THE GREAT INQUIRY.


With the good taste that characterises our political life (how
different from the howling bear-gardens of the Continent!), these
minutes were officially communicated, as they appeared, to the
_Speaker_, from whose pages they are now collected in this the


ONLY, FINAL, AND AUTHORISED EDITION.




_Letter from Mr. Chamberlain._


[Illustration]

  BLENHEIM =PALACE=,
  WOODSTOCK,
  _Feast of the Assumption, 1903_.

_Sir,_

_I am instructed by the Secretary of State for the Colonies to
acknowledge the receipt of your letter and of the enclosed report. He
desires me particularly to thank you for Mr. Vince’s pamphlet. He has
not yet heard of Mr. Vince, but is bound to express his admiration for
his lucid and patriotic argument._

_Pray note that the Secretary of State for the Colonies will reply
(through me) to all further communications as to “A Working-man
correspondent:” a long political career has convinced him, etc._

  _Believe me,_
  _Your obedient and humble Servant,_
  _BALLYCANNON._


BRITONS!

LOOK ON THIS PICTURE

[Illustration: “I AM LEAN AND LIVELY.”]

AND ON THIS.

[Illustration: “I AM TOO FAT.”]


THE GREAT INQUIRY

(ONLY AUTHORISED VERSION)

FAITHFULLY REPORTED

By H. B.

REPORTER TO THE COMMITTEE,

AND ORNAMENTED WITH SHARP CUTS DRAWN ON THE SPOT

By G. K. C.

DUCKWORTH & CO.,

3 HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN, W.C.




OFFICIAL RECORD OF THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE GREAT INQUIRY,

WITH ITS CONCLUSIONS, MAJORITY AND MINORITY REPORT, ETC.

_Printed by Order of the Committee._


Your Inquiring Body, or Commission of Inquest, has been formed of a
section of the Cabinet, with power to add to their number.

Of this power they have availed themselves sparingly and judiciously,
as the following list will show:

  THE LORD PRIVY SEAL.
  MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P.
  THE PRIME MINISTER.
  HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.
  HIS EXCELLENCY THE MARQUESS OF LANSDOWNE.
  MR. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN.
  MR. GERALD BALFOUR.
  THE COLONIAL SECRETARY.
  THE UNDER SECRETARY FOR THE COLONIES.
  HIS MAJESTY’S SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS.
  THE POSTMASTER-GENERAL.
          and
  MR. BALFOUR himself.

These gentlemen, your Committee, having been sworn, in the Scotch
manner, “that they would well and truly bolt out the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, such as would profit and serve this
Our realm of England, the Channel Islands, and all Our dominions beyond
the seas, so help them God,” the proceedings opened by a prayer that
the wisdom of this world might be turned into foolishness, and that the
false pride of Reason might be humbled, and the insolence of
philosophers confounded.

Upon which was called Mr. BAINES, of Middlesbrough, a
gentlemanly-looking person, who deposed that:

The country was upon the verge of ruin. In the iron trade, competition
with America, and latterly with Belgium and Germany, had been felt very
severely. Mrs. Baines and self had passed through many anxious moments
since 1892. The extravagance of their eldest son William at the
University, which, under normal circumstances, would have caused them
no uneasiness, had driven them almost distracted and had led to a most
regrettable coolness between parent and child. For the last eight years
he had found it impossible to spend more than one month, or at the most
six weeks, in London during the season, and that in a hired house. In
the worst year, 1897, Mrs. Baines had been compelled to take lodgings.
It was only by an unstinted and harassing attention to detail that the
business had been kept going. His hair, which twenty years ago had been
of a rich nut-brown colour, was now quite grey, and growing very thin
and patchy.

[Illustration: “_A gentlemanly-looking person._”]

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR, who had followed the business side of the argument
very closely, here asked what remedy Mr. Baines proposed for this state
of things?

Mr. BAINES replied that there seemed to be but two courses to follow.
The best way would be for the Government to pay him quarterly not less
than 25_s._ for every ton of pig-iron he might manufacture. If, for
party reasons, it was impossible to grant him such a sum, the second
course would be to impose a duty on all other iron which would raise
his, Mr. Baines’, iron by a similar amount.

Asked by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN whether it was his opinion that the wages of
his hands would rise under such a system, Mr. Baines looked a trifle
puzzled, and confessed that he did not understand the drift of the
question.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_smiling pleasantly_): “I will put my question in
another form. Would you offer your employés a portion of the profit so
acquired?”

Mr. BAINES (_bewildered_): “Why should I?”

The POSTMASTER-GENERAL: “Let me tackle him, father....” (_To Mr.
Baines_): “I take it all your men have a vote?”

Mr. BAINES: “Yes, all except Ben Gailey, who did time for ghurling.”

[Illustration: “_What is ghurling?_”]

Mr. BALFOUR (_with great interest_): “What is ghurling?”

The POSTMASTER-GENERAL (_hurriedly_): “That’s all right. Well, now, the
question is this: if we give you £1 down for every ton of pig iron you
shove on the market, and we make it a condition that you pay at least
5_s._ of it in extra wages, will you clinch?”

Mr. BAINES: “Like a nut!”

The witness, who was complimented by Lord Lansdowne on the manly and
straightforward way in which he had given his evidence, then stood
down.

Mr. HARRY GIBBS, farmer of Goudhurst, questioned upon Hops, said that
W’ops were in a turrible bad way, and all. He knew his own mind. He was
a practical man. He said: “Let the Government prohibit all foreign
W’ops, Sussex and all, and let brewers have a law, and let ’un buy
Kentish W’ops. There was old Sir Charles Gorle, there was, member of
Parliament and all, and he knew for certain as that old man in his
brewery never bought none but Sussex, and he’d have a law....”

[Illustration]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_sternly_): “Stand down.”

WITNESS (_loudly_): “Ar! I’m a plain man and not to be druv, and I tell
you....”

Lord LANSDOWNE: “Stand down, sir!”

WITNESS (_more loudly_): “I tell you if you let these dang Sussex
W’ops....”

The whole Committee here rose and in chorus ordered the witness to
stand down.

WITNESS: “You hear me! These Sussex W’ops, they have the vly; they
aren’t....”

The police here removed the witness, who struggled violently, shaking
his fist over his shoulder, and shouting:

“Ar, it’s stan’ down naow!... You wait till t’election.... Ar. You see
which way I voät then.... Ar!”

Similar cries were heard in the passage without, until his voice was
lost in the distance, or was perhaps gagged by the police.

This unpleasant scene was succeeded by the testimony of a very
different witness, Lord RENTON, who was of opinion that the good money
should be kept in the country.... He, for his part, could see no kind
of reason why we should buy from abroad what we could very well make
for ourselves.... He was interested in butter.... He believed that the
preservation of eggs was only a matter of time.

At this moment, Mr. Balfour observing that the Committee had sat for
full twenty minutes, the inquiry was adjourned. Mr. Chamberlain went
out with Lord Renton, and partook of his motor-car, as he was stopping
with His Lordship from Saturday to Monday.




THE DRAIN OF GOLD.


At the second weekly meeting of the Cabinet Committee of Inquiry into
our Fiscal System, Lord HALSBURY joined the Committee.

Mr. MANNING, of East Ham, whose striking pamphlets, _What We Really
Eat_ and _Not by Bread Alone_, have brought him well-deserved fame, was
asked to join, but declined on the ground of party loyalty.

[Illustration: “_Mr. Manning, of East Ham._”]

The DUKE OF SUTHERLAND, who had also been invited to sit, had
instructed his private secretary to write to the same effect,
expressing an ardent sympathy with the objects of the Committee, but
recalling the great part he had played in Liberal politics for many
years, and pointing out that he could better serve the cause by
remaining attached to a party which he hoped to leaven by his example
and oratory.

Mr. BENJAMIN KIDD, the first witness, deposed on oath that he was a
philosopher. He begged leave to give his testimony in metaphysical
language, as he could speak no other. After some consultation leave was
granted, and the sworn interpreter at Scotland Yard was summoned by
telephone.

[Illustration: “_The Official Interpreter._”]

Thus relieved, the witness swore that the synthesis of an
agglomeration, real or imaginary--in plain words, of all thinkable
congeries--was informed by an appreciation of its organic or inorganic
character. He was far from saying that the organic and inorganic were
separated by any hard and fast line, but he did maintain----

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: I think that point is clear.

Mr. BENJAMIN KIDD, continuing, deposed that a political entity was
emphatically of the former kind as to its consciousness. And without
consciousness where were they? He then maintained it demonstrable
beyond argument that all truisms, including altruism, lead to one
central principle, namely, that in all inequalities differences
appeared, for if they did not, then where were they? Applying this
primordial and cosmic truth to the particular region of international
exchange, he could but conclude that _all material increment_ of res
mercatoriæ _must and did connote diminution of_ eorundem facilitas _and
vice versâ_.

The witness here sat down, and the interpreter, who had been taking
notes, declared in a loud voice that Mr. Kidd’s speech meant, in
English, that the excess of imports was paid for in gold. (_Murmurs of
applause._)

The LORD CHANCELLOR (_emphatically_): I always said it!

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_triumphantly to Mr. Balfour_): What about Seddon
_now_?

Mr. BALFOUR (_in some confusion_): I never said anything against
Seddon, besides which, who knows but what Kidd--

_Here Mr. Kidd was observed to break down and sob bitterly; willing
hands supported him to the Carlton, where first aid to the wounded was
skilfully rendered by Doctor Sir Conan Doyle, V.C.... On recovering
consciousness he attributed his agony to severance from the Great
Liberal Party, of which he had so long been the most brilliant
ornament. The distinguished physician, who had himself suffered such
pangs, soothed him as best he could, and conveyed the news to the
Committee, who were profoundly moved._

[Illustration]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_solemnly_): If this man dies, the Opposition will
have a heavy weight upon its soul.

[_The Committee here murmured their approval, and the Inquiry
proceeded._]

Mr. BALFOUR: It is now our task, I think, to find by what issue the
gold escapes, and to stop the leak.

Mr. CHARLES GRIGGS (_expert_) deposed: That such a gold export would
require fifty-six vessels, each 500 ft. long by 45 broad with a draught
of 27 ft.

PETER GARRY (_Private Detective in the pay of the Birmingham Caucus_):
“I have watched all the ports, and can swear that no such vessel, let
alone fifty-six, has cleared with gold since July, 1902.”

In view of the difficulties raised by this witness, it was determined
to call further testimony:

PETER CALE (_porter_) deposed to hauling great sacks of something hard
and heavy on to the passenger boats at Dover last April. These sacks
might very well have contained gold. Cross-examined: They might have
contained almost anything else. They had no smell.

MARTHA QUINN (_labourer’s wife_) swore that she had often heard people,
especially her husband’s master, say that a power of money went abroad
to pay for foreign kickshaws. She herself had paid a considerable sum
last year for Norwegian matches, American tobacco, German sausage,
foreign tea, and all. Cross-examined as to where the tea came from, she
said, after some hesitation, that she thought it came from Lipton.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_sternly_): That is within this Empire.

MARTHA QUINN (_curtseying_) begged the pardon of the Court. She was
ordered to stand down.

Mr. THOMAS HEPTON, draper, of Regent Street, W., swore that he sold in
the past year some 50,000 or 60,000 cases of foreign woven stuffs,
every one of which had to be paid for. The profit only remained in
England.

Cross-examined: He did not himself pay for the goods in gold, but he
gave a cheque upon his bankers, who doubtless sent the money abroad in
packing cases, and all that went to the ---- foreigner.

Lord LANSDOWNE: Moderate your language.

Mr. HEPTON: I am sorry, my lord, but if you had sent case after case of
solid gold away to France week after week for ten years, you would feel
as I do.

Mr. HAYWOOD of Bicester, Mr. CALM of Stroud, Mr. MERRY of Lincoln, Mr.
BOWSE of Lichfield, Mr. HOPPER of Lancaster, Mr. GRAPE of Shrewsbury,
&c., bank managers, swore that their business consisted almost wholly
of handing out large masses of bullion daily to offensive people, many
of whom had the appearance of foreigners.

[Illustration: “_With the appearance of foreigners_”]

Lord HALSBURY: All this is hearsay evidence, and not worth the paper it
is written on.

During a short altercation between the legal and non-legal members of
the Committee, a person at the back of the room leapt to his feet and
demanded to be heard. He was permitted to speak, and deposed:

That he had been gathering statistics in the employment of a politician
whose name he must conceal.

Mr. BALFOUR: I am afraid we must have that name.

WITNESS: May I send it up on a piece of paper?

Lord HALSBURY: Is he a peer?

WITNESS: No, my lord.

Lord HALSBURY: Well, is he a person of importance?

WITNESS (_eagerly_): Oh! yes, my lord.

Lord HALSBURY (_after consulting his colleagues_): We do not think his
name material. Proceed.

WITNESS (_in an emphatic manner_): The facts I have to produce are
simple. They are well known. It is their meaning which has escaped the
public. When the meaning is grasped it will amply account for our great
annual loss of gold.

(_Here the Committee betrayed an interest bordering on frenzy, leaning
forward and fixing burning eyes on the witness, who continued_:)

“The number of passenger tickets taken at the ports of this country is
over 12 millions annually. (_Sensation._) Ships’ crews (excluding
coasters), fishermen running across to the continent, fugitive
criminals, and King’s messengers bring the number up to 18 millions.
(_Sensation._) Not one of these 18 millions leaves without a sum of
money ... many carry away immense sums ... our office can prove that
the very clergy in their annual excursions will carry 20, 30, nay, 100
pounds a family. (_Sensation._) How many return with any money at all?
(_Here the speaker made a dramatic pause._) ... I have little more to
add. The total sum so lost by innumerable outlets amounts certainly to
200, possibly to 230, million pounds. _England is a sieve._”

Witness here left the box, and the Committee rose in a state of
seething excitement, several of the more commonplace members repeating
mechanically, “_A sieve!_” “_A regular sieve!_” “_Poor old England is a
sieve!_”

Mr. Chamberlain looked radiant in a black frock coat and top hat, with
boots to match, and a flower of some kind in his buttonhole, while Mr.
Balfour was quite cheerful and vivacious. As the Court rose the opinion
was freely expressed that the day’s work has given the Cause a great
lift forward.




TECHNICAL INFORMATION.


The third meeting of the Grand Committee of Inquest, commissioned under
the Privy Seal of Great Britain and Ireland and the Dominions beyond
the Seas, met at Downing Street this week to further explore--we mean,
to explore further--the Fiscal Conditions of this Realm of England.

The late arrival of the members of the Committee gave rise to some
anxious talk in the passage which corresponds to the Lobby of the House
in Downing Street. The wildest rumours were afloat. Some said that Mr.
Chamberlain had resigned; others that he had committed suicide. The
more sober would have it that the inquest was indefinitely postponed,
and that the whole scheme for protecting or not protecting native
industries, or food, or what-not, as the Inquiry might or might not
have shown to be necessary, or unnecessary, or either, was to be
dropped. Among the adherents of the latter (or former) opinion were
several journalists, a bishop, four diplomats, and an economist.

All doubts were set at rest by the arrival at 3.35 or thereabouts of
the first members of the Committee and two members of the Birmingham
“gang.” Three-quarters of an hour later Mr. Balfour was towed up in his
motor-car, and the Court opened.

The business before the Court this morning was to receive the testimony
of some fifty-eight witnesses on the technical details of our chief
industries, and to hear their views on special points; especially on
the inroads made by foreign competition in matters of construction.

A definition having been asked of where “technical detail” began, the
Prime Minister refused to define the matter, but he ventured so far as
to ask a question--whether there were not foreigners in the habit of
substituting in small but essential parts of machinery patterns to
which we, being of a superior race, could not stoop without changing
the very conditions of our psychology? It was more or less upon these
lines (said the Prime Minister) that the questions--if they could be
called questions--were, so to speak, to proceed; and he hoped that the
answers they should receive, using the word “answers” in its most
general sense, would on the whole conform to some such conception of
the duties more or less before them. (_Applause._)

The first witness to be called was the _Times_ economist, who refused
to reveal his real name. Being threatened with the torture, he
confessed to several aliases. He admitted to having signed many letters
before this above the pseudonym of “_Verax_,” and, more lately, above
those of “_A Conservative Working-Man_” and “_A Disgusted Liberal_.” He
was not specially paid for these articles: it was all in the day’s
work.

[Illustration]

Cross-examined: He admitted to having written for the _Daily
Telegraph_; he was not “_Maude_” of _Chit-Chat_. Asked whether he were
the “_Revenue Officer_” of pious memory, he denied the imputation--or,
as he called it, the “soft impeachment”--with the utmost violence. He
also denied any connection, direct or indirect, with the “_Times_
Encyclopædia,” the “_Times_ System of Payment by Instalments,” the
“Parnell Letters,” the “Hawkesley Letters,” the “Jameson Raid,” the
“Argument upon the Mortality in the Concentration Camps,” the recent
“Roman Correspondence,” the _Times_ “Dramatic Criticism,” and “The
Industrial Freedom League,” and, indeed, everything else connected with
that journal. The witness here swore with some heat, the ingenuous
colour mounting to his cheeks, that he had never changed a date, nor
forged nor garbled a letter, nor taken South African shares, nor
suppressed evidence, nor done any of these things.

COUNSEL (_suavely_): My dear Mr. (I really do not know your name), when
has there been a bare suggestion of anything of the kind?

WITNESS (_hotly_): I could see very well where your questions were
driving.

When this little scene had come to an end, the witness proceeded to
give evidence that the great mass of imported manufactured goods were
loaded with damnable contraptions, with the undoubted object of
destroying our own industry, and of supplanting them by that of the
foreigner. He quoted statistics to show that the iron trade, the
textile trade of Lancashire, the plain chair and kitchen table trade of
High Wycombe, the boot, shoe, and slipper trade, the cork trade, the
shipbuilding trade, the glue and gum trade, the fishbone manure trade,
and the manufacture of cheese had declined during the last fifteen
years from 10 to 30 per cent. He ascribed this deplorable breakdown
partly to the ignorance of technical detail prevalent among
politicians, but more to the devilish contrivances which gave foreign
machinery a specious appearance of superiority to our own. He thought
it could be proved that no one of these trades would have declined or
disappeared had not Britain suffered from this most unjust and tricky
form of competition. He was confident of one thing--that unless the
greatest attention was given by the Committee to what he called
“Spade-work,” uninteresting but essential matters of fact, it was all
up with the Empire.

Mr. BALFOUR (_with some hesitation_): All this is mere assertion.

WITNESS (_calmly_): Upon assertion every great religion has been built.

Mr. BALFOUR (_seraphically_): You are quite right. I have always
maintained that the analytical function, and even the quasi-postulated
phenomena of the senses----

[Illustration: “_I have always maintained_”]

A VOICE: Shut up!

LORD LANSDOWNE (_smartly_): If any further expressions of private
opinion are delivered from the well of the Court, I, for one, shall
protest.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_to the unknown person_): Ked!

The Court then proceeded to call further witnesses.

Mr. HENDERSON, Gentleman-Agriculturalist, deposed that it was the habit
of foreigners, principally Frenchmen and Dutchmen, to arrive in his
district of Norfolk every summer with great masses of vegetables,
principally onions, which they had grown at least three weeks earlier
than they could honestly be produced. There was less infamy of this
kind in agriculture perhaps than in other trades--but it was there all
the same. The witness mentioned melons and giant earlies, and alluded
in passing to yellow kidneys, mammoths, Reading prides, and other
vegetables, in proof of his contention. But the chief example was
Hessian fly.

Cross-examined: Witness could not see what all this had to do with
machinery. Perhaps he had mistaken the day.... Anyhow he was a
practical man.

  (_Here followed a short and awkward pause._)

The witness then stood down with an inconclusive frown.

Mr. LUTWORTHY, of 236, Eton Square, and “The Knoll,” Birmingham,
deposed that for the last fifteen years German hardware of all kinds
had been flung at his head, and that it was not in human nature to
withstand it. To give an example. Iron king-bolts with flange
attachments selling in Newcastle at 35_s._ the imperial gross in 1897,
by discount, were rebated on the margin--(_here the Duke of Marlborough
started violently, recovered himself, gazed wildly at the witness, and
then began taking notes_)--on the margin, he repeated, at a cover of 10
to 8 according to the higgling of the market. In 1898 the margin had
risen to the minimum fifth, in spite of heavy buying from Russia. In
1899----

Lord HALSBURY: Was not that before the little trouble in South Africa?

Mr. LUTWORTHY: Yes, my lord, but it was late in the year. Towards
September _futures_ were quoted at less than the old “Charles Henry
Agreement” rate--excluding freights. In 1900----

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR (_anxiously_): Would you mind repeating that last
sentence?

Mr. LUTWORTHY (_pleasantly_): Let me make it perfectly clear. (_The
whole Committee here leant forward with the utmost attention._) Let us
suppose this (_taking up the Book on which he had been sworn_) to be a
king-bolt. Each king-bolt has at the centre what is known as a _flange
attachment_, as might be this. (_The witness then constructed a
complicated thing out of a piece of paper lying near, and stuck it all
round the Book._) Now, to attach the flange attachment so as to be
attachable and detachable, it is necessary to--(_here the witness
looked all round the table anxiously_)--Oh! yes. There; that will
do!--(_picking up a pencil_)--to affix either to it or to its bevel a
catch, as might be this pencil, so. (_The witness here suited the
action to the word._) Now, the Germans, instead of _that_, which is the
right way, they drop the counter, lift the main-ratch, and so get all
the head-gear into one piece. (_Here the witness paused with a set,
angry face; several people in the well of the Court cried “Shame!” and
Mr. Balfour’s hand trembled. Then Mr. Lutworthy added in a shaking
voice_): One can do nothing against that kind of hitting below the
belt.

[Illustration]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: And you took that lying down!

Mr. LUTWORTHY (_despairingly_): I had to. What could I do? If the bevel
had been galvanised or plated, or even treated with mercury in the
original patent, I might have shifted the catch myself. But as it
was--(_fiercely_)--Oh! how I have struggled!

Lord LANSDOWNE (_in a deep voice_): It is not for long!

The witness here stood down with a bowed head.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_briskly_): Next!

Sir CHARLES CASTLEGATE, introduced between two policemen, deposed that:
As the results of his bankruptcy were still at issue, he must speak
guardedly.

[Illustration: “_Between two policemen._”]

Lord HALSBURY (_sympathetically_): We quite understand, Sir Charles ...
pray continue.

Sir CHARLES (_hurriedly_): I have been concerned, as a company-promoter
and member of the Carlton Club, with gyroscopes, penny-in-the-slot
machines, atmospheric double-gear brakes, man-lifting kites, clenched
carrying chains, and many other labour-saving devices. I will deal
first with the auto-motor-sheaf-binder. It was originally all British.
(_At this point Mr. Balfour handed a note marked “Urgent” to a
messenger, who rushed from the room._) It was originally all British.
Now, what happened? I will make myself clear. In every sheaf-binding
machine the essential parts are a “binder” and a “clutch.” Now, the
binder is familiar to you all ... (_Here some clamour seemed to rise
from the street_) the clutch is more complicated. You must consider
these in the clutch. Either the pick and the main-nut or (which is much
the same) the spring, the oil-pan, and the “dagger.” I will draw a
rough sketch.... (_As the prisoner leant over the paper a loud cry of_
“FIRE!” _was raised without, several fire engines were heard ringing
their bells and shouting down Whitehall. Immediately afterwards a
four-inch stream of water burst into the room and played upon the
Court._

_The Committee rose in the utmost trepidation and alarm, and the whole
Court poured down the historic staircase. Several young gentlemen were
crushed, one beyond recovery, and a grave tragedy was only averted by
the presence of mind of Mr. Balfour and Mr. Chamberlain, who escaped
with dignity and composure by another entry, and so relieved the
pressure. Nevertheless, the fruits of the day were, it is feared,
wholly lost, and no conclusion was arrived at._)




DUMPING.


At the fourth meeting of the Cabinet Committee, appointed by its own
members, with right of co-option, to discover by what means our Fiscal
Relations--suitable, no doubt, for an earlier age--might be brought
into closer relation, or relations, with the modern, &c., &c.... All
the members arrived most punctually, several peers waiting outside in
the rain for some moments before the doors opened. (_Paragraph._)

When the Bench was seated, silence was imposed by the voice of a
herald, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rose:

He assured the Court he would detain them but a few moments. Lord Byron
had wittily said that still waters ran deep, and he, for his part,
after a long life spent in close, hard-headed bargaining, had noticed
that the less a man said, the more he was worth. It was a rule he
himself had always observed. In his conception of Empire, the silent
man, who never spoke, but _did_, should rule until he reached the sky.

(_Here Lord Lansdowne began muttering to himself, Lord Halsbury openly
pulled out his watch, Mr. Balfour shut his eyes and crossed his legs,
and the Duke of Marlborough said “Hear, hear!” in a subdued voice._)

Mr. Chamberlain, continuing in a manner which combined courtesy with
firmness, and which was emphasised by his favourite gesture, said that
he felt it his duty to mention two painful incidents. One was the
premature announcement in the _Daily Mail_ that he was backing down. He
had no intention of backing down till next February, and there was an
end of that. The second was the misadventure which had broken up last
week’s sitting. He alluded to the false alarm of fire, and especially
to the pouring of a four-inch stream of water into a building sacred to
his own immortal predecessor, Mr. Pitt, the father of Lord Chatham and
the Saviour of Europe--the man to whom we owed Gibraltar, and all that
Gibraltar stood for.

[Illustration: “_Courtesy and firmness_”]

Whoever gave that false alarm was unworthy of the name of Briton. A
pro-Boer newspaper had gone so far as to ascribe it to a conspiracy
against him among his own colleagues. (_Here Mr. Chamberlain looked
round, and was met by nervous laughter._) It was like a great deal else
that such people said; it was a lie.

He had now passed several years in close intimacy with them all, and he
could only say that a more honourable and courteous set of men he had
never dealt with. He was sure they would reciprocate the feeling.

He could safely say _this_: After visiting in all its extent the
majesty of the Empire, and returning to England, he could only ascribe
what had been done in his absence to the loyal support of the men
around him.

Mr. Chamberlain here sat down. He rose again, however, in a moment,
with the words, “I shall detain you but a very few minutes,” and some
time after closed an interesting and fruitful speech by saying that the
practice of “Dumping” was universally admitted, and that the business
before the Court that day would consist in hearing from witnesses the
form which the process took in various industries.

The first witness to be called was--

Mr. HENRY SALTER, manager of Messrs. Garrant and Schüler. He was
willing to turn King’s Evidence. (_Murmurs._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: I hope the witness will be heard with respect. He is
doing his duty, as did our brave allies on the veldt, and as did my old
friend Le Caron. (_To witness_) Mr. Salter, I am proud to shake you by
the hand. I wish I had known you in 1886. Such men are rare.

Witness, continuing, deposed that for no less than eight years past his
employers had given away their German bicycles free.

[_Sensation. A furious voice from the well of the court cried, “Let me
get at him!” and an Anglo-Saxon of huge stature was with difficulty
prevented from making an ugly rush. He turned out to be a patentee of
the old style of high bicycles, who had been ruined by the competition
of safeties._]

[Illustration: “_An Anglo-Saxon of huge stature_”]

Witness, further examined, estimated the total number of bicycles he
had thus offered free at a little over three millions.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_smiling_): Oh, come, Mr. Salter, come!

Mr. SALTER (_shuffling uneasily_): Business is business, my lord.
(_Loud laughter, in which Mr. Chamberlain joined._) There’s nothing to
laugh at. Every man must make the best of himself.

Lord LANSDOWNE: How were these bicycles bestowed? Did you ask people to
your country house, and give them by way of their private secretaries,
or did you forget to send in the bill?

Mr. SALTER: Neither, Sir Thomas; we put an advertisement in the papers,
saying, a “£12 bicycle given away free.”

Mr. BALFOUR (_with interest_): I have seen such advertisements, but I
never understood what they meant. The words alone seem to make no
sense.

Mr. SALTER (_eagerly_): They do, indeed, sir! All the competitors had
to do was to send 1_s._ 6_d._ in stamps, and to get orders for ten
other bicycles. (_A pause, after which the witness added, anxiously_)
Am I free now?

Mr. BALFOUR (_in confusion_): Yes--I suppose so--you may go.

Mr. SALTER: Yes. But I mean----They can’t do anything to me?

Lord HALSBURY (_peevishly_): No! no! no! My good man! All this is
privileged, of course.

[_The witness, heaving a deep sigh of relief, walked slowly and rather
insolently past two policemen, and sauntered into the street, where he
was at once arrested._]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_briskly_): That settles Bicycles. Now for Powder!
Next!

[_At the mention of “Powder” there stepped forward a most popular
gentleman, with whom all members of the Committee warmly shook hands._]

WITNESS, examined, swore that while his discovery was still in the
experimental stage, a hideous foreigner had appeared at his works, and
had proposed “a deal.” This foreigner produced a sample of Powder which
exploded practically at any moment the gunner might choose; at other
times--in magazines or manufactories--the Powder would not explode. It
kept in hot climates, and spread no disease aboard ship. It was
certainly a most remarkable product. The foreigner proposed that they
should furnish it to the Government as witness’s own, and share
profits. (_Indignation._)

Lord LANSDOWNE: And you refused?

WITNESS: Certainly I refused, Lansdowne! I was not given my monopoly to
let in foreign spies!

Mr. BALFOUR: We owe you a profound debt of gratitude!

WITNESS (_visibly affected_): Thank you, Arthur. I can only repay you
all by loyal service; and I think your kindness will be partly
justified when I tell you that I am within sight of producing powder
that explodes. Some has already gone off by accident in one of my sheds
and killed a German.

[Illustration]

[_Witness here shook hands again warmly all round and went out._]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Oil! Next!

Mr. ELIHU Z. KAPPER swore that he was an American. In 1872 he first
began to import mineral oil into this country. The people took kindly
to it, and used it in a thousand ways. By 1880 he was importing 50,000
gallons a year of it. Meanwhile he was chiselled out by Mr.
Rockefeller, and left to freeze. Mr. Rockefeller was a great man. He
(witness) had then turned his attention to the English field, and had
discovered vast lakes of oil in Devon, Norfolk, Denbigh, Cumberland,
and Rutland. He had floated ten companies.

Mr. BALFOUR (_aside_): Wasted capital!

WITNESS: They had all gone bankrupt, and their bankruptcy was
undoubtedly due to underselling from America. England had more
undeveloped oil than any other country in the world.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Now let me put you a practical question. If we
prohibited the import of foreign oil, could you float an eleventh
company?

Mr. KAPPER (_promptly_): I have an eleventh floated already,
Secretary--I could float a twelfth.

Witness was succeeded by young Mr. GARRY, of Steynton Hall, Rugby, who
swore that a foreigner, a Prince, had met him at the Savoy last June,
and had given him several articles of foreign manufacture--a cane, a
match-box, a dachshund, a wrist-watch, and a dozen of hock. In return
he had given nothing. He had lent the Prince sums of money on various
occasions, but it had all remained in the country.

The next witness was Lord RUSTINGTON. His lordship was visibly affected
by illness, and his face, framed by great whiskers, bore an anxious and
even irritable expression. He hobbled on a stick and said “thank you”
to an assistant who offered him a chair. He had received the summons.
He was willing to give evidence on dumping. It was a growing evil. At
first (in his case) tin cans, packing boxes, and paper were the only
things to complain of. Last year boots were found.

[Illustration]

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR (_puzzled_): How “found”?

WITNESS (_testily_): Please let me finish what I was going to say!...
Were found, I say, and occasionally empty bottles as well----

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: But, surely----

WITNESS (_angrily_): Will you let me finish a sentence? Empty bottles,
certainly, empty bottles. And this year it was awful. Old rakes, broken
wheels, heaps of filthy hats, baskets, and--it might seem
incredible--an old mowing-machine.

Cross-examined on the place of origin of these imports, witness said:
It was the gipsies. They always camped near that corner of the home
farm on the Pulboro’-road. They threw all sorts of things over the
hedge----

Mr. BALFOUR (_firmly_): There is some error. This can have nothing to
do with our inquiry. My dear Lord Rustentown----

WITNESS: Rustington!

[_At this point the Committee consulted. After a little whispering Mr.
Balfour explained with the utmost gentleness that there had been a
mistake. The summons should have been sent to Lord Rustentown, the
well-known ironfounder, money-lender, newspaper-proprietor, and
supporter of the Government. If any apology of his----_]

_Witness_ in a towering passion declared that the fault lay with this
Government and their accursed folly in flooding the country with new
peers and letting them take any accursed name they fancied. In the
course of his remarks witness struck his game foot with his stick, and
thereupon became so violent that he was compelled to retire.

There succeeded a dignified silence of some few minutes, at the close
of which Lord Halsbury said:

Lord HALSBURY: Humph!

His lordship then rose to his full height and strode solemnly out of
the room.

Mr. GERALD BALFOUR was the next to leave. He hurried through the door
without a word. The PRIME MINISTER followed him, talking to himself.

Lord LANSDOWNE smiled a little anxiously, looked right and left at his
colleagues, tapped on the table with his fingers, and then got up in
his turn and went out in a thoughtful manner.

Throughout this painful scene Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sat immovable, with a
fixed stare and with set lips. At last, in a tone of characteristic
energy and resource, he broke the silence with the cry of “_Next!_” But
in the universal uncertainty and alarm no one responded to the summons.

[Illustration]

The unnatural tension was relaxed by the abrupt departure of the three
remaining members of the Court, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN preceding his
father, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH following his chief.

As the audience dispersed, the gloomiest forebodings arose upon the
subject of the next sitting.




THE ANIMALS.


The fifth--and, in some respects, or, as Mr. Balfour has put it, “in
many ways,” the most important--meeting of the Cabinet Committee
appointed to Inquire upon the Causes of our National Decline, and to
suggest some Remedy Therefor, was held at Downing Street in the usual
place: the little room on the first floor to the left of the door.

The window, sketches of which have already appeared in the illustrated
papers, may be distinguished by the new and perfectly clean panes of
glass replacing those broken during the recent alarm of Fire.

A large crowd began to assemble at two o’clock outside the premises
wherein the tragedy was to take place, and it was with difficulty that
a number of policemen in plain clothes, but shod in the regulation
boots, kept a lane open through the anxious though good-natured
populace.

Mr. Chamberlain was the first to arrive, accompanied by the
Postmaster-General. They came on foot, faultlessly dressed and
apparently in the highest good humour.

Shortly afterwards the Duke of Marlborough appeared in the lowest good
humour; he was on horseback, and bore several very large volumes
precariously under one arm. The crowd waited in vain for the other
members of the Committee; they did not come.

Meanwhile it was explained to the Court within that the three members
present constituted a quorum, and the sitting was opened by

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN rising and saying he would detain them but a very few
moments. He pointed out that his opponents were perpetually harping
sordidly upon the mere economic evils which might follow the
introduction of Preferential Free Trade. To reply to these criticisms
might have baffled a man of less determination; he could not ask
volunteers to come forward and submit themselves to the test, and
his--he supposed he must call him his honourable--friend had refused to
lend the Boer Prisoners still (he was glad to say) in captivity. He had
surmounted those difficulties. He would call a number of living animals
upon whom the whole scheme, from the recent procedure in Parliament to
the effect of cheap tobacco upon the stomach, had been tried. (_To the
Door-keeper._) Let loose the----

The proceedings were here interrupted by Counsel for the Cobden Club,
who rose and said he had a “replevin et demurrer” to lay before the
Court. He believed such action to be cognisable under the writ “de
Hæretico Comburendo,” and submitted, in all respect, that it was
indictable by the Chartered Secretary of the S.P.C.F.C.H.H.[1] before
the Justices in Eyre or in Chambers.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, holding in his hand a little slip of paper, spoke in
his legal capacity as member of the Privy Council; still deciphering
the said slip, he pointed out that the jurisdiction of the Courts
Seizined was inferior to that of the Courts “En Plein” such as was this
Court. He was sure of his facts. He would allow no interruption,
contradiction, observation, Garrant in Warren or in Main, Bart,
Blaspheme or Marraeny, under pain of contempt. He trusted his learned
brother (turning to the Duke of Marlborough) would agree with him.

The Duke of MARLBOROUGH, rising with his hands clasped behind his back,
spoke in so low a tone that he could hardly be heard. He was understood
to say that it was all right.

Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, speaking _De Auctoritate Suâ_, said they had
heard the opinion of the greatest statesman and jurist in England, and
also of one who, as one of the highest members of the Highest Court in
the Realm--the House of Lords--was an unimpeachable authority.

The Court thus agreeing, Counsel for the Cobden Club was fined a
hundred pounds for contempt, and the Inquiry proceeded.

The first witness to be called was a HORSE.

As it was evidently impious to swear the animal, and impossible to take
his affirmation with hand lifted over the head in the Agnostic style,
he was allowed to pledge himself by proxy that he would do nothing for
the sake of gain, prejudice, hate, love, favour, or worldly advantage.

The TRAINER then explained that the horse would prove to demonstration
that muzzling produced no ill effect upon living creatures.

[Illustration]

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Have you tried the experiment upon Human Beings?

The TRAINER: No.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: No _what_?

The TRAINER: No, your worship.

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_sternly_): That is better.... (_Gently_) You have not
tried it upon Human Beings because you thought an experiment _in
corporis viro_ would suffice?

The TRAINER: ...? ...?

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_testily_): Do you hear me?

The TRAINER (_sulkily_): Yus!

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_to the Court, and especially to the Press_): The
Horse, you will observe, is free. He can whinny, neigh, or bite at
will. Observe!

(_At this word a gentleman called_ JAMES _ran a pin into the_ WITNESS,
_who thereupon lashed out a violent kick against the wall._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: He shall now be muzzled.

(_A large leathern bag completely enveloping its head and mane was put
over the witness, who thereupon shuffled uneasily, as though
bewildered._)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Now!

(Mr. JAMES _again touched up the witness with the pin. Instead of
kicking, the witness danced in an agitated manner and went through
various contortions_.)

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: I think no further proof is needed of the
advantage--or at any rate the innoxiousness--of the muzzle or gag. I
trust the experiment will put an end to those foolish complaints in
Parliament and the Press which have recently caused the continent
itself to sneer. Next!

The next witnesses called were TWO PIGS.

The Counsel for the Cobden Club, at the risk of his fortune, rose to
protest. His disclaim was not so much against the Pigs themselves
(_porcs de soi_), for the Court had allowed them, and he
(_emphatically_) was not there to contradict the superior wisdom of the
Court. It was rather against the presence of _two_ witnesses in the box
at the same time. It was wholly opposed to the spirit of Our English
Law. Latterly that spirit had been attacked in a hundred ways:
Prisoners could speak for themselves, even solicitors--he was ashamed
to say--could plead in inferior Courts, but two witnesses in the same
box was more, he thought, than the temper that produced an Eldon and a
Halsbury could stand. Let alone the relaxation of the moral bond (for
how could these two witnesses feel in common the awful meaning of an
individual oath?) let alone the moral bond....

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (_suddenly_): You are making a speech!

The Counsel for the Cobden Club was then taken off to prison. The
Inquiry proceeded.

The WITNESSES solemnly deposed by another’s mouth (as do infants in
baptism) that they were born of one litter in the beautiful old-world
village of....

Mr. CHAMBERLAIN: Go on! go on!

WITNESSES, continuing, affirmed that they were reared in the same way
to the age of six months. It was then determined to feed the one (Tom)
in the Protectionist, the other (Bill) in the Free Trade spirit. All
manner of food was stuffed into the latter at all hours; the former had
a sparse meal once a week of honest English husks and bean-pods, with a
little straw. Look at them now! “Kruger,” the free-trader pig, was so
fat he could hardly walk. His life was a burden: he implored the
release of death. “Roosevelt,” on the other hand, was a frisky,
amiable, and active pig, capable of the most amusing tricks, and a fit
companion for the best wits of the age.

The WITNESSES then stood down after receiving the thanks of the Court.

A FERRET, two DORMICE, and a CAPERCAILZIE having been heard to little
effect,

A BOA-CONSTRICTOR was called to show that indirect taxation was capable
of indefinite expansion, and a HIPPOPOTAMUS to satisfy the Court that a
broad basis was synonymous with stability.

[Illustration]

A TRAINED LION was sworn, and showed, in the most amusing manner, under
the artificial stimulus of a trainer with a whip, how in old age, with
his teeth drawn and his spirit thoroughly broken, even so dangerous a
beast could be put to the most useful work: such as rolling a log,
balancing a see-saw, ploughing the sand, wiping something off a slate,
doing a little spade work, and even roaring at command more loudly than
in youth. The Imperial Brute was dressed in a large Union-Jack, and
while it provided instruction afforded also entertainment to the
company.

Many other witnesses, subpœnaed at enormous expense, carried conviction
to all present, when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN ordered to be introduced the
ELEPHANT, presented by our Friend and Ally, the Maharajah of Gûm.

[Illustration]

After some delay, during which the anxiety of the Court was terrible to
behold, a Marabout arrived announcing that the Faithful Animal and
Loyal Servant of the Empire had breathed its last that very hour in its
Rooms at St. James’s! The Marabout, who elected to be sworn in the
Hindoo manner, that is, formally and without prejudice, recounted with
many sobs the last hours of the noble Pachyderm. It was chosen, he
assured the Court, on account of its peculiar longevity; it being
assumed by His Highness the Maharajah (_here witness bowed once to the
Court, once to the Royal Arms, and once to nothing in particular_) that
an animal which had outlived the Empire of the Great Mogul would
survive the protracted Inquiry upon the Fiscal Relations of the &c.,
&c. Alas! Providence had otherwise disposed!

In a chastened and humble mood, and dwelling upon the vanity of human
affairs, the Court solemnly adjourned. The Duke of Marlborough was
heard to murmur, in the words of Burke, “What shadows we are, and what
shadows we pursue!” a phrase which Mr. Chamberlain immediately entered
in his pocket-book under the heading “p. 273, pop. quota.; mem. Latin
original?”




VI.


The sixth and last sitting of the Inquiry upon the Fiscal (skip the
rest) was remarkable in many ways, but especially for the fact that Mr.
Chamberlain alone appeared.

The audience in the street outside, and the many experts and officials
who were privileged to enter the court, were waiting in vain for the
advent of at least the Duke of Marlborough or Mr. Austen Chamberlain,
when the Colonial Secretary rose, and after remarking that he would
detain them for but a very few moments, begged that they would not take
alarm at the constitution of the court.

The absence of his colleagues was just the kind of thing that his more
virulent opponents might put down to some difference within the
Cabinet. Against malicious ignorance of that kind there was no weapon
but direct contradiction. He would contradict it here and now, as he
had successfully contradicted in the past his connection with the
Jameson raid, the stupid story about the garden party at Lord
Rothschild’s, and the legend of his having been a Free Trader and a
Home Ruler, in some remote past which his enemies found it very
difficult to discover. (_Laughter._)

He did not think it seemly that a man should talk too much about
himself. He would therefore make no allusion to the services he had
rendered his country. Such as they were, they could never be more than
the services of one man. A great man perhaps, a loveable man certainly,
but after all, only one man.

Lord Beaconsfield had said that men imputed themselves. He was not
quite clear what this meant, but,--....

(_Here Mr. Chamberlain took up another little bit of paper, frowned,
let drop his eye-glass, fiddled a little with his fingers, frowned
again, replaced his eye-glass, and explained that he had mislaid some
of his notes._)

Continuing in a more natural tone, and with far less fluency, he
proceeded to give in detail the reasons for the absence of each of his
colleagues.

The Prime Minister was occupied at Deptford, arguing with some
Nonconformists.

[Illustration: “_Arguing with Nonconformists._”]

Lord Halsbury had retired into a monastery, to make his peace with God.

Lord Lansdowne had been suddenly called to the Foreign Office to
translate some Frenchified stuff or other in the Sugar Convention.

The Duke of Marlborough was suffering from brain fever, and, in spite
of the terribly contagious nature of the disease, Mr. Gerald Balfour
was nursing him with all the tenderness of a woman.

His own son, Austen, had that very morning received a letter from a
Mrs. Augusta Legge, of Tooting. It was addressed to the
Postmaster-General, and complained that a box of fish, despatched by
her ten days ago, had been lost in the post. The Postmaster-General
always attended to these things himself. It was in the tradition of
hard, silent self-denial in which he had himself been brought up, and
in which he had brought up his family.

Under the circumstances he thought he would not call any witnesses ...
something much more convincing than any number of witnesses was being
prepared in the Horse Guards’ parade.

Mr. Chamberlain cordially invited those present to attend, and sat down
after speaking two hours and thirty-four minutes, during the whole of
which prodigious space of time he kept his audience entranced and
speechless.

At the close of these proceedings, Lord Burnham came forward in his
robes, his escutcheon borne by pages, and displaying as supporters,
Hummim and Thummim, with the legend “_Nec Nomina Mutant_.” The
Venerable Peer presented the Colonial Secretary with a pair of white
gloves, according to an ancient and touching custom, which prescribes
such a gift when a Court is happily spared the painful duty of
delivering a verdict.

Mr. Chamberlain then disappeared through a little door to robe himself
as a Roman Emperor, in which character he proposed to address the
pageant.

[Illustration]

On reaching the Horse Guards’ Parade an enormous crowd was discovered
stretching as far as the eye could reach, but leaving between
themselves and the grand stand a space, through which could defile the
procession which had been arranged. At precisely fifteen minutes to six
Mr. Chamberlain rose to address the crowd, and by a fine conception the
brass band, the flags, and the various contingents of the procession
began marching past at the same time.

It was perhaps on this account that his speech was not very clearly
heard. The opening sentence, however, rang high and clear: “I shall
detain you,” he said, “for but a very few moments.” What followed was
drowned in a blast of trumpets preceding the arrival of----

A dozen miserable Unionist Free Traders. The unhappy men were gagged
and driven forward, with their hands tied behind their backs, by a
convoy of voters from Birmingham, arranged in blocks of five, and
bearing banners ornamented with mottoes in their own dialect.

In the short interval following their passage, several of Mr.
Chamberlain’s sentences could be plainly heard:

“I will tell the truth ... that has ever been ... Imperial race ... one
united....”

At this moment the contingent of National Scouts, cheering wildly and
galloping past the saluting point, drowned the master’s voice.

When the dust they had raised had somewhat fallen, his stern, impassive
features were once more discernible, and a few more sentences could be
caught above the din, though with increasing difficulty, as the mob
were beginning to indulge in that loud horse-play which is inseparable
from great popular movements.

“He was not often mistaken.... They could not point to any opinion
which he had ... and which had not been....”

Though it was evident from the considerable distension of his mouth
that the Great Statesman was still making history, nothing more could
be heard: every word was swallowed up, as it were, in the increasing
enthusiasm of the crowd.

An effigy of Mr. Winston Churchill, stuffed with straw, was dragged
past the grand stand amid hoots and jeers, and finally burnt at the
stake in the open space near the Duke of York’s steps.

Fifty-seven enormous vans, drawn by twelve strong horses each, and
loaded to the height of at least forty feet with pamphlets and small
handbooks, received perhaps a greater ovation than any other section of
the procession, until, at its close, and, as though to emphasize that
unity among all our fellow subjects, which has been the object of Mr.
Chamberlain’s life, a number of Kaffirs, dressed as nearly as possible
in the manner of the British working man, appeared on the extreme
right, and marched past with colours flying.

[Illustration]

When the approaching tramp and order of these brave men fell upon their
ears, the crowd could no longer restrain themselves. Loud shouts of
“Tweebosch!” and the names of other well-fought fields whereon they had
fought and bled for us, rose from the three educated men who were to be
discovered in that vast assembly. As the legion passed the stand
itself, and turned eyes right to the majestic figure that had enrolled
them in the common service of the Island Race, a great song, of which
the words were at first indistinct, rose spontaneously from various
parts of the parade: within a few seconds half a million undaunted
voices were giving forth the great Song of Empire:

  “Whoi carn’t every man
    ’Ave three woives!”

Spurred by such emotions, the crowd broke through the cordon which had
hitherto been stoutly maintained by a body of Mr. Brodrick’s recruits,
and made a rush for the grand stand; it unfortunately collapsed under
the multitude of those attempting to honour their leader by a personal
embrace. Perhaps no fitter termination could have been imagined for a
scene which marked a turning point in the history of the Horse Guards’
Parade.

The Colonial Secretary, it need scarcely be added, did not remain to
receive this last testimony to his popularity, but the beginning of the
enthusiastic movement in the crowd was enough to convince him that he
had thousands at his back, and, as Napoleon is reported to have said to
his coachman after Waterloo, “With such numbers behind him a man should
be capable of all things.”




REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE

APPOINTED TO

SIT HARD UPON

THE FISCAL CONDITIONS

OF THE

MOTHERLAND.

_Made to the Cabinet in Full Session, crowned, robed, and regardant,
and ordered to be enrolled among the Imperial Archives_

=Under the Great Seal, the Privy Seal, and the Mace Statuant.=


YOUR COMMITTEE--

Did first consider whether they should pursue the course of stating
their reasons before their conclusions; or, secondly, their conclusions
before their reasons; or, thirdly, their reasons only; or, fourthly,
their conclusions only; or, fifthly, a sort of rhodomontade in which
there should be neither reasons nor conclusions, as is the more common
practice. Your Committee divided upon each of these questions, when it
appeared that--

  The first course was rejected unanimously.
  The second course was rejected by acclamation.
  The third course was rejected by inspiration.
  The fourth course was rejected by infatuation.
  The fifth course was rejected by error.

It having thus arrived, in the heat of the moment, that Your Committee
had by accident rejected all courses, and had nothing left to go
upon--there being no precedent for such a misadventure--

YOUR COMMITTEE

Thereupon decided to begin _de novo et ab ovo_, and there was drawn up
by

YOUR COMMITTEE, with the aid of an expert prose-writer, a majority
report, in the following tenor:--


=SECTION I.= YOUR COMMITTEE are of opinion, after hearing all the
evidence presented to them, that--

  _The Empire cannot go on like this._ It is amply proved that not only
  Great Britain and Ireland, but the Colonies also, are and have been
  for many years increasing in wealth, population, and power, to the
  grave detriment of the Christian Virtues of Humility and Holy Dread.
  It is further proved beyond cavil that the cheapness of goods of all
  kinds has enabled the mass of the population to live riotously, has
  destroyed thrift, impaired industry, and even threatened that
  Sobriety which had hitherto been the chief mark of our race.


=SECTION II.= There is, however, another side of the picture. Not only
Great Britain and Ireland, but the Colonies also, are on the verge of
bankruptcy; their population is for the most part starving; in many
districts, notably in Lancashire, the Isle of Thanet, Manitoba, and the
Wagga-Muri country, N.S.W., the wretched populace subsist on grass like
beasts of the field, and have lost all semblance of human form. Even
the wealthy classes have felt the pinch. Three furnished houses in
South Audley Street are untenanted, and it has been necessary to
provide out-door relief for the clergy.

[Illustration: MADE IN POOR OLD KENT.]


=SECTION III.= Gold has accumulated so rapidly of late years as at once
to clog the main channels of business, and to make men lose all sense
of the value of the precious metal. An increase of five million pounds
a year in the circulating medium of the country cannot be regarded
without alarm. Innumerable 10_s._ bits are carelessly mistaken for
sixpences. Whole sovereigns are dropped in cabs, and capitalists of
great prominence allow vast sums to be withdrawn by fraud from their
balances at the banks. The precious metals are used in making cigarette
cases, medals, and statuettes, and are even wantonly wasted upon
objects of superstition in the churches. All these evils undoubtedly
proceed from what Professor Macfadden has called “The Plethora of
Gold.”


=SECTION IV.= Meanwhile there is an awful and hitherto irresistible
drain of gold from every port in the kingdom. Most of our population,
even those betraying every outward sign of prosperity, say that “they
do not know where to turn for money.” The young men at our universities
are all of them deeply in debt, and even the old men are often pretty
dicky.

[Illustration: “_The young men are all of them deeply in debt, and even
the old men are often pretty dicky._”]

Four Colonial loans have failed during the year.

Mr. Seddon informs us that a paltry reward offered him by a grateful
nation had to be raised in no less than five instalments. Indeed, he
was for a long time most anxious about the fifth.

It is extremely difficult to get change.

Numerous cases are on record in which gentlemen of good birth have
found themselves in omnibuses without the means to pay their fare. Some
of them have been thrown out with violence.

[Illustration: “_Gentlemen of good birth_”]

Short temporary loans, such as could once be negotiated by friends for
nothing, can now only be raised upon ruinous terms--sometimes as much
as 60 per cent.--from total strangers.

Paper is everywhere creeping in in the place of metal, in the shape of
cheques, bank-notes, stamps, I.O.U.s, and dunning letters: a state of
affairs rather worthy of Spain than of a Race which has spread its
language over half the new world.

All these evils are most undoubtedly caused by the drain of gold.


=SECTION V.= Foreign nations, in a fit of madness, are perpetually
forcing presents upon us, to the ruin of our legitimate trade. Patriots
who attempt to refuse these gifts are met by threats.

A well-known alderman, of Peckham, who persistently bought English wine
in preference to foreign trash, has recently died in torment under the
suspicion of poison.

[Illustration]

A promising young clerk and poet, known as Balmy Jim, who dressed
exclusively in clothes of his own manufacture, has been discovered
hanging to a tree in Richmond Park.

The Rev. Charles Henty, Fellow of St. Barnabas, who broke a lot of
glass in Kew Gardens to encourage English glazing, has been
incarcerated.


=SECTION VI.= No less than fourteen professors of political economy
have pointed out, in a very able manifesto, that they differ from some
of the most remarkable of our politicians upon fiscal matters. This
alone should show the intense interest aroused by the whole question,
and the absurdity of pretending that an inquiry was not demanded.


=SECTION VII.= We are informed by our colleagues that they have been
scurrilously attacked by no less than fourteen pedants, whom they
believe to be in the pay of foreign powers. This is not the kind of
accusation that can be proved or disproved. It suffices to show the
importance of the issues before us.


=SECTION VIII.= The Editors of the _Daily Mail_, of the _Spectator_, of
the _Standard_, and so forth, have suddenly turned nasty against the
Editors of the _Times_, the _Daily Express_, the _Globe_, and what not,
whoever they may be. This alone should show, &c., &c.


=SECTION IX.= The Duke of Devonshire has made some most irritating
remarks, so has Sir John Gorst. This alone, &c., &c.

       *       *       *       *       *

YOUR COMMITTEE are, therefore, totally unable to make up their minds
what on earth should be done.

It is quite impossible to decide.

They are on the horns of a dilemma.

They are in the utmost perturbation.

They heartily wish you had not asked them to undertake this task.

       *       *       *       *       *

And Your Commissioners will ever pray, &c.

  PRINTED BY R. FOLKARD AND SON,
  22, DEVONSHIRE STREET, QUEEN SQUARE,
  BLOOMSBURY, LONDON, W.C.




Footnotes


[1] Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to our Fellow Creatures
However Humble.




Transcriber’s Notes


This eBook makes the following corrections to the printed text:

  Page 10
    -profit so acquired?
    +profit so acquired?”
  Page 10
    -tackle him, father....
    +tackle him, father....”
  Page 36
    -WITNESS Certainly I refused
    +WITNESS: Certainly I refused
  Page 53
    -a very few moments
    +a very few moments.