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Transcriber's note:

      Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).

      Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).





THE DONKEY, THE ELEPHANT AND THE GOAT

At A Public Meeting

by

J. P. BUSCHLEN







Price Twenty-five Cents


      *      *      *      *      *      *

                             _ANNOUNCEMENT_

This playlet, by virtue of its simple rime, may perhaps claim a small
share of that license granted to poets, in assuming that the Goat may at
this early stage of the game be taken as an emblem of the Farmers' and
Workers' political party, which is unfortunately not as yet quite a
fact, nationally. The right to present this discussion as a play, for
purposes of raising money, may be obtained only by writing to the
author, in care of Box 1625, Great Falls, Montana. The right to present
it free of charge, by way of assisting the farm and labor movement, is
hereby granted everyone who is in possession of a copy of the printed
booklet.

                                                             THE AUTHOR.

Great Falls, Montana, August, 1920.

                       (Price Twenty-Five Cents.)

      *      *      *      *      *      *


Copyright, 1920, by J. P. Buschlen
For Sale at Box 1625, Great Falls, Mont.




  The Donkey, the Elephant

     and the Goat

    _At A Public Meeting_

    By

    J. P. Buschlen


     ELEPHANT

  You see me here, an elephant,
      A symbol of the mighty--


     DONKEY

  The while you listen to his cant
      Remember he is flighty....
  I come to you, a donkey wise,
      With pedigree unlowly--


     ELEPHANT

  Beware this fellow's sleepy eyes
      And manner smooth and holy....
  As Barnum used to say to me
      When oft we strolled together,
  "The people seem to like to be
      Led round upon a tether."
  And so, I see, I've got to speak
      With these unwholesome creatures,
  Since you, dear folks, have been so weak
      As to invite such preachers.


     DONKEY

  If I may but inject a word,
      I think it most plebe'an
  To class me with a goat. Absurd!


      GOAT

      A mule is always mean.


     ELEPHANT

  When P. T. bade me fond adieu,
      Good people, I departed
  To where I could be serving you
      More whole-and-single hearted;
  I packed my grip and trumpeted
      The news of my arrival,
  That you might follow where I led
      And join a great revival.


     DONKEY

  His boastful manner ill becomes
      A thing of such proportions.


     ELEPHANT

  I made this land a world of homes--


      GOAT

      And laws with strange contortions.


     DONKEY

  I do not wish to interpose,
      But, sir, you are addressing
  A body whom we may suppose
      Would call your death a blessing.
  If you could boast a lineage
      Like mine, you might be pardoned
  For occupying all the stage
      And holding views so hardened.


      GOAT

  I'm glad I'm but a simple goat
      With humble beard and frocking;
  My people were of little note--


     ELEPHANT

      I think, sir, I was talking.
  And I would have it understood
      That I will put my prestige
  Against a Southern neighborhood,
      Or aught of Southern vestige.
  Besides, if Noah didn't lie,
      The morning he went arking,
  My wife and family and I
      Were also there, embarking.
  I'd grudge the honor to a goat,
      But this presumptive donkey,
  Although he gets the southern vote,
      Descended from a monkey.


      GOAT

  In view of what I've done to you
      I forego the distinction
  Of being dragged the ages through
      From ape to near-extinction.


     ELEPHANT

  If I would seem, as Mule implies,
      Inclined myself to flatter,
  Is not some credit due to size
      And to a good standpatter?
  Has not the jungle that I rule
      Been growing more efficient?
  Go ask most any knave or fool
      And get you proof sufficient!


     DONKEY

  You seem the fact to quite ignore,
      You tusky, trunky sinner,
  That I have been in power; what's more
      Will be again the winner.


      GOAT

  Come now, we'll get nowhere with this--
      Why not attack the issue,
  And tell the people how it is
      We're made of diff'rent tissue?


     DONKEY

  We are indeed, and that's a fact
      For which I'm truly grateful;


     ELEPHANT

  And so I am, to be exact.
      (Aside to D.) This goat is very hateful.


     DONKEY

  Your challenge, Goat, do I accept.
      I represent a party
  Which never through the years has slept
      And still is hale and hearty.


      GOAT

  How could it sleep when both its eyes
      Were flirting with the bosses?
  May not you later realize
      Your gains were often losses?...


     ELEPHANT

  If I may say a word or two
      About this great Republic:
  The party I have given you
      Has made it's actions public;
  No secret has it e'er denied
      The masses it protected.


      GOAT

  So ably has the rascal lied,
      The ass is quite dejected.


     ELEPHANT

  The best of old New England blood
      Within its veins is flowing;
  Its sons have fought for every good--


      GOAT

      Old grafter in the "showing."


     ELEPHANT

  When donkeys in the cotton states
      Were riding on the niggers
  We cancelled all their riding dates--


      GOAT

      And made them all blind-piggers.


     ELEPHANT

  We built a mighty commonwealth
      Against great opposition,
  Improving faith and moral health--


     DONKEY

      And fostering sedition!
  I think it's time for me to speak,
      In patriotic phrases:
  To sit in silence here were weak,
      The while himself he praises.
  The party that I represent
      And have the voice and manner
  To here so faithfully present,
      Has carried high its banner.
  From fine old Southern gentle stock
      Its stalwarts have arisen--


      GOAT

  To better populate the dock,
      The army and the prison.


     DONKEY

  We would have won the Civil War--


      GOAT

      Had Palmer then existed--


     DONKEY

  But several southerners were for
      The armies that resisted.
  For office we have never run
      A man who lacked in breeding,
  As these Republicans have done,
      Their low traditions heeding.
  And did not we, the Democrats,
      Win out against the German,
  When all the world was dogs and cats--?


      GOAT

      And soldiers fought the vermin?


     ELEPHANT

  Good donkey, we have had enough
      Of your election wheezing;
  Besides, that ancient family-stuff
      Has got the goat, here, sneezing--
  And when a thing's too strong for one
      So strong for Townley jingo,
  I think it time that you had done
      With your disgusting lingo.


      GOAT

  Again I beg to urge you two
      That you confine your phrases
  To what you've done and aim to do
      To earn the people's praises.


     ELEPHANT

  I've done as much as one could wish
      Since Wilson ruled the nation--


     DONKEY

  He shows the judgment of a fish
      In his absurd inflation.


     ELEPHANT

  All eyes are fixed on me, I say,
      Nor will I disappoint them;
  With thanks will I their faith repay--


      GOAT

      And oily words anoint them.


     ELEPHANT

  I'll bring back Lincoln from the grave,
      Converting all the Palmers;
  The world for business will I save--


      GOAT

      And jail the blasted farmers.


     DONKEY

  When I again am called to reign,
      As I will be this autumn,
  I'll show you men of brawn and brain--


      GOAT

      Obeying them who bought 'em.


     DONKEY

  I'll rule with e'en a firmer hand
      Than you have seen me doing,
  And make the alien understand--


      GOAT

      His blood requires blueing....
  Now look here, boys, the audience
      Is patiently awaiting
  A dozen facts, a little sense--
      You've done enough bull-baiting.
  Give them the thing you're standing for--
      They're standing for aplenty!--


     DONKEY

  I'd like to now discuss the war--


     ELEPHANT

      He rambles on like Henty!


     DONKEY

  We showed the flag to every land,
      We swept the boundless ocean,
  And yet we never showed our hand,
      Nor truckled to emotion.
  We made the foreigner behave,
      The mighty and the small; and
  We sent the Kaiser to his grave--


      GOAT

      I thought he was in Holland?


     DONKEY

  We made the pacifists obey
      Our able war-directors,
  And handled things without delay--


      GOAT

      Especially war-objectors.


     ELEPHANT

  We grant you this to brag about,
      But when our party's saddled
  We'll give you ample room for doubt--


      GOAT

      On issues ably straddled.


     ELEPHANT

  I think you'll then admit that while
      You did what you were able,
  You lacked our more successful wile
      In keeping business stable.


      GOAT

  Your windy generalities
      Have left the country gasping--


     DONKEY

  He's started in again to wheeze!


     ELEPHANT

      His voice is very rasping!


      GOAT

  You've camouflaged the issue, boys,
      As people are perceiving,
  With waving flags and vocal noise--


     ELEPHANT

      (To D.) His whiskers are deceiving!


      GOAT

  The cry is for a loaf of bread--
      You offer but a promise;
  The methods you employ are dead--


     DONKEY

      (To E.) He'd take our living from us!


      GOAT

  You're living in a day gone by,
      Oblivious of the present,
  While women weep and children die--


     ELEPHANT

      He's getting most unpleasant!


      GOAT

  The world is full of concrete needs,
      And this land's no exception,
  Of problems that will yield to deeds
      But never to deception.
  I've sat here list'ning to the views
      That you have ventilated:
  Now maybe for the sake of news
      You'll hear =my= doctrine stated?


     DONKEY

  I cannot see how anything
      A billygoat might proffer
  Could any new idea bring?


     ELEPHANT

      'Tis not a legal offer.


     DONKEY

  And while about it might I say,
      I fail of comprehending
  Just why this meeting here today
      Has been so condescending
  As to invite, with you and me,
      Dear tusky friend, this creature
  So lacking in camaraderie
      And so uncouth of feature!


     ELEPHANT

  Indeed I cannot but agree,
      Dear Donkey, with your premise,
  And much I doubt that you should see
      =Me= weeping at his demise.


      GOAT

  Are these the gentlemen we saw
      So recently atussle,
  Inventing words, within the law,
      Each other's goat to hustle?
  How strange that at a word of mine
      They swing around together?
  You will, perhaps, recall a line
      That mentions "birds o' feather."


     DONKEY

  The atmosphere is getting close--
      Will some one draw the curtain?


     ELEPHANT

  (Whispering) I wonder does he just suppose,
      Or does he know for certain?


      GOAT

  If I'm beyond your courtesy,
      I still have vocal powers,
  So lend those mighty ears to me
      For half a dozen hours.
  I know that I am but a goat
      All battered by the weather,
  But in this land I have a vote,
      And I won't sell it, ne'ther!
  I represent a class of men
      And women who have struggled
  Against the tide, while you have been
      "Retained" and dined and--juggled.
  While you and yours have raked the gold
      We've raked the burning stubble;
  While we lay frozen in the cold
      You froze our chances double.
  We went to you for years and years
      In bitter anguish pleading:
  You answered us with silent jeers
      And left us bruised and bleeding.
  As long as mortals could endure
      We stood your joint oppression,
  And then we sought and found a cure--
      Which now is your obsession.


     DONKEY

  A cure, he says, a cure--ha! ha!
      He means to say affliction!


     ELEPHANT

  A goat can only bunt and bah,
      Its wisdom is a fiction!


      GOAT

  You see, you will not challenge me,
      You merely hurl invective;
  You fear the home-made guns that we
      Have turned on our objective.
  Well, be it so, I still can speak,
      As long as ears will listen,
  And give you facts to fill your beak,
      O birds I cannot christen!
  Where I was born we give the farms
      And homes to those who need them;
  We have a method that disarms
      The man who would misdeed them.
  We make the law the advocate
      Of common people, mainly,
  By placing it =beneath= the state,
      Where it can serve humanely.
  We guard the tiller of the soil
      Before the speculator;
  The man who lives on others' toil
      We count a second-rater.
  The state is servant to the mass--
      I don't go much on Nietzsche,
  And so the Elephant and Ass
      Are anxious to impeach me!
  But where, O symbols of the wise
      In statesmanship and honor,
  Were nations ever known to rise
      Who catered to a donor?
  What people ever reached the heights
      Of art and all we cherish,
  By local threats and foreign fights?
      Their fate is but to perish!
  The only thing that made this land
      As great as we have found it,
  Was justice to whatever band
      Saw fit to cluster round it.
  Our fathers met them at the shore,
      The stranger and wayfarer,
  And gave them all they asked, and more--
      Became their burden-bearer.
  But now how different it is!
      The timid voice that raises
  A feeble cry for what is his
      Gets hustled off to Blazes!


     DONKEY

  He very much exaggerates,
      And what atrocious wording!


     ELEPHANT

  He merely bellows, bahs and bleats--
      A habit formed in herding.


      GOAT

  The workers that I represent
      Are not of one vocation,
  But every one who earns a cent
      Has there an invitation.
  The platform that we stand upon
      Is not a sheet of paper,
  A speech about the rosy dawn,
      A song of purple vapor;
  You'll find it in the farmer's home,
      And on the worker's table,
  Where mortgagers would like to come--
      If only they were able.
  You'll find it in the common school,
      The mine, the shop, the kitchen,
  And where the wheat's begun to stool,
      And Hi the Ford is hitchin'.
  You'll find it, Brother Elephant,
      In frigid North Dakota,
  Where "Frazier, Ladd and Townley can't
      Affect us one iota!"
  You'll find it, Donkey, on the flood,
      If you've a will to find it,
  And if your promises are good
      You'll get right in behind it!


     DONKEY

  (To the Elephant) The interview is at an end
      So far as I'm concerned.


     ELEPHANT

  (To the Donkey) And as for me, my dearest friend,
      The meeting is adjourned.
  (Donkey and Elephant shake hands and go
      offstage together.)


      GOAT

  Good citizens, the hour is late,
      And you are doubtless tired;
  I leave you to your bitter fate,
      Since Jack and Jill retired.
  But may I urge before you go:
      Preserve that sense of humor,
  For often it will serve to show
      The folly of a rumor!
  A laugh will often kill a lie,
      Where sermons fail completely;
  So let us laugh until we die--
      And even then smile sweetly.




      *      *      *      *      *      *




Transcriber's note:

The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the
public domain.

Accentuation, punctuation and spelling as per the original text.