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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 105, August 19TH 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_




POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. "BLAZY BILL; OR, THE BICYCLE CAD."

AIR--"_Daisy Bell; or, a Bicycle made for Two._"

[Illustration]

"The churl in nature up and down" is perennial and ubiquitous. Like
the god Vishnu, he has many avatars. Every new development of popular
pastime (for instance) developes its own particular species of "Cad."
LEECH'S "Galloping Snob" of a quarter of a century ago has been
succeeded by that Jehu of the "Bike," the Cycling Cad, to whose
endearing manners and customs in the Queen's highway, and elsewhere,
the long-suffering pedestrian is persuaded a laggard Law will shortly
have to find its attention urgently directed. _Mr. Punch_, who is of
the same opinion, adapts Mr. HARRY DACRE'S popular song to what he is
convinced will be a popular purpose.

_Perturbed Pedestrian sings_:--

  There is a fear within my heart,
      BLAZY! BLAZY!
  Planted one day with a demon dart.
      Planted by BLAZY BILL.
  Whether he'll kill me, or kill me not,
      Smash me or only spill,
  Little I know, but I'd give a lot
      To be rescued from BLAZY BILL.

  _Chorus_--

  BLAZY! BLAZY!
    Give me a chance, Sir, do!
  I'm half crazy,
    All for the fear of you.
  You haven't a stylish way, Sir,
  I can't admire that "blazer"
      (Which you think sweet).
      The curse of the street
  Is the Bicycle Cad--like you!

  You rattle along as though for your life,
        BLAZY! BLAZY!
  Pedalling madly, with mischief rife,
        Blundering BLAZY BILL!
  When the road's dark we need Argus sight,
    Your bell and your lamp do nil
  But dazzle our eyes and our ears affright,
    Blustering BLAZY BILL!

  _Chorus_--

  BLAZY! BLAZY!
    Bother your "biking" crew!
  I'm half crazy,
    All for sheer dread of you.
  I can't afford a carriage,
  If I walk--in Brixton or Harwich--
      The curse of the street,
      I am sure to meet
  In a Bicycle Cad like you!

  Why should we stand this wheel-bred woe?
    BLAZY! BLAZY!
  Yes, your vile bell you will ring, I know,
    _Suddenly_, BLAZY BILL,
  When you're close on my heels, and a trip I make,
    And, unless I skedaddle with skill,
  I'm over before you have put on the brake,
    Half-fuddled BLAZY BILL!

  _Chorus_--

  BLAZY! BLAZY!
    Turn up wild wheeling, do!
  I'm half crazy,
    All in blue funk of you.
  The Galloping Snob was a curse, Sir,
  But the Walloping Wheelman's a worser.
    I'd subscribe my quid
    To be thoroughly rid
  Of all Bicycle Cads like you!

       *       *       *       *       *

SHOOTING THE CHUTES.

(_After Southey._)

A VISION OF EARL'S COURT.

            Here they go hurrying,
            Up the steps scurrying,
            Pushing and jostling,
            Elbowing, hustling,
  Squeezing and wheezing they rush to the top.
            Puffing and panting,
            Tearing and ranting,
  (First-rate for Banting,) onward they climb.
            Up on the landing,
            Scarce room for standing,
  Man is commanding, "There you must stop!
            Don't cross the railing,
            Keep to the paling;
            Place for two more, Sirs,
            Go on before, Sirs;
  List to the roar, Sirs--ain't it sublime!
      Tuck in the mackintosh,
      Hold tight, Sir!" "Oh, what bosh!"
            Side by side seated,
            Breathless and heated,
            Freezing and sneezing,
            Down the Chute shooting,
            Yelling and hooting,
  'ARRY and 'ARRIET, Princess and Peer,
  White man and black man and Injun to steer.
  "_You're sure there's no danger?_" "There's nothing to fear."
  "_Are babies admitted?_" "O no, mum, not 'ere."
          And waving and raving,
          And beaming and steaming,
          And laughing and chaffing,
          And thumping and bumping,
          And plumping and jumping,
          And spinning and grinning,
          And chattering and clattering,
  And blushing and gushing and rushing and flushing,
  And bawling and sprawling and hauling and calling,
  And foaming, bemoaning a bonnet dropped off,
  Not hearing the jeering of people who scoff,
  The peril of spilling delightfully thrilling,
  Tho' incivil devil's instilling cavilling;
  And screaming, not dreaming of being upset,
  And splashing and dashing and dripping with wet,
  And screeching and reaching for hat blown away,
    Excited, affrighted, delighted, benighted,
    And calling and bawling Hurrah and Hurray!
  "And so never ending  but always descending
  Sounds and motions for ever and ever are blending;"
  All at once all is o'er, with a mighty uproar,
  And drenched and bedraggled they land on the shore.

       *       *       *       *       *

"LETHE HAD PASSED HER LIPS."--Mrs. R. had often come across the name
of this classic stream in the course of her reading. She pronounced
it as one syllable, and said that "as this celebrated river was in
Scotland--she knew the name quite well--what she wanted to know was,
why weren't these waters bottled by a Company?"

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE SEASIDE CHURCH PARADE.

(_A Conversation à la Mode._)

_He._ So very glad to see you. (_Aside._) Hope she won't shut me up,
she's so sharp!

_She._ Quite pleased to have met. (_Aside._) Can't stand much of him,
he's so stupid!

_He._ I suppose when you were in town you went to the Academy?

_She._ Yes, and saw all the pictures--and didn't like them.

_He._ And went to the Opera?

_She._ Yes, every night--and am tired of talking about it.

_He._ And of course you went to Henley?

_She._ Yes, and to the Eton and Harrow Match, and to Ascot, and to
Wimbledon to see the Lawn Tennis finals.

_He._ But perhaps you never went to the House of Commons?

_She._ Oh, yes, I did--on the Terrace, and also to the Ladies'
Gallery. The rows were most amusing--saw them all.

_He._ And did you go to many parties?

_She._ To every party of any consequence, and all the really nice
dinners.

_He._ Were you at the Royal Wedding?

_She._ Oh, don't talk of that. The subject is quite exhausted. (_After
a pause._) Pray, have you no conversation?

_He._ Well, I don't know. I suppose you went to church this morning,
and heard the Dean preach?

_She._ Oh, I really must beg your pardon. If you can't find anything
better to talk about on a Sunday than the points of a sermon you had
far better say nothing at all.

[_Scene closes in upon an unbroken silence._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NEW KING COAL.

    (_A new Mining-Capitalist Version of an old Nursery Rhyme,
    dedicated and commended to the thoughtful consideration of the
    colliers on strike in Northumberland and Durham._)]

    [Putting it in the form of a conundrum, _Mr. Punch_ would ask
    the Colliers who may read this rhyme the following question,
    the answer to which may throw a light upon the meaning of New
    King COAL'S jubilant doggerel ditty:--

    "When prices rise--even in the midst of the Dog Days--and the
    output of first-class coal falls, who reaps the advantage of
    the enhanced value and readier sale of accumulated stocks of
    small and slaggy 'rubbish'?"]

  O our New King COAL
  Is an artful old soul,
    And an artful old soul is he;
  And a jolly good Strike
  Is a game he must like--
    When it pulls in the £ _s._ _d._
  He calls for his "weed" and he calls for his "fizz,"
    And he calls for his--Fiddle-de-dee!
  Every fiddler has his own little fiddle,
    And a very fine fiddle has he.

  "£ _s._ _d._, £ _s._ _d._," sings King COAL, "Fiddle-de-dee!
  Oh! an opportune Strike is the thing for me!"
    O, there's none so rare
    As can compare
  With King COAL and _his_ Fiddle-de-dee!

       *       *       *       *       *

ROBERT AT GILDALL.

Ah, wot a change has suddenly cum over the hold Copperation! From
sitch recepshuns of Kings and Queens, and Princes and Princesses, and
Royal Dooks and Dutchesses, and Zarrowitches and setterer, and all in
their werry best clothes, too! as I never witnessed before nor since,
to cum suddenly upon nuffin but Gog and Magog, is a strikin fac
indeed. As the Rite onerabel Lord MARE werry propperly said, "Ah wot a
fall is here my Country-men!"

And what a blooming staggerer it was to finish off with the King and
Queen of DENMARK! of all people in the World! Why I has allers been
tort to bleeve, from what I have seen at the Play, that neether on em
wornt not werry great things as regards behaviour to the poor _Prince
Hamblet_, but BROWN says as that's all over long, long ago, and isn't
to be spoke of no more, no, not for ever! and so we must drop it. I
think, upon the hole, as I likes the PRINCE OF WALES the best of all
on em, he does allers seem to enjy hisself so much.

We had him in the City wunce at Church, and twice at Gildall to
dinner, all in about a munth, and that ain't so bad for a near
aparrent. And he does seem allers so much atome. Why I acshally
overherd him say to our Blushing Town Clark, after dining the King of
DENMARK, "How well you have dun it all, but you allers do it well at
Gildall!"

I wunder how many hundred sentries it will be before he says ditto to
the Cheerman of the Country Counsel, poor feller! after sitch a dinner
to sitch a company? Praps about another 700! ROBERT.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN UNEARNED INCREMENT.

_Our Irish Curate (persuasively)._ "NOW, DOCTOR DEAR, HERE 'S THE VERY
THING. YE'VE BEEN GIVING A TENTH OF YOUR INCOME, LIKE A MAN. WELL,
NOW, TIMES ARE BAD. DOUBLE IT, AND GIVE A TWENTIETH!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OFF AND ON.--She had been longing for a new dress. At last the extra
money was saved, and she bought it. "It's off my mind now," she
exclaimed, "and, which pleases me more, it's on my body."

       *       *       *       *       *

ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.

--The advertisement of an hotel in Germany concludes, after praising
everything highly, with this sentence--"_Accomplished drinks,
captivating meats._"

       *       *       *       *       *

FRENCH TRANSLATION OF AN OLD PLAY CALLED "LOVE'S LAST SHIFT."--"_La
dernière Chemise de l'Amour._"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TOUR THAT NEVER WAS.

(_By an Undecided Man._)

  Between now and my holidays there but remain two solid days,
    And thinking where I'll spend my "vac" has driven me wild with worry;
  In vain have I surveyed acres of plans and maps and Bædekers,
    And purchased a small library of "Handy Guides" of MURRAY.

  Shall I, for want of better, say I'll view the Vierwaldstättersee,
    Or watch the Staubbach fall in mist like web of an arachnid?
  Or else, the dawn to see, get up o'ernight upon the Righi-top--
    But no, I feel that Jödel-land is now a trifle hackneyed!

  For a flutter at _chemin-de-fer_ I might (the place is handy) fare
    To Trouville, and along the _plage_ a "Milor" on the spree be;
  I could in Teuton _musikshaus_ (till I of Wagner grew sick) souse
    In "Hofbräu," and essay to flirt with each _biergarten_ Hebe.

  But then, if I to Norway turn, as Ibsenite I'd _more_ weight earn--
    And salmon-fishing mid the Kvæns is certainly high-class sport;
  Or rumble in a tarantass o'er Russia? No, an arrant ass
    I were, to go where night and day you're badgered for your passport!

  I'd like (my programme's large), a panoramic glimpse of far Japan
    From Fuji, and round Biwa Lake I'd in a jinrickshaw go;
  Or even--for a hasty bet--I'd (like Miss TAYLOR) pace Thibet,
    Or "blue" my surplus cash at what the Yankees call "Shecawgo."

  Look here! I'll have to sham a tour (though but a humble amatoor
    At yarning), as this sort of thing is giving me the fidgets!
  I'll--since I've eased my intellect by tripping thus in print--elect
    To stay at home and twiddle (for the sake of rhyme) my digits!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PLACE FOR LAWN TENNIS.--"_Way down in Tennessee._"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TWO POTS.

(_A Morality for Mammon._)

  When Mammon in commerce has "made a big pot,"
  He is free to "retire upon what he has got,"
  And what need he care for the children of toil
  Who have helped in their hundreds that "big pot" to boil?
            Pot! Pot! Gushers talk rot;
            But Demas "retires upon what he has got."

  How did he get it, that pot full of gold?
  That is a story that's yet to be told.
  Children of Gibeon helped, 'tis well known,
  At filling _his_ pot--barely boiling their own!
            Pot! Pot! How to keep hot--
            That is the problem--the poor man's pot!

  Poor _pot-au-feu_! 'Tis to keep you a-boil
  Hewers and Drawers so ceaselessly toil;
  But when they've filled Wealth's big pot full of gold,
  What does he care if _their_ pot becomes cold.
            Pot! Pot! Let the poor go--_to_ pot.
            Mammon--"retires upon what he has got!"

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R.--She is very tender-hearted. "Of course," she says, "it's very
nice of what they call 'The Forsters' parents--though why 'Forster' I
don't know. But certainly, even when they're brought up as one of the
family of the Forsters, yet it does make me feel very sad when I see
an adapted child."

       *       *       *       *       *

MORAL AND SOCIAL QUERIES.--When a man has lost his own character, is
he justified in taking away anybody else's? At a party if somebody has
taken away your hat, aren't you justified in taking somebody else's?

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.

(_By Cunnin Toil._)

No. II.--THE DUKE'S FEATHER.

Two months had passed without my hearing a word of HOLES. I knew he
had been summoned to Irkoutsk by the CZAR of Russia in order to help
in investigating the extraordinary theft of one of the Government
silver mines, which had completely and mysteriously disappeared in
one night. All the best intellects of the terrible secret police, the
third section of the Government of the Russian Empire, had exhausted
themselves in the vain endeavour to probe this mystery to the bottom.
Their failure had produced a dangerous commotion in the Empire of the
CZAR; there were rumours of a vast Nihilist plot, which was to shake
the Autocracy to its foundations, and, as a last resource, the CZAR,
who had been introduced to HOLES by OLGA FIASKOFFSKAIA, the well-known
Russian Secret Agent at the Court of Lisbon, had appealed to the
famous detective to lend his aid in discovering the authors of a crime
which was beginning to turn the great white CZAR into ridicule in all
the bazaars of Central Asia. HOLES, whose great mind had been lying
fallow for some little time, had immediately consented; and the last
I had seen of him was two months before the period at which this story
opens, when I had said good-bye to him at Charing-Cross Station.

As for myself, I was spending a week in a farmhouse situated close to
the village of Blobley-in-the-Marsh. Three miles from the gates of the
farmhouse lay Fourcastle Towers, the ancestral mansion of Rear-Admiral
the Duke of DUMPSHIRE, the largest and strangest landowner of the
surrounding district. I had a nodding acquaintance with His Grace,
whom I had once attended for scarlatina when he was a midshipman.
Since that time, however, I had seen very little of him, and, to tell
the truth, I had made no great effort to improve the acquaintance. The
Duke, one of the haughtiest members of our blue-blooded aristocracy,
had been called by his naval duties to all parts of the habitable
globe; I had steadily pursued my medical studies, and, except for the
biennial visit which etiquette demanded, I had seen little or nothing
of the Duke. My stay at the farmhouse was for purposes of rest. I had
been overworked, that old tulwar wound, the only memento of the Afghan
Campaign, had been troubling me, and I was glad to be able to throw
off my cares and my black coat, and to revel for a week in the rustic
and unconventional simplicity of Wurzelby Farm.

One evening, two days after my arrival, I was sitting in the kitchen
close to the fire, which, like myself, was smoking. For greater
comfort I had put on my old mess-jacket. The winter wind was whistling
outside, but besides that only the ticking of the kitchen clock
disturbed my meditations. I was just thinking how I should begin my
article on Modern Medicine for the _Fortnightly Review_, when a slight
cough at my elbow caused me to turn round. Beside me stood PICKLOCK
HOLES, wrapped in a heavy, close-fitting fur _moujik_. He was the
first to speak.

[Illustration: "Beside me stood Picklock Holes, wrapped in a heavy,
close-fitting fur _moujik_."]

"You seem surprised to see me," he said. "Well, perhaps that is
natural; but really, my dear fellow, you might employ your time to
better purpose than in trying to guess the number of words in the
first leading article in the _Times_ of the day before yesterday."

I was about to protest when he stopped me.

"I know perfectly well what you are going to say, but it is useless
to urge that the country is dull, and that a man must employ his brain
somehow. That kind of employment is the merest wool-gathering."

He plucked a small piece of Berlin worsted--I had been darning my
socks--off my left trouser, and examined it curiously. My admiration
for the man knew no bounds.

"Is that how you know?" I asked. "Do you mean to tell me that merely
by seeing that small piece of fancy wool on my trousers you guessed
I had been trying to calculate the number of words in the _Times_
leader? HOLES, HOLES, will you never cease from astounding me?"

He did not answer me, but bared his muscular arm and injected into it
a strong dose of morphia with a richly-chased little gold instrument
tipped with a ruby.

"A gift from the CZAR," said HOLES, in answer to my unspoken thoughts.
"When I discovered the missing silver-mine on board the yacht of
the Grand Duke IVANOFF, his Imperial Majesty first offered me the
Chancellorship of his dominions, but I begged him to excuse me, and
asked for this pretty toy. Bah, the Russian police are bunglers."

As he made this remark the door opened and Sergeant BLUFF of the
Dumpshire Constabulary entered hurriedly.

"I beg your pardon, Sir," he said, addressing me, with evident
perturbation; "but would you step outside with me for a moment.
There's been some strange work down at----"

HOLES interrupted him.

"Don't say any more," he broke in. "You've come to tell us about the
dreadful poaching affray in Hagley Wood. I know all about it, and
tired as I am I'll help you to find the criminals."

It was amusing to watch the Sergeant's face. He was ordinarily
an unemotional man, but as HOLES spoke to him he grew purple with
astonishment.

"Beggin' your pardon, Sir," he said; "I didn't know about no----"

"My name is HOLES," said my friend calmly.

"What, Mr. PICKLOCK HOLES, the famous detective?"

"The same, at your service; but we are wasting time. Let us be off."

The night was cold, and a few drops of rain were falling. As we walked
along the lane HOLES drew from the Sergeant all the information he
wanted as to the number of pheasants on the Duke's estate, the extent
of his cellars, his rent-roll, and the name of his London tailor.
BLUFF dropped behind after this cross-examination with a puzzled
expression, and whispered to me:

"A wonderful man that Mister HOLES. Now how did he know about this
'ere poaching business? _I_ knew nothing about it. Why I come to you,
Sir, to talk about that retriever dog you lost."

"Hush," I said; "say nothing. It would only annoy HOLES, and interfere
with his inductions. He knows his own business best." Sergeant BLUFF
gave a grumbling assent, and in another moment we entered the great
gate of Fourcastle Towers, and were ushered into the hall, where the
Duke was waiting to receive us.

"To what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?" said his Grace,
with all the courtly politeness of one in whose veins ran the blood
of the Crusaders. Then, changing his tone, he spoke in fierce
sailor-language: "Shiver my timbers! what makes you three stand there
like that? Why, blank my eyes, you ought to----" What he was going to
say will never be known, for HOLES dashed forward.

"Silence, Duke," he said, sternly. "We come to tell you that there
has been a desperate poaching affray. The leader of the gang lies
insensible in Hagley Wood. Do you wish to know who he was?" So saying,
he held up to the now terrified eyes of the Duke the tail-feather of
a golden pheasant. "I found it in his waistcoat pocket," he said,
simply.

"My son, my son!" shrieked the unfortunate Duke. "Oh ALURED, ALURED,
that it should have come to this!" and he fell to the floor in
convulsions.

"You will find Earl MOUNTRAVERS at the cross-roads in Hagley Wood,"
said HOLES to the Sergeant. "He is insensible."

The Earl was convicted at the following Assizes, and sentenced to a
long term of penal servitude. His ducal father has never recovered
from the disgrace. HOLES, as usual, made light of the matter and of
his own share in it.

"I met the Earl," he told me afterwards, "as I was walking to your
farmhouse. When he ventured to doubt one of my stories, I felled him
to the earth. The rest was easy enough. Poachers? Oh dear no, there
were none. But it is precisely in these cases that ingenuity comes
in."

"HOLES," I said, "I admire you more and more every day."

       *       *       *       *       *

JOKE FOR JOKE.--A ruffian at Walsall, "for a joke," dropped a little
boy over the bridge into the river. The inhabitants of that town took
the cowardly brute to the same bridge, and dropped him over in the
same place. Bravo men (and women) of Walsall! If the _lex talionis_,
in the same spirit of impartial jocularity, could be applied as
efficaciously to _all_ "practical jokers," civilised Society might
soon be rid of one of its most intolerable pests.

       *       *       *       *       *

"So much depends on _how you take things_," as the thief remarked
after a dexterous performance while the policeman's back was turned.

       *       *       *       *       *

BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF A COMIC BALLET D'ACTION.--"Too funny for words."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS.

No. II.--THE MOSQUITO.

[Illustration]

  I am a restless Mosquito,
  Well hated by the world, I know,
    For faults that are not mine;
  I bite to live (some live to bite),
  I sting from sheer necessity, not spite,--
    I would my lot were thine.

  I'd take thy bites, you'd love my sting,
  And bear the petty pains they bring
    Just like a Hindoo Saint;
  I would not blame you, 'bottle fly,
  You have to live the same as I--
    A beauty without paint.

  We cannot all be butterflies,
  Or larks that carol in the skies,--
    Take life for what it's worth;
  We've all our wretched aches and pains,
  Our losses now--and now our gains--
    A little while on earth.

  And when we get our final call--
  Mosquito, pole-cat, skunk, and all
    The vermin meek or bold--
  We shall not for the verdict quake,
  We've lived our lives for Nature's sake,
    And done what we were told.

       *       *       *       *       *

CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that some of your contemporaries have got
up a "Press Band" which plays on the Thames Embankment between one and
two o'clock every day (save Saturday) for the benefit of compositors
out for their dinner-hour. I must confess that I think the idea
excellent, but could it not be extended? A newspaper consists of more
than "setters up at case." Could not some entertainment be
contrived for the amusement of editors, theatrical critics, and city
correspondents?

For instance, there are generally a number of ladies and gentlemen
hanging about Fleet Street in the vain hope of obtaining interviews
with the powers that are in the world journalistic. A really talented
would-be contributor (especially if a lady) might "get at" an editor
when he was most at his ease and least on his guard.

I will suppose that the _Rédacteur en chef of the Imperial Universe_
is seated beside the Fountain in the Temple, quietly smoking his
cigar. The authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" (adapted from the original
Norwegian) may see the Editor from afar off, and come dancing towards
him with the airy gaiety of a _Morgiana_. She executes a _pas de
fascination_, and, when he is completely captivated by the exquisite
grace of her movements, causes him to seize a bundle of MS. When she
has retired, and the Editor gradually resumes his normal composure,
he discovers that the authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" has left him an
article upon "Voyages to the North Pole." Subjugated by the poetry of
motion, and further moved (almost to tears) by the soft, sweet strains
of the Press Band, he reads the contribution, and accepts it.

Then recreation, combined with instruction, might be found for special
correspondents by erecting steam roundabouts on the Thames Embankment.
The "special" might mount his wooden steed, and career round and round
until he has done a good twenty miles. Then he would be prepared to
give his experiences, which should (if written in the proper spirit)
be of exceptional value as "copy."

A thousand details will occur to those who take an interest in the
matter, and may be filled in at leisure. I merely throw out the idea,
leaving its development to others more worthy of the task than one who
signs himself, in all humility, A PEN PLUS A LYRE.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS.

[Illustration]

  You who look, at home, so charming--
    Angel, goddess, nothing less--
  Do you know you're quite alarming
                  In that dress?

  Such a garb should be forbidden;
    Where's the grace an artist loves?
  Think of dainty fingers hidden
                  In those gloves!

  Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,
    Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,
  Thick! And yet you often tear them
                 With that axe!

  Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny--
    Greet them with derisive boots--
  Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!
                 Oh, those boots!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS.

[Illustration]

  O "Englishman in Paris," do not think
    That I refer to your amusing book;
  I write of those who do not care "a tinker's
                          cuss" for look!

  Not you who dress in Paris as at home,
    Because the Frenchman is as good as you,
  Top-hat, frock-coat--in fact do all in Rome
                          As Rome would do.

  But you, attired in such eccentric ways,
    Who travelled here with tickets which you took
  Perhaps from enterprising Mr. GAZE,
                         Or Mr. COOK.

  And from some stupid, slow, suburban spot,
    Or prim provincial parish, come arrayed
  In clothes which your own gardener would not
                         Wear for his trade.

  Oh why offend the Frenchman's cultured sight
    With such a 'ARRY'S outin' sort of air?
  Do you consider knickerbockers quite
                         The thing to wear?

  The Frenchman, just as sensible as we,
    Calls "toppers" hateful, horrid, heavy, hot;
  In Paris, as in London, still you see
                         The chimney-pot.

  A linen collar hygiene abhors.
    And yet he wears it. You don't care a rap;
  You sport your flannel-shirt, and, out of doors,
                         Your tourist cap.

  Magnificent contempt for foreign lands!
    "Frog-eating Frenchy dress!" you say, and smile,
  "He imitates, but never understands
                         True London style."

  Unconquered Briton, you are right no doubt!
    Descendant of the woad-clad ones, that's true!
  And yet he never imitates a lout,
                         A cad, like you.

       *       *       *       *       *

HER PARLIAMENTARY KNOWLEDGE.--Mrs. R. is an intelligent student of the
Parliamentary Reports in the _Times_. On Tuesday, in last week, her
niece read this aloud--"8.30. _On the return of the SPEAKER, after the
usual interval_"---- "That," observed the worthy lady, interrupting,
explaining it to her niece, "is the interval allowed for
refreshment--ten minutes I believe,--go on, my dear." Then her niece
continued--"_Sir T. LEA, who was interrupted by a count_"---- "Stop,
my dear!" exclaimed our old friend, indignantly. "What I want to know
is, how did that Count come there? Was he in the Strangers' Gallery?
And if he interrupted why wasn't he at once turned out of the House?
On second thoughts," she added, "he must have been a foreigner, and so
they made some excuse for him."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN.

_Country House Hostess._ "SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, MR. VANDYKE! I'M
AFRAID YOU'LL FIND US RATHER DULL. WE'RE QUITE A SMALL PARTY!" _Mr.
Vandyke._ "OH NO. I SHALL BE OUT NEARLY ALL DAY, YOU KNOW!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"A SAIL! A SAIL!"

(_Extracts from a New (Parliamentary) Version of "The Rime of the
Ancient Mariner._")

    [Sidenote: An Ancient Mariner meeteth a sorely-pressed M.P.
    hurrying to a Division, and stoppeth him.]

  It is an Ancient Mariner,
    And he stoppeth an M.P.
  "By thy scant white hair and glittering eye,
    Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

  "The lobby doors are open wide,
    And if I don't get in,
  But give the slip to our stern Whip,
    Just won't there be a din!"

  He holds him with his skinny hand.
    "There was a Ship!" quoth he.
  The Member pressed he beat his breast,
    Suppressing a big, big D!

    [Sidenote: The sorely-pressed M.P. is spell-bound by the eye
    of the Grand Old Seafaring Man, and constrained to hear his
    tale.]

  He holds him with his glittering eye;
    The Member pressed stands still.
  And listens, though exceeding wild--
    The Mariner hath his will.

  The Member pressed sits on a post,
    He cannot choose but hear;
  And thus speaks out that Grand Old Man,
    The bright-eyed Mariner--

    [Sidenote: The Mariner tells how the good ship _H.M.
    Government_ sailed for Ireland with a good wind and fair
    weather till she reached a certain Line.]

  The Ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
    Merrily did we drop,
  Laden with many a blessed Bill
    From kelson to orlop,

  The Sun of hope had left the left,
    Out in the cold they be.
  But it shone bright on the (SPEAKER'S) right
    When we put forth to sea.

       *       *       *       *       *

    [Sidenote: Where the Ship is driven by a storm (of Opposition)
    toward the Poll.]

  And now the Storm-blast came, and he
    Was tyrannous and strong.
  He struck with his opposing wings,
    And set our course all wrong.

  With sloping masts and dipping prow,
  As who pursued with yell and blow
  Still treads the coat-tail of his foe
    And feeleth for his head,
  The Ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
    And Winterward we fled.

    [Sidenote: Till a great lolloping, hindering, inopportune
    sea-bird, called the Albatross, came through the snow-fog, and
    was received with great joy and hospitality--by our opponents.

    And lo! the Albatross proveth a bird of ill-omen, impeding the
    progress of the Ship in most aggravating fashion.]

  At length did cross an Albatross:
    Through fog and frost it came;
  A noisy, rude, Obstructive bird;
    Devoid of sense or shame.

  Day after day it blocked our way,
    As round and round it flew.
  In spite of it, by patient wit,
    Our helmsman steered us through.

  When a fair wind sprang up behind,
    The Albatross did follow,
  And every day hindered our way,
    Despite the Mariner's hollo!

  In mist or cloud it strove to shroud
    Our course athwart the brine,
  Night after night it led to fight,
    And kicking up of shine.

    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner incontinently killeth the bird
    of ill-omen.]

  "God help thee, Ancient Mariner!
    From the fiends that plague thee thus!
  What did'st thou do?" With my closure-bow
    _I shot the Albatross!!!_

       *       *       *       *       *

    [Sidenote: When the fog cleared his shipmates justified the
    same, and thus make themselves accomplices therein.]

  Now round and red, like a Scotchman's head,
    The glorious Sun uprist:
  Then all averred I had killed the bird
    That brought the fog and mist.
  'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay
    That brought the fog and mist.

    [Sidenote: The fair breeze continues; the Ship enters the Sea
    of Silence by the Straits of Gag.]

  The fair breeze blew, the gag-saved crew,
    Were from Obstruction free;
  We were the first that ever burst
    Into that _silent sea_!

[Illustration: "A SAIL! A SAIL!"

("_The Rime of the Ancient Mariner._")]

    [Sidenote: The Ship is suddenly becalmed, and findeth that
    enforced silence means not peaceful progress.]

  Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
    'Twas sad as sad could be;
  With flopping sail of what avail
    The silence of the sea?

  Day after day, day after day,
    We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
  As idle as a painted ship
    Upon a painted ocean.

    [Sidenote: The Spirit of Obstruction had followed in
    spook-like silent, sub-marine secrecy.]

  And some in dreams assured were
    Of the spirit that plagued us so;
  Nine fathom deep he had followed us,
    From the land of mist and snow.

  If this be so, my shipmates said,
    What use that bird to shoot?
  We make no way, no more than if
    We were shackled hand and foot.

    [Sidenote: The shipmates, in their sore distress, are tempted
    to throw the blame on the Ancient Mariner.]

  Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
    Had I from old and young!
  My gain seemed loss, the Albatross
    Around my neck was hung.


II.

    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner beholdeth a long-hoped-for sign
    in the element afar off.]

  There passed a weary time. Each throat
    Was parched, and glazed each eye.
  A weary time! a dreary time!
    (Devoted to "Supply,")
  When, looking westward, I beheld
    A Something in the sky!

    [Sidenote: It groweth and assumeth substantial shape.]

  At first it seemed a little speck,
    And then it seemed a mist:
  It moved, and moved, and took at last
    A certain shape, I wist.

  A speck, a mist, a shape I wist!
    And still it neared and neared:
  As if it dodged some awkward question
    It plunged, and tacked, and veered.

    [Sidenote: At its nearer approach it seemeth to him to be a
    ship, bearing the hopeful name of _Autumn Session_.]

  With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
    We scarce could laugh or wail;
  Through utter drought all dumb we stood!
  I bit my tongue--it did me good--
    And cried "A Sail! A Sail!!!"

    [Sidenote: A flash of joy among his shipmates,]

  With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
    Agape they heard me call.
  Gramercy! They for joy did grin,
  And all at once their breath drew in,
    As they were whistling all.

    [Sidenote: And of anger amidst their foes.]

  Our fierce foes' faces went aflame,
    They felt that they were done!
  Their thoughts were of the western main,
    Of moor, and dog, and gun,
  When that strange shape drave suddenly
    Betwixt us and the Sun.

       *       *       *       *       *

    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner postponeth the sequel of his
    strange story to a more convenient occasion.]

  _Ah, Member pressed, I'll leave the rest
    Until--say next December!
  Whether that Sail did bring us aid,
  Or with my shipmate's wishes played;
  Whether it made them welcome Autumn,
  Or Tales of Hope to question taught 'em;
  Whether (as spook) that Albatross
  Appeared again our path to cross;
  If it portended gain or loss
  (Uncertain these, as pitch-and-toss!)
  I'll tell you when again we meet,
  On this same post, in this same street--
    Oh, Member pressed--remember!_

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: JUSTIFIABLE DECEPTION.

_Nervous Old Party (who has been making himself rather a nuisance all
the way)._ "A--A--SURELY, MY DEAR SIR, THIS GALLOPING UP THESE HILLS
IS EXTREMELY A--A--TO SAY THE LEAST, RECKLESS!"

_Jack Highflyer (Proprietor and Coachman, who has been spirting
his Team up several short rises)._ "GALLOP! CALL THIS GALLOPING? BY
GEORGE, JUST YOU WAIT TILL RETURN STAGE--SEE ME GO DOWN 'EM! GREASED
LIGHTNING A FOOL TO IT!"

[_Result as desired. Old Gentleman clears out shortly, for purpose of
writing to "Times," and so makes way for Fair Passenger behind._]
]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BRITISH ATHLETE'S VADE-MECUM.

_Question._ What is the _specialité_ of a Briton?

_Answer._ That given him by belonging to a race of born athletes.

_Q._ Can any member of the human family outside the British Isles do
anything in the shape of sport?

_A._ Only imperfectly. However, Australians are good at cricket, and
Americans have been known to adequately train racehorses.

_Q._ Can you give any reason for their partial success?

_A._ Yes. Australians are our first-cousins, and Americans our
first-cousins once removed.

_Q._ Then you consider them of the same stock as the true Briton?

_A._ Quite so. Hence their prowess in the field.

_Q._ What do you think of foreigners?

_A._ That they are typified by "Moosoo."

_Q._ When you speak of "Moosoo," to whom do you refer?

_A._ To the average French duffer, who has about as much knowledge of
sport as a baby in arms.

_Q._ Are all foreigners duffers?

_A._ All; without exception.

_Q._ How do they go out shooting?

_A._ With a horn, a _couteau de chasse_, a toy game-bag, and a
decorated poodle.

_Q._ Can they row at all?

_A._ Not seriously. They can paddle a little, but have no more idea of
pulling than the man in the moon.

_Q._ And yet, did not a Paris crew beat a Thames Eight, on the Seine,
early in the present year?

_A._ Yes; but that was because there was some good reason or other for
the English defeat.

_Q._ It could not have been, of course, because the French Eight was
better than their visitors?

_A._ Certainly not.

_Q._ But is not that the view you would adopt if you were dealing with
two English crews?

_A._ Why, certainly; but this was a race between Britons and
Frenchman, and the former could not naturally be beaten by the latter
on their own merits.

_Q._ Why not?

_A._ Because, as a matter of fact, they couldn't.

_Q._ And so your opinion of the superiority of Britons over foreigners
is unalterable?

_A._ Of course. I should not be a Briton if it were not so.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT.

_Genial Youth._ "I SAY, GUBBY, OLD CHAP, IS THIS REALLY TRUE ABOUT
YOUR GOING TO MARRY MY SISTER EDIE?"

_Gubbins._ "YES, TOMMY. IT'S ALL SETTLED. BUT WHY DO YOU ASK?"

_G. Y._ "OH! ONLY BECAUSE I SHALL HAVE SUCH A JOLLY SLACK TIME NOW!
YOU KNOW _I'VE_ PULLED OFF NEARLY ALL HER ENGAGEMENTS SO FAR, ONLY
YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE WHO'S BEEN A _REAL STAYER_!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A DECAYED INDUSTRY.

(_From the Note-book of Our Prophet-Reporter._)

[Illustration]

The HOME SECRETARY was seated in his room awaiting the arrival of the
Deputation:--

"Well, I suppose I was right to allow them to interview me," he
murmured. "The submerged Tenth have not the franchise to-day. Ah! but
they may have it to-morrow!"

The HOME SECRETARY'S exclamation was caused by the appearance of a
number of half-starved ragamuffins, who had lounged into the room, and
were now standing respectfully before him.

"Beg pardon, Sir," said the spokesman of this strange-looking
deputation, "but are you the 'OME SECKKERTERRY?"

"That is my position," replied the Cabinet Minister. "And now that you
are here, what do you want?"

"Well, Guv'nor, truth to tell, we are out of employment. Our trade has
gone to the dogs. Our business wos a removin' of superfluous cash from
the pockets of the more inattentive of the public."

"Burglars!" exclaimed the HOME SECRETARY, in some alarm, and he
hastily approached the handle of the bell communicating with the
Messenger's Room.

"Stow it!" cried the spokesman roughly, then hurriedly lowering his
tone, he apologised, and said he spoke from force of habit. "Twenty
years ago our purfession was worth something. We could make a tidy
living out of silk pocket-handkerchiefs, and sich like. But nowadays
it's all changed. It wants capital, Guv'nor; that's where it is, it
wants capital!"

"What wants capital?" queried the Minister.

"Why, our purfession, to be sure. Nowadays everythink's done on
scientific principals. A burglar must know something of chemistry,
and be up in things generally. Besides, all the real good things are
worked by syndicates. Unless you can put in a 'underd pounds or so,
why, you are nowhere. What are we to do?"

The HOME SECRETARY sat in deep thought.

"Look 'ere, Guv'nor," continued the spokesman, "'ere's a noshun. As we
can't afford to be thieves, and haven't sufficient education to become
burglars, why shouldn't we assist the Civil Power? Make us Peelers,
Sir, you know--Coppers."

       *       *       *       *       *

A month later the Police received some new recruits, and the title of
the Force was officially changed to "The Unemployed."

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, August 7._--House brisked up to-day on
approaching Report Stage Home-Rule Bill; over three hundred Members
present, including JOSEPH, fresh from Birmingham; on whole, a
melancholy gathering. At outset every appearance of collapse.
Influence of Bank Holiday over it all. Ministers who should have been
in places to answer questions not arrived. Worse still when Home-Rule
Bill reached, and new Clauses called on. Turned out PRINCE ARTHUR was
still dallying at Dulwich, HENEAGE 'appy at 'Ampstead, WOLMER tarrying
by the giddy swing on Peckham Rye. BARTLEY, ever ready to sacrifice
himself in interests of Empire, proposed to move new Clauses for
absentees, but SPEAKER wouldn't have it; so passed on to PARKER SMITH.
P. S., as sometimes happens in correspondence, proved most important
part of letter. He had quite a cluster of Clauses; moved them in
succession through long and dreary night.

[Illustration: HOLIDAY TIME--AS SHOWN BY MEMBERS' DRESS IN THE HOUSE.]

Incidentally provided TIM HEALY with opportunity for making speech
quite in old (of late unfamiliar) form. One of P. S.'s clauses
designed for appointment of Boundary Commissioners, with view of
what T. W. RUSSELL described as "ojus jerrymandering." TIM declared
that scheme proposed by Bill would give Unionists a much larger
representation than they were entitled to, leaving them, with
exception of disfranchisement of Dublin University, in very much same
numbers as they now stand. Demonstrating this, TIM cited in detail
the constituencies affected. Totted them up to reach the total he had
affirmed--certainly eighteen, possibly twenty-one.

"There's Armagh two," he said, "and Antrim four. Four and two are
six," he added, turning with defiant look upon the placid figure of
T. W. RUSSELL. Paused for a moment to give full opportunity for anyone
getting up to deny this proposition. No response; TIM proceeded; "Very
well, six. There's Belfast four. Six and four are ten!" he shouted
triumphantly, looking across at JOSEPH. "Very well, ten," he added, in
low growl; evidently disappointed at lack of spirit in camp opposite.
"Down--North, East and West Down you'll have, I suppose? That's three.
Three and ten's thirteen. Thirteen!" he shouted, turning with quick
flush of hope in direction of seat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH. But Colonel
not there. In fact not been seen in House since he went out after the
great fight, holding bunch of keys to his bruised cheek.

Things looking desperate; still TIM plodded on. Surely age of
chivalry not so finally gone that there was not left in an Irish bosom
sufficient courage to deny to a political adversary that two and two
made four? Perhaps TIM had been piling on the units too high. He would
continue on a lower scale. "Very well, that's thirteen. Now North
Fermanagh's one. Thirteen and one's fourteen." No pen can describe the
acrimony TIM threw into this proposition. Still the craven blood did
not stir. "Londonderry, North, South, and City--I suppose you expect
to collar them all? That's three; fourteen and three are seventeen."

It was terrible. The SPEAKER, fearing bloodshed, interposed, ruling
TIM out of order; only just in time. One could see by flush on
MACARTNEY'S cheek that one step more would have been fatal, and that
the proposition "Seventeen and two are nineteen" would have led to
outbreak beside which the "regrettable incident" would have been
meretriciously mild.

_Business done._--Took up Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill.

[Illustration: "Bimetallism."]

_Tuesday._--The Squires had regular set-to to-night. He of Blankney
began it; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, never loath for a tussle, cheerfully
stepping into the ring. Order of the day was Report Stage of Home-Rule
Bill. Members, though in languid mood, prepared once more to tread the
dreary round, to pass a summer night

  In dropping buckets into empty wells,
  And growing old in drawing nothing up.

SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY ordered matters otherwise. Has for some time had by
him paper on Bimetallism, which he desired to read to House. Thought
event might have come off on Vote on Account; ruled out of order;
would fit in equally well on Indian Budget. But when will Indian
Budget be taken? GORST and Echo answer "When?" SQUIRE, whilst willing
to sacrifice all personal considerations on the altar of public
interest, feels that duty to his Queen and country call him away for
an interval of rest. He might leave his paper for DICKY TEMPLE to
read; or he might have it printed and circulated with the votes.
Whilst pondering on these alternatives, happy thought came to him.
Why not move adjournment of House, and so work off speech? Of course
wouldn't do to put the matter bluntly, and "ask leave to move the
adjournment for the purpose of discussing a definite matter of urgent
public importance, namely, HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire to get out of town."
But for "HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire," &c., substitute "the closing of the
Indian mints to the free coinage of silver," and there you are.

[Illustration: The Government Humorist.]

There we were indeed. Opposition didn't show up with the enthusiasm
that might have been expected in such a cause. Question was indeed
raised whether the necessary forty Members had risen to support
application for leave. SPEAKER said it was all right, so SQUIRE OF
BLANKNEY brought out his treasured manuscript and reeled off his
speech. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD exceedingly angry that he should have
occupied nearly an hour for the purpose. So angry that he took almost
precisely same time in replying. Drew a lurid picture of the other
Squire going about "endeavouring to make mischief in Hindustan." The
poor SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY! No such fell design had filled his manly
breast. He was guilty of no more direful purpose than that of availing
himself of forms of the House to read a paper on Bimetallism prepared
for a lapsed occasion, which might have been out of date had he
kept it in his drawer till he came back from his holiday. It led to
appropriation of four hours of the sitting; but if they had not been
wasted in this way, they would have been squandered in some other,
and House would have lost spectacle of this set-to between the MALWOOD
MAULER and the BLANKNEY PET.

_Business done._--None to speak of.

_Thursday._--Seems BRODRICK didn't say at Farnham those naughty things
about Mr. G. 'Tis true he had referred to failure of a popular local
donkey to win a race owing to increasing infirmities, adding "it is
quite time some of us should be turned out to grass." But he was not
thinking of Mr. G. Of whom then was the Young Man thinking? Could it
have been ----? But no, a thousand times no.

Certainly nothing in Mr. G.'s appearance to-night suggestive of desire
or necessity for knocking-off work. Others may tire and turn fondly to
contemplation of moor, river, or sea. Mr. G. thinks there's no place
like London in mid-August, no scene so healthful or invigorating
as House of Commons. Plunged in to-night on one of the interminable
Amendments. A difficult job in hand. Had to accept Amendment which
SOLICITOR-GENERAL and ATTORNEY-GENERAL had an hour earlier been put up
to show was impossible. Began by pummelling PRINCE ARTHUR; proceeded
to make little of HENRY JAMES; turned aside to pink JOSEPH with
sarcastic reference to inveterate love with which he is cherished in
the bosom of his new friends the Tories; finished by throwing over
ATTORNEY-GENERAL with grace and dexterity that made experience
rather pleasant than otherwise; and at a quarter to eight accepted an
Amendment that had been moved at a quarter to six.

It was in conversation round this Debate that SOLICITOR-GENERAL,
accused by CARSON of knowing all about a certain point of law,
delighted House by taking off wig, pitching it ceiling-high, deftly
catching it, and observing with a wink at SPEAKER, "No, I'm hanged if
I do."

_Business done._--Report Stage Home-Rule Bill.

_Friday Night._--Grouse to-morrow, Home-Rule Bill to-night. As
BORTHWICK says, Home-Rule Bill is like partridge, at least to this
extent, that, in course of a few months, its daily appearance on the
table leads to sensation of palled palate. Truly, _toujours perdrix_
is endurable by comparison with Always Home Rule. Members who remain
bear up pretty bravely, but glance wistfully at the door through which
have disappeared so many friends and companions dear, bound Northward.
The holiday, even when it comes for us--the mere residuum, tasting
grouse only from the bounty of our friends, who are not dead but gone
before--will be but an interval in a prodigiously long Session.
"I suppose you find the Autumn Session very popular," I said
to MARJORIBANKS, who still wears a smile. "Yes," he said; "more
especially with Members who have paired up to Christmas."

_Business done._--Still harping on Home Rule.

       *       *       *       *       *



Transcriber's Note:

Page 73: 'break' corrected to 'brake'. "I'm over before you have put
on the brake,"