The Project Gutenberg eBook of An almond for a parrot, by Anonymous.

Although I cannot at this time bring together positive and undoubted evidence of the authorship of the following tract, (because the materials are at present inaccessible to me,) at some future period, in the Introduction to one of his accredited productions, I hope to place the fact beyond the reach of cavil or question, that Thomas Nash, to whom public fame has given it, was the author.

Nash was of St. John’s College, Cambridge, and took his degree of B.A. in 1585. He is supposed to have quitted the university in some disgrace about 1586, but of the cause we are entirely ignorant. The anonymous author of a tract called “Polymanteia,” printed in 1595, thus alludes to it: “Cambridge, make thy two children friends; thou hast been unkind to one [Nash], to wean him before his time, and too fond[iv] upon the other [Gabriel Harvey], to keep him so long without preferment; the one is ancient and of small reading; the other is young and full of wit.” Nash himself speaks of his beardless years, in Pierce Penniless; and Gabriel Harvey, in his Pierce’s Supererogation, 1592, calls him “a gosling of the printing house;” and in another place “a proper young man;” and elsewhere, “a young man of the greenest spring, as beardless in judgment as in face:” so that he must have taken his degree of B.A. early in life, and we know that he never proceeded Master of Arts.

It would appear from the Introduction to the following tract that Nash had visited Italy. Mr. Collier, in his Introduction to Nash’s Pierce Penniless [Shakspeare Soc. 1842], says, “We find him [Nash] in London in 1587, in which year he wrote a very amusing and clever introductory epistle to a tract by the celebrated Robert Greene, called ‘Menaphon,’ afterwards better known by the name of ‘Greene’s Arcadia,’ the title it bore in the later impressions. This seems to have been Nash’s earliest appearance in the character of an author” [p. x. xi.], then adding in a note, “We take the date of ‘Greene’s Menaphon,’ 1587, from the edition of that author’s ‘Dramatic Works,’ by the Rev. A. Dyce.” Mr. Collier apparently had forgotten that he had[v] himself stated some years before the fact of the Arcadia having been printed in 1587, “because in Greene’s Euphues, his Censure to Philautus, of the same date, it is mentioned as already in print.” [Hist. English Dramatic Poetry, vol. iii. p. 150.]

Whatever may be the date of the first edition of Greene’s Menaphon, we have here only to do with Nash’s Preface to that work, and, though Sir E. Brydges, in his reprint of it in 1814, mentions 1587, in which he is followed by the Rev. A. Dyce in 1831, [Greene’s Works, II. c. iii], by Mr. Collier above, in the same year, and again in 1842, all agreeing to fix the date of Nash’s Preface in 1587; yet there is, if I mistake not, internal evidence that it could not have been written before the date of the first known edition, which is in 1589.

Of the accuracy of the extraordinary facts which Nash relates in the Introduction to the Almond for a Parrot [pp. 5, 6], I had expected to find confirmation in some book of travels of the time, but in this have not succeeded.

Nash, in his Preface to Menaphon, addressed “To the Gentlemen Students of both Universities,” evidently[vi] referring to the Puritans, mentions, “the most poisonous Pasquils any dirty-mouthed Martin or Momus ever composed;” of their “spitting ergo in the mouth of every one they meet;” and, unless I am mistaken, the following refers to Penry: “But when the irregular idiot, that was up to the ears in divinity before ever he met with probabile in the university, shall leave pro et contra before he can scarcely pronounce it, and come to correct commonweals that never heard of the name of magistrate before he came to Cambridge, it is no marvel if every alehouse vaunt the table of the world turned upside down, since the child beateth his father, and the ass whippeth his master.” [Reprint of Menaphon, in Archaica, Pref. xiii., 4to, 1814.] The allusions in the whole sentence can only be explained by referring them to Martin Mar-Prelate’s “Epistle,” “Epitome,” &c., which were printed in 1588.

Secondly, Nash says, “It may be my Anatomy of Absurdities may acquaint you ere long with my skill in surgery.” Now, the Anatomy of Absurdities came out in 1589, and the expression “ere long” would scarcely apply had this been written in 1587.

Thirdly, he says, “If I please, I will think my ignorance indebted unto you that applaud it, if not, what[vii] rests but that I be excluded from your courtesy, like Apocrypha from your Bibles?”

This passage appears to refer to a fact which Martin Mar-Prelate states in his Epistle to the Terrible Priests. [Reprint, p. 4.] “The last lent [he is writing in 1588] there came a commaundement from his grace into Paules Church Yard, that no Byble should be bounde without the Apocripha.” Strype, in his Life of Archbishop Whitgift, admits the order, and takes some pains to justify the Archbishop in issuing it. [See Strype’s Whitgift, i. 590.—Cooper’s Admonition, 1589.]

The foregoing inferences, however, are confirmed by the fact that there is an allusion in this Preface to a work which did not appear until 1589. Nash, in giving the roll of English Worthies, introduces the following passage: “I will not say but we had a Haddon, whose pen would have challenged the laurel from Homer; together with Car, that came as near him as Virgil to Theocritus. But Thomas Newton, with his Leiland, and Gabriel Harvey, with two or three other, is almost all the store that is left us at this hour.” [Pref. to Menaphon, xviii.]

As Newton’s Leiland is a work of unfrequent occurrence,[viii] I subjoin the title at length: “Principum, ac illustrium aliquot & eruditorum in Anglia virorum, Encomia, Trophæa, Genethliaca & Epithalamia. A Joanne Lelando Antiquario conscripta, nunc primùm in lucem edita. Quibus etiarn adiuncta sunt, Illustrissimorum aliquot Herôum, hodiè viventium, aliorúmq; hinc indè Anglorum, Encomia et Evlogia: à Thoma Newtono Cestreshyrio, succisiuis horulis exarata. Londini, apud Thomam Orwinum, Typographum. 1589,” in 4to. This work may also contain internal evidence, in addition to the statement in the title-page, that it was first published in 1589. There is a poem at p. 122, “Ad Chr. Oclandum de Elizabetheide sua,” which may refer to the first part of Ocland’s Elizabetheis, which came out in 1582, but most probably refers to the second part, printed by Thomas Orwin, in 1589.

I should not have taken the trouble to investigate the contents of this Preface of Nash, “the firstlings of my folly,” as he calls it himself [p. xxi], with such minuteness, but that it establishes beyond question the fact that Nash commenced his literary career in 1589, and not, as is generally supposed, in 1587.

In the following Introduction, Nash says, “For comming from Venice the last summer, and taking[ix] Bergamo in my waye homeward to England.” Now as he afterwards alludes to the appearance of Martin Mar-prelate in England, and also to the defeat of the Spanish Armada, “neither Philip by his power,” this most probably was the latter part of the summer of 1588, and if he arrived in England towards the end of 1588, there would be both time and opportunity for him to write the various works, which, published in 1589, are attributed to him. There is every probability, therefore, that Nash did visit Italy, that he was there in 1588, and that, returning to England with his mind enlarged by travel, he commenced his short, but remarkable career in literature, which, after he had undergone the painful vicissitudes to which authors by profession have so often been subjected,

I shall not here enumerate the various works which Nash wrote, because an opportunity will offer, in the Introduction to one of his publications, to notice the whole of them.

Whatever was the origin of the long and bitter quarrel between Nash and Gabriel Harvey, from this[x] passage in the Preface to Menaphon, 1589, “and Gabriel Harvey, with two or three other, is almost all the store that is left us at this hour,” we may reasonably infer that it was not in existence then. The origin, progress, and effect of this quarrel, which included Lyly, Greene, Nash, and the three Harveys, and the right understanding of which is necessary to elucidate the progress of the Martin Mar-Prelate Controversy, I hope to give in the Introduction to “Plaine Percevall the Peace-Maker of England,” a tract uniformly attributed to Nash; but which he, in one of his publications, not only utterly disclaims, but charges it upon one of his most hated antagonists.

The internal evidence in favour of Nash, as the author of the Almond for a Parrot, is very strong; and cannot but appear to any one who is conversant with his “Christ’s Tears over Jerusalem,” a work containing more remarkable passages than any publication of the time that has ever fallen in my way. The description of Penry, at p. 39, beginning, “Where, what his estimation was,” &c.; but more especially the paragraph at p. 21, beginning, “Talke as long as you will of the Ioyes of heaven,” &c., may be compared with several passages in “Christ’s Tears” wherein Nash describes[xi] the horrors endured by its inhabitants during the siege of Jerusalem.

With respect to the title “An Almond for a Parrat,” the meaning appears obvious; it is evidently a cant term, and like “A Sop to Cerberus,” means a stopper for the mouth. Mr. Halliwell, in his Dictionary of Archaic and Provincial Words, calls it “a kind of proverbial expression,” but does not attempt to trace its origin. It is used by Skelton [Works by Dyce, ii. 4], by Webster [Works, iii. 122], and by Middleton [Works, iii. 112].

The original, from which the present tract is reprinted, is a small 4to, printed in black letter, consisting altogether of 28 pages. The “Protestation” is referred to at p. 11, “Pap with a Hatchet,” at p. 12, and “Hay any worke for a Cooper,” at p. 15, by which it is certain that its publication was subsequent to them, and may perhaps be referred to the latter end of the year 1589.

Fit for the knaue Martin, and the
rest of those impudent Beggers, that
can not be content to stay their stomakes
with a Benefice, but they will needes
breake their fastes with
our Bishops.

Imprinted at a Place, not farre from a
Place, by the Assignes of Signior Some-body, and
are to be sold at his shoppe in Trouble-knaue
Street, at the signe of the
Standish.

Brother Kempe, as many alhailes to thy person as there be haicocks in Iuly at Pancredge: So it is, that what for old acquaintance, and some other respectes of my pleasure, I haue thought good to offer here certaine spare stuffe to your protection, which if your sublimitie accept in good part, or vouchsafe to shadow with the curtaine of your countenance, I am yours till fatall destiny two yeares after doomes day. Many write bookes to knights and men of great place, and haue thankes, with promise of a further reward for their paines: others come of with a long Epistle to some rufling Courtier, that sweares swoundes and bloud as soone as euer their backe is turnd, a man can not goe in the streetes for these impudent beggers. To auoide therefore as well the worthlesse attendance on the one,[4] as the vsuall scorne of the other, I haue made choise of thy amorous selfe to be the pleasant patron of my papers. If thou wilt not accept of it in regard of the enuy of some Citizens, that can not away with argument, Ile preferre it to the soule of Dick Tarlton, who I know will entertaine it with thankes, imitating herein that merry man Rablays, who dedicated most of his workes to the soule of the old Queene of Nauarre many yeares after her death, for that she was a maintainer of mirth in her life. Marry God send vs more of her making, and then some of vs should not liue so discontēted as we do: for now a dayes, a man can not haue a bout with a Balletter, or write Midas habet aures asininas in great Romaine letters, but hee shall bee in daunger of a further displeasure. Well, come on it what will, Martin and I will allow of no such doinges, wee can cracke halfe a score blades in a backe-lane though a Constable come not to part vs. Neither must you thinke his worship is to pure to be such a swasher, for as Scipio was called Africanus, not for relieuing and restoring, but for subuerting and destroying of Africa: so he and his companions are called Puritans, not for aduancing or supporting of puritie, by their vnspotted integritie, but of their vndermining and supplanting it by their manifold heresies. And in deed therein he doth but apply himselfe to that hope which his holinesse the Pope and other confederate forriners,[5] haue conceiued of his towardnesse. For comming from Venice the last Summer, and taking Bergamo in my waye homeward to England, it was my happe soiourning there some foure or fiue dayes, to light in felowship with that famous Francattip’ Harlicken, who perceiuing me to bee an English man by my habit and speech, asked me many particulars, of the order and maner of our playes, which he termed by the name of representations: amongst other talke he enquired of me if I knew any such Parabolano here in London, as Signior Chiarlatano Kempino. Very well (quoth I,) and haue beene oft in his company. He hearing me say so, began to embrace me a new, and offered me all the courtesie he colde for his sake, saying, although he knew him not, yet for the report he had hard of his pleasance, hee colde not but bee in loue with his perfections being absent. As we were thus discoursing, I hard such ringing of belles, such singing, such shouting, as though Rhodes had beene recouered, or the Turke quite driuen out of Christendome, therewithal I might behold an hundreth bonefiers together, tables spred in the open streetes, and banquets brought in of all handes. Demaunding the reason of him that was next me, he told the newes was there (thankes be to God,) that there was a famous Schismatike one Martin newe sprung vp in England, who by his bookes, libels, and writings, had brought that to passe, which neither[6] the Pope by his Seminaries, Philip by his power, nor all the holy League by their vnderhand practises and policies could at any time effect: for wheras they liued at vnitie before, and might by no meanes be drawne vnto discord, hee hath inuented such quiddities to set them together by the eares, that now the temporaltie is readie to plucke out the throtes of the Cleargie, and subiects to withdraw their allegeance from their Souerayne: so that in short time, it is hoped they will bee vp in armes one against another, whiles we aduantaged by this domesticall enuy, may inuade them vnawares, when they shall not be able to resist. I, sory to heare of these triumphes, coulde not rest till I had related these tidinges to my countrimen. If thou hast them at the second hand, (fellow Kempe) impute it to the intercepting of my papers, that haue stayed for a good winde, euer since the beginning of winter. Now they are arriued, make much of them, and with the credit of thy clownery, protect thy Cutbert from Carpers.

Welcome Mayster Martin from the dead, and much good ioy may you haue of your stage-like resurrection. It was told me by the vndanted purseuants of your sonnes, and credibly beleeued in regard of your sinnes, that your grout-headed holinesse had turnd vppe your heeles like a tired iade in a medow, and snorted out your scornefull soule, like a mesled hogge on a mucke-hill, which had it not beene false as the deuill woulde haue it, that long tongd doctresse Dame Law. muste haue beene faint (in spite of insperation) to haue giuen ouer speaking in the congregation, and employ her Parrats tong in stead of a winde-clapper to scarre the crowes from thy carrion. But profound Cliffe the ecclesiasticall cobler, interrupted from his morning exercise with this false alarum, broke vp his brotherly loue-meeting abruptly, when the spirite had but newly moued him, and betooke him to his solitary shoppe, abutting on the backe side of a bulke. Nor was his souterly sorrow so hippocritically ingratefull, but he determined in the aboundance of his teares, that made a ful tide in his blacking tubbe, to haue stitcht vp your[8] traytourshippe a tumbe of vntand leather, wherein tanquam culeolo insutus, hee mought haue sought his fortune in the seas. But I know not how this parracides exequies were prorogd, in so much as a brother in Christ of his at Northampton, fetcht a more thriftier president of funeralls piping hot from the primitiue church, which including but a few words and those passing well expounded, kept his wainscot from waste, and his linnen from wearing, sufficeth he tombled his wife naked into the earth at high noone, without sheete or shroude to couer her shame, breathing ouer her in an audible voice: Naked came I out of my mothers wombe, and naked shall I returne againe. Tut, tut, a thousand of these pranks make no discord in my young maisters discipline, whose reformed fraternity, quoat Scripture so confidently, as if they had lately purchast a commission of cum priuilegio ad interpretandum solum, from Christ and his twelue Apostls. And in deede who knowes whether Maister Martin being inspired, as earst one of his faction, who hearing the waites play vnder his window very early, insulted most impudently, that in the midst of his morning praiers, he was presented with the melody of Angels, so hee in like manner shoulde vaunt of some reuelation, wherein the full sinode of Lucifers ministers angells assembled, did parlament all their enuy to the subuersion of our established ministry, and then comes forth some more subtile spirite of hipocrisie, which offers himself to be a false prophet in the mouths of our Martinists, to whom the whole sedition house of hel condiscending,[9] break vp their sessions, and send this seducer into the world, where finding no such mutinous seate, as the heart of our seconde Pilate Marprelate, he chose it in steade of a worser, to bee vnto England as Zidkiah son of Chenaanah was vnto Ahab. Beare with me good Maister Pistle-monger, if in comparing thy knauery, my full points seeme as tedious to thy puritane perusers, as the Northren mans mile, and a waybitte to the weary passenger, for I tell thee troth, till I see what market commission thou hast to assiste any mans sentences, I will neuer subscribe to thy periode prescisme. And hearest thou old Martin, did all thy libells iointly shroude so much substance of diuinity in their outlandish letters, as that one periode of vniformity in T. C. directing to obedience, I would thinke God had bin mercifull to thee in inspiring thy soule with some one separate motion, from reprobation, but when whole reames of paper are blotted with thy huperbolical blasphemies and religious matters of controversy more then massacred by thy prophane scurrility, I cā but suppose thy hart yᵗ house swept and garnished, into the which the foule spirit returned with other 7. spirits worse then himself. Malicious hipocryt, didst thou so much malign the successeful thriuings of the Gospell, that thou shouldst filch thy selfe, as a new disease into our gouernement? wert thou the last instrument of Sathans enuy, that as the abhortiue childe of a Chaos of heresies, thou sholdst adorne thy false dealing with the induments of discipline? Me thinks I see thee smile from vnder thy double-fact hood, to thinke howe craftily thou hast[10] crept into mens cōsciences: but wouldst thou obserue, how if thy alarums haue prosperd in our peaceable ears, that make no more breach into our state, then the iron hornes of those hony tōgd prophets into the arraies of the Aramites, Chro. 2. and tenth Chap. thou wouldest with Achitophell return to thy house (at least if thou hast any) and hang thy selfe in a melancholie, for that thy counsaile was turned to follye. When I first saw thy books, I ascribed thy impudence to the Calabrian wonders of 88. but when 89. beheld thee in a new sute, I imagined the excesse of our sins, sent thee forth to geue railing sentence against vs, as Simei against Dauid in the 2. of Kings. Yet seely sophister wouldest thou return the sobrietie of thy morning wittes to this ouerworne Simile, that the rodde which was made to correct post destinatum finem, is cast into the fire, thy despaire would deeme euery darke hole, the entraunce into hell, thy soule being the cittie, whereof the deuill is made free by endenture. And be it true which pittying report hath auouched, Herostratus desire to be famous, made thee to seale him a conueiance of it many yeares since, so that now thy notorious pamphlets hauing passed the Presse, it is to be feared he will come ouer thee for couenantes ere many yeares to an end. It may bee thou hast redde Foxes Monuments more idlely, where lighting on the example of Luther, that by his praiers importunitie, made the deuil to deliuer vp the obligation of his dānation, that sold the ioies of Heauē, for the inheritance of earth, thou hopest in like manner in the age of thine iniquities to bee restored to eternity,[11] by the vncessant inuocation of the Church which thou termest Antichristian. Deceiue not thy selfe thou man of security, for the enemy of Adam is no poeticall Argus, that his eies should be put out by thy arguments. I tell thee troth, he wil be-pistle thee so peuishly, with allegations of vnuenidall sinnes, as though hee were borne within two houses of Battle bridge. It is not thy despairing protestations, can make thy peace with God, whose church thou hast sought to deuide, as did Herods souldiers his garmentes: wele geue thee leaue to tell vs a smooth tale of the intercepting of thy treasons, and curry fauour like a crafty foxe, with the ciuill magistrate in politique termes of feare and reuerence, but thy heart is no more disguised in this hypocriticall apparel, then a trenchour Aristippus in the coate of a Parasite. Why discourse I so soberly, with the mortal enemy of modesty, when as the filth of the stewes, distild into ribauldry termes, cannot confectionate a more intemperate stile then his Pamphlets. Thou calst our Bishops wicked by comparison, whereas (wert thou strooken as thou protests with the vntoward euents of thy villanies) thou shouldst find the defilings of the 7. deadly sins, to haue broght thee by a pleasant pollution, within the possitiue degree of damnation. What talk I to him, of hel or damnation, whom Lucifer hath furnisht to infection, with the painted poison of snout-holy deuotion, and all the powers of darknesse, haue adorned as an intelligencer to their kingdome, of the infirmities in our flourishing Church of England. To this purpose haue they inspired him with a most scurrile spirite of lying,[12] that when his eagle-sighted enuy can truely atract no argument of infamy, his poetica licentia, may haue a fresh supply of possibilities, that encrease by cōtinuance to a compleat libell of leasings. All you that be schollers, read but his last challenge, wherein he laies about him so lamely, as though of his limping brother Pag. hee had lately learned to play at cudgels. But how euer his crazed cause goes on crutches, that was earst so brauely encountered by Pasquin and Marphoreus, and not many moneths since most wittily scofte at by the extemporall endeuour of the pleasant author of Pap with a hatchet: yet is not the good olde creeple vtterly discouraged, or driuen cleane from his dounghill, but he meanes to make the persecuted Coblers once more merrie. Yet by your leaue his other dayes daunger is not so fully disgested, that he shuld forget the sanctified martyrs his brethren, those runagate Printers, to whose reuenge he bequeatheth a large Pistle of rayling Epithites, and mistearmeth our Bishoppes authoritie, with a whole Textor of tyrannie. A few of whose milder tearms are of this making, wicked Priests, presumptuous Priests, proude Prelates, arrogant Bishops, horseleeches, butchers, persecutors of the truth, Lamhethical whelps, Spanish Inquisitours. Thinke you this myrie mouthed mate, a partaker of heauenly inspiration, that thus aboundes in his vncharitable railings: yet are these nothing in comparison of his auncient burlibond adiunctes, that so pester his former edition with their vnweldie phrase, as no true syllogisme can haue elbowe roome where they are. In[13] which Alphabet these that followe may bee placed: bounsing Priests, terrible Priests, venerable Maisters, proud and pontificall Patripolitians. Gentle reader, I giue you but a tast of them by the waie, that you may knowe them the next time you meete them in your dish, and learne to discerne a poysonous scorpion from wholesome fish. Martin you must thinke, was moude, when his gun-pouder papers were fired aboute his eares, and the spendthriftes his Printers, haled to the prison their patrimonies. Wherefore I cannot blame him though he sends abroade his Letters of supplication, in behalfe of his seruants that did but his bidding. The Church, the Church is persecuted amongst you my maisters, and Martin gettes nere a superintendentship by the shift, but let not Meg Law. crie once more to the Churchwardens for her foode, least shee bring with her a campe royall of scoldes, to scratch out your eyes. Oh she will declaime brauely ouer a Cuckstoole, and plaie the gyant in a narrowe lane with her distaffe. Maister Cooper shall haue his stipend still at Paules chaine, or else shee will sweat for it. I lyke such a wench that will stande to her tackling, why Bishoppes are but men, and she will carrie a Martin in her plackarde in despite of the proudest of them all. Learne of her you London Matrones, to make hodie-peeles of your husbandes, and leade them like good soules up and downe the streetes by the hornes, let it be seene by your courages in scolding, that women haue soules, which a balde eloquent brother of yours, denide not long since in his Sermon at Lichfielde. I, I, my maisters, you[14] may mocke, on as you see cause, but I warrant you the good olde true-pennie Marprelate is not so merrie, hee sits ruminating under an oake, or in the bottome of a haystacke, whose bloud shall be first spilte in the reformation of the Church. And not without cause, for hee that hath so lately felte the paine of worming and launcing, cannot but stande in awe of Buls slicing tooles one two moneths after. O it is a hairebrande whooresonne, and well seene in Phlebotomie, if a but once take knife in hande, cha will as soone let out the seditious humours forth a Martinistes bodie, as the best he in England, that hath bin twentie yeeres practioners in Surgerie. Good munckie face Machiuell, shew but thy head once, and trie him at my request, and if he doe it not more handsomely, then those whom thou callest Butchers and Horseleeches, then neuer trust an olde ladde whilest thou liuest. How euer it happens, thou bearest thy resolution in thy mouth at highe midnight, and hast Scripture enough to carrie thee to heauen, though thou wert hangde to morrowe. We feare not men that can kill the bodie, quoth Martin, because we feare God, who can cast both bodie and soule into vnquenchable fire. Doest thou feare God in deede, I praie thee good hedge-creeper how shall we knowe that? What, by the smoothing of thy face, the simpering of thy mouth, or staring of thy eies? Why if that be to feare God, Ile haue a spare fellowe shall make mee a whole quest of faces for three farthinges. But thou wilt peraduenture saie, by thy obedience vnto him. Then will I catechise thee more kindly with a[15] fewe more Christian questions: the first whereof shall be this, wherein thou placest obedience, which if thou aunswerest, by doing that which God hath commaunded in his worde: then would I knowe of thee, whether that of Paul be Canonicall or Apocripha, He that resisteth the magistrate, resisteth the ordinaunce of God. And here I am sure to be had by the eares with a Geneua note of the distinction of magistrates, but all that shall not serue your turnes, for Ile driue you from your Dic Ecclesiæ ere I have done, ware the vnmasking of Martin, when it comes tis lyke to bee a shrewde Pistle, I can tell you. Prepare your argumentes as you will, for Mar-Martin Iunior, meanes to make such hauocke of you in that his next peece of seruice, as all your borrowed weapons of simple T. C. shall not bee able to withstande. For your olde soaking Demonstrationer, that hath scrapte vp such a deale of Scripture to so lyttle purpose, Ile leaue his confusion to the vacaunt leasure of our grauer Diuines, who I knowe, did they but once sette penne to paper, woulde grinde his discipline to powder. Thou art the man, olde Martin of Englande, that I am to deale withall, that striues to outstrip all our writers in witte, and iustle our gouernement forth of doores with a iest. What, wee must not let you passe with such fauourable tearmes, as our graue Fathers haue done, your Bookes must bee lookt ouer, and you beaten lyke a dogge for your lying. I thinke, I thinke I shall haue occasion to close with you sweetlie in your Hay anie worke for a Cooper, and cutte off the traynes of your tedious syllogismes, that[16] nowe haue no lesse then seauen or eight Termini waiting on them. Fortifie your ruinous buildinges betimes, and saie hee was your friende that badde you: for I can tell you thus much, a whole hoast of Pasquils are comming vppon you, who will so beleaguer your paper walles, as that not one idle worde shall escape the edge of their wit. I giue thee but a brauado now, to let thee knowe I am thine enemie, but the next time you see Mar-Martine in armes, bidde your sonnes and your familie prouide them to God-warde, for I am eagerly bent to revenge, and not one of them shall escape, no not T. C. himselfe as full as he is of his myracles. But to pursue maister Protestationer in his common place of persecution. I remember we talkt euen now of a dudgen destinction from which my Bedlam brother Wig. and poltfoote Pag. with the rest of those patches, striue to deriue theyr discipline disobedience. Our Ecclesiasticall gouernment and gouernours say they, are wicked and vnlawfull. Why? because Sir Peter nor Sir Paul were neuer Archbishoppes of Canterbury, London, or Yorke. They were Fisher-men, and were not able. When Cæsars Officers demaunded their tribute to make fiue groates amongst them, then what reason is it our Bishoppes should inioy their five hundreds, nay, that which is more, their thousand and two thousands? They were none of these Cartercaps, Graduates nor Doctors, therfore why should we tie our Ministrie to the prophane studies of the Vniuersitie. What is Logicke but the highe waie to wrangling, contayning in it a world of bibble babble. Neede we anie of your[17] Greeke, Latine, Hebrue, or anie such gibbrige, when wee haue the word of God in English? Go to, go to, you are a great company of vaine men, that stand vpon your degrees and tongues, with tittle tattle, I cannot tell what, when as (if you looke into the matter as you ought) the Apostles knew neare a Letter of the booke. I wis it were not two pins hurt, if your Colledges wer fired ouer your heades, and you turnde a begging forth your fellowshippes, like Fryers and Monkes vp and downe the Countrie. I marie sir, this is somewhat like, now Martin speakes like himselfe, I dare saie for him good man, he could be contented there were nere a maister of Art, Bachelour of Diuinitie, Doctor or Bishop in England, on that condition he prest Fishermen, scullers, Coopers, Stitchers, Weauers and Coblers into theyr places. You talke of a Harmonie of the Churches, but heere would be a consort of knauerie worth the publishing to all posteritie. Would you not laugh to see Cli. the Cobler, and New. the souter, ierking out theyr elbowes in euerie Pulpit. Why, I am sure Ladie Law. would fast mans flesh a whole moneth together, but shee woulde giue either of them a gowne cloth on that condition. My self doe knowe a zealous Preacher in Ipswich, that beeing but a while a goe a stage player, will now take vpon him to brandish a Text agaynst Bishoppes, as well as the best Martinist in all Suffolke. Why, I praie you goe no farther then Batter, haue wee not there a reuerent Pastour of Martines owne making, that vnderstands not a bit of Latine, nor neuer dyd so much as looke towards the Vniuersitie in[18] his life, yet you see for a neede he can helpe discipline out of the durt, and come ouer our Cleargie verie handsomely with an heere is to bee noted. Oh he is olde dogge at expounding, and deade sure at a Catechisme, alwayes prouided, that it bee but halfe a sheete long, and he be two yeeres about it. And well too my maisters, for such a one that vauntes himselfe to bee as hee is, as good a Gentleman euerie inch of him, as anie is in all Stafford sheere. Bee what he will, one thing I wote, hee is seldome without a good Cheese in his studie, besides apples and nuttes, although his wife can neuer come at them. I hearde not long since of a stoute conference hee had with a yong scholer, who taking my Deske-man somewhat tardie in his disputations, told him hee was inspired with too much Logique. Where vnto hee replyed with this solempne protestatiō, I thank God, al the world cannot accuse me of that arte. I hope anon maister Martin, I shall bee meetelie euen with you for your knauerie, if I goe but two mile further in your Ministrie. It is not the Primitiue Church shall beare out the Vicar of little Down. in Norfolke, in groaping his owne hennes, like a Cotqueane, I am to come ouer him when I have more leasure, for his tenne shillings Sermons at Thetforde: wherein if he raue as hee was wont to doe, Ile make him wishe that hee had been still Vsher of Westminister. Well, to the purpose. You saie Bishoppes are no Magistrates, because they are no lawfull Magistrates. Is it euen so brother Timothie, will it neuer be better, must I euer leade you vp and downe antiquitie by the[19] nose lyke an Asse. May neither Scriptures nor Fathers goe for paiment with you, but still you will bee reducing vs to the president of the persecuted Church, and so confounde the discipline of warre and peace? If you will needes make vs the apes of all their extremities, why doe not you vrge the vse of that communitie wherein Ananias and Saphira were vnfaythfull. Perswade Noble men and Gentlemen to sell theyr landes, and laie the money at your feete, take awaie the title of mine and thine from amongst vs, and let the worlde knowe you heereafter by the name of Anabaptistes. Admit that the authoritie of Bishoppes were as vnlawfull as you woulde make it, yet since it is imposed vnto them by the Princes owne mouth, and ratified by the approbation of so many Kings and Emperours, as well in their particular Parliamentes as generall counsayles, you are bounde in conscience to reuerence it, and in all humilitie to regarde it, insomuch as Christ denide not tribute to Cæsar an vsurper, nor appealde from Pilate a Pagan, who occupied that place by the intrusion of tyrannie. Were the Israelites in captiuitie, anie whit exempted from the obedience of subiectes, in that they liued vnder the scepter of Nabuchodonesor an Idolater, who had blasphemed their God, defaced their Temple, and defiled their holie vesselles. Nay, are they not expresslie commaunded by the Lordes owne mouth, to honour him as their King: Howe can they then escape the dampnation of contempte, that beeing priuate subiectes to such a vertuous Soueraigne, as is zealous of Gods glorie will controll her, disposing of honours, and[20] oppose vnto publique derision, those the especiall pillers and ornamentes of her state, whome shee hath graced from their infancie, with so many sundrie ascentes of dignities. But were this all, then shoulde not treason bee such a braunche of your religion as it is. Haue not you and your followers vndermined her Graces Throane, as much as traytours might: call to minde the badde practise of your brother the Booke-binder and his accomplishes at Burie, who beeing as hotte spirited as your worshippes, in the schismaticall subiect of reformation, and seeing it woulde not come of halfe kindlie to theyr contentment, made no more a doe, but added this newe Posie to her Maiesties armes. Those that bee neither hotte nor colde, Ile spue them out of my mouth, sayth the Lorde. Denie this, and Ile bring a whole Assizes, as Obsignatos testes of your trecherie. To come neerer to thee Brother Martin. Hast not thou in thy firste booke agaynst Doctour Bridges, as also in Hay anie worke for Cooper, excluded her Highnesse from all Ecclesiasticall gouernement, saying she hath neyther skill nor commission, as shee is a Magistrate, to substitute anie member or minister in the Church. And in an other place, that there is neither vse nor place in the Church for members, ministers or officers of the magistrates making. If this wyll not come in compasse of treason, then farewell the title of Supremacie, and welcome agayne vnto Poperie. By this time I thinke, good-man Puritan, that thou art perswaded, that I knowe as well as thy owne conscience thee, namely Martin Makebate of Englande, to bee a moste scuruie and[21] beggerlie benefactor to obedience, and per consequens, to feare neyther men, nor that God who can cast both bodie and soule into vnquenchable fire. In which respect I neyther account you of the Churche, nor esteeme of your bloude, otherwise then the bloude of Infidelles. Talke as long as you will of the ioyes of heauen, or paines of hell, and turne from your selues the terrour of that iudgement howe you will, which shall bereaue blushing iniquitie of the figge leaues of hypocrisie, yet will the eie of immortalitie discerne of your painted pollutions, as the euer-liuing foode of perdition. The humours of my eies are the habitations of fountaines, and the circumference of my heart the enclosure of fearefull contrition, when I thinke howe many soules at that moment, shall carrie the name of Martine on their foreheads to the vale of confusion, in whose innocent bloude thou swimming to hell, shalt haue the tormentes of tenne thousande thousande sinners at once, inflicted vppon thee. There will enuie, mallice and dissimulation bee euer calling for vengeance agaynst thee, and incite whole legions of deuilles to thy deathlesse lamentation. Mercie will saie vnto thee, I knowe thee not, and Repentaunce, what have I to doe with thee. All hopes shall shake the head at thee, and saie, there goes the poyson of puritie, the perfection of impietie, the serpentine seducer of simplicitie. Zeale her selfe will crie out vppon thee, and curse the time that euer shee was maskte by thy mallice, who lyke a blinde leader of the blinde, sufferedst her to stumble at euerie steppe in Religion, and madest her seeke in the dimnesse[22] of her sight, to murther her mother the Churche, from whose pappes thou lyke an enuious dogge but yesterdaie pluckest her. Howe euer proude scorner, thy whoorishe impudencie, may happen heereafter to insiste in the derision of these fearfull denuntiations, and sporte thy iesters penne at the speach of my soule, yet take heede least despayre bee predominant in the daie of thy death, and thou in steade of calling for mercie to thy Iesus, repeate more oftner to thy selfe, Sic morior damnatus vt Iudas! And thus much Martin, in the way of compassion, haue I spoke for thy edification, moued therto by a brotherly commiseration, which if thou bee not too desperate in thy deuilish attempts, may reform thy heart to remorse, and thy pamphletes to some more profitable theame of repentance. But now haue at thee for the goodnesse of the cause, of which thou saist: We must not reason from the successe.

Trust me therein thou hast spoke wiser then thou art aware of, for if a man should imagine of fruite by the rottennesse, of garmentes by the moath frets, of wine by the sowrnesse, I warrant him for euer being good costerd-monger, broker, or vintner whiles he liues. Therefore we must not measure of Martin as he is allied to Elderton, or tongd like Will Tong, as he was attired like an Ape on yᵉ stage, or sits writing of Pāphlets, in some spare out-house, but as is Mar-Prelat of England as he surpasseth King and collier, in crying, So ho ho, brother Bridges. Wo ho ho, Iohn a London. Ha ha he, Doctor Copecotes. Doe this and I warrant you, for sauoring of the fleshe, though you take the[23] oportunity of the spirite, with euery sister in Christ. Beholde the state of the low Countryes, since your Plaintife Pistler, will needs make the comparison, suppose Martin to be the map of Belgia dilacerata, whose chiefe prouinces as they are wholye possessed with Spaniards, so thinke his hart and soule enhabited with spiet, they Romists in the matter of Religion, and he a Papist in supremacies contradiction, her inward partes possessed with Anabaptists, and Lutherans, and his more priuate opinions polluted with the dregs of them both, her farthest borders of Holland and Zeland, peopled God wot with a small number of vnperfite Protestants, and the furthest and fewest of his thoughts, taken vppe with some odde true points of Religion. How now Father Martin, haue not I hit your meaning patte in this comparison. Say, wil you haue any more such interpretations, if you say Amen to it. Ile also reconcile your allegoricall induction of France, to the present constitutiō of your frowardnes: but that shal not neede, since the misery of the one is the mirrour of the other, and the Reader must suppose that Martin would neare haue compared himselfe to Flaunders nor France, but as they reflect by allusion the distraction of his factions faith. Howe euer you take him at the worst, yet is his welchnes perswaded, that the Lord hath some speciell purpose, by preuentinge of his presse, to try who they be that are hipocrites, and what they be yᵗ are innocent: And not vnlike too, for hauing interrupted the trafique of honestye, so long as thou hast with thy coūterfet knauery, tis more the hie time thy[24] vnder-hād treachery, were broght to the touchstone of authority. You think we know not how pretily your Printers were shrouded vnder the name of salt-peter-men, so that who but Hodgkins, Tomlins and Sims, at the vndermining of a house, and vndoing of poore men, by diggyng vp their floars, and breaking down their wals. No, no, we neuer heard how orderly they pretended the printing of Accidences, when my L. of Darbies men came to see what they were a doing, what though they damned themselues about the deniall of the deede, is periury such a matter amongst puritans. Tush they account it no sin as long as it is in the way of protestation, being in the mind of a good old fellow in Cambridge, who sitting in S. Iohns as Senior at the fellowes election, was reprehended by some of his betters, for that hee gaue his voice with a dunce like himself, contrary to oath, statue and conscience: why quoth hee, I neither respect oath, statue, nor conscience, but only the glory of God. Men are by men and may erre, yea goodman Spe. himselfe in Paules church-yard, although he saith he hath no sinne, what maruaile is it then, though some corruption cleaue vnto our aged Gentleman by his owne confession. Learne of me to iudge charitably, and thinke that nature tooke a scouring purgation, when she voided all her imperfections in the birth of one Martin: which if it be so, hee is not to be blamed, since as Arist. sayes, vitia naturæ nō sunt reprehendenda. Gibe on, gibe on, and see if your father Mar-martin will beare you out in it or no, you thinke the good sweet-faced prelate, Masse Martin,[25] hath neuer broke sword in ruffians hal, yes that he hath more then one or two, if the truth were known, and fought for his wench as brauely as the best of them all, therefore take heede how you come in his way, least hee belabour you with his crabtree stile for your lustines, and teache you howe to looke into a Martins neaste againe while you live. Alas you are but young, and neuer knewe what his Bumfeging ment, for if you did, you woulde thinke fiue hundreth fistes about your eares, were more then Phisicke in a frosty morning. Write or fight which you will, our champion is for you at all weapones, whether you choose the worde or the sworde, neither comes amisse to him, he neuer took his domesticall dissention in hand to leaue it soone. All England must bee vp together by the eares, before his penne rest in peace, nor shall his rebellious mutinies, which he shrouds vnder the age of Martinisme, haue any intermedium, till religions prosperity and our Christian libertye, mis-termed of him by the last yeare of Lambethisme, doe perishe from amongst vs, and depart to our enemies: then shall you see, what seditious buildinges will arise on the vnfortunate foundations of his folly, and what contentious increase will come from the schoole of contempt.

Holla, holla brother Martin, you are to hasty, what, Winter is no time to make warres in, you were best[26] stay til summer, and then both our brains wilbe in a better temperature, but I think ere that time your witte wilbe welny worn thredbare, and your banquerout inuention, cleane out at the elbowes, then are we well holpen vp with a witnesse, if the aged champion of Warwicke, doe not lay to his shoulders, and support discipline ready to lie in the dust, with some or other demonstration. I can tell you Phil. Stu. is a tall man also for that purpose. What his Anatomy of Abuses for all that, will serue very fitly for an Antipast, before one of Egertons Sermons, I would see the best of your Trauerses write such a treatise as he hath done, against short heeld pantoffles. But one thing it is great pitty of him, that being such a good fellow as hee is, hee shoulde speake against dice, so as he doth: neuerthelesse ther is some hope of him, for as I heard not lōg since, a brother of his, meting him by chance (as theeues meete at the gallowes) after many christian questions of the well fare of his persecuted brethren, and sistern, askt him when they should haue a game at tables together, by the grace of God the next Sabaoth, quoth Phil. and then if it shal so seeme good to his prouidence, haue at you for ames ase and the dise. I forgette to tel you what a stirre he keepes against dumbe ministers, and neuer writes nor talkes of them, but hee calleth them minstrels, when his mastershippe in his minority, plaide the Reader in Chesshire, for fiue marke a yeare and a canuas dublet, couenanted besides, that in consideration of that stipend, he make cleane the patrones bootes euerye time hee came to towne. What[27] need more words to proue him a protestāt, did not he behaue himselfe like a true Christian, when hee went a wooing for his friend Clarke, I warrant you hee saide not God saue you, or God speed you, with good euen or good morrow, as our prophane woers are wont, but stept close to her, with peace bee with you, very demurely, and then told her a long tale, that in so much as widowhoode, was an vncleane lyfe, and subiect to many temptations, shee might doe well to reconcile her selfe to the Church of God, in the holy ordinance of matrimony. Manye wordes past to this purpose, but I wotte well the conclusion was this, that since she had hitherto conuerst with none but vnregenerate persons, and was vtterly carelesse of the communion of Saints, she would let him that was a man of God, put a new spirite into her, by carnall population, and so engraft her into the fellowshippe of the faithfull, to which that shee might more willingly agree, hee offered her a spicke and spanne new Geneua Bible, that his attendant Italian had brought with him to make vp the bargaine. But for all the Scripture he could alledge, it should not bee, Phil. Stu. was no meate for her tooth, God wote he could not get a penyworth of leachery on such a pawne as his Bible was, the man behinde the painted cloth mard all, and so O griefe, a good Sabaoths day work was lost. Stand to it Mar-martin Iunior and thou art good inough for ten thousand of them, tickle me my Phil. a litle more in the flanke, and make him winche like a resty iade, whereto a dreaming deuine of Cambridge, in a certain priuate Sermon of his, compared[28] the wicked. Saist thou me so good heart, then haue at you Maister Compositor, with the constructiō of Sunt oculos clari qui cernis sydera tanquam. If you be remembred you were once put to your trumpes about it in Wolfes Printing-house, when as you would needes haue clari the infinitiue moode of a verbe passiue, which determined you went forwards after this order. Sunt there are, oculos eies, qui the which, cernis thou doest see, clari to be cleare, tanquam sydera as the Stars. Excellent well done of an old Maister of Arte, yet why may not hee by authority challenge to himselfe for this one peece of worke the degrees hee neuer tooke. Learning is a iewel my maisters, make much of it, and Phil. Stu. a Gendeman euery haire of his head, whom although you doe not regard according as he deserues, yet I warrant you Martin makes more account of him then so, who hath substituted him long since (if the truth were well boulted out) amongst the number of those priuy Martinists, which he threatens to place in euery parish. I am more then halfe weary of tracing too and fro in this cursed common wealth, where sinfull simplicitye pufte vppe with the pride of singularity, seekes to peruerte the name and methode of magistracy. But as the most of their arguments, are drawn from our graue fathers infirmities, so al their outrageous endeuors haue their ofspring from affected vainglory. Agreeing with the saying of Hug. “Innobedientiæ morbus ex superbiæ tumore procedit, sicut sanies ex vlcere.”[1] The disease of disobedience proceeds from the swelling of pride, as madnesse from some vntollerable[29] vlcer. The cause whereof Gregory thus expresseth.[2] “Dum plus exquirunt” saith he, “contemplando quam capiunt, vsque ad peruersa dogmata erumpunt, et dum veritatis discipuli esse negligunt, humiliter magistri erroris fiunt.” Whiles by study they search out more then they vnderstand, they breake forth into peruerse opinions, and whiles they neglect to be the schollers of truth, they most basely become the schoolemaisters of error. For such is the boldnesse of our boyish deuines, that they will leape into the pulpet, before they haue learned Stans puer ad mensam, and talke very desperately of dicipline, before they can construe, Qui mihi discipulus. “Qui venit institui” saith Cassiodorus, “antequam instituatur, alios instituere cupit,” &c. The nouice that comes to be informed, desireth to enforme others, before he bee enformed himselfe, and to teach before hee bee taught, to prescribe lawes before he hath redde Litleton, and play the subtile Philosopher, before he knowes the order of his sillables: he wil needes haue subiects, before he can subiugate his affections, and couets the office of a commander, before he hath learned to stoupe to the admonitions of his elders, and beginneth to instruct and perswade, before he bee instructed and perswaded in any kind of art, which their folly once fuelled with yᵉ frowardnesse of blind zeal, makes thē cōfound cōtempt with gods true worship, and open their mouths against his ordinance, as did the Prophets against Ieroboams hil altars. T. C. in Cambridge first inuented this violent innouation, when as his mounting ambition, went through euery kinde of Ambitus, to[30] compasse the office of the Vicechauncelour-ship. But after he saw himselfe disfauourd in his first insolence, and that the suffrages of the vniuersity, would not discend to his dissentious indignityes, his seditious discontent deuised the meanes to discredite that gouernement, which he through his il behauiour might not aspire to. Thē began his inueterat malice, to vndermine the foundations of our societies, and reduce our Colledges to the schooles of the Prophets, to discard all degrees of art as antichristian, to condemne all decency in the ministery as diabolicall, and exclude all ecclesiasticall superiority forth the Church as Apocripha. No sooner had these new fangled positions entred the tables of young students, but Singularity the eldest childe of heresy, consulted with male-conted melācholy, how to bring this misbegottē scisme to a monarchy. To which purpose hipocriticall zeale, was addrest as a pursuiuant into all places of Suff. Norff. Essex and Midlesex, with expresse commandement from the sinod of Saints, to proclaime T. C. supreme head of the Church. This past on thus, whiles the sworde of iustice, slept in his scaberd, whose vnprouident eie neglecting the beginning of such burnings, hath added a more confirmed fury to the flame, which hath now taken hold on yᵉ buildings of our bishopricks. How it hath raged in those quarters before mentioned to yᵉ vtter impouerishing of the allegeance of the communalty, and lamentable vndoing of the estimation of diuers other knights and gentlemen, the whole course of the high commission may testify. Nether was this plague of apostacy vndeserued of their[31] inconstancy, who forsook yᵉ true service of God, to worship the idoll of Warwicke. Put case his reading be gret and his malice more, that he hath plodded through ten cart loade of paper, and bin the death of ten thousand pound of candels, yet as Gregory saith, “perit omne quod agitur, si non humilitate custodiatur.”[3] Whatsoeuer is done doth vanish to infamy, if it be not vpholden by humility: What childe doth not see into the pride of his heart, that first entertained the impudency of controlling antiquity, and preferd the poison of his owne peruerse opinions, before the experience of so many Churches, counsails and fathers. “Quæ maior superioria,” saith Bernarde, “quam vt vnus homo toti congregationi iudicium suum preferat tanquā ipse solus habeat spiritū Dei.”[4] What greater pride then that one man should aduance his iudgement, aboue the sentence of a whole congregation, as if he alone had the spirit of God. Pride ouerthrew the towr of Babell, prostrated Golias, hūg vp Haman, kild Nichanor, consumed Herod, destroied Antiochus, drowned Pharao, subuerted Senacherib, and I hope will also confound arrogant T.C. and all his accomplishes in the Lords good time. And now that I haue vnburdened my shoulders of the weight of his learning, Ile ribroste my brother Martin a litle, for obiecting to my Lord Archbishop, the not answering of his bookes. Therefore first would I know of sweete M. sauce malapert whether he would haue the care of the common-wealth, and forseing consultation of domestical and forreine affaires, resigned to the retorting of T. C. his vnreuerent railings.[32] Next what such equall proportion his mastership finds in their places, that the grauity and mildnes of the one, should stoupe his attention so low, as the iangling leuity of the other. Were there no other thing to refrayn his grace, from combating with a common barretour then this, that in discordia nemo benedicit Dominum, it were sufficient to pleade his absence from this inferiour fight. But when he considers that saiyng of Augustine, “Nullus est modus inimicitiis, nisi ob tempus obtēperemus iratis,” ther is no meane of mallice, vnles for a time we giue place to the furious, and that which another sais, “Sicut nihil est deformius quam respondere furiosis ita, nihil vtilius quam tacere prouocatis.” As there is nothing more vnseemely then to aunswere the froward, so there is nothing more profitable then scilence to such as are prouokt. Let him vse the libertye of his speache as hee please, and detracte from his learninge in what tearmes hee see cause, yet will all Christendome admire his perfection, when T. C. his singularitie shall go a begging vp and downe the low Countries. I will not gainsaie but your reuerend Pastor may haue as knauish a vaine in writing as your selfe, and fasten a slander on the Saintes of heauen, as soone as anie of your sect, for “nil tam facile est,” as Ierom sayth, “quam ociosum et dormientem de aliorum labore et vigiliis disputare.”[5] There is nothing so easie for a man that is sluggish and idle, as to call in question others mens watchings and labours. “Mens praua,” sayth Gregorie[6] “semper in laboribus est, quia aut molitur mala quæ inferat, vel metuit ne sibi ab aliis infeānt,[33] et quicquid contra proximos cogitat, hoc contra se, a proximus cogitari formidat.” A wicked mind liues in continuall toile, because it eyther meditates the iniuries which he is about to inferre, or feares some reproch to be inferred by others, and whatsoeuer hee pretendes agaynst his neighbor, the same he mistrusts to be pretended against himselfe. If T. C. hath made thee his atturney, to vrge the not answering of his bookes, then I praie thee bee my Mercurie this once, and tell him thus much from Mar-Martine, that he hath vndone more Printers with his py-bald pamphlets, then his dish-clout dicipline will sette vp agayne this seauen yeeres. Much inkehorne stuffe hath hee vttered in a iarring stile, and intruded a greate deale of trashe to our eares by a daintie figure of idem peridem, but for anie new peece of arte he hath shewed in those idle editions, other then that his famous aduersary hath before time confuted, he may wel enough bequeth it to Dunce or Dorbel, whēce his blundering capacity is lineally descended. What maister T.C. you think that no man dare touch you, because you haue plaid the scuruie scolde anie time these twentie yeeres, but Ile so hamper your holynes for all the offences of your youth, as all geering puritans shall haue small cause to insult and reioyce at my silence. Then see whether I dare stand to the defence of your defame or no. Take heede good-man Howlyglasse, that I make not such a hole in your coate the nexte Tearme, as Martine and his sonnes shall not sowe vp in hast, I tel you I am a shreud fellow at the vncasing of a fox, and haue cats[34] eyes to looke into euerie corner of a Puritans house. I warrant you my brother Pag. will saie so, by that time I haue talkte with him a little, who although hee bee none of the straightest men that euer God made, yet hath he as good skill in milche bullocks, as anie huswife within fortie miles of his head. Let him alone, and if he doe not know by a cowes water, how many pintes of milke she will give in a yeere, then wyll he neuer help his wife to make cheese agayn whiles hee liues: and without offence to his Pastorshippe bee it spoken, hee will saie pretyly well to a henne, if shee bee not too olde, alwayes prouided, shee haue a neaste of cleane strawe in his studie, and hee groape her with his owne handes euening and morning. Then see if hee doe not make three pounds a yeere of her ouer and aboue all costes and charges. I marie sir, is not this a husbande in deede, that besides the multiplying of the Church of God, in his householde ministerie, will keepe his wife and familie by crosse bargaines a whole twelue moneth. What woulde he doe my maisters, if he had two good legges, that wil thus bestirre him in his vocation with one and a stump. The world may saie he is lame, and so forth, but hee that had seene him runne from Houns the other daie, for getting his maide with childe, woulde neuer thinke so. I meruaile with what face our Bishoppes could depriue such a man of God, that beeing knowen to bee a most heauenly whooremaister, a passing zealous worldling, and a most mortified schismatique, was fitter iwis to teache men then boyes. Bee ruled by Martine, and send him home into Deuonsheere,[35] or else hee will wrappe all your Cleargie once agayne in Lazarus winding sheete. Which fauour if hee obtayne contrarie to desert, I woulde wishe him as a friend, neare more to vrge Fathers to sweare at the Funt, that the children that are brought thether to be christned, are of none but their owne begetting, lest olde Ragdale plie him as he did in times past, about the shoulders with his plowe staffe. Haue with you Giles Wig. to Sidborough, and let us haue you make another Sermon of Sedgwickes pack-prickes: or such another Prayer as you did of three hours long, when as a friend of yours (that best knew your armes) cast in the Rammes homes at your windowe. If you be remembred, it was the same time, when you cride, Come wife, come seruants, let vs fall on our knees, and praie to the Lorde God to deliuer vs from all euill temptation, for the deuill is euen new gone by, and looke where he hath throwne in his hornes at the windowe. Giles, Giles, I haue to talke with you for your saucinesse with the right Honorable the Earle of Huntington, in whose presence you (though of all other vnworthie) then beeing, when conuersant with other Gentlemen, hee calde for a boule of Beere, which brought, and set downe by him, and he yet busie in talke, you tooke verie orderlie from before him, and trilled it off without anie more bones, bidding his man if he would, goe fill him another. And what of all this I praie you, was that such a wonderous matter, doth Giles care for anie of your Lordes, Earles, Barons or Bishops. No, no, no barrell better herring with him: we are all made[36] of one and the selfe same molde, and Adam signifieth but red earth. I could tell you a tale worth the hearing, that would counteruaile Glib. of Haustead, were it not that it woulde make M. Wig. as cholerike, as when he burst in the Church maugre excōmunication, and knockt the keies about yᵉ Sextens head, for not opening vnto him. Come on it what wil, in spite of midsūmer moone, you shal haue it as it is, therefore attend good people to the vnfortunate sequele. G. W. of Wig. house, in the land of little Wittam, chosen to the place and function of a pastor, by those reuerend elders of the Church, Hicke, Hob and John, Cutbert C. the Cobler, and New. the broomseller cum multis aliis que nunc prescribere longum est, at length seased (after many yeeres stragling) on the superintendentship of Sidborough, wher hauing worn out three or four pulpits with the vnreasonable bounsing of his fistes, it was his chance on a time to haue one quarrell more to another of them: so that no sooner mounted on her backe, but he began to spurre her with his heeles, to boxe her about the eares with his elbowes, and so pittiously misuse her in euerie part, as would haue greeued anie heathen Ioyner to the heart, to beholde. Nor coulde his Text containe him in this choler, or pleade anie pardon or pittie for this poore pulpit, but he wold needes ride her to death from one Diocesse to another, from Yorke to London, from London to Canterbury, from Canterburie to Winchester, and all without a baite, insomuch, that tyred in his waie homeward to his Text, he had stucke in the myre for anie more matter hee had, had not Iohn a[37] Borhead come into the church as he did. Whom he espying in good time, crost the midwaie of a sentence to let flie at him in this manner. As for the discipline which those wretches doe hinder, looke, looke good people where that vile whooremaster Iohn a Borhead comes in piping hot from Clayphams wife. Whose verie sight put him so cleane besides himselfe, that he could neyther goe forward nor backward, but stil repeated, Iohn a Borhead, Iohn a Borhead, that vild whooremaister Iohn a Borhead: to whom with the Father, the Sonne, and the holy Ghost, be al honor and praise both now and for euer. Ah hah maister Martine, what get you nowe by your red cap? Whether was Clayphams wife or Iohn a Borhead more in fault, for marring this good sermon. If I. a Borhead, then is it not best for him to come in my brother Wig. waie, least he stabbe him, as hee did the Drumme once for playing after seruice. How euer it was, may it please you Lordes of the spiritualtie, in consideration of these laudible premises, to sende him home to his charge, that hee may once more preache in the yewe tree. My brother Vd. of Kingston thinkes Ile spare him for his wiues sake, that is reported to be as good a wench as euer playde her prises at Pancredge, although she is not altogether such a gyantesse, as my brother Wig. female, but forma fragulis, and Ale is not worth a button, if it be too stale. Wherefore prepare you good neighbour V. to vnder-goe the crosse of persecution. Martine hath vaunted you to be a venterous knight, and I doe meane to breake a launce with you, ere you and[38] I part. Wherfore what saie you nowe to the matter, is Christ descended of bastardisme or no, as you gaue out in the pulpyt? Would you not haue your tongue cut out for your blasphemie if you wer wel serued? Are you a notable preacher of the word of God, and a vehement reprouer of sin, that thus seeke to discredit the fleshly descent of our Sauiour, I thought you such another, when I first sawe you emblazoned in Martins bookes. Tis you that are so holy, that you wil not forsooth be seene to handle anie monie, nor take golde though it shoulde filch it selfe into your purse, but if God moued the heartes of anie of your brethren or sistren in the Lord, to bring in pots, beds or houshold stuffe into your house, you would go out of doores of purpose whiles it was brought in, and then if anie man aske you, how you come so well storde, your answere is that you know not how, but only by the prouidence of God. I must belabour you when all is done, for your backbiting and slandering of your honest neighbours, and open inueighing against the established gouernment in your sermons. Helpe him Martin, or else his vpbraided absurdities will make thee repent that euer thou belyedst or disgracedst Hone, Cottington or Chatfield in his cause. May it please you therefore that are in authoritie, considering how reuerently hee hath abused Christs birthright, to restore him to preach that the blockes and stones of Kingstone, do not crie out against you. I followe the riuers of folly, whiles the fountaines of infection do propagate their poison. Martin all this while thinkes himself in league with[39] obscuritie, whiles Phebus the discouerer of Mars and Venus adultery, hath streamed his bright day light into the net where he daunceth. Blush squint-eied caitife, since thy couert no more wil contain thee. Cælum te contegit non habes vrnam. Therfore let al posteritie that shall heare of his knauerie, attend the discouery which now I will make of his villanie. Pen. I. Pen. welch Pen. Pen. the Protestationer, Demonstrationer, Supplicationer, Appellationer, Pen. the father, Pen. the sonne, Pen. Martin Iunior, Martin Martinus, Pen. the scholler of Oxford to his friend in Cambridge, Pen. totum in toto, et totum in qualibet parte, was somtimes (if I be not deceiued) a scholler of that house in Cambridge whereof D. Per. was maister. Where, what his estimation was, the scorn wherin he liued can best relate. For the constitution of his bodie, it was so cleane contrarie to all phisiognomie of fame, that a man wold haue iudged by his face, God and nature deuising our disgrace, had enclosde a close stoole in skinne, and set a serpentine soule, like a counterfet diamond, more deepe in dong. Neither was this monster of Cracouia vnmarkt from his bastardisme to mischiefe: but as he was begotten in adultery and conceiued in the heate of lust, so was he brought into the world on a tempestuous daie, and borne in that houre when all planets wer opposite. Predestination yᵗ foresaw how crooked he should proue in his waies, enioyned incest to spawne him splay-footed. Eternitie, that knew how aukward he shoulde looke to all honesty, consulted with Conception to make him squint-eied, and the deuill that[40] discouered by the heauens disposition on his birth-day, how great a lim of his kingdom was comming into the world, prouided a rustie superficies wherinto wrapt him, as soone as euer he was separated from his mothers wombe: in euerie part whereof these words of blessing were most artificially engrauen, Crine ruber, niger ore, breuis pede, lumine lustus. To leaue his natiuitie to the Church porch, where the parish found him, and come to his riper yeres, that now had learnd Puerilis, of the poore mans boy, and nere as pretily entred in Aue Marie English, as any parish clarke in those parts. I am to tel you how laudibly he behaued himselfe in Peterhouse, during the time of his subsistership. First therfore he began with his religion at his first comming thether, Hoc scitote viri, that he was as arrant a papist as euer came out of Wales. I tell you I. a P. in those daies, would haue run a false gallop ouer his beades with anie man in England, and helpt the Priest for a shift to saie Masse at high midnight, which if need were, I doubt not but he would do at this houre. It was not for nothing my masters, that he so be-baited his betters, for shewing the people the relique of our Ladies smock in his sermon, and open detecting of all their other blind superstition. Say what you will, he is a close lad, and can carrie a ring in his mouth, though all the world see it not: what though hee now dissemble with the time, and disguise his Spanish heart in a Precisians habit. May not he hereafter proue a necessarie mēber in conspiracies common wealth, and aduantage the holy league as much in this meanes of sedition, as[41] all Philips power by inuasion. Simple English men, that cannot see into pollicie before it supprise your peace, nor interrupt the ambition of trechery, before it hath besieged your prosperitie. Doe you beholde whiles innouations bud, and do not you feare lest your children and family be poisoned with the fruit. The Scythians are barbarous, yet more fore-seeing then you, who so detested al forren innouations, tēding to the derogation of theyr ancient customes, that they kild Anacharsis for no other cause, but for yᵗ he performed the rights of Sibil after the manner of the Grecians. What should I vpbraide your simplicitie with the Epidaurians prouident subtiltie, who fearing least their Countrie men shoulde attract innouations from other nations, and especially from their riotous neighbors the Illirians, interdicted theyr merchants from al trafick with them, or trauaile vnto them, but least they should be vtterly destitute of their commodities, they chose a graue man amongst them, knowen to be of good gouernment and reputation, who dealt continually for the whole Countrie in the waie of exchange, and meruailously augmented their wealth by the reuerence of his wisedome. But you fond men, as in garments so in gouernment continually affecting new fashions, thinke no man can be saued yᵗ hath not bin at Geneua. Your beleefe forsooth must be of that Scottish kinde, and your Bibles of the primitiue print, else your consciences God wot, are not of the cannonical cut, nor your opinions of the Apostles stamp. Pen. with Pan, hath contended with Appollo, and you lyke Midasses, haue[42] ouerprised his musick. Good God, yᵗ a Welch harpe should inchant so many English harts to their confusiō, especially hauing nere a string belonging to it, but a treble. Had a syren sung, and I drownd in attending her descante. I would haue bequeathed my bane to her beautie, but when Cerberus shall barke and I turne back to listen, thē let me perish without pittie, in the delight of my liuing destruction. Deceit hath tooke vp his seat in a dunce, and you thinke him a saint, because he comes not in the shape of a deuil. We know M. Pen. intus et in cute, first for a papist, then for a Brownist, next for an Anabaptist, and last for yᵉ blasphemous Martin, whose spirite is the concrete compound of all these vnpardonable heresies. But had not the frantike practise of his youth throughly founded his confirmed age in this furie, I woulde haue imagined his vpstart spite, a wōder aboue usual speech, whereas now the coniectures drawen from his cradles, detract frō his mallice all maruels. For whiles hee was yet a fresh man in Peterhouse, and had scarce tasted, as we say, of Setons modalibus, he began to affect factions in art, and shew himselfe openly a studious disgracer of antiquitie. Who then such an vnnatural enemie to Aristotle, or such a new-fāgled friend vnto Ramus. This one thing I am sure of, hee neuer went for other then an asse, amongst his companions and equalles, yet such a mutinous block-head was he alwaies accounted, that through town and Colledge he was cōmonly called the seditious dunce. For one while he would be libelling against Arist. and all his followers he knew,[43] another while hee would all to be-rime Doctour Perne, for his new statutes, and make a by-word of his bald pate, yea had the Dean, President, or any other officer neuer so litle angerd him, they were sure ere the weeke went about to haue hard of it, in some libell or other. This humour helde him at that time, when, by conuersing with French men neare Christes Colledge, of a Papist hee became a Brownist, how afterwards from a Brownist hee fell to bee an Anabaptist, I referre it to those that knewe his after behauiour in Oxford. But for his last discent, a malo in peius from an Anabaptist to be that infamous Martin, impute it to the age of his heresies, that are now in there Harvest. Neither would I haue you thinke there was no more heades in it then his owne, For I can assure you to the contrary, that moste of the Puritane preachers in Northampton shire, Warwick shire, Sufolke and Northffolke, haue eyther brought stone, strawe or morter to the building of this Martin. Only Pen. found nothing but ry, which the last part of his name, affordeth sufficiently, you may see what it is for a nest of hornets to hiue together, oh they wil make braue combes to choake bees withal, if they be let alone but one quarter, not so much as T. C. himselfe, but will haue the helpe of his fellow Brethren, if he hath any thing to write against Bishops, were not al the elected in Cambridge, assembled about the shaping of the confutation of the Remish Testament, O so deuoutly they met euery Friday at Saint Laurence his Monastery, wher the counsails and fathers, were distributed amongst seueral companies, and euery one of the[44] reformed society sent there combined quotations weeke by weeke in a Capcase, to my brother Thomas, yet wandring beyond sea, such a Chaos of common places, no apothegmatical Lycosthenes euer conceited. Bishops were the smallest bugs, that were aimed at in this extraordinary beneuolence, God shield, the court haue escapt their collectiōs. Some thing it would proue in the end if it wer published, that is pouldred with the brains of so many Puritan springols, and polluted with the pains of such an infinite number of Asses. Much good do it you M. Martin, how like you my stile, am not I old Ille ego qui quondam at yᵉ besleeuing of a sichophant. Alas poore idiot, thou thinkest no man can write but thy selfe, or frame his pen to delight, except he straine curtesie with one of thy Northren figures, but if authority do not moderate, the fiery feruence of my enflamed zeale, ile assaile thee from terme to terme with Archilochus, in such a compleat armour of Iambicks, as the very reflexcye of my fury, shall make thee driue thy father before thee to the gallows, for begetting thee in such a bloody houre. O God that we two might bee permitted but one quarter, to try it out by the teeth for the best benefice in England, then would I distill my wit into incke, and my soule into argumentes, but I would driue this Danus from his dunghill, and make him faune like a dog for fauour at the magistrates feete. But it is our English policy to aduantage our enemies by delaies, and resist a multitude with a fewe, which makes sediton seede before the haruesters of our souls[45] suppose it in the blade: it is not the spirite of mildenesse yᵗ must moderat the hart of folly, dogs must be beaten with staues, and stuborn slaues cōtrolled with stripes. Authority best knows how to diet these bedlamites, although Segnior Penry in his last waste paper hath subscribed our magistrats infants. Repent, repent thou runnagate lozill, and play not the Seminary any longer in corners, least thy chiefest benefactors forsake thee, and recouer the pouerty of their fines, by bringing the pursiuants to thy forme. I heare some vnderhande whisperers, and greeneheaded nouices exclaime against our Bishops, for not granting thee disputation. Alas alas brother Martin it may not be: for thou art known to be such a stale hackster, with thy welch hooke, that no honest man wil debase himselfe in buckling with such a braggar. But suppose we should send some Crepundio forth our schools to beat thee about the eares with ergo. Where should this sillogistica concertatio be solemnized: what in our Vniuersity schooles at Oxford, or in puluere Philosophico at Cambridge. No they were erected in time of Popery, and must be new built againe before they can giue any accesse to his arguments. Truly I am afraide yᵗ this Generall counsaile, must be holden at Geneua, when al is done, for I know no place in En[g]land holy inough for their turne, except it be some barne or out-house about Bury, or some odde blind cottage in the hart of Warwicke shire, and thither peraduenture, these good honest opponents would repaire without grudging. Prouided alwaies that they[46] haue ther horse-hire and other charges allowed them out of the poor mans box, or els it is no bargain. All this fadges wel yet, if we had once determined who shold be father of the act. Why what a question is that, when we haue so many persecuted elders abroad. The blinde, the halt, or the lame, or any serues the turn with them, so he hath not on a cloak with sleues, or a cap of the vniuersity cut. Imagin that place to be furnished, where shall we finde moderators, that may deale indifferently twixt both parts. Machiuell is dead many a yeare agoe, or els he had bene a fit man for this may-game, therefore whom shal we haue now, since it must be neither yours nor ours. Some vpstart countrey Gentleman, that hath vndone all his tenants by oppression, euen such a one as Scar. of Warwicke shire, that being a noted Martinist, be frinded his poor coppi-holder Criar, and turnd him out of all that ere he had very orderly. How thinke you my lay brethren? is not here a trim conuocation towards. But mark the end of it, and then you may haps see odde buffeting with the buttond bookes, and battring down of bishopricks. Giles of Sidborough wil off his gown at least, and make demonstrations of Logique with his fists like Zeno, what though he be low and cannot reach so hie as an Archbishop, may not he stād like a iackanapes on his wiues shoulders, and scold for the best game with all that come. He is sauing a reuerence a spritish dispu[t]er, and a pestilent felow at an vnperfect sillogisme. Nay mark me well, and[47] take me at my words, he shal speake false Latine, forge a text, abuse a Bishop, or make a lie of reuelation for more then I speak off with any man in Englād. Neither do I flatter him herin for he hears me not, if I did, it were no matter, considering that virtus laudata crescit.

From iest to ernest, I appeale to you Gentlemen, how ridiculous in pollicy this disputation would proue if it were granted. First for there Bibles, the touchstone of all controuersies, they must bee of their fouorites translation, or els they will deny there authority as friuolous. Admit they go to the original (which but few of them vnderstand) they wil haue euery man his sundry interpretation. Let our deuines alledge any text, they will expound it as they list, say the fathers or other auncient writers what they will. For such is the growth of their arrogancy, that they are not ashamed to compare themselus with Ierome or Austen, and in their tedious sermons preach against them as prophane. If this thē bee any betraying of the wretchednesse of our cause (as they call it) not to dispute with them that deny all principles, not to contend with thē that wilbe tride by none but themselus, I refer it to all considerate iudgementes, that haue no more experiēce in the actions of peace then a reasonable soule may afford. The more pacified sort of our Puritans, would needs perswade the world, that it is nought but a learned ministry which their chāpion Martin endeuors: were it no otherwise his pardon were easely sealed, but[48] those that know the treasō of his books, can report of his mallice against Bishops. One thing I am perswaded, that he neither respects the propagation of the Gospel, nor the prosperity of the Church, but only the benefite that may fall to him and his boulsterers, by the distribution of Bishoprickes. Beshrewe mee but those Church-liuings would come well to decayed courtiers. O howe meerilye the Dice would runne, if our lustye laddes might goe to hazard for halfe a dozen of these Dioses[es]. Not a page but woulde haue a flinge at some or other impropriation or personage: and in conclusion, those liuings which now maintaine so many schollers and students, would in two or three yeares be all spent in a Tauerne amongst a consort of queanes and fidlers, that might carouse on their wine-bench to the confusion of religion. Well, to proceede in this text of reformation: is not this thy meaning Martin, that thou wouldest haue two and fiftie thousand Pastors, for two and fiftie thousand Parish churches in England and Wales. If thou saiest the word, we will haue a place in both Vniuersities, begin in Oxford first with the fresh-men, and so go vp to the heades of the Vniuersitie, and then count how many thou canst make. Our Beadles that know the number best, would needes perswade vs, that of all sortes, there is not full three thousand: in Cambridge they say there is not so many by a thousand, then call thy wits together, and imagin with thy selfe, out of these three thousand, and two thousand of all gatherings,[49] how many good preachers may be mustered, some foure hundreth as I gesse, peraduenture thou maist rebate them to some fiftie or threescore, because there is no more open-mouthes of thy profession in both Vniuersities: How farre this fiftie is from fiftie thousand, a farthing worth of Arithmetike will teach you: where wilt thou haue then a competent number to fill vp those defects of dum ministers: inspiration I perceiue must helpe to patch vp your knauerie, and then welfare the cobler of Norwitch, that being one morning somthing earelie at Saint Androwes, and the Preacher not come before the Psalme was ended, stept vp into the pulpet verie deuoutly, and made me a good thriftie exhortation in the praise of plaine dealing. If this bee not true, aske the Maior that committed him to prison for his labour. Such another Doctour would he proue, that standing in election for a liuing that was then in her Maiesties bestowing, came to be examined by men of grauitie in the circumstance of his sufficiencie, who discending eft soones into his vnschooled simplicitie, gaue him this litle English to be made in Latin. There be three Creedes, the Nycen Creede, Athanatius Creede, and the Apostles Creede, all which ought to be belieued vpon paine of damnation. The good simple superintendant, that saw himselfe so hardly beset, craued respite to compasse this vulgar, which graunted, after some deliberation he began thus to go forward, “Tria sunt Creda, vnum Niceni, alterum Athanasii, tertium Apostolorum, quæ omnes debent esse creditum,[50] sub pœna condemnationis.” I marrie Sir, here is apeece of scholershippe of the new cut, which for the goodnesse of the Latin might haue borne a part in the Pewteres paggeant. I keepe a register of ten thousand such knacks. Why, there is not a Presician in England that hath abused arte, or mistoken a metaphor but I haue his name in blacke and white, what say you to that zealous sheepebyter of your owne edition in Cambridge, that saide the wicked had a scabbe, a braune, and a crust on their conscience, being so full of their wilie gilies, that we that are the true children of God can not tell how to concerne them: or was not hee a sound carde, that talking of the maiestie and authoritie of the scriptures, said they were the sweete meates of Saintes, the houshold stuffe of heauen, and the home spunne cloth of the Lords own loombes, being deliuered from the stonebow of his mouth, when he appeared in glory on mount Sinay: But this is nothing to the good sport of that is behinde. What, I must tell you of a fellow that trolles in his rethorike like Martin in his riddles. This hors-holy father preaching on a time in Saint Maries at Oxford, came off with this mannerly comparison: There is an vglie and monstrous beast in our tongue called a hogge, and this vgly and monstrous beast in boistrous and tempesteous weather lifts vp his snoute into the ayre, and cryes wrough, wrough: euen so (deare people) the children of God in the troublesome time of temptations, cry, Our helpe is in the name of the Lord. Such another woodcocke[51] was he of Yarmouth, that said openly in the pulpet, whosoeuer weares a vayle, is an whore without exception, and on an other time, two women comming to be churched, whereof the one wore a vaile, the other went without. He began his thankesgiuing in this forme: Let vs giue God thankes for the safe deliuery of one of our sisters, for the other let vs not giue God thankes, for she is a straunger, and we haue nothing to doe with her, I take her to be Dinah the harlot, that sat by the high way side, for she hath a vayle ouer her face. In the next place to him, shall he be put that railing on the Papists in his Sermon, alledged this argument to confute their religion, Nay (saith he) you may gather what a wicked and spotted religion this papistrie is, for Campion himselfe that was accounted their chiefest piller, was reported to haue had the poxe. I haue another in my tables, that handling that place of Iosua where Rahab entertained his spies, would needes conclude all Inkeepers to be harlots, because Rahab the harlot was an Inkeeper. I shall run my penne out of breath, if I articulate all the examples of their absurdeties that I could. Haue not Trinitie Hall men in Cambridge a preaching brother in Bury yet in sute, for saying all ciuillians were papists. To let him passe for a patch, that being maister of none of the meanest Colledges in Cambridge, and by the oth of his admission, bound to take no money for preferments, made answere to one that offered him fortie markes to make his sonne fellow:[52] God forbid I should take any money for it is against my oth, but if you will giue me it in plate, Ile pleasure him in what I may. This is the dreamer if you be aduised, that is indebted aboue two thousand houres to the Vn[iu]ersitie, which he hath borrowed by three and foure at a time vpon seuerall sundayes preaching as it came to his course: it is a shame for him, that he doth not pay them, professing such puritie as he doth. Martin, thou seest I come not abruptly to thee like a rednosde ieaster, that in the pride of his pottle-pots curries ouer a reuelling riffe raffe of Tapsterly tauntes, and course hempen quippes, such as our brokerly wits doe filsh out of Bull the Hangmans budget, but I speake plaine English, and call thee a knaue in thine owne language. All the generation of you are Hipocrites and belli-gods, that deuoure as much good meat in one of your brotherly loue meetings, as would wel-nye victuall the Queenes ships a whole moneth. It is a shame for you to exclame so against Cardes, and play thus vnreasonably at Maw as you do. Gaffe Martin, doe you remember whom you vpbraided by Primero? well let not me take you at Noddy anie more, least I present you to the parish for a gamster, this the ninth set that you haue lost, and yet you will not leaue off. Beware Anthony Munday be not euen with you for calling him Iudas, and lay open your false carding to the stage of all mens scorne. I maruell Pasquill comes not away with his legends, considering that the date of his promise is[53] more then expired. It seemes he stayes for some Saintes that are yet to suffer, and wants none but Martin to make vp his legend of Martyres, if it be so I woulde thou wouldest come aloft quickly, that we might haue this good sport altogether, and not liue euer in expectation of that which is not. O I could furnish him to the proofe with such a packet of male and female professors, as the world might not patterne. A good old dunstable doctor here in London, should be the formost of them, that saide his wife was as good as our Ladie: and another time quarrelling with one of his neighbours that was a sadler, about setting vp of the Organs, in a good zeale he lift vp his fist, and stroke out two of his fore teeth, like a right man of peace: where haue you lived my brethren, that you haue not heard of that learned Presbiter, that talking how Adam fell by eating of the Apple, discourst thus: Adam eate the Apple and gaue it to his wife, whereby is to be noted that the man eate and the woman eate, the man eate, but how, a snap and away: the woman eat, but how, she laide her thumbe on the stalke, and her finger on the coare and bitte it ouerthwart, in which byting it ouerthwart, she broke all the commaundements, insomuch as vnder ten greene spots the ten cōmmandments in euery Apple are comprised: and besides that corrupted her fiue senses. From whence wee may gather this obseruation, that a woman alwaies eates an Apple ouerthwart. Why, this is sound diuinitie, and apt for to edify, Sed[54] abeundum est mihi, and from the Cleargie must I leape to the Laytie. Wherefore God euen good man Dauy of Canterbury, and better lucke betide thee and thy limbes, then when thou dauncedst a whole sunday at a wedding, and afterwardes repenting they selfe of thy prophane agilitie, thou entredst into a more serious meditation against what table thou hadst sinned, or what part was the principall in this antike iniquitie. The eyes they were the formost in this enditement, but the legs, (O those leude legs,) they brought him thither, they kept him there, they leapt, they daunced, and I leualted to the Vials of vanitie: wherefore, what didst thou but like a true christian chastised them accordingly. The scripture saith, if thine eye offend thee, plucke it out, Dauy saith, my hose and shoes haue offended mee, therefore will I plucke them off. This text thus applyed, off went the wollen stockings with a trice, and they with the good neates leather shoes were cast both into the bottom of a well. The sinners thus punished, and all parties pleased, home went the pilgrim Dauy barefoote and barelegge. And now since wind and tide serues, now I care not if I cut ouer to Ipswitch: there is a Cowdresser there that I am sure will entertaine me if she be not dead, great Iane of Ipswitch they call her, one that hath beene a tender mother to many a Martinist in her time, and hath a very good insight in a canne of strong wine. A good vertuous Matrone is she and a wise, hauing no fault but this, that[55] she will be drunke once a day, and then she lyes her downe on her bedde, and cryes, O my God, my God, thou knowest I am drunke, and why I should offend thee my God by spuing thus, as I do. I haue not beene in Essex yet, but Ile set in my staffe there as I go home, for I haue a petition for my brother that made the Sermon of Repentance to deliuer vp for me to the Councell: but it must not be such a one as he deliuered for him selfe to my Lord Treasurer, beginning with O sweet Margery, could thy eyes see so fare, thy hands feele so farre, or thy eares heare so farre &c. for then euerie seruing man will mocke vs, but it must be of another tune, with most pitifully complaining, that a man can not call an Asse, asse, but he shall be had coram nobis. In this vaine enough, because actions of the case are chargeable, and Guilde men vncharitable. If the dogge Martin barke againe, Ile hold him tugge for two or three courses, and then beware my blacke booke you were best, for I haue not halfe emboweld my register. Amend, amend, and glorie no more in your hipocrisie, least your pride and vaine glory betray our prosperitie to our enimies, and procure the Lords vengeance to dwell in the gates of our citie. The simple are abused, the ignorant deluded, and Gods truth most pitifully peruerted, and thou art that most wretched seducer, that vnder wolues raiment deuourest widowes houses. Visions are ceast, and all extraordinarie reuelation ended, although a good fellow in Cambridge,[56] hearing all thinges might be obtained by prayer, prayed two dayes and two nightes for visions: wherefore broach no more heresies vnder colour of inspiration: if thou doest, thou art like to heare of me by the next Carrier. And so bon nute to your Noddishippe.

FOOTNOTES

[1] Hug. lib. de duob. abusio.

[2] Greg. lib. 8.

[3] Greg. lib. mor.

[4] Ber. 2. ser. resur.

[5] Ierome super Oseam.

[6] Greg. 15.

Page 9, line 28. induments] from induo, Latin, to put on; cover over. The word, as a noun, does not occur in Todd’s Johnson nor in Nares.

P. 11, l. 6. unuenidall sinnes] Unvenial? it seems used in contradistinction to venial.

P. 11, l. 8. despairing protestations] This is an allusion to “The Protestatyon of Martin Mar-Prelat, wherein notwithstanding the surprizing of the printer, he maketh it known vnto the world that he feareth, neither proud priest, Antichristian pope, tiranous prellate, nor godlesse catercap.”

P. 12, l. 28. burlibond] Todd, in his edition of Johnson, has adduced one illustration of the word burly, which approximates to the meaning here, that of loud, boisterous; derived, as he supposes from borlen, Teut., to make a noise. Though neither in Nares nor Todd, it will be found in Nash’s Pierce Penniless [Reprint, Shaksp. Soc., p. 25]: “The most grosse and senseless proud dolts are the Danes, who stand so much vpon their vnweldie burlibound souldiery, that they account of no man that[58] hath not a battle-axe at his girdle to hough dogs with, or weares not a cock’s fether in a thrumb hat like a caualier: briefly, he is the best foole bragart under heaven.”

P. 13, l. 25. hodie-peeles] Nash, in his Anatomie of Absurdities, uses the word hoddy-peke, there implying cuckold, which is the meaning it bears in this place.

“Who under her husband’s that hoddy-peke’s nose must have all the distilling dew of his delicate rose.”

P. 14, l. 2. true-pennie] See the Notes to the Reprint of “Hay any Worke for Cooper,” p. 79.

P. 14, l. 7. Buls slicing.] Bull was the name of the common hangman; he is quoted some two or three times in “Pap with a Hatchet,” and in many of the Dramas of the time.

P. 15, l. 21. Old Martin of England.] An allusion to the “Iust censure and reproofe of Martin Iunior, by his reuerend and elder brother Martin Senior.”

“Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heaven restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, leave thy vain bibble babble.”—Shakspeare, Twelfth Night.

P. 22, l. 25. Will Tong.] I cannot give any account of this worthy, unless Will. Kempe, who succeeded the celebrated Tarlton, is meant. Elderton’s name is well known, his rimes and ballets are the subject of frequent allusion in the dramas and pamphlets of the time. See “Pap with a Hatchet,” [Reprint, p. 14]. Harvey’s “Pierce’s Supererogation.” [Reprint, p. 181.]

P. 24, l. 4. Hodgkins, Tomlins and Sims.] Hodgkins, and his[59] two men, Tomlyn and Symms, who were employed to print the Mar-Prelate Tracts after Waldegrave’s press had been broken up, were seized at Manchester in printing “More work for the Cooper.” Their examination will be found in Strype’s Annals, vii. 602-5.—See also much information in Sutcliffe’s Answer to Job Throckmorton, p. 72, 4to, 1595.

P. 25, l. 8. Bumfeging.] i. e. belabouring. The word does not occur in Nares. In “Hay any Worke for Cooper,” Martin says, “For ise so bumfeg the Cooper,” &c. [Reprint, p. 24.]

P. 26, l. 8. Phi. Stu.] Philip Stubbes, the brother-in-law of Cartwright. His “Anatomy of Abuses,” was printed in 1589.

“I have been pinched in flesh, and well ribroasted under my former masters; but I’m in now for skin and all.”—L’Estrange.

“Perjury will easily donne with him that hath made no bones of murther.”—Bp. Hall, Cases of Conscience.

P. 39, l. 6. Pen. &c.] Nash is evidently mistaken in attributing all the Mar-Prelate Tracts to him. The description which follows powerfully reminds us of Nash’s characteristic portrait of Gabriel Harvey.

“There are political sheepbiters as well as pastoral, betrayers of publick trusts as of private.”—L’Estrange.

“May it please Gentle Pierce in the divine fury of his ravished spirit, to be graciously good unto his poor friends, who would be somewhat loth to be silly sheep for the wolf, or other sheepbiter.”—G. Harvey’s Pierce’s Supererogation.

P. 52, l. 26. Beware Anthony Munday.] A well known writer and translator of various works. I have not met with the passage alluded to.

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The Project Gutenberg eBook of An Almond for a Parrot: Being a reply to Martin Mar-Prelate

INTRODUCTION.

TO THAT MOST
Comicall and conceited Caualeire
Monsieur du Kempe, Iestmonger and
Vice-gerent generall to the Ghost of Dicke Tarlton.

His louing brother Cutbert Curry-knaue sendeth Greeting.

An Almond for a Parrat.

FOOTNOTES

NOTES.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

The Project Gutenberg eBook of An Almond for a Parrot: Being a reply to Martin Mar-Prelate

INTRODUCTION.

TO THAT MOST Comicall and conceited Caualeire Monsieur du Kempe, Iestmonger and Vice-gerent generall to the Ghost of Dicke Tarlton. His louing brother Cutbert Curry-knaue sendeth Greeting.

An Almond for a Parrat.

FOOTNOTES

NOTES.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

TO THAT MOST
Comicall and conceited Caualeire
Monsieur du Kempe, Iestmonger and
Vice-gerent generall to the Ghost of Dicke Tarlton.

His louing brother Cutbert Curry-knaue sendeth Greeting.