The Adventures of Roderick Random

by Tobias Smollett


Contents

 THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE
 APOLOGUE
 CHAPTER I.
 CHAPTER II.
 CHAPTER III.
 CHAPTER IV.
 CHAPTER V.
 CHAPTER VI.
 CHAPTER VII.
 CHAPTER VIII.
 CHAPTER IX.
 CHAPTER X.
 CHAPTER XI.
 CHAPTER XII.
 CHAPTER XIII.
 CHAPTER XIV.
 CHAPTER XV.
 CHAPTER XVI.
 CHAPTER XVII.
 CHAPTER XVIII.
 CHAPTER XIX.
 CHAPTER XX.
 CHAPTER XXI.
 CHAPTER XXII.
 CHAPTER XXIII.
 CHAPTER XXIV.
 CHAPTER XXV.
 CHAPTER XXVI.
 CHAPTER XXVII.
 CHAPTER XXVIII.
 CHAPTER XXIX.
 CHAPTER XXX.
 CHAPTER XXXI.
 CHAPTER XXXII.
 CHAPTER XXXIII.
 CHAPTER XXXIV.
 CHAPTER XXXV.
 CHAPTER XXXVI.
 CHAPTER XXXVII.
 CHAPTER XXXVIII.
 CHAPTER XXXIX.
 CHAPTER XL.
 CHAPTER XLI.
 CHAPTER XLII.
 CHAPTER XLIII.
 CHAPTER XLIV.
 CHAPTER XLV.
 CHAPTER XLVI.
 CHAPTER XLVII.
 CHAPTER XLVIII.
 CHAPTER XLIX.
 CHAPTER L.
 CHAPTER LI.
 CHAPTER LII.
 CHAPTER LIII.
 CHAPTER LIV.
 CHAPTER LV.
 CHAPTER LVI.
 CHAPTER LVII.
 CHAPTER LVIII.
 CHAPTER LIX.
 CHAPTER LX.
 CHAPTER LXI.
 CHAPTER LXII.
 CHAPTER LXIII.
 CHAPTER LXIV.
 CHAPTER LXV.
 CHAPTER LXVI.
 CHAPTER LXVII.
 CHAPTER LXVIII.
 CHAPTER LXIX.




THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE


Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the
course of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to
life, and by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing
point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty, while
nature is appealed to in every particular. The reader gratifies his
curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in whose favour he is
prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with him in his
distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his
calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between
dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with greater aggravation,
and every impression having a double force on the imagination, the
memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves by the example.
The attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but
agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the
vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an
ample field for wit and humour.

Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and
superstition. In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered
himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed
themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and
represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural. The
vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded
the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his exploits were
handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they were
repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars
erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to
imitate his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no
other than a collection of extravagant romances. As learning advanced,
and genius received cultivation, these stories were embellished with
the graces of poetry, that they might the better recommend themselves
to the attention; they were sung in public, at festivals, for the
instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle,
as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were
born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no
wonder that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they
had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best
poets; we therefore find no romance among them during the era of their
excellence, unless the _Cyropædia_ of Xenophon may be so called; and it
was not till arts and sciences began to revive after the irruption of
the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind appeared. But
when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition of priestcraft
to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors of romance arose,
and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the
most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in
point of genius they were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply
to the wonder, rather than the judgment, of their readers. Accordingly,
they brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of supporting the
character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment and practice,
distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and extravagance
of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural
than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and
the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of
knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule,
reformed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point
of view, and converting romance to purposes far more useful and
entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies
of ordinary life.

The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors,
and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his
_Adventures of Gil Blas_, has described the knavery and foibles of
life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have
modelled on his plan, taking me liberty, however, to differ from him in
the execution, where I thought his particular situations were uncommon,
extravagant, or peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid. The
disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the most part, such as rather excite
mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his transitions
from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that
neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted
with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from
probability, but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to
animate the reader against the sordid and vicious disposition of the
world. I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every
difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want
of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base
indifference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have
allowed him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series
of his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in
his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended at
the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that the
judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those
situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate,
but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the
humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or
education; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as
nature has implanted them. But I believe I need not trouble myself in
vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this way, some
of whom I have already named.

Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not
deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main,
although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal
satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of
this work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small
expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his
birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in
England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford.
In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote
part of the kingdom, with more propriety than in any place near the
capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to
travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that
country. That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning
oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I
beg leave to promise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually
expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and
verbal representation of the discourse in which they occur.




APOLOGUE


A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass;
and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished
every figure by some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the
garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl
perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed
to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented with a huge tie-wig
(which, however, could not conceal his long ears), sat for his picture
to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of painting. This
whimsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general approbation,
until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole—was a lampoon upon the
friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner circulated
than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and
even to fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army
with reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to
the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr.
Monkey,” said he, “I have a good mind to convince you, that though the
bear has lost his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so
drunk but he can perceive your impertinence.” “Sblood! sir, that
toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous libel—but don’t you imagine me so
chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.” Here he
was interrupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who, advancing
to the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, “Suppose the
augmentation of the ass’s ears should prove the diminution of the
baboon’s—nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, by the beard of
Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that will not stand
up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse. Do but observe,
captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls—the
colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are quite
similar.” While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a
venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent,
“Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now let thee see I can read something
else than a newspaper, and that without the help of spectacles: here is
your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced,
you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your
face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!”

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to
give offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the
resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with
insolence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard
by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the
senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember
this example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following
sheets; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally
belongs to five hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a
character that reflects thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy
own counsel; consider that one feature makes not a face, and that
though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy
neighbours may be in the same predicament.”




THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM




CHAPTER I


Of my Birth and Parentage


I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of
my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who
had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and
was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with
great success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars,
for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who
lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her
privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her
pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband,
tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose
favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe,
but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a
tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the
part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared
in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of
her offspring; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal
violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately
sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which
operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage,
after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would
be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and
difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would
flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will
appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person
informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between
his son and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days
after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling;
and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice
have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to
conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; and
excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by
saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his
inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures
as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power:
he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue,
birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his
care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in
excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly
asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he
could be in no danger of wanting while his father’s tenderness
remained, which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost
veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the
dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already
made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his
protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not
think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as
matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of
duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which
I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another
habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send
you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a
view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a
polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of
joy, and am your very humble servant.”

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However,
he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his
father’s disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this
pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as invariable as the
laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to
attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without any farther
application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow to a
farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: there they
remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of
their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my
father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and
inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which
she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and
her pregnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design
to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping
that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and
reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an
unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial
grievances, it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in
all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence,
where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most
affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time
representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of
his own grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he
was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to
make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance;
that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her
husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any
farther importunity. This said, he retired.

The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her
constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of
childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear,
afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my
grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must
have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the
friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, and
immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate
birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had
happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he
loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding
a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose
ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon
a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the
inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old
gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know
nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when
one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with
him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined
therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day after
her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off
the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated
my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and
on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he
should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in
such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged,
together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a
languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who
loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he remained six
weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he
lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, on
hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the
deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he
ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon
recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment
of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his
character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow
for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a
profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and,
notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a
circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having
made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the
particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.




CHAPTER II


I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—neglected by my
Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals
against the Pedant—am debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his
Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor


There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned
in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in
the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by
reflecting that in all his calamities they never discovered the least
inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in
their power, fed his resentment and supported his resolution of leaving
him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation
as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to
consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate
of my father would have extended to me too whose life was another
obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I
strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I
wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but
their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my
cousins; who the more my infancy promised, conceived the more
implacable hatred against me: and before I was six years of age, had so
effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by
stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his
labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid
me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had
been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor
supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my
condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who,
through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no
concern about the progress I made under his instruction. In spite of
all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the
Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my
grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master,
and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling
him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which
he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his
patron, assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his
own genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he
received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he
had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his
fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s help, to prevent his future
improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had
undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to
my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it,
through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and
fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a
few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and
another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so
incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my
machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform
the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this
trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression
it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and
horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The
contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the
continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome
adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of
a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing
gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay,
a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that
I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my
landlady and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep
at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for
having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in
which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being
bitten by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate,
the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed
over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the
more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the
injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon
genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my
father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics,
writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was
allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This
qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of
make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor;
and was in hope of, being able to bid him defiance in a very short
time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most
of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial,
that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put
my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of
stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground
allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his
flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in
pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them
afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing
stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of
which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by
these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to
the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole
village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one of the
parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which
name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in
awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present
myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason
of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female
grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among
themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of
all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but
fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding
his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home;
who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young
Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in
distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and
hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for
shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his
preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself
with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to
the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the
verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one
day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent
marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth,
and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.




CHAPTER III


My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of him—he goes
along with me to the House of my Grandfather—is encountered by his
Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—is admitted to the old
Gentleman—a Dialogue between them


About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being
informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender
finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the
present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed
on my grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was
a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not
only of the judge’s disposition, but also of the ways of men in
general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter
stranger.

He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that
of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood
the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a
soldier’s coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel
jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted
stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his
shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an
inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk
handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a
furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. Thus equipped,
he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance)
for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar,
whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well
acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake
myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished
his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the
ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by
Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled
about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body. By
this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with
pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom
they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at
the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance,
and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the
curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle
stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody
weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted
their leader thus:

“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what
I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot
a head, clear of you.”

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of
resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his
followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who,
putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you
lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread
work. I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.”

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check
the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,
perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and
left him to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who
the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I
suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall
escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall
pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted
with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian,
you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle,
“else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with
an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his hanger,
and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being
alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was
the matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter,
young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark,
belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a
few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s
chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very
significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge’s
presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in
this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what
cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom
Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him
neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth
don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y
see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lay
a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up
with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with
that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was
glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir,
I had as lief stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing
of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for this
poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do
I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to
leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister’s son
is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack” (pointing to the
young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us into the
room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much
handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come,
consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an
account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father,
and make all the satisfaction in your power before it be too late. The
least thing you can do is to settle his father’s portion on him.”

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain
themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my
protector—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent fellow,
did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too
well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a difference
between an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children,
who took his advice in all things;” and such expressions were vented
against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded
silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which
he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had
been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight
years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning but
was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because
he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had
committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what
the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman
or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future
as became him.

The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered
my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had
cost him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to
furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it
was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet
whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be
keel-haul’d; for though he (the lieutenant) did not understand those
matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar
of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by
laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay on the boy’s head—with
these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company:
“Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather, left like
a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather, by your
neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am
only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains instead of
his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in
Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding
the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of
him—would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come along, Rory,
I perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about, i’faith—while I
have a shilling you shan’t want a tester. B’we, old gentleman; you’re
bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the
voyage.” Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle
muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry
that surrounded him.




CHAPTER IV


My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies—his Will is read
in Presence of all his living Descendants—the Disappointment of my
female Cousins—my Uncle’s Behaviour


A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge,
at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had
sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted
from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching
end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In
obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to
receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating by the
road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall
see—you shall see the effect of my admonition,” When we entered his
chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the
bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of
his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most
piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his
lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and
affection. My uncle approached him with these words, “What! he’s not
a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon
your poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the dying man turned his languid
eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on—“Here’s poor Roy come to see
you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don’t
despair, you have been a great sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a
righteous judge above, an’t there? He minds me no more than a porpoise.
Yes, yes, he’s a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his
anchor’s a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation scandalised the
company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his
province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room,
where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease,
by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither
we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little
before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow,
asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was
certainly dead? “Dead!” (says my uncle, looking, at the body) “ay, ay,
I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s fish! now my dream is out
for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a
parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside,
and the devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a
blue bear—who, d’ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried
it to the bottom in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate” cries the
parson “out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his honour’s
soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately arose, and
my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to the
other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would
turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title to
send him adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he;
“mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will
be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better
news. I’d soon make him a clear shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any
further disturbance, one of my grandfather’s executors, who was
present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of
justice; that a day should be appointed after the funeral for examining
the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till
which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close
sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony,
which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime,
orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which
number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of
it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his
memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of people, with
regard to the old gentleman’s will, were various: as it was well known,
he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six
or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real
estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom
he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally
divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were
of opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided
for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his
granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his
unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and
the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and
gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an
unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the
astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an attorney
pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s
estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great
attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied
these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the
whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who
had been always very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired,
with a faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange, “if there
were no legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she
fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so
sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though
not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as
genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My
conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the
wainscot, began: “So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old
succubus; but somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the
parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director
to the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out,
“Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of
his honour to rest in peace?” But this zealous pastor did not find
himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now
joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part
of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had certainly abused
by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have
neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much
diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not
murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a
black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who
was not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied, “You and your
dogs may be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find them with your old dad, in
the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my lad, we must steer
another course, I think.” And away we went.




CHAPTER V


The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in
which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—am settled at a
University by his Generosity


On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the
space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of
“Why should we quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted
all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace
increased to such a degree that I was left behind a considerable way:
then he waited for me; and when I was almost up with him, called out in
a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every minute for
you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me
along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and
reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be
cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you
shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of
breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song goes—eh!”
Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid
of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only
friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never
dreamt I could have had any objection to his design; consequently gave
himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution
was soon dropped, by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling,
it would be a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly
one day make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.
Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford
it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board
and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its
colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of
our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my
grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and
not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest,
as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught
out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against
the memory of the judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for
him), hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was
damned to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my
learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone
made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue.
Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their
promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon
preceding to the day of our departure for the University, I resolved to
take the advantage of the usher’s going out to make water (which he
regularly did at four o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might
not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the
assault was to be begun by my advancing to my master and spitting in
his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the
school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in
dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his
bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed
to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many
for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors,
who should be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be
undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was
called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the
neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a
family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I
had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river and dragging him
on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often
rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance
had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times
saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at
school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular
regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a
voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on
many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same
service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his
own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he
suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the
punishment. These two champions were the more willing to engage in this
enterprise, because they intended to leave the school next day, as well
as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country,
and the other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town
not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to
me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I
could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he
heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a
mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly
chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No,
no, z—ds! that won’t do neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my
lad, that I must say, i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you propose
to get clear off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he
will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more
sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me.
I’ll show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are
jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll
play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and
anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen
doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We
were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and
prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition;
after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day
before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the
affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary,
seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the
door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar who bawled
out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled
all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and
accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance.
Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap
upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which
pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the
ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under
the influence of a universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of
action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the
whole school joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself
shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to
procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he
would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that
place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior,
on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for
his barbarous usage of Rory, “to which,” said he, “you are no
stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which
Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having
secured his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he
stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about
him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight),
venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his
scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted,
whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe
you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for
all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a
short time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord,
which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested with great
earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the
same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling
representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to
use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from
raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out of their
power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a
spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,
having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told
him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of
his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and
dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors
gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced,
cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant
thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in
these words: “Now, friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have
to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging
is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys,
shout!”

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should
quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house,
about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer
being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged
him to accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain,
telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well,
well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an
honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a
ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he dismissed
the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one
another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous
retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road,
about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we
arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the
accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an
apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few
days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary
funds for my maintenance and education.




CHAPTER VI


I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by Everybody—my female
Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—they are incensed,
and conspire against me—am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls
my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge


As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious
situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to
protect me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one
man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers,
which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt)
subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune
usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the world might
produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a
heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarmed at these
considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my
studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such
success that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very
well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to
moral and natural philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above
all things, I valued myself on my taste in the belles lettres, and a
talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that had met
with a favourable reception. These qualifications, added to a good face
and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most
considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself
in some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good
fortune to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least
preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning
their rivals.

Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since
the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided
between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were
at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily the addresses
of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto
been looked upon by them with the most supercilious contempt, my
character now attracted their notice so much that I was given to
understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed
from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their
malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my
resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph
with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their offer with
disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric,
industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated
those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their pride
exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were resolved
to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their revenge
consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me,
the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my
unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of the composition (of which
they themselves were ashamed), they did not find their account in
endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes which they and their
relations had brought upon me; and which consequently reflected much
more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of
their barbarity and avarice.

Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young
gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and
so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this
enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned to my
lodgings from a friend’s house that I frequented: with this view, he
waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had
imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which proposed
to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the
weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this stratagem
did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home
another way, and by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a
volley from the garret window, which did great execution upon them, and
next day occasioned so much mirth at their expense that they found
themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure
should be entirely forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not,
however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a
possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its
effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently
submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring the rigour of
their unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience, that though
small favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, there is
no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged,
and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you the greatest
wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a
scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received,
to give them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to
debauch the faith of my companion and confidant, who betrayed the trust
I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small
amours, which they published with such exaggerations that I suffered
very much in the opinion of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the
dear creatures whose names had been called in question.

While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I
might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to
my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered,
when I went home to my dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she
screwed up her mouth, and fixed her eyes on the ground, told me her
husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for
me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake and his
own—people should be more cautious of their conduct—she was always
afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or
other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend me; but
she had a small family of her own to maintain. The world would do
nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home: she
wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a
weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning
foolish nonsense, that would never bring me in a penny but some folks
are wise, and some are otherwise.

I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when
her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the
letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion
    ‘Sir,
    ‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of
    war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my captain, which I did
    fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola;
    having received his fire and returned it, which went through his
    body: and I would serve the best man so that ever stepped between
    stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum did. I
    am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil, though I
    don’t understand their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a little
    time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of the
    captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal an account of
    the whole affair, with our bearings and distances while we were
    engaged, whereby I have desired him to lay it before his majesty,
    who (God bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My
    love to your spouse, and am


‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while
‘Thomas Bowling,’


‘To Roderick Random
    ‘Dear Rory,
    ‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, my lad. I
    have got no money to send you, but what of that? Mr. Potion will
    take care of you for the love he bears to me, and let you want for
    nothing; and it shall go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No
    more at present, but rests


‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,
‘Thomas Bowling.’


This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in
Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head,
began: “I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and
could be well content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as
money to be got; I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part.
Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you
since the beginning of this month, without receiving a sixpence, and
God knows if ever I shall; for I believe it will go hard with your
uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I
want your apartment for a new prentice, whom I expect from the country
every hour. So I desire you will this week provide yourself with
another lodging.”

The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support
my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish
disposition so much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him
for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to
the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep
another night under his roof.

This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without
knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world
capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After
giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and
hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per
week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would
receive me: thither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with
a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all
occasions loaded me with caresses and made frequent offers of
friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He
received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting
with him, a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I
communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that
I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition
and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and
benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for,
recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my
misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord,
Mr. Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I
repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard
to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and
exclaimed, “Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had
treated you so kindly all along?”

My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might
be; and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine
he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to
be expelled from every social community. This heat of mine gave him all
the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse, after much
altercation, concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that
place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that, had I
been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he
never should have had an opportunity of making that request. And thus
we parted.

On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent,
some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing,
fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since
his arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of
informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small
supply of money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled out
a handful of halfpence with a shilling or two among them, and swore
that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day he having
lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards.
Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely
mortified at his indifference: for he neither expressed any sympathy
for my mishap nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I
left him without uttering one word: but, when I afterwards understood
that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my
cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn
situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation,
I determined with myself to call him to a severe account for which
purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet
me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of
punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the
invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without
feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently
attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the
shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these
unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good
grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not
ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I should have an
opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and
of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find, without any dread of
the consequence.

Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts
of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where
I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the
country in less than an hour after he had received my billet; and I was
vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I
was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord for less than
half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to my subsistence.




CHAPTER VII


I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the Art of
Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become necessary to him—an Accident
happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with
Money—I set out for London


The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of
my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want,
and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather
as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or
protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite
stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me
at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired; and was
introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was
engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by
mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate
the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to
the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention
some circumstances of his character and conduct which may illustrate
what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and
ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much
of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn,
was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles;
and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner
that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have
imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a
younger practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the
assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the
prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel which was at one time upon
the point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of
friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of
reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing
to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips,
prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of
lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when
I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could
have expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to
sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion;
which when I had related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a
sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a
canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and
kissing the a—e of every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might see
with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so
regularly to church.”

This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that
Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting
of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer
an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in
these words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and
I’ll do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please.
I have given orders for your reception. Zounds! What does the booby
stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may
let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered with a submissive bow, that I was
far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately
accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be
entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to
have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I
replied, “my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as
little burthensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop,
by which means I may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at
least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my
leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr.
Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have
studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says
Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in
books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days
on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular
motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!
You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this
stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare
a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock his head,
telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my
promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I
was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an
apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up
with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this
change of circumstances.

I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive
me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by
exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own
generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man
who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his
eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul
play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance,
together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice,
did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease;
however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better
advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application,
and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not long
before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his
behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased,
he was such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants
betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an
insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they
seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, submission
and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and
humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he
honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I
boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both
understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his
soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat
on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could
boast an alliance with.

He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook
his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance
truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing
looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I
had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute
which must decide my future lot in his service; I therefore snatched up
the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a
cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.

He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very
fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you
shall; I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand
against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful
apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he
behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch
after dinner.

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and
became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and
I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the
knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties of my
employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on
very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights
my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some
Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle,
to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the
affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle
for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no
company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to
maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me no
wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied me
with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking
coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the
extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the
caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by
him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making
himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the
least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of
instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the
future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of
austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned
to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this
time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so
effectually that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction
for the injuries he had done me.

When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast
about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of
finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I
had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small sum
of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how
to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put
me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned
in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about this time,
determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of
his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the
same time that I was the occasion of it.

Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I
was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her
master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented to her the
folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to
much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next
day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual
endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his
vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not
that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife,
whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would
furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining
his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in
the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived.
He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to
persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted with
a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily remove:
with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines
as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he
was disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his design,
and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely
refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her
situation to the world if he would not immediately take some method of
providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few
months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his
deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner:
“I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination
to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was
broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to hinder you from
profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time
against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality
of surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of
practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.”

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and
assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my
power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of
that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me
with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; and,
as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient
not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of
some ship.

I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was
very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to
lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set
out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit
of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of
worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a case of pocket
instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten
guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent
interest; at the same time giving me a letter to a member of parliament
for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.




CHAPTER VIII


I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—we determine
to walk together to London—set out on our Journey—put up at a solitary
Alehouse—are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night


There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my
finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I
determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods
from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accordingly
put in execution on the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon a
pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a
knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so
fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the
coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my
journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for
London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both
cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of
three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time, a journey
which he believed I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost
persuaded to take his advice, when one day, stepping into a barber’s
shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted
me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.” I answered in the
affirmative. “Pray,” continued he, “from what part of Scotland?” I no
sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining
his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with
great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion that starting up,
I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged pardon,
telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some
confusion in him, and craved my name. But, when I declared my name was
Random, he exclaimed in rapture, “How! Rory Random?” “The same,” I
replied, looking at him with astonishment. “What!” cried he, “don’t you
know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?”

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the
transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so
lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous
appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and
shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses
were over I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor fellow’s nerves
were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that his hand could
scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means to
cut me in three places in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his
disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was
performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me.

We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I
desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more
than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to
Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with
three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that
he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with
whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to
go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I
communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my
taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage,
which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness
of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no
small detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he
would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should
be fatigued before we could perform the journey it would be no hard
matter for us to find on the road either return horses or waggons, of
which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expense.

I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately,
and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he
gave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own
occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon introduce
him into business in that capital, and possibly have it in his power to
serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we
departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my
companion being charged with the furniture of us both crammed into one
knapsack), and our money sewed between the linings and waistbands of
our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expenses on
the road, We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of
the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so
that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge
alehouse, that stood on a byroad, about half-a-mile from the highway:
there we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled
ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a
comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the
landlord and his daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with
great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe
I had made some progress. About eight o’clock we were all three, at our
own desire, shown into an apartment furnished with two beds, in one of
which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the
other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore,
searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the
inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for
that use.

I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent
motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.
Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small
amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb;
he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there
was a bloody highwayman, loaded with pistols, in the next room; then,
bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small
chink in the board partition through which I could see a thick-set
brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with our
young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before
him.

I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone,
“D—n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me a fine
trick, indeed! but d—ion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll
teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others while he is under
articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying
he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with
the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had
disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to
atone for his lost trouble. “I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied
he, “I never had, nor ever shall, while my name is Rifle, have such a
glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z—s! there was £400 in cash to
recruit men for the king’s service, besides the jewels, watches,
swords, and money belonging to the passengers. Had it been my fortune
to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a
commission in the army, and made you an officer’s lady, you jade, I
would.” “Well, well,” cries Betty, “we must trust to Providence for
that. But did you find nothing worth taking which escaped the other
gentlemen of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said the lover; “I gleaned a
few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I
took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money,
together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I
likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the
spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what
I value myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my
girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of
the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.”

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the
highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n!
I am betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he
need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing
the road, had taken up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep
long ago. “Travellers,” says he, “spies, you b—ch! But no matter; I’ll
send them all to hell in an instant!” He accordingly ran towards our
door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a
couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give
him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a presbyterian
pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before.

This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a
pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put
about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and
familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that
part of the conversation which regarded this, Strap had crept under the
bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was with great
difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to
awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard.

The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the
shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves,
thieves! Lord have mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this
exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards
the door to kill the first man that should enter; for he verily
believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of
laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had
only cried out in his sleep.

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed
him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he
peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that,
falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to
deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to
defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin’s point,
provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether or not
his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I knew not, but
he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his
mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he
untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of
it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered
his goods into the yard with great dexterity: then he moved gently to
our bedside and bade us farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk we
might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure
the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking
us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself
drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not above a
yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.

Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was
not at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the
effect of the highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to
make free with the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease
in his mind, but on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea
of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s
example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer,
who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us as accomplices of the
pedlar’s elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle
cause to think we know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he
should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous
acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told
him, withal, my confidence in Betty’s good nature, in which he
acquiesced; and during the remaining part of the night we concerted a
proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving
our window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have
hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold
weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the
curtain, called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected
surprise, and said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to
bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney Waddle, the pedlar, has
not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in
his sleep.—Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!”

With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding
the sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.”
“Fled,” cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he has not
robbed us!” Then, springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied
all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven
be praised, our money is all safe! Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did
so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern,
if he had stolen nothing belonging to the house. “No, no,” replied she,
“he has stole nothing but his reckoning;” which, it seems, this pious
pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.

Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear
her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped
out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to
murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said
he “the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.”

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that
time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the
consequence of it.

While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she
was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger,
whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her
sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a
sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This
noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by
the image of Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried,
“O Lord! there is the highwayman returned!”

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young
man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”

Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in
Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman
the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman,
because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified at the
sound of a horse’s feet ever since.

She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I
could perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at
all satisfactory to her.




CHAPTER IX


We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires at
Strap—is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride
in pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn


After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who
embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing
ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five
miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we
in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who
had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked
if I knew who he was? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much that
I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths
and threats; but I remained as mute as before.

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud,
uttering, with a lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake,
have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the
thief, “you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in this
world, you dog!” So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the
unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without speaking one
word.

My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I
stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the
least attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this
barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but, before he had time
to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode
off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I
was found by those whose appearance had saved my life. This company
consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an officer, who (as
I afterwards learned,) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the
pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to
a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was
altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach,
procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants to go in quest of
the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great
address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer,
observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed,
and he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder
committed! Let us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us
rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?”

By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he
could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to
assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in
order to it being interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case he
should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse,
and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the
creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened,
and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round,
stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with “Sirrah,
sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—ds!”, cried one of the servants, “sure
my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”

With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,
disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that
would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girtle
(happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and
two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his
situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my desire,
turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed
him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, I immediately let
him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having
received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised
him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from
the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and
in a little time the third servant returned with the captain’s horse
and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of
the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the
servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for
which service he rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at
cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty
gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a
neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not
equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a
couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a very short
time. But what surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply
to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in these
words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a
character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the
indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and
the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort,
for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle
from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner,
began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This
good humour of this parson inspired the company with so much glee that
the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing
in the yard.

While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a
horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out,
“Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor
coming into the inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran
towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped
him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty,
having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with
great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he
called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the
submissive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his
family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound
silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked him if
he would not be pleased to honour him with his company at dinner? To
which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to
visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the
last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he
should dine at home. Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle
and pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where
his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than
the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this
manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l go with him. You see
how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not
deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred pounds
per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty
miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty pounds a
year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons are
odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves
to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home,
indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the
conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen.
Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no
matter for that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits
regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what
county they live, My service t’ye, gentlemen.”

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every
man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence
of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two
farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no
sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had
been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay this
is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he talked of
treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up
some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte at the
university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his
talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an
intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by
pawning some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned
away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of
my lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so
made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him
to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too
much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in
spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is
really diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable
wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man
within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and
can shift a card with such address that it is impossible to discover
him.”

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they
engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it
was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides,
he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was
notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who
taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and
insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the
exciseman as positively refused affirming that, whatever sleights
Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he
had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any
bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and, having paid his
reckoning, sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was
gone, shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to
have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the
excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed
together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick
the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose,” continued Boniface
with a whisper.




CHAPTER X


The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against him—proceed
to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to
Bed—in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—next night we
lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster—our Treatment there


Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a
crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the
way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the
middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle.
The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went
in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his
pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were
carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people,
to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn
to join their companions and take refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of
peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful
dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled
me with such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged
by this alteration in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he
presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either
cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately
produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from this adventure by
me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was
now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all
satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just
going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to
comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the
same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we arrived
at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a
gentleman in the country, with whom (we understood) he would probably
stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret, three
stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; this,
nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up stairs
to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at
the window upon the roof from whence he continued his route along the
tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he
skulked until the family were asleep; at which time he ventured down
stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him,
who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy,
as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without any further
molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had
hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and before night
reached a market town twenty miles from the place from whence we set
out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here
having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found myself so fatigued
that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired
Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap
carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed
that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights
ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the
next day, at farthest, the day after the next. This piece of news gave
us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed
mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one
allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we
were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well
dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition,
as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went
to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two
or three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound
sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw
me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced
with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts
of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out
presently.”

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than,
starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and
overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire!
murder! fire!” a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and
filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were
brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was
no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,
scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at
the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having
listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and
threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This
made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep
and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger
vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth;
but what attracted the notice of everyone was our landlady, with
nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches,
with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and
her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped
himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the
drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo
with a bolster rolled about his middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any
further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast,
paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the
waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As
we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with
fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired
for a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry
appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable
old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire
in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted
us in these words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little
pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of
recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I
therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna super
foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the
old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili
mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding
we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his
regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel
who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,
repeating from Horace at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O
Tholiarche, merum diota.” This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of
which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the use
of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of
Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster,
whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor
for the entertainment of passengers by which he made shift to make the
two ends of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old
fellow in his majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in
heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief
pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large
edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true—what
then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that
remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas)
quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum
credula postero.’”

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of
acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he
enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he
was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered
his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved
this night to regale his friends—permittens divis caetera. While our
entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his
own life, which, as they contained nothing remarkable, I forbear to
rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drunk several bottles of
his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some
difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should
overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in
it for half-a-dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that
convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the
good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his
benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our
lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has
conceived a particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper
with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves
have called for?”

I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world
made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes,
we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale,
and desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know,
gentlemen,” said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are
beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum
sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having consulted a slate
that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight
shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible! you must be
mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very
deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she,
“I know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no longer,
but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the
particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us
see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items:

To bread and beer	0 6 To a fowl and sausages	2 6 To four bottles
of _quadrim_	2 0 To fire and tobacco	0 7 To lodging	2 0 To
breakfast	1 0 —— 8 7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a
sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was
not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented
myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner
from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and did not know the
world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to
live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. My fellow
traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he
should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were
engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and,
conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand,
which was no sooner done than Biddy returned with two stout fellows,
who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught, but in reality
to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was
half-distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the
schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a
malicious smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”




CHAPTER XI


We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our Fellow Travellers
described—a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange
things


We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being
engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily
exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to
diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me
thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had
been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d—n’d before he had
got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily
by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help
you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four
shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs!
How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the
cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the
periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I
would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for
a guinea—I’m sure—I have beat stouter men than either of them.” And,
indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know
that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend
big money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy,
the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we
reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe it would
have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We,
therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a
cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet
the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the
journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,
Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he
was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words:
“God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was
so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined
proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great
velocity and a countenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our
astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant
yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man,
get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the
coptain.”

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not
without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like
distant thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you
smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty
place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without
being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark.
Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the
other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the
stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in a most dreadful manner,
“Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted
comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against me with such
force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to
press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless me!
what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n
my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s
hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and
laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and
the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own
fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with.
I thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir
John were to know where we are they would not sleep this night for
vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall
never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it
don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope
you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry
with our adventures in this diligence.”

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady
that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately
after another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great
many needless airs; better folks than any here have travelled in
waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with
three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What
then? We are now all upon a footing; therefore let us be sociable and
merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doting
rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What desperate debt are
you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac,
positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new
leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a
kiss, you old fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack,
enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that
he cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton
baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl—he, he, he!” This laugh
introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer
(such we afterwards found was the profession of this our
fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such
time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted
from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in
order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl,
about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head instead of
a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed with silver very much
tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came, limping, an old man,
with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed
hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck,
under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat
and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket.
His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into
a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp
and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or
spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he
supported himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a
just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,
when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin
creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very
much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two
little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached
to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a
baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when he deigned to take
off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the
extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three
inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy
neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling
spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and his body, which put
me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder: so
that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, and
was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of
what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot
long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his
thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with
wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as
long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who
seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of
an agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not been
a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the
deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady’s woman.

We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was
his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told
the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he
could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had
prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of
persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice
in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no
sooner said than all of us declared against the proposal, and Miss
Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if Captain Weazel
and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we
should have done. At this hint the captain put on a martial frown, and
looked very big, without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a
disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which
Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, “None of your names,
good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you no such creature as
you neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no quality-coupler.” Here the captain
interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do you mean by that?” “D—n you
sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who made you a captain, you
pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? ’Sdeath! the army is come
to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions. What, I
suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate are
well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked
together.” “Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour
of my wife, madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so
much—I would flay him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would
have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and
flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny,
snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his resentment a
louse.

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,
understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and
his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains
to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat
down to supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments;
the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and
Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels being
disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in his return,
mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and without
any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the
captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel,
in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive
Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a
convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a
cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss
Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of
some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his
conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he
snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at
once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that
instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the
husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of his
senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the
incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths,
asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of
his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say
nothing but—“I take God to witness she’s a virgin for me.”

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the
precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of
her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald
pate till he roared “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots
on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I
warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended
to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?”

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the
waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with
great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of
“Rape! Murder! Rape!” which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.
“Oh! You vile abominable old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of
my virtue? But I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for
heaven’s sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants
of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and
such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene.
In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was
all torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife,
who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing
on the side of her bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling
on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his
tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the
two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked what was the
matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked rogue
had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw,
for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor
wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released;
a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no
woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to
rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you
know you laid this snare for me—but you shan’t succeed—for I will hang
myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to
his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who
told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be revenged
on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack
shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My
dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no
harm to you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I
know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were
reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed
(her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel
to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine,
where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark
while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.




CHAPTER XII


Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair
between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five
Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the Behaviour
of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of Captain
Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at the
Captain’s Expense


Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings
for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my
place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him
to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a
drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice
the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose
for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s
innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more
submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the
resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would
instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence,
and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he
would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave
assent, by saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied
with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his
character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing,
in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries
Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad
that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t
satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare
say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some
hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this
expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his
character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the captain that I had
always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have
the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of
honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he
would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such
sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my
mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while
Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No,
no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,
Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious
countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With
these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and,
springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the
chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who
made a great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at
last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the
company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing
her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful
scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of
Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of
his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This
affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed
two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the
first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night
with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was
so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that
instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who
immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in
a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the
fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the
event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for
the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the
waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s
disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared
than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she
died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor
Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would
deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us, with
tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result
of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised
Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he
replied with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the
cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in
vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so
good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here,
who wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of
justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering
voice, “What she would have? She told him that, as he had not
perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small
matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be
irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas.” “A
hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy, “a hundred furies! Where
should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so
much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at
this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none of your
miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the
money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you
had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac,
finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings
for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at
last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great
reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which
accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and
we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with
Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and
forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain
Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game
of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking
his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover
challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for
the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed
whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day
on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t you
remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating
ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being
altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said to me, with
a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered
cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which
the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my
lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.” We
travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting
anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,
entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing
a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding,
would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about
to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three
gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to
their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke
by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied,
“the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their betters must be
served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such
travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how
to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by
profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from
being insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not
for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at
the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his
sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny,
snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen,
where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the
victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he
cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear
Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then
Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were
on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey,
understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in
his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend
to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to
have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their
swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on
the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with
his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers;
and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the
afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.
Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him
to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he
informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,
falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in
the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested
for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to
her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that
one of the gentleman’s servants, who were left at the inn, having
accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey
with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord
Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived
separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly
insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he kept:
when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed
that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission
for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now,
by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I
had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which he
resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry
of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a
man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the
people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a
general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid
himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a
rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something
under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and
the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice
did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled
out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be
robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!”
Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England
surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he;
at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage
shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much
that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon,
as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me
out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only
take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with
great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a
gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme,
and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the
waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the
sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who
have we got here?” Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a
poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and
nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if
you rob me of we must all starve together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the
other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor unfortunate
woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake,
to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my
sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was left
sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,”
said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But
pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me
catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.” Here he
laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under his
wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes,
and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s
the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only
called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble
captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a
moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away
before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you
remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied
she, “I think I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I
seldom converse with people of his station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do
yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time
has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”
“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name!—his name,”
replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed
his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened John
Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who
seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It
is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we
suspected, and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless
God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? Had he been a
highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he
had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss
Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The
usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he
could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain
Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with
patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a
great deal of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many
oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of
this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness,
that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have
him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh
against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of
our journey.




CHAPTER XIII


Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—the
Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in London—our Dress and Appearance
described—we are insulted in the Street—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we
are imposed upon by a waggish Footman—set to rights by a
Tobacconist—take Lodgings—dive for a Dinner—an Accident at our Ordinary


We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and
taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the
purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short time he
returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look
betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set
down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled
with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter, he replied,
with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil!”
Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little
alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the sound of
bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me,
uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!” At
that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with
bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature
is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches
to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a
violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition
leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its
beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I
recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion,
and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take
breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another
appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We
perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that
reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes
and countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress
consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists,
with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so
amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object,
but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me: when he reached
the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem
to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no reply: upon
which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, “Where is
Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the sound
of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to,
tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good
while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at
length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not
last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had
happened; and he assured me that the first must certainly be the soul
of some person damned, which appeared by the chain about his legs (for
his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the
sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of massy chains). As for
the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago
in this place, which had power granted to forment the assassin in the
shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer.
Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much
troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures never
passed a night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an
immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that
the old man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some
years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had
hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow
it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under the name of
Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,
which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the
great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up.
Next morning all the passengers parted different ways, while my
companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, to
whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had
discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and,
marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed
myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled
shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest
red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of
candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my
waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same
taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s basin, in the
shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited
in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very
much resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added
to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose,
and high cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of
mirth and pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired
of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was
answered by a stare, accompanied with the word “Anan!” Upon which I
came up, in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be
unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch
guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee ho!” which nettled me to the
quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the
fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a
farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney
coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the
kennel, came up close to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a
dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet,
and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on,
applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined,
to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than the rest,
seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry myself.
I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and,
going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat
down by a fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as
we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe,
understanding, by our dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to
me and, with a grave countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I
did not know the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he
went on, saying it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet
cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to
the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. I
was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I
happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke
to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a
match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution,
could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him in a
peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his
betters.” Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had got in
his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing
him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all
present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious
manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a
box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and,
in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap
beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which
banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an
instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel
was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two
cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play.” His
assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by
his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck
him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to
the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my
success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained
by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but
in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite
recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse,
and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the
company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by
the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the
landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were
amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be
altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he
told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook
ourselves therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at
the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron
lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both
very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn
down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to
the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane,
through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an
alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the
Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his
information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this
person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he
opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good
manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to
the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before
us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that
perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to
pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were
pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I
went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the
Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the
shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our
peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman,
than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer
lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose
for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House.
I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a
line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from
St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at
the rate of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed
was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of
furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way
of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to
live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by
him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating in this town
for people of your condition—the one more creditable and expensive than
the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by
well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by
those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him
to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit
much better with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried
he, “not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and
fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman
with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three
pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a
figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear
witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”

He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade
us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into
a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and
descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s
shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded
by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen
out of place or on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe,
cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which
turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit
down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the
stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the
cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her
fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging
to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so
miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a
volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence
peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the
poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful
countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the
patient’s stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the
contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the
drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth into
such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a
pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together,
as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the
same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent
transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with
oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another
difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting
on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would
pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his
moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,
foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy
the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which
entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this
accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon
shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence
halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.




CHAPTER XIV


We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr.
Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an Accident befalls Strap—his
behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of
which I lose all my money


In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,
which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we
accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This
gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept
a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian
languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the
English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any
practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a
tittle: for although I could easily understand every word of what I had
heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his
dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or
Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not
above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the
small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a
night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old
sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the
fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously,
he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the
hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my
situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his
power, both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words
eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and
muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!” I soon guessed
the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not
pleased with my dress.” “Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you
please in your country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No
Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience,
I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s
market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an
ourangoutang.” I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and
asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the
house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction
into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his
cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary;
but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I
pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes,
at which he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to
conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would
assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and
as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood,
in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to
appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks,
which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all
mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back
and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his
friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide
for him with some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see
how I will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and
that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead
hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long
with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop,
and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice
(if a good handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and returned
to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had
given the schoolmaster so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave
audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being
obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because
his lordship made one at the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock.
When we came to Mr. Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me all instance of
his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so
long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening in the
second story of the next house, a vessel was discharged upon him so
successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being
luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the
meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street
but us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a
noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had business with his master,
whom I desired to see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face,
telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to
his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment
against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he,
not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his
periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against
the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the
lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving
me to follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for
deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert,
until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know.
Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man,
passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which having
examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: “Sir, you
have dropped half-a-crown.” I was not a little surprised at this
instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade
me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out
my purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my
money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings
and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so
much the better; this is a godsend, and as you two were present when I
picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.” I was
astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy
of integrity, but absolutely refused to take any part of the sum.
“Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too modest—I see you are
strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this
cold raw morning.” I would have declined the invitation, but Strap
whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied.
“Where shall we go?” said the stranger; “I am quite ignorant of this
part of the town.” I informed him that we were in the same situation;
upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find
open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I find by
your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the
father’s side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its
favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are
very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that
cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred
years ago. There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We
have no such ancient families here in England. Then you are all very
well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well
as if they had been his mother-tongue. And for honesty—I once had a
servant, his name was Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with
untold gold.”

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly,
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and
Strap’s eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark
narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a
man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before
him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drunk egg-flip? To
which question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale,
and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at
the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and drank
heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman,
turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to
in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily
practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so
much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which
threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our
new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a
sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to
keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at whist for
pastime. But let me see: that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I
cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play,
but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger
of falling asleep.”

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass
an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap
understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I
wish we could find a fourth hand.” While we were in this perplexity the
person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing our
discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us
thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see,” shaking the ashes into the
fire, “and rather than you should be balked, I don’t care if I take a
hand with you for a trifle—but remember I won’t play for anything of
consequence.” We accepted his proffer with pleasure. Having cut for
partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and
Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in a short
time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in
the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and
the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers
played but indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge:
and cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to
be partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an
hour we had got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they
grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant
goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all our
gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified
me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap’s face,
which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition,
kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a
new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be
gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to
curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for
what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play.
This insinuation nettled me so much that I challenged him to a game at
piquet for a crown: and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the
invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible
affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely
refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my
disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst
with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went
away with my money, began in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your
bad luck, and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what
in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long?
It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far us it will
go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and
your passions are too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better.
However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be
the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow
who has got your money, I don’t half like him. Did not you see me tip
you the wink to leave off in time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued
he; “you was too eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee,”
said he in a whisper, “are you satisfied of that young man’s honesty?
His looks are a little suspicious—but I may be mistaken; he made a
great many grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked
town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade’s integrity
and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety
of my loss. “Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,
see what’s to pay.” The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which,
having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying
he should be very glad to see us again, departed.




CHAPTER XV


Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of our
misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I present myself to Cringer—he
recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a
fellow dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and
Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office
and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed


In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides,
Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a
fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God
send us well out of this place; we have not been in London eight and
forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand
misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, and at last
stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye we shall be stript of our
skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own
folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be
wise.’ Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.”
This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad
with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having
refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned
towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool?
Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still,
and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion,
uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the
greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s
misfortunes; but ‘Nemo omnibus horis sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.”
Upon which a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I
threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish
rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; but
Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for my
distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern
purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, “I know what you think,
but I scorn your thought. There’s all I have in the world, take it, and
I’ll perhaps get more for you before that be done. If not, I’ll beg for
you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and stay with
you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I was so
much touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I
could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together
for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas
and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew
better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal
and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend
upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we
informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to
conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the
story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a
couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest,
friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other
than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy
strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice
or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run
down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who
has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat—nay, even murdered by such
villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind;
and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God
would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil
had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know
what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted him with
the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not
gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a
member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly
infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his
work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the
footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my
patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my
letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped
a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I
found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in
immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait
in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing
for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great many
young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and repass, with an
air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber;
while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to
them that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At
length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who
was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes;
at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand and told him he hoped to
have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards
me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was the person
who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my
name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till he had
consulted the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name
was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I
think I remember the name:” and very well he might, for this very
individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather’s
cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go
on board a man-of-war as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow. “I
believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to procure a
warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the
Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners
are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a
guard to protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in
commission, and then we shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he
left me, exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and
I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined,
would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the
obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being
employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a
periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per
week besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other
morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time
I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and
profession, who also depended on the member’s interest, but was treated
with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and
often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire for the
convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I
was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which
was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers
in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going
to the door to speak with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom
Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him
with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the
hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend,
and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then,
after a whisper, which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the
word ‘honour’ repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer
introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and
assistance I might depend upon; and having given me his direction,
followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the
trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my
business. At that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me,
overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the
street, accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon as no
small honour, considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a
blue frock with a button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold,
black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a
gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine
clouded can in his hand. “I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately
come from Scotland; pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I
suppose it is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that
will be serviceable, for I have been surgeon’s second mate on board of
a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.”

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned,
he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same
circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s
promises, until his money (which was considerable) as well as his
credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a
fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing but reproaches, and
the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after he had waited at the
Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to
pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he bribed
the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he
had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had
gone on board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the
ship was put out of commission, and he said the company were to be paid
off in Broad Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled
to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer,
who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured
the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee every
morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful
scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons’
Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was
necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I must instruct you:
come along with me, and I’ll give you information about that matter.”
So Saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some
beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in
this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to
the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to Surgeon’s Hall,
that I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the
surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification
sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which
qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the Board, who would
open it in my presence, and read the contents; after which I must
employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the
expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted
to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him
half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary,
which consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was
like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve
shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my
distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice. He
condoled me on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had
conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was
ran out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of
receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be
sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me
so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging
him to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive
his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to
take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he wanted
at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met
with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow, when I should
go along with him, and he would put me in the way of acting for myself,
without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the
tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. “How!” cried I, “is Mr.
Staytape a tailor.” “No less, I assure you,” answered he, “and, I
confess, more likely to serve you than the member; for, provided you
can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit
with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.” I told him, I
was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer’s usage, that
I would never set foot within his door again.

After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted,
having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order
to set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap and related
everything which had happened, but he did not at all approve of my
being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had
already been so much imposed upon by appearances. “However,” said he,
“if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe.”




CHAPTER XVI


My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by myself, to the
Navy Office—address me to a person there, who assists me with
advice—write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at
the Hall—am informed of the beau’s name and character—find him—he makes
me his confidant in an amour—desires me to pawn my linen for his
occasions—recover what I lent him—some curious observations on Strap on
that occasion—his vanity.


In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I
waited two hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for
breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in
hope of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his breach
of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office, which I
entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below, many of whom
made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy of
each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked, and asked,
if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent
to the Board to obtain an order for examination? He answered me in
broad Scotch, that he would show me the copy of what he had writ for
himself, by direction of another who know the form, and accordingly
pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me that, if I was
expeditious, I might send it into the Board before dinner, for they did
no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to coffee-house hard
by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the
messenger, who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same
time.

Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal
composed; and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, I
desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to
be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau.
He agreed to dine with me at the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on
our way thither carried me to ’Change, where I was in hopes of finding
Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his
appointment), I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards
the other end of the town imparted to my companion his behaviour
towards me; upon which he gave me to understand, that he was no
stranger to the name of Bean Jackson (so he was called at the Navy
Office), although he did not know him personally; that he had the
character of a good-natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of
borrowing from any that would lend; that most people who knew him
believed he had a good principle at bottom, but his extravagance was
such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest the
honesty of his intention. This made me sweat for my five shillings,
which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided
I could find out the debtor.

This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s
history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself
for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to
a person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will
entitling that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as
also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That he was still
under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced him
small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of fifty
per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds
would do little more than pay what he had already received, this
moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name was
Thompson) had entertained me with this account of Jackson, he informed
me that he himself had passed for third mate of a third-rate, about
four months ago; since which time he had constantly attended at the
Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the
beginning, both by a Scotch member, and one of the commissioners to
whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into the first
vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see
six or seven appointed in the same station almost every week—that now
being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a
friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present
to the secretary; without which he was persuaded he might wait a
thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for this
young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the similitude of our
fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at Wapping I
desired him to take a share of my bed.

Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called
before the Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and
education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon
paying half-a-crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the
hands of the clerk at Surgeons’ Hall, together with a shilling for his
trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock was
diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of
relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the
fees at Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which would come on in a
fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured
me he would pawn everything he had in the world, even to his razors,
before I should want: but this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling
him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had
some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word soldier,
he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees I would think no more of
that scheme. “God preserve us all in our right wits!” cried he, “would
you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards,
where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold
lead out of my carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as
all my forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly riches and
honour, if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no respect
of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and
time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless
us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in
the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do
they not make unto themselves wings and fly away? as the wise man
saith. I could also mention many other sayings in contempt of riches,
both from the Bible and other good books; but I know you are not very
fond of those things, I shall only assure you, that if you take on to
be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be slain,
you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also: and
peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.
Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with
small things and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till
Providence shall send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both
our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his
infinite mercy forbid!” I could not help smiling at this harangue,
which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his
eyes all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort without his
consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration;
and told me in a few days he should receive a week’s wages, which
should be at my service, but advised me in the meantime to go in quest
of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me. I
accordingly trudged about from one end of the town to the other, for
several days, without being able to learn anything certain concerning
him: and, one day being extremely hungry, and allured by the steams
that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an
intention to gratify my appetite with a twopennyworth of beef; when to
my no small surprise found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a
footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the
hands saying, he was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at
my lodgings in the afternoon. I was so well pleased at this rencounter
and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I
forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy
expectation of not only recovering my own money before we should part,
but also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal
to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine complexion suggested,
though the account Thompson gave me of him ought to have moderated my
expectation.

When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and
adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by
the hand again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr.
Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me. But I dare
say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time
appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received from a certain
lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret) I am to marry very
soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all
that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll assure you, besides expectations.
For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see
engaging about me—but a whim, you know—and then one would not balk
one’s good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with us—he’s one of
the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You must know it was by
his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with
her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown has he and his
sweetheart had of my money—but what of that? things are now brought to
a bearing. I have—(come a little this way) I have proposed marriage,
and the day is fixed—she’s a charming creature, and writes like an
angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a
player in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near
the stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but
you shall see—you shall see—here’s the last letter she sent me.” With
these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my
remembrance) as follows:

‘Dear Kreeter—As you are the animable hopjack of my contemplayshins,
your aydear is infernally skimming before my keymerycal fansee, when
Murfy sends his puppies to the heys of slipping mortals; and when Febus
shines from his merry dying throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time
has lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet
propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,


Clayrender


Wingar Yard, Drury Lane,
January 12th.’


While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands,
and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my
hand, and squeezing it, cried, “There—a style for you! What do you
think of this billet-doux?” I answered, “It might be sblime for aught I
knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension.” “Oh, ho!” said he,
“I believe it is—both tender and sublime; she’s a divine creature! and
so doats upon me! Let me see—what shall I do with this money, when I
have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I shall do for you.
I’m a man of few words—-but say no more that’s determined; whether
would you advise me, to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the
state, or lay out my wife’s fortune in land, and retire to the country
at once?” I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do
better than buy an estate and improve; especially since he had already
seen so much of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a
country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He
seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had
seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised
three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until
he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle;
and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his
proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy. “As to that,” he
replied, “nothing obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready
cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for
a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by
being detained too long by the dear charmer—but there will be a recall
at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I have
commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If that be
all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in deferring your marriage a few
days.” “Yes, faith, but there is,” said he; “you don’t know how many
rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me. I would not
balk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least appearance
of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don’t occur
every day.”

I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to
proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I
must be obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would
lend me a small sum for a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an
utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a
guinea if my life depended upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s
hard! I wish I had anything to pawn—upon my soul, you have got
excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of
that kind have you got?” I answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At
which he testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought
to have more than four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he;
“but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall
be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me see—let me
see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate
computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-price—eight times eight
is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do—give me your
hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I; “don’t dispose of my
linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then
we shall talk of other matters.” He protested that he had not above one
shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of
the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me
so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received
satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would
not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.

At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very
hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him
not only to make his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my
shirts,” said I; “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I
believe it would fetch a good round sum.” “No, hang it!” said he, “I
can’t appear decently without my hanger, lest it should go.” However,
seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled
his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry
it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means
have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise;
but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only
opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s
shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas
Williams. “Two guineas!” said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger;
“this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty
shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs
will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he paid me
the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and,
calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings,
reserving the other five for myself.” After looking at the money some
time, he said, “Well! it don’t signify—this won’t do my business; so
you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five
shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept
of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it.
Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was
excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner. “Upon my word,”
cried he, “I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow
of his friend when he is in want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit.
Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this
half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if
not, I shall never ask it.”

When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be
persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who
offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much
better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at
night imparted my day’s adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good
luck, saying, “I told you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and
who knows but this marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose,
as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great
lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but
yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there
was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a
certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock,
knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I
sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he uttered a
deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and
made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman
baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and
the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble
member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for
what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither
read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak
Latin—but I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain
than vanity.” With these words, he pulled out of his pocket a
wax-candle’s end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon
examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee of his
wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I
congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he
understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very
little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my
incredulity.




CHAPTER XVII


I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a fierce
dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself
to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in
hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us
to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the
Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour


With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all
the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of
examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in
order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who
walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I
immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair,
understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friend’s
absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of
his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business
was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to
his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with
this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At
that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination,
with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if
he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about
him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with;
which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions
they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no
less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they
did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle
called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was
no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen
of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come
forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or
two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where
was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said
he; “I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to
examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts
did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named
the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then
proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my
time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that
I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was
a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons;
that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,
to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a
time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least:
that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or
shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at
any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.
This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits;
but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely
able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat
opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too
severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not
be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time
to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the
trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person
who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen
amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his
head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued
he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with
his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I
owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I
remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident,
in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of
the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to
smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the
‘animal risible’ in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged
by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called
to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what
would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!”
said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not
answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman
who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure
I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of
care as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers, which he
heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile, “So you think
with such treatment the patient might recover?” I told him I saw
nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t
answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind
succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had
never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some
precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the
intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,”
says the fat gentleman, “there is very good authority—” Here he was
interrupted by the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all
authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.” “But sir, sir,”
replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows—” “A fig for
reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I laugh at reason; give me
ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and
observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would
advance such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged the other
so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: “What,
Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”

By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or
other of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the
chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a
quarter of an hour, I was called in again, received my qualification
scaled up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my
half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade
me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have got my change:” upon
which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I should
not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was
afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles,
and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement
sank my finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking
off, when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would
tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the town,
as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a
person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change
of his dress which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already
described to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old
smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat
over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or a
dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he
had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby greatcoat that
wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into
black worsted hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable by
wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise
at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the
advice and assistance of a friend, who lived over the way, and would
certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it gave him
the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I
applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of
it. At length he was called in; but whether the oddness of his
appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board, or his
behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered
to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order to be
sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a
cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I
perceived him led through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very
much alarmed, and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a
lamentable voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know
him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same
individual John Jackson who served as surgeon’s second mate on board
the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell!”

It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever
lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we
therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and
afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle who was
gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a
few moments renewed his former gaiety—swearing, since the board had
refused his money, he would spend every shilling before he went to bed,
in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favour him
with our company. It was now ten o’clock at night, and, as I had a
great way to walk through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I
was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards
accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted me
to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where we
continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and
made us all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much
elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench; at which demand
Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire.
before we parted Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we
sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a
place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted
the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses,
in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at
length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor
called “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve
shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself
the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a
good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two
ladies who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not
immediately restore his money he would charge a constable with them.
The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to
the drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was
the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she refused
him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends committed to
Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and
Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my
reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she
proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions
to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr.
Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty
of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for
defamation.”

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me
quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that
passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the
constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed
instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except
Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little
concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady
and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to
the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed
the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next
morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling
Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and
your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved
in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she
has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and
although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her
interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay
contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you
first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure
evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so
that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions
may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard labour in
Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against
you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at
the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such
an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his
money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of
retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him
some more before they could come to any composition. But, however, he
had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a
mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship,
and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue;
while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary,
carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually,
that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an
arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in
three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned
all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances
and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned
Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—to which,
by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning, and I
proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he
could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom
we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which
I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.

About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice
not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the
constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted
him as follows: “So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of
rogues have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very
much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh,
your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been
taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine.
You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from
transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the
surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their
expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never
seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you
impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be
imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it
shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk,
write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr.
Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town,
descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice
looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he
valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce
countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do
you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who
affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for
notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious
felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was
thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and
remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of
guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I
am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all
over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,”
raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the
world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been
detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither,
clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of
consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his
worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having
learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and, addressing
himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people
when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong
impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of
riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus,
having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of
paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened
as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.




CHAPTER XVIII


I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the
behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a battle
betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his
harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a French
Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman


I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my
companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the
Navy office, before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave
them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily
pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When
he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if
there were any vacancies; to which interrogation he answered “No!” Then
I ventured to inquire if many ships were to be put in commission soon.
At which question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt;
and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us
another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our
expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended
to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the
first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely
upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some
of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had
provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This
was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a capacity to
gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner.
I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and
sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and
inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my
grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey
to contempt and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I
lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for
this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that
he never should see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the
morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost
distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in
quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not
being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I had
met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening
and night; but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept
much, and therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went
to bed, and desired to be awakened if Strap should happen to come while
I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who
entered my chamber about three o’clock in the afternoon, and presented
a figure to my eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this
affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired
for me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the Navy
Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to
everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ’Change, in hopes of
seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.

At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask
everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him
information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice, in
spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered;
until a blacksmith’s ’prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden
on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty
curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquired after was not
a Scotchman? Strap replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on a
brown coat, with long skirts.” “The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw
him pass by an hour ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands,
“Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a
cart,” said he, “if you make good speed, you may get thither time
enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit incensed my friend to such
a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he
would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!” said the other,
stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you Scotchmen seldom carry
anything about you; but I’ll fight you for love.” There was a ring
immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off
honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment
against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the
multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of
Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his
patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till
finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him,
with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on
the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better
man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar
hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his
clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free
with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and
probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had
they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to make a noise, which
only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this
manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty and appeared before
me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune,
such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost
stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned
himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I
recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign, which filled
him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an
observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London
is the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he desired me
to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went
downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made
a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to
eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old wig and
hat of his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest,
in order to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for
it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the
miserable dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s
boy. My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the
Navy Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards
next day, be the event what it would. This extravagant design, by
flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction; and I was charging
the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap’s return
interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the
tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together with an
old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap
had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain
the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them
both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he
addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman,
and have a great deal of learning—and, indeed, look like a gentleman;
for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. On
the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as
industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to
drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has failings—Humanum
est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well
made and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek; but
what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a little of the
world; but that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and I simple,
it does not follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to
you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the
schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to
me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my grandmother’s
sister’s nephew—no, that’s not it!—my grandfather’s brother’s
daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I
are cousins seven times removed.” My impatience to know the good office
he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at
this place with the exclamation, “If the schoolmaster or you can be of
any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me without all this preamble?”
When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me
for same time with a grave countenance, and then went on: “I’m very
sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late; you were always
fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken
tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so many unlucky
tricks while we were at school—but I will no longer detain you in
suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than doubt—Dubio
procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you will, or
both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you;
for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good
qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation
of the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for
business in this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to
a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation
you may have fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you
please.” I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain
it with indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately
accompanying me to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this
opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part.

We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse
in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with
the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the
door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his
usual term of admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer,
you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of
the window: did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It
was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post
in your career. Oh, my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost
recesses of my habitation—the very penetralia—your eagerness would have
surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or
sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from you. But come along the
gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him
forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people
smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement,
here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a
little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose
turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit for
his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each
side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth so much
accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could
not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth,
which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists,
called canine. This person, I say, after having eyed me some time,
said, “Oho, ’tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance; young man, you are ver
welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine house to-morrow
morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de way.” Upon this I made my
bow, and as I went out of the room could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est
un beau garçon; c’est un gaillard.”

As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the
French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language and
understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to
pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I
supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve before me,
I might possibly discover something in discourse, which would either
yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr. Concordance carried
me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was made, and orders
given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I entered
upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave
me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of
my wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards
accommodated me with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days
I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap
conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room
up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a
chair without a back, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular
piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its ornaments having
been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the
servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.




CHAPTER XIX


The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of
the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that
gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome
consequences


Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well
dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and
taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of
observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I
easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of
entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner
the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that
this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very handsome
fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young
gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the
brink of marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father,
who refused to part with a shilling to promote the match; for which
reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial
veneration that might be expected. In particular she harboured the most
perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which disposition she resembled
her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I
learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she was a matron of a
high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her
dependents; that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her
rival in all parties—which was indeed the true cause of her
disappointments; for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the
father would not have ventured to refuse her demands. Over and above
this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr.
Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way,
convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his
behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment
was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light
than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the
house without being honoured with one word from either mother or
daughter; the latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table
one day expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an
awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of
information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion)
dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and, vanity
apart, made no contemptible figure.

After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some
of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by
miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I
returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had
turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but
did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away
without jolting her; so I was forced to remain where I was with my eyes
fixed to the ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length, her
vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could
hear her pronounce the word ‘creature!’ From this day forward, she came
into the shop fifty times, every day upon various pretences, and put in
practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her
opinion of me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an
unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by
pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my
disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and
notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to
yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the
favourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted
woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the
suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father,
but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped
would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered
me to brush my master’s coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued,
which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother
interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determined it
in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any esteem or
consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying
her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be never
so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them
justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some
people were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This
insinuation of some people and some folks put me upon observing the
behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future: and it was not
long before I had reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter
as a rival in the affections of Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the
house.

In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my
master, who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garçon.” He
had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his
fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for
medicines was not great; for he was the most expert man at a
succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that I have been sometimes
amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up a physician’s
prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in
it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab’s eyes; common oil into
oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water
into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly preparations were
produced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the
materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he
always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a
manner that it could not possibly be known; for which purpose cochineal
and oil of cloves were of great service. Mr. Lavement had attempted
more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by
launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use
of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric
could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his
bosom declared against the proposal.

One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to
visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and
the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening,
and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my
master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I
told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet
returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who
starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My vife not
at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a
prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop
to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a
glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone;
and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with
one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like
the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It would have
been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer,
when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and
perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately
into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I
was lost, my dear. Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me
with a play.” The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but courteous
but the captain, who had been all the time at the door discharging the
coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, saluted him with
all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the
family secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day
improved in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by
degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.




CHAPTER XX


I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect O’Donnell, and am
confirmed in my opinion—concert a scheme of revenge, and put it into
execution—O’Donnell robs his own servant and disappears—make my
addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare


One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a
patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand,
that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with
three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered when I
recovered the use of my reason alarmed the people of a solitary
alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they were humane
enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds,
and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the
skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that
doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails. The
second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended
for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword
snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained sticking in the
skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself
that I had been assaulted by a common footpad, because it is not usual
for such people to murder though they rob, especially when they meet
with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me
but my carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have
been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some
secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who
had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell
and my master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took
care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the
morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the
captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back and
gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted
for from surprise occasioned by the seeing me in such a condition. My
master having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy,
and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be
carried upstairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his
wife, who was of opinion that it would be better for me to go to an
hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was
employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against
Squire O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of
my misfortune; when miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my
chamber, and saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen
me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed
my eyes steadfastly upon her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no
symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, “If that be the case, why
don’t you take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It will cost but
a trifle—if you have no money, I’ll lend you.” This frankness not only
cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my
belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have
further proof before I should enterprise anything in the way of
revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which, however, I
had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly: for
though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a
soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear
with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my
prosecution of him would not much avail.

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I
knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I
could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able
to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on
his practice without hiring another journeyman in my room.

The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret
enemy, was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an
undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I
applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it
answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt;
and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost
solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days.
Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had
practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour
opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be
imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding
satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this
undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature
of the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such easy
terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put
my design in execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance
of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we
provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to
be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday
evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be
disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot to
visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that, if
you have anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions
has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present
opportunity of seeing,


Yours, etc.”


This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived
in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything
succeeded to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of
appointment, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had
assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword,
stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which was scourged with
nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all
the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with
the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in
a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home
in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him.
I afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend,
who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who
carried him to the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his
lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in
a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that
he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated
with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied
with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement
himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious
grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to
myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an
opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my
adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and, indeed, I
not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea’d him alive, but
another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked
and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave
information to those who found his clothes next day, whither to bring
them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost except a few
letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of
the apothecary’s wife. This, and the others, which were all on the
subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who
are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female
author, famous for the scandal she has published; who, after having
embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to
the to town in print. I was very much shocked on reflection, that I
might possibly be the occasion of a whole family’s unhappiness on
account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that
apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had
commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation, and looked upon
the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had
disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two
ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for as soon as the
pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient
considerably diminish, till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was
impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the
occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved
worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply,
and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the
apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the
appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner
described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his character was
become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp;
and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat of drum, after
having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him except
the clothes he had on his back.

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,
took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it
was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to
indemnify him for what O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being
elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master
being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to
break it open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle
of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment
and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go
abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same
time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself
from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me,
so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations
I owed to this poor, honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the
heart of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance: and now
that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable,
was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the
familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his
welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last
determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days, took
his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold
without emotion. I now began to look upon me as of a gentleman in
reality; learned to dance, frequented plays during the holidays; became
the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my
decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady,
who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I
prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise
of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I
blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all
my wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually
turned me from my design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for
the future.




CHAPTER XXI


Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a troublesome
affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he marries my master’s
daughter—they conspire against me—I am found guilty of theft,
discharged—deserted by my friends, I hire a room in St. Gile’s—where,
by accident, I find the lady to whom I paid my addresses in a miserable
condition—I relieve her


When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let his
first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who by
this time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial
ferocity in his appearance that I was afraid he would remember what
happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of
appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually
forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the
least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured
of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be
convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at
bottom the same individual Gawky, whom I have already described. For
coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise
in the street, and as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody,
of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were miserable, disfigured with
dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one
of them, whom by his tongue I know to be a Scotchman, lamented most
piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman
refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously,
and that he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my
native country was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody
belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my
faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person
for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged, than he
betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I
should think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily, for, before
I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from
one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of that
organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of
Captain Gawky’s being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, and
was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric
draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits,
occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took
twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.

When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood
by the servant that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I
made no scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and
was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before
that event) I had long been a stranger.

My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect
upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to
declare the truth of the whole story in order to be revenged on the
cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered: accordingly, next day after he
had told, in presence of my master, his wife and daughter, who came to
him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had shown in making his
escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence
of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky
was so astonished at this that he could not answer one word, and the
rest of the company stared at one another; till at length my mistress
reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me
away for my presumption. Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself)
observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him,
he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have
suffered for his incivility; but advised me to be more certain in my
conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the
prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the Captain’s generosity in
pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began to
imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary,
who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife and
daughter, differed from them in their sentiments of the matter, and
expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: “Ah mon pauvre
Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine
vife and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine un
fanfaron, pardieu!”

This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by
him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky,
the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at
a juncture when one was absolutely necessary. The young lady insinuated
herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less
than a fortnight, on pretence of going to the play, they drove away
together to the Fleet, where they were married; and in the morning came
home, where they asked her father’s and mother’s blessing. The prudent
parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was
carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the
apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young
man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned one syllable on the
article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival
and a spy upon her. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery
of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against
him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so
strongly in his breast, that he imparted his indignation to his wife,
who being as desirous as himself to accomplish the ruin of one that not
only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover
particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in
a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they expected)
would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.

My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of
which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain
terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could
only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one
day, “Your vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to
chercher for my medicine; pardonnez moi—il faut chercher—me demand le
clef of your coffre a cette heure.” Then raising his voice to conceal
the fright he was in lest I should make any opposition, he went on,
“Oui! I charge you rendez le clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous
parle.” I was fired with so much resentment and disdain at this
accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt;
and pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately,
though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my
reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the key and
mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family, saying, “Eh
bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was my horror and amazement,
when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things that
were missing, and pronounced, “Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu—mardy, Mons.
Roderique, you be fort innocent!” I had not power to utter one word in
my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while everybody
present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The
servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away
repeating, “Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion from
this detection to rail against the practice of employing strangers in
general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a
good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the
justice and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually
upon the stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement knowing
the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself,
and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my confession
might affect his practice, called out. “Restez, mon fils! restez, it be
veritablement one grand crime which dis pauvre diable have
committed—bot peut-etre de good God give him de penitence, and me vill
not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner.” The captain and his
lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal could suggest to
prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and
represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a
member, in letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more
mischief in the world when he should reflect on his coming off so
easily now; but their eloquence made no impression on my master, who
turning to me said, “Go, miserable, go from mine house quick,
quick!—and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.” By this time my
indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto
remained and I began in this manner:—“Sir, appearances I own condemn
me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a
sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel” (pointing to Gawky) “who
has found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them
might blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred to
me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in my own
country—for which injury he in a cowardly manner, refused me the
satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows, moreover, that I am no stranger
to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before,
and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and
pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty
of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin. And I am afraid,
madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily entered into the
sentiments of your husband. I have often found you my enemy, and am
well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I don’t at
present think proper to declare; but I would advise you, for your own
sake, not to drive me to extremity.” This address enraged her so much
that with a face as red us scarlet and the eyes of a fury, she strutted
up to me and putting her hands in her side, spat in my face, saying, I
was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her
papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay
another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming a big
look, told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but
that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death. To
this threat I answered, “I wish I could meet with thee in a desert,
that I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for thy perfidy
towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal. What hinders me this
moment,” said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by, “from doing
myself that justice?” I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than
Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one
overturned the other, and they rolled together down stairs, while my
mistress swooned away with fear, and her daughter asked if I intended
to murder her. I gave her to understand, that nothing was farther from
my intention, that I would leave her to the stings of her own
conscience; but was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose,
whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity. Then going down
stairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand,
and Gawky behind armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded
a parley: and having assured him of my pacific disposition, Gawky
exclaimed, “Ah, villain! you have killed my dear wife.” And the
apothecary cried, “Ah, coquin! vere is my shild?” “The lady,” said I,
“is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months hence, I believe
reward your concern.” Here she called to them, and desired they would
let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about him. To
which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless, that my
conversation was ‘very mysterious.’

Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house
immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of
clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future
conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone to the country,
where he would stay two or three days. I returned with a design of
consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the neighbourhood; but
my story had taken air through the officiousness of the servants, and
not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found
myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition
than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was
without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; but at present my
good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body
was infected by an odious distemper; and my faithful Strap, who alone
could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was
to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had
formerly lodged, where I remained two days in hopes of getting another
place by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of
being able to vindicate my character; but in this supposition I
reckoned without my best, for Lavement took care to be beforehand with
me; and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the
schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would
scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished my justification,
shook his head, and beginning with his usual exclamation said, “That
won’t go down with me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of
being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for
the future. I will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my father who
begat me, nor the brother who lay with me in my mother’s womb: should
Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor; and were the
genius of truth to appear, would question its veracity!” I told him,
that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had
suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he
answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with
joy; “but till that shall happen,” continued he, “I must beg to have no
manner of connection with you—my reputation is at stake. I shall be
looked upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan
Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the
cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with
gin: I shall be notorious—the very butt of slander, and sink of
infamy!” I was not in a humour to relish the climax of expressions upon
which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses; but, without
any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror
which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in the
intervals of my despondence, that I must, in some shape suit my expense
to my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment
in a garret near St. Giles’s, at the rate of nine-pence per week.

I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the
unhappiness of my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from a
chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found a
woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible signs
of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began
to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what
were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same
individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I
had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my
breast with compassion. She knew me immediately; and, straining me
gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help
increasing. At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced
with a feeble voice, “Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at
your hands: I am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your
person—suffer me, to expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a
miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.” I
encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her
intentions with regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were
extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. I begged in the
meantime to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had
just recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any
more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression,
took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are too
generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I
perish for want.” Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another
swoon. Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate
heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect then must it have had on
mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I ran
downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist’s shop for some cinnamon
water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature’s chamber, used
all the means in my power to bring her to herself; this aim with much
difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to
recruit her spirits: then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a
toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and
informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours
before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her
calamity, she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town
by profession; that in the course of her adventures she found herself
dangerously infected with a distemper, to which all of her class are
particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she
became loathsome to herself and offensive to others: when she resolved
to retire to some obscure corner where she might be cured with as
little noise and expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen
this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising
doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could
procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in
which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had pawned
or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that rapacious
quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in
her threats to turn her out into the street. After having moralised
upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same
room with me, an expedient that would save some money: and assured her,
I would undertake to cure her as well as my own, during which she
should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself.
She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put
it in practice immediately. I found her not only an agreeable
companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a
careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection.
One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good
sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each), could be
reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life, she answered
with a sigh, “These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.” This
remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged
she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied
in these words.




CHAPTER XXII


The History of Miss Williams


‘My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the
course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old
age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which he had
purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time, I being but
eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education,
boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian, and confined me so
closely to what she called the duties of religion, that in time I grew
weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received an aversion for the
good books, she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age,
and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal
of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented
the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt’s sentiments,
told me I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under
her influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for which
purpose she advised me to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the
authors that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of
thinking, and by comparing one with the other, I should soon be able to
form a system of my own. I followed her advice; and whether it was
owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the
clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but I
studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed
freethinker. Proud of my improvement, I argued in all companies, and
that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a
philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew
vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a
proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift than,
taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and
conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me
immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful
principles. Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I
arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and, by his command gave him a
detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so
unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding myself suddenly
deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy
and it was some time before I could relish my situation. But solitude
became every day more and more familiar to me and I consoled myself in
my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were
not employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been
dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion.
Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to
poetry and romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very
extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I resided.

‘I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that
bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house,
when a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying,
“Holloa, there’s a charming creature!” alighted in a moment, caught me
in his arms, and treated me so rudely that I shrieked as loud as I
could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with all the strength
that rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another
horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted,
and flew to my assistance. The squire, mad with disappointment, or
provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and
running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired it at my
protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and, with the
butt-end of his whip laid him prostrate on the ground before he could
use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and, clapping
to the squire’s breast, threatened to put him to death for his
cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I interposed and begged his
life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and
swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender
thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints,
before he gave him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me
home, where my father having learned the signal service he had done me,
loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our
house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me
with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to
entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-twenty,
among the tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which
he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining
to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as
snow, and a certain openness of countenance—but why need I describe any
more particulars of his person? I hope you will do me the justice to
believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of
you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his family and degree,
I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother.
He spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was ingenuous,
sensible, and uncommon. “In short,” said she, bursting into tears, “he
was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest and
respectful, but his looks were so significant, that I could easily
observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my
acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was the eldest son
of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no
strangers—that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country,
from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to
my rescue.”

‘All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous
expectations: there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s
coming to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately
became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to
my fancy; and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of
romance, who being delivered from the power of some brutal giant or
satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led
by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In
vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by reflections
more reasonable and severe: the amusing images took full possession of
my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the
language of a despairing lover. Next morning after breakfast he took
his leave, when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance
with him; to which request he replied by a compliment to him, and a
look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul
received the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his visit;
and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me would be
tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business
to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good
sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This task he
performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often
through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing
myself the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion,
he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a
veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament,
admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully persuaded of his
conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed his
love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to
disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation
with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we
contrived to meet more frequently in private interviews, where we
enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy
and impatience of hope that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He
professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question;
lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him
for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an
appearance of candour and devotion—that I became a dupe to his deceit.
Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace! Cursed
be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer! Cursed
be my education, that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the
more susceptible! Cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object,
and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly,
nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my
person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had
I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my
ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to
the enchantments of one alone.

‘But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits
of my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I
perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached
him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse me,
that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe. He seemed to
acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of finding a proper
clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But alas! the inconstant
had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the utmost
impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing
excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring suspicions of his
faith. At length I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house,
that this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London
with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. This
information distracted me! Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced
a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against
the traitor who had undone me. Then my resentment would subside to
silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I wept over my
infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a
moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable
circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his
absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a
match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of
seeing him before the thing should be brought to any terms of
agreement. But how vain was my imagination! That villain left me
without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage were spread
all over the country. My horror was then inconceivable; and had not the
desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put
an end to my miserable life. My father observed the symptoms of my
despair: and though I have good reason to believe he guessed the cause,
was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while
he endeavoured with parental fondness to alleviate my distress. I saw
his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the
author of my calamity to an implacable degree.

‘Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from
this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived
at a small town, from whence a stage coach set out for London, in which
I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having
supported me all the way against every other reflection, My first care
was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very retired, assumed a
feigned name, that my character and situation might be better
concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of my lover,
whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to
act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the
hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a
particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call
him), I was desired to send up my name and business; but this I
refused, telling the porter I had business for his master’s private
ear; upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should be
informed of my request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour,
when a servant entered and told me his master was engaged with company,
and begged to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no
longer. I pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it,
and rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, “Where’s this
perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into his false heart, I
should then die satisfied!” The noise I made alarmed not only the
servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats came forward to
the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and
withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt the most exquisite
torture in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could
not endure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe
fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I recovered
the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paltry apartment,
where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent
questions relating to my condition, and informed me that my behaviour
had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I
was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded
herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and
had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I
should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any
other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair;
but this she told me could not be done without her master’s consent,
which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my lodgings
in a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my
thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I
believe it is well for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my
burden; for let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had
brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me
to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the father’s
infidelity.

‘After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate
and calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was a
gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of
consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace
of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I
attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any
determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding without
my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able
to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his
business was with me? Upon which he desired I would give him a
particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something
that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself
sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and
bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, gave me to
understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my
story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own mouth—that from
the time he knew my misfortunes he had entertained a detestation for
the author of them, which had of late been increased and inflamed to a
desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that
hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of
offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my
quarrel, and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would
grant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to
refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a
persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable
effect than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a
delirium of gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my
revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me
an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the
clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my
perfidious lover was no more: that although he was not entitled to such
an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field,
where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom, he told
me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left him weltering in
his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the
recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars and feasted
my eyes on the blood that remained on his clothes and sword. My
imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed
Lothario appeared before me pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my
rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his cause so
pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit
of horror and remorse. I dropped asleep again, and the same apparition
recurred to my fancy. In short, I passed the night in great misery, and
looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning,
perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of
Lothario’s recovery: it was quite true he left him wounded on the
ground, but not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.
At these words I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he
could not bring me tidings of Lothario’s safety, at least consult his
own, and never return; for I was resolved to surrender myself to
justice, and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I
might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere
repentance and ignominious death. He very coolly represented the
unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but
what his love of me inspired, and honour justified: that now he had, at
the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to
discard him as an infamous agent, occasionally necessary; and that,
even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario’s safety, it
was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him
with having failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that on the
contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be
convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour than on
those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an
adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his power.
“Well, then madam,” said he, “whatever may have happened, I shall find
it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour;” and took
his leave in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I was
now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the
affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and
weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes; but
now that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to
express the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by
the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite
agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call
my new friend) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear,
delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.

“Madam,
    “As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this
    liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from Horatio are
    not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a
    person who has endeavoured to disturb the repose as well as the
    life of


“Lothario.”


‘Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an
imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport
of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man
alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater
misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers,—the
most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting:
that very letter which in a manner re-established my tranquillity, in a
little time banished my peace. His unjust reproaches, while they waked
my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with
rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind,
endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the
amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every
indulgence I could desire; introduced into the company of women in my
own situation, by whom an uncommon deference was paid to me; and I
began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident
brought it back to my view with all its interesting circumstances.
Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before
perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:

‘“Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s house in
the county of —, about the end of September, on account (as is
supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of.
Whoever will give any information about her to Mr. — of Gray’s Inn,
shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her
disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness,
whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means
of prolonging the life of a father already weighed down almost to the
grave with age and sorrow.”

‘This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully
resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness
of him who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I found he had paid
his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last
hour, having left his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his
resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with
remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most profound melancholy, and
considered myself as the immediate cause of his death. I lost all
relish for company; and, indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner
perceived my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio,
disgusted at my insensibility, or from some other cause, became colder
and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without
making any apology for his conduct, or securing me against the miseries
of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the share
he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that the quarrel between
Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my
importunities, and give the other a recommendation to me, which, it
seems, he desired, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced
to this extremity, I cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid
imprecations against the treachery of Horatio; and, as I became every
day more and more familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be
revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon
themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old gentlewoman,
under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having condoled
me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began
to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and
invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal,
that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the
extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon
understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain
herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide whatever
profits might accrue from such gallants as she should introduce to my
acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a
certain judge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent
creature just arrived from the country.’




CHAPTER XXIII


Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the
Marshalsea—I accompany her—prove she is not the person named in the
writ—the bailiff is fain to discharge her—we shift our lodging—her
story, and my reflections thereupon—progress of a common woman of the
town—resolves to quit that way of life


Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner
opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom
accosted my fellow-lodger thus: “Madam, your servant—you must do me the
favour to come along with me, I have a writ against you.” While the
bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the
prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed
me so much, that I snatched up the poker and would certainly have used
it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and
number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a composure of
countenance for which I could not account, to use no violence on her
behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very
detrimental to myself. Then turning to the leader of this formidable
troop, she desired to see the writ, and having perused it, said with a
faltering voice, “I am not the person whose name is here mentioned,
arrest me at your peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the catchpole. “We
shall prove your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased
to be carried, to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,” said
she, “I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.” “Well,
well,” answered he, “if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall
be entertained like a princess.” But when she acquainted him with her
poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his
myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea at once.
While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me
be under no concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate
herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by
the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very
well pleased with her assurance; and when the coach came to the door, I
offered to accompany her to prison, to which proposal, after much
entreaty, she consented.

When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted,
and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no
sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than he cried, “Ah, ah: my
old acquaintance Bet! I’m glad to see thee with all my heart.” So
saying, he opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when
he observed her face, he started back, saying, “Who have we got here?”
The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion,
“Who should it be but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey
replied, “That Elizabeth Cary! I’ll be hanged if that’s Elizabeth Cary
more than my grandmother.” Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and
tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might
have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. “It may be so,”
answered he, “but I’ll have further evidence that you are not the
person, before you and I part.” “Yes, yes,” said she, “you shall have
further evidence, to your cost.” Then we adjourned into the lodge, and
called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to
two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their
lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them
together at a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were
luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without
hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which
flattered them with the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there
is an antipathy as natural between women of that class and bailiffs, as
that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly, when they entered
the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by the name
of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been nabbed, and for
what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they
offered to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person
mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff,
who was by the time convinced of his mistake, told them he would not
put them to that trouble. “Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm done—you
shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we’ll
part friends.” This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood:
and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as
to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey
interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as
ever was tipped over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be, but
were it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I
have suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged
to jail; at this rate, no innocent person is safe, since an officer of
justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and
oppress the subject with impunity; but, thank heaven, I live under the
protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass
unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.” Mr. Vulture,
for that was the bailiff’s name, finding he had to deal with one who
would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed,
and, leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with
himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of
dreadful curses against the old jade our landlady, as he called her,
for having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the
matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the
other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been
drunk, coach hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the
plaintiff. The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified
the two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket
drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet
pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a business that
might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This
guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great
necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on
my back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before
this happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first
care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed
next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible,
until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our new
habitation, I entreated her to finish the story of her life, which she
pursued in this manner:—

‘The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practice
the same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not long, my
character taking air, and my directress deserting me for some new game.
Then I took lodgings near Charing-Cross, at two guineas a week, and
began to entertain company in a public manner; but my income being too
small to defray my expenses, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into
articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find
employment enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them.
Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom
I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from
drunkenness and brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to
the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants,
it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my
profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my
countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I
was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with
disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors
and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find
myself almost totally neglected.

‘To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings,
trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening
musing by myself on misery before me when I received a message from a
tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a
gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous
manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up,
and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room. I
waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity,
rose up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door, he found
it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing,
with great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we
went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the captain, than the fellow,
staring with a distracted look, cried, “How, madam, is he not abed?”
And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet
adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. Through
this the adventurer had got upon a wall, front whence he dropped down
into a court and escaped, leaving me to be answerable not only for the
reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which
he had carried off with him.

‘It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw
myself detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that
light, and carried before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a
sign of guilt committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell,
having admonished me, as the only means to save my life, to turn
evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of
Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an
ignominious death. This reflection sank so deep into my soul, that I
was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself
in hell, tormented by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very
extravagant imagination to form that idea: for of all the scenes on
earth that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always
entertained of the regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and
impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the
midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a
barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform,
and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity.
I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which
miserable interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything
about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only
destitute of necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was
extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation,
would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being
committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of my
own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a
week’s lodging.

‘Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an
end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in
the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep, and
fixing one end of a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the
scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a
noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang
myself; but before I could adjust the knot I was surprised and
prevented by two women, who had been awake all the while and suspected
my design. In the morning, my attempt was published among the prisoners
and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which, co-operating with
my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me
into an ecstacy of madness, during which I tore the flesh from my bones
with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they
were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further
mischief to myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days,
at the end of which I grew calm and sullen: but as the desire of making
away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving
myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance.

‘Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of
nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found my
resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost
insupportable. At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the
prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with
Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards
quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind,
altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house among the
hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, arrack,
and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived in her house. This
serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice for
the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in
consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to
Bridewell. She had not been long there before she learned my disaster,
and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, inquired into
the particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in discourse
together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account
I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the theft, and cleared
me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the master, had
orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free.

‘This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such
an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady
then present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously
offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into
her own house as soon as she could compromise matters with the
justices. The conditions of her offer were, that I should pay three
guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides,
for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with,
to be deducted from the first profits of my occupation. These were hard
terms, but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and
naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I
therefore embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours,
took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of
having formerly disgusted my admirers by my reserved loud haughty
behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and the
sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in
the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of
a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and
soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the
pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of
being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered
among the customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my
reputation and blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of
aversion and disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as
ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satisfy my
malicious landlady, who having purposely given me credit to the amount
of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me and I was arrested in her
own house. Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff
entered, not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my
prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears,
and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want
admirers in Newgate.

‘At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began
to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. “Harkee, my girl,”
he inquired “how far have you overrun the constable?” I told him that
the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expenses of the writ.
“An that be all,” said he, “you shan’t go to the bilboes this bout.”
And taking out his purse, he paid the money, discharged the bailiff,
and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a
more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down; for which
purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched
with this singular piece of generosity, that for some time I had not
power to thank him. However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged
the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained
the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what
was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment
attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until
he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.

‘Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his
bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity,
and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! when
one of the sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town
where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might
entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow
me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and
danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts I should
contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my
companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in
quality of my maid, with the proviso that she should be reimbursed and
handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was
immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very
day hired a genteel apartment in Park Street, whither I moved in a
couch loaded with her baggage, and my own. I made my first appearance
in a blue riding habit trimmed with silver; and my maid acted her part
so artfully, that in a day or two my fame spread all over the
neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from
the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me;
but I soon found them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who
crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my
fortune. I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as
possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at
length attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes,
and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our
nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate
friend to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had the extreme
mortification and surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my old
keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour, but had
presence of mind to advance and salute me, bidding me (with a low
voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. In spite
of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to entertain
them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe headache, to
the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest
manner, and went off with his friend.

‘Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time
for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only
indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the
neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed in
this manner: Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in small
parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried them at
several times to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise
procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night,
when every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim
at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople, but
found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions,
till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my
dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune, or expectation of
me, but that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had
incurred, or should contract, from myself to another, and at the same
time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one who bore
such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you
from my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the
negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she
went to buy sugar for breakfast. When I found myself detected and
forsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of
stairs higher than before. My companion, being disappointed in her
expectations, left me, and I had no other resource than to venture
forth, like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and
uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill
and Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the
inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and
thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one dupe, then creep up
to my garret, in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try
to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake
or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal
treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good
humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my
heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these
nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that in a short
time rendered me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the
retreat where your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.’

So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that
I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, and
expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone
in so little time, for all her misfortunes had happened within the
compass of two years; I compared her situation with my own, and found
it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured hardships, ’tis
true—my whole life had been a series of such; and when I looked
forward, the prospect was not much bettered, but then they were become
habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them with less
difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have
recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand
different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without
forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it,
or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world.
On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity,
she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all
the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any
extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of
uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of life. How fatal
then, how tormenting, how intolerable, must her reverse of fortune
be!—a reverse, that not only robs her of these external comforts, and
plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace
of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all
professions I pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and
her of all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to
be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed that notwithstanding
the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so
unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same
community. “I have often seen,” said she, “while I strolled about the
streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and
filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley, some
of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the
town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage
and dress. Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are
decreed for me!” “No!” cried she, after some pause, “I shall never live
to such extremity of distress; my own hand shall open a way for my
deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!” Her condition
filled me with sympathy and compassion: I revered her qualifications,
looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with
such care and success, that in less than two months her health, as well
as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our
mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects
were formed, which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We
would have gladly gone to service, but who would take us in without
recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which she
intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first money she
should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some village at
a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for
service: by which means she might be provided for, in a manner much
more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.




CHAPTER XXIV


I am reduced to a great misery—assaulted on Tower Hill by a press-gang,
who put me on board a tender—my usage there—my arrival on board at a
man-of-war, where I am put in irons, and released by the good offices
of Mr. Thompson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—-he
relates his own story—characters of the captain, surgeon, and first
mate


I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was
hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed
in her behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit
with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient
house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken
leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of
eternal gratitude; assuring me she would remain in this situation no
longer than she could pick up money sufficient to put her other design
in execution.

As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between
which I hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving
condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate,
and I became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention
to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the
command of a small coasting vessel then in the river, and implore his
assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour;
for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his
side, and a cudgel in his hand came up to me, calling, “Yo ho! brother,
you must come along with me.” As I did not like his appearance, instead
of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding
myself of his company; upon which he whistled aloud, and immediately
another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar,
and began to drag me along. Not being in a humour to relish such
treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and, with one blow of
my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself
surrounded in a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such
dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me
with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which I
received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I was
disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender,
where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into
the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well
nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity enough
to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I
desired one of my fellow captives who was unfettered, to take a
handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my head, to stop the
bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, ’tis true, but instead of
applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of
the hatchway, and, with astonishing composure, sold it before my face
to a bumboat woman (1) then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he
treated his companions, regardless of my circumstances and entreaties.

(1) A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and
fresh potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the
ship


I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck,
telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I
should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man
could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved
tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me “I was a mutinous dog,
and that I might die for anything he cared!” Finding there was no other
remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to
be called at a more fitting opportunity. In the meantime, loss of
blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench
of the place, to throw me into a swoon, out of which I was recovered by
a tweak of the nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel over
us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and
comforted me with the hopes of being put on board of the Thunder next
day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by
the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he
had belonged to that ship long; and be giving me to understand he had
belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling?
“Know Lieutenant Bowling!” said he, “Odds my life! and that I do; and a
good seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave fellow
as ever cracked biscuit—none of your Guinea pigs, nor your fresh water,
wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind have honest
Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here’s his health, with all my
heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the lieutenant needs not be
ashamed to show himself.” I was so much affected with this eulogium,
that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant
Bowling’s kinsman; in consequence of which connection, he expressed his
inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some cold
boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully,
and afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus
engaged, he recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found,
was very much beloved by the ship’s company, and pitied for the
misfortune that had happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very
glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum
had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the
ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my uncle’s letter, written from
Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for
his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and
desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated. When he
heard that part of it in which he says he had written to his landlord
in Deal, he cried, “Body o’ me! that was old Ben Block; he was dead
before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, Lieutenant
Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the
first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. Well, well, we must
all die, that’s certain—we must all come to port sooner or later, at
sea or on shore—we must be fast moored one day: death’s like the best
bower anchor, as the saying is—it will bring us all up.” I could not
but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections, and
inquired into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my
uncle, which he explained in this manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure,
is a good man enough—besides, he’s my commander; but what’s that to me?
I do my duty, and value no man’s anger of a rope’s end. Now the report
goes, as how he’s a lord, or baron knight’s brother, whereby (d’ye see
me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his officers,
though mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying
at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and
as he always kept a good look out, he made (d’ye see) three lights in
the offing, whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and
found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a
main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called
him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, I being then sentinel in the
steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant
returned the salute, and they jawed together fore and aft a good spell,
till at last the captain turned out, and, laying hold of a rattan, came
athwart Mr. Bowling’s quarter: whereby he told the captain that, if he
was not his commander, he would heave him overboard, and demanded
satisfaction ashore; whereby in the morning watch, the captain went
ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter
ashore, and so they, leaving the boats’ crews on their oars, went away
together; and so (d’ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard
firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying
wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who
cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the
sail he could bear, and had got far enough ahead before we knew
anything of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him,
for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wrath, and
would certainly have done him a mischief; for he afterwards caused him
to be run on the ship’s books, whereby he lost all his pay, and, if he
should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”

This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of
his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had
subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of
necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day, was, with the
other pressed men, put on board of the “Thunder,” lying at the Nore.
When we came alongside, the mate, who guarded us thither, ordered my
handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier; this
circumstance being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the
gangboard to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was
busied in doing this friendly office for me, “Hey, Jack, what Newgate
galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not
thieves enow among us already?” Another, observing my wounds, which
remained exposed to the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that
I must be new payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together with
blood, as it were into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were
mended with the red ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I
could not keep my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, a
thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I
could get up the ship’s side.

After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one
of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds
dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship
carried eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, when I was met by the
same midshipman who had used me so barbarously in the tender: he,
seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had
released me? To this question, I foolishly answered, with a countenance
that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, “Whoever did it, I
am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.” I had no sooner
uttered these words, than he cried, “Damn you, you saucy son of a
hitch, I’ll teach you to talk so to your officer.” So saying, he
bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple jack he had in his
hand: and, going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me,
that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a
sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my
condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation he could,
and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to
dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson,
with whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned.
If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise me,
disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had
undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of
compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had
applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him
if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not recollect
my face? Upon this address he observed me with great earnestness for
some time, and at length protested he could not recollect one feature
of my countenance. To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my
name, which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed
his sorrow at seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him
acquainted with my story, and, when he heard how inhumanly I had been
used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I should see him
again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when
the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me
follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first
lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain,
touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the
midshipman, who was present to confront me.

I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the
tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being
proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great
devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to make
way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take his turn
in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed, for I
was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty than
that of assisting his mates, in making and administering medicines to
the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. Thompson,
who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon, that
he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate,
who was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend
Thompson carried me down to the cockpit, which is the place allotted
for the habitation of the surgeon’s mates; and when he had shown me
their berth (as he called it), I was filled with astonishment and
horror, We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon,
which, I understood, was immersed several feet under water, being
immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal
gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified
cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of
the ladder, resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint
glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre
countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his
nose, and a pen in his hand. This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the
ship’s steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several
messes, and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my name
to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a
light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which
was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest,
that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened
to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed round
to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from
the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged within the
cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained
me with some cold suit pork, which he brought from a sort of locker,
fixed above the table: and calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a
can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.

By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly
depressed with the appearance of everything about me, and could no
longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thompson’s fortune
since I had seen him in London. He told me, that being disappointed in
his expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at
the Navy Office, he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer
in town, and had actually offered his service, in quality of mate, to
the surgeon of a merchant ship, bound to Guinea on the slaving trade;
when, one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance,
came to his lodgings, and informed him that he had seen a warrant made
out in his name at the Navy Office, for surgeon’s second mate of a
third-rate. This unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely
believe to be true, more especially as he had been found qualified at
Surgeons’ Hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to
himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so:
whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the
oaths administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to
Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach
for Rochester; next morning got on board the “Thunder,” for which he
was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day
was mustered by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for him that
such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours after his
arrival, another William Thompson came on board, affirming that he was
the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was
an impostor.

My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as his
namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and
dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he
produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name,
and, recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he
brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed a
name which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that they
should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure the warrant had
been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent heat, that the
commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and the
surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with
their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in
his station. “I have been on board,” said he, “ever since; and, as this
way of life is becoming familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my
situation. The surgeon is a good-natured, indolent man; the first mate
(who is now on shore on duty) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as
all Welshmen are, but in the main a friendly honest fellow. The
lieutenants I have no concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too
much of a gentleman to know a surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”




CHAPTER XXV


The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure, and generosity—the
economy of our mess described—Thomson’s further friendship—the nature
of my duty explained—the situation of the sick


While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit
ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil
and his dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him before
there is something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow as saffron,
or as plue as a pell (look you), or as green as a leek, ’tis all one.”
To this declaration somebody answered, “So it seems my poor messmate
must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His foretopsail is
loose already; and besides the doctor ordered you to overhaul him; but
I see you don’t mind what your master says.” Here he was interrupted
with, “Splutter and cons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? Get
you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my
abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any
shentleman’s (no disparagement to him,) in the whole world. Cot pless
my soul I does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or
an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and
downwards, and by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure? Go your
ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and request
that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for
him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when
my craving stomach is satisfied, look you.” At this, the other went
away, saying, “that if they should serve him so when he was dying, by
God he would be foul of them in the other world.” Here Mr. Thompson let
me know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who
was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some
of the sick in the morning; at the same time I saw him come into the
berth. He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a
snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little
fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles.
My friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he
regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a
bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which, when he
had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion, “Cot is my life, all the
pork is gone, as I am a Christian!” Thompson then gave him to
understand, that, as I had been brought on board half famished, he
could do no less than to entertain me with what was in the locker, and
the rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this
disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really
thought himself too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not, but
after some pause, he went on in this manner: “Mr. Thompson, perhaps you
do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect
(look you,) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to advise
with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been a man of
some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and
home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay, and maintained a
family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your older,
and your petter, Mr. Thompson.” “My elder, I’ll allow you to be, but
not my better!” cried Thompson, with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour, and
witness too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am more elder,
and therefore more petter by many years than you.” Fearing this dispute
might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr.
Morgan I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference
between him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least
breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance to myself,
or seek admission into some other company. But Thompson, with more
spirit than discretion (as I thought), insisted upon my remaining where
he had appointed me; and observed that no man, possessed of generosity
and compassion, would have any objection to it, considering my birth
and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.

This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great
earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess;
but only complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not
observed. “As for a sheltenman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the
hand, “I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: for, Cot help me! I have had
vexations enough upon my own pack.” And as I afterwards learned, in so
saying, he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once
settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by
being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he
untied his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a
great lump of Cheshire cheese, wrapped up in a handkerchief: and,
taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite,
inviting us to share of the repast. When he had fed heartily on his
homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with
brandy, and, drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the best menstruum
for onions and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to be in
better humour; and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner
understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a
particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree
in a direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who
was first the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar.
Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a
present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check which
I received from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to appear with decency.

Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a
prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman had read, he got
up to prepare it, and asked, “if the man was dead or alive.” “Dead!”
replied Jack; “if he was dead, he would have no occasion for doctor’s
stuff. No, thank God, death han’t as yet boarded him. But they have
been yard-arm and yard-arm these three glasses.” “Are his eyes open,”
continued the mate. “His starboard eye,” said the sailor, “is open, but
fast jammed in his head: and the haulyards of his under jaw have given
way.” “Passion of my heart!” cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as one
would desire to be! Did you feel his pulses!” To this the other replied
with “Anan!” Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and
humanity, ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive
till he should come with the medicine, “and then,” said he, “you shall
peradventure pehold what you shall see.”

The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick
man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance,
and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed,
“Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop
him!” said the other; “I hailed him several times, but he was too far
on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so
that he did not mind me.” “Well, well,” said he, “we all owe heaven a
teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning,
look you, and repent of your misteets.” So saying, he pushed the seaman
out of the berth.

While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we
heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging
to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large
wooden platter, and, in a few minutes, returned with it full of boiled
peas, crying “Scaldings” all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting
of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three
plates, which by the colour I could with difficulty discern to be
metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were
curtailed in the handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan
himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter scooped from an
old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper.
I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which,
nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their
example, as it was banyan day and we could have no meat till next noon.
But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore
desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of
banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
the ship’s company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days
were called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I
have since learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees
in some parts of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.

After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the different
parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me
acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy practised
on board. He then demanded of the boatswain a hammock for me, which was
slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and, as I had no
bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the purser, for a mattress and
two blankets. At seven o’clock in the evening Morgan visited the sick,
and, having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted Thompson in
making up his prescriptions: but when I followed him with the medicines
into the sick berth, or hospital, and observed the situation of the
patients, I was much less surprised that people should die on board,
than that a sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty
miserable distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon
another, that not more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each
with his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well
as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the
morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies,
devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, and
destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that helpless
condition.




CHAPTER XXVI


A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my
office—Morgan’s nose is offended—a dialogue between him and the Ship’s
steward—upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than one—my
hair is cut off—Morgan’s cookery—the manner of sleeping on board—I am
waked in the night by a dreadful noise


Could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come
near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in
order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on
the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation; much less
could I conceive how my friend Thompson would be able to administer
clysters, that were ordered for some, in that situation; when I saw him
thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a
moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks of the sick, and,
forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one
shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I
desired he would give me leave to perform the next operation of that
kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and
crawling along, the ship happened to roll: this motion alarming me, I
laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp with such
violence, that I overturned it, and soon found, by the smell that
issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box of the most delicious
perfume. It was well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate,
else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which
diffused itself all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of
everybody who tarried on the same dock! neither was the consequence of
this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling only; for I felt my
misfortune more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear
altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up, and, pushing
my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle,
where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not
understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain
my advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up, as it
were, in a pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on
each side of my neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I
remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered
peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned
and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that, with
many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so
unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving my
condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with much
difficulty, disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from
taking vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would not have
screened him from the effects of my indignation.

After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to
the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a
homely proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended
half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having
intelligence by his nose of the approach of something extraordinary,
cried, “Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded
us in a stinkpot!” Then, directing his discourse to the steward, from
whence he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for
the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, and threatened to smoke
him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he should presume to offend his
neighbours with such smells for the future. The steward, conscious of
his own innocence, replied with some warmth, “I know of no smells but
those of your own making.” This repartee introduced a smart dialogue,
in which the Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the stench he
complained of did not flow from the steward’s own body, he was
nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the
ship’s company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of
which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then he
launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the
analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the
methods practised to make and preserve it, concluded in observing,
that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with
Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats
and putter.

I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present
pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr.
Thompson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first
mate, expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his
way through the cable-tier and the main hatchway, to avoid encountering
me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible: for he intended to
regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly, I set
about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more causes of
complaint than I at first imagined; for I perceived some guests had
honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not think seasonable:
neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, for they were in
possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the
expense of my blood. But, considering it would be easier to extirpate
the ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after
they should be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the
advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always
close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had
been growing since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate
lent me an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair
being ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my
circumstances would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and,
ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off
a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning
with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it to a
consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the dish, assured us it
was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended it to our
palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing honour to his
preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought
my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small-beer
to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having
smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended
with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning
began to admonish me that it was high time to repair by sleep the
injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which
being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived,
they proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our
hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the outside of the
berth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with
great agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie
concealed, very much at their ease. But it was some time before I could
prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the
ground, in a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on
the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking
my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking a
leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that had I
not luckily got hold of Thompson’s hammock, I should have pitched upon
my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull.

After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension
of the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of
sleep till towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was
overpowered with slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable
situation, being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I
thought the drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a
dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not
understand. While I was debating with myself, whether or not I should
wake my companion and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I
was informed by one of the quartermasters who passed by me with a
lantern in his hand, that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by
the boatswain’s mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I must
lay my account with such an interruption every morning at the same
hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I undressed myself again to
rest, and slept till eight o’clock, when rising, and breakfasting with
my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted
as before; after which visitation my good friend Thompson explained and
performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a
certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the
decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the
occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the mast,
where one of the doctor’s mates attended, with applications to dress
them.




CHAPTER XXVII


I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant for me,
and makes me a present of clothes—a battle between a Midshipman and
me—the Surgeon leaves the ship—the Captain comes on board with another
Surgeon—a dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—the sick are ordered
to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined—the consequences of
that order—a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of
the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and pummels without mercy


While I was busied with my friend in the practice. The doctor chanced
to pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me appeared
very well satisfied with my application; and afterwards sent for me to
his cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and
the particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so far in my
behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me,
seeing I had already been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for the
station I filled on board; and in this good office he the more
cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew to lieutenant
Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the meantime, I
could learn from his discourse that he did not intend to go to sea
again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently
used by him during the last voyage.

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not
altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the
rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known
by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan,
who, though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his
pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted
in recapitulating the favours I had received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me to
follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was
appointed surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had
procured by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another for
himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second-rate. I
acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could
suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so valuable
a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further, by
my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity rested not
here; for before he left the ship he made me a present of a chest and
some clothes that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised
me.

I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an
officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all
opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert
my resolution. My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name was Crampley),
entertaining an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had
suffered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of
reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad
usage; and, even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as
surgeon’s mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In
particular, being one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor’s
leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the
honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment, by
observing that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies
among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece
of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on
the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I was
not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very
serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master’s mates,
coming that way, interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, endeavoured
to promote a reconciliation; but, finding us both exasperated to the
uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to
leave our difference undecided, till we should have an opportunity of
terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper place
on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. The last expedient was
greedily embraced by us both; and, being forthwith conducted to the
ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a furious contest,
in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in
strength and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school
of Hockley-in-the-Hole at Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I
sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at last my breath
being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and
collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head,
hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three
paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching
upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion.
Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried,
“Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe
his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was
no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of
war.” So saying he descended to the deck below, to examine into the
situation of my adversary, and left me very little pleased with my
victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in
danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley; but this
fear vanished when my fellow-mate having, by bleeding him in the
jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the state of his
body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the midshipman had
received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as
one would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this information I
crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the affair,
who, providing himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion,
went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When
this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the
combat; and the Welshman, after observing, that, in all likelihood, the
ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me “praise Cot for
putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.” I
acquired such reputation by this rencontre, which lasted twenty
minutes, that everybody became more cautious in behaviour towards me;
though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and
threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the
honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no
merit.

About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on
board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who
soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of
Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming,
false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his
inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after
the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom, went to
wait on him with a sick list, which, when this grim commander had
perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood and cons! sixty-one
sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll have no sick in
my ship, by G—d.” The Welshman replied, “he should be very glad to find
no sick people on board: but, while it was otherwise, he did no more
than his duty in presenting him with a list.” “You and your list may be
d—n’d,” said the captain, throwing it at him; “I say, there shall be no
sick in this ship while I have the command of her.” Mr. Morgan, being
nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to be
directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and
not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The
bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was
enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, stamping with his
foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned
to the deck, if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the
blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted
by such a command, and began to manifest itself in, “Captain Oakum, I
am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you), and peradventure I
am moreover.” Here his harangue was broken off by the captain’s
steward, who, being Morgan’s countryman, hurried him out of the cabin
before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, and
this would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman
could hardly be hindered by his friend’s arguments and entreaties from
re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his
teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came down to the berth,
where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade us
leave off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by his sole word,
and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and
there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of
brandy sighed grievously three times, poured fort an ejaculation of
“Cot pless my heart, liver, and lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh
song with great earnestness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could not
conceive the meaning of this singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks
of Thompson, who at the same time shook his head, that he suspected
poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled. He, perceiving our amazement,
told us he would explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us take
notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower,
almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor mother’s
son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum had
done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them,
as I have already related it: and had no sooner finished this narration
than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to
the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither
to be reviewed.

This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be
impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger
of their lives: but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for
us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a
body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way,
that the captain was going to send to the other world a great many
evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the
captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at
these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board
but to eat the king’s provision, and encourage idleness in the
skulkers. The surgeon grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began
to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl to the place
appointed. The first who came under his cognizance was a poor fellow
just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much that he could
hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor’s name), having
felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; and
the captain delivered him over to the boatswain’s mate, with orders
that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for
counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the discipline could be
executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh perished
under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to be considered,
laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in his interval of
health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre
countenance and emaciated body; upon which he was declared fit for
duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but, being resolved to disgrace
the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The
third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and spitting of blood, for
which Doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump to promote
expectoration! but whether this was improper for one in his situation,
or that it was used to excess, I know not, but in less than
half-an-hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from
his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck,
being loaded with a monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his
chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being
interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he
was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest,
to go aloft immediately. It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to
allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain’s driver was commanded to
whip him up with the cat-and-nine-tails; the smart of this application
made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock
shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to
support than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he
quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea, where he must have been
drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved his life,
by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on board by a tackle.

It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every
miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the
captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their
fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and
rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave
up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were
ordered to their duties, languished a few days at work among their
fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the
number of the sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of
this reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had
done to their king and country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his
honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock, by direction
of the doctor’s mate, and that he begged hard to be released;
affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore
him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard. The
captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered
the man to be brought up immediately; upon which, Morgan protested with
great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare;
and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms
pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief.
This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient
was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with such
calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was inclined
to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to
appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his
behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his
own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was
confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared he had
pulled this patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had gotten down,
and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a
creature of Morgan’s, and suborned to give his testimony against him by
the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by
discovering to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan’s wife kept a
gin-shop in Ragfair. This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of
the Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said, “Ay, ay,
’tis no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant falsehood.” Captain Oakum,
without any farther hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at
the same time, threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him
for his spite; but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of
the madman, than he got up to the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson and
me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the devil with a
vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and
accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon as
he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, “I’ll let you
know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,” and pummel
him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his
patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty
that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among
those who opposed him.




CHAPTER XXVIII


The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his own
hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion
of the first Lieutenant and Surgeon—we set sail for St. Helen’s, join
the fleet under the command of Sir C— O—gle, and proceed for the West
Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack Rattlin has
his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard—the behaviour of Mr.
Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, in which he is
seconded by Morgan and me, we undertake the cure and perform it
successfully


The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment
he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him,
that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and
would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the
first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing that, in all
appearances, the fellow was not mad, but desperate; that he had been
hired by some enemy of the captain’s to him, and therefore ought to be
kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no
doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom (by which means important
discoveries might be made), and then sentence the criminal to a death
according to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as it was, had
the desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the
meridan of his intellects; more especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused
this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that the man
was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not
help discovering by his countenance the pleasure he enjoyed on this
occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor’s face with an embrocation,
ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or madmen
on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which
his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a
more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and, on our way to the
Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity,
while the sentinel attending him was at the head, to leap and frustrate
the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but took
the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where,
having received provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St.
Helen’s in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the
ever-memorable expedition of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of
being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of
every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and
under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost
intolerable; however, as these complaints were common to a great many
on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to
make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow. We got out
of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us
becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard: but this
state of inaction did not last long; for next night our maintop-sail
was split by the wind, which, in the morning, increased to a hurricane.
I was awakened by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the
gun carriages upon the decks above, the cracking of cabins, the howling
of the wind through the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship’s crew,
the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the
lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan who had never
been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, “Cot have
mercy and compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the confines
of Lucifer and the d—n’d!” while poor Thompson lay quaking in his
hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose and
joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with
brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before,
how must my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects of the
storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of
which our ship sometimes hung as if it were about to be precipitated to
the abyss below! Sometimes we sank between two waves that rose on each
side higher than our topmast-head, and threatened by dashing together
to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred
and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their
bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast of one of
them gave way, and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the
prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and
sailors ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks,
halloaing to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to
first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that
were split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to
furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent
and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into
innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with equal terror
and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock whereof
two sailors were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea, where they
perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the
expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his
assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the
violence of the fall through the skin; as this was a case of too great
consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor I went
down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up
dressings which we always kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment
without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him
on his knees before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but
this I will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to
common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by
representing Dr. Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome. Be this
as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by
his being disturbed in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the
subject of my suspicion from my sight.

After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the
situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit
him on deck, where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order
some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, “and in the
meantime,” said he, “I will direct Thompson to get ready the
dressings.” When I signified to the boatswain the doctor’s desire, he
swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from deck,
because he expected the mast would go by the board every minute. This
piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind;
however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance
of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane,
after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thompson, with a box
full of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of
capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the wound, and
concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that
mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately.
This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself
with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance, “What! is
there no remedy, doctor! must I be dock’d? can’t you splice it?”
“Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,” said the first mate, “with submission,
and deference, and veneration, to your superior apilities, and
opportunities, and stations, look you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and
aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor
man’s leg.” “God Almighty bless you, dear Welshman!” cried Rattlin,
“may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you’re bound, and come
to an anchor in the road of heaven at last!” Mackshane, very much
incensed at his mate’s differing in opinion from him, so openly,
answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to
him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At
the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast, avast! D—n my
heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr.
Random, won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd’s
heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack
Rattlin’s leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.”

This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my
honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in
delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first
mate’s opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin
was owing to an inflammation, occasioned by a contusion, and common in
all such cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene.
Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my
fellowship, and asked Thompson’s sentiments in the matter, in hopes of
strengthening our association with him too; but he, being of a meek
disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking
the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner espoused the
opinion of Mackshane, who by this time having consulted with himself,
determined to act in such a manner as to screen himself from censure,
and at the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in
contradicting him. With this view, he asked if we would undertake to
cure the leg at our peril: that is, be answerable for the consequence.
To this question, Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are
at the hands of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption in him to
undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than
the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered
his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our
direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a
favourable issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction.

I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, shaking
us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and, if he
died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering
himself with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to
manage it as we should think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part
of the splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture,
dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg
in a box, secundam artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish,
and we had the satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow’s
leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship’s
company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure,
which was completed in six weeks.




CHAPTER XXIX


Mackshane’s malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy—Morgan meets
with the same fate—Thompson is tampered with to turn evidence against
us—disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is
released to assist the Surgeon during an engagement with some French
ships-of-war—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy’s
shot, and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after the battle by
Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain, is overheard by the sentinel,
who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thompson grows desperate,
and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard
in the night


In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us
into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the
crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the
completion of his vengeance against the Welshman and me. He went among
the sick under pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view
of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but, finding himself
frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill we had procured from the
patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of
listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that
surrounded our berth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess,
who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we
were picking a large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir
on the outside of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be
the doctor, he tipped me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I
could perceive somebody standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone,
and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, “Whoever you are,
take that for your curiosity.” It had the desired effect, for we heard
the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin. I
applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most
unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that time, marking me out
for destruction.

About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the
sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the
master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck,
on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the
captain’s life. How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not
fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown to the worst of
criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching
heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the
space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor
examined touching the probability of the charge. I had no sooner
recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by
this accident, than I sent for Thompson, who, after condoling me on the
occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the
doctor, who had given an information against me to the captain, in
consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I
was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded
by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be
pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could
scarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner,
who, without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the
rings provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten him
on his back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau from his
side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that
should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner.
They were prepared to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the
quarter-deck called up to them to let him remain as he was. He then
crept towards me, and, taking me by the hand, bade me “put my trust in
Cot.” And looking at Thompson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale
visage; told him there were two more rings for his feet, and he should
be glad to find him in such good company. But it was not the intention
of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate: him he
expected to be his drudge in attending the sick and, if possible, his
evidence against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but,
finding his integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of
spite, that in a short time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation,
the admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made signal for our
ship and four more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an
engagement, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more
assistants than one obtained Morgan’s liberty, while I was let in this
deplorable posture to the chance of battle. It was almost dark when we
came up with the sternmost chase, which we hailed, and inquired who
they were. They gave us to understand they were French men-of-war, upon
which Captain Oakum commanded them to send their boat on board of him!
but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to
come on board of their ship: he then threatened to pour in a broadside
upon them, which they promised to retain. Both sides were as good as
their word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may
guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst
the terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder,
or dashed in pieces by the enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose
myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more
exposed than those who were stationed about me; but, when I beheld them
employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and encouraged by
the society and behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive a
wide difference between their condition and mine: however, I concealed
my agitation as well as I could till the head of the officer of marines
who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my
face, leaving me well nigh blinded with brains. I could contain myself
no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when
a drummer, coming towards me asked if I was wounded, and, before I
could answer, received a great shot in his belly, which tore out his
entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft
me of all discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the
noise of the battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all
patience, and became frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and
execrations, till my spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained quiet,
as insensible of the load that oppressed me.

The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding he
was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended
to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing the ship whom he
had fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards; and the
guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out,
and went on board the French commodore. Our loss amounted to ten
killed, and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. My
fellow-mates had no sooner despatched their business in the cock-pit,
than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan,
ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and
blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and, calling to
Thompson with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last
farewell of his comrade and countryman, who was posted to a better
place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment
him. “No,” said he, taking me by the hand, “you are going to a country
where there is more respect sown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where
you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing
upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thompson, alarmed at this
apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by
me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By
this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse
rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I
immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being
mortally wounded.

After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed,
and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them,
we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke
very freely of the author of our misery; but our discourse being
overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved
than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation,
according to the orders he had received. The effect of this information
soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan
in his former station, and gave the second mate a caution to keep a
strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in
our confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the whole slavery of
attending the sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane,
must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and,
though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on
the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life
altogether than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I
was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate
his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much
aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the
balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of
fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure redress,
which I hoped was not far off, considering that we should probably be
in a harbour in less than three days, where we should have an
opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral. The Welshman
joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to demonstrate that
it was every man’s duty as well as interest to resign himself to the
divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by
no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thompson
listened attentively to what he said, and at last, shedding a flood of
tears, shook his hand, and left us without making any reply. About
eleven at night he came to see us again with a settled gloom on his
countenance, and gave us to understand that he had undergone excessive
toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the
doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of
taking away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in
mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with
uncommon fervour, cried, “God bless you both!” and left us to wonder at
his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a
deep impression on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy young
man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone
overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case.




CHAPTER XXX


We lament the fate of our companion—the Captain offers Morgan his
liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought before him and
examined—Morgan is sent back into custody, whither also I am remanded
after a curious trial


The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, as
our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable
disposition the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted
his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who
was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not
discover the least symptom of concern for Thompson’s death, although he
must have been conscious to himself of having driven him by ill usage
to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain to set Morgan at
liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly one of the
corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested he would not be
released until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be
a tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion, to any
captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him obstinate, and fearing it
would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny much longer with
impunity, was willing to show some appearance of justice and therefore
ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck, where he
sat in state, with his cleric on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane
on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation:
“So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have
ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s arm, without either
judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d—n my
blood, I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make
defence.” “Captain Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer, “certainly it is in
your power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at your will, desire,
and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be
tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed.
So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and
mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely
in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who take
away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness, and parparity
(look you). In the mean time. I shall be glad to know the crimes laid
to my charge, and see the person who accuses me.” “That you shall,”
said the captain; “here, doctor, what have you to say?” Mackshane,
stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat,
and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus: “Doctor Mackshane, look
in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false
witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and me.”
The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as
near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be sure
what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it
appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you
deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair, for I tell
you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for
my own part, all that I have to allege is, that I have been informed
you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who, to be
sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king’s
service, without asparagement or acception of man, woman, or child.”

Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume
himself, Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and
understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but,
however, I do suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; or,
if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope
there is no treason in my words.” “But there’s mutiny, by G—d, and
that’s death by the articles of war!” cried Oakum: “In the meantime,
let the witnesses be called.” Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared,
and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the
purpose. The first declared, that Morgan as he descended the
cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and called him a savage
beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind.
“This,” said the clerk, “is a strong presumption of a design, formed
against the captain’s life. For why? It presupposes malice
aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.” “Right,” said the
captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney’s boy, “you
shall have law enough: here’s Cook and Littlejohn to it.” This evidence
was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say,
that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no
more brain than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our discourse on
the poop was examined, and informed the court that the Welshman assured
me, Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of
burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that
there was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former
suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; for,
because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce that the captain and
surgeon would d—n’d, unless he had intention to make away with them
before they could have time to repent? This sage explanation had great
weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, “What have you to say
to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back, brother, ha!” Morgan
was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely
denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting up
to him with a ferocious countenance, said, “So Mr. son of a bitch, you
confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and
pronounced my damnation? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you
brought to a court-martial and hang’d, you dog.” Here Mackshane, having
occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon
Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the
delinquent should make such submission as the nature of his
misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this
occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded
with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged
himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a peast, “but,” said
he, “I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we
signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox;
so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a
tiger; therefore I made use of these similes to express my sentiments
(look you), and what I said before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor
peast neither.”

Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he
ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement,
and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question
put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be
the north of Scotland. “The north of Ireland more like!” cried the
captain; “but we shall bring you up presently.” He then asked what
religion I professed; and when I answered “the Protestant,” swore I was
an arrant Roman as ever went to mass. “Come, come, clerk,” continued
he, “catechise him a little on this subject.” But before I relate the
particulars of the clerk’s inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform
the reader that our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not
shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. “You say, you are a
Protestant,” said the clerk; “make the sign of the cross with your
finger, so, and swear upon it to that affirmation.” When I was about to
perform the ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion, “No, no,
d—me! I’ll have no profanation neither. But go on with your
interrogations.” “Well then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many
sacraments are there?” To which I replied, “Two.” “What are they?” said
he. I answered, “Baptism and the Lord’s Supper.” “And so you would
explode confirmation and marriage altogether?” said Oakum. “I thought
this fellow was a rank Roman.” The clerk, though he was bred under an
attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he
endeavoured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys would not do
with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I
believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of real
presence with such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my
impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this
miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of
being a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with
Thompson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain
Oakum, which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of
our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thompson and me
whispering together, and could distinguish the words, “Oakum, rascal,
poison, pistol;” by which expressions it appeared, we did intend to use
sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That the death of
Thompson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the
stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or
fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered an
ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence. But
what established the truth of the whole was, a book in cyphers found
among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest,
after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption very near
positive proof, and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me
guilty. In my own defence, I alleged, that I had been dragged on board
at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the
evidence of some people now in the ship, consequently could have no
design of becoming spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely
out of the reach of any correspondence that could justly entail that
suspicion upon me. As for conspiring against my captain’s life, it
could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would harbour the
least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly
perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all
the inclination in the world. That, allowing the boy’s evidence to be
true (which I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive
could be gathered from a few incoherent words; neither was the fate of
Mr. Thompson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had
in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery, in a very
different manner from that which was supposed. With these words, I
produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to me the
very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me it was committed to
his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it
sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents,
which were these;

‘Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and
nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is
bent on your destruction as well as mine, that I am resolved to free
myself from this miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall be
no more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am
afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life; but, if you cannot
acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some regard for the memory
of an unfortunate young man who loved you. I recommend it to you, to
beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish all prosperity
to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to
be remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman,


‘William Thompson.’


This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage,
snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand
pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by
myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion,
although I insisted of having the remains of it compared with other
writings of Thompson, which they had in their possession; and I was
ordered to answer the last article of my accusation, namely, the book
of ciphers found among my papers. “That is easily done,” said I. “What
you are pleased to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek
characters, in which, for my amusement, I keep a diary of everything
remarkable that has occurred to my observation since the beginning of
the voyage, till the day in which I was put in irons; and the same
method was practised by Mr. Thompson, who copied mine.” “A very likely
story,” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was there for using Greek
characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote?
But what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so ignorant of
the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which
are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge
of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country.” So
saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish,
which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with
the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed,
“Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?” I could not help smiling at the
consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the
dispute to anybody on board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon
which Morgan was brought back, and, being made acquainted with the
affair, took the book, and read a whole page in English, without
hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The doctor was so
far from being out of countenance at this detection, that he affirmed
Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. Oakum
said, “Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story;” and dismissed my
fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I proposed that he and I should
read and translate, separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek
Testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the
surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince
the captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this
expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned person on board,
who understood Greek. Accordingly, the whole ship’s company, officers
and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed that, if
anyone of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend
the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men came
up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they said, they
acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the
Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal
book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither
read nor write; the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance,
but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and,
addressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous
corrupted language, which I did not understand. I asserted that the
modern Greek was as different from that spoken and written by the
ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time
of Hengist: and, as I had only learned the true original tongue, in
which Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity
wrote, it could not be supposed that I should know anything of an
imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and
scarce retained any traces of the old expression: but, if Doctor
Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek language, could
maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had
said, and be content to suffer any punishment be should think proper to
inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, knowing
one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was
answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which
they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the
other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea, from his
companion, before they would venture to assert such an intrepid
falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum, “we should discover the imposture
at last. Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement. I find he
must dangle.” Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a
court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against
truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my
fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up
his hands and eyes to Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not
daring to disburden his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be
overheard by the sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song, which he
accompanied with a thousand contortions of face and violent gestures of
body.




CHAPTER XXXI


I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two
of the evidences; in consequence of which I am set at liberty, and
prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same
terms—Mackshane’s malice—we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short
time we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India
squadron—we take in water, sail again, and arrive at
Carthagena—Reflections on our conduct there


Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one,
to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of
Mackshane’s dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection
coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in
sight of Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves
before a court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice and
ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so
effectually, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered to
return to our duty. This was a happy event for me, my whole body being
blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I
could scarce persuade the Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he
persisted in his obstinacy to remain in irons, until he should be
discharged by a court-martial, which, he believed would also do him
justice on his enemies. At length I represented to him the precarious
issue of a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and
flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his
own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England. This last
argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon
him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than
the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and
filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had
acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and of
penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that
the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of
stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his servant had
since plundered him.

The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we
detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my
fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his
brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler,
which he discharged on Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations,
threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn,
that he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when he
received them from his master with orders to deliver them to us. “As
Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and my salfation, and my witness;
whosoever has pilfered my provisions is a lousy, peggarly, rascally
knave! and by the soul of my grandsire, I will impeach, and accuse, and
indict him, of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.” Had this
misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the loss, in all
probability this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his wits
entirely; but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this
paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the
occasion.

A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth,
under pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, with
a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he
had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly
incensed at our behaviour; but he, the doctor, had passed his word for
our future conduct, and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent
of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from us for
this pretended piece of service, as well as a general amnesty of what
was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so apt to
forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that, if our deliverance
was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice;
I therefore sat silent, while my companion answered, “Ay, ay, ’tis no
matter, Cot knows the heart; there is a time for all things, as the
wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and to gather
them up.” He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in
a pet, muttering something about “Ingratitude,” and “Fellows,” of which
we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor
about a month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during which
time something of consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding
the insinuations of some, who affirmed we had no business at all in
that place; that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper
for our enterprise, the West India squadron, which had previous notice
of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola,
with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could have
sailed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves
in a good posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our
design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or
a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with
an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to
be lying near that place; but before we arrived, they had sailed for
Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an
account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength and
destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and
brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to
consult the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.

At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of
Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days
longer. Here, again, certain malicious people took occasion to blame
the conduct of their superiors, by saying, that in so doing they not
only unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious, considering the
approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the Spaniards to
recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the approach of an
English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in
that part of the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my
opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of
our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage that fortune might give
them even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and anchored
again somewhat nearer the harbour’s mouth, where we made shift to land
our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite of the enemy’s shot,
which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of conduct,
in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy’s fortification, which I
believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of
accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used
to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a
few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter for
censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an
important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at
home. But surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which
possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they
were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service, or the
colonel and the field officers of the old corps, who, generally
speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions, for some
domestic services rendered to the court, refused to embark in such a
dangerous and precarious undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they
are to be much commended.




CHAPTER XXXII


Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery—our ship is
ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca Chica—Mackshane’s
cowardice—the Chaplain’s frenzy—honest Rattlin loses one hand—his
heroism and reflections on the battle—Crampley’s behaviour to me during
the heat of the Fight


Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set
about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the
enemy; and in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open.
That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was
determined, in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should
attack the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened by two
mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the other.

Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was
hoisted, we being advertised, the night before, to make everything
clear for that purpose; and, in so doing, a difference happened between
Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane,
which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had
imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy’s shot in
the cockpit than in the centre of the earth, was lately informed that a
surgeon’s mate had been killed in that part of the ship by a
cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before the
disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a
platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded in the
after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above.
The captain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of
pusillanimity, and told him, there was no room in the hold for such an
occasion: or, if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more
than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for
that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his
demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the
captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy
poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply,
and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it. But, before any
such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor
compelled to trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were
busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.

Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed,
and in less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle of
Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading (which
indeed was dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself,
fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed
with us in quality of assistants, followed his example, while the
Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great
discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration. And
that the reader may know it was not a common occasion that alarmed us
thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that
astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four
great guns, besides a mortar and small arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six
in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two fascine batteries, and four
men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our
land-battery mounted with twenty-one cannon, two mortars, and
twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns,
that fired without intermission.

We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought
another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag
of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his
mouth without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the
condition of the wounded man, and cried out, “As I shall answer now,
the man is as dead as my great grandfather.” “Dead,” said his comrade;
“he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I’ll be d—d if he was not
alive when I took him up.” So saying, he was about to return to his
quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with him, and throw it
overboard. “D—n the body!” said he, “I think ’tis fair enough if I take
care of my own.” My fellow mate, snatching up the amputation knife,
pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying, “You lousy rascal,
is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the
golgotha, of the ship?”—but was stopped in his career by one calling,
“Yo he, avast there—scaldings!” “Scaldings!” answered Morgan; “Cot
knows ’tis hot enough indeed: who are you?” “Here’s one!” replied the
voice; and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack
Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he
was come to be docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand,
which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with
unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage,
observing, that every shot had its commission: “It was well it did not
take him in the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died
bravely, fighting for his king and country. Death was a debt which
every man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another
time.” I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this
sea-philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without
shrinking, the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after
Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the
deck, had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb.

While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of
the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we
should do no good: “For why? because, instead of dropping anchor close
under shore, where we should have to deal with one corner of Bocca
Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the
whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as
well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that, besides, we lay
at too great a distance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of
our shot did not take place; for there was scarce anybody on board who
understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! God help us!” continued he, “If
your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling, had been here, we should have had
other guess work.” By this time, our patients had increased to such a
number, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate
plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately and
perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral,
and make application for his warrant. This remonstrance effectually
roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument in which he thought
his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to
strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle
of rum, which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who
had as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being
thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down
without mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson’s
brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make him
quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and, besmearing his
body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck in
that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment,
endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but finding all he
said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, he
knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in
that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of rum to
elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and
cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer
in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.

While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot
happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course being
through the purser’s store room) made a terrible havoc and noise among
the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much,
that he dropped his scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced
his Pater-noster aloud: the purser fell backward, and lay without sense
or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one
hand could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him
in the surgeon’s cabin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand
extravagancies. Much about this time, my old antagonist, Crampley, came
down, with express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the
quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a
splinter: his reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of
service, being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way,
my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship’s
company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time,
perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to
pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my
compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more
afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view I provided
myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to the
quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke,
and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner
saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my armpits,
and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a
frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him that
Crampley had singled me out, as if by express command; at which reply
he seemed surprised, and threatened to punish the midshipman for his
presumption, after the engagement. In the meantime, I was sent back to
my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected
him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my commission to the
doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his
instructions; whereupon Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my
reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great
intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered
himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as
the service should be over.




CHAPTER XXXIII


A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, and
take the place without opposition—our sailors at the same time, become
masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take
possession of the harbour—the good consequence of this success—we move
nearer the town—find two forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up
with sunk vessels; which however we find means to clear—land our
soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the castle of
St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss—the remains of our
army are re-embarked—an effort of the Admiral to take the town—the
economy of our expedition described


Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all
ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement
was renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when
the enemy’s fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was
quite silenced. A breach being made on the other side, by our land
battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he could
find means to climb up to it, our general proposed to give the assault
that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that duty.
Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the
hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been
maintained by resolute men till the day of judgment against all the
force we could exert in the attack. And while our soldiers took
possession of the enemy’s ramparts without resistance, the same good
luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort
St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man-of-war; the
other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not fall
into our hands. The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the
Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and
occasioned great joy among us, as we laid our accounts at finding
little or no opposition from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships
had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion
and despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is
not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our
satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes
disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy’s distress, and gave
them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect
themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of this
general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so
effectually that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for
Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me
during the action. But of all the consequences of the victory, none was
more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five
weeks on the allowance of a purser’s quart per day for each man in the
Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily
fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste
of twenty-four hours; especially as our provision consisted of putrid
salt beef, to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt
pork, of New England, which, though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of
both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece
of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the
gill, that tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead of small
beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which
were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his
water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which
reason, this composition was by the sailors not ineptly styled
Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a
scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the
ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day
to each man: but this fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way
of penance on the ship’s company for their sins; or rather with a view
to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become
more resolute and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people
argue, who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision
and want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might
have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in
fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from
Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet!
seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place,
and those who survived were the more easily maintained. After all, a
sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where
they behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes,
run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their
valour.

But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the
forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece
of service that detained us more than a week), we ventured up to the
mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one
side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted
before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by
several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had sunk in the
channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage for some ships, that
favoured a second landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta,
not far from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of
Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a
design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and
commanded the city. Whether our renowned general had nobody in his army
who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted entirely to the
fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but, certain it is, a
resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with
musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly;
the enemy giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest part
of their detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot.

Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard’s,
was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army,
which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca
Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and
wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the
name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a
creditable title, seeing few of them could boast of their surgeon,
nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was so confined that the
miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their
wounds and stumps, being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction,
and millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their
sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons;
though it is well known that every great ship in the fleet could have
spared one at least for this duty, an expedient which would have been
more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience. But perhaps
our general was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind
from his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so
much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I
may venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with her
sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; and it might
be said of these great men (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as
of Cesar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other
was impatient of an equal; so that, between the pride of one and
insolence of another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the
proverb, “Between two stools the backside falls to the ground.” Not
that I would be thought to liken any public concern to that opprobrious
part of the human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst
use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its
disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the
capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a
joint-stool or a close-stool; but only to signify by this simile, the
mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two
instruments that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of
the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns,
and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter
the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the
night, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against which she
began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six hours exposed to the
opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which at length obliged
our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could in their
boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the
wits, either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge
it a stroke of policy above their comprehension. Some entertained such
an irreverent opinion of the admiral’s understanding, as to think he
expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen
guns: others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy’s
strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great
ships that would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But
this last conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of
any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third
sort swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking
than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth
class (and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed of
the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed this commander with want of
honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought to have sacrificed
private pique to the interest of his country; that, where the lives of
so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have
concurred with the general without being solicited or even desired,
towards their preservation and advantage, that, if his arguments could
not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have
rendered it as practicable as possible, without running extreme hazard;
that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by
ordering five or six large ships to batter the town, while the land
forces stormed the castle; by these means a considerable diversion
would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in their march to
the assault and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town than
from the castle! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously
attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted, and
confused, and in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. But
all these suggestions surely proceeded from ignorance or malevolence,
or else the admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his
return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so
upright and discerning. True it is, that those who undertook to
vindicate him on the spot, asserted, that there was not water enough
for our great ships near the town: though this was a little
unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet
perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who
affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie
abreast almost up to the very walls. The disappointments we suffered
occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by
the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the
prospect of what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much
longer in this place. Such was the economy in some ships that, rather
than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered
their men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast
or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcases floated in the
harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows, which
afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived. At the same time
the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain falls, from the
rising to the setting sun, without intermission, and that no sooner
ceases than it begins to thunder, and lighten with such continued
flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the
illumination.




CHAPTER XXXIV


An epidemic Fever rages among us—we abandon our Conquests—I am seized
with Distemper—write a Petition to the Captain, which is rejected—I am
in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley, and relieved
by a Serjeant—my Fever increases—the Chaplain wants to confess me—I
obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection for me proved—the
Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakum is removed
into another Ship with his beloved Doctor—our new Captain described—An
Adventure of Morgan


The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired,
with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own
constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to
introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence,
that three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable
manner; the colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of
the juices, changed into that of soot.

Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high
to relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after having rendered
their artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just
as we sailed from Bocca Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself
threatened with the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing
very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to
be in the cockpit, which by this time was grown intolerable, even to
people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of
decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, representing my
case, and humbly imploring his permission to be among the soldiers in
the middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have spared
myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and
ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s mates,
or else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the by, was three
degrees more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth below.
Another, in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate,
and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of perishing so
pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune: I
therefore, without minding Oakum’s injunction, prevailed upon the
soldiers (whose good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among
them; and actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation;
which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain
my contempt of his orders, and was invested with power to turn me down
again into my proper habitation.

This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author,
that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe
account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my
spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While I lay gasping for
breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a sergeant, the bones
of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, after they had been
demolished by a splinter during our last engagement; he, being informed
of my condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle deck,
which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that
remained open within it. I embraced this proposal with joy, and was
immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my
illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful
halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hencoop during the
whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding which
my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though
I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to
see, from my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who
died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a
great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to
another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all
medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease,
and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of
the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his
diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my mouth, ’tis true, but without
any intention of swallowing them: and, when he went away, spit them
out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. I seemingly complied in this
matter, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal
which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity, for
he acted as my physician; Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about
me, or even knowing where I was. When my distemper was at the height,
Morgan thought my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister
to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful
countenance, recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then, taking his
leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual
consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift to rid myself
of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my back.
The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my
complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of
his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with a dreadful
distemper, the issue of which no man knows. You may be permitted to
recover and live many days on the face of the earth; and, which is more
probable, you may be taken away, and cut off in the flower of your
youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great
change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot be a
greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which I conjure you to make
without hesitation or mental reservation; and, when I am convinced of
your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of
your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of
numberless transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing,
drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: tell me therefore, without
reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be
acquainted with the true state of your conscience; for no physician
will prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his
disease.”

As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling
at the chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured
more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending
auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to
salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined. This reply
disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his meaning, in
making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary and
what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I
professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference
of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but
that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed
great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a
presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government.
Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths;
to which questions, I replying in the negative, he held up his hands,
assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state
of reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in
the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.

(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg


This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as
the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began
to see strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being
delirious; in the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I
started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself
into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant was not present, would
certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a
moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my hammock: the
appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and
resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by
tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and
wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a
quarter of an hour, felt all the pains of hell: but it was not long
before I was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that,
bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours,
relieved me from all my complaints except that of weakness; and left me
as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I
was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness,
when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if
I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other, “God forbid he should be
otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to
disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Ay,” said my
fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not waken
till the great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his soul. He has paid his
debt like an honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all
persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I
know, he had his own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth
indeed!” So saying he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a
manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant,
alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and, while he looked upon
me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink: he immediately guessed my
meaning and remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my
being dead; whereupon he approached, with tears in his eyes, in order
to indulge his grief with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited
death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he
said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Cot help me!” and
observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong
struggle.

I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he
began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my
mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him
so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the
picture of horror; although I could not help laughing at his
appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my
hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making
in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far
as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease;
but when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated
me upon my good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the
blister he had applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the
bye, said he, must now be removed and dressed; he was actually going to
fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, said, “Bless me! sure
you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my back, I assure
you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and then
endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in
finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order to excuse
myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to
have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off
afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who,
on this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to
punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had
the benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered
strength every day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were
perfectly re-established.

When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with
a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a
disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word.
After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a fierce
countenance, pronounced, “Here’s fine discipline on-board, when such
lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed, on pretence of
sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard
duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me
so much that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his
pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I
had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my
passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his
insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore.
At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for
nothing more than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered
to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England;
and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient
for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a
gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to be
safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself being
insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun
and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane
along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander
came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella,
and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin
young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red
feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his
shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consisting
of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut
retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat
embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch
set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was
of the finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his
crimson velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk
stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from
shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles that flamed forth
rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked
with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his
side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the
most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and
white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an
intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious
ring on the little finger of each hand.

In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession
of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in
their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition;
and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to
affirm the climate of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My
fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found
an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; and,
remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare to speed,”
resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest immediately, before any
other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this view he
repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check
shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same
(neither of them very clean,) which, for his further misfortune,
happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into
this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with
a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap bordered with
lace about his head; and after several low congees began in this
manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the
presumption of one who has not the honour of being known to you, but
who is, nevertheless a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had
misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.”

Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started
up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having
recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying
disdain, curiosity and surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s
first mate on board of this ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most
vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased
to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my
pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I hope, will entitle me to
the vacancy of surgeon.” As he proceeded in his speech, he continued
advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted
with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried with
great emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow,
away with thee! Curse thee, fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to
death!” At the noise of his outcries, his servants ran into his
apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains! cut-throats! traitors!
I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away?
or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With these
interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his
valet-de-chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed
his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with
spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming
to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and,
according to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst
not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty.

I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to know
the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked with great
emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a
stinkard!” said I, with some surprise: “did anybody call you so?” “Cot
is my judge,” replied be, “Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all
the waters in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do
affirm and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my
plood, look you, that I have no smells apout me, but such as a
Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which is a
cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he is a son of a mountain
goat who says otherwise. As for my being a minister, let that be as it
is: I am as Cot was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more
than I shall ever aver of him who gave me that title; for I will
proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured,
and transmogrified, with affectation and whimseys; and that he is more
like a papoon than of the human race.”




CHAPTER XXXV


Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his surgeon
arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed is put up for
Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, which, with other parts of the
captains behaviour, gives the ship’s company a very unfavourable idea
of their commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the admiral, and
go on board of the Lizard sloop of war in quality of surgeon’s mate,
where I make myself known to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I
go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my return on
board, am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed
lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruise—take a prize in which I
arrive at Port Morant under the command of my messmate, with whom I
live in great harmony


He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a
message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with this
command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater from the
medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the
door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitered me at a distance with a
spy-glass. He, having consulted one sense in this manner, bade me
advance gradually, that his nose might have intelligence before it
could be much offended: I therefore approached with great caution and
success, and he was pleased to say, “Ay, this creature is tolerable.” I
found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head
supported by his valet-de-chambre, who from time to time applied a
smelling-bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said he in a squeaking tone,
“dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? May I
venture to submit my arm to him?” “Pon my word,” replied the valet, “I
do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing a small
quantite of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne
mine.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must venture.” Then,
addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes?
But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d—able lie,”
“Brutes, sir!” answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his
pulse, “I never meddle with brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?”
cried he, “dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad’s curse! my arm
is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I
perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to
come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper.” I craved pardon for
having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost care, and
tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was feeling
for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from
him, and, when I answered, “not above twelve ounces,” started up with a
look full of horror, and bade me be gone, swearing I had a design upon
his life. Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, opening a bureau,
took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a small cup; and
putting them into my hand, told me, the captain never lost above an
ounce and three drams at one time.

While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the
cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion with a
kind of languid smile on his face: which seemed to have been rendered
habitual by a long course of affectation. The captain no sooner
perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, “O,
my dear Simper, I am excessively disordered! I have been betrayed,
frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants, who suffered a
beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions
with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who by this time, I found, was
obliged to act for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of
softness and sympathy, and lamented with many tender expressions of
sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then,
feeling his patient’s pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his
opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of
tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to
him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits,
and composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to
prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack
posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the
officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side under
which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, and
indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to
the state room where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand in case of
accidents in the night. Next day, our commander being happily
recovered, gave orders that none of the lieutenants should appear upon
deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other
petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He also
prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own servants,
from coming into the great cabin without first sending in to obtain
leave. These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship’s company
in his favour: but, on the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be
very busy with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a
correspondence with his surgeon not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope of
revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the admiral’s
surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to the
quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity of
surgeons in the West Indies; that he was commanded to detain one mate
out of every great ship that was bound for England; and desired us to
agree between ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which of us
should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this proposal, and stared
at one another some time without speaking; at length the Welshman broke
silence, and offered to remain in the West Indies, provided the admiral
would give him a surgeon’s warrant immediately; but he was told there
was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the
station of mate, till he should be further provided for in due course.
Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the
commissioners of the navy had appointed him; and the other told him as
plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before
to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance.

When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in
England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour
my advancement in the navy, and the same time reflected on the present
dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the
climate, which every day almost reduced the number, I could not help
thinking my success would be much more certain and expeditious by my
staying where I was, than by returning to Europe. I therefore resolved
to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to
throw dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble himself, for I would
voluntarily submit to the admiral’s pleasure. This frank declaration
was commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the
worse with me for my resignation. Indeed he was as good as his word,
and that very afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon’s
mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, which put me on a footing with every
first mate in the service.

My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe
that lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty friend the
sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich
Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had
exchanged our sleeve buttons as remembrances of each other. Having
presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for
the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected him to be one of
those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round-house,
during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before. He received
me with a good deal of courtesy, and, when I put him in mind of our
former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and
recommended me to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and
master’s mate. As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got
leave to go ashore next day with the gunner, who recommended me to a
Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of forty per cent discount; and,
having furnished myself with the necessaries I wanted, returned on
board in the evening, and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist
Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was
shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that
subject to Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint
of some friends about the admiral, had procured a commission,
constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised me, now he
was my superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or
else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This
advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had
rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a
reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me
so inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection as
possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the
rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me
from the attempts of his malice.

In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered the
east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish
barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound for
Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy.
All the prisoners who were well, we put onshore on the north side of
the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen, and the command of
the barcolongo given to my friend the master’s mate, with orders to
carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizard’s
cruise should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same place
in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend the wounded
Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take
care of them on shore in a house that was to be hired as an hospital.
This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for
some time, be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy
against me had already broken out on two or three occasions since he
was become a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle,
both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with
the utmost civility and confidence: and, among other favours, made me a
present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with
the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy. We
arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched upon an empty
storehouse; which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were
brought to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of
the ship’s company appointed to attend them and obey me.




CHAPTER XXXVI


A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am extremely
happy—Crampley does me in offices with the Captain; but his malice is
defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the surgeon—we return to
Port Royal—our Captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is
succeeded by an old man—Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to sail
for England


When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander,
whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich
planter, with whom he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously
entertained, and in the evening set out on our return to the ship. When
we had walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind
us, who coming up, wished us good even, and asked which way we went?
His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my ear,
than in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up,
and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl
misinterpreting, bade me be under no concern. I told him he was
mistaken in the cause of my disorder; and, addressing myself to the
person on horseback said, “I could have sworn by your voice, that you
were a dear friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death.” To
this address, after some pause, he replied, “There are many voices as
well as faces that resemble one another; but, pray, what was your
friend’s name.” I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short
detail of the melancholy fate of Thompson, not without many sighs and
some tears. A silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the
conversation turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house
on the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much
earnestness that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him,
that we could not resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, what must
my amazement be, when I discovered by the light the very person of my
lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped
me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It was some time ere I
recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer
still before I could speak. So that all I was capable of was to return
his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; whilst
honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as either of us,
and signified his participation of our happiness by hugging us both,
and capering about the room like a madman. At length, I retrieved the
use of my tongue, and cried, “Is it possible! you can be my friend
Thompson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am now under the
deception of a dream!” He was at great pains to convince me of his
being the individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down
and compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from
the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land of the
living. This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drunk a glass of
punch, and recollected my spirits, by informing us, that with a
determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in
the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her way, from whence
he slipped down as softly as he could, by the bows into the sea, where,
after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation;
and, as he could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of
being taken up by some of the ships astern; that, in this situation, he
hailed a large vessel, and begged to be taken in, but was answered that
she was a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not choose to lose time
by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest overboard for his
convenience, and told him, that some of the ships astern would
certainly save him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of
him for the space of three hours, during which time he had the
mortification to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without
other support or resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded;
till at last he discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon
which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and
rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was hoisted out on
purpose.

“I was no sooner brought on board,” continued he, “than I fainted, and,
when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a most
noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first that I
was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and that all which
had passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, I understood that I
was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for
Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese, and that the
master’s name was Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at
first sight to be an old school-fellow of mine. When I discovered
myself to him, he was transported with surprise and joy, and begged to
know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to
disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion were very
severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him I fell
overboard by accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of
my disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined
purpose never to return to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not
of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes
and what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I
described the circumstances of the hellish life I led under the
tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other grievances,
hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my shipmates,
and the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his
sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside
all thought of rising in the navy; and, that he might show how much he
had my interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or
other, before he should leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my
heart’s desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom
I have lived ever since in quality of surgeon and overseer to his
plantations. He and his lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the
present, master of this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you
welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the
remaining part of the night.”

I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and
excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship;
however, he supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass,
set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from the place,
escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered to
conduct him. Never were two friends more happy in the conversation of
each other than we, for the time it lasted. I related to him the
particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had heard but
an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every
little incident of his life since we parted. He assured me, it was with
the utmost difficulty he could resist his inclination of coming down to
Port Royal, to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since
the day of our separation: but that he was restrained by the fear of
being detained as a deserter. He told me that, when he heard my voice
in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing him
afterwards: and, in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a passion
he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he
lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did
not disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her
parents; and did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match,
which would at once render him independent of the world. I
congratulated him on his good fortune, which he protested should never
make him forget his friends; and, towards morning, we betook ourselves
to rest.

Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him
at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his
leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles,
as a small token of his affection. In short, while he stayed here, we
saw one another every day, and generally ate at the same table, which
was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds of poultry, butcher’s
meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-apples, Madeira wine, and excellent
rum; so that this small interval of ten days was by far the most
agreeable period of my life.

At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for duty,
they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr.
Tomlins that there was a shyness between the lieutenant and him on my
account; the rancorous villain having taken the opportunity of my
absence to fill the captain’s ears with a thousand scandalous stories
to my prejudice; among other things affirming, that I had been once
transported for theft, and that when I was in the Thunder man-of-war, I
had been whipped for the same crime. The surgeon, on the other hand,
having heard my whole story from my own mouth, defended me strenuously,
and in the course of that good-natured office recounted all the
instances of Crampley’s malice against me while I remained on board of
that ship; which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my
innocence, made the lieutenant as much my defender’s enemy as mine. The
infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to
his former resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside
myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him
on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been
my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued against such a
desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame which
consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a more convenient
opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more
convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow’s slander, I begged
he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful escape I had made
him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the particulars of my
conduct, while he was my fellow-mate.

This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a
person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good
opinion of me, which he assured me was already firmly established. He
therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of
introduction from me; and being received with all the civility and
kindness I expected, returned to the ship, not only satisfied with my
character beyond the power of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed
with the affability and conversation of Thompson, who loaded him and me
with presents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As he would not
venture to come and see us on board, lest Cramplay should know and
detain him; when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave
to go and bid him farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting
friendship, he pressed upon me a purse, with four doubloons, which I
refused as long as I could without giving umbrage; and, having
cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a
small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins.
Knowing the superscription to be of Thompson’s handwriting, I opened it
with some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not content
with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my
use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen
waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread stockings. Being
thus provided with money and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I
began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt
my pride dilate a pace.

Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our
prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and
having purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at a sale,
made a swaggering figure for some days among the taverns, where I
ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles
in my pocket. Meanwhile our captain was promoted to a ship of twenty
guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man turned of fourscore,
who had been lieutenant since the reign of King William, and,
notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in that
station, had he not applied some prize-money he had lately received, to
make interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an
officer about the same time, after he had served in quality of a
midshipman and mate for five and twenty years. Soon after these
alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home dispatches
for the ministry; and we set sail for England, having first scrubbed
her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.




CHAPTER XXXVII


We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between the Captain and
the Surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley—the Captain
dies—Crampley tyrannises over the surgeon, who falls a Victim for his
Cruelty—I am also ill-used—the Ship strikes—the behaviour of Crampley
and the Seamen on that occasion—-I get on shore, challenge the Captain
to single combat—am treacherously knocked down, wounded, and robbed


Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I
felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal
island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans: and, as I was
accommodated with everything to make the passage agreeable, I resolved
to enjoy myself as much as the insolence of Crampley would permit. This
insidious slanderer had found means already to cause a misunderstanding
between the surgeon and captain, who, by his age and infirmities, was
rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition having also been soured
by a long course of disappointments. He had a particular aversion to
all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered unnecessary
animals on board of a ship; and, in consequence of these sentiments,
never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a
violent fit of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland
gin, which was his sovereign prescription against all distempers:
whether he was at this time too sparing, or took an overdose of his
cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night, without any ceremony,
which indeed was a thing he always despised, and was found stiff next
morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the
command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had no
cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new
commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of his
command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that the decks
were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon’s hencoops, with all his
fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at the same time prohibited him and
me from walking on the quarter-deck.

Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the
course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley
taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want
of air he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life,
after he had made his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate,
personal and real, to his sister, and left to me his watch and
instruments as memorials of his friendship. I was penetrated with grief
on this melancholy occasion; the more because there was nobody on board
to whom I could communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could receive the
least consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from discovering the
least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon’s death,
that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he
had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a
court-martial for mutiny; for which reason he would not suffer the
service of the dead to be read over his body before it was thrown
overboard.

Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the
brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome,
signified to my messmates a desire that I should be expelled from their
society. This was no sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and
I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the
passage, which, however, soon drew to a period.

We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain that,
by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he would order
the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the
ship’s way, for we were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and
therefore he would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead.
Accordingly we continued our course all that afternoon and night,
without shortening sail, although the gunner pretended to discover
Scilly light; and next morning protested in form against the captain’s
conduct, for which he was put in confinement, We discovered no land all
that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding;
but at three o’clock in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast
on a sand-bank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was
immediately hoisted out, but as we could not discern which way the
shore lay, we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime, the
wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such
violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner
was released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away the
mast, in order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without
success: the sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, according
to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers, dressed
themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without ceremony, and
drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued.

In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects, and
found the carpenter’s mate hewing down the purser’s cabin with his
hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I asked his
intention in so doing, he replied, very calmly, “I only want to taste
the purser’s rum, that’s all, master.” At that instant the purser
coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck, complained bitterly
of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what occasion he had
for liquor when, in all likelihood, he would be in eternity in a few
minutes. “All’s one for that,” said plunderer, “let us live while we
can.” “Miserable wretch that thou art!” cried the purser, “what must be
thy lot in another world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?”
“Why, hell, I suppose,” replied the other, with great deliberation,
while the purser fell on his knees, and begged of Heaven that we might
not all perish for the sake of Jonas.

During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on my
hanger, stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all my
valuable moveables about my person, and came upon deck with a
resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, when
the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles ahead. Crampley,
finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, determined to
consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which he had no sooner
done, than the ship’s company followed so fast, that she would have
sunk alongside, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope and
put off. But before this happened, I had made several attempts to get
in, and was always balked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding
me, that he did not mind the endeavours of any other body. Enraged at
this inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my
pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who
would presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full
exertion, and got on board of the boat with the loss of the skin of my
shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got
up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the
men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own
safety to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded,
and the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less
than an hour after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set my foot
on terra firma, my indignation, which had boiled so long within me,
broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single
combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice: he took
one without hesitation, and, before I could cock the other, fired in my
face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself stunned, and
imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged mine as quick as
possible, that I might not die unrevenged: then flying upon my
antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the butt-end of
the piece, and would certainly have made an end of him with that
instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass,
which he had given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing
him armed in this manner, I drew my hanger, and, having flung my pistol
at his head, closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my
weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear.
Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of
the ground made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some paces back:
I followed close, and with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of
his hand, Upon which his cutlass dropped, and he remained defenceless.
I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had
not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back
part of my head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable
situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the rapine
of an inhuman crew, I remained for some time; and whether any disputes
arose among them during the state of my annihilation, I cannot pretend
to determine; but in one particular they seemed to have been unanimous,
and acted with equal dexterity and dispatch; for when I recovered the
use of my understanding, I found myself alone in a desolate place,
stripped of my clothes, money, watch, buckles, and everything but my
shoes, stockings, breeches and shirt. What a discovery must this have
been to me, who, but an hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I
cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea
that did not swallow me up, the poniard of the enemy, which could not
find the way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that
miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to be still
where I was, and perish.




CHAPTER XXXVIII


I get up and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing,
through the fear of the country people—their inhumanity—I am succoured
by a reputed witch—her story—her advice—she recommends me as a valet to
a single lady, whose character she explains


But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my
situation in quite another light, from that in which it appeared to me
at first, and the result of my deliberation was to rise if I could, and
crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance. With some difficulty
I got upon my legs, and having examined my body, found I had received
no other injury than two large contused wounds, one on the fore and
another on the hinder part of my head, which seemed to be occasioned by
the same weapon, namely, the butt-end of a pistol. I looked towards the
sea, but could discern no remains of the ship; so that I concluded she
was gone to pieces, and that those who remained in her had perished:
but, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than
Crampley, observing that it was flood when he left her, and that she
would probably float at high water, made no noise about getting on
shore, but continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some
harbour, after her commander should have deserted her, for which piece
of service he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This
scheme he accordingly executed, and was promised great things by the
Admiralty for saving his Majesty’s ship: but I never heard he reaped
the fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course
towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a
seaman’s old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in
my clothes had thrown away: this was a very comfortable acquisition to
me, who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on; and, as my
natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out
afresh; so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, I was about to
lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my left hand,
within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to stagger, and finding
the door open, went in, but saw nobody; however, I threw myself upon a
truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other. I
had not lain here many minutes, when I saw a countryman come in with a
pitchfork in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into
the straw that concealed me, and in all probability would have done my
business, had I not uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in
vain to speak. This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started
back, and discovering a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling,
with the pitchfork extended before him, his hair bristling up, his eyes
staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open. At another time
I should have been much diverted by this figure, which preserved the
same attitude very near ten minutes, during which time I made many
unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my
tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans. At
length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in such a posture,
cried, “Mercy upon en! the leaad’s bewitched! why, Dick, beest thou
besayd thyself!” Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that
terrified him, replied, “O vather! vather! here be either the devil or
a dead mon: I doant know which o’en, but a groans woundily.” The
father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled out his spectacles,
and, having applied them to his nose reconnoitered me over his son’s
shoulder: but no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit
of shaking, even more violent than Dick’s, and, with a broken accent,
addressed me thus: “In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I
charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone to the Red Zen; but an you be
a moordered mon, speak, that you may have a Christom burial.”

As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he
repeated his conjuration to no purpose, and they continued a good while
in the agonies of fear. At length the father proposed that the son
should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of the apparition;
but Dick was of opinion that his father should advance first, he being
an old man past his labour and, if he received any mischief, the loss
would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be useful,
in his generation. This prudential reason had no effect upon the
senior, who still kept Dick between me and him. In the meantime I
endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but had only
strength sufficient to produce a rustling among the straw, which
discomposed the young peasant so much, that he sprang out at the door,
and overthrew his father in his flight. The old gentleman would not
spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards like a crab, with great
speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the
way. I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of perishing
through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my
spirits decay apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by
the two fugitives and with great intrepidity advanced to the place
where I lay, saying, “If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead
mon a can do us no harm.” When she saw my condition, she cried, “Here
be no devil, but in your en fool’s head. Here be a poor miserable
wretch bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of
burying him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put en
in, and carry en to goodman Hodge’s backdoor; he is more able than we
to pay out money upon poor vagrants.” Her advice was taken, and
immediately put in execution; I was rolled to the other farmer’s door,
where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung; and should certainly have
fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed the family,
and brought some of them out to view my situation. But Hodge resembled
the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be carried to
the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well as
to preach charity; observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his
quota towards the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish.
When I was set down at the vicar’s gate, he fell into a mighty passion,
and threatened to excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who
brought me, unless they would move me immediately to another place.
About this time I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and
afterwards understood that I was bandied from door to door through a
whole village, nobody having humanity enough to administer the least
relief to me, Until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by
the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house,
and, having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of
her own preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this
grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know
the particulars of my last disaster. This piece of satisfaction I could
not refuse to one who had saved my life, therefore related all my
adventures without exaggeration or reserve. She seemed surprised at the
vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage of my future
life from my past suffering, then launched out into the praise of
adversity, with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded she was
a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to
hear her story. She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and
smiling told me, there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary
in the course of her fortune; but, however, she would communicate it to
me, in consideration of the confidence I had reposed in her. “It is of
little consequence,” said she, “to tell the names of my parents, who
are dead many years ago; let it suffice to assure you, they were
wealthy, and had no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as
heiress to a considerable estate, and teased with addresses on that
account. Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman
of no fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army,
in which, at that time, he bore a lieutenant’s commission. I conceived
an affection for this amiable officer, which, in a short time,
increased to a violent passion, and without entering into minute
circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed one another
long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to
Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that we
should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his
pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation. This
discovery was made while I was abroad visiting, and just as I was about
to return home, I received a letter from my father, importing that,
since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as to marry a beggar,
without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his family as well
as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable
fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot
within his doors again. This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother,
who, in a postscript, gave me to understand that her sentiments were
exactly conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself
the trouble of making any applications, for her resolutions were
unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil fortune I called a coach, and
drove to my husband’s lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of
his letter. Though he could easily divine by my looks the issue of his
declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had received;
and with a smile full of tenderness, which I shall never forget,
embraced me, saying, “I believe the good lady your mother might have
spared herself the trouble of the last part of her postscript. Well, my
dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can
procure the command of a regiment.” This unconcerned behaviour, while
it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same time
endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested
views in espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife
of another officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my
husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted with us in
the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of
one another at the battle of the Wood.

“Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at
the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my
aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflection
came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in
danger of perishing by want; whereupon we made application for the
pension, and were put upon the list. Then, vowing eternal friendship,
sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired to this place (which
is in the county of Sussex) bought this little house, where we lived
many years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till it
pleased Heaven to call away my companion two years ago; since which
time I have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy
dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares.
In the meantime,” continued she, “I must inform you of the character I
bear among my neighbours. My conversation being different from that of
the inhabitants of the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in
curing distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here,
and lastly, my age having made the common people look upon me as
something preternatural, and I am actually, at this hour, believed to
be a witch. The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not
been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed
disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation of
this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among the
vulgar, who are also very much scandalised at my entertaining this poor
tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of my
deceased companion.”

The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive,
innocent, sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect for
her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as
I was in a condition to act for myself. She dissuaded me from a design
I had formed of travelling to Louder, in hopes of retrieving my clothes
and pay, by returning to my ship, which by this time I read in the
newspaper was safely arrived in the River Thames: “because,” said she,
“you run the hazard of being treated not only as a deserter in quitting
the sloop, but also as a mutineer, in assaulting your commanding
officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will moreover be exposed.”
She then promised to recommend me, as servant to a single lady of her
acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a
young foxhunter of great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided
I could bear with the disposition and manners of my mistress, which
were somewhat whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she
counselled me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would
effectually poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim, among most
people of condition, that no gentleman ought to be admitted into a
family as a domestic, lest he become lazy, and insolent. I was fain to
embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in
a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her footman,
having been represented by my hostess as a young man who was bred up to
the sea by his relations against his will, and had suffered shipwreck,
which had increased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he
rather chose to go to service on shore, than enter himself on board of
any other ship. Before I took possession of my new place, she gave me a
sketch of my mistress’s character, that I might know better how to
regulate my conduct.

“Your lady,” said she, “is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable
for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over the
country. Indeed, she is a perfect female virtuoso, and so eager after
the pursuit of knowledge that she neglects her person even to a degree
of sluttishness; this negligence, together with her contempt of the
male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by
these means he will probably keep her fortune, which is considerable in
the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way, which is
something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical
desires. Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited
parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room, bedchamber, and
study; she keeps a cook maid, a waiting-woman, and footman, of her own,
and seldom eats or converses with any of the family but her niece, who
is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt often to the prejudice
of her own health by sitting up with her whole nights together; for
your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the custom
of the world, and never sleeps nor eats like other people. Among other
odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes
the earth, air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom
it is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and
intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes one day
to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner heard
of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, as she has
since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was greatly mortified
to find herself disappointed in her expectation. Being by this
visionary turn of mind abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot
advert to the common occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently
so absent as to commit very strange mistakes and extravagancies, which
you will do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence shall
suggest.”




CHAPTER XXXIX


My Reception by that Lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—recount the
particulars of my last misfortune—acquire the good opinion of my
Mistress—an Account of the young Squire—I am made acquainted with more
particulars of Narcissa’s Situation—conceive a mortal hatred against
Sir Timothy—examine my Lady’s library and performances—her extravagant
behaviour


Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her
habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the presence of
my lady, who had not before seen me. She sat in her study, with one
foot on the ground, and the other upon a high stool at some distance
from her seat; her sandy locks hung down, in a disorder I cannot call
beautiful, from her head, which was deprived of its coif, for the
benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held the stump of a pen
in the other. Her forehead was high and wrinkled; her eyes were large,
gray, and prominent; her nose was long, and aquiline: her mouth of vast
capacity, her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peaked like a
shoemaker’s paring knife; her upper lip contained a large quantity of
plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had embroidered her neck,
that was not naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that
flowed loose about her with a negligence that was truly poetic,
discovering linen that was very fine, and, to all appearance, never
washed but in Castalian streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes,
quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus; her snuff-box stood
at her right hand: at her left hand lay her handkerchief, sufficiently
used, and a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her chair.
She being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think proper
to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, during which
time she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made many
wry faces, and, at length, with an air of triumph, repeated aloud:

“Nor dare th’immortal gods my rage oppose!”


Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the door, and
perceiving us, cried, “What’s the matter?” “Here’s the young man,”
replied my conductress, “whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to
your ladyship.” On this information she stared in my face for a
considerable time, and then asked my name, which I thought proper to
conceal under that of John Brown. After having surveyed me with a
curious eye, she broke out into, “O! ay, thou wast shipwrecked, I
remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a whale or a
dolphin?” To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any assistance.
Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and
swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative; upon which she
bade the maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the
articles of my duty: so she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose
with her cap, which lay on the table, instead of a handkerchief.

We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who
seemed to vie with each other in expressing their regard for me; and
from them I understood, that my business consisted in cleaning knives
and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, and
attending my lady when she went abroad. There was a very good suit of
livery in the house, which had belonged to my predecessor deceased, and
it fitted me exactly; so that there was no occasion for employing a
tailor on my account. I had not been long equipped in this manner, when
my lady’s bell rung; upon which, I ran up stairs, and found her
stalking about the room in her shift and under petticoat only; I would
immediately have retired as became me, but she bade me come in, and air
a clean shift for her; which operation I having performed with some
backwardness, she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I
verily believe was ignorant of my sex all that time, as being quite
absorbed in contemplation. About four o’clock in the afternoon I was
ordered to lay the cloth, and place two covers, which I understood were
for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though I was
not very dexterous at this work, I performed it pretty well for a
beginner, and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress
approach, accompanied by the young lady, whose name for the present
shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and
carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at
first sight, and while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without
intermission. Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall, her
shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell down upon her ivory neck in
ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same colour; her
eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of
cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy; her aspect noble,
ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so ravishingly delightful,
that it was impossible for any creature endued with sensibility, to see
without admiring, and admire without loving her to excess. I began to
curse the servile station that placed me so far beneath the regard of
this idol of my adoration! and yet I blessed my fate, that enabled me
to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection! When she spoke I
listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul was thrilled
with an extacy of tumultuous joy. I was even so happy as to be the
subject of their conversation; for Narcissa, having observed me, said
to her aunt, “I see your new footman is come.” Then addressing herself
to me, asked, with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had
been so cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied her in this; she
expressed a desire of knowing the other particulars of my fortune, both
before and since my being shipwrecked: hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had
counselled me) I told her that I had been bound apprentice to the
master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered
at sea; that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck when she went
down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my companions, after having
overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left me, as they
imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own defence. Then I
related the circumstances of being found in a barn, with the inhuman
treatment I met with from the country people and parson; the
description of which, I perceived, drew tears from the charming
creature’s eyes. When I had finished my recital, my mistress, said, “Ma
foi! le garçon est bien fait!” To which opinion Narcissa assented, with
a compliment to my understanding, in the same language, that flattered
my vanity extremely.

The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young squire,
whom my lady inquired after under the title of the Savage; and was
informed by her niece that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue
of last night’s debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo
a fox chase to-morrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket,
Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom
he had invited on that occasion! so that by daybreak the whole house
would be in an uproar. This was a very disagreeable piece of news to
the virtuoso, who protested she would stuff her ears with cotton when
she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more
sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of
the brutes.

When their dinner was over, I and my fellow servants sat down to ours
in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a
wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match
had been projected by her brother, who promised at the same time to
espouse Sir Timothy’s sister; by which means, as their fortunes were
pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for, and their
brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did not concur in the
scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person
allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This information begat
in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival,
and cursed in my heart for his presumption.

Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters
and hounds, I rose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my
competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem
brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa,
who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such qualifications as he
was master of, either as to person or mind. My mistress,
notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her nephew’s
company, that she did not rise till five o’clock in the afternoon; so
that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which
examination I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I found a
thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten,
twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim
inspired, she had begun, without constancy or capacity to bring to any
degree of composition: but, what was very extraordinary in a female
poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her
performances. I counted fragments of five tragedies, the titles of
which were “The Stern Philosopher,” “The Double,” “The Sacrilegious
Traitor,” “The Fall of Lucifer,” and “The Last Day.” From whence I
gathered, that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination
delighted with objects of horror. Her library was composed of the best
English historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the French critics
and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head
of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these,
translations of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or
Latin; a circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these languages.

After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at
the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the
maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with
the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually believed
herself a hare beset by the hunters, and begged a few greens to munch
for breakfast. When I expressed my surprise in this unaccountable
imagination she gave me to understand that her lady was very much
subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying herself an animal,
sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations
it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented
a beast; for that lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at
her, and scratched her face in a terrible manner: that some months ago,
she prophesied the general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would
be able to quench it but her water, which therefore she kept so long,
that her life was in danger, and she must needs have died of the
retention, had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by
kindling a bonfire under her chamber window and persuading her that the
house was in flames: upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them
bring all the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled for the
preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately discharged
the cause of her distemper. I was also informed that nothing
contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music, which was
always administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who played
perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she (the maid) was just
then going to intimate her aunt’s disorder.

She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady’s
chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hands on the floor, in
the manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her pursuers.
When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprang to the
other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook
for a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving her extreme
confusion, I retired, and on the staircase met the adorable Narcissa
coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress; she said
not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, went into her aunt’s
apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished with the efforts
of her skill. She accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and
melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprising change it produced
on the spirits of my mistress which composed to peace and sober
reflection.

About seven o’clock, the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes
and one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; and
when they were about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy
Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour the table with her presence;
but this request, notwithstanding her brother’s threats and entreaties,
she refused, on pretence of attending her aunt, who was indisposed; so
I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified: but this
disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself
with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured that,
after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, and
fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. My
duty being altogether detached from the squire and his family, I led a
pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts
of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my
contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I
became blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one
day enjoying this amiable creature, whose, affability greatly
encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.




CHAPTER XL


My mistress is surprised at my learning—communicates her performances
to me—I impart some of mine to her—am mortified at her faint
praise—Narcissa approves of my conduct—I gain an involuntary conquest
over the cookwench and dairymaid—their mutual resentment and
insinuations—the jealousy of their lovers


During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain
dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the
subject of my flame. But as it concerned me nearly to remain
undiscovered in my character and sentiments, I was under a necessity of
mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own perusal
and applause. In the meantime I strove to insinuate myself into the
good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by my diligence and
dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at least a favourite
servant; and frequently enjoyed the satisfaction of hearing myself
mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and
surprise by the dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had so
much of the gentleman in my appearance and discourse, that she could
not for her soul treat me like a common lacquey. My prudence and
modesty were not long proof against these bewitching compliments. One
day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a knotty
passage of Tasso’s Gierusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled them both:
after a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress, taking the
book out of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read the
sentence over and over without success; at length, despairing of
finding the author’s meaning, she turned to me, saying, “Come hither,
Bruno; let us see what fortune will do for us: I will interpret to thee
what goes before, and what follows this obscure paragraph, the
particular words of which I will also explain, that thou mayst, by
comparing one with another, guess the sense of that which perplexes
us.” I was too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my
talents; therefore, without hesitation, read and explained the whole of
that which had disconcerted them, to the utter astonishment of both.
Narcissa’s face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from
which I drew a favourable opinion, while her aunt, after having stared
at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, “In the name of
heaven who art thou?” I told her I had picked up a smattering of
Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation she shook
her head, and observed that no smatterer could read as I had done. She
then desired to know if I understood French. To which question I
answered in the affirmative. She asked if I was acquainted with the
Latin and Greek? I replied, “A little.” “Oho!” continued she, “and with
philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?” I owned I knew something of
each. Then she repeated her stare and interrogation. I began to repent
of my vanity, and in order to repair the fault I committed, said, it
was not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, for learning
was so cheap in my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but, I
hoped her Ladyship would think my understanding no exception to my
character. “No, no, God forbid.” But during the rest of the time they
sat at table, they behaved with remarkable reserve.

This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night
without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men,
which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their
own sober judgment. Next day, however, instead of profiting by this
self-condemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates of the
principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune had not
befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been
treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast my lady, who was
a true author, bade me follow her into the study, where she expressed
herself thus: “Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste;
therefore I am to desire your opinion of a small performance in poetry,
which I lately composed. You must know that I have planned a tragedy,
the subject of which shall be, the murder of a prince before the altar,
where he is busy at his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, the
regicide will harangue the people with the bloody dagger in his hand;
and I have already composed a speech, which, I think, will suit the
character extremely. Here it is.” Then, taking up a scrap of paper, she
read, with violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:—

“Thus have I sent the simple King to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell:
To me what are divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robberies, treasons, yield my soul delight,
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on the spear,
While the fond mother’s cries regale my ear.
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose.”


Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this
unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of
itself deserved immortal fame; and besought her ladyship to bless the
world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed
upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency, and encouraged by
the incense I had offered, communicated all her poetical works which I
applauded, one by one, with as little candour as I had shown at first.
Satiated with my flattery, which I hope my situation justified, she
could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn:
and, therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste,
observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way
myself, which she desired to see. This was temptation I could by no
means resist. I owned that while I was at college I wrote some detached
pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in love; and at her request
repeated the following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had
inspired:—

On Celia,

Playing on the harpsichord and singing.

When Sappho struck the quivering wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And when she raised the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm’d away.

But had the nymph possessed with these
Thy softer, chaster, power to please;
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;

The worm of grief had never preyed
On the forsaken love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn’d a hapless flame,
Nor dash’d on rocks her tender frame.


My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, she
said, was elegant enough, but, the subject beneath the pen of a true
poet. I was extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at
Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation; but she
declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge of these
matters; so that I was forced to retire very much balked in my
expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In the
afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa had
expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth, and
desired her to procure a copy of it as for herself, that she (Narcissa)
might have an opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an
extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a
fair copy of my Ode, which was carried to the dear charmer, together
with another on the same subject, as follows:—

Thy fatal shaft unerring move;
I bow before thine altar, Love!
I feel thou soft resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!

For while I gaze my bosom glows,
My blood in tides impetuous flows;
Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transports ’whelm my soul!

My faltering tongue attempts in vain
In soothing murmurs to complain;
My tongue some secret magic ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs.

Condemn’d to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpitied die!


Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from
her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me was henceforth
more reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a sphere
so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cookwench and
dairymaid, who became so jealous of each other that, if their
sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable one or other
of them would have had recourse to poison or steel to be avenged of her
rival; but, as their minds were happily adapted to their humble
station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding and fistcuffs, in
which exercise they were both well skilled. My good fortune did not
long remain a secret; for it was disclosed by the frequent broils of
these heroines, who kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman
and gardener, who paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his
respective choice, alarmed at my success, laid their heads together, in
order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former, having been
educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, undertook to challenge me
to single combat. He accordingly, with many opprobrious invectives,
bade me defiance, and offered to box me for twenty guineas. I told him
that, although I believed myself a match for him even at that work I
would not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight
like a porter; but if he had anything to say to me, I was his man at
blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or
needle; nay, I swore, that should he give his tongue any more saucy
liberties at my expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony.
This rhodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and resolute
tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some
confusion, sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his
reception.

The story, taking air among the servants, procured for me the title of
Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my
mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the
chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queens expressed their passion
by all the ways in their power: the cook entertained me with choice
bits, the dairymaid with strokings: the first would often encourage me
to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my courage and learning,
and observing, that if she had a husband like me, to maintain order and
keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money, by setting up an
eating-house in London for gentlemen’s servants on board wages. The
other courted my affection by showing her own importance, and telling
me that many a substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to
marry her, but she was resolved to please her eye, if she should plague
her heart. Then she would launch out into the praise of my proper
person, and say, she was sure I would make a good husband, for I was
very good-natured. I began to be uneasy at the importunities of these
inamoratas, whom, at another time perhaps, I might have pleased without
the disagreeable sauce of matrimony, but, at present, my whole soul was
engrossed by Narcissa; and I could not bear the thoughts of doing
anything derogatory to the passion I entertained for her.




CHAPTER XLI


Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued
by me, who revenge myself on my rival—I declare my passion, and retreat
to the seaside—am surrounded by smugglers, and carried to Boulogne—find
my Uncle Lieutenant Bowling in great distress, and relieve him—our
conversation


At certain intervals my ambition would revive; I would despise myself
for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve a hundred
schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I thought
myself entitled by birth and education. In these fruitless suggestions
time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained eight months in
the station of a footman, when an accident happened that put an end to
my servitude, and, for the present, banished all hopes of succeeding in
my love.

Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother
within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in
the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who, having a good
deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use some unbecoming
familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness of a field
through which they passed. The lovely creature was incensed at his rude
behaviour for which she reproached him in such a manner that he lost
all regard to decency, and actually offered violence to this pattern of
innocence and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to
be violated, and sent me, who, passing by accident near the place, was
alarmed with her cries, for her succour. What were the emotions of my
soul, when I beheld Narcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of
this satyr! I flew like lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me,
quitted his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My
indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear, so that, rushing
upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my cudgel so
successfully that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appearance,
without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and sitting
down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom,
while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My
soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling the object of my
dearest wishes within my arms; and, while she lay insensible, I could
not refrain from applying my cheeks to hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a
little time the blood began to revisit her face, she opened her
enchanting eyes, and, having recollected her late situation, said, with
a look full of tender acknowledgment, “Dear John, I am eternally
obliged to you!” So saying she made an effort to rise, in which I
assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the
way. I was a thousand times tempted by this opportunity to declare my
passion, but the dread of disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had
not moved a hundred paces from the scene of her distress, when I
perceived Sir Timothy rise and walk homeward—a circumstance which,
though it gave me some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby knew I had
not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment,
which I found myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I
considered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could
justify himself for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and
desiring his brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister,
without any fear of offence.

When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me she would exert all
her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and
likewise engage her aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out
her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service I had
done her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love to incur the
least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the present, by saying
I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished at
my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt the same suffusion, and, with
a downcast eye and broken accent, told her I had one request to make,
which, if her generosity would grant, I should think myself fully
recompensed, for an age of misery. She changed colour at this preamble,
and, with great confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would
hinder me from asking anything she was bound in honour to refuse, and
therefore bade me signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, and engaged
to kiss her hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it
out: I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing it with my tears,
cried, “Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, and love you to
distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than make
this declaration under such a servile appearance, were I not determined
to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching
presence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal silence.” With
these words I rose, and went away before she could recover her spirits
so far as to make any reply.

My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had
entertained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When
she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern,
condoled with me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to
leave the country, as being perfectly well acquainted with the
barbarous disposition of my rival, “who, by this time,” said she, “has
no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see how you
will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the commission,
he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and, as almost
all the people in this country are dependent on him or his friend, it
will be impossible for you to find shelter among them. If you should be
apprehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly in
great misery languish till the next assizes, and then be transported
for assaulting a magistrate.”

While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door,
which threw us both into great consternation, as in all probability, it
was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this generous old lady,
putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bade me, for
God’s sake, get out at the back-door and consult my safety as
Providence should direct me. There was no time for deliberation. I
followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night to the
seaside, where, while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a
sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and feet,
bade me make no noise on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of
a vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smuggling cutter. This
discovery gave me some satisfaction at first, because I concluded
myself safe from the resentment of Sir Timothy; but, when I found
myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a
spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for a year’s
imprisonment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me to protest
my innocence: I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary
walk to their haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and
I did not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my
retreat, because I was afraid they would have made their peace with
justice by surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What confirmed
their suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave
them chase, and had well nigh made a prize of their vessel; when they
were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually
screened them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne. But, before they
got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of war about me,
and some of the most ferocious among them would have thrown me
overboard as a traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies; but
others, more considerate, alleged, that if they put me to death, and
should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy from the
legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It
was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set
on shore in France, and left to find my way back to England, as I
should think proper, this being punishment sufficient for the bare
suspicion of a crime in itself not capital.

Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the
apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly at
ease. To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in consequence
of the aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings,
into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some
silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they might not be tempted
to make any further inquiry. This was a very necessary precaution, for,
when we came within sight of the French shore, one of the smugglers
told me, I must pay for my passage. To this declaration I replied, that
my passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they could not expect
a reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force.
“D—me!” said the outlaw, “none of your palaver; but let me see what
money you have got.” So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket
without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents; then, casting an
eye at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off,
clapping his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no
robbery. I was fain to put up with this bargain, which was by no means
favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on shore
together.

I resolved to take my leave of those desperadoes without much ceremony,
when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice if
ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered; for
which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted agents. I promised
to observe his advice, and departed for the Upper Town, where I
inquired for a cabaret, or public-house, into which I went, with an
intention of taking some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch
sailors sat at breakfast with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a
keg of brandy, the bung of which they often applied to their mouths
with great perseverance and satisfaction. At some distance from them I
perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive
solitary manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the
stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appearance of distress never
failed to attract my regard and compassion. I approached this forlorn
tar with a view to offer him my assistance, and, notwithstanding the
alteration of dress and disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him
my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor, Lieutenant Bowling!
Good Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of
finding again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in
such a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks; I stood
motionless and silent for some time. At length, recovering the use of
speech, I exclaimed, “Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!” My uncle no sooner
heard his name mentioned, than he started up, crying, with some
surprise, “Holla!” and, after having looked at me steadfastly, without
being able to recollect me, said, “Did you call me, brother,” I told
him I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him to
give me the hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he would by
no means consent to this proposal, saying, “Avast there, friend: none
of your tricks upon travellers;—if you have anything to say to me, do
it above board;—you need not be afraid of being overheard;—here are
none who understand our lingo.” Though I was loth to discover myself
before company, I could no longer refrain from telling him I was his
own nephew, Roderick Random. On this information, he considered me with
great earnestness and astonishment, and, recalling my features, which,
though enlarged, were not entirely altered since he had seen me, came
up, and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to
see me well. After some pause, he went on thus; “And yet, my lad, I am
sorry to see you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my
power, at present, to change them for the better, times being very hard
with me,” With these words I could perceive a tear trickle down his
furrowed cheek, which affected me so much that I wept bitterly.

Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted
me with observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect to
meet with all weathers; sometimes was calm, sometimes rough; that a
fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit one
way, and that despair signified nothing; that resolution and skill were
better than a stout vessel: for why? because they require no carpenter,
and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears,
which I assured him were not shed for my own distress, but for his, and
begged leave to accompany him into another room, where we could
converse more at our ease. There I recounted to him the ungenerous
usage I had met with from Potion; at which relation he started up,
stalked across the room three or four times in a great hurry, and,
grasping his cudgel, cried, “I would I were alongside of him—that’s
all—I would I were alongside of him!” I then gave him a detail of my
adventures and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have
imagined; and concluded with telling him that Captain Oakun was still
alive, and that he might return to England when he would to solicit his
affairs, without danger or molestation. He was wonderfully pleased with
this piece of information, of which, however, he said he could not at
present avail himself, for want of money to pay for his passage to
London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five guineas into his
hand, and telling him I thought myself extremely happy in having an
opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity. But it
was with the utmost difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of
two, which he affirmed were more than sufficient to defray the
necessary expense.

After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess
of something; “For,” said he, “it has been banyan day with me a great
while. You must know I was shipwrecked, five days ago, near a place
called Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking
below; and having but little money when I came ashore, it was soon
spent, because I let them have share and share while it lasted.
Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying, every hog his own
apple; for when they found my hold unstowed, they went all hands to
shooling and begging; and, because I would not take a spell at the same
duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke
bread these two days.” I was shocked at the extremity of his distress,
and ordered some bread, cheese, and wine, to be brought immediately, to
allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. When
he had recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know
the particulars of his peregrination since the accident at Cape
Tiberoon, which were briefly these: The money he had about him being
all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French
cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board one of
their king’s ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself from
starving on shore. In this situation he continued two years, during
which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the
reputation of a good seaman; the ship he belonged to was ordered home
to France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, and he was
received on board one of Monsieur D’Antin’s squadron, in quality of
quartermaster; which office he performed in a voyage to the West
Indies, where he engaged with our ship, as before related; but his
conscience upbraiding him for serving the one enemies of his country,
he quitted the ship at the same place where he first listed, and got to
Curacoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with a skipper, bound to
Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes
of hearing from his friends in England; but was cast away, as he
mentioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to
the necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and begging for his
subsistence on the road, or of entering on board of another French
man-of-war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence
had not sent me to his succour. “And now, my lad,” continued he, “I
think I shall steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt
of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by the Lords of the
Admiralty, to whom I intend to write a petition, setting forth my case;
if I succeed, I shall have wherewithal to give you some assistance,
because, when I left the ship, I had two years’ pay due to me,
therefore I desire to know whither you are bound: and besides, perhaps,
I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you
surgeon’s mate of the ship to which I shall belong—for the beadle of
the Admiralty is my good friend: and he and one of the under clerks are
sworn brothers, and that under clerk has a good deal to say with one of
the upper clerks, who is very well known to the under secretary, who,
upon his recommendation, I hope, will recommend my affair to the first
secretary; and he again will speak to one of the lords in my behalf; so
that you see I do not want friends to assist me on occasion. As for the
fellow Crampley, tho’f I know him not, I am sure he is neither seaman
nor officer, by what you have told me, or else he could never be so
much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the
coast of Sussex before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when
that accident happened, would he have left the ship until she had been
stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by
this time, I do suppose, he has been tried by a court-martial, and
executed for his cowardice and misconduct.”

I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle’s ladder, by
which he proposed to climb to the attention of the board of admiralty;
and, though I knew the world too well to confide in such dependence
myself, I would not discourage him with doubts, but asked if he had no
friend in London, who would advance a small sum of money to enable him
to appear as he ought, and make a small present to the under secretary,
who might possibly dispatch his business the sooner on that account. He
scratched his head, and after some recollection, replied, “Why, yes, I
believe Daniel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in Wapping, would not refuse
me such a small matter. I know I can have what credit I want for
lodging, liquor, and clothes; but as to money, I won’t be positive. Had
honest Block been living, I should not have been at loss.” I was
heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he
had such need of them, and looked upon my own situation as less
miserable than his, because I was better acquainted with the
selfishness and roguery of mankind, consequently less liable to
disappointment and imposition.




CHAPTER XLII


He takes his passage in a cutter for Deal—we are accosted by a Priest,
who proves to be a Scotchman—his profession on friendship—he is
affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by
submission—my uncle embarks—I am introduced by a Priest to a Capuchin,
in whose company I set out for Paris—the character of my fellow
traveller—on adventure on the road—I am shocked at his behaviour


When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we
found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr.
Bowling agreed for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about the
town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject
of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it be supposed
that my mind was at ease, when I found myself reduced almost to extreme
poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I had not one
acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of my
forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he
did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me; but besides the
other reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at
this time, as the worst country in the universe for a poor honest man
to live in; and therefore determined to remain in France, at all
events.

I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who, passing
by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in the
same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it might
be in his power to do us any service. We thanked this grave person for
his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, which he
did not think proper to refuse, and we went altogether into a tavern of
his recommending. After having drunk to our healths in a bumper of good
Burgundy, he began to inquire into our situation, particularly the
place of our nativity, which we no sooner named than he started up,
and, wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears,
crying, “I come from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my
own relations.” I was on my guard against his caresses, which I
suspected very much, when I remembered the adventure of the
money-dropper; but, without any appearance of diffidence, observed,
that, as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly
know our families, which (howsoever mean our present appearance might
be) were none of the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered
our names, to which I found he was no stranger; he had known my
grandfather personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty years
from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the
neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought
myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of our conversation, I
disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents to
such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and
assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I
could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all
in his power.

My uncle began to be jealous of the Priest’s insinuation, and very
abruptly declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he would
break off all connection and correspondence with me; for it was his
opinion, that no honest man would swerve from his principles in which
he was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father,
affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began a long
discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one’s
eyes against the light. He said, that ignorance would be no plea
towards justification, when we had opportunities of being better
informed; and, that, if the minds of people had not been open to
conviction, the Christian religion could not have been propagated in
the world, and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and
barbarity: he endeavoured to prove, by some texts of Scripture and many
quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was the successor of St.
Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the church of Rome was the true,
holy, catholic church; and that the Protestant faith was an impious
heresy and damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would
suffer everlasting perdition. When he had finished his sermon, which I
thought he pronounced with more zeal than discretion, he addressed
himself to my uncle, desired to know his objections to what had been
said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his
own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, “As for me,
friend, d’ye see, I have no objection to what you say; it may be either
truth or false, for what I know; I meddle with nobody’s affairs but my
own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the
saying is. I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man
as I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and the
Pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another.” This association
of persons gave great offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty
passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman, he would have
caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence; I ventured to disapprove
of my uncle’s rashness, and appeased the old gentleman, by assuring him
there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who, by this time sensible
of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for
the freedom he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he
invited us to come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which
he belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle
recommended it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my
forefathers, whatever advantages might propose to myself by a change,
which could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family.
I assured him no consideration would induce me to forfeit his
friendship and good opinion on that score; at which assurance he
discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we
immediately bespoke, and when it was ready, ate together.

I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest if properly
managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to
cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at his
convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with wine and
sweetmeats, and showed us everything that was remarkable in the
monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, though not
before I had promised to see him next day, and the time fixed for my
uncle’s embarking being come, I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw
him on board. We parted not without tears, after we had embraced and
wished one another all manner of prosperity: and he entreated me to
write to him often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at the sign of the
Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London.

I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night
in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and
endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the future; but
my invention failed me; I saw nothing but insurmountable difficulties
in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable prospect! That I
might not, however, neglect any probable reason, I got up in the
morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and assistance I
implored. He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand, that
there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not
fail of making a great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told him,
once for all, I was fully determined against any alteration in point of
religion; therefore if his proposal regarded the church, he might save
himself the trouble of explaining it. He shook his head and sighed,
saying, “Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled by your
stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and
consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal
soul. I can, by my interest procure your admission as a noviciate to
this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a truly
paternal affection.” Then he launched out into the praises of a
monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger
invades—where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, the grosser
appetite subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted to divine regions
of philosophy and truth, on the wing of studious contemplation. But his
eloquence was lost upon me, whom two considerations enabled to
withstand his temptation; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my
aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for as to the difference of
religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to come in
competition with a man’s fortune. Finding me immovable on this head, he
told me, he was more sorry than offended at my noncompliance, and still
ready to employ his good offices in my behalf. “The same erroneous
maxims,” said he, “that obstruct your promotion in the church, will
infallibly prevent your advancement in the army; but, if you can brook
the condition of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at
Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you
may be entertained by some one of them in quality of maitre d’hotel;
and I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a
better provision.” I embraced his offer with great eagerness, and he
appointed me to come back in the afternoon, when he would not only give
me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his
acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning in whose
company I might travel, without being at the expense of one livre
during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me infinite
pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent father in the
most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise to a tittle, in
delivering the letters, and making me acquainted with the capuchin,
with whom I departed next morning by break of day.

It was not long before I discovered my fellow traveller to be a merry
facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of
mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary,
and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or
St. Genevieve. He was a thick brawny young man, with red eyebrows, a
hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and his name was Frere
Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear linen, so that, having
little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest
animals in the world; and his constitution was naturally so strongly
scented that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of
him in our march. As he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared
sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much
alleviated by the good humour of my companion, who sang an infinite
number of catches on the subjects of love and wine. We took up our
lodging the first night at a peasant’s house not far from Abbeville,
where we were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our
landlord’s daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After having eaten
heartily and drank a sufficient quantity of small wine, we were
conducted to a barn, where we found a couple of carpets spread upon
clean straw for our reception. We had not lain in this situation above
half-an-hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon
which Balthazar got up, and let in our host’s two daughters, who wanted
to have some private conversation with him in the dark. When they had
whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I
was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my
bed to a pretty maid who had a tendre for me? I must own to my shame,
that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great
eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that the amiable
Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain did my reason suggest the
respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that
lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits;
and the young paysanne had no reason to complain of my remembrance.
Early in the morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose, which
lasted till eight o’clock when we got up, and were treated at breakfast
with chocolate and l’eau-de-vie by our paramours, of whom we took a
tender leave, after my companion had confessed and given them
absolution.

While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the
night’s adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I
liked my lodging; I declared my satisfaction, and talked in rapture of
the agreeable Nanette, at which he shook his head, and smiling said,
she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. “I never valued myself,”
continued he, “upon anything so much as the conquest of Nanette; and,
vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my amours.” This
information shocked me not a little, as I was well convinced of his
intimacy with her sister; and though I did not care to tax him with
downright incest, I professed my astonishment at his last night’s
choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his devotion. To this hint
he answered that, besides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had
another reason to distribute his favours equally between them, namely,
to preserve peace in the family, which could not otherwise be
maintained; that, moreover, Nanette had conceived an affection for me,
and he loved her too well to balk her inclination; more especially,
when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time. I
thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely
disgusted at his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw
me in his way. Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave
so wide of the character he assumed. I looked upon him as a person of
very little worth or honesty, and should even have kept a wary eye upon
my pocket, if I had thought he could have had any temptation to steal.
But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is
obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoy
all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow traveller
seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any
apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with great confidence,
in expectation of being soon at my journey’s end.




CHAPTER XLIII


We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin, who
escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in search of him, but without
Success—make my Condition known to several People, but find no
Relief—grow desperate—find a Company of Soldiers—Enlist in the Regiment
of Picardy—we are ordered into Germany—I find the Fatigues of the March
almost intolerable—Quarrel with my Comrade in a dispute about
Politics—he challenges me to the Field—wounds and disarms me


The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens,
where being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare and sour wine, and
were fain to be in a garret upon an old mattress, which, I believe had
been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas time out of
mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity; in less than a
minute we were attacked by stings innumerable, in spite of which,
however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively fatigued with our day’s
march, and did not wake till nine next morning, when, seeing myself
alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and, examining my pockets,
found my presaging fear too true! My companion had made free with my
cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I ran down stairs
immediately; and, with a look full of grief and amazement, inquired for
the mendicant, who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours
before, after having told them I was a little indisposed, and desired I
might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should wake, that he had
taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming, at the Coq
d’Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart directed my course to
that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting with
weariness and hunger; but learned to my utter confusion, that no such
person had been there! It was happy for me that I had a good deal of
resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions
against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes,
otherwise intolerable. Boiling with indignation, I discovered to the
host my deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bitterness
against the treachery of Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his
shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his countenance, said, he was
sorry for my misfortune, but there was no remedy like patience. At that
instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer his service,
leaving me mortified at his indifference, and fully persuaded that an
innkeeper is the same sordid animal all the world over.

While I stood in the porch forlorn and undetermined, venting
ejaculations of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old
priest who recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman richly
dressed, attended by a valet de chambre and two servants in livery,
arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness and
good-nature in his countenance; therefore he had no sooner alighted
than I accosted him, and, in a few words, explained my situation: he
listened with great politeness, and, when I made an end of my story,
said, “Well, monsieur, what would you have me to do?” I was effectually
abashed at this interrogation, which, I believe, no man of common sense
or generosity could make, and made no other compliment than a low bow:
he returned the compliment still lower, and tripped into an apartment,
while the landlord let me know that my standing there to interrupt
company gave offence, and might do him infinite prejudice. He had no
occasion to repeat his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately,
and was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a
torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstacy, I quitted
Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like
one distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged
to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs.
Here my rage forsook me: I began to feel the importunate cravings of
nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection. I
revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of and found them too few and
venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that Providence,
which, after having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left
me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one
friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last offices of
humanity to my miserable carcass. A thousand times I wished myself a
bear, that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far from the
inhospitable haunts of man, where I could live by my own talents,
independent of treacherous friends and supercilious scorn.

As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the
sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men and
women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked upon this
to be a favourable season for distress to attract compassion, when
every selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and
social joy; wherefore I got up, and approached those happy people, whom
I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, with their wives and
children, unbending and diverting themselves at this rate, after the
fatigue of a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of scarecrows
together, neither could I reconcile their meagre and gaunt looks, their
squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme
woe, with this appearance of festivity. I saluted them, however, and
was received with great politeness; after which they formed a ring, and
danced around me. This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits.
I was infected with their gaiety, and in spite of my dismal situation,
forgot my cares, and joined in their extravagance. When we had
recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread
their manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks
of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine: being
invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and, in
the whole course of my life, never made a more comfortable meal. When
our repast was ended, we got up again to dance, and, now that I found
myself refreshed I behaved to the admiration of everybody; I was loaded
with a thousand compliments and professions of friendship: the men
commended my person and agility, and the women were loud in the praise
of my bonne grace; the sergeant in particular expressed so much regard
for me, and described the pleasures of a soldier’s life to me with so
much art, that I began to listen to his proposal of enlisting me in the
service; and the more I considered my own condition, the more I was
convinced of the necessity I was under to come to a speedy
determination.

Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con I
signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy,
said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which this
commander belonged was quartered at a village not far off, whither we
marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed very
well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered
me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements. Then I
sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great pains to
learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete soldier.

It was not long before we received orders to join several more
regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order to
reinforce Mareschal Duc de Noailles, who was then encamped with his
army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the motions of the
English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command of the
Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I became
acquainted with that part of a soldier’s life to which I had been
hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger and thirst
I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred
miles; during which, I was so much chafed with the heat and motion of
my limbs, that in a very short time the inside of my thighs and legs
were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in the utmost torture. This
misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitution, which I cursed,
and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose bodies could
not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof
against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me
fretful, and my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my
pride in seeing those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind
would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those toils with
alacrity under which I was ready to sink.

One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had
gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at home with
me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his pity and
consolation! He told me that, though I was young and tender at present,
I should soon be seasoned to the service; and he did not doubt but I
should have the honour to contribute in some measure to the glory of
the king. “Have courage, therefore, my child,” said he, “and pray to
the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour
of serving Louis the Great, and of receiving many wounds, in helping to
establish his glory.” When I looked upon the contemptible object that
pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed
him; and could not help expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of
a rational who thinks himself highly honoured, in being permitted to
encounter abject poverty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and
evident death merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by
whom his sufferings were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown. I
observed that, if his situation were the consequence of compulsion, I
would praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot: if he had
taken up arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded
for his patriotism: or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge
from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience (though I
could have no notion of misery more extreme than he suffered); but to
put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory of his
prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate slave, who
voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and committed
the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous pride of a
fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from
the submission of such wretches as him. The soldier was very much
affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which, he said, nothing
but my ignorance could excuse: he affirmed that the characters of
princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned by the censure of
their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance to obey their
commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining; and
advised me to correct the rebellious principles I had imbibed among the
English, who, for their insolence to their kings, were notorious all
over the world, even to a proverb.

In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly
used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that
allegiance and protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual tie is
broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the people for
his breach of contract, and subject to the penalties of the law; and
that those insurrections of the English, which are branded with the
name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, were no other than
glorious efforts to rescue that independence which was their
birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The
Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name,
lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner that my temper
forsook me, I clenched my fist, with an intention to give him a hearty
box on the ear. Perceiving my design, he started back and demanded a
parley; upon which I checked my indignation, and he gave me to
understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; therefore, if I were
not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification,
and do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine, like a
gentleman. I took his advice and followed him to a field hard by, where
indeed I was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a
poor little shivering creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one
eye. But I soon found the folly of judging from appearances; being at
the second pass wounded in the sword hand, and immediately disarmed
with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no
less confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary
did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have been
expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting his king
and him. This proposal I would by no means comply with, but told him,
it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his circumstances
ought to propose, nor any in my situation ought to perform; and that,
if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim
satisfaction with my musket, when we should be more upon a par than
with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.




CHAPTER XLIV


In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence—we join
Mareschal Duc de Noailles, are engaged with the Allies of Dettingen,
and put to flight—the behaviour of the French soldiers on that
occasion—I industriously seek another combat with the old Gascon, and
vanquish him in my turn—our regiment is put into Winter Quarters at
Rheims, where I find my friend Strap—our Recognition—he supplies me
with Money, and procures my Discharge—we take a trip to Paris; from
whence, by the way of Flanders, we set out for London; where we safely
arrive


He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but
repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory with many
exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my
quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of no consequence.
The same day an Irish drummer, having heard of my misfortune, visited
me, and after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to
understand, that he was master of the sword, and would in a very short
time instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should be
able to chastise the old Gascon for his insolent boasting at my
expense. This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he
had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive was no
other than a jealousy he entertained of a correspondence between the
Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in
person. Be this as it will, I accepted his offer and practised his
lessons with such application, that I soon believed myself a match for
my conqueror. In the meantime we continued our march, and arrived at
the Camp of Mareschal Noailles the night before the battle at
Dettingen: notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment
was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under
the command of the Duc de Grammont, to take possession of a narrow
defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a
great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of
provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How
they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner it is not my
province to relate; I shall only observe that, when we had taken
possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in conversation with
another express a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the
reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman
was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part
of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation
of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost
danger; but Providence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by
disposing the Duc de Grammont to quit his advantageous post, pass the
defile, and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle on
the plain, and who handled us so roughly that, after having lost a
great number of men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled
with such precipitation that many hundreds perished in the river
through pure fear and confusion: for the enemy were so generous that
they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and, if our consternation
would have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and
deliberation. But, notwithstanding the royal clemency of the king of
Great Britain, who headed the allies in person, and, no doubt, put a
stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to five thousand men, among whom
were many officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for
the foe to Haynau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick
and wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of
the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with
humanity.

This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took
occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation
never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they
uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage. Every man (by
his own account) performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes of
antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his
cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him with their
darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with his face to
the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third assumed the character
of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay.
There was not a private soldier engaged who had not by the prowess of
his single arm demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse
to flight; and, among others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits
above those of Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained my
resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with him,
and, now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an opportunity to
retrieve my honour, I magnified the valour of the English with all the
hyperboles I could imagine, and described the pusillanimity of the
French in the same style, comparing them to hares flying before
greyhounds, or mice pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment
on the speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and
infirmities I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this
sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening disdain, bade me know myself
better, and remember the correction I had already received from him for
my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing a
wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by
a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He started up
with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great
fury. Several people interposed, but, when he informed them of its
being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the
battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having
only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and, seeing his
breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn, closed
with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having
thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which
demand he made no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears,
expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and
depressed the corners of his mouth in such a manner, that I could
scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I
might, however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over
my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was
not a tansy), that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the
soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.

There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies
during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the
English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached
to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter quarters in
Champagne. It was the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now
belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of
everything, my pay, which amounted to five sols a day, far from
supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to procure a
wretched subsistence to keep soul and body together; so that I was, by
hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my
fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to
two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago
converted into spatterdaches; and after all, I was better provided than
any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote
to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were not at
all sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained; and in the
meantime had recourse to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with
the flattering suggestions of a lively imagination, that never
abandoned me in my distress.

One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer, a
certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning,
to whom, at parting, I heard him say, “You may depend upon my good
offices.” This assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in
black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the individual
countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so much
astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance, and,
before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any notice
of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to accost
him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features
of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his
person, which was very much altered for the better since he left me at
London, neither could I conceive by which means he was enabled to
appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had
not even the ambition to aspire. But I was too much concerned in the
affair to neglect further information, and therefore took the first
opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the
marquis spoke. The Swiss told me his name was Monsieur d’Estrapes, that
he had been valet-de-chambre to an English gentleman lately deceased,
and that he was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to
his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship
had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of
intelligence, which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had
found means to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour since we
parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging,
according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good
fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I
concealed my name and business, and only desired the servant of the
house to tell Monsieur d’Estrapes that I begged the honour of
half-an-hour’s conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at
this message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier; though he
was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the
Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, but it was
not before I had waited a considerable time that he had resolution
enough to bid the servant show me up-stairs.

When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and
endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which
appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and
the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which
redoubled, when I told him in French, I had business for his private
ear and demanded a particular audience. The valet being withdrawn, I
asked in the same language if his name was d’Estrapes, to which he
answered with a faltering tongue, “The same, at your service.” “Are you
a Frenchman?” Said I. “I have not the honour of being a Frenchman
born,” replied he, “but I have an infinite veneration for the country.”
I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me, which he no
sooner did than, struck with my appearance, he started back, and cried
in English, “O Jesus!—sure it can’t! No ’tis impossible!” I smiled at
his interjections, saying, “I suppose you are too much of a gentleman
to own your friend in adversity.” When he heard me pronounce these
words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy,
hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a
great schoolboy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set
up his throat, crying, “O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to see
my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the
French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?—but I know the
reason—you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew
ashamed of my acquaintance. Ah! Lord help us! though I was a little
short-sighted, I was not altogether blind: and though I did not
complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was
indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows
whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I
forgive you, and may God forgive you! O Lord! Lord! is it come to
this?” I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could not
help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness that,
whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded, he might have chosen
a more convenient opportunity of introducing them; and that the
question now was whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any
assistance. “Disposed!” replied he with great emotion; “I thought you
had known me so well as to assure yourself without asking, that I, and
all that belongs to me, are at your command. In the meantime you shall
dine with me, and I will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be
displeasing unto you.” Then, wringing my hand, he said, “It makes my
heart bleed to see you in that garb!” I thanked him for his invitation,
which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten
a comfortable meal these seven months; but I had another request to
make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the
loan of a shirt; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger to
any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarised to the want
of it. He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at this
declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained it by
unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body—a circumstance which
shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a
chest of drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to me a very
fine ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, assuring me he had
three dozen of the same kind at my service.

I was ravished at this piece of good news and, having accommodated
myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer,
saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which
seldom fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and
bouilli, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in
the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy, after which
repast he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing every
circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London. This
request I complied with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and
relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that
day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly
affected, according to the various situations described. He stared with
surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with
pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes
of my life inspired these different passions; and, when my story was
ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and
hands and protesting that, though I was a young man, had suffered more
than all the blessed martyrs.

After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his
peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to
understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who, in
that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable
exercises to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during
which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own
countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such
excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consumption;
that by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier for the benefit
of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to
Rheims seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a
month, when he was seized with a looseness that carried him off in ten
days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him and especially of
Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and given such
satisfaction, that his master, on his death-bed recommended him to
several persons of distinction for his diligence, sobriety, and
affection, and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword,
rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the
value of three hundred pounds “which I now,” said he, “in the sight of
God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal: here are my keys;
take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession.” My
brain was almost turned by this sudden change of fortune, which I could
scarce believe real: however, I positively refused this extravagant
proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at
which hint he started, crying, “Odso! that’s true! we must procure your
discharge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me
that favour.”

We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur
d’Estrapes should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell him he
had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years
before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that
nobleman’s interest for his discharge. In the meantime, we enjoyed
ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in
concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky
as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for
life by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual
methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable, so that, after
much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we
parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other.
As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I
thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk
of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I
should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business
already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England, must
labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles
insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed in
my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter
nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked
and contemptible administration. Before I could form any feasible
project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blest with the image of the
dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand
as a reward for all my toils.

Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found
exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered his
apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words, with a smile
of self-applause: “Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a
fool’s head sometimes. I have hit it—I’ll hold you a button my plan is
better than yours, for all your learning. But you shall have the
preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let
us know the effects of your meditation; and then I will impart my own
simple excogitations.” I told him, that not one thought had occurred to
me which deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be
acquainted with the fruits of his reflection. “As we have not,” said
he, “money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it
is my opinion that a bold push must be made; and I see none so likely
to succeed as your appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is
your due), and making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can
render you independent at once. Nay, don’t stare—I affirm that this
scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw
yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would
stink you into a consumption in less than three months, neither would I
advise you to assume the character of a wealthy squire, as your common
fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into
matrimony, and instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was
promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband’s rapacious creditors,
and herself reduced to misery and despair. No, I know you have a soul
that disdains such imposition; and are master of qualifications, both
of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you
above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need not
be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not
there are plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to
Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out
for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in
quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a
servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing of
God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.”
Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure,
because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began
to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.

After breakfast, Monsieur d’Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the
marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a
discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had
time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of
fate, which to bear with moderation required some degree of philosophy
and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a detail of
the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an
instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe
consisted of five fashionable coats full mounted, two of which were
plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with
silver lace, two frocks, one of white drab, with large plate buttons,
the other of blue with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one
of blue satin, embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with
figured broad gold lace; one of black silk, with fringes; one of white
satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth
breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair
of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of
white cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d’Espagne, another with
silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain;
three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of
cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other
moveables, which I possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap,
were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond rings, two
mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut steel
inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of stone buckles
for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with rich
housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted
with gold, having the picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left
many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash
before I met with him; so that, over and above these particulars, our
stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred
pounds.

Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my
honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited
the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at
Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty
eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at
Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, opera, and
playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw everything
remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England by
the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and
took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at
Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London,
having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.




CHAPTER XLV


I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to sea—take Lodgings
at Charing Cross—go to the Play, where I meet with an adventure—Dine at
an ordinary—the Guests described—become acquainted with Medlar and
Doctor Wagtail


As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire for my
uncle at the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a little time,
with an account of Mr. Bowling’s having gone to sea, mate of a merchant
ship, after a long and unsuccessful application attendance at the
Admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he depended upon was not
sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him
when he quitted the Thunder.

Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing Cross; and
in the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut,
and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of
company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed with an
uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit
intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous
coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the
company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed by my
absurd behaviour into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered
and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my
watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing
again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might
have all opportunity of showing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with
perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and adjusted my
sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of
obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which I
found two considerable obstructions in my disposition—namely, a natural
reserve and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have entered into
conversation with the people around me: but I was restrained by the
fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that
I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them, than they
to such condescension from a stranger like me. How often did I redden
at the frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I
imagined were excited by me; and how often did I envy the happy
indifference of those choice spirits, who behold the distress of the
scene without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern.
My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help
weeping with the heroine of the stage, though I practised a great many
shifs to conceal this piece of unpolite weakness.

When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing
some lady to her coach; but everyone was attended by such a number of
officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my
expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature,
genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from
me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my service. She seemed to
be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender
look declined giving me the trouble: looking at her watch, and
testifying her surprise at the negligence of her footman whom she had
ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour. I repeated my
entreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and, in
the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made, to
send my servant for a chair or coach: accordingly, Strap was detached
for that purpose, and returned without success. By this time the
playhouse was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I led her
through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion
standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipped my charmer the
wink, and when we were passed, I heard a loud laugh. This note aroused
my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady’s
character, before I should have any nearer connection with her. As no
convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we
might stay a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the
Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern
with a stranger, but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances,
rather than endanger her health by remaining in a cold, damp
thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she
would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the greatest
aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and it was with much
difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly.

In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she
discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at
which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing look, that
seemed, however, too near akin to the lewd leer of a courtesan. This
discovery added to my former suspicion, while it put me upon my guard
against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain
her with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I
pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her
lodgings, a request which she, with many apologues, refused, lest it
should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be
fretted with trifles. This information, by which I was to understand
that her husband was a knight, did not check my addresses, which became
more and more importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a
kiss. But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour,
that her delicacy of complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with
the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which
had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors,
not only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into
loathing; and it would have been impossible for me to have preserved
common complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned with
a coach. I took the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand
to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her
charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little
reserve that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with
joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof against all her
endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my
leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house,
whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the
pleasure of my conversation for half-an-hour without interruption. I
told her there was no mortification I would not undergo, rather than
endanger the repose of her ladyship; and, bidding the coachman drive
on, wished her a good night. She lost all temper at my indifference,
and, stopping the coach, at the distance of about twenty yards from me,
popped out her head, and howled with the lungs of a fishwoman, “D—n
you, you dog, won’t you pay the coach-hire?” As I made no answer, she
held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me
pitifull fellow, scoundrel, and a hundred such appellations; concluding
with an oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no
money in my pocket.

Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered her coachman to
proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for
supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I dispensed
with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence that my own
servant was present, and, when we were alone, said to Strap, “Well,
Monsieur d’Estrapes, what d’ye think of this lady?” My friend, who had
not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other reply
than the monosyllable “Think!” which he pronounced with a note of fear
and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and,
perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his
grandfather’s ghost? “Ghost!” said he, “I am sure I have seen a devil
incarnate! Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and
Billingsgate could lurk under so much sweetness of countenance and
modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne
crede colori—but we ought to down on our knees, and bless God for
delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!” I was pretty
much of Strap’s opinion, and, though I did not believe myself in any
danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act
with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that
kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution.

My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance:
for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the
resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where my
appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could desire. As
there was an ordinary in the same house, I went upstairs to dinner with
the other guests, and found myself at a table with thirteen people, the
greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself. The
conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on
politics; and I soon found the whole company were in the French
interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted
everything that was advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty,
with a surliness truly English. But this trusty patriot, who had never
been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from
prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his antagonists, who were
superior to him in learning and experience, and often took the liberty
of travellers in asserting things which were not strictly true, because
they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him. The
claim of the Queen Of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was
fully explained and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me,
and, by the solemnity of his manner and the richness of his apparel,
seemed to be a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another
on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young
gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock, trimmed with
gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that contract;
and affirmed that he could not have observed it without injuring his
own glory. Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman’s
arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity which, I imagined,
must be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble education, and
accordingly rated him, in my conjecture, as a young prince on his
travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman, of a
very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of
Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the
honour of the French and disadvantages if the Allies, that I began to
entertain some doubts of my having been there in person, and took the
liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced. This freedom
introduced a dispute, which lasted a good while, to the mortification
of all present; and was at last referred to the determination of a
grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who, under a show of great
moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth, that
I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small
entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my
defence of a cause he had so often espoused without success.

My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great
deal of candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive, if
he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each particular.
“Indeed,” said he, “I am convinced that the previous steps considered,
things could not happen otherwise; for we generals who have seen
service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves, know by the least
sketch of the disposition what must be the event.” He then censured,
with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who
commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the ministry,
which he honoured with many invectives for employing people who had
neither experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers, who
had been distinguished for both; dropped many hints of his own
importance, and concluded with observing, that the French and Spaniards
knew better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which
are seen in the conquests they gain, and the discipline of their
troops, which are at the same time better clothed and paid than any
soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with
an opportunity of launching out in the praise of the French government
in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many
odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. Everybody,
almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave his
sanction, by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly the happiest
subjects in the world. I was so much astonished and confounded at their
infatuation and effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in
opposition to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put
up with the indignity that was offered to Old England, and therefore
with a satirical grin addressed himself to the general in these words:
“Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, She’s a villainous bird that
befouls her own nest. As for what those people who are foreigners say,
I don’t mind it; they know no better; but you who were bred and born,
and have got your bread, under the English government, should have more
regard to gratitude, as well as truth in censuring your native country.
If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have
their own reasons for so doing; and you ought to remember, that you
still live on the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen
(meaning the prince and ambassador), who make so free with our
constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might show a
little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to
blame in harbouring and protecting, and encouraging such ungrateful
vagrants as they are.” At these words, the chevalier in green started
up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger,
exclaimed, “Ah! foutre!” The Englishman on the other hand, grasping his
cane cried, “Don’t foutre me, sirrah, or by G—d I’ll knock you down.”
The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his
antagonist proceeded—“Lookey, Monsieur, you know very well that had you
dared to speak so freely of the administration of your own country in
Paris as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to
the Bastille without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a
dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my
word for it, although our constitution screens us from such oppression,
we want not laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse, and if
I hear another syllable out of your mouth in contempt or prejudice of
this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and
have you laid by the heels for your presumption.” This declaration had
an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young prince
became as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat
silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it seems, had felt the rod of
power, grew pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention
to affront any person or people. “Your principles, doctor,” resumed the
old gentleman, “are no secret—I have nothing to say upon that head; but
am very much surprised, that a man who despises us so much, should
notwithstanding live among us, when he has no visible motive for so
doing. Why don’t you take up your habitation in your beloved France,
where you may rail at England without censure?” To this remonstrance
the doctor thought proper to make no reply, and an unsocial silence
ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle
disputes, maintained very often through whim or diversion, should
create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense, and proposed
to drink down all animosity in another bottle.

This motion was applauded by the whole company. The wine was brought,
and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any man
for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference of
complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment was
returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved though more
general than before. Among other topics, the subject of war was
introduced, on which the general declaimed with great eloquence,
recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration. In the
course of his harangue he happened to mention the word epaulement, upon
which the testy gentleman asked the meaning, of that term. “I’ll tell
you what an epaulement is,” replied he, “I never saw an epaulement but
once, and that was at the siege of Namur. In a council of war, Monsieur
Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed that the place could not be
taken.” “Yes,” said the Prince of Vandemont, “it may be taken by an
epaulement.” “This was immediately put into execution, and in
twenty-four hours Mareschal Boufflers was fain to capitulate.” Here he
made a full stop, and the old gentleman repeated the question, “But
pray what is an epaulement?” To this interrogation the officer made no
immediate reply, but rang the bell, and called for the bill, which
being brought, he threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and,
telling the company he would show them an epaulement when his majesty
should think fit to entrust him with the command of our army abroad,
strutted away with great dignity. I could not imagine why he was so shy
of explaining one of the most simple terms of fortification, which I
forthwith described as a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or
fascines; but I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood
that his reserve proceeded from his ignorance.

Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my
fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to
understand, at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion,
both with respect to my principles and understanding. I thanked him for
his compliment, and, professing myself an utter stranger in this part
of the world, begged he would have the goodness to inform me of the
quality and characters of the people who dined above. This request was
a real favour to one of his disposition, which was no less
communicative than curious; he therefore complied with great
satisfaction, and told me, to my extreme astonishment, that the
supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres, and the
ambassador no other than a fiddler belonging to the opera. “The
doctor,” said he “is a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in
the character of an officer, and assumes the name of captain; but more
generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour of a physician, in which
capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of weak-minded people,
and by arguments no less specious than false, converts them from their
religion and allegiance. He has been in the hands of justice more than
once for such practices, but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with
so much craft, that hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment.
As for the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more to his
interest than his capacity; and, now that the eyes of the ministry are
opened, his friends dead or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the
list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension. In consequence of
this reduction, he is become malcontent, and inveighs against the
government in all companies, with so little discretion, that I am
surprised at the lenity of the administration, in overlooking his
insolence, but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his
weakness and want of importance. He has seen a little, and but a
little, service, and yet, if you will take his word to it, there has
not been a great action performed in the field since the Revolution, in
which he was not principally concerned. When a story is told of any
great general, he immediately matches it with one of himself, though he
is often unhappy in his invention, and commits such gross blunders in
the detail, that everybody is in pain for him. Caesar, Pompey, and
Alexander the Great, are continually in his mouth; and, as he reads a
good deal without any judgment to digest it, his ideas are confused,
and his harangues as unintelligible as infinite; for, if once he begin,
there is no chance of his leaving off speaking while one person remains
to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know, for putting a
stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has
uttered, and demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some
difficult term that he knows by name; this method will effectually put
him to silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I inquired about
an epaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of that
word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have quitted
the field first, or been worried with impertinence.”

Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover
his own, in questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to
return ambiguous answers. “I presume, Sir,” said he, “you have
travelled.” I answered, “Yes.” “I dare say you have found it very
expensive,” said he. I replied, “To be sure, one cannot travel without
money.” “That I know by experience,” said he, “for I myself take a trip
to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay sauce for what he
has on the road, as well in other countries as in this. That’s a pretty
stone in your ring—give me leave, sir—the French have attained to a
wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind. Why, now, this
looks almost as well as a diamond.” “Almost as well, Sir!” said I, “Why
not altogether? I am sure if you understand anything of jewels, you
must perceive, at first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and
that of a very fine water. Take it in your hand and examine it.” He did
so with some confusion, and returned it, saying, “I ask your pardon; I
see it is a true brilliant of immense value.” I imagined his respect to
me increased after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the
more, I told him, I would show him a seal of composition, engraved
after a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a
rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal
ring. He viewed each of them with great eagerness, handled the chain,
admired the chased case, and observed that the whole must have cost me
a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and replied in a careless
manner, “Some trifle of sixty or seventy guineas.” He stared in my face
for some time, and then asked if I was an Englishman? I answered in the
negative. “You are from Ireland then, Sir, I presume,” said he. I made
the same reply. “Oh! perhaps,” said he “you were born in one of our
settlements abroad.” I still answered No. He seemed very much
surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no
reply, but left him upon the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty. He
could not contain his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he
had taken and, to encourage me the more to disclose my situation,
displayed his own without reserve. “I am,” said he, “a single man, have
a considerable annuity, on which I live according to my inclination,
and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no
estate to leave behind, I am not troubled with the importunate
officiousness of relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the world
as made for me, not me for the world. It is my maxim, therefore, to
enjoy it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself.”

While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no
doubt, expected retaliation from me, a young man entered, dressed in
black velvet and an enormous tie-wig, with an air in which natural
levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, that on the
whole he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This ridiculous oddity
danced up to the table at which we sat, and, after a thousand grimaces,
asked my friend by the name of Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon
business. My companion put on a surly countenance, and replied “No
great business, doctor—but however—” “Oh! then,” cried the physician;
“I must beg your indulgence a little; pray pardon me, gentlemen.”
“Sir,” said he, addressing himself to me, “your most humble servant. I
hope you will forgive me, sir—I must beg the favour to sit—sir—sir—I
have something of consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar—sir, I
hope you will excuse my freedom in whispering, sir,” Before I had time
to give this complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, “I’ll
have no whispering—if you have anything to say to me, speak with an
audible voice.” The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this
exclamation, and, turning again to me, made a thousand apologies for
pretending to make a mystery of anything, a piece of caution which he
said was owing to his ignorance of my connection with Mr. Medlar; but
now he understood I was a friend, and would communicate what he had to
say in my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, in this
manner: “You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner at my Lady
Flareit’s (then addressing himself to me), a lady of quality, sir, at
whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes. There was Lady
Stately and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Giggler,
upon my word, a very good-natured young lady, with a very pretty
fortune sir. There was also my Lord Straddle. Sir John Shrug, and
Master Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman.
So, sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was the
last of fifteen patients (people of distinction, sir) whom I had
visited this forenoon, insisted upon my staying dinner, though upon my
word I protest I had no appetite; however, in compliance with her
ladyship’s request, sir, I sat down, and the conversation turning on
different subjects, among other things, Mr Chatter asked very earnestly
when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing
you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, sir, it was
nearly about that time; I won’t be positive as to a minute.” “No,” says
he, “then I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately after
dinner, and see what’s the matter with him, for he must certainly be
very bad from having eaten last night such a vast quantity of raw
oysters.” The crusty gentleman, who, from the solemnity of his
delivery, expected something extraordinary, no sooner heard his
conclusion, than he started up in a testy humour, crying, “Pshaw,
pshaw! D—n your oysters!” and walked away, after a short compliment of,
“Your servant sir,” to me. The doctor got up also, saying, “I vow and
protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed;” and followed Mr. Medlar
to the bar, which was hard by, where he was paying for his coffee:
there he whispered so loud that I could overhear, “Pray who is this
gentleman?” His friend replied hastily, “I might have known that before
now, if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,”—and walked off
very much disappointed. The ceremonious physician returned immediately
and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving me alone: and
giving me to understand that what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at
the bar, was an affair of the last importance, that would admit of no
delay. He then called for some coffee, and launched out into the
virtues of that berry, which, he said, in cold phlegmatic
constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and braced
the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly unknown to the ancients;
and derived its name from an Arabian word, which I might easily
perceive by the sound and termination. From this topic he transferred
his disquisitions to the verb drink, which he affirmed was improperly
applied to the taking of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, but
sip or sipple that liquor; that the genuine meaning of drinking is to
quench one’s thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing wine; that the
Latin word, which conveyed the same idea, was bibere or potare, and
that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they
were differently used on different occasions: for example—to drink a
vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of
liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other
hand, to use it moderately, was bibere and pinein;—that this was only a
conjecture of his, which, however, seemed to be supported by the word
bibulous, which is particularly applied to the pores of the skin, and
can only drink a very small quantity of the circumambient moisture, by
reason of the smallness of their diameters;—whereas, from the verb
poteein is derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river, or
vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned and
important investigation; and, to recommend myself the more to my new
acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I
observed that, what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance,
appear in the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto
and bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode of
his first Book.

“Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis—
—Et prœlo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam.”


That I had never heard of the verb _poteein_, but that _potamos,
potema_, and _potos_, were derived from _pino, poso, pepoka_, in
consequence of which, the Greek poets never use any other word for
festal drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words,

“Nestora d’ouk elathen iache _pinonta_ perempes.”


And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion always in every page.

“_Pinonti_ de oinon hedun.
Otan _pino_ ton oinon.
Opliz’ ego de _pino_.”


And in a thousand other places. The doctor who doubtless intended by
his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was infinitely
surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance; and after a
considerable pause cried, “Upon my word, you are in the right, sir—I
find I have not considered this affair with my usual accuracy.” Then,
accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was
maintained full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in that language;
and indeed he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced,
notwithstanding his whimsical appearance and attention to trifles, that
he was a man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked
upon me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in
learning, and proposed that very night, if I were not engaged, to
introduce me to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with
whom I had an appointment at the Bedford coffee house.




CHAPTER XLVI


Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentlemen with whom I spend the
Evening at a Tavern—our Conversation—the Characters of my new
Companions—the Doctor is roasted—our Issue of our Debauch


I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney
coach where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most
of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest
stood a group of them round the fire whom I immediately knew to be the
very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my
suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my protection. They no
sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail (for that was my companion’s
name) than they tittered and whispered one to another, and I was not a
little surprised to find that they were the gentlemen to whose
acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for, when he observed them
together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he
should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he
advanced with great gravity, saying, “Gentlemen, your most obedient
servant:—give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your
society.” Then, turning to me, “Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr.
Banter, sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir.” I
saluted each of then in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by
the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no
small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take
any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I afterwards
learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air,
features, and voice, while he returned my compliment: this feat I
should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the
same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But
for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question
or control, resolved however to chastise his insolence at a more
convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked
if I had been lately in France? and when I answered in the affirmative,
inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg Gallery? I told him I had
considered it more than once with great attention: upon this a
conversion ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter.

While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous
performance, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up
this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, “Upon my
word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman—a man of fortune, sir—he has
made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, air.” “What,
he told you so, I suppose?” said the other: “I take him to be neither
more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre.” “O barbarous,
barbarous!” cried the doctor; “this is actually, upon my word,
altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, sir; he
is of the Randoms of the north—a very ancient house sir, and a distant
relation of mine.” I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr.
Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company
in general; but, as I might possibly by their means acquire a more
extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear these little
mortifications as long as I could without injuring the dignity of my
character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays,
politics, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we
should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood,
whither we repaired in a body.

Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke
supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my
associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the
doctor was entertained as butt for the painter and player to exercise
their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the
game by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits,
and in digestion, for he was troubled with all these complaints to a
very great degree. Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature
of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon prognostics,
diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then
calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective
operations; ascribed the player’s malady to a disorder in these organs,
proceeding from hard drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a
course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking,
laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. “Pah, pah!” cried
Ranter, interrupting him, “the remedy is worse than the disease—I wish
I knew where to find some tinder water.” “Tinder water!” said the
doctor; “Upon my word, I don’t apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.” “Water
extracted from tinder,” replied the other, “a universal specific for
all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German
monk, who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to
Paracelsus.” “Pardon me,” cried the painter, “it was first used by
Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in his civil handwriting,
lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging
for potatoes—” “Well,” said Wagtail, “in all my vast reading, I never
met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this minute, that
Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.”

Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail
should make the least doubt of Solomon’s understanding Greek, when he
is represented to us as the wisest and best-educated prince in the
world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from
Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some knights of that country.
“I profess,” said the doctor, “there is nothing more likely. I would
actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be
inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would set about it
immediately.” The player assured him the process was very simple—that
he must cram a hundred-weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and,
distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a
scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. “Upon my
integrity!” exclaimed the incredulous doctor, “this is very amazing and
extraordinary! that a caput mortuum should yield any water at all. I
must own I have always been an enemy to specifics which I thought
inconsistent with the nature of the animal economy; but certainly the
authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall
find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of
tinder, the consumption of which must, undoubtedly, raise the price of
paper, or where shall I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a
mass?” Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him
as big as a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the vapour
by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for
feverish patients, who might be upon mattresses around and in contact
with it. He had he sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail
exclaimed in a rapture, “An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved!
I will positively put it in practice.”

This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the
company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments,
which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts.
Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out and
entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the
last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the
dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the
shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his
mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him: and soliciting his
company at the next occasion of that kind.

“No, d—mm,” said Bragwell, “I have something else to mind than dangling
after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides, you know my temper is so
unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is
concerned. The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom
Trippit.” “Oh! I remember that!” cried Banter; “You lugged out before
the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an
opportunity of showing your manhood without running any risk.” “Risk!”
said the other with a fierce countenance, “d—n my blood! I fear no
risks. I an’t afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head,
d—me! ’Tis well known that I have drawn blood more than once, and lost
some too; but what does that signify?” The player begged this champion
to employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he
wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such
an art the more naturally on the stage. “Die!” replied the hero: “No,
by G—! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex
jury—I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a
b—h, if he had not taught me to prick any of my antagonist’s body that
I please to disable.” “Oho!” cried Slyboot, “if that be the case, I
have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on
the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time
when the spear is thrust into his side. Now I should be glad if you
would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions,
without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking
a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will direct you where to
enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the left side as
possible.” Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it
would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the
thorax without hurting the heart, and in consequence killing the
patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice hand
and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about
the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with
death: that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to
Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which
might essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a miscarriage.
Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter’s waggery as the
doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very
great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to
fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind
were uttered; the wine circulated, supper was served in, we ate
heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and
troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed,
Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches, and
Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a wofull
countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length, it
was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the
constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.

While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the
room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was present,
he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at which message
the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a
look of extreme confusion, assured the company he could not possibly be
the person wanted, for he had no connection with any lady whatever, and
bade the drawer tell her so. “For shame!” cried Banter; “would you be
so impolite as to refuse a lady a hearing? perhaps she comes for a
consultation. It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady
to a tavern at this time of night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor’s
base-mains to the lady, and squire her hither.” The player immediately
staggered out, and returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall
strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We
received her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of
entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued,
during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the
doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her
melancholy fourfold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she
wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: “What! not one word of comfort?
Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not
all my affliction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me!
Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man? Hast thou no
honour—no conscience—no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me?
Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have recourse to
heaven or hell for my revenge?” If poor Wagtail was amazed before she
spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address! His natural
paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lip
trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be described, “Upon my
word, honour, and salvation, madam, you are actually mistaken in my
person. I have a most particular veneration for your sex, and, am
actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam;
besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour
of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!” “How, traitor!”
cried she, “dost thou disown me then? Mistaken! no, too well I know
that fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting
tongue! Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his
unkindness, to expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under
the specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking
advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and
afterwards abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months gone with
child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to
misery and want! Yes, thou barbarian,” said she, turning to Wagtail,
“thou tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation. But I
will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a
monster.” So saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with
incredible agility, jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell,
while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine.
Although everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I could
easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce
diversion at the doctor’s expense, and being under no concern about the
consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress
of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection of the
company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge
as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time, that nature had
not put it in his power to be guilty of such a trespass. “Nature!”
cried the lady, “there was no nature in the case; he abused me by the
help of charms and spells; else how is it possible that any woman could
have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish
eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that
mouth, like a horse-shoe, to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to
your philtres, to your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural
talents, which are, in every respect, mean and contemptible.”

The doctor thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself
effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but for
half-an-hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing
in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance
and superstition. He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse
upon the nature of ideas, the power and independence of the mind, the
properties of stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness
to venery, which many simples would create, and a passion limited to
one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection; and
concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness
in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had never
injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were,
in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes that an innocent
person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner
finished his harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her
lamentations, and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which,
she said, was able to bias the most impartial bench in Christendom.
Ranter advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to
save his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that
purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for the
child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter promised
to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship him for his
generosity, and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence,
condescended to everything rather than his unblemished character should
be called into question. The lady rejected the proposal, and insisted
on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and
undertook to rid him of her importunity for half-a-guinea; upon which
Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse, and put it into
the hand of his friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to
the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for her good fortune. When she
had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the
physician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting
kiss; this he was prevailed upon to grant with great reluctance, and
went up with his usual solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of
his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish,
to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper to
release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and quitted the
room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account
of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence of the bite; for,
by this time, he was convinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the
actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to
sear the place. The player was of opinion that Bragwell should scoop
out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter
prevented both these dreadful operations by recommending a balsam he
had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog; so
saying, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which he
instantly anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the
patient’s face, and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the
poor creature was so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him
extremely, and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of
everybody present.

This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his
displeasure by swearing a few threats, without making any application;
which, being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view of
promoting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me
very ill, but every man was the best judge of his own affairs. I
answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use
me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of his counsel in
regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought proper to ask a
thousand pardons, and assure me he meant no offence; while Bragwell
feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of
what passed. But the player, who had more animal spirits and less
discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest where he had
dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell and told him softly that I had called
him names, and threatened to cudgel him. This particular I understood
by his starting, up and crying, “Blood and wounds, you lie! No man
durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. Random, did you call me names, and
threaten to drub me?” I denied the imputation, and proposed to punish
the scoundrel who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company.
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same,
and accosted the actor in these words: “Lookee, Mr. Ranter; I know you
possess all the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I
have observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on
me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness
also; therefore, I desire you leap over this sword without hesitation.”
So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of about
three feet from the floor, and called, “Once-twice-thrice—and away!”
but, instead of complying with my demand, he snatched his hat and
hanger, and, assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst
out into the following exclamation, “Ha! must I then perform inglorious
prank of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep,
abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in fury’s lap—Have we not
Hiren here?” This buffoonery did not answer his expectation, for, by
this time, the company was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr.
Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might
have the better opportunity of exerting himself. The painter told him,
if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to the
proprietors of Sadler’s Wells; and Bragwell crying, “Leap for the
King!” applied the point of his sword to the player’s posteriors with
such success, that he sprang over in a trice, and, finding the door
unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his
share of the reckoning so easily.

It being now near two o’clock in the morning, we discharged the bill,
and sallied out into the street. The painter slunk away without taking
his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a
bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King’s
coffee-house, where after he had kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we
left him asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards
Charing-cross, near which place both he and I lodged.

The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he
honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions, of
friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him I
thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the
unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight. He was
surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself; upon
which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in the
coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring
me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and
what he said was only intended as a joke on the doctor’s solemnity. I
was highly pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a
little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand
at parting, and promised to meet me the next day at the ordinary.




CHAPTER XLVII


Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler’s
Widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to the Opera—admire
Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to the Assembly at Hampstead—dance
with that young lady—receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose
mettle is soon cooled—am in favour with my Mistress, whom I visit next
day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap triumphs at
my success, but is astonished at my expense—Banter comes to my lodging,
is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows five guineas from me, as a
proof of his friendship


In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and,
finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his
eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper upon his
face gave me to understand he had something to communicate. “By your
countenance,” said I, “I expect to hear good tidings.” “Indifferently,”
replied he, tittering, “that is, hereafter as it shall be. You must
know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.” “What!” cried I,
astonished, “a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the
heels of me at last.” “N—no less, I assure you,” said he, bursting into
a laugh of self-approbation: “a tallow chandler’s widow that lives hard
by, has taken a liking to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a
partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good
deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of
mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking
clout. But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion
of the matter.” I congratulated Monsieur d’Estrapes upon his conquest,
and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those
circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and
give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be
brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without my
consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at
breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a short
thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular
prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some
suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her
with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good qualities of
Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and
virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and
returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a
luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared
my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised,
telling me he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his
friend that she was only livergrown and would in few months be as small
in the waist as ever. “Yes,” said I, “a few weeks, I believe, will do
the business. In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are
egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a
rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at
once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother and the
expense of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust
implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent
with his behaviour, nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that
you may afterwards wish exchanged for the hangman’s.” He seemed very
much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he
leaped; saying, with some heat, “Odds, if I find his intention is to
betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.” My prediction
was verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an
infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this
happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my
penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after an
execution was issued against her goods and household furniture, which
were seized by the creditors.

Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening
went to the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in
one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the
same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds.
This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and I
discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he
assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had any
influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke to her some
minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me, to
my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had
promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter in a whisper,
gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would
grant the same favour to any young fellow in England of a tolerable
appearance, merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that
she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase; that she was
of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and
so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager the wealthiest fool
would carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this intelligence
to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself
suffered a rebuff from the lady in question, and, at any rate, trusted
so much to my own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist
the ardour of my addresses.

Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with Billy
Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very
brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with
Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of
behaviour. Before the country dances began, I received a message by a
person I did not know from Bragwell, who was present, importing that
nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he was there
in person, that I would do well to relinquish her without noise,
because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. This
extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady’s hearing,
did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was pretty well
acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the
least symptom of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that
since I was so happy as to obtain the lady’s consent, I should not be
solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself to bring me no
such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, affected a sort of
confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give
himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of
connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display
my valour, and offered to call him to an account for his insolence, a
proposal which she absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my
safety; though I could perceive, by the sparkling of her eyes, that she
would not have thought herself affronted by being the subject of a
duel. I was by no means pleased with this discovery of her thoughts,
which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the
most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and
resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a public
quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never
drive matters to a dangerous extremity.

While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end
of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he talked with
great vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time to time. I
guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I had handed my
partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and,
cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had anything to say
to me. He answered with a sullen tone, “Nothing, at present, sir;” and
turned about upon his heel. “Well,” said I, “you know where I am to be
found at any time.” His companions stared at one another, and I
returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and
immediately a whisper ran through the whole room; after which so many
eyes were turned upon me that I was ready to sink with confusion. When
the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French
gallant, would have got up behind it, in order to protect her from
violence on the road, but she absolutely refused my offer, and
expressed her concern that there was not an empty seat for me within
the vehicle.

Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by
permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by
her mother, with whom she lived. There were a good many fashionable
people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea, a
couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour to
play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made shift to plunder
me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a little money
with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity in the meantime to
say soft things, which are still most welcome when attended with good
luck; but I was by no means satisfied of her fair play, a circumstance
that shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her
disinterestedness and delicacy. However, I was resolved to profit by
this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ceremony;
accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and, finding her not at all
disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a
declaration of love in plain terms. She received my addresses with
great gaiety, and pretended to laugh them off, but at the same time
treated me with such particular complacency that I was persuaded I had
made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man
alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards
after supper, and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated
of ten guineas more.

It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general
invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of the day
hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of
possessing a fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate
on the character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it with
the circumstances of her conduct towards me, which seemed to bear too
great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn. This introduced a
melancholy reflection on the expense I had undergone, and the smallness
of my funds to support it, which, by-the-by, were none of my own. In
short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me
awake the greatest part of the night.

In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days,
presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked
his opinion of the lady he had seen me conduct to her coach at
Hampstead. “Odds! she’s a delicious creature!” cried he, “and, as I am
informed, a great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on going home
with her. I dare say, she would not have refused your company; for she
seems to be a good-humoured soul.” “There’s a time for all things,”
said I, “you must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one
o’clock this morning.” I had no sooner pronounced these words than he
began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a
transport, “The day’s our own—the day’s our own!” I gave him to
understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more
difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him
the intelligence I had received from Banter. At which he changed
colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman. I
told him I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I
foresaw it would lead me into a great expense; and bade him guess the
sum I had lost last night at cards. He scratched his chin, and
protested his abhorrence of cards, the very name of which being
mentioned, made him sweat with vexation, as it recalled the
money-dropper to his remembrance. “But, however,” said he, “you have to
do with other guess people now. Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run
last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve
shilling.” I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I
imagined, at that time, was all affected by way of reprimand for my
folly; and asked with some heat if he thought I had spent the evening
in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at the same
time, that my expense had amounted to eighteen guineas.

It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and
concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in which he
was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he
remained some time immovable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth
open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their station;
but, remembering my disposition, which was touchy, and impatient of
control, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself.
With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite if his teeth,
broke out in a whimper, took up his wash-ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed
my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face. I took no
notice of this confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself, put
him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender
my effects whenever he should think proper to demand them. He was
nettled at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust
of his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain
again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.

This good creature’s unalterable friendship for me affected me with the
most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of
acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my
generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring matters
to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a few such
nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting
that or any other advantageous amour.

While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr.
Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how I had
passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably
entertained at a private house. “Yes,” said he, with a sarcastic smile,
“you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid.” I was
surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his meaning.
“Come, come, Mr. Random,” continued he, “you need not make a mystery of
it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish affair between you
and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. It has set all the
busybodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and
you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your
expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks
you are an agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an
upstart gamester, because nobody knows anything of your family or
fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you are an Irish fortune-hunter.”
This last hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to conceal my
confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for
an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to
live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but
went on. “For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know who or
what you are. This I am certain of, that few people make a mystery of
their origin or situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in
either; and my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised
yourself, by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now
maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial
scheme.” Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my
face covered with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his
opinion. “Look ye, Random,” said he, “I have divined your plan, and am
confident it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of
the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and
detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides, you
are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune hunter
before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you are entitled
by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a better wife
than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that
rate;—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you
may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I have gained a loss! She would
take care to spend her fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick
of her extravagance.”

I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and
expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions,
and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to
the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology for the liberty he
had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as
an uncommon instance of which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me
there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour
with his confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so well
convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such
extraordinary proofs for the future. “I thought,” said he, “to have
asked five pieces more, but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last
night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my
demand accordingly.” I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour
of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was
bubbled. He then gave me to understand, that before he came to my
lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him
of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda,
with which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other
circumstances, assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that
nobody but a mere novice could be imposed upon.

The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing
my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my
indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either asperse
the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He
replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task to
chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for the
character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was
laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from being reckoned
a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable
indication of superior genius and address. “But let us waive this
subject,” said he, “and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a
party for dinner.”




CHAPTER XLVIII


We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute
between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the
Doctor gives an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter
at the ordinary—the old gentleman’s advice to me


Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I
accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail
disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed should be
spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the Latin verb
gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf of C,
observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we ought to change pudding into
budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that
case why not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all
the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our language would
become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The
controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real
opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail; upon which
the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable pish! with
great emphasis, removed to another table.

We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the
experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at
all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would
undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the
quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as
would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the
specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had
already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing which to
tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him to change
his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set
fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would
sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by
some very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to
blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had
not the presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole
house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the
smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the
neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a
pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the
expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to
quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled
to repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on
his quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to
incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable
house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder;
so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.

After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the
papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained
ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and,
after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that
he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed, we were no
sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, by telling the
old gentleman that he looked extremely well, considering the little
sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no
reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter
went on thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the charity of your
mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do
generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your
compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are
capable of making. You must know, gentlemen,” said he, turning to the
company, “I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill
of a fever, and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a
gin shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and
jollity: upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar
dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who
rejoiced at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not
sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old
apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which must
certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.” The
testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily, “’Tis
well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I think,” said the
other, “you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible,
that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may
remember, that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept
a public-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much to the
prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress,
you were discarded immediately: and I brought matters to a
reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the
country. How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my
business nor inclination to relate.”

This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own
invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and
provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a
mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered
those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a
volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent
jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; telling the company he had
invented these false and malicious aspersions, because he would not
lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores. “A very likely
story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to borrow money of a man
who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly
allowance hold out till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps
four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three
meals, besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up
with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he
regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying
miscreant!” cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command
money enough to pay your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle;
and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my
circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.” By this time
the violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat
silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his
mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in
plentifully for his next day’s fast.

Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and Banter
went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see
Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no
sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said, he was
sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of the most
graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good estate and
constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin of many a young
man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a lewd
example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I were on my
guard, he would strip me in a short time both of my money and
reputation. I thanked him for his information, and promised to conduct
myself accordingly, wishing, however, his caution had been a few hours
more early, by which means I might have saved five guineas.
Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to impute some part
of the charge to Medlar’s revenge for the liberties taken with him at
dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to
Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, resolved to
compare their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form
my judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor
assured me, that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune;
a scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the
town; that his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some
extravagances he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had
procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance.
From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young
fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his
appetites, and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it
to his wish.

I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my
friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them
home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour.




CHAPTER XLIX


I receive a Challenge—the Consequence of it—the Quarrel being made up,
am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap—but immediately
released upon explaining my Affair—the Behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his
two Friends—I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the
Duel—propose Marriage—she refers the Matter to her Mother, of whom I
make a solemn Demand of her Daughter—the old Lady’s behaviour—I am
discarded—-resent their Disdain


When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, To
Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained a
challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms:

“Sir,—Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda
Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of
marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back of
Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if you will
keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the
breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her so well as


Yours, etc.
Rourk Oregan.”


I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that my
rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents;
especially that part, in which he asserted his right to my mistress by
promise, a circumstance I did not not know how to reconcile to her good
sense and penetration. However, this was no time for me to decline the
defiance, because the success of my addresses in a great measure
depended upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore immediately
loaded my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney coach to the place
appointed, where I found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard-featured
countenance and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a
shabby green coat, over which his own hair descended in leathern queue
from his head, that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a
tarnished pointe d’Espagne. He had no sooner perceived me advancing
than he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and, presenting it at me,
snapped it without the least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation,
I made a stand, and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one
of mine at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready
with his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which
he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, “Fire away, honey!” and began
to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved to make
use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore stepped up
without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or prepare
for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused to condescend, and
complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could
return my shot: saying I ought to go back to my station, and let him
have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured to persuade him that I had
given him a double chance already: and it was my business to prevent
him from enjoying a third; but now, since I had an opportunity, I
demanded a parley, and desired to know his condition and reason for
calling me to the field, who, to the best of my remembrance, far from
having done him any injury, had never before seen him. He told me that
he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing
that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself
master of that sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an
honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him
and his hopes.

I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had
seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance of the
promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He gave me to
understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and personal merit;
that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting forth his claim and
pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an answer, or even
to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in
his letter was made by his friend Mr. Gahagan, who assured him that no
woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could not forbear
laughing to excess at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to
relish my mirth, but began to be very serious: upon which I endeavoured
to appease him, by giving him my word and honour that, far from
prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in
the most favourable light I could with any regard to truth; but he must
not be surprised if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing
was more capricious than a woman’s mind, and the affection of that sex
was seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have
the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing
sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his
hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in
his arms, cried, “Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend I have
met with these seven long years!” When I had suffered some minutes in
his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the
devil might burn him if ever he should give me any further trouble
about womankind.

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his
pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it was
happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them would
certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all
probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me a
lively idea of the man’s character was, to find, upon examination, that
one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the other primed
without a charge.

While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my new
friend’s history; and he informed me of his having served in the German
army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour at the
siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign’s commission,
and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which station it
was his misfortune to affront his captain, who challenged him to the
field, and was killed in the duel, upon which he was obliged to
retreat; that he had been in England some years soliciting his friends
for provision in the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful, was
desired by Mr. Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his
fortune by an advantageous match; in consequence of which advice, he
had made up to Melinda: and, having heard by means of an Irish footman
in the family, that I was her chief favourite, had called me out in
hopes of removing by my death the greatest obstruction to his desires;
but now he was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the
blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there were not
another woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity, which I
did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out
his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain’s challenge, which
he preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well convinced
of this poor man’s honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in
his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend his case to
the consideration of those who could provide for him; and in the
meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which his appearance
would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew his solicitations in
person.

As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a file
of musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached than,
with a frantic look, he cried, “Seize them! In the name of God seize
them!” We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the
corporal, who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan disengaged
himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court Road that he
was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered up, and
myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and asked pardon
for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would excuse, as it
proceeded from his affection. He then told me that, suspecting the
letter (which by the by was brought by the author himself) contained
something extraordinary, he had peeped through the keyhole, and seen me
load my pistols; upon which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied to
the officer on guard for a party to put me in arrest, but before he
returned, I was gone in a coach; that he had inquired which way I went,
and, having heard that duels were commonly fought at the back of
Montague House, he conducted the guard to this place, where he thanked
God for having found me safe and sound. I gave him to understand that I
forgave his officious concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty
severe terms for making me the subject of idle conversation for the
future; then turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and
gave him a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre
was over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he
might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which, he
would find upon examination that one of my pistols had been discharged:
but this civil person, without giving himself or me any farther
trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and acknowledgments,
and, returning the pistols, released me immediately.

He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in order
to rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged for that
purpose about the purlieus of St. Giles’s. One of them was armed with a
musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty broadsword, but
their dress surpassed all description. When he understood I was already
free he made an apology for his abrupt departure, and introduced me to
his two companions: First, to Counsellor Fitzclabber, who, he told me,
was then employed in compiling a history of the kings of Minster, from
Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a
profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many excellent
schemes for the good of his country. But it seems these literati had
been very ill rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them
both, there was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked
them very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and, having offered
my service in my turn, bade them good morrow, desiring Oregan to
accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes
from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal
gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all the
adventures of his life.

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great
kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure with
the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a
dozen letters in her possession, which he had written to her on the
subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she submitted to my
perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense of this poor
admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother’s going out of the
room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with
all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered, sighed,
swore, entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of
making some impression on her heart; but she heard everything I said
without discovering the least emotion; and other company came in before
she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After tea, the cards were
brought in according to custom, and it was my good fortune to have
Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead of losing, I came off
with five guineas clear gain.

I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent
my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas,
masquerades, drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly in company
with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness and address that
my prospect could inspire, and my education afford. I spared neither my
person nor my purse to gratify her vanity and pride; my rivals were
intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after all, I began to fear that
the dear creature had not a heart to lose.

At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour
much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one
evening, while we were together by ourselves, complained of her
indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a love-sick mind,
and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me with
such earnestness, that she could not, with all her art, shift the
subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. She told me,
with a careless air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I
could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I should not find her
averse to the match; but she was resolved to do nothing in such a
momentous concern without the advice and consent of her parent. This
was no very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim had been to win her
inclination first, and then secure my conquest by a private marriage,
to which I flattered myself she would express no reluctance. That I
might not, however, desert my cause before it was desperate, I waited
on her mother; and, with great formality, demanded the daughter in
marriage. The good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with
great state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her
family; and said, she did not doubt that I was in all respects
qualified to make a woman happy; but it concerned her as a parent
anxious about the welfare of her child, to inquire into the particulars
of my fortune, and know what settlement I proposed to make. To this
intimation, which would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not
expected it, I replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was
very small, I was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain
her daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry
on her and her heirs for ever. This careful matron did not seem to
relish my proposal, but observed, with a demure countenance, that there
was no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own
already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine upon
the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour her with a
perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, I
could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the mention of my
rent-roll, which was indeed a severe piece of satire upon my
pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and told her that
I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until I had
regulated my affairs, which were at present in some disorder; but that
I would take an opportunity of satisfying her on that head very soon.

It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings in
a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect
from that quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I
went back with a view of explaining myself more fully to the old
gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his ladies were not at
home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds at a parlour
window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this affront, I quitted
the door without saying one word, and as I repassed the parlour, bowed
to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely screened,
as she thought, from my view.

This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap’s account than my
own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the
contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a continual check
upon my conscience during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps
contributed to the bad success of my scheme, by controlling my raptures
and condemning my design.

There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that
happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected
passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring him
to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This finesse
had the desired effect, for, instead of grumbling over my miscarriage,
Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and begged me, for the
love of God, to be appeased; observing that, although we had suffered a
great loss, it was not irreparable; and if Fortune frowned to day, she
might perhaps smile to-morrow. I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks,
praise his equanimity, and promised to improve my misfortune. He, on
the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied with my
conduct, and conjured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection;
but, in spite of all his affectation, I could perceive his inward
affliction, and his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that
day.




CHAPTER L


I long to be revenged on Melinda—apply to Banter for his Assistance—he
contrives a scheme for that purpose—which is put in Execution with
great Success—I make an Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripewell, but
am disappointed—grow melancholy at my Disappointment, and have recourse
to the Bottle—receive a Billet-doux—am ravished with the Contents—find
myself involved in Intrigue, which I imagined would make my Fortune—am
confounded at my mistake, which banishes all Thoughts of Matrimony


In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of another
mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in both which
schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a
necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private dances he
engaged the men. To him therefore I applied, desiring he would
introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next private assembly,
for the sake of a frolic, the intention of which I would afterwards
communicate. Billy, who had heard something of a difference between
Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my design, and, thinking I
only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my
desire, by matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds,
whom the ladies of this end of the town had lately taken under their
management and protection. Upon further inquiry, I found this person’s
name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that her father, who had been a
pawnbroker, died intestate, by which means all his substance descended
to his daughter, who was so little a favourite that, could the old man
have prevailed with his own rapacious disposition to part with as much
money as would have paid the expense of a will, she would not have
inherited the sixth part of his fortune; that during his life, far from
being educated in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was
obliged to live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in
the family. But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed
the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to flatter,
caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience,
she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no less
than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the
misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain poor
Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to her
acquaintance. In the meantime, she was fallen into the hands of a
notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant of foot,
a distant relation of her ladyship’s, though Miss as yet knew nothing
of the affair; and lastly that if I proposed to dance with her, I must
give him leave to represent me as a knight, or foreign count at least.
I was ravished at this piece of information, and consented for one
night, to personate a French marquis, that I might the easier fulfil my
revenge.

Having made the appointment with Chatter I went to Banter’s lodgings,
as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration and
knowledge; and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every
circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I had
projected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice in
proving, and assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could be more
agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account of her behaviour
and my resentment: he applauded my resolution, and proposed that I
should not only provide myself with a proper partner, but also procure
such a one for Miss Goosetrap, as should infallibly entail upon her the
ridicule of all her acquaintance. For this purpose he mentioned his
barber who he said, was an exceeding coxcomb lately come from Paris,
whose absurd affectation and grimace, would easily pass upon her for
the sprightly politesse of a gentleman improved by travel. I hugged him
for this hint; and he assured me it would be no difficult matter to
make him believe, that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was
captivated by his appearance, and begged for his acquaintance. He
actually engaged him on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in
such colours that the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He
was immediately fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to
Banter, and by him recommended to Chatter as a very pretty fellow, just
returned from his travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentleman usher
to a great many of the fair sex in and about town, undertook at once to
bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and everything happened according to my
wish.

At the time appointed I appeared dressed to the best advantage; and, in
the character of a Marquis, had the honour of opening the ball with the
rich heiress, who attracted the eyes of the whole company by the
prodigious number of jewels with which she was adorned. Among others I
perceived Melinda, who could not more conceal her envy than
astonishment at my success; her curiosity was still more flagrant and
tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell before; and Chatter,
who alone could give her any satisfaction on that head, was engaged in
conversation at the other end of the room. I observed her impatience,
and exulted in her chagrin; and after my partner was set, took the
opportunity of passing by her to make a slight bow without stopping,
which completed my triumph and her indignation. She changed colour,
bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such a
fury, that it went to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment
of those who sat near and observed her.

At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his part
with such ridiculous extravagance that the mirth of the whole company
was excited at his expense, and his partner was so much ashamed that,
before the country dances began, she retired in great confusion, under
pretence of being taken suddenly ill, and was followed by her gallant,
who no doubt imagined her indisposition was nothing but love; and laid
hold of the occasion of conducting her home, to comfort her, with an
assurance of his entertaining a reciprocal passion. They were no sooner
gone than an inquisitive whisper of “Who is he?” ran round the room;
and Chatter could give them no other intelligence about him than that
he was a man of fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone
was acquainted with his real quality, affected ignorance well knowing
that female curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general
account, and that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from
anybody than me.

Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise upon
Miss Gripewell’s heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride
and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I
neither would nor could preserve the title I had borrowed longer than
that night.

As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, in pure
simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the
foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and was ashamed
to show her face in public for many weeks after this accident. Poor
Chatter found it impossible to justify himself to her satisfaction; was
in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for having imposed me upon her
as a nobleman; and suffered very much in his character and influence
among the ladies in general.

Finding my finances diminished more than one-half, and my project as
little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I began to
despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the prospect of
approaching want. To dispel the horrors of this fiend I had recourse to
the bottle, and kept more company than ever. I became particularly
attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors behind the scenes,
grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in a short time commenced
a professed wit and critic. Indeed, I may say, without vanity, that I
was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who were,
generally speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the
most ignorant and assuming. By means of these avocations I got the
better of care, and learned to separate my ideas in such a manner that,
whenever I was attacked by a gloomy reflection, I could shove it aside,
and call in some agreeable reverie to my assistance. This was not the
case with Strap, who practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow
that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a
mere skeleton.

While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one
day received, by the penny post, a letter written in a woman’s hand,
containing a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations of
love, couched in a very poetical style, an earnest desire of knowing
whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain
place, directed to R. B., and the whole subscribed “Your incognita.” I
was transported with joy on reading the contents of this billet-doux,
which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness and elegance, and was
already up to my ears in love with the author, whom my imagination
represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty.
Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, and exhausted my
invention in composing an answer suitable to the sublimity of her style
and the ardour of her sentiments. I expressed my admiration of her wit
in terms the most hyperbolical, and while I acknowledged myself
unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured of her understanding;
and in the most pathetic manner implored the honour of an interview.
Having finished this performance, and communicated it to Strap, who
skipped about for joy, I dispatched him with it to the place appointed,
which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond Street, and desired
him to keep watch near the door for some time, that he might discover
the person who should call for it. In less than an hour he returned
with a joyful countenance, and told me that, soon after he had
delivered the letter, a chairman was called, to whom it was given, with
directions to carry it to the house of a rich gentleman in the
neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him, and saw him put it into
the hands of a waiting-woman, who paid the messenger, and shut the
door; that, upon inquiry at an alehouse hard by, where he called for a
pint of beer, he understood the gentleman to whom the house belonged
had an only daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole
estate; and who certainly was the author of the billet I had received.
I was of the same opinion, and, hugging myself in the happy prospect,
dressed immediately, and passed in great state the house that contained
my unknown admirer. Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a
beautiful young creature standing at one of the windows of the
dining-room, who, I imagined, observed me with more than common
curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same time feast my
own, I affected to stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just
opposite to her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing
her more distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a
conquest of so much perfection. In a few moments she retired, and I
betook myself to the ordinary in a rapture of hope, which deprived me
of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to
indulge my contemplation.

Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown
admirer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which,
while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the value of it.
Above all things, she professed her extreme pleasure in finding me so
much attached to her understanding, a circumstance that not only
flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the same time argued my
own sagacity. As for the interview I desired, she assured me, that I
could not be more eager for such an occasion than she; but she must not
only sacrifice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my
honourable intentions, before she could grant that request. Meanwhile
she gave me to understand that, although she might owe some deference
to the opinion of certain persons, she was resolved, in an affair that
so nearly concerned her happiness, to consult her own inclination,
preferable to the advice of the whole world; especially as she was
urged to such condescension by no consideration of fortune, what she
depended upon being her own without restriction or control. Struck with
admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed
insensible of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with
that piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was
independent; I resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the
dignity of her sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of
external beauty, pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her
mind, complained of her rigour in sacrificing my repose to an
overscrupulous regard to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs
in the most solemn and pathetic vows. This performance being sealed and
directed, was sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might
be still the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a
little time brought back the same information as before, with this
addition, that Miss Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking out
at the window, no sooner saw the messenger arrive, than she shut the
casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared, eager no
doubt to hear from the dear object of her love.

My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I looked
upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest
of so long. After dinner, I sauntered in company with Dr. Wagtail, to
that part of the town in which my inamorata lived; and, as he was a
mere register, inquired of him into the name, character, and fortune of
everybody who possessed a good house in the streets through which we
passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir John Sparkle, he
represented him as a man of an immense estate and narrow disposition,
who mewed up his only child, a fine young lady, from the conversation
of mankind, under the strict watch and inspection of an old governante,
who was either so honest, envious, or insatiable, that nobody had been
as yet able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though
numbers attempted it every day; not so much on account of her
expectations from her father, who, being a widower, might marry again
and have sons, as for a fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by
an uncle, of which she could not be deprived. This piece of news,
exactly tallying with the last part of the letter I had been honoured
with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that any man except
Wagtail might have observed my emotion; but his attention was too much
engrossed by the contemplation of his own importance to suffer him to
be affected with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened
to be so particular that he could not help taking notice of it.

When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew insipid
to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the fruit of my
researches. This faithful squire was almost choked with transport, and
even wept with joy; but whether on account of himself or me, I shall
not pretend to determine. Next day a third billet-doux was brought to
me, containing many expressions of tenderness, mingled with some
affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the inconstancy of youth,
and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion; withal
desiring I would excuse her, if she should try me a little longer,
before she declared herself beyond the power of retracting. These
interesting scruples added fuel to my flame and impatience to my hope;
I redoubled my complaints of her indifference, and pressed her to an
assignation with such fervent entreaties, that in a few days she
consented to meet me at the house of that milliner who had forwarded
all my letters. During the interval between the date of her promise and
the hour of appointment, my pride soared beyond all reason and
description; I lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my
thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs over the malice and
contempt of the world.

At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous,
and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten
minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet
ascending the stairs; my heart took the alarm, and beat quick; my
cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstacy! I
perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, and
sprang forward to embrace my charmer. Heaven and earth! how shall I
paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled
hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, and petrified
with horror! This ancient Urganda, perceived my disorder, and,
approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand, asking in a
squeaking tone, if I was indisposed. Her monstrous affectation
completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her first appearance,
and it was a long time before I could command myself so much as to
behave with common civility: at length, however, I recollected myself,
and pronounced an apology for my behaviour, which I said proceeded from
a dizziness that seized me all of a sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no
doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause to
which I now ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand
amorous coquetries, and assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of
sixteen. One while she ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum;
then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down,
blush, and play with her fan; then toss her head that I might not
perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions with a
lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut to conceal the
ravage of time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously,
fling herself about in her chair to show her agility, and act a great
many more absurdities that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked
as I was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of
affronting any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a
good face to the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole
affair as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I
uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the name
and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. She told me her
name was Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle in quality of
governess to his only daughter, in which situation she had picked up a
comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for life; that she had the
pleasure of seeing me at church, where my appearance and deportment
made such an impression upon her heart, that she could enjoy no ease
until she had inquired into my character, which she found so amiable in
all respects, that she yielded to the violence of her inclination, and
ventured to declare her passion with too little regard perhaps to the
decorum of her sex; but she hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I
myself was in some measure the cause, and impute her intrusion to the
irresistible dictates of love. No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus
with more reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to this
compliment, when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only
in my power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I
considered, that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the
duenna, I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by
this suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I
talked en cavalier, and even made love to this antiquated coquette, who
seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her allurements to
make her imagined conquest more secure. The good woman of the house
treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards withdrew, like a
civil experienced matron as she was.

Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a
maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much impatience in
all her behaviour that, had she been fifty years younger, I might
possibly have gratified her longing without having recourse to the
church; but this step my virtue as well as interest forbade. When the
inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young fellow, he is
persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once grant her the
favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself from her
importunities and reproaches. It was my business to defer the ceremony
as long as possible, under the most specious pretences, with a view of
becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the meantime; and I did not
despair of success, when I considered, that in the course of our
correspondence, I should, in all probability, be invited to visit my
mistress in her own apartment, and by these means have an opportunity
of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with this prospect, my
heart dilated with joy; I talked in raptures to the state governante,
and kissed her shrivelled hand with great devotion, She was so much
transported with her good fortune, that she could not contain her
ecstacy, but flew upon me like a tigress, and pressed her skinny lips
to mine; when (as it was no doubt concerted by her evil genius) a dose
of garlic she had swallowed that morning, to dispel wind, I suppose,
began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that human nature,
circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shock with any degree of
temper. I lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an
instant, snatched my hat and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil
had me in pursuit, and could scarcely retain the convulsion of my
bowels, which were grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted
me. Strap, who waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in
the utmost disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not
inquire into the cause.

After I had washed my mouth, more than once, and recruited my spirits
with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had
happened; to which he made no other reply for some time than lifting up
his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a hollow groan. At length he
observed, in a melancholy tone, that it was a thousand pities my organs
were so delicate as to be offended with the smell of garlic. “Ah! God
help us,” said he, “’tis not the steams of garlic, no, nor of something
else, that would give me the least uneasiness—see what it is to be a
cobler’s son!” I replied hastily, “I wish then you would go and
retrieve my miscarriage.” At this suggestion he started, forced a
smile, and left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman
resented my abrupt departure so much that her love changed into
disdain, or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know
not; but I was never troubled again with her passion.




CHAPTER LI


I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen—am introduced to earl
Strutwell—his kind Promise and Invitation—the Behaviour of his Porter
and Lacquey—he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon
Affection—undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister—informs me
of his Success, and wishes me Joy—introduces a Conversation about
Petronius Arbiter—falls in Love with my Watch, which I press upon him—I
make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle—impart my good
Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter
Mortification


Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my
talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts
towards some employment under the government. With the view of
procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and
Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found these
young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I accompanied
them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns,
where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.

I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations
of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure,
and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my
hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G—. The other swore that
no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by
these declarations, I ventured to express an inclination to be
introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once.
Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to his father these three
years; and Straddle assured me, his father, having lately disobliged
the minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the house of
peers, was thereby rendered incapable of serving his friends at
present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell,
who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This
offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely,
in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a
necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of
this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependents, and
was ushered to a particular closet audience; from whence, in a few
minutes, he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand,
assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see
me often. I was charmed with my reception, and, although I had heard
that a courtier’s promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I
discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl’s
countenance, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his
protection. I resolved therefore to profit by this permission, and
waited on him next audience day, when I was favoured with a particular
smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted
half-an-hour’s conversation with me in private, when he should be
disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of
chocolate with him to-morrow morning.

This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and
expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship’s house
at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted
and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in the
broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stirring? He
answered with a surly aspect, “No.” “At what hour does he commonly
rise?” said I. “Sometimes sooner, sometimes later,” said he, closing
the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his
lordship’s own appointment, to which intimation this Cerberus replied,
“I have received no orders about the matter,” and was upon the point of
shutting me out, when I recollected myself all of a sudden, and
slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would
inquire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up. The grim
janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the
indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he
said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake.
I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and,
without speaking, started at me; I interpreted this piece of his
behaviour into, “Pray, sir, what is your business?” and asked the same
question I had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The
lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any
further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence of
poking the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon
which I began to perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with
half-a-crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method
of letting the earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow,
said, “Yes, sir,” and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in
an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was
received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I
found just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast,
he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the
remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my
understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently
squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular complacency in his
countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in
my behalf. “Young men of your qualifications,” said he, “ought to be
cherished by every administration. For my own part, I see so little
merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage
the least appearance of genius and virtue to the utmost of my power:
you have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one
day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting
by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a
day. As you understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like
to cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?” I assured his lordship,
with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my
inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business was
done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of
generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to
express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of
my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could not even
help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner
perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me
with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded at this uncommon
instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent
and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after he had assured me that
he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day; and desired
that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at
his levee, but come at the same hour every day, when he should be at
leisure, that is, three times a week.

Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more
certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite from
my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door
opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage towards the
presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious
looks at me the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The earl
saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his
success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred his
recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of
their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a
certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and
plenipotentiary who was to set out in a few weeks an affair of vast
importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good fortune, and
could make no other reply than kneel and attempt to kiss my
benefactor’s hand, which submission he would not permit; but, raising
me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he
had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. What enhanced
the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the
favour, and shifting the conversation to another subject.

Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was
introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and
erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of
antiquity, “Here’s a book,” said he, taking one from his bosom,
“written with great elegance and spirit; and, though the subject may
give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be
held in esteem by every person of wit and learning.” So saying, he put
into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and
manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and
vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that he ought to find no
quarter or protection among people of morals and taste. “I own,”
replied the earl, “that his taste in love is generally decried, and
indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to
prejudice and misapprehension than to true reason and deliberation. The
best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion;
one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of
it in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to
avow it. At this day it prevails not only over all the East, but in
most parts of Europe; in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in
all probability will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice
than simple fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in
vindication of it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against
offenders in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this
passion is unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which
proceeds from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either
murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and
wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: and it likewise
prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of
honest men’s wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which
is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this
appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the
constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny that
degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have been told, that
there is another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that
induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite
pleasure attending its success.”

From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship,
finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with
this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method of
sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed
suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite
unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter
detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satirist:—

Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.


The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find my
opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had
advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed
himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed a long audience, I
happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it;
and his lordship, observing the chased case, desired to see the device,
and examine the exception, which he approved with some expressions of
admiration. Considering the obligations I lay under to his lordship, I
thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to
manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do
me the honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense
I had of his lordship’s generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory
manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary
opinion of him; observing at the same time, that it was the most
beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to know
where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons for the
freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than
the highest veneration for his person—told him, that, as it came to my
hand by accident in France, I could give him no information about the
maker, for there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly
entreated that he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He
was still positive in refusing it; but was pleased to thank me for my
generous offer, saying, it was a present that no nobleman need be
ashamed of receiving: though he was resolved to show his
disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a
particular friendship; and insisted (if I were willing to part with the
watch) upon knowing what it had cost, that he might at least indemnify
me, by refunding the money. On the other hand, I assured his lordship
that I should look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he
would take it without further question; and, rather than disoblige me,
he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small
satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a
kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.

Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a guinea,
among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings
of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring as an
acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from thence
hied me home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with honest Strap.
I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, by depressing his
spirits at first, and then bringing in good news with double relish.
For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment and
chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner that I had lost the watch and
diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harassed into a consumption by
intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to
contain himself, he cried, with distraction in his looks, “God in
heaven forbid!” I could carry on the farce no longer; but, laughing in
his face, told him everything that had passed, as above recited. His
features were immediately unbended, and the transition was so
affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the
appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara avis; and praising God, that there
was still some virtue left among our nobility. Our mutual
congratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and
anticipated our happiness by prosecuting our success through the
different steps of promotion, till I arrived at the rank of a prime
minister, and he to that of my first secretary.

Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting
with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him,
concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in my
power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding me a
good while with a look of disdain, pronounced, “So your business is
done, you think?” “As good as done. I believe,” said I. “I’ll tell
you,” replied he, “what will do it still more effectually—a halter!
’Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels as Strutwell
and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck myself up.” Shocked
at this exclamation, I desired him with some confusion to explain
himself; upon which he gave me to understand that Straddle was a poor
contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping for his
fellow-peers; that in consequence of this last capacity, he had
doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious for a
passion for his own sex that he was amazed his character had never
reached my ears; and that, far from being able to obtain for me the
post he had promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could
scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a year in the customs
or excise; that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers, whom
his jackals ran down, with such assurances and caresses as he had
bestowed on me, until he had stripped them of their cash, and
everything valuable about them, very often of their chastity, and then
leave them a prey to want and infamy: that he allowed his servants no
other wages than that part of the spoil which they could glean by their
industry; and the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that
nobody who knew anything of mankind could have been imposed upon by his
insinuations.

I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information,
which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the
lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take
Banter’s advice and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room to
suspect the veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection, I found
every circumstance of Strutwell’s behaviour exactly tallying with the
character he had described; his hugs, embraces, squeezes, and eager
looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his defence of
Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre, who, it
seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.




CHAPTER LII


I attempt to recover my Watch and Jewel, but to no Purpose—resolve to
revenge myself on Strutwell by my Importunity—am reduced to my last
Guinea—obliged to inform Strap of my Necessity, who is almost
distracted with the News, but nevertheless obliged to pawn my best
Sword for present Subsistence—that small Supply being exhausted, I am
almost stupified with my Misfortunes—go to the Gaming Table by the
Advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected Success—Strap’s
Ecstacy—Mrs. Gawky waits upon me, professes Remorse for her Perfidy,
and implores my Assistance—I do myself a Piece of Justice by her Means,
and afterwards reconcile her to her Father


I was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who
reproached me with great indignation for having thrown away upon
rascals that which, had it been converted into ready money, would have
supported the rank of a gentleman for some months, and enabled me, at
the same time, to oblige my friends. Stupified as I was, I could easily
divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away in a solitary
manner, without yielding the least answer to his expostulations; and
began to deliberate within myself in what manner I should attempt to
retrieve the movables I had so foolishly lost. I should have thought it
no robbery to take them again by force, could I have done it without
any danger of being detected; but, as I could have no such opportunity,
I resolved to work by finesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of
Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find him. “My Lord,” said I,
“I have just now recollected, that the diamond I had the honour of
presenting to you is loosened a little in the socket, and there is a
young fellow just arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller
in Europe; I knew him in France; and, if your lordship will give me
leave, will carry the ring to him to be set to rights.” His lordship
was not to be caught in this snare; he thanked me for my offer, and
told me, that, having himself observed the defect, he had sent it to
his own jeweller to be mended; and, indeed, by this time I believe it
was in the jeweller’s hands, though not in order to be mended, for it
stood in need of no alteration.

Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity; but resolved
to play a surer game with the earl, which I thus devised. I did not
doubt of being admitted into familiar conversation with him, as before,
and hoped by some means to get the watch into my hand; then, on
pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it on the floor, when, in
all probability, the fall would disorder the work so as to stop its
motion; this event would furnish me with an opportunity of insisting
upon carrying it away in order to be repaired, and then I should be in
no hurry to bring it back. What pity it was I could not find an
occasion of putting this fine scheme in execution! When I went to renew
my visit to his lordship, my access to the parlour was as free as ever;
but after I had waited for some time, the valet-de-chambre came in with
his lord’s compliments, and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levee,
he being at present so much indisposed that he could not see company. I
interpreted this message into a bad omen, and came away muttering
curses against his lordship’s politeness, and ready to go to
loggerheads with myself for being so egregiously duped. But, that I
might have some satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged
him so closely at his levee, and persecuted him with my solicitations;
not without faint hopes, indeed, of reaping something more from my
industry than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy; though I could
never obtain another private hearing the whole course of my attendance;
neither had I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks in a
little time were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came home,
his eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention.

At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, I was
compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to sweeten the
discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I received from my
patron. But these promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support
the spirits of my friend, who no sooner understood the lowness of my
finances, than, uttering a dreadful groan, he exclaimed, “In the name
of God, what shall we do?” In order to comfort him, I said, that many
of my acquaintances, who were in a worse condition than we, supported,
notwithstanding, the character of gentlemen; and advising him to thank
God that as yet we had incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn my
sword of steel, inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for the
rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite
of his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of economy
and expense suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless
he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a
twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for
the present, as if I had kept five hundred pounds in bank; for by this
time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every troublesome
reflection, that the prospect of want seldom affected me very much, let
it be ever so near. And now indeed it was nearer than I imagined. My
landlord, having occasion for money, put me in mind of my being
indebted to him five guineas in lodging; and, telling me he had a sum
to make up, begged I would excuse his importunity, and discharge the
debt. Though I could ill spare so much cash, my pride took the
resolution of disbursing it. This I did in a cavalier manner, after he
had written a discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and
resentment, I saw he was resolved that I should not be long in his
books; while Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his
hands in secret, gnawed his nether lip, and turned yellow with despair.
Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I
was thunderstruck with this demand, which I had no sooner satisfied,
than I hastened into company, with a view of beguiling my cares with
conversation, or drowning them with wine.

After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, from
whence we adjourned to the tavern, where, instead of sharing the mirth
of the company, I was as much chagrined at their good humour as a
damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven. In vain did I
swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had lost its effect upon me, and,
far from raising my dejected spirits, could not even lay me asleep.
Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap excepted), perceived my
anxiety, and, when we broke up, reproached me with pusillanimity, for
being cast down at my disappointment that such a rascal as Strutwell
could be the occasion of. I told him I did not at all see how
Strutwell’s being a rascal alleviated my misfortune; and gave him to
understand that my present grief did not so much proceed from that
disappointment, as from the low ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to
something less than two guineas. At this declaration he cried, “Psha!
is that all?” and assured me there were a thousand ways of living in
town without a fortune, he himself having subsisted many years entirely
by his wit. I expressed an eager desire of being acquainted with some
of these methods, and he, without farther expostulation, bade me follow
him. He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Covert Garden,
which we entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who
demanded them at the foot of the staircase, ascended to the second
story, where I saw multitudes of people standing round two
gaming-tables, loaded, in a manner, with gold and silver. My conductor
told me this was the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who, using the
privilege of his peerage, had set up public gaming tables, from the
profits of which he drew a comfortable livelihood. He then explained
the difference between the sitters and the bettors; characterised the
first as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my
fortune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a time. Before I
would venture anything, I considered the company more particularly, and
there appeared such a group of villanous faces, that I was struck with
horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my surprise to
Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those present were
sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having embezzled their
master’s cash, made a desperate push in this place to make up their
deficiencies. This account did not encourage me to hazard any part of
my small pittance: but, at length, being teased by the importunities of
my friend, who assured me there was no danger of being ill-used,
because people were hired by the owner to see justice done to
everybody, I began by risking one shilling, and, in less than an hour,
my winning amounted to thirty. Convinced by this time of the fairness
of the game, and animated with success, there was no need of further
persuasion to continue the play: I lent Banter (who seldom had any
money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried to the gold table, and
lost in a moment. He would have borrowed another, but finding me deaf
to his arguments, went away in a pet. Meanwhile my gain advanced to six
pieces, and my desire of more increased in proportion: so that I moved
to the higher table, where I laid half-a-guinea on every throw, and
fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I
remained until it was broad day; when I found myself, after many
vicissitudes, one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.

Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if anybody
would take my place, and made a notion to rise; upon which an old
Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money,
started up with fury in his looks, crying, “Restez, foutre, restez! il
faut donner moi mon ravanchio!” At the same time, a Jew, who sat near
the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art than fortune for
what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the table very often, and
that some of the divisions appeared to be greasy. This intimation
produced a great deal of clamour against me, especially among the
losers, who threatened with many oaths and imprecations, to take me up
by a warrant as a sharper, unless I would compromise the affair by
refunding the greatest part of my winning. Though I was far from being
easy under his accusation, I relied upon my innocence, threatened in my
turn to prosecute the Jew, for defamation, and boldly offered to submit
my cause to the examination of any justice in Westminster; but they
knew themselves too well to put their characters on that issue, and
finding that I was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped
their plea, and made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, stir
from the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my
disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly.

As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread on the toes of a
tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick
eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled
over his forehead, who stood gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and he
sooner felt the application of my shoe heel, than he roared out in a
tremendous voice, “Blood and wounds! you son of a whore, what’s that
for?” I asked pardon with a great deal of submission, and protested I
had no intention of hurting him; but the more I humbled myself the more
he stormed, and insisted on gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time
provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up with; so
that I gave loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and
challenged him down to the piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine
warmed, he refused my invitation, saying he would choose his own time,
and returned towards the table muttering threats, which I neither
dreaded nor distinctly heard; but, descending with great deliberation,
received my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea,
according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture of
joy.

My faithful valet, who had set up all night in the utmost uneasiness on
my account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and
followed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned
criminal, in expectation of hearing that every shilling was spent, I
guessed the situation of his thoughts, and, assuming a sullen look,
bade him fetch me some water to wash. He replied, without lifting his
eyes from the ground, “In my simple conjecture, you have more occasion
for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four-and-twenty hours.”
“Bring me some water!” said I, in a peremptory tone; upon which he
sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned, I had spread
my whole stock on the table in the most ostentatious manner; so that,
when it first saluted his view, he stood like one entranced; and,
having rubbed his eyes more than once, to assure himself of his being
awake, broke out into, “Lord have mercy upon us, what a vast treasure
is here!” “’Tis all our own, Strap,” said I; “take what is necessary,
and redeem the sword immediately.” He advanced towards the table,
stopped short by the way, looked at the money and me by turns, and with
a wildness in his countenance, produced from joy checked by distrust,
cried, “I dare say it is honestly come by.” To remove his scruples, I
made him acquainted with the whole story of my success, which, when he
heard, he danced about the room in an ecstacy, crying, “God be
praised!—a white stone!—God be praised!—a white stone!” So that I was
afraid the change of fortune had disordered his intellects, and that he
was run mad with joy. Extremely concerned at this event, I attempted to
reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose; for without regarding
what I said, he continued to frisk up and down, and repeat his
rhapsody, of “God be praised!—a white stone!” At last, I rose in the
utmost consternation, and, laying violent hands upon him, put a stop to
his extravagance by fixing him down to a settee that was in the room.
This constraint banished his delirium; he started as if just awoke, and
terrified at my behaviour, cried, “What is the matter!” When he learned
the cause of my apprehension, he was ashamed of his transports, and
told me, that in mentioning the white stone, he alluded to the Dies
fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati.

Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was
just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was a
gentlewoman at the door who wanted to speak with me. Surprised at this
information, I made Strap show her up, and in less than a minute, saw a
young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my room. After
half-a-dozen curtsies, she began to sob, and told me her name was
Gawky; upon which information I immediately recollected the features of
Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of my misfortunes.
Though I had all the reason in the world to resent her treacherous
behaviour to me, I was moved at her distress, and professing my sorrow
at seeing her so reduced desired her to sit, and inquired into the
particulars of her situation. She fell upon her knees and implored my
forgiveness for the injuries she had done me, protesting before God,
that she was forced, against her inclination, into that hellish
conspiracy which had almost deprived me of my life, by the entreaties
of her husband, who, having been afterwards renounced by his father on
account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a family on his
pay, left his wife at her father’s house, and went with the regiment to
Germany, where he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of
Dettingen; since which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then
gave me to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her
misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by which event
her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors with the
infant, that died soon after: and had hitherto subsisted in a miserable
indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few friends, who were now
quite tired of giving; that, not knowing where or how to support
herself one day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, who, of
all mankind, had the least cause to assist her, relying upon the
generosity of my disposition, which, she hoped, would be pleased with
this opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest manner on the wretch
who had wronged me. I was very much affected with her discourse and,
having no cause to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised her
up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and promised to
befriend her as much as lay in my power.

Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the
apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to make my
innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: Strap
indeed had laboured to justify me to the schoolmaster; but, far from
succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropped all correspondence
with him, because he refused to quit his connection with me. Things
being in this situation, I thought a fairer opportunity of vindicating
my character could not offer than that which now presented itself; I
therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that before I would yield her the
least assistance, she should do me the justice to clear my reputation
by explaining upon oath before a magistrate the whole of the
conspiracy, as it had been executed against me. When she had given me
this satisfaction, I presented her with five guineas, a sum so much
above her expectation, that she could scarce believe the evidence of
her senses, and was ready to worship me for my benevolence. The
declaration, signed with her own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon
recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was
convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with
his friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my
vindication. After mutual salutation, Monsieur Lavement began a long
apology for the unjust treatment I had received; but I saved him a good
deal of breath by interrupting his harangue, and assuring him that, far
from entertaining a resentment against him, I thought myself obliged to
his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after such strong assumptions
of guilt appeared against me. Mr. Concordance, thinking it now his turn
to speak, observed that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to
be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not
have been otherwise with any honesty of intention. “Indeed,” said he,
“if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural
intelligence; if it had been whispered by a genius, communicated by
dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to
blame in crediting ocular demonstration; but as we were left in the
midst of mortality, it cannot be expected we should be incapable of
imposition. I must assure you, Mr. Random, no man on earth is more
pleased than I am at this triumph of your character: and, as the news
of your misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this manifestation
of your innocence makes my midriff quiver with joy.” I thanked him for
this concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who
judged harshly of me, and, having treated them with a glass of wine,
represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and
pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented to settle a small
annuity on her for life: but could not be persuaded to take her home,
because her mother was so much incensed, that she would never see her.




CHAPTER LIII


I purchase new Clothes—reprimand Strutwell and Straddle—Banter proposes
another matrimonial Scheme—I accept of his Terms—set out to Bath in the
Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother—the Behaviour of an
Officer and Lawyer—our fellow Travellers described—a smart dialogue
between my Mistress and the Captain


Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself
perfectly at ease; and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain
resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever. Although
my clothes were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of wearing them,
because I thought everybody by this time had got an inventory of my
wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a
salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, and bought two new
suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch,
despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to
Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his
levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a secretary
of his own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate
with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom in a letter, for
amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor
inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle,
whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of
Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every
respect. He seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal
about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons which
I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with
great warmth, and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend in
such a manner that I left him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour.

About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden
alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to inquire very
minutely into the cause, and, as I did not think fit to let him know
the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my purse, on
the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him
that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who
at the same time had proffered to use all his interest (which was not
small) in soliciting some post for me that should make me easy for
life. “If that be the case,” said Banter, “perhaps you won’t care to
mortify yourself a little in making your fortune another way. I have a
relation who is to set out for Bath next week, with an only daughter,
who being sickly and decrepit, intends to drink the waters for the
recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich Turkey merchant,
died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty thousand
pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I
would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at
present between the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago
I borrowed a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before
a certain time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from
the country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note;
upon which she wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest me, if
I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this precise behaviour,
I sent a d—d severe answer, which enraged her so much that she actually
took out a writ against me. Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious,
I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went
to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was
provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed
urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue,
that I was fain to make a retreat, after having been honoured with a
great many scandalous epithets, which gave me plainly to understand
that I had nothing to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection
of the other. As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a
thousand to one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or
other at Bath, if I don’t provide for her otherwise. You are a
well-looking fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker. If
you will give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six
months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her
in spite of all opposition.”

This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The writing
was immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter, giving me notice of
the time when, and the stage coach in which they were to set out, I
bespoke a place in the same convenience; and, having hired a horse for
Strap, who was chagrined with the prospect, set forward accordingly.

As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of
seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even of
perceiving the number and sex of my fellow travellers, although I
guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in seating
myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when, all
of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous voice
pronounced, “To the right and left, cover your flanks, d—me! whiz!” I
easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation that it
was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the
profession of another person who sat opposite to me, and observed that
we ought to have been well satisfied of our security before we entered
upon the premises. These two sallies had not the desired effect. We
continued a good while as mute as before, till at length the gentleman
of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second effort, by
swearing he had got into a meeting of quakers. “I believe so too,” said
a shrill female voice at my left hand, “for the spirit of folly begins
to move.” “Out with it then, madam!” replied the soldier. “You seem to
have no occasion for a midwife,” cried the lady. “D—mn my blood!”
exclaimed the other, “a man can’t talk to a woman, but she immediately
thinks of a midwife.” “True sir,” said she, “I long to be delivered.”
“What of—a mouse, madam?” said he. “No, Sir,” said she, “of a fool.”
“Are you far gone with a fool?” said he. “Little more than two miles,”
said she. “By Gad, you’re a wit, madam,” cried the officer, “I wish I
could with any justice return the compliment,” said the lady. “Zounds,
I have done,” said he. “Your bolt is soon shot, according to the old
proverb,” said she. The warrior’s powder was quite spent; the lawyer
advised him to drop the prosecution, and a grave matron, who sat on the
left hand of the victorious wit, told her she must not let her tongue
run so fast among strangers. This reprimand, softened with the
appellation of child, convinced me that the satirical lady was no other
than Miss Snapper, and I resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly.
The champion, finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery,
and began to expatiate on his own exploits. “You talk of shot, madam,”
said he; “d—me! I have both given and received some shot in my time—I
was wounded in the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where—I say
nothing—but by G—d! if it had not been for me—all’s one for that—I
despise boasting, d—me! whiz!” So saying, he whistled one part and
hummed another, of the Black Joke; then, addressing himself to the
lawyer, went on thus; “Wouldn’t you think it d—d hard, after having, at
the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment that had
been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains? I don’t choose to
name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will refer, by G—d! and
that is this—a musketeer of the French guards, having a standard from a
certain cornet of a certain regiment, d—e! was retreating with his
prize as fast as his horse’s heels could carry him, sink me! Upon
which, I snatched up firelock that belonged to a dead man, d—me! Whiz!
and shot his horse under him, d—n my blood! The fellow got upon his
feet, and began to repose me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast
high, and ran him through the body by G—! One of his comrades, coming
to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and
another gave me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his
carbine; but, d—me, that did not signify. I killed one, put the other
to flight, and taking up the standard, carried it off very
deliberately. But the best joke of all was the son of a b—ch of a
cornet, who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my
possession, demanded it from me in the front of the line. “D—n my
blood!” says he, “where did you find my standard?” says he. “D—n my
blood!” said I, “where,” said I, “did you lose it?” said I. “That’s
nothing to you,” says he, “’tis my standard,” says he” and by G—d I’ll
have it,” says he. “D—nation seize me,” says I, “if you shall,” says I,
“till I have first delivered it to the general,” says I; and
accordingly I went to the headquarters after the battle, and delivered
it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me. But I am no more than a
poor lieutenant still, d—n my blood.”

Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had
not been requited according to his deserts; observed that the labourer
is always worthy of his hire, and asked if the promise was made before
witnesses, because in that case the law would compel the general to
perform it; but understanding that the promise was made over a bottle,
without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid
in law, proceeded to inquire into the particulars of the battle, and
affirmed that, although the English had drawn themselves into premunire
at first, the French managed their cause so lamely in the course of the
dispute, that they would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not
obtained a nolli prosequi. In spite of these enlivening touches, the
conversation was like to suffer another long interruption, when the
lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could
be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company
with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing,
began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza of which he
pronounced thus:

“Would you task the moon-tide hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair.
Where waving with the poplin vow,
The bantling fine will shelter you,” etc.


The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on with such surprising
facility that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to
burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause,
namely ignorance; and, when he asked her how she relished his music,
answered that, in her opinion, the music and the words were much of a
piece. “Oh, d—n my blood!” said he “I take that as a high compliment;
for everybody allows the words are d—able fine.” “They may be so,”
replied the lady, “for aught I know, but they are above my
comprehension.” “I an’t obliged to find you comprehension, madam, curse
me!” cried he. “No, nor to speak sense neither,” said she. “D—n my
heart,” said he, “I’ll speak what I please.” Here the lawyer
interposed, by telling him, there were some things he must not speak;
and upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned treason and
defamation. “As for the king,” cried the soldier, “God bless him—I eat
his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing
to say to him—but, by G—d, I dare say anything to any other man.” “No,”
said the lawyer, “you dare not call me rogue.” “D—me, for what?” said
the other. “Because,” replied the counsellor, “I should have it good
action against you, and recover.” “Well, well,” cried the officer, “if
I dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, d—me!” This stroke of
wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which
unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his
antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, except
to clear his pipe with three hems, which however, produced nothing.




CHAPTER LIV


Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss
Snapper, whom I had not seen before—the Soldier is witty upon me—is
offended—talks much of his Valour—is reprimanded by a grave
Gentlewoman—we are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen—I get out of the
Coach, and stand in my own defence—they ride off without having
attacked us—I pursue them—one of them is thrown from his Horse and
taken—I return to the Coach—am complimented by Miss Snapper—the
Captain’s Behaviour on this Occasion—the Prude reproaches me in a
Soliloquy—I upbraid her in the same Manner—the Behaviour of Miss
Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me—the Lawyer is witty upon the
Officer, who threatens him


In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another
the faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good fortune to
find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been
represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a
hatchet, the edge being represented by her face; but she had a certain
delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes,
which were very large and black; and, though the protuberance of her
breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy
to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and
kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have
great reason to congratulate myself if it should be my fate to possess
twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. I began therefore
to deliberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest,
and was so much engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice
of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved my project in
silence; while the conversation was maintained as before by the object
of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time
recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a
dispute happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who
was so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the
reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn.
Affronted at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation
swore I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and that I looked as if I
could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed my
eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo! Upon
which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, “D—me sir, what
d’ye mean by that.” Had I intended to answer him, which by the by was
not my design, I should have been anticipated by Miss, who told him, my
meaning was to show, that I could cry Bo to a goose; and laughed very
heartily at my laconic reproof. Her explanation and mirth did not help
to appease his wrath, which broke out in several martial insinuations,
such as—“I do not understand such freedoms, d—me! D—n my blood! I’m a
gentleman, and bear the king’s commission. ’Sblood! some people deserve
to have their noses pulled for their impertinence.” I thought to have
checked these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of
his valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a lion’s skin;
but this expedient did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage at
the contraction of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky looks a
fig’s end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said,
she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much
courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect her from all the
attempts of highwaymen during our journey. “Make yourself perfectly
easy on that head, madam,” replied the officer. “I have got a pair of
pistols (here they are), which I took from a horse officer at the
battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in
England robs you of the value of a pin while I have the honour of being
in your company, d—n my heart.” When he had expressed himself in this
manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her
mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull
out such weapons before ladies. “D—me, madam,” cried the champion, “if
you are so much afraid at the sight of a pistol, how d’ye propose to
stand fire if there should be occasion?” She then told him that, if she
thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence,
whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach
immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure a
convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea
interposed, and observed that, far from being offended at a gentleman’s
using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in
being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving
herself from being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss,
and said that people, who have but little to lose, are sometimes the
most solicitous about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this
inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed
before they speak slightingly of other people’s fortune, lest they
discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter
declared, that she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of
riches; and if the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would
promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would
be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we
should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the
reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of
her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my young mistress,
and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under
her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in my
favour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach door, and told
us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath
(for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and made directly towards
us.

This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper
began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out her
purse to be in readiness, the lawyer’s teeth chattered, while he
pronounced, “’Tis no matter—we’ll sue the county and recover.” The
captain gave evident signs of confusion: and I, after having commanded
the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the
warrior to follow me. But, finding him backward and astonished, I took
his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had by this time alighted
and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; and, taking my own
(which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both,
and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to
oppose them on horseback, and another man armed a-foot, they made a
halt at some distance to reconnoitre us: and after having rode round us
twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way
they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman’s servant coming up with a
horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing
them, which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer’s
pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the
swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and
then, firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them
as fast as our beasts could carry us; but, not being so well mounted as
they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse
of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence over
his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and was taken without
the least opposition; while his comrade consulted his own safety in
flight, without regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had
time to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his hands together,
before he recovered his senses, when, learning his situation he
affected surprise, demanded to know by what authority we used a
gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten us with a
prosecution for robbery. In the meantime, we perceived Strap coming up
with a crowd of people, armed up with different kinds of weapons; and
among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had
secured, than he cried with great emotion, “There’s the fellow who
robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.” He was
immediately searched, and the money found exactly as it had been
described; upon which we committed him to the charge of the countryman,
who carried him to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer
had alarmed; and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble,
according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found
the captain and lawyer busy in administering smelling bottles and
cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of
firing.

When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen
everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour, and
said she was glad to see me returned without having received any
injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution: the
lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parliament to a reward of
forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman. The soldier
observed, with a countenance in which impudence and shame struggling,
produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such a d—d hurry to
get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues effectually,
without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme, which my heat
and precipitation ruined. “For my own part,” continued he, “I am always
extremely cool on these occasions.” “So it appeared, by your
trembling,” said the young lady. “Death and d—ion!” cried he, “your sex
protects you, madam; if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I’d
send him to hell, d—n my heart! in an instant.” So saying, he fixed his
eyes upon me, and asked if I had seen him tremble? I answered without
hesitation, “Yes.” “D—me, sir!” said he, “d’ye doubt my courage?” I
replied, “Very much.” This declaration quite disconcerted him. He
looked blank, and pronounced with a faltering voice, “Oh! it’s very
well: d—n my blood! I shall find a time.” I signified my contempt of
him, by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much,
that he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey.

The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some
strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man,
who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the
sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of honour into such
quandaries as might endanger their lives; and professed her surprise
that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At the same time
vowing that for the future she would never set foot in a stage coach,
if a private convenience could be had for love or money.

Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my
sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense
should be so unreasonable as to expect that people, who had neither
acquaintance nor connection with her, would tamely allow themselves to
be robbed and maltreated, merely to indulge her capricious humour. I
likewise confessed my astonishment at her insolence and ingratitude in
taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her approbation and
acknowledgment; and vowed that, if ever she should be assaulted again,
I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the
value of my protection.

This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any
further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the
crestfallen captain, while I entered into discourse with my charmer,
who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived a
very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. I
should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness of
her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with judgment; but
she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly
tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack!
However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys attending the
possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her imperfections,
seized occasion by the forelock, and tried to insinuate myself into her
affection. The careful mother kept a strict watch over her and though
she could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities
of discouraging our communication, by reprimanding her for being so
free with strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less and
think more. Abridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes,
and I found the young lady very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In
short, I had reason to believe that she was sick of the old
gentlewoman’s tuition, and that I should find it no difficult matter to
supersede her authority.

When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted,
and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother who
called for a private room to which they withdrew in order to eat by
themselves. As they retired together, I perceived that Miss had got
more twists from nature than I had before observed for she was bent
sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very much
resembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the captain for her
messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only, to be brought into
another separate room: while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of
the company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a good deal
chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I thought, did
not use me with all the complaisance I deserved; and my companion
declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years, and never knew
the stage coach rules so much infringed before. As for the honourable
gentlewoman I could not conceive the meaning of her attachment to the
lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew for which of the soldier’s
virtues she admired him? The counsellor facetiously replied, “I suppose
the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a
settlement in tail.” I could not help laughing at the archness of the
barrister, who entertained me during breakfast with a great deal of wit
of the same kind, at the expense of our fellow travellers; and among
other things said, he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with
such incumbrances.

When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went
into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with sixpence to
revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst
of their meal. This task he performed to our satisfaction, after he had
disturbed their enjoyment with his importunate clamour. The mother and
daughter obeyed the summons first, and, coming to the coach door, were
obliged to desire the coachman’s assistance to get in, because the
lawyer and I had agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. They
were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared, as much heated as if
he had been pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately after
him came the lady, not without some marks of disorder. Having helped
her up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman
for his impertinent interruption; and the lawyer comforted him by
saying, that if he had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy of
the defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue at the next
stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave gentlewoman, who
told him, if she was a man, she would make him repent of such
obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company before.
At this insinuation the captain thought himself under a necessity of
espousing the lady’s cause; and accordingly threatened to cut off the
lawyer’s ears, if he should give his tongue any such liberties for the
future. The poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal silence
ensued.




CHAPTER LV


I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, and am favoured by
accident—the Precise Lady finds her husband, and quit the Coach—the
Captain is disappointed of his dinner—we arrive at Bath—I accompany
Miss Snapper to the Long-room, where she is attacked by beau Nash, and,
turns the Laugh against him—I make love to her, and receive a
check—Squire her to an Assembly, where I am blessed with a Sight of my
dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper,
observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the Cause—is piqued at
the Occasion, and, in our way home, pays me a sarcastic Compliment—I am
met by Miss Williams, who is the maid and Confidante of Narcissa—she
acquaints me with her Lady’s regard for me while under the disguise of
a Servant, and describes the Transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the
Assembly, in the Character of a Gentleman—I am surprised with an
Account of her Aunt’s Marriage, and make an Appointment to meet Miss
Williams the next day


During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained a
severe conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one
represented as unworthy of notice, and the other proposed as the object
of my whole attention: the advantages and disadvantages of such a match
were opposed to one another by my imagination; and, at length, my
judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that I resolved to
prosecute my scheme with all the address in my power. I thought I
perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned by my silence,
which she, no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her mother’s behaviour;
and, as I believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my
muteness to the same motive, I determined to continue that sullen
conduct towards her, and fall upon some other method of manifesting my
esteem for the daughter, nor was it difficult for me to make her
acquainted with my sentiments by the expression of my looks, which I
modelled into the character of humanity and love; and which were
answered by her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire.
But when I began to consider, that, without further opportunities of
improving my success, all the progress I had hitherto made would not
much avail, and that such opportunities could not be enjoyed without
the mother’s permission, I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish
her coldness and suspicion by my assiduities and respectful behaviour
on the road; and she would, in all likelihood, invite me to visit her
at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her
acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my
purpose. And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of
obliging her so much that she could not, with any appearance of good
manners, forbear to gratify my inclination.

When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables at the
inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us and, in
all likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke
Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the
landlord with a glass of wine to curtail his lordship’s entertainment
of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent with my compliments
to the ladies. They accepted my treat with a great many thanks, and
desired I would favour them with my company at dinner, where I amused
the old gentlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a seemingly
disinterested ease in the midst of my civility, that she signified a
desire of being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to
see her sometimes at Bath. While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the
precise lady had the good fortune to meet with her husband, who was no
other than gentleman, or, in other words, valet-de-chambre, to the very
nobleman whose coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had
in the house, she affected to show her power by introducing the captain
to her spouse as a person who had treated her with great civility upon
which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the poor lawyer,
finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, and was
through my intercession admitted into our company. Having satisfied our
appetites, and made ourselves merry at the expense of the person of
honour, the civil captain, and complaisant husband, I did myself the
pleasure of discharging the bill by stealth, for which I received a
great many apologies and acknowledgments from my guests, and we
re-embarked at the first warning. The officer was obliged, at last, to
appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and cheese, and a pint
bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing the
inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a
whole hour.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,
which was finished next day, when I waited on the ladies to the house
of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and, passing that night
at the inn, took lodgings in the morning for myself.

The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth seeing in
the place, in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a
letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies,
and found Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigue of their
journey. As they foresaw they should have occasion for a male
acquaintance to squire them at all public places, I was received with
great cordiality, and had the mother’s permission to conduct them next
day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than the eyes of
everybody present were turned upon us, and, when we had suffered the
martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our
expense, which was accompanied with many contemptuous smiles and
tittering observations, to my utter shame and confusion. I did not so
much conduct as follow my charge to a place where she seated her mother
and herself with astonishing composure notwithstanding the unmannerly
behaviour of the whole company, which seemed to be assumed merely to
put her out of countenance. The celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly
attends in this place, as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the
disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying
their ill-nature further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his
wit. With this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and,
after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her in the
hearing of all present, if she could inform him of the name of Tobit’s
dog. Miss was so much incensed at his insolence, that I should
certainly have kicked him where he stood without ceremony, had not the
young lady prevented the effects of my indignation, by replying with
the utmost vivacity, “His name was Nash, and an impudent dog he was.”
This repartee so unexpected and just, raised such a universal laugh at
the aggressor, that all his assurance was insufficient to support him
under their derision; so that, after he had endeavoured to compose
himself by taking snuff and forcing a smile, he was obliged to sneak
off in a ludicrous attitude, while my Dulcinea was applauded to the
skies for the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquaintance immediately
courted by the best people of both sexes in the room.

This event, with which I was indefinitely pleased at first, did not
fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered, that
the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more her pride
would be inflamed, and consequently, the obstacles to my success
multiplied and enlarged. Nor were my presaging fears untrue. That very
night I perceived her a little intoxicated with the incense she had
received, and, though, she still behaved with a particular civility to
me, I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune should be known, she would
be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some of whom might possibly, by
excelling me on point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery and
scandal, supplant me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother
of his party. I resolved therefore to lose no time, and, being invited
to spend the evening with them, found an opportunity, in spite of the
old gentlewoman’s vigilance, to explain the meaning of my glances in
the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and professing myself enamoured
of her person. She blushed at my declaration and in a favourable manner
disapproved of the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being
strangers to each other, and desiring I would not be the means of
interrupting our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of
gallantry for the future. My ardour was effectually checked by this
reprimand, which was, however, delivered in a gentle manner, that I had
no cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me
from a dilemma in which I should not have known how to demean myself a
minute longer. Neither could I resume the easiness of carriage with
which I came in; my mistress acted on the reserve, and the conversation
beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman of the house,
and proposed a hand at whist.

While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the
gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night at which I
begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the
favour I intended her, assured me she never did dance, but signified a
desire of seeing the company, when I offered my service, which was
accepted, not a little proud of being exempted from appearing with her
in a situation, that, notwithstanding my profession to the contrary,
was not at all agreeable to my inclination.

Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the successive
yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my leave, and went
home, where I made Strap very happy with an account of my progress.
Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs.
Snapper’s, according to appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible
satisfaction, that she was laid up with the toothache, and that Miss
was to be intrusted to my care. Accordingly, we set out for the
ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took possession of a
commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a quarter of an
hour, when a gentleman, dressed in a green frock, came in, leading a
young lady, whom I immediately discovered to be the adorable Narcissa!
Good heaven! what were the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my
reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent of agitation! my heart
throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden mist overspread my eyes, my
ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! I panted for want of breath,
and, in short, was for some moments entranced! This first tumult
subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagination.
Everything, that was soft, sensible, and engaging, in the character of
that dear creature recurred to my remembrance, and every favourable
circumstance of my own qualifications appeared in all the aggravation
of self-conceit, to heighten my expectation! Neither was this transport
of long duration. The dread of her being already disposed of
intervened, and overcast my enchanting reverie! My presaging
apprehension represented her encircled in the arms of some happy rival,
and in consequence for ever lost to me. I was stung with this
suggestion, and, believing the person who conducted her to be the
husband of this amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and
stood up to mark him for my vengeance, when I recollected, to my
unspeakable joy, her brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her
gallant.

Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed in a
frenzy of delight on the irresistible charms of his sister, who no
sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident confusion
afforded a happy omen to my flame. At sight of me she started, the
roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks, and returned in a
moment with a double glow, that overspread her lovely neck, while her
enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. I hailed these favourable
symptoms, and, lying in wait for her looks, did homage with my eyes.
She seemed to approve my declaration, by the complacency of her aspect;
and I was so transported with the discovery, that more than once I was
on the point of making up to her, to disclose the throbbings of my
heart in person, had not that profound veneration, which her presence
always inspired, restrained the unseasonable impulse. All my powers
being engrossed in this manner, it may easily be imagined how ill I
entertained Miss Snapper on whom I could not now turn my eyes, without
making comparisons very little to her advantage. It was not even in my
power to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from time
to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of mind; and
having a turn for observation, watched my glances, and, tracing them to
the divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she might,
however, be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she began to
interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding all my
endeavours to disguise my sentiments, perceived my attachment by my
confusion: upon which, she assumed a stateliness of behaviour, and sat
silent during the remaining part of the entertainment. At any other
time, her suspicion would have alarmed me: but now I was elevated by my
passion above every other consideration. The mistress of my soul having
retired with her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness at my
situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; and, while I
conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to
keep me any longer in torment. I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and
having seen her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went home in
an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything that had happened to my
confidant and humble servant, Strap, who did not relish the accident so
well as I expected; and observed, that a bird in the hand is worth two
in the bush. “But, however,” said he, “you know best—you know best.”
Next day, as, I went to the Pump Room, in hopes of seeing or hearing
some tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who,
having looked hard at me, cried, “O Christ, Mr. Random!” Surprised at
this exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who spoke,
and immediately recognised my old sweetheart and fellow sufferer, Miss
Williams.

I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a
decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so well, and desired
to know where I should have the pleasure of her conversation. She was
as heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave
me to know that she, as yet, had no habitation that she could properly
call her own; but would wait on me at any place I should please to
appoint. Understanding that she was unengaged for the present, I showed
her the way to my lodgings, where, after a very affectionate
salutation, she informed me of her being very happy in the service of a
young lady to whom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased,
into whose family she had recommended herself by the honest deceit she
had concerted, while she lived with me in the garret at London. She
then expressed a vehement desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes
of my life since we parted, and excused her curiosity on account of the
concern she had for my interest. I forthwith gratified her request,
and, when I described my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend
to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted me, when I had
finished that period, with, “Good God! is it possible?” and then begged
I would be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly
as I could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise,
about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture.

When I had brought my adventures down to the present day, who seemed
very much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune; and
saying, with a smile, she believed my distresses were now at a period,
proceeded to inform me that the lady whom she served was no other than
the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with her confidence for
some time; in consequence of which trust, she had often repeated the
story of John Brown with great admiration and regard; that she loved to
dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not scruple to own
a tender approbation of his flame. I became delirious at this piece of
intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the
angel of my happiness, and acted such extravagances, that she might
have been convinced of my sincerity, had she not been satisfied of my
honour before. As soon as was in condition to yield attention, she
described the present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner
reached her lodgings the night before, than she closeted her, and in a
rapture of joy gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball, where
I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with such
advantage of transformation that, unless my image had been engraven on
her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for the person who
had worn her aunt’s livery; that by the language of my eyes, she was
assured of the continuance of my passion for her, and consequently of
my being unengaged to any other; and that, though she did not doubt I
would speedily fall upon some method of being introduced, she was so
impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had been sent abroad
this very morning, on purpose to learn the name and character I at
present bore. My bosom had been hitherto a stranger to such a flood of
joy as now rushed upon it; my faculties were overborne by the tide; it
was some time before I could open my mouth, and much longer ere I could
utter a coherent sentence. At length, I fervently requested her to lead
me immediately to the object of my adoration; but she resisted my
importunity, and explained the danger of such premature conduct. “How
favourable soever,” said she, “my lady’s inclination towards you may
be, you may depend upon it, she will not commit the smallest trespass
on decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration
of your passion: and, although the great veneration I have for you has
prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence, I know
so well the severity of her sentiments with respect to the punctilios
of her sex that, if she should learn the least surmise of it, she would
not only dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of her benevolence, but also
for ever shun the efforts of your love.” I assented to the justness of
her remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her advice and
direction: upon which it was concerted between us, that for the present
I should be contented with her telling Narcissa that, in the course of
her inquiries, she could only learn my name: and that, if, in a day or
two, I could fall upon no other method of being introduced to her
mistress, she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting
her happiness: and say that I met her in the streets, and bribed her to
this piece of service. Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old
acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversation, that my
rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of which he died
five months ago; that the savage was still unmarried and that his aunt
had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the
schoolmaster of the parish for her lord and husband: but matrimony not
agreeing with her constitution she had been hectic and dropsical a good
while, and was now at Bath, in order to drink the waters for the
recovery of her health; that her niece had accompanied her thither at
her request, and attended her with the same affection as before,
notwithstanding the mistake she had committed: and that the nephew, who
had been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his
attendance out of good will, but purely to have an eye on his sister,
lest she should likewise throw herself away without his consent or
approbation. Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an
assignation to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her
leave; and Strap’s looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the
communication subsisting between us, I made him acquainted with the
whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction.




CHAPTER LVI


I become acquainted with Narcissa’s brother, who invites me to his
House, where I am introduced to that adorable Creature—after dinner,
the Squire retires to take his nap—Freeman, guessing the Situation of
my Thought, withdraws likewise, on pretence of Business—I declare my
passion for Narcissa—am well-received—charmed with her Conversation—the
Squire detains us to Supper—I elude his design by a Stratagem, and get
home sober


In the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom I
had been recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes, till
the foxhunter came in, and by his familiar behaviour appeared to be
intimate with my friend. I was, at first, under some concern, lest he
should recollect my features; but when I found myself introduced to him
as a gentleman from London, without being discovered, I blessed the
opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping that, in the
course of my acquaintance, he would invite me to his house; nor were my
hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening together, he grew
extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish
questions about France and foreign parts; and seemed so highly
entertained with my answers, that in his cups he shook me often by the
hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine desired our company
at dinner next day, at his civil house. My imagination was so much
employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy next day, that I
slept very little that night; but, rising early in the morning, went to
the place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to her my
success with the squire. She was very much pleased at the occasion,
“which,” she said, “could not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who,
in spite of her passion for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to
my true situation and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments
suggested, and which she believed I would find it necessary to remove,
though she did not know how.” I was a good deal startled at this
insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely
doing myself justice: for, although it never was my intention to impose
myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, I laid claim to the
character of a gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour; and yet
(so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I should find
it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these,
especially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss Williams was
as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but comforted me with
observing that, when once a woman has bestowed her affections on a man,
she cannot help judging of him in all respects with a partiality easily
influenced in his favour: she remarked that, although some situations
of my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous; that my
indigence had been the crime not of me, but of fortune; and that the
miseries I had undergone, by improving the faculties both of mind and
body, qualified me the more for any dignified station; and would of
consequence recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman: she
therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the inquiries
of my mistress, without unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences
of my fate; and trust to the strength of her love and reflection for
the rest.

The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on
almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine. I thanked her
for the care she took of my interests, and, promising to behave myself
according to her directions we parted, after she had assured me that I
depend upon her best offices with her mistress, and that she would from
time to time communicate to me such intelligence as she could procure,
relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to the best advantage, I
waited for the time of dinner with the most fearful impatience; and, as
the hour drew near, my heart beat with such increased velocity, and my
spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my
resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged. At last Mr. Freeman
called at my lodgings in his way, and I accompanied him to the house
where all my happiness was deposited. We were very kindly received by
the squire, who sat smoking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we
chose to drink any thing before dinner: though I never had more
occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was
also refused, by my friend. We sat down, however, entered into
conversation, which lasted half-an hour, so that I had time to
recollect myself; and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope
that Narcissa would not appear—when, all of a sudden, a servant coming
in, gave us notice that dinner was upon the table, and my perturbation
returned with such violence that I could scarcely conceal it from the
company, as I ascended the staircase. When I entered the dining-room,
the first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the divine Narcissa,
blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness,
innocence, and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness, my
knees tottered and I scarce had strength enough to perform the ceremony
of salutation, when her brother, slapping me on the shoulder, cried,
“Measure Randan, that there is my sister.” I approached her with
eagerness and fear; but in the moment of our embrace, my soul was
agonized with rapture! It was a lucky circumstance for us both, that my
entertainer was not endued with an uncommon stock of penetration; for
our mutual confusion was so manifest that Mr. Freeman perceived it, and
as we went home together, congratulated me on my good fortune. But so
far was Bruin from entertaining the least suspicion, that he encouraged
me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unknown to
him, by telling her, that he had a gentleman who could jabber with her
in French and other foreign lingoes as fast as she pleased; then,
turning to me, said, “Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with
her in your French or Italian, and tell me if she understands it as
well as she would be thought to do. There’s her aunt and she will
chatter together whole days in it, and I can’t have a mouthful of
English for love or money.” I consulted the look of my amiable mistress
and found her averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a
sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to
that part of the company which did not understand the language in
question. As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted
my eyes much more than my palate which she tempted in vain with the
most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by her
persuasive tongue; but all my other appetites were swallowed up in
immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on the
delightful object. Dinner was scarcely ended, when the squire became
very drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched
himself, took two or three turns across the room, begged we would allow
him to take a short nap, and, having laid a strong injunction on his
sister to detain us till his return, went to his repose without further
ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes, when Freeman, guessing the
situation of my heart, and thinking he could not do me a greater favour
than to leave me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself
all of a sudden, and, starting up, begged the lady pardon for
half-an-hour, for he had unluckily remembered an engagement of some
consequence, that he must perform at that instant: so saying, he took
his leave, promising to come back time enough for tea, leaving my
mistress and me in great confusion.

Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the paintings of my
soul, I had not the power to use it. I studied many pathetic
declarations, but, when I attempted to give them utterance, my tongue
denied its office and she sat silent with a downcast look full of
anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some great event.
At length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause, and began
with, “It is very surprising, madam, madam”—here the sound dying away,
I made a full stop; while Narcissa, starting, blushed, and, with a
timid accent answered, “Sir?” Confounded at this note of interrogation,
I pronounced with the most sheepish bashfulness, “Madam!” To which she
replied, “I beg pardon—I thought you had spoken to me.” Another pause
ensued—I made another effort, and, though my voice faltered very much
at the beginning, made shift to express myself in this manner: “I say,
madam, it is very surprising that love should act so inconsistently
with itself, as to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties,
when they have most need of them. Since the happy occasion of being
alone with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts
to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex—a passion which took
possession of my soul, while my cruel fate compelled me to wear a
servile disguise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let me add,
my deserts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished me with
opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfections. Yes, madam, it
was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired
in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me against a thousand
dangers and calamities!”

While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan, and when I
ceased speaking, recovering herself from the most beautiful confusion,
told me she thought herself very much obliged by my favourable opinion
of her, and that she was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate.
Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself sufficiently
recompensed by her kind compassion for what I had undergone, and
declared the future happiness of my life depended solely upon her.
“Sir,” said she, “I should be very ungrateful, if after the signal
protection you once afforded me, I should refuse to contribute towards
your happiness in any reasonable condescension.” Transported at this
acknowledgment I threw myself at her feet, and begged she would regard
my passion with a favourable eye. She was alarmed at my behaviour,
entreated me to rise lest her brother should discover me in that
posture, and to spare her for the present upon a subject for which she
was altogether unprepared. In consequence of this remonstrance, I rose,
assuring her I would rather die than disobey her: but in the meantime
begged her to consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity
were, and what restraint I put upon my inclinations, in sacrificing
them to her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said
there would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the
good opinion her brother had conceived of me, and I, enchanted by her
charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses. But
she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and desired I
would not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger the esteem she
had for me; she reminded me of our being almost strangers to each
other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing me better, before
she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in short, mingled so
much good sense and complacency in her reproof, that I became as much
enamoured of her understanding as I had been before of her beauty, and
asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost reverence of
conviction. She forgave my offence with her usual affability, and
sealed my pardon with a look so full of bewitching tenderness, that,
for some minutes, my senses were lost in ecstacy! I afterwards
endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according to her desire, and turn
the conversation upon a more indifferent subject; but her presence was
an insurmountable obstacle to my design; while I beheld so much
excellence, I found it impossible to call my attention from the
contemplation of it! I gazed with unutterable fondness! I grew mad with
admiration! “My condition is insupportable!” cried I: “I am distracted
with passion! Why are you so exquisitely fair?—why are you so
enchantingly good?—why has nature dignified you with charms so much
above the standard of woman? and, wretch that I am, how dare my
unworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of such perfection!”

She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by her
irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil
felicity; but, lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted
other subjects to entertain my imagination. She chid me for having
omitted to inquire about her aunt who (she assured me), in the midst of
all her absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs, often
talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration for the
good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to the violence of my
love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know the situation
of her health. Upon which, the amiable Narcissa repeated what I had
heard before of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her
reputation that the subject would admit of; told me she lived with her
husband hard by, and was so much afflicted with the dropsy, and wasted
by a consumption, that she had small hopes of her recovery. Having
expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I questioned her about my good
friend, Mrs. Sagely, who, I learned to my great satisfaction, was in
good health, and who had by the encomiums she bestowed upon me after I
was gone, confirmed the favourable impression my behaviour at parting
had made on Narcissa’s heart. This circumstance introduced an inquiry
into the conduct of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had
found means to incense her brother so much against me that she found it
impossible to undeceive him: but, on the contrary, suffered very much
in her own character by his scandalous insinuations; that the whole
parish was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been
in the utmost consternation on my account, well knowing how little my
own innocence and her testimony would have weighed with the ignorance,
prejudice, and brutality of those who must have judged me, had I been
apprehended; that Sir Timothy, having been seized with a fit of
apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was recovered, began to
be apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that
great event; as a step to which he sent for her brother, owned with
great contrition the brutal design he had upon her, and in consequence
acquitted me of the assault, robbery, and correspondence with her,
which he had laid to my charge; after which confession he lived about a
month in a languishing condition, and was carried off by a second
assault.

Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains with which
she held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, and the
tempest of my passion to wake again, when the return of Freeman
destroyed the tempting opportunity, and enabled me to quell the rising
tumult. A little while after, the squire staggered into the room,
rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank out of a small
bowl, qualified with brandy; while we took it in the usual way,
Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt; and when Freeman and I
proposed to take our leave, the foxhunter insisted on our spending the
evening at his house with such obstinacy of affection, that we were
obliged to comply. For my own part, I should have been glad of the
invitation, by which, in all likelihood, I should be blessed with more
of his sister’s company, had I not been afraid of risking her esteem,
by entering into a debauch of drinking with him, which, from the
knowledge of his character, I foresaw would happen: but there was no
remedy. I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution,
which I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the squire’s, and
to trust to the good nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.

Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be
furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we
absolutely refused to set in for drinking so soon; and prevailed upon
him to pass away an hour or two at whist, in which we engaged as soon
as Narcissa returned. The savage and I happened to be partners at
first, and, as my thoughts were wholly employed in a more interesting
game, I played so ill that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, and
threatened to call for wine, if they would not grant him another
associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a
side; he won for the same reason that made him lose before; I was
satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and the time slipped away
very agreeably, until we were told that supper was served in another
room.

The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, and
wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the
flames with many execrations; threatening to make us redeem our loss
with a large glass and quick circulation; and indeed we had no sooner
supped, and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to put his threat in
execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank no other sort of wine)
were placed before us, with as many water glasses, which were
immediately filled to the brim, after his example, by each out of his
respective allowance, and emptied in a trice to the best in
Christendom. Though I swallowed this, and the next, as fast as the
glass could be replenished, without hesitation or show of reluctance, I
perceived that my brain would not be able to bear many bumpers of this
sort, and dreading the perseverance of a champion who began with such
vigour, I determined to make up for the deficiency of my strength by a
stratagem, which I actually put in practice when the second course of
bottles was called for. The wine being strong and heady, I was already
a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had made. Freeman’s eyes
began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which he
uttered with great vociferation. When I therefore saw the second round
brought in, I assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on
the subject of drinking, which, though he did rot understand it,
delighted him highly; and, telling him your choice spirits at Paris
never troubled themselves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or
cup in the house that would contain a whole quart of wine. “Odds
niggers!” cried he, “I have a silver candle cup that holds just the
quantity, for all the world; fetch it hither, Numps.” The vessel being
produced, I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he having done, I
nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said, “Pledge you.” He stared
at me for some time, and crying, “What! all at one pull, Measter
Randan?” I answered, “At one pull, Sir, you are no milk-sop—we shall do
you justice.” “Shall you?” said he, shaking me by the hand; “odds then,
I’ll see it out, an’t were a mile to the bottom: here’s to our better
acquaintance, measter Randan,” So saying, he applied it to his lips,
and emptied it in a breath. I knew the effect of it would be almost
instantaneous; therefore taking the cup, began to discharge my bottle
into it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cham of
Tartary. I had no sooner pronounced these words than he took umbrage at
them, and after several attempts to spit, made shift to stutter, “A f—t
for your Chams of T—Tartary! I am a f—f—freeborn Englishman, worth
th—three thousand a-year, and v—value no man, d—me.” Then, dropping his
jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hiccuped aloud, and fell upon the floor as
mute as a flounder. Mr. Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted
me in carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his
servants, and went home to our respective habitations, congratulating
each other on our good fortune.




CHAPTER LVII


Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa’s Approbation of my Flame—I
appease the Squire—write to my Mistress—am blessed with an Answer—beg
Leave of her Brother to dance with her at a Ball—obtain his Consent and
hers—enjoy a private Conversation with her—am perplexed with
Reflections—have the Honour of appearing her Partner at a Ball—we are
complimented by a certain Nobleman—he discovers some Symptoms of a
Passion for Narcissa—I am stung with Jealousy—Narcissa, alarmed,
retires—I observe Melinda in the company—the Squire is captivated by
her Beauty


I was met next morning at the usual place by Miss Williams, who gave me
joy of the progress I had made in the affection of her mistress, and
blessed me with an account of that dear creature’s conversation with
her, after she had retired the night before from our company. I could
scarce believe her information, when she recounted her expressions in
my favour, so much more warm and passionate were they than my most
sanguine hopes had presaged; and was particularly pleased to hear that
she approved of my behaviour to her brother after she withdrew.
Transported at the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the
messenger as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was
above such mercenary considerations, and refused my compliment with
some resentment, saying, she was not a little mortified to see my
opinion of her so low and contemptible. I did myself a piece of justice
by explaining my behaviour on this head, and to convince her of my
esteem, promised to be ruled by her directions in the prosecution of
the whole affair, which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my
life depended upon the consequence.

As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the
effusion of my love without danger of being interrupted, and perhaps
reap some endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her
advice and assistance in promoting this event: but she gave me to
understand, that Narcissa would make no precipitate compliances of this
kind, and I would do well to cultivate her brother’s acquaintance, in
the course of which I should not want opportunities of removing that
reserve which my mistress thought herself obliged to maintain during
the infancy of our correspondence. In the meantime she promised to tell
her lady that I had endeavoured by presents and persuasions, to prevail
upon her (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me, which she had
refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa’s
sentiments of the matter; and said, by these means she did not doubt of
being able to open a literary communication between us, which could not
fail of introducing more intimate connections.

I approved of her counsel, and, our appointment being renewed for the
next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method of being
reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the
trick we had put upon him. With this view I consulted Freeman, who,
from his knowledge of the foxhunter’s disposition, assured me there was
no other method of pacifying him, than that of sacrificing ourselves
for one night to an equal match with him in drinking. This expedient I
found myself necessitated to comply with for the interest of my
passion, and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my own
lodgings, that I might run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa, in
a state of brutal degeneracy. Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party,
went, at my desire, to the squire, in order to engage him, while I took
care to furnish myself for his reception. My invitation was accepted,
my guests honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin
gave me to understand that he had drunk many tons of wine in his life,
but was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night
before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and, having ordered to
every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of
Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great devotion, the liquor began
to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and, as Freeman said, I had the
advantage of drinking small French claret, the savage was effectually
tamed before our senses were in the least affected, and carried home in
an apoplexy of drunkenness.

I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and
punctual confidante, who, telling me she was permitted to receive my
letters for her mistress, I took up the pen immediately, and, following
the first dictates of my passion, wrote as follows:

“Dear Madam,
    “Were it possible for the powers of utterance to reveal the soft
    emotions of my soul, the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes, the
    chilling flame, that rule my breast by turns, I should need no
    other witness than this paper, to evince the purity and ardour of
    that flame your charms have kindled in my heart, But alas!
    expression wrongs my love! I am inspired with conceptions that no
    language can convey! Your beauty fills me with wonder, your
    understanding with ravishment, and your goodness with adoration! I
    am transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and tortured
    with impatience. Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of my fate, to
    approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my passion to
    your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a heart overflowing with the
    most genuine and disinterested love, to gaze with ecstacy on the
    divine object of my wishes, to hear the music of her enchanting
    tongue, and to rejoice in her smiles of approbation, which will
    banish the most intolerable suspense from the bosom of


“Your enraptured, R— R—.”


Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my
faithful friend, with an injunction to second my entreaty with all her
eloquence and influence, and in the meantime went to dress, with an
intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly
neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, since my dear Narcissa had
resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman received me very
kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety which, however, I
could easily perceive was forced and dissembled: among other things,
she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa, which she
averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to dance with her at the
next assembly. I was a good deal concerned to find myself become the
town talk on this subject, lest the squire, having notice of my
inclinations, should disapprove of them, and, by breaking off all
correspondence with me, deprive me of the opportunities I now enjoyed.
But I resolved to use the interest I had with him, while it lasted; and
that very night, meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to
solicit her company at the ball, which he very readily granted, to my
inexpressible satisfaction.

Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night by a thousand
delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up by
times, and, flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the
pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on her
countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was I
mistaken in my presage. She presented me with a letter from the idol of
my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened with the
utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in these terms:

“Sir,
    “To say I look upon you with indifference would be a piece of
    dissimulation which I think no decorum requires, and no custom can
    justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue was
    ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased with
    your passion; confident of your integrity, and so well convinced of
    my own discretion, that I should not hesitate in granting you the
    interview you desire, were I not overawed by the prying curiosity
    of a malicious world, the censure of which might be fatally
    prejudicial to the reputation of


“Your Narcissa.”


No anchorite in the ecstacy of devotion ever adored a relic with more
fervour than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my
charmer’s candour, generosity, and affection! I read it over a hundred
times, was ravished with her confession in the beginning; but the
subscription of Your Narcissa yielded me such delight as I had never
felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss Williams, who
blessed me with a repetition of her lady’s tender expressions in my
favour, when she received and read my letter. In short, I had all the
reason in the world to believe that this gentle creature’s bosom was
possessed by a passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous
as mine for her.

I informed my friend of the squire’s consent to my dancing with
Narcissa at the ball and desired her to tell her mistress, that I would
do myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon, in consequence
of his permission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent as her brother
had been complaisant in that particular. Miss Williams expressed a good
deal of joy at hearing I was so much in favour with the foxhunter, and
ventured to assure me, that my visit would be very agreeable to my
mistress, the rather because Bruin was engaged to dine abroad. This was
a circumstance which, I scarce need say, pleased me. I went immediately
to the Long Room, where I found him, and, affecting to know nothing of
his engagement, told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon
him in the afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the
ball. He shook me by the hand, according to custom, and, giving me to
understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink tea
with Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for my visit
in the meantime.

Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible
impatience for the time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened to the
scene, which my fancy had preoccupied long before. I was introduced
accordingly to the dear enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss
Williams, who, on pretence of ordering tea, retired at my approach.
This favourable accident, which alarmed my whole soul, disordered her
also. I found myself actuated by an irresistible impulse; I advanced to
her with eagerness and awe; and, profiting by the confusion that
prevailed over her, clasped the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a
glowing kiss upon her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy
rosebud just bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered
with blushes, her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her
feet, and implored her pardon. Her love became advocate in my cause;
her look softened into forgiveness; she raised me up, and chid me with
so much sweetness of displeasure that I could have been tempted to
repeat the offence, had not the coming in of the servant with the
tea-board prevented my presumption. While we were subject to be
interrupted or overheard, we conversed about the approaching ball, at
which she promised to grace me as a partner, but, when the equipage was
removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more interesting theme,
and expressed myself with such transport and agitation, that my
mistress, fearing I should commit some extravagance, rang the bell for
her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a check upon my vivacity. I
was not sorry for this precaution, because I could unbosom myself
without reserve before Miss Williams, who was the confidante of us
both. I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of my passion, which
operated so successfully upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that
she laid aside the constraint she had hitherto worn, and blessed me
with the most melting declaration of her mutual flame! It was
impossible for me to forbear taking the advantage of this endearing
condescension. She now gently yielded to my embraces; while I,
encircling all that I held dear within my arms, tasted in advance the
joys of that paradise I hoped in a little time wholly to possess! We
spent the afternoon in all the ecstacy of hope that the most fervent
love exchanged by mutual vows could inspire; and Miss Williams was so
much affected with our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad
remembrance of what she was, that her eyes were filled with tears.

The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the dear
object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at parting,
and, repairing to my lodgings, communicated to my friend Strap every
circumstance of my happiness, which filled him with so much pleasure,
that it ran over at his eyes; and he prayed heartily, that no envious
devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of blessing from my lip. When I
reflected on what had happened, and especially on the unreserved
protestations of Narcissa’s love, I could not help being amazed at her
omitting to inquire into the particular circumstances of life and
fortune of one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to
be a little anxious about the situation of her finances; well knowing
that I should do an irreparable injury to the person my soul held most
dear, if I should espouse her without being able to support her in the
rank which was certainly her due. I had heard, indeed, while I served
her aunt, that her father had left her a considerable sum; and that
everybody believed she would inherit the greatest part of her
kinswoman’s dowry, but I did not know how far she might be restricted
by the old gentleman’s will in the enjoyment of what he left her: and I
was too well informed of the virtuoso’s late conduct, to think my
mistress could have any expectation from that quarter. I confided,
however, in the good sense and policy of my charmer, who, I was sure,
would not consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully
considered and provided for the consequence.

The ball night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had reserved
for some grand occasion; and, having drunk tea with Narcissa and her
brother, conducted my angel to the scene, where she, in a moment,
eclipsed all her female competitors for beauty, and attracted the
admiration of the whole assembly. My heart dilated with pride on this
occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we had danced
together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his figure, and influence
in the beau monde, came up, and in the hearing of all present, honoured
us with a very particular compliment upon our accomplishments and
appearance; but this transport was soon checked, when I perceived his
lordship attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress, and say
some warm things, which, I thought, savoured too much of passion. It
was then I began to feel the pangs of jealousy; I dreaded the power and
address of my rival; I sickened at his discourse; when she opened her
lips to answer, my heart died within me; when she smiled, I felt the
pains of the damned! I was enraged at his presumption: I cursed her
complaisance: at length he quitted her, and went to the other side of
the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed me,
put some questions to me as soon as he was gone, to which I made no
reply, but assumed a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of
my breast, and surprised her not a little. She no sooner observed my
emotion than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me? but before I
could make answer, her brother, pulling me by the sleeve, bade me take
notice of a lady who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, to my vast
astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied by her mother,
and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. “Wounds! Mr. Randan,”
cried the squire, “is she not a delicate piece of stuff? ’Sdeath! I
have a good mind—if I thought she was a single person.”

Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough to
foresee that my passion might suffer greatly by the presence of this
lady, who, in all probability, would revenge herself upon me, for
having formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to my prejudice. I
was therefore alarmed at these symptoms of the Squire’s admiration; and
for some time did not know what reply to make, when he asked my opinion
of her beauty; at length I came to a determination, and told him that
her name was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand pounds,
and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain lord, who
deferred his nuptials a few months, until he should be of age. I
thought this piece of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would
have hindered him effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of
her; but I was egregiously mistaken. The foxhunter had too much
self-sufficiency to despair of success against any competitor on earth.
He therefore made light of her engagement, saying, with a smile of
self-approbation, “Mayhap she will change her mind; what signifies his
being a lord? I think myself as good a man as e’er a lord in
Christendom, and I’ll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year
won’t serve her turn.” This determination startled me not a little; I
knew he would soon discover the contrary of what I advanced; and as I
believed he would find her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of
meeting with every obstacle in my amour that her malice could invent,
and her influence execute. This reflection increased my chagrin—my
vexation was evident. Narcissa insisted on going home immediately: and,
as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full of
languishment, directed to her a profound bow, which stung me to the
soul. Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of
concern, what was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more
than “By heaven, I am distracted!”




CHAPTER LVIII


Tortured with Jealousy, I go Home, and abuse Strap—receive a Message
from Narcissa, in Consequence of which I hasten to her Apartment, where
her endearing Assurances banish all my Doubts and Apprehensions—in my
Retreat discover Somebody in the Dark, whom, suspecting to be a Spy, I
resolve to kill, but, to my great Surprise, am convinced of his being
no other than Strap—Melinda slanders me—I become acquainted with Lord
Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me with regard to Narcissa—the
Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and grows cold towards me—I learn
from my Confidante, that this Nobleman professes honourable Love to my
Mistress, who continues faithful to me, notwithstanding the scandalous
Reports she had heard to my Prejudice—I am mortified with an Assurance
that her whole Fortune depends upon the Pleasure of her Brother—Mr.
Freeman condoles me on the Decline of my Character, which I vindicate
so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat Fame on my
behalf


Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home in
the condition of a frantic Bedlamite: and, finding the fire in my
apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, whose
ear I pinched with such violence, that he roared hideously with pain;
and, when I quitted my hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no
unconcerned spectator could have seen him without being seized with an
immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon sensible of the
injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I had committed;
upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said, “I forgive you,
and may God forgive you!” But he could not help shedding some tears at
my unkindness. I felt unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed
my own ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my
soul, in its present disturbance, could not bear. It set all my
passions into a ferment: I swore horrible oaths without meaning or
application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked the chairs about the room,
and played abundance of mad pranks that frightened my friend almost out
of his senses. At length my transport subsided, I became melancholy,
and wept insensibly.

During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the appearance of
Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted into
the chamber without giving me previous notice of her approach. She was
extremely affected with my condition, which she had learned from him,
begged me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow
her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith. That dear name
operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and, without opening my
lips, was conducted into her apartment through the garden, which we
entered by a private door. I found the adorable creature in tears; I
was melted at the sight—we continued silent for some time—my heart was
too full to speak—her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; at last
she sobbing cried, “What have I done to disoblige you?” My heart was
pierced with the tender question. I drew near with the utmost reverence
of affection. I fell upon my knees before her, and, kissing her hand,
exclaimed, “Oh! thou art all goodness and perfection! I am undone by
want of merit; I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which heaven hath
destined for the arms of some more favourite being.” She guessed the
cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and gave me
such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts
and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned within my
breast.

At midnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, and, being let out by
Miss Williams at the garden gate by which I entered, began to explore
my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that
of a baboon when he mews and chatters. I turned instantly, and,
perceiving something black, concluded I was discovered by some spy,
employed to watch for that purpose; aroused at this conjecture, by
which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa appeared in jeopardy, I
drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her fame, had not the
voice of Strap restrained my arm, it was with great difficulty he could
pronounce, “D—d—d-do! mum—um—um—murder me if you please.” Such an
effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a pair
of castanets. Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his
consternation, and asked what brought him thither? Upon which he gave
me to understand, that his concern for me had induced him to follow me
to that place, where the same reason had detained him till now, and he
frankly owned, that, in spite of the esteem he had for Miss Williams he
began to be very uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which
I went abroad; and, if I had stayed much longer, would certainly have
alarmed the neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his
intention confounded me. I represented to him the mischievous
consequences that would have attended such a rash action, and,
cautioning him severely against any such design for the future,
concluded my admonition with an assurance, that, in case he should ever
act so madly, I would, without hesitation, put him to death. “Have a
little patience!” cried he, in a lamentable tone; “your displeasure
will do the business, without your committing murder.” I was touched
with this reproach; and, as soon as we got home, made it my business to
appease him, by explaining the cause of that transport during which I
had used him so unworthily.

Next day when I went into the Long Room, I observed several whispers
circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had been busy
with my character; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa,
upon which I rested with the most perfect confidence; and going up to
the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected rival, who,
with an easy politeness, entered into conversation with me, and,
desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me with tea and
chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against his insinuating
behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he artfully turned the
discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured by hinting at an intrigue he
pretended to be engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connection there
was between her and me. But all his finesse was ineffectual, I was
convinced of his dissimulation, and gave such general answers to his
inquiries, that he was forced to drop the subject, and talk of
something else.

While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another
gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship, and he was received with
such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded the courtier
intended to use him in some shape or other; and from thence I drew an
unlucky omen. But I had more cause to be dismayed the following day,
when I saw the squire in company with Melinda and her mother, who
honoured me with several disdainful glances; and when I afterwards
threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial shake of the hand, he
returned my salute with a cold repetition of “Servant, servant!” which
he pronounced with such indifference or rather contempt, that if he had
not been Narcissa’s brother, I should have affronted him in public.

These occurrences disturbed me not a little; I foresaw the brooding
storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but Narcissa,
being at stake, I was far from being resigned. I could have renounced
every other comfort of life with some degree of fortitude, but the
prospect of losing her disabled all my philosophy, and tortured my soul
into madness.

Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult, which did
not abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having professed
honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely mistress by her
brother, who had, at the same time, from the information of Melinda,
spoken of me as an Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or
estate; who supported myself in the appearance of a gentleman by
sharping and other infamous practices; and who was of such an obscure
origin, that I did not even know my own extraction. Though I expected
all this malice, I could not hear it with temper, especially as truth
was so blended with falsehood in the assertion, that it would be almost
impossible to separate the one from the other in my vindication. But I
said nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had
been affected with the discovery. That generous creature, far from
believing these imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn with her
confidante, than she inveighed with great warmth against the
malevolence of the world, to which only she ascribed the whole of what
had been said to my disadvantage, and, calling every circumstance of my
behaviour to her into review before her, found everything so polite,
honourable, and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least
doubt of my being the gentleman I assumed. “I have indeed,” said she,
“purposely forborne to ask the particulars of his life, lest the
recapitulation of some misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give
him pain; and, as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally
afraid of inquiring into it, and of discovering the state of my own,
lest we should find ourselves both unhappy in the explanation; for,
alas! my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my marrying
with my brother’s consent.”

I was thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my eyes,
the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of
universal trepidation! My female friend, perceiving my disorder,
encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa’s constancy, and the hope of
some accident favourable to our love; and, as a further consolation,
gave me to understand, that she had acquainted my mistress with the
outlines of my life: and that, although she was no stranger to the
present low state of my finances, her love and esteem were rather
increased than diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances. I was
greatly comforted by this assurance, which saved me a world of
confusion and anxiety; for I must have imparted my situation one day to
Narcissa, and this task I could not have performed without shame and
disorder.

As I did not doubt that by this time the scandalous aspersions of
Melinda were diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my whole
strength of assurance, to browbeat the efforts of her malice, and to
publish her adventure with the frenchified barber by way of reprisal.
In the meantime, having promised to be at the garden-gate about
midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me repose myself
entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was as perfect as
inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was visited by Freeman, who came on
purpose to inform me of the infamous stories that were raised at my
expense. I heard them with great temper, and in my turn disclosed
everything that had happened between Melinda and me; and among other
circumstances entertained him with the story of the barber, letting him
know what share his friend Banter had in that affair. He was convinced
of the injury my reputation had suffered; and, no longer doubting the
fountain from whence this deluge of slander had flowed upon me,
undertook to undeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back
upon its source; but in the meantime, cautioned me from appearing in
public, while the prepossession was so strong against me, lest I should
meet with some affront that might have bad consequences.




CHAPTER LIX


I receive an extraordinary Message at the Door of the Long Room, which,
however, enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to take the Law
of me—Rebuke Melinda for her Malice—she weeps with Vexation—Lord
Quiverwit is severe upon me—I retort his Sarcasm—am received with the
utmost Tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to hear the Story of my
Life—we vow eternal Constancy to other—I retire—am waked by a
Messenger, who brings a Challenge from Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage,
and vanquish


I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment
would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order to do
justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance, than I
sallied out, and went directly to the Long Room. I was met at the door
by a servant, who presented a billet to me without a subscription,
importing that my presence was disagreeable to the company, and
desiring I would take the hint without further disturbance, and bestow
myself elsewhere for the future. This peremptory message filled me with
indignation. I followed the fellow who delivered it, and, seizing him
by the collar in presence of all the company, threatened to put him
instantly to death, if he did not discover the scoundrel who had
charged him with such an impudent commission, that I might punish him
as he deserved. The messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious
looks, fell upon his knees, and told me, that the gentleman who ordered
him to deliver the letter was no other than Narcissa’s brother, who, at
that time, stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda. I
went up to him immediately, and in the hearing of his inamorata,
accosted him in these words; “Lookee, squire, were it not for one
consideration that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you
where you stand, for having had the presumption to send me this
scurrilous intimation;” which I tore to pieces and threw in his face:
at the same time darting an angry regard at his mistress, I told her, I
was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon her
invention, but at the expense of her good nature and veracity. Her
admirer, whose courage never rose, but in proportion to the wine he had
swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called an
honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an assault, and took
witnesses accordingly: while she, piqued at his pusillanimous
behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered against her,
endeavoured to make her quarrel a public cause, and wept aloud with
spite and vexation.

The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and concern
of the spectators to whom she complained of my rudeness with great
bitterness, saying, if she were a man, I durst not use her so. The
greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced against me, were
offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared from their looks;
though none of them signified their disgust any other way except my
Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with a sneer, that I was in the
right to establish my own character, of which he had now no longer any
doubt. Nettled at this severe equivocation, which raised a laugh at my
expense, I replied with some warmth, “I am proud of having in that
particular got the start of your lordship.” He made no answer to my
repartee, but with a contemptuous smile walked off, leaving me in a
very disagreeable situation. In vain did I make up to several people of
my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my
confusion; everybody shunned me like a person infected, and I should
not have been able to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever
faithful and fond Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my
mortification, and, sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my
contemplation, when I found myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I
entered, and purchased a ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart,
surrounded by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending
it for a present to the charmer of my soul.

I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who,
notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with
the utmost confidence and tenderness; and, having been informed of the
general sketches of my life by Miss Williams, expressed a desire, of
knowing the particular circumstances, which I related with great
candour, omitting, however, some things which I concluded altogether
improper for her ear, and which the reader’s reflection will easily
suggest. As my story was little else than a recital of misfortunes, the
tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle from her enchanting eyes during
the whole of the narration, which, when I had finished, she recompensed
me for my trouble with the most endearing protestations of eternal
love. She bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of
retarding my happiness; told me that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother’s
permission, had been to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and
actually proposed marriage; and, seeing me extremely affected with this
piece of information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her
affection, by espousing me in private, and leaving the rest to fate. I
was penetrated with this instance of her regard, but, that I might not
be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation in
consideration of her honour and interest; at the same time I presented
my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and, on my knees,
implored Heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart
should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I then avowed. She
received my token, gave me in return her picture in miniature,
exquisitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the same posture, called
Heaven to witness and to judge her flame. Our vows being thus
reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and our mutual
fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew
insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before I could
tear myself from this darling of my soul! My good angel foresaw what
would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on this occasion, in
consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed to suffer.

I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and, having slept
about two hours, was waked by Strap, who in great confusion told me
there was a footman below with a letter, which he would deliver to
nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece of news, I desired my friend
to show him into my chamber, and received the following letter, which,
he said, required an immediate answer:

“Sir,—
    “When any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank between
    us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the privilege of my
    quality, and to seek reparation from him on equal terms. The
    insolence of your reply to me yesterday, in the Long Room, I might
    have overlooked, had not your presumptive emulation in a much more
    interesting affair, and which I made this morning, concurred in
    persuading me to chastise your audacity with my sword. If you
    therefore have spirit enough to support the character you assume,
    you will not fail to follow the bearer immediately to a convenient
    place, where you shall be met by


“Quiverwit.”


Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by
the superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never had less
inclination to fight than at this time. However, finding there was a
necessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress, as well as for
asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and, dressing in a hurry,
put on my sword, bade Strap attend me, and set out with my conductor,
cursing my bad fortune all the way, for having been observed in my
return from my angel; for so I interpreted his lordship’s discovery.
When I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told me he had orders
to stop; upon which I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked
forward; resolving, if possible, to come to an explanation with my
challenger, before we should come to battle. Nor was an opportunity
wanting; for I no sooner approached than he asked, with a stern
countenance, what business I had in Mr. Topehall’s garden so early in
the morning? “I don’t know, my lord,” said I, “how to answer a question
put to me with such magisterial haughtiness. If your lordship will
please to expostulate calmly, you will have no cause to repent of your
condescension; otherwise I am not to be intimated into any confession.”
“There is no room for denial,” answered he; “I saw you come out with my
own eyes.” “Did any other see me?” said I. “I neither know nor care,”
said he; “I want no other evidence than that of my own senses.” Pleased
to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to
appease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with the waiting maid: but
he had too much discernment to be so easily imposed upon, and told me
there was only one way to convince him of the truth of what I alleged,
which was no other than renouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and
promising, upon honour, never to speak to her for the future.
Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, “Heavens!
what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose such terms on me?”
He did the same, and making towards me with a contracted brow, said I
was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa. “He’s a villain,” I
replied, in a transport of fury, “who brands me with that imputation!
She is a thousand times more chaste than the mother that bore you; and
I will assert her honour with my heart’s blood!” So saying, I rushed
upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavouring to get
within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage.
He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means he parried
my thrusts with great calmness, until I had almost exhausted my
spirits; and, when he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me
fiercely in his turn. Finding himself, however, better opposed than he
expected, he resolved to follow his lounge, and close with me;
accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side of the breast
bone, and, running up between my shirt and skin, appeared over my left
shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had perforated my lungs, and of
consequence that the wound was mortal; therefore, determined not to die
unrevenged, I seized his shell, which was close to my breast, before he
could disentangle his point, and, keeping it fast with my left hand,
shortened my own sword with my right, intending to run him through the
heart; but he received the thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up
to the shoulder blade. Disappointed at this expectation, and afraid
still that death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and,
being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his
sword out of his hand, and, so great was my confusion, that instead of
turning the point upon him, struck out three of his foreteeth with the
hilt. In the meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran up to separate
and assist us; but before their approach I was upon my feet, and had
discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight scratch. The
knowledge of my own safety disarmed me of a good deal of my resentment,
and I began to inquire with some concern into the situation of my
antagonist, who remained on the ground bleeding plentifully at his
mouth and arm. I helped his footman to raise him, and, having bound up
his wound with my handkerchief, assured it was not dangerous; I
likewise restored his sword, and offered to support him to his house.
He thanked me with an air of sullen dignity: and whispering that I
should hear from him soon, went away, leaning on his servant’s
shoulder.

I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat, and
resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever
advantage fortune might give me over him in another manner. In the
meantime I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite
stupified with horror: I comforted him with an assurance, that I had
received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair as we
walked homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment, I found the
wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of clotted blood ran
down upon my shirt; upon which I pulled off my coat and waistcoat, and
unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it with more ease. My friend
no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with blood, than, imagining I
had got at least twenty thousand wounds, he cried, “O Jesus!” and fell
flat on the floor. I stopped the bleeding with a little dry lint, and,
applying a plaster over it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted, and
dressed, while he lay senseless at my feet, so that when he recovered,
and saw me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes. Now
that the danger was passed, I was very well pleased with what had
happened, hoping that it would soon become known, and consequently
dignify my character not a little in this place. I was also proud of
having shown myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa,
who, I was persuaded, would not think the worse of me for what I had
done.




CHAPTER LX


I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in Public, and am
caressed—am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose Presence I quit
flung—Narcissa is carried off by her Brother—I intend to pursue him,
and am dissuaded by my Friend—engage in Play, and lose all my Money—set
out for London—try my Fortune at the Gaming Table without
success—receive a letter from Narcissa—bilk my Tailor


While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the
duel, being communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the
town. I was visited by Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding
me; for it was told, that Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I
had absconded, in order to avoid the cognizance of the law. I asked, if
people guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and, understanding it was
attributed to his lordship’s resentment of my reply in the Long Room,
confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected. My
friend, after I had assured him that my antagonist was in no danger,
wished me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen
more opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character to
his friends, among whom he had been very assiduous in my behalf.

On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house,
where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons who had
shunned me the preceding day; and I found everybody making merry with
the story of Melinda’s French gallant. While I remained in this place,
I received a message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if I were not
engaged, to see me at his house.

Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment where
I was received by his lordship in bed. When we were left by ourselves,
he thanked me in very polite terms for having used the advantage
fortune had given me over him with such moderation, and asked pardon
for any offence his resentment might have prompted him to commit. “I
would willingly,” said he, “make you my friend; but, as it is
impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for Narcissa, I am too
well convinced of your sentiments, to think we shall ever agree on that
subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to
own candidly, that I cannot help opposing your success with that young
lady; though, at the same time I promise to regulate my opposition by
the dictates of justice and honour. This, however, I think proper to
advertise you of, that she has no independent fortune; and, if you
should even succeed in your addresses, you will have the mortification
to see her reduced to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support
her—and I am credibly informed of your incapacity that way—nay, I will
confess, that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent notice
to her brother of the progress I suspect you have made in her
affection, and desired him to take his precautions accordingly.”
Alarmed and provoked at this information, I told his lordship, that I
did not see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his
profession of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion.

As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as usual by
means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the waving of a
handkerchief from the window of a coach-and-six that passed by me at
full speed: and upon further observation, I saw a servant on horseback
riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belonged to the squire.
Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge of my misfortune
rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed immediately that the
signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, who, being hurried away
in consequence of Lord Quiverwit’s message to her brother, had no other
method of relating her distress, and imploring my assistance. Frantic
with this conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my pistols, and
ordered Strap to get post-horses, with such incoherence of speech and
disorder, that the poor valet, terrified with the suspicion of another
duel, instead of providing what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman,
who, being informed of my behaviour, came straight to my apartment, and
conjured me so pathetically to make him acquainted with the cause of my
uneasiness, that I could not refuse telling him my happiness was fled
with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented
the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me from
it with great strength of friendship and reason. But all his arguments
would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the
dependence I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and the attachment
of her maid, who could not fail of finding opportunities to advertise
me of their situation; and at the same time demonstrated the injury my
charmer’s reputation must suffer from my precipitate retreat. I was
convinced and composed by these considerations: I appeared in public
with an air of tranquillity, was well received by the best company in
town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly: while I had
the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discountenanced that
she was fain to return to London, in order to avoid the scoffs and
censure of the ladies at Bath. But, though the hope of hearing from the
darling of my soul supported my spirits a little while, I began to be
very uneasy, when, at the end of several weeks I found that expectation
disappointed. In short, melancholy and despondence took possession of
my soul; and, repining at that providence which, by acting the
stepmother towards me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I
determined, in a fit of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table,
with a view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent
for life; or of plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would
effectually crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my
imagination.

Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after some
turns of fortune found myself, at the end of three days, worth a
thousand pounds; but it was not my intention to stop there, for which
cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued my career
until I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have hazarded also,
had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two hundred pounds to such
a petty sum.

Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself so
much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance with such
calmness, that he, imagining I joked, affected to receive the tidings
with great equanimity. But both he and I found ourselves mistaken very
soon. I had misinterpreted my own stupidity into deliberate
resignation, and he had reason to believe me in earnest when he saw me
next morning agitated with the most violent despair, which he
endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his power.

In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in
the stage coach for London; and, in the meantime, paid my debts in
Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings only. Without taking leave of
my friends, I embarked, Strap having the good fortune to find a return
horse, and arrived in town, without having met with anything remarkable
on the road. While we crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a sort
of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying passengers under
contribution in some such place. My thoughts were so circumstanced at
this time, that I should have digested the crime of robbery, so
righteously had I concerted my plan, and ventured my life in the
execution, had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that
attends detection.

The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession of
it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with open
arms, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking: but
when he understood what had happened, his countenance changed of a
sudden, and he told me, with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to
himself, that, if he were in my place, he would put it out of fortune’s
power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of his own
indiscretion at once. When I desired him to explain his meaning, he
pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tiptoes, and was going away
without any further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence,
and demanded the five guineas I had formerly lent him. “Five guineas?”
cried he; “zounds! had you acted with common prudence, you might have
had twenty thousand in your pocket by this time. I depended upon five
hundred from you, as much as if I had had notes for it in the bank; and
by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me for that sum.” I was
neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and insisted on my
right with such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his
ton, and appease my clamour by assuring me, that he was not master of
five shillings. Society in distress generally promotes good
understanding among people; from being a dun I descended to be a
client, and asked his advice about repairing my losses. He counselled
me to have recourse again to the gaming table, where I succeeded so
well before, and put myself in a condition by selling my watch. I
followed his directions, and, having accommodated him with a few
pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling.

Then I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and having
made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword
immediately, that I might be enabled to make another effort. This
affectionate creature no sooner understood my purpose, than, seized
with insupportable sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he burst into
tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small sum he could
raise on the sword should be spent. “On my own account” said he, “I am
quite unconcerned; for, while God spares me health and these ten
fingers, I can earn a comfortable subsistence anywhere; but what must
become of you, who have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to
gratify?” Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I
should never want a resource while I had a loaded pistol in possession.
Stupified with horror at this dreadful insinuation, he stood mute for
some time and then broke out into “God of his infinite mercy enable you
to withstand that temptation of the devil! Consider your immortal
soul—there’s no repentance in the grave! O Lord! that we ever should
have come to this! Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will
of Heaven?—where is your patience?—Durum patientia frango—you are but a
young man—there may be many good things in store for you—accidit in
puncto quo non speratur in anno—remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling;
perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with the
hopes of seeing and relieving you; nay, peradventure, he has already
arrived, for the ship was expected about this time.” A ray of hope shot
athwart my soul at this suggestion; I thanked my friend for this
seasonable recollection, and, after having promised to take no
resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping for intelligence.

In his absence I was visited by Banter, who, being informed of my bad
luck at play, told me that fortune would probably be one day weary of
persecuting me. “In the meantime,” said he, “here’s a letter for you,
which I received just now inclosed in one from Freeman.” I snatched it
with eagerness, and knowing the superscription to be of Narcissa’s
handwriting, kissed it with transport, and, having opened it, read:

“It is with great difficulty that I have stolen, from the observation
of those spies who are set over me, this opportunity of telling you,
that I was suddenly carried away from Bath by my brother, who was
informed of our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit whom, I since
understand, you have wounded in a duel on my account. As I am fully
convinced of your honour and love, I hope I shall never hear of such
desperate proofs of either for the future. I am so strictly watched
that it will be impossible for you to see me, until my brother’s
suspicion shall abate, or Heaven contrive some other unforeseen event
in our behalf. In the meantime, you may depend on the constancy and
affection of


“Your own
“Narcissa.


    “P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be
    remembered to you. We are both in good health, and only in pain for
    you, especially as it will be impracticable for you to convey any
    message or letter to the place of our confinement; for which reason
    pray desist from the attempt, that, by miscarrying, might prolong
    our captivity.


“N—.”


This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to
Banter, and, at the same time, showed him her picture: he approved of
her beauty and good sense, and could not help owning that my neglect of
Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creature engrossed my
attention.

I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that, if I could
contrive means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case he
were not already at home, he would enable me to do something effectual
in behalf of my love and fortune; I therefore consulted Banter about a
present supply, who no sooner understood that I had credit, with a
tailor, than he advised me to take off two or three suits of rich
clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them at half-price to a
salesman in Monmouth Street. I was startled at this proposal, which I
thought savoured a little of fraud; he rendered it palatable, by
observing that, in a few months, I might be in a condition to do
everybody justice; and, in the meantime, I was acquitted by the honesty
of my intention. I suffered myself to be persuaded by his salvo, by
which my necessity, rather than my judgment, was convinced; and, when I
found there were no accounts of the ship in which my uncle embarked,
actually put the scheme in practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty
guineas, paying him for his advice with the old five.




CHAPTER LXI


I am arrested—carried to the Marshalsea—find my old Acquaintance beau
Jackson in that Jail—he informs me of his Adventures—Strap arrives, and
with difficulty is comforted—Jackson introduces me to a Poet—I admire
his Conversation and Capacity—am deeply affected with my
Misfortune—Strap hires himself as a Journeyman Barber


But this expedient was in a few weeks followed with a consequence I did
not foresee. A player, having purchased one of the suits that were
exposed to sale, appeared in it on the stage one night, while my tailor
unfortunately happened to be present. He knew it immediately, and,
inquiring minutely into the affair, discovered my whole contrivance:
upon which he came into my lodgings, and telling me that he was very
much straightened for want of money, presented his bill, which amounted
to fifty pounds. Surprised at which unexpected address, I affected to
treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour,
and telling him I should take care whom I dealt with for the future,
bade him come again in three days. He obeyed me punctually, demanded
his money, and finding himself amused with bare promises, arrested me
that very day in the street. I was not much shocked at this adventure,
which, indeed, put an end to a state of horrible expectation: but I
refused to go to a sponging-house, where I heard there was nothing but
the most flagrant imposition: and, a coach being called, was carried to
the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who were very
much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution.

The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in my pocket,
received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, and gave me
to understand, that I must pay beforehand for the apartment I should
choose to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, and hired a
small paltry bed-chamber for a crown a week, which, in any other place,
would not have let for half the money. Having taken possession of this
dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my thoughts were busied in
collecting matter of consolation to that faithful squire, when somebody
knocked at my door, which I no sooner opened, than a young fellow
entered in very shabby clothes and marvellous foul linen. After a low
bow, he called me by name, and asked if I had forgotten him. His voice
assisted me in recollecting his person, whom I soon recognised to be my
old acquaintance, Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of
my memoirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed my satisfaction at
finding him alive, and condoled him on his present situation, which,
however, did not seem to affect him much, for he laughed very heartily
at the occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our
mutual compliments being past, I inquired about his amour with the lady
of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy conclusion when I had
the pleasure of seeing him last: and, after an immoderate fit of
laughter, he gave me to understand that he had been egregiously bit in
that affair. “You must know,” said he, “that a few days after our
adventure with the bawd, and her b—ches, I found means to be married to
that same blue lady you speak of, and passed the night with her at her
lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, that early in the morning, after
a good deal of snivelling and sobbing, she owned, that, far from being
an heiress of great fortune, she was no other than a common woman of
the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony, in order to enjoy the
privilege of a femme couverte; and that, unless I made my escape
immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of her contracting, by
bailiffs employed and instructed for that purpose. Startled at this
intimation, I rose in a twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with
several hearty damns, got safe into the verge of the court, where I
kept snug, until I was appointed surgeon’s mate of a man-of-war at
Portsmouth; for which place I set out on Sunday, went on board of my
ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good fortune to
be made surgeon of a sloop that came home a few months after, and was
put out of commission: whereupon, I came to London, imagining myself
forgotten, and freed from my wife and her creditors, but had not been
in town a week, before I was arrested for a debt of hers, amounting to
twenty pounds, and brought to this place, where I have been fixed by
another action since that time. However, you know my disposition, I
defy care and anxiety; and being on the half-pay list, make shift to
live here tolerably easy.” I congratulated him on his philosophy, and,
remembering that I was in his debt, repaid the money he formerly lent
me, which, I believe, was far from being unseasonable. I then inquired
about the economy of the place, which he explained to my satisfaction;
and, after we had agreed to mess together, he was just now going to
give orders for dinner when Strap arrived.

I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any
countenance as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed,
particularly adapted by nature for such impressions. When we were left
by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured to
console him with the same arguments he had formerly used to me, withal
representing the fair chance I had of being relieved in a short time by
Mr. Bowling. But his grief was unutterable: he seemed to give attention
without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; so that I was in a
fair way of being infected by his behaviour, when Jackson returned,
and, perceiving the deference I paid to Strap, although in a footman’s
habit, distributed his crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity and
unconcern, that the features of the distressed squire relaxed by
degrees; he recovered the use of speech, and began to be a little more
reconciled to this lamentable event. We dined together on boiled beef
and greens, brought from a cook’s shop in the neighbourhood, and,
although this meal was served up in a manner little corresponding with
the sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of
necessity, ate with good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle
of wine, which had the desired effect of increasing the good humour of
my fellow prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now
talked cavalierly of my misfortune.

After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I desired my
friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap lodgings
he should choose for himself in the neighbourhood of the Marshalsea,
after he had discharged my lodgings, for which purpose I gave him
money. I likewise recommended to him the keeping my misfortune secret,
and saying to my landlord, or any other who should inquire for me, that
I was gone into the country for a few weeks: at the same time I laid
strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon Banter, in
case he should receive any letter for me from Narcissa, by the channel
of Freeman; and by all means to leave a direction for himself at my
uncle’s lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman
should arrive.

When he departed to execute these orders (which by the bye were
punctually performed that very night), I found myself so little
seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter
from it in the company of the beau, who, promising to regale me with a
lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common side, where I saw a
number of naked miserable wretches assembled together. We had not been
here many minutes, when a figure appeared, wrapped in a dirty rug, tied
about his loins with two pieces of list, of different colours, knotted
together; having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with a huge
mass of brown periwig, which seems to have been ravished from the crown
of some scarecrow. This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity,
made a profound bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by
a general response of “How d’ye do, doctor!” He then turned towards us,
and honoured Jackson with a particular salutation, upon which my
friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr.
Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle of the
congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three times, to my
utter astonishment, pronounced with great significance of voice and
gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon the difference
between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt
quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. When he
had finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to
the spectators; not one of whom (I was informed) understood so much as
a sentence of what he had uttered. They manifested, however, their
admiration and esteem by voluntary contributions, which Jackson told
me, one week with another, amounted to eighteen pence. This moderate
stipend, together with some small presents that he received for making
up differences and deciding causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled
him to breathe and walk about in the grotesque figure I have described.
I understood also, that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a
tragedy, which was allowed by everybody who had seen it to be a
performance of great merit: that his learning was infinite, his morals
unexceptionable, and his modesty invincible. Such a character could not
fail of attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be acquainted
with him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the evening in
my apartment. My request was granted; he favoured us with his company,
and, in the course of our conversation perceiving that I had a strong
passion for the Belles Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that
subject, that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions.
In this point too he gratified my inclination; he promised to bring his
tragedy to my room next day, and in the meantime, entertained me with
some detached pieces, which gave me a very advantageous idea of his
poetical talent. Among other things I was particularly pleased with
some elegies, in imitation of Tibullus; one of which I beg leave to
submit to the reader as a specimen of his complexion and capacity:—

    Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy?
Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest;—
    Since first thy beauty fixed my roving eye,
heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!

    Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,
With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour,
    Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball,
Or press her wanton in love’s roseate bower:

    For me, no more I’ll range the empurpled mead,
Where shepherd’s pipe and virgins dance around,
    Nor wander through the woodbine’s fragrant shade,
To hear the music of the grove resound.

    I’ll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,
Where fancy paints the glimmering taper blue,
    Where damps hang mouldering on the ivy’d wall,
And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew,

    There, leagued with hopeless anguish and despair,
A while in silence o’er my fate repair:
    Then, with a long farewell to love and care,
To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.

    Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear
On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
    Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie easy on my breast?


I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seemed
so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not
help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of
forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that I could not
recover my tranquillity: and was fain to have recourse to the bottle,
which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could not otherwise have
enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited and introduced a train of
other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the
effort I made against despondence, during the first day of my
imprisonment, I cannot determine; but I awoke in the horrors, and found
my imagination haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I was ready
to despair: and I believe the reader will own, I had no great cause to
congratulate myself, when I considered my situation. I was interrupted
in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who
contributed not a little to the re-establishment of my peace, by
letting me know that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by
which means he would be able not only to save me a considerable
expense, but even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence,
after my money should be spent, in case I should not be relieved
before.




CHAPTER LXII


I read Melopoyn’s Tragedy, and conceive a vast Opinion of his Genius—he
recounts his Adventures


While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted with the
character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that
instant, and, imagining we were engaged about business, could not be
prevailed upon to sit; but, leaving his performance, went away. My
friend’s tender heart was melted at the sight of a gentleman and
Christian (for he had a great veneration for both these epithets) in
such misery; and assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal I made
of clothing him with the our superfluities; a task with which he
charged himself, and departed immediately to perform it.

He was no sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the
tragedy; which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little
amazed at conduct of the managers who had rejected it. The fable, in my
opinion, was well chosen and naturally conducted, the incidents
interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked,
and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited and correct; the
unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous exactness; the
opening gradual and engaging, the peripeteia surprising, and the
catastrophe affecting. In short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle
and Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable but a little too
much embellishment in some few places, which objection he removed to my
satisfaction, by a quotation of Aristotle’s _Poetics_, importing, that
the least interesting parts of a poem ought to be raised and dignified
by the charms and energy of diction.

I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know
the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. At that
instant Strap returned with a bundle of clothes, which I sent with my
compliments to Mr. Melopoyn, as a small token of my regard, and desired
the favour of his company to dinner. He accepted my present and
invitation, and in less than half-an-hour made his appearance in a
decent dress, which altered his figure very much to his advantage. I
perceived by his countenance that his heart was big with gratitude, and
endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, by asking pardon for the
liberty I had taken; he made no reply, but, with an aspect full of
admiration and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from
his eyes. Affected with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted
the conversation, and complimented him on his performance, which I
assured him afforded me infinite pleasure. My approbation made him
happy. Dinner being served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their
permission for Strap to sit at table with us, after having informed
them that he was a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were
kind enough to grant that favour, and we ate together with great
harmony and satisfaction.

Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard Mr.
Melopoyn had met with from the world: and signified a desire of hearing
how he had been treated by the managers of the playhouses, to whom I
understood from Jackson, he had offered his tragedy without success.
“There is so little entertaining in the incidents of my life,” said he,
“that I am sure the recital will not recompense your attention; but,
since you discover an inclination to know them I understand my duty too
well to disappoint your desire.

“My father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness of
his circumstances hindered from maintaining me at the university, took
the charge of my education upon himself, and laboured with such
industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little cause to
regret the want of public masters. Being at great pains to consult my
natural bias, He discovered in me betimes an inclination for poetry;
upon which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance with the
classics, in the cultivation of which he assisted me with a paternal
zeal and uncommon erudition. When he thought me sufficiently acquainted
with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors,
French and Italian as well as English, and laid a particular injunction
upon me make myself master of my mother tongue.

“About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work of
some consequence; and, with my father’s approbation, actually planned
the tragedy you have read; but, before I had finished four acts, that
indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in very indigent
circumstances. A near relation, compassionating our distress, took us
into his family, where I brought my fable to a conclusion; and, soon
after that period my mother quitted this life. When my sorrow for this
melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer,
that, having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to
detain me in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for
London, and offer my play to the stage, where I did not doubt of
acquiring a large share of fame as well as fortune; in which case I
should not be unmindful of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was
ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and willingly contributed
towards the expense of fitting me out for my expedition.

“Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, where I
hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as
possible, until I should know what I had to expect from the manager, to
whom I intended to offer my play. For, though I looked upon myself as
perfectly secure of a good reception, imagining that a patentee would
be as eager to receive as I to present my production, I did not know
whether or not he might be pre-engaged in favour of another author, a
circumstance that would certainly retard my success. On this
consideration, too, I determined to be speedy in my application, and
even to wait upon one of the managers the very next day. For this
purpose, I inquired my landlord if he knew where either or both of them
lived: and he, being curious to know my business, and at the same time
appearing to be a very honest friendly man (a tallow chandler), I made
him acquainted with my design, upon which he told me that I went the
wrong way to work; that I would not find such easy access to a manager
as I imagined; and that if I delivered my performance without proper
recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it would be
minded. “Take my advice,” said he, “and your business is done. One of
the patentees is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same father who
confesses me. I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is
an excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his
recommendation will go a great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring
it on the stage.” I applauded his expedient, and was introduced to the
friar, who, having perused the tragedy, was pleased to signify his
approbation, and commended me in particular for having avoided all
reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his influence with
his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself that very day at
what time it was proper for me to wait upon him with the piece. He was
punctual in performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to
understand that he had mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I
had nothing more to do than to go to his house any time in the
forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I should find immediate
admittance. I took his advice, put my performance in my bosom, and,
having received directions, went immediately to the house of Mr.
Supple, and knocked at the door, which had a wicket in the middle,
faced with a net-work of iron. Through this a servant having viewed me
for some time, demanded to know my business. I told him my business was
with Mr. Supple, and that I came from Mr. O’Varnish. He examined my
appearance once more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and
said his master was busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a
little mortified at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my
reception was owing to Mr. Supple’s ignorance of my errand: and, that I
might meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr.
O’Varnish to be my introductor the next time. He complied with my
request, and obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received
me with the utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the
first convenience. By his own appointment I called again in a
fortnight, but he was gone out: I returned in a week after, and the
poor gentleman was extremely ill: I renewed my visit in a fortnight
after that, and he assured me he had been so much fatigued with
business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end, but he
would take the first opportunity: and, in the meantime, observed that
what he had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I comforted myself
with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the end of which I
appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and found him laid up
with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber than, looking at me with
a languishing eye, he said, “Mr. Melopoyn, I’m heartily sorry for an
accident that has happened during my illness. You must know that my
eldest boy, finding your manuscript upon the table in the dining-room,
where I used to read it, carried it into the kitchen, and leaving it
there, a negligent wench of a cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper,
has expended it but a few leaves in singing fowls upon the spit. But I
hope the misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have
several copies.”

“I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked
at this information; but the good-natured gentleman seemed to be so
much affected with my misfortune, that I suppressed my concern, and
told him that, although I had not another copy, I should be able to
retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which was very
tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple was at this
assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, and carefully
revolve and recollect every circumstance before I pretended to commit
it to paper, that it might be the same individual play that he had
perused. Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how
much he interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and
industry, and in three weeks produced the exact image of the former,
which was conveyed to him by my good friend Father O’Varnish, who told
me next day, that Mr. Supple would revise it superficially, in order to
judge of its sameness with the other, and then give his final answer.
For this examination I allotted a week: and, in full confidence of
seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of the manager,
when that term was expired. But, alas! the season had slipped away
insensibly. He convinced me, that if my play had been put into
rehearsal at the time, it could not have been ready for performing
until the end of March, when the benefit nights came on; consequently,
it would have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was
not my business to disoblige.

“I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which, to be sure, were
extremely just; and to reserve my performance for the next season, when
he hoped I would not be so unlucky. Although it was a grievous
disappointment to me, who, by this time, began to want both money and
necessaries; having on the strength of my expectation from the theatre,
launched out into some extravagances, by which the sum I brought to
town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be ashamed at this
circumstance of my conduct; for my finances were sufficient, with good
economy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year. You will
perhaps be amazed when I tell you that, in six months, I expended not a
farthing less than ten guineas: but, when one considers the temptations
to which a young man is exposed in this great city, especially if he be
addicted to pleasure, as I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least
abate. Nor was the cause of my concern limited to my own situation
entirely: I had written an account of my good reception to my kinsman
the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me for the money he had
kindly accommodated me with about the end of February, which promise I
now found myself unable to perform. However, there was no remedy but
patience: I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man,
candidly owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some
plan for my subsistence; he readily promised to consult his confessor
on this subject, and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome to lodge
and board with him until fortune should put it in my power to make
restitution.

“Mr. O’Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce me
to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me
in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified; but, upon
inquiry, I understood that this journal was calculated to foment
divisions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired to be excused
from engaging in it. He then proposed that I should write something in
the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a bookseller for a pretty
sum of ready money, and, perhaps, establish my own character into the
bargain. This event would infallibly procure friends, and my tragedy
would appear next season to the best advantage, by being supported both
by interest and reputation. I was charmed with this prospect, and
having heard what friends Mr. Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about
a work of that kind, and in less than six weeks composed as many
eclogues, which I forthwith offered to an eminent bookseller, who
desired me to leave them for his perusal, and he would give an answer
in two days. At the end of that time, I went to him, when he returned
the poems, telling me, they would not answer his purpose, and sweetened
his refusal by saying there were some good clever lines in them. Not a
little dejected at this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O’Varnish,
was owing to the opinion of another author whom this bookseller always
consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the same
profession, who told me the town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised
me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write something satirical
or luscious, such as the Button Hole, Shockey and Towner, The Leaky
Vessel, etc, and yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend
periwig, looked like a senator, and went regularly to church. Be that
as it will, I scorned to prostitute my pen in the manner proposed, and
carried my papers to a third, who assured me that poetry was entirely
out of his way; and asked me if I had got never a piece of secret
history, thrown into a series of letters, or a volume of adventures,
such as those of Robinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection of
Conundrums, wherewith to entertain the plantations. Being quite
unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another with as little
success; and I verily believe, was rejected by the whole trade.

“I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and
accordingly repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers of
that class in his pay; he assured me, he had already a great deal of
that work on his hands, which he did not know what to do with; observed
that translations were a mere drug, that branch of literature being
overstocked with an inundation of authors from North Britain; and asked
what I would expect per sheet for rendering the Latin classics into
English. That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined to set a
high price upon my qualifications, and demanded half-a-guinea for every
translated sheet. “Half-a-guinea!” cried he, staring at me; then paused
a little, and said, he had no occasion for my service at present. I
found my error, and, resolving to make amends, fell one-half in my
demand; upon which he stared at me and told me his hands were full. I
attempted others without finding employment, and was actually reduced
to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I bethought myself of offering
my talents to the printers of half-penny ballads and other such
occasional essays, as are hawked about the streets. With this in view I
applied to one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who
directed me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them
with gin, bread, and cheese; he carried me into a little back parlour,
very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being enrolled
among his writers; and was asked what kind of composition I professed.
Understanding that my inclination leaned towards poetry, he expressed
his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets had lost his senses, and
was confined in Bedlam, and the other was become dozed with drinking
drams; so that he had not done anything tolerable these many weeks.
When I proposed that we should enter into terms of agreement, he gave
me to understand that his bargains were always conditional, and his
authors paid in proportion to the sale of their works.

“Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure you)
were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a
ballad, which was to be finished in two hours; and I retired to my
garret in order to perform his injunction. As the theme happened to
suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an ode within the time
prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit and
applause. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter astonishment,
told me it would not do; though indeed he owned I wrote a good hand,
and spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of
consequence not at all adapted to the capacity and taste of his
customers. I promised to rectify that mistake and in half an hour
humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he approved of
the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time, though he
observed that my performance was very deficient in the quaintness of
expression that pleases the multitude: however, to encourage me, he
ventured the expense of printing and paper, and, if I remember aright,
my share of the sale amounted to fourpence halfpenny.

“From that day I studied the Grub Street manner with great diligence,
and at length became such a proficient that my works were in great
request among the most polite of the chairmen, draymen,
hackney-coachmen, footmen, and servant maids: nay, I have enjoyed the
pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon the
walls as ornaments in beer cellars and cobblers’ stalls; and have
actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen—but empty
praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings of
nature. I found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my
fame; for of ten songs I composed, it was well if two had the good
fortune to please. For this reason I turned my thoughts to prose, and,
during a tract of gloomy weather, published an apparition, on the
substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole month; I have
made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded me
great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, was my never-failing
resource. What then? I was almost a slave to my employers, who expected
to be furnished at a minute’s warning with prose and verse, just as
they thought the circumstances of the times required, whether the
inclination was absent or present. Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I
have been so much pestered and besieged by those children of clamour,
that life became a burden to me.”




CHAPTER LXIII


The Continuation and Conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn’s Story


‘I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the beginning
of next winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend Mr. Supple,
and was most graciously received. “I have been thinking of your affair,
Mr. Melopoyn,” said he, “and am determined to show how far I have your
interest at heart, by introducing you to a young nobleman of my
acquaintance, who is remarkable for his fine taste in dramatic
writings, and is besides a man of such influence that, if once he
should approve of your play, his patronage will support it against all
the efforts of envy and ignorance; for, I do assure you, that merit
alone will not bring success. I have already spoken of your performance
to Lord Rattle, and if you will call at my house in a day or two, you
shall have a letter of introduction to his lordship.” I was sensibly
touched with this mark of Mr. Supple’s friendship; and looking upon my
affair as already done, went home and imparted my good fortune to my
landlord, who, to render my appearance more acceptable to my patron,
procured a suit of new clothes for me on his own credit.

“Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy to his
lordship’s lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple’s letter by
one of his servants, who desired me, by his lord’s order, to return in
a week. I did so, and was admitted to his lordship, who received me
very courteously, told me he had perused my play, which he thought, on
the whole, was the best coup d’essai he had ever seen; but that he had
marked some places in the margin, which he imagined might be altered
for the better. I was transported with this reception, and promised
(with many acknowledgments of his lordship’s generosity) to be governed
solely by his advice and direction.”

“Well, then,” said he, “write another fair copy with the alterations I
have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible; for I am
resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter.” You may be sure
I set about this task with alacrity; and although I found his
lordship’s remarks much more numerous and of less importance than I
expected, I thought it was not my interest to dispute upon trifles with
my patron; therefore new modelled it according to his desire in less
than a month.

“When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the actors
at breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced him to my
acquaintance, and desired him to read a scene of my play. This task he
performed very much to my satisfaction, with regard to emphasis and
pronunciation; but he signified his disgust at several words in every
page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told me, with a
peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with him, who had been a
player these twenty years, and understood the economy of the stage
better than any man living. I was forced to submit; and his lordship
proposed the same actor should read the whole play in the evening,
before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, whom he would convene to his
lodgings for that purpose.

“I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear friend, I
never underwent such a severe trial in the whole course of my life at
that juncture; for although the player might be a very honest man and a
good performer, he was excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a
thousand frivolous objections, which I was not permitted to answer.
However, the piece was very much applauded on the whole; the gentlemen
present, who, I understood, were men of fortune, promised to
countenance and support it as much as they could; and Lord Rattle,
assuring me that he would act the part of a careful nurse to it,
desired me to carry it home, and alter it immediately according to
their remarks. I was fain to acquiesce in his determination, and
fulfilled his injunctions with all the expedition in my power; but,
before I could present the new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had
disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. Brayer; so that fresh
interest was to be made with the new manager. This task Lord Rattle
undertook, having some acquaintance with him, and recommended my
performance so strongly that it was received.

“I looked upon myself now as upon the eve of reaping the fruits of all
my labour. I waited a few days in expectation of its being put in
rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy patron, who
excused Mr. Brayer on account of the multiplicity of business in which
he was involved, and bade me beware of teasing the patentee. I
treasured up this caution, and exerted my particular three weeks
longer; at the end of which his lordship gave me to understand that Mr.
Brayer had read my play, and owned it had indubitable merit; but, as he
had long been pre-engaged to another author, he could not possibly
represent it that season; though, if I would reserve it for the next,
and in the interim make such alterations as he had proposed by
observations on the margin, I might depend upon his compliance.

“Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes,
utter one syllable. At length, however, I complained bitterly of the
manager’s insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the
beginning that he could not gratify my desire. But his lordship
reprimanded me for my freedom, said Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and
imputed his behaviour with respect to me nothing else but
forgetfulness. And indeed I have had some reason, since that time, to
be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, I will
not allow myself to interpret his conduct in any other way. Lord Rattle
observing me very much affected with my disappointment, offered his
interest to bring on my play at the other house, which I eagerly
accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation to Mr.
Bellower, actor and prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor of that
theatre, and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy, without loss of
time. Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where after having waited a
whole hour in the lobby, I was admitted to his presence, and my
performance received with great state. He told me he was extremely busy
at present, but he would peruse it as soon as possible, and bade me to
call again in a week. I took my leave, not a little astonished at the
pert and supercilious behaviour of this stage player, who had not
treated me with good manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet
greatly impaired since the days of Euripides and Sophocles; but all
this was nothing in comparison of what I have since observed.

“Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told that
Mr. Bellower was engaged, and could not see me, I repeated my visit a
few days after, and having waited a considerable time was favoured with
an audience, during which, he said, he had not as yet read my play.
Nettled at this usage, I could contain myself no longer, but, telling
him, I imagined he would have paid more deference to Lord Rattle’s
recommendation, demanded my manuscript with some expression of
resentment. “Ay,” said he in a theatrical tone, “with all my heart.”
Then pulling out the drawer of the bureau at which he sat, he took out
a bundle, and threw it upon a table that was near him, pronouncing the
word, “There!” with great disdain. I took it up, and perceiving with
some surprise, that it was a comedy, told him it did not belong to me;
upon which he offered another which I also disclaimed. A third was
produced, and rejected for the same reason. At length he pulled out a
whole bundle, and spread them before me, saying, “There are seven—take
which you please—or take them all.” I singled out my own, and went
away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen—not so much on
account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays which from this
circumstance I concluded were yearly offered to the stage. You may be
sure, I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, who did not
receive it with all the indignation I expected; but taxed me with
precipitation, and told me I must lay my account with bearing with the
humours of the players, if I intended to write for the stage. “There is
now no other remedy,” he said, “but to keep it till the next season for
Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your leisure, in the summer, according to
his directions.” I was now reduced to a terrible alternative, either to
quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all along promised
myself a large share of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight
long months of adversity in preparing for and expecting its appearance.
This last penance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my
reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it.

“Why should I tire you with particulars of my consequence? I wrestled
with extreme poverty until the time of my probation was expired; and
went to my Lord Rattle in order to remind him of my affair, when I
understood, to my great concern, that his lordship was just on the
point of going abroad, and which was still more unfortunate for me, Mr.
Brayer had gone into the country; so that my generous patron had it not
in his power to introduce me personally, as he intended: however, he
wrote a very strong letter to the manager in my favour, and put him in
mind of the promise he had made in behalf of my play.

“As soon as I was certified of Brayer’s return, I went to his house
with this letter, but was told he was gone out. I called again next day
early in the morning, received the same answer, and was desired to
leave my name and business: I did so, and returned the day after, when
the servant still affirmed that his master was gone abroad; though I
perceived him, as I retired, observing me through a window. Incensed at
this discovery, I went to a coffee-house hard by, and, inclosing his
lordship’s letter in one from myself, demanded a categorical answer. I
sent it to his house by a porter, who returned in a few minutes, and
told me Mr. Brayer would be glad to see me at that instant. I obeyed
the summons, and was received with such profusion of compliments and
apologies, that my resentment immediately subsided, and I was even in
pain for the concern which this holiest man showed at the mistake of
his servant, who, it seems, had been ordered to deny him to everybody
but me. He expressed the utmost veneration for his good and noble
friend, Lord Rattle, whom he should always be proud to serve; promised
to peruse the play with all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon it:
and, as a testimony of his esteem, made me a present of a general order
for the season, by which I should be admitted to any part of the
theatre. This was a very agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest
pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic performances, and you need not
doubt that I often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an
opportunity of being behind the scenes when I pleased, I frequently
conversed with Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he meant to put
it into rehearsal; but he had always so much business upon his hands,
that it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became
very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the
papers another new play advertised, which had been written, offered,
accepted, and rehearsed, in the compass of three months. You may easily
guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own to you that, in
the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr. Brayer of having
acted towards me in the most pitiful perfidious manner; and was
actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his favourite
piece, which, by the strength of art, lingered till the third night,
and then died in a deplorable manner. But now that passion has no share
in my reflection, I am willing to ascribe his behaviour to his want of
memory or want of judgment, which, you know, are natural defects, that
are more worthy of compassion than reproach.

“About this time I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, who,
having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was well acquainted with the
wife of a gentleman who was very well known to a lady, who had great
interest with a person who was intimate with Earl Sheerwit: and that,
if I pleased, she would use her influence in my behalf. As this
nobleman had the character of a Maecenas in the nation, and could stamp
a value upon any work by his sole countenance and approbation, I
accepted her offer with eagerness, in full confidence of seeing my
reputation established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very short time,
provided that I should have the good fortune to please his lordship’s
taste. I withdrew the manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and
committed it to the care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so
effectually in my interest, that in less than a month it was conveyed
to the earl, and in a few weeks after, I had the satisfaction to hear
that he had read and approved it very much. Transported with this piece
of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting
himself in its favour, but, hearing no more of this matter in three
whole months, I began (God forgive me!) to suspect the veracity of the
person who brought me the good tidings; for I thought it impossible
that a man of his rank and character, who knew the difficulty of
writing a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should
read and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an inclination
to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above
dependence. But it was not long before I found my friend very much
wronged by my opinion.

“You must know, that the civilities I had received from Lord Rattle,
and the desire he manifested to promote the success of my play,
encouraged me to write an account of my bad fortune to his lordship,
who condescended so far as to desire, by letter, a young squire of a
great estate, with whom he was intimate, to espouse my cause, and, in
particular, make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmozet, a celebrated
player, who had lately appeared on the stage with astonishing eclat,
and bore such sway in the house where he acted, that the managers durst
not refuse anything he recommended. The young gentleman, whom Lord
Rattle had employed for this purpose, being diffident of his own
interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his
acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so good as to introduce me
to him; and the conversation turning upon my performance, I was not a
little surprised, as well as pleased, to hear that Earl Sheerwit had
spoken very much in its praise, and even sent Mr. Marmozet the copy,
with a message, expressing a desire that he would act in it next
season. Nor was this favourite actor backward in commending the piece,
which he mentioned with such expressions of regard, that I do not
choose to repeat: assuring me that he would appear in it, provided he
should be engaged to play at all during the ensuing season. In the
meantime, he desired I would give him leave to peruse it in the
country, whither he intended to remove next day, that he might have
leisure to consider and point out such alterations as might, perhaps,
be necessary for its representation; and took my direction, that he
might communicate by letter the observations he should make. Trusting
to these assurances, and the interest which had been made in my behalf,
I hugged myself in the expectation of seeing it not only acted, but
acted to the greatest advantage, and this I thought could not fail of
recompensing me in ample manner for the anxiety and affliction I had
undergone; but six weeks being elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile
Mr. Marmozet’s silence with his promise of writing to me in ten days
after he set out for the country; however, I was at last favoured with
a letter, importing that he had made some remarks on my tragedy, which
he would freely impart at meeting, and advised me to put it, without
loss of time, into the hands of that manager, who had the best company;
as he himself was quite uncertain whether or not he should be engaged
that winter. I was a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter,
and advised about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain
indication of Mr. Marmozet’s desire to get rid of his promise; that his
pretended uncertainty about acting next winter was no other than a
scandalous evasion; for, to his certain knowledge, he was already
engaged, or at least in terms, with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was
to disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased of
the author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own advantage.

“In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I must own, is if a sanguine
complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet with such
severity, that I began to suspect him of some particular prejudice, and
put myself upon my guard against his insinuations. I ought to crave
pardon for this tedious narration of trivial circumstances, which,
however interesting they may be to me, must certainly be very dry and
insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in the affair. But I understand
the meaning of your looks, and will proceed.

“Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me with
uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he
proposed to communicate his remarks, which, I confess, were more
unfavourable than I expected; but I answered his objections, and, as I
thought, brought him over to my opinion; for, on the whole, he
signified the highest approbation of the performance. In the course of
our dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this poor gentleman’s
memory so treacherous, as to let him forget what he had said to me,
before he went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit’s opinion of my
play, which he now professed himself ignorant of; and I was extremely
mortified at hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr.
Vandal was so very low as to be insufficient of itself to bring a new
piece upon the stage. I then begged his advice, and he counselled me to
apply to Earl Sheerwit, for a message in my favour to the manager, who
would not presume to refuse anything recommended by so great man; and
he was so kind as to promise to second this message with all his power.
I had immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend, already
mentioned, who opened the channels of her conveyance with such
expedition, that in a few days I had a promise of the message, provided
I could assure myself of Mr. Vandal’s being unengaged to any other
writer; for his lordship did not choose to condescend so far, until he
should understand that there was a probability (at least) of
succeeding; at the same time that blessed me with this piece of news, I
was startled at another, by the same channel of communication; which
was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he advised me to this application, had
informed the earl that he had read my play, and found it altogether
unfit for the stage. Though I could not doubt the certainty of this
intelligence, I believed there was some inapprehension in the case;
and, without taking any notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I
had been favoured with; and he promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question
proposed. I waited upon him in a day or two, when he gave me to
understand, that Mr. Vandal having professed himself free of all
engagements, he had put my play into his hands, and represented it as a
piece strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured him) would
honour him with a message in its favour; and he desired me to call for
an answer at Mr. Vandal’s house in three days. I followed his
directions, and found the manager, who being made acquainted with my
business, owned that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but
denied that he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit’s name. When I informed him
of the circumstances of the affair, he said, he had no engagement with
any author; that he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not
believe he should venture to reject it in contradiction to his
lordship’s opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put it
into rehearsal without loss of time. I was so much intoxicated with
this encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct of Mr.
Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed, when, to my
infinite confusion, he pronounced my play improper for the stage, and
rejected it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect myself from the
disorder into which this unexpected refusal had thrown me, I expressed
a desire of hearing his objections, which were so groundless,
indistinct, and unintelligible, that I persuaded myself he had not at
all perused the piece, but had been prompted by somebody whose lessons
he had not rightly retained. However, I have been since informed that
the poor man’s head, which was not naturally very clear, had been
disordered with superstition, and that he laboured under the tyranny of
a wife, and the terrors of hellfire at the same time.

“Precipitated in this manner from the highest pinnacle of hope to the
abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the burden of my
affliction, and, in the bitterness of my anguish, could not help
entertaining some doubts of Mr. Marmozet’s integrity, when I
recollected and compared the circumstances of his conduct towards me. I
was encouraged in this suspicion by being told that my Lord Sheerwit
had spoken of his character with great contempt: and, in particular,
resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that of his
lordship, concerning my tragedy. While I hesitated between different
opinions of the matter, that friend, who (as I told you before) was a
little hot-headed, favoured me with a visit, and, having heard a
circumstantial account of the whole affair, could not contain his
indignation, but affirmed without ceremony that Mr. Marmozet was the
sole occasion of my disappointment; that he acted from first to last
with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling me with insinuating
civilities, while he underhand employed all his art and influence to
prejudice the ignorant manager against my performance; that nothing
could equal his hypocrisy but his avarice, which engrossed the
faculties of his soul so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of the
meanest practices to gratify that sordid appetite; that, in consequence
of this disposition, he had prostituted his honour in betraying my
inexperience, and in undermining the interest of another author of
established reputation, who had also offered a tragedy to the stage,
which he thought would interfere with the success of the comedy he had
bought, and determined to bring on at all events.

“I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could not
believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against the
asseverations of my friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of such
behaviour, which could not fail of entailing infamy upon the author;
and the small temptation that a man of Mr. Marmozet’s figure and
success could have to consult his interest in such a grovelling manner,
which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his patrons, and
effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection he now enjoys
in such an eminent degree. He pretended to laugh at my simplicity, and
asked, if I knew for which of his virtues he was so much caressed by
the people of fashion. “It is not,” said he, “for the qualities of his
heart, that this little parasite is invited to the tables of dukes and
lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his entertainment. His avarice
they see not, his ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates
itself to their humours, and is of consequence pleasing; but he is
chiefly courted for his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the
choicest parties of quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his
wife Joan, when a poet of the most excellent genius is not able to
attract the least regard.” God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit
assertions that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and
represent the poor man as the most abject of all beings! No, I looked
upon them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which
he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr.
Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with the earl; a
circumstance that, surely, could not be, unless he had vindicated his
character to the satisfaction of his lordship. Pray forgive this long
digression, and give me the hearing a little longer; for, thank heaven!
I am now near the goal.

“Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted; and
bethought myself of choosing some employment that might afford a sure,
though mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by this time
considerably indebted, and who had laid his account with having his
money paid all in a heap from the profits of my third night, could not
brook his disappointment, therefore made another effort in my behalf,
and, by dint of interest, procured a message from a lady of fashion to
Mr. Brayer, who had always professed a great veneration for her,
desiring that he would set up my play forthwith, and assuring him that
she and all her friends would support it in the performance. To
strengthen my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause; and,
in short, exerted herself so much, that it was again received, and my
hopes began to revive. But Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much
engrossed by business of vast consequence, though to appearance he had
nothing at all to do, that he could not find time to read it until the
season was pretty far advanced; and read it he must, for
notwithstanding his having perused it before, his memory did not retain
one circumstance of the matter.

“At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed
certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronised it, and
promised, on his honour, to bring it on next winter, provided these
alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him before the
end of April. With an aching heart, I submitted to these conditions,
and performed them accordingly: but fortune owed me another unforeseen
mortification; Mr. Marmozet, during the summer, became joint patentee
with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed performance of articles, I was
told he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who was
pre-engaged to another author.

“My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and
landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, which
they seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless, and
forlorn: there I was arrested at the suit of my tailor, and thrown into
the prison, where I have made shift to live these five weeks on the
bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, are not the worse for the
instruction and good offices by which I manifest my gratitude; but in
spite of all their charitable endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable,
until your uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with comfort.”




CHAPTER LXIV


I am seized with a deep Melancholy, and become a Sloven—am relieved by
my Uncle—he prevails upon me to engage with his Owners, as a Surgeon of
the Ship which he commands—he makes me a considerable Present—entertain
Strap as his steward—I take leave of my Friends, and go on Board—the
Ship arrives in the Downs


I shall not make any reflection on this story, in the course of which
the reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and milky
disposition of this worthy man had been duped and abused by a set of
scoundrels, who were so habituated to falsehood and equivocation, that
I verily believed they would have found the utmost difficulty in
uttering one syllable of truth, though their lives had depended upon
their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the knavery
and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed and incensed by the base
indifference which suffered such uncommon merit as he possessed to
languish in obscurity, and struggle with all the miseries of a
loathsome gaol; and should have blessed the occasion that secluded me
from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of my amiable
Narcissa preserved my attachment to a society of which she constituted
a part. The picture of that lovely creature was the constant companion
of my solitude. How often did I contemplate the resemblance of those
enchanting features that first captivated my heart! how often did I
weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled! and how
often did I curse my perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair
original! In vain did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future
happiness: surly reason always interposed, and in a moment overthrew
the unsubstantial fabric, by chastising the extravagance of my hope,
and representing my unhappy situation in the right point of view. In
vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and engage in
the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; a
train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which even the
conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. I ordered Strap to inquire
every day at Banter’s lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my
charmer; and my disappointment considerably, augmented my chagrin. My
affectionate valet was infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me
whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear
for tear. This fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable
of business, and was discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money
melt away without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my
hopes frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and
degenerated into such a sloven that during the space of three months I
was neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so that my face, rendered
meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed with
hair, and my whole appearance squalid and even frightful; when, one
day, Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below who wanted to
speak with me. Roused at this intelligence, and in full hopes of
receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, I ran downstairs
with the utmost precipitation. And found to my infinite surprise my
generous uncle, Mr. Bowling! Transported at the sight, I sprang forward
to embrace him. Upon which he started aside with great agility, drew
his hanger, and put himself upon his guard, crying, “Avast, brother,
avast! Sheer off. Yo ho! you turnkey, why don’t you keep a better look
out? Here’s one of your crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I
suppose.” I could not help laughing heartily at his mistake; but this I
soon rectified by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and shook
me by the hand with great affection, testifying his concern at seeing
me in such a miserable condition.

I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I
introduced to him as one of my best friends, he gave me to understand,
that he was just arrived from the Coast Of Guinea, after having made a
pretty successful voyage, in which he had acted as mate, until the ship
was attacked by a French privateer, that the captain being killed
during the engagement, he had taken the command, and was so fortunate
as to sink the enemy; after which exploit he fell in with a merchant
ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo and some silver and by
virtue of his letter of marque, attacked, took, and carried her safe
into Kinsale in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by
which means he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also
acquired the favour of his owners, who had already conferred upon him
the command of a large ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready
to sail upon a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liberty to
discover. And he assured me that it was with the greatest difficulty he
found me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings at
Wapping.

I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune; and,
at his desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened to me
since we parted. When he understood the particulars of Strap’s
attachment to me, he squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised to
make a man of him; then, giving me ten guineas for my present occasion,
took a direction for the tailor who arrested me, and went away in order
to discharge the debt, telling me at parting, that he would soon fetch
up all my leeway with a wet sail.

I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected me
more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of incoherent
ideas rushed so impetuously upon my imagination, that my reason could
neither separate nor connect them; when Strap, whose joy had manifested
itself in a thousand fool-cries, came into my room with his shaving
utensils, and without any previous intimation, began to lather my
beard, whistling with great emotion all the while. I started from my
reverie, and, being too well acquainted with Strap to trust myself in
his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be excused,
sent for another barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed. Having
performed the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my
gayest apparel, waited for the return of my uncle, who was agreeably
surprised at my sudden transformation.

This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained an
order for my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner; but, as I
had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows in distress, I
prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his company, and invited
Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening at my apartment, where I
regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the news of my release, on
which they heartily congratulated me, notwithstanding the loss of my
company, which, they were pleased to say, they should severely feel. As
for Jackson, his misfortune made so little impression on himself, and
he was altogether so loose, indifferent, and indiscreet, that I could
scarce pity his situation: but I had conceived a veneration and
friendship for the poet, who was, in all respects, an object much more
worthy of compassion and regard. When our guests withdrew, and my uncle
had retired, with an intention of visiting me next morning, I made up a
bundle of some linen and other necessaries; and, bidding Strap carry
them to Mr. Melopoyn’s lodgings, went thither myself, and pressed it
upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which, with much difficulty, he
received, assuring me at the same time, that he should never have it in
his power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him in
any other way; to which he answered, “You have already done too much;”
and, unable to contain the emotions of his soul any longer, burst into
tears, and wept aloud. Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his
repose, and, when my uncle returned in the morning, represented his
character in such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was
affected with his distress, and determined to follow my example, in
presenting him with five pieces more; upon which, that I might save him
some confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter to be
delivered by Strap, after we should be gone.

This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance
in the gaol; and, just as I was about to step into a hackney coach at
the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper,
if I could lend him a shilling! His demand being so moderate, and in
all likelihood the last he would make upon me, I slipped a guinea into
his hand, which he no sooner perceived, than he cried, “O Jesus, a
guinea!” then laying hold of a button of my coat, broke out into
laughter; and when his immoderate fit of convulsion was ended, told me
I was an honest fellow, and let me go. The coachman was ordered to
drive to Mr. Bowling’s lodgings, where, when we arrived, he entered
into a serious discourse with me, on the subject of my situation, and
proposed that I should sail with him in quality of his surgeon; in
which case he would put me in a method of getting a fortune in a few
years by my own industry; and assured me, that I might expect to
inherit all that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive
him. Though I was penetrated with a sense of his generosity, l was
startled at a proposal that offered violence to my love, and signified
my sentiments on that head, which he did not seem to relish; but
observed that love was the fruit of idleness, that when once I should
be employed in business, and my mind engaged in making money, I should
be no more troubled with these silly notions, which none but your
fair-weathered Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind,
ought to entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked
upon as a reproach, and, without giving myself time to deliberate,
accepted his offer. He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me
immediately to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck; so that
then I could not retract with honour, had I been ever so much averse to
the agreement. That I might not have time to cool, he bade me draw out
a list of medicines for a complement of five hundred men, adapted to
the distempers of hot climates and sufficient for a voyage of eighteen
months; and carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who would also
provide me in two well-qualified mates. While I was thus employed Strap
came in, and looked very blank, when he understood my resolution:
however, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted upon going along
with me; and at my desire was made ship’s steward by Captain Bowling,
who promised to be at the expense of fitting him out, and to lend him
two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure.

When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own
countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, my
uncle told me, that by his last voyage he had cleared almost three
thousand pounds, one-third of which he would immediately make over and
put into my hands; that he would procure for me credit to the value of
so much more in such goods as would turn to best account in the country
to which we were bound; and that, although he looked upon my interest
as his own, he would keep the remaining part of his fortune in his own
disposal, with a view of preserving his independence, and the power of
punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what he had
already bestowed.

Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which this
surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that his
promises were instantly performed, and an invoice of merchandise proper
for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and
ship them with all expedition. In the midst of this hurry, the
remembrance of my charming Narcissa often interposed, and made me the
most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with the thought of
being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though the hope of seeing
her again might have supported me under the torments of separation, I
could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting with me,
and the incessant sorrows to which her tender bosom would be exposed
during my absence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction!
As my imagination was daily and nightly upon the rack to invent some
method of mitigating this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my
love and honour in the opinion of this gentle creature, I at length
stumbled upon an expedient, with which the reader will be made
acquainted in due time; and, in consequence of my determination, became
less uneasy and disturbed.

My business being finished, and the ship ready to sail, I resolved to
make my last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end of the
town, where I had not been since my imprisonment; and as I had, by the
advice of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes for sale, I put on
the gayest suit in my possession, and went in a chair to the
coffee-house I used to frequent, where I found my friend Banter so
confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that, when I made up to
him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, without being able,
for some minutes, to open his lips; then pulling me aside by the
sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted me thus: “Random, where
the devil have you been! eh? What is the meaning of all this finery?
Oho! I understand you. You are just arrived from the country! what, the
roads are good, eh? Well, Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky
fellow! but take care, the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke
at last.” So saying, he pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and
the broken hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of having
robbed on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at his supposition.
Without explaining myself any further, I told him he was mistaken in
his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the relation of
whom he had frequently heard me speak; and that, as I should set out
next day upon my travels, I had come to take my leave of my friends,
and to receive of him the money he had borrowed from me, which, now
that I was going abroad, I should certainly have occasion for. He was a
little disconcerted at this demand; but, recollecting himself in a
moment, swore in an affected passion, that I had used him extremely
ill, and he would never forgive me for having, by this short warning,
put it out of his power to free himself of an obligation he could no
longer bear. I could not help smiling at this pretended delicacy, which
I commended highly, telling him he needed not to be uneasy on that
score, for I would give him a direction to a merchant in the city, with
whom I would leave a discharge on the sum, to be delivered upon
payment. He professed much joy at this expedient, and with great
eagerness asked the person’s name and place of abode, which he
forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring me, that he should not be
long in my debt. This affair, which I knew he should never after think
of, being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends,
desiring the favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when
they honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in
a very elegant manner, at which they expressed equal admiration as
applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave of
them, and was well nigh stifled with caresses: next day, I set out with
Strap in a postchaise for Gravesend, where we went on board; and the
wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve hours. Without meeting
with any accident, we reached the Downs, where we were obliged to come
to an anchor, and wait for an easterly wind to carry us out of the
Channel.




CHAPTER LXV


I set out for Sussex—consult Mrs. Sagely—achieve an Interview with
Narcissa—return to the Ship—we get clear of the Channel—I learn our
Destination—we are chased by a large Ship—the company are dismayed, and
encouraged by the Captain’s speech—our pursuer happens to be an English
Man of War—we arrive at the Coast of Guinea, purchase four hundred
Negroes—sail for Paraguay, get safe into the River of Plate, and sell
our Cargo to great Advantage


It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London; and
asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay on shore till the
wind should become favourable, my request was granted, because he had
orders to remain in the Downs until he should receive some dispatches
from London, which he did not expect in less than a week. Having
imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, who (though he endeavoured
to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would not quit me in the
enterprise, I hired horses, and set out immediately for that part of
Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was not above thirty miles
distant from Deal, where we mounted. As I was perfectly well acquainted
with the extent of the squire’s estate and influence, I halted within
five miles of his house, where we remained till the twilight, at which
time we set forward, and, by the favour of a dark night, reached a
copse about half-a-mile from the village where Mrs. Sagely lived. Here
we left our horses tied to a tree, and went directly to the house of my
old benefactress, Strap trembling all the way, and venting ejaculatory
petitions to heaven for our safety. Her habitation being quite
solitary, we arrived at the door without being observed, when I ordered
my companion to enter by himself; and, in case there should be company
with her, deliver a letter which I had writ for that purpose, and say
that a friend of hers in London, understanding that he intended to
travel this road, had committed it to his care. He rapped at the door,
to which the good old matron coming, told him that, being a lone woman,
he must excuse her, if she did not open it, until he had declared his
name and business. He answered, that his name was unknown to her, and
that his business was to deliver a letter, which (to free her from all
apprehension) he would convey to her through the space between the door
and threshold. This he instantly performed: and she no sooner read the
contents, which specified my being present, than she cried, “If the
person who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may be
assured by his voice whether or not I may safely admit him.” I
forthwith applied my mouth to the keyhole, and pronounced, “Dear
mother, you need not be afraid, it is I, so much indebted to your
goodness, who now crave admittance.” She knew my voice, and opening the
door immediately, received me with a truly maternal affection,
manifesting, by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I should be
discovered, for she had been informed of everything that had happened
between Narcissa and me from the dear captive’s own mouth. When I
explained the motive of my journey, which was no other than a desire of
seeing the object of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I
might in person convince her of the necessity I was under to leave her,
reconcile her to that event, by describing the advantages that in all
probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal constancy, and
enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting. I say,
when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that
Narcissa, upon her return from Bath, had been so strictly watched that
nobody but one or two of the servants devoted to her brother, was
admitted to her presence, that afterwards she had been a little
enlarged, and was permitted to see company; during which indulgence,
she had been several times at the cottage; but of late she had been
betrayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the squire, that he
had once carried a letter from her to the post-house directed to me;
upon which information she was now more confined than ever, and that I
could have no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the risk of
getting into the garden, where she and her maid were every day allowed
to take the air, and lie hid until I should have an opportunity of
speaking to them—an adventure attended with such danger, that no man in
his right wits would attempt it. This enterprise, hazardous as it was,
I resolved to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely,
who reasoned, chid, and entreated by turns; and the tears and prayers
of Strap, who conjured me on his knees, to have more regard to myself
as well as to him, than to attempt my own destruction in such a
precipitate manner. I was deaf to but the suggestions of my love; and
ordering him to return immediately with the horses to the inn from
whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that place, he at first
peremptorily refused to leave me, until I persuaded him, that if our
horses should remain where they were till daylight, they would
certainly be discovered, and the whole country alarmed. On this
consideration, he took his leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand,
and, weeping, cried “God knows if ever I shall see you again.” My kind
landlady, finding me obstinate, gave me her best advice how to behave
in the execution of my project: and after having persuaded me to take a
little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and left me to my
repose. Early in the morning I arose, and armed with a couple of loaded
pistols and a hanger, went to the back part of the squire’s garden,
climbed over the wall, and, according to Mrs. Sagely’s direction,
concealed myself in a thicket, hard by an alcove that terminated a walk
at a good distance from the house, which (I was told) my mistress
mostly frequented. Here I absconded from five o’clock in the morning to
six in the evening, without seeing a human creature; at last I
perceived two women approaching, whom, by my throbbing heart, I soon
recognised to be the adorable Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the
strongest agitation of soul at the sight; and guessing, that they would
repose themselves in the alcove, stopped into it unperceived, and hid
upon the stone table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had
sat in London, purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go
abroad. I exposed it in this manner, as an introduction to my own
appearance, which, without some previous intimation, I was afraid might
have an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver;
and then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their discourse,
and suit myself to the circumstance of the occasion. As they advanced,
I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of Narcissa, blended
with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could scarce refrain from
flying into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that stood
collected in each bewitching eye. According to my expectation, she
entered the alcove, and perceiving something on the table, took it up.
No sooner did she cast her eye upon the features, than, startled at the
resemblance, she cried, “Good God!” and the roses instantly vanished
from her cheeks. Her confidante, alarmed at this exclamation, looked at
the picture; and, struck with the likeness, exclaimed, “Jesus! the very
features of Mr. Random!” Narcissa, having recollected herself a little,
said, “Whatever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my
affliction, I am thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the
dearest object of my care.” So saying, she kissed it with surprising
ardour, shed a flood of tears, and then deposited the lifeless image in
her lovely bosom. Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered
affection, I was about to throw myself at her feet, when Miss Williams,
whose reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, observed
that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she could
not help thinking I was not far off. The gentle Narcissa, starting at
this conjecture, answered, “Heaven forbid! for although nothing in the
universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that of his presence for
one poor moment, in a proper place, I would rather forfeit his
company—almost for ever, than see him here, where his life would be
exposed to so much danger.” I could no longer restrain the impulse of
my passion, but, breaking from my concealment, stood before her, when
she uttered a fearful shriek, and fainted in the arms of her companion.
I flew towards the treasure of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and
with the warmth of my kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that I were
endowed with the expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the
magic touches of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the
chastened rapture and ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beauteous
face, when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced, “O heavens! is
it you?” I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader’s
patience with the particulars of this amour, of which (I own) I cannot
help being impertinently circumstantial. I shall therefore omit the
less material passages of this interview, during which I convinced her
reason, though I could not appease the sad presages of her love, with
regard to the long voyage and dangers I must undergo. When we had spent
an hour (which was all she could spare from the barbarity of her
brother’s vigilance) in lamenting over our hard fate, and in repeating
our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams reminded us of the necessity there
was for our immediate parting; and, sure, lovers never parted with such
sorrow and reluctance as we. But because my words are incapable of
doing justice to this affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a
veil over it, and observe, that I returned in the dark to the house of
Mrs. Sagely, who was overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed the
tumults of my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind
regained, in some measure, its tranquillity; and that very night, after
having forced upon the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a
token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my leave of her, and set out
on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from the
horrors of unutterable dread.

We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal,
where I found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence,
because he had received his despatches, and must have weighed with the
first fair wind, whether I had been on board or not. Next day, a brisk
easterly gale springing up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours
got clear of the Channel.

When we were about two hundred leagues to westward of the Land’s End,
the captain, taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, now he was
permitted by his instructions, he would disclose the intent and
destination of our voyage. “The ship,” said he, “which has been fitted
out at a great expense, is bound for the coast of Guinea, where we
shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust, from whence
we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New Spain, where (by
virtue of passports, obtained from our own court, and that of Madrid)
we will dispose of them and the goods that remain on board for silver,
by means of our supercargo, who is perfectly well acquainted with the
coast, the lingo, and inhabitants.” Being thus let into the secret of
our expedition, I borrowed of the supercargo a Spanish grammar,
dictionary, and some other books of the same language, which I studied
with such application that, before we arrived in New Spain, I could
maintain a conversation with him in that tongue. Being arrived in the
warm latitudes, I ordered (with the captain’s consent) the whole ship’s
company to be blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same
evacuation, in order to prevent those dangerous fevers to which
northern constitutions are subject in hot climates; and I have reason
to believe, that this precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but
one sailor during our whole passage to the coast.

One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to
windward a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she could
carry. Upon which, my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be hoisted
and the ship to be cleared for engaging; but, finding that (to use the
seaman’s phrase) we were very much wronged by the ship which had us in
chase, and by this time had hoisted French colours, he commanded the
studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be clowed up, the main
topsail to be backed, the tompions to be taken out of the guns, and
every man to repair to his quarters. While every body was busied in the
performance of these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck,
trembling and looking aghast, and, with a voice half-suppressed by
fear, asked if I thought we were a match for the vessel in pursuit of
us. Observing his consternation, I said, “What! are you afraid, Strap.”
“Afraid! (he replied); n-n-no; what should I be afraid of? I thank God
I have a clear conscience; but I believe it will be a bloody battle,
and I wish you may not have occasion for another hand to assist you in
the cockpit.” I immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain
acquainted with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with
me and my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillanimity, bade me send
him down instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship’s company;
whereupon I told the poor steward that I had begged him for my
assistant, and desired him to go down and help my mates to get ready
the instruments and dressings. Notwithstanding the satisfaction he must
have felt at those tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting the upper
deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do his duty
above board; for he believed himself as well prepared for death as any
man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the captain. I was disgusted
at this affectation; and, in order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him
he might take his choice, either of going down to the cockpit with me,
or staying upon deck during the engagement. Alarmed at this
indifference, he replied, “Well, to oblige you, I’ll go down, but
remember it is more for your sake than my own.” So saying, he
disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting for an answer.

By this time, we could observe two tier of guns in the ship which
pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This
discovery had an evident effect upon the sailors, who did not scruple
to say, that we should be torn to pieces, and blown out of the water,
and that, if in case any of them should lose their precious limbs, they
must go a begging for life, for there was no provision made by the
merchants for those poor souls who are maimed in their service. The
captain, understanding this, ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them
thus: “My lads, I am told you hang an a—se. I have gone to sea thirty
years, a man and a boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before.
Mayhap you may think I want to expose you for the lucre of gain.
Whosoever thinks so, thinks a d—ned lie, for my whole cargo is insured;
so that, in case I should be taken, my loss would not be great. The
enemy is stronger than we, to be sure. What then? have we not a chance
for carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her? If we find
her too hard for us, ’tis but striking at last. If any man is hurt in
the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to make him
a recompense according to his loss. So now, you that are lazy,
lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away and skulk in the hold and bread-room;
and you, that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us give one
broadside for the honour of Old England.” This eloquent harangue was so
well adapted to the disposition of his hearers, that one and all of
them, pulling off their hats, waved them over their heads, and saluted
him with three cheers; upon which he sent his boy for two large
case-bottles of brandy: having treated every man with a dram, they
repaired to their quarters, and waited impatiently for the word of
command. I must do my uncle the justice to say, that in the whole of
his disposition, he behaved with the utmost intrepidity, conduct, and
deliberation. The enemy being very near, he ordered me to my station,
and was just going to give the word for hoisting the colours, and
firing, when the supposed Frenchman hauled down his white pennant,
jack, and ensign, hoisted English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us.
This was a joyful event to Captain Bowling, who immediately showed his
colours, and fired a gun to leeward; upon which the other ship ran
alongside of us, hailed him, and, giving him to know that she was an
English man-of-war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his boat and
come on board. This command he obeyed with the more alacrity, because,
upon inquiry, he found that she was commanded by an old messmate of
his, who was overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his
barge for the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his
account. As this commander was destined to cruise upon the French in
the latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with
white fleurs-de-lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised
for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not know
her, although he had sailed on board of her many years. We kept company
with her four days, during which time the captains were never asunder,
and then parted, our course lying different from hers.

In less than fortnight after our separation, we made the land of
Guinea, near the mouth of the River Gambia; and trading along the coast
as far to the southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula, in less than
six months disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, and purchased
four hundred negroes, my adventure having been laid out in gold dust.

Our complement being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negroe,
and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with
nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not unlike
the jail distemper, which broke out among our slaves and carried off a
good many of the ship’s company; among whom I lost one of my mates, and
poor Strap had well nigh given up the ghost. Having produced our
passport to the Spanish governor, we were received with great courtesy,
sold our slaves in a very few days, and could have put off five times
the number at our own price; though we were obliged to smuggle the rest
of our merchandise, consisting of European bale-goods, which however we
made shift to dispose of at a great advantage.




CHAPTER LXVI


I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we went with an
English Gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery—we leave
Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica


Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of negroes, to whom,
indeed, I had been a miserable slave since our leaving the coast of
Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, and breathe with pleasure the pure air
of Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned the Montpelier of South
America, and has obtained, on account of its climate, the name of
Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious place that I gave myself
entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, whose image still kept
possession of my breast, and whose charms, enhanced by absence,
appeared to my imagination, if possible, more engaging than ever! I
calculated the profits of my voyage, which even exceeded my
expectation; resolved to purchase sinecure upon my arrival in England,
and if I should find the squire as averse to me as ever, marry his
sister by stealth; and in case our family should increase, rely on the
generosity of my uncle, who was by this time worth a considerable sum.

While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the
transporting thoughts of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much caressed
by the Spanish gentlemen, who frequently formed parties of pleasure for
our entertainment, in which we made excursions a good way into the
country. Among those who signalised themselves by their civility to us,
was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite young gentleman, with whom
I had contracted an intimate friendship, who invited us one day to his
country house, and, as a further inducement to our compliance, promised
to procure for us the company of an English Signor, who had been
settled in those parts many years and acquired the love and esteem of
the whole province by his affability, good sense, and honourable
behaviour.

We accepted his invitation, and set out for his villa, where we had not
been longer than an hour, when the person arrived in whose favour I had
been so much prepossessed. He was a tall man, remarkably well shaped,
of a fine mien and appearance, commanding respect, and seemed to be
turned of forty; the features of his face were saddened with a reserve
and gravity, which in other countries would have been thought the
effect of melancholy; but here appeared to have been contracted by his
commerce with the Spaniards, who are remarkable for that severity of
countenance. Understanding from Don Antonio that we were his
countrymen, he saluted us all round very complacently, and fixing his
eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh. I had been struck with a
profound veneration for him at his first coming into the room; and no
sooner observed this expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in
a particular manner to me, that my heart took part in his grief; I
sympathised involuntarily and sighed in my turn. Having asked leave of
our entertainer, he accosted us in English, professed his satisfaction
at seeing so many of his countrymen in such a remote place, and asked
the captain, who went by the name of Signor Thoma, from what part of
Britain he had sailed and whither he was bound. My uncle told him that
we had sailed from the River Thames, and were bound for the same plane
by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of sugar.

Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the state
of the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing desire to
revisit his native country, in consequence of which he had already
transmitted to Europe the greatest part of his fortune in neutral
bottoms, and would willingly embark the rest of it with himself in our
ship, provided the captain had no objection to such a passenger. My
uncle very prudently replied, that for his part he should be glad of
his company, if he could procure the consent of the governor, without
which he durst not take him on board, whatever inclination he had to
oblige him. The gentleman approved of his discretion, and telling him
that there would be no difficulty in obtaining the connivance of the
governor, who was his good friend, shifted the conversation to another
subject.

I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself so
much in his favour that, had he been disappointed, I should have been
very unhappy. In the course of our entertainment, he eyed me with
uncommon attachment, I felt a surprising attraction towards him; when
he spoke, I listened with attention and reverence; the dignity of his
deportment filled me with affection and awe; and, in short, the
emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, were strong and
unaccountable.

Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave,
telling Captain Thoma, that he should hear from him in a short time. He
was no sooner gone than I asked a thousand questions about him of Don
Antonio, who could give me no other satisfaction than that his name was
Don Rodrigo, that he had lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts,
was reputed rich, and supposed to have been unfortunate in his younger
years, because he was observed to nourish a pensive melancholy, even
from the time of his first settlement among them; but that nobody had
ventured to inquire into the cause of his sorrow, in consideration of
his peace, which might suffer in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.

I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars of
his fate, and enjoyed not an hour of repose during the whole night, by
reason of the eager conceptions that inspired me with regard to his
story, which I resolved (if possible) to learn. Next morning, while we
were at breakfast, three mules, richly caparisoned, arrived with a
message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our company, and that of Don
Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten miles further up in
the country. I was pleased with this invitation, in consequence of
which we mounted the mules which he had provided for us, and alighted
at his house before noon. Here we were splendidly entertained by the
generous stranger, who still seemed to show a particular regard for me,
and after dinner made me a present of a ring, set with a beautiful
amethyst, the production of that country, saying, at the same time,
that he was once blessed with a son, who, had he lived, would have been
nearly of my age. This observation, delivered with a profound sigh,
made my heart throb with violence: a crowd of confused ideas rushed
upon my imagination, which, while I endeavoured to unravel, my uncle
perceived my absence of thought, and tapping me on the shoulder, said,
“Oons, are you asleep, Rory?” Before I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo,
with uncommon eagerness of voice and look, pronounced, “Pray, captain,
what is the young gentleman’s name?” “His name,” said my uncle, “is
Roderick Random.” “Gracious Powers!” cried the stranger, starting
up—“And his mother’s?” “His mother,” answered the captain, amazed, “was
called Charlotte Bowling.” “O bounteous Heaven!” exclaimed Don Rodrigo,
springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms, “my son! my
son! have I found thee again? do I hold thee in my embrace, after
having lost and despaired of seeing thee so long?” So saying, he fell
upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy; while the power of nature
operating strongly in my breast. I was lost in rapture, and while he
pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower of tears in his bosom. His
utterance was choked up a good while by the agitation of his soul; at
length he broke out into “Mysterious Providence!—O my dear Charlotte,
there yet remains a pledge of our love! and such a pledge!—so found! O
infinite Goodness, let me adore thy all-wise decrees!” Having thus
expressed himself, he kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and
hands to heaven, and remained some minutes in silent ecstacy of
devotion. I put myself in the same posture, adored the all-good
Dispenser in a prayer of mental thanksgiving: and when his ejaculation
was ended, did homage to my father, and craved his paternal blessing.
He hugged me again with unutterable fondness, and having implored the
protection of Heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and
presented me as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this
affecting scene. Among the rest, my uncle did not fail to discover the
goodness and joy of his heart. Albeit unused to the melting mood, he
blubbered with great tenderness, and wringing my father’s hand, cried,
“Brother Random, I’m rejoiced to see you—God be praised for this happy
meeting!” Don Rodrigo, understanding that he was his brother-in-law,
embraced him affectionately, saying, “Are you my Charlotte’s brother?
Alas! unhappy Charlotte! but why should I repine? we shall meet again,
never more to part! Brother, you are truly welcome. Dear son, I am
transported with unspeakable joy! This day is a jubilee—my friends and
servants shall share my satisfaction.”

While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood,
to announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, I
was so much affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed me on
this great, sudden, and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, fevered,
and in less than three hours became quite delirious: so that the
preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family converted
into grief and despair. Physicians were instantly called, I was
plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities were bathed in a
decoction of salutiferous herbs: in ten hours after I was taken ill I
enjoyed a critical sweat, and next day felt the remains of the
distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did not hinder me from
getting up. During the progress of this fever, which, from the term or
its duration, is called ephemera, my father never once quitted my
bedside, but administered the prescriptions of the physicians with the
most pious care; while Captain Bowling manifested his concern by the
like attendance. I no sooner found myself delivered from this disease,
than I bethought myself of my honest friend Strap; and resolving to
make him happy forthwith in the knowledge of my good fortune, told my
father in general, that I had been infinitely obliged to this faithful
adherent, and begged he would indulge me so far as to send for him,
without letting him know my happiness, until he could receive an
account of it from my own mouth.

My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare
mule despatched to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to the
mate, to send the steward by the bearer. My health being, in the
meantime, re-established, and my mind composed I began to relish this
important turn of my fortune, in reflecting upon the advantages with
which it must be attended; and, as the idea of my lovely Narcissa
always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could imagine, I
entertained myself now with the prospect of possessing her in that
distinguished sphere to which she was entitled by her birth and
qualifications. Having often mentioned her name while I was deprived of
my senses, my father guessed that there was an intimate connection
between us, and discovering the picture which hung in my bosom by
ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance of my amiable
mistress. In this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, who told him
that it was the picture of a young woman, to whom I was under promise
of marriage. Alarmed at this piece of information, Don Rodrigo took the
first opportunity of questioning me about the particulars of this
affair, which when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my passion,
and promised to contribute all in his power towards its success. Though
I never doubted his generosity, I was transported on this occasion, and
throwing myself at his feet, told him, he had now completed my
happiness, for, without the possession of Narcissa I should be
miserable among all the pleasures of life. He raised me with a smile of
paternal fondness; said he knew what it was to be in love; and observed
that, if he had been as tenderly beloved by his father as I was by
mine, he should not now perhaps have cause—here he was interrupted by a
sigh, the tear rushed into his eye, suppressed the dictates of his
grief, and the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages
of my life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprising. I
recounted the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which he
listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from time to time the
different emotions which my different situations may be supposed to
have raised in a parent’s breast; and, when my detail was ended,
blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which, he said, enlarged
the understanding, improved the heart, steeled the constitution, and
qualified a young man for all the duties and enjoyments of life much
better than any education which affluence could bestow.

When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination to
hear the particulars of his story, which he gratified by beginning with
his marriage, and proceeded to the day of his disappearing, as I have
related in the first part of my memoirs. “Careless of life,” continued
he, “and unable to live in a place where every object recalled the
memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost through the barbarity of
an unnatural parent, I took my leave of you, my child, then an infant,
with a heart full of unutterable woe, but little suspecting that my
father’s unkindness would have descended to my innocent orphan; and
setting out alone at midnight for the nearest seaport, early next
morning got on board a ship, bound, as I had heard, for France; and,
bargaining with the master for my passage, bade a long adieu to my
native country, and put to sea with the first fair wind. The place of
our destination was Granville, but we had the misfortune to run upon a
ridge of rocks near the Island of Alderney, called the Caskets, where
the sea running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk alongside,
and every soul on board perished, except myself, who, by the assistance
of a grating got ashore on the coast of Normandy. I went directly to
Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a count, whom I had formerly
known in my travels; with this gentleman I set out for Paris, where I
was recommended by him and other friends, as tutor to a young nobleman,
whom I accompanied to the court of Spain. There we remained a whole
year, at the end of which my pupil being recalled by his father, I
quitted my office, and stayed behind, by the advice of a certain
Spanish grandee, who took me into his protection, and introduced me to
another nobleman, who was afterwards created viceroy of Peru. He
insisted on my attending, him to his government of the Indies, where,
however, by reason of my religion, it was not in his power to make my
fortune any other way than by encouraging me to trade, which I had not
long prosecuted when my patron died, and I found myself in the midst of
strangers, without one friend to support or protect me. Urged by this
consideration, I sold my effects, and removed to this country, the
governor of which, having been appointed by the viceroy, was my
intimate acquaintance. Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during
a residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never
invaded but by the remembrance of your mother, whose death I have in
secret mourned without ceasing, and the reflection of you, whose fate I
could never learn notwithstanding all my inquiries by means of my
friends in France, who, after the most strict examination, could give
me no other account than that you went abroad six years ago, and was
never after heard of. I could not rest satisfied with this imperfect
information, and, though my hope of finding you was but languid,
resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which purpose, I have
remitted to Holland the value of twenty thousand pounds, and am in
possession of fifteen thousand more, with which I intended to embark
myself on board of Captain Bowling, before I discovered this amazing
stroke of Providence, which, you may be sure, has not altered my
intention.”

My father, having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of his
life, withdrew, in order to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his absence,
had done the honours of his house; and I was just dressed for my
appearance among the guests, when Strap arrived from the ship.

He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and saw the
magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, and
he gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him. I took him by
the hand, observed that I had sent for him to be a witness and sharer
of my happiness, and told him I had found a father. At these words he
started, and, after having continued some minutes with his mouth and
eyes wide open, cried, “Ah!—odd, I know what! go thy ways, poor
Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else—well—Lord, what a thing is
love! God help us! are all our mad pranks and protestations come to
this? And have you fixed your habitation in this distant land? God
prosper you—I find we must part at last—for I would not leave my poor
carcase so far from my native home, for all the wealth of the
universe!” With these ejaculations, he began to sob and make wry faces;
upon which I assured him of his mistake, both in regard to my staying
in Paraguay, and informed him, as briefly as I could, of the great
event that had happened. Never was rapture more ludicrously expressed
than in the behaviour of this worthy creature, who cried, laughed,
whistled, sung, and danced, all in a breath. His transport was scarce
over, when my father entered, who no sooner understood that this was
Strap, than he took him by the hand, saying, “Is this the honest man
who befriended you so much in your distress? You are welcome to my
house, and I will soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for
your good offices in his behalf; in the meantime go with us and partake
of the repast that is provided.” Strap, wild as he was with joy, would
by no means accept of the proffered honour, crying, “God forbid! I know
my distance—your worship shall excuse me.” And Don Rodrigo, finding his
modesty invincible, recommended him to his major-domo, to be treated
with the utmost respect; while he carried me in a large saloon, where I
was presented to a numerous company, who loaded me with compliments and
caresses, and congratulated my father in terms not proper for me to
repeat.

Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it suffice
to say, it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and the
rejoicings lasted two days; after which, Don Rodrigo settled his
affairs, converted his effects into silver and gold, visited and took
leave of all his friends, who were grieved at his departure, and
honoured me with considerable presents; and, coming on board of my
uncle’s ship, with the first fair wind we sailed from the Rio de la
Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the harbour of
Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica.




CHAPTER LXVII


I visit my old Friend Thompson—we set sail for Europe—meet with an odd
Adventure—arrive in England—I ride across the Country from Portsmouth
to Sussex—converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs me of Narcissa’s being
in London—in consequence of this Intelligence, I proceed to
Canterbury—meet with my old friend Morgan—arrive in London—visit
Narcissa—introduce my Father to be—he is charmed with her good sense
and beauty—we come to a Determination of demanding her Brother’s
Consent to our Marriage


I inquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion, Mr.
Thompson, and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition upon the
estate left him by his wife’s father, who had been dead some years, I
took horse immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard
me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours reached the place
of his habitation.

I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thompson’s sentiments to say
barely he was glad to see me: he felt all that the most sensible and
disinterested friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced me to
his wife, a very amiable young lady, who had already blessed him with
two fine children, and being as yet ignorant of my circumstances,
frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and interest. I thanked
him for his generous intention, and made him acquainted with my
situation, on which he congratulated me with great joy, and, after I
had stayed with him a whole day and night, accompanied me back to
Kingston, to wait upon my father, whom he invited to his house. Don
Rodrigo complied with his request, and, having been handsomely
entertained during the space of a week, returned extremely well
satisfied with the behaviour of my friend and his lady, to whom, at
parting, he presented a very valuable diamond ring, as a token of his
esteem. During the course of my conversation with Mr. Thompson, he gave
me to understand, that his old commander Captain Oakum was dead some
months, and that, immediately after his death, a discovery had been
made of some valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a
prize by the assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in
prison on that account, and, being destitute of friends, subsisted
solely on the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in the
most abject manner, after having been the barbarous occasion of driving
him to that terrible extremity on board of The Thunder, which we have
formerly related. Whatsoever this wretch had been guilty of, I
applauded Mr. Thompson’s generosity towards him in his distress, which
wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such a
private manner that he could never know his benefactor.

While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore,
Captain Bowling had written to his owners, by the packet, which sailed
a few days after our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage
hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship and cargo homeward
bound: after which precaution he applied himself so heartily to the
task of loading his ship that, with the assistance of Mr. Thompson, she
was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise procured
for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the greatest part of his gold and
silver, by which means it was secured against the risk of the seas and
the enemy; and, before we sailed, supplied us with such large
quantities of all kinds of stock, that not only we, but the ship’s
company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.

Everything being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers,
and, going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the first
day of June. We beat up to windward, with fine easy weather, and one
night believing ourselves near Cape Tiberon, lay to, with an intention
to wood and water next morning in the bay. While we remained in this
situation, a sailor, having drunk more new rum than he could carry,
staggered over board, and, notwithstanding all the means that could be
used to preserve him, went to the bottom, and disappeared. About two
hours after this melancholy accident happened, as I enjoyed the cool
air on the quarter-deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out of the
sea and calling, “Ho, the ship ahoy!” Upon which one of the men upon
the forecastle cried, “I’ll be d—n’d if that an’t Jack Marlinspike, who
went overboard!” Not a little surprised at this event, I jumped into
the boat that lay alongside, with the second mate and four men, and
rowing towards the place from whence the voice (which repeated the
hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the
water. When we had rowed a little further, we discerned it to be a man
riding upon a hencoop, who, seeing us approach, pronounced with a
hoarse voice, “D—n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?”
Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said, “By G—,
my lads, this is none of our man. This is the devil—pull away for the
ship.” The fellows obeyed his command without question, and were
already some fathoms on our return, when I insisted on their taking up
the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to go back to the wreck,
which when we came near the second time, and signified our intention,
we received an answer of “Avast, avast—what ship, brother?” Being
satisfied in this particular, he cried, “D—n the ship, I was in hopes
it had been my own—where are you bound?” We satisfied his curiosity in
this particular too; upon which he suffered himself to be taken on
board, and, after having been comforted with a dram, told us, he
belonged to the Vesuvio man-of-war, upon a cruise off the island of
Hispaniola; that he had fallen overboard four-and-twenty hours ago, and
the ship being under sail, they did not choose to bring to, but tossed
a hencoop overboard for his convenience, upon which he was in good
hopes of reaching the Cape next morning: howsomever, he was as well
content to be aboard of us because he did not doubt that we should meet
his ship, and if he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been
taken prisoner by the French. My uncle and father were very much
diverted with the account of this fellow’s unconcerned behaviour; and
in two days, meeting with the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on
board of her, according to his desire.

Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to the
northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks arrived
in the soundings, and in two days after made for the Lizard. It is
impossible to express the joy I felt at the sight of English ground!
Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap shed tears of gladness. The
sailors profited by our satisfaction, the shoe that was nailed to the
mast being quite filled with our liberality. My uncle resolved to run
up into the Downs at once, but the wind shifting when we were abreast
of the Isle of Wight, he was obliged to turn into St. Helen’s, and come
to Spithead, to the great mortification of the crew, thirty of whom
were immediately pressed on board a man-of-war.

My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, leaving Strap
with the captain to go round with the ship and take care of our
effects; and I discovered so much impatience to see my charming
Narcissa, that my father permitted me to ride across the country to her
brother’s house; while he should hire a post-chaise for London, where
he would wait for me at a place to which I directed him.

Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very night,
and in the morning reached an inn about three miles from the squire’s
habitation; here I remained till next morning, allaying the torture of
my impatience with the rapturous hope of seeing that divine creature
after an absence of eighteen months, which, far from impairing, had
raised my love to the most exalted pitch! Neither were my reflections
free from apprehensions: that something intervened in spite of all my
hope, and represented her as having yielded to the importunity of her
brother and blessed the arms of a happy rival. My thoughts were even
maddened with the fear of her death; and, when I arrived in the dark at
the house of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire
admittance, lest my soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At
length, however, I knocked, and no sooner certified the good
gentlewoman of my voice than she opened the door, and received me with
the most affectionate embrace, that brought tears into her aged eyes:
“For heaven’s sake, dear mother,” cried I, “tell me how is Narcissa? is
she the same that I left her?” She blessed my ears with saying, “She is
as beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever.”
Transported at this assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her
that very night, when this sage matron gave me to understand that my
mistress was in London, and that things were strangely altered in the
squire’s house since my departure; that he had been married a whole
year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention so much
from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely sister,
comforting himself with the clause in his father’s will, by which she
should forfeit her fortune, by marrying without his consent: that my
mistress, being but indifferently treated by her sister-in-law, had
made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone to town, where she
was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation of my arrival; and had
been pestered with the addresses of Lord Quiverwit, who, finding her
heart engaged, had fallen upon a great many shifts to persuade her that
I was dead; but, finding all his artifices unsuccessful, and despairing
of gaining her affection, he had consoled himself for her indifference,
by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who had already left him on
account of some family uneasiness. Besides this interesting
information, she told me there was not a great deal of harmony between
Melinda and the squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of
gallants who continued to hover about her even after her marriage, that
he had hurried her down into the country, much against her own
inclination, where their mutual animosities had risen to such a height,
that they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused
one another in the grossest terms.

This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear
Narcissa’s unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last
letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much
honour, tenderness, and concern, that my soul was fired with
impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it
the sooner in my power to make her happy. Mrs. Sagely, perceiving my
eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally divided between
Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with which
I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish gratification
to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely
depend upon me, after having bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked
her for her kind concern, and as briefly as possible described my
flourishing situation, which afforded this humane person infinite
wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that now I had an opportunity to
manifest my gratitude for the many obligations I owed, I would
endeavour to make her old age comfortable and easy; as a step to which
I proposed she should come and live with Narcissa and me. This
venerable gentlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the
tears ran down her ancient cheeks; she thanked heaven that I had not
belied the presages she had made, on her first acquaintance with me;
acknowledging my generosity, as she called it, in the most elegant and
pathetic expressions; but declined my proposal, on account of her
attachment to the dear melancholy cottage where she had so peacefully
consumed her solitary widowhood. Finding her immovable on this subject,
I insisted on her accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my
leave, resolving to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the
more comfortable support of the infirmities of old age.

Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning,
where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I walked into the
inn, perceived an apothecary’s on the other side of the street, with
the name of Morgan over the door; alarmed at this discovery, I could
not help thinking that my old messmate had settled in this place, and
upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and that he was married lately
to a widow in that city, by whom he had got three thousand pounds.
Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop as soon as it was
open, and found my friend behind the counter, busy in preparing a
clyster. I saluted him at entrance, with, “Your servant, Mr. Morgan.”
Upon which he looked at me, and replying, “Your most humble servant,
good sir,” rubbed his ingredients in the mortar without any emotion.
“What,” said I, “Morgan, have you forgot your old messmate?” At these
words he looked up again, and starting, cried, “As Cot is my—sure it
cannot—yes, by my salfation, I pelieve it is my dear friend Mr.
Rantom.” He was no sooner convinced of my identity, than he threw down
the pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, swept up
the contents with his clothes, flew about my neck, hugged me
affectionately, and daubed me all over with turpentine and the yolks of
eggs which he had been mixing when I came in. Our mutual
congratulations being over, he told me, that he found himself a widower
upon his return from the West Indies; that he had got interest to be
appointed surgeon of a man-of-war, in which capacity he had served some
years, until he married an apothecary’s widow, with whom he now enjoyed
a pretty good sum of money, peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good
trade. He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured
him I had not time to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances
were very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be in
such a hurry as at present. He insisted, however, on my staying
breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to be a decent
sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of our
conversation, he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged with him at
our parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud to see that
I had preserved his with the same care. When I informed him of
Mackshane’s condition, he seemed at first to exult over his distress;
but, after a little recollection, said, “Well, he has paid for his
malice; I forgife him, and may Cot forgife him likewise.” He expressed
great concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which he believed was now
gnashing its teeth; but it was some time before I could convince him of
Thompson’s being alive, at whose good fortune, nevertheless, he was
extremely glad.

Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bade the honest
Welshman and his spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, arrived at
London that same night, where I found my father in good health, to whom
I imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. This indulgent parent
approved of my intention of marrying her, even without fortune,
provided her brother’s consent could not be obtained; promised to make
over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a fashionable
manner and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable creature, who had
captivated me so much. As I had not slept the night before, and was
besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself under a necessity of
taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly: next morning, about
ten o’clock, took a chair, and according to Mrs. Sagely’s directions,
went to my charmer’s lodgings, and inquired for Miss Williams. I had
not waited in the parlour longer than a minute, when this young woman
entered, and no sooner perceived me, than she shrieked and ran
backward: but I got between her and the door, and clasping her in my
arms, brought her to herself with an embrace. “Good heaven,” cried she,
“Mr. Random, is it you indeed? My mistress will run distracted with
joy.” I told her, it was from an apprehension that my sudden appearance
might have had some bad effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired
to see her first, in order to concert some method of acquainting her
mistress gradually with my arrival. She approved of my conduct, and,
after having yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship, in
asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself with that
office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the
object of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down
the stairs in haste, and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager
tone, “O heaven! is it possible! where is he?” How were my faculties
aroused at this well known sound! and how was my soul transported when
she broke in upon my view in all the bloom of ripened beauty! Grace was
in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in every gesture dignity and love!
You, whose souls are susceptible of the most delicate impressions,
whose tender bosoms have felt the affecting vicissitudes of love, who
have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the dear object
of your hope, and found at your return the melting fair as kind and
constant as your heart can wish, do me justice on this occasion, and
conceive what unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into
each other’s arms! This was no time for speech: locked in a mutual
embrace, we continued some minutes in a silent trance of joy! When I
thus encircled all my soul held dear—while I hung over her
beauties—beheld her eyes sparkle, and every feature flush with virtuous
fondness—when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with undissembled
rapture, and knew myself the happy cause—heavens! what was my
situation! I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, and to
renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky expression
so poorly describes the emotions of my soul. “O adorable Narcissa!”
cried I, “O miracle of beauty, love and truth! I at last fold thee in
my arms! I at last can call thee mine! No jealous brother shall thwart
our happiness again; fortune hath at length recompensed me for all my
sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love.” The dear creature
smiled ineffably charmingly, and, with a look of bewitching tenderness,
said, “and shall we never part again?” “Never,” I replied, “thou
wondrous pattern of all earthly perfection! never, until death shall
divide us! By this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than
the breeze that sweeps the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!”

As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. I
was giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue and
philosophy were scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate sallies of
desire. Narcissa perceived the conflict within me, and with her usual
dignity of prudence, called off my imagination from the object in view,
and with eager expressions of interested curiosity, desired to know the
particulars of my voyage. In this I gratified her inclination, bringing
my story down to the present hour. She was infinitely surprised at the
circumstance of finding my father, which brought tears into her lovely
eyes. She was transported at hearing that approved of my flame,
discovered a longing desire of being introduced to him, congratulated
herself and me upon my good fortune, and observed, that this great and
unexpected stroke of fate seemed to have been brought about by the
immediate direction of Providence. Having entertained ourselves some
hours with the genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained her consent
to complete my happiness as soon as my father should judge it proper;
and, applying with my own hands a valuable necklace, composed of
diamonds and amethysts set alternately, which an old Spanish lady at
Paraguay had presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in
the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this generous parent
inquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, to
whom, that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand a deed,
by which I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds,
exclusive of the profits of my own merchandise, which amounted to three
thousand more. After dinner I accompanied him to the lodgings of my
mistress, who, being dressed for the occasion, made a most dazzling
appearance. I could perceive him struck with her figure, which I really
think was the most beautiful that ever was created under the sun. He
embraced her tenderly, and told her he was proud of having a son who
had spirit to attempt, and qualifications to engage the affections of
such a fine lady. She blushed at this compliment, and, with eyes full
of the softest languishment turned upon me, said, she should have been
unworthy of Mr. Random’s attention, had she been blind to his
extraordinary merit. I made no other answer than a low bow. My father,
sighing, pronounced, “Such was once my Charlotte;” while the tear
rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself
in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his presence, I would
have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of our
conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodrigo was as much
charmed with her good sense as with her appearance, and she was no less
pleased with his understanding and polite address. It was determined
that he should write to the squire, signifying his approbation of my
passion for his sister, and offering a settlement, which he should have
no reason to reject; and that, if he should refuse the proposal, we
would crown our mutual wishes without any further regard to his will.




CHAPTER LXVIII


My Father makes a present to Narcissa—the Letter is dispatched to her
Brother—I appear among my Acquaintance—Banter’s Behaviour—the Squire
refuses his Consent—my Uncle comes to Town—approves of my Choice—I am
married—we meet the Squire and his Lady at the Play—our Acquaintance is
courted


After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, my
father addressed himself thus to Narcissa. “Madam, give me leave to
consider you hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon
your accepting this first instance of my paternal duty and affection.”
With these words he put into her hand a bank note of five hundred
pounds, which she no sooner examined, than with a low courtesy she
replied. “Dear sir, though I have not the least occasion for this
supply, I have too great a veneration for you to refuse this proof of
your generosity and esteem, which I the more freely receive, because I
already look upon Mr. Random’s interest as inseparably connected with
mine.” He was extremely well pleased with her frank and ingenuous
reply, upon which we saluted, and wished her good night. The letter, at
my request, was dispatched to Sussex by an express, and in the
meantime, Don Rodrigo, to grace my nuptials, hired a ready furnished
house, and set up a very handsome equipage.

Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my
soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, who
were astonished at the magnificence of my appearance. Banter in
particular was confounded at the vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes
of which he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I thought fit to
disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly in consideration of
our former intimacy, and partly to prevent unfavourable conjectures,
which he and others, in all probability, would have made in regard to
my circumstances. He professed great satisfaction at this piece of
news; and I had no cause to believe him insincere, when I considered
that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt he owed
me, and at the same time flatter himself with the hopes of borrowing
more. I carried him home to dinner with me, and my father liked his
conversation so much, that, upon hearing his difficulties, he desired
me to accommodate him for the present, and inquire, if he would accept
of a commission in the army, towards the purchase of which he should
willingly lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity
of being alone with me, when, as I expected, he told me that he was
just on the point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir
he was, but wanted a few pieces for immediate expense, which he desired
I would lend him and take my bond for the whole. His demand was limited
to ten guineas; and when I put twenty in his hand, he stared at me for
some moments; then, putting it into his purse, “Ay,—’tis all one—you
shall have the whole in a very short time.” When I had taken his note,
to save the expense of a bond, I expressed some surprise that a fellow
of his spirit should loiter away his time in idleness, and, asked why
he did not choose to make his fortune in the army. “What,” said he,
“throw away money upon a subaltern’s commission, and be under the
command of a parcel of scoundrels, who have raised themselves above me
by the most infamous practices. No, I love independency too well to
sacrifice my life, health, and pleasure, for such a pitiful
consideration.” Finding him adverse to this way of life, I changed the
subject, and returned to Don Rodrigo, who had just received the
following epistle from the squire:

“Sir,—Concerning a letter which I received, subscribed R. Random, this
is the answer. As for you, I know nothing of you. Your son, or
pretended son, I have seen; if he marries my sister, at his peril be
it; I do declare that he shall not have one farthing of her fortune,
which becomes my property, if she takes a husband without my consent.
Your settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no better
than you should be; but if you had all the wealth of the Indies, your
son shall never match in our family with the consent of
    “Orson Topehall”


My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having
heard the character of the author; and as for me, I was even pleased at
his refusal, because I had now an opportunity of showing my
disinterested love. By his permission I waited on my charmer: and
having imparted the contents of her brother’s letter, at which she wept
bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time of our
marriage was fixed two days. During this interval, in which my soul was
wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa
endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage
with me; but, finding them all deaf to her remonstrances, either out of
envy or prejudice, she told me with the most enchanting sweetness,
while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, “Sure the world will no
longer question your generosity when you take a poor forlorn beggar to
your arms?” Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my
breast, and swore that she was more dear and welcome on that account,
because she had sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love for me.
My uncle, for whose character she had a great veneration, being by this
time come to town, I introduced him to my bride; and, although he was
not very much subject to refined sensations, he was struck dumb with
admiration at her beauty. After having kissed and gazed at her for some
time, he turned to me, saying. “Odds bobs, Rory! a notable prize
indeed, finely built and gloriously rigged, i’faith! If she an’t well
manned when you take the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to
sea in a cockle shell. No offence, I hope, niece! you must not mind
what I say, being (as the saying is) a plain seafaring man, though
mayhap I have as much regard for you as another.” She received him with
great civility, told him she had longed a great while to see a person
to whom she was so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. Random; that
she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she begged leave to
call him for the future; and that she was very sure he could say
nothing that would give her the least offence. The honest captain was
transported at her courteous behaviour, and insisted upon giving her
away at the ceremony, swearing that he loved her as well as if she was
his own child, and that he would give two thousand guineas to the first
fruit of our love, as soon as it would squeak. Everything being settled
for the solemnisation of our nuptials, which were to be performed
privately at my father’s house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don
Rodrigo and my uncle went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss
Williams: leaving me with a parson, Banter, and Strap, neither of whom
had as yet seen my charming mistress. My faithful valet, who was on the
rack of impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no
sooner understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself
at a window, to have a peep at her as she alighted; and, when he saw
her, clapped his hands together, turned up the white of his eyes, and,
with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of ecstacy, which broke
out into “O Dea certe! qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per iuga Cynthi
exercet Diana choros?” The doctor and Banter were surprised to hear my
man speak Latin; but when my father led Narcissa into the room, the
object of their admiration was soon changed, as appeared in the
countenances of both. Indeed, they must have been the most insensible
of all beings, could they have beheld without emotion the divine
creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack of white satin,
embroidered on the breast with gold, the crown of her head was covered
with a small French cap, from whence descended her beautiful hair in
ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck, which dignified the necklace I
had given her; her looks glowed with modesty and love; and her bosom,
through the veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a prospect of
Elysium! I received this inestimable gift of Providence as became me;
and in a little time the clergyman did his office, my uncle, at his own
earnest request, acting the part of a father to my dear Narcissa, who
trembled very much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to support her
under this great change of situation. Soon as she was mine by the laws
or heaven and earth, I printed a burning kiss upon her lips; my father
embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I
presented her to my friend Banter, who saluted her in a very polite
manner; Miss Williams hung round her neck, and went plentifully; while
Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady’s hand, which
she presented with great affability. I shall not pretend to describe my
own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say that having supped
and entertained ourselves till ten o’clock, I cautioned my Narcissa
against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was
prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment destined for
us. When she left the room, her face overspread with a blush that set
all my blood in a state of fermentation, and made every pulse beat with
tenfold vigour! She was so cruel as to let me remain in this condition
a full half-hour: when, no longer able to restrain my impatience, I
broke from the company, burst into her chamber, pushed out her
confidante, and locked the door, and found her—O heaven and earth!—a
feast a thousand times more delicious than my most sanguine hopes
presaged! But, let me not profane the chaste mysteries of Hymen. I was
the happiest of men!

In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter had
placed under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, and enjoyed
the unspeakable satisfaction of contemplating those angelic charms
which were now in my possession! Beauty! which, whether sleeping or
awake, shot forth peculiar graces! The light darting upon my Narcissa’s
eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting her situation, hid her blushes
in my bosom. I was distracted with joy! I could not believe the
evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had happened as the
fictions of a dream! In the meantime my uncle knocked at the door, and
bade me turn out, for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, and
sent Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulation
of Captain Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase with great
success. In less than an hour, Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast,
where she received the compliments of the company on her looks, which,
they said, if possible, were improved by matrimony. As her delicate
ears were offended with none of those indecent ambiguities which are
too often spoken on such occasions, she behaved with dignity,
unaffected modesty, and ease; and, as a testimony of my affection and
esteem, I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which
I settled the whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs for
ever. She accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgment,
observed, that she could not be surprised at anything of this kind I
should do, and desired my father to take the trouble of keeping it,
saying, “Next to my own Mr. Random, you are the person in whom I ought
to have the greatest confidence.” Charmed with her prudent and
ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured her that
it should not lose its value while in his custody.

As we had not many visits to give and receive, the little time we
stayed in town was spent in going to public diversions, where I have
the vanity to think Narcissa was seldom eclipsed. One night, in
particular, we sent our footman to keep one of the stage boxes, which
we no sooner entered, than we perceived in the opposite box the squire
and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at seeing us. I was
pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; the more, because
Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, who happened that
night to outshine her sister both in beauty and dress. She was piqued
at Narcissa’s victory, tossed her head a thousand different ways,
flirted her fan, looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her
husband, and broke out into an affected giggle; but all her arts proved
ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs. Random, or to conceal her own
mortification, which at length forced her away long before the play was
done. The news of our marriage being spread, with many circumstances to
our disadvantage, by the industry of this malignant creature, a certain
set of persons fond of scandal began to inquire into the particulars of
my fortune, which they no sooner understood to be independent, than the
tables were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had
been despised before: but she had too much dignity of pride to
encourage this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she
could never be prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they
had raised to her prejudice.




CHAPTER LXIX


My father intends to revisit the Place of his Nativity—we propose to
accompany him—my Uncle renews his will in my favour, determining to go
to sea again—we set out for Scotland—arrive at Edinburgh—purchase our
paternal Estate—proceed to it—halt at the Town where I was
educated—take up my bond to Crab—the Behaviour of Potion and his Wife,
and one of our Female Cousins—our Reception at the Estate—Strap marries
Miss Williams, and is settled by my Father to his own satisfaction—I am
more and more happy.


My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute
of a few tears at my mother’s grave, Narcissa and I resolved to
accompany him in the execution of his pious office, and accordingly
prepared for the journey, in which, however, my uncle would not engage,
being resolved to try his fortune once more at sea. In the meantime he
renewed his will in favour of my wife and me, and deposited it in the
hands of his brother-in-law: while I (that I might not be wanting to my
own interest) summoned the squire to produce his father’s will at
Doctors’ Commons, and employed a proctor to manage the affair in my
absence.

Everything being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends in
London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss Williams,
and I, in the coach, and Strap, with two men in livery, on horseback;
as we made easy stages, my charmer held it out very well, till we
arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to rest ourselves some weeks.

Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that the foxhunter had spoilt his
estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he
determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and
actually bought all the land that belonged to his father.

In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in order
to go and take possession; and by the way halted one night in that town
where I was educated. Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. Crab was dead;
whereupon I sent for his executor, paid the sum I owed with interest,
and took up my bond. Mr. Potion and his wife, hearing of my arrival,
had the assurance to come to the inn where we lodged, and send up their
names, with the desire of being permitted to pay their respects to my
father and me: but their sordid behaviour towards me, when I was an
orphan, had made too deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by
this mean mercenary piece of condescension: I therefore rejected their
message with disdain, and bade Strap tell them, that my father and I
desired to have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they
were.

They had not been gone half-an-hour, when a woman, without any
ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and, making towards
my father, accosted him with, “Uncle, your servant—I am glad to see
you.” This was no other than one of my female cousins, mentioned in the
first part of my memoirs, to whom Don Rodrigo replied, “Pray, who are
you, madam?” “Oh!” cried she, “my cousin Rory there knows me very well.
Don’t you remember me, Rory?” “Yes, madam,” said I; “for my own part, I
shall never forget you. Sir, this is one of the young ladies, who (as I
have formerly told you) treated me so humanely in my childhood!” When I
pronounced these words, my father’s resentment glowed in his visage,
and he ordered her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she
retired in a fright, muttering curses as she went downstairs. We
afterwards learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already
spent all her fortune; and that her sister had borne a child to her
mother’s footman, who is now her husband, and keeps a petty alehouse in
the country.

The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place
before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to
compliment us with the freedom of their town; upon which my father,
considering their complaisance in the right point of view, ordered the
horses to the coach early in the morning.

We proceeded to our estate, which lay about twenty miles from this
place; and, when we came within half-a-league of the house, were met by
a prodigious number of poor tenants, men, women, and children, who
testified their joy by loud acclamations, and accompanied our coach to
the gate. As there is no part of the world in which the peasants are
more attached to their lords than in Scotland, we were almost devoured
by their affections. My father had always been their favourite, and now
that he appeared their master, after having been thought dead so long,
their joy broke out into a thousand extravagances. When we entered the
court yard, we were surrounded by a vast number, who crowded together
so closely to see us that several were in danger of being squeezed to
death; those who were near Don Rodrigo fell upon their knees, and
kissed his hand, or the hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life
and prosperity to him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same
manner; while the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked
heaven to shower its choicest blessings on our heads! In short, the
whole scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of
my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from
dropping a tear.

Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some
bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought from the
neighbouring village, to regale these honest people, who had not
enjoyed such a holiday for many years before.

Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, most of
them our relations, one of whom brought along my cousin, the foxhunter,
who had stayed at his house since he was obliged to leave his own! My
father was generous enough to receive him kindly, and even promised to
purchase for him a commission in the army, for which he expressed great
thankfulness and joy.

My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her beauty,
affability, and good sense; and so well pleased with the situation of
the place, and the company round, that she has not as yet discovered
the least desire of changing her habitation.

We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father to
pay a visit to the village where I had been at school. Here we were
received by the principal inhabitants, who entertained us in the
church, where Mr. Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being dead)
pronounced a Latin oration in honour of our family. And none exerted
themselves more than Strap’s father and relations, who looked upon the
honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, and honoured his
benefactors accordingly. Having received the homage of this place, we
retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of the
parish; and that very night, Strap being a little elevated with the
regard that had been shown to him, and to me on his account, ventured
to tell me, that he had a sneaking kindness for Miss Williams, and
that, if his lady and I would use our interest in his behalf, he did
not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. Surprised at this
proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that unfortunate young
gentlewoman; upon which he replied, “Yes, yes, I know what you mean—she
has been unhappy, I grant you—but what of that? I am convinced of her
reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat her with such
respect. As for the censure of the world, I value it not a fig’s
end—besides, the world knows nothing of the matter.” I commended his
philosophy, and interested Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so
effectually, that in a little time Miss Williams yielded her consent,
and they were married at the approbation of Don Rodrigo, who gave him
five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his
estate. My generous bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so that they
live in great peace and plenty within half-a-mile of us, and daily put
up prayers for our preservation.

If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it. The
impetuous transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed into
endearing fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that intimate
connection and interchange of hearts which nought but virtuous wedlock
can produce. Fortune seems determined to make ample amends for her
former cruelty, for my proctor writes that, notwithstanding the clause
in my father-in-law’s will, on which the squire founds his claim, I
shall certainly recover my wife’s fortune, in consequence of a codicil
annexed, which explains that clause, and limits her restriction to the
age of nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal. I would have
set out for London immediately after receiving this piece of
intelligence, but my dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins
to grow remarkably round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in
such an interesting situation, which I hope will produce something to
crown my felicity.