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THURSDAY EVENING

A Comedy in One Act

By Christopher Morley

Copyright, 1922, By Christopher Morley


[Ill 0007]


CHARACTERS

Gordon Johns, a Young Business Man

Laura, Mrs. Gordon Johns

Mrs. Sheffield, Lauras Mother

Mrs. Johns, Gordons Mother



[Ill 0010]




THURSDAY EVENING


SCENE

_A small suburban kitchen in the modest home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon
Johns. A meal has recently been cooked, as is shown by a general
confusion of pots and pans and dish-cloths. At the rear, an icebox
standing in the corner. Rear, center, two shelved cabinets, one
containing groceries and household sundries, the other dishes and
glassware. Rear, L, an oil range. Some baby linen and very small shirts
(such as would be suitable for a child of about ten months') are hanging
on a clothes-horse near the stove. Boor R leads out to back porch; there
are two windows in R wall, one each side of door. Door L to diningroom.
At the corner in the rear, L, door opening on back stairs, which ascend
to upper parts of the house. Down stage, L, against side wall, a sink
and oil-cloth covered drain-board or shelf beside it. In the center of
stage a small table covered with oil-cloth. A kitchen chair in corner,
down R._

_When the scene opens, GORDON and LAURA are carrying in soiled dishes
through door, L. They come in and out several times, making methodical
arrangements for cleaning up. They pile the dishes on the shelf by the
sink. Gordon takes dishpan from a hook under the sink, and fills it
with hot water from the kettle on the stove. LAURA, who is an attractive
little person, aged about twenty-three, is in that slightly tense
condition of a young hostess who has had a long and trying day with
house and baby, and has also cooked and served a dinner for four._

GORDON

All right, Creature, just wait till I light my pipe and we'll polish
this up. (_Lights pipe and rolls up shirtsleeves._)

LAURA

(_taking an apron from chair in corner_)

Put this on first. That's the only decent pair of trousers you've got.

(_Enter Mrs. Sheffield, carrying dishes._)

MRS. SHEFF

Now you children run along and take it easy. I'll do all this.

LAURA

No, no, mother. You go and talk to Mrs. Johns. (_Pointedly._) Don't let
her come in here. mrs. sheff (_ultramaternally_)

Poor baby, she's tired. You've been on your feet all day, now let Mother
wash up for you. That was a big dinner to cook.

LAURA

No tireder than you are, Mother darling. You cooked lunch.

GORDON

Both of you clear out; I can get this done in no time.

MRS. SHEFF

(_patting Laura's cheek_)

Busy with the baby all afternoon, and then cooking such a delicious
dinner--Dearie, won't you let Mother do this for you?

LAURA

There isn't room in this kitchen for everybody-- (_Enter Mrs. Johns,
carrying dishes._)

MRS. JOHNS

Gordon, you and Laura go and rest. Let the two grandmothers--

GORDON

Now listen, little people, this is my job. I always wash up on Thursday
evenings--

MRS. JOHNS

You go and read your newspaper. I can see you're all fagged out after
that long day in the office--

MRS. SHEFF

(_to Laura_)

_Please_ go and lie down, Baby. You're so tired.

LAURA

(_with waning patience_)

You two go and amuse yourselves; Gordon and I'll attend to this. (_They
gently eject the two mothers-in-law_.)

GORDON

Come on, now, the good old system! (_He takes the small table from
center of stage, and puts it carefully midway between sink and dish
cabinet. Takes chair from corner, down R, and sets it beside table.
Laura sits down on chair and wipes silverware and dishes as he hands
them to her after washing_.)

LAURA

The silver first, while the water's clean.

GORDON

Right. We make a pretty good team at this, don't we?

LAURA

(_holds up a small silver jug_)

That darling old cream jug. Mother used that when she was a little girl.

GORDON

I love our little Thursday evening suppers. I think they're more fun
than any other night.

LAURA

I'm glad, Gordie.

GORDON

We get better grub on Thursdays, when Ethel goes out, than we ever do
when she's in.

LAURA

I tried to have everything specially nice tonight. Some visitors are
very critical.

GORDON

It was lovely. I'm afraid it was hard for you, Creature, to have Mother
come just now. (_A short pause,_) Especially when _your_ Mother was
here.

LAURA

Didn't she know Mother was here?

GORDON

No. I hadn't told her. You see your Mother is here so much more often.
I didn't know your mother would still be here. I was afraid Mother might
be a little hurt--

LAURA

Mother helps me a great deal. I think it's a queer thing if a wife
can't have her mother stay with her once in a while--

GORDON

(_aware of danger, changes the subject_)

Ye Gods, Ethel has cracked the Copenhagen platter. (_Laura is silent._)
That's one of the set Mother gave us when we were married.

LAURA

It's a stock pattern. You can get another at any department store.

GORDON

I'll bet that coon didn't empty the icebox pan before she went. I never
saw a cook yet who could remember to do that--

LAURA

If you had to go out and hunt for them you wouldn't be so particular.
She's better than no one.

GORDON

(_goes to icebox and removes a large, brimming pan from under
it_)

What did I tell you! (_The water slops over from pan as he carries it
gingerly to sink and empties it. He replaces the pan under icebox._)

LAURA

You'd better heat some more water. You've poured that ice-water into the
dishpan.

GORDON

(_getting a little peevish; refills kettle and puts it on stove_)

It's perfectly absurd not having any pantry to keep the icebox in. In
here, the heat of the stove melts the ice right away. (_Goes back to
icebox and slams its doors shut._) Of course, she never keeps the doors
properly closed. (_He returns to sink and resumes dishwashing._) It's a
funny thing.

LAURA

What is?

GORDON

Why, that a presumably intelligent coon can't understand the doors of
an icebox are meant to be kept tight shut, to save ice. What does she
suppose those little clamps are for? (_Laura is silent. There is a
pause, while Gordon scrapes portions of food off the soiled plates. He
examines some of these plates rather carefully, and picks out several
large pieces of meat, lettuce, butter, etc. which he puts on one plate
at one side. Then he seems to resume his good humor and relights his
pipe._) Well, it's jolly to have both the grandmothers here together,
isn't it?

LAURA

Gordon, dear, put the silver away in the sideboard before it gets wet
again. (_He gathers up silver from the table in front of her and exit L.
Laura steps outside door R, and returns, bringing garbage can, which she
puts down by the sink. She begins to wash dishes, and sees the plate of
odds and ends which Gordon has carefully put to one side. She scrapes
its contents into the garbage pail. While she is washings Gordon enter,
L._)

GORDON

Now, Creature, let me do that. You don't want to spoil those pretty
hands. (_Takes them, with an attempt to be affectionate._)

LAURA

I guess it isn't any worse for them than washing the baby's things.

GORDON

Come on, old man, let _me_. (_Gently removes her from sink, and pushes
her to the chair by the table. She sits down and wipes dishes as he
hands them to her._) It doesn't take long when there are two of us.

LAURA

Gordie, these dishes aren't properly clean. You can't get that grease
off without hot water.

GORDON

I guess that kettle's hot by now. (_To stove, feels water in kettle._)
Give it a minute longer. (_Stands by stove and puffs at his pipe. In a
moment of false security, he foolishly reopens a dangerous topic._) You
know, I'm a little worried about Mother.

LAURA

(_putting away dishes_)

Why?

GORDON

I don't think she's as well as usual. She hardly ate any of her salad.

LAURA

(_turns as though about to say somethings but checks herself and
pauses a moment. This time it is she who tries honorably to avert the
gathering storm_)

Oh, Gordie, I forgot to tell you! Junior drank out of a cup to-day--the
first time!

GORDON

He did! The little rascal!

LAURA

Look, here's the cup. (_Shows a small silver cup._)

GORDON

(_affectionately, putting his arm around her_)

Well, well. (_Looks at cup._) What cup is that? I don't seem to remember
it--

LAURA

Why--Mother brought it with her. She used it when she was a baby.

GORDON

Where's that nice old Christening mug of mine? I think Junior would like
to use that once in a while, too.

LAURA

I put it away, dear. I was afraid Ethel might dent it.

GORDON

(_takes kettle from stove, goes back to sink_)

I hope Mother isn't feeling poorly. I noticed at supper--

LAURA

When hot meat is served, refined people usually call it _dinner_--

GORDON

(_looks at her cautiously, and suddenly seems to realize that
they are on the edge of an abyss_)

Now, honey, you're tired. You go and rest, I'll finish up here.

LAURA

No, thank you. I like to see that everything gets cleaned up properly.
Someone might come snooping out here, and then there'd be hints about my
housekeeping. Of course, I'll admit I wasn't brought up to be a cook--

GORDON

(_seeks inspiration by relighting his pipe, and takes up a
handsome silver coffee pot_)

One thing I never can make out is, how to prevent coffee grounds from
going down the sink. (_He talks desperately, trying to tide over the
mutually realized danger point._) Perhaps if I could invent some kind
of a little coffee-ground strainer I'd make our fortune. That coffee was
delicious, Creature.

LAURA

Take care of that urn, it's one of the few handsome things we have.

GORDON

It _is_ a beauty.

LAURA

Jack Davis gave it to me--

GORDON

(_puts it down with distaste_)

I guess I'd better attend to the garbage.

LAURA

(_nervously_)

It's all fixed.

GORDON

I always like Thursdays because that's the one evening Ethel doesn't get
a chance to throw away about five dollars' worth of good food.

LAURA

I fixed the garbage. You can put the pail outside.

GORDON

(_hunting among plates on the shelf beside sink_)

Where's that plate I put here? There was a lot of perfectly good stuff I
saved--

LAURA

(_blows up at last_)

Well, if you think I'm going to keep a lot of halfeaten salad your
Mother picked over--

GORDON

(_seizes garbage pail, lifts it up to the sink and begins to
explore its contents. His fuse also is rapidly shortening._)

My Lord, it's no wonder we never have any money to spend if we chuck
half of it away in waste. (_Picking out various selections_.) Waste!
Look at that piece of cheese, and those potatoes. You could take those
things, and some of this meat, and make a nice economical hash for
lunch--

LAURA

It's a wonder you wouldn't get a job as a scavenger. I never _heard_ of
a husband like you, rummaging through the garbage pail.

GORDON

(_blows up_)

Do you know what the one unforgivable sin is? The sin against the Holy
Ghost? It's _Waste!_ It makes me wild to think of working and working
like a dog, and half of what I earn just thrown away by an ignorant
coon. Look at this, just look at it! (_Displays a grisly object._)
There's enough meat on that bone to make soup. And ye gods, here's that
jar of anchovy paste! (_Holds it up._) I thought you got that for me
as a little treat. I wondered where it had gone to. Why, I hadn't eaten
more than just the top of it.

LAURA

Well, you left it, and left it, and it got mildewed.

GORDON

Scrape it off. A little mildew won't hurt anybody. There'll be mildew on
my bank account if this kind of thing goes on. (_Still examining garbage
pail._) Look here, about half a dozen slices of bread. What's the matter
with _them_, I'd like to know.

LAURA

I think it's the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. To go picking
over the garbage pail like that. You attend to your affairs and I'll
attend to mine.

GORDON

I guess throwing away good, hard-earned money is my affair, isn't it?

LAURA

You're always quick enough to find fault. I know Ethel's careless, but
she's the best I can get out here in this godforsaken suburb. Maybe
you'll be good enough to find me a better servant. A well-trained girl
wouldn't work in this old dump, where there isn't even gas. You don't
seem to know when you're lucky. You come back at night and find your
home well cared for and me slaving over a hot dinner, and do you ever
say a word of thanks? No, all you can think of is finding fault. I can't
imagine how you were brought up. Your Mother--

GORDON

Just leave my mother out of it. I guess she didn't spoil me the way
yours did you. Of course, I wasn't an only daughter--

LAURA

I wish you had been. Then I wouldn't have married you.

GORDON

I suppose you think that if you'd married Jack Davis or some other of
those profiteers you'd never have had to see the inside of a kitchen--


LAURA

If Junior grows up with your disposition, all I can say is, I hope he'll
never get married.

GORDON

If he gets married, I hope it'll be to some girl who understands
something about economy--

LAURA

If he gets married, I hope he'll be man enough not to be always finding
fault--

GORDON

Well, he _won't_ get married! I'll put him wise to what marriage means,
fussing like this all the time--

LAURA

Yes, he _will_ get married. He _shall_ get married!

GORDON

Oh, this is too absurd--

LAURA

He _shall_ get married, just to be a humiliating example to his father.
I'll bring him up the way a husband _ought_ to be.

GORDON

In handcuffs, I suppose--

LAURA

And his wife won't have to sit and listen to perpetual criticism from
his mother--

GORDON

If you're so down on mothers-in-law, it's queer you're anxious to be one
yourself. The expectant mother-in-law!

LAURA

All right, be vulgar. I dare say you can't help it.

GORDON

Great Scott, what did you think marriage was like, anyway? Did you
expect to go through life having everything done for you, without a
little hard work to make it interesting?

LAURA

Is it necessary to shout?

GORDON

Now let me tell you something. Let's see if you can ratify it from your
extensive observation of life. Is there anything in the world so cruel
as bringing up a girl in absolute ignorance of housework, believing
that all her days she's going to be waited on hand and foot, and that
marriage is one long swoon of endearments--

LAURA

There's not much swooning while you're around.

GORDON

Why, I believe you actually think your life is wrecked if you aren't
being petted and praised every minute. You pretend to think marriage
is so sacred and yet you're buffaloed by a few greasy dishes. I like
my kind of sacredness better than yours, and that's the sacredness of
common sense. Marriage ought not to be performed before an altar, but
before a kitchen sink.

LAURA

(_furiously_)

I ought to have known that oil and water won't mix. I ought to have
known that a vulgar, selfish, conceited man couldn't make a girl happy
who was brought up in a refined family.

I was a Sheffield, and why I ever became a Johns is more than I can
imagine, Johns--I suppose that's camouflage for Jones. You're too
common, too ordinary, to know when you're lucky. You get a charming
aristocratic wife and expect her to grub along like a washerwoman.
You try to crush all the life and spirit out of her. You ought to have
married an icebox--that's the only thing in this house you're really
attentive to.

GORDON

Now listen--

LAURA

(_will not be checked_)

Talk about being spoiled--why, your Mother babies you so, you think
you're the only man on earth. (_Sarcastically_.) Her poor, overworked
boy, who tries so hard and gets all fagged out in the office and
struggles so nobly to support his family! I wonder how you'd like to run
this house and bear a child and take care of it and shuffle along with
an ignorant coon for a maid and then cook a big dinner and be sneered
at and never a word of praise. All you can think of is picking over the
garbage pail and finding fault--

GORDON

(_like a fool_)

I didn't find fault. I found some good food being wasted.

LAURA

All right, if you love the garbage pail better than you do your wife,
you can live with it. (_Flings her dishtowel on the floor and exit, L._)


(_Gordon stands irresolutely at the sink, and makes a few gloomy motions
among the unfinished dishes. He glares at the garbage can. Then he
carefully gathers those portions of food that he had chosen as being
still usable, contemplates them grimly, then puts them on a plate
and, after some hesitation, puts the plate in the icebox. He takes the
garbage can and puts it outside door, R. He returns into the kitchen,
but then a sudden fit of anger seizes him._)

GORDON

It's always the way! (_Tears off apron, throws it on the floor, and exit
R, slamming door._)

*****

(_After a brief pause, the door at the rear opening onto the back
stairs, is cautiously opened, and Mrs. Sheffield enters quietly. She
takes one swift look around the disordered kitchen, picks up dishtowel
and apron from the floor, and sets to work rapidly to clean up. Then
the back stairs door is again opened in the same stealthy way, and Mrs.
Johns enters. The two ladies seem to take each other's measure with
instinctive shrewdness, and fall into a silent, businesslike team-play
in putting things to rights. Mrs. Johns takes charge at the sink, and
the remaining dishes spin under her capable hands. Mrs. Sheffield takes
them from her, rapidly polishes them, and puts them away on the shelves.
There is unconscious comedy in the trained precision and labor-saving
method of their actions, which are synchronized so that every time Mrs.
Johns holds out a washed dish, Mrs. Sheffield is moving back from the
cabinet, ready to receive it. They work like automatons, for perhaps two
minutes not a word is said, and the two seem, by searching side-glances,
to be probing each other's mood._)

MRS. JOHNS

If it wasn't so tragic I'd laugh. (_A pause, during which they work
busily._)

MRS. SHEFF

If it wasn't so comic I'd cry. (_Another pause._) I guess it's my fault.
Poor Laura, I'm afraid I _have_ spoiled her.

MRS. JOHNS

_My_ fault, I think. Two mothers-in-law at once is too much for any
young couple. I didn't know you were here, or I wouldn't have come.

MRS. SHEFF

Laura is so dreadfully sensitive, poor child--

MRS. JOHNS

Gordon works so hard at the office. You know he's trying to get promoted
to the sales department, and I suppose it tells on his nerves--

MRS. SHEFF

If Laura could afford to have a nurse to help her with the baby she
wouldn't get so exhausted--

MRS. JOHNS

Gordon says he wants to take out some more insurance, that's why
he worries so about economy. It isn't for himself, he's really very
unselfish--

MRS. SHEFF

(_a little tartly_)

Still, I do think that sometimes--(_They pause and look at each other
quickly._) My gracious, we'll be at it ourselves if we don't look out!

(_She goes to the clothes-horse and rearranges the garments on it. She
holds up a lilliputian shirt, and they both smile._)

MRS. JOHNS

That darling baby! I hope he won't have poor Gordon's quick temper.
It runs in the Johns family, I'm afraid. I was an Armstrong before
I married Gordon's father--I didn't know what temper was until I
married--either my own or his.

MRS. SHEFF

I was a Thomson--Thomson without the P, you know, from Rhode Island. All
families are hot tempered. All husbands' families, anyway.

MRS. JOHNS

Gordon's father used to say that Adam and Eve didn't know when they were
well off. He said that was why they called it the Garden of Eden.

MRS. SHEFF

Why?

MRS. JOHNS

Because there was no mother-in-law there.

MRS. SHEFF

Poor children, they have such a lot to learn! I really feel ashamed,
Mrs. Johns, because Laura is an undisciplined little thing, and I'm
afraid I've always petted her too much. She had such a lot of attention
before she met Gordon, and was made so much of, it gave her wrong ideas.

MRS. JOHNS

I wish Gordon was a little younger, I'd like to turn him up and spank
him. He's dreadfully stubborn and tactless--

MRS. SHEFF

But I'm afraid I _did_ make a mistake. Laura was having such a good
time as a girl, I was always afraid she'd have a hard awakening when she
married. But Mr. Sheffield had a good deal of money at that time, and he
used to say, 'She's only young once, let her enjoy herself.'

MRS. JOHNS

My husband was shortsighted, too. He had had to skimp so, that he
brought up Gordon to have a terror of wasting a nickel.

MRS. SHEFF

Very sensible. I wish Mr. Sheffield had had a little more of that
terror. I shall have to tell him what his policy has resulted in. But
really, you know, when I heard them at it, I could hardly help admiring
them. (_With a sigh._) It brings back old times!

MRS. JOHNS

So it does! (_A pause._) But we can't let them go on like this. A little
vigorous quarreling is good for everybody. It's a kind of spiritual
laxative. But they carry it too far.

MRS. SHEFF

They're awfully ingenious. They were even bickering about Junior's
future mother-in-law. I suppose she's still in school, whoever she may
be!

MRS. JOHNS

Being a mother-in-law is almost as painful as being a mother.

MRS. SHEFF

I think every marriage ought to be preceded by a treaty of peace between
the two mothers. If they understand each other, everything will work out
all right.

MRS. JOHNS

You're right. When each one takes sides with her own child, it's fatal.

MRS. SHEFF

(_lowering her voice_)

Look here, I think I know how we can make them ashamed of themselves.
Where are they now?

MRS. JOHNS

(_goes cautiously to door L and peeps through_)

Laura is lying on the couch in the living-room. I think she's
crying--her face is buried in the cushions.

MRS. SHEFF

Splendid. That means she's listening with all her ears--(_Tiptoes to
window, R._) I can't see Gordon, but I think he's walking round the
garden--

MRS. JOHNS

(_quietly_)

If we were to talk a little louder he'd sit on the back steps to hear
it--

MRS. SHEFF

Exactly. Now listen! (_They put their heads together and whisper; the
audience does not hear what is said._)

MRS. JOHNS

Fine! Oh, that's fine! (_Mrs. Sheffield whispers again, inaudible to the
spectators._) But wait a moment. Don't you think it would be better if
_I_ praise Laura and _you_ praise Gordon? They won't expect that, and it
might shame them--

MRS. SHEFF

No, no! Don't you see--(_Whispers again, inaudibly_.)

MRS. JOHNS

You're right. Cunning as serpents and harmless as doves--(_They
carefully set both doors, L and R ajar._)

MRS. SHEFF

I only hope we won't wake the baby--(_They return to the task of
cleaning up, and talk very loudly in pretended quarrel._)

MRS. JOHNS

Where do these dessert plates go?

MRS. SHEFF

On this shelf.

MRS. JOHNS

You're here so much more often than I, naturally you know Laura's
arrangements better.

MRS. SHEFF

It's a lucky thing I _am_ here. I don't know what poor Laura would do
without me at such a dreadful time--

MRS. JOHNS

_Poor_ Laura! I should say she's very fortunate, such a good husband--

MRS. SHEFF

I think it's rather sad for a girl who has had as much as she has, to
come down to this--

MRS. JOHNS

It's perfectly wonderful how Gordon has got on in business--

MRS. SHEFF

He ought to, with such a lovely home, run like a clock--

MRS. JOHNS

Yes. An alarm clock.

MRS. SHEFF

Well, I'm not going to see my daughter's happiness ruined--

MRS. JOHNS

I always knew he'd make some girl a fine husband--

MRS. SHEFF

Perhaps. But he seems to have picked the wrong girl. Laura has too much
spirit to be bullied--

MRS. JOHNS

Well, perhaps it was all a mistake. Poor Gordon, he works so hard. I
believe his hair is going white over his ears already.

MRS. SHEFF

Stuff! That's lather from where he shaved this morning. He's too
slovenly to wash it off.

MRS. JOHNS

It isn't right that a young man should have to slave the way he does--

MRS. SHEFF

(_apparently in a passion_)

Do you think that business slavery can compare to household slavery? I
think it's heartrending to see an attractive girl like Laura shut up
in a poky little house doing drudgery and tending a baby. Think of it,
having to take care of her own baby! Why, it's an outrage. If Gordon was
half a man, he'd get her a trained baby nurse so she wouldn't have to
_look_ at the poor little thing--

MRS. JOHNS

(_scathing_)

Yes, how sad that Gordon should have to entrust his son to amateur care
when it needs scientific attention.

MRS. SHEFF

Poor darling Laura--she never ought to have had a baby.

MRS. JOHNS

Gordon is too intellectual to be bothered with these domestic details.
He ought to be able to concentrate on his work.

MRS. SHEFF

(_coming close to Mrs. Johns, feigning great rage, but grimacing to show
it is merely acting_)

Well, if you don't think my daughter is good enough for your son, I can
always take her home with _me_. I guess I can find room for her, and we
can put the child in an institution. (_Both nearly laughs but recover
themselves_.)

MRS. JOHNS

Don't worry. _I'll_ take the child. He's a Johns anyway, not a
Sheffield. And you just watch Gordon, when he's relieved of all this
family worry and quarreling. He'll make his mark in the world. He's too
fine to be tied down by a wife that doesn't understand him.

MRS. SHEFF

Oh, how happy Laura will be to hear this. My sweet, clever, attractive,
economical, sensible little girl, free at last. Her married life has
been a nightmare. That great, hulking, selfish man has tried to trample
all the joy out of her. He shan't do it.

MRS. JOHNS

I never heard of a young husband as self-sacrificing as Gordon. I don't
believe he _ever_ goes out for an evening with other men, and he _never_
spends anything on himself--

MRS. SHEFF

I think the way Laura runs her little home is just wonderful. See how
she struggles to keep her kitchen in order--this miserable, inconvenient
little kitchen, no gas, no pantry, no decent help. I think it's
_terrible_ she has had to put up with so much--(_They pause, and listen
at the door, L. The kitchen is now spick and span. Mrs. Johns makes a
gesture to indicate that Laura is taking it all in, offstage._)

MRS. JOHNS

Well, then, it's all settled.

MRS. SHEFF

Yes. As Laura's mother, I can't let her go on like this. A husband, a
home, and a baby--it's enough to ruin any woman.

MRS. JOHNS

It's only fair to both sides to end it all. I never heard of such brutal
hardships. Gordon can't fight against these things any longer. Throwing
away a soupbone and three slices of bread! I wonder he doesn't go mad.

MRS. SHEFF

We've saved them just in time. (_They look at each other knowingly, with
the air of those who have done a sound bit of work, Then they stealthily
open the door at the rear, and exeunt up the back stairs,_)

*****

(_There is a brief pause; then the door L opens like an explosion, and
Laura bursts in, She stands for a moment, wild-eyed, stamps her foot
in a passion, Then she seizes one of the baby shirts from the rack, and
drops into the chair by the table, crying. She buries her head in her
arms, concealing the shirt, Enter Gordon, R, He stands uncertainly,
evidently feeling like a fool._)


GORDON

I'm sorry, I--I left my pipe in here. (_Finds it by the sink,_)

LAURA

(_her face still hidden_)

Oh, Gordie, _was_ it all a mistake?

GORDON

(_troubled, pats her shoulder tentatively_)

Now listen, Creature, don't. You'll make yourself sick.

LAURA

I never thought I'd hear such things--from my own mother.

GORDON

I never heard such rot. They must be mad, both of them.

LAURA

Then you were listening, too--

GORDON

Yes. Why, they're deliberately trying to set us against each other.

LAURA

They wouldn't have _dared_ speak like that if they had known we could
hear. Gordon, I don't think it's _legal_--

GORDON

I'm afraid the law doesn't give one much protection against one's
mothers.

LAURA

(_miserably_)

I guess she's right. I _am_ spoiled, and I _am_ silly, and I _am_
extravagant--

GORDON

Don't be silly, darling. That's crazy stuff. I'm _not_ overworked, and
even if I were I'd love it, for you--

LAURA

I don't _want_ a nurse for Junior. I wouldn't have one in the house.
(_Sits up, dishevelled, and displays the small shirt she has been
clutching._) Gordon, I'm _not_ an amateur! I love that baby and I _am_
scientific. I keep a chart of his weight every week.

GORDON

Yes, I know, ducky, Gordon understands. Soon we'll be able to buy that
scales you want, and we won't have to weigh him on the meat balance.

LAURA

_Nobody_ can take away my darling baby--

GORDON

It was my fault, dear. I _am_ obstinate and disagreeable--

LAURA

I'll speak to Ethel about the garbage--

GORDON

Ethel's all right. We're lucky to have her.

LAURA

Gordon, you mustn't work too hard. You know you're all I have--(_A
sob_.) since Mother's gone back on me.

GORDON

(_patting her_)

I think it's frightful, the things they said. What are they trying to
do, break up a happy home?

LAURA

We _are_ happy, aren't we?

GORDON

Well, I should say so. Did you ever hear me complain? (_Takes her in his
arms_.)

LAURA

No, Gordie. It was cruel of them to try to make trouble between us--but,
perhaps, some of the things they said--

GORDON

Were true?--

LAURA

Well, not exactly true, dear, but--interesting! --your mother is right,
you _do_ have a hard time, and I'll try--

GORDON

(_stops her_)

No, _your_ mother is right. I've been a brute--

LAURA

I'm lucky to have such a husband--(_They are silent a moment_.)

GORDON

I suppose you'll think it an awful anticlimax--

LAURA

What, dear?

GORDON

Suppose we have something to eat?

LAURA

(_happily_)

Good idea. Quarreling always makes me hungry. (_They go to the icebox_.)
I didn't really get any supper to speak of, I was worrying about
everything so--

GORDON

(_opening icebox_)

You mean _dinner_, honey--among refined people!

LAURA

Don't be a tease. Come on, we'll have a snack-- (_She discovers Gordon s
plate of left-overs_.)

GORDON

Throw out that junk--I was idiotic to save it.

LAURA

No, Gordie, you were quite right. We must save everything we can. Four
or five heads of lettuce would make a new shirt for Junior.

GORDON

(_bewildered_)

Lettuce?

LAURA

I mean, if we saved that much, it would make enough money to buy him
a new little vest. He's getting so enormous--(_She puts plate of
left-overs on the table, with some other cold food._)

GORDON

There, now, this is better. (_They sit down at table._)

LAURA

(_thoughtfully_)

You know, Gordie, we mustn't let them know we heard them.

GORDON

No, I suppose not. But it's hard to forgive that sort of talk.

LAURA

Even if they did say atrocious things, I think they really love us--

GORDON

We'll be a bit cold and stand-offish until things blow over.

LAURA

(_complacently_)

If I'm ever a mother-in-law, I shall try to be _very_ understanding--

GORDON

Yes, Creature. Do you remember why I call you Creature?

LAURA

Do I not?

GORDON

There was an adjective omitted, you remember.

LAURA

Oh, Gordie, that's one of the troubles of married life. So many of the
nice adjectives seem to get omitted.

GORDON

Motto for married men: Don't run short of adjectives!--You remember what
the adjective was?

LAURA

Tell me.

GORDON

_Adorable_, It was an abbreviation for Adorable Creature--(_Holds her,
They are both perfectly happy_.) I love our little Thursday evenings.
laura (_partly breaks from his embrace_)

Sssh! (_Listens,_) Was that the baby?


CURTAIN