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                         HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES

                               PICTURES

                                  BY

                                 PHIL

                                  MAY


                      HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES, No. 5

                         PICTURES BY PHIL MAY

           Printed by Robert MacLehose and Co. Ltd. Glasgow.


COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: ’APPY ’AMPSTEAD.

“Ere y’are, Lidies’ Tormentors. ‘Two’ n penny!”]




                               PICTURES

                                  BY

                               PHIL MAY

                          GOWANS & GRAY, LTD.

                5 ROBERT STREET, ADELPHI, LONDON, W.C.

                      58 CADOGAN STREET, GLASGOW

                                 1908

                       First Edition, May, 1907.

                 Reprinted, June, 1907, Jamiary, 1908

                         (completing 16,000).

THE Publishers take this opportunity of thanking Messrs. W. Thacker
& Co. for the readiness with which they accorded permission for the
reproduction of, the drawings contained in this little book. They
believe that these examples of Phil May’s work show that inimitable
artist at his best.

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: “I ’ear as you don’t walk hout with ’Arry Smith any
more.” “No, ’e wanted me to meet ’im incandescently, and I wouldn’t do
such a thing, so I chucked ’im.”]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: ’_Arriet_.--“Ow! I s’y, look at ’is bloomin’ ’At.”]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: “Wot’s th’ row up the Court, Bill?”

“Bob Smith was kissing my missus, and ’is old woman caught ’im.]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: ONE EASTER MONDAY.

’_Arriet_ (_watching the funeral of ’Liza_).--“Nice sort of a Bank
’Oliday for ’er, poor dear.”]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: “What price this for Margit.”]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: _Fat Party_ (_after a war of words_).--“If you come
down our court to-morrer and bring a bit o’ fat with yer, I’ll bloomin’
well eat yer.”]

COSTERS AND COCKNEYS

[Illustration: “Ow I s’y, look at ’er frills. Got ’erself hup like a
bloomin’ ’am bone!”]

BROTHER BRUSHES

[Illustration: “Do you want a Muddle. Sir.”]

BROTHER BRUSHES

[Illustration: _First R.A._ (_who hates to be interrupted in his hobby
but is doing his best to be polite_).--“Done any work to-day?”

_Second R.A._--“No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to the
studio and talked all the afternoon,--couldn’t do a stroke of work.
What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your work?”

_First R.A._--“Oh, I go on weeding.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “Come and ’ave a Cup of Tea, Mrs. Malony, it’s the
hanniversary of my Weddin’ Day. I’m sorry my old man won’t be there,
’cos e’s just got a Month for knocking me about.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: FRATERNITY. “(Hic) Can’t help you, ole f’la, but I’ll
sit down with you (hic).”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “Mos’ ’tronary thing! a’most shertain th’ was shome
Coffee in it.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: IT MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL.

_Mrs. Baggs_ (_after receiving tornado of abuse from over the road_).--

“Well, I never ’eard sich Langwidge in all my life. I never was called
sich Names before. Even my own ’usband doesn’t call me s’ch Names.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “By the way, when does your American Tour come off?”

“Oh, not for about a Year.”

“Well, let’s go in here and have a Drink before you go.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: _Urchin_ (_to companion over the way_).--“Ow would
_that_ suit yer, Bill?”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “Did you go to Smith’s burying?”

“Yes, I _did_, an’ a measly affair it was. _Tea_ and Bread and Butter!

I’ve buried two ’usbands, but, thank goodness, I buried ’em both with
Seedy Cake an’ ’Am Sandwiches.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “I want you to take me to St. John’s Wood, Cabbie.”

“All right, sir, but would you mind getting in on the other side so as
the old horse don’t see yer.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “I don’t so much mind your sneaking my Pewters, but
when it comes to bringing ’em back in the shape of ’arf crowns it’s a
bit too much.”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: _Bill Snooks_ (_reading from a fashion paper_).--“‘To
be really well dressed a man’s clothes should have the appearance of
having been worn once or twice.’ What _O_!”]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: “What’s ’e done, Guv’nor?]

IN THE BARS AND STREETS

[Illustration: (Hic!) Jacet.]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _The Mayor of Middle Wallop_ (_who is interested in the
decoration of new theatre_).--“Oo’s that gentleman you’re painting?”

_Artist_.--“That is William Shakespeare.”

_The M. of M. W_.--“’As ’e ever done anything for Middle Wallop?”

_Artist_.--“No, Sir, not that I’m aware of.”

_The M. of M. W._--“Then paint ’im out and paint ME in.”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _Bailiff_ (_who has been well treated and settled
with_).--“Well, good-bye, sir. See you again ‘soon,’ sir, I ’ope!”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: “Nuts for the Monkeys, Sir?”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _American Million Heiress_.--“And have you _really_ got
a coronet?”

_Lord Hardup_.--“Well--ah--yes--at least--I mean--I’ve got the ticket.”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _Visitor to Lunatic Asylum_.--“Is that Clock right?”

_The Dotty One_.--“O course it ain’t, or it wouldn’t be _here_”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _Visitor to Lunatic Asylum which is undergoing
structural improvements_ (_to harmless lunatic who is extremely busy
wheeling barrow upside down_).--“You ought to turn that barrow the
other way up!”

_Harmless Lunatic_ (_knowingly_).--“I did yesterday, _but_ they put
_Bricks_ in it.”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: DOTTYVILLE.

_Inmate to new arrival_.--“What, _you_ mad _too_? _So_ glad.”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _Condoling Friend_ (_to recently Bereaved
Widower_).--“It must be awfully hard to lose one’s Wife.”

_The Bereaved_--“Yes,---- it’s almost _impossible_”]

STUDIES AND SKETCHES

[Illustration: _Wife_ (_to Lion Tamer who has been out late_),--“You
Coward!”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: _Sol Jacobs_ (_to his friend the proprietor of the boat
who has fallen overboard, and has come to the surface for the second
time_).--“I thay, Ikey, if yer don’t come up again may I keep the
Boat?”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: “What ’ave you got in dem boddles, Ikey?”

“Dem ain’t boddles, dem’s fire extinguishers.”

“Garn, you ain’t afraid of a bit of a fire.”

“No, but I gets ten per cent, off the Insurance Company for having dem
about.”

“What’s in ’em.”

“I don’t know what _was_ in ’em but there’s _kerosene_ in ’em now!”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: “I must congratulate you, Mothes, dot vos a grandt fire
of yours last Tuesday.”

“Vat yer mean?--Not _last_ Tuesday, _next_ Tuesday.”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: _Moses_ (_generously_).--“’Ave a Thigar, Ikey?”

_Ikey_ (_suspiciously_).--“Vat’s the matter vith it?”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: “Good Morning, Miss Voss.”

“My name is not Voss. It never Voss and never vill be.”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: _Solomon_ (who has had a terriffic bang on the nose
from his friend).--

“Do it again. Do it again. I can thee Diamonts!!!”]

WITHIN AND WITHOUT THE GHETTO

[Illustration: “Father, I’ve thwallered a thoverign, and how am I to
make the books balance? You thee, I’m a pound in and a pound out.”]

AMONG THE THESPIANS

[Illustration: IN A GARRISON TOWN.

_First Loafer to Second Ditto_ (_as our friends from the Circus pass
by_).--“Officers!”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: THE GAME OF “BUTTONS.”

_Winner_ (_to the ruined one_).--“Well, dash it all, old man, it you
_will_ go in for this sort of thing you must _expect_ to lose a Button
or two.”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: _Uncle John_.--“Well, Bobby, how did you manage to get
out so soon?”

_Bobby_.--“Leg before, Uncle.”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: “YOU NEVER KNOW YOUR LUCK.”

“Hi! come back, yer Silly! Do yer want to spile yer Luck?”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: “My Father ’e once caught a Fish as big--as our Street!”

“Well, then, it must ’ave bin a _Whale_”

“Garn, ’e were baitin’ wi’ _Whales_!”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: “Why don’t we have Open-Air Cafés? So pleasant to take
one’s refreshment in the open air.”--(_Vide newspapers._)]

[Illustration: WITH THE CHILDREN

“Do you want a errand boy?”

“No.”

“Yus you do, yours ’as just been runned over.”]

WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: “Don’t ’e make a gawd of ’is Stummick? Why, that’s the
_second_ a’porth I’ve seed ’im ’ave this mornin’!”]

BY THE SEA

[Illustration: “You Naughty Boy, you’ll fall over!”]

BY THE SEA

[Illustration: ----!----!----!]

BY THE SEA

[Illustration: “’Taint so long ago, Willium, since you an’ me was the
dandies of Deal!”]

BY THE SEA

[Illustration: _Scene--Scarboro’._ _Time--Sunday morning_. _Very
muddy._ _Inhabitant_--“Be thoo a _strong_ mon?”

_Amateur weight-lifter_ (_rather proud that his fame has spread so
far_).--“Well, yes, my friend. I do a little in that way.”

_Inhabitant._--“I’ll lay thee a fiver, I’ll put thee on thy back in t’
muck.”]

ON THE COUNTRY SIDE

[Illustration: _Lodging-House Keeper_ (_to Professional
Lady_).--“Which my ’usband, Miss, is one of the Virgins at the
Cathedral!”]

ON THE COUNTRY SIDE

[Illustration: “I heard as how you’ve been fighting with Bob Smith?”

“Yus. He said my Sister was cross-eyed.”

“But you haven’t got a Sister?”

“I know that. It was the Principle o’ the thing that upset Me.”]

ON THE COUNTRY SIDE

[Illustration: _Stout Party._--“And can’t I get to X ---- without
walking?”

_Porter._--“Well, there’s the Coal Train, Mum.”

_Stout Party._--“How Much will it cost Me?”

_Porter._--“Seven Shillings a Ton!”]

ON THE COUNTRY SIDE

[Illustration: “Have you got change for a Threepenny-piece, Adolphus?
I want to give the Porter a gratuity.”]

SPORTING SKETCHES

[Illustration: “Hullo, old chap, you look as if you’d had Sport! In at
the Kill?”

“Well, _no_. I was in at the Ditch and in at the River. We can’t expect
to be in every where.”]