The Project Gutenberg eBook of Phil May: Sketches from "Punch." This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Phil May: Sketches from "Punch." Author: Phil May Author of introduction, etc.: Owen Seaman Release date: March 7, 2021 [eBook #64738] Language: English Credits: Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images available at The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHIL MAY: SKETCHES FROM "PUNCH." *** Phil May Sketches from “PUNCH.” Phil May Sketches from “PUNCH.” [Illustration: colophon] LONDON: “Punch” Office, 10, Bouverie Street, E.C. [Illustration: The Whitefriars Press.] Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ltd., Printers, London and Tonbridge. Phil May. _Born, April 22, 1864._ _Died, August 5, 1903._ If the death of PHIL MAY is a loss that the world of art may not soon retrieve, to his wide circle of friends it is an irreparable hurt. He had a nature made to love; so great a charm of gentleness and unaffected modesty went with his splendid gifts. The hard times of early life, that helped him in his art, as they helped another Filippo, to “learn the look of things,” left their trace, too, in the almost reckless generosity he showed for the needs of others. Less careful for himself, he suffered as a man must suffer who has a heart too quickly responsive to the claims of good fellowship always to distinguish in others between friendship and mere _camaraderie_. Among his colleagues at the Table he inspired a personal affection not less frank and sincere than their admiration, never even faintly tinged with envy, for the genius from which they caught a reflected pride. Their only jealousy was of the happy possessor of the latest of those delightfully spontaneous sketches which he used to make on the backs of the _Punch_ Dinner menus. These gifts are treasured still more dearly now, along with many unrecorded memories that linger about his vacant place. OWEN SEAMAN. _From_ “PUNCH,” _August 12th, 1903_. Contents PAGE. FROM “PUNCH.” =“And _she_ ought to know!”= 2 _October 14th, 1893._ =Self-Criticism= 3 _April 4th, 1896._ =The Finishing Touch= 4 _August 18th, 1894._ =Q. E. D.= 5 _September 1st, 1894._ =The Plunger= 6 _December 15th, 1894._ =An Important ’Junction= 7 _September 22nd, 1894._ =Wasted Efforts= 8 _May 25th, 1895._ =A Sunday Dinner= 9 _July 27th, 1895._ =Blasé= 10 _July 7th, 1894._ =Much Ado= 11 _September 14th, 1895._ =A Soft Answer= 12 _February 23rd, 1895._ =Not what he meant= 13 _X’mas Number, 1894._ =Pickings from Picardy= 14 _September 7th, 1895._ =Botany; or, a Day in the Country= 15 _April 6th, 1895._ =A Model= 16 _December 14th, 1895._ =A Lecture in Store= 17 _February 16th, 1895._ =A Sketch from Life= 18 _September 21st, 1895._ =A Gourmand= 19 _June 1st, 1895._ =So _that_ doesn’t count= 20 _July 13th, 1895._ =A Special Pleader= 21 _April 20th, 1895._ =A Natural Query= 22 _March 21st, 1896._ =Inappropriate= 23 _January 25th, 1896._ =A Sketch near Piccadilly= 24 _October 10th, 1896._ =A Threat misplaced= 25 _April 11th, 1896._ =Obvious= 26 _July 25th, 1896._ =An Awkward Admission= 27 _July 11th, 1896._ =A Homely Test= 28 _July 24th, 1897._ =At a Literary and Artistic Banquet= 29 _May 8th, 1897._ =Notes of Travel= 30 _October 23rd, 1897._ =Sending-in-Day at the R.A.= 31 _April 10th, 1897._ =From Dottyville= 32 _August 21st, 1897._ =Another from Dottyville= 33 _July 2nd, 1898._ =Jam satis= 34 _March 14th, 1900._ =Petticoat Lane= 35 _Almanack, 1898._ =Feline Impressions= 36 _May 21st, 1898._ =An Awakening= 37 _May 7th, 1898._ =Poor Letter H= 38 _February 26th, 1898._ =Disadvantages of Performing at a Country House in the Wasp Season= 39 _January 29th, 1898._ =Art in Whitechapel= 40 _May 1st, 1897._ =The National Sporting Club, London= 41 _Almanack, 1898._ =Flippancy= 42 _September 3rd, 1898._ =A Rejoinder= 43 _April 2nd, 1898._ =An Injured Innocent= 44 _June 18th, 1898._ =Notes from Mr. Punch’s Foreign Sketch-book= 45 _December 3rd, 1898._ =Critics from the Quartier Latin= 46 _January 25th, 1899._ =’Arry in ’Olland= 47 _September 6th, 1899._ =Mistrust= 48 _November 8th, 1899._ =An Unexpected Reply= 49 _March 8th, 1899._ =“The Grey Mare”= 50 _February 15th, 1899._ =At a Garden Party= 51 _August 9th, 1899._ =The Very Latest Discovery= 52 _March 29th, 1899._ =Christmas comes but once a year= 53 _December 27th, 1899._ =Malapropos= 54 _June 7th, 1899._ =Overheard at a Country Fair= 55 _September 27th, 1899._ =Convincing= 56 _September 13th, 1899._ =Overheard on the Steps of the Army and Navy Stores= 57 _April 19th, 1899._ =Eureka!= 58 _January 10th, 1900._ =A Soliloquy= 59 _January 3rd, 1900._ =A Breezy Customer= 60 _September 5th, 1900._ =A Misunderstanding= 61 _November 21st, 1900._ =Graphic= 62 _March 7th, 1900._ =Hard Lines= 63 _June 6th, 1900._ =From Erin’s Isle= 64 _April 25th, 1900._ =Mafeking Night= 65 _May 30th, 1900._ =Another way of putting it= 66 _December 4th, 1901._ =An Artless Query= 67 _December 25th, 1901._ =Not a Water Drinker= 68 _January 23rd, 1901._ =A Connoisseur= 69 _January 9th, 1901._ =On the Village Green= 70 _September 18th, 1901._ =“An Englishman’s House,” &c.= 71 _October 23rd, 1901._ =Self-satisfied= 72 _February 27th, 1901._ =Another Mr. Weller= 73 _February 13th, 1901._ =Another from Ireland= 74 _September 4th, 1901._ =Vanitas= 75 _November 27th, 1901._ =Brothers in Art= 76 _February 26th, 1902._ =The New Play= 77 _November 19th, 1902._ =Quite Another Thing= 78 _December 10th, 1902._ =A Big Order= 79 _March 19th, 1902._ =Indirect Oration= 80 _April 9th, 1902._ =Beginning Early= 81 _February 12th, 1902._ =Candid= 82 _March 26th, 1902._ =A Different View= 83 _April 23rd, 1902._ =Paradoxical= 84 _August 20th, 1902._ =Dottyville again= 85 _February 19th, 1902._ =Awkward= 86 _January 29th, 1902._ =An Unpopular Idol= 87 _December 24th, 1902._ =An Empty Embrace= 88 _September 17th, 1902._ =Overheard outside a famous Restaurant= 89 _February 5th, 1902._ =Unexpected Effect= 90 _November 12th, 1902._ =Reckoning him up= 91 _January 8th, 1902._ =Shakespeare Illustrated (_Hamlet_, Act III., Sc. 1)= 92 _May 6th, 1903._ =Shakespeare Illustrated (_Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5)= 93 _October 1st, 1902._ =Decisive= 94 _May 27th, 1903._ =Amenities of the Profession= 95 _May 13th, 1903._ =Brown’s Country House--No. 1= 96 _January 14th, 1903._ =Brown’s Country House--No. 2= 97 _January 21st, 1903._ =The New Act again!= 98 _February 18th, 1903._ =!!!!= 99 _April 8th, 1903._ =Ready for the Fray= 100 _January 7th, 1903._ =An Echo from Broadway= 101 _January 28th, 1903._ =Smart= 102 _February 25th, 1903._ =Quite of her Opinion= 103 _July 8th, 1903._ =The Genial Season= 104 _December 22nd, 1894._ =So likely!= 105 _March 30th, 1895._ =A Euphemism= 106 _October 12th, 1895._ =Rather Difficult for him= 107 _November 14th, 1900._ =The Ruling Passion= 108 _August 7th, 1901._ =Tit for Tat= 109 _April 15th, 1903._ =All the Difference= 110 _November 6th, 1901._ =Strong Language= 111 _July 29th, 1903._ =Shakespeare Illustrated (_King John_, Act III., Sc. 4)= 112 _July 22nd, 1903._ Sketches by Phil May From “PUNCH.” [Illustration: “=AND _SHE_ OUGHT TO KNOW!=” “THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A PORTOGRAPH OF LADY SOLSBURY BUT, BLESS YER, IT AIN’T LIKE HER A BIT IN PRIVATE!” [_First contribution to “Punch.“_] [Illustration: =SELF-CRITICISM.= _First Genius to Second Genius._ “WHY ON EARTH DO YOU DO YOUR HAIR IN THAT ABSURD FASHION, SMITH?”] [Illustration: =THE FINISHING-TOUCH.= “ARF A POUND ER MARGARINE, PLEASE; AN’ MOTHER SAYS WILL YER PUT THE COW ON IT, ’COS SHE’S GOT COMPANY!”] [Illustration: =Q. E. D.= “WHAT’S UP WI’ SAL?” “AIN’T YER ’ERD? SHE’S MARRIED AGIN!”] [Illustration: =THE PLUNGER.= _First Boy (much interested in the game of Buttons)._ “’AS ’E LOST?” _Second Ditto._ “YES; ’E LOST ALL THEM BUTTONS WHAT ’E WON OFF TOMMY CROWTHER YESTERDAY, AN’ THEN ’E CUT ALL THE BUTTONS OFF ’IS CLOTHES, AND ’E ’S LOST THEM TOO!”] [Illustration: =AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION.= “YOU MIND YOUR FADER GETS MY BOOTS REDDY BY FOUR O’CLOCK, ’COS I’M GOIN’ TO A PARTY”] [Illustration: =WASTED EFFORTS.= _New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks)._ “YOUR ’AIR IS VERY THIN BE’IND, SIR. TRY SINGEING!” _Jones (after a pause)._ “YES, I THINK I WILL.” _N. A. (after singeing)._ “SHAMPOO, SIR? GOOD FOR THE ’AIR, SIR.” _Jones._ “THANK YOU. YES.” _N. A._ “YOUR MOUSTACHES CURLED?” _Jones._ “PLEASE.” _N. A._ “MAY I GIVE YOU A FRICTION?” _Jones._ “THANK YOU.” _N. A._ “WILL YOU TRY SOME OF OUR--” _Manager (who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper)._ “YOU IDIOT! _HE_’S A SUBSCRIBER!!”] [Illustration: =A SUNDAY DINNER.= _Father of Family (who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table)._ “MIND T’DOG DOESN’T GET IT!” _Young Hopeful (triumphantly)._ “ALL RIGHT, FEYTHER! I’VE GOTTEN ME FOOT ON IT!”] [Illustration: =BLASÉ.= _Kitty (reading a fairy tale)._ “‘ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A FROG----’“ _Mabel (interrupting)._ “I BET IT’S A PRINCESS! GO ON!”] [Illustration: =MUCH ADO.= “MAMMA-A-A! BOO-HOO! WE’S CRYING! TUM UP ’TAIRS AN’ SEE WHAT’S DE MATTER WIV US!”] [Illustration: =”A SOFT ANSWER,” &c.= _Importunate Street Urchin (for the tenth time)._ “GI’ US A COPPER, SIR! GI’ US A COPPER!” _Testy Individual (losing patience)._ “OH, GO TO“--(_substitutes a milder form_)--“BLAZES!” _Street Urchin._ “SURE THIN AN’ I WOULD IN THIS BASTLY COULD WEATHER, IF I WAS ONLY CERTAIN O’ COMIN’ BACK AGAIN!” [_Individual’s testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded._] [Illustration: =NOT WHAT HE MEANT.= _Superior ’Arry._ “CABBIE! TO THE--AW--THE PRINCE OF WALES’S.” _Cabbie._ “MARLBRO’ ’OUSE, MY LORD?”] [Illustration: =PICKINGS FROM PICARDY.= AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PÈRE.] [Illustration: =BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY.= “SAY, BILLEE, SHALL WE GAVER MUSHROOMS?” “YUS. I’M A BEGGAR TO CLIMB!”] [Illustration: =A MODEL.= _Little Guttersnipe (who is getting quite used to posing)._ “WILL YER WANT ME TER TIKE MY BUN DOWN?”] [Illustration: =A LECTURE IN STORE.= “_ARE_ YOU COMIN’ ’OME?” “I’LL DO ELLYTHIK YOU _LIKE_ IN REASOL, M’RIA--(_hic_)--BUR I _WON’T_ COME ’OME.”] [Illustration: =A SKETCH FROM LIFE.= _Chorus (slow music)._ “WE’RE A RARE OLD--FAIR OLD--RICKETY, RACKETY CREW!”] [Illustration: =A GOURMAND.= _Youngster (who has just had a Penny given to him)._ “’OW MUCH IS THEM GRAPES, MISTER?” _Shopkeeper (amused)._ “THEY ARE FOUR SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE A POUND, MY LAD.” _Youngster._ “WELL, THEN, GIVE US A ’A’PORTH O’ _CARROTS_. I’M A _DEMON_ FOR _FRUIT_!”] [Illustration: =SO _THAT_ DOESN’T COUNT.= “ARE YOU SURE THEY’RE QUITE FRESH?” “WOT A QUESTION TO ARST! CAN’T YER SEE THEY’RE ALIVE?” “YES; BUT _YOU_’RE _ALIVE_, YOU KNOW!”] [Illustration: =A SPECIAL PLEADER.= _First Boy._ “GIVE US A BITE OF YOUR APPLE, BOB.” _Second Boy._ “SHAN’T.” _First Boy._ “WHAT FOR?” _Second Boy._ “COS YER AXED ME!” (_After a pause._) _Small Boy._ “GI’ ME A BITE, BOB. I NEVER AXED YER!”] [Illustration: =A NATURAL QUERY.= “WHAT BAIT ARE YER USIN’, BILLIE?” “CHEESE.” “WHAT ARE YER TRYIN’ TER CATCH--MICE?”] [Illustration: =INAPPROPRIATE.= _Street Serio (singing)._ “ER--YEW WILL THINK HOV ME AND LOVE ME HAS IN DIES HOV LONG AGO-O-O!”] [Illustration: =A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY.=] [Illustration: =A THREAT MISPLACED.= “OI TELL YEZ OI WILL _NOT_ CLANE OUT ME CELL. OI’D LAVE THE JAIL FURRST!”] [Illustration: =OBVIOUS.= “GENTLEMEN, I AM READY TO ADMIT THAT HIS CAREER IN THE PAST HAS NOT BEEN FREE FROM BLEMISH----”] [Illustration: =AN AWKWARD ADMISSION.= _Enthusiastic Briton (to seedy American, who has been running down all our National Monuments)._ “BUT EVEN IF OUR HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT ‘AREN’T IN IT,’ AS YOU SAY, WITH THE MASONIC TEMPLE OF CHICAGO, SURELY, SIR, YOU WILL ADMIT THE THAMES EMBANKMENT, FOR INSTANCE----” _Seedy American._ “WAAL, _GUESS_ I DON’T THINK SO DURNED MUCH OF YOUR THAMES EMBANKMENT, NEITHER. IT _RAINED_ ALL THE BLARMED TIME THE NIGHT I _SLEP_ ON IT.”] [Illustration: =A HOMELY TEST.= _Ethel (reading from book of familiar sayings)._ “‘A MAN AT FORTY IS EITHER A FOOL OR A PHYSICIAN.’ THAT’S RATHER FUNNY, KATE. DADDY IS MORE THAN FORTY, AND HE’S CERTAINLY NOT A PHYSICIAN!”] [Illustration: =AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.= _Waiter (to Colleague)._ “WELL, THEY MAY ’AVE THE INTELLEC’, FRED, BUT WE CERTAINLY ’AS THE GOOD LOOKS!”] [Illustration: =NOTES OF TRAVEL.= _Foreign Husband (whose Wife is going to remain longer)._ “GIF ME TWO DICKETS. VON FOR ME TO COME BACK, AND VON FOR MY VIFE NOT TO COME BACK!”] [Illustration: =SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A.= “BUT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEE THE PRESIDENT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM FOR?” “I WANT TO SHOW HIM EXACTLY WHERE I WANT MY PICTURE HUNG.”] [Illustration: =FROM DOTTYVILLE.= _Lunatic (suddenly popping his head over wall)._ “WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?” _Brown._ “FISHING.” _Lunatic._ “CAUGHT ANYTHING?” _Brown._ “NO.” _Lunatic._ “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?” _Brown._ “SIX HOURS.” _Lunatic._ “_COME INSIDE!_”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER FROM DOTTYVILLE.= _Harmless Lunatic (who is occasionally allowed out with a pop-gun)._ “OH, I SAY, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CATCH A RABBIT?” _Nervous Stranger._ “_NO_, I DON’T.” _Harmless Lunatic._ “WELL, YOU JUST GET BEHIND THE HEDGE AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE A TURNIP!”] [Illustration: =JAM SATIS.= _Commissionaire._ “WOULD YOU LIKE A FOUR-WHEELER OR A ’ANSOM, SIR?” _Convivial Party (indistinctly)._ “VER’ MUSH OBLIGE--BUT--REELY DON’T THINK I _COULD_ TAKE ’NY MORE!”] [Illustration: =PETTICOAT LANE.=] [Illustration: =FELINE IMPRESSIONS.= _Chemist (to battered female, who is covered with scratches)._ “THE CAT, I SUPPOSE?” _Battered Female._ “NO. ANOTHER LYDY!”] [Illustration: =AN AWAKENING.= “I SAY, ’ARRY, DON’T WE LOOK FRIGHTS?”] [Illustration: =POOR LETTER H.= _Tenor (singing)._ “OH, ’APPY, ’APPY, ’APPY BE THY DREAMS----” _Professor._ “STOP, STOP! WHY DON’T YOU SOUND THE H?” _Tenor._ “IT DON’T GO NO ’IGHER THAN G!”] [Illustration: =DISADVANTAGES OF PERFORMING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE IN THE WASP SEASON.= (_Just in the most important passage, too._)] [Illustration: =ART IN WHITECHAPEL.= “WELL, THAT’S WHAT I CALLS A HIMPOSSIBLE PERSITION TO GET YERSELF INTO!”] [Illustration: =THE NATIONAL SPORTING CLUB, LONDON.=] [Illustration: =FLIPPANCY.= _Serious Old Party._ “EH, BUT THIS IS A WICKED WORLD!” _Flippant Individual._ “YOU ARE RIGHT, MRS. MUMBLE. FOR MY PART, I SHALL BE QUITE SATISFIED IF I GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!”] [Illustration: =A REJOINDER.= ’_Arry (whose “Old Dutch” has been shopping, and has kept him waiting a considerable time)._ “WOT D’YER MEAN, KEEPIN’ ME STANDIN’ ABAAT ’ERE LIKE A BLOOMIN’ FOOL?” ’_Arriet._ “_I_ CAN’T ’ELP THE WAY YER STAND, ’ARRY!”] [Illustration: =AN INJURED INNOCENT.= _Minister’s Wife._ “TOMMY CROWTHER, YOU HAVEN’T WASHED YOUR FACE TO-DAY!” _Tommy Crowther._ “’TAIN’T _SUNDAY_!”] [Illustration: =NOTES FROM MR. PUNCH’S FOREIGN SKETCH-BOOK.= FEEDING THE PIGEONS AT ST. MARK’S SQUARE, VENICE.] [Illustration: =CRITICS FROM THE QUARTIER LATIN.= _First Student._ “QUANT À MOI, JE RECONNAIS SURTOUT LA MANQUE MERVEILLEUSE D’EXPRESSION QUI DÉNOTE UN VRAI MAÎTRE!”] [Illustration: =’ARRY IN ’OLLAND.= _’Arry._ “I SAY, BILL, AIN’T HE A RUM-LOOKIN’ COVE?”] [Illustration: =MISTRUST.= _Gran’pa Macpherson._ “HOW MANY DOES TWO AND TWO MAKE, DONALD?” _Donald._ “SIX.” _Gran’pa._ “WHAT ARE YE TALKING ABOUT? TWO AND TWO MAKE FOUR.” _Donald._ “YES, I KNOW; BUT I THOUGHT YOU’D ’BEAT ME DOWN’ A BIT!”] [Illustration: =AN UNEXPECTED REPLY.= _Father O’Flynn._ “AND NOW, PAT MURPHY, IN THIS SEASON OF LENT, WHAT IS IT YE’LL DO BY WAY OF PENANCE?” _Pat Murphy._ “SURE, THEN, I’LL--I’LL COME AN’ HEAR YOUR RIVERANCE PRAYCHE!”] [Illustration: “=THE GREY MARE.=” _Scrumble._ “BEEN TO SEE THE OLD MASTERS?” _Stippleton (who has married money)._ “NO. FACT IS“--(_sotto voce_)--”I’VE GOT QUITE ENOUGH ON MY HANDS WITH THE OLD MISSUS!”] [Illustration: =AT A GARDEN PARTY= _Lady Vere de Vere (to distinguished foreigner)._ “YOU _MUST_ EXCUSE ME. I KNOW IT’S AWFULLY SILLY OF ME. I KNOW YOUR NAME SO WELL, BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER YOUR FACE!”] [Illustration: =THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.= _Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific Bachelor Dinner, where “the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn” has been warmly discussed)._ “WHERE AM I? LETSH SHEE--(_considering_)--EARTH’S GOT _ONE_ MOON. MARS’S GOT FIVE MOO--JUP’TUSH NINE--I SHEE TWO MOONS. THEN--_WHERE_ AM I?”] [Illustration: =CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.= _Cabby (to Gent who has been dining out)._ “’ERE Y’ARE, SIR. THIS IS YOUR ’OUSE--GET OUT--BE CAREFUL, SIR--’ERE’S THE STEP.” _Gent._ “YESH! THASH ALLRI, BUT WERSH MY _FEET_?”] [Illustration: =MALAPROPOS.= _Mrs. Snobson (who is doing a little slumming for the first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to commence conversation)._ “_TOWN VERY EMPTY!_”] [Illustration: =OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR.= “’ERE Y’ARE! ALL THE JOLLY FUN! LIDIES’ TORMENTORS TWO A PENNY!”] [Illustration: =CONVINCING.=] [Illustration: =OVERHEARD ON THE STEPS OF THE ARMY AND NAVY STORES.= _Commissionaire._ “UNIFORMS? TOP FLOOR, SIR!”] [Illustration: =EUREKA!= PORTRAIT OF A CALCULATING GENTLEMAN (NOT AT ALL A BAD-LOOKING CHAP) WHO HAS SOLVED THE PROBLEM AS TO WHETHER WE ARE IN THE NINETEENTH OR TWENTIETH CENTURY.] [Illustration: =A SOLILOQUY.= _Tragedian._ “CHEAP! HA, HA! WHY IN MY TIME THEY _THREW_ THEM AT US!”] [Illustration: =A BREEZY CUSTOMER.= “SHAVE, OR HAIR CUT, SIR?” “_CORNS_, YOU FOOL!”] [Illustration: =A MISUNDERSTANDING.= _Old Maid._ “IS THIS A SMOKING COMPARTMENT, YOUNG MAN?” _Obliging Passenger._ “NO, MUM. ’IGHER UP!”] [Illustration: =GRAPHIC.= “YER KNOW, THEM BOERS ’AS BIN STORIN’ GUNS AND HAMBITION FOR YEARS!”] [Illustration: =HARD LINES.= “JUST MY LUCK! THIS SORT OF THING ALWAYS HAPPENS JUST WHEN I’M INVITED TO A PARTY!”] [Illustration: =FROM ERIN’S ISLE.= “SURE, TERENCE, IF YEZ GO TO THE FRONT, KAPE AT THE BACK, OR YE’LL BE KILT. OI KNOW UT!” “FAITH, AN’ ISN’T THAT THE WAY OI GET MY LIVIN’?”] [Illustration: =MAFEKING NIGHT.= (_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_.) _Voice (from above)._ “GOOD GRACIOUS, WILLIAM! WHY _DON’T_ YOU COME TO BED?” _William (huskily)._ “MY DEAR MARIA, YOU KNOW IT’S BEEN THE RULE OF MY LIFE TO GO TO BED SHOBER--AND I CAN’T POSH’BLY COME TO BED YET!”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT.= _Little Effie (not at all inclined to go to sleep--to Nurse who is about to switch off the electric light)._ “OH, PLEASE, NANNA, _DON’T TURN ON THE DARK_!”] [Illustration: =AN ARTLESS QUERY.= _Mamma._ “TO-MORROW’S CHRISTMAS DAY, EFFIE DEAR, AND YOU WILL GO TO CHURCH FOR THE _FIRST_ TIME.” (_Encouragingly._) “THERE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC----” _Effie._ “OH, MUMMY DEAR, MAY I _DANCE_?”] [Illustration: =NOT A WATER DRINKER.= _Talkative Old Lady (drinking a glass of Milk, to enthusiastic Teetotaler, who is doing ditto)._ “YES, SIR, SINCE THEY’RE BEGUN POISONING THE BEER, _WE MUST_ DRINK _SOMETHING_, MUSTN’T WE?”] [Illustration: =A CONNOISSEUR.= _Old Lady (giving a very diminutive nip of Whisky to her Gardener)._ “THERE, DENNIS, THAT WHISKY IS TWENTY YEARS OLD!” _Dennis._ “IS IT _THAT_, MARM? SURE ’TIS _MIGHTY SMALL FOR ITS AGE!_”] [Illustration: =ON THE VILLAGE GREEN.= _Amateur Bowler (to Umpire)._ “HERE, I SAY! I CAN’T SEE THE WICKET. HOW CAN I BOWL HIM?” _Umpire_. “FIRE AWAY! IF YOU ’IT ’IM IN _FRONT_, IT’S ‘LEG BEFORE.’ IF YOU ’IT ’IM _BEHIND_, IT’S A ‘WIDE’!”] [Illustration: =”AN ENGLISHMAN’S HOUSE,” &c.= _Maid (looking over wall, to newly-married couple just returned from their honeymoon)._ “OH, PLEASE ’M, THAT DOG WAS SENT HERE YESTERDAY AS A WEDDING PRESENT; AND NONE OF US CAN’T GO NEAR HIM. YOU’LL HAVE TO COME IN BY THE BACK WAY!”] [Illustration: =SELF-SATISFIED.= _Little Griggs (to caricaturist)._ “BY JOVE, OLD FELLER, I WISH YOU’D BEEN WITH ME THIS MORNING; YOU’D HAVE SEEN SUCH A FUNNY LOOKING CHAP!”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER MR. WELLER.= _Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat)._ “ALLOW ME, SIR.” _Stout Party._ “NO, DON’T TROUBLE! THIS IS THE ONLY EXERCISE I EVER TAKE!”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER FROM IRELAND.= _Mrs. O’Brady._ “SHURE OI WANT TO BANK TWINTY POUNDS. CAN I DRAW IT OUT QUICK IF I WANT IT?” _Postmaster._ “INDADE, MRS. O’BRADY, YOU CAN DRAW IT OUT TO-MORROW IF YOU GIVE ME A WAKE’S NOTICE!”] [Illustration: =VANITAS.= _Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ “YUS, AND THERE’S ANOTHER HADVANTAGE IN BEIN’ A HACTRESS. YOU GET YER FORTYGRAPHS TOOK FOR NOFFINK!”] [Illustration: =BROTHERS IN ART.= _New Arrival._ “WHAT SHOULD I CHARGE FOR TEACHING ZE PIANOFORTE?” _Old Stager._ “OH, I DON’T KNOW.” _N. A._ “VELL, TELL ME VOT _YOU_ CHARGE.” _O. S._ “_I_ CHARGE FIVE GUINEAS A LESSON.” _N. A._ “HIMMEL! HOW MANY PUPILS HAVE YOU GOT?” _O. S._ “OH, I HAVE NO PUPILS!”] [Illustration: =THE NEW PLAY.= _Low Comedian._ “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTICE?” _Tragedian._ “NO; IS IT A GOOD ONE?” _Low Comedian._ “IT’S A FORTNIGHT’S.”] [Illustration: =QUITE ANOTHER THING.= _Conversationalist._ “DO YOU PLAY PING-PONG?” _Actor._ “NO. I PLAY _HAMLET_!”] [Illustration: =A BIG ORDER.= _Stout Party (to waitress)._ “PUT ME ON A PANCAKE, PLEASE!”] [Illustration: =INDIRECT ORATION.= “OH, IF YOU PLEASE, MUM, THERE’S NO MEAT FOR DINNER. THE BUTCHER AS BEEN AND GONE AND NEVER COME THIS MORNING!”] [Illustration: =BEGINNING EARLY.= “THAT NEW BOY’S A BAD BOY, TEACHER. HE SMOKES!” “NO, I DON’T SMOKE _NOW_, TEACHER. I _USED_ TO!”] [Illustration: =CANDID.= _Loafer._ “ANY CHANCE OF A JOB O’ WORK ERE, MISTER?” _Foreman._ “NO. WE’RE NOT WANTING ANY MORE HANDS NOW.” _Loafer._ “WELL, THE LITTLE BIT O’ WORK _I_’D DO WOULDN’T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE!”] [Illustration: =A DIFFERENT VIEW.= _First Workman._ “WHY DON’T YER BUY YER _OWN_ MATCHES, STEAD OF ALWAYS CADGIN’ MINE?” _Second Workman._ “YOU’RE UNCOMMON MEAN WITH YER MATCHES. I’LL JUST TAKE A FEW“--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--”AND BE HINDERPENDENT OF YER!”] [Illustration: =PARADOXICAL.= _Manager of “Freak” Show._ “HAVE I GOT A VACANCY FOR A GIANT. WHY, YOU DON’T LOOK FIVE FEET!” _Candidate._ “YES, THAT’S JUST IT. I’M THE SMALLEST GIANT ON RECORD!”] [Illustration: =DOTTYVILLE AGAIN.= _Dotty One (to gorgeous visitor, mysteriously)._ “EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS A BIT OF TOAST ABOUT YOU?” _Gorgeous Visitor._ “GREAT SCOTT! NO! WHY SHOULD I CARRY _TOAST_ ABOUT WITH ME? AND, BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?” _Dotty One (more mysteriously)._ “I’M A _POACHED EGG_, AND I’M TIRED. I WANT TO SIT DOWN!”] [Illustration: =AWKWARD.= BULL-DOGS _DO_ GET _SO_ ATTACHED TO PEOPLE!] [Illustration: =AN UNPOPULAR IDOL!= HOW BILLY AND HIS SUNDAY-SCHOOLMATES INTEND TO WREAK THEIR VENGEANCE, IF ONLY A SNOW-STORM BE PROPITIOUS ON THE EMBANKMENT SOME SUNDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT CHRISTMAS-TIME.] [Illustration: =AN EMPTY EMBRACE.= “‘ERE Y’ARE! HUMBERELLA RINGS, TWO A PENNY!”] [Illustration: =OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT.= “HULLO, GUS! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ABOUT HERE FOR?” “I’M WAITING TILL THE BANKS CLOSE. I WANT TO CASH A CHEQUE!”] [Illustration: =UNEXPECTED EFFECT.= _Snooks (who fancies himself very much)._ “WHAT’S SHE CRYING FOR?” _Arabella._ “IT’S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SHE WAS FRIGHTENED. WHEN SHE SAW _YOU_ SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A _MAN_!”] [Illustration: =RECKONING HIM UP.= _Old Lady (describing a cycling accident)._ “’E ELPED ME HUP, AN’ BRUSHED THE DUST OFF ON ME, AN’ PUT FIVE SHILLIN’ IN MY ’AND, AN’ SO I SAYS, ‘WELL, SIR, I’M SURE YOU’RE _HACTIN’_ LIKE A GENTLEMAN,’ I SAYS, ‘THOUGH I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU ARE ONE,’ I SAYS.”] [Illustration: =SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED.= “THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM.” _Hamlet_, Act III., Sc. 1.] [Illustration: =SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED.= “OH, MY PROPHETIC SOUL! MY UNCLE!” _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.] [Illustration: =DECISIVE.= _Impecunious One (halting abruptly)._ “I BEG PARDON, SIR.” _The Accosted (moving off abruptly)._ “GRANTED. DON’T BEG ANYTHING ELSE!”] [Illustration: =AMENITIES OF THE PROFESSION.= _Rising Young Dramatist._ “SAW YOUR WIFE IN FRONT LAST NIGHT. WHAT DID SHE THINK OF MY NEW COMEDY?” _Brother Playwright._ “OH, I THINK SHE LIKED IT. SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD A GOOD LAUGH.” _R. Y. D._ “AH--ER--WHEN WAS THAT?” _B. P._ “DURING THE _ENTR’ACTE_. ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS DROPPED AN ICE DOWN HER NEIGHBOUR’S NECK.”] [Illustration: =BROWN’S COUNTRY HOUSE.--No. 1.= _Brown (who takes a friend home to see his new purchase, and strikes a light to show it)._ “CONFOUND IT, THE BEASTLY THING’S STOPPED!”] [Illustration: =BROWN’S COUNTRY HOUSE--No. 2.= _Visitor._ “WHAT ON _EARTH_ DO YOU WANT WITH A TORTOISE?” _Mrs. Brown._ “WELL, WHEN FRED HAD THAT FRIGHTFUL ACCIDENT WITH HIS NEW MOTOR-CAR, HE SOLD IT, AND BOUGHT THE TORTOISE. SAYS IT SOOTHES HIS NERVES!”] [Illustration: =THE NEW ACT AGAIN!= _Careful Publican (to Chimney-sweep)._ “‘ERE, I CAN’T SERVE _YOU_! GO AND WASH YERSELF. I CAN’T SEE YER FACE! ’OW AM I TO KNOW AS YER NOT ON THE BLACK LIST?”] [Illustration:!!!! _Estate Agent (to Labourer’s Son)._ “HERE, MY BOY, WHERE CAN I FIND YOUR FATHER?” _Boy._ “IN THE PIG-STYE, SIR. YOU’LL KNOW HIM BY ’IS BROWN ’AT!”] [Illustration: =READY FOR THE FRAY.=] [Illustration: =AN ECHO FROM BROADWAY.= _Old Lady._ “YES--MADAM ’AS BIN A DEAR GOOD SOUL TO US POOR PEOPLE THIS COLD WEATHER. IF IT ’ADN’T ’AVE BIN FOR ’ER, SOME OF US OLD ONES WOULD ’AVE BIN NIPPED IN THE BUD!”] [Illustration: =SMART.= _Jones._ “DO YOU DRINK BETWEEN MEALS?” _Smith._ “NO. I EAT BETWEEN DRINKS.” _Jones._ “WHICH DID YOU DO LAST?” _Smith._ “DRINK.” _Jones._ “THEN WE’D BETTER GO AND HAVE A SANDWICH AT ONCE!”] [Illustration: =QUITE OF HER OPINION.= _Gushing Young Woman (to famous Actor)._ “OH, DO YOU KNOW, MR. STARLEIGH, I’M SIMPLY _MAD_ TO GO ON THE STAGE!” _Famous Actor._ “YES, I SHOULD THINK YOU _WOULD_ BE, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY!”] [Illustration: =THE GENIAL SEASON.= _Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation)._ “SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!” _Fat Chap (evidently doing well)._ “WRONG AGAIN, OLD MAN. I’M ENJOYING MY DINNER!”] [Illustration: =SO LIKELY!= SCENE--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ _Barmaid._ “TEA, SIR?” _Mr. Boozy._ “TEA!!! ME!!!!”] [Illustration: =A EUPHEMISM.= _Coster (to acquaintance, who has been away for some months)._ “WOT ARE YER BIN DOIN’ ALL THIS TIME?” _Bill Robbins (who has been “doing time”)._ “OH, I’VE BIN WHEELIN’ A BIT, OLE MAN--WHEELIN’ A BIT!”] [Illustration: =RATHER DIFFICULT FOR HIM.= _Jones._ “I AM NEVER AT A LOSS IN CONVERSATION.” _His Fair Hostess._ “BUT SURELY, MR. JONES, THERE MUST BE _SOME_ SUBJECTS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?” _Jones._ “OH, _THEN_--I SAY NOTHING, AND LOOK INTELLIGENT.”] [Illustration: =THE RULING PASSION.= _Genial Doctor (after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient’s)._ “HA! HA! HA! THERE’S NOT MUCH THE MATTER WITH _YOU_! THOUGH I DO BELIEVE THAT IF YOU WERE ON YOUR DEATH-BED YOU’D MAKE A JOKE!” _Irrepressible Patient._ “WHY, OF COURSE I SHOULD. IT WOULD BE MY LAST CHANCE!”] [Illustration: =TIT FOR TAT.= _Eccentric Old Gent (whose pet aversion is a dirty child)._ “GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY GIRL, AND WASH YOUR FACE!” _Indignant Youngster._ “_YOU_ GO ’OME, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN, AND DO YER ’AIR!”] [Illustration: =ALL THE DIFFERENCE.= “OI BE EIGHTY-FOIVE, ZUR.” “DEAR ME! YOU DON’T LOOK IT. AND HOW OLD IS YOUR WIFE?” “OH, SHE BE EIGHTY-FOIVE TOO. BUT SHE’VE LOOKED IT FER THE LAST FOWRTY YEAR!”] [Illustration: =STRONG LANGUAGE.= _It is necessary in some parts of Ireland for carmen to have their names legibly written on the tailboard of the car._ _Inspector._ “WHAT’S THE MEANIN’ OF THIS, PAT? YOUR NAME’S O-BLITERATED.” _Pat._ “YE LIE--IT’S O’BRIEN!”] [Illustration: =SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED.= “TEDIOUS AS A TWICE-TOLD TALE, VEXING THE DULL EAR OF A DROWSY MAN.” _King John_, Act III., Sc. 4.] *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHIL MAY: SKETCHES FROM "PUNCH." *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.