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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 62.
JANUARY 27, 1872.




[Illustration: THE LIQUOR CONTROVERSY.

'_Spectable Citizen_. "ISH MY OPI'ION THISH P'MISSIVE BILL 'SH
VEXASH'IOUS MEASURE. (_Hic!_) WHY SHOULD I BE D'PRIVED OF NESH-SH-ARY
R'FRESHMENT, 'CAUSE ANOTHER PARTY HASN'T--CAN'T--DOESN'T--KNOW WHEN
HE'SH HAD ENOUGH? SHTAN' UP, OL' MAN!!!"]

                               * * * * *

                       A JINGLE FOR ST. JAMES'S.

                      (_By a Musical Enthusiast._)

    THE Monday Pops! The Monday Pops!
    Whoe'er admires what some call "Ops;"
    Should go, and lick his mental chops,
    While feasting at the Monday Pops.

    The Monday Pops! The Monday Pops!
    To me their music far o'er-tops,
    The jingling polkas and galóps,
    On cracked pianos played at hops.

    Nor almond rock, nor lemon-drops,
    Nor sugar-plums, nor lollipops,
    With which small children cram their crops,
    Are sweeter than the Monday Pops.

    The Monday Pops! The Monday Pops!
    Delight of fogies and of fops!
    The music that all other wops,
    Is given at the Monday Pops.

    Their fame all rivals far o'er-tops:
    You see their programmes at the shops;
    And here the bard exhausted stops,
    His rhymings on the Monday Pops.

                               * * * * *

                               TRUE BILL?

MUCH ingenuity has been expended in trying to prove that SHAKSPEARE was
a lawyer, and, amongst other passages in his writings, the two first
lines of the Sonnet which commences--

    "When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
    I summon up remembrance of things past,"

may be thought to indicate that he possessed legal acquirements. Has it,
however, occurred to the editors and commentators, that these lines are
capable of another interpretation, and may be considered to add a new
item to our scanty knowledge of SHAKSPEARE'S personal history, if we
take the more probable view, that when he penned them he had in his
mind's eye those familiar Tribunals--the Quarter Sessions--to which, it
may be whilst residing in the Metropolis, but most undoubtedly after his
retirement to Stratford, he would be summoned in the capacity of Grand
Juryman?

                               * * * * *

                            SOUP AND SERMON.

THE _Morning Post_ records an interesting case of--

    "SUPPER TO CONVICTED FELONS.--On Tuesday evening a supper was
    given to one hundred and fifty convicted felons by NED WRIGHT,
    the well-known converted burglar, at the Mission Hall, Hales
    Street, High Street, Deptford. The candidates for tickets of
    admission were compelled to attend the night before the supper
    and give an account of themselves to prove that they really were
    convicted felons, and by the sharp and close questioning of MR.
    WRIGHT, about fifty were refused tickets as impostors."

The fifty impostors who were fain to palm themselves off as convicts for
the sake of a supper, must have been poor knaves indeed. These
supernumeraries, for whom there was no seat at the table of Society,
constitute a spectacle on the stage of life which it may be painful to
some people and pleasant to others to contemplate from the dress circle.
It is too probable that this Capital contains very many more of these
Esaus, as they might be called if they had anything of a character so
valuable as a birthright to dispose of on ESAU'S terms, with the small
extras undermentioned:--

    "The recipients of this Charity were a very motley crew, and
    ranged in years from six up to fifty. They were each served with
    a quantity of soup and a bag containing bread and a bun, after
    which MR. WRIGHT addressed them in his own peculiar manner,
    being listened to with marked attention."

MR. WRIGHT, we may suppose, took care to preach in a "tongue
understanded of the people" who constituted his hearers, and accordingly
delivered a considerable portion of his discourse in the language which
our great-grandfathers called thieves' Latin. A sermon in slang,
however, would, perhaps, be more curious than edifying. Let us hope that
MR. WRIGHT'S may possibly have had the effect of converting the guests
who would once have been his pals from the error of their ways, formerly
his own. Such, at least, appears to have been his laudable intention:--

    "A large number of ladies and gentlemen interested in such work
    attended and gave the benefit of their advice and co-operation.
    In the course of the evening MR. WRIGHT announced his intention
    of taking under his patronage a number of the boys then present,
    who might be desirous of earning an honest livelihood, and
    furnishing them with money and clothes to make a fair start in
    life."

It would rejoice both ourselves and our benevolent readers to know that
the acceptance of this offer by a considerable number of MR. WRIGHT'S
young friends may be the commencement of a career of good living,
wherein they will very soon attain to better fare than a quantity of
soup, a bag of bread, and a bun, quite good enough as that is for
convicted felons, besides being peculiarly suitable as precluding any
necessity for knives and forks chained to the table.

                               * * * * *

                        =Lawyers and Lunatics.=

HOW hardly will Judges, for the most part, admit the plea of insanity in
exculpation from a charge of murder! How readily are they wont to
entertain it as a reason for setting aside a will! How right they are in
either instance! Suppose a maniac is hanged as a man of sound mind, his
execution serves just as well, for the purpose of example, as it would
if he were. But my Luds would make a mistake on the wrong side by
misdirecting Jurors to determine insanity to have been sanity in a case
wherein a lunatic might possibly have misdisposed of property.

                               * * * * *

                           =Serious Affair.=

A MOST determined act of self-inflicted torture has recently
caused a considerable sensation in a fashionable quarter of Town.
A lady, young, lovely, and accomplished, with troops of friends,
and all that makes life enjoyable at her command, was detected
deliberately "screwing up" her face!

                               * * * * *

              EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF THE COMING WOMAN.

[Illustration: T]O the Temple of Untrammelled Thought.

_Sunday, May 10, 1882._ Heard a transcendent oration from Althea Duxmore
on "Dogmas and Dogmatics." Bi-monthly levy for the expenses of the
Temple. Stephanotis Hewleigh and I the eleemosynars who collected in the
new Septentrional Vestibule, where the men are put. Their united
contributions amounted exactly to half a Victoria! Several dimes in the
salver. The new Act, limiting the personal expenses of Adult Males, may
have something to do with this. Shall move in the Saloon for Returns
showing the working of the Act. Alfred nowhere to be seen in the
Vestibule; perhaps detained by the children's toilette. In the afternoon
at the new Museum of Natural History opened this Spring, at Kensington.
The Galleries crowded. Several of us, including Professors Sara Sabina
Thewes and Caroline Gostrong, delivered extemporary lectures on the
animals; the men very attentive. In the evening to St. Paul's; heard the
new organist, Charlotte Bach Stopmore, Mus. Doc. The Cathedral a blaze
of splendour with the Tyndaluminospectric light. We Women have yet
something to learn in physical science.

_Monday, May 11._ Received, by appointment, a deputation from the
electors of New Marylebone, inviting me to candidate that District at
the next General Election. Mrs. Admiral Stenterton, and Miss Lydia Boss
Wolloby, the dominant spokeswomen. Spread out my views on the Husbands'
Regulation Movement, the Cigar-Tax, the Compulsory Inspection of Men's
Clubs, and the Repudiation of the National Debt. All satisfactory, and I
agreed to retire from Jutley. Deputation luncheoned with me. No place
kept for Alfred, who had to sit at a side-table.

To the Club (the Gynecium), and flashed a long private cryptogram to the
Chairwoman of my Committee at Jutley. Dined at the Club. After dinner in
the Fumitory. Took a Cabriole to the Saloon. Driver an extortionist; but
I knew the exact distance, to the tenth of a kilometre. Saloon debating
the Juries Exemption (Women) Bill. Spoke, I think, with sensation. The
venerable Earl of Hughenden came in as I was perorating. Alfred, in the
Gentlemen's Gallery, in tears. I wore my black velvet and point lace
pelerine, with the diamond star he gave me after the Jutley election.
That tiresome, tedious, insufferable Hannah Longbore (how South-West
Suffolk stands her so long I cannot imagine) prosed on against the Bill,
and sided with the Men, but we fidgeted her down at last. She had on
that old crimson satin which has seen three sessions at least! Maiden
speech from Marian Spray--pretty enough. Forget what Men spoke. Mrs.
Leader Donne, the lovely (!) and accomplished Member for Ironville,
closed the debate. Rather too great a parade of learning; positively she
quoted Lycophron in the original! But we all see through Mrs. Leader's
schemes--she means the Educational Under-Secretaryship, when Bella
Falayse goes to the Upper Saloon as a Peeress _jure suo_. Home by
Twelve. Alfred sitting up for me. What a resource that _Hortus Siccus_
is to him!

_Tuesday, May 12._--Card from Madge Bassingham, R.A., for her Inaugural
Praelection, as Pigmentary Professor at the Royal Academy. Could not go,
as I was engaged on a Committee at the Saloon--Metropolis Extension,
Brighton Annexation Bill. Dined with Mrs. Abraham Skrooley, M.P. Woman's
party. The Constantia exquisite. Discussed over our cigarettes the
arrangements for the approximating Women's Cosmopolitan Congress. Alfred
and one or two other Men came in the evening.

_Wednesday, May 13._ Not well in the morning. Flashed for Dr. Martha
Walkingholme. She was detained at the Spleen Hospital, but her partner,
Harriet Chamomile, came and applied the Magnetic Detonator to my spine
and the backs of my ears. Instant relief. In the evening at the Biennial
Banquet of the Indigent Widowers' Pension Fund at Willis's. The Duchess
of Middlesex in the chair. After dinner the Indigent Widowers circuited
the tables, and attracted much attention by their neat and respectable
appearance. I proposed the toast of "The Gentlemen." Alfred responsed,
and for a wonder did _not_ break down.

_Thursday, May 14._ Gave Cook a lesson on the harp before breakfast.
Sitting in the Library reading Mill's "Woman Triumphant," when my
electric alarum rang. Message from Oxford from my youngest sister,
Bianca, to say that she had that instant been elected Fellow of Carlyle
College. Three hundred and ten competitors. Tremendous examination,
lasting three weeks. Bianca's thorough domination of Russian, Japanese,
political economy, statistics, aërostatics, electrology, hygiene and
thermapeutics, gave her the victory. Hope some day she will stand for
the University. For joy I took a half holiday. (Left Alfred quite happy
with his silkworms.) Gymnastic relaxation at the Palaestra on the
Expanse at Hampstead. Then by Tube to Dover. Tunnelled over to Paris,
shopped, and back by the six rapid. Might have stayed later for we could
not make a Saloon: seven short of the legal Quorum, a hundred--so many
Members (men, I need hardly say) absent at the Great International
Croquet Tryst at the Crystal Palace. Passed an hour pleasantly at the
Diatomaceous Society, of which I have lately been balloted a Fellow.

_Friday, May 15._ Busy all the morning preparing my oration on the "Wise
Sayings of Wise Women in all Countries and Epochs," for the Congress.
(Interrupted twice by Alfred, who had got the housekeeping accounts and
the washing-book into a fearful muddle.) Great meeting at 3'30 in
Emancipation Hall, to welcome Mrs. Hale Columbia Spragg, the first
female President of the United States. She has transited the Atlantic to
attend our Congress, but can only be present at this evening's
Inauguratory, as she must be in New York again before sundown to-morrow.
Went to the Saloon, but it immediately adjourned, on the motion of Mr.
Theodore Stuke, to enable the Lady Members to festinate to the Congress.
Immense success. Fifteen hundred Delegates from every country in the
world processed down the Hall, and then arranged themselves by
Continents on the gilded dais. Twenty-five thousand women computed to be
present in the Spectatorium. Our distinguished champion and unflinching
Hegemon, Amelia Smackles, assumed the presidential throne. Incessant
coruscations of enthusiasm, which culminated when a black sister moved
the fourteenth resolution, demanding the total, immediate, and
unconditional transfer of all menial labour from Woman to Man. Did not
get home till 1 p.m. Left my key behind me, so obliged to rouse up
Alfred, who was in bed, in great distress at the loss of one of his
canaries, and had forgotten to order my stout. Vexatious!

_Saturday, May 16._ Dejeuned at the Constellation Hotel with dear
Amelia, to meet Mrs. President Spragg, Chief Justice Roberta Cokestone
(from Liberia), the Lady Warden of the Cinque Ports, the Lady Mayoress,
the Mistress of the Mint, and other forward Members of the Congress. The
President left us at noon. She would balloon over to New York in five
hours and a half. Quiet dinner at Richmond in the evening. Only Amelia,
two of the elder Sisters of the Trinity House, and the Delegates from
Germany, Turkey, Greece, and China. Bianca joined us unexpectedly from
Oxford, and introduced her bosom friend, the Professor of Anatomy,
Henrietta Stott Trawsell. Delightful promenade by the river before
dinner. Met Alfred fishing for gudgeon.

                               * * * * *

                         MORE EDUCATION-FIGHT.

PUNCH shudders to see the Metric question raised again. Are we not in
the thick of an Educational War already? Will our contemporaries abstain
from putting new reasons for quarrel into the heads of fanatics. We
shall certainly have the Decimal business taken up by Denominationalists
and by Secularists. Ten fingers point out that the natural law is one of
decimals. Also, there are ten commandments for the theologian. On the
other hand, there are twelve signs of the Zodiac: this for nature; and
twelve Apostles: this for theology. O, please let the matter alone, and
let the little boys and girls be taught anyhow, so that they are taught
at all.

                               * * * * *

                       CHURCH DIS-ESTABLISHMENT.

[Illustration: T]ERMINAL PUNCH,

Five more London churches are to be immediately destroyed. Down with
them! First down with St. Mildred's, in the Poultry. It was built by SIR
CHRISTOPHER WREN, and somewhere about it rest the remains of THOMAS
TUSSER, who wrote the "Five Hundred Points of Good Husbandry." Sweep it
away, and then batter down St. Dionis Backchurch, also built by SIR
CHRISTOPHER. There are monuments in it to the great benefactor to the
Bodleian Library, and to the founder of the Saxon Lectureship in St.
John's College, Oxford. Who cares? St. James's, Aldgate, is to be
demolished: 'tis enough that Hebrews chiefly abide around that fane, and
need it not. Out with St. Martin of Outwich; it hath stood less than a
hundred years, and though it was consecrated by BISHOP PORTEUS, and
holdeth fine old monuments, conserved through three centuries, away with
it! Lastly (for the present) turn this pictured clown's pickaxe upon St.
Anthony's, or St. Antholin's, Sise Lane. That, too, was the work of the
Architect of St. Paul's, and sundry be the memories which our old
dramatists and our WALTER SCOTT have hung on "St. Anthing's." It is very
meet and right that the old City churches should all go, few persons now
abiding near them on Sunday, and religion being a thing for Sunday. SIR
CHRISTOPHER'S Cathedral, as it is also a Mausoleum, will probably be
spared until some railway or tramway shall want the site.

                                    Yours, delighted,
                                                  EROSTRATUS VANDAL.

                               * * * * *

                           ORGANS OF OFFENCE.

ON Thursday last week a modification of the American Gatling Gun, called
the "British Mitrailleuse," was tried for the first time at Woolwich.
The following is a description of this benevolent machine:--

    "It consists of ten barrels hooped together and revolving in the
    centre, and fitted into a carriage like that of an ordinary
    field-gun, which, at a short distance, it greatly resembles. The
    barrels and cartridges are similar to those of the Henry-Martini
    rifle--in diameter .45 in.; the cartridge-cases being of brass,
    and bottle-necked."

Tremendous, however, as may be the execution which this weapon is
capable of doing among a flock of soldiers, authorities are of opinion
that, "like small arms generally, it must give way to rifled ordnance."
On its trial:--

    "Indeed, most of the Royal Artillery Officers present seemed to
    think that the machine-gun can never stand against Artillery,
    even if its delicate machinery did not become disarranged by
    mere musket-shot."

So that a comparison is suggested to those who read, that when the
"British Mitrailleuse" is made ready and placed in position--

    "A handle like that of a street-organ, and fixed at the side of
    the trail, is then turned at any degree of rapidity required,
    and the barrels load and fire until the supply of cartridges is
    exhausted, which takes about five minutes under favourable
    conditions."

One is led to compare the British Mitrailleuse with the Italian Grinding
Organ, and to question if the latter be not, of the two, the more
offensive instrument.

                               * * * * *

                             =Corrigendum.=

THE antiquity of the Athanasian Creed being now shown to be a myth, the
date being that of CHARLEMAGNE, would it not be well, before the Prayer
Book is finally revised, that the correction should be made? For it will
take many a year to abolish the belief that St. Athanasius drew up the
document, especially as divers theologians think nothing of some four
hundred and fifty years of what they imagine to have been the Dark Ages.
"Commonly (but absurdly) called the Creed of St. Athanasius" is a line
that, in a century or so, might have an effect upon the less
un-intelligent.

                               * * * * *

                         A PROFESSION'S UNION.

AT Bas-Unterwald, according to the _Swiss Times_:--

    "Strikes are becoming the fashion in the higher circles of
    society. The physicians of this peaceful Arcadia have united and
    struck work, demanding an increase in their fees. The Laudrath,
    however, refuses to entertain their claims, and advises a strike
    of the patients as the best answer to the physicians' demands."

There was a time when a strike of patients anywhere would have been
attended with a very great decrease of the rate of mortality. There is
reason to suppose that in the present improved condition of medical
science such would not be the case. The strikers, struck with fever, or
other grave illness, would probably be struck down in rather alarming
numbers.

What justification of a medical strike there may be in Switzerland hath
not appeared, but in this country there is, in some quarters, not a
little. The ridiculously low wages, not to say salary, begrudged, not to
say granted, to Medical Officers by many Poor-Law Unions would amply
warrant the establishment of a Professional Union corresponding to a
Trades' Union, and consisting of sons of ÆSCULAPIUS. The
medico-chirurgical Unionists could manage a strike well enough without
committing any outrage on the Non-Unionists, or Knobsticks. There would
be no need for the Doctors on strike to picket, and waylay, and beat the
others on their road to the Workhouse, or across country to the
recipient of out-door relief; and they could do without rattening them
and filching away their physic, stethoscopes, and surgical instruments.
In dealing with unworthy members of an honourable Profession, capable of
underselling their brother-chips, the practitioners forming the Union
would require to have recourse to no proceedings associated with
Sheffield; they would find it quite sufficient to send outsiders and
recusants of co-operation in a strike to Coventry.

                               * * * * *

                            OMINOUS INDEED!

ALL England, that reads the newspapers, will have felt the shock of a
truly--

    "TERRIFIC EXPLOSION--Yesterday evening an explosion of a
    frightful character occurred at GLADSTONE'S Cartridge Factory,
    Greenwich Marshes, by which a large number of girls have been
    seriously injured."

Considering for what Constituency the PREMIER is Member of Parliament,
the majority of people cannot but be, momentarily at least, startled and
taken aback by the information in the first place that GLADSTONE has a
Cartridge Factory in Greenwich Marshes, and, secondly, that it has been
the scene of a terrific explosion. Nor certainly are they likely to be
re-assured by the further intelligence that:--

    "A few weeks ago the Government seized 365 cases of ball
    cartridge, each containing 20 lb. weight, which had been
    manufactured by MR. GLADSTONE for the French Government during
    the late war."

The obvious suggestion conveyed by this statement is, that there has
occurred not only a terrific explosion in the borough of Greenwich, but
also a not less alarming blow-up in the Cabinet. _Absit omen!_

                               * * * * *

                          ELEGANT ADVERTISING.

IF you like, read this advertisement from the _Christian World_:--

    CO-PARTNER WANTED, by a highly respectable Man, aged 30,
    member of Spurgeon's. A gentlemanly person required, a believer
    with about £50, and who can travel.--Address, &c.

Hm! In the first place a gentlemanly person would not wish to hear his
partner talk in that exceedingly curt way of their minister and his
flock. "Member of Spurgeon's." "One who regularly attends the
ministrations of the Reverend C. H. SPURGEON, B.M." would be more
gentlemanly language. Nextly, "a believer with about £50" reads rather
Mammonish. It suggests that a sceptic with about £75, or a positivist
with about £100, would not be unacceptable. Thirdly, "who can travel."
Who _can't_ travel with about £50? MR. COOK will give you a
return-ticket for the Pyramid for about that. Fourthly, the "and" is
abominable English. We wish our esteemed friend the _Christian World_
would edit its advertisements. We really can't be always doing it.

                               * * * * *

                         =Dignity for Doctors.=

IT is suggested that a fitting honour to be conferred on meritorious
Physicians and Surgeons would be that of the Order of the Bath. Nothing
could be more suitable; but should the Bath be the Hot-Bath or the Cold?

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: GENEROSITY.

_Noble Lord_ (_whose Rifle has brought to a scarcely untimely end a very
consumptive-looking Fallow Deer_). "TUT--T, T, T, T, TUT! O, I SAY,
STUBBS!--(_to his Keeper_)--YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET ME KILL SUCH A POOR,
LITTLE, SICKLY, SCRAGGY THING AS THIS, YOU KNOW! IT POSITIVELY ISN'T FIT
FOR HUMAN FOOD! AH! LOOK HERE, NOW! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU AND MCFARLIN
MAY HAVE THIS BUCK BETWEEN YOU!!!"]

                               * * * * *

                         A SEAT ON A SAFETY-VALVE.


    AN Income-tax partial see THIERS oppose,
      O WILLIAM the Earnest, O ROBERT the True!
    A soul above fear of the Rabble he shows;
      Is that to be said, British Statesmen, of you?

    Or is it that you, whom mob-courtship doth move
      With tribute from all due to load a part's purse.
    Albeit your Honours both see and approve
      The better arrangements, do follow the worse?

    How bad are the worse, which poor fleeced Britons rue,
      You have often confessed; but decline to advance
    On that high path which upright financiers pursue;
      They manage these matters much better in France.

    For justice it is which disposes them there,
      Political craft in this mighty free land,
    Whose Rulers perpend not what impost were fair,
      But what imposition tax-payers will stand.

    It was not enough upon shoulders select
      To pile your whole Budget; on folk thus oppressed
    (As housebreakers use, the strong-box to detect)
      The Screw has been put; they are over-assessed.

    You fancy your Engine is working so well
      By way of a Steam-Rack, 'twill yet more extort,
    And bear any pressure your force can compel;
      You sit on the safety-valve, therefore, in short.

    O WILLIAM the Daring! O ROBERT the Rash!
      Though deaf to remonstrance, to caution give ear,
    Ere high-pressure boiler burst up with a crash,
      And blow aloft Stoker and hoist Engineer.

                               * * * * *

                            SAD ALTERATION.

THE Dramatist has led us to think that "Music hath charms to soothe the
savage breast," but the "Heavenly Maid" is not so "young" as she was
when CONGREVE wrote, and increasing years seem to have changed her mood
and spoiled her temper. What other conclusion can we come to, when we
find in an article on "Music" in one of the newspapers, in some comments
on the performance of a young lady on the piano at a Monday Popular
Concert, the disquieting statement that she "left her mark as usual on
the audience, the music, and the piano"? It is some little relief to
find the writer adding that "this last was more than once punished
severely;" as it is a fair inference to draw, that whatever the
sufferings of the piano may have been, the music, and, which is far more
important, the audience, escaped with only one assault.

The Managers of the Monday Concerts should consider, before it is too
late, whether they are not endangering the well-deserved popularity of
their agreeable entertainments, by allowing performances which would
seem to have rather too striking an effect upon the hearers.

                               * * * * *

                          =Nocens Absolvitur.=

THE _South London News_ makes rather an unkind suggestion. Thieves enter
tradesmen's shops, under pretence of selling something. The _News_
thinks that people who would be exempt from such visits should "keep
watch, and, on opportunity, hand the victims over to the police." This
may be fair in South London, wherever that is, but in Fleet Street we do
not dispense that kind of justice.

                               * * * * *

                      A HINT TO L. AND B. RAILWAY.

THE Real "Nine Hours' Movement"--to Brighton and back for Half-a-Crown.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

BOB THE STOKER. "LOR' BLESS YOU, M'NSEER! THAT'S THE WAY _WE_ 'RAISE THE
WIND;'--SIMPLEST THING IN THE WORLD!"

M. THIERS. "HE, MON AMI! PRENEZ GARDE! HE SHALL 'BLOW UP' ONE DAY!"]

                               * * * * *

                           FRESH. NOT TIGHT.

[Illustration: T]HERE is, or was, in this town a Public-house, wherein
the administration of justice was, and may still be, wont to be nightly
burlesqued by certain buffoons under the name of a Judge and Jury Club.
Let us hope that this was the only Court of Law which could possibly
have been in the eye of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL when, in the course of his
concise oration delivered on behalf of the Infant against the Claimant,
he spoke, with reference to the latter, as follows:--

    "Besides, such is the pleasantry--I would not say the profit--of
    our English law, that if he fails in this case he may go at it
    again with fresh witnesses, let us hope with fresh
    counsel--(_laughter_)--at least with a fresh jury--I say nothing
    of a fresh judge. (_Continued laughter._)"

The members of the Temperance League, and the United Kingdom Alliance
must surely have been shocked, as many as those who read and duly
considered the foregoing words, by the idea which they suggest of a
generally Fresh Court of Common Pleas. This horrid image was enough to
have unfixed their hair and made their excited hearts knock at their
ribs beyond the use of nature. Sobriety is so specially characteristic
of the Ermine that "sober as a Judge" is an adage; not, indeed, because
Judges are supposed not to drink, but to be able to drink any quantity.
Irreproachable with laxity in the discharge of their high functions,
British Judges are at all times incapable of getting tight.

                               * * * * *

                          EVENINGS FROM HOME.

_MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, at the QUEEN'S THEATRE,
to see "The Last Days of Pompeii."_

_Tommy._ Pray, Sir, what and where was Pompeii?

_Mr. Barlow._ It was, my dear TOMMY, a Roman municipality, full of
eligible villas, pleasantly situated in the immediate neighbourhood of
Mount Vesuvius, and within easy reach of the sea. It was "a place to
spend a happy day," and "there and back" from Naples formed one of the
chief excursions, at a very moderate rate, for the middle classes of
Neapolis.

They had just commenced this instructive and entertaining conversation,
when the curtain rising discovered to their eager eyes as artistic and
effective a scene (with the exception of stationary painted groups,
whose fixed attitude strangely contrasted with the movement of the
actors in front of them) as it had hitherto been their lot to behold.

As the play went on, HARRY requested permission of MR. BARLOW to ask a
question.

_Harry._ Did you not tell us, Sir, that the "e" in Pompeii was long?

_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, I did.

_Harry._ And did you not also tell us that one of the purposes of a
theatrical exhibition, such as this is, is the advancement of education
among all sorts and conditions of people?

_Mr. Barlow._ You are again correct, and truly I begin to perceive the
drift of your remark. Therefore let me tell you that had any Eton boy
said Pomp[ue]ii, instead of Pomp[=e]ii, he would speedily have been
taught the force of an _argumentum_ addressed, as was one of HORACE'S
Odes, _ad puerum_.

_Harry._ Surely too, Sir, a diphthong is long; so that the name
_Apoecides_ should not be rendered Appy-cides, as if the name were an
unaspirated pronunciation of _H_appy Cides.

To this MR. BARLOW replied that doubtless these honest folks had cogent
reasons for their mode of pronunciation, with which he advised HARRY to
become acquainted, before taking upon himself to pronounce an
unmitigated condemnation of them.

"You will now perceive, TOMMY," said MR. BARLOW, during the performance
of the Third Scene of the First Act, "that the crafty _Arbaces_ is
anxious to entice the sentimental young gentleman, _Appy Cides_, to
partake of the repast with him."

_Harry._ But, Sir, surely the young man's objection to accept the
invitation of the Egyptian, must arise from a sense of politeness on his
part, which, as there is nothing edible on the table, I fancy, except
one plate of fruit, will not permit him to deprive _Arbaces_ of even a
portion of a dessert that has, evidently, been only ordered for one.

_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, I think you are right, and had _Arbaces_
thought of it, I am certain he would willingly have extended his
hospitality to a bag of nuts or some cakes of gingerbread. But you must
remember that _Appy Cides_, or, as he seems to me, _Un-'appy Cides_, is
only the pupil of _Arbaces_, and does not appear at his tutor's table
until dessert-time.

_Tommy._ If I were there I would go and eat everything, and then I would
dance with one of the young ladies.

_Mr. Barlow._ I am sorry, TOMMY, that you are of that mind; and at
another time--for I perceive that the good people in the pit, by their
repeated cries of hush, and by the direction of their attention towards
us, wish rather to hear the dialogue on the stage than my discourse,
which is, after all, of a personal and private character--at another
time, I was about to say, I will read to you an instructive story on
greediness, entitled _Chares and the Convulsive Tailor_.

TOMMY looked on at the piece very sulkily for some time, being, indeed,
intent upon the antique cups and goblets and upon the plate of luscious
fruit which he had already noticed. But on seeing that neither _Arbaces_
nor the sentimental young gentleman partook of anything that was
provided for them, he began to have high opinion of their breeding, and
before the scene was finished was heartily sorry for his error, and
applauded all he saw and heard with increasing rapture and delight.

_Mr. Barlow._ You may, indeed, evince your gratitude to these worthy
people, since they have done all in their power to entertain and
instruct us. And, indeed, where all is done so vastly well, I know not
what to commend most, whether the sonorous voice and dignified
scoundrelism of that twice-crushed Priest of Isis, the iniquitous and
unprincipled _Arbaces_, played by the remarkably upright and
conscientious actor, MR. RYDER; or whether the gentle pleadings of the
blind _Nydia_--MISS HODSON is the young lady's name, my dear TOMMY, and
I have no doubt she saw and appreciated your boyish enthusiasm--or the
bearing of MR. RIGNOLD throughout a remarkably difficult and most trying
part. But, HARRY, what is your opinion?

_Harry._ Why, Sir, I am very little judge of these matters, but I
protest that I feel mightily indebted to those clever gentlemen, MASTERS
GORDON and HARFORD (I had well-nigh slipt into the error of saying
MASTERS MERTON and SANDFORD) for the scenery which has so admirably
served to illustrate this play. I am sorry that _Appy Cides_ was killed,
as, having become a Christian, there would, I am sure, have been every
opportunity open to him as an estimable young curate of evangelical
proclivities.

_Tommy_ (_during the cleverly arranged Amphitheatre Scene, Act IV._) I
am glad to see, Sir, that in this scene where we have so much to admire,
the tumblers----

_Mr. Barlow._ These, my dear TOMMY, represent the gladiators. And you
must remember that on the stage, where every combat has to be carefully
arranged both as to the number and fashion of the blows given and
received, and as to who shall be, and who shall not be the conqueror,
the contest of two determined champions, or rather of two champions
whose course has been previously determined, cannot fail to be of a most
thrilling and exciting character.

_Tommy._ O, Sir! they have given orders to let the Lion loose. O, Sir!
the Lion is coming!

_Harry._ I do not believe that all these fine gentlemen and ladies would
remain so still if there were, indeed, a Lion approaching.

_Mr. Barlow._ The Lion, my dear TOMMY, is a native of both India and
Africa. When they are hungry, they kill every animal they meet, and will
even devour little boys----

Here poor TOMMY'S trepidation was increased to such an extent that he
would have quitted his seat and the theatre, but for the sudden entry of
the traitor _Calenus_, whose charge of murder brought against his
master, the wily _Arbaces_, instantly distracted everyone's thoughts
from the coming of the expected monster.

Both MR. BARLOW and HARRY were loud in their praises of the dramatist
who had contrived to arouse in the breasts of the spectators such
emotions of fear, by the absence of the Lion, as could scarcely have
been equalled by his formidable presence.

"Indeed," said MR. BARLOW, "on reflection, I am led to consider the
chiefest part in this piece to be the Lion's share in it. He is spoken
of at the commencement of the play, he is often alluded to throughout,
and the bare mention of his name sensibly electrifies the spectators on
and off the stage. From the very first we are incited to expect his
appearance. He has not to roar to make himself dreaded. He has not even
to be present, either on or off, the scene.

_Harry._ This device is, in my humble judgement, worthy of high
commendation in the play-wright, who has thus evinced his reverence for
the words of the immortal WILLIAM, and whose plan is in cordial
agreement with _Bottom's_ opinion on this very matter, which, my dear
TOMMY, as you are as yet unacquainted with the works of SHAKSPEARE, I
will repeat to you. "_Masters_," says _Bottom_, "_You ought to consider
with yourselves, to bring in a lion among ladies is a most dreadful
thing, for there is not a more fearful wild fowl than your lion,
living_."

TOMMY was so forcibly struck by this adroit application of a famous
passage from the plays of SHAKSPEARE, that he determined, on the first
opportunity to read all these dramas through from beginning to end. And
having already set himself to the study of astronomy and mechanics,
solely in order to make himself as proficient in the art of applicable
illustrations as was his friend HARRY MERTON, TOMMY now found that he
had at least one hour of the day fully occupied.

On their return from the theatre MR. BARLOW, ever anxious for the
improvement of both his young friends, commenced reading to them the
story of _The Magistrate and the Elephant_; but, seeing that both his
young friends were fast asleep in their chairs, he lit his
chamber-candle and retired for the night.

On entering his room somewhat suddenly, a pair of boots, artfully placed
so as to rest on the door, which had been standing ajar, descended on
his head; and the next instant, on his taking one step forward, he came
in contact with a stout string, so skilfully fastened, as not only to
throw him sharply on the floor, but, being cunningly connected with the
fire-irons and the washing-stand, it brought down these articles also
with a great crash and much confusion. Before he could arise from his
painful position, TOMMY and HARRY had rushed up-stairs to render to
their revered preceptor what assistance was in their power. Being
questioned as to the hand they had had in this strange affair, MASTER
TOMMY, with becoming modesty, acknowledged that it was he who had
devised the scheme. "And," said he, "I protest I think it is no
inadequate representation of what must have been the consequence in
several houses during the Eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the _Last Days
of Pompeii_."

So saying, both the boys withdrew themselves rapidly from their beloved
tutor's apartment, and locked themselves into their own rooms. Soon
after this, they were all in a sound slumber, which lasted until a late
hour on the following morning.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: A QUESTION FOR THE SHIRES.

"NOW, DEAR, WHICH DO YOU PREFER FOR THE 'TOPS'?--THE DEEPER SHADE, OR
VERY PALEST PINK?"]

                               * * * * *

                          VINDICTIVE TEUTONS.

THERE is a good deal of talk in France about revenge to be taken one of
these days upon the Germans for having repelled and beaten their
invaders. In the meanwhile, according to the _Post_, those barbarous
Germans are trying to revenge themselves, in their heavy way, on the
enemies who have been twitting them with stealing clocks and watches, by
an--

    "IMPORTANT RESTORATION OF SPECIE.--_The Courier de Meurthe et
    Moselle_ announces that the six millions of francs which had
    fallen into the hands of the German troops after the
    capitulation of Strasburg, and belonging to the Bank of France,
    are about to be restored to that establishment through its
    branch bank at Nancy."

This, of course, is a practical sarcasm at the expense of a nation
represented by some of its orators and statesmen as having been
aggrieved by being forced to restore pictures and works of Art which the
First NAPOLEON and his gangs in uniform had pillaged from their
neighbours. It is obviously meant to suggest an odious comparison
between those who make restitution of even lawful plunder in hard cash,
and those others who grumble because of having been compelled to replace
Art-treasures actually stolen, and that in some cases from friends. This
is clumsy German satire to be sure, but it tumbles down pretty heavily
for all that on the heads of them that shouted "À Berlin!"

                               * * * * *

                           =Sporting News.=

THE lovers of manly British sports will be glad to know that there is a
chance of seeing another good fight, or so, before the law is altered. A
rattling mill is to come off in the north of the West Riding. POWELL,
the well-known Cambridge Slogger, is matched against HOLDEN, of the
above parts, who has not fought in public, but is known in the Chapel
districts as a determined cove. As this will be nearly the last of the
real old English fights, much interest is excited. The white chokers are
with POWELL, and HOLDEN is backed by the humbler humboxes. Both men will
do all they know, and a clinking good contest may be expected.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."

_Uncle._ "WELL, TOMMY, YOU SEE I'M BACK; ARE YOU READY? WHAT HAVE I TO
PAY FOR, MISS?"

_Miss._ "THREE BUNS, FOUR SPONGE CAKES, TWO SANDWICHES, ONE JELLY, FIVE
TARTS, AND--"

_Uncle._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, BOY! ARE YOU NOT ILL?"

_Tommy._ "NO, UNCLE; BUT I'M THIRSTY."]

                               * * * * *

                         =NEGATIVE KNOWLEDGE.=

WE never knew a cabman with an eyeglass, or a chimneysweep with
spectacles.

We never knew a lady buy a bargain at a shop sale, and not afterwards
regret it.

We never knew a man propose the toast of the evening, without his
wishing that it had not been placed in abler hands.

We never knew a waiter in a hurry, at a chop-house, who did not say that
he was "Coming, Sir!" when really he was going.

We never lost a game to a professional at billiards, without hearing him
assign his triumph chiefly to his flukes.

                               * * * * *

                         TO THE STATE COACHMAN.

              (_Suggested by a Passage in the new Q. R._)

    "CANNING did not know that tadpoles
      Turn to frogs." Each fool explodes:
    But that Queller of the Yelpers
      Knew that patriots turn to toads.

    GLADSTONE goes in for omniscience;
      Does the team obey the bit
    As when PAM'S whip stung with banter,
      Or when CANNING'S cut with wit?

    WILLIAM! _Punch_, who likes you, counsels--
      Mix some humour with your zeal,
    Making humbugs think is hopeless:
      Be content to make them _feel_.

                               * * * * *

                             =No Misnomer.=

A CORRESPONDENT of the _Times_, whose note is headed "Civil Service
Grammar," writes a remonstrance because he has seen a Government Cart
going about inscribed "Her Majesty's Stationary Office." He is evidently
under a misconception as to what office is meant, for what man who
reflects on the progress of the new Law Courts, the new National
Gallery, the new Natural History Museum, the Wellington Monument, &c.,
can doubt for a moment that "Her Majesty's Stationary Office" is the
Office of Works and Public buildings?

                               * * * * *

                           IN ANGELÆ HONOREM.

    "A Meeting was held in the Hall of Columbia Market, on Monday
    evening, SIR THOMAS DAKIN in the Chair, to consider what
    testimonial of public respect and gratitude should be offered to
    BARONESS BURDETT COUTTS."--_Daily News._

SWEET names there are that carry sweet natures in their sound;
Whose ring, like hallowed bells of old, seems to shed blessing round:
Such a name of good omen, FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, is thine;
And hers, our ANGELA'S, for all in want and woe that pine.

The QUEEN has made her noble; but ere that rank was given,
She had donned robe and coronet of the peerage made in Heaven:
Baptised in purer honour than from earthly fountain flows,
Raised to a prouder Upper House than our proud island knows.

The loftiest of that peerage are of lowliest mood and will;
And this their proudest lordship, Love's service to fulfil:
Chief Stewards and High Almoners of the goods Heaven bestows--
'Tis theirs to see that Charity in Wisdom's channels flows.

For e'en that stream, ill-guided, can poison goodly ground--
For health, sow fever broadcast, for blessing, blight, around:
'Tis not enough its waters to loose with lib'ral mind;
If Reason lends not eyes to Love, Love strays--for he is blind.

This _she_ has known, our ANGELA, for whom men ask, e'en now,
"Fit tribute of our gratitude where shall we pay, and how?"
If blessings clothed in substance, prayers made palpable, could be,
When had Kaiser, King, or Conqueror, such monument as she?

But what can gold, or silver, or bronze, or marble, pay
Of the unsummed debt of gratitude owed her this many a day?
What record, parchment-blazoned, closed in golden casket rare,
Can with her love, in England's heart, for preciousness compare?

If we needs must find her symbol, then carve and set on high
A heavy-laden camel going through the needle's eye;
Gold-burdened, by a gentle yet firm hand wisely driven,--
Our ANGELA'S, that on it rides, riches and all, to Heaven!

Or if a painted record be by the occasion claimed,
Paint up Bethesda's Pool, and round, the sick, the halt, and maimed,
Waiting until our ANGELA through Earth's afflicted go
To stir wealth's healing waters, that await her hand to flow.

                               * * * * *

                        PIG-AND-BARGAIN-DRIVING.

THE _Eastern Morning News_--what a pretty name--why not the
_Dawn_?--hath a prosaic item: this:--

    WANTED, a GROOM and Coachman, and to assist the Gardener. Wages,
    18s. per week to commence with, to be advanced 1s. per year for
    every year he remains. Must understand horses and pigs, and be
    able to drive one, or a pair.

We do not think the wages too high. A celebrated Oxford Don, who could
make Greek verses as fast as mill-wheels strike, yet who was not so
ready with ordinary English, beheld, from the top of a coach, a drover
striving to guide some pigs along the road. Wishing to be
conversational, the Don observed to his neighbour, "A difficult Animal
to drive is a Pig--one man--a good many--very." Here, observe, were the
materials for a pleasing remark, but they needed arrangement. He was
right, however. Pigs are difficult to drive, and the Yorkshire
advertiser who wants a man able to drive one pig, or a pair, is right in
offering him the above noble rise in wage. Correspondents will abstain
from vulgar suggestions about a pig and a "hog"--we don't understand
them.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: "HERE BE TRUTHS."

_Mistress._ "BRING SOME MORE BREAD, MARTHA?"
_Maid._ "THERE'S NANE, MEM!"
_Mistress._ "O, NONSENSE! I SAW A LOAF IN THE PANTRY."
_Maid._ "DID YE, MEM? I'M THINKING IT'S TIME YE WERE GETTING SPECS,
    THEN, FOR IT'S A CHEESE!"]

                               * * * * *

                    "YOUR BONNET TO ITS RIGHT USE."

    "LET me use my _biretta_,"
      Says CARDINAL CULLEN,
    "To fan Ireland's school-lamp,
      That burns smoky and sullen."

    "No," says England, "your motives
      'Twere cruel to doubt,--
    But what if your rev'rence
      Should put the lamp out?"

                               * * * * *

                         LONDON GOLD DIGGINGS.

DEAR Old England! well may one exclaim, on reading in the _Daily News_ a
statement such as this:--

    "VALUE OF LAND IN LOMBARD STREET.--A piece of land adjoining the
    Lombard Exchange, in Lombard Street, has been sold for £9000, or
    about £19 4s. 6d. per foot super."

It used to be affirmed that London streets were paved with gold, and, by
the side of the above, the story hardly seems beyond one's power of
credulity. Land worth nineteen pounds per foot must be wellnigh as good
as gold to its fortunate possessor, and the man who owned an acre of it
would hardly need to emigrate to any other diggings. Assuredly, to any
_Fortunatus_ who owns much land in Lombard Street, London may be looked
on as the true Tom Tiddler's Ground.

                               * * * * *

                            =The New Judge.=

_Mr. Punch_ hears that LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN (one of our most
accomplished Latin writers) intimated to the CHANCELLOR that the
appointment of the new Judge for the Queen's Bench was a _Sine Quainon_.

                               * * * * *

                         =WANTED--SIMPLICITY.=

MR. PUNCH,

Is the English language a thing to be ashamed of? I put the question,
because in a weekly literary journal, printed and published in London in
the mother tongue, I have just read, not without some rubbing of eyes
and much mental bewilderment, the following singular announcement:--

    "INSTITUTION OF CIVIL ENGINEERS.--The EMPEROR OF BRÉSIL was
    elected an Honorary Member."

I have never heard that Brazil has become a French possession, and I am
positive that the Institution of Civil Engineers is not in Paris, but in
Great George Street, Westminster. Why, then, Brésil? Crack this
Brazil-nut for

                                        Yours, unaffectedly,
                                                         JNO. SMITH.

P.S.--Can fish talk? I ask this second question, after seeing that
another periodical publication contains an article with the heading,
"Perch Prattle."

                               * * * * *

                           =We Can't See It.=

OF all the odd kinds of consolation under affliction, the last
suggestion seems to _Mr. Punch_ the oddest. We are mourning the demise
of the no-horned Infant Hippopotamus in the Regent's Park, and we are
told to be cheerful, for a two-horned Infant Rhinoceros has gone to
Madrid. The doctrine of compensations was never pushed much further,
even in a Scotch sermon.

                               * * * * *

                          =Platonic Politics.=

Plato gives the best reason why Woman's Rights should be conceded, and
Women be admitted to power. Listen, Dears, "Rulers should have Personal
Beauty." Kiss ums own old _Punch_.

                               * * * * *

    =Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford square, in the
    Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at
    the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard
    Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London,
    and Published by him at No. 65, Fleet Street, in the Parish of
    St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 27, 1872.=




Transcriber's Notes

Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.

Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.

Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.

Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".

Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
speakers. Those words were retained as-is.

Some Illustrations were graphic capital letters. In those illustrations,
the capital letter was included within the illustration tag, e.g.
[Illustration: T].

The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate. Thus the
page number of the illustration might not match the page number in the
List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the
same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.

Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted below:

On page 39, the latin small letter e with breve is represented by [ue]
and the latin small letter e with macron is represented by [=e].

On page 39, the paragraph beginning with "Indeed," seems to be missing
a quotation mark.