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[Illustration: (front cover)]






GOOPS AND HOW TO BE THEM

  A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants
  Inculcating many Juvenile Virtues
  Both by Precept and Example
  With Ninety Drawings


By GELETT BURGESS

[Illustration]

  NEW YORK
  Frederick A. Stokes Company
  Publishers

       *       *       *       *       *

COPYRIGHT, 1900, BY GELETT BURGESS

TWENTY-THIRD PRINTING, MAY 9, 1935

_Printed in the United States of America_

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _To Agnes who is Not (always) a Goop!_]

[Illustration: TABLE OF CONTENTS]




TABLE OF CONTENTS


  Introduction                                          _Page_ 1
  Table Manners--I                                             3
  Table Manners--II                                            5
  Cleanliness                                                  7
  Neatness                                                     9
  Courtesy                                                    11
  Generosity                                                  13
  Consideration                                               15
  Miss Manners                                                17
  Borrowing                                                   19
  Memory                                                      21
  Books                                                       23
  Honesty                                                     25
  "Why?"                                                      27
  Bed-Time                                                    29
  Modesty                                                     31
  Disfiguration                                               33
  Bravery                                                     35
  Tidiness                                                    37
  Patience                                                    39
  Fortitude                                                   41
  George Adolphus                                             43
  Politeness                                                  45
  Gentleness                                                  47
  Hospitality                                                 49
  Pets                                                        51
  Remember                                                    53
  Curiosity                                                   55
  Willy                                                       57
  Clothes                                                     59
  Helpfulness                                                 61
  Quietness                                                   63
  Order                                                       65
  Teasing                                                     67
  Interruption                                                69
  Cry-Baby                                                    71
  Caution                                                     73
  Tardiness                                                   75
  Obedience                                                   77
  Church Headaches                                            79
  Perseverance                                                81
  Doll-Time                                                   83
  Combing and Curling                                         85
  Cheerfulness                                                87

_Of these Rhymes, ten first appeared in_ "St. Nicholas," _and are here
reprinted by permission of the_ Century Company.


[Illustration: Introduction]




_INTRODUCTION_


    Let me introduce a Race
    Void of Beauty and of Grace,
    Extraordinary Creatures
    With a Paucity of Features.
    Though their Forms are fashioned ill,
    They have Manners stranger still;
    For in Rudeness they're Precocious,
    They're Atrocious, they're Ferocious!
    Yet you'll learn, if you are Bright,
    Politeness from the Impolite.
    When you've finished with the Book,
    At your Conduct take a Look;
    Ask yourself, upon the Spot,
    _Are you Goop, or are you Not?_
    For, although it's Fun to See them
    It is TERRIBLE to Be them!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Table Manners.--I.]




_TABLE MANNERS.--I._


  The Goops they lick their fingers,
    And the Goops they lick their knives;
  They spill their broth on the tablecloth--
    Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
  The Goops they talk while eating,
    And loud and fast they chew;
  And that is why I'm glad that I
    Am not a Goop--are you?


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Table Manners.--II.]




_TABLE MANNERS.--II._


  The Goops are gluttonous and rude,
  They gug and gumble with their food;
  They throw their crumbs upon the floor,
  And at dessert they tease for more;
  They will not eat their soup and bread
  But like to gobble sweets, instead,
  And this is why I oft decline,
  When I am asked to stay and dine!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Cleanliness (top)]




_CLEANLINESS_


  The Goops they are spotted on chin and on cheek,
    You could dig the dirt off with a trowel!
  But _you_ wash your face twenty times every week,
    And you don't do it _all_ with the towel!

  The Goops are all dirty, and what do they do?
    They like to be dirty, and stay so.
  But if _you_ were dirty, you'd wash, wouldn't you?
    If you needed a bath, you would say so!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Neatness]




_NEATNESS_


  Goops leave traces everywhere--
  Gum stuck underneath the chair,
  Muddy footprints in the hall,
  Show that Goops have been to call;
  Shoes and stockings on the floor
  Show where Goops have been before!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Courtesy]




_COURTESY_


  I wonder why it is polite
  In shaking hands, to give your _right_.
  I wonder why it is refined
  In passing one, to go _behind_.
  I wonder why it is well-bred,
  If you must sneeze, to turn your head.
  Perhaps the reason is because
  The Goops, they never have such laws!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Generosity]




_GENEROSITY_


  When you have candy, do you go
    And give your sister half?
  When little brother stubs his toe,
    Do you look on and laugh?

  The greediest Goop would give away
    The things he didn't need--
  To share the toys with which you play,
    That's generous, indeed!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Consideration]




_CONSIDERATION_


  When you're old, and get to be
  Thirty-four or forty-three,
  Don't you hope that you will see
    Children all respect you?

  Will they, without being told,
  Wait on you, when you are old,
  Or be heedless, selfish, cold?
    I _hope_ they'll not neglect you!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Miss Manners]




_MISS MANNERS_


  No matter how you wish
  For the last one on the dish,
  Miss Manners has a right to it, not you;
  And the largest one of all,
  Or the nicest, big or small--
  Well, I think you'd better leave her _that_ one too!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Borrowing]




_BORROWING_


  Whose doll is that on the table?
    Whose book is that on the chair?
  The knife and the pencils and other utensils,
    Now how do they come to be there?

  Didn't you say they were borrowed?
    You'd better take back just a few!
  If _you_ lent your playthings, I think you would say things
    If no one returned them to you!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Memory]




_MEMORY_


  My teacher taught me, yesterday,
  A very pretty piece to say;
  But when I try to think of it,
  I can't remember it a bit!
  My head's so full of toys and such,
  I can't remember very much!

  My teacher told me yesterday
  "_Work when you work; Play when you play!_"
  When I am playing with my toys
  I am the busiest of boys;
  But when I study or I work
  I'm 'fraid I _am_ inclined to shirk!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Books]




_BOOKS_


  I have a notion
    The Books on the shelves
  Are just as much persons
    As we are, ourselves.

  When you are older,
    You'll find this is true;
  You'd better be careful
    To make Books like you!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Honesty]




_HONESTY_


  The boy who plays at marbles and doesn't try to cheat,
  Who always keeps his temper, no matter if he's beat,
  Is sure to be a favorite with all upon the street.

  The girl who counts her hundreds very fairly, when she's "it"
  Who doesn't peep or listen, nor turn around a bit,
  I'm sure she's not a Goop, in fact, she's quite the opposite!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Why?"]




"_WHY?_"


  Josephus never yet was heard
  To say but just one single word!
  When father said to go to bed,
  Then "_Why?_" was all Josephus said.
  When mother bade him stop his play,
  Then "_Why?_" Josephus used to say.
  He always made the same reply.
  'Twas never anything but "WHY?"


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Bed-Time]




_BED-TIME_


  The night is different from the day--
  It's darker in the night;
  How can you ever hope to play
  When it's no longer light?

  When bed-time comes, it's time for you
  To stop, for when you're yawning,
  You should be dreaming what you'll do
  When it's to-morrow morning.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Modesty]




_MODESTY_


  The proper time for you to show
  Whatever little tricks you know
  Is when grown people ask you to;
  _Then_ you may show what you can do!
  But sometimes mother's head will ache
  With all the jolly noise you make,
  And sometimes other people, too,
  Can't spend the time to play with you!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Disfiguration]




_DISFIGURATION_

      Have you ever seen the scrawls
      On the fences and the walls,
  All the horrid little pictures and the horrid little names?
      Don't you think it is a shame?
      Are the Goops the ones to blame?
  Did you ever catch them playing at their horrid little games?


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Bravery]




_BRAVERY_


      It's terrible brave
      To try to save
  A girl on a runaway horse;
  You could do that, of course!
      But think of trying
      To keep from crying,
  When you're hungry and tired and cross--
  You couldn't do _that_, of course!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Tidiness]




_TIDINESS_


  Little scraps of paper,
    Little crumbs of food,
  Make a room untidy,
    Everywhere they're strewed.

  Do you sharpen pencils,
    Ever, on the floor?
  What becomes of orange-peels
    And your apple-core?

  Can you blame your mother
    If she looks severe.
  When she says, "It looks to me
  As if the Goops were here"?


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Patience]




_PATIENCE_


  The clock will go slow
  If you watch it, you know;
    You must work right along and forget it.
  So study your best
  Till it's time for a rest,
    The clock will go fast, if you let it!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Fortitude]




_FORTITUDE_


  When you have been a naughty child,
    Or taken more than was your share,
  When you've been sulky, cross or wild,
    You must not say, "Oh, I don't care!"

  But when you hate to see it rain,
    And when it's time to comb your hair,
  And when you have a little pain,
    _Then_ you can say, "Oh, I don't care!"


[Illustration]

[Illustration: George Adolphus]




_GEORGE ADOLPHUS_


  Oh, think what George Adolphus did!
    The children point and stare.
  He went where mother had forbid,
    And said he "_didn't care!_"

  Oh, think what George Adolphus did!
    He made his mother cry!
  The children whoop "You are a Goop!
    Fie! George Adolphus, fie!"


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Politeness]




_POLITENESS_


  I think it would be lots of fun
  To be polite to every one;
  A boy would doff his little hat,
  A girl would curtsey, just like that!

  And both would use such words as these:
  "_Excuse me, Sir_," and "_If you please_;"
  Not only just at home, you know,
  But everywhere that they should go.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Gentleness]




_GENTLENESS_


  When you are playing with the girls,
  You must not pull their pretty curls;
  If you are gentle when you play,
  You will be glad of it some day.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Hospitality]




_HOSPITALITY_


  When a person visits you, remember he's your guest,
  Receive him very kindly, and be sure he has the best;
  Make him very comfortable and show him all your toys,
  And only play the games you're very sure that he enjoys.

  When you pay a visit, never grumble or complain,
  Try to be so affable they'll want you there again;
  Don't forget the older ones, your hostess least of all,
  When you're leaving tell her you have had a pleasant call!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Pets]




_PETS_


  Almost every Goop forgets
  When it's time to feed his pets,
    'Cause his memory fails;

    Listen to his wails!
  He is often scratched or bitten
  By the puppy or the kitten,
    'Cause he pulls their tails!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Remember]




_REMEMBER_


  Remember not to suck your thumb;
    Remember not to slam the door;
  Remember when the callers come
    To take your toys from off the floor.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Curiosity]




_CURIOSITY_


  I think that it would help you much
  If you'd remember _not to touch_.
  The Goops do this, and they do more,
  They peep and listen at the door!
  They open bottles of cologne,
  And feel of parcels not their own!
  But there are many stupid folks
  Who do not care for children's jokes.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Willy]




_WILLY_


  Willy broke the window-pane.
    Willy spilled the ink,
  Willy left the water-pipe
    Running in the sink!

  Did his mother punish him?
    No! I'll tell you why.
  Willy, he owned up to it,
    And didn't tell a lie!

  Willy told his mother
    Before she found it out
  _He_ said: "I am so sorry!"
    _She_ said "I have no doubt!"


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Clothes]




_CLOTHES_


  When you are playing in the dirt,
  You should wear clothes you cannot hurt;
  It will not matter, when they're worn,
  If they are just a _little_ torn.

  But when you're really nicely dressed,
  Be careful of your Sunday Best!
  You must not crawl upon your knees;
  Be careful of your elbows, please!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Helpfulness]




_HELPFULNESS_


  I never knew a Goop to help his mother,
  I never knew a Goop to help his dad,
  And they never do a thing for one another;
  They are actually, absolutely bad!

  If you ask a Goop to go and post a letter,
  Or to run upon an errand, _how_ they act!
  But somehow I imagine you are better,
  And you _try_ to go, and _cry_ to go, in fact!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Quietness]




_QUIETNESS_


  Hush! for your father is reading.
  Hush! for your mother is ill.
    Hush! for the baby
    Is sleeping, and may be
  He'll catch a nice dream if you're still.
  Kiss me, and promise you will!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Order]




_ORDER_


  Make your soldiers march away,
  When you're finished with your play.
  Lead them to the barrack-box,
  Make them carry all your blocks.
  Teach your doll to go to bed,
  Not to lie about instead;
  Tell her she must clear away
  Everything she's used to-day.
  All your playthings and your toys
  Must be trained like girls and boys!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Teasing]





_TEASING_


  Tease to linger longer when your mother bids you go;
  Tease to have a penny when your father answers, "No!"
  Tease to have a story when your uncle doesn't please;
  That's the way to be a Goop--_tease, tease, tease!_

  Hint about the carriage when there's only room for three;
  Hint about the toys you like and every doll you see;
  Hint about the candy, say you're fond of peppermint;
  That's the way to be a Goop--_hint, hint, hint!_


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Interruption]




_INTERRUPTION_


  Don't interrupt your father when he's telling funny jokes;
  Don't interrupt your mother when she's entertaining folks;
  Don't interrupt the visitors when they have come to call,--
  In fact, it's generally wiser not to interrupt at all.


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Cry-Baby]




_CRY-BABY_


  I'm sure that I would rather die
  Than have my playmates see me cry;
      It twists your face
      And knots your forehead,
  And makes you look all cross and horrid;
  And every one who sees you cries
  "What _is_ the matter with your eyes?"


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Caution]




_CAUTION_


  When you travel in the street,
  Are you cautious and discreet?
  Do you look about for horses
  When your little brother crosses?
  Do you go the shortest way,
  Never stopping once to play?


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Tardiness]




_TARDINESS_


  Goodness gracious sakes alive!
  Mother said, "Come home at five!"
  Now the clock is striking six,
  I am in a norful fix!
  She will think I can't be trusted,
  And she'll say that she's disgusted!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Obedience]




_OBEDIENCE_


  The Goops are very hard to kill,
  So they hang out the Window-sill;
  Down the Banisters they slide--
  _I_ could do it if I tried;
  But when Mother tells me "don't,"
  Then, of course I really won't!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Church Headaches (top)]




_CHURCH HEADACHES_


  When 'tis time to go to church
    Do you ever have a chill?
  When 'tis time to go to school,
    Do you fancy you are ill?
  Oh, be very cautious, please,
  I can tell by signs like these
  You have got the Goop Disease!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Perseverance]




_PERSEVERANCE_


  Tony started bright and early, clearing up his room,
  Soon he found he had to stop and make a little broom;

[Illustration]

  So then he went into the yard to get a little stick,
  But the garden needed weeding, so he set about it, quick!

[Illustration]

  Then he found his wagon he intended to repair,
  So he went into the cellar for the hammer that was there;

[Illustration]

  He'd just begun to build a box, when it was time for dinner;
  And that's why Tony's father called his son a "_good beginner_."


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Doll-Time]




_DOLL-TIME_


  Spring's the time for marbles
    And Fall's the time for tops,
  But boys don't know, they only go
    By seeing them in shops!

  They like a sled in Winter,
    In Summer 'tis a kite;
  But dolls are found the whole year round
    And every day and night!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Combing & Curling]




_COMBING & CURLING_


  _When your mother combs your hair,_
    _Here's a rhyme for you to say:_
  _If you try it, I declare,_
    _It will take the snarls away!_

  In the ocean of my hair,
  Many little waves are there;
  Make the comb, a little boat,
  Over all the billows float;
  Sail the rough and tangled tide
  Till it's smooth on every side,
  Till, like other little girls,
  I've a sea of wavy curls!


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Cheerfulness]




_CHEERFULNESS_


  Now the book, is finished
      (It's too long by half,
      Mere didactic chaff),
  One more rule won't hurt you:
  When you practise Virtue,
      Do it with a laugh!


[Illustration]






End of Project Gutenberg's Goops and How to Be Them, by Gelett Burgess