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                             HELIOGABALUS




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                             HELIOGABALUS

                     _A BUFFOONERY IN THREE ACTS_

                       _by_ H. L. MENCKEN _and_
                          GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

  [Illustration]

    _NEW YORK_     ALFRED · A · KNOPF     _MCMXX_




                          COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY

                          H. L. MENCKEN _and_
                          GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

    All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign
                languages, including the Scandinavian.


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                           DRAMATIS PERSONÆ


    VARIUS AVITUS BASSIANUS
      HELIOGABALUS:                 _Emperor of Rome_.
    PAULA:                          _His senior wife_.
    ANNIA FAUSTINA:             }
    CÆLESTIS:                   }
    AQUILIA SEVERA:             }   _Junior wives_.
    ALINIA:                     }
    DACIA:                      }
    LUCIA THE GALATIAN:             _A Christian maiden_.
    SIMON OF CAPPADOCIA:            _A Christian clergyman_.
    CAIUS MACRINUS:                 _Commander of the Western fleet_.
    POLORUS:                        _A physician_.
    PISO:                           _A physician_.
    RUFINIUS:                       _Major-domo to_ HELIOGABALUS.
    HECATUS:                        _A Greek_.
    CORNELIA METELLI:               _A public woman_.
    LUCIUS MACEDONICUS:             _A pickpocket_.


   _Army Officers, Imperial Guards, Additional Wives of the Emperor,
                     Dancing Girls, Slaves, etc._


   ACT I: The atrium in the imperial palace. The night before New
          Year's Day, A.D. 221.

   ACT II: The imperial bed-chamber. Toward the middle of the year 221.

   ACT III: Antechamber and banquet hall in the palace. The evening of
            the following day.




                                 ACT I




                                 ACT I


   _The atrium in the imperial palace on the Palatine Hill. A splendid
   and even gorgeous apartment, perhaps fifty feet long and twenty
   broad. The spectator views it from one side, and one of the
   longitudinal walls thus constitutes the background. At the left of
   the spectator is the arched doorway that leads into the ostium,
   or entrance hallway. At the right are two doors giving into the
   peristyle, or garden. In the back are doors opening upon various
   apartments, among them, a small triclinium or banquet-room._

   _The atrium has walls of Cipilino marble, and there are ornate
   pillars supporting each door-frame. In the centre of the floor
   is a small pool, perhaps six by eight feet, and flush with the
   floor. Above it, in the ceiling, is a skylight with movable bronze
   sashes, and gaudy silk blinds beneath. Despite the architectural
   magnificence of the apartment, its furniture, to modern eyes, seems
   meagre. To the spectator's right, between the garden doors, there is
   a solium--a high, stiff, ungainly chair, very wide, and upholstered
   in imperial purple, i.e., a colour rather like the crimson of today.
   In front of the solium stands a very ornate mensa, or table, with a
   few backless stools. There is nothing more. Light is furnished by
   Roman lamps on very tall candelabra. The moon filters through the
   skylight._

   _It is the night before New Year's Day of the year_ 221 A.D.

   _As the curtain rises_, HELIOGABALUS' _atriensis, or major-domo_,
   RUFINIUS _by name, ushers in the two physicians_, PISO _and_
   POLORUS. RUFINIUS _is a stout Gaul with a full red beard. He wears,
   of course, no toga, but there are chevrons of imperial purple on
   the short left sleeve of his tunic._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _wear the
   paenula--a long, plain cape, with a hood not unlike a monk's cowl_.
   PISO'S _paenula is black, but_ POLORUS' _shows the florid colours
   of a modern bathrobe_. PISO _is an old man and wears a long white
   beard_; POLORUS _is younger and wears his clipped, almost in the Van
   Dyke manner_.

   RUFINIUS, _as soon as the two doctors have come to anchor by the
   pool, offers them a salver on which stand two goblets of wine and a
   dish of peanuts_.

                               RUFINIUS

The Emperor will be out presently. The banquet is just ending.

   [_From within comes the sound of half-hearted mirth._]

                                 PISO

[_Reaching for one of the goblets_] Very thoughtful of you, Rufinius:
I need it. I was up all night with a confinement case.

                                POLORUS

[_Somewhat sniffishly_] Yes, my dear Doctor Piso, they are very
tiresome. I'm glad I've been able to give them up.

                                 PISO

[_Waspishly_] Give them up? _I_, Doctor Polorus, I _never_ give them
up! I pull them through.

                                POLORUS

[_Rather floored; apologetically_] I don't mean patients; I mean cases.

                                 PISO

[_Put into good humour by the success of his repartee_] But _I_ mean
neither patients nor cases; I mean husbands.

                                POLORUS

[_Amiably, trying to make peace_] I suppose he was drunk, as usual.

                                 PISO

Drunk? His very tears smelt like toddy. You could scarcely call him a
husband in alcohol. He was an alcoholic _extract_ of husband.

                                POLORUS

It's astounding how much they get down when such things are going on in
the house.

                                 PISO

Yes, and the tighter they get, the more they want to kiss the baby. And
if you let them do it, then you have two cases of delirium tremens on
your hands--father and child. And the mother raising hell.

   [_Sounds of feeble, somewhat laborious mirth come from the
   banquet-room_]

                                POLORUS

What do you think of--? [_Nodding toward the banquet-room_]

   [PISO _takes a handful of peanuts and munches them during
   the following, now and then biting into a bad one and spitting it
   into the pool_]

                                 PISO

What is _your_ idea?

                                POLORUS

It looks simple. I say diabetes.

                                 PISO

Why?

                                POLORUS

Well, for one thing, he's always so thirsty. Then, his legs are
beginning to trouble him. Thirdly--

                                 PISO

Nonsense! He was born with that thirst. As for his legs, they are
simply overworked. The human leg was designed to carry a man, and
nothing more. Add his clothes, his conscience, his artillery, and his
jewelry, and then pile on a barrel of wine or so every day, and it
begins to lose confidence in itself.

                                POLORUS

The Empress Paula tells me--

                                 PISO

Yes, I know all about the patent medicines he's swallowed and the
quacks he's had here. There was that Syrian, for instance. He
prescribed water-drinking.

                                POLORUS

She says he couldn't keep it on his stomach.

                                 PISO

No wonder! I daresay his stomach wondered what it was.

                                POLORUS

What do you think of proposing?

                                 PISO

Nothing could be simpler. If this were an ordinary man, say you or
that fat poinsettia over there, [_indicating_ RUFINIUS] I'd
simply put him to bed, give him a good big dose of castor oil, and then
send in my bill. Maybe I'd add a mustard plaster, and a gargle in the
morning. The next day, repeat the dose. And so on.

                                 PISO

[_Uneasily_] But surely you're not going to--?

                                POLORUS

[_Horrified_] What! Prescribe castor oil for an emperor? The gods
forbid! Where are your professional ethics? Besides, I've been in jail,
and don't like it. And when I think of lions in the arena gumming this
old epidermis--!

   [PAULA _enters from the peristyle, and the two physicians,
   catching sight of her at once, make low bows_]

                           PISO AND POLORUS

Majesty!

                                 PAULA

[_To_ PISO, _gushingly_] Oh, doctor, I am so glad to see you!
I have been _so_ worried!

                                 PISO

[_In his best manner_] Be calm! This--[_indicating_ POLORUS]
is Dr. Polorus, my--[_maliciously_] assistant. Doctor, you are honoured
by the notice of the Empress Paula.

                                 PAULA

[_Buttonholing_ PISO _tragically_] I surely hope you gentlemen can
do something for the poor Emperor. You can't imagine what I have gone
through. I think he's getting worse all the time. And those awful
quacks he has had!

                                 PISO

Yes, I have heard. It's common gossip.

                                 PAULA

One of them put him on water! Like a horse! [_It gradually becomes
evident that_ PAULA, _who is about 37 and rather chunky, is
somewhat alcoholized and inclined to weep_] I thought he would die the
first night. I was up the whole night. I wouldn't let any of the other
ladies touch him. I suffered terribly.

   [_Succumbing to the martyr complex, she sobs boozily on_
   PISO'S _shoulder_]

                                 PISO

[_With professional tact_] And what seemed to be the symptoms?

                                 PAULA

Just grief, I guess. The love of a pure woman. I still feel very faint.

                                POLORUS

Perhaps a goblet of wine--

                                 PAULA

[_Promptly motioning to_ RUFINIUS] And you, too. Pardon me
for forgetting. I am all worn out. You doctors have to be up all night,
and--

                                 PISO

[_Reaching for his goblet_] People simply _will_ send for one. I seldom
get out of my clothes.

   [_The three drink_]

                                POLORUS

And you were saying that the Emperor--

                                 PAULA

Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know
him--always complaining about his stomach-aches, and taking pills
and things. You know how lively he used to be--always up to some
pleasantry. Why, even when we had a quiet dinner here at home--just
him and me and the other girls--he'd have in one of those dancers from
Mesopotamia, and make him dance on a red-hot stove. Always something
jolly. And how he would laugh and cut up! But now look at him! Even
this New Year's Eve banquet is like a funeral. Think of it! He
wouldn't let me go to it--and I've been sitting beside him at banquets
for--well, ever since I was almost a child. And all the other girls
barred out, too--all except Dacia.

                                 PISO

[_Professionally_] Too bad, too bad!

                                 PAULA

I say nothing against Dacia--not a word. She is a very nice girl. I
was glad to see him marry her--that is, if he had to marry anybody. I
thought he had wives enough. You can imagine what trouble it makes for
_me_. But you don't want to hear _my_ afflictions.

                                POLORUS

Your Majesty was saying that the Emperor is depressed.

                                 PAULA

Depressed? You'd think he had on damp underclothes! And he keeps on
sending for those quacks--even those crazy dervishes and religious
healers from Asia.

                                 PISO

Religion? Aha! Mental symptoms!

                                 PAULA

Why, yesterday I hear he actually had in one of those awful
Jews--Christians, some of them now call themselves--the kind they burn
at the circus.

                                 PISO

Riff-raff! They actually say they can cure a sick man without medicine.
[_To_ POLORUS] Your pardon, Doctor.

                                POLORUS

No offence at all, I assure you. My family is from Spain--Mendoza was
the family name. I loathe these kikes as much as you do.

                                 PAULA

[_Continuing_] So I sent for you doctors. I hear you do wonders. But
you must be careful. No feeling of pulses or sticking out of tongues.
Just say you have heard he is feeling poorly, and have dropped in as a
matter of patriotism. Don't tell him I sent for you. He'll be here in a
few moments, as soon as the _banquet_ [_she sniffs sarcastically_] is
over. You'll see how sick he is the moment he comes in.

                                POLORUS

And as for the symptoms, Majesty: you say he complains of--

   [_His speech is cut short by the entrance of a guest who comes from
   the triclinium supported by two slaves. He is very drunk and they
   drop him beside the pool and proceed to bathe his face_]

                                 PAULA

Oh, the poor man! Something has disagreed with him.

                                 PISO

Who is the gentleman?

                                 PAULA

I don't know him. I think he is one of the generals from the colonies.
[_To one of the slaves_] Who is he?

                               THE SLAVE

Caius Macrinus, Majesty. Commander of the Western Fleet.

                                 PISO

Ah, a naval officer! [_To the slave_] Is he taken this way often?

                               THE SLAVE

[_Idiotically_] Only when he drinks.

                                POLORUS

I think it may be fits. Let's take a look at him.

                                 PAULA

Shall I order some wine?

                                 PISO

No. That is, not for the patient.

   [_As_ RUFINIUS _makes for the goblets_, PISO _and_ POLORUS
   _approach_ CAIUS _and shoulder the slaves away_. CAIUS _collapses at
   the edge of the pool, and before_ PISO, _who is aged and stiff, can
   grab his end, slides into the water, and out of_ POLORUS'S _hands.
   The slaves jump in after him and drag him ashore, and the two
   doctors proceed to revive him_]


                                POLORUS

Grab his arm and pump it up and down!

                                 PISO

What do you take me for, a milk-maid? I am a physician!

                                POLORUS

I thought we'd try some artificial respiration.

                                 PISO

Artificial respiration your grandmother! Slap him on the back: that'll
fetch him.

                                POLORUS

Yes, and give him pneumonia.

                                 PISO

Pneumonia, flapdoodle! A drunken man _never_ gets pneumonia!

                                POLORUS

Since when?

                                 PISO

Since the time of Romulus and Remus.

                                POLORUS

Well, _I_ have seen it.

                                 PISO

You _thought_ you saw it. The patient probably had cholera. Or maybe a
fractured skull.

                                POLORUS

[_Sarcastically_] Palm-reader!

                                 PISO

[_With equal sarcasm_] Barber!

                                 PAULA

[_Brightly_] Why not roll him on a barrel?

                                POLORUS

Too late! He's getting over it. Besides, [_indicating the banquet
room_] what barrels there are, are in there.

   [CAIUS _sits up and gazes about him weakly. Catching
   sight of_ PAULA, _he waves his hand at her feebly. He has
   forgotten where he is, and doesn't know that she is the Empress_]

                                 CAIUS

[_Thickly_] Ah there, fair one! How about a little drink!

                                 PISO

[_Horrified_] Sacrilege!

                                 PAULA

[_Flattered by his apparent admiration_] Oh, let the poor commander
alone. He's feeling badly. [_She approaches him, with a goblet_] There,
that will make you better.

                                 CAIUS

I remember you, little peppermint, but I can't place you. Didn't we
meet in--Alexandria?

                                 PAULA

[_Sympathetically_] Oh, don't worry your poor head.

                                 CAIUS

It doesn't worry me. I remember you now. What's become of that little
dark girl?

                                 PISO

[_In alarm_] The Commander seems to be flighty. He imagines he's in
a--er, a private house.

                               RUFINIUS

[_Taking charge of the situation_] I'd better help him out.

   [_He grabs_ CAIUS, _and with the two slaves, begins leading
   him out_]

                                 CAIUS

[_Drunkenly_] But I haven't paid for the drink! Let me pay for the
drink! I insist upon paying for the drink! I--

   [_Exeunt_]

                                POLORUS

Delirium!

                                 PAULA

[_Virtuously_] I can't imagine what he was talking about.

                                 PISO

Oh, I have seen thousands of such cases. Most doctors make the mistake
of--

   [_He is cut short by an uproar in the triclinium. Trumpets sound.
   Suddenly three slaves appear at the door, crying_ "The Emperor!"
   PAULA _at once prepares to depart_]

                                 PAULA

[_To the doctors_] Remember. Very careful! Don't ask him to stick out
his tongue!

   [_As_ PAULA _slinks into the peristyle_,
   HELIOGABALUS _enters from the triclinium, with_
   DACIA _on his arm. He is tall, sallow and apparently
   somewhat liquored; his bad humour is obvious. He stalks across the
   stage to the solium without a word, hands up_ DACIA, _and
   takes his seat beside her with a scowl. He wears a magnificent toga
   of imperial purple, with a wide band of cloth-of-gold at the bottom.
   He carries a small baton, with a gigantic ruby at one end. He is
   bareheaded_

   [DACIA _is a very pretty blonde of, say, nineteen. It is
   plain that she admires_ HELIOGABALUS _vastly, but there
   is a touch of awe in her admiration, and it gives her a bit of
   stage-fright to be with him as here. She is dressed in the white
   garment of a Roman matron_

   [_Following the two come several slaves, and two or three army
   officers. The latter have been guests at the banquet and are more or
   less tight_

   [HELIOGABALUS, _seated upon the solium, claps his hand to
   his tummy and turns to_ DACIA]

                             HELIOGABALUS

There it is again--that grinding pain.

                                 DACIA

I'm _so_ sorry, dear. Shall I send for something?

                             HELIOGABALUS

The oyster-soup, I dessay. [DACIA _pats his arm_] Or the
speeches.

   [_He dismisses the subject and sweeps the atrium with his eye. It
   alights upon the two doctors, who immediately drop to their knees_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Irascibly_] So there you are! Get up! [_They arise_] Well, what are
_you_ doing in the Night Court?

                                 PISO

May it please your Majesty, the thought occurred to us that it would be
a favourable moment for--paying our respects.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Aha, the crows smell the carrion! So you heard that I was ill?

                                 PISO

Not exactly ill, Majesty, but--well, one might say slightly indisposed.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Indisposed? A sweet word. Then a man who has had his head cut off is
suffering from tonsillitis. [_Hypochondriacly_] I tell you my stomach
has all gone to pieces. I can hardly digest the blush on a peach.

                                 PISO

Your Majesty describes the symptoms very trenchantly. Half the doctor's
work is done for him.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I haven't mentioned a damned symptom, you scurvy old body-snatcher. If
I began to tell you all my symptoms I'd talk your ear off.

                                POLORUS

Perhaps your Majesty will favour us with, say a specimen or two.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He hesitates, but finally thinks well of the suggestion_] Well, if
you are interested.... For example, what would you say of a sort of
peculiar buzzing sensation at the pit of the stomach, an hour after
meals? [_He makes elaborate circular motions with his fist_] And then
a sour headache, with peculiar flashes of light before the eyes?
Sometimes white; sometimes red; sometimes a sort of greenish purple, or
pinkish yellow, or bluish--

   [_He halts lugubriously_]

                                POLORUS

[_Judicially and with a profound frown_] I should call it hyperacidity.

                                 PISO

[_Derisively_] What! Hyperacidity? Then where is your heart-burn?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Interrupting_] Sir, I said _nothing_ of any heart-burn.

                                 PISO

Precisely. My learned friend here simply--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Petulantly_] See here, who's sick, you or I? I tell you about
stomach-ache, and you begin talking of heart-burn.

                                POLORUS

[_Virtuously_] _I_ didn't mention it, Majesty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And it's lucky for you that you didn't mention it, Majesty! What is
_your_ guess?

                                POLORUS

_I_ say hyperacidity.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, that was your first guess. Now what is your second?

                                POLORUS

Cholelithiasis.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And then? What is number three?

                                POLORUS

Nervous dyspepsia.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In a sepulchral voice, gradually working himself into a rage_] And
which one do you favour for the death-certificate?

                                POLORUS

[_Horrified_] Surely Your Majesty is joking!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Now thoroughly enraged, he leaps down from the solium and proceeds
toward_ POLORUS _like a lion stalking a deer_] Joking? Is a
coroner's inquest a joke? Is an autopsy a joke? [_He explodes with
wrath and bawls for the guard_] Out with the jackass! Shove him into
tier two and fatten him for the leopards! Out with him!

   [POLORUS _is hustled out, loudly protesting_. PISO _attempts a
   discreet sneak, but_ HELIOGABALUS _detects it_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

Grab the old one! Duck him in the pool!

   [_The slaves grab poor_ PISO _and throw him in. He comes up
   instantly and tries to scramble out_]

                                 PISO

[_Sputtering_] Injustice! Injustice!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Again!

   [_They duck him_]

                                 PISO

[_Coming up again_] I confess! Let me out! I admit everything!

   [_The slaves haul him out. He shakes himself like a wet dog_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now throw him out.

   [_They proceed to do it_]

                                 PISO

Where is my stethoscope? I lost my stethoscope! I want my stetho--

   [_Exit_]

                                 DACIA

[_Sweetly, as_ HELIOGABALUS _returns to the solium and wearily
reseats himself_] You excite yourself, dear. [_She caresses him as if
he were a troubled child, but a bit timorously_] You should be calmer.
That old quack isn't worth--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My
sweet birdie, you underestimate the effects of matter on mind. I ought
to have kissed you an _hour_ ago. It was my duty. Moreover, I inclined
to it--the thought presented itself to me. But just then I was seized.
I love you--but I am sick.

                                 DACIA

[_Sentimentally_] If you love me, I am happy.

                             HELIOGABALUS

So am I--theoretically. But this---- [_He rubs his front sadly. Then he
suddenly pulls himself together. To the assemblage_] Let us proceed to
business. What is the first case?

   [_A slave comes forward with a scroll and writing materials and
   takes his place at the ornate table. He is the Clerk of the Night
   Court. Two armed guards stand to either side of him. The following
   scene is played very quickly_]

                               THE CLERK

Hecatus; 27 years old; attempted burglary.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Hecatus? Is he a Greek?

                               THE CLERK

Yes, your Majesty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Then don't bother to bring him in. Have him thrown into the Tiber at
once. Next case.

                               THE CLERK

Cornelia Metelli; 20 years old; soliciting.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Bring her in.

   [_The guard hauls in a bedraggled old wench, fully 45_]

                               CORNELIA

[_Beginning to protest from the moment she enters the door_] Your
Majesty, I give you my word I never done anything whatsoever at all.
I was just walking down the street, going to meet a friend, when that
policeman come up and--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Stop lying, my dear. I remember you very well. The last time, you held
up a drunken pall-bearer on his way home from a funeral.

                               CORNELIA

Your Majesty, you have got me mixed up with some other lady. I give you
my word I never--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Silence! Now let's be friends. How is trade?

                               CORNELIA

Your Majesty, you do me wrong, I assure--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, now, are we going to be friends, or do you want me to send you up
at once?

                               CORNELIA

Don't send me up again!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Then answer my polite question. I asked you "How is trade?" I take it
that it's not as good as it used to be. [CORNELIA _begins to sniffle_]
I suppose the night has to be very dark for you to be--insulted. Or the
stranger very soused.

                               CORNELIA

A poor girl ain't got a chance, Majesty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Not after forty-five. Or fifty. [_To the assemblage in general_]
Consider, gentlemen, the sad fate of this poor working girl. Think of
her days of hope, of happiness. Of success. Think of the men she has
charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it
was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now
contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or
the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once
was a human face. [CORNELIA _sobs_] No, my baby, I shall not
send you up. Instead I am going to _do_ something for you. Day chases
day: you need a comfortable home. I appoint you a Vestal Virgin.

                               CORNELIA

[_In horror_] Oh, my God! Oh, your Majesty!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Sheriff, do your duty! [_The guard drags her out, protesting
raucously_] Next case!

                               THE CLERK

Lucius Macedonicus; aged 30; picking pockets. [_The prisoner is brought
in_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Guilty or not guilty?

                             THE PRISONER

Not guilty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

That is to say, guilty.

                             THE PRISONER

Believe me, your Majesty, I wouldn't lie to--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To the clerk_] How many terms has he served?

                               THE CLERK

Twenty-seven, your Majesty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I begin to doubt the efficacy of the modern jail system. Let me think.
[_He meditates_] The sheriff is ordered to take the prisoner to the
place of execution---- [_The prisoner yells, but is silenced by the
guard, and_ HELIOGABALUS _goes on_]---- and there chop off the
index finger of his right hand--with one clean blow of a well-honed
sword--no amateurish butchering.

                               THE CLERK

Any further command?

                             HELIOGABALUS

On his recovery, he is to be given a place on the police force.

                               THE CLERK

[_In surprise_] The police force?

                             HELIOGABALUS

I said the police force. A pickpocket with the index finger of his
right hand gone is harmless. And so is a policeman. Call the next case.

   [_The prisoner is hustled out_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Calling after_] Bring me the finger, Sheriff. I admire it. [_To the
Clerk_] What is the next case?

                               THE CLERK

Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and
inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Bring her in.

   [LUCIA _is brought in by the guard. She wears a simple white stola,
   the common dress of Roman women, with a cross embroidered in front.
   She is very pretty, and_ HELIOGABALUS _shows immediate signs that he
   has duly observed the fact. He settles his toga, wets his finger,
   smoothes his eyebrows, and assumes a mixture of amiable smile and
   judicial frown._ LUCIA _folds her arms and is silent_]


                                 DACIA

[_To_ HELIOGABALUS] She is _very_ pretty.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Heavily_] Oh, yes--in a sense.

                                 DACIA

It's a pity to see such a pretty girl in the hands of the police.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Grasping at the idea_] A pity? It's revolting! Darling, it shocks
me to expose you to such a spectacle. I really can't permit it. My
conscience would never let up on me.

                                 DACIA

But--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Exactly. Wifely duty, and all that. I understand. You love me. But I
can't permit it, really. Moreover, it is getting very late. You must
have your rest. [_He rises_] My arm.

                                 DACIA

I am not sleepy at all, dear.

                             HELIOGABALUS

See. It has begun already! Insomnia from late hours. That's the way
_I_ began. I promised your father to take care of you, to cherish you,
to----

                                 DACIA

But--

                             HELIOGABALUS

I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn't noticed
the time. Now, my dear. [_He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes
it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium
and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door_] You have been
getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn't say
anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don't forget that
Heliogabalus loves you. [_He gives her a peck of a kiss_] I'll be with
you anon.

   [_She goes out without a word. Immediately the door closes behind
   her_, HELIOGABALUS _makes his way back to the solium with noticeable
   haste. First he takes a precautionary look over his shoulder at the
   door; then he devotes himself to a long gaze at_ LUCIA]


                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Genially_] So this is Lucia!

                                 LUCIA

[_Oratorically_] The peace of the Lord be with you, Cæsar! I am not
afraid.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, surely not. I had no thought of harming you, my dear.

                                 LUCIA

Ye who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. It is so written.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Perhaps you are right. But why did you kick up this disturbance on the
street?

                                 LUCIA

I made no disturbance, Cæsar. I obeyed the command. I preached the Son
of God.

                             HELIOGABALUS

God? Which God?

                                 LUCIA

The One God.

                             HELIOGABALUS

So there is only _one_ now? I heard the rumour only last week. But why
get excited about it? Why stir up those poor country yokels at the
market, and give the policemen trouble?

                                 LUCIA

I came to preach the Word. I came to bring peace. Aye, even peace to
you, Cæsar;--with the sin and blood upon your hands.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To the clerk_] Mr. Clerk, the defendant is in the shadow. Can't we
move the lamps a bit?

   [_The clerk moves them experimentally_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

So; an inch or so to the left. That's better. [_To_ LUCIA] And
now, my dear, about this blood upon my hands. Surely you have confused
me with some one else. I am never violent.

                                 LUCIA

It was by your decree that they died--burned alive, torn to pieces by
wild beasts, butchered by gladiators--five hundred souls.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh-h, you mean those--what do you call them?--Christians! Well, surely
you are not complaining of that. All _that_ is a mere matter of
administrative routine. They practise magic; they claim to be able to
heal the sick, even to raise the dead. The law is the law.

                                 LUCIA

It is their faith that gives life; it is their faith that heals. And
that faith [_touching her heart_] is here.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To the clerk_] I'll have to trouble you about the lights again. Bring
that big lamp nearer to the prisoner. The rest of you stand back.

   [_The clerk so places the light that_ LUCIA'S _face is in
   the full glare of it_. HELIOGABALUS _views her with obvious
   and prolonged admiration_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thank you; now I can _hear_ her better. [_To_ LUCIA] And you were
saying, my dear?

                                 LUCIA

[_Striking her heart again_] My faith is here. The truth is here. The
power of the spirit is here.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, so far, so good. But surely you don't claim to be a magician like
those other Christians. A pretty girl like you!

                                 LUCIA

There is no magic! There is only the spirit.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can
the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for _me_?

                                 LUCIA

Even you, Cæsar. Even _you_ are not beyond the grace of the Lord.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Growing more interested_] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by
this new magic, this so-called Christianity?

                                 LUCIA

By Christianity, Cæsar, and by the spirit within. Even _you_ may be
healed.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?

                                 LUCIA

I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But what I am getting at is: what is the _machinery_ of it? How do you
set the Lord to _working_? Just how do you do it?

                                 LUCIA

[_Simply_] We pray.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Is _that_ all?

                                 LUCIA

We lay on hands.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Vastly interested_] So! You lay on hands? And do you yourself--that
is to say, are you yourself a practitioner of this--this--laying on of
hands?

   [_He leans over to glance cautiously at the door through which_
   DACIA _has gone_]

                                 LUCIA

My prayers have been answered. I take no reward. I would ask the Lord's
mercies even for you, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, all I have to say is that you are a very nice girl. First you
accuse me of murdering your friends, and now you say you are willing to
pray for me,--and even to lay on hands.

                                 LUCIA

It is the command: forgive those who have ill-used you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, I say: now you are going too far. Imagine _me_ ill-using _you_.
Sweet piece, you _wrong_ me.

                                 LUCIA

[_In surprise_] I am not to be burned?

                             HELIOGABALUS

The idea! Burn _you_! The very thought of it revolts me. You have been
misinformed, my dear. I am a very humane man--even a polite man.

                                 LUCIA

But--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, I know what you are going to say. Now and then I am irritable--and
maybe order a man or two, or a dozen or so, to the--that is, now
and then, I let the law take its course. But when a man is in bad
health--and always has the stomach-ache--he sometimes gets out of
humour. Who wouldn't? You have no idea how much I have suffered, and
what awful medicines I have taken. Not half an hour ago I had to have
another of those quacks ducked in this very room. Well, the Christians
have this easy cure--this way of curing by laying on hands--and yet
they let me suffer. Is it any wonder that I sometimes lose my temper?
Now you say that _you_ also know the trick, and I was wondering--

                                 LUCIA

I shall pray for you, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, by all means. But this laying on of hands--I have a notion that it
might, er--fit my particular case even better.

                                 LUCIA

[_Diffidently_] We could try.

                             HELIOGABALUS

So we could. But not here. I have a feeling that a crowd might
be--well, unsympathetic. [_To the clerk_] The court recesses, Mr.
Clerk. Clear the room!

   [_The guards proceed to drive every one out in headlong haste,
   leaving only_ HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA _and_
   RUFINIUS]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ RUFINIUS] I shall cross-examine the witness in chambers.
[_To_ LUCIA, _offering her his arm_] My dear.

   [_As they go out_, HELIOGABALUS _takes another
   precautionary look at the peristyle. They go into one of the rooms
   at the rear. The door closes._ RUFINIUS, _to whom the
   business is an old story, heaves a sigh, pours out two goblets of
   wine, and places them on the small table near the door. He then goes
   to the door of the ostium, and calls out to an unseen guard_]

                               RUFINIUS

[_In bored tones_] Better get the musicians ready, Sampinus. They'll
probably be wanted presently. Are they all sober?

   [_The guard makes no reply, but the clank of his sword is heard.
   As_ RUFINIUS _turns back_, PAULA _enters from the
   peristyle. She is somewhat dishevelled_]

                                 PAULA

The Emperor--where is the Emperor?

                               RUFINIUS

He has just stepped out, Majesty.

                                 PAULA

Just stepped out? Where has he gone?

                               RUFINIUS

He hasn't gone anywhere, Majesty.

                                 PAULA

Bosh. Either he is out or he is not out. Don't deceive me!

   [RUFINIUS, _stumped, answers nothing, but his eyes wander to the
   door_. PAULA _quickly notices_]


                                 PAULA

So he's in _there_, is he? And who is it _this_ time?

                               RUFINIUS

A young woman, Majesty--a young Christian woman.

   [_There is a loud knock on the inside of the door, and_ RUFINIUS
   _steps to answer. He opens the door very slightly and pokes his head
   in_]


                               RUFINIUS

Majesty?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Within_] Music!

   [RUFINIUS _claps his hands, and instantly two musicians
   come in from the ostium. One has a Greek pipe and the other a
   lyre. The piper blows a loud blast and breaks into lively music.
   Suddenly there are again loud knocks on the inside of the door, and_
   RUFINIUS _pokes in his head once more_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Within_] Not so damned loud! Something soft--and dreamy!

                               RUFINIUS

[_To the musicians_] Turn off the air in that pipe!

   [HELIOGABALUS' _order appears ominous to both_
   RUFINIUS and PAULA, _and they look at each other_]

                                 PAULA

This looks serious.

                               RUFINIUS

I fear so, Majesty.

                                 PAULA

You say she is a Christian girl--one of those ex-Jewesses who bawl and
beat tambourines on the streets? What does she look like?

                               RUFINIUS

I regret to report--

                                 PAULA

Speak up! Is she good-looking?

                               RUFINIUS

[_Reluctantly_] In a sense, yes.

                                 PAULA

That means she is very beautiful, doesn't it? Do I know any one she
looks like?

                               RUFINIUS

[_With a heavy attempt at courtliness_] Your Majesty must consult your
mirror.

                                 PAULA

Enough of that blather! Do you think that I don't _know_ I'm--nearly
twenty-eight? [_With bitterness_] If I were still what I used to be,
I'd be in that room myself.

   [_Another knock on the inside of the door._ RUFINIUS _responds.
   Unintelligible words from within._ RUFINIUS _turns, empties the two
   goblets, takes another flask from the table, and refills them. The
   musicians keep droning softly_]


                                 PAULA

What is that stuff?

                               RUFINIUS

The wine from Britain, brought to the Emperor by Caius Macrinus.

                                 PAULA

You mean that stuff that tastes like smoke? Wine your grandpa! So he's
going to try _that_ on that poor girl! The third degree!

   [RUFINIUS _passes in the two goblets_]

                               RUFINIUS

It _is_ somewhat heady.

                                 PAULA

I should say it _is_. Why, the first time I tried it my head spun
around like a ballet girl. Now tell me about this girl. Is it just
a--you know--or is it--?

                               RUFINIUS

I'm afraid it is.

                                 PAULA

Is what? [_Maudlinly_] Tell me, Rufinius! You wouldn't desert me! Tell
me the truth!

                               RUFINIUS

I'm afraid it's serious.

                                 PAULA

You mean--?

                               RUFINIUS

Well, he hasn't ordered any guard to take her away in the morning.

                                 PAULA

[_Hysterically_] There! I knew it! He'll marry her, and then I'll have
another on my hands. Eleven already--and now one more! I'll go crazy if
he keeps this up.

                               RUFINIUS

[_Reassuringly_] Well, maybe I'm wrong, after all. Perhaps he's merely
interested in her talk.

                                 PAULA

[_Inconsolable_] Yes, that's the worst of it. If it was only her looks
I wouldn't care. A man gets his fill of _looking_ in no time. But when
he begins to _listen_ he's lost. [_Bursting into tears_] I think this
is too much. I've tried to be a good chief wife to the Emperor. Have
you ever heard me complain when he came home with a girl and--sent for
the musicians? Never! But I'm getting tired of this _marrying_. When
he marries another one _I_ have her on my hands. Who has to keep order
among them? Who protects them when he gets into a bad humour and begins
to talk of throwing half a dozen of them to the crocodiles?

   [_She blubbers_]

                               RUFINIUS

But maybe Your Majesty is too pessimistic. I have a feeling that--

   [_A knock from within the door interrupts him. He goes to the door
   and the salver is handed out. On it are the two goblets. One is
   empty; the other is still full_]

                                 PAULA

[_Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet_] Ha! One still
full! [_Hysterically_] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she
refuses to drink. Now he's done for!

                               RUFINIUS

[_Alarmed at last_] It looks pretty bad.

                                 PAULA

Bad? I tell you it's all over! I got him that way myself--and so did
most of the others. I know! [_Rising to martyrdom_] Oh, what have I
done to deserve this! And a Christian, too--a common street woman,
praying and bawling in the gutters! Imagine the palace with her around!
Worse, imagine the Emperor! Here, give me the goblet. I feel faint!

   [_She downs the goblet_]

   [_A commotion inside. A hand on the knob of the door_]

                               RUFINIUS

[_In alarm_] Your Majesty had better--

                                 PAULA

Yes, yes. [_Starting off_] Let me know what happens.

   [_She sneaks out just as_ HELIOGABALUS _enters with the
   girl on his arm_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ RUFINIUS] Kick these vermin out [_indicating the musicians_] They
play bawdy music.

   [RUFINIUS _kicks them out_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ LUCIA] And now, little dear, as I was saying--

   [_His eye suddenly lights on the two goblets, and he notes that the
   second one has been emptied_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Rufinius!

                               RUFINIUS

Majesty!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Who emptied this goblet?

                               RUFINIUS

[_In great confusion_] Your Majesty, I assure you--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Silence! I don't want to hear any lies from you. So you have taken
to the jug again--after all your promises? While I am hard at work,
engaged in the administration of justice--labouring at affairs of
state--you loll out here in the atrium in your cups!

                               RUFINIUS

[_At a loss_] Your Majesty, I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated--in
four minutes--to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind
beggar--to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole
it--I'll burn you like a--like a Christian!

                               RUFINIUS

[_Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his
knees_] Majesty! I ask forgiveness!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Ha! You save your life! [_Irritably_] But this sort of thing has
got to stop! I can't have drinking men about me. [_A pause while he
meditates_] You must be punished. You must have your lesson. [_Another
pause_] How would you like to lose those beautiful pink whiskers?

                               RUFINIUS

[_Horror-stricken, he falls flat on the floor_] Majesty!

                             HELIOGABALUS

That's it, exactly. Call in the guard and we'll chop them off at
once--and maybe a slice of ear with them.

                                 LUCIA

[_Protesting_] I hope your Majesty--

   [_She is cut off by the entrance of_ PAULA, _who bounds in
   from the peristyle_. PAULA, _by now, is in the last stages
   of a crying drunk_]

                                 PAULA

Stop!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Startled_] What?

                                 PAULA

Rufinius is innocent!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Then it was--

                                 PAULA

Yes, _I_ drank it. I was feeling faint. I took it--medicinally.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, it seems to have medicated you, all right.

                                 PAULA

I think I had _cause_ to be ill.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What had you been eating?

                                 PAULA

Yes, laugh while I suffer! You never think of me! Here am I, so faint
I can hardly walk--and you give banquets, and bring in women off the
street, and turn the palace into a--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sternly_] My dear, you talk pish. This lady is Lucia. Lucia, the
Empress. Lucia was arrested--by a grievous error--and brought before
me--and we have been discussing certain problems--chiefly sociological.

                                 PAULA

Yes, I know what your problems are--whether to make love to her and
fill her with nonsense, or just grab her.

                             HELIOGABALUS

My dear, I forbid you. Such talk is libellous, and grossly licentious.
You will make me believe that the wine has--affected you.

                                 PAULA

[_To_ LUCIA] Don't you let him come over you with his soft-soap. That
man could talk a woman into anything. Haven't I seen him do it, with
one girl after another? He'll make you believe you are Venus and then,
when you get to be as I am, he'll--

                             HELIOGABALUS

What foolishness, my dear! Imagine this beautiful, this innocent, girl
ever getting like you are!

                                 PAULA

Wasn't I beautiful and innocent once?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, maybe _once_.

                                 PAULA

[_Maudlin_] And when I think of those other poor girls.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ LUCIA] Unluckily, my sweet Venus, the Empress is not
herself. I have noticed it for some time. About twenty years. [_To_
PAULA] Wouldn't it be better, darling, if you went to bed?
Perhaps a good night's rest would help you. Or shall I send for Piso?

                                 PAULA

Piso? Never! That dirty old fraud--

                             HELIOGABALUS

And yet you sent for him to monkey with my stomach--my poor, sick
stomach! Don't say you didn't. I know all about it. By this time, my
dear, you should have more respect for my spy system.

                                 PAULA

That's the way: You always put it on _me_! When _you_ have done
something, you accuse _me_ of something. Oh, what--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Humouring her_] But why go into that? You are--ill, and ought to be
in bed. And besides, I have business. There is, for example, the matter
of Rufinius' ear. It had better be attended to at once.

                               RUFINIUS

Oh, Majesty, Majesty!

                                 PAULA

Rufinius is innocent. I drank the wine--all of it!

                             HELIOGABALUS

I believe you--but nevertheless, Rufinius _lied_ to me. Can I afford to
let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely
not. Now, go to bed and get a good night's rest and let me attend to
Rufinius' ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter
of his ear, the longer it will take to heal.

   [_Taking her arm he pushes her out_]

                                 PAULA

[_Going out blubbering_] What have I ever done to deserve such awful,
such cruel, such--

   [_She disappears_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ RUFINIUS] Now get the guard, and bring in the tools.
It'll be all over in a few minutes.

                               RUFINIUS

[_Screeching_] Pardon, Majesty, pardon! I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Silence! I have already pardoned you. This other business is a mere
reminder, a souvenir. Go get the guard. I am busy.

   [RUFINIUS _staggers to his feet, and starts slowly toward the
   ostium_]


                                 LUCIA

But surely, your Majesty, you are not--

                             HELIOGABALUS

It won't take three minutes, I assure you. I'll do it myself--and I
have a steady hand. Then we can resume our--studies--

                                 LUCIA

[_Clutching his arm_] But surely this is not necessary. "Vengeance is
Mine, saith the Lord." I beg of you, Cæsar--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, I forgot. Your religion. Your Christianity.

                                 LUCIA

We are forbidden to shed blood, even an enemy's.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But no one is asking _you_ to shed any blood, little pigeon. I'll do it
myself. Besides, there won't be much.

                                 LUCIA

Or to _see_ it shed.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, now, isn't that going rather far? Wouldn't it be fair to call
that a rather _extreme_ view?

                                 LUCIA

[_Her hands on him_] Cæsar, I beg of you, I implore you--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Melting, he slips his arm around her_] Oh, if you put it on those
grounds, why, of course--[_He strokes her hair_] Do you like me, Lucia,
just a little bit?

                                 LUCIA

I'd like you more, Cæsar, if--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sentimentally_] How much more?

                                 LUCIA

[_Her eyes downcast_] Maybe a great deal more, if--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Honest? You swear it?

                                 LUCIA

We are forbidden to swear. "Let your Aye be Aye, and your Nay--"

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, but you _would_, wouldn't you?

                                 LUCIA

I think I would, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Calling to_ RUFINIUS] Rufinius, you may keep your ear. And
your beautiful pink whiskers, too.

                               RUFINIUS

[_Turning at the ostium_] Your Majesty is good!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Moreover, you look tired! You have long hours. Suppose you take a
little nap out in the ostium. I'll call you if I want you. I have a bit
more--business--with this young lady.

                               RUFINIUS

At your Majesty's command.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And before you go out, you might as well dim some of these lights. They
seem to me to be a bit glary, so to speak. How about putting out that
big one over there? [RUFINIUS _extinguishes it_] So, that's better. Now
run along. If I want you I'll call. But don't sit up for me.

   [_Exit_ RUFINIUS]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Approaching_ LUCIA _and eyeing her admiringly_] And now, my
dear and very delightful Christian maiden, now that we are alone, let
us sit down and have a cosy little chat. Oh, not on that stool; it will
tire your back. Why not here? [_He mounts the solium_] See, I'll sit
here in my regular place, and you--well, you sit so. [_He draws her to
his knee_] How's that? Comfortable?

                                 LUCIA

I am afraid, Cæsar. My people will be wondering where I am.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And a good joke on them, too. [_He laughs elaborately_] They'll think
you are on your way to the lions--and here you are as safe as a bug in
a rug--and converting the Emperor to this Christianity, as you call it.
Now, about that Christian kiss you showed me--just how is it done?

                                 LUCIA

[_Pecking at him modestly and very gingerly_] Like this.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Disappointed, shaking his head_] Um, kind o' short. Not like--but
maybe--after a while, after a little while ...

                                 LUCIA

[_Bashfully, but with art_] I'm afraid you won't respect me.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Looks at her sharply_] What's that?

                                 LUCIA

I said I thought you would think I was--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Pish-posh, little goose-liver. I never think such things. Don't mention
them.

                                 LUCIA

But you have a wife already.

                             HELIOGABALUS

A wife? I have eleven.

                                 LUCIA

[_Horrified_] What! Eleven!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Eleven living. My poor, dear Marcia is dead--among others. Paula
succeeded her. Dynastic reasons, my juicy plum: the merit system was
unheard of in those days. Then there is Annia Faustina, with the red
hair. And Cælestis. I married her in Gaul: I was very lonely. And then
there is Aquilia Severa. And Falia. And dear little Dacia. That was
Dacia who was with me when those scoundrels brought you in. You will
like Dacia--that is, you _would_ like her if you knew her. And then
there is Gestina. And--

   [_He hesitates_]

                                 LUCIA

That makes seven.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And Blenina, the blonde. And Alinia. And--

                                 LUCIA

That makes nine.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, let so much be considered the reading of the minutes. It would
only bore you to go on. Besides, why do it? Put them beside _you_, my
new baby--oh, my! You saw one of them--Paula. Imagine a cultivated man,
a man of artistic tastes, swapping a real kiss with--

                                 LUCIA

But the Lord forbids. A man must cleave to one wife.

                             HELIOGABALUS

A sensible idea. In fact, a capital idea. If the rest of Christianity
is like that, put down my name at once. But it's too late.

                                 LUCIA

You have married all these women?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Every one of them, so far as I can make out. Including Paula.

                                 LUCIA

Then you have broken the law of the Lord. Then you have sinned.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Snuggling close_] Oh, come now. Surely it is no sin to marry. I
always thought that--

                                 LUCIA

Marriage is of the Lord.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, then, how do you make it out that I have sinned? If it's all
right to marry one wife, why should it be a sin to marry another wife?

                                 LUCIA

You are mocking me, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Not at all, I assure you. I am quite serious. Just _why_ should it be a
sin, as you call it, to marry more than one?

                                 LUCIA

There are many reasons, Cæsar. The Lord has spoken. A man, in His eyes,
can truly love but one woman.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Fiddlesticks, little prune cake. I have eleven wives, and I love no
less than _four_ of them.

                                 LUCIA

_Love_ them?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, more or less. At all events, I _did_ love them. Now--

                                 LUCIA

You loved them _truly_?

                             HELIOGABALUS

One of them for _two_ long years!

                                 LUCIA

But marriage must endure unto death.

                             HELIOGABALUS

It did. It wasn't _my_ fault. But figure it for yourself: When I caught
her with that gladiator, what could I do? It was a great shock to me.

                                 LUCIA

You--?

                             HELIOGABALUS

It cut me to the heart. I almost felt like taking some of the poison
myself.

                                 LUCIA

[_Horrified_] You had her poisoned?

                             HELIOGABALUS

What was I to do? I went as far as I decently could. I invited the
gladiator to dinner. They died in each other's arms. I even buried him
at my own expense.

                                 LUCIA

You are horrible.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I am a husband.

                                 LUCIA

You are a pagan--an infidel!

                             HELIOGABALUS

And you? Isn't a Christian an infidel? You, too, are an infidel--but
[_sentimentally_]--a very dear, sweet little infidel. Now, how about
another of those Christian kisses--but this time a man's size one?

                                 LUCIA

[_Not heeding him_] Could you share your love--or what you call your
love--for me with any other woman?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Under the spell of her beauty_] You try my philosophy sorely.

                                 LUCIA

[_Insistent_] Could you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, I'm no longer as young as I used to be.

                                 LUCIA

Could you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Turn your head a bit, so that the light falls on your hair. Ah, the
moon! There, that's better. Now, what was it you said?

                                 LUCIA

Could you share your love for me with another woman?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_A pause, during which he admires the picture. Emphatically_] No!

                                 LUCIA

[_Radiant_] Ah, Cæsar, you see! Or you begin to see. The star of
Bethlehem has begun to shine in Rome!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_His arm about her_] I don't see any star, my dear, but the stars that
shine in your amethyst eyes. Now, please--[_A kiss_] And now another.

                                 LUCIA

What! Right away!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Don't be afraid of crowding them. I could stand millions of those
stingy Christian kisses. A thousand of them would only make one real,
honest Roman kiss.

                                 LUCIA

No.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes.

                                 LUCIA

No, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I order you.

                                 LUCIA

[_At once archly and coolly_] In whose name, Cæsar?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Desperately in her thrall_] In the name of your God, whose light I am
beginning to see.

                                 LUCIA

[_Now more persuaded_] Well, just a little one.

   [HELIOGABALUS _negotiates a long, strangling, gurgling buss_]

                                 LUCIA

Oh, my!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Was it nice?

                                 LUCIA

[_Coquettishly_] No. You are bad, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What! Bad!

                                 LUCIA

Bad, bad, Cæsar.

   [_A great crash in the ostium, with yells._ HELIOGABALUS
   _jumps to his feet and reaches for his sword, almost dropping_
   LUCIA. _Presently a Christian comes bounding in, with_
   RUFINIUS _and two guards hanging to him_. RUFINIUS
   _is in his undershirt and barefooted. The Christian is a man of
   gigantic stature, and the three have difficulty in holding him.
   But finally they pin his arms behind him_]

                             THE CHRISTIAN

I want to see Cæsar! I must face Cæsar!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Observing that the three have at last made him, fast. Folding his
arms_] Let him speak.

                             THE CHRISTIAN

I accuse you, Cæsar, of debauchery.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What! You come here in the middle of the night to--

                             THE CHRISTIAN

I call on you in the name of the Lord--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To Lucia_] Do you know this gentleman? Who is he, and what does he
want?

                             THE CHRISTIAN

I want you to liberate that poor, innocent girl--that lamb of the Lord.

                                 LUCIA

He is Simon of Cappadocia.

                                 SIMON

[_Still roaring_] Let her go! Release her from your loathsome embraces!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Listen to that! [_To Lucia_] Think of that, my dear!

                                 LUCIA

[_Quietly_] You are wrong, Simon. The great Cæsar has done me no harm.

                             HELIOGABALUS

There, you see!

                                 SIMON

He has not laid his hands on you?

                                 LUCIA

No. That is--

                                 SIMON

[_Refusing to believe it_] You fear him. You are afraid to speak! [_To_
HELIOGABALUS] Cæsar, what are you doing to this maiden?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Doing to her? I am _admiring_ her.

                                 SIMON

What are you _going_ to do to her?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Embarrassed_] Now, really--[_To_ LUCIA] Who did you say he
is?

                                 LUCIA

One of our pastors--Simon. [_Apologetically_] He is very--

                             HELIOGABALUS

A pastor? That is, a clergyman? [_To_ SIMON] Are you in holy
orders?

                                 SIMON

I am a poor shepherd. I seek this strayed lamb. The wolves--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Good enough. I respect you for it. So you are a clergyman? Well, that
simplifies matters enormously. Get out your tools. [_Bells begin to
ring out_] The New Year!

                                 SIMON

[_In alarm_] Tools?

                             HELIOGABALUS

The things necessary for your ceremony of holy marriage. I assume that
you carry them with you. [_The din increases_] It's the New Year--and I
turn over a new leaf!

                                 LUCIA

[_In astonishment; protesting_] But, Cæsar--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Nonsense, my dear. Tomorrow it may be raining, or there may be a
parade--[_To_ SIMON] And now, Doctor, you may begin. Do I
stand here?

   [_The din still increases_]

                                 LUCIA

[_Swept off her feet_] But, Cæsar, your other wives!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Himself completely gone_] I am _done_ with my other wives!

                                 LUCIA

Done with them?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Henceforth and for ever! You shall be my _one_ wife! And your faith my
faith!

                                 LUCIA

[_Wide-eyed_] You mean--you mean, Cæsar, that through me, through love
for me, you have come to see the light?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Swung along by the situation_] I mean, my fair maiden, that I have
seen some kind of light in your beautiful eyes. I don't know just what
it is, or exactly what it stands for, but I love you, adore you, want
you--and am willing to follow it--blindly.

                                 SIMON

[_To_ LUCIA, _in amazement_] Can you--do you--believe?

                                 LUCIA

[_Taking the Emperor's hand, as the chimes swell to a great clamour_]
The great Cæsar sees at last!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_His eyes feasting upon her_] What wonderful hair!


                                CURTAIN




                                ACT II




                                ACT II


   _Sometime in the middle of the year 221_ A.D.

   _The scene is the cubicula nocturna, or bedroom, of the Emperor in
   the Palace. Time: 10_ P.M.

   _A rather shallow and crowded apartment, with doors at the left
   and upper right, and a single window at the right. The Romans,
   of course, did not have beds of the sort we sleep in today. The
   thing they used was a sort of chaise-longue--that is, it had no
   foot-board._ HELIOGABALUS' _bed is to the left of the
   spectator, with its back against the back wall and its foot facing
   the footlights. Beside it, separated by a space of no more than
   two feet, is the huge bed of his wives. It is, in design, exactly
   like his own, but it is at least 20 feet wide. The bed-clothing
   stretches unbrokenly from side to side of it, but there are separate
   pillows--twelve of them, each embroidered with a large monogram in
   purple. The pillow with the "L"_ [_for_ LUCIA] _is nearest_
   HELIOGABALUS' _bed. In the narrow space between this huge
   bed and_ HELIOGABALUS' _there is a small night table,
   and on it are a lamp and a bottle of water and goblet. This lamp
   furnishes the only light in the room. Twelve clothes-racks, piled
   with finery, are at the extreme right._

   _As the curtain rises_, HELIOGABALUS _is propped up in bed,
   reading a scroll by the light of the lamp_. LUCIA _is the
   only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it,
   and is thus about 10 feet from_ HELIOGABALUS.

   HELIOGABALUS, _still holding the scroll in one hand,
   reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at it sourly, makes
   a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it_.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomach-ache. [_Slowly rolling
up the scroll as he gives it a final scrutiny_] Hm--hm--hm-- ...

                                 LUCIA

[_After a pause, sleepily_] What have you been doing, Cæsar?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Drinking that washing-water you make me drink, and reading.

                                 LUCIA

Reading what?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Poetry.

                                 LUCIA

[_Piously_] Poetry is corrupting.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I agree with you. Listen to this: [_Reading_]

    We shall meet beyond the Jordan
      In the heavenly fields so fair;
    We shall meet our loved and lost ones--
      There will be no parting there.

                                 LUCIA

[_Somewhat uncertainly_] Who wrote it?

                             HELIOGABALUS

One of your Christian poets--Commodianus. What you call a hymn writer.
It sickens me.

                                 LUCIA

[_Challengingly_] I like it.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, and you also like the Song of Solomon. I blush for you, little
sweetbread. The Song of Solomon is pretty raw stuff. It is astonishing
what a few months of marriage will do to an otherwise modest girl.

                                 LUCIA

[_Primly_] Solomon sang of Paradise.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, did he? But he took good care to fill Paradise with cuties. He had
the imagination of a sailor. If Paradise is actually full of that sort
of thing--if such didoes go on there--then all I can say is that--

                                 LUCIA

Now don't start moralizing, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Why not? I am moral: why shouldn't I moralize? Is it a crime for a cow
to give milk?

                                 LUCIA

[_An exclamation of disgust_] Oh, you always--

                             HELIOGABALUS

I have been faithful to you, little pullet, for 180 days and, what's
more, 180 _nights_. How's that for morals? I defy you to find me a
Christian to match it, at any weight. Think of it! Here am I, still in
the prime of life, Emperor of Rome, Pontifex Maximus and all the rest
of it, and yet I am as virtuous as a convict in the death-house. Here
am I without a glass of schnapps for six months. Here am I with twelve
wives, at least five of them charming, and I lock eleven of them out,
and--

                                 LUCIA

You must obey the Word.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, I have obeyed it. And what do I get for it? I still have my
stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a
mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [_He throws the scroll
on the floor_] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am
used to society at night. Loneliness always starts up my dyspepsia.
How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed
and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one
another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less
perfect innocence. There was always at least _one_ awake. And when she
saw me sitting up wearily, tortured by some business of state, she
would crawl over and pour me out a drink of the real stuff, and then
snuggle into bed with me, and stroke my hair, and--

                                 LUCIA

There was always an Eye upon you. There was One who saw.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, if there was, then I call it damned bad form. Even the gods
should have _some_ decency.

                                 LUCIA

[_Horrified_] Decency?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, then, say good manners.

                                 LUCIA

Now you blaspheme, Cæsar. You should pray.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I am willing. I have no objection to prayer--in its proper place. As
you may recall, I was originally designed for the church: it was only
accident that threw me into politics. But your proposal, now--your
scheme of praying _here_ every evening--isn't it a bit vulgar?

                                 LUCIA

What an idea!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Still, I can't rid myself of it. It haunts my conscience, so to speak.
Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a--_bed_room! Don't you
get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle--indelicate?

                                 LUCIA

I think you are talking nonsense.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet_] Maybe
I am. [_He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out_] But isn't that
precisely what a man seeks in marriage--a sort of virtuous nonsense?
You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are
filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people
would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. There are twenty
Jews in the arena, and the guards let out the lions. One Jew tries to
climb up another Jew. Imagine the fun!

                                 LUCIA

How you talk!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Rubbing his stomach, as if feeling a pain_] Nevertheless, it is
actual fun, genuine humour--and I naturally want to squat on my little
rearo, throw back my ears and yell. But I am the Emperor, and so I must
keep my dignity. Every one else whoops and bawls, but if I go further
than a snicker then it begins to be talked of in the barber-shops,
and people say that I am drinking too much. [_He casts a self-pitying
glance at the water-bottle_] Even as it is, a good many of them think
that I am somewhat--flightier--than I ought to be. For example,
consider my interest in you--especially my interest in your faith--this
so-called Christianity of yours. Well, to _you_ it may be serious
enough, but think how it must appear to the average respectable Roman.
_He_ regards it as simply pishposh--and he thinks of _me_ much as he
would think of me if he heard that I was interested in some sort of
idiotic Egyptian sorcery.

                                 LUCIA

[_Primly_] I see no possible connection.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Naturally not, little canary. You are not a Roman. Well, neither
am I. I was born in Syria. I am hyphenated. But now to get to my
point. First, my business all day is solemn; secondly, these little
theological debates of ours in the evening are solemn. So you see what
is the matter. I lack recreation. I lack--well, there is nothing to
distract and mellow my mind.

                                 LUCIA

[_With a touch of sarcasm_] Well, what do you suggest?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Brightening_] I suggest, first of all, little squash-pie, that you
come over here and give your little papa a great big kiss.

                                 LUCIA

[_Still primly_] You had better go to sleep.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What! At ten o'clock! That's another thing: this ten o'clock business.
Really I--

                                 LUCIA

It is time.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, it is time for a kiss. Plenty of time--time for a good, long,
damp, sticky one. [_Wheedling, half rising_] Now, come on, Lucia! Be
nice!

   [_She rolls one eye at him, but doesn't answer. He projects one leg
   out of bed_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Shall I? [_She rolls the other eye indifferently_] Do you dare me? I
double-dare you to dare me!

   [_She remains silent_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Now completely out of bed, and standing in the narrow space between
the beds_] Well, here goes etiquette! Strictly speaking, my gumdrop,
you should come to _me_. Remember, I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex
Maximus. But let it go. Do I get the kiss?

                                LUCIA

[_With a stiff coquetry_] _A_ kiss--perhaps.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Only perhaps. And only _a_ kiss?

                                 LUCIA

[_Slightly unbending_] Well, then, maybe--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, then maybe what?

                                 LUCIA

Maybe _a_ kiss.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Hear, hear! Maybe _a_ kiss! And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex
Maximus, not to say a husband! [_He climbs into the big bed and starts
across toward_ LUCIA _on hands and knees. She begins to roll
away from him_] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? [_He
falls flat_] Halt! [_He gets in motion again_] Remember, sweet oyster:
love, honour _and_ obey!

   [LUCIA _eludes him, and he descends to various monkey-shines by way
   of wheedling her. He grabs a pillow and hurls it at her and she
   flings it back at him. Finally, to the tune of her screeches, he
   reaches her. He grabs her arm._

   [_At this instant there is a heavy knocking at the door._
   HELIOGABALUS _leaps back, and listens on hands and knees, ears up,
   in the attitude of a cocker-spaniel_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

Thirty thousand oh-hells!

                                 LUCIA

[_Covering her ears with pillows_] Cæsar!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He crawls out of the big bed very clumsily, and into his own bed
again_] Who is it? [_An unintelligible voice is heard outside_] Who?
[_Another blubber_] What? [_Another_] Who? [_Another_]

                                 LUCIA

It must be Rufinius.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Ah, Rufinius! So it's Rufinius? And I told him I was--reading. [_He
slides out of bed into the space between the two beds and grasps the
heavy water-bottle by the neck_]

                                 LUCIA

[_In alarm_] Don't hurt him!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Sh-h-h-h! [_The knock is repeated_] Sh-h-h-h! [_He takes a firm grip on
the bottle_] Come in!

   [_As the door opens and_ RUFINIUS' _head appears_, HELIOGABALUS
   _lets fly with the bottle. It misses_ RUFINIUS _by a foot, but he
   ducks back and slams the door. A moment's silence_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

I bet it singed him, anyway.

   [_He climbs back into bed_]

                                 LUCIA

You might have killed him.

                             HELIOGABALUS

_Might_ have killed him. I _ought_ to have killed him. I'll attend to
it in the morning.

                                 LUCIA

He thinks I made you throw that bottle at him. [_Pause_] He doesn't
like me.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Wearily_] Nonsense. What makes you think so?

                                 LUCIA

I just simply _know_ it.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Testily_] Hang this intuition! _How_ do you know it? What's the
evidence?

                                 LUCIA

[_Somewhat reluctantly_] Well, when I gave him a tract one day last
week he wouldn't take it.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Why not?

                                 LUCIA

He said he was a heathen, and proud of it. He said his father was a
Gaulish prince and worshipped idols. I warned him of--hell-fire.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And what did he say to that?

                                 LUCIA

He said--well, he said he had made up his mind to _go_ to hell.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Chuckling_] Good for old Rufinius! For that I'll have to let him off.
Remind me _not_ to have him killed in the morning.

                                 LUCIA

[_Querulously_] You seem to sympathize with him.

                             HELIOGABALUS

In a sense, yes. Things are not as they used to be--not as he likes
them. Rufinius, you see, is getting old, and old fellows dislike
changes.

                                 LUCIA

Have I changed anything?

                             HELIOGABALUS

You surely have. The palace is not quite the--well, not quite what it
used to be.

                                 LUCIA

[_Defiantly_] The change is for the better, Cæsar!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Morally, yes. _Spiritually_, yes. But--er, _socially_, so to
speak,--[_a pause_]--hardly. [_He climbs wearily into bed_] Almost I am
persuaded--

                                 LUCIA

[_Sniffling_] You are longing for those awful women. You want them back.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Trying to convince himself of his own earnestness_] No, no. Really
not, I assure you. I feel like--like a man who has come out of a lion's
cage into a--

                                 LUCIA

Into a what?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_At a loss_] Into a--er--into--

                                 LUCIA

[_Banally_] Into Paradise?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Quickly_] Well, surely not into Solomon's Paradise! [_Bitterly_] Har,
har!

                                 LUCIA

Still, you miss them.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Of course I do. Wouldn't a man miss--well, whatever he has become
accustomed to? Wouldn't he miss his underdrawers?

                                 LUCIA

There you go again!

                             HELIOGABALUS

What have I done _now_? Mentioned underdrawers! Well, if a man isn't to
mention his underdrawers to his wife, who _is_ he to talk about them
to? And if he doesn't talk about them in a bedroom, _where_ is he to
talk about them?

                                 LUCIA

[_Primly_] Why talk about them at all?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Why? Simply because they _have_ to be talked about. [_With growing
irascibility_] Don't their buttons come off? Don't they get lost in
the wash? Don't they shrink? Don't they split up the back? Don't they
tickle?

                                 LUCIA

Well, why didn't you let me know it?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Know what?

                                 LUCIA

That their buttons were off, and--

                             HELIOGABALUS

But they are _not_ off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration.
As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.

                                 LUCIA

I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why
don't you go to sleep?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Wearily_] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble
_used_ to be that I didn't get sleep _enough_. But now--! [_He composes
himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in
bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and
whining_] I've got a stomach-ache.

                                 LUCIA

[_Raising herself and gazing at him_] Are you cold, Cæsar?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Bitterly_] Who'd care if I froze to death?... And why do you persist
in always calling me _Cæsar_? It's so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My
old wives used to call me pet names--like Helio and Gabby.

                                 LUCIA

[_After a pause, archly_] Would you really like me to kiss you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He sits up quickly, and stares at her_] Say that again. Louder.

                                 LUCIA

Would you really like me to kiss you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_With a sigh_] You say it just as you might say, "Will you have
another plate of fish-soup?"

                                 LUCIA

But _would_ you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Meditatively_] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my
stomach-ache--if it was a real kiss. [_With elaborate manner_] Am I to
understand that you have an itch in that direction?

                                 LUCIA

[_Taken aback_] Itch?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination,
an impulse--a prompting.

                                 LUCIA

[_Getting out of bed_] Now I'll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you,
with a Christian love.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Somewhat at a loss_] Positively, darling, you alarm me.

   [_She has got to_ HELIOGABALUS' _bed by now. She enters
   the space between the two beds, and he sits up and takes her by the
   waist_]

                                 LUCIA

There!

   [_She kisses him--but very formally and briefly_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Ah!

                                 LUCIA

Now, Cæsar, you _know_ I love you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now
for another, sweet icebox--and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy.
Let yourself go a bit. Don't hold your breath. Don't--forgive me,
little one--be so gol-darned Christian.

   [_A long one, during which, his arms about her_, LUCIA _tries to
   fight away from him. As they fall apart_ LUCIA _grasps the bed for
   support_]


                                 LUCIA

[_Her hands to her face_] Oh!

                             HELIOGABALUS

You may well say "Oh!" Many a woman lives and _dies_ without ever
getting _such_ a kiss.

                                 LUCIA

[_Startled_] It took my breath.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Not without pride_] I dare say. [_Hospitably_] But aren't you chilly
out there? Why not come in?

                                 LUCIA

[_Suddenly covering her face with her hands_] Oh, those other women!
Those awful women!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Patting her shoulder_] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes!
I'll get rid of them--all of them!

   [_At this_, PAULA, _who has been concealed under_ HELIOGABALUS'
   _bed, suddenly pops out her head_. HELIOGABALUS _and_ LUCIA, _of
   course, cannot see her. Her face mirrors the utmost indignation and
   she strains her head to hear better_]


                                 LUCIA

All of them? Even that fat old Paula?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I'll have Paula poisoned in
the morning. She has lived too long.

                                 LUCIA

[_Horrified_] Oh, never! I won't have her poisoned.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, then, I'll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus--and ship them
both to Persia.

                                 LUCIA

But the others?

                             HELIOGABALUS

I'll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.

                                 LUCIA

[_Insinuatingly_] Even that pretty one--that Dacia?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, either marry her off [_weakening_] or send her home to her mama.
But enough of this. You'll catch your death of cold.

                                 LUCIA

[_Without warmth, as if speaking to her father_] Is there room?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, surely. [_He moves over and she climbs in_] Let me help you. [_He
gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm
around her, and they sit up together_] After all, confess that this
_is_ better than the farm over there. Now isn't it? When I crawl in
there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the
other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were
all the while, eighteen feet away. And now--

   [_Another kiss_]

                                 LUCIA

Cæsar, you are so--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Puffing out his chest_] I thought you'd like it. But it really takes
me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really
nicer than praying, isn't it?

                                 LUCIA

[_Tremulously_] I'm afraid it is--sometimes.

                             HELIOGABALUS

_Afraid_ it is? What are you afraid of?

                                 LUCIA

[_Relapsing into the Christian_] We are taught that--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you?
Well, I'll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor!
Now to proceed with the lesson--

   [_Another kiss. Toward its end there is a knock at the door._
   HELIOGABALUS _draws back and glances over his shoulder, but quickly
   resumes the buss. Another knock_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In a sudden rage_] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it's
that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And
both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!

   [LUCIA _in terror leaps from the bed and into her own bed. Another
   knock at the door_]


                                 LUCIA

You had better let him in. If it wasn't important, he surely wouldn't
risk his life.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Obviously impressed by the notion_] Maybe you are right. But let me
take at least one more shot at him as he comes in. I won't kill him.
All I want to do is to cripple him. [_Gets out of bed, but before he
can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent,
and he gives it up_] Come in!

   [_The door opens ever so little._ RUFINIUS _thrusts his
   hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he follows with
   his head, very warily. As he comes in_ PAULA _draws in her
   head_]

                               RUFINIUS

Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Severely_] Well, alarm clock?

                               RUFINIUS

A very important matter. [_He glances about him, his eyes alighting on_
LUCIA] For your Majesty's private ear. Perhaps it would be
better--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Let's hear it.

                               RUFINIUS

[_He comes closer_] I really think--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Testily_] Go on with your story, kill-joy.

   [RUFINIUS _drops his voice so that his words are not audible. The
   purport of the dialogue must be revealed by_ HELIOGABALUS' _answers
   and exclamations. While it is elaborately going on, with the backs
   of both turned to the bed_, PAULA _pokes out her head and listens
   intently_. LUCIA, _sitting up in bed, also tries hard to hear, but
   it is improbable that she catches more than an occasional word_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Aloud_] Make it short. I'm very busy. [RUFINIUS _whispers, and_
HELIOGABALUS _suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed_] What do
they want?... I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North
Wing.... She _isn't_? What! A riot--and Paula not in it? Then where
_is_ she?... Go find her. I know she's behind it.... And get the rest
to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed.... Tell them I absolutely
order it.

   [_A noise outside, and a woman's scream_]

                                 LUCIA

[_From the bed, in alarm_] What was that?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Over his shoulder, reassuringly_] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like
a nice girl.

                                 LUCIA

[_Half out_] You are having some one killed!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Bosh! Stay in bed! [_To_ RUFINIUS] Get them back in the North
Wing, and post a guard at--

   [_He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The
   sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military
   orders. A man's voice_: "Let go!" _A woman's_: "Stick him in the
   eye!"

   [HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _turn toward the closed door and gape
   at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the
   music. As they move toward it irresolutely_, PAULA _rolls from
   under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud
   whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open_]


                                 PAULA

Come in, girls! I am with you!

   [_At this_, LUCIA, _still in bed, screams shrilly, and_
   HELIOGABALUS _and_ RUFINIUS _fall back. As the
   door swings open_ CÆLESTIS _bounds in with a Praetorian
   guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bed-chamber,
   he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In
   the doorway, he collides with_ AQUILIA SEVERA, ANNIA
   FAUSTINA _and_ ALINIA, _all in a great state of
   excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring
   about them truculently_]

                                 PAULA

[_Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at_ HELIOGABALUS] There he is! He
was plotting to poison all of us!

   [_Obviously_, PAULA _strikes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a good deal of
   terror. He backs away from her, and keeps a safe distance while
   she declaims. She takes the centre of the stage at once, the other
   wives grouped behind her. After her accusation there is a moment of
   electric silence. She fixes_ HELIOGABALUS _with a glare_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Weakly_] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I--

                                 PAULA

Me first, and then the rest of you. I heard it with my own ears. And I
heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.

                                 LUCIA

[_Sitting up in bed_] You _ought_ to blush, you--you--you--

   [_She is overcome by indignation_]

                                 PAULA

Out of my bed, you--you--you!

                                 LUCIA

You--you--you--!

                                 PAULA

No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go,
where you came from!

                                 LUCIA

Do you _dare_--!

                                 PAULA

Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers,
and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.

                                 LUCIA

[_Leaping from bed_] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching
the Word. I was seeking souls.

                                 PAULA

[_Moving toward her truculently_] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking.
You had one eye on the Palace all the while.

                                 LUCIA

[_In high indignation_] There is not a word of truth in it. It is
infamous.

                                 PAULA

Bah!

                            THE OTHER WIVES

Bah! Bah!

                                 LUCIA

I was on my Master's business.

                                 PAULA

And I am here on my _own_ business. I'll give you two minutes to get
out of this room--and stay out.

   [HELIOGABALUS, _observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives
   a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and
   quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to
   observe the row._ RUFINIUS _sneaks toward the door_]


                                 LUCIA

Never in the world! This is _my_ room now. It has been sanctified!

                                 PAULA

Sanctified nothing. It's _my_ room--_our_ room. You never were
_legally_ married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a--

                                 LUCIA

Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.

                                 PAULA

Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I've seen him! He looks
like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and--

                                 LUCIA

[_Explosively_] Well, when it comes to _that_, what of yourself?
Where did _you_ come from? Doesn't everybody know that you were a
chamber-maid in Alexandria?

                                 PAULA

[_Sputtering_] I was nothing of the sort, you--! My father was a
general in the army.

                                 ANNIA

_My_ father was Governor of Macedonia.

                                 LUCIA

[_Leaping at the chance_] Oh, _was_ he? And who was your first husband?

   [_The boaster is abashed_]

                                 LUCIA

I'll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus--and he was _hanged_.

   [_The boaster begins to snivel, and_ PAULA _comes to the rescue_]


                                 PAULA

[_Grandly_] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear--

                                 LUCIA

Yes, and he was hanged six weeks _after_ that hussy came here and
tempted poor Cæsar.

   [HELIOGABALUS _turns over in the bed_]

                                 PAULA

A thumping lie! I remember every detail of it. It wasn't six weeks at
all.... And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with
you!

                                 LUCIA

I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.

                                 PAULA

This free love stuff has got to stop. And it's _my_ place to see that
it--

                                 LUCIA

It's your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and
then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful--

                                 PAULA

You're a common man-teaser.

                                 LUCIA

You are an old scare-crow!

                                 PAULA

I'll have you thrown out of the door!

                                 LUCIA

I'll have _you_ thrown out of the window!

                                 PAULA

You are a loose woman!

                                 LUCIA

You _used_ to be a loose woman!

   [_The shot injures poor old_ PAULA _so badly that she jumps at_
   LUCIA _and grabs her by the arm, shaking her furiously_]


                                 PAULA

I _dare_ you to say such a thing!

                                 LUCIA

Let me go, you--you--infidel! I'll--

   [_She wrests herself free and deals_ PAULA _a clout over the head_.
   PAULA _lunges at her with vast ferocity, but she quickly delivers
   another blow. A huge uproar._ HELIOGABALUS _stretches his neck to
   see it_. RUFINIUS _several times steps forward as if to interfere,
   but always thinks better of it_. PAULA _has the advantage of weight,
   but_ LUCIA _is by far the more agile. Various shrill exclamations_
   "Oh, you will, will you? Take that! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Whoop!"
   etc. _To the extreme right, beyond the large bed, is the fleet of
   coat-racks, each enormously laden with feminine finery._ PAULA
   _backs_ LUCIA _into them, but straightway comes to grief herself,
   for_ LUCIA _upsets the nearest upon her, and, when she falls, heaves
   another after it_. PAULA, _completely buried in clothes, yells for
   help, and the three other wives, who have so far done no more than
   encourage her with shouts, now come to the attack_. LUCIA, _leaping
   behind another rack, pushes it at them, and it halts them. Then,
   seeing herself outdone by numbers, she calls for help herself_]


                                 LUCIA

Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically_] Did I hear you call?
What's the trouble? Have you dropped something?

                                 LUCIA

[_At the top of her lungs_] These filthy creatures are trying to kill
me!

                                 PAULA

[_Under the pile of clothes_] She _bit_ me!

   [_The other wives unearth_ PAULA _and stand her on her feet. It is
   seen that she has a black eye._ LUCIA _retreats to the door at the
   left and stands there at bay. The other wives haul_ PAULA _toward
   the centre of the stage_. HELIOGABALUS _crosses to a place between_
   LUCIA _and the others_]


                                 LUCIA

[_Hysterically_] That old washtub tried to stab me.

                                 PAULA

[_Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye_] It's a dirty
lie! She kicked me in the--

                                 LUCIA

She called me awful names!

                               CÆLESTIS

I saw her draw a dagger!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where
you are?

                                 PAULA

I am in my own room. This room is mine.

                                AQUILIA

And ours.

                                 PAULA

Yes, and theirs.

                                 LUCIA

[_Furiously_] It's mine!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Decisively_] It's _mine_. [_Coolly, with judicial poise_] And it
wouldn't be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such
proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long
years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to
Persia in the extreme--

                                 PAULA

[_Bursting into tears_] You bring in a woman off the streets--

                                 LUCIA

[_In tears, too_] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable
old--

                             HELIOGABALUS

As I was saying, ladies, in all my--

                                 PAULA

I demand that that creature be put out!

                                 LUCIA

I demand my rights as your wife!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of
jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a
case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in _one_ side
it is enough. If he has an interest in _both_ sides, then surely--

                                 LUCIA

Both sides?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Exactly.

                                 LUCIA

Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this--this
fat old--this--?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and
judicially. Granting all you say--though I am by no means granting
it--the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman--if not
Christian--law, I am married to this lady--these ladies--and that that
marriage--those marriages--is and are still legally binding. With the
fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their
somewhat unwise and emotional appear--

                                 LUCIA

Oh, what a--!

                             HELIOGABALUS

All I ask is that you try to--

                                 LUCIA

Then you don't love me.

                                 ANNIA

The idea!

                             HELIOGABALUS

I protest, my dear, that--

                                 LUCIA

[_Bursting into tears_] Then you don't love me! Then you told me a
falsehood! You aren't a Christian! I--I--I--

   [_Quite undone by her feelings, she suddenly hides her face in her
   hands, darts to the left-hand door, swings it open, runs out, and
   slams it after her_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Starting toward the door after her_] My dear girl, I--

                                 PAULA

[_Resolutely_] Let her go!

                             HELIOGABALUS

But she'll catch cold out there. Remember, she has on a very light--

                               CÆLESTIS

Very light nothing. It's flannel. Anyway, she deserves to catch cold.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Really, Cælestis, you are quite savage.

                                 PAULA

Who wouldn't be, the way we have been treated? [_Conciliatingly_] But
I say nothing against _you_. I know how you are when such a minx gets
after you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Let us not discuss it.

                                 PAULA

[_Bitterly_] No; what's the use? I have had eighteen years of it--first
in the East and now here in Rome. I know you can't help it, poor old
dear. One glance at such a doll and you are gone. [_To the other
wives_] And now let us try to forget it. It's getting late.

   [_Instantly they begin to take off their outer garments and let down
   their hair_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In alarm_] What are you doing?

                                 PAULA

[_Grimly_] Getting ready to go to bed. We are sleepy.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But, my dear--look, there is Rufinius still in the room!

   [_The wives glance at_ RUFINIUS, _scream and try to hide
   themselves_. RUFINIUS, _much embarrassed, ducks out of the
   door_]

                                 PAULA

[_With a bitter grin_] Well, now he's gone.

   [_She continues disrobing_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

But, but--this is really quite irregular. Let us wait until we are all
a bit less excited, as it were. Now be a good girl. [_Wheedlingly_] Go
back to bed in the North Wing, and let me collect my thoughts a bit.

                                 PAULA

Here I am, and here I stay.

   [_She throws her girdle over one of the coat-racks_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

But in a minute Lucia'll be coming back, and then--

   [_He frantically begins dressing and racing against the undressers_]

                                 PAULA

If she comes back, I'll bite her again.

   [_She kicks off her sandals_]

                                AQUILIA

[_Emerging in nothing save a short shift_] Do you think _we_ would
sleep in a bed with such a creature?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Drawing his tunic over his head in wild alarm_] But the poor girl
must sleep _somewhere_.

                                 PAULA

Let her sleep out in the corridor.

   [_She drops her outer dress and stands forth in a grotesque chemise,
   decorated with little blue ribbons. The sight so far appals_
   HELIOGABALUS _that disgust is converted into indignation
   and indignation into resolution_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Very well, then. If _she_ must sleep out there, then _I_ sleep out
there too!

   [_He is now pretty fully dressed and struggles into his sandals_]

                                 PAULA

[_Somewhat shaken_] You're not going to leave us?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Adjusting his tunic_] I _am_ going to leave _us_!

                                 PAULA

Leave us here all alone?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Aren't there four of you?

                                 PAULA

But with not a man in the room?

                                 ANNIA

[_Whimpering_] Suppose burglars should break in?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sarcastically_] Paula can deal with them.

                                 PAULA

[_In tears_] No, I can't!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Then let Rufinius come in. He can have my bed.

                                 PAULA

[_With a yell_] The idea! Do you accuse me of--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_At the door to the extreme left_] I accuse you of nothing. [_Opening
the door_] And now--

   [_As he throws the door open_, LUCIA _is revealed. She has been
   eavesdropping and is much distraught_]


                                 LUCIA

[_In a faint voice_] I am cold.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Uncertainly_] I was just coming out to--

                                 LUCIA

   [_Catching sight of the wives_--PAULA _in the middle of the floor
   in her chemise and the other three in bed--she gives a scream and
   totters toward the centre of the stage. There she does a grand faint
   at_ PAULA'S _feet_]


                                 PAULA

[_Leaping back_] Oh, my God!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Solemnly_] You have killed her. She has frozen to death.

                                 PAULA

[_Alarmed_] I did nothing of the sort. She went out of her own free
will.

                                AQUILIA

[_Jumping from bed_] Get her into bed, quick!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Reaching down and grabbing her under the arms_] Get her into _my_ bed.

   [_The other wives pile out, and help_ PAULA _and_ HELIOGABALUS _to
   carry her to his bed_]


                                 PAULA

[_Snivelling_] I wouldn't have hurt her for the world.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Tell Rufinius to get those two doctors I pardoned.

   [PAULA, _still in her chemise, rushes to the door, flings it open
   and exits_]


                               CÆLESTIS

Rub her wrists.

                                 ANNIA

Have you a key? Try a key at the back of her neck.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Cover her up!

                                AQUILIA

Try massaging her ears.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Go get some water.

   [AQUILIA _rushes to the door, flinging it open just in time to
   admit_ PISO _and_ POLORUS. _They come in at a gallop, followed
   by_ RUFINIUS, PAULA _and a slave pushing a wheeled table covered
   with huge bottles, rolls of plasters, etc. The scene must move at
   lightning speed_]


                                 PISO

[_Idiotically, in great excitement_] Which is the patient? [_He looks
from one wife to another, and then observes_ LUCIA _on the
bed_] Ah!

                                POLORUS

[_Crowding to the front_] Pass me the brandy.

                                 PISO

Brandy? On what theory?

                                POLORUS

This is no time for theories, idiot! The patient needs help.

                                 PISO

Well, how are you going to help her until you establish the diagnosis?

                                POLORUS

What could be plainer? A horse-doctor could see that she has fainted.

   [_He proceeds to pour out a large drink of the brandy_]

                                 PISO

[_Very learnedly_] Suppose it is _coma_? Suppose she has been
_poisoned_?

   [PAULA _gives a shriek_]

                                POLORUS

Nonsense! Then where is your cyanosis?

   [_He proceeds to lift_ LUCIA'S _head and pour some of the
   brandy into her mouth_]

                                 PISO

Stop! I forbid it!

   [_During this rapid dialogue the three other wives flutter about,
   and_ HELIOGABALUS _and_ PAULA _crowd close to the
   bed_]

                                POLORUS

[_Continuing with the brandy_] I stand on my Hippocratic oath. I insist
on the brandy.

                                 PISO

I appeal to your decency. Don't kill the patient. [PAULA
_screams again_] Let me feel her pulse.

                                POLORUS

Stand back! You are suffocating her!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Losing patience_] Here, fools! Give me the goblet.

   [_He seizes it and pours half of its contents down_ LUCIA'S _throat.
   She gasps, coughs, gags and then gradually sits up. As she opens her
   eyes she sights_ PAULA]


                                 LUCIA

[_An exclamation of terror_] Oh! Oh! Take her away!

   [PAULA _hops back in great confusion_]

                                 PAULA

[_Ingratiatingly_] Don't be afraid, dearie.

                                 LUCIA

[_Screams_] She tried to stab me!

                                 PAULA

[_In great excitement_] The idea! I never did anything--

                                 LUCIA

I can see the devil standing behind her!

   [PAULA _swings about quickly to look behind her, loses her balance,
   throws up her arms, and falls down with a crash_]


                                 PAULA

Help!

                                POLORUS

[_Rushing to the rescue_] Brandy! Brandy!

   [_A great hub-bub. The wives crowd around_]

                                 PISO

[_Shrilly, over the tumult_] I forbid it!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Give her air!

[POLORUS _applies the brandy jug to_ PAULA'S _lips and she begins to
gurgle, gag and blubber_]

                                 PAULA

[_Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor_] That
Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.

                                 LUCIA

[_Shrilly, from the bed_] There _are_ devils in her! She is like the
Gadarene swine.

                                 PAULA

[_Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and_
HELIOGABALUS] Liar!

                                 LUCIA

She is possessed by demons, Cæsar.

                                 PAULA

[_Again in great fright_] Let me out of here! I feel something coming
over me!

                                AQUILIA

I feel it, too. I--I--

   [_She flops across the big bed._ POLORUS _leaps to the rescue with
   the brandy-jug, but as he reaches her she sits up and knocks it out
   of his hand_]


                                 PISO

[_Prancing about_] Where is the ammonia? Who has the ammonia bottle?

   [_He searches for it on the wheeled table, but can't find it_]

                                 PAULA

Let me out! Let me out!

                                POLORUS

Ammonia your grandmother! Where are the sedatives? Who took the
poppy-water? Where is the poppy-water?

   [_He makes a wild search for it_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Quietly_] I think you're right. They need something to calm their
nerves. [_He finds and seizes the bottle_] Ah, here it is! Ammonia
would half kill them.

                                 PISO

I protest!

                                 PAULA

I want to get out of here.

   [RUFINIUS _tries to calm her_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

One second, darling. [_As_ POLORUS _offers her a goblet of the
poppy-water_] Now be a nice little girl, and swallow this medicine. It
will make you dream beautifully.

                                 PAULA

[_Dubiously_] What is it, doctor?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Never ask a doctor what anything is. Remember your manners. He mightn't
know. It will make you dream that you are seventeen, and in love with a
gladiator.

                                 PAULA

You're sure it won't hurt me?

                                POLORUS

Oh, absolutely no.

                                 PISO

I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ PISO] Silence! [_To_ PAULA] Now down with it.

   [_She drinks it, and at once grows somewhat calmer. Gradually she
   succumbs, and by the time she goes out she is very sleepy_]

                                 PAULA

[_Smacking her lips_] It tastes like--it tastes like--

                                POLORUS

Exactly. And now for the other ladies. Who's next?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sharply_] Cælestis!

   [_The wife on the bed struggles up and comes forward_]

                                POLORUS

[_The goblet in hand_] Ready?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Shut your eyes!

   [CÆLESTIS _swallows the dose without a word_]

                                POLORUS

[_Refilling the goblet_] Next!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Come, Aquilia.

                                AQUILIA

[_Doubtfully_] It won't make me fat?

                                POLORUS

Oh, surely not.

                                AQUILIA

You're positive?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Positive. Down with it. [_She swallows the dose_] And now little Annia.
One, two, three!

   [POLORUS _fills the goblet again and it goes down immediately_]

                                POLORUS

Ah! So much for that!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Herding the wives toward the door_] And now you girls try to get some
rest, and leave the doctors with poor Lucia. I'm afraid it may be a
case for immediate operation. They'll have to examine her from head to
foot.

                                 LUCIA

[_From the bed_] I won't have any operation! I won't be examined from
head to foot! The power of the spirit is enough.

                                 PISO

Oh, hardly.

                                 LUCIA

[_Petulantly_] I refuse to be cut up!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now, now, be calm. Look at the other girls. [_To_ PAULA] And
now try to get some rest. I'll come out to see you immediately after
the operation. [_Moving her toward the door, the others following_]
Take things easily for--

                                 PAULA

I feel so--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, yes, but you'll feel better presently.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ POLORUS _in a hoarse whisper_] Give them all another dose--a
double dose. Especially Paula. She has the stomach of a policeman.

   [_The wives wobble out, followed by_ POLORUS, _the slave with the
   table of medicines, and_ RUFINIUS. _Only_ PISO _remains_]


                                 PISO

[_Ingratiatingly_] Your Majesty's excellent suggestion of an operation
is--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Turning with great deliberation, and kicking_ PISO _in the rear_] Out!

   [PISO, _after an instant of amazement, leaps for the door and
   disappears_]


                                 LUCIA

That Paula is an old hyena, Cæsar. She tried to bite me.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He seats himself on the edge of the big bed, his legs swinging in
the open space between the two beds. His manner is that of weariness
and resignation_] Yes, she's somewhat--explosive. I am afraid she's
sometimes unwise in the use of--er, stimulants?

                                 LUCIA

Afraid? She's been drunk for months--ever since--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, she's taken it very hard.

                                 LUCIA

[_Somewhat oratorically_] Wine is a mocker. Strong drink is raging.

                             HELIOGABALUS

A mocker, yes--but also a consoler. Don't forget that poor old Paula
must have time to get used to things. I daresay the new regulations
rather oppress her.

                                 LUCIA

You mean she longs for all those old dissipations--those banquets every
night, and all that worldly carnality--and this room full of those
awful women?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Exactly, though I doubt that she'd describe it in just that way. You
see, she was brought up in Alexandria--a rather lively burg. It's all
a matter of training. Here she had certain responsibilities, certain
interesting duties--

                                 LUCIA

Yes, I know what those duties were. They were sinful in the sight of
God.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Perhaps. Nevertheless, they occupied her mind. Let us be just to her.
She was competent. She knew her business. I never had any trouble with
those girls while _she_ was in charge of them.

                                 LUCIA

Those scarlet women!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now you are exaggerating. They are all quite respectable. My marriage
to every one of them is, as I've told you, sound in Roman law.

                                 LUCIA

But not in the eye of God. The Scripture says "A bishop shall have but
one wife."

                             HELIOGABALUS

But I'm not a bishop.

                                 LUCIA

Well, surely no one ought to be allowed more wives than a bishop.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Granted. But here they are.

                                 LUCIA

Turn them away. Read the Word.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_A bit irritated_] Yes, yes; I have read it. The theory is very
lovely. It has affected me greatly; I have adopted it as you know. But
here I have these girls legally on my hands, and surely you wouldn't
ask me to--

                                 LUCIA

You should be glad to get rid of them. Such a pack of--of--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now, now, I must really forbid you. Paula, of course, is open to a
certain criticism, at least æsthetically. And Cælestis is probably no
stunner. But among the others there are certainly a number who--

                                 LUCIA

[_Tearfully_] You don't love me in the proper Christian way!

                             HELIOGABALUS

What nonsense! I love you to an extreme degree. [_He takes up and
kisses her hand_] My affection for you is really colossal. But let
us be just. Surely it's absurd to say that _all_ of them are--well,
offensive. There are surely exceptions.

                                 LUCIA

[_Resolutely_] Not one.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, come now. For example, there is Dacia. I haven't seen her for these
long months, but I remember her quite clearly. Surely Dacia has a
certain charm. She is young, she has a good complexion, she sings very
acceptably, and she--

                                 LUCIA

I see what is the matter. You are homesick for her and her kind. For
her and the old infidel life.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Not at all. I merely remember her. That's all. I merely remember. A
toothsome girl. But a lady. Her father was a philosopher in Athens ...
she wasn't in that crowd. She is naturally affectionate.

                                 LUCIA

And kissing all the time, I suppose. Never a moment for the things of
the spirit. Always the flesh.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, by no means. I really wouldn't have permitted it. I quite agree
with you there. Such things may be overdone. At my age.

                                 LUCIA

But you like it, don't you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Looking at her sharply_] Yes--on occasion. But there is where I agree
with you: that is the precise reason why the thing should be limited.
[_A bit wistfully_] If one kissed too much, one would be too happy. And
that, of course, wouldn't do at all.

                                 LUCIA

The happiness of this life is as dust.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Grudgingly_] So you tell me.

                                 LUCIA

The happiness to come is eternal.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, I hope so. But, you see, my trouble is old Paula's. I was brought
up wrong. I suppose it is incurable. I notice, at times, an almost
irresistible lasciviousness--what you call worldliness. [_Amorously_]
When I see you there in your nightie I forget all about Christianity
and can hardly resist the temptation to throw my arms around you and
give you a hug. I know it's wrong, but there it is.

                                 LUCIA

[_Somewhat shaken_] Well, I shouldn't call it lasciviousness. And it
isn't exactly wrong.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Ironically_] No?

                                 LUCIA

The Scriptures say--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Ah? Then let us be glad they approve it, little pot-pie. It is pleasant
to be virtuous--that is, more or less.

                                 LUCIA

[_Demurely after a pause_] Do you want to kiss me?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He begins slowly to take off his tunic. As he answers, it is over his
head_] I am perfectly willing. But, I warn you, I'm not going to stand
any more Christian kisses. And what's more, if I'm interrupted any more
by any low-comedy Palais Royal knocking on that dog-gone door just as I
am on the point of--

   [_He is duly cut short by a loud knocking on the door. He tries
   to get out of his tunic quickly, and then, thinking better of it,
   decides to let it down again_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Wrathfully_] What is it now? [_An unintelligible answer from
without_] Hey? [_Another mumble_] I can't hear you. Come in.

   [_Enter_ RUFINIUS. _He stops near the door and glances at_
   LUCIA _dubiously_]

                               RUFINIUS

I came in, Majesty, to report--

   [_He stops_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Coming down toward_ RUFINIUS] What! I'm good and damn sick
of this "I came in to report, Majesty," just as I'm about to--What's
up? More trouble?

                               RUFINIUS

No, Majesty. The ladies are all asleep.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Hear, hear! And he "comes in to report, Majesty" just as Majesty is
about to--

                               RUFINIUS

The Empress Paula is breathing very heavily, Majesty. The doctors are
trying to revive her.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In a sudden rage_] What! Revive her! Seven thousand loud damns. Tell
them to give her another dose of the same--give them another dose all
'round. Tell those quacks that--the infernal boobies! Off go their toes
if a single patient wakes--and both ears. Now quick, before they revive
her!

   [_Pushes_ RUFINIUS _toward the door_]

                               RUFINIUS

As you order, Majesty. But there is another matter.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What is it, foul fool?

                               RUFINIUS

Another one of the ladies has come over from the North Wing--Dacia.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Softening_] Ah, Dacia! What does she want? Surely _she_--

                               RUFINIUS

Oh, not at all. She asked me to inquire how her Majesty is, and if you
yourself are feeling quite well.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Ah, very thoughtful of her. Tell her I am quite well. And don't forget
to thank her. Remember, Rufinius, give her my thanks.

                               RUFINIUS

[_Going to the door_] As you order, Emperor.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Tell her not to neglect her music lessons. And--but just say I may want
to see her for an instant tomorrow--some business--of state--that I had
forgotten.

                               RUFINIUS

As ordered, Majesty.

   [_He goes out_]

                                 LUCIA

You are still thinking of that heathen Dacia.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Nonsense, sweet potato. You are really quite absurd. [_Suddenly
irritated_] Damn it all, a man must be polite.

                                 LUCIA

[_Jealously_] But you used to love her before I converted you to the
Faith.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Starting to take off his tunic again_] Ah, who knows? Love--what is
it? A sort of optical delusion, an enchantment--almost alcoholic.

   [_He gets it over his head, and stands rubbing his bare arms and
   shoulders_]

                                 LUCIA

Love comes from the soul.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, even the soul takes a hack at it.

   [_He starts to climb into the small bed_]

                                 LUCIA

[_Loudly_] Where _are_ you going?

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_His leg in mid-air, coaxing in baby-like tone_] Please! I don't want
to sleep over there--[_indicating the big bed_]--in Siberia. It's so
cold--and when I get cold it always gives me my stomach-ache.

                                 LUCIA

No! One must not think of the flesh, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But you're my wife, aren't you? You wouldn't have me freeze to death?

                                 LUCIA

But not a pagan wife. I am a Christian wife.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Well, doesn't a Christian wife promise to cherish her husband? [_Still
coaxing, and shivering_] Please!

                                 LUCIA

No.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Please, please!

                                 LUCIA

Again, no, Cæsar.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_With a weary sigh, crawling into the big bed_] Lucia, I can't
understand you or this Christianity either. What's the idea of trying
to make people miserable by forbidding them to do what they want to,
and then, when they're unhappy about it, telling them they're awfully
happy but don't know it?

   [LUCIA _rolls over and does not reply_. HELIOGABALUS _sighs_]


                             HELIOGABALUS

Anyway, I don't seem to get used to this going to bed sober. [_He
props himself up in bed, and rambles on without paying much heed to_
LUCIA] Now, you were saying that love is of the soul. But see what a
conclusion it brings you to: then even old Paula must have a soul, for
old Paula used to love me.

                                 LUCIA

[_Sleepily_] Paula, too, has an immortal soul.

                             HELIOGABALUS

The gods forbid! [_Humorously_] But what of, er--what of, say Dacia,
for example?

                                 LUCIA

[_Yawning_] This Dacia, too, has a soul.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Nobly spoken. And much better news! [_Half dreamily_] But what is this
so-called soul you speak of? Is it a gas? Has it got length, breadth,
thickness? Is the soul in the body, or the body in the soul? When I
used to cut a Christian into two halves, which half was the soul in?
Was _it_ divided too? Well, then, suppose I had him run through a
sausage cutter, and he came out, say, in four million pieces: was the
soul in four million pieces, too? You say that the soul re-enters the
body on the day of judgment. Well, suppose I take two Jews and cut off
their heads, and put the head of A on the body of B, and vice versa.
Does the soul of A go into the body of A or into the head of A, which
is on the body of B? If it goes into the head, is it responsible for
the sins of the body of B? [_He reaches over and, slyly watching_ LUCIA
_out of the corner of his eye, pours out a goblet of the brandy which
the doctors have left there, slowly sipping it with much lip-smacking
as he goes on_] Do you follow me?

                                 LUCIA

[_Half asleep_] Oh, how you talk, Cæsar!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Talk? Talking is my trade, little icicle. Talk is the heart's blood
of politics.... And of love. I used to have even greater skill than
I have today. He had a smooth and slippery tongue, had Heliogabalus.
Years ago, when I was a lieutenant in the army, I used to--[_sighs_]
Well, they were all willing: my conscience is perfectly clear. As the
lawyers say, _Caveat emptor_. When a girl has a taste for epigrams
she must be careful: a man of my wit is dangerous. I'll never forget
my poor dear first wife--good old Marcia. It was an epigram that made
her fall in love with me. I remember the circumstances perfectly. She
was complaining that love was beyond her comprehension--that it was
ineffable, indescribable, transcendental. "Love," _I_ replied, with
droll perspicacity, "Love," I replied, "is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence."

   [_He chuckles_]

                                 LUCIA

   [_Yawns audibly, and turns over_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

You interrupt me, cold darling. What I was about to say is that poor
old Marcia laughed so hard she rolled clear out of bed. An old joke--as
old as the Babylonians. But fact! You should have heard the bump when
she landed on her--[_a sidelong glance_]--her upholstery. I had to haul
her back into bed. [_He sips again_] Ah, love, indeed! A short preface
to a long book! [_He pauses and waits for appreciation. No sound comes
from_ LUCIA. _He goes on in a slightly louder voice_] Love
is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. [_Another inquiring
glance at_ LUCIA] When loves dies there is never any funeral:
the corpse remains in the house. [_Another_] A woman in love is less
modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed of. [_A longish pause.
He takes a deep draught_] Love is the delusion that one woman differs
from another. [LUCIA _is still silent. He lifts himself to
his elbow and regards her contemplatively. He calls her softly_]
Lucia! Sweet Lucia!... Asleep! [_A sigh_] Christianity is fatal to
the--er--epigram. How Marcia used to giggle! And little Dacia! Dacia
has a sense of humour. An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose
puckers when she is a bit--squiffed. Somehow, I--[_He empties the
goblet and composes himself. The regular breathing of_ LUCIA
_can be heard_] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but
at night--[_Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the
soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in song. It is a song of love
and passion, and_ HELIOGABALUS _sits up in bed to listen.
Toward the end he glances at_ LUCIA, _scarcely concealing a
rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and
smiles amorously_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In a caressing whisper_] Dacia!


                                CURTAIN




                                ACT III




                                ACT III


   _The next night._

   _A corridor in the palace. It stretches longitudinally across the
   stage and is rather narrow. In the wall to the back there is a wide
   and high arch, covered with heavy hangings of imperial purple,
   showing two large embroidered H's, with wreaths above them, in gold.
   The solid wall of the corridor, seen to the two sides of the central
   hangings, is of coloured marble. The hangings conceal the state
   banquet hall, and the corridor is the emperor's means of getting to
   the latter from his private apartments. All decorations are simple,
   but of the utmost richness._

   _During the whole act, down to the last scene, sounds of revelry
   come from the banquet hall--laughter, music and the clinking of
   goblets--now faintly and now loudly._

   _As the curtain rises_ PISO _and_ POLORUS _enter, followed by a
   slave pushing their rolling table of medicines and instruments. They
   are in long white tunics, reaching below the knees, and with short
   sleeves--the early Roman equivalent of modern operating gowns._

                                 PISO

[_To the slave_] Here, Ambrose, shove it to this side.

   [_The slave runs the table to the left, halts it by the back wall,
   and exits_]

                                POLORUS

[_Officiously_] Where is the headache powder?

                                 PISO

[_Reaching to the shelf beneath the table, he brings up a huge blue
bottle_] Here you are. Do you think we have enough?

                                POLORUS

It's enough to kill them, but I doubt that it's enough to cure them,
once they get started.

                                 PISO

Well, if we run out of it, we can give them some cholera mixture.
They'll never know the difference.

                                POLORUS

[_Busily arranging the bottles_] All this does me good, my boy. It
makes me young again.

                                 PISO

Do you think the moral movement is really over?

                                POLORUS

If it isn't, then why this good old-fashioned banquet? Why all the old
crowd? Why all the old girls? I suspect that Paula arranged the whole
thing. Have you seen the list of guests?

                                 PISO

No.

                                POLORUS

Well, not a tank is missing. Every zinc-lined stomach and copper-plated
kidney in Rome is here. By the way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?

                                 PISO

[_Indicating them_] Here are six.

                                POLORUS

Maybe that will be enough. [_He roots among the medicines_] I have a
feeling that this will finish the Christian wife. She'll never stand
for an old-time banquet.

                                 PISO

Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on
its legs, the doctoring business would go to pot. All this praying and
fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim
of medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own
vices. If he gives up his vices, then--

                                POLORUS

But he never does. All he ever comes to is the exchange of one vice for
another. This praying that you mention is a vice. Fasting is a vice.
Going to bed at ten o'clock is a vice.

                                 PISO

Maybe so. But I am speaking medically. The medicine that _we_ studied
was designed for certain ends. It supposes the existence of certain
vices. You and I know, for example, how to treat a man who has eaten
too much or who hasn't had sleep _enough_. But what of the man who has
fasted, and at the same time got too _much_ sleep? There you stand
medicine on its head. And I am too old to learn it all over again.

                                POLORUS

[_Argumentatively_] You make imaginary difficulties, Dr. Piso. Simply
give him a dose of salts, say I, and trust to luck. You talk as if a
physician had to _cure_ his patient. Nonsense. All he has to do is to
_try_ to cure him.

                                 PISO

[_Bridling_] Is _that_ so? Then how do you--

   [_He is cut short by the entrance of_ CAIUS MACRINUS _from
   the left_. CAIUS _lumbers toward_ PISO _and is
   seen to be already far gone in liquor_]

                                 CAIUS

Say, Doctor--

                                 PISO

Why, Commander! What brings you here?

                                 CAIUS

Ain't this the night of the banquet? I thought this was the night of
the banquet. If this ain't the night of the banquet, then I--

                                 PISO

Of course it is. But how did you get _here_?

                                 CAIUS

Ain't this the palace? I thought this was the palace. I saw a lot of
girls going in the basement and so I thought it was the palace.

                                 PISO

So it is. But this is the Emperor's private corridor. You ought to have
gone the other way, through the atrium.

                                 CAIUS

Excuse me, gentleman. I apologize. [_He attempts a right-about-face_]
Which way did you say? I thought I was in the palace. I saw a lot of
cuties going into the basement and so I thought it was the palace.
[_Suddenly pulling himself up_] But say, Doctor, I knew I wanted to see
you about something. You are Dr. Piso, ain't you?

                                 PISO

I am _the_ Dr. Piso.

                                 CAIUS

I remember you that time I had that carbuncle. Where was it? Somewhere
in Gaul. My, my! How the years do skip along! Here it's July
again--[_He pauses uncertainly_] Is it? Is it July again?

                                 PISO

[_Professionally_] You say you desire to consult me, Commander?

                                 CAIUS

Doctor, you know what it is--this sea-faring life. I thought my legs
would give out first. But it turns out to be my stomach.

                                 PISO

You have indigestion?

                                 CAIUS

No, sir! I can digest anything. I could eat an alligator. Tail and all.

                                 PISO

But--

                                 CAIUS

[_Looking about him cautiously_] Shhhh! I'm coming to it! I can _eat_
anything, but--but--

   [_His voice quavers_]

                                 PISO

But you're not what you used to be at--

                                 CAIUS

[_He nods mournfully_] Half a dozen bottles of wine, and I'm not worth
a damn. The fact is, I am almost a teetotaler--practically. I hardly
drink a thing--scarcely. [_He sighs boozily_] Think of what's ahead of
me tonight. They're all here--the military, the judiciary, the Senate.
If I drink with all those gold-fish, then I'll be laid up tomorrow, and
maybe die. And if I don't drink, then I disgrace the navy.

                                 PISO

Too bad. But maybe I can help you.

                                 CAIUS

That's what I was getting at, Doctor. I remember, out in Asia Minor,
how those slick Persians would take a hooch of something or other, and
then they were ready for anything. The point is, what _was_ it?

                                 PISO

Olive oil.

                                POLORUS

Ammonia.

                                 PISO

Ammonia your uncle!

                                POLORUS

[_Bitingly_] Yes, ammonia one's uncle! An ounce in a glass of milk,
before _or_ after.

                                 CAIUS

Could I take them both?

                                 PISO

Yes, if you are crazy.

                                POLORUS

Why not? The ammonia will fix him, and the olive oil won't kill him.
[_Busying himself at the table_] Let us mix them.

   [_He pours the olive oil and ammonia into a beaker, and starts to
   stir the mixture_]

                                 CAIUS

[_Getting affectionate and placing his arm around_ POLORUS'
_neck_] Oh, Doctor! Give me a big one! Don't tease me with a pony!

                                POLORUS

This is the regular size for elephants and gladiators. Now--there you
are--down with it!

   [_He hands_ CAIUS _the beaker_. CAIUS _downs it at
   a fearful gulp, and comes up spluttering and rolling his eyes_]

                                 CAIUS

[_Faintly_] Is there a chaser?

                                 PISO

No. Let it alone. The fire will go out of itself.

   [CAIUS _attempts to speak, but achieves only an
   unintelligible whisper_]

                                POLORUS

[_Elbowing him toward the left_] Go out in the atrium, Commander, and
stick your head in the pool.

   [CAIUS _again attempts to speak, but cannot, and waddles
   off_]

                                 PISO

[_Calling after him_] Don't forget the professor!

                                POLORUS

[_Coming back_] That old soak is on his last legs. Practically a
teetotaler! I wonder what he--

                                 PISO

[_At the table_] Where did you get that olive oil?

                                POLORUS

Out of the tall yellow bottle.

                                 PISO

Well, you wasted four ounces of good turpentine liniment.

                                POLORUS

[_Examining the bottles_] Um, it's six of one and half a dozen of the
other. But I _didn't_ waste any ammonia. I gave him ninety per cent.
alcohol.

                                 PISO

What are the odds? I once cured a case of chilblains with a couple of
liver pills.

                                POLORUS

You ought to try some of those pills on the Emperor.

                                 PISO

_Ought_ to try them? I have given him a keg of them.

                                POLORUS

Then it's no wonder _I_ can't cure him.

                                 PISO

[_Irascibly_] _You?_ Do you ever _cure_ patients? Oh, my word! It's
those infernal powders of yours that counteract the pills. No wonder he
gets worse. I can never give him enough of _my_ pills to catch up with
_your_ powders. If you--

   [_He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of_

   SIMON, _the Christian giant, from the right_.
   SIMON'S _eyes are staring, and he is evidently labouring
   under much excitement_]

                                 SIMON

[_In a sepulchral voice_] God be with you!

                                 PISO

[_Startled_] The same to you, Reverend. But what are _you_ doing here?

                                 SIMON

[_Mysteriously_] I have business here.

                                POLORUS

Business here? Don't you know what's going on?

                                 SIMON

I see preparations for debauchery--sin--venery--the devil's work.

                                 PISO

Not so loud, old schooner. The _Emperor_ is giving this banquet.
Remember the Espionage Act.

                                 SIMON

My business is _with_ the Emperor.

                                POLORUS

[_Amazed and amused_] Surely you are not going to the banquet yourself?

   [PISO _haw-haws_]

                                 SIMON

[_Solemnly_] I have come to--to--to--[_He hesitates_] I have come to--

                                 PISO

You have come to look them over?

                                POLORUS

You want to see whether the girls really _do_ take off their--

                                 SIMON

[_Cutting in_] Girls? Bah! I abhor the scarlet woman. My prayers are
for one pure woman, for--

                                 PISO

The wife Lucia!

                                POLORUS

[_Nodding his head_] He's mashed on her.

                                 SIMON

[_Indignantly_] I am old enough to be her father.

                                 PISO

Yes, so is the Emperor.

                                 SIMON

Let him have a care! Let him remember the wrath to come.

                                POLORUS

What! At a banquet?

                                 SIMON

Even at a banquet. Even amid the flesh-pots. Even among the scarlet
women. Let him remember his lawful wife. I hear talk that is terrible.

                                 PISO

What do you hear?

                                 SIMON

That he plans to cast her off. More, that he plans to--murder her.

                                POLORUS

[_Glancing about him_] Oh, I say!

                                 SIMON

Even as he has murdered other poor women--trusting hearts--discarded
wives. [_Suddenly infuriated_] But not the wife Lucia! The moment his
slaves touch the anointed of the Lord--[_He draws a dagger_]--that
moment I plunge this knife into his heathen heart!

                                 PISO

[_Nervously_] My dear sir, calm yourself. This is awful talk. I
positively refuse to listen to any such anarchism.

                                 SIMON

I shall wait here. I am ready. I shall serve the Lord.

                                POLORUS

Suppose you let me have that knife. I am more used to such things. You
are a clergyman. It may cut you.

[_As he steps forward, there are noises outside, to the left. The band
behind the curtain strikes up more loudly, and presently voices call_
"The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

                                 SIMON

[_Flourishing the dagger_] Nay! I shall wait here! I am ready.

   [_More cries. The music grows louder._ PISO _and_ POLORUS _grow
   increasingly alarmed. Cries of_ "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

                                 PISO

[_In a panic_] What are we to do?

                                POLORUS

If we had time we could anæsthetize him.

                                 PISO

Yes, if we had time we could hypnotize him. _But now?_

                                 SIMON

Pray to the Lord!

                                POLORUS

Yes, yes, but not now. Not here. I never miss the Day of Atonement. I
promised my old mother. [_In full demoralization, to_ PISO]
_You_ tackle him.

                                 PISO

[_Panic-stricken, to_ SIMON] Why not go out and take a little walk and
come back later?

                                 SIMON

I stay here. I am set here to watch. An angel charged me to--

   [_Shouts of_ "The Emperor!" _very near. The music grows louder
   still. Cheers behind the hangings_]

                                POLORUS

[_Pushing him back frantically_] But you're blocking up the
passage-way. It is forbidden. Surely you don't want to _offend_ the
Emperor.

                                 SIMON

[_Idiotically_] Not unnecessarily.

                                 PISO

Well, then--

                                POLORUS

[_Inspired_] Ah, here!

[_He shoves_ SIMON _behind the hangings at the extreme right,
where they overlap the back wall_]

                                 PISO

[_Greatly relieved_] Whew!

                                POLORUS

[_Coming back_] Just in time! [_Suddenly alarmed again_] But suppose he
jumps out and--

   [_He drops his voice_]

                                 PISO

[_Resolutely_] Who?

                                POLORUS

[_In surprise_] Who? This blamed--

                                 PISO

_I_ didn't see anybody. Did _you_?

                                POLORUS

[_With a relieved wink_] No. I saw no one.

                                 PISO

He must have sneaked in during the day.

                                POLORUS

Maybe the wife Lucia let him in.

   [_Cries of_ "The Emperor!" _just outside. With it an unexpected
   babble of women's voices._ PISO _and_ POLORUS, _at this new sound,
   look at each other in sudden astonishment as_ RUFINIUS _enters_]

                               RUFINIUS

His Imperial Majesty!

   [RUFINIUS _is followed by two centurions_. PISO _drops to one knee
   and_ POLORUS _follows suit_. HELIOGABALUS _stalks in with_ PAULA
   _hanging to one arm and_ CÆLESTIS _to the other. Behind the three,
   crowded closely, are_ ANNIA FAUSTINA, AQUILIA SEVERA, _and three or
   four other wives. Last of all comes_ DACIA. HELIOGABALUS _wears a
   magnificent toga of imperial purple, with gold borders very heavily
   embroidered, and a wreath of laurel. He moves to the centre of
   the stage without a word, and as if scarcely conscious of_ PAULA
   _and_ CÆLESTIS. _A murmur of confused speech among the other wives.
   Obviously, there has been an encounter outside._ PISO _and_ POLORUS
   _get to their feet, and move off discreetly toward the right,
   pushing their wheeled table ahead of them. Presently they go out._
   RUFINIUS _takes station at the side of the archway leading into the
   banquet hall, directly before the place where_ SIMON _is concealed.
   The centurions go to the extreme right, and stand impassive.
   Throughout this scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Suddenly shaking off_ PAULA _and_ CÆLESTIS, _and swinging 'round to
face the other wives, his arms folded_] The answer is Yes and No!

                                 PAULA

[_Melodramatically_] What!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes to question number one; no to question number two.

                            THE OTHER WIVES

[_Together_] Which is which?... Do we come back?... What can he
mean?... Which question is number one?... He's going to put her out!

                                 PAULA

[_Authoritatively_] Silence! Let me do the talking. [_To_
HELIOGABALUS, _bravely but a bit uneasily_] What do you mean
... darling?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Simply this, molasses jar. You all come back--but not together.

                            THE OTHER WIVES

[_In a babble, as before. They don't quite know whether to hail the
news, or to protest_] Oh, we come back!... But what does _that_
mean?... I don't understand it at all.... Do you mean--?

                                 PAULA

[_Sharply_] Silence!

   [_The babble is cut short instantly. A momentary silence._
   HELIOGABALUS _stands with his arms folded. The wives look uneasy and
   a bit foolish_]

                                 PAULA

[_To_ HELIOGABALUS, _quaveringly_] You are not going to--?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Carpenters are at work building a plain double-bed. I have ordered that
farm taken out and burned. The double-bed will suffice until--

                                 PAULA

But I thought we were to come back.

                             HELIOGABALUS

You do--but you come back one by one.

                               CÆLESTIS

But where will the rest of us sleep?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Where you _have_ been sleeping--during the late revolution. Sleep
wherever you please. If the palace isn't big enough, I'll have barracks
built.

                                 PAULA

[_Maudlinly_] Oh, my poor head! I can't understand a thing he says!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Let me explain. The old system had its advantages. I was used to it and
strongly approved it. But the older I get, the more I learn. At ninety
or a hundred I should be genuinely wise. _One_ thing I have learned is
that the Christian system, too, has--

                                 PAULA

[_Hysterically_] He's deserting us for that street woman!

   [_The other wives set up a shrill protest of_ "Ohs"]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Talking them down_] The Christian system, too, has its advantages. It
is lonesome, but peaceful. I sleep better. The ventilation is better.
More air. Fewer breathing.

                                 PAULA

I protest against it as immoral! We are your lawful--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sardonically_] Immoral? Hah, because it's pleasant! You, too, have
become infected by this Christianity.

                                 PAULA

Oh, what an insult!

                             HELIOGABALUS

But to resume. You take your turns one by one, quietly and in order.
First, let us say--well, first one of you. To be selected by me. I have
a system worked out. Each stays on until--until I feel like a change.
Then the next. And so on.

                                 PAULA

I see it all. It's a scheme to get that Christian hussy in--and then
keep us out!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Darkly, rolling his eye over the group of wives_] The Christian girl
will not be the first. She must take her turn.

                               CÆLESTIS

See! She remains. What did I tell you?

   [_The other wives babble_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be
just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the _incarnation_ of justice.

                                 PAULA

I am against justice for Christians!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Humorously_] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn't
apply to.

                               CÆLESTIS

You might take her in, and then keep her a year.

                             HELIOGABALUS

It's theoretically possible, but very improbable. No, my inclination
to the Christian system has its limits. The girl must take her turn. I
must suffer, say once a year. Where is she, by the way?

                                 PAULA

Praying somewhere, I suppose.

                               CÆLESTIS

[_Maliciously_] Maybe she has run off with that old bed-tick of an
evangelist.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I shall ask her to pray for _you_, Cælestis.

                               CÆLESTIS

[_Horrified_] Oh, oh! She'll put a spell on me!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Never fear. [_Wearily_] I have tried it. Her spells are nothing. She
couldn't even cure my stomach-ache.... And now, off with you. I have
important business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.

                                 PAULA

[_Defiantly_] It is your duty to turn her out.

                               CÆLESTIS

It is your duty to--

                             ANOTHER WIFE

It is your duty--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Irritably_] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to--

                                 PAULA

Do your duty and you'll be happy.

                             HELIOGABALUS

A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to _stand_ a thing,
but it never makes him _enjoy_ it. Now good-night.

   [_He shoos them toward the door, left_]

                                 PAULA

I object! I protest!

   [_The other wives begin to babble, joining her protest_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Enough! I order you--as Emperor! [_They grow silent and slink away_]
Disobey, and--[_They start out_, HELIOGABALUS _following them,
toward the door_] The name of the evening's nominee will reach you in
due course.

                                 PAULA

[_At the door_] I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Peremptorily_] Guards!

   [PAULA _runs out, and the others crowd after her. In
   the scuffle, one of the wives is pushed to one side, and finds
   herself inside after the door bangs. It is_ DACIA.
   HELIOGABALUS, _turning back toward the entrance to the
   banquet-room, notices her. She hasn't said a word during the
   preceding scene, but has noticeably hung back. Now, facing the
   Emperor, she is suddenly confused, and turns toward the door in
   alarm. But he halts her_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

What! Little Dacia! [_She nods shyly_] I didn't notice you. I didn't
hear a word from you.

                                 DACIA

[_Ingenuously_] I didn't say anything.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Not a word about duty?

                                 DACIA

No.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Elaborately kissing her hand_] Thank you.

                                 DACIA

I hope you are feeling much better.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thank you again. If I saw more of you, Dacia, I'd soon be well. [_A
pause_] I heard you singing last night. It was very sweet of you.

                                 DACIA

[_Simply_] I thought you might like me to do it.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Now thoroughly interested_] Like it? I loved it! You gave me pleasant
dreams. I dreamed that things were as--as they used to be, and that--

                                 DACIA

[_Snuggling into his arms_] Have you missed me?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Enormously! At first I wondered just what it was I missed so much, but
then I knew. It was my little wifey. [_He kisses her gently_] Now she's
never going to leave me again.

                                 DACIA

[_With all the art of the cutie, but apparently simply_] If you want me.

                             HELIOGABALUS

I want you every minute. [_With elaborate tenderness_] I was so
worried about you. How did your cold get? Better? You are sure you
take care of yourself? I wish you would stop wearing those very thin
stockings. [_Feeling of her frock_] And this dress! It's like a
night-gown.

                                 DACIA

[_Coyly, burying her face on his shoulder_] I have a new night-gown.

                             HELIOGABALUS

When am I to see it?

                                 DACIA

You never notice such things.

                             HELIOGABALUS

What nonsense. Didn't I notice the pink one--the one you worked
yourself--all those forget-me-nots?

                                 DACIA

That was the first you ever saw.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Sentimentally_] I'll never forget it. Ah, those days! Those happy,
happy days!

   [_During all this scene_ SIMON _has occasionally peeped out from
   behind the hangings, his eyes popping as_ HELIOGABALUS _grows more
   and more ardent_. RUFINIUS _has discreetly turned his back and the
   centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward the
   centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from
   the banquet hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a
   definite voice may be heard--probably old_ CAIUS'S]

                                 DACIA

You _do_ love me, don't you?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Don't you know it?

                                 DACIA

I think so. But how much?

                             HELIOGABALUS

That much. [_An enormous kiss. Then_--HELIOGABALUS _straightens up,
glances at the banquet-room entrance, and gives a weary sigh_] Well, I
suppose I must go in. It's really important--a very serious affair--the
first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable
error. I hate bloodshed, but I really think I'd be justified in--

   [SIMON _peeps from behind the hangings, his eyes popping_]

                                 DACIA

But I'll see you soon?

                             HELIOGABALUS

I should surely hope so. I nominate you number one. And I'll make Paula
number two, so there'll be no temptation to--

                                 DACIA

[_Very demurely_] You won't be long?

                             HELIOGABALUS

How could I be long? [_Kissing her briefly again_] And don't forget!
[_He whispers to her, and, as if blushing, she hides her face on his
shoulder_] You understand?

                                 DACIA

[_Whispers_] I'll be there.

                             HELIOGABALUS

And now--[_Another kiss_] Wear that pink one. You know. Now I must--[_A
sudden idea_] But why not simply stay? How idiotic of me not to have
thought of it! You can sit right beside me as you used to do. I'll get
away all the sooner.

                                 DACIA

But it's a men's party!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Pish! You'd be welcome at _any_ men's party. Just watch how the
judiciary gape at you!

                                 DACIA

But my frock! This old thing!

                             HELIOGABALUS

It's perfect! Those old rats never look at the clothes; they look at
the girl. [_He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on_
DACIA'S _head_] There! The last touch!

   [DACIA _is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at
   herself in a pocket-mirror, but_ HELIOGABALUS _takes her arm and
   they turn toward the entrance to the banquet hall_. RUFINIUS _claps
   his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and
   draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed.
   The banquet hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor
   three steps higher than that of the corridor. A superb flash of
   colour. There is a huge horse-shoe of a table, very low, and it is
   surrounded by the low couches on which the Romans reclined at meals.
   Around the horse-shoe are grouped the guests--senators, generals,
   ambassadors, judges and other magnificoes--chiefly elderly and
   grizzled men._ CAIUS _is to the left, and is quickly seen to be
   far gone in liquor_. HELIOGABALUS' _place is in front and to the
   right, so that when he rises to speak his profile is toward the
   audience in the theatre. In the centre of the horse-shoe is a small
   dancing floor, and exactly in the middle of it a tall fountain, with
   coloured lights playing upon it. The walls of the hall are richly
   decorated, and various barbaric banners show brilliant patches of
   colour. All the guests are in white togas, but on the shoulder of
   every one there is some coloured badge of rank. The musicians are
   far to the rear and their music is heard constantly, save when_
   HELIOGABALUS _speaks. They play strange, levantine tunes, sometimes
   in the old Greek modes. Translated into modern tones, their music
   sounds as if made by two violins, a 'cello, a zither, an oboe and a
   snare-drum._

   _As the hangings go back, and_ HELIOGABALUS, _with_ DACIA _on his
   arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence.
   Then_ CAIUS _springs to his feet and shouts_ "Vivat Imperator!"
   _and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as
   he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place--it is evident
   that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the
   chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. This cuts off
   the dance that has been in progress. The dancer, half-naked, pauses
   irresolutely for a second, and then, full of stage-fright, leaps off
   the dancing floor, plunges through the standing guests to the left,
   and disappears. The guests all crane their necks to see_ DACIA]

                                 CAIUS

[_Turning tipsily as the dancer makes off_] Hey, there!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Taking his place, with_ DACIA _beside him_] Let us sit.

   [_The guests settle down, some gracefully enough, but others
   with much difficulty. They all continue to steal stares at_
   DACIA]

                                 CAIUS

[_Rising unsteadily_] Majesty, the dancer took to the woods. I feel I
ought to apologize.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Genially_] Maybe something struck her suddenly--conscience, or
gallstones, or something.

                                 CAIUS

Oh, no. I've known that little one for years--sound as a gladiator.
Maybe--[_He winks_] I'd better go and--and--

    [_He rises wobblingly_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Cutting in_] And fetch her?

                                 CAIUS

That's it--and fetch her.

   [_He winks elaborately again and wobbles off, stumbling once or
   twice over his toga_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Rising in his best imperial manner. As he gets to his legs the
musicians repeat the massive chord of C major_] Gentlemen, my apologies
for my tardiness. The fact is, I didn't know until the last minute if
my health would permit me to join you. I was brought here on a litter,
attended by two physicians. They are out in the ante-chamber at this
moment, mixing pills. [_With the sudden malignancy of the dyspeptic_] I
shall take, say, 5,000 more pills. Then we'll see how far a doctor's
neck can stretch--a curious scientific experiment--vivisection, so
to speak. [_Recovering his former manner_] But this is no talk for a
banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would fall into faints, with
screams of horror. [_One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes
as if to speak_] Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water.
I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it has only made
my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water
of late to float Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What
have we here? [_He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it_] Aha! Good red
Terentum! Gentlemen, I pledge you!

   [_The whole assemblage rises, goblets in hand. Slaves elbow in with
   fresh jars of wine, placing them upon the table_]

                            VARIOUS GUESTS

Vivat Imperator! Vivat Elegabalus!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Gentlemen, let us all drink to Rome, the one perfect and immortal
Empire--the model and despair of other states--the mother of
justice--the guardian of civilization! Rome cannot die! Rome forever!

                                GUESTS

Rome forever!

   [_They drink stupendous drafts, some of them coming up quite out of
   breath._]

   [HELIOGABALUS _sits down, and offers a sip from his goblet to_
   DACIA. _As the others tumble into their places, there is a turmoil
   to the left, and_ CAIUS' _voice is heard_]

                                 CAIUS

[_In a hoarse voice, without_] Oh, come on, dearie! Don't be afraid!

   [_The guests snicker_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Rising so that he can see_] Bring her in, Caius.

   [CAIUS _comes in with an almost naked dancing-girl. She is
   coal-black and very much abashed. The guests whoop and roar as they
   see her_]

                                 CAIUS

This is a different one, Majesty. I couldn't find the other one. I
hunted high and low. [_Again he winks elaborately_] This one is an
Egyptian--her name is Irene. I take a fatherly interest in this one.

                                A GUEST

Dear old papa!

                             ANOTHER GUEST

[_Mimicking a baby_] Da-da! Da-da!

                             HELIOGABALUS

She seems bashful.

                                 CAIUS

Just a little. Ain't used to dancing before ladies. [_An elaborate and
idiotic bow to_ DACIA] She has her instructions: no rough
stuff. Perhaps her Majesty--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Let her display her art. This is a different "Her Majesty."

                                 CAIUS

[_Very drunk_] Profound apologies. My error. No offence, Majesty, I
assure you. My eyes--astigmatism--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Now then!

   [_The music starts with a crash, and the dancer leaps into a wild
   dance. At first the guests regard her stolidly, but in a few seconds
   some of them begin to rise to see her better_]

                                 CAIUS

[_Rising_] This is nothing, Majesty. This is just the start.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Very interesting. Has the dance any significance? Is it symbolical?

                                 CAIUS

I should say it is. If you understand it, it brings tears to your
eyes. Very affecting, indeed. I'll explain it. You observe that sort
of flop-flop of the arms? Well, that signifies--[_The music drowns him
out. To the musicians, over his shoulder_] Not so loud, professor.
Where do you think you are?

   [_The music grows soft. The dancing girl now launches into a
   series of amazing wriggles, occasionally leaping into the air._
   CAIUS, _very solemnly and unsteadily, explains as she goes on_.
   HELIOGABALUS, _while this is in progress, sips his wine, and
   gradually grows very mellow in humour. Now and then he laughs and
   claps his hands_]

                                 CAIUS

Her dark complexion, gentlemen, signifies death. Wash them, and they
are almost white. People think Egyptians are niggers--all a mistake.
I knew a girl in Memphis--her name was Saidee--almost as white as
anybody. [_The girl begins to shed veils_] There it is, plain enough.
The man is dying. Casting off this mortal coil. Dying by inches.
First his feet, then his arms, then his stomach, then his lungs,
then his--and so on. [_The girl squats, and wriggles about_] Death
struggles. Poor fellow doesn't want to go. Thinks he is too young.
[_She leaps into the air_] Last gasp. You can almost hear it. [_She
begins to whirl_] Getting dizzy. Scared. Sends for the priest. [_The
music slackens a bit_] Prayers. [_Louder and faster again_] Too late.
It's all up. [_A wild leaping about_] Throw out the reverend and send
for the embalmers. [_She leaps into the fountain_] The soul takes
flight. [_She is now almost naked. The water plays upon her_] Nothing
left but the body. Hardly a stitch on. Have to strip 'em, of course,
to pickle 'em. Very interesting process. They keep for ever. [_The girl
now launches into her final cavortings_] This shows the soul in the
Egyptian heaven. Very subtle symbolism. Every wriggle means something.
I remember--

   [_During this last speech_, LUCIA _has quietly slipped into the
   fore-scene, from the door to the right_. RUFINIUS, _of course,
   observes her at once, and is visibly startled and alarmed. But
   those in the banquet hall, at first, do not see her._ HELIOGABALUS
   _and_ DACIA _are watching the dancer, and chuckling over_ CAIUS'
   _exposition. The guests, with veil after veil coming off, see
   nothing else. It is_ CAIUS _whose eyes first take her in. He halts,
   glances swiftly at_ HELIOGABALUS, _and then at_ LUCIA _again. But
   before his eyes are followed by_ HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA _has spoken_]

                                 LUCIA

[_In round, resonant tones_] For shame!

   [HELIOGABALUS _has been lolling with his arm around_ DACIA. _The
   words electrify him. He leaps to his feet, and stands there for a
   second as if thunderstruck and speechless_]

                                 LUCIA

[_Her arms folded, standing firmly, as if defying the universe to move
her_] For shame!

   [_The music stops and the dancer collapses._ CAIUS _grasps the table
   unsteadily. A dozen other guests leap to their feet. There is a
   dead silence_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Taking a step forward_] Hell!

                                 LUCIA

You may well say hell. There is nothing in hell itself--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Conciliatingly, coming down the steps_] Now, now, my dear. Really,
you must--

                                 LUCIA

Don't touch me, Beelzebub!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Oh, I say, darling! [_He is patently nonplussed. He turns 'round to
his guests_] Gentlemen--[_A deprecating, apologetic gesture_] You will
pardon me. My stomach, unluckily--

   [_He comes down to the corridor floor, and the two centurions
   swiftly and discreetly draw the hangings. In doing so they
   accidentally uncover a corner of_ SIMON, _but it is only for an
   instant, and they don't notice it. Neither does_ RUFINIUS, _who has
   retired to the right_. DACIA _has come out with_ HELIOGABALUS, _but
   she slips quietly to the left and stands against the wall, silent
   during the ensuing scene_]

                                 LUCIA

[_Oratorically_] For less than this the flames consumed Sodom and
Gomorrah! That woman was naked!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Weakly_] But she was a _coloured_ woman, my dear. Didn't you notice?

                                 LUCIA

This infamy must end! A scarlet woman naked before you--and a scarlet
woman in your arms!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_A sudden change of manner_] A what in my arms?

                                 LUCIA

A scarlet woman!

   [_It takes a moment for the charge to soak in, but when it does_
   HELIOGABALUS _is completely changed. No more conciliation. He is
   furiously angry and shows it_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

A scarlet woman? That "scarlet woman" is my wife!

                                 LUCIA

[_Still resolutely, but somewhat alarmed by his rage_] _I_ am your
wife. Your _one_ wife.

                             HELIOGABALUS

_Are_ you? Well, that is something to be remedied. That is a curable
disease. A "scarlet woman"! Think of it!

                                 LUCIA

[_Now beginning to realize that she has gone too far_] You would put me
away?

                             HELIOGABALUS

Either you put that crazy Christian balderdash away, or I put _you_
away. Once and for all time, I have got enough of it. I am Emperor
here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying
shakes my nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have
chills at night.

                                 LUCIA

[_Rather weakly_] The Word--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing!
Damn going to bed at ten o'clock! Damn--

                                 LUCIA

[_Her hands over her ears_] Get thee behind me, Satan!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was
Emperor of Rome! [_Wildly, showing that there was wine in his goblet_]
For less than this, I have--

   [_His fists clenched, he pauses_]

                                 LUCIA

You can't harm me. The Lord is with me.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_This last defiance determines him_] Oh, _is_ he? Then we'll see what
he'll do for you when the alligators begin to sniff you. Guards!

   [_As the centurions spring forward_, LUCIA _screams_]

                                 LUCIA

[_In great terror_] Would you kill me?

   [_But before the centurions can reach her or_ HELIOGABALUS _can
   reply_, SIMON _leaps from behind the hangings, his dagger drawn_]

                                 SIMON

Stop, tyrant!

   [HELIOGABALUS _steps back, startled, and for an instant the
   centurions hesitate in alarm_]

                                 LUCIA

Help me, Simon!

                                 SIMON

Lay a hand on this maiden and I'll--

   [_He flourishes the dagger and makes at_ HELIOGABALUS, _but by this
   time the centurions have recovered their heads, and are immediately
   upon him_. RUFINIUS, _from the right, also leaps to the rescue, and
   in two seconds_ SIMON _is pinned from behind and his dagger is on
   the floor_. DACIA, _during all this, has screamed once or twice,
   but has not moved from her place. Sounds of music come from behind
   the hangings, and shouts of laughter--loud enough to show that the
   banqueters are very drunk, and do not hear the commotion in front_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ SIMON] So there you are!

                                 SIMON

[_Almost incoherently_] Murderer! You would send your lawful wife to
the lions! Pagan! Heathen! [_Rolling his eyes upward_] O Lord, watch
over Thy servant! O Lord, send Thy lightnings to blast this heretic!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Bosh! Save all that O Lord business until you need it more. It won't be
long. [_To_ RUFINIUS] Take this man to the circus, and have
him chained--arm, leg and neck. There will be orders about him tomorrow
morning. I'll want the iron stake and a couple of barrels of whale-oil.

   [LUCIA _screams and rushes toward_ HELIOGABALUS _supplicatingly,
   but_ SIMON _drops on his knees in ecstasy. It gradually appears that
   he welcomes death--that he craves martyrdom_]

                                 SIMON

[_His eyes rolling_] O Lord, I thank Thee! To die in Thy name! Lord, I
thank Thee for this boon!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Astonished_] What!

                                 LUCIA

I am to blame, not he. Let me--

                                 SIMON

[_Still happy_] O Lord, I thank Thee for this boon--this martyrdom! I
thank Thee!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Silence! What is the idiot doing?

                                 LUCIA

He is happy that he may die for the Faith.

                             HELIOGABALUS

The Faith? What has the Faith to do with it? He is to die for an
attempt at assault and battery.

                                 LUCIA

It is all one.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Do you mean to say that murder is a part of Christianity?

                                 LUCIA

No, but martyrdom is.

                                 SIMON

[_To the centurions and_ RUFINIUS] Brothers, let us pray. Let
me pray for you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Never in the world! I have heard enough praying to last me for ever.
[_To_ LUCIA, _still not quite able to comprehend it_] So he
actually _wants_ to be burned?

                                 LUCIA

[_Preachily_] He thirsts for paradise.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Humorously_] _Solomon's_, I guess! Well, I'm surely not going
to accommodate him. [_To_ SIMON] Get up. [_To_ RUFINIUS _and the
centurions_] Let him go. [_To_ SIMON] You are reprieved.

                                 SIMON

[_Blubbering_] Cæsar, I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

Silence! I say you are reprieved. You are not going to get to paradise
if _I_ can help it. [_To the centurions_] Take him out, give him a good
cowhiding, and run him out of town. [_To_ SIMON] If you ever
come back, off goes your Adam's apple. And I'll slice your nose flat
with your face. Bear that in mind.

                                 LUCIA

[_Heroically_] If he goes, then _I_ go too.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Overjoyed by the news, he is momentarily speechless; then_--] Oh,
surely not! You don't mean to say that you--

                                 LUCIA

Then _I_ go too!

                             HELIOGABALUS

But that's really too much! [_Bracing up perceptibly_] It's really
more than I deserve, fair gooseberry!

                                 LUCIA

[_Rising to eloquence_] I turn my back on Nineveh. Out there in the
West--[_her arms flung wide toward the audience_]--_there_ is my work.
There I shall preach the Word. Far from these Roman cities and the sins
of men. There lies the future harvest of the Lord.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Appraising the audience. Somewhat doubtfully_] Um--well--I wish you
luck. [_Eagerly_] But could you get ready in time? You see, Simon is
leaving at once.

                                 LUCIA

I go with him.

                             HELIOGABALUS

But your clothes? It will take you some time to pack.

                                 LUCIA

The Lord's work is not done in fine raiment. As I am, so shall I preach
the Word.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Very eager to get her off_] Nobly spoken. If you need any money--

                                 LUCIA

I want no money. I shall pray for you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_In alarm_] But surely not here. This is no place for prayer.
[_Indicating the banquet-room_] It's really rather too--er--riotous,
isn't it? Pray for me after you get started. Pray for me out
there--[_pointing in the direction of the audience_]--in the West.

                                 LUCIA

I shall pray for you every day and every night.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Yes, yes--every night--out there--[_again pointing_]--in the West. And
now I must get back to my guests. The centurions will see you off. I
surely wish you every sort of luck. Let me hear from you now and then.
Let me hear how your enterprise comes on. I'll send word that you are
to be protected. A happy journey.

                                 LUCIA

Fare you well! May the Lord keep you!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thanks. Are you sure you don't need more clothes?

                                 LUCIA

I need no worldly goods. My Faith, the Lord, are enough!

                             HELIOGABALUS

So you said. Well, then, good-bye and good luck! If you ever get into
difficulties, don't hesitate to write to me. Simply "The Emperor,
Rome," will reach me.

                                 LUCIA

[_Going_] The Lord be with you.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

                                 LUCIA

The Lord forgive you!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

                                 LUCIA

The Lord bless you!

                             HELIOGABALUS

Thank you!

   [_She goes out slowly, and_ RUFINIUS _and the centurions follow
   with_ SIMON]

                                 SIMON

[_At the door_] I suffer for the Faith. I--

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_To_ RUFINIUS] Omit the cowhiding.

   [_As they go out_, HELIOGABALUS _turns back alone_. DACIA _has
   been concealed by the opened door at the left_. HELIOGABALUS,
   _observing_ SIMON'S _dagger on the floor, picks it up and looks at
   it reflectively. He runs his hands along the blade. He applies the
   point to his breast. He tries the effect of the cold steel on his
   throat. Loud music from within, and a great crash. Laughter and
   applause_]

                                 DACIA

[_Stepping forward, somewhat alarmed by his toying with the knife_] Be
careful!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_He gives a start and turns quickly_] There you are! And I was
wondering what had become of you!

                                 DACIA

I was here all the while.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Here?

                                 DACIA

Over in the corner. [_Snuggling close to him_] I was awfully scared.

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Now grandly brave_] Don't let it worry you, tender baby. It's the
trade risk. If this stomach-ache of mine fetches me, or those quacks
poison me with their pills, I'll be the first Roman Emperor to die in
bed for two hundred years. [_Amorously_] But we don't want to think of
such things, do we? It was worth risking my life to get rid of that
theologian.

                                 DACIA

[_Coyly_] I thought you--liked her.

                             HELIOGABALUS

Bah! I work so hard that sometimes my mind wanders. Then there is my
stomach-ache. I thought she could cure it with that Christian magic of
hers--that praying, and O Lording, and so on. But it didn't work.

                                 DACIA

Poor dear! And now you have to go back to the awful banquet. [_Yells
from within_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Tenderly_] Do you want me to go back?

                                 DACIA

I? What have I to do with it?

                             HELIOGABALUS

You have everything to do with it. Do you want me to?

                                 DACIA

[_Half a whisper_] No.

   [_There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence provides a dreamy
   tune from the band behind the hangings_]

                             HELIOGABALUS

Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?

                                 DACIA

[_Like a naughty child_] To hell with the banquet!

                             HELIOGABALUS

[_Half to himself_] Imagine that Christian--[_taking her arm_] Come on!
[_They sneak half-way across the stage. His eyes feast upon her. He
halts a moment_] What wonderful hair!

   [_They tiptoe off like truants as_


                           THE CURTAIN FALLS


                                THE END


Transcriber's Note: Italics are shown as _italics_.