The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon Author: Helen Rowland Release date: June 18, 2016 [eBook #52365] Language: English Credits: Produced by MWS, Charlie Howard, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON *** Produced by MWS, Charlie Howard, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) [Illustration (cover)] THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON [Illustration] THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF THE SEVEN HUNDREDTH WIFE AS REVEALED TO HELEN ROWLAND AUTHOR OF “THE WIDOW” “REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL,” ETC. [Illustration] PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY; NEW YORK MRS. SOLOMON CONTENTS I. GREETING 11 II. BOOK OF HUSBANDS 15 III. BOOK OF FLIRTS 31 IV. BOOK OF DAMSELS 49 V. BOOK OF BACHELORS 67 VI. BOOK OF SIRENS 79 VII. BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 93 VIII. BOOK OF SONGS 109 AND VERILY, A WOMAN NEED KNOW BUT ONE MAN WELL, IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND _ALL_ MEN; WHEREAS A MAN MAY KNOW ALL WOMEN AND UNDERSTAND NOT ONE OF THEM [Illustration] GREETING Hearken, my Daughter, and give ear unto my wisdom, that thou mayest understand _man_--his goings and his comings, his stayings out and his return in the morning, his words of honey and his ways of guile. Beloved, question me not, whence I have learned of man, his secrets. Have I not known _one_ man well? And verily, a woman need know but one man, in order to understand _all_ men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them. For men are of but one pattern, whereof thou needest but to discover the secret combination; but women are as the _Yale lock_--no two of them are alike. Lo! What a paradox is man--even a puzzle which worketh backward! He mistaketh a sweet scent for a sweet disposition, and a subtile sachet for a subtile mind. He voweth, “I admire a discreet woman!”--and inviteth the froward blonde of the chorus to supper. He muttereth unto his wife, “Lo! I will go unto the corner for a cigar”--and behold, he wandereth unto many corners and returneth by a circular route. He kisseth the woman whom he loveth _not_, and avoideth her whom he loveth, lest his heart become entangled. Yea, he seeketh always the wrong woman that he may forget his heart’s desire. Yet, whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life. SELAH. FOR A LONE WOMAN IN A GREAT RESTAURANT LOOKETH PITIFUL; BUT AN HUSBAND LOOKETH LIKE A REAL _TIP_ [Illustration] BOOK OF HUSBANDS CHAPTER ONE Verily, my Daughter, an husband is a Good Thing. He giveth the house a “finished” look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate. He suggesteth ready-money, and is an _adornment_ like unto a potted palm upon the piazza. When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is as a certificate of respectability; yea in the eyes of society, he is better than a written recommendation. Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as a centerpiece, and more impressive than cut flowers and a butler in livery. When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a choice spot within _hearing_ of the music. For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband looketh like a real _tip_. When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring with flying feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much credit. Yea, when thou goest forth to shop, saying “Send this thing to _Mrs._ Jones”, the clerk shall treat thee _almost_ as an equal. Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall come unto thy teas with an easy mind, knowing thou canst have no designs upon them. Thy family shall call thee “_settled_”, and no woman shall call thee “Poor Thing!” Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine husband less them thine ideal, weep not, but be of good cheer. For what profiteth it a woman, though she have every other luxury in all the world, and have not a _little husband_ in her home? CHAPTER TWO A perfect husband, who can find one? For his price is far above gold bonds. The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and he shall have no lack of encouragement. He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth home _all_ his shekels. He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from off the dumbwaiter. He starteth the kitchen range. He considereth his wife, and kisseth her _occasionally_. Six days of the week doth he labor for his moneys, and upon the seventh doeth chores within the house for _relaxation_. With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower and washeth the dog. He layeth his hands to the parlor curtains and putteth up the portieres. He hooketh his wife’s dresses up the back, _without_ mutterings. He putteth the cat out by night. He is _not_ afraid of the cook. His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes in the draperies. For he doeth his smoking on the piazza. He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own buttons. His overcoat doeth him two seasons. Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a _dress suit_ without grumbling. The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth _not_ expect chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the making of lobster patties from an ham-bone. His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth among the officers of her Club, by the fit of her gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth meagrely upon a sandwich that he may adorn her with fine jewels. He grumbleth not at the bills. He openeth his mouth with praises and _noteth_ her new frock. And the word of flattery is on his tongue. He perceiveth not the existence of _other_ women. He may be _trusted_ to mail a letter. Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none like unto _him_. Yet have ye all seen him--in your _dreams_! CHAPTER THREE Behold, my Daughter, the Lord maketh a man--but the _wife_ maketh an _husband_. For Man is but the raw material whereon a woman putteth the _finishing touches_. Yea, and whatsoever pattern of husband thou selectest, thou shalt find him like unto a shop-made garment, which must be trimmed over and cut down, and ironed out, and built up to fit the matrimonial situation. Verily, the best of husbands hath many raw edges, and many unnecessary pleats in his temper, and many wrinkles in his disposition, which must be removed. Lo, I charge thee, be wary in thy choice. For, many shall call, but few shall propose. And, a wise damsel shall with difficulty select that which fitteth her disposition and matcheth her tastes--even that which shall not pinch upon the bank account, neither stretch upon the truth, neither shrink nor run nor fade. At the second-hand counter thou shalt find many widowers, which have been remodelled by another hand. And these are easy to acquire. Yet an hand-me-down may have been spoiled in the making, and become frayed at the edges of the temper, and shiny on the seamy-side. But a _bachelor_ who hath passed forty is a _remnant_; and there is no good material left in him. His sentiments are moth-eaten and his tender speeches shop-worn. His manners shall require much basting and his morals many patches. The gloss hath been rubbed off his illusions and the color hath gone out of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall, peradventure, take one of these and remodel him to seem as new. For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best husband, but she that maketh the best of that which she getteth. Verily, verily, an husband is a _work of art_ which must be executed by hand; for there is no factory which turneth them out to order. CHAPTER FOUR Go to the _lemon grove_, oh, thou Scholarette! For no woman with _brains_ hath ever plucked a peach in the Garden of Matrimony. Nay, it is not given unto one woman to possess both real ability and a real husband. For unto a successful woman an husband is but an adjunct; and no man yearneth to be an _annex_! Alas! He preferreth soft, sweet things, and unto him a woman that knoweth her own mind is an abomination. Verily, verily, a woman with _nerves_ affecteth a man as a mosquito that buzzeth throughout a summer night. She wearieth him. But a woman with _nerve_ is as a cold bath on a winter morning. She shocketh him! Lo, an intelligent _opinion_ in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe. And a wife with _judgment_ which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She appalleth him! My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who hath been happily married? Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and one _throne_ in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself. Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever thou receivest in the _love game_, accept it gladly and rejoice thereat. For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an octogenarian spared from the grave; whether it be a left-over bachelor, or an hand-me-down widower; though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt do _no better_! Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there cometh a season when she yearneth for _sentiment_, and neither the love of her “art” nor the adoration of a poodle dog is sufficient. And a little unhappiness _with_ an husband is more to be desired than great loneliness _without_ one. Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti without sauce and more insipid than bouillon without salt. Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which Fate awardeth thee and let thine heart be comforted. For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to be despised; and even an Highbrow shall find an husband an agreeable distraction from _serious_ things! CHAPTER FIVE How long, oh thou Credulous One, wilt thou continue to marry for a _change_; and the lawyers delight in their fees, and the neighbors in their “I-said-so’s”? For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there is but _one_ kind of husband! Yea, though a man wed seven times seven times, he maketh not the _same_ mistake twice. But the woman who weddeth a second time, _repeateth_ her own history. Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not perceive from his words, neither from the cloves upon his breath, nor the ardor of his greeting, whether it be thy _first_ or thy _second_ husband, that kisseth thee. For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as smooth as another’s. One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as old as another’s. One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry. One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed. One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten. One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird as another without a shave. One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as another. One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom--even as another. One man offereth up the morning and evening growl, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another. Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their promises? For, before marriage, _all_ men are _promising_; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth each and every one of them from a lover into a critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan. Verily, verily, there is this difference only in husbands: That the first maketh thee weep; The second maketh thee wonder; But the third maketh thee weary! SELAH. BRING THE CUSHION FOR HIS HEAD, AND THE FOOTSTOOL FOR HIS FEET, AND FEED HIM FROM THE CHAFING-DISH WITH THE FRUITS OF THINE OWN COOKING [Illustration] BOOK OF FLIRTS CHAPTER ONE Lo! wondrous are the workings of a man’s heart, my Daughter. His love is a thing which riseth and falleth as the stock market; yea, like a football that goeth up, it descendeth swiftly. Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she pleaseth his eyes. Moreover, she is different from the girl _before_ and affordeth a pleasant change. He adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish pipe-dreams. He investeth in new cravats and is particular concerning his collars. He calleth at first, timidly; he getteth on the good side of the family. He bringeth burnt offerings of expensive flowers and sweets from Huyler’s. He readeth the Rubáiyát unto her and inviteth her to meet his _sister_. And, behold, there cometh a day when he kisseth her suddenly and without warning. And another when he kisseth her again--easily. And another when he kisseth her much and often. And another when he kisseth her more casually. And another when he departeth early, and kisseth her but once--“Good night”. And another when he _faileth_ to call. Then, peradventure, she writeth him a letter--which he putteth in his pocket and forgetteth to answer. She summoneth him over the telephone and he goeth into the booth wearily. She reproacheth and revileth him. He picketh a quarrel. She sobbeth “All is over between us!” He answereth “Oh, very well! Even as thou sayest!” And, in time, he meeteth another damsel and doeth it _all over again_. Yea, the selfsame programme he repeateth unto the letter; yet, he _never_ tireth. For lo! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, why shall he lack appetite for the next? Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love beginneth, question not any man how it will end; for it is only in the _beginning_ of things that a man is interested; even in the cream from off the jug, the bubble of the champagne, the meat on the peach, and--the _first kiss_ of a woman. Yet, what mattereth the end? Is not the end of the cream, skimmed milk; and the end of a cigar, a stub; and the end of a peach, a stone; and the end of champagne, dregs; and the end of love, a quarrel? And which of these would ye choose? Verily, the flirtations of a man’s bachelor days are, in passing, as the courses of the love-feast; but a _wife_ is the black coffee which _settleth_ him. CHAPTER TWO Marvellous, oh, my Daughter, is the way of a man with women; for every man hath a _method_ and each his favorite _stunt_. And the stunt that he hath found to work successfully with one damsel shall be practised upon each in turn, even unto the finest details thereof. Behold, one man shall come unto thee saying: “How foolish are the sentimentalists! But, as for _me_, my motives are altruistic and disinterested; and a woman’s _friendship_ is what I most desire.” Yet, I charge thee, seek among his women “friends” and thou shalt not find an _homely_ damsel in all their number. For this is the _platonic_ stunt. Now, another shall try thee by a simpler method. Lo, suddenly and without warning, he shall arise and catch thee in his arms. And when thou smitest him upon the cheek, he shall be overcome with humiliation, crying: “I could not _help_ it!” Yet be not persuaded, but put him _down_ without mercy, lest peradventure, he kiss thee again. For this is the _impetuous_ stunt. Yet observe how still another seeketh to be more subtile. Mark how he sitteth afar off and talketh of love in the _abstract_; how he calleth three times a week, yet remaineth always _impersonal_; how he praiseth the shape of thine hand and admireth thy rings, yet toucheth not so much as the _tips_ of thy fingers. “Lo,” he thinketh in his heart, “I shall keep her guessing. Yea, I shall wrack her soul with thoughts of how I may be brought to subjection. And when she can no longer contain her curiosity, then will she seek to _lure_ me, and I shall gather her in mine arms.” And this is the _elusive_ stunt. But, I say unto thee, my Daughter, each of these is but as a chainstitch unto a rose pattern, beside him that playeth the _frankly devoted_. For all women are unto him as one woman--and that one _putty_. Lo, the look of “adoration” in his eyes is like unto the curl in his hair, _always_ there; and he weareth his “protecting manner” as naturally and as constantly as his linen collar. He is _so_ attentive and the _thoughtful thing_ cometh unto him as second nature. Yea, though there be twenty damsels in the room, yet shall each be made to think in her heart: “Lo, I am _it_!” Verily, verily, all the days of his life he shall be waited on and cooed over and coddled by women; and his way shall be as one continuous path of conquests and thornless roses. For this is the Stunt of _Stunts_! CHAPTER THREE I charge thee, my Daughter, seek not to break a man’s heart; for it is like unto family pride, or a pin, which may be _bent_, but _cannot_ be broken! Yea, it is as a ball of India rubber which reboundeth easily after the worst shocks. Lo, the heart of a woman is full of soft spots in which every man she hath _once_ loved occupieth a “cozy corner”. She lingereth tenderly over the grave of a dead love; but a man flingeth a spadeful of earth thereon and proceedeth to dig a _new_ one. And his heart is as a great cemetery! A woman keepeth a bundle of love-letters tied in faded ribbons; but a man cleaneth his pipe bowl cheerfully with the stem of the rose which the _girl-before-the-last_ hath worn in her hair. A woman remembereth the dress she hath worn and the song she hath sung for each particular man; but a man remembereth not the scent of violet sachet when the odor of heliotrope is in his nostrils. And, after _six_ months, when he cometh by chance upon an old glove or a lock of hair at the bottom of his trunk, he casteth it into the fire, muttering, “Now, who the devil put _that_ thing there?” A woman recollecteth each pet name by which she hath been called; she alloweth no _two_ men to label her alike. But unto a man, _every_ woman becometh in turn “Little Girl” or “Baby” or “Honey”. Lo, he is as one that playeth with skulls and sporteth with the bones of his ancestors; for he holdeth nothing sacred. He eraseth one face from the tablet of memory, and draweth another across it. He changeth his object of thought as readily as he changeth his clothes and his political opinions. For a woman’s love is a slow flame which smouldereth always, but a man’s love is like unto a skyrocket, which sputtereth out and cannot be rekindled. Verily, his “past” is always _quite_ past, and his dead loves are quite dead. And there is _nothing_ which is more wearisome unto him than the memory of yesterday’s wine, or yesterday’s flirtation. CHAPTER FOUR My Daughter, there are many styles of kisses, and they come in endless patterns, even as Oriental rugs. There is the kiss that sootheth and the kiss that thrilleth, the kiss that flattereth and the kiss that is a pastime. But the best of all kisses is the _first_ kiss; for it is the most difficult. Yet, in all the days of thy life, no two men shall kiss thee _alike_. For one man shall regard thy kisses as a boon, and another shall regard them as an amusement; but an husband shall consider them, as the shaving of his chin, a morning duty. Hast thou scorned a man’s kisses? Then will he exalt thee, saying “Lo! she is _very_ proper.” For he can think of no _other_ reason why thou shouldst not desire to kiss him. Yet if thou hast consented to kiss only _one_ man, he will say unto himself, “Verily, it is her habit. So doeth she with _all_ mankind.” For every man judgeth thee by the way in which thou treatest _him_. If a man kisseth thy hand gracefully, beware of him; for this is the habit of an accomplished flirt, which hath been acquired by much practice. But if he kisseth thee first upon the forehead, and then upon the eyelids, and then upon the lips, thou mayest choose thy wedding gown and decide upon thy bridesmaids. Lo, kissing is a fine art, and there are many artists; and one shall take a kiss from thee as though he doeth thee a favor, and another shall take a kiss as though he had taken thy pocketbook. Yet, no man shall ever understand why thou seemest pleased, or why thou waxest wroth, when he kisseth thee; for it is all in the _way_ of his wooing. Verily, verily, a man who kisseth a woman with his _hat_ on shall be annihilated. But he, that kisseth her as though he had _never_ kissed _before_ and never should kiss _again_, shall wear an halo in her sight. For he knoweth the Art of _Arts_. CHAPTER FIVE Lo, my Daughter, a man came unto me saying: “Let me be thy slave. For, behold, I am _all devotion_. And it is my delight to serve a fair woman.” And I looked at him and smiled sadly. For I knew that he was _invulnerable_; and all my weapons were broken against me. But another came unto me saying: “Behold! I am a _woman-hater_. Not one of them do I trust. Nay, not one can deceive and allure me. For I have _their numbers_, all of them.” And my heart was gladdened. For, by that sign, I knew that he was _easy_. And my way was clear before me. Verily, verily, men are of three varieties: the kind that must be driven with whip and spur; the kind that must be coaxed with apples and sugar; and the kind that must be blindfolded and _backed_ into the shafts of matrimony. And the woman-hater is like unto the last. Therefore, I charge thee, when thou meetest one of these seek not to argue with him, neither to convince him; but _agree_ with him sweetly, that all thy sex is weak and untrustworthy. Discourse sorrowfully upon the _pitfalls_ of flirtation, and the _hollowness_ of love, and the _horrors_ of matrimony. Declare boldly thy scorn for the New Woman, and for the Old Woman, and for the Frivolous Woman, and for the Highbrow, and for the Lowbrow, and all the women that are on the earth and in the heavens above the earth. And when thou hast disarmed him, taking all his arguments from out his mouth, speak sweetly concerning the beauties of _platonic friendship_ and wax rapturous in its praises. Bring the cushion for his head, and the footstool for his feet, and feed him from the chafing dish with the fruits of thine own cooking, saying: “I prithee, _do_ smoke, for it is so _chummy_! Yea, I beg of thee, treat me as thou wouldst a _man_ friend.” Let him hold thy hand. And he shall say in his heart: “Would to heaven I were not a Woman Hater, and that all women were like unto her; for she is _sensible_ and _sincere_--and a bachelor flat was never like _this_!” And upon the seventh evening he shall fall down before thee and retract all his words, eating them one by one. And when thou remindest him of thy warnings and of thy fear of marriage, he will seek to persuade thee and will comfort thee with kisses and a solitaire. Then shalt thou slip the bridle over his head and the reins shall be in _thine_ hands. And there shall be _one less_ Woman Hater in the world. For a _Woman Hater_, my Beloved, is like unto the simple ostrich, which hideth its head in the sand and thinketh itself safe. But he that professeth open adoration is like unto the park squirrel, which will eat out of thine hand but can _never be caught_! CHAPTER SIX My Daughter, a woman is a study in moods and tenses, but man is a simple proposition which worketh according to a “system”. Behold, how the two regard a letter. For when a woman writeth she spelleth her soul out on paper; but a man putteth all his _tender_ meanings between the lines. Yea, a woman’s letter is a confession, but a man’s letter is a veiled allusion which _concealeth_ his thoughts. Verily, it is a work of _art_. Yet, when a woman receiveth it, she readeth it over many times, and placeth it within her shirtwaist by day, and under her pillow by night. For she knoweth that, with temptations like unto telephones and post-cards within reach, a _hand-written letter_ is a sign of devotion. But, when a man receiveth a woman’s letter, he droppeth it in his pocket. Nay, not in the pocket above his heart, but in that pocket which containeth the fewest bills and receipts and lead pencils and other _valuable_ things. He carryeth it there faithfully--until he changeth his coat. He layeth it away in an unused drawer amongst other trash. He forgetteth it. And, when years shall have passed, he findeth it and taketh it out curiously. He regardeth it with astonishment. He wrinkleth his brows with his great effort at recollection, saying: “Now who the dickens wrote this thing? Yea, _who_ is ‘Mabel’?” He giveth it up. And lo! he proceedeth to make pipe-lighters of thine heart-to-heart effusion. Behold thy letter, like unto his love, goeth up in smoke! SELAH! FEW THY RINGS, BUT MANY THY BANGLES; FOR A MUSICAL JINGLE FASCINATETH HIM, EVEN AS THE SOUND OF A RATTLE FASCINATETH A BABE [Illustration] BOOK OF DAMSELS CHAPTER ONE Give ear, my Daughter, and receive my wisdom, for the _husband-hunt_ leadeth over many hurdles and the trail of the Eligible Thing aboundeth in pitfalls. Lo, the woods are full of men, but men are full of strange suspicions; and in elusiveness the fox is simple beside them. I charge thee, seek not to be a fashion-plate; for a human “shriek” giveth warning and affrighteth the game. Verily a _becoming_ frock of home manufacture is more to be desired than a French creation which maketh thee to resemble a bad dream! Costly thy smile as thy dentist shall make it; for a pearl in the mouth exceedeth two on the finger. And it is better to be dead than _unkissable._ Cheap thy gloves, if need be, but expensive thy sachet; for a man knoweth not scent from sentiment. Few thy rings, but many thy bangles; for a musical jingle fascinateth him even as the sound of a rattle fascinateth a babe. Yea, manicured nails and _perfectly_ clean cuffs are more to be desired in the world of business than a knowledge of stenography. Modest thy hats, yet chic withal; and thy hair glorious. For a _cheap coiffure_ is an abomination, but a made-to-order switch is a woman’s “crown of beauty”. Look not upon the rouge-pot when it is _too_ red, but delicate thy blushes and thy complexion put on with a fine brush and self-restraint. Plain thy coat, but frilly thy petticoat and of all silk; for a feminine “swish” is as poetry unto the masculine ear. Then, I say unto thee, waste not thy substance upon style. For a man knoweth not last year’s left-over from this year’s fad, but he knoweth a “vision” when he seeth her. Verily, a wise virgin hideth her light under a bushel of simplicity, but a foolish damsel goeth forth resembling a human snare. She painteth her cheek as with house paint, and gildeth her hair with much gold. She adorneth herself with feathers and weareth dangling ear-rings. And at sight of her men fly on wings of fear. CHAPTER TWO Hear now, the Prayer of a Damsel of Babylon, which she chanteth in her heart: Angels and Ministers of Grace, oh, hear me! Bestow upon me, I pray thee: The smile of a seraph. The voice of a dove. The silence of the Sphinx. The eyes of an houri. The blindness of a bat. The figure of a cloak model. The wisdom of Solomon. The ways of a kitten. The conscience of a cat. The self-control of a tin soldier. The pliability of a sofa cushion. The capriciousness of an automobile. The sensitiveness of a suet pudding. The intelligence of a pet clam. The sweetness of a cream puff. The ambition of a potato. The meekness of a door-mat. The opinions of an echo. The fascinations of a chorus girl. The patience of Griselda. The mystery of the Catacombs. The faith of a poodle. And the endurance of Atlas. These things I ask in order that I may be _all_ things unto _one_ man! CHAPTER THREE How little, O, my Daughter, how exceeding little shall satisfy the heart of a woman! For a man’s love is like unto an orchid, which requireth tender persuasion and _constant cultivation_. But a woman’s love is like unto an air plant, which flourisheth continually upon _imagination_. Now, I knew a damsel of Babylon, and she was exceeding fair, having dove’s eyes, and curling locks, and much moneys, and a motor car. Wherefore the youths of the land flocked unto her house, and her parlor was always _full_, and her piazza running over. And one of these was a medal-winner, called Clod, who possessed a football figure and a Gibson profile. But the least among them all was Wisenheimer, who was abbreviated and whose hair was thin upon the top. And Clod come unto the damsel, bringing his medals and his loving cups and divers trophies. And when he had shown them all and had told her of his deeds of prowess, he sat afar off in a corner and conversed of _generalities_ and of _himself_. For he said in his heart, “When she hath seen what great works I am destined to accomplish, then will she gladly share them with me and shine in my reflected glory.” But Wisenheimer concentrated all his conversation upon _one topic_, saying: “How marvellous are thine eyes to-night, O Star of Beauty! And thy lips have a curve like unto the smile of Mona Lisa. Thy hair is of a wonderful softness; and _what_ is that fascinating perfume thou usest? Lo, many damsels have I known, but thou excellest them all; for thou art as Maxine Elliot and Lillian Russell and the Venus de Milo in one!” And the damsel was interested, and she said: “Go on!” Then Wisenheimer cast himself before her crying: “Lo, what am I, a worm and a parasite, that I should aspire to thy love? “Behold, I am a _sinner_ and full of _evil_, yet I need the love of a _noble woman_ to save me! I am as _nothing_, and have accomplished nothing, yet I yearn for the inspiration of an angel to guide me and sustain me and spur me on to higher things!” And lo, the maiden fell upon his neck and comforted him with kisses and with promises. And the wedding was set for October. Yet all her friends said: “What doth she see in _him_!” But I say unto thee, the maiden was wise. For verily, verily, in the comedy of matrimony there is more joy in being a _star_ than in being an _understudy_! CHAPTER FOUR Behold, my Daughter, how Man’s taste concerning women hath changed! For lo, it hath come to pass that a maiden of sweet and simple sixteen is, unto a matron of fair and frivolous forty, as breakfast food unto caviar and old wine. Yea, a man no longer yearneth for a babe to cuddle; and a clinging vine fretteth him, as a shoe that squeaketh or a chair that wobbleth. Moreover, he desireth _rich_ things. And a widow with many shekels hath a more solid attraction than a damsel with naught but beauties of the soul. Go to! The kiss of a damsel of sixteen is more insipid than pink ice-cream, but the kiss of a woman of forty hath the flavor of experience and vera violetta. Lo, a damsel worshippeth a man as a demi-god and discourseth unto him of her “ideals”; but a matron _mothereth_ him and cooeth unto him in _baby talk_. A damsel discusseth the _weather_ with a youth and singeth “The Rosary” unto him; but a woman of forty discusseth _his talents_ and singeth him lullabies. A maiden babbleth on as the brook, thinking to be _always_ amusing, but a matron knoweth that after his labors of the day a man preferreth a down pillow unto fireworks. A maiden pouteth and chafeth beneath his “moods”, but a matron ascertained whether they proceed from indigestion or an ingrowing temperament, and healeth them accordingly with soda mints or flattery. A maiden seeketh to appear _mysterious_, and romantic, but a matron playeth always the _platonic friend_. She is _so_ simple. A maiden goeth roundabout ways to hasten a proposal, but a matron _seemeth to put it off_. She forbiddeth him to speak of marriage, even as she forbiddeth a small boy to touch the medicine which she hath determined he shall swallow. And lo, he yearneth straightway therefor. Verily, verily, a maiden goeth forth with the sound of bugles and an airgun, but a matron setteth her trap in unseen places and lieth low. A maiden _challengeth_ a man with coquettishness, but a matron putteth him to _sleep_! For no man goeth into matrimony with his eyes open! Verily, verily, he falleth in love as he falleth out of bed, and awakeneth with a great shock, knowing not _how it hath happened_. CHAPTER FIVE Hast thou heard the tale of the wise and foolish virgins, oh, my Daughter? Then hearken! For this parable pointeth a great moral. Now, the foolish virgin cried unto her sisters, early in the season, “Lo! the spirit of the love-chase is upon me! I must be up and doing. For the summer resort shall be my happy hunting ground, where the game is easy and plentiful.” And she went her ways rejoicing, armed with three trunks and a pink parasol and girded about with lingerie frocks and a silk bathing suit. Yet, when she had arrived upon the scene, behold there was naught within sight! Lo, each morning she wandered upon the beach with one callow college-youth and each evening danced gladly with a flirtatious octogenarian. All the damsels of the hotel, they waltzed in pairs and _pretended_ to like it! But the wise virgin sighed, “Alas! I cannot _afford_ to go upon a vacation trip. Nay I must stay in town! For I shall be _busy_.” And she _was_ busy! For, when all the other women had departed, the men of the town, being much bored and having naught else to do, flocked unto her door and made themselves comfortable upon her piazza. Yea, in twos and threes came they, the simple youth with his mandolin and the wise youth with his Rubáiyát, the married man in his loneliness, and the bachelor whose sweetheart was abroad. And she fed them iced drinks and flattery, and they absorbed all of it gladly--and were consoled! And lo, before the summer had waned she wore six engagement rings; for the harvest was plentiful. Verily, verily, a summer resort is a place wherein a woman will resort to anything, from a babe unto a grandfather, for amusement; but a womanless town is a ripe field. CHAPTER SIX Oh, ye damsels of Babylon! Ye followers after fads and wearers of pearl earrings! How long will ye seek to appear _sophisticated_? How long will ye continue to pose as _cynics_, and think it chic to be satirical and piquant to be capricious? Know ye not, oh foolish ones, that a man dreadeth a female cynic as a small boy dreadeth an education? Yea, and a satirical damsel is unto him as a caterpillar upon the neck, which maketh him to shudder. But a capricious woman is as gravel in the shoes. She giveth him great _pain_. Behold, a foolish damsel seeketh always to scintillate. She appeareth clothed in worldly wisdom and bristling with opinions. She provoketh arguments and answereth with repartee. She mocketh at a man’s sentiments and rebuketh him with epigrams. She maketh him to look _foolish_. But a wise damsel is sweeter than distilled honey and more _simple_ than the plot of a Robert Chambers novel. She lighteth her own way with the sun of her smiles, and smootheth all her paths with soft soap. She seeketh not her own glorification but poureth oil upon the vanity of the just and unjust alike. Doth a youth argue with her, she is easily convinced and covereth him with approbation, saying: “How didst thou _ever_ think of _that_?” And, lo, his argument is broken against him. Doth her Beloved call at eve, bringing with him the _grouch_ “that knoweth no brother”, she greeteth him with the _smile_ that knoweth no sister. She ministereth unto him with cooling drinks and looks of sympathy. She bringeth him the ash-tray and the shaded lamp and the foot-stool and the newspapers. She urgeth him to _smoke_. She forbeareth to _talk_. And behold his mood dissolveth as the mist before the sun, and he exclaimeth in his heart: “Good Heavens! What would life _be_ without this _woman_!” He proposeth. And all the days of her life she treadeth upon velvet. Verily, verily, a wise woman preferreth peace of mind unto her own opinions, _comfort_ unto her dignity, and an _husband_ unto a reputation for brilliancy. She saith in her heart: “I am not here to _reform_ him, but to _please_ him.” And, lo, all the world is her _roller coaster_! For the price of _peace_ is a _perpetual smile_! SELAH. VERILY, VERILY, MY DAUGHTER, THE FOOL HATH SAID IN HER HEART, “ALL MEN SHOULD MARRY! FOR THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, SAVE A _BACHELOR_” [Illustration] BOOK OF BACHELORS CHAPTER ONE Go to, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and he hath not a thrill left. Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him “comfortable”. And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and towel racks, and picture frames, and shaving-pads, and foot-stools, until his house resembleth a bargain counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked city. He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot wherein to place his forty-seventh cushion; he curseth when he returneth after dark and falleth over tabourets and _other_ evidences of the _pursuit of man_; he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from his men friends that he may supply _all_ of those who desire to do his mending. And to him, in matters of love, there is nothing new under the sun. For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, but the woman that weddeth a bachelor-flatee is number _forty-two_. And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pillow; when she kisseth him in the cleft within his chin and runneth her fingers through his hair, he feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a tale that hath been many times told. Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and his emotions worn thin with usage. His heart is patched in many places and his illusions are as last year’s roses--withered. Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold veal served upon the second day; even as second-hand furniture, whereof the interior is motheaten. But he is better than _nothing_. CHAPTER TWO Verily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save a _bachelor_.” But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the “_reasons_” why a man taketh a _stimulant_ are not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry. Behold, he doth not marry: Because he is too _young_. Because he is too _old_. Because he hath not _thought_ about it. Because he hath thought _too much_ about it. Because he is poor and cannot _afford_ a wife. Because he is rich and doth not _require_ a wife. Because he loveth _no_ woman. Because he loveth _all_ women. Because he hath not met the _right_ woman. Because he _hath_ met the right woman and been “disappointed”. Because he hath many _illusions_ concerning women. Because he hath _no_ illusions concerning them. Because _no_ woman is good enough. Because _he_ is not “good enough” for _any_ woman. Because he is not ready to _settle down_. Because he is _already_ settled down, and is content. Because he is _weak_ and fearful. Because he is _strong_ and impregnable. And, likewise--just _because_. CHAPTER THREE Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken and be comforted. For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his just desert! Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “_Why_ shall I marry? For lo, have I not _all_ the comforts of home, at _half_ the expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my buttons. “Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club without having to perjure my soul. “Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner. “For on Monday I may talk _art_ unto a high-browed damsel; and on Tuesday I may talk _love_ unto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talk _nonsense_ unto a fluffy thing. “But a married man must talk _domestic economy_ unto the _same woman_ every night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony. “Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I am _unashamed_! And my one fear is that I shall awaken from this _dream_!” And I answered him, saying, “Even so!” Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the bachelor, until it shone as a great light. Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having no _worries_, he became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken. And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them. For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat man _fascinating_. And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from overworking they had still kept their figures and were _interesting_. Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent his days in yawning. Then he came unto me, crying: “Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are as _one_ woman unto me.” And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying: “My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thou _canst_! For the buds of the Nation are _not_ collecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of these shall accept thee as a _good thing_; or another shall take thee as a _last resort_, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou hast eaten the bread of life without _honey_ thereon, and thou shalt hereafter be satisfied with the _crumbs_.” Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat. CHAPTER FOUR My Daughter, hear now the Thanksgiving Day prayer of a bachelor: Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed me another year of _freedom_. That I am still safe! That Thou hast made me what I _am_--wise, unconquerable, immune! That, although I have many times lost my heart, I have never yet lost my _head_. That I did not marry my first love. That, though the hairs of my head be numbered, they are still sufficient to cover my bald spot. That, though my forehead gradually becometh more _intellectual_, it is not yet bare. That I have never yet written a letter which could be held against me in a breach-of-promise suit, but have confined all my _tender_ messages unto telegrams and postcards. That all my words have been discreet and mine actions cautious and self-restrained. That, although maidens may bestow upon me purple neckties, spotted scarfs, plaid mufflers and orange-colored gloves at Christmastide, I shall not be required to _wear_ them. That I am still regarded as _eligible_ among maidens and matrons. That they have not _found me out_! That, day by day, my heart is acquiring a coat of cement and my conscience a coat of mail. That I have carefully preserved all my emotions in alcohol! That there is no marrying nor giving in marriage in Heaven! Yea, for good cigars, bachelor flats, vaudeville, briar pipes, clubs, apartment hotels, stenographers, comic operas, taxicabs and _widows_, Good Lord I thank Thee! And now in the name of peace and contentment, vouchsafe me another year of single blessedness. Yea, give me liberty or give me death! Amen! SELAH WHEN HER SHOE COMETH UNTIED, WHEN HER SIDE-COMB FALLETH OUT, WHEN HER HAIR TUMBLETH DOWN, TURN AWAY THINE EYES, LEST THOU BE UNDONE. FOR CIRCE WAS AS NAUGHT BESIDE A WOMAN WITH FLOWING HAIR [Illustration] BOOK OF SIRENS CHAPTER ONE Behold, my Daughter, I have parted from mine Appendix and my conscience is clear! Therefore do I fear but three things in all the world: And the first of these is a mouse. And the second is embonpoint. But the third is a _Trained Nurse_! For I have watched her at her _work_. And, I charge thee, in the flutter of her apron there lurketh more danger than in the whole chorus of a comic opera. For a chorus girl practiseth her wiles upon strong men, but _she_ seeketh him only that is stricken and at her mercy. Yea, when he is down-and-out she getteth in her fine work. Upon her head she weareth a cute cap, which glorifieth her as a halo in his sight. She walketh upon heels of velvet and cooeth unto him in a voice of silver. Her smile runneth over and will _not_ come off. She hath dove’s eyes. She batheth his brow with spikenard and myrrh, and anointeth him with alcohol. She arrangeth his pillows and comforteth his soul with words of cheer. _She taketh his pulse!_ He yearneth to be babied--and she babyeth him. He pineth for sympathy--and she sympathizeth. He seeketh comfort--and she maketh him _comfortable_. And _what_ chance hath a damsel at a pink tea beside a ministering angel such as one of these? Go to, thou Simple One! What strength is there in a _sick_ man that he shall flee before all the temptations of St. Anthony, in one? Nay, though he be of stone and of adamant, though his heart be encased in barbed wire, yet shall he turn upon his pillow sighing: “Alas Miriam is all right; but a _wife_ was never like this!” Yet how guileless is human nature! For, ye will keep your silver in a strong box and your jewels behind bars of iron; yet will ye trust your _beloved_ in the hands of one of these. Verily, verily, the Lorelei is passeé and witches are no more. But a Little Trained Nurse is a _dangerous thing_! CHAPTER TWO Verily, my Daughter, there be these three: the maid, the matron, and the widow; and the luckiest of these is the _widow_. For she hath graduated from the School of Experience and her crêpe veil glorifieth her as a diploma. And, though she may live in a bachelor flat, none shall gossip about her; but whatsoever she doeth shall seem “cute” in the eyes of men. When she talketh wittily they shall not say, “She knoweth too much”; and when she talketh foolishly they shall declare that she but seeketh to _appear_ simple. If she smoketh a cigarette, she will make excuse, saying, “Mine _husband_ taught me how to do this thing”, and all men shall call her “fascinating”. Yea, she possesseth all the glory of matrimony, even unto “Mrs.” on her name, and none of the discomforts. She shall marry a second time if she so desireth; and if she doth _not_, who shall say that she _could_ not? For one man hath set his seal of approval upon her, and where one hath led the rest shall follow like unto a flock of Geese. Yea, in the matter of women, man hath great faith in the judgment of his brother, but he doubteth his _own_ taste. And, though a widow be neither wealthy, nor good to look upon; though she be fat and forty and frivolous; yet she understandeth how to make a man comfortable--which is the secret of all wisdom. She shall feed the lambs from the chafing-dish and the lions with honeyed words; she shall coax the smoker to smoke; she shall hold a match to his cigar; she shall bring a footstool for his feet and a couch pillow for his head; she shall mend his gloves and listen eagerly to his stories unto seven times seven times. Yet envy her not, my daughter, for hath she not been married once? And a woman who hath once _been married_ hath earned whatsoever she receiveth. CHAPTER THREE Heed my instructions, oh my Son, that thou mayest understand the Seven Poses of Woman! For, whether she dwelleth in the high places or in the low places, her nets are cast into the sea, and her hooks are bated with perfume and chafing-dishes and domesticity. Yea, though she hideth in a studio apartment and cryeth “I shall never marry!”, yet doth she seek to lure thee with joss sticks and pink tea and rarebits and the _artistic temperament_. Likewise, beware when she patteth thy coat lapel; when she slippeth her hand confidingly into thine overcoat pocket be not persuaded. For the touch of a damsel’s fingers is alluring, but a _wife’s_ “touch” is expensive. Lo, when she mothereth thee; when she runneth her fingers through thy top hair; when she inquireth concerning thy health and urgeth thee to wear rubbers, be prepared to escape her; for, so doth she shear the lamb for the slaughter. When her shoe cometh untied, when her side-comb falleth out, when her hair tumbleth down, in the game of tennis, turn away thine eyes, lest thou be undone. For, Circe was as naught, beside a woman with flowing hair. When she “turneth” her ankle upon the golf links, I charge thee do not bear her in thine arms to safety; but, for thy soul’s sake, flee in search of a doctor, ’ere she turneth thine head also. When she putteth perfume upon thy locks, oh beware of her! For she doeth this that she may mark thee for _her own_; and, until it be washed away, thou shalt be covered with shame in the eyes of the world. But, when she coaxeth thee to be adorned, when she seeketh to _manicure thy nails_; when she patteth thy fingers and yearneth to bathe them with sweet ointments; when she weareth a cute apron and sitteth more near, I charge thee, clasp thine hands behind thee, crying: “Nay! Thou mayest _hold_ them, but thou shalt _not manicure_ them!” For by this strategy fell the Benedicts. Go to, my Son! Ask me not how I have learned of Woman, concerning all her _poses_. For lo, I am a _woman_, and I have _tried_ them. CHAPTER FOUR The secret musings of thy Father Solomon, found in his diary, concealed in the pocket of his smoking jacket and privily copied by thy Mother. Read now his libellous words, my Daughter, and ponder thereon; for he hath known _much girl_: “Verily, verily, in all the world, there be but two things which have power to disconcert me. “A Meerschaum Pipe is one of these. “The other is _a woman_. “And, so like is the first unto the second, that I doubt not the former is but a reincarnation of the latter. “Lo, I have colored upward of twenty meerschaums, and have made love unto upward of seven hundred damsels. And I say unto thee, not one of them hath been worth the struggle nor repaid the toil and travail. “Behold, how a man purchaseth a meerschaum at great price. “Behold, how he wooeth a woman at great expense. “How joyfully he flingeth away his shekels that they may be covered with silver and fine gold! “How tenderly he encaseth them in velvet! “With what care and delicacy he wasteth his golden hours in the coloring of his pipe! “With what pains and ingenuity he wasteth golden years in winning the heart of a woman! “How lovingly he burneth tobacco for the one! “How patiently he burneth incense before the other! “Yet, lo, a sudden coldness--and the pipe hath snapped! A sudden chilliness--and the woman’s love is shattered! “Or let the fire within the meerschaum’s bowl wax too hot, or the ardor of his devotion unto the woman wax too intense--and behold the pipe is ruined and the woman is spoiled forever! “And it is all _up_ with him! “The fool hath said in his heart, ‘All women are as trolley cars, which having once been caught, need no longer be pursued.’ But I say unto thee, thy pursuing is never finished; thy task is never done! “For, seven times seven weeks, mayest thou devote thyself unto a meerschaum, and seven times seven months, unto a damsel! “Yet if thou layest them aside, and thinkest to cease from thy devotions for but a little while, lo, the pipe hath faded--and the woman hath forgotten thee. “Verily, verily, there is no rest for a peaceful man! For, life with a pipe, or a woman, is all toil and travail and vexation. “Yet life _without_ them is all weariness and desolation!” SELAH. VERILY, VERILY, EVEN THY FATHER SOLOMON, HIMSELF, HAD NOT _MORE_ THAN ENOUGH WIVES. FOR EVERY MAN REQUIRETH AT LEAST TWO SOUL-MATES. ONE TO AMUSE HIM--AND ONE TO WAIT UPON HIM [Illustration] BOOK OF ADMONITIONS CHAPTER ONE My Daughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my counsel; for the understanding of _Man_ is the beginning of a good income, and a knowledge of _his ways_ more profitable than a higher education. Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a man _rusheth_ over it at the speed limit. Unto a woman, the first kiss is but the _start_ in the love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes the _finish_. Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she may _get_ him; but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may prevent _another_ from getting her. Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is because she hath met _no_ man with whom she could endure to live; but, when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no woman _without_ whom he _cannot_ live. A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneliness, and immediately thereafter joineth a _club_ in order to escape the woman. He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his lower nature. A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to whether or not he _wanteth_ her to love him. Behold, an _honest_ woman may cheat at cards, but never at love; but he considereth himself an “_honorable man_” that never cheateth at a game of poker though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts. Go to! Think no man _in love_ while he flattereth thee and extolleth all thy ways; but, when he beginneth to _moralise_ and to criticise thy _hats_, then mayest thou plan thy trousseau. When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry’s sake; but when he carryeth an _umbrella_ to please thee it is for love’s sake. Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to his heart, for, peradventure, upon the following day, he may _change the lock_! Then, how shall a woman understand a man, since they are _all_ cut upon the _bias_! Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, and reading him _backward_, even as a Chinese laundry ticket! CHAPTER TWO How long, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men continue to call ye “_kitten_” when they are sentimental and “_cat_” when they wax cynical? Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of a _man_ are the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize his _dignity_ above all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the subways under the earth? Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek out all the _soft_ places upon the face of the earth, and all the most _comfortable_ spots within the house, and all the _easy_ chairs of the office? Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad at night and return only at mealtimes? Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him most _comfortable_ and stroketh him the _right_ way, but revile and despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his slumbers? Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity? Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape when he is held _tightly_, yet remain cheerfully where he is not wanted? Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully from that which is flung at his head--whether it be a bone, or a plate, or a _woman_? And, being “dropped,” doth not a cat and likewise a man, land always upon his _feet_ and depart in search of consolation? Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine endearments will they not shrink from thee, with vexation? But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit devotedly at thy feet? Go to! I say unto thee a _woman_ is not as a tabby, but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off. She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to be _stepped on_. Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself with a _cat_ in her loneliness? Even because this is the only thing which can be found to resemble a _man_! CHAPTER THREE Lo, while a man courteth a maiden he faith unto her: “Beloved, _I adore_ the waves and frivols of thy hair! The neatness of thy waistline is my delight; and what _is_ that subtile sachet which maketh thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?” But in his heart he saith: “Yet, when we are married, then shall _I teach_ her not to wear false ringlets, and the imported complexion which she now putteth on shall she abjure. “Verily from the using of that _awful scent_ shall I break her, and from the wearing of corsets shall I rescue her! For we shall then be _one_, and I shall be _that one_!” And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she saith unto him: “Thou art _so_ sensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to wear a _comfortable_ collar always; for why shalt thou suffer for style’s sake? Lo, thy beard and thy mustache, they are so _characteristic_; and in a soft hat thou hast _real personality_!” But in her heart she muttereth: “Go to! When I have him _safe_, then shall I entice him to put on a high collar, even unto _four inches_; and the shaving of his face will require but two weeks! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he exchange for a derby within the first month. For I know _just_ what he needeth!” Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do they prepare for _war_! Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put her on a _diet_, ’ere she acquire embonpoint. As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “_How congenial_ we are!” For every woman thinketh to make a man over after a _pattern_, and every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to a _stock_ ideal. Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the other down and to add all the _modern improvements_. Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is a _mutual_ shock! CHAPTER FOUR My Daughter, she that heedeth my instructions shall find a man easier to play upon than a pianola. Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he shall repeat all his repertoire, even unto the _confession_ of his sins. Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and nothing delighteth his soul so much as to _repent_. For, then can he return unto his follies with a clear conscience and renewed enthusiasm. Go to! _Who_ is so virtuous as an husband that hath but _just_ received a cold bath and his wife’s forgiveness? Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned saint. He is puffed up with _righteousness_. Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall again have wobbled from the straight and narrow way. How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou encourage men to persecute thee with their “I’m so-sorrys”, and their “Never-agains”? For, verily, verily, every man believeth that a woman’s patience is a thing of India rubber, which will stretch over a multitude of backslidings. Yea, he hath not a _doubt_ that a broken promise may be glued together with kisses, and a broken heart mended with softsoap. Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith he stilleth his conscience. And his sins would lack much joy if he had not the pleasure of “_regretting_” them. But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down. Nay, a bride sobbeth “Harold, tell me _all_!” But after ten years, a wife saith, “Do whatsoever thou pleasest, but come not unto _me_ with thy tale of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding onto Heaven with one hand and onto _thee_ with the other. Therefore go thy ways and let me _sleep_!” Verily, verily, in time, doth a man’s penitence _pall_ upon a woman; and his kiss of remorse is more to be dreaded than his sins. For, once love hath cooled, it _may_ be warmed-over, yet it is flat and tasteless, even as a Monday luncheon. CHAPTER FIVE My Daughter, observe my counsel, for the heart of a man is like unto a Broadway car, in which there is always room for _one more_. Behold, in matters of love, a woman is a _specialist_, but a man is a _general practitioner_. Yea, a woman loveth but one _type_--even _one man_--but a man loveth anything which happeneth to be _at hand_. Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and yellow _doll_ shall acquire a sudden interest in _intellect_ and _brunettes_. For _variety_ is the spice of love. Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand. In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man relisheth them _all_ served _at once_, like unto a dinner at a country inn. Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his libations, and wondereth sadly why he awakeneth always with an headache. Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had not _more_ than enough wives. For every man requireth at least two soul-mates. One for Sundays--and one for week days. One to amuse him--and one to wait upon him. One to save his soul--and one to save his pennies. One to help him make a fortune--and one to help him spend it. One for his lighter side--and one for his darker side. One for company, one for comfort, one for inspiration, one for pastime--and many others, for _a change_. SELAH. LO, MY BELOVED, THY HAIR IS AS STUBBLE; AND IN THE MORNING IT STANDETH ALOFT AS A SHORN WHEAT FIELD. HOW _FASCINATING_ ART THOU IN PAJAMAS, WHEN THY FACE IS COVERED WITH SHAVING LATHER! [Illustration] BOOK OF SONGS CHAPTER ONE The Song of a Wife, which is Mrs. Solomon’s. Let him praise me with the words of his mouth; for his flattery is sweeter than wine and his kisses are rarer than orchids. Lo, my Beloved, thy hair is as stubble, and in the morning it standeth aloft, as a shorn wheat field. Thy cheek is as a Turkish towel, which caresseth mine. Thy temples are a shining light, which resembleth a silver polish advertisement. Thou wearest a derby hat. Thy breath is sweet with cloves. How _fascinating_ art thou in pajamas, when thy face is covered with shaving lather! How beautiful are thy _feet_. Behold, thou art a collection of habits. Yea, unto these thou art more constant than the _family cat_. Whatsoever thou hast done before, _that_ shalt thou do forever and in the _same way_. Thou kissest me once in the morning, once in the evening, and _twice_ upon Christmas Day. Thou clingest unto thine old pipe as unto thy _reputation_. Thou callest every woman by the _same_ pet name. Lo, what would my Beloved _be_ without his habits? Even as a doggie’s tail which hath lost its “wag”! But thy _heart_, oh, my Beloved, is full of lightning changes. Its capacity is inexhaustible. The memory of yesterday’s kiss is unto thee as the memory of yesterday’s dinner--sweet, but not satisfying. Yet, though thy heart changeth many times, I, thy wife, am become _one_ of thy habits! Behold thou hast placed “Mrs.” upon my name; thou hast glorified me with a wedding ring! Therefore, I am become thy doormat. Yea, I am as thy footstool. I shall mend thy socks with rejoicing, and the replacing of thy buttons shall be my delight. All the days of thy life, shall I clean thy safety razor and put the studs in thy shirts. Then, cast thine ashes over my dressing table and strew my carpets with cigar stumps. Let the awnings of mine house be burned and my lace curtains consumed with fire. I shall not murmur. For I am my Beloved’s and there is _naught else_ like unto him. CHAPTER TWO The Song of Songs, which is the _widow’s_. When I was a _rib_, I spoke as a rib, and all my ways were the ways of a rib. Lo, I took man _seriously_, even as he took himself. For him did I rush the breakfast--and keep it waiting. Unto him did I offer up the palm--and the morning paper. All his opinions were right in mine eyes; and because _he_ said a thing, it was _so_. He was the Lord of my Heart, and the Source of mine Income. And in him I saw nothing _funny_; for my sense of humor had not yet been awakened. He looked at my hats and mocked them. Yet that inverted salad bowl which he called a “derby” did not arouse my mirth. He waxed satirical at the number of my puffs, and my coiffure was a daily target for his wit. Yet, though he cut all the hair from off his head, and left it to grow upon his face, I felt no merriment. In his conceit he made of me a human joke. But now that I am become a widow, I see him as he is. Therefore shall I arise and smite him in his vanity. Lo, what woman shall take men seriously, once she hath been married unto one of these? For he, that seemeth a thing of beauty and wisdom unto many virgins, is but a child in the eyes of his wife. She knoweth the source of his opinions; and the padding of his shoulders is not hidden from her. His grouches are always with her and his digestion is her burden. Go to! I have seen him at his mirror when he worked upon the parting of his hair. He hath borrowed my powder for his chin, and with my perfume hath he anointed himself. My nail-polish and my eau de cologne, they were not safe from him. I have flattered him and beheld his fall. I have said unto him, “My love, thy judgment is above question and thy common sense above praise!” And he hath smiled, as one that sippeth a wine of a rare vintage. I have cooed unto him saying: “Lo, thy reasoning powers and thine acumen are greater than those of Sherlock Holmes!” And I have observed his secret joy. I have cried out: “Oh, _why_ didst thou not go upon the stage? For thy shoulders are better than Faversham’s and thy profile than E. H. Sothern’s!” And he hath straightway _proposed_! The youths of the land have I called “Mr. Smith”, and the octogenarians addressed as “Silly Boy”. The fat man have I called “graceful”, and the ourang-outang, “distinguished”. And all of these were overcome. Their fairy tales have I outstripped with better fairy tales, and their devices with more subtile devices. Verily, verily, men are as toys in mine hand; and, even as a child, do I delight to play with them. Lo, she that fisheth for an husband, laboreth against many odds, but she that fisheth for amusement casteth her nets in pleasant waters, and they shall return unto her heavy laden. CHAPTER THREE The Litany of the Summer Girl, which she chanteth continuously, morning and night. Oh, Lord, deliver me from the deadliness of the Summer Resort, and from all the deadly things therein. From the emptiness of moonlight evenings without a Man, and the hollowness of life without a flirtation, now preserve me. From the sentimental grafter and the _platonic friend_ oh spare me! For, the one seeketh after cheap flirtations, and collecteth kisses, as a woman doth trading stamps. And the other is as a wet powder-rag which sticketh, but availeth nothing. Verily, verily, a breakfast-food without sugar and cream is not more insipid than one of these. From college youths, which are fresher than spring asparagus and more tender than spring lamb, oh, deliver me! From old bachelors, which are staler than last year’s canned goods, and tougher than cold rarebits, oh, preserve me! From the hotel “phonograph,” which repeateth the same old love-tunes night after night, year in and year out, oh set me free! From the _impressionist_ that cometh down over Sunday, deliver me! For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and with all his mind, and with all his impudence, for an whole _week-end_, he shall depart; and the scorners shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say, “She was but a temporary distraction!” From the _summer widower_, that seeketh to return unto flirtation by a by-path, oh, hide me! For lo, I am not a consolation prize. Neither am I a grafter, coveting other women’s troubles. From all gossip, and freckles, and tan, and sand-in-the-shoes; from the patronizing bride, and the youth that playeth ragtime; from the bathing suit that shrinketh, and the nose that peeleth; from mosquitoes, and cows and red ants; from hen parties, and springless straw rides, and manless dances, oh, deliver me! Feed me with bon-bons and stay me with novels! Lead me beside the full streams, where the fish are plentiful and the fishing worthy of the fishermaiden; that I may, peradventure, find, _one eligible_, who shall rescue me from the Land of Innocuous Desuetude, and usher me into the Kingdom of Matrimony! CHAPTER FOUR The Song of The Debutante which the Wise Virgin chanteth in her heart: Oh, Providence in thy mercy, I beseech Thee, grant me these three: A level head, a soft tongue, and a sense of humor! And the greatest of these is a _sense of humor_. Lo, I do not ask for wealth, neither for beauty, nor for love; for, having a level head, and a soft tongue, all these things shall be added unto me. I sigh not for the charms of an houri; and curling hair I shall not crave. Yea, though _one_ husband be all that is granted unto me in this day of Progressive Matrimony, I shall not murmur. Though my waist-line increaseth, year by year, and my teeth depart one by one, I shall not be cast down. For, a cheerful disposition shall sustain me, and the smile that cometh not off shall keep me charming. Though chorus girls marry above me; though I never build mine own bungalow; though my frocks be made over, and my complexion made up, I shall not repine. For, behold, I shall not take myself _seriously_, neither be filled with false _illusions_ concerning men. Lo, a woman that regardeth herself seriously is a human joke; and a woman that dallyeth with illusions is as a babe that played with matches. She burneth her own fingers. Though my cooking be deadly, and my shoes “number fives” I shall not despair. For a sense of humor shall cover me as a mackintosh, off which the lemons, that fate casteth at me, shall roll as water. Verily, verily, a woman without a sense of humor is as one that goeth into New Jersey clad in lace hose. She layeth herself bare to constant _stings_; she suffereth untold pangs. Then grant me, I pray thee, this one panacea: That I may laugh when men laugh, and the point of their jokes shall not escape me. That I may not tremble at their wrath; neither wither under their sarcasm, nor repine at their grouches. And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in the enjoyment of life, repartee, and the pursuit of an husband! Amen. CHAPTER FIVE Incline thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this is the Song of the _Bride_, which containeth all the law and the “profits” of Matrimony. I thank thee, O, my Beloved; for thou hast chosen me out of the multitude of women that were _after_ thee. Thou hast delivered me from spinsterhood and led me into the House of Bondage. Thy _brand_ is upon me! I am thy Chattel. Thy wishes shall be my wishes, thy tastes my tastes, and thy politics my politics. I shall have no personal opinions before thine and no other thought before _thee_. Only my _tooth brush_ shall remain of all mine individuality. For lo, I have said in my heart, “Couldst thou love this man in a shop-made suit and a polka dot tie? Couldst thou love him though he lost his front hair? Couldst thou love him _without_ a collar?” And my heart hath answered: “Yea, verily! For I am the apple of his eye, and he is the source of mine income. Therefore are we truly _mated_.” Then, whatsoever thou doest, my beloved, it shall be right in my sight; and whatsoever thou wearest thou shalt seem beautiful in mine eyes. Even in thy _fishing_ clothes shall I adore thee; and if thou but concedest to change thy collar and carry _one_ glove when we go forth in public thou shalt appear sufficiently dressy unto _me_. I shall take great care of thy digestion, and thy devotion will take care of itself. I shall _not_ practise my cooking upon thee. I shall believe whatsoever thou tellest me, even when I know it to be _false_. I shall listen unto thy _fairy tales_ with respect. I shall _delight_ in thine imagination and the works thereof. I shall endeavor to like thee; for love passeth as the whirlwind, but friendship is a rock which endureth forever. I shall not laugh at thee, for I am _sane_. When thou hookest my frocks crooked I shall not murmur, but shall urge thee on with my cheers and praises. I shall not hear thy mutterings. I shall remember thy pipe, thy razor, and thy morning newspaper, to keep them holy. Thy Desk shall be sacred from mine hands. Thou shalt have _one hook_ within the closet. I shall be a _mother_ unto thee; yet shall I permit thee to treat me as a _babe_, that thou mayest rest under thy favorite delusion. Whosoever speaketh against thee I shall rend her with my finger nails and my sarcasm. I shall learn to be happy _without_ thee in order that I may be happy _with_ thee, when thou chancest to be at home. Thou shalt go thy ways untroubled; for I shall not be thy jailer but thy jollier. Verily, verily, I shall be _all_ things unto thee; even a wife, an angel, a kitten, a cook, a chum, and a siren. Yea, I shall be thine _whole harem_! SELAH. Transcriber’s Notes Simple typographical errors were corrected. Punctuation and spelling were made consistent when a predominant preference was found in this book; otherwise they were not changed. Ambiguous hyphens at the ends of lines were retained. Inconsistent hyphenation was not changed. In the original book, all pages, except the ones with full-page illustrations, included a decorative border. In the versions of this eBook that include illustrations, that border is shown only once, in the image of the Title Page. It has a yellow-green tint that may be an artefact caused by the ageing of the paper. In the Plain Text version of this eBook, that border is indicated only once, just before the Title Page. 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