope, who knew very little of the Fathers, became so
dumb-founderd that he was incapable of making a reply, and the victory
rested with Father Tom. But after the controversy was over the Rev.
Mr. Pope took up the Fathers, and to his surprise _could not find any
of the quotations that Father Tom had cited_! Like a true scholar, he
published a book, exposing the fallacies of his antagonist. But the
time had gone by. Few people cared to read it, fewer still had patience
to wade through laborious denials of the smart sayings of Father Tom
in the Rotunda; the sparkle was off--the champagne had ceased to
effervesce--and Mr. Pope never recovered the ground he had lost.

Some years elapsed, and the Rev. Tresham D. Gregg, of the
Established Church, took up the polemical cudgels to demolish the
redoubtable champion of the Romish Church. He was just such a man
as his antagonist, vehement, loud voiced--of the _ad captandum_,
knock-down-and-drag-out school. Although not acknowledged by the
Church of England as the Goliath of its faith, yet there is no doubt
of the secret exultation of its clergy at his success. The challenge
was accepted, and for a fortnight the Rotunda of Dublin rang with the
verbal blows of these doughty combatants. Victory poised her scales,
the contest hung in the balance. At last, one afternoon, after the
battle of the day was over, Gregg raised his mighty arm high in the
air, and said "that on the next day, the secrets of the confessional
would be the subject of the discourse, and warned the ladies, 'that
no modest woman would appear, or could appear, while he revealed the
secrets of that powerful instrument of the Romish Church.'"

The consequences may be imagined. The hall was packed to overflowing
by the gentler sex. Ladies of the Catholic persuasion, conscious of
the inability of the orator to make his words good, flocked to hear
his discomfiture. Those of the other persuasion were induced to come
from a laudable curiosity. The argument, if argument it might be
called, consisted on Gregg's part of that style which Poe has properly
denominated "the awkward left arm of satire--_invective_." He had
caught Father Tom at single stick and paid him off in his own way.
There was of course no little allusion to indelicate matters. After the
argument the Rev. Mr. Gregg had to be escorted to his lodgings by a
troop of dragoons. But at the close of the debate he announced, that on
the morrow the subject would be _continued_. But on the following day
Father Tom did not appear. The victorious Gregg was cock of the walk;
the judgment went by default.

Whether any one among the speakers or listeners became better
Christians after the controversy, is a question. It is doubtful whether
Gregg or Father Tom made or lost a single convert to either faith.

"Father Tom and the Pope" first saw the light in _Blackwood_, ten years
after these controversies. It may have been written by Maginn, who was
a good Catholic, but it may truly be said of him, that although he
"loved the Church much, he loved fun more." As a work of mere wit it
must take its place with some of the brightest efforts of Rabelais, of
Montaigne, or of Pascal.

The ingenuity with which the conversation between the Pope and
Father Tom is developed to the reader, forms no little part of its
felicitousness. A hedge priest, one Michael Heffernan, of the National
School of Ballymacktaggart, is the interlocutor. This keeper of a
ragged school, under the shadow of an Irish hedge, is the exponent of
theological controversies that have shaken the world! Happy satire!
which like summer lightning, clears up the atmosphere, and makes even
the skies bright, blue, beautiful and buoyant. To us! poor mortals! to
whom a touch of nature shakes the laughter out of us, or brings the
tears into our eyes, such books are the treasures of our language.

If out of the sorrow and misery of this world, wit has managed to
alleviate one shade of human suffering; if it has lifted up its hand
against tyranny; if it has sometimes by the pen of Cervantes lessened
the ridiculous power of a so-called chivalry; or in the satires of
Swift, destroyed the prestige of hereditary birth; if it has done any
good in this world, let so much good be accounted to it.

[Illustration]

FOOTNOTES:

[Footnote 1: In 1827.]




CHAPTER I.

HOW FATHER TOM WENT TO TAKE POT-LUCK AT THE VATICAN.


When his Riv'rence was in Room, ov coorse the Pope axed him to take pot
look wid him. More be token, it was on a Friday; but, for all that,
there was plenty of mate; for the Pope gev himself an absolution from
the fast on account ov the great company that was in it--at laste so
I'm tould. Howandiver, there's no fast on the dhrink, anyhow--glory be
to God!--and so, as they wor sitting, afther dinner, taking their sup
together, says the Pope, says he, "Thomaus"--for the Pope, you know,
spakes that away, all as one as one ov uz--"Thomaus _a lanna_," says
he, "I'm tould you welt them English heretics out ov the face."

"You may say that," says his Riv'rence to him again. "Be my sowl,"
says he, "if I put your Holiness undher the table, you won't be the
first Pope I floored."

Well, his Holiness laughed like to split; for, you know, Pope was
the great Prodesan that Father Tom put down upon Purgathory; and ov
coorse they knew all the ins and outs ov the conthravarsy at Room.
"Faix, Thomaus," says he, smiling across the table at him mighty
agreeable--"it's no lie what they tell me, that yourself is the
pleasant man over the dhrop ov good liquor."

"Would you like to thry?" says his Riv'rence.

"Sure, and amn't I thrying all I can?" says the Pope. "Sorra betther
bottle ov wine's betuxt this and Salamancha, nor's there fornenst you
on the table; its raal Lachrymalchrystal, every spudh ov it."

"It's mortial could," says Father Tom.

"Well, man alive," says the Pope, "sure and here's the best ov good
claret in the cut decanther."

"Not maning to make little ov the claret, your Holiness," says his
Riv'rence, "I would prefir some hot wather and sugar, wid a glass of
spirits through it, if convanient."

"Hand me over the bottle ov brandy," says the Pope to his head butler,
"and fetch up the materi'ls," says he.

"Ah, then, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, mighty eager, "maybe
you'd have a dhrop ov the native in your cellar? Sure it's all one
throuble," says he, "and, troth, I dunna how it is, but brandy always
plays the puck wid my inthrails."

"'Pon my conscience, then," says the Pope, "it's very sorry I am,
Misther Maguire," says he, "that it isn't in my power to plase you;
for I'm sure and certaint that there's not as much whisky in Room this
blessed minit as 'ud blind the eye ov a midge."

"Well, in troth, your Holiness," says Father Tom, "I knewn there was no
use in axing; only," says he, "I didn't know how else to exqueeze the
liberty I tuck," says he, "ov bringing a small taste," says he, "ov the
raal stuff," says he, hauling out an imperi'l quart bottle out ov his
coat-pocket; "that never seen the face ov a gauger," says he, setting
it down on the table fornenst the Pope: "and if you'll jist thry the
full ov a thimble ov it, and if it doesn't rise the cockles ov your
Holiness's heart, why, then, my name," says he, "isn't Tom Maguire!"
and wid that he outs wid the cork.

Well, the Pope at first was going to get vexed at Father Tom for
fetching dhrink thataway in his pocket, as if there wasn't lashins
in the house: so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I'd have you
to comprehind the differ betuxt an invitation to dinner from the
succissor ov Saint Pether, and from a common mayur or a Prodesan
squireen that maybe hasn't liquor enough in his cupboard to wet more
nor his own heretical whistle. That may be the way wid them that you
visit in Leithrim," says he, "and in Roscommon; and I'd let you know
the differ in the prisint case," says he, "only that you're a champion
of the Church and entitled to laniency. So," says he, "as the liquor's
come, let it stay. And in troth I'm curis myself," says he, getting
mighty soft when he found the delightful smell ov the _putteen_, "in
invistigating the composition ov distilled liquors; it's a branch of
natural philosophy," says he, taking up the bottle and putting it to
his blessed nose. Ah! my dear, the very first snuff he got ov it, he
cried out, the dear man: "Blessed Vargin, but it has the divine smell!"
and crossed himself and the bottle half-a-dozen times running.

"Well, sure enough, it's the blessed liquor now," says his Riv'rence,
"and so there can be no harm any way in mixing a dandy ov punch; and,"
says he, stirring up the materi'ls with his goolden muddler--for
everything at the Pope's table, to the very schrew for drawing the
corks, was ov vergin goold--"if I might make bould," says he, "to spake
on so deep a subjic afore your Holiness, I think it 'ud considherably
facilitate the invistigation ov its chemisthry and phwarmaceutics, if
you'd jist thry the laste sup in life ov it inwardly."

"Well, then, suppose I do make the same expiriment," says the Pope, in
a much more condiscinding way nor you'd have expected--and wid that he
mixes himself a real stiff facer.

"Now, your Holiness," says Father Tom, "this bein' the first time you
ever dispinsed them chymicals," says he, "I'll just make bould to
lay down one rule of orthography," says he, "for conwhounding them,
_secundem mortem_."

"What's that?" says the Pope.

"Put in the sperits first," says his Riv'rence; "and then put in the
sugar; and remember, every dhrop ov wather you put in after that spoils
the punch."

"Glory be to God!" says the Pope, not minding a word Father Tom was
saying. "Glory be to God!" says he, smacking his lips. "I never knewn
what dhrink was afore," says he. "It bates the Lachrymalchrystal out of
the face!" says he--"it's Necthar itself, it is, so it is!" says he,
wiping his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov his coat.

"'Pon my secret honor," says his Riv'rence, "I'm raally glad to see
your Holiness set so much to your satisfaction; especially," says he,
"as, for fear ov accidents, I tuck the liberty ov fetching the fellow
ov that small vesshel," says he, "in my other coat pocket. So divil a
fear ov our running dhry till the but-end ov the evening, anyhow," says
he.

"Dhraw your stool in to the fire, Misther Maguire," says the Pope,
"for faix," says he, "I'm bent on analysing the metaphwysics ov this
phinomenon. Come, man alive, clear off," says he, "you're not dhrinking
at all."

"Is it dhrink?" says his Riv'rence; "by Gorra, your Holiness," says he,
"I'd dhrink wid you till the cows'ud be coming home in the morning."

So wid that they tackled to, to the second fugee a piece, and fell into
larned discourse. But it's time for me now to be off to the lecthir
at the Boord. Oh my sorra light upon ye, Docther Whately, wid your
pilitical econimy and your hydherastatics! What the _dioul_ use has a
poor hedge-master like me wid such deep larning as is only fit for the
likes of them two that I left over their second tumbler? Howandiver,
wishing I was like them, in regard ov the sup of dhrink, anyhow, I must
break off my norration for the prisint; but when I see you again, I'll
tell you how Father Tom made a hare ov the Pope that evening, both in
theology and the cube root.




CHAPTER II.

HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLINESS IN THEOLOGY AND LOGIC.


Well, the lecthir's over, and I'm kilt out and out. My bitther curse
upon the man that invinted the same Boord! I thought ons't I'd fadomed
the say ov throuble; and that was when I got through fractions at Ould
Mat Kavanagh's school, in Firdramore--God be good to poor Mat's sowl,
though he did deny the cause the day he suffered! but it's fluxions
itself we're set to bottom now, sink or shwim! May I never die if
my head isn't as throughother as anything wid their ordinals and
cardinals--and, begob, its all nothing to the econimy lecthir that I
have got to go to at two o'clock. Howandiver, I mustn't forget that we
left his Riv'rence and his Holiness sitting fornenst one another in the
parlor ov the Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler.

When they had got well down into the same, they fell, as I was telling
you, into larned discourse. For, you see, the Pope was curious to find
out whether Father Tom was the great theologinall that people said; and
says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "what answer do you make to the
heretics when they quote them passidges agin thransubstantiation out ov
the Fathers?" says he.

"Why," says his Riv'rence, "as there should be no sich passidges I make
myself mighty aisy about them; but if you want to know how I dispose ov
them," says he, "just repate one ov them," says he, "and I'll show you
how to catapomphericate it in two shakes."

"Why, then," says the Pope, "myself disremimbers the particlar
passidges they alledge out of them old felleys," says he, "though sure
enough they're more numerous nor edifying--so we'll jist suppose that
a heretic was to find sich a saying as this in Austin, 'Every sinsible
man knows that thransubstantiation is a lie'--or this out of Tertullian
or Plutarch, 'the Bishop ov Room is a common imposther,' now tell me,
could you answer him?"

"As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In the first, we're to
understand that the exprission, 'Every sinsible man,' signifies simply,
'Every man that judges by his nath'ral sinses;' and we all know that
nobody folleying them seven deludhers could ever find out the mysthery
that's in it, if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid an
eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be depended on, being the
sinse ov the Church. So that, regarding the first quotation which your
Holiness has supposed, it makes clane for us, and tee-totally agin the
heretics."

"That's the explanation sure enough," says his Holiness; "and now what
div you say to my being a common imposther?"

"Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all submission to the better
judgment ov the learned father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have
been a thrifle nearer the truth, if he had said that the Bishop ov Room
is the grand imposther and top-sawyer in that line over us all."

"What do you mane?" says the Pope, getting quite red in the face.

"What would I mane," says his Riv'rence, as composed as a docther ov
physic, "but that your Holiness is at the head ov all them--troth I had
a'most forgot I wasn't a bishop myself," says he, (the deludher was
going to say, as the head ov all _us_)--"that has the gift ov laying
on hands. For sure," says he, "imposther and _imposithir_ is all one,
so you're only to undherstand _manuum_, and the job is done. Awouich!"
says he, "if any heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that
agin me, I'd soon give him a lesson in the p'lite art ov cutting a
stick to welt his own back wid."

"'Pon my epostolical word," says the Pope, "you've cleared up them two
pints in a most satisfactory manner."

"You see," says his Riv'rence--by this time they wor mixing their
third tumbler--"the writings ov them Fathers is to be thrated wid
great veneration; and it 'ud be the height of presumption in any one
to sit down to interpret them widout providing himself wid a genteel
assortment ov the best figures ov rhetoric, sich as mettonymy,
hyperbol, cattychraysis, prolipsis, mettylipsis, superbaton,
pollysyndreton, hustheronprotheron, prosodypeia and the like, in ordher
that he may never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when he comes
to their high-flown passidges. For unless we thrate them Fathers
liberally to a handsome allowance ov thropes and figures, they'd set up
heresy at ons't, so they would."

"It's thrue for you," says the Pope; "the figures ov spache is the
pillars ov the Church."

"Bedad," says his Riv'rence, "I dunna what we'd do widout them at all."

"Which one do you prefir?" says the Pope; "that is," says he, "which
figure ov spache do you find most usefullest when you're hard set?"

"Metaphour's very good," says his Riv'rence, "and so's mettonymy--and
I've known prosodypeia stand to me at a pinch mighty well--but for a
constancy, superbaton's the figure for my money. Divil be in me," says
he, "but I'd prove black white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a
good stock ov superbaton."

"Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd need to have it backed, I
judge, wid a small taste ov assurance."

"Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'rence, "I'll prove it
widout aither one or other. Black," says he, "is one thing and white
is another thing. You don't conthravene that? But every thing is aither
one thing or another thing; I defy the apostle Paul to get over that
dilemma. Well! If any thing be one thing, well and good; but if it be
another thing, then it's plain it isn't both things, and so can't be
two things--nobody can deny that. But what can't be two things must be
one thing--_Ergo_, whether it's one thing or another thing it's all
one. But black is one thing and white is another thing--_Ergo_, black
and white is all one. _Quod erat demonsthrandum._"

"Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althegither give in to your
second minor--no--your second major," says he, and he stopped. "Faix,
then," says he, getting confused, "I don't rightly remimber where
it was exactly that I thought I seen the flaw in your premises.
Howsomdiver," says he, "I don't deny that it's a good conclusion, and
one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the Church if it was dhrawn wid
a little more distinctiveness."

"I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by
superbaton," says his Riv'rence. "My adversary says black is not
another color, that is, white! Now, that's jist a parallel passidge
wid the one out ov Tartullian that me and Hayes smashed the heretics
on in Clarendon sthreet, 'This is my body--that is, the figure ov my
body.' That's a superbaton, and we showed that it oughtn't to be read
that way at all, but this way, 'This figure ov my body _is_ my body.'
Jist so wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't be undherstood
the way it reads, by no manner ov manes; but it's to be taken this
way--'Black--that is, white, is not another color'--green, if you like,
or orange, by dad, for anything I care, for my case is proved. 'Black,'
that is, 'white,' lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have
the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,' or by convarsion, 'White is
black.'"

"It's as clear as mud," says the Pope.

"Begad," says his Riv'rence, "I'm in great humor for disputin'
to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a heretic jist for two minutes,"
says he, "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you!"

"Well, then, for the fun o' the thing, suppose me my namesake, if you
like," says the Pope, laughing, "though, by Jayminy," says he, "he's
not one that I take much pride out ov."

"Very good--divil a betther joke ever I had," says his Riv'rence.
"Come, then, Misther Pope," says he, "hould up that purty face ov
yours, and answer me this question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie, if I
said I seen a turkey-cock lying on the broad ov his back, and picking
the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gandher
in the same interestin' posture, raycreating himself wid similar
asthronomical expiriments? Answer me that, you ould swaddler?" says he.

"How durst you call me a swaddler, sir," says the Pope, forgetting, the
dear man, the part that he was acting.

"Don't think for to bully me!" says his Riv'rence, "I always daar
to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a
swaddling ould sinner of a saint," says he, never letting on to persave
that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on.

"By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often hard ov the imperance ov
you Irish afore," says he, "but I never expected to be called a saint
in my own house either by Irishman or Hottentot. I'll till you what,
Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil tongue in your
head, you had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg lave to
give you to undherstand, that it won't be for the good ov your health
if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he.

"Oh, indeed! then things is come to a purty pass," says his Riv'rence
(the dear funny soul that he ever was!) "when the likes of you compares
one of the Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild Ingine! Why, man alive, the
Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore your
grandfather, that was the first of your breed that ever wore shoes and
stockings" (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that
this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way ov a figure ov spache),
"was sint his Majesty's arrand to cultivate the friendship of Prince
Lee Boo in Botteney Bay! Oh Bryan, dear," says he, letting on to cry,
"if you were alive to hear a _boddagh Sassenagh_ like this casting up
his counthry to one ov the name ov Maguire!"

"In the name ov God," says the Pope, very solemniously, "what _is_ the
meaning ov all this at all at all?" says he.

"Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across the table, "sure
you know we're acting a conthravarsy, and you tuck the part of the
Prodesan champion. You wouldn't be angry wid me, I'm sure, for sarving
out the heretic to the best ov my ability."

"Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-natured ould crethur;
"sure enough you were only taking your part, as a good Milesian
Catholic ought, agin the heretic Sassenagh. Well," says he, "fire away
now, and I'll put up wid as many conthrovarsial compliments as you
plase to pay me."

"Well, then, answer me my question, you sanctimonious ould dandy," says
his Riv'rence.

"In troth, then," says the Pope, "I dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie:
to my mind," says he, "the one appears to be about as big a bounce as
the other."

"Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence, "don't you
persave that, forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length
ov his neck, it 'ud be next to onpossible for the turkey-cock lying
thataway to see what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other
accouthrements hanging back over his eyes? The one about as big a
bounce as the other! Oh, you misforthunate crethur! if you had ever
larned your A B C in theology, you'd have known that there's a differ
betuxt them two lies so great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher if it
'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that ud be
in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that the Church is too liberal entirely, so
she is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to
have him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and take half-a-year
at dogmatical theology: go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you!"

"Raaly," says the Pope, "you're making the heretic's shoes too hot to
hould me. I wondher how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all."

"Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, "don't think to back
out ov your challenge now," says he, "but come to the scratch like a
man, if you are a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason,
now, that Julius Cæsar and the Vargin Mary was born upon the one
day?--answer me that, if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform!"

Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, and he had to acknowledge
himself sacked. Then he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason
himself; and Father Tom communicated it to him in Latin. But as that is
a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was, except that I'm
tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's hair stand on end.

But there's two o'clock, and I'll be late for the lecthir.




CHAPTER III.

HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLINESS IN LATIN.


Oh, Dochter Whately, Docther Whately, I'm sure I'll never die another
death if I don't die aither of consumption or production! I ever and
always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till
now--and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough
enough morsel to break a man's fast upon--and geolidgy is middling
and hard too--and hydherastatics is no joke; but ov all the books ov
science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon Pilitical Econimy
lifts the pins! Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that
taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain
parts isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long time in
troth. But you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his
Holiness got on after finishing the disputation I was telling you ov.
Well, you see, my dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hould a candle
to Father Tom in theology and logic, he thought he'd take the shine
out ov him in Latin anyhow; so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I
quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them
deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid;
and," says he, "I think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out
in Latin," says he, "for fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are
saying."

"Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether he undherstands what
we're saying or not, so long as we keep off that last pint we wor
discussing, and one or two others. List'ners never heard good ov
themselves," says he; "and if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that
aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him
stand forrid like a man, and, never fear, I'll give him his answer.
Howandiver, if it's for a taste ov classic conversation you are, just
to put us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you;" and
wid that he lets fly at his Holiness wid his health in Latin.

"Vesthræ Sanctitatis salutem volo!" says he.

"Vesthræ Revirintiæ salubritati bibo!" says the Pope to him again
(faith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning).
"Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian.
"Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he.

"Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence. "Cum summâ
concupiscintiâ et animositate," says he; as much as to say: "Wid all
the veins ov my heart, I'll do that same;" and so, wid that, they mixed
their fourth gun a piece.

"Aqua vitæ vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," says the Pope.

"Verum est pro te--it's thrue for you," says his Riv'rence, forgetting
the idyim ov the Latin phrawseology, in a manner.

"Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope, finding fault like
wid his etymology.

"Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that is," says his Riv'rence;
"nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus," says he--the dear man!
that never was at a loss for an excuse!

"Quid tibi incommodi?" says the Pope, axing him what ailed him.

"Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking-glass," says his Riv'rence.

"Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatoriæ," says the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box,
wid a looking-glass in under the lid; "Subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatorii--no--starnutatoriæ--quam dono accepi ab Archi-duce
Austhriaco siptuagisima prætheritâ," says he; as much as to say that
he got the box in a prisint from the Queen of Spain last Lint, if I
rightly remimber.

Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last says he, "Pather
Sancte," says he, "sub errore jaces. 'Looking-glass' apud nos habet
significationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem"--there
was a sthring ov accusatives for yez!--"nam mane speculum sonat,"
says he, "post prandium vero mat--mat--mat"--sorra be in me but I
disremimber the classic appellivation ov the same article. Howandiver,
his Riv'rence went on explaining himself in such a way as no scholar
could mistake. "Vesica mea," says he, "ab illo ultimo eversore
distenditur, donec similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis," says he,
"Vesthræ Sanctitatis præsentia salvata, aquam facere valde desidhero."

"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Pope, grabbing up his box; "si inquinavisses
meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses. Hillo, Anthony," says he to his
head butler, "fetch Misther Maguire a----"

"You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate: "You spoke
first in the vernacular. I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he.

"What else would you have me to do?" says the Pope, quite dogged like
to see himself bate thataway at his own waypons. "Sure," says he,
"Anthony wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him
any other way."

"Well, then," says his Riv'rence, in considheration ov the needcessity,
says he, "I'll let you off for this time; but mind, now, afther I
say _præstho_, the first of us that spakes a word of English is the
hare--_præstho_!"

Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considhering wid themselves
how they wor to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last says the
Pope--the blessed man! only think how 'cute it was ov him!--"Domine
Maguire," says he, "valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione
istius verbi _eversor_ quo jam jam usus es"--(well, surely I _am_ the
boy for the Latin!)

"_Eversor_, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, "nam apud nos
_tumbleri_, seu eversores, dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremonian inter
amicos; non, ut Temperantiæ Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet,
ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus." (It's not every masther unher the
Boord, I tell you, could carry such a car-load ov the dead langidges.)
"In agro vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, "nomine gaudent quodam
secundum linguam Anglicanam significante bombardam seu tormentum; quia
ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immitere solent.
Etiam inter hæreticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch of Greek),
"Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, Cyathi
dicti sunt _faceres_, et dimidium Cyathi _hæf-a-glessus_. Dimidium
Cyathi vero apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur _dandy_."--

"En verbum Anglicanum!" says the Pope, clapping his hands--"leporem te
fecisti;" as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself.

"_Dandæus, dandæus_, verbum erat," says his Riv'rence--oh, the dear
man, but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov
a hobble--"_dandæus_ verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me
intherpillavisti."

"Ast ego dico," says the Pope, very sharp, "quod verbum erat _dandy_."

"Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says his Riv'rence, "id
flagellat mundum! _Dandæus_ dixi, et tu dicis _dandy_; ergo tu es
lepus, non ego--Ah, ha! Saccavi vesthram Sanctitatem!"

"Mendacium est!" says the Pope, quite forgetting himself, he was so mad
at being sacked before the sarvints.

Well, if it hadn't been that his Holiness was in it, Father Tom 'ud
have given him the contints of his tumbler betuxt the two eyes for
calling him a liar; and, in troth, it's very well it was in Latin the
offince was conveyed, for, if it had been in the vernacular, there's
no saying what 'ud ha' been the consequence. His Riv'rence was mighty
angry anyhow.--"Tu senex lathro," says he, "quomodo audes me mendacem
prædicare?"

"Et tu, sacrilege nebulo," says the Pope, "quomodo audacitatem habeas,
me Dei in terris vicarium, lathronem conviciari?"

"Interroga circumcirca," says his Riv'rence.

"Abi ex ædibus meis," says the Pope.

"Abi tu in malem crucem," says his Riv'rence.

"Excomunicabo te," says the Pope.

"Diabolus curat," says his Riv'rence.

"Anathema sis," says the Pope.

"Oscula meum pod," says his Riv'rence--but, my dear, afore he
could finish what he was going to say, the Pope broke out into the
vernacular, "Get out o' my house, you reprobate!" says he, in sich a
rage that he could contain himself widin the Latin no longer.

"Ha, ha, ha!--ho, ho, ho!" says his Riv'rence. "Who's the hare now,
your Holiness? Oh, by this and by that, I've sacked you clane! Clane
and clever I've done it, and no mistake! You see what a bit ov desate
will do wid the wisest, your Holiness--sure it was joking I was, on
purpose to aggravate you--all's fair, you know, in love, law, and
conthravarsy. In troth if I'd thought you'd have taken it so much to
heart, I'd have put my head into the fire afore I'd have said a word to
offind you," says he, for he seen that the Pope was very vexed. "Sure,
God forbid that I'd say anything agin your Holiness, barring it was
in fun: for arn't you the father ov the faithful, and the thrue vicar
ov God upon earth? And amn't I ready to go down on my two knees this
blessed minit and beg your epostolical pardon for every word that I
said to your displasement?"

"Are you in arnest that it is in fun you wor?" says the Pope.

"May I never die if I amn't," says his Riv'rence. "It was all to
provoke your Holiness to commit a brache ov the Latin that I tuck the
small liberties I did," says he.

"I'd have you to take care," says the Pope, "how you take sich small
liberties again, or maybe you'll provoke me to commit a brache ov the
pace."

"Well, and if I did," said his Riv'rence, "I know a sartan preparation
ov chymicals that's very good for curing a brache either in Latinity or
frindship."

"What's that?" says the Pope, quite mollified, and sitting down
again at the table that he had ris from in the first pluff ov his
indignation. "What's that?" says he, "for, 'pon my Epistolical 'davy,
I think it 'udn't be asy to bate this miraclous mixthir that we've
been thrying to anilize this two hours back," says he, taking a mighty
scientifical swig out ov the bottom ov his tumbler.

"It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence: "it lays a very nate
foundation for more sarious operation: but we're now arrived at a
pariod ov the evening when its time to proceed wid our shuperstructhure
by compass and square, like free and excipted masons as we both are."

My time's up for the present; but I'll tell you the rest in the evening
at home.




CHAPTER IV.

HOW FATHER TOM AND HIS HOLINESS DISPUTED IN METAPHYSICS AND ALGEBRA.


God be wid the time when I went to the classical seminary ov
Firdramore! when I'd bring my sod o' turf undher my arm, and sit down
on my shnug boss o' straw, wid my back to the masther and my shins
to the fire, and score my sum in Dives's denominations or the double
rule o' three, or play fox-and-geese wid purty Jane Cruise that sat
next me, as plisantly as the day was long, widout any one so much as
saying, "Mikey Heffernan, what's that you're about?"--for ever since I
was in the one lodge wid poor ould Mat I had my own way in his school
as free as ever I had in my mother's shebeen. God be wid them days, I
say again, for its althered times wid me, I judge, since I got under
Carlisle and Whately. Sich sthrictness! sich ordher! sich dhrilling,
and lecthiring, and tuthoring as they do get on wid! I wisht to
gracious the one-half ov their rules and rigilations was sunk in the
say. And they're getting so sthrict, too, about having fair play for
the heretic childher! We've to have no more schools in the chapels,
nor masses in the schools. Oh, by this and by that it'll never do at
all! The ould plan was twenty times betther; and, for my own part, if
it wasn't that the clargy supports them in a manner, and the grant's a
thing not easily done widout these hard times, I'd see if I couldn't
get a sheltered spot nigh-hand the chapel, and set up again on the good
ould principle: and faix, I think our Metropolitan 'ud stand to me, for
I know that his Grace's motto was ever and always, that "Ignorance is
the thrue mother of piety."

But I'm running away from my norration entirely, so I am. "You'll plase
to ordher up the housekeeper, then," says Father Tom to the Pope, "wid
a pint ov sweet milk in a skillet, and the bulk ov her fist ov butther,
along wid a dust ov soft sugar in a saucer, and I'll show you the way
ov producing a decoction that, I'll be bound, will hunt the thirst out
ov every nook and corner in your Holiness's blessed carcidge."

The Pope ordhered up the ingredients, and they were brought in by the
head butler.

"That'll not do at all," says his Riv'rence, "the ingredients won't
combine in due proportion unless ye do as I bid yez. Send up the
housekeeper," says he, "for a faymale hand is ondispinsably necessary
to produce the adaptation ov the particles and the concurrence ov the
corpuscles, without which you might boil till morning, and never fetch
the cruds off ov it."

Well, the Pope whispered to his head butler, and by-and-by up there
comes an ould faggot ov a _Caillean_, that was enough to frighten a
horse from his oats.

"Don't thry for to desave me," says his Riv'rence, "for it's no use,
I tell yez. Send up the housekeeper, I bid yez: I seen her presarving
gooseberries in the panthry as I came up: she has eyes as black as a
sloe," says he, "and cheeks like the rose in June; and sorra taste ov
this celestial mixthir shall crass the lips ov man or mortial this
blessed night till she stirs the same up wid her own delicate little
finger."

"Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "it's very unproper ov you to spake
that way ov my housekeeper: I won't allow it, sir."

"Honor bright, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, laying his hand on
his heart.

"Oh, by this and by that, Misther Maguire," says the Pope, "I'll have
none ov your insinivations: I don't care who sees my whole household,"
says he; "I don't care if all the faymales undher my roof was paraded
down the High Street ov Room," says he.

"Oh, it's plain to be seen how little you care who sees them," says his
Riv'rence. "You're afeared, now, if I was to see your housekeeper, that
I'd say she was too handsome."

"No, I'm not!" says the Pope; "I don't care who sees her," says he.
"Anthony," says he to the head butler, "bid Eliza throw her apron
over her head, and come up here." Wasn't that stout in the blessed
man? Well, my dear, up she came, stepping like a three-year-old, and
blushing like the break o' day: for though her apron was thrown over
her head as she came forrid, till you could barely see the tip ov her
chin--more be token there was a lovely dimple in it, as I've been
tould--yet she let it shlip a bit to one side, by chance like, jist as
she got forninst the fire, and if she wouldn't have given his Riv'rence
a shot if he hadn't been a priest, it's no matther.

"Now, my dear," says he, "you must take that skillet, and hould it over
the fire till the milk comes to a blood-hate; and the way you'll know
that will be by stirring it ons't or twice wid the little finger ov
your right hand, afore you put in the butther: not that I misdoubt,"
says he, "but that the same finger's fairer nor the whitest milk that
ever came from the tit."

"None ov your deludhering talk to the young woman, sir," says the Pope,
mighty stern. "Stir the posset as he bids you, Eliza, and then be off
wid yourself," says he.

"I beg your Holiness's pardon ten thousand times," says his Riv'rence;
"I'm sure I meant nothing onproper; I hope I'm uncapable ov any sich
dirilection ov my duty," says he. "But, marciful Saver!" he cried out,
jumping up on a suddent, "look behind you, your Holiness--I'm blest but
the room's on fire!"

Sure enough the candle fell down that minit, and was near setting fire
to the windy-curtains, and there was some bustle, as you may suppose,
getting things put to rights. And now I have to tell you ov a raally
onpleasant occurrence. If I was a Prodesan that was in it, I'd say that
while the Pope's back was turned, Father Tom made free wid the two
lips ov Miss Eliza; but, upon my conscience, I believe it was a mere
mistake that his Holiness fell into on account of his being an ould
man, and not having aither his eyesight or his hearing very parfect. At
any rate it can't be denied but that he had a sthrong imprission that
sich was the case; for he wheeled about as quick as thought, jist as
his Riv'rence was sitting down, and charged him wid the offince plain
and plump. "Is it kissing my housekeeper before my face you are, you
villain?" says he. "Go down out o' this," says he to Miss Eliza; "and
do you be packing off wid you," he says to Father Tom, "for it's not
safe, so it isn't, to have the likes ov you in a house where there's
temptation in your way."

"Is it me?" says his Riv'rence; "why, what would your Holiness be at,
at all? Sure I wasn't doing no sich thing."

"Would you have me doubt the evidence ov my sinses?" says the Pope;
"would you have me doubt the testimony ov my eyes and ears?" says he.

"Indeed I would so," says his Riv'rence, "if they pretind to have
informed your Holiness of any sich foolishness."

"Why," says the Pope, "I seen you afther kissing Eliza as plain as I
see the nose on your face; I heard the smack you gave her as plain as
ever I heard thundher."

"And how do you know whether you see the nose on my face or not?"
says his Riv'rence; "and how do you know whether what you thought was
thundher, was thundher at all? Them operations of the sinses," says
he, "comprises only particular corporayal emotions, connected wid
sartin confused perciptions called sinsations, and isn't to be depended
upon at all. If we were to follow them blind guides, we might jist as
well turn heretics at ons't. 'Pon my secret word, your Holiness, it's
naither charitable nor orthodox ov you to set up the testimony ov your
eyes and ears agin the character ov a clergyman. And now, see how aisy
it is to explain all them phwenomena that perplexed you. I ris and went
over beside the young woman because the skillet was boiling over, to
help her to save the dhrop ov liquor that was in it; and as for the
noise you heard, my dear man, it was neither more nor less nor myself
dhrawing the cork out ov this blissid bottle."

"Don't offer to thrape that upon me!" says the Pope; "here's the cork
in the bottle still, as tight as a wedge."

"I beg your pardon," says his Riv'rence, "that's not the cork at all,"
says he; "I dhrew the cork a good two minits ago, and it's very purtily
spitted on the end ov this blessed cork-shcrew at this prisint moment;
howandiver you can't see it, because it's only its raal prisence that's
in it. But that appearance that you call a cork," says he, "is nothing
but the outward spacies and external qualities ov the cortical nathur.
Them's nothing but the accidents ov the cork that you're looking at and
handling; but, as I tould you afore, the real cork's dhrew, and is
here prisint on the end ov this nate little insthrument, and it was the
noise I made in dhrawing it, and nothing else, that you mistook for the
sound ov the _pogue_."

You know there was no conthravening what he said; and the Pope couldn't
openly deny it. Howandiver he thried to pick a hole in it this way.
"Granting," says he, "that there is the differ you say betuxt the
reality ov the cork and them cortical accidents, and that it's quite
possible, as you allidge, that the thrue cork is really prisint on the
end ov the shcrew, while the accidents keep the mouth ov the bottle
stopped--still," says he, "I can't undherstand, though willing to
acquit you, how the dhrawing ov the real cork, that's onpalpable and
widout accidents, could produce the accident ov that sinsible explosion
I heard jist now."

"All I can say," says his Riv'rence, "is, that I'm sinsible it was a
raal accident, anyhow."

"Ay," says the Pope, "The kiss you gev Eliza, you mane."

"No," says his Riv'rence, "but the report I made."

"I don't doubt you," says the Pope.

"No cork could be dhrew with less noise," says his Riv'rence.

"It would be hard for anything to be less nor nothing, barring
algebra," says the Pope.

"I can prove to the conthrary," says his Riv'rence. "This glass ov
whisky is less nor that tumbler ov punch, and that tumbler ov punch is
nothing to this jug of _scaltheen_."

"Do you judge by superficial misure or by the liquid contents?" says
the Pope.

"Don't stop me betuxt my premisses and my conclusion," says his
Riv'rence; "_Ergo_, this glass ov whisky is less nor nothing; and for
that raison I see no harm in life in adding it to the contents ov the
same jug, just by way ov a frost-nail."

"Adding what's less nor nothing," says the Pope, "is subthraction
according to algebra; so here goes to make the rule good," says he,
filling his tumbler wid the blessed stuff, and sitting down again
at the table, for the anger didn't stay two minutes on him, the
good-hearted ould sowl.

"Two minuses makes one plus," says his Riv'rence, as ready as you
plase, "and that'll account for the increased daycrement I mane to
take the liberty ov producing in the same mixed quantity," says he,
follying his Holiness's epistolical example.

"By all that's good," says the Pope, "that's the best stuff I ever
tasted; you call it a mixed quantity, but I say it's prime."

"Since it's ov the first ordher, then," says his Riv'rence, "we'll have
the less deffeequilty in reducing it to a simple equation."

"You'll have no fractions at my side, anyhow," says the Pope. "Faix,
I'm afeard," says he, "it's only too aisy ov solution our sum is like
to be."

"Never fear for that," says his Riv'rence, "I've a good stock ov surds
here in the bottle; for I tell you it will take us a long time to
exthract the root ov it, at the rate we're going on."

"What makes you call the blessed quart an irrational quantity?" says
the Pope.

"Becase it's too much for one, and too little for two," says his
Riv'rence.

"Clear it ov its co-efficient, and we'll thry," says the Pope.

"Hand me over the exponent, then," says his Riv'rence.

"What's that?" says the Pope.

"The schrew, to be sure," says his Riv'rence.

"Sure the cork's dhrew," says the Pope.

"But the sperits can't get out on account of the accidents that's stuck
in the neck ov the bottle," says his Riv'rence.

"Accident ought to be passable to sperit," says the Pope, "and that
makes me suspect that the reality ov the cork's in it afther all."

"That's a barony-masia," says his Riv'rence, "and I'm not bound to
answer it. But the fact is, that it's the accidents ov the sperits too
that's in it, and the reality's passed out through the cortical spacies
as you say; for, you may have observed, we've both been in raal good
sperits ever since the cork was dhrawn, and where else would the raal
sperits come from if they would't come out ov the bottle?"

"Well, then," says the Pope, "since we've got the reality, there's no
use throubling ourselves wid the accidents."

"Oh, begad," says his Riv'rence, "the accidents is very essential too;
for a man may be in the best of good sperits, as far as his immaterial
part goes, and yet need the accidental qualities ov good liquor to hunt
the sinsible thirst out ov him." So he dhraws the cork in earnest, and
sets about brewing the other skillet ov _scaltheen_; but, faix, he had
to get up the ingredients this time by the hands ov ould Molly; though
devil a taste ov her little finger he'd let widin a yard ov the same
decoction.

But, my dear, here's the _Freeman's Journal_, and we'll see what's the
news afore we finish the residuary proceedings ov their two Holinesses.




CHAPTER V.

THE REASON WHY FATHER TOM WAS NOT MADE A CARDINAL.


Hurroo, my darlings!--didn't I tell you it 'ud never do? Success to
bould John Tuam and the old siminary of Firdramore! Oh, more power
to your Grace every day you rise, 'tis you that has broken their
Boord into shivers undher your feet! Sure, and isn't it a proud day
for Ireland, this blessed feast ov the chair ov Saint Pether? Isn't
Carlisle and Whately smashed to pieces, and their whole college ov
swaddling teachers knocked into smidhereens. John Tuam, your sowl, has
tuck his pasthoral staff in his hand and beathen them out o' Connaught
as fast ever Pathrick druve the sarpints into Clew Bay. Poor ould
Mat Kavanagh, if he was alive this day, 'tis he would be the happy
man. "My curse upon their g'ographies and Bibles," he used to say;
"where's the use ov perplexing the poor childer wid what we don't
undherstand ourselves?" no use at all, in troth, and so I said from
the first myself. Well, thank God and his Grace, we'll have no more
thrigonomethry nor scripther in Connaught. We'll hould our lodges every
Saturday night, as we used to do, wid our chairman behind the masther's
desk, and we'll hear our mass every Sunday morning wid the blessed
priest standing afore the same. I wisht to goodness I hadn't parted
wid my Seven Champions ov Christendom and Freney the Robber; they're
books that'll be in great requist in Leithrim as soon as the pasthoral
gets wind. Glory be to God! I've done wid their lecthirs--they may
all go and be d----d wid their consumption and production. I'm off to
Tullymactaggart before daylight in the morning, where I'll thry whether
a sod or two o' turf can't consume a cartload ov heresy, and whether a
weekly meeting ov the lodge can't produce a new thayory ov rints. But
afore I take my lave ov you, I may as well finish my story about poor
Father Tom that I hear is coming up to whale the heretics in Adam and
Eve during the Lint.

The Pope--and indeed it ill becomes a good Catholic to say anything
agin him--no more would I, only that his Riv'rence was in it--but you
see that the fact ov it is, that the Pope was as envious as ever he
could be, at seeing himself sacked right and left by Father Tom, and
bate out o' the face, the way he was, on every science and subjec'
that was started. So, not to be outdone altogether, he says to his
Riv'rence, "You're a man that's fond ov the brute crayation, I hear,
Misther Maguire?"

"I don't deny it," says his Riv'rence; "I've dogs that I'm willing to
run agin any man's, ay, or to match them agin any other dogs in the
world for genteel edication and polite manners," says he.

"I'll hould you a pound," says the Pope, "that I've a quadhruped in my
possession that's a wiser baste nor any dog in your kennel."

"Done," says his Riv'rence, and they staked the money.

"What can this larned quadhruped o' yours do?" says his Riv'rence.

"It's my mule," says the Pope, "and if you were to offer her goolden
oats and clover off the meadows o' Paradise, sorra taste ov aither
she'd let pass her teeth till the first mass is over every Sunday or
holiday in the year."

"Well, and what 'ud you say if I showed you a baste of mine," says his
Riv'rence, "that, instead ov fasting till first mass is over only,
fasts out the whole four-and-twenty hours ov every Wednesday and Friday
in the week as reg'lar as a Christian?"

"Oh, be aisy, Misther Maguire," says the Pope.

"You don't b'lieve me, don't you?" says his Riv'rence; "very well, I'll
soon show you whether or no," and he puts his knuckles in his mouth,
and gev a whistle that made the Pope stop his fingers in his ears. The
aycho, my dear, was hardly done playing wid the cobwebs in the cornish,
when the door flies open, and in jumps Spring. The Pope happened to be
sitting next the door, betuxt him and his Riv'rence, and, may I never
die, if he didn't clear him, thriple crown and all, at one spang.
"God's presence be about us!" says the Pope, thinking it was an evil
spirit come to fly away wid him for the lie that he had tould in
regard ov his mule (for it was nothing more nor a thrick that consisted
in grasing the brute's teeth): but, seeing it was one ov the greatest
beauties ov a grayhound that he'd ever laid his epistolical eyes on, he
soon recovered ov his fright, and began to pat him, while Father Tom
ris and went to the sideboord, where he cut a slice ov pork, a slice
ov beef, a slice ov mutton, and a slice ov salmon, and put them all on
a plate thegither. "Here, Spring, my man," says he, setting the plate
down afore him on the hearthstone, "here's your supper for you this
blessed Friday night." Not a word more he said nor what I tell you;
and, you may believe it or not, but it's the blessed truth that the
dog, afther jist tasting the salmon, and spitting it out again, lifted
his nose out o' the plate, and stood wid his jaws wathering, and his
tail wagging, looking up in his Riv'rence's face, as much as to say,
"Give me your absolution, till I hide them temptations out o' my sight."

"There's a dog that knows his duty," says his Riv'rence; "there's a
baste that knows how to conduct himself aither in the parlor or the
field. You think him a good dog, looking at him here; but I wisht you
seen him on the side ov Slieve-an-Eirin! Be my soul, you'd say the hill
was running away from undher him. Oh I wisht you had been wid me," says
he, never letting on to see the dog at all, "one day, last Lint, that I
was coming from mass. Spring was near a quarther ov a mile behind me,
for the childher was delaying him wid bread and butther at the chapel
door; when a lump ov a hare jumped out ov the plantations ov Grouse
Lodge and ran acrass the road; so I gave the whilloo, and knowing that
she'd take the rise ov the hill, I made over the ditch, and up through
Mullagheashel as hard as I could pelt, still keeping her in view, but
afore I had gone a perch, Spring seen her, and away the two went like
the wind, up Drumrewry, and down Clooneen, and over the river, widout
his being able ons't to turn her. Well, I run on till I came to the
Diffagher, and through it I went, for the wather was low and I didn't
mind being wet shod, and out on the other side, where I got up on a
ditch, and seen sich a coorse as I'll be bound to say was never seen
afore or since. If Spring turned that hare ons't that day, he turned
her fifty times, up and down, back and for'ard throughout and about.
At last he run her right into the big quarryhole in Mullaghbawn, and
when I went up to look for her fud, there I found him sthretched on his
side, not able to stir a foot, and the hare lying about an inch afore
his nose as dead as a door-nail, and divil a mark ov a tooth upon her.
Eh, Spring, isn't that thrue?" says he. Jist at that minit the clock
sthruck twelve, and, before you could say thrap-sticks, Spring had the
plateful ov mate consaled. "Now," says his Riv'rence, "hand me over my
pound, for I've won my bate fairly."

"You'll excuse me," says the Pope, pocketing his money, "for we put the
clock half an hour back, out ov compliment to your Riv'rence," says he,
"and it was Sathurday morning afore he came up at all."

"Well, it's no matther," says his Riv'rence, putting back his
pound-note in his pocket-book, "only," says he, "it's hardly fair
to expect a brute baste to be so well skilled in the science ov
chronology."

In troth his Riv'rence was badly used in the same bate, for he won
it clever; and, indeed, I'm afraid the shabby way he was thrated had
some effect in putting it into his mind to do what he did. "Will your
Holiness take a blast ov the pipe?" says he, dhrawing out his dhudeen.

"I never smoke," says the Pope, "but I haven't the laste objection to
the smell ov the tobaccay."

"Oh, you had better take a dhraw," says his Riv'rence, "it'll relish
the dhrink, that 'ud be too luscious entirely, widout something to
flavor it."

"I had thoughts," said the Pope, wid the laste sign ov a hiccup on him,
"ov getting up a broiled bone for the same purpose."

"Well," says his Riv'rence, "a broiled bone 'ud do no manner ov harm at
this present time; but a smoke," says he, "'ud flavor both the divil
and the dhrink."

"What sort o' tobaccay is it that's in it?" says the Pope.

"Raal nagur-head," says his Riv'rence; "a very mild and salubrious
spacies ov the philosophic weed."

"Then, I don't care if I do take a dhraw," says the Pope. Then Father
Tom held the coal himself till his Holiness had the pipe lit; and they
sat widout saying anything worth mentioning for about five minutes.

At last the Pope says to his Riv'rence: "I dunna what gev me this
plaguy hiccup," says he. "Dhrink about," says he--"Begorra," he says,
"I think I'm getting merrier nor's good for me. Sing us a song, your
Riv'rence," says he.

Father Tom then sung him Monatagrenoge and the Bunch o' Rushes, and
he was mighty well pleased wid both, keeping time wid his hands, and
joining in the choruses, when his hiccup 'ud let him. At last, my dear,
he opens the lower buttons ov his waistcoat, and the top one ov his
waistband, and calls to Master Anthony to lift up one ov the windys. "I
dunna what's wrong wid me, at all at all," says he, "I'm mortial sick."

"I thrust," says his Riv'rence, "the pasthry that you ate at dinner
hasn't disagreed wid your Holiness's stomach."

"Oh my! oh!" says the Pope, "what's this at all?" gasping for
breath, and as pale as a sheet, wid a could swate bursting out over
his forehead, and the palms ov his hands spread out to catch the
air. "Oh my!--oh my!" says he, "fetch me a basin!--Don't spake
to me. Oh!--oh!--blood alive!--Oh, my head, my head, hould my
head!--oh!--ubh!--I'm poisoned!--ach!"

"It was them plaguy pasthries," says his Riv'rence. "Hould his head
hard," says he, "and clap a wet cloth over his timples. If you could
only thry another dhraw o' the pipe, your Holiness, it 'ud set you to
rights in no time."

"Carry me to bed," says the Pope, "and never let me see that wild Irish
priest again. I'm poisoned by his manes--ubplsch!--ach!--ach!--He dined
wid Cardinal Wayld yesterday," says he, "and he's bribed him to take me
off. Send for a confissor," says he, "for my latther end's approaching.
My head's like to split--so it is!--Oh my! oh my!--ubplsch!--ach!"

Well, his Riv'rence never thought it worth his while to make him an
answer; but, when he seen how ungratefully he was used, afther all his
throuble in making the evening agreeable to the ould man, he called
Spring, and put the but-end ov the second bottle into his pocket, and
left the house widout once wishing "Good-night, an' plaisant dhrames
to you;" and, in troth, not one of _them_ axed him to lave them a lock
ov his hair.

That's the story as I heard it tould; but myself doesn't b'lieve over
one-half ov it. Howandiver, when all's done, it's a shame, so it is,
that he's not a bishop this blessed day and hour: for, next to the
goiant ov St. Jarlath's, he's out and out the cleverest fellow ov the
whole jing-bang.