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  Price 15 Cents

  [Illustration]

  A
  Topsy Turvy
  Christmas

  _GUPTILL_


  PAINE PUBLISHING CO.
  DAYTON, OHIO




New Entertainment Songs

By Edna Randolph Worrell.


These songs can be used in all manner of entertainments. The music is
easy, and both music and words are especially catchy. Children like
them. Everybody likes them. Sheet music. =Price 25 cents each. Five
copies, $1.00.=

=WE HOPE YOU’VE BROUGHT YOUR SMILES ALONG.= A welcome song that will
at once put the audience in a joyous frame of mind and create a happy
impression that will mean half the success of your entire program.
Words, bright and inspiring. Music, catchy.

=WE’LL NOW HAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.= This beautiful song has snap and go
that will appeal alike to visitors and singers. It is just the song to
send your audience home with happy memories of the occasion.

=WE’VE JUST ARRIVED FROM BASHFUL TOWN.= This song will bring memories
to the listeners of their own bashful school days. Words, unusually
clever. Music, decidedly melodious. A capital welcome song, or it may
be sung at any time on the program with assured success.

=MY OWN AMERICA, I LOVE THEE.= A song that will bring a thrill of
patriotism to the heart of every one who hears it. The children and
grown-ups just can’t resist the catchy music. It makes a capital
marching song.

=COME AND PARTAKE OF OUR WELCOME CAKE.= A merry welcome song and a
jolly one, too. The audience will be immediately curious about the
Welcome Cake, and the children will love to surprise the listeners with
the catchy words. Music, easy and tuneful.

=LULLABY LANE.= The music and words blend so beautifully that people
will be humming the appealing strains long after they hear this
charming song. A wonderfully effective closing song, whether sung by
the school or as a solo by a little girl, with a chorus of other little
girls with dolls.

=JOLLY PICKANINNIES.= Words by Elizabeth F. Guptill. Music by Edna R.
Worrell. This spicy coon song will bring down the house, especially if
you use the directions for the motions which accompany the music. The
black faces and shining eyes of the pickaninnies will guarantee a hit.
The words are great and the music just right.

=THE LITTLE BIRD’S SECRET.= Here is just the song for those two
little folks to sing together. They won’t have to be coaxed to sing
it, especially when they find that the whole school is to whistle the
chorus. This is a decided novelty, and will prove a rare treat to your
audience.

=A GARDEN ROMANCE.= This is a dainty little song telling of the romance
and wedding of Marigold and Sweet William. It is just the song for
dainty little girls to sing.

=COME TO THE NURSERY RHYME GARDEN AND PLAY.= Here is something
different for the little folks to sing. The Nursery Rhyme Folk are so
familiar to children, it will be no trick for them to remember the
words. The music has a most captivating swing.


  Paine Publishing Company - - Dayton, Ohio




  A TOPSY-TURVY
  CHRISTMAS

  _By_
  ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL

  _Author of “Christmas at Punkin Holler,”
  “Christmas at McCarthy’s,” Etc._

  PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY
  DAYTON, OHIO




CHARACTERS


  FRANK--A boy of twelve} The Earth children.
  ALICE--A girl of ten  }

  KNARF--A Topsy Turvy boy; really a boy of fourteen or fifteen.

  ECILA--His sister; a girl somewhat taller.

  DERF--Their little brother; the tallest boy obtainable.

  MOM--Their mother; a girl of nine or ten.

  DAD--Their father; a boy of seven or eight.

  MARG--Their grandmother; the smallest girl who can learn the part.

  THE SPANKETY MAN--A boy of ten or twelve.

  THE TEACHER--A boy of ten or twelve.

  CLANTY SAUCE--A very tall, thin boy.

  GOTHER MOOSE--A short, fat girl, of seven or eight.

  FAIRY--A tiny girl.

  GREENIES--Any number of small girls. Two will do, but four are better.

  A small boy to be in CLANTY SAUCE’S box is also needed.




  _Copyright, 1916, by
  Paine Publishing Company
  Dayton, Ohio_




COSTUMES AND PROPERTIES


FRANK and ALICE wear the usual school clothes of children of their ages.

MARG, the tiny Grandmother, has her hair powdered, parted in the
middle, and combed down over her ears. She wears a cap, and spectacles,
from which the lenses have been removed. Her dress is long, of gray
material, with white apron and kerchief, which may be on wrong side to.

MOM, the children’s mother, wears her hair high, her dress long. This
dress is preferably a wrapper or tea-gown worn “hind side before.” She
wears an apron, also, one of the round, tea aprons, either behind or
over one hip. She may have a lace collar, pinned behind.

DAD wears long trousers, with his socks pulled up outside, a swallow
tail coat, and vest, both “hind side before.”

ECILA wears a very short dress, white, or light colored, with a sash of
some other color, preferably red, tied in front. She may wear beads,
which hang down her back. If her hair is long, part it, comb each side
up to the top, and begin to braid there. Braid tightly, and loop it,
so loops will stand out and up pinning into place, if necessary. Tie
ribbons around base of loops. If her hair has the Dutch cut, bring the
top hair, which is left longer, as far as possible, and tie a ribbon
around it, so that it stands up in the front, just over the forehead,
being the bow. She has short socks.

KNARF wears short trousers--decidedly short--with frills at the bottom
of bright color. His blouse may be Russian or sailor, but must be on
“hind side before,” and have collar and cuffs of bright color. A suit
of green and white awning stripe, with bright pink trimmings, would be
very effective. Comb his hair in any peculiar way that that particular
boy’s hair can be coaxed to stay. His stockings are long, striped
around with bright blue.

DERF should have a wig, if at all possible, of long curls. Tie one
or two up on the side, with a blue ribbon. He has short socks, and
knickers of material to match his dress, that end above the knee. The
dress may be a kilted skirt and a sailor or middy blouse of white,
with blue trimmings. A sash, with tassels, passes round his waist, and
knots at one side. The big sailor collar should be in front, instead of
behind.

THE TEACHER wears a cap and gown, like those of graduates, wrong side
to. He may have glasses.

THE SPANKETY MAN is dressed in a dark red cambric garment, with
tight-fitting waist and trousers, in one. It is buttoned behind,
with large buttons. This suit has high neck, long, close sleeves, and
trousers that button closely round the ankles. He may wear a visor cap,
with the visor behind, or any hat or cap that can be made noticeable,
when improperly worn. He carries a bag with assorted “spankers.” These
may be two or three switches, a slipper, a hair-brush, a razor-strop,
a fly-killer, an egg-turner, a small fire-shovel, a shingle, and one
or two “spankers” with handles cut from shingles. He should choose one
with which to emphasize his song.

THE FAIRY wears a fluffy, full dress of white, pale pink, or blue, as
desired. It has a full waist, and a very full, short skirt. It may be
of crepe paper, mosquito netting, or of some sheer material. She should
have short wings, which may be made of a square of the goods, folded
into an oblong, and gathered along one side where two edges meet, then
fastened among the folds at the back of the waist. More gauzy wings may
be made of wired gauze or netting. She should have a silver wand, with
a star at the end, and a silver girdle. Her hair should be flowing,
with a silver band around it, and a star above her forehead. Her
stockings may be white, or may match the dress; the slippers should be
white or silver.

GOTHER MOOSE wears a long red skirt, a long black cape and a tall,
pointed hat of red, with a black band.

THE GREENIES, of whom there may be any number from two to six, are
dressed entirely in green, of course. They wear green stockings, green
pointed shoes, made from cloth, full, short bloomers, and a long, loose
blouse, belted in. They have tall, pointed caps, at the peak of which
is sewed a bell, the peak being bent down, to hang at one side. Any
shade of green will do, but the whole costume should be in the same
shade. If the green stockings are not easily had, color white ones.
Each carries a long green ribbon, strung with tiny bells.

CLANTY SAUCE should be the tallest, thinnest boy obtainable, dressed in
some striped material, the stripes, running up and down. The trousers
are close-fitting, and reach the ankle. The tunic reaches a little
below the waist, and is belted in, high under the arms. He wears a tall
hat, very tall and small around, covered with the striped material.


SETTING.

There should be an inner curtain which shuts off most of the stage. At
the beginning of Scene I, this curtain is down. If this inner curtain
can have on it any common outdoor scene, so much the better. The first
part of the play is enacted before this inner curtain. When the curtain
rises, which it should do as swiftly and silently as possible, it
discloses Topsy Turvy Land--an outdoor scene. Small trees should be
placed at the back. Plant the top branches--the ones in the center,
firmly in pots or pails of earth, and have stems and roots upward.
Fasten odd-looking fruits upon the branches, by means of fine wire, so
that they “hang upward” instead of downward. A gate and fence may be
in the background, if desired. These may be made of very light strips
of wood, or of cardboard. Have the gateposts square at the top, with
ornamental balls, or other shapes, at the bottom. From these, to the
sides, fasten two horizontal pieces, one very near the top, the other
farther down. Fasten the pickets to these, pointing downward with a
good space between them and the bottom. A few cardboard birds, like
those the children make and color in the first grade and kindergarten,
should be fastened, so that they seem to be perching on the under sides
of the branches of the trees. A garden bench or two may be behind the
fence, wrong side up. Have one near the front, on one side, so all the
characters need not stand, all the time; but whenever Frank or Alice
sit down, they turn it up properly, while when the others sit, they
turn it back. Let this happen occasionally, through first scene. For
Scene II, both curtains are up, but be careful to have all the setting
where it will be hidden by the inner curtain when it falls, near the
end of the play.

This scene, which is a room in the house occupied by Alice and Frank,
should have a small table, and several chairs, all upside down. Two or
three pictures hang upside down on the walls. There may be a shelf,
with everything topsy turvy. A rug, rolled up, is on the floor, near
one side, and is used as a seat by Marg and Mom. If there is room,
have a tiny stand in one corner--the kind of stand that has a lower
shelf. This must be wrong side up, and on the shelf may be topsy turvy
ornament, jardiniere, or lamp. Leave room for Clanty Sauce’s box, near
the center. The last part of the play is enacted with the inner curtain
down, as in the first part.

Clanty’s box is large enough to hold a small boy, and all the gifts
enumerated. It should be on casters, so the Greenies can pull it in. In
it is a small boy. He is neither seen nor heard, but he must be able to
pass out the correct presents quickly.




SCENE I. A TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS.


SCENE I.

(_Enter Alice, angrily, runs across front of stage, clenches fists,
stamps--in short, has a real temper fit, and ends by throwing herself
down, and screaming noisily. Enter Frank, sulkily. He goes slowly and
sullenly to where Alice is crying, then stops, looking sullenly down at
her._)

FRANK--What’s the matter, Alice?

ALICE--I’m mad.

FRANK--So I see. What about?

ALICE--(_looking up_) What are you mad about, yourself? You look like a
thunder cloud.

FRANK--I’m not mad.

ALICE--Yes, you are, too. I know. (_gets up_) What is the matter, truly?

FRANK--(_crossly_) Nothing, I tell you. What were you screeching so for?

ALICE--’Cause I was mad, I tell you.

FRANK--What for?

ALICE--Say, I’ll tell you what I was mad at, if you will, too. Will you?

FRANK--_Perhaps_--well, yes, I suppose I could. You first, though.

ALICE--No, you.

FRANK--Ladies first, always.

ALICE--There, that’s it, exactly. That “always.” Why should a thing
always be just the same? You must always say “ladies first,” and
both of us must offer each other the biggest piece, when we want it
ourselves, and always mind what the grown-ups say, and shut the door,
and a whole lot of nonsense. Why shouldn’t the grown-ups mind us part
of the time?

FRANK--Is that what you are mad at?

ALICE--Yes, it is. My mother thinks I ought to mind everything she
says, and never talk back, and when I said I was going over to Kitty’s
she said I couldn’t, and when I--argued a little about it, she said I
was saucy, and spanked me. I wish I could find a place where mothers
had to mind their children a while, and see how they like it.

FRANK--So do I. My teacher kept me after school because I couldn’t
answer every question in my geography lesson. Why don’t she answer some
of them? We scholars have to do all the work, and the teacher just
listens and watches for something to find fault with, all the time.

ALICE--I know. Why don’t they let us ask the questions? It would be
much the best way, I’m sure. And rules. I’m so sick of rules. You
mustn’t do this and you mustn’t do that, and if you do, some one will
punish you. I’d like to live where there weren’t any rules at all, and
where children were the biggest for a spell. Wouldn’t I teach them a
thing or two?

FRANK--There isn’t any such place, I’m afraid. I never learned about it
in my geography.

ALICE--You’ve never been way through it yet. Perhaps there is, now.
Let’s hunt for it.

FRANK--All right, let’s. (_They sit down on floor, and open geography,
turning the leaves slowly._)

ALICE--Oh dear. I can’t read half fast enough. It would take most a
year to read all that, and two more years to study all the maps. Let’s
go ask one of the High School boys or girls. They’ve learned it all.

FRANK--No, let’s don’t. They’d only laugh at us. The big ones always
do. Let’s go look for it ourselves. We’ll have adventures on the way,
most likely, and it will be great sport.

ALICE--All right, let’s. Shall we start now?

FRANK--Sure. Shall I go this way and you that, like Red Riding Hood and
the wolf, or shall we go together?

ALICE--Oh, together. I’d be afraid to go alone, I’m sure. Hark! What
was that? (_A little tinkle is heard._)

FRANK--Sounded like a very little bit of a bell.

ALICE--Listen, and see if it comes again. (_The tinkle grows louder,
and the fairy trips lightly on stage._)

ALICE AND FRANK TOGETHER--Oh!

FAIRY--I’m the Fairy Tinkle Bell, of Everywhere. I heard two little
children wishing for a new land, and I’ve come to show them the way.

ALICE--Oh goody, goody. Won’t I have to mind there?

FAIRY--No.

FRANK--And are things different than they are here?

FAIRY--Yes, indeed.

ALICE--Then we’ll go. Take us now, good Fairy, do.

FRANK--How far is it?

FAIRY--So far that you never could find the way alone, but I can take
you there in one moment. You have only to do as I say.

BOTH CHILDREN--Oh, we will, we will.

FAIRY--Then take hold of hands, close your eyes, and go round three
times, saying “Topsy Turvy” three times, slowly. Then say “Here we are”
and open your eyes. That is all.

(_Children do so. Fairy waves wand, and curtain rises as she flits out.
Children open eyes._)

FRANK--(_who is facing audience_) What next? Why, where is she?

ALICE--Why, why, everything is different. It’s not the same place at
all. Where are we?

(_Knarf and Ecila run in._)

KNARF--You’re in Topsy Turvy land, of course.

ECILA--Isn’t that where you wanted to be?

DERF--(_running in_) ’Cause you’re here, whether you want to be or not.

FRANK--So I see. Well, perhaps it is where we wanted to be. At any
rate, Fairy Tinkle Bell brought us here, when we were trying to find a
place in the geography.

ECILA--I never heard of that place.

FRANK--I never named any place. How do you know you never heard of it?

ECILA--Why, yes you did, too. You told the country you were journeying
in, to find some town. I heard you.

FRANK--I did not.

KNARF--Yes, you did. You said you were looking there for this place you
wanted.

ALICE--Oh, in the geography. A geography isn’t a place. It’s a book
about places.

DERF--What’s a book?

FRANK--A book? Gee! Don’t you have books here?

ECILA--His name isn’t Gee. It’s Derf.

ALICE--That’s a queer name. What’s yours?

ECILA--It’s Ecila. What’s yours?

ALICE--Mine is Alice. And what’s his name? (_looks toward Knarf._)

ECILA--It’s Knarf.

FRANK--Oh, Frank. Same as mine.

KNARF--No, not same as yours. It’s not Frank at all. It’s Knarf.

FRANK--How do you spell it?

KNARF--Spell it? I don’t know what you mean.

FRANK--Well, write it. Here. (_Takes small pad of paper and pencil from
pocket._)

KNARF--(_taking them_) What are they for.

FRANK--To write with, of course. This way. (_Takes them, and writes._)
See. F--R--A--N--K. That’s Frank. That’s my name. Write yours.

KNARF--I can’t. I never heard of such a thing. Is Frank the name of
that thing now? And haven’t you any name left, at all?

FRANK--Well, of all the silly questions. Of course it’s my name just
the same. The name of that thing is paper. And if I spell it backward,
it’s Knarf, just like yours. I’ve done it for fun, lots of times.

ECILA--(_to Alice_) Can you separate yourself from your name, that way?

ALICE--Can I write it, you mean? Why, yes. (_does so._) See!
A--L--I--C--E, spells Alice.

ECILA--Could you do mine?

ALICE--Why, I guess so. Say it again.

ECILA--It’s Ecila.

ALICE--It ought to be E--S--I--L--A. Why, if I spell it with a C
instead of an S, it will be Alice backward. Guess this is Topsy Turvy
Land all right. What’s your name? (_to Derf._)

ECILA--It’s Derf. Do his on the white thing.

ALICE--(_writing_) D--E--R--F. Why, that’s Fred, backward. That’s my
little brother’s name.

ECILA--Yes, and that’s my little brother.

FRANK--Little brother! He’s a heap bigger than you are.

KNARF--No such thing. It will be a long time before he grows to my
size. He’s only three.

FRANK--Three. Three what, I wonder? He’s taller than my father.

ECILA--Your father must look funny. (_to Alice_) How old are you? I’m
ten.

ALICE--Why, so am I, but I’m not nearly so tall. And Frank is twelve.

ECILA--So is Knarf. But he’s bigger than I am, and your brother is
smaller than you.

FRANK--Well, either I’m dippy, or you are. You say everything topsy
turvy.

KNARF--Of course. This is Topsy Turvy Land. How big is your little
brother? As small as Derf?

FRANK--He’s three, and about so tall. (_measures._)

ECILA--So when you say small, or little, you mean big. And your father?
He’s not as little as Derf, you say. How little is he?

DERF--My Daddy’s big, real big. Big as that. (_measures._)

ALICE--He must be tiny. I’d like to see him.

KNARF--I’ll call him.

ALICE--Maybe he’s busy, or perhaps he wouldn’t like to be called just
to be looked at.

KNARF--Well, when my own father can’t come when he’s called, or
don’t want to be shown off to my friends, I’ll see about it. (_calls
commandingly._) Dad!

ALICE--Why, we say that, sometimes. Oh, I see, it’s the same both ways.

DAD--(_running in_) Did you call me, Knarf?

KNARF--Yes, I wanted to show you to these--children, they say they
are--just our ages.

DAD--(_staring_) Your ages? They’re awful big.

ECILA--(_sternly_) Take off your hat, at once, and stop staring. And
making personal remarks, too. That’s three points for Friday. (_holds
up three fingers._)

DAD--Oh, I forgot, Ecila. I beg your pardon. Please excuse me this time.

KNARF--No indeed. And before company, too.

DAD--But--

KNARF--Answering back, too. Be quiet, sir. That’s four for Friday.

DERF--He sweared, I fink, under his breff. I sawn his lips a-movin’.

KNARF--That’s six for Friday.

ECILA--Where’s Mom?

DAD--I don’t know. Dressing her doll, I think.

ECILA--(_calling_) Mom! Mom!

(_Mom comes running in, doll in hand._)

MOM--What is it? Oh! (_drops courtesy._) Happy to see you.

ECILA--You see, I have her well trained. Does your mother mind as quick?

ALICE--My mother? I have to mind her; she doesn’t mind me. But is she
really your mother?

ECILA--Of course. She wouldn’t mind anyone else as quick, would she?
(_Mom goes to Dad, who still looks down, sullenly._)

MOM--What’s the matter, dear?

KNARF--He’s in disgrace. Don’t talk to him. (_Mom gives him a
comforting pat._)

DERF--Her petted him, her did. One for Fiday.

ECILA--Come away, Mom, at once. (_Mom does so._) Show the company what
a pretty behaved mother is like, now. Sing for them.

Mom--(_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold.

ECILA--Nonsense! Stand up at once, and sing. Sing “Loora-laddy.”

(_Mom acts like a bashful little girl. Ecila shakes her, and she begins
to cry._)

FRANK--Don’t make her show off. I know how she feels, I hate it
awfully, myself, don’t you?

ECILA--Why, I don’t know. I never tried. I’m not big enough yet. (_to
Mom_) Come, sing! Sing up, now, at once. There’s a lot piling up for
Friday.

(_Mom sings between sobs, “Loora-laddy, loora-laddy” over and over, a
number of times. There should be no particular tune, and no attempt at
time. She should end in the middle of a syllable, on some note least
fitted for an end._)

KNARF--There! Next time do as you’re told. One for Friday for crying.
Now, Dad, you whistle.

DERF--Oh, Mom made a face, her did. One for Fiday.

(_Dad begins to whistle, loudly, but not tunefully. He should whistle
in jerks, and keep time with his hands, in some absurd way._)

FRANK--(_to Dad_) Are you their father, really?

DAD--Of course. You think I mind ’cause I like it, do you?

ECILA--(_to Alice_) Have you a Marg.

ALICE--A Marg. What’s that?

ECILA--Why, my Marg was Dad’s mother. Some children have two. Have you
any?

ALICE--Oh, I see! A grandmother! We do call ours Gram. She likes it.
You don’t make her mind, do you?

ECILA--Of course. (_calls._) Marg! Marg! Where in Topsy Turvydom is
she? Mom, go find her.

DERF--I’ll find her. (_goes out._)

KNARF--Do you mind your father, truly?

FRANK--Of course. I have to.

KNARF--Don’t you like to? Then what makes you?

FRANK--He does. No. I don’t always like to, but I like it better than I
should treating him that way.

KNARF--How funny. (_Derf comes in, pulling Marg behind him. She holds
back and struggles, but he pulls her along._)

DERF--Her was a playin’ blocks, and her wouldn’t come. Her’s a naughty,
naughty Marg. Two, fee, for Fiday.

ECILA--Naughty Marg! She must come when Ecila calls her. Come here.
(_Marg hangs back, and Ecila picks her up, shakes her a bit, then puts
her down. Marg sinks down in a heap, crying loudly._)

DERF--Dere’ll be a lot of fees for Fiday, if her don’t stop ’at noise.

(_Marg cries harder. Knarf sidles up, and surreptitiously passes her a
piece of candy. She stops crying at once. Ecila spies candy._)

ECILA--Now Knarf, you shouldn’t spoil her that way! (_to Marg_) Only
good Margs ought to have candy. Naughty Margs don’t deserve any.

MARG--I’d give you some, Girl, but it’s all gone. Are you cross to your
Marg? Do you always make her mind quick?

FRANK--Of course not. Our dear Gram does as she pleases, and we all try
to please her.

MARG--Why, how nice! Is she as tall as I am?

ECILA--She’s as tall as Knarf.

MARG--And a Marg! How very strange!

KNARF--Don’t talk so much, Marg. Grown-ups should be seen and not
heard.

DERF--It’s Fiday, it’s Fiday. Here comes the Spankety Man! (_Dad and
Mom look wildly around. Marg hides behind Alice._)

FRANK--It isn’t Friday, either. It’s Wednesday.

DERF--’Tis Fiday. Spankety Man’s a-coming.

ALICE--But it was Wednesday a few minutes ago, and we haven’t been to
bed yet.

ECILA--What’s that got to do with it?

ALICE--Why, it’s got to be night before it’s another day, hasn’t it?

ECILA--Not in Topsy Turvy Land. What a strange country you must live
in! Here we jumble our days up more. We don’t go by rules; we hate
them. We have a lot of days together, and then, when we get sleepy
enough, we have a few nights.

FRANK--But Thursday has to come before Friday, doesn’t it?

KNARF--Why should it have to? Things don’t go by rule here. And it is
Friday, for here comes the Spankety Man.

(_Spankety Man enters, sets down bag, and takes out an assortment of
spankers, which he lays out on the floor._)

SPANKETY MAN--(_to Frank_) Good Friday, Sir. I believe we haven’t met
before. Any parents or grand-parents?

FRANK--Yes.

SPANKETY MAN--Spanking done every Friday. One spank for each point.
Settlement every New Year’s Day, at so much a hundred. Discount for
specially naughty ones. Want to open an account?

FRANK--No.

ALICE--We wouldn’t want Papa and Mamma spanked; nor Gram, either. The
idea!

SPANKETY MAN--You’ll spoil’em, Ma’am, spoil’em. Better patronize me.
It’s necessary, I assure you.

ALICE--No, indeed.

DERF--Tum, sing your song, and get to work. Marg’s awful bad.

SPANKETY MAN (_sings_) Tune: “Michael Roy.” (_He beats time, and
otherwise emphasizes his song, with one of his spankers._)

    Oh, every Friday in there stalks
    The Spankety, Spankety Man.
    To every single house he walks,
    The Spankety, Spankety Man.
    He carries his bag where’er he goes,
    A-dangling from his hand.
    It holds every kind of spanker known
    In Topsy Turvy Land.

Chorus.

    For oh, sing ho!
    For the Spankety, Spankety Man!
    Bring out your naughty Dads and Moms,
    To the Spankety, Spankety Man.
    He lives far away by the crimson sea,
    The Spankety, Spankety Man.
    In a little red house by a whip-whop tree,
    The Spankety, Spankety Man.
    He gathers the whips and dries them well,
    With all the sting left in.
    And the spankers, too, that grow on the hill,
    Are gathered and dried by him.

ALICE--I think you’re horrid!

SPANKETY MAN--Ma’am?

ALICE--I said I think you’re horrid.

SPANKETY MAN--I only do my duty, Ma’am, and earn an honest living. You
wouldn’t want to have to do all your own spanking, would you?

ALICE--I don’t believe in spanking, at all.

SPANKETY MAN--Oh, if you’re an unbeliever, it’s no use to argue, but
“Spare the spanks and spoil the Dads” is a true maxim, just the same.
Well, we’ll begin with Marg, as usual. How many points? And which
spanker?

(_Ecila takes a watch from her pocket, and Derf picks out a spanker._)

DERF--Dis one.

ECILA--Seventy-two, I’m sorry to say. Come, Marg. Why, where is she?

ALICE--You shan’t spank that dear little grandmother. The idea!

SPANKETY MAN--Business is business, Ma’am. Please step aside.

ALICE--I shan’t. You shan’t touch her.

FRANK--(_stepping to her side_) No indeed, you sha’nt. Let her alone.
(_All gather around them, and Dad and Mom seize the opportunity to
sneak off platform, encouraged by nods and gestures from Frank._)

SPANKETY MAN--Will you move aside?

ALICE--No.

SPANKETY MAN--Then it will have to be postponed till next Friday, for
here comes the Teacher.

FRANK--I’m glad of it. She’ll make you behave.

KNARF--No, she won’t. _She’s_ a _he_, and _we_ make _him_ behave. (_to
Spankety Man_) Get your ruler ready.

ALICE--(_to Marg_) Do you know your lessons?

MARG--I don’t have to. I don’t have to ask the questions, nor answer
them. The children ask them and the Teacher answers them. If he misses,
he’s punished.

FRANK--Just as I’ve always wished it might be. I’ll ask the first one.

KNARF--You may. You’re company. (_Enter Teacher, looking worried._)

KNARF--Begin. Ask him one.

FRANK--What’s the capital of Massachusetts?

(_Teacher stares at him in astonishment._)

SPANKETY MAN---Oh, I say, that isn’t fair. You must ask questions that
mean something.

FRANK--Why, I did.

TEACHER--Then two of the words were in a foreign language. I’m the
Common Teacher. Foreign languages come in High.

FRANK--Well, I had to learn it, and a lot more like it.

ECILA--You ask one. Ask a fair one.

ALICE--How much are two and two?

TEACHER--Twenty-two.

KNARF--Right. Where did these children come from?

TEACHER--From--from--from the farthest dominions of Topsy Turvy Land, I
should say.

KNARF--(_to Frank_) Is that right?

FRANK--Why, no. We came from--(_Give name of town and State where play
is being given._)

TEACHER--There’s no such place.

FRANK--There is, too. It’s in the United States of America.

TEACHER--There’s no such place as that, either.

ALICE--Why, everyone knows the United States, all over the earth.

SPANKETY MAN--Did you come from the earth?

FRANK--Of course. Did you think we came from Mars?

TEACHER--No, for this is Mars. But it isn’t fair to ask me questions
about the Earth. All our most learned men have been able to discover
about the earth is that it is a very slow-moving, dull star which
turns on itself once every month or two, and takes about a century to
get around the sun. The winters are so long and cold that no life is
possible. It is supposed to be a worn out planet.

FRANK--The idea! It’s every bit wrong.

ECILA--Keep points, Mr. Spankety Man. (_to Teacher_) How did they get
here?

TEACHER--I don’t know.

DERF--Him don’t know. Dat’s five points, or fee, which is it? It’s my
turn. What’s the biggest nanimal in Topsy Turvy Land?

TEACHER--The Wincheopactylus. He is very large and fierce, and lives on
new inhabitants, whom he eats raw. His voice is a high trill, and he
gives warning of his presence--

KNARF--He certainly does. There’s one coming now. Run, everybody, run!

(_All run out, in confusion, with screams and cries, dragging Frank
and Alice with them. If a tiny dog, or large cat, can be made to walk
across the stage after them, it will add to the climax of the scene._)

CURTAIN.


SCENE II.

(_Room in home of Frank and Alice in Topsy Turvy Land_,)

(_Enter Frank and Alice._)

ALICE--There! Just look at this room! I pick up and pick up, and the
minute I go out, when I come back it’s all to do over again. I never
was so sick of anything in all my life, as I am of this Topsy Turvy
Land!

FRANK--(_placing chair correctly, and sitting down_) I wish I could get
hold of that Fairy for a few minutes, that’s what!

ALICE--(_also sitting down_) What could you do with a fairy, I’d
like to know? She’d do something to you before you could say “Jack
Robinson.” (_She looks up, crossly, as Knarf enters and seats himself
on a chair, just as it is._) I do wish, Knarf, you’d learn to knock!

KNARF--And I do wish, Alice, that you’d remember that our music teacher
has told us over and over, never to knock, even if you do request it,
since it is a bad breach of good manners to do so.

ECILA--(_entering and seating herself_) Don’t you like company, really,
Alice?

ALICE--Why, I like you, Ecila, as well, or better, than anything else
in this awful place. But--(_begins to cry_) Oh, I’m so homesick, and so
tired of everything being topsy turvy! If I could go home, I’d never
complain about minding again, or rules, either!

KNARF--Well, of course it is too bad that you haven’t any grown-ups to
make mind.

ALICE--I don’t want to make anyone mind. I want my own dear mother and
father and grandma, too. I’d be glad to mind them, if I could only get
a chance.

ECILA--If you could only find the Fairy who brought you here--

FRANK--Well, we can’t. We’ve hunted and hunted, but we never seem to
get anywhere when we start out.

KNARF--Of course not. All roads lead to nowhere in Topsy Turvy Land.
Did yours lead somewhere?

FRANK--Of course they did. And our teachers knew something. They made
you study and learn your lessons, instead of calling you a hopeless
little blockhead because you didn’t ask them a lot of foolish questions
about nothing in particular.

ALICE--And that music teacher is just the limit. Manners, indeed! The
things he calls manners are the most impolite things imaginable. And
dancing! To walk slowly here and there, and sit down every so many
steps isn’t dancing!

KNARF--What is it, then?

FRANK--Tomfoolery. And what he calls whistling is nothing more than
buzzing! Music teacher! He doesn’t teach a bit of music!

KNARF--Why, manners and dancing and whistling are music.

ALICE--They are not! The only thing the least bit like music that I’ve
heard since I came here is that measly little song the Spankety Man
sings every Friday.

ECILA--That isn’t music! That queer noise he makes! And all the Moms
know loora-laddy. I should think you’d call that music.

ALICE--Well, I don’t. And I don’t even know what time of year it is.
Your days and nights are so mixed up that one can’t keep track of them
at all. We shan’t even know when the Christmas holidays come.

KNARF--Yes, you will, for they’re here now, just as soon as Gother
Moose gets here.

DERF--(_entering and seating himself in the overturned table_) Gother
Moose is a-coming, now.

ALICE--Mother Goose, I bet it is. Is she real?

DERF--’Course her is!

ECILA--Why shouldn’t she be?

ALICE--Why, our Mother Goose is just a book of rhymes and jingles--sort
of stories, you know.

DERF--Dat’s what Gother Moose does--tells stories. Here her comes.

GOTHER MOOSE--(_entering_) Well, well, whom have we here?

DERF--Erf chilluns.

GOTHER MOOSE--Earth children! I’m afraid they belong under the
jurisdiction of my sin twister, who tells her stories in a queer, jerky
sort of fashion. Call in the others, and I’ll be about my task, for
I must journey on to make the Christmas holidays begin in the other
places. I’m late, as it is. (_Dad, Mom, and Marg run in, and seat
themselves, all using the furniture as it is. Gother Moose remains
standing._)

GOTHER MOOSE--What shall I tell you this time?

DERF--Hackey Jorner.

GOTHER MOOSE--Hackey Jorner was a very little boy, no bigger than
Derf. One time he sat down in the middle of the room, where the sides
came together, and put his foot into the oven, which was very cold. He
pulled out a very small pie, all piping hot, and held it neatly on his
knuckles. Then with his fingers on the other hand, he began to eat it.
He took a bite, then he took another, then he took another, then he
took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took
another, then he took another, then--

FRANK--Oh, go on! Never mind so many bites.

GOTHER MOOSE--But he has only had eight bites. That would be too large
a pie, and this was a small one. So he took another bite, and then
he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another,
and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took
another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then
he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another,
and then--what do you think?

FRANK--Oh, he took another, probably.

ALICE--No, he found a plum.

GOTHER MOOSE--A plum? What a queer word! No he found no plum, he
found--that he couldn’t take another, because his pie was gone.

DERF--Tell anodder. Dat was a fine one. Wasn’t it, Alice?

FRANK--Very nice indeed--quite all of a sameness.

GOTHER MOOSE--Ecila may choose this time.

ECILA--Little Po Beeb.

GOTHER MOOSE--Little Po Beeb had one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, woolly cats. One night Po Beeb
did not go to sleep at all, but sat up watching her woolly cats, and as
she watched, they trotted off, down the hill to the very top, then out
of sight, and--

ALICE--She couldn’t tell where to find them.

GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly she could. They were just under the top of the
hill, behind a very small tree. Po Beeb and the Spankety Man walked
after them, and they all came right back. They had gone for a drink of
water.

ALICE--So they all came home, wagging their tails behind them.

GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly not. They did not come home, they went home,
and they had no tails at all. Cats never have any tails. And no animal
in Topsy-Turvy Land, except the terrible Wincheopactylus, ever wears
its tail behind it. It always dangles gracefully forward over the left
shoulder. But I must hurry on, to tell the Christmas stories to other
Topsy Turvy children. Badgye. Watch for Clanty Sauce.

KNARF AND ECILA--We will.

DERF--Yes, us will.

ALICE--Clanty Sauce! Oh, Frank, perhaps he’s our own dear Santa Claus,
and will take us home.

FRANK--You can’t catch Santa Claus. Haven’t we tried, lots of times and
did we catch even a glimpse of him?

ECILA--What a shame! So you never got any presents?

ALICE--Of course we did. But--(_start as Greenies come tumbling in_)
what are these?

DERF--The Greenies! The Greenies!

GREENIES--

    The Greenies are we. As sly as can be,
    We creep to your window, at night, you see.
    And whisper low, as the still winds blow,
    “Watch for Old Clanty Sauce, don’t let him go!”

(_Shout out the fourth line as loudly as possible._)

FRANK--That’s what you’d call whispering. What would a shout be like, I
wonder?

GREENIES--

    The Greenies are we. As loud as can be,
    We call to the children to look and see.
    And loudly shout, as we scamper out,

(_Seat themselves on floor, and whisper last line._)

    “Watch for old Clanty Sauce. He’s round about.”

(_Greenies rise and begin to tiptoe about, peering in every nook and
corner, and just as intently into the air, or the middle of the floor._)

ALICE--Well, I shan’t watch for him. He doesn’t like it.

GREENIES--Then you won’t get no presents, nor nothing, not never.

FRANK--What grammar.

ALICE--It’s Topsy Turvy language, I suppose. But how about the presents?

ECILA--Why--(_turns to Marg, who has been sitting demurely, without a
word, since entering, as have Dad and Mom._) Marg, you are the biggest.
You tell the little girl about the presents.

MARG--Why, old Clanty Sauce always brings a whole lot of them.

FRANK--Sure. On his back.

MARG--Why, no. In a big box in his arms. And if you see him, he’ll give
you some.

DERF--And if you don’t see him, you won’t det none, not nany tall.

GREENIES--

    Watch for old Clanty. He lives in a shanty
    Way down in the hot, hot north.
    The Greenies come tumbling and rolling and rumbling,
    To tell when old Clanty comes forth.

(_They begin to roll and tumble. While the children watch them, Frank
takes his paper out, and begins to write._)

KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?

FRANK--Writing him a letter, to tell him what I want.

KNARF--Well, you just stop it.

FRANK--Why?

KNARF--Last place, because he couldn’t make tail nor head of it any way.

DERF--Next pace, ’cause taint no good manners to tell what you want.

ECILA--First place, ’cause he always knows what you want, anyway, and
brings the nicest things you can think of.

ALICE--Oh, it must be our own dear Santa. Perhaps we really will see
him. (_Clanty, who has peeped in, and quickly drawn back._) Perhaps
not. (_Marg has slowly drawn near door, and been watching closely. When
Clanty draws back, she has him by the leg, and pulls him in._)

MARG--Perhaps we will.

(_Rest of Topsy Turvy folks._)

    See! We see! Old Clanty’s caught!
    He’ll give us presents, as he ought.

(_Clanty tries to break away, but they surround him._)

CLANTY--(_to Greenies_) Step out and fetch the box. (_They run out, and
return, dragging a large box._)

ALICE--Oh, it isn’t our Santa at all!

CLANTY--

    Not Santa, but Clanty, who lives in a shanty,
    And makes pretty presents for all.
    He’ll find in the box, who loud on it knocks,
    There’s something for great and for small.

ECILA--Have you something for earth children too, Clanty dear?

CLANTY--

    There’s something to please all, within. Never fear.
    Come, Marg, you’re the biggest, so you first shall knock,
    And open the box without hinges or lock.

(_Marg steps up, courtesies low to Clanty, and knocks three times on
box, repeating._)

MARG--Open box, shut box. This is Marg who loudly knocks.

(_Box opens and boy within, hidden from audience by raised cover, hands
Marg a baby doll, which should be dressed backward, a rattle, a box of
blocks, an orange, and a bag of candy, then closes box._)

MARG--(_courtesying again_) You’re welcome Clanty Sauce.

(_She sits down on floor, in centre, so others have to step around her,
and begins building houses with her blocks, hugging her dolly, upside
down, and eating candy, at the same time._)

CLANTY--

    Mom is next to open the box.
    See what she gets when she knocks.

(_Mom steps up, courtesies, knocks three times, and repeats couplet.
Boy hands her a teaset, an orange, a bag of candy, and a sled._)

MOM--(_courtesying_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.

(_She sits down on sled and begins to set a table on it, placing every
thing topsy turvy, of course. Then she begins to bite her orange,
setting pieces of candy as best she may on the dishes, and keeping an
eye out towards Dad._)

CLANTY--

    Dad’s gifts from the box come next,
    If he can plainly say the text.

(_Dad bows low, knocks, repeats couplet, and gets one skate, a small
bag of stones, an orange, and candy._)

DAD--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.

(_Dad sits down near Frank, and begins to try on skate, wrong side up,
and hind side before._)

FRANK--That’s not the way.

DAD--(_beginning to stuff his candy_) Hush, you mustn’t talk! (_Frank
looks indignant, but stops._)

CLANTY--

    Derf next in the box may see
    At his gifts he’ll howl with glee.

(_Derf repeats bow, knock, and formula, and receives a very large
slipper, a pipe, an orange, and candy._)

DERF--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce. (_gives a shout._) Dese
are dandy presents.

FRANK--(_aside_) I should think so! Hope mine won’t be like them.

(_Derf sits down, puts both feet into one slipper, puts pipe in mouth
so bowl points downward, and occasionally pops in a piece of candy
without removing pipe from mouth._)

CLANTY--

    Next comes Ecila so dear.
    She’ll find something nice, ’tis clear.
    And Knarf may try his luck, also.
    He’ll find something nice, I know.

(_They advance together, go through formula, and receive presents.
Knarf gets a handkerchief and a necktie, and Ecila a pincushion and
a pair of scissors. Both receive oranges and candy. They repeat
together “You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce,” then go back to places. Ecila
puts scissors into her hair, for an ornament, and sits down on the
pincushion, beginning to eat her orange. Knarf ties the necktie on his
ankle, knots the handkerchief into a cap, and munches his candy._)

CLANTY--

    Now, Earth children, knock on the box. No fear
    But there’ll be something you like, in here.

(_Frank and Alice repeat the formula. Alice gets an engine and an
air-gun, and Frank a doll and a wide pink ribbon. Both get the
inevitable orange and candy._)

BOTH--Thank you, Santa Claus. But we may exchange presents, mayn’t we?

CLANTY--

    No change is allowed. If to change two should dare,
    Their presents would melt away into thin air.
    Come, Greenies, the box drag out, I must away,
    When my gifts are all given, no longer I stay.

(_Greenies drag out box. Clanty follows._)

ALL--(_save Frank and Alice_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce, you’re
welcome!

(_Frank and Alice stand gazing at their presents._)

ECILA--Why don’t you eat your orange?

KNARF--And the candy’s great. It’s sweet as can be!

(_Both pop a piece of candy into their mouths, but quickly take it
out._)

ALICE--It’s awful sour!

FRANK--Sourer than a lemon.

KNARF--Sweeter than a lemon, you mean. Don’t you know sweet from sour?

ALICE--Is it all what you call sweet?

DERF--’Course. Candy’s always sweet. Don’t you like it, Girl?

ALICE--No, I don’t. You may have the whole bagful.

KNARF--Give me yours, old chap, if you don’t like it.

FRANK--No, Marg may have mine. She’s little.

KNARF--I should think she was!

ECILA--Try the orange. Perhaps you’ll like that better.

ALICE--(_suspiciously regarding hers_) Is that sweet, too?

ECILA--No.

FRANK--Is it sour?

ECILA--Why, no. It’s--just orangy tasting.

(_The children taste theirs, gingerly, then Frank throws his, and Derf
scrambles to get it._)

FRANK--(_indignantly_) Do you call pepper orangy tasting?

KNARF--Aren’t they like yours?

ALICE--Why, no. They’re hot with pepper.

ECILA--I don’t know what pepper is, but oranges here always taste like
that. They’re good, I think.

ALICE--Then you may have mine (_passes it._) Oh, Frank, don’t swing her
by one leg, like that!

FRANK--(_holding doll out and looking at it._) Well, what do I want of
the thing? And if we can’t swap--

ALICE--We can play with each other’s things. (_holds out hand for
doll._)

ECILA--(_catching her hand back_) You mustn’t. No one can touch
another’s Christmas presents. If they do, they’ll get caught by the
Wincheopactylus, and eaten for his Christmas dinner.

FRANK--Well, of all the mean Christmases! That gun and engine are
dandy, if only I had ’em, though! (_Looks at Knarf, who is counting
over his stones._) What are those good for?

KNARF--Why, they’re kites.

FRANK--Kites. We call ’em rocks, or stones. You can’t fly them, I know.

KNARF--Oh yes, I can. You know that tall place you called a well?
They’ll fly clear to the top of that, if I drop ’em.

FRANK--(_indignantly, looking at Dad_) And see that one skate! Where’s
the mate to it?

DAD--It doesn’t need a mate. You only skate on one foot at a time, you
know.

FRANK--I should think you’d look pretty, balancing on one skate on the
ice.

ALL--Why, we don’t skate on _ice!_

ALICE--(_beginning to cry_) Oh, I want to go home. I want to go home!
It’s a dreadful Christmas! Oh, I’d be so good if I could only go home!

FRANK--So would I. No more grumbling for this young chap.

FAIRY--(_dancing in_) So you’ve come to your senses?

FRANK--Yes, indeed we have, dear Fairy. If you’ll only take us home,
we’ll mind our teachers and parents, and be willing to keep rules, and
learn lessons.

FAIRY--You will? And you, Alice?

ALICE--Oh, take us home, dear Fairy, do! I’ll be so good, if you will.

FAIRY--And you’ll remember the lessons you’ve learned?

BOTH--We will. We couldn’t help it. (_Fairy has flitted to front. They
have followed, leaving all the others where curtain will hide them when
it falls._)

FAIRY--Then close your eyes, take hold of hands, and turn around three
times, saying, “Home again, home again, never to return again,” then
open your eyes, and you’ll see what you’ll see.

(_As they do so, inner curtain falls, and she flits out. As they open
their eyes, she calls back, “Remember.”_)

ALICE--Oh we are, we are, back again! There’s the schoolhouse!

FRANK--And I’m glad to see it. Think of that! What a dreadful place
Topsy Turvy Land was!

ALICE--I’m sure we’ll remember our promise. Only think if we had to go
back again!

FRANK--There’s just one thing I wish I’d seen--that awful wild beast of
theirs.

ALICE--It might have eaten you up. I’m glad we didn’t see it. No more
Topsy Turvy things for me. I think it was all dreadful.

FRANK--And the worst of all was that Topsy Turvy Christmas!

ALICE--Let’s run home and find out if Christmas has really come here.

FRANK--Let’s hope it hasn’t.

BOTH--But no Christmas at all would be better than a Topsy Turvy
Christmas! (_Both run out, hand in hand._)


CURTAIN.




Christmas Entertainments


=CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER.= A new Christmas play by Elizabeth F.
Guptill that abounds in clean, wholesome fun from beginning to end. It
depicts the trials of the teacher of an old-fashioned “deestric school”
in conducting the last rehearsal for the Christmas Entertainment. Some
of the pupils are in “custom,” as big Jake puts it, and “Sandy Claus”
is there. The children go through their parts with gusto and more or
less success. May be given in any schoolroom by any number. Easy to
produce. Costumes simple. Children and grown-ups will be delighted with
CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. Price, 15 cents.

=A TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS.= Another new Christmas play by Elizabeth F.
Guptill. It is decidedly humorous from start to finish. The characters
are strong and at every turn of the play there is a happy surprise for
the audience. The children are tired of “minding,” and everything being
“just so,” so they start to find a place where they will find things
different. They find it in Topsy Turvy Land, where they have strange
experiences. When at last they have a Topsy Turvy Christmas, they are
ready to go home and be satisfied with things just as they are. May
be given in any school-room by any number of children not less than
fifteen. In two short scenes. This clever play will prove a sure
winner wherever produced. Price, 15 cents.

=CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S.= Elizabeth F. Guptill. Here is a new
Christmas play for the older children and as many young children as
are available. It combines in a marked degree the gentlest pathos and
the most sparkling humor. Several nationalities are represented in the
tenement and there is opportunity for the introduction of specialties
if desired. Circumstances cause Elsie, the tenement orphan, to believe
Jimmy, the newsboy, will buy her a Christmas present, and it seems
it is up to Jimmy to do it. Christmas is an unknown quantity at the
tenement, but all agree that Elsie must not be disappointed, and plan
to have one somehow. The entertainment is given by the “inhabitints
thimsilves,” at McCarthy’s. In the midst of the fun, Elsie’s lost
father walks in, and the finale is a general rejoicing. Price, 25c.

=CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES.= By Cecil J. Richmond. A book full of the
choicest new and original dialogues for Christmas, parts for both boys
and girls being well provided for. Some are for the little folks, in
rhyme; some are for intermediate grades, and others for older children.
Every dialogue in this book is decidedly to the point and easy to
prepare. They will delight young and old alike. Contents: Is There
a Santa Claus? 2 small children, Santa Claus and chorus; Herbert’s
Discovery, 2 boys; The Christmas Dinner, 2 little girls, 1 larger girl
and 2 boys; Playing Santa Claus, 1 small and 2 larger boys; A Double
Christmas Gift, 2 small girls, 2 larger girls, and 3 boys. Price, 15
cents.

=EVERGREEN AND HOLLY--SONG AND DRILL.= By Elizabeth F. Guptill. A drill
for any even number of boys and girls, or all girls. The girls carry
garlands of evergreen while the boys carry wreaths of the same. After a
spectacular drill and fancy march they all sing a beautiful Christmas
song, which accompanies the drill. Following the song they wind a
spiral to the center of the stage, unwind same and march off. Complete
instructions are given. It is the best Christmas drill ever published;
easy to produce and decidedly novel. Price, 15 cents.

=PEARL’S CHRISTMAS.= Original, pleasing and interesting Christmas
dialogue with an excellent moral, for 3 boys and 4 girls. Price, 5
cents; seven copies, 25 cents.

=SITTING UP FOR SANTA CLAUS.= A humorous dialogue for 6 girls, 5 boys,
and Santa Claus. If you expect to have a Christmas entertainment, you
surely want this. Single copy, 10 cents; or 10 copies, 60 cents.


Paine Publishing Company, Dayton, Ohio




Transcriber’s Note:

Spelling and punctuation have been retained as published, including the
use of “courtesy” for what today we would spell as “curtsey”, except as
follows:

  Page 4
    thinest boy obtainable _changed to_
    thinnest boy obtainable

  Page 6
    FRANK(_crossly_) Nothing _changed to_
    FRANK--(_crossly_) Nothing

    Why Shouldn’t the grown-ups _changed to_
    Why shouldn’t the grown-ups

  Page 9
    You’re father must look funny _changed to_
    Your father must look funny

    Big as that, _changed to_
    Big as that.

    Did you call me, Knarf.? _changed to_
    Did you call me, Knarf?

  Page 10
    Mom (_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold _changed to_
    Mom--(_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold

  Page 11
    begins to whistle, lowdly _changed to_
    begins to whistle, loudly

  Page 16
    He dosen’t teach a bit _changed to_
    He doesn’t teach a bit

    Moose is a coming _changed to_
    Moose is a-coming

    Course her is _changed to_
    ’Course her is

  Page 18
    He dosen’t like it. _changed to_
    He doesn’t like it.

  Page 19
    KNARF (_suspiciously_) What you doing? _changed to_
    KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?

  Page 20
    Yuur’e welcome Clanty _changed to_
    You’re welcome Clanty

  Page 22
    You musn’t. No one can _changed to_
    You mustn’t. No one can

    of all the mean Christmasses _changed to_
    of all the mean Christmases

  Page 24
    and the everything being _changed to_
    and everything being

    all sing a beautiful Chistmas _changed to_
    all sing a beautiful Christmas





End of Project Gutenberg's A Topsy-Turvy Christmas, by Elizabeth F. Guptill