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                       [Illustration: book cover]




                        ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE.


                                  THE
                                AMATEUR
                                 DRAMA.

                             --------------

                                  THE
                               BOSTON DIP




                                BOSTON:
                          GEO. M. BAKER & CO.
                         149 Washington Street.

                         KILBURN & MALLORY, SC.

        Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873
                by GEORGE M. BAKER, in the Office of the
                 Libraries of Congress, at Washington.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                            THE BOSTON DIP.

                         A Comedy, in One Act.

                            BY THE AUTHOR OF

                          “Sylvia’s Soldier,”
         “Once on a Time,” “Down by the Sea,” “The Last Loaf,”
 “Bread on the Waters,” “Stand by the Flag,” “The Tempter,” “A Drop too
 Much,” “We’re all Teetotalers,” “A Little more Cider,” “Thirty Minutes
     for Refreshments,” “Wanted, a Male Cook,” “A Sea of Troubles,”
          “Freedom of the Press,” “A Close Shave,” “The Great
            Elixir,” “The Man with the Demijohn,” “Humors of
               the Strike,” “New Brooms sweep Clean,” “My
                Uncle the Captain,” “The Greatest Plague
                   in Life,” “No Cure, no Pay,” “The
                      Grecian Bend,” “A War of the
                         Roses,” “Lightheart’s
                              Pilgrimage,”
                                  “The
                               Sculptor’s
                             Triumph,” “Too
                          Late for the Train,”
                       “Snow-Bound,” “The Peddler
                       of Very Nice,” “Bonbons,”
                  “Capuletta,” “An Original Idea,” “My
                Brother’s Keeper,” “Among the Breakers,”
             “The Boston Dip,” “The Duchess of Dublin,” “A
         Tender Attachment,” “Gentlemen of the Jury,” “A Public
      Benefactor,” “The Thief of Time,” “The Hypochondriac,” “The
    Runaways,” “Coals of Fire,” “The Red Chignon,” “Using the Weed,”
         “A Love of a Bonnet,” “A Precious Pickle,” “The Revolt
                    of the Bees,” “The Seven Ages,”
                             &c., &c., &c.


                                BOSTON:
                         GEORGE M. BAKER & CO.,
                         149 WASHINGTON STREET.




       Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873 by
                            GEORGE M. BAKER,
       In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.




                _Rand, Avery, & Frye, Printers, Boston._




                            THE BOSTON DIP.

                       A COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT.




                              CHARACTERS.


    MR. MOSES MULLIGRUB, once Proprietor of a Fish-cart, now a
      rich Speculator.

    MONSIEUR ADONIS, a Dancing-Master.

    MR. RICHARD DASHER, a Fast Man.

    MR. LAVENDER KIDS, an Exquisite.

    MRS. MOSES MULLIGRUB.

    MISS IDA MULLIGRUB.

    MISS EVA MULLIGRUB.




                                COSTUMES


                          Full Evening Dress.




SCENE.—


_Handsome drawing room in_ MONSIEUR ADONIS’S _Academy. Entrances_, R.,
  L., _and_ C. _Lounges,_ R. _and_ L. _Screen,_ L. _corner, back. Two
  chairs,_ R. _and_ L. _of door in flat_.

_Music, as curtain rises, Straus’s waltz, “Beautiful Blue Danube.”_ MISS
  IDA _and_ MISS EVA _discovered waltzing, introducing “The Boston Dip.”
  They waltz a few moments, then stop. Music ceases._

_Ida._ Now, isn’t that delightful?

_Eva._ Delightful! It’s positively bewitching. Bless that dear Monsieur
Adonis. He deserves a crown of roses for introducing to his assembly the
latest Terpsichorean novelty. O, we shall have a splendid time to-night!

_Ida._ Especially as those charming waltzers, Messrs. Richard Dasher and
Lavender Kids, “the glass of fashion and the mould of form,” are to
honor us with their presence.

_Eva._ Yes, indeed. What would the dance be without them?

_Ida._ Not worth the trouble of dressing. But don’t you think that Mr.
Dasher is a little too attentive to Miss Eva Mulligrub,—eh, sister?

_Eva._ Not more attentive, certainly, than is Mr. Lavender Kids to her
charming sister, Miss Ida Mulligrub.—Eh, sister?

_Ida._ But seriously, Eva, I begin to think that you are carrying this
matter a little too far. Mr. Dasher might reasonably expect, from the
partiality you unhesitatingly show for his society, and the smiles you
bestow upon him, to be considered your lover.

_Eva._ You begin to think. Why, bless you, Ida, I’ve thought and thought
and thought, for a long time, that were I Mr. Lavender Kids, I should
pop the question at once, so undeniably entranced are you by his
attentions.

_Ida._ Eva!

_Eva._ Ida!

_Ida._ You’re talking nonsense.

_Eva._ Well, you began it.

_Ida._ But you know you like Mr. Dasher.

_Eva._ To be sure I do. He’s the best waltzer in the city. Graceful,
agreeable, and decidedly good-looking.

_Ida._ And you would marry him?

_Eva._ Not unless he asked me, and then—

_Ida._ And then—

_Eva._ I should remember that he is considered a fortune-hunter, that he
is too fond of horses, that possibly he might have an eye on father’s
bank-book, that I don’t want such a husband, and should very sweetly,
calmly, but decidedly say, No, thank you, Mr. Dasher.

_Ida._ Exactly what I should say to Mr. Kids, without the sweetness and
calmness.

_Eva._ I hope we shall not have the chance, for then, of course, we
should lose their society—and they are such superb waltzers.

_Ida._ But what in the world could have possessed mother to have us come
so early. Hurry, girls, hurry! And here we are before the hall is
lighted.

_Eva._ I’m sure I don’t know. It’s one of her whims. One would hardly
think that, at her age, she would care for dancing.

_Ida._ But she does. I caught her to-day attempting a waltz before the
glass in her room; and such work as she did make of it!

_Eva._ She’s not very nimble with her weight of years and flesh, but she
would come to-night, and without father, too.

_Ida._ Catch him in such a place! No doubt he’s already snoring at home
in his easy-chair, speculating on corner lots in his dreams.

_Eva._ Better that than the old life, dragging a handcart through the
streets, and shouting, “Cod! haddock! halibut! eel—eel—eel—eels!”

_Ida._ Why, Eva, don’t speak of that; and such a noise, too.

_Eva._ Who cares. Everybody knows what we once were, and I, for one, am
not going to be ashamed of father’s old occupation. He has made money in
an honest way: so let us have no false pride, Ida. “Cod! haddock!
halibut! eel—eel—eel—eels!”

                       _Enter_ MRS. MULLIGRUB, C.

_Mrs. M._ Well, I never! Eva Mulligrub, I’m blushing with shame,
petrified with mortification, and stunned with grief, to hear such words
as those proceeding from your lips. I never heard such language before,
never.

_Eva._ Why, mother! And I’ve heard father say those very words brought
you to the window many a time when he passed; that they were the bait by
which you were caught, and that you were the best catch he ever made.

_Mrs. M._ Fiddle-de-de! That’s his twaddle. We’re above such language
now. But come, girls, fix me up! I’m all coming to pieces. Is that
what’s-its-name behind all right, and this thingumbob on my neck, and
the what-you-may-call-it on top of my head? Dear me, I’m all in a
pucker.

_Ida._ Everything about your dress is charming, mother.

_Mrs. M._ Well, I’m glad on’t. Now girls, look here, I’ve made an
assignment with Munseer What’s-his-name to-night.

_Eva._ A what?

_Ida._ Assignment? You mean an appointment.

_Mrs. M._ Well, it’s all the same. I’m going to learn to do that dipper
thing, if I die for it.

_Eva._ I don’t understand.

_Ida._ She means The Boston Dip.

_Mrs. M._ That’s it—where you go tipping about, while the fiddlers play
Struse’s Beautiful Blue Dan-_u_-by.

_Eva._ You, mother, learn to waltz!

_Mrs. M._ And why not? There’s Mrs. What’s-her-name gets through it, and
she’s older and heavier than I. I’m going to learn it. What’s the use of
having money if you can’t spin round like other folks. But don’t say a
word to your father. Bless me, how he would roar! But he’s safe at home,
snoozing in his chair by this time. I’ve arranged it all. I’ve engaged
this drawing-room for my own party, and when you’re all dancing in the
hall, Muns_ee_r A—A—what’s-his-name will slip in here, and practice the
waltz with me, and nobody will know anything about it until I’m
deficient.

_Ida._ Proficient, mother.

_Mrs. M._ Well, what’s the difference? It’s all arranged. I’m not going
to make a fool of myself before folks when I can pay for private
lessons.

                          DASHER _appears,_ C.

_Dasher_ (_loud_). Eureka!

_Mrs. M._ (_starting_). Good gracious! You what?

_Dasher._ “Fortune favors the brave.” Like Cæsar, I came, I saw, and I’m
overcome. May I come in?

_Mrs. M._ Certainly, Mr. Dasher. Your presence always adds a charm to
our—what’s-its-name—circular.

_Ida._ Circle, mother.

_Mrs. M._ Well, what’s the odds?

_Dasher._ Thank you, Mrs. Mulligrub. You are arrayed like an empress;
Miss Ida, your costume is only eclipsed by your charming face; Miss Eva—

_Eva._ “Last but not least in our dear love,” must of course be divine;
so spare my blushes and your breath. (_Sits on lounge_, R.)

_Dasher._ Thank you. And now congratulate me. I threw down my pen, after
a hard fight with figures, to seek the lonely recesses of my bachelor’s
quarters, heartily sick of life, when it suddenly occurred to me that
this evening Monsieur Adonis gives one of his charming assemblies.
Perhaps, thought I, there I may find rest for my weary brain from the
figures of the ledger, which are dancing in my head, in the figures of
the dance. But did I dream of falling into such charming society? No;
most emphatically and decidedly, no. Therefore, like Cæsar—

_Mrs. M._ And pray, Mr. Dasher, who is this Cæsar you’re making such a
fuss about?

_Ida._ Why, mother!

_Mrs. M._ La, child, there’s nobody of that name I’m acquainted with.

_Ida._ You know, mother, Cæsar was the great Roman general, who—

_Mrs. M._ La, yes; Mr. Dasher was only speaking metagorically. Cæsar was
the man who crossed the what’s-its-name, and was stabbed by a brute.

_Eva._ Never mind Cæsar. Here’s my card, Mr. Dasher. Of course your name
will be the first I shall allow upon it.

_Dasher_ (_sits on lounge beside_ EVA). Am I to be so highly honored.
(_Takes card._)

_Eva._ For a waltz, and only one.

_Mrs. M._ La, child, don’t be so unscrupulous. You’ll dance till you
drop if you get a chance.

_Ida._ Hush, mother.

_Mrs. M._ Now what’s the matter with you? Mr. What’s-his-name will dance
with you, too. Don’t be so anxious.

_Ida._ O, dear, was there ever such a torment. (_Sits on lounge_, L.)

                            _Enter_ KIDS, C.

_Kids_ (_with glass to his eye_). Now, weally! Have I stumbled into the
bodwaw of a bevy of enchanting goddesses?—have I, weally?

_Ida._ O, Mr. Kids!

_Eva._ You have, weally, Mr. Kids.

_Dasher._ Lavender, my boy, how are you?

_Kids._ And will the divine goddesses permit me to entaw, to disturb
their tableaw of beauty with my horwid figgaw?

_Eva._ Yes, trot your horwid figgaw in, Mr. Kids.

_Mrs. M._ Eva, I’m astonished at such language as those. Mr. Kids, we
are delighted to see you.

_Ida._ Yes, indeed, Mr. Kids. I’ve kept my card for you.

_Kids._ Divine creachaw, you overpowaw me—you do, weally. (_Sits on
lounge beside_ IDA, _and takes her card._) Just one waltz?

_Eva._ As many as you please, Mr. Kids.

_Mrs. M._ Now that’s what I call generous. I wonder where Mr.—no,
Muns_ee_r—Adonis can be. (_Retires up._)

_Eva._ Mr. Dasher, how can you tell such falsehoods, when you know, that
I know, that you know, we were to be here to-night.

_Dasher._ What a knowing young lady. It’s one of the frailties of
masculine nature, Miss Eva. I’m glad I was not George Washington, for I
should certainly have spoiled that hatchet story by a lie. Now I am
here, dear Miss Eva, overpowered with the burden of a weighty secret, I
am going to disclose it. I—I—

_Kids._ I say, Dashaw, I’ve had my bwains surveyed to-day.

_Dasher._ Have you? I didn’t know you had any.

_Kids._ Yaas, several. Destwuctiveness, combativeness, idolitwy—

_Dasher._ Ideality.

_Kids._ Yaas, it’s vewry wemarkable how those phwenological fellaws lay
out your bwains, and name them just like—aw—stweets.

_Dasher_ (_aside_). They must have labeled some of yours “No
Thoroughfare.”

_Eva._ O, don’t talk about brains, Mr. Kids. The discussion of such a
subject might fly to your head.

_Dasher._ And so light is the material there, cause a conflagration.

_Kids._ Yaas, yaas, like a Mansard woof. And, Dashaw, I’ve got a
diwectory of my bwains, and it’s deucedly clevaw; for if an ideah gets
into my bwains, I can trace it out in the diwectory, and tell just where
it lies, you know, and know just where to find it. Deuced clevaw.

_Dasher_ (_aside_). ’Twould die of starvation before you found it.

_Mrs. M._ (_comes down_). Ah, here’s Munseer Adonis at last!

                      _Enter_ MONSIEUR ADONIS, R.

_Mons. A._ _Charmant, charmant_, leedies and gentimen, I kees your
hands. You do me proud. I feel ze glow of satisfaction in ze inermost
inside of zis bosom, when you do me ze _grande honneur_ to grace my
salon wiz your presence. I feel ze glow all ovar.

_Mrs. M._ O, Munseer Adonis!

_Eva._ Politest of Frenchmen.

_Ida._ Paragon of dancing-masters.

_Mons. A._ Pardon me, _charmant_ medmoiselles and adorable madam, if ze
modest blush of shame paint my cheek wiz ze hues of ze roses. I am ze
humble instrument of ze divine art which gives ze grace to ze figure,
and ze airy lightness to ze beautiful toes of madam and ze _charmant_
medmoiselles.

_Eva._ Now, Munseer Adonis, we are all impatience. When will the dance
begin?

_Mons. A._ On ze instant. Ze company have assemble in ze grande salon.
When madam and her friends make ze grande entrée, zen will ze music
strike ze signal.

_Ida._ We are all ready.

_Mrs. M._ Munseer Adonis, one word with you.

_Mons. A._ Wiz ze uttermost pleasure. Am I not ze slave of ze matchless
madam (_aside_) and her money. (_They retire up stage, and converse._)

_Dasher._ Miss Eva, I must have an interview with you this evening. I
have much to say. Meet me here in half an hour.

_Eva._ Certainly. I’ll slip away at the first opportunity.

_Dasher._ Thank you. The first dance is mine, you remember.

_Kids._ Aw, Miss Ida, I must speak with you alone; I must, weally.
There’s something on my bwain—no—on my bweast, that must be welieved.
Don’t go. Stay behind with me.

_Ida._ And lose the first dance?—No, indeed.

_Kids._ Weally, I couldn’t ask that. Couldn’t you contwive to meet me
here alone?

_Ida._ At the first opportunity. I’ll do my best. (_Rises._) Eva, one
moment.

_Eva_ (_rises and comes,_ C.). Well, dear?

_Ida._ Don’t you think, Mr. Kids wants me to meet him here alone.

_Eva._ Does he? The same thought must have wandered into his bwain that
crept into Mr. Dasher’s, for he expects me to meet him here alone.

_Ida._ Do you know what it all means?

_Eva._ Certainly—proposals.

_Ida._ And will you permit Mr. Dasher—

_Eva._ No, indeed. Marry that fickle thing? Never!

_Ida._ Exactly my mind. Mr. Kid’s a fool.

_Eva._ But, like Mr. Dasher, a splendid waltzer. We cannot afford to
lose them.

_Ida._ Indeed we cannot. Partners are so scarce.

_Eva._ They want father’s money.

_Ida._ But they must not have his daughters.

_Eva._ No, indeed. You watch me, and I’ll watch you, and there’ll be no
proposals. (_Retire to_ R. _and_ L. MONSIEUR ADONIS _and_ MRS. MULLIGRUB
_come down stage._)

_Mrs. M._ And you got my note, Munseer Adonis?

_Mons. A._ Ah, madam, I have it next my heart. (_Produces an envelope,
opens it, takes out note, puts envelope in his pocket. Reads._) “Meet me
in the private drawing-room when ze company are waltzing. Do not fail
me. Hannah Mulligrub.” Zat is all it say.

_Mrs. M._ But you know what it means. I am anxious to learn “The Boston
Dip.” Were I to come to your school I should be laughed at, but here,
while the company are waltzing, no one would know it, and the inspiring
music would aid me. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, you
understand.

_Mons. A._ Certainly. All zat I shall remember. I have written on ze
back of ze note “Boston Dip.” I put him in ze pocket wiz my
handkerchief, so zat when I pull him out to wipe my face ze note will
arrest my attention, and I shall fly to you, madam. (_Puts note and
handkerchief in his pocket._)

_Mrs. M._ O, you Frenchmen are so inveterate.

_Dasher._ Come, Monsieur Adonis, the dance, the dance! I’m all
impatience (_aside to_ EVA) for its end.

_Kids._ Weally, the delay is vexatious; it is, weally. (_Aside to_ IDA.)
Meet me here, you know.

_Mons. A._ Pardon me, I am all impatience. _Charmant_, madam, shall I
have ze pleasure. (_Offers his arm to_ MRS. MULLIGRUB.) Ze night is ver
warm, ver warm. (_Music, “Beautiful Blue Danube.”_ MONSIEUR ADONIS
_takes out his handkerchief. The note falls on stage. He wipes his face,
passes out door,_ R., _followed by_ DASHER _and_ EVA, KIDS _and_ IDA.)

                         _Enter_ MULLIGRUB, C.

_Mulligrub._ So, so, here we are, Mrs. Mulligrub, unexpectedly, and no
doubt unwelcome. You imagine the old codger snoozing away at home, but
here he is, and wide awake too. It’s about time the head of the house
knew what is going on. And here’s where the money goes. Well, who cares?
There’s lots of it, so let it fly. But I’ve a wonderful curiosity to
know how my Hannah carries herself among all these fine snobs, so I’m
bound to have a peep. (_Goes towards door_, R. _Sees note on carpet._)
Hallo! what’s this? a billy-deux? (_Picking it up._) Where’s my specs?
(_Reads._) “Meet me”—ho, ho! here’s a nice little plot—(_reads_)—“in the
private drawing-room”—that’s here—(_reads_)—“while the company are
waltzing. Do not fail me. Hannah Mulligrub.” My wife! Ye gods and little
fishes! my wife. “Do not fail me.” Is this the reward of my generosity?
My wife! What does it mean? Who is the scoundrel that is tampering with
the affections of Hannah, and the peace of Moses Mulligrub? (_Turns note
over._) “Boston Dip.” Who’s he? “Boston Dip.” There’s a name. I’ve heard
of the “Manchester Pet,” and the “Dublin Baby,” but the “Boston
Dip,”—confound him, let me get hold of him, and I’ll Christen him with a
dip that will drown him. Here’s nice goings on! A respectable wife, and
a mother, too, making an appointment with an individual bearing such a
name as that—“Boston Dip.” He shall not fail you, Mrs. M., but he must
meet me too. I’ll not stir from this place until I know what this means.
This comes of letting women roam abroad when they should be kept at
home. O, Mrs. Mulligrub! if I don’t cut down your pin money for this my
name’s not Moses Mulligrub. I’ll not leave you a pin to stand on.
(_Takes chair; slams it down,_ C.) “Boston Dip.” (_Sits, and jumps up._)
Gracious! he must be a sparrer, and that’s his fighting name. No matter,
let him come on. (_Sparring._) The old man’s a little out of practice,
but he’s game. (_Sits; folds his arms._) If this little party does not
end in a shindy, it won’t be my fault.

           DASHER _backs in,_ R., _waving his handkerchief._

_Dasher._ Does she mean to come? I cannot attract her attention. (_Backs
up still, waving his handkerchief._) Why don’t she come? (_Backs
against_ MULLIGRUB’S _chair, sending it over, and_ MULLIGRUB _on to the
floor._) I beg your pardon.

_Mulligrub_ (_picking himself up_). Sir!

_Dasher._ I really beg your pardon. Did you break anything?

_Mulligrub._ No, sir; but I shall presently break the peace and your
head.

_Dasher._ I beg you won’t do anything of the kind. It was an accident;
and besides, you are trespassing here.

_Mulligrub._ O, I am! And pray, sir, will you be kind enough to explain
the meaning of that remark?

_Dasher._ Certainly. This is Mrs. Mulligrub’s private drawing-room,
where none but her friends are allowed to enter.

_Mulligrub._ Indeed! (_Aside._) This must be “Dip.” (_Aloud._) Well,
sir, I am one of her friends—a particular friend.

_Dasher._ I see: an old friend of the family. You’re just the man I want
to see. Yes, sir, the moment I set eyes on you I said to myself,
“There’s a man who can serve me.”

_Mulligrub._ Indeed—(_aside_) with a broken head.

_Dasher._ Yes, sir. You know old Mulligrub?

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Old Mulligrub! (_Aloud._) Intimately.

_Dasher._ Good. I’ve never seen him, but people say he’s immensely rich.
What do you say? Will he cut up well?

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). “Cut up!” Confound his impudence.

_Dasher._ I’ve particular reasons for wishing to know. I may say, I am
very much attached to a member of his family, you understand. I’m not
mercenary; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show
in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that
sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I want to know is this, will
the old man shell out?

_Mulligrub._ Shell out? Look here, young man, for coolness you certainly
would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska.
If I don’t answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has
so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old
Mulligrub to “cut up” or “shell out” at all. (_Aside._) It must
certainly be “Dip.”

_Dasher._ O, you won’t tell. Hush! there’s somebody coming—somebody who
I am particularly anxious to meet alone, you understand. Just step out
of that door (_pointing,_ C.), that’s a good fellow.

_Mulligrub._ Sir, I shall do nothing of the kind.

_Dasher._ But you must—only for a moment, and then you shall return.
(_Pushes him back._)

_Mulligrub._ Sir, do you know who I am?

_Dasher._ Certainly; a friend of the family; and, as a friend of the
family, when the time comes you shall know all. Now go, that’s a good
fellow. (_Pushes him back to door,_ C.)

_Mulligrub._ But, sir, I shall not. (_Aside._) Stop. I’ll watch.
(_Aloud._) Very well, sir; as I seem to be in the way, I will retire.

_Dasher._ I knew you would—you’re such a good fellow.

_Mulligrub._ Good fellow! (_Aside._) Confound his impudence.

                                                             [_Exit,_ C.

_Dasher._ Ha, ha! Got rid of him. (_Comes down stage._ MULLIGRUB
_enters_, C., _and steps behind screen._) Now for a tender interview
with Miss Eva, ending in a proposal, which I know she will accept.
(_Enter_ EVA, C.) I knew you would come.

_Eva._ Because I promised. O, Mr. Dasher, that waltz was delightful.

_Dasher._ Indeed! I am glad you enjoyed it. If it gave you pleasure I
should be satisfied, though my heart is heavy, and the waltz had little
inspiration for me.

_Eva._ Dear me, Mr. Dasher, you look as melancholy as an owl. What has
gone wrong?

_Dasher._ Nothing—everything—Miss Eva. I am on the verge of a precipice,
a frightful precipice. (MULLIGRUB’S _head appears above screen_.)

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). There’s “Dip” and—Eva, as I live!

_Eva._ I don’t understand you, Mr. Dasher.

_Dasher._ Upon the verge of a frightful precipice I totter. Beneath me
are the whitened bones of many a mortal. If I fall not a tear will be
shed for me.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Nary a tear, young man.

_Dasher._ ’Tis the valley of disappointed hopes.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting grave.

_Dasher._ Into this must I fall, unless the succoring hand be stretched
forth to me.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). The sucker!

_Dasher._ You, Miss Eva, you—admirable, divine, angelic—can stretch
forth that hand to save Dasher from dashing himself into the valley.

_Eva._ Mr. Dasher, have you been drinking?

_Dasher._ Draughts of bliss from the fountain of love: basking in the
sunshine of your presence. O, Miss Eva, will you save me?

_Eva._ Once again, Mr. Dasher, I tell you I do not understand you.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). ’Twould puzzle a Dutchman.

_Dasher._ Have I then been mistaken? have those little delicate
attentions which I fondly imagined were gaining for me a corner on your
heart—ah, I mean in your heart—been wasted on the desert air?

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting airy.

_Dasher._ On the brink of a precipice I stand—

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). On the rocks again, Dip.

_Dasher._ Can you see me rush headlong to ruin, angelic Eva.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting high—

_Dasher._ You are the star of my destiny; you are the prize for which I
strive, you are the divinity of my adoration. Here on my knees—(_Falls
on his knees_ L. _of_ EVA.) I swear nothing shall part us.

                     _Enter_ IDA, R., _hurriedly_.

_Ida._ O, quick, quick, Eva! I’ve got you such a partner! He’s all
impatience. Quick! the music is just about to commence. I wouldn’t have
you lose him for the world.

_Eva._ But Ida—

_Ida._ Don’t stop to talk. Come quick! quick! (_Drags her off_, R.)

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Ha, ha! Dip’s left on the brink again.

_Dasher_ (_jumping up_). Confound that girl! I’ve lost the chance. This
comes of making a long story about a very short question. The precipice
was a failure. I’ll go and pump the friend of the family. (_Exit_, C.
MULLIGRUB _comes from screen_.)

_Mulligrub._ That can’t be Dip, after all. He’s after Eva. But he can’t
have her. Thanks to his confidential assurance, I can send him over the
precipice into the valley of disappointed hopes in short order.

                            _Enter_ KIDS, C.

_Kids._ Now weally, I saw Miss Ida enter this woom, positively saw her,
and now she’s gone. Hallo! an intrudaw. Sir, I have not the honow of
your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-place of a bevy
of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here.

_Mulligrub._ Show! then you are not a masculine mortal, I take it.

_Kids._ Sir, you are impertinent. I am—I am a particular fwiend of the
lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Can this be Dip? (_Aloud._) Sir, I am a
particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her
husband’s brother.

_Kids._ Weally, the bwover of her husband’s bwover. Pon honow, that’s a
sort of cwoss-eyed welation.

_Mulligrub._ What do you mean by that? Do you doubt my right to be here?

_Kids._ Hey? wight?—no, no. (_Aside._) He must be a witch welation.
(_Aloud._) Do you know Mr. Mulligwub?

_Mulligrub._ Intimately.

_Kids._ I say, would it be a good inwestment to wun away with a membaw
of his family?

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). It must be Dip. Shall I mash him? No, no, the
proof first. (_Aloud._) Splendid! Can I help you?

_Kids._ Well, I don’t know. He’s a wough specimen, and he so vulgaw.
Sold fish in a handcart, too. I detest fish, it’s on such a low scale.
Now isn’t that good? It’s owiginal, too. I don’t like the odaw. Dreadful
low people, but then, there’s lots of money. Yaas, I think I will
sacwafice myself.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). I’ll sacrifice you, you monkey. (_Aloud._) But
tell me, who is the favored member of the family?

_Kids._ Hush! somebody’s coming. You must wetire.

_Mulligrub._ What, and lose the fun? No, I thank you.

_Kids._ You must, weally. The lady is coming. It would shock her
delicate nerves were you to be pwesent at the interview. So go, that’s a
dear fellah. (_Pushes him back_, C.)

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). He calls me a good fellah. Shall I fell him on
the spot? No, I’ll wait; vengeance can afford to wait.

_Kids._ Do wetire, and, when it’s all ovaw, I will call you. (_Pushes
him back_, C.) Good fellah.

_Mulligrub._ You’ll call me when it’s all over. (_Aside._) I’ll be on
hand while it’s going on.

                                                             [_Exit_, C.

_Kids._ There, the bwover of the husband’s bwover is excluded from the
apartment of the wife of the bwover’s husband—no, that ain’t it, it’s
the bwover’s wife’s husband—no, or—(_Mulligrub enters_, C., _and gets
behind screen_.) Here she comes, lovely as a poppy, because she’s got a
rich poppy. That’s good—owiginal, too.

                            _Enter_ IDA, R.

_Ida._ Here I am, Mr. Kids, to fulfill my promise.

_Kids._ Yaas, Miss Ida, like the bounding fawn that—that—weally, I
forget what the bounding fawn was doing—O, weally, bounding, of course.
That’s very good—isn’t it?—owiginal, too. But where was the bounding
fawn bound? that’s the question.

_Ida._ I wish I could answer your question, but, not being versed in
natural history, I am unable to say.

_Kids._ Weally. Well, never mind the fawn. Listen, O, listen! I’m a
miserable wetch, I am.

_Ida._ Miserable? you?

_Kids_. Yaas, weally. I’m standing—I’m standing,—where am I standing?—O,
on the bwink of a howid pwecipice.

_Mulligrub_ (_sticking his head above screen_). Hallo! another brink,
another precipice, and—Ida, as I live.

_Ida._ La, Mr. Kids, what a dangerous position.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Kids; then it’s not Dip, that’s certain.

_Kids._ O, dweadful, dweadful. But you can save me.

_Ida._ How, Mr. Kids?

_Kids._ That’s the ideah, Miss Ida; for when a fellah is on the bwink of
such a pwecipice, as the pwecipice I am on the bwink of, the best way to
save him is to push him ovaw.

_Ida._ Well, that’s certainly an original idea.

_Kids._ Yaas, it is an owiginal, idea—mine, too—I found it in my bwain,
with the help of the diwectory. When a fellah’s on the bwink of
matwimony, of course his safety and his happiness is secured by his
being pushed into it. You see my ideah.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Deuced clumsy one.

_Ida._ But how can I help you?

_Kids._ By pushing me ovaw. Miss Ida, you are bewitching, you are
lovely, you are divine, and on my knees I ask you (_falls on his knees_
L. _of_ IDA) to give me a push.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Confounded jackass.

_Ida._ But, Mr. Kids, I don’t understand. You’re so—so—(_Aside._) Where
can Eva be? (_Aloud._) You say you are on the brink of a precipice.

_Kids._ Howid, howid; and if you consent to be—

                            _Enter_ EVA, R.

_Eva._ Quick, quick, Ida! mother’s fainted.

_Ida._ You don’t mean it?

_Eva._ Yes, yes, come quick! What are you waiting for?

_Ida._ But Mr. Kids is on the brink of a precipice.

_Eva._ Let him stay there. Come with me. (_Drags_ EVA _off_, R.)

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Won’t somebody be kind enough to remove that
precipice?

_Kids_ (_rising_). Yaas, weally, that owiginal ideah will kill me, I
know it will. I must go and bathe my head in Cologne, I must weally.
Miss Ida didn’t push well; in fact, I don’t believe she’s fond of
pushing fellah’s ovaw, I don’t, weally.

                                                             [_Exit_, C.

_Mulligrub_ (_comes from behind screen_). I don’t think that’s Dip—I
don’t, weally. Egad! those girls of mine are determined not to be caught
by chaff. I wonder if I can say as much for the old lady. I wish she
would make her appearance. This must be the room. Ah, here she comes.
Now for something interesting. (_Runs behind screen._)

                       _Enter_ MRS. MULLIGRUB, R.

_Mrs. M._ The fiddlers are tuning up for a waltz, and if Munseer Adonis
is to keep his word now is the time. I wonder what Moses would say if he
knew what I was about. But he can’t know. He’s safe at home, and there’s
certainly no harm in obtaining a graceful _inquisition_ to my other
accomplishments. (_Music, Beautiful Blue Danube, soft and low._) There
they go. O, isn’t that splendid. (_Waltzes about stage in a very awkward
manner._)

_Mulligrub_ (_with head above screen_). What’s the matter with Hannah?
She’s bobbing about the room like a turkey with’s its head off.

                      _Enter_ MONSIEUR ADONIS, R.

_Mons. A._ _Charmant, charmant!_ (_Music stops._) Madam, you are ze
ecstasy of motion. You have ze grace of ze antelope, and ze step of ze
fairy.

_Mrs. M._ O, don’t! You have come—

_Mons. A._ Wiz ze “Boston Dip,” as I have promise.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). “Boston Dip.” That’s him—the scoundrel!

_Mrs. M._ O, I’m so nervous.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). You ought to be, you hypocrite.

_Mons. M._ Zar is not ze least occasion. We are here alone.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Not quite, Dip, not quite.

_Mons. A._ No one will dare to enter here. Zar is none to look at you
but I, and am I not discretion itself, madam?

_Mrs. M._ O, you are the soul of honor.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Humbug!

_Mons. M._ Now, zar is no time to lose. Permit me. (_Takes her hand and
leads her_ C.)

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s taking her hand. I shall choke!

_Mons. A._ Put your left hand in mine—so.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). She obeys him. Ah, faithless Hannah!

_Mons. A._ Zat is good. Do not tremble—zar is no danger.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Don’t be so sure of that.

_Mons. A._ Now, my arm around your waist—so.

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). O, perfidious Hannah!

_Mons. A._ Now let your head drop upon ze collar of my coat. Ah, zat is
good, zat is exquisite.

_Mulligrub._ She presses his collar, and my cholar is rising. I shall
choke with rage.

_Mons. M._ All right. Now, one, two, three, and off we go.

_Mulligrub_ (_pushing the screen over on to the floor. Discovered
standing in a chair, with doubled fist_). Stop! (_Very loud._)

_Mrs. M._ Ah! (_Screams, and falls into_ MONSIEUR ADONIS’S _arms_.)

_Mons. A._ Sacre! Who calls so loud?

_Mulligrub._ An injured husband.

_Mrs. M._ (_jumping up_). O, it’s Moses!

_Mulligrub._ Yes, it is Moses! Moses the deluded; Moses the deceived;
Moses the betrayed; Moses on the brink of a precipice.

_Mom. A._ Moses!—Who be Moses?

_Mrs. M._ My husband.

_Mons. A._ Monsieur Mulligrub! O, ze light break upon my head.

_Mulligrub_ (_jumping down_). Tremble, rascal! You’re discovered. Woman,
begone! O, Hannah! can I believe my eyes. You—you make an appointment
with such a miserable, contemptible, sneaking cur as that? But I’ll be
revenged, rascal! (_Takes_ MONSIEUR ADONIS _by throat_.) Blaster of
peaceful families (_shaking him_), I’ll have your life!

_Mons. A._ Help! help! I am choke all over too much! Help! help!

_Mrs. M._ O, Moses, spare him!

_Mulligrub._ Never! I’ll shake the life out of him. Rascal!

_Mons. A._ Help! somebody, quick!

_Mulligrub._ Scoundrel!

_Mons. A._ Help! help! He squeeze my windpipe all too much.

           _Enter_, R., IDA _and_ EVA; C., DASHER _and_ KIDS.

_Eva._ Father here?

_Ida._ And fighting?

_Dasher._ What is the meaning of this?

_Kids._ Weally, a wow, a wiot, a wumpus!

_Mulligrub._ Meaning of it! Look at this miserable wretch!—this thing
who answers to the name of “Boston Dip.”

_All._ “Boston Dip.”

_Mons. A._ Sar, you insult me. My name is Monsieur Achilles Adonis.

_Eva._ And “Boston Dip” is the name given to the latest movement of the
waltz.

_Mulligrub._ What, not the name of an individual? Then, what is the
meaning of that? (_Shows note._)

_Mons. A._ Zat is my note, monsieur.

_Mrs. M._ Yes, written by me to Monsieur Adonis, asking him to give me a
private lesson here.

_Eva._ And father thought it a love affair? O, father!

_Ida._ A man with the name of “Boston Dip!” O, father!

_Dasher._ Friend of the family, you’ve made a mistake.

_Kids._ Yaas, dipped into the wong man. Now isn’t that good—owiginal,
too.

_Mulligrub_ (_looks at each in a foolish manner, then takes_ MRS.
MULLIGRUB _by the hand; leads her_ C., _and kneels_). Hannah, I’m on the
brink of a frightful precipice. I’ve made a fool of myself. Forgive me,
and let’s go home.

_Mrs. M._ I think you have, Moses.

_Dasher._ There’s not the least doubt of it.

_Kids._ Yaas, Moses into the bull-wushes! That’s good—weally owiginal,
too.

_Mulligrub_ (_rising_). Monsieur Adonis, I beg your pardon for my
rudeness. I will make amends, ample reparation. Greenbacks shall shower
upon your classic academy. To you, gentlemen, I need make no apologies.
You see the old man has “cut up,” and perhaps may be made to “shell
out.” I don’t think my girls will be able to assist you on that
precipice. With your permission, I will retire.

_Eva._ Don’t go, father. Stay and enjoy yourself.

_Ida._ And see us waltz. We have splendid partners.

_Mons. A._ Proficient in all ze elegancies of ze art.

_Mrs. M._ Moses, I’m ashamed of you. You’re really _proficient_ in the
usages of fashionable _depravity_; but I’ll forgive you, and make you
acquainted with my new flame, one which you so grievously mistook, my
harmless pet, “The Boston Dip.” (_Music, Beautiful Blue Danube._ MR.
MULLIGRUB _bows, and retires up_, C. _Waltz_, MONSIEUR ADONIS _and_ MRS.
MULLIGRUB; DASHER _and_ EVA; KIDS _and_ IDA.)


                                CURTAIN.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                       SPENCER’S UNIVERSAL STAGE.


               _A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and
               FARCES, adapted to either Public or
               Private Performance. Containing a full
               description of all the necessary Stage
               Business._

                               ----------

            _PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH._ ☞ _No Plays exchanged._

                               ----------

1. =Lost in London.= A Drama in Three Acts. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

2. =Nicholas Flam.= A Comedy In Two Acts. By J.B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 3
    Female characters.

3. =The Welsh Girl.= A Comedy in One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 2
    Female characters.

4. =John Wopps.= A Farce in One Act. By W.E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female
    characters.

5. =The Turkish Bath.= A Farce in One Act. By Montague Williams and F.C.
    Burnand. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

6. =The Two Puddifoots.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3 Male, 3
    Female characters.

7. =Old Honesty.= A Comic Drama in Two Acts. By J.M. Morton. 5 Male, 2
    Female characters.

8. =Two Gentlemen in a Fix.= A Farce in One Act. By W.E. Suter. 2 Male
    characters.

9. =Smashington Goit.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 5 Male, 3
    Female characters.

10. =Two Heads Better than One.= A Farce in One Act. By Lenox Horne. 4
    Male, 1 Female character.

11. =John Dobbs.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female
    characters.

12. =The Daughter of the Regiment.= A Drama in Two Acts. By Edward
    Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

13. =Aunt Charlotte’s Maid.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3 Male,
    3 Female characters.

14. =Brother Bill and Me.= A Farce In One Act. By W.E. Suter. 4 Male, 3
    Female characters.

15. =Done on Both Sides.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3 Male, 2
    Female characters.

16. =Dunducketty’s Picnic.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 6
    Male, 3 Female characters.

17. =I’ve written to Browne.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 4
    Male, 3 Female characters.

18. =Lending a Hand.= A Farce In One Act. By G.A. A’Becket. 3 Male, 2
    Female characters.

19. =My Precious Betsy.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 4 Male, 4
    Female characters.

20. =My Turn Next.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 4 Male, 3
    Female characters.

21. =Nine Points of the Law.= A Comedy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 4
    Male, 3 Female characters.

22. =The Phantom Breakfast.= A Farce in One Act. By Charles Selby. 3
    Male, 2 Female characters.

23. =Dandelions Dodges.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 4 Male, 2
    Female characters.

24. =A Slice of Luck.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 4 Male, 2
    Female characters.

25. =Always Intended.= A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 Male, 3
    Female characters.

26. =A Bull in a China Shop.= A Comedy in Two Acts. By Charles Matthews.
    6 Male, 4 Female characters.

27. =Another Glass.= A Drama in One Act. By Thomas Morton. 6 Male, 3
    Female characters.

28. =Bowled Out.= A Farce in One Act. By H.T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female
    characters.

29. =Cousin Tom.= A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3 Male, 2
    Female characters.

30. =Sarah’s Young Man.= A Farce in One Act. By W.E. Suter. 3 Male, 3
    Female characters.

31. =Hit Him, He has No Friends.= A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and
    N.H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.

32. =The Christening.= A Farce in One Act. By J.B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 6
    Female characters.

33. =A Race for a Widow.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5
    Male, 4 Female characters.

34. =Your Life’s in Danger.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3 Male,
    3 Female characters.

35. =True unto Death.= A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6
    Male, 2 Female characters.

36. =Diamond cut Diamond.= An Interlude in One Act. By W.H. Murray. 10
    Male, 1 Female character.

37. =Look after Brown.= A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart, M.D. 6
    Male, 1 Female character.

38. =Monseigneur.= A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 3
    Female characters.

39. =A very pleasant Evening.= A Farce in One Act. By W.E. Suter. 3 Male
    characters.

40. =Brother Ben.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female
    characters.

41. =Only a Clod.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By J.P. Simpson. 4 Male, 1
    Female character.

42. =Gaspardo the Gondolier.= A Drama in Three Acts. By George Almar. 10
    Male, 2 Female characters.

43. =Sunshine through the Clouds.= A Drama in One Act. By Slingsby
    Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

44. =Don’t Judge by Appearances.= A Farce in One Act. By J.M. Morton. 3
    Male, 2 Female characters.

45. =Nursey Chickweed.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 4 Male, 2
    Female characters.

46. =Mary Moo; or, Which shall I Marry?= A Farce in One Act. By W.E.
    Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character.

47. =East Lynne.= A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.

48. =The Hidden Hand.= A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 16 Male, 7
    Female characters.

49. =Silverstone’s Wager.= A Commedietta in One Act. By R.R. Andrews. 4
    Male, 3 Female characters.

50. =Dora.= A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2
    Female characters.

51. =Blanks and Prizes.= A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 Male, 2
    Female characters.

52. =Old Gooseberry.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 4 Male, 2
    Female characters.

53. =Who’s Who.= A Farce in One Act. By T.J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female
    characters.

54. =Bouquet.= A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters.

55. =The Wife’s Secret.= A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10
    Male, 2 Female characters.

56. =The Babes in the Wood.= A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10
    Male, 3 Female characters.

57. =Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By
    W.R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

58. =An Ugly Customer.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3
    Male, 2 Female characters.

59. =Blue and Cherry.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

60. =A Doubtful Victory.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female
    characters.

61. =The Scarlet Letter.= A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female
    characters.

62. =Which will have Him?= A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female characters.

63. =Madam is Abed.= A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female
    characters.

64. =The Anonymous Kiss.= A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

65. =The Cleft Stick.= A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female
    characters.

66. =A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor.= A Farce in One Act. 4
    Male, 2 Female characters.

67. =Give a Dog a Bad Name.= A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters.

68. =Damon and Pythias.= A Farce. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

69. =A Husband to Order.= A Serio-Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 3
    Female characters.

70. =Payable on Demand.= A Domestic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 Female
    character.

                      ----------------------------

                         _Price, 15 cents each.
          Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to_

                          GEO. M. BAKER & CO.,

                         149 WASHINGTON ST., BOSTON.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                     Plays for Amateur Theatricals.

                          By GEORGE M. BAKER.

               _Author of “Amateur Dramas,” “The
               Mimic Stage,” “The Social Stage,”
               “The Drawing-room Stage,” “A Baker’s
               Dozen,” &c._

                  =Titles in this Type are New Plays.=

                      ----------------------------


                                DRAMAS.

                            _In Three Acts._

                                                     _Cts._

            =My Brother’s Keeper.= 5 male, 3 female      15
            characters.

                             _In Two Acts._

            =Among the Breakers.= 6 male, 4 female       15
            characters.

            SYLVIA’S SOLDIER. 3 male, 2 female           15
            characters.

            ONCE ON A TIME. 4 male, 2 female             15
            characters.

            DOWN BY THE SEA. 6 male, 3 female            15
            characters.

            BREAD ON THE WATERS. 5 male, 3 female        15
            characters.

            THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female              15
            characters.

                             _In One Act._

            STAND BY THE FLAG. 5 male characters.        15
            THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female charac.        15

                          COMEDIES and FARCES.

            =The Boston Dip.= 4 male, 3 female           15
            characters.

            =The Duchess of Dublin.= 6 male, 4           15
            female characters.

            WE’RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female      15
            characters.

            A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female            15
            characters.

            THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS. 4 male,     15
            3 female characters.

            A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female        15
            characters.

                        _Male Characters Only._

            =Gentlemen of the Jury.= 12 char.            15
            =A Tender Attachment.= 7 char.               15
            =The Thief of Time.= 6 char.                 15
            =The Hypochondriac.= 5 char.                 15
            =A Public Benefactor.= 6 char.               15
            =The Runaways.= 4 char.                      15
            =Coals of Fire.= 6 char.                     15
            WANTED, A MALE COOK. 4 char.                 15
            A SEA OF TROUBLES. 8 char.                   15

                                FARCES.

            FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. 8 char.                15
            A CLOSE SHAVE. 6 char.                       15
            THE GREAT ELIXIR. 9 char.                    15
            THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 char.           15
            HUMORS OF THE STRIKE. 8 char.                15
            NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 6 char.              15
            MY UNCLE THE CAPTAIN. 6 char.                15

                       _Female Characters Only._

            =The Red Chignon.= 6 char.                   15
            =Using the Weed.= 7 char.                    15
            =A Love of a Bonnet.= 5 char.                15
            =A Precious Pickle.= 6 char.                 15
            THE GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE. 8 cha.          15
            NO CURE, NO PAY. 7 char.                     15
            THE GRECIAN BEND. 7 char.                    15

                              ALLEGORIES.
                   _Arranged for Music and Tableaux._

            =The Revolt of the Bees.= 9 female           15
            characters.

            LIGHTHEART’S PILGRIMAGE. 8 female            15
            characters.

            THE WAR OF THE ROSES. 8 female               15
            characters.

            THE SCULPTOR’S TRIUMPH. 1 male, 4 female     15
            characters.


                         MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC.

            =The Seven Ages.= A Tableau                  15
            Entertainment. Numerous male and female
            characters.

            TOO LATE FOR THE TRAIN. 2 male               15
            characters.

            SNOW BOUND; OR, ALONZO THE BRAVE AND THE     25
            FAIR IMOGENE. 3 male, 1 female
            character.

            BONBONS; OR, THE PAINT-KING. 3 male, 1       25
            female character.

            THE PEDLER OF VERY NICE. 7 male              15
            characters.

            AN ORIGINAL IDEA. 1 male, 1 female           15
            character.

            CAPULETTA; OR, ROMEO AND JULIET              15
            RESTORED. 3 male, 1 female character.


                          _TEMPERANCE PIECES._

            THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female              15
            characters.

            THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female character.     15

            WE’RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female      15
            characters.

            A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female            15
            characters.

            A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female        15
            characters.

            THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 characters.     15

------------------------------------------------------------------------

                           Transcriber’s Note


Punctuation has been normalized.

The first page of Spencer’s catalog originally located in the front of
the book has been moved to the back of the book with the balance of the
catalog pages.

The author's choices of spelling and hyphenation, and variations threin,
have been maintained.

Spellings of the names of the following authors listed in Spencer’s
catalog have been maintained, however it is noted to the reader they
differ from other published sources:

  Montague Williams has been noted as Montagu Williams in other sources.

  Lenox Horne has been noted as both Lennox Horne and Charles F. Lennox
  Horne in other sources.

  George A. Stuart has been noted as George A. Stewart in other sources.

Italicized words and phrases are presented by surrounding the text with
_underscores_.

Bold-face words and phrases are presented by surrounding the text with
=equal signs=.

The author’s use of mixed-size capital letters to identify the
characters is presented by the use of all capital letters.