Produced by Chuck Greif, MWS and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
produced from images generously made available by The
Internet Archive/American Libraries.)









BURGESS UNABRIDGED

[Illustration: WOWZE]




BURGESS UNABRIDGED

A New Dictionary
of Words you have always Needed


BY GELETT BURGESS

_Author of “Goops,” “Are You a Bromide?”
“The Maxims of Methuselah,” “The
Maxims of Noah,” &c._


With Cover Designs and Illustrations by
HERB ROTH


[Illustration]


NEW YORK
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY
PUBLISHERS

_Copyright, 1914, by_
GELETT BURGESS

[Illustration: _September, 1914_]




ILLUSTRATIONS


WOWZE

A conscientious tangoist inflated with her vanity
Attempting to excel a silly partner in inanity             _Frontispiece_

                                                                    PAGE

BRIPKIN

A person whose apparel by its conscious imitation lies
Respecting the society in which his limitation lies                    9

DIABOB

A complicated artifact devised in proof of amity
Producing to æstheticism visual calamity                              15

HUZZLECOO

A conversation intimate, intensific but amical
Surcharged with personalities outrageously dynamical                  37

JIRRIWIG

An unaffected traveler engrossed in Touristology,
A middle-western species of the Baedeker biology                      47

KIPE

Evaluating notice with impertinent serenity,
The envious propensity of feminine amenity                            53

QUOOB

An undress-suited being in an access of humility
Apologizing vainly for apparent incivility                            77

SPLOOCH

The acme of ineptitude whose quality unfortunate
Assails our sensibilities with agony importunate                      89

TASHIVATE

Indulgent inattention to a chatter of banality
Emotionally answered with a feeling of tonality                       93

WOG

A thinglet unpremeditated marring one’s consistency
Or dignity or pulchritude with devillish persistency                 109




INTRODUCTION


Yes, I have written a dictionary. Worcester and Webster are all right in
their way, and Stormuth will do very well for Englishmen--but they’re
not up to date. Mrs. Century’s book is a bit better and even old Dr.
Standard’s Compendium of Useful Information includes my own words,
“bromide” and “sulphite.” It’s good enough for last year, but “Burgess
Unabridged” will give the diction of the year 1915.

For, the fact is, English is a growing language, and we have to let out
the tucks so often, that no last season’s model will ever fit it.
English isn’t like French, which is corseted and gloved and clad and
shod and hatted strictly according to the rules of the Immortals. We
have no Academy, thank Heaven, to tell what is real English and what
isn’t. Our Grand Jury is that ubiquitous person, Usage, and we keep him
pretty busy at his job. He’s a Progressive and what he likes, he’ll
have, in spite of lexicographers, college professors and authors of “His
Complete Works.” That’s the reason why English has ousted Volapük and
Esperanto as a world language. It snuggles right down where you live and
makes itself at home.

How does English shape itself so comfortably to the body of our thought?
With a new wrinkle here and a little more breadth there, with fancy
trimmings, new styles, fresh materials and a genius for adapting itself
to all sorts of wear. Everybody is working at it, tailoring it, fitting
it, decorating it. There is no person so humble but that he can suggest
an improvement that may easily become the reigning mode.

Slang, I once defined as “The illegitimate sister of Poetry”--but slang
is sometimes better than that; it often succeeds in marrying the King’s
English, and at that ceremony there are dozens of guests. There’s the
poker player, who contributes for his wedding present, “The limit” and
“Make good” and “Four flush.” Politics hands over “Boodle,” “Mugwump”
and “Gerrymander.” The thief presents his “Jimmy,” “Doss,” “Kip,”
“Heeler,” “Split,” “Lag,” “Swag” and “Dope.” The horse race gives us
“Neck and neck”; baseball, “Putting one over.” Even the baby offers
“Goo-goo.” Illustrations, however, are boring.

But slang, strictly, consists in the adaptation of phrases; it does not
often--not often enough at any rate--coin new words. Thieves’ patter or
jargon or cant provides us almost with a language of itself, and words
from the Underworld are continually being added to the language. Like
the turkey trot, “We first endure, then pity, then embrace.” So from all
sources the language recruits new phrases, new expressions, even new
rules of grammar. Horrible as they are to the conservative, common usage
accepts them and they become classic. Professor Lounsbury of Yale is
kept busy justifying them. He, alone of all grammarians, sees that the
split infinitive must come, that verbs must be constructed of nouns. He
recognizes the new function of the potential mood, in “I should worry”
and “Wouldn’t that jar you?”

Yes, it’s easy enough to coin a phrase, to adapt an old word to a new
use, like “Chestnut” and “Lemon” and “Peach.” It’s easy to abbreviate
words, like “Gent” and “Pants” and “Exam” and “Phone” and “Stylo.” It’s
easier still to fill the new dictionary with new derivatives from Latin
or Greek or crowd in French. The scientific word requires a little
invention. “Radioactive” and “Aileron” and “Hypofenyl-tribrompropionic”
need only a scholastic delving in ancient tongues. But to invent a new
word right out of the air or the cigarette smoke is another thing. And
that’s what I determined to do.

Yes, I know it has been tried, but it’s never been seriously and
deliberately gone about. It has been haphazard work, the result of a
mere accident, or vaudeville high spirits. But the way such neologisms
have become quickly current shows that here’s a field for high endeavor,
and a little success with “Blurb” and “Goop” encourage me to proceed in
the good work. We need so many new words, and we need ’em quick. The
question is: How to get ’em?

Of course, we might ransack the back numbers of the language and dig up
archaic words. Many such have been dropped from the original
Anglo-Saxon. There is “Dindle,” to shake, and “Foin” to thrust, and
“Gree” and “Lusk” and “Sweven.” But the need for most of them has long
gone by. We do not “Feutre” our spears, because we have no spears to
feutre. We carry no “Glaive,” we wear no “Coif.”

So with the bright gems of Elizabethan diction. A “Bonnibel” is now a
nectarine. To “Brabble” is now to “Chew the rag.” What is a
“Scroyle”?--a “Cad,” a “Bad Actor”? A “Gargrism” has become “A Scream.”
So the old names become mere poetic decorations. Why, the word “Fro” we
dare use only in a single collocation! And as for “Welkin,” “Lush,” and
“Bosky”--who dares to lead their metric feet into the prim paths of
prose? Let bygones be bygones. Look elsewhere.

Samoa has an ideal language, and there it was I got my inspiration.
Can’t we make English as subtle as Samoan? I wondered. There they
have a single word, meaning,
“A-party-is-approaching-which-contains-neither
-a-clever-man-nor-a-pretty-woman.”
Another beautiful word describes
“A-man-who-climbs-out-on-the-limbs-of-his-own-breadfruit-tree-to
-steal-the-breadfruit-of-his-neighbor.”
“_Suiia_” means “Change-the-subject-you-are-on-dangerous-ground.”
Another happy word expresses a familiar
situation--“To-look-on-owl-eyed-while-others-are-getting-gifts.” Have we
anything in English as charmingly tactful as this? No, our tongue is
almost as crude as pidjin-English itself, where piano is
“Box-you-fight-him-cry.”

But the time has come for a more scientific attempt to enlarge the
language. The needs of the hour are multifarious and all unfilled. There
are a thousand sensations that we can describe only by laborious phrases
or metaphors, a thousand characters and circumstances, familiar to all,
which shriek for description.

It has, of course, been tried before. Think what a success the scheme
was when it was so long ago attempted. The first Nonsense Book
containing really new words was published in 1846 by Edward Lear, but he
failed to appreciate his opportunity. Of all his names, the “Jumblies”
alone survive. Lewis Carroll later went about it more deliberately. His
immortal poem, “Jabberwocky,” has become a classic; but even in that
masterpiece, how many words are adapted to modern use? “Slithy” perhaps
and “Chortle”--though no one has ever been able to pronounce it properly
to this day. Oh yes, “Galumph,” I forgot that. Not even “The Hunting of
the Snark” has made the title rôle popular amongst bromides. Why? His
fatal rule was, “Take care of the sounds and the sense will take care of
itself.”

A dozen years ago a little girl tried it with fair success. In her
“Animal Land, where there are no People,” however, I can find no word I
have ever heard used outside its covers, no word like “Hoodlum,” or
“Flunk” or “Primp,” “Quiz,” “Cabal” or “Fad” or “Fake.”

The thing must be done, and so I did it. Slang is sporadic; its
invention is crude and loose. It is a hit-or-miss method, without
direction or philosophy. Our task is serious; we must make one word
blossom where a dozen grew before. A myriad necessities urge us. I found
myself often confronted with an idea which baffled me and forced me to
talk gibberish. How, for instance, can one describe the appearance of an
elderly female in plush dancing a too conscientious tango? How do _you_,
gentle reader, portray your emotion when, on a stormy night, as you
stand on the corner the trolley-car whizzes by and fails to stop for
you? Where is the word that paints the mild, faint enjoyment of a family
dinner with your wife’s relations?

You see how inarticulate you are, now, don’t you, when a social
emergency arises?--when you want to give swift tongue to your emotions?
What can you say when you’re jilted?--how mention the feeling
of a broken finger-nail on satin--your esthetic delight in
green-trading-stamp furniture? How do you feel with a person whose name
you cannot quite remember? Why, we need at least a gross of assorted
nouns this very day! What is the name of a business enterprise that was
born dead? What do you call the woman who telephones to you during
business hours? What is a woman who wears dirty white gloves? What is a
man who gives you advice “for your own good”? Well, behold a guide to
help you;--read “Burgess Unabridged.” It is the dictionary of the
Futurist language!

Yes, my modest “Unabridged” will “fill a long felt want.” It will
solidify the chinks of conversation, express the inexpressible, make our
English language ornamental, elegant, distinguished, accurate. Other
dictionaries have recorded the words of yesterday, my lexicon will give
the words of to-morrow. What matter if none of them is “derived from two
Greek words”? My words will be imaginotions, penandinkumpoops,
whimpusles, mere boojums rather than classic snarks, for I shall not
construct “Portmanteau” words, like Lewis Carroll. I shall create them
from instinctive, inarticulate emotions, hot from the depths of
necessity. No “Onomatopœia,” either, for I do not hold with those who
say that the origin of language is in the mere mimicry of natural
sounds. No, like the intense poetic pre-Raphaelite female, who says and
feels that her soul is violet, when I see a hand-embroidered necktie, I
dive deep in my inner consciousness and bring up, writhing in my hand,
the glad word, “Gorgule,” or “Golobrifaction” or “Diabob.”

For, as my friend, the Reverend Edward P. Foster, A.M., of Marietta,
Ohio, has pointed out, in his great work on Ro, the _a priori_ method is
the only rational principle upon which to coin new words. Volapük,
Esperanto, Idiom Neutral, Interlingua and Ido all have fallen by the
wayside of this “philosophical” route. It is as futile to try to make
the sound suggest the sense. For, investigation will show that so many
senses are suggested that the word lacks definition. Not only does
“stave” seem to imply a barrel, but music. And, if you take the sound
alone, we have such different meanings as wright, right, write and rite,
not to speak of exactly opposite interpretations in such word as
“cleave.”

What Ro, therefore, attempts so ambitiously, I do in a more humble
spirit, contenting myself with the manufacture of words to explain some
of the more subtle relationships and exigencies of civilized life. I
confess the work is, to a great extent, subjective and personal. I have
but ministered to my own direst needs.

So contriving, choosing my words from some vague sense of color, mood,
an instinctive feeling of appropriateness, I trust that I have not made
my method monotonous. I must confess, however, that in my
experimentation, certain sounds appealed more strongly than others to my
comic spirit. The frequent use of the “oo” will perhaps require an
apology, and the almost equally merry “aw.” The other “long” vowels,
such as “ee” and “ay” and “o” seemed inadequate to my use. Of
consonants, my “G” is, no doubt, most frequent. “G” supplies spuzz to a
word that can hardly be obtained elsewhere in the alphabet. “K” also has
a bite, but it is frequently too suggestive for our delicate
susceptibilities. “L”--what could one do in such a work, without the
gentle liquid that euphonizes the most savage of consonants! Also I
confess having fallen in love with the anapest.

And yet, many of these words will not, at first sound, seem appropriate.
Let me remind you of Mr. Oliver Herford’s not too original discovery
(most children make it earlier), than any word, when often repeated,
becomes strange and barbaric, even as his favorite “looking-glass” after
being pronounced several times, grows marvellously beautiful and
romantic.

So, as a corollary to this principle, you will, I hope, find that even
my fierce and uncouth syllables may, when iterated, grow less unusual,
strangely familiar, even; and, little by little, as their sharp corners
and edges are worn smooth by use, they will fit into your conversation
and nestle into place, making your talk firmer, more expressive and
wonderfully adequate to your daily needs.

    _When vorianders seek to huzzlecoo,
      When jurpid splooch or vilpous drillig bores,
    When cowcats kipe, or moobles wog, or you
      Machizzled are by yowfs or xenogores,_

    _Remember Burgess Unabridged, and think,
      How quisty is his culpid yod and yab!
    No fidgeltick, with goigsome iobink,
      No varmic orobaldity--his gab!_

    _No more tintiddling slubs, like fidgelticks,
      Rizgidgeting your speech, shall lallify;
    But your jujasm, like vorgid gollohix,
      Shall all your woxy meem golobrify!_
                     GELETT BURGESS.

_New York, June 1st, 1914._




BURGESS ABRIDGED:


100 CHOICE SELECTIONS

1. =Agowilt.=       Sickening terror, unnecessary fear, sudden shock.
2. =Alibosh.=       A glaringly obvious falsehood or exaggeration.
3. =Bimp.=          A disappointment, a futile rage, a jilt.
4. =Bleesh.=        An unpleasant picture; vulgar or obscene.
5. =Blurb.=         Praise from one’s self, inspired laudation.
6. =Bripkin.=       One who half does things; second-hand, imitation.
7. =Cowcat.=        An unimportant guest, an insignificant personality.
8. =Critch.=        To array one’s self in uncomfortable splendor.
9. =Culp.=          A fond delusion, an imaginary attribute.
10. =Diabob.=       An object of amateur art, adorned without taste.
11. =Digmix.=       An unpleasant, uncomfortable or dirty occupation.
12. =Drillig.=      A tiresome lingerer, one who talks too long.
13. =Edicle.=       One who is educated beyond his intellect, a pedant.
14. =Eegot.=        A selfishly interested friend, a lover of success.
15. =Elp.=             A tricky, sly or elusive person, a promiser.
16. =Fidgeltick.=      Food that it is a bore to eat; a taciturn person.
17. =Flooijab.=        An apparent compliment with a concealed sting.
18. =Frime.=           An educated heart, one who does the right thing.
19. =Fud.=             A state of disorder or déshabille, a mess.
20. =Frowk.=           A spicy topic, a half-wrong act, a sly suggestion.
21. =Geefoojet.=       An unnecessary thing, an article seldom used.
22. =Gixlet.=          One who has more heart than brains, an entertainer.
23. =Gloogo.=          Foolishly faithful without reward; loyal, fond.
24. =Goig.=            One whom one distrusts intuitively, suspicious.
25. =Gollohix.=        An untimely noise, a disturbance, especially at night.
26. =Golobrify.=       To adorn with unmeaning and extravagant ornament.
27. =Gorgule.=         A splendiferous, over-ornate object or gift.
28. =Gorm.=            A human hog; to take more than one’s share.
29. =Gowyop.=          A perplexity wherein familiar things seem strange.
30. =Gubble.=          Society talk, the hum of foolish conversation.
31. =Huzzlecoo.=       An intimate talk, a confidential colloquy.
32. =Hygog.=           An unsatisfied desire, something out of one’s reach.
33. =Hyprijimp.=      A man who does woman’s work; one alone amid women.
34. =Igmoil.=         A sordid quarrel over money matters.
35. =Impkin.=         A superhuman pet, a baby in beast form.
36. =Iobink.=         An unplaceable resemblance, an inaccessible memory.
37. =Jip.=            A faux pas, a dangerous subject of conversation.
38. =Jirriwig.=       A traveller who does not see the country.
39. =Jujasm.=         An expansion of sudden joy after suspense.
40. =Jullix.=         A mental affinity, one with similar tastes or memory.
41. =Jurp.=           An impudent servant or underling, a saucy clerk.
42. =Kidloid.=        A precocious or self-assertive child. _Enfant terrible_.
43. =Kipe.=           To inspect appraisingly, as women do one another.
44. =Kripsle.=        An annoying physical sensation or defect.
45. =Lallify.=        To prolong a story tiresomely, or repeat a joke.
46. =Leolump.=        An interrupter of conversations, an egoistic bore.
47. =Looblum.=        Palatable but indigestible food; flattery.
48. =Machizzle.=      To attempt unsuccessfully to please, to try to like.
49. =Meem.=           An artificial half-light that women love; gloom.
50. =Mooble.=         A mildly amusing affair, a semi-interesting person.
51. =Moosoo.=         Sulky, out of sorts or out of order; delayed.
52. =Nink.=             An “antique” resurrected for decorative effect.
53. =Nodge.=            The only one of its kind, or having no mate.
54. =Nulkin.=           The secret explanation, the inside history.
55. =Oofle.=            A person whose name one cannot remember; to forget.
56. =Orobaldity.=       Modern mysticism, a short cut to success.
57. =Ovotch.=           A thing in style, the current fad.
58. =Paloodle.=         To give unnecessary advice; one who thus bores.
59. =Pawdle.=           One vicariously famous, or with undeserved prominence.
60. =Persotude.=        Social warmth or magnetism, amount of popular favor.
61. =Pooje.=            To embarrass; a regrettable discovery.
62. =Quink.=            An expression or mood of anxious expectancy.
63. =Quisty.=           Useful and reliable without being ornamental.
64. =Quoob.=            A person or thing obviously out of place, a misfit.
65. =Rawp.=             A reliably unreliable person, one always late.
66. =Rizgidget.=        An inability to make up one’s mind, an indecision.
67. =Rowtch.=           To eat in extraordinary fashion, to gormandize.
68. =Skinje.=           To feel shudderingly, to shrink from instinctively.
69. =Skyscrimble.=      To go off at a tangent, mentally; to escape logic.
70. =Slub.=             A mild indisposition which does not incapacitate.
71. =Snosh.=            Vain talk; a project that is born dead.
72. =Spigg.=            A decoration of overt vanity; to attract
                          notice, paint.
73. =Spillix.=          Accidental good luck, uncharacteristically skilful.
74. =Splooch.=          One who doesn’t know his own business; a failure.
75. =Spuzz.=            Mental force, aggressive intellectuality, stamina.
76. =Squinch.=          To watch and wait anxiously, hoping for a lucky turn.
77. =Tashivation.=      The art of answering without listening to questions.
78. =Thusk.=            Something that has quickly passed from one’s life.
79. =Tintiddle.=        An imaginary conversation; wit coming too late.
80. =Udney.=            A beloved bore; one who loves but does not understand.
81. =Uglet.=            An unpleasant duty too long postponed.
82. =Unk.=              An unwelcome, inappropriate or duplicate present.
83. =Varm.=             The quintessence of sex; sex hatred or antipathy.
84. =Vilp.=             An unsportsmanlike player, a bad loser, a braggart.
85. =Voip.=             Food that gives no pleasure to the palate.
86. =Vorge.=            Voluntary suffering, unnecessary effort or exercise.
87. =Voriander.=        A woman who pursues men or demands attentions.
88. =Whinkle.=       Hypocritical graciousness; to glow with vanity.
89. =Wijjicle.=      A perverse household article, always out of order.
90. =Wog.=           Food on the face; unconscious adornment of the person.
91. =Wowze.=         A female fool, an unconsciously ridiculous woman.
92. =Wox.=           A state of placid, satisfied contentment.
93. =Wumgush.=       Women’s insincere flattery of each other.
94. =Xenogore.=      An interloper who keeps one from interesting things.
95. =Yab.=           A monomaniac or fanatic, enthusiasm over one thing.
96. =Yamnoy.=        A bulky, unmanageable object to be carried.
97. =Yod.=           A ban or restriction on pleasant things.
98. =Yowf.=          One whose importance exceeds his merit; a rich fool.
99. =Zeech.=         A monologuist; one who is lively, but exhausting.
100. =Zobzib.=       An amiable blunderer, one displaying misguided zeal.




BURGESS UNABRIDGED

[Illustration]

A NEW DICTIONARY

     =Ag´o-wilt=, _n._ 1. Sickening terror, sudden, unnecessary fear. 2.
     The passage of the heart past the epiglottis, going up. 3.
     Emotional insanity.

     =Ag´o-wilt=, _v._ To almost-faint.

“What’s that smell? Is it smoke?--Is it?” You throw open the door and
have an agowilt; the staircase is in flames. But this is the fierce and
wild variety. Agowilts tamed for domestic use, are far more common. The
minute after you throw the burnt match into the waste-paper basket, the
agowilt comes.

It may be but a single extra step which isn’t there and the agowilt
playfully paralyzes your heart. So a sudden jerk of the elevator, the
startling stopping of the train, the automobile skidding, the
roller-coaster looping the loop--bring agowilts.

Vicariously you suffer as well, when the trapeze performers swing in
dizzying circles or do the “death dive.”

“Good heavens! I left my bag in the train!”--an agowilt quite as
painful. (See _Nulkin_.)

Why does your friend, reckless Robert, pause on the edge of the cliff?
Merely to delight you with an agowilt.

When I taught Fanny, the flirt, to swim, and she found herself in water
over her head, why did she scream and throw her arms about my neck? Was
it truly an agowilt? (See _Varm_.)

    _’Twas not when Johnnie got the gun
      And pointed it at Jean;
    Nor when he played, in childish fun
      With father’s razor keen--_

    _She did not agowilt until
      Her little brother said:
    “I just saw sister kissing Bill!”
      She agowilted dead._

     =Al´i-bosh=, _n._ A glaringly obvious falsehood; something not meant
     to be actually believed; a picturesque overstatement.

A circus poster is an alibosh; so is a seed catalogue, a woman’s age and
an actress’s salary. (See _Blurb_.)

There are verbal aliboshes too numerous to mention: “I have had such a
charming time!” and “No, I don’t think you’re a bit too fat, you are
just nice and plump.” (See _Gubble and Wumgush_.)

The saleswoman makes her living on the alibosh: “Yes, I think that hat
is very becoming.” She doesn’t believe it, you don’t believe it--it’s
only a part of the game--like the lies of horse-trading, the inspired
notices of theatrical failures or a prospectus of a gold mine.

    _The dentist, when he filled my tooth,
      Filled me with alibosh;
    He said it wouldn’t hurt, forsooth!
      I knew he lied, b’gosh!_

    _But when he had one filled himself
      They took an ounce or two
    Of chloroform from off the shelf.
      No alibosh would do!_

     =Bimp=, _n._ A disappointment, a futile rage.

     =Bimp=, _v._ To cut, neglect, or forsake.

     =Bimped=, _p.p._ Jilted, left.

As Mrs. Ezra P. McCormick stood in the middle of Myrtle Avenue at the
corner of Grandview Street the trolley car came hurtling past, ten
minutes behind time. Wildly she waved her parasol, but the car would
not, did not stop! Mrs. McCormick got bimped. Her bimp was the more
horrible, because the conductor turned and grinned at her, and three men
on the rear platform laughed, for Mrs. McCormick was very fat. (See
_Jurp_.)

Did you get that raise in your salary on New Year’s day, or did you get
bimped? Were you forgotten on Christmas? Did you draw to a flush and
fail to fill? You got bimped. Did you find you had no cash in your
pocket when it came time to pay the waiter? Did that firm cancel its
order? Bimps.

What did Mrs. Harris’s servant girl do on the very afternoon of the
dinner party? She bimped Mrs. Harris! She packed her imitation-leather
suitcase, grabbed her green umbrella and walked away.

The girl who stood “Waiting at the church” got the biggest bimp of all.
(See _Agowilt_.)

Bimp not, that ye be not bimped! (See _Machizzle_.)

    _I got a bimp, the other night,
      It bimped me good and hard;
    I drew to fill a flush, and got
      A different colored card._

    _But still, I bluffed it out and won;
      A well-filed pot I crimped--
    And three good hands of treys and pairs,
      And one full house, got bimped!_

     =Bleesh=, _n._ 1. An unpleasant picture; vulgar or obscene art. 2. An
     offensive comic-supplement form of humor.

     =Bleesh=, _a._ Revolting, disgusting, coarse.

Comic valentines are very bleesh; the newspaper “comic strip” with the
impossible adventure ending in catastrophic brutality; stars,
exclamation points and “Wows!” Especially a bull-dog, biting the seat of
a man’s trousers and revolving like a pinwheel--this is a bleesh. (See
_Frowk_.)

Crayon enlargements of photographs of your uncle in his Odd Fellows’
uniform are bleesh--Kodak snap-shots and flashlights of banquet groups.

Your practical-joking friend sends you bleesh foreign postcards from
abroad; and your chauffeur revels in bleesh pictures of crime, with an X
showing “where the body was found.”

To the Philistine of the Middle West, the nude in art is bleesh. To the
eye-glassed school-ma’am of Brooklyn, the paintings of Cubists and
Futurists are bleesher still. (See _Ovotch_.)

     _I gazed upon a bleesh, and saw ’Twas stupid, crude and coarse; Its
     wit was dull, its art was raw, It had nor wit nor force._

     _And then my niece, a virgin pure, But used to clever folk, Laughed
     at that bleesh till I was sure I’d somehow missed the joke._

     =Blurb=, _n._ 1. A flamboyant advertisement; an inspired testimonial.
     2. Fulsome praise; a sound like a publisher.

     =Blurb=, _v._ 1. To flatter from interested motives; to compliment
     oneself.

On the “jacket” of the “latest” fiction, we find the blurb; abounding in
agile adjectives and adverbs, attesting that this book is the “sensation
of the year;” the blurb tells of “thrills” and “heart-throbs,” of “vital
importance” and “soul satisfying revelation.” The blurb speaks of the
novel’s “grip” and “excitement.” (See _Alibosh_.)

The circus advertiser started the blurb, but the book publisher
discovered a more poignant charm than alliterative polysyllables. “It
holds you from the first page--”

Now, you take this “Burgess Unabridged”--it’s got a jump and a go to
it--it’s got a hang and a dash and a swing to it that pulls you right
out of the chair, dazzles your eyes, and sets your hair to curling. It’s
an epoch-making, heart-tickling, gorglorious tome of joy!

So, were not my publishers old-fashioned, would this my book be blurbed.

    _If “Burgess Unabridged,” I say,
      “Fulfils a long-felt want,”
    Don’t mind my praise, nor yet the way
      In which I voice my vaunt._

    _Don’t let my adjectives astute
      Your peace of mind disturb;
    It’s “bold,” it’s “clever” and it’s “cute,”
      And so is this my blurb!_

     =Brip´kin=, _n._ 1. One who half does things; not a thoroughbred. 2.
     A suburbanite, commuter.

     =Brip´kin=, _a._ Off color; second-rate; shabby-genteel, a little out
     of style.

The bripkin invites a girl to the theatre, but he takes her in a
street-car--on a rainy night, too! The bripkin tips the waiter less than
ten per cent. of his bill. He carries a cane, but does not wear gloves.
He frequents the manicure, and wears near-silk shirts, with frayed
cuffs. His hat is “the latest” but his coat sleeves are shiny.

The female bripkin has a button off her shoe; she wears white gloves,
but they are badly soiled. She wears a three-quarter-length grey
squirrel coat.

American champagne is bripkin--Key-West cigars and domestic beer, and
imitation coffee. (See _Voip_.)

A bripkin umbrella is made of gloria.

The second-rate suburb of a great city is a bripkin, and so is he who
dwells therein. He wears a watch-chain strung across his vest. (See
_Mooble_.)

Bripkins are the marked-down gowns and suits, at the tail end of the
season; and the green hat, “reduced from $18.75.”

    _A Bripkin sat in a trolley car,
      And his eyes were bright and tiny;
    His collars and cuffs were slightly soiled,
      But his finger nails were shiny._

    _A girl came in with run-over heels,
      And the Bripkin up and kissed her!
    But I knew, by her mangy ermine muff,
      That she was his Bripkin sister._

[Illustration: BRIPKIN]

     =Cow´cat=, _n._ 1. A person whose main function is to occupy space.
     An insignificant, or negligible personality. 2. A guest who
     contributes nothing to the success of an affair; one invited to
     fill up, or from a sense of duty. 3. An innocent bystander.

The cowcat will not talk, but oh, how he listens! How he watches! How he
criticises! But why speak of the cowcat as “he”? They usually have
large, black satin, placid abdomens, or else they are thin and nervous,
with acid eyes. (See _Yowf_.)

How describe a cowcat? There’s nothing about it to describe. It’s a
jelly-fish--a heavy jelly-fish, however. It sits upon your stomach, like
a nightmare.

Cowcats fill hotel chairs, and the rockers of summer verandahs, knitting
gossip. (See _Mooble_.)

Your wife’s relatives?

    _The cowcats in the corners sat,
      And brooded ’gainst the wall,
    And some were thin and some were fat,
      But none would talk at all._

    _The atmosphere grew thick and cold--
      It had begun to jell,
    When I, with desperation bold,
      Arose, and gave a yell!_

     =Critch=, _v._ 1. To array oneself in uncomfortable splendor.

     =Critch´et-y=, _a._ 1. Conspicuous and stiff; garbed elaborately,
     especially on a hot day. 2. Painfully aware of one’s costume.

Oh, that stiff collar! That binding corset! Those burning feet in the
tight shoes! Yes, you are critched, but at the same time you have the
moral support of being becomingly and fashionably clad. A critch is half
pride and half madness--it’s the martyrdom of fashion. (See _Vorge_.)

The unaccustomed exquisite in his hard boiled shirt, stiff cuffs and
high collar stands critchety, but willing to endure the agonies of the
aristocracy.

You may be too cool in decolleté, or too warm in your furs, but vanity
vanquishes the critch.

You are critched when you have a picture taken, but that radiant smile
survives. At private theatricals all the actors are critched with tights
and swords and furbelows--trying to appear at ease. (See _Wowze_.)

The banker is critched with his silk hat in a high wind; and the
dowager, as she carefully arranges her skirts when she is seated. But to
be properly critched, you must be a Japanese countess, putting on stays
for the first time in your artless, lavender life.

    _A sovereign’s lot is sad and strange,
      For kings and queens, they say,
    Are all uneasy; they must change
      Their clothes ten times a day!_

    _Ah, robes and uniforms and crowns
      Are glorious things, I know,
    And queens do wear expensive gowns--
      They must be critchety, though!_

     =Culp=, _n._ 1. A fond delusion; an imaginary attribute. 2. What one
     would like to be, or thinks oneself.

     =Cul´pid=, _a._ 1. Visionary, non-existent. 2. Not proved;
     autohypnotized.

Many women have the culp that they are beautiful, men that they are
irresistible, shrewd, or interesting.

A culpid actor is one who thinks he can act, but can’t. His culp is that
he is making a hit. (See _Splooch_.)

The mother has the baby culp; but the infant to other eyes is not so
wonderful.

The woman with the culpid taste thinks that no other woman knows how to
dress. (See _Wumgush_.)

The author who has had three letters requesting his autograph, has the
culp that he is popular.

That young man who stays till 11.45 P.M. has a culp that he has
fascinated yawning Ysobel.

    _She had a culp that she was fair,
      In fact, that she was pretty;
    Alas, she bought her beauty where
      They sold it, in the city._

    _And now her culp is: Looks will lie;
      And her delight is huge--
    She thinks that none suspects the dye,
      The powder and the rouge!_

     =Di´a-bob=, _n._ 1. An object of amateur art; anything improbably
     decorated; hand-painted. 2. Any decoration or article of furniture
     manufactured between 1870 and 1890.

     =Di-a-bob’i-cal=, _a._ Ugly, while pretending to be beautiful.

Who invented the diabob? The infamy is attributed to John Ruskin. At any
rate, humble things began to lose the dignity of the commonplace; the
rolling-pin became exotic in the parlor. The embroidery blossomed in
hectic tidies, splashes and drapes. Hand-painting was discovered.

So, from the Spencerian skylark to the perforated “God Bless Our Home.”
Now the jigsaw was master; now, the incandescent point that tortured
wood and leather into nightmare designs. Plaques began their vogue. (See
_Gefoojet_.)

Diabobical was the hammered brasswork; diabobical the sofa cushion
limned with Gibson heads. The decorative fan, genteel; the pampas grass,
dyed bright purple; the macramé bags and the seaweed pictures passed;
came the embossed pictures stuck on bean-pots and molasses jugs; came
the esthetic cat-tail and piano-lamp, “A Yard of Daisies,” and burnt
match receivers and catch-alls, ornamented by the family genius.

Ah, Where are the moustache cups of yesteryear?

    _This object made of celluloid,
      This thing so wildly plushed,--
    How grossly Art has been annoyed!
      How Common Sense has blushed!_

    _And yet, these diabobs, perhaps
      Are scarcely more_ outré
    _Than pictures made by Cubist chaps,
      Or Futurists, today!_

[Illustration: DIABOB

_See also_ GEFOOJET, GOLOBRIFY _and_ GORGULE]

     =Dig´mix=, _n._ 1. An unpleasant, uncomfortable, or dirty occupation.
     2. A disagreeable or unwelcome duty.

     =Dig´mix=, _v._ To engage in a necessary but painful task.

The type of the digmix is cleaning fish. At first it is disgusting,
untidy, uncomfortable. Then, you begin to enjoy it, rather; and finally,
as the clean, finished product of your skill appears, there is the
refreshing sense of duty well done. (See _Gloogo_.)

So with all household digmixes, stuffing feathers into pillows, peeling
onions, taking up carpets, putting up stove pipes, beating rugs,
attending to the furnace and washing dishes. You loathe the work, but,
when it is finished, you’re so glad you did it.

The mental digmix is less satisfactory, but just as necessary.
Discharging the cook is a digmix. Breaking the news of a death, refusing
a man who has proposed, explaining just why you came home at 2 A.M.,
accompanying a child to a dentist’s, getting a divorce, waiting on a
querulous invalid, having a lawsuit with a neighbor,--all are digmixes.
(See _Moosoo_.)

Why, to some, the mere eating of an orange or a grape fruit is a digmix!
They feel as if they ought to take a bath and then go straight to bed.

But why enlarge upon a painful subject? After all, life is just one
digmix after another.

    _Poor Jones was in a digmix--he
      Had blown his right front tire;
    He worked from half past one till three;
      Oh, how he did perspire!_

    _But that was not what crazed his mind;
      A digmix worse than that
    Confronted him--he had to find
      That day a good, cheap flat!_

     =Dril´lig=, _n._ A tiresome lingerer; a button-holer.

     =Dril´li-ga-tor=, _n._ Same as drillig.

     =Dril´li-gate=, _v._ 1. To detain a person when he wants to go to
     work or get away. 2. To talk unceasingly at an inconvenient time.

He rings you up on the telephone, or she rings you up, and drilligates
you by the hour, if you are too kind-hearted to hang up the receiver. Of
course she has nothing important to say; you know she is leaning back in
her chair, smiling, and eating chocolates. (See _Lallify_.)

The drillig calls in the rush hours of business, sits down, crosses his
legs, and nothing moves except his mouth. He is never busy and never
hurried. He catches you on the street corner, holds you by the button or
lapel, in the middle of a cursing stream of pedestrians, and tells you a
long, dull story. “Just a minute, now, I just want to tell you about--”
The Ancient Mariner was a drillig. (See _Xenogore_.)

The public speaker at the banquet rises with a bland smile and looks at
his watch. “The hour is so late,” he says, “and there are so many more
interesting speakers to be heard from, that I shall detain you with only
a few words--” and he drilligs on for an hour and six minutes by the
clock.

The drillig catches you in a corner at the club and tells you the story
of his play; the young mother nails you to the sofa with her smile, and
drilligs you about Baby.

The book agent, anchored in the front door at meal times, is the master
drilligator of them all. (See _Persotude_.)

    _I was rushing for the station,
      Had to catch the 5.11,
    When he caught me, seized a button,
      And began to talk--Oh, Heaven!_

    _For the Drillig was a golfer,
      And I knew he’d talk his fill;
    So I cut that button off my coat--
      He is talking to it still!_

     =Ed´i-cle=, _n._ 1. One who is educated beyond his intellect; a
     pedant. 2. One who is proficient in theory, but poor in practice.

In old times, they spoke of “Book learning” and worshiped the edicled
fool. But we are wiser today and know the hollowness of the edicle.

The edicle is the college professor who has listened to his own talk so
long that he has mistaken knowledge for wisdom. The book-worm who has
learned to believe that literature is greater than life. (See _Snosh_.)

A woman is an edicle, who prates “new thought” and juggles the trite
phrases of a philosophy too heavy for her comprehension. (See
_Orobaldity_.) A man is an edicle when he quotes Browning or Karl Marx
or Herbert Spencer. Most clergymen are edicles, and persons who rave
over pictures they don’t understand.

The book reviewer who can’t write a book himself, is an edicle. The
dramatic critic is an edicle, for he has failed as a playwright. (See
_Yowf_.)

The college girl who can’t cook is an edicle; the young medico, newly
graduated, with an “M.D.” painted on him still fresh, and wet and
green,--a mere mass of quivering Latin words. All editors are edicles.

    _Josephus is an edicle,
      A Doctor wise is he;
    Oh, no!--not doctor medical--
      Only a Ph. D._

    _His brain is like a phonograph’s,
      And he would starve, unless
    He’d started writing monographs
      On “How to BE Success._”

     =Ee´got=, _n._ 1. A fair-weather friend; one who is over-friendly
     with a winner. A success-worshiper.

     =Ee´goid=, _a._ 1. Self-interested, mercenary.

The eegot slaps the favorite sprinter on the back and cheers him on, but
switches interest when he fails to finish. The eegot takes the popular
side of every subject, curries favor with the rich and prosperous, and
is attentive to the belle of the ball.

Four feet away from the popular hero, and you will find the eegots
clustered close. (See _Elp._)

The eegot votes for the one whom he thinks will win--he believes that
the rich can do no wrong.

The eegot always wears “the latest,” and reads only “the best sellers.”
(See _Ovotch_.)

He suddenly discovers his poor country cousin,--after she has married
the Lieutenant-Governor.

Molasses draws flies--prosperity breeds the egoid parasite.

    _When you are rich and great and grand,
      The eegot needs you badly;
    He wags his tail, he licks your hand,
      He lets you kick him gladly._

    _But when your fortune’s gone, and fame,
      Where is the eegot then?
    Oh, he is capering just the same--
      But now for other men!_

     =Elp=, _n._ 1. A tricky, sly or subtle person; one who evades his
     responsibilities. 2. An ingenious ruse; sharp practice.

     =El´pine=, _a._ Disappointing; plausibly apologetic.

The elp is a clever promiser, who doesn’t make good. You never can pin
him down,--he always escapes you. He won’t do what he has promised, or
pay his debts; but his explanations are always all-but-convincing.

The tradesman is an elp, who promises to deliver those provisions in
time for dinner, and always has a good excuse. The ladies’ tailor is an
elp--the suit is never done on time. (See _Goig_.)

At the employment agency, the elps abound. They are always “sure to
come” on Thursday. Friday and Saturday pass by.

The elp never quite knows, but would never confess his ignorance. It is
impossible to get him to say either “Yes” or “No.”

Most infamous among the elps is the philandering suitor, who is
attentive to you for years and years, keeping serious men away, and yet
who will not propose. (See _Xenogore_.)

    _He promised he would pay in June--
      Then August--then September;
    And then he sang the same old tune:
      He promised for December._

    _His sister died--his wife fell ill--
      His brother needed help;
    And I believed his tales, until
      I saw he was an elp._

     =Fid´gel-tick=, _n._ Food that it is a bore to eat; anything
     requiring painstaking and ill-requited effort. 2. A taciturn
     person, one from whom it is hard to get information.

The fidgeltick tastes good, but is it really worth while? Come
now,--doesn’t salad really bore you--unless it is served, as in
California, at the beginning of a meal, while you are still hungry?
Broiled live lobster! How succulent, yet how meagre its reward to the
appetite! Frogs’ legs are fidgelticks, and shad and grape fruit and
pistachios. Why can’t such tasteful delicacies be built with the
satisfactory architecture of the banana? The artichoke gives perhaps the
minimum of reward with the maximum of effect. (See _Voip_.)

And who does not flinch at a Bent’s water cracker?

To make cranberry sauce with the skins in, and cherry pie with the
stones, should be against the law.

So it is, to extract information from a railroad official after an
accident. Interviewing the master of a steamer is like getting the meat
out of a butternut, or the flesh out of a shrimp. Sooner or later, you
will give him up in discouragement. He’s a fidgeltick! (See _Jurp_.)

Politely you inquire of a ticket seller at the theatre; you might as
well talk with a foreigner, or a deaf man. All, all are fidgelticks!

    _I wish that I could eat as fast
      As actors, on the stage;
    Five minutes does a dinner last--
      No fidgelticks enrage._

    _If they should dine on soft boiled eggs
      In some new problem play,
    Or lobsters broiled, or frogs’ hind legs--
      What would the actors say?_

     =Floo´i-jab=, _n._ 1. A cutting remark, disguised in sweetness. 2. A
     ladylike trouble-maker.

     =Floo´i-jab=, _v._ To make a sarcastic comment in a feminine manner.

     =Floo-i-jab´ber-y=, _n._ Feline amenity.

For the flooijab of commerce, see the typical Ethel-Clara dialogues in
the comic papers; and yet, one cannot describe the tone--the sugared
smile that gives the shot its sting. (See _Varm_.)

Anent women’s looks, the flooijabs fly fastest.

“Oh, yes, Helen _used_ to be a very beautiful girl!”

“We’re not so young as we used to be, but you do look awfully pretty,
_today_.”

“No,--I don’t think you look a day older,--except when you are tired.”

“I’m _so_ delighted that you are engaged to Harry! How did you do
it--‘holding the thought’?”

“They do say she’s awfully fast--but I never noticed anything--I think
she’s sweet. Too bad she’s talked about so!”

“I think you gave an awfully good performance--of course, you weren’t a
Bernhardt, but then ...” (See _Wumgush_.)

“I’m so sorry you didn’t make good; it’s a shame! I think you did
awfully well, really!”

“I thought your little story was so good. I suppose influence with the
editors counts a lot,--doesn’t it?”

    _You think they talk of men and mice,
      Of operas, and cabs;
    Ah no! Beneath those phrases nice,
      They’re shooting flooijabs._

    _No man can know--but women may
      Interpret women’s smiles--
    It’s what they mean--not what they say,
      That stings in women’s wiles._

     =Frime=, _n._ 1. An educated heart. 2. One who always does the right
     thing at the right time; a person who can be depended upon in time
     of need.

The mind is cultivated until it is hypercivilized, but where is the
educated heart? The frime, like the fool, is born, not made; no one has
told him when to speak and when to remain silent, or when to laugh and
when to cry. (See _Zobzib_.)

The frime knows when you are hungry, when you are thirsty and when you
would be let alone. He speaks a person’s name so clearly when he
introduces you that you can actually understand.

The frime knows when to come and when to go; he makes the lion as
comfortable as the humblest guest. He sends you fruit instead of
flowers. The frime knows the etiquette of life and love and death; he
likes you in spite of your faults. As a lover, he never makes you or
himself ridiculous. As a consoler, he is never guilty of that most
ironic bromide: “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” (See
_Spuzz_.)

    _When I was down and out, one time--
      Believe me, ’twasn’t funny!--
    I chanced upon a thorough frime;
      Unasked, he lent me money._

    _When I was rich, and he was poor
      I lent to help his need;
    And did he pay it back?, Why, sure!
      There was a frime, indeed!_

     =Fud=, _n._ 1. In a state of déshabille, or confusion. 2. A mess, or
     half-done job.

     =Fud´dy=, _a._ Disordered, untidy, unkempt.

What is a fud? A woman in curl papers and her oldest kimona. A man in
his shirt-sleeves with his suspenders hanging from two buttons, down
behind. It is a half built house; half cooked potatoes on the back of
the stove. Anyone in stocking feet. (See _Frowk_.)

No one can help being fuddy, at times, so long as there is
house-cleaning and moving to be done; but some fuds are fuddier than
others. A house that is being reshingled, for instance, is far less
fuddy than an actress washing greasepaint off her face, or stumbling in
a peignoir through a Pullman car, her hair tousled, to reach the
dressing-room. (See _Spigg_.)

Ellen’s top bureau drawer is fuddy, after she has tried to find “that
veil.” The parlor and library are fuddy after the reception.

It’s an unpleasant subject. Let us end it, with the mention of
half-dried wash and unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink. (See _Uglet_.)

    _I call you fuddy--how severe
      My accents disapproving!
    And yet, you cannot help it, dear,
      Alas, for we are moving!_

    _The house is fuddy--so am I,
      And so is everybody!
    The moving van is late, so why
      Should we not all be fuddy?_

     =Frowk=, _n._ 1. A spicy topic. 2. An action considered to be about
     half wrong.

     =Frow´]cous=, _a._ Nice, but naughty, or considered so; piquantly
     provocative; risqué, pertaining to sex.

How frowcous is the limerick, in its most perfect form! That frowk which
it is just barely possible to recite at a dinner party:-- “There was a
young lady so thin, that she slightly resembled a pin; don’t think that
I’d creep to her window and peep--I was told by a friend, who looked
in.”

’Tis a frowcous epoch--eugenics, white slavery, and the “dangerous age”
are now the vogue, and a play that’s not a frowk can scarcely make a hit
on Broadway. (See _Ovotch_.)

In the era of “sensibility”--when ladies had the vapors, the sight of a
man shaving himself was frowcous. Now, we subscribe for the foreign
illustrated comic papers, and speak boldly concerning “Damaged Goods.”
(See _Bleesh_.)

Once a turkey trot was frowcous; bare feet and cocktails--but little is
frowcous now. There are _so_ many “things that a young girl ought to
know!”

    _A frowcous tale one day I told
      To Revered Eli Meek.
    His laughter he could scarcely hold--
      It lasted for a week._

    _He couldn’t stop his wild guffaws;
      To calm his merry gale
    He had to leave the church, because
      He had to tell the tale!_

     =Ge-fooj´et=, _n._ 1. An unnecessary thing; an article seldom used.
     2. A tool; something one ought to throw away, and doesn’t. 3. The
     god of unnecessary things.

     =Ge-fooj´et-y=, _a._ 1. Superfluous. 2. Pertaining to an old garret.

“Oh, no, I don’t want to throw that away yet; I’ll give it away to
somebody, some time,” or “We may need it.” This is the doctrine of
Gefoojet, which, preached and practiced in New England, has outlived the
dogma of infant damnation. A thousand housewife martyrs have suffered
years of persecution, testifying to the sublime nonsense. (See
_Quisty_.)

In my grandmother’s wood-house closet, were ten thousand pieces of
folded brown paper, and one hundred miles of string, salvaged from
by-gone packages in sacrifice to Gefoojet.

Old letters, half used scrap-books, bottles, boxes and fragments of
hardware accumulate unceasingly.

What is a Gefoojet? It’s something you haven’t used for two years, an
old magazine or your wedding dress.

This is what cupboards and closets, top shelves, whatnots and garrets
were invented for.--Gefoojets.

Have you a camera? Go forth and garner gefoojets.

“That thing” you keep because it was given by a dear friend--beware of
it--’tis a gefoojet. (See _Thusk_.)

    _Seven years I kept her letters--how
      Some time, I hoped to read them!
    Alas, they are gefoojets, now!
      I know I’ll never need them._

    _But still gefoojetry survives,
      And makes us slaves to Things;
    Each day Gefoojet, all our lives,
      Some useless present brings!_

    =Gix´let=, _n._ 1. One who has more heart than brains. 2. An
    inveterate host; an irresistible entertainer.

    =Gix´let-y=, _a._ Brutal kindness; misguided hospitality; an
    overdose of welcome.

“Have some more of this--please do--I _insist_--I made it myself!” So
says the gixlet, as she passes the piccalilli. (See _Vorge_.)

The gixlet insists upon paying your fare everywhere, he begs your
pardon, when you step on his foot. He introduces you to everybody he
meets. In public, he praises you with excruciating conspicuousness. At
home, he insists upon your going to church, or showing you over his new
house.

He says, “Why haven’t you been before?” (See _Wumgush_.)

He takes you on long walks when you visit him in the country, and want
just to sit on the verandah and loaf.

The gixlet in the club orders drinks when you don’t want them, and
insists upon your drinking them, because he does. The gixlet, in short,
is the joyous, friendly dog, that leaps with muddy paws upon your clean,
white trousers.

    _The Gixlets entertained me till
      I thought I’d die the death;
    His wife and he could not keep still,
      Though I was out of breath._

    _They showed me things, they made me gorge,
      Then walked me round the farm;
    That night, I killed them both, by George!
      Tell me, where was the harm?_

     =Gloo´go=, _n._ 1. A devoted adherent of a person, place or thing. 2.
     A married person in love with his or her spouse after the first
     year. 3. Anything that can be depended upon.

     =Gloo´go=, _a._ Loyal, constant. Foolishly faithful without pay.

Do you take cold baths all through January, February and March? You’re a
gloogo,--especially if you don’t talk about it. (See _Yab_.)

Do you work over hours at the office? Do you come downtown early? Do you
run in on Sundays and finish up a little batch of business? You’re a
gloogo.

The gloogo, when young, studies his home lessons, instead of going to
that Saturday night dance. In after-life he attends church every Sunday,
and puts a quarter in the plate. If he plays golf, he prefers a rainy,
cold day. (See _Vorge_.)

The gloogo elevator runs all night--but it’s a curiosity.

The family gloogo comes to dinner regularly on Wednesdays and Sundays.
(See _Xenogore_.) Elsie Peach’s gloogo calls every day and always
invites her to everything. Mrs. Valentine’s maid-servant is a
gloogo--she loves to have extra company for dinner.

You are a gloogo, if you read Burgess Unabridged all through.

    _John Smith was a gloogo of forty-five,
      And he worked like a piece of machinery;
    He was fond of his wife (who was still alive),
      And he always took lunch in a beanery._

    _He went to church, and he didn’t drink,
      And he had no sins, no mystery;
    And that’ll be all about him, I think,--
      For Gloogos seldom make history._

     =Goig=, _n._ A suspected person; one whom we distrust instinctively;
     an unfounded bias; an inexplainable aversion.

     =Goig´some=, _a._ Dubious; requiring references or corroboration.

To one from Missouri, the world is full of goigs. Well you have to “show
me,” too, when the new janitor takes possession of the cellar--he’s a
goig. There’s the man with the perpetual smile; he’s a goig. Why do we
watch the gentleman whose collar buttons behind, or the dog who doesn’t
wag his tail? There’s something goigsome about them. He “listens
well,”--_but!_ I ha’e me doots! (See _Eegot_.)

To the fondly doting mother, her son’s sweetheart is always a goig. When
he’s engaged, she is still more goigsome. Once married, and the suspense
is over. (See _Frime_.)

Would you be a goig? Then shave your upper lip and grow a chin beard.

The servile affability of an English shopkeeper, rubbing his hands--how
goigsome! So is your wife’s man-friend, and the new cook.

But, best of all goigs--or worst--the man who says: “Oh, I’ll surely pay
it back next week, at latest!” (See _Elp_.)

    _The dividends are ten percent,
      The stock “is going to rise,”
    “It’s going to make the fortune of
      Each lucky man that buys.”_

    _But still, I think I’ll not invest,
      I do not know just why,--
    But with a Goig, it is best
      To let your neighbor try!_

     =Gol´lo-hix=, _n._ 1. An untimely annoyance, especially when one
     wishes to sleep. 2. An auditory nuisance.

Of course, when you put up at the Fleetville Hotel Imperial, you got a
room in the rear, looking out over the railroad station and the trains
ran all night, backing and switching, raising a fine gollohix. But the
side rooms were just as bad; there was a gollohix windmill creaking
incessantly.

Further back in the country a dog will make the best gollohix, baying at
the moon, or yelping at a woodchuck.

So let’s come to the city. It’s all night in the Pullman, and the
gollohix they make with the milk-cans and switch-engines won’t last but
three or four hours.

Why try to describe the gollohix? It’s the piano in the next flat at
midnight; it’s the turkey-trotting overhead; it’s the phonograph across
the hall. (See _Jujasm_.)

Why do they put in your neighbor’s coal so late in the evening, when you
have tonsilitis? The coal-man loves a gollohix, as a chauffeur loves a
cut-out motor, as a city child loves firecrackers on the 3rd of July.

A musical comedy makes a good gollohix when you sit in the front row
next to the drum, but a crying baby at four o’clock in the morning makes
the best of all. (See _Kidloid_.)

Wait a minute--I forgot the man who practices the trombone or the
cornet, just across the airshaft--that’s a gollohix to dream about!

    _A New Year’s Eve in gay New York,
      Fire engines at a fire,
    A parrot that doth squawk and squawk
      Are gollohixes dire._

    _If gollohixes all could be
      Escaped, I’d thank my stars,
    But Gollohix the Great is he
      Who snores in sleeping-cars!_

     =Go-lob-ri-fac´tion=, _n._ 1. An object which has suffered
     extravagant decoration. 2. A composition superspiced with
     adjectives.

     =Go-lob-ri-fac´tu-rer=, _n._ A mad architect, or designer.

     =Go-lob´ri-fy=, _v._ To adorn excessively; to add excruciating and
     unmeaning ornament.

Golobrifaction is the extravagant exaggeration of art. One may golobrify
pastry, jellies, salads; or literature, with decadent phrases.

Golobrifaction is the art of supersweetening, or the flourish of
eccentric adornment. (See _Diabob_.)

Topiary gardening golobrifies the country residence of the aristocrat;
humbler abodes are golobrified with cast iron stags or plaster statues
of nervous nymphs.

The lover golobrifies his _billets doux_ with ardent adverbs. The
ambitious builder golobrifies his villas with the fret-saw and the
turning-lathe. (See _Gorgule_.)

Trading-stamp furniture, Spencerian flourishes, imitation castles,
parsley decorations, notched turnips, oranges and radishes, cheap
picture-frames, perfumery bottles, boars’ heads, fishes with tails in
their mouths, gingerbread men--all are golobrifactions.

The wedding cake of the millionaire is a golobriboblifaction. _Art
nouveau_ would require still another syllable. After all, is there much
difference between a valentine and a formal Italian garden?

    _Her gown it was golobrified
      With flounces, tucks and shirrs,
    With laces trimmed, with ribbons tied,
      With buttons, fringe and furs._

    _Like unnamed tropic bird her look,--
      For, putting Art in action,
    Her spouse, a famous pastry cook,
      Made that golobrifaction!_

     =Gor´gule=, _n._ 1. An unwished-for gift; an unnecessary,
     splendiferous object. 2. Elaborate bad taste.

     =Gor´gu-lous=, _a._ Ornamental, but not useful.

A gorgule is the imitation malachite clock, the fancy brass lamp, the
green plush sofa, gorgulous with curves, writhing spirals, tassels, gimp
and fringe. (See _Diabob_.)

A hand-embroidered necktie is a gorgule. So are lacy, frilled,
beribboned boudoir-caps, without any boudoir; and fancy smoking jackets;
and corset-covers with chiffon roses, theatrical act drops and scenic
interiors,--anything too royal for humble use. (See _Golobrifaction_.)

Most wedding presents are gorgules. “Heavens, I wish someone would break
that!” Need one describe the gorgule? A brass-and-onyx prodigy. A
celluloid toilet set, in a plush casket, a chandelier of the epoch of
1880, a silver-plated ice-pitcher, or a set of lemonade-tumblers in
colored glass. (See _Gefoojet_.)

Ever receive a loving-cup, grand and gorgulous? Once you were proud of
it; now you’re willing to have the children lug it to the seashore and
shovel it full of sand. Why did you subscribe for that large folio
_edition de luxe_ “Masterpieces of Foreign Art,” a gorgule in nine
monstrous volumes--price $85.75?

Don’t forget that eiderdown fan. It’s a gorgule. Give it to the cook.

    _Behold this gorgulated chair--
      A weird, upholsterrific blunder!
    It doesn’t wonder why it’s there,
      So don’t encourage it to wonder;_

    _For Gorgules such as this don’t know
      That they’re impossible, and therefore
    They go right on existing, so
      This is the whyness of their wherefore._

     =Gorm=, _n._ A human hog; a practical egoist.

     =Gorm=, _v._ To take or desire more than one’s proper share; to act
     greedily.

     =Gor´mid=, _a._ Selfish, individualistic.

The gorm, when you offer him a cigar, puts it in his pocket and says he
“will smoke it after dinner.” When he loses his watch, he offers a
reward which shrinks amazingly when his property is returned and he is
sure of it back. (See _Igmoil_.)

The gorm never pays for his round of drinks. He manages so that the
other fellow shall settle for the taxi and the tickets. He will never
move up in the trolley-car or take his bundle from the seat. On the
railway, he manages successfully to occupy four places at once.

The gorm is the woman who tries to get in ahead of the line which forms
at the ticket office. She monopolizes the most attractive man in the
room to the exclusion of her sisters. At the bargain counter the gorm
holds three waists while she examines a fourth.

Children gorm candy and ice-cream; men gorm free lunches, and women in
Pullman cars gorm the ladies’ room for hours and hours, behind locked
doors. (See _Spigg_.)

And all girls gorm love, or try to gorm it.

    _He gormed the fireplace, standing there
      With coat tails to the flame
    With easy grace, without a care
      For us who, shivering, came._

    _He gormed the magazines, and sat
      On papers by the dozen;
    But at our club we’re used to that--
      Our gormid English cousin!_

     =Gow´yop=, _n._ 1. A state of perplexity, wherein familiar persons or
     things seem strange. 2. A person in an unfamiliar guise.

Have you ever been “turned around,” coming out of a theatre, after an
exciting play? Right is left and west is east. You are in a gowyop. It
is long before you can turn yourself about and make the world seem
normal.

The husband who has just shaved off his beard is a gowyop to his wife.
And his wife is a gowyop, after she has tinted her hair bright red. (See
_Spigg_.)

The gowyop is like that room you see in the mirror,--so like, and yet so
different. Your house, the day after the funeral, is a gowyop--everything
seems so strange.

A pretty child, with his two front teeth out; a person you haven’t seen
for many years and you now behold grown up; a son or a daughter who has
just been married, are gowyops. So is the dignified old gentleman in the
bathing suit. Or, that aristocratic dowager, who, when the house is on
fire, appears in her night-gown; and your cook, when she is “dressed
up.”

To the bachelor of science, returning after four years at college, home
is a gowyop, too. (See _Thusk_.)

    _All in a gowyop I descried
      An unfamiliar world;
    All upside down, I vainly tried
      To get myself uncurled._

    _But I was inside out, till when
      I met my wife--the sight
    Quite turned me outside in again--
      She’d bleached her black hair white!_

     =Gub´ble=, _n._ 1. A murmuring of many voices. 2. Society chatter.

     =Gub´ble=, _v._ To indulge in meaningless conversation.

     =Gub´ble-go=, _n._ 1. A crowded reception, a talking contest.

It’s like some huge, slimy reptile, with a hundred mouths, all
murmuring. As you are admitted to the house, as the servant takes your
hat and cane, the far-off sounds of gubbling strike you with terror; but
it must be done. In you go. Everyone is talking, but no one is
listening. Say anything you like--it will be lost in the gubble.

There’s gubble in a wordy play. There’s gubble at the steamer when you
see a friend off for Europe--a flattering gubble, after you have
performed in public. (See _Wumgush_.)

Letters of condolence usually consist of gubble. Editorials about marine
or railway disasters are gubble. So are funeral sermons. (See
_Alibosh_.)

    _I entered, and I heard the hum
      Of multitudinous gubble;
    And I was terrified and dumb,
      Anticipating trouble._

    _When I remarked that hens had lice,
      (Not knowing what I said),
    My hostess smiled, and said “How nice!
      Let me present Miss Stead!”_

[Illustration: HUZZLECOO]

     =Huz´zle-coo=, _n._ 1. An intimate talk; a “heart-to-heart”
     conversation; a private confidential chat. 2. A flirtation.

A huzzlecoo is an animated conversation between two women over the back
fence. It is a business talk between two partners and their credit-man
behind the locked doors of the office; it is the directors’ meeting
which results in Jones being appointed.

Ward politicians hold huzzlecoos in the back rooms of saloons and make
up their “slates.” Mother and daughter hold a huzzlecoo in Nellie’s pink
cretonne bedroom over “that young man” who has become so attentive.
After the baseball captain and his manager have a huzzlecoo, Five-Base
Murphy is put into the box.

But if you’ve never heard two girls discussing a man, or sat in the
front parlor with Moony Mamie, the Merry Maneater, till 2 A.M.--then I
pity you; you’ll never know what a good hot huzzlecoo means. (See
_Voriander_.)

    _The huzzlecoo that Mary had
      With me, the other night,
    Was intimate and personal,
      And,--well, you know all right!_

    _The huzzlecoo her father had
      With me, soon after that,
    Was intimate and personal--
      I left without my hat!_

     =Hy´gog=, _n._ 1. An unsatisfied desire. 2. An anxious suspense.

     =Hy-gog´i-cal=, _a._ Unattainable; next to impossible.

Oh, that hygogical curtain-shade that simply will _not_ catch, jiggle it
up and down as you will! Oh, that mirror, too high for you, even on
tiptoe! Oh, that telephone operator who won’t answer--and that match you
can’t find, in the dark. Hygogs. Did you ever wait for a sneeze that
wouldn’t come? It is a hygog.

The chandelier--just out of reach; with lighted match, how often have I
striven to light the gas! It was a hygog. How near, and yet how far!

Your note paper too large for the envelope. Fold it over on the edges
and cram it in-- No, it sticks, and will not go! It’s a hygog. Or, if
once rammed in, no man can draw it forth. (See _Wijjicle_.)

Ah, but you suffer, not only for your hygog, but for another’s: The
actor, who forgets his lines, the parlor elocutionist who pauses and
cannot get the next verse--the hygog is an agony unendurable. (See
_Splooch_.)

Hygogical is the strained anxiety of one who waits in nervous suspense
for someone to meet her at the station in time to catch the train.

The cave-man knew it when, pursued by a saber-toothed tiger, he crawled
out on the end of a too slender limb.

    _In Baltimore an oyster rare
      Lay on his shell of pearl,
    Huge as an alligator pear--
      ’Twas placed before a girl._

    _Two times to swallow it she tried,
      Three times, and still did fail;
    The hygog was too long, too wide--
      Let’s kindly draw the veil!_

     =Hyp´ri-jimp=, _n._ 1. A man in a woman’s place or who does women’s
     work. 2. An obedient and thoroughly domesticated husband. 3. A man
     entirely surrounded by women.

He may wash the dishes because his wife is ill, or because she is making
a speech on the street corner; but he is still a hyprijimp. He may wheel
the baby-carriage because he is in love with his offspring or afraid of
his wife; he is a hyprijimp. (See _Vorge_.)

He who carries bundles, kisses his wife in public, does errands for his
sister or criticises hats with real fervor is a hyprijimp.

The hyprijimp is the male guest at a woman’s club; a man at a prayer
meeting, an author who reads his own poems, a non-smoker, a husband in
an employment agency. (See _Varm_.)

The husband of a Suffragette is a hyprijimp. (See _Wowze_.)

    _Within a tea-room, pink and dim,
      Mid candlesticks and tiles,
    A hyprijimp, the only Him,
      Was waiting, wreathed in smiles._

    _Ah, did he swear at Her delay?
      Did rage his forehead crimp?
    Oh, no, he was not built that way;
      He was a hyprijimp!_

     =Ig´moil=, _n._ 1. A quarrel over money matters; a sordid dispute. 2.
     The driving of a hard bargain; a petty law suit.

Before the funeral was over, the brothers and sisters were fighting over
the will; yes, before the father was dead, they had their igmoils over
the property.

Woe to the wife of the stingy husband! Many are her igmoils. (See
_Hyprijimp_.)

And yet no one can escape the igmoil when abroad. When they charge you,
as an American, four times the price, how can you help trying to jew
them down? (See _Jurp_.)

The igmoil is the pawnbroker’s daily bread.

To lose a friend through an igmoil, is the most sordid tragedy of life.

    _My wife had bought a summer hat;
      It cost her 19.20,
    That is, of course, it cost_ me _that.
      I thought 6.50 plenty._

    _We had an igmoil, for, you see,
      I had to have that money.
    She couldn’t see I needed three
      New golf clubs! Ain’t that funny?_

     =Imp´kin=, _n_. A superhuman pet; a human offspring masquerading in
     the form of a beast; an animal that is given overabundant care.

The impkin is the sole heir of Race Suicide, his mother being The High
Cost of Living. He is supposed to “love his mummy.”

Impkins are canine and feline, but their parents are usually asinine.

The impkin is hyper-domesticated but doesn’t particularly like it. An
impkin being frankly natural is always a shock to his mistress. (See
_Frowk_.)

The impkin is particularly affected by large blondes, and always when
their hair is hennaed.

Impkins have collars but no cuffs. They wear boots and ulsters and live
in limousines. They give teas and grudgingly tolerate the presence of
the master of the family. (See _Varm_.)

The impkin is supposed to have all of a baby’s virtues and none of his
faults. It requires more care, but doesn’t jeopard one’s place in
Society.

    _An impkin, noble and refined,
      Complained, “No doubt you see,
    Of course, I do not have to mind
      My mistress--she minds me.”_

    _“A Pomeranian canine, I,--
      She’s but a common woman;
    She’s really quite insulting--why,
      She seems to think I’m human!”_

     =I´o-bink=, _n._ 1. An unplaceable resemblance; an uncertain
     similarity. 2. An inaccessible memory. 3. An unexplainable sound.

A flash of mysterious semi-recognition confuses you for a moment.
“Where--when--have I done just that thing before?” No use to search your
memory or puzzle your wits; you can never catch up with the elusive
thought: It’s an iobink.

That strangely familiar face you pass in the street--the figure you
dimly recognize in the restaurant.

The iobink, like a will-o’-the-wisp, leads you on in fond pursuit. It
was probably some clerk in a dry-goods store, or the assistant in the
grocery. (See _Oofle_.)

So the iobink subtly tortures you. You hear its human voice in sounds of
running water, or the moan of the wind. And, as you lie in bed,
terrified, an unexplainable noise keeps you awake. But, it’s
nothing--only an iobink.

What _is_ that word, that you cannot quite remember? It circles above
your head, just out of reach. The iobink will not come, except uncalled.
The tune you strive to bring back haunts you like a ghost. You cannot
give it audible form. It hovers beyond your consciousness in a world of
iobinks. (See _Rizgidget_.)

    _Who was she? And what was her name?
      Somehow, I couldn’t think.
    Why was my memory so to blame?
      It was an iobink._

    _Where had I seen that face, that stare?
      In some old, previous life?
    The iobink dissolved--and there
      She was--my former wife!_

     =Jip=, _n._ 1. A dangerous topic of conversation; 2. A suggestive
     remark.

     =Jip´lish=, _a._ Likely to lead to an explosion; too personal.

Never make fun of Reno--even to Mrs. Newlywed--she may have a ticket
already bought, and it will be a jip. (See _Pooje_.)

Never speak slightingly of actors, dentists, Jews, Socialists,
mothers-in-law, plumbers, Christian Scientists or Progressives--the man
in the embroidered velvet necktie who has begun to glare at you, may be
all of them--it’s a jip.

Did you ever ask a grey-gowned brunette the whereabouts of her husband
only to find that he had died last week? Rather jiplish!

Anyway, you’re pretty sure to make a jip with your girl, sooner or
later--whether you discuss her best hat or her best friend, the talk is
apt to be jiplish. To ask a woman her age is a jip.

Never ask a man what his wife said when he got home late--it’s a jip.
(See _Skyscrimble_.)

    _I asked Bill Green how Mrs. Green
      Enjoyed her motor trip,
    And if she liked their limousine--
      Believe me, ’twas a jip!_

    _It was a jip to talk of her,
      For she eloped last fall;
    She ran away with his chauffeur,
      And took him, car and all!_

     =Jir´ri-wig=, _n._ 1. A superficial traveler. 2. The Philistine
     abroad. 3. A bromide in search of himself.

     =Jir´ri-wig=, _v._ To travel with one’s eyes shut. To destroy
     opportunity.

I met Mrs. Jirriwig first in Paris. She had been there three months, and
had spent 87 days with modistes and lingeristes, one day at the
Louvre--the rest of the time she had been ill. When she wasn’t trying on
gowns, she was in a cab, going to or from the process. (See _Mooble_.)

Later, on the train, I met Mr. Jirriwig, on the way to Venice. The train
flew by the bounteous beauties of Lombardy, historic and picturesque.
Did Mr. Jirriwig look out of the window? No, he was too busy reading his
Baedeker, learning about Venice. In Venice, he spent his time in
gondolas, reading up Florence. In Florence he sat at little café tables,
turning the pages of his red-covered book and getting acquainted with
Rome. So he saw Europe,--in type.

But there are thousands of Jirriwigs in Paris. They have been there for
years, and all the French they know is “_Combien?_” They are in a state
of perpetual disgust, that things are so different to anything in the
United States.

But there are Jirriwigs in New York also. They live in the Subway, in
offices and in flats. (See _Cowcat_.)

    _Said Mr. Jirriwig, one day,
      To Mrs. Jirriwig,
    “Let’s see the Versailles fountains play;
      They say they’re fine and big!”_

    _“Yes,” said his wife, “they’re fine and big,
      I’ve seen them once, you know!”
    “Thank God!” said Mr. Jirriwig,
      “Then I won’t have to go!”_

[Illustration: JIRRIWIG]

     =Ju´jasm=, _n._ 1. A much-needed relief; a long-desired satisfaction.
     2. An expansion of sudden joy.

     =Ju-jas´mic=, _a._ Offering relief from suffering, or an escape from
     ennui.

Thank God the train has started! So, after the long, dreary wait on a
side-track, your heart expands in a delicious jujasm. As noise after
long silence, so is silence after much noise, a jujasm. (See
_Gollohix_.)

After your slow recovery, jujasmic is the doctor’s dictum, “I think
we’ll have to get you up tomorrow.”

Why is Helen’s face with wild jujasm alight? Dilatory Dick has at last
proposed. (See _Xenogore_.)

As deep as the grim horror of the dentist’s deed, just so high does your
spirit rise in jujasm when the tooth is out.

Spring! After the long suspense is over, the first day of balm and
warmth brings jujasm to your heart.

As a hot drink on a sleigh-ride; as food after a long fast--so is the
first sight of women to a sailor, after his eighteen months at sea,
jujasmic.

Last night, I took high-browed Harriet to the theatre, and she talked of
her soul, while I perished. Oh, the rise of the curtain on that third
act of farcical folly! It was a jujasm. (See _Orobaldity_.)

    _Jujasmic is it when, at night,
      Your baby stops his wails;
    Or when the land, at last in sight,
      The seasick traveller hails._

    _But what are such jujasms to this--
      (I hope your memory’s strong,)
    That first ecstatic, rapturous kiss
      You waited for, so long!_

     =Jul´lix=, _n._ 1. A mental affinity, with a similar taste and
     inclination. 2. One who knew you when you were a child.

“He speaks my own language!” Smile if you will, and call it
sentimentality, but some there are, your jullixes, who laugh at the same
jokes as you and weep at the same sights. Out of the ruck of social
five-o’clocks you pick them, like single pearls out of dead oysters, and
they shine in your memory forever. Three words spoken, and you know them
as you know yourself; and you have floated lightly from ports of
conventionality, never to return. (See _Frime_.)

Such is your jullix. It is not only that he loves your authors and your
songs; not that he has been to the same queer foreign little towns that
you have “discovered”--or even that she has had the same operation. Of
your jullix you know far more than that--you know his soul.

When you are rich, sedate and prominent, comes one with whiskers and
calls you, “Bill!” He knew you when you wore short trousers; and he,
too, knows your language--that all but forgotten speech of your youth.
(See _Thusk_.)

Is she a jullix who was once engaged to the man whom you have married? A
jullix? Yes, but alas, she knows too much for friendship!

A woman’s jullix is one who knows her real age.

    _How Elsie stared! Did Elsie guess
      What bond united her
    To that girl opposite her? Yes!
      It was her jullix, sure._

    _Oh, not from souls akin, and less
      From friendship did she know her;
    But both had bought the self-same dress
      In the same department store!_

     =Jurp=, _n._ 1. A haughty inferior; a saucy underling. 2. An impudent
     servant or clerk.

     =Jur´pid=, _a._ Insubordinate or impertinent.

Cooks, brakemen, shop girls are often jurpid. The whistling, gum-chewing
office boy, who won’t take in your card and says, “The manager’s out,”
is jurpid.

The officious policeman, the barber who talks, the headwaiter, who
always gives you the table you don’t want, is jurpid when you object.
(See _Moosoo_.)

What good does it do to report the jurp? You’ll only have on your
conscience the fact that a man with a big family has lost his job. And
so, you swallow his jurpid jibes.

“Well,” says the jurpid milliner, “you _said_ you wanted a red hat, and
this hat’s red. We ain’t got anything _redder_. If I’d a-known you
wanted _blue_, why didn’t you say so, and I’d a-shown you some purple
ones! You can see for yourself green’s more becoming, though.”

Colored maids, messenger boys and janitors cannot help being jurps--they
were born that way. (See _Splooch_.)

    _It was a jurp who answered back,
      Impertinent and pert;
    A filthy beast, who drove a hack--
      You should have seen his shirt!_

    _And I a gentleman! Whee-ew,
      What jurpid things he said!
    I’d given him a dollar, too!
      But it was made of lead._

     =Kid´loid=, _n._ 1. A precocious or self-assertive infant; an _enfant
     terrible_. 2. A hotel or stage child. Any juvenile person who is
     too ubiquitous.

     =Kid´loid=, _a._ Impertinent or offensive, in a childish way.

In the hotel the kidloid is manufactured and developed from shy and
timid modesty to the final perfect stages of conspicuous vulgarity. He
is like an improbable old man, or a cynical hag but without the charm of
age.

The kidloid, in comic papers, hides under the couch when his sister’s
beau is calling, and is subsequently bribed to silence. In actual life,
however, he is much more offensive when you know he’s about. (See
_Vorge_.)

The kidloid is called upon to recite “pieces” before company, and
invariably makes a fool of his parents.

The kidloid makes conversation an agony, and has the apparent power of a
multiple personality. He seems like at least a dozen persons when he is
in the room.

Kidloids are created by fond and idolatrous parents by the simple
process of giving them their own way.

The stage kidloid is a cross between an intelligent ape and a mummy. The
hotel kidloid is an anthropoid dynamo. (See _Gollohix_.)

    _The Kidloid at the Beach Hotel
      We thought a model child,
    For he behaved so very well--
      He was so meek and mild._

    _But every girl, for comfort’s sake,
      Had paid him, every day
    That she had company, to make
      That kidloid stay away!_

[Illustration: KIPE]

     =Kipe=, _v._ To inspect critically; to appraise pragmatically; to eye
     with jealousy or envy.

     =Kipe=, _n._ A woman’s glance at another woman.

Up and down, from hat to heel, women kipe each other insolently as they
pass. In subway or in street-car, every woman who enters is kiped by her
shrewd-eyed sisters. In that keen first glance, every article of the new
comer’s raiment is appraised. (See _Flooijab_.)

So, at the employment agency, the housewife kipes the cook, and cook
kipes housewife, each turning away with the thought, “She won’t do for
me.” (See _Snosh_.)

Employer kipes the applicant for position, accepts or rejects. The
poker-player, with his last blue chip in the pot, kipes his four-card
draw. The fastidious smoker kipes the gift cigar. The golfer kipes his
“lie.”

Says Aunt Samanthy Hanks to Mary Jane at the county fair, as she kipes
the patchwork bedquilts in the gallery, “Mine’s better’n her’n.” Says
the mother of the bride, as she kipes the wedding presents spread out on
the table, “H’m! his folks must be close-fisted.” (See _Gefoojet_.)

As you whiz, motoring through the park, a car flashes by--but not too
fast for your automobile host to kipe it: “1913 36-6 ‘Strangler’-- No
good!”

So do the village girls kipe the strange young man in town.

    _Carlotta kipes at Ermyntrude,
      And Ermyntrude at Rose;
    And every stitch that each has on
      Each other lady knows._

    _Each lady knows the other’s faults,
      Her quality and size,
    And just how old and good she is;
      Would men were half as wise!_

     =Krip´sle=, _n._ A worrying physical sensation, an invisible
     annoyance absorbing one’s attention.

     =Krip´sly=, _a._ Distracting, distrait, unmentionably provocative.

Walking on spilt sugar is kripsly.

That fugitive morsel of walnut-meat in the cavity of your bi-cuspid,
which your tongue chases so thoughtfully, but in vain--a fascinating
kripsle, as kripsly as a loose tooth! (See _Vorge_.)

Has a hairpin fallen down your back? Smile, and don’t be kripsly; beware
that faraway look that tells the story! And when through that hole in
your stocking your big toe sticks out, don’t be kripsled!

The ancient Stoics, like the modern Christian Scientists, declared that
all kripsles were Error. But Mortal Mind knows full well that when you
have both hands and arms full of bundles, the drop that hangs, pulling
at the end of your nose, is a kripsle hard to bear--it cannot be snuffed
in or shaken off.

The philosopher may be calm, even while his foot is awakening from a
sound sleep; the poet may not lose his inspiration even with a hair in
his mouth; but to plain John W. Smith, of 101 Eighth Avenue, a kripsle
is as disturbing as a broken elbow, or a bleeding poached egg in its
death agony. (See _Slub_.)

    _Perhaps you think that smile you caught,
      Her introspective air,
    Her pensive mien--is caused by thought
      Too shy for you to share._

    _Ah, so it is! With all your tact
      You fail. It is no use!
    For she is kripsled by the fact
      That her left garter’s loose._

     =Lal´li-fac-tion=, _n._ A verbose story, a joke repeated.

     =Lal´li-fy=, _v._ 1. To act too slowly; to delay. 2. To give an
     over-painstaking or super-elaborate performance.

Did you ever hear an Englishman lallify his conversation with, “What I
mean to say is this,” and “if you know what I mean” and “do you see”? So
the shop girl lallifies her talk with “Listen here!” or “Say, listen!”
while she gropes for an idea. The preacher, barren of fresh thoughts,
lallifies his meager sermon. “Fourthly, beloved brethren--” (See
_Drillig_.)

A “talky” play is lallified till the house walks out. Like a song sung
too slowly, so is the lallified talk of the young man who doesn’t want
to escort that particular girl home. (See _Vorge_ and _Xenogore_.)

The lallified book: Wide, wide margins and thick, thick paper--or, maybe
it is lallified only with adjectives or adverbs.

Have you ever heard that man Gerrish tell his favorite story, lallifying
it with dialect-dialogue till you yawned? Then, after you have forced a
laugh, he lallifies the point with reminiscent unction, repeating it
reflectively, itching for more applause.

The consummate lallification is two women saying good-bye to each other.
(See _Wumgush_.)

    _For months and months the Hemmingways
      Have lallified of Baby,
    How Baby walks and talks and plays--
      And have I listened? Maybe._

    _But now the time has come, today,
      To lallify that pair;
    For I am working on a play,
      And talk about it there!_

     =Le´o-lump=, _n._ 1. An interrupter of conversations; one who always
     brings the talk back to himself. 2. An egoist; one who thinks you
     are necessarily interested in what interests him.

“When I was in Italy,” I began, carelessly--

“Oh, dear, I’ve never been out of New York!” she whined. “I do wish I
could go to Italy sometime!”

She was a leolump. I could not mention anything without her applying it
to herself. The word “objective” was not in her dictionary.

The leolump always caps your story with one stranger and bigger than
yours. He has acquired the art of the superlative. (See _Persotude_.)

Talk to a leolump actor of logarithms, and in an instant he will prove
relationship; he can show himself to be first cousin to the
carbo-hydrates in a congress of foreign chemists.

Conversation? Impossible when a leolump is present. Even if he has the
civility not to interrupt, which he hasn’t, the minute you stop speaking
he is astride his hobby and riding himself to social suicide. (See
_Blurb_.)

He has a million subjects ready in the pigeon-hole marked “I.”

Women are seldom leolumps, for they never allow the conversation to
depart from the subject of themselves. And so they never have to
interrupt, or bring the topic back.

    _He breaks into your talk, and cries,
      “Oh, that reminds me,”--then
    Oh, how his tale your patience tries!
      But you begin again._

    _A leolump you cannot shame;
      His head is like a fly’s;
    His brain is small, but all the same,
      He has a thousand “I’s.”_

     =Loob´lum=, _n._ 1. A pleasant thing that is bad for one; rich, but
     dangerous food. 2. A flatterer; flattery.

     =Loob´loid=, _a._ 1. Sweet, but indigestible.

Loobloid is the broiled live lobster and the hot mince pie. Loobloid,
ice water when you are warm and whiskey when you are cold.

But human nature still woos the looblum. For youthful
inexperience, green apples and the first cigar; for age, ennui and
discouragement,--opium, morphine and cocaine.

Yes, all those things of which the bromide says, “I like them, but they
don’t like me,” are loobloid. Black coffee at night and a cocktail in
the morning--both are looblums.

And yet, the mental looblums are worse; corroding the character with
sweetest poisons. How rapturously we gulp them down! You ask criticism
on what you know is bad, and enjoy the loobloid praise. On his opening
night, the ambitious playwright makes his speech in answer to the
looblums of applause. (See _Wumgush_.)

On the morning after her wedding-day, the blue-nosed bride reads
loobloid descriptions of her beauty at the ceremony.

Most loobloid, but most sweet! The flattery of the fond and doting
parent. (See _Culp_.)

    _My after-dinner speech was lame,
      No gift of gab is mine;
    The chairman praised me, all the same,
      He said my talk was fine._

    _I had been terrified, and I
      Made blunders that were frightful;
    The chairman lied--but what’s a lie?
      His looblum was delightful!_

     =Ma-chiz´zlum=, _n._ 1. A thinly disguised boredom. 2. A
     disappointing spectacle. 3. The apotheosis of the obvious.

     =Ma-chiz´zle=, _v._ 1. To attempt unsuccessfully to please. 2. To try
     too hard to like something.

Pageants, processions and picnics are all machizzlums; for well you know
before they start, that boredom shall be yours. Why does one stand
jammed, crowded, uncomfortable, peering over bobbing heads at men in
curious costumes marching by? Why endure the long waits of the
machizzlum? After it is over, one wonders why he has just consented to
be machizzled.

Almost every motion picture show is a machizzlum to sane-brained folk.
So is watching the election returns, or an automobile race where there
are no accidents, or a partial eclipse of the moon.

Do you call upon a belle? Do you try to converse with the “popular” man?
Surely you will be machizzled. Don’t try to read the book that has been
too widely praised; what everyone likes, is sure to be a machizzlum.
(See _Ovotch_.)

The easiest way to be machizzled, is to fall in love with an actress.

The young, young girl smirks and smiles and blushing, says: “O Mr. Poet,
tell me, when did you first find you had this power?” But to the less
sentimental herd, the great machizzlum is to be introduced to a
celebrity. (See _Yowf_.)

    _It costs you ten to see the sight,
      The weather always lowers;
    Your seat is narrow, hard and tight,
      You wait for hours and hours;_

    _And when at last the thing is o’er,
      And the last red light has fizzled
    You know the thing has been a bore;
      Once more you’ve been machizzled!_

     =Meem=, _n._ An artificial half light that women love; a charitable
     obscurity; a becoming gloom.

     =Meem´y=, _a._ Obscure, dim, uncertain.

From a brilliantly lighted hall outside, you plunge into the meemy
parlors wherein shadows flit, vague, uncertain. You stumble over a rug.
A silhouette rises and comes forth to meet you. How many are there
there? Who are they? Mysterious is the meem!

Meemy is that uneasy, tantalizing obscurity, that depressed
semi-darkness that women who-would-be-artistic find so necessary for the
preservation of their charms. To a man the meem is maddening and
meaningless; if there are pretty women present, he wishes to see them.
(See _Kipe_.)

There’s a dim, religious meem, the shadowy penumbra of great
cathedrals--the sentimental meem, the sad gloom of the funeral--the
amorous meem, the starlit darkness, wherein lovers linger.

The meemy woman always sits with her back to the light, to watch you
from an ambush. (See _Squinch_.)

Candles are meemy, especially red ones--except when used properly, in
clusters.

Still, a meem does keep out the flies.

    _All meemy was the studio,
      And meemy maidens--wait!
    Say, were they maidens? Heavens, no!
      Are maidens thirty-eight?_

    _Well, anyway, they passed for such,
      For candles make a meem
    That women think disguises much.
      Things are not what they seem._

     =Moo´ble=, _n._ 1. A mildly amusing affair; a moderate success. 2. A
     person or thing over whom it is difficult to be enthusiastic.

     =Moo´bly=, _adj._, _adv._ Innocuous, feebly, without unction.

The Samoans have a word which means,
“A-party-is-approaching-which-contains-neither
-a-clever-man-nor-a-pretty-woman.”
It’s a mooble. Dancing with your own wife is a mooble--a fairly good
play, a dinner-party where the _ménu_ makes up for the _dramatis
personæ_--moobles!

Mooble is the word that “Damns with faint praise”--an “awfully nice
girl”--why not say it point blank: “She’s a mooble.” (See _Cowcat_.)

Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant--a mooble.

A tame young man--a mooble. (See _Snosh_.)

You may be a wonder with women,--leaving a trail of fire behind you as
you go--but you’re a mooble at tennis. You’re a mooble at pool, too,
although you “used to play a very good game.”

Moobly novels are written by--well, of course you know already. Moobly
foods: cornstarch custard, warm iced tea, vanilla ice cream. The
W.C.T.U. is a mooble. So is a commencement essay, and most tall, blonde
women.

But the perfect mooble is the man you used to be engaged to. (See
_Thusk_.)

    _At first I thought her a genius bright,
    Almost an angel--out of sight!
    But the second time that I went to call
    I found her a mooble, after all._

    _Only a mooble, and then she wrote,
    Oh, what a moobly, moobly note!
    And how can you wonder my love should end?
    She began her letter to me, “Dear Friend”!_

     =Moo´soo=, _a._ 1. Sulky, out of sorts, blue, taciturn, discontented.
     2. Unsuccessful; getting out of order; going wrong, delayed.

Moosoo is a mild form of “the dumps.” You are moosoo while waiting for
someone who is late, especially late for dinner; when your dress doesn’t
quite fit, or isn’t quite becoming.

Moosoo is the secondary stage of getting over acute ill humor. It is the
mood of the wife in her second year of marriage.

Moosoo is the clerk who is discontented with his position. Moosoo is the
salesman, when you return goods or exchange them. (See _Jurp_.)

Moosoo is the brakeman, when the train is delayed.

The wall-flower at the dance is moosoo, though her smiles are pungent.

Moosoo is the maiden when the young man fails to propose, although she
shows it not.

Moosoo is the interested escort, when the restaurant music is too loud
at dinner. (See _Huzzlecoo_.)

Children are moosoo, when they can’t go to the circus; the traveling
salesman, when his cigar leaks; and even the polite husband, when the
burned chops are set before him.

The weather, itself, can be moosoo, with clouds and dullness for weeks
at a time.

    _The day was moosoo; Mary Ann
      Was moosoo, so was I;
    And moosoo were the girl and man
      Whom we’d invited--why?_

    _Why did we sulk, disgusted, far
      From home, discouraged, blue?
    Because my brand new motor-car
      Alas, was moosoo, too!_

     =Nink=, _n._ 1. A useless “antique” object, preserved in worship of
     the picturesque. 2. An imitation of a by-gone style.

     =Nink´ty=, _a._ Architecturally dishonest.

You buy your ninks at “Ye Olde Shoppe” and by that “Ye”--you shall know
the ninkty. For a nink is a brass candlestick with no candle in it; the
pewter mugs and platters, unpolished, on the sideboard; the old china,
dusty and unused upon the wall; old tiles and brass knockers.

The old flax-wheel in the corner is a nink; the framed old sporting
prints of horse races and stagecoaches; the framed theatre bills.
Pompeian bronze tripods, never lighted, in hotel corridors. (See
_Gorgule_.)

A beefsteak party is a nink, and May-day dances and pageants; anything
revived, revamped for modern use. Doors, covered with nails and
decorative hinges bolted on; things sewed with thongs; imitation
parchment scrolls. Whale-oil lamps, ships’ lanterns; almost any object
of leather, copper, or brass. (See _Gefoojet_.)

Architectural ninks are imitation beams in the ceiling; hollow columns;
furniture, with imitation mortises and pegs.

The ninkiest nink of all is the framed motto on the wall, or a legend
painted over the fireplace.

    _The ninks that Mr. Parvenu
      Has bought, because “artistic,”
    Are “genuine antiques,” though you
      Call them anachronistic._

    _But still, one nink is not disgraced--
      That sun dial he got
    Is now appropriately placed;
      He put it on his yacht!_

     =Nodge=, _n._ 1. The only one of its kind or set. 2. A person who
     doesn’t “fit in;” a Martian.

     =Nod´gy=, _a._ 1. Impertinent, inconsistent, inapplicable; having no
     mate.

Wife or housewife--all women know the nodge. It’s the odd tumbler, or
odd plate,--the one button whose mates have disappeared; the one glove
that persistently turns up; the single shoe or stocking; those three
trading-stamps she doesn’t throw away.

Nodgy is that extra envelope--too small for the paper; the one chair
that doesn’t match the furniture; the lone coat, whose skirt has long
since worn out; the hat that goes with no possible gown.

Nodgy is the Methodist minister at a poker party; nodgy the cut-up at
prayer meeting, or the ugly damsel at the ball.

The modest country girl is nodgy with women who smoke cigarettes. (See
_Ovotch_.)

How long have you saved that old lace yoke--waiting for something to put
it on. Throw it away! It’s a nodge. (See _Gefoojet_.)

    _I took my aunt to see the town,
      A task I couldn’t dodge;
    At every cabaret she’d frown,
      She was a perfect nodge._

    _But when, to visit her, I went
      To Pudding Centre, Mass.,
    She took me to a gospel tent,
      I was a nodge, alas!_

     =Nul´kin=, _n._ 1. The core or inside history of any occurrence. A
     true, but secret explanation. 2. Facts known, but not told.

The “nigger-in-the-woodpile” was named Mr. Nulkin.

The object of a trial by jury is to find the nulkin of the crime.

Why were they divorced? What does she see in him? Nobody knows the
nulkin. It is the skeleton in the closet.

The nulkin is the true motive. _Cherchez la nulkin._

The diplomatic service is full of nulkins.

Why didn’t we go to war with Mexico? Did we fear Japan? What is the
nulkin?

Why did she get the part of leading lady? This is the theatrical nulkin.

Why is a book popular? Publishers strive in vain to discover the
literary nulkin. (See _Edicle_.)

Why do imitators fail? Because they copy outside traits, and not the
inmost nulkin. (See _Bripkin_.)

A nulkin is the secret thought you never tell,--the real reason why your
wife doesn’t like Sarah.

    _“What does he see in her?” we ask;
      “What does she see in him?”
    Ah, matrimonial nulkins task
      The brains of seraphim!_

    _The nulkin is what you have tried,
      And I have tried to know;
    Instead, we judge from what’s outside--
      Perhaps ’tis better so._

     =Oo´fle=, _n._ 1. A person whose name you cannot remember. 2. A state
     of forgetfulness regarding a friend or thing.

     =Oo´fle=, _v._ 1. To try to find out a person’s name without asking.
     2. To talk to an unknown person without introducing him to a nearby
     friend.

     =Oofled=, _p.p._ Mortified needlessly.

“How do you do, Mr. Goheevus; you don’t remember me, do you?” Are you
oofled? If you are not, you will say, “No, why should I?” But alas, one
usually _is_ oofled, and struggles desperately to conceal the fact,
groping wildly in the well of one’s memory for the lost name, while
one’s friends stand about reproachfully, waiting to be introduced.

Any person whose name is Baker is an oofle,--or Brown, or Davis. The
other most celebrated oofles are Harris, Johnson, Miller, Palmer, Pratt,
Porter, Stevens, Simpson, Richards, Roberts, Taylor, Wheeler and Wilson.
Can you ever tell one from another? No, not even if the pistol is held
to your head! (See _Iobink_.)

Of course what’s an oofle to you may not be oofly to me, especially if
my name is Goheevus. (See _Mooble_.) But everyone is oofled by a hostess
who mumbles her introductions. (See _Cowcat_.)

    _No wonder I was oofled, for,
      Although I knew his face,
    In some way, for the life of me,
      His name I couldn’t place;_

    _Now, was it Harris, Johnson, Brown,
      Or Palmer, Jones or Platt?
    He was an Oofle, anyway--
      There was no doubt of that!_

     =O-ro-bal´di-ty=, _n._ 1. Modern witchcraft; Orientalism adapted to
     Occidental intellects; Emerson-and-milk. 2. An alleged process of
     getting wise quickly; a short cut to success.

Orobaldity in its most acute form, _i. e._, Vedantic philosophy with the
asceticism left out, is particularly affected by females who are not
willing to gain success or happiness through mere effort. It consists of
gambling with the intellect, in order to gain a dishonest percentage of
mental profit.

Orobaldity is, in the main, a modern magic supposed to be controlled by
cryptic phrases and abracadabra such as “into the silence” and “holding
the thought.” It is not necessary to know the esoteric meaning of such
charms, or to exert any actual energy in obtaining one’s desires. (See
_Gubble_.)

Orobaldity is a thing of “vibrations” and “thought currents” and is
founded mainly upon analogies with wireless telegraphy and other modern
scientific discoveries. It finds occult meanings in colors and numbers.

Orobaldity is medieval mysticism, mainly practised by women who have
nothing else to do. (See _Mooble_.)

Actresses out of work find in orobaldity a good substitute for trying to
get an engagement. Neurotic and erotic temperaments find it an admirable
stimulant to egoism.

    _First she was a Christian Scientist,
      And then a New Thought daughter;
    Next she became a Theosophist,
      Then Bahaiism caught her._

    _But now her Occultism wanes,
      Astrology dispelling;
    Her Orobaldity remains
      As just plain Fortune-Telling._

     =O´votch=, _n._ 1. One who does things merely because others do. One
     swayed by popular crazes, the victim of custom. 2. A currently
     popular fad or form of amusement.

To-day, baseball is an ovotch; dancing, whist, golf, Eurythmics,
Eugenics, Kelly pool and Burgess Unabridged. (See _Blurb_.)

Golf is a re-ovotch, a revival of an obsolete sport. The popular tune of
the day is an ovotch; the current slang; the fad of the hour in custom
and costume.

Past is the ovotch of the bicycle, croquet and archery; to-morrow the
ovotch may be put upon flying, skin-tight trousers, or free love. (See
_Thusk_.)

One ovotch will never be revived, the family reciter, with her vox
humana tremulo voice.

    _In Grandma’s time, the ovotch quaint
      Was to be meek and modest;
    She used to have the “vapors”--(faint)
      She was so tightly bodiced._

    _What is the ovotch for a maid
      To-day? The gown that lets
    Her lissome figure be displayed,--
      And smoking cigarettes._

     =Pa-loo´dle=, _n._ 1. One who gives unnecessary or undesired
     information. 2. Uncalled-for advice. 3. A recital of obvious
     details.

     =Pa-loo´dle=, _v._ To give the above; to assume omniscience.

     =Pa-loo´dlum.= A paloodle talk.

Have you ever in the theatre sat in front of a gabby gent, who paloodles
his girl with the story of the play, announcing each entrance and exit?

The paloodle is ubiquitous; at the baseball game, he explains each play;
at the pool-table, he tells you what you ought to do, or should have
done. He is proficient in the knowledge of how to run other people’s
business. (See _Drillig_.)

Old maids paloodle you with advice on how to train your children, or how
to manage a husband. (See _Lallify_.)

A horse falls on the slippery pavement. Immediately it is surrounded
with paloodles, suggesting blankets, and straps and buckles, and “Sit on
its head.” It’s the paloodle’s head that should be sat upon.

The stage manager paloodles the actor: “You cross here,” he says; and,
“You want to cry all through that scene.” No wonder the dramatic critic
also paloodles the actor on the opening night. (See _Yowf_ and
_Edicle_.)

Paloodling the baby is the favorite occupation of the second year of
married life. “How to cure a cold,” a paloodlum in six parts.

    _Each base was full, the score was tied,
      The strikes they numbered two;
    Still that paloodle at my side
      Paloodled me and you!_

    _The inning was the ninth, alas,
      But the end I did not see--
    For I was murdering the ass
      Who’d been paloodling me!_

     =Paw´dle=, _n._ 1. One who is vicariously famous, rich or
     influential. 2. A person of mediocre ability, raised to undeserved
     prominence.

     =Paw´dle=, _v._ To wear another’s clothes.

You all know him, the pawdle, or her, who pawdles in unpaid-for
prosperity.

The husband of the famous wife, or the wife of a Star.

The child of a celebrity; the daughter of a president. (See _Yowf_.)

The editor of an Anthology, or a translator. An adopted child. A woman
with dyed hair. An officer of the militia. An American countess. The
author of a privately printed book. (See _Edicle_.)

To pawdle is to go to the theatre on passes; to ride in other people’s
automobiles, to use hotel or club stationery.

To pawdle is the poor husband of the rich wife; also the husband of the
industrious vaudeville artiste, or the farmer, who lets Florrie do all
the work, while he talks politics at the village store. (See
_Hyprijimp_.)

Behold Brother Pawdle, the Past Grand Worthy Superior Thingamajig, of
the Glorified Order of Pawdles, in his transcendental uniform and gold
sword! He is really the book-keeper of a fish-shop.

    _Only a pawdle--don’t tell her so,
      For she thinks, as pawdles do,
    She is sought because of herself, you know;
      But you know that that isn’t true._

    _Only a pawdle--but never mind,
      For she’ll die in due season, when
    Her proper place she will really find--
      Not even a pawdle, then!_

     =Per´so-tude=, _n._ Social warmth, personal magnetism, charm.

     =Per´so-mag=, _n._ The unit of social favor.

A man charged to the highest voltage of persotude could borrow any
amount of money. The charge fluctuates in the same person. After a good
dinner, one vibrates sometimes up to 7,000 persomags. Cocktails,
compliments and social success make one buzz with persotude. (See
_Gubble_.)

Anyone troubled with negative persotude should take a rest cure and test
his recovery by trying to sell life insurance, which requires the
greatest sparking charge. (See _Spuzz_.)

Persotude is independent of beauty, though it is hard to make a woman
believe it. Getting rich adds to one’s persotude,--but not always.
Rockefeller’s persotude is less than 6-1/2 persomags. (See _Yowf_.)

Nicknames are prime evidence of rich persotude.

The highest persomags in America are Roosevelt, Christie Matthewson and
Maude Adams.

    _When Walter, at his Sunday School
      Declaimed “The Old Front Gate,”
    They flattered so the little fool
      His persotude was great._

    _He went upon the stage and planned
      To be a tragic hero,
    He never even got a “hand”--
      His persotude was zero._

     =Pooje=, _n._ 1. An embarrassing situation; a sense of guilt; a
     regrettable discovery. 2. One who is caught in the act.

     =Pooje=, _v._ To make a painful discovery; unwittingly to create a
     scene.

     =Poojed=, _p.p._ Disconcerted, mortified, aghast.

A pooje is a sudden desire to become invisible; as when, entertaining
company, the neat housewife sees a cockroach crawl along the floor.

John was kissing Mary, when Eliza opened the door. It was a pooje. John
and Mary were poojed good. But even this wasn’t as bad as when John
tried to kiss Eliza. She poojed him. “Sir!” she said, “how _dare_ you?”

Last night I dreamed that I was standing on the corner of Forty-second
Street and Broadway at 10-45 P.M. just as the theatre crowd swept by.
Yes, of course you know the sensation well--I was in my night-gown, with
bare feet! Was I poojed? Rath-_er_! (See _Agowilt_.)

Also, you can get poojed merely by trying to step up a top stair which
doesn’t happen to be there, or by being caught putting one cent in the
contribution-plate.

Never listen at the keyhole when a man and his wife are quarreling
inside; he may suddenly open the door and pooje you. (See _Bimp_.)

    _Said Parks to his stenographer,
      “All ready? Well, take this!”
    And then Parks gave the girl a hug,
      And then gave her a kiss._

    _Just then the door was opened wide,
      And his surprise was huge--
    ’Twas Parks’s wife; he nearly died,
      For Parks was in a pooje!_

     =Quink=, _n._ 1. An expression or mood of anxious expectancy;
     absorbed determination.

     =Quinked=, _p.p._ Haggardly resolute, with the excitement of
     suspense.

     =Quink´y=, _a._ Tense, uncertain, fearful.

A quink is the Welch rarebit face, the expression of one serving at
tennis, or playing a difficult pool shot,--lifting the ball out of a bad
golf hazard.

Women are quinked when they open a telegram; a boy, as he lights a
fire-cracker. A girl, when in front of the glass, as she turns around to
see if her underskirt is hanging down behind. A man, when he reads the
ticker tape, during a panic, or is buttoning up the back of his wife’s
dress.

A waiter is quinked when his customer takes the change from the
plate--how much will be the tip? The cook, when she is trying the candy
in a cup of cold water. The mother, as she waits for the fever to turn.
(See _Squinch_.)

A quink is that expression you have on your face just before the tooth
is pulled; the minute before the flashlight goes off; when she pulls the
trigger of the gun.

You are quinked when you wait for someone who is late, or when you hurry
to catch the last train, with only four seconds to spare.

The fat man’s face is quinked, when he tries to tie his own shoes. It is
the face of the man, swimming under water, or of the playwright, on his
opening night. (See _Snosh_.)

    _On Henry’s face the lines were set,
      Distraught, he frowned and blinked;
    Why? He was all alone, and yet
      He was severely quinked._

    _He heard the bell, but to the door
      He dared not go, to-day;
    For he was quinked until that bore
      At last had walked away._

     =Quis´ty=, _a._ Useful and reliable but not ornamental.

     =Quis´ter=, _n._ A person or thing that is beloved for its
     efficiency, character or worth, rather than for decorative value.

She was not beautiful, but she was business-like; she knew how to spell
“its” and “it’s” and “there” and “their” and “they’re.” Her employer did
not propose to her or take her out to dinner, but he would not have
parted with her for a fortune. She was quisty. (See _Splooch_.)

The little tin motor-car your sporting friends call a “road-louse” will
go as far as his gas-drinking, tire-burning, oil-consuming “Complex” and
for one-tenth the money. It isn’t pretty, and it isn’t expensive, but
it’s quisty.

Your jimmy-pipe is quisty, and so is that old mangy dressing-gown and
that comfortable, worn pair of corsets, and those shabby shoes you hate
to throw away. (See _Gefoojet_.)

Awful were the ugly apartments of the 80’s, but the rooms were large and
airy; no such quisty flats nowadays.

Do you use an old-fashioned barber-style razor? Why? Because it’s
quisty. That’s why you use that prehistoric stylographic pen, instead of
a fountain, with a stiff, scratchy nib. (See _Wijjicle_.)

Is your faithful, sympathetic wife a quister? Remember, it’s always the
best-looking women who go through the divorce courts.

    _A pretty maid had Mrs. Slade,
      And Mr. Slade admired her;
    He used to glance at her askance
      So much the Mrs. fired her._

    _A quisty maid now cooks for Slade,
      She’s uglier and thinner,
    But Mrs. Slade is much dismayed;
      Slade won’t come home to dinner._

     =Quoob=, _n._ 1. A misfit, an incompetent person. 2. A person or
     thing obviously out of place. 3. One not worldly wise.

     =Quoob=, _v._ To act differently than the rest; to commit a solecism;
     to be in the wrong place.

As you stand on the doorstep arrayed in your best, a sudden pang smites
you. The door is opened. There is a look of blank astonishment, as you
are ushered in. No hostess comes to greet you, no gay appareled guests
are there. You are a quoob. The dinner is _next_ Thursday, not to-night.
(See _Zobzib_.)

Which is worse, to be the only one in evening dress, when all the rest
are modestly clad, or to be yourself in street-clothes, surrounded by
low-necks and jewelry? In either case, you are a quoob.

If you are a natural born quoob, you are the only one of all the
audience to applaud, or cheer. At that sudden lull in the conversation,
you are the one to speak aloud. “No, I must say, I prefer the
old-fashioned night-gowns.”

Sadly the quoob waits in the drug-store for the girl who never comes.
(See _Quink_.) He goes to a party thought to be smart, to find he is the
only one of importance.

A woman who is too tall is a quoob, or a man who is too short. So are
you, when in rain coat and rubbers, after the sun has come out, or
returning home in the morning, in your last night’s dress suit.

    _I dreamed that I went out to walk
      In but my nightshirt clad!
    I was a Quoob; I could not talk;
      Oh, what a time I had!_

    _But that was nothing to my plight
      When dining with Miss Lee--
    They all wore evening clothes that night
      Except one Quoob--’twas me!_

[Illustration: QUOOB]

     =Rawp=, _n._ 1. A reliably-unreliable person. 2. One who means well.
     3. A kind of husband.

     =Raw´pus=, _a._ 1. Dilatory. 2. Semi-efficient.

The rawp can be absolutely depended upon to forget to bring “that book”
he borrowed and that now you need.

Unreliable? Oh, you can depend upon him never to keep any engagement
promptly; you would so much rather that he would fail utterly--then you
could properly scorn and suppress him. (See _Zobzib_.)

But he _does_ answer his letters--after a while. He _does_ mail
letters--after they are sufficiently smooched and crumpled in his coat
pocket. The rawp, like the zobzib, is almost always late for the train,
late enough at any time to give you a hygog.

Rawpus is the clerk who makes errors in his additions; the typewriter
who spells “to” in three ways--_all_ wrong, is also rawpus. (See
_Splooch_.)

“Did you get me that spool of red silk I asked you to this morning?”
said Mrs. Smith. No, he forgot it. Mr. Smith is a rawp.

“Did you ring up Green and tell him to send a man to mow the lawn?”
asked Mr. Smith. No, she didn’t; Mrs. Smith is a rawp.

And little Sammie Smith, who never goes to bed until he’s been told
seven times--what then is he? A rawpet?

    _When Mr. Rawp arrived, the boat
      Was sailing from the pier,
    And Mrs. Rawp was there, afloat--
      So far, and yet so near!_

    _No wonder Mrs. Rawp was vexed,
      For she returned, to find
    He took the steamer sailing next,
      And she was left behind!_

     =Riz´gid-get=, _n._ 1. A state of mental inertia or indecision; an
     inability to make up one’s mind; a case of rival possibilities. 2.
     One who is lazily undecided.

You get the commonest, the most usual rizgidget in the restaurant: “What
shall we have to eat?” But in seeking a gown, a hat or a wedding
present, the rizgidget is always lying in wait for you, ready to infect
you with mental sleeping sickness. It can catch you in the park and
prevent your being able to decide even which side of the fountain to
pass.

“Where shall we go on our vacation--to the mountains or the seashore?”
This is the rizgidget which blooms perennially on June 1st. (See
_Uglet_.)

“How much ought I to ask for it?” This is the rizgidget that has
prevented many a sale.

“Which man shall I accept?” So the popular maiden is rizgidgeted.

“It looks like rain; shall we go or stay?” “Shall we sell our stocks, or
hang on?” We cannot make up our minds; we are the victims of a
rizgidget.

Why, every time you have a dinner party, you have the rizgidgets over
whom to invite. (See _Cowcat_.)

    _A donkey with two bales of hay,
      So does the fable run,
    Rizgidgeted the livelong day,
      Deciding on “which one?”_

    _So, with a stupid brain that’s stirred
      By sluggish fuss and fidget,
    Deciding what to name this word
      Do I delay--rizgidget!_

     =Rowtch=, _n._ One who has elaborate gastronomic technique.

     =Rowtch=, _v._ 1. To accomplish strange maneuvers over food by means
     of a knife and fork. 2. To eat audibly or with excessive unction.

For the “Kansas City” or “banjo grip,” the rowtch, taking the fork in
his left hand, places his thumb and little finger below, while the
first, second and third fingers, as if touching the strings, press down
upon the top of the instrument. (See _Wog_.)

The “Texan” grip is still more desperate; the fork is gripped as if
about to stab--indeed it does stab, too!

Rowtching, however, can be done with a knife, as in the well known
operation upon the tonsils, incidental to meals among our lower classes;
the knife may be used to rowtch peas, or as a tool in that form of
food-modeling which children affect.

More delicate and refined, more dainty and feminine is that form of
rowtching which consists in jabbing a piece of meat upon the fork and
adding dabs of potato, turnip and gravy until the utensil is heaped with
its heterogeneous burden. Mashing and smoothing down of potato and
smearing it with butter affords the rowtch opportunity for his plastic
skill, or you may swirl your soda water glass.

Vegecide, the cutting of cooked potatoes and garden truck with a knife,
is the only rowtch that obtains in high life.

    _A conscientious eater was
      My mother’s Uncle Bill;
    We liked to see him eat, because
      He liked to eat his fill._

    _And when he’d rowtched the meat and bread
      And things all out of sight,
    He pushed away his plate and said
      “Lord, where’s my appetite!”_

     =Skinje=, _v._ To feel shudderingly; to annoy your fingers; to shrink
     from; to set your teeth on edge.

     =Skinjed=, _p.p._ To have one’s tactile nerves outraged.

     =Skin´jid=, _a._ Harsh, rough or gritty.

Did you ever skinje a broken finger-nail on satin? “Alias, Jimmy
Valentine” can rub his finger-tips on sandpaper, but it’s too skinjid
for poor little Me.

My Aunt Eliza’s hands are skinjid; no wonder, she _will_ wash them in
soft-soap. And every time I kiss her chapped lips, I am horribly
skinjed. (See _Vorge_.)

James Whitcomb Riley, in a pathetic little verse, tells of a sensitive,
delicate young lady who loved to draw her finger-nails in long, sweet
scratches down the plastered walls, skinjing them pathetically. You and
I prefer to scratch bricks or blackboards--they are more skinjid. Do new
towels skinje you? Do you skinje at wet velvet? Can you bite a skinjid
file? Your collar--has it a skinjid edge?

“Put more starch in them lace curtains before you iron ’em,” says Mrs.
O’Hatchet to the hired girl. “Mr. Masters always likes to feel of ’em
before he goes to bed.” (See _Kripsle_.)

    _As skinjid as a plaster wall,
      As skinjid as a file,
    So is the world when I am broke;
      I cannot laugh or smile._

    _But when my purse is full and fat
      I know no teasing twinge;
    I meet so much to giggle at
      Nothing can make me skinje!_

     =Sky´scrim-ble=, _v._ 1. To go off at a tangent; to fly into space.
     2. To make a wild flight from an untenable intellectual position.

The acrobat on the flying trapeze skyscrimbles in a thrilling arc from
perch to perch. So skyscrimbles the philosopher into words of seven
syllables, when you ask him about the Deity. (See _Gubble_ and
_Edicle_.)

A woman caught in an inconsistency skyscrimbles through an hour of
fantastic argument.

When Wilson won, red Republicans skyscrimbled up into the Democratic
fold. (See _Eegot_.)

Tell a Socialist that “You can’t change human nature,”--he skyscrimbles
in Marxian metaphysics.

So, when you complain of your laundry, or your telephone service, or the
railroad company’s neglect, men skyscrimble, passing the blame from one
to another.

Ask one actress about another’s age.... “Why, she was in the Murray Hill
Stock Company when Dustin Farnum used to” ... etc., etc., etc.... A
skyscrimble.

    _I asked a Suffragette one day,
      Whose wits were neat and nimble,
    Why she had rouged her cheeks that way--
      She did a quick skyscrimble._

    _I told a man ’twas funny that
      His overcoat was new
    While wifey wore her last year’s hat--
      And he skyscrimbled, too!_

     =Slub=, _n._ 1. A mild illness, that does not really incapacitate. 2.
     A “headache.” 3. An indisposition, manufactured for an especial
     occasion.

     =Slub´by=, _a._ Feeling the necessity of a good excuse.

A slub is a cold, a headache, a boil or any affection in the
disreputable underworld of disease. There’s nothing of the aristocracy
of pain in the slub. It is, so to speak, a mere working illness.

Men’s slubs, however, are more intense than women’s. A man when he has a
slub, says, “Oh pshaw! it’s nothing.” But he expects, all the same, to
be assiduously attended. Every woman in the household must minister to
his misery. (See _Varm_.)

Women have slubs innumerable, and for the most part say nothing about
them, unless they want an excuse for staying away from a party. When the
society woman has a slub, she sends for a good looking doctor. (See
_Alibosh_.)

Children, however, are oftener slubby--when they don’t want to go to
school or to church the slub works overtime. (See _Uglet_ and _Moosoo_.)

Shop-girls are not allowed to have slubs.

    _“I have a slub!” the maiden said,
      “I cannot go with you.
    “You’ll have to go without me, Fred!”
      And Fred felt slubby, too._

    _But when, at ten o’clock, or so,
      He found his girl disdainful
    Maxixing with his hated foe
      Fred’s slub grew really painful!_

     =Snosh=, _n._ 1. Vain talk; 1000 words to the square idea. 2. A
     talker from whom no results are expected; one who cannot be taken
     seriously. 3. A project or enterprise that is born dead.

Wall Street is where the snosh abounds. Advertise, circularize, collect
and disappear--that’s how they work the gold-mine snosh. (See
_Alibosh_.)

Queer, isn’t it--a man who’s always “full of schemes” is always a snosh,
while a crank with one idea may succeed. Why? A snosh is always
imitating something. He is the theatrical manager who follows up a
successful play with a third-rate duplicate.

But, talking about plays, did you ever talk to a society woman who was
writing one? It’s a snosh. In the first place, she won’t finish it until
the year 1977 and then it will take her a double-lifetime to find a big
enough fool to produce it. Broadway is lined with snoshes--but the word
isn’t necessarily theatrical. The smart restaurant that insists on
evening dress is a snosh--and so is an actress who says she loves you.

In Reno dwells the married snosh. Any wedding performed upon a bride and
groom under the age of 25 is a snosh. So is a marriage with a Count.
(See _Pawdle_.)

    _Miss Pittsburgh swore that she would wed
      A title, and by Gosh,
    Miss Pittsburgh did; her father paid
      A million for a snosh._

    _And now, although he swears at her,
      It is a Count that swears,
    And over eyes he’s black-and-blued
      A coronet she wears!_

     =Spigg=, _n._ 1. Any decoration of overt vanity. 2. Extrinsic charms.
     3. Things worn obviously to attract notice.

     =Spig´get-y=, _a._ Prinked, elaborately adorned.

Paint, powder, dyed hair, court plaster patches, artificial dimples,
highly manicured and rouged nails, blacking under the eyes, whiting
under the chin, rouged ears, lead-penciled eyebrows, loaded eye-lashes
are spigg. (See _Wowze_.)

Jewelry is spigg; spigg is the treasure-chest of would-be beauty, the
ammunition of the bogus Cupid.

In some latitudes, ladies are spigged with tattoo marks and nose-rings;
in others, with marceled hair and low-necked gowns. (See _Varm_.)

Men spigg themselves with fancy socks and curled moustaches. In the
cart-horse parade, Old Dobbin spiggs his braided tail with ribbons.

For spigg is nothing but a vanity that is not ashamed to advertise
itself; but advertising is one of the most difficult of arts, wherefore
now its appeal is as grotesque as the three fat seasick plumes in the
dowager’s hair, and now it is as delicate as the violets in a
debutante’s bosom.

    _So spiggety was cousin Grace,
      When I was there last night,
    I could not even see her face;
      She was a shocking sight!_

    _“Why all this flour and whitewash, dear?
      Why so much black-and-red?”
    “Because I’d feel so nude, this year,
      Without my spigg,” she said._

     =Spil´lix=, _n._ 1. Undeserved good luck; accidental success. 2. A
     lucky stroke, beyond one’s normal ability.

     =Spil´lix-y=, _a._ Exceptional, lucky, uncharacteristic. Untrue to
     “form.”

At pool, tennis or golf, the spillix aids the amateur with proverbial
luck. A spillix is winning a prize in the lottery; is the business deal,
that unexpectedly goes through; is meeting an influential friend when
you are in your best clothes. Getting a position by inadvertently
happening to be right on the spot.

A bargain is a spillix; an exciting conversation overheard on the
telephone. (See _Frowk_.)

Thousands of people, intending to cross on the Titanic, took the next
boat following--and boasted of the spillix.

It’s a spillix, to find money in the street; also to discover that the
chaperon is more charming than the girl herself. Through a spillix, you
blunder into success. (See _Zobzib_.)

Every young May that weds a rich old December, prays for a spillix, but
he seldom dies to leave her a fascinating widow in becoming robes of
black.

A spillix is a lucid interval, or the bright remark of a fool.

    _His first shot to the bull’s eye flew--
      He would not shoot--for then
    It was a spillix, and he knew
      He would not score again._

    _So, when he wed the girl he sought,
      We thought ’twas rather funny--
    It was a spillix; for she thought,
      Alas, that he had money!_

     =Splooch=, _n._ 1. A failure, a ruin. 2. One who doesn’t know his
     business; a bad amateur. 3. Exorbitantly overpaid service.

One thinks at first naturally of a restaurant; there are more splooch
waiters than anything else in the world. Next, come servant girls, the
splooch that burns the soup and leaves the salt out of the bread. A cake
with an ingrowing stomach is a splooch. A suit of clothes that looks
anxious about the shoulderblades--wet hay--bug-eaten potato plants and
pears with worms inside--splooches all.

Most musical comedies are splooches, most stories in the magazines, most
janitors. (See _Jurp_.)

What then, of the dentist who pulls out the sound tooth by mistake, or
the surgeon who takes out your appendix but leaves his eye-glasses
inside? He’s a medico-splooch.

Then there’s the vaudeville juggler who splooches the balls and the
singer who’s off the key. (See _Snosh_.)

Every day on Wall Street ten thousand lambs make splooch investments,
hoping to become captains of finance.

    _I’ll never dine at Mack’s again;
      The splooch that slings the eats
    He makes me wait an hour, and then
      He serves me corn, for beets!_

    _Last night I ordered Irish stew,
      And there my wife’s old brooch
    That she had lost a year or two
      Was hidden in the splooch!_

[Illustration: SPLOOCH]

     =Spuzz=, _n._ 1. Mental energy, an aggressive intellect. 2. Stamina,
     force, spice.

     =Spuz´zard=, _n._ 1. An active, forceful thinker. 2. A cocktail with
     a “kick” in it.

     =Spuz´zy=, _a._ 1. Highly seasoned. Charged with brain-electricity.

Theodore Roosevelt and Kaiser Wilhelm have spuzz. Demiourgos, maker of
men, gave them an extra dash of the tabasco. (See _Persotude_.)

Spuzz in acting, in writing, or in business is what brings in the money.

Spuzz welcomes competition; it is always ready for the fray.

You can’t down the spuzzard; he is elastic, and bounces up after every
failure.

The spuzzard is the girl who could “just die dancing.” She answers her
letters the day they are received.

The farmer with no spuzz to him can never lift the mortgage; but the
spuzzy intensive Italian down the road is educating his sons to be
doctors and lawyers.

Spuzz is that getaheadative zip, tang, and racehorse enthusiasm that has
for its motto, “Do it now.”

A good Welch rarebit has spuzz; so has a dry Martini--but it’s the wrong
kind. (See _Looblum_.)

    _How I admire a Suffragette!
      No matter what she does,
    She has red corpuscles, you bet!
      She has a lot of spuzz!_

    _And yet--I would not marry her;
      But some shy, timid elf,
    Some clinging flower shall be my bride;
      I’ll find the spuzz, myself!_

     =Squinch=, _n._ A nervous, anxious state of mind; a palpitating
     desire to succeed beyond one’s deserts.

     =Squinch=, _v._ To watch and wait, hoping things will turn one’s own
     way; to anticipate.

No squinch like the sailor’s, sniffing the weather from the catheads, or
wherever he sniffs it from--unless it is the farmer, squinching for sun
or rain that will bring a harvest of crops enough to pay the interest on
the mortgage.

You squinch the stock market for a rise or fall; but no matter how you
squinch U. S. Steel Common, there’s always someone squinching it the
other way.

Then there’s the lottery squinch--or there used to be, wondering if the
winning number will end in 6.

The candidate is on the squinch before election with his ear to the
ground. President Wilson squinches Mexico as anxiously as a village girl
squinches her beau for a proposal. (See _Quink_.)

See the House Manager of a theatre in the box office squinching the
crowd coming in for the evening performance! So I squinch this word,
hoping that it will become popular.

Behind his geography, little Willie squinches his teacher, as he reads,
“The White Slaver’s Revenge,” or, “Saved by Eugenics.” (See _Kipe_.)

    _I knew that I was squinched, because
      When e’er I spoke of rings,
    Or wedding bells, or marriage laws,
      She looked unuttered things._

    _But still I flirted, standing pat,
      And did not yield an inch;
    I told her I was married--that
      Was how I fooled her squinch!_

[Illustration: TASHIVATE]

     =Tash-i-va´tion=, _n._ The art of replying by means of reciprocal
     tones.

     =Tash´i-vate=, _v._ To reply without attention; to speak aimlessly,
     or without interest, as to a child.

     =Tash´i-vat-ed=, _p.p._ Absorbed in more interesting things;
     inattentive; answered perfunctorily.

Have you acquired the art of tashivation? Can you read the newspaper
right along through your wife’s gossip, or your little daughter’s
prattle? This is the secret of true domesticity; it is the science of
being a husband.

The actress has an ear trained to distinguish emotions, and a tongue
trained to answer them without the conscious use of her brain. A friend
tells her a long, dull story, and her mind wanders through the Elysian
Fields of her own experiences, unheeding. Suddenly the tale ends--“And
there she was, right in the room with him!” What was it all about? Never
mind, the answer is easy: “Well, _what_ do you think of that?” (See
_Drillig_.)

Tashivation is answering without listening, as one speaks to a
beggar--as one talks at a crowded reception, as one answers the man who
asks for a loan.

When a man explains machinery to a woman, she tashivates, her mind on
pleasanter things; and so, when a woman explains fashions to a man. (See
_Varm_.)

    _Why do I tashivate, and say
      “Oh, yes,” and “Really?”--“Yes?”
    Because although she talks, I try
      To read my book, I guess._

    _I nod and smile, and speak, sedate;
      My wife keeps on her chatter.
    So long as I can tashivate
      Her questions do not matter._

     =Thusk=, _n._ 1. Something that has quickly passed away. 2. A
     precocious memory; an unnatural feeling of remoteness.

     =Thusk´y=, _a._ So near, and yet so far.

Thusky are the sounds in the street, as you lie ill in bed in summer.
Thusky are your old love letters, tied in blue ribbons, the last one
postmarked fully a week ago. (See _Iobink_.)

Yesterday’s newspaper is thusky, and last year’s popular song. Thusky
are the novels that six months since were talked about and read. Thusky
are last winter’s styles. (See _Gowyop_.)

While you are abroad, the American newspapers are thusky; when you are
returning, all Europe is a thusk.

Thusky is the house you once lived in; your old sweetheart of college
days.

Which is the thuskiest,--a dead actor, an ex-president, or a popular
hero, now laid on the shelf?

    _I met a thusk the other day;
      Three times I had to look
    Before I recognised him--say,
      ’Twas only Doctor Cook!_

    _How thusky, now, his polar jest!
      As thusky as the way
    A joke would sound, if ’twere expressed
      In slang of yesterday!_

     =Tin´tid-dle=, _n._ 1. An imaginary conversation. 2. A witty retort,
     thought of too late, a mental postscript.

     =Tin-tid-di-la´tion=, _n._ Optimistic day-dreaming.

Oh, the bright reply you thought of, after you had gone--the crushing
answer that you _might_ have given! Who does not know the tardy
tintiddle? The questions you forgot to ask, the terms you forgot to
make, the repairs you did not ask. _Was_ there any closet in that corner
room? Now, _did_ that include water, or not? Tintiddling comes with
tantalizing thought. (See _Iobink_.)

When you rehearsed your speech the night before, the chorus of applause
came tintiddling to your ears. And when tintiddling you proposed to the
girl, she fell gratefully into your arms.

When in tintiddilation, you applied for that position, how noble was
your pose--how convincing were your words! But they were only
tintiddles, and tintiddles never come out as you expect. (See _Bimp_.)

Chastely tintiddling are the wedding anticipations of the bride! (See
_Jujasm_.)

    _Tintiddling vainly, I proposed
      To Kate--and was accepted.
    Next day (as you might have supposed),
      I was with scorn rejected._

    _How oft, tintiddling all alone,
      I’m witty, wise, defiant--
    But in real life, no one has known
      That I’m a mental giant!_

     =Ud´ney=, _n._ 1. A beloved bore; one who loves you but does not
     understand you; a fond, but stupid relative. 2. An old friend whom
     you have outgrown.

Your mother, your doting aunt, your dull, but affectionate husband, your
favorite brother’s wife; or the man your sister is engaged to--udneys
all. You hate to hurt their feelings; would they not do anything in the
world for you? You go to them in your troubles and you forget them in
your pleasures. You hate to write to them, but manage to scrawl hasty
and vapid notes. (See _Uglet_.)

The udney gives you gifts of clothing you can’t possibly wear, and
expects you to rave over them.

Or, the udney is someone who likes you more than you like him. He is
like an affectionate dog, always under foot or licking your hand.

In the pathetic slavery that women endure, not the slavery of women to
men--but that of women to women--the udney has the master hand. The
blindly doting parent, whose daughter “has no secrets from her,” rules
with a rod of sugar. Though her daughter may be old enough to have to
“touch up” her hair--yet so long as she has a “Miss” before her name
will it be her doom to be the willing slave and pet of an unconscious
udney. (See _Varm_.)

    _Jane’s mother nothing did forbid;
      She was an udney, though--
    Because, whatever Janey did
      Her mother had to know._

    _“Of course he’ll marry you,” one day,
      She said to guilty Jane,
    “Or else why should he kiss you, pray?”
      How could the girl explain!_

     =Ug´let=, _n._ 1. An unpleasant duty. 2. Something one puts off too
     long.

     =Ug´gle=, _v._ 1. To procrastinate respecting the inevitable. 2. To
     do something one dislikes.

Having to have your teeth filled is an uglet; you wait and wait, trying
to find the time--and the courage.

Getting up early in the morning is an uglet; inquiring regularly about
convalescents; and getting a spring hat, or a new fall suit--delaying
until you are the last one in town. (See _Vorge_.)

It’s an uglet to clean your top bureau drawer; and calling on the
Wilsons--darning your stockings--or buying a wedding present, or having
your picture taken. (See _Digmix_.)

“Oh, I’ve simply _got_ to do that!” But--how long you delay in inviting
the Ransoms to dinner! It’s an uglet.

Paying the doctor’s bill is the universal uglet. (See _Igmoil_.) But
answering letters from people you haven’t seen for a long time is worse.

    _It was an uglet that I feared;
      It grew, and grew, and grew,
    And long I had to dree my weird--
      That deed I dared not do;_

    _And yet it must be done! In fear,
      Unto my wife, I said:
    “Your hat is NOT becoming, dear--
      You never should wear red!”_

     =Unk=, _n._ 1. An unwelcome present, an inappropriate, undesirable or
     distasteful gift. 2. A duplicate wedding present. 3. A souvenir, or
     picture postcard.

These are the classic unks that women give to men--unwearable neckties,
hand-embroidered suspenders, smokeless cigars--“La Flor de Chinatown!”
They give them sleeve-button unks, unks made of shiny black leather.
“It’s _so_ hard to find gifts for a man!” (See _Gefoojet_.)

Men give in return, feminine unks--flowers that don’t match a girl’s
gown; perfumery in fancy bottles; a dozen pairs of gloves of an off
color; souvenir jewelry boxes with pictures of the State Capitol on top;
impossible paper cutters; ivory handled nail files elaborately carved,
that will not file. (See _Quisty_ and _Diabob_.)

Women of uncertain age receive unks in the form of bed-shoes, with an
old-maid implication; linen collars, with stiff tabby-cat bows in front,
disgustingly neat--“so nice for business!” There they are, in back of
the bureau drawer, yellowing with age.

When you were married, you received thirty-four wedding unks; nine pie
knives and forty-five pickle forks.

A gold pencil that won’t write is an unk; so is that padded seal volume
of Tennyson on the shelf beneath the center table. (See _Gorgule_.)

    _What is an unk? That thing that lies
      Upon your bureau, there!
    You have outlived your first surprise;
      You do not even care._

    _Its faint and foolish life is done,
      It is a mere negation;--
    An unused souvenir of one
      Without imagination!_

     =Varm=, _n._ 1. The quintessence of sex. 2. One who is
     characteristically womanish or man-like.

     =Var´mic=, _a._ Monosexually psychologic. 2. Provoking intersexual
     antipathy.

A man in love thinks himself attracted to a woman because she is
feminine, and different from him; in reality, it is because he thinks
she is different from other women. He does not discover her varm. Other
girls are vain, tricky, deceitful and illogical--_she_ is a creature
unique.

But, when he is married, she becomes unexpectedly varmic. He watches her
egoistic poses before the mirror, and the first time their
“togetherness” is broken by her confidential delights with another
woman, he sees her varm.

To a man, there is something he hates in woman, if not in women. It’s
the subtle antipathy of sex--the things women tell each other--the
things they _do_--it’s the varm.

But so women secretly hate men--hate their childishness, their
superiority, their insanity and their blindness.

“Just like a woman!” So do men voice their varm.

Your wife’s bureau drawers are varmic. So is a tea-room, or a woman’s
club, or a co-educational college, or the ladies’ dressing room of a
fashionable restaurant. (See _Spigg_.)

Smoking tobacco is no longer varmic. (See _Ovotch_.)

How would you like to see your husband at a prize fight? There varm is
violent.

    _I hate a girl--but my Hortense
      Is not the average woman;
    She has more brains, she has more sense--
      In fact, she’s almost human._

    _Or, so I thought, until, one day,
      She lost that previous charm,
    I overheard her talk with May--
      Hortense was but a varm!_

     =Vilp=, _n._ 1. A bad loser, an unsportsmanlike player. 2. A gloating
     victor, or one who is intoxicated by success.

     =Vil´pous=, _a._ Unscrupulous, cheating in games.

The vilp is always explaining why he lost the game and usually blaming
the fault upon someone else--he “usually plays a much better game” than
the one you see. This time, it is only because he has the rheumatism, or
didn’t get any sleep last night. (See _Slub_.)

The vilp plays to win--plays for the stakes or the prize. Women vilps
have even been known to cheat at cards to gain a half-pound box of candy
tied with yellow ribbon.

The vilp takes advantage of all his opponent’s slips, calls all fouls,
but does not notice his own. He crows over his victim when he wins, and
sulks when he loses. He bullies his opponent, and whines when he comes
out last. (See _Igmoil_.)

There is no sex to the vilp; the women at the bridge and the men at the
poker table are alike vilpous. (See _Gorm_.)

    _There is no sport like Love, and he
      Or she who plays the game
    Must play to win; and so, maybe,
      The vilp is not to blame._

    _“All’s fair in love and war,” they say,
      So women cheat and fight,
    And men compete the vilpous way.
      But does that make it right?_

     =Voip=, _n._ Food that gives no gastronomic pleasure; any provender
     that is filling, but tasteless.

     =Voip=, _v._ To eat hurriedly, without tasting.

Every morning, millions of Americans go forth sustained for work, but
cheated out of the pleasures of a real repast--they have merely fed on
voip.

Pop corn was the original voip, discovered by the Pilgrim Fathers. Next
came crackers, ham-sandwiches-without-butter and the sawdusty provender
of railroad lunch counters. (See _Mooble_.)

Ginger snaps are voip; so are buns and doughnuts. Lastly came the reign
of glorified voip in decorated pasteboard packages--breakfast foods of
all degrees from birdseed up to dried peas.

New York has discovered the art of transforming any food into voip, by
the simple expedient of making you eat it standing. (See _Uglet_.)

    _At breakfast, when on voip I feed,
      Mechanically chewing,
    My listless palate does not heed,
      Or know what it is doing._

    _I oft forget, when I am through,
      And wonder if I’ve fed!
    I have to feel my stomach to
      Be sure I’ve breakfasted!_

     =Vorge=, _n._ 1. Voluntary suffering; unnecessary agony. 2. The lure
     of the uncertain.

     =Vor´gid=, _a._ Morbidly fascinating; interested in horrors.

Peary was a vorgid man; twenty years of freezing half to death did not
conquer his appetite. When he had found the North Pole, he didn’t know
what to do with it. To him, life was just one vorge after another,
pulling sledges, eating shoes and candles, sleeping in a bearskin bag.
(See _Yab_.)

Whence comes the vogue of the vorge? As a child, you could not help
putting your tongue to frozen iron, although you knew the skin would
stick to it; the deed was vorgid. You put beans up your nose, and wheat
up your stocking. You tattooed your arms; and that attractive sore
compelled your touch. Vorgid was castor oil, and bitter medicines. All
these things were horrid, but you did them and boasted of the vorge. It
is vorgid to pull out your own tooth.

But how about him who escorts his homely cousin to a dance, and gets her
partners? Is this less vorgid?

Oh, very vorgid is he who makes a speech, but vorgider far the groom at
a fashionable wedding.

Are you vorgid? Do you enjoy doing palestric exercises in the Gym, or a
cold bath on winter mornings? (See _Gloogo_.) Do you look forward,
vorgidly, to the happy Xmastide?

Vorgid is women’s talk about their “operations.”

    _Oh, vorgid ’tis to pant and strain
      And tug, the athlete thinks;
    And it is vorgid, in the rain,
      To golf o’er soggy links._

    _But it is vorgider, by far,
      Than such palestric feat,
    To give that lady in the car
      Your Oh-so-longed-for seat!_

     =Vo´ri-an-der=, _n._ 1. A woman who chases after men, instead of
     being chased. 2. A woman who telephones to men, or invites herself
     to dinners at his expense.

     =Vo´ri-an-der=, _v._ 1. To act as above described; to inflict oneself
     upon an unwilling entertainer. Women’s overt competition for men.

To most men the voriander is anathema. He would prefer to ask the
dullest girl in the world to dinner than to entertain the prettiest, who
has invited herself.

Sly and patent are the tricks of the voriander. She may telephone you:
“Have you got your car out of storage yet?” Or she may say, point-blank:
“Say, isn’t there a dinner coming to me along about now?” (See _Eegot_.)

The voriander is sometimes pretty, but never attractive. Her attempts
are usually dodged, but she still persists. “Confound it, I just _will_
get that man!” she says, and proceeds to voriander.

Never introduce a friend to a voriander. There are other kinder ways of
getting rid of her. A cat can be kissed to death, or smothered in fresh
butter; not the voriander. You have simply to leave town.

The voriander is “crazy” over you, and your purse. She writes you
perfumed notes, she telephones you during business hours. (See
_Drillig_.)

Many vorianders are over thirty years of age.

    _Beware the voriander, boy,
      With mouth that kisses and torments.
    She only loves you to enjoy
      Expensive foods at your expense._

    _Beware the voriander, let
      Her scented notes unanswered be;
    She’s after just what she can get;
      And when you’re broke, she’ll let you be!_

     =Whin´kle=, _n._ 1. Graciousness, with ulterior intent; a
     hypocritical politeness. 2. A glow of vanity.

     =Whin´kle=, _v._ To appear over-cordial or suspiciously amiable; to
     act snobbishly.

Some beam with a merely personal vanity; they whinkle from sheer
self-satisfaction. But when Jones saw me, he whinkled till I thought his
front teeth would spill out of his face. Why? I was talking to a
millionaire. (See _Eegot_.)

So the match-making Mamma whinkles at that desirable young man, who is
calling upon Bessie.

So the book-agent whinkles as he shows you his samples; and the
insurance agent, just before you kick him out.

Whinkles the floor-walker, like the girls at a seashore resort,
beckoning the only nice young man; but the floor-walker whinkles not
when you return a “thirty-six” waist for a “thirty-eight.” (See _Jurp_.)

The mother whinkles when you praise the baby, and the proud undertaker
when he first displays the corpse.

Mark the whinkling landlady, showing the third floor front to the
prospective lodger. “You’ll find it a very comfortable home here;
everyone has always been happy here--very! Nice and sunny ... plenty of
towels ... closet ... nice, soft bed--no bugs in _my_ house. Lovely
bureau, plenty of room for all your things. I am _sure_ you couldn’t do
better.”

How whinkles the pallid clerk at his employer’s jokes.

    _When first my motor-car I bought,
      The salesman wagged his tail--
    He whinkled till I almost thought
      He’d kiss me, for the sale._

    _But when the poppet-valves were strained,
      And had to be repaired--
    No whinkling then, when I complained;--
      The salesman merely glared!_

     =Wij´ji-cle=, _n._ A perverse or contradictory article of furniture;
     any household contrivance that is always out of order.

“You’ll find no wijjicles in _this_ house,” said the agent as he
unlocked the front door. “It’s in perfect order.” And yet, before I had
left I had found:

Eight window-screens that wouldn’t go up or down; loose boards in the
dining-room and three on the stairs that squeaked; a leak in the roof, a
smoky fireplace, three cupboard doors that wouldn’t shut, four closet
doors that would swing open, and a long, phlegmatic bath-tub that it
took three-quarters of an hour to fill, through its reluctant faucet.
(See _Quisty_.)

But I must confess I brought in my own wijjicles, too. Reader, you know
them well--

The folding camp-chairs that can’t be unfolded, the three-legged tables
that tip over, the rocking-chairs that bite you on the shins in the dark
and patent spring-rockers that squeak; the unoiled door, the mirrors
with wavy glass, the bureau drawers that stick and the step-ladders that
won’t stay open; the baby-carriages that are always in the way; plush
furniture that sticks, and painted chairs that come off on your back;
screen doors that bang, and rugs on slippery floors, the table that
balances unsteadily.

But the worst of all, is the pencil with its lead broken far up inside
the wood. (See _Moosoo_.)

    _I bought a rubber fountain pen;
      “Non-leakable,” the clerk
    Assured me confidently, when
      He showed me how ’twould work._

    _But now that wijjicle and I
      Into the bath-tub go
    When I must write my letters. Why?
      Well, things are safer, so!_

     =Wog=, _n._ An attached foreign body, an unornament.

     =Wog=, _v._ To daub fantastically; to decorate an unconscious victim.

     =Wogged=, _p.p._ To have any intrinsic defect or visible superfluity.

     =Wog´gy=, _a._ Unpleasantly adorned.

Have you ever seen the gentleman with the Niagara-Falls moustache?
Pretty woggy, what? When beautiful Bessie drinks buttermilk and forgets
her napkin, what can you say? Such things must not be told. Think of
Bessie--with a wog! You must turn away your head and blush--or else
Bessie must. Wogs embarrass. (See _Pooje_.)

But facial stalactites are not the only wogs, alas! Millicent’s hair is
wogged--prithee catch the hairpin before it falls. As you pick a thread
that wogs your wife’s grey gown, she discovers a blonde hair on your
coat-collar, the most embarrassing of all wogs.

Pittsburgh wogs its women with spots of smut, black as court-plaster
patches. You really ought to get a new dress suit, for yours is seven
years old and wildly wogged with grease-spots--where you spilled the
pink-and-green ice cream into your lap and where the Swedish waiter
bathed your shoulders with cauliflower soup. There is a wog of ragged
braid on the bottom of your torn skirt, a running wog in your silk
stocking. (See _Splooch_.)

Don’t get wogged! (See _Zobzib_.)

    _I never care for onion soup--
      For onion soup, and hash,
    And scrambled eggs remind me of
      My uncle’s red moustache;_

    _For that was what we had to eat
      When Uncle Silas, togged
    In Sunday raiment, came to dine,
      And got his whiskers wogged!_

[Illustration: WOG]

     =Wowze=, _n._ 1. A woman who is making a fool of herself and doesn’t
     know it. 2. Any ridiculous and undignified object. 3. A spectacular
     exhibition of unconscious humor.

     =Wowze=, _v._ To act with a misguided belief in one’s charm; to
     cavort hopelessly.

Have you ever seen a painfully conscientious amateur tangoist counting
her steps? “One-two-three--_hold_!” She’s a wowze! Have you ever been to
church on Easter Sunday in the country? There are wowzes galore.

An elderly maiden being kittenish--a perfect wowze! An elderly aunt,
talking baby-talk to her infant niece--the wowze pathetic. A female
art-student--the wowze aesthetic.

A wowze is a female poem-reciter in a hot parlor; a fat woman in
swimming; an overgrown girl in short skirts; an angry landlady; a miss
in curl-papers. A shirt waist of plaid silk is a wowze, and a cook,
learning to skate. (See _Frowk_.)

A literary lady, trying to look “artistic”--she’s a wowze and her gown
is wowzier.

The wowze-social:--A woman who doesn’t like it, trying to smoke. (See
_Ovotch_.)

    _Miss Henderson was meek and mild,
      But, through her black silk veil,
    She drank a glass or two of milk--
      (She had been drinking ale.)_

    _Then, answering our wild applause,
      She rose with smiles and bows.
    She’d proved that she was clever, but
      She was a perfect wowse!_

     =Wox=, _n._ A state of placid enjoyment; sluggish satisfaction.

     =Wox´y=, _a._ Contented; ruminant; at peace with the world.

As the glutted anaconda, after swallowing a sheep alive, rests for a
benign month or two underneath the tum-tum tree, thinking of home and
mother, while the gross lump in his stomach gradually declines and
lessens--so is the wox of the woman well and appropriately gowned,
especially if that dress of hers has been successfully made over beyond
all recognition.

Woxy is the broker, as stocks go up. Woxy is the fisherman, when the
fish begin to bite. Woxy is the legatee, when the lawsuit is over and
his inheritance is paid.

After your long tramp in the rain, after your bath and hot dinner, you
sit by the open fire in a wox.

There is no joy but calm, say the Buddhists; it’s better to be woxy than
excited with rapture. (See _Jujasm_.)

The author is in a wox; his story has been accepted. Woxy is the actor
in a good hotel at last, after three weeks of one-night stands; when he
pushes the bell, something delightful is sure to happen. There can be no
wox, alas, without a previous annoyance. (See _Fud_.) But is not all the
maddening bustle and trouble of moving worth--when you are finally
settled and at ease, with every carpet down and every picture hung--the
homelike, comfortable wox that follows?

    _I ploughed my way through wind and storm
      To call on Fanny White;
    And in her parlor I was warm
      And woxy with delight._

    _’Twas not because I loved her though--
      For I was fairly foxy;
    I’d sold her Life Insurance, so
      That’s why I felt so woxy!_

     =Wum´gush=, _n._ 1. An insincere affectation of cordiality;
     hypocritical compliments. 2. Women’s flattery of women; pretended
     friendship. 3. A feminine fib.

Do women criticise each other to their faces? Do they find fault with
their chocolates, their looks, their clothes, their jests? No, not until
the front door is closed; till then, they slobber wumgush. (See _Varm_.)

And yet, if one man offers another a cigarette, the tobacco may be
called “rotten!” without peril or anger.

Men have small use for wumgush; their compliments are profane ridicule
and simulated enmity.

A man calls his best friend a “damned fool”; a woman calls her worst
enemy, “My dear!” (See _Alibosh_.)

How women must fear each other! They smooth their rival’s hair;
lovingly, they readjust her jabot and pat her hands lingeringly.

“How well you’re looking, my dear!” ... and yards and yards of wumgush.

“Oh, I’ve had such a wonderful time! How charming of you to have asked
me. Now, you _must_ come to see us.”--Wumgush. (See _Gubble_.)

Wumgush is the frothy foam of society chatter.

Wumgush is the sunshine through which fly the wasps of sarcasm. (See
_Flooijab_.)

    _The wumgush Clara spills on Lou,
      Whene’er they meet, and kiss,
    Would seem to prove a friendship true,
      But it amounts to this,--_

    _“Your waist is soiled; and, oh, that hat!
      Trimmed it yourself, I know!
    You never ought to grin like that,
      It makes your crow’s feet show!”_

     =Xen´o-gore=, _n._ 1. An interloper; one who is _de trop_, or keeps
     you from things or persons of greater interest. 2. A self-invited
     guest, who stays too long.

The xenogore is a person who doesn’t belong, but doesn’t know it. It is
the shopper who paws over goods, and prevents customers from buying; an
extra woman, who drops in when you want to play whist; or the creature
who appears at dinner-time, when you have just enough for the family and
no more; who invites himself into your motor-car, crowding you
miserably. He annoys you when you are talking business, and spoils the
sale.

Children in the room, when you are calling, are xenogores. (See
_Kidloid_.)

Someone talking to you, when you want to listen to that interesting
conversation opposite, is a xenogore.

A xenogore is likely to be anyone of your wife’s relations or friends;
but it’s sure to be that girl you have to escort home, and don’t want
to. (See _Uglet_.)

A girl who accompanies a couple in love is a xenogore. (See _Vorge_.)

    _I longed to see her Paris gowns,
      And hear about my aunts,
    And all those queer cathedral towns--
      She’d just returned from France._

    _I’d scarcely welcomed her--before
      I’d told her she was thinner,
    There came a ring--a xenogore!
      Of course he stayed to dinner._

     =Yab=, _n._ 1. A monomaniac or fanatic, interested in one thing. 2. A
     favorite topic of discussion, or conversation.

     =Yab´by=, _a._ Talking continually on a single topic.

     =Yabs=, _a._ Foolishly interested or absorbed.

People used to be yabs on religion, but you seldom see a gospel yab, now
that Dowie has passed from sight. Still, there’s a pretty pronounced
Christian Science yab on in idealistic circles. Business yabs, yes; but
your wife won’t stand for it at the supper-table, unless your guest is a
good, heavy buyer. (See _Eegot_.)

The musician lives in a yab-world of his own. He doesn’t understand
ordinary English.

Some men are yabs over women, some have a horrible baseball yab that
will last over way into February; but the worst of all is a yabby actor,
telling you how good he is. (See _Leolump_.)

Polonius, had he lived, would have said to Hamlet, “Still yabs about my
daughter!”

The White Slave yab is almost over and the Sex yab is mute in the
magazines; the Bigyab is Tango with a capital Q.

The egoist is yabs about himself; the Englishman is yabby over sport,
the Hebrew over money. Me, my yab is “Burgess Unabridged.” (See
_Gloogo_.)

    _Once a little girl in Phœnix
      Arizona wrote to me;
    She was yabs about eugenics,
      And was healthy as a flea._

    _Put although my Jane was poorly,
      And was half the time in bed,
    I was yabs about her, surely,
      So I married her, instead._

     =Yam´noy=, _n._ 1. A bulky, unmanageable object; an unwieldy or
     slippery parcel. 2. Something you don’t know how to carry.

     =Yam´noy=, _v._ 1. To inflict with much luggage. 2. To carry many
     parcels at once.

Did you ever see a woman trying to move a Morris chair--or carry a
rocker through a screen door? (See _Wijjicle_.) She is struggling with a
yamnoy. She can carry a baby with ease and skill, but it’s a yamnoy to a
bachelor.

The yamnoy is a sheet of window glass carried on a windy day; a dripping
umbrella that you don’t know where to place; a bird-cage or a bowl of
fish, that you don’t dare trust in the moving van. (See _Uglet_.)

To yamnoy is to move a ladder, or place it upright, or to carry a lawn
mower home from the city.

    _A patient husband ’twas, who bore
      A yamnoy, huge and bulky;
    It weighed a dozen pounds or more--
      No wonder he was sulky._

    _And as he ran to catch the car,
      More and still more disgusted,
    His yamnoy fell--and, with the jar,
      Two watermelons busted!_

     =Yod=, _n._ 1. A ban, or restriction; a rule forbidding pleasant
     things. 2. A place where one must conform to the proprieties.

     =Yod=, _v._ To behave circumspectly, or with conventional deportment.

     =Yod´der-y=, _a._ Stiff, proper, formal; respectable.

Yes, you have to mind your p’s and q’s in a Christian Endeavor yod, or
in the house of your best girl. Why, in some places, there is even a yod
on the tango! (See _Ovotch_.)

Don’t you love to get into a place where there’s a yod on smoking? A
temperance yod is not so bad--except that you can never get good food
where they sell soft drinks.

Remember that restaurant they started a couple of years ago where
evening dress was required? That business-suit yod killed it.

Poor little slangy Lulu, with the henna hair! When she was introduced to
Millionaire Willie’s mother, she had so many yods on her that she didn’t
dare squeak!

Remember that low-necked yod your aunt used to have? Why, nowadays, she
wears double-décolleté in a trolley-car. No, those sanctimonious old
yoddery days of yore are well gone by. Your wife smokes cigarettes
now--your daughter’s skirts are slit up to the knee. However, there’s
still a yod on woman suffrage, and we may hold ’em down. (See _Varm_.)

    _There was a yod on swearing at
      The home of Mr. Badd,
    So this was how he had to spat,
      When he was good and mad:--_

    _“Cognominate that blastoderm!
      You jacitating void,
    You go to Heligoland and squirm,
      You lepidopteroid!”_

     =Yowf=, _n._ 1. One whose importance exceeds his merit. A rich, or
     influential fool. 2. Stupidness, combined with authority.

You find the yowf sitting at the Captain’s table on shipboard; and at
the speakers’ dais at banquets. He is top-heavy with importance, and
soggy with self-esteem.

Among the yowfs present were: The Mayor of the Small Town; a state
senator; the Dock Commissioner; a bank president, two consuls, the
Commandant of the Navy Yard, a police judge, and the Treasurer of the
Wild Cat Club. (See _Edicle_.)

The yowf is long on dignity, and short on charm; but he has to be waited
on first. The female yowf has a 46 bust measure, and is important mainly
on account of her clothes.

It is always a yowf who gives the reception to visiting celebrities. He
travels all over the world, and somehow, is able to mingle constantly
with people with real brains. (See Machizzle.)

    _The yowf was traveling on a pass--
      And he was grand and fat.
    A Fourth Vice Presidential ass,
      Or something big like that._

    _I could not bear him; so, one noon,
      I pricked him with a pin.
    He shrivelled, a collapsed balloon--
      Naught but an empty skin!_

     =Zeech=, _n._ 1. A person of too strong individuality. One whose
     personality dominates. 2. A monologuist or violent talker.

     =Zeech´ous=, _a._ Lively, but tiresome; exhaustingly original.

The zeech is usually a good talker and a bad conversationalist; he
colors the party, you have to take his tone. He may bring in the
sunshine but he destroys those subtler half-lights which give
atmosphere.

Curiously, the zeech is a great mixer and yet he will not mix; things
must go his way. He is dynamic but has nothing in reserve. (See
_Spuzz_.)

There are no surprises in the zeech--you know what he is going to do and
say. You will laugh, but in the end be bored. He makes the party “go,”
but prevents its being an occasion.

The zeech is conspicuous, brilliant--but exhausting.

You invite the zeech to dinner, and the first time you are enthusiastic
about him. By the third, however, your wife ventures to say, “Oh, let’s
not have him _this_ time!” (See _Cowcat_.)

    _The zeech told stories without end,
      The life of all the party.
    He made no joke that could offend,
      He made us laugh so hearty!_

    _But when at last the door was shut,
      She said, and hid a yawn,
    “Oh, he was_ so _amusing, but
      I’m very glad he’s gone!”_

     =Zob´zib=, _n._ An amiable fool, a blunderer. One who is kind, but
     brainless.

     =Zob´zib=, _v._ To act with misguided zeal.

The zobzib “means well”--but deliver us from our friends! He comes too
early and he stays too late. He is always in the way. He calls just
before dinner, but he will not sit down and dine with you. He is always
“just going.” He is fond of picking out a tune on the piano with one
finger.

When a zobzib enters, you just know he is going to break or tip over
something, or spill claret on the table cloth. He will surely slip on
the rug. He is a bull in a china shop, he is as hilarious as a wet
Newfoundland dog. (See _Splooch_.)

The female zobzib gives you advice, “for your own good.” She asks you to
buy tickets for church fairs and charity concerts.

A zobzib cannot help missing the train, he cannot help forgetting the
theatre tickets. That’s why he’s a zobzib. (See _Rawp_.)

I’ve often thought I’d like to be a drunkard, so some nice, sweet zobzib
would marry me, to reform me.

    _A zobzib, with a rag and broom
      And dust-pan, came today;
    She came to tidy up my room,
      While I was far away._

    _She left, and everything I need
      Was zobzibbed out of sight--
    I can find nothing, but, indeed,
      That Zobzib_ “meant _all right!_”