Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
Lesley Halamek and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net






PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 108, March 16, 1895.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_




[Illustration: THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

_Sympathetic Visitor._ "POOR _DEAR_ MR. SMITH, HOW HE MUST SUFFER WITH
ALL THAT SNEEZING AND COUGHING."

_Mrs. Smith._ "HE DOES, INDEED; BUT YOU CAN'T THINK HOW IT AMUSES THE
BABY!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING CONSISTENT.

(_A Dramatic Forecast of the Farce of the Future._)

    SCENE--_Smoking-room of the Toy Club. Reformed members sipping
    lemon-squashes and inhaling tea-leaf cigarettes and reading
    "The Happy Hearth" and periodicals of a similar character._

_First Member._ I am heartily glad that the committee decided to
change the name of the club from the Handicap to the Toy, as it has
brought an influx of such extremely eligible members. The bishop is
perfectly charming.

_Second Member._ Quite so, and really the archdeacon's stories are
first rate. I suppose you heard his anecdote about the pew-opener who
thought that matins were a substitute for oil-cloth?

_First Mem._ Excellent, it was told me yesterday by the Lord
Chancellor of British Undiscoveredland. And how much better it is that
we are not allowed to bet in the old-fashioned way. When you come to
think of it, there was something amazingly demoralising in permitting
a Guinea Club Sweep for the Derby.

_Second Mem._ I should think so! I give you my word that I put my name
down in every single sweep in the old Handicap for fifteen years, and
never once drew a starter.

_First Mem._ My experience too. Have you heard whether there is to be
any substitute for the sweep this year?

_Second Mem._ Why, yes. I was told by a member of the Recreation
Committee that all members taking the bread-and-milk luncheon daily
for a week are to have chances for the Grand Derby Race Christmas
Tree.

_First Mem._ Isn't a Christmas Tree a little too late or too previous
in June?

_Second Mem._ Well, yes; but then it was said that once the Derby was
run in a snow-storm, and so we might take it that sometimes we have
winter in summer.

_First Mem._ I see. Have you any idea what the prizes are to be?

_Second Mem._ Oh, some of them will be very handsome. I am told that
the tree is to be decorated with tea-cozies and silver-mounted blue
spectacles.

_First Mem._ Really! I shall not forget to take my one o'clock
bread-and-milk regularly in the coffee-room for the next week. I
suppose you have quite given up your betting-book?

_Second Mem._ Well, no, because you see the Act permits betting in
moderation, and under proper restrictions. For instance, I am quite
prepared to take seven to one against Snuffbox for the Hardbake
Selling Stakes, only of course it must be in peppermint drops.

_First Mem._ (_producing betting-book_). Well, I would accommodate
you if I were not overburdened with peppermint-drops. Make it
brandy-balls, and I will do it in ounces.

_Second Mem._ (_referring to betting-book_). I am not particularly
fond of that sweetstuff, but I think I can act as commissioner for
my aunt. (_Enters bet._) Is your list full for The Band of Joy
Two-year-old Caudle Cup?

_First Mem._ (_after reference to betting-book_). Well, I don't mind
backing my opinion about the Churchwarden's _County Council_. Do you
know his price?

_Second Mem._ I see in the _Charity Box_ of last night that he was
in considerable demand at Tattersall's. As much as two to one in
Abyssinian sugar-sticks was taken freely. I don't mind letting you
have a pound of mixed biscuits to an ounce of Everton toffy, if that
will suit you.

_First Mem._ All right. (_Makes entry in betting-book._) And now I
really must go.

_First Mem._ What, are you off?

_Second Mem._ Why, yes. I want to see my stockbroker. I have quite a
heavy flutter on in connection with these new Carbonate of Soda Mines.
If they don't go up a bit before the next account I may lose a cool
thousand.

_First Mem._ Just my case. However, I shall be able to pull through,
as now that gambling is prohibited on the turf and in the club, there
is more money available for different purposes.

    [_Exeunt for the City._

       *       *       *       *       *

TO CORINNA.

  The jocund spring, in season ripe,
    Her reign of gladness hath commenced,
  Each shepherd mends his broken pipe,
          Each nymph knows well
          The subtle spell
    By which she'll soon be influenz'ed.

  Then tarry not, belovèd maid,
    Nor make thy worshipper endure
  Such woes as haunt him who's afraid,
          And yet desires
          To think Love's fires
    Alone have raised his temperature!

  What though the crocus still delays?
    No fragrance hath it sweet or rare;
  The snowdrop pale let others praise;
          We need not yet
          The violet
    When eucalyptus fills the air!

  Away with winter's peevish woes!
    We'll wander though the meadows green
  Or where the babbling river flows,
          And on the brink
          We'll sit and drink
    Ambrosial tincture of quinine.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "OVER!"

_Mr. St-dd-rt, Captain of the English Eleven, with Mr. G-ff-n, the
Australian Captain, sing in harmony_--

  "THE LION AND THE KANGAROO
    FIGHTING FOR THE CROWN,

  THE LION BEAT THE KANGAROO--
    HELPED BY MR. BROWN!"

** "Mr. BROWN was 'caught' with 140 to his credit."--_Times' Report._]

"OVER!"

_Or, The Battle of the Bats._

  The Lion and the Kangaroo
    Fighting for the Crown,
  The Lion licked the Kangaroo--
    Helped by Mister BROWN!

AIR--"_Battle of the Baltic._"

  Of STODDART--splendid name!--
    Sing the rapturous renown,
  When our boys to battle came,
    All to win the Cricket Crown;
  Though Australia once again the toss had won.
    But the Britons took their stand
    In a bold determined band,
    And the Best Bat in the Land
              Led them on.

  Like "Leviathan" in form,
    Little GREGORY laid on,
  Doughty DARLING made it warm,
    And GEORGE GIFFEN, fadeless one,
  Smote our trundlers with a coolness quite sublime.
    _Four--One--Four!_ The "wire" so saith!--
    There was silence deep as death,
    And our boldest held his breath
              For a time.

  But the hopes of England flushed
    On that mighty Melbourne green;
  How young WARD and STODDART rushed
    O'er the space those stumps between!
  Sixty-eight our Captain piled, and the fun
    Cool MACLAREN kept alive;
    With Six-Score! BOB PEEL did strive,
    And our score was _Three--Eight--Five!_
              Ere 'twas done!

  Australia once again!
    And the scoring does not slack.
  May kind heaven avert the rain,
    Till the last bat hies him back!
  At good shots how the cheers break and boom
    Round the ring!--and oh! the wail
    At the click of flying bail,
    As the Richardsonian hail
              Pelts--like doom!

  Good GREY GEORGE, the Australian Chief,
    Smote again his swashing blows.
  Mingled sounds of joy and grief
    From the Melbourne ring arose!
  When the stumps again are drawn for the day
    BROCKWELL, prey to bad luck's blight,
    Is again out of the fight,
    WARD and STODDART in, to smite
              As they may.

  Two--six--nine more runs to make!
    And one leading wicket down!--
  Old World, let thine echoes wake
    With the honoured name of BROWN,
  Yorkshire BROWN, the last selected, but not least,
    Oh! to see him smite and run,
    With Lancashire's great gun,
    ALBERT WARD, to share the fun
              _Was_ a feast!

  One-forty! Ninety-three!
    Though, for once, stout STODDART failed,
  That left few more runs, d'ye see?
    And though TROTT and GIFFEN hailed
  At the stumps, and JARVIS watched like a cat,
    Young MACLAREN and BOB PEEL
    Won the match slap off the reel,
    By six wickets! How d'ye feel
              JOHN, at _that?_

  Out spake the victor then
    (And we echo him o'er the wave),
  "Ye are brothers, trumps, and men!
    And it was the narrowest shave
  That victory to us Britons did allot.
    That Crown, as is but meet,
    We will lay at England's feet.
    But by GEORGE, you're bad to beat--
              GEORGE's Lot!"

  Now joy, Old England raise
    For the tidings of that fight.
  Gallant STODDART crown with bays!
    When the wine-cup brims to-night
  _His_ name will sound the loudest midst the roar.
    Thanks to him, and Mister BROWN,
    And some others of renown,
    We still keep the Cricket Crown
              On our shore.

  But though Lion-STODDART wears
    That proud wreath, the Kangaroo
  ("Old Man" GIFFEN) fairly shares,
    With his good and gallant crew,
  The best honours of the game they fought to save.
    At the wickets far from flats,
    In the field they were like cats.
    So here's power to the Bats
              Of the Brave.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: GRATITUDE.

_Patient_ (_cured, and leaving the hospital--to Nurse_). "I THANK YOU
KINDLY, MISS, FOR ALL YOUR GOODNESS--I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT! IF EVER
THERE WAS A FALLEN HANGEL _YOU_'RE ONE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

JOHN STUART BLACKIE.

(_Died at Edinburgh, Saturday, March 2, 1895, in his 86th year._)

  Thou brave old Scot! And art thou gone?
    How much of light with thee's departed!
  Philosopher--yet full of fun,
    Great humorist--yet human-hearted;
  A Caledonian--yet not dour,
    A scholar--yet not dry-as-dusty;
  A pietest--yet never sour!
    O, stout and tender, true and trusty
  Octogenarian optimist,
    The world for thee seemed aye more sunny.
  We loved thee better for each twist
    Which streaked a soul as sweet as honey.
  We shall not see _thy_ like again!
    We've fallen on times most queer and quacky,
  And oft shall miss the healthy brain
    And manly heart of brave old BLACKIE!

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R. says she wouldn't miss the Naval and Military at Sandown for
anything.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: USEFUL HINT.

(_For surmounting the Snow-drifts whenever they may be, as they have
been till quite recently, heaped up behind most of the Fences._)

_Sportsman_ (_with Spade_). "WOULDN'T BE WITHOUT IT FOR THE WORLD, OLD
CHAP! HAD TO DIG MYSELF OUT NO LESS THAN THREE TIMES TO-DAY!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE COURT OF COMMON SENSE (LATE PLEAS).

(_Before Mr. Justice Reason._)

His Lordship asked whether _Brown_ v. _Jones_ was ready?

_Mr. Bands._ No, my Lord. I am requested by my learned friend, Mr.
WIGGE (who is in the Strand), to say that unfortunately----

_His Lordship_ (_interrupting_). Oh, very well! if the parties do not
take sufficient interest in the matter to appear here at the proper
time, I shall assume that the whole affair is frivolous, and strike it
out. Next case please.

A Mr. SMITH rose in the body of the Court and said that he appeared in
person.

_His Lordship._ Is the defendant here?

_Mr. Bands._ I appear for the defendant, my Lord, Mr. SNOOKS. Allow me
to say that----

_His Lordship_ (_interrupting_). No, no, Mr. BANDS; your turn will
come by-and-by. I will hear what the plaintiff has to say first. Now
you, Sir--I mean Mr. SMITH--what is it all about?

The plaintiff then entered into a lengthy narrative of certain
negotiations about the purchase of a house.

_His Lordship_ (_interrupting_). Do you want to buy the place, now?

_Mr. Smith._ No, my Lord, at least----

_His Lordship._ You said no, and I suppose you meant what you said.
And now, Mr. BANDS, does you client want to sell the house?

_Mr. Bands_ (_promptly_). Certainly not, my Lord; but perhaps you will
allow me to explain.

_His Lordship._ Explanation absolutely unnecessary. No order, and
Mr. SNOOKS, as he has gone to the expense of instructing (to my mind
absolutely unnecessarily) counsel, will have the pleasure of paying
for the luxury. Next case.

In this instance both the litigants appeared in person. The question
in dispute was a right-of-way.

_His Lordship._ Now, gentlemen, although you have elected to appear
before me without any intermediary, I am bound to tell you that if
the matter is carried further--to superior courts--you will find
yourselves both landed in heavy costs. What do you say, Mr. JOHNSON?

_Mr. Johnson_ (_one of the litigants_). Well, of course, my Lord, I
don't want that; but if I win my cause, why Mr. THOMPSON will have to
pay for us both.

_His Lordship._ Come, come; I see there is a good deal of personal
feeling in this matter. Take my advice and settle it amicably. I do
not sit on this bench to encourage gambling, but if either of you has
in his possession, what I believe was called by Mr. BOX in the case
of _Box_ versus _Cox_, a "tossing" sixpence, you might come to an
understanding in five minutes. I will wait until you have conferred
with one another.

The litigants upon this invitation held a consultation.

_Mr. Johnson._ It is all right, my Lord. I called heads, and----

_His Lordship_ (_interrupting_). I don't want to hear anything about
that so long as BOX and COX--I should say, JOHNSON and THOMPSON--are
satisfied, the rest is immaterial. And now, is there any further
business before me?

His Lordship was informed that there were ten causes to be heard, and
that all the parties were in attendance.

_His Lordship._ Am I to understand that not only counsel but their
clients are present.

_Mr. Bands_ (_after consultation_). Certainly, my Lord.

_His Lordship._ Then allow me to address them _en bloc_. Now I am
quite sure that a few minutes' conversation amongst yourselves will
set everything right. Commence with the very sensible assumption that
anything is better than litigation, and see what comes of it. I will
retire to my room to let you have a chat in comfort. When you are all
ready, send for me. But mind, take my advice, and hold to the sensible
assumption that anything is better than litigation.

His Lordship then retired, and the parties interested acted upon his
suggestion. After a quarter of an hour's conference the Judge was
summoned into Court.

_His Lordship._ Well, and what is the decision?

_Mr. Bands_ (_in a melancholy tone_). May it please your Lordship all
the cases have been settled out of court.

_His Lordship._ So much the better. And now as I have cleared off my
entire list, I bid you an affectionate farewell.

The Court was then adjourned _sine die_.

       *       *       *       *       *

SHAKSPEARE'S ADVICE AFTER THE L. C. C. ELECTION.--"Furnish out a
Moderate Table."--_Timon of Athens_, Act III., Scene 4.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO VERY NATURAL.

_First Friend_ (_sympathetically_). "GOING STRONG, OLD CHAP?"

_Second Friend_ (_preoccupied with recent elections_). "MODERATE. AND
YOU?"

_First Friend._ "UM--PROGRESSING."

_Second Friend_ (_with only one idea_). "PROGRESSIVE! THEN WE SHALL
FIGHT IN THE L. C. C."

_First Friend._ "L. C. C.! NO, NO! I MEANT THE INFLUENZA!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.

(_By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller._)

I.--THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS. (CONCLUDED.)

A dim mysterious light was burning in the stall of the sacred animal.
By its rays I was able to see not only the hippopotamus itself, but
also the gaping hole in the skylight through which GANDERDOWN and
I had been thus fortuitously projected into its manger. The walls I
noticed were thickly panelled with gold slabs, on which were chased
mystic emblems connected with the cult of the gigantic beast. Here and
there a glittering point caught the light and gave it forth again in
a thousand fantastic iridescent rays. One of these was above my head,
and as I gazed at it I realised that it was a huge ruby of the first
water. In the manger itself were lying shivered fragments of the
skylight. I picked one of these up with all possible circumspection.
It was a magnificent piece of the very finest diamond. Without another
word I crammed all I could lay my hands upon into my pockets and those
of GANDERDOWN. Then I paused to reflect.

The situation was not an easy one. We had arrived, indeed, at our
goal; but how should we contrive to get away with our booty? No doubt
we could manage to elude the vigilance of the guards if we returned
alone. But this was not to be thought of. Either we would take the
hippopotamus with us or perish where we lay. I communicated my resolve
to my companion, and, as I expected, obtained his emphatic approval.
What then was to be done?

All this time, I should state, the huge object of our adventure was
calmly munching his evening meal of soaked rice within three inches
of the place where GANDERDOWN and I lay huddled up together. I saw
his immense jaws rise and fall with the regularity of some enormous
machine, and I was able to look right down into the cavernous recesses
of his being. His eyes twinkled occasionally with a sidelong look
at us, but he seemed calm and undisturbed, as though he felt that we
could not escape him, and that when he had done with his rice there
was a double _bonne bouche_ waiting for him in the corner of his
manger.

At this moment the shrill voice of a Muezzin sounded weirdly through
the stillness of the summer night. Three times he called?, and then
once again all was still. A minute or so afterwards I heard a dull
tramp, as of a regiment, coming towards the place in which we were
sheltered. What could it mean? I took out my watch. The hour was
fifteen minutes after midnight. And then, by a sudden effort of
memory, I remembered that the dear old MEEBHOY had told me that at
this hour every night a crowd of fanatical priests and attendants,
armed every one of them to the very teeth, came to the stable of their
sacred brute in order to take him out for an hour's promenade through
the groves and avenues that surround his shrine. The danger, then, was
imminent. If we were discovered nothing could save us, and we
should perish miserably with our prize within our grasp. My mind was
instantly made up.

"GANDERDOWN," I whispered; "have you ever been inside a hippopotamus?"

"Never; but I was once told by a dirty little urchin to get inside a
horse--why, I know not, as the attempt for a man of my size----"

"Enough of that, GANDERDOWN; you have got somehow or other to get
inside this hippopotamus."

"All right," said the major, who, as I have said, never displayed the
least trace of emotion; "all right. I suppose I had better take my
boots off," and, suiting the action to the words, he did so.

"Stay," I murmured; "have you a long leather thong?"

"Here is one," he replied, producing it; "I never travel without one.
You never know what may come in useful."

I took it from him and bade him prepare for the plunge. Nearer and
nearer sounded the tramp of the advancing priests. I judged that we
had exactly three minutes left, and I told GANDERDOWN that the next
time the animal's jaws were open to their widest he was to go down
head first, and trust to providence and me for the rest. GANDERDOWN
needed no further incitement. Kissing a locket containing a specimen
of his wife's hair he extended his arms above his head in correct
diving attitude, and, as the gigantic mouth opened slowly, sprang
forward and in a moment disappeared within this living vault. As he
did so, I passed a loop of the leather thong firmly over the beast's
lower jaw, fitting it in where there are gaps in the teeth. As I
anticipated, he did not notice this, being entirely taken up with the
surprise of receiving his human cargo. I then took the ends of the
thong in my hands, and, as the step of the leading priest sounded at
the door, I, too, leaped into the cavity in which GANDERDOWN had so
bravely preceded me.

There are some things in my life that I do not care to dwell upon.
Description, however vividly it may serve to paint the dauntless
courage that has ever borne me safe through dangers, can only give me
pain by recalling to me the horrors and the terrors through which
I had to pass. The inside of the Pink Hippopotamus was one of these
awful situations. Let it suffice to say that I found GANDERDOWN alive,
but stertorous, and that I was able to relieve him by undoing his
shirt-collar. I had my compass, I had a pair of excellent reins.
Why say more? To this day the Ghazis and Mollahs, and the tribe of
Hippo-worshippers who are still to be found inhabiting the rocky
mountain fastnesses of Jam Tirnova, have been unable to realise why
the beast they prayed to should have suddenly taken it into his head,
some forty years ago, to make straight for the Diamond City instead of
returning, as was his wont, to his gilded stall. But so it was.

  * * *

When we arrived at my headquarters, after I know not how many days,
and emerged from our close confinement it was early in the morning.
But my father and the MEEBHOY were ready to welcome us.

"Sorra one av ye," said the fine old MEEBHOY, "did I ever expect to
see in this vale of sorrow, where the schemes of the wicked are like a
butter-slide in a pantomime. But I guess you've put the thing through,
my son and there's nane ither of a' that come ben the hoose that could
have played Billy the Baker's Boy with the Ranee's Pink Hippo."

[Illustration: Supporting himself on a single Tip.]

The Ranee was of course deposed, and the MEEBHOY was installed in
her place. He offered me the command of his army and a salary of two
hundred laks a year. But I had had enough of the country, and soon
afterwards left for England, taking the sacred animal with me.
Unfortunately, however, it died at sea of home-sickness, and had to
be consigned to the deep in latitude 25°1, longitude 42°3, I had grown
quite attached to the poor beast, and it used to follow me about like
a dog, making all kinds of funny noises to express its affection for
me, and eating out of my hand with remarkable tameness. Its loss was a
great blow to me.

    [THE END.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THINGS BETTER LEFT UNSAID.

_Husband and Host_ (_waking up from postprandial snooze_).
"WHAT--GOING? OH, I'M AFRAID YOU MUST HAVE FOUND IT VERY DULL. I'VE
GOT A DREADFUL HABIT OF NAPPING AFTER DINNER!"

_Guest._ "_DULL_, MY DEAR FELLOW? IT'S NEVER DULL HERE WHEN _YOU_'RE
ASLEEP!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SILENT!

    ["He (the late ISMAIL PASHA) did not conceal his opinion that
    Egypt should be left to the Egyptians, but admitted that a
    strong Government was indispensable. He thought that in any
    circumstances a great deal would depend upon the character
    of the Khedive. ISMAIL believed that if the Khedive were a
    competent and energetic ruler, a satisfactory state of
    affairs might be established in Egypt within a very short
    time."--_"Times" Vienna Correspondent._]

  Could PENTAOUR, the Copt poet-laureate, scribe, bard and friend of
          the King,
  Sing now, as aforetime to RAMESES, how, and of what should he sing?
  Of Nile given up to the Giaour, its increase made o'er to the Jew
  Modern PHARAOH would gladly let go with his bonds and his power of
          screw?
  Of RA superseded by APIS, of RAMESES bluffed by JOHN BULL,
  Of the pride of the pashas o'erthrown, of the cup of the fellaheen
          full?
  Should he sing of the anger of ABBAS, the fretful and furious boy,
  Who with tantrums, and toys, and intrigues, would the counsels of
          CROMER destroy?
  Nay, for he sang of heroes and men, of the might of victorious gods,
  And not of a petulant child with the charge of his champions at
          odds,
  Or of journalists juggling with words, or financiers jobbing with
          bonds.

  Young ABBAS fares forth to the Sphinx, to the secular Sphinx, that
          responds
  To none save the fate-ordered questioner. Look at that stony set
          face,
  Which the passing of many an empire, the waning of many a race
  Hath seen in its stare o'er the sand-wastes! It PENTAOUR beheld in
          its pride;
  And now the boy ABBAS, in eager-eyed question, creeps close to the
          side
  Of the age-battered Oracle! Hist! All the desert is still as the
          sky.
  _Do_ the voices of forty fled centuries sound on the breeze that
          breathes by?
  Bear they meanings the Frank would acclaim, or the latter-day
          Hebrew approve?
  Those Voices are hard to interpret, that Sphinx is not easy to move.
  It would speak with the music of MEMNON, in ABBAS's ears, did it say
  The Frank shall return whence he came, and the Briton betake him
          away.
  Yet ISMAIL the shrewd, the unscrupulous, knew what young ABBAS
          must learn,
  That a Government strong to subsist, which no blast of intrigue
          can o'erturn,
  Is not shapen of shifting Nile sands, broken reeds, which, like
          Egypt of old,
  But pierce through the hand that shall rest on them. ABBAS the boy
          may be bold,
  With a thoughtless boy-boldness, but is he the Khedive keen ISMAIL
          foresaw,
  Of character 'stablished on justice, of force firmly founded on law?
  Poor boy, eager-eyed, half exultant, he lifts, half inquiry half
          plaint,
  His Voice of Appeal to the Sphinx. On the air of the desert how
          faint
  Sound his words, "_Is_ it Egypt, O Sphinx, for Egyptians?" There
          comes no reply,
  But straight o'er the sands, as of old, staring forth to the weird
          desert sky,
  Unmoved, unresponsive, indifferent, gazes that stony face still,
  Incarnation of calm most colossal, cold patience, immovable will,
  Looking far beyond time, far above human hope, mere midge-fret of
          the day,
  Into--what? There's no mortal who knows, and the Sphinx, if it
          know, doth not say.
  'Tis silent--with silence that means not consent to the youth's
          wild appeal;
  Still, still the set face which is stone gazes forth on a sky
          which is steel!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ONE TOPIC.

_First Man_ (_impressively_). I was in bed for a week.

_Second Man_ (_indifferently_). I was in bed for a fortnight.

_First Man_ (_boastfully_). Ah, but I had most severe pains in my back
and head.

_Second Man_ (_contemptuously_). Very likely. I had most severe pains
all over me.

_First Man_ (_exultingly_). Well, anyhow, my temperature was 103-1/2°.

_Second Man_ (_crushingly_). Oh, that's nothing! Mine was 107°.

    [_Exit in opposite directions._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE "HAPPY DESPATCH" FOR THE SWAZIES.--The Convention of 1894, just
signed, between Sir H. LOCH and President (D)"OOM" KRUGER.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SILENT!

LITTLE KHEDIVE. "TELL ME, GREAT SPHINX--IS EGYPT FOR THE EGYPTIANS?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "HI, BILLY! ARE YER MOVIN'?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

BAIL UP!

A Correspondent, who has been reading GRAY'S "Elegy," says there is
a reference to the England _v._ Australia match in it. He quotes the
line--

  "How jocund did they drive their team afield!"

as proving his point. The allusion to "drives," "teams," and
"fielding," he remarks, can hardly be misunderstood. And if they
could, the following line settles the matter:--

  "How bow'd the wood beneath their sturdy stroke!"

_Didn't_ the wood bow and bend when BROWN was in, he asks? Wasn't
WARD'S on-drive for five a sturdy stroke? We must refer him to Mr.
STODDART for a reply.

       *       *       *       *       *

PSALTER AND SALTA.--Aided by the careful arrangement of "contents"
(and with regard to "Mr. G.'s" latest publication there are no
"non-contents") the reader can easily find any passage in this
"Psalter." At this moment there is another "Salta" to which
the attention of not a few is directed, and the non-contents or
anti-Jabezites know that it is very difficult to get at _him_, or to
find a passage out of that Salta for J. B.

       *       *       *       *       *

If ever there were a clergyman's name, and title, suggestive of the
Militantest of the Church Militant, it is "Canon GORE."

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The Baron is not aware whether the volume before him, _Japhet in
Search of a Father_, is the first of Captain MARRYAT'S works re-issued
by MACMILLAN; but the Baron, speaking on behalf of _Mr. Punch_, is
indeed delighted to welcome a very old friend, and hopes to see many
more of Captain MARRYAT'S able and amusing crew. "If the gallant
Captain, R.N., with his true British sailors, cannot command a sale,
who can?" asks the Baron, and pauses not for a reply. It is to be
hoped that _Midshipman Easy_ is still on board. The Baron anticipates
great pleasure from renewing the acquaintance of that gay sea puppy.
Quite a _Happy Thought_,--"Why not republish MARRYAT? We will." So all
hands to the re-issue, and success to it, quoth the nautical

  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *

GOOD OMEN.--One of the Directors of a New Water Company is Sir SPENCER
WELLS. Everyone well knows the genuine value of the Sparkling Wells.
Will the worthy Bart., as the Mädchens do at the Elisa Fountain, serve
out "the Harefield" (not Hare-aërated) "and Springwell" waters at
a much-frequented bar, and be thenceforth known as Sir Dis-pensary
WELLS? We wish them all success. "Water, water, everywhere, and plenty
fit to drink!"

       *       *       *       *       *

TO MRS. KEELEY.

    ["Some time ago HER MAJESTY inquired after Mrs. KEELEY, and
    was informed that she was well and in her ninetieth year.
    The QUEEN expressed a wish to see her, and Colonel COLLINS
    arranged for Mrs. KEELEY to have the honour of being received
    at Buckingham Palace yesterday afternoon, when she was
    presented to HER MAJESTY. The welcome given to the gifted
    lady, who so wonderfully preserves her health, intelligence,
    and vivacity, was most graceful and cordial; and the QUEEN was
    pleased to recall to mind several interesting incidents of the
    past."--_Daily Telegraph, Thursday, March 7._]

  Oh, when I was a little Eton boy,
    With a heigho! I need not explain,
  "The KEELEYS" were a wondrous joy,
    For they _were_ so droll in every play.

  But now I am at mid estate,
    With a heigho! I need not explain,
  Here's Mrs. KEELEY _tête-à-tête_
    With our Gracious Queen VIC-TO-RI-A.

  No _Betsy Baker_ ere like you!
    With a smile, smirk, I need not explain!
  That rascal, gay _Jack Sheppard_, too,
    With a "_Nix, my dolly! fake away!_"

  I've seen you dance and heard you sing
    With a sly eye, I need not explain,
  How well you acted everything
    In whatever part you chose to play!

  That you're about and well we know,
    With a Hooray! a cheer once again!
  And may you long continue so,
    Till the curtain falls and ends the play.

       *       *       *       *       *

"Heard in Court."

_Counsel._ Now tell me, while you were standing as you say just in
front of the defendant, did anything remarkable strike you?

_Pat._ It did, Sorr.

_Counsel._ And what was that?

_Pat._ His fist.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LAY OF THE BIMETALLIST.

  I.

  Who is Silver?--what is she,
    That all our swells commend her?
  Very tough and bright is she;--
    The heavens such grace did lend her,
  That adopted she might be--
  That adopted she might be!

  II.

  Is she constant as she's fair?
    Or is she light and heady?
  Gold might to her arms repair
    To help him to keep steady;
  And, being helped, inhabit there--
  And, being helped, inhabit there.

  III.

  Then, if Silver plays mad tricks,
    Or Gold is always changing,
  So that none their price can fix,
    From par to premium ranging--
  Let us both together mix!--
  Let us both together mix!

       *       *       *       *       *

FITTING FINISH.--The Portuguese financial agent wrote last week to
the _Times_ to contradict the report as to a "further issue" by his
Government of "tobacco bonds." So this ends in smoke.

       *       *       *       *       *

A BLUE "TIP" FOR THE UNIVERSITY RACE.--With GAME rowing and HOPE in
the bow, the Cambridge Eight this year ought to make a close race of
it.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IMPROVEMENTS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

A SOLUTION OF THE HAT DIFFICULTY.

WHY NOT KEEP ON THE PREMISES PORTABLE REPLICAS OF ALL MEMBERS,
CAREFULLY MODELLED IN WAX, WITH APPROPRIATELY PADDED FIGURES, WHICH
CAN OCCUPY THEIR PLACES DURING ANY TEMPORARY ABSENCE. WHEN _IN SITU_
THE DIFFERENCE IS SCARCELY PERCEPTIBLE.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS."

NO. VII.--WHILE FROZEN OUT. A RECENT SKETCH AT THE ZOO.]

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March 4._--PRINCE ARTHUR still away,
dallying with influenza. Recent experience of carefully considered,
but not altogether successful effort at leadership by other wing of
allied army doesn't make Opposition irrepressibly anxious for more.
At least, not just at present. JOKIM shunted off the main line;
HICKS-BEACH takes charge of train in temporary absence of regular
guard. To-night Ireland coyly comes again to front; JOHN MORLEY brings
in still another Land Bill. In such circumstances PRINCE ARTHUR'S
absence, always regrettable, becomes peculiarly unfortunate. He knows
Ireland thoroughly, and where knowledge fails he supplies the lack
with inflexible opinion; which, in an Irish Minister or Ex-Minister,
is the next best thing to knowledge.

Happily there is CARSON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK. They represented Front
Opposition Bench in Committee on Land Question which sat last year. At
one crisis, things not going in Committee exactly as they desired to
conduct them, they haughtily rose and left the room. A striking scene,
never to be effaced from memory of those who witnessed it. It was,
or should have been, like withdrawal of props that sustain mighty
masonry. The temple should forthwith have toppled, burying in its ruin
the ten or twelve Members who had differed from middle-aged youth.
Nothing happened except the Committee went on with its work just as if
it were still sustained by presence and counsel of the retiring two.
Report was completed in sense of majority, and here was presented to
House a Bill founded on its recommendations.

To-night the two props of the Constitution resumed their useful
service of sustentation. CARSON, as he mentally struggled with the
problem of governing Ireland, unconsciously fell into PRINCE ARTHUR'S
early but now abandoned trick of sitting with his feet on the table.
Near him, diligently making notes whilst JOHN MORLEY expounded
his Bill, sat ST. JOHN BRODRICK. "There," said CARSON who has not
forgotten his POPE--

  "There ST. JOHN mingles with my friendly bowl
  The feast of reason and the flow of soul."

The brew thus blended did not prove very exhilarating. Word passed
round Opposition benches Land Bill not to be ruthlessly opposed at
this stage. With Boanerges RUSSELL approving it on behalf of Ulster
farmers, won't do for Unionists to show themselves implacable. So the
friendly bowl turns out to be something of the texture of a cup of
tea, lukewarm and oversweetened withal. More sad even than compulsory
meekness of two statesmen on front bench is depression of SAUNDERSON.
The Colonel must needs ramp in on such a question, but is pledged to
fight with button on his foil. After this unwonted spectacle House
could stand no more; gratefully gave leave to bring in Bill.

_Business done._--Irish Land Bill brought in.

_Tuesday._--Quite like old times to-night. The hum of the B's is heard
once more in the land, albeit the thermometer registers ten degrees of
frost, and every other Cabinet Minister is down with influenza. It is
true BYRNE and BUTCHER have not yet put in appearance; but BARTLEY is
here and TOMMY B., and Private HANBURY, who is perhaps more of a wasp
than a bee. It is the sunshine of Committee of Supply that has brought
them out. Came to the front in discussion round money voted for
improvements in arrangements of House of Commons completed in
recess. These were undertaken by direction of Select Committee, which
thoroughly went into matter. HERBERT GLADSTONE, who has taken to
delicate duties of First Commissioner as if he had been born in one
of the Parks, devoted much time and personal attention to seeing
improvements carried out. Members coming back to labours of new
Session found House swept and garnished. New dining-room and large
smoking-room; baths and wash-houses, where Parliamentary dirty linen
may be renovated.

HERBERT too modest to anticipate vote of thanks for his labours,
though almost any other man would in circumstances look for such
recognition. Still, if something of that sort had been incidentally
done, no one would have been much surprised. So far from any little
embarrassment of that kind arising here, HANBURY, in deepest chest
notes and most inflated manner, accusing him of undertaking large and
costly works without first obtaining sanction of House.

"Most unconstitutional!" cries TOMMY BOWLES, in severest tones.

Ministry gone through long succession of crises since Session opened.
Pulled through somehow; but this new unsuspected flank attack seemed
irresistibly fatal. The buzzing of the B's was so interminable,
'ANBURY was so hangry, that it seemed there really must be some fire
under the smoke. SIDNEY HERBERT chivalrously came to assistance
of political adversaries, thanking First Commissioner on behalf of
Kitchen Committee for what he had done.

The B's, fearful of consequences of this diversion, hurried on
division; if the thing was to be done must be done quickly. Approach
of dinner-hour had drawn away Members; critical division unexpected.
HANBURY beheld vision of butler in Berkeley Square entering PREMIER'S
sick room with basin of beef-tea and the message, "My Lord, the
Government's hoff." TOMMY BOWLES began to think what coat he should
wear when the QUEEN sent for him. House cleared for division; tellers
returning made known that twenty-four had voted with the busy, now
belated bees, 173 against, rushing the ministerial majority at a
single bound up to 149.

_Business done._--In Committee of Supply.

_Thursday._--Another pleasing night in Committee of Supply.
Opportunity favourable for showing how varied, comprehensive,
illimitable is knowledge of the Busy B's. On Supplementary Estimates,
the business of to-night, variety of topics succeed each other.
Private HANBURY at home with every one of them. There is nothing TOMMY
BOWLES doesn't know. If there were, BARTLEY would supply omission.
Performance a little hampered by accident of GOLDSMID'S being in
Chair. Something about JULIAN depressing to high spirits. When he
takes Chair and submits vote, he succeeds in some subtle way
in investing the proceedings with unmistakable church service
associations. He intones the vote, and when, having put the question,
he adds, "The Ayes have it," it is exactly as in another place it is
remarked, "Here endeth the first lesson."

TOMMY B. doesn't mind that. He would as soon gambol in a church as
on the quarter-deck. But it's different with GEORGE CRISTOPHER TROUT
BARTLEY, who was brought up respectably, and Private HANBURY is not
altogether comfortable.

Besides this, GOLDSMID has a way of spoiling sport unknown under the
more benignant sway of MELLOR, whom, every one is sorry to know, is
down with influenza. To-night, after three hours' discussion upon
amendment to vote for expenses in extradition proceedings against
JABEZ BALFOUR, Committee divided; amendment negatived; VICARY GIBBS
proposes another amendment on exactly same lines. Had it been put
from the Chair, another three hours might have been pleasantly spent
repeating what had earlier been said. GOLDSMID positively declined to
submit amendment, and before astonished, outraged B's had recovered
their breath the main question was put; Committee divided; no chance
of returning to subject.

Then he's depressing in other ways. When vote been talked round for an
hour, he attempts to put question. Up jumps TOMMY BOWLES.

_Chairman._ "The question is that a sum of----"

_Tommy Bowles._ "Sir JULIAN GOLDSMID."

_Chairman_ (_continuing, without noticing him_). "----£70,000 be
granted----"

_Tommy_ (_raising his voice_). "Sir JULIAN!"

_Chairman._ "----to HER MAJESTY to complete the sum of----"

_Tommy_ (_in default of a speaking-trumpet, putting his hand to his
mouth_). "Sir JULIAN, I would like to----"

_Chairman_ (_looking round, and throwing into his voice tone of
infinite pathetic, despairing reproach_). "Mr. BOWLES!"

Then TOMMY, thus called upon, makes his speech.

_Business done._--Very little in Committee of Supply.

_Friday._--Success attending new device of issuing tickets whereby
seats may be appropriated before prayers, naturally leads to further
development. Now proposed that replica in wax shall be made of all
Members. These stored in crypt. When Member arrives just takes up his
wax image, carries it under arm, pops it down on his seat, and is at
liberty to wander about at pleasure. Of course, if Member intends to
be in his place continuously, won't bring out the wax figger; be in
his seat himself. But five times out of six only looks in now and
then, and likes to know that his seat is being kept.

New custom will be particularly convenient on Treasury Bench. SQUIRE
OF MALWOOD frets at continuous absence of his colleagues during
debate. Sometimes goes out to look for them, and stays away long time
himself. With wax figgers all this trouble obviated. Treasury Bench
always full, either with flesh or figger. If Minister called away,
pulls out label, hangs it over figger's neck with legend, "Back in ten
minutes," or the like. Whilst convenience of Members thus cared for,
satisfaction of strangers in galleries largely increased. No more
beggarly array of empty benches. Possibly during dinner-hour there may
be noticeable a certain fixed smile on faces along crowded benches;
but that better than what we've long been accustomed to.

_Business done._--Busy B's took care that not too many Votes in Supply
should be granted.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.

SIMPLE SUGGESTION TO MASTERS OF HOUNDS (FOX OR HARRIERS) FOR INSURING
THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THEIR PACKS SHOULD RUN.

    ["If persons went out hunting, and, by means of their hounds,
    did damage to other people who were in proper use of the
    highway, they must take the consequences. There ought to be
    such command over hounds that they should not be allowed to
    rush over the highway."--_Opinion of His Honour Judge L-w-s
    in Action brought by Mr. H-gh M-rr-s against Hon. C. H.
    W-nn._--"_Yorkshire Post._"]
]

       *       *       *       *       *

A WARM LAMENT.

(_In one of the recent Intervals of Sunshine._)

  O passer-by, I prithee hark to me!
    You wonder, maybe, why my eyelids glisten
  With clinging dewy teardrops, salt as sea.
    I'll tell the story of my sadness. Listen!

  The Arctic cold we've had so much of late
    Made every fibre of my body quiver;
  I struggled hard against relentless fate,
    Then I decided I would no more shiver.

  And that's just it. My grief now knows no bounds;
    It crushes me; I don't know how to bear it.
  I bought a new fur coat for fifteen pounds,
    And now it's got so hot I cannot wear it!

       *       *       *       *       *

QUEER QUERIES.--DAMP AND DEPRESSION.--I see that they have discovered
a "Marsh Village" near Glastonbury. Would it be of any use to write to
the Society of Antiquaries and tell them about _our_ village, and ask
them to come and inspect it? I don't think anything could well be much
marshier. Even the ducks here suffer badly from rheumatism (which they
don't try to suppress). We live all the year round on deep clay, and
just at present on charity. The one thing that Soke-in-the-Mire never
sees is dust. But it would gladly see the antiquaries, who would
impart a much-needed stimulus to local trade, and could be well housed
at the village inn, which is kept by my brother-in-law, so I know it
to be a good one.

  RUSTICUS EXPECTANS.

       *       *       *       *       *