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THE NURSERYMATOGRAPH

[Illustration: THE NURSERYMATOGRAPH

    PASSED BY THE BOARD
    OF FILM NONSENSERS]




THE NURSERYMATOGRAPH

    BY A LAWYER


    WITH
    INTERLUDICROUSNESS
    BY A PARSON

    AND
    SILLYSTRATIONS
    BY A SERJEANT-MAJOR


    LONDON: JOHN LANE, THE BODLEY HEAD
    NEW YORK: JOHN LANE COMPANY. MCMXXI.




    PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY R. CLAY AND SONS, LTD.,
    BRUNSWICK STREET, STAMFORD STREET, S.E. 1, AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.




    DON'T USE TALLOW CANDLES

    in your machine.

    Pharaoh's lean kine ate the fat kine.

    SPARKES' OXETYLENE KINE-
    matic Lantern.

    ------

    SACK THE LOT!

    But you must have them on the carpet first.

    And you have no carpet.

    So BUY a

    KINE-MAT

    YOUR MONEY RETURNED if we are not

    SATISFIED WITH IT.




_By the same Author_


  FILM-FACE. The story of a Kinematograph Actress. 1893.

  ENCYCLOPÆDIA KINEMATICA. 7 vols. 1895.

  TURNING THE HANDLE. Practical hints to Operators. 1899.

  THE KINEMATOGRAPH FORETOLD. An exhaustive digest of all
    Prophetic utterances regarding the Kinematograph, from the
    birth of Amram to the death of Mrs. Beeton. 13 vols. Folio.
    1930.[A]

   NEBULA OR OCCULTATION. A Poetical Fragment on the Shooting
    of a Kinematograph Star. 1913.




HOW A KINEMATOGRAPH PICTURE IS PRODUCED


1 THE AUDIENCE. This is often deaf, and as often wishes it were. It
pays large money for uncomfortable seats, smoke-laden atmosphere, and
peppermint scenery. It also pays an entertainment tax, and wonders why
it is so called. The front seats applaud the dashing hero, and are
surprised at his coldness, forgetting that he can't hear, oh!

2 THE NAMES OF THE PLAYERS. These are perhaps more important than the
audience, and involve the expenditure of much fine gold to determine
whether Artie Applin is Artie Applin's name or a pseudonymous
inexactitude appropriated to the corporation financing the undertaking.
The answer is in the negative, usually.

3 THE PALACE. Of this there are two kinds. First, the disused theatre,
known as DE LUXE, on the _lucus a non lucendo_ principle, it being
steeped in quintessence of Cimmerian gloom and warmed by diminutive red
lights marked Exit. The other kind is the disused barn, known as the
GEM; of which the brilliance is all outside, and the inside reminds one
of the apocalyptic sardine stone.

4 THE MACHINE AND OPERATOR. These are two hands with but a single
handle, which is turned, but which does not produce the music above
referred to. The Operator is a skilled labourer. His work consists in
lighting the lamp, fixing the film, and turning the handle. This last
is very difficult to perform properly: for not only does the operator
have to keep time to the music above referred to, but he must be
most careful that the villain does not get caught before his pursuers
arrive, and that none of the characters escape from the screen.

[Illustration: _The villain must not get caught too soon._]

5 THE FILM. Everyone knows what a film is and how the photographs are
taken, so it is unnecessary to say anything on this point. It may not,
however, be generally known that all films are transparent in varying
degrees, and that the picture which appears on the screen is caused
by the light from the lantern passing through, or being obstructed
by, the film. That which is dark on the film thus becomes dark on the
screen, and that which is light on the screen is represented by that
which is light on the film. This throws a great deal of light on things
otherwise dark. The apparent movement of the players is produced by
the turning of the before-mentioned handle.

6 THE LEADING LADY'S SMILE. This elusive abstraction is part of the
stock-in-trade of the management. Its cost to the lady is merely the
trouble to contract certain risible muscles, but the contract itself
is more precious than rubies. The rippling smile of golden corn is as
nothing to the golden smile of a rippling actress. It cuts ice. It are
the goods. It is IT some.




INTRODUCTORY ESSAY

ON THE INTELLECTUAL, MORAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL VALUE OF THE
KINEMATOGRAPH AS AN EFFECTIVE AID TO THE EDUCATION OF YOUNG CHILDREN;

OR,

WHAT'S THE GOOD OF IT?


WE have no sympathy with those who maintain that the merely visual
presentment of presentations as presently presented conveys a more
lasting impression to a child's mind than the same thing expressed in
more technical treatment. It is as easy, we hold, to teach a child his
Multiplication Table by _saying_ "Twice two are four" as by _writing_
this questionable statement on a black-board or white sheet.

But we venture to assert, and are prepared to uphold with all the
strength and vigour of our arms--being thereto in duty bound by the
nature of our obligations as members of a civilized community striving
incessantly to banish from the four corners of the earth those
outrageous transgressions against[B]--where were we?--oh, yes. We say
that it _is_ easier to teach a child by means of short pithy sentences
than by long-winded and involved dittoes. Which would a child--which
would you--rather learn, and which would you find easier: the whole of
"Paradise Lost," or the following Kinematic summary:--

    1. Garden of Eden.
    2. Eve steals apple.
    3. Adam shares.
    4. Both expelled from Garden.

It has been thought by many eminent scholastic and preceptual
authorities that this is (1) a good summary; (2) theologically sound;
(3) simple; (4) expressed with some quantity of jerk. And it has been
further pointed out that another of its hidden merits is the ease with
which it can be explained. Not a word in it but will be quite familiar
to the youngest scholar: with two possible exceptions. "Expelled"
(which means "driven out") might be unfamiliar to a child of two; and
"Apple" (at 9_d._ a lb.) might be a forbidden fruit to a child of one
or one and a half.

Q.E.D., therefore. We may regard it as proven that the Kinematograph
has come to stay. _Hinc illae lacrimae_: because, after all, it
destroys eyesight and thus defeats its own purposes; for a blind person
attending a Kinematograph performance must be a _real_ enthusiast.

[Illustration: "_Eminent scholastic and preceptual authorities._"]

FOOTNOTES:

[A] Probably a misprint for 1903.

[B] Extract from old MS. (probably of Guildhall speech).




THE CHILDREN'S HOUR


HUMPTY DUMPTY

1 THE building of the Wall. A strike. A settlement.

2 Humpty Dumpty arrives, and after several ineffectual attempts to
climb, rolls up to the top, where he seats himself.

3 A gust of wind blows him off, dislodging one brick. He falls. He
breaks.

4 He pulls himself together. He has some pull.

5 He applies for summons against Balbus, builder of the wall, for
contributory negligence. To which Balbus replies with a cross-summons
for trespass and nuisance.

6 Humpty Dumpty is asked his age. 23. Nuisance held to be proved. Nasal
organs likewise held. Judge willing to grant injunction, but thinks
con-junction would be more useful after such a dis-junction.

7 King's Proctor intervenes with statement of Royal interest in
plaintiff. Very old friend of family. Elicited that squadron of cavalry
had been sent out to assist.

8 Humpty Dumpty discharged with yellow stains on clothing. Balbus bound
over not to break the pieces.


SIMPLE SIMON

1 THE Pieman makes the pies. Ingredients carefully concealed. The
Pieman's crest: Bacillus Botulorum rampantibus.

2 S. Simon starts off for his unwilling walk, and meets Pieman. His
mouth waters. He is penniless. His eyes water. He is hankeyless. His
nose waters.

3 He accosts the Pieman, who respectfully asks to be allowed a private
view of the colour of his money. No money forthcomes.

4 A passing policeman arrests S. Simon for attempting to obtain goods
under false pretences.

5 The case is heard. Pies produced. Pies heard. Magistrate orders Court
to be cleared and sterilized.

6 Adjourned sitting. Simple Simon is proved to be an undischarged
bankrupt. Discharged accordingly. Pieman bound over to keep the pies.
He pleads for mercy.

7 The Pieman's nightmare. Procession of dogs, cats, horses, and rats,
headed by the Pied Piper. The Pieman's coat-of-arms: On a field
sanguinary semée de Melton Mowbray proper, a microbe vert, armed
cap-à-pie.


SEE-SAW, MARGERY DAW

1 MISS MARGERY DAW'S home in Thibet. Her boudoir. With inimitable
nonchalance she lights a cigarette. She turns pale. She dies. She
disappears from history.

2 Interior of See-saw factory in Honolulu. Visitor sees see-saws. He
sees saws. He sees saucy girls. He sees sore hands. A class is being
instructed on the distribution of weight. He waits and sees.

3 Jenny at work with the weight and see-saw. The foreman arrives and
recriminates. Jenny responds in kind, unkindly. Foreman retires hurt.

[Illustration: _Jenny in the slave market._]

4 Slave market at Jamaica. Jenny on sale, labelled "Slow." Wealthy Turk
is successfully sold, and buys her, being partial to sloe jin. Together
they execute a Turkish trot. (Inset, a Turkish execution.)

5 Jenny in her new master's harem. (Censored.)

6 Jennina out walking, clothed in voluminous tarboosh. Her glad eye.
She is faster than was thought. Her master catches her eye, intended
for a Young Turk, and throws it back.

7 Night. Darkness. Exterior of Harem. A sack descends, falling into
river with long, dull, lingering splash.


DING DONG BELL

1 A LARGE bell rings itself. Grandsire Triples. Its grandsire doubles.

2 A well is dug. Well, well!

3 J. Green, a very small boy, throws a dead cat into the well. It bobs.

4 T. Stout, another very small boy, sits fishing on the edge of the
well. After some hours he pulls out aforesaid cat. Cat goes (or should
go) into the hunt.

5 The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals invokes
the majesty of the law (which is a hass), and attempts to crush J.
Green, ætat 7. (Inset, Johnny's sister feeding Johnny's chicken.)

6 The Royal Humane Society awards Medal and Certificate to T. Stout,
who is much moved. (Inset, Tommy's mother getting Tommy's tea.)

7 The galled jade winces, and the large bell is unrung in Stedman
Triples instead.


                     INTERVAL
                        OF
                    TEN YEARS

               BUT DON'T WASTE TIME

                     GO OUT
                 AND BUY A CUP OF
                     BOVRIL

    It is not the cup that cheers; it is you who
               applaud the contents.


CURLY-LOCKS

1 CURLY-LOCKS and Another washing dishes. Tender passages. The passages
become dark. Another penny is placed in gas-meter.

2 Twenty years later. C. Locks sues unnamed defendant for Breach of
Promise. Many letters are put in and read.

3 First letter:--

    "My ownest Curly-girly,
     Leave the hurly-burly
       Of washing dishes.
     Be my little wifey
     Quick as saying knifey.
       Loving wishes."

Her reply:--"Is this a definitive offer?"

4 Next letter:--

    "Googly-woogle, let the swine
     Feed themselves when you are mine.
     You shall sit on silken seats
     Eating choicest sweety-meats."

Her answer:--

    "Once already I've asked you is it a
     Prop.? Reply to my solicitor."

5 The Jury disagree. They return to Court and ask Judge if plaintiff
may be directed to raise her veil. (Sensation in Court.) She does so.
Judge faints. Jury retire hastily.

6 Verdict unanimously for defendant, with a rider to the effect that
he has had a lucky escape. Plaintiff fined 1_s._ 3_d._ for malicious
persecution, and recommended to have mercy on all men by keeping visor
lowered.


DOCTOR FOSTER

1 MOUNTAIN SCENERY in Gloucestershire. Rain falls. Curtain falls.

2 Foster, the medical student, in his laboratory, cultivating bacteria,
surrounded by stills, alembics, crucibles, etc. His retorts uncourteous
when bitten by tame streptococcus. (Inset, his pet blue-eyed
staphylococcus begging for gelatine.)

3 Secretary of State for War arrives with his Staff. Foster seizes the
staff, which forthwith blossoms. He is invited to accept a Commission.
He demands 12½ per cent.

4 Selection Committee at War Office doubt Foster's skill. He produces
pocket-knife and amputates Serjeant-Major's leg. He amputates both his
own arms. He is accepted, and gazetted Major-General.

5 Proceeding to Gloucester in charge of Ambulance Column, he is caught
in above-mentioned rain. He steps out of his Daimler into a puddle. He
sinks to the waist. He is hauled out with improvised crane. He resolves
not to revisit Gloucester.

6 Being quite armless, he is allowed to indict District Council for
illegal detention.

7 Judge remarks that "he who comes into Equity must come with clean
hands." As General Foster has no hands, and as they would be dirty if
he had, case is dismissed, and he is struck off the Rolls-Royce.


THE MAN IN THE MOON

1 TYCHO BRAHE in his observatory. His telescope (by Dollond) brings the
Moon so close that the Man therefrom slides down the barrel. Tycho is
astonied some.

2 The checking of chronometers--(Inset, the Pagoda at Kew)--shows that
the visitor, travelling by summer time, has arrived too early. He asks
for Ordnance map of Norfolk. T. Brahe replies "Sur-vey victis."

3 The Man from Moon journeys southwards. He arrives at Pampeluna, his
cousin. He is hospitably entertained with pease porridge.

[Illustration: "_He burns his mouth._"]

4 Porridge being made from O T meal, he burns his mouth. He does
the obvious, remarking that some fools would have kept it in. The
gentility of his bringing up is questioned. Sic transit.

5 He is called to the Bar. He orders a split soda. His cousin runs out.
He is run in, for treatment which is not of the nature and quality
demanded. One pussyfoot makes one rude.

6 Ascending in a paravane, he is assumed, as a balloonatic, to be
incapable of managing his affairs, with costs on the High Court Scale,
and the custody of the weights thereunto belonging. The Man in the Moon
is deceitful upon the weights. He is altogether lighter than alimony.




THE FIREPROOF CURTAIN

IS LOWERED at least once during each chapter in accordance with
instructions from the Ministry of Wealth shortly to be established.

You will not, however, be invited to invest your savings, as by that
time you will not have any.

Therefore, now, while the cash is hot in your pocket (or your
stocking), take a stroll down Ludgate Hill, and see other and more
useful Curtains (and Carpets, too).

Might Sir William Treloar be described as a "Carpet Knight"? No, he is
a Baronet; and though there may be scions of many a genealogical tree
higher there is only one Treloar.


TOM, TOM, THE PIPER'S SON

1 A PEACEFUL farmyard in Macedonia. A herd of swine is collecting
pearls in silk purses. Swine are more precious in the Balkans than good
women.

2 Thomas, the Greek, arrives. He is not a Jew. He despises jewellery
and loves pork. He steals a pig. (Inset, the squeal thereof.)

3 Thomas retires to a shady nook and consumes the pig. He regrets it.
So does the pig. Crackling is heard.

4 Tom's father, with his pipe. Pipe goes out. Father goes in. (This is
a striking scene.)

5 Thomas descends the street roaring. He is in real pain. Mumm is not
the word.

6 Action for assault and barratry, Thomas _v._ Pater. Judge rules that
plaintiff has saved his bacon, and defendant is let off with a fine for
being accessory after the fat.


OLD KING COLE

1 EXTERIOR view of Royal Palace. Interior of same--Dining Hall, Piping
Room, Bowling Alley, Fiddling Saloon. Queen Cole's allotment. (Inset, a
few vegetables grown by the Princess Anthracite.)

2 The King calls for his pipe. No reply. Boy in street is heard calling
"Paiper." Exit the King to buy one.

3 The King calls for his bowl. No reply. He takes from adjacent peg his
bowler, which he dons.

4 The King calls for his three fiddlers. No reply. Eventually enter
three fiddles with low bows. The King picks one up, and begins to play.
Many dogs come about him, and sit around howling.

5 A crowd arrives, kneeling, and praying him to desist. Not having
a crown on, the King borrows half-a-crown from each member of the
congregation. This is apt to confound a fellow kneeling, so they rise.

6 The King thus assisting them to rise is hailed as King Borwick I.,
afterwards altered, on better acquaintance, to King Borrowit.

7 Having the fiddlers hanged on lamp-posts leads to misprision of trees
on the green. But the King can do no wrong. He goes to write, and is
left alone.


TAFFY WAS A WELSHMAN

1 MOUNTAIN scenery in Wales. Cricket at Criccieth. Stoolball at
Llyngwllws.

2 Taffy at school, stealing marbles from playmates, while they steal a
march on him. The Welsh Marches.

3 Taffy arrives at my house, and makes guarded enquiries as to location
of larder. His questions parried. We retire to sleep.

4 Next morning. Taffy missing. Leg of beef ditto. I go to Taffy's
residence, and find him in bed. Only available ornament in bedroom,
Bones, Marrow, 1. This I hurl at his head, and make tracks.

5 Applying at Police Station for protection against Taffy's murderous
intentions, I am examined as to causes precedent. It is suggested that
legs of beef are unusual joints to purchase at 1_s._ 8_d._ a week.
Dislike the suggestion, and propose to walk out in dudgeon.

6 Dudgeon aforesaid discounted by slipping on banana-skin.
Uncontrollable Food Controller accuses me of hoarding food. I refer him
to Taffy, but he has hidden the goods in a teacup labelled "Bullo."

7 Chorus of Welsh bards, "Alas! my poor brother."




A

LETTER OF APPRECIATION

TO THE

AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK


    PICTURE PALACE MANSIONS,
    BUCKINGHAM,
    1st April, 00.

GENTLEMEN,

_I am desirous of informing you that, if Sir James Brownton-Cricht,
M.D., ever reported to the Lunacy Commissioners that I attempted to
take my life there was not the slightest truth in the rumour, until I
read your book._

    _Yours faithfully_,
    JOSEPH MILLER, _Junr._




SPECIMENS OF KINEMATIC PEDAGOGY

LANGUAGES


FRENCH

A GARDEN. My aunt. She meets the gardener, who introduces his aunt to
her. My mother and father arrive with the gardener's mother and father.
They mutually interrogate regarding the localization of a missing pen.
They divide up into search parties, chanting "Where is the pen of the
gardener's aunt?" Alas! if only there were an answer, it would lead to
the next question, "Where is my Chardenal?"


LATIN

Enter Mr. Pickford (not Mary's father), bearing a large table in six
cases. The consignee removes all the cases, and the table is declined.
A Lord walks across the screen. He looks like a War Lord. He is
declined. A Boy and a Master come in. The boy deprives the Master of
his e'es. They go out together botanizing, and find consonant stems;
and here endeth the lesson.


ITALIAN

Un leone and Una. Una feels il. The doctor asks what is the matter.
Uno, she says, and takes Eno. She gets lo, but pluralizes with gli.
So do i. Enter Dante dreaming of Rossetti. He meets Beatrice (when on
Holliday) and thinks it a divine comedy, till he finds she doesn't
cary.


GERMAN

A dachshund across the screen walked has. A butcher him met has. He a
sausage becomes, and the customers the rine watch. C'est magnifique,
mais ce n'est pas lager.


GREEK

Delos, Samos, and the Wooden one, disputing as to Homer's birthplace.
The Swan of Avon (follow me, Leda!) claims to have laid two eggs which
produced the Dove of Peace and a Homer pigeon. Pi. Eta. Internal
irregularities. The middle voice. The temporal augment, 100 per cent.,
or the perfect reduplication. Mu. Kata. On the tiles. The Attic
dialect, heard when alpha beta. O Phi.


HEBREW

Aleph ben Jonson enters very very softly. He is of no value as a
vocalist. His bosom friend, Ayin, makes the sound of a subdued and
home-sick calf. Together they irregularize many verbs, and play havoc
with vowels. They juggle with pronominal suffixes, but, being true
Israelites without guile, they make something out of it. Their children
play in the talmud and chew targum.


ARABIC

The screen is far to sheik, and the auditorium becomes a desert. The
pianist plays "The camels are coming," and Mahmoud el Ibrahim, who has
been badly jehad, is placed as an alko ran. Arrival of Kismet at Mecca.
The magic Carpet. The Bashaw of ten tails. The cat of nine ditto. Gum
Arabic. Chewing ditto. Shaking the spearmint.


SHORTHAND

A pitman duploying to the left in fours. He encounters a grammalogue,
from which, after a bloody struggle, he removes the vowels. He takes
the third place, and crosses the line. He continues to march forward
with sinuous curves, making a sharp angle round Amen corner.


CHINESE

Confucius at home. He invents pictureless Kinematographs and
featureless films. He calls on Ming, who has but Wun Lung. Go Hang,
says Ming. This causes confucion. So he returns to Ping Pong.

[Illustration: "_This causes Confucion._"]


RUSSIAN

[Illustration: "_They hunt the wily samovar._"]

Vodka, disguised as a Bolshevik, is in love with Popoffski. In Siberia
they hunt the wily samovar. They find a Russian toffee mine, and
thereout suck they no small advantage. They come to Pskoff, but remain
at Prague; and live happily until Vodka climbs up the Lenin Poland
falls off.


ASSYRIAN

Sennacherib folded up like a wolf. He unfolds, and his cuneiform is
seen to be that of a man-headed lion. His pal Assurbani meets him in
his chariot, arrow drawn to head. They conjugate the permansive of
Ittanafal, and recite the numerals as far as ninety-nineveh.


SPANISH

Onions. Chestnuts. Sancho Panza and his servantes. A Don approaches
on a mule, slowly. Sancho sizes him up as a keen sahib, and enquires
"Quien sabe?" They play matador, pompadour, and toreador. The dago is
then shown another door, and a bull-fight ensues. When will the day go?


HINDUSTANI

The plains, with hilly tails. Jubbul, pore fellow, attends the Delhi
Durbar in Sanskrit character, but finds it difficult to keep his place.
As his character must change with his position, he is hard put to it.
Slinging the bat. Pawning the rooty. The Towers of Silence. Bukhing
up to pass the Parsees. Pas par ici à Paris. Suttee. Sikh itur ad
astrachan. Nepaul plus ultramarine.




WELMANISM


I HAVE found it. A vast, colossal, even terrifying discovery, is mine.

Descendant of a hundred Earls; more mutton-headed than the sheep which
daily entangle themselves in my motor; with no hope (save the Telephone
service); I now see Empires at my feet.


I NEARLY MISSED IT

For four years, with trembling hands have I opened my paper--only to
dash it with fury into the grate as my eyes caught the hated word. I
changed my paper until I had to change my stationer.

One day I bought the Parish Magazine of St. Sous Without. Could it
be possible? My lips were dry, so that I could not turn the pages. I
sucked an acidulated drop. Like a Bank clerk counting Bradburys and
Fishers, or like the autumn, I turned the leaves, and scanned them with
a feverish zeal. It was not there!


RENAISSANCE

In a moment my mind was made up. My hand went to my breast-pocket--my
Bank book (also made up). I wrote a postcard, sent a telegram, a
special messenger, Carter Paterson, and went myself in a cab. As I
entered the vast Institute I threw into the area the bottle of medicine
I had that morning purchased for this effect.


THE HOME OF EFFICIENCY

I was flung into a lift; whirled aloft; flung out. I rose from my hands
and knees, and found myself in the presence of a small boy wearing the
ribbons of every known and unknown order. "Sign please," he demanded.
I found my cheque-book open on the desk. I signed. I saved myself by
catching the basement landing. Five men followed bearing literature.


A NEW WORLD

I opened the first pamphlet. My head swelled immediately. Development
had begun to commence starting already. I wrote a letter to the _Daily
Whale_. It was not published. I knew myself upon the path to greatness.
My horizon was enlarged.

I discarded my glasses and led from a singleton. While shaving I
invented a lock for motor-cars and a solution of the Irish Problem; I
unravelled the Russian tangle and elaborated a new Tango; I designed a
rat-proof barn and went to breakfast.


AMONGST MY FELLOWS

An enormous crowd at the Tube Station. I read one sentence from
Pamphlet 2, and I was seated in the train; another sentence and the
train started.

I called at the Bank of England, and informed a very gentlemanly young
fellow that my income would soon be £5,000 a year by the Welmanometer.
He was superficially interested, and I was conducted to the vaults. I
was presented with a spade. I have not known an idle moment since.




"THOU SHALT DO NO MURDER"


1 GEORGE teaching in Sunday School. He is snubbed by the lady
superintendent. He becomes tired of life.

[Illustration: "_Shoots the salesman._"]

2 He buys a revolver, and shoots the salesman. As he goes home he
shoots two policemen and an apple woman. Too easy. He exchanges the
revolver for Winchester Repeating Rifle.

3 He hires an aeroplane to circle above his house. As people watch
it, from his bedroom window he picks off twenty-three. He tires. He
purchases two pennyworth of rat-poison.

4 He visits the Kitchen of a large Hotel, and very unostentatiously
drops the poison in the soup. 137 deaths due to misadventure.

5 He sets fire to the Grand Theatre. 5,022 persons burned to death
alive. On his way home, carrying a cubic foot of dynamite, he is
arrested. (Sensation.)

6 He drops the parcel and escapes. He is tracked. He is sighted. (More
sensation.) He eludes pursuit, and is never recaptured. He lives
happily ever after, and still retains a warm spot in his heart for the
lady who helped to teach him how to live.




MORE KINEMATIC PEDAGOGY


GEOLOGY

THE crust of the earth. The crumb. A plio scene. An eo scene. Laminated
strata of neolithic oolite. Sandstone. Sugar stone. Plum stone.
Outcrop of turnips in wealden clay. Fly in amber. Flyin machine.
Prehistoric man on the rocks. Author also on the rocks. Arrival of a
megalokinemastodontichthyosaurus. His jaw breaks. The camera breaks.


POLITICAL ECONOMY

Relation between wages and work. Comparison impossible. The wealth of
the individual. N/S Nil. The wealth of nations. Adam Shame. Specimens
of bimetallic coinage. Paper currents. Their raison d'être. King
Charles I. demanding supplies. Ministry of Food supplying demands. Not
half. Foreign Exchanges. Germany's low-water Mark. Francness on the
Bourse. The Rouble trouble. Millionaires playing with agricultural
returns, or baccarrot.


SCIENCE

Fair Science frowning on an humble birth. Her deeper frown on
sulphuretted hydrogen. Demonstrator upsets nitric acid. Specific
gravity of class upset. The Torricellian vacuum. Cleaning the vacuum.
(Inset, the vacuum cleaner; can be used for the head.) The wet-and-dry
bulb. Johnson's hydrometer. Converting a pussyfoot into liquid measure
with caustic soda water. Electrolysis. Analysis. Paralysis.


BOOK-KEEPING

A double cash column marches through the double entry. It reads the
journal. A Post Office. The ledger is posted. It is put on the scales,
but won't balance. It is returned to drawer for re-check. While books
are in the drawer they cannot be kept. When they are posted they cannot
be retained. Therefore Book-keeping is impossible.


ARCHÆOLOGY

The Temple of Leonidas in Valparaiso. A papyrus is discovered. It is
found to be dated B.C. 5000, and written in Scotch. Sinn Feiners at
work deciphering. The finding of the key. The document is a recipe for
utilizing the sharpenings of pencils to make iron joists. A limited
company is formed to exploit the process. Present address, Carey Street.


NUMISMATICS

Specimens of various rare coins. A sovereign. Two sovereigns. A
half-sovereign. Obverse. Reverse. Perverse. Coins not quite so rare. A
half-crown. It is given away in error between two threepenny-bits. A
sixpence. It goes bang. A small coin is shown, which gradually recedes
into the borderland between visibility and invisibility. It is then
seen to be a far thing.


ALCOHOLISM

A field of potatoes in full ear. One of the Old Guard at Waterloo
(Station). He is conscribed. Ten years later: not yet promoted. Twenty
years after: he is a private still. He distils a potato by suction. He
becomes intoxicated by the protuberance of his own pomposity. He tries
to say Truly rural. He attempts to uphold the British Constitution. He
walks across a chalk mark. Hic transit.


PHILATELY

A stampede. Enter an ardent collector wiping the perforation. He forges
ahead, but is discovered by absence of watermark. His duplicate marches
in like a lamb from mint source. He is in rare condition, having been
surcharged with a plate number. He is absolutely used up. Post mortem.




VERGER WHITE, DETECTIVE


1 VERGER WHITE and his pet tortoise Ermyntrude. White is playing the
trombone, while Ermyntrude is running up and down the curtains.

[Illustration: "_A Client arrives._"]

2 A client arrives. White puts away the trombone, tells his client what
he has come for, and the name of the person who committed the burglary
with violence. The client agrees, noting subconsciously that White has
a habit of flapping his left ear when thinking deeply.

3 White takes the case. It is a case of whiskey, which the client has
thoughtfully provided. He turns up a file of the Quiver, and reads
through the Postal Guide.

4 He finds what he wants. He calls Ermyntrude and starts off. He takes
a taxicab to Waterloo, and goes by train to Richmond.

5 He returns to Hammersmith, takes a motor-bus to Barnes, and train
back to Waterloo. Having thus thrown off his pursuers, he walks to
Vauxhall, followed by Ermyntrude.

6 He secures assistance from local police and fire brigade, and between
them they arrest the supposititious criminal--a blind paralytic.

7 White is rewarded with the Freedom of Tooting Bee and a complimentary
dinner at The Stag, Kennington. Responding to the toast of "Our
Greatest Detective," he returns the compliment by Tooting on the
trombone. He remains under the table, flapping his left ear, while
Ermyntrude sleeps coiled up in the instrument.




THE TOPICAL BUDGET

LIFE IN THE NAVY. BY A SOLDIER


1 THE RATINGS AT THEIR WORK. The Sailor sailing the boat. Midshipman
finding the centre of the ship. Boatswain balancing himself to prevent
the boat swaying. Purser collecting purses. Assistant Paymaster
assisting the Paymaster. Paymaster paying Officers in their own coin.
The Lootnant looting. The First Lootnant saluting. The Commodore
commodoring. Post Captain delivering the mails. Admiral with his baton
and broom.

2 FLYING THE BLUE PETER. Popular sport. Whole crew paraded to watch.
Peter, a young lady-bird, is first dipped in sulphate of copper. A rope
is attached to the maintopgallant staysail, while the other end is
fastened to Peter's leg. The band plays "O for the wings of a dove,"
and Peter is prodded with a marlin-spike till he flies.

3 WEIGHING THE LEAD. The cook brings his scales on to the bridge. The
sailors swing the lead in turn, endeavouring to lodge it on the scales.
Only the oldest sailors can do it properly, as it requires much knack.
When it settles on the scales it is weighed by a waiter.

4 SPLICING THE MAINBRACE. (This is one of the pair worn by the Captain,
and often bursts under the strain of responsibility.) The two ends are
unravelled, adjusted, twisted, intertwined, and finally wrapped round
and round with sailors' yarn. Very telling.

5 SHIVERING THE TIMBERS. The carpenters parade with adzes and belaying
pins. The timber is pinned to the running blocks. Carpenters remove
their hose. Cold water is turned on to the timber from the hose. If the
temperature is too high, it is almost impossible to make the timbers
shiver.




THE TOPICAL BUDGET

LIFE IN THE ARMY. BY A SAILOR


1 PHYSICAL JERKS. The Doctor in his dispensary. The Army enters
one by one. Each man is recorded as A1, then examined with an
empty stethoscope without lenses. He is told he has a tendency to
appendicitis, and is given a bottle of N.Y.D. As he leaves the room he
jerks the physic through the porthole. Hence the name.

2 CHEWING THE RAG. (All soldiers do it.) Rags of various kinds. The
Serjeant-major's. The A.S.C. (more usual). The rag before chewing.
It looks _something_ like a ration. Group of old sweats chewing the
same. Enter Orderly Officer: "Any complaints?" He vanishes. Chewing is
resumed, but the rag is never consumed.

3 DUCK-SHOVING. (Pastime invented by Drake.) A pair of white ducks is
tethered to the last post. Each soldier has a drum, which he tries to
beat with a duck's drumstick. As soon as one soldier seizes a duck,
another soldier pushes the duck away. The game is played with great
fierceness, and causes much amusement, especially to the ducks.

4 DRAWING RATIONS. A huge pair of ration pinchers advances on the
Purser. A tin of bully is extracted, sounding like a gramophone. An
officer intervenes with the remark: "You can't have that; this is a
pickle day." He whistles. The tin returns to store. A case of rum is
pinched. The officer smiles. He knows it is lime-juice.

5 SQUARE-PUSHING. This sport requires much secrecy, and no soldier will
tell you how _he_ does it. The youngest recruit is sent for the key
of the square. The older soldiers don special boots for the function.
Mounted services wear special spurs, whose rowels sound like an harp.
The order is then given, "On the hands, down," and the square is
pushed. The older birds slope off.




THRILLING ADVENTURES ROUND THE NORTH POLE


1 THE expedition starts. Josie. Frank Ashburningham. The mascot (a
giraffe). The ship sails from Stoke Newington. Portions of the crowd
which sees them off.

2 Passing the Hebrides. Off Plymouth Sound. The Mountains of Maughan.
Sunrise on Popocatapetl. Icebergs off Bombay. Moonlight effects on
Streatham Common. Mascot dies of tonsilitis.

3 First glimpses of unknown land. Closer acquaintance proves it to be
Greenland. Josie maintains it is Iceland. The thermometer falls lower
than the mercury, which therefore boils under atmospheric pressure.
Mascot dies of beri-beri.

4 Crossing the ice. (Note the tracks of Josie's high heels.) A barrier.
It is removed. A snow-drift. It is removed. Mascot dies of trench feet.
Warm clothing a necessity. Good old Thermos.

5 More ice. The aneroid measures only 1,437 miles from the Pole.
Forward! Mascot dies of misfeasance. Josie has a touch of sunstroke.
They proceed under great difficulties.

6 The rigour of the North. Nearing the Pole. Cutting it short. Four
miles further. Mascot dies of aniline. Waiting for day-break. The start
of the last lap. Sighting the Pole.

7 Arrival at the Pole. The Scotsman comes to greet them, and asks for a
pinch of snuff. Mascot dies of erudition. The return to Blighty.




    THE POLYPHONIC CLOTHING
    COMPANY, LTD

    BARKING ROAD, FIFE


    ECONOMY

    The Godiva Gown.
    Heard but not seen.


    HEALTH

    The Concho Corset.
    Be concave where now convex.


    HOSIERY

    Our unmendable stockings.

    Unwashable.
    Untearable.
    Unmentionable.

Sold in tins with camel-hair brush. One application lasts for years.


GARTERS

Embroidered silk, with phonograph attachment.


BOOTS.

Try our Gondola Shoes for ease and comfort.

Room for luggage within weight allowed to second-class passengers.
Scooters extra. Hooters unnecessary.


HATS. HATS. HATS.

May be worn at angle guaranteed to go into any ordinary-sized taxi.
Opaque. Indestructible. Grow real flowers which change with season.
Special terms for vegetables and exotics.


LINGERIE

The last word in femininity: therefore noisy. So constructed that the
rustling distinctly articulates the name of each garment.


BE DISTINGUÉ.

Wearers of our clothing are heard every day in all the papers. See
Police Reports.




OUR GREAT NEW FEATURE

SCENES FROM MODERN LIFE


THE Cabinet at work inventing a form to be filled in. The Red Tape Worm
(_Toenia Rubescens_) in great form. Its bite poisons with formic
acid. H.M. Stationery Office printing forms. Standing Committee sitting
on forms.

[Illustration: _The Crushing Chamber for Humorists._]

The Lower Classes learning to count measles. A lesson in defence
against offensive tactics. The casual Ward computing death duties.
The Crushing Chamber for humorists. Mother of twenty (all under five)
trying to remember children's names and ages.

The Upper Classes. How to evade the Law. What is a hundred pounds?
What is six months in gaol? Quids or quod? Advantages of wealth.
Circumventing the Inquisition. The Reformation. Forms for Bankrupts.
The I.O. diform. The abstruser forms. Chloroform. End of the
performance. Transformation scene.

The International Correspondence College for Post-Graduate Diplomas in
Form-filling. The Principal. The Secretary. Forming fours. Forty-seven
thousand of the students. Lectures. Exposition of Form by Maud o' that
ilk. Formula for same.




KINEMATIC MATHEMATICS

ARITHMETIC


DECIMALS seated round the Multiplication Table. They perform evolutions
and involutions, till one is transformed by a duodenary ulcer. An
escape of gas. They find the scenty meter, and measure it with a rule
of three feet. They practice. They share stocks out of all proportion.
Enter a herring and a half, which they decide to Pendle bury.


MUSIC

Dramatis Personæ: Major C.; a miner; and a common cord. The dominant
personality of the Major resolves the miner into such a dire state that
he needs a dire tonic. In less than a diminished second his whole tone
is raised. (Double sharp work, what?) He takes a breve rest, quavering
with a minimum of divergent emotion in the effort to be natural. _Eheu
fugue asses!_ They nearly forte, but the discord was inverted by the
Major's apologiatura, which was as handsomely chromatic as his socks.


ALGEBRA

Enter a fraction. (Censored, as too vulgar.) Problem plays and
multinomial theorems are added to and subtracted from him, when
a quadratic (half mulatto, half white) arrives, and removes his
brackets. This reduces him to tears and lowest terms, and he is rapidly
factorized. Treating the absurd with sum series-ness, he regains his
expansion, permuting his functions to accord with the senary. The
equation, like justice, is satisfied.

BUILDING

The bricklayer enters an inn and pays his footing with a Flemish
Bond. He takes a header through the window, and is carried off on a
stretcher, being unable to keep the perpends. The template filled with
trench mortar. The bricklayer on the scaffold. His last moments. He
falls into a putlog hole. Tying knots in a tiebeam. The falling eaves.
Eaves dropping.


GEOMETRY

1 (Euclid I. 5.) Scene, an Isosceles triangle. Enter the two angles
at the base. They build a bridge of asses. (This is unnecessary, but
usual.) They have a tug-of-war. Neither can move the other. Therefore
they are equal.

2 (Euclid I. 20.) Scene, a Triangle. Enter the three sides. Two of
these are carrying a large grater. They are therefore greater than the
other side.

3 (Euclid I. 46.) Enter a Policeman, model of rectitude, representing a
given straight line. His hollowed rearward hand receives a coin. He is
squared.

4 (Euclid I. 47.) Scene, a right-angled Triangle. Enter A.B., an
hypotenuse. He makes his claim. Enter two other sides, Jachin and Boaz.
They square up. A.B. knocks both down, proving that he is equal to both
of them together.

PREFACE[C]

The object of this book is to show the educational possibilities of the
Kinematograph, as applied to almost any subject. It does not pretend to
exhaustiveness, though it will be found somewhat exhausting. Several
examples are given of the way in which pedagogic methods should be
used, though many matters have been left severely alone.

[Illustration: "_The way in which pedagogic methods should be used._"]

Before a child walks unaided, he runs. Before he runs he crawls. Let
him therefore crawl through his Kinematic Alphabet (omitted from this
book) before proceeding to the abstruser Kinematic Nursery Rhymes
(which will give him a good groundwork in Kinematic Law). Thence he
will skim through Kinematic Languages, Kinematic Mathematics, and
certain Kinematic Sciences; and so on to Kinematic Art, Kinematic
Politics, and Kinematic Medicine (which form the subject of a separate
work).[D]

FOOTNOTES:

[C] Apparently misplaced.

[D] See Vol. II. of this work, "The Donkimatograph," by Pr. Apsnot.




THE POOR YE HAVE ALWAYS


1 A SNOWSTORM. A ragged woman holding a bundle (presumably a fatherless
child). She sits on the Embankment steps. A policeman moves her on.

2 She moves on. She goes to the front door of the Hotel Splendide. She
sees the lights within. She is turned away.

3 She goes to the Hotel Magnifical. She sees the warmth on the
window-panes. She is repulsed again.

4 She moves on. She goes into the Strand and begs from the passers-by.
A few give her small coins, many give her nothing.

5 A policeman moves her on. She goes to the Police Station. She is
turned away.

6 She goes to her home in Park Lane, and writes a cheque to pay her
bridge debts.




DEATHBREATH THE CROOK


A BENT elderly man seated at a table covered with chemical apparatus.
Men stand round in gas-masks, for his breath is death.

[Illustration]

As his men watch, Deathbreath drinks from a small bottle. He
immediately vanishes. A crook rushes forward. Suddenly he throws up his
arms and falls. Deathbreath reappears, with arm outstretched, as from
punching someone.

"I have discovered the secret of invisibility." He disappears again.

(Film continues for ten minutes, showing nothing.)

    ANOTHER EPISODE

    OF

    DEATHBREATH THE CROOK
    NEXT WEEK.




WHAT A DRINK IS WORTH


CASTE

    Roaring Pete            MR. BEERBOHM IRVING.
    Tootsie Wootsie         MISS PORTIA BORDEAUX.
    The Medicine Man        WHISKEY WILSON
                              (Special engagement).
    Medicine Man's Squaw    MME. GLOUGLOU CHIANTI.
                 Cowboys, Indians, Beer.

DEAD DOG GULCH

(Film aborts.)

DEAD DOG

(Film aborts.)

DEAD DOG GULCH, MINING SETTLEMENT

(Film aborts.)

(After several scenes and incidents have passed too quickly for
contemplation,)

Bar full of Cowboys. Enter

ROARING PETE,

slouching, head forward, chin projecting, a shooting iron in each hand,
bowie between his teeth, swords stuck in his puttees. He is hailed with
shouts and cocktails.


THE MEDICINE MAN,

an old Indian, stands on sidewalk, scratching his head with great
earnestness and a piece of tile. He looks at bar; smacks his lips;
points; evidently intends entering to obtain

FIRE WATER.

[Illustration: "WHAT A DRINK IS WORTH."

_The Caste._]

He stands with hand on latch, ruminating. A picture of Home rises
before him--his old Squaw sitting wistfully in wigwam, grasping old
hatchet. He at once enters.


TOOTSIE WOOTSIE,

the saloon-keeper's daughter, comes into saloon: golden hair down to
waist, and riding costume. She rushes to Roaring Pete. Roaring Pete
rushes to her. Enter Medicine Man, who gets embraced between them. Loud
curses. Much gun-play. Exit Medicine Man. Counter, chairs, tables,
bottles, hats, boots, and curses, follow him. Boot hits him in rear. He
bolts with boot. He swears revenge.

[Illustration: _Young Chief's speech_]


SEEING RED

Indian Encampment. Medicine Man beating drum. Galloping ponies, firing
Winchesters and automatics. Ring of stern faces. Background, ring of
roses. Medicine Man harangues; shows boot; shows mark where it hit him.
Excited execrations. Young chief advances, obviously saying "Wow!"
Desperate attention secured at this unusual beginning. He outlines
his plan--a night raid to capture Paleface Squaw. Before he finishes,
Indians dash for ponies and gallop into the night.


TOOTSIE WOOTSIE

discovered undressing. She removes her blouse. She removes her riding
sk----

(Film aborts.)

Tootsie in her dressing-gown, about to say her guileless prayer.
Hideous face at window. She screams and shoots. Face shouts with pained
surprise. It is Roaring Pete. "What have I done?" Tootsie dashes to
window and hurls herself out. As she leaves the sill--

(Film aborts.)


THE START

Dark figures stealing through the bushes. They appear to be searching
for something. Chief stubs his toe. Mentions it. Tomahawked immediately
by Medicine Man. Fierce rustle of excitement (heard in gallery) as they
catch sight of Tootsie kneeling by Roaring Pete. Medicine Man says
"Charge!" Tomahawks young Chief for asking "How much?"


CAPTURE OF TOOTSIE WOOTSIE

Proposal that she be allowed to dress is vetoed by unanimous tomahawk.
Tootsie Wootsie struggles madly to keep her dressing-gown round her.


THEIR ONE MISTAKE

Medicine Man reaches through window and collars a Gollywog. Child
screams and appears at window. Indians vamoose with Tootsie Wootsie,
mount their horses, and vanish into the dawn.

Child rushes out in nightshirt to Sheriff's house. Shakes him. Fails to
wake him. Seizes brandy bottle and puts it to his lips. Sheriff wakes
at once. While he is taking a pull, child explains. "Indians taken my
Golly." As Sheriff leaps out of bed--

(Film aborts.)

Cowboys mounting as they gallop off. Sheriff takes child on pommel, and
dashes off into the afternoon.


THE INDIAN ENCAMPMENT

A War Dance. Tootsie Wootsie lying bound. She is placed on a pile of
faggots. Young brave with torch. Medicine Man, with sacrificial knife
uplifted, addresses her: "Will you marry me?" Tootsie simpers:

"This is so sudden."

Medicine Man infuriated. He executes a primordial dance. He repeats:
"Will you marry me?" Tootsie Wootsie breaks her bonds, throws her
arms about him, and whispers "Yes, dear." Howls of rage. Medicine Man
steps back. His squaw hits him with blunt hatchet. Another young Chief
steps forward, waving captured Gollywog. Medicine Man seizes it; holds
it by off hand; waves minatory knife. Tootsie Wootsie screams again,
"Spare poor Golly, and I will release thee." Medicine Man demands it in
writing.


THE SAME, CONTINUED

Papyrus and stylo produced. Tootsie Wootsie is about to sign when
Medicine Man crumples into heap. Cowboys appear on galloping ponies.
Much gun-play. Much cursing. Wild melée. Child seizes gollywog.
Indian seizes Tootsie Wootsie, and hurls her over cliff. She falls
approximately two miles, when--

(Film aborts.)

... Roaring Pete, struggling towards dropped flask. He reaches it. It
is empty. He gets up in a rage. He feels himself. "What's the good of
being wounded when the flask's empty?"

He dashes for pony and lights out for anywhere. As he passes foot of
precipice, someone falls on his head. Falls off. He rubs his head with
curses and quirt, and examines the missile. It is Tootsie Wootsie.
(Sensation in the front seats.)




SECOND PART FOLLOWS IMMEDIATELY


A LOVERS' QUARREL

"Please explain how you come to be so far distant from home in your
night attire."

Tootsie Wootsie walks off the screen in a huff.


    THIRD PART
    OF THIS THRILLING SERIAL,

    Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,

    NEXT WEEK.




RINGING THE CHANGES


1 BUNCLE spends a week-end in Mexico. He joins a Revolution. He
wins. As a reward he is shown the ancient Aztec Temples. He enters
the Cortes, and is initiated into the Mysteries. Poking the hontas.
Mounting the Zuma.

2 An old priestess tells him a secret. He retires with a ruddy blush.
An old priest gives him a phial, explaining that it contains the Liquor
of Creation, enabling the owner to create what he wills. The yarn licks
creation.

3 At Brighton Station. A crowd. No seats. Buncle creates an armchair.
Seats himself. Angry exclamations. Porter politely requests him to
move. He refuses. More politeness. Inspector fetched. Indicates
distinction between heavy goods traffic and passengers' luggage. Buncle
rises. As porter embraces chair, Buncle changes it into a bag of soot.
The train arrives.

4 Buncle seats himself in train, and creates an outsize Newfoundland
dog. Inspector objects. Tries to seize dog, which becomes a toy
Pomeranian. Inspector grasps air. He sees the Pom, and grabs. Pom
becomes hedgehog. Inspector utters cursory remarks and returns to
platform. While he examines his hands, hedgehog becomes giraffe, which
affectionately licks his ear.

[Illustration: _The giraffe licks the Inspector's ear._]

5 Inspector desperate. He summons whole station staff, who proceed to
drive giraffe away. It becomes an old woman of garrulous type, who
prettily thanks them for their courtesy, but appeals to police for
protection. As friendly constable shepherds her through crowd, she
incontinently becomes a steam-roller. The crowd dissipates, while the
steam-roller calmly changes to a child's perambulator. As the officials
approach, this becomes an aeroplane, which rises with soft purring as
train bears Buncle away to Preston Park.




IN THE WOOLLY WEST


1 TEN cowboys rounding up cattle for branding into essence; one is used
as the brand.

2 Nine cowboys cattle-punching; one is used as the punch.

3 Eight cowboys sitting round the camp-fire; one is used as fuel.

4 Seven cowboys putting on spurs; one is used to test them.

5 Six cowboys forming a settlement; one is used as the settlement.

6 Five cowboys squatting; one is used to squat upon.

7 Four cowboys pegging out a claim; one is used as the peg.

8 Three cowboys playing poker; one is used as the poker.

9 Two cowboys blazing a trail; one is used as the trail.

10 One cowboy poses for a kinematograph. And that is more than
sufficient.

[Illustration: "_Three cowboys playing poker_"]




THE KINEMATIC GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP


1 BRADE climbing holly-tree to recover lost club. Secretary demurs.
It is pointed out that this is exhibition play. Something tears.
Exhibition expected. It is only braid. Tailor summoned hastily.

2 Fardon's drive. Fardon the ages now. Its journey well begun. It
strikes a toompty. Then rolls on. He holes a five in one.

3 Teeing off the caddy. A spoon shot. A pull. Very hot. A dead stymie.
Poor little thing! Humanity prevails. Military honours. Dormy one.

4 Brade haz 'ard luck in a hazard. He digs. "Having no spade, partner?"
Bunker replaced by onlookers. Several onlookers replaced in bunker.

5 Casual water. Pulling Fardon out of a well without penalty. One up
and the deuce to pay. Brade plays puff-ball in mistake for golf-ball.
Bystanders appreciably thinning. Overtaking a foursome. A threesome.
Loathesome.

6 The end of the game. Part of the ritual of golf. Panorama of moving
figures running off for gin and ginger. The Sunningdale Arms. Arm in
arm. Links. Unlinked. "Not stopping this side of Virginia Water."




THREE PROBLEM PLAYS


I.--SHOULD SHE HAVE WORN THEM?

LADY GERTRUDE seated at breakfast table. Eggs, ham, bacon, kidneys,
kippers, etc. Lady Gertrude helps herself to all except the last.

Sir Anthony enters late. She glares at him while he seats himself.
Butler offers him everything in turn, but each dish is waved away by
Lady Gertrude. At last he seizes a kipper on his fork. He takes one
bite. It is snatched away by Lady Gertrude and thrown at the cat. He
takes a piece of toast, but is unable to secure margarine or marmalade.
He breakfasts.

At the front door. Sir Anthony stands waiting. Hunting garb complete,
except that he wears black trousers instead of white breeches. A friend
arrives on horseback, and indicates, "Coming to the meet in those?" Sir
Anthony jerks thumb in direction of Lady Gertrude, and points to his
trousers.

    (Solution in next week's local paper.)


II.--SHOULD THEY HAVE GONE?

Angelina elopes with Edwin. Angelina's father pursues them, but fails
to overtake them until they are married. Angelina's mother arrives and
bursts into tears. A snowstorm. No conveyance available except tandem
bicycle with sidecar and trailer. Edwin has hired this, and proposes to
start directly after lunch. Angelina's father and mother implore. Edwin
declines. Angelina is neutral.

Finding, however, that trailer is certain to get unfastened by
vibration, and that no one can possibly remain seated in sidecar, Edwin
agrees to take passengers. They start. Trailer slips off backwards down
long hill. Sidecar falls over precipice.

Edwin and Angelina reach their destination, but find that old birds are
missing. Angelina suggests half-heartedly that Edwin should go back
and search. Edwin declines. They enter hotel, and live happily ever
afterwards.

    (Solution in next week's local paper.)


III.--WAS THE PRICE TOO HIGH?

Percy, the millionaire's son and heir. He falls in love with Rebecca,
daughter of a multi-millionaire. Percy's father had once been in love
with Rebecca's mother. Percy's mother had several times been in love
with Rebecca's father. Nobody knew this except the Press.

Percy tells his father of his love-affair. Father is furious. He sends
for his lawyer, his will, his banker, and his tobacconist. He tells
Percy that if he marries Rebecca, all his money shall go to the Home
for Diseased and Incurable Kimonos. Percy asks to be allowed to think
it over.

Percy tells Rebecca. Her father declares that when she marries Percy he
will give him as a wedding present twenty million dollars. Percy thinks
it over. He goes to his father. He makes the grand refusal. "Father,
I love her. I will pay your price." His father accordingly alters his
will.

    (Solution in next week's local paper.)




PEEPS AT THE FORCES DURING THE WAR


I.--WITH THE RED CROSS IN HARI-KARI.

HOW it is done. Making the patient red. Making him cross. The Hospital
Orderly. His tenderness. How he treats All My Comrades. Dosing the
troops with P.U.O. Surgical instruments being shipped for Hari-Kari.
View of Hari-Kari. Interiors.

[Illustration: _View of Hari-Kari_]


II.--WITH THE KNUTS IN BRAZIL.

How they grow. The Colonel. His chestnuts. Mrs. Colonel, a hard knut to
crack. Company Officer shelling out deferred pay nuts. Other species.
Conquerors. Winning the war. Piling up ammunition. Monkeying with
shells. The Serjeant-major's aunt Sally. A shy one. Cokernuts. Or
cigars.


III.--WITH THE W.A.A.C.'S IN THE WEST

The Waacs' work. Madame Tussaud. Sealing Waacs. Disciplinary action,
or whacking the Waac. Toilet waccessories. The honey-comb. Honeymoons.
German bees distributing honey. German shells distributing Waacs. The
Waacs asleep. Peace at last.


IV.--WITH THE Y.M.C.A. IN MESOPOTAMIA.

The Red Triangle. Making the note-paper. Giving it to the troops.
"You had a sheet last week." Making the tea. Tracking the tea-leaf.
Searching for sugar. Needing the Nestlé. The piano at work. Ditto in
play. In off the red triangle. The motto: "Closed."


V.--WITH THE CHINESE IN CHINGFORD.

The Chinese G.O.C.-in-C., General Meno Savvy. Some of his wives. His
pig-tail. His blandness. Chinese sports. An opium den. Faro. Moses.
Pulling the Walthamstow. Epping the Zeppelin. Throwing the Leytonstone.


VI.--WITH THE WRENS AT PECKHAM.

Coming through the Rye. Regimental March, "Robin Adair." In Birdcage
Walk. Drinking Canary seed. The wings of a squadron. Fluffy. Egging her
on. The Nestlé season. Shutting down hatches. Getting the bird.


VII.-WITH THE SCENTINELS AT OPOPONAX.

Picking the buds. A blooming swindle. The smell of the ocean. The smell
of Salonika. Catching it hot, Bouquet de Bulgarie. Ottoman olfactives
working at a hose. Atta rose. Johann Maria inventing a highly sensitive
nose. The lily of the Val de Travers. Fishing for Frangipanni. Back
petalling. The Eau B.E.

[Illustration: "_A highly sensitive nose._"]


VIII.--WITH THE DERBYITES IN THE DARDANELLES.

Sighting land. Landing sites. Achi Baba. A close shave. A brush with
the machine guns. Napoo. Shampoo. Epsom salts. Up the straits. Round
Tattenham Corner. Lighting the K Lighters. Fighting the B Lighters.
Turks trotting. Bulgars bulging. Armenians with harmoniums. Cossacks in
cassocks. Giving 'em Dardanell.




TALES OF TRAVELLERS


ANANIAS and Sapphira Munchausen plotting to become great explorers.
Ananias determines to discover the North Pole. Sapphira insists on
finding the South Seas. They finally decide to fit out two expeditions,
and to communicate by wireless telephony.

Ananias buys his outfit. He is thin, but when clothed, entire staff
cannot get him through doorway. Sleighs. Icepicks. Toothpicks. Thermos
flasks. Electric radiators. "Label everything Munchausen, and send to
my hotel." Ten pantechnicons convey the goods to hotel.

Sapphira buys her outfit. Five hundred sh! A thousand you know whats.
Other garments in proportion. She is much thinner when garbed for her
expedition, but chases shop-walker for suggesting a dripping-pan.
Ice-cream machines. Hammocks. Palanquins. Canoes. "Label everything
Munchausen, and send to my hotel." Twenty-seven pantechnicons convey
the goods to hotel.

Street blocked. Hotel refuses to accept delivery. The Munchausens
arrive. Goods dumped in doorway. People in hotel cannot get out.
Mountaineering parties arranged. One party falls in road, and is run
over by traction engine. Other parties entangled in ropes of yet other
parties. Lucky blow of ice-pick catches Sapphira in rear.

The start. One small boy on otherwise deserted quay listens to speeches
from the two different boats.

[Illustration: "_The start._"]

Beautiful scenery near North Pole. Ananias unpacks. Large quantities of
ladies' light summer clothing. Puts all on, in a rage, and appears on
deck. Captain puts him in irons.

Beautiful scenery in South Seas. Sapphira unpacks. Large quantities of
Arctic garments. Puts them on, raging, and cannot turn round in cabin.
Is hauled on deck by steam crane through skylight. Captain puts her in
irons.

Both explorers suddenly remember wireless telephone. Air fuses all
along the line. Both ships catch fire. Arrival at port. Boats meeting.
Ananias finds affinity and tells the tale. Sapphira finds affinity and
tells the tale.

As the boats pass they see one another. Sapphira falls on her
affinity's neck. Breaks it. With one scornful glance she throws herself
into the sea, swamping a liner with the wash.

Ananias cries out in astonishment, "My wife!" He is thereupon knocked
overboard by his affinity. He is washed on to a high cliff by his
wife's wash. Sapphira tries to follow. Causes a landslide. They roll in
each other's arms to the beach. The boats steam away, while passengers
throw everything portable at them and fire at them with syphons and
signal guns. Both are left lying.

    NEXT WEEK.

    ANANIAS AND SAPPHIRA

    IN SPORT.




OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


"Good."--_Athenæum._

"An excellent book for serious thinkers ... showing a thorough grasp of
every subject it deals with. What especially pleases us is the absence
of all attempt at humour."--_Scotsman._

"Should go far ... as far as possible."--_Church Times._

"The Areopagitica filled a lacuna in English literature which had not
previously been noticed. Milton in his blindness saw what others,
better equipped with visual organs, had failed to perceive. What
was his reward? Is not his monumental work the text-book for all
encyclopædists of the Areopagus?... But it is a trifle heavy. Even Q.
H. Flaccus opined that it was dulce to desipere in loco. Sometimes one
feels the need of a lighter work, which makes a less severe tax on the
cerebellular tissue. This is it."--_Daily Telegraph._

"Rotten."--G. S. B. in _Extenso_.

"Teachers will welcome this volume, as it proves clearly how
superfluous is the didactician."--_Schoolmaster._

"These scribblers just have got it in once. It eats. They are some
shakes."--_American Review._

"Receiving orders daily."--_Stubbs' Gazette.





AFTER THIS YOU WILL WANT

to know why all this nonsense has been written by a supposed
Englishman, and why it has ever been published. Yet you will perhaps
admit that it is at least


SOMETHING TO TAKE

a common or garden Nursery Rhyme and a rare or hothouse Kinematograph,
and weld them together coherently, so as to expose the hidden
immorality of the former, and to turn the searchlight of the latter
towards Truth. In


AWAY THE

human body is acted upon similarly by such a corrective as Beecham's
Pills, which cleanse the system of impurities and so enlighten and
enliven all vital functions. It is not bad


TASTE

to make such a comparison, although it sounds something like an
advertisement; and it need only be added that a box of the aforesaid
Pills is frequently stated to be worth more than half-a-ton of coal,
and more than three times as much as a lawyer's pre-war opinion.

[Illustration: _Turning the searchlight towards Truth._]




PUBLISHERS' ANNOUNCEMENTS.


Messrs. CARPE and DIEM respectfully spring the following list of spring
publications.


SPIRITUALISM.

"Bow-wow." By Colley (a posthumous work).

"Charred Embers, or My Excursion to the Other World." By Donum Boyle.

"The Deacon's Arch." By N. Evil Feminine.


TRAGEDY.

"The Great Strike." By the popular author of "The Fight that Failed."


RELIGION.

"Mutual Trust: A Discussion on the ethical and historical Effects of
the Interchange of Hats between Bishops and leading Nonconformists." By
Professor Keating, LL.D.

"The Modern Man's Bible." Buyer and Muttonley. A ruthless excision of
all dogmatic texts, their places being filled by extracts from "Tom
Bull."


POETRY.

"Russia, or The Prophet Here." By Fortuna Waugh. A new venture in cheap
fiction, published on thin paper suitable for shaving purposes. Price
42_s._ net.

"Did he?" By Jove.


HORTICULTURE.

"Foxe's Book of Tomatoes." Revised and authoritative edition.




THE MELTICOOKER


Breakfast, Lunch, Tea, Dinner, Supper, and Accounts, all cooked at once.

IT JUST WON'T BATH BABY.


[Illustration: _The Melticooker_]




THOMAS' DESECRATED SOUP


    If you are landed in the soup
    see that it bears our trade-mark.
    Popular with politicians.
    Send for our Blue-Book.

    TUREEN, WITH LIFE-BELT, GIVEN AWAY
    to every purchaser.




THE ARMY IRONMONGERY STORES


DRILLS. DRILLS. DRILLS.

    Drills of all kinds.
    Squad drills, hair drills,
    Pack drills, square drills,
    Tendrils, spandrils.




WHY IS YOUR INCOME NOT £5,000 A YEAR

[Illustration: _£5,000 a year_]

    Write to us for
    Free Prospectus.

    No security. We show
    great interest.

    Absolute secrecy.

    Even your left hand will
    not know what your note of
    hand commits you to.

    MOSS AND MOSS,
    SHEENIES WALK, CHELSEA.




A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY


It is well known that diseases of various kinds are contracted by
frequenting crowded theatres. Try our Scentrifugal Drops and stand
alone. Powerful, effective. No one can approach our success. You score
three for a clear board. Attendants powerless.

[Illustration: "_Stand alone._"]




THE HOUSING PROBLEM SOLVED


Tin Tanks for Tommies. Discharged Soldiers should write to us for
list of model dwellings in corrugated iron. Sent in sections on the
instalment system. You pay one shilling and receive one chimney. Your
next shilling secures the roof; the next the chicken-run; and so on. A
child can erect or dismantle. (Inset, child dismantling at inopportune
moment.)

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber's Notes:

Punctuation errors repaired.

Page 38, "absoletely" changed to "absolutely" (absolutely used up)