Produced by David Widger






THE REVOLT

A PLAY IN ONE ACT

BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER

Author of "Pigs Is Pigs" etc.

Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French




CHARACTERS

GRANDMA GREGG--Founder of the Flushing Academy of Household Science for
Young Ladies.

PAULINE--Working out her tuition.

SUSAN JANE JONES--An Emissary of the American Ladies' Association for
the Promotion of Female Supremacy.

KATE--A student.

GRACE--A student.

EDITH--A student.

IDA--A student.

MAY--A student.

OTHER YOUNG LADY STUDENTS.

THE IDEAL HUSBAND--by himself.



SCENE.--The class room of Grandma Gregg's Academy of Household Science
for Young Ladies, at Flushing.


TIME.--Now or soon.




THE REVOLT

SCENE.--_The Class-room. A table. Chairs arranged in semi-circle; an
easy chair for Grandma Gregg. Screen in one corner. Chairs or couch upon
which to lay wraps and hats. Otherwise an ordinary room. Tea things on
the table._

(PAULINE, _center of stage, with pail, broom, dusting rag, scrubbing
brushes and mop, is discovered on hands and knees scrubbing. As curtain
rises she rises to her knees, throws scrubbing brush and soap into the
pail, gets up with difficulty and mops the floor. She is singing._)

PAULINE. (singing) "All alone, all alone, nobody here but me. All alone,
all alone, nobody here but me, All alone, all--" (_she stops mopping and
leans on the mop handle_) Here it is now two weeks I've been workin' out
my tuition in this Academy of Household Science for Young Ladies, and
'tis nothin' but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, sweep, sweep, from mornin' 'til
night! I see plenty of work, but none of that tuition has come my way
yet "Wanted," says the advertisement, "a young lady to work out her
tuition in an academy." It says that, "Grandma Gregg's Flushing Academy
of Household Science," it says, "fits the young ladies for to occupy
properly their positions at the heads of their homes," it says, "It
will be a fine thing for you, PAULINE," I says, "to be tuitioned in an
Academy," so I come, (_mops_) "We'll begin your lessons right away,"
says Grandma Gregg, "take th' scrub brush an' a pail of water an' some
soap an' scrub th' cellar." I've been scrubbin' ever since. I don't care
much for the higher education when there is so much scrub in it.
(_mops_)

(GRANDMA GREGG _enters_. PAULINE, _not seeing her, goes to table and
examines tea things, books, etc._)

GRANDMA GREGG. PAULINE!

PAULINE. (_beginning to mop hastily_) Yes'm!

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE.

PAULINE. (_making a curtsey_) Good mornin', Grandma Gregg. I hope I see
you well to-day. (_changing her tone_) If it ain't askin' too much, mam,
when does my tuitioning begin? I've been scrubbin' for two weeks now,
from mornin' 'til night--

GRANDMA. Have you scrubbed the cellar, Pauline?

PAULINE. Yes'm.

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE.

PAULINE. (_curtseying_) No'm. (_curtsey_) Yes'm. (_curtsey_)

GRANDMA. You have scrubbed the cellar?

PAULINE (_curtseying_) Yes'm.

GRANDMA. And the garret? And the first floor? And the second floor?

PAULINE, (_curtseying_) Yes'm.

GRANDMA. Very good, very good, Pauline. Then, when you have finished
scrubbing this class room, you may scrub the front porch and the stable.
Then it will be time to scrub the cellar again. You are doing very
nicely.

PAULINE. Yes'm, thank you, mam. (_curtsey_) But I was thinkin', mam,
maybe I could have a little more tuition, and a little less work. "Work
and tuition" was what the advertisement said, mam, an' I've seen nothin'
but the work yet.

GRANDMA. My dear child! My dear, sweet child! I don't understand you.
You have done no work yet.

PAULINE. (_looking at her dress and at pail and mop_) I've done no work?
I wonder, now, what I have been doin'!

GRANDMA. (_placidly_) You have been receiving your tuition. In this
academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments.
Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the
rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are
making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and
in a short time you will be promoted to another class. (PAULINE _stands
with her mouth open as_ GRANDMA _talks. She seems to be stunned_) Let me
see you scrub, Pauline.

PAULINE. (_dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail_) Yes'm.

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline.

PAULINE. (_curtseying on her knees_) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs)

GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing,
Pauline! You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons.
You may study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use
your muscle.

PAULINE. (_gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns_) Good
morning, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys_) (_aside_) Rudiment, is it? If I
haven't done any work yet, I wonder now what the work will be like.

GRANDMA. (_has dropped into her chair and taken up her knitting_)
Pauline.

PAULINE. Yes'm.

GRANDMA. Did you curtsey, Pauline?

PAULINE. No'm. (curtseys) But I will, (_curtseys_)

GRANDMA. Pauline, have the new Professors come yet? I have hired two new
Professors. A Professor of Husbandology, and a Professor of Rudiments.
They are very highly recommended.

PAULINE. Beg pardon mam, but what's Husbandology?

GRANDMA. Husbandology is the Science of the Proper Treatment of
Husbands.

PAULINE. And I know what Rudiments is. It's scrubbin'. No, mam, nothin'
like them has come yet. "All alone. All alone--" (_sings_) (_exit_
PAULINE)

GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy
the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my
mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to
attend. I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and
Suffragettes, and Suffrage--this and Suffrage--that! If this academy
wasn't sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close
its doors. (_sees a book on table, takes it in hand_) "Woman and Her
Rights." (_with disgust_) Augh! Who brought that here? (_throws it
on floor_) I declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the
old-fashioned home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives,
(_door bell rings_) (_enter_ PAULINE)

PAULINE, (_curtseys_) If you please, mam, there's a female at the door
says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones,
mam.

GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline.

PAULINE. Yes'm.

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline.

PAULINE. No'm. (_curtseys_) (_exit_ PAULINE)

GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's
nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment
of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days.
They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl--(_enter_ Susan
Jane Jones.)

SUSAN. (_strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag
under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves_)
Well, here I am--

GRANDMA. (_mildly_) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones.

SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that?

GRANDMA. (_gently_) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come
into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom--

SUSAN. (_briskly_) Well, I'll soon change that--I mean, Howdy! Howdy!
(_bobs several times_) (_aside_) I must not forget I am here as a spy
in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as
the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady.

GRANDMA, (_rubbing knees_) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little
rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady.
I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful
I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your
duties will be?

SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to
treat their husbands when they get 'em.

GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband.
Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines
of

Care from Hubby's Brow. Then--of course you show by example how all this
is done.

SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you?

GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes
perfect," you know, (_calls_) Pauline!

PAULINE, (_off stage_) Yes'm, I'm comin'.

GRANDMA, (_calling_) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline.

PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam.

(_Enter_ PAULINE _with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws it
into a chair. Exit._)

GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should
be. He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He
never says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why?

SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer?

GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and
pet him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like
to see an example of your method of coddling and petting.

(SUSAN _looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and
pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the
chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder._)

SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (_pats dummy_) Was he out so
late last night? (_puts dummy gently in chair_) Let little wifey rub his
poor head, (_does so_) What did hubby say? All right, little wifey will
tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) Now, kiss
little wifey. (_kisses dummy_) What did hubby say?

GRANDMA. What did he say?

SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone.
Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me."

GRANDMA, (_admiringly_) How like a real man! And what do you do next?

SUSAN. (_looking around_) I get a pillow. (_gets one from couch and puts
it lade of dummy_) And I wrap up his feet (_does it_) There, poor dear.
He's sleeping now.

GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives
should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender
creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your
room is in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal
Husband a little longer before your classes begin. (_exit_ GRANDMA)

SUSAN, (_alone_) Get off that chair, you big brute! (_jerks dummy of
chair_) Come home intoxicated, will you? (_throws dummy back on chair_)
Don't talk back to me! (_takes up dummy again_) You are going out, are
you? Well, go out! (_walks toward screen with dummy_) Out you go! I'll
stand no nonsense, I tell you! (_throws dummy behind screen_) Go, if you
want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I coddle and pet them!
(_looks around_) This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain
of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair
in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the
old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the
vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending
to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root
anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept
in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule!
(_enter_ KATE _pouting_)

KATE. (_not seeing_ SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm
never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I
think he is just too horrid for anything, (_takes off coat and hat and
throws them on sofa_) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived,
I do! I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (_wipes
her eyes_)

SUSAN. (_clapping her hands once_) My sentiments exactly! I so consider
all men.

KATE. (_startled_) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning!
(_curtseys_) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will
you? (_with head on one side_) She wouldn't like it. (_picking at her
fingers_) She says females should admire and worship all males.

SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory
is, females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a
worm. A poor silly worm. Now, here! (_takes_ KATE _by arm and leads
her across stage_) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel
oppression of a man!

KATE. I--I--I just think John Mason treated me real mean, anyway.

SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must
be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you?
You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you?

KATE. I did think so.

SUSAN, (_threateningly_) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands!
(PAULINE _enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to
them_) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us
under his cruel heel.

KATE. Has he?

SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot.

KATE. Will we?

SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him.

KATE. Must we?

SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from
the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the
stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can.
He must be driven from the land.

PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a
death of cold in the water.

SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true
woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (_to_ KATE) You have
felt a man's cruelty. (KATE _wipes her eyes_)

KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean.

SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of
the oppressor?

PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma
Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and
black his shoes for him.

SUSAN, (_triumphantly_) You see! Man makes slaves of us all!

PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he
was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor.

SUSAN. (_carelessly_) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the
screen.

(PAULINE _gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind
her on the floor. Exit_ PAULINE.)

SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is
about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see
one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you?

KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean--Oh!
here Comes Grandma Gregg.

SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (_in a changed tone_). Yes, my dear,
when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a
bandage--

(_Enter_ GRANDMA GREGG.)

KATE, (_curtseys_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA _seats herself and begins
knitting_. KATE _takes sewing from bag and sews_. SUSAN _picks up book
from floor and begins to read_.)

(_Enter_ GRACE.)

GRACE. (_curtseys_) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear.

(GRACE _seats herself and sews. Enter_ EDITH _and_ IDA.)

EDITH and IDA. (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears.

(_Enter_ MAY _and other girls._)

MAY and Other Girls, (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all
done your home work? Let me see it. (_the girls advance, by ones or twos
and show their sewing_)

GRANDMA. Very good--The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart--
This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (_girls take
seats again, and sew_)

GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot?

GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys, and makes tea_)

GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day?

ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

SUSAN. (_scornfully and aside_) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin.

GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept?

KATE. (_curtseys_)

     A husband is a precious thing,
     He is the woman's lord and king.

SUSAN. (_aside_) He was, but now he's no such thing.

GRANDMA. GRACE?

GRACE. (_with a curtsey_)

   A wife should never hem and haw,
   Her husband's word should be her law.

SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw!

GRANDMA. Next.

EDITH. (_curtseys_)

     Woman within her home should stay
     Her duties there should be her play.

SUSAN, (_aside_) That sentiment don't go to-day.

GRANDMA. Next.

IDA. (_curtseys_)

     The man is noble, strong and brave;
     Woman should be his loving slave.

SUSAN. _That_ notion's in its little grave!

GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (_she rises_) Edith, yesterday you
could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you
omitted?

EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter.

GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late,
what would you do?

IDA. (_curtseys_) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep.

GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning?

IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had
a pleasant evening."

(GRACE _passes tea. Door bell rings._)

GRANDMA. Now, Miss--

SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones.

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN _curtseys_)
You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in
the proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and
gentleness.

SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (_Enter_ PAULINE. _She
has a telegram which she hands to_ GRANDMA. _Also has the dummy, which
she throws on the floor carelessly_.)

PAULINE. Here's your husband.

GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner.

PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long,
mam. I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from
morning to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin'
the scrub work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am.

GRANDMA. (_after reading telegram_) You are tired of being a scholar,
are you, PAULINE?

PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from
the cellar up.

GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am
going to reward you.

PAULINE. (_happily_) Reward me, mam?

GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of
Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a
professor, Pauline?

PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my
name, a professor?

GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you
my Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of
Rudiments, (_all curtsey_)

PAULINE, (_wiping her eyes_) I feel like I ought to make a speech, mam,
but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice to
the job, mam.

GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of
Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing--

PAULINE. Scrubbin'?

GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves.

PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves?

GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will
study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they
will watch you.

PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and--It's mighty like the job of bein'
scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and
mop?

GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given
you such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay,
you shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition
you have received.

PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work
I owe you, or do I do it?

GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child,
don't you? (PAULINE _stands puzzled_) Now, young ladies, I will leave
you to your two new Professors, (_exit_ GRANDMA)

(PAULINE, _when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees
dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down
angrily_)

PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (_ goes to tea table and
eats and drinks during the following scene_)

SUSAN. Fellow females! (_the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with
one another. Finally_ KATE's _voice is heard_)

KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live.

GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at
Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him.

EDITH. What did he do, Grace?

GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said,
"Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said,
"Oh, I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!"

IDA. The _horrid_ thing. I think boys are just too horrid for anything.
I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at all. I'm
through with George!

EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I
consider it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other
girl.

IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two
blocks away--

EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you.

IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to
hear. I always hear when George oo-oos.

MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed
at him.

KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry!

MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent _him_
about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and
I oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said,
"I'm going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you
think _he_ said?

GRACE. What did he say?

MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!"

All. Oh, how horrid!

EDITH. Well, I've had all of _Sam_ I want! When I got home from school
yesterday I sat on the front porch _all_ afternoon. Of course I expected
Sam would happen to pass by.

KATE. Of course. Any gentleman _would_ happen, to pass by.

EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came
by. Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had
fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her arm.

KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys
treat us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day
when they don't think of us at all.

GRACE. Oh, not _whole_ minutes.

KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times
this term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't
happen if they thought of us _all_ the time.

All. The horrid things!

KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were
all--all extinct.

SUSAN, (_rapping on table with her umbrella_) Ladies! Fellow females!
I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man
live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that
worm that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his
soaring wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we,
ladies, be slaves to a worm?

PAULINE. No, mam. (_curtseys_)

SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why
waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing--

PAULINE. And scrubbin'--

SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh!
Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow
the bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and
drive the men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs--

KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything.

SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of
men?

KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father
wouldn't hear of it.

GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate?

KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace?

GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith?

EDITH. I want to be an editor.

GRACE. Republican or Democrat?

EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida?

IDA. I want to be a politician.

Mat. An honest one, of course.

IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May?

Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with
their market baskets.

SUSAN. Where the _men_ can come with their market baskets, (_to_
PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to
usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work?

PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (_tapping her waist_) has felt
the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a
pirate.

All. A pirate!

PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen:--

     Since my mother's lap I played in
     When I was a wee small maiden--

SUSAN. Just so high!

All. Just so high!

PAULINE.

     I have had a great ambition
     For to better my condition--

SUSAN. So have I.

All. So have I.

PAULINE.

     Dolls was things I much detested
     Toys left me uninterested.
     Even as a little baby
     I had hopes that sometime, maybe
     I could be a roaring pirate,
     Be a swearing, tearing pirate,
     Be a shocking, wicked pirate,
     With a cruel, cruel eye,

SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern
young lady.

PAULINE.

Listen:--

     I have dreamed of death and slaughter
     On the wild tumultuous water

SUSAN. Oh, how dear!

ALL. Oh, how dear!

PAULINE.

     I have longed to wear a dagger
     And cut throats, and swear, and swagger.

SUSAN, Hear! Hear!

All. Hear! Hear!

PAULINE.

     All around me, dead and dying,
     I would see my victims lying;
     And I'd laugh out loud and louder
     As I smelled the blood and powder,
     For I'd be a roaring pirate,
     Be a swearing, tearing pirate,
     Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate,
     With a cruel, cruel eye.

SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady
pirate. Very!

PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd
like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very
mannish occupation.

KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting
than being a doctor.

PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The
wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off
the land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of
work for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em
and extinguishing 'em.

GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates?

SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as
an army. Every revolution needs its privateers.

KATE. No more sewing! (_gathers up sewing and throws it down_)

PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (_throws away mop and brush_)

GRACE. No more rag bags! (_takes rag bag from chair, and is about to
throw it, when red rags fall out_)

PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags,
(_winds red rag around_ GRACE's _head, and a red rag as sash. All do
likewise_) Wait till I get the swords, (_exit_ PAULINE)

KATE, (_front, with clenched fists_) OO--I feel blood-thirsty!

SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty.

GRACE, OO--I feel ferocious!

SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything.

EDITH. OO--I feel wicked!

SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight.

IDA. OO--I feel murderous!

SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character.

Mat. OO--I feel dangerous!

SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous.

PAULINE. (_entering with table knives, etc_.) OO--I feel like if I seen
a cake of soap I could kick it! (_she distributes knives_)

SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (_drawing them all to her_)
Hist! To-night--at dead of night--we will capture--a lumber schooner--at
Copp's lumber yard--

All. Aye! Aye! Mam!

SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--meet me--at the corner of--Main and
Broadway!

All. Aye! Aye! Mam!

SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--we will strangle the watchmen--

KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at
dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls?

SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone?
I don't have a chaperone.

GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without
a chaperone! It isn't proper.

SUSAN. But you are a pirate.

EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper
pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner.

PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you?

KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very
thing! We _will_ take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her,
in chains!

SUSAN. Excellent! _You_ will have your chaperone, and I will be rid of
the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her!

All. We go! We go! (_exit all, left, except_ PAULINE) (_enter_ GRANDMA
GREGG, _right_)

GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls
getting on with their lessons?

PAULINE, (_curtseys_) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every day.

GRANDMA. (_picking up dummy and laying it over chair back_) Very good.
But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I don't
like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make them
look like pirates. (PAULINE _starts uneasily_)

PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion!

GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers.

PAULINE, (_boldly_) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is what I
am. (_hesitates_) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to me, barring
the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I was you,
mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage.

GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage?

PAULINE. Yes'm. (_curtseys_) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she
seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I
ain't. A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice,
quiet, well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want.

GRANDMA. I don't understand you.

PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam.

GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy?

PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) She's here like a snake in the grass,
mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men.
They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates
they be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going
to capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam.

GRANDMA, (_hanging her head_) And is this the reward for my efforts to
make good wives of them!

(_Enter_ SUSAN _cautiously. She beckons to the girls_.)

SUSAN. This way! She's here!

(_The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book
pirates._ SUSAN _folds her arms._)

SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come!

GRANDMA. Well, I do declare!

SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I
have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men
from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (_shouting_) We are
resolved!

SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man.

ALL. (_shouting_) Hatred and detestation.

KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men.

GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too.

GRANDMA. Now, my dears--

SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (_two girls seize
and bind the dummy_)

SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (_points to_
GRANDMA. _The girls rush at_ GRANDMA, _who skips backward_)

SUSAN, (_front, rubbing her hands with joy_) pirates! My faithful band
of man-haters, (_to audience_) You men, your turn is next!

A BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage_) OO-oo!

(KATE, _who it about to bind_ GRANDMA, _stops and listens_.)

KATE That's John!

SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!_)

GRACE. (_listening_) That's--that's Arthur!

SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo!

EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (_all crowd
to door and look out_)

KATE. (_eagerly_) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out!
Where's my hat?

(_All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and
hats, putting them on as hastily as possible_)

SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause!

KATE. (_pinning on her hat_) Revolution! I haven't time for revolutions,
don't you hear the boys calling us?

SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women?

GRACE. (_as all come forward_) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just the
I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls!

VOICES, (_off stage_) Oo-oo!

GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (_they rush out_)

(SUSAN _slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door_.
GRANDMA _takes up her knitting._ PAULINE _picks up her mop, and looks
lovingly at dummy_.)

PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them
boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back.

GRANDMA. (_with interest_) Did he speak to you, Pauline?

PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk
back, mam.

(CURTAIN)