The Philistine
                         A Periodical of Protest.

    _Some hae meat that canna eat, and some na meat that want it;_
    _But we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit!_

                     [Illustration: Vol. II. No. 4.]

                        Printed Every Little While
                    for The Society of The Philistines
                             and Published by
                       Them Monthly. Subscription,
                            One Dollar Yearly
                         Single Copies, 10 Cents.
                               March, 1896.




THE SOCIETY OF THE PHILISTINES.

(International.)


An association of Book Lovers and Folks who Write. Organized to further
Good-Fellowship among men and women who believe in allowing the widest
liberty to Individuality in Art.

ARTICLE XII. SEC. 2. The annual dues shall be one dollar. This shall
entitle the member to all the documents issued by the Society, together
with one copy of the PHILISTINE magazine, monthly, for one year.

Truthful manuscript seeking the Discerning Reader should be addressed to
the Scrivener (assistant to the Datary); funds, forwarded for the matter
of subscriptions, to the Bursar.

                         Address The Philistine,
                            East Aurora, N. Y.

THE PHILISTINE is published monthly at $1 a year, 10 cents a single
copy. Subscriptions may be left with newsdealers or sent direct to the
publishers. The trade supplied by the AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY and its
branches. Foreign agencies, BRENTANO’S, 37 Avenue de l’Opera, Paris; G.
P. PUTNAM’S SONS, 24 Bedford street, Strand, London.




THE PHILISTINE.




CONTENTS FOR MARCH, 1896.


    A Great Mistake,                       Stephen Crane

    The Model of a Statesman,         Charles M. Skinner

    The Filling of the Joneses,         William McIntosh

    Paul Knew,                             Frederic Almy

    A Complaint of Some Editors,             Neith Boyce

    Wind of the West,             John Northern Hilliard

    The Port of Ships,                    Joaquin Miller

    A Buccaneer Toast,              Eugene Richard White

    Notes.

Subscriptions can begin with the current number only. A very limited
quantity of back numbers can be supplied. Vol. 1, No. 1, 75 cents. Nos.
2, 3, 4 and 5 at 25 cents each.

Mr. Collin’s PHILISTINE poster in three printings will be mailed to
any address on receipt of 25 cents by the publishers. A few signed and
numbered copies on Japan vellum remain at $1.00 each.

_Entered at the Postoffice at East Aurora, New York, for transmission as
mail matter of the second class._

_COPYRIGHT, 1896, by B. C. Hubbard._




_The Bibelot._


MDCCCXCVI

Those authors and subjects that many readers are glad to come at in a
brief way, (and who may be thereby quickened to direct their studies anew
to the sometimes surface hidden beauties of literature,) will continue to
find ample presentation in _The Bibelot_ for 1896.

The typework that has made so many friends among bookmen, will also
be fully sustained; in a word, _The Bibelot_ still proposes to remain
something quite by itself, and out of the highway and beaten track of
every-day book-making.

Subscriptions for 1896 at the regular price, 50 cents in advance,
postpaid, are taken for the complete year only. After March 1, the rate
will be 75 cents, which will, on completion of Volume II, be advanced to
$1.00 net.

It is desirable that RENEWALS FOR 1896 should be forwarded Mr. Mosher
_early_ that no vexatious delays may occur in mailing. All subscriptions
must begin with January and end with December of each year.

                       THOMAS B. MOSHER, Publisher.
                             Portland, Maine.




[Illustration: MODERN ART

Edited by J. M. BOWLES.]


Quarterly. Illustrated.

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This is _Modern Art_.”—_Galignani Messenger (Paris)._

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itself.”—_Chicago Tribune._

_Fifty Cents a Number. Two Dollars a Year. Single Copies (back numbers)
50 Cents in Stamps. Illustrated Sample Page Free._

Arthur W. Dow has designed a new poster for _Modern Art_. It is exquisite
in its quiet harmony and purely decorative character, with breadth and
simplicity in line and mass, and shows the capacity of pure landscape for
decorative purposes.—_The Boston Herald._

_Price, 25 Cents in Stamps, Sent Free to New Subscribers to Modern Art._

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The _Fly Leaf_ is distinctive among all the Bibelots.—_Footlights_,
Philadelphia.

THE FLY LEAF.


A Pamphlet Periodical of the Modern, conducted by Walter Blackburn Harte
and an able corps of “Les Jeunes,” who believe in the future of American
Authorship and Literature.

Overcrowded market? Yes—with Poor Stuff! But there is room enough in the
Literary Show for a Periodical of LITERATURE. The Most Periodicals are
only PRINT.

The _Fly Leaf_ is filled with Wit and Personality, Humor and Fantasy,
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at sight. It is written with Individuality and a Freed Lance, but is not
trivial nor decadent. There is a proper admixture of Worldly Wisdom and
Common Sense.

It is a delightfully keen little swashbuckler.—_The Echo_, Chicago.

He (the editor) has the wit and impudence of Falstaff.—_The Post_,
Hartford, Conn.

It is time that American authorship had a champion before the people of
this country.—_The Standard_, Syracuse.

For Sale by all Booksellers.

Sample copies cost 5 cents, or three for 10 cents. Current number 10
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                              THE FLY LEAF,
                  269 St. Botolph Street, Boston, Mass.




THE PHILISTINE.


               NO. 4.         March, 1896.         VOL. 2.




A BUCCANEER TOAST.


          To the Fiend of the Seven Seas,
            To the Print of the Dead Man’s Thumb;
          To a Curse at Death with a dying breath,
            Here’s Death in a Draught of Rum!

    _Here’s to Hell, toss it off in a quaff, lads,_
    _Drink the health of the Devil and laugh, lads,_
    _Pledge the tale of the Wheat and the Chaff, lads,_
                      _Here’s to Hell!_

          To the Dead in the Dismal Sea,
            To the Bleaching Bones on the Beach,
          To a hate-born stroke of the Valiant Folk
            And the Tunes that the Sea can teach!

    _Here’s the Sea, for her grey clutch has got ye,_
    _May her salt kisses poison and rot ye,_
    _By the Soul of the Beast who begot ye,_
                      _Here’s the sea!_

          To a slash at the Heart of a Don,
            To the Port that never may be,
          Drink deep to the Ghosts of the Spanish Hosts,
            Who loom in the Mists of the Sea!

    _Here’s to Hell, toss it off in a quaff, lads,_
    _Drink the health of the Devil and laugh, lads,_
    _Pledge the tale of the Wheat and the Chaff, lads,_
                      _Here’s to Hell!_

                                      EUGENE R. WHITE.




A GREAT MISTAKE.


An Italian kept a fruit stand on a corner where he had good aim at the
people who came down from the elevated station and at those who went
along two thronged streets. He sat most of the day in a backless chair
that was placed strategically.

There was a babe living hard by, up five flights of stairs, who regarded
this Italian as a tremendous being. The babe had investigated this fruit
stand. It had thrilled him as few things he had met with in his travels
had thrilled him. The sweets of the world laid there in dazzling rows,
tumbled in luxurious heaps. When he gazed at this Italian seated amid
such splendid treasure, his lower lip hung low and his eyes raised to
the vendor’s face were filled with deep respect, worship, as if he saw
omnipotence.

The babe came often to this corner. He hovered about the stand and
watched each detail of the business. He was fascinated by the tranquility
of the vendor, the majesty of power and possession. At times, he was so
engrossed in his contemplation that people, hurrying, had to use care to
avoid bumping him down.

He had never ventured very near to the stand. It was his habit to hang
warily about the curb. Even there he resembled a babe who looks unbidden
at a feast of gods.

One day, however, as the baby was thus staring, the vendor arose and
going along the front of the stand, began to polish oranges with a red
pocket-handkerchief. The breathless spectator moved across the sidewalk
until his small face almost touched the vendor’s sleeve. His fingers were
gripped in a fold of his dress.

At last, the Italian finished with the oranges and returned to his chair.
He drew a newspaper printed in his language from behind a bunch of
bananas. He settled himself in a comfortable position and began to glare
savagely at the print. The babe was left face to face with the massed
joys of the world.

For a time he was a simple worshipper at this golden shrine. Then
tumultuous desires began to shake him. His dreams were of conquest. His
lips moved. Presently into his head there came a little plan.

He sidled nearer, throwing swift and cunning glances at the Italian.
He strove to maintain his conventional manner, but the whole plot was
written upon his countenance.

At last he had come near enough to touch the fruit. From the tattered
skirt came slowly his small dirty hand. His eyes were still fixed upon
the vendor. His features were set, save for the under lip, which had a
faint fluttering movement. The hand went forward.

Elevated trains thundered to the station and the stairway poured people
upon the sidewalks. There was a deep sea roar from feet and wheels going
ceaselessly. None seemed to perceive the babe engaged in the great
venture.

The Italian turned his paper. Sudden panic smote the babe. His hand
dropped and he gave vent to a cry of dismay. He remained for a moment
staring at the vendor. There was evidently a great debate in his mind.
His infant intellect had defined the Italian. The latter was undoubtedly
a man who would eat babes that provoked him. And the alarm in him when
the vendor had turned his newspaper brought vividly before him the
consequences if he were detected.

But at this moment, the vendor gave a blissful grunt and tilting his
chair against a wall, closed his eyes. His paper dropped unheeded.

The babe ceased his scrutiny and again raised his hand. It was moved with
supreme caution toward the fruit. The fingers were bent, claw-like, in
the manner of great heart-shaking greed.

Once he stopped and chattered convulsively because the vendor moved in
his sleep. The babe with his eyes still upon the Italian again put forth
his hand and the rapacious fingers closed over a round bulb.

And it was written that the Italian should at this moment open his eyes.
He glared at the babe a fierce question. Thereupon the babe thrust the
round bulb behind him and with a face expressive of the deepest guilt,
began a wild but elaborate series of gestures declaring his innocence.

The Italian howled. He sprang to his feet, and with three steps overtook
the babe. He whirled him fiercely and took from the little fingers a
lemon.

                                                            STEPHEN CRANE.




WIND OF THE WEST.


    The wind tonight is cool and free,
    The wind tonight is Westerly;
    Sweeping in from the plains afar,
    Sweet and faint—yet wild as are
    All scents and odors blent
                In the Occident.

    My thoughts tonight are far and free,
    My thoughts tonight are Westerly;
    Sweeping out to the plains afar,
    Where roses grow and grasses are
    Carpets that spread so cool and sweet
                For my naked feet.

    My heart tonight is wild and free,
    My heart tonight is Westerly;
    But I’m living again those old, glad days,
    Roaming at pleasure the grassy ways,—
    Only a herder riding the swales
                Of the prairie trails.

                       JOHN NORTHERN HILLIARD.




PAUL KNEW.


An article in a late number of THE PHILISTINE names Organized Charity
as _The Kind that Paul Forgot_. Such an aspersion on a saint’s memory
is itself uncharitable. If Paul knew his Bible he did not forget the
injunction of the Old Testament: “I was a Father to the poor, and the
cause which I knew not I searched out;” and Paul said himself to the
Thessalonians: “If any man will not work neither shall he eat.” These
precepts state two root principles of charity organization—information
before reformation, and a flat denial of alms to the indolent. To deny
their truth would imply a “Philistinism” of the obnoxious kind that
Matthew Arnold had in mind when he said: “Philistine gives the notion
of something particularly stiff-necked and perverse in its resistance to
light.” Even Paul, by the way, was once such a Philistine, but we read
that as he journeyed towards Damascus a great light shone around him and
he became a new man.

“When letters of appeal to the newspapers are sent to a board of review,”
our critic says, “impulse will be put in cold storage.” Possibly, but
it would no longer be easier for people to work the newspapers than to
work themselves. “Catalogue poverty,” he says, “quiz it, register it,
dub it Case One; let hunger wait for an investigation, and if a bar
sinister appears anywhere, deny food and shelter.” The last sentence
could never have been written if its author had made some preliminary
inquiries such as modern charity requires. The invariable rule of true
charity is to relieve urgent distress instantly, and to forgive errors
seventy times seven even, with a sympathy which never grows callous, if
there is still a chance of helping. Paradoxical as it may seem, money is
not a panacea for poverty. If drink has made a man poor, money will feed
not him but his drunkenness. If improvidence is his fault, free lodging,
free food, free clothes, or even work found ready-made, will only foster
his improvidence. There are so-called charitable institutions which
spend huge sums in gathering about them colonies of thriftless, indolent
loafers, whose only hope of regeneration lies in the very spur of hunger
which devoted men and women are laboring night and day to remove. It
is “moral murder” to teach the poor that drunkenness, indolence and
improvidence will be toled along and that a “poor face” will draw doles.
To interfere lightly with the severe laws of Nature is to assume a
grave responsibility. “Suppose the Father of us all did administer His
beneficence on such a plan?” says our critic. Are we sure he does not?

Pauperism is a disease, and requires more skilled treatment and less
amateur dosing. Only the most unregenerate complain of the hospitals
because they catalogue sickness, register it, quiz it, dub it Case One,
or even let suffering wait for an investigation, and refuse to administer
soothing drugs which, _like alms_, give a temporary relief without
curing, and are apt to create an appetite which is more harmful than the
pain which they relieve.

The Moses has not yet appeared who shall lead the suffering masses out
of the bondage of poverty, and we know not even which road he will go,
but perhaps the smoothest way and the nearest way is not the one which
will prevent backsliding. “And it came to pass that God led them out,
not through the way of the Philistines, although that was near; for God
said, Lest peradventure they return to Egypt, but God led the people
about through the way of the wilderness of the Red Sea.”

                                                            FREDERIC ALMY.




THE PORT OF SHIPS.


In a recent critical article on American letters in the London _Atheneum_
is this sentence: “In point of power, workmanship and feeling among all
poems written by Americans we are inclined to give first place to the
_Port of Ships_ of Joaquin Miller.”

[This is high praise, and whether deserved or not I leave to my readers
to determine.—EDITOR.]

    Behind him lay the gray Azores,
      Behind the Gates of Hercules;
    Before him not the ghost of shores,
      Before him only shoreless seas.
    The good mate said: “Now must we pray,
      For lo! the very stars are gone.
    Brave Adm’ral speak—what shall I say?”
      “Why, say, ‘Sail on! Sail on! and on!’”

    “My men grow mutinous day by day;
      My men grow ghastly, wan and weak.”
    The stout mate thought of home; a spray
      Of salt wave washed his swarthy cheek.
    “What shall I say, brave Adm’ral, say,
      If we sight naught but seas at dawn?”
    “Why you shall say, at break of day,
      ‘Sail on! Sail on! Sail on! and on!’”

    They sailed, and sailed, as winds might blow,
      Until at last the blanched mate said:
    “Why, now not even God would know
      Should I and all my men fall dead.
    These very winds forget their way,
      For God from these dread seas is gone.
    Now speak, brave Adm’ral; speak, and say—”
      He said: “Sail on! Sail on! and on!”

    They sailed! They sailed! Then spake the mate:
      “This mad sea shows its teeth to-night;
    He curls his lip, he lies in wait
      With lifted teeth, as if to bite!
    Brave Adm’ral, say but one good word—
      What shall we do when hope is gone?”
    The words leaped as a leaping sword:
      “Sail on! Sail on! Sail on! and on!”

                                   JOAQUIN MILLER.




THE FILLING OF THE JONESES.


Sunset hour at the meridian of Paradise Flats: but no sunset was visible.
It was the worse end of a bad December day. Out doors, all was one color,
and the rain froze as it fell.

Before the big tenement stood a Russian sleigh, with an impatient pair
of clipped chestnuts. A Roman sentinel in furs sat on the box, and his
liveried mate groped in the dark hall for the habitat of John Jones,
who had been “recommended.” John Jones lived there, but there was no
evidence of it on the first floor. This tenement was not provided with a
hall directory and a battery of bells. Poverty makes residence uncertain
from month to month. Many a good man has been returned “not found” or “a
fake,” because he had to try elsewhere when the rent came due.

On the fifth floor, a room that looked back over a net of railroads held
John Jones’s treasures. Three little girls were keeping the stove warm.
There was some coal in it, but the way it acted was proof that warmth
is not always provoked by poking. The fire had a hungry look like the
children, and like them, moreover, evinced an anxious desire to go out,
cheerless as it was beyond the ineffective screen of the walls. The
footman’s knock created a flutter in the little group. Who would knock at
that door?

“It’s a p’liceman,” suggested little four-year-old Kit. The coal in the
stove and a grape basketful more had been picked up on the tracks.

Hand-in-hand they lined up at the door and eight-year-old Annie opened
it. Kit and the two-year-old pulled hard on the line when the towering
footman entered.

“Does John Jones live here?”

“Yes,” said the eldest girl.

“John Jones, who registered at the Work and Aid Bureau?”

“I think so,” said the girl, cautiously.

“Sure!” put in the four-year-old.

“Where is he?”

“He’s out looking for some work, sir.”

John was a mechanic until over-production or under-distribution or
something else turned everything upside down. Now he was looking for work
of any kind—and not finding it.

“Where’s your mother?”

“She’s sick in bed, sir,” said Annie.

“Say, mister! Do you know what we’ve got?” piped the four-year-old.
“We’ve got a new baby, and it’s a boy!”

A grunt of disgust was the lackey’s only answer. Well, what then? If John
Jones had work, or a little money in the bank, it would be no reproach
to him that the miracle of life had been wrought once more over in the
corner of that room, and that there was one more mouth to feed. But this
wasn’t business.

“Can you write?” the footman said to the girl.

“Yes, sir, a little,” she said.

“Write your name here,” he said, producing a receipt book.

The girl made a scratch where he indicated, with some tremor. Then he
handed her a large package which he had held in his gloved hand. “This is
for your father,” he said; “don’t open it until he comes,” and the vision
of furry magnificence faded from sight.

John Jones, coming up the narrow stair, was almost crowded down again by
the swelling cape of the man who was looking for him, passing down. Of
course neither knew the other. A moment later the father with a heavy
countenance entered the back room and asked in an anxious whisper how
mamma was. Before the elder girl could answer the younger cried out, “O
Papa! there was a splendid man here for you and he brought you somefing
nice.”

The square package was a problem to the man. So large and so light.
When it was opened the puzzle was no less. It was a picture—a beautiful
woman’s head, with a pensive, tender look that might have been the
Sphynx’s own schoolmarm stare for all it meant to him. As he looked for
an explanatory mark somewhere a card dropped to the floor. This is what
he read on it:

    John Jones, Esq.:

    DEAR SIR—At the last meeting of the Society for Ameliorating
    the Condition of the Poor the following resolution was
    unanimously adopted:

    WHEREAS, The refining influence of art is almost wholly lost to
    the poorer classes by reason of their lack of means and time to
    enjoy the exhibitions open to others, and

    WHEREAS, The degradation of poverty is to be cured not
    alone by teaching self-dependence by means of a labor test
    for applicants for relief but also by making the poorest
    conversant, so far as may be, with the works of the great
    masters of Literature, Music and Art; therefore be it

    _Resolved_, That each member of this Society shall be one of a
    committee to loan works of art to the poor and pledges himself
    or herself to place each week in the house of some poor family
    a picture or sculpture to be studied by such family, to be
    loaned such family for one week, in the hope of arousing in its
    members a love of the beautiful.

                                    ELEANOR GOULD MARTIN, Secretary.

All this but the address line was printed. Below a form was filled in as
follows:

    Names,                             _John Jones_.
    Residence,                     _Paradise Flats_.
    Picture,                     _Psyche, by Smith_.
    Owner,                   _Jane Hodges McVickar_.
    Date of Loan,               _December 16, 1895_.
    Picture to be called for,   _December 23, 1895_.

“Papa,” said four-year-old Kit, as the card fell from the nerveless hand
of John Jones, “I fought it was somefing good to eat.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The Latest Revision tells after this fashion what followed the Trial in
the Wilderness:

“And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights he was afterward
an-hungered.... And behold, angels came and patronized him.”

                                                         WILLIAM MCINTOSH.




A COMPLAINT OF SOME EDITORS.


Yes, most potent seignors, a complaint! Persuade me not; I will make a
star chamber matter of it.

Which of us—humble and much enduring devotees of the Muse—having somehow
got our song or sonnet accepted and in the course of years published, has
not waxed wroth to find it mischievously meddled with, the trail of the
editor’s blue pencil over all its printed lines?

In prose editorial interference is exasperating enough. But in verse,
where a comma misplaced, arbitrarily inserted or omitted, may change the
whole meaning or effect of a pet phrase! And when the editor comes to
manipulating words instead of punctuation marks, and juggling with rhymes
even and with titles, what is to be said? What the author commonly says
cannot be printed here.

I once knew a poetaster who wrote a handful of little rhymes which he
called rather happily after his own notion, “Songs of a Year,” and which
in due time appeared in print. The editor, however, had thought “The
Four Seasons” a more taking title. The poetaster disagreed with him, but
it was too late. Another effort of this same unfortunate he protested
tearfully that he could not recognize in its printed form except by the
strawberry mark, that is, the signature; and he said he wished the editor
had revised that, too, while he was about it.

What is an editor? Is he omniscient? We know better. Are all the articles
in his magazine supposed to bear the imprint of his ideas and style? When
Mr. Howells, at an alleged salary of fifteen thousand a year, edited the
_Cosmopolitan_ and wrote most of it himself—well, you remember.

If the editor knows to a comma how he wants his poetry written, let him
write it himself, as Mr. Gilder mostly does. If he thinks he can improve
on the poetical style of his contributor and wants to put in his time
that way, let him write and propose collaboration, or at least submit to
the poor mortal of an author a plan of the contemplated improvements. But
to go ahead on his own hook and change the whole complexion of the thing
perhaps, and then send it out over the original signature? It is not
honest.

The author relinquishes for a time the child of his brain, fondly
expecting to get it back again in beautiful new clothes of type. What he
does get is a changeling with dyed hair and a clothespin on its nose. Is
he grateful? Hardly.

When the editor accepts a drawing for his magazine does he proceed to
work it over, put in a few more shadows, touch up the high lights and
perhaps alter the arrangement of the model’s back hair? Not as a rule.

A magazine is not a school for drawing, nor is it a literary
kindergarten. An editor is not a pedagogue.

If he thinks a thing good enough to print, let him print it honestly as
it was made; if not, let him return it with thanks and encourage the
author to send it somewhere else. That author, if he is worth his Attic
salt, would rather have his verses printed in the Podunk _Thinker_ as he
wrote them than in the _Century_ with R. W. Gilder’s emendations.

                                                              NEITH BOYCE.




THE MODEL OF A STATESMAN.


When Abiel Whitworth went to the assessor’s office to get fifty per cent.
taken from the taxable value of his house and lot, he stepped jauntily
into the room. Then he shuddered. “I want to see the assessor,” he
faltered.

Now, the man who had lifted his head when he stepped on the rug before
the official desk filled him with a vague alarm. He was of only medium
size, not well put together: he had a curling black mustache, a heavy,
monkey-like face, a miraculously clean shave, a political diamond in his
shirt, new clothes and an air of brutal leisure that reminded one of a
sphinx, or an alderman. But it was the shining, glassy, far seeing eye,
with its lashes turned back, that startled Mr. Whitworth. It was so cold,
so empty of expression, so thoroughly uncanny, that it scared him. After
a long, searching look, in which he did not seem to breathe, the assessor
bent his head and resumed the study of a paper that lay on the desk
before him.

Mr. Whitworth waited; a clock ticked and buzzed somewhere in the room,
emphasizing the silence: then he gulped and repeated, “I want to see Mr.
Flannery, the assessor.”

Some seconds elapsed this time before the man at the desk raised his head
again and transfixed him with another stare: then he resumed his reading.
The man was wrong, in some way. Was he mad? He might be a vampire, or
a ghoul, for he did not look or act like a human being. Mr. Whitworth
became quite chilly in his blood.

“I don’t believe I want to see the assessor,” he said, huskily, and was
about to turn away and run, when a solitary clerk, who had been toiling
over a ledger in the back of the room, hastened forward and said, “Beg
pardon, sir, but I was in the middle of a calculation and wanted to
finish it. Can I do anything for you?”

“I wanted to see Mr. Flannery.”

“This represents Mr. Flannery,” said the clerk, “and represents him
remarkably well, in more than one way. He is, if I may so call him, the
official Mr. Flannery.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I dare say not. We don’t let everybody know about it.” And, calmly
lifting Mr. Flannery’s head from his shoulders, the clerk reached down
his neck and adjusted something inside of him. The sound of the clock
stopped, and Mr. Flannery did not lift his head again after it was
replaced.

Mr. Whitworth gasped.

“You see, sir,” added the clerk, “Mr. Flannery was appointed by Mayor
Rourke, at the request of Boss McManus. It was supposed that he could
read and write, for he has been quite successful in managing primary
elections, and has made a good lot of money in the saloon business. But
he can’t read and he is busy, so what was the use in his coming to the
office? He had this wax figure of himself made to sit at this desk,
and there is a spring attachment that works whenever anyone stands on
that rug. The figure, you see, lifts its head once in twenty seconds,
and that is all that Flannery does when he is here. The taxpayers have
been kicking so hard about absentees that the boss and others have been
stirring the office holders up and Flannery thinks it’s only right
to make this much of a concession. Very few find out that it is not
Flannery, except that he swears more. If you want to see the sure enough
Flannery go down to his saloon on Columbus avenue. He comes here every
second Saturday—he is very good about that—to get his pay.”

“Seems to me you are giving him away pretty freely.”

“Well, to tell the truth, I’m hoping to get his job myself, under the new
mayor.”

       *       *       *       *       *

In which Narrative an Allegory may perhaps be discovered without a
Powerful Mind or a Microscope.

                                                       CHARLES M. SKINNER.




SIDE TALKS WITH THE PHILISTINES.


The drama is queer. Life’s queer, for that matter, but queerness does
most abound when Mr. Mansfield gives up elevating the stage and begins
hoisting the lecture platform—or doesn’t, whichever is the latest
news. Mansfield can earn some hundreds a week acting; wants to make it
thousands, managing; fails, naturally, not having a spreadeagle mustache
and sufficient capacity for the tender passion; abuses people for not
supporting Art. Mansfield reminds the irreverent reader of Jno. Glimmer
Screed, bewailing in the _Forum_ that he can only make five thousand
dollars a year by his puissant pen and that his children must eat
breadless butter or butterless bread, or other incomplete dietary, and
live in a flat. These considerations suggest a legislative enactment
of the “be and hereby is” sort, assessing upon the taxpayers the cost
of paying fifty thousand dollars a year each to all people who are so
lacking in the sense of humor as to suppose it makes any difference
whether they eat bread or snow.

       *       *       *       *       *

The drama isn’t queerer than literature. Laureate Austin, mere mention of
whose name has been known to split a horse’s sides, dedicates _England’s
Darling_ to the Princess of Wales by permission. No knowing whether the
darling is the Princess or the Laureate without reading the verses, and
that’s too much trouble.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. Moulting Storrs Bigelow has lost the tail feathers of his prestige
in the insurance business, which than his requires cheek even more
adamantine.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. Richard Harding Davis is being congratulated upon his “manly
words about the Monroe doctrine,” wherewith the fifteen dollar a week
hired-man-of-intellect in the Harper factory saved his fifteen thousand
dollars a year article upon Venezuela from being quite so idiotic as it
might have been. Dr. Conan Doyle prescribes peace with Great Britain to
Uncle Sam, with a canny view to the sale of sedative Tales, uninterrupted
by blockades. B’rer Crockett also loves the Americans. So does Sarah
Grand. So would Screed and Beau Brummell Mansfield, if——

       *       *       *       *       *

The way to get rich is to sell paper, not like the newspaper publisher,
who sometimes makes a hit buying tree paper at two cents a pound and
selling it at the rate of one hundred fakes for five cents; that’s an
uncertain business and requires a disciplined conscience, not to speak
of capital, which is more rare. No, sell paper of the kind recommended
by the Bucyrus _Authors’ Journal_ or the Dutch Flats _Cable Railway to
Parnassus_. Here is the whole snap:

1. PERSONAL INTELLIGENCE: “Du Maurier is to receive fifty thousand
dollars and a paid up accident policy for _The Martian_.”

2. HELPS FOR YOUNG AUTHORS: “Write only on one side of the paper. Use
good cream paper, unruled, seven by ten. Mr. Gilder always writes his
sonnets with violet ink. Keep a written record of all manuscripts sent
out, etc.”

3. ADVERTISEMENTS.

    +---------------------------------------------+
    |               JONES & BROWN,                |
    |  WRITERS SUPPLIES,                          |
    |             VIOLET, RED AND BLACK INKS.     |
    |                                             |
    | Paper, cream and white, 7×10, and other     |
    | standard sizes. Manuscript records, rulers, |
    | pens, etc. Send for catalogue.              |
    |         Mail Orders Promptly Filled.        |
    +---------------------------------------------+

Wherefore hath Mr. Screed written himself down an ass. Yea, a wild ass.
If he values money more than doing what he wants to do, let him sell
seven by ten paper, violet ink and manuscript records, and let us have
Peace.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. Sothern makes an announcement. For production next year he has
accepted _An Enemy to the King_, and thus tosses into the arena Mr. R.
N. Stephens, of Philadelphia, who made the play. Mr. Stephens has a
past. Having endured for some years as a dramatic editor the honeyed
wheedlings of theatrical advance agents, he crouched for a spring last
year while painstaking audiences beheld his dramatic works, _The White
Rat_, _The Sidewalks of New York_, _Girl Wanted_ and others, and then
he began working out swift and cosmopolitan vengeance as an agent on all
the remaining dramatic editors. One afternoon before that, however, Mr.
George Marion, the veteran though happy stage director for Messrs. Davis
and Keogh, contractors, sat in their Herald Square Factory smoking the
most dynamic cigar ever taxed.

“What are you doing, George?” piped a voice.

“Oh, I’m not very busy,” replied Mr. Marion, apprehensively.

“Well, you go over to Pittsburg and tell John Kernell we’ll have a new
play ready for him tomorrow;” and turning around, the voice, though
twisted, remarked, “Stevens, you write Kernell a play and send it to him
tonight. Call it _The Irish Alderman_.”

Mr. Stephens has written eighty plays in a single week. His nights he
spends with Sherlock Holmes, and in his dreams he converses with the
White Robed Mahatmas. His brain food is scrapple, and he draws his
strength from Johann Malt’s street car poster. Mr. Sothern’s courage must
proceed from the gods.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. Daniel Frohman, the theatrical manager, to distinguish himself from
whom Mr. Charles Frohman bills his name with an emphatic score under the
“Charles,” has achieved for the drama something dignified enough to be
called an episode. He saw what Mr. Beerbohm Tree, Mr. George Alexander,
Mr. Richard Mansfield and others denied—that Mr. Anthony Hope’s novel,
_The Prisoner of Zenda_, needed very little mending to make a play of
the first class. For this lonely act Mr. Frohman richly deserves a
monument in Fourth avenue opposite his templar Lyceum. A Daniel certainly
came to judgment. _Zenda_ on the stage is great. Mr. Edward Rose, who
made the play, has not attempted to clear up the moats and castles
and bridges, which in an infantry novel I never could understand, but
he has made very human beings and used a precious lot of Mr. Hope’s
dialogue. _Zenda_ has a bad ending. There is no question about that. I
can just imagine my friend, Mr. Adv. W. Bok, sitting through the martyr
separation of Rassendyll and Flavia and scuffling away thinking “Ugh,
how mean!” People that croak over Mercutio’s untimely taking off are of
the same ilk; and they wish _A Tale of Two Cities_ ended happily. Mean,
are these nobilities. Rupert in the play, scornful-merry, thinks it is
the meanest ending possible; and chained he goes laughing away, taunting
Rassendyll with being the biggest of fools for giving up love and a
kingdom for honor’s sake. Fritz thinks not, though. Manfully he strides
up to Rassendyll, a great chunk of grief on his palate, and taking the
unwounded hand, shakes it fiercely and silently, as if his allegiance
were bound with that clasp, and when he let go he would be a traitor
forever. And when he goes away, old Sapt comes; and he thinks not, like
Fritz. He grips the “lad’s” hand while a tear falls on the bloody bandage
Rassendyll wears, and a magnet somewhere somehow snaps his loyal old
knee to the floor in reverence for this “lad” that ought to be king if
he isn’t. Flavia? She thinks not, too. She is not to die, like Camille,
but is doomed to a more horrible tragedy: she must live on. She speaks
the brave, spirit-crushing word that decrees the parting, and Rassendyll
goes away, too. The red badge of courage is on his rag-slung arm, and
there is a royal Vestal flame in his agonizing heart. “Is love the only
thing?” The tear-blinded eyes of many a spectator of Mr. Sothern and Miss
Kimball’s sweet and pathetic performance testify that the average man or
woman thinks, yes. I don’t know.

       *       *       *       *       *

In a late number of the Paris edition of the New York _Herald_ I find
this: “According to the new etymology a Philistine is one who believes
in health, good cheer and manly self reliance as opposed to languid,
mawkish sentimentality—that sure breeder of refined vice and degeneracy.”
I really could not put the matter better than this myself.

       *       *       *       *       *

My, My, My! but the “Note” that took the Five Dollar Prize was rotten!

       *       *       *       *       *

In the American reprint of “Without Prejudice” sixty errors occur; the
proof reading was left to Miss Mayme, who came up from the bindery: the
Only Lynx-Eyed being on a journey.

       *       *       *       *       *

My correspondents still continue to chew about the statement that this
world is Hell and we are now being punished for sins committed in a
former life. One woman writes me that if this world is surely Hell then
there must be many devils here. “This being so, who are they?” she asks.
I can only answer this in the words of a great poet who on being asked
who the Decadents were, replied testily: “The others—always the others.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The reason that it is called “Children’s Department” is because it is
conducted by papa’s little boy.

       *       *       *       *       *

I call the attention of Gunner Antonio Kumstalk to the fact that while
the _Youth’s Companion_ and the _Ladies’ Boklet_ furnish the pictures for
Art and Underwear, the Boston _Commonwealth_ still supplies the text.

       *       *       *       *       *

Law is now being successfully taught by correspondence. In fact the most
brilliant legal lights of the future will probably be men who never went
to school a day in their lives—simply hit the principles of Blackstone
by correspondence while working on a farm. Journalism, too, is taught by
correspondence and also in night schools. Twenty first-class lessons can
be had for five dollars, with promise of position as Managing Editor to
all who run the course and are glorified—that is graduated.

       *       *       *       *       *

I am informed that the reason young Mr. Bumball of Chicago is often
spoken of by his father as Issachar is fully explained in verse 14 of
Chapter xlix of Genesis.

       *       *       *       *       *

My good friend Walter Hippeau Merriam writes me from New York: “As a
Philistine in good standing, with dues paid to 1901, I wish to exert my
prerogative to protest. In your February issue you allow Mr. Macpherson
Wiltbank to put forth some very startling “facts” concerning a musician
named Chopin. The musician was not fertile enough in matters of revenge
to ever originate that story of _The Little White Black Bird_. It was the
work of an obscure poet named De Musset and can be found in his _Contes_,
(Charpentier Librarie Editeur, 39 Rue de l’Universite, Paris, 1854.) If
the Datary has not fined Mr. Wiltbank twenty-five skekels for trifling
with truth, please see that it is done at once.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The _New Cycle_ has changed its name. Being essentially feminine, and
this being leap year beside, of course it had a perfect right to do
so. The move I understand was made to circumvent the joker who had a
way of saying _Wheels_. Neith Boyce did not like this, for she said
it was twitting on facts. She even threatened to resign if the name
was not changed and a prettier cover used. The manager swore he would
never be dictated by a woman, and swearing he would never consent,
consented—changing the name (but not its nature) and getting that pretty
cover. Phosphorus in editorial rooms is at a premium, and _The Lotos_
(that’s the new name) cannot afford to lose Neith Boyce.

       *       *       *       *       *

_The Cosmopolitan_ (not the magazine composed merely of printers’ ink)
contains on page 425 of its February, 1896, issue a poem (?) by one
Gustav Kobbe, entitled _Obediah Folger_. In _Hundred Choice Selections_,
1872, No. 5, under the title _The Nantucket Skipper_, and in _American
Union Speaker_, 1865, as _The Alarmed Skipper_, is the identical story
now published by John Brisben Walker as something new! Nothing about it
is new except the word combinations. The only possible excuse that I can
see is that both the plagiarist-author and his publisher have never been
in Boston and never heard of that eminent author and publisher, James T.
Fields, (1817-1881), who composed the first poem on this idea.

       *       *       *       *       *

It was well enough for Shakespeare to ask “What’s in a name?” seeing that
he never realized what his own would stand for in the scroll of time;
but do our modern writers who are not satisfied with one, but insist on
forcing three and sometimes more names apiece upon public observation,
take the same modest view of the significance of a cognomen? Not when
there are three or more together, evidently. In short, and let us
remember that “brevity is the soul of wit,” the natural inference is that
they hold their signature as of more consequence than the screed that
follows it. And perhaps they are right in this, though in some cases that
is only a left-handed compliment.

       *       *       *       *       *

The Revolutionary condition of Literature in America: Old Men sitting in
shade on door steps; sometime smoking, always talking: of paper battles
won in many magazines; of thrusts with pen; parries with pencil; ink
bespattered veterans o’ercome, all in wordy warfare; of merry meetings
turned to stern alarums; a so-long manuscript at so-much a page. Then
Boys come by detached from Philistinic Hosts: make mud balls; revile;
jeer; hiding behind bibelots. These two Factions, the Old and Young; the
Senile and the Callow, the Wornout and the Willing: this is all there
is to Literature in America. So saith that paper which with rare satire
calls itself _Truth_.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. John Langdon Heaton, who writes good poetry (and bad), suggests that
the use of the fig leaf in these notes is “indelicate.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Backed by the sanity of keen observation and good sense, the stories of
“Octave Thanet” come out of the West like young Lochinvar. Recently from
Miss French came a note of commendation enclosing the first stanza of a
Philistine Hymn. Hearing that great things are in the air, I hasten to
print these lines lest they be grabbed by greedy publishers:

    I’m glad I am a Philistine,
      I wouldn’t be no other,
    For half the Art that poses now
      Is nerves and mud and
                Bother!

    I like a clean and decent tale
      About a friend and brother.
    Neurotic dames and wandering flames
      If I can skip,
                I ’druther.

    I’m glad, etc., etc.

       *       *       *       *       *

The esteemed _Whims_ of New York begins a new series. It will be followed
rapidly by _Jims_, _Skims_, _Limbs_ and _Pims_. We already have had
_Chips_, _Dips_, _Skips_ and _Pips_. I learn that Grandmother _Chip-Munk_
is exceedingly proud of her interesting brood and is still laying eggs.

       *       *       *       *       *

And the flood continues. I wonder what the definite aim of all the
periodicals may be? At any rate I wish them all success, and hope they
may “try to do which,” as the French say, “is that which it is that which
it is what.” High aims are good things, we are told, and doubtless, like
the mariners, we should steer our courses by the stars. Still there is
good game which lies close to the earth if we knew how to hunt for it—and
there’s the fun of hunting anyway, game or not.

       *       *       *       *       *

Colonel Frank L. Stanton, able poet, of Atlanta, Georgia, is whirling his
wheels too rapidly. Seventeen yards of poetry a day, seven days in the
week, is too much for all concerned. The Colonel started with foam, and
already is running to emptyings, namely:

      Sleep, my little curl-head, sleep!
      Here beside your nest I keep.
    Mother’s hung your Christmas stocking,
    Mother’s hand your cradle’s rocking—
      Sleep, my little curl-head, sleep!

The office boy can rhyme you in that style till the cows come home.




Little Journeys

SERIES FOR 1896

Little Journeys to the Homes of American Authors.


The papers below specified were, with the exception of that contributed
by the editor, Mr. Hubbard, originally issued by the late G. P. Putnam,
in 1853, in a book entitled _Homes of American Authors_. It is now
nearly half a century since this series (which won for itself at the
time a very noteworthy prestige) was brought before the public; and the
present publishers feel that no apology is needed in presenting to a new
generation of American readers papers of such distinctive biographical
interest and literary value.

    No. 1, Emerson, by Geo. W. Curtis.
     ”  2, Bryant, by Caroline M. Kirkland.
     ”  3, Prescott, by Geo. S. Hillard.
     ”  4, Lowell, by Charles F. Briggs.
     ”  5, Simms, by Wm. Cullen Bryant.
     ”  6, Walt Whitman, by Elbert Hubbard.
     ”  7, Hawthorne, by Geo. Wm. Curtis.
     ”  8, Audubon, by Parke Godwin.
     ”  9, Irving, by H. T. Tuckerman.
     ” 10, Longfellow, by Geo. Wm. Curtis.
     ” 11, Everett, by Geo. S. Hillard.
     ” 12, Bancroft, by Geo. W. Greene.

The above papers will form the series of _Little Journeys_ for the year
1896.

They will be issued monthly, beginning January, 1896, in the same general
style as the series of 1895, at 50 cents a year, and single copies will
be sold for 5 cents, postage paid.

                           G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS,
                           NEW YORK AND LONDON




THE CONSERVATOR


Printed Monthly in Philadelphia.

HORACE L. TRAUBEL, Editor.

ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION PRICE ONE DOLLAR.

All communications intended for the Editor should be addressed to HORACE
L. TRAUBEL, CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY.

The attention of persons interested in Walt Whitman is directed to _The
Conservator_, in which, along with the presentation of other views,
affecting freedom, democracy, ethics, solidarity, there appear special
studies treating of the significance of Walt Whitman’s appearance in
history, written in part by men whose personal relations to Whitman,
often whose genius, give their utterances great importance and offer
special reasons why readers of books and lovers of man cannot afford to
ignore or neglect their contributions.

Grouped here following are some names of recent writers aiding in this
synthesis.

    John Burroughs,
    Richard Maurice Bucke,
    Oscar Lovell Triggs,
    Hamlin Garland,
    Daniel G. Brinton,
    Thomas B. Harned,
    Kelley Miller,
    Isaac Hull Platt,
    Miss Charlotte Porter,
    Miss Helen A. Clarke,
    Miss Helena Born,
    Edward Payson Jackson,
    Edgar Fawcett,
    Laurens Maynard,
    Francis Howard Williams,
    William Sloane Kennedy,
    John Herbert Clifford,
    Wayland Hyatt Smith,
    Horace L. Traubel.




THE AMERICAN.

The Leading Exponent of Bimetallism and Protection in the United States.


A national weekly journal, Truthful, Fearless and Aggressive in the
discussion of Public Affairs and other events of general interest, in
which those who are literary, as well as those who desire to be fully
informed on current events of Public Importance will find what they want.

                                                   WHARTON BARKER, Editor.

_The American_ is fighting the battle of the masses against those who
would fix the gold standard permanently upon the country; holding that
the supreme duty of the American People is to conserve, protect and
fortify the interests of the United States. $2.00 per annum. Sample
copies free.

$3.00 for $2.00.

JUST THINK OF IT! For $2, the regular price of subscription, we will send
_The American_ and any one of these well-known periodicals:

    To Date.
    Munsey’s.
    Cosmopolitan.
    The Black Cat.
    McClure’s.
    Peterson’s.
    Book Buyer.
    Godey’s.
    Romance.
    American Sentinel.
    Farm Journal.
    American Agriculturist.
    Rural New Yorker.
    Art in Advertising.
    Ladies’ Home Journal.
    Sunday School Times.
    American Gardening.
    National Temperance Advocate.
    American Woman’s Magazine.

The name of the subscriber must be one not now on our list. Mention this
advertisement.

                              THE AMERICAN,
                 No. 119 SOUTH FOURTH St., PHILADELPHIA.




52 CENTS FOR 52 NUMBERS FOR 52 WEEKS.

_FOOTLIGHTS_,


that weekly illustrated paper published in Philadelphia, (pity, isn’t
it?) is a clean (moderately so) paper, chock full of such uninteresting
topics as interviews with actor and actress (bless ’em); book gossip,
news from Paris and London, (dear, old Lunnon), woman’s chatter, verse
and lots more of idiocy that only spoils white paper. It sells for five
cents a copy, or $2.00 a year. It has a big circulation (and that’s no
joke) and to make that circulation bigger yet we will mail you the paper
for the cost of postage—52 cents for 52 numbers for 52 weeks. Send the 52
any old way you want, but for Heaven’s sake address your letter right, so
no other paper gets it but

                               FOOTLIGHTS,
                            Philadelphia, Pa.




The Roycroft Printing Shop announces for immediate delivery an exquisite
edition of the Song of Songs: which is Solomon’s; being a Reprint of the
text together with a Study by Mr. Elbert Hubbard.

In this edition a most peculiar and pleasant effect is wrought by casting
the Song into dramatic form. The Study is sincere, but not serious, and
has been declared by several Learned Persons, to whom the proofsheets
have been submitted, to be a Work of Art. The Volume is thought a seemly
and precious gift from any Wife to any Husband.

The book is printed by hand, with rubrications and a specially designed
title page after the manner of the Venetian, on Ruisdael handmade paper.
The type was cast to the order of the Roycroft Shop, and is cut after one
of the earliest Roman faces. Probably no more beautiful type for book
printing was ever made, and for reasons known to lovers of books, this
publication will mark an era in the art of printing in America.

_Only six hundred copies, bound in antique boards, have been made and
are offered for sale at two dollars each, net. There are also twelve
copies printed on Japan vellum throughout, but which are all sold at five
dollars each. Every copy is numbered and signed by Mr. Hubbard. The type
has been distributed and no further edition will be printed._

                        THE ROYCROFT PRINTING SHOP
                          East Aurora, New York.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

Although Mr. Gladstone is a very busy man he has found time to write me
with his own hand saying that the PHILISTINE has supplied him several
quiet smiles.