The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Brass Bottle: A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: The Brass Bottle: A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts Author: F. Anstey Release date: October 10, 2011 [eBook #37685] Language: English Credits: Produced by David Clarke, Josephine Paolucci and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BRASS BOTTLE: A FARCICAL FANTASTIC PLAY IN FOUR ACTS *** Produced by David Clarke, Josephine Paolucci and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries.) _THE BRASS BOTTLE_ _UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME_ Cloth 2s. 6d.; paper covers, 1s. 6d. each. PLAYS BY ARTHUR PINERO GILBERT MURRAY W. E. HENLEY & R. L. STEVENSON GERHART HAUPTMANN EDMUND ROSTAND HENRIK IBSEN C. HADDON CHAMBERS ROBERT MARSHALL HERMAN HEIJERMANS FRANZ ADAM BEYERLEIN _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN 21 Bedford Street, W.C._ _THE BRASS BOTTLE_ _A FARCICAL FANTASTIC PLAY_ _In Four Acts_ _BY F. ANSTEY_ _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ _MCMXI_ _Copyright, 1911, London, by William Heinemann_ COPY OF THE "FIRST NIGHT" PROGRAMME AT THE VAUDEVILLE THEATRE, LONDON THE BRASS BOTTLE A Farcical Play in Four Acts BY F. ANSTEY PERFORMED FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THURSDAY EVENING, SEPTEMBER 16, 1909 * * * * * HORACE VENTIMORE MR. LAURENCE GROSSMITH PROFESSOR ANTHONY FUTVOYE MR. ALFRED BISHOP FAKRASH-EL-AAMASH MR. E. HOLMAN CLARK SPENCER PRINGLE MR. RUDGE HARDING SAMUEL WACKERBATH MR. LUIGI LABLACHE RAPKIN MR. J. H. BREWER CHIEF OF CARAVAN MR. A. SPENCER HEAD EFREET MR. JOHN CAREY A WAITER MR. WALTER RINGHAM MRS. FUTVOYE MISS LENA HALLIDAY SYLVIA FUTVOYE MISS VIVA BIRKETT MRS. RAPKIN MISS MARY BROUGH MRS. WACKERBATH MISS ARMINE GRACE JESSIE MISS GLADYS STOREY ZOBEIDA (Principal Dancing Girl) MISS MABEL DUNCAN DANCERS. Misses Phyllis Birkett, Florence A. Pigott, Susie Nainby, Dorothy Beaufey, Nina De Leon, Cynthia Farnham _SYNOPSIS OF SCENERY_ ACTS I AND II HORACE VENTIMORE'S ROOMS _There will be an Interval of Two Minutes after Act I, and Eight Minutes after Act II_ ACT III SCENE I. VENTIMORE'S OFFICE SCENE II. DRAWING-ROOM AT THE FUTVOYES' _There will be One Minute Interval between Scenes I and II, during which the Audience are requested to keep their seats. After Act III, Eight Minutes._ ACT IV SCENE I. VENTIMORE'S ROOMS SCENE II. "PINAFORE" ROOM, SAVOY HOTEL _There will be an Interval of One Minute between Scenes I and II, during which the Audience are requested to keep their seats._ The Scenery painted by WALTER HANN AND SON. The Play has been Produced (for MR. GASTON MAYER) by MR. FREDERICK KERR. The Amateur fee for each and every representation of this play is five guineas, payable in advance to the Author's Sole Agents, Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 26 Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C. _THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY_ HORACE VENTIMORE (a young Architect, aged 28) PROFESSOR ANTHONY FUTVOYE (an Egyptologist, aged 60) FAKRASH-EL-AAMASH (a Jinnee of the Green Jinn, age uncertain) SPENCER PRINGLE (an Architect, aged 32) SAMUEL WACKERBATH (an Auctioneer and Estate Agent, aged 60) RAPKIN (Ventimore's Landlord, a retired butler, aged 55) CHIEF OF CARAVAN HEAD EFREET A WAITER (at the Savoy Hotel) MRS. FUTVOYE (aged 55) SYLVIA FUTVOYE (her Daughter, aged 21) MRS. RAPKIN (Ventimore's Landlady) MRS. WACKERBATH JESSIE (Parlour-maid at the Futvoyes') PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL CARAVAN SLAVES, MUSICIANS, EFREETS, DANCING GIRLS * * * * * _ACTS I AND II_ VENTIMORE'S ROOMS IN VINCENT SQUARE, WESTMINSTER _ACT III_ SCENE I. VENTIMORE'S OFFICE IN GREAT COLLEGE STREET, WESTMINSTER SCENE II. A DRAWING-ROOM AT THE FUTVOYES' HOUSE IN COTTESMORE GARDENS, KENSINGTON _ACT IV_ SCENE I. VENTIMORE'S ROOMS SCENE II. THE "PINAFORE" ROOM AT THE SAVOY HOTEL THE BRASS BOTTLE THE FIRST ACT _The scene represents HORACE VENTIMORE'S rooms in Vincent Square, Westminster._ _The sitting-room is simply but artistically furnished and decorated. Walls with a lining-paper of a pleasant green, hung with coloured prints and etchings. Fireplace at back. Down left is a large open French window, opening on a balcony, with a view beyond of the open square and some large dull-red gasometers in the distance. Above the window is a small Sheraton bookcase. On the right of fireplace is a door leading to the landing and staircase. Down on the right, another door to VENTIMORE'S bedroom. Above this door, a small Sheraton sideboard. Near the window on left is an armchair, and by it a table, with two smaller chairs. [N.B.--Right and Left mean the spectator's Right and Left throughout._] _The time is late afternoon in summer._ _When the curtain rises there is no one in the room. A knock is heard at the door on right of fireplace. Then, after a pause, MRS. RAPKIN enters. She is a pleasant, neatly dressed, elderly woman, of the respectable landlady class. She wears a cooking-apron and her sleeves are turned up. She looks round the room, and turns to the door as PROFESSOR FUTVOYE appears._ MRS. RAPKIN. Mr. Ventimore don't seem to be in, after all, sir. Unless he's in his bedroom. [_She comes down to the door on right, as PROFESSOR, MRS., and MISS FUTVOYE enter from the other door. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE is elderly and crabbed; his wife, grey-haired and placid, bearing with him as with an elderly and rather troublesome child; SYLVIA FUTVOYE, their daughter, is a pretty and attractive girl of about twenty. MRS. RAPKIN knocks at the bedroom door._] Mr. Ventimore! A gentleman and two ladies to see you. [_She opens the door--then, to the PROFESSOR._] No, sir, he hasn't come in yet--but he won't be long now. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_By the table._] Are you _sure_ of that, ma'am? MRS. RAPKIN. Well, sir, he said as how he'd be in early, to make sure as everythink was as it _should_ be. [_In a burst of confidence._] If you _must_ know, he's expecting company to dinner this evening. [_SYLVIA has moved to the window; MRS. FUTVOYE stands by the table._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Placing his hat and stick on a small shelf on the left of fireplace, and standing by table._] I'm aware of that, ma'am. We happen to be the company Mr. Ventimore is expecting. Don't let us keep you from your cooking. MRS. RAPKIN. [_With another burst of confidence._] Well, sir, to tell you the truth, I '_ave_ a good deal on my 'ands just now. [_She goes out by door at back._ SYLVIA. [_After moving about and inspecting the pictures._] I rather like Horace's rooms. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Irritably._] I wish he'd manage to be _in_ 'em! I fully expected he'd be back by this time. _Most_ annoying! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Resignedly._] I _thought_ you were bringing us all this way for nothing! And when you must be quite exhausted enough as it is, after lecturing all the afternoon! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I'm not in the least exhausted, Sophia; not in the least! MRS. FUTVOYE. Well, Anthony, if _you're_ not, Sylvia and I are! [_She sits in armchair by the window._] But _why_ you couldn't wait till eight o'clock to know how Horace got on at that sale I _can't_ think! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. He ought to have been back _long_ ago! I can see _no_ excuse for his dawdling like this. None whatever! [_He sits on right of table._ SYLVIA. [_Standing behind table._] Perhaps he went back to his office? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Tartly._] He's much more likely to have dropped into his club for a rubber of Bridge! SYLVIA. Don't you think you're rather ungrateful to grumble at poor Horace like this, after he's given up a whole day's work to oblige you? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I was not aware, my dear, that he has, or ever had, a day's work to give up! Correct me if I am wrong--but I am under the impression that nobody has employed him as an architect _yet_. SYLVIA. That isn't Horace's fault! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Possibly--but it doesn't make him more desirable as a future son-in-law. SYLVIA. Horace is sure to succeed as soon as he gets a chance. [_Sitting on table and leaning over the PROFESSOR._] If you would only say a word for him to Godfather, he might be able to help him. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Wackerbath? No, my dear, I couldn't bring myself to take such an advantage of our old friendship as _that_! I've no belief in Ventimore's succeeding in life. He _may_ have ability--though I'm bound to say I see little _evidence_ of it--but, depend upon it, he'll never make any money! SYLVIA. How _can_ you tell? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Because he can't even take care of the little he has! Look at the money he's throwing away on this totally unnecessary dinner to-night! SYLVIA. Oh! When it's just a quiet little dinner in his own rooms! If it had been the _Carlton_, now! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. He proposed to entertain us at the Carlton at first--but I stopped _that_. It all bears out what I say--that he has absolutely _no_ sense of the value of---- MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Interposing calmly._] There, Anthony, that's enough! Horace is engaged to Sylvia--and the most sensible thing we can do is to make the best of it. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Rising and moving to the right._] I _am_ making the best of it, Sophia! If Ventimore was like Spencer Pringle, now!---- SYLVIA. He would never have been engaged to _me_! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_To SYLVIA._] Pringle, my dear, is a steady, hard-working young fellow. I've a real respect and liking for _Pringle_. And if I _must_ have an architect for a son-in-law, he is the man _I_ should have preferred! SYLVIA. Why, he hasn't been near us for weeks and weeks--and I hope he means to stay away altogether! I always thought him a conceited prig. [_Moving towards door at back._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. You may come to think differently, my dear. [_Pulling out his watch._] Nearly half-past six! Tut-tut! All this time wasted! It's useless to wait any longer for Ventimore. We may just as well go! [_He goes to get his hat and stick._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Rising._] I knew how it would _be_! SYLVIA. [_At door._] Wait! [_Opens door and listens._] There's Horace coming upstairs! I'm sure it's his step! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Stops by table with relief._] At last! Now I shall know! [_SPENCER PRINGLE enters. He is a smug, self-satisfied looking man of about thirty-five, smooth-shaven, except for small side-whiskers. He is in a light tweed suit, having just come up from the country._ SYLVIA. [_Repressing her disappointment._] Mr. Pringle! PRINGLE. [_In doorway._] Miss Sylvia! Mrs. Futvoye! [_Shaking hands with the PROFESSOR._] Professor! Well! this is unexpected. [_SYLVIA comes down to right._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Graciously._] Glad to see you, Pringle! You are quite a stranger. Indeed, my daughter was remarking, only a little while ago, that you hadn't been near us for weeks! SYLVIA. [_In an indignant undertone._] _Father!_ [_MRS. FUTVOYE sits down again._ PRINGLE. [_To SYLVIA, flattered._] Delighted to think I've been missed! But my apparent--er--neglect has been quite unavoidable. SYLVIA. [_Laughing._] So kind of you to relieve our minds, Mr. Pringle! PRINGLE. [_Solemnly._] I assure you it's the fact. I've been away constantly for the last two months, superintending work I'm doing in various parts of the country. [_With importance._] Hardly a moment to call my own! [_SYLVIA turns with the intention of sitting down; he places a chair for her._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Taking chair behind table._] A busy man like _you_, my dear Pringle, has no need to make excuses. PRINGLE. [_Fetching a chair for himself._] I really have been fearfully overworked. Not that I complain of _that_! [_As he sits down between the PROFESSOR and SYLVIA._] I'd no idea we should meet _here_, though. Is Ventimore a friend of yours? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Oh, we know him, yes. As _you_ do, it seems. PRINGLE. I sublet a room in my offices to him. Rather a good arrangement for him, because he gets experience by looking after any little matters that I've no time to attend to. SYLVIA. [_With suppressed resentment._] And isn't that rather a good arrangement for _you_? PRINGLE. It works fairly well--as a rule. But when I returned from the country this afternoon I found he hadn't been near the office all day! [_He rises, takes SYLVIA'S parasol officiously, and places it in a corner, then returns._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_To his wife, but speaking at SYLVIA._] Not been near the office all day! I _thought_ as much! SYLVIA. The reason _why_ he wasn't able to help you, Mr. Pringle, is because he's been at an auction, bidding for things on father's account. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I should have attended the sale myself but for an engagement to lecture at the Hieroglyphical on a recently inscribed cylinder. MRS. FUTVOYE. And--you'll hardly believe it, Mr. Pringle,--but, the moment the lecture was over, he hurried us off here to find out what Mr. Ventimore had got for him! It's really too ridiculous! As if his study wasn't littered up quite enough already! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Women, my dear Pringle, can't understand the feelings of a collector. It's not _every_ day, I can tell you, that a collection of such importance comes into the market. PRINGLE. I didn't know Ventimore was an expert in such things. I thought you could get brokers to bid for you. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Of course--of course. But I don't trust brokers--they know too much! And, as I gave Ventimore my own catalogue, with a tick against the lots I want and the limit I'm prepared to go, noted on the margin, he _can't_ make any mistake. PRINGLE. I suppose not. That is, if he's _accustomed_ to auctions. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. What do you mean? PRINGLE. Only that if you _aren't_, there's always a liability to lose your head in the excitement, and go beyond the margin. But I daresay Ventimore wouldn't do _that_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. If he _has_! [_He rises excitedly._] And he might--he _might_! With his recklessness about money, it's the very thing he _would_ do! Letting me in for prices I can't afford! [_Passionately._] No wonder he is in no hurry to show himself--no wonder! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Rising and attempting to pacify him._] Now, Anthony, there's nothing to work yourself up into a state for, at present. Do for goodness' sake wait till you hear all about it! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Resentfully._] It seems I shall _have_ to wait, Sophia--but I'm tired of waiting _here_. [_He goes to get his hat and stick._] And evidently he doesn't intend to---- [_Turns, as the door opens and HORACE VENTIMORE comes in briskly. HORACE is a pleasant-looking young man, with a cheery and rather boyish manner; he comes down and greets the FUTVOYES without seeing PRINGLE for the moment; SYLVIA has risen, delighted at his arrival._ HORACE. I _say_! This is jolly! [_Shaking hands._] Wish I'd known you were coming on here after the lecture. [_PRINGLE rises, and waits stiffly for recognition._] Warm work, wasn't it, Professor, lecturing on an afternoon like this? Do sit down. [_Looks at table._] Haven't they given you any tea? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Irritably._] No, no, no. We want no tea. It's too late for tea. We merely looked in on our way home to---- HORACE. [_Sees PRINGLE._] And Pringle, too! [_Pats him on shoulder._] How are you, old fellow? You been at the lecture, too? PRINGLE. [_With implied rebuke._] No, I've only just come round--as you weren't at the office,--to---- HORACE. I've been engaged all day. Oh, by the bye, do you know Professor and Mrs.---- [_Is about to introduce him._ PRINGLE. [_Stiffly._] I am happy to say, my dear fellow, that I require no introduction. We are old friends. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Impatiently._] To come to the point, Ventimore, as we are rather pressed for time--about the sale? How did you get on, eh? HORACE. Oh, ah--the sale. [_Producing catalogue from pocket._] Well, I did exactly as you told me. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Snatching catalogue from him._] Yes, yes. Let's go through it lot by lot. Lot 23, now. Did you get that? HORACE. No. Another fellow got _that_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Annoyed._] Tssch! Well,--so long as you secured Lot 35. [_Reading from catalogue._] "Copper bowl, engraved round rim with verse from Hafiz," you know. Come, you didn't miss _that_? [_SYLVIA is listening anxiously._ HORACE. I did, though. It was snapped up by a sportsman in the very worst hat I ever saw in my life. He got it for sixteen guineas. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Disgusted._] What? A rare example of early Persian work like that going for only sixteen guineas! I'd willingly have paid double the money! HORACE. But your limit was seven pound ten, sir! And you warned me not to exceed it. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. You should have used your own judgment, sir! Well, well,--which of the lots I marked _did_ you get? HORACE. [_Going to SYLVIA, who is sympathetically distressed._] Couldn't get one of 'em. They all fetched record prices. _Professor Futvoye._ [_Violently._] Upon my soul!... Pringle, you were right! I ought to have employed a broker! [_To HORACE._] So you've come back with absolutely _nothing_? HORACE. Well, no. I did manage to get _one_ thing. SYLVIA. I _knew_ you would! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_To HORACE._] You did? But I understood you to say just now----! HORACE. This was a little flutter on my own account. I thought I'd stick the sale out, do you see; and near the end there was an extra lot put up--it wasn't in the catalogue. [_The PROFESSOR makes an exclamation of angry disgust._] Well, it was being passed round for us to look at--and nobody seemed to think much of it. But it struck me, somehow, it might be a dark horse, so I made a bid--and got it for only a sovereign! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Pah! SYLVIA. But you haven't told us yet what it _is_. HORACE. Haven't I? Oh, well, it's a sort of metal jar. Brass, the auctioneer said it was. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Tchah! Some modern bazaar trash! HORACE. It doesn't _look_ modern. I left it downstairs to be cleaned. [_Going to door right of fireplace._] I'll go and bring it up. [_He goes out._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Furious._] I've no patience with the fellow! Squandering his sovereigns like this on worthless rubbish! MRS. FUTVOYE. Don't be so fractious, Anthony! For all you can tell, he may have picked up a treasure. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Grimly._] He _may_, Sophia. On the other hand, he may _not_. Which, on the whole, is rather more probable. [_He retires up to the fireplace as HORACE returns, carrying a large metal bottle with a long neck and bulbous body, encrusted with a thick greenish-white deposit. PRINGLE closes the door for him after he has entered._ HORACE. [_Bringing the bottle down to right of table._] Here it is! [_The others--except the PROFESSOR, who remains aloof--gather round and examine it in dubious silence._] It's not much to _look_ at. PRINGLE. Very dusty! [_Wipes his hand after touching the bottle._] And you gave a _sovereign_ for this, Ventimore, eh? H'm! Dear me! SYLVIA. It may look better when it's had a good scrubbing. MRS. FUTVOYE. Scrubbing, my dear! It will have to be _scraped_ first! HORACE. Yes--looks as if it had been dragged up from the bottom of the sea, doesn't it? I've an idea it may be worth something. I should like to have _your_ opinion, Professor. [_He smiles uneasily._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_After a glance at it._] My opinion is that you might just as well have flung your sovereign into the gutter! HORACE. I admit it was speculative--but it _may_ turn out a winner. It's rather odd it should be so tightly sealed up. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_With more interest._] Sealed up, is it? [_Coming down and looking at it more carefully._] H'm--the _form_ is certainly antique. It's wonderful what they can do in Birmingham! HORACE. I really think it may have something inside it. It's not so very heavy, and yet--[_tapping it_]--it doesn't sound quite as if it were empty. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. It _might_ contain something. I think it most unlikely--but still, it _might_. SYLVIA. [_Laughing._] You don't mean it might be like that jar the Fisherman found in "The Arabian Nights," with a Genius inside it? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I did _not_ mean anything so frivolous, my dear. And, if you _must_ quote "The Arabian Nights," it's as well to remember in future that the more correct term is not "Genius," but "Jinnee." Singular, Jinnee--plural, Jinn. SYLVIA. I'll remember, dear. Singular, Jinn--plural, Jinnies. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Instructively._] A name applied by Arab mythology to a race of aerial beings, created of the flame of fire, but capable of assuming human form and exercising supernatural powers. SYLVIA. Oh, do let's open it now and see what _is_ inside! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Don't be childish, Sylvia, don't be childish! We've no time now for idle curiosity. If we're to dress and be back here by eight o'clock, we ought to start at once. [_MRS. FUTVOYE prepares to go and moves towards door._] Good-bye, then, Ventimore, for the present. [_He gets his hat and stick._] It is not to be an _elaborate_ entertainment, I trust? A simple ordinary little dinner is all _I_ require. HORACE. [_As he opens the door for MRS. FUTVOYE._] I've tried to remember your tastes, Professor. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I hope you have succeeded. Good-bye, Pringle. Very glad to have run across you again. Let us see more of you in future. PRINGLE. [_Going to the door with him._] You shall, Professor, you shall. [_Following PROFESSOR and MRS. FUTVOYE out to landing._] By the way, are you likely to be in next----? [_HORACE closes door, leaving SYLVIA still looking at the bottle._ SYLVIA. [_Turning as he comes down to her._] I'm certain there must be _something_ inside that jar. And if it's anything really interesting, father will be so frightfully pleased that he won't be disagreeable all the evening! HORACE. [_Ruefully._] Ah, I'm afraid that's too much to look forward to. SYLVIA. [_Touching his arm with a little gesture of sympathy._] You poor dear! You're not beginning to be nervous about your dinner, are you? HORACE. N--no. Not _nervous_ exactly. Something _might_ go wrong. Still, I hope there won't be _much_ your father can find fault with. SYLVIA. I'm sure there won't! And if he does, why, _we_ won't mind, will we? We shall be together, you know! HORACE. [_Putting his arm round her._] That's what I've been thinking of all day! [_He kisses her as PRINGLE returns, unseen by them. His jaw drops as he sees them together._ PRINGLE. [_Coming forward._] Er----[_HORACE and SYLVIA separate._] Miss Sylvia--the Professor asked me to tell you---- SYLVIA. I was just coming. [_Taking her parasol and moving to door, which PRINGLE has left open._] Good-bye, Mr. Pringle. [_Stopping HORACE and PRINGLE as they are about to see her down the stairs._] No, you mustn't come down, either of you. [_To HORACE, with an affectation of distance._] Good-bye--Mr. Ventimore. [_She goes out._ PRINGLE. [_By the table._] I should like to ask you, Ventimore, have you known Miss Futvoye _long_? HORACE. [_Still at door, looking after SYLVIA._] A little over six weeks. PRINGLE. And I have known her for as many years! HORACE. [_Closing door, and coming towards him._] Have you, though? I noticed the Professor was uncommonly cordial to you. Look here, are you doing anything this evening? PRINGLE. Er--no. That is, nothing particular. Why? HORACE. Because it would be friendly of you if you'd come and dine here. _They're_ coming, you know. PRINGLE. I know. [_After a moment's hesitation._] Thanks, I don't mind if I do. HORACE. Capital! I'm sure if any one can keep the old man in a good humour, _you_ can. PRINGLE. [_Sourly._] I see. You want me to engage him in conversation and leave you free to carry on your flirtation with Miss Futvoye unobserved? HORACE. Not quite that. There's nothing _underhand_ about it. We're engaged, you know. PRINGLE. Engaged! [_After a pause._] And how long have you been that? HORACE. Only since the day before yesterday. PRINGLE. [_Blankly._] Oh! [_He walks down to window._] I congratulate you; er--heartily, of course. [_Looking out of window._] And--and when do you think of being married? HORACE. It's no use thinking of that, at present. Not till the Professor takes a rosier view of my prospects, at all events. But if, like a good fellow, you could put in a word for me, it would give me no end of a leg up! PRINGLE. [_Dully, with his face still averted._] You don't seem to realise what you're asking! HORACE. [_Suddenly understanding, with compunction._] My _dear_ chap! [_He puts both his hands on PRINGLE'S shoulders._] What a selfish brute I've been not to see! I _am_ sorry! PRINGLE. [_Stiffly._] As a matter of fact, I'd quite made up my mind to propose to her--as soon as I'd got those country jobs off my mind. And now I find _you_'ve cut in before me! HORACE. Well, it's straight of you to tell me. I suppose you'd rather come and dine some _other_ evening? If so---- PRINGLE. No. A promise is a promise. I'll come. Mind you, I don't pretend it won't be an effort--but I'll see what I can do for you. HORACE. [_Gratefully._] You _are_ a good chap, Pringle!--one of the best! Though, really, after what you've told me, I hardly like---- PRINGLE. Not another word. Anything I _can_ say on your behalf--without _too_ wide a departure from strict accuracy--I'll say with pleasure. [_Going up to door._] Eight o'clock's the hour, isn't it? All right. [_He goes out._] [_HORACE makes a movement towards the fireplace, as if to ring the bell. Then his eye is caught by the brass bottle, which is standing in the centre of the room. He stops, looks at his watch, and decides that he has time to open the bottle. He examines the cap on its neck, then goes to sideboard and takes from it a heavy paper-weight and a champagne-opener, returns to chair on right of table and sits, holding the bottle between his knees. Using the champagne-opener as a chisel, and the paper-weight as hammer, he proceeds to chip away the deposit round the cap, whistling an air from a musical comedy as he works._ HORACE. [_To himself._] I've _loosened_ it. [_He seizes the cap and tries to screw it off._] It's _giving_! [_Suddenly the room is in complete darkness; there is a loud report and a spurt of flame from the bottle. HORACE has fallen back on the floor, with the cap of the bottle in his hand. There is just light enough to see a tall weird figure standing with out-stretched arms behind the bottle._ HORACE. [_Sitting up and rubbing the back of his head; faintly._] Hullo! Is any one there? Who's that come in? THE STRANGER. [_In an attitude of supplication._] Towbah! Yah nebbi Ullah! Anna lah amill Kathahlik ibadan! Wullah-hi! HORACE. I daresay you're perfectly right, sir--but I've no idea what you're talking about. THE STRANGER. [_Repeating the Arabic sentence._] Towbah! (&c. &c.) Wullah-hi! HORACE. [_About to raise himself, sees the figure for the first time, and falls back astonished; then, recovering himself._] I suppose you've just taken the rooms on the ground-floor--so you _must_ be able to make yourself understood in English? THE STRANGER. [_The room has grown lighter, and he is seen to be in dull-green robes and a high-peaked turban. His long grey beard is divided into three thin strands; his eyes are slightly slanted, and his expression is a curious mixture of fatuous benignity, simplicity, and cunning._] Assuredly I can speak so as to be understood of all men. HORACE. Then it's as well to _do_ it. What was it you said just now? THE STRANGER. I said: "Repentance, O Prophet of Allah! I will not return to the like conduct ever!" HORACE. Oh, I beg your pardon. [_Sitting up again._] Thought you were speaking to _me_. But I say--[_looking up at him_]--how do you come to be here? THE STRANGER. Surely by thine own action! HORACE. I see. You ran up to see what was the matter. Fact is, my head's still rather buzzy. I fancy I must have hit it somehow when I was trying to open that jar. THE STRANGER. Then it _was_ thy hand and none other that removed the stopper? HORACE. I--I suppose so. All _I_ know is that _something_ went off with a bang. I can't imagine what could have been _inside_ the beastly thing! THE STRANGER. Who else but I myself? HORACE. [_Slowly rising to his feet._] You must have your little joke, eh? [_He reels against the table._] Or did I misunderstand you? My head's in such a muddle! THE STRANGER. I tell thee that I have been confined within that accursed vessel for centuries beyond all calculation. HORACE. You can't pull my leg like that, you know! Seriously, just tell me who you _are_. THE STRANGER. Know then that he who now addresseth thee is none other than Fakrash-el-Aamash, a Jinnee of the Green Jinn. HORACE. [_Half to himself._] Singular, "Jinnee"--plural, "Jinn." Where did I hear that? I--I shall remember presently. FAKRASH. I dwelt in the Palace of the Mountain of the Clouds in the Garden of Irem, above the City of Babel. HORACE. [_To himself._] Why, of _course_! Sylvia! The Arabian Nights! [_To FAKRASH._] I can quite account for you _now_--but go on. FAKRASH. For a certain offence that I committed, the wrath of Suleymán, the son of Dáood--on whom be peace!--[_he salaams_]--was heavy against me, and he commanded that I should be enclosed within a bottle of brass, and thrown into the Sea of El-Karkar, there to abide the Day of Doom. HORACE. Don't think I'm _believing_ in you. [_Walking round the front of the bottle, as if to test FAKRASH by touching him._] I've sense enough to know you're not _real_! [_He withdraws his hand without venturing upon the experiment._ FAKRASH. Stroke thy head and recover thy faculties! I am real, even as thou art. [_He touches HORACE'S shoulder; HORACE recoils._ HORACE. I shall come round in time! [_By the table, to FAKRASH._] You tell me you've just come out of this bottle? FAKRASH. Dost thou doubt that it is even as I have said? HORACE. Well, I should have thought myself you'd take a bigger size in bottles. But of course, I couldn't doubt you if I saw you get _into_ it again. FAKRASH. That would be the easiest of actions! [_He makes a sudden swooping movement, as though to re-enter the bottle, and then thinks better of it._] But I should indeed be a silly-bearded one to do this thing, since thou mightst be tempted to seal me up once more! HORACE. [_Disappointed, and backing against table, half afraid._] Too knowing an old bird to be caught like that, aren't you? But _I_ don't mind! You'll disappear presently. FAKRASH. True, O young man of perfect qualities and good works! But I will not leave thee before I have rewarded thy kindness. For in the sky it is written upon the pages of the air: "He who doeth kind actions shall experience the like!" Therefore--[_with a lordly gesture_]--demand of me what thou wilt, and thou shalt receive! HORACE. Oh, I shall be awake so soon it's not worth while troubling you. FAKRASH. Dismiss bashfulness from thee. [_Advancing towards him._] For by thy hand hath my deliverance been accomplished, and if I were to serve thee for a thousand years, regarding nothing else, even thus could I not requite thee! HORACE. [_Retreating in some alarm to window._] Look here. I don't want _anything_, and--and the best thing _you_ can do is to vanish. FAKRASH. [_At back of table._] Not till thou hast told me thy name and the trade that thou followest. HORACE. Oh, you'll go _then_? [_FAKRASH assents._] Well, I'll humour you. My name is Horace Ventimore, and I'm an architect. I get my living by building houses, you know. Or rather, I _should_, if I could only get hold of a client--which I can't. FAKRASH. [_Coming down nearer bottle._] Grant thy servant a period of delay, and it may be that I can procure thee a client. HORACE. Good old Arabian Nights again! You'd better not make the delay long--my head will be clear very soon. FAKRASH. Greater rewards by far will I bestow upon thee, most meritorious of men! But now--[_going up to right_]--I must leave thee for a season. HORACE. I _knew_ I was coming round--you'll be gone directly. FAKRASH. Aye, for I must seek out Suleymán--[_salaaming_]--on whom be peace!--and obtain pardon from him. [_He waves his arm, and the door at back flies open._ HORACE. [_Eagerly._] Yes--I _would_! You go and do _that_! Make haste! [_The door closes, leaving FAKRASH visible through it in an unearthly light._] Good-bye--and good luck! FAKRASH. [_Through door._] To thee also! And be assured that I will not be unmindful of thy welfare! [_The door becomes solid as FAKRASH vanishes._ HORACE. [_Rubbing his eyes._] What a queer dream! [_He goes up to the door, opens it, then returns and sits by table._] So vivid! [_He sees the brass bottle on the floor._] Open! [_Looking inside it._] Empty! H'm, better get it out of the way. [_He takes the bottle in one hand and the cap in the other, and carries them into the bedroom on right. The moment he has gone there is a rush of wind, and then a heavy thud on the balcony outside, and MR. WACKERBATH, a stout, prosperous-looking, elderly gentleman, in tall hat, frock-coat, white waistcoat, &c., reels through the open window into the room, and sinks into the armchair on left of tablet where he sits puffing and blowing._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_Feebly._] Where _am_ I? How did I----? [_He takes off his hat._] Ah, of course! I remember now. [_He rises as HORACE enters from bedroom._] Mr.--ah--Ventimore, I think? Mr. Horace Ventimore? HORACE. [_Slightly surprised._] Yes, that's my name. [_Offering chair on right of table._] Won't you sit down? MR. WACKERBATH. Thank you--I will. [_He sits down._] I--I ought to apologise for dropping in on you in this--ah--unceremonious way--but I acted, I may say--ah--on a sudden impulse. HORACE. I'm afraid I haven't much time to spare--but if it's anything of importance---- MR. WACKERBATH. [_Panting._] You must give me a little time--till I--ah--get my wind again. HORACE. Certainly. I know the stairs here _are_ rather steep. MR. WACKERBATH. Are they? I don't remember noticing them. However! My name, Mr. Ventimore, is Wackerbath--Samuel Wackerbath, of Wackerbath and Greatrex, a firm of auctioneers and estate agents whose name may--ah--possibly be not unfamiliar to you. HORACE. [_Who has obviously never heard it before._] Oh, of course--of course. MR. WACKERBATH. I may tell you that for the last few years I have rented an old place--Moatham Abbey they call it--in Surrey, which is not quite as up-to-date as I could wish in the matter of modern conveniences. HORACE. That's not unusual with ancient abbeys, is it? MR. WACKERBATH. [_Solemnly._] Precisely. Well, to come to the point, I've lately acquired some land in the neighbourhood of Surrey and Hampshire, with a view to building a country residence. [_HORACE becomes more interested, and seats himself at table on MR. WACKERBATH'S right._] You see, there's an excellent site--on a hill with a south aspect, just above the village of Lipsfield, and overlooking the valley and river---- HORACE. [_Making a note._] Well, Mr. Wackerbath----? MR. WACKERBATH. Well, as I was saying only a minute or two ago to a friend as we were crossing Westminster Bridge on our way to Waterloo----[_He pauses, with an endeavour to recollect._] Where _was_ I? HORACE. Waterloo. MR. WACKERBATH. Ah, yes. I remarked to him: "All I require is a thoroughly capable architect." [_HORACE grows alert and excited._] And instantly _your_ name flashed across my mind. So I--ah--hurried off at once, and--here I _am_! HORACE. [_With a sudden misgiving._] May I ask--you--you weren't _recommended_ to me by--by--[_he looks round at the door through which FAKRASH has vanished_]--any one? MR. WACKERBATH. [_With dignity._] Certainly not! It was--ah--entirely my own idea. But why do you ask? [_Huffily._] Is an introduction necessary? HORACE. [_Relieved._] No, no--not in the least! I--I merely asked. I shall be very pleased to undertake the commission. Could you give me some idea of the amount you thought of spending on the house? MR. WACKERBATH. Well, I don't think I could go to more than--say, _sixty_ thousand pounds. HORACE. [_Half rising in his surprise._] Sixty thousand! [_He recollects himself and sits down in assumed calm._] Oh, not more than _that_? I _see_. MR. WACKERBATH. For the house itself. But there'll be the out-buildings--and the decorations. Altogether, I sha'n't complain so long as the total doesn't exceed a hundred thousand. I take it that, for that sum, Mr. Ventimore, you could give me a country-house that I shall have no cause--ah--to feel ashamed of. HORACE. I can safely promise _that_. And now--when could I run down and have a look at the site, and go into the matter thoroughly? MR. WACKERBATH. We must fix a day later. I'm rather in a hurry now; and besides, I must consult the wife. Perhaps you could give me an appointment here? HORACE. These are only my private rooms. I shall be at my office in Great College Street to-morrow, if you could look in then. [_Giving him card._] Here's the address. MR. WACKERBATH. Good! [_He rises and moves towards window, while HORACE rings bell by fireplace._] I'll look in on my way from Waterloo to the City. [_He perceives that he is walking out on to a balcony, and turns._] How the devil did I come in? I'll be with you at eleven sharp. [_He goes towards the bedroom door on the right._ HORACE. [_At door to landing._] _This_ way, Mr. Wackerbath. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Vaguely._] I thought I came _that_ way. [_As he goes up._] I can see already that you're the very man for me. [_At door to landing._] Now I must be off, or I shall miss my train to Lipsfield. [_As HORACE offers to see him downstairs._] Don't trouble--I can find my way down. Eleven sharp to-morrow. _Good_ evening. [_As he passes out HORACE touches his back, as though half suspecting him to be another illusion. MR. WACKERBATH turns and shakes hands effusively, then goes out, and HORACE closes door._ HORACE. [_To himself._] _He's_ no dream, anyhow! [_With exultation._] A client! A real client of my own! At last! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Enters from landing._] Did you ring for me, sir?--or was it only to let the gentleman out? [_She comes down._ HORACE. Oh, there _is_ something I had to tell you. We shall be _five_ at dinner, not four. You can manage all right, eh? MRS. RAPKIN. [_Comfortably._] Lor, yes, sir. _That_ won't make no difference! HORACE. [_In front of table._] By the way, Mrs. Rapkin, you haven't let your ground-floor yet, have you? To--to an Asiatic gentleman? MRS. RAPKIN. _Me_, sir? Let to a Asiatic! No,--nor wouldn't! Why, there was Rapkin's own sister-in-law let her droring-room floor to one. And--[_darkly_]--reason she 'ad to repent of it--for all his gold spectacles. HORACE. [_Relieved._] Ah, I _thought_ you hadn't. [_Sits on table._] Well, about the waiting to-night? I suppose I can depend on Rapkin for that, eh? Where _is_ he? MRS. RAPKIN. Well, sir, not to deceive you, he ain't back yet from his Public--Libery as _he_ calls it. HORACE. Oh, _that's_ what he calls it, eh? MRS. RAPKIN. Whatever he's took, sir, you may rely on him to 'and the dishes without 'aving no accidents. [_A noise is heard from the street below, which gradually resolves itself into an Oriental chant._ HORACE. What's going on outside? [_He goes to window, looks out, and then starts back uneasily._] I say. It's--it's devilish odd--but there seems to me to be a whole caravan of camels down there! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Crossing to window._] Camuels, sir? HORACE. Well, you look and see what _you_ make of them! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Looking down over balcony._] Lor! They _do_ look like camuels, sir--or _somethink_ o' that. I expect they belong to the 'Ippodrome, or else a circus. HORACE. [_Relieved._] I say, what a sensible woman you are! Of course! I never thought of _that_! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Still looking out, while the chant finishes with a few shouts, as though a halt were called._] They seem to be stopping outside the 'ouse. Them camuels have folded up, and all the niggers as is with them is a kneelin' down with their noses on the kerbstone! HORACE. [_Uncomfortably._] They're only _resting_. Come away and don't take any notice. They'll move on presently. MRS. RAPKIN. [_Still at window._] But they're _unpackin'_ the camuels now! And--well, if they ain't bringing everythink in _'ere_! [_She retreats to behind the table._ HORACE. Great Scott! [_He comes down to left of stage._ MRS. RAPKIN. They wouldn't be _more_ things as you've been buying at that auction, sir, would they? [_The chant is heard now inside the house._ HORACE. No, no. It's a mistake! It _must_ be a mistake! MRS. RAPKIN. Then I'd better go and tell them---- [_She moves towards door to landing, but before she reaches it, it flies open mysteriously. A moment afterwards a tall, fierce Oriental in turban and robes appears in doorway and salaams. MRS. RAPKIN recoils with a cry. Then a train of black slaves enter, carrying large sacks, bales, and chests, which they deposit on the table and floor, till the room is completely blocked; their chief stands down on right, with his back to the audience, and directs them by gestures._ HORACE. Look here! I say,--you fellows! You've come to the wrong house! [_The slaves pay no attention to him._ MRS. RAPKIN. 'Ere! my good _men_, what are you comin' in '_ere_ for, bringing all your dust into my apartments? HORACE. [_Standing paralysed; to himself._] We can't _both_ be dreaming! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Trying to remonstrate with slaves._] This rubbish don't belong _'ere_! I can't 'ave the 'ole place littered up with it! You needn't act so ridic'lous if you _are_ niggers! [_To HORACE._] It ain't no use _my_ talking to 'em, sir. They're not like _Christians_--they're deaf and dumb, seemingly! _You_ try! HORACE. [_Going to the HEAD SLAVE, who salaams as he approaches._] Can you understand if I ask a question? [_The HEAD SLAVE salaams again._] Well, I--I know it seems a silly thing to ask--but--but you don't happen to be sent here by--by anybody with a name something like Fakrash? [_The HEAD SLAVE implies by a gesture that this is so._] You _have_!... Well, look here. _I_ don't want 'em. I decline to take 'em in. You have all these things put on the camels again, and clear out! Do you see what I mean? [_By this time the other slaves have gone; the HEAD SLAVE signifies in pantomime that the things are HORACE'S, salaams, and goes out, the door closing behind him mysteriously._] I don't believe that idiot understands _now_! They've gone off to fetch _more_! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Who has returned to window._] They've gone off altogether, sir. I can't see nothink now but a cloud of dust. HORACE. [_Sinks into chair on right of table with his head buried in his hands._] The fools! The confounded fools! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Comes to table and looks for HORACE in vain._] Sir! Sir! [_Sees him over the bales, &c._] Sir! Where _are_ you going to 'ave your dinner-party _now_? HORACE. [_Forlornly._] Oh, I don't know--I don't know! Don't worry me now, Mrs. Rapkin! Go away! Can't you see I want to think--I want to _think_! MRS. RAPKIN. [_As she goes towards door at back._] Well, I _must_ say and I _do_ say that if this _'ad_ to 'appen, it couldn't have come more ill-convenient! [_She goes out._ [_As soon as she has gone HORACE rises and comes to an antique-looking trunk on left; he opens it, and brings out an enormous emerald and ruby, each the size of a cocoa-nut; he looks at them for a moment in dismay, and drops them back with a groan. Then he crosses to a sack on the right, opens it, and brings out an immense diamond. While he is doing all this, FAKRASH has risen from among the bales behind the table, and watches him with benign complacency._ HORACE. [_As he returns the diamond to the sack._] Oh! damn it all! FAKRASH. My son! HORACE. [_Recoiling on sacks._] I'm not dreaming _now_! I'm awake! And yet--all that story of yours about your being shut up in a brass bottle? I _did_ dream _that_--eh? FAKRASH. Nay, it is even as I told thee. HORACE. And it _was_ you who sent me all these things? FAKRASH. A few trifling gifts by no means suited to thy dignity! Thou owest me no thanks. HORACE. I--I'd rather not owe you _anything_. I mean--I can't possibly accept any presents from you. FAKRASH. Nay, they are freely thine. HORACE. I don't want to be ungracious, but I must decline to be under any obligation whatever to a--well, to a perfect stranger like yourself. FAKRASH. Hast thou not placed me under the heaviest of obligations by delivering me from a bottle of brass? To escape out of a bottle is pleasant! HORACE. So I should imagine. But, you see, I'd no notion what I was _doing_ or--well, it's done _now_, and if you really wish to show your gratitude for a very trifling service, I'll tell you how you can do it. [_In a tone of earnest entreaty._] Take back all these gifts of yours, and let me alone! FAKRASH. [_Beaming._] Truly I am amazed by thy modesty and magnanimity! HORACE. I'm _not_ magnanimous--I'm devilish annoyed! [_Exasperated._] Hang it all! _Can't_ you understand that all these things are no earthly use to _me_? You might just as well have sent me so many white elephants! FAKRASH. As thou pleasest! To send thee elephants--yea, even in abundance--will be no difficult undertaking. [_He makes a movement as though about to summon them._ HORACE. [_Aghast._] Good Lord! Don't you go wasting white elephants on _me_! You take everything so literally! All _I_ meant was that if these things _were_ white elephants, instead of what they are, I couldn't be more embarrassed! _Now_ do you see? FAKRASH. [_Coming down to right._] Thou seemest to me to be despising riches beyond all price. HORACE. Exactly! Because they _are_ beyond all price! _Look_ at those sacks--bulging, simply _bulging_ with diamonds and rubies and emeralds as big as ostrich eggs! Well, I can't _wear_ 'em. They'd be too dressy! I can't _sell_ 'em--no one could afford to buy a single one of 'em! And how am I to account for having them at all? FAKRASH. Thou canst surely say that they are presents to thee from Fakrash-el-Aamash, a Jinnee of the Green Jinn, in return for thy kindness in releasing him from a bottle of brass. HORACE. Oh, _can_ I? I fancy I see myself giving that explanation! [_More mildly._] No, Fakrash,--you meant well--but the kindest thing _you_ can do is to remove all this at once---- FAKRASH. This is a thing that cannot be. For to bestow gifts and receive them back disgraceth the giver. HORACE. Not when the gifts are only in the way. [_He nearly trips over a sack._] Just _look_ at this room! FAKRASH. Verily it is but a miserable apartment for a person of thy distinction! HORACE. It's quite good enough for me when it isn't lumbered up like this. I'm expecting friends to dinner this evening, and how the deuce am I to entertain them comfortably unless you make it possible for me? FAKRASH. [_Benevolently._] Have no uneasiness. I will see that thou art enabled to entertain thy guests as is fitting. HORACE. Good! [_At window._] Then you'll send for that caravan of yours? FAKRASH. I hear and obey. [_He goes towards door at back and waves his hand. The door flies open. The chant is heard as before. A pause, after which the HEAD SLAVE enters and salaams. Then the train of black slaves pour in noiselessly, and proceed to carry out the chests, &c., and throw the bales out over the balcony._ HORACE. [_Encouraging them._] That's right! _All_ those are to go. Put your back into it! [_To some slaves who are throwing down bales from the balcony._] Do be careful! You nearly bowled a camel over _that_ time! [_The last slave has gone out with a sack from which an immense blue jewel has rolled; HORACE picks it up and calls after him._] Hi! You've dropped a little sapphire thing! [_The HEAD SLAVE takes the sapphire from him and salaams._] Sure you've got the lot? All right! Good day! [_The HEAD SLAVE makes a final salaam and goes out, the door closing after him mysteriously; HORACE approaches FAKRASH._] It's awfully nice of you not to be _offended_, old fellow, and I'm just as much obliged as if I'd _kept_ the things, you know. FAKRASH. It is no matter. Thou shalt receive other rewards more to thy liking. HORACE. [_Alarmed._] No, no! I assure you I don't want _anything_. I can get along quite well by myself. Because--of course, _you_ wouldn't know it, but--[_with pride_]--I've got a client now! FAKRASH. [_Calmly._] I know it. Was he not my first gift unto thee? HORACE. [_Staggered._] Your first----? No, no--don't you go taking credit for _that_! He assured me himself that he came of his own accord! FAKRASH. He knew no better. Nevertheless it was I that procured him for thee. HORACE. How? FAKRASH. [_Airily._] In the easiest manner possible. Having remarked him upon a bridge, I transported him instantly to thy dwelling, impressing him without his knowledge with thy names and thy marvellous abilities. HORACE. [_Horrified--to himself._] Good Lord! He _said_ he came in by the window! [_To FAKRASH._] So you did _that_, did you? Then you took a confounded liberty! You'd no business to introduce clients to me in that irregular way! Don't you ever do this sort of thing again! Just attend to your own affairs in future. I _understood_ you were going off in search of Suleymán. It's high time you _started_. You won't find him in _this_ country, you know. FAKRASH. He is on some journey--for in Jerusalem itself could I find no sign of him. HORACE. Oh, come! You can't have flown as far as Jerusalem and back _already_! FAKRASH. Know'st thou not that, to a Jinnee of the Jinn, distance is but a trifling matter? HORACE. So much the better! You'll be back in the East all the sooner. And when you _are_ there, you _stay_ there. Don't get disheartened if you don't find Suleymán directly. Keep on pegging away till you _do_! Why, the mere travelling will be a pleasant change for you! FAKRASH. [_On right of table; sententiously._] Well and wisely was it written: "In travel there are five advantages. [_Proceeding to enumerate them on his fingers._] The first of these is----" HORACE. [_Impatiently, as he moves to his bedroom door on right._] I know, I know! Don't you bother to run through them _now_--I've got to dress for dinner. Just you bundle off to Arabia and search for Suleymán like billy-oh. Good-bye! FAKRASH. May Allah never deprive thy friends of thy presence! Never have I encountered a mortal who has pleased me so greatly! HORACE. [_At bedroom door._] Awfully good of you to say so! FAKRASH. Farewell! Prepare to receive a reward beyond all thine expectations! [_He waves his arm, and for ten seconds the room is in utter darkness. There are sounds as of a rushing wind and crashes and rumblings. Then the glimmer of three Arabian hanging lanterns is seen faintly illuminating a large central arch and two smaller side ones. An immense perforated lantern hanging from the domed roof then becomes lit, and reveals an octagonal hall with four curtained arches, the fourth, down on the right, being where HORACE'S bedroom door had been. The walls are decorated in crimson, blue, and gold arabesques. Above the bedroom door is a low divan with richly embroidered cushions. Opposite to it, on the left, is a similar divan. High in the wall overhead is a window with gilded lattice-work, through which is seen a soft blue evening sky._ HORACE. [_With his back to the audience._] Great Scott! What's that old idiot let me in for _now_? MRS. RAPKIN. [_Heard outside the arch up on right of central arch._] Oh, whatever is it _now_? What's 'appened? [_She enters._] Goodness gracious! Mr. Ventimore, sir--what's _come_ to the 'ouse? HORACE. Then--_you_ see a difference, Mrs. Rapkin? MRS. RAPKIN. I don't see nothink as _ain't_ different. For mercy's sake, sir, _'oo's_ been alterin' of it like this? HORACE. Well, _I_ haven't. MRS. RAPKIN. But where are you going to 'ave your dinner-party _now_, sir? HORACE. Where? Why, _here_! There's lots of _room_. MRS. RAPKIN. But I don't see no dinner-table, nor yet no sideboard. HORACE. Never mind--never mind! Don't _make_ difficulties, Mrs. Rapkin. You must manage _somehow_. MRS. RAPKIN. I'll try, sir, but--not to deceive you--I feel that upset I 'ardly know where I _am_. HORACE. You--you'll get used to it. [_Persuasively._] And you're going to see me through this, I'm sure. I must go and dress now. [_Looking round the hall._] I suppose you haven't any idea where my bedroom is? MRS. RAPKIN. I've no idea where _any_ of the rooms has got to, sir! HORACE. [_Going to arch down on right._] I expect it's through here. [_As he goes out, RAPKIN enters from the arch on left of central arch. He is respectably dressed--type of elderly retired butler; just now he is slightly and solemnly fuddled._ MRS. RAPKIN. William, this is a pretty state o' things! RAPKIN. What's marrer, M'rire? I'm all _ri'_. On'y bin a-improvin' o' my mind in Public Libery. MRS. RAPKIN. Public Libery, indeed! You and your Public Libery. RAPKIN. It's pos'tive fac'. Bin p'rusin' En-ensicklypejia Britannia. [_He stands blinking and slightly swaying._ MRS. RAPKIN. But do you mean to say you don't _see_ nothing? RAPKIN. [_Muzzily._] Not over distinct, M'rire. Curus opt'cal d'lusion--due to overshtudy--everything's spinnin' round. 'Ave I stepped into Alhambra, or 'ave I not? That's all _I_ want to know. HORACE. [_Outside from right._] That you, Rapkin? I want you. MRS. RAPKIN. [_To RAPKIN._] You ast _'im_ where you are--he's better able to tell you than I am. I'm going back to my kitching. [_She hesitates for a moment as to which arch to go out by, and finally goes out by the one on right of central arch._ HORACE. [_Outside._] Rapkin, I say! [_Then entering from the lower arch on right as soon as MRS. RAPKIN has gone; he is wearing a richly embroidered Oriental robe, &c., and a jewelled turban and plume, of which he is entirely unconscious._] Oh, _there_ you are! Don't stand there gaping like a fish at a flower-show! Where the deuce are my evening clothes? RAPKIN. [_Staring at him._] I don't know if it's _'nother_ opt'cal d'lusion--but you appear t' me to ha' gorrem _on_. HORACE. Eh, what? Nonsense! [_Suddenly discovering that he is in a robe and turban._] Hang it! I can't dine in these things! Just see if you can't find--no, there's no time. _You_ haven't changed yet! Look sharp, the people will be here in a minute or two--you _must_ be ready to open the door to them. RAPKIN. [_Looking round the hall._] I don't seem to see no doors--on'y arches. I _can't_ open a arch--even if it would stay still. HORACE. Pull yourself together, man! [_He twists RAPKIN sharply round._] Come, a little cold water on your head will soon bring you round. RAPKIN. I'm _comin_' round. Don't see s'many arches already! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Rushing in from arch on right of centre arch._] Oh, William, William! Come away at once! RAPKIN. [_Peacefully._] I'm aw'ri, M'rire! MRS. RAPKIN. [_Seeing HORACE'S costume._] Oh, Mr. Ventimore, who's been and dressed you up like that? Why, it's 'ardly Christian! [_To RAPKIN._] Come away out of this 'orrible 'ouse, do! RAPKIN. What's 'orrible about it? MRS. RAPKIN. Everything! Can't you see it's all turned into Arabian 'alls? RAPKIN. _Is_ it? [_He suddenly becomes indignant._] 'Oo's bin and took sech a liberty? MRS. RAPKIN. Ah, you may well ask! Oh, Mr. Ventimore. [_Crossing to HORACE._] You've a deal to answer for, _you_ 'ave! RAPKIN. What? _'Im?_ _'E's_ done it all? HORACE. Mrs. Rapkin, don't _you_ lose your head! I depend on _you_, you know. Get your husband away and make him sober--or the dinner's _bound_ to come to grief! MRS. RAPKIN. Dinner indeed! And me unable to get into my own kitching for them nasty niggers o' yours as is swarmin' there like beedles! The gell's bolted already, and you and me'll go next, William, for stay under this roof with sech I _won't_! [_She drags RAPKIN by the arm to arch up on right._ HORACE. I say, Mr. Rapkin, don't you two desert me now! Just _think_ of the hole I'm in! MRS. RAPKIN. Bein' a 'ole of your own makin', sir, you can get out of it yourself! Come, William! RAPKIN. I'm comin', M'rire! [_As he is dragged through arch by MRS. RAPKIN._] You'll 'ear _more_ o' this, Mr. Ventimore! HORACE. [_Alone on stage._] What's to be done now? Can't dine _here_! [_The front door bell rings with a long jangling tingle._] There they are! What am I to _do_ with 'em? It'll _have_ to be the Carlton, after all! [_He glances down at his robes._] Can't go like _this_, though! [_He tries to take off his turban._] This damned thing won't come off! [_Searching himself for money._] And where are my pockets? [_With resigned despair._] Well, I suppose I must let them in, and--and tell 'em how it is! [_As he turns to go up to the centre arch, the hangings are drawn back with a rattle, disclosing a smaller hall behind. A row of sinister-looking but richly robed black slaves forms on each side of the arch; a still more richly dressed CHIEF SLAVE salaams to HORACE, and with a magnificent gesture ushers in the PROFESSOR, MRS. FUTVOYE, and SYLVIA, to each of whom the double row of slaves salaam obsequiously, to their intense amazement._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Coming down to the right and looking round him._] Why, why, why? What's all this? Where _are_ we? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Following him closely._] We've evidently mistaken the house! SYLVIA. [_Following her mother, and suddenly seeing HORACE._] But surely that's--yes, it _is_ Horace! [_At a gesture from their chief, the slaves retire, and he follows._ HORACE. [_With some constraint, but trying to seem at his ease._] Yes, it's _me_ all right. There's no mistake. Most awfully glad to see you! MRS. FUTVOYE. Dear me! [_Coming towards HORACE._] I really didn't recognise you for the moment. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Snappishly._] I don't know who _would_! HORACE. Oh, ah--you mean in _these_ things. I--I must apologise for not dressing, Mrs. Futvoye, but the fact is, I--I found myself like this, and I hadn't time to put on anything else. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Crossing to HORACE._] Any apologies for the simplicity of your costume are _quite_ unnecessary. SYLVIA. You really are magnificent, Horace! _My_ poor frock is simply nowhere! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Glaring round._] I observe that this is a very different room from the one we were in this afternoon. HORACE. Ah, I _thought_ you'd notice _that_! [_Deciding on perfect candour._] I--I'd better _tell_ you about that. The--the fact is---- [_He starts nervously, as the hangings of the centre arch are drawn back once more, the slaves form a double row, and their chief appears, beckoning to some one to follow him._ PRINGLE. [_Heard outside, addressing CHIEF SLAVE._ ] Mr. Pringle. Mr. _Spencer_ Pringle.... Oh, if you can't manage it, it don't matter! [_He enters, and stares at the salaaming slaves, then round the hall._] My _aunt_! HORACE. [_Coming forward._] Here you are, eh, old fellow? [_The slaves go out._ PRINGLE. [_Staring after the slaves._] Yes, here I am. [_Reproachfully, as he observes HORACE'S costume._] You _might_ have told me it was a fancy-dress affair. HORACE. It isn't. I--I'll explain presently. PRINGLE. [_Sees the FUTVOYES, and crosses to them._] How do you do again, Miss Sylvia? How are you, Mrs. Futvoye? We meet sooner than we expected, eh? [_Turning to the PROFESSOR._] Well, Professor, I suppose _you_ weren't surprised at finding our good host in--[_he looks round the hall again_]--this exceedingly snug little sanctum? I must confess _I_ am. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. My dear fellow, you can't be more surprised than _we_ are! PRINGLE. [_With satisfaction._] You don't mean it! [_Turning to HORACE, who is on the other side of the hall, talking to MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA_.] Then you've only just got this place finished, eh, Ventimore? HORACE. That's all, Pringle. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. To build and decorate such a place as this must have cost a very considerable sum of money. HORACE. You'd _think_ so, wouldn't you? But it _didn't_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Coming towards him._] And that costume you're wearing, those negroes in rich liveries, all this senseless profusion and display we see around us--are you going to tell me _they_ haven't cost you anything? HORACE. I--I was going to explain about that. It's a most extraordinary thing, but--well, you remember that old brass bottle I showed you this afternoon? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Remember it? Of course I remember it! But what of it, sir, what _of_ it? HORACE. Why--er--in a manner of speaking--everything you see here has--er--more or less--come out of that bottle---- PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Infuriated._] That is enough, sir, that is enough! You choose to give me a frivolous answer! I will not submit to be treated like this--I would rather leave the house at once. And I _will_, too! [_He makes a movement towards the arch. SYLVIA and her mother look on in distress, and PRINGLE with secret gratification._ HORACE. No, but I haven't finished! You see, it was like this: When I _opened_ the bottle---- PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Savagely._] Tchah! As you seem unable to realise that this is not a fit time for fooling, I will not stay here to be trifled with. Sophia, Sylvia, we must find some other place to dine in! SYLVIA. [_Going to HORACE, and speaking in a rapid undertone._] Horace! Can't you see? He _means_ it. You _must_ be serious--or else----! HORACE. [_To her._] Yes, I see.... Professor, I'm sorry. I--I never thought you'd be annoyed. All I _really_ meant by--by my feeble little joke was to tell you--in a sort of figurative way, do you see?--that--that my luck has turned at last. THE OTHERS. [_Together._] Turned? _How_ turned? What do you mean? HORACE. Well, I've got a client. THE OTHERS. [_As before._] A client? How? Where? When? HORACE. Just after you all left this afternoon. A clinking good client, too! He's asked me to build him a big country-house, and my commission can't come to less than seven or eight thousand pounds. PRINGLE. [_At the end of a general chorus of surprise._] Seven or eight thousand! [_Incredulously._] May we know the name of this wonderful client of yours? HORACE. It's a Mr. Samuel Wackerbath, a big City auctioneer, I believe. SYLVIA. Why, he's my godfather! MRS. FUTVOYE. An old friend of ours. Eliza Wackerbath and I were at school together. HORACE. [_To PROFESSOR._] So you see, sir, I--I'm not so badly off as you thought. I can afford to--to launch _out_ a bit. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Somewhat mollified._] Hardly, I should have thought, to _this_ extent. However, in the circumstances, I consent to remain. SYLVIA. [_In an undertone to HORACE._] I thought it was all over with us! HORACE. [_In the same to her._] So did I! But I _think_ I'm out of the cart this time. [_He goes up towards the left, talking to her._ PRINGLE. [_Crossing to the PROFESSOR; in an undertone._] _So_ glad you decided to stay, Professor. I was really half afraid you'd go--as a protest against all this ostentation. [_MRS. FUTVOYE is admiring the workmanship of the hangings._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_In an undertone to PRINGLE._] I should have done so, Pringle, I should have _done_ so--but for the inconvenience of dining elsewhere at this hour. [_Aloud, to HORACE._] Ventimore! _[PRINGLE joins MRS. FUTVOYE._] I don't know if _you_ are getting hungry,--but I own _I_ am. Will it be long before they announce dinner? HORACE. [_Turning, with a start._] Dinner? Oh, I _hope_ not--I mean, I _think_ not. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I see no table is laid here. [_Acidly._] But probably you have an equally spacious dining-hall adjoining this? HORACE. Yes. That is,--_probably_, you know. I mean, it's quite _possible_. [_The curtains of the arch on left of centre arch are drawn._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Do you mean to tell me you haven't settled yet where we _are_ to dine? HORACE. [_At a loss for an instant, then he suddenly sees the slaves enter from the arch on left, bearing a low round table, which they place in the centre of the hall._] Oh, we dine _here_, of course!--here. I--I leave it to these fellows. [_Four of the slaves fetch cushions and arrange them as seats around the table, the CHIEF SLAVE directing them._ PRINGLE. I say, Ventimore, what an odd idea of yours, having all these black footmen! Don't you find them a nuisance at times? HORACE. Oh, they--they've only come in for the evening. You see--they're--er--quieter than the ordinary hired waiter--and--and they don't blow on the top of your head. SYLVIA. [_In an undertone, nervously._] Horace! I don't like them! They're so creepy-crawly, somehow! HORACE. [_Suppressing his own antipathy._] After all, darling, we--we mustn't forget that they're men and brothers. [_To the others, as the CHIEF SLAVE advances to him and makes elaborate gesticulations._] I think what he means is that dinner is served. Shall we sit down? MRS. FUTVOYE. I don't see any _chairs_. HORACE. No. It--it's such a low table, you see. So we sit on cushions. M--much better fun! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Grimly._] May I ask if the entire dinner is to be carried out on strictly Arabian principles? HORACE. [_Helplessly._] I--I rather think that _is_ the idea. I hope you don't _mind_, Professor? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I am in your hands, sir, in your hands! Sophia! [_He indicates to MRS. FUTVOYE that she is expected to sit down, and seats himself on the right of table with many precautions; HORACE leads MRS. FUTVOYE to a cushion on his right, and establishes SYLVIA on his left, inviting PRINGLE to the place below MRS. FUTVOYE and opposite the PROFESSOR. A slave brings on a large covered golden dish, which he places on the table in front of HORACE._ HORACE. [_With a pathetic attempt to be cheery, as another slave raises the cover._] Ha! Now we shall see what they've _given_ us! [_The expressions of the party indicate that, whatever the food may be, its savour is not exactly appetising._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I should just like to remark that, having lived in the East myself and had considerable experience of native cooking, I expect to be extremely unwell to-morrow. HORACE. Let's hope for the best, Professor, hope for the best! [_Turning to the_ CHIEF SLAVE behind him._] But, I say! You've forgotten the knives and forks. Nobody has any! What _are_ these fellows about? [_The CHIEF SLAVE explains in pantomime that fingers and thumbs are all that is necessary._] Eh? Do _without_ them? Dip into the dish and help ourselves? Oh--if you say we've _got_ to! [_To MRS. FUTVOYE._] Mrs. Futvoye, can I persuade you to--er--have first dip? MRS. FUTVOYE. Really, Horace, I must get my gloves off _first_! [_She removes them._ HORACE. It _does_ seem a little messy. But _quite_ Arabian, you know--quite _Arabian_! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Vainly trying to reach the dish._] I'm such a long way off! HORACE. Yes. I think we'd better all--er--close up a bit. [_They all work themselves up uncomfortably on their respective cushions nearer the table._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_As HORACE takes MRS. FUTVOYE'S and SYLVIA'S right hands and guides them to the dish._] And he calls this a simple, ordinary little dinner! CURTAIN THE SECOND ACT _The scene is the Arabian Hall--an hour later. The slaves are offering the guests water in golden bowls, and insisting on wiping their hands for them, an attention which the_ PROFESSOR resents._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Ventimore! HORACE. [_Seated in utter dejection._] Yes, Professor? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I infer from the fact that the last course seemed to be something in the nature of--ah--_sweets_---- [_MRS. FUTVOYE and PRINGLE exchange glances, and sigh audibly._ HORACE. They _were_ rather beastly, weren't they? [_A slave takes the PROFESSOR'S hands with great respect, and inserts them into the bowl._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. As I was saying, I infer from that, and the circumstance that your attendant has _again_ attempted to wash my hands, that the--ah--banquet has come to an end. Is that so? HORACE. [_Miserably._] I _hope_ so! I mean--I _think_ so. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Then, as I have been suffering agonies of cramp from having had to sit for an hour on a cushion with my legs crossed, I should be glad, with your permission, to stretch them again. HORACE. So sorry! Mrs. Futvoye, shall we----? [_He helps MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA to rise. PRINGLE has also risen; the PROFESSOR remains on his cushion._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. _I_ should be glad of some slight assistance. [SYLVIA comes to him_; HORACE and MRS. FUTVOYE are by the divan on the left._ PRINGLE. [_Crossing in front of table._] Allow me, Professor, allow me! [_He helps him to his feet._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Thank you, Pringle, thank you. A word with you--[_drawing him away to the right, while SYLVIA joins her mother and Horace up on the left._]--Pringle. [_Lowering his voice._] I declare to you that never, _never_ have I been called upon to swallow a more repulsive and generally villainous meal! And that in a life which has had its--ah--ups and downs! PRINGLE. It's the same here, I can assure you. I don't understand our host's partiality for Arab cookery. And the _wine_! [_With a reminiscent shudder._] _Did_ you try the wine? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I did. It must have been kept in a goat-skin for years! And yet he must have spent a perfectly scandalous amount on this preposterous banquet of his! PRINGLE. A small fortune! Ah, well--I suppose he feels entitled to indulge in these costly fancies--_now_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. He's no business to--just after he's engaged to my daughter! PRINGLE. Ah! It's a thousand pities. Still--he _may_ give up some of this magnificence, when he's married. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I shall take very good care he does that--if he marries Sylvia at all! [_He lowers his voice still more, and the conversation continues in dumb show, PRINGLE by his manner showing that he is doing all in his power to prejudice HORACE while ostensibly defending him. The slaves return, clear away cushions, and remove the table._ HORACE. [_To MRS. FUTVOYE, while SYLVIA stands slightly apart with a somewhat resentful expression._] It's awfully kind of you to be so nice about it--but I know only too well you can't _really_ have enjoyed it. It was a shocking bad dinner from start to finish! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Tolerantly._] Oh, you mustn't say _that_! Perhaps, _next_ time, if you could tell your landlady not to scent _all_ the dishes _quite_ so strongly with musk---- HORACE. I shall certainly mention _that_--if I get the chance. [_Looking across at the PROFESSOR, whose temper is evidently rising._] I'm afraid the Professor won't get over _this_ in a hurry. MRS. FUTVOYE. Perhaps I'd better go and see how he's feeling. [_She crosses, leaving HORACE with SYLVIA._ HORACE. [_To SYLVIA._] I can guess how _you're_ feeling about this. SYLVIA. [_Coldly._] Can you? Then it isn't necessary for me to tell you. HORACE. No, I--this little dinner of mine hasn't turned out quite as we _expected_, has it? SYLVIA. I don't know what _you_ expected--_I_ thought it was going to be so delightful!... How _could_ you be so foolish? HORACE. You see, dear, you don't understand how it all came about yet. If you'd only let me tell you---- SYLVIA. I think you had much better say no more about it. HORACE. Ah, but I can't! I _must_ get it off my chest. [_Before he can begin the slaves enter once more, and shift the divans on either side to lower and rather more oblique positions, after which the HEAD SLAVE approaches HORACE, and makes signs._] What do you want? SYLVIA. [_Clinging to HORACE._] Oh, don't let him come too near me! HORACE. [_As the CHIEF SLAVE repeats the signs._] He sha'n't, darling--but he's quite friendly. He's only suggesting that we should sit down. [_HORACE and SYLVIA sit on the divan on left. The CHIEF SLAVE turns to PROFESSOR and repeats the gestures._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Puzzled and irritable._] What does he want me to do _now_? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Soothingly._] Why, to sit down, of course, and take your coffee _comfortably_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Appeased._] Oh, is _that_ it? [_Going to divan on right._] I sha'n't be sorry to rest my back against something. [_Sitting._] You'd better sit down yourself, Sophia. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Placidly._] I was going to, Anthony. [_She sits on the PROFESSOR'S left_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Plenty of room for _you_, Pringle. [_PRINGLE seats himself on PROFESSOR'S right._] I think I might feel better after a cup of strong coffee--_Turkish_ coffee--and perhaps a glass of _liqueur_ brandy. [_As the CHIEF SLAVE moves up to the centre arch without paying any attention to him._] As you said, Pringle, the attendance is disgraceful! [_Raising his voice, and calling across to HORACE._] Ventimore, is your--ah--major-domo--going to bring us our coffee and what not _soon_? HORACE. At once, Professor, at _once_! [_He claps his hands, and the CHIEF SLAVE stalks forward majestically._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. And a cigar--a _good_ cigar, if it's not asking too much? HORACE. What _am_ I thinking of? Of course! [_To the CHIEF SLAVE._] Serve coffee at _once_, please. [_The CHIEF SLAVE expresses in pantomime that he fails to understand HORACE'S desires._] I said "Coffee." _You_ know what coffee is! [_Apparently the CHIEF SLAVE does not._] I never saw such a fellow! Well, _cigars_, then! Come, you _must_ know _them_! Things to smoke? [_He imitates the action of smoking. The CHIEF SLAVE seems to take this as a dismissal. He salaams, motions to the other slaves to retire, upon which they all go out, then salaams once more and stalks off._] That beggar must be a born idiot! _I_ can't make him understand. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Drily._] So I perceive. No matter, I must do without my usual after-dinner coffee, that's all! But at least, Ventimore, you _must_ know where to lay your hand on your cigar-box! HORACE. I did--before the place was altered so,--but I'm not sure if----[_He rises._] I'll just go and have a look in my bedroom. [_He crosses and goes out by the lower arch on the right._ PRINGLE. [_To the PROFESSOR._] Seems to me that Oriental hospitality has been rather over-rated! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Gloomily._] Ah! I know I wish I'd ordered our cab for ten o'clock, instead of eleven! Receiving us with all this ostentation, and yet grudging us the most ordinary comforts--I _can't_ understand it! PRINGLE. [_Rising._] It may be his notion of humour. [_As he moves across to_ SYLVIA._] If you and Mrs. Futvoye and Miss Sylvia will only give me the pleasure of dining with me some night at the Holborn,--or rather the Savoy--I would endeavour to wipe out the memory of this evening's sufferings. [_He takes HORACE'S place by SYLVIA'S side._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Whenever you please, my dear Pringle, whenever you please,--and the sooner the better! Sophia! [_He turns to MRS. FUTVOYE, and discovers that she is gently dozing._] Asleep! How she can _do_ it!--but I won't disturb her now. [_To HORACE, who returns from arch down right._] Well? Have you found your cigars? HORACE. [_Standing in centre depressed._] No. There's nothing in there--except that beastly brass bottle. I _am_ so sorry! SYLVIA. [_Rising and going to HORACE._] Horace! It _is_ all over, isn't it? You're _sure_ there's nothing _more_ to come? [_PRINGLE, finding himself deserted, returns to his place on the divan by the PROFESSOR._ HORACE. [_Looking round anxiously._] I--I _hope_ not. No, I think we're all right. We shall have no more trouble now all those black Johnnies have cleared out. [_At this moment there is a confused sound of Oriental instruments outside, with wailing cries. SYLVIA turns from HORACE, and goes back indignantly to the divan on the left. HORACE follows, and sits by her._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Waking up as the music stops._] Dear me! What _is_ that horrible noise? Not cats? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Cats! No,--it's Arab music! [_To HORACE._] So you've a _fresh_ surprise in store for us, eh, sir? HORACE. [_Forlornly._] It--it _does_ sound rather like it, Professor. [_Four negro musicians enter, playing a tom-tom, mandoline, flageolet, and native fiddle respectively, while they chant a weird ditty, and sit cross-legged, right and left of the central arch._ SYLVIA. [_As the music stops._] Horace, this is really _too_ bad of you! You _assured_ me there was nothing more coming! [_She turns her shoulder on him with marked displeasure._ PRINGLE. So you keep a private band, do you, Ventimore? HORACE. No, no,--of course I don't. It--it's only engaged for the evening. PRINGLE. I see. Hired from the Arab encampment at Earl's Court, eh? HORACE. [_Irritated._] You've guessed it first time, Pringle! PRINGLE. That's odd. Because, now I come to think of it, there _isn't_ any Arab encampment there this season. HORACE. Then they come from somewhere else. At all events, they're playing here for nothing. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Ah! They know their own value! MRS. FUTVOYE. Now, Anthony, you're finding fault before they've even _begun_! [_She rises._] That was only _tuning_, of course! [_She passes in front of the MUSICIANS, and then comes down to HORACE._] Can they play _English_ music? _Do_ ask them if they know "The Choristers." HORACE. I'm afraid they're not at all likely to be familiar with it. [_The MUSICIANS begin once more, and MRS. FUTVOYE retreats hastily to the divan, as they sing and play for a few bars in hideous cacophony._ PRINGLE. [_As they stop once more._] Vocal as _well_ as instrumental, eh? Are they going to give us any _more_ little things like that, Ventimore? HORACE. No. Not if I know it! They've _done_ now! [_At this the music starts again, louder and more discordant than ever._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Springing to his feet in a fury, and shouting._] Ventimore! You _must_ put a stop to this abominable din! Do you hear? I can't and won't put up with it! HORACE. [_Rising, and going to the MUSICIANS._] Here, you chaps! Hi! That's enough! [_He claps his hands._] Get out! Get _out_! [_The MUSICIANS seem to treat this as an encouragement, for they play with more vigour than ever; then, as they reach the climax, the music changes to slower strains, in which some sort of air is recognisable, and a troop of ORIENTAL DANCING GIRLS come writhing and posturing in from the arches on right and left of the centre arch. HORACE recoils in horror, and collapses on the divan by SYLVIA'S side._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Making her voice carry above the music._] And do these young persons come from Earl's Court, _too_? HORACE. [_Wildly._] No! Oh, _dear_ no! _They_ come from--from Harrod's. The Entertainment Department, don't you know! [_He sits paralysed as the PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL suddenly floats down from the central arch, and executes a slow and sinuous Oriental dance in the middle of the other performers. The PROFESSOR and his wife exchange scandalised comments, and PRINGLE endeavours to look shocked and grieved._ HORACE. [_As the PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL has glided down opposite him, and stands posturing, with her eyes fixed on his face; to SYLVIA._] I--I don't think she's _bad_. SYLVIA. [_Coldly._] Don't you? I'm perfectly _sure_ she is! HORACE. No, no. She--she's a _lady_ and all that. They _all_ are. Highly respectable girls! They only give their dances at _private_ parties. SYLVIA. I don't think you need have engaged them for _yours_! _Really_, Horace! [_The music stops; all, except the PRINCIPAL DANCER, who remains standing and smiling at HORACE, fall on their hands and faces in a line across the stage._ HORACE. It was a mistake. But I'll get rid of them! [_He rises and goes towards the PRINCIPAL DANCER._] It's charming--charming--but that will _do_, you know. You can go away now. You can _all_ of you go away! [_The PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL, with a swift, sudden movement, throws herself at his feet and embraces his knees; SYLVIA starts up indignantly. The PROFESSOR, MRS. FUTVOYE, and PRINGLE rise also._ PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL. [_In Arabic, in a tone of adoring submission._] Yah Sîdî! Yah noor ainy! Yah nass al Kalbi Sîdî! HORACE. [_To the others._] She is a little hysterical, that's all--the artistic temperament. [_As he succeeds in freeing himself._] I don't know what on earth she's talking about! I _fancy_ she says she's feeling seedy. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Who has come down on the right._] "Sîdî"--as you may well know--is the ordinary Arabic word for "Master," and, if I follow her correctly, she is calling you her Protector, the Light of her Eyes, and the Vital Spirit of her Heart! [_The PRINCIPAL DANCING GIRL has fallen on her hands and face in front of the others._ SYLVIA. Oh! So _this_ is what you were trying to confess to me! HORACE. She's quite _mistaken_, you know. _I'm_ not the light of her eyes, I've never seen her before in all my life! SYLVIA. You think I believe _that_! [_She rushes across to MRS. FUTVOYE._] Oh, mother--mother! HORACE. Professor, _you_ know Arabic. Couldn't you get these people to understand that they aren't wanted? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Coming forward._] I intend to. [_In Arabic._] Eerga dugghery gowan illa bait bettah Harrood! [_As he speaks all the dancing girls raise their heads in horror, then rise screaming and holding their hands to their ears, and rush out through arches, followed by the musicians. The moment they disappear through the arches all is silent._ PRINGLE. [_Coming down to centre._] They weren't long in taking _your_ hint, Professor. What _did_ you say to them? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Rather puzzled._] I merely told them, in the best Arabic I could command, to go back to Harrod's at once. MRS. FUTVOYE. I am quite sure they cannot have come from _Harrod's_! HORACE. You're perfectly right, Mrs. Futvoye. They _didn't_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Advancing to him._] After _that_ admission, you will hardly be surprised if I tell you--as I _do_--that you may consider your engagement to my daughter at an end. HORACE. At an end! Why, what have I _done_? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Done, sir, done? You ask _that_, after grossly insulting my wife and daughter by this--this outrageous exhibition! [_He goes up, followed by PRINGLE._ HORACE. [_Going to MRS. FUTVOYE._] Mrs. Futvoye, _you_ don't misunderstand me, I'm sure? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Icily._] For _once_, I entirely agree with my husband, and I believe Sylvia herself will tell you---- [_She turns, and joins the PROFESSOR on the left._ HORACE. No, she won't? _Will_ you, Sylvia? _You_ won't give me up? SYLVIA. What else _can_ I do? HORACE. What else? Why, trust me, stick to me--in spite of everything and everybody! SYLVIA. After what I've just seen! No, that's _too_ much to expect!--unless, of course, you've some satisfactory explanation? HORACE. Well, I _have_--if you'll all promise to _listen_ to it--you wouldn't when I tried to explain before, you know. Now you _must_ hear me out! [_They all prepare to listen attentively._] It's like this. Sylvia wasn't far wrong about that beastly jar I bought this afternoon--there _was_ a Jinnee inside it. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. ) ) What? How dare you, sir--how _dare_ ) you trifle with us like this? ) ) MRS. FUTVOYE. ) ) Disgraceful! To stand there talking ) such nonsense--at such a time! ) _All_ ) _speaking_ SYLVIA. ) _together._ ) Turning it all into a _joke_! Oh, how ) can you--how _can_ you? ) ) PRINGLE. ) ) Upon my word, Ventimore, you ought ) to be ashamed of yourself! ) HORACE. There you _are_, you see! You _won't_ give me a hearing! I _ought_ to know what was inside the bottle, considering I let it out. Fakrash-el--_what_ did he tell me his name was?--oh, Aamash--Fakrash-el-Aamash. He's a Jinnee. Of the _Green_ Jinn. PRINGLE. Well, _we're_ not Green Jennies! HORACE. [_Losing his temper._] Shut up, Pringle! This is _my_ story--and you'll be good enough to let me finish it. Well, according to old Fakrash, he'd been sealed up in that bottle by Solomon---- PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. What, in the name of common sense, has all this to do with the case? HORACE. I'm coming to that, if you'll only have a little patience. Naturally, he was grateful to me for letting him out, and, in a weak moment, I--I blurted out that you were all coming to dinner here to-night. And what does the old idiot do but transform my rooms into these halls, and provide the whole entertainment himself! And--as might be expected--it was pretty rotten! [_He sinks on the divan on right in despair, as he sees the general incredulity._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Ha! And you seriously expect us to believe this cock-and-bull story as an explanation--unsupported by any kind of proof? HORACE. Not _unsupported_, Professor! How about these halls? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. _They_ are only evidence of your unbridled extravagance, sir! Where is this precious Jinnee you talk about? Produce him--let me see him with my own eyes, and I might--but, bah! you won't venture to accept that challenge, I'm sure of that! [_He crosses to MRS. FUTVOYE and PRINGLE._ HORACE. It's unfortunate--but Fakrash has--er--left the country. I don't expect him back for some time--if at all. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Nor I, sir, nor _I_! Sophia, you and Sylvia had better go to the vestibule and get your things on. MRS. FUTVOYE. I am only too anxious to go. [_To SYLVIA._] Come, darling. [_She moves towards arch on right._ SYLVIA. [_In sudden alarm._] Mother! _Not_ with all those horrid dancing-girls and things! _They're_ in there! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_At arch._] Trust me to deal with _them_! [_She goes out with SYLVIA._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Going up and calling after them._] Make haste, Sophia! We must walk till we get a cab, that's all! HORACE. [_Who has risen._] Professor, don't go yet. I've just remembered. If you'll only wait a moment, I believe I can bring you something to prove I've been telling the simple truth. [_He goes out by lower arch on right._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Approaching PRINGLE._] "Prove he's been telling the truth!" You heard _that_, Pringle? Did you ever hear such bare-faced impudence in all your life? PRINGLE. [_Virtuously._] Never, Professor, never! I _quite_ share your indignation. Perhaps I may be allowed to accompany you? I am going your way. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Do so, Pringle; do so, my dear fellow. As we may have to walk some distance, my daughter will be glad of your escort. [_As MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA appear from arch up right._] Ah, they're ready, I see. Go and get your coat on and bring mine, and we'll leave at once. PRINGLE. [_With alacrity, as he goes up._] By all means, Professor! I won't be a minute. [_He goes out by the arch up right._ HORACE. [_Returning at the same moment from lower arch on right._] I've had a hunt--but I've found it. [_He offers a metal cap to the PROFESSOR._] Now, if you'll only examine _this_, Professor. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. What do you mean by offering me that piece of dirty old metal, sir? Take the thing away! HORACE. It's the cap or stopper that belongs to that brass bottle. And, I don't know, but I rather fancy there's something engraved on it. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Eh, what? [_He takes the cap._] So far as I can tell by feeling it, there _does_ seem to be--but what if there is--what if there _is_? HORACE. Well, it _might_ refer to a Jinnee having been bottled up by Solomon, don't you know. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Bah!--but no matter. [_He slips the cap into his tail-coat pocket._] Whatever it is, I _will_ examine this inscription--after breakfast to-morrow morning. [_Triumphantly._] And I shall _decipher_ it, sir,--you may depend upon that! [_To PRINGLE, who returns with coat and helps him into it._] Thank you, my boy, thank you. Now, Sophia,--if you are ready! MRS. FUTVOYE. I am only waiting for _you_, Anthony. [_Frostily, to HORACE._] Mr. Ventimore, I will wish you good-night. [_She goes out by central arch._ PRINGLE. [_Approaching SYLVIA._] Good-night, Ventimore. Miss Sylvia--[_offering his arm_]--I am to have the privilege of taking care of you. SYLVIA. [_Declining his arm._] Thank you, Mr. Pringle,--but I can quite well take care of myself. [_She turns to HORACE._] Horace, I want to say just this before I go--I _will_ trust you still,--in spite of everything and everybody! HORACE. [_Putting his arm round her._] You little _brick_! And you won't have to go on trusting me _much_ longer! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Interposing and separating them._] That she will not, sir! Let her go! [_HORACE releases SYLVIA, who goes up towards central arch, HORACE attempting to follow her, when he is stopped by the PROFESSOR._] Stay where you are! [_SYLVIA and PRINGLE pass through to the outer hall._ HORACE. Surely I may go as far as the door with her! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_By the central arch._] Not another step, sir! One last word. This precious seal of yours will enable me to expose you as a shameless liar. That is all I have to say. _Good_ evening. [_He goes out. Pause, the front door is heard to slam._ HORACE. [_To himself, in despair._] Gone! She's gone! [_He flings himself down on the divan on the left, with his face to the audience._] The Professor may be right--the seal _mayn't_ be Solomon's! How do _I_ know old Fakrash hasn't been lying? And if he has--well, I'm done for! [_FAKRASH suddenly appears through the hangings, comes down to the divan, and touches HORACE on the shoulder; HORACE starts, then swings round to a sitting posture, facing FAKRASH._] Eh? So you _have_ come back! FAKRASH. [_Benevolently._] May thy head long survive! HORACE. [_Choking with rage._] If you'd only turned up four minutes earlier I could have introduced you to my guests. It's too late _now_! FAKRASH. Thou hast dismissed them already? HORACE. They've gone, anyhow. FAKRASH. [_Beaming._] And were they not astounded by the magnificence of thy dwelling and the liberality of their entertainment? HORACE. Distinctly so. But I warn you--don't you press me on the subject of that entertainment. I can't trust myself to talk about it just yet. FAKRASH. Render me no thanks. HORACE. [_Exasperated._] Thanks! _Thanks!!_ FAKRASH. I perceive that something hath displeased thee. HORACE. [_With an angry laugh._] No, _do_ you? You're getting quite observant! Something jolly well _has_ displeased me. Not so much the banquet--I could pass that--we _did_ pass _most_ of it! [_Rising._] It was what came _after_ the banquet! FAKRASH. After the banquet I provided that a company of houris, lovelier than the full moon and graceful as young gazelles, should dance for the delight of thy guests. [_With uneasiness._] Can I have failed in bringing this to pass? HORACE. [_Bitterly._] Oh, you brought _that_ off all right--the houris _came_! [_With rising resentment._] And what do you think the Chief Gazelle _did_?... Hugged my knees and called me her lord and protector and the light of her eyes! Pretty good that--for a gazelle! FAKRASH. [_With a fatuous smile of approval._] Excellent indeed! HORACE. [_Turning on him._] Perhaps, when I tell you that the company included the young lady I was engaged to marry--_and_ her father and mother, and that they put the most unfavourable construction on the houri's behaviour, it _may_ begin to dawn, even on _you_, that you might have been more tactful! I've _lost_ Sylvia now--and all through you and your confounded gazelle! FAKRASH. [_Pulling his beard, and appearing slightly disconcerted._] Verily thy fortune is unlucky! But dismiss uneasiness, for to remedy this mischance will be the simplest thing possible. HORACE. [_More mildly._] Oh, if you'll do _that_! But how? FAKRASH. [_Standing in centre of hall._] By procuring thee another bride of far greater beauty and accomplishments. HORACE. [_Striding past him in a fury._] _Another!_ You--you _hopeless_ old ass! _Can't_ you understand? FAKRASH. [_Seizing his arm, and bringing him down the stage._] Wait! Thou hast not yet heard the list of her perfections. A forehead shall she have like the gleaming dome of a temple, eyes like unto blazing lamps, a nose that shineth brighter than a sword, teeth resembling pearls strung on native gold, a bosom---- HORACE. Stop, I tell you! I don't _want_ her--I won't _have_ her! I want Sylvia, and I'll marry nobody else! Just get _that_ into your muddled old head, will you! If you can't pull me out of this mess you've got me into, why the deuce have you come back at all? [_He sits on the divan on left._ FAKRASH. I am returned to impart unto thee wondrous intelligence. HORACE. Oh? Well, fire away. Take a cushion. [_Flinging him one from the divan._ FAKRASH. [_Squatting on cushion._] Hearken! During my wanderings I have learnt that, beyond all doubt, Suleymán, the son of Dáood, sleeps with his fathers! HORACE. As a matter of fact, he's been doing that for about three thousand years. FAKRASH. Sayest thou so? Then--[_cunningly_]--tell me. Doth there still remain any one of Suleymán's seed that exerciseth his authority over them of the Jinn? HORACE. No. As soon as you've made things right for _me_, you can go off to your own country and settle down comfortably--there's no power on earth that can interfere with you. FAKRASH. Then--before I do thee any further service--bring hither the stopper wherewith my bottle was sealed. HORACE. [_Uneasily._] The--the stopper? Oh, nonsense! You can't want that _now_! What for? As a _souvenir_? FAKRASH. Nay, but because in all likelihood it is engraven with the mighty seal of Suleymán. HORACE. [_Rising excitedly._] I say! Are you _sure_ of that? FAKRASH. So it was customary with such vessels. And, bearing such a seal, I shall possess a mighty talisman. [_Rising from his cushion._] Wherefore deliver it into my hands without delay, and I will reward thee by accomplishing all thy desires. HORACE. [_In extreme embarrassment._] I--I'd be only too happy to oblige you--if I could. But--well, the fact is, I've just parted with it. FAKRASH. [_Advancing on him in sudden fury._] _Parted_ with it! With my seal! O thou of little sense! To whom? To _whom_, I say? HORACE. To the father of the lady I was engaged to. He's a learned man, you see, and I knew, if there _was_ anything engraved on the seal, he'd be able to make it out. FAKRASH. [_Striding up and down the hall, and brandishing his arms._] Perdition seize thee! For he will assuredly refuse to surrender such a talisman! Woe to me, for I am undone! Undone! Undone! HORACE. Don't talk rot! You _aren't_ undone--and nobody wants to undo you! [_FAKRASH utters wild cries._] Don't go howling about like that--sit down again and be sensible. FAKRASH. [_Halting opposite HORACE, with a menacing gesture._] Take heed to thyself! For if thou dost not restore my seal immediately----! HORACE. [_Facing him composedly._] It's no good trying to bully _me_, you know. _I'm_ not afraid of you. You sit down and be civil, and promise to do exactly as I tell you--or I'm hanged if I help you to get your seal back. FAKRASH. [_With sudden self-restraint._] My son, it was naught! Am I not thy servant? On the head and eye be all thy commands! [_He sits down on the cushion._ HORACE. Ah, that's better! [_He goes to the divan and gets himself a cushion, then sits facing FAKRASH._] Now I'll tell you an idea that's just struck me--the Professor said himself that nothing would convince him but seeing you with his own eyes. Well--why shouldn't you _go_ to him? FAKRASH. [_Eagerly._] Tell me where he hath his abode, and I will visit him this same instant. [_About to rise._ HORACE. [_Stopping him._] No, you don't! Just when he'll be turning in! You'll go about ten o'clock to-morrow morning, when he's had his breakfast--or you won't go at all! FAKRASH. Be it so! I will restrain my impatience until the morrow. But the place of his dwelling? HORACE. Wait a bit. I won't have him rattled. [_FAKRASH looks puzzled._] I mean, no popping up through the floor or down the chimney. You'll just walk quietly up to his front door, and ask to see him. Then you can explain who you are and what you want, and, if you're decently polite, I'm sure the Professor will give you back your property. FAKRASH. All these instructions will I observe. HORACE. But you can't go in _that_ get-up, or you'll have a crowd of small boys at your heels. Couldn't you raise the sort of costume respectable elderly gentlemen go about in nowadays? FAKRASH. I hear and obey. To assume such garb as is worn by aged dwellers in this city will be the simplest affair possible! HORACE. All right, then. And you must go to No. 47 Cottesmore Gardens, Kensington, and ask whoever lets you in if you may see Professor Futvoye. Think you can remember all that? FAKRASH. [_Rising._] Indelibly is it inscribed upon the tablet of memory. To-morrow, then, at the appointed hour, will I repair to the abode of this sage. HORACE. [_Who has risen at the same time as FAKRASH, and thrown the cushions back on the divan._] Good! And you'd better come on to me afterwards and let me know how you got on. Not _here_--at my office, Great College Street, Westminster. Got _that_ down on your tablet? FAKRASH. It is done. And now, O young man of abundant talents and obliging disposition, I will take my leave of thee. [_Going to centre of hall._] For I must seek my Palace in the Garden of Irem and repose myself until it be day. But--[_turning_]--ere I depart, tell me by what service I can reward thy kindness? HORACE. Well,--if you _really_ want to do me a good turn,--you might change these halls again. FAKRASH. What? Are they insufficient for thy dignity? HORACE. No, no--they're much too grand! I--I want my old rooms back! FAKRASH. [_Pained._] Of what avail is it to confer favours upon _thee_, since thou rejectest them every one! HORACE. [_Approaching him, and speaking soothingly._] No, not every one. There was old Wackerbath--the client you sent me--I haven't rejected _him_. I'm going to build him a country-house. FAKRASH. Ha! And on what spot is this mansion to be erected? HORACE. Oh, he seems to have got an excellent site--on a hill near Lipsfield, between Hampshire and Surrey. FAKRASH. [_Touching his own brow._] It is on the tablet! And have no anxiety,--for the palace that will arise shall assuredly be the wonder of the universe! HORACE. Very kind of you to say so--when I haven't even begun to work at it yet. And now--about these halls? [_Persuasively._] You _will_ turn 'em back into my old rooms, won't you? You're such a deuced clever old Johnny--I mean, _Jinnee_! FAKRASH. Into the mean habitation in which I found thee? Far be this action from me! HORACE. [_Impatiently._] Oh, I'm sick of _arguing_ with you--I _command_ you. On the head and on the eye! RAPKIN'S VOICE. [_From the outer hall._] Mr. Ventimore! I want a _word_ with you! HORACE. [_To FAKRASH, quickly._] You hear? That's my landlord,--it's _his_ house, not mine. Just you change it--quick--before he comes in! FAKRASH. [_Standing in centre._] Since thou insisteth. And be of light heart, for by to-morrow all thine affairs will prosper exceedingly! [_He waves his hand; there is a sudden and complete darkness for a few seconds, with the sounds of rumbling and rushing wind as before. Above this the RAPKINS' voices are heard._ RAPKIN'S VOICE. Turned off the lights, 'as he? But _I'll_ talk to 'im when I _see_ 'im! MRS. RAPKIN'S VOICE. Don't let go of my 'and, Rapkin! I _know_ there's some o' them nasty niggers about! RAPKIN'S VOICE. 'Im and his bloomin' niggers and Arabian 'alls! [_Bawling._] Mr. Ventimore! You _'ear_ me! [_The stage has been growing gradually lighter, and MR. and MRS. RAPKIN are seen standing together in the room in which the play opened._ HORACE. [_Appearing at bedroom door on right, in smoking suit, holding candle._] Perfectly. [_Blandly._] Anything the _matter_, Rapkin? RAPKIN. [_Looking round open-mouthed, and blinking in bewilderment._] Matter, sir? No, sir. Nothink, sir. Not _now_, sir! HORACE. [_Sweetly._] Glad to hear it. You'll be all right in the morning. Hot water at the usual time, please. _Good_ night! [_He goes into his bedroom, leaving the stage in darkness again as the curtain falls._ END OF THE SECOND ACT. THE THIRD ACT SCENE I _The scene represents HORACE'S _office in Great College Street._ _It is a small room, panelled in dark oak. On the left is an old mantelpiece in white and yellow marble. Beyond the fireplace is a door communicating with PRINGLE'S _office. On the right is a recessed window, through which the top of an old grey wall with chevaux-de-frise and foliage above can be seen. At the back, on the right, is a door leading to the staircase. On the left of this door, an architect's cabinet, with narrow drawers for plans, &c. On the walls are plans and architectural drawings, a T-square or two, an office calendar, and sections of mouldings, sundry cards of tiling, ornamental fittings, &c., sent out by firms as advertisements to architects. On the right, by the window, is an architect's drawing-table, with a sheet of drawing-paper, tracing-paper, saucers of colour, and other usual requisites of an architect._ _The time is 11.30 on the morning after the preceding acts._ _As the curtain rises, the Westminster Clock-tower chimes the half-hour._ HORACE is drawing at the table on right._ HORACE. [_To himself, looking at watch._] Half-past eleven already!--and I haven't heard from _either_ of them yet! [_With some anxiety._] Very odd! Can anything have----? [_There is a knock at the door on the left. HORACE turns with a slight start as PRINGLE enters._] Oh, it's you, Pringle! [_After a pause._] None the worse after last night, I hope? PRINGLE. [_Very solemnly._] I am feeling no ill-effects at _present_. [_Coming to centre of room._] Can I have a few words with you? HORACE. [_Going on designing._] Well, only a _very_ few. We may be interrupted at any moment. I've appointments with _two_ people this morning. Looks as if they'd _both_ overslept themselves. PRINGLE. [_Gravely, as he plants himself with his back to the fireplace._] I shall not detain you long. I merely wish to explain my position. When I accepted your invitation last night, I did so with the loyal intention of resigning myself, as cheerfully as possible, to your engagement to Miss Futvoye---- HORACE. [_Wheeling his chair round so as to face him._] Instead of which you put a spoke in my wheel whenever you got the chance! Not behaving quite decently, _was_ it? PRINGLE. [_Stiffly._] After last night, I cannot consider _you_ as an authority on _decency_. HORACE. Don't rub it in, Pringle! PRINGLE. As I was saying, I came prepared to leave the field to you--for I am not the sort of man to unsettle any girl's affections---- HORACE. That's your modesty, Pringle! You don't realise how dangerous you _are_! PRINGLE. [_Ignoring this._] I was going to say--so long as she continues engaged to _another_. But if Miss Sylvia doesn't recognise yet that you are utterly unworthy of her, she very soon _will_. Then _my_ chance will come--and I've every intention of taking it. HORACE. Sorry to discourage you, my dear Pringle--but your chance hasn't come yet, and it's not over likely to come at all. [_He turns to his work again._ PRINGLE. She'll never marry you without her father's consent--and if you'd heard him last night in the cab----! HORACE. [_Easily._] I daresay. But he'll be very different this morning. PRINGLE. [_Who has come nearer to him._] Why, you're not trusting to that trumpery seal of yours to convince him? HORACE. No. I'm trusting to something--or rather somebody--[_turning to him_]--who will be more convincing than any seal. PRINGLE. It will take a good deal to reconcile him, or any of them, to such an extremely--er--Oriental interior as you rejoice in. HORACE. The Oriental interior has gone, Pringle,--vanished into space! PRINGLE. Nonsense! How could solidly constructed halls like those vanish in a night? HORACE. I don't pretend to know _how_--but they _have_, and that's enough for _me_! [_He returns to his drawing._ PRINGLE. [_Going back to fireplace._] And this client of yours--has _he_ vanished, too? HORACE. Old Wackerbath? Oh, no; he's much too solid to vanish--he's only a trifle late! PRINGLE. I shouldn't make too sure of him. HORACE. [_Listening._] I fancy he's coming upstairs now. [_Rises and goes to door at back, then stops with a sudden recollection._] Unless it's the _other_ one! PRINGLE. The _other_ one? So you've _two_ clients! HORACE. No, only one. The other--isn't a client. [_Half to himself, as he comes down._] Awkward if they happened to _meet_! I never thought of that! [_There is a loud knock at the door to staircase._] Well, here's _one_ of 'em, anyhow! Come in! [_MR. WACKERBATH opens the door, and stands on the threshold, breathing hard, and purple and speechless with rage. HORACE goes towards him._] It _is_ Mr. Wackerbath! How do you do? [_Pleasantly._] I was beginning to be afraid----[_He notices MR. WACKERBATH'S expression._] Eh? Has anything happened? MR. WACKERBATH. Happened, sir? Yes, something _has_ happened! Which you'll be good enough to explain--if you _can_! HORACE. Oh? [_Turning to PRINGLE._] Perhaps, Pringle, if you wouldn't mind----? PRINGLE. [_Moving to the door on the left._] Oh, by all means! MR. WACKERBATH. [_To PRINGLE._] Stop, sir! Don't you run away! For all _I_ know, _you_ may have had a hand in this disgraceful business! PRINGLE. [_With dignity._] I occupy the adjoining office, sir, and I am in practice as an architect. But I have no business connection with Mr. Ventimore--none whatever. [_Offering to go._ MR. WACKERBATH. You will oblige me by staying. I should like your opinion--as an architect--on the way I've been treated. [_He puts down his hat on the cabinet by the door._ PRINGLE. Oh, if Mr. Ventimore has no objection---- HORACE. Well--oh, stay if you think proper. [_To MR. WACKERBATH, offering armchair on left of table._] Now, sir; if you'll sit down and compose yourself---- MR. WACKERBATH. I will _not_ sit down, sir, and I find it difficult to compose myself. You know very well _why_! HORACE. I don't, indeed. Unless--unless you've discovered the--the means by which you were induced to come to me yesterday. But, after all, there's no great _harm_ done. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Bursting with rage._] No great harm! You can stand there and tell me _that_! HORACE. [_Calmly._] Certainly. If you prefer to go to some other architect, you're perfectly free to do so. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Frantically._] Free! _Free!!_ When the damned house is _built_! HORACE AND PRINGLE. [_Together, each starting back._] Built? MR. WACKERBATH. Built, sir, built! When my wife and I saw it on our way to the station this morning, we could hardly believe our eyes. But my coachman--who's not given to imagination--saw it as plain as we did. [_HORACE hears all this with stupefaction at first, and then with growing comprehension._] And, considering I only gave you the commission yesterday afternoon, I should like to know how the devil you managed to put up such a place in the time? PRINGLE. My dear sir, as a professional man, let me assure you it would be impossible--quite impossible. It must have been due to some effect of mirage. MR. WACKERBATH. Mirage, indeed! We got out of the carriage and climbed the slope and went all over the building! Are you going to tell me we've been all over a _mirage_? HORACE. [_Half to himself._] Oh, the blithering old idiot! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Turning on him suddenly._] Are you addressing _me_, sir? HORACE. No, no; not _you_! Of course not. [_With a groan._] I told him, like a fool, where the site was--and he's done the rest during the night! [_The door at the back flies open, and FAKRASH appears. He is wearing a very tall hat with a wide flat brim, a frock-coat, baggy shepherd's plaid trousers fitting tightly over his ankles, and Oriental shoes._ FAKRASH. Greeting to ye, O company! [_MR. WACKERBATH and PRINGLE turn in surprise._ HORACE. [_Sinking helplessly into his chair; half to himself._] It's with _you_, partner! [_In an undertone to FAKRASH._] Take off your hat! [_FAKRASH removes his tall hat with both hands, and places it on the top of MR. WACKERBATH'S hat. MR. WACKERBATH, annoyed, goes to cabinet and removes his own hat._ FAKRASH. [_To MR. WACKERBATH._] If I mistake not, thou art the wealthy merchant for whom this my son hath undertaken to erect a mansion? MR. WACKERBATH. I am, sir. And you, I presume, are Mr. Ventimore, senior? HORACE. No, he isn't--he's no relation of _mine_! FAKRASH. [_To MR. WACKERBATH, proudly._] Is he not an architect of divine skill, and hath he not built thee a palace that might cause even the gall of a Sultan to burst with envy? MR. WACKERBATH. It very nearly made _me_ burst, sir, I can tell you that! FAKRASH. I marvel not, for verily it is a lordly dwelling for such as thou. MR. WACKERBATH. "Lordly!" _You_ can call it what you like. _I_ call it a tom-fool cross between the Brighton Pavilion and the Palm-house at Kew! No billiard-room--and not a sign of any drainage system! And you have the brass--the--the unblushing effrontery to expect me to accept it as a first-class country-house with every modern convenience! PRINGLE. I _must_ say that, in all my professional experience, I _never_---- HORACE. [_Rising and approaching MR. WACKERBATH._] I'd better explain, Mr. Wackerbath. It seems that my old--er--friend here has, with the mistaken notion that he was helping me, built this palace for you himself. I haven't _seen_ it--but, from what I know of his talents in that line, it can't be half a bad sort of place--in its way. And, anyhow, I shouldn't dream of making any charge under the circumstances. We make you a _present_ of it--perhaps you didn't understand _that_? So, surely you will accept it in the--the spirit in which it was intended, what? MR. WACKERBATH. _Accept_ it! See the finest position in the neighbourhood occupied by a jerry-built Moorish nightmare? Be the laughing-stock of the whole county? They'd call it "Wackerbath's Folly"! I won't have it on _my_ land a day longer than I can help! I'll go to law, sir, and _compel_ you and your officious partner here to pull the thing down! I--I'll fight the case as long as I can stand! FAKRASH. [_Who has been regarding him through this speech with glowering eyes._] "As long as thou canst stand"? That will be for no long period, O thou litigious one! [_He points at him with his forefinger._] On all fours--[_MR. WACKERBATH starts in speechless indignation, and bends slightly forward_]--thankless dog that thou art, and crawl henceforth for the remainder of thy days! MR. WACKERBATH. How _dare_ you address me in that way, sir! How----[_He suddenly drops forward on his hands._] I will _not_ go down on all fours! Do you hear, sir? I will not! PRINGLE. [_Horrified._] But--Great Heavens, sir, you _are_ on all fours! HORACE. [_Seizing FAKRASH'S arm._] Now, Fakrash--just you stop this! FAKRASH. [_Shaking HORACE off._] Let me be! [_To MR. WACKERBATH._] Begone, O contemptible of aspect! To thy kennel! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Almost whining, as he crawls distractedly about on all fours._] I can't! I won't! I _can't_ cross Westminster Bridge like this! What will the officials think at Waterloo, where I've been known and respected for years? How am I to face my wife and family in--in my present position? I _insist_ on getting up! PRINGLE. Then, my dear sir, why _don't_ you? Why _humour_ him? MR. WACKERBATH. Why, why? Because I can't _help_ myself! Damn it, sir, do you suppose I'm doing this for my own amusement? [_To FAKRASH._] Here, turn off your will-power, or whatever it is, and let me up! _Do_ let me up! HORACE. [_In disgust._] I'll not _have_ it, Fakrash! Let him up at once! FAKRASH. Far be this action from me! This son of a burnt dog hath dared to disdain a palace--therefore let his abode be in the dust for evermore! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Crawling to HORACE._] You--you _quite_ misunderstood me--I haven't a _word_ to say against the palace. It's the very place I _wanted_! [_Crawling up to FAKRASH._] If--if you'll only let me up, I--I'll _live_ in it--'pon my honour I will! HORACE. [_With authority, to FAKRASH._] Let this unfortunate gentleman up, will you! I _command_ you. Both on the head and eye! FAKRASH. [_Sullenly, to HORACE._] But for the magnitude of thy services----! Be it as thou wilt. [_He extends his arm over MR. WACKERBATH._] Rise! [_MR. WACKERBATH rises and drops into chair by table, exhausted._] Depart, and show us the breadth of thy shoulders. [_MR. WACKERBATH gets up, puffing, and backs to the door._ HORACE. [_Going towards him with concern._] My dear sir, you _must_ believe _I've_ had no share in this! I--I really don't know how to apologise---- MR. WACKERBATH. [_With his eyes on FAKRASH._] Don't mention it, sir, _pray_ don't mention it. I am perfectly satisfied--_perfectly_! HORACE. You _shall_ be, very soon. Fakrash, clear that palace away at once. Sharp, now! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Nervously, to FAKRASH._] No, no, I couldn't think of troubling you. I--I couldn't _wish_ for a more delightful residential mansion, I assure you! HORACE. [_Coming to FAKRASH._] I've told you to obliterate that palace, Fakrash. Am I to tell you _twice_? FAKRASH. Hath not this overfed father of dogs--[_MR. WACKERBATH starts, but controls his resentment immediately_]--expressed his satisfaction with it? HORACE. It won't do, Fakrash! Do as you're told--and be quick about it. FAKRASH. Verily such a palace would but be defiled by his presence--therefore let it be annihilated. [_He stalks to the window, which flies open at a wave of his hand, after which he faces it and mutters an incantation._] Pfpht! [_All start._] It is accomplished. Of the palace and all the splendours therein there remaineth not a trace! HORACE. [_Going up to MR. WACKERBATH._] Mr. Wackerbath, you will find on your return that that _is_ so. I've only to apologise once more for all the--er--inconvenience you've been put to. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Near the door._] Not at all--not at all, I assure you. [_Turning to_ FAKRASH._] I haven't quite caught your name, my dear sir, but you must allow me to thank you for the--ah--very handsome manner in which you have met me. FAKRASH. [_With a menacing movement._] Begone, I say! [_MR. WACKERBATH snatches his hat from cabinet._] Or thou mayst find thyself in some yet _more_ unfortunate predicament. MR. WACKERBATH. [_At the door._] Quite so--quite so! Er--delightful weather, isn't it? [_Opening door._] Good morning, gentlemen. [_FAKRASH makes another movement._] Good morning. [_He goes out hurriedly._ [_FAKRASH turns to the window and stands there with folded arms, looking out in sombre abstraction. PRINGLE and HORACE are on the other side of the room._ PRINGLE. [_Going towards the door to his office, and lowering his voice._] I don't think you'll see any more of Mr. Wackerbath after _this_. HORACE. [_In an undertone._] No, I've lost _him_--thanks to that old busybody over there. He's done _my_ business! PRINGLE. It serves you right for having him about. Where on earth did you pick him up? Who _is_ he? HORACE. Surely you don't need to be told! Why, he's the old Jinnee who was inside the bottle. PRINGLE. Rats!--excuse the vulgarity! HORACE. Hang it! You _must_ have noticed _something_ queer about him! PRINGLE. I _have_--and if _he's_ the person you're relying on to remove the Professor's objections, I think the old gentleman should be warned against seeing him. [_He goes into his office and shuts the door; HORACE returns to table, takes up the sheet on which he had been working, crumples it up, and flings it away._ FAKRASH. [_Turns from window to HORACE._] Receive news! Henceforth I shall cease to busy myself about thine affairs. HORACE. [_Sardonically._] That's the best news I've heard from you--so far. FAKRASH. [_Gloomily._] Uneasiness hath entered into my heart and I am sore troubled. HORACE. So you _ought_ to be after your latest performance. I suppose you know you've wrecked my chances as an architect? But never mind that now--have you found time to look up the Professor yet? FAKRASH. I have but lately parted from him. [_He comes to fireplace._ HORACE. And you went to Cottesmore Gardens in _that_ kit? [_Amused in spite of himself._] If you could only _see_ yourself! FAKRASH. Didst thou not order me to assume such apparel as is worn in this city? HORACE. I didn't say on the 5th of November! However, you _saw_ him. Did you get your seal back? FAKRASH. Nay, for the sage protested that he had mislaid it! HORACE. Oh, well, never mind--it'll turn up in time. What I _really_ want to know is whether you convinced him that you'd come out of the brass bottle? FAKRASH. [_Sombrely._] As to that I can tell thee naught. On hearing that I came from thee, he reviled me as a person of no reputation, and threatened to summon a certain constable and have me delivered into custody. Whereupon I took measures--[_he smiles cunningly_]--to ensure his silence. HORACE. [_Falling back in his chair in sudden terror._] His--_silence_! You--you old _devil_! You--you've not--_killed_ him! FAKRASH. Nay, nay, I have not so much as harmed a hair of his head. HORACE. [_Rising._] Phew! What a fright you gave me! [_Moving towards fireplace, then turning._] But you've been up to _some_ devilry or other--I'm sure of it. What _have_ you done to him? Out with it! FAKRASH. [_Going up towards door._] It was necessary for my security to--[_at door_]--transform him into a one-eyed mule. HORACE. [_Petrified with horror._] A one-eyed _what_! FAKRASH. [_Walks through the door, then turns, remaining visible through the door panels._] A one-eyed mule of hideous appearance. Farewell to thee. [_He disappears; HORACE seizes his hat and rushes madly out as the curtain falls._ END OF THE FIRST SCENE OF THE THIRD ACT. SCENE II _The scene represents the drawing-room at 47 Cottesmore Gardens, Kensington._ _It is a pleasant room, tastefully furnished. On the left a recessed fireplace, in which are ferns; on the mantelpiece are some large blue and white beakers and vases. On the right a bay-window and window-seat. The windows are wide open, showing window-boxes filled with scarlet geraniums and marguerites, and a quiet street with detached houses. At the back, on the right, is a door opening on the hall. To the left of this door are sliding-doors shutting off the PROFESSOR'S _study. In front of these sliding-doors is a long high backed sofa, completely covered in chintz, the flounce of which touches the floor. At the rising of the curtain these doors are closed. Behind them are curtains. Near the fireplace are an armchair and a small table. Against the wall, below the fireplace, is a cabinet. Between the sliding-doors and the door to the hall is another cabinet with door, which, when opened, shows shelves filled with ancient pottery. Above the bay-window is a bureau. Below it are a sofa and a small table._ _As the curtain rises MRS. FUTVOYE _is seen seated in chair by the fireplace, trying to do some embroidery, though her thoughts are evidently elsewhere. From behind the sliding-doors proceed sounds as of some animal kicking and plunging._ SYLVIA'S voice is then heard crying_: "Father, please don't!" [_A succession of dull thuds as of battering hoofs._] "Oh, _do_ take care!" MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Lays down her work, rises, goes to the sliding-doors, and knocks._] Anthony! _Don't_ go on like that, for goodness' sake! You _must_ try and control yourself! Just _think_, if the _servants_ heard you! [_JESSIE, a neat parlour-maid in morning costume, pink print, cap, and apron, enters from hall; MRS. FUTVOYE hurriedly leaves the sofa by the sliding-doors, goes back to her chair, and takes up her work with an elaborate assumption of perfect calm._] What is it, Jessie? I haven't rung. JESSIE. I know, madam. But there's such a noise in the master's study I was afraid something had happened. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Severely._] Then it was very _foolish_ of you. What _should_ have happened? If you heard _anything_, it probably came from next door. [_Sounds of stamping from within sliding-doors, and then a noise as if some piece of furniture had been overturned._ JESSIE. There it is _again_, madam! And it _does_ seem to come from the study! [_Sounds as before, rather louder._ MRS. FUTVOYE. Oh, _that_? That's nothing, nothing! The Professor is merely shifting some of the furniture. JESSIE. [_Evidently devoured by curiosity._] Won't he find it too much for him, madam? Perhaps I might be able to help. [_She makes a movement towards the sliding-doors._ MRS. FUTVOYE. You're not to go in there! You know your master allows _nobody_ to touch his things. I can't have him disturbed. [_More stamping and banging--then a crash of broken glass._ JESSIE. He seems to be disturbing of _himself_, madam--just had an accident with something. Hadn't I better go in and clear it up? [_She again makes a movement towards the sliding-doors._ MRS. FUTVOYE. Certainly not! Leave the room and attend to your work. [_The front door bell rings._] Good gracious! the visitors' bell! Jessie, I'm not at home! _Nobody_ is at home! _Whoever_ it is, mind! JESSIE. [_Who has gone to the door leading to the hall and opened it, turns to MRS. FUTVOYE._] I forgot to mention it, madam, but after that foreign gentleman called to see the master this morning, I found there's something wrong with the catch of the front door--leastways, I can't get it to shut, do what I will. [_PRINGLE comes in through the door which JESSIE is holding open._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Rises and makes a step forward._] Mr. Pringle! You can go, Jessie. [_JESSIE goes out with an air of baffled curiosity._ PRINGLE. [_Shaking hands with MRS. FUTVOYE._] Pray excuse my coming in unannounced--but it's rather urgent. MRS. FUTVOYE. How do you do, Mr. Pringle? [_Indicating the sofa below the window._] Do sit down. PRINGLE. I feel reassured already. I had a dreadful apprehension that I might come _too late_. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_With a pathetic attempt to maintain appearances._] Half past twelve is surely _quite_ early enough. Not that I am anything but delighted to see _you_, at _any_ time. PRINGLE. You are very kind. [_He sits down._] But--to be quite frank--I called to see the Professor. Could I have a word or two with him at once? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Who has taken a chair near the sofa._] I'm _so_ sorry--but that's really impossible just now. PRINGLE. Indeed? I trust he is not unwell--after last night? MRS. FUTVOYE. N--not _unwell_ exactly. But--not _quite_ his usual self. [_More noise from study, and SYLVIA'S voice heard exclaiming:_ "Papa! Papa!" PRINGLE. [_Looking round._] He seems to be in his study,--and I thought I heard Miss Sylvia's voice. MRS. FUTVOYE. Yes--yes--he--he's particularly busy this morning. [_Increased noise._ PRINGLE. [_Puzzled._] So it appears. But--[_rising_]--I wouldn't interrupt him for long, and it really is _most_ important. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Rising in agitation._] I do assure you he can see _nobody_ at present. [_She seats herself, persuading him to sit down also._ PRINGLE. But, Mrs. Futvoye,--if you knew what I have discovered----! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Rising again._] Discovered! PRINGLE. About Ventimore. I want to put the Professor on his guard against receiving any--er--emissary from him. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Slightly relieved._] Oh, he's not likely to do _that_--he has _much_ more important matters to think about! [_The noise is renewed; stamping, plunging, overturned chairs._ PRINGLE. Just so. Then--if I might speak to Miss Sylvia? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Hastily._] _She_ is very busy too, helping my husband. [_Here the noise reaches its finale in a resounding crash and clatter of falling furniture and shivered glass; MRS. FUTVOYE proceeds without appearing to have noticed it._] He--he sometimes makes use of her as--as his amanuensis. [_The sliding-doors are suddenly run back, and SYLVIA appears. She does not see PRINGLE, who has risen and moved to the right, from which position he can see into the study. MRS. FUTVOYE makes a movement towards her to check any disclosures._ SYLVIA. [_In despair._] Oh, Mother! Mother! You _must_ come to father! He's kicking worse than ever, and I can't manage him any longer! PRINGLE. [_To himself, recoiling, after a glance through the sliding-doors, off._] My _hat_! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Warningly, as SYLVIA carefully closes sliding-doors, pushes the sofa aside, and comes down._] Sylvia! Don't you see Mr. Pringle? SYLVIA. [_Turning and starting._] Oh! What _have_ I said? MRS. FUTVOYE. Nothing, my dear. [_Turning to PRINGLE._] I must ask you to excuse me, Mr. Pringle. My husband is a little irritable this morning. [_Going up to sliding-doors._] A sharp attack of--of gout. In both legs, you know! [_She slips in behind the long sofa, pushes back doors, draws the curtains behind them._] Anthony, you must _not_ excite yourself like this. [_She goes into study, closing the sliding-doors after her. A slight pause. SYLVIA pushes the sofa back against the sliding-doors and seats herself on it._ PRINGLE. [_Approaching the sofa, with sympathy._] I really had no idea your father was--was as bad as all _this_. SYLVIA. [_On her guard._] People _do_ kick, Mr. Pringle, when they have gout--in both legs. PRINGLE. _Do_ they? I should hardly have thought--particularly--[_with meaning_]--if they've gout in--all four. SYLVIA. [_Shrinking back._] "All four!" Then--you _know_! PRINGLE. Pardon me--but I couldn't help catching a glimpse just now--through these doors. SYLVIA. A glimpse? What did you--_suppose_ you saw? PRINGLE. I had an impression--of course I may be quite wrong!--that any one who didn't _know_ your father might almost mistake him, at first sight, for--I am trying to put it as delicately as I can--for some kind of--er--_quadruped_. [_He sits on sofa beside her._ SYLVIA. You mean a _mule_! [_She rises in tears, and crosses to the mantelpiece._] I think I could have borne it better if he'd only been a _nice_ mule. B--but--[_breaking down_]--he _isn't_! PRINGLE. [_Rising and going towards her._] You don't say so! [_Sympathetically._] That, of course, must make it all the harder for you. SYLVIA. [_Tearfully._] His temper is simply _fearful_! Why, just now, when I said he must try to manage some oats or a carrot for lunch, he--he lashed out and sent his hoofs through the mummy-case! PRINGLE. Dear--dear! Perhaps if you could persuade him to see a vet----[_Correcting himself._] I mean a _doctor_---- SYLVIA. [_Crossing towards sofa on right._] It would be no use--he never _will_ take medicine! And what are we to _do_ with him? It's too dreadful to think that he may have to be sent to--to a Home of Rest for Horses! [_She sinks on sofa, and bursts into tears once more._ PRINGLE. [_Following her._] He never _was_ what you might call a "horsey" man--let us hope he won't come to _that_! Have you any idea how he came to be--er--affected like this? SYLVIA. [_Resentfully, through her tears._] There's no _affectation_ about it, Mr. Pringle--oh, you mean "afflicted"--we can't _think_. He wasn't as bright as usual at breakfast--I think he was rather worried because he couldn't find that seal Horace lent him last night---- PRINGLE. But no amount of _worry_----! Pardon me, I interrupt you. [_He takes a chair by the sofa._ SYLVIA. Well; then Jessie came in to say that a foreign gentleman had called to see him on important business. Father told her to show him into the study, and went in presently to hear what he came about. We heard them arguing, and father's voice seemed to be getting angry, so mother went in to beg him not to excite himself. She found father alone, and--just as she opened the door--he--he changed into a mule before her eyes. [_She breaks down entirely._ PRINGLE. Really? It--it must have upset her considerably. SYLVIA. It _did_. But, luckily, mother never loses her head. She locked the study doors at once, and we shut these, and I don't _think_ the servants suspect anything at present. But they're sure to find out before long. PRINGLE. Yes. I'm afraid it's bound to leak out. SYLVIA. But how could this horrible thing have happened? PRINGLE. [_Solemnly._] My dear Miss Sylvia, let me remind you that "there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in----" SYLVIA. [_Petulantly._] Oh, don't quote that _now_, Mr. Pringle! It _is_ so stale! PRINGLE. [_With wounded dignity._] It may be stale--but it's Shakespeare! And I can only conclude that--even in the twentieth century--magic is not the lost art I had always imagined it. SYLVIA. [_Turning to him with more interest._] Then _you_ believe now that Horace _did_ find a Jinnee in that brass bottle? PRINGLE. [_Rising._] No, no. I don't go as far as _that_. SYLVIA. How far _do_ you go? PRINGLE. Well, I know that Ventimore is associated with an elderly Oriental who possesses extraordinary will-power. This very morning, in Ventimore's own office, they played a highly unprofessional and discreditable trick between them on your own godfather, Mr. Wackerbath. SYLVIA. On godfather! No, no, I'm sure Horace had nothing to do with _that_! PRINGLE. I was _there_--and he evidently had a great _deal_ to do with it. I thought at the time it was hypnotism--but it's clear enough _now_ that this confederate of Ventimore's is a powerful and most unscrupulous magician. SYLVIA. [_Springing up indignantly, and crossing to fireplace._] I won't hear any more! You're trying to make me doubt Horace again--but you can't! you _can't_! I _know_ he'd never send a magician to hurt father! [_As HORACE enters from the hall, looking pale and wild._] Ah! Horace, you needn't tell me! _You_ at least have no share in what has happened! HORACE. [_Going to her and taking both her hands._] Darling! For Heaven's sake tell me what _has_ happened? SYLVIA. [_Triumphantly._] You hear, Mr. Pringle? He doesn't even know! _Now_ will you dare to repeat what you were saying--to his face? PRINGLE. If you insist. I've been saying, Ventimore, that I believe _you_ to have inspired this abominable transformation of the Professor. HORACE. It's true, then? He--he really _is_ a mule? SYLVIA. [_Disengaging herself, with a sudden doubt._] Horace, tell me--_did_ you send any one to father! HORACE. [_Sinking into chair by sofa._] Heaven forgive me! I did. SYLVIA. [_Recoiling from him with aversion._] To transform him into a mule? [_She goes to a chair below fireplace, and seats herself in despair._ HORACE. [_Rising and going towards her._] No, no! I wanted old Fakrash to convince him that he really _had_ been in the bottle--but not like _this_! I thought I could trust him to do _that_! [_Bitterly._] But I might have known! PRINGLE. So you still stick to that story about the Jinnee? HORACE. Surely even _you_ must believe it now? PRINGLE. I--I admit that it doesn't seem so incredible as it did. But, if true, there's all the less excuse for you. Because you can make this Jinnee, or whatever he is, do anything you tell him. You can't deny that--I've seen you _do_ it, you know! SYLVIA. Ah! HORACE. I can manage him right enough when he's _there_--it's when I haven't got my eye on him that he makes all these mistakes. SYLVIA. But _why_ should he change poor father into a one-eyed mule? It's so utterly unreasonable! HORACE. I'm afraid the Professor alarmed him by threatening to send for a constable. However, darling--and this is what I'm here to tell you--it won't last long. _I'll_ take care that your father will soon be restored. SYLVIA. [_Rising, overjoyed._] You _will_? Oh, I _must_ tell them! [_Rushing to the sliding-doors and slightly opening them._] Mother, mother! I've news--_good_ news! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Looking cautiously through the opening._] What is it, Sylvia? [_Sees HORACE with displeasure._] Mr. Ventimore! _You_ here! [_Stamping heard from study. MRS. FUTVOYE turns and speaks over her shoulder._] Keep back, Anthony! Keep back! Remember--you're not fit to be seen, as you _are_! SYLVIA. [_Happily._] It doesn't matter, mother. They _both_ know. And Horace is going to make father all right again. MRS. FUTVOYE. Oh, in _that_ case---- [_She pushes the sofa aside and comes through, leaving the sliding-doors open, and pulling the curtains back, but replacing the sofa._ HORACE. Mrs. Futvoye, I've something to say which I think will cheer the Professor up a bit. MRS. FUTVOYE. Unless you can say how and when my husband may expect to see an end of all this---- HORACE. I shall make old Fakrash see to that. MRS. FUTVOYE. Make old Fakrash see to it? HORACE. The Jinnee I let out of that brass bottle. I told you all about him last night. You didn't believe me _then_. PRINGLE. None of us did. But I'm afraid, Mrs. Futvoye, we've got to believe now. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_To HORACE._] Then--are _you_ responsible for this? HORACE. Indirectly. Only indirectly. I couldn't prevent Fakrash making an ass of himself. MRS. FUTVOYE. You might have prevented his making a mule of my husband! [_Another plunge and crash of glass from behind._ HORACE. I wasn't consulted! But I will say _this_ for old Fakrash--nobody's readier to repair a blunder when once it's pointed out to him. He'll do anything for _me_. MRS. FUTVOYE. Then send for him and _insist_ on his repairing what he's done here. SYLVIA. [_Eagerly, down on right._] Yes, yes. Send for him, Horace, _send_ for him! HORACE. [_Heavily._] I'm afraid it wouldn't be any use. PRINGLE. Nonsense! You could make him come if you _chose_! HORACE. I tell you I can't. I don't even know where he is--or if he hasn't gone off to Arabia again---- MRS. FUTVOYE. Off to Arabia! [_Going towards him._] And when--_when_ is he likely to be _back_? HORACE. [_Suddenly._] Oh! [_He collapses into the chair above the fireplace._] I--I've only just remembered. He told me he was going to _settle down_ there! [_General consternation._ MRS. FUTVOYE. And is my husband to remain a mule for the rest of his life? [_Furious plunging heard from study._ HORACE. [_In a choked voice._] Don't ask me, Mrs. Futvoye--don't _ask_ me! _Pringle._ [_Coming towards HORACE._] I _thought_, Ventimore, you came to cheer the Professor up? SYLVIA. Horace, if you don't summon that odious Jinnee this instant, I shall _hate_ you! I'm _beginning_ to, as it is! HORACE. [_Rising and coming towards her._] My darling, I'd do any mortal thing I could--but I'm helpless! [_At this instant FAKRASH, in Oriental robe and turban, and a long green cloak, suddenly emerges from the cabinet between the sliding-doors and the door to the hall, and stands scowling and evidently trying to repress both rage and fear. HORACE sees him first._] No, I'm not! Hooray! we're saved! He's turned up, after all! [_The others retreat towards the fireplace in alarm._] Leave him to _me_. _I_ know how to manage him. [_He approaches FAKRASH._] So here you are! If you aren't ashamed of yourself, you jolly well _ought_ to be! A pretty mess you've landed us in this time! Just you get us _out_ of it again! FAKRASH. [_Waving him aside._] No greeting to thee! I have come upon my own affairs. HORACE. You'll attend to _mine_ first. Undo this infamous spell of yours--do you hear? FAKRASH. [_Sullenly._] I will grant nothing more at _thy_ request. HORACE. I don't think you quite understand. I don't _request_--I _command_. On the head and on the eye! FAKRASH. Thou art wasting breath. No longer am I under obligation to thee, O thou perfidious one! HORACE. [_Anxiously._] Why--what's _come_ to you? [_Coaxingly._] I say! Fakrash--old _chappie_. Don't play the goat _now_! You _can't_ mean to leave me on the mat like this! FAKRASH. [_Glaring at him._] Canst thou not perceive how hateful thou hast become to me? HORACE. I _do_ notice a coolness. But _why_? You were chummy enough not half an hour ago! FAKRASH. [_Going from him towards right._] I had not then discovered thy treachery. HORACE. You're barking up the wrong tree, as usual, you know. Come--tell me what it's all about? FAKRASH. Not now. I will deal with thee hereafter, misbegotten cur that thou art! [_He stalks towards window._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_From below fireplace, to HORACE._] You don't seem to be managing him very well _so_ far. PRINGLE. [_Coming down to HORACE._] You gave us to understand that he would do _anything_ for you. HORACE. So he will, generally--but not just now. [_Crossing to MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA, while FAKRASH remains apart, with his back to the others._] He's suddenly turned nasty--I've no idea why. But I shall bring him round--in time. MRS. FUTVOYE. It's my _husband_ who has to be brought round--and there's no time to be lost! HORACE. I know--but if I press Fakrash in his present mood, I shall only make matters worse. PRINGLE. Well, if you can't--or _won't_--get him to do something, one of _us_ must try! Perhaps if Miss Sylvia could bring herself to appeal to his better feelings----? SYLVIA. [_Shrinking back._] People who come out of bottles can't _have_ better feelings! I couldn't--_really_, I couldn't. PRINGLE. You'd rather not? [_SYLVIA shudders._] Then I must see what _I_ can do. MRS. FUTVOYE. How _good_ of you! HORACE. [_Drawing PRINGLE back as he is going towards FAKRASH._] I _wouldn't_, Pringle! He's in a vile temper. And, unless you're _anxious_ to become a domestic animal of some sort---- SYLVIA. _Pray_ don't run such a risk, dear Mr. Pringle! PRINGLE. I shall be very careful, and I trust that, with ordinary tact----[_He makes a step towards FAKRASH._] Ahem! [_FAKRASH turns suddenly round with a feline snarl; all retreat to left; PRINGLE pulls himself together and tries again._] My--my dear sir, may I ask your attention for a few moments? FAKRASH. [_Striding towards him._] Who art _thou_?--a friend of yonder serpent's? HORACE. [_Indignantly._] Oh, I say! "Serpent," you know! "Serpent" is a bit---- [_FAKRASH ignores him._ PRINGLE. No, no, I repudiate him. I represent this unfortunate family--_they_ repudiate him too. MRS. FUTVOYE AND SYLVIA. [_Together._] Yes, yes, indeed--_indeed_ we do! [_HORACE sinks speechlessly on chair by sofa on right._ FAKRASH. [_To PRINGLE._] I will hearken unto thee, for indeed thou seemest a person of abundant intelligence and excellent conduct. PRINGLE. You're very kind--I hope I _am_. Hem! [_Going nearer FAKRASH._] I am sure, sir, that, if you had realised the serious embarrassment you have caused the members of this household by transforming its head into a one-eyed mule, you would never have allowed your--your sense of humour to carry you so far. FAKRASH. For mine own safety was it accomplished--for the sage threatened to deliver me into custody. HORACE. [_Starting up and coming towards FAKRASH._] He never _meant_ it! And, anyhow, _you're_ safe enough! FAKRASH. [_Turning on him fiercely._] Hold thy lying tongue! PRINGLE. Ventimore, I must beg you not to interfere. HORACE. Damn it all, Pringle, he's _my_ Jinnee--not yours! [_He attempts to join MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA, who turn their backs on him, after which he returns to his former place, crushed._ PRINGLE. [_To FAKRASH._] Evidently, sir, there has been some slight misunderstanding on both sides. But I feel confident that, if you will only consent to see this unfortunate gentleman, the matter can very soon be amicably arranged. FAKRASH. I am here for this very purpose. Let this learned man appear before me. PRINGLE. I won't keep you waiting long. [_He goes up to the sliding-doors and calls._] Professor! If you will kindly step this way, Mr. Fakrash would be glad to see you. [_A pause. THE MULE comes slowly on from the left side of the sliding doors._ HORACE. [_Overwhelmed._] Great Heavens above! PRINGLE. [_Trying to be polite and at his ease._] Er--how do you do, Professor? Sorry to see you looking so--so unlike yourself. [_THE MULE shows irritation; PRINGLE retreats nervously; then, in an undertone to MRS. FUTVOYE._] He--he can't jump that sofa, can he? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_In an undertone, to him._] Of course not--that's why it's there! PRINGLE. [_To FAKRASH._] A distinguished archæologist, sir, a corresponding member of every learned society in Europe--reduced to these extremities! [_To THE MULE, which seems to feel its position acutely._] Professor, as Ventimore has refused to interfere, I have taken on myself to assure this--this venerable Jane---- HORACE. [_In an undertone to PRINGLE._] _Jinnee!_ Call him "Jinnee"! PRINGLE. [_To HORACE._] I prefer to leave such familiarities to _you_, Ventimore----[_To MULE._]--this venerable _personage_, Professor, that if you have inadvertently offended him, you are ready to make any reasonable apology. That is so? [_THE MULE bows its head._ FAKRASH. Ask if he be willing to surrender the stopper of the bottle wherein I was enclosed. [_MULE shakes head._ PRINGLE. Now, Professor, if you consent to a request which I must say seems to me a very moderate and proper one, will you--er--signify the same in the usual manner by raising--er--your right ear? [_THE MULE'S left ear goes up sharply._ FAKRASH. The _left_ ear! He refuseth! PRINGLE. No, no, he _meant_ the right ear--he hasn't got complete muscular control as yet. I _really_ think we should get on better if you gave him back his power of speech. FAKRASH. It may be so. [_He approaches THE MULE and addresses it._] O thou of remarkable attainments, whom I have caused to assume the shape of this mule, speak, I command thee, and say if thou wilt restore my stopper. THE MULE. [_Laying back its ears and showing its teeth._] I'll see you damned first! [_General sensation._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Going towards THE MULE in distress._] Oh! he wouldn't be so obstinate if he wasn't a mule! FAKRASH. [_To THE MULE._] Thou art trifling with my safety and thine own! Reveal unto me the spot in which thou hast hidden the stopper and delay not--for it will be no difficult undertaking to transform these women of thine into mules like thyself. [_Horror of MRS. FUTVOYE and SYLVIA, _and despair and rage of HORACE, who rises and rushes towards FAKRASH. THE MULE. You can _do_ it for all _I_ care----! MRS. FUTVOYE. Oh, Anthony! THE MULE. We shall at least be a more united family than we are now! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Frantically._] Anthony! Don't provoke him! Think of _others_! FAKRASH. [_With some anxiety._] Hearken! I am disposed to show thee indulgence. Obey,--and I will restore thee to what thou wert. THE MULE. Why couldn't you say so before? I'll accept _those_ terms, as there's no alternative. Only--[_with his head on one side reflectively_]--I can't for the life of me recollect what I _did_ with that seal. Tut-tut! MRS. FUTVOYE. Oh, Anthony! Think! Think! [_General suspense and excitement._ THE MULE. [_Irritably._] I _am_ thinking, Sophia! [_After further reflection._] Ah! I remember now! I put it inside one of the vases on the mantelpiece, for safety. [HORACE looks aimlessly under the table and sofa; MRS. FUTVOYE, SYLVIA, and PRINGLE rush to the fireplace and search the vases._ MRS. FUTVOYE AND SYLVIA. [_Turning vases upside down._] Which? Which? No. It's not _there_! It's not _here._ PRINGLE. [_As he finds the metal cap in the last vase._] I've got it! [_Going to FAKRASH, and presenting it._] Allow me, sir. [_FAKRASH snatches it eagerly. PRINGLE goes up to THE MULE and reassures it, MRS. FUTVOYE accompanying him._ FAKRASH. [_Gloating over the cap._] It is indeed my stopper! Now shall I be secure from disturbance! HORACE. [_Going to FAKRASH, seizing his arm, and drawing him to the right; then, in an undertone._] Pitch into me afterwards if you like--but listen now. You _must_ keep _your_ side of the bargain! FAKRASH. [_Coldly._] What _I_ have promised I perform. HORACE. [_Relieved._] Ah, I _knew_ you were a good old sort--at bottom. And--I say--_do_ make them understand that _I've_ had nothing to do with all this. FAKRASH. [_Grimly._] Have no uneasiness--for thou shalt receive justice. [_HORACE retires to sofa on right, expecting to be rehabilitated._] Hear, O company, my words! I repent of my conduct in obeying the orders of yonder wretch--[_pointing to HORACE, who gasps in stupefaction_]--who is seeking even now to deter me from showing kindness. HORACE. Liar! _Liar!_ FAKRASH. Being desirous of escaping marriage with this damsel--[_with a step towards SYLVIA_]--he commanded me to transform her father as ye see. And I, whom he had delivered from a bottle of brass, was compelled by gratitude to fulfil all his desires. HORACE. [_Going up to FAKRASH furiously._] You infernal old scoundrel! [_FAKRASH smiles malignantly and stalks off to the right; HORACE crosses to SYLVIA._] _You_ don't believe him, Sylvia? You _can't_! SYLVIA. Don't speak to me! Don't come near me! [_MRS. FUTVOYE and PRINGLE express disgust and indignation._ HORACE. You're devilish _hard_ on me, all of you. [_He staggers to the sofa in front of sliding-doors and falls back, hitting his head against THE MULE'S nose; THE MULE makes a grab at him; he rises in confusion._] I--I beg your pardon, sir! [_He retreats to the left of the sofa._ SYLVIA. [_Down on left, to FAKRASH._] But you won't obey him any longer, _will_ you? You _are_ going to restore poor father? FAKRASH. [_On the right._] Let him first swear that he and all his household will preserve secrecy concerning this affair. THE MULE. [_Angrily._] Damn it, sir, we're not likely to _chatter_ about it! PRINGLE. [_Approaching FAKRASH, reassuringly._] It will never be allowed to go beyond the family. FAKRASH. [_To PRINGLE._] O eloquent and comely-faced one, I accept thy undertaking, for thou art indeed a worthy and honourable person. [_As PRINGLE, highly flattered, returns to THE MULE, FAKRASH beckons MRS. FUTVOYE._] In order that I may restore thy husband, bring me hither a cup of fair water. MRS. FUTVOYE. There's some in the dining-room. [_Going towards door to hall._] At least, it's _filtered_, if _that_ will do! THE MULE. Don't ask foolish questions, Sophia--do as you're _told_! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_With dignity._] I think you forget yourself, Anthony! [_PRINGLE opens the door for her, and she goes out._ SYLVIA. [_Going to PRINGLE, and taking his hand._] Dear, _dear_ Mr. Pringle! Where _should_ we be without _you_? PRINGLE. [_Modestly._] Don't _mention_ it, Miss Sylvia! That is--no trouble, I assure you! [_They come down together to the left, talking in dumb show._ HORACE. [_Going to FAKRASH on the right._] You--you pig-headed old muddler--[_pointing to SYLVIA and PRINGLE_]--look at _that_! You've done for me _this_ time. FAKRASH. [_Darkly._] Nay--not yet. [_MRS. FUTVOYE enters from the hall, carrying a glass goblet full of water._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_To FAKRASH._] I've brought it in this, but if you _prefer_ a breakfast-cup---- THE MULE. [_Impatiently._] What the devil does it matter? Let him get _on_ with it! FAKRASH. [_As he meets MRS. FUTVOYE and takes the goblet from her._] This will serve. [_He goes up to THE MULE and sprinkles some drops of water on its head._] Quit this form and return unto the form in which thou wert! [_THE MULE fades into the PROFESSOR, who appears gasping and in an extremely bad temper; PRINGLE shifts the sofa to let him pass; FAKRASH retires to near the window._ SYLVIA. [_Rushing to the PROFESSOR._] Father! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Coming to his other side._] Now, Anthony, after all you have been through, you'd better sit down for a little. SYLVIA. [_As she and MRS. FUTVOYE bring him down to the chair left of sofa on right._] It _is_ lovely to have you back, father dear! PRINGLE. [_Joining them._] You're looking better _already_, sir! PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Sinking into the chair by sofa._] Tut-tut! There, there--nothing to make all this fuss about! If one of you had only had the sense to try cold water, I should have come round _long_ before this! SYLVIA. But, father!--you forget that, but for Mr. Pringle---- PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. No, my dear, I do _not_. I owe much--very much--to Pringle's good offices--as I shall remember, my dear Pringle, as I shall _remember_. But I attribute my restoration in some measure to the fact that--from first to last--I was able to preserve perfect calm and self-control. PRINGLE. [_With an involuntary glance at the study, in which every article of furniture is smashed._] Quite _so_! And now I want you--all three--to celebrate your recovery by dining with me this evening at the Savoy. You promised you would last night, Professor. Not in the restaurant--I'll engage a private room. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. No, no--not to-night, my boy. I don't feel up to going out just yet. MRS. FUTVOYE. Nonsense, Anthony! You can dine out anywhere _now_, you know--and it will do you good. Thank you, Mr. Pringle, we shall be delighted. Sha'n't we, Sylvia? SYLVIA. I think I would rather stay at home this evening, mother. [_PRINGLE tries to persuade her in by-play._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Rising._] We'll come, Pringle, we'll come. [_To FAKRASH, who is still standing by the window._] Now then, sir, you've got all you came for--what are you waiting for? FAKRASH. To receive thy thanks. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. _What?_ For exposing me to all this humiliation! You'll get no thanks from _me_, sir--and the sooner you and your accomplice relieve this house of your presence the better! FAKRASH. [_Moving to right behind the sofa._] Let the rat, while he is still between the leopard's paws, observe rigidly all the laws of politeness! Take heed--or thou mayst become more hideous even than a mule! [_General sensation._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Eh? I spoke hastily--but I meant nothing offensive! I--I'm very much obliged to you. And now don't let us detain you--_either_ of you--from your other engagements. HORACE. [_Coming forward._] I'm going, sir--but I must say one last word to Sylvia----! FAKRASH. [_To SYLVIA._] Hearken not to this deceiver, O damsel,--for he will never wed thee! SYLVIA. [_Indignantly._] I'll never wed _him_! FAKRASH. Thou wilt not--for he is betrothed to a darker bride. HORACE. What! SYLVIA. Ah! [_To HORACE, coldly._] The--the lady I met last night? I wish you every happiness. [_Turning to PRINGLE._] On second thoughts, Mr. Pringle, I _will_ come to dinner to-night. [_PRINGLE expresses his gratification._ HORACE. [_Going nearer SYLVIA._] Sylvia! It may be for the last time----! FAKRASH. It is! Come! [_He extends his right hand towards HORACE, who is irresistibly drawn backwards to him._] For I will tarry no longer. [_He seizes his arm._ HORACE. [_Making an ineffectual resistance._] Let me go, Fakrash! Where are you taking me to? FAKRASH. [_Seizes him round the waist._] To meet--[_he soars up with HORACE through the open window on the right, and the remainder of the sentence is continued outside in mid-air_]--thy bride! [_The others go to window and gaze after them, pointing upwards._ PRINGLE. [_With solemn disapproval._] Disgraceful! They've flown right over the chimney-pots! THE CURTAIN FALLS. END OF THE THIRD ACT. THE FOURTH ACT SCENE I HORACE'S rooms, as in the opening of the play_. _The time is immediately after the close of the Third Act._ _As the curtain rises MRS. RAPKIN _is arranging various articles on the table_. RAPKIN enters from the door leading to landing, carrying a pair of boots on trees, which he takes into HORACE'S bedroom by the door down on the right, and then returns._ RAPKIN. [_Uneasily, to MRS. RAPKIN._] Marire, did Mr. Ventimore _say_ anythink this morning--regarding last night? MRS. RAPKIN. Ah, you may well ask! After sneakin' off first thing like you did, and leavin' me to make your excuses! RAPKIN. You'd some to make on your own, Marire. [_Sitting on right of table._] If his friends got any dinner, it was no thanks to _you_! MRS. RAPKIN. I'd never have gone if I 'adn't fancied the 'ouse was changed into Arabian 'alls and full o' grinnin' niggers! RAPKIN. _Fancied!_ Why, _I_ see 'em same as you did, didn't I? MRS. RAPKIN. You! You'd ha' seen anythink in the condition _you_ was in! And, any'ow, the 'ouse was just as usual when we come in. RAPKIN. It _was_--and that on'y made it all the rummier! For you can't deny as there was _somethink_ queer goin' on 'ere. MRS. RAPKIN. [_Severely._] There was _you_, William! And you'll go on from bad to worse if you don't give up nippin'! [_She goes up to bookcase on the left._ RAPKIN. Oh, come _orf_ it, Marire! You tole me yourself you see a percession of camels stop at our door long before _I_ got 'ome! MRS. RAPKIN. And I did--if it was my last words. Camuels and furrin' parties as brought in packages off of them. Luckily, they was all gone afore the neighbours 'ad time to take notice. [_Coming down to table._] And the best thing you and me can do is to let bygones _be_ bygones, and 'old our tongues about it. RAPKIN. All very fine--but 'ow do we know Mr. Ventimore mayn't be up to _more_ of these 'ere games? MRS. RAPKIN. Mr. Ventimore! I _did_ blame him--at first. But I'm sure now as _'e_ 'ad nothink to do with it. Poor dear young gentleman, we've never known 'im beyave otherwise than _as_ a gentleman, and----[_There is a sound outside of rushing wind, as FAKRASH swoops down with HORACE and both alight on the balcony; MRS. RAPKIN turns, screams, and sinks into a chair on the right of the fireplace._] Bless us and save us! Oh, Mr. Ventimore! [_Seeing FAKRASH._] And who's _that_? HORACE. [_Disengaging himself from FAKRASH, and stepping in._] That will do, Mrs. Rapkin. Can't I bring a--a friend in with me without your making all this fuss about it? MRS. RAPKIN. [_Rising, with dignity._] When you and your friends come flyin' in at first-floor windows like pidgins, Mr. Ventimore, you must expect _some_ notice to be took. [_RAPKIN makes a movement to the left as though fascinated by FAKRASH, who stands impassively by the window._] It's giving my 'ouse a bad name, and, as I've always kep' these apartments respectable 'itherto, you'll be good enough to find others where they're less partickler, for put up with it I won't! HORACE. All right, all right! You can go now--[_touching RAPKIN, who seems spellbound with fear of FAKRASH_]--_both_ of you. I've some business to settle with this--gentleman. MRS. RAPKIN. [_At door._] I'm going. RAPKIN. [_As he follows, still keeping his eyes on FAKRASH._] 'E's done it, Marire--sold 'isself, _'e_ 'as! Ah! [_As he goes out with MRS. RAPKIN._] I wouldn't be in _his_ shoes for somethink! [_The moment they have gone HORACE rushes to the door, opens it to make sure that they are not listening outside, then locks it, and comes down to FAKRASH in a white rage._ HORACE. Now then, you--you unspeakable old swine! What do you _mean_ by bringing me here like this? FAKRASH. [_Crossing to the right._] Verily I was tempted to drop thee in mid-air, forgetting my purpose. HORACE. To introduce me to that precious bride of yours, eh? I've told you already I'll have nothing to do with her. FAKRASH. Thou canst not escape _this_ bride--[_he suddenly produces a huge scimitar and brandishes it_]--for her name is--Death! HORACE. Death! I say, you don't mean that! [_As FAKRASH advances on him with a sweep of the scimitar, which HORACE ducks to avoid._] Yes, you do! [_Backing below window._] By Gad! you're _dangerous_! Well, just tell me _this_--what on earth have I done to deserve death? FAKRASH. I have brought thee hither--not to parley with thee, but to strike off thy head in the very place of thy perjuries. HORACE. [_Trying to keep cool._] I see. You seem to have forgotten that this is the very place where I let you out of that bottle. FAKRASH. [_Wrathfully._] Far better were it hadst thou suffered me to remain therein! HORACE. I quite agree with you _there_. [_As FAKRASH makes another cut at him with the scimitar._] Now, before you begin this execution, you'd better listen to me. You've got hold of some quite imaginary grievance, and I can tell you you'll look uncommonly foolish if you find after you've cut off my head that there's nothing _in_ it--[_correcting himself, annoyed_]--in the _grievance_, I mean! FAKRASH. O thou of plausible tongue, know that I have discovered thy treachery and deceit! Didst thou not assure me that I was free to wander where I would, since there was no longer any that had authority over the Jinn! HORACE. I don't _know_ of anybody that has. [_Half to himself._] Wish to Heaven I did! FAKRASH. [_With raised scimitar._] Thou hast lied--for there _is_ such a potentate! Since I visited thee this morn I have traversed many lands--and in _all_ have I seen the signs of his dominion and his wrath against us of the Jinn! HORACE. [_Blankly._] I've no _idea_ what you're driving at. FAKRASH. Again thou liest! [_As he is about to raise scimitar again HORACE keeps FAKRASH'S right arm down._] From this very spot whereon we stand thou canst behold such signs. [_Pointing with left hand through the open windows._] Tell me, what are yonder strongholds of blackened brick? HORACE. [_Mystified._] Those? Oh, factories--works of sorts. FAKRASH. [_Pointing with scimitar._] And yonder strange and gigantic cylinders red as blood? HORACE. [_Pushing FAKRASH'S hand away._] Gasometers. FAKRASH. Call them what thou wilt--they are prison-houses! All, all dungeons wherein my wretched brethren labour in torment till the Day of Doom! [_Pacing towards the right._] And every city throughout the world is filled with such abominations! Therefore--[_turning on him again_]--before I slay thee, I demand that thou tell me the name of the potentate by whom these punishments are imposed. HORACE. [_Whose expression during the above speech shows that a way out is beginning to suggest itself; to himself._] If I can--if only I _can_! [_As FAKRASH again waves the scimitar._] All right! I'll try to tell you. [_He seats himself on the edge of the table._] The--er--potentate has several names, but his most popular title is Progress. FAKRASH. [_Salaaming._] On whom be peace! HORACE. By all means! Well, Progress has subdued the--er--unruly forces of Nature, and compelled them to labour for humanity. FAKRASH. Then why didst thou conceal from me that I, too, am in danger of being seized and condemned to toil? HORACE. Why? Because I thought you were such a respectable, harmless old foozle that you'd never do anything to deserve it. [_Watching him._] But, of course, you _will_ if you cut my head off. You'll have a much worse time than ever you had in the bottle! FAKRASH. I know it. For no other reason have I recovered my stopper but to return into my bottle once more. HORACE. [_Relieved._] I think you're wise. [_Getting down from the table._] And I tell you what--if you'll only make it worth my while I'll seal you up myself. FAKRASH. O thou of imperfect understanding! Ere I re-enter my bottle thy head will already have been smitten from thy shoulders. [_Pointing scimitar across table at HORACE._] How, then, couldst thou----? HORACE. [_Wincing._] You needn't go on--I quite see your point. Only--if _I_ don't seal you up, who _will_? FAKRASH. [_Confidently._] I shall summon my Efreets to enclose me within the bottle and transport it to the Sea of El-Karkar, where I shall be undisturbed. HORACE. [_Slightly dashed for the moment._] Oh! is _that_ the idea? [_Catching at a straw._] But _Efreets_, eh? [_Watching him keenly._] Are you quite sure you can _trust_ 'em? You know what Efreets _are_! [_With triumph, as FAKRASH plucks at his beard uneasily._] Ah! I _thought_ you did! FAKRASH. Thinkest thou that they might betray me? HORACE. They'd _love_ it! And as soon as they got you safely corked up, what's to prevent them from handing you over to Progress? Progress won't put up with _your_ little ways--you can't go about beheading architects in _this_ country without paying for your fun. I expect you'd catch it devilish hot! FAKRASH. [_Falling on his knees in sudden terror._] Repentance, O Progress! I will not return to the like conduct ever! [_He rises trembling._] Willingly will I depart from the world as it now is--for it hath ceased to be a pleasure-garden and become a place of desolation and horror! HORACE. [_Calmly._] Quite so; and I can help you to return from it. _I'm_ not an Efreet, and if _I_ undertake to bottle you up and drop you into a deep part of our river here, you can depend on me to _do_ it. FAKRASH. Undertake this, and in return I will grant thee thy life. HORACE. [_Disguising his satisfaction._] Not good enough! You must offer better terms than _that_! What have _you_ done to deserve any help from me? FAKRASH. Have I not loaded thee with kindnesses? HORACE. Kindnesses! Till I met you I was happy and hopeful--now, I'm miserable and desperate! FAKRASH. Is not life itself a sufficient boon? HORACE. What? When you've parted me for ever from the girl I love! Life is no boon to me _now_. If _you_ don't put an end to me I shall do it myself--by jumping over that balcony and breaking my neck!... I've a good mind to do it now. [_He makes a sudden movement towards the balcony as though to carry out his threat._ FAKRASH. [_Detaining him._] Hold! I entreat thee! Do not abandon me thus, and all that I have done I will undo! [_As he speaks he throws away the scimitar, which, to HORACE'S amazement, vanishes._ HORACE. [_Going to the right with his back to the audience._] That's more like _business_! But--_can_ you undo the mischief you've done? FAKRASH. With the greatest ease that can be! [_He stalks towards the window, extends his right arm, and mutters some cryptic sentence, then turns complacently to HORACE._] I have obliterated from the minds of thy betrothed and her parents all memory of myself and the brass bottle, and of every incident connected therewith. HORACE. By Jove! That's rather a neat way out--[_with sudden doubt_]--if you've really _done_ all that! FAKRASH. May I be thy ransom if it be not accomplished! HORACE. Well,--I must take your word for it. But there's Mr. and Mrs. Wackerbath,--can you make _them_ forget everything connected with you--except that I'm to build them a house? FAKRASH. [_Going to the window and repeating the incantation, then returning to the centre of the room._] All else hath utterly passed from their recollection. HORACE. Splendid! Do the thing well while you're about it--better throw in their coachman--oh, and the couple you saw here just now,--the Rapkins. FAKRASH. [_Repeats the incantation, facing the door._] It is done. They remember naught of that they have seen. And now ask no more of me, but perform thy part and bring hither my bottle. HORACE. [_Going to door down on the right._] Right! I'll go and get it out of my bedroom. [_He goes out._ FAKRASH. [_Pacing up and down in suspense and terror._] Haste! Haste! For until I am in my bottle once more every instant is an eternity! HORACE. [_Returning with the bottle, which he sets down on the floor in front of the mantelpiece._] Here's your bottle! Got the stopper? FAKRASH. [_After some fumbling in his robes, finds the metal cap and gives it to HORACE._] It is here. Now swear to me by the beard of Progress that thou wilt drop me into deep waters, even as thou hast promised! HORACE. I swear it--by the beard of Progress--on whom be peace!... You step in, sir, and leave the rest to me. FAKRASH. [_As he raises his arms and moves towards the fireplace._] To escape into a bottle is pleasant! HORACE. Delightful! FAKRASH. [_Who is now behind the bottle, with his arms extended in supplication and his back to the audience._] Towbah yah nebbi ullah Anna lah amill Kathalik ibadan! Wullah hi! [_With the last words he disappears through the neck of the bottle._ HORACE. [_Standing by the bottle with the cap._] Tucked yourself in comfortably? Say _when_. [_There is a knock at the door leading to landing._ FAKRASH'S VOICE. [_From interior of bottle._] I am betrayed! The constables of Progress are without! Let me forth that I may slay them and secure safety! HORACE. [_Promptly clapping on the cap and screwing it tightly._] You're safer where you _are_, old cocky! Good-bye! [_Wipes his forehead._] Phew! Near thing that! [_The knock is repeated._] All right! Wait a bit! I'm busy! [_He takes the bottle into his bedroom._ RAPKIN'S VOICE. [_Outside door._] All right, sir! [_HORACE returns, goes to door at back, and unlocks it; to RAPKIN, who is seen with a telegram._] What is it? RAPKIN. [_Entering._] Reply telegram, sir. [_Handing it to HORACE._] Boy's waiting. HORACE. [_Reading the telegram._] "Can you dine with wife and self, Savoy Hotel, 8.15 to-night? Quite small party. Could discuss plans new house. Ask for 'Pinafore' Room.--Wackerbath." Good! _Wackerbath's_ all right, anyhow! [_He pulls a chair to the table and sits down to fill up the reply form. As he does so his face suddenly clouds._] The _Savoy_, though! Pringle's dining there to-night.... Good Lord! _I forgot all about Pringle!_ I wonder if Fakrash has made _him_ forget? If he _didn't_, by George! there'll be a pretty kettle of fish! RAPKIN. [_Thinking he is being addressed._] Beg pardon, sir? HORACE. Nothing--I wasn't speaking to _you_. [_Finishes writing the form and hands it to RAPKIN._] Can you read it? RAPKIN. [_Reading._] "Delighted. Savoy, 8.15 to-night.--Ventimore." Excuse me, sir, but _when_ is it you're expecting friends to dinner 'ere? HORACE. [_At a loss for the moment._] Er--_when_? I--I'm not sure. [_As he crosses to his bedroom._] Oh, just tell Mrs. Rapkin I should like to see her. [_He goes into bedroom._ RAPKIN. [_Looking round, as MRS. RAPKIN enters from landing._] Mr. Ventimore was just _asking_ for you, Marire. MRS. RAPKIN. [_Surprised._] Was he? I didn't know he'd come in. [_She crosses to the bookcase, places a newspaper on the shelf on left of fireplace, then goes to the windows and closes them._ RAPKIN. Nor yet me--but he 'ave. [_He goes out, leaving door open._ HORACE. [_Coming from bedroom, carrying a bulky and apparently heavy kit-bag._] I only wanted to tell you that I sha'n't be in to dinner to-night, Mrs. Rapkin. [_He sets the bag down on the table._ MRS. RAPKIN. Goin' out of town, sir? HORACE. No. Why? [_MRS. RAPKIN indicates the bag._] Oh, this kit-bag? I'm lending it--to a friend of mine. Just going to see him off--[_taking up the bag again and going to the door_]--for a long holiday. I shall come in to dress. [_To himself._] Fool I was to forget Pringle! [_As HORACE goes out the stage is in darkness for an interval of a minute or two, after which the curtain rises on the last scene._ SCENE II _The "Pinafore" private room at the Savoy Hotel._ _At the back is a wide arch, beyond which is a glazed balcony, with a view over the tops of the Embankment trees of the river and the Surrey bank, with the Shot Towers, &c., and the ends of Waterloo Bridge on the extreme left, and of Charing Cross Railway Bridge on the extreme right._ _At the rising of the curtain this view is seen in a warm sunset glow._ _Above the arch there is a door on the right, leading to the corridor and restaurant; another on the left, by which the waiters come in and go out._ _Below the arch, down on the right, is a fireplace; above the fireplace, at right angles to it, a couch, and behind the couch a long flower-stand filled with flowers and palms._ _Up the stage, centre, is a round table, laid for six persons, and elaborately decorated with pink Gloire de France roses, under rose-shaded lamp. Six chairs are placed round it, and a seventh chair is in the glazed balcony._ _Below the arch, on the left, is another door, and down on left, at a slight angle, a sofa, with occasional tables and chairs. Against the wall on left is a glazed cabinet._ _The furniture and decorations are copied from the original room in the Savoy Hotel._ _As the curtain rises the SECOND WAITER is placing the napkins under the supervision of the FIRST WAITER. _Waltz music is heard from the restaurant on the right._ PRINGLE'S VOICE. [_Outside door above arch, to unseen attendant._] "Entrance from the Embankment as well," eh? Well, why didn't you _tell_ me that? My friends have probably come in _that_ way while I was waiting at the _other_ end! This is the "Pinafore" Room, isn't it? Very _well_, then--I expect I shall find them in here. [_He enters, and looks round the room._] No. They don't seem to have arrived yet. FIRST WAITER. [_By the table._] Not yet. They vill be here soon. [_The SECOND WAITER goes out._ PRINGLE. Eh? Well, I _hope_ so, I'm sure. They're behind their time as it is. [_Inspecting table._] H'm! Not bad. But you needn't have had all those roses--half a dozen would have been _quite_ sufficient. And--hang it all! You've laid for _six_ people! FIRST WAITER. Pardon, m'sieu--we receive orders to lay for six person. PRINGLE. Nonsense! Your orders were to lay for _four_. A "petty party carry"--if you know what _that_ means. FIRST WAITER. Parfaitement--but I think perhaps there is some mistake. This is the "Pinafore" Room. PRINGLE. I know _that_--and the manager told me this morning on the telephone that he's reserved the "Pinafore" Room for _me_. I'm only expecting _three_ guests, though; so just clear away those two extra places, and look sharp about it. [_The SECOND WAITER returns._ FIRST WAITER. But excuse--the manager he say to me---- PRINGLE. Confound you, do you suppose _I_ don't know how many people I've asked? Have the table altered at once, or I shall send for the manager. FIRST WAITER. [_With a shrug._] Bien, m'sieu! You tell me there is a mistake--that is enoff--I alter it. [_He gives orders in an undertone to the SECOND WAITER, who removes two of the chairs to the balcony, and takes off the corresponding plates, glasses, &c._ PRINGLE. [_As he comes down to the left._] I sha'n't _pay_ for more than four--mind that! [_To himself, as he sits on the couch down left._] It's going to cost me quite enough without that, _I_ can see! [_The Westminster Clock-tower is heard striking the quarter; PRINGLE takes out his watch._] Eight-fifteen! And I asked them for eight sharp. Very singular--the Professor's generally so punctual! [_He rises eagerly as the door on right above arch opens._] Ah, _here_ they are! [_HORACE enters and comes down; PRINGLE draws himself up stiffly._] What, _you_, Ventimore! I scarcely expected to see you here to-night. [_The two WAITERS go out; the waltz music stops._ HORACE. [_Coming down to couch by fireplace._] Didn't you? I rather thought I might run across _you_, somehow. PRINGLE. [_Austerely._] Considering that, when I _last_ saw you, you were flying over the chimney-pots with an Oriental enchanter you had released from a brass bottle---- HORACE. [_Seating himself on sofa by fireplace._] Ah! So you _haven't_ forgotten! PRINGLE. It's hardly a thing one would be _likely_ to forget in a hurry. You were being conducted to meet your bride, I think--are you beginning your honeymoon in this hotel? HORACE. If you want to know, I'm here because I'm dining with the Wackerbaths. PRINGLE. What!--the client I met in your office this morning? Then he must have an uncommonly short memory, that's all! But, whether you're dining with him or not, that's no reason why you should have forced your way in _here_! I suppose you're hoping that, if you can only see Miss Futvoye---- HORACE. You're wrong, Pringle, quite wrong. I don't in the least expect to see Miss Futvoye here to-night. And I very much doubt if _you_ will, either. PRINGLE. _Do_ you? You wouldn't if you'd heard her parting words to me this afternoon. I said to her: "You won't forget?" Her answer was: "As if I _could_--after all you've done for us!" HORACE. It--it's just possible that _all_ of them may have forgotten an engagement which was made under--rather peculiar circumstances. PRINGLE. That's just why they're not likely to forget it. [_Going to fireplace, and standing with his back to it._] They may be here at any moment! HORACE. They _may_--but, if I were you, I shouldn't count on them. PRINGLE. I _do_ count on them--and I consider your intrusion here in the worst possible taste. I think you might have the decency to go! HORACE. [_Rising._] I tell you I'm here because this is the room which Wackerbath asked me to come to. PRINGLE. It won't _do_, you know! If it was, he'd be here to receive you--which he isn't. [_As he speaks MR. WACKERBATH bustles in from the door below the arch on the left. HORACE goes forward to meet him, PRINGLE remaining by the fireplace in wrathful astonishment._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_Shaking hands effusively with HORACE._] My _dear_ Mr. Ventimore, I really don't know _how_ to apologise, neither the wife nor myself down to receive you! I do hope you haven't been waiting long? HORACE. Only just come, I assure you. MR. WACKERBATH. We have a private room, you see--the wife prefers it to the--ah--publicity of the restaurant. [_The FIRST and SECOND WAITERS enter from the door on the left above the arch._] If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll just see how they've arranged the table. [_He bustles up to the table._] Why, hullo! What's _this_? Only four places! I ordered dinner for _six_! FIRST WAITER. I regret--but it is not my fault. I lay for six, and a gentleman assure me I am wrong, it is for four person only. MR. WACKERBATH. Don't _talk_ about it--put it right at once. I want a chair in here--and another here. [_He remains by the table, while the WAITERS replace chairs and bring back plates, glasses, &c._ PRINGLE. [_To HORACE._] Ventimore! [_HORACE crosses to fireplace._] Will you kindly explain to your host that that's _my_ dinner-table he's taking these liberties with? HORACE. I know nothing about it. You had better settle that with him yourself. PRINGLE. I intend to--presently. [_He stands, nursing his grievance, as MR. WACKERBATH comes down to HORACE._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_To HORACE._] Those fellows seem to have mistaken their orders. Lucky I noticed it in time! [_MRS. WACKERBATH enters from the door below arch._] Ah, here _is_ my wife! Eliza, my dear--[_presenting HORACE_]--our friend, Mr. Ventimore. MRS. WACKERBATH. [_To HORACE, cordially, but with a nervous, fluttered manner._] Oh, how do you _do_? I _am_ so pleased to meet you! I've been hearing so _much_ about you from my husband. [_She goes to sofa on the left, and sits._] It will be _so_ delightful to have a home at last that is _really_ fit to live in! [_PRINGLE, hearing this, makes a contemptuous ejaculation to himself._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_To HORACE._] I ought to tell you this is quite an _impromptu_ little affair. The wife only came up this morning for a day or two in town, and asked some old friends of ours to dinner. So I wired to you on the off-chance of your being free to come and meet them. MRS. WACKERBATH. So kind of you to come on such short notice! HORACE. I was delighted. MRS. WACKERBATH. [_Suddenly realising PRINGLE'S presence; to MR. WACKERBATH._] But, Samuel, aren't you forgetting to introduce your other guest? HORACE. [_To himself foreseeing trouble._] Good Lord! [_He goes up round the table to the glazed balcony._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_Surprised, to MRS. WACKERBATH._] My _other_----? I was not aware----[_He turns and sees PRINGLE, and advances to him._] You must excuse me, sir, but I didn't see you before. I--ah--haven't the pleasure of knowing your name--at present. PRINGLE. [_Coming forward._] My name is Pringle. _Yours_--[_meaningly_]--is quite well known to me, Mr. Wackerbath. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Gratified, but not surprised._] Ha! Very good of you to say so. And I needn't tell you that any friend of Mr. Ventimore's---- PRINGLE. [_Tartly._] I am not here in that capacity, sir. I am here because I also am expecting friends to dine with me. And I was certainly given to understand that this room had been reserved for my _own_ party. MRS. WACKERBATH. [_In some distress._] Oh, dear! I _am_ so sorry. I'm afraid _I'm_ to blame. I asked the manager for this room--he told me it was engaged, but he would arrange for you to have the "Patience" Room instead. PRINGLE. I can only assure you that this is the first _I've_ heard of it, or else---- MRS. WACKERBATH. [_Rising._] I _quite_ thought it would be explained to you, and I do so _hope_ the change hasn't put you to any great inconvenience? PRINGLE. [_Sourly._] I'm afraid, Mrs. Wackerbath, it has put my guests to considerable inconvenience, as they have presumably been shown into the "Patience" Room, and been waiting there for nearly half an hour--if they haven't already left! So--[_making a movement towards the arch_]--if you will kindly permit me---- HORACE. [_Coming down, and intercepting him; in an under>tone._] You won't find them there, Pringle. They haven't come. They _won't_ come now, I assure you. PROFESSOR'S VOICE. [_On left, outside door above arch._] This must be the room, Sophia--I observe "Pinafore" on the door. PRINGLE. [_In a triumphant undertone to HORACE, who is completely staggered._] There! Who's right _now_? I _knew_ they wouldn't forget! [_He advances to the end of the sofa by fireplace to receive the FUTVOYES, while HORACE effaces himself so far as possible in the corner behind the flower-stand._ HORACE. [_To himself in despair._] That old _fool_ of a Fakrash! He's muffed it again! [_The FUTVOYES enter; MRS. FUTVOYE first, then SYLVIA, and the PROFESSOR bringing up the rear._ PRINGLE. [_Cheerily, to MRS. FUTVOYE._] Aha! [_His welcome dies away as they all pass on without seeming to notice any one but MR. and MRS. WACKERBATH, who advance from the left to receive them. PRINGLE retreats slightly, and looks on in speechless indignation._ MR. WACKERBATH. My dear Mrs. Futvoye, delighted to see you--delighted! [_As MRS. FUTVOYE greets MRS. WACKERBATH, to SYLVIA._] And this smart young woman is my little god-daughter, eh? How d'ye do, my dear? [_To PROFESSOR._] And how is our excellent Professor? [_They converse in by-play; MRS. WACKERBATH takes MRS. FUTVOYE to sofa on left; SYLVIA goes up towards arch to a place from which she can see neither HORACE nor PRINGLE._ MRS. WACKERBATH. [_To MRS. FUTVOYE, as they seat themselves._] Dearest Sophia! We meet so seldom now! MRS. FUTVOYE. We do indeed, Eliza! [_They talk in undertones._ PRINGLE. [_By fireplace, to himself, with the deepest disgust._] First my room, and then my guests! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Turning to MRS. FUTVOYE, as the PROFESSOR joins SYLVIA._] I want to introduce a friend of ours--very rising young fellow----[_He looks round for HORACE, and discovers him by the flower stand._] Ah, _there_ he is--Mr. Ventimore. [_HORACE pulls himself together and comes forward, not in the least knowing what reception to expect._] Mr. Ventimore, Mrs. Anthony Futvoye. [_HORACE bows in considerable anxiety._ MRS. FUTVOYE. Why, my dear Mr. Wackerbath, we know one another quite well already! [_To HORACE, laughing._] Don't we, Horace? [_HORACE takes her hand with obvious relief._ SYLVIA. [_Coming down smiling, between MR. WACKERBATH and HORACE._] How are you, Horace? [_HORACE shakes hands warmly with her._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Approaching as MR. WACKERBATH turns to his wife and MRS. FUTVOYE, to HORACE not over cordially, but without asperity._] How are you, Ventimore? Curious we should meet like this! We were talking about you on our way here--that little dinner of yours, you know. HORACE. [_With reviving anxiety._] That--little dinner, Professor? SYLVIA. Yes, Horace, we _couldn't_ remember which night it is we're dining with you--is it to-morrow, or the night after? HORACE. [_Relieved again._] Oh, it's to-morrow--to-morrow! [_PRINGLE has heard all this with a contempt and disgust that are indicated by his expression._ SYLVIA. Then mother _was_ right! I'd fearful misgivings that it was for _last_ night, and that somehow we'd forgotten all about it. Wouldn't that have been too dreadful of us? HORACE. Oh, I--I don't know. I mean--I could have forgiven even _that_. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Ah, now I think of it--[_interposing between SYLVIA and HORACE, and drawing him apart, while SYLVIA goes up towards the table_]--did you find time to attend that sale for me yesterday? HORACE. [_Blankly._] Oh, yes. I _attended_ it. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. We called at your rooms yesterday afternoon, but you weren't in, so we didn't wait for you. Now tell me--[_anxiously_]--did you get any of those lots for me, or didn't you? HORACE. Well, no. I had the most rotten luck. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_With relief._] It's just as well you didn't--just as well. I doubt now whether I could afford the money. I find I shall be put to considerable expense--for repairs to my study. [_He turns to MR. WACKERBATH, who is on his right. SYLVIA comes down, and PRINGLE advances to greet her, but, finding she evidently sees no one but HORACE, he goes up towards the balcony fuming with rage._ SYLVIA. [_To HORACE._] Come and sit down somewhere, and tell me everything you've been doing. [_HORACE takes her to the sofa by the fireplace, where they sit down and talk in dumb show, while PRINGLE is now hanging about undecidedly near the flower-stand, waiting his opportunity for addressing SYLVIA, and furiously jealous at finding her still too absorbed to notice him_; MRS. FUTVOYE and MRS. WACKERBATH are talking confidentially on the sofa on the left side of the room, and the PROFESSOR and MR. WACKERBATH are standing in the centre._ MR. WACKERBATH. So you and my young friend Ventimore are already acquainted, eh, Professor? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Why, yes. In fact, he's supposed to be engaged to Sylvia. But, between ourselves, I should feel more satisfied if there was any prospect of his getting work. MR. WACKERBATH. My dear Futvoye, you needn't be uneasy about _that_! Why, this house he's building for _me_ will find him work enough. He's an able young chap, and I shouldn't be surprised if he gave me a perfect palace! PRINGLE. [_Who is near enough to hear this, comes down._] What, _another_ palace, Mr. Wackerbath? MR. WACKERBATH. [_In some astonishment._] Eh? Why, bless my soul, sir, I thought you'd gone to the "Patience" Room long ago! PRINGLE. [_Drily._] I found it wasn't necessary. How are you, Professor? [_With the air of a host._] Delighted to see you. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Shaking hands perfunctorily._] Oh, how are you, my boy, how are you? [_Turning his shoulder on PRINGLE, and continuing to MR. WACKERBATH, as they go up together towards the table, ignoring PRINGLE.] Wackerbath, about this house of yours?--do I understand that Ventimore is----? [_They talk in dumb show, and during the next few speeches the FIRST WAITER enters, and MR. WACKERBATH gives him an order, after which the WAITER goes out and returns with two cocktails. The PROFESSOR sits by the table and MR. WACKERBATH stands as they drink. PRINGLE meanwhile has returned to the corner of the flower-stand and is no longer able to control his temper._ PRINGLE. [_To SYLVIA, with elaborate sarcasm, as he offers his hand, which she does not see at first._] Good evening, Miss Sylvia, it's really about time that I reminded you of _my_ humble existence. SYLVIA. [_With slightly raised eyebrows, as she shakes hands._] Oh, how do you do, Mr. Pringle? I didn't see you come in. [_HORACE sits by in silence, feeling powerless to stop PRINGLE at present._ PRINGLE. [_Unpleasantly._] No, you were so much engaged. [_In a tone of injury._] And I must say I little expected when I last saw you at Cottesmore Gardens--scarcely seven hours ago----! SYLVIA. [_Smiling, but surprised._] Seven _hours_! It is more like seven _weeks_! PRINGLE. [_Beaming fatuously._] Charming of you to put it in that way! I was almost beginning to fear that you had forgotten--[_with meaning_]--our last meeting. SYLVIA. [_Innocently._] In Vincent Square yesterday afternoon? Of course not. _I_ meant since you had been to see _us_. And that's _ages_ ago! PRINGLE. [_Blankly._] Ages ago! SYLVIA. [_Carelessly._] Oh, you said you'd been away, or working hard, or something, didn't you? _I_ forgive you. And so _you_ are dining with Mr. and Mrs. Wackerbath, too? PRINGLE. [_Stiffly._] With Mr. and Mrs.----! Pardon me, but I am under the impression that _I_ am to have the honour of entertaining you. SYLVIA. [_Rising; HORACE rising as she does._] Entertaining _us_! Why, what _could_ have made you think that? PRINGLE. [_In a low voice._] And you can throw me over like this! After all I've done for you? Oh, _Sylvia_! SYLVIA. [_Coldly._] I don't understand you a bit this evening, Mr. Pringle. But there may have been some mistake. I will go and ask mother about it. [_She crosses to behind the sofa on which MRS. FUTVOYE is seated, and talks to her in dumb show, MRS. FUTVOYE appearing surprised by what she hears. Meanwhile._ PRINGLE. [_In a savage undertone to HORACE._] This is _your_ work! I see how it is--you've made 'em _all_ knuckle down, somehow! HORACE. [_Earnestly, in an undertone to him._] It isn't that, my dear fellow. They've forgotten--utterly forgotten everything. And so will you if you're a wise man. PRINGLE. They may pretend to forget if they like! But I'm hanged if _I_ do! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Who has risen, leaving SYLVIA to talk to MRS. WACKERBATH, now advances to PRINGLE._] _What_ is this Sylvia tells me, Mr. Pringle? Surely you haven't been expecting us to dine with _you_ to-night? PRINGLE. I not only _have_ been, I _am_, my dear lady. MRS. FUTVOYE. Then my husband must have----[_Turning to the PROFESSOR, who is by the table talking to MR. WACKERBATH._] Anthony! [_The PROFESSOR comes down._] Have you accepted an invitation from Mr. Pringle for to-night without telling me? How _could_ you be so forgetful? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. My memory has not begun to fail _yet_, Sophia. [_To PRINGLE._] My dear Pringle, I can only say that I received no such invitation. We had _no_ engagement for this evening till Mrs. Wackerbath kindly rang my wife up this afternoon. [_He takes a chair on the left by MRS. WACKERBATH, and talks to her._ MRS. FUTVOYE. Your invitation must have been lost in the post, Mr. Pringle. PRINGLE. Hardly, as it happened to be given--and accepted--by word of mouth, Mrs. Futvoye. However, since you seem to have found a subsequent engagement more attractive, I have, of course, no option but to release you. MRS. FUTVOYE. _Release_ us! But, my dear Mr. Pringle, when we've assured you---- PRINGLE. [_Interrupting her with chilly magnanimity._] Pray say no more. I quite understand the situation--_quite_. [MRS. FUTVOYE rejoins SYLVIA, while MR. WACKERBATH, who has gradually drawn nearer, now comes forward genially._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_To PRINGLE._] I think, sir, we can find a simple way out of this little difficulty. If you will waive the point of my being--ah--personally unknown to you, and give my wife and myself the pleasure of joining our little party--[_the others suppress their dismay_]--we shall _all_ be happy. PRINGLE. Well, Mr. Wackerbath, if you think it will contribute to the general gaiety, I--I don't mind if I _do_ join your party. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Astonished, and with a touch of hauteur._] H'm! That's very obliging of you! [_Looking round._] Where are those waiter-fellows? [_He goes up beyond the arch and beckons; the FIRST and SECOND WAITERS come in, and he explains in dumb show that he wants another cover laid. One waiter rearranges the chairs, the other brings plate and glasses. MR. WACKERBATH then seems to find that the table is too near the balcony, and orders it to be moved down, which is done under his instructions._ SYLVIA. [_As MR. WACKERBATH goes up to find the waiters, to her mother, in an undertone._] Mother, what is the matter with Mr. Pringle? He seems quite--quite _odd_. MRS. FUTVOYE. I can't make him out at all, my dear. He seems to be offended with us--and for no reason that _I_ can see. SYLVIA. Nor I. [_They continue the conversation in dumb show, while the PROFESSOR, on a chair, is talking to MRS. WACKERBATH on the sofa on the left._ PRINGLE. [_In an undertone to HORACE, as they stand by the fireplace on the right._] I suppose you know _why_ I've accepted that fellow's hospitality? HORACE. Not in the least--but I hope you don't mean to abuse it. PRINGLE. I mean to show up the lot of you! I'm going to be the skeleton at your feast. HORACE. "An agreeable rattle," eh? PRINGLE. It's too sickening! All of 'em grovelling and cringing to you because they're in a blue funk of that old Fakrash! You've managed to get him under control again! HORACE. [_With much earnestness._] Now, my dear fellow--I'll explain everything when we're alone. But, for Heaven's sake, take my advice and keep quiet _here_! PRINGLE. [_Roughly._] I'm not afraid of you, or your Jinnee either--he rather _took_ to me! And if the Futvoyes choose to drop me like this, I'm not going to take it lying down--I can make _them_ look pretty foolish! HORACE. You'll be the only one to look foolish--upon my honour, you will! PRINGLE. We'll see about that! You can't shut _my_ mouth! MR. WACKERBATH. [_The WAITERS having gone out, now comes down and addresses MRS. FUTVOYE._] They tell me we shall have to wait a few minutes longer--but they'll be as quick as they can. MRS. WACKERBATH. Oh, Samuel, the Professor has just been telling me about such an extraordinary affair that happened this morning--in his own study! Have you heard? [_HORACE starts; PRINGLE prepares to assume the offensive._ MR. WACKERBATH. Not a word--not a word. What was it, Futvoye? Nothing, I hope, of--ah--an unpleasant nature! PRINGLE. [_Striking in before the PROFESSOR can reply._] "Unpleasant"? Oh, _dear_ no! [_Coming forward to centre._] _Quite_ an ordinary occurrence! Ha-ha! [_General surprise._ MRS. FUTVOYE. [_With annoyance._] I don't know why Mr. Pringle should choose to answer for my husband. [_To MR. WACKERBATH._] We considered it _most_ unpleasant. In fact, we can only be thankful it was no worse! PRINGLE. But _are_ you thankful? I haven't noticed any signs of it, _so_ far! HORACE. [_In his ear._] Shut up, can't you? MRS. FUTVOYE. _Really_, Mr. Pringle! [_To MR. WACKERBATH._] I was _about_ to say--when Mr. Pringle interrupted me--that my husband found, on going into his study after lunch this afternoon, that it was completely wrecked. MR. WACKERBATH. Wrecked? You don't say so! MRS. FUTVOYE. Everything--bookcases, all his ancient glass and pottery---- PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. A valuable mummy! MRS. FUTVOYE. Absolutely smashed to atoms! MR. WACKERBATH. Dear me! How unfortunate! [_To the PROFESSOR._] And have you any clue to the--ah--culprit? PRINGLE. [_With a wild sardonic laugh._] Ho-ho! He's no _idea_ who the--ah--culprit is. _Have_ you, Professor? [_Renewed astonishment._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Glaring at PRINGLE._] I can only surmise. _My_ theory is that burglars must have broken in during the night, and that the scoundrels, disgusted at finding nothing of any value to _them_, revenged themselves by doing this irreparable damage. PRINGLE. Bravo, Professor! Does you credit, that theory of yours! _Most_ ingenious! _Must_ have been burglars, of course! With gout in all their four legs--eh, Mrs. Futvoye? [_MRS. FUTVOYE regards him with puzzled displeasure._ HORACE. [_In PRINGLE'S ear._] _Will_ you hold your confounded tongue! MRS. WACKERBATH. [_To the PROFESSOR._] The wretches! But what a mercy that you weren't disturbed! PRINGLE. Oh, the Professor wasn't disturbed--not _he_! "Preserved perfect calm and self-control from first to last"--_didn't_ you, Professor? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Acidly._] As I was sound asleep during the whole business, sir, I presume I _did_. PRINGLE. Ha-ha! Sound asleep, eh? But you must have had a touch of nightmare when _I_ saw you. PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. When you----! [_Rising and coming towards him._] How and when could _you_ possibly have seen me, Pringle? PRINGLE. Oh, in your study. When you were lashing out at everything--with your hind legs. [_General sensation; MRS. WACKERBATH and MRS. FUTVOYE both rise, and, with SYLVIA, come somewhat nearer PRINGLE._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. With my hind legs!... D'you know, my dear Pringle, you're talking rather wildly? PRINGLE. It won't do, Professor, it won't do! I was _there_, remember. And lucky for you I _was_--or you'd be a wall-eyed mule at this very moment. [_Exasperated by the FUTVOYES' apparent astonishment._] Oh, it may suit you to forget it _now_--but you were all three--especially Sylvia--grateful enough to me _then_! [_Increased sensation._ MRS. FUTVOYE. Grateful to you? May I ask what for? PRINGLE. I suppose you won't deny that I was the only one who could tackle Ventimore's old Jinnee? MRS. FUTVOYE. [_In a tone of hopeless bewilderment._] Horace! _Does_ he mean that pleasant elderly landlady of yours? PRINGLE. As if you didn't _know_, Mrs. Futvoye! I mean the old demon, or whatever he may be, that Ventimore let out of that brass bottle. ALL THE OTHERS (EXCEPT HORACE). [_Together._] Brass bottle! _What_ brass bottle? What _is_ he talking about? PRINGLE. I'm talking about the bottle he bought for you at that auction yesterday, Professor. You can surely remember _that_? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. I certainly _did_ ask him to attend a sale. [_Approaching HORACE._] But I understood you to say just now, Ventimore, that you bought nothing for me? HORACE. That is so, Professor. As I told you, I was--unlucky. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Regarding PRINGLE with dignified displeasure._] You seem to me, sir, to be endeavouring to be--ah--facetious. PRINGLE. [_Turning on him._] No more facetious, Mr. Wackerbath, than _you_ were when I saw you this morning in Ventimore's office. MR. WACKERBATH. I didn't _go_ to Mr. Ventimore's office. I entirely forgot the appointment--an unusual thing for _me_. PRINGLE. Oh, no. You did an even _more_ unusual thing. You were _there_--running about on all fours, and yelping like a dog! MR. WACKERBATH. [_Hardly believing his own ears._] Running about on all fours! Yelping like a dog! Me? _Me!_ PRINGLE. Yes, _you_. The Jinnee made you do it, if you remember, because you declined to live in that palace he built for you in a single night. And you didn't seem to like the idea of having to cross Westminster Bridge on all fours! MR. WACKERBATH. [_With dignity._] I'm afraid, sir, that when you accepted my invitation just now, you overlooked the fact that you had been dining _already_. PRINGLE. I haven't dined since last night--in that Arabian hall of Ventimore's, with black slaves to wait, and dancing-girls. Professor, _don't_ pretend you've forgotten those dancing-girls! [_Everybody speechless with indignation and surprise, except the PROFESSOR, who comes towards him with concern._ PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. [_Soothingly, to PRINGLE._] There, there--you mustn't get excited about it. [_He turns, and takes MR. WACKERBATH aside._] It's not what _you_ think. Poor fellow! _His_ only excess is overwork. [_Turning to PRINGLE again._] Now, now, Pringle, my dear fellow, you're not--not quite yourself, you know--not quite _yourself_! Take my advice and go quietly home, and ask your doctor to come and have a look at you. PRINGLE. [_Staggered._] So--so you're trying to make out now that--that I'm _mad_, are you? PROFESSOR FUTVOYE. Mad? No, no--only a little out of sorts. You've been working rather too hard, you know, that's all! All you want is a thorough rest. MR. WACKERBATH. Yes, yes. A sea-voyage, now. Trip round the world. Set you up in no time! MRS. FUTVOYE. [_Approaching PRINGLE._] _Do_ go round the world, Mr. Pringle. You'll come back cured of all these fancies! PRINGLE. [_Reeling back a step or two._] Fancies!... Ventimore! [_HORACE goes to him, while the others form a group on the left and discuss PRINGLE'S case with pitying concern._] I've been a fool--I see that now. They're not pretending--they really _have_ forgotten! HORACE. Completely. Fakrash hasn't foozled _that_--for a wonder! I ought to have included _you_; but--well, one can't think of _everything_--I forgot. I can only say I'm sorry. PRINGLE. But they all think I'm mad! [_He sinks on the sofa by fireplace._] _You_ know I'm not _that_! [_With sudden doubt._] _Am_ I? HORACE. [_Patting him on the shoulder._] Not a bit, my dear fellow,--you're as sane as I am. PRINGLE. [_With relief._] I _knew_ I was! But _tell_ 'em so--tell 'em it's all true! HORACE. I can't. They'd only think _I_ was mad, too. PRINGLE. [_In despair._] But you _must_ get me out of this somehow,--or I shall be ruined! Who'd employ a mad architect? HORACE. [_Reflecting._] I'll get you out of it, if I can. But I shall have to stretch the truth a bit,--so mind you back up everything I say. PRINGLE. I will--I will! I'll say anything, do anything! HORACE. Then here goes! [_He turns to the others, and comes towards centre._] Oh, er--Mrs. Wackerbath--[_the others break off their conversation and listen to him_]--I've found out what's the matter with Mr. Pringle,--and I know you'll all be glad to hear that it's nothing serious. [_Murmur of sympathetic relief from the others._] It seems he's been spending the afternoon with his dentist, and--[_turning to PRINGLE_]--was it two or _three_ back teeth you had out, Pringle? PRINGLE. [_Sullenly._] One. Only _one_. HORACE. [_To the others._] Only _one_. But under an anæsthetic. [_To PRINGLE, as before._] Nitrous oxide, Pringle, or ether? PRINGLE. I can't say--I didn't inquire. HORACE. [_To the others._] Naturally--he _wouldn't_ inquire. But--well, _you_ know what ef--I mean, anæsthetics _are_! ALL (EXCEPT PRINGLE). To be sure! Yes, yes. Of course! HORACE. They give you the queerest dreams. And, just before, as it happens, Mr. Pringle had been reading "The Arabian Nights." [_To PRINGLE._] You _did_ say "The Arabian Nights," didn't you? PRINGLE. "The Arabian Nights"--yes. I read it regularly. HORACE. [_To the others, airily._] Which probably accounts for his dreams. And, in some exceptional cases, the Efreets--I mean, the _effects_--don't go off altogether for hours after the operation. Mr. Pringle thinks he can't have been thoroughly awake---- PRINGLE. [_Rising._] But I am now--I am _now_! HORACE. Oh, he is _now_--quite serious and sensible, and generally himself again. [_A general murmur of polite satisfaction._ MR. WACKERBATH. [_Advancing towards PRINGLE._] I'm sure I'm very pleased to hear it, Mr. Pringle! Especially as it permits us to hope that we may still have the--ah--pleasure of your company. [_The others echo this sentiment in a somewhat half-hearted manner._ PRINGLE. You're extremely kind--but I think perhaps I shall be better at home. MRS. FUTVOYE. [_In a motherly tone._] I'm _sure_ you will, dear Mr. Pringle. What _you_ ought to do is to go to bed and get a good night's sleep. MR. WACKERBATH. [_Obviously relieved._] Ah, well, I won't insist--I won't insist. Perhaps you will give us some other evening? PRINGLE. [_With extreme stiffness._] I'm obliged to you--but I dine out very seldom. Good-night. [_He crosses to MRS. FUTVOYE and shakes hands with her, and bows to MR. and MRS. WACKERBATH, after which MR. WACKERBATH takes_ MRS. FUTVOYE up to the glazed balcony to see the river, which by this time is in bright moonlight, the PROFESSOR, after having said good-night to PRINGLE, following with MRS. WACKERBATH. PRINGLE then turns to SYLVIA, who is standing on the extreme left._] Good-night, Miss Sylvia. May I offer my congratulations? I can only hope that you may be as happy--as happy as--as _possible_. [_Faint waltz music is heard from the restaurant._ SYLVIA. [_Quietly._] Thanks so much, Mr. Pringle, I think I _shall_. [_Giving him her hand._] Good-night. [_She goes up and joins the group in the glazed balcony._ PRINGLE. Good-night. [_He turns to HORACE._] One moment, Ventimore! HORACE. Oh, I'm coming to the door with you, old fellow. [_He is about to go up with him, when PRINGLE detains him._ PRINGLE. I only wanted to ask you this. [_Lowering his voice._] Where _is_ that Jinnee of yours now? HORACE. [_Standing by the sofa by fireplace._] Well,--do you see that patch of silver on the water just above the bridge--[_pointing to the left_]--where they're all looking? PRINGLE. Yes, I see that. What _about_ it? HORACE. Only that, somewhere under that patch, old Fakrash is lying, snugly curled up inside his bottle. PRINGLE. [_Incredulously._] What! HORACE. I happen to know, because I dropped it there myself this afternoon inside a kit-bag. PRINGLE. Well, I must say I'm glad you've got rid of him. And--er--you can rely on me to keep quiet about it for the future. HORACE. [_Drily._] My dear chap, I feel _sure_ I can. PRINGLE. [_Going up to the door on right above the arch._] Good-night. [_Disconsolately._] I shall go and get something to eat at an "A.B.C." HORACE. [_Going up with him._] Good-night, old fellow. It's rough on you, but I did my _best_! PRINGLE. [_Turning on him with resentment._] You needn't have told 'em I'd had _three_ teeth out! Good-night. [_He goes out, HORACE closing the door after him. Waltz music from restaurant on right. After he has gone, MR. WACKERBATH and the others turn from the river as the SECOND WAITER enters and places a slice of melon on each plate._ MR. WACKERBATH. Oh, ready, eh? [_The FIRST WAITER enters and intimates that dinner is served._] Then shall we sit down, Mrs. Futvoye? [_He goes to the chair at the top of the table with his back to the balcony, and places MRS. FUTVOYE on his right._] Professor--[_as MRS. WACKERBATH takes the chair at the bottom of the table, facing the river_]--on my wife's left, please. Sylvia, my dear, next to me. [_SYLVIA takes the chair on MR. WACKERBATH'S left; HORACE still standing._] And you, Mr. Ventimore----[_Observing that there are two places._] Stay, there's _something_ wrong. Oh, of course! [_To the FIRST WAITER._] Take away that chair, it won't be wanted now--the other gentleman has gone. FIRST WAITER. Gone! De gentleman vat give so moch trouble? He vill not come back? MR. WACKERBATH. Come back? [_To HORACE._] You don't think your friend is likely to do _that_, eh, Mr. Ventimore? SYLVIA. Oh, I _hope_ not! [_The others assent fervently._ HORACE. [_Pausing in the act of taking the sixth chair._] It's all right. My friend--[_with a glance at the bridge on the left_]--the gentleman who gave so much trouble, is--[_with a slow smile of deep satisfaction_]--not in the least likely to come back! [_He sits down by SYLVIA as another and a louder burst of waltz music is heard from the restaurant and the curtain falls._ THE END. PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE & COMPANY LTD AT THE BALLANTYNE PRESS TAVISTOCK STREET COVENT GARDEN LONDON *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BRASS BOTTLE: A FARCICAL FANTASTIC PLAY IN FOUR ACTS *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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