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                        DIE INSHURANCE BUSINESS.

                           A SERIO-COMIC DRAMA
                                 IN THE
                     PENNSYLVANIA GERMAN VERNACULAR,
                            “AS SHE IS SPOKE”
                IN THE GERMAN DISTRICTS OF PENNSYLVANIA.

                                   BY
                           E. GRUMBINE, M. D.,
                              MT. ZION, PA.

                            PRICE, 20 CENTS.

     Sent Post-paid by the Author on Receipt of Price. Sold also by
                 J. A. DeHuff, Bookseller, Lebanon, Pa.

                                PRESS OF
                       REPORT PUBLISHING CO., LTD.
                              LEBANON, PA.




CHARACTERS.


    _Yokle Brownschweiger_ and _Frany Brownschweiger_,—An elderly
    couple with a debt on their farm.

    _Sallie Brownschweiger_,—Their daughter.

    _Old Grandmother Aunshitz_,—Mrs. Brownschweiger’s mother; a
    “good subject,” old and sickly, rather deaf.

    _Henner Hoffman_,—An old neighbor who believes in the good old
    times of “Lang Syne.”

    _Wm. Shwinefelt_,—Insurance agent for the Yubee Co. and other
    wild cat life insurance companies.

    _Augustus Eslinger_,—A young store clerk of the village.
    Sallie’s lover and Shwinefelt’s rival.

    _Dr. Fraud_,—Examining physician for the Yubee Co.

    _Abe Brownschweiger_ and _Ike Brownschweiger_,—Sallie’s
    brothers, school boys.

_Yokle_ ought to have about three yards of plaited corn husk, _i. e._,
half of an unsewed door mat, and, as the curtain rises he is plaiting,
seated on a stool or chair, while _Ike_ picks corn husks out of a basket
and hands them to his “dawdy” as the latter needs them. Perhaps a
spinning wheel for _Frany_ would be better than sewing, or darning big
woolen stockings. The costumes ought to be suitable. For _Yokle_, _Frany_
and the rest of the family, farmers’ ordinary clothes, but not ragged nor
dirty. _Shwinefelt_ should be loudly dressed—large stand up collar with a
red necktie, big cuffs, etc. _Gust_, like a clerk, not quite so flashy.
_Sally_ ought to be the well dressed beauty of the play.




DIE INSHURANCE BUSINESS.




ACT I.

    SCENE I.—_Brownschweiger’s sitting-room and kitchen. A family
    scene. Yokle smoking pipe and plaiting corn husk mat. Ike on
    the right picking and handing husks to him. Frany, in the
    center sewing, dressed in cap and white handkerchief pinned
    across her breast. On left, Grandmother Aunshitz in huge white
    cap and spectacles seated in arm-chair, scraping an apple and
    eating it. To her left, Sallie crocheting. Seated on the floor
    to the left, Abe is covering a ball. Empty chair between Yokle
    and Frany. Grandmother coughs a great deal._


YOKLE. Hurry up Ike und mach die wish net so dick. War der huxliter hide
do, mam?

FRANY. Yaw, den nu’midag.

YOKLE. Wie feel hen die oyer und der butter g’macht?

FRANY. Der butter is yusht 14 and die oyer yusht 16. Und du waisht das
dee hinkle net orrig layia by dem kolta wedder. Alles tsomma hut yusht
$1.92 g’macht, und des mus ich hovva. Dee Sallie mus en Polenay und en
hat hovva und—

ABE. O yaw, sell is der wake. Dee Sallie mus alles hovva und ich mus
worta. Der shool-maishter hot hite weeder g’saut ich set en neyee
cheeografee greega.

IKE. Yaw, dad, und ich mus en mental hovva.

YOKLE. Hob ich net neyee bicher grickt letsht winter?

ABE. Yaw, ovver sie missa widder all neyee greega den winter.

YOKLE. Well, boova, ich kan eich ken neyee bicher kaufa shun widder.
(_Granny coughs._)

FRANY. Horich! ’skomt ebber. Wos net alles drunner und drivver. (_Bustles
about and dusts chairs._)

(_Enter HENNER HOFFMAN. GRANNY coughs._)

HOFFMAN. Good novet!

YOKLE _and_ FRANY. Denky! Nem der’n sitz, Henner. (_He seats himself near
GRANNY._)

HOFFMAN. Kalt wedder.

YOKLE. Yaw, ’sis mechtig kalt.

FRANY. Dee kelt hot aw so free awgfanga den winter.

HOFFMAN. Yaw! (_To GRANNY in a loud voice._) Wee macht’s by eich als?

GRANNY. Feicht draus, is es? (_Coughs._) I ich hob net g’wist os es ebbes
runner macht!

HOFFMAN. (_Louder._) Nay ich hob g’froagt wie deer aw kommt. Sider als
g’sund.

GRANNY. O, nay, ich bin shlecht—greislich shlecht. Ich hob evva den
orriga hushta (_coughs_) un wer so eng. Und no bin ich so shlecht uf mina
baw! Ich bin evva olt—hair aw so shlecht!

HOFFMAN. Yaw, du guksht shlecht!

GRANNY. Was? (_Coughs._)

HOFFMAN. (_Louder._) I, ich sawg du guksht alendig!

GRANNY. Yaw, du awe! (_Coughs._)

HOFFMAN. (_Turning to YOKLE._) Ich say der side busy?

FRANY. Yaw, ich hab na gsaut sie missa shoobutzer flechta oder sie derfa
mir nimmy ins house met eera drekicha shtiffle.

YOKLE. Yaw, ’sdate note mer date dawg und nacht shoffa and ’swill doch
net longa naryets. Bis dee wibeslite dee fashions noche g’macht hen und
dee boova hen olly winter onnery bicher, bleibt ke cent ivverich bis es
yore rum is.

HOFFMAN. Ich will der evva sawga wees is, Yokle. Sis nimme wee es war
for olders. Dee tzeida sin nimme wee see waura. Ich mane evva 'swair
noch 'sbesht won de fry shoola net in der gong komma wara. Wee ich
in dee shool gonga bin, zum olda Stoffle Bender, drunna ins Feeser’s
Shpringhouse, do hut mer nix gevist fun denna sacha woo see olla wile
in de shoola hen. Do hut mer larna bushtaweera, no hut mer glasa im
Teshtament oder Psalter, and dee woo rechla und shriva hen wella dee hen
kenna, oder hens kenna bliva lossa. Swor noch en fry lond sella mole.

ABE. Hen see kay cheeografees g’shtudied sella zeit?

IKE. Und kay Mental?

HOFFMAN. Nix fun der ort. Und es hut shmartery menner und weiver gevva os
es olla wile dute.

SALLIE. Yaw, ovver sella mole het der kay telagraph und kay rigglewake
kot und—

ABE. Und kay may machine.

YOKLE. Abe, holt dy moul (_GRANNY coughs._)

HOFFMAN. All sellie dinga het mer aw allewile besser net. Wy dee
ferdifelda cars hen mer dee woch widder en kolp dode g’fawra!

ABE. (_Aside._) Sis shaud os es net der alt ux selwert war!

YOKLE.—Yaw, es mawg sei. Dee lite hen aw glaibt sell zeit. (_Works at
mat._)

HOFFMAN. Besser os allewile. Sella zeit hot mer der drom greega kenna for
en levvy dee quart oder dry cent der drunk. Now wella see aim en gons
week shtimma das der orm mon ken may drinka darf. Sell is dee fryhite
g’numma.

FRANY. Well, for selly fryhite bin ich net. Sgate dir wee em Irisha woo
sy mommy dote gshlawga hut, wee see en henka hen wella hut er gsawt,
“Sgait neemond nix awe, swaur my aig’ny mommy, und sis en fry lond!”

YOKLE. (_To IKE._) Mach dee wish net so dick, Ike. Yaw, du husht recht,
Henner. Won en mon en whisky drinka will, don lus em dee fryhite ains zu
nemma oder net.

SALLIE. Won der mon’s brouch, don brouch sy fraw es aw. Won du gsuffa
musht warra, don mus dy oldy Betsy awe. Wee datsht du sell gleicha zu
sana, Henner?

GRANNY. (_Coughs._) Ich mus drum widder hushta!

HOFFMAN. I konsht du don nix greega for dy hushta?

GRANNY. Was?

HOFFMAN. (_Louder._) Konsht nix usa for dy hushta?

GRANNY. I ich hob fom Redsecker seim “Balsom de Oltor” gnunima, und der
Yokle hut mer mole en buttle fom Ross seim “Cod Liver Oil—ale” gebrucht,
ovver’s hut kanes ken ousgekouter chaw duwak gebot (_coughs_). No is awe
mul sone rumlafer do hair kumma und hot mer en buttle Humberger oder
humbug droppa ferkauft—es hut awe nix gebot. Sell wor yusht so en lotwerk
bree.

HOFFMAN. Ich wase won meer dee yora als es kolt so kot hen, hen meer uns
tay gekucht und den dick sees g’macht mit browner zucker.

IKE. (_Aside._) Ich wet liever der zucker lanich!

FRANY. Ich moch 'ra oily owet tay!

GRANNY. I, ich drink tay! Olly owet en kuply fon dem Awdorn tay.

HOFFMAN. Sell is en fustraiter tay. My Betsy dut ols noch a wenig
mutter-kraut dazu, und a wenig gletta worzel, und a wenig shoferibba,
und a wenig gricka balsam, und a wenig rusmarye—dess kucht see recht
shtork und no mocht see en lot fooswasser, do dut see ols en gooty
hondful fish-solz dazu, note gait see ney mit de fees bis on dee gnee,
und _sell_ cured der hushta!

ABE. Ich wet ovver ferdultsy leever der hushta hovva os wee so en cure
nemma.

(_IKE falls asleep when YOKLE shakes him._)

YOKLE. Shlofe net do, Ike!

FRANY. I, won er so shlafrig is, gebt es uf bis en onner owet und lus de
boova in eera bet gay. Sallie, hole der grossmommy eera tay, no kon see
aw gay.

SALLIE. Yes, ma’am! (_Exit._)

YOKLE. Well, ick denk mer shtuppa es don. Do, doo den korb nous, boova,
und der shoobutzer. (_IKE and ABE exeunt with basket, etc._)

SALLIE. (_Enters with a teacup in a saucer._) Do, mommy, is ira bittera
tay. Er is ferleicht zu hais.

HOFFMAN. O! wee haiser, wee besser. (_GRANNY coughs._)

GRANNY. (_Drinks._) Ich denk ich gay awe in’s bet, und won der Henner mol
fort is, ken deer aw gay. Hen der don dee deera all g’shlussa?

YOKLE. Yaw, mir tenda zu sellem.

GRANNY. (_Coughs._) Ich wot dee nocht war witter rum.

(_Exits, assisted by FRANY who also exits._)

SALLIE. (_Aside._) Ich wunner won der old Hoffman fort will! Ich expect
der Gust noch den ovet. Er hut g’saut er kaimt won see der shtore zu
hetta. Ich will uf der shpeicher, gucka ep noch licht im shtore is.
(_Exits._)

HOFFMAN. Now, wile mer lay sin mus ich der sawga ferwas ich rivver komma
bin. Ich mus sell gelt hovva bis free yore.

YOKLE. Yaw, und ich hop kens. Es kosht mich feel und du waisht dee frucht
holt bol nix. Alles was ich uf macha kon mus ich in dee inshurance
cumpany bezawla. Du waisht ich hob en policy uf dem olda Yark Heverling.
Won seller mol nivver ginkt, kent ich dich gonz bezawla, und het noch
iverich.

HOFFMAN. Yaw, dar löbt so long os du. Uf sellem sy leicht kon ich net
worta. Du gebsht meer en judgment note oder mortgage uf en yore und no
well mer’s so lossa.

YOKLE. Sell doon ich net garn.

HOFFMAN. Judgment oder’s gelt will ich hovva!

YOKLE. Well, loss mer zeit for decida bis dee naiksht woch.

HOFFMAN. Yaw, well. Won ich deer der Shreef shicka date graicht ich
judgment, ovver sell date kushta macha.

YOKLE. Well, won ich ken $2,000 ousmacha kon, don mus ich der judgment
gevva bis dee naiksht woch.

HOFFMAN. Well, don daita mer’s so mocha. Good nocht. (_Exit._)

YOKLE. So wite is es! Mer maint es kent net sy! War sheer shulda fry
g’vest finf yore zurick, don bin ich in dee inshurance speklation
gonga, und ich bin ols weider ny komma. Und now mus ich judgment gevva
oder assignee mocha. (_Pause, starts up and walks._) Won yusht der olt
Heverling dote gingt!

(_Exit with lamp. Lights down. Stage dark._)

GUST ESLINGER. (_Sings outside. Instrumental accompaniment. AIR: “Was hat
Deutschland zu Erwarten.”_)

    “Liebstes Schätschen, nun vor allen,
      Könnt ich immer bei dir sein,
    Thu’st am besten mir gefallen,
      Soll’st auch meine liebste sein!”

(_Enter SALLIE slowly with lamp in her hand, turned down low._)

GUST (_sings_)—

    “Bist mir schöner als die Blumen,
      Bist mir süsser als der Wein!
    Ach könnt ich doch zu dir kommen,
      Könnt ich immer bei dir sein!”

(_SALLIE places lamp on table, opens door. GUST enters, takes both her
hands and they come down._)

GUST. Es wor mer so bong ich graicht dich nimmy zu sana. Ich hob dei
licht in deina shtup g’sana, no hob ich geglaubt du warsht shun in’s bed.

SALLIE. Yaw, es is aw zeit os du drin warsht. Ich hob nimmy on dich
gadenkt den ovet.

GUST. Aw, kom now, sell is net so. Du husht der gonz ovet gaguckt for
mich. Ich hop eppes gabrucht. Muldo! (_Opens a paper parcel and displays
candy. They seat themselves and he places it in her lap._) Waisht noch
sell olt rhymely?

    “The rose is red, the violet’s blue,
    Candy is sweet, and so are you!” (_Kisses her._)

SALLIE. Shemsht dich net? Wid dy ivver-ruck net ous du?

GUST. O, yo sell will ich. (_Takes off overcoat and hat._ SALLIE _hangs
them up. He places chairs courting fashion. He turns lamp very low._)

SALLIE. Net so nidder! Du machsts ous!

GUST. Won’s ous gait, mawgs! (_They seat themselves. He puts his arms
around her and—the curtain falls._)


SCENE II.

    _Front yard of farm house. Pump, haystacks, etc. Enter Yokle
    and Shwinefelt. Yokle carries a shovel, slouch hat on, pants
    tucked in boots. Shwinefelt in “loud” business suit—third rate
    style—stand up collar, etc. Both enter talking._

SHWINEFELT. Du waisht dee zeit is uf.

YOKLE. Ich wase by henk net wos zu du! Es gelt hob ich net und ich
ferleer doch net garn was ich nei bazahlt hob.

SHWINE. Well, husht nix zu ferkaufa?

YOKLE. Nay, ich hob net. Frucht hot’s kenny gevva zu sawga, un fee hob
ich kanes zu shpara.

SHWINE. Well, now, ich hob en plan. Insure der olda frau eera laiva. Sie
kon—

YOKLE. Wos? Insure dee Frany! Ha! ha! ha! Ich denk ich set mol eppes
sawga dafoo! Wy—wy—see date mer dee shteefle ous und date mich um shlawga
mit—und dich aw!

SHWINE. Nay, du fershtaisht mich net. Ich main dee olt frau—die gonz
morts olt—dy shweegern.

YOKLE. Oh! dee grosmommy! O, kutz lebdog! see is zu olt? Wy see is gabora
in 1801—see is nine und seevazig yore olt [79].

SHWINE. See genkt in dee FIVE-VALLEY CO. Dort gain see ny bis 80, ovver
es premium is ordlich hoch. Now, won see yusht 70 ware—hot see en
daufshein?

YOKLE. Yaw.

SHWINE. Hole en mole. (_Exit YOKLE._) Won ich yusht en policy rous greega
kon fon selera olda. Lenger os 2 yore kon see nimmy lava ufs lengsht.
Ich denk ich kon es fixa. (_Enter YOKLE._)

YOKLE. (_Handing paper._) Do is er. Do konsht saina dos see in 1801
gabora is.

SHWINE. (_Examining paper—“daufshein.”_) Now hob ich en plan. Saisht
do uf dem daufshein dee figures 1801. Ous sellem shmalla null kon mer
easy in ainster [1] macha, und ous em ainster [1] is es yusht so easy en
nineter [9] macha. Sell bringt eera elt runner uf 66. Nc gait see in de
Co. for en glay premium.

YOKLE. Yaw, ich fershtay. Ovver see—dee olt frau—doots net, bin ich bong.

SHWINE. See brouch gaur nix dafu wissa. See kon anyhow net shriva un ich
kon eera kreitz [X] macha. Fershtaisht?

YOKLE. Missa ken zeiga ny?

SHWINE. O, der dukter sined’s for zeiga, und ich kon noch en nama dazu
shriva. Mer brauch net so pertikler sy.

YOKLE. Yaw, ovver ich hob ke gelt for dich zu bazawla.

SHWINE. Du ivversineshed dee helft fon der policy und gebsht mir en
exemption note for was es kosht uf en yore, no fix ich’s. Dee old kon
nimmy long laiva—no greega mer’s gelt. Mer doon see ny for $10,000!

YOKLE. Ich will der sawga ich drau net recht. Es kent rous kumma und—

SHWINE. Aw, was! es konnet! Grick mol dy dinta no will ich mol for en
awfung den daufshein rum ducktera. (_YOKLE exit._) So wite is es ortlich
goot. Finf dausend for mich und—(_Enter YOKLE._)

YOKLE. Ich hob evva yusht so older dinda. Dee Sallie hot bessera, ovver
ich kon seller net hendig greega.

SHWINE. (_Takes out pen and alters figures._) So! now guk mol dort! Sell
doots bully. Now will ich der duckter Fraud nuff shicka. (_Both exeunt._)


SCENE III.

    _Y. Brownschweiger’s living room again. Granny Aunshitz in her
    arm-chair, troubled with a cough. Sallie dusting furniture.
    Looks out of window._

SALLIE. Es shtupt en buggy for der deer. (_Looks again._) Sis so gwiss
der duckter and seller Shwinefelt widder. Wos for business hut seller
karl do, wunner ich? Ich will hoffa see hen zunacht gessa. Ich will hite
net noch mul kocha. Ich bin getired. (_Enter SHWINEFELT and DR. FRAUD._)

DR. Good evening, Miss Sallie! Is der dad net dahame?

(_SHWINEFELT nods, etc._)

SALLIE. Yo, er is noch in der shire. Ich will em roofa. Nemmt eich sits.
(_Exit._)

DR. (_Loud._) Wee mochts by eich ols, grosmommy?

GRANNY. Wos?

DR. (_Louder._) Wee mochts, etc., etc.

GRANNY. (_Coughing._) O, orrig shlecht. Ich glaub os ich de ouszaring
hob. Ich hob so en greislicher hushta! (_Enter YOKLE._)

DR. Yacub, wee gates!

YOKLE. So, es mus gute sy!

DR. (_Seats himself near GRANNY._) Ich will eich ebbes zuwaig mocha dos
der hushta gute mocht. (_Feels pulse and looks at watch._) Seit so gute
und shtate mol uf.

GRANNY. Hăh?

DR. Shtate mol uf.

GRANNY. (_With difficulty rises._) Wos no?

DR. Ich will emol horicha wee eier lung shoft.

GRANNY. Yaw, dee shoft nix may!

(_DR. places ear first on one side of chest then on the other. Meanwhile
SHWINEFELT retires to one side of stage and converses with YOKLE._)

SHWINEFELT. (_To YOKLE._) Des is de besht business os du noch ny bisht.
Ich bin sure os see in de Five Valley Co. gait. Der Dr. fixed de bobbeera
all recht. Of course mir missa een bazawla. Er will $25 for des, ovver
sell kenna mir awe afforda zu gevva! (_To DR._) Och, Dr., du brouchsht
net so pertickler sy. Sell is shon long ganunk dorich dee motions gonga.

DR. (_To GRANNY._) Sell doots.

GRANNY. Wos?

DR. Sell doots. Now kent der eich widder setza.

GRANNY. Denksht es wart now goot?

DR. Ich will eich eppes gevva for dee levver. De levver shoft net.

GRANNY. Wos?

DR. (_Louder._) Ire levver shoft net recht.

GRANNY. Ferwas net? (_Enter IKE, listens._)

DR. (_Loud._) I, dee goll de shoft ivvershich, und won deer shnouft,
no pressed der—der—_diaphragm_ uf der _duodenum_ und sell mocht eich
shmertza in dee _bronikle_ tubes. Fershtate deer?

IKE. (_Aside._) Gott im himmel! Wos der Dr. net so feel wase!

GRANNY. O, yaw! Sell fershtain ich wohl!

DR. Well, (_motions with fingers on palms, etc._) now mist deer eppes
hovva dos dorich der _esophagus_ gait und dorich der _pyloric orifice_,
no kommets in der _duodenum_, un shoft uf dee _bronikles_ dorich dee
_pneumogastrie nerve_. (_Spits and takes chew._)

IKE (_Aside._) All mechtiger! Ich hob geglaubt sell letsht date 'n
ferwariga!

DR. (_Hunts in saddle-bags._) Dorich dee _pneumogastric
nerve_—und—und—gook! do is es! des is fom Brown sina mixtures.

GRANNY. Wos! (_Coughs._)

DR. (_Yells in her ear_) Zway tayleffle full 4 mols dogs.

GRANNY. Feer tayleffle full zway mols dogs. Yaw well.

DR. (_Louder._) Nay, 2 taylefflle full 4 mols dogs!

GRANNY. Aw nochts?

DR. Yaw, aw 4 mol nochts!

GRANNY. Won mer ovver shloft!

DR. No nemmt mer’s yusht drey [3] mole.

GRANNY. Wos?

DR. (_Louder._) I no shloft mer!

GRANNY. O! Wos mainsht don for dem Awdorn tay for’s kolt.

DR. Seller is aw goot.

GRANNY. Ich drink olly ovet en cuply foll. Derf ich grumbeera soop essa
do dazu? (_Tastes medicine and sets it down. IKE sneaks up and tastes
also, makes faces._)

IKE. (_Aside._) Es shmokt graut os wee der tay! Phuy!

DR. O, yaw! (_YOKLE and SHWINEFELT going through a dumb show as if
conversing and figuring out a problem in arithmetic._)

SHWINEFELT. Well, Dr., ich denk mer missa gay.

IKE. Duckter, mol do! Ich hob do so en wortzel. Waisht do wos forichy os
es is! Ich glaub os des gute wair for der mawga. (_Aside._) By sourkrout!

DR. Wo husht’s grickt?

IKE. I, es woxt drous im bush. (_DR. smells at it, looks at it, bites and
tastes._)

DR. Des is fon der wisa shlonga worzel.

IKE. (_Laughing and moving off._) Ah, ha, ha, ha, ya, ha! Sis yo en
gedarrter sei shwontz! He, ha, ya, ha, ho, ho, ho!—etc. (_Curtain
descends._)




ACT II.

    (_Two years are supposed to have elapsed. Costumes should be
    changed as to be noticed._)


SCENE I.—_Brownschweiger’s sitting room. Enter Yokle and Henner Hoffman._

HENNER. Es mus eppes gadu sei. Du bazawlsht mer yo ken interessa may und
es sayd shlecht ous.

YOKLE. Well, hob yusht noch a wennig gadult, und ferrup mich net. Ich
expect es gait bol besser—

HENNER. So husht du shon long gsaut. Won’s net ware os dy frau, dee
Frany, alendig ware, don het ich net _so_ long g’wart.

YOKLE. Wart noch a wile. Ich bin sure os es all recht wert eb long.

HENNER. Won es noch ware os wee’s for yora zurick wor ep dos dee ferdulta
fry shoola und may machina und oll dee socha in der gong komma sin, und
du hetsht besser g’shpawrt—ovver ich will der noch 4 wocha zeit gevva.
Ich mus ovver gay. (_Exit._)

YOKLE. (_Alone._) Won ich yusht seller Shwinefelt nee gsana het. Ich hob
shon bol $800 in dee inshurance co.’s bezawlt. Won ich selly $800 g’used
het for my intressa zu bezawla, het ich ols noch wenig ivverich kot for
on der haupt sum obzumocha. Do kommt widder ainer for gelt!

(_Enter SHWINEFELT._)

SHWINE. Well, Yacub, wee sayts ous hite? Sin widder dry [3] death-notices
for dich. Dy 'sessment is $23.75.

YOKLE. Ich hob miner sex kens. Won du es net uf holta konsht, don missa
mir’s fawra lossa.

SHWINE. Well, wee is dee grossmommy? Gate see net bol nivver? Ich hob net
gedenkt 2 yore zurick os see so long ousholta date.

YOKLE. See is graut aye zeit wee dee onner.

SHWINE. Denksht net 'swar zeit see date nivver gay?

YOKLE. Mer darf see evva doch net dote shlawga.

SHWINE. O, nay! Ovver won mer eera Awdorn tay shtork mocha date! See kent
mol shnell shtarwa, waisht, om mawga gromp, oder eppes so.

YOKLE. Wos in der welt mainsht du?

SHWINE. Du fershtaist’s, denk ich. Won see dote ginkt, data meer, du und
ich, $10,000 zeaga, saysht? No ken shreef, ken assignee, ken ufbrecherye!
Und see is anyhow olt genunk for op zu passa.

YOKLE. Yaw, ovver wee kent mer’s macha?

SHWINE. Horich! Ich sawg deer’s! Du gaisht in der shtore und gricksht 10
cent wart mice gift. Ich darf kanes kawfa. Ich hob kay mice, ich board
am wartshouse. Ovver du husht rotta, kansht sawga. Du bringsht meer’s
peckly und ich psuch eich anes fon denna ovet—sell is all—$10,000 oder uf
brecha. Wee sawgsht?

YOKLE. (_Walking back and forth._) Ich doos!

(_Exeunt both._)


SCENE II.

    _Small sitting room. Best room. Evening. Lamp burning. Sallie
    seated alone, sewing._

SALLIE. Ich wais gar net wos lets is mit’m dad. Er is gar nimmy der mon
wo er wor. Sidder os seller Shwinefelt do hare kommt will es naryets may
gay. Hite is er rum g’stonna und rum gluffa os we en dummer older goul.
Essa dute are nix may widers, und gshlofa hot er net feel dee letsht
nocht, und dee onner nocht aw net. Es doot en ebbes mechtig druvla.
(_Enter GUST._)

GUST. Well, well, Sallie, olford busy. (_Kisses her and seats himself
near._)

SALLIE. Yaw, Gust, ich _mus_ busy sy. Du waisht de mam kon nix shoffa
wayga der rummadiz for so long. Und dort is dee grossmommy, und dee
boova, und der dad druvelt sich so wayga eppes, und ich wase net forwos.
Sis gar nimmy in unsererm house we’s war. (_Bursts into tears. GUST puts
arm around her, strokes her hair in a comforting manner._)

GUST. Waisht net wos dee uresoch is, Sallie?

SALLIE. Nay, ich doo net, won’s net sy shulda sin. Do is der old Hoffman,
der hut getroyt zu shreefa, und no mus er so feel in dee life inshurance
co. bezawla, und uf der bowerie gates gar nimmy. (_Cries._)

GUST. Wen hot er don inshured?

SALLIE. Ich glaub os er dee grossmommy inshured hot.

GUST. O, nay, see is shon 10 yore zu olt. Wee olt is see anyhow? See mus
80 sy.

SALLIE. Ich hop eera daufshein hite gsayna in da shublaut. (_Goes out and
returns with it._) Do is eera elt druf. (_Both examine._) Konsht du es
Deutsch laysa?

GUST. O, yaw, do is es: “Geboren den 18ten Yooly, 1814.” Sell date see
yusht 67 yore olt mocha. Des is net eera daufshein, denk ich. (_Reads._)
Yo, sis. (_Examines._) Sawg, muldo! Do sin dee ziffera ferennert, des war
1801. War hot des gadu?

SALLIE. Ich glaub os es der Shwinefelt war.

GUST. Er war nix zu gute dafor. Und denksht du dy pap druvvelt sich wayga
dem?

SALLIE. Ich wase net. Ovver er est net, und shloft nimmy!

GUST. (_Gets up and walks about._) Ich will dich net fershrecka, ovver
ich hop hite gamaint, wee er im shtore wor, es war eppes lets. Un er hut
en peckly mice gift kauft.

SALLIE. (_Starting up._) Wos?

GUST. Sy yusht rooich, Ich hop’s g’filt mit gips. (_Plaster of Paris_).

SALLIE. O, my Gott, Gust! Wos soll ich mocha? Es sin dee shulda—my ormer
dad! (_Wrings her hands and cries violently._)

GUST. Hold up, Sallie. Ich will der now aw noch _gooty_ news sawga. Ich
hop hite en breef grickt fom ma lawyer in Ohio; der shreipt dos anes fom
mina unkles in sellera shtait gshtorwa is, un hot mir $10,000 fermocht.
Now, hop ich en plan; $3,000 bezawlt dime dad sy shulda. So feel geb ich
deer, und du lainsht’s eem. Und ich denk, mit em ivvericha, könne ich und
du awfonga housa.

SALLIE. Oh! Gust. No ferlongsht du mich nimmy.

GUST. Wos? Won ich a hunnert douset het date ich es all gevva for dich!
(_Kisses her, she cries on his shoulder._) Kum, kum, Sallie! Hile net,
mer wella nivver zu der onnera gay und wella eena unser plan sawga.
(_Exeunt._)


SCENE III.

    _Same as first. Yokle and Shwinefelt seated on right. Granny on
    left. In center, by her side is a small table on which are a
    cup and saucer. Ike and Abe have books. Frany in an arm-chair
    with pillows under head on extreme left. Two empty chairs
    near C. Granny coughs. Shwinefelt rises, and, while talking
    to Granny, empties a folded paper into her teacup. While so
    occupied, Gust and Sallie appear at left entrance, stop, and
    see him do it._

SHWINEFELT. Deer seit ols aye zeit wee dee onner. (_Empties paper into
cup on the sly._)

GRANNY. Yaw, und nee net gute. Ich hop evva ols den hushta! (_Coughs._)

SHWINE. Sis evva aw so feicht wedder.

GRANNY. Wos? (_Enter GUST and SALLIE and see the act._)

SHWINE. So feicht is es drous. (_To YOKLE._) Wos zeit is es shun. Ich
denk ich mus bol uf der wake for hame.

IKE. (_Coughing._) Ich hop aw der hushta. Gust, husht ken lickerish-ball?

ABE. I, drink fon der mommy eererm Awdorn tay.

FRANY. Yaw, sell date ich, Ike.

YOKLE. Sell is net feel wart. (_Sharply._)

FRANY. Yo es is. Ike, drink mole, und no gay in’s bet. Dee Sallie holt
der mommy no noch may.

(_IKE gets up, takes cup and drinks._)

YOKLE. (_Starting up._) Drink net. (_Excitedly._) Drink sell net.

IKE. Yaw, ich hop getrunka! (_Spits._) Wos der difle is do hin in dem
tay? (_Spits, etc._)

YOKLE. (_Distractedly._) Gift, mice gift! Grickt millich! (_Runs out for
milk. Confusion all around._)

IKE. Gift! Gott im Himmel! Bin ich fergift!

FRANY. O, Gott! O, Gott! Wee is don des ny komma?

IKE. O, my! O, my! Macht’s mich dote? Herr Yesses! Es shoft shon. Ooh!
Hooo! (_Holds stomach with both hands, bends down, etc._) Gate ebber
for der duckter. Oh! Hooo!—es shoft shon orig. O, ich grick now bol
shmartza—won ich—es brent—ach!—ich! Helf mer doch—holed ebber millich—kee
warmy millich!

SALLIE. (_Goes to him._) Es war kay gift. Sy yusht ruich. Es war nix os
gips.

IKE. We waisht’s, Sallie? O, ich glaub os es gift war. O! was es zuckt!
(_More business._)

SHWINE. (_Aside._) Dummer older difle! Olles ferdorwa. (_Attempts to
exit when GUST steps before him with a drawn pistol which he holds to
SHWINEFELT’S head._)

GUST. Net so shtorik. Sits dich noch a wile. Sis noch net so shpote.

SALLIE. Sy yusht ruich, Ike, es dute der nix.

YOKLE. (_Rushing in with a tin full of milk which he sets down before
GRANNY and shouts._) Do is seesy millich.

GRANNY. See is gute. (_Takes it and drinks it._)

YOKLE. O, my kindt! my kindt!

GUST. Er is all recht. Es wor gips in sellem bobbeer und shunsht nix. Ich
fershtay olles. Do is der kerl wo des ding g’shtart hut, und ich hob’s
en sayna in der tay doo. Now, hob ich eem por worta zu sawga. Im ershta
blotz, rous mit sella inshurance policies.

SHWINE. Do sin see. (_Hands them out._)

GUST. Do, Ike, ferise see. (_IKE does so._) Now, Shwinefelt, _clear the
patch_! Los dich nimmy in Lebanon Co. sayna, oder ich arrest dich for zu
brovera dee grossmommy zu fergifta. Ich kon olles proofa. Now nous mit
der. Ike und Abe, geb eem farrywell. (_IKE and ABE kick him out of center
entrance._) Now, dad, horich a mole. Los dy finger ous der inshurance
business. Kum in unser cumpeny. Ich und dee Sallie shtarta en cumpany,
capital $10,000, ganunk for der old Henner ob zu flicka. Net so, Sallie?
(_SALLIE takes her place by his side._)

GRANNY. Des is besser for my hushta os ich noch eppes kot hop.

FRANY. Yaw, es cured aw my rummadiz, glaub ich.

IKE. Und my bouch!

GRANNY. (_Granny rises and stretches out her hands._) Liebe kinner.
Empfongt my säga!

(_Tableau._)

    IKE. FRANY. YOKLE. GRANNY. GUST. SALLIE. ABE.

CURTAIN.





End of Project Gutenberg's Die Inshurance Business, by Ezra Grumbine