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                              Bimmie Says

                          By SYDNEY VAN SCYOC

           [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
                    Galaxy Magazine October 1962.
         Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
         the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]




     Bimmie says people are stupid. Bimmie says he can help
     them--but they're not really worth his trouble, Bimmie says.


_June 27, 1982_ Bimmie said to do this, keep a diary. I said, Cows? He
said, You deaf, woman? A book! Then I remembered, only I haven't seen
one. It's for when he's famous. Then we can have it published anytime
we need money.

I'd better tell about us. I'm short, sort of cute, and I cook good.
Bimmie's tall and skinny, he likes to eat. He's 18, I'm 16. We got
married 22 days ago. Instead of a fancy wedding, Bimmie told my folks,
Give us money.

He needed the money for his laboratory. It's in the basement. It's
what'll make him famous.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 31, 1982_ We got a cat and dog. They're black and two months old.
I wanted red collars. Bimmie said, Don't waste my money, woman.

Bimmie wanted them down in his laboratory. He said that'd be proper
conditions. I said, No, I'll leave if you do and you'll have to eat
capsules.

The cat's he, the dog's she. Bimmie doesn't want them outside, ever.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 3, 1982_ We thought Bimmie's folks'd change their minds. But they
said, Finally and conclusively, we won't. Bimmie says he doesn't want
to go to college if they're stingy because we got married. He already
knows everything important.

He wants me to finish school. I can finish in December. I thought when
you got married you didn't have to, just slept late and fixed your hair.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 9, 1982_ The puppy's Susta, the cat's Sup. Susta's jealous
because Sup jumps on the couch, and she can't.

Bimmie'll have to make pills for Susta. She hides from his needle.
She'll be small. That's good, Bimmie says.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 17, 1982_ He just married me to cook! Every night he's in his
laboratory. I'm always in this stupid, _ugly_ house.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 18, 1982_ Susta won't change for a long time. Bimmie has pills
now.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 1, 1982_ School started. Frankie's still stuck on me. He
says I'm sexy, that's why Bimmie married me. I said, He married me for
my cooking. He laughed.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 11, 1982_ I felt funny again. I stopped by Momma's. She bets
she knows what it is. She knew after ten days.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 15, 1982_ I had to ask the school nurse if it was that. She
said, Yes, two weeks. I hope she's wrong. Babies are work. She said,
But the fulfillment. I said, Changing soppy diapers is what you call
fulfillment?

It doesn't show. Frankie winked at me.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 17, 1982_ The cat climbed those lace curtains Bimmie's
mother gave us. Bimmie said it was my job to watch him. I said, That's
a stupid way to spend my life. He said, I didn't marry you to have you
sit around and do nothing.

Susta watched Sup and whined. She wants to be a cat.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 27, 1982_ Bimmie read my diary. He said there wasn't a June
31. He says to tell more about his work. It won't make money if he's
not in it.

I told him about the baby. He said, Whoopee! He got some obstetrics
books.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 5, 1982_ Bimmie expects the baby to kick already. I'm glad it
doesn't! He made the puppy's pills tonight.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 7, 1982_ I let them outside. The smell in the house turns my
stomach. I'm afraid to take the pills Bimmie made me.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 9, 1982_ I let them out again. There's a black dog next door
with a long nose, ears like rosebuds and white feet. Susta was scared.
Sup hissed.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 25, 1982_ Bimmie's so nice. He took me to a tridiversion. He
hates them. He said, They're for the cloddy-minded masses. I said,
Well, what are we?

I want a tridiversion wall. Bimmie says, No. We had a fight.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 30, 1982_ I took a pill Bimmie made. I felt good.

I let them out. It beats cleaning up. Susta played with that dog.

       *       *       *       *       *

_November 7, 1982_ I went to Dr. Brantly. He hypnotized me. I don't
remember it.

       *       *       *       *       *

_December 13, 1982_ Susta's leaving spots. I thought, She's hurt.
Bimmie explained and said, Don't let her out. He wants to wait till
next time to have puppies. He said, The treatment must take full effect
first. He explained but I didn't understand.

       *       *       *       *       *

_January 5, 1983_ I'm out of school. It's boring. Momma says I'm too
young to settle down. She's crazy. I'm sixteen.

       *       *       *       *       *

_January 11, 1983_ Bimmie's reading more obstetrics books. Hypnotism
too. He tried to hypnotize me, but I went to sleep.

       *       *       *       *       *

_January 14, 1983_ I wish Momma would stop. She said, Where're you
going to put a baby, with only one bedroom. She cried and called me
Baby. Gosh! She said, You shouldn't have cats around babies, you'll
have to give him away.

Bimmie heard, from the bedroom. He came out. He said, I am conducting
an important scientific experiment with the cat and dog. I would as
soon give away the baby. Momma got white under her plasti-skin. She
said, Bimmie, you're a monster for experimenting on dumb animals. And
for rejecting your own child.

Then Sup climbed the curtains Momma gave us. She shrieked, You're
ungrateful! and huffed out.

She came back later, asking us to forgive her. She said she wanted to
help, since we're both still children. Well!

I do wonder where we'll put the baby. Maybe on the couch.

       *       *       *       *       *

_February 17, 1983_ I had to tell Bimmie I was letting them out. Sup
fought with the dog next door. Bimmie got mad. He told me, They must
have a controlled environment. I said, It's hard for me to bend over
to clean up. Finally he said he'd clean up and wasn't it funny Sup and
that dog knew they were rivals.

I didn't know myself.

       *       *       *       *       *

_March 17, 1983_ I saw Dr. Brantly today. He says I'm fine. I tried to
remember him putting me in the trance, but I couldn't.

       *       *       *       *       *

_April 19, 1983_ Saw Dr. Brantly. Sup pulled the curtains down. Susta
isn't jealous any more, she's playing with a string.

       *       *       *       *       *

_May 9, 1983_ I'm writing this next day. Last night I had this sharp
pain. I said, Bimmie, call Dr. Brantly. I remember him looking at me
funny. That's all I remember until I woke up in the hospital. Bimmie
was sitting beside me, looking proud. I asked him, What's happened?
He grinned. We have a nine-pound son, he said. I named him after the
man who delivered him. I said, Did I faint? That wasn't the way it was
explained, just that Dr. Brantly would put me in a trance. Bimmie was
too busy grinning to say, then he had to go to work. The doctor came
in. I said, It wasn't bad, I only felt one pain. He frowned. I said,
Can I see the baby? He said, Later. He went out too.

I thought I must have cussed.

I didn't understand until the nurse brought the baby. He had a little
plastic bracelet that said Bimford Fost, Jr. He was red and squalling.
I felt like doing the same, because I knew why Bimmie had been studying
those obstetrics books. He has to try everything!

       *       *       *       *       *

_May 21, 1983_ I'm seventeen today. Bimmie says to write more. He
thinks that's all I have to do. The baby sleeps all the time he isn't
crying. I like him, only I'm tired of diapers.

Susta gets three pills every day. She plays with them, then eats them.
Bimmie said last night, It won't be long until my experiment bears
fruit. He said to write that here.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 3, 1983_ Susta tried to climb the curtains.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 5, 1983_ Bimmie wanted to give the baby some pills he made. I
said, No. He said, They'll make him smarter, woman. I said, He's enough
trouble dumb.

Today was our first anniversary. Bimmie wouldn't buy me anything.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 9, 1983_ We fought about a dryer. After he left I said, For that
I'll let your animals out. The dog next door came up. Susta arched her
back.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 21, 1983_ I've been putting them out every day.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 25, 1983_ Bimmie says to write every day, his experiment is
coming to a head. I can't see anything happening. Susta gets six pills
now.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 27,1983_ The dog's that way again. Bimmie said, At last my
experiment shall be carried to completion. Not that I care for fame
and riches, no, I care only for the accomplishment of something man has
never before achieved. I said he didn't sound natural. He said, Put it
down that way, woman.

       *       *       *       *       *

_June 29, 1983_ Bimmie wanted to feed the baby. I caught him before he
gave him a pill. We fought. He said, Who delivered him? I said, I made
him, and pointed to my stomach. I said, I won't have you using him like
a guinea pig.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 4, 1983_ Bimmie says tomorrow we'll shut them up in the basement.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 5, 1983_ The funniest thing. Bimmie said, You put them in the
basement. Then he left. I thought, I'll just take them out while I
hang diapers. But when we went out, three dogs came up. I said, Scat!
I couldn't chase them because I had my arms full of diapers, because
Bimmie won't buy me a basket. They came closer, edging around. I
stomped my feet and yelled. The dog next door came and growled. Then
Sup hissed at him. This was the first the other three saw Sup. He
hunched up, spitting and intending to chase them off. Only they took
out after him instead. He ran off with four dogs after him. I couldn't
do anything, my arms were full.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 6, 1983_ Bimmie didn't think it was funny. He yelled, What are
you, stupid? Didn't you know dogs would come around? Didn't you know
dogs chase cats? He took the car and called, Kitty, kitty, all over
town. No luck. I said, Get another cat. He said, This one is used to
Susta. I said, There'll be another time. He stared at me and said
Susta's system would tolerate only so much of the stuff he's been
giving her. He can't give her any more after next month. He'll have to
wait another year. Then he went looking again.

That was last night. Maybe he'll come home tonight.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 7, 1983_ He hasn't. Bimmie's biting his fingernails. He'd bite
harder if he knew what happened today.

I thought Susta was asleep when I went to hang diapers. I had my arms
clear full. When I opened the door, Susta shot past me. I yelled at
her, but she went flying down the street, and I saw that dog next door
take off behind her. I thought first thing, It's Bimmie's fault for not
buying a dryer.

I hung the clothes fast. After all, nothing could happen in such a
short time. Then I started up the street calling, Here Susta! But the
baby was alone, I had to hurry home.

She came back in half an hour. I didn't tell Bimmie yet.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 8, 1983_ I didn't tell him, still. He was mad because he had to
pay to get Sup out of the pound. Bimmie salved his ears, they were
torn, and put them in the basement. He said, Now!

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 15, 1983_ Bimmie says to write every day. It's dull, them in the
basement. They come up tomorrow.

       *       *       *       *       *

_July 23, 1983_ Susta acts funnier than ever. She rubs my legs when I'm
cooking. She keeps wetting her paws and rubbing her face.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 3, 1983_ Today I caught Susta sharpening her claws on the
couch. I said, Bimmie, look at the crazy dog, thinks she's a cat. He
frowned. He only has one pimple now, he's kind of handsome. I said,
Isn't it cute? Bimmie went downstairs. I think he was worried.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 11, 1983_ Susta's getting big. I let her sleep with the baby.
Bimmie says, Whoopee! It worked! I'm scared to tell him now.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 12, 1983_ Susta rubs my leg when she's hungry. Then she sits
and switches her tail for a long time.

       *       *       *       *       *

_August 17, 1983_ Susta meowed today. I was fixing dinner. She looked
up and said, Meow. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Bimmie's afraid
she'll have kittens. That isn't what he's trying to do.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 5, 1983_ Susta wanted to go down in the basement this
afternoon. When I called her for supper she came up with her stomach
flat. Bimmie and I went down. Susta ducked back in a hole in the wall.
There's a sort of little cave. We said, They must be in there. We got a
flash, and we could see little black balls. Bimmie couldn't reach them.

Bimmie kept talking about how his experiment is going to revolutionize
agriculture.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 6, 1983_ I can hear her meowing to them. We can see them
with the flash. We can't tell anything yet.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 7, 1983_ He'll buy a typewriter but not a dryer! He's going
to write a book about his experiment. He expects _me_ to type it.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 10, 1983_ She still won't bring them out. She purred today,
rusty-like. Bimmie says, sometimes, It had to work. Other times he
bites his nails.

He gave me ten pages to type. I thought I'd better.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 13, 1983_ I went down to call Susta and I saw them. There
were five, wobbling everywhere. They're the cutest fat things. I picked
one up, and then I felt sick. He had a long nose and little rosebud
ears and white feet. He looked like the dog next door.

All of them do. They're all puppies. Nothing else, just puppies.

I put them in a box, and took them upstairs.

Bimmie's working tonight. I'll go to bed before he comes home.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 14, 1983_ He raved all morning and tromped around. I said,
Shut up or I'll leave and you'll have to eat capsules. He said, I could
eat dog food! Then he wanted to see my diary. I said, No. But he yanked
out all the drawers and found it.

I took the baby and went to Momma's.

It was suppertime when I came home. He was on the couch with Sup and
Susta and the puppies.

He didn't act mad, just nasty-nice. So you came home, he said. I never
realized how limited you were, Listie. Your diary's shown me a lot. Can
you at least find homes for the puppies?

I said, I guess. I put the baby down. He hadn't thrown anything or
burned my diary.

He said, Good, then. I've fixed supper.

He had hamburger, frozen pie and hot chocolate. Some of it tasted bad.
I didn't say anything.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 15, 1983_ I asked Bimmie, Should I quit my diary? He said,
Yes. Then, No, keep on. I asked, was he doing another experiment? He
said, Not yet. I said, Bim better not start talking early. He said, You
don't think I'd experiment with my own child? I didn't know. He said,
Bim might be smart anyway. I said, He might be, he's your son. It was a
good compliment.

       *       *       *       *       *

_September 17, 1983_ Bimmie wants to learn cooking. He said, You have
to work hard, hanging diapers. It will help if I can cook.

I'll teach him hot chocolate first. His fixing tastes _awful_.

       *       *       *       *       *

_October 5, 1983_ I have little to report. Bimford, Jr. is flourishing.
The puppies are adorable. Susta and Sup tend them jointly.

Bimmie has no new project. He has thrown all his energies into cooking.
He does quite well, except for hot chocolate, which still tastes of
chemicals.

I never, until yesterday, realized the intellectual and sensual joy to
be derived from delving into Greek drama.

       *       *       *       *       *

_November 9, 1983_ Bimford, Jr. is six months old today. Since I
gave up the last puppy, the house seems barnlike in its emptiness. I
mentioned the fact to Bimford.

His glance was speculative. "I have some money saved. Want a
tridiversion wall?"

I was horrified. "Whatever for?"

He shrugged. "Maybe you'd like to go to the library. Get something to
read."

I considered. "Perhaps I will," I said. "There isn't much for me to
do, hang diapers and push buttons. Automation has almost completely
eliminated the housewife's traditional chores."

I left Bimford, Jr. with Mother and walked to the library. I asked the
librarian to show me about.

"What are you interested in?" she inquired.

"I don't know," I replied. "Do you have any good recent works on
chemistry or perhaps nuclear physics?"

She raised her eyebrows but conducted me to the proper shelf. After
finding several interesting volumes, I also checked out a volume on
cookery for Bimford. His hot chocolate doesn't improve, despite nightly
practice.

He tells me he is working on a new project.