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           AMES’ SERIES OF STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, No. 309.

                         Santa Claus’ Daughter.

                          (_BURLESQUE._)

  WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF
        THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND
               THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLY
                     MARKED FROM THE MOST APPROVED
                              ACTING COPY.


                            PRICE 15 CENTS.


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                          AMES’ PUBLISHING CO.

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                Our Hopeful Son, Farce.
                Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room, Farce.
                Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake, Farce.

                The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge, Farce.
                Hallabahoola, The Medicine Man, Farce.
                The Three Hats, Farce-Comedy.

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                       ALPHABETICAL LIST OF

                     Ames’ Edition of Plays.

           FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED.

   NO.                                                 M.  F.
                             DRAMAS.
  294  Arthur Eustace, 25c                             10  4
    2  A Desperate Game                                 3  2
  164  After Ten Years                                  7  5
   39  A Life’s Revenge                                 7  5
   43  Arrah de Baugh                                   7  5
  100  Aurora Floyd                                     7  2
  125  Auld Robin Gray, 25c                            13  8
   89  Beauty of Lyons                                 11  2
  113  Bill Detrick                                     7  3
  226  Brac, the Poor House Girl                        4  4
   14  Brigands or Calabria                             6  1
  272  Beyond Pardon                                    7  5
  160  Conn; or, Love’s Victory                        11  3
  268  Clearing the Mists                               5  3
  161  Dora                                             5  2
   60  Driven to the Wall                              10  3
  152  Driven from Home                                 7  4
  279  Dutch Jake                                       4  3
  173  East Lynne                                       8  7
  143  Emigrant’s Daughter                              8  3
  162  Fielding Manor                                   9  6
  255  Gertie’s Vindication                             3  3
  300  Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, 25c             5  4
  283  Haunted by a Shadow                              8  2
  117  Hal Hazard, 25c                                 10  3
   52  Henry Granden                                   11  8
   76  How He Did It                                    3  2
  141  Hidden Treasures                                 4  2
   26  Hunter of the Alps                               9  4
  191  Hidden Hand                                     15  7
  194  Lights and Shadows of the Great Rebellion, 25c  10  5
    3  Lady of Lyons                                   12  5
    9  Lady Audley’s Secret                             6  4
  261  Lost in London                                   6  4
   46  Man and Wife                                    12  7
  227  Maud’s Peril                                     5  3
  211  Midnight Mistake                                 6  2
  251  Millie, the Quadroon                             4  1
  163  Miriam’s Crime                                   5  2
   91  Michael Erle                                     8  3
   36  Miller of Derwent Water                          5  2
   34  Mistletoe Bough                                  7  3
  229  Mountebanks (The)                                6  2
  298  New York Book Agent                              7  3
  223  Old Honesty                                      5  2
   81  Old Phil’s Birthday                              5  3
   85  Outcast’s Wife                                  12  3
   83  Out on the World                                 5  4
  196  Oath Bound                                       6  2
   29  Painter of Ghent                                 5  3
  278  Penn Hapgood                                    10  3
  301  Peleg and Peter, 25c                             4  2
   18  Poacher’s Doom                                   8  3
  280  Pheelim O’Rookes’ Curse                          8  3
    5  Phyllis, the Beggar Girl                         6  3
  110  Reverses                                        12  6
   45  Rock Allen                                       5  3
   79  Spy of Atlanta, 25c                             14  3
  275  Simple Silas                                     6  3
  266  Sweetbrier                                      11  5
  144  Thekla                                           9  4
  284  The Commercial Drummer                           6  2
  242  The Dutch Recruit, 25c                          14  3
   67  The False Friend                                 6  1
   97  The Fatal Blow                                   7  1
  119  The Forty-Niners                                10  4
  304  The General Manager                              5  5
   93  The Gentleman in Black                           9  4
  112  The New Magdalen                                 8  3
   71  The Reward of Crime                              5  3
  306  The Three Hats                                   4  3
  105  Through Snow and Sunshine                        6  4
  201  Ticket of Leave Man                              9  3
  293  Tom Blossom                                      9  4
  193  Toodles                                          7  2
  277  The Musical Captain                             15  2
  200  Uncle Tom’s Cabin                               15  7
  290  Wild Mab                                         6  2
  121  Will-o’-the-Wisp                                 9  4
   41  Won at Last                                      7  3
  192  Zion                                             7  4

                       TEMPERANCE PLAYS.
   73  At Last                                          7  1
   75  Adrift                                           5  4
  187  Aunt Dinah’s Pledge                              6  3
  254  Dot: the Miner’s Daughter                        9  5
  202  Drunkard (The)                                  13  5
  185  Drunkard’s Warning                               6  3
  189  Drunkard’s Doom                                 15  5
  181  Fifteen Years of a Drunkard’s Life              13  4
  183  Fruits of the Wine Cup                           6  3
  104  Lost                                             6  2
  146  Our Awful Aunt                                   4  4
   53  Out in the Streets                               6  4
   51  Rescued                                          5  3
   59  Saved                                            2  3
  102  Turn of the Tide                                 7  4
   63  Three Glasses a Day                              4  2
   62  Ten Nights in a Bar-Room                         7  3
   58  Wrecked                                          9  3

                         COMEDIES.
  168  A Pleasure Trip                                  7  3
  136  A Legal Holiday                                  5  3
  124  An Afflicted Family                              7  5
  257  Caught in the Act                                7  3
  248  Captured                                         6  4
  178  Caste                                            5  3
  176  Factory Girl                                     6  3
  207  Heroic Dutchman of ’76                           8  3
  199  Home                                             4  3
  174  Love’s Labor Not Lost                            3  3
  158  Mr. Hudson’s Tiger Hunt                          1  1
  149  New Years in N. Y.                               7  6
   37  Not So Bad After All                             6  5




                         SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER.

                     A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE

                              IN TWO ACTS,

                                   BY
                 EVERETT ELLIOTT AND F. W. HARDCASTLE.

                           TO WHICH IS ADDED
     DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OF THE CHARACTERS—ENTRANCES
                  AND EXITS—RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE
                 PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE
                         OF THE STAGE BUSINESS.

   _Entered according to the act of Congress in the year 1892, by
                       AMES’ PUBLISHING CO.,
     in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington._


                              CLYDE, OHIO:
                          AMES’ PUBLISHING CO.




                     _SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER._
                       _CAST OF CHARACTERS._

  SANTA CLAUS
  GUSSIE DESMYTHE             _Secretary to Santa Claus._
  DENNIS O’ROURKE
  FOOTMAN
  COACHMAN
  MRS. SANTA CLAUS                   _Santa Claus’ wife._
  KITTY CLAUS               _Santa Claus’ only daughter._
  QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES
  FOUR SNOW-FAIRIES
  THE FOUR HOLIDAYS
          _Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years._
  ERIN                              _Goddess of Ireland._

                            _COSTUMES._
SANTA CLAUS.—Complete suit of furs; peaked cap, great-coat,
top-boots.

GUSSIE DESMYTHE.—First dress, smoking jacket, light
pantaloons, slippers. Second dress, dark morning suit.

DENNIS O’ROURKE.—First dress, battered plug hat, red wig,
linen duster, gaiters, worn-out shoes. Second dress, full-dress suit,
ancient cut, striped shirt, exaggerated jewelry.

FOOTMAN AND COACHMAN.—Eccentric and exaggerated livery.

MRS. SANTA CLAUS.—Modern dress.

KITTY CLAUS.—Modern dress.

QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES.—White dress, spangles, crown and wand.

SNOW-FAIRIES.—Same as Queen, except that they wear no crowns.

FOUR HOLIDAYS.—Costumes and colors suggesting days
represented.

ERIN.—White and green dress, trimmed in gold, wreath.

                         _PROPERTIES._

Large book and quill pen for Gussie; carpet bag and cane for O’Rourke;
sleigh bells. Also quizzing glass for Gussie.

                        SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS.

ACT I.—Scene, North Pole Snow Castle. Santa Claus’ home. Song of
the Snow-fairies. Gussie and the Fairies. Santa Claus preparing for
his “night out.” The “Directory.” “The Dude.” Kitty wants to move to
the land of mortals, where men are plenty. Santa Claus’ advice. Song
by Santa Claus and family, “A Model Man.” Gussie, “That’s clevah,
deucedly clevah doncher no?” Gussie’s attempt to sing. Chestnut bell.
Santa Claus’ promise to bring Kitty a man. Astonishment at Kitty’s
rash request. Caught out on a foul. “I’ll bring her a boodler, a
Farmer’s Alliance man,” anything to disgust her with the whole race.
Song—Sleighing song. Departure of Santa Claus for the land of mortals,
in his sleigh and fleet-footed reindeers.

ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and
Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez
chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure
of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a
widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s
acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of
the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The
last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the
throne. Cigarette or two. Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau.
Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world
and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or
remain. Tableau. Curtain.

                        _STAGE DIRECTIONS._

R., means Right; L., Left; R. H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand;

C., Centre; S. E., [2d E.,] Second Entrance; U. E., Upper Entrance;

M. D., Middle Door; F., the Flat; D. F., Door in Flat;

R. C., Right of Centre; L. C., Left of Centre.

            R.      R. C.      C.      L. C.      L.
   ⁂ The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience.




Santa Claus’ Daughter.


ACT I.


    _SCENE._—_A large hall in_ SANTA CLAUS’
             _Snow-palace. Throne-chair_ R. U. E.;
             _table and chair_ L.; _bell cord_ L.;
             _as curtain rises_ GUSSIE _is discovered
              at table_ L., _writing in a large book_.

_Enter_, SNOW-FAIRIES, C., _and come down to front_.

                         SONG OF SNOW-FAIRIES.
   _To the tune of “My Boyhood’s Happy Home Down on the Farm.”_

                 We are fairies of the snow,
                 And every where we go
                 We make the hearts of children glad and gay;
                 From their window seats so warm,
                 They look out upon the storm
                 And dream of future childish sports and play.

       _Chorus._ We fulfill a mission too,
                 As every one should do;
                 Who have a mission worthy of the name,
                 From our home in Northern clime,
                 Come we forth at Christmas time
                 A quiet share in Christmas joys to claim.

                 On earth’s cold and frozen face
                 Each white snow-flake takes its place,
                 All unite a cosy mantle thus to form,
                 Universal mother keep,
                 Covered during winter’s sleep
                 ’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm.

_At close of song_ GUSSIE _comes down to front, makes an extravagant bow
to the_ FAIRIES.

_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncherno, but ladies,
you distract my mind from the duties incident to my exalted office. I
must really ask you to depaht. I must indeed.

_Fai._ (FAIRIES _stamp their feet indignantly and speak in chorus_)
Listen to that! The horrid man! Distract his mind indeed, bah! (_to_
GUSSIE) You never had a mind.

_Gus._ Beg pardon ladies, but it is twue, evewy word twue. This is
Chwistmas Eve and in one hour fwom this time I must have the “World’s
Directory of Deserving Didlets” weady for Santa Claus before he starts
out upon his annual journey.

_Fai._ (_in chorus_) Is that true? Why did you not say so before?

_Queen._ (FAIRIES _go to entrances_ R. _and_ L., QUEEN _goes to_ C.
_All turn and look at_ GUSSIE _as_ QUEEN _says_) Gussie, we go, but we
return; and when we do return we will sing—Comrades!!

                                                 (_exeunt_, FAIRIES

_Gus._ Well, I flatter myself, that was nicely done. Other fellows may
have some trouble in managing the ladies, but it is no trouble at all,
when you know how. Gussie old boy, you are clevah, deucedly clevah.

                        _Enter_, SANTA CLAUS, C.

_Santa._ Well my good fellow, are all things prepared? Is the Directory
ready for my journey to-night?

_Gus._ (_making profound bow_) Yes, your majesty, it will be ready in
fifteen minutes.

                                      (_sits at table_, L., _and writes_

_Santa._ By-the-way, Gus—

_Gus._ (_interrupting_) Gussie, sir, Gussie.

_Santa._ Well, Gussie, how are the children panning out this year? Are
there as many as usual?

_Gus._ More, your majesty, many more.

_Santa._ More? Well, well! And the Smiths, I suppose there are a few
Smiths left?

_Gus._ Ah! your majesty, their name is Legion!

_Santa._ Legion! Eh? Um, ah! yes, Legion. Well, it may rest us a
little to have them change their name. What is it Shakespeare has to
say on the subject of changing names? Smith—Smith—by any other name
would—um—no! no! that is not exactly what I want.

       (_walks up and down stage, hands behind his back, meditatively_

_Gus._ Oh! I say, your majesty, have you heard of the accident?

_Santa._ Accident? Whose accident?

_Gus._ The Jones’, sir.

_Santa._ The Jones’? And what is the matter with the Jones’?

_Gus._ (_sorrowfully_) Dead!

_Santa._ What, dead? All dead?

_Gus._ Oh no! your majesty, not all of them, but Johnny and his sister
Sue—

_Santa._ (_starting towards_ GUSSIE _angrily_) Villain, I fain would
smite thee! (_stops suddenly and draws hand across forehead_) No! no!
what would I do? Destroy the last lingering specimen of an almost
extinct race? I will spare thee, dude. Proceed with thy labors. (SANTA
_walks up and down stage thoughtfully, while_ GUSSIE _makes a great
show of writing in his book_. SANTA _stops to watch him as he writes
all the way across one page and as far to one side as he can reach_)
What are you doing there?

_Gus._ Your majesty, I am writing the name of the child of a Russian
exile, but I fear you will have to carry a few K’s and Z’s loose in
your pocket, for of a verity the book will not contain them all. (_gong
heard striking off_ L., SANTA _listens_, GUSSIE _starts_) Great smoke,
I am discovered! There goes that chestnut bell!

_Santa._ It is the ninth hour; I must hasten. (_to_ GUSSIE) Summon my
household that I may bid them good-by. (GUSSIE _pulls bell-rope_, L.,
_great noise of tin pans, cans, cat calls, etc., heard_) There, there,
that will do. We do not want to perform the miracle of raising the dead.

FAIRIES _rush in_ R., HOLIDAYS L., MRS. CLAUS C., _followed by_ KITTY

_Mrs. C._ Wh-wh-where’s the fire!

_Omnes._ Yes, where’s the fire.

_Santa._ The fire? There is no fire my dears.

_Mrs. C._ (_seizing_ SANTA’S _sleeve and trying to lead him off_ L.)
Then let us get out of this house at once, hubby, there is going to be
an earth-quake! Didn’t you hear that noise?

_Gus._ Oh! pshaw, that was only a fall in the temperature.

_Omnes._ Is that so? Oh! I am so glad.

_Santa._ Yes, but I don’t want you to be glad. It is very disrespectful
in you, to say the least, to be glad at a time like this.

_Mrs. C._ Why my dear hubby, what is the matter with the time?

_Santa._ The matter is, my dear, that I am going to leave you presently.

_Omnes._ Going to leave us?

_Kitty._ Going to leave us? Why papa, you will be too early for the
World’s Fair.

_Santa._ I am not going to the World’s Fair, daughter. Have you
forgotten that this is Christmas Eve, my regular night out?

_Mrs. C._ Why, so it is; I had forgotten. To-night you go forth
to distribute gum-drops, drums and dollies to the children of all
Christendom. It is very kind of you my dear, I am sure, and I am sorry
that you are compelled to tear yourself away, but you will return
to-morrow?

_Santa._ I am glad that you appreciate me, my dear. Let me advise you
to keep a good thing while you have it.

_Kitty._ Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man.
Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the
North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison.

_Santa._ Daughter, I am an exceptional creature in every way. Thank the
Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen
of the race than your papa.

_Gus._ (GUSSIE _giggles_) Speaking of men, how about me?

                           (_swaggers with thumbs in arm holes of vest_

_Omnes._ Oh! you don’t count; you’re a dude.

                                          (GUSSIE _retires discomfited_

_Kitty._ Papa, are men as scarce in the land of mortals as they are
here?

_Santa._ No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around
to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a
compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so.

_Kitty._ (_rapturously_) Oh! papa, let’s move!

_Mrs. C._ Why, what is the matter with the child? (_goes over to_
KITTY) My dear you must be ill: come, take a milk-shake and go to bed.

_Gus._ (_aside_) Milk-shake! I believe I am feeling a kind of goneness
too.

_Santa._ No! no, there is nothing the matter with the child, only a
little natural curiosity, that is all; but Kitty you would better
remain content to know no man but your papa; he is an exceptional
creature, I assure you.

_Omnes._ Yes, your papa is a model man.

_Santa Claus sings_

                       A MODEL MAN.

     It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me,
     I have in some queer way escaped total depravity.
     Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve,
     There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe.

  _Chorus._
     He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus.
     He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause;
     Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can,
     But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man.

     Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss,
     But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss;
     Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be;
     I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me.

  Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn,
     But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn,
     And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look back
     Upon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track.

_Gus._ Well now that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. Methinks I’ll
warble a little myself.

                                                   (_starts down stage_

_Omnes._ Oh! spare us, spare us!

                                 (_stopping him_

_Gus._ Just as you please ladies, but it is your misfortune that you do
not appreciate good music.

_Kitty._ Papa, that is a very pretty custom of yours, of every year
giving presents to the children of mortals; so pretty indeed, that I
wonder you have not tried it at home, that you have never given your
daughter a Christmas present.

_Santa._ My dear child, it would be useless; the wealth of my kingdom
is at your command; your every wish is gratified. What more could I
give you than you already have?

_Kitty._ But surely, surely, there is something in the land of mortals
which I have not. Could you not bring me a gift from there?

_Santa._ I had not thought of that. Yes, ask what e’er thou wilt, be it
in my power to do so I will grant it.

_Kitty._ You have given your word.

_Santa._ Yes, and my word is worth twenty piastries on the dollar.

_Kitty._ Then papa, bring me—bring me—a man!

_Mrs. C._ What is the child saying?

_Omnes._ She says she wants a man!

_Santa._ (_aside_) Caught out on a foul! How am I to get out of this
predicament? I have given my word and I would rather break a dollar
bill than break my word. (_thinks_) Ah, I have it! I will bring her a
man, but oh, such a man! I will bring her a boodler, a fee-grabber, a
Farmer’s Alliance advocate, ha! ha! ha! She will be disgusted with the
whole race and I will save my honor and my child. (_turns to_ KITTY.)
Daughter, you shall have your man.

      _During this speech all indulge in business of surprise at_
                        KITTY’S _rash request_.

_Kitty._ Papa, you are a gem!

_Santa._ A gem, daughter? You mean a jewel do you not?

_Gus._ No she means tin-types; three for a quarter, doncherno.
(_sleigh-bells heard off_ R., GUSSIE _in horror_) Great smoke! There
goes that chestnut bell again.

_Santa._ Ah! my sleigh and my fleet-footed reindeers are ready. I must
away.

                  _Enter_, FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN, C.,
               _and stand one on each side of entrance_.

_Footman._ Your majesty, we are ready.
                                                            (_bows low_

_Santa._ And so am I. My friends you well might envy me my ride
to-night, with the pale moon shining overhead and the white snow
gleaming beneath the feet of my fleet-footed reindeers. And the bells,
what melody their little metal tongues peal forth upon the frosty air.
Surely it is a subject worthy the pen of a poet; the description of a
sleigh-ride on a night like this.

_Santa Claus sings_

                               SLEIGHING SONG.
                _To the tune of “The Village Blacksmith.”_

                Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle;
                Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh;
                How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle,
                What’s the reason why?
                Ancient and hoary though I be,
                My beard a cloud of gray,
                There is no other sport to me
                Like riding in a sleigh.

      _Chorus._ Ancient and hoary though he be
                His beard a cloud of gray,
                He says “There is no other sport to me
                Like riding in a sleigh.”

                Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells,
                Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air.
                What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells,
                Joy without a care.
                Swift as swallows in their flight
                My eight fleet reindeers go,
                With stars above to furnish light
                Reflected by the snow.

_Repeat chorus softly as_ SANTA CLAUS _exits_ C., _followed by_ FOOTMAN
_and_ COACHMAN, _the rest gazing after him_.

                                CURTAIN.

                             END OF ACT I.




                                ACT II.


    _SCENE._—_Same as in Act I. Sleigh bells heard in distance
              coming nearer, until they stop at_ C.; SANTA CLAUS
             _enters_ C., _followed by_ GUSSIE _and preceded by_
              FOOTMAN.
                                                (_Exit_, FOOTMAN.

_Gus._ Your majesty has returned. You are even more prompt than usual.
No one would suspect that those venerable whiskers of yours had been
silvered by the frosts of many hundreds of winters.

_Santa._ No, Gus my boy, time has no power to dampen the ardor
of old Santa Claus, nor to make him the less able to perform his
self-appointed duties. But that reminds me Gus.; last night my daughter
made a strange request. You heard it did you not?

_Gus._ Yes, your majesty, I heard it, and thought it strange that you
should make the promise that you did.

_Santa._ And so it was, and would have been much worse than strange had
not a happy thought struck me with a force like unto a hod of falling
bricks.

_Gus._ In other words, you had an idea.

_Santa._ Right you are; and as a reward for your years of faithful
service I propose to share it with you.

_Gus._ (_aside_) I wish his idea would take the form of an increase in
my salary. Ten dollars a month scarce suffices to keep me in raiment
befitting my noble birth and high position, doncherno.

_Santa._ What were you saying, Gus?

_Gus._ I was saying, your majesty, that I would indeed be proud to
share your first idea with you.

_Santa._ Well then, this is the scheme: I have brought back with me a
man as green as the green isle from which he came, a regular Paddy of
the old school. My daughter, having seen no men but you and me, will
conclude that he is one of the choicest specimens of his species, and
will thus be disenchanted.

_Gus._ The scheme looks well upon the face of it; I only hope that it
may conclude even as your majesty wishes.

_Santa._ You hope that it may work! Why sir, it _must_ work! Think of
the position I would be in should my daughter ever marry! In six short
months or less, my son-in-law would have my throne and I would lose my
job; mayhaps, shorn of my kingly robes, be slinging hash to earn my
daily bread.

                                                       (_shudders_

_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove.

_Santa._ What is that? Clever, did you say?

_Gus._ I mean, your majesty, that it was very clevah of you to
extricate yourself from such a trying situation.

_Santa._ Oh! yes, that’s different; and now I will proceed to unfold my
plans to you.

_Gus._ Proceed by all means.

_Santa._ I have ordered the terrier to be brought into this room,
and have also requested that my daughter come here. We will conceal
ourselves and enjoy her astonishment at her first meeting with her man.

                  (O’ROURKE’S _voice heard off_ L.

_O’Rourke._ Can’t yez let go av me arrums, yez miserable dagos? Do yez
think Oi can’t walk alone at all, at all?

_Santa._ Ah! there he comes. Now then.

                                     (_they hide behind throne-chair_

          _Enter_, O’ROURKE L., _with_ FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN
                         _holding to his arms_.

_O’Rourke._ Come now, yeez hand-organ aristocrats, lave go me
arrums. (FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _bow to him and exit_, C.) (O’ROURKE
_shivering_) Oh moy, oh moy, Oi don’t know whether this is an oice-crame
saloon or a refrigerator car, but wan thing Oi do know, an’ that same
is that this overcoat of moine is too foine for me prisint station in
loife. (_sees bell-rope_) Helloa, phwat’s that? Oi think Oi’ll give her
a pull and see if it won’t turrun on the stame. (_pulls rope, great
noise heard off_ L., O’ROURKE _terrified_) Oh Oi say now, phwat a
commiseration Oi’ve created, to be share.

                          _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C.

Oh, get out av this, get out av this! You little spalpeen; can’t yez
lave me alone at all, at all.

_Foot._ I have answered the bell sir, what is your wish?

_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) Oh, Oi see, he has come to take my order.
(_aloud_) Oi say, send me up a ton of coal and a match; do yez moind?

_Foot._ We have no coal, sir.

_O’Rourke._ Will yez listen to that now! Yez have no coal, is it? Thin
phwat do yez do for a foire, say now?

_Foot._ We use no fire, sir; we do not feel the cold.

_O’Rourke._ Yez don’t feel the could? Well thin, Oi do just that same.
Yez can take moi ordher for a suit of clothes if yez plaze, sor.

                                                   (_exit_, FOOTMAN, C.

Well, what a quare set of crathures these are to be sure, and what a
quare fix yez has got yerself into, McGinnins ould bye. Lasht night
I was promenading down the streets of me native city whin suddintly
biz—whiz—siz—and along came a sleigh pulled by six milch cows with
forked horruns and a little man insoide all covered over with whiskirs.
Thin out jumped thim little Frinch dagos, took hould of moi arrums
and chucked me into that sleigh so quick Oi couldn’t draw moi breath;
it’s down at the Bank yet. Oh, if Oi’d only had moi good shillelah
then; Oi’d have cracked them wance or twice so Oi would. Thin,
biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t
have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to
keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will.

                                 (_dances around the room to keep warm_

              _Enter_, KITTY, C., _unobserved by_ O’ROURKE
                     _and watches him for a time_.

_Kitty._ What are you doing there?

_O’Rourke._ (_still dancing and not looking around_) Kaping warrum to
be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers?

_Kitty._ Are you a man?

_O’Rourke._ Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty
of Venus?

                                           (_strokes his chin whiskers_

_Kitty._ Then you must be the man my papa was to bring me.

_O’Rourke._ Yis, Oi’m yer man. (_stops dancing and looks at her_) Why,
begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland?

_Kitty._ My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am
the daughter of Santa Claus.

_O’Rourke._ Was that him what tore me away from moi home and kindred
last noight?

_Kitty._ I suppose so.

_O’Rourke._ Then, Miss Claus, Oi shall have yer father prosecuted for
cruelty to animals. That’s phwat Oi will. (_motions_ KITTY _to come
nearer_) Come here, now, come here, come here. (KITTY _comes to his
side_, O’ROURKE _in a stage whisper says_) Do yez chew gum?

_Kitty._ No sir, my mamma says I mustn’t.

_O’Rourke._ Well now, that’s a good girrul. Here is a penny; go to the
blacksmith’s and get a bun. Say, do you play on the type-writer?

_Kitty._ Play on the type-writer?

_O’Rourke._ To be coorse.

                    (_goes through motions of writing with his fingers_

_Kitty._ What is that? I never saw a type-writer.

_O’Rourke._ Never saw a type-writer? Oh moi child, moi child, Oi fear
your musical eddication has been sadly neglected.

_Kitty._ I hope not, sir. I can sing quite well; at least so my papa
says. Shall I sing for you?

_O’Rourke._ Yis, sing to me.

_Kitty._ What shall I sing?

_O’Rourke._ Oh, Oi don’t, care; anything but “Marguerite.”

_Kitty._ Well then, how would you like to hear “The Song That Reached
My Heart?”

_O’Rourke._ Oh, don’t do that, don’t do that. Oi’ve got the toothache.

_Kitty._ You are hard to please, sir; but if you do not care to
hear the song that reached my heart, I will sing you one of my own
composition, written upon a theme which is nearest my heart, “The
Pleasure of Catching a Man.”

_Kitty sings_

         THE PLEASURE OF CATCHING A MAN.
     _Music, “McSarley’s Most Elegant Twins.”_

    I’ve a question momentous I wish to propound
    To matrons and maidens alike:
    If you lived in a land where men are not found,
    Don’t you think you would go on a strike?
    What’s the use of fine features, of bright eyes and curls,
    When no one is by to admire?
    I’ve tried it, and know what I’m saying, dear girls,
    Of that kind of life you’d soon tire.

    _Chorus._ In childhood it’s dollies, it’s novels for girls,
    But tell me my friends if you can,
    Where’s the pleasure in life for a girl of eighteen
    Like the pleasure of catching a man?

    Each day like the former a burden time hangs
    On your hands; life itself is a bore.
    With not even ambition to curl your bangs,
    And your mirrors with dust covered o’er,
    You would turn with disgust from a tailor-made gown,
    From diamonds, lace and all that,
    And in extreme cases one might even frown
    At a love or a duck of a hat.

    You have heard of the blossom whose sweetest perfume
    Was wasted upon desert air,
    But the aimless existence of this pretty bloom
    Does not for a moment compare
    With the life of a maiden, the victim of Fate,
    Compelled to live out life’s span
    In a country that does not provide her a mate,
    Too poor to furnish a man.

_O’Rourke._ That’s a foine song, to be sure; beautiful sentiment and
all that, but are you really in earnest about this matter?

_Kitty._ Indeed I am.

_O’Rourke._ Thin how would yez loike to become Mrs. O’Rourke?

_Kitty._ (_running toward him_) Oh! do you really mean—(_turning away_)
er—er—this is so sudden—you must give me time to think.

_O’Rourke._ “Think it over!” Yes, an’ whoile yez is thinkin’ it over
Oi’ll be sthandin’ here frazin’ to death. Yez’ll have to do yer
thinkin’ purty quick Miss Claus, or yez’ll be a widdy before yez is
married, so you will.

_Kitty._ Are you really cold, dear? Why of course you are; how stupid
of me to forget that you are not used to such a rigorous climate and
those clothes of yours are hardly the proper thing for this frigid
zone. I suppose you did not have time to change your clothes.

_O’Rourke._ To be coorse Oi didn’t have toime to get a shave even.
(_strokes whiskers_) Bad cess to that father of yours.

_Kitty._ Poor man, how you must suffer. Come with me. I will have the
court tailor take your measure for a suit of furs and the servants
shall see that you are provided with a fire.

_O’Rourke._ Kitty, yez is a good girrul; but Oi say, would yez moind
sinding up a ham and some hen-fruit.

_Kitty._ Hen-fruit?

_O’Rourke._ Yis, some eggs, you know.

_Kitty._ Oh! of course not. You shall have something to eat at once.

                                                    (KITTY _goes to_ C.

_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) McGinnis ould bye, yer in luck this toime to be
sure. What a pity it is we can’t all be borrun with silver spoons in
our pockets. Jist look at me now! Oi’m goin’ to have a shquare meal, a
shute of clothes and perhaps a woife, and whin Oi get her Oi’m goin’
right back to ould Erin and—(_stops to think_) Ah! there’s the rub. How
am Oi goin’ to get back to Erin? (_aloud_) Well Kitty, Oi’m with yez
whoile the grub lashts.

                                                          (_exeunt_, C.

          SANTA CLAUS _and_ GUSSIE _come from behind throne_.

_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah!

_Santa._ Oh Gussie! Gussie! Would you add insult to injury by mocking a
poor old man whose only daughter is about to break her father’s heart
by becoming the wife of a potato-masher?

_Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but the potato-masher seems to have
crushed us very successfully. He has quite a fetching way with the
ladies too. I couldn’t have managed that little romance better myself.

_Santa._ But what is to be done to avert this dreadful calamity?

_Gus._ Send the terrier away, of course.

_Santa._ Impossible! The man would die of cold and hunger. You seem
to forget, Gussie, that we are surrounded with ice and snow, piled
mountain-high. How many brave explorers from the land of mortals have
lost their lives in the attempt to penetrate the mysteries of the North
Pole.

_Gus._ But can you not take the man away as you brought him here?

_Santa._ Have you also forgotten that one of the conditions of my
becoming immortal and the Christmas Saint was that I was not to leave
these icy fastnesses but once each year? I can not take this man away
until next year on Christmas Eve, in that time who knows what dreadful
things may happen?

                                                (_completely un-nerved_

_Gus._ Your majesty, give me leave to think.

_Santa._ Yes, Gussie, think! think! I know not if dudes have a thinker,
but if you have thinks to think, prepare to think them now Gussie,
prepare to think them now. (SANTA _drops in chair at table overcome by
emotion, while_ GUSSIE _walks up and down the room in comical attitude
of thinking_.) Your thinker seems to be working rather slowly, Gussie;
time is very precious to me now.

                           (GUSSIE _stops suddenly and claps his hands_

_Gus._ I have it!

_Santa._ Good! What is it?

_Gus._ It is a plan to circumvent this Hibernian rogue, a very simple
plan, but clever, deucedly clever and reflects great credit upon it’s
author.

_Santa._ Gussie, if your plan succeeds, I’ll raise your salary to
$12.00 a month.

_Gus._ I hear some one approaching. I will not have time to explain my
plan in detail, but you must promise to make no objection to any of my
actions while I am carrying the plan out, and I assure you all will be
right in the end.

           _Enter_, O’ROURKE, R. U. E.

_Santa._ (_hesitating_) I will do as you wish.

                                                  (_exit_, L.

  O’ROURKE _advances forward looking admiringly at himself
                     in a new suit of clothes_.

_O’Rourke._ Begorra, it’s a foine display Oi’m makin’ now. Oi’m a
worker from Cork so Oi am, and—(_sees_ GUSSIE) Oh! take it away, take
it away!

_Gus._ This is Mr. O’Rourke, I believe. I must take the liberty of
introducing myself. I am Gussie de Smythe, Grand Illustrious Scribe and
Supreme Confidential Clerk to his Majesty, Santa Claus, Ruler of the
Kingdom of the North Pole.

_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) He looks like a grand illustrated squib from
“Puck.” (_aloud_) Oi say, could you say that again and say it real
slow? You ought to be more careful about makin’ payple acquainted wid
doubtful characters. Howsomever, Oi don’t moind a little thing loike
that in a could counthry loike this. Oi’m quite fond of curiosities
moiself, so Oi am.

_Gus._ Sir, this unseemly levity is far from being as clevah as you
suppose, in fact it is quite the contrary, doncherno; but to proceed to
business—you know the purpose for which you were brought here, do you
not?

_O’Rourke._ Well thin, Oi don’t jist that same; Oi don’t know nawthin’
about it at all, at all an’ that’s phwat’s the matter with me, so it is.

_Gus._ Then I can enlighten you upon that point. You were brought here
to ascend the throne and become the successor of Santa Claus as ruler
of the Kingdom of the North Pole.

_O’Rourke._ You don’t say; an’ how much will Oi git fur that job now?

_Gus._ Oh! you will have this beautiful palace, innumerable servants
and countless wealth at your disposal.

_O’Rourke._ But how about the wurruk? Phwat’s moy hours?

_Gus._ You will have no work to do, nothing to do but sit on your
throne and make laws for the government of your Kingdom. A monarch
is never supposed to do anything for himself; there will be hosts of
servants at hand to do your bidding; and I, as your private secretary,
will ever be at your side ready to carry out your desires as soon, or
even before, they are expressed.

_O’Rourke._ All roight, Oi’ll go you wan for luck. Begorra this job is
ace and joker ahead of the perlice force.

_Gus._ I am glad that you are willing to assume the responsibilities
of the office sir. No time need be lost; we will proceed with the
coronation ceremonies at once.

                                    (_pulls bell-rope: noise as before_

_O’Rourke._ The corneration ceremonies? An’ phwat might them same be
now?

_Gus._ You shall soon see. I have summoned all of the royal household,
including Santa Claus himself; he will renounce his title and the
throne, and will publicly proclaim you king with the title of Santa
Claus the II.

    O’ROURKE _struts up and down the stage arranging his
        collar and tie_. SANTA CLAUS _enters_ L. U. E.,
       _with_ MRS. CLAUS _and_ KITTY _on either arm; comes
        down stage_ L., _followed by the_ HOLIDAYS; FAIRIES
       _enter_ R. U. E.; FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _enter_ C.,
       _and stand on each side of the door_.

_O’Rourke._ Ah! there’s Kitty. Swate girrul, that Kitty. Oi say, Kitty,
ain’t Oi a darlint in my new suit of clothes?

_Kitty._ You are indeed a charming creature, Mr. O’Rourke. Are you for
sale?

_O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know. Oi’ll come hoigh if Oi am. Oi’m the only wan
av me that’s left.

GUSSIE _takes position in front, clears his throat and makes a few
preliminary gestures as if preparing to make a speech_.

_Gus._ Friends, Romans, Countrymen—

_O’Rourke._ Naw you don’t! Naw you don’t! You don’t borry anything from
me at all, at all.

_Gus._ (_ignoring the interruption_) I have summoned you here to
witness the coronation ceremonies of Mr. McGinnis O’Rourke, whom I now
proclaim King of the North Pole with the title of Santa Claus II.

_Santa._ (_going over to_ GUSSIE _and speaking angrily_) What
are you saying, sir? This is treason! Do you hear? Treason!

               (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime of explaining to_ SANTA

_O’Rourke._ Do yez hear that now? Oi’m going to be King, so Oi am; and
Kitty, you shall be moy bride and do me washin’. You’re a princess now
Oi belave, but Oi’m going to make yez a rale queen. Do yez hear, Kitty
moy darlint? A rale queen and you shall have a new piece of gum ivery
day, so you shall.

_Mrs. C._ What is that dreadful man saying? Come Kitty my child, you
must not stay here to be insulted in this way.

                                         (_tries to lead_ KITTY _off_ R.

_Santa._ (_speaking aloud as he returns to his wife’s side_) All right,
Gussie, my boy; but be careful, be very careful.

                         (_pantomime of persuading his wife to remain_

_Gus._ Well, Mr. O’Rourke, are you prepared to take the coronation oath?

_O’Rourke._ No sir! Oi niver shware. Oi’m not abducted to the use av
profanity in any forrum sir.

_Gus._ Well, I suppose the taking of the oath would be a useless
formality in your case; we will dispense with it. (_to_ FOOTMAN _and_
COACHMAN) Bring in the royal diadem to crown his gracious majesty and
the royal sceptre, the symbol of his power.

           FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _exit_ C., _and return with
                  a large crown and a feather duster_.

_Gus._ Your majesty, in investing you with these symbols of royalty I
feel that I am conferring an unique distinction upon this people by
giving them for a ruler a man the like of whom has never before escaped
captivity.

_Omnes._ Hear! Hear!

    FOOTMAN _places crown on_ O’ROURKE’S _head, he having
       been led to the throne and seated thereon by_
       GUSSIE, _who takes feather duster from_ COACHMAN
       _and brushes it across_ O’ROURKE’S _face_.
       O’ROURKE _sneezes and fumbles in his pocket for a
       handkerchief_. GUSSIE _takes it from him and wipes
       his nose for him_. FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _retire
       to_ C.

_O’Rourke._ Begorra, Oi’ve a notion to swipe yez for that, so Oi have.

_Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but it is one of the privileges of my
exalted office to perform all little services of that kind for our
king. As I told you, a monarch is never permitted to do anything for
himself. There yet remains the Coronation song.

                       CORONATION SONG.
            _To the tune of “This House is Haunted.”_

    _Gus._ I now proclaim you our king, our monarch,
           And we your vassals true will be;
           Be gracious to us, do not refuse us,
           Thou brightest gem of royalty.

    _Mrs. C._ O! never fear, Gus., he’ll not refuse us,
              How could you look for that from such as he?

    _Gus. and Mrs. C._ He’s much too greedy and likewise seedy
                       From such a snap as this to flee.

    _Chorus._ We now proclaim you our king, our monarch
              And we your vassals true will be,
              Be gracious to us, do not refuse us,
              Thou brightest gem of royalty.

    _Kitty._ We have a man now lately imported
             From over the sea, the Emerald Isle;
             We must not lose him, I will amuse him,
             Each idle moment I’ll be beguile.

    _Santa._ Oh never fear, dear, he will remain here,
             He will not haste to leave us yet a while.

    _Kitty and Santa._ But if he would go, he could not do so,
                       Becoming an iceberg is not quite his style.

                              (O’ROURKE _falls asleep during the song_

_Santa._ Well I declare, the fellow has actually fallen asleep!

                                            (_exit_, FAIRIES, R. U. E.

_O’Rourke._ (_starting suddenly_) No Oi’m not asleep naythur. Who said
Oi was asleep, eh? (_yawns; starts to raise his hand to his mouth_;
GUSSIE _places his own hand over_ O’ROURKE’S _mouth_) By the powers
now, Oi’ve a notion to knock a quart of stars out av yez eyes for that.

                                                           (_sparring_

_Gus._ Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my office to cover
the King’s mouth when he yawns.

_O’Rourke._ It is, is it? Well don’t yez do that same any more while Oi
am King or Oi’ll have yez hanged by the neck until yez are asphixiated,
see?

_Kitty._ Poor man! It is very tiresome work, being a King.

_O’Rourke._ It is just that Miss Kitty; let me advise yez not to try
it. But it will be different when Oi have you for my queen.

_Santa._ That can never be!

_O’Rourke._ Phwat is that? Git out sir, git out! Oi’ll have you
banished to wance.

       (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime imploring_ SANTA _to be silent_

_Gus._ Would your majesty be pleased to review the Amazons, the
defenders of our realm?

_O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know what an Amazon is, but Oi’ll be glad to
interview anything for a change.

    _Enter_, FAIRIES _and_ HOLIDAYS, _and execute a fancy march_.

    _During progress of march_ O’ROURKE _attempts to
       applaud and take part in, in all of which attempts
       he is prevented by_ GUSSIE, _who explains in
       pantomime that it does not become a monarch to
       do anything of these things. At close of march_,
       AMAZONS _take positions on_ R. _and_ L. _of stage_.

O’ROURKE. Well now girruls, that’s foine. Oi think Oi’ll have yez on
guard duty around the throne all the time. Oi’m afraid somebody’ll
stale me, so Oi am. (_to_ GUSSIE, _who is talking to_ KITTY) Here sir,
come away from that! Get me something to eat. Oi hanker for poy.

_Gus._ Your majesty shall have pie in one minute.

                                                     (_talks to_ KITTY

_O’Rourke._ (_astounded_) In wan minute! Ye haythen. Oi am the King and
when Oi want poy Oi want poy, and begorra Oi’m going to have it too.

                  O’ROURKE _starts toward_ C., GUSSIE
 _takes him by the arm and leads him back to throne, and makes sign to_
                        FOOTMAN _who exits_, C.

GUS. Your majesty shall have pie; but this unseemly haste ill befits a
monarch.

          _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C., _with pie on plate_.

_O’Rourke._ Ah! that’s a sight to gladden moy eyes, so it is. Bring the
noble birrud here.

    O’ROURKE _starts to leave throne_; FOOTMAN _kneels and
       presents pie_; GUSSIE _takes it from him and eats it
       to the consternation of_ O’ROURKE.

_Gus._ (_with mouth full of pie_) Your majesty, it is one of the
privileges of my exalted office to eat the King’s pie for him,
doncherno?

  (O’ROURKE _grows very angry; leaves the throne and comes down stage_

_O’Rourke._ This is the last ton av coal that broke the camel’s back!
Oi have let yez blow moy nose for me, scratch moy head for me and lead
me around loike a poodle on the end of a shtring, but Oi will let no
cigarette sign av yure soize eat moy poy for me sir! No sir! Not for
Venice! Yez can take yer ould kingdom; it’s nawthin but an Oice-house
anyway. Oi shall go back to Cork, get on the perlice force and eat a
poy-factory ivery day if Oi want to. That’s phwat Oi’ll do.

_Santa._ (_aside to_ GUSSIE) Gussie you’re a jewel of the
first water. I congratulate you upon the success of your scheme.

_O’Rourke._ Kitty, will yez fly wid me?

_Kitty._ Unfortunately sir, I cannot fly, though I wish I could, for
that seems to be the only way by which we can escape this icy prison.

_Santa._ (_to_ GUSSIE) Sir, I denounce you! Your scheme is a
failure. My daughter’s mind remains unchanged. She is ready, even now,
to fly to the end of the earth with this Hibernian babboon!

_Gus._ Your majesty I have done my best; what more could I do. It was a
noble plan and worthy the great brain from which it sprang, but success
and failures are not far distant and I have fallen just outside the
foul-line.

_O’Rourke._ Yez is a quare birrud, Mr. Gus.

_Santa._ Yez, you have failed. And failed in such a way that the
dread calamity which you have endeavored to avert is now nearer than
before. What shall I do? What _shall_ I do? Ah, that is the question;
whether it were better to wed my daughter to this billy-goat and set at
rest, at once, this most vexatious question, or look me further for a
son-in-law. Ah! ha! I have a scheme! I’ll ask this man some questions
in the presence of my vassals here. An examination I’ll conduct more
strict than ever Civil Service knew. (_to_ O’ROURKE) Here sir,
I would a word with you.

_O’Rourke._ All roight sor, apake out. Don’t be timid in the presence
av royalty.

_Santa._ As the father of the girl, whose hand you seek in marriage, I
claim the privilege of inquiring concerning your antecedents.

_O’Rourke._ Av coorse, av coorse.

_Santa._ Who was your great-grandfather?

_O’Rourke._ A man sor, and an Oirishman at that. He could foight sor
loike a dog and drink the craythure loike a fish dhrinking wather. And
such a jolly man he was too at a wake. Oi often wonder that the corpse
itself didn’t come to loife to take a hand in the fistivities.

_Santa._ Your future prespect, sir, what are they? I mean—what shekels
are at your command.

_O’Rourke._ A dollar and twenty kopecks is all Oi have at prisint, sor,
but Oi have a political pull that can be cashed at a moment’s notice.

_Santa._ Your health is good of course; your digestion unimpaired?

_O’Rourke._ And was yez spaking of moy digestion now? Begorra, jist
connect me wid a shquare meal and Oi’ll show yez phwat Oi can do in
that same line, so Oi will.

_Santa._ Such a foolish act as that would only serve to bankrupt our
kingdom. But one more question I would ask; dost ever gamble, drink or
smoke?

_O’Rourke._ Naythur av the former sor, but on accasions whin Oi would
be quite shwell Oi shmoke a cigarette or two.

_Santa._ Ah, fiend! Away with him!

_Omnes._ Shameful, shameful! A crime deserving death!

                              (AMAZONS _form a circle around_ O’ROURKE

_Mrs. C._ (_to_ KITTY) My daughter, see what a fate thy rash
infatuation would have consigned thee to.

_Kitty._ I’ll save him yet and reform him. That is the mission of a
pretty girl; to make at least one man better.

    _While_ KITTY _is speaking Tableau curtain at back opens and_
         ERIN, _the_ GODDESS _of Ireland, appears. She steps
          majestically to_ C. _of stage_.

_Erin._ O’Rourke, thou’rt found at last,
        I’ve searched for thee both far and wide
        For many hours past.
        Why from thine own native land
        To this place didst thou roam?
        Come sir, come hence with me,
        I fain would see thee home.

_O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi want to go home, Oi want to go home; take me
home—(_stops suddenly_) But what about Kitty?

_Erin._ Kitty? What hast thou to do with the child?

_O’Rourke._ She is going to be moy woife, ain’t you KITTY, me darlint?
Oi was going to make her moy queen, but Oi couldn’t even make a queen
of moyself now.

_Erin._ Think of the maids of thy native isle,
        That emerald gem of the sea;
        Return at once and there we’ll find
               A fairer bride for thee.
        With eyes so bright and skin so fair,
        And voices like the linnet,
        Those Irish girls they beat the world
        And Kitty isn’t in it.

_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, doncherno I believe I
will emigrate myself.

_O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi know about them Oirish girruls; they are foine to
be coorse, but they are not moine and Kitty is, and that makes all the
difference in the wirruld.

_Erin._ O’Rourke, will you go?

_O’Rourke._ Kitty, will you go?

                                      (KITTY _nods her head in assent_

_O’Rourke._ Oi’ll pack me Saratogy and be wid ye in wan minute.

                                 (_exit_, L. U. E., _followed by_ ERIN

_Mrs. C._ Kitty, you must not go. Think of your parents left
languishing over your loss, living alone and childless in this land of
eternal snow.

_Santa._ And if you must marry, why not marry Gussie? He is certainly a
far handsomer and more suitable husband than this Irishman.

_Gus._ Oh! I say now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah. I am agreeable
and leave the matter entirely with Miss Kitty, doncherno.

_Kitty._ Bah! A dude lacks five points of being equal to no husband.
I’ll marry a _man_ or never wed. (_sadly_) Shall I go or stay? I can
divide my love, but not myself, and—

    _TABLEAU._—_Scene opens at back, showing_ O’ROURKE _dressed
       as in first act, with grip and cane in hand_. ERIN _tries
       to lead him away. He stretches one hand imploringly
       toward_ KITTY, _who moves slowly toward him and extends
       both her hands, one of which_ O’ROURKE _takes_. MRS.
       CLAUS _rushes forward and seizes the other and tries to
       lead her back_. SANTA CLAUS _makes a gesture commanding_
       O’ROURKE _to begone_.


                                CURTAIN.

                                THE END.




                   THEATRICAL AND Fancy Costume Wigs.


           Attention is called to this List of WIGS, BEARDS,
                        MUSTACHES, WHISKERS, &c.

       We employ a Wig-maker especially to manufacture goods for
             our trade, and can guarantee satisfaction. All
               goods made under our personal supervision.

In ordering be careful to state every particular, _i. e._, size, color,
etc. Any wig for special character or occasion can be made to order.

  White Old Man                          $4 50
  Iron Gray                               4 50
  Yankee                                  4 50
  Irish                                   4 50
  Crop, (all colors)                      5 50
  Fright                                  4 00
  Negro                                   1 00
    "   (white old man)                   1 50
    "   (gray old man)                    1 50
    "   (with top knot)                   1 50
    "   (wench)                           5 00
  Sir Peter Teazle                        5 00
  Shylock                                 4 50
  Court Wig with Bag                      4 50
  Court wig with Tie                      4 50
  Paul Pry                                4 50
  Dundreary                               5 50
  Light Dress Wig, with parting           5 50
  Rough Irishman                          4 00
  Flaxen Country Boy                      3 50
  Physician or Lawyer—white               5 00
  Dress Wig with Eyebr’ws & Whisk’rs      5 50
  Dress, without parting.                 4 00
  Duplex; can be worn either as male
      or female Wig; very convenient;
      in reality, 2 Wigs in one           6 00
  Flow Wigs, long hair, suitable for
      most Shakesperian characters,
      Fairy Plays, &c.                    5 50
  Dress Scalp, with parting               5 00
  Scalps                                  2 75
  Gentlemanly Irish, with parting         5 00
  Bald Wigs, grey or white,               4 50
  Rip Van Winkle                          4 50
  Grey Dress Wig, with parting,           4 50
  White  "    "    "      "               4 50
  Clowns, in colors,                      4 50
  Plantaloon, Wig and Beard,              5 00
  Robinson Crusœ                          4 50
  Monk                                    4 00
  Box and Cox, 2 Wigs; each Wig           3 50
  Chinaman, with Pigtail,                 5 00
  Dress Wig, superior,                    5 00
  Red and Brown bald Wigs                 4 50

                LADIES
  Court Wig                               6 50
  Grand Dutchess                          6 50
  Lady Teazle                             7 00
  Marie Antonette                         7 50
  Mother-in-Law                           5 50
  Female, plain long hair, so that lady
     can do up as she wishes, a really
     fine wig                            10 00
  Nigger Crape Masks, a substitute for
     blacking the face                    2 00
  Ladies’ Wig, blonds, light and dark,
     brown and black, made up in
     present fashion                      6 00
  Comic Old Woman’s Front Piece          $2 50

   BEARDS, WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &c.

  Side Whiskers & Mustache on wire       $1 25
     Side Whiskers and Mustache on
     wire, superior                       1 50
  Side Whiskers, no Mustache, wire        1 00
  Side Whiskers and Mustache, gauze       2 00
  Side Whiskers and Mustache, on
    gauze, superior,                      2 25
  Side Whiskers, without Mustache,
    on gauze,                             1 50
  Side Whiskers, without Mustache
     on gauze, superior,                  1 75
  Full Beard                              1 75
  Full Beard, superior,                   2 00
  Full Beard without Mustache             1 50
  Full Beard, no Mustache superior        1 75
  Mustache and Chin Beard, combined       2 00
  Imperials                                 30
  Full Chin Beard                         1 25
  Mustaches on wire                         35
      "     "  gauze                        40

  CRAPE HAIR—FOR MAKING FALSE
     WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &C.

  Colors: Black, White, Light Brown,
     Dark Brown, Iron-grey and Red.
     Price, per yard                        25


  Address,
           THE AMES PUBLISHING CO.,
  LOCK BOX 152         CLYDE, OHIO.


                      ARTICLES NEEDED BY AMATEURS.

              MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS, BEARDS, MUSTACHES, Etc.

               PREPARED WOOL IN ALL COLORS. Per oz., 50c.

=TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= Our Tableaux Lights are very easily used and are of
the best manufacture. Plainest directions accompany each. We have the
following colors: Red, Green, Blue, and White. Price each, 25 cents.

=COLORED FIRE IN BULK.= Put up in one-half pound packages. Price per
pound, $1.75; per half pound, $1.00.

=MAGNESIUM TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= A metal capable of being ignited by a
common match, and burning with great brilliancy. This is the best light
for moonlight and statuary. Price per package, 30 cents: per dozen,
$2.50.

=LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.= We will send a FLASH BOX and
material for this purpose, with full printed directions for their use,
to any address, for 50 cents. The effect produced by it will be found
all that can be desired.

=BLUE.= For unshaven faces. This is very necessary in low comedy
characters. Price per box, 25 cents.

=PREPARED BURNT CORK.= For Negro minstrels. This article we can
recommend, as it can be taken off as easily as put on; in which it
differs from most all others manufactured. Enough for 25 performances
in each box. Price per box, 40 cents.

=COCOA BUTTER.= This article is necessary to every lady or gentleman
whether on the stage or in private life, as it smoothes the skin and
keeps it from chapping. It is a very handy means of removing the
make-up, as a piece of Cocoa Butter passed over the face will loosen
all adhesive matter so thoroughly as to admit of being wiped off the
face at once and completely. Should be used before making up. Price, 25
cents.

=CARMINE.= For the face, and to heighten the effect of Burnt Cork in
Negro characters. Price per box, 30 cents.

=PREPARED DUTCH PINK.= For pale, sallow, and wan complexions. Price per
box, 25 cents.

=CHROME.= For sallow complexions, also for lightening the eyebrows,
mustaches, etc. Price per box, 25 cents.

=EMAIL NOIR.= To stop out teeth for old men characters, witches, etc.
Price, 40 cents.

=PREPARED FULLER’S EARTH.= To powder the face before “making up.”
Price, 30 cents.

=JOINING PASTE.= For joining bald fronts of wigs to forehead. Price per
stick, 15 cents.

=MASCARO, or WATER COSMETIQUE.= For darkening the eyebrows and
mustaches, without greasing them, and making them prominent. Brown or
black, 60 cents.

=MONGOLIAN.= For Indians, Mulattoes, etc. Price per box, 30 cents.

=PASTE POWDER.= To enlarge the shape of the nose for low comedy
characters, etc. Price per box, 30 cents.

=PREPARED NOSE PUTTY.= Used for the same purpose as Paste Powder and
used in the same way. Price, 25 cents.

=RUDDY ROUGE.= For sunburnt faces. Most essential for low comedy,
country or seaman’s character. Price per box, 30 cents.

=SPIRIT GUM.= The best in use, prepared expressly for securing
mustaches, etc. Price, 25 cents.

=SKIN MUSTACHE MASKS.= For hiding the mustache in powder costume
pieces, negress characters, etc. Price, 15 cents.

=POWDERED ANTIMONY.= For shading the hollows of the eyes. Price per
box, 30 cents.

=PREPARED WHITING.= For Pantomimes, Clown’s Faces, Statuary, etc. Price
per box, 25 cents.

                 CREAM STICK PAINTS.

  = No.  1=— Very Light Flesh Color.
  = "   2=—Deeper Tint Flesh Color.
  = "   3=—Natural Flesh, }
  = "   4=—Rose Tint,     } For Juvenile
  = "   5=—Deeper Shade,  }   Heroes.
  = "   6=—Healthy Sunburnt.
  = "   7=—Healthy Sunburnt, deeper shade.
  = "   8=—Sallow, for young men.
  = "   9=—Healthy Color, for middle age.
  = "  10=—Sallow, for old age.
  = "  11=—Ruddy.
  = "  12=—Olive, healthy.
  = "  13=—Olive, lighter shade.
  = "  14=—Gipsy Flesh Color.
  = "  15=—Othello.
  = "  16=—Chinese.
  = "  17=—Indian.
  = "  18=—East Indian.
  = "  19=—Jap.

Done up in sticks 4 inches in length at 25 cents each; 8-inch sticks,
50 cents. Lining Colors, 4 inches long, at 10 cents each, except
Carmine which is 15 cents.

A box of Cream Sticks, containing the following colors: Two shades of
Flesh, one Black, one Brown, one Lake, one Crimson, one White, one
Carmine, and a color for Shading Wrinkles, $1.00.

[Illustration]

FOUND AT LAST!

A Pocket Speller, Dictionary, and Memorandum Book Combined.

A Concise Description of Thompson’s Pocket Speller.

It gives the right orthography of all words, (over 22,800) in common
use, and in nearly every instance their definition. It also gives the
right orthography of the given names of men and women, rules for the
use of capitals and punctuation marks, abbreviations of names of states
and territories, letters of introduction and recommendation, definition
of commercial terms, forms of notes, due bills, receipts, letters of
credit, orders for money, merchandise and goods stored, principal
holidays, marriage anniversaries, combination of shades, and carefully
selected laws of etiquette in social and business life, also a silicate
slate for memorandums.

The Speller is bound in leather and indexed, and is of convenient size
to be carried in vest pocket.

    Reasons why this Speller and Dictionary is the most
       desirable book of its kind, and some of the many
       advantages it has over all others.

1. It gives the most complete list of words in common use.

2. It is a Speller, Dictionary, handy companion and memorandum book
combined.

3. It is the only book of the kind that can be conveniently carried in
the vest pocket, being the regular size of memorandum books made for
that purpose.

4. It is the only book of its kind that is indexed.

5. It is the only book of its kind that prints all words pronounced
alike but spelled differently, so they can be distinguished at a glance.

6. It is the only book of its kind that gives the right orthography of
the given names of men and women.

7. It is the only book of its kind that show where the letter _E_ at
the end of a word is to be dropped when adding _ed_ or _ing_.

8. It is the only book of its kind that gives a complete list of the
most practical business forms.

9. It is the only book of its kind that gives the laws of etiquette
in social and business life; these rules alone are worth the price of
Speller.

10. This Speller is bound in two qualities of leather and its price
brings it within the reach of all, being 50 cents, bound with American
Russia leather, Gilt edge and indexed. Bound with imitation Seal, red
edge and not indexed, 25 cents. On receipt of Post Office Order, (for
quality desired) the Speller will be prepaid to any address.

                         Ames’ Publishing Co.,
                  Lock Box 152,          CLYDE, OHIO.

                               Roorbach’s

                          LIST OF NEW PLAYS.
                                                         Male Female
  Broken Promises                                           6 3
  Engaged                                                   5 5
  Sign of Affection                                         2 2
  Single Life                                               5 5
  Wanderer’s Return                                         6 4
  By Force of Impulse                                       9 3
  Woven Web                                                 7 3
  Darkey Wood Dealer                                        2 1
  April Fools                                               3 0
  Old Cronies                                               2 0
  Popping the Question                                      2 4
  Our Boys                                                  6 4
  Between Two Fires                                         8 3
  Saved from the Wreck                                      8 3
  Wanted, a Confidential Clerk                              6 0
  Second Sight                                              4 1
  Under a Cloud                                             3 2
  Imogene, or the Witch’s Secret                            8 4
  Strife                                                    9 4
  Tried and True                                            8 3
  Crawford’s Claim                                          9 3
  Old Plantation Night                                      4 4 25c.
  Illustrated Tableaux                                      25 cents.
  Theatrical and Tableaux Vivants for Amateurs              25 cents.
  What Shall We Act                                         25 cents.
  A Practical Guide to Private Theatricals                  25 cents.
  Townsend’s Amateur Theatricals                            25 cents.
  Helmer’s Make-Up Book, a practical and systematic
    treatise on the art of making-up for the stage, with
    special treatment on the use of Wigs, Beards, etc.
    the make-up and its requisite material, cuts of the
    different features and their management, special
    character masks, etc. With special hints to ladies      25 cents.

                         AMES PUBLISHING CO.,
                _Lock Box 152.        CLYDE, OHIO._

Every Amateur wants a copy, and should order at once.

HINTS TO AMATEURS,

BY A. D. AMES.


 A book of useful information for Amateurs and others, written expressly
         for those who are giving public entertainments—and who
             wish to make their efforts successful—containing
              much information never before given. Mr. Ames
                  has had many years experience, and in
                     this work gives many hints which
                        cannot fail to be of great
                             benefit to all.

    Do you wish to know How to act?
      Do you wish to know How to make up?
        Do you wish to know How to make fuses?
          Do you wish to know How to be prompted?
            Do you wish to know How to imitate clouds?
              Do you wish to know How to imitate waves?
    Do you wish to know How to make thunder?
      Do you wish to know How to produce snow?
        Do you wish to know How to articulate?
          Do you wish to know How to make lightning?
            Do you wish to know How to produce a crash?
    Do you wish to know How to make a wind-storm?
       Do you wish to know How to be successful on the stage?
          Do you wish to know The effects of the drama on the mind?
    Do you wish to know How to assign parts successfully?
      Do you wish to know The duties of the property man?
        Do you wish to know How to arrange music for plays?
          Do you wish to know Many hints about the stage?
            Do you wish to know How to form a dramatic club?
    Do you wish to know The duty of the prompter?
      Do you wish to know How to conduct rehearsals?
        Do you wish to know The best method for studying?
          Do you wish to know How to make a stage laugh?
            Do you wish to know How to burn a colored fire?
    Do you wish to know How to make a rain storm?
      Do you wish to know A short history of the drama?
        Do you wish to know All about scene painting?
          Do you wish to know Macready’s method for acting?

If you wish to know the above, read Hints to Amateurs, it will be sent
you for 15 cents per copy.

THE New York Book Ag’t; OR, THE MISER’S GOLD.

      _A Drama in Four Acts by D. H. Moore, Jr. Time 1 hour
              7 male, 3 female characters. Costumes
                     modern. Scenery simple._


A good villain, two old men, country boy, Dan, the halfwit, two fine
Irish parts for Biddy and Pat, leading lady and old woman, detective in
search of a criminal, who at last is captured after robbing and killing
the Miser, who is his own father.

                                                         Price 15 Cents.

LOCKED In a Dress-maker’s Room; OR, Mr. Bob Holiday’s Flirtation.

             _A Farce in One Act, by Willard Guepner.
                  3 male, 2 female characters.
                        Time 20 minutes._

Very good afterpiece in which the characters are all good. Mr. Holiday,
a banker, is in love with Mrs. Stone; Miss Prim, the dress-maker, in
whose rooms the flirtation is carried on; Mr. Stone becomes jealous
and goes in search of his wife; Mr. Holiday cannot escape and is
transformed into an ancient maiden—Tableau.

                                                         Price 15 Cents.

                            THE THREE HATS.
                                A Comedy
                          _IN THREE ACTS, BY_
                           ALFRED HENNEQUIN,

                _Translated and adapted from the French_

                                   BY
                            NEWTON CHISNELL.

       This Comedy is written for 4 male and 3 female characters.


                               SYNOPSIS.

M. Adolphe Trimadart, who on a visit to London saves the life of M.
Dupraillon at a fire, for which Dupraillon is very grateful and takes
Adolphe to his home in Paris—Adolphe falls in love with a young lady
at a glove store unknown to Dupraillon—During Mrs. Dupraillon’s
absence from the city Dupraillon accidently meets a lady—a supper at
Clerbois’—an accident as he leaves the house causes him to stumble
against some gentlemen whose hats are knocked off; during the scuffle
the cry of “police” is heard, and he picks up, as he supposes, his
own hat, but on arriving at home he discovers he has a hat with M.
Durand’s card, while his hat has his own card in—His wife returns and
he is afraid she will discover his adventure and supper at Clerbois’
with the lady. The three hats cause a great deal of trouble as well
as amusement, as the owners, as well as others, get mixed up in the
misunderstanding caused by the exchanging of hats.

                                                      Price 15 Cents.

Hallabahoola, Medicine Man.

_An Original Farce in one scene, by Bert Richards, author of “The
Colored Senators,” “Fooling with the Wrong Man,” “Cupid’s Capers,” “The
Spellin’ Skew,” etc. for 4 male and 3 female characters. The situations
in this piece are extremely ludicrous; Costumes to suit characters;
Time of performance 40 minutes._

                                                  _Price 15 Cents._

The Irish Squire, of Squash Ridge.

    _A Farce in two scenes, by J. E. Crary, author of “The
       Old Wayside Inn,” “Alma, or United at Last,” etc.,
       for 4 male and 2 female characters. This farce is
       very funny and will be sure to please. Costumes
       modern and the time of performance is 40 minutes.
                                         Price 15 Cents._

                    AMES’ PLAYS—CONTINUED.

      NO.                                               M. F.
                          Comedies Continued.

  237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks                        6 3
  126 Our Daughters                                      8 6
  265 Pug and the Baby                                   5 3
  114 Passions                                           8 4
  264 Prof. James’ Experience Teaching Country School    4 3
  219 Rags and Bottles                                   4 1
  239 Scale with Sharps and Flats                        3 2
  221 Solon Shingle                                     14 2
  262 Two Bad Boys                                       7 3
   87 The Biter Bit                                      3 2
  131 The Cigarette                                      4 2
  240 $2,000 Reward                                      2 0

                               TRAGEDIES.
  16 The Serf                                            6 3

                         FARCES & COMEDIETTAS.
  129 Aar-u-ag-oos                                       2 1
  132 Actor and Servant                                  1 1
  289 A Colonel’s Mishap                                 5 0
   12 A Capital Match                                    3 2
  303 A Kiss in the Dark                                 2 3
  166 A Texan Mother-in Law                              4 6
   30 A Day Well Spent                                   7 5
  169 A Regular Fix                                      2 4
  286 A Professional Gardener                            4 2
   80 Alarmingly Suspicious                              4 3
   78 An Awful Criminal                                  3 3
   31 A Pet of the Public                                4 2
   21 A Romantic Attachment                              3 3
  123 A Thrilling Item                                   3 1
   20 A Ticket of Leave                                  3 2
  175 Betsey Baker                                       2 2
    8 Better Half                                        5 2
   86 Black vs. White                                    4 2
   22 Captain Smith                                      3 3
   84 Cheek Will Win                                     3 0
  287 Cousin-Josiah                                      1 1
  225 Cupids Capers                                      4 4
  249 Double Election                                    9 1
   49 Der Two Surprises                                  1 1
   72 Deuce is in Him                                    5 1
   19 Did I Dream it                                     4 3
   42 Domestic Felicity                                  1 1
  188 Dutch Prize Fighter                                3 0
  220 Dutchy vs. Nigger                                  3 0
  148 Eh? What Did You Say                               3 1
  218 Everybody Astonished                               4 0
  224 Fooling with the Wrong Man                         2 1
  233 Freezing a Mother-in-Law                           2 1
  154 Fun in a Post Office                               4 2
  184 Family Discipline                                  0 1
  274 Family Jars                                        5 2
  209 Goose with the Golden Eggs                         5 3
   13 Give Me My Wife                                    3 3
  307 Hallabahoola, the Medicine Man                     4 3
   66 Hans, the Dutch J. P.                              3 1
  271 Hans Brummel’s Cafe                                5 0
  116 Hash                                               4 2
  120 H. M. S. Plum                                      1 1
   50 How She has Own Way                                1 3
  140 How He Popped the Quest’n.                         1 1
   74 How to Tame M-in-Law                               4 2
   35 How Stout Your Getting                             5 2
  247 Incompatibility of Temper                          1 2
   95 In the Wrong Clothes                               5 3
  305 Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake                             3 2
  299 Jimmie Jones                                       3 2
   11 John Smith                                         5 3
   99 Jumbo Jum                                          4 3
   82 Killing Time                                       1 1
  182 Kittie’s Wedding Cake                              1 3
  127 Lick Skillet Wedding                               2 2
  228 Lauderbach’s Little Surprise                       3 0
  302 Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room                     3 2
  106 Lodgings for Two                                   3 0
  288 Love in all Corners                                5 3
  139 Matrimonial Bliss                                  1 1
  231 Match for a Mother-in-Law                          2 2
  235 More Blunders than one                             4 3
   69 Mother’s Fool                                      6 1
   23 My Heart’s in Highlands                            4 3
  208 My Precious Betsey                                 4 4
  212 My Turn Next                                       4 3
   32 My Wife’s Relations                                4 4
  186 My Day and Now-a-Days                              0 1
  273 My Neighbor’s Wife                                 3 3
  296 Nanka’s Leap Year Venture                          5 2
  259 Nobody’s Moke                                      5 2
   44 Obedience                                          1 2
   33 On the Sly                                         3 2
   57 Paddy Miles’ Boy                                   5 2
  217 Patent Washing Machine                             4 1
  165 Persecuted Dutchman                                6 3
  195 Poor Pilicody                                      2 3
  159 Quiet Family                                       4 4
  171 Rough Diamond                                      4 3
  180 Ripples                                            2 0
  267 Room 44                                            2 0
   48 Schnaps                                            1 1
  138 Sewing Circle of Period                            0 5
  115 S. H. A. M. Pinafore                               3 3
   55 Somebody’s Nobody                                  3 2
  232 Stage Struck Yankee                                4 2
  241 Struck by Lightning                                2 2
  270 Slick and Skinner                                  5 0
    1 Slasher and Crasher                                5 2
  137 Taking the Census                                  1 1
  252 That Awful Carpet Bag                              3 3
   40 That Mysterious B’dle                              2 2
   38 The Bewitched Closet                               5 2
  101 The Coining Man                                    3 1
  167 Turn Him Out                                       3 2
  291 The Actor’s Scheme                                 4 4
  308 The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge                   4 2
  285 The Mashers Mashed                                 5 2
   68 The Sham Professor                                 4 0
  295 The Spellin’ Skewl                                 7 6
   54 The Two T. J’s                                     4 2
   28 Thirty-three Next Birthday                         4 2
  292 Tim Flannigan                                      5 0
  142 Tit for Tat                                        2 1
  276 The Printer and His Devils                         3 1
  263 Trials of a Country Editor                         6 2
    7 The Wonderful Telephone                            3 1
  281 Two Aunt Emily                                     0 8
  269 Unjust Justice                                     6 2
  170 U. S. Mail                                         2 2
  213 Vermont Wool Dealer                                5 3
  151 Wanted a Husband                                   2 1
   70 Which will he Marry                                2 8
  135 Widower’s Trials                                   4 5
  147 Waking Him To                                      1 2
  155 Why they Joined the Rebeccas                       0 4
  111 Yankee Duelist                                     3 1
  157 Yankee Peddler                                     7 3

                       ETHIOPIAN FARCES.
  204 Academy of Stars                                   6 0
   65 An Unwelcome Return                                3 1
   15 An Unhappy Pair                                    1 1
  172 Black Shoemaker                                    4 2
   98 Black Statue                                       4 2
  222 Colored Senators                                   3 0
  214 Chops                                              3 0
  145 Cuff’s Luck                                        2 1
  190 Crimps Trip                                        5 0
   27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend                           2 0
  230 Hamlet the Dainty                                  6 1
  153 Haunted House                                      2 0
  103 How Sister Paxey got her Child Baptized            2 1
   24 Handy Andy                                         2 0
  230 Hypochondriac, The                                 2 0
   47 In the Wrong Box                                   3 0
   77 Joe’s Visit                                        2 1
   88 Mischievous Nigger                                 4 2
  256 Midnight Colic                                     2 1
  128 Musical Darkey                                     2 0
   90 No Cure No Pay                                     3 1
   61 Not as Deaf as He Seems                            3 0
  244 Old Clothes                                        3 0
  234 Old Dad’s Cabin                                    2 1
  150 Old Pompey                                         1 1
  210 Othello                                            4 1
  109 Other People’s Children                            3 2
  297 Pomp Green’s Snakes                                2 0
  134 Pomp’s Pranks                                      2 0
  258 Prof. Bones’ Latest Invention                      5 0
  177 Quarrelsome Servants                               3 0
   96 Rooms to Let                                       2 1
  107 School                                             5 0
  133 Seeing Bosting                                     3 0
  179 Sham Doctor                                        3 3
   94 16,000 Years Ago                                   3 0
  243 Sports on a Lark                                   3 0
   25 Sport with a Sportsman                             2 0
   92 Stage Struck Darkey                                2 1
  238 Strawberry Shortcake                               2 0
   10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down                             2 0
   64 That Boy Sam                                       3 1
  233 The Best Cure                                      4 1
  282 The Intelligence Office                            3 0
  122 The Select School                                  5 0
  118 The Popcorn Man                                    3 1
    6 The Studio                                         3 0
  108 Those Awful Boys                                   5 0
  245 Ticket Taker                                       3 0
    4 Twain’s Dodging                                    3 1
  197 Tricks                                             5 2
  198 Uncle Jeff                                         5 2
  216 Vice Versa                                         3 1
  206 Villkens and Dinah                                 4 1
  210 Virginia Mummy                                     0 1
  203 Who Stole the Chickens                             1 1
  205 William Tell                                       4 0
  156 Wig-Maker and His Servants                         3 0

                     GUIDE BOOKS.
  17 Hints on Elocution
  130 Hints to Amateurs

                     CANTATA.
  215 On to Victory                                      4 6

                     TABLEAUX.
  250 Festival of Days

                     PANTOMIME.
  260 Cousin John’s Album


                          MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS!

                             PREPARED WOOL!

        _PREPARED WOOL IS AN ARTICLE THAT EVERYONE, WITHOUT ANY
                       EXPERIENCE CAN MAKE INTO_

                     WIGS! BEARDS! MUSTACHES! ETC.

                         _AT VERY LITTLE COST,
                AND WILL BE SURE TO GIVE SATISFACTION._

                       PRICE 50 CENTS PER OUNCE.

                _Address,  THE AMES PUBLISHING CO._,
           _Lock Box 152,                    CLYDE, OHIO_.


Transcriber's Notes:

  Underscores "_" before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_
    in the original text.
  Equal signs "=" before and after a word or phrase indicate =bold=
    in the original text.
  Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals.
  Old or antiquated spellings have been preserved.
  Typographical errors have been silently corrected but other variations
    in spelling and punctuation remain unaltered.
  The heading "ACT II" after "END OF ACT I" was added by the transcriber
    for the sake of clarity and consistency.