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MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day.

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:] _Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!"

_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?"

_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!"

    [_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

BEING

THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY

[Illustration]

_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

  JOHN LEECH,
  CHARLES KEENE,
  GEORGE DU MAURIER,
  SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
  PHIL MAY,
  E. T. REED,
  L. RAVEN-HILL,
  GORDON BROWNE,
  TOM BROWNE,
  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
  C. E. BROCK,
  REGINALD CLEAVER,
  CHARLES PEARS,
  A. S. BOYD,
  LEWIS BAUMER,
  DAVID WILSON,
  G. L. STAMPA,
  AND OTHERS.

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDON
  COUNTRY LIFE
  IN THE HIGHLANDS
  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
  IRISH HUMOUR
  COCKNEY HUMOUR
  IN SOCIETY
  AFTER DINNER STORIES
  IN BOHEMIA
  AT THE PLAY
  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
  ON THE CONTINONG
  RAILWAY BOOK
  AT THE SEASIDE
  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN
  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
  BOOK OF SPORTS
  GOLF STORIES
  IN WIG AND GOWN
  ON THE WARPATH
  BOOK OF LOVE
  WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: Take Back the Heart That You Gave Me]

ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR

Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever
rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!"
unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours
in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place;
here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most
preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin
of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a
gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark
Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I
used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar
to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who
is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the
idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories
equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's
advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know
to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders
of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and
how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not
guess!

It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial
policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible
pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the
mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two
jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of
fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared
the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an
especial butt for his shafts.

It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and
marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them
from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage,
and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to
become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the
prohibition!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't.

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out.

       *       *       *       *       *

ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his
heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married
some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best
thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a
man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at
all!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.

       *       *       *       *       *

DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man
of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like
tripe without onions.

       *       *       *       *       *

ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes.

       *       *       *       *       *

BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked,
booked, cooked.

       *       *       *       *       *

DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._
Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_."

       *       *       *       *       *

    DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

    Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
      "We've nothing left to eat;
    If things go on in this queer way,
      We shan't make _both ends meet_."

    The dame replied, in words discreet,
      "We're not so badly fed,
    If we can make but _one_ end _meat_,
      And make the other _bread_."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Clergyman._ "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman----"

_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a
lady encumbrance.

       *       *       *       *       *

ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a
wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many
unhappy marriages.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards!

       *       *       *       *       *

ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage
Register.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "There goes the _second_ Mrs. Muggeray!"

"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"

"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO

_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings
previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"

_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I
_love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for
two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.

       *       *       *       *       *

    LOVE SONG

    Love me, lady!
      My hair is gray;
    When round comes pay-day
      I cannot pay.
    My corns are awful,
      My prospects shady,
    I want a comforter:
      Love me, lady!

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _He._ "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last
night."

_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."

_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so
doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A NIGHT OF IT"

_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper
and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all
the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all
night!"

_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

A FRAGMENT

"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant
hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"

"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten...
that'll just do, won't it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRIMARY ROCK]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered
since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of
course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial
noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."

       *       *       *       *       *

A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.

       *       *       *       *       *

QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The
_Hem_isphere.

       *       *       *       *       *

A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does
it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her
weeds?

       *       *       *       *       *

A READY-MADE REJOINDER.--_He._ "You made a fool of me when I married
you, ma'am!" _She._ "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"

       *       *       *       *       *

MEM. BY AN OLD MAID.--If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone
else willing to do the same.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MAFEKING NIGHT

(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_)

_Voice_ (_from above_). "Good gracious, William! Why _don't_ you come to
bed?"

_William_ (_huskily_). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my
life to go to bed shober--and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE NEOGAMS--A WARNING

[Illustration]

    Newly married,
    Railway carried;
          Sighing.
    At the station
    Osculation;
          Crying.

    Smiling, parting;
    Hands at starting
          Gripping.
    Cozy quarters,
    Guards and porters
          Tipping.

[Illustration]

    On the journey
    Glances yearny,
          Mooning.
    Closely sitting,
    As is fitting,
          Spooning.

    Destination;
    Forced cessation.
          Pity!
    Porters poking
    Fun, and joking,
          Witty.

    On arriving,
    Carriage driving;
          Kissing.
    Lovely scenery,
    Lakes and greenery,
          Missing.

    Hotel, _table
    d'hôte_ a rabble.
          Shun it!
    Private cover
    Sooner over--
          Done it.

    Champagne drinking;
    Waiter winking.
          Curious!
    People smiling;
    Very riling;
          Furious.

[Illustration]

    After dining,
    Arms entwining,
          Walking
    Sipping honey--
    What's there funny?--
          Talking.

    So time passes;
    Grinning asses
          Guess 'em
    Newly married,
    Sorely harried--
          Bless 'em!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Casual Acquaintance._. "Hear you're to be married, Mr.
Ribbes. Congratulate you!"

_Mr. Ribbes._ "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations.
It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be,
she wants 'er _trousseau_, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin',
an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an'
'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an'
another--she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd--well, I
reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near _two-an'-eleven a pound_ afore I
git 'er 'ome!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG

THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT

    My rushlight, when first kindled,
      Twelve inches long wast thou;
    And I behold thee dwindled
      To one, my candle, now!

    How brief thy span, contrasted
      With rushlight's average life!
    A happier dip had lasted
      A week a happier wife.

    Where is my husband got to?
      Oh say, expiring light!
    A man ought really not to
      Stay out so every night.

    I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him
      To join his tippling lot:
    That Bradshaw! I detest him;--
      The good-for-nothing sot!

    Would that this piece of paper,
      Which, ere thy flame expire,
    I light from thee, my taper,
      Could set that club on fire.

       *       *       *       *       *

A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair.

       *       *       *       *       *

MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins
with a short engagement."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: Time--3 A.M.]

_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"

_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only
about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----"

_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A WET NURSE]

       *       *       *       *       *

"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still
hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----"
_Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard
it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the
materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I
shall feel safer!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's
awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a
whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or
something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit
of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are
clearing the room of every sign of luxury._

_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."

_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die
I shall be cremated, as my husband was."

_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful
things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case,
to--er--_cross out the C!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a
stiffish bill you've got there!"

_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know
you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would
cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A DECLARATION

"Louisa, you've stolen something."

"Go on!"

"You 'ave."

"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?"

"_My 'eart!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MARRIAGE MEMORIES

_What the Father says._--Which side must I stand on when I give her
away?

_What the Mother says._--I am sure the ices will be late for the
breakfast.

_What the Sister says._--I flatter myself I am the best looking of the
eight bridesmaids.

_What the Brother says._--Of course, the best man is behind his
time--just like him!

_What the Pew-opener says._--This way, my dear young lady!

_What the Beadle says._--They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion
to you the moment I see 'em a coming.

_What the Clergyman says._--Have you got the ring?

_What the Crowd says._--Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!

_What the Old Friend of the Family says._--I have known him too since he
was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!

_What the Funny Man says._--You can see from my face that I am just the
man to be associated with the bridesmaids.

_What the Best Man says._--Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

_What the Bride says._--Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa,
and--Emmy dear, please _do_ see the things are all right before we
start.

_What the Bridegroom says._--Thank goodness, it is all over.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "DECEIVERS EVER"

_Goldsmith._ "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"

_Customer_ (_who had chosen an engagement ring_).
"Ye--yes--um--'Augustus to Irene.' And--ah--loo' here--don't--ah--cut
'Irene' very deep!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A SCIENTIFIC WOOER

    "Drink to me only with thine eyes"--
      And if you happen to survive a
    So curious potion, pray advise
      How it affects the conjunctiva!
    This problem, which my mind absorbs,
      A veritable Gordian knot is:
    How can maids swallow with their orbs?
      Where's the protecting epiglottis?

    "I sent thee late a rosy wreath"--
      For Science' sake, my Angelina,
    And hope you noticed underneath
      Those buds of _rosa damascena._
    No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,
      And as for ardour, I've not got any;--
    I simply send you floral gifts
      To help you forward with your botany!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FLIRT'S PARADISE.--Coquet Island.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO SWEET OF HER!

_Lady_ (_recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady
friend_). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my
new name."

_Friend._ "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!"

"Has he? _I_ can't!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS

_Guest._ "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"

_Major Darby_ (_in an impressive whisper_). "Because _I_ fell in love at
_first_ sight!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FULL MOON]

[Illustration: FIRST QUARTER]

[Illustration: THIRD QUARTER]

[Illustration: NO MOON]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BRUTE CREATION.--Husbands who beat their wives.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HEIGHT OF MODESTY.--The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who
blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "_Are_ you comin' 'ome?"

"I'll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M'ria--(_hic_)--bur I _won't_
come 'ome."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Harold._ "And now, darling, tell me what your father
said when you told him we were engaged."

_Sybil._ "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS

    You know, I like you awfully, Jess,
      Phyllis, the same applies to you,
    To Edith and to Mary no less,
      Also to others, not a few.
    Yet some of you are rather "mad,"
      You choose to feel, I understand, a
    Slight sense of injury, since I've had
      The glorious luck to win Amanda.

    I wish, sincerely, it were not
      Impossible for me to fall
    In love with _some_ of you--a _lot_--
      In fact I'd gladly love you _all_!
    But, when you come to think it out,
      I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,
    You'll find it, I can have no doubt,
      More flattering that I should like you.

    Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,
      Fate does not send them thus their friends;
    Then let my final couplet (which
      I rather fancy) make amends.
    This fundamental truth, I trust,
      My seeming fickleness excuses--
    One simply loves because one _must_
      Whereas one likes because one _chooses_!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HIGHLY SATISFACTORY

_Mistress._ "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a
dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"

_Coachman_ (_the Fourth Husband_). "Well, mum, I had three good
characters with her?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _A._ "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about
to be married."

_B._ "Who's the lucky man?"

_A._ "Jones."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT!

_Husband._ "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my----"

_Wife._ "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your
letter!"     [_Tableau._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

VALENTINE'S DAY--THEN AND NOW

[Illustration: DOMESTIC TIE]

    THEN--THIRTY YEARS AGO. _Family assembled._

_Paterfamilias._ Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!

_Materfamilias._ Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used
to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!

_Eldest Daughter._ I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get
twice as many this.

_Second Daughter._ I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!

_Eldest Daughter._ So probable! How can you think of such silly things!
And how spiteful of you!

_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.

_Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and
distributed._

_Chorus._ What are they?

_Paterfamilias_ (_disgusted at his budget_). Valentines!

    NOW--TO-DAY. _Family assembled as before._

_Paterfamilias._ The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a
memorable date--somehow.

_Materfamilias._ To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.

_Eldest Daughter._ Is it really true, mother, that people used to
receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?

_Second Daughter._ Come, _you_ can surely remember. It's not so very
long for you.

_Eldest Daughter._ Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a
couple of years between us!

_Second Daughter._ Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!

_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!

_Enter servant with a solitary letter._

_Chorus._ What is it?

_Paterfamilias_ (_perusing a bill_). Not a Valentine!

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE ACT OF UNION."--Getting married.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson_ (_who can't always express
exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his
choice_). "And is this young lady your _fiasco_, Mr. Jones?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Brown._ "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly
lady you were walking with--now sitting here?"

_Smith_ (_the impecunious, who has married money_). "Oh, that's my
wife."

_Brown._ "Your wife! But"--(_lowering his voice_)--"She has only one
eye--and so awfully--I beg your pardon--but----"

_Smith_ (_pleasantly_). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's _deaf_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LOVE IN LACONICS

    _He._ Love you! Have me, dear?
    _She._ Humph! How much a year?
    _He._ Three hundred! Expectations.
    _She._ Tales of hope! Relations?
    _He._ Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.
            Eighty. Always found her
            Liberal. Thinks me Crichton,
            Seedy now at Brighton.
            Made her will,--a right 'un!
    _She._ Ah! _Aunt_-icipations,--
            Like _x_ in equations--
            Unknown quantity?
            Question! Let me see,
            Love + "screw" + _x_
            (Latter for expecs)
            Equals Me + You!
            Hardly think 'twill do!
            Do not wish to vex,
            But,--first find out _x_!
    _He._ If I prove _x_ ample--
    _She._ I'll no longer trample
            On your hopes.
    _He._                  Agreed!
    _She._ Hope you may succeed!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE RESULT OF AN IMPRUDENT MARRIAGE (_by our own Matrimonial
Adviser_).--County Court-ship.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?"

_Gertrude._ "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the other day,
and I wrote and told him never to dare to speak or write to me
again,---- and the wretch hasn't even had the decency to answer my
letter!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE IDEAL HUSBAND

My dear Ethel,--You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My
dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!)
dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort
of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after
looking before _you_ leap, and after an experience of some few years of
married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man . . .

[Illustration: WHO LIKES TO GO SHOPPING.]

You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an
immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip
porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should
advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club.
But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly
economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your
husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order
that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include
visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your
husband is of a maternal disposition, and one . . .

[Illustration: WHO DOES THIS.]

If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please
yourself, and by so doing you will delight . . .

[Illustration]

Yours affectionately, DORA.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN," &c.

_Parson_ (_to Ne'er-do-weel_). "What's this I hear, Giles--that your
wife has left you! Ah! this is what I----"

_Giles._ "She might do worse than that, sir."

_Parson_ (_shocked_). "Worse!"

_Giles._ "She might come back again!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW.

    I will not ask if thou canst touch
      The tuneful ivory key?
    Those silent notes of thine are such
      As quite suffice for me.

    I'll make no question if thy skill
      The pencil comprehends,
    Enough for me, love, if thou still
      Canst draw thy dividends!

       *       *       *       *       *

"SO SELFISH?"--_Husband_ (_with pride_). "My love, I've been
effecting--I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou----"

_Young Wife._ "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I
think--you might have insured mine while you were about it!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

BY A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN.--The latest thing out--My husband.

       *       *       *       *       *

CELIBACY AND WEDLOCK.--If single life is bad, then it stands to reason
that double life is twice as bad.

       *       *       *       *       *

EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN.--Matchmaking.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: VERY NECESSARY

_Young Wife._ "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married."

_Elderly Spinster._ "My child, I've always said I never _would_ and
never _could_ marry until I met a man different from other men and full
of courage."

_Young Wife._ "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE "OFF" SEASON

    Daphne, that day
      Do you remember
    (Then it was May,
      Now it's November)

    Plighting our troth
      Nothing should sever;
    Binding us both
      Firmly, for ever?

    Yes, I allow
      Strephon's more showy;--
    As for me, now
      I prefer Chloe.

    Yet, if men say
      "Fickle," remember
    Then it was May,
      Now it's November.

       *       *       *       *       *

PAPER FOR THE NEWLY-MARRIED.--_The Economist._

       *       *       *       *       *

"À PROPOS!"--_Sententious Old Bachelor_ (_in the course of
conversation_). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes,
but----'"

_Widow_ (_promptly_). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!"
    (_Tableau!_)

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _She._ "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me
in my own right?"

_He._ "Well, my dear girl, it's--er--nothing to me if he does!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.

[Illustration: ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE]

The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable
obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme
happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a
toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes
are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens.

We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few
extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare
to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart,
though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to
touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no
longer anything to him, and he--to use the imperfect but
comprehensive vernacular--is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader,
read on!

I.

_August_ 1, 1899.

DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--With reference to my visit last evening at the house
of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of
meeting you.

Having been much charmed by your conversation and general
attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate
the acquaintanceship further.

Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply,

Yours faithfully,

JOHN GREEN.

II.

_August_ 3, 1899.

MY DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of
your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure.

I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at
home.

With kindest regards, I beg to remain,

Yours very truly,

JOHN GREEN.

III.

_August_ 21, 1899.

MY DEAREST EVELINA,--Referring to our conversation this evening when
you consented to become my wife.

I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the
wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you
will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will
communicate your views to me in due course.

Trusting there is every happiness before us,

I remain,

Your darling Chickabiddy,

JOHN.

IV.

_August_ 22, 1899.

MY OWNEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY,--Enclosed please find 22-carat gold
engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of
which kindly acknowledge by return.

Trusting same will give every satisfaction,

I am,

Your only lovey-dovey,

JOHNNY.

X X X X X X       Kindly note kisses.

V.

_November_ 24, 1899.

MY SWEETEST EVELINA,--I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst.,
which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business.

In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you,
and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much
pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all
the world.

Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health.

I am, Your ownest own,

JOHN.

VI.

_January_ 4, 1900.

TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--In accordance with the intention expressed in my
letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel
containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have
been safely delivered.

I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters
which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your
intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice
one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter
in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt?

Yours faithfully,

JOHN GREEN.

VII.

_January_ 6, 1900.

TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of
yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21
last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you
request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my
solicitors.

Yours, &c.,

JOHN GREEN.

VIII.

15, _Peace Court, Temple, E.C._

Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co.,

_9a, Quarrel Row, E.C._

_Smythe_ v. _Green_.

GENTLEMEN,--We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date,
with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you
state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House,
and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your
client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been
commenced.

Yours faithfully,

BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHERS & Co.

       *       *       *       *       *

STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds
her at home and she doesn't expect him.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS

_Head of the Family._ "For what we are going to receive, make us truly
thankful.--Hem! Cold mutton again!"

_Wife of the Bussum._ "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. _Somebody_
must be economical. _People_ can't expect to have _Richmond_ and
_Greenwich_ dinners out of the little housekeeping money _I_ have."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc.

Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their
honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding
present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the
back way!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CAUTION

_Married Sister._ "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence
for your honeymoon?"

_Laura._ "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle
of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LOVE'S PROMPTINGS

_Edwin_ (_recit_). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee.
Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c.

_Angelina_ (_amorously_). "Oh, Edwin, how _do_ you think of such
beautiful things?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DIFFERENT ASPECTS

_She._ "Isn't it a pretty view?"

_Susceptible Youth._ "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MARRIED _v._ SINGLE

_Bee_ (_single_). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you
look so yellow!"

_Bella_ (_married_). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make _your_
complexion suit _any_ blouse, can't you!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _He._ "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford."

_She._ "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very
beautiful----"

_He._ "Oh! _I_ don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry
_you_."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT

_Miss Beekley._ "I'm so glad _I'm_ not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should
never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money."

_Mr. Soper._ "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt
on that score!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Bulkley._ "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all
over between us."

_Sympathetic Friend._ "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving
up."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Wife._ "I hope you talked plainly to him."

_Husband._ "I did indeed. _I_ told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!"

_Wife_ (_approvingly_). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE OLD, OLD STORY!

_The Colonel._ "Yes; _he_ was senior wrangler of his year, and _she_
took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!"

_Mrs. Jones._ "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their
conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!"

THEIR CONVERSATION

_He._ "And what would _dovey_ do, if lovey were to _die_?"

_She._ "Oh, dovey would die _too_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NEEDLESSLY POINTED

_Sympathetic Friend._ "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you
sadly after your _having been with her so long_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ALTRUISM

_Maud_ (_newly married_). "You look very melancholy, George; are you
sorry you married me?"

_George._ "No, dear--of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice
girls I can't marry."

_Maud._ "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody
but me?"

_George._ "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the
disappointment for _them_."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Jones_ (_newly married_). "There's my darling playing
the guitar."]

[Illustration: (_But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the
gravel!_)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_Jones._ "I will!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Mr. Jenks_ (_who likes Miss Constance_). "No, I assure you, Miss
Constance, I have _never_ indulged in flirtation."

_Miss Constance_ (_who does_ not _care for Mr. Jenks_). "Ah, perhaps you
have never had any _encouragement_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LUXURY OF LIBERTY.--_Bosom Friend._ "Well, dear, now that you are a
widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?" _Interesting Widow._
"Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know,
my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen
years?"

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE SILLY SEASON."--The Honeymoon.

       *       *       *       *       *

CONSOLATION.--_Mother-in-law._ "I'll be bound that Robert--I've lost all
patience with him--never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?"
_Daughter._ "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose." _Mother-in-law._
"Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE

_A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks_

      Provisions raw
      Long time he bore:
    Remonstrance was in vain;
      To escape the scrub
      He join'd a club:
    Nor dined at home again.

       *       *       *       *       *

MATRIMONY (_by our Musical Cynic_).--The common c(h)ord of two flats.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS

_Little Foot Page_ (_unexpectedly_). "Here's some gentlemen, please,
sir!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?"

"No. It's time you were married--and men don't care how ill-educated a
woman is."

"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST

_The Bride's Father_ (_to Bridegroom_). "Oh, John, you'll take _care_ of
her, _won't_ you!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

REFLECTIONS ON A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT

    We parted--cheerfully! Yet now
      I've fallen into disrepute
    With nearly all her friends, who vow
      That she's an angel, I'm a brute;
    Black isn't black enough for me
      My conduct will not bear inspection--
    A statement which I hold to be
      Fair food for critical reflection.

    We parted. The consummate ease
      With which "united hearts" can range
    From their allegiance, if they please,
      But illustrates the laws of change.
    The thoughts and tastes of yester year
      Fall under Father Time's correction--
    This is not critical, I fear,
      But platitudinous reflection!

    We parted. She had quite a pack
      Of friends, "nice boys," as she avowed;
    She called them Bob, and Dick, and Jack,
      And I was--one amongst the crowd.
    I did not, people may infer,
      Possess entire her young affection--
    Yet, be it understood, on her
      I cast no shadow of reflection!

    We parted. Men cannot persist--
      In playing uncongenial parts--
    I was a keen philatelist,
      Her hobby was collecting--hearts
    A simple case. I did not pine
      To add my heart to her collection,
    She had no stamps to add to mine,
      We parted--wisely, on reflection!

       *       *       *       *       *

CURIOUS DISTINCTION.--The English love; the French make love.--_Madame
Punch._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Mr. Grumble._ "I see by the paper that Mount Vesuvius is in eruption."

_Mrs. G._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"

_Mr. G._ "There you are again, Maria. Now why on earth should you be
glad?"

_Mrs. G._ "Well, you can't blame _me_ for it that's all!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS

_He._ "Do you remember your old school-friend Sophy Smythe?"

_She._ "Yes, indeed, I do. A most absurd-looking thing. So silly too!
What became of her?"

_He._ "Oh, nothing. Only--I married her."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN THE SAME BOAT

"I don't think she's pretty."

"Neither do I." (_After a pause._) "Did she refuse you too?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

GREAT EXPECTATIONS.--_Ethel_ (_youngest daughter_). "Oh, pa dear, what
did Geo---- what did young Mr. Brown want?" _Pa._ "Secret, my love.
'Wished to speak to me privately!" _Ethel._ "Oh, pa, but do tell
me--'cause he was so very attentive to me before you came in--and then
asked me to leave the room." _Pa._ "Well, my dear"--(_in a
whisper_)--"he'd left his purse at the office, and wanted to borrow
eighteenpence to pay his train home!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"SHARP'S THE WORD!"--_Wife._ "Poor mamma is dreadfully low-spirited this
morning, George. Only think--she has just expressed a wish to be
cremated!" _Husband_ (_with alacrity_). "'O'b-less my----" (_Throwing
down his newspaper._) "Tell her to put her things on, dear! I'll--I'll
drive her over at once!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ON THE CARDS

_Young Wife._ "Oh, mamma, do you know I believe Alfred's going to
reform, and give up gambling!"

_Her Mother._ "What makes you think so, dear?"

_Young Wife._ "Why all last night he kept talking in his sleep about his
miserable, worthless heart!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

PROFESSIONAL LOVE-LETTERS

[Illustration: LOOKING AFTER THE CHAPS]

I

_From_ MR. NORMAN DORMER, _Architect and Surveyor, to_ MISS CAROLINE
TOWER.

MY PRECIOUS,

Pity me who must stay and fret in London, while you are enjoying
yourself at Broadstairs. How I long to be there, surveying the ocean by
your side, and tracing your dear name on the sands! But fate and a
father have placed a barrier between us. So I pace up and down before
the old house in T---- Square, and look up at a certain dormitory on the
second story--in no state of elevation you may be sure--and make plans
for the future, and build castles in the air, and try to forget that my
designs on your heart appear ridiculous to your papa, whose estimate of
me I am aware is not in excess. For can I forget what he said that wet
Saturday afternoon in the back drawing-room, when I tendered myself to
him as a son-in-law, and the tender was not accepted? After telling him
that it was the summit, the pinnacle of my ambition to win you
as my wife, did he not answer that he considered I ought not to aspire
to your hand until the statement of my pecuniary means (as he worded it)
was more satisfactory, and, meanwhile, requested me to discontinue my
pointed attentions? Never until _you_ bid me. Only be firm, and the
difficulties now in our way will but serve to cement us more closely
together; only be true and I will wait patiently for that day which
shall put the coping-stone to my happiness. I build upon every word,
every look, every smile I can call to mind. You _will_ write and assure
me there is no foundation for the report of another and more fortunate
competitor, but that I still fill the same niche in your affections I
ever did? For, Caroline, were I to hear you were an "engaged" Tower, I
could not survive the blow. I should stab myself with my compasses in
the back office.

But away with such gloomy fears. Let me picture her to myself. How plumb
she stands! How arch she looks! What a beam in her eye! What a graceful
curve in her neck! What an exquisitely chiselled nose! What a brick of a
girl altogether! I must stop in my specification, or you will think
there is something wrong in my upper story, and not give credence to a
word I say.

I have just been calling on your sister, and saw your little pet Poppy,
who talked in her pretty _Early English_ about "Tant Tarry." Aunt Sarah
was there, staying the day, looking as mediæval as ever, and with her
hair dressed in the usual Decorated style. She hinted that you were
imperious, and that any man who married you must make up his mind (grim
joke) to fetch and Carry at your bidding. And then you were so
ambitious! The wiseacre! why, I will leave no stone unturned to get on
in my profession if you will only be constant. I will be the architect
of my own fortunes--your love the keystone of my prosperity. The columns
of every newspaper shall record my success; every capital in Europe
shall know my name. She did not unhinge me a bit, and the shafts of her
ridicule fell harmless; although, she made an allusion to "dumpy" men,
which I knew was levelled at me, and sneered at married life as very
pretty for a time, but the stucco soon fell off. Poor Aunt Sarah! I left
her sitting up quite perpendicular with that everlasting work which she
is always herring-boning. And now, Carry, darling--oh, dear! I am wanted
about something in our designs for the new Law Courts, and have only
time to sign myself,

Your own, till Domesday, NORMAN.

II

  _From_ MR. ALFRED PYE, _Professed Man Cook,
    to_
    MISS MARTHA BROWNING.

What a stew I was in all Friday, when no letter came from my Patty!
Everything went wrong. I made a hash of one of my _entrées_, and the
_chef_, who guessed the cause of my confusion, roasted me so that at
last I boiled over, and gave him rather a tart answer, for, as you know,
I am at times a little too peppery. Thy sweet note, when it _did_
arrive, made all right. I believe I was quite foolish, and went capering
about with delight. And then I cooled down, and composed a new
_soufflé_. So you see I do not fritter away _all_ my time, whatever
those malicious people who are so ready to carp at me may think.

You say you always like to know where I go in an evening. Well, I went
to the Trotters last night, and Fanny played the accompaniment, and I
sang--how it made me think of you!--"_Good-bye, Sweetbread, good-bye!_"
(How absurd! Do you see what I have written instead of _"Sweetheart"_?
All the force of habit. It will remind you of that night at Cookham,
when we were the top couple in the supper quadrille, and I shouted,
"Now, Side-dishes, begin!" and everybody roared except a certain young
lady, who looked a trifle vexed. Don't you remember that Spring? You
must, because the young potatoes were so small.)

Your _protégé_, Peter, goes on famously. He's a broth of a boy, not a
pickle, like many lads of his age, and yet he won't stand being sauced,
as he calls it. He and I nearly got parted at the station, for the crowd
was very great after the races--in fact, a regular jam. It rained hard
when we reached Sandwich, and I got dripping wet, for I had forgotten my
waterproof, and there was not a cab to be had. But now the weather has
changed again, and we are half baked. A broiling sun and not a puff of
wind.

There was no one in the train I knew. Some small fry stuffing buns all
the way, and opposite me a girl who had her hair crimped just like
yours, and wore exactly the same sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young
man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with
rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know _we_ are
never tender in public. It grated _so_ on my ear, that at last I made
some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in
that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the
rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your _carte_, and
concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the
_chef_ has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not
to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is
only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am
quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I
ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault,
miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I
come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but
shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted
grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry
favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for
our wedding trip?--Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia,
Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house
which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers
for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she
peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere
_entremets_, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial
_pièce de résistance_ -- Matrimony. Do you like the _menu_?
Then, my lamb, say "yes" to

Your own

ALFRED.

P.S.--I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And
it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than
buttered once. I _do_ hate flummery, certainly.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Partner of his Joys_ (_who has superintended the
removal_). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_She._ "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please."

_He._ "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well
enough!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY

_Angelina._ "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness
between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were
brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"

_Edwin._ "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling.
It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"

_Angelina (not without anxiety)._ "Dear me! And is it _invariably_ the
case, my love?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_The Widow's Intended._ "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my
good fortune."

_Tommy._ "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for
his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for
his ladye-love--leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's
horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been
sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered,
repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note_:--"Please wear
these this evening, for my sake!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "IS IT A FAILURE?"

_Mamma_ (_their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer_).
"Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may
consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't----"

_Papa_ (_a pessimist_). "Um--'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead
of one!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS!

_Wife._ "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."

_Solomon_ (_flippantly_) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a
funny bone!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "HUSBANDS IN WAITING"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Stout Wife._ "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a
man, you would lift me over!"

_Husband._ "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"

"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "SCORED"

_Little Wife._ "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."

_Lazy Husband._ "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I _must_ stay in, as I'm
expecting a friend every minute."

_Little Wife_ (_sarcastically_). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred!
What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT

_Genial Youth._ "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your
going to marry my sister Edie?"

_Gubbins._ "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"

_G. Y._ "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You
know _I've_ pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're
the first one who's been a _real stayer_!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_He._ "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me,
and I made them madly jealous of each other."

_She._ "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I"

_He._ "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"

_She._ "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful
for!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SUCH AN EXAMPLE

_Wife_ (_to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed,
and is muttering something to himself_). "Oh, Jack, how _can_ you!
Supposing baby were to hear you!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _She_ (_after they have walked three miles without a word
being spoken_). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to
say?"

_He._ "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."

_She._ "Say that tha loves me."

_He._ "It's a'reet _sayin_' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin'
loies!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)

            Married in white,
            You have hooked him all right.
            Married in grey,
            He will ne'er get away.
            Married in black,
            He will wish himself back.
            Married in red,
            He will wish himself dead.
            Married in green,
            _His_ true colour is seen.
            Married in blue,
            _He_ will look it, not _you_.
            Married in pearl,
            He the distaff will twirl.
            Married in yellow,
            Poor fellow! Poor fellow!
            Married in brown,
            Down, down, derry down.
            Married in pink,
            To a slave he will sink.
            Married in crimson,
            He'll dangle your whims on.
            Married in buff,
            He will soon have enough.
            Married in scarlet,
            Poor victimised varlet!
    Married in violet, purple, or puce,
    It doesn't much matter, they _all_ mean--the deuce!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM

STUDY FROM LIFE]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS

"My darling, will you take a little of the--a--the stuffing?"

"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE REAL FALL OF MAN.--Falling in love!

       *       *       *       *       *

QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION.--_Sophie_ (_after hearing about
Frank_). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're
_all_ liars!" _Beatrice._ "For shame, Sophie!" _Sophie_ (_regretfully_).
"At least all the _nice_ ones are!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INGRATITUDE

_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"

_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither
of them recognises me now!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.--Put your washing out if you do not wish
your husband to be put out.

       *       *       *       *       *

CONGRUOUS COUPLES.

    If there's a well-matched pair in married life
    It is a horsey man and nagging wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

APT ILLUSTRATION.--Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.

       *       *       *       *       *

FAR FROM IT.--The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a
lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will
become a lioness.

       *       *       *       *       *

OVER-SCRUPULOUS.--"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface--but I don't
attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I--I don't
approve of married clergymen!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"HOME RULE."--Petticoat government.

       *       *       *       *       *

CALF-LOVE

    Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
    Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
    But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half,
    And that's the love of the Golden Calf!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE

_She._ "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"

_Jock._ "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. NAGGLETON'S ADVICE TO A WIFE.--Defiance, not defence.

       *       *       *       *       *

LONG ODDS.--Tall husband and short wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

WORDS TO A WIFE

    Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,
      Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
    Do not answer that the glutton
      I bespeak me that I am.
    They in price, year after year, are
      Rising, thou must needs allow;
    Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:
      So, and yet not so, dost thou.

    For although my annual payment
      To my butcher waxeth still,
    Less and less each time for raiment,
      Wanes thy linendraper's bill.
    Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;
      Whence thy wisdom doth appear:
    Also, that I find thee, sweetest,
      Cheaper still and still more dear.

       *       *       *       *       *

ÆSTHETICS OF DRESS.--_Customer_ (_he has been bidden to a wedding, and
can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last
says_). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" _Tailor._ "Pardon me, sir;
if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TURTLE-DOVETAILING

["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the
establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the
introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable
or harmonious phrenological endowments."--_Daily Paper._]

_Miss Evergreen_ (_who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy_). "Well, it
may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of _cautiousness_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DIVORCE SHOP

    "A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer
    May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,
      For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.
    But _this_ kind of shop? By his _bâton_ and hunch,
    The thought of it sickens the spirit of _Punch_,
      And sets his cheek angrily glowing.

    The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs
    Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,
      And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.
    But here is a business that's not to be borne;
    Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,
      Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.

    The skunk _not_ indigenous, sirs, to our Isle?
    The assertion might well bring a cynical smile
      To the lips of a critical Yankee.
    The vermin is here; he has set up a shop,
    And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop
      Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky.

    Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape,
    She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape,
      Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle.
    John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine
    To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin
      Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle.

    'Ware snakes! No, _Punch_ begs the ophidian's pardon!
    The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden
          Is not so revolting as these are,
    These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy
    Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye,
      Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar.

    Find? Well, if unable to _find_ they will _make_.
    No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake
      To spring on the passer unwary,
    Was not such an _anguis in herbâ_ as this is,
    Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses
      Is so calculatingly chary.

    The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale?
    False evidence meant to weight justice's scale,
      Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications,
    The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge
    Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge
      Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations.

    Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite
    In the pay of home-hate or political spite,
      Is a portent as mean as malignant.
    The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel,
    His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel
      Of honesty hotly indignant.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE DIVORCE SHOP

_Private Inquiry Agent._ "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly,
sir,--certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest
possible notice!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK.--A husband's wardrobe.

       *       *       *       *       *

A PARTING INJUNCTION.--A decree in the Divorce Court.

       *       *       *       *       *

SIMPLE.--_Q._ When is a man tied to time? _A._ When he marries a second.

       *       *       *       *       *

"NATURAL SELECTION."--Choosing a wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the bed._ "_No_, I will _not_
come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I _will_ be master in
my own house!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN MARRYING HIS DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER.--Because
he will only have one mother-in-law.

       *       *       *       *       *

A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE

(_A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British
Idiom of End-dearment_)

ACT I.--_Before the Event._

_Adolphus._ Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then--a
playful little puss!

_Seraphina._ Ah! I suppose it must have its own way--a sad young dog.

ACT II.--_After the Event._

_Seraphina_ (_with emphasis_). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me
so--you insolent puppy!

_Adolphus_ (_with decided emphasis_). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!

_Curtain falls._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST SETTLEMENT FOR A RICH WIFE WHO ELOPES.--A penal one.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: COLD SYMPATHY

_Friend._ "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"

_Gilded Youth._ "Just proposed to a girl--been refused. Think I shall
blow my brains out!"

_Friend._ "Congratulate you, old chap!"

_Gilded Youth._ "What do you mean?"

_Friend._ "Didn't know you had any!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM

_Gertrude._ "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."

_Evelyn._ "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he
died almost immediately afterwards."

_Gertrude._ "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SEVEN WONDERS                      THE SEVEN WONDERS
OF A MARRIED MAN.                      OF A MARRIED
                                       WOMAN.

1. NOT going to sleep after            1. NEVER having "a
dinner!                                gown to put on," when
                                       invited out anywhere.

2. Never going anywhere                2. Always being down the
in the evening, excepting              first to breakfast! always
"to the club!"                         being dressed in time for
                                       dinner! and never keeping
                                       the carriage (or the cab)
                                       waiting at the door a
                                       minute!

3. Always being good-tempered          3. Not always having
over the loss of a                     "delicate health," about
button, and never wreaking             the autumn, and being
his vengeance on the coals             recommended by her medical
if the dinner isn't ready              man "change of air"
exactly to a minute!                   immediately!

4. Never finding fault with            4. Keeping up her "playing
his "dear little wifey", if            and singing" the same
she happens to be his partner          after marriage as before!
at whist.

5. Not "wondering,"                    5. Giving her husband the
regularly every week, "how             best cup of tea!
the money goes!"

6. Resigning himself                   6. Never making the house
cheerfully, when asked to              uncomfortable by continually
accompany his wife on "a               "putting it to rights!"--nor
little shopping!"                      filling it choke-full
                                       with a number of things it
                                       does not want, simply because
                                       they are "bargains!"

7. Insisting upon the                  7. Never alluding, under
servants sitting up, sooner            the strongest provocation,
than take the latchkey with            to "the complete sacrifice
him!!!                                 she has made of herself!"--nor
                                       regretting the "two or
                                       three good offers," which
                                       she (in common with every
                                       married woman) had before
                                       she was foolish enough to
                                       accept _him_!!--and never,
                                       by any accident, calling her
                                       husband "a brute!"

       *       *       *       *       *

ALL FOR MONEY.--Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their
wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case,
Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY

_Comely Housemaid._ "None for you, miss."

_Daughter of the House._ "But--why--who are all those for, then?"

_Comely Housemaid._ "Me, miss!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE BALANCE RESTORED

_Mrs. Henry Peek._ "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when
nobody else thought anything about you!"

_Mr. Henry Peek_ (_wearily_). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me
now!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SHE "JESTS AT SCARS," ETC.--_Aunt._ "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is
she?" _Sarcastic Younger Sister_ (_fancy free_). "Oh, pretty well, but
she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred';
at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems
and a _Dictionary_!!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

AN OLD-MAIDISM.--Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally
manages to open his eyes.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"

"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told
me you were well off."

"So I was. But I didn't know it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mr. Guzzle._ "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be
married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours
up to the mark. She wants it!"

_Mr. Jinks._ "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WAITING

    Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
      Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
    Approach, in beauty past compare,
      And spell Love's alphabet to me!

    Content no more am I each night,
      Amid a weird, dyspeptic host,
    To order, with a keen delight,
      And watch thee bring, the tea and toast.

    I covet more transcendent joys;
      Be mine, and come where Ocean waits
    Instead of thee, and where annoys
      No tinkling clash of cups and plates.

    There grant to me, beneath the stars,
      Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss;
    Not pastry, that digestion mars,
      But something sweeter still--a kiss.

                     * * *

    Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
      Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
    Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer,
      And be not D. E. F. to me!

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO HONEYMOONERS ABOUT TO START ON A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--The most
appropriate place for "_les noces_" should be "The Hotel Marry-time,
Calais."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS

_Lady Binks_ (_a devoted widow, earnestly_). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be
careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest
positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to
the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and
talents."

_Mr. Crichton_ (_plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle_). "Surely,
Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LITERAL.--_Visitor_ (_to Disconsolate One_). "Rejected you, did she? Oh,
what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious
enough. You should have pressed her----"

_Dejected One._ "Yes, but--confound her!--she wouldn't let me come near
her!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PARRIED

_The Major_ (_not so young as he feels_). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the
spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of----"

_Miss Muriel_ (_who wishes to avoid a proposal_). "What a memory you
have, major!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _He._ "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, _don't_ call me Mr.
Brookes."

_She._ "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so
sudden----" (_Sweetly._) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?"

_He._ "Oh--only because my name's Somerset!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"UNEQUAL RATING."--A big wife scolding a little husband.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DIVORCE MEASURE.--Half and half.

       *       *       *       *       *

FEMININE PERVERSITY.--_Aunt Betsy._ "I wonder, James, at your
encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match,
and not a good fellow, I fear!" _Papa._ "Confound him, no! I've given
him _carte-blanche_ to come when he likes, and she's getting rather
tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" _Aunt Betsy._
"And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" _Papa._ "No;
I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be
mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes
she'll marry him some day!"

       *       *       *       *       *

VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT.

    Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure.
    But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure.
    Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry,
    It's clearly a failure--because men _won't_ marry.

       *       *       *       *       *

AN "ELASTIC BAND."--The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court).

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A PARTHIAN SHOT

_He_ (_after a quarrel, bitterly_). "I _was_ a fool when I married
_you_!"

_She_ (_quietly, about to leave the room_). "Yes; but I thought you
would improve!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HARMONY

_Brown_ (_Philistine_). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss
Roweshett."

_Wobbinson_ (_Æsthete_). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!--she
didn't suit my furnitchar!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_'Liza._ "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?"

_Katie._ "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin'
daown yer back!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SONG OF THE HIGHER SENTIMENTS

    I live a mild domestic life,
    Devoted dearly to my wife,
    So much so, that from her extends
    My fond affection to her friends;
    And first of all--no spooney raw--
    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!

    My pet's old parent's rather stout;
    I just might clasp her waist about:
    Some three yards round, and not much more.
    I've thoughts of widening my front-door,
    I shouldn't mind the expense one straw.
    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!

    At times I may myself forget,
    Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet;
    But when I don't do all I should,
    Her telling tends to make me good;
    I'm pleased to have her find the flaw.
    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!

    The servants that upon her wait
    A pleasure have which must be great.
    And yet can we get none to stay.
    I grieve so when she goes away!
    Tears from my eyes her turned heels draw.
    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!

    A sweet old soul, how pleased I feel
    To see her at the social meal
    Of dinner sit, her mouth a chink
    Ne'er opened save to meat--and drink!
    And I'll ne'er grudge (I am so free)
    Her gin and brandy in her tea.
    I hold her in such filial awe;
    Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Just look at Mr. Jones over there, flirting with that
girl! I always thought he was a woman-hater?"

"So he is; but she's not here to-night!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE STRAIGHT TIP.--"And so now they're engaged! _Well_, Jessie, to think
of _you_, with your beauty and accomplishments, and your lovely voice,
being cut out by such an ignorant little fright as that Maggie Quickson!
You _sang_ to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But _she_ made
_him_ sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why,
_can_ he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him _believe_ he could!"

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A "KISS."--Go it, my two lips.

       *       *       *       *       *

CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his
affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host
that the Pommery '80 is rather corked?

_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_He._ "How would you like to own a--er--a little puppy?"

_She._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO MAKE LIFE EMINENTLY DISAGREEABLE

(_By a strong-minded Married Woman_)


Always provide for everything beforehand. As things are sure to turn out
differently from what you have arranged, this will familiarise you with
disappointment.

Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and so take the
opportunity of proving how much better things would have been if
something had been done that hasn't.

Never give way in trifles, as there is no saying how soon you may be
called upon to give way in matters of more importance.

A mistress may talk _at_ her servants, but should never lower herself so
far as to talk _to_ them.

Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your
gifts of mind, not your attractions of person.

Never give expression to your affections, as there is no saying how
soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency.

Never consult the taste of your husband, or he will in time come to look
on his house as a club, where all is comfort and self-indulgence.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO AN OLD FLAME--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER)

    A little girl, a charming tiny tot,
      I well remember you with many a curl,
    Although I recollect you said "I'm not
                A _little_ girl."

    We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl
      Of life, again, alas! I saw you not.
    I kept you in my memory as a pearl
      Of winsome childhood. So imagine what
    A shock it was this morning to unfurl
      My morning paper, there to see you've got
                A little girl!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE POET AND HIS LOVE--(A LAPSUS LINGUÆ.)--_He._ "I see that you wear
brown boots, sweetheart--a sign of the falling of the year." _She._
"Yes, it is in concord with the decadence of the leaf." _He._ "Say
rather of the cutting of the corn." (_And then the match was broken off
through no fault of his._)

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SAFE MORTGAGE

_Angelina._ "Edwin, promise me you'll never describe me as your
'relict.'"

_Edwin._ "Dearest, I never will! I'd die sooner!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_). "Just come in a
minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."

_Jones_. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see, how's the
enemy."

_Brown_. "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"Well, but if you can't bear
her, whatever made you propose?" "Well, we had danced three dances, and
I couldn't think of anything else to say!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FIN DE SIÈCLE SUITOR.

    I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way,
    I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day,
    Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast,
    The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last.

    On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart,
    With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part,
    I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen?
    You'll find the verses published in our local magazine.

    So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose,
    But for one great objection, which now I will disclose,
    Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short,
    The fact is, that _a husband you're not able to support_.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW DISH FOR A WEDDING BREAKFAST.--Curried favour.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST CURE FOR THE HEARTBURN.--Marriage.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Young Bride._ "Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?"

_Mrs. Jones._ "No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the
milkman!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PROGNOSTICATION

When Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after
that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and
the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired,
he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!"

  [It came!

]

       *       *       *       *       *

A HUSBAND'S LAMENT

AIR--"_I once had a sweet little Doll, dears._" (_Kingsley's words, set
by A. Cecil._)

    I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys:
      Its beauty and grace were divine.
    And I felt what a swell I should be, boys,
      Could I boast that such charms were all mine!
    I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys,
      At my head deep anathemas hurled:--
    But I said as I walked back from church, boys,
      "I'm the luckiest dog in the world!"

    As doves in a cot we began, boys,
      A cosy and orthodox pair:
    Till I found at my notable wife, boys,
      The world was beginning to stare.
    She liked it. At first, so did I, boys,
      But, at length, when all over the place
    She was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys,
      I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!"

    Still, we went here and there,--right and left, boys;--
      We were asked dozens deep,--I say "we,"
    Though wherever I went not a soul, boys,
      Could have pointed out Adam from me.
    But we had a rare social success, boys,
      Got mixed with the noble and great,
    Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys,
      Talked of me as "the man come to wait!"

    So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;--
      For the one that I once hoped to own,
    Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys,
      To the great British public alone.
    So until they've got tired of her face, boys,
      And a rival, more touzled or curled,
    Drives her home to her own proper place, boys--
      I'm the dullest dull dog in the world!

       *       *       *       *       *

A SURE AID TO MATRIMONY.--Propingpongquity.

       *       *       *       *       *

FROM "PUNCH'S SYNONYMS."--The Limited Male: a husband.

       *       *       *       *       *

A VERY-MUCH MARRIED MAN.--The "hub" of the universe.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Miss Giddie._ "It's awfully sweet of you, Mr.
Cunius--(_coquettish pause_)--_Impey_, to ask me to marry you. Of
course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you
married me for my money!"

_Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately
forced proposal)._ "My dear, Miss Giddie--er--_Flossie_, I assure you
that _I_ shall never mention it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING"

_Aunt Mary._ "You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George
and Ellen Thompson?"

_Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)._ "Yes--it
seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused,
though!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LOVE AND COURTSHIP

(_As they appear from certain Answers to Correspondents_)

VANITAS.--You are not bound to tell him. If the bright golden colour of
your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended
in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why
not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven.
Of course, if it weighs upon your conscience, you might give him a hint,
but he will probably talk about deceit, and behave in the brutally
outspoken male manner so many readers complain of.

AMELIA.--Have you not been rather indiscreet? You should never let him
see you cry before you are married. Afterwards it has its uses.

BLANCHE AMORY.--Cheer up. As you very cleverly put it, history does
repeat itself. You are now once more in a position to undertake a
further instalment of _Mes Larmes_. No. We are overstocked with poetry.
The man, of course, is beneath contempt.

TWO STRINGS.--Your _fiancé_ must be a perfect _Othello_. It is, as you
justly remark, monstrous that he should object to your cousin seven
times removed taking you to the theatre once or twice a week. Of course
he is a relative.

SWEET-AND-TWENTY.--Your remarks about tastes in common are perfectly
correct. So long as you both collect postcards you will always be able
to give pleasure to each other at a distance.

BUSINESS GIRL.--If you have found out that he only gave twenty-five
pounds for your engagement ring, it may be, as you shrewdly observe,
that he has a contract with the tradesman for a periodical supply of
such articles. The fact that his income is under a hundred a year makes
it only the more probable that he would adopt such an arrangement for
economy's sake. Be very careful.

PITTI-SING.--Your only course is to box his ears. Let us know how you
get on.

BELLONA.--Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the place to describe
the undress uniform of the Grenadier Guards.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: H'M!

_Stern Father._ "What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till
every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?"

_Daughter._ "She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD

_Ernest._ "I see you are getting on, foreman."

_Foreman._ "Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow."

_Agatha._ "Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now;
everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MY NEIGHBOUR

    Next door the summer roses bloom
      And breathe their hearts out day by day
    To please a gentle gardener whom
      'Twere happiness to thus obey:
    For her each rose a fragrance gives
      That roses grudge to common labour,
    And there, next door, among them lives
                My neighbour.

    I watch her in her garden fair,
      And think what joy my life would bless
    Could she and I but wander there,
      A shepherd and a shepherdess,
    As blithe as those of ancient myth
      That danced and sang to pipe and tabor:
    Who would not thus be happy with
                My neighbour?

    Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown,
      A form of such exceeding grace,
    And features in whose smile and frown
      Such tender beauty I can trace
    That here to sketch her free from flaw
      Defies the pencil of a Faber,
    And yet I yearn so much to draw
                My neighbour!

    I'm keeping one commandment--an
      Epitome of all the ten--
    So if I, when my life began,
      Was born in sin like other men,
    To innocence that shames the dove,
      I've mellowed since I was a babe, or
    How could I so devoutly love
                My neighbour?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _First Young Wife._ "Do you find it more economical,
dear, to do your own cooking?"

_Second Young Wife._ "Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much
as he did!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SNUB CONNUBIAL.--_Loving Wife._ "Charles, dear, I wish you would put
down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and--oh, Charles!
my foot's asleep----" _Charles._ "Hush--sh! my dear, you might wake it!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE OLDEST AND THE SHORTEST DRAMA IN THE WORLD.--_He._ "Will you?"
_She._ "Oh! I do not know!" (_Which "know" meant that she said "yes._")

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES

(_After Charles Kingsley--at a respectful distance_)

    Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will be _clever_.
              Dance, flirt, and sing!
              Don't study all day long.
              Or else you'll find,
              When other girls get married,
              You'll sing a different song!

       *       *       *       *       *

FAULTS ON BOTH SIDES.--Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long
as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are
disunited.

       *       *       *       *       *

PARTNERSHIP WITHOUT LIMITED LIABILITY.--Marriage.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BRUTES!

_Jones._ "Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?"

_Smith._ "No--but once I remember I came home very late from the club,
and my wife----"

  [_They understand one another_

]

       *       *       *       *       *

READING BETWEEN THE MARRIAGE LINES

(_By a Recent Victim_)

[Illustration: A MAN OF MANY WOES]

One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the
difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost
indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock
and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is
bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):--"Wanted, at once, a
good plain cook. If necessary, _advertiser would be willing to make her
a bridesmaid_. Must be able to wear blue."

                     * * *

Or again:--"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid. _All
china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken
before._"

                     * * *

In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an
attic--in which to place some of the presents. It is all very well to
say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be
forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the
most favourable circumstances.

                     * * *

You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house
decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one
day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the
suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "_the dado is
extinct_." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes
nowadays, both in summer and winter.

                     * * *

To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write
out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents.
The most handy form is, "DEAR ----, We both thank you so very much for
your ---- present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing
word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank.

                     * * *

Another happy form is, "DEAR ----, Thank you so much for your charming
and useful present. Please, what is it for?"

                     * * *

But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the
way in which it is meant, "DEAR ----, Many thanks for your present. It
is very good of you to have sent anything."

                     * * *

Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague
word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for
ten-and-six.

                     * * *

A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very _chic_, is to have in the
present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained
to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!"

                     * * *

Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles.

       *       *       *       *       *

The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding,
gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into
desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the
announcement:--"On the ---- instant, by the Rev. Mr. ----, _assisted by_
the Rev. Mr. ----, &c."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD

SHE WON THE SWEEP!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ILLUMINISM

_The Hon. Muriel._ "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could
find a man I simply couldn't live without."

_The Hon. Maude._ "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can
live _with!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN LEAP YEAR

_Hopeless Widower._ "Nothing can mend a broken heart."

_Hopeful Widow._ "Except re-pairing."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE LAST CONGRATULATION

_Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom
a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)._
"Well, Algey, it's all over _now_! Aren't you pleased?"

  [_Uncomfortable position of Algey._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

WAIT FOR AGE.

    _Seventeen._ "_Is_ marriage a failure? I _should_ like to know!"
      _Seven-and-Twenty._ "My dear, when as long as myself you have
        tarried,
    You will not need much demonstration to show
      That the only true failure is--not getting married!"

       *       *       *       *       *

FEMALE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAR.--Miss Understood.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT

_Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now
taking him fully into her confidence)._ "I must tell you, Reggie dear,
that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any
resolution--it doesn't matter what it may be--I always bitterly repent
it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

EVOLUTION

    She sketched a husband strong and brave
    On whom her heart might lean;
    None but a hero would she have--
    This girl of 17.

    Her fancy subsequently turned
    From deeds of derring do;
    For brainy intercourse she yearned
    When she was 22.

    The years sped on, ambition taught
    A worldly-wise design;
    A man of wealth was what she sought
    When she was 29.

    But Time has modified her plan;
    Weak, imbecile, or poor--
    She's simply looking for a _man_
    Now she is 34.

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION.--_Husband (just home from the
City)._ "My angel!--crying!--whatever's the matter?" _Wife._
"They've--awarded me--prize medal"--_(sobbing)_--"f' my sponge cake!"
_Husband (soothingly)._ "And I'm quite sure it deserv----" _Wife
(hysterically)._ "Oh--but--'t said--'twas--for the best specimen--o'
concrete!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "FOR THIS RELIEF----?"

"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's
nothing serious?"

"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll
trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some
time."]

       *       *       *       *       *

AN ENGAGEMENT

(_A Page from a Diary_)

_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married!
It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest
suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is
such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all
thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in
love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are
about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a
good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a
chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets
into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one
after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate
Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female
relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody
was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed.

He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and
chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all
right.

_Tuesday._--Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home
to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air
of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her
violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He
kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying
good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her
too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was
dreadful.

_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the
old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very
least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval
of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated
through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to
Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of
mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon
her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.

_Thursday._--It _has_ been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his
way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the
drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with
my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed
her on the forehead. Where will this end?

_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and,
without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, Nellie,
Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he
had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused,
and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt
Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt
Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and
was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced
dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what
ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the
spare bedroom after dinner.

_Saturday._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a
lesson for all of us.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS

_She._ "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word
was _law!_"

_He._ "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT!

_Young Wife._ "Where are you going, Reggie dear?"

_Reggie Dear._ "Only to the club, my darling."

_Young Wife._ "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there,
and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"

_Reggie Dear._ "Y-yes--but--er--you know, the confounded wires are
always getting out of order!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT

_Serious and much-Married Man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to
hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past,'
you know!"

_The Friend (bachelor "unattached")._ "Well, you see, old man, she's got
a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_
care about."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Good-bye, Alfred darling. You _have_ cheered me up. If I
get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear
photo--that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_She._ "I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own."

_He (tired of waiting)._ "I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to
probate it!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her
husband and her Dachshund."

"Well, they make a very good pair."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A FAIR AVERAGE

_Visitor._ "Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives."

_Dan'l (proudly)._ "Ess, zur, I 'ave--an' what's more, _two of 'em was
good 'uns!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Adolphus (penitently)._ "So sorry, dearest, that I was
angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper."

_Olivia._ "Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and
I'm sure you can easily find a better."]

       *       *       *       *       *

DROP BY DROP

_Nine Stages of a Love Story_

    First place, I dropped my eye on her,
      And she dropped hers, so blushfully!
    Then I "dropped in,"--her sire sold fur,--
      Then "dropped a line," most gushfully.
    I dropped a deal of ready cash
      On her and her relations,
    Then dropped some hints--that course proved rash--
      About her "expectations."
    She dropped on me, daring to ask
      _Such_ questions. Here I stopped her.
    Her--bankrupt--sire then dropped the mask,
          And I--well then, I dropped her!

       *       *       *       *       *

DEFINITIONS.--Mater: One who finds _mates_ for her daughters. Check
Mate: A husband with money.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGE

_Philanthropist._ "I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm
afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night."

_Parker._ "Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'--shtraightome."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A YOUNG HUSBAND'S LAMENT

    Oh, I am weary, weary,
      Of that pretty pinky face,
    Of the blank of its no meaning,
      The gush of its grimace.

    And I am weary, weary,
      Of her silly, simpering ways,
    Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles,
      Tight tiebacks, tighter stays.

    And I am weary, weary,
      Of that hollow little laugh,
    Of the slang that stands for humour,
      Of the chatter and the chaff.

    Sick of the inch-deep feeling
      Of that hollow little heart,
    Its "too lovely" latest fashions,
      Its "too exquisite" high Art.

    Its Church high, higher, highest,
      Their curates and their clothes,
    Their intonings, genuflections,
      Masqueradings, mops and mows.

    But I must curb my temper,
      Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills.
    Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics,
      Let me grin and pay the bills!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOREWARNED

_Claude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)._
"Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly
reminded of those matchless words of Steele's--'To love her was a
liberal education.'"

_Algy (following the idea with difficulty)._ "That's all right, old man,
that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like
that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head
johnnies in the Primrose League."]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE EDUCATION OF HUSBANDS

How suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It
is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally
unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife
at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a
Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply
because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise
as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have
the following questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about
to Marry:"--

Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles?

Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round?

How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family?

How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia?

Please to give the average price of a four-poster.

Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes,
pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves,
cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump.

If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to
school."

He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and
moral. He should be further examined thus:--

Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery?

Can you wait any given time for breakfast?

Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day?

Can you cut your old friends?

Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason?

Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to?

Can you do what you are told without being told why?

In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job?

If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your
licence and marry--not else.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO POLICEMEN ABOUT TO MARRY.--When you are about to marry, visit as many
cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your
choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the
accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is
nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When
married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station--if
he can get a room there for nothing.

       *       *       *       *       *

LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE

(_By a Commonplace Person_)

    To thee, were I a humble bee,
      I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight;
    To thee, were I a ship at sea,
      I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight:
    To thee, were I a pussy cat,
      I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat!

    To thee, were I a stickleback
      I'd swim as fast as fins could move;
    To thee, were I a hunter's hack,
      I'd gallop on the hoofs of love:
    But as I'm but a simple man,
      I'll come by train, love--if I can!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _He._ "Are you still living at the same address in town,
Mrs. Jones?"

_She._ "Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for
another flat!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Miss Short._ "Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?"

_Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)._ "Yes, rather. If you could have mine it
would be all right, wouldn't it?"

_Miss Short._ "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE ALTERNATIVE

_The Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I
hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of
washing?"

_Mrs. Barnes._ "Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken '_e_, I'd
'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new
century. What good resolutions are you going to make?"

"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits."

"Why not _give them all up_, dear?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FAMILY CARES

_First Excursionist._ "Int'restin' ruins these, sir."

_Second Ditto (the bread-winner)._ "'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins
m'self though." (_Pointing to his olive branches in the background._)
"Them's ruin enough for me?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WHOM NOT TO MARRY:

_Or, Diogenes the Younger_

_The Lady with a Mission._--She will fill your house with parsons or
professors, lecture you on her pet hobby when she can get no other
audience (which will be pretty often), consider all your old friends
frivolous, and treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly cooked.

_The Lady of Fashion._--She will regard you as an appendage, a
cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor of equipages and dresses and
diamonds and lace, a person to be ignored as much as possible in
Society.

_The Millionaire's Daughter._--She will persistently make you aware that
it is _her_ house you live in, _her_ carriage you drive, that the
servants are _hers_, the dinners _hers_--that, in fact, she has bought
you, and given for you much more than you are really worth.

_The Pious-Parochial Lady._--She will devote all her time to the
distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of
gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more
"blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty
eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which
modern curatism has developed.

_The Female Novelist._ She will sit up all night writing improprieties,
and pass all day in town, worrying publishers, who are at present sad
victims of the irrepressible petticoat.

_The Horsey Woman._ She will laugh at you as a muff if you don't ride
across country, buy "screws" from her particular friends that you will
have to sell for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at least once
every season.

_The Gushing Female._ She will devour you with kisses, to the injury of
your shirt-front, or weep on your bosom, with much the same result. To
her either is equally delightful.

_The Widow._ Diogenes pauses. The theme is too great for him. _Vide Mr.
Weller, sen._, in _Pickwick, passim._

       *       *       *       *       *

TRITE BUT TRUE

    "Music's the food of love" they say,
      This is a passage every one now quotes;
    The truth is clear, for in the present day,
      Young love is fed entirely _on notes._

       *       *       *       *       *

"OUR FAILURES."--_Husband._ "I say, Lizzie, what on earth did you make
this mint-sauce of?"

_Young Wife (who has been "helping" Cook)._ "Parsley, to be sure!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: APPEARANCES ARE DECEPTIVE

_He._ "Who's that?"

_She._ "Jack Anstruther and his bride. He married ever so much beneath
him."

_He._ "Doesn't look like it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BREAKING THE NEWS

_Newly Affianced One._ "May I be your new mamma, Tommy?"

_Tommy._ "_I_ should like it, but you must ask papa."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER

_She._ "But if you say you can't bear the girl, why _ever_ did you
propose?"

_He._ "Well, her people have always been awfully good to me, and it's
the only way I could return their hospitality."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Well, Jimmy didn't blow his brains out after
all because you refused him. He proposed to Miss Golightly yesterday."

_Maud._ "Did he? Then he must have got rid of them in some other way!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO MATCH-MAKING MAMMAS.--The first and only thing requisite is
simply, as Mrs. Glass very wisely says, "First catch your heir."

       *       *       *       *       *

A HAPPY HOLIDAY.--_The Bachelor._ "So you're looking after the house
while your wife is taking a holiday? I hope she's enjoying the change?"

_The Benedict._ "I know _I_ am."

       *       *       *       *       *

"CREATURE COMFORTS."--Good wives.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO CURE AN IMPRUDENT ATTACHMENT.--_Materfamilias._ "What _is_ to be
done, my dear? He positively _dotes_ on her!" _Paterfamilias._ "Well, we
must try to find him an _antidote_."

       *       *       *       *       *

DIVORCE.--A matrimonial ticket-of-leave.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.--"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of
fifteen to her mother the other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the
astonished matron, "what put such an idea into your head?" "Little
Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; and I'd like to amuse the child,"
replied the obliging sister, with fascinating _naïveté_.

       *       *       *       *       *

A WOMAN'S WILL.--Won't!!!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I dunno what 'er misshus 'll shay--but any'ow 'm nor
goin' to preten I'm shober"--(_hic_).]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.--Man and wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

AUTOMATIC COUPLINGS.--Scotch marriages.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FAMILY HERALD.--A monthly nurse.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WORST RESULT OF VIVISECTION.--Eve.

(_By an incorrigible Old Bachelor, who is hiding himself for fear of
consequences._)

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FINIS]

       *       *       *       *       *

BRADBURY. AGNEW & CO. LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE