The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Editor: J. A. Hammerton Illustrator: John Leech Release date: October 1, 2010 [eBook #33824] Language: English Credits: Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES *** Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES [Illustration] [Illustration: PROGRESS.--"I maintain that the race has improved in physique since those days. Now _we_ couldn't get into that armour!"] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES _WITH 155 ILLUSTRATIONS_ BY JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, REGINALD CLEAVER, LEWIS BAUMER, A. S. BOYD, TOM WILKINSON, G. D. ARMOUR, AND OTHERS [Illustration] PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. * * * * * THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN [Illustration] * * * * * POST-PRANDIAL WIT [Illustration] There is a sense, of course, in which everything from the pages of MR. PUNCH might be regarded as coming into a collection entitled "After Dinner Stories." All good stories are really for telling after dinner. Somehow or other one seldom associates wit and humour with the breakfast table, although the celebrated breakfast parties of Rogers, the banker, were doubtless in no way deficient in either. Over the walnuts and wine, when men have feasted well and are feeling on the best of terms with themselves and their fellows, the cares of the day put past and the pleasures of the gas-lit hours begun, that is undoubtedly the ideal time for the flow of wit. It must not, therefore, be thought that the present volume is in anywise distinguished from the others of the series to which it belongs in the appropriateness of its contents for the dinner party. No more than any of its companions is it designed to that end; but as it is concerned almost exclusively with the humours of dining, with stories of diners, it will be admitted that its title is not without justification. Private dinner parties, public banquets, the solitary dinner at the restaurant, the giving and accepting of invitations, these and many other phases of dining come within its scope, and if it be noticed that a considerable amount of its humour has something of the fragrance of good old port--to say nothing of the aroma of wines that are bad!--it can only be retorted that MR. PUNCH'S duty has ever been to mirror the manners of the changing time, and in his early days the wine flowed more freely than it does to-day. For our personal taste we could have wished less of this humour of the bottle, but throughout this library an effort has been made to maintain in some degree a historical perspective, so that, in addition to the prime purpose of entertainment, each of these books in MR. PUNCH'S LIBRARY might be a faithful picture of the manners of the Victorian period in which most of his life has been passed. If to-day these manners seem to us just a trifle coarser than we esteem the social habits of our own day, surely that is a comforting reflection and one not lightly to be lost! [Illustration] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES [Illustration] _Mrs. Jones._ And pray, Mr. Jones, what is the matter now? _Jones._ I was only wondering, my dear, where you might have bought this fish. _Mrs. Jones._ At the fishmonger's. Where do you suppose I bought it? _Jones._ Well, I thought that, _perhaps_, there might have been a remnant sale at the Royal Aquarium! * * * * * EXCUSE FOR DRINKING BEFORE DINNER.--To whet the appetite. * * * * * [Illustration: _Voice from above._ "What are you doing down there, Parkins?" _Parkins._ "I'm jush--puttin' away the port, shir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Commissionaire._ "Would you like a four-wheeler or a 'ansom sir?" _Convivial Party_ (_indistinctly_). "Ver' mush oblige--but--reely don't think I _could_ take 'ny more!"] * * * * * RICE AND PRUNES Rice and prunes a household journal Called the chief of household boons; Hence my mother cooks diurnal Rice and prunes. Therefore on successive noons, Sombre fruit and snowy kernel Woo reluctant forks and spoons. As the ear, when leaves are vernal, Wearies of the blackbird's tunes, So we weary of eternal Rice and prunes. * * * * * NEVER SPEAK IN A HURRY THE HOSPITABLE JONES. Yes, we're in the same old place, where you dined with us last year. By the bye, old man, I wish you and your wife would come and take pot-luck with us again on the---- _The Impulsive Brown (in the eagerness of his determination never again to take pot-luck with the Joneses)._ My _dear_ fellow! _So_ sorry! But we're engaged on the--a--on the--er--on th-th-that evening! _Poor Jones (pathetically)._ Well, old man, you _might_ have given me time just to _name the day_. * * * * * [Illustration: "WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE TUNE" _Johnnie (to waiter)._ "Aw--you're the boss--head waiter, eh?" _Waiter._ "Yessir." _Johnnie._ "Ah, well, just--ah--send up to your _orchestra chaps_, and tell 'em I really can't eat my dinner to _that_ tune."] * * * * * [Illustration: A LAST RESOURCE.--A happy and independent bachelor finds himself suddenly disappointed of his Christmas party in the country; he has ordered nothing at home, has given his cook and man-servant leave to invite their friends; his intimate companions are out of town, and, on arriving at his club, he is informed by the hall porter that "there is no dinner to-night, as the servants are having a party." Only one resource, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!] * * * * * [Illustration: THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.--_Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly discussed)._ "Where am I? Letsh shee--(_considering_)--Earth's got one moon. Mars's got five moo--Jup'tush nine--I shee two moons. Then--where _am_ I?"] * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT OF GOOD CHEER ON OPPOSITE TEMPERAMENTS Aspect of Jones and Smith at two different stages of the same sumptuous repast.] * * * * * AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT _Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup? _Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im cocks-tail! * * * * * "THE COMING MAN."--A waiter. * * * * * [Illustration: SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!--_Master of the House._ "Why, Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" _Butler (with great deliberation)_, "Well, shir--if you pleashe, shir--itsh not quite _my_ fault. You told me to taste every bottle of wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out in-shtrucshuns."] * * * * * THE VERB TO DINE PRESENT TENSE I dine. Thou joinest me. He tries to whip us up for a division. We smoke our cigars. Ye drink your port. They are defeated in the lobby. IMPERFECT TENSE I was dining. Thou wast holding a reception. He was attending it. We were feeling puzzled. Ye were reading the _Globe_ and _Pall Mall_. They were not knowing what to make of it. FUTURE TENSE I shall dine. Thou wilt join my party. He will squirm. We shall promote the unity of the party. Ye will applaud. They will call a meeting at the "Reform." PERFECT TENSE I have dined. Thou hast made ambiguous remarks. He has explained them away. We have tried to make it all sweet again. Ye have split a soda. They have split the party. SUBJUNCTIVE PRESENT I may dine. Thou mayest object. He may want to state his views. We may insist on our dinners. Ye may agree with them. They may disagree with you. SUBJUNCTIVE IMPERFECT I might dine. Thou mightest emerge from Berkeley Square. He might resign. We might lead. Ye might follow. They might not. IMPERATIVE Dine thou! Let him speak out! Let us know who is our leader! Read ye the _Times_ and _Globe_! Let them settle the question for us! INFINITIVE Present: To split. Past: To have been a party. * * * * * AFTER-DINNER CONSIDERATION.--"Hippopotamuses" is a better test-word of fitness for joining the ladies than "British Constitution." * * * * * [Illustration: DISCUSSING AN ABSENT FRIEND "Yes, Robinson's a clever feller, and he's a modest feller, and he's a honest feller; but, betwixt you and I and the _post_, Mr. Jones," said Brown, confidentially, picking his wisdom tooth with his little finger nail, "Robinson ain't got neither the looks, nor yet the language, nor yet the manners of a _gentleman_!" "Right you are, sir!" said Jones, shovelling the melted remains of his ice pudding into his mouth with a steel knife (which he afterwards wiped on the tablecloth). "_You've 'it 'im orf to a T!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Convivial._ "'Sh two o'clock! Wha'll er misshus shay?" _Second Convivial._ "Thash allri'! Shay you bin wi' me--(_hic_)!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "IN CONFIDENCE" _Dining-room, Apelles Club_ _Diner._ "Thomson, do the members ask for this wine?" _Head Waiter (sotto voce)._ "Not twice, sir!"] * * * * * SPECIMENS OF MR. PUNCH'S SIGNATURES! (_Fac-similes taken during the course of the evening._) [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS BEFORE DINNER, 7·30. ATTESTED BY SEVERAL WITNESSES. [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS AFTER THE PUNCH À LA ROMAINE, ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE BANQUET. [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS WITH THE DESSERT. [Illustration: Punch] AFTER THE CLARET. [Illustration: Punch] AFTER THE CLARET _AND_ THE PORT. [Illustration: Punch] DURING THE CIGARS, WHISKEY AND WATER. [Illustration: Punch] 12·30. BEFORE LEAVING TABLE. [Illustration: Punch] 1·30. BEFORE GETTING INTO BED. The above have been submitted to an eminent expert, who says he could almost swear they are the same hand-writing, but must come and dine with _Mr. P._, in order absolutely to verify them. * * * * * [Illustration: A BAD ENDING.--"Well, William, what's become of Robert?" "What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not _defunct_, I hope!" "That's just exactly what he _'as_ done, sir, and walked off with heverything he could lay his 'ands on!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE _Vegetarian Professor._ "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but yesterday swimming happily in the sea." _Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATION "Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat it!" "My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'" (_Guinevere._)] * * * * * [Illustration: _Little Boreham_ (_relating his Alpine adventures_). "There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet----" _That Brute Brown._ "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you arrived?"] * * * * * [Illustration: At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his tenants, curaçoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who, swallowing it with much relish, says--"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum o' that in a moog!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PRICE FOR AGE _Mr. Green._ "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's thirty-four port, you know." _Uncle._ "Thirty-four port!--Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more thirty-four port than you are!" _Mr. Green._ "It _is_ I can assure you! Indeed, it's _really thirty-six_; and _thirty-four if you return the bottles_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FLUNKEIANA _Master._ "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my wishes have not been attended to?" _Thompson._ "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't do to waste it, and we _can't_ eat it downstairs!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CONCLUSIVE SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hôte_ _Guest._ "Waiter! I say--this is pork! I want mutton!" _Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye _want_--but it's pork ye'll _have_!"] * * * * * RAMBLING RONDEAUX _At Table d'hôte_ At _table d'hôte_, I quite decline To sit there and attempt to dine! Of course you never dine, but "feed," And gobble up with fearsome greed A hurried meal you can't define. The room is close, and, I opine, I should not like the food or wine; While all the guests are dull indeed At _table d'hôte_! The clatter and the heat combine One's appetite to undermine. When noisy waiters take no heed, But change the plates at railway speed-- I feel compelled to "draw my line" At _table d'hôte_! * * * * * SUFFICIENT EXCUSE _Jones_ (_to Brown_). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady. _Brown._ No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight." * * * * * [Illustration: CRUEL!--_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" _Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "Let me see"--(_considers_)--"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." _Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["_Exeunt,--severally._"] * * * * * [Illustration: CANDID! _Simultaneously_ _Host (smacking his lips)._ "Now, what do you say to that glass of she----" _Guest._ "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"] * * * * * GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED "Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?" "No--that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends." * * * * * SECTARIAN "Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?" "Mr. Binks, sir." "Is Mr. Binks a _vegetarian_?" "Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!" * * * * * [Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY" _Improvised Butler_ (_to distinguished guest_). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Customer._ "Waiter, a fried sole." _Second Customer._ "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter--and mind it is fresh." _Waiter._ "Two fried soles--one fresh!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AFTER MANY YEARS!--_Country Parson_ (_to distinguished Peer, who has been making_ THE _speech of the evening_). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." _Distinguished Peer._ "Well--er--not altogether." _C. P._ "We were members of the same club at Oxford." _D. P._ (_with awakening interest_). "Oh--ah! Let me see--which club was that?" _C. P._ "The--er--_Toilet Club_, you know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _She._ "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not _illness_ that prevented you from coming?" _He._ "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A DILEMMA _Nervous Gentleman_ (_to two sisters_). "I've got to take one of you in to dinner. A--a--let me see--a--which is the elder?"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _Jones_ (_to hostess, famous for her dinners_). "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER _Laconic Waiter_ (_thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne_). "Seventy-four, sir?" _Sporting Major_ (_down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket_). "Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CAUSE AND _Host_ (_to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions_). "I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"] * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT _Coggledab_ (_in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army._) "'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself. _You're not drinkin'!_" [_Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day_] * * * * * A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE _A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_ According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business. _Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have? _The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night. _Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well. _The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound. _Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day. _The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrées_--will you have cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules? _Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things. _The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entrée_, joint, and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen. _Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure! _The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required. _Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely supplying our bodily wants. _The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about sweets, cheese, and savouries? _Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's only a _family_ party! _The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the way of stimulants? _Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French, they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the difference nowadays, do they? _The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you. (_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them! * * * * * _Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it was very complimentary; they gave me to an archæologist to take down. * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Jones._ "Yes, my boy, _there's_ wine for you, eh? I bought ten pounds worth of it the other day." _Brown._ "What a _lot_ you must have got!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A BIG ORDER _Stout Party_ (_to waitress_), "Put me on a pancake, please!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.--_Waiter_ (_to colleague_). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly 'as the good looks!"] * * * * * [Illustration: Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine? Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets. ["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at Massachusetts Institute."]] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE _Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping himself to everything!_" [_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very healthy appetite._]] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs. Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._ "What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"] * * * * * PROVERBS FOR BALL AND DINNER GIVERS Ices and tea and coffee and small cakes are as good as a feast. You may bring an amateur tenor up to a piano, but you cannot make him sing. A lord in the room is worth two dukes in the bush. In provincial society the lord-lieutenant is king. Flirtation is the mother of invention. All good dances lead to the conservatory. Take care of the rounds, and the squares will look after themselves. It is a wise waltzer who knows her own step. A dinner in time saves nine. When the confectioner comes in by the door the cook flies out by the window. What is port to your wine merchant is death to your guests. Keep your champagne dry. Call a stable-boy by any other name, and he will resemble the rose under similar circumstances. You can't make a head butler out of a local greengrocer. When the soup is cold, the wit flies out. If you have enough cheap and nasty dishes, some of them must be eaten. The _menu_ makes the dinner. Ask _Mr. Punch_ to a really good and well thought-out meal, and you will have an exceptionally lucky man for your guest. * * * * * THE SIGH OF THE SEASON Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch, Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch, Good-bye jambon soaked in cham., Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb, Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole, Good-bye Heidsieck's monopole, Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry, Good-bye all that makes me merry, Good-bye liqueurs, _petit verre_, Good-bye sauce _au Vin Madère_, Good-bye all these joys of life, Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife, Good-bye all I take when out, Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout! * * * * * [Illustration: _Our Gallant Colonel._ "Your daughters, my dear Mrs. Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night--simply delightful!" _Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a rôti of ducklings)._ "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and onions!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CRUEL!--_Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man) tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange, which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause have subsided)._ "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" _Jones._ "No, no! Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown, somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" _Robinson._ "Ah, but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we _did_ laugh, to be sure!"] * * * * * [Illustration: WHOSE FAULT?--_Wife (reproachfully)._ "O, Charles!" (_She had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine)._ "V'y well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh 'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "For when our veins are filled With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls Than in our priest-like fasts."--SHAKSPEARE: _Coriolanus_. AFTER-DINNER CRITICISM.--_Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes)._ "Yesh--(_hic_)--'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the treesh! 'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"] * * * * * DINNER PLATITUDES Twice of soup is vulgar, but three times of soup implies that you must be more than double-plated with vulgarity. Such a thing was never known, not even at the Trinity Board, and turtle is not the slightest excuse for your pushing things to such a vulgar length. An alderman would really blush for you. A soft answer turneth away wrath, and an invitation to take a glass of wine will frequently restore warmth between two friends where only coldness existed before. No matter how plain your cook may be, so long as your dinner is well-dressed. A few compliments go a great way. A little savoury _pâté_ is quite enough. Try too many, and you'll find they'll prove heavy. When the ladies retire from the dinner-table, it is not usual for you (supposing you to be a gentleman) to retire with them. In this instance, the same law extends to the mistress as to the servants:--"No Followers Allowed." A gratuity well bestowed frequently has a happy effect. The servant that is fee'd well takes care that his master does the same. In the hands of an inferior _artiste_, whether an omelette turns out good or bad, is quite a matter of toss up. It is the same with a pancake. Keep ill-natured people from your table, as you would sour fruit. They are sure to disagree with every one. Avoid crab-apples, lest the apple of discord should turn up amongst them. * * * * * ODE TO A DINNER-GONG "The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell." So said, admiringly, the late Lord Byron, But he had never heard _your_ noisy knell, O blatant bellowing thing of brass or iron, Or surely he had metrically cursed Your nerve-distracting Corybantic clangour. Would his fine indignation could have versed My utter hate, my agonising anger. Alas! is gusto then so great a sin, Is feeding man so terrible a sinner That such a worse than _Duncan_-raising din Must summon him to--dinner? * * * * * [Illustration: DOWN A PEG.--_Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist, critic, golfer, fin-de-siècle idol, &c.)._ "Oh, Mrs. Smart--a--I've been thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!" _Mrs. Smart (cheerfully)._ "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,--and I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime."] * * * * * [Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT.--_Serious and much-married man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past' you know!" _The Friend_ (_bachelor "unattached"_). "Well, you see, old man, she got a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_ care about."] * * * * * [Illustration: A CONNOISSEUR.--_Sir Pompey Bedell._ "This bottle of Romanée-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It _ought_ to be all right. I know it stands me in _twelve guineas a dozen_!" _The New Butler._ "There certainly _his_ some sediment, Sir Pompey; but it's of no consequence whatever! I tried a bottle of it _myself_ the other day, and found it first-rate!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A PIOUS FRAUD! "Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole? You don't mean to say you've joined the blue ribbon army?" "Yes; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt poor old Jakes' feelings--don't want to be poisoned by his beastly wine. See?"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE DAYS OF THE CRINOLINE--DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES] * * * * * [Illustration: REPLETION.--_Robert._ "Pudding or cheese, sir?" _Abstracted Editor._ "Owing to pressure of other matter, 'regret we are unable to find room for it!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_). "Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap." _Jones._ "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see how's the enemy." _Brown._ "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."] * * * * * [Illustration: INNOCENTS IN THE CITY _Mrs. Fitznoodle_ (_evidently not well versed in the delicacies of a Guildhall feast_). "Freddy, dear, can you tell me what _is_ the difference between 'calipash' and 'calipee'?" _Colonel Fitznoodle_ (_hesitating, and looking round for an answer_). "Certainly, my dear. Exactly the difference there is between 'Gog' and 'Magog'!"] * * * * * DINNERS AND DINERS (_With apologies to the P-ll M-ll G-z-tte_) It had been my good fortune to give to Mademoiselle Faustine, a charming little actress, a tip for the Welter Plate last spring. What more natural than that I should ask her to give me a dinner as some slight return? She readily accepted, and asked me to name the day. Glancing at the sixth volume of my engagement book, I found my first vacant date was June 18, '97. This was fortunate, as it is hardly possible--except at Voisin's--to get a decent dinner unless you order it a year in advance. "Where shall we dine?" asked Faustine. "There is only one place where people _do_ dine," I answered, a little reproachfully. "The Bon Marché. I will order the dinner." So the place and the date were fixed. * * * * * As Faustine was a quarter of an hour late--I had not seen her since our arrangement--I waited in the alabaster portico of the Bon Marché, chatting amiably to the courteous commissionaire, an old comrade of mine in the Wimbledon days. Jules, the courteous _chef_, was _au désespoir_. Why had I not given him more notice? Madame was fifteen minutes late. If he had only known! In a year and fifteen minutes it is possible to cook a dinner. In a year--no. I tried to calm the worthy fellow--an old ally of mine in the Crimean war. In vain; he complained the sardines were spoiling. So I went into the dining-room, nodding courteously to eight princes of the blood, neither of whom appeared, for the moment, to recognise me. As I seated myself, the entire staff, headed by a brass band, brought me my _sardines à l'huile_. These are a _specialité_ of the house, and are never--should never be, at least--eaten with the tin. The _potage à la potasse_ was quite excellent. I congratulated the courteous _chef_, pointing out to him the desirability of mixing, sometimes, a little anti-pyrine into the potassium--both drugs far too rarely used in modern cookery. Then came the question of wine. This I solved for the moment by ordering two Jeroboams of Stereoscopic Company et Fils; a _cuvée_ of '80, absolutely _reservée_ for my own use. As I had engaged the entire staff of waiters, a crown prince, who was entertaining one of our leading bicyclists, rose to leave, with his guest. I smiled and nodded to them as they passed, which appeared to hasten their departure. The _moulin à vent_ was delicious, but the _dindon décousu_ I could not pass. No self-respecting _gourmet_ will pass everything at a dinner. Gontran, the kindly _maître d'hôtel_, was almost in tears, but I consoled him by observing that the ostriches were cooked to a turn, and the _bombe glacée à l'anarchiste_ faultless. But my hostess? Where was she? Where was Mademoiselle Faustine? I had quite forgotten her! I beckoned to Hagenbock, the press representative of the restaurant, who informed me she had been dead eight months! I, who read nothing but menus, had omitted to notice this in the papers. I was greatly pained. The shock unnerved me--I could eat no more. Besides, who was now to pay the bill? I reproduce the bill. Couverts, £5. Diners, £36 8_s._ Pain, 2_s._ Champagne, £47. Liqueurs, 15_s._ Addition, 3_s._ In all, £89 8_s._--(This is one of the few restaurants where a charge is made for the addition.) "Make out the bill," said I, "in francs, and send it to the executors of Mademoiselle Faustine." II. Monsieur Victor de Train-de-Luxe is in many respects a delightful person. In other ways he is not. For instance, because he was, accidentally, the cause of my backing a winner at Ascot (simply by means of ordinary stable information), he had the bad taste to suggest that I should stand him a dinner. I said, "Certainly, my dear Comte" (Comte being the courtesy title I invariably give to foreigners from whom I have the hope of borrowing money). "Where shall it be?" "There is only one place where one _can_ dine," I said. "Of course--the Bon Marché," he replied. "No," I answered. "No, _mon ami_. If you wish to eat a really characteristic English dinner, come to the Vegetarian Restaurant in Edgware Road. Come along. Come, _now_!" "But it's only six o'clock. I am not hungry." "All the better," I replied. And I also pointed out to him that the best way to see London is outside an omnibus. So we started. * * * * * Arrived at the restaurant, I was enthusiastically received by the courteous cashier, who presented me with a previous bill, which, I noticed, had not been receipted. I said I thought it rather rude to present a gentleman with a bill which they hadn't taken the trouble to receipt. We sat down. "I'm glad," I said to Victor, "that I didn't know this dinner was coming off to-day. If I had had notice, I might have ordered it beforehand; and a dinner, to be perfection, should be eaten, if possible, on the day it is cooked. At least, that's what I always think. I may be wrong." Monsieur de Train-de-Luxe smiled, said I was a _farceur_, and I ordered our dinner. First, some turnip turtle soup, then, ortolans of spinach and mashed potatoes, followed by a canvas-backed duck made of Indian corn, and last, not least, plum-pudding. As all will agree, this makes a very delicious and seasonable repast. Long dinners have quite gone out of fashion. And this was washed down with a sparkling bottle of orange champagne, '97. My friend Victor, who is rather a _gourmet_, was so struck with the first mouthful of soup, that he said it was quite enough, observing, he had never tasted anything like it. Pleased with this praise, I asked his opinion of the ortolans. He said that their aroma dispensed with the necessity for their consumption. He was evidently surprised. When the bill was presented by the courteous "chucker-out," we found that most unluckily neither of us had any money. I append the bill. Dinners (for two), 1_s._ 9_d._ Champagne, 3_d._ Total, 2_s._ To this I ought really to add:-- Cab (for three) to Marylebone Police Court, 1_s_. 6_d_. (The constable refused to walk without us.) Loss to reputation by report of proceedings, 8_d_. * * * * * THE BUSINESS OF PLEASURE _Professor Guzzleton_ (_to Fair Chatterbox_). Are you aware that our host has a French cook? _Fair Chatterbox._ So I hear! _Professor Guzzleton._ And that that French cook is the best in London? _Fair Chatterbox._ So I believe! _Professor Guzzleton._ Then don't you think we had better defer all further conversation till we meet again in the drawing-room? * * * * * "My uncle, the admiral," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "is very old fashioned, and always goes to sleep every day after dinner with his banana on his head." * * * * * [Illustration: SYMPATHETIC _Toast-master_ (_to chairman of public dinner_). "Would you like to propose your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a bit longer?"] * * * * * [Illustration: INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS.--_Hostess._ "You've eaten hardly anything, Mr. Simpkins!" _Mr. S._ "My dear lady, I've dined '_wisely, but not too well_!'"] * * * * * [Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN _Hired Waiter_ (_handing the liqueurs_). "_Please_, sir, _don't_ make me laugh--I shall spill 'em all!"] * * * * * [Illustration: OVERHEARD AT A CITY RESTAURANT "I said Welsh _radish_, not _horse rabbit_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: IRRESISTIBLE _Our Robert_ (_on duty in the provinces, offering dish to neglected spinster_). "Little duck!" [_In such a tone of voice, that, at the risk of the sage and----she accepts!_] * * * * * [Illustration: _Host._ "I say, my boy, shall we join ladies in drawing-room?" _Guest._ "I sh'inksho." _Host._ "Can you say, 'The scenery's truly rural 'bout here?'" _Guest._ "Sc-scenery tooralooral." _Host._ "All right, come along!"] * * * * * [Illustration: HE KNEW THE CUISINE.--_Hungry Diner_ (_scanning the menu_). "Look here, waiter, I'm starving. I think I'll have a little of everything!" _Waiter._ "Yessir. (_Bawls off._) 'Ash one!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES "When the wine is in, the wit is out;" Only to dolts the adage reaches. No wise man could for a moment doubt The value of after-dinner speeches. _Punch_ can remember the time when Peel, Whose wisdom still the country teaches, After steak and port, his nine o'clock meal, Made the best of after-dinner speeches. When the Ministers come to the Mansion House, (The King of London their presence beseeches,) No guest who has any touch of _nous_ Will be weary of after-dinner speeches. When the Royal Academy blooms in May, With its pretty girls and their cheeks like peaches Who won't, on the opening Saturday, Listen to after-dinner speeches? When there's ought that's generous to be done, A greeting to pay that no soul impeaches, A dinner's the best thing under the sun, And its gold coin the after-dinner speeches. And as to the House, which often suffers From talk that to dreariest platitude reaches, It does not often allow its duffers To make long after-dinner speeches. * * * * * [Illustration: SCENE--CHOP-HOUSE _Enter Street Boy, and, with suppressed ecstasy._ "Oh, please, there's your cat and kittens having such a game with the things in the winder!"] * * * * * AT THE CRIC-CRAC RESTAURANT _Customer_ (_looking at bill_). Here, waiter, there's surely some mistake in this total. _Waiter_ (_politely_). Zehn thousand pardons, sir! Mit my usual carelessness I have added in ze date and vorgot to charge you for ze butter. * * * * * AN OVERSIGHT! _Swell._ Waiter! This--ah--chop's vewy dwy! _Waiter._ 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink with it, sir---- * * * * * [Illustration: A REBUKE _Host._ "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon cost me two and sixpence a pound!" _Guest_ (_no business of his_). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take another eighteen penn'orth!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CAUTION _The Major._ "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?" _Mrs. Jinks._ "Yes; but they make one so _unreserved_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST) _Farmer_ (_proposing landlord's health_). "An' if a' squiears 'ud _dew_ as our squiear _dew_, there wudna be so many on 'em as _dew_ as they _dew dew_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BELIEVING.--"Then you don't believe in phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.--_Mr. Bumblepup._ "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress." _Hostess._ "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking more foolish than usual, and you're not."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Mr. Boreham_ (_in the thick of a long and pointless story_). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'" _She_ (_with difficulty keeping awake_). "Yes?--_and was it_?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to friend who has been brought in to take pot-luck_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner to offer you." _Mr. Simpson._ "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure you I think it quite desirable to _underfeed_ occasionally!"] * * * * * THE DINNER CHAIRMAN'S VADE MECUM (_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_) _Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner? _Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the company. _Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest of your convives? _A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which entirely destroys my appetite. _Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts? _A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form, which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm. _Q._ What can be said about the united service? _A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the furtherance of their interests. _Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of Parliament? _A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject. _Q._ What about the toast of the evening? _A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks, two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic. _Q._ How are the visitors to be treated? _A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate chaff. _Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own health? _A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters. * * * * * [Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but _do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!" [_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]] * * * * * [Illustration: REASSURING "Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly, sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE _Sprightly Lady._ "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with----" _Bashful Curate_ (_who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour_). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?----" _Lady._ "----a remark!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE CONNOISSEUR.--_Host_ (_smacking his lips_). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat. That's '34 port, sir!" _Guest._ "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."] * * * * * [Illustration: A GENTLE SNUB.--"Here, waiter--quick! Something to eat--and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh--anything--I don't care. Chop or steak--whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir; but I don't feel called upon to decide!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE WAY WE LIVE NOW TIME--3 P.M. SCENE--_Club_. _First Gilded Youth._ "Had any breakfast, old chappie?" _Second Gilded Youth._ "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve." _First Gilded Youth_ (_in admiration_). "Doose you did! What a constitution you must have!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON _Farmer_ (_at market dinner_). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of 'em myself!" [_Helps himself to the tops!_]] * * * * * [Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON _Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "So glad to see you enjoying yourself!" _Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying my dinner!"] * * * * * A WAITER'S WARNING "ENTOMOLOGY IN PARLIAMENT STREET.--Mr. Frank W. DUFREY, 55, Parliament Street, writes to the _Field_:--'It will interest your entomological readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth (_Acherontia atropos_) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening. It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'" "William, where's John? What, is he gone?" "Not gone away, sir. Sorry to say, sir; John ill a-bed, sir, Bad in 'is 'ed, sir. 'Ad a great fright, sir. Turned 'is 'air wite, sir. Last Monday night, sir." "Struck down with fear! How? Let me hear." "'Orrible thing, sir, Came on the wing sir; Window in through, sir, Suddently flew, sir, Into this room, sir, A shape from the tomb, sir. 'Twasn't a bat, sir; No, sir, not that, sir: Moth, sir, we thought, sir. But wen it was caught, sir, Huttered a shriek, sir, A scream, sir, a squeak, sir! Hinsect, you know, sir, Couldn't do so, sir. Wot should we find, sir, On its back, sir, be'ind, sir, Printed, exact, sir?-- A skull, sir,--a fact, sir! John gasped for breath, sir; Thought it was Death, sir-- Notice to quit, sir. John was that frit, sir, John 'ad a fit, sir-- Went a'most mad, sir. John very bad, sir; Better, bimeby, sir; 'Opes John won't die, sir. Doctor 'e said, sir, Moth, named death's 'ed, sir, In natteral 'istory, sir; Rare; but no mystery, sir: Honly a prize, sir, A catch in 'is heyes, sir, As a medical gent, sir, No call to repent, sir-- That's 'is belief, sir. A sirloin of beef, sir, Just up--very nice, sir. Bring you a slice, sir? Potatoes and greens, sir-- And any French beans, sir?" * * * * * [Illustration: _Mrs. Godolphin._ "Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?" _Mrs. Lascelles._ "No. _I_ was there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow." _Mrs. Godolphin._ "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF IMPORTANCE.--_Mrs. Brown._ "We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." _The Family Greengrocer._ "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth." _Mrs. Brown._ "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." _Mr. Green._ "Yes, ma'am. Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week _after_, ma'am?"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID "By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!" "Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID "You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!" "Oh, it's not quite so bad as _that_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FREAKS OF NATURE _Waiter._ "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A NEW DISH _Sympathising Swell_ (_waiting for some chicken_). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!" _Perspiring Footman._ "Very sorry, sir--just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIE _Little Boy._ "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was buttoned."] * * * * * [Illustration: BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE _Jones._ "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look--(_Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back._) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is the _Duke of Wellington_, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt--the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how _I_ would take Cronstadt----" _Brown._ "----After dinner."] * * * * * [Illustration: HEAVY _Stranger_ (_just arrived at the City of Eastminster_). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?" _Waiter._ "Anything you please, sir!" _Stranger._ "What are you celebrated for here?" _Waiter._ "Well, sir, there's the cathedral----!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: HORRIBLE SUSPICION _Old Gentleman._ "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two shillings and sixpence?" _Waiter._ "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."] * * * * * [Illustration: SELF-EXAMINATION _Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!--I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!--Have seen Brish inshychusion--all that shortothing--thatledo--here gosh!"] * * * * * [Illustration: DURING THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Old Farmer Wuzzle_ (_reading the bill of fare_). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?" _Miss Wuzzle_ (_who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand pianner" and who is never at a loss_). "Aller cart, father? Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--_Brown_ (_behind the age, but hungry_). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter." _Head Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir?" _Brown._ "The bill of fare." _Head Waiter._ "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(_to subordinate_)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the _menoo_!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "MELTING!" _Stout Chairman_ (_who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive_). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen." _Waiter._ "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!" _Stout Chairman._ "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week." "Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER" "All right, sir! My fault!"] * * * * * DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE (_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors_) SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._ _Smith._ I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did you get that toast-and-water? _Brown._ I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the recipe if you like. _Smith._ Do. It was excellent. What _is_ the secret? _Brown._ Something, I fancy, to do with watercress. _Jones._ I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or Persian? _Brown._ Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made. _Jones._ Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had been manufactured east of the Levant. _Brown._ More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a whitewash before we join the ladies? _Six Guests._ No, thanks! Really not! _Half-a-dozen more of the Company._ Really not! No, thanks! _Brown._ Nonsense! (_Produces a pint bottle of lemonade._) Nonsense, I repeat! Look here, my boys. (_Locks door._) Not one of you fellows shall leave the room until you have finished _this_! [_Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the temperance orgy._ * * * * * [Illustration: A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE "I say, won't they let _you_ go into long trousers?"] * * * * * [Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE THE GOORMONG. (_Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles_) _Mr. Huggins._ "_What_ a 'eavenly dinner it was!" _Mr. Buggins._ "B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE NEW SCHOOL.--_Uncle_ (_who is rather proud of his cellar_). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for you--don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?" _George._ "H'm--awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies--but I've arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my wine _dry_!" (_Sensation._)] * * * * * [Illustration: PLEASANT!--_Lord Reginald Sansdenier_ (_in answer to confidential remark of his host_). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being robbed!" _Sir Gorgius Midas._ "_Robbed_, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer lordship's too honnerable heven to _think_ of sich a thing!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Farmer._ "I say, John, what do you call a pineapple--a fruit or a vegetable?" _Waiter._ "A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always a hextra!"] * * * * * DINING AL FRESCO (_Extract from an Earl's Courtier's Notebook_) 6 P.M.--Come down early, to get a table. Can't. All the tables booked a week in advance. Very angry. Manager says he'll see what can be done for me--later on. Fairly satisfied. He had better! 7 P.M.--In state of heat. Have a fair appetite. Ask for table. "What table?" "The one promised me--later on." "Very sorry, but they are all engaged." Awfully angry. Explain that I am a person of some importance. Can do the place a great deal of good if I do have a table, and _vice versâ_. Manager desolated. See everybody else stuffing, drinking, and enjoying themselves. How they can have the heart! And _I_ table-less! But, no matter, a time will come. I'll write to "the leading journal" and denounce everything and everybody. 7.15 P.M.--Explosively wrathful. At last! Ha! ha! Got a table. But at the back somewhere. Strong smell of cooking. Distant echo of a band. Exceedingly annoyed. Have tasted _hors d'oeuvres_. Sardines decent. 7.20 P.M.--_Bonne Femme_ soup good. Have ordered champagne cup. Still annoyed. 7.30 P.M.--Salmon mayonnaise distinctly excellent. Good idea to have cold dinner. Champagne cup well brewed. Don't notice the smell of cooking. Can hear the band. Nice band. 7.40 P.M.--_Pâté de fois gras en aspic._ Capital Cold joint. First-rate. Salad artistically mixed. Second champagne cup as good as first. After all, place of table not so bad. [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: A TRUE ARTIST.--_Mamma_ (_to Tommy, who has been allowed for a few minutes to wait at table_). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to bed." _Tommy_ (_to footman_). "Do _you_ ever kiss the missus, Charles?" _Footman._ "No, sir!" _Tommy._ "Then _I_ won't!"] * * * * * THE MENU A LA MODE Come, Damon, since again we've met We'll feast right royally to-night, The groaning table shall be set With every seasonable delight! The luscious bivalve ... I forgot, The oyster is an arch-deceiver, And makes its eater's certain lot A bad attack of typhoid fever. With soup, then, be it thick or clear, The banquet fitly may commence-- Alas, on second thoughts, I fear With soup as well we must dispense. The doctors urge that, in effect, Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton. It's full of germs. I recollect They say the same of beef and mutton. Yes, each variety of meat, As you remark, is much the same, And we're forbidden now to eat Fish, oysters, poultry, joint or game. But though a Nemesis each brings, The punishment, the doctors tell, is As nothing to the awful things Awaiting all who toy with jellies. Cheese--that is not condemned with these Yet ample evidence we find To make us, Damon, look on cheese As simply poison to mankind; While those who may desire to pass Immediately o'er Charon's ferry, Have but to take a daily glass Of claret, hock, champagne or sherry. And therefore, Damon, you and I, Who fain would live a year at least, Reluctantly must modify The scope of our projected feast; A charcoal biscuit we will share, Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow, Since this appears the only fare On which destruction will not follow! * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: SMALL SOCIAL AGONIES _Hostess._ "It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got influenza!" _Enfant terrible._ "Oh, mummy, you _always_ say that!"] * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE A NOVELTY.--_Amiable Experimentalist._ "Makes a delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem. The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up of the mud-coloured epidermis, and----" [_General panic takes place_] * * * * * THE DIRGE OF THE DINER _A Restore-Wrong Rhyme_ "_Attendance is charged in the bill!_" Delighted we sit down to dine; And order our food and our wine. The waiter is passing polite, We eat with a grand appetite Of dishes compounded with skill. The room is so cosy and light; The glass and the silver are bright; Our flag of defiance is furled, We seem all at peace with the world, And rest quite contented until---- Attendance is charged one and nine. We pay its collector a fine; And give to the waiter polite A tip he regards as his right And duty of ours to fulfil! The carver, too, looks for a fee; The man with our coat, so does he! The porter expects something more, Who calls us a cab at the door!---- "_Attendance is charged in the bill!_" * * * * * [Illustration: THE GOLDEN KEY.--_Mr. Montgomerie._ "Ah! my dear boys, you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you--that--at some of the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound note _to get out of 'em_!" _Jones_ (_to his neighbour, sotto voce_). "Wonder how much it costs him to _get into_ 'em?"] * * * * * THE ECONOMICS OF SMOKING BY JOSEPH FUME. The man who smokes half his cigar, and puts the remainder by, knows nothing about smoking. The man who carries no cigar-case has no right to levy contributions on those who do. Never buy a cigar at a chemist's, they are sure to remind you of their origin. I once knew a chemist, who also sold wine and cigars, and I am sure he could only have had one workshop for his three businesses, and that was his laboratory. Mistrust the tobacco that is given in half-payment of a bill. Such dealers may be clever in drawing a bill, but it is rarely that their cigars are distinguished for being good "drawers." The man who smokes with wine is quite capable of taking sugar with oysters. * * * * * [Illustration: ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB.--The Montgomery Joneses celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.] * * * * * PROVERBS FOR TABLE Set a thief to catch a thief: Think of this when eating beef. All that glitters is not gold: Think of this when that beef's cold. Harm is done by too much zeal: Think of this when eating veal. Life's a jest, and all things show it: Think of this when drinking Moet. Happiness flies Court for garret: Think of this when drinking claret. Gold may oft be bought too dear: Think of this when drinking beer. Many littles make a mickle: Think of this when eating pickle. Silent fools may pass for wise: Think of this when eating rice. Unto Rome conduct all roads: Think of this when eating toads. Flog first fault: _principiis obsta_, Think of this when eating lobster. While grass grows the horse may starve: Think of this when asked to carve. Shake the tree when fruit is ripe: Think of this when eating tripe. Fools build houses, wise men buy: Think of this when eating pie. Pause, ere leaping in the dark: Think of this when eating lark. Punctual pay gets willing loan: Think of _this_ when drinking Beaune. Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers: Think o' _this_ when eating cauliflowers. Birds of a feather flock together: Think of this when the idiot of a cook has boiled the oysters in the sauce, and made them as tough as leather. [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _Hostess._ "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the table!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Waiter_ (_who has "seen better days"--absently, as he pours out the champagne_). "Say when!"] * * * * * SPRING-CLEANING. "In Spring when woods are getting green," My wife begins the house to clean, And I am driven from this scene, Of scrub-land. The mops and pails left on the stairs I come across, quite unawares, And break my shins and utter--prayers, For tub-land. In clouds of dust I choke and cough, Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff, I'd go (if I were not a toff) To pub-land. But--mum--I won't kick up a shine Nor of delight give any sign, But, quietly, I'm off to dine In Club-land. * * * * * A SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore. * * * * * A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf. * * * * * POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's. * * * * * TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn. * * * * * [Illustration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pass the _salt_, please?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you can--ah--leave us!" _Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is, sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see, sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!] * * * * * DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT Abolish party? Whose delight were greater Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty. But oh! I _can't_ agree with the _Spectator_, Who'd do away with--gods!--the dinner party! No, let us compromise,--we'll all be winners,-- And firmly banish party from our dinners! * * * * * SYMPATHY (SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_) _Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day. _Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver. _Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean. [_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling_] * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._ "Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke again!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "CRAMMING"] * * * * * "CRAMMING." _Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?" _Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?" [_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments._ [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none----" _Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!" _Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SEASONABLE LUXURY _Old Gent_ (_disgusted_). "Here, waiter! Here's a--here's a--a--caterpillar in this chop!" _Waiter_ (_flippantly_). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST _Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included." _Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?" _Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're drinking now!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND _Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?" _Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."] * * * * * [Illustration: MISTAKEN IDENTITY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no----!!!" [_Brown never got over it all the evening._] * * * * * [Illustration: AN AWFUL CRAMMER _Proprietor of boarding-house_ (_taking stout guest aside_). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!" _Diner._ "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three--I really--afraid I should--but I'll try!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE BETTING EVIL. _Waiter_ (_down tube_). "Wild duck, one!" _Voice from the kitchen._ "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NOT VERY LIKELY _Waiter_ (_in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder_). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M--let's see--a _glass of milk_, sir, wasn't it?"] * * * * * [Illustration: FIGURATIVE _Head Waiter_ (_the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese_). "Hi! James--let loose the Gorgonzola!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BEWILDERING _Mr. Wuzzles_ (_up for the cattle-show_). "Cheese, waiter!" '_Robert._' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo----" _Mr. Wuzzles_ (_testily_). "No, no! I said _cheese_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "ON THE FACE OF IT" _Host._ "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?" _New Butler._ "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AWFUL WARNING!--_Guest_ (_at City Company dinner_). "I'm uncommonly hungry!" _Ancient Liveryman_ (_with feeling_). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was--(_sighs_)--'couldn't taste at all--anything--for the rest of the evening!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing--as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Testy Old Uncle_ (_unable to control his passion_). "Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me. For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer." [_Exit old gent, who alters his will._ Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_] * * * * * [Illustration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE" _Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it, waiter?" '_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dish!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of----" _He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER _Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?" _Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"] * * * * * [Illustration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF SCENE.--_A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L--nd--n._ _Waiter._ "Paysir? Yessir--Whataveyeradsir?" _Matter-of-fact old gentleman_ (_who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"_). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients." [_Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump._] * * * * * [Illustration: _Dolly._ "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you _really_ left your songs at home?" _Miss Sharp._ "Yes, dear. Why?" _Dolly._ "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: EUREKA!--_Isaacstein_ (_late of Whitechapel, showing old friend over bathroom in new house_). "What am I goin' to do with it? Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep goldfish!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Juvenile._ "Uncle!" _Uncle._ "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me up, sir!" _Juvenile._ "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine, that's a good old chap."] * * * * * NURSERIANA.--_Little Chris._ "Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again." _Mamma._ "Moulted! What do you mean?" _Little Chris._ "Why, he's just dropped another tooth!" * * * * * [Illustration: SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER (Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)] * * * * * [Illustration: SAT UPON _Hospitable Host._ "Does any gentleman say pudden?" _Precise Guest._ "No, sir. No _gentleman_ says _pudden_."] * * * * * [Illustration: UNEXPECTED GRATUITY.--_Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!" _Old Gent_ (_grandly_). "Oh dear no--not at all, not at all! I never give less!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Hickling_ (_to friend, who finds some difficulty in keeping his cigar alight_). "I say, old man, what matches do you smoke?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _He._ "Fond of Bridge?" _She._ "Awfully!" _He._ "Do you know I always think there's something _wanting_ in people who don't play?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Party_ (_very naturally excited_). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!" _Waiter_ (_blandly_). "It's of no consequence, sir--it's only a dirty one!"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS _Jones_ (_blue ribbon--to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner_). "Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a _bit_! Either you must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _Guest_ (_who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't_). "You must come and dine with _me_, Jones!" _Host._ "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?" _Guest._ "_Now!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: "NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!" _British Farmer._ "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!" _Waiter._ "Grew-yere, sir." _British Farmer_ (_suspiciously_). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"] * * * * * [Illustration] THE END BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. * * * * * *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.