PICTURES

BY

P H I L   M A Y

“I ’ear as you don’t walk hout with ’Arry Smith any more.”

“No, ’e wanted me to meet ’im incandescently, and I wouldn’t do such a thing, so I chucked ’im.”

“Wot’s th’ row up the Court, Bill?”

“Bob Smith was kissing my missus, and ’is old woman caught ’im.

First R.A. (who hates to be interrupted in his hobby but is doing his best to be polite).—“Done any work to-day?”

Second R.A.—“No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to the studio and talked all the afternoon,—couldn’t do a stroke of work. What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your work?”

First R.A.—“Oh, I go on weeding.”

Mrs. Baggs (after receiving tornado of abuse from over the road).—

“Well, I never ’eard sich Langwidge in all my life. I never was called sich Names before. Even my own ’usband doesn’t call me s’ch Names.”

“By the way, when does your American Tour come off?”

“Oh, not for about a Year.”

“Well, let’s go in here and have a Drink before you go.”

“Did you go to Smith’s burying?”

“Yes, I did, an’ a measly affair it was. Tea and Bread and Butter!

I’ve buried two ’usbands, but, thank goodness, I buried ’em both with Seedy Cake an’ ’Am Sandwiches.”

“I want you to take me to St. John’s Wood, Cabbie.”

“All right, sir, but would you mind getting in on the other side so as the old horse don’t see yer.”

The Mayor of Middle Wallop (who is interested in the decoration of new theatre).—“Oo’s that gentleman you’re painting?”

Artist.—“That is William Shakespeare.”

The M. of M. W.—“’As ’e ever done anything for Middle Wallop?”

Artist.—“No, Sir, not that I’m aware of.”

The M. of M. W.—“Then paint ’im out and paint Me in.”

American Million Heiress.—“And have you really got a coronet?”

Lord Hardup.—“Well—ah—yes—at least—I mean—I’ve got the ticket.”

Visitor to Lunatic Asylum.—“Is that Clock right?”

The Dotty One.—“O course it ain’t, or it wouldn’t be here”

Visitor to Lunatic Asylum which is undergoing structural improvements (to harmless lunatic who is extremely busy wheeling barrow upside down).—“You ought to turn that barrow the other way up!”

Harmless Lunatic (knowingly).—“I did yesterday, but they put Bricks in it.”

Condoling Friend (to recently Bereaved Widower).—“It must be awfully hard to lose one’s Wife.”

The Bereaved—“Yes,—— it’s almost impossible”

“What ’ave you got in dem boddles, Ikey?”

“Dem ain’t boddles, dem’s fire extinguishers.”

“Garn, you ain’t afraid of a bit of a fire.”

“No, but I gets ten per cent, off the Insurance Company for having dem about.”

“What’s in ’em.”

“I don’t know what was in ’em but there’s kerosene in ’em now!”

“I must congratulate you, Mothes, dot vos a grandt fire of yours last Tuesday.”

“Vat yer mean?—Not last Tuesday, next Tuesday.”

Moses (generously).—“’Ave a Thigar, Ikey?”

Ikey (suspiciously).—“Vat’s the matter vith it?”

“Good Morning, Miss Voss.”

“My name is not Voss. It never Voss and never vill be.”

Uncle John.—“Well, Bobby, how did you manage to get out so soon?”

Bobby.—“Leg before, Uncle.”

“Do you want a errand boy?”

“No.”

“Yus you do, yours ’as just been runned over.”

Scene—Scarboro’. Time—Sunday morning. Very muddy. Inhabitant—“Be thoo a strong mon?”

Amateur weight-lifter (rather proud that his fame has spread so far).—“Well, yes, my friend. I do a little in that way.”

Inhabitant.—“I’ll lay thee a fiver, I’ll put thee on thy back in t’ muck.”

“I heard as how you’ve been fighting with Bob Smith?”

“Yus. He said my Sister was cross-eyed.”

“But you haven’t got a Sister?”

“I know that. It was the Principle o’ the thing that upset Me.”

Stout Party.—“And can’t I get to X —— without walking?”

Porter.—“Well, there’s the Coal Train, Mum.”

Stout Party.—“How Much will it cost Me?”

Porter.—“Seven Shillings a Ton!”

“Hullo, old chap, you look as if you’d had Sport! In at the Kill?”

“Well, no. I was in at the Ditch and in at the River. We can’t expect to be in every where.”