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  WEHMAN BROS.’
  VAUDEVILLE
  JOKES
  No. 1.


  PUBLISHED BY
  WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row,
  NEW YORK.

  Copyright, MCMVII, by WEHMAN BROS.




WEHMAN BROS.’ BOOK ON HOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen

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WEHMAN BROS.’

Vaudeville Jokes No. 1.


The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the summer the iceman’s
harvest, so that it’s possible the milkman finds his greatest profit in
the spring.

       *       *       *       *       *

What is the difference between a grocer who uses false weights and a
highwayman?

The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman lies in wait.

       *       *       *       *       *

I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. Juliet ordered some
soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered a cup of tea. Now, the question
arises, does Rome-o for what Juli-et?

       *       *       *       *       *

You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to court Plaster every
night. She is a poor girl, but there are lots of other girls as por-ous
Plaster. I took her out riding the other day, when the horse ran away
and threw her out and broke her leg in four places, and her arm in
three places. I got some sticking plaster and put on her leg and arm,
and then carried her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to me.

Why not?

She was too stuck up.

       *       *       *       *       *

How old did you say your daughter was?

Twenty-two.

Gracious, but she’s young for her age.

       *       *       *       *       *

George Washington was the bravest man in the world. He was never licked
in his life.

Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp.

Then they had to do it behind his back.

       *       *       *       *       *

It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get up again?

Of course it does, in dew time.

       *       *       *       *       *

I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran over me. Just as I
was getting up, the driver shouted: “Look out!”

And what did you say?

I said: “Are you coming back?”

       *       *       *       *       *

I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the
congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here
next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when
I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.

       *       *       *       *       *

If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet.

What color do you prefer?

       *       *       *       *       *

When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake?

Because you put your foot in it.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?”

“You did not. Tell me about it.”

“No use--there’s nothing in it.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million
toothpicks.”

“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.”

       *       *       *       *       *

When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me.

Don’t you do it.

Why?

Because it will melt where you are going.

       *       *       *       *       *

Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right.

I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you
were a blooming idiot?

       *       *       *       *       *

The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea
as having a little smack ashore.

       *       *       *       *       *

How do you spell mule?

M-l-e.

That isn’t right; you left something out.

Yes. I left _you_ out.

       *       *       *       *       *

“How are you to-day?”

“Oh, I can’t kick.”

“Thought you were ill.”

“I am--I have the gout.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A little girl went to the drug store for some pills.

“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the
little girl.

       *       *       *       *       *

That’s my umbrella you have there.

Well, I got it in a pawnshop.

Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have
a pair of shoes to cover his feet.”

“And when was that, pray?”

“At the time he was bathing.”

       *       *       *       *       *

How do you like my suit?

A beautiful suit; who made it?

Carrie Nation.

Why, is she a tailor?

Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close.

       *       *       *       *       *

What are you crying about?

A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he
has been laid up for six months.

Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his
was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six
years.

       *       *       *       *       *

What are you doing now?

I’m brakes-man on a canal boat.

What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat?

Breaking up wood for the cook.

       *       *       *       *       *

I see they are going to have umbrellas made square.

What for?

Because they are not safe to leave a-round.

       *       *       *       *       *

Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a whiskey firm to
name a new brand after him. No doubt it will be a good liquor to make
strong punches with.

       *       *       *       *       *

“And now that we are married, dear, how do you think I will strike your
mother?”

“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin abusing mother right
away, are you?”

       *       *       *       *       *

Did you hear about it--my wife is married.

To whom?

Why, to me, of course.

       *       *       *       *       *

Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike?

I don’t know.

They are both sheeneys.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the street, “what do you
take for a heavy cold?” “A fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he
passed on.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now,
Henry?

_Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down
stairs.

       *       *       *       *       *

I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor
came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on
the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New
York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and
the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man,
you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York
again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to
swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop
your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here
I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off.

       *       *       *       *       *

“You would be a good dancer but for two things.”

“What are they?”

“Your feet.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days?

_Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing?

_Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business.

       *       *       *       *       *

I went fishing to-day.

What did you catch?

I caught a good eel.

While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep.

Oh, come off the perch.

       *       *       *       *       *

I see your sister is getting quite stout now.

Yes; she is working in a studio.

What has that got to do with it?

Why, she works in the developing room.

       *       *       *       *       *

Who was George Washington’s father?

Who?

Old man Washington, of course.

       *       *       *       *       *

I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph.

Well, money talks, you know.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!”

“What’s the matter now?”

“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper Trust?”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you attend the bicycle school now?

No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils up there.

       *       *       *       *       *

If a man should cut off his knee, where would he go to get another one?

Where?

To Africa.

Why?

That’s where the ne-groes.

       *       *       *       *       *

How is your wife now?

Oh, she’s all right, I guess.

She’s got you guessing, eh?

       *       *       *       *       *

“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s
where I got acquainted with him.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture.

What did he say?

Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose painted!

       *       *       *       *       *

_Benedict_--“I’ve been carrying the baby around the door for a week
back.”

_Bachelor_--“Carrying the baby for a week back? Pshaw! That’s no remedy
at all. What you want for a weak back is a porous plaster.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I went black-berrying to-day.

You did?

Yes. I went to a colored funeral.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?”

“She gave me a turndown.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will make it hot for us.

Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor has ever done.

       *       *       *       *       *

I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he had his bridle on and
couldn’t eat a bit.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do I; only somebody else
generally has the fun.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you take your medicine
without crying?” “No; but she gives me something if I don’t.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the
morning and bang things about because the coffee is cold?” _Wife_: “I
would make it hot for you.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? How did you come out?”
“Through the window!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” “I am, my dear--as
little as possible.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Emmy_--“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but not the least idea
what I am to go in. What would you wear if you had my complexion?”
_Fanny_--“A thick veil.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in two months.

How is that?

He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his
daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a
double chin?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between
five and a half and six feet.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How do you make chickens good fighters?”

“Feed them scraps.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself
up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had
fallen off.

       *       *       *       *       *

Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer
of a witness in an assault and battery case.

“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”

“What next?”

“Two glasses of whiskey.”

“Next?”

“One glass of brandy.”

“Next?”

“A FIGHT.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.

“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.

“Cut it out,” cried the scissors.

“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet.

“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.

“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write
for mine.”

“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.

Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot
under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the
matter, went out.

       *       *       *       *       *

“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to
wait long for a husband, did you?”

“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.”

       *       *       *       *       *

There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all
the prisoners “broke out.”

       *       *       *       *       *

At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me.
I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big
spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady
asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and
a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took
a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she
said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother
was.”

       *       *       *       *       *

An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Is your father still running a bunco game?

My father runs a hotel.

Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people.

       *       *       *       *       *

My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday.

       *       *       *       *       *

What is a strait?

A rubber-neck.

No, it is a neck running out to sea.

Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck?

       *       *       *       *       *

Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result was a “draw.” A
man who was doing some “bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them
arrested. One was discharged because he had a “pull” with the judge;
the other dentist is now “filling” in time.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.”

“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just beginning!”

       *       *       *       *       *

A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and settled in Canada.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” “Why, you said you
always have to buy flies when you go fishing.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A church choir played a game of ball the other day. The preacher came
out to the ground to compare “notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when
the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went home “alto”-gether.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My husband has given up smoking.”

“It must have taken some will-power.”

“All I had.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, as he bought the ice
cream for the girls on the piazza.

“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat to-morrow.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee?

No.

That settles it.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What’s the difference between the mumps and the measles?”

“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles you break out.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Inventor_--If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll--

_Wife_ (alarmed)--W-what, Frank?

_Inventor_--Have to!

       *       *       *       *       *

“What drove you to drink?”

“Thirst.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A colored man by the name of Berry was working for a farmer (who was
somewhat of a wag). Addressing him one morning, he said, “Go gather in
the straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the goose, Berry; the
older ones the elder, Berry; the girls the black, Berry, and don’t look
so blue, Berry.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.”

“Oh, yes, twice.”

“Twice?”

“Yes, once when we first met and another time she hit me on the head
with a rolling pin.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy day?”

“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Two young ladies took a long tramp through the woods. Who brought him
back?

       *       *       *       *       *

“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?”

“Coming, sir--half a minute.”

“Confound you! How slow you are.”

“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I went out to the races and bet.

How did you come out?

At the gate.

       *       *       *       *       *

“How old are you?”

“Some take me for fifteen.”

“Street cars take me for five.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.”

“What is he, a pawnbroker?”

“No, he’s a bartender.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?”

“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.”

“Oh, your mother?”

“No, my washwoman.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?

Sure I do.

Glue it to the floor.

       *       *       *       *       *

If I ever hit you, you will never forget it.

If I ever hit you, you will never remember it.

       *       *       *       *       *

Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from
the corn.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.”

“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.”

“On the dead?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What are you doing now?”

“I’m working on the town clock.”

“If that’s so you must be working overtime.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A girl goes into a store to buy garters.

“What kind?”

“Rubber.”

“I’d lose my job if I did.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.”

“Yes.”

“What did he leave?”

“Fifteen children.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Do you know ping-pong?”

“Sure! He washes my shirts.”

       *       *       *       *       *

There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time.
The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his
wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a
good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct
cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a
nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house).
The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant
opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he
die?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.”

“If you do I’ll put words to it.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco.

What kind of tobacco is that?

Chewing.

       *       *       *       *       *

When a man longs for money he is generally short.

       *       *       *       *       *

“You have a big head this morning.”

“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.”

“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”

“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can
on land.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the
(y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined
to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one
her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able
to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY
FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER.

_Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll
up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not
be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?”

“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in
without it.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Does your wife miss you much?”

“No; she can throw as straight as I can.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Did you ever see a pig wash?”

“No, but I saw pig iron.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How is your farm this year?”

“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it
anywhere.

_He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear?

       *       *       *       *       *

I would never play poker with a dentist.

Why not?

It’s too easy for him to draw and fill.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?”

“Nutting.”

“Nothing--well, that’s a healthy occupation for a big man.”

“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting nuts on bolts, ain’t
that nutting?”

       *       *       *       *       *

I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the
beer settle.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.”

“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married a little over a year.”

“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.”

       *       *       *       *       *

What did the Judge say when you sassed him?

He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty days.

       *       *       *       *       *

Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a pair of silk hose.
I told her that Ten Dollars was too much to pay for a pair of silk
stockings. She said she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she
wanted something to show for her money.

       *       *       *       *       *

Did you ever hear a fairy story?

Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who pinched his watch.

       *       *       *       *       *

What is the difference between a cat and a match?

A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its head.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.”

“What was it?”

“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?”

“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.”

“Any lives lost?”

“A thousand souls” (soles).

       *       *       *       *       *

Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty 11 inches long?

I don’t know.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been a foot.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.”

“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp with his nose.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What would you do if I should kiss you?”

“I should call for help?”

“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Do you think there is any danger in going up in a balloon?”

“Not half as much as there is in coming down.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I married my typewriter.”

“Why?”

“So I can dictate to her.”

       *       *       *       *       *

My wife gave birth to triplets.

Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding?

       *       *       *       *       *

“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked.

She nodded her sweet permission;

So we went to press, and I rather guess

I printed a large edition.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”

“What does he do?”

“Hires root beer.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through
the mattress and fell into the spring.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”

“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and
sixty.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Are you still following the races?”

“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”

“O, he’s gone into real estate.”

“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.”

“It was; he’s dead.”

       *       *       *       *       *

When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to
cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to
go to church right away.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!

_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a
little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer?

       *       *       *       *       *

“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a
blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.”

“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk
back?”

“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is your sister ever out of temper?”

“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in.

“About one.”

Just then the clock struck three.

“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a
feeble attempt at justification and a joke.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?”

“They have gone to the wall.”

“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”

“Yes, but the patent expired.”

       *       *       *       *       *

What is the difference between a man and a hen?

A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a
hen can’t.

       *       *       *       *       *

My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.

He must have been a great general.

No, he was in a balloon.

       *       *       *       *       *

I wish that the good Lord had made me a man.

Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.”

“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.”

“Oh, I only fell off the first round.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“There was a fight at the baker shop.”

“What caused it?”

“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Do you know my brother?”

“Which one, the one with the smooth face?”

“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted to beat his wife
last night, and two policemen rushed in just in time to prevent murder.”

“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?”

“No, to the hospital.”

       *       *       *       *       *

If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens say?

I don’t know; what would they say?

Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade.

       *       *       *       *       *

I used to work in a watch factory.

What did you do?

I made faces.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired the old lady in
the Grand Central depot.

“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.”

“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a depot?”

“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas solemnly.

       *       *       *       *       *

How did that sausage that you ate agree with you?

It hurt my liver wurst.

       *       *       *       *       *

A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in the gallery of the
church pelting the hearers in the pews below with horse chestnuts. As
the good man looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your preaching,
Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your wife had?”

“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.”

“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that you beat her.”

       *       *       *       *       *

We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We take it away from her.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?”

“Flushing Long Island.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.”

“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Hello, is this you, Doctor?”

“Yes,” says Doctor.

“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to
pull her through.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Beer always makes me fat.

Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting
customer.

“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl,
“and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m
engaged.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.”

“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.”

“On water! and you lived?”

“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.”

“Why?”

“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon
asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The
janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires
for the school-teachers.

       *       *       *       *       *

A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said:
“You see what drink does.”

_Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car
run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and
was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How’s your brother?”

“Why, my brother is away for three years.”

“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.”

“Well, my brother’s smart.”

“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.”

“Well, you never mind my brother.”

“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Where do you think I got this collar?”

“Where?”

“Around my neck.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over
here.”

“Well, just sit down and think it over.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see
a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Ma, what is an angel?”

“An angel is one that flies.”

“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.”

“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I can’t sing since I worked for a baker.

Why not?

I can’t get any higher than dough.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?”

“He pulled my leg.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.”

“Why is that?”

“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“They say that Eve is the only woman that never looked behind her to
see what the other woman had on. But then you know she was only a side
issue.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I took a prize once on these roller skates.

How did you do it?

The man wasn’t looking.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced recently as
“fifteen cents” (three nickels).

       *       *       *       *       *

“Did your sister marry a rich husband?”

“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What’s your occupation?”

“I’m janitor of a car.”

“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. I’ve heard of the
janitor of a flat.”

“Well, this is a flat car.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I cut my dog’s tail off.

Did it make any difference with his carriage?

No, but it stopped his wagon.

       *       *       *       *       *

The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl
was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?”

“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald.

“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I did a good thing to-day.”

“Where did you meet him?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”

“Ten years.”

“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?”

“No, you have to take your time there.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not
be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven
o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?”
I remain at home now.

P. S.--My name is Bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s
mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s
what he is----”

“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day
he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the
furniture.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get
through this gate to the park?”

He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.”

       *       *       *       *       *

When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate?

Yes, she left the earth.

       *       *       *       *       *

My wife dresses out of sight.

That’s the proper place for her to dress.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter?

_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a
typewriter of his own?

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is your watch all right, now?”

“No, but it’s gaining.”

       *       *       *       *       *

George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars
a week but he gets along splendidly.

How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?

Why, every little helps.

       *       *       *       *       *

The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three
kernels were killed.

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week.

_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday.

_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling?

_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles.

       *       *       *       *       *

I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to
see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill.

       *       *       *       *       *

“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.”

“What does he model it on?”

“His wife’s tongue.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Are you a carpenter?

Yes.

How would you make a Venetian blind?

Punch him in the eye.

       *       *       *       *       *

There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided
it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.

“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t
any. Take Elsie’s.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?”

“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you know that my little dog is dead?

I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else
went up the alley and died by the yard.

Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor?

_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to
show him my tongue.

       *       *       *       *       *

In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars
of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and
the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol
refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with
great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of
horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!”

       *       *       *       *       *

Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence.

All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”

“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his
widow and children.”

       *       *       *       *       *

My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very
well together.

Why don’t she get a transfer?

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before
turning on the _x_-rays.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime?

_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye.

_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel.

       *       *       *       *       *

“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to
hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there
with the cigar, all right.”

“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”

“No? What was he?”

“A cigar-holder.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”

“No wonder; it’s dyed.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.”

“Bring it over to the house fish day.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How did you get your start in life?”

“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”

“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”

“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”

“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”

“No, I was a bookmaker.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?”

“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.”

“The river?”

“The installment jeweler’s bill.”

       *       *       *       *       *

The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no
bettor.

       *       *       *       *       *

I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the
scent of my feet.

Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?

       *       *       *       *       *

“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see
what I’m a-doin’ of?”

“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.”

“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody
axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to
the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the
house in the morning and when I come home at night.

_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the
family.”

“Why, dear?”

“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa
say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’”

       *       *       *       *       *

“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”

“What does?”

“A nickel and a quarter.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?”

“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone!

_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked?

_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn.

       *       *       *       *       *

Where are you living now?

Up in the tenth story of a brick building.

Have you got any children?

No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.

       *       *       *       *       *

“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but
cow-hide!”

“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?”

       *       *       *       *       *

Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper.

“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?”

“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the
other boys.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”

_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?”

_Guest_--“No.”

_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move?

I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana
stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly.

       *       *       *       *       *

Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If
he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And
there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his
mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay.

       *       *       *       *       *

Is the Lord everywhere?

Yes, my child.

Is he in our cellar?

Yes, dear.

He is not. We have no cellar.

       *       *       *       *       *

A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head
and tail on the same end.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away?

_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.

_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house?

_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What makes you so foolish?”

“It’s my mother’s fault.”

“Why, how is that?”

“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board;
“will you mind it?”

“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you
think I’m a nurse?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What did you get that bronze medal for?”

“For singing.”

“What did you get the gold one for?”

“For quitting.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”

“Yes. In a millinery store?”

“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with
cold.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.”

_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this
place’ll be stirred up.”

_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?”

_Rube_--“Ploughin’.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She
wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will
you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”

“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”

       *       *       *       *       *

“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”

“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.”

       *       *       *       *       *

What is your business?

I am a diamond cutter.

Where did you ever cut any diamonds?

Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond.

       *       *       *       *       *

A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said,
“Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.”

“What was the color of her hair?”

“I didn’t notice her face.”

       *       *       *       *       *

How do you like married life?

Oh, I live like a bird.

How is that?

I have to fly for my life.

       *       *       *       *       *

“They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?”

“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by
merely putting his finger on it.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?”

“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is that punch bowl cut glass?”

“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him
that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a
bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor
his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He
lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I saw your sister on the street to-day.”

“How was she looking?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.”

“How did you know it was my sister?”

“Oh, I’m quick at figures.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What do you take for the grip?”

“Oh, I get it without taking anything.”

       *       *       *       *       *

You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry?

Yes.

I pawned it for five dollars.

That’s time wasted.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?”

_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.”

_Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!”

_Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order
said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I
interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.”

       *       *       *       *       *

When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with
him?

I suppose they get him a bed of his own.

No. They boycott him.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw.

_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.

       *       *       *       *       *

My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.

What for?

For making bad coffee.

That was poor grounds.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon.

_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights?

_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full.

       *       *       *       *       *

“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.”

“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks
like!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the
mother the third time.

“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.

And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope
Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?”

“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”

“Yes.”

“I could see his pupils.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’m following the horses now.”

“Are you beating them?”

“No. I lost my whip.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“You remind me of a river.”

“How so?”

“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”

“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never
noticed me.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?”

_Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by
thet there confidence feller.”

_Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry
him in her pocket.”

“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he
marries her.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?”

“Oh, about three seconds.”

“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?”

“No limit.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?”

“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came over in the Mayflower,”
said Miss South Church.

“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not quite understand. “Our
folks made their fortune in September wheat.”

       *       *       *       *       *

What is an Island?

A pimple on the Ocean.

What is a strait?

Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What did you steal that cradle for?”

“Oh, just for a kid.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why, the bare idea!”

“Of what, dear?”

“Telling the naked truth!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Are you going to the seashore this summer?”

“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last year.”

“Not enough men?”

“No; too many mosquitoes.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.”

“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. See?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I was down to the race track yesterday and played a horse 20 to 1.”

“Well?”

“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Airships will be all the rage soon.”

“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a rage.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Seeing is believing, you know.”

“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom believe you.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is a profitless enterprise?”

“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.”

“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch in one.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas City, Kan., $1 each
annually--won’t it work a hardship on them?

They can easily scrape up the money.

       *       *       *       *       *

“That young man who calls on you twice a week stays too late. You will
have to sit down on him.”

“Why, I do, mamma.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you know Minnie Fish?

Yes, I’m going to drop her a line.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Does your wife miss you when you are away from home?”

“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at home.”

“How’s that?”

“Her aim isn’t accurate.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.”

“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.”

“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize with the tailor.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Did you hear about Waters the iceman?

No! what about him?

Why, he went on the stage.

Was he a success?

No, he was a frost.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You acted like a fish out of
water.”

“Yes, I was a sucker.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine to-day?”

“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.”

“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“My, but you have large ears!”

“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?”

“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”

“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the
rest.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What are you crying about?”

“Oh, they are not regular tears.”

“What are they, then?”

“They’re just volunteers.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots
of dust.

Yes, he was a street-sweeper.

       *       *       *       *       *

“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?”

“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”

“Yes, husband.”

“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“We had short-cake for tea.”

“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?”

“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!”

       *       *       *       *       *

Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him
to drink. How different it is with men!

       *       *       *       *       *

_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?”

_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he
punched the ticket.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies?

_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Do you like corn on the ear?

I never had one there.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong.

_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.”

“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?”

“What good would it do?”

“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the
reward.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud
hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a
small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch
in a roll of yer butter.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is your brother doing?”

“Six months.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”

“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Bill_--That man is a horrible liar.

_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My landlord is a checker-player.”

“What makes you think so?”

“He told me it was my move.”

“Yes?”

“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.”

“He did, but she dyed.”

       *       *       *       *       *

You ought to learn violin.

Why?

It will give your chin a rest.

       *       *       *       *       *

“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man,
“seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.”

“With my heart?”

“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”

“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t
her name at all.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Do you know what it is to love a woman?”

“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married.” [Sadly.]

“Whom did she marry?”

“Me.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_He_--Why has he put her picture in his watch?

_She_--Because he thinks she will love him in time.

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_--My but I was shy when the parson asked me my age.

_He_--Yes, about ten years shy.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.”

“Did you leave him there?”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Jack_--“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked up for stealing
kisses?”

_Flo_--“Well, I think he ought to be _tied_ up.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Young Wife_--“How do you like my cooking? Don’t you think I’ve begun
well?”

_Husband_--“Um--yes. I’ve often heard that well begun is half done.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“He is a dealer in drawing materials.”

“Crayons?”

“No, mustard plasters.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Harry_--Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened to me the other
day--I was riding on a Sixth Avenue car when a very fine young lady
entered the car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my seat.

_Charlie_--That was proper, perfectly proper.

_Harry_--Well, I only done it to see how I stood.

       *       *       *       *       *

They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the skylight of one of
the skyscrapers.

“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came through and landed on
the floor.

“Scotland.”

“How do you know?”

“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach last night, only for
one thing.”

“What was that--some one take you out for dinner?”

“No, I slept on my back.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Where were you?”

“Down on Wall Street.”

“Well, what were you doing down there?”

“Buying wall paper.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_--Yes, my husband run away and shook me when I was forty-five.

_He_--That’s not a bad shake.

       *       *       *       *       *

Are they twins?

They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?”

“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house keeping.”

       *       *       *       *       *

When does the bank cashier buy a yacht?

When he’s going to be a skipper.

       *       *       *       *       *

“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you get it twisted.”

“What is that?”

“A corkscrew.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little Archie at dinner, on
the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh was present as the guest of honor.

“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?”

“Why, you told mamma this morning that you were going to bring a
‘muttonhead’ home for dinner this evening.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry Herring.” I went
in and said, “Mister, do you keep dry herring?” The storekeeper said,
“Yes.” I said, “Why don’t you give them a drink?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?”

“Who?”

“The coal man.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Woods_--Who is the champion light-weight in your town?

_Lewis_--My grocer.

       *       *       *       *       *

“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars and he gave her assent.”

“The mean thing!”

       *       *       *       *       *

A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got
through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a
club.

       *       *       *       *       *

A young man asked a widow to marry him.

“What’s the difference between myself and Willard Pond’s Jersey cow?”
asked the widow.

“I don’t know,” said the young man.

“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?”

“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!”

       *       *       *       *       *

My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and
went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you
hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Waitress, will that roll be long?”

“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“The boss said I was too full of my business.”

“What’s your biz?”

“Whiskey traveller.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow.

_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I
use force.

_Boy_--Force?

_Boss_--Yes, force.

_Boy_--Ever tried Grape-Nuts?

       *       *       *       *       *

_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”

_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I want something striking for a wedding present.”

“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”

“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”

       *       *       *       *       *

A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and
told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the
money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give
two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.”

“How much?”

“Two pints.”

       *       *       *       *       *

Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he
heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the
raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak.

       *       *       *       *       *

What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman?

When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?

When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days
after.

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_ (disgustedly)--Drunk again?

_He_--Hic, so am I.

       *       *       *       *       *

The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of
noise, his wooden leg pained him.

How could that be?

His wife hit him over the head with it.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch
that all the trouble came about?”

_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it
out.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“How do you tell the age of a turkey?”

“By the teeth.”

“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!”

“No; but I have.”

       *       *       *       *       *

B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen
m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub
me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he
said: “Scouring the country for money.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat there for two weeks.

When was that?

That was when he was in Chicago.

       *       *       *       *       *

I always put my money under the mattress at night.

Why?

So I’ll have something to fall back on.

       *       *       *       *       *

You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car to-day.

I don’t know, what did you see?

The conductor.

       *       *       *       *       *

“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?”

“Bought ’em.”

“Does your wife choose your clothes?”

“No, she only picks the pockets!”

       *       *       *       *       *

Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he?

Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy.

       *       *       *       *       *

When did your teeth first begin troubling you?

When I was cutting them.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.”

“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.”

“Where?”

“At the circus.”

       *       *       *       *       *

If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for
ten years.

What did they do with him?

They hung him.

       *       *       *       *       *

“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.”
“Who is it?” “A blind man.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?”

_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.”

_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped
and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.

       *       *       *       *       *

“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.”

“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.”

“She must have changed since she married you.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why is a kiss like the three graces?”

“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old
maid.”

       *       *       *       *       *

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point
of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s
lying?”

       *       *       *       *       *

Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do?

I would buy a fine comb.

       *       *       *       *       *

A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often heard of the
_fore_ quarters of the globe, but never heard any person say anything
about the _hind_ quarters.

       *       *       *       *       *

“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it stops, that’s no
use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards without it?”

“Give it up.”

“The noise!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.”

“Why?”

“Played poker with him last night, when I got up to get a drink he
looked at my hand.”

       *       *       *       *       *

I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I came before the judge
he said: “Young man, you’re arrested for picking the pocket of an old
man.” I said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as they came
in the crowd.”

       *       *       *       *       *

_She_--Do you believe there are microbes in kisses?

_He_--I never believe anything without investigation.

       *       *       *       *       *

“My wife was very sick the other night and I thought she would die. She
moaned and groaned and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off
her.”

“Well, what then?”

“I put the covers back and then she recovered.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I want a dog-collar.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. “What
size shirt do you wear?”

       *       *       *       *       *

“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.”

“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!”

“That’s what I said.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?”

“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves and they haven’t
got the heart to laugh.”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.”

“Is it for your father?”

“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!”

       *       *       *       *       *

“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?”

“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.”




THE STUDENT’S Manual of Phonic Shorthand

PRICE 30 CENTS.

[Illustration: THE LORD’S PRAYER]

The contents of this book is a complete introduction to the
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Transcriber’s Note:

Perceived printer errors have been changed.





End of Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous