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                        HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL

                               PHIL MAY

                       [Illustration: colophon]

                                LONDON:

               “PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C.

[Illustration: PHIL MAY--By Himself.]

Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H.
H. Spielmann, the ownder of the original drawings.

[Illustration: “AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW!”

“That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it
ain’t like her a bit in Private!”]

[Illustration:

PREACHING AND PRACTISING.

_Lady Bountiful_ (_to old Parishioner_). “I hope you like our New
Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?”

_Mrs. Brown_: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then,
you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the
Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come
so very expensive!”]

[Illustration: “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER.”

“All right, Sir! My fault!”]

[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.

“Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I
with him?”]

[Illustration: “Penny ’Addick.” “Finen?” “No; thick ’un!”]

[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY.

“’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?”

“Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t
know what they wants!”]

[Illustration: BLASÉ

_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). “‘Once upon a time there was a
frog----’”

_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!”]

[Illustration: CRUEL!

_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). “Are you Dining
anywhere to-morrow night?”

_Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely “give himself away”_). “Let me
see”--(_considers_)--“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.”

_Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). “Um! Poor chap! How
Hungry you will be!”

[“_Exeunt,--severally_.”]]

[Illustration: “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.”

“’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow
on it cos she’s got Company!”]

[Illustration: Q. E. D.

“Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!”]

[Illustration: OF VITAL IMPORTANCE.

“Hi, Billie! _’Ere’s_ Cheap Gloves!”]

[Illustration: AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION.

“You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m
goin’ to a Party!”]

[Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.

’_Arry_ (_shouting across the street to his “Pal”_) “Hi! Bill! This is
’er!”]

[Illustration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY.

_First ’Arry_: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d
if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!”

_Second ’Arry_: (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). “Do awy with
the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy
with the Lidies!”]

[Illustration: THE PLUNGER.

_First Boy_ _(much interested in the game of Buttons_). “’As ’e lost?”

_Second Ditto_. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy
Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and
’e’s lost them too!”]

[Illustration: _Superior ’Arry_. “Cabbie! To the--aw--the Prince of
Wales’s.”

_Cabbie_-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?”]

[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON.

_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). “So glad to
see you enjoying yourself!”

_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying
my Dinner!”]

[Illustration: “Look what I’ve bought you for a Christmas Box!”]

[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT.

_Serious and much-Married Man_. “My dear Friend, I _was_ astonished to
hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a ‘Woman with a Past’ you
know!”

_The Friend_ (_Bachelor “unattached”_). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s
got a first-rate _Chef_, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I
care about.”]

[Illustration: Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific
but well-deserved kick). “Dud you man thot?”

_Colonel McMurder_. “Yis, oi _dud_, you thunderin’ villain!”

_Editor_. “Oh, very well, thot’s all _roight_. Oi t’ought it moight av
been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”!]

[Illustration: “Hi, Billy! are yer Movin’?”]

[Illustration: SO LIKELY!

Scene--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._

_Barmaid_. “Tea, Sir?” _Mr. Boozy_. “Tea!!! ME!!!!”]

[Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY.

“Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?”

“Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!”]

[Illustration: _First Boy_. “Give us a Bite of your Apple, Bob.”

_Second Boy_. “Shan’t.”

_First Boy_. “What for?”

_Second Boy_. “’Cos yer axed me!”

(_After a pause._)

_Small Boy_. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!”]

[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.]

[Illustration: MAY 1. THE SWEEPS’ FESTIVAL.

A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare.]

[Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has
been away for a couple of weeks_). “Your ’Air is very thin be’ind, Sir.
Try Singeing!”

_Jones_ (_after a pause_). “Yes, I think I will.”

_N.A._ (_after singeing_). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.”

_Jones_. “Thank you. Yes.”

_N.A._ “Your Moustaches curled?”

_Jones_. “Please.”

_N.A._ “May I give you a Friction?”

_Jones_. “Thank you.”

_N.A._ “Will you try some of our----”

_Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). “You
Idiot! _He’s_ a Subscriber!!”]

[Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_).
“’Ow much is them Grapes, Mister?”

_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound,
my Lad.”

_Youngster_. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ _Carrots_. I’m a _Demon_
for _Fruit_!”]

[Illustration: _Ragged Urchin_ (_who has just picked up very short and
dirty end of a Cigarette_). “Hi, Billy! Look ’ere! See what you’ve
missed!”]

[Illustration: “_Perfeck Lidy_” (_who has just been ejected_). “Well,
_next_ time I goes into a Publickouse, I’ll go somewhere where I’ll be
_respected_!”]

[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.

_First Gossip_. “So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?”

_Second Gossip_. “Nivver as much as inside t’house. But nobbut wait till
_we_ hev’ a Funeral of us own, an’ _we_’ll show ’em!”]

[Illustration: SO THAT DOESN’T COUNT.

“Are you sure they’re quite Fresh?” “Wot a Question to arst! Can’t yer
see they’re Alive?”

“Yes; but you’re _Alive_, you know!”]

[Illustration: A SUNDAY DINNER.

_Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under
the table_). “Mind t’Dog doesn’t get it!”

_Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). “All right, Feyther! I’ve gotten me
Foot on it!”]

[Illustration: _Workman_ (_politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally
got into the Smoking Compartment_). “You don’ object to my Pipe, I ’ope
Mum?”

_Old Lady_. “Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!”

_Workman_. “Oh! Then out you get!!”]

[Illustration: REASSURING.

“Lor’ bless yer, Sir, that’s all right, Sir! _That_ ain’t a Fly, Sir!
_That’s_ a bit of Dirt!”]

[Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY.

After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.]

[Illustration: MUCH ADO.

“Mumma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We’s crying! Tum up ’tairs an’ see what’s de matter
wiv us!”]

[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE.

_Chorus_ (_slow music_). “We’ve a rare old--fair old--rickety Crew!”]

[Illustration: “_Are_ you comin’ ’ome?”

“I’ll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M’ria--(_hic_)--Bur I _won’t_
come ’ome.”]

[Illustration: _Importunate Street Urchin_ (_for the tenth time_). “Gi’
us a Copper. Sir! Gi’ us a Copper!”

_Testy Individual_ (_losing patience_). “Oh, go to”--(substitutes a
milder form)--“blazes!”

_Street Urchin_. “Sure thin an’ I would in this bastly could weather, if
I was only certain o’ comin’ back again!” [_Individual’s testiness
overcome and Urchin rewarded_.]]

[Illustration: “NICE FOR THE VISITORS.”

(_Sketch Outisde a Fashionable Hotel_.)]

[Illustration: _Coster_ (_to acquaintance, who has been away for some
months_). “Wot are yer bin doin’ all this time?”

_Bill Robbins_ (_who has been “doing time”_). “Oh, I’ve bin Wheelin’ a
bit, Ole Man--Wheelin’ a bit!”]

[Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT.

_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his Box, £20, has been appropriated by “the
Fancy”_). “I beg your pardon, but this is _my_ Box!”

_Bill Basford_. “Oh, is it? Well, why don’t you tike it?”]

[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady_. “Now _don’t_ forget, Conductor. I _want
the Bank of England_.”

_Conductor_. “_All_ right, Mum.” (_Aside_.) “She _don’t_ want _much_, do
she, Mate?”]

[Illustration: INFORMATION.

_First ’Arry_ (_with newspaper_). “I say, ’Arry, you’se a Toff. What’s a
‘Collar Day’ at Court?”

_Second ’Arry_. “Donno ’xactly. Suppose it’s a Saturday when things come
’ome from the Wash.”

_First ’Arry_. “Oh, I see--‘Clean Collar Day’!”]

[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to
posing_). “Will yer want me ter tike my Bun down?”]

[Illustration: “EVERYTHING COMES TO HIM THAT ‘WAITS.’”]

[Illustration: THE HEALING ART.

_Doctor_. “Did you give the Children the Physic I sent last night?”

_Fond Mother_. “Yes, Sir,”

_Doctor_. “And how are they to-day?”

_Fond Mother_. “Well, the little un’s very bad to be sure. But it don’t
seem to ’ave done the t’other un’ no ’Arm as yet!”]

[Illustration: _Bill Sykes_ (_reading_). “There are now ten men of the
Bechuanaland Border Police in the whole Bechuanaland Protectorate, four
of whom are doing Customs Duty.”]

[Illustration: _Street Serio_ (_singing_). “Er--yew will think hov me
and Love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!”]

[Illustration: _Old Jones_. “Yes, my Boy, _there’s_ Wine for you, eh? I
bought Ten Pounds of it the other day.”

_Brown_. “What a _lot_ you must have got!”]

[Illustration: First Newspaper Boy. “Hullo, Bill! Who’s ’e?”

Second Newspaper Boy. “I suppose ’e’s the North Pole as ’as just been
Discovered!”]

[Illustration: “What Bait are yer usin’, Billie?”

“Cheese.”

“What are yer tryin’ ter catch--Mice?”]

[Illustration: A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION.

_Jim_. “What’s this ere ‘Bi-metallism,’ Bill?”

_Bill_ (_of superior intelligence_). “Well, yer see, Jim, it’s heither a
Licensed Wittlers’ or a Teetotal Dodge. The Wages’ll be paid in Silver,
and no more Coppers. So you can’t get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a
Sixpence or a Thrip’ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to
Water like a Duck, or you runs up a score.”

_Jim_. “Ah! But if there ain’t no more Coppers, ’ow about the ’Buses and
the Hunderground Rileway?”

_Bill_ (_profoundly_). “Ah!” [Left sitting.]]

[Illustration: _First Genius to Second Genius_. “Why on Earth do you do
your Hair in that absurd Fashion, Smith?”]

[Illustration: “Oi tell yez Oi will _not_ clane out me Cell. Oi’d lave
the Jail furrst!”]

[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the Bed_. “_No_, I will _not_
come out! I tell you, once and for all.”

Bernesia. “I _will_ be Master in my own House!”]

[Illustration: _Photographer_. “I think this is an excellent Portrait of
your Wife.”

_Mr. Smallweed_. “I don’t know--sort of _repose_ about the mouth that
somehow doesn’t seem right”]

[Illustration: “Where did yer spend yer ’Olidays, Bob?”

“Souf o’ Frarnce, o’ course!”]

[Illustration: HOSPITALITY.

_Spokesman of Working Men’s Club_ (_on the occasion of their Patron’s
first visit_). “And we ’opes, Sir, as this ’ll be _neither_ the _first_ nor
the _last_ time as you’ll dew us the honner of settin’ among us!”]

[Illustration: SO INVITING!]

[Illustration: ’_Bus Conductor_, “Emmersmith! Emmersmith! ’Ere ye are!
Emmersmith!”

’_Liza Ann_. “Oo er yer callin’ Emmer Smith? Sorcy ’ound!”]

[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American, who has been
running down all our National Monuments_). “But even if our Houses of
Parliament ‘aren’t in it,’ as you say, with the Masonic Temple of
Chicago, surely, Sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for
instance----”

_Seedy American_. “Waal, _guess_ I don’t think so durned much of your
Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I
_slep_ on it.”]

[Illustration: “Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his Career in the
Past has not been free from Blemish----”]

[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.

Where to Sup _al fresco_ in the Hottest Weather. The “_Whelkome_ Club.”]

[Illustration: “Tell your Fortune, Pretty Gentleman?”]

[Illustration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ “There is
_no_ First Class by this Train, Sir.”

’_Arry_. “Then wot are _we_ going ter do, Bill?”]

[Illustration: “THE ANCHOR’S WEIGHED.”

(_Sketched on an Excursion Steamer._)]

[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION

_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but inquisitive Lady_). “Well you see, Mum, it
were like this. I were a ’Addick Smoker by profession; then I got ill,
and ’ad to go to the ’Orspital; then I sold Cats’ Meat; but some’ow or
other I got into _low water!_”]

[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY.]

[Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS.

_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.”

_Driver_. “_I_ can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”]

[Illustration: “Poor likkle Doggie--hasn’t got any Fevvers on!”]

[Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS.

_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.”

_Driver_. “I can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”]

[Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE.

_Stout Coster_. “Where are yer goin’ to, Bill?”

_Bill_. “Inter the Country for a nice Drive, bein’ Bank ’Olidy.”

_Stout Coster_. “Same ’ere. I sy! don’t yer think we might swop Misseses
just for a few Hours? It would be so much kinder to the Hanimile!”]

[Illustration: _Sexton_ (_to a Divine, who was spending his holidays in
the country, and who, on the sudden illness of the Village Parson,
volunteered to take the duties_). “A worse Preacher would have done for
us, Sir, _but we couldn’t get one_!”]

[Illustration: ZOOLOGY.

“That’s a Porkypine, Sarah.”

“No, it ain’t, Bill. It’s a Orstridge!”]

[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.]

[Illustration: 79 SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.]

[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.

“Oh, rest you merry Gentleman, May nothing you dismay!”]

[Illustration: “A STUDY IN EXPRESSION.”]






End of Project Gutenberg's Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May