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Transcriber’s note:

      Enclosed italics font in _underscores_.





A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES

by

OLIVER HERFORD


[Illustration]






London
Gay and Hancock, Ltd.

All Rights Reserved

------------------------------------------------------------------------




[Illustration: 'A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES']




             A is the Autograph Bore
             Whom Authors and Actors deplore,
                 Tho’ it’s evident quite
                 If the Dears ceased to write
             They’d deplore even more than before.

[Illustration: A]




             B is a Bounder _blasé_
             Who likes to appear quite _au fait_;
               He purses his lips
               As his Rhine wine he sips,
             Tho’ he doesn’t know Hock from Tokay.

[Illustration: B]




             C’s a Critic. Far be it from me
             With a time-honoured craft to make free.
               All praise I accord
               _Good_ Critics—but lord!
             What a Bore a _bad_ Critic can be!

[Illustration: C]




             D is a Decadent Dreary
             Whose Works are depressing and eerie;
               If you ask his excuse
               For existence, or use,
             I’m afraid I can’t answer your query.

[Illustration: D]




             E is the Egotist dread
             Who, as some one has happily said,
               Will talk till he’s blue
               About _my_self, when you
             Want to talk about _your_self instead.

[Illustration: E]




             F’s a Frankly Familiar Friend
             Who loves free advice to extend;
               He declares, for his part,
               He knows nothing of Art,
             But he thinks that your time you misspend.

[Illustration: F]




             G is a Grumbler gruff
             Whom everything puts in a huff;
               If he chances to gain
               Heaven’s gate, he’ll complain
             Of his Halo or Harp, like enough.

[Illustration: G]




             H is a Humorist glum.
             Why sits he so silent and dumb?
               He’s concocting some Gay
               Impromptu to say
             When the Opportune Moment shall come.

[Illustration: H]




             I’s the Intensely Intense
             Who dilates on the _Whither_ and _Whence_,
               The _Ego_ (or “I”),
               And the _Wherefore_ and _Why_,
             Not to mention the _Hither_ and _Hence_.

[Illustration: I]




             J is the “Johnnie”—a Thing
             Much affected by Fairies who sing.
               He is human in shape,
               With the brain of an ape,
             And generally tied to a string.

[Illustration: J]




             K is the Kaiser unnerving,
             With the Terrible Moustache upcurving.
               One man who can bore
               A planet——and more
             Is surely of mention deserving.

[Illustration: K]




             L’s the Loquacious variety,
             That is found in all sorts of society.
               He will drink in the sound
               Of his own voice—till drowned
             In a species of self-inebriety.

[Illustration: L]




             M’s a Methodical Man
             Who prates with precision and plan.
               Beware, how you balk
               The stream of his talk,
             Lest he go back to where he began.

[Illustration: M]




             N is a Newly-rich boor,
             Whom no one pretends to endure.
               Some cases with care
               And complete change of Heir
             Take three generations to cure.

[Illustration: N]




             O is an Optimist glad
             Who doesn’t know how to be sad;
               If he wakes up some day
               In Hades, he’ll say,
             “Well, really it isn’t so bad.”

[Illustration: O]




             P’s a Poetical bore
             Who recites his own things by the score.
               The ladies, poor dears,
               Are all moved to tears,
             While strong men are moved—to the door.

[Illustration: P]




             Q is a Quoter who’ll cite
             His favourite authors all night.
               Tho’ teeming with Thought,
               Like the Moon he is naught
             But a second-hand dealer in Light.

[Illustration: Q]




             R’s a Rampant Reformer whose prose
             Insures you a Health-giving doze.
               You wouldn’t much mind
               If he’d only be kind
             And _not_ slam the door when he goes.

[Illustration: R]




             S is a Satirist rude
             Who subsists on Leguminous Food,
               Which he shyly maintains
               So enforces his brains,
             Even Shakespeare beside him seems crude.

[Illustration: S]




             T is a Terrible Tot
             Who says things he’d much better not.
               A child of that age
               Should be kept in a cage,
             And fed—if at all—through a slot.

[Illustration: T]




             U is the Unco Guid Man,
             And all his unspeakable clan,
               With their _Braw bonnie brae_,
               _Bide a wee, Scots wha hae_,
             _Aweel, Dinna ken_, and _Hoot man_.

[Illustration: U]




             V is a Vain Virtuoso.
             If you ask, “Pray what makes your hair grow so;
               Do you think it a sign
               Of Genius divine?”
             He replies, “I don’t think so, I _know_ so.”

[Illustration: V]




             W’s a Well-informed Wight
             Who aims to set every one right;
               If you chance to misspell
               Or misquote, he will swell
             With holy and chastened Delight.

[Illustration: W]




             X is Old Xmas, a dear
             Old Impostor who comes once a year,
               With wassail, and wishes,
               And death-dealing dishes,
             And chilblains, and chimes, and good cheer.

[Illustration: X]




             Y is a Yodler whose yell
             Wakes the echo in mountain or fell.
               “Poor Echo!” I say,
               “To be wakened each day
             By a sound like a Feline unwell.”

[Illustration: Y]




             Z is a Zealot whose zeal
             Takes the form of an “_Urgent appeal_.”
               Tho’ you wriggle and squirm
               And protest—he sits firm,
             Till he lands you at last like an eel.

[Illustration: Z]




                     RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED,
                      BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND
                            BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                          _By OLIVER HERFORD_


ARTFUL ANTICKS

    By OLIVER HERFORD. Illustrations on every page, attractively
    bound in cloth, 8 by 6¼ in., pp. 112, 2_s._

    ⁂ Humorous verses and illustrations about Animals.

  _Queen_—“This is one of the most delightfully whimsical collections
  of sketches with both pen and pencil which are always so dear to the
  hearts of children. Mr. Herford’s rhymes are full of that simple fun
  which it requires no effort to appreciate, and many of them are
  irresistibly ridiculous; while his graceful sketches show a high
  sense of genuine humour.”


THE BOLD BAD BUTTERFLY

    Crown 8vo., with over 100 humorous illustrations, 2_s._


                     LONDON: GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD.




------------------------------------------------------------------------




Transcriber’s note:

 1. Moved advertisement from p. 2 to end.

 2. Silently corrected typographical errors.

 3. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.