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THE TWINS

and How They Entertained the New Minister

A Farce

by

ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL






Price 10 Cents

Tullar-Meredith Co.
New York                 Chicago


THE TWINS

and How They Entertained the New Minister

A Farce

by

ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL






Price 10 Cents

All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted


[Illustration: Published By
Tullar-Meredith Co.]
265 West 36th Street, New York   14 W. Washington Street, Chicago

Copyright 1914, By Tullar-Meredith Co.
International Copyright Secured




The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister




Characters

  Bobby and Betty, the twins. Rev. J. Jones, the minister.




Scene

A reception room. Enter Betty and the minister.

BETTY. (With a grown-up air.) There! Sit right down, and I’ll see
if Mamma’s in. No, not that one, that’s only for show. The leg’s
broken, and it aint got fixed yet. Take the Morris chair. That’s the
one sister’s beaux always sit in. There, now you’re all comfy. I’ll
tell Mamma you’re here, if she’s in.

REV. J. JONES. Tell her that I am making pastoral calls. I am—

BETTY. Yes, I know who you are. “I’m the new minister,” you was a
going to say, wasn’t you?

BOBBY. (Entering.) ’Twas my turn to answer the doorbell, Betty
Forrest. ’Taint fair! You just camp out in the hall to get ahead of
me! You got the book agent, and the Mission Lady, and now you’ve got
the minister. Course you’ll beat!

REV. J. J. Beat?

BETTY. You can tell him, Bobby, while I go ask Mamma if she’s in.
Sometimes she’s in when she isn’t, and sometimes she isn’t when she
is, and the only way to be sure you won’t get a whipping for telling
it the wrong way, is to go ask her. She’s in her room, I know, but
maybe she isn’t in. You tell him ’bout the new game, Bobby. (She runs
out.)

BOBBY. It’s what we call the Caller’s game. Betty made it up. Betty’s
awful smart to think of new things. You see, Thursday afternoon is
Christine’s day out. Say, aint it funny to call an afternoon a day?
And Mamma don’t like to answer the bell herself, ’cause then she
couldn’t be out if she didn’t want to see the one that rung it, so she
made me and Betty do it, ’n course we hated to be bothered—you know
callers are such a nuisance when you’re busy playing, and Betty
shirked and made me do it most all. So Daddy said if she didn’t do her
share, he’d bring home candy, and give it all to me, ’n then Betty she
made up this game. We’ve each got a little book, and we put down which
caller we answer the bell to and get a piece of candy for each caller,
and if there’s more candy than there is callers, we get two pieces for
each one, and now Betty likes to answer it, and she gets the most
candy every time.

BETTY. (Returning.) That’s ’cause I’m smartest, Daddy says. He says,
“Trust a woman to get the best of a man every time, be they ever so
young.”

REV. J. J. And what did Mamma say?

BETTY. She said, “Mercy me! The minister? I suppose I shall have to go
down, or your Father won’t like it.” What are ministers made for?

REV. J. J. I think I must go. Tell your mother I was sorry not to meet
her.

BETTY. But you got to see her. She’ll be down soon as she puts on her
hair and squeezes her feet into her new tango slippers.

BOBBY. Pa says it’s foolish to try to put a number two shoe on a
number four foot.

REV. J. J. (Rising.) I think I must go now.

BETTY. If you do, she’ll spank me good, for letting you, after she
said she was in. She told me to entertain you nicely till she came
down.

BOBBY. I’ll entertain him. Men like men. Do you play poker?

REV. J. J. Why no, do you?

BOBBY. No, I aint learned how yet, but I thought you might teach me.
This cunning little table is a card table, and the cards are in this
little drawer. (Takes them out.) And these pretty round things are the
chips.

BETTY. They look more like Tiddledy Winks. They use ’em ’stead of
money, ’cause Mamma won’t let ’em play for money. That’s gambling.

BOBBY. They pay the money down town, next day. I know, ’cause I was
with Daddy when he did, and he gave me a quarter not to tell Mamma.
’Sides, Mamma plays Bridge and that’s just as bad, Daddy says.

REV. J. J. Would they like you to tell me this?

BETTY. P’raps not, but you won’t tell, will you? It’s right to tell
the minister bad things, ’cause he’ll forgive you if you pay him
something, and you can do it over again. That’s the way Christine
does. She’s a Catholic. Are you?

REV. J. J. No indeed, my dear.

BOBBY. (Who has gone out, re-enters with a bottle and glass.) Have
some wine? Daddy always entertains this way. It’s a fine flavor. I
drank a bit from the bottom of a glass once, and ’twas awful good, but
Mamma was mad about it.

REV. J. J. Put it back, my boy. I never drink. Ministers never do.

BETTY. My, how thirsty you must get! What do you do when you’ve been
eating salt fish?

REV. J. J. I don’t care for salt fish.

BOBBY. Neither do we, but we eat a lot of it when we’re saving up for
a party.

BETTY. Can you dance the tango?

REV. J. J. No, I don’t dance.

BETTY. That’s too bad. Let me show you how. It’s just as easy! Come
on. (Tries to drag him up.)

REV. J. J. No, I don’t care to dance.

BETTY. I won’t call you awkward, really. You do it so, you know,
(illustrates) but dancing’s no fun alone, you know. You need a girl to
hug. If you learn with me you can do it with the big lady girls, the
ones that you like best, you know.

BOBBY. He don’t dance with ’em, he plays tag.

REV. J. J. Oh no, my boy.

BOBBY. Mamma said so. Daddy said that all the girls were chasing you,
and Mamma said she guessed that you could do your share of the
chasing, all right.

BETTY. I know what you like—fast horses, don’t you?

REV. J. J. Well, I have a horse, of course—

BETTY. Yes, a real spanker! And a narrow buggy to take the girls to
ride. Say, do you hold ’em in, when you go over the “thank you marms”
and take toll? Daddy said he bet you did. He always used to. He calls
it taking toll when he makes me pay him for candy with kisses. I
s’pose the girls would be afraid to say no to a minister, but
sometimes I say no to Daddy, just to tease him, and he calls me a
little flirt, and takes ’em just the same.

REV. J. J. Indeed. How old are you, little girl?

BETTY. I’m eight, ’n so’s Bobby. We’re twins, but I’m the smartest and
the prettiest. Daddy says so. Mamma’s great for bargains, when she’s
shopping, ’n when she bought me, Bobby was throwed in. She didn’t need
a boy, at all, but ’twas a bargain, you know. She bought a five dollar
waist yesterday for four dollars and ninety-five cents. Can you play
the piano?

REV. J. J. No, can you?

BETTY. I can play the scale, and “Tell Aunt Rhody,” and when I’m as
big as you, I shall play all the notes. You can’t do much, can you? Is
that why you’re a minister?

BOBBY. No, it’s ’cause it’s an easy way to earn your living. Daddy
said so. Just stand up in a pulpit and scold the people when they
dassn’t talk back, and have some men pass round plates to get money
for you. They don’t dare not to ’cause folks is looking. Once Daddy
put in a five dollar gold piece by mistake, and he sweared about it
when he got home.

BETTY. Yes, and last Sunday I put in my chewing gum by mistake and he
spanked me ’cause I sweared about it when I got home. He said “Darn!”
was naughty for a girl to say. Why is it?

REV. J. J. Because—

BETTY. Oh, I didn’t ’spect you to tell me. I don’t like to be preached
at. Have you got any s’criptions with you?

REV. J. J. Prescriptions? I’m not a druggist, nor a physician.

BOBBY. Sub ones, she means. Mamma don’t like ’em. She hates begging
ministers. She always signs, you know, ’cause she must, but she can’t
afford to give away a whole dollar, or even half a one, ’cause her
clothes are awful ’spensive, and the dressmaker bothers her awfully
with bills. Oh, wouldn’t you like a cigar? (Takes a cigar case from a
stand and passes it.)

REV. J. J. No indeed. I never smoke, and I hope you never will.

BOBBY. Oh yes I will. It’s lots nicer than chewing. Just you try. Or
are you ’fraid it will make you sick? It did me, when I tried it, but
I’m going to try a cigarette next time. Taint so strong. P’raps you
better.

BETTY. You better not. Maybe your Mamma wouldn’t like it. Mamma
spanked Bobby.

REV. J. J. My dear boy, I sincerely hope—

BOBBY. Mamma’s coming.

BETTY. We’ve entertained you good, haven’t we? We haven’t told
anything we ought to not, have we? ’Cause if we have, we’ll get
spanked and sent to bed, when you’re gone.

BOBBY. If we have, don’t you tell. Be a good sport, and don’t tattle.
Here comes Mamma.

BETTY. And she’s got her new dress on. We’ve entertained him, Mamma!

(Minister rises, as lady enters room, hand outstretched.)


CURTAIN


[Illustration]




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  Our Five Money Getters


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  Libretto by Edith S. Tillotsen         Music by Various Composers

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A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid,
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  THE OLD DISTRICT SCHOOL

  A Farce In Two Acts (New Version)

  Book by Wm. Danforth                 Music arr. by Geo. F. Rosche

  [Illustration]

This is a burlesque on the district school of 100 years ago. Ezekiel
Simpkins, the teacher, is the central character. His costume is a
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  THE VISION OF HENSEL

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  Libretto by Ellan N. Wood

  [Illustration]

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  THE CHAPERON

  A humorous Operetta in Three Acts

  Libretto by Wm. Danforth                  Music by Geo. F. Rosche

  [Illustration]

“The Chaperon” is a humorous operetta designed for church choir and
young people’s societies. It will be found available in all
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  THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB

  A Humorous Operetta in Two Acts

  Libretto by Harriet D. Castle             Music by Geo. F. Rosche

  [Illustration]

“The Spinsters’ Club” is a humorous operetta designed for church
choirs and young people’s societies. It will be found available in all
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  “CUPID AND THE CHORISTER”

  —or—

  “Herr Lover’s Dilemma”

  _A Musical Entertainment In One Act_

  Libretto by H. MacDONALD BARR              Music by CARL F. PRICE

The most interesting, mirth-provoking entertainment which we have been
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  CAST

  Professor Herr Lover, A little Anxious      _Tenor_
  Xerxes Strong, A little Weak                 _Bass_
  F. Sharp, A little Blunt                 _Baritone_
  Fillup Pipes, A little Big               _Baritone_
  A. Dagio, A little Slow                      _Bass_
  Prophundo Basso, A little Deep               _Bass_
  Ledgoline Topsee, A little High           _Soprano_
  Gracie Note, A little Light               _Soprano_
  Addaline Crescendo, A little Swell           _Alto_
  Miss Keys, A little Inattentive           _Pianist_
  Jim, The Janitor, A little Noisy
  CHORUS


THE STORY

Professor Herr Lover has written a cantata, the rehearsal of which he
is to conduct. He has proposed marriage to the leading soprano,
Ledgoline Topsee, but she is afraid he lacks the quality of patience,
and plans, with the aid of her friends who compose the cast, to
utilize the rehearsal to test him in that respect. After tolerating a
series of aggravating interruptions and delays on the part of the
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  _Price 75 cents per Copy._           _Performing Rights Reserved_




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  NEW PLAYS

  By Elizabeth F. Guptill

  [Illustration]

The School at Mud Hollow. A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 19
Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents.

PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by Miss
Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the
responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud
Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to,
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MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD
HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.


Santa’s Rescue

[Illustration]

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children,
one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the
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FARCES

Taking the Census. Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny
experience in an attempt to gather the facts required by the
government from Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young
son Alexander. Three characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10
cents.

[Illustration]

Answering the Phone. Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most
trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in
their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with
special reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in
which Nora makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous
in the extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister. They have
a delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who
has called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing
their mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is
“Out” when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1
Female. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.


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      *      *      *      *      *      *




Transcriber’s note:

Dialect, obsolete and alternative spellings were left unchanged.

Missing end punctuation was added.

Spelling corrections:

  ‘his’ to ‘this’ …Daddy always entertains this way…

  ‘raises’ to ‘rises’ …(Minister rises, as lady enters room,…