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[Illustration: HELPFUL DONTS]

[Transcriber's Notes: The original text had some words superscripted on
this page. Those words have been surrounded by {curly braces} to signify
this.]



    T{HE} COLLEGE FRESHMAN'S
    DON'T BOOK

    {IN THE} INTERESTS {OF} FRESHMEN {AT} LARGE
    ESPECIALLY THOSE WHOSE REMAINING
    {AT} LARGE UNINSTRUCTED {&} UNGUIDED
    APPEARS A WORRY {AND} A MENACE {TO}
    COLLEGE {&} UNIVERSITY SOCIETY THESE
    REMARKS {AND} HINTS ARE SET FORTH
    BY G. F. E. (A. B.) A SYMPATHIZER

    THE ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHARLES FRANK INGERSON
    THE DECORATIONS & INITIALS BY RAYMOND CARTER

[Illustration]

    PAUL ELDER {AND} COMPANY
    PUBLISHERS ::: SAN FRANCISCO




    TO
    H. H. C.
    TOGETHER WE WERE
    SMALL FROGS
    IN THAT GREAT ACADEMIC PUDDLE
    THE OLDEST IN OUR LAND
    AND
    IN MEMORY OF THE POLLIWOG STAGE
    I DEDICATE TO YOU
    THIS PLUNGE


    _Copyright, 1910
    by Paul Elder and Company
    San Francisco_




CONTENTS


                                               Page
    As to the Place                               1
    As to Settling Down                           3
    As to Dress                                  11
    As to Dining                                 15
    As to Lectures and Studies                   18
    As to College Organizations and Friends      26
    As to Things in General                      32




ILLUSTRATIONS


                                                          Opposite
    Helpful Don'ts, _Frontispiece_                            Page
    The weather is generally the _only_ thing
          about a College Town not yet educated                  2
    Don't overdo the _decoration_ of your room                   8
    Don't dress too sporty                                      12
    Don't monopolize the _conversation_ at the table            16
    Don't fail to keep in mind the steps of _descent_           24
    Don't answer back if the Coach _speaks harshly_ to you      28
    Don't pawn your watch during your first year                34




AS TO THE PLACE


[Sidenote: THE COLLEGE TOWN]

DON'T imagine that you _own_ the _College Town_ from the moment you
strike it. Remember, there are prior claims, and you're not the _first_
squatter.

[Sidenote: ITS WEATHER]

_Don't_ expect the College Town to furnish you with good weather;
because it won't. The weather is generally the _only_ thing about a
College Town not yet educated. Of course, if you happen to have come
from Lapland or Patagonia, and do not know what good weather is, the
weather here _may_ suit you. The oldest inhabitants in a College Town
live to be very old; this is to be accounted for by the fact that they
are kept alive by their curiosity to see _what_ kind of weather is
going to develop next.

[Sidenote: THE COLLEGE SIGHTS]

_Don't_ forget that sight-seeing relatives and others coming on a visit
to the College, _must_ see the Library, the Gymnasium, the Dining Hall,
and the Athletic Field. These, and the Campus, are generally all the
sights there are. It is well to get this list carefully in mind _early_,
as it saves you from a panic at the last minute. You often think that
you will explore the place and get something _new_ to show people; but
this you never do. The above list is a fairly accurate one, and it
suffices. Those whom you are guiding about always pretend they are
_dreadfully_ interested and excited about every thing in turn. On your
first trip as official guide, you yourself see a great deal; on your
fiftieth, you try _not_ to.

[Illustration: THE WEATHER IS GENERALLY THE _ONLY_ THING ABOUT A COLLEGE
TOWN NOT YET EDUCATED]




AS TO SETTLING DOWN


[Sidenote: YOUR ARRIVAL]

DON'T think that your _mere arrival_ at College has made you able to
_relieve Atlas_ in holding up the World. The World's idea of you at this
point is, that you're something like a gold-fish just let loose in a
glass globe. It _will begin to expect_ something of you when you're
dumped into the big Ocean.

[Sidenote: YOUR RESIDENCE]

_Don't_, if you can possibly side-step it, begin to live in a place
which you do not like. The _Blue-Willies_ may lurk in the corners. Many
a _Freshman_ changes his residence about the _mid-year_, because he has
not made a careful selection at first. The moving often entails cracked
wash-bowls, broken pictures and casts, stifled oaths, and a sense of
_great unrest_ not appropriate to the season.

[Sidenote: YOUR LANDLADY]

_Don't_ treat your _Landlady_ shabbily if you happen to live in a
private house. Some Landladies are the best souls in the world. All of
them are proud and _descended from the best early families_ (you have
only to take _their_ word for this). Though they are often inquisitive,
their inquisitiveness often comes from their genuine interest in you.
Sometimes, _the more they know_ of your family history, _the less they
will charge_ you for oil and gas, at the end of the month.

[Sidenote: HER RIGHTS]

_Don't_ begin _too_ early in the term to make your Landlady's house a
_noisy abode_. She may get impatient and do something hasty, such as
even demanding your key, payment and evacuation. In _such_ an event you
see the full meaning of her appellation. Whereas, before you may have
thought that the word "land" in her title meant to _catch_, as to _land
a fish_, you now see that it is primarily derived from her ability _to
come down hard_ on a special occasion.

[Sidenote: THE DUSTING LADY]

_Don't_ be discouraged if you can't find anything in the right place
after the _dusting lady_ has put things in order. It's a _way they
have_.

[Sidenote: YOUR ROOM]

_Don't_ neglect taste in your room. How do you know but that somebody
may judge you by the way you decorate your study? Presumably, you were
not _raised in a barn_, and there can be no _harm_ in letting the
appearance of your room bear out this as fact.

[Sidenote: FITTING IT UP]

_Don't_ try to make a _royal residence_ of your room. Your taste may
alter. A College man's taste often undergoes rapid and violent
revolution _for the better_, within the first year.

[Sidenote: A WORD ABOUT RUGS]

_Don't_ think that you must have Turkish rugs. _Generally_, a _Freshman_
cannot tell the real article when he sees it. The man at the sale may
try to make you believe they'll never wear out. Never mind. You have
only to _get_ them to know what he means. Just get some old, reliable
patterns. There is a secret connected with this. The older and dirtier
they get, the more _Oriental_ they look. You've no idea how much
sweeping this saves.

[Sidenote: ABOUT BRIC-A-BRAC]

_Don't_ go in for a lot of fine china, the first term. How can _you_
tell but that your neighbors or visitors may not care as much for that
sort of thing as you? Remember, that in a room where costly china lies
about in profusion, a "rough-house" may be a more expensive variety of
entertainment than Grand Opera _with seats for the family_.

[Sidenote: ABOUT DECORATIONS]

_Don't_ get angry if a Senior comes into your room and looks about and
smiles. Probably, he's only remembering that _he_ once decorated his
room the way you now do yours. Just _keep your eyes open_ when you go
into older fellows' rooms. You'll soon learn that two crossed college
flags, a vile plaster copy of the Venus de Milo, and a copy of the Barye
Lion as _sole_ decorations may be lived down,--or later _pulled down_.
If you wish to be _exceptionally_ original, don't go in for either the
flags or the casts. Yet, in following years, these things may become
good old friends to remind you that _you_ were _once_ a Freshman.

[Sidenote: ABOUT FURNITURE]

_Don't_ overdo with respect to _furniture_, even if you can afford it;
it _may_ make some of your visitors uncomfortable. If you _can't_ afford
it, you'll be made uncomfortable yourself.

[Sidenote: THE COLLEGE COLOR]

_Don't_ mistake the _color_ of your College. A good many Freshmen do
this;--it is especially pathetic, by the way, to see a Freshman waving a
flag which is _off-color_ at a big game. Sometimes the mistake is
attributed to color-blindness. This is a charitable interpretation.

[Sidenote: ABOUT THAT STUDY-DESK]

_Don't_ buy a roll-top desk or an iron safe during your first year. You
know, you may not care to occupy one room _all through College_. We
heard of one house having to be torn down, that a Freshman might move
out with his roll-top desk. Not only this, but when he failed to find
another place, a house had to be built up around his cumbersome
furniture. It was a case of this or his _rooming in the desk_.

[Illustration: DONT OVERDO THE _DECORATION_ OF YOUR ROOM]

[Sidenote: GETTING ON]

_Don't_ think that you have fairly _got on_ to things while the tray of
your trunk is still _unpacked_.

[Sidenote: TAKING A HAZING]

_Don't_ look too sober if hazing happens to be in vogue, and the
Sophomores order you about. Remember that you can make the affair either
a _funeral_ or a _farce_; and it's pleasanter to be the leading man in a
farce than to be the principal at a funeral. The best way to get along
with Sophomores is to take them good-naturedly. Don't be nauseatingly
saccharine, for that's _just_ about as bad as getting mad about it. Just
fool them into thinking you're _enjoying_ yourself, and they'll stop.

[Sidenote: A TRICK ABOUT RECEIVING VISITORS]

_Don't_ neglect to _receive_ your _visitors_ as if you were glad to see
them. This is not encouraging hypocrisy, inasmuch as the recommendation
_need not include_ the laundryman or the tailor's collector. You
couldn't fool _them_, anyway. It is not polite, when visitors come,
always to be found with a green shade over your eyes. When a visitor
calls, look as if you had just been waiting for some one to talk to. If
you improve your time _between_ visitors, they ought not to cause you to
waste any valuable time.

[Sidenote: MUSICAL TEMPERANCE]

_Don't_ play the piano at all hours. Have a regular time for practice;
then your neighbors may _protect_ themselves. If you play the violin or
the trumpet, _don't overdo it_; you are tempting Fate.

[Sidenote: THE PROCTOR]

_Don't_ incur the anger of your Proctor by noisy conduct or disrespect.
Proctors--especially young ones--are apt to feel their oats and to
report you on slight provocation. But a friendly Proctor is a friend
worth having.




AS TO DRESS


[Sidenote: VARSITY AND PREP-SCHOOL FASHIONS]

DON'T wear your Prep-school hat-band, or flash your High-school
Fraternity pin upon your almost manly chest. These are stock
idiosyncrasies of the _Freshman_. Just remember that _School_ fashions
do _not_ prevail at _College_.

[Sidenote: THE "SPORTY" DRESSER]

_Don't_ dress too "sporty," during the first term. The effects you try
to imitate at _this_ period of the game are apt to be only the
superficial and amusing ones.

[Sidenote: A SHORT WORD ABOUT LONG HAIR]

_Don't_ wear _long_ hair. Hair, if left to grow as it listeth, may
attain to a surprising length within a single season. The Freshman year
is _not_ the time to test the accuracy of this statement. Wait till you
are a Sophomore; then you won't care to. Remember that long hair is the
_Poet's_ privilege (though _not_ always _proof_ of a Poet). To wear long
hair, you had better take out a Poet's license. In this respect a
_dog-license_ will do if you fail to qualify as Poet.

[Sidenote: WHISKERS AND SUCH]

_Don't_ feel it _incumbent_ upon you to wear a _beard_ or a _moustache_,
if you happen to have raised one on the farm or in England, during the
summer. Whiskers are the _plus sign_ of _masculinity_. Upper-classmen do
not appreciate them in Freshmen.

[Sidenote: ABOUT THOSE SPARKLERS]

_Don't_ wear too much _jewelry_; as an _over-amount_ of it suggests
trips to places where they _loan money_.

[Sidenote: HORSY ORNAMENTS]

_Don't_ affect stick-pins bearing large horses' heads or horseshoes,
thinking these will demonstrate that you _keep a gig_. The horsy
ornament connotes the coachman's white tie and the odor of the _stable_.

[Illustration: DONT DRESS TOO SPORTY]

[Sidenote: THAT CANE]

_Don't_ carry a _cane_ in your Freshman year; something is _very_ likely
to happen to it.

[Sidenote: THAT TALL HAT]

_Don't_ be found displaying a _tall hat_. A tall hat is a mighty nice
thing for Sister's wedding _at home_; but better _leave_ it there. Its
dignity is liable to fade, like the glory that was Greece and the
grandeur that was Rome. It was only because those nations got _too
chesty_, you remember, that the Vandals of old worried them.

[Sidenote: CRAZY MEN--CRAZY CLOTHES]

_Don't_ think that crazy or odd clothes are necessarily "College"
clothes. Lots of College men _do_ wear crazy clothes; but it isn't so
much because they're College men, as because they're _crazy_.

[Sidenote: SANE DRESS]

_Don't_ forget to dress neatly and up to your means. You owe it to
yourself to dress as _well_ as you can. I don't mean that owing this to
_yourself_ should necessitate your continually owing something to your
_tailor_. You do not _owe_ it to yourself to _owe anybody_.




AS TO DINING


[Sidenote: YOUR DINING PLACE]

DON'T begin by resorting habitually to the Quick Lunch. Nobody ever made
_friends_ at a Quick Lunch, except with the waitresses. Select a good
place where there are lots of fellows whom you will see continually. You
ought to pick out some good friends from among them.

[Sidenote: YOUR TABLE]

_Don't_ attempt, in a large dining hall, to get a place at a society,
club, or athletic table for which you have _not yet qualified_. You are
liable to _queer yourself_ from the start.

[Sidenote: TABLE TALK]

_Don't_ try continually to air the sum of _knowledge_ which you are
just assimilating. There are _few_ things more pathetic than the
first-year chemist who keeps asking you at table to "pass the NaCl," or
the fledgling psychologist who would try to prove that bread-and-butter
is matter for _the mind_ and not for _the stomach_.

[Sidenote: LOCAL EGOTISM]

_Don't_ keep telling how they do things in that part of the country
which _you_ come from. The assumption is, that since you came to
College, you are willing to _learn something_ of how they do things
here.

[Sidenote: LISTENING TO OTHERS]

_Don't monopolize the conversation_ at the table, especially if there
are older men around. You'll get yourself snubbed if you talk _too_ much
about _yourself_. Fellows don't care much whether your grandfather kept
a brake and ten horses, or drove a "shay" over the _plank-road_. Be a
good listener. Then, too, older men _like_ to be listened to. The
chances are you will learn a _sight_ more by hearing them than they will
by hearing _you_.

[Illustration: DONT MONOPOLIZE THE _CONVERSATION_ AT THE TABLE]

[Sidenote: KNOCKING THE GRUB]

_Don't_ continually _find fault_ with the things you have to eat. Act as
if you were used _to eating away from home_. Half the time the jokes you
make at the expense of the food come merely from an uncontrollable
desire to air your wit. "Knocking the grub" doesn't require _half_ so
much brains or individuality as _shutting up_ about it.




AS TO LECTURES AND STUDIES


[Sidenote: ATTENDANCE AT LECTURES]

DON'T forget to attend a _large per cent._ of your lectures. The
information dispensed in lectures is _often_ to be found _invaluable_ in
passing the Examinations.

[Sidenote: CHOOSING COURSES]

_Don't_ let yourself be mesmerized into taking a lot of things you feel
a positive _disinclination_ for. Many a Freshman has spoiled his first
year in this way; and, failing to pass, has left _College_ and become a
street-car conductor or a clerk.

[Sidenote: "SNAP" COURSES]

_Don't_ mistake the willingness to accept a "snap" course for a
_startling aptitude_ for a subject.

[Sidenote: ELECTIVE SYSTEM]

_Don't_ abuse the _Elective System_ if you are privileged to be at a
College where it is employed. It is a system which presupposes your own
_interest_ in your _intellectual welfare_. It is too easy to fill up
with a lot of unrelated subjects. You may say, "But I desire a broad
education." Very good. Did you ever go to a circus? There the prettiest
feats are performed upon the broad, spacious back of _one_ horse. The
rider gets the broadest-backed critter he can find that will keep
moving. Those who ride two and three horses _take a risk_. In College
you may find that when you try to do the _intellectual split_, you're
liable to _fall down between_ your horses.

[Sidenote: ABOUT MEETING PROFESSORS]

_Don't_ neglect any honest opportunities you may have to make friends
with an Instructor or a Professor. Meeting Teachers represents a
privilege and _not always_ necessarily a pull. As for knowing
Professors intimately, few do, except other Professors. As for their
knowing _us_ intimately, it might seem as if this seldom happens, until
it comes time to expel us.

[Sidenote: MALINGERING]

_Don't_ try to fool the College Doctor into believing that you can't go
to lectures, or are going to die, because you've sprained your left
thumb. Generally, the College Doctor is a shrewd man, or he would _not_
be the College Doctor.

[Sidenote: ABOUT REQUIRED READING]

_Don't_ fail to make a list of the _required reading_ in any course. And
do _some_ of it--say, a little more than will enable you merely to pass
the Exam. It is barely possible that the reading you have done in
connection with your College courses will some day prove you an
_educated man_. As for doing _all_ the reading that _all_ the
Professors require--well, a fellow _must_ sleep and eat.

[Sidenote: WORKING FOR EXAMS]

_Don't_ think that _Exams_ can be passed without any preparation. It
takes _some_. The _minimum_ has not yet been determined; nor has the
_maximum_. The _middlemum_ has even been known to vary, according as the
instructor imagines that the crowd _is_ or _is not_ taking the course as
a snap. The _little birdies_ are _surely_ in league with the Faculty.

[Sidenote: INTELLECTUAL NARCOTICS]

_Don't_ rely upon _special tutors_ to pass all your courses. It's lazy
and not entirely self-respecting. When our friend Gulliver went to
Laputa, he met certain Teachers who gave their pupils small intellectual
wafers. These they swallowed upon _empty stomachs_. As the wafers
digested, the tincture mounted to the pupil's brain, bearing the
proposition along with it. The same system of cramming exists today;
only it _doesn't always work as advertised_. A fellow resorts to special
tutors when he has lost confidence, and needs an _intellectual
narcotic_. Special tutors represent the drug-capsule of learning. _Why_
be a _dope-fiend_?

[Sidenote: IN THE EXAMS]

_Don't_ try in your _Exams_ to make a hit by writing long papers. The
_Exam_ is _not_ an endurance contest. Somehow, long papers don't take,
unless there is _some sense_ in everything you have written. If you
don't believe this, _try it and find out_.

[Sidenote: PREDIGESTED INFORMATION]

_Don't_ rely wholly upon _typewritten notes_ to get through your
courses. Many College Professors show no quarter to those whom they
ascertain to be addicted to this predigested form of information. Often
the Professor's life-specialty is the tracing of literary works to their
_sources_; so be careful. Better take notes in lectures; if this serve
no other purpose, 'twill keep you _awake_.

[Sidenote: PUTTING OFF WORK]

_Don't_ put off that long piece of _written work_ till the night before
it is due. A piece of work about which you have been warned months
beforehand, can't be done between 8 p.m. and 3 a.m. Here "_rush
orders_," contrary to the rule, spoil. If you come up to the scratch as
you should, in the matter of long pieces of written work, the Instructor
will almost forget how _dog-goned lazy_ you have been all along in the
little things.

[Sidenote: IDLING]

_Don't idle_ away time to such an extent that you get a reputation as an
idler, either among your friends, or with the members of the Faculty.
You'll find such a reputation hard to _live down_. Notwithstanding the
fact that everybody is _supposed_ to come by a love of Learning in
College, there are some things which the Faculty will _not_ take for
granted. With the Faculty, the chronic idler will find that his name is
_anathema_, or _Dennis_ at least.

[Sidenote: THE DESCENT TO AVERNUS]

_Don't_ fail to keep in mind the flight of steps which represents the
_descent_ from the plane of regular work. It goes something like this:
_work_, _slack work_, _probation_, _special probation_, then, "I am
sorry to inform you that the Faculty has decided that you are no longer
needed to ornament the College," etc. After which, it is the
greased-slide, _down and out_, so to speak. In other words, you are
about to feel the thrill of Academic life along your keel for the last
time. _Facilis descensus Averni_: Avernus being the cold, cold world,
and the bother of having to explain to one's relations and friends in
the home town _how it all happened_.

[Illustration: DONT FAIL TO KEEP IN MIND THE STEPS OF _DESCENT_]

[Sidenote: THE COLLEGE OFFICE]

_Don't_ show disrespect or contempt for the _College Dean_, or for the
retinue within his gates. Once you "queer" yourself with the _College
Office_, you are on dangerous footing, and the _College Degree_ you seek
is no longer seen to be "constant as the _northern star_." Keep the
Degree in mind; _hitch your wagon_ to it. But don't get _too_ ambitious
in the way of Degrees. We once heard of a fellow who was called up and
given the _Third Degree_ by the Faculty, without ever being graduated.




AS TO COLLEGE ORGANIZATIONS AND FRIENDS


[Sidenote: TRYING FOR THINGS]

DON'T hesitate to go out for _any teams_ or _papers_ or _musical clubs_
which you think you'd like to make. The mere _trying for things_ shows
you're not a _dead one_. If you are good enough, you'll find these
things mean more than you ever had thought they could; if you fail to
make them, you'll never regret having tried. As you grow older, you will
see that you _never_ could have done certain things you thought you
could, and you'll have a first-rate opinion of your former self and your
ambition.

[Sidenote: SORTING OUT YOUR INTERESTS]

_Don't_ be surprised or disappointed, if you find you have neither time
nor inclination to keep up with everything you thought you would, when
first coming to College. Your interests naturally needed a _sorting
out_.

[Sidenote: ONE WAY _NOT_ TO MAKE A TEAM]

_Don't_ think that offering suggestions to an athletic _Coach_ is the
way to _make a team_. And don't answer back if the _Coach_ speaks
harshly to you; be thankful for _any_ of his attention, even if it be
gruff. With some Coaches, swearing is more than a liberal art; many
think that the oftener they send their men to _Hell_ during practice,
the surer they are of sending them to _Victory_ in the contest.

[Sidenote: ABOUT SOCIAL CLUBS]

_Don't_, for Heaven's sake, ask people how one ought to go about getting
into _Social clubs_. It isn't considered polite. Just _why_, I can't
tell you; but you'll _learn why_, some day, if you are the _right
sort_.

[Sidenote: ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS]

_Don't_ hesitate to accept all chances for _making friends_, especially
among your Class. Don't think that you can always control the making of
friends; you _can't_. Friends are _Heaven-sent_. Hold the ones you make,
and count yourself lucky if you make half a dozen _very_ good friends
your first year. There is a difference between _acquaintances_ and
_friends_, by the way, just as there is a difference between fellows to
whom you'd casually offer a cigarette and those to whom you'd gladly
offer your pocket-book.

[Sidenote: USELESS PREJUDICE]

_Don't_ rely too much on _prejudice_ in deciding what certain fellows
may or may not be good for. You _may or may not_ be right. _Your_
standard may or may not be the only small stone on the seashore.

[Illustration: DONT ANSWER BACK IF THE COACH _SPEAKS HARSHLY_ TO YOU]

[Sidenote: ABOUT VISITING]

_Don't_ invite everybody you meet to your room. It doesn't pay. But make
a point of _accepting_ as many invitations as possible which come from
men you like. Visit any upper-classman who takes the trouble to offer
you his hospitality. It may help you to _get on_, later.

[Sidenote: THAT HAND-SHAKE]

_Don't_ shake hands like a clam. The _flipper-shake_ is not popular, and
may make you distrusted. You'll need a good _hand-shake_ all through
College.

[Sidenote: THE WOMAN QUESTION: THE QUESTIONABLE]

_Don't_ be one of those who continually pick up anything on the street
that wears a bonnet and high heels. There are lots of girls who are
willing, at any time, to be seen with a College man. _The varieties
differ_. Some are genuinely pretty; others wear the deliberate as
distinguished from the natural complexion, being perhaps not so well
preserved as carefully preserved. Maybe you think it is great fun to
take a partner into the small hotel dining-room with an
"I-do-this-every-evening" kind of air. But you _may_ find out, after
smoking your brandy and drinking your cigarettes, that it _isn't_
pleasant to be played for a "_good thing_."

[Sidenote: THE UNQUESTIONABLE]

_Don't_, however, neglect any opportunity to meet ladies of your own
station. You are _sure_ to require their society from time to time. The
Monastic life is not profitable for a man at College. The _purr of
pretty women_ and the occasional exchange of _amicable nothings_ will
preserve your social soul and keep the little _blood-pumping organ_ in
good condition.

[Sidenote: THE ART OF SHUTTING UP]

_Don't_ hesitate to hear other people's opinions. The World did not
begin, nor will it end, with _you_.

[Sidenote: WHERE SUCCESS FAILS]

_Don't strut_ or _look patronizing_, if you happen to have success; it
makes people feel sorry for you.

[Sidenote: THE LITTLE THINGS]

_Don't_ forget the _little_ things; fellows notice them. Some will even
judge you by the way you give or receive a match or cigarette.

[Sidenote: SUMMING UP THE CLUB PROBLEM]

_Don't_ imagine that your entire success in College will be finally
measured by the number of Clubs you make during your first year. Always
remember, that it is the standing of the ones you identify yourself with
which counts. Don't join _any_ final Club or Society until you _feel
pretty sure_ you could not do _better_.




AS TO THINGS IN GENERAL


[Sidenote: SAVING AND WASTING]

DON'T expect to lay up a bank account by what you save from living
inside your allowance. There are lots of unexpected things coming up
which cost money. Only be careful and choose the things that seem
necessary. You can't _save_ much money; but you don't have to _waste_ a
cent to live and be a gentleman.

[Sidenote: WRITING HOME]

_Don't_ forget to _write home_ once every so often. Mama and Papa are
always glad to see the College-town postmark; and, like as not, Papa is
paying your way through College. Think how you'd feel, if he forgot,
sometimes, to send that _check_!

[Sidenote: WHEN FATHER COMES TO TOWN]

_Don't_ treat _Father_ or _Uncle John_ shabbily if one of them happens
in town unexpectedly. Maybe _you'll_ have a son or a nephew in the old
place one day; and then _you'll_ like to take a run out, once in a
while, and see how things are getting on.

[Sidenote: SHOWING OFF AT HOME]

_Don't_ swagger when you go _home_ for your first Thanksgiving or
Christmas vacation. It doesn't make your friends envious of you. It's
apt to make them _sore_.

[Sidenote: RUNNING BILLS]

_Don't_ think that because you can charge things at almost any store in
the College Town, it is your duty to have your name on the books of
_every_ firm. You don't need to back _every_ enterprise; besides, most
every firm has a habit of rendering monthly bills, and a few of these
make even a _fair allowance_ look washed out and _faded_.

[Sidenote: THAT AUTOMOBILE]

_Don't_ think that it is your Father's duty to present you with an
_automobile_. In Father's day, it was _possible_ for a boy to go through
College without one of these things. Remember that it cost a few pence
to repair them and run them;--or rather run them and then repair them;
and Father's twenty years in business have taught him a _few_ things.
Many a father would as soon buy his son an auto, but is not willing to
_endow_ one.

[Sidenote: ABOUT PAWNING YOUR WATCH]

_Don't_ pawn your watch or sleeve-links during your first year. This
privilege is limited to upper-classmen who do Society. A pawn-ticket is
a _very_ compromising thing if found by some of your close relatives.
You don't know what it is? It is a thin slip of paper somewhat
resembling a check; only it weighs _more heavily on the mind_. No matter
_how_ funny a story you make at home of pawning your Grandfather's
watch, the heads of the family _never_ see the joke. When you rake in
the price of exchange for your pawned watch, it seems just like
_finding_ money, _but_ when you pay it back out of a slim allowance at
the end of the month, it seems like _losing_ the same amount, _plus_.

[Illustration: DONT PAWN YOUR WATCH DURING YOUR FIRST YEAR]

[Sidenote: GETTING HOOKED ON]

_Don't_ buy _cigars_ in _wholesale_ quantities from mysterious-looking
foreigners, who say they have just done a neat little job of smuggling
from Havana, and are willing to let you in on a _good_ thing. They may
even flatter you by telling you that _you_ look trustworthy. They really
mean that you look easy. It's _your_ move.

[Sidenote: BEGGARS]

_Don't_ give money to able-bodied beggars. Some may even speak good
French or German. If you happen to be taking French or German, you will
imagine that _you_ are the _only_ one in the world who can help them.
But don't yield. As for crippled or blind and deaf beggars, help them
now and then. You don't have to listen to their reminiscences of _Life
in a Saw-mill_ to do this, unless you care for that sort of thing.

[Sidenote: QUESTIONS OF CONSCIENCE--YOUR OWN BUSINESS]

_Don't_ kill your _conscience_ in regard to matters which you have been
brought up to see in certain definite lights. If you think playing cards
for money and the drinking of beer wrong, then _don't_ play and _don't_
indulge. You'll never be thought less of in College for hanging on to
principle. Just be sure that your principles are _worth_ sticking up
for, and then _stick_. A wise old Englishman puts it this way: "Obey
your conscience; but just be _sure_ that your conscience is not that of
an _ass_."

[Illustration: THE 52 PASTEBOARDS]

_Don't_ get into the _little game_ too often. Under certain conditions
it's as easy as rolling off the decalogue. Sometimes you get in because
you're afraid others will think you are afraid to play. This is really
not courage. A word more: when you're in, often the time when you
_think_ you can't afford to stop is just the time when you _can_ best
afford it. Take this advice; it is better than that of _R. E. Morse_.

[Sidenote: SPENDING MONEY]

_Don't_ keep _spending money_ for a lot of things that you would hardly
care to itemize in the account you send to Father. Remember how he said,
"I'll keep you decently, only I don't want College to make only a sport
of my boy." Sometimes, when you are pressed, you think of asking Father
to lend you money to be _paid back_ with interest, when you get _older_.
Don't be surprised if he refuses and asks, "_Where's_ your collateral?"
Remember that the Business World, hunting about for something to which
to attach its respect and admiration, does _not_ single out the
_Undergraduate_ in _College_.

[Sidenote: EARNING MONEY]

_Don't_ be ashamed of chances to _earn money_ in College, if you need
it. More fellows earn their way through College than you have any idea
of. College men have _lots_ of respect for a fellow who isn't ashamed to
_work_.

[Sidenote: THE DEAD GAME ACT]

_Don't_ be a Sport or a Snob. Either is fatal. The _dead game act_ plays
itself out sooner than those who work it suppose, and serves oftener to
_point a weakness_ than _adorn a virtue_.

[Sidenote: IMITATING]

_Don't imitate_ the manner of some one else. When you try to be _like
some one else_, you only succeed in being _unlike yourself_. People
don't expect or want you to be like them.

[Sidenote: THE FANCY INCOME POSE]

_Don't_ pretend that you have a _fancy income_, if you haven't. It's a
cheap, expensive pose. Lots of fellows get money regularly from home.
All they have to do, it would seem, is to rip open letters and sign
their names on the back of what falls out. If you _aren't_ in this
class, don't _pretend_ you are. It isn't _how much_ money you've got,
but _how you make what you've got do_, that shows you up a good one.

[Sidenote: THAT BANK ACCOUNT]

_Don't_ fail to keep one eye on that _bank account_. It _slowly_ and
_surely_ dwindles. It needs watching especially, about the time the elms
put on their new leaves, and the undergraduates their new flannel
trousers. To end the year with an over-drawn bank account is risky. No
fellow can afford to have his _credit_ go _below_ par.

[Sidenote: EXERCISE]

_Don't_ neglect the _health_ habit. Substitute the tennis racquet for
the cigarette, one of these days, and note the _difference_. It may
make you feel like a _King_ in the _pink_ of condition; after which
you'll probably try it again, which won't hurt you a bit.

[Sidenote: JOKES]

_Don't_ repeat _all_ the _jokes_ that come into your head. Avoid
especially jokes that may be old. Many a fellow's popularity may hinge
on the fact that he'll _listen_ to a funny story without insisting on
telling another that isn't _quite_ so funny.

[Sidenote: SHOWING OFF]

_Don't_, if you are from a large well-to-do Preparatory School, talk too
much about it, or think that the College must be run on the _same plan_
as your school. Your views may not be _appreciated_.

[Sidenote: SWAGGERING]

_Don't_ aspire to be taken for an upper-classman by cultivating a walk
or a _swagger_ or an _air_. You can work this _so_ hard, that finally
you are the only one deceived.

[Sidenote: ROWDYISM]

_Don't_ be rowdyish, or _get the reputation_ of being a drunken fellow.
The _real_ fun you get out of _College_ need not be a continual round of
batting.

[Sidenote: ABOUT BEING SNUBBED]

_Don't_ think it is always entirely the _other_ man's fault if he fails
to speak to you. If you have not the ability to make an impression worth
another's remembering, _look to yourself_.

[Sidenote: COLLEGE HABITS]

_Don't_ be a _fool_. This is the sum and the substance of all that
herein precedes. A fellow shows himself a fool or not a fool by his
_habits_. _College habits_ are funny things. The sooner you form your
College habits the _better_,--or _worse_. To put off the sensible
resolve till the time of your last exam may be as useless as the call of
the _doctor_ after the _minister_ has left.

[Sidenote: ABOUT BEING THE ASS]

_Don't_ imagine for a moment that coming to _College_ enables you to
act in a superior way to others who have not enjoyed the same privilege.
A _College_ career is a grand, good thing; but its _object_ is to enable
you, if possible, better to _understand_ the World, not to _lift_ you at
all above it. The World hates a fool; but a _College-bred fool_, it
thoroughly despises. Don't let your ears grow long, and don't bray.

[Sidenote: ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN]

_Don't_ imagine that the _College Catalogue_, or even _this book_, can
tell you _all_ the things you need to know concerning how to make a man
of yourself. After all, its really _up to you_. Look about, and be a
gentleman. You say, "But these few remarks hardly _begin_ to solve the
problem." And echo answers, "_VERBUM SAP_."




     HERE ENDS THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN'S DON'T BOOK BY G. F. E. (A. B.)
     A SYMPATHIZER. DECORATIONS AND INITIALS BY RAYMOND CARTER
     ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHARLES FRANK INGERSON PUBLISHED BY PAUL ELDER
     & COMPANY AND PRINTED FOR THEM BY THE TOMOYE PRESS UNDER THE
     DIRECTION OF J. H. NASH IN THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO DURING THE
     MONTH OF MAY AND YEAR NINETEEN HUNDRED & TEN

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber's Notes:

All of the illustration captions omit the apostrophe in the word
"DON'T." This was retained. All other punctuation was corrected if
wrong.

Page 9, "you" changed to "your" (your trunk is still)

Page 19, repeated word "to" deleted from text. Original read (liable to
_to fall down..._)

Page 29, "varities" changed to "varieties" (The varieties differ)