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                           Transcriber’s Note

This version of the text cannot represent certain typographical effects.
Italics are delimited with the ‘_’ character as _italic_.

Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization,
spelling and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a
number of instances where it is very likely a printer's error has been
made, These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s
note at the end of the text.

There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not
included in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in
order to avoid falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as
illustration of a numbered chapter.

Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long
‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the
ligature of ‘ct’ is given as the two separate chararacters.

[Illustration]

                                  THE

                             English Rogue:

                        Continued in the Life of

                            MERITON LATROON

                               AND OTHER

                             EXTRAVAGANTS:

                     Comprehending the most Eminent

                                 CHEATS

                                   OF

                              BOTH SEXES.

          Read, _but do’nt_ Practice: _for the Author findes,
          They which live_ Honest _have most quiet mindes_.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

                           The _Third_ Part.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

               With the Illustration of Pictures to every
                                Chapter.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

                               _LONDON_:

           Printed by _Anne Johnson_ for _Fran. Kirkman_, and
               are to be sold at his Shop in _Fan-Church
              Street_ over against the Sign of the _Robin
                       Hood_ neer _Algate_. 1674.

[Illustration: decoration]

                              The Preface.

Gentlemen!

_In the first impression of this third part, a large and as I thought a
sufficient Apologie was made, for the Writing and publishing thereof.
Wherefore I shall not enlarge at this time, onely tell you that you have
here laid before you, a large Catalogue of all sorts of notorious
Rogueries; your own consciences may serve as a finger in the Margin,
pointing directly to the Guilt with which you are principally concern’d;
to deal plainly with you, had I lived in a less wicked Age than this is,
this Book had ne’re been extant; it was the vicious practices of these
corrupted times, that gave it matter and form, life and being: had the
evil inclinations of men extended no further, then to some wagish
excursions, I should have been silent; but since_ Villany _improves it
self daily, notwithstanding the many lamentable examples monthly
attending the commission thereof. I thought good to erect this Monument
of their shame and wickedness, which may serve instead of a continuall_
Sessions, _an ever-lasting_ Tyburn, _to fright these vile miscreants
from their enormous practices: I know not with what faces they can
perpetrate that again, which is now so notoriously laid open to the view
of the whole world; the beastliness of their debaucheries stinking above
ground. But I have heard some men say, that the writing of this is not
the probable way of reducing, but increasing the number of such persons
whose enormities I have just cause to complain of: I would not have you
to be so rash in your Judgments, as uncharitably to believe me to be a_
Seminary _of_ Vice, _and that I erected a Nursery for its propagation,
for I must assure you I am of better principles, and that no_ profit
_whatsoever shall buy out my interest in a good_ conscience. _What I
have done is well intended, and is the product of a painful Experience,
Travel, and Expence; and if you will have a little patience, you shall
find (in the winding up of the bottom by the conclusion of this Story,
in a fifth and last Part, which is very suddenly intended) that no crime
shall go unpunished, no particular Person who hath been guilty of these
vicious Extravagancies but shall have a punishment suitable to their
crimes: and then I hope all persons who make use of this Book to
practice debaucheries, will be induced to forbear and decline their
wickedness, lest a just judgment overtake them, as they will find it
hath done these_ Extravagants. _This is the true design and end of this
Book in generall, and whoever makes any other use or Construction do’s
greatly abuse the real and true intents of their honest_ Monitor.

                                             _Fra. Kirkman._

[Illustration]

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                                  THE
                             ENGLISH ROGUE:

                        Continued in the Life of
                            Meriton Latroon,

                               AND OTHER
                             EXTRAVAGANTS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              _PART III._

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                CHAP. I.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _rehearses how she cheats her Lovers; who being with
  Child, made all that had to do with her contribute to her expence in
  lying in, and recompence her lost honour. She goes into the country to
  lay her great Belly; in her Journey she falls into the acquaintance of
  a crafty Old Woman_ (alias: _a Procurer_.)


Mrs. _Dorothy_ having thus given me an account of her first Adventure, I
received much satisfaction in the Relation; and told her that I found
she was much improved in cunning since my first acquaintance with her;
for I had enjoyed her without much advantage to her self, for she had a
great Belly, with little profit, not knowing who was, or were to find a
Father: whereas now she had her choice of three, and money enough to
boot whereby to purchase a handsome provision for her self and child.
Yes, reply’d she, I did not intend to be caught again; for then it would
have been my own fault, you having experienced me in the fallacies of
your Sex; and therefore, as I told you, I made my bargain with all my
three Friends as politickly as I could; and upon second thoughts,
altered somewhat of the terms I had formerly agreed upon: for whereas my
first Customer had given me twenty pounds in hand, to provide me with
necessaries during my time of lying in, and had agreed to provide for
the Child, when it should be born: I told him I had provided a Nurse for
it already that was willing to take all the charge, and discharge him
from any further trouble, upon payment of fourty pounds more; to this he
easily consented, and gave Bond in to me, in the name of a Friend of
mine; whom I told him was the Party that would make provision for the
Child.

Thus did I settle matters with the first: and with the second I
continued my bargain, of having twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds
more at the birth of the Child. And my Masters Brother and I continued
our old bargain of the like sum, of twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds
more, to be paid at 6 moneths; neither did I discontinue my
familiarities with any of them; for I managed my affairs so cunningly,
that some nights I lay with my first Customer without the knowledge of
my Master’s Brother, from whom I endeavoured only to conceal it, and not
from my second for he, as I told you, was privy to my dealings with him,
and by that means only first gained his ends upon me: sometimes I lay
with my second Customer, but it was with some regret, for I had the
least affection for him of the three; but now he since he had bled some
of his yellow pieces, and give me what I desired of him, I could not
well refuse him his desires of me, neither was he so shy as formerly;
for he valued not though my Masters Brother sometimes discovered us, for
he knew that our dealings were not concealed from him, and therefore he
was the bolder. But with my Masters Brother I was more free than ever;
he having as much again for his money as either of the other, neither
was it perceived by either of them; for he having the command of the
house, so ordered it, that my Lodging was nearest to his; and therefore
we had the more conveniency to come at one another.

We drave this trade for some Moneths, till in the end my Master’s
Brother gaining the goodwill of his Sweet-heart, he was married to her,
and then he for some time fell off. But he had not lain with his Wife
above a fortnight, but he became weary of her embraces, and renewed his
love again to me; I at first withstood him, and used Arguments to
disswade him from any such course; but all would not do; for he told me
he found but little pleasure in the cold embraces of his Wife; neither
had he married her, but for her Estate, which was considerable; many
other Arguments he used to perswade me, who was not altogether
unwilling; and so we again renewed our former pleasure; but we were
necessitated to be very private, and only now and then to have a private
meeting in the day time, for he was to accompany his Wife in the Night.
But as privately, and craftily as we carried our selves, we were at
length discovered; for my second Customer, after he had paid for his
pleasure, was more desirous to have his penny-worths out of me, and
still importuned me to interviews so often, that I much grumbled at him;
and he being a weary Fox, still dogg’d and watch’d me, and that so
often, that at length he found me and my Masters Brother in our strict
embraces; he being both glad and angry, without any [by your leave]
entered the Room where we were (the door being only carelesly put to)
and without any words approaching the Bed whereon we lay, drew the
Curtains, and said; well, Master _John_ (for so was his name) that sawce
which is good for the Goose, I hope will be good for the Gander; self
do, self have; I hope, Sir, since you have put in for your share in the
pleasure, you will be share, and share like in the charge. Well, replyed
Mr. _John_, it shall be even as honest Mrs. _Dorothy_ will have it; and
thereupon removed, and sitting upon the Bed, I began to give him bad
words, calling him jealous Coxcomb; and he again flew at me, telling me
that I was insatiate, and that twenty would not serve my turn; and that
now he found the reason of my slighting him, for Mr. _John_; but if we
would not do him Justice, he would be revenged on us both: to that Mr.
_John_ replyed, asking him what he would have? I would, said he, have my
money, and my Bond again; for I see, and find, there is little reason
that I should pay for other mens Leachery; you make me provide for a
Child, that, for ought I know, hath twenty Fathers; well, said I, you
have had too much for your money; and if you are grieved, amend your
self; so I will, said he, furiously going away out of the Room. He being
gone, Mr. _John_ and I fell to consulting, what was to be done in this
affair; and after many propositions, we at length agreed, that it was
most convenient for me to be gone from my service, and to leave
_London_, for some Country Habitation; lest this angred Coxcomb should
mischief us, by discovering our practice to Mr. _John’s_ Wife, or some
else, that was worse: I was willing, and ready to take this course; but
I told Mr. _John_, that moneys would be wanting, to make a handsome
provision for me; for as affairs now stood, there was no expecting any
mony from my angred Customer, but what should be forced from him. That
is true, replyed he; but so soon as the money is due, for which he hath
given you Bond, I will take course with him, and compel him to pay it;
and in the mean time I will furnish you. This was that which I aimed at;
and I knowing that he had lately received a large sum of money for his
Wifes portion, with much ease gained him to pay me the fifty pounds
down, for which he had given me Bond, and being thus provided with
moneys, and making up my pack (which was much improved since my coming)
I prepared for my departure. I as yet knew not what Country to retire
to, but was resolved not to go back into my own; and therefore consulted
with Mr. _John_ about the place; who still hankered after me, resolving
I should not go far, but that he might easily visit me; appointed me a
place about ten Miles from _London_: and because he would not be
suspected of going with me, nor of being any wayes privy to my
departure, he permitted me to take my Journy without him; he promising
in a few dayes to take the opportunity of giving me a visit.

Thus did I leave his Brother’s House; but not so abruptly, but that I
had the leave of my Master and Mistress; whom I told, that my Father
being sick, had sent for me immediately; and to that end, a Letter was
framed by Mr. _John_, and brought me by a Porter.

Being now Coach’d for my Journy, I in short time arrived at the Inn,
where I was appointed to stay, till Mr. _John_ should arrive, and make
better provision for me; where an Adventure befell me, which is worthy
of your hearing: For among the rest of the Travellers, there was an
Antient Woman, who took great notice of me, still looking towards my
Apron, and eying very diligently my belly; which although it was now
somewhat greater, being about three Moneths gone with Child; yet I had
endeavoured, by busking it down, and using all other means to hide it;
but the Old Woman was not so dim-sighted, but she discovered the fraud;
and having been a good one her self in her time, quickly smelt out the
matter; and believed, and guessed the cause right, as it was; for my
thinn Chops, and sharp and whitely looks gave evident testimonies of
what disease I was sick of; and looking more throughly upon me, and
examining the features of my buxome Countenance, she conjectured right,
that some good Fellow had got up my belly at _London_, and I was going
into the Country to be lightned of my burthen: she having a while
considered with her self, that I might be very useful for her in an
affair she had then in hand, was very pleasant with me, desiring my
further acquaintance. I was not shye for the matter, but knowing that I
had money enough to bear me out in any cross adventure that might
happen, was resolved to see what the Old Woman meant by her familiarity.
She first gave me Joy of my great Belly; to which I replyed, she might
be mistaken; well, well, said she it matters not, whether I am or no;
but if it be not so, I wish it were; and methinks it is a pity that you
should be sick of any other disease; for I have so much skill in
_Physiognomy_, that I can tell that you are of a more Jovial Temper than
now your countenance shews for, and it is very unfit, that one of your
years and complexion should want the pleasures of a fit Bed-fellow; but
I suppose you are not ignorant of those enjoyments, and have a Husband,
with whom you have experienced the sweet of a Married Life. Truly,
Madam, said I, you are much mistaken; for I never yet entred into that
honourable Estate of Matrimony. Well, that matters not much, replyed
this good Old one; but I have miss’d of my aim, if you are ignorant of
what I have told you; and although you may have no Husband, yet I
believe you have a Friend, who has been dabling with you, and swel’d
your Belly; if it be so, you are not the only she that is guilty of that
pleasing Crime; for I my self have been good in my time; and still have
a Colts tooth in my head.

Thus did the Old Dotterel initiate her acquaintance with me; and had
well near put me to the blush, but that I turned my face aside, and
gently wip’d it with my Handkerchief; and then I told her she was very
pleasant, and that a little in the extreams, considering the publickness
of the place (there were more Guests in the Room) and our small
acquaintance. As for the place, said she, I must confess, as we are not
all one Womans Children, so we ought to be somewhat careful; but I shall
make amends for that, by desireing you to withdraw into a more private
place; and as for the short time of our acquaintance, I question not,
but we shall quickly set our Horses together, and I hope our present
meeting may be advantagious to us both, especially, if it be as I yet
expect it. What do you mean, said I? That is, replyed she, if you be
with Child, and such a Gamester as I wish you. I was much amazed at this
Womans confidence; but however, she having been so open with me, I
resolved to be as free with her: hoping her words might prove true, and
that some benefit might be made out of her acquaintance; and therefore
advising her to leave that Room, for another more private, she soon
obey’d me; and having entred, and causing a good fire, and Wine to be
brought, we sat down together, not without my receiving some
salutations, and strict embraces from my Antient, but to me new
acquaintance. After we had each of us washed away sorrow with a Cup of
the best Canary, the Old Woman being now more bold than before; again
took me in her arms, & laid her hand hard upon my Belly; when it so
fortuned, that at that very instant the Child gave a gentle turn in my
Belly; which she quickly felt; and then cryed out, Well, Daughter, you
see I was in the right; therefore since I have discovered somewhat, I
pray tell me the rest of your condition; and I question not but you will
receive much profit by your discovery: I was resolved to be very free
with her, and acquaint her with the chiefest of my Adventures; still
concealing so much thereof, as should, or might be convenient to be made
known; whereupon I thus began.

Mother (since you will have it so) I shall make a free confession of my
Crime; hoping you will be merciful in the pennance you shall impose;
seeing, as you say, I am not the alone guilty party; and thereupon I
recounted to her, how that I being born in such a Country, and desirous
to see fashions, went up to _London_, and there happened into a Service;
where my Masters Brother falling in love with me, after some Courtship
(he promising me marriage) we came to enjoyment; that he,
notwithstanding his promise married with another; who indeed exceeded me
in Fortune, as I her in beauty; but my sweet heart soon after marriage
came to me, and repented of his bargain; but since that was past could
not be remedied, I was forced to be contented; and indeed, I having a
great love for him, permitted him still to lye with me, that in the end,
I was with Child by him; and then we consulting what was most necessary
to be done, it was at length concluded, that I should leave my service,
and retire into the Country, till I were rid of my great Belly; and to
that end and purpose, I was now come into the Country, expecting him in
short time to follow me. Thus did I give her a short, though somewhat
true, account of my Fortunes; and when I had done, she thus replyed.

Well, Daughter, since your condition is as I judged it, and indeed hop’d
it to be; I shall play the Chymist, and extract Golden Fortunes to you
out of your own desperate misfortunes; for I doubt, as your Lover hath
once been false to you, so he may prove the second time; and now he hath
sent you a journey, he may leave you to shift for your self; and to look
for another Father for your Child. But, Daughter, (continued she) if you
will be rul’d by me, you shall not only have a rich Father, but a great
fortune for your Child: and perhaps, so much ready money for your self,
as you will not only give me thanks, but reckon this our meeting to be
the most fortunate Accident of your whole Life. I thank you very kindly,
replyed I, for your fair offers, but I shall desire you to explain your
self further; and I suppose I shall put so much confidence in you, as to
be rul’d by you; although I do not in the least doubt that I shall be
put to those extremities you imagine. So much the better, replyed she;
but however, that I may fit you for those purposes I have designed, and
partly propounded to you; I shall give you an account of some part of my
Life and Adventures; and thereupon she thus Began.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. II.

_The Old Woman relates to Mrs._ Dorothy, _where she was born, in an Ale
  house; how educated in all manner of debauchery; how she had a
  Bastard, which she murther’d, is after marriage gotten with Child by
  a_ Moor, _and perswades her Husband it was his, notwithstanding, it
  being conceived so by the strength of imagination. Her Husband growing
  jealous of the Black_ Moor, _fights him; and they kill one the other.
  A strange adventure between her Lover and a_ Frenchman, _with a Wind
  mill_.


I was born (said she) at _Portsmouth_; a Sea-Port-Town, very well known,
not only to most _English_ Men, but also to many Strangers. My Parents
were of the ordinary ranck, keeping a fudling School, or House of good
fellow-ship. I was educated, according to the Custom of the place, to
learn to read, and Sew; in learning of which having spent two or three
years, at the Age of eleven I was taken home to sit in the Barr and keep
the scores; I was well pleased to be at home, because there was great
variety of Guests; especially merry drunken Saylors: who, when they had
liberty to come ashore, would lustily booz it; and sing, and dance, all
weathers. And to that end, our House was still accommodated with a blind
Harper, who pick’d up a merry living: I taking pleasure in Musick, and
my Father thinking it would advance his trading, bought for me a pair of
Virginals; and hired a man to teach me: I giving my mind to it, soon
learnt some tunes, which I played to the merry Saylers, whilst they
pull’d off their shoes, and danc’t Lustick; and sometimes I gaining a
Teaster, or Groat for my Musick, was so encouraged, that I quickly took
all the instructions my Master was able to give me; I likewise learned
some songs of him, and some of the Saylers; so that in little time I was
well furnished with fat and lean Songs; so we term’d the bawdy and
others. Although I soon understood what was meant by bawdy Songs; yet I
was yet to young to have experience of them: however, when my Auditors
laugh’d, and sometimes hug’d and kiss’d me, I had some kind of Notions
that were very pleasing to me; and although my Mother sometimes told me
of the hateful name of Whore, and how much it concerned me to keep my
Maiden-head; yet I resolved that if it were long ere I were married, yet
it should not be so before I tryed what it was to lye with a Man:
however I followed my Mothers directions, in frowning, and scouling on
those who forc’d a kiss from me. But, as I had designed, so it came to
pass; for at the Age of fourteen years, a Sayler, who of all other sort
of People, I liked best, gained my good liking: he newly came home from
a boon Voyage, and was full of half Crown pieces, and took up his
quarters at our house; my Father seeing him so flush, was resolved to
milk him; and therefore permitted him to keep me Company, though he saw
he was very familiar in hugging and kissing me; I likewise had a great
mind to some of his money, and therefore begg’d some of him to buy
Ginger-bread, Sugar, Plumbs, Figgs, Fruit, and such like liquorish
things; he believing, that as I had a liquorish tooth, so I might have a
liquorish Tail, refused me no moneys I desired; but I being somewhat
modest in the smallness of my demands, had but little that wayes by fair
play; therefore I bethought me, how I might be Mistress of more;
therefore was resolved, at the next opportunity, to pick his pocket,
which I guess’d would be no difficult matter to do; in regard he was
oftentimes much overtaken with the Creature; and therefore, to the end I
might effect my desires, when we were met next together, I drank pretty
smartly with him, and conveyed some strong waters into each cup of his
Beer; and so in short time he being somewhat tipsie, desired me to sing
him a song, which I performing, he was quickly, as I supposed fallen
asleep; I sat in his lap, and as cunningly as I could, slipt my hand
into his Pocket; where I gathered up three or four half Crowns; as
sleepy as he was, he observed me, and while I was at my work, he was at
his; and as slighly he conveyed one of his hands into another place,
having not as yet been at that sport; I squeek’d out, which made him
rise, and me withdraw my hand, and both of us leave our Prizes; and I
blushing for anger, that I was so doubly catch’d, would have left the
Room; but he taking hold of me, desired me to be quiet, and told me,
what was done on his part was but in jest, as he supposed what I did
was; and that it was but _quid_ for _quo_. I having by this time gained
some confidence, was, at his entreaty, content to stay longer with him,
and sung another song; which when I had done, he gave me four half
Crowns (a greater sum than I was ever till then Mistress of) and told
me, since he knew what I would have, he would give it me, as he hoped I
would do the like. To which I replyed, I knew not what I might do in
time, if he continued his kindness to me. Thus did I encourage him to be
liberal to me, in hopes of his desired reward: and thus neither of us
(knowing one anothers minds) was long backwards, without enjoying our
desires; he giving me some money and a Ring. I permitted him to enjoy me
as fully as he could wish or desire; and many rancounters we had
together, both at home and abroad, as time and place would permit: but
as the longest day will have an end so had his money; and then my Father
perceiving that it was low ebb in his Pocket, began to be more wary and
circumspect of him, and to watch him, and slight him, lest he should
gain anything upon me, and run into his score; and so he might lose as
much in the shire, as he had got in the hundred; the Old Woman, my
Mother, being somewhat suspicious of me, still watch’d us with much
wariness; and he not having money to treat me abroad at other houses, as
formerly, we were fain to have all our sports at home when we had
conveniency; and there we were so narrowly put to it, that we were
oftentimes in danger to be catch’d.

When my sweet-heart could get any Moneys he would treat me abroad; and
one day having been walking with me, he committed one of the greatest
extravagancies I ever heard of he had drank very hard and was now almost
fluster’d, when coming by the Wind mill which is near our Town, the wind
blowing somewhat moderately, there was a _French man_, who challenged
some _English_ Saylers to shew some feats of activity; among other
exploits, he took hold of one of the wings of the Wind-mill, and holding
fast, was carried round therewith, lighting very orderly on the ground
upon his feet. This was a wonderful, and we thought desperate attempt,
and he much bragg’d of it daring any _English man_ to do the like: my
sweet-heart being with me, and desirous to gain my esteem, and being
somewhat pot shaken, makes no more ado, but likewise takes hold of one
of the wings of the Windmil; which by reason the wind blew more freshly
than it had done lately, caused the Mill to go more swiftly then
ordinary; and he not being able to hold fast, was thrown off: but though
it was a pretty way off, yet to his good Fortune, he was not thrown to
the ground (which would have broken his bones,) but into a pond of
water; and there he being very skilful in swimming, soon recovering
himself, swam to the shore; and not forgetting what he had done, cryed
out, _Now let any Mounsieur of ye all do the like_. All there present
did much applaud him; some attributing that to his design and skill,
which indeed was by chance; and truly, it was a good chance for him,
that he broke not his neck: but he then escaped any further danger: and
some Merchants being there present, were so surprized with the manner of
the action that they gave him ten shillings to drink; he being thus
rewarded for his folly, thought it his best course to go home; where we
being come, and my Father made acquainted with the matter, and that he
had money in his Pocket made much of him, and perswaded him to go to
bed; and my Mother procured him a Sack posset, which we all eat of at
his beds side; but little did they think that this was a kind of a
Bride-posset: for, although we were not married that day, yet we lay
together that night; for when they were in their bed, in went I to his;
where he expected me, having before enjoyned me to make use of that
opportunity, which I did, to both our good intents: for we enjoyed one
another in full freedom of all dilights: this being the first and last
time I ever lay with him: for not long after, his coyn being spent, and
a Voyage presented it self, he Shipp’d himself, and away he went for the
_East Indies_; we promising a constant continuance of our affections.
But he being gone, it was not long, ere I found a strange alteration in
my body, being taken with pewkings, and vomitings, such as young Married
folks are used to have; whereupon I concluded, that I should soon have a
great belly, which so fell out; but before that, I had a Husband to
Father it.

Our House being publique, we entertained all Comers; amongst the rest,
there came a Sayler, who had had the Fortune to meet with a prize; and
he for his own share had two hundred pounds Sterling. This was so tall a
Fortune as was unusual to be the possession of an ordinary Sayler; and
he chancing in at our house, my Father was very desirous to rid him of
his mony: he acquainted my Mother with his purpose, and told her, that
this Fellow would make a very good Fortune for me their Daughter; and
they might by means of this live more plentifully then ever. The Fellow
soon expressed a great deal of love for me, which my mother taking
notice of, told me of her own and my Fathers intentions, and bid me
prepare to entertain his love, for they designed him for my Husband; she
advised me to be free and courteous to him, but by no means to let him
proceed further then the ordinary civility. I promised her all
obedience, and she was very diligent and watchful over me. My sweet
heart was very sweet upon me, and would fain have been dealing with me,
as Merchandize, bidding very fair for me, but I resolved to have all or
none; would not let him have a bit, but what was lawful: he being thus
stopt, was the more earnest; and at length, rather than lose me, agreed
to have me at my own terms which was marriage; which at length was fully
agreed upon. But my qualmes encreasing as did my belly, my Mother
suspected somewhat was the matter, and therefore took me strictly to
task; and so wrought with me; that I confessed I had been sporting with
my former sweet-heart; this news much startled her; but she who had
passed many such brunts, soon found out a remedy; and told me that if I
would be wholly ruled by her, she would still warrant the business
should go on prosperously enough; for, said she, I will direct you to
carry your self, so as the loss of your Maiden-head shall not be
discovered; and as for your great Belly, we will when you are marryed,
send your husband to Sea before your time of delivery: and in the mean
time, we will manage all matter cunningly enough. My Mother having thus
encouraged me, I prepared for the wedding day, which was soon after
appointed; which being come, and night also, we went to bed; and there
my Bride-groom going about to enjoy me, I counterfeited all kinds of
simplicity; I cryed, sob’d, and screeked out; and he had much ado, with
puffing and blowing, and sweating, to possess himself of me. I had all
the marks and symptoms of untouch’d Virginity; and the more to beguile
him, notwithstanding all his fair words, and endeavours, I made so great
a noise as raised my Mother; who coming into our chamber, found me in
swound; from which she soon brought me, by rubbing me with Vinegar, and
other Remedies; and she perswaded me to be patient, and desired him to
deal kindly with me, using this Proverb; _Gently_, John, _the Girls
Young_, She left us, and then with somewhat more Patience I permitted
him to take his pleasure with me.

Thus was I marryed, and came off with all Credit imaginable; but
afterwards it did not proceed as we expected; for my Husband being very
fond of my company, would not by any means be perswaded to leave me for
the Sea; but intended, now he had gained money enough, to live on shore.
This resolution of his was very unpleasing; but I was forced to be
contended, and to provide against the time of my delivery of my great
Belly, which now came on a pace, and indeed was somewhat sooner than I
expected; for I was taken one day with a suddain pain, which much
surprized my Mother; for my Husband was in the House, and hearing my
cryes, would needs force his way into my Chamber; where I was
accompanyed by my Mother, who was instructing me what to do; on his
approach to the Bed, my pains encreased, and a Child was born into the
World; but, that he might not discover the fallacy, by the crying of the
Child, I smothered it; and lying still for some space, my Mother
perswaded him to depart; he being gone, my Mother fell to work; and
removed the Child, playing the Midwife in the best manner she could; and
all being buried, and _I_ put into order, she told her Son in law, that
these were extream fits of the Chollick, and would now they had begun,
continue for some dayes; wherefore she desired him to take another
Lodging, and let her lye with me: to this he hardly consented; but at
length, at both our importunities, he was content, and in ten dayes
time, I still every day counterfeited fits of groaning, but he seeing I
sensibly amended, would no longer forbear lying with me.

Thus did I escape this misfortune, and came off with flying Colours,
without the least suspition; so that I was encouraged to proceed in
further Roguries; which was the ruine of my Husband, and in which I had
like to have been involved. I told you our house was for all Guests; and
now by the addition of my Husbands money, which was employed in my
Fathers Trade, to encrease his stock, our house the best furnished, was
the best customed house in the Town; amongst the rest, there came a
Person of Honour, who had been a Traveller, and among his Attendants a
Negro, or Black-man, which he had brought from _Guiana_. This Black-more
was reported by his Master and others, to be the Son of a Prince in his
own Country; I look’d on him with an affectionate and smiling
countenance; which he perceiving, and also that I was handsome, much
desired my company; and being Master of money enough to spend on me, he
had many opportunities of courting me; at the first, I examining what I
was about to do drew back, thinking it a very strange thing to be kiss’d
by a Black-more, but use brought it into Custom; and I endured not only
that, but also methought I had a minde to taste of his flesh, perswading
my self, that there would be more than ordinary satisfaction in that
enjoyment; and he finding me coming, so prosecuted his suit, that it was
not long ere I enjoyed him: I must confess much to my content, for
nothing but his sparkling eyes was to be seen in the dark, which indeed
were as shining, as two stars in a clear night; and he was as much
delighted with me: so that we promised to take all opportunities for
enjoyment. The Lords business kept him there so long, that we had so
much sport in jest, as turned to earnest; for I found my self to be with
child, and I did absolutely believe that my Black-friend was the Father
of it: this consideration put me into a deep melancholly; for we carried
our business not so privately, but that we were taken notice of, and
suspected by my Mother; but much more by my Husband, whose extreme love
to me was converted into as extreme a jealousie; and he looked on my
Black-friend with a great deal of horror.

I finding my self with Childe, and doubting it was by him, a fancy
possessed me, that I should bring forth a Black-More like the Father:
this, I say put me to a very great _non-plus_; and I endeavoured by all
means to blind my Husband, and take all suspition from him: I told him,
I believed I was with Child, this pleased him; but I also added, I
doubted, I should not render him compleatly satisfied: for that I had a
very great fancy that the Child would be black, and I could give no
reason, but that the sight of my Lords Black-More was deeply imprinted
in my fancy: I told him, I had read the story of a Black Queen and King,
who had a Child that was white; and being so born, was thrust out of the
King his Fathers Dominions, for no other cause but because he was white;
and the Queen his Mother hardly escaped the fury of her Husband, who
shrewdly suspected her guilty of Adultry with some white-man, because
the Child was so. This said I, was the Crime laid to her charge; and it
seemed so reasonable to him and all his Nobility; that notwithstanding
the Queen was alwayes esteemed to be a vertuous woman, yet she hardly
escaped with her life. But at length, a wise man of that Kingdome coming
to the Court, and hearing of the matter, and that the Queen was banished
as well as her Son; he, said I, walking about the Court, and coming into
the Kings Bed-chamber, there saw the Picture of a fair white-woman,
which had, as great rariety, been presented to the King he then
remembring the unfortunate case of the Queen, did really believe that
the sight of that white Picture had occasioned the Queen to conceive and
bring forth a white Child. Being thus convinced, and perswaded in his
own opinion, he was not long before he perswaded the King to the same;
and the Queen having been alwayes of an unblemisht reputation, it was
concluded by the King, and all the Nobility, that the Queen was
innocent: and thereupon the banishment was repealed, and both received
home with great joy, state, and honour; and this Son, after his Fathers
decease, was crowned, and reigned King of the Place. Now sweet-heart,
said I, this being so, and fancy having so strong an operation in the
womb by the only site of a Picture, I cannot but imagine that the real
presence of one may work much more and greater effects, especially since
I find a very great inclination not only to love, but long for black
things; black cherries, I affect extreamly, as also damsons, sloes, &
black-bullies; I chiefly feed on black puddings; and it is not very
long, said I, since I longed for a black hat, and did eat it up every
bit: and now I have lately had a great desire to a dish of butter’d
char-coal.

This discourse wrought variously with my Husband, who, although he did
somewhat suspect me, yet would he take no great notice at present, but
told me, that surely this was but fancy, and would in the end amount to
nothing: I was content with his answer; but knowing his mind stood
thereto bent, I first propounded, that the Black-more should depart our
house, or else that I might remove from home to some other place, to
see, if by his absence the fancy would leave me: to this he willingly
agreed; and in regard to move for the Black-more’s departure until his
Lord went also, would not only raise suspicious Discourses, but turn to
our disadvantage, by reason they were good Guests; we therefore resolved
that I should remove four or five miles from home; the which I did the
next day; but my departure was not so secret, but that I gave notice
thereof to my beloved Black-more, who promised not to be long before he
took the opportunity of giving me a visit; the which he did unseen of
any, I letting him in at a back Garden door; and thither he usually came
to me once in two or three days: we sometimes spent some hours together
in a Banqueting-house in the Garden; and at last grew so bold, as to
spend whole nights in bed together; so that my Husband, who sorely
suspected me, was resolved to watch my waters; and one Evening missing
the Black-more, who was then come to me, he at midnight departed; and
coming to the back door whereat the Black-more entred, he finding it
open, entered, saw the Candle in my Chamber, and I believe could hear
our voyces, but knew not how to enter without great noise; wherefore,
now resolving in his mind what to do, he waited till the morning,
walking about the Garden; but in regard the Black-more had some affairs
of his Lords that morning to dispatch, he arose early, and left me; I
shut fast the door, and left him; no sooner was he down, but my angry
Husband with a drawn sword meets him; he seeing and knowing him, guessed
his purpose, likewise quickly draws; and they running upon one anothers
swords, soon bereft each other of life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. III.

_The Old Woman relates, that her Husband and Black-friend having killed
  one another, she removes her lodging; and is brought to bed of a young
  Black-more, which she likewise murthereth; and then again removing her
  quarters, and passing for a maid, is married to a young Inn-keeper;
  who, instead of her, had a maid servant for his Bed fellow; who being
  both sleepy, she sets fire of the House; and then pretending to fetch
  water at the Well, tumbles her in, where she is drowned._


Thus, said Mrs. _Dorothy_, did the old Hagg give me an account of her
mischievous beginning; and indeed, in the prosecution of her story, she
acquainted me with so many horrible actions, that I was agast; and
wondered that the Earth did not open, to swallow up a wretch so
monstrously wicked; but I think, said she, by what I have said, I have
told you enough to know her, and therefore shall pass over the rest of
her actions in silence: nay, said I, Mrs. _Dorothy_, since you have
begun to give us so fair an account of the foul actions of this your
wicked acquaintance, I shall desire you to take the pains to proceed
therein. Truly, said Mrs. _Mary_, although I have known many wretched
People in my dayes, yet I never heard of the like; and I suppose by what
you have already recounted, that all you have further to say will be
both remarkable, admirable, and pleasant (if we may account that
pleasant which is so mischievously, and wickedly witty;) and therefore
I, as well as our friend here, desire you to continue your relation; and
if you will take the pains, we will have the patience to hear you to the
least particular. Mrs. _Dorothy_ being thus requested by us both,
replyed, that she should be content to grant our desires, but then we
must have a great deal of patience, and pardon those impertinent
ignorances that she should be forced to recount, in relating so many
notable and various adventurous actions of another: We told her, we
should willingly attend, and excuse her in all; and thereupon she thus
continued.

Although (said this old Trot) my Husband, and my black friend had
quickly dispatch’t their business, by thus dispatching one another, yet
they were neither so sudden nor so silent, but I both heard and saw them
tilt at one another with their swords, which were bathed in each others
heart blood; and so they fell, grinning at each other with horrible
Countenances and they lay so close together, that they could catch hold
of one another, and fight with their hands, their swords being sheathed
in one anothers bodies; but this contest could not, neither did it last
long, their hearts being suffocated with Blood, and so in short time
they both expired; which I discovered by the noise of hollow groans: and
thus continued she, was I deprived of a Friend, and a Husband. I was
startled at the present, but considering what was to be done, went to
bed, and lay there till some of the house came and bounc’d at my Chamber
door; I suffered them to continue knocking for some time, as if I had
been asleep; but they growing more furious by reason of my silence, were
ready to break open the door, when I jumped out of my bed, and in my
smock opening the door, asked them what was the cause of their violent
knocking; they replyed, they were glad to see me alive, which they much
doubted, by reason of my silence, and having seen such a doleful sight
as was then in the Garden: I seeming ignorant of all, desired them to
explain themselves, and acquaint me with their meaning; they were not
long then ere they had told me, that my Husband and the Black-more who
quartered at my Fathers, were both dead in the Garden: I was amazed, ran
then to the window, and there beheld what I too well knew already; and
then cryed out, and in lamentable and furious manner threw my self on
the floor, tearing my hair, and making great lamentation; by this time
the Constable and other Neighbors were come, but could not get any thing
out of me to discover any knowledge of the fact. I seemed a stranger to
all; and so the Bodies being removed, word was sent to my Father and
Mother, who quickly came thither; but finding me, as the rest, to
pretend ignorance, nothing could be done; but the People conjectured
variously, and though they could not accuse me as the murtherer, yet I
was shrewdly suspected to be the cause; they judging the truth as it
was: but however, I was without the compass of the law, and therefore
escaped all trouble.

Their Bodies were soon after buried, and I thought it absolutely
necessary to abscond my self, lest (the time of child bearing being near
approaching) I might be further discovered by the Complexion of the
child, which I did verily believe would be black; and therefore I left
my Fathers house, and went to an obscure Village about ten miles off; I
took up my lodging with an old Woman of my Mothers acquaintance,
pretending a great melancholly since the death of my Husband, and
therefore avoided all Company: I had all along attempted to destroy the
Child in my Womb, and to that end I had taken _Savine_, and many other
drugs and potions, and using to jump, and leap, and wrastle, to cause my
self to miscarry, but all in vain; so that in fine, I was forced to use
the same remedy I had done, and smother the Child so soon as it was
born; I had all possible conveniences to do it, whilst the Midwife, who
lived at some distance, was not much looked after, although it was
somewhat black, which was now taken to be so, only by reason of its
strugling for passage; and wanting a Mid-wife, I caused it to be quickly
nail’d up in a box, and so with little trouble passed over the
difficulty of this affair: my Mother soon came to me, and accommodated
me, with every thing fit for my condition, so that it was not long ere I
perfectly recovered; and I having no mind to return to my Fathers nor to
stay in that place, caused my Mother to provide me with a gentile habit;
and money in my pocket, and being thus fitted, went twenty miles
further, to the house of another of my Mothers acquaintance; and having
been so unfortunate with a Husband, was resolved not to own that ever I
had been married, but to pass for a maid; which I might well enough do,
not being yet above eighteen years of age. My beauty then was so
charming, that I quickly gained many adorers; and it being given out
that I was a Virgin, and of a good fortune, had many Sutors in earnest,
that woed me in the honest terms of marriage. Having the choice of
several, I was the more coy; but in the end, there was one, who was an
Inn-keeper, whose Father being lately dead, and left a handsome
competency, him I accepted of, but with great jealousie and suspition of
my self; lest he was a cunning youngster, should discover the want of my
Virginity. I was sensible it would be no difficult matter for him to
finde me out, but I was resolved to try my Wits, and prevent his
discovery: to this end I delayed my marriage for some time, till I could
bring my matters to pass; which (said she) I did in this manner.

There was a Servant-Maid in the House, whom I usually had for my
Bed-fellow, and with her I was very free in all my discourse,
acquainting her with all passages between me and my Sweethearts; and
many pleasing discourses we had upon those occasions, and commonly we
spent some hours every night when we were in Bed, in these Conferences:
I asking her which of my Sweet-hearts was the best, and likliest to
prove a good Husband; she and I both jumped in one mind, and she seemed
to rejoyce at the good Fortune I was likely to enjoy, in having so
handsome, and accomplish’d a Person, as he was with whom I was to be
Married; saying, that of all men breathing, she never saw one whom, she
thought, she could love better; and adding, that she would give all the
money in her Pocket to have my place on the Wedding Night. Well, thought
I, are you there? I’le be with you anon. Truly said she, I am a perfect
Maid, not having yet had to do with any Man; and for deed, nay, for
thought and word, untill this time, was a pure Virgin; but methinks,
since I saw your Sweetheart, I have such pleasing imaginations, that I
could willingly experiment the effects; but, continued she, I hope you
will take all this in good part, and not be jealous of me, for I shall
not in the least injure you, no, though your Sweet-heart should desire
it; besides, my Quality and condition is so much beneath yours, that it
would be but a folly to expect it: but shall wish you all happiness with
your beloved Bridegroom. She having opened her mind thus freely to me,
it was the thing I only aimed at, and above all things wish’d for; and
therefore, that I might now stricke while the Iron was hot, I thus
replyed; come, come, do not counterfeit more Modesty than needs, but
tell me truely, and sincerely, if I can find a way to compass your
desires; and be therewith content, and willing, will you obey me in what
I shall desire of you? This is a strange proposition, said she, and I
believe far from your heart to do, and only to try me farther; but I
pray let us talk no more of this matter.

I quickly answered, that I was now in earnest, and would (if she would
swear to me to be secret) discover a secret that was of the highest
importance, and that then all things would be as she had wished; she
wondring what I meant, and being desirous (as all women are inquisitive
after secrets) to discover mine, soon made many protestations and vows,
to be secret in what ever I should impart to her; and thereupon I told
her, that indeed about twelve moneths since, being in my fathers house,
a Gentleman of quality lodging there, and having divers times courted
me; and I alwayes refusing to hear him; and being very obstinate,
notwithstanding all his endeavours by Presents, and otherwise; he, I
said being wholy impatient, and resolved to venture all for my
enjoyment, took his opportunity, and came to bed to me; I feeling him
near me, cry’d out but in vain, for my Lodging was at too great a
distance from any bodyes hearing; and so in the end, notwithstanding my
striving, and strugling, he had his will of me; and indeed, to tell you
the truth, the danger of the brunt being over, and I well knowing that
what was past could not be recalled, was, in the end, willing a second,
or third time, to permit him the same enjoyment; and so he went away in
the Morning well satisfied, and I better pleas’d than when he came to
me. I was resolved to keep this from the knowledge of my Parents, and
did so, though he offered me Marriage, which would have been
advantageous enough for me, he being, as I said, a Person of Quality;
but however, he continued his practice with me all the time of his stay
at my Fathers, which was two Moneths; and then he departing, promised a
sudden return, and that he would then discover himself to my Father, and
request me in Marriage; I trusted to his fair words, and permitted his
departure; but he had not been long absent ere I perceived my self to be
with Child: I kept this from the knowledge of all, so long as I could;
but in the end, my Mother suspecting me, charged me so roundly, that I
confessed the Fact; she thereupon took the best remedy she could, and
unknown to my Father, sent me away to a Friend of hers, where I lay in
of a Child, which soon after dying, and I recovered, I again removed
hither, where what hath befaln me you already know as well as I; and
now, my dear Friend, said I, the case being thus, you may do me a great
kindness, and please your self, as you say, by taking my place on the
Wedding-night; and he lying with you in my stead may be deceived, and
take me for a pure Virgin; whereas otherwise I am in much doubt to be
discovered, in regard, that not only I have lost my Maidenhead, but have
also lately had a Child.

My Bed-fellow gave diligent attendance to what I had related, and after
I had satisfied her how she should behave her self in every respect, she
consented to take my turn. My business being in this forwardness, I
quickly consented to clap up the bargain with my Sweet-heart; and the
Wedding-day being come, we were accordingly Married; and at Bed time I
went to Bed with my Bride-groom, but feigning Modesty, commanded all to
depart the Room; which they did, leaving one Candle burning; I seeing
the Company gone, leap’d out of the Bed to put the Candle out; which I
did, and then, according to appointment, the Maid, who was ready in her
smock behind the Hangings, quickly got into the Bed, and enjoyed my
place; I staid in the Chamber, and could well enough discover all
passages between them, and how she made some faint resistance; but not
long it was ere they fell a sleep, and slept so long, that I was at a
very great stand what to do, lest day-light should come ere she should
awake, and then be seen by my Husband, and I disgraced and lost for
ever; I ruminated in my mind many wayes; at last I was resolved to
proceed to violence, and hazard all, rather than lose my credit; and
therefore seeing they still slept on, I went out of the Chamber into the
next; where with the help of a Tinder-box, I struck a light; and getting
a Torch, and lighting it, set fire on some part of the house, which soon
encreased to a great flame; I then made no great difficulty to make a
noise, and cry out fire, fire; this was soon seen, smelt, and heard by
my drousie bedfellows, who both arose; and I being there, caught hold of
him, as if I had lain with him; and his bedfellow being now a little
come to her self, and seeing me, began to consider what she was to do;
and ran where her cloaths were, put them on, and then came to help me to
mine.

My Husband, and all the rest of the Family being thus raised, ran about
for water to quench the fire; I being left alone with my Husbands
Bed-fellow, could have found in my heart to have killed her with a Sword
there in the Chamber: because she had been the occasion of all this
mischief; and the thoughts of that, and remembring what hurt she might
do me hereafter, in discovering my secrets or, at least, in being my
Co-rival; these Considerations made me resolve to dispatch her into the
other world; and there-fore desiring her to go down with me into the
Yard to fetch water at the Well, she did so; where I spying my
opportunity, in the absence of the rest of the Family, as she was
stooping to draw Water, I turned her head forwards into the Well; where,
before any came to help her, she was dead. I pretended to bewail her
misfortunes; but the fire, by the asistance of some Neighbours, being
now quench’d, we all retired into that part of the House that was
unburn’d; where every one lamented, not only the misfortune of the fire,
but that of the Maids death; in which I alone was principally concerned.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. IV.

_She being at home with her Husband, is Courted by Gallants; one of
  which Cuckolds him; She is out witted by her Gallant, and cheated of a
  Gown, and three Rings; she is Courted by another Gallant, and they
  study a Revenge on the first; which she executes, by appointing the
  first to come to Bed to her; where her Husband, by her appointment,
  was in her stead; who taking him in the manner, soundly whips him; in
  the mean time she is in Bed with her new Gallant._


The next day after our unfortunate Wedding-night, all Persons concerned
began to reckon up their losses; in which, neither I, nor my Husband
suffered but little; for he had nothing there but the Clothes on his
back, and I only had mine, and a Trunk of Clothes, and Linnen, which
were safe. Our Land-lord lost some of his Goods, and an hundred pounds
would not repair the damage the House had sustained by the fire; he
therefore complained much of his losses: but his lamentations were not
equal to those of an Old Woman, who lived in the Town, and was the
Mother of the Unfortunate Maid, whom I had so treacherously, and
ungratefully murthered: I was almost as joyful as she was sad, that I
was rid of so dangerous a Corrival, whom I had entrusted with my
greatest secrets.

The disorders of this House caused us to quit it sooner than we
intended; for that very day we removed to my Husbands Habitation, which
was not above four Miles distant, and there we Lodged, where that night
I received those imbraces from my Husband which were very pleasing to
me, and then all things were as well fixed as I could desire; only my
Mothers coming was every day expected, I having given her notice of my
Transactions by Letters: She came in few dayes, and that not
empty-handed; for she brought an hundred pounds in ready money with her:
this, she told her new son-in-law, was but part of a greater Sum, my
Father and she intended for my Portion; although my Husband expected
five hundred pounds with me (I having given out that I should have so
much) yet he was content with this for the present; and this money was
part of what was left me of my first Husbands. During the stay of my
Mother, we kept open House; and giving up our selves to all manner of
mirth, I found my Husband to be but an easie Coxcomb, and one whom I
thought I should out-wit, and over-rule; he was much inclined to
gameing; and, as the fortune of the Dice went, he sometimes won, and
lost again as often; at which he would be somewhat waspish and griping:
and what he lost by gameing, he would get up again out of large
Reckoning, and tricks he would put upon his Guests, who now were more in
number than formerly; for it being given out, that he was Married, and
that to one that was handsom, all the Countrey came in upon us;
especially all the roaring Lads, who spent highest, came all to see, and
present their service to their Land-lady; and as a Citizens shop is
never so well furnished, as when a handsome Wife is placed in a varnisht
seat; even so is an Inn-keepers Barr; and doth draw in Customers, all in
hopes to have a lick at her honey pot; and although a Woman be never so
chaste, and the Guests finde it so, yet if she be but handsome, her
company is still desired; but you know my temper so well, that you may
guess I should not hold out a seven years siege, if I were but once
bravely assaulted; but withall, I resolved to be as cunning as all my
Observations had taught me, and not be like a Glove for every ones
drawing on. If I had any Servants, I resolved they should be of the
best; and those I counted so, who wore most money in their Pockets, I
had my choice of several of that kind; and though I still counterfeited
a great Modesty yet I was treated, and regalia’d both at home and
abroad; there was no sport, or divertisements, but I made one of the
Company; no fair near our Town but I visited, being conducted thither by
one Gallant or other: where I had several Fairing presented me. I had my
Husbands consent to all my actions, for I still acquainted him with all;
and when I was carried to any place, I told him every particular, and
caused him to meet me at the place and time appointed; without which I
pretended a mighty unwillingness; and this I did, that he might put the
greater confidence in me.

This trade I did drive for a long time, without joyning issue with any
of my Gallants, and they gained no more upon me than a kiss, or a
languishing look, which I sometimes cast upon them to cause them to
believe that in time they might arrive to the height of their desires;
and for these my kind looks I was as kindly rewarded; they presenting me
with Gloves, Scarffs, Hoods, Rings and Cabinets, and such like Womanish
toyes, and all in hopes that they might toy with me, as in fine they
did: I had several of these Gamesters, but one above all the rest was
most in my favour, he having been the most prodigal in expences upon me;
I gave him full freedome with me, and I cornuted this as well as I had
done my other Husband; he spent much of his time in gaming, and was very
earnest at it with his Guests: and while he was at his game, I and my
Gallant were at ours. My friend for his greater pretence of freedom in
our house, would humour my Husband, and Game with him, and lose his
money; for indeed my Husband was at that sport the better Gamester,
although my friend pleased me better at the other; by these
extravagancies of his, and his losses at Gameing, he in time came to a
low ebb of money in his pocket, and was necessitated to withdraw, and
lessen his expences; so that he was not so welcome to me or my Husband
as he had been: for I was of the Old Womans Opinion, _No longer Pipe, no
longer Dance_: as he avoided expences I shunn’d his Company; and having
Friends enough who desired to be my Customers, I endeavoured to be rid
of him. He still continued his wonted freedome, and desiring my Company
abroad; and so confident he was grown, that he would ask my husbands
leave, who had not yet refused him; and therefore a Comedy being to be
acted at a Town not far off, he gained my company to go with him; I had
other company that I liked better than his, but I could not shift him
off, although I very much endeavoured it.

The Play being done, he desired to treat me privately, which I accepted
of, having a design to manage that was newly come in my head, and which
was this: I had seen a Gentlewoman at the Play, who had a new silk Gown,
of a pretty colour and fashion, I was resolved to beg such another of
him, and in case of refusal, to break with him totally: I therefore took
my opportunity, and when he desired his wonted freedom with me, I told
him he was mistaken, and I absolutely refused, and forbid him turning up
any more Coats then he was willing to pay for: he asked what I meant by
my discourse and refusal: I told him unless he would give me such a new
Gown as I prescribed to him, he should have no more to do with me: my
Gentleman was as blank as a Bell founder, and his courage was somewhat
cooled at my demands; so that he soon arose, and walked up and down in a
musing posture; at length he spake, and made some excuses and pauses:
but I being resolved on the question, told him, that he had forborn his
Pension a great while, and therefore I was resolved he should be the
more liberal, and that I would to try his love by performing that
request; if he would not grant my desires, I would also refuse him his;
but if he would give me such a Gown, he should still oblidge me, and
have the first taking of it up. Come, come, said he, you and I will not
fall out for such a matter as that, and you shall have it, or any thing
else that is in my power, or indeed that you can wish for; and within
these three dayes I will send it you, on condition that I may have a
full nights lodging with you, well, replyed I, be you so good as your
word, and I will order the matter so, as you shall have your desire: and
thus we having clapt up a bargain, concluded the discourse with two or
three kisses; and so after a considerable repast, we returned home, and
there we parted; he to contrive how to be so good as his word, and I to
order my Husbands absence, that we might lye together, as I had
promised.

My Gallant examining the matter, found that at present the strength of
his Pocket would not be sufficient to accomplish his desire, and
therefore he supplyed that defect by the strength of wit; he visited the
Gentlewoman who was owner of the Gown, and being of her acquaintance, he
requested her to let him have her Gown to shew a Taylor to make such
another by for a Sister of his; his desires being modest were the sooner
granted; and a Taylor of his acquaintance receiv’d it of her, and
immediately at his commands brought it to me, I accepted it with a
smileing countenance, and giving him a small piece of Money for his
pains, dismiss’d him; when soon after my friend likewise followed; and
my Husband being absent, we concluded that night to devote our selves
holy to _Venus_; and he being us’d to lye at our house, it was no great
difficulty for him to quit his bed and come to mine, where we spent all
that night in all those amorous enjoyments that we could devise: but he
thinking he had paid dear for his nights pleasure, was resolved to have
something more into the bargain; and that he might engage me another
time, if I fell out with him, as he foresaw I would; wherefore he taking
his opportunity when I was asleep, slipt no less then three of my Rings
off from my fingers, and put them on his; and early in the morning he
left me and my Bed, and went into his own: and having before contrived
now to play his Cards, he went to the Taylor, and advised him to come to
me, and tell me he had forgot to finish somewhat that was very
necessary, and had been omitted to be done in the Gown, and therefore he
was come to fetch it, that it might be mended, and he might have no
disgrace by his work; I being without all suspition, and seeing indeed
there were some defects, which he shewed me, delivered it to him,
desireing him to make haste with it, because I intended to have it home
before my Husbands return, and then to tell him that my Father had sent
it me; but I reckond before my Host; for although I waited two or three
dayes, and sent to the Taylor, and asked my false friend, yet I could
have none, but idle excuses and flashes; so that in conclusion I found
my self cheated; for as I understood afterwards, the Gown was presently
sent home to the right owner; whom I saw wear it the next sunday; and
then knew it, by some particular marks to be the same. This passage
vexed me to the heart; but I was three times more angry when I missed my
Rings, and upon examination found that he had beguil’d me of them; and
indeed for further confirmation, I saw them upon his fingers; this (said
she) extreemly perplexed and inraged me; so that then I converted all my
love into (its contrary) hatred, and studyed nothing so much, as how to
compass revenge. He finding that I was angred, refrained my Company at
present, and that gave opportunity to another, who had long time courted
me at a distance, to lay a closer siege to me; and he so far prevailed
with me, what with gifts, treats and presents, that I promised him that
in short time he should reap the fruits of his desired Harvest; but I
was resolved to make him instrumental in my revenge upon my abuser; and
to that end I thus broke the matter to him.

Sir, your friendship and love I very much esteem; and believing you to
be sincere, and one in whose breast I may repose trust and confidence; I
shall discover somewhat to you, that may for the future be of good
consequence to us both; and it is this: I believe you have not been so
dim sighted, but you have observed more than common familiarity between
me and Mr. such a one, naming my abusive Lover; some presents he hath
given me, for which he expected more freedome with me than I was willing
to impart; but I still kept him at a distance, although he pressed hard
upon me to enjoyment; which I not thinking fit at present to permit, he
began to clamour, at length through his importunities, I consented he
should lye with me at such a time, on condition he gave me such a silk
Gown as I named; to this he agreed, and sent in the Gown accordingly:
now it so fell out, that I could not perform what he expected, and
therefore delay’d him for a few dayes longer, till my Husband should be
absent, promising then to keep touch with him; but whether he not
believing me, or else the necessity of returning the Gown, which he had
but borrowed, as I since found; one or both these reasons induced him to
be false to me, and by a while he got the Gown out of my hands; and he
was not content with doing that only, but he also intending to abuse me
further, when we were toying together, cheated me of three of my rings;
which he as a Trophy of his Victory, and my weakness and shame, still
wears on his fingers; and I fear he is so prodigal and lavish of his
tongue, as to bray to his acquaintance, that he had those as my gifts
for unhandsome service done me.

Thus did I disguise the truth of my dealings with my abusive Lover, and
having given my new one this account, desiring his assistance in a
revenge: to this he quickly answered, that as for the Gown I had been so
out-witted in, he would make up that loss, by giving me another; and so
he would also for the rings, if I pleased; or else compel my abusive
lover to deliver them; and in all things else he would vindicate my
credit. I replyed to him, that I would not have any compulsion, for that
would make too much noise; but rather have his assistance in my revenge,
which I had thus contrived.

I would have him possess my Husband with jealousie against my abusive
Lover, and leave the rest to my ordring, which I managed thus: I gave my
abusive Friend more freedom, & shewed a kinder Countenance than I had
done of late, & that only to draw him on, which I did with much ease,
for he had a great desire to be friends with me, and upon our first
convenient parley, he confessed himself guilty, & made some trivial
excuses, which I admitted of, as I did his love, in hopes to gain my
rings, and a revenge; as for the rings, he presently returned me one,
and promised the other two the third night following, when I agreed to
lye with him, promising so to order the matter, that my Husband should
be then out of the house; we after this parley parted, and my new friend
had so dealt with my Husband, in discovering my abusive Friends freeness
and privacy with me, that he now became absolutely jealous, and intended
to make me sensible of his anger; but I knowing where the shooe wrung
him, was before hand, and the next night told him, that if he did not
take some speedy course, I was in danger, and he too, to be abused by my
abusive Lover; for said I, he hath gotten two of my rings, and shews
them abroad, reporting he had them of me, as tokens of my dishonour; and
to me he will not deliver them, unless I will promise him a nights
lodging: now said I, if you have a mind to save my honour, your own, and
revenge us both on him, I will thus do; I will seemingly consent that he
shall come to bed to me to morrow night, and to that end, I will have
you pretend to go out of Town; but instead of your going, I will go to
such a friends house, and there I’le stay; you shall lye in my Bed, and
at the hour I will appoint him he will come to bed to you, when you and
your friends, and servants, I hope taking him in the manner, will so
handle him, as he shall have little cause to boast of his nights
lodging; and you and I shall be sufficiently revenged on him for thus
attempting my Chastity.

To all this discourse my Husband gave very good attention; and it
corresponding with what he suspected, he now wholly quitted any
suspitious thoughts of me, and agreed to execute all I had propounded;
so that when the time came, my Husband pretended to lye out, took his
leave of me, and my abusive Friend, who was glad of his absence: I made
haste with him to bed, telling him about ten a Clock he might come
safely into my Chamber, and bed which he knew well enough, not to
mistake the way. I then left him, and taking horse, went to my new
friend, who expected me at our appointed Rendevouz, where he presented
me with the desired Gown, and I according to my promise, gave him a
nights lodging with me, which was much more pleasant to us both, than
was that of my abusive Friend; who at the hour appointed, went to my
Chamber, and into the Bed where my husband was expecting him; he
believing it was I, began his embraces, and other actions, declaring his
intent; with that my husband leap’d out of the Bed, and four good Old
Women of my Friends, who were hid under the bed, discovered themselves,
and having a dark Lanthorn, lighted the Room, and fell to work: first,
they tyed his hands and feet to the posts of the Beds Head and feet; and
then each being provided with a good handful of Birch laid on lustily,
till he roar’d sufficiently; my Husband making offer to geld him: but
when it came to that point, he begg’d so heartily, that my Husband
consented to his desire, only he paid the two rings he had of mine, as
ransome for his Jewels.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                CHAP. V.

_Her abused and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part;
  afterwards he is kill’d, yet kills his Corrival: the manner how, with
  other things very remarkable._


Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and
fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our
sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his
Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was
to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a
Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.

With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his
shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being
overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to
conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the
Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable;
but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that
he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging.
The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears
walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women,
whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries,
proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to
be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, _viz._ a Midwife. Haste on
both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they
were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern
one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women
first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go
forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in
white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of
the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the
Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they
seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could;
who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous
outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him.
Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they
advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an
unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when
the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that
unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly,
with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d
within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in
the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of
these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too
precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This
accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with
cold, that he very much stood in need of such _Icarian_ practices,
_Dædalian_ inventions.

In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His
Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him
home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin?
Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be
without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore
replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into
that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won
something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but
seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not
his flight procured his safety.

His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts
him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie
alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could
not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind
to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined
the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and
gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in
his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus
disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him
angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not
be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did
let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling
Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have
wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.

Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since
their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and
respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up
with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word;
which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying
aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal
in the _ear-ratling-Rhetorick_ of _Billingsgate_. How now, (said she) is
it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or
rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose
to a restless _Stallion_? Shall my roof prove the _Protector_ to such
_Caterwawling Night-walkers_? Is it not enough, that I have furnished
you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the
_Common-procurer_ of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy
Clothes I gave you must be the _Gentleman Usher_ that must lead you to
them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences
grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another
mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but
that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her
Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was;
when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her,
rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not
trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for
disturbing him from his rest.

The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she
had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them,
which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but
principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any
other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not
I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not
I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a
wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and
have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and
satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to
give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now
prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your
breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to
purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the
flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had
formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity.
And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your
satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your
smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget
your self; your _dark-Lanthorn delights_ have dazzled the sight of your
Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own
Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her
out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some
further mischief.

This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear
his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him;
and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to
some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head
out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch
(hearing murder cryed out) came running to the house with all speed (not
dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted
them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid
noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men
scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently
(this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the
firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody
condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp
instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having
neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty
commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could
not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to
interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from
further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded
them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other
could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what
confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the
watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.

Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity
resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he
come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not
much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they
might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those
Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but
one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a
wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing
who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not
agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where
I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he
(endeavouring to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his
revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was
his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with,
to fall into a _Common-house_, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that
having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had
been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him
rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating
expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his
trouble.

The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than
the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his
endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his
Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they
were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make
one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her,
and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and
fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d
design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon
which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own,
where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting
for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.

This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables
opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend
further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two
Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should
go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the
Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as
well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a
Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him:
instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she
clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have
been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this _Slavonian_, whose
garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never
imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I
believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing
the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am
inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on
looking on the phantasms of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.

I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this
revengful plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my
unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth.
However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got
home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were
restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and
so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a
naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like
to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female
distempers; a _Recipe_, as infallible against all manner of
obstructions, as ever was applyed to any _Chalk_, or _Oatmeal Eater_,
since _Eve_ lay in with _Cain_ in her first _Child bed_. Immediately
after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and
how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress
he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how
amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a
thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further
then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my
self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings
he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this
purpose.


                              The Letter.

  Sir,

_I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so
meer a_ Novice _in_ Loves-School, _as to be guilty of an amorous_
erratum, _that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer_ Baby
_in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding.
What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the_ first
head, _in the_ nonage _of Amorous matters, in the_ Hanging sleeves _of
Courtship, knew this as a_ Maxime--_that if Love, though never so
fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is
indefatigable in her revenge, till_ Death _hath put an end to the
Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your
self before your little_ Sparkling Goddesses _(as wantonly you are
pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be
dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must
not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you
instigate their incest_ Deities _to revenge, nothing but an absence, as
distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy
revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on
your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have
had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you_ witnesses of manhood,
_that they might have been_ Testimonies _continually by me, to assure my
self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an
other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent_
Embassadour _from the_ Northern Witches _to their_ Emperor _the_ Devil,
_I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left
with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let
me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them
again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being
amorous, when pennyless._

                                                    Your abused, in part
                                                        revenged, _&c._

I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter;
who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could
not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the
life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his
Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a
hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of
his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch
mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he
supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a
mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise,
for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who
continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to
execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others
and themselves into ruine and destruction.

This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet
surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword
and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what
he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a
false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise,
the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and
acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage
he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and
boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own
hands, in these terms.

                    The Answer to the former Letter.

  Madam,

_Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in_
Monte Gibello, _where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning
Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a
whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble
my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your
letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too
dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract
a friendship with_ Hell, _must first shake hands with you; your eyes
will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his
highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend
to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore
your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my
winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense
of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and
can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes
too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you,
maugre all the paint, and_ fucus, _that is on that daub’d face of thine.
Prithee name me not at any time, lest thy breath for ever poyson my
memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so
wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee,_ &c.


This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from
revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which
means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the
evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his
alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse
being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was
done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it
up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day,
pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up;
he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his
Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would
not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on
the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a
considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I
askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what
was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should
stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be
acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend
(that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our
good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other,
than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did
eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be
very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you
to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him
thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and
laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not
angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon
endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by
running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being
too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing,
bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for
this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself
so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first
pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to
die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his
Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I
soon returned with a long train of _Mirmidons_, whom I had instructed
how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in,
when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband
gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss
of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.

Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of
the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and
because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman
had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was
immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I
endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; _viz._ the
cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but
this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a
note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then,
without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein
the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was
only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the
Lines were these which follow.

           _Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore,
           Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more,
           Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face
           Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace.
           By thee I fell; then did my_ Pagan _knee
           Oft render Worship to thy Devilree.
           I (being converted) Idols won’t allow;
           Down must the_ Dagon _of thy face I vow.
           See where it lyes; that Idol, once ador’d,
           Must be for want of it, by all abhor’d.
           Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nose,
           To_ Sister-Sense _her wretched State disclose.
           And then consult thy Glass; See thy fare face
           Is vanisht, and Deaths-head stands in the place.
           Thy lips some_ Nectar _sipt from I suppose
           Will be exclaim’d on, fogh, they want a Nose.
           And may thy sparkling eyes, which me did win,
           Be thought to kindle from a fire within.
           May ulcers seize thee, for the wrong th’ast done,
           And living rott, without compassion._

The rumour of this sad disaster ran swifter than a Torrent through the
Town; insomuch that our house was so cram’d with People, that our
servants were forc’d to acquit their imployments, to give room to the
inquisitive In-comers, a chirurgeon was sent for to dress my Husband; &
a Coroner to sit upon the other two that were slain; glad I was, that I
had the opportune excuse to leave the Company; and attend my Husband; by
which means I avoided the hearing so many thousand accrimations that
were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths
hapned by Man-slaughter: and so thereby though we were present, we could
not be found accessories.

The noise of this accident did also flye into the Countrey, not
escapeing the ear hardly of any one Guest that frequented our House;
report had rendred the Fact so horrible, and my Husband and Self so
notoriously accessory thereunto, and now all our former wickedness, and
roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this last added in Capitals,
to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little
resort to our House; and our House-rent being great, and our Trading
small, my Husband and I were now necessitated to put our heads together,
by some other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou seest, said
he, the more serious, and reputable sort of People, shun our house, as
if old _Belzebub_ were there sitting abrood to hatch those diseases
which should be the destruction of the Universe. And therefore to be
revenged of their thus slighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what
moneys they forbear to spend with me, I will compel them to lend, and
more. Though I am not stout and resolute enough of my self to do this,
yet thou knowest _Humphrey_ our Tapster, is a strong Fellow, and hath a
good heart; he and I, fear not, will do the business.

For my part, I must needs confess, I question’d not _Humphrey’s_
performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try
experience, and marking what a rough-hew’n Fellow he was, all Bone and
Sinew, with a face like a tann’d Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet,
till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv’d with wire, and
others, that were clean limb’d, and streight slender bodyed joynted like
_Bartholomew Babies_, with quaking Custard faces; but so vast a
disproportion between them, that were I Widdow; and were courted by a
Knight worth five thousand pounds a year, with a handsom fair whitely
face, I should hardly be perswaded to accept of a Lady-ship, but for the
sake of his revenew.

To be short, Sir _Philip Sidney’s_ Cowards were not much ranker than my
Husband; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the
face, and bid him stand, _Humphrey_ hath strength, and valour enough to
compel them to deliver. Wherefore I perswaded my Husband by all means to
go forward with what he had propounded: I was the more willing to it, in
hopes that he would be taken some time or other; and as he was marked
for a Knave, so he might be hang’d for a Thief; and so be freed from an
impotent Husband. He seemed well satisfied that I assented to his
proposal, and look’d upon it to be a good Omen, and promised success to
his undertaking. On the other side (said he) you must not be idle at
home; you know there is now none but the debauched that resort to our
house, and therefore suit their inclination, if ought can be gotten by
so doing. Your daughter is young, and handsom, let her be the sign to
attract; but pray let me have you furnish your self with other Utensils.
The Boy too is no fool, who, by observing your carriage, and direction,
hath very ill spent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for
others, as his Mother. Well, well, (said I) husband, you are merrily
disposed; look after your business, I shall manage my own well enough, I
warrant you. My Husband and his Tapster, committed many robberies in a
little time: and very few but what were on our Guests; who freely
discoursing their affairs over a glass of Wine after Supper, many times
discovering what store of money they carried with them, and for what
purpose, gave them a fair opportunity in the Morning to set on them, and
deprive them of it. Nay, so little suspected he was of robbing, that
several have returned to our house after he hath robb’d them, and made
their complaint to him, how basely they had been abused; it was alwayes
his care, and indeed therein he shewed the utmost of his prudence, to
return home with all the speed he might possibly, after he had rob’d
any; by which means, he and his Man rob’d a long time secretly.

It was generally their good fortune to meet with such as durst not fight
them; a thing that Travellers generally, and justly, are to be condemned
for; who, with easie parting with their money, they not only shew how
meanly spirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies.
Whereas, on the contrary, would they shew themselves as desperate, and
as resolute as their assaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly
turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of the dispute. But to
return, though my Husband succeeded so well in his attempts, by meeting
with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a
thicket, earely in the morning, for the passing by of a Gentleman that
had lain the night before in our house, who had a considerable Sum of
Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of
the day, whom, by a mistake, my husband assaults; the other drawing a
Pistol, fired it at him, but mist him; however, the report had like to
have done as much mischief, as if the bullet had past through his body,
for with fear he fell from his horse; and had like to have saved the
Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapster seeing his
Master fall, and verily believing he was kill’d by that was resolved to
revenge his death, had not he seen another come Rideing to him (which
was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his
purpose, and ride away, for the preservation of his own life. The
Gentleman supposing too, that he had really dispatcht this Pad, not
seeing him move all this while (which he confest to me afterwards, he
politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and
securely see the event of the Combat: the other two that came to his
assistance judg’d the same, and advised him to ride away with all speed
to the next Justice; not only to avoid the present danger, for (said he)
this other Rogue is rid away but to get some more of his fellows, to
make a further attempt) but you will also receive the thanks of the
Country, for destroying such Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of
their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horses away they Gallopt, to find
out the next Justice; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and
mounting rode full speed home, without so much as once looking behind
him. Coming home, he found me almost drown’d in tears, and half frighted
out of my wits; not so much for sorrow of his death (which news I had
privately sent me by our Tapster) but for fear, as soon as it should be
known who this slain Thief was, I should have my goods instantly siezed
on, and my doors shut up. I was in a Room by my self, getting some Plate
together, with other choice portable things; and coming to the stair
head, with an intent to convey them out of the house, met with my
Husband full butt; whose face being pale and wan, by reason of his late
great fear, possest me with so strong a conceit, that this was his
Ghost, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had
in my Apron, I retreated. This sudden surprize so amazed him, that he
stood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-door, and had not the
power to come in: this increast my belief, however, I pluckt up my
Spirits, and boldly askt him, what he was, and what he came for? He
sneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) answered,
he was my Husband, and that he came to see me. My Husband, said I is
dead; and if thou be his damn’d Ghost, I conjure thee, by all that is
good, presently depart, and trouble me not now, since whilst living, I
could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not speaking one word, he
turn’d his back upon me, and went down stairs. I never believed my self
a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thousand times)
and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether)
whether this was a phantasm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no
further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into
the yard, would have march’d off with what I had in my lap, had he not
hastened after me, and holding me fast by the arm, told me, that he was
not quite dead, though almost frightned out of his life, and therefore
begg’d me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice;
and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.

The two Gentlemen coming to the Justice, amply declared what an eminent
piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place
one Padder, and putting to flight another; and that if his Worship
pleased to Summon a quantity of the Parish, to defend them if occasion
should require, they would shew them the place where the dead lay.
Hereupon there were a great many that offered themselves freely to go
along; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horse, nor the
sign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themselves thus
abused, and not knowing what the design of these two Gentlemen might be,
in putting such a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them
back to the Justice; who being informed that there was not the least
appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reason, why
they thus abused themselves and others, with meer forgeries: to which
they both replyed, that their eyes had seen what their tongues related,
and concluded, that other padders, confederate with this, had carried
off the Body of their Brother, that they might avoid suspition. The
Justice and others were of the same opinion, and so the Gentlemen were
dismist.

Our Tapster hearing that his Master was in health, returned home,
resolving for the future, never to hazard his life with so great a peice
of cowardize; and to speak the truth, it was high time to leave off,
since they were shrewdly suspected by the whole Town to be High-way men,
they being seen so often together on Horse-back, both early and late. My
Trade however diminisht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country
round, to be a dealer in secrets, and ready money commodities; nay,
there were not a few honest mens wives, that would not stick to trust me
in the disposal of the whole _Cargo_ of their reputation. Nay, I was so
excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would act any
difficult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if occasion served
most incomparably; and I was lookt upon as the best _Procuress_ in all
our Countrey; which I would not have been, but that I was so much tyred
with my daily, nay, hourly Visitants; for though Age and Time have
conspired to ruine the glories of my face, I can assure you, the remains
may inform any they were good. Being so generally noted not only for my
beauty, but my art in _Pandarizing_, a Song was composed on me by some
riming _Doggril_ or other, which I will sing you thus, and so finish the
Story of my former lifes actions,

           1. _At the Sign of the_ Swan
                 _There liveth a man,
           I go not about to deceive you;
               Ten thousand to one,
               If you come, he is gone,
           That his Wife may the better receive you._

           2. _Lovely brown is her hair,
                 Her face comely fair,
           Her waste you may span, ’tis so slender;
               Negro black are eyes,
               Passing white are her thighs,
           All the allurements of_ Venus _attend her._

           3. _Her Twins of delight,
                 (Which are alwayes in sight)
           Her breasts which are whiter than snow,
               By their panting do beat
               An Alarm to the feat,
           To combate her Lovers below._

           4. _With her smiles she invites
                 To taste her delights;
           Which I would, if I durst so presume;
               But I fear she hath fires
               Which will quench my desires,
           But my body to ashes consume._

           5. _She’s an excellent_ Pimp,
                 _The_ Devils _best_ Imp;
           _She’s a_ Bawd, _she’s a whore, that’s too common
               If you intend for to fly
               Hells flames, come not nigh;
           She’s a thing, that is worse than a_ Woman.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. VI.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _goes with her new Acquaintance, who perswades her to
  accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, as
  soon as born. A character of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous
  practices: the manner of her being rob’d by one of her Gallants; he is
  apprehended and executed. Mrs._ Dorothy _is delivered of a Boy, who is
  made Heir to a great Estate, and she highly rewarded for her consent._


The Old Woman having thus finisht her Story, she addrest her self to me,
saying, Dear Heart, you see how free I have been with you, not
concealing from your knowledg any one remarkable passage of my life,
though never so infamous or scandalous. I, and though our acquaintance
is very young, yet put your confidence in me, and question not, but that
I shall so assist you in the management of your concerns, that you shall
have cause to thank me as long as you live. Hereupon she acquainted me,
that there was a Gentleman (not far off) well known to her, that had
been married a dozen years and upwards to a very beautiful, and well
proportion’d Gentlewoman; yet had no issue by her; that for want of an
Heir, the Estate after his decease would fall to the younger Brother;
that it was a very great grief to the Gentleman, but especially to his
Wife; and (said she) this Gentlewoman knowing me to be a person fit to
be advised withal about matters of this nature, often sent for me to her
house, where some years since, I counselled her to make trial, whether
she or Husband was in fault; in order thereunto I have helpt her at
times to the enjoyment of at least a score of several lusty young
Persons. And because I would take the surest way, she never had more
than one at one time, and him neither not above a quarter of a year
together; he then frustrating our expectations, I counsell’d her to make
tryal of another. The first I made choice of for her, was a proper young
flaxen-hair’d man, tall and slender; a delicate young man he was indeed,
whose complexion (being Sanguine) furnished him with more heat than is
in any other temperature; which made his hair like fine threads of Gold,
twirl in rings, or rather you might call them the lines and hooks with
which the little wanton God of love did usually angle for female hearts;
had you seen them, you would have sworn that they were sufficient to
catch the heart of a _Vestal-Maiden_, or the most resolved _Votaress to
Chastity_, that ever had a being. His eyes, quick and nimble, and
penetrateing; he had a strong fancy, a quick invention, and a most
incomparable utterance; and his carriage and deportment was incredible
winning; whose single touch of the hand was sufficient to have thaw’d
the most congealed-frozen temper in the world into affection.
Notwithstanding all these allurements, and feir promising properties
with near upon an half years mutual converse with each other, she found
her expectations frustrated.

Being resolved to make further tryal (for she would not be convinc’d
that she was either defective or barren,) she consulted me, how she
might be rid of this her amorous Hot-spur, and have some other in his
place, of a different constitution; alleadging that she being of the
same complexion, she verily believed her impregnancy proceeded thence;
saying further, that she had heard several, as Well Physitions as others
strongly affirm, that the grand reason, why several Women have no
children, was the too near affinity of their husbands complexion and
constitution to their own; and that on the other side, none more
infallible enjoy’d the fruits of their labours, the offspring of their
bodies, than such, whose corporal temperaments were dissimilar or
different.

Understanding her humour, I was resolved to comply with her in
whatsoever she desired (being so profitable a friend to me) but I knew
not how to displace her Sanguine complexion’d Gallant, who grew by this
time a most passionate Lover; at length I bethought me to perswade him
to sollicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that she was
ardently in love with him, and that she had a good Sum by her, which
would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamester
greedily swallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations;
having won her (for I know not who could withstand him) he came to me,
and informed me of the time, and place, that he should commence those
delights they intended to continue as long as life lasted; being joyful
of this opportunity, I presently addrest my self to my Mistris, giving
an account to her of her friends new courtship, and when it should be
consumated; advising her to watch them, and catch them in the act, by
which means she should be freed from his future addresses, and likewise
confirm her Maids secresie and fidelity to her. All which she performed,
by threatning her Maid to turn her away, and shame her to boot, if ever
she associated her self, or entertained him again in her house; and
calling him false, faithless man, and I know not what, banisht him for
ever from her presence for his unconstancy.

The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a colour as contrary to
the former, as light is to darkness, being swarthy; whose hair was as
black as a sloe; middle statur’d, well set, both strong and active, a
man so universally tryed, and so fruitfully succesful, that there was
hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger,
but he was more than suspected to be Father of all the legitimate. Yet
this too, proved an ineffectual Operator. She now began to suspect
herself of barrenness; but being prompted with hopes, and strangely
induced by the sense of pleasure which she reapt in the variety of her
amorous Confidents, she resolved on a third, a Gentle-man of her own
election, who having been a considerable time a Student in the Inns of
Court, was returned into the Country, to enjoy that plentiful estate his
lately deceas’d father had left him, the antient Seat of his Ancestors;
of stature so low, that he could but just take the upper-hand of a
dwarf, being only elevated by the pole above him. She was fain at first
to Court him, instead of his courting her: and indeed, I could not see
how he could presume (without her encouragement) to caress a Gyantess,
so much taller than himself.

There was not so great a disproportion in their bodies, as there were
conformity and agreeableness in their wills; and that the Soul of his
which was coopt up, and confined within too narrow limits, became more
active and vigorous; so that attacking her with a lively and sprightful
courage possessed himself of the garrison without a tedious siege of a
12 months courtship, his hair was of a darkish brown, or chest-nut
colour, not handsome enough to be a woman, yet too fair to be a man.
Though he was not tall, yet nature exprest no irregularity in his
formation: being symmetrical, or proportionably composed from the lines
of his face you might have collected Capital Letters enough to have
spelt a Gentleman; and not an action, or expression of his (excepting
this of his too intimate familiarity with another mans wife) which did
not largely declare the immensity of his Soul, and the virtues that
thereunto belonged.

So dearly she loved him, (that notwithstanding he did not answer her
expeditions in making her Belly swell) she so doted on his Company, and
converse, that she gave her husband too many palpable causes to suspect
her honesty, and integrity towards him. Not, but that for the sake of an
Heir, (which he question’d whether he should ever get himself) he would
be content to wink (as he hath done several times) at the freedome his
wife hath taken with several others besides himself. But looking on my
little dapper squire to be to little for that purpose, and that would
come short home, as to that business, took an occasion to affront him,
that it might produce a quarrel, that should eloign him from his house,
and further intimacy with his wife. However, though he had low and
undervaluing thoughts of this Gentleman, by reason of his stature, yet
he found him in field, full as tall as himself in true valour, being (as
we say) mettle to the back. It was the hap of this Gentleman to be
desperately wounded by the lesser, and so dangerously, that it was
supposed his wounds would end all the future differences between them;
however recovering this Combate separated them eternally.

My Mistris was so well acquainted with the loss of her Gallants, that
she was not much troubled to be deprived of the society of this last;
but all her trouble was, to get another in his room. Shee applyed her
self to me again, her undeceiving Oracle, and received her accustomed
comfort, that in a little time I would procure her another, that should
out-throw the rest, at least a Barrs length; I was not long in the
procuration; for there was a Gentleman that frequented our House, who
spent his money very freely, yet had not a foot of land, neither had he
any trade, or tools, but the high way, sword and pistol to bring him in
a lively hood. He was a lusty well set man, and red-hair’d; a complexion
that hath often gone through-stich. I had often tryed him my self, and
therefore I could the better recommend him to a friend. One day (his
stock being low, and he at that time in our house) he desired me to lend
him half a peice. I being glad of this opportunity, told him I would,
and withall desired to confer with him in private; he joyfully accepted
my motion, thinking I had some secret design to take my accustomed use
for the loan; but he was strangly surprized, and even distracted with
excessive joy, when he heard me tell him, what a Mistris I had provided
for him; that he should have his belly full of sporting, & be liberally
paid for it too. We appointed the day when I should introduce him into
his new Mistriss’s acquaintance, but with this condition, that I should
share with him in his gettings. It was concluded on, and he possest of
his Treasure, to the full content of them both. My House was now his
constant receptacle, or dormitory, but when he was in the embraces of
his mistress; and he was very honest in giving me my share, my half
part, and commonly spent the rest (to my advantage) of what he had
received; and to the intent the more might come into my pocket, I
advised her by all means not to starve his service, but incourage him
often with sums of money; urging moreover, that the poor Gentleman could
not but be at great charges in maintaining himself in a strange place,
exiling himself freely from his own habitation, to be near at her
Command; beside the great expence he is daily at in costly broths,
jellies, with other provocatives, or restorers of decai’d nature.

I needed not to have tempted her to liberality, she being naturally
prone thereunto; always extravagantly rewarding kindnesses of this
nature. She began now to grow very pensive, and unusually melancholy, to
see all her swelling hopes thus dasht; and was not so sociable as she
used to be with her friend; which gave him some cause to suspect her
inconstancie, or that she would speedily desert him, and accept some
other; which put him on the contrivance to save something, that might be
a support to him, if his sallary should fail, or at leastwise keep him
alive, till his Country-Contributions, or padding incomes should supply
his profuse, and unnecessary expences.

When ever he came, she entertain’d him with such an undeserved
franckness, that she concealed nothing from him, that might either
please his fancie, or satisfie his curiosity. Understanding she was
admirable at her Needle, he desired her to shew him some pieces of her
art, that he might by the applauding of the one admire the other. She
readily condescended to what he propounded; being glad he had demanded a
thing which came within the verge of her power to please him withal.
Opening a large Cypress-Chest, she shew’d him great variety of excellent
pieces of her own hand-working; and withal he discovered several bags
cramm’d with other pieces, which he had a greater minde to handle; which
I conceiv’d she shew’d him out of meer ostentation, telling him withal,
that as long as one penny was in them his pockets should not be
unfurnisht with money; and that when all those bags were emptied, her
Husbands annual estate would quickly fill them again, and six times as
many.

This assurance of having his constant stipend continued, prevailed not
in the least on this Caret-pated villains ingrateful designs; but he
resolved, with the first opportunity, to make himself Master of those
sums, although he knew he must unavoydably lose his Mistress thereby;
the next morning she sent for him, to acquaint him, that her Husband was
gone some twenty miles off, and that he would not return in five days,
having 300 _lib._ to receive of such a man, naming the place where he
lived. This damn’d Dog, hearing this, caper’d for joy, which the poor
Innocent believed, proceeded from his thinking what a long time he had
to enjoy his Mistress uncontroulably: whereas it was otherwise, for now
he knew how to kill two Birds with one stone.

However, that she might not mistrust him as guilty of any treachery, he
behaved himself so pleasantly and his Caresses were so agreeable, that
his Mistress esteem’d her self the happiest woman in the world, in the
enjoyment of the person of so facetious, and most accomplisht Lover;
nay, so fond she was of his company, that she was resolved to make the
most of him in her husbands absence; and therefore caused him to lie in
the house, not induring him out of her sight, till the day before her
husbands returne; at which time he walkt out: what feastings, junketings
and jollitings together there were in that time, none are better able to
conceive than such who, with their large purses, have inlarged hearts,
caring not how dear the purchase is, so that the pleasure be great,
though not of two minutes lasting. You must understand, that I went
snips with him in these delights, as well as in his profits; I had a
liquorish tooth still in my head, and therefore would not be out of
call, to participate with them in their Viands, and Banquetings; Indeed,
I was ever an excellent smell feast.

The day (wherein he went abroad, as I told you) was the cursed time in
which he procured assistants, to carry on his hellish plot, which had
like to have proved my utter ruine. It seems he appointed them about
four of the clock in the evening to come to the Gentlewomans house,
where (as before) we were all making merry; and knowing the strength of
the house, there being never a man at home, the Groom being gone with
his Master, and only a foot-boy left, he appointed only two that should
manage the design beside himself; who knocking at the gate, and the
foot-boy opening it to them, they instantly seiz’d him, both binding,
and gagging him. Having bolted the Gate, they advanced into the house,
and seemingly very peaceful, they mounted the stairs, having secured
those who were below in the same manner, as they had done the boy; as
soon I saw two men now entring the Chamber, where we were, I then
concluded that we were betrai’d, and that the principal Traytor was our
supposed friend; I hereupon opened as wide as my jaws would give me
leave; which one of the rogues perceiving, clapt a gag within my mouth,
and so kept them at that gaping distance, the Rogues might have had some
consideration before they had served me thus, as knowing I had few teeth
to barricadoe my gums from the injury they might receive from that
confounded instrument which stretcht my mouth asunder.

The good Gentlewoman, seeing how barbarously they handled me, did not
question they would exercise the like cruelty next on her; to prevent
which, she fell on her knees, beseeching them not to abuse her, and
throwing them the keyes of what they lookt for, bid they take what they
pleased. Her accursed Villain had the impudence to view the tears run
down her lovely cheeks, without the least remorse, or pity on a soul so
dearly loved him, he only raised her with his hands, assuring her, she
should receive no other injurie than the loss of what money she shewed
him, and his eternal happiness; for I know Madam (said he) how insatiate
you are, how variable, how changeable upon the slightest occasion; I am
not insensible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me
that imforced him;) and how many more you intend, may be sufficiently
drawn from your unsatisfied humour, and inconstant nature. And now if
you love your life, stir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity,
that we have not secured you other-wayes. Taking up the money, every one
carrying a part; hold (said one) we have forgot something yet, that
Ladies hands must be tyed, least she ungag that serious and now silent
Matron there: her hands and legs must be tyed too, lest she talk or walk
to fright us. Having so done, come now let us go (said the Red headed
Traytor) it is high time, lest that old witch swallow on of us; don’t
you see how she gapes? God b’you (good Madam) you are bound to be
constant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for
your procuration money, and so away they went; in less than half an hour
the Gentlewoman had with her teeth set her hands at liberty, which soon
gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and discending the stairs, we
found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg’d; having loos’d them she
whisper’d her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a
Constable, which he did in an instant; and whilst I was condoleing my
Friends loss, and misfortune, I was apprehended by her command, and
conveyed to Goal, there to bewail my own too rigid fate.

I cannot much blame her suspition of me, since there were arguments too
many, and strong enough to perswade her I could not be innocent, and
therefore what ever I alledged in my justification stood for a Cypher. I
sent for my husband, with many other friends, but none of them could
prevail with her from sending me to Prison; seeing there was no remedy,
I was resolved to endure my confinement as patiently as I could.

These three rogues had their horses not far off, ready sadled, which
they mounting, rode directly in that road where they were sure to meet
their prize; and as the Devil would have it, they waited not two hours,
before they could perceive two riding directly towards them, and soon
after could discern them to be the Gentleman and his groom; the first of
an undaunted resolution, but weakly, by reason of a Chronical distemper,
that had a long time afflicted him; his man, by his bulk, shape and
looks, appeared like one that could teach a _Guy of Warwick_ to fight,
and give a president of such a valour, as only became a _Royal Champion_
to own. The Gentleman was first commanded to stand and deliver, which he
did, but it was a Pistol, which he discharged without any execution;
they fired at him again; and wounding him in the sword arm, he dropt his
sword, and whilst he was submitting to their disposal, his man sets
spurs to his horse, and most valiantly ran for it; getting to the top of
a little hill, not far distant, where turning his horse head, most
manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whilest the Thieves
robb’d his Master.

The gentleman seeing himself thus deserted by this lubberly-cowardly Hog
driver was ready to burst with anger; but knew not how to come at him to
be revenged; and therefore begg’d the robbers, in lieu of what money
they had taken from him, to do him the kindness, to baste his man
soundly that stood on yonder hill, as a meer looker on. I, _I_, said the
one, _I_ will give you that satisfaction presently my self alone, and so
setting spurs to his horse, rode up to him, and complemented him no
otherwise at first, than with the flat of his sword, which
notwithstanding made his sides and shoulders smart to some purpose; this
great looby took all this with incredible patience; but the Pad by
chance cutting him; nay, now said he, flesh and blood is not longer able
to endure; and with that drew a broad two egg’d Scotch-sword, and
handled it so well, that he cut this fellow off his horse presently; the
other two seeing their fellow over-matcht, advanced with all speed, and
both assaulted him at once: but he seeing them approach, and being now
blooded, made ready to receive them by drawing a Pistol, which he fired
so luckily, that the shot deprived him of one of his enemies more, and
he had now no inequality of number to oppose him. Success had so flesht
him, that he fought more like a Devil, than a man, laying about him
backwards, and forwards; so that he disinabled the third, which was the
first Plotter. Had his Master been able to fight, and there had been as
many more against him, he so behaved himself, that there was no work for
any to do but himself. Thus did this one man, who had never fought
before (and therefore like an horse, knew not his own strength till it
was tryed) conquer three, that were accounted Cocks of the _Hectors_.

The Gentlemen searching their Portmancicks, and finding 400 _lib._ was
amazed at so considerable a purchase; and securing it, with this
surviving Rogue, and their Horses, rode directly to the next Justice;
where leaving the Booty in his hands for the present, the Prisoner had
his _mittimus_ drawn up, and was sent to the same Gaol his Landlady, the
Hostess was in. Notwithstanding all those disguizes he made use of to
seem another man, he was known by me, and received from me a whole broad
side of just reproaches; which had like to have sunk him deeper, than
the pressures of his present misfortunes could do. What (said I) did you
not live too much at your ease? had you not but too much plenty, which
took you off those desperate courses, or might have done, which would
without doubt have brought you to the Gallowes in the end; but having so
little regard to your own wellfare, I could not expect much from you as
to mine; though gratitude might have commanded you to have studyed my
preservation, although you should hourly hazard your own. Instead of
applying smooth, and soothing answers (which might have been as
Cordials, or Balsom to my wounded mind) he gave me this corrasive, this
Choak-pear, that if I would not hold my clack, which dinn’d his ears
worse than the Catarachts of _Nile_, he would declare before the Bench,
upon his tryal, that he would never have done so foul a fact, but by my
instigation; and that if I held not my tongue, he assured me, that
(since he knew that it was impossible for him to escape with life) he
loved me so well, that I should dye with him, to bear him company in the
other world.

Perceiving what his desperate resolution was, I thought good to alter
the Scene of my chat, and beg him to be patient; assuring him, that what
I had said was not out of any ill will, but to make him sensible how
much I was his friend at all times; and that my own imprisonment (for
his sake) troubled me not so much, as the danger that he was in; and
that he might accuse me, if he pleased, and so endanger my suffering
with him; but I charged, withall, his Conscience with my innocencie in,
and ignorance of what he and his accomplices had acted, contrary to my
privity. It was some comfort to hear him then acknowledge before a great
many witnesses, that I was no way accessary to his guilt; and when the
Assizes came, he acknowledged upon his Arraignment, that none abetted,
or were concerned in what he had done, and there stood arraigned for,
but himself and two others, which were slain in the contest. Whereupon I
was discharged by Proclamation of Court, none coming in against me; and
he received sentence of death, which was accordingly executed three
dayes afterward; he then again at the Gallows declaring to the
spectators my innocencie in his robbery.

This Confession of his, I thought, would as well reintroduce me into the
favour of the abused Gentlewoman, my former friend, as by his suffering
death give full satisfaction to her inraged revenge. In order thereunto,
after my Gaol delivery, I sent her several Letters to pacifie her
passion, and imployed several friends to acquaint her with the reallity
of my former fidelity, and present integrity: at length they so far
mediated with her in my behalf, that she sent for me (when her Husband
was abroad) and in the walks of her Garden, discourst me largely, as to
whatever had past between us, or anybody else by my means. And now, said
she, this last unhappy and unexpected villany from a friend you procured
me, and one I dearly loved, hath tyed up my hands from ever enjoying the
like opportunities again. For my Husband finding that the purchase he
took from the Thieves was but a Pig of his own Sow, his own money, and
knowing the principal Robber to be the Person I often treated at our
house with much civility, shrewdly suspects, that I not only consented
to the Robbery, but would be easily induced to believe to his death too,
were it not for the great loss he knows I should receive by his death if
he should dye without issue. However he is much more cautious of me than
he used to be, taking his money into his own custody, and he sets a
watch over me to observe what company I keep abroad, or entertain in our
house: and therefore, if ever you intend to redeem your former credit
and estimation with me, study some project how I may carry on the design
afore propounded, of having an Heir, that the Estate may not pass to the
next Brother. A man I cannot but hate, for several weighty
considerations. The crookedness of his disposition, and the
unsuitableness of his humour to mine, were sufficient to make me not
love him; but his insufferable wicked practises, both against me, and my
Husband, make me absolutely detest the very sight of him. When I was
first married (quoth she) I thought my self as capable of conception as
any she that ever wore a head; & my husband being then healthful, &
actively vigorous, soon confirming me, in the opinion of being a teeming
woman: It seems I was with child, though I knew it not; and finding a
great change and alteration in my body, I was so ignorant, as to believe
I was breeding some ill humours, which, if not timely purged away, might
ingender a disease that might prove my death. My Husbands Brother (which
was wiser than my self in that point) knew very well I was breeding
young bones, the growth of which would infallibly lift him out of all
his flourishing hopes of enjoying his Brothers Estate; therefore out of
a seeming tenderness, and vigilant care of the presevation of my health,
followed my own perswations, with his damn’d advice; and at the end I
was induc’d to take a vomit to clear my stomack, he telling me, for
certain, it might be very foul, since I was so frequently troubled with
puking in the morning, and vomiting after Dinner. An Apothecary of his
own procuring (with his Devilish instructions) made up the Composition,
which, without imagining the least harm, I easily swallowed, which
wrought with me so strongly, that, having nothing left within my stomack
for it to work on, I thought it would have brought up my very heart
within its appurtenances; the Devil of a Physitian all this while seemed
to comfort me, by saying, be cheerful, Sister; this will clear you (and
so it did of what it should not) and clense you of those malignant
humours which so much prejudiced your healthful constitution; and that
he might make sure work of me, counselled me to take a purge, and that
would carry all downwards, and then my business was done; I poor easie
fool, was quickly drawn to it, and the second time swallowed that, which
the next day made what I went withal prove abortive.

I had often seen, but more especially heard, that this Doctor was no
sooner gone from his Patient, but he was immediatly in the Company of my
brother, which made me, with a great deal of good reason, conjecture,
they plotted no good together; wherefore I got two Doctors more to visit
my Husband, who plainly told me, at the first sight (both agreeing in
one opinion) that he was poysoned. Hearing them say so, I could not
forbear; but, in the agony of my Spirit, cryed out, I know the
Murderers; and their lives shall here, for the loss of his, make
satisfaction in part, and in full, by their damnation hereafter. They
desired me to be patient, assuring me that they would use their utmost
skill to over-power the poyson; and doubtlessly he had dyed, had not
these two eminent Artists bestirred themselves to purpose. In a little
time they raised him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake
himself to his, having not been heard of by us since;) but they could
not assure me how long it would be ere he would be down again; for (said
they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.

If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not justly grounded, do you
judge; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out
some way to disposses him of his hopes, in having the Estate, who rob’d
me of my fruitfulness, and would have deprived my Husband of his life.

Madam (said I) there is just now a plot come into my head; which if you
please, shall be put in practice, and that is this. Since your Husband
is thus infirm, and you barren, this must be the only way, which must
crown your desires. I will immediately go upon the search for some young
thing with Child, whether she be Wife, nor neither Maid, Wife, nor
Widdow, it matters not; whom with large gifts, and larger promises, I
will perswade to part with her Child, when born, and you shall lye in
with it; let me alone to the management of all; but first, let me find
out a Person suitable to our purpose, and I will warrant you to carry on
the rest to your full satisfaction. I will instantly for _London_ where
I cannot miss of Subjects enough of this sort, out of which I may pick
and choose. She liked this proposal so well, that she would not suffer
me to stay a minute longer with her, but that I should instantly leave
her, and make my self ready for my Journey; and thus far have I
travelled in order to the finishing thereof, when I met with so blessed
an opportunity, of falling into discourse with you, Dearest Madam, which
I hope will tend to both our happinesses, if you will be ruled by me.

Thus, said Mrs. _Dorothy_, I heard the whole relation of her self, and
others, with great attention: and thought it was now my Cue to speak,
which I did in this manner, not only cautelously, but with much seeming
reservedness. Mother (for so, by the disparity of our Age, I make bold
to call you) the account you give of your self is so monstrously wicked
that I know not whether, with safety, I may interchange any further
discourse with you; neither can I but take notice of your subtility, and
matchless craftiness, as well as your unparallel’d debauchery, and
wantonness; you may very well excuse me, if now I stand on my guard, and
wearily entertain a parley with you; since you are known to be an old
Souldier in the Wars of _Venus_, and so may fight too cunningly for me,
that am but a stripling upon any such account. However make your
proposals (and if I may be assured you pump me not to intrap me) as I
find them faisable, and profitable for the future, I shall accept them,
and be ready to be servicable to you, and your design.

The good old Gentlewoman, as one transported, by hugging me in her Arms,
interrupted me, saying; Daughter, mistrust me not in this affair, and
try whether I will not in a little time make you as happy as your own
wishes can make you; and thereupon asked me how long I had been with
Child, and whether I could be content, that, by anothers owning it, the
Child hereafter might be owner of an Estate (it seems born to) the tenth
part whereof none of my Ancestors ever yet enjoyed.

It is confest, said I, my own weakness, and Female frailty betraid me to
unlawful embraces of a handsom young man, whose subtle sollicitations
could not be withstood by a Nun, much less by me; and yielding, I now
carry both the Sin and the shame of those stolen delights about me,
where ever I go. That though it was my ill Fortune thus to lose (by one
throw at play, inconsiderately) a thing of that value, my Maiden head I
mean, yet it was some comfort to me, that it was a Gentleman of no mean
worth that won it; and I question’d not but the off-spring would be like
the Father, as well in the comely proportion of the Body, as Gallantry
of Mind; being thus fully perswaded it will prove so goodly a Person, it
will the more trouble me to part with it to another; that if I should do
any such thing it is not for necessity; for, as I had money considerable
of my own, before my deluding Lover came acquainted with me; yet, to
compensate that single kindness, he hath so showred his Gold and Silver
on me since, that my Wealth may procure a Match considerable enough,
though my face carryed in it no other invitation. Come, come, Daughter
(said the Old Woman) Something hath some savour: and although you have
enough, yet more will do no harm; besides your Child will be well look’d
after, well provided for (which you may see when you please) and you rid
of that incumbrance, will be in a better condition for any one to
sollicite you in Marriage. Being thus convinc’d by the subtle Arguments
of this cunning Matron, I condescended to whatever she would have me to
do; and so without further delay, the next morning we rode together to
the House of this old Gentlewoman; where alighting, she had no sooner
provided a necessary Room for me, and given order for my Supper, which
was extraordinary, but her impatience immediately hurried her to the
Gentlewoman, her Friend; and being out of breath, told her, as well as
she could, that she had effected the business beyond expectation; but
because she would not leave me too long, begg’d her excuse, promising
the next morning a full account of all her proceedings. That night was
spent in all the jollity imaginable; Fowles of all sorts, and the
choicest of the season were provided; Wine flowed so plentifully through
every room of the House, that I wonder it did not reel into the streets.
I am sure the servants would, had not a noise of Musick held them by the
ears, whil’st their Legs caper’d like a pair of Drum-sticks. Although
they took but little repose that night, yet my Hostess got up early to
wait on her Correspondent, who had not slept that night, for the eager
expectation to hear how her desires were accomplisht.

But overjoyed she was, when she saw the old Woman approach, who taking
her aside in one of the walks of the garden, askt her how she had sped,
and in what manner. The old woman (as much transported with joy as she)
have patience, and I will tell you, said she; In my way to _London_, I
met with several that had nibled on the bait of concupisence; but they
were such flounder-mouth’d, draggle-tail’d, dirty Pusses, that I would
not venture upon any of them; but at length comming to an Inn on the
road, I accidentally fell into the Company of a Gentlewoman (which is
this that I have now brought with me, to be serviceable to you) who by
her deportment informed me, that she was not meanly extracted; and by
those wanton torches in her face, which Nature had drawn to allure, and
captivate hearts, I guest she was not unacquainted with the Masculine
gender; and as I imagined, so it proved; for I have so rigled my self by
discourse into her concerns, that I soon made her unravel the bottom of
her secrets. To be short, I found her every way fit for our purpose, and
by an extraordinary device, I have made her ours; and that you may
satisfie your self farther, I will bring her to the Park, a mile from
your house, where I shall desire you to meet us in the afternoon.
Hereupon she departed, and acquainted me how she had opened the way to
consummate what we had agreed on; and so having dined, we went to the
place appointed, where the Gentlewoman was already come to meet us.

The Gentlewoman seeing us at a distance, made up to us, but was
strangely astonisht when she saw a person so unexpectedly handsome, and
in a Garb which as much exceeded that which she wore, as the face she
saw excelled most others that she had seen before; and therefore thought
it requisite to make her address, as to a person of no mean Quality; yet
thinking again, should she do so, I might think she mockt me; (for had I
been nobly born and bred, I would never have condescended so low, as to
prostitute my body to the unlawful embraces of some hot-blooded Gallant,
and afterwards mercenarily expose the Infant to the disposal of a meer
stranger;) therefore familiarly thus she spake; Sweet-heart, Though I
never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am
much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly
abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot
be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this
manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a
friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private; and when you
have a mind to take the air, and enjoy your self, you shall not want a
Coach to carry you whither you list, so it be far enough off: your
provision at home, with all things necessary, and your expences abroad,
shall be at my charge; all that I shall require of you is, that when you
cry out in labour, your Childe may be at the dispose of your Landlady,
whom I constitute your Guardian. If in the interim you want any thing,
let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as
freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are
discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a
good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not
come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self
this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my
Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand
full of _Jacobusses_, as the earnest of a better penny.

I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my
lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction,
with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to
attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my
life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time
away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others
invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the
afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards; how to
make our pleasure more poyant by their diversity, and variety; but the
greatest difficulty lay in our cunning projections of going abroad,
which we knew we must carry with a world of secrecie, or spoil all
whatever we intended to do.

In the mean time, the Gentle-woman (understanding my true reckoning,
which was three moneths gone with Child) calculated her time
accordingly, and gave out, she was with Child: every one admired at the
news, having not had any in so long a time of marriage, and knew not
whether they had best give credit to the report; her Husband would not
be induced to believe it by any means, looking upon it as incredible,
nay, almost impossible; but that which most of all favoured what she
would have credited was her being troubled at that instant, with some
hydropical humours, which had so swelled her belly, that she had much
adoe from perswading her self, that she was really with Child. Her
Husband perceiving this, from an Unbeliever became a Convert, and by his
belief wrought all the Neighbourhood into the like perswation: but that
which knockt the nail on the head, was the opinion of the Midwife (a
Creature of the Gentlewomans, made absolute to her devotion by gifts,
and promise of future rewards) which proclaimed it every where as a
wonder, that one after so many years, having never born a Child, should
now at last conceive. Neither was the kind, and over-indulgent Husband,
backward in spreading ostentatiously, his glory, that he should at last
be called Father, when all the glimmerings of those hopes were quite
extinguisht. His joy made him so rash and inconsiderate, that he bespoke
Gossips, and concluded upon a name for it, though he knew not whether it
would be born alive, male or female. On the other side, the seemingly
over-joyed woman provided clouts for the bantling, and all other things
necessary, which an over-busie Lullaby could invent. So many wet Nurses
were sent for, that they came tumbling to the house by dozens; and so
many faults were found with them, that they Troopt off again as fast;
one was dislik’d for her Hair, it being of a red colour, and therefore
her milk was lookt upon as too hot, rank, and venemous; every one giving
in their Verdict, that she should not be wholesome, since the _Turks_
were accustomed to make the rankest poyson of the flesh of slaves that
were red-hair’d. Another was too tall, and therefore slothfull, and
unactive, being not talkative enough; a third not clear skinn’d, nor
well featur’d, having a cast with the eye, which might be the ill
pattern of directing the Childs eyes amiss: a 4th. had a too indulgent
husband, whom they feared one time or other might curdle the Child’s
milk, and so endanger its health: a fifth had had formerly sore Breasts,
and they doubted from thence the Milky-way might be polluted: a sixth
was too melancholly enclin’d, which they judged would not only prejudice
her suck, but deprive her of the talking qualifications of most Nurses,
who look upon the impertinent nonsensical tittle-tattle to their
Children, to be the basis of all their future learning. With much adoe,
they at length pitch upon a lovely brown woman, full grown, well
featur’d, quick sighted, clear skinned, middle statur’d, with breasts
little and round, her blood cirkling them in the pleasant blew
_Meanders_ of her veins. Now lest they should loose her, if she went out
of their sight, she was hired, and entertained into the house
immediatly, although her Mistriss had five moneths to go of her supposed
time.

Though her Husband was extasied with joy, his Brother was moved by a
contrary passion, his folly making him shew it, in so unseemly a way,
that every one now concluded him that, which they only surmized before,
a villain, that had both studied and practised the ruin of his nearest
relations; & he was often accused & upbraided for so doing, that he was
forc’d to leave the Town, and since is gone to a Cozen of his living in
_Barmudus_.

My time began now to draw nigh, being groan so bigg I could not with
convenience stir abroad, and too restless to stay at home. As I felt any
pain, I caused my Mistriss to be acquainted therewith, that she might be
so too; if I felt my self much disordered, I sent away her confident
presently to allarm her; who acted her part as artificially, as I did it
really. These out-cries of hers made the whole Garrison continually
stand to their arms; there being about her continually the Midwife,
Wet-Nurse, Dry Nurse, with many Neighbouring assistants: the Maids below
ready at command, and a _Man Midwife_, if need should require with so
many instruments ready fixt, as would with the very Iron set up a
Black-smith: and all for the strangeness of shape, surpassing any rarity
in _Tredescants_ Collection.

After so many false allarms, a true one came at last, carried by our
Confident aforesaid, with my Child in her lap; whose very appearance was
watch-word enough for the Gentlewoman to express the pangs of
Child-birth, which she did then in a more violent manner than before,
imagining something more than ordinary: she approaching the bed askt her
lowdly how she did, and how she felt her self, and at that very instant
clapt the Child into Bed to her; who immediately skreeking out, the
Midwife ran to her, where seeming to be busied about her a while, at
length takes the Child from her, and doing with it, and her, as is
usual; the news of this her happy delivery was conveyed to the Husband,
who was near at hand, attending, and with tears lamenting the sad pain
his poor wife underwent for him; but the joyful tydings of having a Son
born, wip’d away all those tears, and so animated his feeble Carkass,
that he would have entred the Room, before it was either Civil, or
Convenient, had he not been stopt by meer force. I shall not trouble you
by relating what an Universal rejoyceing there was through the whole
house, but only inform you, that before the expiration of a moneth the
Child was Christened, being as lovely a Child as could be born of a
Woman, not any limb or part of his body, which did not promise to exceed
his true Father in every thing. The Gentlewoman being up, as soon as she
understood I was well and fully recovered, appear’d abroad in publick,
whose happy delivery was by all congratulated. And to gratifie me, she
sent me an hundred pieces of old Gold, desiring me to remove my
Quarters, and to engage my tongue eternally to conceal the secret.

I now thought it high time to send to my two Gallants, who were obliged
to me in bonds, the one to pay me fourty pound, and the other fifty,
upon my delivery; they being both assured of the truth thereof, delayed
me not, but sent me my moneys by the first conveniency, which added to
my late purchase; and what money I had before, made up to weighty a
portion, for so light an Houswife as my self.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                CHAP. V.

_Mrs_ Dorothy _relates several passages in the Inn: as, how the Host
  drew Guests to his House, and then cheated them: the Boy by his
  Example, attempts to cheat, but is taken in the manner; is beaten by
  his Mistris, but is revenged of her and his Master; is turned over to
  be corrected by the Under Hostle, but is wittily, and pleasantly
  revenged on him._


I was now (continued Mrs _Dorothy_) rid of my great Belly, and instead
of that, had a great Bag of money; and my Child being thus provided for,
as I have told you, I retired from the place where I had lain in
private, now to appear in publick at the House of my very good friend,
the old _Crony_; part of whose Adventures I have already related to you:
and since you have not thought me tedious in the discourse I have
already made you, I shall give you an account of some such Transactions
in her House, during my stay there, which, I believe, will be no less
pleasant than what you have already heard: and then having made a short
pause, we thuss proceeded.

[Illustration]

The whole Family, consisting of her self, her Husband, a Son of about
twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen, a Chamberlain, a
Tapster or Winer, an Hostler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three
boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavish
enough, all guilty of such unparallel’d Knaveries as I have rarely heard
of; and knowing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another,
striving and contending which should exceed in Roguery, and so sly and
cunningly they carried it, that ’twas difficult to discover them,
especially when they all joyned together to cheat or abuse any body; but
when they fell out among themselves, they made excellent sport in acting
the revenges they took upon one another. My Landlord loved his pleasure
and profit so equally, that he made it his business to contrive how to
joyn them together; and although he commonly had the best Custom of any
house in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in
more; among other wayes, he used this for one. He would take his Horse
in an Afternoon, and ride out some ten or twelve miles, and so return
home again; but he seldome came home, but he brought Guests with him,
which he would take up by the way, thus.

If he saw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes,
and fit for his purpose, he would then enquire which way, and how far
they travelled; to this they commonly answered, directly; and if they
were for our Town, then he would joyn with them; and soon after, his
second question would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town,
and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters: If they were
strangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they should
lodge; then he told them, that the best Inn in the Town was his House,
but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Interest in it, but only
that he knew there was a good Hostess, who had a handsome Daughter that
would use them well; and he seldom missed with this Bait to win them to
agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with
him. But if they would not agree upon the place, and he saw there was no
good to be done, then he would pretend some excuse to stay behind them,
& would wait for such company as would at all points be for his turn;
and with them would he enter the House as a Stranger: indeed he would
call the Chamberlain, Hostler, and Tapster, by their Names; but they,
who knew their Duties, would in no case shew any Duty to him. Then would
he, as being acquainted in the House, tell his Fellow Travellers what
provisions there was for Supper, and would be sure to draw them up to
the highest Bill of Fare he could. If the Hostess, or her Daughters
company were desired, he would be the forwardest to call them, and only
treat and converse with them as of some small acquaintance; after
supper, he would endeavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and use
all possible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he saw they were
well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would
pretend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckoning before they went
to bed, that they might not be mis-reckoned, or staid from the pursuit
of their Journey in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and
the Sum total of the reckoning being cast up, he would be the first man
that would, without scruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down
his share, and by his examples, the rest would follow; if any did
question the dearness of the Victuals, or the quantity of the drink, he
would by one means or other take them off, protesting that the Hostess
was too honest to mis-reckon them, and that he had kept a just account
himself, and was well satisfied; or else he should be as cautious from
parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not distrusting
him further, would by his example pay the shot. Thus would he many
times, by his Crown or six shillings share, mis-reckon on them sixteen
or twenty shillings; especially if they came to high drinking: and then
the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife,
and he would lye abed in the morning, and let them march off alone; but
if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of
the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that
sport, and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and
so keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he shifting his
Liquor, and in the end, shifting himself out of their Companies, when he
has seen his Conveniency, leaveing them to pay roundly for their folly.
If they enquired after him, my Hostess would pretend he was a Chance
Guest, as they were, only, she had seen him the last year, or such like;
and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleasure and profit, by
joyning them together; and this course did he frequently use when Guests
came not in of their own accord; so that our house was seldome empty.

As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks,
so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for
there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the
Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings,
and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy,
though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their
tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the
Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out
of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried
bottles of wine to the Guests, & seeing them in a merry vain, he thought
to try his skill at mis-reckoning them; and for six bottles which he
carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and
though there was some questioning of the truth, yet he justified it, and
stood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.

This being his first considerable attempt in this Nature, for he had
gained two shillings for himself, he was resolved to keep the prize for
himself; and therefore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the
rest at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.

But the Company falling into discourse, in short time called for more
wine, and then the Tapster being returned, he officiated in the boyes
place, and turning him into the stable; more wine they had, and staying
longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off
the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the
Tapster, thinking to put his old trick of mis-reckoning in practice,
told them, there were seven bottles to pay; but one of the company who
was more cautious than the rest, had made his observation, and every
bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and so was able to
aver and justify that there was but six; and withal, the rest of the
company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would
pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mis-reckoned one
or two bottles in the last reckoning; the Tapster, although he was
guilty as to himself, yet he did not believe them as to the other
reckoning, because he could not imagine, that the boy would be so bold
as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff’d as high as they in
justification of the boy and himself; and such a noise they made, that
the Hostess went in to know the cause of that clamour: they at first
were so hot on both sides, that they would not hear her speak, neither
did they speak reasonably themselves; but in the end she understood the
matter, that they were wronged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one
by the Tapster; she hearing the matter, did not so much stand to
justifie and vindicate the Tapster, whom she did imagine was guilty, but
as for the boy, she was very confident, that he had not wronged them,
and when the heat of their anger was somewhat over, she examined
particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they said eight:
she who had not so soon forgotten what she had received, averred that
she had but six _shillings_ for wine, and therefore it was a mistake;
they still aledged _eight_, and she _six_, till now nobody could end the
controversie but the boy, who was sought after, and in short time found
in the hayloft asleep, or meditating how he should bestow his purchased
Treasure; but being found, he was without any questions there
immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Mistress, who were to
be judges of this matter of fact. The question was soon stated to him,
and he too well understood the matter, which he stoutly deny’d, but
there was quickly such clear evidence appeared against him, that he was
found guilty; for he not dreaming or mistrusting any such matter, had
not conveyed the money away, so but that the pockets being searched,
there the two _shillings_ were found, to the great shame and confusion
of the small delinquent: this was to the great amazement of the Guests,
his Mistress, and the Tapster; but the money being laid down, and two
bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough
pleased, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the
Tapster had likewise mis-reckoned them; so that he scaped without shame
or punishment, so did not the boy, who was not only ashamed, but was
ordered to be severely punished, and therefore the next morning was
fetched up by the under Hostler, (one who was not so wise as the boy,
though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes, which
gave so great an impression on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was
resolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I shall presently tell you.
This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who
without good looking to would be too wise for them all, for he had
presumed to mis-reckon two _shillings_ in six _shillings_, and put it
all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapster who was a proficient in
cheating, and licensed therein (but with this _proviso_, that half of
what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Mistress) only endeavoured
to mis-reckon one _shilling_ in six; so that, I say, the boy was
narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear,
more than formerly; he who knew he had deserved it, for he was guilty of
many petty waggeries, was forced to bear, but however he made provision
against it, for his Mistress using to pommel him on the shoulders with
her fist, he one time took a paper of pins, sticking them with the
points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Cassock; and his
Mistress striking him, as she was wont to do, did light upon the pins,
pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy
running away, she could not imagine how this was done, for she saw
nothing upon his coat, that should cause it; so the boy getting away,
removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that
time. The Mistress finding she had suffered by striking him on the
shoulders, would come no more there with her bare hands; but used a
cudgel, if it were near her, and if not she would use to slap him on the
mouth with the back of her hand; and one time, he being in the Kitchen,
and she running after him to strike him, he claps a knife, which lay
near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, she not minding that,
but endeavouring and intending to give him a great blow did so, but to
her cost, for she cut her knuckles in such pitious manner, that the
blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but
Chyrurgions work, wherefore one was sent for, and the boy ran away to
his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Mistress took her Chamber, and
towards Evening the Master came home, and bringing with him some Guests,
he soon missed his wife, and thereby knew the occasion of her
retirement, and it was not long ere he saw the boy, the Authour of the
harm; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran hastily after the Boy, who
fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran cross a dunghill in
the yard; the Master being eager to pursue the boy, did not take the
same course the boy had done, who had passed over a board he had laid
there on purpose, but the Master missing of that, went on one side, and
fell into a great filthy hole, which by reason of much wet and rain, was
there slightly covered; and had he not been helped out by the Hostler,
he might have stifled; he having recovered his feet, left the pursuit of
the boy, and was forc’d to be conducted to bed, which was to his great
grief and dammage, for he had spoiled his cloaths, wet himself, and
which was worst of all, he by this means was disappointed of his purpose
in making a prey of his guests he had brought in with him to that
purpose. But the Tapster and others, did their best in that behalf, and
the Boy was again committed to the disciplination of the under Hostler,
who by the command of his Master, almost flead the poor boys buttocks.

The Boy was now revenged of his Master and Mistress, who finding him so
unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy
studdy any revenge upon them; but so often as he saw the under-Hostler,
who had now twice been his tormentor, his blood would boyle at him, and
all his study was to be even with him; and thereupon he watched for all
opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at
the fire to be roasted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the
Jack, which was made to go by a stone weight, which was fastned to
pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the stone weight being on the
out-side of the house, was drawn up two storyes high, to the eves of the
house; the boy observing this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and
seeing his Enemy the under Hostler in the Yard, just by the jack-weight
he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of
the Hostler, just behind, he not perceiving it: when he had thus done,
he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hostler being none
of the wisest, wondered what it was that first of all held him by the
back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late
ere he discovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his
girdle was of strong leather, with a great brass buckle and thong, which
he could not possibly undo; neither durst he attempt it for fear of
falling, and therefore he was in short time drawn up to the top; the boy
not thinking this revenge not enough, seeing no body came, proceeded
further, and taking a parcel of wet horse-litter, and some dry hay, he
placed it just underneath the Hostler, and set fire to it, which made
such a smother and smoke, that the poor Hostler was almost choaked,
wherefore he roared out most hideously; the boy having done all he
intended, said, _Now remember the Cat with nine tayles_, and so ran
away; by this time the Hostler made so much noise, and the jack
together, being forced by weight to go faster than ordinary, that at the
noise all the houshold ran to see what was the matter, when, in short,
there was found the poor Hostler hanging between heaven and earth, and
with coughing and roaring he purged forwards and backwards, but most
backwards; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by pressing and
gripeing his stomach, so that he was in a most lamentable pickle; and so
great was the astonishment of all the beholders, that he was come down
almost to the bottom, ere the smoaking hay was removed, or he relieved;
but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                              CHAP. VIII.

_The Boy learns, and practises Vaulting and tumbling, the maid servant
  attempting to do the like, is intangled, caught in the manner, and
  laughed at: she puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church-Warden, and
  makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lose his dinner; he
  is revenged on her by a Gunpowder plot._


Mrs. _Dorothy_ putting a stop to her discourse, gave us conveniency and
leisure to express our satisfaction by our laughter, in which we
continued for some space, and then rehearsing and commenting on what she
had told us, we again renewed our laughter, she joyning with us in the
same exercise, when we had put a stop to our mirth, she thus continued.

Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little divert you by my relation;
but I see you are pleased much better than I expected, and if you are so
well contented with this which is but a taste of what I can tell you, I
am sure the rest would be much more delightful; but being desirous to
put an end to my discourse, by relating to you such matters as only
concern my self, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excuse. Nay,
replyed I, and Mistress _Mary_, you must not refuse us the request we
both make you, of proceeding in these pleasing Adventures of your
houshold; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here
with us, we are satisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other
satisfaction we desire; and I pray be as full and free in your recital
as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is so
pleasant; she hearing my desires, after few excuses, agreed thereto; and
thereupon she thus reassumed the discourse.

The poor under Hostler being thus descended from his place of Torment,
was almost in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half
hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or sense; for he was
almost suffocated with the smoak that ascended and flew up his nose, and
down his throat; and as Malefactors do (as they say) piss for fear, or
some other cause, so had he done; and not only so, but we could perceive
somewhat else, of a yellowish colour, that had soaked through his
breeches, run down his stockings, so that few would touch him; but at
length, the Hostler, his superiour, considering his condition and former
good service, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the
Stable; where, with the assistance of _Aqua vitæ_, he was soon brought
to his former senses. Our young Rogue in the mean time lying in the
Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans
he heard the poor fellow fetch, were as so many instruments of musick to
raise his laughter to the higher pitch.

This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine
tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole
house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some,
whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his
business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house,
and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the
boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they
made them drink to one another, and become Friends.

The boy being thus freed from punishment, set his wits at work, how he
might employ his time to the best advantage, and be getting of money as
well as the rest of the Family did; and soon after there being a fair at
our Town, among other fooleries that attended it, there were a parcel of
Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers; our boy was Master of so much money, as to
see them two or three times; and having very much affection to that
quality, he purchased acquaintance with such another Crack Rope as
himself, who was a very nimble and active youth at the Art of Vaulting;
him he invites to our house, and treating him with such as the House
afforded, by all means desires his instructions in that nimble mistery;
he soon assented, and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to
learn, soon attains to the knowledg of this mistery, and taking all
opportunities of practising, could soon leap through a hoop, vault over
two or three joynt stools, tumble on the ground in various manners; and
being a pretty proficient, had money several times given him by Guests
that came to our house, for shewing his tricks; by vertue of his money
he would brag and vapour as well as the best in the house; and the rest
of the servants seeing his gain would attempt to do the like, but many
times came off with the breaking of their shins; amongst the rest, the
Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practise some of these
tricks belike, supposing that if he, who was a boy, did get so much
money by them, that then she might gain much more being a maid; and that
she might as well do them as he; the obstacle of Petticoats she removed
by, resolving when she had learned, to have a pair of Breeches and
Doublet for that purpose, and that she questioned not, but to get money
enough, it being a greater Novelty to see a woman in breeches; but
before she purchased them, she resolved to practice in her ordinary
Habit, her Petticoats, and did so when she had convenient time and
place; so that she likewise could perform somwhat in that practice. One
time most of the other servants being abroad, she was sent into the
Cellar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine; she believing it would
be some time ere it were full, by reason it ran only through a small
Cane whilest the Pot was filling, she lies down on her back, and
resolved now to try whether she could put her feet in her neck, in order
to practice some new trick of tumbling; shee soon put one there, and
with some difficulty likewise put the other, when she had so done, she
could not possibly undoe what she had done, her feet were as fast to her
neck, as if they had grown there; and though she tumbled and tossed, yet
it was all to no purpose, for she could not by any means disentangle, or
disengage her self from the posture she was in; she finding her self in
this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the
Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumbling about she had made her
Coats to fly about her ears; at length she resolved to cry out, hoping
her Mistress, or some other of the females of the house might hear her,
and come to her rescue; this resolution she put in execution, and cryed
out amain, help, help; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore
soon heard her voice, but not knowing whose, or what was the matter;
mine Host at length said to the boy, sirrah, run down into Cellar, and
see what is the matter there; the boy did so, and after some little stay
came up again, and cryes out, Oh Heavens! Master, I think our Cook-maid
is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head,
and a great deal of blood about her (which was the spilt Claret) but,
said his Master, are you sure her head was off? yes, yes, said the boy,
come see how it is cut of from the neck; and yet, continued he, I cannot
think she is yet dead, for she moved her hands, and still cryes out, but
her head I cannot find. Mine Host hearing of this strange matter, soon
ran down into the Cellar, which was not so dark, nor he so dim sighted,
but he presently discovered how the matter was. The only thing he did,
was to stop the Wine from running out, by putting the spiggot into the
faucet, and so returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little
mistaken; but such a sight had he seen as was very unusual; and
thereupon desires us to desend into the Cellar, and see what he had
done; no sooner had he said so; but our curiosities likewise induced us
to go down, where in short time we likewise had the satisfaction of
seeing this strange sight: how said I, this is some Monster, and it
would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we
may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, said
mine Hostess, I believe this came from that Exercise.

We thus having spent our Verdicts, helped the wench to disingage her
self, and put her in her wonted natural posture; but when she was so,
she was not come to her self, so much was she spent with strugling, and
her joynts were so out of order, that we were forced to lead her up
stairs, and put her to bed.

She was mightily ashamed at this mischance, so that we could hardly
perswade her to be seen by anybody; but the boy was as well pleased, as
she was troubled; it was honey and nuts to him to tell the guests, how
the Cook-maid could do some feats of activity, as well as he, and then
relate to them, in what posture he found her. Much sport was made upon
this account; and although the Wench was shy at first in being seen, yet
in time she bore it out bravely, when the guests gave her money to talk
with her about this Adventure.

By this means the wench became a great Enemy to the boy, and did him
many shrew’d turns, but durst not meddle with his body politick,
dreading the danger she should run into by the harmes of others who had
been his persecutors; wherefore she was forced to let him alone as to
matter of action, only now and then she would exercise her wit upon him,
in which she seldome came off but with the disadvantage. She was famous
for this her trick of activity, by which she got money, but much more by
another, which she soon after effected, and came more clearly off with
it: It was then in time of rebellion, and all observations of
_Christmas_, _Easter_, _Whitsontide_, or any Holy-days, were by the
Factious accounted superstitious, especially any observation of
_Christmas_; and therefore, the more to cross the desire and humour of
those who would observe the feast of _Christmas_, the men then in power
commanded a strict fast to be on that day kept and observed, with
penalties on all those who should dress any victuals; and althorough the
Town, and especially our house, was of another perswation, yet such was
the prevalency of the Faction, that it, was strictly observed; & it was
given out that the Officers of the Town would search houses, to find and
punish Offenders. Our Cook-maid hearing of this, was resolved to put a
trick upon the Officers; who about the middle of Sermon time came
attended with a Guard, to see and examine our Kitching, where they found
not the Jack a going, yet they found a good fire, and the pot a boyling:
_How now_, said Master Church warden, _How dare you break the Lawes, by
dressing victuals on this day? What have you in the Pot?_ Quoth the
Maid, _Nothing but plumb porridg? How,_ said the Church-warden,
_Superstitious Porridg? this is a very great offence, and deserves as
great punishment, to do thus in contempt of the Laws; I will see your
Master fined for this, and severely punished. Well_, replyed she, _but I
pray, Master_ Church-warden, _be not so angry, but be pacified; which I
know you will be, when you see further what is in the Pot, and with what
the porridge are made; and lest you should mistake I will shew you_;
whereupon she went to the Pot and took out a large pair of Rams-horns,
and said, _Look you_, Master Church-warden, _this is the meat; how like
you it? I hope so well, that you will tast of the broath your self
without scruple of conscience?_ The case was so plain, and
Master-Church-warden was so sensible that he was jeer’d, that he made
all possible haste out of the house, threatning what he would do to the
Wench, who now only laughed at him, as did some of his attendants, who
knew the Church-warden was very sensible of the affront, his wife being
one of those who wore cork-heeld shoes, which made her pass for a light
Huswife, as indeed she was.

This trick which our Maid put upon the Churchwarden, raised a great
noise in the Town and Country, and brought all the Cavileers to our
house, who gave her somewhat to her box, so that she was very happy in
this project, and our Host had very great Custom.

But still the Boy and Wench could not agree to set their horses
together; for his business was to be up in the morning with the first,
and help her make her fire, this he could not indure, for he loved his
bed mightily well, and would rather want his belly full of victuals,
then sleep, he had liberty to lye a bed on a _Sunday_ so long as he
pleased, because then they had few guests; wherefore he would constantly
lye by it, till dinner time, which he knew by the jack going; for so
long as the jack went, so long would he lie by it, but when that was
stopt, he thought it was time, to rise to dinner.

The wench observing that he observed this Custome was resolved to put a
trick on him, and therefore one _Sunday_ though dinner was dressed by
twelve a clock, and eaten by one, yet she let the Jack go on till four a
Clock after-noon, still the boy lay listning to the Jacks going; and
hearing that go still on, gave himself to lazyness, and took many a
sweet turn, which she laughed at heartily; at length she stopt the Jack,
and immediately the boy arose, and came down stairs (for he lay in a
small loft over the Kitchin) to see what was become of the roast; but he
found none in the Kitchin, nor Hall, nor no body in the house but the
wench; who seeing him search about for his Dinner, and asking her
questions about the affairs of the belly, she could not answer him for
laughing; but soon after the family returning from Church, he discovered
his own mistake, and her roguery; for this, he resolved on a revenge,
which he had upon her the next day, when, a considerable dinner being to
be dressed; he was called up in the morning to make a fire; he did so,
and was more than ordinarily diligent, for he laid a row of Cinders,
then fresh Coals, then a row of gun powder, then a row of Cinders, then
more gun-powder, and so Cinders, till this pile of building was erected;
that done, he slightly kindled it and departed, going on an errand out
of the Town. The Wench not knowing, or distrusting the intended
mischief, hung on her Pot; and both the Spits of Geese, Capons, and
other Fowls; but before they were a quarter roasted, the train of Powder
took; with that up flew the Pot; and both the Spits, with all the Fowl,
took a second flight; the Wench was amazed, and the Dinner spoiled, for
the ashes and Cinders had made all the Fowls of a sad colour: so that
the Wench stamped and swore, as if she had been bewitch’d.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. IX.

_The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and so
  is her Master, mine Host; who makes himself whole again by another
  eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of Rhenish Wine
  at one sitting, and the manner how._


Mrs. _Dorothy_ pausing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to
consider of what she was to say further; wherefore in short time she
thus proceeded.

The poor Wench was at a great loss, to think that the Guests must loose
their dinner; and she could not for a long time think how this came
about, nor distrust that the boy had been concerned in it; but at
length, the mist being removed, her eyes were opened, and she believed
the boy to be the Authour of this mischief. But since it was done, and
what was past could not be prevented or helped; she bethought her self
how to proceed; and therefore, her Mistress coming into the Kitchin, and
seeing the state of the matter, they likewise called me and the
Daughter, to assist in the remedy; whilst the Wench made the fire good,
we fell to washing the Fowls from the fowleness which the Cinders and
Ashes had caused; but when that was done, we had a further and more
tedious work, to pick out several corns of powder that were fastned into
the skins of the Fowls; at length, with many hands, we likewise
performed this work, and with an hours loss, the Dinner was in as much
forwardness as it had been; and at length, it was dressed and eaten; but
the Guests tasting, and seeing some remains of the Gun-powder, my Host
excused it well enough, by telling them that those Fowles were shot by
an accident.

Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy
returned; but so soon as he came in, mine Host took him by the hand, and
led him into the room where the Guests were still a drinking: and first
desireing silence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the
Gunner, that had shot all those Fowls they had eaten, at one shot; how,
said they, he is an excellent marks-man: yes truly, said mine Host, but
he had a strange kind of instrument to do this Execution; and I pray,
Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.

The Guests thinking there was somewhat in the matter that was pleasant,
desired the boy to acquaint them with it; he seeing how matters went,
and believing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all;
they were strangely pleased with the boyes discourse; and he having told
them the manner how he did it, they desired to know the cause,
wherefore; to this he replyed, it was because the maid had cheated him
of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.

The rehearsal of that Adventure pleased them as much as the other; and
the maid was call’d in, who confessing all that the boy had told them,
the Guests made them Friends, and gave money to each of them; advising
the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and so they
dismissed them.

Thus had we much pleasure by Adventures, which every day fell out
between this boy and some body or other, but I will leave that, to tell
you of somewhat else, as considerable and pleasant. Our Cook-maid,
though she were pretty cunning and witty; was yet sometimes out-witted;
for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin; and
calling for a Flaggon of beer, sate down by the fire to drink it and
thus he began with the Wench: Here is good drink at your house, but I
wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals; why, said she, so we
are, for here is good meat at the fire, shewing him a piece of roast
beef, that weighed above a stone; yes, said he again, the meat may be
good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed
she; no, but there is not, said he; how, said she, can you eat all this?
Yes, that I can, said he; I’le lay a wager of that, said she; what you
dare, said the man, she would have the wager be a quart of wine (for she
was resolved against money wagers) nay, said the Man, a pint is enough
for me with this meat, and so much will I lay: She thinking, that the
less she layd the less she should lose, if she lost, and being very
desirous to see this great wager of eating performed, agreed to his
Terms, and thereupon he fell too lustily, and did eat considerably, but
far short of all, so that he consented his wager to be lost, and the
pint of wine was called for; he seizing on it first, put it to his nose,
and drank all off; and throwing down _six pence_ for his pint of wine,
and _two pence_ for his pot of beer, was departing, when her Mistress,
mine Hostess, enters the Kitchin, and seeing the fellow departing, asked
who must pay for the meat? Not I, said the fellow; Nor I, said the
wench, so that a controversie arose between them; but mine Host and some
company coming in, ended it, by ajudging, that since the Country-man
called for no meat, it was not fit he should pay for it, and he not
paying, the maid must, which she presently did it, but was laughed at
for her folly. But she was not the only over-reach’d person in the
house, for it was not long ere mine Host himself was finely caught.

                  *       *       *       *       *

There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for
eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they
came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the
Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and
Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give
you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked,
how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How
much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three
dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said
they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall,
said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my
self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it,
said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three
_shillings_ four _pence_ a piece, that is, ten _shillings_ in all.
Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was
the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean
time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a
stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they
returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon
whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one
mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat
from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were
invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their
appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each
Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits;
and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short
time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them
so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another
glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more
victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions,
at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to
be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore
he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid,
commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the
Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their
supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was
dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other
course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen
hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it
was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and
confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but
however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they
readily replyed, _Yes_. He again called, and the Cook maid being come
up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly:
She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten;
and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the
like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they
told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he
replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of
any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or
else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and
asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could
give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear
further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned
what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to
ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook
his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing,
and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have
each of them a quart of _Canary_, in full satisfaction of the wager:
this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept
more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to
bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and
over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be
endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he
remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no
cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and
part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly
paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and
at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating
wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak
endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his
loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings,
they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make
use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his
boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his
Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of
Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of
Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy
for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him
surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the
boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two
Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one
Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le
provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le
have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered
to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake,
and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of
Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of
Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay
for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for,
he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched
away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to
favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did
believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth
and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before
he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for
Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for
whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said
mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants,
replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his
Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I
believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake
a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too
little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and
his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said,
that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of
Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to
bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine
Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but,
said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy
can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable
neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good
wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the
Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and
I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine
Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into
the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine
Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told
him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task;
but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in
by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance
to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the
wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion
might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use
his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner
how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how,
and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more
time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible,
being put into our Gut-mongers _Christmas_ Cup-board, and the eleventh
was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host
looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of
discontent, which caused him to cry out, _Come Friend! bear up, and
here’s to you_; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from
mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat
no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine
Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more:
How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have
this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth
Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to
his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be
mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his
belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine
Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and
confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager;
and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion,
who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.

Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the
Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being
contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.

And now, continued Mrs. _Dorothy_, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one
Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating
discourse.

It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company
three Women, who were good girls, absolute _Bona Roba’s_, they had a
great desire to drink _Rhenish_ wine, and therefore asked if we had any?
Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come
in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve
one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no,
they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting.
The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for
it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new
Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from
their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and
Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on,
and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had
each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so
taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus
they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles
talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if
they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as
they did on butter-firkins.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                CHAP. X.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and
  Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two
  men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is
  out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes
  assistance._


These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly
to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with
the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his
victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the
quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come
within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of
Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but
the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well
be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles,
where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of
Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I
will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of
Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off
but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another
bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank,
the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the
bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the
quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always
gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as
to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing
the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size;
they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them
they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they
drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had:
But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in
short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not
contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a
bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen
who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended
cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and
thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but
looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely
this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer,
do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman,
but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am
sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the
Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would
put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely?
But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may
quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot
and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the
Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes
the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when
looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman
who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him
satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken,
and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in
this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed
the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and
besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best
Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be
much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do
it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the
bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but
parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the
Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of
that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this;
there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now,
said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer
seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do
not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration
of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at
the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when
he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in
it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not
so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as
to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not
been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot
had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it
was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole
company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely
pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they
came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little
purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or
cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the
hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a
whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the
same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would
draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when
they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also
batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill
a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in,
he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as
Juglers do when they are about their _Hocus Pocus_, slight of hand
tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the
first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it
being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false
measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or
two is filled out.

Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old
Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine,
the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot,
but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it
raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it
to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the
first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before
the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he
forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look
to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half
way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the
maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot?
Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it,
replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came
up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their
_Canterbury_ tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay
for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the
Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with
the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to
look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed,
they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered
him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they
would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they
were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the
wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying
that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new
one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should
decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and
mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his
quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the
matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak,
who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely
desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly
set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the
pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of
the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to
pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is
more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss
proceeded to mine Host.

Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that
had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do
hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never
had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not
they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full
of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand
that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further,
continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine
you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident,
and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down
Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your
_Mittimus_, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the
Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction,
was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.

This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore
down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for
the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now
become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace,
he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon
fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such
practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he
made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for
a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two
shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish
an inch asunder from one another. _Whestphalia_ Ham of Bacon he would
cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would
reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and
sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue
of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six
pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember
he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for,
and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit
down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her
self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which
she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down
th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests,
one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had
it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices
cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and
thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would
not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place,
where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the
cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore
called in for mine Host, who with a _Sit you merry Gentlemen_ came in:
Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not
above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is
too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a
whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good
jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a
quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said
mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host
quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying,
that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to
his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the
company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease
them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his
error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and
they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for
it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them
pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own
servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants
might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to
go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and
when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow
them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of
that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish,
drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so
one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where
when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is,
since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in
sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so
away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the
servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and
there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it
also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and
commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with
their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would
have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and
take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast
hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been
touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh
brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath
been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a
couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights
together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not
well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire
in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a
quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold
and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued
there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little
drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had
little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that,
and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay,
he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day:
this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they
could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and
besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country:
the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but
the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they
were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of
their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the
end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead,
that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my
Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few
words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they
hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and
now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which
they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him
welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the
bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore
they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host
being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold
to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his
servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged
of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy
having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for
joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening
to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of
spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them
here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of
our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the
boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for
about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house,
and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but
go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited
the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the
Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stamping
till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were
possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that
was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the
noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of
them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a
candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney,
thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to
light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and
espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and
taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and
seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller
perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and
being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great
sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy
and his Confederate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XI.

_Six Country Blades steal a Goose and two Hens; by the contrivance of
  two of them and the Host; the other four pay soundly for them, and
  laugh at their Companions. A Traveller by a mistake lies with another
  mans Wife. A noise of Fidlers are forced to pay for their sawciness._


The poor Traveller, who was thus used by the Calf, still continued his
roaring out, and the Calf being hungry, did suck very hard, but to no
purpose, our young Crack-rope and his Companion still listening and
laughing: but in fine, the noise continuing, and they doubting that
there was more than sport, they entered the Chamber, where they saw the
Calf close to the Traveller, but could not tell what he did there; but
the Traveller still making a noise, they came near, and perceiving the
Calfs mistake; they thrust somewhat into his mouth, and thereby
disingaged him from the Travellers Bawble: He still lay on the Ground
whilst they carried the Calf out of the Chamber, soon returning with a
lighted Candle to see what was the matter: the Traveller was by that
time somewhat come to himself, and feeling that he had lost nothing, was
indifferently satisfied: they being now entered the Chamber, asked what
was the matter? and wherefore he made so much noise? he now looking
about the Chamber, and seeing nothing but People with a light, whom he
knew, could not well tell what answer to give, only he told them, that
the Devil, or some wicked Spirit had been there, and he had like to have
been mischiev’d by him, but that now he found himself well again: his
Fellow-Traveller likewise said that there had been some walking in the
Chamber, but what it was, and wherefore his Companion roared out, he
knew not: in fine, they who had done the mischief were thanked for their
readiness to come and assist them; and so with some perswations our
Traveller went to bed again, where he lay till the next morning,
although he slept not, so great was his fear of the foul Fiend; but so
soon as morning came they both arose, and though the weather still
continued cold and rainy, yet they could not be perswaded to stay any
longer in our Inn, but paying their reckoning left it, and half their
wood behind them; so that mine Host was now no looser by this bargain,
it being ready cleft to sell to the next cold Guest that should arrive
there.

The last passage hapned in the Winter time, a little before _Christmas_,
which soon after coming, we had two or three notable Accidents that
befel in our Inn; the first was this: half a dozen of young Country
Blades had been abroad a Fowling, or a Fooling rather, and among other
purchase that they had, they coming near a Farm-house where there was
store of Poultry, at two shots which they made, they kill’d two Hens and
a Goose: this with the rest of their Game they brought to our house to
be dressed against the next day for dinner: they drank some bottles of
wine when they brought them, and being merry (said one) we will to
morrow drink a health to the owner of the Hens and Geese: well, that we
will (said another,) but I would not for forty shillings that he should
know of it, for if he did, I doubt he would make us pay sawce: and truly
I am yet somewhat fearful that we shall be discovered: so am I, said
another, and so a third; well, if we be found out we can pay for them,
and my share shall be ready. This was their discourse, and so for that
time they parted; but it was not long ere two of the Company returned,
and calling for a bottle of wine fell heartily a laughing; and (sayes
the one to the other) I am resolved it shall be so, and with the
assistance of mine Host we may carry the matter very closely; and
thereupon mine Host was call’d for: he being come, they told him that
they must have his assistance in a design, which he promised should not
be wanting, and thereupon one of them thus began: mine Host, we have
this day, as you know, been a Fowling, and part of what we brought in we
plunder’d for, or in plain English, stole; now some of our Company are
very conscious of their guilt and are not only penitent, but fearful;
now it is our design to increase their fear, and get some money out of
them to make us merry; and thus we have contrived it: to morrow when we
are towards the latter end of our dinner, I would have you to tell us,
that there is a Country fellow, who enquires for such persons as we are,
and likewise that he was here as this day to enquire of us, and that he
talks of a warrant that he hath against us about some Poultry his Master
lost, and that he suspected us to be guilty; and withal you may add,
that he is resolved to have the Law against us, and that you have had
much adoe to perswade him to be patient till we had din’d. Mine Host
having heard the instructions, was no Fool, but soon understood them,
and procur’d a Country Fellow to manage the business so well, that they
should be all startled, only (said he) you shall allow him half a Crown
for his labor, and the rest that he gets of you (for I know you intend a
Composition) shall be justly return’d you. Thus was this Affair agreed
on, and accordingly the next day managed: for the Guests also came at
the hour appointed, and merrily drank about till Dinner was brought in;
which being come they fell to eating, and the Goose being well nigh
eaten, a Glass of Wine was call’d for to drink a Health to the Owner,
and mine Host himself was then call’d for up to make one in the Frolick:
he being come, and seeing whereabouts Causes went, thought it now a fit
time to begin, and therefore he thus bespeaks the Company: Gentlemen, I
understand your Health, and shall willingly drink it, but if I be not
mistaken, you will have but little cause to be so merry on this
occasion: why? what’s the matter, says one? what’s the matter, said
another? I’le tell you presently, reply’d mine Host, but first let us
drink; whereupon up went his Glass, and down Gutter-lane went the Wine,
and mine Host being grave in his Countenance, and slow in his Speech,
they all, as amazed, star’d either on him or one another, wondring what
should be the meaning of mine Host’s Speech: At length he spake, and
acquainted them with the business, just as he and two of the Company had
agreed on; then having done, added farther, That he had endeavoured to
underfeel the Fellow that was below, but he found him very obstinate,
and doubted very much that he woad make no end but what the Law should:
How! (said one) is your fooling come to this! Oh Lord! (said another) we
have brought our Hogs to a fair Market: Well (said a third) but what
must we do in this case? Truly (said mine Host) if I may advise you, I
would have one of you go down to treat with the Fellow, and see what
composition you can draw him to: This was in the end thought to be the
best way, and thereupon one went down with mine Host; so soon as the
Country-man saw him (being well instructed in every thing) he cries out,
nay, I am sure I am in the right, for though the man hath changed his
Clothes, yet that won’t serve his turn: I know you well Sir, said he, by
your hair and beard: What do you know replyed the guest? why I know,
said the Country-man that you are one of the six that stole my Masters
two Hens and Goose; I saw you well enough when you did it, and know you
all well enough when I see you again; I follow’d you hither yesterday, &
see you hous’d, and able to swear before Mr. Justice that you are the
persons; and my Master is resolved to prosecute you, for he hath lost as
much Poultry this winter as is worth five pound, and now we have found
you you shall pay for all. How! (said the Guest) surely you do not mean
as you say; one body may be like another, and you may be mistaken; and
besides, if it were so, that we were the Parties, you mean yet a great
deal less than five Pound, which I hope will serve the turn for two hens
and a goose, which you say is all you lost. I (said the fellow) that is
all indeed that we lost yesterday, but I tell you five pound will not
pay for all my Master hath lost within this moneth, and my Master and I
both believe you had them all, or else you would not so readily have
found the way into our yard; and therefore I say, and so my Master
sayes, that you shall pay for them. Nay friend, (said mine Host) I pray
let me perswade you to be more reasonable in your demands; reason me no
reasons,(said the fellow) it was unreasonable for them to come and rob
my Master, and therefore I will not be reasonable; I am sure I shall
lose my share of Goose and other Poultry this _Christmas_, that I should
have had, had not we been robb’d. Nay but come, (said mine Host) let me
take up this matter: I say you shall not, (reply’d the Fellow) the
Justice shall know the matter, and no body else; but if they be your
friends, if you will make an end, and pay me the money, I’le be rul’d by
you. Whereupon mine Host took the Fellow by the Arm, and leading him
into a drinking room, said, come let you and I talk a little further of
this matter, and in the mean time, said he to the Guest, go you up to
your Friends and confer with them about it. How, said the fellow, you
mean to lead me out of the way while they get away from me. No, replyed
mine Host, I’le pass my word for their appearance. Nay, that matters not
much, quoth the fellow; for I have such a Warrant in my pocket, as will
fetch them again in the Devils name. Having thus said, he and mine Host
went to drink a pot of Ale together, and laugh a while; in the mean time
our Guest went up to his companions to relate how things were like to go
with the fellow, but he needed not tell them, for they being all
concern’d, had listned at the stairs head to what the Fellow had said,
and therefore knowing in what case they were, they all agreed to
contribute to the fellows satisfaction, but they thinking five pounds
were too much, grumbled at the demand, but was resolved to give that
rather than fail, and have further trouble. One of the two confederates
seeing how matters went, and though he was willing to put a trick upon
his companions, yet thought five pounds was too great a sum to get by
waggery, he therefore made a proposal that he would go down to the
fellow and mine Host and treat with them, and he would warrant to get
the business of for a great deal less: They were soon content with the
proposition, whereupon down he went, and after some time spent with mine
Host and the Country man, he returned, saying, Come, come Friends, draw
your moneys, for I have ended the Controversie, and I hope to your
content; we must be Noble-men, a Noble a piece, in all Forty shillings
is the sum agreed upon to compound this brabling Business, and herein we
are much engaged to mine Host for his civility, who hath much perswaded
the fellow, and indeed the fellow by his perswasions is brought to be so
civil, that I have promis’d him Half a Crown for himself. All the
Company were all well contented with this Composition, and thereupon
readily laid down their money, which one of our Confederates pretended
to carry down to the fellow, but he put it up in his own pocket, onely
giving him the Half Crown he had promised, and ordering half a dozen of
Beer more for managing the Affair so handsomly. And thus was this
Adventure ended, and in short time the Company separated, but the two
Confederates soon came back again, and shared stakes of the moneys, and
there they laughed at the easiness and credulity of their Companions,
and mine Host was as merry as they, and had as much cause, for if the
Proverb be true, _Let them laugh that win_, he was sure to win most, and
therefore might well laugh; for he made them pay sawcily for the Sawces
to their Goose, and in the confusion they were then in, it was no hard
matter to mis-reckon them several bottles of Wine, and the two
Confederates who onely managed this Affair to make sport and not for
gain, delivered all their profits, which was 26s. 8d. into mine Hosts
hands to be spent two or three days after, when they were to bring more
company to laugh at this Adventure, and I remember they then came, and
mine Host knowing they came easily by their moneys, was resolved to put
in for a share of it, and so he did, and had it; for they had but three
Dishes of Fish, but he again made them pay for their Sawce, reckoning
fourteen shillings for that and dressing it, although the Fish it self
did cost but half so much; these were his Tricks.

But there was about that time such a trick plaid by a mistake, as I have
seldom heard of: Several Companies were in the house and lodged there,
and it being long nights, much of that tedious time was spent in Gaming,
and higgedly piggedly one with another, all Companies mixt in that
pastime; but it growing late, those that were weary and sleepy dropt
away to bed: Among the rest, one man who had a very handsome woman to
his Wife went to bed, and his Lodging was in a Chamber where there was
another Bed; the man being in Bed, laid his wearing Clothes, _viz._,
Doublet, Breeches and Cloak upon him, and putting out the candle went to
sleep; in short time after, another single man who was to lodge in the
Bed in the same Chamber went up, and walking about, a conceit came into
his head, that it was probable he might have a Shee-bedfellow, and in
order thereto he thus carried his on Design: He put off his own Clothes,
and laid them very orderly on the Bed where the man was asleep, first
taking off those of his Chamber-fellows, and when he had done, he very
fairly spread them on the Bed he was to lye in; having done this, he
went to bed and put out his Candle, expecting the event, which happened
to be so as he hoped and expected; for not long after up came the woman,
intending to go to bed to her Husband, undrest herself, and seeing and
well enough knowing her Husbands clothes, believing that to be a
sufficient sign of her Husbands being there, not looking on the face
which was purposely hid, she put out her Candle & went to Bed to the
wrong man, who although he pretended then to be asleep, yet he did her
right before morning; for she still supposing it was her husband, gave
him free liberty to do what he would. Her bed-fellow, though he had
taken much pains and was weary, yet towards morning considering that if
this matter were discovered, he might have sower Sauce to his sweet
Meat, studied and contrived how to come off as well as he had come on,
and therefore turning to his Bed-fellow and kissing her, &c. as a
Farewel, he pretended to rise and make water, went out of the Bed; he
soon found the way to his Chamber-fellows Beds side, and there took off
his clothes, dress’d himself and departed. The woman missing her
Bed-fellow, which she thought had been her Husband, much wondred what
was become of him, and lay and studied in great confusion, she knew not
what to do or say, and she began to distrust that she had a wrong
Bedfellow, especially when she consider’d with herself that her Husband
was not wont to be so kinde: when she was partly sensible of the
mistake, she could not tell how to think of a remedy; if she should
arise and go into the other Bed, she might chance to be mistaken again,
and therefore in this confusion she knew not what to do: whilest she was
in these thoughts a maid with a Candle appeared, who passing through the
Room gave her clear sight that her Husband was in the other Bed, she
therefore resolved now to rise, take her Clothes, and go to Bed to her
Husband; but he who had slept hard all night was now awaked with the
noise of the maid passing through the Chamber, and therefore he leaps
out of the Bed and felt for a Chamber-pot, at the length he found one,
having used it, and going to return to Bed where he had layen, his wife
then took the opportunity to call to him, saying, Sweet-heart, whither
go you? you mistake your Bed: No sure, said the man, where are you?
Here, she said; he hearing her voice soon found out where she was, but
could not presently be perswaded that he had layen there all night, you
shall see that by and by, replyed she, when you can see your clothes on
this Bed: if it be so, then you are in the right said he, and that he
agreed to soon after day light appeared and he seeing his clothes on the
Bed, was satisfied: and thus was his business done, and he not knew it,
and the woman in the morning enquiring for the man who had been her
Chamber-fellow, could not finde him; she was earnest in her inquiry
after him, and this raised some jealousie in me, but I was soon after
resolved of all by the man himself, who came again to our house and told
me. This was a fine Christmas Frolick, I will adde one more, and so have
done with them.

The Fidlers of our Town haveing had good trading this _Christmas_ were
grown proud and surly, and had abused some Gentlemen, who told mine Host
of it; he who was good at inventing mischief, soon contrived a way to be
revenged of them, and in order thereunto, the next day a considerable
Dinner was bespoke, and the Fidlers were sent for to attend and play to
them, which they did all Dinner. The Gentlemen having dined, the Fidlers
had the Remains for their Dinner, and then again they fell a tuning
their instruments and played lustily, whilest the Guests drank of their
Cups as roundly; at length they fell to Dancing, and many Countrey
Dances they had, spending the day in all manner of Jovial and Sprightly
Recreations; the night being come, and therefore a fit time to put their
plot in execution, they again Danced several Rambling Dances, and anon
they all desired and agreed to Dance the Cushion-dance, which they did,
and in their humours rambled from one Room to another all over the
house, this musick pacing it afore them, and now one dropt away, and
anon another, till in the end all the Guests were gone, and none were
left but the Fidlers, who still plaid on expecting their Company. Mine
Host seeing it was now time came into them, and causing them to cease
their playing, asked where are the two guests? they reply’d they knew
not: no, said he, if you do not finde them, you are like to suffer; for
if you have played away my Guests, you shall pay their reckoning: he was
so peremptory in his demands, that it was to no purpose to contradict
it; and the reckoning amounting to three pounds, he made the five
Fidlers pay ten shillings a man, and told them he was a looser in
abaiting them ten shillings of his reckoning; they were forced and could
not help it, and therefore paid down their dust, and they who had not
money enough were fain to leave their Fidles, and go home without, and
end _Christmas_ to the Tune of _Lachrymæ_.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XII

_Mris._ Dorothy _discourses of mine Hosts misfortunes, As first how he
  was cheated of a Silver Bowl. Secondly, of a thirty pound reckoning;
  and Thirdly, was carried away Prisoner, and forced to pay Fifty pound
  for his Ransom._


Thus, continued Mris. _Dorothy_, was this revenge managed by mine Host
and the Guests who had the reckoning of thirty pound to pay, came the
next day and paid it, and then appointed to come the next week and spend
the fifty shillings mine Host had gotten from the Fidlers, which they
did accordingly; and thus said she, did we finish our _Christmas_: and
now I hope, friends, said she to me and Mris. _Mary_, that you will give
me leave to finish my discourse; not so long as you can think of any
more of these stories, replyed I, and so did M. _Mary_; and thereupon we
both joyned in our desires to entreat her to proceed. Well, replyed she,
if I must, then I will alter the Nature and Quality of my discourse, and
as I have told you of mine Hosts good fortune, and wayes to get money,
so I will acquaint you with some of his misfortunes, and how he lost
money; for Fortune was the same thing to him as she hath been to me, and
I think to all others; we all have our several turns and changes,
sometimes we are on the top, and anon on the bottom of Fortunes Wheel;
and as that is, so is the World, round and rouling, and still in motion,
and so are our Fortunes various: I replyed, I had full experience of
this truth, and could freely subscribe to it; but, continued I, good
honest _Doll_, let us be beholding to you so much as to prevent your
discourse, and relate all the other transactions that you can remember
befel during your stay in this pleasant place, for by what you have told
us, I must needs term it so. We, said she, since you will have it so,
i’le endeavour to satisfie you, and then she thus began.

I have already told you of one of my Hosts misfortunes in the quart pot,
and how he was forced to pay twenty shillings instead of satisfaction
which he expected; it was not long before that, that he had a more
sensible loss, for one morning in comes a Countryman which calls for a
Flaggon of Beer, and desires a private Room, for, sayes he, I have
company a coming to me, and we have business. The Tapster accordingly
shews him a room, and brings a Flaggon of Beer, and with it a Silver Cup
worth three pound; the Countryman drank off his beer, and call’d for
another Flaggon, & withal for mine Host to bear him company: mine Host
seeing him alone, sate and talked with him about state affairs, till
they were both weary & mine host was ready to leave him: well, said the
Countryman, I see my Company will not come, and therefore I will not
stay no longer, neither did he; but having drank up his Beer, he call’d
to pay: A groat, quoth the Tapster; there ’tis, said the Countrey-man,
laying it down, and so he went out of the Room, the Tapster staide
behinde to bring away the Flaggon and Silver Cup, but though he found
the Flaggon, yet the Cup was not to be found, wherefore he hastily runs
out and cries, _Stop the man_. The Countrey-man was not in such haste,
but that he quickly stopt of himself; he was not quite out of the doors,
and therefore he soon returned to the Bar, where when he was come, he
said, Well, what is the matter? what would you have? The Cup, said the
Tapster that I brought to you; I left it in the Room, said the
Country-man: I cannot finde it, said the Tapster: and at this noise mine
Host appeared, who hearing what was the matter, said, I am sure the Cup
was there even now, for I drank in it; it is there still for me, said
the Countrey-man: Look then further, said mine Host; the Tapster did so,
but neither high nor low could he finde this Cup; well then, said mine
Host to the Countrey-man, if it be gone you must have it, or know of the
going of it, and therefore you shall pay for it: Not I, said the
Countrey-man, you see I have none of it: I have not been out of your
house, nor no body hath been with me, how then can I have it? you may
search me. Mine Host caused him to be searched, but there was no Cup to
be found, however mine Host was resolv’d not to lose his Cup so, and
therefore he sends for a Constable, and charges him with the
Countrey-man, and threatens him with the Justice; all this would not do,
and the Countrey-man told him, _That threatned Folks live long_, and if
he would go before a Justice, he was ready to go with him. Mine Host was
more and more perplexed, and seeing he could not have his cup, nor
nothing confess’d, before the Justice they went, when they came there
mine Host made his complaint, and told the story as truely it was, and
the Country-man made the same answer there, as he had done before to
mine Host; the Justice was perplexed, not knowing how to do justice,
here was a Cup lost, and the Country-man did not deny but he had it, but
gone it was, and although the Country-man was pursued he did not flie,
he had no body with him, and therefore it could not be conveighed away
by confederacy, and for his own part he had been, and was again
searched, but none found about him, and he in all respects pleaded
innocency: this, though considered and weighed in the ballance of
justice, he could not think that the Country-man had it, and therefore
to commit him would be injustice; he considered all he could, and
inclined to favour the Country-man, who was altogether a stranger, and
he believed innocent, especially when he considered what a kind of
Person mine Host his accuser was, of whose life and conversation he had
both known and heard enough, and cause him to believe that it might be
possible that all this might be a Trick of mine Hosts to cheat the
Country-man, and therefore he gave his judgement, that he did not
believe by the Evidence that was given, that the Country-man had the
Cup, and that he would not commit him unless mine Host would lay, and
swear point blank Felony to his charge, and of that he desired mine Host
to beware. Mine Host seeing which way it was like to go, said no more,
but that he left it to Mr. Justice, who being of this opinion I told you
of, discharged the country-man, and advised mine Host to let him hear no
more of these matters, & if he could not secure his plate, & know what
company he delivered it to, then to keep it up. Mine Host thanked the
Justice for his advice, and so departed, the Countrey-man going about
his business, and he returning home, being heartily vexed at his Loss,
and the carriage of the whole Affair, which was neither for his profit
nor credit; but he was forced to sit down with the Loss, being heartily
vexed to think how he should lose the Cup: he threw away some money in
going to a _Cunning-man_ to know what was become of it, but all they
could tell him was, that he would hear of it again, and so he did
shortly after; though it was to his further cost, and to little purpose.
He had some occasions at our Country-Town during the time of the
Assizes, and there seeing the prisoners brought to their Trials, among
others he espyed the Countrey-man whom he had charged with the Silver
Cup, by enquiring what was his crime? was told it was for picking a
Pocket: Nay then, said mine Host, I may chance to hear of my Bowl again,
and thereupon when the Tryal was over, and the Prisoners carried back to
the Goal, he went and enquired for the Countrey-man, to whose presence
he was soon brought; Oh Lord, master! said he, how do you? who thought
to have seen you here? nay said mine Host, who thought to have seen you
here? I believe you have not met with so good friends in this Countrey
as you did at our Town, of our Justice; but let that pass, come let us
drink together, whereupon a Flaggon of Beer was call’d for, and some
Tobacco, which they very lovingly drank off, and smoak’d together; which
done, said mine Host to the Countrey-man; I would gladly be resolved in
one point which (I question not) but you can do; I suppose you mean
(said the Countrey-man) about the old business, of the Silver Cup you
lost; yes truly said mine Host, & the losing of it doth not so much vex
me, as the manner how it was lost; & therefore, continued he if you will
do me the kindness, to give me satisfaction what became of it, I do
protest I will acquit you although you are directly guilty. No, this
will not do, replyed the Country-man, there is somewhat else in the
case: well then, said mine Host, if you will tell me, I will give you
ten shillings to drink. Ready money does very well in a Prison, said the
Country-man, and will prevail much; but how shall I be assured you will
not prosecute me, if I should chance to be concerned? for that, replyed
mine Host, I can give you no other Warrant but my Oath, which I will
inviolably keep: well then said the Country-man, down with the merry
Griggs, let me handle the money, and I’le be very true to you; and as
for your charging me with it, I fear you not. Mine host being big with
expectation to know how this cleanly conveyance was wrought, soon laid
down the ten shillings; and then the Country-man thus proceeded: I must
confess that I know which way your Cup went, but when you charged me
with it I had it not; neither was it out of the room, and I must tell
you this, that if you had sought narrowly, you might have found it, but
it was not there long after. We who live by our wits must work by policy
more then down right strength, and this cannot be done without
Confederates, and I had such in the management of this affair, for I
left the Cup fastned with soft wax under the middle of the board of the
Table where I drank, which place of the Table by reason it was covered
with a cloath, as you may remember it was, it could not well be seen;
and therefore you and your servants missed of it: you know that very
willingly I went with you to the Justices; and whilst we were gone those
Friends and Confederates of mine whom I had appointed, and knew the Room
and everything else, went into the house, and into the same Room, where
they found the silver Cup, and without the least suspition went fairly
off with it, and at a place appointed we met, and there acquainted one
another with our Adventures, and what purchases we had made, we equally
shared them between us. Mine Host at the hearing of this discourse was
mightily surprized, although fully satisfied; but yet, said he, I would
be resolved one question, which is this, how if we had found it where
you had put it whilst you were there? why truly replyed the cheat (for
now I may call him so) then you could have charged me with nothing, and
I would have put it off with a jest, and if that would not have done,
the most you could have done, had been only to have kicked and beaten
me, and those things we of our quality must venture: you know the old
Proverb, _Nothing venture, nothing have_, and _Faint heart never won
fair Lady_; and we have this other Proverb to encourage us, that
_Fortune helps the bold_; as it doth commonly those of our quality, and
she did me I thank her in that attempt. And there did this Varlet
descant upon his Actions, to the great satisfaction of mine Host, who
finding there was no more to be had of him, left him, and soon after the
Town; coming home, and giving us an account of this adventure; and this
was another of his misfortunes, which was soon after followed by another
worse than the last, and thus it was. A Company of pretending Gallants
one evening arrived at our house, and there was in their company a young
lad of about ten years of age, on whom they all waited, giving him
respect equal to a Person of Honor, and their Master; they were soon
furnished with Lodgings, the best in the house, where they bespake a
plentiful supper, which was provided, drest, and sent to them. Mine Host
enquiring what, and who the young Gentle-man was, whom he supposed was
their Master; they told him that he was the Son of a _French_ Marquess,
giving him a name to that purpose, and that his Father their Lord and
Master, would in few dayes be there; likewise that they being recomended
to this house by a Friend of his, who warranted them good usage, they
were come thither, and there they intended to stay till their Lord came.
Mine Host was highly pleased with this recital, and he questioned not
the truth of it, because the young Gentleman could not or would not
speak any thing but a little Gibberish _French_. These Guests staid
there a fortnight eating and drinking in most plentiful manner; and
every day some or all of them did ride out, leaving only one person to
wait on their Lord, and they came home very honestly at night. They had
now been fourteen dayes and lain at Wrack and Manger, they and their
Horses; and their Bill amounted to thirty pounds, which being a round
sum of money; he began to try if he could get any, and to that end spake
by the by to him that was chief person next to the young Lord, but he
was deaf of that ear, and told him that it would not be above two or
three dayes e’re he was sure their Lord himself would come, and then he
should not only be paid, but also rewarded for the care, and respects he
had shewed to his Son: Mine Host was satisfied with their reasons, and
so went about his business; and so did this Blade about his; for calling
a consultation of his Brethren, they resolved to be gone the next day,
and give mine Host the go by for his Reckoning, and therefore they so
ordered the matter, that that night whilst they were at supper, and mine
Host with them; in enters another man, a new face, and enquired if my
young Lord such a one, and his Attendants were there? yes said the
Hostler, who took his Horse, and then calling the Chamberlain, he was
conducted into the Room where the rest of his Acquaintance were, he
being entered the Room, made his obeysance to his young Master; and then
putting his hand into his Pocket pull’d out a Letter, which he presented
to him; and another who sate next him took from him, opened, and read,
telling mine Host that the Letter was from their Lord, who promised to
be there with them by the next day at noon; glad did they seem to be,
and so was mine Host, who thought now he was near the receiving of his
money: the company then told him that he must provide a plentiful
dinner, and that they would all ride forth in the morning to meet their
old Master, only they would leave their young Master behind to his care;
to this mine Host was content, and the next morning they arose early,
mounted their horses, and away they went, leaving their Lord in Bed.
Mine Host provided dinner according to the directions, and noon came,
but no Lord, or Attendants; at length dinner was forced to be taken up,
or spoiled, and then the young Lord was enquired for, who was still in
Bed, and could not rise, for they had taken his fine Clothes with them:
in fine, upon search, an old Country Suit was found, which now our young
Lord owned to be his, and could speak _English_, saying, they were gone
and carried away his fine cloaths. Mine Host hearing he could speak
_English_, asked him several questions, which the Boy answered readily
enough, and by that he understood that they took him up in those
Clothes, and other rare matters if he would go with them, be ruled by
them, and learn a few heard words; and so in conclusion mine Host found
to his cost, that they were a company of cheats, who came to do that to
him, he had done to others, and though his loss was great, yet he was
forced to sit down contented; as for the Boy he being absolutely
innocent, he was only turned out of the doors to seek his fortune. Thus,
said Mistress _Dorothy_ you see he had his bitter with the sweet, and to
his sweet meat he had sower sawce; and although his loss was
considerable enough, yet soon after he had another of worser
consequence, and thus it was:

You must note, that it was now in the time of rebellion, and there was a
small garrison of Souldiers quartered in our Town of the Round-heads
Party, and about ten miles off there was another Garrison of Cavaliers.
Now one day there came to our Town two Gentlemen very well mounted and
armed, and they had a Pass from a round-headed Collonel our Neighbour,
and coming to our Town, and enquiring for the best Inn, they were
directed to our house, where they took up their Quarters; they pretended
themselves to be Persons of Quality, and therefore spent pretty
handsomely at the first, but in their stay there, which was about eight
dayes, they had run five pounds on the score; mine Host desiring his
money, they told him suddenly he should have it, moneys were coming to
them, but if he had not the patience to stay until their money came,
then (he knew) that they had two good Horses in his Stable, and he
should in lieu of his money have which he pleased, at such a rate as any
indifferent person should adjudg the best of them to be worth: mine Host
seeing them answer him so fair, was as kind as they, and told them that
he did believe them to be Gentlemen of quality, and that he scorned to
undervalue them so much as to dismount them, and as they came on
Horse-back to depart on foot, but that he had rather wait a while longer
for the Money, which they said they staid for: they kindly thanked him
for his courtesie, and promised him to requite it; and thereupon all
Persons rested well satisfied, but no money coming at the time they said
they expected, he again asked them for moneys; and indeed it was their
desire that he should do so, or else the design they had in hand, and
intended to carry on, could not be well executed; and therefore that
they might bring their project to execution, they again offered him one
of their horses; he had a great mind to one of them, having a Customer
ready that would give him a very good price, told them that since they
were so willing he was so too, and that they might possibly have their
Horse again when their money came: it is all as one for that, replyed
the Gentlemen, we had rather go without horses than you should be
dissatisfied, and therefore choose which of the two you will have: they
being both, said he good, I care not which of them, and to that end if
you please to morrow we will all three ride out of the Town a mile or
so, and then you may conclude which you like best, and as for the price
we will well enough agree upon that; to this mine host consented, and
the next day they all three mounted their horses, and away they rode,
but to the great sorrow of us all, for these Gentlemen who had lain thus
long in our house were Caveliers, and belonged to the adjoyning
Garrison, and when they had drawn mine host with them as far as they
could willingly perswade him, and that he offered to return, they then
drew, and with Sword in one hand, and Pistol in the other, they came up
to him and commanded him to stand, for he was their Prisoner, he asked
them for what? and would have disputed the case with them but it was to
no purpose; they were deaf to all perswations, and he living in a
Round-headed Garrison they concluded him to be one, and therefore he was
their lawful Prisonor, and as one they would guard him to their
quarters; so they said, and so they did, and taking his Sword from him,
they caused him to ride on apace, till they brought him to their
Quarters; before their Commander they conducted him, who adjudged him to
be a Prisoner, and the next day resolved on his Ransome, which he valued
at a hundred pounds: the one half he ordered the Gentlemen should have,
and the other to be devided among the indigent Souldiers? this was his
doom: and now my poor Host was delivered into Custody; he writ away to
his Wife to acquaint her with this doleful News, she could not raise so
much Money, and therefore he was like to continue; but in the end, by
the assistance of some Gentlemen who were Guests to the house and
Caveliers, she got one half of the Ransome to be abated, and so the
fifty pounds being sent, he was delivered up, and came home to chear his
Wife and Family.

[Illustration]

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                              CHAP. XIII.

_At the execution of a Felon several Cheaters meet, and seeing a
  Countrey-man draw a Purse of money resolve to cheat him of it, which
  they do first by a brass Chain, and afterwards by drawing him in to
  bet at Gameing. They were again cheated by mine Host, and the
  principal Cheat comically punished._


Mistress _Dorothy_ here putting a stop to her discourse, we thereby
understood she had finished, wherefore I thus discoursed her: truly now
I find that to be true of your Host, which I have experimented in
myself, and that we must meet with many rubs & misfortunes, but these
were but trivial to him considering his great comings in, by his
extraordinary gain in trading: that’s true replyed M. _Dorothy_, but as
he had considerable gain, so he had many wayes to spend it, and many
spenders, his Wife and Children being all as expensive as might be, and
what was got over the Devils Back, was spent under the Devils belly: and
therefore though much money went through his hands in a year, yet it
went through, and little stuck there or staid with him, so that he was
seldome Master of any considerable sum of money; and therefore it went
hard to raise this sum of money, and some of his Plate was fain to march
off to produce it; but that being paid and he come home, we were all
well enough satisfied, and he told his wife this was most certainly the
fortune of War, but he questioned not but in short time he would fetch
it up again; as indeed he did in using those several ways I have told
you of; and now I hope (said she) I have told you enough to satisfie
your curiosity; truly, replyed I, you have taken a great deal of pains,
but if you have any more in your budget out with them, for what you have
hitherto related hath not only been pleasant but profitable, and very
full of variety. Well, (replyed she) since you will have it so, I will
proceed a little further, and recount some passages as considerable as
any you have hitherto heard. There was (continued she) not long before
this time a bloody murder committed, for an honest Country-man that
lived about six miles from us, one market day was driving his Team of
Horses and Cart loaden with Corn to our Town to sell, and being come
about half way, he was met by a lusty tatterdemallion rascal that was on
foot, travelling on the Road, he first asked the Countrey-man to give
him something, telling him he was a poor Traveller and had been robb’d:
quoth the Countrey-man, friend, I have nothing to give you, for I have
no money, being now going to Market with this Corn to make money of it;
the fellow seemed to rest contented with this answer, and thereupon
walked on with the Countrey-man; but they had not gone far but the Devil
entring into this fellow, perswaded him, here he might have a great
prize, and therefore still walked on, he at length seeing the Road clear
of Passengers, and a convenient place for him to put his purpose in
practice, with a lusty Cudgel he had in his hand, he struck the poor
Countrey-man over the Head, that down he fell a sprawling, and not
content therewith, drew him a little out of the road, and in most cruel
manner cut his throat; having this done, he seizes on the fore-horse of
the Team, and leads him also with the Team and Cart out of the road to a
convenient place, where he stops, and then drawing the body of the
murthered Countrey-man to a Ditch-side, he there made a hole, and having
strip’d him of all his clothes, buried him, and stripping himself of
those Rags he had on, he putting on the Countrey-mans cloathes, buried
his own with the Countrey-mans body; and having thus done, he lead the
Team into the Road again; this was done one winters morning early before
day; and so he had the conveniency to do all this without interruption,
and now with Whip in hand, and habited like a Country-man, he drives on
to our town to Market; he took up his standing at the usual place, and
had the good fortune not to be questioned of any body, but enquiring how
the rates of corn went, he accordingly sold his at a good price as any:
and he not only made money of his Corn, but hearing there was a horse
Fair that day at a Town but three miles off, and having dispatch’t
betimes he drove thither and soon had a Customer for both Horses and
Cart, and there he bought him a saddle horse to ride on, being thus
fitted to his purpose, he was not long e’re he met with a company of
Shirks and Cheats, who intending to chouse him, he was too crafty for
them, and enters himself into their society, and by degrees became a
Knight of the _Pad_, an obsolute High-way-man, but the Devil who had set
him to work, was not long e’re he paid him his Wages, for he was pursued
for a Robbery he had committed, and so narrowly followed that he was
forced to take the water, to cross a River, he leap’d in on Horseback,
but the Horse was soon drowned, and he narrowly escap’d to a little
Island in the River, where he was still in sight of his pursuers, they
getting a Boat came up to him, he being armed attempted to discharge a
Pistol, but by reason the powder was wet, it would not off whereupon
they coming nearer to him he drew his Sword, and though there were three
in the Boat he kept them from landing, and being resolved to sell his
life at a dear Rate, he kill’d one of them out-right, and wounded
another, but now another Boat with more help coming he was in danger to
be lost, wherefore putting his Sword in his mouth he again took the
water, and swam away, and they after him, but length seeing it was in
vain to resist he suffered himself to be taken, and bound, led away to
the Justice, and thence to Prison, where he believing he must dye, grew
some what penitent, and not onely confess’d the Fact he was then accused
for, but among other mischiefs he likewise acknowledged the Murther, and
Robbery I have told you off; and the Assizes being come, and he tryed,
and confessing, he was condemned to be hang’d in Chains at the place
where he committed the murther; this being not above a mile from our
Town, at the day of Execution it drew most of the people out of it to
see the end of this wicked wretch, who did somwhat penitently, but his
Penitence and Repentance did not work one jot upon others of his
quality, who were there present; but as commonly one Wedding-feast
begets another Wedding, so one Execution does usually produce another;
and they who are Spectators at one Execution, in short time come to be
executed themselves: whether there were any persons at this execution
that did soon after take his turn, I know not, but I am sure there were
present many Cheats, and Pick-pockets, and such sort of people, for our
Town was that day pretty well throng’d with them. Among other practises
that was used, this was one.

Two or three Cheaters going together saw a Country-man who had a Purse
of money in his hand, they had observed him to draw it to pay for some
Gingerbread he bought on the way; wherefore they closed with him, and
endeavoured to nip his Bung, pick his Pocket, but could not, for he
knowing he was in a dangerous place, and among as dangerous Company, put
his Purse of money into his Breeches, which being close at the knees,
secured it from falling out, and besides he was very sly in having any
body come too near him. Our Practitioners in the Art of Thievery, seeing
this would not do, set their wits a working further; and having all
their tools about them in readiness, taking a convenient time and place,
one of them goes before and drops a Letter, another of his Companions
who had joyned himself to our Countrey-man, seeing it ly fairly for the
purpose, sayes to him, Look you what is here! but although the
Countrey-man did stoop to take up the Letter, yet the Cheat was too
nimble for him in that, and having it in his hand, said, Here is
somewhat else besides a Letter, I cry half, said the Country-man: well,
said the Cheat, indeed you stoop’d as well as I, but I have it; however
I’le be fair with you; but let us see what it is, & whether it is worth
the dividing; & thereupon he breaks open the letter, & there sees a fair
chain or neck-lace of Gold: Good Fortune (sayes the Cheater) if this be
right Gold: how shall we know that, said the Countrey man? let us see
what the Letter says, which being short and to the purpose spake thus:

_Brother_ John, _I have here sent you back this necklace of gold you
sent me; not for any dislike I have to it, but my Wife is covetous and
would have a biggar, this comes not to above seven pounds, and she would
have one of ten pounds; therefore I pray get it changed for one of that
price, and send it by this bearer to your loving Brother_, N.B.

Nay, then we have good luck (said the Cheater) but I hope, said he to
the Countrey-man, you will not expect a full share, for you know I found
it, and besides, if we should divide it, I know not how to break it in
pieces, but I doubt it would spoil it, therefore I had rather have my
share in money. Well, said the Countrey-man, I’le give you your share in
money, provided I may have a full share; that you shall, said the
Cheater, and therefore I must have of you three pounds ten shillings,
the price in all being as you see, seven pounds. I, but said the
Countreyman (thinking to be too cunning for the Cheat) it may be worth
seven pounds in money in all, fashion and all, but we must not value
that, but only the Gold, therefore I think three pounds in money is
better than half the Chain, and so much I’le give you if you will let me
have it: well content said the Cheat, but then you shall give me a pint
of wine over and above; to this the Countrey-man also agreed, and to our
town they came, and into our house, and there the Cheat had the three
pounds, and the Countrey-man the Chain, who believed he had that day
risen with his A--- upwards, because he had met with so good fortune.
They drank off their drink, and were going away, but the Cheat not
having yet done with him (intended to get the rest of the money from
him) offered him his pint of Wine, which the Countrey-man accepted of;
but before they had drank it off, in comes another of the same Tribe,
who asked whether such a man, naming one, were there? no, (said the
Bar-keeper,) our Cheater and Countrey-man sitting near the Cheat, asked
of the enquirer, did you not ask for such a man? Yes, said the enquirer,
why said our Cheater, I can tell you this news of him that it will not
be long e’re he comes hither, for I met him as I came in; and he
appointed me to come in here and stay for him: well, then I were best to
stay, said the Enquirer: but (continued he) we were best to take a
bigger Room, for we cannot stir our selves in this; agreed, said the
Cheater, so the reckoning was paid, and they agreed to take a larger
Room, leaving word at the Bar that if any enquiry were made for them,
there they should find them; they went into another Room, and our
Countrey-man having done his business would be going; no, said the
Cheater, I pray stay and keep us company, it shall not cost you nothing;
well, then said the Countrey-man, I am content to stay a little: they
being now entred into their Room, call’d for a quart of Wine, and drank
it off, what shall we do to spend time, said the last Cheater? for I am
weary of staying for this man, are you sure you are not mistaken? no,
said the other: one of them then pretends to walk a turn in the Room,
and coming to the window behind a Cushion he pretends to finde a pair of
Cards (which indeed he himself had laid there) look you here, said he to
the Countrey-man and th’other, I have found some tools, now we may go to
work, and spend our time, if you will play; not I, said the Country-man,
I’le never play; then I will, said the other Cheat, but not for money:
why then, said the other, for six pence, to be spent, and the Game Putt;
they being agreed, and my Countrey-man being made Overseer of the Game,
fell to playing, and the Countrey-mans first Acquaintance had the better
of it, winning twelve Games to the others four: come, said he, what
shall we do with all this drink? we will play two pence wet and four
pence dry; to this the other agreed, and so they play’d, and at this low
gaming the first Cheat had in short time won of the second ten shillings
in money; the second seemed to be angry, and therefore proposed to play
for all money, hoping to making himself whole again; nay, said the
other, I shall not refuse your proposition, because I have won your
money; and therefore to it they went, and the first Cheater had still
the same luck, and won ten shillings more; then the other would play for
twelve pence a Game, no, said the first Cheater, I am not willing to
exceed six pence a Game, I will not alter what I have begun, lest I
change luck, unless this honest Countrey-man will go my halves; I have
no mind to Gaming, reply’d the country-man; you need not play said the
other, I’le do that, and you see my luck is good, venture a Crown with
me, you know both our lucke have been, and I hope will continue good;
well, content, said the Countrey-man, and so they proceeded, still our
first Cheat had good fortune, and he, and the Countrey-man won ten
shillings a piece more of the other, which made them merry; and the
other was mad; he therefore told them he would win the Horse, or lose
the Saddle, and venture all now; and drawing out about thirty shillings;
said, come take it all, win it and wear it; and so they played; but they
had now drawn the Countrey-man in sufficiently, and he was flush; but it
lasted not long thus, e’re he was taken down a button-hole lower, for
the fortune changed, and all that he had won was lost, and forty
shillings more: He was now angry, but to no purpose, for he did not
discover their foul play, and he in hopes of his good fortune ventured,
and lost the other forty shillings; and then he said he would go halfes
no longer, for he thought he would be merry and wise, and if he could
not make a winning, he would be sure to make a saving Bargain, which he
reckoned he should do, because although he had lost four pounds in
money, & given the Cheat three pounds for his share of the Chain, that
yet he should make seven pounds of the Chain, and so be no Loser: they
seeing he would not play, left off, and he that had won the money was
content to give a Collation, which was called for, but our first Cheat
pretending much anger at his Loss, was resolved to venture more; and to
playing again he went, and in short time he recovered much of his
losses; this angred the Countrey-man that he had not joyned with him,
and in the end, seeing his good luck continued, and that he won, he
again went halfs, but then it was not long that they thrived, but the
Countrey-man was forced to draw his Purse, and in the end lose all his
money, which was near twenty pounds: He did not think his condition to
be so bad as it was, because he believed he had a Chain worth seven
pounds in his Pocket, and therefore he reckoned he had not lost all. By
this time several of the rest of the Gang (having been abroad, employed
on the same account, Couzening and Cheating of others) now flocked all
to our House, being the place appointed for their Rendezvouz, there they
acquainted one another of their several Gains and Prizes; and then they
fell a drinking, they drank about lustily for joy, and the Countrey-man
for anger; and mine Host was called up to make one in the Company; he
soon understood what kind of Guests he had, and how they had cheated the
poor Country-man; and therefore he was resolved to serve them in the
same kind; he therefore put forward the Affairs of drinking, and some
being hungry call’d for Victuals; he told them he would get them what
they pleas’d; and they being determined to take up their Quarters there,
for that night, a Supper was bespoke for all the Company, such as mine
Host in his discretion should think fit, he told them they should have
it, and accordingly went down to provide Supper, he soon returnes and
helps them to drink whilst Supper was dressing; by this time they were
all perfectly drunk, he then commands up supper, and they fall too with
a Shoulder of Mutton and two Capons, eat and drink hard, and call for
more, he tells them it is coming, but they now having sate still a while
were all fallen asleep, he makes use of this opportunity, and brings up
half a dozen empty foul Dishes, or at leastwise full of bones of several
fowls; as Pidgeons, Partridges, Phesants, and all the Remains of
Victuals that had been left in the house that day; and strews and places
some on their several Trenchers, and thus he leaves them. Some of them
sleeping, and sitting uneasily fell from their Chairs, and so awaked
themselves; and their companions being throughly awaked, they again fell
to eating and drinking; some turning over the bones that were brought,
said, How came these here, I do not remember that I eat any such
Victuals? Nor I, said another, whereupon mine Host was call’d, and the
question was asked him: why surely, Gentlemen, you forget your selves,
said he, you have slept fair; I believe you will forget the Coller of
Brawn you had too, that cost me six shillings out of my Pocket; how!
Brawn! said one, I, Brawn said mine Host, you had it, and are like to
pay for it; you’l remember nothing anon, this is a fine drunken bout
indeed; so it is, said one of the Company; sure we have been in a Dream;
but it matters not, mine Host, you must and shall be paid: Give us the
other dozen bottles, and bring a Bill, that we may pay our Reckoning.
This Order was presently obey’d, and a Bill brought, which in all came
to seven pounds; and I verily believe he misreckoned them for meat and
drink, the one half, and told them he used them very kindly; they were
bound to believe him, and therefore every man was call’d to pay their
shares; my Countrey-man shrunk behind, intending to escape, which one of
the Company seeing, call’d him forwards, and said Come, We must tell
Noses, and every man pay alike; the Countrey-man desired to be excus’d;
and said he had no money; which they knowing well enough, at length
agreed to acquit him. This done, they went to their several Lodgings to
bed, and it was time, for it was past midnight, they all slept better
than the Country-man, who could hardly sleep a wink for thinking of his
Misfortunes, and having such good luck in the morning, it should prove
so bad e’re night; But morning being come, he and they all arose, and
the Countrey-mans money being all spent, he knew it was to no purpose
for him to stay there; wherefore he resolved to go to the Goldsmith’s in
the Town, and sell, or pawn his Chain, that he might have some money to
carry him home: Being come to the Goldsmith’s he produced the Chain,
which although at the first sight he thought to be gold, yet upon trial
he found it otherwise, and that it was but brass guilt; he tells the
Countrey-man the same, who at this heavy News was like to break his
heart: The Goldsmith seeing the Countrey-man in such a melancholy dump,
enquires of him how he came by it? he soon acquainted him with the
manner, and every circumstance: the Goldsmith as soon understood the
Cheat, and advises him to go to the Justice, and get a Warrant for him
that had thus cheated him: and the Countrey-man telling him that he had
no money, nor friend, being a stranger; he himself went with him to the
Justice, who soon understanding the matter, granted his Warrant; and the
Goldsmith procured a Constable to go with him to our house, where the
first Cheater was apprehended, and carried before the Justice; who upon
examination explain’d the Case, and finding the fellow guilty, ordered
that he should be led to the whipping post, and there be whipped, and
then be sent on a horse back, with his face towards the horsetail, and
so led out of the Town; and withal, the Justice sent away the Constable
to our house, to apprehend and bring the rest of the gang before him;
but he came too late, for the Birds were flown, doubting some such
matter; so that only the first Cheater suffered the punishment
aforesaid; but I remember he was so impudent that when he came by our
house on horseback, with his face to the horse tail, Ah, ha! said one,
what is the meaning of this? nothing, said the Cheater, but that this
horse is given me, and I am resolved to ride this way to make good the
Proverb, _that I may not look a gift horse in the mouth_.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XIV.

_Two Shoemakers are cheated of a pair of Boots, and mine Host gets
  another pair of them. Mine Host and one of the Shoemakers find out the
  Cheater, who is apprehended, and sent to Prison but is released by the
  Judge for an enterprize of his Companions, who acted wonderful Feats
  by slight of hand._


Thus was every one a gainer but the poor Countrey-man, who was forc’d to
march home by weeping Cross, only with a brass chain worth eighteen
pence, instead of above twenty pounds which he had brought out with him.
Mine Host gained indifferently well, but the Cheaters more, being fully
fraighted; but as they got it easily, so they spent it merrily; and then
went to work for more, though they devided the spoil equally between
them, yet none had the punishment but the Chain-Merchant, and I believe
he had as many lashes on the back as there was links on the chain; he
took his punishment very patiently, only when the blow came he would
shrink up his shoulders, which a stander by seeing, told him that did
him more harm than good; it is no matter for that, friend, said the
cheater, you may spare your instructions, for I shall not follow them,
and now I am to be whip’d I will do as I List, and when you come to the
same sport, and it is your turn to be whip’d, you may behave your self
then as you please, thus was he pleasantly roguish when he was in the
midst of his punishment, and when he was on horse-back he answered the
People as roguishly as I told you; but being come to the Towns end he
was dismounted, and sent packing. Thus were we rid of one Crew of
Cheats, but truly, if all the Cheats of the Town had been so served as
this was, mine Host must also have march’d off, who had he had his due,
did as justly deserve it; but it is the little sort of Knaves and Rogues
that are punished, the greater scaping Scot-free, as now mine Host did.
After this Trick we had another that was altogether as pleasant, and
before the finishing of it, there were some pleasant passages, and thus
it was.

A Gentleman-Cheater comes to our house, and stays there a day; walks
about the Town to finde some purchase, but lost his labor, he seeing
there was no money to be had, was resolved to play at small Game rather
than stand out; and somewhat therefore he would do if it were but to
bear his charges; he had observed that there were but two Shoemakers in
the Town, one at the one end, and the other at the other end: he saw
they were well furnished with boots and he wanted a pair, he therefore
coming home to his quarters, sent our Boy to one of the Shoemakers to
desire him to come to our house, to bring a pair of boots to a
Gentleman; the Sho-maker in hopes of a good Customer returns with the
Boy, and brings two or three pair, our Gentleman trys them on, and at
last is pleas’d with one pair, only one of them was too little in the
instep, for that said the Shoemaker, it is a small fault, and I can
remedy it in an hours time, by putting it on the Last; our Gentleman
intending that so he should, asked, what price? eighteen shillings was
demanded, but fifteen was the price agreed upon; well, said the
Gentleman, carry back the boot that is so defective, and put it on the
Last, let it stay on it two hours at least, and then come and bring it,
and take your money; very good, said the Shoemaker, and so taking up the
remainder of the Boots he departed, not distrusting any thing, and not
thinking any man who had two legs could much advantage himself with one
single Boot. Our Gentleman being now Master of one Boot, was resolved to
have another, and therefore he again calls the Boy, and desires him to
go to the other Shoemaker, and wish him to come and bring a pair of
Boots: for, said he, the other Shoemaker you brought could not fit me;
the boy believed him, not thinking of the transaction, it being done
privately in his Chamber: The boy went, and brings the other Shoemaker
with him, who likewise brought two or three pairs of Boots; our
Gentleman likewise tries them, and chusing that pair that was likest to
the other he had, he likewise agreed with the Shoemaker upon price, but
made the same exceptions with this last, as he had done with the former,
advising him to put the Boot on the Last, for one hour and a half, and
at that time to come exactly and receive his money; away went the
Shoemaker with the rest of his Boots, leaving the odd one behind, and no
sooner was he gone but he draws on his new Boots, and calling for a
Reckoning, paid it, and his horse being bridled and sadled he mounted,
and away he rode. At the time appointed both the Shoemakers came, so
justly together that they met at the Gate with each of them a Boot under
his Arm; they both asked for our Gentleman, but hearing he was fled and
gone, they both look’d blank upon the matter; mine Host was present, and
understanding the story laughed heartily at it; they knew not whether
they should be angry or pleas’d, but being both Brothers of a Trade and
both served alike, they resolved to laugh too, though it were but with
one side of their mouths, and so they sate them down and drank together;
one Pot drew down an other, and being of the Gentle Craft they were both
good fellows, and at length a Bottle of wine they call’d for; mine Host
seeing them in a merry vain, said, Gentlemen, I’le make a proposition to
you, faith since the Gent. hath made a pair of two odd boots do you so
too and let these as the other two go together, and therefore fillip up
Cross or Pile who shall have both; I but said one, I am not willing to
hazard my Boot for nothing, therefore thus I propose it; let us have the
other Bottle of Wine, and then let us fillip Cross or Pile and take our
chance, and he that hath the fortune to have both the Boots shall pay
the Reckoning; agreed, said the other, and so they proceeded; and he
whose chance it was to have both the Boots, did not only agree to pay
the Reckoning, but also called for another Bottle of Wine. Mine Host
still kept them company, and helped them to laugh at the Frolick, and
now they were gotten into so merry a Vein, they resolv’d to club for the
other Bottle, which they likewise in short time drank off. Mine Host
having a Design upon them for the Boots, seeing them merry, said thus,
Gentlemen, I made one proposition to you, even now and you agreed upon
it; I have another to make, which I question not but you will assent to,
but in the first place, I pray tell me the just price of the Boots;
truly, replyed the Master of them, I was to have fifteen shillings of
the Gentleman for them, but they are really worth fourteen shillings,
well then, replyed mine Host, my Reckoning comes to six shillings; now
if you please I’le venture my Reckoning, which is near half of what your
Boots are worth against them, and fillip up Cross or Pile whether I
shall have the Boots for my Reckoning or nothing; we’l make no dry
bargain said the third person, we’l have some Wine to boot, or no Boots
shall be ventured; well, said mine Host, then I will add another bottle
of Wine to the Reckoning; and thus all Parties being agreed, Cross and
Pile being fillip’d up, mine Host had his Chance, and the Boots; and
thus he gained what the other lost, and neither of the Shoemakers could
laugh at one another for their loss was equal; and thus was this pair of
liquor’d Boots converted into liquor, and that drank up, and this was
the end of the adventure of the Boots for the present, but it was not
quite finished, for mine Host who again had some business at the
Assizes, went to the Country Town where it was kept, and there he met
with one of the Shoemakers his Neighbour; he had then the same Boots on
that he had in a manner gain’d by chance; and therefore remembring the
Jest, they went in to drink at the next Two-pot house; there they were
jesting and laughing at the passage of the Boots, when on a sudden mine
Host looking out of the Window call’d to the Shoemaker, look you here
quickly, and I think I can shew you your Boot-Merchant; the Shoemaker
look’d out and saw him, for it was he indeed, with the very Boots on his
Leggs; he was walking by, in company of others, who by their Garbs and
Mien did seem to be persons of Quality: The Shoemaker would have run out
presently and seized on him, but mine Host would not permit it, only
advising him to follow him, and see him hous’d; The Shoemaker followed
mine Host’s directions, and saw his Quarters, and upon enquiry found
that he was to continue there for some time; wherefore he returned to
mine Host, and acquainted him of his intelligence; they thereupon
advised together what most convenient to be done, and concluded that
mine Host should go into his company, and acquaint him that the
Shoemaker expected satisfaction for his Boots, and it may be he is a
Gentleman of Quality, and only did it in a Frollick, and will now pay
well enough for it; but, said mine Host, if I finde him to be otherwise,
we can soon have a Warrant to apprehend him, and have him punished; this
was reckoned to be sober, and the best advice, and accordingly it was
managed; for that evening mine Host seeing him walking alone in the Inn
Yard, went and spake to him, telling him if he were not mistaken he
thought he knew him; our Gentleman surveying of mine Host, reply’d,
certainly no, but however if he would go into a Room, he would gladly
drink with him; to this mine Host consented, they being come into a
Room, drank and smoak’d together; mine Host again asking him if he were
not long since at our Town? yes, said the Gentleman, and I pray you,
where did you lodge? at such an Inn, reply’d the Gentleman, and naming
ours; why then, reply’d mine Host, I am not mistaken, and if you please
to call to mind you may remember me to be the Master of the House; Oh! I
cry you mercy, reply’d the Gentleman, now I know you, I did partly
remember you, but could not call to mind where I had seen you; but I
pray what affair has brought you hither? no great matter, reply’d mine
Host, only a little curiosity; that’s well, said the Gentleman: but,
said mine Host, methinks your Boots and mine look as if they were
somewhat of kin together, I pray where did you buy them? Why? that may
well be, reply’d our Gentleman, for I bought them in your Town; but Sir,
I pray (be not angry) said mine Host, did you ever pay for them? Why do
you ask? said the Gentleman, because, said mine Host, if you did, then
you are slandered and abused, and what if I did not pay for them? said
the Gentleman; why then, said mine Host, you are best to do it, for the
men of whom you had them are both my Neighbours; well, well, said the
Gentleman, no more of this, for I paid for them as much as I will do:
mine Host seeing him so absolute, said no more to him of that matter,
but drank off their drink, and club’d for their Reckoning, which being
paid he again at parting said thus; Sir, it will be for your Credit to
pay for the Boots, I know all the story, and if you will not pay now,
one time or other you will be forc’d to it to your Cost, and Trouble; do
not you trouble your head with that, replied the Gentleman, let it alone
till that day comes; take your own course said mine Host; and you yours,
said the Gentleman, and so they parted. Mine Host having had this
huffing answer, made further enquiry what this person was, and found
that he was no better than a Cheat, and one that came thither for no
other purpose, he therefore tells his neighbour the Shoemaker of all
passages, and advises him to get a Warrant to apprehend him, and carry
him before the Judge; He who was forward enough before, now went
directly and made his Complaint to the Judge that evening, telling him
all the Circumstance of the matter; the Judge asked him if he had
enquired what quality he was of? he answered, yes, he was suspected to
be no better than a Pick-pocket, or Cut-purse: well then replied the
Judge, bring him hither to morrow morning before I go to the Court; our
Shoemaker did not fail in a tittle, but the next morning seized on him
in his Chamber, and carried him immediately before the Judge; when they
came there, the Shoemaker made his Complaint, and mine Host was there
present, not only to justifie it, but to produce the very fellows, which
indeed were easily enough to be known to be so, and so they managed
their evidence that the Gentleman-Cheat had little or nothing to say for
himself, and therefore he was committed to Prison. It happened at this
time that the Judge had a Kinsman with him who was somewhat wilde, and
only rid about the progress with him to see fashions, and he had one
scurvy humor, which was this; he had a good Estate, and was full of
mony; and therefore in a prodigal vapouring way, he would carry a Purse
with near a hundred pieces of Gold in it, in his pocket, and this he
would always carry about with him, and upon all occasions, though never
so trivial he would be drawing his Purse, and shewing his Gold, this was
his Custom; and the Judge his Unkle knowing it, had oft times chid him
for it, telling him that one time or other he would have his Pocket
pick’d and lose it; he would not take any warning, but still replied he
would warrant none could pick his pocket, so that his Unkle the Judge
did wish many times that he might lose it; and so be broken of that
foolish vainglorious humor. Our Cheat being now in Prison, his
Companions, who were all Workmen in the same Trade, were very much
troubled at his loss, because he would have done them much service, and
to be so taken up for so trivial a matter as a pair of Boots much vexed
them, and they knew there was no recovering him without the Judges
favour; they therefore resolved to put themselves in the best Equipage
they could, and go to him, accordingly that night they went, and told
him they were humble Petitioners to his Honour, for a poor friend of
theirs whom his Honour had commited about a pair of Boots, and they
hoped his Honour would release him; because they very well knew he was
wrongfully accused, being a Gentleman by birth, and of a very good
House, _&c._ To this the Judge gave ear, and told them that he very well
understood the quality of their friend; and theirs also, but, said he,
for once I shall pass by this business upon one Condition; to this they
reply’d, any Condition he pleased; he then being resolved what to do,
commanded all his Servants and Attendants out of the Room; and told them
he well understood their qualities, and had occasion to make use of them
in an Affair, telling them that he had such a one his Kinsman, who
carried a Purse of money in his Pocket, now, said he, I would have some
of you to follow him, and get it from him, and bring it to me untouch’d,
and then I promise not only to pardon you, but also to deliver your
friend to you: They hearing the Judges Proposition, star’d one upon
another, not knowing what answer to give, wherefore he again told them
that this he expected from them, or else their friend should suffer,
they thought fit to answer him with silence, and so departed; when they
were gone, they consulted together what was to be done, and believing
there would be no great difficulty nor harm in the doing it, resolv’d to
effect it accordingly: And therefore the next morning they waited at the
Judges Door, and seeing his Kinsman, they found means to perform their
Enterprize, and got the Purse of Gold without any considerable
difficulty, and forthwith pretending business to the Judge, they
delivered it to him; he nodded them an answer, advising them to come to
him in the evening; they did so, and he gave them a Discharge for their
friend; but that he might do equal justice, he commanded them to pay the
Shoemaker for the Boots, and gave them a piece of Gold to drink; they
very thankfully received it and did accordingly. The Judges Kinsman
being now come out of the Court had occasion for moneys, but seeking his
purse found he had lost it; this perplexed him to the heart; but
although the loss was considerable, yet the vexation that his unkle must
know it was more; he was exceeding melancholly and discontented; and his
Unkle enquired and sent for him, yet he would hardly come into his
presence: his Unkle knew well enough what disease he was sick of; but
however he asked him again and again what he ailed? and what was the
matter? he still answered him with silence, and turning away his head.
Supper time being come, they sate down together, but the young man would
not eat a bit; what will you eat? said his Unkle, nothing, said he: go
fetch me a dish of Partridges, said the Judge; it is a dish I know you
love: the meat was brought, but the young man could eat nothing: you
shall eat, said his Unkle before you rise, and I will have a dish shall
please you; and therefore, said he to the waiters, go bring up the Dish
I commanded should be last brought up; they thereupon went down, and
brought up a dish covered; come Cousin, said the Old man, eat some of
this; I cannot said the kinsman, you must and shall, said the Unkle, and
I pray uncover the dish and serve me some: the young man seeing his
Unkle so importunate, and believing because the dish was covered, that
it might be a dish of stew’d apples, resolv’d to uncover the dish, and
satisfie his Unkle by eating a little of that; wherefore at his Unkle’s
importunity he uncover’d the dish; when he beheld instead of stew’d
apples there was a better sort of fruit, it was his own Purse of Gold;
he no sooner saw it: how, said his Unkle, I told you I would please you
before you did rise from supper, and I think I have done so. The young
man smiling thanked him, and then reaching to the dish of Partridges, he
fell too lustily, and did eat as hearty a meal as ever; thus did the
recovery of his Purse of Gold recover his stomack, as indeed I think it
would do any others, it being to him and all others as good a Sawce as a
Cordial. And now although the young man was well enough pleased that he
had recovered his purse, yet he was vexed that his Unkle should thus
discover his folly, and studyed how he might be revenged on his Unkle;
he knew very well that his purse was taken from him by some cunning
cheat, and that by his Unkles consent; and it was not long e’re, upon
enquiry, he found out the manner, and also the People who did it; he
gave them therefore a piece to drink, and told them that he would give
them twenty pounds more, if they would do him one piece of service; they
seeing there was money coming, promised him to do any thing in their
powers; he then told them that it was indeed a high attempt, but he
would pay them as largely, and save them harmless; and this it was, he
would have them pick the Pocket of the Judge as he sate on the Bench:
they told him it was both difficult and dangerous; as for the
difficulty, said he, I’le make such means that one of you shall come
near him, and for the danger, I will take of his anger, and pay you as I
have said: to this they at length consented and the next day put in
execution; for when the Judge was most busie in examining Witnesses, he
that was the Artist that was to perform this, approaches the Bench: the
young Man sitting next the Judge his Unkle, beckons the Pick-pocket, and
he comes up, and under pretence of whispering the young man in the ear,
he pickt the Old Mans Pocket, and carryed off the Purse cleverly; when
he had so done he descended, and stood among the other Spectators. In
short time after the causes were heard, and one man who had laid long in
prison, only for his fees, petition’d the Judge to mitigate and lessen
them that he might be able to pay them, where’s the Jaylor? said the
Judge; here my Lord, said the Jaylor; what Fees do you demand of this
poor man? said the Judge; twenty shillings my Lord, if it please you,
and it is no more than your what Lorship order’d me at the lowest; then
said my Lord, you must have so much; I cannot help it; I must not make
Laws one day and break them another, I had rather pay the money out of
my own purse than do so. His Kinsman who sate next him, thought this was
a very good opportunity to speak, and therefore thus he said; May it
please honour; I had good Fortune yesterday as your Lordship knows, and
therefore am resolv’d to do some charitable Act, and I think this of
releasing this poor Prisoner who lies for his Fees, will be none of the
least: wherefore whereas your Honor motions paying all this poor mans
Fees, I make this offer, that if you please to pay one ten shillings, I
will pay the other, that the poor man may be discharged: a very good
motion, said the Judge. The young man soon found the way to his Purse,
and pull’d out an Angel; but the Judge although he searched both
Pockets, could find neither money nor Purse, he was therefore much
surprized not knowing what to say, nor think, but quickly recollecting
himself, thus he spake, I am sure, my friends, when I came in hither I
had a Purse of money in my pocket, but now I cannot finde it, he that
hath taken it from me while I was here sitting, was his Crafts-Master,
and very bold, but I question not but I shall find him, I have so good
skill in Physiognomy, that I know a Knave by his looks, therefore I
desire you all there below to look on me, every one did so, expecting
what the Judge would do, who by and by whispering to the Justice that
sate next him, at length arose, and said, look you Master Justice, if I
am not deceived, yonder fellow with the straw in his beard hath my
Purse; all the People stared one upon another, and the Cheat that had
the Purse being conscious of his guilt, doubting he was known to the
Judge, and that he had a straw in his beard, he lifting up his hand
stroaked it to wipe it away, supposing by that means to pass
undiscovered, but that discovered him; for the Judge who had a quick
eye, and expected that motion, saw, and observed it, thereupon pointed
to him, saying, that is he: it was now too late to fly, for the Jaylor
soon seized him, and upon search found the Purse in his Pocket. The
Purse was given to the Judge, who told out ten shillings to the Jaylor
for the Poor mans Fees, and ordered him to discharge him, and in his
Room to take away that bold Delinquent that had pick’d his Pocket; he
did so, neither did his kinsman contradict him in the open Court, but
when he came home he told him all the management, and desired a
discharge for the Prisoner; the Judge knowing that it was done but in
jest, granted his discharge, and the Kinsmen sent that, and the promised
twenty pounds, and Fees for discharge of the Prisoner.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XV.

_The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he
  brings a Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with
  Mistress_ Dorothy _relates to her; how he by pretending to be a
  Cunning-man and raising a Spirit, had furnished himself, his Landlord
  and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which had been provided at the
  Cost of another._


Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at the
first obstructed in their designs by their Companions Imprisonment, they
were at a loss, and they got little money this bout but what the Judge
and his Kinsman gave them, and the people who were present at this bold
adventure of picking the Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious
of their own, and for the future had some what more than ordinary to
talk of; but mine Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made
rare sport with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath
receiv’d satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the
other, by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow
Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one half;
but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so they ended
in drink, and spent all they had received at our house, and thus ended
the adventure of the boots. Mistress _Dorothy_ now stopping, and we
thereby finding that she had concluded her discourse, we took the
liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she had told us, and therefore
desired her to give her self the trouble to relate some more adventures
to us, but she told us in plain terms that she had done, and that we
were to expect no more from her. I hearing her so peremptory in her
reply, told her that we had been very much engaged to her, for the
extraordinary pains she had taken in these several relations; but yet I
must need add this, that as yet she had not fully performed her promise,
for she had promis’d to give us an account of all the family, when as,
if I am not mistaken she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom
I supposed to be very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter;
and therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her
self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were a
little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother, but
after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable, (and
continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and my
leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the same
occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she thus
proceeded.

One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was
acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but
they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost
impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason
of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and
served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but
little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of
the Town. And although many Guests who came to our house saw her, and
liked her marvellously well, (for indeed she was handsom) and would have
made love to her, yet her Mother knowing the danger by her own
experience, watch’d her too narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to
use her best endeavor to preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head
until she should be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had
few Suiters, only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths
mind to her, and having read the famous History of _Tom Thumb_, and from
thence proceeding to _Fortunatus_, and then to the most admirable
History of _Dorastus_ and _Fawnia_, was infected with Poetry and Love
both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really true,
did with himself to be as fortunate as _Fortunatus_ himself, and since
he could not meet with that blind Lady _Fortune_ to present him with
such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover as
_Dorastus_; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting but a
Mistriss who should be his _Fawnia_, he found out our Pretty Mistress
_Peggy_ my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her, but mine
Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have already
related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he made some
addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to more freedom than
any, because the youth was not only indifferent handsome, but rich, and
mine Hostess was pretty free that they should strike up a match
together; I was still desired to keep Company with these Lovers, but I
had much ado to forbear laughing outright when I heard his Courtship,
all his language was Stuff stoln out of the books he had read; and when
he was answered by Mistress _Peggy_, or any question propounded by me to
him in any ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a
Bell-founder, and was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make
sport with him, told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he
would apply his fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised
him to write a Letter to Mistress _Peggy_ in Verse, he thanked me for my
advice, and desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately
home and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for
behold the next morning Mistress _Peggy_ received a Letter from him,
which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced,
conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the words,
but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to you.


    Madam,

  _Ever till I saw thee my heart was still at rest,
  Little did I think one Female could have pierc’t
  Either Heart or Bowels, that on thee doth waste,
  So sad all faint and feeble grow within my brest;
  Alas, it is pity that sorrow to me should come,
  For to tell you the truth as yet I am but very young,
  And to express my self I want a better tongue;
  But I can truly and sadly say that only you
  Are she that hath brought me to grief and sorrow too
  Brave Vertues that are in this lovely Damsel found
  At the first sight gave my poor heart a desperate wound.
  You have my sences very much decay’d
  With love, that at one time they will be all dismai’d
  Long of the tender love that to you I do bear,
  Even now I will make and end my only Dear._

                                                    Your true Lover,

                                                               _L. M._


We all laughed heartily at this non-sensical stuff, and I told mistress
_Dorothy_ that sure she was mistaken in the recital of these verses, and
that they were to be said backwards, for that wayes that she repeated
them I discovered the humour of our Poetical Lover, and Mistress _Peggy_
by my directions returned him this answer.


    Amorous Friend,

_Tis much you should receive two infections at once, the one Love, the
other Poetry, but it is not very strange since they commonly accompany
one another, but i’le assure you ’tis dangerous, for you know the old_
Proverb, _that sad are the effects of_ Love and Pease Porridge; _and
besides Poetry is commonly attended with Poverty, but after a strict
perusal of your poetick Fancies, I find there is no great danger in your
poetick infection, for unless you improve your self mightily it will be
a long time e’re you be a compleat Poet, and since your Poetry and Love
came together, it will be as long e’re you be a compleat Lover; now if
you have still a mind to prosecute these two Designs, of Love and
Poetry, I advise you to make use of some other more fit and sublime
object that may raise your fancy to a higher pitch of eloquence, or at
least wise sense, as you have been in verse. I return this answer to you
in prose, and as you like this you may prosecute your Designs of Love
and Poetry, with some other Object, but I pray give no more trouble to_

                                                     Your Frind,

                                                               _M. S._

This to the best of my remembrance was the answer to our Lovers poetical
Letter, and although what we writ might have been enough to have dashed
the designs of any other, yet our Lover came very confidently that
evening, and thanked his Mistress for receiving his Letter, and
answering it; telling her that he did acknowledge he had not as yet any
great Skill in Poetry, but he had written his best, and intended and
hoped in the next to mend it, and so he proceeded in his troublesome
Love-Suit. Our Cook-maid coming into the room where we were, and having
seen the Love Letter, it being made no secret, told us that she had a
Love Letter sent her not long since, which in her opinion was better
than that; and we believing that there must be somewhat in it worth the
seeing, commanded her to fetch it, and giving it into my hands, I read
these words.

    _Madam_,

_I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness
with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that
the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife
of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you;
let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the
Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being
drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the
Liquor of my Life._

                    Yours more than his own,

                                                         _T. J._

This Letter pleas’d me more than the former, and I told her that her
Sweet-heart was ingenious and witty, for he had courted her in her own
language, and made use of such words she understood, and that in my
opinion it was far better to do so than to be altogether so poetical as
to make mocks of their Mistresses by comparing their fore-heads to
Alablaster, their eyes to Diamonds, their lips to Coral, and such kind
of fantastical similies, our Lover was of my opinion, and was so taken
with the Cook-maids Letter that he desired to copy it, and so he did;
and while he was thus employed, I remembred that I had a paper of verses
that would employ all his senses to understand, and it may be puzzle
him; and therefore fetch’d it, and he having copyed the other lines, I
shewed him these.

  _I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail
  I saw a Blazing star that dropt down Hail
  I saw a Cloud begirt with Ivy round
  I saw a Sturdy Oak creep on the ground
  I saw a Pismire swallow up a Whale
  I saw a brackish Sea brim full of Ale
  I saw a Venice glass sixteen yards deep
  I saw a Well full of mens tears that weep
  I saw mens Eyes all on a flaming fire
  I saw a House big as the Moon and higher
  I saw the Sun all red even at midnight
  I saw the man that saw this dreadful sight._

And most dreadful it was indeed, said our Lover, if it were true, but
however (continued he) the Verses are very good, and I pray let me have
a copy of them; which I permitted him to take; and he read them over,
and over again without understanding the Mystery, but the more he read,
the more he seemed to wonder at the strangeness of the several sights,
and said, sure this is impossible, not at all, said I, and if you will
lay ten shillings to be spent, I will make it out to you before you go,
that all that is there written is very true, and that I have seen it all
myself. I cannot believe it, replyed he, and I am content to lay the
wager, provided Mistress _Peggy_ may be the Judge. Content, said I, and
so the money was laid in her hands, and then I took up the paper and
began to read thus: _I saw a Peacock_, and there I made a stop, and
said, do you believe that? If you do not, I can shew you one in the
yard: Ay, but said he, the Verse is, _I saw a Peacock with a fiery
Tail_, and that is the wager: no, said I, you must stop when you have
red _I saw a Peacock_, and then go on, _with a fiery Tail I saw a
blazing Star_; and I am sure that I have seen that too, for blazing
Stars have all fiery Tails: that is true, replyed he, but I did not mean
to read it so: tis no matter how you meant, said I, but what I read is
true, and by vertue of that I suppose I shall win the wager, but however
I proceeded, and read; _That dropt down Hail I saw a Cloud; Begirt with
Ivy round I saw a a sturdy Oak; Creep on the ground I saw a Pismire,
Swallow up a Whale I saw a Brackish Sea; Brim full of Ale I saw a Venice
Glass_: And so I read on to the end of the Verses, still making a full
stop in the middle of the verse, where the sense required it; thus
making sense of the impossible nonsense: by this time our Lover saw he
was likely to lose his Wager, but however he cavelled at my thus reading
it, and said, I ought to stop only where the rhime ended; but all that
he said signified nothing, for his Mistress did me the justice to award
me the Wager, and accordingly gave me my money, and kept the other
twenty shillings to be spent; neither was the Poetical Lover much
displeased, for he had a very high esteem of the Lines he had,
protesting he would not part with them for forty shillings, and he
questioned not but he should win much money by Wagers he would lay about
them, and being thus satisfied he left us, promising the next night to
return, and then expecting a Colation for the ten shillings he had lost;
and so we were rid of our poetical Lover till the time appointed; which
being come, he likewise came and brought with him a young man, a Soldier
that belong’d to the Garrison in our Town; I knew the man by sight, for
he was very remarkable, it being the general report that he was a
Cunning-man and could tell fortunes, and our Lover brought him to give
his oppinion, whether he should have mistress _Peggy_ or not. We gave
him the ordinary welcome, he coming in company with our Lover we were
the more free with him, who demeaned himself so well that I had a more
than ordinary respect for him, and told him he should be welcome at any
other time; and so our Colation being ended, we for that time parted;
but in short time after he came again, and being as he said, much taken
with my company, desired to take all opportunities of waiting on me: I
seeing no harm in him, and finding that he was none of the pitifull sort
of fellows, but that he was handsom, witty, and above all things that he
wore money in his Pocket, permitted him frequently to visit me, and it
was not long e’re I grew into such familiarity with him, that I obliged
him to shew me so much of his Skill as to tell me my Fortune; he was
surprized at this proposition and made many Excuses, but I grew to that
height in my importunitie that I wearied him; at length he told me that
although all the Town had been mistaken in him yet I should not, and
that if I pleased he would undeceive me, and in short he told me that it
was a mistake to think that he was skillfull either in Astrology or
Magick, and although he had gained some moneys by pretending to be
knowing in that mystery, yet it was no such matter: I supposing that he
only said this to excuse himself, still importuned him in such manner,
that I brought him to this: that provided I would promise him secrecy,
he would discover his whole secrets to me, and thereby make it
absolutely appear that the Town was mistaken: I being desirous of
hearing Novelties, engaged to perform all he desired, and thereupon he
thus began.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover
not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of
this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it
for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of
the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so
doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I
shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require; &
withal I pray do not think, that since I am so easie to discover one
womans secrets, and that of such eminency and one to whom I am so much
obliged, that I should, or may at one time or another, serve you in the
like manner. No Madam (said he) assure your self of the contrary, for
although the woman I am to speak of be so eminent, indifferently
handsom, and one to whom I am so much obliged, yet my acquaintance with
her began after a strange manner, and it was a kind of necessity that
first induced her to permit me the freedom I enjoy with her; whereas on
the contrary, the respects I have for you are of another nature, for my
inclination and affection induce me to pay you all manner of service,
which I am confident will be very lasting. He having made this plausible
speech, thus proceeded.

It is not many moneths since I was first acquainted with this place, you
know my quality is a Soldier of Fortune, and I may reasonably enough
term my self so, being of late some-what favoured by that blind and
inconstant Lady; our Commander in Chief thinking it convenient to draw
us out of the field where we had been all the last Summer, and place us
in Garrisons for the Winter season; it fell to my lot, among other of my
Comrades, to be ordered to be quartered in this Town, where when we
came, we had our several Billets delivered to us, and mine directed me
to the House of the wealthiest Mercer in your Town, where I still
Quarter, and who you know is a Person as eminent for Estate, as any in
the Town, I need not name him, you knowing where I Quarter: it so
fortuned, that the night I came thither first to Quarter, he was out of
the Town, as he had been for some dayes past and was to continue for two
or three more. It was somewhat late when I knock’d at the door, and
therefore the Maid-servant who heard me, ask’d me what I would have? I
answer’d that I was appointed in that House to take up my Quarters. The
Maid soon called her Mistress, and acquainted her with the matter; which
she knowing, thus answer’d me, that she was a young new-married woman,
that her Husband was absent, that she had onely one servant, and that
therefore she could not with any conveniency entertain any man in her
house. I could not be satisfied with this answer, but reply’d that I was
sorry I must be so troublesom, but withal that it was too late to seek
any other lodging; and that my Comrades were all in their Quarters, and
therefore I must unavoidably lye in the street if she did not entertain
me; wherefore I pray’d her to receive me into her house, and put me into
any place she pleas’d, and I promised that I would be as little
troublesome as possibly I could, and therefore I desired her not to deny
that fairly and by entreaty, which she knew I could command. The young
woman, although she was much troubled (believing that I might hinder a
design she had in hand) yet knowing withal that what I said was true,
and that I might command where I entreated, commanded her maid to open
the door, and shew me my lodging up in the Garret. When I was entred the
house, I told her that I was to lodge there, so I desir’d I might sup
with her, (not that I would command it, but that I would willingly pay
for what I had) because it was late, and I had not eaten any thing all
that day. She seemed angry at my proposal, telling me that I was
mistaken if I took her house for an Inn, and if I wanted a supper, want
I must, for I was like to have nothing there but my bare lodging, and
indeed bare I might call it, for it was a most pitiful one, however I
was forc’d to make use of it, and go supper-less to bed. Being thus
ready to dye for hunger, I had little mind to sleep, and therefore I
only tumbled and tossed without so much as closing mine eyes together.
After I had lain an hour in this manner, casting mine eyes about the
Chamber, I perceived some light which came through a Chink or Crevis in
the floor, and my curiosity inviting me to it, I leap’d out of the bed,
and laying my eye to the place, I might perceive under me a room very
well furnisht, wherein was a great Fire, two Spits, of roasted Fowls,
the Maid turning them, and the young Woman, the Mistress sitting in the
arms of a young Fellow a Lawyer, who to me appeared to be so by his
Gown. How! said I to myself, is this the Woman that in her Husbands
absence will not receive a man into her? Oh the unconstancy and
subtility of Women! this I thought, but however I believed it was not as
yet time to speak out; but being very hungry, I beheld the Spits with
some anger, and devoured the Fowls with my eyes; I had the patience to
see the Supper dress’d, though I was not to be a Guest; and though I
could not taste, yet I could smell the Victuals: I saw the Table spread,
the Bottles of Wine brought out, & the Victuals placed on the Table, but
just as they were going to sit down, one knock’d at the door; this
somewhat startled them, but their confusion was greater, when the Maid
asked who was at the door, understood it was her Master. They were all
frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the
victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little
Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length they
laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were placed in
a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman sitting down by
the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling and knocking, was
let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from her seat, and cryes
out, Oh dear Husband! Wellcome home, how glad am I to see you,
especially in coming sooner than I expected. That is true, said the good
man, I made haste and dispatched my Business, which being done, I took
Horse and made all possible speed to come home to you, and indeed, I
have rid full speed all this day; And very welcome you are, said she:
But how come you to have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love,
said the Wife, I am troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made
this fire to warm Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me;
and truely I think that this pain hath taken me with vexing at a
paultrey business that happened this night; for here came a Soldier and
said he must, and would quarter here, and it hath so angred and griev’d
me, to think that a man must lodge here in your absence, that I think
truly it hath brought my paine. I hearing this, thought it would be
convenient for me ere long to appear, and therefore put on my Clothes,
but still I gave attention to the end of their discourse, which was thus
continued: Said the Husband, well, let that pass; but I pray let me have
some Supper, for I have made such haste to day in travelling to come to
you, that I am almost dead with hunger, wherefore I pray give me some
Victuals. Victuals, replyed the woman, where do you think I should have
it? Do you think I make feasting in your absence? Alas, my maid and I
supp’d to night with each of us a Roasted Apple, I am sorry for that,
replyed the Husband, and am very loath if I could help it, to go to Bed
without a Supper, but what cannot be cured, must be endured. I hearing
this, and believing it to be very proper for my design, being already
dress’d, went down stairs, and knock’d at the door, which opened, I
entred, and saluting my Landlord, prayed him to excuse me for disturbing
his Wife, who had indeed refused to entertain me, till I had acquainted
her with my Orders, which, lest he should distrust any thing to the
contrary, I then pull’d out and shew’d him, and told him that I hoped
his Wife could not complain of any incivility I had offered her. No
truly, reply’d she. I having satisfi’d him in this, I told him that I
understood that he had not supped no more than I, and therefore if he
pleased I would give him and his Lady a Supper, for I had it in my power
to accommodate them very plentifully. How is that possible? reply’d my
Landlord, since it is so late, and nothing is to be had in the Town, and
besides that it will be too late to dress any thing. I bid him take no
care for that, but if he pleased he should be provided with victuals
ready dresed provided he and his wife would both promise me secresie;
they told me that they would do so, but he wondred, and she seemed to do
so too, at what I intended to do; whereupon I told them I had a
correspondency with Spirits, who would furnish me with what I desired,
and thereupon taking a piece of Chalk, and making a Circle I Placed
myself in it, made certain Figures about it, and taking a Staff in my
hand, waved it about my head, and then I uttered many words which were
onely conceited fustian stuff, which they understood not, nor I myself
neither, and then proceeding I named a Spirit, and told him that he must
quickly provide me a Supper for myself, my Landlord, and his Lady. I
seemed to listen, and then told them that my Spirit was obedient, and
nothing was wanting now but to know what they would have; I asked the
question, but they answered, What I pleased: Bring then, said I, a
Boyl’d Hen and Bacon, a Couple of Roasted Capons, a Dozen of Partridges,
two Dozen of Larks, a Pippin Tart, with Oranges and Lemmons, and Fruit
sufficient; Also bring us two Bottles of Canary and two of Claret; this
was the Victuals I had seen provided, and therefore this I call’d for;
and withal, said I, I charge thee not to appear in any horrible shape,
so as to frighten my Landlord or Landlady, but dispatch quickly and set
all down in the Closet of this Chamber. Having thus finisht my
Inclination and paused a little, now, said I, open the door and there
you shall see I am obeyed. The maid readily did as I commanded, and all
was there in ample manner ready dress’d, to the great astonishment of my
Landlord, but my Landlady, though she seem’d to be amazed, knew well
enough that she was discovered, but as yet could not disaprove of what I
had done. The meat being produced, the Table was spread and the
provision placed thereon, and now all things being in readiness, I
desired my Landlord and Landlady to take their places; at my request
they did so, but my Landlord was mighty unwilling to eat, until he see
me eat and commend the Victuals and Sauce, and I importuning him to
taste, he did so, and my Landlady by his example consented to accompany
us in the same employment: Having now done with one Dish, and my
Landlord finding that to be good, by my example fell to another, and
though he was somewhat cautious, yet he made a good Meal; I am sure I
did not spare, but fed like a Farmer, and my Landlady was not at all
behind hand, she well enough knowing, that though I told them it was
dress’d under ground, yet she could contradict me but she durst not; the
maid had her part too, and all were well enough content, except the poor
Lawyer, who was both hungry and fearful, lest as I had discovered the
meat, I would also discover the Caterer, but I minded no such matter, I
thought as I had begun well, so to end, and I would not be so
discourteous to him to make him fare ill, when by his means I had fared
so well. We not onely eat lustily, but drank off our Wine cheerily,
which was as good as ever tipp’d over Tongue, and for us three there was
enough; and now at last my Landlord did own that the Meat and Sauce,
Bread and Drink were all excellent good, and that if the Spirits could
command so good Fare, they were more harmless and better company than he
thought for: I told him my Spirit was still in his house, and expected
my further Commands, therefore I desired to know whether he would have
ought else e’re I discharged him? He told me, No: Then, replyed I, he
shall descend; but since he hath done us so good service, I will, if you
please, let you see him. Oh by no means Sir, said my Landlady, fearing I
would discover her greatest Secrets. Rest contented, replyed I, for I am
Master of more discretion that to disoblidge a Lady; assure your self it
shall be otherwise than you imagine: my Landlord too was very fearful,
but I assured him there should be no cause, and thereupon for the more
easie management of what I intended, I ordered the Servant-maid to open
the Street door, and all the other Doors of the House, that the Spirit
might have the more freedom to depart, otherwise I told them he would
raise a Tempest; and, continued I, he shall not appear in any horrid
form, but in the habit of one of your Neighbors; having told them this,
I thus began: Oh thou Spirit, who hast been unexpectedly disturbed, but
hast so plentifully catered for us, come forth for I now give thee leave
to go whither thou pleasest. The Lawyer who was but in the next room,
and who had heard all passages, was not so sottish as to neglect this
opportunity, but pulling his Hat over his face that he might go
undiscovered, came forth of the room where he had been hid, and with a
steady pace walked by us, going down stairs, and so leaving the house,
whilst my Landlady in a trembling manner sate and beheld what had
passed.

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                               CHAP. XVI.

_The Souldier is in danger to be caught by his Landlord in his
  Landladies Chamber, but by her wit he escapeth. Mistris_ Dorothy
  _relates that a parcel of Padders having rob’d a Knight of four
  hundred pounds, two of them are taken, but the Knight will not swear
  absolutely against them, because he might sue and get his Money of the
  Hundred where he was rob’d. A Crew of Pick-pockets wanting money, two
  of them pretend to be drunk and quarrel with the third, wherefore
  these two are put into the stocks, and getting company, the third had
  the opportunity of picking many Pockets._


The Lawyer having thus pass’d by us to the amazement of my Landlord, he
then look’d on me with somewhat a distracted countenance, his wife
seeing that, and doubting that he had or would discover the matter; to
divert him from any questions or considerations, pretended to be so
mightily amaz’d & frighted, that she fell into a swoon, and then her
Husband, the maid, and I had enough to do to bring her again to her
self, neither could we do it so well, but that her Husband was forced to
help the maid to carry and put her into her bed, where for that night I
left them and went to my own, and now my belly being full it was not
long ere I fell asleep; awaking the next morning I began to consider
what had passed, and wondred at my self how I had the confidence to
manage an affair so difficult and dangerous, but when I considered what
I had done I resolved to proceed, and as I knew the secrets of my
Land-lady, to make some use of that knowledg, and out of her misfortunes
to make my self a fortune therefore I recommended my self, remembring
the old saying, _Audaces Fortuna juvat_, Fortune helps the bold, and
therefore I would try her favours, considering that she could do me no
injuries, I could not be much lower than I was, and I was in great
probability to rise higher by the prosecution of this Adventure. I did
not question but I should do well enough with my Landlady, for I had not
at all disobliged her in betraying her secrets, but rather mannaged them
as well as she could wish or desire, and therefore she could not take me
for a Clown or Fool, but rather think me worthy of her favour, and into
her favour I was resolved to get, or venture all; she was young, and as
you know indifferent handsome, her husband was old, and I believe
wanting in what most pleases a woman, and therefore she had permitted
the young Lawyer to supply that Defect, and considering that I might as
well as he pretend to her favor, for I was as young, and (if I am not
mistaken) as handsom; indeed he had this advantage, of having more money
than I, but I question’d not but she would well enough dispense with
that, she being out of possibility of wanting any, but rather able to
supply me; and I had this advantage above him, that I was in the house,
and likely for some time to continue there, and by that means I might
make use of all opportunities, and indeed it was not long ere I had one;
for I having spent good part of the morning in these congitations, I
could hear my Landlord rise and go out of the house, wherefore I also
arose and made my self ready, and indeed I spruced my self up in the
best manner I could; being now ready I went down stairs, and met with
the Maid-servant, who could not look on me without blushing, I gave her
the Good morrow, & asked her how her mistress did this morning she
replyed, something better than I left her last night. Truly replyed I, I
am sorry that she was so ill, but more especially to consider that I had
been the occasion of it, but I would study how to make her amends, & at
present I desired to make my excuses to her, if she would shew where she
was: she is not yet stirring, said the Maid; that matters not, said I,
and thereupon we went to her bed side; where when I was come, she seeing
me turned away her face: but Madam, to make short with my story, I spake
to her, and that in such manner, that she not only turned about, but
gave me thanks for the favors I had done, in managing her secrets with
so much discretion, and that she was, and should be eternally obliged to
me, and should study how to make me amends: I replyed, amends was
already made in the good opinion she had for me, desiring her to
continue in it, and I should endeavour to serve her in all things to my
power; and since it was her misfortune to be disturbed by her Husbands
unexpected return, and be disapointed in the enjoyment of her Friend,
that was a thing I could help, but however, if she pleased to accept of
me in his stead, I should give her the best satisfaction I could, she
seemed to be angry at this proposal, but I proceeding and telling her
that I was a Gentleman born and bred, and it may be in all things equal,
if not above her Friend; she was content to let me kiss her, and I
finding that I might without much difficulty proceed further, sent the
Maid out for a Mornings draught, and in her absence perswaded her to
accept of that from me which she should have had from her Friend the
Lawyer, had not her Husband disturbed them; and I then pleased her well,
that ever since she hath made no difficulty to let me enjoy her Person,
and be Master of that as well as I was of her secrets; and being thus
possessed of her person, I not only commanded that but her Purse, and
have led the pleasantest life in the World. This Adventure, Madam was
the occasion of my being accounted a Cunning-man, for my Landlord,
though I had enjoyned him secresie, yet he did not absolutely keep it,
but acquainted some of his familiar friends with my knowledg, so that I
was in short time pointed at as I passed along the street, and gazed at
with the eyes of wonder; nay some of the Neighborhood courted me very
earnestly to answer them several questions, and being often importuned,
did give them such answers as might probably come to pass, which falling
out accordingly I gain’d not only the reputation of a cunning man, but
my pockets were also indifferently well lyned with Half-crown pieces.
Thus had I a handsome enjoyment of money and pleasure; for I was free
with my Landlady, and very little suspected by her Husband; but I was
one time near being caught by him, and thus it was. He was not only well
stricken in years, but by an accident some years past, had lost one of
his eyes, or else he would have espyed us; for one day he being abroad,
and I being desirous to toy with my Landlady, we in order thereto entred
her Chamber and lay down on her bed, we had not long been there but we
heard a noise, and the maid-servant looking to see what was the matter,
came hastily in to us, and told us that her Master was coming up stairs;
she had hardly delivered this unpleasant message, but he was come up
stairs and was entring the Chamber, but he was not so quick, but his
wife and I were as nimble, and were got upon our feet, and she running
to the door caught hold of her Husband about the Neck and cryed out, _Oh
Lord Husband, how dearly welcome you are to me! especially at this time,
when I so longed to see you._ For what cause, said my Landlord? what is
the meaning of this language? Oh dear Husband, replyed she, I have been
asleep on the bed, where I had the pleasantest Dream that I have ever
had in all my life; nay, (continued she) it is more than a Dream, for it
is a Vision, and I hope a true one: well, what is it, said he? Why
truely Husband, said she, methoughts you and I were walking along
together in a pleasant Field, and we met with a man that begged an Alms
of you, which you very liberally gave him, and he being glad of your
liberality told you, that he would recompense it by restoring you the
sight of your other eye: Methoughts I was very joyfull at this
proposition, and desired him to do it, but you were doubtfull of his
performance, and therefore unwilling to let him meddle with you, but he
promising and assuring us that he would certainly cure you, I perswaded
you to permit him to wash your eye with a certain Water he had in a Viol
about him, which he had no sooner done, but methoughts you saw very well
with your blind eye, at the sight of which I was so over-joyed, that I
awaked, and you then came up stairs; and now Sweet-heart I am so
confident of the Truth of my Dream, that I desire to experiment the
same, and therefore I pray let me put my hand on your seeing Eye for a
tryal. My Landlady having done, her Husband replyed, Surely you have not
been asleep as you say, but talk idly for want of sleep, or else you
would never make so foolish a proposition. I know not, reply’d she, but
I must needs desire you to give me satisfaction in this particular, for
I long to try it. Well, said he, that you may see how much a fool you
are, I am content. She having liberty, clapt her hand on his seeing Eye,
and I who waited that opportunity needed no further instructions what to
do, but coming from behind the door where I had stood, with long strides
and easie, went out of the Chamber, and going down stairs left the
House: She seeing me gone, and thereby her business being done, asked
her Husband if he saw any thing? No, said he, but if you will remove
your hand I shall see a fool; she did so, and told him that she was
satisfied, but hoped it had been otherwise: And thus, continued the
Soldier, we escaped this brunt, as we did many others. And now Madam,
said he to me, I have been very free in relating to you the greatest
Secrets of my life, having so much confidence in your discretion, that I
shall run no hazard in your knowing it, but hope as I have been free
with you, so you will be so generous as to acquaint me with your quality
and condition, and permit me to serve you in all I can. To this request
I answer’d, That indeed I was not of that Countrey, but another, and
upon an urgent affair was some time since come from _London_, whither I
have a desire to return; so have I, said the Soldier, and if you please
to accept of my service, I shall gladly wait on you thither, for I have
so much respect from my Captain, that I question not but he will not
onely give me leave to go, but also give me a Pass to secure me thither.
I hearing him say so, told him that I would take such order in my
affairs, that I hoped in one months time to be ready to be gone, and
then I Should be glad of his Company. This was the discourse I held with
the Soldier, who was indeed very civil with me, spending his money
freely as often as he came into my company. I being resolved to leave
this place, took order to get into my hands what moneys I had, which I
had lent out to sufficient persons in the Town, which was in short time
paid me; but very strange Accidents happened in our house before my
departure, which made me hasten it, and which were thus: I have already
told you that our house had been a Receptacle for Cheats and
Pickpockets, who by degrees coming to be Thieves and High-way-men, they
still frequented it, and mine Host who seeing he gain’d moneys, cared
not much which ways he came by it, made no great scruple of Conscience
to entertain them, who indeed were very good Customers, and spent equal
to the best Guests we had, and he might do that with them he might not
with others, for they were bound to believe and pay all that he
reckoned, although never so unreasonable, so that he had an equal share,
if not more, of all the Prizes they made, some whereof were very
considerable; for a Knight of _Yorkshire_ having occasion to travel our
Road was set upon and rob’d by six of our Guests, he had onely Himself,
Wife and Daughter, Coachman, and one Horseman, this was his Company, but
the Prize was considerable, being four hundred pounds in money, besides
Watches, Rings, and other Jewels: Our Crew of Padders, although at first
they were severe enough in searching them, and stripping them of all
their Money and Jewels, yet dealt civily enough with them (if I may term
Thieves to be so) before they parted, for the Knight seeing it was in
vain to resist, and being too weak to do so, permitted them to take all
from him, but when they came to his Lady and had taken her little Money,
and proceeded to take her Rings from her Fingers, he was troubled, and
told them, that he hoped as they had found him civil to confess and
deliver all he had to them, and which he said was very considerable, so
he hoped they would not use any violence to his Wife and Daughter, in
taking their Rings from them which were inconsiderable, and might happen
to be prejudicial to them, in discovering of them to the Law. They, who
knew he said right, not onely desisted from proceeding against the
Ladies, but also gave him his Watch and Rings and all the odd Money they
had taken from him, contenting themselves only with the four hundred
pounds, and giving him an Oath that he, nor none of his company should
remove from that place for half an hours time, that they might have
leisure to escape; they left him. He was as good as his word and staid
out his time, and they with full speed rode to our Town, and at our
house took up their Quarters: They no sooner entred the house, but they
first deliver’d their Money to the custody of mine Host, and then called
for a Trunk wherein was their Clothes, for they had always Change of
Clothes lay there, so that in a quarter of an hours time these six
Blades of Fortune were so metamorphosed that they were not to be known;
he who when he came in had a black Perriwig and grey clothes, now had a
white Perriwig and black Clothes, and by that and pulling off Patches
and such like Disguisements, they were not to be known; for if a _Hue
and Cry_ coms out wherein is named the number of the Robbers, they
cannot distinguish or describe them otherwise than by their Clothes and
Horses; and as for their Habits they thus alter them, and their Horses
are presently either sent to Grass, or lock’d up in a private Stable,
and their Sadles and other Accoutrements are convey’d away and lock’d
up; and commonly if there be six or eight in a Robbery, not above the
one half, or three quarters of them go to one house, but divide
themselves into Companies untill the _Hue and Cry_ shall be over, and
then they meet and divide the Booty: This is their common practice when
a Robbery is done at any distance from _London_, but if it be done
within twenty miles of that place, then away they all flie thither, and
enter the City at several ends of the Town, and to several Quarters they
at present disperse themselves; this I say is their custom. I told
Mistress _Dorothy_ that I was very well acquainted with the Truth of
what she had said, and therefore desired her to proceed and acquaint me
how their Guests came off with their Prize; Very well, said she, for the
_Hue and Cry_ came not to our Town till the next day; and by that time
two of the six were gone, having taken their shares with them, and the
_Hue and Cry_ having passed about the Town it came to our house, where
the Officers failed in their Enquiry, for it nominated six, whereas our
Company was but four, and the Description of the Persons and their
Habits was so different from what our Guests had, that there was no
reason in the world to suspect them, and as for their Horses they were
not to be found, so that, I say, our Guests all escaped, and for joy
feasted and drank very highly, but in two days time their Joy was
lessen’d; for a trusty Messenger came to them and brought sad Newes from
the other two of their Companions, which was, that they were taken,
apprehended, and upon examination found so guilty, that they were sent
to Goal. Our Guests were very much surprized at the news, & upon
examination of the perticulars, thus they found it: The Knight who was
robb’d having staid in the place the time he promised, that being over,
he caused his Coachman to drive on to the next Town, where when he came,
he sent for the Town-Officers, and inform’d them of his Loss, and withal
told them that he must, and did expect satisfaction from them, and the
rest of the Inhabitants of that Hundred, because he was robb’d two hours
before Sun-set: They who heard him knew he said right, and that it must
be so, unless they produc’d all or some of the Felons, and had them
try’d and found guilty at Law, wherefore the Sum being considerable, and
the Case so evident and plain to be proved, they presently took an
account of the Knight of all particulars of the Robbers in the best
manner that he or his servants could direct, and having so done sent out
a _Hue and Cry_, directing and charging the Officers to use all possible
diligence in the discovery of these Fellons: but they miss’d of their
purpose for that day, but the next it was the misfortune of those two of
our Guests who had left our house to come thither, and being now again
upon the Pad, were accoutred in their Padding Habit; although they were
but two, and the number in the _Hue and Cry_ was six, yet their Habits
and Horses were so remarkable that they were soon suspected, and the
officers seized them quickly, hailing them before the Justice, whither
when they were come and examined, they could not answer so well, but
that they were shrewdly suspected; but to make the matter more clear,
the Knight and his servants who were still in the Town, were sent for,
and then it was not long ere the matter was but too plain for our two
Delinquents, especially when upon search of their Portmantua’s their
share of the Money was found, however they stoutly denied the Fact; but
notwithstanding all that could be said, they were sent to Prison. This
News alarmed our Guests, and made them bethink themselves of what should
be most necessary for their own preservation, and thereupon they thus
resolved, that two of the four should go near the place where the Knight
was, and observe his motions, and according to that act their matters as
should be convenient, and the other two resolved for the present to stay
at our house: but this Case which now at the beginning appeared to be
very bad and sad for their two Companions, in the end by the cunning
managment of the two Agents came off much better than was expected, and
indeed very well; for they understanding that the Knight was engaged by
the Justice to prosecute, and that the Countrey would see that he should
do so, whereby they might be discharged from payment of the money he was
robb’d off; This consideration being had, they resolved by some trusty
Messenger to send to the Knight, and therefore they drew up a Letter to
this purpose.


_That they were Gentlemen of a good Extraction, but the misfortunes of
times, and their own Necessities, had put them upon a Course of life far
different from their Inclinations; which, although it was not
justifiable by Law, yet they thought it not so unreasonable as the World
did, and they had plenty of Examples for their Practice, the whole
Nation being now engaged into Parties, who under fair and specious
pretence made it their business to Rob (which they termed_ Plunder _)
one another, especially the harmless Countrey, and that so often as they
should come in their way: This they said was the president by which they
walked, and by vertue of this Commission (which they believe as
Authentick as some of theirs who levyed great Forces,) they had taken up
Arms, and their good fortune, and this present mishap, had caused them
to meet, where, although he was dispossest of his Money, yet they were
confident he had no very ill opinion of them, in regard they had used
him and the Ladies in his company with all civility; this they hoped he
would not forget, and for that consideration he would deal as civilly
with their two Companions, who had the misfortune to fall under the
power of the Law. This they thought was reason enough for them to Expect
all favour at his hands, but there were also other reasons for him to do
it, and that which they thought would be the most prevalent, was, that
it was against his own interest to prosecute their Companions; for
should he at the approaching Assizes so absolutely charge them with the
Fact, as to bring them within the compass of the Law, and it may be take
their Lives from them, then he must expect no other satisfaction, but
lose his Money: whereas on the contrary if he and his servants spake
doubtfully in their Evidence against them, and they were not proved to
be guilty, then he might by Law recover his whole Money of the Country.
This they hoped would be a prevalent reason with him to order the matter
so as to let their Companions escape, which they prayed & hoped he would
do: but if (as they thought against all reason) he should rigorously
prosecute them, he was to remember that four of their Companions were
still left at liberty with swords in their hands, and his misfortune
might again bring him under their power, when he might not expect so
civil proceeding against him as he had the last time, but that they
might revenge their Companions, but they concluded they hoped he would
not give them that occassion._ And so they concluded.

This Letter was carefully conveyed to the Knight, who having read and
consider’d the Contents, and finding their reasons to be good, and
withal considering that if he should by his Evidence cast these two men
for their Lives, he was not sure of his own so long as they had
companions, (who though at the first he found civil enough) who had
swords in their hands, and might be revengeful and bloody-minded enough
on that occasion; neither, as they had urged, would it be for his
interest, for he must then lose his Money, or the greatest part. These
reasons, I say, made him to manage the matter so as that upon Tryal they
should be acquitted, and therefore he sent to the Prison a Confident of
his, to tell them that he would do so, charging them to deny the Fact &
stand upon their justification; And thus the Assizes coming they were
indicted, but the Knight & his Servants (who were directed and
instructed by him) were all in one Tale, & said, that indeed he was
robb’d of four hundred pounds at such a place & time, by six men, two
whereof were in such habits, or like such as the prisoners at the Bar
had, but that he could not for all the world swear or say that they were
any of the persons. He saying no more than thus, and by his example his
Servants saying no more or less, & the Prisoners pleading Justification,
they were in the end acquitted, had their Money again deliver’d to them,
and the Knight now proceeding in his Suit against the Country, recover’d
his whole Moneys of them; and thus our two Prisoners with their two
Comrades who had attended the Tryall, came home to our house with great
joy. And thus did Thieves escape, and the honest Countrey was punish’d,
and this I have known is a trick that hath been used familiarly; so that
several Countreys have been almost undone with these kind of Robberies.

Soon after this passage, there happened one as pleasant, thought not so
roguish, and thus it was: A Crew of Divers, Bung nippers, or Pick
pockets came to our house, and there being a Fair in the Town they
brought home very good Purchase, and spent their moneys very freely, but
their trade did not continue so good as it began, and they in expenses
were so profuse and prodigal, that they had out-run the Constable, spent
more than they were able to pay, and they were always us’d to pay their
Host well, and so they were resolv’d to do now, or set their Wits on the
Tenters; many Projects they had, and many Essays they made, some of them
going abroad by turns, and then returning and sending others, but our
Town was but thinly peopled, and they could not raise any considerable
Purchase, wherefore knowing that if they could get any number of people
together, they might then have the more convenient opportunity of
getting a Prize, they therefore thus laid their Plot; Three of them went
out, two whereof were to act the drunken mans part, and so they did very
Comically, for they reeling along the streets, tumbled down several
people who were in their way. The people believing them to be what they
appear’d, _viz._, drunk, let them pass on without much interruption;
their sober Companion seeing that no body else would take them up, he
therefore was resolv’d to do it, and thereupon meeting them as by
chance, they gave him the Justle, which he not taking so patiently as
the other had done, not onely worded it with them, but they proceeded to
blows, so that two being against one it was thought unequal, and they
having been abusive to others, a great company were assembled, and among
them the Constable, who seizing upon all three carried them before a
Justice, who hearing the matter, and finding by the testimony of the
people who went with them, that the two were wholly to blame, and
believing them to be as drunk as they seemed to be, he therefore ordered
that they should be set in the Stocks for two hours, and the third be
discharged. This his Order was obeyed, and they were conducted to the
Stocks, where they behav’d themselves so pleasantly in foolish discourse
to the people, that a very great number of people were about them; their
Companion who was at freedom seeing his conveniency, and being his
Arts-Master in the Mystery of Diving, fished money out of their pockets,
so that in two hours time that they were in the Stocks, he plyed his
work so well that he had gained near seven pounds; being thus fraighted,
he came to our house, and it was not long ere his Companions followed
him; when they finding so considerable a Purchase, paid my Landlord the
Reckoning and call’d for a new one, where they drank roundly, remembring
all those by whom they fared the better; and then having done the
business they came for, they paid their Shot and march’d off to the next
Town to see if they could fare any better than they had done at ours.
And these, continued Mistress _Dorothy_, were the Guests we now
entertained, _Padders_ and _Pick pockets_, who as they got their money
easily, so they spent it as lightly, to the great profit of mine Host,
for he gained at least fifty pounds of the four hundred, and still put
in for a share: but as the Pitcher goes not so often to the water, but
it comes home broken at last, so in short time not onely his Guests, but
he himself was caught and brought to condign punishment.

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                              CHAP. XVII.

_The Author relates a Story how he and six other Padders robb’d a
  Carrier of six hundred pounds, and that one of the company in
  consideration of an hundred pounds paid him by the Countrey where the
  Robbery was committed, owned the Fact, and thereby saved the Countrey
  (who were sued) from payment of the rest, and at length by their
  assistance gained his pardon. Also how a young Pick-pocket is put on
  by an old one, to cut an old womans Purse whilest she is at prayers in
  a Church-yard by a Tomb-stone; the Boy performs the Exploit, but is
  discover’d and shew’d by the old pick-pocket to the people, who coming
  to stare on the Boy had their Pockets pickt by the old one and his
  companions; And also how an old Padder being in danger to be hang’d
  for a Robbery, a young one for fifty pounds took the Fact upon
  himself, discharged the old one, and in the end came clearly off
  himself._

I Finding by Mistress _Dorothy’s_ pausing that she was somewhat weary of
her large Discourse, and being desirous to know the conclusion of her
Adventures, desired her to refresh her self with a Cup of Wine which
stood by us, and then we all three, _viz._, Mistress _Mary_, Mistress
_Dorothy_, and my self, having drank off a quart of the best, I thus
bespake her; Truly Mistress _Dorothy_, you have taken much pains in
reciting these pleasant adventures that befel whil’st you liv’d in the
Inn, and you must needs have very great experience by what you have
related; for although I was well acquainted with knaveries and rogueries
enough whilest I lived in _England_, yet all our adventures are very
new, being such whose like I have seldom heard; and although I did
follow the _Padding_-Trade, especially at that time when I had the good
fortune at the first to meet with, and be acquainted with you, yet I
seldom knew, nor indeed ever heard of the like escape that your six
_Padders_ had; it was a neat and cleanly conveyance: but lest you should
be tyred with too long speaking, and that I might enable you the better
to give us a full and exact account of the rest of your adventures, I
will relate to you some of my former Adventures, and especially one,
which was somewhat like that of your six _Padders_, and thus it was.

A stout gang of us who were _Knights of the Road_, were one time
assembled together at an Inn, from whence we understood a good round Sum
of money was to be carryed, and we only waited the departure and motions
of the Pack-horses, that we might put our project in execution, the Sum
was six hundred pounds, and we knew it was to be carried in a pack, but
which pack and which horse was to carry it, we were ignorant of, and
that we doubted would be a hindrance or at leastwise a trouble to our
design; for the Carrier having such a charge of money was resolv’d to
travel only by day light, and not in the night time, whereby if it
should happen he were robb’d, he might not bear the loss; and we knowing
this, and doubting that he would keep in as much company as he could, we
fear’d it would be troublesome and dangerous to rob him of that money,
unless we knew in what pack it was; for it would take up much time to
cut up and examine all the rest of the Packs, which were near twenty in
number; wherefore one of our Comrades made it his business to discover
that matter, but although he was watchful, yet the Carrier and Owners
were as shie, so that he could not possibly attain to his desires;
wherefore he was resolv’d to under-feel the Hostler, who upon a little
acquaintance and a Reward given him, and more promised if the project
should take, engaged to give him a certain Token how he should know the
Horse and Pack, and to that end directed him to wait the next morning
early when the Pack-horses went out: Our Companion did so, sitting in a
Drinking-room in the Yard where he could see all passages. The Horses
being loaded, went out one after another, and the Moneyed-horse in the
middle, when he came the Hostler lifted up his hand, and gave him a Clap
over the Buttock, saying, _Goe thy ways_ Dun, _for thou wilt never be
sold to thy worth_: This was _Item_ enough to our Companion to mark, and
know what he had to do; so that the Horses being all gone, and he having
dispatcht his drink, came up to us who attended him; And then he telling
us that he knew how to execute our Design, and that he had knowledge
enough, we rested contented, neither did we leave that Inn till noon,
although the Carrier went out in the morning early, and this we did that
we might not be suspected to have any design upon him, but soon after we
had din’d we all mounted and away we rode. It was not many hours before
we over-took the Carrier, or at least came near him, and then we sent
one of the company to scour the Road, and discover in what condition the
Carrier was in, and as occasion serv’d to come back to us and acquaint
us; one hour before night he came to us, who were not far off, and told
us, that then was the opportunity, for the Carrier had engag’d company
all the while before, but now the night coming on, and the Company being
to travel further than the Carrier, they had newly left him, and then he
was alone, onely with his man and two or three passengers; we being
eight in number, quickly made up to the Carrier, and one with Sword
drawn and Pistol cock’d seiz’d on him, another on his man, and the rest
of our Companions on the rest of the Passengers; he of our Companions
that knew the Horse and Pack onely went to him, singl’d him out, cut his
Girts, ripp’d up the Pack, and took forth the money, without medling
with any thing else; we the rest of his Companions in the mean time had
dismounted the Carrier, his man, and the Passengers, and having tyed
their hands, we left them to shift for themselves, and six of us taking
each of us a hundred pounds, and the other two riding one in the Van,
and the other in the Rere, away we march’d, but at that rate that in two
hours we were got thirty miles from the place where the robbery was
committed, and we had so cross’d the Country to prevent discovery, that
it was almost impossible to overtake or finde us. We took up our
Quarters at an Inn where we were very well acquainted, and for joy of
our purchase wanted for nothing that money could produce us, and there
we spent some time in all manner of delights, till being weary of the
place, and some of the Company having a desire to depart and separate,
we accordingly did so; and one of our Companions who had occasion to
ride that way where we committed this Robbery performed one of the
boldest exploits that I have ever heard of, and thus it was.

He had an Uncle who kept an Inn in the Town near to the place where this
Robbery was done, to whose house he came & was welcom’d; he pretended he
was a Soldier, and was newly come from the Garrison at _Bristol_, and
with such kind of imaginary Stories he discours’d his Uncle, and telling
him the best news he could, and his Uncle likewise acquainted him with
the news of the Town, and as the chiefest told him that there had lately
been a great robbery done, for a Carrier was robb’d of six hundred
pound, and therefore it being done in the day time, that Town must pay
for it, and truely Cousin, said he, our Town hath been so mightily
pestred with Soldiers that we are very poor and not able and my share
comes to thirty pound of the money: but said our companion, can you not
meet with the thieves? no replyed his Uncle; we have offered a hundred
pound, to any that can discover them, but hitherto all hath been in
vain. This was the Hosts discourse with his Kinsman, who very well knew
he was one of the number; and a conceit came into his head, that it was
possible that as he had got almost a hundred pounds already by this
robbery, so he might get another whole hundred pounds; and therefore
being resolved what to do, he thus discovered himself to his Uncle: it
is now said he, three years since I left my Father, and ever since that
I have led a troublesome life, so that I am almost weary of it; and it
is not long since that for a misdemeanor I had done in our Garrison, I
was condemned to be hang’d, but I thank my stars I escaped it, and being
so near death and escaping, I soon after came acquainted with a cunning
man, who telling me my Fortune, told me that I had lately escaped a
danger, which I very well knew; and he withal added, that I should run
into many other dangers, and should escape them; and that he was certain
I was not born to be hang’d: and now therefore Uncle said he, I will
once again tempt my fate, and being assured that I shall not be hang’d,
I care not, if I may be ensured the hundred pounds you spake of, if I
take upon me and own the Robbery; and I think it will be no difficult
matter to do, for as I remember one of the Gentlemen Padders who did
that feat was habited and mounted just as I am. His Uncle having heard
his discourse, stared at him, and asked him if he were mad? no, replyed
he, but if you will warrant me the money I’le undertake the matter: his
Uncle seeing him thus resolved, began to consider a little more
seriously of the matter, and told his kinsman, that if he would do the
one, he would not only ensure him of the other, but also endeavour his
pardon, and thereupon he sent for some of the Neighbors whom he might
trust; and told them that there was a wild young man his kinsman, who
would save them five hundred pounds, and told them the manner how, they
were well enough satisfied with the proposition, and not only promised
him the money which was agreed on, should be presently put into any
friends hand, but also that they would undertake his pardon, or at
least-wise a reprieve that he might sue out his pardon; this being
agreed upon, they next proceeded in their discourse how this affair was
to be managed, and after several propositions made, it was concluded,
that as he came into the Town, so he should go out, and the next day he
should re-enter the Town when the Officers who should be then appointed
to search for suspitious persons should seize on him, and he should at
the first deny the fact, but upon examination should so vary and waver
in his discourse, that he should give just cause of suspition; they
having agreed on this, and several other particulars, and the money
being deposited in a young maidens hand, who was his Uncles Daughter; he
took horse and privately left the Town. The next day the Officers of the
Town being charged to keep strict watch, and search all suspitious
places; they did so, and as they had been a little way out of the town,
and were returning our Adventurer overtook them; who rides here says
one, sure that man is cloathed just as the Carrier described one of the
Padders were? he hearing them say this, made some stand, and offered to
turn his back, they therefore imagining that he might be suspected,
asked of him what he was? and came near to encompass him, he still
withdrawing drew his pistol and fired at them, they then staring on each
other, and seeing that none of their company was kill’d or wounded, were
encouraged to make up to him; and although he drew his sword yet they
being armed adventured upon him, and seizing on him, pull’d him from his
horse back, he then asked them, what was the matter, and what they would
have? they told him that he was a high-way man, and that they were very
certain of, or else why did he shoot at them, and were glad they had
caught him, he should pay for all the trouble he had put the Town to;
some railed at him in this manner, whilst others disarmed him and bound
his hands together, and then they led him away to the Town, where with
great noise they carried him before their Justice of the peace; he
strictly examined him and absolutely charged him with the former
Robbery, advising him to confess, and inform against his companions, and
then he told him he would endeavour to get him a pardon: our adventurer
gave him the hearing of all, but denyed all knowledge of the robbery,
but so faintly and with such faultering and uncertainties, that the
Justice committed him to prison. In few dayes after the Carrier came
that wayes, and he was conducted to the Thief, were after a light sight
and discourse with him, he and his servant remembred him, and the Owner
of the money was sent for who was also carried before the Justice; and
there he, the Carrier and his Servant were all bound to prosecute the
Felon, which was much in the vexation of the owner of the moneys, who
expected the next assizes to have a tryal against the Town, and to
recover his money of them, whereas now he saw he was like to lose that,
and only have an Endictment against the Felon, when as if he should find
him guilty, it would be a little satisfaction for such a sum of money as
he had lost. And as he expected, and as the plot was laid, so it fell
out; for the Assizes being come, an Endictment was brought in against
our Delinquent, and although he buss’ld to defend himself, yet he was
found guilty, and then he made an ingenious confession to the Judge of
the manner of the Robbery, only concealing as much as he thought
convenient, alleadging that indeed he was guilty, but it was his first
fact, but he was drawn in by chance being overtaken on the way by the
Robbers; he being coming to the Town to visit his Unkle, and therefore
he pray’d mercy of the court, the Judge told him that if he would
discover his companions somewhat might be done, but not else, he
replyed, that truly he was not in their company, above eight and forty
hours in all, and therefore knew not of their haunts, but if his honor
would spare his life he would if ever he met them, cause them to be
apprehended; to this the Judge made no Answer, so that our Adventurers
Uncle presented a Petition to the Judge in behalf of his Kins-man, and
the other Chief men of the Town pretending for his Unkles sake to do so
assisted him in it, and they drew the Petition so pitifully, that the
Judge at their importunity granted him reprieve for the present, leaving
him to sue out his pardon as fast as he could: and thus all Parties were
content except the owner of the moneys, who went away with a Flea in his
ear: and our Adventurer so plyed his business, wanting for neither money
nor friends, that in short time he gained his pardon, and he was set
free: and I will add this further of our companion, that after this he
turned honest man, for by virtue of the money he had gained in this
robbery, and what was given him, he first set up an Ale-house, and soon
after an Inn, and hath born all Offices in the Parish. And this story,
said I, Mistress _Dorothy_, somwhat resembles yours, for your Thieves
cheated the Country who paid the Knight what he had lost, and here on
the contrary, the Country outwitted the Party rob’d, and saved their
purses; and truly I have known several of these transactions, and
sometimes the guilty escape, and the innocent are punished. And now,
continued I, Mistress _Dorothy_: you see I am acquainted with these kind
of stories and as I have already related one of a Padder, which do
somwhat equal yours, I will now also tell you another of a Pick-pocket,
which shall be much like yours of that nature, and thus it was.

A Crew of Blades of that Profession came to a Countrey-town on a market
day, and finding there was little good to be done without some occasion
to draw the People together more than ordinary, they therefore went to
an Ale-house to consult on what was necessary to be done, and there
after several debates held, it was concluded as follows, that whereas
they had lately taken up a boy of about ten years of age, who was very
desirous of learning their mystery, and whereas they had instructed him
sufficiently in the theory thereof, that it was now time to put him in
practice, and therefore the gravest man in the company was to walk out
with him, shew him what he was to do and help him if he stood in need
thereof, and the rest of the society were to be at hand to do as
occasion should offer; this being agreed upon, the old fellow took the
Boy by the hand, and leads him through the Market, but there was no
probabillity of a prize; and the Boy having promised to do much, the old
man sought out for some what that might be worthy his undertaking, and
so going out of the market they entred the Church-yard and there they
saw an old woman with a great pouch of mony by her side, kneeling by a
Tomb-stone and doing her devotions: Our old fellow seeing this, said to
the Boy, Sirrah, you see that old woman with the Pouch; yes Sir, replyes
the Boy, go thither said he, and bring away her Purse and money; the boy
was not at all daunted at the boldness of the undertaking, but went up
to the woman, and so soon as he came near her, he likewise fell on his
knees, and fell a mumbling as if he were also at his devotions; the old
woman seeing him so devout, permitted him to continue by her, but he
putting down one of his hands by virtue of a Knife and Horn-thimble cut
off her Purse: The old man stood not far off and saw his carriage which
was so cunningly contriv’d that he could not forbear laughing at it, but
bethinking him of a further Design, he was resolved to discover the Boy,
whereupon stopping some passengers that were going by, he said to them,
I pray friends behold yonder Boy how devout he is, do you not think he
will be a good one in time that is so religiously given already? yes
surely, said the people, Oh the cunningness of the young Rogue! said the
old fellow, and how much you are all mistaken for I have stood and seen
that young Rogue cut the old womans Purse, and thereupon he went to his
young practitioner in Roguery, and took him by the hand causing him to
arise, and bringing him to the people, shewed them the Purse he had thus
purchased; the old woman was not so intent at her devotions, but she
casting her eyes aside likewise saw a Purse in the Boys hand, missing
her own soon knew that to be it, wherefore she and all the people came
nearer the Boy, who stood still as a stock and said nothing to them, and
all the people, not only they that went by, but also at their report
most of the people in the market came thither to see this young Rogue,
admiring at the boldness of the fact, but they had been better to have
staid away and minded their own Affairs; for our old Rogue seeing his
opportunity, and that now there was a great many people together, he
fell a diving into their pockets, and got good Pillage, and his
Companions who were not far off at the noise came in to the sport, and
all laid about them so lustily that there were few who escaped without
their pockets being pick’d, onely the old woman had her purse again, but
in exchange of that our old Rogue and his Companions had twenty others
better fraught with moneys; in fine, they being weary with looking on
the boy, & the Pick-pockets thinking they had done sufficiently for that
time, the old fellow came to the boy, and told him that as he had first
of all discovered him, so he should go along with him; the boy who had
learned obedience to his Superiors, consented, and so they march’d off,
and went a little way out of the Town to an Ale-house, where they
divided the plunder of the field, which amounted to above twenty pounds.
And thus having told my Tale, I said to Mistress _Dorothy_ that I
thought this was somewhat like her discourse of the Pick-pockets. She
told me she must needs confess it, and that both my Tales exceeded hers,
and therefore she desired me to remitt her promise of proceeding any
further in her discourse; for, said she, I shall be able to acquaint you
with nothing but what you know already; as for that, said I, I must hear
the conclusion of your story, but since you seem to prove of what I have
told you, I shall proceed a little further, and relate a Story to you
somewhat like my first, and thus it was.

A High-way-man who had used the Trade for a long time, was at length
catch’d, and the evidence was so clear against him that he was likely to
be cast, and then he was sure to go to pot, for he had been singed on
the Fist already, and the Judge who was to try him was very severe on
that account; wherefore he was very melancholly, and much perplexed, and
all the friends he had could not comfort him; however he was one day
drinking with some friends in the Jayl, and telling them the sadness of
his condition, and several ways were propounded for his safety; they
told him that it would be best to compound the fact with the Prosecutor;
I have offered that, said the Felon, and though I did not take above
twenty pounds from the party, yet I have offered him fifty pound for
composition if he will forbear prosecution; but he will not hear of any
thing but the Law, and will make no end but what that shall, and if it
comes to that, then I am certain sorrow will be my Sops; how, said one
that was present, will he not take fifty pounds for twenty? sure he
wants no money, for if he knew the want of it so much as I do, he would
not make so slight of fifty pounds; but I pray, continued he, what is
the reason he is so outragious against you? what is the cause of his
violent proceeding? Truly, reply’d the Thief, it was my misfortune to be
one of those two that met with him one night, and he having twenty
pounds and a Watch about him we eas’d him of them, my Companion escaped,
but I was seized the next night on suspition, and having besides my
share of the twenty pounds the watch about me which we had likewise
taken from him, it was as he said, a clear Testimony & evidence of the
Fact, he earnestly enquired for the ring which my companion had for his
share; & because I cannot help him to the ring he is thus obstinate,
well then, I see said the other, you have confess’d the fact, &
therefore there is no hope of saving you: truly replyed the Padder, I
never yet confessed it to any one that I think will do me any prejudice,
but much less to him; but instead of confessing I have always stoutly
denyed it, alleadging that I bought the Watch that Evening of one in
whose company I was; nay then, replyed the other, your case is not so
desperate as I thought it, and how say you now, continued he, are you
willing to be as good as your word, and give the fifty pounds you speak
of to be discharged of this matter? yes with all my heart, said the
Padder; well then said the other, if you will deposite the money into
another mans hands that I may be sure of it when you are discharged I
will undertake you shall be acquited; content, said the other, but I
pray acquaint me with the manner how you will manage this affair; our
Undertaker replyed, that he had considered of what was to be done, and
was resolved so he might be sure of the money, to venture his own neck
to save the others, and that he would take upon him the fact, and
thereby discharge him. The Padder was content to part with his money,
but withal he desired to have some cleer demonstration how he intended
to manage the business; to which our undertaker replyed, it must be your
care not to be tryed till the last day of the assizes, and then still
deny the fact very stoutly, continuing your allegation that you did buy
the Watch of a stranger, but one whom you knew if you again should see
him, and then I must borrow your Clothes, and the Perriwig you wore when
you committed the Fact, and then I purpose at that time not to be far
from you; and when I see a convenient time I wil appear, & the manner
shal be thus: I will attempt to pick a mans pocket, but I will do it so
unworkman like, that if he be not a very Dolt he shall discover me, I
being discovered must presently be brought before the Judge for the
Fact, and when you see me there you shall cry out as amazed and
surprized, that I am the very man of whom you bought the Watch, and you
shall then see that although I deny it a little at first, yet I will at
last confess my self guilty, and so you shall be discharged: This, said
our Undertaker is my proposition, and now if you can contrive it better,
do, and I will follow your directions. The Padder and all his friends
were hugely well satisfied & pleased with the Undertakers discourse, and
could not find any fault in any particular, wherefore their Agreement
was quickly perfected, and the fifty pounds were delivered into the
custody of one whom they both knew and entrusted, to be kept by him
until the Padder should be discharged. Several persons then present
asked of the Undertaker how he intended to come off himself? as for
that, replyed he, I have it in my head, and I will venture that, and
keep it safe enough too I hope: this business being thus agreed on they
at present parted, and the Undertaker had the Clothes and Perriwig of
the Padder delivered to him; and the Padder did put himself into a habit
quite different from that; Thus Affairs stood when the Assizes began,
which lasted two days, onely the first day was past, and our Padder had
by his endeavours kept himself from being called; the second day was
come and forenoon past, when in the after-noon this Cause was to be
heard; the Judges servant were some of them gone out of the Town to make
provision for their Master at another Town, whither he was that night to
follow, so that there was a necessity for his removal; & then about
three of the clock this prisoner was brought to the bar, his Indictment
was read, which was for robing the Countrey-man, of 20l. in money, and a
silver watch, and a gold Ring, to this the prisoner pleaded _not guilty_
and so put himself upon his tryal, according to the ordinary form; then
was the Countryman called, who did alledge that the prisoner at the Bar
was the party, who with another his companion did rob him as aforesaid;
the prisoner denyed the fact, and desired the Judge to ask his accuser
what habit he was then in, to this the Countrey-man replyed, that indeed
his habit and hair were then different from what he now had, but that
was an easie thing to alter, but he was sure he was the man, for he had
his very watch in his pocket, to this the prisoner replyed as formerly,
that he bought it of a person who indeed was habited as the Country-man
had described. He was come to this part of his tryal when a noise was
heard in the Court of crying out a pick-pocket, a pick-pocket, and soon
after our undertaker was haled into Court; the Judge seeing him, said,
Sirrah, how durst you be so bold? I shall talk with you by and by, set
him by at present; the prisoner at the Bar seeing it was now a fit time,
cryed out, O my Lord! I pray let him stay here now, for indeed my Lord
that is the very person of whom I bought the watch, and whose just fate
hath brought him hither at this time, that my innocency may be cleared,
therefore I beseech you my Lord, let him be examined, and I question not
but you will soon find my innocency. The Judge hearing the exclamations
of the prisoner, and supposing there might be somewhat in the case, and
withal being desirous to execute justice caused the Undertaker to be
brought to the bar, and then he thus began: now, you who are the
prisoner at the bar, and upon your tryal, what do you say to, or charge
this man with; my Lord replyed the padder, I say and alledge that this
Person who now stands here by me, is the very person of whom I bought
the watch, and I gave him fifty shillings for it, let him deny it if he
can, and my Lord I further say, that I suppose he is the person who
committed the robbery, for he is habited just as this Country-man
described one of them to be: what say you to this: said my Lord to the
Country-man, truly my Lord, said he, I am somewhat at a stand, for
indeed one of those who robb’d me was habited as this fellow is,
pointing to the undertaker, but I finding my Watch in the custody of
this other did verily believe and was very confident that it was he that
robb’d me, but I must leave all to your Lord-ship and the Jury: Now, you
Sir, said my Lord to the undertaker, what say you for your self? did you
sell a Watch to this man here? my Lord, replyed he, I have never a
Watch, no, I know that now, said my Lord, but did you not sell a Watch
to this man? my Lord said the undertaker, I am an honest man, that’s a
sign of your honesty, when you pick a pocket in my presence, my Lord it
is a mistake, replyed the Fellow; I believe, said my Lord, we shall not
be mistaken in you by and by, having thus said the Watch it self was
produc’d, and shew’d to the undertaker; and he was asked if he knew it,
yes, my Lord, said he, I had such a watch as this; and where had you it?
I know not said the undertaker: at this the Padder cryed out, O my Lord,
he hath said enough to discharge me and accuse himself, for he ownes he
had the Watch, and I am sure I bought it of him, therefore good my Lord
do me Justice? acquit me, and punish him; all in due time said my Lord,
we must not condemn him before he be lawfully indicted, but I think he
hath confess’d enough against himself, and therefore he shall be
committed, and since I cannot stay now any longer he shall be indicted
the next Assizes, till then he must lye by it and have time to repent:
but I pray my Lord, said the Padder, let me be discharged; I cannot
discharge you reply’d my Lord, now you are upon your tryal, except the
Jury find you not guilty: I put myself upon them, said the Padder,
whereupon the Jury only asking the Undertaker some questions which he
doubtfully answered, the Jury gave their Verdict, _Not guilty_, and thus
was the Padder discharged, but however he was bound to come in evidence
the next Assizes against the undertaker, and so was the Country-man, but
he had been better to have taken fifty pounds than thus to have troubled
himself about the Ring, for in the end he lost all, and no hanging was
in the case; for when the next Assizes came, and our Undertaker was
indicted, the Tale was now of another Hogg, he denyed all knowledge of
the Watch, and as he had owned any thing before, he now again denyed it,
bringing witnesses to prove where he was at that hour, and all the time
of the robbery, and saying, he told them it was a mistake the last time,
that he was then only surprized; and indeed he spake so well, and to the
purpose, that he was acquitted of the robbery, and only whipt a little
for picking the pocket, and so he march’d off with fifty pounds; and the
Padder who did not appear at the Assizes as witness against him, let the
recognizance go against him, leaving the law to find him where they
could catch him.

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                              CHAP. XVIII.

_Mistress_ Mary _relates a notable story of a Countrey-Gentleman’s
  cheating a Gold smith; another much more remarkable, of a Gentlemans
  Boy by assistance of his Master, who put a notable trick on a
  Goldsmith: afterwards going for_ France, _is notoriously robb’d by way
  of retaliation, the manner how, with his accompanying a seeming
  Gallant to a Feast who steals a piece of Plate._

Having now finished my discourse, I desired Mistress _Dorothy_ to
proceed in hers, and put an end to her Adventures, to which she replyed,
that since I was so well acquainted with these passages, and could
recount things so various and wittily-pleasant, which far exceeded
anything she could say, she desired to be excused from any further
recital; I told her I must needs however, hear what she could further
say, for all she had hitherto said was various from what I had related
to her; and Mistress _Mary_ likewise joyned with me in this request,
telling her that she must needs proceed in her Narrative, for she longed
to hear what was the end of the Host, and Hostess, and how she left them
and came to _London_, and what else had hapned to her till the first of
their Acquaintance. Truly replyed Mistress _Dorothy_, I shall give you
satisfaction to all these particulars; but methinks you were but short
in your Narrative and might have enlarg’d; and since you did as I
believe, omit many passages of your Life that were considerable, I pray
let us hear some of them from you. I must confess, said Mistress _Mary_,
that in the recital I made you of my actions, I only recounted to you
those things which did pertain to my own story, as thinking it
impertinent to relate any others; but if I had thought it pleasant, I
could likewise have told you of some such Robberies and Cheates, as some
of my acquaintance were engag’d in. It is not too late to do it now,
said I to her; and seeing Mistress _Dorothy_ is not yet pleased to
continue her story, I pray you therefore to let us know some of your
experience in this nature. I shall not deny your request, replyed
Mistress _Mary_, and therefore after some little pause to recollect her
self of what she had to say; she thus began.

I must confess that I had several of my Customers whilest I liv’d
publickly at _London_, who although they come to me full, return’d
empty, and then necessity put them upon unlawful courses, and when they
could not live of themselves, then they liv’d by shirking upon others;
this was their first step, and when this would not do, and they began to
be angry and discontented that they could not wear money in their
pockets, they then fell to gameing, and all the Cheats of that Mystery
were put in practice; when that course left them, the next was to pick
pockets, steal Cloaks, and a hundred such kinde of shirking tricks, till
from one degree to another they came to the high pad, and from thence to
the Goal, and so to the Gibbet; many I say, of my acquaintance did run
through all these Courses, and beginning, as they say, with a pin,
proceeded to a point, and so to a biggar thing, till the rope held them;
but I alwayes made it my business to leave them off when they began
these Courses. Among others that came to me, I had a Country Gentleman
who designing to deal honestly with a shop-keeper, had occasion to
out-wit him, who intended to cheat the Country-man. The Countrey
Gentleman when he came to me had his Pockets well lined with Half-Crown
Pieces, but he loving his pleasure I made him pay for it so
considerably, that his Pocket was well near emptied: he had twenty
Pieces of Gold and several Rings, part of which I design’d to be
Mistress of, but he was to wise and wary to part from any such precious
Commodities: but an urgent occasion happening, and mony being wanting,
he was resolved to sell a Diamond Ring that he had, which was worth
fifty pounds, wherefore he keeping a Servant took him along, and to
_Lombard-street_ they went, when he came there, pitch’d upon a
Goldsmiths Shop where he intended to sell it; he therefore drew off his
Ring, and ask’d the Goldsmith what it was worth? The Goldsmith looking
on him, and then on the Ring, did hope to make this Ring his own for a
small matter; and seeing our Countrey-man in a plain Countrey Habit, did
believe that he had little skill in Diamonds, and that this came
accidentally to his possession, and that he might purchase it very
easily, wherefore he being doubtful what to answer as to Price, told the
Countrey-man that the worth of it was uncertain, for he could not
directly tell whether it was right, or counterfeit; As for that, said
the Countrey-man, I believe it is right, and dare warrant it, and indeed
I intend to sell it, and therefore would know what you will give me for
it: Truly, replyed the Goldsmith, I believe it may be worth ten pounds;
Yes, and more money, said the Countrey-man; Not much more, said the
Goldsmith, for look you here, said he, here is a Ring which I will
warrant is much better than yours, and I will also warrant it to be a
right good diamond, and I will sell it you for twenty pounds: This the
Goldsmith said, supposing that the Countrey-man who came to sell, had no
skill, inclination, nor money to buy; but the Countrey-man believing
that the Goldsmith onely said thus, thinking to draw him on to part from
his own Ring the more easily, and by that means cheat him, resolv’d if
he could, to be too wise for the Goldsmith; wherefore taking both the
Rings into his hands as to compare them together, he thus said: I am
sure mine is a right Diamond: and so is mine, reply’d the Goldsmith: and
said the Countrey-man, shall I have it for twenty pounds? Yes, reply’d
the Goldsmith; but said he, I suppose you come to sell, and not to buy;
and since you shall see I will be a good Customer, I will give you
fifteen pounds for yours. Nay reply’d the Countrey-man, since I have had
my choice to by or sell, I will never refuse a good Penny-worth, as I
think this is, therefore Master Goldsmith, I will keep my own and give
you money for yours: Where is it? said the Goldsmith hastily, and
endeavouring then to seize on his Ring; Hold a blow there, said the
Countrey-man, here’s your money, but the Ring I will keep. The Goldsmith
seeing himself caught, flustered and flounced like a mad man, and the
Countrey-man pulling out a little Purse, told down twenty Pieces of
Gold, & said, Here Shop-keeper, here’s your money; but I hope you will
allow me eighteen pence a piece in exchange for my Gold. Tell not me of
exchange, but give me my Ring, said the Goldsmith: It is mine, said the
Countrey-man, for I have bought it and paid for it, and have witness of
my Bargain. All this would not serve the Goldsmith’s turn, but he curs’d
& swore that the Countrey-man came to cheat him, & his ring he would
have; & at the noise several people came about his Shop, but he was so
perplexed that he could not tell his Tale, and the Countrey-Gentleman
could; at length a Constable came, and although the Goldsmith knew not
to what purpose, yet before a Justice he would go: the Countrey-man was
content, and therefore together they went; when they came there, the
Goldsmith who was the plaintiff, began his Tale, and said, that the
Countrey-man had taken a Diamond Ring from him worth one hundred pounds;
and would give him but twenty pounds for it, have a care what you say,
reply’d the Country-man; for if you charge me with taking a ring from
you, I suppose that is stealing; and if you say so, I shall vex you
farther than I have done, and then he told the Justice the whole story
as I have related, which was then a very plain case, & for proof of the
matter, the Countrey-Gentleman’s man was witness. The Goldsmith hearing
this, alleadged, that he believed the Countrey Gentleman and his man
were both Impostors and Cheats: to this the Countrey-man reply’d as
before, that he were best have a care he did not make his case worse,
and bring an old house on his head by slandering of him, for it was well
known that he was a Gentle-man of three hundred pounds _per Annum_, and
liv’d at a place he nam’d but twenty miles from _London_; and that he
being desirous to sell a ring, came to his shop to that purpose, but he
would have cheated him; but it prov’d he only made a rod for his own
breech, and what he intended to him, was fallen upon himself: thus did
the Country Gentleman make good his discourse, and the Justice seeing
there was no injustice done, dismiss’d them; but order’d that his
Neighbour the Goldsmith should have the twenty pieces of Gold for twenty
pounds, though they were worth more in exchange; and this was all the
satisfaction he had. The Country Gentleman went presently to a Citizen,
an acquaintance of his, to whom he deliver’d the ring he had so
purchased, desiring him to sell it for him which he did; for being known
to be a Citizen, the Goldsmith that bought it offered him at the first
word Ninety five pounds for it, and in the end gave him forty shillings
more, with which money he returned to the Countrey-man, and he giving
him the forty shillings for his pains, returned with the rest to me,
relating all the matter as it had passed. I was as much pleas’d as he,
because I question’d not but I should partake with him, and so I did;
for he gave me ten pound to buy me a Gown; and thus was our Goldsmith
well enough serv’d. And it was not long after, before another Goldsmith
had a considerable loss, and thus it was.

Amongst the other Customers that came to me, there was a Gentleman, a
Blade of fortune, who although he was of a good Family, yet being a
younger Brother, had but little besides his wits to live upon; but as he
was a Gentleman, so kept himself in a Garb according to his Quality, and
had a foot boy in a Livery to attend him: this boy was a notable young
Rogue, and had assisted his Master in many an exploit, and was privy to
most of his secrets: this young man (continued Mistress _Mary_) coming
to visit me, and we falling into discourses of wit, I related to him the
adventure of the Countrey-Gentleman with the Goldsmith; he was much
pleased with the relation, and told me the Goldsmith was well enough
served, and that above all trades, he had a greater picque or anger
against them than any; for (said he) it grieves me to the heart to walk
through _Cheapside_ or _Lombard-street_, with little or no moneyes in my
pocket, and see so much jingling of money in their Shops, and so great a
quantity of _Jacobus’es_ and other Gold, either lying in their
Glass-cases, or telling on the Compters, and methinks when I see it my
fingers itch to be handling of some of them; but I believe if a
Gentleman should starve they would not part from any without very good
Security; but (said he) I have now thought upon a way how to get some of
them without much hazard; and I being desirous to know, he told me thus:
my boy and I will walk along; and Sirrah, said he to the boy, when I
make a small stop, do you go into the Goldsmiths Shop where you shall
see them telling of money; and laying your hand upon a heap, catch up a
handful, but so soon as you have taken it up, let it fall down again and
leave it where you had it, and come after me and leave the rest to my
management; the boy promis’d to do as he was directed: but, said I, what
advantage can you make by your boys handling of money and leaving it
behind him? as for that, said he, I question not before I have done I
shall make a good business of it, and thereupon he left me, and went
immediatly to put this his project in execution; he returned that
evening and told me all was well yet, and it would be better in time: I
desired to know his meaning, whereupon he told me, that according to his
appointment the boy went into the Goldsmiths shop, took up a handful of
money, laid it all down again and ran away to him, that he was no sooner
come to him, but the Goldsmiths Servants were at his heels, that he
looking about and seeing them, ask’d what the matter was? they reply’d,
his boy had stollen some money: he answer’d he knew it was false, they
said it was true; and he should go back with them to their Master: the
boy was content, and so was the Master, when coming to the Shop, the
Goldsmith himself said that that Boy, if he were his, had robb’d him.
The Boy and his Master both denyed it, and they fell to hot words, so
that the Goldsmith call’d me (said the Gentleman) Shirking Fellow, and
that he would have me sent to _Newgate_ for robbing him: for if the boy
did it, it was by my appointment: I (said the Gentleman) told him that
he did abuse me, and that in conclusion must, and should pay for it: but
first I desired to know with what Sum they charged the boy; they said
they knew not, but that he had taken money from a heap which they were
telling of, which heap was a hundred pounds; hearing them say thus, I
told them I would stay the telling of it, and then they might judge who
had the abuse: they were content with it, and accordingly went to
telling: half an hour had dispatched that matter, and then they found
that they had all their money right to a farthing. The Goldsmith seeing
this, asked my pardon for the affront: for, said he, it is a mistake: I
answer’d, that he must pay for his prating, and that I was a Person of
that quality that would not put up the affront, and that he must hear
further from me; he seeing me so hot, was as chollerick as I, and so we
parted, and thus far (said he) I have proceeded. But all this while
(said I) I do not see where is your gain: that is to come, said he, and
so it was, and did come in, and that considerably too; for the next day
he caused the Goldsmith to be arrested in an action of Defamation, and
the Sergeant who arrested him being well fee’d by the Gentleman, told
the Goldsmith that he were best to compound the matter, for the
Gentleman was a Person of Quality, and would not put it up, but make him
pay soundly for it, if he proceeded any further. The Goldsmith being
desirous of quiet harkned to his counsel, and agreed to give 10_l._ but
that would not be taken; but twenty pounds was given to the Gentleman,
and so the business was made up for the present. Our Gentleman who had
some of the Goldsmiths money, was resolv’d to have more, or venture hard
for it; wherefore having again given instructions to his Boy what to do,
he made several Journeys to the Goldsmiths, walking by his door to watch
an opportunity, at length he found one; for he seeing the Servants
telling of a considerable quantity of Gold; he gave the sign to his Boy,
who presently went in and clapping his hand on the heap, took up and
brought away a full handful, and coming to his Master gave it him;
neither did the Boy make such haste out of the Shop, but that he could
hear a stranger who was in the Shop receiving money, say to the
Apprentice, why do you not stop the Boy? no, said the Apprentice, I do
not mean it, I know him well enough, my Master paid Sauce lately for
stopping him; and so they continued telling their money, which I am sure
did not fall out so right as formerly; for that evening the Master and
Boy both came to my lodging, and not only told me how they had sped, but
I saw the effects of their enterprize; for this young rogue had brought
off with him between forty and fifty brave yellow pieces; we all three
rejoyced at our good fortune, for I was concerned, having five pieces of
it given to me, I then told the Gentleman that he had run a very great
hazard, and that I did not think he had practis’d these tricks; no
truly, replyed he, this is the first I ever did in _England_, but I have
been abroad in _France_ and other Countreys, where I was acquainted with
rare ingenious fellows at these tricks, and they had notable inventions
to get moneys; and sometimes I would put in as a Party with them, and
from them it was that I learned this confidence: I then desired him to
relate to me some of his practises in those Countreys, he soon granted
my request, and began as followeth.

I had not been long in _Paris_ but I had some tricks put upon me; the
first was this, I endeavoured to appear brave, made a rich Sute and
Cloak, and with this strutted about the streets to shew my self, hoping
and expecting that some _French_ Madam or other would fall in love with
me, but instead of that, some of these Gentlemen _Divers_ fell in love
with my Cloak, and were resolved to have it, wherefore they watched me
one evening and as it growing late I was going home to my Quarters
passing through a blind Lane where was nothing but back doors of
Gentlemens stables; three fellows seized on me, one dives into my
pockets, whence he fish’d out all the little money I had about me, which
amounted to above thirty shillings _English_, another draws his knife
and cuts the Neck-button of my Cloak, and the third takes off my hat; I
had not lost all my spirits, so that I told them they did very uncivily
by me to take away my hat, and leave me to walk without one; they begun
to swear at me and forc’d me to entreat for my hat, and withal
considering that the loss of my Cloak would spoil my Suit, I told them
that I hoped as they were Gentlemen, so they would hear reason, and
offered if they would put any price upon the Cloak I would redeem it;
they thinking money would do them more good than the Cloak, told me that
if I would give them five pounds, I should have it: the Cloak stood me
in ten pounds, and therefore I was resolved to give them five pounds,
therefore I desired them to name the place and time when I should meet
them with the money; they answered me the next evening about that time,
and in a place there adjoyning in the street; but they told me that if I
thought by that appointment to bring any with me to catch them, that
then they would mischief me; I promis’d them that I would not, and so we
departed, but withal they were so civil as to give me my Hat along with
me; I went home to my Lodging, and though I was vexed at my misfortune,
yet I was forced to rest with patience till the next evening when
putting the promis’d money in my pocket, went at the time to the place
appointed; I had not staid there long but I heard the noise of a Coach,
and on a sudden two men came out at the boot, and seising on me muffled
me in one of their Cloaks and put me into the Coach; this done, the
Coach-man did drive on apace, and I was in but bad taking to think what
a case I was in, and did verily believe that those fellows who had the
last night taken my money and Cloak from me, had now a Design upon my
life, and therefore were come themselves, or had sent some of their
Companions, to rob and kill me, I had not continued long in these
thoughts but the coach stopt, and I was taken out of it, and being
carried into a Court-yard, was unmuffled, and led into a great Hall,
where I was met by those three who had the night before Dis-cloak’d me;
they told me I was wel-come, and that what had been done to me that
evening was only to prevent their being out-witted and discovered by me,
and withal, as I was a stranger, to treat and entertain me amongst them;
I hearing that it was no worse Pluck’d up my Spirits and answer’d them,
that I was resolv’d to be in every thing as good as my word, and
therefore came alone to the place appointed, and had brought my money
with me; they then led me through the Hall into an adjoyning Wardrobe
which was full of Cloaks, Gowns, Hatts, Swords, and all such kind of
Habiliments, and among the rest I saw my Cloak, wherefore I told out the
money and took my Cloak, put it on, and went into the Hall amongst them,
there I was welcomed by several of the Gang and they had women amongst
them, who all looked on me with a cheerful countenance, & treated me
very civily. This they all desired of me that if I intended their
friendship and my own safety, I must not take any notice of them before
any company, or if I met them abroad; I promis’d to perform this
Injunction, and so we went to supper, after that to dancing, and spent
three or four hours in very pleasant manner, and then several of them
departing I thought it was time for me to do so too, but I believed it
would be convenient to ask leave before I went; wherefore I told those
whom I best knew, that I was amind if they pleas’d, to go home; they
told me that I might do so, but it must be in the same manner as I came;
I consented to it, and two of them going into the Coach with me, hid my
face for a short space, and then let me see; but I quickly perceived
that I had gone through several By-lanes and passages, and at length
came to the place where I had been taken up, and there they set me down,
and the Coachman whirling about left me in a moment; I therefore went
the ready way home to my Lodging, where I went to bed and consulted with
my self about this Adventure, not having known or heard of the like; but
it was not many days before I was engaged in another which was as
strange as the former. Although I was in a strange Countrey, yet I had
some acquaintance whom I visited sometimes; One day being solitary a
walking, I met with one of these of my acquaintance, he saluted me very
courteously, and told me he supposed I was minded to break off the
friendship we had lately contracted because I had been so great a
stranger at his house: I replyed, that I intended suddenly to give him a
visit; I pray then, Sir, said he, let it be to morrow, the sooner the
better, for I have a great desire to converse with you; and Sir, said
he, if you have any friend bring him with you, and for your sake he
shall be as welcome as your self; I replyed, it was very likely that I
should wait upon him, and thus we parted: I remember since that about
the time I met this friend, I was overtaken by a gentile fellow, who had
followed me like my shaddow, and during the time of this converse he
waited as I did, and now I being parted from my friend, and having
walked a little faster than before, I had dropt my Gentleman who
sauntred behind. The next day about the time that mortals whet their
Knives on Thresholds, and Shooe-soles, I prepared to go to dinner to my
friends, and again by the way I was accosted by this gentile fellow, who
had the day before followed me, and now he did so again; and when I came
to my friends house and entred, there he did so too, and with as much
confidence as if he had been of great acquaintance with the Inviter; he
sate down among other Guests that were there, Dinner was soon after
brought in, and there being several Guests much victuals, and much
variety was served at the Table, my strange Gentleman did eat as
heartily and talk as boldly as any there, and I thought him to be one of
the Inviters acquaintance, and he supposed he was my friend which I had
brought with me; but he proved to be very no good friend to the man of
the house, for waiting his opportunity he went to the Cupboards head
which stood in a convenient place, and clapping a piece of plate worth
ten pounds under his Cloak, he walked off _incognito_. I soon after
missed him, and my friend missed my friend as he told me, but it was not
much longer e’re the Plate was missing, and although private search was
made, yet it was not found, and our friend being gone, the Inviter
missing none of the Guests but him, asked me for him, but when I told
him he was no friend nor acquaintance of mine, he soon knew which way
his Plate went. Thus (said he) he thinking him to be my friend, and I
thinking him to be his, this fellow had the conveniency of doing this
injury; but, continued he, I soon understood that it was a usual matter
to play such pranks and that more considerable, and that withal a very
bold confidence, unusual with other Nations, and upon second thoughts I
remember I had seen this fellow among those who had my Cloak, but it was
too late now to remember it, and it had been unsafe then to have taken
any notice of him, remembring the Charge had been given me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Illustration]




                               CHAP. XIX.

_Two notorious Rogues robb’d a Church by the help of two Fryers habits
  they had murther’d; afterwards they robb’d a Merchant of Silks, Plate,
  &c. By a notable stratagem they laid for the purpose in an Inn next
  adjacent, they ransack’d a Linnen-drapers Shop in the night by
  conveying a boy into it being enclos’d within a supposed Bayl of
  Goods, who proved the Key to let them in to perfect their design; by
  counterfeiting a Gentlemans key, they stole from him six hundred
  Crowns, and murdering him flead his face that he might not be known,
  but were notwithstanding by a miraculous providence discovered and
  executed, who being penitent at their death, confest many notorious
  villanies. A notable trick a Gentleman puts upon a Pick pocket._


Thus (continued Mistress _Mary_) did this Gentleman finish his two
stories of the Cloak, and the piece of Plate. I told him I wondered at
the boldness of those _French men_, and that they exceeded our Countrey
men in confidence; yes, (said he) if you knew so much as I, you would
have reason to say so, for it is a usual thing for them to seize
Gentlemen if they can light upon them in any convenient place: and carry
them some miles out of the Town, and make them pay money for a ransom,
neither dare they contradict it lest worse befal them, and they are
bloodily minded, for if they cannot get money, they will do any murder.
Not far from _Paris_, continued he, two of these Rogues had been hunting
for Prey, and because they could not meet with any purchase, they were
resolved rather than fail to commit some murder; the next that met them
were two Fryers, these having no money to redeem their lives they
dispatched into the other world, and having so done, they stript them;
and put on their Fryers weeds; being thus habited they march’d further
into the Country, and coming late to a Countrey-town, went to the
Parsons house, who entertained them; as they came in late, so they went
out early, pretending necessary occasions, and the Parson not being up
nor willing to rise so soon, they desired the Key of the Church (which
was adjoyning to the house) that they might go it to do their devotions
before they went? the Key was accordingly delivered, and they went in,
but instead of saying their prayers, they made a prey of what they met
with, the silver Chalices, and all the Ornaments of the Church they took
with them, and so went on their wayes to do more mischief, but not
having the conveniency to execute their designs in the habit they were
in, they therefore went to the place where they had hid their own, and
there putting them on, they march’d to _Paris_, where they walked about
the City to espy what mischief might be done; being now both weary,
hungry, and thirsty, they went into a drinking house, which being full
of Guests below, they were conducted up one pair of stairs, and there
they had both victuals and drink such as they desired, when their
bellies were full, their eyes did wander about the Room, to see if they
might espy any thing to make a purchase of; but although they could see
nothing in that room, yet they could discern that in the house opposite
to them, there was much rich Goods, fine Silks, and Sattins; their
fingers itch’d to be handling of them, but at present they knew not how,
however resolving that they would attempt it, but not finding any means
how at present to do it, they therefore were resolved to try if they
could take up their Quarters at the house they were drinking in, and
then they did not question but they should in short time find out some
means to execute their Design, having taken this resolution, they
therefore call’d for more drink, and their Landlords company, and being
frolick, and expensive, that they might be accounted good Guests, they
asked of the Landlord whether they might not have a Lodging there? he
believing it would be to his profit, told them they might, but they must
lodge one pair of Stairs higher; they were well enough content with
that, and therefore drank on till it was night, and then to bed they
went; and laid their plot how to rob this Merchants house, which they
did in few days after: In order to which Design of theirs, they went out
and purchased Ropes, and a Pully, and seeing a large Chest to be sold at
the second hand, they likewise bought that, and putting in their Ropes
and Pully, and a great quantity of Raggs and stones, and such like
Trash, that it might seem heavy, they caused it to be carried to their
Lodging: Their Host seeing so large a Chest, and so heavy, did believe
that his Guests were rich, and that a considerable quantity of Treasure
was therein enclosed, and therefore gave them a greater respect than
formerly. They every day when they went out, carried out part of the
Rubbish which they had bestowed in the Chest, so that in short time it
was empty, or at least, nothing but the Ropes and Pully was in it: They
only now waited for a convenient opportunity to execute their design,
which they considered must be done when both the houses, as well that
where they lodged, as the Merchants house they intended to rob, were
empty; and no day was so likely to leave them so, as a Sunday; wherefore
that they might have the better pretence for staying at home, they both
pretended some indisposition in their bodyes, for which they said they
thought it convenient to take Physick, they had been so good Guests to
the house, that the Host was willing to accommodate them in anything;
however, when he and his Family went to Church, they lock’d the
Street-door: No sooner was that house clear, but they were resolved to
attempt the other, and knowing that the Master and Mistress, and most,
if not all the Family, was likewise gone out, they were resolved to kill
the rest, if they found any single person that should oppose them: They
intended to make their way into the house by going down the chimny, and
therefore they had provided Ropes and a Pully, and there was no great
difficulty to get to the house top, for they ascended to the Garret of
their Landlords house, got out of the window to the top of that, and the
other house joyning to that, to the street side, they soon got to the
Chimny they intended to descend. The house where they lodged, and this
Merchants house were joyned together in the Front, but backwards there
was an Ally of about six foot wide that seperated them, and a cross this
Ally it was that they first saw the Room wherein the Silks were placed;
they being gotten to the Chimny’s top, laid a piece of Timber across,
and fastening their Pully to that, and putting their Rope in the Pully,
the one who was to descend the Chimny, took hold of one end of the Rope;
and his companion holding another part of the Rope, by degrees he was
let down into the Room he desired: It was two pair of stairs below the
Garret, and in regard the Silk might be soild and spoil’d if they were
drawn up the chimny, they did not take that course but a more easie one,
for he that was on the house top, went into their lodging the same way
he came up, and going down into the Chamber that was even with, and
opposite to that where his Companion was, he opened a Casement, and his
Companion doing the like, they could without much difficulty reach to
one another, and so in short time the richest, and best of the Merchants
Silk was conveyed into their Quarters. Our Thieves seeing they had
gained this prize with so little danger and difficulty, were resolved to
get more if they could; and therefore he that was in the house ransack’d
it all over, and finding a considerable quantity of Plate and money, he
likewise conveyed it to his Companion; and now having done all this, he
went into the Shop, intending to leave the street door open, that the
Merchant when he came home might suppose that the thieves who had robb’d
him did come in that ways, but the street door was double lock’d, and
therefore it could not be opened, wherefore he undid the bolts of one of
the Shop windows, and leaving it loosely open, he went up agen, and
telling his Companion what he had done, and that there was no more to be
done, he ordered him to go to the house top, and as he had assisted in
letting him down the Chimny, so to help to draw him up, which the other
did accordingly. There was one scruple came into their minds, that
although the Shop-window was opened, and the Merchant might reasonably
enough imagine that the Thieves who had robb’d him, had come in that
way, yet they were very sensible, that with descending and ascending the
Chimny they had thrown down much soot, which might cause a jealousie,
that they who robb’d the house might come in that way, and so they might
be discover’d; wherefore to prevent all such suspition as much as they
could, they tumbled down two or three Brick-batts that lay on the top of
the Chimny, which might be supposed to be blown down by the wind; and
having thus done they retired to their Quarters, disposing all their
Silks, Money, and Plate unto their Chest, and that there might be the
less suspition of them, the Landlord soon returning, one of them
pretending to be very ill, and the other very dilligent in attending his
Companion; their Landlord furnished them with strong waters, and such
other cordials as were at hand; and the Merchant coming home found his
Shop-window open, and his house robb’d, it being so apparent as he
thought that the Robbers came in, or went out at the Shop-windows; he
had no suspition of any other contrivance, all that he could do, was, to
have all suspitious places search’d, his neighbours house escaped, being
too near home to be suspected: the host only thinking he had escap’d a
danger being so near, and telling them that it was not good to leave a
house empty, and although all his folks went with him to Church, yet he
had left two honest Guests in his house, and besides they were locked in
fast enough. Thus, continued the Gentleman, was this Robbery committed,
and they who were guilty went away unsuspected. The next day they
conveyed part of their purchase away to a place where they hid all their
prizes, and by degrees getting the most part away, they continued not
long in those Quarters, but made another Remove. These fellows were
notable cunning Rascals, and had so many ways to bring in Purchases,
that they gathered much goods together, but covetous of more still
attempted further Projects, till in the end they were caught and
deservedly punished.

The next Project they had (said the Gentleman) was this, they had a boy
who oftentimes served and assisted them in their undertaking, and he was
now very useful; for one day intending to steal, they pretended to buy
some Linnen cloath; and a conceit coming into their heads, they did buy
some considerable quantity; they left it at the Drapers where they
bought it, paying a small matter of money in part at present, promising
to come the next day and fetch it away, and pay the rest of the money:
the next day they came and brought a Porter with them loaden with a Bayl
made up, as they said, of Woollen-cloath which they said they had
bought, and intending to send that, and what they had bought of him into
the Countrey, the Carrier was gone before they came, and therefore they
could not send away either till the next day; when, they said, another
Carrier was to go to the place they intended to send to; and therefore
they desired the Shop-keeper to let them leave that Bayl of Cloth in his
Shop till the next day, when they intended to fetch them both. They
having been Customers to the Shop, he did not refuse them so small a
courtesie, but permitted them to set it in a convenient place in the
Shop; but his entertaining of that Bayl of Cloth, was almost as fatal to
him as the _Trojans_ entertainment of the wooden-horse; for at midnight
when the Draper was asleep, these Rogues were wakeful, and having
conveyed this Roguish Boy I told you of, into this Bayl, which they
pretended was Cloth, he taking out his Knife cut his way through, so
that he came out the Bayl, and not finding the Key of the Shop-door, he
opened the Shop-windows and did let in his two Masters, who waited there
for that purpose; they being within the Shop were not idle, but having
seen by day-light where the finest Cloth was plac’d they now removed it,
and breaking open a Desk wherein they had observed the Draper did put
his money, there they found four hundred _French_ Crowns, so taking that
money, and as much of the finest Cloth as they could carry, they march’d
off; neither did the boy stay behinde, but leaving an empty Bayl covered
with Canvas, and stuff’d round about with Cotton, he also loading
himself, went with his masters, the same way he had let them in, and so
they carried this purchase to the rest. The next morning the Draper, and
his Servants were soon sensible of the Robbery, and seeing the hole cut
in the Bayl, they quickly discovered the manner how, but it was such a
Novelty as had not been heard of; and he was forced to rest himself
contented with his loss, for notwithstanding all his endeavours, he
could not for the present hear of his Customers, who indeed were safe
enough in their Quarters. These Rogues who now had money enough put
themselves in a gentle habit, and kept company with the best, but still
they waited to do all the mischief they could, and to that end they
ingratiated themselves into the company of Countrey Gentlemen, such as
were best acquainted with the Customs and Humors of the Town; many they
met with, and few escaped them, but that they either got them into play,
cheated them, or pick’d their pockets or made some other prize of them:
Among others they met with a young Country-Gentleman, who had been
unfortunate enough already, for he having had a quarrel about a
mistress, and fighting with his Rival, had the Fortune, or Misfortune
rather, to kill him; Divine vengeance seldom misses to pursue, and
overtake those who are guilty of murther; & although these kind of
murthers, which are the most excusable, being as they term them, fairly
done, pass rather for pieces of gallantry than otherwise; yet some great
misfortune always attends them, as I have observ’d by several
Precedents, but more especially by this Gentlemans misfortunes; for no
sooner had he made his Enemy to fall in the place where they had fought,
but he was forc’d to fly away for his own safety, doubting else he might
fall in to the hands of Justice; he therefore with all speed retired to
a place, six miles from thence, where he had fought, to a friends house,
and not thinking himself safe, being there provided with money enough
for a long journey, he travelled on towards _Paris_, being a place whose
large Circuit, and number of inhabitants might hide him from all
pursuers; in his way thither he was met by Thieves, who attempted to rob
him, but they being but two and he valliant enough, as he thought to
oppose them, drew and defended himself, he here likewise had the fortune
to cause one of them to drop down by him, which the other seeing, fled,
but not so far but that he soon returned with three more in his company;
The Gentleman seeing this, and doubting that now he should not onely be
robb’d of what he had, but also believing that they would kill him to
revenge their fellow; he therefore takes one Purse of money and threw it
into a Hedge near him, hopeing that if he did escape, he might have that
for a reserve. By this time the thieves were come up to him, and all
drew upon him, he (knowing that odds did overcome _Hercules_ and might
do him) therefore told them, that if it were his mony they wanted, he
would deliver it to them; although they were very angry for the loss of
their Companion, yet it being money that they came for, they accepted of
that; he giving them another Purse of money which he had about him; but
in regard they had suffered so great a loss as the death of one of their
Companions, they stripp’d, and ty’d our young Gentleman, and taking away
their Companion with them, they departed. He lay not long there but was
unty’d, and reliev’d by some Passengers, who furnished him with an old
Coat, and he taking up his Purse of money, where he had laid it, went
along with them to the next Town; there he furnished himself with
Cloaths, and so travelled on towards _Paris_; but before he came
thither, he was again met with by Thieves, who then robb’d him of all
his money; so that when he came into the City he was in a sad condition,
being a Stranger, moneyless, and friendless: however these last Thieves
being so civil as to leave him his Cloaths, he took a lodging in a
convenient place of the Town, and presently sent away to his friends,
acquainting them with his misfortunes, and desiring them to send him
more money: Although it was a great way he had to send, yet in a little
time he received an answer according to his expectations, and although
till then he was forc’d to run on the Score, and keep house, yet now he
honestly paid his Host, and putting himself in a very good Garb, he now
went abroad, & light into the company of our two thievish Rogues who
dealt Roguishly with him; for perceiving him to be a stranger, they took
him up, and became his companions; and that they might be able to do him
the more mischief, they so far ingratiated themselves into his company,
as to take a lodging where he lay, and then finding that he was pretty
well furnished with moneys, they tryed several ways to get it from him,
they tempted him to gameing, but he was not guilty of that hazardous
vanity, and would not play; he carried but little money in his pocket,
but he left the rest in his Trunk which was also lock’d up in his
Chamber; and the Landlord of the house being an honest man, was very
careful of it; however they were resolved to be Masters of it by one
means or other: but they delayed it a while longer by an occasion that
fell out; he had written for more moneys, intending to pass from
_France_ into the Low-countreys; and thereupon a Letter came one day to
his hands, which acquainted him, that within fourteen days he might
receive six hundred Crowns of a Merchant in _Paris_, to whom a Bill of
Exchange was directed; this Letter he dropt by accident, and one of
these Rogues met with and read it, but knowing that it would advantage
him nothing to keep it, he soon gave it to the owner. He acquainted his
Companion with the News, and how he did believe that the Gentleman
would, when he received that money, bring it home to his Lodging,
wherefore they would stay until that time & then they would rob him of
it all; this resolution they both continued in, and that he might not
distrust them in any particular, they kept him company very much, seldom
permitting him to be in any other company; they also carried him abroad
with them to several of their friends, who treated him very well for
their sakes: In the mean time, they being often with him in his Chamber,
one of them took the Key out of his Chamber-door, and making an
impression of it upon Wax, put it in there again; his Companion keeping
our Gentleman company in the mean time: The fourteen days being come, he
went and received his money, and bringing it home lock’d it up in his
Trunk; And now being furnished with money, he was resolv’d to fit
himself with Clothes, and proceed on his intended Journey; but he was
prevented; as I shall presently tell you, for these two Rogues having
now got the key of the Chamber-door made, and having tryed it, were
resolv’d to delay no longer, but catch the Birds before they were flown,
as they would be in few days, if they did not prevent it; for this cause
they invited him one evening to go out with them to supper, he
distrusting nothing went with them, where was better cheer than Company,
for all the Entertainers were as very Rogues as these two, however they
treated him very civilly, and after supper fell to drinking, he being
desirous to return to his lodging, requested his companions to be going;
but they knowing it was yet too early to execute their Design; desired
him to stay longer, and so long as he had their companies, they told him
he would be safe enough; he seeing them resolv’d to stay, was content,
and so they drank on till about eleven of the clock at night; and then,
he not being willing to stay longer, they agreed to go with him; and to
the end they might not be stopp’d by any Watch, they agreed to go a
back-way, which was somewhat about; this they pretended was the reason
of their going that way, but it was indeed, that those who were his
entertainers, and who were to assist them in their Enterprize might by
going the nearest way, meet them; which accordingly they did, for at the
place appointed by all, but our Gentleman, they met, and pretending
themselves drunk, jostell’d one another so, that their swords were soon
drawn, and they assaulted one another, our Gentleman seeing that those
who met them were but four, and he and his Company were three, did not
question but he might have the better on it, or at least defend himself,
and therefore being perfectly valiant, he so prosecuted one of the two
who assaulted him that he laid him at his feet; the rest thinking that
those two who assaulted him would have performed their Enterprize well
enough had hitherto only plaid with one another, in clashing of their
swords, but now seeing one of their Companions fall, and doubting more
mischief, they all four, as well those whom he thought were his friends
as those whom he knew to be his Assaylants, left their jest and fell all
upon him in earnest, and he being thus over-match’d, was soon kill’d.
The Rogues who were left alive, seeing him, and one of the Companions
dead, knew not what resolution to take, but after a short consultation,
they resolved to carry off their dead Companion, and leave the other
there; but the two who were his Companions, fearing he might be known
before they had finished their Project, and they might be prevented;
they therefore drew their Knives, and like bloody Butchers fley’d all
the skin from the poor Gentlemans face, and so taking the Key of his
Trunk out of his pocket, and all his Letters, that they might leave
nothing about him to cause him to be known; they and their Companions
parted: the two Rogues went home to their Lodging; where when they were
let in, they were asked where the Gentleman their Companion was? they
reply’d, they left him presently after they went out; and this answer
serv’d for the present: they then went into their own Chamber, but soon
after with their false Key they got into his, and opening his Trunk they
took out all his money, and lock’d it up in a Trunk in their own
Chamber; and this being done, they went to Bed: The next morning they
went out, and carried the money with them to the place where all their
other Treasure lay; returning again, intended to get away all their
other things that were of any value, in the Trunk; purposing to be gone,
and leave that behind them, for they knew it would cause suspition if
they remov’d Trunk and all, so suddenly; in their removal of their
money, they had carelessly left their counterfeit-key of the Gentlemans
Chamber-door in their Chamber-window, wherefore the Landlord coming in
there, and seeing a Key, which although it was new yet he believed he
had seen it, or one like it; he therefore comparing some other Keys with
that, found that it was like the Key of the Gentlemans Chamber-door; he
therefore try’d it, and found that it would open it as well as the
other: he was in some kind of amaze to think of this, and the Gentleman
not coming home, he began to suspect that all was not well: About noon
he went in again into the Gentlemans Chamber, and knowing that he had
lately received a considerable Sum of money, which he believ’d he had
put in his Trunk, he therefore lifted up the Trunk in his hand to poize
it, and feel if it were heavy; but it was light enough; they having
already taken out all the money; he having set it down again saw lying
by it a pocket-handkerchief, which, he being now grown curious,
dilligently looked for the Marks of it, which he found not to be marked
with the two Letters of the Gentlemans name, but two others, which were
the name of one of the others: These things raised further scruples in
his minde, wherfore he was resolv’d to observe his two Guests with a
more curious eye; and one of them soon after returning, he watch’d him,
and saw that he went to his Trunk, and made up a Bundle which he carried
out; no sooner was he gone out, but he heard the report which had gone
about the Town all that day; that a Gentleman in such a place was
barbarously murthered, and was so much a Stranger that no body knew him;
the Landlord hearing this, his heart leap’d and he was in a very great
perplexity, so that he could hardly stand on his leggs; so soon as he
was come to himself he took a Neighbour with him, and went to the place
where the Gentleman lay murthered: It was to no purpose to think to know
him by his face, for that was quite disfigured; his skin being fley’d
off; but although his Cloathes were bloody, yet he could by them know
that it was his Guest, who lay there murthered; he then told his
Neighbour what were his thoughts, and withal, that he believ’d he knew
the Murderers, and thereupon having acquainted him with all his Doubts
and Jealousies of his two other Guests; he and his Neighbour both were
of the oppinion that they had hand in this Murther, and therefore they
hasted home to see what might be further discovered; Just as they came
in, one of the two went out with a bundle under his arm, which the
Landlord seeing, he caused one to follow him, and dilligently to observe
all he did. He that was sent was so careful, that he soon after
returned, and told him, that certainly there was some matter of great
consequence between his two Guests, and three others, who were dividing
and telling of moneys, and he heard one of the two say; that now all was
well, for he had brought off every thing, and intended to go no more;
where are they? said the Landlord; they are at such a house, naming it,
said the Messenger: but I followed your Guest to another place first,
where he left the parcel he carried out, and waiting some time, he came
out of that house, which was a private house; and went to the other,
which was a Victualing-house; I, said he, following him thither, was
permitted to go in there, as he did, to drink; he went to his
Companions, and I took a Room next adjoyning; where I heard, said he,
what I have told you, and several other discourses, which makes me
think, that these persons have lately been upon some Design; but what, I
cannot at present imagine. But I can, reply’d the Landlord, I doubt,
what I have imagined is true; wherefore Neighbours, said he, what is
best to be done? I pray advise me; they told him the best advice they
could give him was to go to the Magistrate, and acquaint him with what
had happened; he did so, and they at his request went with him; being
come before the Magistrate, the Landlord told him, that not long since a
Gentleman came to his house to lodge, and soon after him, two more who
being well acquainted together, went out (said he) to supper; the two
returned home; but it was somewhat late, and the third not coming home,
raised in me some suspition, which hath fallen out too true; for, said
he, the poor Gentleman is barbarously murdered, and lies in such a
place, I have been to see him, but, although I cannot know him by his
face; for they have fley’d off the skin, yet I believe it is he by his
Cloathes; and, continued he, I very much suspect my other two Guests are
guilty of the murther, for I have found a false Key of the Gentlemans
Chamber-door in their Chamber: and so he proceeded in telling the
Justice all the particular observations he, and the person he had Sent,
had made: the Justice was of their oppinion, that these two men had
murthered the third; and therefore sending for Officers, and a Guard,
sent immediatly to the place where they were all together, and securing
them, they were brought before him, he examined them severally, and so
finding them in Several Tales, he gathered so much from their
Examinations and Confessions, that he found them guilty; and then being
inform’d that one of them had left a parcel at a private house; he
caused that place to be search’d, and there was found a great deal of
wealth and goods; there was the Merchants Silks; the Drapers Cloth; the
Challices, and other Church utensils, and the two Fryars weeds, and much
other goods, Commodities, and Disguises; all which was seized on, and
the report of this murder, and the other particulars, running about the
City, it came to the ears of the Merchant and Draper, and many others
who had been lately robb’d; and they coming, knew and owned their Goods.
Our Rogues who were now fast enough for commiting any more Roguries, and
seeing that they were discovered, for they were told of all things that
had hapned; now saw it was to no purpose to deny those several facts
that would be too plainly proved against them; wherefore they confess’d
all this that I have told you of, and several murders they have
committed, among others that of the two poor Fryars; and robbing the
Church, wherefore the Parson, and the Church-wardens of that Parish
hearing of this confession, came to _Paris_, and the Felons executed,
they and the Merchant, and Draper, and all others whom they had robb’d
of any thing, had their goods returned them; and thus said the
Gentleman, was the end of these wretches; and I came to be thus
particularly acquainted with this story, because when I was at _Paris_,
I lodg’d at the same house where they had done, and my Landlord
acquainted me with all these particulars.

The Gentleman having finish’d his discourse, said Mistress _Mary_, I
told him that these two were cruel, and bloody minded Thieves, and that
I did not care for hearing any such stories, for that I was much
troubled, and methought sensibly concerned in his relation; he replyed,
that indeed this was bloody and horrible, but that it was usual to have
such murthers committed in _Paris_; and that very frequently, and
continued he, both the Thieves and Pick-pockets, are far more cruel and
bold than in _England_; and although I have given you examples of both,
yet I could tell you many more, and enlarge very much upon this Subject,
for it is usual for Pick-pockets there, to perform their work in an
extraordinary manner, for they are furnished with Arms, and Hands made
with Wax or Wood; and by vertue of these, they will frequently and
without suspition, pick pockets in the Church; for they will hold two
hands with a true Arm, and a false one, that is an Arm of Wax or Wood
up, and in their hands they will hold a book and seem to be busily
employ’d in turning over leaves, at their Devotions, when as the third
Arm and hand is picking of pockets; and People standing by, nay, the
Parson himself whose pocket is pick’d, will have very little cause to
suspect him that does it: also if they get a man out of the way, and are
minded to rob him, they will put a piece of Iron or Brass into his
mouth, like unto a Pear, which they call a _Choak-pear_; and that
properly enough; for the party who hath it in his mouth, endeavouring to
get it out cannot, for there being a Spring within it which forceth it
open, it is impossible to get it out without a Key to it, which they
have; therefore they who put this Choak-pear into the mouths of any,
after they are first robb’d of what they have about them, they are told,
if they intend to be rid of that Pear, they must go and fetch more mony,
which they must bring to a place they appoint, or else they are like to
chew upon the Pear, without any other Victuals, which is like to be hard
Dyet to them. But continued he, I shall tell you one of these wax or
wooden-handed-fellows, and so conclude.

A Gentleman having had his pocket several times pick’d of moneys and
Watches, was much troubled and resolv’d if possible to find out, and
catch one Pick-pocket that should pay for all; wherefore he advises with
a Smith, an ingenious fellow of that quality, to make him a band of Iron
or Steel, with some prickles about the side of his pocket, and a spring
towards the bottom, which when it should be touch’d, would cause the
band of Iron or Steel, at the top to close together, so that if a
Pick-pocket should come there, it would catch and hold him fast by the
hand: this he had made to his desire, and then he went to the next
Assembly, which was at a tryal of causes, and it was not long e’re his
project took; he heard his Engine discharge, and the fowl was caught; he
knew which Pocket it was, and therefore lookt on that side one stood
with hat off, and both his hands were upon his Hat, which were held up
as high as his face; he therefore wondring whose hand he had caught, and
seeing the man in that posture, doubted that his Engine had deceived
him, and had given false fire, but putting his hand towards his pocket
he found a hand there, which was in vain strugling to get out; wherefore
that he might know who this hand belonged to, he got out of the press of
people, and the man who held his Hat in that posture went with him; when
they were gone a little to the one side, the poor fellow cryed out; I
pray Sir, let me have my hand; how! replyed the Gentleman, I see you
have two already, and therefore if you have a third, you may well spare
me that to guard my pocket for the future: the fellow saw that he was
caught, and therefore replyed to the Gentleman; truly Sir, it is but a
tryal of skil, a new invention, and I hope you will not be angry with a
piece of ingenuity; but if you are, rather than fail, if you please to
let me go, and not discover me, ile give you any satisfaction; what
security shall I have for that said the Gentleman? all that I can give,
said the Diver; and thereupon he drew out a purse of money from his own
pocket, which it is like had an another owner but lately, but now it
helped to make his composition, for the Gentle-man and Pick-pocket going
to the Tavern they clapt up an agreement; he not only receiving
satisfaction for what he had formerly lost, but also discovered to him
the Nature, Use, and quality of a Wooden hand.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XX.

_Mistress_ Mary _continues the story of the young Gentleman; relates how
  a Cheat (with two more) pretending to be a Countrey man, performed a
  very profitable but most comical exploit on a Shop keeper; she is
  interrupted by the Arrival of her comrades;_ Meriton Lattroon _enters
  into a Pleasant Dialogue with her; his_ Indian _wife falls in love
  with Mistress_ Mary _and Mistress_ Dorothy, _disguis’d in mans
  apparel: and a pleasant Adventure there upon._


Thus (said Mistress _Mary_) did the Gentleman discourse of the _French_
manner of Thieving and Cheating, which was after a more confident and
bold manner than that of our Countrey-men; and their manner of picking
pockets was, I told him a great Novelty; he replyed that he could relate
many such tricks that were done at his being there; two more whereof,
continued he, I will tell you, and so conclude.

Three Cheats intending a piece of roguery, had aparelled themselves like
Countrey-men; and two sauntring in the Street, one of the other went
into a Shop-keeper, whom they saw was alone in his Shop, and tells him
that he was a Countrey-man, and had born all offices in the Parish where
he liv’d: and was now Church-warden, and that he was come to Town to lay
out a little money for the use of the Parish; but more especially to buy
a Cope for the Parson; and, said he, I would buy a good one though it
cost me the more money: and thereupon fetch’d several and shew’d him: he
turn’d many of them over, but still desired to see better, at length one
was brought which he seemed to like: but, said he to the Shop-keeper, I
doubt it is too short: no, said the Shop-keeper, it is long enough of
all conscience, and thereupon measured it upon the Country-man: who
said, I cannot tell by this measuring, whether it be long enough or no:
but our Parson is a man much about your pitch, and therefore I pray do
you put it on, and I shall be better satisfied, the Shop-keeper to
satisfie his Customer, did so; and our cheating Church-warden did
assist, and help him to put it on; but in doing it, he clapt his hand
into the Shop-keepers pocket, and drew from thence a purse of money, the
Shop keeper perceiv’d it, and caught hold of his Customer, but he
slipping out of his hand, shew’d him a fair pair of heels, and the
Shop-keeper without putting off the Cope followed him; in the mean time
the other two of our cheats Companions acted their parts, for the one
went into the shop, and taking the next bundle of goods that came to
hand went away, and the third doubting that if the Shop-keeper kept his
pace he might overtake his Companion whom he pursued; he therefore
having plac’d himself in the way on purpose, catches hold on the
Shop-keeper, and sayes, O Lord Master Doctor! what makes you thus
distracted? as to run in the streets in this unseemly manner: the
Shop-keeper told him that he was mistaken, he was no Parson, and that he
was in pursuit of a fellow that robb’d him; by this time our Cheat who
was pursued, had turned a corner of a Street, and was out of sight; and
the Neighbors coming out to see what was the matter, perswaded the
Shop-keeper to go home again and put off that Garment, and then go look
for the Cheater; he did so, but there he found that he had a second
loss, which made him more angry than before, especially when he
considered that he was without all remedy, not being able to discover
who they were that had shown him this clenly conveyance.

Another time said the Gentleman, a couple of these bold rogues
understanding that a Gentle-man was newly come from travel; and having
enquired into and been acquainted with many particulars in his Journey,
were resolved to get money out of him; and therefore waiting a time and
place convenient, and seeing him walking with another Gentleman, one of
these bold rogues thus accosts him: Sir, your very humble servant, I am
very joyful to see you after your return; although you have travelled
several Countries since I saw you last, yet you are not one jot alter’d:
but you are, replyed briskly the Gentleman, if ever I saw you before,
for to the best of my remembrance this is the first time: I shall bring
you, reply’d the Confident, to be of another mind when I tell you that
my name is _Mounsieur Brisack_, and that you and I travell’d many a mile
together, and were very merry at such and such places, naming them; I
hope Sir, continued he, that you do remember that we staid three dayes
at such a place, and then departed, having very bad way, and a tedious
Journey to such a place, still naming the places, and there we met with
such and such Gentlemen, who continued in our companies a fortnight, all
the while we staid there; and we came to such and such a place. All this
reply’d the Gentleman, and all those Persons I very well remember; but
indeed _Mounsieur Brisack_, if your name be so, I do not at all remember
you; but since you give me so good an account of my Journey, I must
needs believe you to be acquainted with me in those parts; and since you
are so, I pray how doth _Mounsieur Langone_? very well, reply’d our
Cheat; he intends to be here in short time, and then I will bring him to
you that we may renew our acquaintance: I shall be glad of the
opportunity, reply’d the Gentleman, and so good _Mounsieur Brisack_,
said he, till then I shall be your humble Servant; yours Sir, reply’d
the Cheat; but I pray, Sir, do you now remember me? yes, yes, reply’d
the Gentleman; then I hope reply’d the Cheat, you will also remember
that I did you a small courtsie in the time of our acquaintance; what
was it? said the Gentleman, that I may acknowledge it; and thank you; no
great matter, Sir, said the Cheat, it was but a friendly office, we
ought to do so for one another at such a distance; I do not understand
you, said the Gentleman; you are very forgetful, said the Cheat, but I
hope that as now you remember me, so you will remember to pay me that
little money you borrowed of me at such a place; I know nothing of it,
reply’d the Gentleman; I lent it to you replyed the Cheat, by the same
token, that your Horse was taken lame in one legg, and you were forc’d
to leave him behind you, and take another: truly, replyed the Gentleman,
the token is good, but I do not remember the other matter; but I hope
you will, reply’d the Cheat, and pay me for your Credit-sake before it
comes to the hearing of our Fellow-travellers; how much do you say it
was, reply’d the Gentleman; but twenty Crowns, a small sum, and soon
paid; I know you are not without so much money about you, and if you
please to pay it me now, it will do me as great a kindness in receiving
it now, as it did you when I lent it; well replyed the Gent. if it be
so, when _Mounsieur Langone_ returns I will pay you, which you say will
be in short time; I hope Sir, replyed the Cheat, you will not injure me
so much as to put me to stay so long, when you promised me to pay it at
our next meeting, and besides, Sir, it will not be for your Credit to
let him or any of our Fellow Travellers know that you boggle at the
payment of such a driblet as twenty Crowns: and thus did he importune
the Gentle-man for payment, by telling him that he had now acknowledged
it before witness, and that if he would not quietly pay, he would compel
him to it: so that the Gentleman to purchase his quiet gave him what he
demanded, lest, as he said, he should shame him.

Whilst Mistress _Mary_ was busied in the recital of what was afore
delivered, and intending to have proceeded in the same discourse; she
was interrupted by the return of the Captain, _Drugster_, and
_Scrivener_, and _Gregory_; and her looks and colour discovered to the
Capt. that she had play’d the extravagant in the use of that liberty &
freedom which he freely gave her, and could not contain himself from
expressing some resentments thereof: and addressing his discourse to me
in a fleering manner, come Master _Meriton Latroon_ (said he) I shall
know you better by degrees, and do fear I shall find you too much guilty
of the humour of the _Turks_ and _Italians_, who unaturally delight in
the society of young men: they are pretty Smock-fac’d Lads, how do you
like them, Sir, if you could procure a change of their Sex, would not
either of them serve for fine play-fellows.

I think (said I) they are best as they are, without any change; nay,
with your pardon, good Captain, I know it an undeniable truth, which
your own frequent experience doth, or must acknowledge; their unsuitable
habits, I confess at first muffled up, or quite darkned all former
knowledge of them: but you must excuse them, if they did unmask
themselves to be known to one, they once preferred before their own
safeties and reputations. Your sweet _William_ was once my little wanton
_Mally_, whom with many more, I first beguiled by hiring my self in
womans apparel, as a Servant maid in a boarding School. This other whom
you call _George_, was a Country-girl, whose beauty and good feature
disarm’d me in the road, as I went on the Pad, and although I had never
seen her till then, I was so passionately in love with her, that I never
rested till I had obtained my desires on her, which effected, I
ungreatfully left her.

This said the Captain, is a thing I was wholly ignorant of till now,
although from our friend _Gregory_ I have been informed of the most
remarkable passages of your life: such wonderful and unheard of
transactions in one man’s life, that in his relation I thought him
reading to me some Legend of incredibilities.

I replyed that I had reserved this secret with some others, to be
discovered as occasion should serve, and that in time, nothing should be
hid from him. And now Sir, said I, you nor the rest of your friends must
not entertain a jealousie that I participate and share with them in your
Mistress’s affections; to be plain if your belief of that raise in you
any anger or revenge, you will discover thereby your folly most
egregiously; for can you expect a constancy from such, who know they
cannot live, but by being inconstant; they are like such who are upon a
trading Voyage, it is not one Port, but a great many that makes up their
market; neither are they like some Merchants who particularly trade to
one place, as to _Guiney_, _Hambrough_, &c. They are generally trucking,
or vending their commodities through the Universe: _Mal_, said I, you
must not be angry that I thus plainly and boldly disclose the naked
truth; pray on, Sir, said she; I shall exercise my patience in hearing
your rallery, but I pray tell me when you are out of breath, that I may
inform you of the infirmities and frailties that belong to your more
noble Sex, and spare not ours; you will not be so unjust to deny me that
liberty you take your self; a match, quoth I, and therefore I shall
proceed. When you were but fourteen, you began like a Nut to grow brown
at bottom, which you know will then drop or fall of it self, or I might
more properly compare you to forward Summer fruit, which proves mellow
in the non-age of the spring, but rotts by too soon falling, when more
sollid fruit shall deny the nipping frosts of an approaching Winter.
There is a _Queen-apple_, and a _Bitter-sweet_ so call’d, you resemble
the one in the lovely colour, the other in the distasteful _Gusto_: but
since I speak of fruit, the most common resemblance is a _Medlar_, which
is never good till rotten; such are you, never finer drest than in your
winding sheet. Several of your Sex when married are but a parcel of
_Crab trees_, wall’d in at a great charge. As for thy part, thou art
like a honeycomb with a Bee in it, which infallibly stings him that
tastes thereof: to be short, ye have fair tongues and false hearts; fine
faces, but foul Consciences; pride prompts ye to all manner of
prodigality, and lust leads ye to that loosness, which ruinates
thousands in the destruction of yourselves. To conclude, I could love
thee, but that thou art female, and would never have married, but that I
thought it best expedient to bring me to repentance. Now Sir said she, I
believe it is my time to speak, for I find by your straining, you are
very needy; you have but little water left by the sucking of your Pump;
I see where your plot lies clearly, by undervaluing me and our Sex, you
would put our friends out of conceit with us and others, that you might
make a Monopoly of our Sex; be advised Sir, your Patent will not be
worth the procuring, if we are so variable and wavering, as you would
falsly make the world believe, you have Marshall’d up a fair company of
Metaphors, that your wit might flutter in our disparagement. Our sailing
from port to port to advance our profit, is not so discomendable as you
would have it, since it is rather our misfortune to meet with such
Bank-rupts, Broken-merchants, who have neither stock nor credit to
barter with us for our wares. Surely your wit is mightily improv’d
(since your poor Poetry you writ to my friend _Doll_, which she related
to me was almost all the reward she had for her lost Virginity) it skipt
so nimbly from Pole to Pole, from Sea to Land, to fetch a Lean starvelin
of a conceit, and that was the comparing of us to ripe Nutts, or Nutts
brown at bottom as you well know; for all we are slip-shell’d were it
not for truanting-waggs who rushing into our Thickets shake us down; we
might hang long enough, not like your Crack-ropes: and for your likening
us to fruit soon ripe, and as soon rotten, I dare confidently aver that
we might remain a long time on the tree, did not such unhappy Boys as
you are throw stones at us. Lastly, you say our sweets are accompanyed
with stings, I know not what you mean, but I am sure you stung this
Gentlewoman and my self in that manner that the swelling lasted nine
moneths, and by a Mid-wife was at last delivered of our pain. To
conclude, with what force can you condemn us for inconstancy? when every
new face you see shall change your affection, variety shall be as so
many winds to blow your amorous pretences to more points than are
contained within a Compass, and when you have had, after a long Seige,
the Town (you sate down before) surrendered, you fall a plundring
instantly, and it may be, after this, ingratefully set the Garrison on
fire; if not, at leastwise curse the time and money you spent in your
Conquest, throwing it off as a thing not worth the managing and keeping:
No more (dear _Mall_, said I,) no more, what hitherto I have express’d,
was but a tryal of thy wit, which since I find so pregnant, thy better
parts, thy mind, I will endeavour to enjoy hereafter.

All the Company was greatly pleas’d with our Drollery, and now said I,
Gentlemen, without trifling the time away too much, since we know one
the others past lives, and present intentions; let us enter into a
serious consultation, how we may advantage each others interest here, in
order elsewhere. Although you, Sir (speaking to the Captain) have been
in these parts twice or thrice before, yet I question not but the
knowledge I have of this Country will prove as serviceable to our
design, as any others that have been here a longer time besides the
advantage of my projections; the Captain with all the rest readily
consented to be advised with me in every thing, as giving me the
priority in all manner of Roguery. Gentlemen, said I, the love I bear my
own Countrey (although all Countries indeed, should not be such
strangers to us, as not to make them absolutely our own, when necessity
compels us thereunto) I say, having a longing desire to see _Europe_,
and return for _England_, having now gotten something considerable for a
future maintenance, I shall make it my whole business to take up what
commodities I can on trust, and with what I have, and my self, I resolve
to accompany you homewards; and that I may be the better wellcome among
you, I will be assistant to you in the buying your commodities, and
procuring you a credit withal.

These proposals commanded both their thanks and embraces, and to work we
went immediately. But before I proceed to tell you how, and in what
manner we enrich’d our selves by cheating and deceiving the Countrey: I
must give you an account, that my she-black divil, my wife, had a
moneths mind to no less than a brace of white _Josephs_, I mean my two
Girls in mans apparrel; I confess the temptation was great enough to
have deluded any other woman of more Christian principles; when I heard
of it, I thought I should have dyed by the excess of laughter, and that
I might have the more sport, I ordered my two Females not to
discountenance her amorous desires. I have heretofore inform’d you that
she was for feature and stature as handsome, and as proper as most
_Europeans_, and had a natural genius, her Sex is not ordinarily endued
withal: in the time of my living with her, I had taken considerable
pains to teach her _English_ of which she hath a competent understanding
and utterance. Seeing me go very gentile and gallant, she disserted her
own Country fashion, and thought herself obliged to be cloathed in mine,
which I condescended to, not so much to please my eye, as to sport my
fancy, for they became her as well as a Hat and Feather, Sword and Belt,
with a Red-coat would become a _Jack-an-apes_ riding before the Bears.

We had not many _English_-women among us, however she imitated every one
of them in some thing or other, so that she seemed when drest to have
borrowed of at least twenty women, and those Habiliments look’d as if
they had been thrown on her with a pitchfork. She being extreemly
smitten in love with these 2 handsome young men, as she thought them,
began now to be less careless in her dress, but what disorders she
endeavoured to rectifie and amend, she made a thousand times worse; she
consulted her glass, and imagining her face was not naturally fair
enough, that is, not black (for blackness is esteem’d by them as beauty,
and tawniness the contrary) I say to correct that natural defect by Art,
she got some Lamp black, or some thing like it, by which paint she
resolved to be devilish fair.

I wondred to see my pretty sweetings face, all of a sudden so strangely
chang’d, but I concerning my self but little with her, never demanded
how it came, but according to my usual Custome went to bed, and not long
after my wife followed me: I had drank very excessively that day, by
which means I slept profoundly and was not sensible what her petulancy
prompt’d her to when I was asleep; but certain I am, she did so all to
bekiss me, and so rubb’d the black paint off her face upon mine, that
none could tell which was the blacker of the two in the morning when I
arose.

I got not out of bed till an hour after all the rest of the People in
the house were up, and staying somewhat longer above than I usually did,
she came up into the Chamber, and perceiving my face to be black, she
was at a stand, not knowing what to say, or do; but at length concluded
(as she confess’d afterwards) that her God was angry with her for loving
any other white besides her Husband, and therefore had taken away his
white face, and had given him a black one in the room: she retired down
with much more reverance than usual, and was so amazed, that she spake
not a word to any below. The Captain and his friends, with several of my
own acquaintance were attending my coming down, who seeing my face thus
discoloured, knew me not, yet knew my voice and clothes, and though I
bid them good morrow, they returned me not the like civilty, but instead
thereof, ask’d me whether I was not an impudent fellow to counterfeit
another voice and wear his clothes? Gentlemen said I, are ye all mad, or
have ye eyes that ye dare own? I am the man I was the last night I am
very certain; you may have the same body, said the Captain, but the foul
Fiend stole away thy head last night for being drunk, and left his own
in its room; hereupon a Looking-glass was fetcht, and put it into my
hands, but I no sooner saw my face in it, but it dropt out of my hands
breaking all in pieces, and with the amazement of this sudden
alteration, I was just ready to expire; now did all my former roguries
come fresh into my memory, believing that they, with what I was now
about to act, had rode poste to the Devil to inform him what I was; that
he was come to fetch me away alive, and that he had lent me this hellish
face, that I might be the fitter for his company in his Journey
homeward.

The Company seeing me stand so like a changeling, could not forbear
laughing till they held their sides, at length one of them came, and
with a wet cloth rubbing my face, restored it me again, I could not
imagine who should serve me this trick, or how it should be done, but at
last recollecting my thoughts, I remembred that my wife of late seemed
to me to be more than usually black; whereupon I call’d her to me, and
with the same cloth I made her blackness vanish too. She perceiving I
was inflam’d with rage and fury, fell upon her knees, and begging my
pardon, she told me every circumstance of what she had done and
design’d, concealing her real contrivance; that she had painted her face
in that manner to increase my love, she said, and that in kissing me and
laying her face to mine, (not imagining the black would come off) she
had thus discoloured my face, and would never do so again: I was so far
from being Angry with her, that I could not forbear laughing heartily,
which renewed the like in my friends; however I charged her never to
make herself fairer than she was again, and if I found her pride extend
that way, I would devest her and reduce her to the Clout, it being all
the clothes the _indians_ wear, an insignificant fore covering; this
troubled her more than if I should have gashed her flesh and fill’d the
wound with salt, a punishment frequently used among them.
Notwithstanding the ill success of her first project, yet she was
resolv’d to prosecute her love but which she loved best, she could not
tell, if there had been an half dozen more, she had room enough in her
breasts to entertain them, and had affection to have scattered
plentifully among them all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                               CHAP. XXI.

Latroon’s _Wife prosecutes her love, the manner of her extravagant
  Horse-courtship, inviting them to a bowl of Punch, she forc’d them to
  the Squeak, is discovered in her amours by her Husband and would have
  poysoned her self to escape his anger._ Latroon _brings his new
  Comrades into the acquaintance of the_ Bannian, _whom by feasting him
  aboard and ashore, they make their friend in their knavish Design._


My Wife was none of those puling, whining, lovers, who not obtaining
their desires, presently exclaim against the injustice of Heaven in not
granting their wishes, and growing sullen to make amends for their
Blasphemy, hang themselves, or cut their own throats. She had a certain
way of Court-ship peculiar to herself, and a kind of Horse-play in her
kissing, which was so strong and eager: that you must have a special
care she did not beat some of your teeth down your throat; her embraces
were as soft as a Bears, I think fully as strong, she hath made me
sometimes in a merry humour, cry Oh: and therefore I cannot see how
these striplings will escape with life should they be encirkled in her
arms.

What kind of Rhetorick she used to perswade them with, I am not yet
acquainted, but I understand she boarded them both at once and put them
to the squeak, without uttering a word, and had not they fled for it,
she had ransacked their carcasses to have tryed their Manhood, this made
them ever after shun being alone with her, which made her so mad, that
when she hath seen them in company, if by any means she could come at
them, she would have pinch’d them by the arms, or else where, her
fingers being as bad as a pair of pincers. She was ignorant of the way
of winning them by Presents, or the subtle insinuation of fine words,
varnished with love and Service; she was downright with them, if they
would not love her, she would see whether she could make them; but that
not doing, she was resolv’d to try whether drunkenness would operate any
thing upon them. Whilst I and my new Associates were gone abroad to
hasten our purposes of marching off together, she had prepar’d a Bowl of
Punch, with other excellent Liquors, not omitting several Dishes of
Sweetmeats; she strained her self at that time to the utmost to express
her civillity and kindness, drinking often to them till at last she
perceiv’d that the strength of those several Liquors they drank had
elevated them; then did she in as good _English_ as she was Mistress of,
tell them that she lov’d them, and they must love her, that she had
never seen such pretty white men before, with that she caught one of
them about the neck, the other fearing they should be now discovered,
indeavored to assist her Comrade, and struggled to disengage her hands
from about her neck, but she being too strong, would not disengage her
hold, but by main strength brought them both down to the ground together
with her; just as my business calling me home, I entred the Room wherein
I found my Spouse at _Tantum Scantum_ with the two supposed young-men,
tumbling all together promiscuously: I knew they could not if they
would, and would not if they could make me a Cuckold, therefore I had no
cause to be angry with any, but my Christian Infidel, and yet I had but
little reason to be so with her, considering the brutishness of her
nature, and barbarousness of her education: however so sensible she was
of the injury she design’d to do me, that taking a Dagger out of her
pocket, which she mightily delighted to carry always about her, she
would have stabb’d her self, had I not prevented her, by forcing it out
of her hands. I saw nothing but distruction and distraction in her eyes,
and therefore, watcht her narrowly she would not mischief her self, or
any else; she seeing that seem’d better compos’d, and stepping aside
drawing a small Box out of her pocket, which she always made her _Vade
mecum_, and was fill’d with the rankest poyson, she conveyed some of it
into a Cup, and offer’d to drink to me, which she would have done, had I
not dasht it out of her hand: she seeing me so careful of her
preservation, imagined I had no evil will against her, she fell upon her
knees again, and begg’d of me that I would kill her, for she deserv’d
it, or take for my satisfaction as many wives as I pleas’d into the
house, and she would not be offended at it in the least; I told her I
would have no more wives than she, and that I would forgive her this
time, so she would never do the like again.

She now trebled her diligence at home, whilst I exercised my wit abroad,
among the _Bannians_ I invited one of the principal of them home to a
treat, a man of vast sway, and great credit in the Country; and having
acquainted my new Correspondents, or fellow Conspirators of the time of
our meeting, I ordered them to appear as splendidly as they could,
according to the Custome of the Country; and to be noble in their
expences, all which they performed so well, that they gain’d a great
esteem with the _Bannian_; Moreover I informed him privatly; that the
Captain (though an Interloper) was resolv’d not to be behind hand in the
lading his Ship homeward, with the best Factor in the company, having
Gold enough for that purpose, and that those young men that accompanied
him to the _indies_ were the sons of _English_ Lords, that had brought
with them great store of Gold to see this Country, and lay it out in the
Commodities thereof: he hearkened to me with much attention, and having
always had a very good oppinion for me, believ’d what I said to be no
less than truth, and therefore desired me that I would perswade them
that he might negotiate their Affairs for them; this was the thing I
desired, which I should have offer’d him, had he not so happily
prevented me by his own voluntary motion, and to encourage his
willingness therein, I whispered the Captain in the ear aside, informing
him that the _Bannian_ was fully wrought upon, and that now he had not
need to fear fraught at half credit, as I shall mannage the matter, I
desired him to invite him abroad to morrow, and what friends he should
think to bring along with him, which accordingly he did; after that we
had been sufficiently merry together in my house, and though he was
somewhat elderly, yet he was a very comely old man, and had wit and heat
enough in him to play the Good-fellow: We had so liberally entertained
him (and had so fitted every thing to his humour, I knowing his humour
to a hair) that on his going away, he acknowledged infinite satisfaction
in that he had received, promising for these civilities his utmost
Service and Assistance; the Captain stopt him in his further
acknowledgments, by assuring him they were nothing to what he and the
Company intended for him, desiring him that he would favour them with
his Company abroad the next day; the _Bannian_ gratefully accepted the
proffer, for he was a person that lov’d dearly his belly, and therefore
the more willing and ready to accept our _English_ treatment, which he
knew was no niggardly one; but had he known what a stale purgation he
should have had after all his feasting, he would have sooner swallowed a
_Pagod_, than one single morsel.

About noon I found the _Bannian_ at his own house, and telling him that
he was expected abroad, he made himself ready to go with me, in our way
thither we met with some of his most intimate friends, and some of mine,
those which I thought would further our design I singled out, and took
them along with us. The Captain had made ample provision for us, and
understanding from me that the _Bannian_ was obliged to abstain from
some sort of meat, he had to be sure provided none thereof; having
feasted with all the jollity imaginable, firing several pieces of
Ordinance according to Command; now Sir, said the Captain, that you
might know we come not into your company empty-handed, or that we will
take up any of your Goods and Commodities without paying you for them
according to contract, I will shew you something which shall be a Secret
to every body else, so unlocking a Chest, he shew’d them a great
quantity of his own Gold, and his Undertakers; if this be not enough,
see there of this friend of mine fifteen hundred pieces, and of that
mans there, five hundred, with a thousand more if occasion should serve.

This made the _Bannian_ and his friends admire to see so great a
quantity of Gold, however he seem’d to take but little notice, only
saying, you have a great deal of money, Sir, and we have a great deal of
valuable Commodities, which you shall not want, but trust them to my
procurement for you, and you shall not fail in your expectation; he
spake _English_ good enough to let us understand, that he would be our
Servant to do our business, and the Merchant too, to credit us if we so
pleas’d. What Goods we took of him at first we paid him ready money
before delivered, and by degrees caus’d him to send some abroad, and
paid him three or four days after: And to the intent we might not be in
the least suspected for any knavery, I advised the Scrivener, Drugster,
and _Gregory_ (their Hanger-on) to give out they intended to stay in the
Country some considerable while, that what goods they bought, they would
send for _England_, when the Captain should return thither, and to
confirm the truth of this report, they built them an house, befitting
the entertainment of them, and the securing what Goods they should
procure by way of Merchandize, servants I procur’d them, such as I
thought would be for their turn, both Male and Female, but if they
intended to have their Victuals well drest, they must not expect the
Cookery from them; however they resolv’d to try the ability of their new
servants, who handled the matter so scurvily, that when it was brought
to Table, there was not one, but was of a different oppinion in giving a
name for what was brought before them, not knowing whether it was
boil’d, bak’d, broyl’d, or roasted; for the looks thereof seem’d to have
a touch of them all; so that it was concluded by all that the Proverb
was never better verifi’d than now; _God sends meat, and the Devil sends
Cooks_; and so any Stranger would have taken them, they being of his own
smoaky complexion. Wherefore to avoid these foul inconveniences of
sluttish feeding, it was agreed on, that _Mall_ (alias _William_) _Doll_
(alias _George_) notwithstanding their Breeches, should officiate as
Cooks, their friends should be caterers, and their menials Skullions.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                              CHAP. XXII.

Latroon _in order to his returning to_ Europe _gets a great deal of
  Goods, most on credit; he suspects his wife of some villanous Design,
  discovers her wicked inclination, and hints at the common cause of
  Cuckoldry. She under pretence of loving visit poyson’d one of the
  supposed young-men, and had like to have dispatcht the other, and
  afterwards kills her self: her Assistant in this Murther was found not
  far distant from_ Bantam _torn to pieces by wild Beasts, three days
  after the Fact._


In this Equipage our friends were in, whilst the Captain, and my self
were daily bringing in Grist to the Mill; the _Bannian_ according to his
promise, with speedy sedulity procur’d us what ever we desired, and to
encourage his Industry had daily (almost) encouragements for his quick
dispatch. Our business now ran on wheels, neither did the pleasures of
our new Houskeepers slacken in their carreer, they had every thing which
the Country afforded, and more, for they had two such matchless
_European_ girls, which all _India_ could not parallel, whose luster was
the brighter by reason of those dark and dusky foils which were always
near them.

But damn’d be that cursed instrument that totally eclipst the light of
those two _Wandring stars_, which must ne’er shine more in our
Hemisphere. Who would have thought a wife, after so much penitence and
submission (being obsequious beyond imitation) should renew her revenge,
and prosecute it to death. It is true, the found me remiss in the
cooling of her amorous Heats, but that from the first I used her to,
that she might not expect it when it came, as a duty, but a courtesie,
or a very signal favour, by reason hereof the was void of frequent
expectation; had the been as white, and as lovely fair as any of my own
Country-women, I would have serv’d her in the like manner; if I intended
to make my wife absolutely my own. For in my time I have observ’d at
least an hundred Examples of this nature; Women, whom I am confident
might have ran the Race of their lives in the way of modesty and
honesty, had they not been chafed or over heated at first by the
ostentatious humour of their hot brained Bride-groome, striving to
out-do himself, that he might purchase the esteem of being a lusty man
excelling others in strength and vigour; but when the wife shall finde
the satisfaction of her desires dis-continued, she will be apt to think
her husband was too prodigal at first, and so became Natures
Spend-thrift, and now thinks of no other thing than how she shall be
supplyed by others. Others again are like some childish appetites, who
feeding on some excellent Dish, they never tasted of before, and being
exceeding pleasant, eat beyond measure, thinking themselves never to be
satisfied, so getting a surfeit, ever after loath what they lov’d, the
very sight thereof will even nauseate their stomachs. I say by stinting
my wife after this manner, she could not suspect that by rambling
abroad, I disappointed her expectations at home, since custom made her
believe me indifferently honest. But her revenge was grounded on the
Basis of equity, for since she was so far from being jealous, that she
allowed me to make use of others, she judged I could not in reason
dis-allow her the enjoyment of one or so, especially of my own
complexion.

The removal of these two young men (as she supposed, and in that belief
courted them to her embraces) she verily believ’d was occasion’d by me,
and design’d that she might have no converse with them. Whilst they were
in sight of her, she pleas’d her self in viewing them, but being
depriv’d of that hourly happiness, she had not so much prudence as to
conceal the resentment of her loss, and the injury was done her by me,
but exprest (in her manner) to my very face things that carried with
them suspitions of a dangerous consequence.

For the prevention thereof, I seemingly show’d much kindness unto her,
giving her a many good words, & granting her with all leave to visit
those two young-men, with this proviso, she would not wrong me, and all
this was to pacifie for the present, till I was ready to go from the
implacableness of of her revengful spirit, which is an Inmate properly
not onely in her, but in all the _Indians_ her Countrey people. She
seem’d hereat to be very well satisfied, but so impatient she was to
have a review of them, that she went from me immediately to them, at the
sight of them she represented her joy in so many antick shapes, and
formes, that all which were present burst out into a great fit of
laughter, which she construed in favour of her self, supposing from
hence, they were over-joy’d to see her; and what made her believe it the
more, was their welcoming her to their new house, in the best manner
they could, drinking to her so often (in the best liquors they had) till
she was half Sea-over; the heat of the PERSIAN-wine she drank, gave fire
to the old train, which should kindle the Magazine of Love, which lay
covert in the Cole-pit of her hellish lust; and now breaking like a
Hand-granado, the pieces of the shell could not fly faster than her arms
did about their necks, there was no warding them, so that they were
forc’d to submit to the cruelty of her over-powerful affection. But when
she insisted upon the complement thereof, they bade her then desist, for
they were resolv’d never to wrong her Husband in that nature, and
threatned her, that if she would not be civil, they would acquaint him
therewith. Hearing them menace her after that fashion, she retreated and
sate down at a distance, and seem’d somewhat pensive, but having spoke
some few words to a Black that past by her in the _Indian_ tongue (which
I would have understood had I been by) to which there was a sudden
reply; she seem’d to throw off her melancholly and re-assume her jolly
attempt, telling them that the next day she would come again, if they
would make as much of her as they had done then; they told her they
would.

I visiting them that evening, they acquainted me how welcome they had
made my wife for my sake, how she had renew’d her love, and how
preposterously she had manag’d it; in recital thereof we had good sport
over a Bowl of Punch: to avoid the dangers of going home late I bade
them goodnight. In the morning early coming down I found one of their
female Slaves close in discourse with my wife, who seeing me vanished; I
suspecting nothing, went to the _Bannian_ about my business, and that
day we had so much business to do, that it was near night, before I
could visit our friends, to acquaint them what progress I had made
therein, and how near it was brought to consummation. But I had no
sooner entred the doors, but my ears were entertain’d with the doleful
groans of my two disguised _Amazons_, who lay upon a Matt on the ground,
foaming at mouth with the Scrivener & Drugster, & _Gregory_ attending
them, offering their utmost assistance, which was to little purpose,
since they were ignorant of what they ail’d; as soon as I saw them, I
knew they were poyson’d, having seen several in the like condition (a
common practice among them upon the least suspition of an injury
design’d, or an offence already receiv’d) but knew not what remedy to
apply, and whilst I was in consultation with myself what was best to do,
I saw _Malls_ teeth drop out of her head, and _Gregory_ going to raise
her head, the skin and hair with it came off in his hands like a
Perriwig, so did the hair of the other; so strong was the poyson
administred, that _Mall_ died in less than half an hour after the
reception thereof; but _Dorothy_ escaped ever to a miracle.

This sad accident had like to have converted the house into a Bedlam,
for the three young men which had attended them in this disaster, were
so strongly distracted at the sight of what had happened, that I thought
the Devil had just then by a reentry took possession of them, or that
they had taken the same potion of Poyson, which was very near as bad;
believing it would work as subtlely and as nimbly on them as it had
already done, (_Principiis obsta_) I ran with might and main for some
Sallad-oyl, a Jarr where of I brought in the twinkling of an eye, Drink,
drink, said I, to them all, quickly, quickly, one after the other, as
fast as you can, which they did, not knowing any reason therefore, but
that I commanded them; having even gorg’d themselves with it, and being
not able to drink anymore, I poured it down their throats till I had
almost choak’d them, or rather drowned them therein, they cried out to
me, for the love of God to forbear, or I should kill them, judging me to
be mad indeed: as they were evacuating what they had too plentifully
received, the Captain whom I had left with the _Bannian_ to follow after
me, came in, who asking me what was the matter? I told him particularly.
He could not but shew something of trouble, but having been acquainted
with all sorts of losses and miseries from his Cradle in a manner by
traversing to and fro the Universe, he bore this with a patience
agreeable to his courage and Man-hood, and now our friends having
disembogu’d the Oyl that was within them, shew’d all the appearances of
perfect health; now seeing them in a condition to return an answer to
what questions I should propound to them, I ask’d what strangers they
had entertained at home to day? they reply’d, None; but, said _Gregory_,
let us first see whether a certain she-devil of ours be within, and then
I shall tell you what I have observed; upon this we search’d for her,
but could not find her, it seems the same Black I found in the morning
discoursing with my wife, when having done this execrable murder, by the
instigation of my other devil at home, was fled, as more plainly by and
by will appear. Said _Gregory_, not full an hour since; whilst we were
at the farther end of the house busied about our wares, Mistress _Mary_,
and Mistress _Dorothy_, commanded some wine to be brought them, which
was accordingly done by this female we now miss, and brought in a
midling Cocoa-nut bowl; they were just drinking the third time round, as
we came in, nay, now said _Mall_, my little merry _Grigg_, here’s to the
Mistress of thy affections, speaking to me, and drinking heartily, I
looking into the Bowl to see how much was left, this Black dasht the
Bowl out of my hand, and because there was but little in it, I judged it
onely to be an effect of her rude petulancy, and so did the rest, taking
no further notice. Presently our two friends grew extraordinary ill, and
though we were three to two yet they would have found work for as many
more had not death thus bound one of them hand and foot, and the other
seemingly dead for the present: I will lay my life, said I, I know where
there is another of the Conspirators, so taking the Captain with me
only, we made all the hast we could to my own house, and found by the
extraordinary number of people therein, that something more than
ordinary was the matter, and so there was, for my wife with her beloved
Dagger, had with one home stabb made a hole through her heart, wide
enough for half a score lives to go out a brest without jostling one the
other.

I was not troubled to see her thus weltring in her own blood, but that
she had not liv’d to be punish’d suitable to the crime she committed, if
any punishment could be invented. The President of _Bantam_ hearing of
this horrid Murder, sent for me, to whom I gave an ample relation as I
could by information, or otherwise, who seemed very much concerned, and
immediately dispatcht several in the search of the Coadjutrix to the
Murderess, about three days afterwards they found (some ten miles
distant from _Bantam_) a female Carkcass, turn all to pieces, the limbs
thereof were gnawed in that manner, that there was little flesh upon the
bones, onely the head was untouch’d, and some of the company that had
seen her before, would have sworn it was the same, and therefore it was
agreed upon to carry it to the President, which they did, and presently
order’d to be fastned on a long Pole, for a future terror to such like
Malefactors, especially the Natives.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                              CHAP. XXIII.

Latroon _and his Comrades about to leave_ Bantam _and go to_ Surrat,
  _having done lading their Vessel, shew some tricks to prevent
  suspition of marching off, He sets sail from thence and meets with an
  Enemy, an account of a most desperate and horrible fight with him. He
  gives you an exact account or journal of that Voyage from_ Bantam _to_
  Surrat.


Having buried our dead, we resolv’d upon a General Counsel, to see what
we had done, and what we had left undone. We found that half our ready
money was disburst, and that we had above half as much goods upon
Credit, as our whole sum amounted to, and now resolving to make a final
and speedy dispatch of all, I got all my Estate aboard not leaving any
thing valuable behind me, excepting only what was in the house for the
accommodation of my Guests, having an happy opportunity of conveying my
own Goods with the Captains, and others that were concern’d with us the
_Scrivener_, and the rest did the like.

That very day that we intended to set sayl, we were all merry at my
house with the _Bannian_, and promising that the next day we would pay
him what was in arrears, and also lay out five hundred peices more ready
money; he seem’d highly pleas’d, leaving him, we shew’d our selves
through the whole Factory with much Gallantry. The reason that we did
not take in our whole loading in this Port, was the great number of
_Dutch_ Vessels which lately came into the road, and more daily
expected, which we knew would not only obstruct our Credit, but raise
the Commodities of that place. We were fain to scuffle hard among our
Country-men for what we had already, there being at that time at Anchor
in the harbour several ships. And having ready money pretty store we
resolved to take in the rest at _Surrat_, which place would secure us
well enough, and what we had deceitfully got. Having spent most part of
the day in shewing our selves in the Town, about Three of the Clock in
the afternoon, it being the fourteenth day of _July_, we got aboard, as
if we intended to feast it, for there was none of the whole Factory, or
our _Bannian_ especially would think us so indiscreet to set sayl with
half our fraught, that was my policy, and being unsuspected upon that
account we might with the greater facility and security march off.
Getting all our Anchors aboard in a trice, we loost our Sayls away we
steer’d between the Main and _Paulo pan jan_, all the next day till six
in the Evening, being then athwart the _South-salt-hill_, we steered
_South-west_ and by _west_, and _west_ and by _south_, but from that
hill we steer’d _west south west_, having the wind for the most part at
_East south east_ with much rain, which afflicted me grievously, for my
fears of some pursuing us would not let me quit the Decks till I thought
we were out of all danger in being followed. The sixteenth of this
moneth at noon we espy’d _Hippins_ Island _Eastward_ ten leagues off,
having steer’d all night _West south west_. Latitude about 6 Degrees 38
and Longitude from _South-salt-hil_ 6 Degrees 44 _West_, the wind at
_south-east_ with the help of a Currant for twenty four hours, from the
sixteenth to the twenty ninth of this month, we had the winds between
the _south-east_, and _east north east_, with most intolerable rains at
Noon, being in latitude 11 degrees 59 _south_, and longitude 20 Degrees
35 _West_, the variation about 12 Degrees 35 _Westerly_; we sailed this
month on several Courses, four hundred ninty six miles.

Mistress _Dorothy_ being indifferently well recovered though a bad
spectacle to look on by reason of the skin of her body all coming off
with her nails, such was the malignity of the Venome; I say, speaking as
well as she could, desired me to write some lines on her dearly beloved
dead Comrade, knowing that my fancy did ever incline to measure lines,
and so to please my self, more than to give her satisfaction, I composed
these Verses.


             On the death of his _Indian_ wife, and his old
                                 Wench.

        _Start not my_ Muse, _what Paradox is this,
        That the same cause works both my Woe and Bliss?
        Here lies my bliss, a more than brutish Wife,
        By her own Butch’ring hands bereft of life.
        My Woe lies here, my murder’d Joy, Alas!
        What_ Wicked hand _durst bring this_ Ill _to pass_?
        Hells consistory _sate within that brest,
        Which sent my_ Love _to her Eternal rest.
        How happy had I been, had the_ Blest Powers,
        _Enlarg’d her_ Minutes, _and have made them_ Hours.
        _Turn’d these short hours into long days, that I
        Might dread_ Deaths _approach, when she should dye.
        But she is gone past all recal; and we
        Can only weep and sigh her Elegie.
        Though we don’t mourn she can no_ Mourners _lack,
        Each_ Nature _is at her sad death in_ Black,
        _Methinks they’re hoarse with crying, and their votes
        (Being sad, and doleful) do befit their_ Coats.
        _The_ Clouds _dropt tears; the_ Ayry-Quire _(which flies
        Over our heads) do sing her_ Obsequies.
        _Shall we be dumb, whilst Birds do use their Art?
        No let’s in Sorrow bear with them a part,
        When that y’ve done for_ Mall, _bereft of life,
        Rejoyce with me, dead, dead’s my wicked_ Wife.

_August_ the ninth, steering _Northerly_ forty two Leagues, we found
_per observationem_ the Ship to run but thirty seven Leagues, which is
five Leagues less by reason of the Current which sets us the
_South-wards_ Latitude at 6 Degrees 24 Longitude 36 Degrees 58 _West_
from the _Salthil_. This afternoon we were in the Latitude of the
_Changus_, to the _West-wards_ of them, not seeing any sign of danger,
the variation is good help if heedfully observ’d, finding about 22
Degrees when you are in 7 or 8 Degrees of _Southerly_ Latitude, a
_Northerly_ course will go clear of all danger. The twelfth of this
moneth we crost _Æquator_, steering _North, North east_, Latitude 10
Degrees, Seconds 85 Digits _Southerly_ Longitude 36 Degrees 51 digits
_West_, the wind at _South_ and by _West_, the variation 19 Degrees,
Seconds 35 Digits _West_.

The twenty-fifth of _August_ we lay a try with main course, and mizen
our Drift _North_ 9 Leagues, the wind at _South west_, a fresh Gale. One
of our men taking our main Top-sail, cryed out a Sail, a Sail. In a
quarter of an hour by the help of my Prospective, I could discern her to
be an Enemy of considerable force, about some forty four pieces of
Ordinance. She made towards us with all the speed she could, and we to
shorted our way, bore up to her with all the Sail we could make, so that
we fetch’t up one the other quickly although we had but thirty six Guns,
eight less than she carry’d, and having fewer men withal we feared her
not, but ran up board and board with her before we fir’d a Gun, and then
we poured in a whole broad-side into her, whilst we pepper’d them above
with whole Vollies of small shot: they returned us the like kindness,
which kill’d us four outright besides what were wounded. Our Captain
behav’d himself very manfully, and so bestirr’d himself in the fight,
shewing so clear a courage as would have animated a very Coward to
fight, as for my own part the meer observation of his magnanimous
behaviour, infus’d into me more valour than I thought my self capable to
contain, or able to make use of: my Land-water Soldiers, the Scrivener
and his two Companions, by the Captains example, and my encouraging,
look’d Death as boldly, and as daringly in the face, as if they had
intended to look him out of countenance, though at first no shot, either
great or small went whistling by them but what made them dap their
heads, as if that would secure them; that Bullet which injures man never
tattles in his ear the ensuing danger; that Bullet that whistles in the
Air, proclames your crown as safe from cracking, as is the Goose after
she hath past through the Barn door stooping lest her lofty head should
knock the top thereof.

There was not any in the Ship exempted from Service, every man as he was
Quartered not budging, but doing the utmost he could to offend his
Enemy; a brave young stout fellow (whom I shall never forget) standing
by me and my _Bantam_ Comrades, a shot came and took away his legg with
that fury, that it rebounded from the side; falling, he seemed not a wit
daunted, but called out aloud, Courage Captain, I warrant you Victory,
if you will but send down this Foot and Legg of mine to the Gunner, and
let him send it to them instead of shot, and I shall laugh to see here,
how it will kick the Arses of those insolent Rogues; _Gregory_ standing
by and seeing what had past, though something scar’d, yet would not
discover any fright, and to hide it the better, commended the brave
resolution of the man, and as he was laughing at the odness of his
conceit (poor Fellow) a shot came and took away one side of his face, so
dyed immediately, now it may be said, _he could laugh at him but with
half a mouth_. This last unhappy Bout so scared the little valor which
was in the Scrivener, that he instantly quitted his station, and
disorder’d more men in his way to his supposed safety, the Hold, than
twenty Troopers could have done in the midst of a Foot-company, a little
afterwards the Drugster attempted to do the like, some of the men in the
waste, seeing him upon his flight (just as I was moving on the same
design) cried out, knock him down, knock down that cowardly fellow with
a handspike, thinking they had meant me, being on the motion, I
endeavour’d to prove the contrary by giving him a sore pelt over the
noddle with my Musquet which laid him a sleep on the Deck; was highly
commended by our Captain for so doing, telling me that two such fellows
among a thousand men, nay an Army of ten times the number, might by
their fear occasion their total overthrow.

The Drugster recovering got to his Quarters, and thought it better to
dye fighting than to be kill’d for being afraid to dye, to work he went
with a Blunderbuss, and fired it so often that he durst not charge it
again till it was cooler, my Musquet was in the like condition. By this
time the Enemy began to stand away from us, but we were resolv’d to keep
her company, and make her pay for the trouble and cost she had put us
to. We perceiv’d she had much a doe to keep herself above water, so that
we were not long before we came to bear again upon her, which we did so
efficaciously, that by a lucky shot penetrating her powder room she blew
up, we being so near her, I verily thought she would have blown us into
the air too, as she did her own men, part of which fell down into our
Ship, as if you would have scatter’d faggot sticks off a house top: we
had not above six men in all kill’d, and about nine wounded, none
mortally, which were immediately committed into the hands of an
excellent Chirurgion we had aboard, who took such a special care of them
that before we came to _Surrat_, they were all perfectly cured.

Our ship receiv’d some dammage which was rectifyed by our Carpenters as
well as they could for the present, and sail’d forward in our voyage.
The next day we were forc’d to lye a Try again, which we did the
thirtieth day, the wind at South-west allowing each days drift. The one
and thirtieth we shortned sail all but our Sprit-sail, top-sail because
of falling too soon with the Coast of _India_. This month we ran eight
hundred fifty two Leagues on several Courses.

From the first to the fourth of _September_, we stood away only with a
sprit-sail top-sail the course and distances, _&c._, observed having a
fair wind Westerly, but the next we steer’d East and by North, with
Sprit-sail and fore-topsail. The fifth from twelve to six (_per
Compass_) East five Leagues, having at four of the Clock had ground
sixty four fathome Oazy sand, then set more sail and stood in _North,
North-west_ till six in the morning, our depth in running the Course of
seven Leagues was fifty five, sixty and sixty-four Fathome in Latitude,
about 20 Degrees, Seconds 42 and Longitude 30 Degrees, Seconds, 3 Digits
_West_. On the sixth day we steer’d _East_ and by _North_, till four in
the afternoon, at which time we saw Land, it was low and Sandy banks,
with some Trees, and a white Tower or Church which may be seen four or
five Leagues off. This place was judged by those men of ours that had
sail’d often this way, to be fourteen Leagues to the _westward_ of
_Diu_. This evening we took a small boat not far off _Poramena_, bound
to _Chichauho_ near _Caule_, they had only three horses in her, having
nothing in her worth making prize, we dismist them the next day without
taking ought from them. The seventh and eight dayes we stood off and on,
expecting to meet with some Jonks. On the ninth we met with a Jonk of
_Gogo_, coming from _Mare Rubram_, or the Red-Sea, richly laden, which
we took, imagining we now were made for ever, but the Commander soon
dasht all our joyes, by producing a pass from the President of _Surrat_,
upon sight hereof our Captain durst not detain her. I was on board her
and having seen some part of her _Cargo_, I judg’d by that the richness
of the rest, and therefore perswaded the Captain to make her prize
though she had a hundred president passes, but he would not yeild,
knowing better the danger than I did, and so dismist her to my great
sorrow.

On the tenth we took a Jonk belonging to the King of _Succatore_, bound
as they said, to _Surrat_, (the Devil was in our Captain to believe a
word they said if ought might be gotten by them) and had aboard of her
little that was considerable, saving six horses, and bast to make Ropes
withal, wherefore he dismist her.

On the eleventh we anchored in twenty fathom three Leagues off the
shore, to give notice if any Jonks should pass by in the night, they
stood to the _Westwards_; and met a Jonk coming from the Red-sea, but
this cowardly Hulk seeing our Boat, supposed her to be a Scout from some
Man of War not far off, ran and sheltered her self under a Fort some
fourteen Leagues to the West-ward of _Diu_-head. This Jonk had some
_Europeans_ aboard her, which plyed their small shot so that our Boat
was forced to leave her, and coming aboard us was sent out again better
provided with men and arms to lye as they had done before, to meet with
the said Jonk, but in the night came six Sayl of Friggats instead of her
and anchored by them. Our desperate daring less than little _Fan Fan_,
would not leave them (knowing who they were) till she had spit that
little Venom that was in her and then retir’d, this so allarm’d us that
we got all sayls loose; and weighing up our Anchor the Cable broke, so
our Anchor was lost; we stood in and having spent some shot on the
Friggats notwithstanding there was such inequality in the number, they
stood away for the shore and left us, however we would not let them pass
so, but being some seven Leagues from _Diu_-head, in the night we stood
in again amongst the Friggats, but there being little wind and a light
night, they crept under the shore, from the twelfth to the seventeenth
we plyed to and again, standing off in the day, and in again at night,
seeing these Friggats every day, but could not come at them; they lay
there to give the Jonks notice of us as we supposed.

The eighteenth we made up to the Land of Saint _John’s_ fourteen or
fifteen Leagues off, near which we took a boat that came from _Danda
ja-vapore_, bound for a place near _Diu_, out of this boat we only took
two _Mestico’s_ and a boy, and so dismist her; anchoring at eighteen
Fathome Oazy (being high water and little wind) in Latitude 19 Degrees,
48 Digits, about nine Leagues of shore, _Valentines pike_, _East_ and by
_South_, _per_ Compass.

The two and twentieth we saw a Jonk and gave chase to her, fetching her
up we found her to be a great Junk of _Surrat_, bound for _Acheen_ with
Merchandise, having a pass from the President and Councel, therefore he
medled not with them; but in the afternoon came to an anchor in two and
twenty Fathom, about thirty Leagues of shore. The weather was gusty with
much rain, but never did I hear such peals of Thunder, nor see such
great and continued flashes of Lightning: at four in the evening the
next day we anchor’d at eighteen fathom within six leagues of _Damon_,
the wind at _North North east_, and variable, with such terrible claps
of Thunder and Lightning, that my friends, the Scrivener and Drugster
would have freely parted with all they had to have been at the bottom of
a _Cornish_ Tinn-mine. They envied now poor _Gregories_ condition,
accounting his misery a great happiness, for since the Element of Water
had received him into the Womb of her protection, the Element of fire
might as soon give him a new soul as to detriment his body, theirs being
now minutely expos’d to the mercy of its uncontroulable fury.

On the twenty fifths evening we anchored in ten fathom reddish clay, the
_Pagod_ _East, North east_, _per_ Compass, and the trees of old
_Swalley_, _North, North-east_, about three Leagues off; the next day
the wind being at _North, North-west_, we turn’d up and anchor’d in ten
fathom, the Toddy-trees _East_ and by _North_, _per_ Compass.

Lastly, having laid one buoy on the tonge of the sand and another on the
point of the Main, we came over the Barr, the least water is four fathom
and half at half flood, so we ran in till the Souther-Toddy-tree bore
South and by East _per_ Compass, and there anchor’d in eight fathom
water. This month we sailed not above one Hundred and seven Leagues.

------------------------------------------------------------------------




                              CHAP. XXIV.

Latroon _and his friends arrive in_ Swalley _Road, they go ashore at_
  Surrat, _are entertained with other Captains of Ships lately come to
  an Anchor, by the President; he discovers an old Mistress of his and
  his old fellow servant, waiting on a Captain in a disguising habit; he
  renews his acquaintance with her; she tells him what befell her after
  his unworthy shipping her to_ Virginia, _and the cause of her coming
  for_ India. _She enters into a League with_ Latroon _to cheat her
  pretended Master, which she did, the manner how. They sail together
  from_ Surrat _homeward._


The next day after our coming to an Anchor in _Swalley_ Road, there came
in to us six sail of _Dutch_-ships from _Nova Batavia_; and two days
after came in four _English_ ships more into the same Port. One of the
Captains meeting with a Fleet of Friggats entring in at the Rivers
mouth, was boarded by them and unhapily blown up, himself and others of
his Company escaped, but were miserably burnt with powder. The ship
drave into _Swalley_ over the Bar and was tow’d on shore by our Boats
and Barges, but all in a manner consumed by the fire; there was a
_Dutch_-ship fought with the Friggats this while, which Sunk three of
them, and in the fight there was three more surpriz’d, the first by the
_Charles_ Barge, the next by our Long-boat, which we doubly mann’d, and
the last by the _Dutch_: they were but of little value, being laden with
_Paddee, Beech-leaves_ and other trifles.

Now did our Captain command the Skiffs to be mann’d, and taking me, the
Scrivener, Drugster, with some of the Ship, we went ashore, and
presented our selves to the President, who wellcom’d us in the best
manner he could, and to speak the truth, his entertainment was
magnificent; whilst we were frankly drinking Healths to our friends in
_England_, there came into us (who came ashore that morning) the
Captains of the other three Ships, with their Chief Officers, as also a
great many _Dutch_ Commanders and their Attendants, we used to say _The
more the merrier_, and so found it, for the President as he was a very
generous man, so he was prudent, and therefore by his noble deportment
towards us, was resolved to oblige us both.

We on the other side, strove to out-vy each other in gallantry of
Spirit, and in this manner we continued feasting three days, swimming in
an Ocean of Liquor.

In this time of our Jollity I minded especially a young man that waited
on one of the Captains; he had a very Sweet countenance, but his
Complexion was very much Sun-burnt by travelling; I did verily believe I
had seen the face before, and therefore very much eyed it, which he
perceiving fixt his eyes as often on me, for I never cast my eye that
way where he stood waiting, but I found him still looking towards me.

My heart renewed private intelligence what he was, but my reason could
not so much as guess from whence it came; for by the extraordinary
motion thereof beating strokes on my brest as nimbly as a Drummer a
Travale on his Drum-head; I look’d on him as one I knew, neither was I
alone thus, for at that distance I could perceive that the sight of me
did put him into a strange confusion.

As I was contriving how to have some private conference with him, his
Master commanded him to take some of the Boats Crew and go aboard and
fetch him something which he wanted, he had no sooner receiv’d the
Command, but casting his Eyes on me he endeavor’d to tell me by them, he
had an eager desire to speak with me.

He going out, I withdrew from the Company, desiring their excuse for a
while and follow’d him, but coming near him he trembled so he could
hardly move a foot forward, seeing him in that agony, I asked him what
ailed him? Bade him not be afraid, that I came not after him to mischief
him, or injure him in the least. I believe, said he, you intend me no
harm now, but it would have been well if you had never done me any. How!
replyed I, it is impossible I should be so cruel as to injure a face so
innocently harmless as thine appears: yes, Sir, you have, said he, and
were it not for something within me I have no name for, I would be
reveng’d on thy very soul for the abuse thou hast done me; I have now no
longer time left to discourse you, but to-morrow meet me under the
Southern Toddy-trees, and there I shall not fail to let you understand
the miseries of ——, and there he dropt his tears so fast that he could
hardly see his way before him. I was so amazed at what I had seen and
heard, that there I stood as a thing immovable, speechless, and almost
sensless; staying somewhat too long, the Captain came out to look me,
and found me in this posture staring up into the Skie; What’s the matter
man? said he, what wonders dost thou see there, thou dost so gaze? I
tell thee man, said he, this is no proper time nor place to take an
observation, we are now at Land; but he knew not what observation I had
taken, if he had he would have spoiled the Instrument if he could.

Recollecting my self, Your pardon good Sir, said I, I protest you drink
too smartly within, so that I was forc’d to come out to suck in some
little airy refreshment. This shall not excuse you, quoth he, therefore
come along with me. Coming in he told the whole company in what a
rediculous posture he found me, and did so Romance upon it, that he made
them all laugh. One while, said he, he was telling the Clouds he saw,
pleasing himself with the several monstrous shapes they bore, though I
could not see one in all our Hemisphere. Then he turned his ear up to
the firmament, as if he were hearkening to the Sweet harmony of the
Sphears, and in my conscience, if I had not prevented him, I had seen
him madly dance by himself without one stroke of Musick. After this he
turn’d his eyes upwards again, and fixing them there awhile, the nine
heavens or firmaments were so transparent to his sight, that looking
through them, he recounted their particular names to himself in order as
they were posited. He would have proceeded but that the company would
not let him, for my own part he might have talked till dooms-day without
any interruption from me, my thoughts being wholly imployed in searching
out the meaning of what the young man lately spake to me.

I observed after his return, he could not or would not look once towards
me as long as I staid. That night we parted some staying ashore, others
going aboard; but I, knowing what business I had to do the next morning,
lay all night with one of the Factors, a true Toper, and one that I had
been formerly merry with in _London_. I got up early and went to the
place appointed, where I staid not long e’re I saw him whom I expected
advancing towards me, I arose to meet him, so walking together we chose
a place where we sate down, which was both convenient, and secret for
our purpose. As I was about to speak he prevented it, by calling me
base, faithless, perjur’d man (I starting up, laid my hand on my Sword)
Nay hold, Sir, said he, think not to expiate your offence by murdering
the person against whom they were committed, so pulling off his Perriwig
discovered some short red hair? do you know this colour, said he, which
once you told me you lov’d beyond any other? Here is the same Dimple in
the Chin, and Mole on the Lip, and the same skin (stripping open his
doublet) which you have unreasonably praised for its excelling
whiteness; these were the flatteries you used to delude a poor credulous
maiden, whom you not onely sham’d but ruin’d. You cannot forget your
matchless treachery in seducing me aboard a _Virginia_ ship, in whom I
was carry’d thither and sold, you hoping by that villany to have been
for ever rid of me and mine.

I now saw who she was (my fellow servant when I was an Apprentice) and
knowing what she said to be a truth, I ask’d her forgiveness,
acknowledging all my unworthyness to her, and protested if she durst
trust me once more I would make her amends for all, at which she smil’d
(for she ever lov’d me too well to be angry with me) I taking hold of
this advantage did so press her to a forgiveness, that she could not
deny me, having seal’d it with a thousand kisses: and now dear _Jane_,
said I, I have a longing desire to know how you spent your time in
_Virginia_, and how you came hither with this Captain; that I shall do
briefly, she replyed.

_When I saw that you had so cruelly trappan’d me, and that all your love
was nothing but a deluding pretence to enjoy what you could, and be shut
of me afterwards as I saw you had done, I attempted to fling my Self
into the Sea, but being prevented in that, I betook my self to my Cabbin
where for grief I lay the whole Voyage so desperately ill that none had
any hopes of my life, for my Child dying as I suppose for want of those
that should carefully looke after it. Arriving at_ Virginia, _and
anchoring at_ Potomack River: _several_ Planters _came aboard of us, and
made a quick riddance of all the Passengers but my self, none offering a
pipe of Tobacco for me, for I was grown so weak I could not stand, and
so lean that I was a meer skinful of bones. The Master seeing me in this
condition, and judging I could not live two dayes to an end, commanded
me to be carried ashore to dye. A Planters wife that was very antient,
seeing me lie in that miserable and deplorable manner, took pity on me,
and took me home to her house, where she proved so good a Nurse to me
that every day I did sensibly amend. Being well, there was a great
contest between the Husband of this good old woman, and the Master whose
Servant I should be, a Suit was commenced, and upon tryal the Master was
cast he putting me a shore as useless to him, acquitted himself of all
future trouble with me. I being clear from him, my good Patron and
Patroness discharged me in open Court for having any thing to say to me,
for what necessaries they had provided for me during my sickness, being
now a free-woman I had a hundred good matches offered me, all which I
refus’d; there were some of the great ones too courted me for their lust
(for I had now recovered my complexion, and my eyes had shaken off that
dulness which had clog’d the swiftness of their motion) but all these
temptations prevailed not, the memory of you had too large a power over
my heart than to yield to any one else. But length of time began by
degrees to extenuate that esteem I had of you, so that I did not behave
my self so reservedly as formerly I had, but assumed a great deal of
freedome. One day my Master (as I now call him) coming to the house
where I was (for his Ship then rode in the River not far off us) took so
great a likeing to me at the first sight, that as he hath confess’d
since, he was never at quiet but when in my society; So that in a little
time he had so won upon my affections, that my carriage towards him
sufficiently demonstrated how dearly I loved him. To conclude, he made a
perfect conquest of me, and as the earnest of a perpetual tye, he fully
enjoyed me, and promised marriage if I would go with him as soon as he
came to_ Weymouth _in the west of_ England, _where stood his Habitation.
I greedily swallowed all his perswations (although one would have
thought me more wary, having been so notoriously cheated by you before,)
& the time coming when he would set sail, I march’d down to his Ship
with as many as would have compleated a Regiment which followed me,
looking upon me as the most absolute mirror of Chastity which ever
arrived in those parts, joyful I was to return to my native Country, and
as glad was my overcomer in that he had obtained so pretty a play-fellow
to pass away his time in his passage homewards. In seven weeks we came
upon the coast of_ England, _and was by the stress of weather put into_
Plymouth-_sound, where we rode with much difficulty between the Island
and the Land. The third day after our anchoring there, the wind ceasing
though the weather was somewhat hazy, he went ashore, and taking none
with him but my self Coxswain and his Crew. I wondred what he meant by
it, my fond hopes prompted me to believe that here he would perform the
promise he made me at_ Virginia, _but I found my self deceiv’d; for he
dismist the boat after he had fill’d their skins full of wine, and
commanded them to wait upon him in the morning._

There being now none left but he and I together; Dearest, said he, be
not troubled at what I shall tell you, and it shall be never the worse
for you. I have a Wife and Children at _Waymouth_, although to gain my
ends of you I pretended to have none; she is the most jealous woman in
the world, and well she may, for she knows there is no woman in the
Creation much more deform’d than her self, wherefore this I would have
you to do that I may continue your company; you shall change your
feminine habit for what is masculine, under which disguise you shall
pass as a young man I have met with abroad, which for fancy’s sake I
have chosen to be my Companion in my Travels. _I thought I should have
sunk into the Earth to hear him make this new confident proposition to
me after so many vowes and promises to make me his wife, but gathering
courage, I started out of his hand and would have gone down stairs, but
pulling me back, what said I, are all my expectations come to this? must
I be only your wandring whore at last? have I left so many wealthy
matches at_ Potomack _for this? no, I am in mine own Country, in a place
where I am not known, & I will wash and scour for a lively-hood rather
than submit so basely after so many worthy proffers. Notwithstanding a
thousand resolutions I had to leave him; yet such was the subtlety of
mans sly insinuation, that he made me unsay all that I had said in less
than half an hour; and I agreed to everything he would have me do.
Leaving me at the Tavern he went immediately, and bought a suite (which
he guest would fit me) with Hatt, Shooes, Stockings, and whatever was
requisite to cloath a young man fashionably, and brought them to me upon
tryal, they exactly fitted me. Now because we would not give any cause
of suspition to the people of the house where we were in changing my
habit, it was concluded on between us to walk out of the town somewhere,
he being well acquainted with all the places about the town, made choice
of_ Catdown, _where in the cleft of an hollow rock I unchas’d, throwing
my proper habit into the Sea, and although it was somewhat immodest I
was forc’d to beg his help in my new metamorphosis; he had procur’d me a
very_ All-a-mode _Perriwig, but before that would fit me he must play
the Barbar himself, which he did by cutting my hair off close to my
head. Being now clad with everything requisite from top to toe, we made
towards the town again, where entring the former house we were in, we
drank and were very merry, having a noise of musick, having supp’d one
bed serv’d us without suspition; in the morning came the boat for us
with the doctor in her, who asked my Master very seriously for the
Gentlewoman, he replyed she had kindred and friends in this place and
that she resolv’d to stay with them awhile; then he enquired what that
young man was; O, said he, he is of my former acquaintance, who having
little to depend on here, is resolv’d to see the world abroad with me.
Coming aboard our Master need not make a repetition of what he had
already said, the Doctor did it for him: now did we set sail steering
for_ Waymouth _which we did reach in a little time._

_I was entertain’d in his house with much civility from his wife, and
the servants observing what respect their Master shew’d me, paid me the
like. There was seldom a day wherein he had me not to a Tavern,
sometimes with company, but most commonly alone, and this life I led for
fourteen moneths; at the expiration of which my master being employed by
some Merchants in a Voyage to East_-India, _took me along with him by
which means we have the wonderful hap to see one another again._

My _Jinny_ having ended her discourse, I endeavoured to endear myself
unto her with all the outward demonstrations I could devise or imagine,
protesting for the future I would never violate my faith to her, that
she and I would run our fortune, live together, and she dying I would
voluntarily do so too, to accompany her to the other world.

Fearing lest I should detain her too long, and give her Master any cause
of suspition, I dispatch’d her away, and soon after went aboard our own
ship, but before I went I appointed her to meet me there two days after.
The Captain, my self, and all that were concern’d, went roundly about
our business, for since he had gone beyond the bounds of his commission,
he was resolv’d not to return home with her, but convert Ship and goods
to his own use; this in secret he acquainted me with, as knowing my
ingenious rogueship would be very helpful and assistant to him in all
his enterprizes; and that I might oblidge him to me in an absolute bond
of friendship, I seem’d to make him my Cabinet-counsel in all my
affairs, and did really inform him of the truth of the last Adventure,
knowing I could not carry on my design without his privity and help.

He did much wonder to hear me tell him that I had here also discovered
another of my wenches in man’s apparrel, but his wonder turn’d into
rejoycing when I told him how this wench should enrich our Stock by
robbing her or his pretended Master of his Gold and what else he had
valuable, and could hardly rest to think how I would effect my design.
Fear not, said I, his Gold is all our own, therefore let us lay out our
own as fast as we can, in the commodites of this place. The _Dutch_
thought we had the Devil and all of mony, to see our goods come tumbling
in upon us so fast, so that with what goods we took in at _Bantam_, and
what we receiv’d here, our ship wanted but little of her full fraught.

The time was come wherein I was to have another Mess of discourse with
my _Jinny_, who was punctual to her time, and there before me at the
place appointed. And after some few amorous ceremonies I seriously told
her that it was my intent never to part with her during life, she
answered that it was her desire, and that she would run any hazard to
bear me company; well, said I, make your self ready to go along with us,
for we are resolv’d to set sayl within these two dayes; that I shall
(she said) and know that I will not come with empty hands; my love shall
neither be burthensome to you, nor expensive; how prithee, how said I,
why thus, my pretended Master, as I have told you loves me dearly,
expressing it in whatever way I desire, and to let me see how great a
trust he dares impose upon me, and what confidence he hath of my
fidelity, I have the key of his Chest wherein is contain’d 8 hundred
Jacobuss’s, besides a box of rough diamonds with other stones of price,
all of which, or as much as I can carry off handsomely will I bring to
thee, so much efficacy hath my first Lover over me that I could be
content to undo all the rest to raise thee. I told her the notion was
very suitable to our present affair, and that it was the best and
easiest course I could propound for our happy living hereafter, and that
when she saw any white thing hanging in our shrowd she should then fall
to her work, which should be the token of our being all ready; which she
could easily do at any time, for the Captain being almost continually a
shore and she with him, it was but waiting for the boat (upon the sign
given) which at her command would carry her aboard and bring her with
the least word ashore. Moreover that having got the prize, she should
presently make down to the _Toddy-trees_, over against which we lay at
Anchor, and upon the signal of a Handkerchief, we would send our boat
instantly ashore to receive her. All which according to instruction was
exactly perform’d, the Captain whom she requited in this manner for all
his love being at that time dead drunk by an invitation of the Factors
of _Surrat_.

Having got my double Treasure aboard, and what lading we desir’d, our
Hold shut up, our Anchors weigh’d, and our Canvas spread, away we sail’d
over the Bar, with an hundred shot after us, for our Country-men as well
as _Hollanders_, concluded there must be some damn’d inexpressible
Treachery in this our suddain sailing, neither giving notice some days
before, or fairly taking our leaves by fireing of Guns according to
Custom; besides they knew we had not taken in our full Lading. Let them
fire their hearts out we valued them not, in derision we fir’d a Gun at
stern, and so stood to the Southwards.

I knew very well this female confident of mine would effectually do the
business we had plotted together, and so to divert my self and make
sport with the Captain of the discovery of my Rival, I wrote some few
Lines and nail’d them on a Toddy-tree on the shore directed to the said
Captain, which I knew would be discovered by some or other, and carried
to him the verses were as follow.

    Noble Captain.

        _’Twas a close plot y’ faith, but ’twould not hide
        From me your_ wench, _which should have bin my_ Bride;
        _You chang’d her Garb, but could not change her face;
        Nor change her heart, where once I had a place
        Nere thence to be remov’d although she show’d
        Some love to you, the Debt to me she ow’d._
        Love _was a stranger to her till I came.
        Whom seeing lov’d, and loving lost her fame.
        Sated with her delights I basely prov’d
        Th’ ingrate that loath’d what I should still have lov’d.
        I turn’d her off, well might she then perplex
        Herself, and curse th’_ inconstance _of our_ Sex.
        _To be reveng’d, with me she did confer,
        To do her_ right _on those that_ wronged _her.
        I was the first, but me she did forgive,
        Because as one, we must together live.
        You were the next, whose crimes are manyfold,
        Yet have sued out your pardon with your_ Gold:
        _Your subtle Wheedlings cheated her belief,
        And would have filch’d her heart to play the_ Thief.
        _You stole into her Secrets, so that she
        May at_ Loves-bar _charge you with_ Felony.
        _For thus purloyning, stealing hearts away,
        And being caught you now shall soundly pay.
        She vows to me, she’l spare you not a bit,
        But keep intire the_ Purchase _of her_ Wit.
        _What_ Protestations, _and what_ Oaths _you made,
        Were broke by you as soon as they were said.
        Your great pretences and your bouncing Stories;
        The idle flashings of your fancy’d glories;
        All which she minds not, since she hath requir’d
        A Treasure which so long we both desir’d.
          Now we are now almost quits (against your will)
        This is the_ Sum _that must discharge our_ Bill:
        Imprimis _so much; lying by her side,
        And breaking promise, made her not your_ Bride.
        Item _for changing_ Petty-coats _for_ Hose,
        _And doing something, which I wont disclose._
        Item _for making such a pretty toy,
        Your_ wanton Mistris, _and your_ Cabbin-boy;
        _Whom Morning, Noon, and sometimes very late,
        Fail’d not to make your constant_ Trickry-mate.
        _Thus stands th’ Account, and now we’re even just,
        Discharging you of what we did intrust,
        If not quite broke, for some new_ Credit _look,
        You ne’re shall enter more into our_ Book.

I shall not trouble you with the particulars of an exact Journal of our
voyage from _Surrat_ till we came to _Venice_, to which part we were
bound, but only give you some light touches by the way.

The last day of _April_ we cross’d the _Æquator_, and the first of _May_
made a new way by judgement, and by observation our way was four Leagues
to the South-wards, having a rowling Sea out of the Souther board. The
fourth of _June_ in the morning we saw the Island _Mauritius_ and a
little after three or four small Islands appeared also; we stood in
betwixt _Mauritius_ and these Islands, and when we were thwart the point
of Rocks which lye on _Mauritius_ side, we edg’d off towards the Island,
giving that point and breach a good birth; our depth was twenty, and two
and twenty fathom hard ground, and being within one mile of the
westermost rock, we had twenty four fathom, the wind being at south
east, we left into the shore about a mile distant from it we anchored
that night. Here we rode near ten days, refreshing our selves with what
the Island afforded, as Goats, Hogs, and fresh fish good store. It is
reported here are many fish rank poyson, we did eat all sorts, as
_Mullets_, _Lantarasks_, _Whiskers_, _Rockfish and Garfish_, and many
others, but found no harm by feeding on them. We set sail hence and
about 28 Leagues distance from _Mauritius_, we pass’d by an Island
call’d the _Moschachenas_, near which we sprung a leak, that each hour
we pumpt above two hundred and fifty strokes, it being gusty whether and
a great Sea out of the South-east, but by our Carpenters it was happily
stopt, although it was under the next timber abaft the well near the
Keel, which by rummidging the Hold they found it so to be. The next
place we anchored at was the Island of _Johanna_, here we had much
lightning and thunder, the wind having been out of the Sea in the day,
and off shore in the night. This place affordeth very good flesh great
quantity of fish and fowl, we had a Bullock for ten long red Cornelion
heads; we had also excellent _Oranges_ and _Lemmons_, the people are
very loving and friendly, having two Governours or Captains among them,
the one call’d _Androm Pela_, and the other _Masse Core_, they desired
of us no other money for ought we bought than those red heads. Sailing
from hence we sprung our main top-mast, which our Carpenters taking down
fisht it and got it up again the same day. On the third of _September_
in latitude 16. d. 33 the wind at South east, we saw the Island of St.
_Helena_, to the west-ward of the Chappel thereof we anchored a mile
distant, the Captain caused the skiff to be hoisted out and so my
_Jinny_, the Scrivener, Drugster, and Doctor _&c._ we landed at
Lemmon-valley. Here with some Guns we carried with us we kill’d Hogs and
Goats, otherwise it is hard to take them, running at the sight of us up
inaccessible craggy Rocks. In ranging through the Isle, our men found
divers Oranges and Lemmon-trees but no fruit thereon, the _Dutch_ having
been there as we suppose, had gathered them, as appeared by their names
on certain Stones and Trees; we caught here _Mackrel_, _Breams_ and
_Borettoes_ good store.

                               __FINIS.__


                 To the Reader instead of the _Errata_.

             _The Author hath his faults the_ Printer _too
             All men whilst here do err, and so do you._

_And therefore_ Reader _pardon the_ Printer, _who promises amendment;
and I hope thy acceptance of this and the fourth part already published
will induce me to finish this_ Story _with a fifth & last part. In the
mean time the Author of this, hath lately written Printed and Published,
another Book entitled._

_The_ Unlucky Citizen, _experimentially described in the various
misfortunes of an_ Unlucky Londoner. _Calculated for the Meridian of
this City: but may serve by way of advice to all the Comonality of_
England. _More particularly to_ Parents _and_ Children, Masters _and_
Servants, Husbands _and_ Wives. _Intermixed with several Choice Novels,
Stored with variety of Examples and advice president and precept.
Illustrated with Pictures fitted to the several Stories._

_And let me assure thee_ Reader _that no more is promised in the Title
than is performed in the Book for it not only equals this in relating
variety of pleasant extravagancies and other Novels but it is profitable
in the many reflections and good advices given to the_ Reader, _and is
intended to be prosecuted in a second part wherein you shall have not
only real and true examples and experiences, but also as good and sound
advice as can be collected from any Book either Morall or Divine which
this age hath produced. Therefore despise it not because of the_ Unlucky
_Title, for it is or will be worthy of thy perusall._

                          Transcriber’s Note.

While acknowledging the ‘To the Reader’ message at the end of the text,
the Printer’s lapses in spelling, capitalization, hyphenation and
punctuation have been corrected where they are obviously typographical.

The word ‘Gaol’ is printed, more often than not as ‘Goal’, and all such
instances are retained. There are two instance s (74.3 and 189.30) where
the first ‘d’ in ‘Landlady’ is missing, once on a end-of-line
hyphenation, and once midline. The remaining fifteen instances are
spelled as we would expect. In the summary of Chapter XXII, the word
‘youngmen’ appears. In the text, the phrase appears either as separate
words, or somewhat more frequently, with a hyphen, but never as a single
word.

Due to the variability of hyphenation, where a hyphenation occurs on a
line or page break, the hyphen is retained or removed based on the
preponderance of the same word elsewhere. Where there are no other or
similar instances, the decision was based on modern usage.

The header of Chapter XII was misprinted as ‘II’.

The following table summarizes the issues encountered, and their
resolution:

 24.26      (the time of child bearing being near       Replaced.
            approaching[,/)]

 33.7       they presenting me with Gloves[,]           Added.

 36.33      in my revenge upon my abus[i]er;            Removed

 45.4       came running to[ to]                        Removed.

 46.9       [(]endeavouring> to excuse himself,         Probable,
                                                        added.

 47.22      but on looking on the pha[n]tasms           Added.

 47.25      thinking how this revengful[,] plot of mine Removed.

 51.26      any time, [b/l]est thy breath for ever      Replaced.
            poyson my memory;

 66.12      [(]which he question’d                      Added.

 73.3       that stood on yon[ ]der                     Removed.

 74.3       to the same Gaol his Lan[d]lady,            Added.

 76.34      care of the [presevation] of my health      _sic_

 81.6       promising the next morning a full           Replaced.
            accoun[s/t]

 89.4       one another[,/.] My Landlord loved his      Replaced.
            pleasure

 95.29      committed to the disciplination [a/o]f      Replaced.

 125.12     he continued stam[p]ing                     Added.

 135.14     manner of Jov[i]al and Sprightly            Added.
            Recreations;

 140.15     what[ what] was his crime?                  Removed.

 150.33     wretch, who did somwhat peniten[r/t]ly      Replaced.

 152.11     changed for one of that pri[e/c]e           Replaced.

 179.29     where the [t/r]hime ended;                  Replaced.

 187.22     drank off our[ our] Wine cheerily           Removed.

 188.23     whilst my [Lady/Land]lady                   Replaced.

 189.30     I knew the secrets of my Lan[d]-lady,       Added.

 191.28     her Friend the La[w]yer                     Added.

 212.18     to contin[n/u]e by her                      Replaced.

 220.8      the manner how, with[ with]                 Removed.

 228.6      given instructions to his Boy what[ to] do  Added.

 258.1      who unaturally                              _sic_

 263.13     these 2 handsome young m[a/e]n              Replaced.

 263.21     she got some Lam[b/p] black                 Replaced.

 266.6      one of the supposed young[-]men             Added.

 269.21     to invite him abroad to morr[r]ow,          Removed.

 277.7      t[r]ouble, but having been acquainted with  Added.
            all sorts

 282.25     _Northerly_ cou[r]se will go clear          Added.

 284.2      and my _Bantam_ Comrades) Comrades[)/,] a   Replaced.
            shot came

 302.3      Imprimis so mu[e/c]h; lying by her side,    Replaced.

 302.12     Dischar[g]ing you of what we did intrust,   Added.