The Project Gutenberg eBook of Goops and How to Be Them This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Goops and How to Be Them Author: Gelett Burgess Release date: July 8, 2011 [eBook #36664] Language: English Credits: Produced by David Edwards, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM *** Produced by David Edwards, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) [Illustration: (front cover)] GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants Inculcating many Juvenile Virtues Both by Precept and Example With Ninety Drawings By GELETT BURGESS [Illustration] NEW YORK Frederick A. Stokes Company Publishers * * * * * COPYRIGHT, 1900, BY GELETT BURGESS TWENTY-THIRD PRINTING, MAY 9, 1935 _Printed in the United States of America_ * * * * * [Illustration: _To Agnes who is Not (always) a Goop!_] [Illustration: TABLE OF CONTENTS] TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction _Page_ 1 Table Manners--I 3 Table Manners--II 5 Cleanliness 7 Neatness 9 Courtesy 11 Generosity 13 Consideration 15 Miss Manners 17 Borrowing 19 Memory 21 Books 23 Honesty 25 "Why?" 27 Bed-Time 29 Modesty 31 Disfiguration 33 Bravery 35 Tidiness 37 Patience 39 Fortitude 41 George Adolphus 43 Politeness 45 Gentleness 47 Hospitality 49 Pets 51 Remember 53 Curiosity 55 Willy 57 Clothes 59 Helpfulness 61 Quietness 63 Order 65 Teasing 67 Interruption 69 Cry-Baby 71 Caution 73 Tardiness 75 Obedience 77 Church Headaches 79 Perseverance 81 Doll-Time 83 Combing and Curling 85 Cheerfulness 87 _Of these Rhymes, ten first appeared in_ "St. Nicholas," _and are here reprinted by permission of the_ Century Company. [Illustration: Introduction] _INTRODUCTION_ Let me introduce a Race Void of Beauty and of Grace, Extraordinary Creatures With a Paucity of Features. Though their Forms are fashioned ill, They have Manners stranger still; For in Rudeness they're Precocious, They're Atrocious, they're Ferocious! Yet you'll learn, if you are Bright, Politeness from the Impolite. When you've finished with the Book, At your Conduct take a Look; Ask yourself, upon the Spot, _Are you Goop, or are you Not?_ For, although it's Fun to See them It is TERRIBLE to Be them! [Illustration] [Illustration: Table Manners.--I.] _TABLE MANNERS.--I._ The Goops they lick their fingers, And the Goops they lick their knives; They spill their broth on the tablecloth-- Oh, they lead disgusting lives! The Goops they talk while eating, And loud and fast they chew; And that is why I'm glad that I Am not a Goop--are you? [Illustration] [Illustration: Table Manners.--II.] _TABLE MANNERS.--II._ The Goops are gluttonous and rude, They gug and gumble with their food; They throw their crumbs upon the floor, And at dessert they tease for more; They will not eat their soup and bread But like to gobble sweets, instead, And this is why I oft decline, When I am asked to stay and dine! [Illustration] [Illustration: Cleanliness (top)] _CLEANLINESS_ The Goops they are spotted on chin and on cheek, You could dig the dirt off with a trowel! But _you_ wash your face twenty times every week, And you don't do it _all_ with the towel! The Goops are all dirty, and what do they do? They like to be dirty, and stay so. But if _you_ were dirty, you'd wash, wouldn't you? If you needed a bath, you would say so! [Illustration] [Illustration: Neatness] _NEATNESS_ Goops leave traces everywhere-- Gum stuck underneath the chair, Muddy footprints in the hall, Show that Goops have been to call; Shoes and stockings on the floor Show where Goops have been before! [Illustration] [Illustration: Courtesy] _COURTESY_ I wonder why it is polite In shaking hands, to give your _right_. I wonder why it is refined In passing one, to go _behind_. I wonder why it is well-bred, If you must sneeze, to turn your head. Perhaps the reason is because The Goops, they never have such laws! [Illustration] [Illustration: Generosity] _GENEROSITY_ When you have candy, do you go And give your sister half? When little brother stubs his toe, Do you look on and laugh? The greediest Goop would give away The things he didn't need-- To share the toys with which you play, That's generous, indeed! [Illustration] [Illustration: Consideration] _CONSIDERATION_ When you're old, and get to be Thirty-four or forty-three, Don't you hope that you will see Children all respect you? Will they, without being told, Wait on you, when you are old, Or be heedless, selfish, cold? I _hope_ they'll not neglect you! [Illustration] [Illustration: Miss Manners] _MISS MANNERS_ No matter how you wish For the last one on the dish, Miss Manners has a right to it, not you; And the largest one of all, Or the nicest, big or small-- Well, I think you'd better leave her _that_ one too! [Illustration] [Illustration: Borrowing] _BORROWING_ Whose doll is that on the table? Whose book is that on the chair? The knife and the pencils and other utensils, Now how do they come to be there? Didn't you say they were borrowed? You'd better take back just a few! If _you_ lent your playthings, I think you would say things If no one returned them to you! [Illustration] [Illustration: Memory] _MEMORY_ My teacher taught me, yesterday, A very pretty piece to say; But when I try to think of it, I can't remember it a bit! My head's so full of toys and such, I can't remember very much! My teacher told me yesterday "_Work when you work; Play when you play!_" When I am playing with my toys I am the busiest of boys; But when I study or I work I'm 'fraid I _am_ inclined to shirk! [Illustration] [Illustration: Books] _BOOKS_ I have a notion The Books on the shelves Are just as much persons As we are, ourselves. When you are older, You'll find this is true; You'd better be careful To make Books like you! [Illustration] [Illustration: Honesty] _HONESTY_ The boy who plays at marbles and doesn't try to cheat, Who always keeps his temper, no matter if he's beat, Is sure to be a favorite with all upon the street. The girl who counts her hundreds very fairly, when she's "it" Who doesn't peep or listen, nor turn around a bit, I'm sure she's not a Goop, in fact, she's quite the opposite! [Illustration] [Illustration: "Why?"] "_WHY?_" Josephus never yet was heard To say but just one single word! When father said to go to bed, Then "_Why?_" was all Josephus said. When mother bade him stop his play, Then "_Why?_" Josephus used to say. He always made the same reply. 'Twas never anything but "WHY?" [Illustration] [Illustration: Bed-Time] _BED-TIME_ The night is different from the day-- It's darker in the night; How can you ever hope to play When it's no longer light? When bed-time comes, it's time for you To stop, for when you're yawning, You should be dreaming what you'll do When it's to-morrow morning. [Illustration] [Illustration: Modesty] _MODESTY_ The proper time for you to show Whatever little tricks you know Is when grown people ask you to; _Then_ you may show what you can do! But sometimes mother's head will ache With all the jolly noise you make, And sometimes other people, too, Can't spend the time to play with you! [Illustration] [Illustration: Disfiguration] _DISFIGURATION_ Have you ever seen the scrawls On the fences and the walls, All the horrid little pictures and the horrid little names? Don't you think it is a shame? Are the Goops the ones to blame? Did you ever catch them playing at their horrid little games? [Illustration] [Illustration: Bravery] _BRAVERY_ It's terrible brave To try to save A girl on a runaway horse; You could do that, of course! But think of trying To keep from crying, When you're hungry and tired and cross-- You couldn't do _that_, of course! [Illustration] [Illustration: Tidiness] _TIDINESS_ Little scraps of paper, Little crumbs of food, Make a room untidy, Everywhere they're strewed. Do you sharpen pencils, Ever, on the floor? What becomes of orange-peels And your apple-core? Can you blame your mother If she looks severe. When she says, "It looks to me As if the Goops were here"? [Illustration] [Illustration: Patience] _PATIENCE_ The clock will go slow If you watch it, you know; You must work right along and forget it. So study your best Till it's time for a rest, The clock will go fast, if you let it! [Illustration] [Illustration: Fortitude] _FORTITUDE_ When you have been a naughty child, Or taken more than was your share, When you've been sulky, cross or wild, You must not say, "Oh, I don't care!" But when you hate to see it rain, And when it's time to comb your hair, And when you have a little pain, _Then_ you can say, "Oh, I don't care!" [Illustration] [Illustration: George Adolphus] _GEORGE ADOLPHUS_ Oh, think what George Adolphus did! The children point and stare. He went where mother had forbid, And said he "_didn't care!_" Oh, think what George Adolphus did! He made his mother cry! The children whoop "You are a Goop! Fie! George Adolphus, fie!" [Illustration] [Illustration: Politeness] _POLITENESS_ I think it would be lots of fun To be polite to every one; A boy would doff his little hat, A girl would curtsey, just like that! And both would use such words as these: "_Excuse me, Sir_," and "_If you please_;" Not only just at home, you know, But everywhere that they should go. [Illustration] [Illustration: Gentleness] _GENTLENESS_ When you are playing with the girls, You must not pull their pretty curls; If you are gentle when you play, You will be glad of it some day. [Illustration] [Illustration: Hospitality] _HOSPITALITY_ When a person visits you, remember he's your guest, Receive him very kindly, and be sure he has the best; Make him very comfortable and show him all your toys, And only play the games you're very sure that he enjoys. When you pay a visit, never grumble or complain, Try to be so affable they'll want you there again; Don't forget the older ones, your hostess least of all, When you're leaving tell her you have had a pleasant call! [Illustration] [Illustration: Pets] _PETS_ Almost every Goop forgets When it's time to feed his pets, 'Cause his memory fails; Listen to his wails! He is often scratched or bitten By the puppy or the kitten, 'Cause he pulls their tails! [Illustration] [Illustration: Remember] _REMEMBER_ Remember not to suck your thumb; Remember not to slam the door; Remember when the callers come To take your toys from off the floor. [Illustration] [Illustration: Curiosity] _CURIOSITY_ I think that it would help you much If you'd remember _not to touch_. The Goops do this, and they do more, They peep and listen at the door! They open bottles of cologne, And feel of parcels not their own! But there are many stupid folks Who do not care for children's jokes. [Illustration] [Illustration: Willy] _WILLY_ Willy broke the window-pane. Willy spilled the ink, Willy left the water-pipe Running in the sink! Did his mother punish him? No! I'll tell you why. Willy, he owned up to it, And didn't tell a lie! Willy told his mother Before she found it out _He_ said: "I am so sorry!" _She_ said "I have no doubt!" [Illustration] [Illustration: Clothes] _CLOTHES_ When you are playing in the dirt, You should wear clothes you cannot hurt; It will not matter, when they're worn, If they are just a _little_ torn. But when you're really nicely dressed, Be careful of your Sunday Best! You must not crawl upon your knees; Be careful of your elbows, please! [Illustration] [Illustration: Helpfulness] _HELPFULNESS_ I never knew a Goop to help his mother, I never knew a Goop to help his dad, And they never do a thing for one another; They are actually, absolutely bad! If you ask a Goop to go and post a letter, Or to run upon an errand, _how_ they act! But somehow I imagine you are better, And you _try_ to go, and _cry_ to go, in fact! [Illustration] [Illustration: Quietness] _QUIETNESS_ Hush! for your father is reading. Hush! for your mother is ill. Hush! for the baby Is sleeping, and may be He'll catch a nice dream if you're still. Kiss me, and promise you will! [Illustration] [Illustration: Order] _ORDER_ Make your soldiers march away, When you're finished with your play. Lead them to the barrack-box, Make them carry all your blocks. Teach your doll to go to bed, Not to lie about instead; Tell her she must clear away Everything she's used to-day. All your playthings and your toys Must be trained like girls and boys! [Illustration] [Illustration: Teasing] _TEASING_ Tease to linger longer when your mother bids you go; Tease to have a penny when your father answers, "No!" Tease to have a story when your uncle doesn't please; That's the way to be a Goop--_tease, tease, tease!_ Hint about the carriage when there's only room for three; Hint about the toys you like and every doll you see; Hint about the candy, say you're fond of peppermint; That's the way to be a Goop--_hint, hint, hint!_ [Illustration] [Illustration: Interruption] _INTERRUPTION_ Don't interrupt your father when he's telling funny jokes; Don't interrupt your mother when she's entertaining folks; Don't interrupt the visitors when they have come to call,-- In fact, it's generally wiser not to interrupt at all. [Illustration] [Illustration: Cry-Baby] _CRY-BABY_ I'm sure that I would rather die Than have my playmates see me cry; It twists your face And knots your forehead, And makes you look all cross and horrid; And every one who sees you cries "What _is_ the matter with your eyes?" [Illustration] [Illustration: Caution] _CAUTION_ When you travel in the street, Are you cautious and discreet? Do you look about for horses When your little brother crosses? Do you go the shortest way, Never stopping once to play? [Illustration] [Illustration: Tardiness] _TARDINESS_ Goodness gracious sakes alive! Mother said, "Come home at five!" Now the clock is striking six, I am in a norful fix! She will think I can't be trusted, And she'll say that she's disgusted! [Illustration] [Illustration: Obedience] _OBEDIENCE_ The Goops are very hard to kill, So they hang out the Window-sill; Down the Banisters they slide-- _I_ could do it if I tried; But when Mother tells me "don't," Then, of course I really won't! [Illustration] [Illustration: Church Headaches (top)] _CHURCH HEADACHES_ When 'tis time to go to church Do you ever have a chill? When 'tis time to go to school, Do you fancy you are ill? Oh, be very cautious, please, I can tell by signs like these You have got the Goop Disease! [Illustration] [Illustration: Perseverance] _PERSEVERANCE_ Tony started bright and early, clearing up his room, Soon he found he had to stop and make a little broom; [Illustration] So then he went into the yard to get a little stick, But the garden needed weeding, so he set about it, quick! [Illustration] Then he found his wagon he intended to repair, So he went into the cellar for the hammer that was there; [Illustration] He'd just begun to build a box, when it was time for dinner; And that's why Tony's father called his son a "_good beginner_." [Illustration] [Illustration: Doll-Time] _DOLL-TIME_ Spring's the time for marbles And Fall's the time for tops, But boys don't know, they only go By seeing them in shops! They like a sled in Winter, In Summer 'tis a kite; But dolls are found the whole year round And every day and night! [Illustration] [Illustration: Combing & Curling] _COMBING & CURLING_ _When your mother combs your hair,_ _Here's a rhyme for you to say:_ _If you try it, I declare,_ _It will take the snarls away!_ In the ocean of my hair, Many little waves are there; Make the comb, a little boat, Over all the billows float; Sail the rough and tangled tide Till it's smooth on every side, Till, like other little girls, I've a sea of wavy curls! [Illustration] [Illustration: Cheerfulness] _CHEERFULNESS_ Now the book, is finished (It's too long by half, Mere didactic chaff), One more rule won't hurt you: When you practise Virtue, Do it with a laugh! [Illustration] End of Project Gutenberg's Goops and How to Be Them, by Gelett Burgess *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. 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