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Taking the Census

A Farce

    By
    ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL


    _Price 10 Cents_


    _All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted_

[Illustration: _Tullar-Meredith Co._]

  265 West 36th Street, New York       14 W. Washington Street, Chicago

  _Copyright 1914 by Tullar-Meredith Co._

  _International Copyright Secured_




Taking the Census




Characters


Mr. Cole, the Census Taker. Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “Cullud Lady.”

Alexander Johnson, her Young Son.




SCENE

Mrs. Johnson’s home. Mrs. Johnson winding yarn which Alexander holds
for her.

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. J. Now yo’ jes’ stop yo’ wigglin’, Alexandah, caze yo’ got to hole
dis yahn till yo’ mammy git it all winded up in a big ball fo’ to knit
yo’ wintah stockin’s wiv. Keep it straight, now. No, don’t straitch is
so! Jes’ hole it easy.

ALEX. But mah ahms is tiahd, Mammy, an’ mah han’s ache.

MRS. J. Dat don’ make a bit o’ diffunce. Yo’ hole dat ar yahn good.
Does yo’ heah?

ALEX. Caint I hole it bimeby, an’ res’ a while now, Mammy?

MAMMY. No, yo’ caint! Yo’ jes’ want to git out an’ play baseball wiv
dem no-count white chilluns. I don’ want yo’ should ’sociate wiv sech
trash. Sit up, does yo’ heah?

ALEX. Yaas, but——

MRS. J. (Getting a switch from the corner.) Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon
Washin’ton Johnsing, does yo’ see dat switch?

ALEX. I’m a-holdin’ it, Mammy. I’m a-holdin’ it good.

MAMMY. Yo’ jes keep on a-holdin’ it good, an’ don’ yo’ fuss no moah. (A
loud rap is heard.) Mah goodness, who dat? (She walks to door, still
winding yarn, and opens it.)

MR. C. Good afternoon, Madam.

MRS. J. Good aftahnoon, sah. Will yo’ walk in?

MR. C. Thank you, I will. I have here the census report blanks and I am
taking the census.

MRS. J. We-all hasn’t no moah senses dan we needs, ouah selves, sah,
an’ we don’ p’etend dat we has.

MR. C. I mean I am taking the vital statistics, Madam.

MRS. J. Vital stickses! Yo’ caint steal no wood here, an’ yo’ caint
puffo’m no suhgicla-opahrations, needah. My vitals is inside o’ me,
an’ dare dey am a-gwine to merain. Does yo’ heah? We-all don’ need no
suhgeons, ’tall. No, yo’ needn’t stayah at dat boy. Yo’ caint speriment
wiv his insides.

MR. C. But I am not a surgeon, Madam. I am the census man.

MRS. J. Yo’ suttinly am a senseless man, but don’ try any capers
heah, fo’ mah eyes is on yo’, an’ de carbin’ knife am mighty handy.
Alexandah, yo’ drap dat yahn, and go find a p’licemans. Tell him we-all
has got a luniac heah. Hump yo’se’f, now, whilst I watch him. (Exit
Alex.)

MR. C. (Calling.) Come back here, boy. It’s all right.

MRS. J. (Calling.) Go ’long dare, yo’ heah me? (To Mr. C.) Now yo’ sit
down an’ keep still, an’ dar shan’t nuffin huht yo’. But don’ yo’ come
a ’step nighah.

MR. C. I assure you, Madam, you are mistaken. I only want to ask a few
questions, and write down your answers.

MRS. J. Dat’s all right. Might as well ’muse yo’se’f dat way as any
odah. What yo’ tink yo’ wan’ to know?

MR. C. (Opening book.) What is your husband’s name?

MRS. J. Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesar Johnsing.

MR. C. Born?

MRS. J. Co’se he war bohn! Yo’ don’ t’ink he growed on a melon vine,
does yer?

MR. C. I mean, where and when was he born?

MRS. J. In his daddy’s cabin, in watermillion time.

MR. C. Where was his daddy’s cabin?

MRS. J. In de quahtahs, on ole Massa Johnsing’s place, down in Souf
Ca’liny.

MR. C. Before the war?

MRS. J. Shuah. De yeah dey took Fort Sumter. I disremembah de numbah.

MR. C. ’61. What is his occupation?

MRS. J. Why I isn’t quite shuah, not to be sartin, sah. I t’ink he’s a
bandmastah, but he may be jus’ a coalheavah.

MR. C. But they are not at all alike. Where does he work?

MRS. J. Dat’s jes’ it, sah. Ef I knowed dat, I’d know what he done be
doin’.

MR. C. But doesn’t he ever say?

MRS. J. He nebah has, sah, not one bressed wohd, dough I’m a savin’ up
to go to a mid-dle-um some day, and den I know.

MR. C. A middle-um?

MRS. J. Jes’ so. One ob dese yer hoodoo womans what conjer an call up
de ha’nts to speak to dare folkses.

MR. C. Oh, a medium! Then your husband is dead?

MRS. J. He am dat.

MR. C. How long?

MRS. J. ’Bout fibe foot eight, sah.

MR. C. I mean, how long has he been dead?

MRS. J. Las’ wintah, sah, jes’ arter Chris’mus.

(Enter Alexander, alone. He has been running.)

ALEX. De p’licemans say dat it all right, Mammy. De gubmint sent him,
an’ yo’ mus’ answer what he ax yo’ to.

MRS. J. He’s drefful ’quis’tive, but if de Pres’dint send him, we-all
mus’ put up wiv him, I spec’.

MR. C. What is your name?

MRS. J. Missus Johnsing, ob co’se.

MR. C. What was your maiden name? (She looks puzzled.) I mean, before
you were married.

MRS. J. Oh, I war Miss Birdie Apple-Blossom. I war de bell ob de ball
when I war a gal.

MR. C. And where were you born?

MRS. J. In de no’f, sah, in Philadelphy, de yeah Mars Aberaham Lincum
made de darkies free. Dat nex’ summah, sah.

MR. C. What is your occupation?

MRS. J. Ise a laundry lady, sah——a do-uppah. I does up de ladies’ fine
t’ings——laces, and lingry and sech.

MR. C. How many children?

MRS. J. ’Leben, sah. Dars Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesah, named fo’ his
daddy——he’s daid; an’ dars Celia Agnes Rosabelle, she am mah’ied, an’
libes in Virginny. Den dar am Thucydides Plato an’ Aristides Pluto,
de twins. Dey wo’k in a bah-bah shop in Newark, an’ Thomas Jefferson
Jackson, he am a bell boy in a hotel in Washin’ton, an’ Lily Pearl
Beryl, she am a lady’s maid, an’ trabels obah lan’ an’ sea in an ottah
mower beely—one ob dem ar debble wagons, yo’ know. Less see, dat am how
many?

MR. C. Six.

MRS. J. Nex’ am de triplets, Pollyanna, Susieanna and Roxieanna, dey am
at school jes’ now, an’ Birdena Philopena Maud, she am at school, too,
an’ dis yere pickaninny Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton, who am
at hum, caze he been a habin’ de measles, an’ I don’ wan’ him to study
ontwell Ise shuah his eyes are strong ’nuff. Teachahs am drefful hahd
on chillun’s eyes. Now don’ yo’ go a-axin’ how old all dem chillunses
is, caze I dunno.

MR. C. Have you any property?

MRS. J. Is yo’ all a tax-c’lectah?

MR. C. No.

MRS. J. Den it’s none ob yo’ bus’ness, an’ Ise tiah’d ob ans’in’ yo’
foolish questions so yo’ c’n jes’ take yo’ foot in yo’ han’ and go
’long.

MR. C. But my dear—

MRS. J. Don’ yo’ try to flirt wid me, you pasty-faced white man.

MR. C. I have no such intentions, but—

MRS. J. Den yo’ was in earnest when yo’ called me yo’ deah? Yo’
a-huntin’ fo’ a wife?

MR. C. No indeed, madam.

MRS. J. Yo’ mahied?

MR. C. No, but—

MRS. J. Den it all right, deah. I axcep’ yo’! Yo’ is shuah a fine
lookin’ man, an’ Ise proud to be yo’ wife.

MR. C. But my dear madam—

MRS. J. Dat’s so, Ise yo’ deah, an’ yo’s mah honey. Let me hug yo’ once.

MR. C. (Rising precipitately.) I must be going.

MRS. J. Don’ yo’ hurry, honey boy. I wants ter ax yo’ some questions
now. I’ll sit in yo’ lap while I does it.

MR. C. (Going hastily out.) Excuse me, I see some one I must speak to.

MRS. J. (Laughing heartily.) Ha, ha, ha! Did yo’ see me get rid ob dat
fella wid his fool questions, Alexandah? Ho, ho, ho! As if I’d take a
washed out white man in yo’ deah daddy’s shoes. Ho, ho, ho! He t’ought
I was a-gwine ter kiss him! Run give him his book, sonny; he clean
furgot it. Ho, ho, ho! Dat’s de way to get rid ob de Senses mans! He
done made tracks libely when he t’ought I want him. Dat’s de besses
joke dis yeah. I mus’ go tell Ca’liny Jackson, fo’ he gets to her house
a-axin’ questions an’ peekin’ into her pribate ’fairs. Ho, ho, ho! But
dat war a good one on de Senses man! (Goes out, laughing.)




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    New York      TULLAR-MEREDITH CO.      Chicago

POPULAR ENTERTAINMENTS


=THE RAG SOCIABLE.= A Quaint old fashioned entertainment which is
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A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid,
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per copy.

[Illustration]


=LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or The Detective That Father Hired.= Music by
Chas. H. Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of “The Old
District School,” etc. A highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four
characters: A Determined Young Lover, an Irate Father, a Daughter with
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50 per cent discount.


=THE OLD DISTRICT SCHOOL.= A farce in two acts (new version). Book by
Wm. Danforth. Music arr. by Geo. F. Rosche. This is a burlesque on the
district school of 100 years ago. Ezekiel Simpkins, the teacher, is
the central character. His costume is a tight Prince Albert coat, with
brass buttons, or a worn and faded “claw-hammer” coat, colored vest cut
low; stock collar, with large black tie; trousers, “high-water,” with
a patch of other color on one knee; well-worn shoes. Bald gray wig and
“side” whiskers. The costumes of the pupils are in keeping with those
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can be prepared in a very short time. Price, postpaid, 50 cents per
copy.


=THE CHAPERON.= A humorous Operetta in three Acts. Libretto by Wm.
Danforth. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Chaperon” is a humorous
operetta designed for church choir and young people’s societies. It
will be found available in all communities in which seven young men and
seven young ladies who sing can be found. The music is bright, tuneful,
easy to learn and easy to remember. The dialogue is witty, clean,
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=THE VISION OF HENSEL.= An evening with the old songs. The old songs of
childhood, youth, love, war and home. Libretto by Ellan N. Wood. There
is no friend like an old friend and after all there are no songs we
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medium for the introduction of the old songs which we all know and
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book is well worth its price if only to secure this fine collection of
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and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents per copy, postpaid; $3.00
per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy for postage.

[Illustration]


=THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB.= A humorous operetta in two acts. Libretto by
Harriet D. Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Spinsters’ Club” is
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societies. It will be found available in all communities in which a
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learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining.
Price, postpaid 60 cents per copy.

=A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3
cents for postage; to be returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days.=

       *       *       *       *       *


ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS


=NEARER MY GOD TO THEE.= Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig.
This is a particularly fine production and lends itself admirably for
a twelve-minute addition to an evening’s entertainment in the church
or hall. The instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be
prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The fourteen full
figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help.

The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed
voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and an original
setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto
by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other
publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. “Not sent on
examination.”


=IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR.= Posed under the direction of
Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will be particularly interesting
during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or
other entertainments. The directions are very elaborate, enabling any
person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete,
consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for
voices of both women and men: also a very fine duet soprano and alto;
the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price, 40 cents per copy postpaid. “Not
sent on examination.”




    New York       TULLAR-MEREDITH CO.       Chicago

NEW PLAYS

By Elizabeth F. Guptill


=The School at Mud Hollow.= A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 19
Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents.

[Illustration]

PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by
Miss Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the
responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud
Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to, and
finds plenty of it in the manners, customs and dialect of the pupils.
From start to finish there is nothing but fun.

PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud
parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class by
the Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the pupils.
Part II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the finest fun
possible.

“The School at Mud Hollow” may be given in one evening, but for those
who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or to give only one
part, we offer the same work announced below under the title of “_The
New Teacher at Mud Hollow School_” and “_The Last Day at Mud Hollow
School_” either of which can be given as a complete entertainment
without regard to the other one.

=The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT
MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

=The Last Day at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT
MUD HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.


=Santa’s Rescue=

[Illustration]

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children,
one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the
inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by
placing the papers together they have the message that the “Old Witch”
of the North has captured “Santa” and holds him in an ice prison at
the North Pole. Of course there could be no “Merry Christmas” without
their “patron saint”, so guided by the “Fairy Godmother” they start for
the North Pole to rescue him. The “Old Witch” endeavors to block the
rescuers’ way by the assistance of “Old Zero” and the “Snow Fairies”
but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid
in keeping “Santa” from his usual Christmas activities they get the
“Sunbeam Fairies” to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they
bind with a frozen cord the “Old Witch,” who is found indulging in a
nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the “Old Witch”
powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter.

Tho’ belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the
children are glad to become his “aides” in spreading a “Merry
Christmas” through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well
worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4
Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price
25 cents.



FARCES

=Taking the Census.= Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience
in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs.
Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young son Alexander. Three
characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents.

[Illustration]

=Answering the Phone.= Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most
trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in
their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special
reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in which Nora
makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous in the
extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

=The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister.= They have a
delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who has
called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their
mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is “Out”
when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1 Female. Time
about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

    =NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT “ON EXAMINATION”=

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber’s Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired. The text of the inside cover,
“Best Entertainments for Any Time,” was repeated on page seven of the
text. The first instance of this page was deleted from this version to
avoid unnecessary repetition.

Inside back cover, “particuarly” changed to “particularly”
(particularly interesting during)





End of Project Gutenberg's Taking the Census, by Elizabeth F. Guptill