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THE

BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN;

CONTAINING

A COLLECTION OF OVER

ONE THOUSAND

OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND
HUMORISTS.

PHILADELPHIA:
GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER,
NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET.
1860.


Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by
G. G. EVANS
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of
Pennsylvania.




PREFACE.


NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the
human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and
important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has
been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to
inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were
really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test
question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then
it was rejected.

Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of
course, out of the question.




BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN




LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN.


THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his
lordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachman
for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons.
The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of
character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any
character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully
receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"The
bearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity of
coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him
because he cheated me."--(Signed) "MANSFIELD." John thanked his
lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was
going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a
man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he
recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem
to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the
character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding
good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new
master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as
an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the
qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he
discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm
a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_.'"




A DISCLAIMER.


GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of
it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your
name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long
name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name."
"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was _no
relation of mine_."




A CONSIDERATE DARKIE.


"CÆSAR," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin the
branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed
for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall
down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket.
Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls and
kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?"




OCULAR DEMONSTRATION.


MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. e._, a teacher of
vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of
a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of
Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a
rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought
Enoch had any ear for music.

"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take
the candle and see?"




A SUFFICIENT REASON.


THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons
and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson
----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why,"
said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to
stop."




INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS.


"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household
growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It
took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the
nasty insides into the strate."




YANKEE THRIFT.


QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute
island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the
inhabitants."




SAFE MAN.


A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious
hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last
one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense."

"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then
you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver
died in the employ of any master I iver sarved."




A PAIR OF HUSBANDS.


A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr.
Husband to the lady of his choice:

"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a
husband, and so is the wife."




ART CRITICISM.


AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding
with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther
at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits,
the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the
worms?"




CUTTING A SWELL.


"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily
engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being
asked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued his
amusement without further interruption.




TALLEYRAND.


TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter
of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady
had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah,
madame!"




THAT'S NOTHING.


A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously:
"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he
would be one hundred and fifty years old."




LARGE POCKET-BOOK.


THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a
coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death
by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon
the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for
$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers."




DEGRADATION.


WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over.
"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing,
but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad."




DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL.


A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears
so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal.




DR. PARR.


DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in
Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled
down his cheeks.

One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal,"
Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might
have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman;
he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican,
but he might have been an apostate."




GOOD.


DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
monotony of the proceedings:

Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one
would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel
for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and
an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:

"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a
different story?"

"A different story from what I have told, sir?"

"That is what I mean."

"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story
from what I have told, but they couldn't."

"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are."

"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them."

The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators,
indulged in a hearty laugh.




I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN.


THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running
for Congress.

It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been
to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the
hardships he had endured. Says he:

"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip
the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no
other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen
ground, till every footstep was marked with blood."

Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much
affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping
the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and
interrupting him, says:

"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"

"Yes, sir, I did."

"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen
ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"

"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker.

"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful
emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your
country, and I'll vote for the other man!"




THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.


TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop.




DECLINING AN OFFICE.


"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined
the office of Alderman?"

"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?"

"O, no."

"What then? Nominated?"

"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active
part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up
the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not
nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to
the duties?"

"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"

"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing."




GOOD WITNESSES.


AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the
bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in
behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he
had had no opportunity to communicate with them!"




TALLEYRAND'S WIT.


"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been
supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry
suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is,
however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have
made a similar exclamation on a like occasion.




A FIGHTING FOWL.


DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild
animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the
exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel
Crockett attended.

"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the
first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance
asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking
at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some
water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them
things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will
kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were
talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American
lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turn
him out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the
zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun;
and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a
pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't
that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who
it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio.'
There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning
round, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a
right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either
slandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell me
which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next
morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to
me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.'
Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am
challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he.
'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'"




ELEPHANT.


WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some
handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he
had returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) an
announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could
they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent."




"THE LAST WAR."


MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of
his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in
which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members
cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after,
repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last
war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt,
turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir,
the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was
instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.




KISSES.


WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts
your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad
of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high
as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch
an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know
I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute
paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_,
however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lord
of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen
love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever.
The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a
verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they
won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with
the following:--

    I'd freely give whole years of bliss,
    To gather from thy lips one kiss.

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately
returned:--

    Young men present these to their favourite Miss,
      And think by such means to entrap her;
    But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss,
      The right kind hain't got any wrapper.

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather,
and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving
the _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls,
more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling,
half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be
careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless
you be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust.
When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else
but you, I'd make a fuss about it."




AMERICAN WONDERS.


"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom.
"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no
time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to
come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom.
"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all
the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul
me." "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?"
replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing
before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at
her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I
cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side,
and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when
they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the
American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty
considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other
side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything
about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the
men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After
that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't
let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all
this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast
in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What
sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses,
I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot,
beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up
Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are
passing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the
mile-stones we are passing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I
expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning
chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't
catch him."




NO HARM.


"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in
breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the
yolk."




TAKEN DOWN A PEG.


AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway,
stepped up to him and inquired:

"How much do you ax for thim houses?"

"What do you ask me that for?"

"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the
Irishman.




DUTCH MARRIAGE.


AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the
peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first
said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh
dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the
man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man
you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell,
vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she
answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are
marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what
was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it
vill do you any good."




SAVE THE MATERIAL.


A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a
neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a made
Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that
I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy."




BE DISCREET.


IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her
tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoining
room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not
be missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this,
little boys.




TRAVELER'S TALE.


A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed
that there was no great matter in it--"for," said he, "we ran, and they
ran after us."




AN OPINION.


A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing
by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I
presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."




GARRICK.


A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation
of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would
rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool
in parliament."




JONATHAN'S LAST.


THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old
that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive
who can remember it for them.




METAPHYSICS.


A SCOTCH blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained
it as follows:--"When the party who listens disna ken what the party who
speaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he means
himsel'--that is metaphysics."




FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.


THE _Wheeling Gazette_ gives the following, as an extract from the
recent address of a barrister "out west," to a jury:--"The law expressly
declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where
no doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetch
him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of my
client, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him,
and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, and
reflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. But
if, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set at
nought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitches
of conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; and
my injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one of
these dark nights, _as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_."




A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY.


"WILL you never learn, my dear, the difference between real and
exchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had been
lucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Oh
yes, my dear, I think I begin to see." "Indeed!" responded the lady.
"Yes," replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deep
learning, and all your other virtues. That's your _real_ value. But I
know, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me.
That's your _exchangeable_ value.




COULDN'T UNDERSTAND.


"AH, Pat, Pat," said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin into
whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet--"I'm afraid
you'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?"

"Sure, and I don't know ma'am," replied Pat.

"Thought you might have remembered that."

"Why, ma'am?"

"Because it has a dot over the top of it."

"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck."

"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I."

"You, ma'am?"

"No! no! not U but I."

"Not I, but you, ma'am--how's that?"

"Not U, but I, blockhead!"

"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I but
you are a blockhead?"

"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage.

"Just as you please," quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead--it's no
matter, so long as yer free to own it!"




GREAT CALF.


AT a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculously
conspicuous, at last broke forth--"Call these ere prize cattle? Why,
they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised the
biggest calf of any man round our parts."

"I don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest."




GO IN AND WIN.


"MA, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said a
beautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day.

"What put that notion into your head, Sally?"

"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting."

"Pray, what is it?"

"A 'Westchester Farmer,' I hope he will be a good looking one!"




NOT HERE.


A CORRESPONDENT from Northampton, Mass., is responsible for the
following:--"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our post
office, the other day, and enquired if _The Friend of Virtue_ had come.
"No," replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for a
long time."




GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS.


THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr.
Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called
upon me for your account?"

"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money."

"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"

"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is
not a gentleman, and then I ask him."




CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND.


I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been
witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there
with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to
put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he
immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange
hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last."
"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been
driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are
starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the
hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was
proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watch
is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend
take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?"
"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other,
that I did not choose to interfere."--_Rogers' Table-talk._




MINISTERIAL DRINKING.


STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent
Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next
morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to
Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied;
"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much
wine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could not
guess.--"Seven bottles, sir."




PARR AND ERSKINE.


DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their
time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the
conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his
junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the
noble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide."




SENATORIAL PECULIARITY.


A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to the
Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr.
Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_." Precisely the same
complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts,
against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended
himself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing his
tobacco_."




FAMILY FLEAS.


WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his
landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which
some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous
last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed
Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a
single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his
lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families."




PULPIT PLEASANTRY.


ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus
addressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am
going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then,"
said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from
the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation,
"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We
know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the
pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he
came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he
asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do
not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do
not know."--_Turkish Jest-book._




AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND.


THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and
declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't
do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove
it, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing."




BRUMMELL.


"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late
Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort,"
answered the astonished and indignant epicure.




BATHOS.


SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an
Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor
of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a
course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my
country--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and
revolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and to
cause _a fall in the price of butter in Waterford_."




DANGEROUS VISITS.


A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving
the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the
doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger?
"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long
as the doctor continued his visits!"




NONSENSE.


BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir,
it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot."




CONCEIT.


I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the most
entertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow without
him. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longer
in comin' out._--_Sam Slick's Wise Saws._




KISSING BY PROXY.


ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually
kissed the bride at weddings.

"Always," was the reply.

"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next
question.

"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is
appointed to the deacons!"




A BARGAIN.


"I RECKON I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a
genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a
certain merchant in St. Louis.

"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't," was the sneering
reply.

"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozen
ginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em
for two dollars."

"I tell you I don't want any of your strops--so you may as well be going
along."

"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if you
make me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!"

"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a
bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum.

"Now," said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops."

"They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes.

"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent
honesty, "I'll trade back."

The merchant's countenance brightened.

"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your
strops--give me the money."

"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passed
over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the
next time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little better
than buy razer strops."

And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the
shouts of the laughing crowd.




CONUNDRUMS.


WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is a
tall fellow and the other not at all.

Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he's taken for
better or worse.

Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all
individuals?--Because he's the querist.

Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin."

Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs
himself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters.




READY REPLY.


A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir,
did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I've seen a
rope walk."




A YANKEE PRAYER.


IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man,
of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets,"
who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious,
though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It
happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected
to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival,
he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The
minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"O
Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a
rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John;
send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the
biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but
rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance."




CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE.


COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr.
Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him."




PRESENCE OF MIND.


I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger
_to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have
absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._




GLORY WITHOUT DANGER.


A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the
expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and
thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his
friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had
cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been
more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must
know his head was cut off before."




LORD CHESTERFIELD.


WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord
Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage,
that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter."

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they
looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."




UNANIMITY.


A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council,
the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow
standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the
better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But,
friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray
they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what
cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one."




SIMPLICITY.


THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his
diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your
officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and
carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford
replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."




PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY.


A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in
Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the
dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his
father--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day,
trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried,
and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of
patriotism the gentleman contributed.




SHERIDAN.


SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome
member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt
information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.




THE WAY TO WIN A KISS.


THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the
coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law
approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the
fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss."
"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!"
replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do
it; but thee must not make a practice of it."




A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT.


IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said,
"I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on
your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think
differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered
home without another word of objection.




DRUNKENNESS.


A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again,
Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk
again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo.




CAN'T BE BEAT.


A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as
the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody
can bait."




MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*]


_Paris, December 10th, 1823._

MY DEAR MR. BULL,--Having often heard travelers lament not having put
down what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determined
while I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containing
the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to
me--therefore I begin with my departure from London.

Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7
o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over
Westminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never pass
Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second,
who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse
Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears
whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see
what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is
quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the
town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its
curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called
William Roofus.

Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's
_ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built,
Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In
this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because
they are exhibited _nightly_ during the season.

The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it was
here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has
promised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead of
himself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, because
his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_
at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is a
very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name
only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate.
Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St.
George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great
Institutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the
_Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim the
gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham,
I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand upon
the declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to be
superseded by _Serampores_.

When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of
noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the
man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying,
that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being
a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the
mistake. N. B.--Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantly
resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance
the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like
anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. At
the inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered with
flowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we
got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold
_collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dear
husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_,
but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one.

As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewed
me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_,
but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the
Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying
on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a
very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books.

At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable
buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church
is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he
_perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old
_Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches and
powder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do I
think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen
miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my poor husband was
extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a
very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice,
I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne,
just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park.
It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was
preparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went to
look at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has
when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water
here, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, I
suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl
next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the
castle,--which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I
conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man
said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I
told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I
should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander
the _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as we
were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and
the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at
Lavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a
"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins'
poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as if
everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor
gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff
Highway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a
boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the
season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about
all the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which I
did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that
way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as I
imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of
very considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, and
did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled
about--however I felt quite mal-á-propos--and instead of exciting any of
the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the
handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought
his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I
_ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever
beheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a
library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they
can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid
me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that
was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so
ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable
middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his
wife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be found
among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off
I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called
out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what
the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not
see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hope
it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite
shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate the
nobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_
of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight of
England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear
first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my
very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr.
Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but
Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her
feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ of
my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in
different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at
breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups
of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some
potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of
warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got
into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the
packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to
keep everything snug and comfortable.

Adieu,

Yours truly,
DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM.

[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook.




VERY BUSY.


SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied,
"Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow."




JOHN BULL.


THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money
when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates.
In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day
of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the
countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these
affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the
kindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_Sydney
Smith._




YANKEE INGENUITY.


IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most
of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a
gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of
business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as
he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it,
and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up
steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for
smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him.
"Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how
you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very
like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?"
"No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own
eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust
mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was
because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't
convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our
almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself,
and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't
smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see
if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the
cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the
smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. High
Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do
you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he
was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady
line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens
up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's
liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It
was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't
think it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick._




COMFORTABLE.


THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or
three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying:
"When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often." It was Sir
Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you
finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered,
"No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."




HORNE TOOKE.


WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father
was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.)

He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the
natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by
my levity."

To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the
rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern."

He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their
prayers--backwards.




LAMB AND ERSKINE.


COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually
prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one
occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark
that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No
wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows
the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."




THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE.


I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:--"We are
come," said he, "for your good--for _all_ your _goods_." "A universal
principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
truths, only told by mistake."--_Ethel Churchill._




TALLEYRAND'S WIT.


TALLEYRAND being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long since
known, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a little
tiresome?" "Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."

A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy of
his mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length--he
himself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under the
marriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who may
not have been very well favoured," was Talleyrand's remark, which at
once released the circle from the subject.

When Madame de Staël published her celebrated novel of _Delphine_, she
was supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, and
M. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principal
characters. "They tell me," said he, the first time he met her, "that we
are both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women."

Rulhières, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution,
having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life." "And
when will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply.

"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially when
they amuse themselves," was the reply.

"She is insupportable," said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of one
well known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something of
what he had said, he added, "it is her only defect."




BUSSING.


BUSS--to kiss. Re-bus--to kiss again. Blunder-buss--two girls kissing
each other. Omni-bus--to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter--a
general kisser. _E pluri_-bus _unum_--a thousand kisses in one.




WANTED.


"YOU want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unruly
son. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it," replied the
brat.




NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES.


The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, as
having occurred to himself.

AT the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city of
Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, together
with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when
the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several
questions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short of
the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that _every one_ of us has
sinned?" The boy hesitated--but upon a repetition of the question, the
lad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on
the front form." The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw a
school girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he therefore
held up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to
_signs_ from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the
meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, was
an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, they
therefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Church
exclaimed in an exulting tone, "_perpendicular_," to the astonishment
and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear,
of not a few of the congregation.




MRS. PARTINGTON.


"SO there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington,
as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning lather
running down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire."




AN HIBERNIAN M. P.


A VERY laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irish
member, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed by
loud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already,
he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a second
speech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, when
seeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not the
slightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, he
observed, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue,
"If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, they
are quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I had
nothing more to say on the subject." The house was convulsed with
laughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit of
the Hibernian M. P.--_Random Recollections of the Lords and
Commons.--New Series._




MODESTY.


THERE is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night
before retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man in
the moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who would
not allow the _Christian Observer_ to remain in her room over night.




AMERICAN TOAST.


"THE ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without
laws--judge without jury--decide without appeal, and are never in the
wrong."




PASSING A COUNTERFEIT.


DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was a
counterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story to
Smithers, when the latter said:

"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?"

"Why, what have I done?"

"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such," said
Smithers, without a smile, and fled.




LORD CHESTERFIELD.


LORD Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches,
very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am
not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson."




A PENNY.


A GOOD woman called on Dr. B---- one day in a great deal of trouble, and
complained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam," said the
Doctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply.
"Then it will pass, of course," rejoined the facetious physician.




JOHNSON.


A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No
madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is the
least disagreeable."




CLEVER LAMPOON.


UPON Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whom
people of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy,
nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if we
understand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found among
her papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo,
probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in the
rebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed _Feckie_ and _Fed_.

    "Here lies Prince Fed,
    Gone down among the dead.
    Had it been his father,
    We had much rather;
    Had it been his mother,
    Better than any other;
    Had it been his sister,
    Few would have miss'd her;
    Had it been the whole generation,
    Ten times better for the nation;
    But since 'tis only Fed,
    There's no more to be said."




IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES.


A GOOD story is told of a "country gentleman," who, for the first time,
heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracy
and pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the
people were "stuck up." "Pshaw! no," replied he, "why the minister
preached in his shirt-sleeves."




A MORMON PREACHER.


THE _Boston Herald_, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormon
preacher, says:--"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached,
baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a star
engagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled up
all his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strange
mortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We close
this article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor,
for strongly criticising his performance of _Richard III_. The office of
the editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adams
armed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, the
unsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him,
exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall give
thee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keep
tally." So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with hearty
good will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around the
avenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let the
man go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my name
is Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I have
chastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at the
Providence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortal
creations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, and
will, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on the
immortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to the
question 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you.--Amen!"




JOHN KEMBLE.


JOHN KEMBLE was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine.
He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from the
Priory, (Lord Abercorn's,) where they had dined; and as they were
waiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of the
toll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no _change_;
and, least of all, such _change_ as he would bring us."




A SURPRISE.


A GREEN 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the
hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed
his surprise--"Well, if the darned thing aint holler."




QUEER DUEL.


AN Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a
duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, of
course) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. The
Englishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired up
the chimney, and brought down--the Frenchman, who had taken refuge
there.




LAWYERS.


"A LAWYER," said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learned
gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it
himself."




A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX."


SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now
for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself
capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you
shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would
well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the
manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs
general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being
received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with
so much facility as the French.

I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but,
since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an
object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians
even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew,
who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well,
never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in
some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and
mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for
fun, what he bring at his theatre.

Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the
paque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garçon
at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but,
very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it
was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to
advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse
with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs.

But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the
public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of
the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in
London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I
was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed.
So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and
hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone,
because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the
world is ignorant.

The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as
Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of
the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of
wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn.
It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use
it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place;
and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very much
pleased with the invention so novel.

Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look
at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin
to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about
and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one
word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was
"_box_ the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never
mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the
hotel, but as there has been no _table d'hôte_, I ask for some dinner,
and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary
house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or
excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my
equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters,
who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world
what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner
is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way,
Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _café_ room." "Well,
never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger
country, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari._' Keep the eyes
open and stare at nothing at all."

I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from
France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table
particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole
fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put
in another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him
twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_." Very well. I
take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a
wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London
with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I
ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all
together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded,
that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothing
to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the
little _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I was
put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some
spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the
theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the
man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I
would not go into the _boxes_. "Very well," I say, "never mind--oh
yes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, same
thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to
comprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had been
to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to
swallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that
must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little
_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very
ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility
learn a language what meant so many differents in one word.

I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, did
you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I
replied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I
shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets
in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I
would recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall tell
everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a
_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I
think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to
send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to
some friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire,
but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty
laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the
porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to
it yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet."
Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look
direct into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of the
other _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing.

Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and
dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_,
what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage.

In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and
I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what
they can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business was
put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who
showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a
window--"There see, there was the letter-_box_," and I perceive a
crevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day," I say, and give my letter
to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very
soon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then come
the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say
was--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capote
with many scrapes.

"But--never mind," I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time." So he
kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the
country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I
have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take
courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels
cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;"
then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the
_boxes_ what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn
that wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle.

Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then
come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what
it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name,
but it is what we call a snug country _box_."

Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he
amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall
see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a
forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of
him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord
Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he
hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of
country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I
demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is
in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I
myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very
polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of
yours, Sir."

"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he
pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to
be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with
inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of
yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of
the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with
patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we
come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large
concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_
match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of
_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance,
and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."

Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand
a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish,
great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand
why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but
very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel,
and one has given another a _box_ on the ear."

Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the
women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once
more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and
agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come
one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman
say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made
some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long
explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish
not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one
narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice,
cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll
tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I
shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was
not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning.

Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my
seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite
demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little
time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is
real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very
honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir,
because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this
night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find
some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I
tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have
hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very
sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card
what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the
darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very
polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these
come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy
gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray
inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself
very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber;
and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_
Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh?
But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting,
and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at
Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I
have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak
there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read
three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I
discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost
"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the
poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not
hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect.

After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for
another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct
idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at
all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.

I have the honour of subscribe myself,

Your much obedient servant,

LOUIS LE CHEMINANT.

P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire
for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come
and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to
give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas
_Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._




ABSURDITIES.


TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose
money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.--To ask the
publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask
a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally
disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain
some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next
morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder
that you are ragged.--To sit shivering in the cold because you won't
have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read
more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge
of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on
miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed
when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make
your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they
tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other
people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and
expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by
hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the
means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is
asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to
an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of
its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving
it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it
did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople
will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby
clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice,
folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.




GOOD REASON.


AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out,
replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em."




PUTTING DOWN A LADY.


AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and
thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit
down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I
think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her
stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired
effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing
by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what
was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she
had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how
she gets them on."




WOMAN'S RIGHTS.


MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the
question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_
inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"




A COMPROMISE.


A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a
store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer.
The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after
using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent,
proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay
you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the
grocer to stand out against.




ELECTION MORALS.


AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent
contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was
impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh,"
said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for
nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my
vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._




A QUANDARY.


THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both
arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers."
We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the
thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied
theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains,
determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that
matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation
on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and
prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one
leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and
then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to
his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come
up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._




ELEGANT EXTRACT.


A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making
"elegant extracts."




EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.


THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:--

_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet.

_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years.

_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands.

_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_!
Did I say sixteen _feet_?

_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was
sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself!




THE CAPE COD YANKEE.


A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:

"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store
deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over
opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of
lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking
notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would
you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself
rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the
pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over
her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava
running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport,
and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed
three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw
eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter
awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that
is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell
and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping
cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The
other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel
took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a
half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate
wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just
tell them that I'm thar myself."




JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE.


A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's
wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not
schleepy_."




SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY.


A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection
taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other
things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed
round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_."




DEFINITIONS.


A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the
difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear,"
replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be
_exported_, and I should be _transported_."




CHANCERY.


EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and
the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa
constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly
in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great
estate_.--_Sydney Smith._




SMART UNS.


FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please,
sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you
dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why
does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_
rise." "Out, you booby!"




MRS. PARTINGTON.


MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a
debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses
to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body,
if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea."




TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW.


TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of
money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good
attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury;
8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man
should hesitate before going to law.




ERROR CORRECTED.


THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated
the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most
distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The
collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that
he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should
have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.




A QUERY.


WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can
easily catch cold.




BACKGAMMON.


TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of
backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him."




TALLEYRAND AGAIN.


MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was
remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions,
he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal
interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the
right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most
intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes,
and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what
interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now."




AN EVENING PARTY.


A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him,
every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those
parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against
the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as
neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had
best go home."




SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.


"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin'
room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes.
'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin'
an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my
gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with
you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy
was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just
fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round
her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the
other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such
a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and
shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and
the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever
was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I
couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,'
says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my
fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things
as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear,
mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and
fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must
say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut
to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of
it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State,
too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent,
onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with
you.'"--_Sam Slick._




A GREAT CALF.


SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which
were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two
colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of
that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was,
the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._




TAXATION.


THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of
Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to
have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers'
ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that all
the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._




AN ITINERANT MARTYR.


"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you
left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How,"
replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police
officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you,
and as the public didn't, you left."




SEE--SAW.


"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever
_saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_."




FELLOW-FEELING.


A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An
Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"




MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS.


THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very
ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good
bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers
once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked
if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the
meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant
"preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a
petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the
Free Church of Scotland."




WHAT IS A SPOON?


A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing
them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds
a lady's hand without squeezing it.




A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.


"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight
years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to
him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your
honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff.




UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.


ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by
the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill.
"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an
accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of
London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you
are younger than you are."




TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION.


SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced
unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know
it, Sir Fletcher."




A YANKEE STORY.


AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee
traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in
England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It
suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a
peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We
are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence
ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train
would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I
suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied
the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We
run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No
use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train
gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee;
"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn't
answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were
going at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold
my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles
ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper.
It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was
picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the
locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside
me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths
that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor
fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried
lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some
so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came
by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it
still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The
inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much
light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs
along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in
sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning
fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the
rest I know to be so."--_New York Tribune._




ANCIENT DESCENT.


NOT long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond of
boasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who,
he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you not
know that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And,
mayhap," retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found mine
here when they comed." The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it.




BAD'S THE BEST.


MR. CANNING was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked the
sermon he had preached before him.

"Why, it was a short sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh, yes," said the
preacher; "you know I avoid being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning,
"you _were_ tedious."




QUEER DUELS.


A CERTAIN man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from a
young gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointed
place. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasure
rushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested that
he could not lift his arm "_against his own flesh and blood_!" The young
gentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon his
mother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man of
pleasure had foreseen) no duel took place.

HUMPHREY HOWARTH, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearance
in the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, who
asked him what he meant. "I know," said H., "that if any part of the
clothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues;
and therefore I have met you thus." His antagonist declared, that
fighting with a man _in puris naturalibus_, would be quite ridiculous;
and accordingly they parted, without further discussion.

LORD ALVANLEY, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell,
gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, and
brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said,
"My lord, I only took you to ----." Alvanley interrupted him, "My
friend, the guinea is _for bringing me back_, not for taking me out."




PROVOKING.


TO kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps.




TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH.


MY friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before he
quitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at the
country." I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we were
accustomed to say "going into the country." He thanked me for this
correction and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I will
knock _into your_ door, on my return."--_Memorials._




PHILOSOPHY.


_Experimental_ philosophy--asking a man to lend you money. _Moral_
philosophy--refusing to do it.




INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT.


SYDNEY SMITH, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the
_Edinburgh_, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievement
is matched by the disposal of a work in the _Courier and Enquirer_, as
follows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the book
itself:--

"_The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia._ A Tale by SAMUEL
JOHNSON, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo., pp. 206.
New York: C. S. FRANCIS & CO.

"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue with
eagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform the
promises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will be
supplied by the morrow; attend to the history of _Rasselas_, Prince of
Abyssinia."




CURIOUS CONVEYANCE.


SUTTON was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke of
Lancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M.
Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:--

    "I, John of Gaunt,
    Do give and do grant,
    Unto Roger Burgoyne,
    And the heirs of his loin,
    Both Sutton and Potton,
    Until the world's rotten."




SMOKING MANNERS.


A KENTUCKIAN visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, he
drank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to the
annoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for his
troublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and when
it was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. When
it had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servant
who had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerable
troublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'm
hung if I don't spit in it."




LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH.


MR. LANDSEER, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev.
Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canon
biblically replied--"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this
thing?"




SPECKLED BUTTER.


"DO you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer,
who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Boston
merchant.

"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer.

"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only two
churnings."

"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant.

"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question if
you'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than the
butter is."




A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER.


THE post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one.
There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, and
the passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them,
properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequently
subjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department to
animated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. We
heard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. on Capt. Cobb's
train on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost.
A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with two
trunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage master
promptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge of
twenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, and
losing his temper, peremptorily asked:--

"Will you check my baggage, sir?"

"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George.

"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler.

"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?"

"Certainly--it is baggage," positively returned the passenger.

"Well," said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulations
nothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddle
is your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, just
allow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of the
road without any extra charge whatever."

The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat.--_Bristol
News._




A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE.


NOTHING vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, and
to find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is the
matter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind,
recorded of an eminent English surgeon.

He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slight
wound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable,
and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said:

"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!"

"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't run
there like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possibly
get back."




A CONSTELLATION.


THE following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an
aspirant for Thespian honors:

"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager.

"An engagement at your theatre," said the applicant.

"But you stammer."

"Like Hatterton."

"You are very small."

"Like Kean."

"You speak monotonously."

"Like Macready."

"And through the nose."

"Like Booth."

"And you make faces."

"Like Burton."

"You have badly shaped legs."

"Like Wallack."

"And brawny arms."

"Like Forrest."

"An obese person."

"Like Blake."

"But you unite the defects of all these stars."

"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all."




INTEREST.


"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire.
"Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a
kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest
after we were married."




FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP.


ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curious
specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray,
wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn't
afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever
chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that
aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected.
One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in
disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to
herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her
attention.

"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side.

"To get rid of you."

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"No, you are worse than a burdock bur."

"You won't get rid of me neither."

"I won't! eh?"

"Only in one way."

"And what?"

"Marry me!"

"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?"

"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry."

"Well, no, then."

"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again."

"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!"

"Yes or no?"

"I must consult"--

"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye."

"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I
believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'll
consider."

"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for
me. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye."

"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I die
for it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!"




AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT.


AT the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action
for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge
suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would
take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a
bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at
the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard
o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old
lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered
stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm
ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._




BAD DINNER.


THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that
everything was sour but the vinegar.




PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN.


SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are
set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer.

A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is
approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot,
with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:

"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"

"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer.

"Super and lotchin, I reckon?"

"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please."

"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?"

"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler."

"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?"

"No, sir."

"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles
petter tan to make te shoes?"

"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes."

"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you
vish, shoost to get rid of you?"

"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent."

"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag,
and running off mit my daughter?"

"No sir, I am no tooth-puller."

"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?"

"No, I am no phrenologist."

"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have
te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a
cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning."

"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preserves
all arts--a typographer at your service."

"Votch dat?"

"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers."

"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat
printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers!
I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict
schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vas
him!"




TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION.


A NEW ORLEANS lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding her
idolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for the
children, as "none of them were his."




TELLING ONE'S AGE.


A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near
thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret
at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every
day."




ALL FLESH IS DUST.


"MAMMA," said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if all
people are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?"




TALLEYRAND.


AT a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, a
gentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were going
on. "Why, as you see, Sir," was the reply.




KITCHINER AND COLMAN.


THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivans_ of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, _inter alios_, the late
George Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of a
little monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused to
be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never be
forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
"Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
was punished accordingly.




CREDIT.


AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
tradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
debts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested,
because it shows that the party once had credit.




SWIFT.


IN the reign of King William, it happened that the king had either
chosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Non
rapui, sed recepi,"--"I did not steal it, but received it," alluding to
his being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swift
by one of the court emissaries. "And what," said he to the Dean, "do you
think the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese,"
said the Dean. "No," said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi.'"
"Aye," said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '_The
receiver is as bad as the thief._'"




ALL CORNED.


A SHOWMAN giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind., was offered by one
man a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying that
all the members of his company had been corned for the last week.




THE SEWING MACHINE.


"WHAT do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman of
his friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh," replied the punster, "I
consider it a capital make shift."




POLITENESS.


AN Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed over
his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "You
see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."




GEORGE SELWYN.


GEORGE SELWYN, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he
never missed _being in at a death_ at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the
father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, he
was informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called to
inquire for him. "On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you
let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shall
have great pleasure in seeing _him_; and if I am a corpse, _he will have
great pleasure in seeing me_."




CHANCERY PUN.


LORD ELDON (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, _Lord Erskine_,
that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyage
of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, what
himself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas.
"On _the Seals_, to be sure," replied Parry. "And a very good living,
too," said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"--_Twiss's
Life of Lord Eldon._




KILTS.


I SHALL be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't got
no woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tear
your clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; they
don't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can't
afford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that will
grow agin, and trousers won't.--_Sam Slick._




LORD ELLENBOROUGH.


LORD ELLENBOROUGH had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, he
said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in
consequence of it, to lay down--his pocket-handkerchief.

A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, the
expression, "my unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly
interrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you."




EVIDENCE.


THE following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning the
stone "_as big as a piece of chalk_." "Were you traveling on the night
this affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir." "What kind of
weather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that I
could not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though." "How dark was
it?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full."
"Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare it
to anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of black
cats."




AN UP AND DOWN REPLY.


DURING the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in a
house, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness,
who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran up
stairs, but the other way they ran down stairs." The learned counsel
winked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling.




SNORING.


A WESTERN statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped all
night at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number of
strangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. The
black boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him:

"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to me
who snores so dreadfully."

"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on the
price, I'll try what I can do."

By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was now
to be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said:

"My friend, [he knew who he was,] you're talking in your sleep, and
exposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director,] you
had better be careful."

He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night.




TANNING.


"DADDY," said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't our
schoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all the
lickings he gives to the boys?"

"I don't know, my son," replied the parent, "but why do you ask me such
a question?"

"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. has tanned three thousand hides at his
establishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes has
tanned our hides more'n twice that many times--the editor ought to know
it."




A PRINTER IN COURT.


A SUIT came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was a
witness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between two
men named Brown and Henderson.

"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, what have you to say about it?"

"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put
a period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute."

The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fifty
dollars.




TAKING THE PAPER.


"SIR," said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor,
"do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it,"
replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers have
been complaining lately about their papers being missing in the
morning."




IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE.


IT is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured so
powerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, that
several of his audience went home and burned their cigars--holding one
end of them in their mouths.




HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER.


A SHORT time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y., whose name
we shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and some
of his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather a
loose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about
_delirium tremens_, directing all their remarks to him, and telling him
what fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by the
victims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed high
on this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from a
trap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of his
friends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victim
seized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the piece
of furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, when
his friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces,
demanded to know what was the matter.

"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to the
animal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round the
room, close to the walls.

They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it--"_there was no
rat_."

"But there _is_!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in an
ineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin.

At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threw
him down on the floor, and with terror screamed--

"Charley! run for a doctor!"

Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "what
the devil was up."

"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on his
elbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?"

"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor."

"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?"

"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

"The _delirium tremens_--have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I've
got the delirium tremens?"

"Easy enough," says Charley; "you've commenced _seeing rats_."

"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Think
you must be mistaken, Charley."

"Mistaken!" said Charley.

"Yes, mistaken," rejoined George. "_I ain't the man--I haven't seen no
rat!_"

The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn't
touched a glass of liquor, and "_seen no rats_"--not the first rat.




BISHOP BURNET.


BISHOP BURNET, once preaching before Charles II., was much warmed by his
subject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, with
great vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loud
voice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith," observed the king, in a tone not
quite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of that
great fist of yours."




ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE."


MERCER mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (in
Paris,) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for the
purpose of making a _procès verbal_ of his death, it was resisted by the
suite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which the
answer of the police was, that _Un ambassadeur dès qu'il est mort,
rentre dans la vie privée._--"An ambassador, when dead, returns to
private life." Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; the
Rancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a curé (I forget in what
part of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the English
women wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. answered, that "in the
north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly
not about London."

WE talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and she
mentioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anything
having been previously said that could lead to the subject, called out
suddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epic
tone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awful
expectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why I
published the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show the
world my own opinion of it."

BUSHE told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means,
to give entertainments to the militia, &c., in his neighborhood; and
when a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of giving
claret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, he
answered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret on
tick, and where the devil would I get credit for the _lemons_?" Douglas
mentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went on
a tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write to
him whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy,
he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is a
very high mountain, and bullocks bear no price." Lady Susan and her
daughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. A
French writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention to
particulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words,
"Hail, hail, all hail!"--_Grêle, grêle, toute grêle._

MET Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rather
a pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in the
suburbs of beauty, but never enter the town." Company at Lord Holland's,
Allen, Henry Fox, the _black_ Fox, (attached to the embassy,) Denon,
and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning.
Lord Holland told, before dinner, (_a propos_ of something,) of a man
who professed to have studied "Euclid," all through, and upon some one
saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never
looked at the cuts."

AFTER Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies," somebody
said, "Everything that's national, is delightful." "Except the National
Debt, ma'am," says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to the
piano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. In
talking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said he
supposed a drunkard had a _barrel_ organ.

DINED at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, and
Trimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon.
Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them very
good. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes,
with him. "That I will," says the other; "and it's rather odd it should
be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, _barring the
beef_." Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he was
giving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it," was answered;
"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it." Denon told an
anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by a
person whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, and
found the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat.
When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is
broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day."--"Most
willingly." "Name your day, then."--"_Aujourd'hui par example_,"
answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of an
attorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between
two persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you,
sir, that a compromise has _broken out_ between the parties."




CATCHUP QUESTION.


A PERSON meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrella
over him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, _like a mad
mushroom_?"




A REBUKE.


A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured
General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said
Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
back."




A GENTLEMAN.


"THERE can be no doubt," said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman,
and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman,
although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may be
eccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why he
shouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was Daniel
Lambert, who was also a fat man; _he_ was proud of his legs. So was Miss
Biffin: she was--no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I think
she had only toes, but the principle is the same."--_Dickens._




MODESTY.


THERE is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not
"embrace an opportunity." He would make a good mate for the lady who
fainted when she heard of the naked truth.




NATIONAL PARADOXES.


SOMEBODY once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when he
is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; and
the Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting.




A DUTCH JURY.


JUDGE JONES, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to pass
him, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman in
a case in which L----and B---- were employed as counsel. The former was
an illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes of
expression:

The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of a
person to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimed
him as his own. The Dutchman objected.

"I can't understant goot Englese."

"What did he say?" asked the judge.

"I can't understant goot Englese," he repeated.

"Take your seat," cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse.
You are not likely to hear any of it!"

Under that decision he took his seat.




A YELLOW FEVER JOKE.


THE _Mobile Advertiser_, of the 19th ult., tells the following good
story of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-back
Dick." Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the up
river boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of each
passenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at length
fastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance and
manner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. He
was evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which were
rife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hour
from yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpet
sack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid upon
his shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met the
cold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill of
terror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily for
about a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated:

"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!"

With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do as
commanded.

"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do," and taking from his
pocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from the
sole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefully
noted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of the
stranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and again
noted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face and
said:

"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able to
finish it for you before morning."

"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm.

"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, and
the people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demand
for coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will be
to-morrow morning--say about 9 o'clock."

"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!"

"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see it
in your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain--a slight pain--in
your back."

"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier.

"Exactly," said Dick, "and in your limbs too?"

"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my
neck and head."

"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead in
a short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat,
swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up
with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like
lightning!"

Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions to
the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in
Mobile, who gave him such good advice.




LET OFF.


"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster.

"Yes, master."

"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?"

"Why, let me off!"




COMPLIMENTARY.


A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he
had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed,
said,

"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly."

"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you
have fallen on your nose."




KEEN RETORT.


A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed
than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds
myself and you teaches me."




THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME.


AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--mean
as dirt--and I feel at home in this company."




SACKS AND BAGS.


MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word at
the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal.

"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat," said the Colonel.

"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?"

"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass.

Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl,

"Bags, yer honor."




ITERATION.


A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to
her reason for leaving.

"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the
girl.

"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it's
over."

"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again."




QUID PRO QUO.


IN a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a
very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being
desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was
sworn,

"Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose."

"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my
copper nose for your brazen face."




HARD SQUEEZING.


A GENTLEMAN from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose of
collecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when he
found that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. His
landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but added
that if it _was_ collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, then
dunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" of
the man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor,
who showed him the account.

"Wall, Squire," said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I _know_
that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill
Monument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But _any_ how, Squire, what'll
you give, sposin' I _do_ try?"

"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you--yes, I'll
give you half, if you'll collect it."

"'Greed," replied the collector, "there's no harm in _tryin'_, any
way."

Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walking
up Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend.

"Look o' here," said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that bill
o' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for the
first week or so 'twant no use--not a bit. If he was home, he was short;
if he _wasn't_ home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by,' says I,
after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on the
door-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly
_next_ day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in.' _He paid me_ MY _half,
and I gin him up the note!_"




PAT'S RESPONSE.


AN Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Will
you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes,
your riverence, and the _niggers_ too," said Pat.




WANTED SATISFACTION.


"WELL, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No,
but I wish he had." "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, the
villain!"




MEAN _vs._ MEANS.


"IS Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton,
referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be,"
drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town."




WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE.


ARTER we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus a
terrible commoshun in our house--old wimmin a runnin in an out, and
finally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin to
heer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman,
as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar I
was a walkin' about and ses:

Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal."

"What," ses I.

"A gal," ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin.

Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin'
mitely--I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feel
neerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur the
Sporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'ty
well. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses,

Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy."

"Anuther," ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller."

She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no joke
sure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years.

Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in,
and ses,

Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum."

"Anuther whot," ses I.

"Anuther gal," ses she.

"Well," ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don't
want 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or a
Mormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?--three at a
pop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'n
Jacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe an
feed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it no
how, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'em
now, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal?
Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin'
segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar?
Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then for
her to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. I
didn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole a
horse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me in
this way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, an
the more I tho't about it, the wus I felt.

Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses,

Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got."

"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, I
luv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this a
scaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef a
woman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' to
begin to do it," ses I.

With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun of
me, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told her
I'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, the
upshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me to
go into the room whar they all wus.

When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her little
hands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgot
everything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art like
a precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too and
forty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, an
all the ballance follered. _Them thribbles noed their daddy._

Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin;
an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred for
them thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn't
have a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wun
has the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, an
so it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'em
quiet.




GENEROUS CHILD.


_Mother_--Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it.

_Doctor_--Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me.

_Tommy_--(who has "been there")--Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all to
the Doctor!




ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE.


"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want
it I'm sure."




HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER.


A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting
our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would
ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went
off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of
humanity, whom she asked:

"What are you in here for?"

"For stealing a horse."

"Are you not sorry for it?"

"Yes."

"Won't you try and do better next time?"

"_Yes! I'll steal two._"




DUTCH SOLILOQUY.


A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon
Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I
has!"




JUST ALIKE.


A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box.
After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways,
he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth.

"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is
so-something like myself."

"Why?" asked a neighbor.

"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied.




STORY OF A WIG.


LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said
that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no
objections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes,
which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's
journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his
feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a
bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and
out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking
that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary
chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called
out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side.
Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord
Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the
court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,--where _is_ my wig?" "My
Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage
window."




A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS.


SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on the
Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland
warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy,
Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his
death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my
curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive
him."




CABBAGE AND DITTO.


WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our
laughter loving readers:

"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his
sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand.

"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure.

The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely
puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to expose
his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being
at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out:

"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?"

"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?"

"Yes, daddy."

"Well, that ere's ditto."

"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "she
called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her
again."




FLAG AT HALF-MAST.


AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore
their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty.




LONGFELLOW.


SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be
strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of
the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it."




A SORREL SHEEP.


SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for
establishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had
made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from
Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as
follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that a
distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what
the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the
place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him
twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and
read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick
woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then,
turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?'
'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his
head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man,
'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he
must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.'
The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if
something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred
dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book
says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for
fevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said
the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--'
'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way
we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the
speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be
one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most
effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state.




EDITORIALS.


A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly
respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom
he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen,
"that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in your
paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the
visitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, in
a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have
had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as
you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to
it."--_Harrisburgh Telegraph._




COMPENSATION.


A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of
hay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave:
"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but after
all, poor Tom was a great eater."




JUST RIGHT.


"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there?
Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else."




FUNNY MISTAKE.


LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with
Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady
Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who
could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord
Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady,
taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord
Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in
this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her
female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this
dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ were
dumb."--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he
said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening
entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.--_Rogers' Table-talk._




FILIAL AFFECTION.


"IF ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for
it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me,
I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not
having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."--_Dickens._




DEFINITE INFORMATION.


"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much
as I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_."--_Detroit
Spectator._




FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH.


Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hôtel du Rhin_, at
Boulogne.

"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the départure, of every convoy
of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour.

Table d'hôte at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock.

Bathing place horses and walking carriage.

Interpreter attached to the hôtel. Great and little apartments with
saloon for family.

This établissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of
the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post
horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable désirable and is
proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the
confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him."

(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in
the card.)




ADMIRAL DUNCAN.


ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his ship for
instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both
laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching;
I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."




TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST.


POOR Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicate
allusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:--"May the
man who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (_lick
her_.)"--_Bentley's Miscellany._




KICKING A YANKEE.


A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of a
comfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a time
to recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our
"unprincipled and immolating administration."

Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for,
from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things,
tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, between
a real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on
the toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out of
the cabin" the latter.

"You'll kick me out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!"

"You'll kick _me_, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick _you_, Mr. Hitchcock!"

"Well, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectly
satisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger of
assault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell
about old Bradly and my mare to hum?"

"No, Sir, nor do I wish--"

"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generally
best to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of those
sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit every
Sabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep it
on till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, he
allers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation--and the
darned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil--the
crucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roan
mare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and open
any door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times I
found her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'very
sorry--an unruly animal--would watch'--and a hull lot of such things;
all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deacon
Farrar's on sacrament day.

"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his old
roan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable about
bed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and ride
off. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and had
some shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed on
her hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took her
hum--gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of the
stable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a good
smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal,
and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning.

"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wanted
to know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Go
to sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate--she's kicking off flies, I
guess.' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, du
get up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she is
kicking most powerfully.'

"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess.'

"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cum
to the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the old
roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did,
mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, Joe
Davis cum down to my house, and says he--

"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead--she's cut all to pieces, and can
scarcely move.'

"'I want to know,' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?'

"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we were
talking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he,

"'My old mare is ruined!'

"'Du tell!' says I.

"'She is all cut to pieces,' says he; 'do you know whether she was in
your stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?'

"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I _know_ it?'--(the Yankee here,
in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were.) 'Do I
know it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl,
you!--you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin,
whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reduced
the thing to a science!'"

The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in his
astonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter being
accelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former to
suit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall,"
tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of his
pants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning him
on all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seen
dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story on
the boiler deck.--_St. Louis Reveille._




DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF.


TWO unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York during
the ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs made
their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety.

"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one _sotto voce_.

"Well, Mary?"

"It ain't nice--I don't like it."

"Hush."

"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such a
place."

"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you."

After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said:

"Oh, Annie, let's go--it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable."

"Do hush, Mary," replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though
it wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at a
theatre, and I suppose it will be the last, _so I am just going to stay
it out, if they dance every rag off their backs_!"




DISINTERESTED ADVICE.


"HUSBAND, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe." "Well, my
dear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to."




AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE.


A BACHELOR editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of a
bride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives the
result of his experience.

"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as an
infant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The God
of dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never was
a little editor so happy. It was 'my love,' 'dearest,' 'sweetest,'
ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken off
here. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to have
pudding for dinner just to please her lord.

"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding moment
arrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate before
us.

"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?'

"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?'

"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.'

"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife.

"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.'

"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly
curled with contempt.

"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to
know bread pudding, my love, by all means.'

"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to make
as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I
say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with
excitement.

"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get
angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.'

"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone,
'you know it's plum pudding.'

"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the
devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and
emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.'

"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claret
in my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose.

"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted
chicken by the left leg.

"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of
feeling two plates smashed across my head.

"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and
flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom.

"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish
took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate
of beets landed upon our white vest.

"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup
tureen, and falling beneath its contents.

"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she
determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no
gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum
pudding!' she shrieked with every dish.

"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply.
Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing
feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a
whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous
crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and
commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus
saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's the
moral."




PAT QUERY.


A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why,"
exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin'
out?"




FRIENDLY VISITS.


A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in
visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and
stayed six months each time.




REMOTE.


"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the
law."

"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose,
"haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?"




A CAT STORY.


A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house,
erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union,
when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered
around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on.

"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in."

"A committee meets to-day! What for?"

"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got
mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats.
Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!"

"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?"

"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin'
them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a
pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but
cats, cats!"

"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?"

"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them,
but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the
cats and--"

"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?"

"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say
whether they'll move the skule house or the cats."

The old gentleman evaporated immediately.




CONUNDRUMS.


IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the
alphabet would he name?--_Answer._ Let-her B.

WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans._ A cock _robbing_ (robin).

WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans._--A wind that
blows _fowl_ and then _chops_.

WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans._ When the hedges are
_shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out.

IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans._ In violet (inviolate).

WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island
inhabited?--_Ans._ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little
cove.

WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans._ _Maid_ of Orleans.

WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans._ Because it
runs into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_).

WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans._ The great _swell_ of
the ocean.

WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans._ Because he was
sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.




LOVE.


A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of
lying.--_Jonathan._




THE THIEF AND THE DUKE.


THE great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, after
having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow,
with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now
been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the
Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very
like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest."




LOSS OF TIME.


A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam,"
replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, consider
the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often
begrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_."




UNEXPECTED REPLY.


A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I
have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause;
when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer,
exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else."




GENEROUS.


"I WILL save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old
gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten
thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine
thousand."




FRIENDLY BANTER.


FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When
seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his
better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering
bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?"
The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know."




TAKING A RECEIPT.


THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story:

"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike
Sweeney."

"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor
will give me the resate."

"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be
called upon a second time for your fine."

"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get
the resate."

"What do you want to do with it?"

"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you."

"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"

"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying,
and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say,
'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What
do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you
behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and
such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to
see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate
and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to
find your honor to get one."




KIND FATHER.


AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over
a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice,
he don't care who she loves.




DESTROYING THE ROMANCE.


A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a
village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by
the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After
the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church
alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his
heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she
evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and
she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but we
will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way:

"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is
superior to the bonds of custom.

"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and
turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the
spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if
doing reverence to an angel.

"'Are you a peddler?'

"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.'

"'Well, I don't know,' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing me
very sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that you
looked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me three
weeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother John
has got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neck
for him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal after
all!'"




DOING A YANKEE.


SIR ALLEN MCNAB was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would have
it, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. In
the morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companion
making thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Having
completed his examination, he proceeded coolly to select the
tooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth an
energetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan had
concluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soaped
one foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to his
toes and toe-nails.

"You dirty fellow," exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischief
are you doing that for?"

"Oh," said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with."




DROVERS _vs._ FOPS.


DINNER was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World,
and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among the
passengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature of
the genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids of
irreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-like
quizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his head
aside with,

"Waitah!"

"Sah!"

"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable,
wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah."

While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western drover
had listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutive
creature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a force
that made every dish bounce, and then thundered out:

"Here you darned ace-of-spades!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!"

"Sah!"

"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me down
with brickbats while I feed!"

The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and the
whole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar.




STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER.


DAVID DITSON was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs and
wonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter with
which those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was his
custom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to the
weather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus he
would say, 'About--this--time--look--out--for--a--change--of--weather;
and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would make
very sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretold
would come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a very
remarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, he
was riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, and
being on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how far
it was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside and
inquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it was
six miles; "but," he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wet
jacket before you reach it."

"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going to
rain, do you?"

"No, I don't _think_ so, I know so," replied the farmer; "and the longer
you sit there, the more likely you are to get wet."

David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue sky
uncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half the
distance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of those
sudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. There
was no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rain
was soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must have
some way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. I
will ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day's
work to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's field
again, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him very
respectfully:

"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how you
were able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?"

"Ah," said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!"

"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I will
willingly give you five dollars for your rule."

The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say:

"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, and
he is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it's
going to rain,' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather,' we
look out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day
_Very pleasant_, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night.
That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'other
way."

The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example of
a fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of his
prophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwise
sayings, leaving every man to guess for himself.




HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK.


THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story a
Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania.
But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?'
asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a
second-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board and
lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose
you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?'
'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation
ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this
time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either
dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of
the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the
bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a few
minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at five
dollars--ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is
wrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent
from dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2
cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents
that's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!"




NEVER SAY DIE.


"THE politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed
politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side."




HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR.


SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name
of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for
it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company
ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says
you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder
wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows
are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like
these. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great.
Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little
more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house,
hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it,
walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'em
amazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious
like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin'
portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an
unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause,
madam, he has not done you justice."--_Sam Slick._




BOOTS.


"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society,"
said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day.

"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_
boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to
your heirs."--Exit codfish, rather huffy.




SOUR KROUT.


WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized
into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two
candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that
fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum.

Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he
payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points
and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and
very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that
their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To
secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the
campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his
condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on
the entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to
cast their votes for him.

Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office,
hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined
to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the
all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several
fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's
visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct
that:

"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht
to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans."

"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when
he returned from visiting you?"

"No, vat vas it?"

"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water,
that he might wash the sour krout off his hands."

The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each
candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls.

The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr.
Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name of
Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate,
and indignantly asking:

"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?"

It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next
Congress.




CONFESSION.


"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does
c-h-a-i-r spell?"

"I don't know, marm."

"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?"

"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell."

"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it."

"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed me
but twice."

"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she
fainted.




A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE.


AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his
young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay
as fast as he could load it.

The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial
commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably,
calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!"

Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he
kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top
of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to
slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it.

"What are you down here for?" cried the boys.

"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly.

Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which
had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately.




WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH.


MR. DICKSON, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, a
respectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between
them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in
the place.

"I believe you are connected with the church in ----street, Mr.
Dickson," said the customer.

"So, Sah, not at all."

"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"

"Not dis year, Sah."

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permitted
to ask."

"Why, I tell you, Sah," said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor on
the palm of his hand.

"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib ten
dollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and de
peepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good,
and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr.
Dickson.

"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?"

"No; the razor goes very well."

"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, and
didn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call me
Old Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em."

So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentleman
departed, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left the
church.




FORESIGHT.


A YOUNG lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to get
married, for the reason that she has been told that in that country the
men folks "rock the cradle."




VICE VERSA.


WHAT is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hog
butchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a kill
with intent to salt.




HUMAN NATURE.


HERE, reader, is a little picture of _one_ kind of "human nature," that,
while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson not
unworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canada
in the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at a
roadside inn called the "Lion Tavern," where the contents of the stage
coach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerful
fire.

Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shown
its wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. After
a few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked:

"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers.

"No, Sir."

"_Beautiful_ dog! _yours_, Sir?" addressing himself to a second.

"_No!_" was the blunt reply.

"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is _yours_, Sir?"

"No!" was again the reply.

"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to YOU, I suppose, Sir?"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Then he is _yours_, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the same
time throwing the animal a cracker.

"No, Sir, he is not!"

"Oh!" (_with a smile_) "he belongs to _you_, as a matter of course,
then?" addressing the last passenger.

"_Me!_ I wouldn't have him as a gift!"

"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that the
host gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidst
the roars of the company.

There was _one_ honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimen
was a little "too sweet to be wholesome."




JOHN KEMBLE.


MOORE mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. He
was performing one night at some country theatre, in one of his
favourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by the
squalling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a _little_
angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front of
the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said:

"Unless _the play_ is stopped, _the child_ can not possibly go on!"

The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of his
meaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he was
compelled to laugh with his auditors.




CONFESSION.


A PRIEST of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous,
particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from the
pulpit one Sunday:

"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will on
Monday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday the
gamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, and
Saturday the libertines."

Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins.




A SLEEPY DEACON.


THERE are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and with
these may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon.

The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packing
establishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scalding
trough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hog
in!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and
"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press of
business compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturday
night found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sick
the next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member,
and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He
went. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was in
progress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect.
His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude of
one intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory:

    "Hark, they whisper; angels say--

"_Hog in!_" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. The
astonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He went
on, however, unmoved--

    "Sister spirit, come away."

"_Hog out!_" shouted the deacon, "_tally four_."

This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled,
some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "split
their sides," laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher was
entirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a brief
benediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers.
The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude,
for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught the
infection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded an
opportunity for them to say, "_Hog in!_" "_Hog out!_"




LOST IN A FOG.


"SUPPOSE you are lost in a fog," said Lord C---- to his noble relative,
the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course,"
replied her ladyship.




NO MISTAKE.


"YOU don't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a
gentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, taking him
by the nose.




RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES.


ON a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles on
the side walk, to come in the house.

"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go into
the back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday."

"I will," answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the back
yard, mother?"




MAKING THE RESPONSES.


AN ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to make
himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, by
mistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; so
when the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this woman
to be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone,
"I renounce them all." The astonished minister said, "I think you are a
fool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe."




PERSONAL IDENTITY.


AN ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature's
forming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame," said he; "for when I was
two months old, I was considered the handsomest child in the
neighborhood, but my nurse one day _swapped_ me away for another boy
just to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking."




IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM.


MRS. PARTINGTON was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, in
the spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he was
belaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples.

"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened the
door.

He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training," continued to pitch in.
She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punching
its rotund sides.

"That's the Morrissey touch," said he, giving one side a dig; "and
that," hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy."

"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the last
blow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn't
good," said she, "and I think you had better train in some other
company. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would be
dilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't want
to, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor lad
with a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself." Ike had
read the "_Herald_," with all about "the great prize fight" in it, and
had become entirely carried away with it.




GEORGE SELWYN.


GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large
company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he
had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and
one of them reproached him, saying,

"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?"

"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for
it; for I went to see it sewed on again."




PROMPT REPLY.


A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out:

"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your
shoulders, Sir."




DIVISION OF TIME.


"MURPHY," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen,
"you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you."
"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why,
faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure."




A GROOM.


A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be
blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited
consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way
is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I
always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good
economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it
will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do,
is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes,
rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays,
you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large
size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps
when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a
mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss
of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.--_John Jorrock's
Sporting Lectures._




IN A QUIVER.


A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps
her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver.




SATISFACTORY ANSWERS.


YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying
inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his
travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee
Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop
at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul
Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting
for the ceremony of an introduction, said:

"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are
going to--?"

Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the
gentleman answered:

"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season."

"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?"

"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there."

"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there
anything stirring in London?"

"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts."

"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?"

"They say their prayers every Sunday."

"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new
and fresh."

"Yes; bread and herrings."

"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?"

"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in
reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is
_Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!"

Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of
the most _obstinate_ kind.




BARON ROTHSCHILD.


THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the
richest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only
"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but
"_ready_ money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On
a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on
his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance"
alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and
demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red
cent" of change. The driver was very wroth:

"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have
_known_ that you had no money!"

"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is
my card!"

The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before,"
said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my
fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only
an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a
"coupon" for fifty thousand francs.

The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then
an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the
six sous.

The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning
to the Money-King, he said:

"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own
account!"




MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA.


ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where
that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with
loaning the family umbrella:

"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to
do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing
about _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like
one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only
umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Do
you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such
a shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you?
Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring
all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle:
_he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella!
There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six
weeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella!

"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow.
They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; they
shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get
wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for
knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to
_be_ fathers.

"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was going
out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and you
did it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, and
take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle.
No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and
what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will
give me my death," &c., &c., &c.




FOLLOW YOUR NOSE.


"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is
crooked, and I have to follow it!"




LORENZO DOW.


LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of
the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the
liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community,
recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an
imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he
announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he
should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The
populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his
appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And
there was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short,
and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall
not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some
relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of
character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and
he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never
alluding to the subject again.




SMART WAITER.


THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished
Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly
told, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John
Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it
may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep."

"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York
hotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hôte_, had his meals
served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the
establishment had deservedly become noted.

"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon
him--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day to
retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's
chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few
minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup.

"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.'

"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se
'sponsible for de silver_!'"




COULDN'T FIND IT OUT.


MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been in
by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the
literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr.
Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the
hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses
of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a
newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village
paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since,
farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which
happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor
had described in a great many words.

"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said
Mr. Slocum.

"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?"

"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it."

Mr. S. began to read:

"_Horrible and Fatal Accident._--It becomes our melancholy and painful
duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the
lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human
being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as
the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'"

"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S.

"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the
city, was superintending one of the large drums--"

"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed
on't," said Mrs. Slocum.

--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and
finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When
his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity,
about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a
distinct blow at each revolution."

"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!"

"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms
and legs were macerated to a jelly."

"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest.

"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused
masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity
had opened upon him."

Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the
opportunity to press the question.

"Was the man killed?"

"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've
finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading:

"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no
longer tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark was
extinct."

"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum.

"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his
better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right
away." And he went on reading:

"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust
that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to
regulate the powerful machinery of our mills."

"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now,
I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?"

Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the
article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper.

"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't
say."




CAUGHT ON A JURY.


THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be
beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:

A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of
going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and
would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally
two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out
so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he
would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been
the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the
jury, and couldn't get off.

Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according
to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real
corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an
order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessary
article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town,
and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all
buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking.

When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to
take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the
world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he
went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and
when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he
was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his
bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started
with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule
had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two
year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty.

Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back
door, with a decidedly guilty countenance.

"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master.

Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree,
determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said:

"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't
get off."--_Nashville News._




A CURE BY LAUGHTER.


AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of
the loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to the
rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his
reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man,
instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to
comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and
proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each
time gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives she
lives._" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed
to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the
rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the
sincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than
the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after
considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his
chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies he
dies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fit
of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure.




GOOD PRAYER.


A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following
question:

"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and
he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?"

"No, sir," replied ----, "I pray for another like him."




NON SUM QUALIS ERAM.


A NOBLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation
where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his
brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and
concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This,
gentlemen, is _my opinion_." The peremptory tone with which this was
spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a
young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have
often had your opinion for five shillings." Mr. Attorney with great good
humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value."




ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.


ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern,
and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish
cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it,
another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my
steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the
following impromptu:

    "The Prince came in, said it was cold,
      Then put to his head the rummer;
    Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came,
      When he pronounced it summer."




CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.


ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of her
daughters Eve_.




GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE.


AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate
the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared
under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal
admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where
the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that
nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster
Abbey.

"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded."

"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the
alteration of a single word.

"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can be
exceeded."




A SOUND REASON.


A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit?
"Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me."




MODERN IMPROVEMENTS.


AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a
patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement;
and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What,"
exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented
with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to
see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?"




A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR.


B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case
exhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as he
called it.

"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B.

"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there
was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that
way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was
going to be treated to the whole."

"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him.

"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again.
They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and
then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table."

"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire.

"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from
fear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a
clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added
the old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted.
'_Vittles_,' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'"




ECONOMY.


"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful
hole in your trowsers?"

"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are
economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day."




QUAKER _vs._ QUAKER.


OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey,
and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself.

An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought
some goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing the
river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual
with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of
goods and untied it to see what she had been buying.

"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?"
taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without,
however, saying where she had got them.

"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much
a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You
know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he
went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached
Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when
there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to
examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the
price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile,
taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of
the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then
coming up to him, she said,

"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price
thee mentioned?"

"Oh now, yes," says he.

"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the
goods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee can
have no objection to refund me the difference."

Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances,
have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first
inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?"
instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?"




HEM _vs._ HAW.


MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The
next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was
very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed."




POETRY DONE TO ORDER.


ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation
as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate
epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what
were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all
things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do
faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green
wrote immediately--

    "Here lies the body of John Cole:
    His master loved him like his soul;
    He could rake hay; none could rake faster,
    Except that raking dog, his master."




THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.


TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to
Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the
one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other
exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you
cannot sing at all."




PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.


A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a
question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising
solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have
we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not
executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full
of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered
himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose,
or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what
purpose did he speak?"




A BROAD HINT.


AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company where
he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed,
literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he
had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why
he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was
not agreeable."




PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.


MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence
totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act,
desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker,
_I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated,
unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of
greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and
saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived three
times, and brought forth nothing_."




A SEVERE REPROOF.


THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished
gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of
Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and
spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a
low bow:

"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer
you our thanks for your forbearance."

"I don't understand you; what do you mean?"

"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank
you for that you have not brought your horse too."




CANINE LEARNING.


A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were
literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at
Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot."




A STRATAGEM.


A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast
of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to
carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said
mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to
see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the
landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession
of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself."




A NECESSARY HINT.


OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet
street, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, are
requested to use yesterday's paper._"




A REASON.


A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in
the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered _Amen_, "the
people are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling."




CAPITAL JOKES.


WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily
peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what
he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you
have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the
better."




RAPID TRAVELING.


A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was
likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his
advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a
rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your
knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have
likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this
to hell?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let
go your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_."




A MISAPPELLATION.


A YOUNG officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr.
Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a
soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the
defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said
Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against
_an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for assaulting an old man."




CONNUBIAL BLISS.


I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed three
festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without any
invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my
lady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other had
asked him.--_Reynold's Life and Times._




QUICK FIRING.


WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note
to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause."
Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll
be hanged if I do."




THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE.


A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that
he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before
so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs.
Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read."




SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION.


WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he and
his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at
length, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on a
gibbet_. "The joy," says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited,
cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized
country_."




AN IMPROVEMENT.


A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!"
said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am
glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were
half of them slates."




A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL.


"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills."

"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is
unknown."

"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls."

"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell."

"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam."

"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on."

"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and
Kate, and--"

"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her."

"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted."

"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing."

"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled."

"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning."

"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come,
rest in this bosom."

"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses."

"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night."

"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?"
"Oh, dear, what can the matter be?"

"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!"

"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the
willow."

"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place
in thy memory, dearest!"

"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love."

"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--"

"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow
tree."

"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley."




AN INSCRIPTION.


MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshire
runs the military road which was made under the direction of General
Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on
the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour
of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and be
thankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich:

    "Had you seen this road, _before it was made_,
    You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade."




PUN ALPHABETICAL.


"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_." "Well, let us be
thankful, _it was neither U nor I_."




SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY.


AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, as
to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to
a comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferred
Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they
both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe:

    'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well,
    It were done quickly.'"




A REPROOF.


MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper
and his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be
players!" "Hush! you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you
may come to yourself yet."




A REASONABLE BILL.


AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his
wife, amounting to 67_l._ "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for
laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!"
"Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse--three
coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--nobody, your honor,
could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr.
Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as
much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there
is a check for the amount."




A PARTNERSHIP.


THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grand
entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman
below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very
uncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred
strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised,
ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the
marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had
received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to
whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to
receive for my fish--your lordship's porter, who would admit me only on
that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had
his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his
prize.




LIFE INSURANCE.


JAMES II., when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in
Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke
expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so
public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man
in England will kill me to make you king."




AN IRISH NOTICE.


IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole,
having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, that
when the water is over this board the road is impassable._"




MOUTHS AND MEAT.


A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer
neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of
fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent
mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you
the _meat_, and me the _mouths_."




THE BENEFIT OF LYING.


A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that
he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted
him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he
and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that
they could not believe one word he said.




A BROAD HINT.


A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told
him, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from this
balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fashion then
for ambassadors to wear swords."




PREFERMENT.


AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the
King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning
Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been
promoted to the _bench_."




SHOES MISUSED.


A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in
Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them.
She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced.
Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces.
She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he,
"it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How
stupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have _walked in them_."




A SUPPOSITION.


IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English
ambassador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the
galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch,
"would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the
prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister,
"would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers."




A CHARACTER SUPPORTED.


A BEGGAR asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentleman
put the question, _Quomodo vales?_ The fellow, shaking his head, said he
did not understand his honor. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not
say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," replied the other, "a very poor
scholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin."




AN ESPECIAL FAVOR.


A BARONET scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure so
much as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peer
paying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which he
seized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violent
shock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord," said the
baronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manoeuvre
except to my particular friends."




A CHARM.


BUCHANAN the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days of
superstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St.
Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he might
restore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readily
promised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy," says he, "go three times
to the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full of
water in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, and
each time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all,
wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your life
attempt to open it, or dread the worst." She strictly conformed, and her
business increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured to
open and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words:

    "If Maggy will brew good ale,
    Maggy will have good sale."




SHORT DIALOGUE.


_Lady_: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want of
children, surrounded as I am by every comfort--nothing else is wanting
to render me supremely happy.

_Captain O'Flinn_: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running in
families; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either?




A BLUNT WITNESS.


AT a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by a
farmer, accused of stealing some ducks.

"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel.

"Oh, I should know them _any_ where," replied the farmer; and he went on
to describe their different peculiarities.

"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare
breed; I have some very like them in my own yard."

"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_
ducks I have had stolen lately!"

"Call the _next_ witness!"




QUESTION SOLVED.


A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow,

"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?"

"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!"

The mathematician "had him there!"




SCOTTISH THEATRICALS.


A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of a
theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to be
followed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however,
prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for
representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found
necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which
was thus delivered by the town-crier:

"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers
havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the
night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil to
pay in the West Indies_."




THE CUNNING FOOL.


A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when
nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his
drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be
punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention
his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it
into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded
ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young
gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed
something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down
in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the
punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, _now
your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_."




THE DEAN INSTRUCTED.


A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who
carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the
fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man,"
exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach
you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver
such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with
the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said,
"Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance
of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the
consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_,) take this honest
lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and
drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown."




ADVICE.


A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being
unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning
his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of
the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for
such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should _take
advice_."




MIRACLE OF MIRACLES.


THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by one
sermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island."




CREDAT JUDÆUS APELLA, NON EGO.


A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that
he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks,
open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but
exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred
himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him
that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the
other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the
turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is
a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen
it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the
other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the
company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it."




WARNING.


A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistress
warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed
with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!"




IRISH RECRUITING.


A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a
woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said,
"Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a
_man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_."




SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE.


THE prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove
Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the
following effect:

_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court.

_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said,
when he was all a fire.

_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?

_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd
be roasted or fried.

_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine
either. What do you follow?

_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run
over a little nigger.

_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?

_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off
the table.

_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve
months.

_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook.

_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and
correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the
docks?

_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't
got none.

_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?

_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters.

_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?

_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.)

_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive?

_Pete_: By breathing, Sir.

_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?

_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do?

_Judge_: I shall have to commit you.

_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some
consolation.




CHEAP TRAVELING.


A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he
never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived
on the road, answered, "_By my wits._" "Then," replied his friend, "you
must have traveled _very cheaply_."




NAUTICAL POLEMICS.


TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute
over their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_.
"He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much
altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after
some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as an
apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted
only of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_."




THE BEST CUSTOMERS.


DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their
bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's
to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother
Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are
heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice."




A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR.


IN the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring
in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member
for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the
wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was one
myself for ten years_."




THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE.


A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an
engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worst
actor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered the
character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere
walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager,
indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered
the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst
actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen
you."




AVOID ALL OFFENCE.


DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote
on their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up
on his, _No religion_.




A LIBERAL PRICE.


LOUIS XI. in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced
excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a
turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past
pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the
village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this
fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a
capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made."
Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his
majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the
donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out,
"Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This
turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse."




A PRECEDENT.


IN a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant,
was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine
in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being
accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered,
"If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you."




A CONVENIENT NAP.


AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed,
says,

"Jack, are you asleep?"

"Why?"

"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you."

"Then I am asleep."




LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE.


DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his
dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar,
his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the
following note:

"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the
money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God
he has done with him."

To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:

"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is
very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the
grace to thank God for anything."




A PROPER ADDRESS.


THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an
address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy
the attention of the insane!"




A DEBT OF HONOR.


MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the
highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the
fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a
guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was
taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street,
went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the
fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay
the half guinea you borrowed of me."




A RELIC.


A STUDENT, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things
produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam
was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that
Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir,"
replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished
for."




STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED.


M. BOURET, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, _but stupid to a
proverb_, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a
party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed,
"Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said
instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "_The very thing I meant_," replied
the other.




THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED.


EXECUTIONS not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of
towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal
was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment,
as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable
expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman,
belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think,
gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him
go and be hanged where he pleases."




HUMOROUS MISTAKES.


THE humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the
agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale,
Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York:

"D. Horton--Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859."

The dispatch received, read as follows:

"D. Horton:--Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine."

The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same
parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line
that he had been subpoenaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court
of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be
necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following
reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire:

"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your
place."

When received, it read as follows:

"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your
place."

Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution.

Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an
interesting family affair, as follows:

"Sarah and little one are doing well."

The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus:

"Sarah and litter are doing well."

The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query:

"For Heaven's sake, how many?"




SLEEPING IN CHURCH.


A CLERGYMAN observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as
people did it with their _eyes open_. Wrapt up in the admiration of his
own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience
one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural.
Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor
idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "and _if I had not been a poor idiot I had
been gone too_."




ECONOMY.


A LADY asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent
small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it."




A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS.

A letter written during the Irish rebellion.


_My dear Sir_:--Having now a little _peace and quietness_, I sit down to
inform you of a dreadful _bustle and confusion_ we are in from these
blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, _killed or
dispersed_.

We are in a pretty _mess_; can get _nothing to eat_, nor any _wine_ to
drink, _except whiskey_; and when we _sit down_ to dinner, we are
obliged to _stand_ with arms in both hands: _whilst I write this letter,
I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded_, from
the _beginning_, that this would be the _end_ of it; and I see I was
right, for _it is not half over yet_. At present there is such _goings
on_, that every thing is _at a stand_.

I should have answered your letter _a fortnight ago_, but _it only came
this morning_. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives _safe_, without being
_robbed_. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was _robbed_
near this town: but the _bags_ had been judiciously _left behind_, for
fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody _in the coach_,
except _two outside_ passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to
take.

Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing
hither, under the French _standard_; but they had no _colors_, nor any
_drums_ except _bagpipes_. Immediately every _man_ in the place,
including _women and children_, ran out to meet them. We soon found our
force _much too little_; and they were _far_ too _near_ for us to think
of retreating; so to it we went: _death_ was _in every face_; but by the
time _half_ our little party was _killed_, we began to be _all alive_.
The rebels fortunately had no _guns_, except _cutlasses and pikes_; and
as we had plenty of _muskets and ammunition_, we put them all to the
_sword_: not a soul of them _escaped_, except some that were _drowned_
in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be _heard_
but _silence_. Their _uniforms_ were _all_ of _different shapes_ and
_colours_--in general they were green. After the action we rummaged
their camp; all we found was a few _pikes without heads_, a parcel of
_empty bottles full_ of water, and a bundle of _blank_ French
commissions _filled up_ with Irishmen's names.

Troops are now stationed every where _round_ the country, which exactly
_squares_ with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union,
which would turn our _barren hills_ into fruitful _valleys_. I have only
_leisure_ to add, that I am in _great haste_.

Yours truly,
J. B.

P. S. If you do not _receive this in course_, it must have _miscarried_,
therefore _write_ immediately to _let me know_.




THE LOGICIAN REWARDED.


A FARMER'S son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to
visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for
supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are
three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the
scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good,"
replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will
have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the
third."




DOUBLE PUNISHMENT.


THE captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro
on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his
offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed,
"Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no
preachee and floggee too."




REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED.


IN a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a
reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr.
Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore
rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would
they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that
cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did
cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never
before could understand--_There is reason in the roasting of eggs_."




A GENERAL COMPLAINT.


THE lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French
service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the
King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had
occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the
Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir,"
said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint."




COOLNESS IN ACTION.


IN the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his
lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the
lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to _you_
then," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our
friend is gone away with his tobacco box."




A CAUTION.


A TRAVELER coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too
close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him,
"Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman.
"No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already."




IMPROVEMENT.


A FRENCH marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation,
especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he,
"the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by
all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally
improve on your inventions; for example, _in adding the shirt to the
ruffle_."




AN AMENDMENT.


AT the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in
Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the
auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for
them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the
_Court of Chancery_.




THE LEARNED DOG.


FRANK SIMS, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a
sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an
arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His
master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to
Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so
alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on
to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he
arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription:
"Do shoot all dogs _who_ shall be found within this inclosure;" when
immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry
him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat,
politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said
Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the
Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read.




CAUSE OF BULLS.


SIR RICHARD STEELE, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to
making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of
Ireland, adding, "I dare say, _if an Englishman were born there_ he
would do the same."




MOT-MALIN.


A NOTED miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a
single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit,
"_extreme sorrow is mute_."




AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS.


A WIDOW, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on
the subject.

"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage."

"Marry then."

"But people will say that my intended is too young for me."

"Don't marry."

"He would assist me in managing the business."

"Marry then."

"But I am afraid he would soon despise me."

"Don't marry."

"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector."

"Marry then."

"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches."

"Then don't marry."

Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the
bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John."
She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again
applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what
the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly
repeated, "Don't marry John."




A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.


A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who
showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No,"
answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_."




REASON ON BOTH SIDES.


CHARLES II. asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached
in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered
before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him
so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will
your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my
turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor,"
replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so
often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."




SELF TAUGHT GENIUS.


IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether
self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with
instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave
himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns
out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my own
head_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_."




AN ARTFUL REQUEST.


A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man
walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat
in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we
should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?"
"Sir," answered the other, with apparent _naïvetè_, "I shall be in it."




A FELONY.


A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he
came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the
Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn,
which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called
his grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he found
unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I
am sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence for
you to buy some_," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and
gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other
gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party
putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the
table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken
care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the
sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom
he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he
would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said
he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _I
gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_."'




CONVINCING EVIDENCE.


A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's
Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not
mistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_." "I am," said the
divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_."




TOO BAD.


A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said:
"My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No,"
replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the
children to have any enjoyment."




PARLIAMENTARY BULL.


IN the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause,
providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residue
go to the Governor_.




ANOTHER.


IN a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it
on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in
the _old jail_ till the new one was completed.




CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.


THE deeds themselves, though _mute_, _spoke loud_ the doer.




ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE.


    I WILL strive with things impossible,
    Yea, _get the better of them_.




ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON.


    TURN from the glittering bribe your scornful eye,
    Nor sell for gold _what gold can never buy_.




CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON.


EVERY monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a _dead_
language, it will always _live_.




ANOTHER. _Ibid._


    NOR yet perceived the vital spirit fled,
    But still fought on, _nor knew that he was dead_.




ANOTHER. _Ibid._


SHAKSPEARE has not only _shown_ human nature as it is, but as it would
be found _in situations to which it cannot be exposed_.




ANOTHER. _Ibid._


THESE observations were made _by favor of a contrary wind_.




ANOTHER. DRYDEN.


    A HORRID _silence_ first _invades the ear_.




ANOTHER. POPE.


    WHEN first young Maro, in his noble mind,
    A work _t'outlast immortal Rome designed_.




DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE.


AN itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little
children, _who could neither speak nor walk_, were to be seen _running
about the street, cursing and swearing_.




THE SIGNAL.


A MONK having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the
point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord,
will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It
will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded
his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was
in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my
request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father,
asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?"
The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty
good will.




A LONG BOW.


A DEALER in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in
Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his
miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a
certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only
given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the
house:

"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the
Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a
little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought,
a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a
man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk
stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the
most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and
elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English,
thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair
standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain,
overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor
very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his
commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of
this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but
on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so
close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come
therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in,
as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.'
The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took
his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed."




GOOD HUMOR RESTORED.


ONE evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the _Lying Valet_
was to be performed, _Sharp_, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being
absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be
undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then
sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of
_Kitty Pry_, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom
put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor,
"Why should I _shoot her_? She plays her part very well."




THE REVERSE.


THE Abbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a
collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general
expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious,
had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M.
Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said
the Abbé, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it,
and could not believe it."




STERLING COMPOSITION.


AT a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their
skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he
thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of
the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here
abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but
I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord
Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all
be satisfied with my judgment--these are the inimitable words:

"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred
pounds.

DORSET.'"




A CARD PUN.


A BUTCHER'S boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him
exclaim, "The _deuce_ take the _tray_!" "Sir," said the lad, "the _deuce
can't take the tray_."




A WHIMSICAL IDEA.


THE late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his
appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a
postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at
Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and
settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The
servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of
the guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth,
and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer
to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you
the _Robinson Crusoe_ so famous in history?"




AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS.


TWO Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England,
got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one,
"are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep
in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis
O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not
what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be
in the cellar."




THAT'S SO.


A DISTINGUISHED wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear
now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still
at large.




A MARSHAL HUMBLED.


A FRENCH Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not
by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this
inscription--"_made to be beaten_."

The same _hero_, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took
possession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outrage
brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under
the old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not here
to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East
Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly
in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took
Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B----, who _took my box_
at the Opera, and _never took any thing else_." The court paid him the
high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself
inflicted sufficient punishment.




A COURTLY COMPLIMENT.


A FRENCH officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna,
the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady
renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most
handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "_I thought so
yesterday._"




A CONGRATULATION.


AT a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall
certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of
your new office."




ALGERINE WIT.


A FRENCHMAN, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could
do. His answer was, that he had been used to a _sedentary_ employment.
"Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather
breeches, to sit and hatch chickens."




A ROYAL DECISION.


THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were
stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her
with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her
apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the
merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The
mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his
majesty returned the following answer:

"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain
in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As
to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the
complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair
lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman.

FREDERICK."

_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778._




FELLOW FEELING.


A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg,
she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make him
sick._"




UNREASONABLE FASTING.


TWO gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national
fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told
them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during
service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be
contented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_."




A WHIMSICAL IDEA.


A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there
was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really,"
said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that
I shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lordship."




THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN.


A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to
desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order
not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the
private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches too
tight_."




TIT FOR TAT.


TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of
them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously,
"Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I
do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still."




SOUND ARGUMENT.


A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:

"Where did your father die?"

"In shipwreck."

"And where did your grandfather die?"

"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board
perished."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock."

"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_."

"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father
die?"

"In his bed."

"And your grandfather?"

"In his bed."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds."

"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_."




INGRATITUDE.


WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in
the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and
humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr.
Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I
laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_."




REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING.


A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of
brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am
devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I
like it."




SMUGGLING.


A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that
the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more
abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason
is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those
who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave
it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume
your lordship was smuggled."




A MIS-UNDER-STANDING.


A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe
particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of
course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were
brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on
easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a
pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots
_larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them
_smaller than the other_."




THE DOUBLE BULL.


"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you
know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?"




IRISH DREAMING.


WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by
an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no
bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to
extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into
their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's
honor, and your ladyship's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you
last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco,
and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the
general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?"
replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and
her ladyship the tobacco."




THE PROVIDENT WIFE.


A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear,
don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry
Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would
assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate
dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the
matter already."




THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE.


SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney
who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of
our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing
up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after
straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub
about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif
railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed,
or missing?"

"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job
to get your pay."

"Why so?"

"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight you
for it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by
this road to _fight for baggage_," pointing to a huge bewhiskered
train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my
memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if he
haint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he
is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises,
carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"

"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi
_did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever."

Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired,
"Have you lost anything?"

"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy.

"Can't I sell you a trunk?"

"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply."

"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _already
marked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on."

It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney
had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American
customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something
fully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story.




EQUIVOQUE.


A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on
which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse
there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar,
"go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his
ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the
scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what
mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced
you not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off
his ears_."




THE LOST FOUND.


A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present,
had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when
they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the
gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _in
this letter_ half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat,
"I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew out
of the basket_."




A FILLIP TO A KING.


THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little
remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and
one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion,
a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value,
just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate
him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman,
addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to
the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed
too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only
sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my
faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has
constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has
hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost
real services looked for in vain.




A MERITED REWARD.


A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that
the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his
prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really
_deserve to be ill_!"




COCKNEYISM.


A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of
_hair_. "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's
shop_."




A STORY APPLIED.


MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being
in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was
requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the
despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must
tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an
abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but
consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about,
passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he
might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the
pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been
in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder?
He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but
scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell
brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he
addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it
not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my
escape_.'"




AMOR PATRIÆ.


A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. An
Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the
county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was
improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country.
"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he
wrote his _Paradise Lost_?"




A QUAKER JOKE.


A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for
the hot weather:

K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the
confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which
the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of
a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President
declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,

"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_."

"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let
the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the
depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to
reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to
arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W----
Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors
flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring,

"What is the matter?"

"Is the Bank broke?"

A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in
the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his
hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with
the inquiry:

"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"

"Yes," was the quiet reply.

"Why is this? It will ruin us!"

"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could
not renew a little paper for us this morning."

It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and
enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along
the road to every agent the sedative message,

"The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency."




A ROYAL PHYSICIAN.


HENRY VIII. hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the
abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards,
he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on
which he laid to as lustily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart,"
quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his
grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on
beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely
digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked
him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the
abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and
water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a
sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him
feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private
closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I
have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee."




A SELFISH PUN.


A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to
his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger,
as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why," said he, "would you not
have me _sell-fish_?"




SYMPATHY.


A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a
very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual
question--"Are you willing to go, my friend?"

"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am."

"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all the
neighbors are willing_!"




MATERNAL ADVICE.


A NOBLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his
mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs,
and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to
imitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!"




PROVERBS APPLIED.


A "FAT and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the
Common Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (or
rather _party dinner_,) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over the
coals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would be
in the fire._"




PROOF OF YORKSHIRE.


A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said,

"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt."

"Salt, for what?"

"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be
ready."

"What country are you from, my lad?"

"I's Yorkshire, Sir."

"I thought so--Well, there take your egg."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"

"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a
horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," _taking it off_.

"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire."




SCOTCH WEATHER.


ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been
detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always
rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_."




AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED.


A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A
senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn
out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever
boy."




TIT FOR TAT.


DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be
seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his
store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to
his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in
his family.

"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!"

"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that
one half of its face is black."

"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange!
What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"

"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say
the least of it."

"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the
morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child
at the same time."

Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject
was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store,
the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the
servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular
child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before
he had time to seat himself, she said:

"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the
money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave
town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past
two.

"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note
to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go
down at once, for fear of missing him."

"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be
in time."

"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I
will go at once."

"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about
one side of that child's face being white?"

"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one
side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that was
black, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know."

Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and
then he looked disappointed.

"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D.

"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up
a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it."

"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid
me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail."

"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not
say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send
me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for
nothing?"

"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his
wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the
store, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, at
half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you
would not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_"

Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed
a pleasant supper.




THE REGRET.


JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in
the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he
readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs,
for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and
sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming
up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of
his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is
accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very
likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for
having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and
sixpence."




NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED.


A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to
lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week,
which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after,
he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have
deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second
time."




MURDER AND SUICIDE.


A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be
as great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner
to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your
opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do not
mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but
_gratis_." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as
bad as _suicide_."




A CHALLENGE.


A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on
physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me
of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell no
tales_."




A QUALIFICATION.


A YOUNG nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture,
observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer.
The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared
a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had
sowed a great deal of _wild oats_.




QUICK WORK.


MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are
perpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel.




NON COMMITTAL.


A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a
village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying
old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own
conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question
which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was
engaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not,
what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady,
fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive
features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know,
and you're sure it's none of your business."




GRIEF.


A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond,
thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't
see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him
tie for five dollars!"




JUDICIOUS REMARK.


A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the
only gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_
work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _ass_ work, _fire_
work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_,
he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman in
England."




A KNOTTY PUN.


THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a
petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she;
"pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not._"




RETORT FROM A CHILD.


A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he
neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed,
"Father, did you ever learn anything?"




AN APT SCHOLAR.


"JOHN, what is the past of see?"

"Seen, Sir."

"No, John, it is saw."

"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, when
it is past and can't be _seen_."

"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to
prevent a rush of brains to the head."




CLASSICAL BULL. POPE.


    EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest,
    _Herself the ninth._




ANOTHER. HOME.


    BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote
    And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_.




A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.


A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by
the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know
nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have
said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here,"
said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff
from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel
asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle."
"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a
pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The
counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far
were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven
inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so
very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."




SLANG.


LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked,

"What do you know of the defendant?"

"O! my lord, _I was up to him_."

"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"

"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_."

"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"

"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_."

"I do not understand your language, friend."

"Lord! what a flat you must be!"




SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS.


AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the
door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac
Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for
this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but
with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor
that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have
you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the
landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the
Royal Scots Fusileers_."




CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.


A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of
the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not
your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very
well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the
court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_
punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_."




AN APOLOGY.


LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar,
but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's
ship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my
appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devil
of a hurry_."




BLINDNESS _vs._ SIGHT.


A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden,
a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The
blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse
him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take
his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of
which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his
opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or
if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised
him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest,
and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching
double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took
occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into a
mill-stone as you_."




A RETORT.


A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant
these buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes,"
answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands."




A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT.


A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said,
"Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have."
"I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love our
enemies_."




VANITY HUMBLED.


A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road
between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on
foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other
answered,

"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the
footpath."

"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?"

"Not I, indeed."

"I am Mr. ----, of ----."

"Very likely."

"And I am one of the trustees for this road."

"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and
interrupt passengers."

"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid
by the heels. What is your name, fellow?"

"_Henry, Duke of Montague._"




A LESSON.


A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself,
waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small
lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all,"
said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full
as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an
economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by
this lesson."




A LEGISLATOR.


AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that had
occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital
offence!




DEAR WINE.


MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly
sentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a wine
merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts.
It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds.
Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a
perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was
indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle."




A GOOD HIT.


A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times
successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two
pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on
the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate
accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your
improvement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_."




SPENDING TIME.


"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?"

"Because it's the only thing I have to spend."




THE LESSON PROFITED BY.


AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked
his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you
will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being
agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_."
Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill
was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement.
"O Sir," said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?"




BLACK WORK WELL PAID.


A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came?

"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys."

"How many were there?"

"Twenty, Sir."

"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?"

"Only a shilling a piece, Sir."

"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work."

"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough."




PROOF OF IDENTITY.


RICHARD II., on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop
whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat of
mail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether
this be _thy son's coat_ or not?"




NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE.


THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen
vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_.
A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel
painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very
frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first
draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of
the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as
unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that
pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The
farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair,
bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This
being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught,
and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he
could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot
bear to leave that ugly devil a drop."




THE GENERAL CHALLENGED.


GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his
horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was
_not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I have
been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing
what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the
general, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending my
last sixpence_."




A QUESTION ANSWERED.


A SAILOR on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall
having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little
hurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor,"
replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_."




A COUNSELLOR.


WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which
the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council,
however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerous
precedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of
the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by
asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know
with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled
up? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to our
trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_"




AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE.


LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States,
during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners,
and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_I
surrounded them._"




A BON BOUCHE.


AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which
emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother
barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered,
that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was
delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend
what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the
other, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in
half a sheet of your work."




CAN'T BE WORSE.


A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French
theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a
young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him."




VIRTUE CHEAP.


A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a
tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The
stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the
following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s._ to her husband."




THOROUGH WORK.


A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly
killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he
went smartly through his work.




NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.


DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which
time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever
he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit
it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite
lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have
toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am
determined to toast her no longer."




FITNESS OF THINGS.


AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the
animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior
officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You
should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not
with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have
been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had
only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth."




LETTING ON.


A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff,
took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused
with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what
made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole
court was convulsed with laughter.




AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT.


AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to
Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as
much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He
called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you
seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my
warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the
pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you
will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your
majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_."




AN APT SCHOLAR.


"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?"

"Don't know, Sir."

"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"

"Trap, Sir."

"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"

"A baby, Sir."

"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"

"My nails, Sir."

"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you know its name?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then tell me what C A T spells."

"Kitten, Sir."




PROPENSITIES.


THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some
Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too
much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and
therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him.
"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings,
especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very
disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to
take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope
therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should
happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity.




UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION.


A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his
ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was
rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The
criminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I am
always obliged to find you ears?"




A CASE OF ALARM.


AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again,
said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older than
me_, to cut me out of the estate!"




INDIAN FINESSE.


SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout
Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did
not work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't you
work, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you
are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took
him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish
vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to
order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry,
addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him
suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass of
rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver
it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty
flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how
he dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa," said he, "_head work_!"




ECONOMICAL.


MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because
she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first
protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out.




GOOD TOAST.


AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following
volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of
society."




NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT.


A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the
Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was
getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind,
whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner
in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked,
"When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable
tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his
life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more
out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the
man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without
hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your
oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not
_imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?"




THE BISHOP ANSWERED.


AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed
at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a
living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship."




SIMPLICITY _vs._ WIT.


A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson
peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of
wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr.
_Wiseacre_!"




AN ELIGIBLE CORPS.


MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One
day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The
latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen
with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented
coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace
the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no
means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable
performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company.
"And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?"
"I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a
year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony
vacancies in your corps?_"




AN INVITATION.


A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had
been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying
at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_"




AN ARCH QUESTION.


DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was
served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of
whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "_And the
partridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And
the partridges too."




IF THE CAP FITS.


THE following advertisement was some years ago posted up at North
Shields:

"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice
of riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Ropery
stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of
informing the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said ass_,
and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take
care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the
_wrong one_."




A PRIVILEGED PLACE.


A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged
together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was
exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather
rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You
black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me
so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a right
here as you have._"




ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES.


DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter
passing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional
motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence,
exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is
not the first time they have _saved my eyes_."




A RARE BIT.


THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast
Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor:

Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers,
under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?--Why,
no,--I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive
people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do.
Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts
out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to
mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one
of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of
improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get
it for you, if you would like to hear it.----Ah, this is it; it is
headed

"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE."

"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been
won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during the
stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this
gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions
(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.'
This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a
large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for
their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm
weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The
summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but
this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason,
the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern
regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.

"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree
and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a
benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for
supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that
delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P.] It is said,
however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in
England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct,
refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of
the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was
received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and
exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful in
the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island.

"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are
subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and
long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these
attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven
backwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known
principle of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going,
these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are
precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost
annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on this
stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is
resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the
_pepper-fever_, as is called, cudgeled another most severely for
appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only
pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species
of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well
known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan
Buddhists.

"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe
and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs
are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be
observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the
favourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered
peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island,
therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being
accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be
thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the
maccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these
insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that
accidents from this source are comparitavely rare.

"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The
buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nut
palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from the
hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so
as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with
cold"--

--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of
these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the
paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style
of these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have been
reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his history
and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies;--he sells it to the editor,
who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it to
the public----By the way, the papers have been very civil----haven't
they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern Magazine,"--isn't
it?--got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ for
their local peculiarities.




SHAKSPEARE QUOTED.


A VILE scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friend
observed, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in the
words of Hamlet: "_Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me_."




CAUTION TO GAMESTERS.


A GERMAN baron at a gaming house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one
of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On
this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play _so
high again_.




AT THE BAR.


A CRIMINAL being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say why
judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, I
think there has been quite enough said about it already--if you please
we'll drop the subject."




HOCK.


A PEDANTIC fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which the
waiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle of
hock--hic, hæc, hoc," replied the visitor. After sitting, however, a
long time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquire
into the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it not
brought in?" "Because," answered the waiter, who had been taught Latin
grammar, "you afterwards _declined_ it."




DORIC WIT.


A PERSON asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-garden
theatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received the
answer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders of
architecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I take
it for granted, it must be the Dor-ic."




FAMILY LIKENESS.


A YANKEE, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whom
looked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike.




ACTUAL EXPERIMENT.


"LA me! good old neighbor," cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to do
with that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live a
hundred years, so husband and I got one to try."




A TREMENDOUS THREAT.


A MAN being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, in
pronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a most
atrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which the
law allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyond
the seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape
thus easily; I would sentence you to _reside in the same house with both
your wives, for the term of your natural life_."




INQUISITIVE.


A SMART old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grew
impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quit
the stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemen
she ever see."




GRAFTING.


A LADY, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on an
apple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch of
the tree for grafting. "For who knows," said she, "but it may bear the
same kind of fruit?"




IN ORDERS.


A COUNTRY squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to say
grace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, and
asked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship's
nearest relation was in orders.




NO STRANGER.


A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most
amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in
the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman
stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me."




BOTH ONE.


AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for
their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried
the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel,
you would swear we were twenty."




PRESS AND SQUEEZE.


A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of to
imply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment,"
"press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by
using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to
cry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing."




TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.


A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his
friend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written,
his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, he
procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to
your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible."




LONG NOSE.


A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his
waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen.
"But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against
anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both
his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood
half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon
the nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little,
"I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have
thought, before, that it was longer than my arm."




RIDING DOUBLE.


AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating
off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing
it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get
off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you."




BEGIN RIGHT.


AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh,
waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute,
desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The
flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the
first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied
the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month."




INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX.


THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a
rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety
had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the
meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would
whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict
probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this
manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town
road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a
whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like
that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously.'"

Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_," and continued our
labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was
heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us.

"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but
his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded
cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge."

"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you
do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat.

We removed ours, also our cravat.

       *       *       *       *       *

The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors,
as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the
Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that
purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands
we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished
above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped--

    "O my Bigler!" he would have muttered,
    But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered.

At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a
"misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the
pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole
affair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled on
the most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of either
party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our
left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff"
of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked over
our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown
subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold
water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a
basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the second
page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon
the back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends
our description of this long anticipated personal collision, of which
the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they
disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can
simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement
of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict,

"HERE LIES PHOENIX."

_Phoenixiana._




INCREDULITY.


A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the
company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "_I saw the thing
happen._" "If you did," says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but I
would not have believed it if I had seen it myself."




A SECOND METHUSELAH.


A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the
deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting,
however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one
year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is
recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!"




A SCHOOL TEACHER.


A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many
different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school
teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander.

"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach."

"Did you hire out?"

"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out."

"Why did you give it up?"

"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into
a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles
was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,--named my
objic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin'
me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He
wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I
wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography,
or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a
good teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,'
says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he.

"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little
skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I
turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would
tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I
then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet,
and Snickles was gone!_"




POSTHUMOUS HONOR.


"SANCHO," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services
I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family
vault." "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de
freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, he
make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man."




THE ANTIGALLICAN.


A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was
brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine
in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French
measures_ here."




SWEET DEFINITION.


A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High," where the
teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say
in the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred
by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural
feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of
huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'll
show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further
remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle
pressure--"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in
affectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes," said the not more than
half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers,
for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box
your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what
sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."--_Boston
Transcript._




COULDN'T AFFORD IT.


"I DON'T care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a
genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the
blood to spare--you see that yourself."




PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER.


A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he
had one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil."




PROVOKING.


"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?"

"A rabbit?"

"Yes, be quick! a rabbit."

"Was it a kinder gray varmint?"

"Yes, yes!"

"A longish critter, with a short tail?"

"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow."

"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?"

"Yes, yes!"

"And sorter jumps when it runs?"

"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!"

"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here."




WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE.


ON Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session in
Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to
interrogate him about Washington.

"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?"

"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about
one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for
representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators
don't get theirs till five."

"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another.

"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time
appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't
dine until the next day!"




COOK'S STRIKE.


A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook
who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to
prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was
charming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. So
popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was
nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large
dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a
coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing
herself up said:

"Madam, I strikes!"

"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?"

"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws is
all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_"




BAD STATE.


A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents of
his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what
State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and
misery."




PRESENCE OF MIND.


A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard,
with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to
him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says
Sawney.




EXTRAVAGANCE.


AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since.
When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were
very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he
stayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars.

"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend.

"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch
for us to eat by."




SOMEWHERE.


A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to
a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I
think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied
the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often."




GOOD SHOT.


A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea.
After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an
apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her
account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient
in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with
one stone."




ORIENTAL WIT.


A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old
man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money
deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were
you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my
seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the
tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my
seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time,
the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has got
there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not
got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where
that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come.
"He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money is
thine."




BAD LIGHTS.


AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as
only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter,
let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others
burn."




PAIR OF SPECTACLES.


TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first.
"See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother
makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a
pair of spectacles."




SMART GIRL.


A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the
gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his
authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and
horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as
this is but a woman and a mare."




CROOKED STICK.


AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various
extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a
traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passing
through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road:
and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was.
When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick
of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still."




A CLINCHER.


GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind of
parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since,
told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a
child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times,
and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you
three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully.
"And I've told you _free_ times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it.
You must be stupid."




A MISCONCEPTION.


A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the
latter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimed
the other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have you
to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any
day in the week."




SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS.

FROM PHOENIXIANA.


THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found
useful to your readers:

In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of
annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_.
It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which
I am assured has been tried with efficacy.

Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing,
and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush,
apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and
limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its
tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon
form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the
coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to
retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed
every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage
of simplicity and economy, should be generally known.

So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks
of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--in
theory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of
the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The
heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of
the bite.

You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days
since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still
extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it
down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he,
"and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a
seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was
only so, so."




THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER.


A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of
his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the
sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet
that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the
carpenter, "had I known that it was _for your worship_, I should have
left everything else to do it."




A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.


A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve
her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman
saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new
beauty_."




A REPROOF.


A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse
on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at
him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had
no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a
barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?"
"Ever since he was a _puppy_."




A GOOD TURN.


"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other
man in town."

"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so."

"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth
that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name
the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a
dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present."

"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you
may whittle and I'll turn."




A DISTINCTION.


SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow,
observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is
not the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_." "Very true,"
replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole
is the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_."




CONSOLATION.


IN a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learning
and education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts on
the subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise nor
witty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest fool
living." "No," answered he, "nor shall I be while you live."




RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER.


"MY DEAR," said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinner
to-day?"

"One of your smiles," replied the husband. "I can dine on that every
day."

"But I can't," replied the wife.

"Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and went to his business.

He returned to dinner.

"This is excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?"

"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure," replied the wife.

"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next time you go
to market."




NOT YOU BUT I.


A TRADESMAN pressing one of his customers for payment of a bill, the
latter said, "You need not be in such a hurry; I am not going to run
away." "But," says the creditor, "_I am._"




MY BROTHER'S HUNTING-LODGE.

FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES.


I MET with a ludicrous instance of the dissipation of even latter days,
a few months after my marriage. Lady B---- and myself took a tour
through some of the southern parts of Ireland, and among other places
visited Castle Durrow, near which place my brother, Henry French
Barrington, had built a hunting-cottage, wherein he happened to have
given a house-warming the previous day.

The company, as might be expected at such a place and on such an
occasion, was not the most select; in fact, they were "_hard-going_"
sportsmen.

Among the rest, Mr. Joseph Kelly, of unfortunate fate, brother to Mr.
Michael Kelly (who by-the-by does not say a word about him in his
Reminiscences), had been invited, to add to the merriment by his
pleasantry and voice, and had come down from Dublin for the purpose.

Of this convivial assemblage at my brother's, he was, I suppose, the
very life and soul. The dining-room had not been finished when the day
of the dinner-party arrived, and the lower parts of the walls having
only that morning received their last coat of plaster, were, of course,
totally wet.

We had intended to surprise my brother; but had not calculated on the
scene I was to witness. On driving to the cottage-door I found it open,
while a dozen dogs, of different descriptions, showed ready to receive
us not in the most polite manner. My servant's whip, however, soon sent
them about their business, and I ventured into the parlor to see what
cheer. It was about ten in the morning: the room was strewed with empty
bottles--some broken--some interspersed with glasses, plates, dishes,
knives, spoons, &c., all in glorious confusion. Here and there were
heaps of bones, relics of the former day's entertainment, which the
dogs, seizing their opportunity, had picked. Three or four of the
Bacchanalians lay fast asleep upon chairs--one or two others on the
floor, among whom a piper lay on his back, apparently dead, with a
table-cloth spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles,
burnt to the sockets; his chanter and bags were laid scientifically
across his body, his mouth was wide open, and his nose made ample amends
for the silence of his drone. Joe Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fast
asleep in their chairs, close to the wall.

Had I never viewed such a scene before, it would have almost terrified
me; but it was nothing more than the ordinary custom which we called
_waking the piper_, when he had got too drunk to make any more music.

I went out, and sent away my carriage and its inmate to Castle Durrow,
whence we had come, and afterward proceeded to seek my brother. No
servant was to be seen, man or woman. I went to the stables, wherein I
found three or four more of the goodly company, who had just been able
to reach their horses, but were seized by Morpheus before they could
mount them, and so lay in the mangers awaiting a more favourable
opportunity. Returning hence to the cottage, I found my brother, also
asleep, on the only bed which it then afforded: he had no occasion to
put on his clothes, since he had never taken them off.

I next waked Dan Tyron, a wood-ranger of Lord Ashbrook, who had acted as
maitre d'hôtel in making the arrangements, and providing a horse-load
of game to fill up the banquet. I then inspected the parlor, and
insisted on breakfast. Dan Tyron set to work: an old woman was called in
from an adjoining cabin, the windows were opened, the room cleared, the
floor swept, the relics removed, and the fire lighted in the kitchen.
The piper was taken away senseless, but my brother would not suffer
either Joe or Alley to be disturbed till breakfast was ready. No time
was lost; and, after a very brief interval, we had before us abundance
of fine eggs, and milk fresh from the cow, with brandy, sugar, and
nutmeg, in plenty; a large loaf, fresh butter, a cold round of beef,
which had not been produced on the previous day, red herrings, and a
bowl dish of potatoes roasted on the turf ashes; in addition to which,
ale, whiskey, and port, made up the refreshments. All being duly in
order, we at length awakened Joe Kelly, and Peter Alley, his neighbor:
they had slept soundly, though with no other pillow than the wall; and
my brother announced breakfast with a _view holloa_!

The twain immediately started, and roared in unison with their host most
tremendously! It was, however, in a very different tone from the _view
holloa_, and perpetuated much longer.

"Come, boys," says French, giving Joe a pull, "come!"

"Oh, murder!" says Joe, "I can't!"--"Murder!--murder!" echoed Peter.
French pulled them again, upon which they roared the more, still
retaining their places. I have in my lifetime laughed till I nearly
became spasmodic; but never were my risible muscles put to greater
tension than upon this occasion. The wall, as I said before, had only
that day received a coat of mortar, and of course was quite soft and
yielding, when Joe and Peter thought proper to make it their pillow; it
was, nevertheless, setting fast, from the heat and lights of an eighteen
hours' carousal; and, in the morning, when my brother awakened his
guests, the mortar had completely set and their hair being the thing
most calculated to amalgamate therewith, the entire of Joe's stock,
together with his _queue_, and half his head, was thoroughly and
irrecoverably bedded in the greedy and now marble cement, so that, if
determined to move, he must have taken the wall along with him, for
separate it would not. One side of Peter's head was in the same state of
imprisonment. Nobody was able to assist them, and there they both stuck
fast.

A consultation was now held on this pitiful case, which I maliciously
endeavored to prolong as much as I could, and which was, in fact, every
now and then interrupted by a roar from Peter or Joe, as they made fresh
efforts to rise. At length, it was proposed by Dan Tyron to send for the
stone cutter, and get him to cut them out of the wall with a chisel. I
was literally unable to speak two sentences for laughing. The old woman
meanwhile tried to soften the obdurate wall with melted butter and new
milk--but in vain. I related the school story how Hannibal had worked
through the Alps with hot vinegar and hot irons: this experiment
likewise was made, but Hannibal's solvent had no better success than the
old crone's.

Peter Alley, being of a more passionate nature, grew ultimately quite
outrageous: he roared, gnashed his teeth, and swore vengeance against
the mason; but as he was only held by one side, a thought at last struck
him: he asked for two knives, which being brought, he whetted one
against the other, and introducing the blades close to his skull, sawed
away at cross corners till he was liberated, with the loss only of half
his hair and a piece of his scalp, which he had sliced off in zeal and
haste for his liberty. I never saw a fellow so extravagantly happy! Fur
was scraped from the crown of a hat, to stop the bleeding; his head was
duly tied up with the old woman's _praskeen_; and he was soon in a state
of bodily convalescence. Our solicitude was now required solely for Joe,
whose head was too deeply buried to be exhumed with so much facility. At
this moment, Bob Casey, of Ballynakill, a very celebrated wig-maker,
just dropped in, to see what he could pick up honestly in the way of his
profession, or steal in the way of anything else; and he immediately
undertook to get Mr. Kelly out of the mortar by a very expert but
tedious process, namely clipping with his scissors, and then rooting out
with an oyster-knife. He thus finally succeeded, in less than an hour,
in setting Joe once more at liberty, at the price of his queue, which
was totally lost, and of the exposure of his raw and bleeding occiput.
The operation was, indeed, of a mongrel description--somewhat between a
complete tonsure and an imperfect scalping, to both of which
denominations it certainly presented claims. However, it is an ill wind
that blows nobody good! Bob Casey got the making of a skull-piece for
Joe, and my brother French had the pleasure of paying for it, as
gentlemen in those days honored any order given by a guest to the family
shopkeeper or artisan.




A PARTNERSHIP.


AFTER divine service at Worcester cathedral, where a remarkably fine
anthem had been performed, the organ-blower observed to the organist, "I
think we have performed mighty well to-day." "_We_ performed!" answered
the organist, "if I am not mistaken it was _I_ that performed." Next
Sunday, in the midst of a voluntary, the organ stopped all at once. The
organist, enraged, cried out, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow, popping
out his head, said, "Shall it be _we_ then?"




A WIT FOR LADIES.


A LADY of vivacity was by a waggish friend proposed to be made
acquainted with a gentleman of infinite wit, an offer she gladly
accepted. After the interview, her friend asked how she liked him. She
said, "Delightfully! I have hardly ever found a person so agreeable."
The damsel, uninterrupted in her own loquacity, had not discovered that
this witty gentleman was----_dumb_!




A BRAGGADOCIO REPROVED.


AN officer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, that
in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I," said
the Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a
pretty girl." "How could that be," said the captain, "since there are no
chimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I have
allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me to
descend a chimney in Switzerland."




MRS. MUNCHAUSEN.


A TRAVELED London lady gives the following incident, among others, to a
circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin'
haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next
me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a
Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition
question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the
Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the
Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?'
'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'.
When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as
my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall!
for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the
side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the
Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a
mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified
listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L----. "The cabin
passengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp
chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But
for my part, it quite spoiled my happetite."




OLD BABES.


A HIBERNIAN, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they
put him in mind of "the babes in the wood."




A SELL.


THE river _Monitor_ tells the following story:

A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and
told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to
expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be
the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston,
and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man
who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader
says:

"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?"

"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I
want a glass of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice
cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely
lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his
head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard.

"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper.

"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left
home, to buy a plug of tobacco--have you got that article?"

The store-keeper sloped instanter.




A SELL.


A WITTY knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as
would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it
appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol.




PRACTICAL JOKING.


A FEW days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother
D----, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said--

"Squire D----, W----, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and
I want to come up with him."

"State your case," says D----.

"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and
wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team,
and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he
wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it."

D---- gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted
upon as follows:

He went to the stabler and said--

"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?"

Stabler replied--"Five dollars."

"Harness him up!"

Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler,
saying--

"Here is your money," paying him five dollars.

"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W.

"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem."




SOLITUDE.


"YOU are always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend,"
replied he, "the husband and wife are _one_; and when I am _alone_, I
grow weary."




SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS.


A CORRESPONDENT of the _Richmond Dispatch_ tells the following in a
letter from one of the Springs:

An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee
road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As
the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with
the usual custom _a lamp_ was lit. A servant girl, accompanying her
mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit
she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions.
Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her,
remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her
mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was
deeply mortified, and called upon her--"Molly, don't make such a noise;
it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh,
missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to
de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such
vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became
convulsed with laughter.




GOODBYE.


A MINIKIN three-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, was
examining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head;
higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir." "Higher, fellow--higher." " What--so, Sir?"
"Yes, fellow." "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly."
"Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again."




MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.--DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN.

FROM PHOENIXIANA.


MR. MUDGE has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings with
him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children,
and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pending
the arrival of the next coasting steamer.

Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a
"sable silvered," but a _yaller_ gilded; you can see some of it sticking
out of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume of
Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed a
brownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut--a
pleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combined
with a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye--a red
eye we think it is--we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may be
distinguished.

Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps the
reader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thing
it is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and
the slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out
all over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, but
waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should say
sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat
(whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turned
that article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its
condition with alarming seriousness.

"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge," said we, as with a sudden bolt we
recovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you,"
replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now."

There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention;
we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air,
listened to what he might have to say.

"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said Mr. Mudge, "as
we wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Thar
was a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, he
got to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good young
man and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacus
river, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passed
through my mind." So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket--his
waistcoat pocket--a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then he
drew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a red
ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose--an awful
blast it was--wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge's
lines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets or
poetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare:

    DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK.

    BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ.

    it was on June the tenth
    our hearts were very sad
    for it was by an awful accident
    we lost a fine young lad
    Jeames Hambric was his name
    and alas it was his lot
    to you I tell the same
    he was accidently shot

    on the peacus river side
    the sun was very hot
    and its there he fell and died
    where he was accidently shot

    on the road his character good
    without a stain or blot
    and in our opinions growed
    until he was accidently shot

    a few words only he spoke
    for moments he had not
    and only then he seemed to choke
    I was accidently shot

    we wrapped him in a blanket good
    for coffin we had not
    and then we buried him where he stood
    when he was accidently shot

    and as we stood around his grave
    our tears the ground did blot
    we prayed to god his soul to save
    he was accidently shot

This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short and
would do to go over his grave:--

      EPITAFF.

      here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick
      who was accidently shot
      on the bank of the peacus river
      by a young man

he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver with
no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kind
brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven.

truly yourn,

ORION W MUDGE ESQ




CASUISTICAL ARITHMETIC.


A BRACE of partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen;
"Come, Tom," said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let us
see how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three." "With
all my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one for _you two_ and here is one
for _me too_."




JOHNSONIAN ADVICE.


MRS. B. desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being
likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
Doctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "_I advise you, Madam, to
put it where your other irons are._"




BLUNDERS OF SIR BOYLE ROCHE.

FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES.


THE Baronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull and
blunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fine
aphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose in
the Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommended
by Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to be
felt burdensome for many years to come--it was observed in reply, that
the house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt for
what could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager to
defend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very few
words, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuity
could possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are to
beggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask the
honorable gentleman, and this _still more_ honorable house, why we
should put ourselves out of our way for _posterity_: for what has
_posterity_ done for _us_?"

Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed this
sensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything out
of the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house had
misunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as he
apprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assured
the house that "by _posterity_, he did not at all mean our _ancestors_,
but those who were to come _immediately_ after _them_." Upon hearing
this _explanation_, it was impossible to do any serious business for
half an hour.

Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possible
for the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, that
he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his florid
picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event.
"Gentlemen," said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, and
may think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and will
so remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now;
but when the _day of judgment_ comes, _then_ honorable gentlemen will be
satisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Levitical
degrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin nor
shame in _marrying our own sister_."

He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose in
the house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr.
Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted the
villanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of our
ancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till they
brought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of the
nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his
heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while he
described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the
French republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villains
should invade us, Sir, 'tis on _that very table_, may-be, these
honorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of
one another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderous _Marshallaw-men_
(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw our
bleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!"

Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpus
suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker,"
said he, "to give up not only a _part_, but, if necessary, even the
_whole_, of our constitution, to preserve _the remainder_!"




A PLACEMAN.


"I CANNOT conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; my
estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do."

"My lord, I have a place."

"A place! I never heard of it; what place?"

"I am _my own steward_."




LET US START FAIR.


MANY years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the
midst of his sermon, the alarm was given, _A wreck! a wreck!_ The
congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when
the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This
arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his
canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start
fair!"




DEGREES OF COMPARISON.


AN Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old
acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him.
You are thin, and I am thin; but he is _thinner than both of us put
together_."




A MISUNDERSTANDING.


A POOR curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's
shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being
refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as
well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his
discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The
good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul
says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old
score."




A STORY TELLER.


A PERSON of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the
midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go
on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in
about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well,
gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying----"




A RETORT.


AN Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a
celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your
_whiskers_ on the _peace establishment_?" His lordship answered, "When
you put your _tongue_ on the _civil list_."




A LOUD LETTER.


"WHAT are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my
grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."




GO THE WHOLE.


A PEASANT, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some
hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from
the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may
set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the
remainder soon."




SHARP BOY.


A MAN driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a
barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy,
"Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn
her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her
then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow,
with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the
cow out himself.




HIGH FAMILY.


A PERSON was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland.
"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high
that their feet could not touch the ground."




SETTLING.


"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?"

"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old
_settlers_."




CAUSE OF REGRET.


A LAD, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into
tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that
Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that
he would leave him _nothing to gain_; I on the contrary weep for fear
that you will leave me _nothing to lose_."




THE PROPER PERSON.


A GENTLEMAN passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some
impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did
thus: "I have been abused here, by some of the _rascals_ of this inn,
and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the
_Principal_."




AN AWKWARD SITUATION.


LORD LYTTLETON asked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a young
divine he had brought down with him. "I really know not," said the
parson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach better
than I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if
he preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all."




CALL AGAIN TO-MORROW.


A HERETIC in medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call.
Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call another
time; I am unwell, and can't see him now."




JOKE FROM HARPER'S DRAWER.


WHO is not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch of
Connecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine story
contributed to the Drawer:

"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C----k, who preached
many years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part of
Connecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from the
distant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate at
noon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission.' Some brought a
hard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman,
who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some pudding
and milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spill
over on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcher
with a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived at
the meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of the
day soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in her
devotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice--as
many church-goers seem to have learned--that she could receive and
'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening her
mouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared,
and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by a
rustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider the
cause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck of
the pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. Poor
Put had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and taking
advantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat of
his mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head had
glided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quite
in, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricate
himself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The old
lady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terrible
thoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog and
pitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, the
rascally insult of the puppy--but, above all, the loss of her
'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried,

"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'!
Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!'

"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady
seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished
preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole
congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and
it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed."




ARMOND.


ARMOND, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in
chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at
the door. The sentinel refused to admit him.

"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's
barber."

"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in
church."




MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST.


"WHERE did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he
shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while
like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody
given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets,"
said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to
clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars.
"Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she
should give you money?--she must be some low creature, or you would not
speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any
desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society."
How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets,"
said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed,
"how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes
people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he
explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on
Burlingame and had won.




ADORATION.


AT a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging
the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation,
it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and
the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the
bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife
a-_door_-ing each other.




NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB.


CHARLES LAMB once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party
denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought
to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You
may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as
you, at such a distance."




TOO GREEN.


"SALLIE," said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head
away from me; you will set me on fire."

"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn."




HIGH COMPANY.


A GASCON was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed
wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe.
"Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!"
says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several
times."




EMPHASIS.


THE force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy,
between two lawyers:

"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"

"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not _imagine_ you to be one."




A FORGETFUL MAN.


A MAN, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was
tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as
Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had
forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from
1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite
had been born there during that time, and that was a girl.

"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge.

"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't."

"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"

"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was
somewhere else."

"Where does your family live at present?"

"I don't know; I've forgotten."

"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"

"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then
again I think I haven't."

"What trade do you follow?"

"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't
tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other."




AN ACUTE HINT.


AN Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his
friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance
of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say,
Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?--_what would your honor have me
to tell him?_"




COCKNEY NARRATIVE.


I _laid_ at my friend's house last night, and _just_ as I _laid me down_
to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was
_just_ over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was _just_
even with the floor of my room. Well, I _just_ peeped up, and as the
moon was _just_ rising, I _just_ saw the head of a man; so I _got me up_
softly, _just_ as I was, in my shirt, _goes_ to where the pistols _laid_
that I had _just_ loaded, and laid them _just_ within my reach. I hid
myself behind the curtains, _just_ as he was completely in the room.
_Just_ as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, _thinks I_, would it
be _just_ to kill _this here_ man, without _one_ were sure he came with
an _unjust_ intention? so I _just_ cried out _hem!_ upon which he fell
to the ground, and there he _laid_, and I could _just_ see that he
looked _just_ as if he was dead; so I _just_ asked him what business he
had in _that there_ room? Poor man! he could _just_ speak, and said he
had _just_ come to see Mary!




SINCERE REGRET.


TO a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife
before his second, she one day said, "_Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her
more than I do._"




HARD CASE.


A POLITE young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a
barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning,
on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen."




BIG WORDS.


THE best hit we have lately seen at the _rather_ American fashion of
employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the
following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:

"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with _malice prepense_?"

"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron."

"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him
with any evil intent?"

"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent."

"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a
preconcerted affair?"

"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair--it was at a circus."




LACONIC AND DECISIVE.


A WEALTHY Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to
quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to
travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following
answer:

"Dear Ephraim,

"Nothing but death shall part us.

"FREDERICK."




THEATRICAL CRITICISM.


WHEN Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few
days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in
the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "_I
think,_" said Garrick, "_that you struck out all the beauties in it._"




A MISTAKE.


FREDRICK I. of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was
wont to ask him, "How old are you?--how long have you been in my
service?--have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman
who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of
the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers
ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the
questions:

Q. How long have you been in my service?

A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty.

Q. How old are you?

A. One year.

The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The
soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and
clothing, replied, "_Both_, and please your majesty."




CONSOLATION.


AN Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of
the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky
soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a
terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a
noise for? _Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?_"




SEVERAL NEGATIVES.


"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want
to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't."




DIFFERENT LINES.


A PERSON arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend
after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the
misfortune to be hanged during his absence:

"How is Tom Moody?"

"He is dead."

"He was in the grocery line when I left this."

"He was in quite a different _line_ when he died."




NEGRO WIT.


A JAMAICA PLANTER, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the
_illuminating_ Bardolph, was taking his _siesta_ after dinner, when a
mosquito lighting on his _proboscis_, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa
mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "_you burn your foot!_"




THEATRICAL BON-MOT.


IN a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her
communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to
be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out,
there is nobody to hear us."




CONCISENESS.


LOUIS XIV. traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he
asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered,
"Bruges--Paris--a benefice." "You shall have it."




ALLIES WILL FALL OUT.


A GENTLEMAN having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his
servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on
opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them
dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for
putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of
them hurting each other, as they were going to fight _on the same side_.




CATCHING A TARTAR.


AN Irish soldier called out to his companion:

"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."

"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"

"He won't come."

"Then come yourself."

"_He won't let me._"




ANTIGALLICAN.


A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass
of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed
_French stuff_." The waiter said respectfully, "_Genuine British_, Sir,
I assure you."




IMPRACTICABILITY.


A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy,
observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other
answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."




A DIALOGUE.


THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the
violin, the following hits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this
fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavor to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather to _kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.




AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT.


A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the
part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress
should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter,
"you are a complete proof of the contrary."




A COMMAND ANTICIPATED.


IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp,
was ordered to form _two deep_. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm
_too deep_ already; I am up to the middle."




A SMALL MISTAKE.


AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the _Sphinx_ alluded to in company,
whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man."
"Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "_a
Munster-man_! I thought he was from Connaught."




A HOME TRUTH.


WHEN the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of
Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to
his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her
fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at
Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the
worst part of her Grace's property."




SHINING WIT.


A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the
Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the
_polish_ you have is on your boots, and that I gave you."




A FATAL STEP PREVENTED.


A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless
your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my
resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked
what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should
have been obliged to go _to work_."




A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED.


A SAILOR being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed,
said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is _round_;
now I have been all _round_ it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is _as
flat as a pancake_."




A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER.


FEW persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that
exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the
Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes
that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are
not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given
to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and
judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by
the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place
between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there,
however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among
the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all
violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which
occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye
witness of the whole transaction.

Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a
court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr.
D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of
Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to
give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he
let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and
reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of
tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language.

"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr.
D."

"By ----," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and
I'll swear as much as I ----please."

"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk."

"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D.,
"before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper."

"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk."

"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by ----
there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon."

"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk."

"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with
me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by
----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it."

"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars
more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money
must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison."

The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and
before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might
to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was
terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the
mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his
fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released.

He now breathed nothing but vengeance.

"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the
Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity."

The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired
to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is
as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and
integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons,
entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic
indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge
noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular
strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He
observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed
hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room,
posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible--the stranger
meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and
the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger
sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants
keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length,
the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of
the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his
room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in
watching his movements thus pertinaciously.

"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might
have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy
River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They
telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you
a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give
you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say
the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart
pot."

Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and
withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the
Judge.




JUDGE PETERS.


ON his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in
the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat
troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and
expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience
inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect
that I am a JUDGE--I do not regard the DUST, I am accustomed to it. The
lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house."




WITTY APOLOGY.


A PHYSICIAN calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely
afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and
the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come
along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to
taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just
been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will
never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then,"
rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have
found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."




BENEVOLENCE.


"TAKE a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike
Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!--don't care much though for the orphans, but
_I goes in strong for the widows_!"




MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION.


MRS. PARTINGTON, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for
a young ladies' boarding school, said:

"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to.
When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction,
provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew
all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories,
the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they
are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of
sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say
nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus
saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in
her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation.




OBEYING ORDERS.


A CERTAIN General of the United States Army, supposing his favorite
horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him.

"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat.

"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no
questions."

Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned.

"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general.

"Skinning your horse, your honor."

"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"

"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch
the horse."

"Catch him! Fires and furies--was he alive?"

"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know."

"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"

"To be sure I did, your honor--and sure you know I must obey orders
without asking questions."




A REASON.


AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an
Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion,
_Domine, non sum dignus._--"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well
enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my
cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you."




CANVASSING.


AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote.

"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply.

"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might
I then count on your assistance?"




WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY.


AN anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the
rounds in Dublin. Mr. ---- is a man of aldermanic proportions. He
chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and
drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence,
which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the
distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of
taking the money which Mr. ----held in his hands, he busied himself
putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the
back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook
ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with
it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised
at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of
these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To
which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the
infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover
the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't
want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far
for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen,
that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready
joke.




A CONSEQUENCE.


A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with
drugs, that he was _sick_ for a fortnight after he was _quite well_.




A SEA CHAPLAIN.


THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a
Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to
inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the
better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a
_British clergyman_?" "_Why, because I believe I am the first captain
that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all._"




THE MODEST BARRISTER.


A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of
assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the
defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned
counsel, had not _impudence_ enough to repeat? She replied in the
affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the
Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if _you_ have
not _impudence_ enough to speak them, how can you suppose that _I_
have?"




A DISTINCTION.


A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth,
which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the
lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I
am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's _lady_." "_If you were his
wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!_"




CONSEQUENCE.


A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town,
entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his
dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was
taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere
discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At
length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous.
"Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the
house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure,
Sir, that you was no gentleman."

Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass
of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after
drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said
the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition:
call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating,
when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is
the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that
character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get
rid of them."




PROOF OF CIVILIZATION.


A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if
he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the
possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little
of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European whatever."




MAN AND BEAST.


"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified
snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then
for man and beast," replied a bystander.




SATISFACTORY PROOF.


A NOBLE, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author
of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in
office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence,
assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would
not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took
the pen and began, "_This is to scratify, that the buk called the ----_"
"Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your
lordship did not write the book."




LANGUAGES CHARACTERIZED.


CHARLES V., speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus
described them: "The _French_ is the best language to speak to one's
friend--the _Italian_ to one's mistress--the _English_ to the
people--the _Spanish_ to God--and the _German_ to a horse."




CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL.


WHY is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his
sweetheart? Do you give it up?

Because it takes so long to get enough of it.




DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE.


BOB PICKERING, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round
his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing.

_Mr. Davis_, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:--About an hour
before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a
loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little
dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner
in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms.

_Mr. Dyer:_ What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to
steal the dog.

_Prisoner:_ (_affecting a look of astonishment_)--Vot, me _steal_ a dog?
Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of
sitch an hadwenture. Here's the _factotal_ of the consarn as I'm a
honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here
poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a
looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here
sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a
cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout
a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I
vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and,"
says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so _werry honest_ and so
werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a
ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith
his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of
_bowwow_ grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to
swear as how I vos arter _prigging_ on it!

_Mr. Dyer:_ How do you get your living?

_Prisoner:_ Vorks along vith my father and mother--and lives vith my
relations wot's perticler respectable.

_Mr. Dyer:_ Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner?

_Policeman:_ The prisoner's three brothers were transported last
session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner
has been a dog-stealer for years.

_Prisoner:_ Take care vot you say--if you proves your vords, vy my
carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little
vun in" ven I comes out of _quod_.

_Mr. Dyer:_ What is the worth of the dog?

_Mr. Davis:_ It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed.

_Prisoner:_ There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog--now is it
feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal?

The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely,
as he committed him to prison for three months.




A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION.


A SCOTCHMAN who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept.
"Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle
better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale
nicht."




THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS.


A SMALL-MADE MAN, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored
mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good
imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to
establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a
whole-length likeness of one _Mister_ Robert White, a member of the
"black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers.

The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all
the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it
was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to
suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public."

Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it
appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of
caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from
five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the
"Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly
to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of
Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having
solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant
was sitting, and was offered a shilling for a _full-length_ likeness.
This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided
the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"--red velvet
smalls--nankeen gaiters--sky-blue waistcoat--canary wipe--and
full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished,
but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back
_open and shet_ afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a
reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait."

The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by
the agreement.

"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That
'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud
behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd.
Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn
vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to
his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot
I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should
be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw _phisogomony_ under _Sir
Peter Laurie_."

"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir
Thomas Lawrence."

"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here
persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in
my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a
_bull with a belly-ache_." (_Laughter._)

The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On
inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present
an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously
of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's
countenance.

"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here,
he's draw'd me vith a _bunch of ingans_ a sticking out of my pocket.
I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my
pockets."

"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist--"I'll submit it to any
gentleman who is a _real_ judge of the 'fine arts,' whether that
(_pointing to the appendage_) can be taken for any thing else than the
gentleman's _watch-seals_."

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a
good 'un--I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none--so the
pictur can't be _like_ me."

The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and
being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum
sought, and costs.

The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man
undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking
up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman,
Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on
Sundays."




RETORT COURTEOUS.


SOON after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this
country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats
with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr.
Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of
the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!"
was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance
from each other, touched their hats and passed on.




TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG.


"YOU see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a
corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips,
and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of
its contents."

"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they
do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and
sucked."




ACCOMMODATING BOARDER.


THE landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, the
sleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to pay
your bill, and you _must_. I've asked you for it often enough; and I
tell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!"
said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement of
it; I'll stay with you as long as I live!"




ACCOMMODATING COOK.


_Mistress:_ "I think, cook, we must part this day month."

_Cook:_ (in astonishment)--"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave your
own way in most everything?"




GOOD SHOT.


A SON of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in the
woods, and shot him.

"By me soul and St. Patrick," he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of all
the rabbits."




BILLINGSGATE RHETORIC.


AN action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between two
Billingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity of
displaying much small wit.

The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs,
labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and that
while she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which were
afterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davis
grossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people,
called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobrious
epithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on the
value and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin,
consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord," continued he, "is
as dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm we
tread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vital
faculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not the
feelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod,' and 'dainty fresh salmon,'
be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Another
aggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his client
was an _Old Maid_; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foul
word applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His client
was not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and be
restored to that _place_ in society she had so long maintained.

The Judge inquired if that was the _sole_ object of the plaintiff, or
was it not rather baiting with a _sprat_ to catch a _herring_?

Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant.

The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite
side had been _floundering_ for some time, and he could not but think
that Mrs. Isaacs was a _flat fish_ to come into court with such an
action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman
complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the
words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were
nothing more than the customary language, the _lex non scripta_, by
which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit
for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings
would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at
midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit
at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the
learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a _shrimp_.

Verdict. Damages, _One Penny_.




HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY.


RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of
Pennsylvania, under the old régime, probably the most deservedly
popular,--in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being
at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with
a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain
occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress
observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all _hang together_." "If
you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be
very apt to _hang separately_."




WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN.


IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in
the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for
the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of
West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black
eye--a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was
called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster.
Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if
it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the
court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And
when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe--"
Webster roared out:

"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!"

Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and
went on with her testimony.

And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued
the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the
result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large
snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying
the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then
extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to
his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report
that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall.

_Webster:_ Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman?

_Mrs. Greenough:_ I cannot give you very full information as to that,
Sir; she had one very dirty trick.

_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am?

_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff!

The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the
Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs.
Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample time
to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown
on his head by a woman.




A TEMPERANCE LECTURE.


"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor
Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son."
"Because you can't pass it," said the boy.




A DARNED SUBJECT.


A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned
stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ look
much worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't!




GO IT.


IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old
"brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual
manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going
up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour
kin--any day."




TAPPING.


A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy,
brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon
him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain
entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from
drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his
friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had
been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had
just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please,"
said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house
that lasted long."

The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the
next day.




DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.


A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel,
just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and
understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could
not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the
mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his
hands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards and
began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of
ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now,"
said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down
upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of
hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up,
however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a
pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But
stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as
if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the
table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a
jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of
bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander;
the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally
cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of
triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack of
hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here
it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his
pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to
examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were
convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to
confess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee._"




A HIGH AUTHORITY.


MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his
colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and
who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the
case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then,"
said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a _high_ authority behind me,
who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter
for the steeple."




MISTAKEN THIS TIME.


COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most
pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known
by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of
him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of
their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman,
one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with
him, saying--

"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir,
I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir."

"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning."

"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"

"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"

"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"

"I am an unmarried man, Sir."

"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"

"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born."

"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir."




ONE OF THE BOYS.


NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and
the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with
permission to be seen in the parlor.

"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately
gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little
fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his
huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the
ladies and gentlemen--

"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell,
that's _me_!"

The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence
delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the
evening.




BOY ALL OVER.


A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's
school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of
a peculiar sort. The following are specimens:

"_On Industry._--It is bad for a man to be _idol_. Industry is the best
thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired
it long, and without the site. Finis."

"_On the Seasons._--There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and
Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but
as for me,--give me liberty, or give me death. The End."--_Olive
Branch._




PREPARATION FOR DINING.


AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him
engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of
the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the
reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth."




POETRY AND PRIGGING.


BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in
character, a strong analogy exists--and that list of "petty larceny
rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the
Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets
appears to be--that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among
thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter,
less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as
old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a
mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be
questioned, the following case will justify our assertion.

Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a
police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty
thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and
ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from
his stall.

The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was
situated--that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"--was so
infested with "young _warmint_" that he found it utterly impossible to
turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his
board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the
look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next
inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished.
While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to
cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great
astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world
as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to
follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the
mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent
making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of
which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart
administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of
his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery
that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner
that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs,
half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot;
all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of
his morning's legerdemain labor.

Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they
were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets,
ordered that he should be detained for the present.

The boy when removed to the lock-up room--a place which familiarity with
had taught him to regard with indifference--amused himself by giving
vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich,
which he scratched on the wall:

    "Him as prigs wot isn't _his'n_--
    Ven he's cotched--vill go to _pris'n_."




NAUTICAL SERMON.


WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the
following bold apostrophe in his sermon:

"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a
smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land.
But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud
arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant
thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm
gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against
the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The
ship is on her beam ends! What next?"

It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the
deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and
minds, and exclaimed, "_Take to the long boat._"




BREVET MAJOR.


A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company,
and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your
face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone--"I
made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand,
exclaimed--"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you."




ADVERTIZING HIGH.


A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of
night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement
on the moon!"




COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.


GOVERNOR S---- was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their
seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases,
almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused
of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The
jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their
eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to
the prisoner and said:

"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that
horse?"

"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've
heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!"




LARGE SNAKE.


AN Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to
procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a
rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the
earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his
scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he
wanted.

"Four quarts," answered the Indian.

"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?"

"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning
as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four
quarts--_snake very big_."




DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION.


BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the
"order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of
having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution,
contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off
a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the
dust contractor.

"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy,
"master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our
beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no
body had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them
'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vos
out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip
down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into
von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and
collers both on 'em vith master's property."

_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say in
defence?

_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud.

_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust?

_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his
ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his
ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so,
my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's
airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have
a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and
jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and
lugs us avay to this here hoffice.

_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined
10_l._ Have you got 10_l._ a-piece?

_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I should
like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. All
as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to the
other_)--you got any capital, Bill?

_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a baked
tater.

Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had
been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided
for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty
would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case.

The fine of 10_l._ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment.




ARBOREAL.


A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his
genealogical tree.

"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I
have that one. I will ask my gardener."




EXPLICIT.


IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:--

"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant,
with a son or daughter."




BAD COUGH.


A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad
cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them
remarked in a tone of displeasure--

"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours."

"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the best
I've got."




JUSTICE.


A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock,
fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman
escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the
deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to
trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a
word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded
hostility, gave the following judgment:

"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and
let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall
upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied."

The brother withdrew his suit.




POSTHUMOUS.


AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works.
"They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is
dead."




AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS.


KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December
number we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B., of New Haven, is a
talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight,
witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable
"fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was
anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of
hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the
presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short
walk--be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the
old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and
ordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered,
and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing,
though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the
Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam
stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take
his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out
to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration
for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julep
to cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't."




LIBERALITY.


"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you
have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may
keep it for your honesty."




PEDANTRY REPROVED.


A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain
of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that
offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate
companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just
arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of
the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with
everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior
knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass,
asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity,
took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's
face, replied, "Hoc est _quid_."




BON MOT.


MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his
practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an
extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in
the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his
misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of
the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel,
"for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost."




CAUSE OF GRIEF.


AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry
her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she,
"the thought of it makes me weep."




WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.


A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the
country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey
trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a
broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character
of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious
of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the
purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had much
rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains
between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you
had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard
me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State
Prison," returned the clergyman.




COUNSEL AND WITNESS.


A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was
repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at
length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for
what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the
rascally impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness.




WORKING A PASSAGE.


A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead
the horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination,
he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in
America."




TIMOTHY DEXTER.


ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was
born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,)
"1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the
signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by
to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."

Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser,
commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a
house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials,
was converted into a shop and tan-yard.

By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase
of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which
he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit,
as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the
pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on
the pound.

His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of _warming pans_ to
the _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on prime
cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a
large quantity of _whalebone for ships' stays_,--the article rose in
value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.

Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity
became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave
large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in
his praise.

His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and
splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an
elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with
numerous figures of illustrious personages.

By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden,
during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in
the following ludicrous style:

"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord
Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it
they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch
it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have
a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of
Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted
with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings
Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so
solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous
is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale
for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me

TIMOTHY DEXTER."

Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a
deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.




TELEGRAPH.


A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and
how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the
measles."




CONUNDRUMS.


WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon.

When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_)

When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to the
measure.

Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he
waited for his trunk.

Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are
_many_ bony parts.




NEAT REPLY.


A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and
seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a
jeweller--I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything
more gallant than that?




ON THE STUMP.


A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no
West, no North, no South.

"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your
geography."




LITERARY HUSBAND.


"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a
book." "I wish you were--an _almanac_," replied her lord, "and then I
would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled.




ECONOMY.


"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a
whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your
children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep
you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next
night!"




A TRICK.


THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get
some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink.
"Give me the money, then, father," replied the son.

"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without
money, that is a trick."

So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing
the jug before his father, said, "Drink."

"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"

"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer,
anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no
beer, that is a trick!"




QUICK TIME.


A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was
paying his addresses.

"Pray, Miss D----," said he, "what time do you prefer?"

"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the
better."




STRONG AFFECTION.


THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where
the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has
many of his own ribs broken that very way.




VERY AFFECTING.


A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of
reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public
streets as a "poor widow with eight small children."




HARD SHAVE.


"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a
gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in
his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent."




COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER.


CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman.
Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero
replied, "Can your mother tell yours?"




A SAUCY DOCTOR.


"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you
are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor,
"what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."




EXPOSING A PARSON.


A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before
the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a
strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in
waiting upon customers.

"What is your name?"

No reply.

"What is your name?" he repeated,

"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well
enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring
me some more ale?'"

The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a
broad grin, and the parson looked daggers.




NATURAL HISTORY.


"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight
the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers
torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history.
No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by
their tails to the clothes line."