The Project Gutenberg eBook of Feline Philosophy This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Feline Philosophy Author: Walter Léon Hess Release date: June 9, 2013 [eBook #42897] Language: English Credits: Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FELINE PHILOSOPHY *** Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.) FELINE PHILOSOPHY BY THOMAS CAT RENDERED INTO ENGLISH BY WALTER LÉON HESS BOSTON RICHARD G. BADGER THE GORHAM PRESS COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY WALTER LÉON HESS All Rights Reserved Made in the United States of America The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. _I have nine lives And a number of wives-- But at last I must put a ban On feline ways And midnight lays For now I live with man!_ [Illustration] FELINE PHILOSOPHY BY THOMAS CAT [Illustration] FELINE PHILOSOPHY BY THOMAS CAT FIRST CATERWAUL The family have gone to the country, Horton, his wife and four children. They took the butler and maids, the dogs, The canaries and parrot. Shutters They put on the house and the keys Are turned in the locks. The silver Was put in the vault and everything Valuable carefully stowed.... Little Jack Looked well for me. But when he found me Was told to put me outside; a cat has no Place in a house that is closed for The summer. When they were sorely troubled With rats and mice they coaxed me to Come to live in the cellar. They fed Me richly on cream and the choicest Bits from their lavish table. They gave Me a rug to sleep, and taught the children To pet me. All took turns to feed me and They saved the bones of each fish. The Mice and rats disappeared; the rug Is filthy, in tatters. Old Horton curses And kicks me and kicks me down stairs when he Meets me; warns the baby to heed my Claws and the older children that Cats breed all sorts of diseases. Edith Has young men to call and "cannot abide The cat that is covered with ashes." Only Jack remembers--which reminds me How well I was treated. I was young when They found me and now have grown wise in Their councils. I have no food and no Lodging. [Illustration] SECOND CATERWAUL It's more than a week since I've eaten And my bed is made in the gutter. Well-fed And beggars go by and their boots are All alike ready as soon as they spy me. Jack Horton went by with his father and Stooped to whisper his secret. Old Horton Jerked his arm and urged that he'd miss The train. So even railroad time Seems relentless as the procession Passes over and about me. Between buying A new suit for his party And his affection Even young Jack had no choice. Now I have to hunt And I've eaten a sparrow for breakfast. I ate with infinite relish Though I never ate one before; I was starved and the murder and crime Were lost in my terrible necessity. My depravity is beginning to wear.... I shall wander down to the river.... I have heard Jack's father say: When a man falls so low as that He had better drown himself than-- I've forgotten the rest; I cannot think In my present state of mind. THIRD CATERWAUL Arrived at the wharf there was not Another soul in sight ... except at the very end Where sat a most woebegone looking Tramp Smoking what was once a cigar Of price. Half smoked it had been thrust In the gutter at the theater-entrance By a careless and prosperous merchant. The Tramp was very near to the edge looking out Over the water as blankly as a blind man. A man! Look at him ... and I a mere cat! No doubt Old Horton was right.... One leap Into the darkness and all gloomy thoughts, All trouble, like the half-finished cigar Would give place to beautiful dreams and Never-ending.... At least it cannot be much Worse.... No! Far better than the foul gutter And the murderous cravings for the unattainable. I shall burst my bonds and jump in. [Illustration] FOURTH CATERWAUL It gave a terrible fright when I struck The water. Even in filth and mud I found it more Pleasure to swim than to drown. How comfortable The gutter now seemed but my strength was Utterly useless.... My thoughts had been Less overwhelming than the murky slime that Would kill me ... and to sink, to be swallowed By fishes that had been sweet food for my palate. A boat came out of the darkness and a brown Arm folded me up from the last gasp in the river. It was going out to a yacht and the mate was the Man who rescued: "What luck with our rats and mice To find this bedraggled feline.... Maggie can give It some milk and the Master won't curse for the Vermin...." Perhaps I was born as an antidote! Perhaps I have no choice what to do! But whatever may be I shall at least do What is expected, the best that I can-- How else can I expect anything? FIFTH CATERWAUL Did you ever see a palace in a desert? Ralph Dimon was a good catch and Irene's Father was very rich. Low necked dress, Dress clothes, lace, jewelry, curtains of Fine brocade, mahogany panellings and Nickel-mountings dimmed the lights of Brough's Yacht and were more plentiful than the drops Of water that had nearly drowned me. As I was lifted over the side I saw the Two lovers lounging in the bow where there Were no lights; while inside the electric Lamps burned neglected. The wind blew a gale And I shivered; but comfortable surroundings And even diamonds would warm anybody but a Half drowned cat.... I wonder if pink ribbons And a silver-mounted collar would have made Me warmer or less hungry ... and I was most Interested because Irene's father never paid His bills without a lawsuit.... Perhaps I might With ribbon and collar have had food for the asking. But an honest cat must be kicked around The kitchen by Maggie. Maggie was used to it: "Haven't you better sense than to bring such Rubbish aboard, Jim? Old Brough will miss the Milk and there'll be the devil to pay."--And To think how I could rid this palace of vermin.... But that would cost Father Brough money and It wouldn't show.... Jim put me ashore ... but I was grateful! [Illustration] SIXTH CATERWAUL What a terrible contrast: from an interrupted Yachting trip to the garbage can! The smell Of the sea is sweeter but I wasn't dressed For it.... The lure of a square meal is sweeter Than the glitter of paste. Think of finding a Half beefsteak on top of the can! There was no Gravy but it was cooked to perfection. I ate it With relish, but should have enjoyed it better If only some one would let me work for it-- Especially such a meal.... And yet they say beggars Cannot be choosers.... I found a lot more in the can To eat, but the steak satisfied me. I was very tired; so I went to sleep beside the Can.... When the collector came he took counsel of My presence and hunted through to see what he could Find of value. He looked up and down the street And then slipped a half-roasted-chicken into his Blouse; but not before casting me a look of Triumph.... But I never can eat two meals at a Sitting and chicken doesn't agree with me. Then, Too, even honey is nourishing, but it may give One indigestion.... I hope he enjoyed the chicken As much as I did my banquet.... Why, thought I, not Offer to stay in this house where plenty runs To overflowing.... It proved to be Brough's! [Illustration] SEVENTH CATERWAUL I prefer the street and the gutter To the hospitality Brough's might have offered. How lucky to be a cat Free to accept or--refuse What is offered! [Illustration] EIGHTH CATERWAUL I found a door that was open. The grass in the entry was cut close; The hangings and drawing-room furniture Immaculate in their smug neatness. Even the Windows were clean and the books on the Shelves were well dusted. I wandered into The kitchen where oilcloth was spotless And tidy. Even the walls were fresh-papered.... No doubt to keep the kalsomine-water From evaporating.... Table-manners in such A house, I fear, are more real than the eating. I turned about and went out lest the hairs In my coat might scatter. [Illustration] NINTH CATERWAUL I have been housed with Jerolamon Jones And his wife, whom they call "tame cat," For what seems a fairly long time. Jerry They call him for short and short is the Bible He reads. Lovers they are to the world and To each other still more--for that is the Judgment that counts.... Jerry has nights "At the club" and loves his dear wife's Friends. She can always reach him by 'phone But she wouldn't do it for worlds as she Trusts him beyond cavil or guile.... And the tame cat sits on the laps of a Dozen or more of his friends--but only When Jerry is home. I followed Jerry one night But his club was not where he went.... We came home exactly at twelve--and Marion (That was his wife) was fast asleep in the sheets. Fulton had kissed her that night--and of course She told Jerry next day.... He trusted his wife As she him.... They were playing the game When I left--I left because only I Knew how to end the farce! TENTH CATERWAUL I have wandered over the city aimless and homeless, Hungered in mind and in body. Days are not irksome in sunshine And rain promises more when it ceases. But the nights are so intimate And the rays of one's mind Are perlucid. Like a criminal tracing his steps Back to the scene of iniquity, I found myself in Horton's neighborhood.... But the house was still closed for the summer. [Illustration] ELEVENTH CATERWAUL Mrs. Horton's maid, Alice, came home With the keys. She left the window open When she went to the corner for food. I took unfair advantage--thus experience has taught me-- Climbed in at the first opportunity. I hid in her bedroom--the only door that was open. After all I had suffered Perhaps Jack would come back And then my troubles be over. For the first time in months I slept without fear and in comfort.... It must have been after midnight When Old Horton came in. It was pitch dark So he couldn't see me. It gave me uncanny pleasure To follow him. He stole up to Alice's room As if a hundred were watching. The door remained Gaping to the empty house and--me. Presently Alice screamed and the harrowing sound Frightens me even now. Horton went back to his room And the house resumed its stillness. I sat on the floor by his bed Lulled by his heavy breathing.... Out of the darkness there gleamed A flash from the crack of a pistol. Alice was fully dressed and quietly turned on her heel; Left the house by the basement; walked to the corner And river; threw something deep in its water; then back To the house where she'd killed him-- Leaving the front door open.... I followed her up to her room Where she undressed and went back to bed.... Dead in his they found Horton, And on his tomb they inscribed: "A LOVING FATHER AND DEVOTED HUSBAND." [Illustration] TWELFTH CATERWAUL I've been sitting in the gutter and wondering-- Strange dreams come to me in strange places-- The glare of approaching motor Bewildered my thoughts still more. I saw stranger things in the shadows Than the glow of the lights revealed. And the deepest shadows Close behind the gleaming arcs of the motor Showed heads that were snuggled close. Edith Horton was one And Brough--who is married--the other. No matter how dark the night its shame is refulgent To Heaven. The chain of my reverie was broken As the lash will draw blood from the purest.... And yet I am only a cat that was nearly Run over! [Illustration] THIRTEENTH CATERWAUL Jack Horton has taken me back-- His father's boots are now mouldy. Edith does charity work and teaches in Sunday-school. Brough is the superintendent.... The mortgage on Mallory's house Was foreclosed on Saturday morning. Mallory, wife and six children Were sitting out on the street, Their shabby trappings about them.... A syndicate bought the house From Brough--his profit was ten thousand dollars. Brough is rolling in wealth. But Mallory now and Brough Will seem to me much more alike: Neither will pay his bills. ... But Jack is kind to me And Brough's not the milk That I drink! [Illustration] FOURTEENTH CATERWAUL When Mallory worked in the shops He drank up the wages he earned. Now that he's out of a job He's docile and kind to his wife And dawdles the baby all day. Old Horton used to say that Mallory Was a good mechanic and a bad father. Thus do critics fall out--Now that Old Horton Is dead He could not reverse his opinion Nor the marble slab on his grave. Joe Mallory was always Jack's chum; so Jack got after His friends.... Now he's delighted and proud For he found Mallory a job Which Mallory thoroughly liked and took For the price of giving up drink. [Illustration] FIFTEENTH CATERWAUL Edith was reading the paper Breakfasting on the couch At the foot of which I sat. Her face was as pale as a ghost.... She read Something twice out loud: "James Brough in the Bankruptcy Court. Squandered his fortune on women; Many society girls in his net." She fainted just as her mother came in; so I Quietly left the room.... And yet there is now a law That the lamps of motors be dimmed! [Illustration] SIXTEENTH CATERWAUL Jack and his older brother went to the wharf As Ralph Dimon is going abroad. He's going to stay for some time.... Irene's been released From a very long engagement. Not only for mourning it seems That weddings are postponed. Irene looks dejected and weary-- She came to see Edith this morning. The two are off for the mountains together.... They say Ralph was richer than Brough. [Illustration] SEVENTEENTH CATERWAUL They are sending Jack to boarding-school-- He debated long should he take me? If only I were a dog!--but grown boys Don't make pets of cats.... He doesn't know why he's going away-- But I do: Alice, the maid, is in trouble And Mrs. Horton is shocked--and doesn't Want Jack to know. [Illustration] EIGHTEENTH CATERWAUL Ever since Jack went away Mrs. Horton has looked after me. The day he left She came to the window And threw out Old Horton's boots. At first I thought they were thrown At me--but it seems that she threw them Wide of the window! When I voiced my surprise She hurried to me and now I sleep on her divan! [Illustration] NINETEENTH CATERWAUL Clarence Horton, Jerolamon Jones and a few Of the other young bloods had a party last night-- Hunt breakfast they called it, I think. They started by talking of dogs--hounds and Horse-flesh and mounts. I gathered that sort of sport Leaves all the toil to the dogs And the glory and brush to the hunter. For this kind of thing They were well fit-- And none of them went home too sober! [Illustration] TWENTIETH CATERWAUL Mrs. Horton sent Alice away--she left last night After dark. It was better the neighbors Shouldn't see! There was no reason therefore To send poor Jack away!-- Perhaps it was just as well? Mrs. Horton wouldn't have Alice around Lest it embarrass Edith and--her.... I followed Alice some way and she seemed Quite cheerful enough. Waiting is much the same No matter what one expects. [Illustration] TWENTY-FIRST CATERWAUL Brough is through with the Courts And continues to ride in his car. He called for Edith last night When Mrs. Horton was out--she had gone To the hospital where Alice was Supposed to have gone.... Brough's chauffeur Isn't paid but it's the only way to get what One wants--to keep right on Especially when fishing for eels! Brough is a financier--the rest of us Only fish! [Illustration] TWENTY-SECOND CATERWAUL In my morning stroll I found The Jerolamon Jones' door stood open; I looked about and went in But received a scanty welcome-- Indeed I was promptly chased out By the maid. This afternoon Mrs. Jones called To beg Mrs. Horton To loan her the valuable cat As the maid had discovered A mouse. Thus do values increase And appreciation follow apace! [Illustration] TWENTY-THIRD CATERWAUL The maid that had chased me out Fondled me as she carried me over Till my fur bristled.... The mice have Disappeared--I finished as luncheon was served, And sat by the serving-table. But the Joneses all ate so much That I wasn't even noticed--and when I was, They sent me back to the Horton's At once.... Mrs. Horton fed me herself! [Illustration] TWENTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL I saw the maid, Alice, last night; She was wandering near the bright lights And the carnivorous shadows--Shadows That burned to my soul as I saw her Speak to a man. They went down the street Together, the veil of darkness hid them, And when I got home Mrs. Horton Was telling a friend that "Alice Was lost beyond any redemption; at any rate She herself could no longer help!"-- What problems beset our family! [Illustration] TWENTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL Jack was home for Christmas But I saw him hardly at all-- To the front door he now has a key And the hours he keeps are quite varied. One morning he slept very late And the name that he spoke in his dreams Was "Alice." Mrs. Horton was proud of her son and the party She gave him was sumptuous. [Illustration] TWENTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL We have a new cook at the Horton's Who saves the bean water for soup.... I've enjoyed such broth at the Mallory's, But at the Horton's!!!-- And their bills are always as large As before Bridget was installed. But Edith and Mrs. Horton are pleased And the baby and I can't complain!! [Illustration] TWENTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL There's a new baby at the Mallory's And the rest of the children are pleased; Mallory and his wife are as happy as larks.... Edith Horton has a toy Angora And Mrs. Horton has forgotten me-- Indeed she has put me out.... Again I must wander the streets! [Illustration] TWENTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL I followed Alice last night Down to her alley and room-- She stooped as she entered her door And petted me much as she used to.... Then she cuddled her baby and seemed Far fonder of it than Mrs. Horton of hers And nearly as much As Edith of her angora.... [Illustration] TWENTY-NINTH CATERWAUL I sat on the curb at the corner Just outside the saloon Where politics rule and Presidents are made and unmade. Two men were discussing the War.... And when they were through, the conclusion Was discussion untempered by argument.... Unconvinced I went on my way. [Illustration] THIRTIETH CATERWAUL All afternoon I sat in the shade Of a hideous skyscraper On the Avenue. Women of all sorts went by And their footgear and stockings Were varied. Skirts that our grandmothers used To clothe five- and ten-year-old girlies Revealed twelve inches of hose-- Nor the three-shade boots that shod them Would help a Chinaman guess The age of the wearers who proudly Boasted this awful foundation.... And yet are most of the women Sweet-souled and modest.... I polished my claws once again! [Illustration] THIRTY-FIRST CATERWAUL I looked in at the restaurant window Through which gleamed a medley of color-- Diamonds, pearl pendants and rubies, And ruby and gold was the wine Blazing first in glasses rich-stemmed, Then blazoned bright in the glances Of women; Some with their husbands and fathers, Others leering and brazen-- But my milk tasted sweeter Next morning, for to the poor All things are pure! [Illustration] THIRTY-SECOND CATERWAUL I hadn't eaten for hours And all the house doors were shut-- The heat of the sun was oppressive So I languished in the shade, Though my appetite was appalling.... Beside there were plenty of sparrows Ready to eat when I chose to.... But when the sun was gone, So were the sparrows! [Illustration] THIRTY-THIRD CATERWAUL The Mallorys have taken me in.... Mallory says: one more to feed.... But the children like it to play And it looks like Horton's old cat So it's certain to be a good one.... Even if discarded. [Illustration] THIRTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL Mrs. Mallory read from the paper Where wise ones answer fool's queries And this was one of the questions: Is it possible a woman Who has bitten her nails all her life Since first she had teeth Could so cause her baby The affliction of two thumbs on one hand?... Did they ever think that of cats? [Illustration] THIRTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL If we really had nine lives, None akin to the others And all the hopes of each life Were answered in the next, Perhaps a cat's existence would Still be unsatisfactory? [Illustration] THIRTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL Joe Mallory told Jack about Alice-- At least of her fate. Jack found her address And wanted to help.... And yet there are some Who believe heredity infallible! [Illustration] THIRTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL While Jack tried to smother Alice's wild burning fires Joe never obtruded-- But when Jack was not watching Joe brought more wood To the kindling.... Still they were friends. [Illustration] THIRTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL You should have read Brough's Obituary.... He died When he'd rescued a fortune By making hardware and debts: ... MOST RESPECTED MERCHANT ... PHILANTHROPIST.... Loss to The Community ... and over a Dozen "Resolved's." The Merchants' Club framed his picture. And to think Generations of men proudly Will claim his descent! [Illustration] THIRTY-NINTH CATERWAUL Edith Horton is married-- (Joe Mallory went to the wedding)-- Many a thorn-edge is dulled By brushing it by in a hurry.... And roses often change hue Between the bright sun and the limelight. [Illustration] FORTIETH CATERWAUL I watched a man cranking his motor. It stalled.... He tinkered with levers Till he gave it up in despair And stood disconsolate staring. When he cranked it again It started so quickly That it raised the hair of my coat. [Illustration] FORTY-FIRST CATERWAUL Jones' collie and Mallory's hound Were discussing a new-found bone With vicious snarling and snapping And other unseemly behaviour.... On the fence above them I sat Distressed.... Neither dared touch the prize.... Nor would either allow the other. Then Jerry and Joe both whistled.... The bone lies forgotten and wasted. [Illustration] FORTY-SECOND CATERWAUL It grew very warm in the house, The Mallorys mopping and sweating-- Perspiration is fuel for temper-- Even I couldn't stand the heat Nor tell them no windows were open.... But cats are always too obvious; So I went out for a walk. [Illustration] FORTY-THIRD CATERWAUL Alice is dead of consumption.... All Jack's efforts were useless; Disconsolate he tried to comfort The last of her wasted moments.... "God will forgive you," he whispered.... Yet who is the judge of the Damned?-- And Joe is much disappointed Though he feels he may have hurried Alice's end.... I wonder What I repent?--or is it only Regret? [Illustration] FORTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL All my life I have studied The passerby-faces And known them.... Sometimes they noticed me; Others more often seemed Unconscious I saw them. I wondered what they were thinking.... Or had they no thoughts But like wax that responds To momentary impressions? I'm sure I read all the faces.... Did I know them-- Except when they kicked me Or petted? [Illustration] FORTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL At last I have to confess That all my judgment is blinded! Jack and Joe are now partners, Croesus and Job united In one homogeneous effort.... And yet my kind make nights hideous By howling continuous calamity! [Illustration] FORTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL Now that the Mallorys have money They haven't changed the brand Of my milk nor their butcher. They wear more clothes And better; but they still Continue to pet me. [Illustration] FORTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL Joe sent Pat Mallory through college; Up there Pat says that his father Is Superintendent of power-- Old Mallory's just a plain foreman-- But Pat still with reason Differs From the verdict given by Horton, For Pat still worships his father, And still calls me Poor old Cat.... [Illustration] FORTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL I heard Pat talking of college-- Some of Pat's friends have been visiting-- I wondered what they were learning! Pat is surely improving. Still Joe would always have prospered In or out of a college-- And yet I shall always be Just a cat. [Illustration] FORTY-NINTH CATERWAUL I've watched in the rain and snow Sunshine and cloudy weather For any change in my spirit; But whether I've eaten a fish Or had just a drink of milk,-- Only that I found made A difference. [Illustration] FIFTIETH CATERWAUL Go on with your work-- Patient Stranger! I've told you enough of my Wanderings. The Mallorys are troubled with mice And never close house for the summer! [Illustration] *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FELINE PHILOSOPHY *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. 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