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                               _Good Form
                                  and
                          Christian Etiquette_




                          MRS. S. M. I. HENRY

    [Illustration: Decoration]

                       REVIEW AND HERALD PUB. CO.
                          Battle Creek, Mich.
               Chicago, Ill., Toronto, Ont., Atlanta, Ga.


                          Copyright, 1900, by
                          MRS. S. M. I. HENRY.




                               _Preface._


Let no one who shall do me the honor to read this little book suppose
that I have been “laying down a lot of rules.” The most that I have
attempted is to point out some of those regulations which the
experiences of thoughtful men and women of the world have found
necessary to good social order, as well as some of those things that a
long experience in work for the unfortunate has discovered as requisite
to the prevention of scandals and consequent ostracism.

To have seen conscientious young men and women struggling against the
awful current of popular reproach because of certain things in conduct
which, while innocent to them, have inevitably aroused suspicion in a
suspicious world, is to at least wish to help those who have asked help,
or who are willing to receive it, to the end that they may acquire that
sort of knowledge which shall enable them to avoid such peril and
contempt.

The questions which appear in these pages are bona fide questions,
written and sent to me by those who asked them for themselves or others.
The positions taken are all based on what I believe to be principles
which must lie at the foundation of any social life that would keep
itself unspotted from the world, and which can be used as a testimony to
the gospel in the sight of a wicked and untoward generation.

I have not written for the world. Many writers have done that. Nor have
I written for the nominal Christian; but for those who are earnestly
looking for the best means of serving God and humanity, while they are
also looking for that blessed hope,—the glorious appearing of our Lord.

                                                         S. M. I. Henry.




                              _Good Form._




                                   I.


“Good form” is especially a society phrase, but it is full of meaning,
such as has a direct bearing on even the life and walk of a missionary.
It is of sufficient importance to engage the attention of any who would
become cultured, and is practical and simple enough to become a subject
of study in the most common, isolated home, in which children are
growing up.

It is in good and bad form that is found a large share of all that
difference which distinguishes the lady or gentleman from the slattern
and the boor; and in the consideration given to this question of
_manners_ it is once again true that “the children of this world are
wiser than the children of light.” Luke 16:8.

One of the first efforts that men or women will make if they have an “ax
to grind,” or “something to borrow,” will be to appear well. If they
have anything “to push,” an advantage to secure, which makes it
necessary that some influential people shall be “won over” to some
certain way of thinking, they will study every movement, turn, and word;
learn tact, self-control, or anything else by which they can hope to
succeed.

Many a man has practised facial expression for hours before a mirror,
not for amusement, but for _business_; to the end that he might tone
down or eradicate certain lines which would make an unfavorable
impression upon those whom he met, and has carefully cultivated in their
place those that would be sure to give him a better introduction among
those whom he intended to use to his own profit or pleasure. This is
constantly done in the interests of self, and has often resulted in
forwarding those mercenary and sometimes criminal ends for which it was
designed.

For the same purpose men learn grace of carriage,—how to enter and leave
a room, how to moderate every tone; and practise laboriously in private,
to fix as habit anything which they believe to be desirable, and
eradicate anything that would be a hindrance, so that they may never be
taken off guard by any rush of feeling, and so jeopardize the selfish
interests which are at stake.

For the same end little children are put into training of the most
exacting sort, and grow up almost perfect copies of some great master in
certain forms which, while in themselves empty, yet are like buckets,
capable of holding anything. And until Christians are willing to labor
as faithfully to become winsome themselves, and train their children to
do the best of all work in the best of all forms, they have not yet come
to love the truth as the world loves self.

The truth is to be carried to all people, high and low. A boor, who
loves the truth, and who is filled with the Holy Spirit, may do a good
work in some lines. If he has had no opportunities to know how to carry
himself among men, except such knowledge as comes by being a Christian,
God will keep him where he can be used, and will use him to his glory,
and give him sheaves to bring home at last.

“Be a Christian” is an easy answer to the question, “How shall I conduct
myself in such and such a case?” But a man may be a Christian, and yet,
for the lack of some specific instruction in certain forms of procedure,
perpetrate a blunder which will bring the laugh from the profane whom he
wished to arouse to sober thought; or make a mistake, such as will carry
and widely scatter a serious misunderstanding by which Christ will be
reproached and his work hindered.

I am confident that in every home among all good Christian people there
is a genuine desire to attain to the best training in everything that
will make this best of all work go swiftly to the ends of the earth; but
I am also sure that many have failed to appreciate that “_the_ cause”
has a right to be carried by the most perfect methods to which it is
possible to attain. The truth is worthy of the best of all “good form”
in home, church, and social life. Good form does not consist so much in
putting on, as in putting off—_keeping_ off—those things in deportment,
speech, and association which are especially ungraceful, unwinsome,
incorrect, and improper.

Social good form, although it seems to be of the world, worldly,
represents just what Christ would do if he were living among men and
women in ordinary social relations. The world has taken the best that
worldly wisdom can comprehend of the Christ-life, and carefully embodied
it in a certain code to which it professes to hold itself; to which it
does hold itself in public, whatever it may do behind the scenes.

It is manifestly true that the man who has the mind of Christ ought to
grow, apple-tree fashion, as much of courtesy, gentleness, and all that
goes to make an agreeable appearance, as the world can possibly buy in
the market of good manners, tie on and wear, Christmas-tree fashion.

It is by his first appearance that the colporteur will open or close a
door to the truth which he carries in a book, or in samples of health
food. His manner in the homes where he is entertained, in public, on the
train, the street, at camp-meeting, or on the platform, will close or
open the hearts of even the hungry to the spiritual food which the
minister is sent forth to serve in the Master’s name. The _manner_ of
those who occupy the field will play no insignificant part in the work
of building up the school, the college, the mission, and in reaching the
uttermost parts with the gospel; and since the children now under
training in the homes of Christian workers must have a share in the work
of God in this time when it means more than it ever did for the servants
of God to carry weights and hindrances, it seems a good thing to take up
the consideration of what constitutes “Good Form,” or practical
Christian conduct.

I have had my attention called to this subject by questions from young
people, as well as parents; and this message concerning how to meet
people and handle the things of this mundane sphere is to both parent
and child, boys, girls, and young people, who are preparing for earnest
work in the world.




                                  II.


Social life is important to the young; it can not be safely ignored in
school life, therefore I must have these interests in mind as I write,
and shall hope to help both the anxious parent and the thoughtful young
student who would know how to do the right thing at all times.

It is, however, a great deal more important to _be_ than to _do_; for it
is out of the _being_ that the _doing_ must come. The point requiring
the most anxious consideration is that we may learn to truly know and
love the principle upon which safe conduct depends.

He who loves purity for its own sake—who hates impurity because of its
vileness, instead of for the painful consequences which follow its
practise, will never go very far astray from those manners which are of
good report in any society on earth. He will instinctively avoid the
appearance of evil as far as he knows how evil appears.

There are a few principles which are always a safeguard and defense to
those who will be controlled by them, which if woven into familiar
thought will render correctness in the details of conduct spontaneous
and inevitable. And yet circumstances may modify this fact. It is
sometimes slow work to get hold of a principle; and some specific
teaching as to just what to do, and what not to do, will often be a
great help to even those who are pure of heart, and have a mind to avoid
the appearance of evil.

Every detail of life must take note of the fact that the human unit
called man was created male and female, and must begin his earthly
career as boy and girl, each at best but a half of this unit. This, with
many correlated facts, must be kept before us in the process of
training. Up to a certain period boys and girls can play together and
associate with perfect unconsciousness of any difference between them,
but the careful parent and teacher must be alert with reference to the
time when nature awakens, after which their association can only be
safely on two lines,—Christian work and general good fellowship; and
these always under the chaperonage of some reliable and mature woman.
This is especially necessary in all lines of work to which Christian
young people in these days of special activity among the youth would be
urged, such as missionary meetings, cottage meetings, Sabbath-school,
house-to-house visiting. Without such chaperonage, boys and girls, young
men and young women, should never go together, even in Christian work;
but girls by themselves, and boys by themselves.

This is made necessary by the fact that nature has been perverted, that
the enemy of all purity has taken possession of every avenue of thought,
even from the cradle, and has filled the mind of childhood with
unprofitable imaginings, for which the only cure is the knowledge of the
truth pure and simple, adapted to their comprehension, and such
opportunities for association as shall make them mutual helps without
stimulating that self-consciousness that leads to curiosity and evil
suggestion.

Any allusion which would give the children an idea of the anxious
thoughts which you entertain for them should be studiously avoided.
Teach and practise them in all which constitutes true decorum while they
are still too young to understand its significance and necessity, so
that when the time comes that the youth shall need “good form” habits
for the protection of a good name, he will have them already, as a part
of that second nature which good breeding produces. The first teaching
will naturally apply without any reference to sex differences, to that
conduct which should prevail between a company of girls and boys each in
companies by themselves.

First, as to manners in public. Boys and girls should grow up with the
idea that it is a great deal nicer for girls to keep each other company,
and for boys to do the same, than for boys and girls to go together.
Teach your boy to protect the girls of his acquaintance from any
annoyance which his presence anywhere could produce. Make him understand
that carefulness in this regard is the beginning of genuine manliness.
Teach both boys and girls to be reserved and modest in their deportment
toward all other boys and girls alike, boys toward boys, and girls
toward girls. That boisterous familiarity among boys together is so
unbecoming as always to breed contempt.

By this I would not have my readers infer that good form in behavior
must in the least interfere with the “good times” that children and
youth ought to enjoy. It does not prevent that happy freedom which can
alone make real “play” possible. Running, jumping, climbing trees,
shouting, hallooing, can all be done without any violation of a single
principle of good form as applied to childhood life. The trouble is that
many parents and teachers have the idea that any form of conduct to be
“good” must be grown-up and gray-headed, whereas one of the very worst
of bad forms is for a child to appear _old_. Good form, the genuine
sort, like every other good thing, will admit of any conduct which will
promote strength of body, soul, and spirit. Real strength, which must
always include the whole being, is perfectly safe, and a perpetual
source of joy in the Holy Guest. Many popular plays and games, however,
are so far removed from every principle which should control action and
association, that they can not be indulged without rudeness, brutality,
and in many cases that sort of familiarity which leads to immorality,
and should be thrown into the heap with all other bad manners.

It is bad form for two, three, or more persons to walk in an irregular
huddle on the street, as children sometimes do, going backward facing
the rear of the procession in order that conversation may be carried on.
Even young children should be taught that the running, leaping, jumping,
loud talking and laughter, which would be all right in the back yard, on
some playground, or in the open country, is never to be indulged on the
public street; that the moment the street is reached the deportment
should become quiet, and have thoughtful reference to the comfort of the
public.

They should understand the obvious reasons for this: A running child is
practically a blind and deaf one; he must have plenty of room, or he
will be almost sure to collide with something or somebody; in town will
be in danger of teams or cars. The rule for the street should be:
Steady, quiet, careful, eyes to the front, no loud talking or laughing,
no play, no swapping of knives, no reading, no chewing or eating, no
clearing the throat or spitting if it can possibly be avoided. If this
last is impossible, let it be done in the most unobtrusive manner,
behind a kerchief; in short, let nothing be done which would inevitably
draw the attention of passers-by, causing special notice and comment.

The craze for notoriety manifests itself in a thousand repulsive forms
of street behavior, through which the grossest temptations attack the
untaught and careless; and those parents who would protect their
children from many nameless dangers must teach them good form as applied
to street life.

Nowhere does good breeding reveal itself more quickly than in the quiet,
unobtrusive “I-am-minding-my-own-business” air of the girl or boy, who,
with an armful of books held closely, looking neither to the right nor
to the left, clips to and from school; or if walking and talking
together by twos, it is with steady carriage and voices so modulated
that no passer-by will overhear a word, nor think of being jostled.

Children should be taught by both word and example that when they are
about to meet any person on the street they should fall back into single
file at the right, while still far enough distant as to obviate all
danger of interference. Who has not found himself caught on the street
in a mob of schoolgirls or boys, often both together, who needlessly
monopolize the walk, as with loud talking, wrangling, jesting, jaws
working at both words and gum, they publish as upon the housetop the
utter lack of good form in the homes from which they have come? The
first blame for this disgusting spectacle always falls upon the
children; but in truth it all belongs to the homes out of which they
have tumbled pell-mell without that instruction and those fixed habits
which would have insured decorum and decency.

Every child should be taught to give courteous recognition to
acquaintances. The boys should lift the cap to each other as well as to
their elders, always to father and mother, if they chance to meet them
on the street; and the girls by some modest feminine salute of bow or
word. But some one may object that it seems “far-fetched” to train boys
to this formal mannerism. To which I reply in the old adage that the
“boy is father of the man.” The man in every relation in life will
follow the lead of boyish habits unless indeed in the interests of some
great conviction or self-interest he makes all things new. This can be
done, but even then the traces of early habits will often remain to
bring shame and confusion at some critical point when pleasure or profit
are at stake.




                                  III.


The social life of boys and girls should be recognized and provided for
as a department of the school in which they shall become educated in
those things which make for social righteousness and purity later on. As
boys treat each other, they will, as a rule, treat each other as men. As
boys and girls behave toward each other, so will they as a rule behave
as men and women. Courtesy is necessary to the highest degree of success
in any enterprise. The boy who is habitually courteous toward other boys
will be successful in winning his way as a man among men with any
important message with which he may be commissioned; and if he is so
instructed that he is gentle, considerate, and true to his mother,
sisters, and girl associates, he will be a safe friend as a man, a
representative of Christ to his own wife and children, and help to make
that home which must stand as a witness for God in the last days.

The children in whose interests I am writing must be in a peculiar sense
messengers of light to the world. They will be on the field of action in
the very last scenes of the earth’s history, when souls must be
_snatched_ by a power of which we have little comprehension—the power to
_win quickly_; the power to reveal the truth as in a flash of light, so
that it will be recognized at sight by the bewildered, desperate soul
that has awakened at the last moment to its peril and privilege, and
with scant space for repentance and cleansing, cries out for help; and
the Holy Spirit must find somewhere those whom he can train and use for
the service which in those days must be done to reach _every_ creature,
high as well as low, with the gospel.

The truth is worthy of the best possible investment. Its messengers
should be free from every offensive habit, custom, and manner—thoroughly
equipped in all that is most graceful, most scholarly, as genuine
Christian scholarship goes; most refined, most chaste, and agreeable in
both public and private intercourse. They should be the most suitably,
and that means the most simply and tastefully, dressed.

The theory of the world considers as “good form” that each individual
should dress according to the _class_ which he represents; and the
Christian who conscientiously and consistently dresses as his name
“Christian” would indicate that he should dress, will be respected by
even the frivolous “butterfly of fashion,” and will stand a good chance
of a hearing by that same “butterfly,” even in the most solemn message,
provided it is accompanied with the simple, easy courtesy of good
breeding, such as can not be suddenly assumed “for effect,” but which is
the result of life-long training. There are honest souls among so-called
“social butterflies,” and some workers must be trained to go out into
the _highways_ where they flit away their hopeless lives, as well as
into the byways and hedges, where social wrecks are huddled in darkness
and desolation.

The men and women who must do this work are now boys and girls in our
homes or schools, and very much which shall determine the scope of their
influence depends upon what the Spirit of God shall find available in
them for use. A truly well-trained, courteous man or woman can be used
_anywhere_, among _any_ people; while the uncouth and untrained must be
kept in a limited sphere. The truly cultured man or woman whose every
gift and grace has been sanctified and consecrated, will be more sure to
know what to do in the homes of the wretched and the haunts of vice for
the alleviation of distress and the saving of a soul than those who have
never thought it worth while to cultivate winsome qualities.

God has so arranged human life and relations that even the most
aristocratic and exclusive must take note of, and plan for doing, the
same every-day things that are alike common to all; and the only
question of deportment which can ever come between the uncouth and the
refined, concerns the methods of doing these same most common things.

The mother in the humblest home, with the most meager opportunities, if
she has a high enough appreciation of the mission to which her child is
called as a representative of the precious “faith of Jesus,” can, in
him, place at the disposal of the Holy Spirit such graces of gentleness,
such a beauty of holiness, such winsome kindliness, such tact and
address, as shall open the way for anything which he has to bring. But
to do this she must begin with the child in his relation to the other
children of his own age with whom he stands on an equal footing. To
treat with deference and politeness only those who because of age or
position are recognized as his superiors, would train the child to
sychophancy.

The man who can _lead_ other men, except by some appeal to selfish or
brutal passion, is very hard to find. A “_man’s way_” has passed into
proverb, and stands for heedlessness as regards his treatment of his
equals. His natural sense of pity will make him kind to the helpless,
provided he can afford it; he will be respectful to the respectable
because his own respectability requires it; and his general interest
will lead him to _court_ those who are in a position to bestow favors;
but to be all that a consecrated Christian companion might be to those
who are on the same plane with himself, or who are so outlawed by public
sentiment that no accuser but conscience would arise against him for any
wrong done to them, is the point of failure in the association of men
with men and women, and is the result of an almost universal idea that
“boys don’t need to be so very polite to each other,” nor “so very
particular” as to just how they talk when alone among themselves, and
that the silly girl or “fallen” among women is legitimate prey for any
man.

It is by “_behavior_” that men and women are protected from, or exposed
to, especial and peculiar temptations, as well as made more or less
effective in truth-teaching and soul-winning.

It may seem ridiculous to make the use of a handkerchief the subject of
grave consideration, but it is a terrible fact that this little scrap of
linen has become more dangerous than dynamite to the thoughtless girl in
her teens who, for lack of proper teaching, picks up the little tricks
of street flirtation, which have so defiled it that it has become almost
indecent to handle it outside the seclusion of one’s own room.

Let a bright-faced girl take her handkerchief in hand on the street of
even a small country village, and she will immediately become the center
of attraction to every lewd fellow who haunts public places, until he
has found out what she intends to do with it; and the code of signals
for which it is employed is of such a character that the most innocent
may be charged with a lewd invitation by what might seem to be its
necessary use.

The same is true concerning the sound made by clearing the throat and
nasal passages, and coughing. These are all used as signals of vice; and
many a giddy, but innocent girl has found herself in situations of great
humiliation and danger, simply because she had not been forearmed with a
little knowledge as to proper conduct in these matters.

Good form requires that the handkerchief be carried in the pocket out of
sight; _never_ brought out in public excepting in a case of necessity,
and then used as unobtrusively as possible. The importance of this
matter is sufficient to warrant repetition even to line upon line and
precept upon precept.

Those who will be able to do the best service in the closing work of the
world’s history, to win the richest trophies for our coming King, will
be those who, together with the “commandments of God and the faith of
Jesus,” and the fulness of the Holy Spirit, will know and observe in
deportment that which the world recognizes as good form.




                                  IV.


The whole social problem, as regards pure living, home-making, and
domestic comfort, depends on how young people, as such, shall deport
themselves toward each other.

Some good people have seemed to suppose that, provided the children were
converted, everything else would take care of itself, so that any
specific instruction in “_manners_” must be superfluous, if not foolish.
This is a fallacy of the same order as that which assumes that if a man
is called of God to preach the gospel he needs no education or
preparation, only to stand up, open his mouth, and give his vocal organs
a chance to play, leaving God to do the rest; when the fact is that God
will make good use of every faculty, and all the culture that is
provided for him, but of _no more_. The name Christian should stand for
the very best that is possible in education. Many a Christian man has
brought reproach on the name of Christ, not because his heart was bad,
but because his manners were. Many a woman of pure purpose, who would
not have committed a gross act for the world, has alienated her husband,
made her neighbors suspicious, and lost her good name, just because she
did not know what things were of good report, and therefore what must be
of evil report. And these disasters resulted from lack of proper
training in the early home on some points that seem too trivial to think
about twice, and which, doubtless, many will feel have no place in a
dignified discussion anywhere. And yet since these small things concern
so much of weal or woe, so much of honor or shame, we may well afford to
take time for their consideration.

One of the things most commonly seen, and about which all the world
smiles, is a boy and girl standing on opposite sides of the gate which
opens toward her home. They have walked from school or church together,
she has entered and closed the gate, and paused a moment for another
word; he has taken this as an invitation to linger, and so they stand
laughingly or seriously chatting, sometimes long after dark. The world
calls it coquetry, but the young people do not mean it as such; to them
it is probably far removed from every evil thought. They are innocent
and honest; but you can not make the world, that is looking for evil,
believe that they are not consciously flirting. It will estimate them
accordingly, and soon begin to say, “That girl knows quite as much as
she ought to;” and the good Christian people of the community will grow
afraid of her as an associate for their daughters, even if those same
daughters do the same thing.

These children have seen older young people, perhaps mother and the
minister, stand and talk and laugh in the same way. Some may ask, “Well,
why not?” Because it is not _good form_, because a bad social savor
attaches to it, because, no matter who does it, unless they are very
aged, or are, like Cæsar’s wife, absolutely above suspicion (and who can
venture to assume such a thing for himself), they will lose in dignity,
suffer in reputation, become the butt of some sly joke from the class of
people who need the help that can only be given by men and women who do
not “allow their good to be evil spoken of.”

If children and young people form the habit of stopping to talk at the
gate, they will do it as men and women; and by doing it, draw the evil
eye, and invite gossip. Teach your boy and girl that good form requires
that when they arrive at the gate, if they wish to continue the
conversation, both should go on into the house together; or that, after
he has opened the gate and closed it after her, she should promptly say
“Good morning,” or “Good evening,” and he should as promptly lift his
hat, and walk away. If they enter the house together, good form requires
that he, if he be young or old, should receive a family greeting, and
that the members of the family shall be free to come to the parlor or
sitting-room to which he has been taken, to remain and share in the
conversation if they wish, until the call is ended.

Two young people should never suppose that they must sit in a parlor
with closed doors; that father, mother, and every one else must be kept
out of the way because Nellie’s friend (never call him a beau) has come
to spend the evening. They should never consider it possible to extend
that evening into and past the large hours of the night. This is one of
Satan’s most fruitful wrecking devices, of which the young people will
never think, themselves, unless their training has tended to push them
off away from their natural social guides, and keep bad social models
before them.

When the boy, or young man, comes to spend an evening because you have a
daughter, give him just as much of yourself as possible; make yourself
so indispensable to the young people that they will naturally come to
you wherever you prefer to sit, rather than try to entertain each other
without you. This is not an unheard of thing, although one will
sometimes hear Christian people answer to this teaching as if it were
very extreme indeed.

“How then will a young man be able to say anything special to the girl?”
To which it may be answered that if he is not able to find some way
which is perfectly consistent with every principle of decorum, he is not
worth listening to; and if that is true of him, it will be because he
did not have his share of the right sort of home life and training.

In the social world, where Good Form is as binding as the Decalogue is
to the Christian, fathers and mothers have made it impossible for a
young woman to think of entertaining her young man friend shut away
alone with him. Strange to say, it has been the modest home, the
Christian parent, who has allowed Satan to set this trap for unwary feet
by leaving the young daughter, without one word of instruction, to
entertain some young man, perhaps a stranger, who passed as her lover,
shut away in the “parlor,” while everybody was given to understand that
no one must disturb the mysterious solemnities of “keeping company,”
even if they should continue into the small hours. And as a result of
this disregard of simple good form, which is as a fence against
recognized danger, untold sin and sorrow have resulted.




                                   V.


The most worldly society decided long ago that it is very “bad form” for
boys and girls of school age to think of _lovers_, of engagements, or of
marriage. Not until the day of childish things is entirely passed, not
until a young man has some settled purpose in life, some business or
profession which insures an income, does “Good Society,” as it is
called, smile upon any “serious intentions” between young people, and
every effort is made to hold the children of the social world to this
regulation.

All this is because of the fact which can not be repudiated that
premature thinking along these channels is unhealthy, and disqualifies
the youth for any real earnest preparation for practical life.

The world theoretically considers these preparatory years so important,
and education so vital, that with every possible device it seeks to keep
the children unconscious of sex, and of the burdens which this
consciousness always brings, until they have attained something like
maturity.

Of course the world fails, because it is trying to do by sheer force of
human will, and by human methods from outside influence, that which can
only be accomplished by the growing from within of a divinely planted
principle. But that which the world is struggling after, that about
which it has made so many laws, has written and talked so much, and in
which it is so often foiled, Christian parents ought to find practical
and easy, because of the power of the Spirit which always accompanies
every truth.

It is a fact, however, that many worldly homes have succeeded at this
point, because they have faithfully taught the principle, even if
without prayer or faith; while many Christian homes have failed, with
all their praying and so-called faith, because they have ignored the
principle that marriage is for men and women, not for children; and that
any association which takes cognizance of sex must be for marriage only;
that if it is for any other object, it is coquetry, flirting, and
consequently immoral.

This should be so faithfully taught to the growing child, and all words
and conduct in home and Christian social life should be so under the
control of this principle, and he should be so taught those habits of
social intercourse which will protect him from premature and unhealthy
thought, that he shall be able to grow up to the time of his own
home-making untrammeled by the entanglements of unhallowed associations
and their distracting memories.

Here again the boundaries of safety are marked by things which seem
trivial. The social world counts it as “bad form” for young people to
even shake hands upon introduction, because it has found out to its
shame and disgrace that there is danger in a hand-shake; and I am free
to say that this social extreme is better than the freedom which
sometimes obtains, because by that the young people become practised in
a looseness of conduct which opens the way for trouble.

“Good form” toned down from the extreme rigidity of the social world, so
as to meet the requirements of ordinary Christian intercourse, would
teach that the hand-shake should be just what its name indicates—a
clasp, a shake, and then a _drop_. Teach your son that he should never
place any lady in the embarrassing position of having her hand
_crushed_, or _held_ one second; for if she has been properly taught,
she will be sure that he is either ignorant, careless, or ungentlemanly
in so doing; and if she is herself ignorant and careless, if she is weak
enough to allow her hand to be held, she is in a condition where she
needs to be protected from herself; and your son should be able to be
that protector.

Teach your daughter that if any man clings to her fingers when she has
given him her hand in friendly, cordial fashion, if he takes the liberty
of placing his other hand under her elbow, or taking hold of her arm,
that it is her privilege and duty to teach him that he has committed a
breach of good manners by withdrawing her hand, forcibly if she must,
and stepping out of his reach. And any young man who is worthy of her
friendship will in his heart thank her for the rebuke, and profit by it.

Many a boy who has grown up in a family of sisters, and among their
friends, has, in going out into the world, had to suffer over and over
such tortures of chagrin and shame as were almost unendurable before he
could learn those little things in “good form” which should have been
taught him by precept and example in his home from childhood; and for a
lack of the right teaching in this “hand-to-hand” relation, many a boy
has been taken captive by shameless women, simply because he practised
in the wider and more wicked world the free habits which were common in
the neighborhood life at home, which, while neither right nor safe
there, were not absolutely dangerous, because each knew everybody, and
all were held to respectability by the short rein of close social
relations.

Teach your daughter that it is not “good form” to allow a young man in
walking with her to support her steps in any way, unless she has
suffered some sudden injury. A sprained ankle would excuse any necessary
help until a carriage could be called; or, if this were out of the
question, until she was taken home. If she must have help, let her take
his arm, and _hold on_; but teach your boy never to place his hand on a
lady’s wrist, and lay her arm along his own, holding her by hand and
elbow. This is a most vulgar method of supporting any excepting one’s
own wife, sister, mother, or some aged woman.

There is no possible reason why any young woman, who is in health,
should, even after dusk, need support from any man. She ought to be able
to keep her place in the road or field, or on the sidewalk, just as well
as he can, and walk independently of his hand or arm. The notion that a
woman must have a man’s arm for support is off the same loaf with all
the other nonsense which belongs to all the rest of that “clinging-vine
theory” which assumes that she is of necessity so much the weaker as to
need his constant attention and care, especially as long as she is young
and attractive. The _old_ and wrinkled woman can as a rule take care of
herself.

Woman has been made weaker than man by the sinful habits of life to
which social custom condemned and held her during the Dark Ages. This
subjugation was her part of the entailed curse. But from this, with all
its disabilities, she is to become free in Christ; and our daughters
trained in Christian homes should at least be able to walk anywhere that
a young woman ought to go without leaning on some man for support.

How much more graceful are the movements of men and women as they walk
together, keeping step, but far enough apart so that each is perfectly
free, than when locked together by the arms, especially in daylight, on
a smooth path.

As age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to see a son or daughter
supporting the steps of father, mother, or grandparents; but it is a
pathetic scene, the beauty of which depends entirely upon its necessity.
As a show of any special regard which two people may have for each
other, it is ridiculous.




                                  VI.


Good form requires that in passing through a door or gate the younger
shall always stand aside for the elder, and that care shall be taken to
open and keep the door, especially if it swings both ways, so that it
shall not hit any one in coming to.

I was once forcibly reminded of this article of the “good-form” code by
seeing a vigorous young college student rush through a door without any
regard to an elderly woman whom he met in the passage, and whom he
almost knocked off her feet in the encounter, leaving the outside door
to swing back against her slender hand as she caught it to prevent its
hitting her in the face. He seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he
had met any one, and by this unconscious rudeness he published abroad
the fact that he had been reared in utter disregard of ordinary
courtesy. This young man is trying to do what is right; he wishes to do
a good work in the world, but he is destined to feel the handicap of bad
breeding, for which he is not responsible. He will be responsible,
however, for continuance in bad form; for bad breeding may be made
temporary in its effects by an earnest purpose to replace it by true
culture. I knew a young man whose birth and surroundings in boyhood were
as unpromising as could be imagined. His father was a very low,
ignorant, drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all his habits, even
when sober. His mother could neither read nor write, although she was
possessed of intelligence and many true, womanly instincts, such as made
it possible for the hovel in which they lived to bear some semblance to
a home. This boy, who was the eldest of a large family, was bright
enough to attract the attention of a “district visitor,” was clothed,
and taken to the Sunday-school, and from thence went on through a career
of self-denial, self-training, and culture, always seeking the best
things, holding every advantage gained from point to point, finishing
his preparatory work as one of the most polished and consecrated young
men of a large college circle, paying his way by skilled labor in a
machine-shop for a few hours each week, while he was being equipped for
a large field of usefulness. He became especially distinguished for the
elegance of his deportment toward all with whom he chanced to be brought
into association. It was often said, “He never forgets himself,” “He
always does the admirable thing,” “You can depend on _him_ to do the
elegant always,” and the beauty of it all was that this was a part of
his Christian life. He was always wanted, but the social world that
coveted him knew that he could not be _had_ for anything that was
inconsistent with Christ.

Teach your boys and girls this principle of deference to their elders,
by example, as well as precept. Bring them up to practise it, with every
other expression of cultivated manners, among themselves as brothers and
sisters. The elder ones should, of course, never demand deference; that
would be the worst of all bad forms. No true lady or gentleman will ever
notice any disregard of personal rights. To demand this recognition, or
to manifest resentment at its omission, is to forfeit one’s claim to it;
but let each be ready to recognize the right of seniority, and that it
is at least graceful for the younger ones to yield place and position to
their elder brothers, sisters, and friends.

A well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old,
elderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door
herself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the “old
school” of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due
her sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to
be his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to
unobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and
wait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be
in danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to
thwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others.
In such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as
she can without haste, so as to get out of the way.

Among men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man
will be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies
for women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own
mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and _no more_. For a boy or man
to treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own
mother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will
taint the very best social “good form” with corruption. To demand from
others for one’s personal friends better treatment than he himself
gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible
form of selfishness.

“I let no man abuse my folks but myself,” was the frank confession of a
young man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his
“folks” with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his
constant habit.

The little attentions which should become habits in youth, because they
help to that appearance which will serve as adornment to every good
doctrine, is the placing of the chair in the most comfortable position
possible for another; seating grandfather or grandmother, father or
mother at the table; the adjustment of a light; picking up the article
that has been dropped; not waiting to be asked to help if you should see
that father, mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking for something
which they do not seem to be able to find quickly, or if they are trying
to save your steps by getting along with some inconvenience which you
can see might, by a little effort on your part, be made to give place to
convenience.

Nothing is ever lost “in the long run” by that sort of thoughtful care
for others which is known as politeness. In traveling, or in passing in
and out of a crowded church or hall, the truly well-bred man will never
be found struggling in the midst of a jam to get through the door into
the best seat, or up into the train before any one else. If he should be
caught in a jam, he would not elbow people right and left; but would,
while protecting his own person and those who are dependent upon him
from injury, find his own chance of getting out of the tight place by
helping others out.

In this selfish world nothing so quickly touches the popular heart as
that sort of Christlikeness which is recognized as politeness to
strangers in public places, and as carefulness in helping the weak, and
in refraining from adding burdens to those who are hard-pressed by
responsibilities. The man or woman who obtains control of the highest
quality of influence is the one who has either from childhood been
trained to think those thoughts that blossom out into beautiful
considerateness, or who has taken himself in hand, and by vigorous
self-training has pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, and
grafted in the gentler graces of the Spirit.

One W. C. T. U. lecturer had been painfully impressed by the fact that
baggagemen had to handle such heavy trunks. This was before so many
little wheeled contrivances had been placed at their disposal. She
accordingly supplied herself with two small trunks in place of the one
large one, for no other reason than to save the backs of the men. Her
kind intention was kept to herself for years, and it went unrecognized
at its full value until at length one day she encountered a grumpy old
baggageman, who seemed to have a special grudge against any woman with
two checks. He was from the first moment very uncivil, and threatened
her with a charge for excess of baggage. She said but little, only went
quietly along the baggage-room with him, identified the two diminutive
parcels, and waited. He looked at them, then at her, colored like one
who was ashamed of himself, and said:—

“Be them all?”

“Yes, those are all.”

“Well, what made you make two of ’em?”

“That is my way of helping to lift one big trunk,” she said.

“Your what?”

“My way of helping you to lift one big trunk.”

“It is? Well, I never! You did it to save our backs?”

“Yes: I never wanted any old man or boy to strain himself over a big
trunk for me, so I divided mine in two.”

“Well!” ejaculated the grumpy old fellow, who evidently did not know
anything more to say. His whole heart had suddenly mellowed, his eyes
grew red, and his hands trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed
those checks with the air of one who was performing an act of religion.

When he came with the two little bits of metal to the waiting passenger,
still carrying his cap in his hand, and when she took them with a “Thank
you,” and put them in her purse, he looked timidly into her face as if
to see if he could possibly be forgiven. She chose not to make much of
the incident, so she did not seem to notice his perturbation, but with a
simple “Good day,” left the baggage-room. But she knew very well that
that old baggageman would never forget, and would perhaps be kinder to
all the big trunks in the future for the sake of those little twin
products of her kind intention.




                                  VII.


“How I wish I knew just how one ought to behave in going into public
places, meetings, and lectures,” said a young woman recently. Others
have asked similar questions. I have heard something like this more than
once: “Isn’t it dreadful not to know the little things that would
prevent folks from looking at you and smiling in such a mean way?”

It is “dreadful,” as well as unnecessary that children should be left to
grow up ignorant of any of those things, great or small, which will make
it possible for them to enter the schoolroom, the church, the hall, and
move about in such a manner as not to be objects of unpleasant
observation to those who make politeness a profession.

All that has been said about the opening and closing of doors, and the
rules of precedence, are always in full force, and should become so
automatic that they will never have to be _remembered_. Even at home,
and in the small country schoolhouse place of worship they should be
observed, if one hopes to always do the “nice way.”

In a small congregation where “everybody knows everybody,” there is a
great temptation to fall into very lax manners, and so to cultivate
habits that are hard to overcome, and which will cause chagrin by and by
to the young man or woman who wants to appear well among strangers.
Therefore it is wise to train the children to such deportment in the
small church, or cottage meeting that they shall never be in danger of
bringing reproach on the home which they have left behind them, by
uncouth or disorderly behavior in any public assembly.

Any place of worship should be entered quietly, children and parents
together, single file, in such order that there will be no jostling,
crowding, or changing of places. There are two ways of seating a family,
either of which is good form. In one case the father enters first,
followed in order by the mother, the youngest child, and then the others
according to age, so that the eldest comes last. At the opening to the
pew, or row of chairs, the father turns, standing to face the others,
and waits until all have passed in and are seated, when he takes his
place at the entrance. This arrangement gives the mother the seat in the
farther corner, with the “baby” beside her, while the eldest child is
next to the father.

In the other case the eldest child leads, and passes into the farther
end of the seat, followed by the other children in such order as to
leave the “baby” next to the mother, who sits in the second place from
the end, beside her husband.

Sometimes when there is a large family, it is necessary to separate the
children by placing the mother in the midst of them between two restless
ones. But whatever order is necessary, let it be so matter-of-course
that the coming in and seating shall be in that decorous manner which
will impress the children with the sacredness of the service for which
they have come.

Teach the child that in entering a seat or row of chairs, good form
requires that he shall pass clear in to the farthest vacant place, or
that if he has dropped down in the end or middle of the row, and others
come to claim seats beyond him, he should always either arise, come out
and stand to allow them to pass in, or himself go on to the farthest
place. Teach him, never, under any circumstances, to make it necessary
for any one to climb over his feet and legs to reach a vacant place.
This is one of the most common and worst forms in which bad training in
deportment manifests itself.

Also teach your child to refuse to climb over anybody’s feet. Instruct
him either to wait for a decent chance to enter that seat or to find
another. The ludicrous, not to say unbecoming appearance of a woman who
tries to drag herself over the knees of some man who remains immovable
in the end of the seat, or who attempts to draw himself up to “make
room” for her to pass, is entirely out of harmony with the spirit which
should prevail in a place of worship; and the young man coming from home
with this habit, which has been formed by climbing over his brothers and
sisters, as well as parents and guests, and letting them climb over him,
will be left some sad day to wonder why people stop at the entrance to
the pew where he sits, wait an instant, look at him so queerly, and then
pass on, as if they were not willing to occupy the same seat with him.
He may think it is because he is from the country, because he is not
stylishly dressed, because they are very “stuck up,” when it is simply
because they do not choose to climb over his legs to find a seat.

But your daughter should be so taught that if she must stand in the
aisle and wait for some man to get it into his head that he had better
move on, or come out so as to allow her to pass, she shall do it kindly
and without contempt; for, of course, the poor fellow would do better if
he only knew how.

Teach by precept and example that wraps and rubbers should not be put on
until after the benediction. If your boy should grow up to the dignity
of door-keeper in the house of the Lord, he should know that extra seats
should never be removed from the aisles, nor doors be opened, until the
last “amen” has been reverently uttered.

I believe that reverence and a proper understanding of the meaning of
the sacred hours of worship would be wholesomely inculcated by the
practise of sitting down in silence for two or three minutes after the
benediction, or long enough for any necessary things to be done, such as
the orderly passing out of the congregation might require.

Good form requires that there be no loud talking, visiting, laughing,
bustling, or confusion of any sort in the breaking up of a congregation.
In fact, instead of a breaking up, it should be a melting away, each for
himself seeking to hold in thought, and carry with him all that is
possible of the subject which has been considered, avoiding everything
which tends to dissipate or to divert the mind from its contemplation.

This is the good form which _nominal_ Christians require and teach. It
is only the _form_, if you please, at the best dead, by which the
worldly professor seems to be trying to make up what may be lacking in
real spiritual worship; but that very fact proves it to be more than
ordinarily worthy of consideration and adoption by the most spiritual.
Upon the same principle that our righteousness must exceed the
righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees should our courtesy and good
breeding exceed that of the most cultivated people of the world.

That behavior which everybody recognizes as becoming the house of the
Lord, is that which would most certainly distinguish Jesus if he should
come in among us; and the true worshiper who will clothe himself with
these gentle, Christlike graces of conduct will be no less truly a
Christian, while he will certainly be more quickly recognized as such.




                                 VIII.


One of the evils which the good-form code is intended to control is that
of the money and gift obligations, and the part they play in the
association of young people; and in this the burden of preserving the
just balance falls upon the young woman, although it is equally
necessary that both boys and girls shall be so instructed that they
shall each contribute an equal share of that mutual protection which
good form is intended to assure.

A sentiment still lingers in the social world—a relic of medieval
gallantry—to the effect that a young man must grant anything that a lady
asks, even if, to secure it, he must risk his life, or character, or the
last “quarter” with which he was to buy his dinner. This asking on her
part need not be really _asking_: it may be only suggesting, or
consenting to accept. She may only exclaim, “Oh, wouldn’t a sleigh-ride
be just too lovely for anything!” She may have become naughty enough,
without intending any harm, to say this on purpose to make the boy whom
she delights to tease begin mentally to count over his small supply of
change to see if he can possibly afford the rig. Girls have been known
to take a queer sort of delight in leading a young fellow on to spend
his last penny, to contract a debt, and go hungry, because he did not
bravely refuse to take the hints that were intended to lead him into
expenditure such as he could not afford.

No girl who has been properly trained, or who has truth and the elements
of womanliness within, will ever resort to any such expedient for her
pleasure, but will keep herself from all or any such social
entanglements as would lead to anything so base. She will not allow a
young man to place her under obligation, even to the extent of car-fare.

Teach your growing daughter that to receive a gift of any sort from any
boy or man outside of the immediate circle of intimate, well-known
family friends, is dangerous, if not disgraceful. Gift-giving and
gift-receiving has come to be a vice. It is often intended as a sly,
covert method of _buying_ you. Gifts are employed for “padlocking the
mouth” of those who know something which, if told, might spoil some
selfish or criminal plot; and this is by no means confined to Tammany
Hall.

Many a girl has kept some dangerous bit of knowledge hidden in her
secret thought, and has been compromised by it, simply because she had
thoughtlessly accepted some bauble from some man whom she supposed to be
a friend until, the ulterior motive being revealed, she discovered that
the gift was a bribe, and its possession a confession of dishonor; and
then she has found herself in a great strait between her desire to be
free and yet to keep the trinket.

I had given a plain talk to a company of schoolgirls; and many questions
had been passed up to me, in answering which I had touched some of these
points. At the close of the meeting, a few girls lingered to speak to
me, each waiting to ask some questions “all for herself alone.” So while
the others waited at a safe distance, they came, one by one, to whisper
their perplexities in my ear. How my heart was taken captive by those
girls, as with shamefacedness, with trembling lips and burning cheeks,
they asked me questions which were revelations both of the lack of early
home teaching and of the methods by which an evil world had tried to
make them wise!

“I have got afraid of a lovely necklace that _my friend_ gave me,” said
one of them. “I’ve wished a hundred times he hadn’t given it; but what
in the world can I do with it?”

“Send it back to him,” I said; “tell him you know more now than you did
when you accepted it, and that you can not keep it.”

“But that would make him furious. I—I—dare not make him angry.”

“Then if he is so dangerous, you certainly dare not have him for a
friend. If he is worthy of your friendship, he will understand and
respect you all the more for this course. If he is not worthy of your
friendship, the sooner you find it out, the better.”

“O—but—,” and the poor girl burst into bitter weeping. Then after a few
moments, with a sudden firm resolution expressed in her face, she dried
her eyes, looked up at me, clasped my hands as if to hold herself by
them, and said, “I’ll do it,—I’ll do it right off,—and if he wants to
make it hard for me, he may. _I’ve kept honest_,—God knows I have,—and
he knows it, though _he_ hasn’t helped me, as he said he would.”

“He promised to help you?” I asked.

“Yes, he did; he said I could trust _him_; that he’d never let a girl be
compromised in his company in the world; but if I had done, and gone, as
he insisted, lest if I didn’t he would have been provoked, I should have
been talked about long ago. I thank you so much. I’ll get rid of it. He
may have his old necklace, and keep it to give to his wife.”

“That is right,” I said. “She is the only one who can wear or own it
with safety.”

The young man with a good heart, who is well taught in that which is
best in good form, will never offer to any lady outside his own
immediate family circle any gift but flowers; and those in the most
delicate unobtrusive manner, such as will leave her, in receiving them,
absolutely free to pass them on to some hospital patient if she chooses.
To make her feel, by even a look, that she is under any obligation to
wear a flower because he sends it, is to rob it of its fragrance and
beauty, and make it fit only for the dust heap.

Because of the possibilities which I have suggested, and many others to
which they lead, good form requires that a young lady shall make it
practically impossible for any man not intimately related to her to
spend any money, or force any gifts, upon her.




                                  IX.


I should not do my whole duty if I did not make some reference to the
“holy kiss,” nor yet contribute what I can to enlighten the mothers who
honor me by reading my book concerning the universal but almost
unspeakable questions that are always coming into the minds of young
people about this sacred form of salute. _You_ may know as much about
these questions as I do, perhaps more; but there is many a mother who
never dreamed that they could infest any brain but her own, and she
never dared speak of such a thing.

One girl came to me, her face suffused with blushes, but with a
determined expression about her mouth, and said:—

“I am going to ask you something right out plain, because I think you
will not laugh. I’ve never dared ask anybody yet, because everybody
always laughs in such a mean way if you try to find out anything about
such things; and I’d like to know how girls are going to know just what
to do. Now it’s just this way: I am going with Charley, and he is a nice
boy; he wants to do what is right, I know he does, but all the boys have
such queer ideas about their ‘rights.’ When he takes me home from church
or any place—and I’ve just got so I dread to have him; and sometimes I
think I won’t go with another boy as long as I live, because, you see,
when I go to say ‘Good night,’ he—he thinks I am so queer because I
won’t let him kiss me. But I won’t; I never let anybody but my own
folks. I don’t like it. I don’t think it’s nice to do that way unless
it’s somebody you’re sure of, and love very much. He says I’m queer; and
he gets provoked, and says it’s his right, if he goes with me. Now I
want to know—is it?”

“No; it is not,” I said, positively, and perhaps with a little flavor of
indignation. “And no properly instructed young man would make such a
claim. He is not to blame, of course,” I added more mildly, “for he is
young, too; but your instincts are all right; they are true; they are of
God who made the kiss, and gave it its own place in common human
language. It belongs to the home, and to the purest Christian fellowship
between man and man, woman and woman; _to society, never_.”

“Oh, I am so glad I asked you!” she said; “for I was sure my feeling
about it was right. But you know one doesn’t like to offend one’s
friend, and one doesn’t like to be called queer. But what does make boys
act so,—good boys, too, for Charley _is_ a good boy?”

I can not bring into the compass of these pages all that followed in our
talk, but I would like to give the points of truth to the young mothers
for whom I write.

The answer to my young questioner is found in the fact that boys, as
well as girls, have been left in ignorance of the principle, as it is in
God, of which the kiss is one form of expression, and have been left to
catch up its perversion as Satan has undertaken to work it into custom
and habit, in the world. Anything which Satan can not wholly spoil, he
will counterfeit; or, better yet for his purpose, make so common, if
possible, that it shall become worthless, as was the case with silver in
the days of Solomon, when it became as the stones of the street, and
“was nothing accounted of.”

The kiss, made common, is ridiculous. To be worth anything, it must
speak exclusively the language of a pure, changeless affection, such as
is represented in the love of God for his children. It belongs more to
the parent and child, brother and sister, than to friend and companion.
It is, as before intimated, fraternal, not social. As soon as any
attempt is made to drag it into society, it becomes disgusting, and is
always soon driven out by storms of ridicule. Therefore good form has
taken it in hand, and has determined its sphere and office with the most
arbitrary insistence. And again the voice of society is but an echo of
the voice of truth and purity. Good form has decreed that the kiss,
public and indiscriminate, is either an indication of unmitigated
rusticity, of shameless immorality, or is to be understood as a
joke,—very funny on its first spontaneous utterance, but very flat if
repeated. Indulged in private, outside the sacred boundaries of the
family, between men and women, it is unpardonable,—unatonable, at least
as far as the woman is concerned. Good form requires that every young
lady shall be so well trained that she will keep her lips absolutely
untouched for her husband, _after_ the words have been spoken that make
him her husband.

The “betrothal kiss” of the romancer has been brought under suspicion in
real life by the fact that betrothal is, in our day, not by any means
equivalent to marriage; and the young man who knows the world, and yet
sufficiently regards truth and purity to seek them in a wife, would
vastly prefer to find his lady friend rigidly determined to keep her
lips to herself as long as they two are yet twain, rather than to find
them always at even his command.

In the correspondence that has come to me as a result of “Studies in
Home and Child Life,” is to be found pitiful evidence of the ignorance
in which young people are allowed to grow up, even in a matter which may
seem, like this one, trivial and bordering on the ridiculous.

The habit among children of kissing everybody is little short of
vicious. Kissing games of every description are considered vulgar,
anywhere outside the immediate family circle, and even then, because of
the trend of habit, they are not good form.

There is great possibility of infection in the kiss. The remains of old
teeth, the breath and lips of those who are in any wise diseased, make
kissing dangerous. It is well-nigh impossible to find a clean, sweet
mouth in these days of human degeneracy; and because of these facts the
little children are exposed to every malignant disorder that is afloat,
and many that are hidden deep in the foul cisterns of the broken-down
body of grandparents, father, mother, and the strangers who straggle in
and use their “rights” on the freely rendered lips of the little
innocents.

The warnings of science, of which so many make light, are timely, and
should be religiously regarded as the authority of God by every one who
does not know within himself that he has so faithfully brought his whole
being into conformity with every law of life and health that he is clean
through and through, so that the sensitive lips of his babe can come to
his with the same certainty of a blessing in the caress that the bee has
when he goes to the white clover of the meadow.

He, and he only, who has brought himself fully into harmony with both
the letter and the spirit of Isaiah fifty-eight may freely give his lips
to his child, out of which to drink his fill of love. And the home that
is brought into this beautiful accord with Christ may be as the garden
of the Lord, from which all lips shall, with every caress, gather that
word of life that is sweeter than honey.




                                   X.


The time is at hand when the truth must be taken into every lane and
walk of life—into king’s palaces, into halls of learning, into banquet
rooms, and into homes of refinement and culture, as well as to the
haunts of poverty and crime; for the whole earth must be filled with the
knowledge of the Lord. No soul must be left to arise in the second
resurrection and say, I did not know the way of life, or I would not
have been here. There are being prepared in all Christian homes those
who shall become the messengers of this gospel of the kingdom to every
rank, grade, and condition among men.

This is a consideration for every Christian mother and father. As among
the children of Israel every maiden held in her heart the secret hope
that she might be the mother of the promised seed of David, so now,
however humble and far away from every center of influence your home may
be, however meager its furnishing, however much you may seem to lack
incentive to noble effort, there should be inspiration in the thought
that the little child playing about your feet, whose life and habits you
are molding, may be one who shall be called to bear the vessel of the
Lord, which is his Word, filled with the holy oil of his Spirit, before
some council of earth’s great men, and to answer for the principles by
which the world is to receive its final test.

By this I do not mean that he may be called to suffer
martyrdom,—although that is possible—but I refer to the fact that he may
have the yet grander ministry of standing up to be quizzed and
catechized by those learned in the wisdom of the world concerning all
that he has been taught of Christian principle, health, disease, and
life in the Holy Ghost.

Unquestionably, this work is waiting for some select few of our young
people in the not far distant future. Some great council of physicians
will wish to know all about what the medical missionary physicians
teach, and why; the chemists of the world will wish to know the
philosophy of the system of dietetics which will keep the temple of God
in repair; and, as is almost always the case among the people of the
world, there will be eating and drinking on a large scale connected with
all these investigations; and your boy or girl may have to accept the
place as guest of honor at some such feast, and carry himself
_elegantly_, for Christ’s sake and the truth’s; for the banquet, the
dinner, the lunch, play an important part in all social affairs to-day,
and will until the end of probation.

If a man of means and social standing becomes interested enough in what
you know of Christ to hear you out on it, he will make you a dinner,
invite a few friends, and give you a chance to talk and tell all you
know. And if you know how to take advantage of the opportunity—how to
avoid giving offense by your manner of speech and habits of conduct; if
you know how to charm and win by your personality, you have placed at
the command of truth an instrument that can be made effective where,
otherwise, no entrance could be gained.

Nowhere is the observance of good form more necessary to one who has
work to do in the social world than at the table; for here bad habits
may be given such disgusting publicity as to render them a cause of
reproach to any good cause; and the obligation is upon every Christian
home to see that its children are so instructed that they shall be ready
to quickly fill any place to which the work may call, and to stand with
dignity for the truth in any place that can be opened to its
consideration.

A home of wealth and elaborate appliances is not necessary for such
training. A child who is instructed in the proper use of the few simple
things that constitute the furnishing of the most humble home, and in
those rules of good form that ought to be the natural order in any
place, will not be left to carry with him into some important
convocation careless table habits, which, under the pressure of a sense
of responsibility, would certainly come to the front, in place of the
few better ways that he might have picked up and stored away for
occasional and special use.

In “acting out just what is in him,” he will not bring himself and that
which he represents into ridicule; the opportunity of giving the truth a
chance to shine will not be lost, while honest souls are left in the
dark; the breath of personal contempt will not obscure the character of
Christ, which he is supposed to represent. He will be accepted, first,
because it is agreeable to look at him; he will be heard because no good
reason appears why he should not be; and after that, everything will
depend on what he really _is_ and _has_ down under the surface, in the
place where he lives alone with God.

“But,” you say, “the Lord, who calls a man to stand in any place, will
prevent any disaster to the cause, provided his servant is honest.”

Yes, God will be able to use even his servants’ infirmities after he has
“_helped_” them (Rom. 8:26); _i. e._, added to them his strength and
wisdom. And this which we are considering is all in the nature of helps
to infirmity and ignorance. It is in the direct line of legitimate
education for the very best Christian service.

The honest-hearted laborer for God, who, with his heart full of love,
starts out in his ignorance and awkwardness to “do something” for God
and souls, will find “something” to do; but we are now considering a
work which every man could not do, and yet which some one must do.




                                  XI.


I must believe that the parents who fail, from carelessness or from
“lack of ambition”—the holy sort, which is equivalent to consecration
and diligence—to give the child the best possible preparation for a good
work, will be held responsible for the failure that would have resulted
if God had not stepped in with some special helps and prevented it.

Love for God will cover a multitude of social sins; but those who are
responsible for the sins will sometime have their reproach to bear. God
does not like to have to cover sins; he only does it so as to keep
things looking as tidy as possible, until they can be put entirely out
of the way. Covet the best gifts for your child, give him the best
possible social habits, and then turn him over to God for work, and God
will find rare service for him.

There are many teachings as to what constitutes good form at table. It
would be impossible for the ordinary mortal so to acquaint himself with
them as to become a “social success;” and this is far from our purpose.
All we need care about is to see that the habits formed are free from
anything offensive. Society is kind to one who is not ambitious for
social distinction,—one who has something to say that is worth hearing,
who represents a principle, or some new thing the discussion of which
may possibly furnish an agreeable diversion,—very much after the manner
of the Athenians in Paul’s time; so that even if one does not “know all
the ropes,” like one “to the Manor born,” he will be received and heard,
provided he does not blunder into the few things which good form has
decreed that he must not do under any circumstances.

Among these prohibited things are thrusting out the elbows from the side
so as to push his neighbor at table; resting the elbows on the table;
and extending the legs under it so as to bring the feet in the way of
those belonging to the guest opposite. If any guest does these things,
he may be sure that there will be at least three people over whom the
best and truest things that he can say will have very little influence.

The eyes of those who chance to glance his way will be seriously
offended and quickly averted if he should take up even a half-slice of
bread and bite into it. Good form says that bread must be broken off in
small bits, just when needed, not spread, but with a small lump of
butter placed upon it (provided one uses butter), conveyed to the mouth
with the thumb and finger of the left hand. You will be permitted to
bite the piece in two once if you wish, but no more; that is, it must
not be more than two “mouthfuls” to begin with. Under no circumstances
must anything, such as fruit-pits, etc., be ejected from the mouth into
a spoon, fork, or plate, but taken from the lips with the left thumb and
finger, and placed on the plate. Neither bread nor any refuse is ever to
be placed on the cloth, but on the side-dishes provided; or, lacking
these, on the one plate that is being used.

Food should not be conveyed to the mouth with a knife, but with a fork,
always excepting soup, and such sauce as must be handled with a spoon.

Do teach your children not to thrust the point of the spoon into the
mouth, but to take its contents with the lips from that part nearest the
handle, without the least possible sound. Teach them not to lift the
spoon so full that it will drip; and as your boy grows up into mustaches
he will need to learn how to take soup and sauce without defiling those
manly ornaments, or else to let soup alone at the banquet. But you can
teach him from childhood to handle his napkin so deftly as to keep his
lips clean, even after they have put on their thatch.

As to the napkin, by all means habituate the child to its use, even if
it be nothing more than a square of old calico or flour-sacking, hemmed,
or even _un_hemmed. He can learn on a piece of his mother’s old apron
how to use the fine linen of the king’s banquet-hall, and do it so
daintily that the apron and the mother who wore it down to napkin
dimensions will confer honor on the king’s damask.

O my sister mothers in the many humbler homes of those who love our Lord
and are looking for his appearing, has it seemed to you that any of
these things that I have written are trivial or burdensome, wholly
outside the sphere of life in which you and your children will ever
move? Are you so overburdened with many cares that you feel, when the
food is cooked and placed “anyhow,” that your part is done; that the
family may come “just as it happens” and eat, simply to satisfy hunger,
as do the cattle in the field? Have you thought that if you could but
get through the day anyhow, your duty was done? Still you must meet the
_certainties_ that are before you. Your children must bear a part in the
closing scenes of the world’s history,—ask yourself if there is not
something for you in these things that I have written. They have been
written with a most solemn sense of their importance. _They are a part
of the gospel message_; they concern the work which some one now in
training must do before the Lord can come.

The knowledge of how to prepare and serve a hygienic dinner, as well as
how to select suitable portions and decline others, at a worldly
banquet, may be absolutely necessary to the winning of souls in the last
call to the world.




                                  XII.


Nothing is of more importance to success in any work than conversation.
How to converse so as to win and not wound, to both give and gain, is an
accomplishment which has very nearly passed into the list of lost arts.
And here again good form comes to the rescue, and by its placid but
arbitrary code offsets that lawlessness into which even good men have
fallen in excess of zeal.

Sixty years ago the rule for children was that they “should be seen and
not heard,” so that a child’s talk was almost unknown in a company of
adults. This was so wrong that it has reacted in a sort of wild freedom
upon the part of the children which, uncorrected, develops into the
adult chatter-box and gossip, than which no character is more to be
dreaded.

Bad habits of conversation are very hard to break, and since it is by
the “calves (or sacrifice) of the lips” that we are especially to honor
God, by “words fitly spoken,” and that we are to “give a reason for the
faith that is in us,” it is not of small importance that we should know
how to talk. Begin with the baby, therefore, so that the child shall
grow up into correct forms of speech, and into that regard of all good
form which shall not only give him at once the ears, but the hearts of
the people.

I scarcely need to say, Do not use slang, for this is universally
understood as out of harmony with Christian practise; but yet it may not
be amiss to say that even the world of society, whose laws of behavior
we are considering, would ostracize one whose language was punctuated
with much slang. An _oath_ would be more tolerable to so-called “polite
ears.”

Money, or prominence, will for a time give a man social passport in
spite of all manner of ill-breeding. He can _buy_ a place and
recognition even from those who despise him; but this is not the sort of
recognition in the interests of which I am writing. I am pleading for
that which shall gain a hearing for the custodians of a truth without
which no man can live, and for the reception of which few are as yet
prepared. It is for the sake of the honest souls who are in the darkness
of the world’s “_culture_” that I am pleading. They have a right to know
all that the Spirit of God has been sending to his people concerning
that all-round righteousness that makes up the sum of that _whole gospel
for the whole man_, which is included in an uttermost salvation; and
some tongues must be so cultured as to talk the way open for truth just
as effectually as a _wag_ can do it for _fun_, a singer open it for a
song, or money open it for blind boorishness; and the quiet mother in
the home must have a large share of this work.

To this end teach the child that he must _listen_ when any other child
is speaking until he has finished; never to interrupt, or, if it is
necessary to give some information, to say, for instance: “I beg your
pardon, but,—” or, “Willie, if you please, was it not on Wednesday
instead of Tuesday?” Any interruption simply for getting in a word
should never be indulged. Teach him to wait patiently for a fair chance
to speak, no matter how great may be the temptation to “thrust in his
oar.” This should not be construed to include those playful
interruptions in the merry tangle of words which all children delight in
“once in a while,” “just for fun.”

Teach him to avoid all abrupt forms of expression, such as “Give me
that!” “Don’t!” “Stop!” “Quit!” “Get out!” “You sha’n’t!” “I won’t!” If
he never hears such phrases at home, he will not be apt to catch them;
but if he should, a few little experiences such as he would certainly
meet as a man upon entering the social world, with the adult equivalents
of these words, would teach him that they were very unprofitable. Let
him find out that he can get nothing in that way, and he will begin
intuitively to cultivate his tongue to acceptable speech.

It is not good form to talk at table about the physical organs, or the
processes of digestion, excepting when some special occasion should
require, and then it should be by the most delicate allusions. The
mention of any form of disease, or of death, would be considered
exceeding bad form; also any malodorous topic of any sort. Table
conversation should be such as to inspire every good feeling;
appetizing, promotive of good fellowship, comradeship, faith, hope;
optimistic in every sense of the word. The children should be taught
that no complaints or grievances are to be mentioned there, because such
things always have a tendency to destroy relish for food, and retard the
process of digestion. A chronic grumbler at the table will threaten a
whole family with dyspepsia. “Let your conversation be seasoned with
salt,” is a good injunction; and if the Scriptural rule is followed at
home, the child will grow up capable of taking the gospel message
anywhere without personal offense, even if he must go into many untried
places. Neither will it be necessary for him to “premeditate; but
whatsoever shall be given ... in that hour” (Mark 13:11) he shall be
able to speak.

I have confined myself to the _Form_,—a form which, though good, is
dead,—the _letter_ of the social code, which is at best a lifeless
thing, a burden, a barrier, often a cause of heart-burning jealousy,
wrath, anger, adulteries, and every sort of contention. There is nothing
so cruel as a quarrel carried on under the cloak of good form. The
bitter sarcasm of a war waged with polite words and phrases, the tones
keyed to simulate tenderness and love, as society requires, but
breathing of hate, makes a combination in which Satan is especially
manifested as in nothing else in the world. Truly the letter killeth.
The social code is all right, but, lacking the Spirit, it is a rotting
carcass. However, since it was modeled after Christ, it requires but
that the Holy Spirit shall breathe life into it to make it an instrument
for the accomplishment of necessary work in carrying the gospel to every
creature.

It is manifestly better to be filled with the Spirit than covered with
all the forms in the world; but _good form_, vitalized, will make any
messenger so ready for any good work in any field that he need take no
thought how or what he shall speak, for it shall be given him the same
hour. “For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which
speaketh in you.” Matt. 10:20.




                                 XIII.


Even good form may be made too burdensome to be endured, and it is the
privilege of conscientious Christian society to strike the happy medium
between this oppressive formalism and the true kindly life which can
cause even the violation of all form to be almost unnoticed.

It is better to have the good life without the good form than to have
the good form without the good life; but it is our privilege, and duty
as well, to have both.

In treating upon this subject it must not be forgotten that there are
forms and forms. Each city aims to be a center of social good form for
itself and its suburbs. Each has its own little peculiarities, as, for
instance, its own manner of using visiting cards,—the size, shape,
turning of the corners this way and that as signals; all of which differ
according to the decree of the social leaders of a great center of
social influence; and yet the manners of one city would never be
considered blunders in any other, however much they might differ,
provided they were sincere, easy, adjustable, and dainty. It is not,
however, considered elegant to ignore the customs of the people among
whom you may visit. That which your hostess considers good form should
be good to you while you are her guest, unless some principle is
violated. Good form requires concessions to even ignorance without any
of the “I-am-more-cultured-than-you” air.

Because of this diversity of forms it will be manifestly impossible for
any one to know just what would be considered good form in every detail
the world over. As in everything else which involves principles and
their application, it is true in this, that if you know and appreciate
the opportunities, and keep your eyes open, you will be able to avoid
serious mistakes.

In reply to many questions of a miscellaneous character I bind a little
sheaf of gleanings with which to conclude this subject of good form.

  “When a gentleman friend of the family calls, is it proper for the
  wife to go on with her work, and not go to the parlor at all to
  welcome him, but to leave him to be entirely entertained by the
  husband? Or is it necessary that she go to the parlor, and remain
  during his visit? Would it be proper for her to leave the room during
  his visit without asking to be excused?”

First of all I wish to drop the remark that the word “gentleman” is not
good form, as commonly used. It has been so perverted and misused that
it does not in these days even mean that for which it was first
intended,—a man of especially good manners. There are “gentlemen of _the
cloth_,” “gentlemen of _the turf_,” “the gentleman of _the road_,” “the
gentleman _about town_;”—all slang phrases, which have brought the word
into disrepute. The compound word “gentleman” was an effort upon the
part of human society to make distinctions which the Creator had refused
to recognize. He called man “MAN.” One can not be _more_ than a man.
Furthermore, the appropriation of the word “gentleman” by the
“aristocracy,” the fact that in the social world there is a “gentleman
class,” has made the expression inappropriate for universal application.
Instead of speaking of your gentleman friend, speak of your man friend.

Therefore I will say in reply to my questioner that when a man friend
calls upon the husband and family it is proper for the wife to occupy
herself with some work kept at hand for such occasions; or, if
necessary, after she has greeted him, and passed a few minutes
pleasantly in conversation, she may excuse herself, and go to her
household duties; but if she can do so, it is very cordial, and in every
respect good form, for her to take her work, and with some graceful word
of apology, such as any man would appreciate, go on keeping her hands
busy, while she assists in entertaining her husband’s friend. In leaving
the room she should ask to be excused, unless the men are so occupied as
to make it an interruption to do so. If she does not expect to return,
however, she should make her adieus, and invite him to call again,
before leaving the parlor.


  “Is it admissible for a lady to keep on with her sewing or mending
  while she is entertaining a caller? Can she take some kind of fancy
  work with her while she is visiting a friend or neighbor?”

It is perfectly admissible for a woman to keep on with her sewing and
mending while she is entertaining a caller, provided she speaks of it in
some simple, graceful fashion. This is a much better means of
manifesting your appreciation of a caller than to lay aside necessary
work and take some fancy article. You can even take your mending with
you while visiting a friend and neighbor, and it will be appreciated
more than fancy work. In many localities fancy work, especially for
married women, has fallen into disfavor among even society people. There
is a social cult which makes much of everything practical. It is a
fad;—here to-day, gone to-morrow; but it has prepared the way for even a
stocking-bag in the boudoir of some social queen: the stockings, of
course, are supposed to be of the very finest texture and quality, and
the darning in itself to be a piece of finest lace work; and yet under
the cover of this supposition one can take a real serviceable hose and
do good, practical work upon it.


  “Should the hostess offer to take the hat of a gentleman caller? and
  where should she place it?”

If he does not at once make his hat at home, she should indicate where
he can leave it. It is better form for her to suggest that he can hang
it upon the hat rack or peg in the hall, or lay it on the table, if he
does not seem to know that he can do so, than it would be to take it
from him. If he has been properly instructed, as every boy should be at
home, he will, without any effort upon her part, relieve her of the
necessity of looking after his hat. But if he appears embarrassed by it,
take it at once with some pleasant remark calculated to set him at ease,
and place it where it ought to be. The proper place is in the hall, if
there be a hall. Lacking this, any convenient place is in order.


  “If a man friend happens to call when the husband is absent and the
  wife alone, should she invite him into the parlor and visit with him?”

Such a friend should so time his visits as to make reasonably sure that
the man of the house would be at home, but if he fails to do so, it is
the better way to inform him when the husband will return, and invite
him to call again, provided this would be agreeable to both husband and
wife. It is, however, bad form to say, “Come again,” when you mean,
“Stay away;” _very_ bad form for the wife to invite any one to call who
would necessarily be disagreeable to the man of the house. In these days
of moral contamination and prevalent gossip, good form is a conservator
of good morals. Even as regards the wife’s relation to her pastor, if
the husband is not a Christian, and, as often happens, dislikes
ministers as a class, and makes a call anything but pleasant, common
politeness requires that all pastoral visits shall include the husband.


  “Where several are invited to a dinner, is it necessary for the men to
  escort the ladies to the table? or is it better for each to walk out
  independently?”

In relation to dinner manners, the hostess is expected to decide all
forms for her company. If she wishes to make it very formal, she
arranges just what man shall take out a certain woman. The couples will
be so seated that a man and a woman will occupy alternate places. Every
woman is expected to entertain first her own escort, and then to assist
in entertaining the one who sits next her on the other side, and also
occasionally to exchange a word with the one who sits opposite. It is
not, however, expected that one will talk all over the table, nor that
any one voice will command general attention until the table is cleared,
and the after-dinner program is called.


  “If two gentlemen with their wives should be riding in one carriage,
  would it be proper for the husband and wife to be separated, and each
  gentleman sit with the other man’s wife?”

If married couples are riding together the most graceful thing is for
the host and hostess to take a guest to entertain; either for the two
men and the two women to sit together, or for the couples to exchange
companions. It would be an exceedingly ungracious act for the host and
hostess to sit together during the ride, thus leaving their guests to
each other alone. In any country good form requires that husbands and
wives should appreciate each other enough to consider that they are
conferring a favor by giving others an opportunity to enjoy their
society; and that they should at least _seem_ to trust each other to be
friendly to other men and women, even if they quarrel about it when they
are alone. The appearance of suspicion is the most foul of all bad
forms; it is, in fact, the very stench from the body of moral death.


  “Is it proper for a woman to call in company with her husband upon a
  man who lives alone?

  “Is it proper for a lady to visit a sick man who is not a relative?”

It is suitable for a woman to accompany her husband _anywhere_. If the
husband intends calling on a man who lives alone, it is a very
neighborly act for his wife to accompany him. A feminine presence might
brighten the home of a social hermit, and would surely be as a
benediction to him if he were an invalid, or in trouble.

In visiting a sick man it would be better for two ladies to go together,
provided no interested man friend or nurse could accompany them. Yet
there might be cases where it would be necessary, and the only Christian
thing, for a woman to call alone, if she must, and render any necessary
care. This should, however, be only in case of necessity. The general
rule should be observed as far as possible, that men should care for
men, and women for women.


  “When leaving a reception, dinner, or any private entertainment,
  should one bid the hostess good night first before addressing the
  others? Or, if there are several ladies belonging to the house, would
  it be best to address the eldest lady first? I suppose it would be the
  same when entering the house. I would like to know what the rules are
  in regard to this, if there are any.”

The hostess takes precedence of all other members of the household for
the time being. If a person is required by circumstances to take an
early leave, and the hostess, as is sometimes the case, be occupied, it
is admissible to address others first. Faultless manners require that if
possible your personal arrangements should be such that you can
accommodate yourself to whatever exigencies may arise, so that without
any stress or pressure of any sort, you can have time to wait for an
opportunity to speak first to the hostess, and announce that you are
taking your leave. Then the way is open for any informal leave-taking
and preparations which you may have to make, reserving the last word for
the host, at the door, unless indeed, as sometimes happens, he stands
beside his wife at the leave-taking as well as the reception.


  “Should the host offer to entertain the company himself with music, or
  should the visitors invite him to entertain them?”

This depends upon the kind of entertainment, the character of his
visitors, and the proficiency of the host as a musician. If he is really
a musician, and has something which he knows would give pleasure to the
company, it would be expected that he would favor them. A few words of
introduction, not of himself, but of the music, would be appropriate;
but it should be done in the most informal and unobtrusive manner
possible.


  “Should one recognize and bow to an acquaintance when upon the
  opposite side of the street? If one meets a person with whom she is
  but slightly acquainted and bows, then meets him again after an hour
  or so, is it necessary to recognize him and bow again? How should a
  lady do at the second meeting?”

In chancing to look up and recognize a familiar friend upon the opposite
side of the street, a slight inclination of the head on the part of a
woman is correct; on the part of a man or boy, touching or lifting the
hat; but a vocal greeting at that distance would be bad form. It is not
necessary to bow every time you meet in passing and repassing often
during the day, although some sign of recognition is always good; but
when upon the first meeting during the day proper greetings have been
duly exchanged, a slight inclination of the head, a touch of the hat, a
cordial glance is sufficient. More could be made very tiresome if you
were to meet often while about the day’s business.


  “Is it good form to use a toothpick at the table?”

It is bad form to use a toothpick in any but the most private manner.
Its public appearance is always repulsive. It should never be used as an
article of table decoration. It is one of those necessary articles that
can never be suggestive of anything appetizing or graceful; in fact, its
suggestions are wholly of things concerning which one should be as
reticent and retired as possible.


  “Which is the better form,—to use the fork in the right hand, leaving
  the knife lying upon the plate, or to take the fork in the left hand,
  and use the knife to push the food upon it? In short, in which hand
  should the fork properly be held, and what is the office of the knife
  at the table?”

The fork should always be used in the right hand, for cutting, taking
up, and conveying food to the mouth, unless one is left-handed. In that
case it should be used in the left hand. The knife should only be used
for cutting what can not be cut with the fork, and when not in use,
should lie on the plate. It has a very limited service at the table. It
would be very awkward to use the knife to push food on to the fork,
because it is entirely unnecessary.


  “Should brothers and sisters call upon each other in their
  sleeping-rooms in connection with boarding-schools?”

Those who are old enough to go away to boarding-school should come under
the same regulations in such matters as any other men and women must
observe. The bedroom is not designed as a reception-room. It has
properly only one use. If it must for any reason be used as a
study-room, yet the fact that it is a bedroom makes it unfit for a
visiting place. It is furthermore the usual rule for two persons to
occupy the same room in the school home, and manifestly immodest for
sister or brother to intrude upon the privacy of these roommates.
Besides these considerations the association of brothers and sisters
should be upon the same plane of modest deportment as between any other
man and woman. This should be taught the children in the home, and
practised everywhere, for the purpose of education and training
preparatory to meeting the conditions which exist in the world at large.


  “Under what circumstances is it proper for young men and women to
  correspond with each other? Where not allowable, give reasons.”

When a thorough acquaintance between a young man and woman has developed
into that association which points to marriage, and when they must
necessarily be separated, correspondence is right. Such correspondence
should not, however, be considered too sacred to share with father and
mother. Anything that can not be shared with a good parent is dangerous.

If there is good reason for confidence between the young people who are
drawn toward each other, and yet who have had no good opportunity to
become thoroughly acquainted, a correspondence for the purpose of
acquaintance is admissible, although not wholly safe. To correspond with
more than one at a time has every appearance of evil, and is too often
just as evil as it can appear to be. Correspondence, excepting as it
leads up to marriage, should be for business only, as brief and formal
as possible, and should stop short when its purpose has been served. A
_religious_ correspondence between young men and women is one of Satan’s
most fruitful and profane devices.


  “Should young ladies at school be permitted to receive calls from
  young men? If so, under what circumstances?”

There should be connected with the young women’s home of every school a
parlor, open and public to all at all times. In such an apartment young
ladies in school should be able to receive calls, under proper
chaperonage and advice from those who have them in charge. Promiscuous
calling would be bad form, and dangerous to reputation.


  “Is it best for young men and young women to do missionary work for
  each other?”

The only way in which they can do missionary work for each other is in
each one making of him and herself the very best representative of
everything that is best and truest in good manners, according to the
divine model, and then leave the detail work for young men to men, and
for young women to women. Any man who must be led to Christ by some
woman, instead of some good, brotherly man, can never be saved. Any
woman who can not be helped by some sister woman, or mother in Israel,
can never be helped.


  “Is it proper for a company of young people to go out on a camping
  expedition for several days, even with a chaperon?”

This would depend on the character of the company. One chaperon would
not be sufficient for a company of young men and young women. There
should be _chaperons_,—a man for the young men, and a woman for the
young women; and if the company is large, there should be a sufficient
number of elderly companions to give them all necessary protection and
support in the enjoyment of the occasion. There could be no reason why a
select party of young people, properly accompanied, should not enjoy an
outing of this description. But in such a case it would be not only bad
form, but criminal, for any young man or woman to take advantage of the
occasion to break over any of the protective regulations upon which all
should agree before starting out. Common politeness and good sense would
lead each to co-operate with all to secure the most perfect good order
in the camp from beginning to end, by daylight and dark.


  “Is it proper for young people to take moonlight rides together?”

A moonlight ride for a company of young people, accompanied by fathers
and mothers, or teachers, or suitable friends of mature age, would
certainly be proper and enjoyable. Under no other circumstances.


  “What would you say to a young man who would stand around and talk
  with a young woman while she is at work?”

That he was indulging in a very rustic and childish procedure, impolite
in the highest degree, necessarily hindering and prolonging the work of
the young woman, and perhaps complicating all the affairs of the day.
What would I say to him?—That he had better go and finish his work while
I finish mine, and then if he has really anything to say, come to the
family sitting-room, at some suitable time, and we will talk it over.


  “What is the best way for a woman to meet indecent remarks or actions
  from a man? Should she ‘scorch’ him, or slap him in the face?”

Neither. To take the slightest notice of him or of his remarks is to
give the man the advantage. At such a time as this rudeness would not be
good form. The only safe course would be to ignore him as you would the
buzz of the locust in the tree, or the sound of the cable along the
track of the car line. You are obliged to be conscious of its presence,
but you go on your way, just the same, and let it buzz or roar. Whatever
such a fellow may say or do, never turn your eyes one hair’s breadth.
Allow him to wonder if you are really blind and deaf. A word or act of
even protest would give him a chance to reply. One word would call for
another, and no one could possibly forecast where it would end.


  “What can be done with students who will not listen to the advice of
  teachers upon questions of proper behavior, who will not believe what
  is told them about the character of those with whom they are
  associating?”

Unless it is a reform school, the only thing would be to send them home.


  “When it is known that a young man or young woman in school is impure
  in thought, language, and habit, what is the duty of those in
  authority in the matter?”

It is impossible for any one to know the thoughts of any other being, so
as to judge of their intrinsic character. The language and habits, when
judged from your standpoint, may be impure, but they may be really only
the result of wrong methods and circumstances over which the child has
no control, and for which he is not at all responsible. In manner and
habit he may be vile, and yet be no more responsible as far as thought
and motive is concerned than he would be for having the measles. He has
simply been exposed, caught it, and needs to be cured. But whatever the
thought and inner life may be, if his language and habits in the school
association are on the impure level, the pupil should certainly be kept
in quarantine at home, unless the school is like a hospital prepared to
take the case, and give the treatment that will lead to mental and moral
health.


  “In what respect does the relation of those in charge of a school home
  differ from that of the parents?”

In responsibility, during the school term, there is no difference. In
point of privilege the parent has greatly the advantage, as he alone is
capable of understanding the secrets which may be locked away, in the
breast of the child, from any possible discovery by the teacher. The
responsibility of parents, however, never ends, while that of the
teacher is limited to the hours in the school, and the school term. The
parents’ responsibility covers the whole life, and can never be
transferred.


  “Is it good form for students in their work to eat bits of food from
  the dishes they are handling?”

It is not only bad form, but a very disgusting practise for any one to
pick up things lying about on plates, table, in cupboards, or on fruit
stands, public or private, and put them into the mouth. The only
suitable place for eating is at the table, the picnic basket, or the
traveling lunch box, and that at the meal-time. The habit of nibbling is
also productive of many very troublesome forms of disease. Good form
requires that one should be as neat and tidy in the necessary handling
and preparing of food as in presiding at or enjoying a banquet.


  “Is it good form for a gentleman to put on a lady’s skates?”

Any woman who is able to skate is able to fasten her own skates, and
should feel a womanly contempt for that childish form of incapacity that
would make her willing to receive that kind of attention from any man.
The corseted woman, trussed like a fowl, can not get down to her feet so
as to put on a pair of skates; but neither can she skate enough to make
it worth while to take note of her efforts. Of course _she_ must have a
man to perform this puerile service for her.


  “What is the proper form of accepting or declining invitations to
  receptions, weddings, graduations, etc.? Should an acceptance or
  refusal of such an invitation be accompanied by a gift? If so, what is
  the most appropriate, and the best form in which to give it?”

The above questions can all be answered upon the same principle. The
formula of acknowledging invitations to receptions differs as widely as
the style of cards; but the very best “good form” is for each invited
guest in her own natural manner, in a personal, kindly note, to either
accept, or express regrets at not being able to attend. Books on
etiquette give an assortment of styles varying in degrees of stiffness,
which you can copy if you wish, but they are the most ungraceful relics
of dead form on record.

Concerning weddings: in many circles it is supposed that a response to a
wedding invitation must necessarily include a wedding gift; but to
assume that such an event is the occasion of soliciting silverware,
dry-goods, and furniture is one of the very worst of all bad forms. The
wedding gift has become one of the most troublesome expressions of
social hypocrisy. If it could be possible to abolish it, and give
society a chance to go back to the simple habits of fifty years ago, it
would be a blessing indeed. It is a misfortune to a young couple to
receive even one gift that either for its pretended or real value would
make the simple style in which they will doubtless be obliged to begin
life seem mean. Flowers or books are the most suitable things to bring
to a wedding, and even flowers may be so profuse as to become vulgar.
This does not of course include those gifts that would naturally be made
by the family for the purpose of giving the young couple “a start in
life.”


  “What are the proper conditions and forms upon which introductions
  should take place?”

Good form requires that no man shall address a lady without an
introduction, unless it be in a case of extreme necessity. An
_emergency_, for the time being, nullifies all ceremony; but after the
emergency is passed, the informal acquaintance should be ended. Every
boy should be so taught in the home that as he grows up, and goes out
into the world, he will not offend against good form, and bring himself
under suspicion by intruding upon the notice of any young woman whom he
may happen to fancy, without the formality of an introduction by some
one of whom he will have no reason to be ashamed.

Good form requires that the introduction of any two persons should be by
the desire of both. The slightest objection upon the part of either
would make the introduction a gross intrusion. The reasons for this are
obvious. Society has seen that after the introduction, anything may
follow, and the only chance for a young woman to protect herself from
undesirable and dangerous association, may be in the rigid enforcement
of this simple rule of rights. The proper form of introduction is that
which is most easy and graceful in manner for the one who is to do the
introducing. As in everything else, individuality should be given a
chance; the spirit and manner carries much more weight than the words.
Always, however, the person who is to be in any way advantaged by the
introduction, favored either in pleasure or profit, is the one who is to
be presented to the other. For instance, Mr. Lane has seen Miss Mason,
and has recognized her as one whose acquaintance he would enjoy. He asks
a mutual friend to secure the privilege of this introduction; Miss Mason
has been asked the favor with the assumption that it will be entirely
for Mr. Lane’s advantage and pleasure. Miss Mason is gracious, and
consents to grant the request. Mr. Lane is therefore brought to the
place where the young lady is waiting. Never should a person who is to
receive another be asked to come to be introduced. Bring the candidate
for this social favor, to the one of whom it has been asked, and upon
approaching, you will say, “Miss Mason, allow me the pleasure of
presenting Mr. Lane. Mr. Lane, Miss Mason,” upon which Miss Mason will
bow slightly, Mr. Lane a little more noticeably. They will not shake
hands, but will stand, or perhaps be seated, and converse for a few
moments, when Mr. Lane will take his leave, if he knows what is good for
him, and wait for some further recognition from Miss Mason.

Among very intimate friends, where it is well known that an acquaintance
would certainly be a mutual pleasure and benefit, this formula is not
always necessary. I have been giving the strict social good-form code,
which is for protection against annoyances. It would be an unfortunate
social misdemeanor for any person to make the second effort to receive
an introduction which has been once declined, without some advances from
the person who had made the refusal.

When a young man desires to cultivate the acquaintance of a young woman,
good form requires that before he utters a word, he shall frankly inform
her parents of his wishes, and ask their consent. _And this is right_;
and even if their decision is against him, a young man who is worthy of
a wife will have that regard for the rights of the parent which will
make him careful how he ruthlessly breaks into the family circle. He
will give himself time and opportunity to win the parents, before he
disturbs the mind of the daughter. The observance of good form in such
matters will bring a blessing, and save unspeakable trouble, even if it
should require what seems to the heart of a youth a great deal of
unreasonable delay.


  “After the introduction should the mutual friend leave, or remain and
  lead out in conversation?”

After the introduction the newly made acquaintances may or may not be
left to their own devices in following up the introduction. This
introduction does not under any circumstances bind the young woman to
any future recognition of the person who has been introduced to her. She
may ruthlessly ignore him the next time she meets him without any
violation of good form, it being supposed that she has sufficient reason
for doing so, and he will have no occasion to complain. He must accept
the fact that he has had all that he can receive of pleasure or profit
from this acquaintance, and be satisfied with it, unless he can by some
means so bring himself in some manly way to the notice of this young
woman that she shall indicate her wish to continue the acquaintance.


  “What is good form in dress for an evening reception for both men and
  women? Should gloves be worn?”

For a formal reception, society requires that a man should wear black.
If the host wears gloves, the men should do so. If the hostess only
wears gloves, only the women wear gloves. At a wedding the bride
determines whether gloves shall be worn. It would be very bad form to
wear gloves if the bride’s hands were bare. The fashion changes with
reference to what is suitable for both men and women, but as a rule what
is known as the cutaway coat for men, with a white necktie, makes an
evening dress for any occasion. It need not necessarily be of expensive
material. A great variety is admissible in women’s costume at a
reception. If she chooses to wear her bonnet, she may also wear a simple
tailor-made gown, of very plain style and color, a traveling dress, or
even an ordinary street dress; or she may be arrayed like the veriest
butterfly in all the colors of the rainbow, and still preserve unbroken
the rules of good form in dress according to the social code. But the
plainer style is unquestionably the better form in every sense of the
word. This is a social concession to the conscientious Christian element
in social life, and an effort to retain it; and the more truly people
carry conscience into dress, as well as the more they cultivate every
true Christian grace, the more they are appreciated even by those who
give time and thought to what seems to be frivolous in custom and
costume.


  “How shall one cultivate the art of conversation?”

First of all _by conversing_. But to talk one must _know_ and _think_.
Select some theme of general interest and importance, inform yourself
concerning it, then train your mind to methodical handling of it; think
it over in colloquial form; talk about it to the home folks, study the
dictionary for a vocabulary, and use what you find. It is a good thing
to have several words at your tongue’s end which mean the same thing, or
nearly so; but it is very bad form to “talk _book_.” You can fill
yourself with the book, but when it comes to expressing yourself in
conversation, talk _talk_,—common language, pure and simple, short words
such as even a child can understand.

The best conversationalist is one who by saying but little himself (that
little choice, clear, and true) can draw others out to a free expression
of their thoughts, making even the slow and stammering to feel “at
home.”

It is bad form to take advantage of a social opportunity to air any
private opinions that must necessarily arouse opposition and
controversy. Conversation should be like a refreshing stream, holding
all truth in solution in such form that it shall be recognized as sweet
waters, at which the thirsty soul may find refreshment. The truth which
it contains can be trusted to do its work in thought and life, as the
iron and magnesia may on blood and tissue.


  “What is the difference between good form, etiquette, and ethics?”

Good form contains the bare principle, etiquette applies the principle,
and ethics brings _conscience_ into the practise of it. It is possible
for etiquette to violate every principle of both good form and ethics;
but good form and ethics will always agree when they understand each
other, and will make a safe environment in which any child, youth, man,
or woman may live, love, and labor.

Nowhere is the observance of good form more necessary than during a
journey. It is especially a safeguard to the young and inexperienced
against the designing and vicious.

The rule is that the traveling dress should be of the most unobtrusive
character, of some neutral color, with no showy embellishments on hat or
gown, something which can be readily shaken or brushed free of dust; and
that every movement should be such as to avoid attracting attention;
that no acquaintance should be formed with strangers, unless it be under
circumstances that could admit of no possible question.

It is bad form to stand and look about in a waiting-room, or to
promenade the platform, to turn the head and gaze at people, or to ask
questions of any but officials. These things, trivial as they may seem,
carefully observed, help to keep a hedge of safety about the young woman
or boy who is obliged to travel alone, while only a slight departure
from these rules will often open the way for annoyance, and even dangers
such as we can not discuss in these pages.

In the matter of asking questions, the prospective traveler should
inform herself concerning everything she will need to know of her route,
etc., as thoroughly as possible, before she starts, so as to make
questioning unnecessary. It is dangerous to depend even upon men in
uniform for information beyond certain narrow limits. Do not expect a
local ticket agent, nor yet a railroad conductor, brakeman, or Pullman
car porter to know what every passenger may need to know in order to
reach his destination.

The man in uniform is responsible for knowing one or two things and
seeing that his own end of the work is kept well in hand. Beyond that he
has no official responsibility, and is often as likely to abuse
confidence, and betray trusting ignorance, as any other man.

If you are a young girl traveling alone, compelled to make a transfer
across the city, _never_ take a carriage or cab, but the common public
omnibus. If you have a tedious wait before you, do not try to relieve it
by sauntering about the depot or street, or any public places. Settle
yourself down with determination to patiently and quietly endure _in the
depot_, unless you know some suitable place to which you can go and
spend the time. Do not ask, receive, or act upon any advice from _any_
strangers as to hotels, or any other places where you could spend the
hours more comfortably. Accept no invitations excepting from well-known
friends, and even then not to any ice-cream parlors or restaurants.
Nothing short of a _family_ invitation to some good home should turn you
for a moment from your purpose to keep closely to the line of travel,
and endure hardness with good practical common sense.

Children should be taught in the regular routine of home life how to
entertain and how to be entertained; how to avoid the necessity of
putting on “company manners” by always in all relations of life
observing those principles of politeness which are summed up in the
gospel as expressed in that law of liberty known as the Golden Rule.

As a hostess, do not overload your guest with attention. Nothing is more
wearisome than to be compelled to ward off continual intrusive efforts
to make you happy and comfortable as a guest. See that all necessary
provision is made for your guest before arrival, that water for drinking
and bathing, with glasses and towels, are in her room in readiness. Take
your guest at once to the room appointed without stopping for
introductions or greetings; inquire if anything further is needed; state
the hour of meals, and any other regulations which must in any manner
concern a transient member of your household; arrange to return in a
half-hour to lead the way to the family room for greetings and
introductions, and then withdraw, leaving the coast clear for such
attention to personal comfort as is always needed even after a short
journey.

There may be degrees of intimacy that would seem to naturally modify
these good-form requirements, but it would be perfectly safe to hold
yourself to them, even if the guest were your own mother, sister, or
brother. If your guest is to make a long visit, everything like _effort_
to secure his comfort should be kept out of sight. In fact, all
arrangements should be made so as to make the visit a pleasure to all
concerned; and this can only be done by taking him into the home life,
and going on just the same in everything as if you were alone as a
family.

An invitation to a friend to visit you should be for a definite time,
and should not upon any account be extended unless you _heartily_ desire
it. Not a word or hint should be dropped out of so-called politeness,
which, if taken literally, would stay his departure one hour after the
time limit has been reached. The sort of hypocrisy that would say, “O
don’t hurry off just yet,” when you feel in your heart that you can not
conveniently have the visit prolonged, is very bad form, indeed, and a
grievous wrong to your friend.

As a guest, one should at once fall into the regular order of the family
life as nearly as it is possible to do so, avoiding everything that
would add to labor for hostess or servants.

A guest should give no orders to children or servants. All requests
should be made of host or hostess, and left for them to pass on as they
shall see fit. Good form requires that the guest shall be blind and deaf
to any unpleasant episodes that may occur, taking no part in any
disputes from the children up, and that at any moment when his presence
could prove an embarrassment, he will find it necessary to retire to his
room, take a stroll in the wood or field, or a “day off” in town; and
then when the time limit for which his visit was planned has been
reached, he will take his departure, no matter how warmly he may be
urged “not to hurry.”

Give neither money nor eatables to the children. Make no plans which
include them without first consulting host and hostess. In fact, the
guest should propose nothing, plan nothing. This should all be left to
host and hostess. He should make of his presence a pleasure to all,
which will leave nothing more to be desired. Let him find his place in
the domestic economy for the time being, and fill it in just as helpful
a manner as possible, remembering that here it is as true as it can be
anywhere in the world, that he who abases himself shall be exalted, and
he who seeks the most for others, finds the most for himself.




                                  XIV.


For public teachers, and especially those who are in preparation for
such work, this little book has a special message. The world will not
suffer long nor be kind to any exponent of truth who offends in platform
etiquette, or in home courtesy. Accordingly, I would urge my young
fellow laborers to eschew everything in manner which could produce
dislike or disgust in the most critical, for that most critical may be
the very soul to whom you are sent.

As brethren in council together, cultivate only those things that can be
used anywhere in an uncharitable world. Do not allow anything to become
habitual that will call attention to any part of the body or clothing.
Never finger the watch guard, coat buttons, nor the features of the
face. Unfortunate practices of this nature have nullified the effect of
many a sermon. Many a young man has made a farce of his testimony for
Christ because he stood twirling his mustache; and many a Sabbath-school
teacher has failed to hold her pupils to the truth because her hat was
filled with nodding plumes, flowers, or an elaborate tangle of ribbon.

Good form insists that any Sabbath display is vulgar, so that the woman
of genuine social position will leave the elaborate church toilet to her
servants, while she goes in the plainest of modest apparel to the house
of God.

One great misfortune to both home and church is that good form has been
considered a sort of parade dress, to be laid off with the “company”
clothes. The home folks have been compelled to tolerate anything from
each other, upon the supposition that nothing matters at home; when the
fact is that _there_ everything in dress and conversation matters more
than in any other spot on earth.

The home dress should be such as would be respectable if the wearer were
called out by some emergency, with no time to change.

Good form condemns the “Mother Hubbard,” and with good reason: Its
origin was infamous, its suggestions are such that the woman who wears
it can not command the same respect from even her own family as though
she were clothed with a modest garment.

Society can and will reject the presence of one who is rude in speech or
conduct, and in this has the advantage of the home; but the person who
practices good form in society, and by a sullen, fault-finding, or
untidy manner at home flatly contradicts every pretense of refinement,
shall surely have his reward in the covert contempt of even those who
love him; while any, however untrained in the arts of “polite society,”
who shall practice those graces that make ordinary duties fragrant and
sweet with the good manners of heaven, will be accepted anywhere by any
to whom he can be sent with a message. Any awkwardness that a man may do
will be pardoned beforehand for the sake of the beautiful spirit he is
by the grace of God.

And yet it is well to make it just as hard as possible for the world to
reject you, and just as easy as possible for it to accept your message.

All of which is written for the glory of our Lord, and to the end that
the truth may be carried to every creature.


  The Abiding Spirit, by Mrs. S. M. I. Henry. “This book deals with the
  presence, power, and ministry of the Holy Spirit as manifested in the
  most common material things, and as needed for the performance of the
  most simple duties.... It is safe to say that the larger proportion of
  common religious perplexities are touched upon in this book; and the
  way opened for light upon their darkness.”—_The Union Signal,
  Chicago._

  “The author takes high ground, and maintains her position
  well.”—_Alabama Cumberland Presbyterian._

      316 pages, cloth.                                     40 cts.
      Beautiful presentation edition.                       75 cts.
                             Address the Publishers of “Good Form.”




                          Transcriber’s Notes


—Silently corrected a few typos.

—Retained publication information from the printed edition: this eBook
  is public-domain in the country of publication.

—In the text versions only, text in italics is delimited by
  _underscores_.