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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS

A Farce In Three Acts

By Arthur W. Pinero

1894,




THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY.

The Hon. Vere Queckett

Miss Dyott (Principal of Volumnia College for Daughters of Gentlemen)

Rear-Admiral Archibald Rankling, C.B. (of H.M. Flag Ship _Pandora_)

Mrs. Rankling Dinah

Mr. Reginald Paulover

Peggy Hesslbrigge (An Articled Pupil)

Lieut. John Mallory (Of H.M. Flag Ship _Pandora_)

Mr. Saunders (Mr. Mallory's Nephew, of the Training Ship
_Dexterous_)

Gwendoline Hawkins Ermyntrude Johnson

Mr. Otto Bernstein (A Popular Composer)

Tyler (A Servant)

Jane Chipman

Goff

Jaffray




INTRODUCTORY NOTE

When, during the season of 1885, the exceptional success of "The
Magistrate" had revived the fortunes of the Court Theatre and included
that house once again among the popular places of entertainment, the
future policy of Messrs. John Clayton and Arthur Cecil's management
was practically determined. The essentially comic play, the farce of
character and manners, was henceforth to compose the programme, and Mr.
Pinero, who had suggested the new policy, and so happily inaugurated
it, was naturally commissioned to provide the next play. "The
Schoolmistress" was accordingly forthcoming in due time, and in the
composition of this piece the author further developed his ideas as to
the scope and meaning of modern farce, ideas which will be found briefly
expounded in my introductory note to "The Cabinet Minister," published
in the present series of Mr. Pinero's plays. "The Schoolmistress" has a
very simple stage-history. It was produced at the old Court Theatre on
March 27, 1886, and it immediately caught the laughter and applause of
the town, the success being so decided that the play retained its
place in the programme until January 22, 1887, the total number of
performances in the interval having amounted to 290.

For purposes of reference a copy of the "first night" programme is here
appended:

[Illustration: 0012]

[Illustration: 0013]

ACT I. THE MYSTERY.

Reception Room at Volumnia College, Volumnia House, near Portland Place.

Class Room at Volumnia College.

ACT II. THE PARTY.

ACT III. NIGHTMARE.

Morning Room at Admiral Rankling's in Portland Place.


The success in London led to the Court management sending a special
company to represent the play in the provinces, where its popularity has
been great and enduring, so much so that Mr. Edward Terry has recently
added "The Schoolmistress" to his provincial repertoire.

The same story of success must be told of the play's career in Australia
and America. Messrs. Brough and Boucicault presented it to the audiences
of the Antipodes, where, in the character of Peggy Hesslerigge, Miss
Pattie Browne is said to have given a remarkable performance, as the
original exponent of the part, Miss Norreys, had done in London. In the
United States, Miss Rosina Vokes was responsible for the production of
Mr. Pinero's play, but there the principal success was achieved by Mr.
Weedon Grossmith in the character of the Hon. Vere Queckett, originally
interpreted with so much quaint humour by Mr. Arthur Cecil.

Malcolm C. Salaman.

January, 1894.




THE FIRST ACT--THE MYSTERY

_The Scene is the Reception Room at Miss Dyott's seminary for young
ladies, known as Volumnia College, Volumnia House, near Portland Place.
The windows look on to the street, and a large door at the further
end of the room opens to the hall, where there are some portmanteaus
standing, while there is another door on the spectator's right.
Jane Chipman, a stout, middle-aged servant, and Tyler, an unhealthy
looking youth, wearing a page's jacket, enter the room, carrying between
them a large travelling-trunk._

TYLER.

[_Breathlessly._] 'Old 'ard--'old 'ard! Phew! [_They rest the trunk
on the floor, Tyler dabs his forehead with a small dirty handkerchief,
which he passes on to Jane._] Excuse me not offering it to you first,
Jane.

JANE.

[_Dabbing the palms of her hands._] Don't name it, Tyler. Do you 'appen
to know what time Missus starts?

TYLER.

Two-thirty, I 'eard say.

JANE.

It's a queer thing her going away like this alone--not to say nothing
of a schoolmistress leaving a lot of foolish young gals for a month or
six weeks.

TYLER.

[_Sitting despondently on the trunk._] Cook and the parlourmaid got rid
of too--it's not much of a Christmas vacation we shall get, you and me,
Jane.

JANE.

You're right. [_Sitting on the sofa._] Let's see--how many of our young
ladies 'aven't gone home for their 'olidays?

TYLER.

Well, there's Miss 'Awkins.

JANE.

Her people is in India.

TYLER.

Miss Johnson.

JANE.

Her people is in the Divorce Court.

TYLER.

Miss Hesslerigge.

JANE

Oh, she ain't got no 'ome. She's a orphan, studying for to be a
governess.

TYLER.

Then there's this new girl, Miss Ranklin'.

JANE.

Dinah Ranklin'?

TYLER.

Yes, Dinah Ranklin'. Now why is _she_ to spend her Exmas at our College?
She's the daughter of Admiral Ranklin', and the Ranklin's live jest
round the corner at Collin'wood 'Ouse.

JANE.

Oh, she's been failin' in love or something, and has got to be locked
up.

TYLER.

Well then, last but not least, there's the individual who is kicking his
'eels about the 'ouse, and giving himself the airs of the 'aughty.

JANE.

[_Mysteriously._] What--Missus's husband?

TYLER.

Yes--Missus's husband.

JANE.

Ah! Mark my word, if ever there was a mystery, there's one.

TYLER.

_Who_ is he? Missus brings him 'ome about a month ago, and doesn't
introduce him to us or to nobody. The order is she's still to be called
Miss Dyott, and we don't know even his nasty name.

JANE.

[_Returning to the trunk._] She calls him Ducky.

TYLER.

Yes, but _we_ can't call him Ducky. [_Pointing to the handkerchief
which Jane has left upon the sofa_] My 'andkerchief, please. I don't let
_anybody_ use it.

JANE.

[_Returning the handkerchief._] Excuse me. [_In putting the handkerchief
into his breast-pocket he first removes a handful of cheap-looking
squibs._] Lor! You will carry them deadly fireworks about with you,
Tyler.

TYLER.

[_Regarding them fondly._] Fireworks is my only disserpation. There
ain't much danger unless anybody lunges at me. [_Producing some dirty
crackers from his trousers pockets, and regarding them with gloomy
relish._] Friction is the risk I run.

JANE.

[_Palpitating._] Oh, don't, Tyler! How can you 'ave such a 'ankering?

TYLER.

[_Intensely._] It's more than a 'ankering. I love to 'oard 'em and
meller 'em. To-day they're damp--to-morrow they're dry. And when the
time comes for to let them off--

JANE.

Then they don't go off--

TYLER.

[_Putting the fireworks away._] P'r'aps not--and it's their 'orrible
uncertainty wot I crave after. Lift your end, Jane. [_They take up the
trunk as Gwendoline Hawkins and Ermyntrude Johnson, two pretty girls,
the one gushing, the other haughty in manner, appear in the hall._]

GWENDOLINE.

Here are Miss Dyott's boxes--she is really going to-day. I am so happy!

ERMYNTRUDE.

What an inexpressible relief! Oh, Tyler, I am dissatisfied with the
manner in which my shoes are polished.

GWENDOLINE.

Yes--and, Tyler, you never fed my mice last night.

TYLER.

It ain't my place. Birds and mice is Jane's place.

GWENDOLINE.

You are an inhuman boy. [_Shaking Tyler._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

You are a creature!

JANE.

Don't shake him, Miss, don't shake him! [_Peggy Hesslerigge enters
through the hall, and comes between Tyler and Gwendoline. Peggy is a
shabbily dressed, untidy girl, with wild hair and inky fingers, her
voice is rather shrewish and her actions are jerky: altogether she has
the appearance of an overwise and neglected child._].

PEGGY.

Leave the boy alone, Gwendoline Hawkins! What has he done?

GWENDOLINE.

He won't feed my darling pets.

ERMYNTRUDE.

And he is generally a Lower Order.

PEGGY.

Go away, Tyler. [_Tyler and Jane deposit the trunk in the hall with the
other baggage, and disappear._] You silly girls! To make an enemy of the
boy at the very moment we depend upon his devotion! It's just like you,
Ermyntrude Johnson!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Don't you threaten me with your inky finger, Miss Hesslerigge, please.

PEGGY.

Ugh! Haven't we sworn to help Dinah Rankling with our last breath?
Haven't we sworn to free her from the chains of tyranny and oppression,
and never to eat much till we have seen her safely and happily by her
husband's side!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Yes--but we can't truckle to a pale and stumpy boy, you know.

PEGGY.

We can--we've got to. If Dinah's husband is ever to enter this house
we must crouch before the instrument who opens the door--however short,
however pasty.

DINAH.

[_Calling outside._] Are you there, girls?

PEGGY.

[_Jumping and clapping her hands._] Here's Dinah!

ERMYNTRUDE AND GWENDOLINE.

[_Calling._] Dinah! [_They run up to the door to receive and embrace
Dinah, who enters through the hall. Dinah is an exceedingly pretty and
simple-looking girl of about sixteen._]

GWENDOLINE.

We've been waiting for you, Dinah.

PEGGY.

And now you're going to keep your promise to us, ain't you?

DINAH.

My promise?

PEGGY.

To tell us all about it from beginning to end.

DINAH.

[_Bashfully._] Oh, I can't--I don't like to.

PEGGY.

You must; we've only heard your story in bits.

DINAH.

But where's Miss Dyott?

PEGGY.

Out--out--out.

DINAH.

And where is _he_--Miss Dyott's husband?

PEGGY.

What--the Mystery? [_Skipping across to the left-hand door, and, going
down on her knees, peering through the keyhole._] It's all right. One
o'clock in the day, and he's not down yet--the imp! I'd cold sponge him
if I were Miss Dyott. Places, young ladies. [_Ermyntrude sits with Dinah
on the sofa, Gwendoline being at Dinah's feet. Peggy perches on the edge
of the table with her feet on a chair._] H'm! Now then, Mrs. --------
what's your name, Dinah?

DINAH.

[_Drooping her eyelids._] Paulover--Mrs. Reginald Paulover.

PEGGY.

Attention for Mrs. Paulover's narrative. Chapter One.

DINAH.

Well, dears, I met him at a party--at Mrs. St. Dunstan's in the Cromwell
Road. He was presented to Mamma and me by Major Padgate.

PEGGY.

Vote of thanks to Major Padgate; I wish _we_ knew him, young ladies.
Well?

DINAH.

I bowed, of course, and then Mr. Paulover--Mr. Paulover asked me whether
I didn't think the evening was rather warm.

PEGGY.

He soon began to rattle on, then. It was his conversation that attracted
you, I suppose?

DINAH.

Oh no, love came very gradually. We were introduced at about ten
o'clock, and I didn't feel really drawn to him till long after eleven.
The next day, being Ma's "At home" day, Major Padgate brought him to
tea.

PEGGY.

Young ladies, what is your opinion of Major Padgate?

ERMYNTRUDE.

I think he must be awfully considerate.

DINAH.

He's not--he called my Reginald a "young shaver."

PEGGY.

That's contemptible enough. How old is your Reginald?

DINAH.

He is much my senior--he was seventeen in November. Well, the following
week Reginald proposed to me in the conservatory. He spoke very sensibly
about settling down, and how we were not growing younger; and how he'd
seen a house in Park Lane which wasn't to let, but which very likely
would be to let some day. And then we went into the drawing-room and
told Mamma.

PEGGY, ERMYNTRUDE, _AND_ GWENDOLINE.

Well, well? [_Breaking down and putting her handkerchief to her eyes._]
Oh, I shall never forget the scene! I never shall.

PEGGY.

Don't cry, Dinah! [_They all try to console her._]

DINAH.

Mamma, who is very delicate, went into violent hysterics and tore at the
hearthrug with her teeth. But a day or two afterwards she grew a little
calmer, and promised to write to Papa, who was with his ship at Malta.

PEGGY.

And did she?

DINAH.

Yes. Papa, you know, is Admiral Rankling. His ship, the "Pandora," has
never run into anything, and so Papa is a very distinguished man.

GWENDOLINE.

And what was his answer?

DINAH.

He telegraphed home one terrible word--"Bosh!"

PEGGY and ERMYNTRUDE

[_Indignantly._] Oh!

GWENDOLINE.

He ought to be struck into a Flying Dutchman!

DINAH.

The telegraphic rate from Malta necessitates abruptness, but I can never
forgive the choice of such a phrase. But it decided our fate. Three
weeks ago, when I was supposed to be selecting wools at Whiteley's,
Reginald and I were secretly united at the Registry Office.

GWENDOLINE.

Oh, how lovely!

ERMYNTRUDE.

How romantic!

DINAH.

We declared we were much older than we really are, but, as Reginald
said, trouble had aged us, so it wasn't a story. At the doors of the
Registry Office we parted.

ERMYNTRUDE.

How horrible!

GWENDOLINE.

I couldn't have done that!

DINAH.

And when I reached home there was a letter from Papa ordering Mamma to
have me locked up at once in a Boarding School; and here I am--torn from
my husband, my letters opened by Miss Dyott, quite friendless and alone.

GWENDOLINE.

No, that you're not, Dinah. Listen to me! Miss Dyott is going out of
town to-day, and I'm left in charge. I'm a poor governess, but playing
jailer over bleeding hearts is not in my articles, and if your husband
comes to Volumnia House and demands his wife, he doesn't go away without
you--does he, young ladies?

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE AND PEGGY.

No. We will do as we would be done by--won't we?

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Yes! [_The street-door bell is heard, the girls cling to each other._]

PEGGY, ERMYNTRUDE AND GWENDOLINE.

[_In a whisper._] Oh!

DINAH.

[_Trembling._] Miss Dyott! [_Tyler is seen crossing the hall. Peggy runs
to the window, and looks out._]

PEGGY.

No, it isn't--it's the postman.

DINAH.

A letter from Reginald!

[_Tyler enters with three letters._]

PEGGY.

[_Sweetly._] Anything for us, Tyler dear?

TYLER.

[_Looking at the letters, which he guards with one arm._] One for Miss
Dinah Ranklin'!

DINAH.

Oh! [_Snatching at her letter, which Tyler quickly slips into his
pocket._]

TYLER.

My orders is to hand Miss Ranklin's letters to the missus. [_Handing a
letter to Peggy._] Miss Hesslerigge.

PEGGY.

[_Surprised._] For me?

TYLER.

[_Looking at the third letter._] a go!

GIRLS.

What's that?

TYLER.

Oh, look 'ere, here's--[_Dancing with delight._] Oh, crikey! this must
be for _him!_

PEGGY.

Miss Dyott's husband!

GIRLS.

The Mystery! [_The Girls gather round Tyler and look over his
shoulder._]

PEGGY.

[_Reading the address._] It's re-addressed from the Junior Amalgamated
Club, St. James's Street. [_Snatching the letter from Tyler._] Gracious!
"The Honourable Vere Queckett!"

GWENDOLINE.

The Honourable!

ERMYNTRUDE.

The Honourable!

TYLER.

What's that mean?

PEGGY.

Young ladies, we have been entertaining a swell--unawares! [_Returning
letter to Tyler._] Take it up.

TYLER.

Swell or no swell, the person who siles two pairs of boots _per diem_
daily is no friend o' mine. [_Tyler goes out._]

PEGGY.

[_Opening her letter._] Oh! From Dinah's Reginald! No, no!

DINAH.

Addressed to me. [_Referring to the signature._]

PEGGY.

"Reginald Percy Paulover!"

DINAH.

Read it, read it! [_Peggy sits on the sofa, the three girls clustering
round her; Dinah kneeling at her feet expectantly._]

PEGGY.

[_Reading._] "Montpelier Square, West Brompton. Dear Miss Hesslerigge,
Heaven will reward you. The letter wrapped round a stone which you threw
me last night from an upper window of Volumnia House was handed to me
after I had compensated the person upon whose head it unfortunately
alighted. The news that Dinah has one friend in Volumnia House enabled
me to get a little rest between half-past five and six this morning."

GWENDOLINE.

_One_ friend!

ERMYNTRUDE.

_What about us?_ [_Dinah kisses them._]

DINAH.

Go on!

PEGGY.

[_Reading._] "Not having closed my eyes for eleven nights, sleep was
of distinct value. Now, dear Miss Hesslerigge, inform Dinah that our
apartments are quite ready"--

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Oh!

PEGGY.

"And that I shall present myself at Volumnia College, to fetch away the
dear love of my heart, to-night at half-past nine." To-night!

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

To-night!

DINAH.

Oh, I've come over so frightened!

PEGGY.

To-night!

[_Waving the letter and dancing round with delight._]

GWENDOLINE.

Finish the letter.

PEGGY.

[_Resuming her seat, and reading with emotion._] "Please assure Dinah
that I shall love her till death, and that the piano is now moving in.
Dinah is my one thought. The former is on the three years' system.
Kiss my angel for me. Our carpet is Axminster, and, I regret to say,
second-hand. But, oh! our life will be a blessed, blessed dream--the
worn part going well under the centre table. This evening at half-past
nine. Gratefully yours, Reginald Percy Paulover. P.S.--I shall be
closely muffled up, as the corner lamp-post under which I stand is
visible from the window of Admiral Rank-ling's dining-room. You will
know me by my faithful, trusty respirator." Oh! I'm so excited! I wish
somebody was coming for me!

ERMYNTRUDE.

I know--we shall be frustrated by Jane!

GWENDOLINE.

Or Tyler! Leave them to me

PEGGY.

--I'll manage 'em!

DINAH.

But there's Miss Dyott's husband!

PEGGY.

What? Let the mysterious person who has won Miss Dyott pause before he
steps between a young bride and bridegroom! Ladies, Miss Dyott's husband
is ours for the holidays. One frown from him and his dinners shall be
wrecked, his wine watered, his cigars dampened. He shall find us not
girls but Gorgons! [_A loud knock and ring are heard at the front door.
Jane crosses the hall._]

ERMYNTRUDE, GWENDOLINE, AND DINAH.

[ _Under their breath._] Miss Dyott! Miss Dyott! [_They quickly
disappear. Peggy remains, hastily concealing the letter. Miss Dyott
enters. She is a good-looking, dark woman of dignified presence and
rigid demeanour, her dress and manner being those of the typical
schoolmistress._] Is that Miss Hesslerigge?

PEGGY.

[Demurely.] Yes, Miss Dyott.

MISS DYOTT.

How have the young ladies been employing themselves?

PEGGY.

I have been reading aloud to them, Miss Dyott.

MISS DYOTT.

Is Mr. Que------is my husband down yet?

PEGGY.

I've not had the pleasure of seeing him, Miss Dyott.

MISS DYOTT.

You can join the young ladies, thank you.

PEGGY.

Thank you, Miss Dyott. [_In the doorway she waves Reginald's letter
defiantly, but quickly disappears as Miss Dyott turns round._]

MISS DYOTT.

Now, if Vere will only remain upstairs a few moments longer! [_She goes
hurriedly to the left-hand door, listens, and turns the key, then to the
centre door, listens again and appears satisfied, after which she throws
open the window and waves her handkerchief, calling in a loud whisper._]
Mr. Bernstein! Mr. Bernstein! I have left the door on the latch. Come
in, please. [_Closing the window and going to the door. Very shortly
afterwards, Otto Bernstein, a little elderly German, with the air of a
musician, enters the room._] Thank you for following me so quickly.
[_Closing the door and turning the key._]

BERNSTEIN.

You seemed so agitated that I came after your cab mit anoder.

MISS DYOTT.

Agitated--yes. Tell me--miserable woman that I am--tell me, what did I
sound like at rehearsal this morning?

BERNSTEIN.

Cabital--cabital. Your voice comes out rich and peautiful. Marks my
vord--you will make a hit to-night. Have you seen your new name in de
pills?

MISS DYOTT.

The pills?

BERNSTEIN.

The blay-pills.

MISS DYOTT.

I should drop flat on the pavement, if I did.

BERNSTEIN.

It looks very vine. [_Quoting._] "Miss Gonstance Delaporte as Queen
Honorine, in Otto Bernstein's new Gomic Opera, 'Pierrette,' her vurst
abbearance in London."

MISS DYOTT.

Oh, how disgraceful!

BERNSTEIN.

Disgraceful! To sing such melodies! No--no, please. Disgraceful! Vy
did you appeal to me, dree weeks ago, to put you in the vay of getting
through the Christmas vacation?

MISS DYOTT.

[_Tearfully._] You don't know everything. Sit down! I can trust you. You
are my oldest friend, and were a pupil of my late eminent father. Mr.
Bernstein, I am no longer a single woman.

BERNSTEIN.

Oh, I am very bleased. I wish you many happy returns of the--eh--no--I
congratulate you.

MISS DYOTT.

I am married secretly--secretly, because my husband could never face
the world of fashion as the consort of the proprietress of a scholastic
establishment. You will gather from this that my husband is a gentleman.

BERNSTEIN.

H'm--so--is he?

MISS DYOTT.

It had been a long-cherished ambition with me, if ever I married, to
wed no one but a gentleman. I do not mean a gentleman in a mere
parliamentary sense--I mean a man of birth, blood, and breeding. Respect
my confidence--I have wedded the Honourable Vere Queckett.

BERNSTEIN.

[_Unconcernedly._] Ah! Is he a very nice man?

MISS DYOTT.

Nice! Mr. Bernstein, you are speaking of a brother of Lord Limehouse!

BERNSTEIN.

Oh, am I? Lord Limehouse--let me tink--he is very--very--vot you gall
it?--very popular just now. Yah--yah--he is in the Bankruptcy Court!

MISS DYOTT.

[_With pride._] Certainly. So is Harold Archideckne Queckett, Vere's
youngest brother. So is Loftus Martineau Queckett, Vere's cousin. They
have always been a very united family. But, dear Mr. Bernstein, you have
accidentally probed the one--I won't say fault--the one most remarkable
attribute of these great Saxon Quecketts.

BERNSTEIN.

Oh yes, I see; you have to pay your husband's leedle pills.

MISS DYOTT.

Quite so--that is it. I have the honour of being employed in the gradual
discharge of liabilities incurred by Mr. Vere Queckett since the year
1876. I am also engaged in the noble task of providing Mr. Queckett with
the elaborate necessities of his present existence.

BERNSTEIN.

I know now vy you vanted mine help.

MISS DYOTT.

Ah, yes! Volumnia College is not equal to the grand duty imposed upon
it. It is absolutely necessary that I should increase my income. In my
despair at facing this genial season I wrote to you.

BERNSTEIN.

Proposing to turn your cabital voice to account, eh?

MISS DYOTT.

Quite so--and suggesting that I should sing in your new Oratorio..

BERNSTEIN.

Well, you are going to do zo.

MISS DYOTT.

What! When you have induced me to figure in a comic opera!

BERNSTEIN.

Yah, yah--but I have told you I have used the music of my new Oratorio
for my new Gomic Opera.

MISS DYOTT.

Ah, yes--that is my only consolation.

BERNSTEIN.

Vill your goot gentleman be in the stalls to-night?

MISS DYOTT.

In the stalls--at the theatre! Hush, Mr. Bernstein, it is a secret from
Vere. Lest his suspicions should be aroused by my leaving home every
evening, I have led him to think that I am visiting a clergyman's wife
at Hereford. I shall really be lodging in Henrietta Street, Covent
Garden.

BERNSTEIN.

Oh, vy not tell him all about it?

MISS DYOTT.

Nonsense! Vere is a gentleman; he would insist upon attending me to and
from the theatre.

BERNSTEIN.

Veil, I should hope so.

MISS DYOTT.

No--no. He is himself a graceful dancer. A common chord of sympathy
would naturally be struck between him and the _coryphées_. Oh, there is
so much variety in Vere's character.

BERNSTEIN.

Veil, you are a plucky woman; you deserve to be happy zome day.

MISS DYOTT.

Happy! Think of the deception I am practising upon dear Vere! Think
of the people who believe in the rigid austerity of Caroline Dyott,
Principal of Volumnia College. Think of the precious confidence reposed
in me by the parents and relations of twenty-seven innocent pupils. Give
an average of eight and a half relations to each pupil; multiply eight
and a half by twenty-seven and you approximate the number whose trust I
betray this night!

BERNSTEIN.

Yes, but tink of the audience you will delight tonight in my Oratorio--I
mean my Gomic Opera. Oh, that reminds me. [_Taking out a written paper
from a pocket-book._] Here are two new verses of the Bolitical Song for
you to commit to memory before this evening. They are extremely goot.

MISS DYOTT.

_Looking at the paper._ Mr. Bernstein, surely here is a veiled allusion
to--yes, I thought so. Oh, the unwarrantable familiarity! I can't--I
can't--even vocally allude to a perfect stranger as the Grand Old Man!

BERNSTEIN.

Oh, now, now--he von't mind dat!

MISS DYOTT.

But the tendency of the chorus--[_reading_] "Doesn't he wish he may get
it!" is opposed to my stern political convictions! Oh, what am I coming
to? [_Queckett's voice is heard._]

QUECKETT.

[_Calling outside._] Caroline! Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

Here's Vere! [_Hurriedly to Bernstein._] Goodbye, dear Mr.
Bernstein--you understand why I cannot present you.

BERNSTEIN.

[Bustling.] Good-bye--till to-night. Marks my vord, you vil make a great
hit.

QUECKETT.

[_Calling._] Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Unlocking the centre door._] Go--let yourself out.

BERNSTEIN.

Goot luck to you!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Opening the door._] Yes, yes.

BERNSTEIN.

And success to my new Oratorio--I mean my Gomic Opera.

MISS DYOTT.

Oh, go! [_She pushes him out and closes the door, leaning against it
faintly._]

QUECKETT.

[_Rattling the other door._] I say, Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Calling to him._] Is that my darling Vere?

QUECKETT.

[_Outside._] Yes. [_She comes to the other door, unlocks and opens it.
Vere Queckett enters. He is a fresh, breezy, dapper little gentleman of
about forty-five, with fair curly hair, a small waxed moustache, and a
simple boyish manner. He is dressed in the height of fashion and wears a
flower in his coat, and an eyeglass._]

QUECKETT.

Good-morning, Caroline, good-morning.

MISS DYOTT.

How is my little pet to-day? [_Kissing his cheek, which he turns to her
for the purposed_] Naughty Vere is down later than usual. It isn't my
fault, dear, the florist was late in sending my flower.

MISS DYOTT.

What a shame!

QUECKETT.

[_Shaking out a folded silk handkerchief._] Oh, by-the-bye, Carrie, I
want some fresh perfume in my bottles.

MISS DYOTT.

My Vere shall have it.

QUECKETT.

Thank you--thank you. [_Sitting before the fire, opening the newspaper,
and humming a tune._] Let me see--let me see. Ah, here we are--"Court of
Bankruptcy--before the Official Receiver." Lime-house came up again for
hearing yesterday. How they bother him! They bothered me in '75. Now,
here's a coincidence, Carrie. In 1875 my assets were nil--in 1885 dear
old Bob's assets are nil. Now that's deuced funny.

MISS DYOTT.

Vere, dear, have you forgotten what to-day is?

QUECKETT.

[_Referring to the head of paper._] December the twenty-second.

MISS DYOTT.

Yes, but it's the day on which I am to quit my Verey.

QUECKETT.

Oh, you've stuck to going, then! Well, I daresay you're right, you know.
You've a very bad cold. Nothing like change for a bad cold--change of
scene, change of pocket-handkerchiefs, and so on.

MISS DYOTT.

But you don't say anything about your own lonely Christmas. I have
married a man who is too unselfish.

[_The centre door opens slightly, and the heads of the three girls,
Peggy, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude appear one above the other, spying._]

QUECKETT.

[_Putting down his paper._] Lonely? By Jove, these inquisitive pupils of
yours won't let a fellow be lonely! Upon my soul, they are vexing girls.

MISS DYOTT.

But they are a source of income, dear.

QUECKETT.

They are a source of annoyance. I've never had the measles. I've half a
mind to catch it and give it to 'em. Now if I could only while away my
evenings somewhere, these vexing girls wouldn't so much matter. [_He
rises, the heads disappear, and the door closes. Listening._] What was
that?

MISS DYOTT.

The front door, I think.

QUECKETT.

I thought it might be those vexing girls--they're always prying about. I
was going to say, Carrie, why not let me withdraw my resignation at the
Junior Amalgamated Club and continue my membership?

MISS DYOTT.

Ten guineas a year for such an object I cannot afford and will not pay,
Vere.

QUECKETT.

Upon my soul, I might just as well be nobody, the way I'm treated.

MISS DYOTT.

Oh, my king, don't say that! Have you thought about the Christmas
expenses?

QUECKETT.

Frankly, my dear, I have not.

MISS DYOTT.

Have you forgotten that my rent is due on Friday?

QUECKETT.

Completely.

MISS DYOTT.

And then think--only think of your boots!

QUECKETT.

Oh, dash it all--what man of any position ever thinks of his boots?
[_Producing a letter._] The fact is, Caroline, I have had a
note--sent on to me from the club--from my friend, Jack Mallory. He is
first-lieutenant on the "Pandora," you know, and just home after four
years at Malta. He reached London yesterday, and writes me--[_Reading_]
"Now, old chap, do let's have one of our old rollicking nights together,
and"--

MISS DYOTT.

What!

QUECKETT.

Eh? [_Correcting himself _] He writes me--[_Referring to the letter._]
"Now, old chap, do let me give you the details of our new self-loading
eighty-ton gun." Well, Carrie, what the deuce am I to do? It seems a
nice gun. [_She shrugs her shoulders._] Carrie, what is your Vere to
do? [_She makes no answer, he approaches her and touches her on the
shoulder.'_]Carrie. Carrie, look at your Vere. Vere speaks to you. [_He
sits on her lap, she looks up affectionately._] Carrie, darling, you
know old Jack is such a devil--

MISS DYOTT.

Eh?

QUECKETT.

A nice devil, you know--an exceedingly nice devil. Now I can't show up
at the Club after sending in my resignation--they'd quiz me awfully. But
I must entertain poor old Jack. [_Coaxingly._] Eh? Resignation sent in
through misunderstanding, eh? [_Pinching her cheek._] Ten little ginny.
winnies, eh?

MISS DYOTT.

Not a ginny-winriy! For a Club, not half a ginny-winny!

QUECKETT.

Caroline, you forget what is due to me.

MISS DYOTT.

I wish I could forget what is due to everybody. Don't be cross, Vere.
I'll fetch your hat and coat, and Vere shall go out for his little
morning stroll. And if he promises not to be angry with his Caroline,
there are five shillings to spend. [_She gives him some silver; he looks
up beamingly again._]

QUECKETT.

My darling!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Taking his face between her hands and kissing him._] Um--you spoilt
boy! [_She runs out._]

QUECKETT.

Now what am I to do about Jack? I can't ask him here. Carrie would never
allow it, and if she would I couldn't stand the chaff about marrying a
Boarding School. No, I can't ask Jack here. _Why_ can't I ask Jack here?
Everybody in bed at nine o'clock--square the boy Tyler to wait. Bachelor
lodgings, near Portland Place. Extremely good address. Jack _shall_
give me the details of that eighty-ton gun. Yes--and we'll load it, too.
While I'm out I'll send this wire to Jack.

QUECKETT.

[_Taking a telegraph form from the stationery-cabinet, and writing._]
"Come up to-night, dear old boy. Nine-thirty, sharp. Diggings of humble
bachelor. 80, Duke Street, Portland Place. Bring two or three good
fellows. Vere." How much does that come to? [_Counting the words
rapidly._] One--two--three--four--five--no. [_Getting confused._]
One--two--three--four--five--six--no. One--two--three--four--five--six.
[_Counting to the end._] I think it is one and something half-penny--but
it's all luck under the new regulations. Oh, and I haven't addressed
it! Where's Jack's letter? [_He takes the letter from his pocket. Peggy
enters quietly. Seeing Queckett, she draws back, watching him._]

PEGGY.

[_To herself_] What is he doing now--the Guy Fawkes?

QUECKETT.

[_Referring to the letter._] Ah, "Rovers' Club"! [_Addressing the
telegram._] "John Mallory, Rover's Club." Let me see--that's in Green
Street, Piccadilly. [_Writing._] "Green Street, Piccadilly." Or am I
thinking of the "Stragglers'"? I've a Club list upstairs--I'll go and
look at it. [_Humming an air, he shuts up the telegraph form in the
blotting-book, and rises, still with his back to Peggy._] I feel so
happy! [_He goes out._]

PEGGY.

[_Advances to the blotting-book, carrying some luggage labels._] Miss
Dyott has sent me to address her luggage labels. I am compelled to open
that blotting-book. [_She sits on the chair lately vacated by Queckett,
and opens the blotting-book mischievously with her forefinger and
thumb. Seeing the telegraph form._] Ah! [_Reading it greedily, with
exclamations._] Oh! "Dear old boy!" Oh! "Diggings of humble bachelor!"
Oh! "Bring two or three good fellows!" Oh-oh! [_Sticking the telegraph
form prominently against the stationery cabinet, facing her, and
addressing a luggage label._] "Miss Dyott, passenger to Hereford."

QUECKETT.

[_Re-entering gaily._] It is in Green Street, Piccadilly.

[_He sees Peggy, and stands perplexed, twisting his little moustache._]

PEGGY.

[_Writing solemnly._] "Miss Dyott, passenger to Hereford."

QUECKETT.

[_Coughing anxiously._] H'm! I fancy I left an eighty-ton gun--I mean, I
think I've mislaid a--er-----[_Without looking up, Peggy re-adjusts the
telegraph form against the cabinet._] Oh! H'm! That's it. [_He makes
one or two fidgety attempts to take it, when Peggy rises with it in her
hand. She reads it silently, forming the words with her lips._] Oh, you
vexing girl! What do you think of doing about it? [_She commences to
fold the form very neatly._] You know I sha'n't send it. I never meant to
send it. I say, I shall not send it. [_Nervously holding out his
hand._] Shall I? [_Peggy doubles up the form into another fold without
speaking._] You are a vexing girl.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Calling outside._] Miss Hesslerigge! [_Peggy quietly slips the
telegraph form into her pocket._]

QUECKETT.

Oh! You won't tell my wife? You will not _dare_ to tell my wife!
[_Mildly._] Will you?

MISS DYOTT.

[_Calling again._] Miss Hesslerigge!

QUECKETT.

[_In agony._] Oh! [_Between his teeth._] Do you--do you know any bad
language?

PEGGY.

I went to the Lord Mayor's Show once; I heard a little.

QUECKETT.

Then I regret to say I use it to you, Miss Hesslerigge--I use it to you!
[_Miss Dyott enters, carrying Queckett's hat, gloves and overcoat._]

MISS DYOTT.

You can address the labels in another room, Miss Hesslerigge, please.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] Will she tell?

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] He is in our power!

[Peggy goes out.]

MISS DYOTT.

[_Putting the hat on Queckett's head._] You look sickly, my Vere.

QUECKETT.

I shall be better after my stroll, Caroline. [_A knock and ring are
heard._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_Assisting Queckett with his overcoat._] As you have some solitary
evenings before you, you may lay in a few cigars, Vere darling.

QUECKETT.

Thank you, Carrie.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Helping him to put on his gloves like a child._] But, for the sake
of our depressed native industries, I beg that you will order those of
purely British origin and manufacture. [_Tyler enters carrying a large
common black tea-tray upon which is a solitary visiting-card._] Where's
the salver, you bad boy!

TYLER.

[_Pointing to Queckett sullenly._] 'E slopped his choc'late over it.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Taking the card._] Admiral and Mrs. Rankling--Dinah's parents! I must
see them.

QUECKETT.

[_Hastily turning up his collar to conceal his face._] No, no! They know
me--they are old friends of my family's! [_Tyler shows in Admiral and
Mrs. Rankling. Mrs. Rankling is a thin, weak looking, faded lady, with
a pale face and anxious eyes. She is dressed in too many colours, and
nothing seems to fit very well. Admiral Rankling is a stout, fine old
gentleman with short crisp grey hair and fierce black eyebrows. He
appears to be suffering inwardly from intense anger._]

MISS DYOTT.

My dear Mrs. Rankling. [_The ladies shake hands. Tyler goes out._]

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Pointing to Rankling._] This is Admiral Rankling. [_Miss Dyott bows
ceremoniously. Rankling returns a slight bow and glares at her._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_To Mrs. Rankling._] Pray sit by the fire. [_As the ladies move to the
fire, Queckett, who has been watching his opportunity, creeps round at
the back and goes out._]

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Warming her feet at the fire._] The Admiral has called upon you, Miss
Dyott, with reference to our child, Dinah. [_Rankling, with a smothered
exclamation of rage, sits on the sofa._]

MISS DYOTT.

Whom we find the charming daughter of charming parents. [_Rankling gives
her a fierce look, which frightens Miss Dyott, who is most anxious to
conciliate the Admiral._]

MRS. RANKLING.

Dinah's obstinacy is a very serious shock to the Admiral, who is
naturally unused to insubordination.

MISS DYOTT.

Naturally. [_Rankling glares at her again; she puts her hand to her
heart._]

MRS. RANKLING.

The Admiral has been stationed with his ship at Malta for a long
period--in fact the Admiral has not brightened our home for over four
years.

MISS DYOTT.

How more than delightful to have him with you again! [_Rankling gives
Miss Dyott a fearful look, she clutches her chair._]

MRS. RANKLING.

The Admiral has one of those fine English tempers--generous but
impetuous. You may guess the sad impression Dinah's ingratitude has
produced upon him. It is an open secret that the Admiral made three
wills yesterday, and read King Lear's curse after supper in place of
Thanksgiving.

RANKLING.

[_Sharply._] Emma! [_Starting._] Yes, Archibald.

RANKLING.

Leave the fire--you'll be chilled when we go. Come over here.

MRS. RANKLING.

Yes, Archibald. [_Crossing the room in a flutter, and sitting beside
Rankling, who makes insufficient room for her._]

MRS. RANKLING.

Thank you, Archibald. I have been sitting up with the Admiral all night,
and it is owing to my entreaties that he has consented to give Dinah one
last chance of reconciliation.

RANKLING.

[_Who has been eyeing her._] Emma!

MRS. RANKLING.

Yes, Archibald.

RANKLING.

Your bonnet's on one side again.

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Adjusting it._] Thank you, Archibald. We leave town for the holidays
to-morrow; it rests with Dinah whether she spends Christmas in her
papa's society or not.

RANKLING.

Don't twitch your fingers, Emma--don't twitch your fingers.

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Nervously._] It's a habit, Archibald.

RANKLING.

It's a very bad one.

MRS. RANKLING.

All we require is that Dinah should personally assure us that she has
banished every thought of the foolish young gentleman she met at Mrs.
St. Dunstan's.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Rising and ringing the bell._] If I am any student of the passing
fancies of a young girl's mind--

RANKLING.

Speak louder, ma'am--your voice doesn't travel.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Nervously--with a gulp._] If I am any student of the
passing--fancies--[_Rankling puts his hand to his ear._] Oh, don't make
me so nervous. [_Jane enters looking untidy, her sleeves turned up, and
wiping her hands on her apron._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_Shocked._] Where is the man-servant?

JANE.

On a herring, ma'am.

MISS DYOTT.

Ask Miss Dinah Rankling to be good enough to step downstairs. [_Jane
goes out. Rankling rises, with Mrs. Rankling clinging to his arm._]

MRS. RANKLING.

You will be calm, Archibald--you will be moderate in tone. [_With a
little nervous cough._] Oh, dear! poor Dinah!

RANKLING.

Stop that fidgety cough, Emma. [_Stalking about the room, his wife
following him._]

MRS. RANKLING.

Even love-matches are sometimes very happy. Our was a love-match,
Archibald.

RANKLING.

Be quiet--we're exceptions. [_Pacing up to the door just as it opens,
and Peggy presents herself. Directly Rankling sees Peggy, he catches her
by the shoulders, and gives her a good shaking._]

MISS DYOTT.

Admiral!

MRS. RANKLING.

Archibald!

PEGGY.

[Being shaken.] Oh--oh--oh--oh!

RANKLING.

[Panting, and releasing Peggy.] You good-for-nothing girl! Do you know
you have upset your mother?

MRS. RANKLING.

Archibald, that isn't Dinah!

MISS DYOTT.

That is another young lady.

RANKLING.

[_Aghast._] What--not----Who--who has led me into this unpardonable
error of judgment?

MRS. RANKLING.

[_To Peggy, who is rubbing her shoulders and looking vindictively at
Rankling._] Oh, my dear young lady, pray think of this only as an amusing
mistake. The Admiral has been away for more than four years--Dinah was
but a child when he last saw her. [_Weeping._] Oh, dear me!

RANKLING.

Be quiet, Emma--you'll make a scene. [_To Peggy._] Where is Miss
Rankling?

PEGGY.

Miss Rankling presents her compliments to Miss Dyott, and her love to
her papa and mamma, and, as her mind is quite made up, she would rather
not cause distress by granting an interview. [_Rankling sinks into a
chair._]

MRS. RANKLING.

Archibald!

MISS DYOTT.

[To Peggy.] The port wine! [_Peggy advances with the cake and wine._]

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Kneeling to Rankling._] Archibald, be yourself! Remember, you have to
respond for the Navy at a banquet to-night. Think of your reputation as
a Genial After-dinner Speaker!

RANKLING.

[_Rising with forced calmness._] Thank you, Emma. [_To Miss Dyott._]
Madam, my daughter is in your charge till you receive instructions from
my solicitor. [_Glaring at Peggy._] A short written apology shall be
sent to this young lady in the course of the afternoon. [_To his wife!_]
Emma, your hair's rough--come home. [_He gives Mrs. Rankling his arm.
They go out. Miss Dyott sinks exhausted on sofa. Peggy offers her a
glass of wine._]

MISS DYOTT.

Oh, my goodness! [_Declining the wine._] No, no--not that. It has
been decanted since Midsummer. [_Queckett, his coat collar turned tip,
appears at the door looking back over his shoulder._]

QUECKETT.

What's the matter with the Ranklings? [_Seeing Miss Dyott and Peggy._]
Oh! has that vexing girl told Caroline? [_The clock strikes two._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_To herself!_] Two o'clock--I must remove to Henrietta Street. [_Seeing
Queckett._] My darling.

QUECKETT.

My love. [_To himself_] All right.

MISS DYOTT.

I am going to prepare for my journey--the train leaves Paddington
at three. [_As Miss Dyott goes towards the centre door, Jane enters
carrying about twenty boxes of cigars, which she deposits on the floor
and then goes out._] What is this?

QUECKETT.

H'm! my cigars, Carrie--brought 'em with me in a cab.

MISS DYOTT.

Oh! [_Reading the label of one of the boxes._] "Por Carolina." Ah, poor
Caroline. [_She goes out. Directly she is gone, Peggy and Queckett, by a
simultaneous movement, rush to the two doors and close them._]

QUECKETT.

Now, Miss Hesslerigge!

PEGGY.

Sir.

QUECKETT.

We will come to a distinct understanding.

PEGGY.

If you please.

QUECKETT.

In the first place, you will return me my telegram.

PEGGY.

I can't.

QUECKETT.

You mean you won't.

PEGGY.

No, I can't.

QUECKETT.

Why not?

PEGGY.

I have just sent it to the telegraph office, by Tyler.

QUECKETT.

Despatched it!

PEGGY.

Despatched it--it was one and fourpence.

QUECKETT.

Oh, you--you--you vexing girl! Mr. Mallory will be here to-night.

PEGGY.

Yes--and will "Bring two or three good fellows." At least we hope so.

QUECKETT.

Hope so!

PEGGY.

[_Standing over him with her arms folded._] Listen, Mr. Vere Queckett.
[_He starts._] We ladies are going to give a little party to-night to
celebrate a serious event in the life of one of us. We have invited only
one young gentleman; your friends will be welcome.

QUECKETT.

Oh!

PEGGY.

Without us your party must fail, for we command the servants. Let it be
a compact--your soirée shall be our soirée, and our soirée your soirée.

QUECKETT.

And if I indignantly decline?

PEGGY.

[_Solemnly._] Consider, Mr. Queckett--your Christmas holidays are to
be passed with us. Think in which direction your comfort and freedom
lie--in friendship or in enmity? Even now, Ermyntrude Johnson is
trimming the holly with one of your razors.

QUECKETT.

But what explanation could I give Mr. Mallory of your presence here?

PEGGY.

Every detail has been considered. You are our bachelor uncle.

QUECKETT.

Uncle!

PEGGY.

We are your four nieces.

[_Queckett looks up--is tickled by the idea, and bursts out laughing.
Peggy joins._]

I don't see why that shouldn't be rather jolly.

PEGGY.

[_Roguishly._] D'ye consent?

QUECKETT.

Can't help myself--can I?

PEGGY.

[Delighted] That you can't.

QUECKETT.

Let's be friends, then--shall we? Have you girls got any money?

PEGGY.

No. Have you?

QUECKETT.

No! that is, all mine's invested.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Outside._] Tyler, fetch a cab. [_Queckett makes a bolt from the room,
and Peggy vigorously re-arranges the furniture as Miss Dyott enters,
dressed as if for a journey, and carrying her umbrella and hand-bag
again. _] Where is my husband?

PEGGY.

[_Looking about her._] Your hand-bag, Miss Dyott? [_Queckett
re-enters._]

MISS DYOTT.

Still in your overcoat, dear?

QUECKETT.

Of course, Carrie. I'll drive with you to Paddington.

MISS DYOTT.

No, no--I insist on going alone.

QUECKETT.

[_Taking off his coat with alacrity._] Oh, Carrie, I am disappointed!

[_Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude come through the hall, into the
room, and form a group. Jane enters the hall. Tyler joins her there._]

MISS DYOTT.

Miss Hesslerigge--young ladies. I regret to say I am compelled to--to
quit Volumnia House for a time. The length of my absence depends upon
how long it runs--[_correcting herself in confusion_]--upon how long it
runs to it, to employ a colloquialism of the vulgar. But I depart with
a light heart, because I leave my husband in authority. He will find a
trusty lieutenant in Miss Hesslerigge. Ladies, to abandon for the moment
our mother tongue, _Je vous embrasse de tout mon cour--soyez sages!_

GIRLS.

[_Together._] Au revoir, Mademoiselle Dyott! Bon voyage, Mademoiselle
Dyott! [_Peggy joins the Girls and they talk earnestly. A Cabman is
seen carrying out the boxes from the hall, assisted by Tyler. Miss Dyott
produces some paper packets of money from her hand-bag._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_As she gives the packets to Queckett._] Vere, the house-agent
will apply for the rent--there it is. Our fire insurance expired
yesterday--post the premium to the Eagle Office at once. Jane's wages
are due next week--deduct for the broken water bottle. When you need
exercise, dear one, tidy up the back yard--the recreation ground. A
charwoman assists Jane on Fridays--three quarters of a day, and leaves
before her tea. Good-bye, Vere.

TYLER.

The cab's a-waitin', ma'am. [_Miss Dyott takes Queckett's arm._]

THE GIRLS.

Good-bye, Miss Dyott. [_Miss Dyott and Queckett go out through the hall.
Peggy, Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline run over to the windows and look out.
Dinah sits apart, thinking._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

There they are!

GWENDOLINE.

Miss Dyott's in the cab!

PEGGY.

She's off.

THE THREE.

Hurrah! Hurrah! [_Queckett returns, the Girls surround him
demonstratively._]

PEGGY.

Dinah--young ladies--[_pointing to Queckett_]--Uncle Vere!

ERMYNTRUDE AND GWENDOLINE.

[_Together._] Uncle Vere! Uncle Vere! [_Queckett tries to maintain
his dignity, and pushes the girls from him. Tyler, with Jane, is seen
letting off a squib in the hall._]

END OF THE FIRST ACT.




THE SECOND ACT

_The scene is a plain-looking schoolroom t Miss Dyott's. Outside the two
windows runs a narrow balcony, and beyond are seen the upper stories and
roofs of the opposite houses. There are two doors facing each other. The
room is decorated for the occasion with holly and evergreen, and a table
is laid with supper. Peggy is standing on a chair, with a large hammer
in her hand, nailing up holly._

PEGGY.

[_Surveying her work._] There! I'm sure Miss Dyott wouldn't recognise
the dull old class-rooms. [_Descending._] I think it's time I dressed.
[_Queckett enters slowly; he is in a perfectly fitting evening dress,
with a flower in his button-hole, but looks much depressed. He and Peggy
regard each other for a moment silently._] Oh, I'm so glad you're ready
early! How good it makes one feel, giving pleasure to others--doesn't
it? Aren't you well?

QUECKETT.

Yes--no. I deeply regret plunging into the vortex of these festivities.

PEGGY.

Oh, I suppose you're nervous in society.

QUECKETT.

[_Drawing himself up!_] Nervous in society, Miss Hesslerigge?

PEGGY.

What do you think of the decorations? Artistic, aren't they?

QUECKETT.

A treat at a Sunday School!

PEGGY.

Then you shouldn't have locked up the rooms downstairs.

QUECKETT.

I daren't allow the neighbours to see the house lighted up downstairs. I
wish I could have locked up all you vexing girls.

PEGGY.

That's not the spirit to give a party in! [_Contemplating the table._]
How many do you think your friend, Mr. Mallory, will bring?

QUECKETT.

I don't think Mr. Mallory will find his way here at all. Have you
observed the fog?

PEGGY.

Is it foggy?

QUECKETT.

You can't see your hand before you outside. I sincerely hope my friend
will _not_ come.

PEGGY.

There's hospitality! Ours will.

QUECKETT.

Who _is_ your friend?

PEGGY.

Mr. Paulover.

QUECKETT.

And who the devil is--

PEGGY.

I don't think that's the language for a party, Mr. Queckett!

QUECKETT.

I beg your pardon. Who _is_ Paulover? [_Tyler enters with a bill
in-his hand, with his hair stiffly brushed and greased, and wearing an
expression of intense wonderment._] What's this?

TYLER.

A beautiful large lobster salid is come, sir.

QUECKETT.

[_Looking at Peggy._] I haven't ordered a lobster salad. [_In an
undertone._] You know, this is getting extremely vexing. [_He takes from
his pocket the packets of money previously given him by Miss Dyott._]
I've already paid a bill for some oysters and a _pâté de foie gras_.
Jane's wages went for that. [_Opening a packet._] Now, here's a salad.
That breaks into next week's household expenses. [_Handing the money to
Tyler, who goes out._]

PEGGY.

We're only girls, you know. And you seem to forget you're our uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_Irritably._] I am _not_ your uncle.

PEGGY.

To-night you are. But you needn't be our uncle to-morrow.

QUECKETT.

[_Gloomily._] Somebody will have to be _my_ uncle to-morrow. Then I
understand there's a lark pudding ordered for half-past nine. I can't
allow the account to be sent in to--to--

PEGGY.

To Auntie?

QUECKETT.

Well--to--to Auntie. Who pays for the lark pudding?

PEGGY.

You couldn't well ask girls to do it; besides, it's your party.

QUECKETT.

It is _not_ my party, and it is _your_ lark pudding.

PEGGY.

It may be our lark--but it's your pudding. [_Tyler enters still much
astonished, and with another bill._]

QUECKETT.

[_Taking the bill._] What's that?

TYLER.

Sich a lot of champagne's come, sir!

PEGGY.

Champagne! Who ordered that? I didn't.

QUECKETT.

Hush! I did--I did--I did.

PEGGY.

Then it _is_ your party?

QUECKETT.

Part of the party is my party. [_Opening another packet._] I've broken
into the rent. [_He hands Tyler the bill and some money, pocketing the
remainder. Tyler goes out._] The Fire Insurance alone remains intact.
[_Opening the last packet._] Postal Orders for thirty shillings. I'll
despatch that, at any rate. [_He sits at the writing-table and begins
to write. Peggy hammers up the last piece of holly, as Queckett tries to
write._] Oh, you vexing girl!

PEGGY.

Beg pardon; this is the last blow. [_She gives another knock as Jane
enters, carrying a large ornamental wedding-cake. Jane is in a black
gown and smart cap and apron; her eyes are wide open with pleasure
and astonishment. Jane deposits the cake upon the writing-table before
Queckett._]

JANE.

'Scuse me, sir; the confectioner's jest brought the things.

QUECKETT.

What's that? _That_ isn't the lark pudding.

JANE.

Oh, lor', no, sir! [_She goes out._]

PEGGY.

Oh, that's the wedding-cake.

QUECKETT.

Oh, come--it isn't my wedding-cake.

PEGGY.

[_Laughing._] Oh, don't, you funny man! No, it's Mr. Paulover's.

QUECKETT.

Who the dev--

PEGGY.

Hush!

QUECKETT.

Let's settle one thing at a time. Who is Paulover?

PEGGY.

Dear Dinah's husband.

QUECKETT.

Dear Dinah?

PEGGY.

Your niece--Dinah Rankling.

QUECKETT. Married?

PEGGY.

Secretly. To Mr. Paulover. [_Queckett puts his hand to his brow._]

QUECKETT.

Oh, that's old Paulover, is it?

PEGGY.

_Young_ Paulover. They were married really three weeks ago, but
without any breakfast--I don't mean a bacon breakfast, I mean a proper
breakfast. But we girls think they ought to have a wedding-cake and
everything complete to start them in life together: and that's why
you're giving this party, you know.

QUECKETT.

Now, understand me, I will not be dragged into such a conspiracy!

PEGGY.

But you're in it.

QUECKETT.

The Ranklings are acquaintances of mine, almost relatives; Admiral
Rankling's cousin married the sister of the man who bought my brother's
horses. [_Rubbing his hands together._] I wash my hands of all you
vexing girls.

PEGGY.

Don't fret about it, please. Nothing can ever make Mrs. Paulover Miss
Rankling again. I'll go and dress while you finish your letter.

QUECKETT.

[_Impatiently._] Oh! [He resumes writing at the table.]

PEGGY.

[_Going to the door._] The girls will be here directly. Be nice, won't
you? [_She goes out. Jane enters with tarts and confectionery on dishes
which she places on the table before Queckett._]

JANE.

S'cuse me, sir. [_Queckett rises with his letter and the inkstand, and
goes impatiently over to the other side of the room, where he continues
writing on the top of piano._]

QUECKETT.

They won't let me write to the Insurance Office. [_Tyler enters with
some boxes of bon-bons. The writing table being crowded Jane waves him
over to the piano and goes out. Tyler puts the bon-bons on the top of
the piano before Queckett, who snatches up his letter and the inkstand
again and goes to the centre table._]

QUECKETT.

I will write to the Insurance Office. [_Tyler goes out as Jane
re-enters._]

JANE.

[_Presenting a bill._] The pastrycook's bill, sir.

QUECKETT.

Great Scot! [_Diving his hand into his pocket, bringing out some loose
money and giving it to Jane._] There! [_Jane goes out._] I've written
to the Insurance Office. [_Sealing the letter._] My mind's easy--done
my duty to poor Caroline. [_He puts the letter in his breast pocket as
Tyler enters._]

TYLER.

[_More astonished than ever, announcing._] Miss Gwendoline Hawkins.
[_Gwendoline enters, dressed in a simple and pretty party-dress. Tyler
goes out._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_Bashfully, seeing nobody but Queckett._] Oh, I'm first; I shall come
back again. [_She is going._]

QUECKETT.

Come in--come in. How d'ye do. [_Gwendoline advances. Queckett shakes
hands with her._] Delighted to see you--so glad you've come--won't you
sit down? [_To himself with satisfaction._] Illustrations of Deportment
and the Restrictions of Society--Vere Queckett. Carrie would be
delighted. [_Tyler re-enters, still more astonished._]

TYLER.

Miss Hermyntrude Johnson, and--and--and Mrs. Reginald Paulover!

QUECKETT.

This is a little too vexing! [_Ermyntrude and Dinah enter, both prettily
dressed--Dinah in white. Tyler goes out. Angrily._] How d'ye do--so glad
you've come--won't you sit down?

DINAH

We're very well, thank you.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Awfully well. [_They sit, the three girls in a row. Dinah in the centre,
Gwendoline and Ermyntrude taking her hands._]

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] Instructions in Polite Conversation. [_Brusquely to
Dinah._] How is Paulover?

DINAH.

I think he's very well, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] Carrie would be pleased. [_To the girls._] H'm! I
suppose you young ladies distinctly understand that I occupy a painfully
false position this evening?

DINAH.

I am sure it is very, very kind of you to give this party.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself_] Well, now, that's exceedingly appropriate, the way in
which that is put. Carrie really does do her duty to the parents of
these girls.

GWENDOLINE.

Peggy says you insist on our calling you Uncle.

QUECKETT.

Does she? [_To himself_]. Peggy is the one I've turned against.

ERMYNTRUDE.

We think you'll be an awfully jolly uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_Pleased._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_To himself._] I begin to like helping
Carrie with the pupils. [_Peggy enters. She is quaintly but untidily
dressed in poor, much worn, and old-fashioned finery. In her hand she
carries a pair of soiled, long white gloves._] Hallo! [_Without speaking
a word, Peggy hurries across the room and goes out._] What is the matter
with that vexing girl now? [_Peggy re-enters with Tyler, pushing him
forward._]

TYLER.

[_Announcing._] Miss Margaret Hesslerigge. [_Peggy advances to Queckett,
holding out her hand._]

PEGGY.

How do you do?

QUECKETT.

[_Savagely._] How d'ye do--delighted to see you--for goodness' sake,
sit down! [_He turns away to the fire. The three girls rise to greet
Peggy._]

Dinah.

[_Anxiously.'_] I don't think it's nearly half-past nine yet.

PEGGY.

[_Rather proudly, produces a huge, old-fashioned watch._] Twenty to ten.

DINAH.

I thought it was. [_Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude run to one window,
pull aside the blind, and look out. Peggy goes to the other window,
pulls up the blind and opens the window._]

QUECKETT.

What are you doing?

PEGGY.

I can just see him, under his lamp-post.

DINAH.

The fog will hurt him.

PEGGY.

Hush! I told him we'd whistle twice.

DINAH.

Do it!

PEGGY.

[_Peggy makes two or three ineffectual attempts to whistle._] Girls,
it's ominous--my whistle has left me. [_ To Queckett, taking his arm._]
Come and whistle!

QUECKETT.

No--no.

PEGGY.

[_Leading Queckett to the open window._] Whistle, or you'll catch cold.
[_Queckett whistles twice, desperately, then returns to the fireplace,
annoyed._] He's heard it. [_She closes the window and pulls down the
blind._] Now, listen. [_To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude._] You two girls
count five.

GWENDOLINE.

One.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Two.

DINAH.

Oh, how slowly you count!

GWENDOLINE.

Three.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Four.

DINAH.

[_Clasping her hands._] Five! [_There is a distant ring at the bell;
with a little cry Dinah runs out. Peggy begins to put her gloves on.
Ermyntrude and Gwendoline go to the door, open it, and listen._] [_To
Queckett._] Thank you for whistling. I shall never make a "Whistling
woman," shall I?

QUECKETT.

A wide knowledge of humanity, in its highest and lowest grades, Miss
Hesslerigge, does not enable me even to conjecture the possibilities of
your future.

PEGGY.

No compliments, please. Thank you. [_She holds out her gloved hand for
him to button the glove. After a look of astonishment he complies._] You
know my idea about my future, don't you?

QUECKETT.

No.

PEGGY.

That I only need one essential to become a Duchess.

QUECKETT.

What is that?

PEGGY.

A Duke.

GWENDOLINE.

They're coming upstairs!

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Now you'll see Mr. Paulover. Oh, I do hope he'll take
to you!

QUECKETT.

Well, really, I'm--[_He walks angrily away as Dinah enters with
Reginald Paulover, a good-looking lad, rather sheepish when in repose,
but fiery and demonstrative when out of temper. He is in evening dress,
overcoat, and muffler, and wears a respirator, which he removes on
entering._]

DINAH.

[_Introducing the three girls._] Reggie, these are my three dear
friends--Miss Hawkins--Miss Johnson--

REGINALD.

[_Bowing._] Awfully pleased to meet you.

DINAH.

And Miss Hesslerigge.

[_Peggy advances and shakes hands with Reginald._]

REGINALD.

Thank you very much for being so kind to--my wife.

ERMENTRUDE.

[_To Gwendoline, disappointed._] No whiskers or moustache! Oh!

PEGGY.

[_To Reginald._] Had you been waiting long?

REGINALD.

Ten minutes. I was jolly glad to hear my wife's dear little whistle. I
should know it from a thousand.

PEGGY.

H'm! Dinah dear, make Mr. Paulover and Mr. Queckett known to each other.
[_Queckett comes forward with a disagreeable look. Reginald glares at
him._]

DINAH.

[_Timidly._] Reggie dear, this is Mr. Queckett. [_Queckett bows stiffly.
Reginald nods angrily._]

REGINALD.

[_To Dinah._] Dinah, what is a man doing here? You know I can't bear you
to talk to a man.

DINAH.

Oh, Reggie, why are you always so jealous?

PEGGY.

Mr. Queckett is giving the party.

REGINALD.

What party?

PEGGY.

Your wedding party.

REGINALD.

Is he! [_To Queckett, angrily._] I'm much obliged to Mr. Queckett.

PEGGY.

[_Pacifying Reginald._] Mr. Queckett is so nice--he calls himself
Dinah's uncle.

REGINALD.

Does he! Then it's a liberty--that's all I can say.

QUECKETT.

Do you know you're in my house, sir?

REGINALD.

I'm not in your house, sir! Come away, Dinah!

PEGGY.

Hush! Mr. Queckett is Miss Dyott's--

QUECKETT.

Be quiet--mind your own buiness.

REGINALD.

[_To Queckett._] At any rate it's my business sir.

QUECKETT.

I'm afraid you're a cub, sir.

REGINALD.

What!

DINAH.

Oh, Reggie, don't! [_A loud knock and ring are heard._]

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Your friend.

REGINALD.

Whose friend?

QUECKETT.

My friend.

REGINALD.

Another man, I suppose--Dinah!

PEGGY.

Ladies, do explain everything to Mr. Paulover. [_Dinah seizes Reginald's
arm. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude gather round them, Reginald protesting._]

REGINALD.

[_Handing his card as he passes Queckett._] My card, sir.

QUECKETT.

Pooh, sir! [_Throwing the card in the fire. The three girls hurry
Reginald out of the room._]

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] I'm so sorry--he hasn't taken to you.

QUECKETT.

He needn't trouble himself! Upon my soul, this is going to be a nice
party!

TYLER.

[_Tyler enters._]

Three gentlemen, sir: I was to say the name of Mallory.

QUECKETT.

Three gentlemen!

PEGGY.

[_Delighted, to Queckett._] Oh, he's brought some good fellows!
[_Reckoning on her fingers,_] That's one for Ermyntrude--and one for
me--and one for--

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Be quiet. [_To Tyler._] I'll come down.

MALLORY.

[_Outside._] Queckett!

QUECKETT.

Yes, Jack! [_Jack Mallory enters. He is a good-looking, jovial fellow
of about thirty-six, with a bronzed face. He is in evening dress and
overcoat. Tyler goes out._]

MALLORY.

[_Shaking hands heartily with Queckett._] Ah, Queckett--dear old
chap--well, I am glad to see you.

QUECKETT.

How are you, Jack?

MALLORY.

Quaint diggings you have up here. The hanging committee have shied you,
though, haven't they? [_Seeing Peggy._] I beg your pardon.

QUECKETT.

[_Confused._] Oh--ah--yes. I didn't mention it. I have my--my--nieces
spending Christmas with me.

MALLORY.

[_Bowing to Peggy._] Delighted. [_To Queckett._] Did you say niece or
nieces?

QUECKETT.

Nieces. [_Softly to Peggy, quickly._] How many? I forget.

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Three.

QUECKETT.

Three.

PEGGY.

Three, not counting me.

QUECKETT.

Three, not counting me. I mean three, not counting that vexing
girl--Peggy--Margaret.

MALLORY.

[_Bowing._] It would be impossible not to count Miss--Margaret.

PEGGY.

[_Simpering._] Oh! [_Queckett assists Mallory to take off his overcoat,
first darting an angry look at Peggy._]

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] I shall give Gwendoline and Ermyntrude the two that are
downstairs.

QUECKETT.

H'm! You're not alone, are you, Jack? Mallory. No--they're coming up.

QUECKETT.

[_ Grimly._] Are they?

MALLORY.

The old gentleman takes his time with the stairs.

QUECKETT.

[_ With forced ease._] Poor old gentleman! Who the deuce--!

MALLORY.

The fact is, there's been a big Navy dinner tonight at the Whitehall
Rooms. The enthusiasm became rather forced--Britannia rules the waves,
and all that sort of thing--so I gladly thought of finishing up with
you. I've brought my nephew--hallo, here he is. [_Mr. Saunders enters.
He is a pretty boy, almost a child, in the uniform of a naval cadet._]
My nephew--Horatio Nelson Drake Saunders, of the Training Ship
"Dexterous."

SAUNDERS.

[_ With the airs of a little man, but in a treble voice._] How do you
do? Awfully pleased to come here.

QUECKETT.

Glad to see you, Mr. Saunders.

MALLORY.

[_Laughing, to Saunders._] I say, you shouldn't have left the old
gentleman.

SAUNDERS.

[_Laughing._] He sent me up to count how many more stairs there were.

QUECKETT.

[_Impatiently._] Jack, I don't put the question on theological grounds,
but who is the old gentleman?

MALLORY.

Oh, I beg your pardon--and his. We persuaded an old acquaintance of
yours to join us--Admiral Rankling.

QUECKETT.

[_Aghast._] What!

MALLORY.

Do you mind?

QUECKETT.

Mind!

RANKLING.

[_Outside.'_] Mr. Saunders!

SAUNDERS.

Here, sir.

[_Peggy makes a bolt out of the room. Saunders goes to the door, and
returns with Rankling. Rankling is in evening dress, overcoat, and
muffler, and is much out if breath._]

RANKLING.

Ah, Mr. Queckett, how do you do? We haven't met anywhere lately; I've
been away, you know.

QUECKETT.

I am delighted to renew our acquaintance, Admiral Rankling.

RANKLING.

[_Puffing._] Mr. Mallory suggested that we should smoke our last cigar
at your lodgings. I can't stay, for I've a long distance to drive home.
At least, I suppose I have, for I really don't know quite where we are.
What quarter of London have you brought me to, Mr. Mallory? Oh, thank
ye! [_He turns to Saunders, who is offering to remove his overcoat. The
door is slightly opened, and the heads of all the girls are seen. _]

QUECKETT.

[_Hastily to Mallory._] He doesn't know where he is!

MALLORY.

The fog's as thick as a board outside.

QUECKETT.

He isn't aware he lives a hundred and fifty yards off!

MALLORY.

No--does he?

QUECKETT.

Hush, don't tell him! Jack, don't tell him! I'll explain why by-and-by.

[_Queckett turns to assist Saunders who, mounted on a chair, is
struggling ineffectually to relieve Rankling of his overcoat._]

RANKLING.

Thank ye--bits o' boys, bits o' boys.

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] There's a wild look about poor Queckett I don't like.
It's his lonely bachelor life, I suppose. Curious place too--he used to
be such a swell in the Albany. [_Looking about him. The door shuts and
the heads disappear._]

RANKLING.

[_To Queckett._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_Panting._] Ouf! [_Rankling sits
down, and Mallory talks to him. Saunders has seated himself on the sofa
and is dozing off, quite tired out. _]

QUECKETT.

Oh, what a party! [_ The door opens, and Peggy's head appears._]

PEGGY.

[_Hurriedly to Queckett._] Who'd have thought of this?

QUECKETT.

It might be worse--he doesn't recognise the house he is in.

PEGGY.

Doesn't he?

QUECKETT.

Get rid of his daughter and that horrid Paulover.

PEGGY.

Certainly not; I know he won't recognise his daughter.

QUECKETT.

Won't recognise his own dau--you'll drive me mad! [_They continue to
talk in undertones. Saunders is now fast asleep._]

RANKLING.

[_To Mallory._] No--I don't like the look of poor Queckett.

MALLORY.

He seems altered.

RANKLING.

Altered--he glares like the devil. He's not married, is he?

MALLORY.

No.

RANKLING.

Then, what does he mean by it? Queer rooms too. [_Catching sight of the
wedding-cake on the table._] Lord, look there!

MALLORY.

[_Looking at the cake._] Hallo!

RANKLING.

Why, it's like the thing we had at my wedding breakfast. Phew! I shall
go.

MALLORY.

No, no! The fact is poor old Queckett has some nieces staying with him.

RANKLING.

Nieces?

MALLORY.

Four of 'em. I've seen one, and I fancy by the look of her mischievous
little face, that they're too much for him.

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Leave everything to me. Don't spoil the party, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

Dash the party! [_Peggy retiring hastily, the door bangs, at which
Rankling and Mallory look round._]

RANKLING.

Oh, Queckett, where are your nieces?

QUECKETT.

Nieces--nieces? Oh, they retire at eight o'clock. Early to bed, early
to rise--[_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter, visibly pushed on by
Peggy._]

RANKLING.

[_Rising._] Um, this doesn't look like early to bed.

QUECKETT.

[_ Weakly._] Just got up, I suppose. Gwendoline--Ermyntrude--my
dears--Admiral Rankling--Mr. Mallory--[_Looking about for Saunders._]
Mr.--Mr.--Oh, Mr. Saunders is asleep! [_Ermyntrude and Gwendoline
advance to Rankling._]

RANKLING.

[_To the girls._] How do you do? And whose daughters are you?
[_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude look frightened, and shake their heads._]

QUECKETT.

Oh, these are my sister Isabel's girls.

RANKLING.

Why, all your sister Isabel's children were boys.

QUECKETT.

Were boys, yes.

RANKLING.

[_Irritably._] Are boys, sir.

QUECKETT.

Are men, now. H'm! I should have said these are my sister Janet's
children.

RANKLING.

Oh! I've never heard of your sister Janet.

QUECKETT.

No--quiet, retiring girl, Janet.

RANKLING.

Well then, whom did Janet marry?

QUECKETT.

Whom didn't Janet marry? I mean, whom did Jane marry? Why, Finch Griffin
of the Berkshire Royals!

RANKLING.

Dear me, we're going to meet Major Griffin and his wife on Christmas Day
at the Trotwells'.

QUECKETT.

Are you? [_To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude._] Go away. [_Peggy enters._]
Oh--ahem! This is Margaret--Peggy.

RANKLING.

Oh--another of Mrs. Griffin's.

QUECKETT.

Yes, yes!

RANKLING.

Large family.

QUECKETT.

Rapid--two a year.

RANKLING.

[_Eyeing Peggy._] Why, we've met before to-day!

PEGGY.

Eh--where?

RANKLING.

At a miserable school near my house in Portland Place.

PEGGY.

Oh, yes. Our holidays began this afternoon.

RANKLING.

Why, Queckett, my daughter Dinah and Miss Griffin are school-fellows!

QUECKETT.

No!

RANKLING.

Yes!

QUECKETT.

No!

RANKLING.

Yes, sir.

QUECKETT.

How small the world is!

RANKLING.

Do you happen to know anything about the person who keeps that school?
What's the woman's name--Miss--Miss--?

QUECKETT.

Miss--Miss--Miss--

PEGGY.

Miss Dyott. Oh, yes, Uncle knows her to speak to.

RANKLING.

What about her, Queckett?

QUECKETT.

[_Looking vindictively at Peggy._] Er--um--rather not hazard an opinion.
[_He hastily joins Mallory, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude._]

RANKLING.

[_Confidentially to Peggy._] Er--um--my dear Miss Griffin, did you
receive a short but ample apology from me this afternoon--addressed, "To
the young lady who was shaken"?

PEGGY.

Yes; and oh! I shall always prize it!

RANKLING.

No, no, don't! You haven't bothered your Uncle about it, have you, dear?

PEGGY.

No--not yet.

RANKLING.

I shouldn't, then, I shouldn't. He seems worried enough. Shall I take
you and your sisters to see the pantomime?

PEGGY.

Yes--please.

RANKLING.

Then you'd better give me back that apology.

PEGGY.

Oh, no--you'd use it again.

RANKLING.

One--two--three. Mr. Mallory says you have four nieces with you, Mr.
Queckett.

QUECKETT.

Ah, but Jack's been dining, you know. I beg your pardon, Jack.

PEGGY.

Oh, yes, there is one more. Mrs.--Mrs.--Parkinson is here with her
husband.

QUECKETT.

H'm! my brother Tankerville's eldest girl.

RANKLING.

I've never heard of your brother Tankerville!

QUECKETT.

No--he's Deputy Inspector of Prisons in British Guiana. Quiet, retiring
chap.

PEGGY.

I'll go and fetch them. [_She runs out._]

QUECKETT.

[_To Rankling._] To make a clean breast of it, the girls have been
preparing a little festival to-night in honor of Mr. and Mrs.--Mr. and
Mrs.--the name Peggy mentioned. My niece was married, very quietly,
some weeks ago to a charming young fellow--a charming young fellow--and
these foolish children insist on cutting a wedding-cake and all that
sort of nonsense. I didn't want to disturb you with their chatter--

RANKLING.

You forget, Queckett, you are speaking to a father.

QUECKETT.

No--I don't, indeed. [_Peggy re-enters, followed by Reginald and
Dinah._]

PEGGY.

My cousin and Mr. Parkinson.

RANKLING.

How do you--[_Staring._] What an extraordinary likeness to my brother
Ned! [_Taking her hand slowly, still looking at her._] And how do you
do?

DINAH.

[_Palpitating._] Thank you, I am very well.

RANKLING.

Do you know, your voice is exceedingly like my sister Rachel's!

REGINALD.

[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Rankling._] I am sorry to
differ--I think my wife resembles no one but herself.

RANKLING.

[_Hotly _] I beg your pardon, sir.

REGINALD.

[_Hotly_] Pray, don't.

RANKLING.

[_To himself _] That's not a charming young fellow!

PEGGY.

[_Presenting Mallory to Dinah._] Mr. Mallory.

MALLORY.

[_Gallantly, to Dinah._] I am delighted to have the opportunity of
congratulating my old friend's niece upon her recent marriage. [_Taking
her hand._] I think myself especially fortunate in being present
on such--

REGINALD.

[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Mallory, and giving Dinah his
arm._] How do you do, sir?

MALLORY.

Mr. Mallory--Mr. Parkinson. [_ They bow abruptly, glaring at each
other._]

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] Is that a charming young fellow? [_Dinah expostulates in
undertones with Reginald; he answering with violent gestures and glaring
at Rankling, who mutters comments on Dinah's resemblance to various
members of his family. Peggy endeavours to pacify Mallory who is
evidently annoyed, and altogether there is much hubbub, with signs of
general ill-feeling._]

QUECKETT.

[_Sinking back in his chair._] Oh, what a party! [_Jane enters._]

JANE.

[_Quietly to Queckett._] The pudding is in the arey, sir, waiting to be
paid.

QUECKETT.

I'll come to it. [_Jane goes out. To Peggy._] Margaret, show Admiral
Rankling and Mr. Mallory where the cigarettes are--they may like--[_To
himself_] Years are going off my life! [_He goes out._]

PEGGY.

[_ To Mallory._] May I take you to the cigarettes?

MALLORY.

[_To Peggy._] You may take me anywhere.

PEGGY.

[_Bashfully._] Oh! [_To Rankling._] The cigarettes are in the next room,
Admiral Rankling.

RANKLING.

[_Not hearing Peggy, but still eyeing Dinah._] That girl has a look
of Emma's sister Susan. [_Peggy and Mallory go out. Reginald seeing
Rankling is still looking at Dinah, abruptly takes her over to the door,
glaring at Rankling as he passes._]

REGINALD.

[_To Dinah, fiercely._] Come away, Dinah!

DINAH.

[_To Reginald, tearfully._] Oh, Reggie, dear Reggie, you are so
different when people are not present. [_They go out. Rankling watches
them through the doorway. Gwendoline has meanwhile seated herself
beside Saunders, whose head has gradually fallen till it rests upon her
shoulder. She is now sitting quite still, looking down upon the boy's
face._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Watching them enviously._] Well, considering that Mr. Saunders was
introduced to us asleep, I don't think Gwendoline's behaviour is _coînme
il faut!_ [_She bumps gently against Rankling._] Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Looking at Ermyntrude, rather dazed._] My dear, I am quite glad to see
somebody who isn't like any of my relations. Come along. [_They go out.
Saunders moves dreamily and murmurs._]

SAUNDERS.

[_Waking._] All right, ma dear--I'll come down directly. [_He raises
his head and kisses Gwendoline, then opens his eyes, and looks at her,
startled._] Oh, I've been dreaming about my ma! I--I don't know you, do
I?

GWENDOLINE.

It doesn't matter, Mr. Saunders. You've had such a good sleep. [_She
kisses his forehead gently._]

SAUNDERS.

Oh, that's just like my ma! Where are the others?

GWENDOLINE.

[_Arranging his curls upon his forehead._] I'll take you to them.

SAUNDERS.

Thank you. What's your name?

GWENDOLINE.

Gwendoline.

SAUNDERS.

Gwen's short for that, isn't it? [_Rubbing his eyes with his fists, then
offering her his arm._] Permit me, Gwen. [_They go out. Queckett, his
hair disarranged, his appearance generally wild, immediately enters,
followed by Jane and Tyler._]

QUECKETT.

I can't help it! I am in the hands of fate. Arrange the table. I cannot
help it! [_Tyler and Jane proceed to arrange the table and the seats for
supper. Peggy enters quietly._]

PEGGY.

It is supper time. Oh, what's the matter, Uncle Vere?

QUECKETT.

Well, in the first place, there are no oysters.

PEGGY.

I've seen them!

QUECKETT.

I've gone further--I've tasted them.

PEGGY.

Bad!

QUECKETT.

Well, I should describe them as Inland oysters. A long time since they
had a fortnight at the seaside.

PEGGY.

Oh, dear! Then we must fall back on the lark pudding.

QUECKETT.

You'll injure yourself seriously if you do.

PEGGY.

Tell me everything. It has not come small?

QUECKETT.

It has come ridiculously small.

PEGGY.

It was ordered for eight persons.

QUECKETT.

Then it is architecturally disproportionate.

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] Something must be done. [_She runs to the writing-table
and begins to write rapidly on three half sheets of paper, folding
each into a three-cornered note as she finishes it._] The girls must
be warned. [_ Writing._] "For goodness' sake, don't taste the pudding."
Poor girls--what an end to a happy day! [_To himself._] Oh, if the
members of my family could see me at this moment! I, whose suppers in
the Albany were at one time a proverb! Oh, Caroline, Caroline, even you
little know the sacrifice I have made for you!

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett, handing him the notes._] Quick, please, quick--give them
these notes.

QUECKETT.

[_Taking the notes._] What for?

PEGGY.

Oh, don't ask; you will see the result.

QUECKETT.

But you mustn't write to people you--!

PEGGY.

[_Angrily._] Go away! [_He hurries out. Peggy wipes her eyes. _]

JANE.

Oh, don't be upset, Miss!

PEGGY.

No, I won't, I won't. But I am only a girl, and the responsibility
is very great for such young shoulders. [_There is a murmur of voices
outside. Jane and Tyler go out as Rankling enters with Ermyntrude,
followed by Reggie with Dinah. Reginald is endeavouring to keep her away
from Mallory, who comes after them. Saunders and Gwendoline follow
next, and Queckett brings up the rear. There is much talking as Queckett
indicates the seats they are to occupy._]

PEGGY.

[_Quietly to Queckett._] Did you give the girls the notes?

QUECKETT.

[_Surprised. _] No.

PEGGY.

Oh! Never mind--I'll whisper to them now. [_She whispers hurriedly to
Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude._]

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] didn't understand they were for the girls. [_He goes to
the head of the table as Rankling, Mallory, and Saunders come suddenly
together, each carrying a note._]

RANKLING.

[_To Mallory._] Mallory, we were right--there is some horrible mystery
about Queckett. [_Looking to see they are not observed._] I've had an
anonymous warning. "For heaven's sake, don't touch the pud--pudding."

MALLORY.

I know.

RANKLING.

Tell the boy. [_To Saunders._]

MALLORY.

I say--don't you say yes to Saunders.

MALLORY.

I know. Tell the old gentleman. [_To Saunders._] He knows. [_To
Rankling._] He knows. [_ With a simultaneous gesture they pocket the
notes and go to find their seats at table. They all sit. The lobster
salad and the pâté have been placed by Tyler at the end of the table.
Tyler now enters carrying nine large plates which he places before
Queckett._]

QUECKETT.

[_ With assumed composure and good spirits. _] There is a spontaneity
about our jolly little supper which will perhaps, ah'm! atone for any
absence of elaboration.

RANKLING.

Don't name it, Mr. Queckett.

MALLORY.

Just as it should be, my dear fellow. [_Tyler goes out._]

QUECKETT.

The language of the heart is simplicity. Our little supper is from the
heart.

MALLORY.

Ah, I shall never forget your little suppers in the Albany--where were
they from?

QUECKETT.

Gunters', Jack. [_With a groan._] Oh! [_ Jane, at the door, hands to
Tyler a very small pudding in a silver basin, which he places before
Queckett._]

RANKLING, MALLORY, AND SAUNDERS.

[_To themselves._] The pudding! [_They exhibit great eagerness to get a
view of the pudding. _]

PEGGY.

[_Behind Mallory's bach._] Oh, how shameful it looks!

QUECKETT.

[_Falteringly._] Here is a homely little dish which has fascinations
for many, though I never touch it myself--I never touch it myself.
[_Rankling, Mallory and Saunders exchange significant looks._] Ah'm! A
pudding made of larks. [_He glances round, all look down, there is deep
silence._] A pudding--made--of larks. [_To Dinah._] My dear--a very
little?

DINAH.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

Perhaps you're right. Gwendoline, a suggestion?

GWENDOLINE.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Margaret, I know what your digestion is--I won't tempt
you. [_To Ermyntrude._] Ermyntrude--the least in the world?

ERMYNTRUDE.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] Ah! How lucky!

PEGGY.

[_To herself!_] Brave girls; I was afraid they'd falter.

QUECKETT.

[_Heartily.'_] Now then--Admiral Rankling?

RANKLING.

No, thank you. No pudding? I haven't long dined, thank you, Queckett.

QUECKETT.

[_ To Reginald--coldly._] May I?

REGINALD.

[_Distantly.'_] I never eat suppers, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_To Saunders._] My dear Mr. Saunders?

SAUNDERS.

No, Mr. Queckett, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_Getting desperate--to Mallory._] Jack--a lark?

MALLORY.

No, thanks, old fellow.

QUECKETT.

Well, I--[_Throwing down his knife and spoon, and leaning back in his
chair. To Tyler._] Take it away! [_Tyler removes the pudding; they all
watch its going._]

TYLER.

[_Handing it to Jane._] Keep it warm, Jane.

JACK.

A lobster salad and a small pâté de foie gras are at your end of the
table.

MALLORY.

[_Looking round.'_] May I? [_There is a general reply of "No, thank
you," expressed in symbols by the ladies._]

PEGGY.

[_ To herself _] Poor girls, what sacrifices they make for these men!

MALLORY.

[_ With a plate in his hand._] May I--?

RANKLING, SAUNDERS, AND REGINALD.

[_Together._] No, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself_] What a supper party! Tyler, the champagne. [_Tyler
fetches a bottle of champagne, and proceeds to open it._]

RANKLING.

[_Behind Ermyntrude and Peggy, to Mallory._] If we see the cork drawn,
shall we risk it?

MALLORY.

[_To Rankling._] Risk it.

RANKLING.

Risk it. [_Reginald has risen from the table and is seen tapping
Saunders upon the shoulder and speaking to him rapidly and excitedly._]

SAUNDERS.

No, I have not! [_Talking together, Reginald and Saunders go out
hurriedly._]

MALLORY.

What's the matter with that charming young fellow now? [_To the table._]
Excuse me. [_He follows them out._]

DINAH.

[_Tearfully to Gwendoline._] Reginald's jealousy gets worse and worse. I
am sure it will cloud our future.

GWENDOLINE.

[_To Dinah._] Mr. Saunders wasn't looking at you, I am positive. The
poor little fellow was stroking my hand. [_Mallory returns with Saunders
and Reginald, who both look excited, and their hair is disarranged._]

REGINALD.

[_To Mallory and Saunders._] I beg your pardon; I may have been
mistaken. I imagined that Mr. Saunders was regarding my wife in a way
which overstepped the borders of ordinary admiration. [_They hastily
shake hands all around and hurry back to their seats. Tyler has poured
out the champagne, and now departs. Admiral Rankling rises. Queckett
taps the table for silence._]

QUECKETT.

Please--please.

RANKLING.

Ah'm!

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] I thought the old gentleman wouldn't resist the
temptation.

RANKLING.

My dear Mr. Queckett, it would ill become an old man--himself the
father of a daughter, nearly, if not quite, of the age of the young
lady opposite me--to lose an opportunity of saying a few words on the
pleasant, the--the extremely pleasant--condition of the British Naval
Forces--ah'm! no--

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] I knew that would happen.

RANKLING.

Pardon me, I have been speaking on other subjects to-night. I should
say, the extremely pleasant occasion which brings us together.

QUECKETT.

Certainly, my dear Rankling, how nice of you!

RANKLING.

Not only am I the commander--the father--of a ship--of a daughter whom
it is my ambition to see happily wedded to the man of her choice--

PEGGY.

Hear, hear!

QUECKETT.

[_In an undertone, glaring at her._] You vexing girl.

RANKLING.

But I am also the husband of a heavily plated cruiser--er--um--h'm! of a
dear lady to whose affection and society I owe the greatest happiness of
my life.

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] How different some gentlemen are when their wives are
not present.

RANKLING.

If I have the regret of knowing that my acquaintance with Mrs.--Mrs.--

PEGGY.

Parkinson.

RANKLING.

Thank you, I know--Parkinson--has begun only to-night, I have also the
pleasure of inaugurating a friendship with that delightful young lady,
which on my side shall be little less than paternal. I--I--I--

MALLORY.

Oh, gracious!

RANKLING.

I--I cannot sit down--

MALLORY.

[_ Wearily._] Why not!

RANKLING.

I will not sit down without adding a word of congratulation to Mr.--Mr.
--

PEGGY.

Parkinson.

RANKLING.

Thank you, I know--Parkinson--the young gentleman whose ingenious
construction and seagoing qualities--

MALLORY.

No--no.

RANKLING.

Er--um--whose amiability and genial demeanour have so favourably
impressed us. As an old married man I welcome this recruit to the
service.

PEGGY.

Hear, hear.

RANKLING.

It is one of hardship and danger--of stiff breezes and dismal night
watches. But it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten--

MALLORY.

No, no.

RANKLING.

Yes, sir--it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten that
they occasionally find conjugal happiness. I ask you all to drink to the
Navy--to Mr. and Mrs.--thank you, I know--Jenkinson.

[_All except Dinah and Reginald rise and drink the toast "Mr. and Mrs.
Parkinson," then as they resume their seats, Reginald rises sulkily._]

REGINALD.

Admiral Rankling.

[_Jane appears at the door, wildly beckoning to Queckett._]

JANE.

[_In a whisper._] Sir--Sir--!

QUECKETT.

[_Angrily._] Not now--not now--go away.

THE GIRLS.

Hush! [_The Girls motion Jane away; she retires._]

QUECKETT.

[_To Reginald._] I beg pardon.

REGINALD.

All I have to say is that the highest estimation Admiral Rankling can
form of me will not do justice to my devotion to my wife.

PEGGY.

[_Sotto voce._] Oh, beautiful!

REGINALD.

[_Fiercely._] And I should like to know the individual, old or young,
who would take my wife from me!

MALLORY.

[_To himself _] Many a husband would like to know that person.

REGINALD.

In conclusion--as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship,
I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to
remind him of it. [_Looking at his watch._] And now I regret to say--[_
The girls rise, the men follow. _]

PEGGY.

No, no--not before we have danced one quadrille.

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Oh, yes--oh, yes! A quadrille!

PEGGY.

Uncle Vere will play for us.

QUECKETT.

No, Uncle Vere will not!

MALLORY.

Oh, yes, you will, Queckett, old fellow, eh?

QUECKETT.

Well--I--with pleasure, Jack. [_To himself!_] How dare they!

PEGGY.

Clear the floor! [_Saunders and Mallory, assisted by Ermyntrude and
Gwendoline, put back the table and chairs._]

RANKLING.

[_Getting very good humoured._] Upon my soul, I never saw such girls
in my life! I wonder whether my Dinah is anything like 'em! [_Dinah and
Reginald are having a violent altercation._]

DINAH.

A wife shouldn't dance with her husband--it is horrible form!

REGINALD.

I can't see you led out by a stranger.

DINAH.

It is merely a quadrille.

REGINALD.

Merely a quadrille! Woman, do you think I am marble?

DINAH.

[_Distractedly, turning to Rankling._] Admiral Rankling, are you going
to dance?

RANKLING.

[_Gallantly._] If you do me the honour, my dear Madam. [_She takes his
arm._]

REGINALD.

[_Madly, to Dinah._] Ah, flirt!

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Get rid of them soon, or I shall become a gibbering idiot!

MALLORY.

[_Slapping Queckett on the back._] Now, then, Queckett. [_Queckett goes
to the piano. To Peggy._] Will you make me happy, dear Miss Peggy?

PEGGY.

Thank you, Mr. Mallory, I never dance. [_Taking his arm._] But I don't
mind this once. Uncle!

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] I wash my hands of the entire party! [_He plays the
first figure of a quadrille, while they dance--Rankling and Dinah,
Saunders and Gwendoline, Mallory and Peggy, Ermyntrude and Reginald.
They dance with brightness and animation, but whenever Reginald
encounters Dinah there is a violent altercation. As the figure ends Jane
enters again, and runs to Queckett at the piano. _]

QUECKETT.

What is it?

JANE.

Oh, sir, do come down-stairs--as far down as you can get.

QUECKETT.

What do you mean?

JANE.

That boy, Tyler, sir!

QUECKETT.

Tyler--well?

JANE.

He went off bang in the kitchen, sir, about ten minutes ago. Them
fireworks!

QUECKETT.

Fireworks! Where is he?

JANE.

Gone for the engines, sir.

QUECKETT.

[_Rising._] The engines!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Uncle!

GWENDOLINE.

Uncle Vere!

PEGGY.

Now then, Uncle!

QUECKETT.

Excuse me--let somebody take my place at the piano. I--I'll be back in a
moment! [_Jane hurries out, he following her._]

PEGGY.

[_Running to the piano and commencing a waltz.'_] A waltz! Change
partners! [_Rankling dances with Ermyntrude, Saunders with Gwendoline.
Reginald is left out, but is wildly following Dinah, who is dancing with
Mallory._]

RANKLING.

[_Puffing._] Not so fast, Miss Griffin--not so fast.

REGINALD.

[_Dinah's ear._] I shall require some explanation, Madam.

DINAH.

Oh, Reginald! [_There is the sound of a prolonged knocking at the street
door, followed by a bell ringing violently._]

PEGGY.

[_Playing._] Somebody wants to come in, evidently. [_Suddenly the music
and the dancing stop and everybody listens; then they all run to the
windows and look out._]

RANKLING.

What's that?

MALLORY.

What's wrong?

SAUNDERS.

Oh, look there!

PEGGY.

Oh, there's such a crowd at our house! [_Queckett re-enters with Jane,
who sinks into a chair. Queckett looks very pale and frightened._]

QUECKETT.

Listen to me, please.

ALL.

What's the matter?

QUECKETT.

Don't be alarmed. Look at me. Imitate my self-possession.

ALL.

What is the matter?

QUECKETT.

The matter? The weather is so unfavourable that the boy Tyler has been
compelled to display fireworks on the premises.

THE GIRLS. THE MEN.

Oh! What has happened?

QUECKETT.

Pray don't be disturbed. There is not the slightest occasion for alarm.
We have now the choice of one alternative.

RANKLING AND MALLORY.

What's that?

QUECKETT.

To get out without unnecessary delay.

THE GIRLS.

[_Clustering together._] Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Assuming the tone of a commander._] Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!

MALLORY.

Yes, sir.

SAUNDERS.

Yes, sir. [_Mallory and Saunders place themselves beside Rankling._]

RANKLING.

Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our
pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies?

MALLORY.

I, sir!

SAUNDERS.

I, sir!

REGINALD.

I do!

QUECKETT.

I do!

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies.
[_The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane._]

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!

MALLORY AND SAUNDERS.

Yes, sir.

RANKLING.

Our respective coats. [_They bustle about to get their coats as the door
quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears._]

JAFFRAY.

Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies?

MALLORY.

They're putting on their hats and cloaks.

JAFFRAY.

Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [_He goes to the window,
pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is
seen against the balcony._] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff?

GOFF.

[_Out of sight._] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [_Goff, a middle-aged,
jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window. _]

JAFFRAY.

Gentlemen, Mr. Goff--one of the oldest and most respected members of the
Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen.

RANKLING.

[_Impatiently._] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [_Mallory
goes out._]

GOFF.

I shouldn't hurry them, sir--ladies like to take their time. Now I
remember an instance in October, '78--

RANKLING.

Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now!

JAFFRAY.

I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and
entertaining members of the Brigade.

RANKLING.

I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies?
[_Saunders goes out._]

JAFFRAY.

Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you
wait.

RANKLING.

But I don't wish to wait! [_Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline,
Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily
attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels,
and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage
of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and
Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb._]

THE GIRLS.

We're ready. Take us away!

JAFFRAY.

I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a
few minutes.

ALL.

Take it quietly! What for?

JAFFRAY.

The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the
present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the
Escape.

ALL.

[_Turning to the window._] The Escape! is it? Where?

JAFFRAY.

It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could
wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies,
Mr. Goff--

THE GIRLS.

Oh, take us away! Take us away! [_Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe
the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out._]

GOFF.

[_Pleasantly seating himself and taking off his helmet._] Well, ladies,
I don't know that I can tell you much to amuse you--however--

RANKLING.

Be quiet, sir--we will not be entertained!

JAFFRAY.

[_Carrying a hose from the window to the door. _] Really, gentlemen,
I must say I've never heard Mr. Goff treated so hasty at any
conflagration. [_He carries the hose out._]

RANKLING.

A fireman full of anecdote! I decline to appreciate any reminiscence
whatever. So do we all!

REGINALD.

Certainly!

MALLORY.

All of us!

GOFF.

It was in July, '79, ladies--my wife had just brought my tea to the
Chandos Street Station--[_Jaffray re-enters and goes to the window._]

MALLORY.

Will you be silent, sir?

REGINALD.

Get up and do something!

SAUNDERS.

Go away!

JAFFRAY.

The Escape, ladies and gentlemen--that window--one at a time. [_There is
a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear
by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and
Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude,
Peggy, and Jane as they escape._]

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory--Mr. Saunders--good evening! [_Reginald disappears by the
right-hand window. Saunders goes after him, Mallory is about to follow
when Queckett enters hurriedly. Queckett is in a tall hat, a short
covert coat, and carries gloves and an umbrella. He is flourishing a
letter._]

QUECKETT.

[_Pulling Mallory back._] Jack--Jack!

MALLORY.

Hallo!

QUECKETT.

I'm going back to save some valuables. Directly you get down post that
letter. Oh, Jack, it's so important.

MALLORY.

[_Looking at the letter._] To the Eagle Fire Insurance Company.

QUECKETT.

Quite so--slipped my memory. [_Mallory disappears. Jaffray follows him.
_]

RANKLING.

[_Hurrying to Queckett._] My dear Queckett, it is the commander's duty
to be the last to leave the ship--you are master here. Thank you for
your hospitality. Good-night.

QUECKETT.

My dear Rankling, thank you for coming to see me. Good-night. [_Jaffray
appears at the window._]

JAFFRAY.

It's all right, gentlemen--there's a kind lady down below who is taking
everybody into her house for the night--Mrs. Rankling of Portland Place.

RANKLING.

Mrs. Rankling--that's my wife! [_Queckett disappears._]

JAFFRAY.

Is she, sir? Glad to hear it. Then they are all your visitors till
to-morrow.

RANKLING.

Confound it, sir, where do I live?

JAFFRAY.

Just at the corner here, sir--a hundred yards off.

RANKLING.

Then where am I now?

JAFFRAY.

Miss Dyott's boarding school, sir--Volumnia College.

RANKLING.

What! [_He and Jaffray go out by the window on the right as Goff enters
by the window on the left._]

GOFF.

Where is he? [_Calling at the door._]Sir, here's the lady of the
house--rode up on an engine from Piccadilly--make haste--she says she
will come up the ladder. [_Queckett enters quickly, dragging after him
several boxes of cigars. _]

QUECKETT.

A lady! What lady? [_Miss Dyott appears at the window. She is in
the gorgeous dress of an opera-bouffe Queen, with a flaxen wig much
disarranged and a crown on one side. Recoiling. _] Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Entering and taking him by the collar._] Come down! [_She drags him
towards the window._]

END OF THE SECOND ACT.




THE THIRD ACT

_The scene is a well-furnished, tastefully decorated morning-room in the
house of Admiral Rankling. At the further end of the room there are
two double doors facing each other, one with glazed panels opening to a
conservatory, the other to a dark room. There are also two doors near to
the pillars that support an archway spanning the room. All is darkness
save for a faint glow from the fire, and a blue light coming through the
conservatory windows._

_Peggy, dressed as before, enters quietly, looking about her._

PEGGY.

[_In a whisper._] Where have I got to now, I wonder? What a dreadful
wilderness of a house to wander about in, in the dark, all alone.
Oh, for the daylight! [_Looking at her watch._] Half-past six. Why,
gracious! here's a spark of fire! Oh, joy! [_She goes down on her knees,
and replenishes the fire with coal from the scuttle. The door opens, and
Gwendoline peeps in._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_In a whisper._] What room is this? [_Entering noiselessly._] Will the
day never break? [_Frightened, and retreating as Peggy makes a noise
blowing up the fire._] Oh!

PEGGY.

[_Frightened._] Oh! Who is that? [_Looking around._] Gwendoline!

GWENDOLINE.

Peggy!

PEGGY.

Are you wandering about too?

GWENDOLINE.

Yes. I can't sleep--can you?

PEGGY.

[_Shivering._] Sleep? no. As if I could sleep in a strange bed in a
strange house, in one of Admiral Rankling's night-gowns. You didn't
meet any daylight on the stairs, did you? [_Another door opens, and
Ermyntrude enters noiselessly._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_Clinging to Peggy._] Oh, look there!

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_In a whisper._] I wonder where I am now.

PEGGY.

Ermyntrude!

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Clinging to a chair._] Ah!

PEGGY.

Be quiet! It's we--it's us--it's her and me! Oh, my grammar's going now!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Can't you girls get to sleep?

GWENDOLINE.

I should think not.

PEGGY.

There wasn't any daylight in your room when you came down, was there?

ERMYNTRUDE.

I thought I saw a glimmer through the window on the first floor landing.

PEGGY.

Ah, perhaps that's some of yesterday's. I know! I've made up the fire;
let us bivouac here till daybreak. Two by the fire, and take it in turns
for the sofa. [_Picking up a bearskin rug and carrying it to the sofa._]
Who's first for the sofa?

GWENDOLINE.

Ermyntrude.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Gwendoline.

PEGGY.

Come along, Gwendoline. [_Gwendoline puts herself upon the sofa, and
Peggy covers her with the bearskin._] There--as soon as you drop
off to sleep it will be Ermyntrude's turn. [_Looking through the
conservatory doors._] Oh, how the snow is coming down! [_Joining
Ermyntrude, who is warming her hands by the fire. She sits in an
arm-chair._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

Peggy--do you know what has become of poor Dinah?

PEGGY.

Yes, she's locked up up-stairs till the morning. Admiral Rankling locked
her up.

GWENDOLINE.

[_From the sofa._] It's a shame!

PEGGY.

Go to sleep! Oh, what a scene there was! Admiral Rankling foamed at the
mouth. It was lucky they got Mr. Queckett away from him in time.

GWENDOLINE.

[_Sleepily._] Where is Mr. Queckett?

PEGGY.

Go to sleep.

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Leaning against Peggy's knees._] Mr. Queckett is locked up too, isn't
he?

PEGGY.

Of course he is--till the morning. Miss Dyott locked him up--very
properly I think.

ERMYNTRUDE.

And where's Miss Dyott?

PEGGY.

Up-stairs, in the room next to mine, in hysterics. Hush! I do believe
Gwendoline has gone off. Are you pretty comfortable?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Her head on Peggy's lap--sleepily._] Yes, thank you.

PEGGY.

[_ Wearily._] Oh! [_The door quietly opens, and Saunders appears. Peggy
and Ermyntrude are hidden from him by the armchair._]

SAUNDERS.

[_Sleepily._] I can't sleep in my room. Where have they put Uncle Jack,
I wonder? [_Seeing Gwendoline, who is sleeping, with the light from the
conservatory windows upon her._] Oh--what's that? [_Going softly up to
Gwendoline, and looking at her._] Why, here's my Gwen. I wonder if
she'd mind my sitting near her. [_Turning up his coat collar and
sitting gently on the footstool, he leans against the head of the sofa
drowsily._] Now if any robbers wanted to hurt Gwen, I could kill them.
[_Closing his eyes wearily._] Oh! [_Soon there is a sound of heavy
regular breathing from the four sleeping figures. The door opens, and
Mallory enters._]

MALLORY.

[_Shivering._] Can't get a blessed wink of sleep. Where have I
wandered to? Why, this is the room where the awful row was. [_Seeing
Gwendoline._] Hallo, here's one of those schoolgirls--[_discovering
Saunders_] and--well, this nephew of mine is a devil of a fellow! That
isn't a glimmer of fire, surely. [_ Walking towards the fireplace he
nearly stumbles over Ermyntrude._] More girls! [_He accidentally knocks
over the scuttle. They all wake with a start._]

PEGGY AND ERMYNTRUDE.

What's that?

GWENDOLINE AND SAUNDERS.

Who is it?

MALLORY.

Hush, don't be frightened! It's only I.

PEGGY.

Mr. Mallory.

MALLORY.

I've been wandering about--can't sleep.

PEGGY.

No--we can't sleep either.

MALLORY.

Well, I don't know about that. [_Ermyntrude lights the candle on
mantelpiece._]

PEGGY.

Why haven't you and Mr. Saunders gone home? You're not burnt out.

MALLORY.

Perhaps not; but Admiral Rankling asked me to remain, and, if he hadn't,
I'm not going to leave this house till my friend Queckett is out of
danger.

PEGGY.

Out of danger.

MALLORY.

Yes. Are you aware that you young ladies have brought very grave
difficulties upon that unfortunate gentleman?

PEGGY.

[_Crying._] He encouraged us! He's a man!

MALLORY.

Now, pray don't cry, my dear Miss--what is your name this morning?

PEGGY.

Hesslerigge, and I wish I'd never been born!

MALLORY.

Hesslerigge and you wish you'd never been born. [_ Taking her hand._]
Well, Miss Hesslerigge, the serious aspect of the affair is that Admiral
Rankling has a most violent, ungovernable temper.

PEGGY.

[_Tearfully._] I know. I've never seen a gentleman foam at the mouth
before. It's quite a new experience.

MALLORY.

[_Soothingly._] Of course--of course--and therefore I'm apprehensive
for poor Mr. Queckett's bodily safety. Meanwhile I won't disturb you any
longer; come along, Saunders.

PEGGY.

Where are you going?

MALLORY.

To the front door--to speak a word or two of encouragement to that young
fellow, Paulover.

PEGGY.

Oh, is he outside still? In the snow!

MALLORY.

Why, he has been walking up and down on the other side of the way all
night.

PEGGY.

[_Indignantly._] And you haven't let him in!

MALLORY.

How could I! You forget that our host has forbidden him the house.

PEGGY.

No, I don't; I saw them roll out into the road together. Girls, shall we
open the front door or shall we remain the mere slaves of etiquette?

GWENDOLINE.

I should like to let him in.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Certainly--why not?

SAUNDERS.

Come along--I know the way. [_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude go
out quietly._]

MALLORY.

[_To Peggy._] Well, you'll perhaps pardon my saying that you are a
devil-may-care little schoolgirl!

PEGGY.

You make a great mistake. I am not a schoolgirl; I am struggling to be a
governess.

MALLORY.

Ah, I hope you'll make your way in your profession. [_Peggy has
discovered the spirit-stand on the sideboard and now places it on the
table. _]

MALLORY.

What are you going to do now?

PEGGY.

Brew poor Mr. Paulover something hot. [_Bringing the kettle and spirit
lamp to the table_] Light this lamp for me, please. [_He lights the
lamp._] If you can recommend me at any time to a lady with young
daughters I shall be grateful.

MALLORY.

I will--I will.

PEGGY.

I think I am almost capable of finishing any young lady now.

MALLORY.

I am sure you are. [_Looking at the spirit lamp._] Is that alight?
[_They put their heads down close together to look at the lighted
lamp._] That's all right.

PEGGY.

Seems so. [_They rise and look at one another._]

MALLORY.

We'd better watch it, perhaps, in case it goes out. [_ They bob down
again with their heads together and both sit on the same chair._] You'll
get into an awful scrape over your share in last night's business, won't
you?

PEGGY.

Frightful; the thought depresses me.

MALLORY.

Do you think Miss Dyott, or Mrs. Queckett, or whatever she is, will send
you home?

PEGGY.

She can't--she's got me for ever. She took me, years ago, for a bad
debt.

MALLORY.

How can she punish you then?

PEGGY.

I think she will withdraw her confidence from me.

MALLORY.

You won't despair, will you?

PEGGY.

I'll try not to.

MALLORY.

What a jolly little sailor's wife you'd make--brewing grog like this.

PEGGY.

I hope I should do my duty in any station of life to which I might be
called.

MALLORY.

I'm a sailor, you know.

PEGGY.

No--are you?

MALLORY.

[_ Taking her hand and putting it to his lips._] You know I am.

PEGGY.

[_Suddenly._] It's going to boil over! [_They jump up quickly, Mallory
retreats._] Oh, no, it isn't. [_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter,
leading Reginald, with Saunders following. Reginald is in a deplorable
condition, covered with snow and icicles, his face is white, and his
nose red._] Oh, poor Mr. Paulover!

SAUNDERS.

He's frost-bitten!

PEGGY.

Thaw him by degrees. [_Peggy mixes the grog. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude
lead Reginald to a chair before the fire, he uttering some violent but
incoherent exclamations._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

He's annoyed with Admiral Rankling. [_The girls chafe his hands while he
still mutters, with his eyes rolling._]

PEGGY.

It's a good job his language is frozen. [_Putting the glass of grog to
his lips._]

REGINALD.

[_Reviving._] Thank you. Take my hat off, please--I bought it from
a cabman. [_Gwendoline removes his hat, which is very shabby._] Good
morning! Where's my wife Dinah?

PEGGY.

She's quite safe.

REGINALD.

I must see her--speak to her!

PEGGY.

You can't--she's locked up.

REGINALD.

Then I must push a long letter under her door. She must, she shall,
know that I am going to walk up and down outside this house all my life.
[_Faintly._] Bring writing materials!

MALLORY.

I'll hunt for the pen and ink.

SAUNDERS.

So will I.

REGINALD.

[_To Peggy._] No--no--you do it. These men are bachelors--they can't
feel for me!

MALLORY.

Here's a writing-table. [_Peggy runs to Mallory and opens the lid of the
writing-table. _]

PEGGY.

Note paper and envelopes--where's the--[_opening one of the small
drawers--she starts back with a cry._] Oh! [_They all turn and look at
her._]

ALL.

What's the matter?

PEGGY.

[_Taking from the drawer a large bunch of keys, each with a small label,
which she examines breathlessly._] Duplicate keys of all the rooms in
the house! What gross carelessness--to leave keys in an open drawer!
Girls, why should not we impress this fact upon Admiral Rankling by
releasing Dinah immediately?

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Oh, yes, yes.

REGINALD.

[_Seizing Peggy's hand._] Oh, Miss Hesslerigge, my father-in-law is
entertaining an angel unawares.

MALLORY.

Oh, stop, stop, stop--I don't think we're quite justified--

REGINALD.

[_Scornfully._] Hah, I told you he was merely a bachelor! [_Pointing to
Saunders._] So is his companion. Give me the keys?

PEGGY.

No--no--I take the responsibility of this. I am a girl! [_ Going towards
the door, and looking at Mallory and Saunders as they make way for her.
_] I hope you will repent your line of conduct, gentlemen. [_She goes
out._]

MALLORY.

I think we all shall. [_There is a sudden noise, as of some one falling
down a couple of stairs. They start and listen._]

GIRLS.

Oh!

MALLORY.

What's that?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Looking out at door.'_] Here's Admiral Rankling! [_There is a
suppressed exclamation with a silent scamper to the further end of the
room._]

MALLORY.

[_Indignantly._] What the deuce does a respectable man want out of bed
at this unearthly hour?

RANKLING.

[_In a rage, outside the door._] Confound that!

GIRLS.

Oh!

REGINALD.

[_Opening the door leading to the dark room._] Here's a room here. Shall
we condescend to hide?

ALL.

Yes. [_They disappear hastily as Rankling appears in a dressing-gown,
his face pale and his eyes red and wild._]

RANKLING.

Hallo! Some one has been sitting up--candles--and a fire. Ah! [_Sniffing
and walking about the room, he goes straight to the mantelpiece upon
which Reginald's grog has been left and takes up the tumbler._] It's
Mallory. [_ With suppressed passion._] It's against the rules for
anybody to sit up in my house!

[_Calmly._] But I don't mind Mallory--I don't--[_Looking at sofa._]
Hallo--Mallory has been turning in here. [_Going to the sofa and
sitting there shaking with anger._] Are we never going to have any
more daylight? How long am I to wait till that miserable schoolmistress
releases the worm Queckett! Queckett! Uncle Vere! The reptile who has
made a fool of me in the eyes of my wife and daughter! Ugh! But I must
husband my strength for Queckett. I have been a very careful man all my
life; as far as muscular economy goes, Queckett shall have the savings
of a lifetime. [_Lying down and pulling the rug over him._] Uncle Vere!
Ah--I was a wild, impetuous, daring lad once--[_going to sleep_] and
I can be unpleasant even now. I can! The Admiralty doesn't know it--Emma
doesn't know it--Queckett shall know it. [_He breathes heavily. The
others have been peeping from their hiding place, and as they close
the door, Peggy enters alone, quickly but silently. She looks for
the others, then almost falls over Rankling on the sofa, at which she
retreats with a suppressed screech of horror. Mallory opens the further
door and gesticulates to her violently to be silent._]

PEGGY.

[_Petrified._] Oh, my goodness gracious! [_Mallory comes and bends over
Rankling, listening to his breathing; he then goes to Peggy._]

MALLORY.

He's dropped off. Where is Mrs. Paulover?

PEGGY.

She's not on that side of the house.

MALLORY.

I've a plan for disposing of the old gentleman. Try the other side.

PEGGY.

I'm going to. [_Turning and clutching Mallory._] But, oh, Mr. Mallory,
what do you think I've done?

MALLORY.

That's impossible to conjecture.

PEGGY.

I've made a mistake about the doors and--I have unlocked Mr. Queckett!
[_She goes out quickly, Mallory thinks for a moment, then bursts into a
fit of silent laughter._]

MALLORY.

I love that girl! [_Reginald appears at the further door,
gesticulating._]

REGINALD.

[_In a hoarse whisper. _] Where is my wife? I cannot live longer without
her! Where is Dinah?

MALLORY.

Hush! She'll be here in a minute. Come out of there and lend me a hand.
[_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude enter on tiptoe. To Reginald._]
Now then--gently. [_Mallory and Reginald each take an end of the sofa
and carry Rankling out through the door into the dark room._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_Breathlessly._] If they bump him, all's lost! [_Mallory and Reginald
re-appear._]

REGINALD.

I feel warmer now.

MALLORY.

Turn the key. Reginald turns the key as Dinah and Peggy enter
cautiously.

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Dinah!

DINAH.

Reggie!

REGINALD.

My wife! [_Reginald rushes down to Dinah and embraces her frantically.
There is a general cry of relief as Mallory embraces Peggy, and
Gwendoline throws her arms round Saunders. Suddenly there is the
sound of some one stumbling downstairs, accompanied by a smothered
exclamation._]

ALL.

[_Listening._] What's that?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Peeping out at the door._] Here's Uncle Vere got loose. He has fallen
downstairs.

REGINALD.

Oh, bother! Come along, Dinah. [_Reginald and Dinah, Saunders,
Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline go out quickly._]

PEGGY.

[_To Mallory._] Rather bad taste of your nephew and those girls to run
after a newly-married couple, isn't it?

MALLORY.

Yes; we won't do it.

PEGGY.

No; but we don't want to be bothered with your old friend, Queckett, do
we?

MALLORY.

No--he's an awful bore.

PEGGY.

Is the conservatory heated? [_Taking his arm._] I don't mind if it
isn't. [_They disappear into the conservatory. The door opens and
Queckett, his face pale and haggard, enters, still wearing his hat and
the short covert coat over his evening dress, and carrying his gloves
and umbrella._]

QUECKETT.

To whom am I indebted for being let out? Was it by way of treachery, I
wonder? Somebody has been sitting up late, or rising early! Who is
it? [_Sniffing and looking about him, then going straight to the
mantelpiece, taking up the tumbler and smelling the contents._] I am
anxious not to do any one an injustice, but that's Peggy. Oh, what a
night I've passed! I have no hesitation in saying that the extremely bad
behaviour of Caroline--of the lady I have married--and the ungovernable
rage of Rankling, are indelibly impressed upon me. [_Looking round
nervously._] Good gracious! I am actually in the room where Rankling
announced his intention of ultimately dislocating my vertebræ. I shall
certainly not winter in England. [_The clock strikes seven, he looks at
his watch._] Seven. It will be wise to remain here till the first
gleam of daylight, and then leave the house--unostentatiously. I will
exchange no explanations with Caroline. I shall simply lay the whole
circumstance of my injudicious, boyish marriage before my brother Bob
and the other members of my family. Any allowance which Caroline may
make me shall come through them. [_There is a sound of something falling
and breaking outside the room._] The deuce! What's that? [_Going on
tip-toe over to the door, and peeping out._] Somebody has knocked
something over. [_Snatching up his hat, gloves, and umbrella._] I
sha'n't wait till daybreak if they're breaking other things. [_He
hurries to the other door, opens it, looks out, and closes it
quickly.'_] People sitting on the stairs! Is this a plot to surround
me? The conservatory? [_He goes quickly to the conservatory doors, opens
them, then draws back closing them quickly._] Two persons under a palm
tree. [_There is a knock at the door on the rights_] Oh! [_Seeing the
door leading to the dark room._] Where does that lead to? [_He tries the
door, unlocks it and looks in._] A dark room! Oh, I'm so thankful!

[_He disappears, closing the door after him. The knocking outside is
repeated, then the door opens and Miss Dyott enters. She is dressed in
her burlesque queen costume, her face is pale. She carries the head,
broken off at the neck, of a terra-cotta bust of a woman._]

MISS DYOTT.

I have broken a bust now. It is an embarrassing thing to break a bust in
the house of comparative strangers. Oh, will it never be daylight? Does
the milkman never come to Portland Place? I have been listening at
the keyhole of Vere's room--not a sound. He can sleep with the ruin of
Volumnia College upon his conscience while I--[_sinking into a chair.'_]
Ah, I realize now the correctness of the poet's observation--"Uneasy
lies the head that wears a crown!" [_Queckett comes quietly from the
dark room, much terrified'._]

QUECKETT.

Rankling's in there--asleep. In the dark I sat on him. Oh, what a narrow
escape I've had! [_Coming behind Miss Dyott and suddenly seeing her._]
Caroline! Scylla and Charybdis! [_He bolts back into the dark room._]
Miss Dyott. [_Rising alarmed._] What's that? [_Mrs. Rankling enters in a
peignoir._]

MRS. RANKLING.

I heard something fall. [_Seeing Miss Dyott._] Mrs. Queckett!
[_Distantly._] Instructions were given that everybody should be called
at eight. I had arranged that a more appropriate costume should be
placed at your disposal. [_Seeing the broken bust._] Ah, what has
happened?

MISS DYOTT.

I knocked over the pedestal.

MRS. RANKLING.

[_Distressed._] Oh, bust of myself by Belt! I saw him working on it! Oh,
Mrs. Queckett, is there no end of the trouble you have brought upon us?

MISS DYOTT.

The trouble _you_ have brought upon me.

MRS. RANKLING.

What! Why didn't you tell us you had a husband?

MISS DYOTT.

Why didn't you tell me that Dinah had a husband?

MRS. RANKLING.

We didn't know it.

MISS DYOTT.

Well, if you didn't know your own daughter was married how can you
wonder at your ignorance of other people's domestic complications?

MRS. RANKLING.

But that's not all. You have informed us that you are now actually
contributing to a nightly entertainment of a volatile description--that
you are positively being laughed at in public.

MISS DYOTT.

Isn't it better to be laughed at in public, and paid for it, than to be
sniggered at privately for nothing?

MRS. RANKLING.

Mrs. Queckett, you are revealing your true character.

MISS DYOTT.

It is the same as your own--an undervalued wife. Let me open your eyes
as mine are opened. We have engaged to love and to honour two men.

MRS. RANKLING.

_I_ have done nothing of the kind.

MISS DYOTT.

I mean one each.

MRS. RANKLING.

Oh--excuse me.

MISS DYOTT.

Now--looking at him microscopically--is there much to love and to honour
in Admiral Rankling?

MRS. RANKLING.

He is a genial After-dinner Speaker.

MISS DYOTT.

Hah!

MRS. RANKLING.

It is true he is rather austere.

MISS DYOTT.

An austere sailor! All bows abroad, and stern at home. Well,
then--knowing what occurred last night--is there anything to love and to
honour in Mr. Queckett?

MRS. RANKLING.

Nothing whatever.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Annoyed._] And yet he is undoubtedly the superior of Admiral Rankling.
Very well then--do as I mean to do--put your foot down. If heaven
has gifted you with a large one, so much the better. [_The voices of
Queckett and Rankling are heard suddenly raised in the adjoining room._]

RANKLING.

[_ Outside._] Queckett.

QUECKETT.

[_ Outside._] My dear Rankling!

MISS DVOTT.

Vere!

MRS. RANKLING.

The Admiral has released your husband.

RANKLING.

[_In the distance._] I'll trouble you, sir!

QUECKETT.

Certainly, Rankling.

MISS DYOTT

[_To Mrs. Rankling._] Come away, and I will advise you. Bring your head
with you. [_Miss Dyott and Mrs. Rankling carrying the broken bust, hurry
out as Queckett enters quickly, followed by Rankling._]

QUECKETT.

Admiral Rankling, I shall mark my opinion of your behaviour--through the
post.

RANKLING.

Sit down.

QUECKETT.

Thank you--I've been sitting, I sat on you on the sofa.

RANKLING.

Sit down. [_Queckett sits promptly._] As an old friend of your family,
Mr. Queckett, I am going to have a quiet chat with you on family
matters. [_Rankling wheels the arm-chair near Queckett._]

QUECKETT.

[_To himself _] I don't like his calmness--I don't like his calmness.
[_Rankling sits bending forward, and glaring at Queckett._]

RANKLING.

[_Grimly._] How is your sister Janet? Quite well, eh? [_Fiercely._] Tell
me--without a moment's delay, sir--how is Janet?

QUECKETT.

Permit me to say, Admiral Rankling, that whatever your standing with
other members of my family, you have _no_ acquaintance with the lady you
mention.

RANKLING.

Oh, haven't I? [_.Drawing his chair nearer Queckett._] Very well, then.
Is Griffin quite well--Finch-Griffin of the Berkshire Royals?

QUECKETT.

I do not know how Major Griffin is, and I feel I do not care.

RANKLING.

Oh, you don't. Very well, then. [_Drawing his chair still nearer
Queckett._] Will you answer me one simple but important question?

QUECKETT.

If it be a question a gentleman may answer--certainly.

RANKLING.

How often do you hear from your brother Tankerville?

QUECKETT.

Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Clutching Queckett's knee._] He's Deputy Inspector of Prisons in
British Guiana, you know. Doesn't have time to write often, does he?

QUECKETT.

Admiral Rankling, you will permit me to remind you that in families
of long standing and complicated interests there are regrettable
estrangements which should be lightly dealt with. [_Affected._] You have
recalled memories. [_Rising._] Excuse me.

RANKLING.

[_Rising._] No sir, I will not excuse you!

QUECKETT.

Where are my gloves?

RANKLING.

Because, Mr. Queckett, I have your assurance as a gentleman that your
brother Tankerville's daughter is married to a charming young fellow of
the name of Parkinson. Now I've discovered that Parkinson is really a
charming young fellow of the name of Paulover, so that, as Paulover
has married my daughter as well as Tankerville's, Paulover must be
prosecuted for bigamy, and as you knew that Paulover was Parkinson,
and Parkinson Paulover, you connived at the crime, inasmuch as knowing
Paulover was Tankerville's daughter's husband you deliberately aided
Parkinson in making my child Dinah his wife. But that's not the worst of
it!

QUECKETT.

Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Continuing, rapidly and excitedly._] Because I have since received
your gentlemanly assurance that Tankerville's daughter is my daughter.
Now, either you mean to say that I've behaved like a blackguard to
Tankerville--which will be a libel--or that Tankerville has conducted
himself with less than common fairness to me--which will be a divorce.
And, in either case, without wishing to anticipate the law, I shall
personally chastise you, because, although I've been a sailor on the
high seas for five and forty years, I have never during the whole of
that period listened to such a yarn of mendacious fabrications as you
spun me last night!

QUECKETT.

[_Beginning to carefully put on his gloves._] It would be idle to deny
that this affair has now assumed its most unpleasant aspect. Admiral
Rankling--the time has come for candour on both sides.

RANKLING.

Be quick, sir!

QUECKETT.

I am being quick, Rankling. I admit, with all the rapidity of utterance
of which I am capable, that my assurances of last night were founded
upon an airy basis.

RANKLING.

In plain words--lies, Mr. Queckett.

QUECKETT.

A habit of preparing election manifestos for various members of my
family may have impaired a fervent admiration for truth, in which I
yield to no man.

RANKLING.

[_Advancing in a determined manner._] Very well, sir!

QUECKETT.

[_Retreating._] One moment, Rankling. One moment--if not two! I glean
that you are prepared to assault--

RANKLING.

To chastise!

QUECKETT.

Well, to inconvenience a man at whose table you feasted last night. Do
so!

RANKLING.

I will do so!

QUECKETT.

I say, do so. But the triumph, when you kneel upon my body--for I am
bound to tell you that I shall lie down--the triumph will be mine!

RANKLING.

You are welcome to it, sir. Put down that umbrella!

QUECKETT

What for?

RANKLING.

_I_ haven't an umbrella.

QUECKETT.

You haven't? Allow me to leave this room, my dear Rankling, and I'll
beg your acceptance of this one. [_Rankling advances fiercely; Queckett
retreats; Miss Dyott enters._]

QUECKETT.

Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

Stop, Admiral Rankling, if you please. Any reprimand, physical or
otherwise, will be administered to Mr. Queckett at my hands.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] I would have preferred Rankling. Rankling I could have
winded. [_He goes out quickly. Miss Dyott following in pursuit._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_As she goes._] Vere!

RANKLING.

I am in my own house, madam--[_Mrs. Rankling enters, carrying the
broken bust._]

RANKLING.

Emma, go back to bed.

MRS. RANKLING.

Archibald Rankling, attend to me. Don't roll your eyes--but attend to
me.

RANKLING.

Emma, your tone is dictatorial.

MRS. RANKLING.

It is meant to be so, because, after seventeen years of married life, I
am going to speak my mind at last. [_Holding up the head before him._]
Archibald, look at that.

RANKLING.

What's that?

MRS. RANKLING.

Myself--less than ten years ago--the sculptor's earliest effort.

RANKLING.

Broken--made of bad stuff--send it back.

MRS. RANKLING.

It is your memory I wish to send back. Ah, Archibald, do you see how
round and plump those cheeks are?

RANKLING.

People alter. You were stout then.

MRS. RANKLING.

I was.

RANKLING.

In those days I was thin.

MRS. RANKLING.

Frightfully.

RANKLING.

Very well, then--the average remains the same. Some day we may return
to the old arrangement.

MRS. RANKLING.

If you ever find yourself a spare man again, Archibald, it won't be
because I have worried and fretted you with my peevish ill-humour--

RANKLING.

Emma!

MRS. RANKLING.

As you have worried and worn me with yours.

RANKLING.

Emma, you have completely lost your head. [_She raises the broken
bust._] I don't mean that confounded bust. That was an ideal.

MRS. RANKLING.

And if a mere sculptor could make your wife an ideal, why shouldn't you
try? So, understand me finally, Archibald, I will not be ground down any
longer. Unless some arrangement is arrived at for the happiness of dear
Dinah and Mr. Paulover, I leave you.

RANKLING.

Leave me!

MRS. RANKLING.

This very day.

RANKLING.

Wantonly desert your home and husband, Emma?

MRS. RANKLING.

Yes.

RANKLING.

[_With emotion._] And I don't know where to put my hand upon even a
necktie! [_Covering his face with his handkerchief._]

MRS. RANKLING.

All the world shall learn how highly you thought of Dinah's marriage at
Mr. Queckett's party last night.

RANKLING.

[_To himself_] Oh!

MRS. RANKLING.

And what a very different man you have always been in your own home.
[_Beginning to cry._] And take care, Archibald, that the verdict of
posterity is not that you were less a husband and father than a tyrant
and oppressor. [_Queckett enters, with Miss Dyott in pursuit; she
follows him out._]

MISS DYOTT.

[_As she goes._] Vere! [_Rankling blows his nose and wipes his, eyes,
and looks at Mrs. Rankling._]

RANKLING.

[_In a conciliatory tone._] Emma! Emma!

MRS. RANKLING.

[_ Weeping._] Oh, dear, oh, dear!

RANKLING.

Emma. [_Irritably._] Don't tuck your head under your arm in that way!
[_She puts the broken bust on the table._] Emma, there have been grave
faults on both sides. Yours I will endeavour to overlook.

MRS. RANKLING.

Ah, now you are your dear old self again.

RANKLING.

But, Emma, you are occasionally an irritating woman to live with.

MRS. RANKLING.

You are the first who has ever said that.

RANKLING.

So I should hope, Emma.

MRS. RANKLING.

And poor Dinah--you will forgive her?

RANKLING.

On conditions that she doesn't see Paulover's face again for five years.

MRS. RANKLING.

Oh, there will be no difficulty about that. [_Reginald and Dinah enter,
she is dressed for flight._]

DINAH.

Papa!

REGINALD.

My father-in-law! [_They retreat hastily._]

RANKLING.

[_Madly._] Who let you out? Who let you in? [_He goes out after
them--Mrs. Rankling follows._]

MRS. RANKLING.

[_As she goes out._] Archibald! continue your dear old self. [_Queckett
enters by another door, Miss Dyott following him--both out of breath.
They look at each other, recovering themselves?_]

QUECKETT.

I understand that you wish to speak to me, Caroline.

MISS DYOTT.

Oh, you--you paltry little man! You mean ungrateful little creature! You
laced-up little heap of pompous pauperism! You--you--I cannot adequately
describe you. Wretch!

QUECKETT.

[_Putting on his gloves again._] Have you finished with me, Caroline?
Finished with you! I shall never have finished with you! Never till you
leave me!

QUECKETT.

[_Rising._] Till I leave you?

MISS DYOTT.

Till you leave me a widow.

QUECKETT.

[_Resuming his seat, disappointed._] Oh!

MISS DYOTT.

You don't think I expect you to leave me anything else. Oh, what could I
have seen in you!

QUECKETT.

I take it, Caroline, that, in the language of the hunting field, you
"scented" a gentleman.

MISS DYOTT.

Scented a gentleman! In the few weeks of our marriage I have scented you
and cigaretted you, wined you and liqueured you, tailored and hatted and
booted you. I have darned and mended and washed you--gruelled you with a
cold, tinctured you with a toothache, and linimented you with the gout.
[_Fiercely._] Have I not? Have I not?

QUECKETT.

You certainly have had exceptional privileges. Familiarity appears to
have fulfilled its usual functions and bred--

MISS DYOTT.

The most utter contempt. Have I not paid your debts?

QUECKETT.

[_Promptly._] Not at my suggestion.

MISS DYOTT.

And all for what?

QUECKETT.

I assume, for Love's dear sake, Carrie.

MISS DYOTT.

For the sake of having the vestal seclusion of Volumnia College
telegraphically denominated as Bachelor Diggings!

QUECKETT.

Any collection of young ladies may be so described. The description is
happy but harmless. As for the subsequent conflagration--

MISS DYOTT.

Don't talk about it!

QUECKETT.

I say with all sincerity that from the moment the fire broke out till I
escaped no one regretted it more than myself. _That_ was Tyler!

MISS DYOTT.

Tyler! What Tyler! I make no historical reference when I say what Tyler
was it who abruptly tore aside the veil of mystery which had hitherto
shrouded the existence of champagne and lobster salad from four young
girls! It was you!

QUECKETT.

No, it wasn't, Carrie, upon my word?

MISS DYOTT.

Bah!

QUECKETT.

Upon my honour!

MISS DYOTT.

[_ Witheringly._] Hah!

QUECKETT.

Those vexing pupils played the very devil with me. After you left, the
pupils, as it were, dilated.

MISS DYOTT.

Yes, and you ordered them champagne glasses, I suppose! Oh, deceiver!

QUECKETT.

You talk of deception! What about the three o'clock train from
Paddington?

MISS DYOTT.

It was the whole truth--there was one.

QUECKETT.

But you didn't travel in it! What about the clergyman's wife at
Hereford?

MISS DYOTT.

Go there--you will find several!

QUECKETT.

But you're not staying with them. Oh, Carrie, how can you meet my
fearless glance when you recall that my last words yesterday were
"Cabman, drive to Paddington--the lady will pay your fare?"

MISS DYOTT.

I cannot deny that it is by accident you have discovered that I am Queen
Honorine in Otto Bernstein's successful comic opera.

QUECKETT.

And what do you think my family would think of that!

MISS DYOTT.

It is true that the public now know me as Miss Constance Delaporte.

QUECKETT.

[_Indignantly._] Oh! Miss Constance Delaporte!

MISS DYOTT.

The new and startling contralto--her first appearance.

QUECKETT.

And have I, a Queckett, after all, gone and married a Connie?

MISS DYOTT.

You have! It is true too, that last night, while you and my pupils were
dilating, I was singing--ay, and at one important juncture, dancing!

QUECKETT.

[_ With horror._] No, no--not dancing!

MISS DYOTT.

Madly, desperately, hysterically, dancing!

QUECKETT.

And to think--if there was any free list--that my brother Bob may have
been there.

MISS DYOTT.

But do you guess the one thought that prompted me, buoyed me up, guided
my steps, and ultimately produced a lower G of exceptional power.

QUECKETT.

[_With a groan._] No.

MISS DYOTT.

The thought that every note I sang might bring a bank-note to my lonely
Vere at home.

QUECKETT.

Carrie

MISS DYOTT.

I went through the performance in a dream! The conductor's bâton beat
nothing but, "Vere, Vere, Vere," into my eyes. Some one applauded me!
I thought, "Ah, that's worth a new hat to Vere!" I sang my political
verse--a man very properly hissed. "He has smashed Vere's new hat," I
murmured. At last came my important solo. I drew a long breath, saw
a vision of you reading an old copy of _The Rock_, by the fireside at
home--and opened my mouth. I remembered nothing more till I found myself
wildly dancing to the _refrain_ of my song. The audience yelled with
approbation--I bowed again and again--and then tottered away to sink
into the arms of the prompter with the words, "Vere, catch your Carrie!"

QUECKETT.

But my family--my brother Bob--

MISS DYOTT.

What have they ever done for you? While I--it was my ambition to devote
every penny of my salary to your little wants.

QUECKETT.

And isn't it?

MISS DYOTT.

No--Vere Albany Bute Queckett; it isn't. The moment I dragged you down
that ladder last night, and left behind me the smouldering ruins of
Volumnia College, I became an altered woman.

QUECKETT.

Then I will lay the whole affair before my family.

MISS DYOTT.

Do, and tell them to what your selfishness has brought you--that where
there was love there is disdain, where there was claret there will be
beer, where there were cigars there will be pipes, and where there was
Poole there will be Kino!

QUECKETT.

Oh, why didn't I wait and marry a lady?

MISS DYOTT.

You did marry a lady! But scratch the lady and you find a hardworking
comic actress!

QUECKETT.

Be silent, madam!

MISS DYOTT.

Ha! Ha! This is my revenge, Vere Queckett! To-night I will dance more
wildly, more demonstratively than ever!

QUECKETT.

I forbid it!

MISS DYOTT.

_You_ forbid it! _You_ dictate to Constance Delaporte--the hit of the
opera! I am Queen Honorine! [_She slaps her hands and sings with great
abandonment, and in the pronounced manner of the buffo queen, the song
she is supposed to sing in Bernstein's opera. Singing._]=

````'Rine, 'Rine, Honorine!

````Mighty, whether wife or queen;

````Firmer ruler never seen,

```Than 'Rine, 'Rine! La!=

QUECKETT.

[_Indignantly._] I will write to my married sisters!

MISS DYOTT.

Do--and I will call upon them! [_Singing._] =

````Man's a boasting, fretting fumer,

````Smoking alcohol consumer,

````Quick of temper, ill of humour!=

QUECKETT.

Oh, you shall sing this to my family!

MISS DYOTT.

I will! [_Singing with her hands upon her hips._]=

````Woman has no petty vices,

````Cuts her sins in good thick slices,

````With a smile that sweet and nice is!=

QUECKETT.

[_ Writhing._] Oh!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Boisterously._] Refrain! [_Singing and dancing._]=

````'Rine, 'Rine, Honorine!

````Mighty, whether wife or queen,

````Firmer ruler never seen,

````Than 'Rine, 'Rine! La!=

[_ With a burst of hysterical laughter she sinks into a chair. _]

QUECKETT.

Oh, I will tell my brother of you! [_Daylight appears through the
conservatory doors. Mrs. Rankling and Dinah enter. Mallory and Peggy
enter from conservatory "spooning."_]

MRS. RANKLING.

My dear Mrs Queckett, I owe everything to you,--my treatment of the dear
Admiral has had wonderful results. What do you think! The Admiral and
Mr. Paulover are quite reconciled and understand each other perfectly.
[_Rankling and Paulover enter, glaring at each other and quarrelling
violently in undertones._] Look--the Admiral already regards him as his
own child. [_Saunders, Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline enter and join Peggy
and Mallory._]

DINAH.

[_Sobbing._] But we are to be separated for five years. Oh, Reggie, you
trust me implicitly, don't you?

REGINALD.

[_Fiercely._] I do. And that is why I warn you never to let me hear of
you addressing another man.

DINAH.

Oh, Reggie! [_They embrace._]

RANKLING.

Don't do that! You don't see me behaving in that way to Mrs.
Rankling--and we've been married for years.

MRS. RANKLING.

[_To Dinah._] But you and Mr. Paulover are to be allowed to meet once
every quarter.

REGINALD.

Yes--in the presence of Admiral Rankling and a policeman! [_Mrs.
Rankling, Rankling, Dinah and Reginald join the others.--Otto Bernstein
enters quickly and excitedly, carrying a quantity of newspapers. _]

BERNSTEIN.

I beg your pardon. I must see Miss Constance Delaporte--I mean, Miss
Dyott.

MISS DYOTT.

Mr. Bernstein.

BERNSTEIN.

Your house is burnt down. It does not madder. You have made a gread hit
in my new oratorio--I mean my gomic opera. I have been walking up and
down Fleet Street waiting for the babers to gome out. [_Handing round
all the newspapers._]

Der "Dimes"--Der "Delegraph"--Der "Daily News"--Der "Standard"--Der
"Bost"--Der "Ghronicle"! Dey are all gomplimentary except one, and dat I
gave to the gabman.

MISS DYOTT.

[_Reading._] "Miss Delaporte--a decided acquisition."

BERNSTEIN.

Go on!

QUECKETT

[_Reading._] "Miss Delaporte--an imposing figure." [_Indignantly._] What
do they know about it?

BERNSTEIN.

[_Excitedly._] Go on! Go on! I always say I do not read the babers, but
I do! [_To Miss Dyott._] You will get fifty bounds a week in my next
oratorio--I mean, my gomic opera.

QUECKETT.

Fifty pounds a week! My Carrie! I shall be able to snap my fingers at my
damn family.

MRS. RANKLING.

How very pleasing! [_Reading._] "A voice of great purity, a correct
intonation, and a lower G of decided volume, rendered attractive some
music not remarkable for grace or originality." [_Bernstein takes the
paper from Mrs. Rankling._]

BERNSTEIN.

I did not see dat--I will give dat to the gabman. Goo-bye--I cannot
stay. I am going to have a Turkish bath till the evening babers gome
out. I always say I do not read the evening babers--but I do! [_He
bustles out._]

MRS. RANKLING.

Mrs. Queckett, I shall book stalls at once to hear your singing.

RANKLING.

No, Emma--dress circle.

MRS. RANKLING.

Stalls, Archibald.

RANKLING.

[_ Glaring!_] Dress circle!

MRS. RANKLING.

Stalls, Archibald, or I leave you for ever!

RANKLING.

[_Mildly._] Very well, Emma. I have no desire but to please you.

QUECKETT.

I take this as a great compliment, my dear Rankling. Carrie and I thank
you. But I can't hear of it. I insist on offering you both a seat in my
box.

MISS DYOTT.

_Your_ box!

QUECKETT.

[_Softly to her._] Hush! Carrie, my darling! Your Vere's private box!

MISS DVOTT.

Mr. Queckett's private box, during my absence at night, will be our
lodgings, where he will remain under lock and key. [_Peggy laughs at
Queckett._]

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Oh, you vexing girl!

MALLORY.

[_Annoyed._] Excuse me, my dear Queckett--but while looking at the
plants in the conservatory, I became engaged to Miss Hesslerigge.
[_There is a general exclamation of surprise._]

REGINALD.

[_To Mallory._] Ah, coward, you haven't to wait five years! [_Jane
enters._]

JANE.

Oh, if you please, ma'am, Tyler--

MISS DYOTT, QUECKETT, PEGGY, AND DINAH.

Tyler!

JANE.

Tyler wants to know who is to pay him the reward for being the first to
fetch the fire engines last night?

QUECKETT.

I will!

MISS DYOTT.

No--I will. Tyler has rendered me a signal service. He has demolished
Volumnia College. From the ashes of that establishment rises the Phoenix
of my new career. Miss Dyott is extinct--Miss Delaporte is alive, and,
during the evening, kicking. I hope none will regret the change--I shall
not, for one, while the generous public allow me to remain a Favourite!

THE END.