Produced by David Widger






[Illustration: Titlepage]

[Illustration: Henry Howard]

"The portrait of Surrey which is now at Hampton Court, and which is
attributed to Holbein, though probably by his imitator, Guillim Stretes,
apparently dates from a period when he was a very young man. It is a
valuable and highly interesting picture; especially in regard to the
dress, which, except for the white shirt, embroidered with Moresque
work, is entirely red, and with the flat red cap, red shoes ornamented
with studs of gold, the richly chased dagger and sword, is an admirable
example of the gorgeous style of costume prevalent at Court at the
latter end of the reign of Henry VIII, 'Law's History of Hampton Court
Palace in Tudor Times.'"




THE VNFORTUNATE TRAVELLER OR THE LIFE OF JACK WILTON: WITH AN ESSAY ON
THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF THOMAS NASH BY EDMUND GOSSE


London Printed And Issued By Charles Whittingham & Co At The Chiswick
Press MDCCCXCII


     Contents.

     An Essay on the Life and Writings of Thomas Nash

     The Dedication to the Earl of Southampton

     To the Gentlemen Readers

     The Induction to the Pages of the Court

     The Unfortunate Traveller




AN ESSAY ON THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF THOMAS NASH.

It is mainly, no doubt, but I hope not exclusively, an antiquarian
interest which attaches to the name of Thomas Nash. It would be
absurd to claim for a writer so obscure a very prominent place in the
procession of Englishmen of letters. His works proclaim by their extreme
rarity the fact that three centuries of readers have existed cheerfully
and wholesomely without any acquaintance with their contents. At the
present moment, the number of those living persons who have actually
perused the works of Nash may probably be counted on the fingers of
two hands. Most of these productions are uncommon to excess, one or two
exist in positively unique examples. There is no use in arguing against
such a fact as this. If Nash had reached, or even approached, the
highest order of merit, he would have been placed, long ere this, within
the reach of all. Nevertheless, his merits, relative if not positive,
were great. In the violent coming of age of Elizabethan literature,
his voice was heard loudly, not always discordantly, and with an accent
eminently personal to himself. His life, though shadowy, has elements of
picturesqueness and pathos; his writings are a storehouse of oddity and
fantastic wit

It has been usual to class Nash with the Precursors of Shakespeare, and
until quite lately it was conjectured that he was older than Greene and
Peele, a contemporary of Lodge and Chapman. It is now known that he
was considerably younger than all these, and even than Marlowe and
Shakespeare. Thomas Nash, the fourth child of the Rev. William Nash, who
to have been curate of Lowestoft in Suffolk, was baptized in that
town in November, 1567. The Nashes continued to live in Lowestoft, where
the father died in 1603, probably three years after the death of his son
Thomas. Of the latter we hear nothing more until, in October, 1582, at
the age of fifteen, he matriculated as a sizar of St. John's College,
Cambridge. Cooper says that he was admitted a scholar on the Lady
Margaret's foundation in 1584. He remained at Cambridge, in unbroken
residence, until July, 1589, "seven year together, lacking a quarter,"
as he tells us positively in "Lenten Stuff."

Cambridge was the hotbed of all that was vivid and revolutionary in
literature at that moment, and Robert Greene was the centre of literary
Cambridge. When Nash arrived, Greene, who was seven years his senior,
was still in residence at his study in Clare Hall, having returned from
his travels in Italy and Spain, ready, in 1583, to take his degree as
master of arts. He was soon, however, to leave for London, and it is
unlikely that a boy of sixteen would be immediately admitted to
the society of those "lewd wags" who looked up to the already
distinguished Greene as to a master. But Greene, without doubt, made
frequent visits to his university, and on one of these was probably
formed that intimate friendship with Nash which lasted until near the
elder poet's death. Marlowe was at Corpus, then called Benet College,
during five years of Nash's residence, but it is by no means certain
that their acquaintance began so early. It is, indeed, in the highest
degree tantalizing that these writers, many of whom loved nothing better
than to talk about themselves, should have neglected to give us the
information which would precisely be most welcome to us. A dozen whole
"Anatomies of Absurdity" and "Supplications of Pierce Penniless"
might be eagerly exchanged for a few pages in which the literary life of
Cambridge from 1582 to 1589 should be frankly and definitely described.

It has been surmised that Nash was ejected from the university in 1587.
His enemy, Gabriel Harvey, who was extremely ill-informed, gives this
account of what occurred:--

"[At Cambridge], (being distracted of his wits) [Nash] fell into diverse
misdemeanours, which were the first steps that brought him to this
poor estate. As, namely, in his fresh-time, how he flourished in all
impudency towards scholars, and abuse to the townsmen; insomuch that to
this day the townsmen call every untoward scholar of whom there is great
hope, _a very Nash_. Then, being bachelor of arts, which by great labour
he got, to show afterwards that he was not unworthy of it, had a hand in
a show called _Terminus et non terminus_; for the which his partner in
it was expelled the college; but this foresaid Nash played in it (as I
suppose) the Varlet of Clubs.... Then suspecting himself that he should
be stayed for _egregie dunsus_, and not attain to the next degree, said
he had commenced enough, and so forsook Cambridge, being bachelor of the
third year."

But, even in this poor gossip, we find nothing about ejection. Nash's
extraordinary abuse of language is probably the cause of that report. In
1589, in prefacing his "Anatomy of Absurdity," he remarked:--

"What I have written proceeded not from the pen of vainglory, but from
the process of that pensiveness, which two summers since overtook me;
whose obscured cause, best known to every name of curse, hath compelled
my wit to wander abroad unregarded in this satirical disguise, and
counselled my content to dislodge his delight from traitors' eyes."

That the young gentleman meant something by these sentences, it is only
charitable to suppose; that he could have been intelligible, even to
his immediate contemporaries, is hardly to be believed. This "obscured
cause" has been taken to be, by some, his removal from the University,
and, by others, his entanglement with a young woman. It is perhaps
simpler to understand him to say that the ensuing pamphlet was written,
in consequence of an intellectual crisis, in 1587, when he was twenty
years of age.

At twenty-two, at all events, we find him in London, beginning his
career as a man of letters. His first separate publication seems to have
been the small quarto in black letter from which a quotation has just
been made. This composition, named an "Anatomy" in imitation of several
then recent popular treatises of a similar title, is only to be pardoned
on the supposition that it was a boyish manuscript prepared at college.
It is vilely written, in the preposterous Euphuism of the moment;
the style is founded on Lyly, the manner is the manner of Greene, and
Whetstone in his moral "Mirrors" and "Heptamerons" has supplied the
matter. The "absurdity" satirized in this jejune and tedious tract is
extravagant living of all kinds. The author attacks women with great
vehemence, but only in that temper which permitted the young Juvenals
of the hour to preach against wine and cards and stageplays with intense
zeal, while practising the worship of all these with equal ardour. "The
Anatomy of Absurdity" is a purely academic exercise, interesting only
because it shows, in the praise of Sidney and the passage in defence of
poetry, something of the intellectual aptitude of the youthful writer.

In the same year, and a little earlier, Nash published an address "to
the gentlemen students of both universities," as a preface to a romance
by Greene. Bibliographers describe a supposititious "Menaphon" of 1587,
which nobody has ever seen; even if such an edition existed, it is
certain that Nash's address was not prefixed to it, for the style
is greatly in advance of his boyish writing of that year. It is an
interesting document, enthusiastic and gay in a manner hardly to be met
with again in its author, and diversified with graceful praise of St
John's College, defence of good poetry, and wholesome ridicule of those
who were trying to introduce the "Thrasonical huffsnuff" style of which
Phaer and Stanihurst were the prophets.

Still in 1589, but later in the year, Nash is believed to have thrown
himself into that extraordinary clash of theological weapons which is
celebrated as the Martin Marprelate Controversy. As is well known, this
pamphlet war grew out of the passionate resentment felt by the Puritans
against the tyrannical acts of Whitgift and the Bishops. The actual
controversy has been traced back to a defence of the establishment of
the Church, by the Dean of Sarum, on the one hand, and a treatise by
John Penry the Puritan, on the other, both published in 1587. In 1588
followed the violent Puritan libel, called "Martin Marprelate," secretly
printed, and written, perhaps, by a lawyer named Barrow. Towards the
close of the dispute several of the literary wits dashed in upon the
prelatical side, and denounced the Martinists with exuberant high
spirits. Among these Nash was long thought to have held a very prominent
place, for the two most brilliant tracts of the entire controversy,
"Pap with an Hatchet," 1589, and "An Almond for a Parrot," 1590, were
confidently attributed to him. These are now, however, clearly perceived
to be the work of a much riper pen, that, namely, of Lyly.

It is probable that the four anonymous and privately printed tracts,
which Dr. Grosart has finally selected, do represent Nash's share in
the Marprelate Controversy, although in one of them, "Martin's Month's
Mind," I cannot say that I recognize his manner. The "Countercuff,"
published in August, 1589, from Gravesend, shows a great advance in
power. The academic Euphuism has been laid aside; images and trains of
thought are taken from life and experience instead of from books. In
"Pasquils Return," which belongs to October of the same year, the author
invents the happy word "Pruritans" to annoy his enemy, and speaks,
probably in his own name, but perhaps in that of Pasquil, of a visit
to Antwerp. "Martin's Month's Mind," which is a crazy piece of fustian,
belongs to December, 1589, while the fourth tract, "Pasquil's Apology,"
appeared so late as July, 1590. The smart and active pen which
skirmishes in these pamphlets adds nothing serious to the consideration
of the tragical controversy in which it so lightly took part. It amused
and trained Nash to write these satires, but they left Udall none the
worse and the Bishops none the better. The author repeatedly promises to
rehearse the arguments on both sides and sum up the entire controversy
in a "May-Game of Martinism," of which we hear no more.

During the first twelve months of Nash's residence in London he
was pretty busily employed. It is just conceivable that six small
publications may have brought in money enough to support him. But after
this we perceive no obvious source of income for some considerable
time. How the son of a poor Suffolk minister contrived to live in
London throughout the years 1590 and 1591, it is difficult to imagine.
Certainly not on the proceeds of a single pamphlet. It is not credible
that Nash published much that has not come down to us. Perhaps a tract
here and there may have been lost.{1} He probably subsisted by hanging
on to the outskirts of education. Perhaps he taught pupils, more likely
still he wrote letters. We know, afterall, too little of the manners of
the age to venture on a reply to the question which constantly imposes
itself, How did the minor Elizabethan man of letters earn a livelihood?
In the case of Nash, I would hazard the conjecture, which is borne out,
I think, by several allusions in his writings, that he was a reader to
the press, connected, perhaps, with the Queen's printers, or with those
under the special protection of the Bishops.

     1 One long narrative poem, the very name of which is too
     coarse to quote, was, according to Oldys, certainly
     published; but of this no printed copy is known to exist.
     John Davies of Hereford says that "good men tore that
     pamphlet to pieces." I owe to the kindness of Mr. A. H.
     Bullen the inspection of a transtript of a very corrupt
     manuscript of this work.

His only production in 1591, so far as we know, was the insignificant
tract called "A Wonderful Astrological Prognostication," by "Adam
Fouleweather." This has been hastily treated as a defence of "the
dishonoured memory" of Nash's dead friend Greene against Gabriel
Harvey. But Greene did not die till the end of 1592, and in the
"Prognostication" there is nothing about either Greene or Harvey. The
pamphlet is a quizzical satire on the almanac-makers, very much in the
spirit of Swift's Bickerstaff "Predictions" a hundred years later.
Of more importance was a preface contributed in this same year to Sir
Philip Sidney's posthumous "Astrophel and Stella." In this short essay
Nash reaches a higher level of eloquence than he had yet achieved, and,
in spite of its otiose redundancy, this enthusiastic eulogy of Sidney is
pleasant reading.

In 1592, doubtless prior to the death of Greene, Nash published the
earliest of his important books, the volume entitled "Pierce Penniless
his Supplication to the Devil." This is a grotesque satire on the vices
and the eccentricities of the age. As a specimen of prose style it is
remarkable for its spirit and "go," qualities which may enable us to
forget how turbid, ungraceful, and harsh it is. Nash had now dropped
the mannerism of the Euphuists; he had hardly gained a style of his
own. "Pierce Penniless," with its chains of "letter-leaping metaphors,"
rattles breathlessly on, and at length abruptly ceases. Any sense of
the artistic fashioning of a sentence, or of the relative harmony of the
parts of a composition, was not yet dreamed of. But before we condemn
the muddy turbulence of the author, we must recollect that nothing
had then been published of Hooker, Raleigh, or Bacon in the pedestrian
manner. Genuine English prose had begun to exist indeed, but had not
yet been revealed to the world. Nash, as a lively portrait-painter in
grotesque, at this time, is seen at his best in such a caricature as
this, scourging "the pride of the Dane":--

"The most gross and senseless proud dolts are the Danes, who stand so
much upon their unwieldy burly-boned soldiery, that they account of
no man that hath not a battle-axe at his girdle to hough dogs with, or
wears not a cock's feather in a thrummed hat like a cavalier. Briefly,
he is the best fool braggart under heaven. For besides nature hath lent
him a flab-berkin face, like one of the four winds, and cheeks that sag
like a woman's dug over his chinbone, his apparel is so stuffed up with
bladders of taffaty, and his back like beef stuffed with parsley, so
drawn out with ribbands and devises, and blistered with light sarcenet
bastings, that you would think him nothing but a swarm of butterflies,
if you saw him afar off."

On the 3rd of September, 1592, Greene came to his miserable end, having
sent to the press from his deathbed those two remarkable pamphlets, the
"Groatsworth of Wit" and the "Repentance." For two years past, if we may
believe Nash, the profligate atheism of the elder poet had estranged his
friend, or at all events had kept him at a distance. But a feeling of
common loyalty, and the anger which a true man of letters feels when a
genuine poet is traduced by a pedant, led Nash to take up a very strong
position as a defender of the reputation of Greene. Gabriel Harvey,
although the friend of Spenser, is a personage who fills an odious place
in the literary history of the last years of Elizabeth. He was a scholar
and a university man of considerable attainments, but he was wholly
without taste, and he concentrated into vinegar a temper which must
always have had a tendency to be sour. In particular, he loathed the
school of young writers who had become famous in direct opposition to
the literary laws which he had laid down.

Harvey's wrath had found a definite excuse in the tract, called "A Quip
for an upstart Courtier, or a quaint dispute between Velvet-Breeches
and Cloth-Breeches," which Greene had published early in the year
1592. Accordingly, when he heard of Greene's death, he hastened to his
lodgings, interviewed his landlady, collected scurrilous details, and,
with matchless bad taste, issued, before the month was over, his "Four
Letters," a pamphlet in which he trampled upon the memory of Greene. In
the latest of his public utterances, Greene had made an appeal to three
friends, who, though not actually named, are understood to have been
Marlowe, Peele, and Nash.

Of these, the last was the one with the readiest pen, and the task of
punishing Harvey fell upon him.

Nash's first attack on Harvey took the form of a small volume, entitled,
"Strange News of the Intercepting of Certain Letters," published
very early in 1593. It was a close confutation of the charges made in
Harvey's "Four Letters," the vulgarity and insolence of the pedant
being pressed home with an insistence which must have been particularly
galling to him as coming from a distinguished man of his own university,
twenty years his junior. Harvey retorted with the heavy artillery of his
"Pierce's Supererogation," which was mainly directed against Nash, whom
the disappearance of Peele, and the sudden death of Marlowe in June, had
left without any very intimate friend as a supporter. Nash retired,
for the moment, from the controversy, and in the prefatory epistle to a
remarkable work, the most bulky of all his books, "Christ's Tears over
Jerusalem," he waved the white flag. He bade, he declared, "a hundred
unfortunate farewells to fantastical satirism," and complimented his
late antagonist on his "abundant scholarship." Harvey took no notice of
this, and for four years their mutual animosity slumbered. In this same
year, 1593, Nash produced the only play which has come down to us
as wholly composed by him, the comedy of "Summer's Last Will and
Testament."

Meanwhile "Pierce Penniless" had enjoyed a remarkable success, and had
placed Nash in a prominent position among London men of letters. We
learn that in 1596, four years after its original publication, it had
run through six editions, besides being translated in 1594 into French,
and, a little later, into Macaronic Latin. In "Christ's Tears" the young
writer, conscious of his new importance, deals with what the critics
have said about his style. He tells us, and we cannot wonder at it, that
objections have been made to "my boisterous compound words, and ending
my Italianate coined verbs all in _ize_." His defence is not unlike
that of De Quincey; we can imagine his asking, when urged to be simple,
whether simplicity be in place in a description of Belshazzar's Feast He
says that the Saxon monosyllables that swarm in the English tongue are a
scandal to it, and that he is only turning this cheap silver trash into
fine gold coinage. Books, he says, written in plain English, "seem
like shopkeepers' boxes, that contain nothing else save halfpence,
three-farthings, and two-pences." To show what sort of doubloons he
proposes to mint for English pockets, we need go no further than the
opening phrases of his dedication of this very book to that amiable
poet, the Lady Elizabeth Carey:--

"Excellent accomplished court-glorifying Lady, give me leave, with the
sportive sea-porpoises, preludiately a little to play before the storm
of my tears, to make my prayer before I proceed to my sacrifice. Lo, for
an oblation to the rich burnished shrine of your virtue, a handful of
Jerusalem's mummianized earth, in a few sheets of waste paper enwrapped,
I here, humiliate, offer up at your feet."

These, however, in spite of the odd neologisms, are sentences formed in
a novel and a greatly improved manner, and the improvement is sustained
throughout this curious volume. Probably the intimate study of the
Authorized Version of the Bible, which this semi-theological tractate
necessitated, had much to do with the clarification of the author's
style. At all events, from this time forth, Nash drops, except in
polemical passages where his design is provocative, that irritating
harshness in volubility which had hitherto marked his manner of writing.
Here, for example, is a passage from "Christ's Tears" which is not
without a strangely impressive melody:--

"Over the Temple, at the solemn feast of the Passover, was seen a comet
most coruscant, streamed and tailed forth, with glistering naked swords,
which in his mouth, as a man in his hand all at once, he made semblance
as if he shaked and vambrashed. Seven days it continued; all which time,
the Temple was as clear and light in the night as it had been noonday.
In the Sanctum Sanctorum was heard clashing and hewing of armour, while
flocks of ravens, with a fearful croaking cry, beat, fluttered and
clashed against the windows. A hideous dismal owl, exceeding all her
kind in deformity and quantity, in the Temple-porch built her nest. From
under the altar there issued penetrating plangorous howlings and ghastly
deadmen's groans."

He tells us, in the preface, that he takes an autumnal air, and in truth
there is a melancholy refinement in this volume which we may seek for
in vain elsewhere in Nash's writings. The greater part of the book is
a "collachrimate oration" over Jerusalem, placed in the mouth of our
Saviour; by degrees the veil of Jerusalem grows thinner and thinner,
and we see more and more clearly through it the London of Elizabeth,
denounced by a pensive and not, this time, a turbulent satirist.

In 1594 Nash's pen was particularly active. It was to the Lady Elizabeth
Carey, again, that he dedicated "The Terrors of the Night," a discourse
on apparitions. He describes some very agreeable ghosts, as, for
instance, those which appeared to a gentleman, a friend of the author's,
in the guise of "an inveigling troop of naked virgins, whose odoriferous
breath more perfumed the air than ordnance would that is charged with
amomum, musk, civet and ambergreece." It was surely a mock-modesty which
led Nash to fear that such ghost-stories as these would appear to his
readers duller than Holland cheese and more tiresome than homespun. To
1594, too, belongs the tragedy of "Dido," probably left incomplete by
Marlowe, and finished by Nash, who shows himself here an adept in
that swelling bombast of bragging blank verse of which he affected to
disapprove. A new edition of "Christ's Tears" also belongs to this busy
year 1594, which however is mainly interesting to us as having seen the
publication of the work which we are here introducing to modern readers.

An eminent French critic, M. Jusserand, whose knowledge of English
sixteenth-century literature is unsurpassed, was the first to draw
attention to the singular interest which attaches to "The Unfortunate
Traveller, or the Life of Jack Wilton," 1594. In his treatise, "Le Roman
au Temps de Shakespeare," 1887, M. Jusserand insisted upon the fact
that this neglected book was the best specimen of the _picaresque_ tale
written in English before the days of Defoe. He shows that expressions
put in the mouth of Nash's hero, which had been carelessly treated as
autobiographical confessions of foreign travel and the like, on the part
of the author, were but features of a carefully planned fiction. "Jack
Wilton" describes the career of an adventurer, from his early youth as
a page in the royal camp of Henry VIII. at the siege of Tournay, to his
attainment of wealth, position, and a beautiful Italian wife.

The first exploit of the page is an encounter with a fraudulent
innkeeper, which is described with great spirit, and M. Jusserand
has ingeniously surmised that Shakespeare, after reading these pages,
determined to fuse the two characters, mine host and the waggish
picaroon, into the single immortal figure of Falstaff. After this point
in the tale, it is probable that the reader may find the interest of
the story flag; but his attention will be reawakened when he reaches
the episode of the Earl of Surrey and Fair Geraldine, and that in
which Jack, pretending to be Surrey, runs off with his sweet Venetian
mistress, Diamante. It will be for the reader of the ensuing pages to
say whether Nash had mastered the art of narrative quite so perfectly
as M. Jusserand, in his just pride as a discoverer, seems to think. The
romance, no doubt, is incoherent and languid at times, and is easily led
aside into channels of gorgeous description and vain moral reflection.

It will doubtless be of interest, at this point, to quote the words
in which, in a later volume, M. Jusserand has reiterated his praise of
"Jack Wilton" and his belief in Nash as the founder of the British novel
of character:--

"In the works of Nash and his imitators, the different parts are badly
dovetailed; the novelist is incoherent and incomplete; the fault lies in
some degree with the picaresque form itself. Nash, however, pointed out
the right road, the road that was to lead to the true novel. He was
the first among his compatriots to endeavour to relate in prose a
long-sustained story, having for its chief concern: the truth.... No
one, Ben Jonson excepted, possessed at that epoch, in so great a degree
as himself, a love of the honest truth. With Nash, then, the novel of
real life, whose invention in England is generally attributed to Defoe,
begins. To connect Defoe with the past of English literature, we must
get over the whole of the seventeenth century, and go back to 'Jack
Wilton,' the worthy brother of 'Roxana,' 'Moll Flanders,' and 'Colonel
Jack.'"

It is to be regretted that Nash made no second adventure in pure
fiction. "Jack Wilton," now one of the rarest of his books, was never
reprinted in its own age.

How Nash was employed during the next two years, it is not easy to
conjecture. When we meet with him once more, the smouldering fire of his
quarrel with the Harveys had burst again into flame. "Have with you to
Saffron Walden," 1596, is devoted to the chastisement of "the reprobate
brace of brothers, to wit, witless Gabriel and ruffling Richard." No
fresh public outburst on Harvey's part seems to have led to this
attack; but he bragged in private that he had silenced his licentious
antagonists. Nash admits that his opponent's last book "has been kept
idle by me, in a bye-settle out of sight amongst old shoes and boots
almost this two year." Harvey was known to have come from Saffron
Walden; Nash invites his readers to accompany him to that town to see
what they can discover, and he retails a good deal of lively scandal
about the rope-maker's sons. "Have with you" is perhaps the smartest and
is certainly the most readable of Nash's controversial volumes. It gives
us, too, some interesting fragments of autobiography. Harvey had accused
him of "prostituting his pen like a courtisan," and Nash makes this
curious and not very lucid statement in selfdefence:--

"Neither will I deny it nor will I grant it. Only thus far I'll go with
you, that twice or thrice in a month, when _res est angusta domi_, the
bottom of my purse is turned downward, and my conduit of ink will no
longer flow for want of reparations, I am fain to let my plough stand
still in the midst of a furrow, and follow some of these newfangled
Galiardos and Senior Fantasticos, to whose amorous _villanellas_ and
_quipassas_, I prostitute my pen in hope of gain.... Many a fair day ago
have I proclaimed myself to the world Piers Penniless."

Gabriel Harvey must have felt, on reading "Have with you to Saffron
Walden," that his antagonist was right in saying that his pen carried
"the hot shot of a musket." Unfortunately, while Harvey was smarting
under these insulting gibes and jests, the jester himself got into
public trouble. Little is known of the circumstance which led the
Queen's Privy Council, in the summer of 1597, to throw Nash into the
Fleet Prison, but it was connected with the performance of a comedy
called "The Isle of Dogs," which gave offence to the authorities. This
play was not printed, and is no longer in existence. The Lord Admiral's
Company of actors, which produced it, had its licence withdrawn until
the 27th of August, when Nash was probably liberated. Gabriel Harvey was
not the man to allow this event to go unnoticed. He hurried into
print with his "Trimming of Thomas Nash," 1597, a pamphlet of the most
outrageous abuse addressed "to the polypragmatical, parasitupocritical
and pantophainoudendecontical puppy Thomas Nash," and adorned with a
portrait of that gentleman in irons, with heavy gyves upon his ankles.
According to Nash, however, the part of "The Isle of Dogs" which was
his composition was so trifling in extent that his imprisonment was
a gratuitous act of oppression. How the play with this pleasing title
offended has not been handed down to us.

Nash was now a literary celebrity, and yet it is at this precise moment
that his figure begins to fade out of sight For the next two years he is
not known to have made any public appearance. In 1599 he published the
best of all his books; it was unfortunately the latest "Nash's Lenten
Stuff; or, the Praise of the Red Herring" is an encomium on the
hospitable town of Yarmouth, to which, in the autumn of 1597, he had
fled for consolation, and in which, through six happy weeks, he had
found what he sought The "kind entertainment and benign hospitality"
of the compassionate clime of Yarmouth deserve from the poor exile a
cordial return, and, accordingly, he sings the praise of the Red Herring
as richly as if his mouth were still tingling with the delicate bloater.
In this book, Nash is kind enough to explain to us the cause of some of
the peculiarities of his style. His endeavour has been to be Italianate,
and "of all styles I most affect and strive to imitate Aretine's."

Whether he was deeply read in the works of _il divino Aretino_, we may
doubt; but it is easy to see that this Scourge of Princes, the very type
of the emancipated Italian of the sixteenth century, might have a vague
and dazzling attraction for his little eager English imitator.

Be that as it may, "Lenten Stuff" gives us evidence that Nash had now
arrived at a complete mastery of the fantastic and irrelevant manner
which he aimed at. This book is admirably composed, if we can bring
ourselves to admit that the _genre_ is ever admirable. The writer's
vocabulary has become opulent, his phrases flash and detonate, each
page is full of unconnected sparks and electrical discharges. A sort
of aurora borealis of wit streams and rustles across the dusky surface,
amusing to the reader, but discontinuous, and insufficient to illuminate
the matter in hand. It is extraordinary that a man can make so many
picturesque, striking, and apparently apposite remarks, and yet leave us
so frequently in doubt as to his meaning. If this was the result of the
imitation of Aretino, Nash's choice of a master was scarcely a fortunate
one.

Thomas Nash was now thirty-two years of age, and with the publication of
"Lenten Stuff" we lose sight of him. His old play of "Summers' Last Will
and Testament" was printed in 1600, and he probably died in that year.
The song at the close of that comedy or masque reads like the swan-song
of its author:--

     Autumn hath all the summer's fruitful treasure;
     Gone is our sport, fled is poor [Nash's] pleasure!
     Short days, sharp days, long nights come on apace;

     Ah! who shall hide us from the winter's face?
     Cold doth increase, the sickness will not cease,
     And here we lie, God knows, with little ease:

     From winter, plague and pestilence,
     Good Lord, deliver us!

     London doth mourn, Lambeth is quite forlorn,
     Trades cry, Woe worth that ever they were born;
     The want of term is town and city's harm.

     Close chambers we do want, to keep us warm;
     Long banished must we live from our friends:
     This low-built house will bring us to our ends.

     From winter, plague and pestilence,
     Good Lord, deliver us!

Whether pestilence or winter slew him, we do not know. In 1601
Fitzgeoffrey published a short Latin elegy on Nash in his "Affaniae,"
alluding in happy phrase to the twin lightnings of his armed tongue
and his terrible pen; and Nash had six lines of tempered praise in "The
Return from Parnassus." But all we know of the cause or manner of Nash's
death has to be collected from a passage in "A Knight's Conjuring,"
1607, written by the satirist on whom his mantle descended, Thomas
Dekker. Nash is seen advancing along the Elysian Fields:--

"Marlowe, Greene, and Peele had got under the shades of a large vine,
laughing to see Nash, that was but newly come to their college, still
haunted with the sharp and satirical spirit that followed him here
upon earth; for Nash inveighed bitterly, as he had wont to do, against
dry-fisted patrons, accusing them of his untimely death, because if they
had given his Muse that cherishment which she most worthily deserved, he
had fed to his dying day on fat capons, burnt sack and sugar, and not
so desperately have ventured his life and shortened his days by keeping
company with pickle herrings."

This looks as though Nash died of a disease attributed to coarse and
unwholesome cheap food. His fame proved to be singularly ephemeral. So
far as I am aware, no book of his was reprinted after his death, with
the single exception of "Christ's Tears over Jerusalem," which was
issued again in 1613. His name was mentioned and some interest in his
writings was awakened at the close of the next century by Winstanley and
by Langbaine, but Oldys, the celebrated antiquary, was the first person
who seriously endeavoured to trace the incidents of his life.

Dr. A. B. Grosart saved the works of Nash from all danger of destruction
by printing an issue of them, in six volumes, for fifty private
subscribers, in 1883-85. But he still remains completely inaccessible to
the general reader.

Edmund Gosse.




THE VNFORTVNATE TRAVELLER.

The Life of Iacke Wilton.


LONDON.

[Illustration: Dedication]


To THE RIGHT HONORABLE LORD Henrie Wriothsley,

Earle of sovthhampton,
and baron OF TICHFEELD.

Ingenvovs honorable Lord, I know not what blinde custome methodicall
antiquity hath thrust vpon vs, to dedicate such books as we publish,
to one great man or other; In which respect, least anie man should
challenge these my papers as goods vncustomd, and so, extend vpon them
as forfeite to contempt, to the seale of your excellent censure loe here
I present them to bee seene and allowed. Prize them as high or as low as
you list: if you set anie price on them, I hold my labor well satisfide.
Long haue I desired to approoue my wit vnto you. My reuerent duetifull
thoughts (euen from their infancie) haue been retayners to your glorie.
Now at last I haue enforst an opportunitie to plead my deuoted
minde. All that in this phantasticall Treatise I can promise, is some
reasonable conueyance of historie, & varietie of mirth. By diuers of my
good frends haue I been dealt with to employ my dul pen in this kinde,
it being a cleane different vaine from other my former courses of
writing. How wel or ill I haue done in it, I am ignorant: (the eye that
sees roundabout it selfe, sees not into it selfe): only your
Honours applauding encouragement hath power to make mee arrogant.
Incomprehensible is the heigth of your spirit both in heroical
resolution and matters of conceit. Vnrepriueably perisheth that booke
whatsoeuer to wast paper, which on the diamond rocke of your iudgement
disasterly chanceth to be shipwrackt. A dere louer and cherisher you
are, as well of the louers of Poets, as of Poets themselues. Amongst
their sacred number I dare not ascribe my selfe, though now and then
I speak English: that smal braine I haue, to no further vse I conuert,
saue to be kinde to my frends, and fatall to my enemies. A new brain, a
new wit, a new stile, a new soule will I get mee, to canonize your
name to posteritie, if in this my first attempt I be not taxed of
presumption. Of your gracious fauor I despaire not, for I am not
altogether Fames outcast. This handfull of leaues I offer to your
view, to the leaues on trees I compare, which as they cannot grow of
themselues except they haue some branches or boughes to cleaue too,
& with whose iuice and sap they be euermore recreated & nourisht: so
except these vnpolisht leaues of mine haue some braunch of Nobilitie
whereon to depend and cleaue, and with the vigorous nutriment of whose
authorized commendation they may be continually fosterd and refresht,
neuer wil they grow to the worlds good liking, but forthwith fade
and die on the first houre of their birth. Your Lordship is the large
spreading branch of renown, from whence these my idle leaues seeke to
deriue their whole nourishing: it resteth you either scornfully shake
them off, as wormeaten & worthies, or in pity preserue them and cherish
them, for some litle summer frute you hope to finde amongst them.

Your Honors in all humble seruice: Tho: Nashe.




TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS,

Gentlemen, in my absence (through the Printers ouersight and my bad
writing) in the leaues of C. and D. these errours are ouerslipt:

C. pag. 2. lin. 33. for sweating read sneaking. Pag. 3. li. 1. for
hogges read barres, lin. 7. for Calipsus, read Rhæsus. Pag. 4. lin. 34.
for Liue read I liue. Pag. 5. li. 14. for vpon his read vpon him his.
Pag. 7. lin. 13. for drild read dyu'd. lin. 22. (for colour, read collar
nor his hatband).

D. Pag. 1. lin. 2. for blacke read cape. lin. 5. for fastens read
thirleth. lin. 7. for badge read budge, lin. 8. for shinne read chinne.
lin. 11. for in this begun read thinking in. Pag. 3. lin. 33. for
increased then read inclosed them. Pag. 5. lin. 8. for threed button,
read brest like a thred bottom. Pag. 8. lin. 3. for Essa read Ossa. lin.
4. for dissolution read desolation. lin. 13. betweene also, and but read
If you know Christianitie, you know the Fathers of the Church also. lin.
18. for quocunque read qua gente.

Other literall faults there are which I omit

Yours T. N.


[Note.--The foregoing corrigenda are printed as part of the original
edition, though they have been corrected in the text.]

[Illustration: To Pages of the Covrt]




THE INDVCTION TO THE DAPPER MOVNSIER PAGES OF THE COVRT.

Gallant squires, haue amongst you: at mumchance I meane not, for so I
might chaunce come to short commons, but at _nouus, noua, nouum_, which
is in English, newes of the maker. A proper fellow Page of yours called
_Iacke Wilton_, by mee commends him vnto you, and hath bequeathed for
wast paper heere amongst you certaine pages of his misfortunes. In any
case keep them preciously as a _Priuie_ token of his good will towards
you. If there be some better than other, he craues you would honor them
in their death so much, as to drie and kindle _Tobacco_ with them: for
a need he permits you to wrap veluet pantofles in them also, so they be
not woe begone at the heeles, or weather-beaten like a blacke head with
graye haires, or mangie at the toes like an ape about the mouth. But
as you loue good fellowship and ames ace, rather turne them to stop
mustard-pots, than the Grocers shuld haue one patch of them to wrap mace
in: a strong hot costly spice it is, which aboue all things hee hates.
To anie vse about meate or drinke put them too and spare not, for they
cannot doo their Countrey better seruice. Printers are madde whoresons,
allow them some of them for napkins. lost a little nerer to the matter
and the purpose. _Memorandum_, euerie one of you after the perusing of
this Pamphlet, is to prouide him a case of ponyards, that if you come in
companie with any man which shall dispraise it or speake against it, you
may straight cry Sic respondeo, and giue him the stockado. It stands not
with your honors (I assure yee) to haue a Gentleman and a Page abusde in
his absence. Secondly, whereas you were wont to sweare men on a pantofle
to bee true to your puissaunt order, you shall sweeare them on nothing
but this Chronicle of the King of Pages henceforward. Thirdly, it shalbe
lawfull for anie whatsoeuer to play with false dice in a corner on the
couer of this foresaid Acts and monuments. None of the fraternitie of
the minorites shall refuse it for a pawne in the times of famine and
necessitie. Euery Stationers stall they passe by whether by day or by
night they shall put off their hats too, and make a low leg, in regard
their grand printed Capitano is there entoombd. It shalbe flat treason
for any of this forementioned catalogue of the point trussers, once
to name him within fortie foote of an ale-house. Marry the tauerne
is honorable. Many speciall graue articles more had I to giue you in
charge, which your wisdomes waiting together at the bottome of the great
Chamber staires, or sitting in a porch (your parlament house) may better
consider of than I can deliuer: onely let this suffice for a tast to the
text & a bit to pull on a good wit with, as a rasher on the coales is
to pull on a cup of wine. Heigh passe, come aloft: euery man of you take
your places, and heare _Iacke Wilton_ tell his owne tale.

[Illustration: Titlepage2]

[Illustration: First Page]


THE VNFORTVNATE TRAVELLER.

Abovt that time that the terror of the world, and feauer quartan of
the French, _Henrie_ the eight, (the onely true subiect of Chronicles)
aduanced his standard against the two hundred and fiftie towers of
_Turney_ and _Turwin_, and had the Empereur and all the nobility of
Flanders, Holland, and Brabant as mercenarie attendants on his fulsailed
fortune, I _Jacke Wilton_ (a Gentleman at lest) was a certaine kinde of
an appendix or page, belonging or appertaining in or vnto the confines
of the English court, where what my credit was, a number of my creditors
that I coosned can testifie, _Cælum petimus stultitia_, which of vs all
is not a sinner. Be it knowen to as many as will paie monie inough to
peruse my storie, that I followed the campe or the court, or the court &
the camp, when _Turwin_ lost her maidenhead, & opened her gates to more
than _Iane Trosse_ did. There did I (soft let me drinke before I goe
anie further) raigne sole king of the cans and black iackes, prince
of the pigmeis, countie paltaine of cleane strawe and prouant, and to
conclude, Lord high regent of rashers of the coles and red herring cobs.
_Paulo maiora canamus_: well, to the purpose. What stratagemicall actes
and monuments do you thinke an ingenious infant of my age might enact?
you will saie, it were sufficient if he slurre a die, pawne his master
to the vtmost pennie, & minister the oath on the pantoffle arteficially.
These are signes of good education, I must confesse, and arguments of
In grace and vertue to proceed. Oh but _Aliquid latet quod non patet_,
theres a farther path I must trace: examples confirme, list Lordings
to my proceedinges. Whosoeuer is acquainted with the state of a campe,
vnderstands that in it be many quarters, & yet not so many as on London
bridge. In those quarters are many companies: Much companie, much
knauerie, as true as that olde adage, Much curtesie, much subtiltie.
Those companies, like a great deale of corne, doe yeeld some chaffe, the
corne are cormorants, the chaffe are good fellowes, which are quickly
blowen to nothing, with bearing a light hart in a light purse. Amongst
this chaffe was I winnowing my wits to liue merily, and by my troth so I
did: the prince could but command men spend theyr bloud in his seruice,
I coulde make them spend all the monie they had for my pleasure. But
pouerty in the end parts frends, though I was prince of their purses,
and exacted of my vnthrift subiects, as much liquid allégeance as anie
keisar in the world could do, yet where it is not to be had the king
must loose his right, want cannot be withstood, men can doe no more than
they can doe, what remained then, but the foxes case must help, when the
lions skin is out at the elbowes.

There was a Lord in the campe, let him be a Lord of misrule, if you wil,
for he kept a plaine alehouse without welt or gard of anie Iuibush, and
solde syder and cheese by pint and by pound to all that came (at that
verie name of syder, I can but sigh, there is so much of it in renish
wine now a dayes). Wei, _Tendit ad sydera virtus_, thers great vertue
belongs (I can tell you) to a cup of syder, and verie good men haue
solde it, and at sea it is _Aqua colestis_, but thats neither heere
nor there, if it had no other patrone but this peere of quart pots to
authorize it, it were sufficient This great Lorde, this worthie Lord,
this noble Lord, thought no scorne (Lord haue mercy vpon vs) to haue his
great veluet breeches larded with the droppings of this daintie liquor,
& yet he was an olde senator, a cauelier of an ancient house, as it
might appeare by the armes of his ancestrie, drawen very amiably in
chalke, on the in side of his tent doore.

He and no other was the man, I chose out to damne with a lewd monylesse
deuice: for comming to him on a daie, as he was counting his barrels, &
setting the price in chalke on the head of euerie one of them, I did my
dutie verie deuoutly, and tolde his _alie_ honor, I had matters of
some secrecie to impart vnto him, if it pleased him to grant me priuate
audience. With me young _Wilton_ quoth he, marie and shalt: bring vs a
pint of syder of a fresh tap into the three cups here, wash the pot, so
into a backe roome he lead mee, where after hee had spit on his finger,
and pickt off two or three moats of his olde moth eaten veluet cap, and
spunged and wrong all the rumatike driuell from his ill fauoured Goates
beard, he badde me declare my minde, and there vpon he dranke to me on
the same. I vp with a long circumstance, alias, a cunning shift of the
seuenteenes, & discourst vnto him what entire affection I had borne him
time out of mind, partly for the high discent and linage from whence
he sprung, & partly for the tender care and prouident respect he had of
poore soldiers, that whereas the vastitie of that place (which afforded
them no indifferent supplie of drinke or of victuals) might humble them
to some extremity, and so weaken their hands, he vouchsafed in his own
person to be a victualer to the campe (a rare example of magnificence &
honorable curtesie) and diligently prouided, that without farre trauel,
euery man might for his money haue syder and cheese his bellyfull, nor
did he sell his cheese by the way onely, or his syder by the great, but
abast himselfe with his owne hands, to take a shoomakers knife (a homely
instrument for such a high personage to touch) and cut it out equally
like a true iusticiarie, in little pennyworthes, that it woulde doo a
man good for to looke vpon. So likewise of his syder, the pore man might
haue his moderate draught of it (as there is a moderation in all things)
as well for his doit or his dandiprat, as the rich man for his halfe
souse or his denier. Not so much, quoth I, but this tapsters linnen
apron, which you weare before you, to protect your appareil from the
imperfections of the spigot, most amply bewrais your lowly minde. I
speake it with teares, too fewe such humble spirited noble men haue we,
that will draw drinke in linen aprons. Why you are euerie childs felow,
any man that comes vnder the name of a souldier and a goodfellowe, you
will sitte and beare companie to the last pot, yea, and you take in
as good part the homely phrase of mine host heeres to you, as if one
saluted you by all the titles of your baronie. These considerations,
I saie, which the world suffers to slippe by in the channell of
carelesnes, haue moued me in ardent zeale of your welfare, to forewarne
you of some dangers that haue beset you & your barrels. At the name of
dangers hee start up, and bounst with his fist on the boord so hard,
that his Tapster ouerhearing him, cried anone anone sir, by and by, and
came and made a low leg and askt him what he lackt. Hee was readie to
haue striken his Tapster, for interrupting him in attention of this his
so much desired relation, but for feare of displeasing me he moderated
his furie, and onely sending him for the other fresh pint, wild him
looke to the barre, and come when hee is cald with a deuilles name.
Well, at his earnest importunitie, after I had moistned my lips, to make
my lie runne glib to his iourneies end, forward I went as followeth. It
chaunced me the other night, amongst other pages, to attend where the
king with his Lords, and many chiefe leaders sate in counsel, there
amongst sundrie serious matters that were debated, and intelligences
from the enemy giuen vp, it was priuily informed (no villains to these
priuie informers) that you, euen you that I now speak to, would I
had no tongue to tell the rest, by this drink it grieues me so I am not
able to repeate it. Nowe was my dronken Lord redie to hang himself for
the end of the ful point, and ouer my necke he throws himselfe verie
lubberly, and intreated me as I was a proper young Gentleman, and euer
lookt for pleasure at his hands, soone to rid him out of this hell of
suspence, & resolue him of the rest, then fell hee on his knees, wrong
his handes, and I thinke, on my conscience, wept out all the syder that
he had dronke in a weeke before, to moue me to haue pitie on him, he
rose and put his rustie ring on my finger, gaue me his greasie purse
with that single money that was in it, promised to make mee his heire,
& a thousand more fauours, if I would expire the miserie of his
vnspeakable tormenting vncertaintie. I being by nature inclined to
_Mercie_ (for indeed I knew two or three good wenches of that name) bad
him harden his eares, & not make his eyes abortiue before their time,
and he should haue the inside of my brest turnd outward, heare such a
tale as would tempt the vtmost strength of life to attend it, and not
die in the middest of it. Why (quoth I) my selfe, that am but a poore
childish welwiller of yours, with the verie thought, that a man of
your desert and state, by a number of pesants and varlets should be so
iniuriously abused in hugger mugger, haue wept al my vrine vpward. The
wheele vnder our Citie bridge, carries not so much water ouer the city,
as my braine hath welled forth gushing streames of sorow. I haue wept so
immoderatly and lauishly, that I thought verily my palat had bin turned
to pissing conduit in London. My eies haue bin dronk, outragiously
dronke, with giuing but ordinary entercourse through their sea-circled
Hands to my distilling dreariment What shal I saie? that which malice
hath sayde is the meere ouerthrow & murder of your daies. Change not
your colour, none can slander a cleere conscience to it selfe, receiue
all your fraught of misfortune in at once.

It is buzzed in the kings head that you are a secret friend to the
enemy, & vnder pretence of getting a license to furnish the campe with
syder and such like prouant, you haue furnisht the enemy, and in emptie
barrells sent letters of discouerie, and come innumerable, I might well
haue left here, for by this time his white liuer had mixt it selfe
with the white of his eie, & both were turned vpwardes, as if they had
offered themselues a fayre white for death to shoote at. The troth was,
I was verie loth mine hoste and I should parte to heauen with dry lips,
wherefore the best meanes that I could imagine to wake him out of his
traunce, was to crie loude in his eare, hough host, whats to pay, will
no man looke to the reckning heere and in plaine veritie, it tooke
expected effect, for with the noise he started and bustled, like a man
that had beene scard with fyre out of his sleepe, and ranne hastily
to his Tapster, and all to belaboured him about the eares, for letting
Gentlemen call so long and not looke in to them. Presently he remembred
himselfe, and had like to haue fallen into his memento againe, But that
I met him halfe waies, and askt his Lordship what he meant to slip
his necke out of the coller so sodainly, and being reuiued, strike his
tapster so rashly.

Oh, quoth he, I am bought & solde for doing my Country such good seruice
as I haue done. They are afraid of mee, because my good deedes haue
brought me into such estimation with the communalty, I see, I see it is
not for the lambe to liue with the wolfe.

The world is well amended, thought I, with your Sidership, such another
fortie yeeres nappe together as _Epemenides_ had, would make you a
perfect wise man. Answere me, quoth he, my wise young _Wilton_, is it
true that I am thus vnderhand dead and buried by these bad tongues?

Nay, quoth I, you shall pardon me, for I haue spoken too much alreadie,
no definitiue sentence of death shall march out of my wel meaning lips,
they haue but lately suckt milke, and shall they so sodainly change
theyr food and seeke after bloud?

Oh but, quoth he, a mans friend is his friend, fill the other pint
Tapster, what sayd the king, did hee beleeue it when hee heard it, I
pray thee say, I sweare to thee by my nobility, none in the worlde shall
euer be made priuie, that I receiued anie light of this matter from
thee.

That firme affiance, quoth I, had I in you before, or else I would neuer
haue gone so farre ouer the shooes, to plucke you out of the mire. Not
to make many wordes (since you will needs know) the king saies flatly,
you are a miser & a snudge, and he neuer hopt better of you. Nay then
(quoth he) questionlesse some planet that loues not syder hath conspired
against me. Moreouer, which is worse, the king hath vowed to giue
_Turwin_ one hot breakfast, onely with the bungs that hee will plucke
out of your barrells. I cannot staie at this time to reporte each
circumstance that passed, but the only counsell that my long cherished
kinde inclination can possibly contriue, is now in your olde daies to be
liberall, such victuals or prouisions as you haue, presently distribute
it frankly amongst poore souldiers, I would let them burst their bellies
with syder, and bathe in it, before I would runne into my Princes ill
opinion for a whole sea of it. The hunter pursuing the beauer for his
stones, hee bites them off, and leaues them behinde for him to gather
vp, whereby he liues quiet. If greedie hunters and hungry teltales
pursue you, it is for a little pelfe which you haue, cast it behind you,
neglect it, let them haue it, lest it breed a further inconuenience.
Credit my aduice, you shall finde it propheticall, and thus I haue
discharged the parte of a poore friend. With some few like phrases of
ceremonie, your honors suppliant, & so forth, and farewel my good youth,
I thanke thee and will remember thee, we parted. But the next daie I
thinke we had a dole of syder, syder in boules, in scuppets, in helmets,
& to conclude, if a man would haue fild his bootes full, there hee
might haue had it, prouant thrust it selfe into poore souldiers pockets
whether they would or no. We made fiue peals of shot into the towne
together, of nothing but spiggots and faussets of discarded emptie
barrels: euerie vnderfoote soildiour had a distenanted tunne, as
_Diogenes_ had his tub to sleepe in, I my selfe got as many confiscated
Tapsters aprons, as made me a Tent, as bigge as any ordinarie commanders
in the field. But in conclusion, my welbeloued Baron of double beere got
him humbly on his marybones to the king, and complained hee was olde and
striken in yeres, and had nere an heire to cast at a dogge, wherefore if
it might please his maiesty to take his lands into his hands, and allowe
him some reasonable pension to liue on, hee shoulde bee meruailous wel
pleased: as for the warres, he was wearie of them, and yet as long as
highnes shoulde venture his owne person, hee would not flinch a foot,
but make his withered bodie a buckler, to beare off anie blow that
should be aduanced agaynst him.

The king meruailing at this strange alteration of his great marchant of
syder (for so hee woulde often pleasantly tearme him), with a little
further talke bolted out the whole complotment Then was I pittifully
whipt for my holy day lie, although they made themselues merrie with it
many a faire winters euening after.

Yet notwithstanding his good asseheaded honor mine host, perseuered in
his former simple request to the king to accept of the surrender of
his landes, and allowe him a beadsmanry or out-brother-ship of brachet,
which at length, through his vehement instancie tooke effect, and the
king ieastingly sayd, since he would needs haue it so, he would distrain
on part of his land for impost of syder, which hee was behinde hande
with him, and neuer payd.

This was one of my famous atchieuements, insomuch as I neuer light vpon
the like famous foole, but I haue done a thousand better ieasts if they
had bin bookt in order as they were begotten. It is pittie posteritie
shoulde bee depriued of such precious recordes, and yet there is no
remedie, and yet there is to, for when all fayles, welfare a good
memorie. Gentle readers (looke you be gentle now since I haue cald you
so) as freely as my knauerie was mine owne, it shall be yours to vse in
the way of honestie.

Euen in this expedition of Turwin (for the king stoode not long
thrumming of buttons there) it happened me fall out (I would it had
fallen out otherwise for his sake) with an vgly mechanical Captaine. You
must thinke in an armie, where tronchios are in their state house, it is
a flat stab once to name a Captaine without cappe in hand. Well, suppose
hee was a Captaine, & had nere a good cap of his owne, but I was faine
to lend him one of my Lords cast veluet caps, and a weatherbeaten
feather, wherewith he threatned his souldiers a farre off, as Iupiter is
sayde, with the shaking of his haire to make heauen and earth to quake:
suppose out of the paringes of a paire of false dice, I apparelled both
him and my selfe many a time and oft: and surely not to slander the
deuill, if anie man euer deserued the golden dice, the king of the
Parthians sent to _Demetrius_ it was I, I had the right vaine of sucking
vp a die twixt the dintes of my fingers, not a creuise in my hande but
coulde swallowe a quater trey for a neede: in the line of life many a
dead lifte dyd there lurke, but it was nothing towards the maintenance
of a family. This Monsieur Capitano eate vp the creame of my earnings,
and _Crede mihi res est ingeniosa dare_, any man is a fine fellow
as long as he hath anie monie in his purse. That monie is like the
marigolde, which opens and shuts with the Sunne, if fortune smileth,
or one be in fauour, it floweth: if the euening of age comes on, or he
falleth into disgrace, it fadeth and is not to be found. I was my crafts
master though I was but yong, and could as soone decline _Nominatiuo hic
asinus_, as a greater clarke, wherefore I thought it not conuenient my
soldado should haue my purse anie longer for his drumme to play vppon,
but I woulde giue him Iacke drummes entertainment, and send him packing.
This was my plot, I knewe a peece of seruice of intelligence, which was
presently to bee done, that required a man with all his fiue senses to
effect it, and would ouefthrow anie foole that should vndertake it,
to this seruice did I animate and egge my foresayd costes and charges,
alias, senior veluet-cappe, whose head was not encombered with too much
forecast, and comming to him in his cabbin about dinner time, where I
found him verie deuoutly paring of his nailes for want of other repast,
I entertained him with this solemne oration.

Captaine, you perceiue how neere both of vs are driuen, the dice of late
are growen as melancholy as a dog, high men and low men both prosper
alike, langrets, fullams, and all the whole fellowshippe of them will
not affoord a man his dinner, some other means must be inuented to
preuent imminent extremitie. My state, you are not ignorant, depends on
trencher seruice, your aduancement must be deriued from the valour
of your arme. In the delayes of siege, desert hardly gets a daye of
hearing, tis gowns must direct and guns enact all the wars that is to
bee made against walls. Resteth no waie for you to climbe sodainly, but
by doing some straunge stratageme, that the like hath not bene heard of
heeretofore, and fitly at this instant occasion is ministred.

There is a feate the king is desirous to haue wrought on some great
man of the enemies side, marie it requireth not so much resolution as
discretion to bring it to passe, and yet resolution inough shalbe showen
in it to, being so full of hazardous ieopardy as it is, harke in
your eare, thus it is. Without more drumbling or pausing, if you will
vndertake it, and worke it through stitch (as you may ere the king hath
determined which waie to goe about it) I warrant you are made while you
liue, you neede not care which waie your staffe falles, if it proue not
so, then cut off my head.

Oh my auditors, had you seene him how he stretcht out his lims, scratcht
his scabd elbowes at this speech, how hee set his cap ouer his eie
browes like a polititian, and then folded his armes one in another, &
nodded with the head, as who should saie, let the French beware, for
they shall finde me a deuill, if I say, you had seen but halfe the
actions that he vsed of shrucking vp his shoulders, smiling scornfully,
playing with his fingers on his buttons, and biting the lip, you wold
haue laught your face and your knees together. The yron being hot, I
thought to lay on loade, for in anie case I would not haue his humour
coole. As before I layd open vnto him the briefe summe of the seruice,
so now I began to vrge the honorablenesse of it, and what a rare thing
it was to be a right polititian, how much esteemd of kings and princes,
and how diuerse of meane parentage haue come to be monarches by it. Then
I discourst of the qualities and properties of him in euerie respect,
how lyke the wolfe he must drawe the breath from a man before he be
seen, how lyke a hare he must sleepe with his eyes open, how as the
Eagle in flying casts dust in the eyes of crowes & other foules, for
to blind them, so he must cast dust in the eies of his enimies, delude
their sight by one meanes or other, y they diue not into his subtilties:
how he must be familiar with all & trust none, drinke, carouse and
lecher with him out of whom he hopes to wring anie matter, sweare and
forsweare, rather than be suspected, and in a word, haue the art of
dissembling at his fingers ends as perfect as anie courtier.

Perhaps (quoth I) you may haue some few greasie cauelliers that will
seeke to disswade you from it, and they will not sticke to stand on
theyr three halfe pennie honour, swearing and staring that a man were
better be an hangman than an intelligencer, and call him a sneaking
eausdropper, a scraping hedgecreeper, and a piperly pickthanke, but
you must not bee discouraged by theyr talke, for the most part of those
beggerly contemners of wit, are huge burlybond butchers like _Aiax_,
good for nothing but to strike right downe blowes on a wedge with a
cleauing beetle, or stande hammering all daie vppon barres of yron. The
whelpes of a Beare neuer grow but sleeping, and these bearewards hauing
big limmes shall bee preferd though they doe nothing. You haue read
stories, (He bee sworne he neuer lookte in booke in his life) how many
of the Romane worthies were there that haue gone as spies into theyr
enemies campe? _Vlysses, Nestor, Diomed_, went as spies together in the
night into the tentes of _Rhosus_ and intercepted _Dolon_ the spie
of the Troians: neuer anie discredited the trade of intelligencers
but _Iudas_, & he hanged himselfe. Danger will put wit into anie man.
_Architas_ made a wooden doue to flie: by which proportion I see no
reason that the veryest blocke in the world should despayre of anie
thing. Though nature be contrarie inclined, it may be altered, yet
vsually those whome she denies her ordinarie giftes in one thing, she
doubles them in another. That which the asse wants in wit, hee hath in
honestie, who euer sawe him kicke or winch, or vse anie iades trickes,
though he liue an hundred yeeres you shall never heare that he breakes
pasture. Amongest men, hee that hath not a good wit, lightly hath a
good yron memorie, and he that hath neither of both, hath some bones to
carrie burthens. Blinde men haue better noses than other men: the buls
horns serue him as well as hands to fight withall: the lions pawes are
as good to him as a polaxe, to knock downe anie that resists him: so the
Bores tushes serue him in better stead than a sword and buckler, what
need the snaile care for eyes, when he feeles the waie with his two
homes, as well as if hee were as sharpe sighted as a decypherer. There
is a fish that hauing no wings, supportes her selfe in the ayre with
her finnes. Admit that you had neither wit nor capacitie, as sure in my
iudgement there is none equall vnto you in idiotisme, yet if you haue
simplicitie and secrecie, serpents themselues will thinke you a serpent,
for what serpent is there but hydeth his sting: and yet whatsoeuer bee
wanting, a good plausible alluring tong in such a man of imployment can
hardly be spard, which as the forenamed serpent, with his winding tayle
fetcheth in those that come neere him: so with a rauishing tale, it
gathers all mens heartes vnto him, which if hee haue not, let him neuer
looke to ingender by the mouth, as rauens and doues doe, that is,
mount or be great by vndermining. Sir, I am assertayned that all these
imperfections I speake off, in you haue theyr naturall resiance, I see
in your face, that you were borne with the swallow, to feede flying,
to get much treasure and honour by trauell. None so fit as you for so
important an enterprise, our vulgar reputed polititians are but flyes
swimming on the streame of subtiltie superficially in comparison of
your singularitie, theyr blind narrowe eyes cannot pearce into the
profunditie of hypocrisie, you alone with _Palamed_, can pry into
_Vlysses_ madde counterfeting, you can discerne _Achilles_ from a
chamber maide, though he be deckt with his spindle and distaffe: as
_Ioue_ dining with _Licaon_ could not be beguiled with humane flesh
drest like meate, so no humane braine may goe beyond you, none beguile
you, you gull all, all feare you, loue you, stoupe to you. Therefore,
good sir, be rulde by mee, stoupe your fortune so lowe, as to bequeath
your selfe wholy to this businesse.

This siluer sounding tale made such sugred harmonie in his eares, that
with the sweete meditation, what a more than myraculous polititian
he should be, and what kingly promotion should come tumbling on him
thereby, he could haue found in his heart to haue packt vp his pipes &
to haue gone to heauen without a baite, yea, hee was more inflamed and
rauishte with it than a young man called _Tauritnontanus_ was with the
Phrigian melodie, who was so incensed and fyred therewith, that he would
needes runne presently vpon it, and set a curtizans house on fire that
had angered him.

No remedie there was but I must helpe to furnish him with monie, I did
so, as who wil not make his enemy a bridge of golde to flie by. Verie
earnestly he coniurd me to make no man liuing priuie to his departure
in regard of his place and charge, and on his honour assured mee his
returne shoulde bee verie short and succesfull, I, I, shorter by the
necke, thought I, in the meane time let this be thy posie, _I liue in
hope to scape the rope_.

Gone he is, God send him good shipping to Wapping, & by this time, if
you will, let him bee a pittifull poore fellowe, and vndone for euer,
for mine owne part, if he had bin mine owne brother, I coulde haue done
no more for him than I did, for straight after his backe was turnd, I
went in all loue & kindnesse to the Marshall generall of the field, &
certefide him that such a man was lately fled to the enemie, and gotte
his place beggd for another immediatly. What became of him after you
shall heare. To the enemie he went and offered his seruice, ratling
egregiously on the king of England, he swore, as he was a Gentleman
and a souldier, hee would bee reuenged on him, and let but the king of
France follow his counsell, hee woulde driue him from _Turwin_ wals yet
ere ten dayes to an end. All these were good humours, but the tragedie
followeth. The French king hearing of such a prating fellow that was
come, was desirous to see him, but yet he feared treason, wherfore he
wild one of his minions to take vpon him his person, and he would stand
by as a priuate man whilest hee was examined. Why should I vse anie idle
delayes? In was Captaine Gogges wounds brought, after he was throughly
searched, not a louse in his doublet was let passe, but was askt
_Queuela_, and chargd to stand in the kings name, the mouldes of his
buttons they turnd out, to see if they were not bullettes couered ouer
with thread, the codpeece in his deuills breeches (for they were then in
fashion) they sayd playnly was a case for a pistoll, if hee had had euer
a hobnaile in his shooes it had hangde him, & he shuld neuer haue knowen
who had harmd him, but as lucke was, he had not a mite of anie mettal
about him, he tooke part with none of the foure ages, neither the golden
age, the siluer age, the brasen nor the yron age, onely his purse was
aged in emptinesse, and I thinke verily a puritane, for it kept it selfe
from any pollution of crosses. Standing before the supposed king, he
was askt what he was, and wherefore he came. To the which in a glorious
bragging humour he aunswered, that hee was a gentleman, a captaine
commander, a chiefe leacjer, that came away from the king of England
vppon discontentment. Questiond particular of the cause of his
discontentment, hee had not a word to blesse himself with, yet faine he
would haue patcht out a poltfoote tale, but (God he knowes) it had not
one true legge to stand on. Then began he to smell on the villaine so
rammishly, that none there but was readie to rent him in peeces, yet the
minion king kept in his cholar, and propounded vnto him farther, what
of the king of Englands secrets (so aduantageable) he was priuie to,
as might remoue him from the siege of Turwin in three daies. Hee sayde
diuerse, diuerse matters, which askt longer conference, but in good
honestie they were lies, which he had not yet stampt. Heereat the true
king stept forth, and commanded to lay handes on the lozell, and that he
should be tortured to confesse the truth, for he was a spie and nothing
else.

He no sooner sawe the wheele and the torments set before him, but he
cride out like a rascall, and sayde hee was a poore Captaine in the
English camp, suborned by one _Iacke Wilton_ (a noble mans page) and no
other, to come and kill the French king in a brauery and returne, and
that he had no other intention in the world.

This confession could not choose but moue them all to laughter, in that
he made it as light a matter to kill their king and come backe, as to
goe to Islington and eate a messe of creame, and come home againe, nay,
and besides hee protested that he had no other intention, as if that
were not inough to hang him.

_Adam_ neuer fell till God made fooles, all this coulde not keepe his
ioyntes from ransacking on the wheele, for they vowed either to make
him a confessor or a martir in a trice, when still he sung all one song,
they tolde the king he was a foole, and some shrewd head had knauishly
wrought on him, wherefore it should stand with his honour to whip him
out of the campe and send him home. That perswasion tooke place, and
soundly was he lasht out of theyr liberties, and sent home by a Heralde
with this message, that so the king his master hoped to whip home
all the English fooles verie shortly: answere was returned, that that
shortlie, was a long lie, and they were shrewde fooles that shoulde
driue the French man out of his kingdome, and make him glad with
Corinthian _Dionisius_ to play the schoole-master.

The Herald being dismist, our afflicted intelligencer was cald _coram
nobis_, how he spedde, iudge you, but something hee was adiudged to. The
sparowe for his lecherie liueth but a yeere, he for his trecherie was
turnd on the toe, _Plura dolor prohibet_.

Here let me triumph a while, and ruminate a line or two on the
excellence of my wit, but I will not breath neither til I haue
disfraughted all my knauerie.

Another Swizer Captaine that was farre gone for want of the wench, I led
astraie most notoriously, for he beeing a monstrous vnthrift of battle
axes (as one that cared not in his anger to bid flie out scuttels to
fiue score of them) and a notable emboweller of quart pots, I came
disguised vnto him in the forme of a halfe a crowne wench, my gowne and
attire according to the custome the in request. I wis I had my curtesies
in cue or in quart pot rather, for they dyu'd into the very entrailes of
the dust, and I simpered with my countenance lyke a porredge pot on the
fire when it first begins to seeth. The sobrietie of the circumstance
is, that after he had courted me and all, and giuen me the earnest
pennie of impietie, some sixe crownes at the least for an antipast to
iniquitie, I fained an impregnable excuse to be gone, and neuer came at
him after. Yet left I not here, but committed a little more scutcherie.
A companie of coystrell clarkes (who were in band with sathan, and not of
anie souldiers collar nor his hatband) pincht a number of good mindes to
Godward of theyr prouant. They would not let a dram of dead pay ouerslip
them, they would not lend a groat of the weeke to come, to him that had
spent his money before this weeke was done. They outfaced the greatest
and most magnanimious servitours in their sincere and finigraphicall
cleane shirts and cuffes. A lowse that was anie Gentlemans companion
they thought scorne of, their nere bitten beardes must in a deuils name
bedewdeuerie daiewith rosewater, hogges could haue nere a hayre on theyr
backes, for making them rubbing brushes to rouse theyr crab lice. They
woulde in no wise permitte that the moates in the Sunnebeames should be
full mouthde beholders of theyr cleane phinikde appareil, theyr shooes
shined as bright as a slike-stone, theyr handes troubled and soyled more
water with washing, than the camell doth, that nere drinkes till the
whole streame bee troubled. Summarily, neuer anie were so fantastical
the one halfe as they. My masters you may conceiue of me what you list,
but I thinke confidently I was ordayned Gods scourge from aboue for
theyr daintie finicalitie. The houre of theyr punishment could no longer
be proroged, but vengeance must haue at them at al a ventures. So it
was, that the most of these aboue named goosequil braccahadocheos were
meere cowards and crauens, and durst not so much as throw a penfull
of inke into the enimies face, if proofe were made, wherefore on the
experience of their pusellanimitie I thought to raise the foundation
of my roguerie. What did I now but one daie made a false alarum in the
quarter where they laie, to trie how they would stand to theyr tackling,
and with a pittifull outcrie warned them to flie, for there was treason
afoot, they were inuironed and beset. Upon the first watch worde of
treason that was giuen, I thinke they betooke them to theyr heeles verie
stoutly, left theyr penne and inke-hornes and papers behinde them for
spoile, resigned theyr deskes, with the mony that was in them to the
mercie of the vanquisher, and in fine, left mee & my fellowes (their
foole-catchers) Lords of the field: how wee dealt with them, their
disburdened deskes canne best tell, but this I am assured, we fared the
better for it a fortnight of fasting dayes after. I must not place
a volume in the precincts of a pamphlet, sleepe an houre or two, and
dreame that Turney and Turwin is wonne, that the king is shipt againe
into England, and that I am close at harde meate at Windsore or at
Hampton court. What will you in your indifferent opinions allow me for
my trauell, no more seigniorie ouer the Pages than I had before? yes,
whether you will parte with so much probable friendly suppose or no,
He haue it in spite of your heartes. For your instruction and godly
consolation, bee informed, that at that time I was no common squire, no
vndertroden torch-bearer, I had my feather in my cap as big as a flag in
the foretop, my French doublet gelte in the belly as though (lyke a pig
readie to be spitted) all my guts had beene pluckt out, a paire of side
paned hose that hung down like two scales filled with Holland cheeses,
'my long stock that sate close to my docke, and smoothered not a scab
or a leacherous hairie sinew on the calfe of my legge, my rapier pendant
like a round sticke fastned in the tacklings for skippers the better to
climbe by, my cape cloake of blacke cloth, ouerspreading my backe lyke
a thornbacke, or an Elephantes eare, that hanges on his shoulders lyke
a countrie huswiues banskin, which shee thirleth her spindle on, and
in consummation of my curiositie, my handes without gloues, all a more
French, and a blacke budge edging of a beard on the vpper lip, & the
like sable auglet of excrements in the first rising of the anckle of my
chinne. I was the first that brought in the order of passing into the
court which I deriued from the common word _Qui passa_, and the heralds
phrase of armes Passant, thinking in sincerity, hee was not a Gentleman,
nor his armes currant, who was not first past by the pages. If anie
prentise or other came into the court that was not a Gentleman, I
thought it was an indignitie to the preheminence of the court to include
such a one, and could not be salud except we gaue him armes Passant, to
make him a Gentleman. Besides, in Spaine, none compasse anie farre waie
but he must be examined what he is, & giue three pence for his passe. In
which regard it was considered of by the common table of the cupbearers,
what a perilsome thing it was to let anie stranger or outdweller approch
so neere the precincts of the Prince, as the great chamber, without
examining what he was and giuing him his passe, wherevppon we
established the lyke order, but tooke no monie of them as they did,
onelie for a signe that he had not past our hands vnexamined, wee set a
red marke on either of his eares, and so let him walke as authenticall.
I must not discouer what vngodly dealing we had with the blacke iackes,
or how oft I was crowned king of the dronkards with a court cuppe, let
mee quietly descend to the waining of my youthfull dayes, and tell a
little of the sweating sicknesse, that made me in a cold sweate take my
heeles and runne out of England.

This sweating sicknesse, was a disease that a man then might catch and
neuer goe to a hothouse. Many masters desire to haue such semants as
would worke till they sweate againe, but in those dayes he that sweat
neuer wrought againe. That Scripture then was not thought so necessarie,
which sayes, Earne thy liuing with the sweat of thy browes, for then
they earnd their dying with the sweat of their browes. It was inough
if a fat man did but trusse his points, to turne him ouer the pearch:
mother _Cornelius_ tub why it was lyke hell, he that came into it neuer
came out of it Cookes that stande continually basting theirfaces before
the fire, were nowe all cashierd with this sweat into kitchinstuffe:
theyr hall fell in to the kings handes for want of one of the trade to
vpholde it. Feltmakers and furriers, what the one with the hot steame of
their wooll new taken out of the pan, and the other with the contagious
heate of their slaughter budge and connyskins, died more thicke than of
the pestilence: I haue seene an olde woman at that season hauing three
chins, wipe them all away one after another, as they melted to water,
and left her selfe nothing of a mouth but an vpper chap. Looke how in
May or the heat of Summer we lay butter in water for feare it shuld
melte awaie, so then were men faine to wet their clothes in water as
Diers doo, and hide themselues in welles from the heate of the Sunne.

Then happie was he that was an asse, for nothing wyll kill an asse
but colde, and none dide but with extreame heate. The fishes called
Seastarres, that burne one another by excessiue heate, were not so
contagious as one man that had the sweate was to another. Masons paid
nothing for haire to mix their lime, nor giouers to stuffe their balls
with, for then they had it for nothing, it dropt off mens heads and
beardes faster than anie Barber could shaue it. O if haire breeches had
then beene in fashion, what a fine world had it beene for Taylers, and
so it was a fine world for Tailers neuerthelesse, for hee that could
make a garment sleightest and thinnest, carried it awaie. Cutters I
can tell you, then stood vpon it, to haue their trade one of the twelue
Companies, for who was it then that would not haue his doublet cut to
the skin, and his shirt cut into it to, to make it more colde. It was
as much as a mans life was worth, once to name a freeze ierken, it was
treason for a fat grosse man to come within fiue miles of the court,
I heard where they dide vp all in one family, and not a mothers childe
escapt, insomuch as they had but an Irish rug lockt vp in a presse,
and not laide vpon anie bedde neither, if those that were sicke of
this maladie slept on it, they neuer wakt more. Phisitions with their
simples, in this case were simple fellowes, and knew not which way to
bestir them. Galen might goe shop the gander for anie good he could doe,
his secretatyes had so long called him diuine, that now he had lost all
his vertue vpon earth. _Hippocrates_ might well helpe Almanack makers,
but here he had not a worde to saie, a man might sooner catch the sweate
with plodding ouer him to no end, than cure the sweat with any of his
impotent principles. _Paracelsus_ with his spirit of the butterie, and
his spirits of minerals, could not so much as say, God amend him, to the
matter. _Plus erat in artifice quant arte_, there was more infection in
the phisition himselfe than his arte could cure. This mortalitie first
began amongst olde men, for they taking a pride to haue their breasts
loose basted with tedious beards, kept their houses so hot with these
hairy excrements, that not so much but their very wals sweat out salt
Peter, with the smoothering perplexitie, nay a number of them had
meruailous hot breaths, which sticking in the briers of their bushie
beardes, could not choose, but (as close aire long imprisoned) engender
corruption. Wiser was our brother _Bankes_ of these latter dais, who
made his iugling horse a cut, for feare if at anie time hee should
foist, the stinke sticking in his thicke bushie taile might be noisome
to his auditors. Should I tell you how many purseuants with red noses,
and sargeants with precious faces shrunke away in this sweat, you would
not beleeve me. Euen as the Salamander with his very sight blasteth
apples on the trees, so a purseuant or a sargeant at this present, with
the verie reflexe of his fine facias, was able to spoile a man a farre
of. In some places of the world there is no shadow of the sunne, _Diebus
illis_ if it had bene so in England, the generation of _Brute_ had died
all and some. To knit vp this description in a pursuat, so feruent
and scorching was the burning aire which inclosed them, that the most
blessed man then aliue, would haue thoght that God had done fairely by
him, if he had turnde him to a goat, for goates take breath not at the
mouth or nose only, but at y eares also.

Take breath how they would, I vowd to tarrie no longer amongst them. As
at Turwin I was a demie souldier in iest, so now I became a martiallist
in earnest. Ouer sea with my implements I got me, where hearing the king
of France and the Swizers were together by the ears, I made towards them
as fast as I could, thinking to thrust my selfe into that faction that
was strongest It was my good lucke or my ill, I know not which, to come
iust to ye fighting of the battel, where I sawe a wonderfull spectacle
of bloud shed on both sides, here the vnwildie swizers wallowing
in their gore, like an oxe in his doung, there the sprightly French
sprawling and turning on the stayned grasse, like a roach newe taken out
of the streame, all the ground was strewed as thicke with battle axes,
as the carpenters yard with chips. The plaine appeared like a quagmire,
ouerspread as it was with trampled dead bodies. In one place might you
beholde a heape of dead murthered men ouerwhelmed with a falling steed,
in stead of a tombe stone, in another place a bundle of bodies fettered
together in theyr owne bowels, and as the tyrant Romane Empereurs vsed
to tie condemned liuing caitifes face to face to dead corses, so were
the halfe liuing here mixt with squeazed carcases long putrifide. Anie
man might giue armes that was an actor in that battell, for there were
more armes and legs scattered in the field that daie, than will be
gathered vp till dooms daie, the French king himselfe in this conflict
was much distressed, the braines of his owne men sprinkled in his face,
thrice was his courser slaine vnder him, and thrice was hee strucke on
the breast with a speare, but in the end, by the helpe of the Venetians,
the Heluesians or Swizers were subdude, and he crowned victor, a peace
concluded, and the cittie of Millain surrendered vnto him, as a pledge
of reconciliation. That warre thus blowen ouer, and the seueral bands
dissolued, like a crow that still followes aloofe where there is
carrion, I flew me ouer to Munster in Germanie, which an Anabaptisticall
brother named _Iohn Leiden_ kepte at that instant against the Emperor
and the Duke of Saxonie. Here I was in good hope to set vp my staffe for
some reasonable time, deeming that no Citie would driue it to a
siege except they were able to holde out, and pretily well had these
Munsterians held out, for they kept the Emperour and the Duke of Saxonie
sound plaie for the space of a yeere, and longer wold haue done, but
that dame famine came amongst them, wherevppon they were forst by
messengers to agree vpon a daie of fight, when according to theyr
anabaptisticall errour they might be all new christned in theyr owne
bloud.

That daie come, flourishing entered _lohn Leiden_ the botcher into the
field, with a scarfe made of lists, like a bowcase, a crosse on his
brest like a thred bottom, a round twilted Tailers cushion buckled lyke
a tancard bearers deuice to his shoulders for a target, the pike whereof
was a packe needle, a tough prentises club for his speare, a great
brewers cow on his back for a corslet, and on his head for a helmet
a huge high shoo with the bottome turnd vpward, embossed as full of
hobnailes as euer it might sticke, his men were all base handie craftes,
as coblers, and curriers, and tinkers, whereof some had barres of yron,
some hatchets, some coole staues, some dung forks, some spades, some
mattockes, some wood kniues, some addsses for theyr weapons, he that was
best prouided, had but a peece of a rustie browne bill brauely fringed
with cobwebbes to fight for him: perchance here and there you might see
a felow that had a canker eaten seul on his head, which serued him and
his ancestors for a chamber pot two hundred yeeres, and another that had
bent a couple of yron dripping pans armourwise, to fence his backe
and his belly, another that had thrust a payre of dry olde bootes as a
breast plate before his belly of his doublet, because he would not
be dangerously hurt: another that had twilted all his trusse full of
counters, thinking if the enemie shoulde take him, he would mistake them
for golde, and so saue his life for his money. Very deuout asses they
were, for all they were so dunstically set forth, & such as thought
they knew as much of Gods minde as richer men, why inspiration was their
ordinarie familiar, and buzde in theyr eares like a Bee in a boxe euerie
houre what newes from heauen, hell, and the lands of whipperginnie,
displease them who durst, hee shoulde have his mittimus to damnation _ex
tempore_, they woulde vaunt there was not a pease difference twixt them
and the Apostles, they were as poore as they, of as base trades as they,
and no more inspired than they, and with God there is no respect of
persons, onely herein may seeme some little diuersitie to lurke, that
_Peter_ wore a sword, and they count it flat hel fire for anie man to
weare a dagger, nay so grounded and grauelled were they in this opinion,
that now when they should come to battel, thers nere a one of them wold
bring a blade (no not an onion blade) about him, to die for it It
was not lawfull sayde they, for anie man to draw the sworde but the
magistrate, and in fidelitie (which I had welnigh forgot) _Iacke Leiden_
theyr magistrate had the image or likenesse of a peece of a rustie sword
like a lusty lad by his side, now I remember me, it was but a foile
neither, and he wore it, to shew that he should haue the foile of his
enemies, which might haue bin an oracle for his twohande interpretation.
_Quid plura_, his battell is pitcht, by pitcht, I do not meane set in
order, for that was far from their order, onely as sailers do pitch
their appareil, to make it stormeproofe, so had most of them pitcht
their patcht clothes, to make them impearceable. A neerer way than to
be at the charges of armor by halfe: and in another sort hee might
bee sayde to haue pitcht y field, for he had pitcht or set vp his rest
whither to flie if they were discomfited. Peace, peace there in the
belfrie, seruice begins, vpon their knees before they ioyne, fals _Iohn
Leiden_ and his fraternitie verie deuoutly, they pray, they houle, they
expostulate with God to grant them victory, and vse such vnspeakable
vehemence, a man would thinke them the onely well bent men vtider
heauen, wherein let mee dilate a little more grauely than the nature of
this historie requires, or will be expected of so young a practitioner
in diuinitie: that not those that intermissiuely cry, Lord open vnto us,
Lord open vnto us, enter first into the kingdome of heauen, that not the
greatest professors haue the greatest portion in grace, that all is
not golde that glisters. When Christ sayd, the kingdome of heauen must
suffer violence, hee meant not the violence of long babling praiers to
no purpose, nor the violence of tedious inuective sermons without wit,
but the violence of faith, the violence of good works, the violence of
patient suffering. The ignorant arise and snatch the kingdome of heauen
to themselues with greedines, when we with all our learning sinke downe
into hell. Where did _Peter_ and _Iohn_ in the third of the Acts, finde
the lame cripple but in the gate of the temple called beautifull, in the
beautifullest gates of our temple, in the forefront of professors, are
many lame cripples, lame in lyfe, lame in good workes, lame in euerie
thing, yet will they alwayes sit at the gates of the temple, none be
more forwarde tha they to enter into matters of reformation, yet none
more behinde hand to enter into the true temple of the Lord by the gates
of good life. You may obiect, that those which I speak against, are
more diligent in reading the scriptures, more carefull to resort vnto
sermons, more sober in their lookes and modest in their attire than anie
else: but I praie you let me aunswere you, Doth not Christ saie, that
before the latter daie the Sunne shall be turned into darknes, & the
Moone into bloud, whereof what may the meaning be, but that the
glorious sun of the gospell shall be eclipsed with the dun cloude of
dissimulation, that that which is the brightest planet of saluation,
shall be a meanes of errour and darknes: and the moone shal be turned
into bloud, those that shine fairest, make the simplest shew, seeme most
to fauour religion, shall rent out the bowels of the Church, be turned
into bloud, and all this shall come to passe, before the notable daie
of the Lord, whereof this age is the eue. Let me vse a more familiar
example since the heate of a great number hath outraged so excessiuely.
Did not the deuill leade Christ to the pinacle or highest part of the
temple to tempt him, if he lead Christ, he wil leade a whole armie of
hypocrites to the toppe or highest part of the temple, the highest step
of religion and holines, to seduce them and subuert them. I say vnto you
that which this our tempted sauiour with many other words besought his
disciples, saue your selues from this froward generation. Verily, verily
the seruaunt is not greater than his master: verily, verily, sinful
men are not holier than holy Jesus their maker. That holy Jesus againe
repeats this holy sentence, Remember the wordes I sayde vnto you, the
seruant is not holier or greater than his master, as if he should say,
remember then, imprint in your memorie your pride and singularitie will
make you forget them, the effectes of them many yeeres hence will
come to passe. Whosoeuer will seeke to saue his soule shall loose it
Whosoeuer seekes by headlong meanes to enter into heauen, & disanull
Gods ordinance, shal with y gyants that thought to scale heauen in
contempt of Jupiter, be ouerwhelmed with mount Ossa & Pelion, & dwel
with the deuill in eternal desolation. Though the high priests office
was expired, when _Paul_ said vnto one of them, God rebuke thee thou
painted sepulchre, yet when a stander by reproued him saying, Reuilest
thou the high priest? he repented & askt forgiuenesse. That which I
suppose I doe not grant, the lawfulnes of the authoritie they oppose
themselues agaynst, is sufficiently proued, farre bee it my vnderage
argumentes should intrude themselues as a greene weake prop to support
so high a building, let it suffice, if you knowe Christ, you know his
father also, if you know Christianitie, you know the Fathers of the
Church also, but a greate number of you with _Philip_ haue bene long
with Christ, and haue not knowen him, haue long professed your selues
Christians, and not knowen his true ministers, you follow the French and
Scotitsh fashion and faction, and in all pointes are lyke the Swizers,
_Qui quorunt cum qua gente cadunt_, that seeke with what nation they may
first miscarrie.

In the dayes of _Nero_ there was an odde fellowe that had found out an
exquisite waie to make glasse as hammer proofe as golde: shall I saie,
that the like experiment he made vppon glasse, we haue practised on the
Gospell? I, confidently will I, we haue found out a slight to hammer it
to anie heresie whatsoeuer, but those furnaces of falshood and hammer
heads of heresie must be dissolued and broken as his was, or els I feare
me the false glittering glasse of innouation will bee better esteemed of
than the ancient gold of the gospell. The fault of faults is this, that
your dead borne faith is begotten by to too infant fathers. _Cato_ one
of the wisest men Roman histories canonized, was not borne till his
father was foure score yeeres olde, none can be a perfect father
of faith and beget men aright vnto God, but those that are aged in
experience, haue many yeres imprinted in their milde conuersation, and
haue with Zaclteus sold all their possessions of vanities, to inioy the
sweet fellowshippe, not of the humane but spirituall messias. Ministers
and pastors sell awaie your sects and schismes to the decrepite Churches
in contention beyond sea, they haue bene so long inured to warre both
about matters of religion and regiment, that now they haue no peace of
minde, but in troubling all other mens peace. Because the pouertie of
their prouinces will allow them no proportionable maintenance for higher
callings of ecclesiasticall magistrates, they would reduce vs to the
president of their rebellious persecuted beggerie: much like the sect
of philosophers called cinikes, who when they saw they were borne to
no lands or possessions, nor had anie possible meanes to support their
desperate estates, but they must liue despised and in miserie doe what
they could, they plotted and consulted with themselues howe to make
theyr pouertie better esteemed of than rich dominion and soueraigntie.
The vpshot of their plotting and consultation was this, that they would
liue to themselues, scorning the verie breath or conipanie of all men,
they profest (according to y rate of their lands) voluntarie pouerty,
thin fare and lying hard, contemning and inueighing against al those
as brute beasts whatsoeuer whom the world had giuen anie reputation for
riches or prosperitie. _Diogenes_ was one of the first and fonnost of
the ringleaders of this rustie morositie, and he for all his nice
dogged disposition, and blunt deriding of worldly drosse, and the grosse
felycitie of fooles, was taken notwithstanding a little after verie
fairely coining monie in his cell: so fares it vp and down with our
cinicall reformed forraine Churches, they will disgest no grapes of great
Bishoprikes forsooth, because they cannot tell how to come by them, they
must shape their cotes good men according to their cloth, and doe as
they may, not as they woulde, yet they must giue vs leaue heere in
England that are their honest neighbours, if wee haue more cloth than
they, to make our garment somewhat larger. What was the foundation or
groundworke of this dismall declining of Munster, but the banishing of
their Bishop, their confiscating and casting lots for Church liuings,
as the souldiers cast lots for Christes garments, and in short tearmes,
theyr making the house of God a den of theeues. The house of God a number
of hungry church robbers in these dayes haue made a den of theeues.
Theeues spend loosely what they haue got lightly, sacriledge is no sure
inheritance, _Dionisius_ was nere the richer for robbing _Iupiter_ of
his golden coate, he was driuen in the end to play the schoolmaster at
Corinth. The name of religion, be it good or bad that is ruinated, God
neuer suffers vnreuenged, He say of it as _Ouid_ sayd of Eunuchs:

_Qui primus pueris genitalia membra recidit Vulnera qua fecit deduit
ipse pati._

     Who first depriude yong boies of their best part,
     With selfe same wounds he gaue he ought to smart.

So would he that first gelt religion or Churchliuings had bin first gelt
himselfe or neuer liued, Cardinall _Wolsey_ is the man I aime at, _Qui
in suas ponas ingeniosus erat_, first gaue others a light to his owne
ouerthrow. How it prospered with him and his instruments that after
wrought for themselues, Chronicles largely report, though not apply, and
some parcel of their punishment yet vnpaid, I doe not doubt but will bee
required of their posteritie.

To go forward with my storie of the ouerthrowe of that vsurper _Iohn
Leiden_, he and all his armie (as I saide before) falling prostrate on
their faces, and ferquently giuen ouer to praier, determined neuer to
cease, or leaue soliciting of God, till he had shewed them from heauen
some manifest miracle of successe. Note that it was a general receiued
tradition both with _I. Leiden_ and all the crue of Cnipper-dolings and
Muncers, if God at anie time at their vehement outcries and clamors did
not condiscend to their requests, to raile on him and curse him to his
face, to dispute with him, and argue him of iniustice, for not being
so good as his word with them, and to vrge his many promises in the
scripture against him: so that they did not serue God simply, but that
hee shoulde serue their turnes, and after that tenure are many content
to serue as bondmen to saue the danger of hanging: but he that serues
God aright, whose vpright conscience hath for his mot, _Amor est miki
causa sequendi_, I serue because I loue: he saies, _Ego te potius domine
quam tua dona sequar_, He rather follow thee O Lord, for thine owne
sake, than for anie couetous respect of that thou canst do for me,
Christ would haue no folowers, but such as forsooke all and follow him,
such as forsake all their owne desires, such as abandon all expectations
of rewarde in this world, such as neglected and contemned their liues,
their wiues and children in comparison of him, and were content to take
vp their crosse and folow him. These Anabaptists had not yet forsooke
all and followed Christ, they had not forsooke their owne desires of
reuenge and innouation, they had not abandoned their expectation of the
spoile of their enimies, they regarded their liues, they lookt after
their wiues & children, they tooke not vp their crosse of humilitie and
followed him, but would crosse him, vpbraid him, and set him at naught,
if he assured not by some signe their praiers and supplications.
_Deteriora sequuntur_, they folowed God as daring him. God heard their
praiers, _Quod petitur poena est_, It was their speedie punishment
that they praide for. Lo according to the summe of their impudent
supplications, a signe in the heauens appeard the glorious signe of the
rainbow, which agreed iust with the signe of their ensigne that was a
rainbowe likewise. Wherevpon assuring themselues of victorie, (_Miseri
quod volunt facile credunt_) that which wretches woulde haue they easily
beleeue. With shoutes and clamours they presentlie ranne headlong
on theyr well deserued confusion. Pittifull and lamentable was their
vnpittied and well performed slaughter. To see euen a Beare (which
is the most cruellest of all beastes) to too bloudily ouermatcht, and
deformedly rent in peeces by an vnconscionable number of curres, it
woulde moue compassion against kinde, and make those that beholding him
at the stake yet vncoapte with, wisht him a sutable death to his vgly
shape, now to recall their hard hearted wishes, and moane him suffering
as a mild beast, in comparison of the foule mouthed mastifes his
butchers: euen such compassion dyd those ouermatcht vngratious
Munsterians obtayne of many indifferent eyes, who now thought them
suffering, to bee as sheepe brought innocent to the shambles, when as
before they deemed them as a number of wolues vp in armes agaynst the
shepheardes. The Emperyalles themselues that were theyr executioners
(lyke a Father that weepes when he beates his child, yet still weepes
and still beates) not without much ruth and sorrow prosecuted that
lamentable massacre, yet drumms and trumpets sounding nothing but
stearne reuenge in their eares, made them so eager, that their hands
had no leasure to aske counsell of theyr effeminate eyes, theyr swords,
theyr pikes, theyr bils, their bows, their caleeuers flew, empierced,
knockt downe, shot thorough, and ouerthrew as many men euerie minute of
the battell, as there fais eares of corne before the sithe at one blowe,
yet all theyr weapons so slaying, empiercing, knocking downe, shooting
through, ouerthrowing, dissouleioyned not halfe so many, as the hailing
thunder of their great ordenance so ordinary at euerie footstep was the
imbrument of iron in bloud, that one could hardly discerne heads from
bullettes, or clottered haire from mangled flesh hung with gore. This
tale must at one time or other giue vp the ghost, and as good now as
stay longer, I would gladly rid my hands of it cleanly if I could tell
how, for what with talking of coblers, & tinkers, & roapemakers, and
botchers, and durt-daubers, the marke is cleane gone out of my muses
mouth, and I am as it were more than dunsified twixt divinitie and
poetrie. What is there more as touching this tragedie that you would be
resolued of? saie quickly, for now my pen is got vpon his feet again:
how _I. Leiden_ dide, is y it? he dide like a dog, he was hanged and the
halter paid for. For his companions, do they trouble you? I can tel you
they troubled some men before, for they were all kild, and none escapt,
no not so much as one to tel the tale of the rainbow. Heare what it is
to be Anabaptists, to bee puritans, to be villaines, you may be counted
illuminate botchers for a while, but your end wil be Good people pray
for me.

With the tragicall catastrophe of this munsterian conflict, did I
cashier the new vocation of my caualiership. There was no more honorable
wars in christendome then towards, wherefore after I had learned to
be halfe an houre in bidding a man _boniure_ in germane sunonimas, I
trauelled along the cuntrie towards England as fast as I could. What
with wagons & bare tentoes hauing attained to Middleborough (good Lord
see the changing chances of vs knight arrant infants) I met with the
right honourable Lord _Henrie Howard_ Earle of Surrey my late master,
Jesu I was perswaded.

I shoulde not be more glad to see heauen than I was to see him, O it was
a right noble Lord, liberalitie itselfe, (if in this yron age there were
anie such creature as liberality left on the earth) a prince in content
because a Poet without peere. Destinie neuer defames her selfe but
when she lets an excellent poet die: if there bee anie sparke of Adams
paradized perfection yet emberd vp in the breastes of mortall men,
certainely God hath bestowed that his perfectest image on poets. None
come so neere to God in wit, none more contemne the world, _vatis auarus
non temere est animus, sayth Horace, versus amat, hoc studet vnurn_.
Seldom haue you seene anie Poet possessed with auarice, onely verses he
loues, nothing else he delights in: and as they contemne the world, so
contrarily of the mechanicall worlde are none more contemned. Despised
they are of the worlde, because they are not of the world: their
thoughts are exalted aboue the worlde of ignorance and all earthly
conceits.

As sweet angelicall queristers they are continually conuersant in the
heauen of artes, heauen it selfe is but the highest height of knowledge,
he that knowes himselfe & all things else, knowes the means to be
happie: happy, thrice happie are they whome God hath doubled his spirite
vppon, and giuen a double soule vnto to be Poets. My heroicall master
exceeded in this supernaturall kinde of wit, hee entertained no grosse
earthly spirite of auarice, nor weake womanly spirit of pusillanimity
and feare that are fained to be of the water, but admirable, airie, and
firie spirites, full of freedome, magnanimitie and bountihood. Let me
not speake anie more of his accomplishments, for feare I spend al my
spirits in praising him and leaue my selfe no vigor of wit, or effectes
of a soule to goe forward with my history. Hauing thus met him I so much
adored, no interpleading was there of opposite occasions, but backe I
must returne and beare halfe stakes with him in the lotterie of
trauell. I was not altogether vnwilling to walke along with such a good
purse-bearer, yet musing what changeable humor had so sodainly seduced
him from his natiue soyle to seeke out needlesse perils in these parts
beyond sea, one night verie boldly I demaunded of him the reason that
moued him thereto.

Ah quoth he, my little Page, full little canst thou perceiue howe farre
metamorphozed I am from my selfe, since I last sawe thee. There is
a little God called Loue, that will not bee worshipt of anie leaden
braines, one that proclaimes himselfe sole king and Emperour of pearcing
eyes and chiefe soueraigtie of softe heartes, hee it is that exercising
his empire in my eyes, hath exorcized and cleane coniured me from my
content. Thou knowest stately _Geraldine_, too stately I feare for me to
doe homage to her statue or shrine, she it is that is come out of Italy
to bewitch all the wise men of England, vpon Queene _Katherine Dowager_
shee waites, that hath a dowrie of beautie sufficient to make her wooed
of the greatest kings in christendome. Her high exalted sunne beames
haue set the phenix neast of my breast on fire, and I my selfe haue
brought Arabian spiceries of sweete passions and praises, to furnish out
the funerall flame of my folly. Those who were condemned to be smothered
to death by sinking downe into the softe bottome of an high built bedde
of roses, neuer dide so sweete a death as I shoulde die, if her rose
coloured disdaine were my deathsman. Oh thrice emperiall Hampton court,
_Cupids_ inchaunted castle, the place where I first sawe the perfect
omnipotence of the Almightie expressed in mortalitie, tis thou alone,
that tithing all other men solace in thy pleasant scituation, affoordest
mee nothing but an excellent begotten sorrowe out of the chiefe
treasurie of all thy recreations.

Deare _Wilton_, vnderstand that there it was where I first set eie on my
more than celestiall Geraldine. Seeing her I admired her, all the whole
receptacle of my sight was vnhabited with her rare worth. Long sute and
vncessant protestations got me the grace to be entertained. Did neuer
vnlouing seruant so prentiselike obey his neuer pleased mistres, as
I dyd her. My lyfe, my wealth, my friendes, had all theyr destinie
depending on her command. Uppon a time I was determined to trauell, the
fame of Italy, and an especiall affection I had vnto Poetrie my second
mistres, for which Italy was so famous, had wholy rauisht mee vnto it
There was no dehortment from it, but needes thether I woulde, wherefore
comming to my mistres as she was then walking with other Ladyes of
estate in paradice at Hampton court, I most humblie besought her of
fauour, that shee would giue me so much gracious leaue to absent my
selfe from her seruice, as to trauell a yeare or two in Italy. She verie
discreetly aunswered mee, that if my loue were so hot as I had often
auouched, I dyd verie well to applie the plaister of absence vnto it,
for absence, as they saie, causeth forgetfulnesse, yet neuerthelesse
since it is Italy my natiue Countrie you are so desirous to see, I am
the more willing to make my will yours: _I pete Italiam_, go and seeke
Italie with Aenoas, but bee more true than _Aenoas_, I hope that kinde
wit-cherishing climate will worke no change in so wittie a breast. No
countrie of mine shall it be more, if it conspire with thee, in anie
newe loue agaynst mee. One charge I will giue thee, and let it bee
rather a request than a charge: When thou commest to Florence (the fayre
Citie from whence I fetcht the pride of my birth) by an open challenge
defende my beautie agaynst all commers.

Thou hast that honourable carryage in armes, that it shall bee no
discredite for mee to bequeath all the glorie of my beautie to thy well
gouerned arme. Faine woulde I be knowen where I was borne, fayne woulde
I haue thee knowen where fame sits in her chiefest theater. Farewell,
forget mee not, continued deserts will eternize me vnto thee, thy full
wishes shall bee expired when thy trauell shall be once ended.

Heere dyd teares steppe out before wordes, and intercepted the course
of my kinde concerned speech, euen as winde is allayed with raine: with
heart scalding sighes I confirmed her parting request, and vowed my
selfe hers, while liuing heate allowed mee to bee mine owne, _Hinc illo
lachrimo_ heere hence proceedeth the whole cause of my peregrination.

Not a litle was I delighted with this vnexpected loue story, especially
from a mouth out of which was nought wont to march but sterne precepts
of grauitie and modestie. I sweare vnto you I thought his companie
the better by a thousande crownes, because he had discarded those nice
tearmes of chastitie and continencie. Now I beseech God loue me so well
as I loue a plain dealing man, earth is earth, flesh is flesh, earth
wil to earth, and flesh vnto flesh, fraile earth, fraile flesh, who can
keepe you from the worke of your creation.

Dismissing this fruitlesse annotation _pro et contra_, towards Venice we
progrest, & tooke Roterdam in our waie, that was cleane out of our waie,
there wee met with aged learninges chiefe ornament, that abundant and
superingenious clarke _Erasmus_, as also with merrie sir _Thomas Moore_
our Countrieman, who was come purposely ouer a little before vs, to
visite the sayd graue father _Erasmus_: what talk, what conference we
had then, it were heere superfluous to rehearse, but this I can
assure you, _Erasmus_ in al his speeches seemed so much to mislike the
indiscretion of princes in preferring of parasites & fooles, that
he decreed with himselfe to swim with the streame, and write a booke
forthwith in commendation of folly. Quick witted sir _Thomas
Moore_ traueld in a cleane contrarie prouince, for hee seeing most
commonwealths corrupted by ill custome, & that principalities were
nothing but great piracies, which gotten by violence and murther, were
maintained by priuate vndermining and bloudshed, that in the chiefest
flourishing kingdomes there was no equal or wel diuided weale one with
another, but a manifest conspiracie of rich men against poore men,
procuring their owne vnlawfull commodities vnder the name and interest
of the commonwealth: he concluded with himselfe to lay downe a perfect
plot of a commonwealth or gouernment, which he would intitle his
_Vtopia_. So lefte wee them to prosecute their discontented studies, &
made our next iourney to Wittenberg.

At the verie point of our enterance into Wittenberg, wee were spectators
of a verie solemne scolasticall entertainment of the Duke of Saxonie
thether. Whome because he was the chiefe patrone of their vniuersitie,
and had tooke _Luthers_ parte in banishing the masse and all lyke papall
Jurisdiction out of their towne, they croucht vnto extreamly. The chiefe
ceremonies of their entertainment were these: first, the heads of their
vniuersitie, (they were great heads of certaintie) met him in their
hooded hypocrisie and doctorly accoustrement, _secundum formam statuti_,
where by the Orator of the vniuersitie, whose pickerdeuant was very
plentifully besprinkled with rose water, a verie learned or rather
ruthfull Oration was deliuered (for it raind all the while) signifieng
thus much, that it was al by patch and by peecemeale stolne out of
_Tully_, & he must pardon them, though in emptying their phrase bookes,
the ayre emptied his intrailes, for they did it not in anie ostentation
of wit (which they had not) but to shewe the extraordinarie good will
they bare the Duke, (to haue him stand in the raine tyll he was thorough
wet) a thousand _quernadmodums_ and _quapropters_ he came ouer him with,
euery sentence he concluded with _Esse posse videatur_: through all the
nine worthies he ran with praising and comparing him, _Nestors_ yeares
hee assured him off vnder the broade seale of their supplications, and
with that crowe troden verse in Virgil, _Dum iuga montis aper_, hee
packt vp his pipes, and cride _dixi_.

That pageant ouerpast, there rusht vpon him a miserable rabblement of
iunior graduats, that all crid out vpon him mightily in their gibrige
lyke a companie of beggers, God saue your grace, God saue your grace,
Jesus preserue your highnes, though it be but for an houre.

Some three halfe pennyworth of Latine here also had he throwen at his
face, but it was choise stuffe I can tell you, as there is a choise euen
amongest ragges gathered vp from the dunghill. At the townes end met
him the burgers and dunstical incorporationers of Wittenberg in their
distinguished liueries, their distinguished liuerie faces I mene, for
they were most of them hot liuered dronkards, and had all the coate
coulours of sanguin, purple, crimson, copper, carnation that were to be
had in their countenaunces. Filthy knaues, no cost had they bestowed
on the town for his welcome, sauing new painted their houghs & bousing
houses, which commonly are built fayrer than their Churches, and ouer
their gates set the town armes, which sounded gulping after this sort,
_Vanhotten, slotten, irk bloshen glotten gelderslike_: what euer the
wordes were, the sense was this, Good drinke is a medicine for all
diseases.

A bursten belly inkhorne orator called _Vanderhulke_ they pickt out to
present him with an oration, one that had a sulpherous big swolne large
face, like a Saracen, eies lyke two kentish oysters, a mouth that opened
as wide euerie time hee spake, as one of those olde knit trap doores, a
beard as though it had bin made of a birds neast pluckt in peeces, which
consisteth of strawe, haire, and durt mixt together. Hee was apparelled
in blacke leather new licourd, and a short gowne without any gathering
in the backe, faced before and behind with a boistrous Beare skinne,
and a red nightcap on his head. To this purport and effecte was this
broccing double beere Oration.

Right noble Duke (_ideo nobilis quasi nobilis_) for you haue no bile or
cholar in you, know that our present incorporation of Wittenberg, by
me the tongue-man of their thankfulnes, a townesman by birth, a free
Germane by nature, an oratour by arte, and a scriuener by education,
in all obedience & chastity, most bountifully bid you welcome to
Wittenberg: welcome sayde I? O orificiall rethorike wipe thy euerlasting
mouth, and affoord me a more Indian metaphor than that, forthe braue
princely bloud of a Saxon. Oratorie vncaske the hard hutch of thy
complements, and with the triumphantest troupe in thy treasurie doe
trewage vnto him. What impotent speech with his eight partes may not
specifie this vnestimable guift holding his peace, shall as it were
(with teares I speake it) do wherby as it may seeme or appeare, to
manifest or declare & yet it is, & yet it is not, & yet it may bee a
diminitiue oblation meritorious to your high pusillanimitie & indignity.
Why shoulde I goe gadding and fisgigging after firking flantado
Amphibologies, wit is wit, and good will is good will. With all the wit
I haue, I here according to the premises, offer vp vnto you the Cities
generall good will, which is a guilded Canne, in manner and forme
following, for you and the heires of your bodie lawfully begotten, to
drinke healths in. The scolasticall squitter bookes clout you vp
cannopies & footclothes of verses. Wee that are good fellowes, and liue
as merrie as cup and can, will not verse vpon you as they do, but must
doe as we can, and entertaine you if it bee but with a playne emptie
Canne. He hath learning inough that hath learnd to drinke to his first
man.

Gentle Duke, without paradox be it spoken, thy horses at your owne
proper costs and charges shall kneed vp to the knees all the while thou
art here in spruce beere & lubeck licour. Not a dog thou bringst with
thee but shall be banketted with rhenish wine and sturgion. On our
shoulders we weare no lamb skin or miniuer like these academikes, yet
wee can drinke to the confusion of all thy enemies. Good lambes-wooll
haue we for their lambe skins, and for their miniuer, large minerals in
our coffers. Mechanicall men they call vs, and not amisse, for most of
vs being _Mochi_, yt is, cuckolds & whooremasters, fetch our antiquitie
from the temple of _Mocha_, where Mahomet is hung vp. Three parts of the
world, America, Affrike and Asia, are of this our mechanike religion.
_Nero_ when he crid _O quantus artifex pereo_, profest himselfe of our
freedome. Insomuch as _Artifex_ is a citizen or craftsman, as wel as
_Carnifex_ a scholler or hangman. Passe on by leaue into the precincts
of our abhomination. Bony Duke, frolike in our bowse, and perswade thy
selfe that euen as garlike hath three properties, to make a man winke,
drinke, and stinke, so wee wyll winke on thy imperfections, drinke to
thy fauorites, & all thy foes shall stinke before vs. So be it Farewell.

The Duke laught not a little at this ridiculous oration, but that verie
night, as great an ironicall occasion was ministred, for he was
bidden to one of the chiefe schoolesto a Comedie handled by scollers.
_Acolastus_ the prodigall childe was the name of it, which was so
filthily acted, so leathernly sette foorth, as woulde haue moued
laughter in _Heraclitus_. One as if he had beene playning a clay floore
stampingly troade the stage so harde with his feete, that I thought
verily he had resolued to doe the Carpenter that sette it vp some vtter
shame. Another floung his armes lyke cudgelles at a peare tree, in so
much as it was mightily dreaded that hee woulde strike the candles that
hung aboue theyr heades out of their sockets, and leaue them all darke.
Another did nothing but winke and make faces. There was a parasite, &
he with clapping his hands and thripping his fingers seemed to dance
an antike to and fro The onely thing they did well, was the prodigal
childes hunger, most of their schollers being hungerly kept, and surely
you would haue sayd they had ben brought vp in hogs academie to learne
to eate acornes, if you had seene how sedulously they fell to them. Not
a iest had they to keepe their auditors from sleepe but of swill and
draffe, yes now and then the seruant put his hand into the dish before
his master, and almost choakt himselfe, eating slouenly and rauenously
to cause sport.

The next daie they had solempne disputations, where _Luther_ and
_Carolostadius_ scolded leuell coile. A masse of words I wot well they
heapt vp against the masse and the Pope, but farther perticulars of
their disputations I remember not. I thought verily they woulde haue
worried one another with wordes, they were so earnest and vehement.
_Luther_ had the louder voice, _Carolostadius_ went beyond him in
beating and bounsing with his fists, _Quæ supra nos nihil ad nos_. They
vttered nothing to make a man laugh, therefore I wil leaue them. Mary
theyr outward iestures now and then would affoorde a man a morsell of
mirth: of those two I meane not so much, as of all the other traine of
opponents and respondents. One peckte like a crane with his forefinger
at euery halfe sillable he brought forth, and nodded with his nose like
an olde singing man, teaching a yong querister to keepe time. Another
would be sure to wipe his mouth with his handkercher at the end of
euerie full point And euer when he thought he had cast a figure
so curiously, as he diu'de ouer head and eares into his auditors
admiration, hee would take occasion to stroke vp his haire, and twine
vp his mustachios twice or thrice ouer while they might haue leasure
to applaud him. A third wauerd and wagled his head, like a proud horse
playing with his bridle, or as I haue seene some fantasticall swimmer,
at euerie stroke, traine his chin sidelong ouer his left shoulder. A
fourth swet and foamed at the mouth, for verie anger his aduersarie
had denied that part of his sillogisme which he was not prepared to
aunswere. A fifth spread his armes like an vsher that goes before to
make roome, and thript with his finger & his thumbe when he thought he
had tickled it with a conclusion. A sixt hung downe his countenance lyke
a sheepe, and stutted and slauered verie pittifully when his inuention
was stept aside out of the waie. A seuenth gaspt and gapt for winde,
and groned in his pronunciation as if he were hard bound in some bad
argument. Grosse plodders they were all, that had some learning and
reading, but no wit to make vse of it They imagined the Duke tooke the
greatest pleasure and contentment vnder heauen to heare them speak.
Latine, and as long as they talkt nothing but _Tully_ he was bound to
attend them. A most vaine thing it is in many vniuersities at this daye,
that they count him excellent eloquent, who stealeth not whole phrases
but whole pages out of _Tully_. If of a number of shreds of his
sentences he can shape an oration, from all the world hee carries
it awaie, although in truth it be no more than a fooles coat of many
coulours. No inuention or matter haue they of theyr owne, but tacke vp
a stile of his stale galimafries. The leaden headed Germanes first began
this, and we Englishmen haue surfetted of their absurd imitation. I
pittie _Nizolius_ that had nothing to doe, but picke thrids ends out of
an olde ouerworne garment. This is but by the waie, we must looke backe
to our disputants. One amongst the rest thinking to be more conceited
than his fellowes, seeing the Duke haue a dog hee loued well, which sate
by him on the tarras, conuerted all his oration to him, and not a haire
of his taile but he kembd out with comparisons. So to haue courted
him if he were a bitch had bin verie suspitious. Another commented
& descanted on the Dukes staffe, new tipping it with many queint
epithites. Some cast his natiuitie, and promised him he should not
die till the daie of Judgement Omitting further superfluities of this
stampe, in this general assembly we found intermixed that abundant
scholler _Cornelius Agrippa_. At that time he bare the fame to be the
greatest coniurer in Christendome. _Scoto_ that did the iugling trickes
here before the Queene, neuer came neere him one quarter in magicke
reputation. The Doctors of Wittenberg doting on the rumour that went
of him, desired him before the Duke and them to doe something
extraordinarie memorable.

One requested to see pleasant _Plautus_, & that he would shew them
in what habite hee went, and with what countenaunce he lookt, when he
ground corne in the mill. Another had halfe a moneths minde to _Ouid_
and his hooke nose. _Erasmus_ who was not wanting to that honourable
meeting, requested to see _Tully_ in that same grace and maiestie he
pleaded his Oration _pro Roscio Amerino_. Affirming, that til in person
he beheld his importunitie of pleading, he woulde not be perswaded anie
man coulde carrie awaie a manifest case with rethorike, so straungely.
To _Erasmus_ petition he easily condiscended, and willing the Doctours
at such an houre to holde theyr conuocation, and euerie one to keepe him
in his place without mouing: at the time prefixed in entered _Tully_,
ascended his pleading place, and declaimed verbatim the fornamed
Oration, but with such astonishing amazement, with such feruent
exaltation of spirite, with such soule-stirring iestures, that all his
auditours were readie to install his guiltie client for a God.

Greate was the concourse of glorie _Agrippa_ drewe to him with this one
feate. And in deede hee was so cloyed with men which came to beholde
him, that hee was fayne sooner than hee woulde, to returne to the
Emperours court from whence hee came, and leaue Wittenberg before hee
woulde. With him we trauelled along, hauing purchast his acquaintance a
little before. By the waie as wee went, my master and I agreed to change
names. It was concluded betwixte vs, that I shoulde bee the Earle of
Surrie, and hee my man, onely because in his owne person, which hee
woulde not haue reproched, he meant to take more libertie of behauiour.
As for my carryage hee knew hee was to tune it at a key, eyther high or
low, or as hee list.

To the Emperours Court wee came, where our entertainment was euerie waie
plentifull, carouses wee had in whole galons in stead of quart pots. Not
a health was giuen vs but contayned well neere a hogshead. The customes
of the Countrie we were eager to be instructed in, but nothing we coulde
learne but this, that euer at the Emperours coronation there is an Oxe
roasted with a stagge in the belly, and that stagge in his belly hath a
kidde, and that kidde is stufte full of birdes. Some courtiers to wearie
out time woulde tell vs further tales of _Cornelius Agrippa_, and how
when sir _Thomas Moore_ our countrieman was there, hee shewed him the
whole destruction of Troy in a dreame. How the Lorde _Cromwell_ being
the kings Embassador there, in lyke case, in a perspectiue glasse he set
before his eyes, King Henrie the eight with all his Lordes hunting in
his forrest at Windsore, and when he came into his studie, and was verie
vrgent to be partaker of some rare experiment, that he might report when
he came into England, he wilde him amongst two thousande great bookes to
take downe which he list, and begin to reade one line in anie place, and
without booke he woulde rehearse twentie leaues following. _Cromwell_
dyd so, and in manye bookes tride him, when in euerie thing hee exceeded
his promise and conquered his expectation. To _Charles_ the fifte
then Emperour, they reported how he shewed the nine worthies, _Dauid,
Salomon, Gedeon_, and the rest, in that similitude and lykenesse that
they liued vpon earth. My master and I hauing by the high waie side
gotten some reasonable familiarities with him, vpon this accesse of
myracles imputed to him, resolued to request him something in our owne
behalfes. I because I was his suborned Lorde and master, desired him to
see the liuely image of _Geraldine_ his loue in the glasse, and what at
that instant she did, and with whome shee was talking. Hee shewed her
vs without more adoe, sicke weeping on her bedde, and resolued all into
deuoute religion for the absence of her Lorde. At the sight thereof hee
coulde in no wise refrayne, though hee had tooke vppon him the condition
of a seruant, but hee must forthwith frame this extemporall Dittie.

     _All soule, no earthly fleshy why dost thou fade,
     All gold, no worthlesse drosse, why lookst thou pale,
     Sicknesse how darst thou one so faire inuadey
     Too base infirmitie to worke her bale,
     Heauen be distemperd since she grieuedpines,
     Neuer be drie these my sadplaintiue lines.

     Pearch thou my spirit on her siluer breasts,
     And with theirpaine redoubled musike beatings,
     Let them tosse thee to world where all toile rests,
     Where blisse is subiect to nofeares defeatings,
     Her praise I tune whose tongue doth tune the sphears,
     And gets new muses in her hearers eares.

     Starres fall to fetch fresh light from her rich eyes,
     Her bright brow driues the Sunne to clouds beneath,
     Her hair es reflexe with red strokes paints the skies,
     Sweet morne and euening deaw flowes from her breath:
     Phoebe rules tides, she my teares tides forth drawesy
     In her sicke bed hue sits and maketh lawes.

     Her daintie limbes tinsel I her silke soft sheets,
     Her rose-crownd cheekes eclipse my daze led sight,
     O glasse with too much ioy my thoughts thou greets,
     And yet thou shewst me day but by twielight
     Ile kisse thee for the kindnesse I hauefelt,
     Her lips one kisse would vnto Nectar melt._

Though the Emperors court, and the extraordinaire edifieng companie of
_Cornelius Agrippa_ might haue beene arguments of waight to haue arested
vs a little longer there, yet Italy stil stuck as a great moat in my
masters eie, he thought he had trauelled no farther tha Wales til he had
tooke suruey of that Countrie which was such a curious moulder of wits.

To cut off blinde ambages by the high way side, we made a long stride
& got to Venice in short time, where hauing scarce lookt about vs,
a precious supernaturall pandor, apparelled in all points like a
gentleman, and hauing halfe a dosen seuerall languages in his purse,
entertained vs in our owne tongue verie paraphrastically and eloquently,
and maugre all other pretended acquaintance, would haue vs in a violent
kinde of curtesie to be the guests of his appointment. His name was
_Petro de campo Frego_, a notable practitioner in the pollicy of
baudrie. The place whether he brought vs, was a pernicious curtizans
house named _Tabitha_ the Temptresses, a wench that could set as ciuill
a face on it, as chastities first martyr _Lucrecia_. What will you
conceit to bee in anie Saintes house that was there to seeke? Bookes,
pictures, beades, crucifixes, why there was a haberdashers shop of
them in euerie chamber. I warrant you should not see one set of her
neckercher peruerted or turned awrie, not a piece of a haire displast.
On her beddes there was not a wrinkle of anie wallowing to be founde,
her pillowes bare out as smooth as a groning wiues belly, & yet she was
a Turke and an infidell, and had more dooinges than all her neighbours
besides. Us for our money they vsed lyke Emperours, I was master as you
hearde before, and my master the Earle was but as my chiefe man whome I
made my companion. So it happened (as iniquitie will out at one time or
other) that she perceiuing my expence had no more ventes than it should
haue, fell in with my supposed semant my man, and gaue him halfe a
promise of marriage, if he woulde helpe to make me away, that she and he
might inioy the iewels and wealth that I had.

The indifficultie of the condition thus she explaind vnto him, her
house stood vpon vaults, which in two hundred yeeres together were
neuer searcht, who came into her house none tooke notice of, his fellow
seruants that knewe of his masters abode there, should be all dispatcht
by him as from his master, into sundrie partes of the citie about
busines, and when they returned, answere should bee made that hee lay
not there anie more, but had remoued to Padua since their departure, &
thether they must follow him. Now (quoth she) if you be disposed to make
him awaie in their absence, you shall haue my house at command. Stab,
poison, or shoote him through with a pistol all is one, into the vault
he shall be throwen when the deede is done. On my bare honestie it was
a craftie queane, for she had enacted with her selfe if he had bin
my legitimate seruant, as he was one that serued and supplied my
necessities, when hee had murthered me, to haue accused him of the
murther, and made all that I had hers (as I carryed all my masters
wealth, monie, iewels, rings, or bils of exchaunge continually about
me.) He verie subtilly consented to her stratageme at the first motion,
kill me he woulde, that heauens could not withstand, and a pistoll was
the predestinate engin which must deliuer the parting blow. God wot I
was a rawe young squier, and my master dealt iudasly with me, for he
tolde mee but euerie thing that she and he agreed of. Wherfore I
could not possibly preuent it, but as a man woulde saie auoide it. The
execution daie aspired to his vtmost deuolution, into my chamber came
my honourable attendant with his pistoll charged by his side verie
suspitiously and sullenly, lady _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_
her pandor followed him at the hard heeles. At theyr enterance I saluted
them all verie familiarly and merily, and began to impart vnto them what
disquiet dreames had disturbed me the last night I dreamd, quoth I, that
my man _Brunquell_ heere (for no better name got he of mee) came into my
chamber with a pistoll charged vnder his arme to kill me, and that hee
was suborned by you mistres _Tabitha_, and my verie good friend
here _Petro de campo Frego_. God send it tourne to good, for it hath
afrighted mee aboue measure. As they were readie to enter into a
colourable common place of the deceitful friuolousnes of dreames, my
trustie seruant _Brunquell_ stoode quiuering and quaking euerie ioynt
of him, and (as it was before compacted between vs) let his pistoll drop
from him on the sodain, wherwith I started out of my bed, and drew my
rapier and cride murther, murther, which made good wife _Tabitha_ readie
to bepisse her.

My seruant, or my master, which you will, I tooke roughly by the coller,
and threatned to run him thorough incontinent if he confest not the
truth. He as it were striken with remorse of conscience (God be with
him, for he could counterfeit most daintily) downe on his knees, askt
me forgiuenes, and impeached _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_ as
guiltie of subornation. I verie mildly and grauely gaue him audience,
raile on them I did not after his tale was ended, but sayd I would trie
what the lawe coulde doe. Conspiracie by the custome of their countrie
was a capitall offence, and what custome or iustice might affoord
they should be all sure to feele. I could (quoth I) acquite my selfe
otherwise, but it is not for a straunger to bee his owne caruer in
reuenge. Not a worde more with _Tabitha_ but die she would before God
or the deuill would haue her, she sounded and reuiued, and then sounded
againe, and after shee reuiued again sighed heauily, spoke faintly
and pittifully, yea and so pittifully, as if a man had not knowen the
prankes of harlots before, he would haue melted in comiseration. Tears,
sighs, and dolefull tuned wordes could not make anie forcible claime
to my stonie eares, it was the glistering crownes that I hungered and
thirsted after, and with them for all her mock holyday iestures she
was faine to come off, before I woulde condiscend to anie bargaine of
silence. So it fortuned (fie vpon that vnfortunate word of Fortune) yt
this whore, this quean, this curtizan, this common of ten thousand, so
bribing me not to bewray her, had giuen me a great deale of counterfeit
gold, which she had receiued of a coiner to make awaie a little before.
Amongst the grosse summe of my briberie, I silly milkesop mistrusting no
deceit, vnder an angell of light tooke what she gaue me, nere turnd it
ouer, for which (O falsehood in faire shew) my master and I had like
to haue bin turned ouer. Hee that is a knight arrant, exercised in the
affaires of Ladies and Gentlewomen, hath more places to send mony to,
than the diuell hath to send his spirites to. There was a delicate wench
called _Flauia Aemilia_ lodging in S. Markes streete at a Goldsmiths,
which I would faine haue had to the grand test, to trie whether she were
currant in alcumie or no. Aie me, shee was but a counterfeit slip, for
she not only gaue me the slip, but had welnie made me a slipstring. To
her I sent my gold to beg an hour of grace, ah gracelesse fornicatresse,
my hostesse & she wer confederate, who hauing gotten but one piece of my
ill golde into their kandes, deuised the meanes to make me immortall.
I could drinke for anger till my head akt, to think how I was abused.
Shall I shame the deuill and speake the truth, to prison was I sent as
principall, and my master as accessarie, nor was it to a prison neither,
but to the master of the mints house who though partly our iudge, and
a most seuere vpright iustice in his own nature, extreamly seemed to
condole our ignorant estate, and without all peraduenture a present
redresse he had ministred, if certaine of our countrie men hearing an
English earle was apprehended for coining, had not come to visite vs. An
ill planet brought them thether, for at the first glance they knew the
seruant of my secrecies to be the Earle of Surrey, and I (not worthie
to be named I) an outcast of his cup or his pantofles. Thence, thence
sprong the full period of our infelicitie. The master of the mint our
whilome refresher and consolation, now tooke part against vs, he thought
we had a mint in our head of mischieuous conspiracies against their
state. Heauens bare witnes with vs it was not so, (Heauens wyll not
always come to witnes when they are cald.)

To a straiter ward were we comitted: that which we haue imputatiuely
transgressed must beaunswered. O the heathen heigh passe, and the
intrinsecall legerdemain of our special approued good pandor _Petro de
Campo Frego_. Hee although he dipt in the same dish with vs euerie daie,
seeming to labor our cause verie importunatly, and had interpreted
for vs to the state from y beginning, yet was one of those trecherous
brother _Trulies_, and abused vs most darkly. He interpreted to vs
with a pestilence, for whereas we stood obstinatly vpon it, we were
wrongfully deteined, and that it was naught but a malicious practise of
sinfull _Tabitha_ our late hostesse, he by a fine conny-catching corrupt
translation, made vs plainely to confesse, and crie _Miserere_, ere we
had need of our neckverse.

Detestable, detestable, that the flesh and the deuill shoulde deale
by their factors. He stand to it, there is not a pandor but hath vowed
paganisme. The deuill himselfe is not such a deuill as he, so be he
performe his function aright. He must haue the backe of an asse, the
snout of an elephant, the wit of a foxe, and the teeth of a wolfe, he
must faune like a spaniell, crouch like a Jew, Here like a sheepbiter.
If he be halfe a puritan, and haue scripture continually in his mouth,
he speeds the better. I can tell you it is a trade of great promotion,
and let none euer thinke to mount by seruice in forain courts, or creep
neere to some magnifique Lords, if they be not seene in this science.
O it is the art of arts, and ten thousand times goes beyond the
intelligencer. None but a staid graue ciuill man is capable of it, he
must haue exquisite courtship in him or else he is not old who, he wants
the best point in his tables.

God be mercifull to our pandor (and that were for God to worke a
miracle) he was seene in all the seuen liberall deadly sciences, not a
sinne but he was as absolute in as sathan himselfe. Sathan could neuer
haue supplanted vs so as hee did. I may saie to you he planted in vs the
first Italionate wit that we had. During the time we lay close and toke
phisick in this castle of contemplation, there was a Magnificos wife
of good calling sent in to beare vs companie. Her husbands name was
_Castaldo_, she hight _Diamante_, the cause of her committing was an
vngrounded ielous suspition which her doating husbande had conceiued of
her chastitie. One _Isaac Medicus_ a bergomast was the man hee chose
to make him a monster, who beeing a courtier and repairing to his house
very often, neither for loue of him nor his wife, but onely with a drift
to borrowe monie of a pawne of waxe and parchment, when he sawe his
expectation deluded, and that _Castaldo_ was too charie for him to
close with, he priuily with purpose of reuenge, gaue out amongest his
copesmates, that hee resorted to _Castaldos_ house for no other end
but to cuckolde him, & doubtfully he talkt that he had and he had not
obtained his sute. Rings which he borrowed of a light curtizan that he
vsed to, hee woulde faine to bee taken from her fingers, and in summe,
so handled the matter, that _Castaldo_ exclaimd, Out whore, strumpet,
sixe penny hackster, away with her to prison.

As glad were we almost as if they had giuen vs libertie, that fortune
lent vs such a sweet puefellow. A pretie round faced wench was it, with
blacke cie browes, a high forehead, a litle mouth, and a sharpe nose, as
fat and plum euerie part of her as a plouer, a skin as slike and soft as
the backe of a swan, it doth me good when I remember her. Like a birde
she tript on the ground, and bare out her belly as maiesticall as
an Estrich. With a licorous rouling eie fixt percing on the earth, &
sometimes scornfully darted on the tone side, she figured foorth a high
discontented disdain, much like a prince puffing and storming at the
treason of some mightie subiect fled lately out of his power. Her verie
countenance repiningly wrathfull, and yet cleere and vnwrinkled, would
haue confirmed the cleernes of her conscience to the austerest iudge
in the world. If in any thing she were culpable, it was in being too
melancholy chast, and shewing her selfe as couetous of her beautie as
her husband was of his bags. Many are honest because they knowe not
how to be dishonest: she thought there was no pleasure in stolne
bread, because there was no pleasure in an olde mans bed. It is almost
impossible that anie woman should be excellently wittie, and not make
the vtmost pennie of her beautie. This age and this countrie of ours
admits of some miraculous exceptions, but former times are my constant
informers. Those that haue quicke motions of wit, haue quicke motions
in euerie thing: yron onely needes many strokes, onely yron wits are not
wonne without a long siege of intreatie. Golde easily bends, the most
ingenious mindes are easiest moued, _Ingenium nobis molle Thalia dedit_,
saith _Psapho_ to _Phao_. Who hath no mercifull milde mistres, I will
maintaine, hath no wittie but a clownish dull flegmatike puppie to his
mistres.

This Magnificos wife was a good louing soule, that had mettall inough
in her to make a good wit of, but being neuer remoued from vnder her
mothers and her husbands wing, it was not moulded and fashioned as it
ought. Causelesse distrust is able to driue deceite into a simple womans
head. I durst pawne the credit of a page, which is worth ams ase at all
times, that she was immaculate honest till she met with vs in prison.
Marie what temptations shee had then when fire and flaxe were put
together, conceit with your selues, but hold my master excusable.

Alacke he was too vertuous to make her vicious, he stoode vpon religion
and conscience, what a hainous thing it was to subuert Gods ordinance.
This was all the iniurie he woulde offer her, sometimes he woulde
imagine her in a melancholic humour to be his _Geraldine_, and court her
in tearmes correspondent, nay he would sweare shee was his _Geraldine_,
& take her white hand and wipe his eyes with it, as though the very
touch of her might stanch his anguish. Now would he kneele and kisse the
ground as holy grounde which she vouchsafed to blesse from barrennesse
by her steps. Who would haue learned to write an excellent passion,
might have bin a perfect tragicke poet, had he but attended halfe the
extremitie of his lament. Passion vpon passion would throng one on
anothers necke, he would praise her beyond the moone and starres, and
that so sweetly & rauishingly, as I perswade myself he was more in loue
with his owne curious forming fancie than her face, and truth it is,
many become passionate louers, only to win praise to theyr wits.

[Illustration: Page-105]

He praised, he praied, hee desired and besought her to pittie him that
perisht for her. From this his intranced mistaking extasie could no man
remoue him. Who loueth resolutely, will include euerie thing vnder the
name of his loue. From prose he would leape into verse, and with these
or such lyke rimes assault her.


     _If I must die, O let me choose my death,
     Sucke out my soule with kisses cruell maide,
     In thy breasts christall bals enbalme my breath,
     Dole it all out in sighs when I am laid.

     Thy lips on mine like cupping glasses claspe,
     Let our tongs meete and siriue as they would sting,
     Crush out my winde with one strait girting graspe,
     Stabs on my heart keepe time whitest thou dost sing.

     Thy eies like searingyrons burne out mine,
     In thy faire tresses stifle me outright,
     Like Circes change me to a loathsome swine,
     So I may liue for euer in thy sight
     Into heauens ioyes can none prof oundly see,
     Except that first they meditate on thee._

Sadly and verily, if my master said true, I should if I were a wench
make many men quickly immortall. What ist, what ist for a maide fayre
and freshe to spend a little lip salue on a hungrie louer. My master
beate the bush and kept a coile and a pratling, but I caught the birde,
simplicitie and plainnesse shall carrie it awaie in another world. God
wot he was _Petro Desperato_, when I stepping to hir with a dunstable
tale made vp my market A holy requiem to their soules that thinke to
wooe women with riddles. I had some cunning plot you must suppose, to
bring this about Her husband had abused her, and it was verie necessarie
she shoulde be reuenged. Seldome doe they proue patient martyrs who are
punisht vniustly. One way or other they wil cry quittance whatsoeuer it
cost them. No other apte meanes had this poore shee captiued _Cicely_,
to worke her hoddy peake husbande a proportionable plague to his
ielousie, but to giue his head his ful loding of infamie. She thought
she would make him complaine for some thing, that now was so hard bound
with an hereticall opinion. Howe I dealt with her, gesse gentle reader,
_Sub audi_ that I was in prison, and she was my Jailor.

Meanes there was made after a moneths or two durance by M. _Iohn
Russell_, a gentleman of king Henrie the eights chamber, who then lay
lieger at _Venice_ for England, that our cause should be fauorably
heard. At that time was Monsieur _Petro Aretino_ searcher and chiefe
Inquisiter for the colledge of curtizans. Diuerse and sundrie wayes was
this _Aretine_ beholding to the king of England, especially for by this
foresaid M. _Russell_ a little before he had sent him a pension of foure
hundreth crownes yerely during his life. Very forcibly was hee dealt
withall, to straine the vtmost of his credit for our deliuerie. Nothing
at his handes wee sought, but that the curtizan might be more narrowly
sifted and examined. Such and so extraordinarie was his care and
industrie heerein, that within few dayes after mistres _Tabitha_ and
her pandor cride _Peccaui confiteor_, and we were presently discharched,
they for example sake executed. Most honorably after our enlargement
of the state were we vsed, and had sufficient recompence for all our
troubles and wrongs.

Before I goe anie further, let me speake a word or two of this
_Aretine_. It was one of the wittiest knaues that euer God made. If out
of so base a thing as inke there may be extracted a spirite, he writ
with nought but the spirite of inke, and his stile was the spiritualtie
of artes, and nothing else, where as all others of his age were but
the lay temporaltie of inkhorne tearmes. For in deede they were meere
temporizers, & no better. His penne was sharpe pointed like ponyard. No
leafe he wrote on, but was like a burning glasse to sette on fire all
his readers. With more then musket shot did he charge his quill, where
he meant to inueigh. No one houre but he sent a whole legion of deuils
into some heard of swine or other. If _Martiall_ had ten muses (as he
sayth of himselfe) when hee but tasted a cup of wine, he had ten score
when he determined to tyranize. Nere a line of his but was able to make
a man dronken with admiration. His sight pearst like lightning into
the intrailes of al abuses. This I must needs saie, that most of his
learning hee gotte by hearing the lectures at Florence. It is sufficient
that learning he had, and a conceite exceeding all learning, to
quintescence euerie thing which he hard. He was no timerous seruile
flatterer of the commonwealth wherein he liued. His tongue and his
inuention were foreborne, what they thought they would confidently
vtter. Princes hee sparde not, that in the least point transgrest. His
life he contemned in comparison of the libertie of speech. Whereas some
dull braine maligners of his, accuse him of that treatise _de tribus
impostoribus Mundi_, which was neuer contriued without a generall
counsell of deuils, I am verily perswaded it was none of his, and of my
minde are a number of the most iudiciall Italians. One reason is this,
because it was published fortie yeeres after his death, and he neuer in
all his life wrote anie thing in Latine. Certainly I haue heard that one
of _Machiuuels_ followers and disciples was the author of that booke,
who to auoid discredite, filcht it forth vnder _Aretines_ name, a great
while after hee had sealed vp his eloquent spirit in the graue. Too much
gall dyd that wormwood of Gibeline wits put in his inke, who ingraued
that rubarbe Epitaph on this excellent Poets tombstone, Quite forsaken
of all good Angels was he, and vtterly giuen ouer to an artlesse
enuie. Foure vniuersities honored _Aretine_ with these rich titles, _Il
flagello de principe Il veritiero, Il deuino, & Lvnico Aretino_. The
French king Frances the first, he kept in such awe, that to chaine his
tongue, he sent him a huge chaine of golde, in the forme of tongues
fashioned. Singularly hath hee commented of the humanity of Christ
Besides, as Moses set forth his Genesis, so hath hee set forth his
Genesis also, including the contents of the whole Bible. A notable
treatise hath hee compiled, called _Il sette Psalmi ponetentiarii_.
All the _Thomasos_ haue cause to loue him, because he hath dilated so
magnificently of the life of Saint Thomas. There is a good thing that he
hath set forth _La vita della virgine Maria_, though it somewhat smell
of superstition, with a number more, which here for tediousnesse I
suppresse. If lasciuious he were, he may answere with _Ouid, Vita
verecunda est, musa iocosa mea est_, My lyfe is chast though wanton be
my verse. Tell mee who is most trauelled in histories, what good Poet
is or euer was there, who hath not had a little spice of wantonnes in
dayes? Euen _Beza_ himselfe by your leaue. _Aretine_ as long as the
worlde liues shalt thou liue. _Tully, Virgil, Ouid, Seneca_, were neuer
such ornaments to Italy as thou hast beene. I neuer thought of Italy
more religiously than England til I heard of thee. Peace to thy Ghost,
and yet mee thinkes so indefinite a spirite should haue no peace or
intermission of paines, but be penning Ditties to the Archangels in
another world. Puritans spue forth the venome of your dull inuentions.
A Toade swelles with thicke troubled poison, you swell with poisonous
perturbations, your mallice hath not a cleare dram of anie inspired
disposition.

My principall subiect pluckes me by the elbowe, _Diamante Castaldos_ the
magnificos wife, after my enlargment proued to bee with childe, at which
instant there grewe an vnsatiable famine in Venice, wherein, whether it
were for meere niggardise, or that _Castaldo_ still eate out his heart
with iealousie, Saint Anne be our recorde, he turnde vp the heeles verie
deuoutly. To master _Aretine_ after this, once more verie dutifully I
appeald, requested him of fauour, acknowledged former gratuities,
hee made no more humming or haulting, but in despite of her husbandes
kinsfolkes, gaue her her _Nunc dimittis_, and so establisht her free of
my companie.

Beeing out, and fully possest of her husbandes goods, she inuested mee
in the state of a Monarch. Because the time of childbirth drew nigh,
and shee coulde not remaine in Venice but discredited, she decreed to
trauell whether so euer I woulde conduct her. To see Italy throughout
was my proposed scope, and that waie if shee woulde trauell, haue with
her, I had wherewithall to relieue her.

From my master by her fulhand prouokement I parted without leaue, the
state of an Earle hee had thrust vppon me before, and nowe I woulde not
bate him an inch of it. Through all the Cities past I by no other
name but the yong Earle of Surrey, my pompe, my appareil, traine, and
expence, was nothing inferiour to his, my lookes were as loftie, my
wordes as magnificall. Memorandum, that Florence beeing the principall
scope of my masters course, missing mee, he iourneied thether without
interruption. By the waie as he went, he heard of another Earle of
Surrey besides himselfe, which caused him make more hast to fetch me in,
whom he little dreamed of, had such art in my budget, to separate the
shadowe from the bodie.

Ouertake me at Florence he did, where sitting in my pontificalibus with
my curtizan at supper, lyke _Anthonie and Cleopatra_, when they quafte
standing bowles of wine spiced with pearle together, he stole in ere
we sent for him, and bad much good it vs, and askt vs whether we wanted
anie guests. If he had askt me whether I would haue hanged my selfe,
his question had beene more acceptable. He that had then vngartered mee,
might haue pluckt out my heart at my hams.

My soule which was made to soare vpward, now sought for passage
downward, my blood as the blushing _Sabine_ maids surprized on the
sodain by the souldiers of _Romulus_, ran to the noblest of bloud
amongest them for succour, that were in no lesse (if not greater
daunger) so dyd it runne for refuge to the noblest of his bloude about
my heart assembled that stood in more need it selfe of comfort and
refuge. A trembling earthquake or shaking feauer assailed either of vs,
and I thinke vnfainedly, if he seeing our faint heart agonie, had not
soone cheered and refreshed vs, the dogs had gone together by the eares
vnder the table for our feare-dropped lims.

In stead of menacing or afrighting me with his swoord, or his frounes
for my superlatiue presumption, hee burst out into a laughter aboue Ela,
to thinke how brauely napping hee had tooke vs, and how notablie wee
were dampt & stroke dead in the neast, with the vnexpected view of his
presence.

Ah quoth he, my noble Lord, (after his tongue had borrowed a little
leaue of his laughter) is it my lucke to visite you thus vnlookt for, I
am sure you wil bid me welcome, if it be but for the names sake. It is
a wonder to see two English Earles of one house, at one time together
in Italy. I hearing him so pleasant, began to gather vp my spirits, and
replide as boldly as I durst Sir, you are welcome, your name which I
haue borrowed I haue not abused. Some large summes of money this my
sweete mistres _Diamante_ hath made me master of, which I knew not
how better to imploy for the honour of my country, than by spending it
munificently vnder your name. No Englishman would I haue renowmed for
bounty, magnificence and curtesie but you, vnder your colours all my
meritorious workes I was desirous to shroud. Deeme it no insolence to
adde increase to your fame. Had I basely and beggerly, wanting abilitie
to support anie parte of your roialtie, vndertooke the estimation of
this high calling, your alledgement of iniury had ben the greater, and
my defence lesse authorized. It will be thought but a policie of yours
thus to send one before you, who being a follower of yours, shall keepe
and vphold the estate and port of an Earle. I haue knowen many Earles my
selfe that in their owne persons would go verie plaine, but delighted to
haue one that belonged to them (being loden with iewels, apparelled in
cloth of golde and all the rich imbroderie that might bee) to stand bare
headed vnto him, arguing thus much, that if y greatest men went not more
sumptuous, how more great than the greatest was he that could command
one going so sumptuous. A noble mans glorie appeareth in nothing so much
as in the pompe of his attendants. What is the glorie of the Sunne, but
that the moone and so many millions of starres borrow their light from
him? If you can reprehend me of anie one illiberall licentious action I
haue disparaged your name with, heape shame on me prodigally, I beg no
pardon or pittie. _Non veniunt in idem pudor & amor_, hee was loth to
detract from one that he loued so. Beholding with his eies that I dipt
not the wings of his honor, but rather increast them with additions of
expence, he intreated me as if I had bin an Embassadour, he gaue me his
hand and swore he had no more hearts but one, and I should haue halfe of
it, in that I so inhanced his obscured reputation. One thing, quoth he,
my sweete Jacke I will intreate thee (it shalbe but one) that though
I am wel pleased thou shouldest be the ape of my birthright, (as what
noble man hath not his ape & his foole) yet that thou be an ape without
a clog, not carrie thy curtizan with thee. I tolde him that a king could
do nothing without his treasury, this curtizan was my purs-bearer, my
countenance and supporter. My earldome I would sooner resigne than part
with such a speciall benefactresse. Resigne it I will how euer, since I
am thus challenged of stolne goods by the true owner: Lo, into my former
state I returne againe, poore _Iack Wilton_ and your seruant am I, as I
was at the beginning, and so will I perseuer to my liues ending.

That theame was quickly cut off, and other talke entered in place, of
what I haue forgot, but talke it was, and talke let it be, and talke
it shall be, for I do not meane here to remember it. We supt, we got to
bed, we rose in the morning, on my master I waited, and the first
thing he did after he was vp, he went and visited the house where his
_Geraldine_ was borne, at sight wherof he was so impassioned, that in
the open street but for me, he would haue made an oration in praise
of it. Into it we were conducted, and shewed each seueral roome therto
appertaining. O but when he came to the chamber where his _Geraldines_
cleere Sunbeams first thrust themselues into this cloude of flesh, and
acquainted mortalitie with the puritie of Angels, then did his mouth
ouerflowe with magnificats, his tongue thrust the starres out of heauen,
and eclipsed the Sun and Moone with comparisons, _Geraldine_ was the
soule of heauen, sole daughter and heire to _primus motor_. The alcumy of
his eloquence, out of the incomprehensible drossie matter of clouds
and aire, distilled no more quintescence than woulde make his Geraldine
compleat faire.

In praise of the chamber that was so illuminatiuely honoured with her
radiant conception, he penned this sonet:

     _Faire rootne the presence of sweet beauties pride,
     The place the Sunne vpon the earth did hold,
     When Phaton his chariot did misguide,
     The towre where loue raind downe himselfe in gold.

     Prostrate as holy groutid He worship thee,
     Our Ladies chappell henceforth be thou nanid.
     Heere first loues Queene put on mortalitie,
     And with her beautie all the world inflamed.
     Heatfns chambers harboring firie cherubines,
     Are not with thee in glorie to compare,
     Lightning it is not light which in thee shines,
     None enter thee but straight entranced are.

     O if Elizium be aboue the ground,
     Then here it is where nought but ioy is found._

Many other Poems and Epigrams in that chambers patient alablaster
inclosure (which her melting eies long sithence had softned) were
curiously ingraued. Diamondes thought themselues _Dii mundi_, if they
might but carue hir name on the naked glasse. With them on it did he
anatomize these bodie-wanting mots, _Dulce puella malum est. Quod fugit
ipse sequor. Amor est teni causa sequendi. O infolix ego. Cur vidi,
curperii. Non patienter amo. Tantum patiatur amari_. After the viewe of
these veneriall monumentes, he published a proude challenge in the Duke
of Florence court agaynst all commers, (whether Christians, Turkes,
Canibals, Jewes, or Saracens), in defence of his Geraldines beautie.
More mildly was it accepted, in that she whom he defended, was a towne
borne child of that Citie, or else the pride of the Italian would
haue preuented him ere he should haue come to performe it. The Duke of
Florence neuerthelesse sent for him, and demanded him of his estate, and
the reason that drew him thereto, which when hee was aduertised of
to the full, he granted all Countries whatsoeuer, as wel enemies and
outlawes, as friendes and confederates, free accesse and regresse into
his dominions vnmolested, vntill that insolent triall were ended.

The right honourable and euer renowmed Lorde _Henrie Howard_ Earle of
Surrey my singular good Lorde and master, entered the listes after this
order. His armour was all intermixed with lyllies and roses, and
the bases therof bordered with nettles and weeds, signifieng stings,
crosses, and ouergrowing incumbrances in his loue, his helmet round
proportioned like a gardeners waterpot, from which seemed to issue forth
small thrids of water, like citerne stringes, that not onely did moisten
the lillies and roses, but did fructifie as well the nettles and weedes,
and made them ouergrow their liege Lordes. Whereby hee did importe thus
much, that the teares that issued from his braine, as those arteficiall
distillations issued from the well counterfeit waterpot on his head,
watered and gaue life as well to his mistres disdaine (resembled to
nettles and weedes) as increase of glorie to her care-causing beautie,
(comprehended vnder the lillies and roses.) The simbole thereto annexed
was this, _ex lachrimis lachrimæ_. The trappinges of his horse were
pounced and boulstered out with rough plumed siluer plush, in full
proportion and shape of an Estrich. On the breast of the horse were the
forepartes of this greedie birde aduaunced, whence as his manner is, hee
reacht out his long necke to the raines of the bridle, thinking they had
beene yron, and styll seemed to gape after the golden bit, and euer
as the courser dyd rayse or curuet, to haue swallowed it halfe in. His
winges, which hee neuer vseth but running, beeing spreaded full sayle,
made his lustie steede as proude vnder him as he had beene some other
_Pegasus_, and so quieueringly and tenderly were these his broade wings
bound to either side of him, that as he paced vp and downe the tilt-yard
in his maiestie ere the knights were entered, they seemed wantonly to
fan in his face and make a flickering sound, such as Eagles doe, swiftly
pursuing their praie in the ayre. On either of his winges, as the
Estrich hath a sharpe goade or pricke wherewith hee spurreth himselfe
forwarde in his saile-assisted race, so this artificiall Estrich, on the
imbent knuckle of the pinion of either wing, had embossed christall eies
affixed, wherein wheele wise were circularly ingrafted sharpe pointed
diamonds, as rayes from those eies deriued, that like the rowels of a
spurre ran deep into his horse sides, and made him more eager in his
course.

Such a fine dimme shine dide these christall eies and these round
enranked diamonds make through their bolne swelling bowres of feathers,
as if it had beene a candle in a paper lanterne, or a gloworme in a bush
by night, glistering through the leaues and briers. The taile of the
Estrich being short and thicke, serued verie fitly as a plume to tricke
vp his horse taile with, so that euerie parte of him was as naturally
coapted as might be. The word to this deuice was _Aculeo alatus_, I
spread my wings onely spurd with her eies. The morral of the whole is
this, that as the Estrich, the most burning sighted bird of all others,
insomuch as the female of them hatcheth not hir egs by couering them,
but by the effectual raies of hir eies as he, I saie, outstrippeth the
nimblest trippers of his feathered condition in footman-shippe, onely
spurd on with the needle quickning goade vnder his side, so hee no lesse
burning sighted than the Estrich, spurd on to the race of honor by the
sweete raies of his mistres eies, perswaded himselfe hee should outstrip
all other in running to the goale of glorie only animated and incited
by her excellence. And as the Estrich wil eat iron, swallow anie hard
mettall whatsoeuer, so would he refuse no iron aduenture, no hard taske
whatsoeuer, to sit in the grace of so fayre a commander. The order of
his shield was this, it was framed like a burning glasse, beset round
with flame colourd feathers, on the outside whereof was his mistres
picture adorned as beautifull as art could portrature, on the inside a
naked sword tied in a true loue knot, the mot, _Militat omtiis amans_.
Signifieng that in a true loue knot his sword was tide to defend and
maintaine the high features of his mistres.

Next him entered the blacke knight, whose beauer was pointed all torne
& bloudie, as though he had new come from combatting with a Beare, his
head piece seemed to bee a little ouen fraught full with smoothering
flames, for nothing but sulphure and smoake voided out at the cleftes
of his beauer. His bases were all imbrodered with snakes & adders,
ingendered of the abundance of innocent bloud that was shed. His horses
trappinges were throughout bespangled with hunnie spottes, which are no
blemishes, but ornaments. On his shield he bare the Sunne full shining
on a diall at his going downe, the word _sufficit tandem_.

After him followed the knight of the Owle, whose armor was a stubd tree
ouergrowen with iuie, his helmet fashioned lyke an owle sitting on the
top of this iuie, on his bases were wrought all kinde of birdes as on
the grounde wondering about him, the word, _Ideo mirum quia monstrunty_
his horses furniture was framed like a cart, scattering whole sheaues
of corne amongst hogs, the word _Liberalitas liberalitate perit_. On his
shield a bee intangled in sheepes wooll, the mot _Frontis nulla fides_.
The fourth that succeeded was a well proportioned knight in an armor
imitating rust, whose head piece was prefigured like flowers growing in
a narrowe pot, where they had not anie space to spread their roots or
dispearse their florishing. His bases embelisht with open armed handes
scattering golde amongst tranchions, the word _Cura futuri est_. His
horse was harnished with leaden chaines, hauing the outside guilt, or at
least saffrond in stead of guilt, to decypher a holie or golden pretence
of a couetous purpose, the sentence _Cani capilli mei compedes_, on his
target he had a number of crawling wormes kept vnder by a blocke, the
faburthen, _Speramus lucent_. The fift was the forsaken knight, whose
helmet was crowned with nothing but cipresse and willow garlands, ouer
his armor he had on _Himens_ nuptiall robe died in a duskie yelow, and
all to be defaced and discoloured with spots & staines. The enigma,
_Nosquoque floritnus_, as who shuld saie, we haue bin in fashion, his
stead was adorned with orenge tawnie eies, such as those haue that haue
the yellowe iandies, that make all things yellow they looke vpon, with
this briefe, _Qui inuident egent_. Those that enuie are hungrie. The
sixth was the knight of the stormes, whose helmet was round moulded like
the Moone, and all his armour like waues, whereon the shine of the Moone
sleightly siluerd, perfectly represented Mooneshine in the water, his
bases were the banks or shores that bounded in the streames. The spoke
was this, _Frustra picus_, as much to say, as fruitles seruice. On his
shield he set forth a lion driuen from his praie by a dunghill cocke.
The worde, _Non vi sed voce_, not by violence but by his voice.

The seuenth had lyke the gyants that sought to scale heauen in despight
of Jupiter, a mount ouerwhelming his head and whole bodie. His bases
outlayde with armes and legges which the skirts of that mountain left
vncouered. Under this did hee characterise a man desirous to climbe
to the heauen of honour, kept vnder with the mountaine of his princes
command, and yet had hee armes and legges exempted from the suppression
of the mountaine. The word, _Tu mihi criminis author_ (alluding to his
Princes commaund) thou art the occasion of my imputed cowardise. His
horse was trapt in the earthie stringes of tree rootes, which though
their increase was stubbed downe to the grounde, yet were they not
vtterly deaded, but hop'd for an after resurrection. The worde, _Spe
alor_, I hope for a spring. Uppon his shield hee bare a ball striken
downe with a mans hand that it might mount The worde, _Ferior vt
efferar_, I suffer my selfe to bee contemned because I will climbe. The
eighth had all his armour throughout engrayled lyke a crabbed brierie
hawthorne bush, out of which notwithstanding sprung (as a good Childe
of an ill Father) fragraunt Blossomes of delightfull Maye Flowers, that
made (according to the nature of Maye) a most odoriferous smell. In
middest of this his snowie curled top, rounde wrapped together, on the
ascending of his creast sate a solitarie nightingale close encaged with
a thorne at her breast, hauing this mot in her mouth, _Luctus monumenta
manebunt_. At the foote of this bush represented on his bases, lay a
number of blacke swolne Toades gasping for winde, and Summer liu'de
grashoppers gaping after deaw, both which were choakt with excessiue
drouth, and for want of shade. The word, _Nan sine vulnere viresco_, I
spring not without impediments, alluding to the Toades and such lyke,
that earst laye sucking at his rootes, but nowe were turnd out, and
neere choakt with drought His horse was suited in blacke sandie earth
(as adiacent to this bush) which was here and there patched with short
burnt grasse, and as thicke inke dropped with toyling ants & emets
as euer it might crall, who in the full of the summer moone, (ruddie
garnished on his horses forehead) hoorded vp theyr prouision of grain
agaynst winter. The word _Victrix fortuno sapientia_, prouidence
preuents misfortune. On his shield he set forth the picture of death
doing almes deeds to a number of poore desolate children. The word,
_Nemo alius explicate_ No other man takes pittie vpon vs. What his
meaning was heerein I cannot imagine, except death had done him and his
brethren some greate good turne in ridding them of some vntoward parent
or kinsman that woulde haue beene their confusion, for else I cannot see
howe death shoulde haue beene sayde to doe almes deedes, except he
had depriued them sodainly of their liues, to deliuer them out of some
further miserie, which coulde not in anie wise bee because they were yet
liuing.

The ninth was the infant knight, who on his armour had ennameld a poore
young infant, put into a shippe without tackling, masts, furniture, or
any thing. This weather beaten and ill apparelled shippe was shaddowed
on his bases, and the slender compasse of his body set forth the right
picture of an infant The waues wherein the ship was tossed were fretted
on his steads trappings so mouingly, that euer as he offered to bounde
or stirre, they seemed to bounse, and tosse, and sparkle brine out of
theyr hoarie siluer billowes. Theyr mot, _Inopem me copia fecit_, as
much to saie, as the rich praye makes the theefe.

On his shielde hee expressed an olde Goate that made a young tree to
wither onely with biting it. The worde thereto _Primo extinguor in ouo_,
I am frostbitten ere I come out of the blade.

It were here too tedious to manifest all the discontented or amorous
deuises yt were vsed in that turnament. The shieldes onely of some few
I wil touch to make short worke. One bare for his impresse the eies of
yong swallowes comming againe after they were pluckt out, with this mot,
_Et addit et addimit_, your beautie both bereaues and restores my sight.
Another a siren smiling when the sea rageth and ships are ouerwhelmed,
including a cruell woman, that laughs, singes and scornes at her louers
tears, and the tempests of his despaire, the word _Cuncta pereunt_,
all my labor is ill imploid. A third being troubled with a curst, a
trecherous and wanton wanton wife, vsed this similitude. On his shild he
caused to be limmed _Pompeies_ ordinance for paracides, as namely a man
put into a sack with a cocke, a serpent and an ape, interpreting that
his wife was a cocke for her crowing, a serpent for her stinging, and an
ape for her vnconstant wantonnesse, with which ill qualities hee was
so beset, that thereby hee was throwen into a sea of grief. The worde
_Extremum malorum mulier_, The vtmost of euils is a woman. A fourth,
who being a person of suspected religion, was continually hanted with
intelligencers and spies that thought to praie vppon him for that hee
had, he could not deuise which waie to shape them off, but by making
away that he had. To obscure this, hee vsed no other fansie but a number
of blinde flies, whose eies the colde had closed, the word _Aurum reddit
acutissimum_, Gold is the onely phisicke for the eiesight A fifth, whose
mistres was fallen into a consumption, and yet would condiscend to no
treatie of loue, emblazond for his complaint, grapes that witherd for
want of pressing. The dittie to the mot, _Quid regna sine vsu_. I will
rehearse no more, but I haue an hundred other, let this be the vpshot
of these shewes, they were the admirablest that euer Florence yelded. To
particularize their maner of encounter, were to describe the whol art of
tilting. Some had like to haue falle ouer their horse neck and so breake
their neckes in breaking their staues. Others ranne at a buckle in stead
of a button, & peraduenture whetted their spears pointes, idlely gliding
on their enemies sides, but did no other harme. Others ranne a crosse at
theyr aduersaries left elbow, yea, and by your leaue sometimes let not
the lists scape scot-free they were so eager. Others because they
would be sure not to be vnsadled with the shocke, when they came to the
speares vtmost proofe, they threw it ouer the right shoulder, and so
tilted backward, for forwarde they durst not Another had a monstrous
spite at the pommell of his riuals saddle, and thought to haue thrust
his speare twixt his legges without rasing anie skinne, and carried
him cleane awaie on it as a coolestaffe. Another held his speare to
his nose, or his nose to his speare, as though he had ben discharging a
caliuer, and ranne at the right foote of his fellowes stead. Onely the
earle of Surry my master obserued y true measures of honor, and made all
his encounterers new scoure their armor in the dust. So great was his
glorie y daie, as _Geraldine_ was therby etemally glorifide. Neuersuch
a bountifull master came amongst the heralds (not that he did inrich the
with anie plentifull purse largesse) but that by his sterne assaultes
hee tithed them more rich offals of bases, of helmets, of armour, than
the rent of their offices came to in ten yeres before. What would you
haue more, the trumpets proclaimed him master of the field, the trumpets
proclaimed _Geraldine_ the exceptionlesse fayrest of women. Euerie one
striued to magnifie him more than other. The Duke of Florence, whose
name (as my memorie serueth me) was _Paschal de Medices_, offered him
such large proffers to staie with him as it were vncredible to report
He would not, his desire was as hee had done in Florence, so to proceede
throughout all the chiefe cities in Italy. If you aske why he began not
this at Venice first. It was because he would let Florence his mistres
natiue citie haue the maidenhead of his chiualrie. As hee came backe
againe hee thought to haue enacted something there worthie the Annals
of posteritie, but he was debard both of that and all his other
determinations, for continuing in feasting and banketting with the Duke
of Florence and the Princes of Italy there assembled, posthast letters
came to him from the king his master, to returne as speedily as he could
possible into England, wherby his fame was quite cut off by the shins,
and there was no repriue but _Bazelus manus_, hee must into England, and
I with my curtizan trauelled forward in Italy.

What aduentures happened him after we parted, I am ignorant, but
Florence we both forsooke, and I hauing a wonderful ardent inclination
to see Rome the Queen of the world, & metrapolitane mistres of all other
cities, made thether with my bag and baggage as fast as I could.

Attained thether, I was lodged at the house of one _Iohannes de Imola_ a
Roman caualiero. Who being acquainted with my curtisans deceased doting
husband, for his sake vsd vs with all the familiaritie that might be. He
shewed vs all the monuments that were to be seene, which are as many
as ther haue beene Emperours, Consuls, Orators, Conquerours, famous
painters or plaiers in Rome. Till this daie not a Romane (if he be a
right Romane in deed) will kill a rat, but he will haue some registred
remembrance of it There was a poore fellowe during my remainder ther,
that for a new trick he had inuented of killing _Cymess_ & scorpions,
had his mountebank banner hung vp on a high piller, with an inscription
about it longer than the king of Spaines stile. I thought these
_Cymesses_ like the Cimbrians had bene some strange nation hee had
brought vnder, & they were no more but things like sheepelice, which
aliue haue the venomost sting that may be, and being dead do stinke out
of measure. Saint Austen compareth heretiques vnto them. The chiefest
thing that my eyes delighted in, was the church of the 7. Sibels, which
is a most miraculous thing. All their prophesies and oracles being there
enroulde, as also the beginning and ending of their whole catalogue of
the heathen Gods, with their manner of worship. There are a number of
other shrines and statues also dedicated to their Emperors, and withal
some statues of idolatrie reserued for detestation. I was at _Pontius
Pilates_ house and pist against it There is the prison yet packt vp
together (an old rotten thing) where the man that was condemned to
death, and could haue no bodie come to him and succour him but was
searcht, was kept aliue a long space by sucking his daughters breasts.

These are but the shop dust of the sights that I saw, and in truth I dyd
not beholde with anie care hereafter to report, but contented my eie for
the present, and so let them passe. Should I memorize halfe the myracles
which they there tolde me had beene done about martyres tombes, or the
operations of the earth of the sepulchre, and other reliques brought
from Jerusalem, I should bee counted the monstrous Her that euer came in
print.

The mines of _Pompeies_ theater, reputed one of the nine wonders of the
worlde, _Gregory_ the sixths Tombe, _Priscillas_ Grate, or the thousands
of Piliers arreared amongst the raced foundations of old _Rome_, it were
heere friuolous to specifie: since he that hath but once drunke with
a traueller talkes of them. Let mee bee a Historiographer of my owne
misfortunes, and not meddle with the continued Trophees of so olde a
triumphing Citie.

At my first comming to _Rome_, I being a youth of the English cut, ware
my haire long, went apparailed in light coulours, and imitated foure or
fiue sundrie Nations in my attyre at once: which no sooner was noated,
but I had all the boyes of the Citie in a swarme wondering about mee. I
had not gone a little farther, but certaine Officers crost the waie of
me, and demanded to see my rapier: which when they found (as also my
dagger) with his poynt vnblunted, they would haue hal'd me headlong to
the Strappado, but that with money I appeased them: and my fault was
more pardonable in that I was a stranger, altogether ignorant of their
customes.

Note by the waye, that it is the vse in _Rome_, for all men whatsoeuer
to weafe their haire short: which they doo not so much for conscience
sake, or anie religion they place in it, but because the extremitie of
the heate is such there, that if they should not doo so, they should not
haue a haire left on their heads to stand vpright, when they were scard
with sprights. And hee is counted no Gentleman amongst them that goes
not in black: they dresse their iesters and fooles onely in fresh
colours, and say variable garments doo argue vnstayednes and
vnconstancie of affections.

The reason of their straight ordinaunce of carrying weapons without
points is this. The _Bandettos_ which are certaine outlawes that lye
betwixt _Rome & Naples_, and besiege the passage that none can trauell
that way without robbing: Now and then hired for some few crownes, they
wil steale to Rome and doe a murther, and betake them to their heeles
againe. Disguised as they go, they are not knowen from strangers,
sometimes they will shroude themselues vnder the habite of graue
citizens. In this consideration neither citizen nor stranger, gentleman,
knight, marques, or any may weare anie weapon endamageable vppon paine
of the strappado. I bought it out, let others buy experience of me
better cheape.

To tell you of the rare pleasures of their gardens, theyr baths, their
vineyards, their galleries, were to write a second part of the gorgeous
Gallerie of gallant deuices. Why, you should not come into anie mans
house of account, but hee had fishponds and litle orchards on the top of
his leads. If by rain or anie other meanes those ponds were so full they
need to bee fluste or let out, euen of their superfluities they made
melodious vse, for they had great winde instruments in stead of leaden
spoutes, that went duely in consort, onely with this waters rumbling
discent I saw a summer banketting house belonging to a marchant, that
was the meruaile of the worlde, & could not be matcht except God should
make another paradise. It was builte rounde of greene marble, like a
Theater without, within there was a heauen and earth comprehended both
vnder one roofe, the heauen was a cleere ouerhanging vault of christall,
wherein the Sunne and Moone, and each visible Starre had his true
similitude, shine, scituation, and motion, and by what enwrapped arte
I cannot conceiue, these spheares in their proper orbes obserued
their circular wheelings and turnings, making a certaine kinde of soft
angelical murmering musicke in their often windings & going about, which
musick the philosophers say in the true heauen by reason of the grosenes
of our senses we are not capable of. For the earth it was counterfeited
in that likenes that Adam lorded out it before his fall. A wide vast
spacious roome it was, such as we would conceit prince Arthurs hall to
be, where he feasted all his knightes of the round table together euerie
penticost The floore was painted with y beautifullest floures that euer
mans eie admired, which so lineally wer delineated, that he that viewd
them a farre off, and had not directly stood poaringly ouer them, would
haue sworne they had liued in deede. The wals round about were hedgde
with Oliues and palme trees, and all other odoriferous fruit-bearing
plants, which at anie solemne intertainment dropt mirrhe and
frankensence. Other trees y bare no fruit, were set in iust order one
against another, and diuided the roome into a number of shadie lanes,
leauing but one ouer-spreading pine tree arbour, where wee sate and
banketted. On the well clothed boughes of this conspiracie of pine
trees against the resembled Sunne beames, were pearcht as many sortes
of shrill breasted birdes, as the Summer hath allowed for singing men
in her siluane chappels. Who though there were bodies without soules,
& sweete resembled substances without sense, yet by the mathemeticall
experimentes of long siluer pipes secretly inrinded in the intrailes of
the boughs whereon they sate, and vndiscerneablie conuaid vnder their
bellies into their small throats sloaping, they whistled and freely
carold theyr naturall field note. Neyther went those siluer pipes
straight, but by many edged vnsundred writhings, & crankled wandrings
aside strayed from bough to bough into an hundred throates. But into
this siluer pipe so writhed and wandering aside, if anie demand how the
wind was breathed. Forsoth ye tail of the siluer pipe stretcht it
selfe into the mouth of a great paire of bellowes, where it was close
soldered, and bailde about with yron, it coulde not stirre or haue
anie vent betwixt. Those bellowes with the rising and falling of leaden
plummets wounde vp on a wheele, dyd beate vp and downe vncessantly, and
so gathered in wind, seruing with one blast all the snarled pipes to
and fro of one tree at once. But so closely were all those organizing
implements obscured in the corpulent trunks of the trees, that euerie
man there present renounst coniectures of art, and sayd it was done by
inchantment.

One tree for his fruit bare nothing but inchained chiriping birdes,
whose throates beeing conduit pipt with squared narrow shels, & charged
siring-wise with searching sweet water, driuen in by a little wheele for
the nonce, and fed it afarre of, made a spirting sound, such as chirping
is, in bubling vpwards through the rough crannies of their closed bils.

Under tuition of the shade of euerie tree that I haue signified to be in
this round hedge, on delightfull leauie cloysters, lay a wylde tyrannous
beast asleepe all prostrate: vnder some two together, as the Dogge
nusling his nose vnder the necks of the Deare, the Wolfe glad to let the
Lambe lye vpon hym to keepe him warme, the Lyon suffering the Asse to
cast hys legge ouer him: preferring one honest vnmannerly frend, before
a number of croutching picke-thankes. No poysonous beast there reposed,
(poyson was not before our parent _Adam_ transgressed). There were no
sweete-breathing Panthers, that would hyde their terrifying heads to
betraye: no men imitating _Hyonaes_. that chaunged their sexe to seeke
after bloud. Wolues as now when they are hungrie eate earth, so then
did they feede on earth onely, and abstained from innocent flesh. The
Unicorne did not put his home into the streame to chase away venome
before he drunke, for there was no such thing as venome extant in the
water or on the earth. Serpents were as harmlesse to mankinde, as
they are still one to another: the rose had no cankers, the leaues no
caterpillers, the sea no _Syrens_, the earth no vsurers. Goates then
bare wooll, as it is recorded in _Sicily_ they doo yet. The torride
Zone was habitable; onely Jayes loued to steale gold and siluer to build
their nests withall, and none cared for couetous clientrie, or running
to the Indies. As the Elephant vnderstands his countrey speach, so
euerie beast vnderstood what men spoke. The ant did not hoord vp against
winter, for there was no winter but a perpetuall spring, as _Ouid_
sayth. No frosts to make the greene almond tree counted rash and
improuident, in budding soonest of all other: or the mulberie tree a
strange polititian, in blooming late and ripening early. The peach tree
at the first planting was frutefull and wholesome, wheras now til it be
transplanted, it is poysonous and hatefull. Yong plants for their sap
had balme, for their yeolow gumme glistering amber. The euening deawd
not water on flowers, but honnie. Such a golden age, such a good age,
such an honest age was set foorth in this banquetting house.

O _Rome_, if thou hast in thee such soule-exalting obiects: what a
thing is heauen in comparison of thee, of which _Mercators_ globe is a
perfecter modell than thou art? Yet this I must say to the shame of vs
Protestants, if good workes may merit heauen, they doo them, we talke of
them. Whether superstition or no makes the vnprofitable seruants,
that let pulpets decide: but there, you shall haue the brauest Ladies in
gownes of beaten gold, washing pilgrimes and poore souldiours feete
and dooing nothing they and their wayting mayds all the yeare long, but
making shirts and bandes for them against they come by in distresse.
Their hospitalls are more like noblemens houses than otherwise: so
richly furnished, cleane kept, and hot perfumed, that a souldiour would
thinke it a sufficient recompence for his trauell and his wounds, to
haue such a heauenly retyring place. For the Pope and his pontificalibus
I will not deale with, onely I will dilate vnto you what hapned whiles I
was in _Rome_.

So it fell out, that it being a vehement hot summer when I was a
soiourner there, there entred such a hotspurd plague as hath not been
heard of: why it was but a word and a blow, Lord haue mercie vpon vs,
and he was gone. Within three quarters of a yere in that one citie there
dyed of it a hundred thousand: Looke in _Lanquets_ Chronicle and you
shall finde it. To smell of a nosegay, that was poysond: and turne your
nose to a house, that had the plague, it was all one. The clouds like
a number of cormorants, that keepe their corne till it stinke and is
mustie, kept in their stinking exhalations, till they had almost stifled
all _Romes_ inhabitants. Phisitions, greedines of golde made them
greedie of their destinie. They would come to visite those, with whose
infirmities their arte had no affinitie: and euen as a man with a fee
should bee hyred to hang himselfe, so would they quietly goe home and
dye presently after they had been with their patients. All day and all
night long carremen did nothing but goe vp and downe the streetes with
their carts and crye, Haue you anie dead to burie, haue you anie dead
to burie: and had manie times out of one house their whole loading: one
graue was the sepulcher of seuenscore, one bed was the altar whereon
whole families were offered.

The wals were hoard and furd with the moist scorching steam of their
desolation. Euen as before a gun is shot off, a stinking smoake funnels
out, and prepares the waie for him, so before anie gaue vp the ghost,
death araied in a stinking smoke stopt his nostrils, and cramd it selfe
full into his mouth, that closed vp his fellowes eyes, to giue him
warning to prepare for his funeral. Some dide sitting at their meate,
others as they were asking counsell of the phisition for their friendes.
I saw at the house where I was hosted, a maide bring her master warme
broth for to comfort him, and she sinke downe dead her self ere he had
halfe eate it vp.

During this time of visitation, there was a Spaniard, one _Esdras_ of
Granado, a notable Bandetto, authorized by ye pope, because he assisted
him in some murthers. This villain colleagued with one _Bartol_ a
desperate Italian, practised to breake into those rich mens houses in
the night where the plague had most rained, and if there were none but
the mistres and maid left aliue, to rauish them both, and bring awaie
all the wealth they could fasten on. In a hundred chief citizens houses
where the hand of God had bin, they put this outrage in vse. Thogh the
women so rauished cride out, none durst come nere them, for feare of
catching their deaths by them, & some thought they cried out onely with
the tyrannie of the maladie. Amongst the rest the house where I lay he
inuaded, where all being snatcht vp by the sicknesse but the good wife
of the house, a noble and chast matrone called _Heraclide_ and her
_Zanie_, and I & my curtizan, he knocking at the dore late in the night,
ranne in to the matrone, & left me and my loue to the mercie of his
companion. Who finding me in bed (as the time requird) ranne at me full
with his rapier, thinking I would resist him, but as good lucke was
I escapt him & betooke me to my pistoll in the window vncharged. He
fearing it had bene charged, threatned to run her through if I once
offered but to aime at him, Foorth ye chamber he dragd her, holding his
rapier at hir hart, whilest I stil crid out, Saue her, kil me, & Ile
ransome her with a thousand duckets: but lust preuailed, no praiers
would be heard. Into my chamber I was lockt, and watchmen charged (as he
made semblance when there was none there) to knocke me downe with their
halberdes, if I stirde but a foote downe the staires. So threw I my
selfe pensiue againe on my pallat, and dard all the deuils in hell now I
was alone to come and fight with me one after another in defence of that
detestable rape. I beat my head against the wals and cald them bauds,
because they wold see such a wrong committed, and not fall vpon him.
To returne to _Heraclide_ below, whom the vgliest of all bloud suckers
_Esdras of Granado_ had vnder shrift. First he assayled her with rough
meanes, and slew her _Zanie_ at her foote, that stept before her in
rescue. Then when al armed resist was put to flight, he assaied her with
honie speech, & promised her more iewells and giftes than hee was able
to pilfer in an hundred yeres after. He discourst vnto her how he was
countenanced and borne out by the pope, and how many execrable murthers
with impunitie he had executed on them that displeasde him. This is the
eight score house (quoth he) that hath done homage vnto me, and here I
will preuaile, or I will bee torne in pieces. Ah quoth _Heraclide_ (with
a hart renting sigh) art thou ordaind to be a worse plague to me than ye
plague it selfe? Haue I escapt the hands of God to fal into the hands of
man? Heare me _Iehouah_, & be merciful in ending my miserie. Dispatch
me incontinent dissolute homicide deaths vsurper. Here lies my husband
stone colde on the dewie floore. If thou beest of more power than God,
to strike me speedily, strike home, strike deep, send me to heauen
with my husband. Aie me, it is the spoyl of my honor thou seekest in my
soules troubled departure, thou art some deuill sent to tempt me. Auoide
from me sathan, my soule is my sauiours, to him I haue bequeathed it,
from him can no man take it. Jesu, Jesu spare mee vndefiled for thy
spouse, Jesu, Jesu neuer faile those that put their trust in thee. With
that she fell in a sowne, and her eies in their closing seemed to spaune
forth in their outward sharpe corners new created seed pearle, which the
world before neuer set eie on. Soone he rigorously reuiued her, & tolde
her yt he had a charter aboue scripture, she must yeld, she should yeld,
see who durst remoue her out of his hands. Twixt life and death thus she
faintly replied. How thinkest thou, is there a power aboue thy power,
if there be, he is here present in punishment, and on thee will take
present punishment if thou persistest in thy enterprise. In the tyme of
securitie euerie man sinneth, but when death substitutes one frend his
special bayly to arrest another by infection, and dispearseth his quiuer
into ten thousand hands at once, who is it but lookes about him? A man
that hath an vneuitable huge stone hanging only by a haire ouer his
head, which he lookes euerie Pater noster while to fall and pash him in
peeces, will not he be submissiuely sorrowfull for his transgressions,
refraine himselfe from the least thought of folly, and purifie his
spirit with contrition and penitence? Gods hand like a huge stone hangs
vneuitably ouer thy head: what is the plague, but death playing the
prouost marshall, to execute all those that wil not be called home
by anie other meanes. This my deare knights body is a quiuer of his
arrowes, which alreadie are shot into thee inuisible. Euen as the age of
goates is knowen by the knots on their homes, so think the anger of God
apparently visioned or showne vnto thee in the knitting of my browes.
A hundred haue I buried out of my house, at all whose departures I haue
been present: a hundreds infection is mixed with my breath, loe, now
I breath vpon thee, a hundred deaths come vpon thee. Repent betimes,
imagine there is a hell though not a heauen: that hell thy conscience is
throughly acquainted with, if thou hast murdred halfe so manie, as thou
vnblushingly braggest. As _Mocenas_ in the latter end of his dayes
was seuen yeres without sleepe, so these seuen weekes haue I took
no slumber, my eyes haue kept continuall watch against the diuell my
enemie: death I deemed my frend (frends flie from vs in aduersitie),
death, the diuell & al the ministring spirits of temptation are watching
about thee to intrap thy soule by my abuse to eternall damnation. It is
thy soule only thou maist saue by sauing mine honor.

Death will haue thy bodie infallibly for breaking into my house, that he
had selected for his priuate habitation. If thou euer camst of a woman,
or hop'st to be sau'd by the seed of a woman, spare a woman. Deares
oppressed with dogs, when they cannot take soyle, runne to men for
succor: to whom should women in their disconsolate and desperate estate
run, but to men like the Deare for succour and sanctuarie. If thou bee
a man thou wilt succour me, but if thou be a dog & a brute beast, thou
wilt spoile me, defile me & teare me: either renounce Gods image, or
renounce the wicked minde that thou bearest.

These words might haue moou'd a compound hart of yron and adamant, but
in his hart they obtained no impression: for he sitting in his chaire
of state against the doore all the while that she pleaded, leaning his
ouerhanging gloomie eybrowes on the pommell of his vnsheathed sword, hee
neuer lookt vp or gaue her a word: but when he perceiued shee expected
his answere of grace or vtter perdition, he start vp and took her
currishly by the neck, and askt her how long he should stay for her
Ladiship.

Thoutelst me (quoth he) of the plague, and the heauie hand of God, and
thy hundred infected breaths in one: I tel thee I haue cast the dice an
hundred times for the galleyes in _Spaine_, and yet still mist the
ill chance. Our order of casting is this, If there bee a generall
or captaine new come home from the warres, & hath some foure or fiue
hundred crownes ouerplus of the kings in his hand, & his souldiors al
paid, he makes proclamation, that whatsoeuer two resolute men will goe
to dice for it, and win the bridle or lose the saddle, to such a place
let them repaire, and it shall be ready for them. Thither go I & finde
another such needie squire resident. The dice runne, I win, he is
vndone. I winning haue the crownes, he loosing is carried to the
galleys. This is our custome, which a hundred times and more hath paid
mee custome of crownes, when the poore fellowes haue gone to _Gehenna_,
had course bread and whipping chere all their life after. Now thinkest
thou that I who so oft haue escapd such a number of hellish dangers,
only depending on the turning of a few pricks, can be scarebugd with
the plague? what plague canst thou name worse than I haue had? whether
diseases, imprisonment, pouertie, banishment, I haue past through them
all. My owne mother gaue I a box of the eare to, and brake her neck down
a pair of stairs, because she would not go in to a gentleman, when I bad
her: my sister I solde to an olde Leno, to make his best of her: anie
kinswoman that I haue, knew I shee were not a whore, my selfe would make
her one: thou art a whore, thou shalt bee a whore in spite of religion
or precise ceremonies.

Therewith he flew vpon her, and threatned her with his sword, but it
was not that he meant to wounde her with. Hee graspt her by the iuorie
throate, and shooke her as a mastiffe would shake a yong beare, swearing
& flaring he would teare out her wesand if she refused. Not content with
that sauage constraint, he slipt his sacriligious hand from her lilly
lawne skinned necke, and inscarfte it in her long siluer lockes, which
with strugling were vnrould. Backward hee dragd her, euen as a man
backward would plucke a tree downe by the twigs, and then like a traitor
that is drawen to execution on a hurdle, he traileth her vp and downe
the chamber by those tender vntwisted braids, and setting his barbarous
foote on her bare snowie breast, bad her yeeld or haue her wind stampt
out She crid, stamp, stifle me in my hair, hang me vp by it on a beame,
and so let mee die rather than I shoulde go to heauen wyth a beame in
my eie. No (quoth he) nor stampt, nor stifled, nor hanged, nor to heauen
shalt thou go til I haue had my wil of thee, thy busie armes in these
silken fetters Ile infold. Dismissing her haire from his fingers, and
pinnioning her elbowes therwithal, she strugled, she wrested, but al was
in vain. So strugling & so resisting, her iewels did sweate, signifieng
there was poison comming towards her. On the hard boords hee threw her,
and vsed his knee as an yron ram to beate ope the two leaude gate of her
chastitie. Her husbands dead bodie he made a pillow to his abhomination.
Coniecture the rest, my words sticke fast in the mire and are cleane
tyred, would I had neuer vndertooke this tragicall tale. Whatsoeuer is
borne is borne to haue end. Thus endeth my tale, his boorish lust was
glutted, his beastly desire satisfied, what in the house of any worth
was carriageable, he put vp and went his way.

Let not your sorow die, you that haue read the proeme and narration of
this elegiacal history. Shew you haue quick wits in sharpe conceit of
compassion. A woman that hath viewd all her children sacrificed before
her eies, & after the first was slaine wipt the sword with her apron to
prepare it for the clenly murther of the second, and so on forwarde till
came to the empiercing of the seuenteenth of her loines, will you not
giue her great allowance of anguish. This woman, this matrone, this
forsaken _Heraclide_, hauing buried fourteene children in fiue dayes,
whose eyes she howlingly closed, and caught many wrinckles with funerall
kisses: besides, hauing her husband within a day after layd forth as
a comfortlesse corse, a carrionly blocke, that could neither eate with
her, speak with her, nor weepe with her, is she not to be borne withall
though her bodie swells wyth a tympanie of teares, though her speach be
as impatient as vnhappy _Hecubaes_, though her head raues and her braine
doates? Deuise with your selues that you see a corse rising from
his heirce after hee is carried to Church, and such another suppose
_Heraclide_ to bee, rising from the couch of enforced adulterie.

Her eyes were dimme, her cheekes bloudlesse, her breath smelt earthie,
her countenance was ghastly. Up she rose after she was deflowred, but
loath she arose, as a reprobate soule rising to the day of iudgement.
Looking on the tone side as she rose, she spide her husbands bodie lying
vnder her head: Ah then she bewayled as _Cephaius_ when hee had kild
_Procris_ vnwittingly, or _Oedipus_ when ignorant he had slaine his owne
father, and knowen his mother incestuously. This was her subdued reasons
discourse.

Haue I liu'd to make my husbands bodie the beere to carry me to hell,
had filthie pleasure no other pillowe to leane vpon but his spreaded
limmes? On thy flesh my fault shall bee imprinted at the day of
resurrection. O beauty, the bait ordained to insnare the irreligious:
rich men are robd for theyr welth, women are dishonested for being too
faire. No blessing is beautie but a curse: curst bee the time that euer
I was begotten: curst be the time that my mother brought me forth to
tempt. The serpent in paradice did no more, the serpent in paradice
is damned sempiternally: why should not I hold my selfe damned (if
predestinations opinions be true) that am predestinate to this horrible
abuse. The hogge dieth presently if he loseth an eye: with the hogge
haue I wallowed in the myre, I haue lost my eye of honestie, it is
cleane pluckt out with a strong hand of vnchastitie: what remaineth but
I dye? Die I will, though life be vnwilling: no recompence is there
for mee to redeeme my compelled offence, but with a rigorous compelled
death. Husband, He be thy wife in heauen: let not thy pure deceasing
spirite despise me when we meete, because I am tyrannously polluted.
The diuell, the belier of our frayltie, and common accuser of mankinde,
cannot accuse me though he would of vnconstrained submitting. If anie
guilt be mine, this is my fault, that I did not deforme my face, ere it
shuld so impiously allure. Hauing passioned thus a while, she hastely
ranne and lookt her selfe in her glasse to see if her sinne were not
written on her forhead: with looking shee blusht though none lookt vpon
her but her owne reflected image.

Then began she againe. _Heu quam difficile est crimen non prodere
vultu_; How hard is it not to bewray a mans fault by his forhead. My
selfe doo but behold my selfe, and yet I blush: then God beholding me,
shall not I bee ten times more ashamed? The Angells shall hisse at mee,
the Saints and Martyrs flye from me: yea, God himselfe shall adde to
the diuels damnation, because he suffred such a wicked creature to come
before him. _Agamemnon_ thou wert an infidell, yet when thou wentst to
the Troian warre, thou leftst a Musitian at home with thy wife, who
by playing the foote _Spondous_ tyll thy returne, might keepe her in
chastitie. My husband going to warre with the diuell and his enticements
when hee surrendred, left no musition with me but mourning and
melancholy: had he left anie, as _Aegistus_ kild _Agamemnons_ musition
ere he could be succesfull, so surely would he haue been kild ere this
_Aegistus_ surceased. My distressed heart as the Hart when he looseth
his homes is astonied, and sorrowfullie runneth to hide himselfe, so bee
thou afflicted and distressed, hide thy selfe vnder the Almighties wings
of mercie: sve, plead, intreate, grace is neuer denyed to them that
aske. It may be denied, I may be a vessell ordained to dishonor. The
onely repeale we haue from Gods vndefinite chastisement, is to chastise
our selues in this world: and so I will, nought but death bee my
pennance, gracious and acceptable may it bee: my hand and my knife shall
manumit me out of the horror of minde I endure. Farewell life that hast
lent me nothing but sorrow: farewell sinne sowed flesh, that hast more
weeds than flowers, more woes than ioyes.

Point pierce, edge enwyden, I patiently affoord thee a sheath: spurre
foorth my soule to mount poast to heauen. Jesu forgiue me, Jesu receiue
me.

So throughly stabd fell she downe, and knockt her head against her
husbands bodie: wherewith, hee not hauing beene ayred his full foure and
twentie houres, start as out of a dreame: whiles I through a crannie of
my vpper chamber vnseeled, had beheld all this sad spectacle. Awaking,
hee rubd his head too and fro, and wyping his eyes with his hand began
to looke about him. Feeling some thing lye heauie on his breast, he
turnd it off, and getting vpon his legges lighted a candle.

Heere beginneth my purgatorie. For he good man comming into the hall
with the candle, and spying his wife wyth her haire about her eares
defiled and massacred, and his simple _Zanie Capestrano_ run thorough,
tooke a halberde in hys hand, and running from chamber to chamber to
search who in his house was likely to doo it, at length found me
lying on my bed, the doore lockt to me on the outside, and my rapier
vnsheathed on the windowe: wherewith hee straight coniectured it was I.
And calling the neighbours harde by, sayd I had caused my selfe to bee
lockt into my chamber after that sort, sent awaye my curtizane whome
I called my wife, and made cleane my rapier, because I would not bee
suspected. Uppon this was I laide in prison, should haue been hanged,
was brought to the ladder, had made a ballet for my farewell in a
readines called _Wiltons wantonnes_, and yet for all that scap'd dancing
in a hempen circle. He that hath gone through manie perils and returned
safe from them, makes but a merriment to dilate them. I had the knot
vnder my eare, there was faire playe, the hangman had one halter, and
another about my necke, which was fastned to the gallowes, the riding
deuice was almost thrust home, and his foote on my shoulder to presse
me downe, when I made my saint-like confession as you haue heard before,
that such & such men at such an houre brake into the house, slew the
Zanie, tooke my curtizan, lockt me into my chamber, rauisht _Heraclide_,
and finally how shee slew her selfe.

Present at the execution was there a banisht English Earle, who hearing
that a countreyman of his was to suffer for such a notable murder, came
to heare his confession, and see if hee knew him. He had not heard me
tell halfe of that I haue recited, but hee craued audience, and desired
the execution might be staid.

Not two dayes since it is Gentlemen and noble _Romanes_ (said he) since
going to be let bloud in a barbars shop agaynst the infection, all on
a suddaine in a great tumult and vproare was there brought in one
_Bartoll_ an _Italian_ greeuously wounded and bloudie. I seeming to
commiserate his harmes, courteously questiond him with what ill debters
he had met, or how or by what casualtie he came to be so arraid. O quoth
he long I haue liu'd sworne brothers in sensualitie with one _Esdras of
Granado_, fiue hundred rapes and murders haue wee committed betwixt vs.
When our iniquities were growen to the height, and God had determined to
counterchecke our amitie, wee came to the house of _Iohannes de Imola_
(whom this yong gentleman hath named) there did he iustifie al those
rapes in manner and forme as the prisoner here hath confest. But loe
an accident after, which neither he nor this audience is priuie too.
_Esdras of Granado_ not content to haue rauisht the matrone _Heraclide_
and robd her, after he had betooke hym from thence to his heeles, light
on his companion _Bartol_ with his curtizan: whose pleasing face hee had
scarce winkingly glaunc'd on, but hee pickt a quarrell with _Bartoll_ to
haue her from him. On this quarrell they fought _Bartoll_ was wounded
to the death, _Esdras_ fled, and the faire dame left to go whither she
would. This _Bartoll_ in the barbars shoppe freely acknowledged, as
both the barbar and his man, and other heere present can amply depose.
Deposed they were, their oathes went for currant, I was quit by
proclamation, to the banisht Earle I came to render thankes: when thus
he examind me and schoold me.

Countriman, tell mee what is the occasion of thy straying so farre out
of _England_ to visit this strange Nation. If it bee languages, thou
maist learne them at home, nought but lasciuiousnes is to be learned
here. Perhaps to be better accounted of than other of thy condition,
thou ambitiously vndertakest this voyage: these insolent fancies are but
_Icarus_ fethers, whose wanton wax melted against the sunne, will betray
thee into a sea of confusion. The first traueller was _Cayn_, and hee
was called a vagabond runnagate on the face of the earth. Trauaile like
the trauaile wherein smithes put wilde horses when they shoo them, is
good for nothing but to tame and bring men vnder. God had no greater
curse to lay vppon the _Israelites_, than by leading them out of their
owne countrey to liue as slaues in a strange land. That which was their
curse, we Englishmen count our chief blessednes; he is no body that hath
not traueld: wee had rather liue as slaues in another land, croutch and
cap, and bee seruile to euerie iealous Italians and proude Spaniards
humor, where wee may neyther speake looke nor doo anie thing, but what
pleaseth them, than liue as freemen and Lords in our owne countrey. He
that is a traueller must haue the backe of an asse to beare all, a tung
like the tayle of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eate what
is set before him, the eare of a merchant to heare all and say nothing:
and if this be not the highest step of thraldome, there is no libertie
or freedome. It is but a milde kind of subiection to be the seruant of
one master at once, but when thou hast a thousand thousand masters,
as the veriest botcher, tinker or cobler freeborne wil dominere ouer a
forreiner, & think to bee his better or master in company: then shalt
thou finde theres no such hell, as to leaue thy fathers house (thy
natural habitation) to liue in the land of bondage. If thou doest but
lend halfe a looke to a Romans or Italians wife, thy porredge shall bee
prepared for thee, and cost thee nothing but thy life. Chance some of
them breake a bitter iest on thee, and thou retortst it seuerly, or
seemest discontented: goe to thy chamber, & prouide a great banquet,
for thou shalt bee sure to bee visited with guests in a maske the next
night, when in kindnes and courtship thy throate shalbe cut, and the
doers returne vndiscouered. Nothing so long of memorie as a dog,
these Italians are old dogs, and will carrie an iniurie a whole age
in memorie: I haue heard of a box on the eare that hath been reuenged
thirtie yeare after. The Neopolitane carrieth the bloudiest wreakfull
minde, and is the most secrete flearing murderer. Whereupon it is growne
to a common prouerb, He giue him the Neapolitan shrug, when one meanes
to play the villaine, and makes no boast of it.

The onely precept that a traueller hath most vse of, and shall finde
most ease in, is that of _Epicharchusy Vigila & memor sis ne quid
credos_; Beleeue nothing, trust no man: yet seeme thou as thou
swallowedst all, suspectedst none, but wert easie to be gulled by euery
one. _Multi fallere docuerunt_ (as _Seneca_ saith) _dum timent falli_;
Many by showing their iealous suspect of deceit, haue made men seek more
subtill meanes to deceiue them.

Alas, our Englishmen are the plainest dealing soules that euer God put
life in: they are greedie of newes, and loue to be fed in their humors
and heare themselues flattered the best that may be. Euen as _Philemon_
a Comick Poet dyde with extreame laughter at the conceit of seeing an
Asse eate fygges: so haue the Italians no such sport, as to see poore
English asses how soberly they swallow Spanish figges deuour any hooke
baited for them. He is not fit to trauell, that cannot with the Candians
liue on serpents, make nourishing foode euen of poyson. Rats and mice
engender by licking one another, he must licke, he must croutch, he must
cogge, lye and prate, that either in the Court or a forraine Countrey
will engender and come to preferment. Bee his feature what it will,
if he be faire spoken he winneth frends: _Nonformosus erat, sed erat
facundus Vlysses; Vlysses_ the long traueller was not amiable, but
eloquent. Some alleadge, they trauell to learne wit, but I am of this
opinion, that as it is not possible for anie man to learne the Arte of
Memorie, whereof _Tully, Quintillian, Seneca, and Hermannus Buschius_
haue written so manie bookes, except he haue a naturall memorie before:
so is it not possible for anie man to attaine anie great wit by trauell,
except he haue the grounds of it rooted in him before. That wit which is
thereby to be perfected or made stayd, is nothing but _Experientia longa
malorum_; The experience of manie euills: the experience that such a
man lost his life by this folly, another by that: such a young Gallant
consumed his substance on such a Curtizan: these courses of reuenge a
Merchant of _Venice_ tooke against a Merchant of _Ferrara_: and this
poynt of iustice was shewed by the Duke vppon the murtherer. What is
heere but wee maye read in bookes and a great deale more too, without
stirring our feete out of a warme studie.

_Vobis alii ventorum prolia narrent,_ (saith Ouid) _Quasq; Scilla
infestat, quasue Charybdis aquas_. Let others tell you wonders of the
winde, How _Scalla_ or _Charybdis_ is enclinde.

     --_vos quod quisque loquetur Credite_
     --Beleeue you what they say, but neuer trie.

So let others tell you straunge accidents, treasons, poysonings, close
packings in _Frounce, Spaine and Italy_: it is no harme for you to
heare of them, but come not neere them. What is there in _Fraunce_ to
be learnd more than in _England_, but falshood in fellowship, perfect
slouenrie, to loue no man but for my pleasure, to sweare _Ah par la mort
Dieu_ when a mans hammes are scabd. For the idle Traueller, (I meane not
for the Souldiour) I haue knowen some that haue continued there by the
space of halfe a dozen yeare, and when they come home, they haue hyd
a little weerish leane face vnder a broad French hat, kept a terrible
coyle with the dust in the streete in their long cloakes of gray paper,
and spoke English strangely. Nought else haue they profited by their
trauell, saue learnt to distinguish of the true _Burdeaux_ Grape, and
knowe a cup of neate _Gascoygne_ wine, from wine of _Orleance _: yea and
peraduenture this also, to esteeme of the poxe as a pimple, to weare
a veluet patch on their face, and walke melancholy with their armes
folded.

From _Spaine_ what bringeth our Traueller? a scull cround hat of the
fashion of an olde deepe poringer, a diminutiue Aldermans ruffe with
shorte strings like the droppings of a mans nose, a close-bellied dublet
comming downe with a peake behinde as farre as the crupper, and cut off
before by the breast-boane like a partlet or neckercher, a wyde payre of
gascoynes which vngatherd would make a couple of womens ryding kyrtles,
huge hangers that haue halfe a Cowe hyde in them, a Rapyer that is
lineally descended from halfe a dozen Dukes at the least. Let his cloake
be as long or as short as you will: if long, it is fac'd with Turkey
grogeran raueld; if short, it hath a cape like a calues tung, and is
not so deep in his whole length, nor hath so much cloth in it I will
iustifie, as onely the standing cape of a Dutchmans cloake. I haue not
yet toucht all, for hee hath in eyther shoo as much taffaty for his
tyings, as would serue for an ancient: which serueth him (if you will
haue the mysterie of it) of the owne accord for a shoo-rag. A souldior
and a braggart he is (thats concluded) he ietteth strouting, dancing
on his toes with his hands vnder his sides. If you talke with him, hee
makes a dish-cloath of his owne Countrey in comparison of _Spaine_; but
if you vrge him more particularly wherein it exceeds, hee can giue no
instance, but in _Spaine_ they haue better bread than any we haue: when
(poore hungry slaues) they may crumble it into water wel enough and make
misons with it, for they haue not a good morsell of meate except it bee
salt pilchers to eate with it al the yere long: and which is more, they
are poore beggers, and lye in foule straw euery night.

_Italy_ the paradice of the earth, and the Epicures heauen, how doth
it forme our yong master? It makes him to kisse his hand like an ape,
cringe his neck like a starueling, and play at hey passe repasse come
aloft when hee salutes a man. From thence he brings the art of atheisme,
the art of epicurising, the art of whoring, the art of poysoning, the
art of Sodomitrie. The onely probable good thing they haue to keepe
vs from vtterly condemning it, is, that it maketh a man an excellent
Courtier, a curious carpet knight; which is by interpretation, a fine
close leacher, a glorious hypocrite. It is now a priuie note amongst the
better sort of men, when they would set a singular marke or brand on a
notorious villaine, to say, he hath been in _Italy_.

With the Dane and the Dutchman I will not encounter, for they are simple
honest men, that with _Danaus_ daughters do nothing but fill bottomles
tubs, & wil be drunk & snort in the midst of dinner: he hurts himselfe
onely that goes thether, hee cannot lightly be damnd, for the vintners,
the brewers, the malt-men and alewiues praye for him. Pitch and pay,
they will play all day: score and borrow, they will wysh him much
sorrowe. But lightly a man is nere the better for their praiers, for
they commit al deadly sinne for the most part of them in mingling their
drinke, the vintners in the highest degree.

Why iest I in such a necessary perswasiue discourse? I am a banisht
exile from my countrie, though nere linkt in consanguinitie to the best:
an Earle borne by birth, but a begger now as thou seest. These many
yeres in _Italy_ haue I liu'd an outlaw. A while I had a liberall
pension of the Pope, but that lasted not, for he continued not: one
succeeded him in his chaire, that car'd neither for Englishmen nor his
owne countrimen. Then was I driu'n to picke vp my crums amongst the
Cardinals, to implore the beneuolence & charitie of al the Dukes of
Italy whereby I haue since made a poore shift to liue, but so liue, as I
wish my selfe a thousand times dead.

_Cumpatriam amisi, tunc me periisse putato_. When I was banisht, thinke
I caught my bane.

The sea is the natiue soyle to fishes, take fishes from the sea, they
take no ioy nor thriue, but perish straight. So likewise the birds
remoued from the aire (the abode wherto they were borne) the beasts from
the earth, and I from _England_. Can a lambe take delight to be suckled
at the brests of a she-wolfe? I am a lambe nourisht with the milke of
wolues, one that with the Ethiopians inhabiting ouer against _Meroe_,
feede on nothing but scorpions: vse is another nature, yet ten times
more contentiue, were nature restored to her kingdome from whence shee
is excluded. Beleeue mee, no aire, no bread, no fire, no water agree
with a man, or dooth him anye good out of his owne countrey. Colde
frutes neuer prosper in a hot soile, nor hot in a cold. Let no man for
any transitorie pleasure sell away the inheritance of breathing he hath
in the place where he was born. Get thee home my yong lad, lay thy bones
peaceably in the sepulcher of thy fathers, waxe old in ouerlooking thy
grounds, bee at hand to close the eyes of thy kinred. The diuell and I
am desperate, he of being restored to heauen, I of being recalled home.

Here he held his peace and wept. I glad of any opportunitie of a full
poynt to part from him, told him I tooke his counsaile in worth, what
laye in mee to requite in loue should not bee lacking. Some businesse
that concerned mee highly cald mee away verie hastely, but another time
I hop'd wee should meete. Verie hardly he let me goe, but I earnestly
ouerpleading my occasions, at length he dismist mee, told mee where his
lodging was, and charged mee to visite him without excuse very often.

Heeres a stirre thought I to my selfe after I was set at libertie, that
is worse than an vpbrayding lesson after a britching: certainly if I had
bethought mee like a rascall as I was, hee should haue had an auemarie
of mee for his cynicke exhortation. God plagud mee for deriding such a
graue fatherly aduertiser. List the worst throw of ill luckes.

Tracing vp and downe the City to seeke my Curtizan till the euening
began to growe well in age, it fortuned, the Element as if it had dronke
too much in the afternoone, powrde downe so profoundly, that I was forst
to creepe like one afraid of the Watch close vnder the pentises, where
the cellar doore of a Jewes house called _Zadoch_ (ouer which in my
direct waye I did passe) beeing vnbard on the inside, ouer head and
eares I fell into it as a man falls in a ship from the oreloope into the
holde: or as in an earthquake the ground should open, and a blinde man
come feeling pad pad ouer the open Gulph with his staffe, should stumble
on sodaine into hell. Hauing worne out the anguish of my fall a little
with wallowing vp and downe, I cast vp myne eyes to see vnder what
Continent I was: and loe, (O destenie) I sawe my Curtizane kissing verie
louingly with a prentise. My backe and my sides I had hurt with my fall,
but now my head sweld & akt worse than both. I was euen gathering winde
to come vpon her with a full blast of contumely, when the Jewe (awakde
with the noyse of my fall) came bustling downe the staires, and raysing
his other semants, attached both the Curtizane and mee for breaking his
house, and conspiring with his prentise to rob him.

It was then the lawe in _Rome_, that if anie man had a fellon falne into
his hands, eyther by breaking into his house, or robbing him by the high
way, hee might choose whether he would make him his bondman, or hang
him. _Zadoch_ (as all Jewes are couetous) casting with himselfe hee
should haue no benefite by casting mee off the ladder, had another
policie in his head: hee went to one Doctour _Zacharie_ the popes
phisition, that was a Jewe and his Countreyman likewise, and tolde him
hee had the finest bargaine for him that might bee. It is not concealed
from mee (sayth he) that the time of your accustomed yearely Anatomie
is at hand, which it behooues you vnder forfeiture of the foundation of
your Colledge verie carefully to prouide for. The infection is great,
and hardly will you get a sound bodie to deale vpon: you are my
Countreyman, therefore I come to you first. Bee it knowen vnto you,
I haue a young man at home falne to me for my bondman, of the age of
eighteene, of stature tall, streight limm'd, of as cleere a complection
as anie painters fancie can imagine: goe too, you are an honest man, and
one of the scattered Children of _Abraham_ you shall haue him for fiue
hundred crownes. Let mee see him quoth Doctour _Zacharie_, and I
will giue you as much as another. Home hee sent for mee, pinniond and
shackeld I was transported alongst the streete: where passing vnder
_Iulianaes_ the Marques of _Mantuaes_ wiues window, that was a lustie
_Bona Roba_ one of the popes concubines, as she had her casement halfe
open, she lookt out and spide me. At the first sight she was enamored
with my age and beardles face, that had in it no ill signe of
phisiognomie fatall to fetters: after me shee sent to know what I was,
wherein I had offended, and whether I was going? My conducts
resolued them all. She hauing receiued this answere, with a lustfull
collachrimation lamenting my Jewish Premunire, that bodie and goods I
should lyght into the hands of such a cursed generation, inuented the
meanes of my release.

But first Ile tel you what betided me after I was brought to Doctour
_Zacharies_.

The purblinde Doctour put on his spectacles and lookt vppon mee: and
when he had throughly viewd my face, he caused mee to bee stript
naked, to feele and grope whether each lim were sound, and my skin
not infected. Then hee pierst my arme to see how my bloud ranne: which
assayes and searchings ended, he gaue _Zadoch_ hys full price and sent
him away, then lockt mee vp in a darke chamber till the day of anatomie.

O the cold sweating cares which I conceiued after I knew I should be cut
like a French summer dublet. Me thought already the bloud began to
gush out at my nose: if a flea on the arme had but bit me, I deemed the
instrument had prickt me. Well, well, I maye scofle at a shrowde turne,
but theres no such readye waye to make a man a true Christian, as to
perswade himselfe he is taken vp for an anatomie. Ile depose I praid
then more than I did in seauen yeare before. Not a drop of sweate
trickeled downe my breast and my sides, but I dreamd it was a smooth
edgde razor tenderly slicing down my breast and my sides. If any knockt
at doore.

I supposed it was the beadle of Surgeons Hall come for mee. In the night
I dreamd of nothing but Phlebotomie, bloudy fluxes, incamatiues, running
vlcers. I durst not let out a wheale for feare through it I should bleed
to death. For meate in this distance I had plum-porredge of purgations
ministred mee one after another to clarifie my bloud, that it should
not lye doddered in the flesh. Nor did he it so much for clarifying
phisicke, as to saue charges. Miserable is that mouse that liues in a
Phisitions house, _Tantalus_ liues not so hunger-starud in hell, as shee
doth there. Not the very crams that fall from his table, but Zachary
sweepes together, and of them mouldes vp a Manna. Of the ashie parings
of his bread, he would make conserue of chippings. Out of boanes after
the meate was eaten off, hee would alchumize an oyle, that he sold for a
shilling a dramme. His snot and spittle a hundred tymes he hath put
ouer to hys Apothecarie for snowe water. Any Spider he would temper to
perfect Mithridate. His rheumatique eyes when he went in the winde,
or rose early in a morning, dropt as coole allom water as you would
request. He was dame Niggardize sole heyre and executor.

A number of olde bookes had he eaten with the moathes and wormes, now
all daye would not hee studye a dodkin, but picke those wormes and
moathes out of his Librarie, and of their mixture make a preseruatiue
against the plague. The licour out of his shooes he would wring to make
a sacred balsamum against barrennes. Spare we him a line or two, &
looke backe to _Iuliana_, who conflicted in hir thoughts about me verie
debatefully, aduentured to send a messenger to Doctour _Zacharie_ in her
name, verie boldly to beg me of him, and if shee might not beg me,
to buy me with what summes of monie soeuer he would aske. _Zacharie_
iewishly and churlishly withstood both her sutes, and sayde if there
were no more Christians on the earth, he would thrust his incision knife
into his throate-boule immediatly. Which replie she taking at his hands
most despitefully, thought to crosse him ouer the shins with as sore
an ouertwhart blow yet ere a moneth to an end. The pope (I knowe not
whether at her intreatie or no) within two dayes after fell sicke,
Doctor _Zacharie_ was sent for to minister vnto him, who seeing a little
danger in his water, gaue him a gentle confortatiue for the stomack, and
desired those neere about him to perswade his holynes to take some rest,
and hee doubted not but he would be forthwith well. Who should receiue
this mild phisicke of him but the concubine _Iuliana_ his vtter enimie,
shee beeing not vnprouided of strong poison at that instant, in the
popes outward chamber so mingled it, that when his grande sublimitie
taster came to relish it, he sunke downe starke dead on the pauement.
Herewith the pope cald _Iuliana_, and askt her what strong concocted
broth she had brought him. She kneeled downe on her knees, and sayd it
was such as _Zacliarie_ the Jew had deliuered her with his owne hands,
and therefore if it misliked his holines she craued pardon. The Pope
without further sifting into the matter, woulde haue had _Zacharie_ and
all Jewes in Rome put to death, but shee hung about his knees, & with
crocodile teares desired him the sentence might bee lenified, and they
bee all but banisht at most. For doctor _Zacliary_ quoth she, your ten
times vngrateful phisition, since notwithstanding his trecherous intent,
he hath much art, and many soueraigne simples, oiles, gargarismes and
sirups in his closet and house that may stand your mightines in stead,
I begge all his goods onely for your beatitudes preseruation and good.
This request at the first was seald with a kisse, and the popes edict
without delaye proclaimed throughout Rome, namely, that all foreskinne
clippers whether male or female belonging to the old Jurie, should
depart and auoyde vpon payne of hanging within twentie dayes after the
date thereof.

_Iuliana_ two dayes before the proclamation came out, sent her seruants
to extend vppon _Zacharies_ territories, his goods, his mooueables, his
chattels and his seruants: who perfourmed their commission to the vtmost
title, and left him not so much as master of an vrinall case or a candle
boxe. It was about sixe a clocke in the euening, when those boot-halers
entred: into my chamber they rusht, when I sate leaning on my elbow, and
my left hand vnder my side, deuising what a kinde of death it might be
to be let bloud till a man dye. I cald to minde the assertion of some
Philosophers, who said the soule was nothing but bloud: then thought I,
what a filthie thing were this, if I should let my soule fall and breake
his necke into a bason. I had but a pimple rose with heate in that part
of the veyne where they vse to pricke, and I fearfully misdeemed it was
my soule searching for passage. Fie vppon it, a mans breath to bee let
out a backe-doore, what a villanie it is? To dye bleeding is all one as
if a man should dye pissing. Good drink makes good bloud, so that pisse
is nothing but bloud vnder age. _Seneca_ and _Lucan_ were lobcockes to
choose that death of all other: a pigge or a hogge or anie edible brute
beast a cooke or a butcher deales vpon, dyes bleeding. To dye with a
pricke, wherewith the faintest hearted woman vnder heauen would not be
kild, O God it is infamous.

In this meditation did they seaze vpon mee, in my cloake they muffeld
mee that no man might knowe mee, nor I see which waye I was carried.
The first ground I toucht after I was out of _Zacharies_ house, was
the Countesse _Iulianaes_ chamber: little did I surmise that fortune
reserued mee to so faire a death. I made no other reckoning all the
while they had mee on their shoulders, but that I was on horse-backe to
heauen, and carried to Church on a beere, excluded for euer for drinking
anie more ale or beere. _Iuliana_ scornfully questiond them thus (as if
I had falne into her hands beyond expectation), what proper apple-squire
is this you bring so suspitiously into my chamber? what hath he done?
where had you him? They aunswered likewise a farre of, that in one
of _Zacharies_ chambers they found him close prisoner, and thought
themselues guiltie of the breach of her Ladiships commaundement if
they should haue left him behinde. O quoth she, ye loue to bee double
diligent, or thought peraduenture that I being a lone woman stood in
neede of a loue. Bring you me a princockes beardlesse boy (I knowe not
whence hee is, nor whether he would) to call my name in suspense? I tell
you, you haue abused me, and I can hardly brook it at your hands. You
should haue lead him to the Magistrate, no commission receiued you of
me but for his goods and his seruants. They besought her to excuse their
ouerweening errour, it proceeded from a zealous care of their duetie,
and no negligent default But why should not I coniecture the worst quoth
she? I tell you troth, I am halfe in a iealozie hee is some fantasticall
amorous yonckster, who to dishonor me hath hyr'd you to this stratagem.
It is a likely matter that such a man as _Zacharie_ should make a prison
of his house, and deale in matters of state. By your leaue sir gallant,
vnder locke and key shal you stay with me, till I haue enquirde further
of you, you shall be sifted thoroughly ere you and I part Goe maide shew
him to the further chamber at the ende of the gallerie that lookes into
the garden: you my trim pandars I pray garde him thether as you tooke
paines to bring him hether. When you haue so done, see the dores be made
fast, and come your way. Heere was a wily wench had her liripoop without
book, she was not to seeke in her knackes and shifts: such are all
women, not one of them but hath a cloak for the raine, and can bleare
her husbands eyes as she list. Not too much of this madam Marques at
once: wele step a little backe, and dilate what _Zadoch_ the Jew did
with my curtizan, after he had sold me to _Zacharie_. Of an ill tree I
hope you are not so ill sighted in grafting to expect good frute: he was
a Jew, & intreated her like a Jew. Under shadow of enforcing her to tell
how much money she had of his prentice so to bee trayned to his cellar,
hee stript her, and scourgd her from top to toe tantara. Day by day
hee disgested his meate with leading her the measures. A diamond
Delphinicall drye leachour it was.

The ballet of the whipper of late dayes here in England, was but a
scoffe in comparison of him. All the colliers of Romford, who hold
their corporation by yarking the blind beare at Paris garden, were but
bunglers to him, he had the right agility of the lash, there were none
of them could made the cord come aloft with a twange halfe like him.
Marke the ending, marke the ending. The tribe of Juda is adiudged
from Rome to bee trudging, they may no longer be lodged there, all
the Albumazers, Rabisacks, Gedeons, Tebiths, Benhadads, Benrodans,
Zedechiahs, Halies of them were banquerouts and turnd out of house
and home. _Zacharie_ came running to _Zadochs_ in sack cloth and ashes
presently after his goods were confiscated and tolde him how he was
serued, and what decree was comming out against them all. Descriptions
stand by, heere is to be expressed the furie of Lucifer when he was
turnd ouer heauen barre for a wrangler. There is a toad fish, which
taken out of the water swels more than one would thinke his skin could
holde, and bursts in his face that toucheth him. So swelled _Zadoch_,
and was readie to burst out of his skinne, and shoote his bowels like
chaine-shot full at _Zacharies_ face for bringing him such balefull
tidings, his eies glared and burnt bliewe like brimstone and _aqua vito_
set on fire in an egshell, his verie nose lightned glow-wormes, his
teeth crasht and grated together, like the ioynts of a high building
cracking and rocking like a cradle, when as a tempest takes her full but
against his broad side. He swore, he curst, and said, these be they
that worshippe that crucifide God of Nazareth, heres the fruits of their
newfound gospell, sulphur and gunpouder carry them all quick to Gehenna.
I would spend my soule willingly, to haue this triple headed Pope with
all his sin-absolued whores, and oile-greased priests borne with a
blacke sant on the deuills backes in procession to the pit of perdition.
Would I might sinke presently into ye earth, so I might blow vp this
Rome, this whore of _Babylon_ into the aire with my breath. If I must
be banisht, if those heathen dogs will needes rob me of my goods, I wyll
poyson their springs and conduit heades, whence they receiue all their
water round about the citie, He tice all the yong children into my house
that I can get, and cutting their throates barrell them vp in poudring
beefe tubbes, and so send them to victuall the popes galleyes. Ere
the officers come to extend, Ile bestowe a hundred pound on a doale of
bread, which Ile cause to bee kneaded with Scorpions oy le that may
kill more than the plague. Ile hire them that make their wafers or
sacramentarie gods to minge them after the same sort, so in the zeale
of their superstitious religion, shall they languish and droup like
carrion. If there be euer a blasphemous coniurer, that can call the
windes from their brazen caues, and make the cloudes trauell before
their time, Ile giue him the other hundred pounds to disturbe the
heauens a whole weeke together with thunder and lightning, if it bee for
nothing but to sowre all the wines in _Rome_, and turne them to vinegar.
As long as they haue either oyle or wine, this plague feedes but
pinglingly vpon them.

_Zadoch, Zadoch_ said Doctor _Zacharie_, (cutting him off) thou
threatenest the aire, whiles wee perish heere on earth. It is the
Countesse _Iuliana_ the Marquesse of _Mantuaes_ wife and no other, that
hath complotted our confusion. Aske not how, but insist in my words, and
assist in reuenge.

As how, as how, said _Zadoch_, shrugging and shrubbing. More happie than
the Patriarches were I, if crusht to death with the greatest torments
_Romes_ tyrants haue tride, there might be quintessenst out of me one
quart of precious poyson. I haue a leg with an issue, shall I cut it
off, and from his fount of corruption extract a venome worse than anie
serpents? If thou wilt, Ile goe to a house that is infected, where
catching the plague, and hauing got a running sore vpon me, Ile come
and deliuer her a supplication, and breathe vpon her. I know my breath
stinkes so alreadie, that it is within halfe a degree of poyson. Ile pay
her home if I perfect it with any more putrifaction.

No, no brother _Zadoch_ answered _Zacharie_, that is not the way.
Canst thou prouide mee ere a bondmaide, indued with singular & diuine
qualified beautie, whome as a present from our synagogue thou maist
commend vnto her, desiring her to be good and gracious vnto vs.

I haue, I am for you quoth _Zadoch_: _Diamante_ come forth. Heeres a
wench (said he) of as cleare a skin as _Susanna_, shee hath not a wemme
on her flesh from the soale of the foote to the crowne of the head: how
thinke you master doctor, will shee not serue the turne?

She will, said _Zacharie_: and therefore Ile tell you what charge I
would haue committed to her. But I care not if I disclose it onely to
her. Maid, (if thou beest a maid) come hether to mee, thou must be sent
to the countesse of _Mantuaes_ about a small peece of seruice, whereby
being now a bond woman thou shalt purchase freedome, and gaine a large
dowrie to thy marriage. I know thy master loues thee derely though hee
will not let thee perceiue so much, hee intends after hee is dead to
make thee his heire, for he hath no children: please him in that I shall
instruct thee, and thou art made for euer. So it is, that the pope is
farre out of liking with the countesse of _Mantua_ his concubine,
and hath put his trust in me his phisition to haue her quietly and
charitably made away. Now I cannot intend it, for I haue manie cures in
hand which call vpon me hourely: thou if thou beest plac'd with her as
her waiting maid or cup-bearer, maist temper poyson with her broth, her
meate, her drinke, her oyles, her sirrups, and neuer bee bewraid. I will
not say whether the pope hath heard of thee, and thou maist come to bee
his lemman in her place, if thou behaue thy selfe wisely. What, hast
thou the heart to go thorough with it or no? _Diamante_ deliberating
with her selfe in what hellish seruitude she liu'd with the Jew, and
that she had no likelihood to be releast of it, but fall from euill to
worse if she omitted this opportunitie, resigned her selfe ouer wholly
to be disposed and emploid as seemed best vnto them. Therevpon, without
further consultation, her wardrop was richly rigd, her tongue smooth
fil'd & new edg'd on the whetstone, her drugs deliuerd her, and
presented she was by _Zadoch_ her master to the countesse, together with
some other slight new-fangles, as from the whole congregation, desiring
her to stand their merciful mistresse, and sollicite the Pope for them,
that through one mans ignorant offence were all generally in disgrace
with him, and had incurred the cruell sentence of losse of goods and of
banishment.

_Iuliana_ liking wel the pretie round face of my black browe _Diamante_,
gaue the Jew better countenance than otherwise she would haue done,
and told him for her owne part shee was but a priuate woman, and could
promise nothing confidently of his holines: for though he had suffred
himselfe to bee ouerruled by her in some humors, yet in this that tutcht
him so nerely, she knew not how he would be enclind: but what lay in her
either to pacifie or perswade him they should be sure of, and so crau'd
his absence.

His backe turnd, shee askt _Diamante_ what countrey woman she was,
what frends she had, and how shee fell into the hands of that Jew? She
answered, that she was a _Magnificoes_ daughter of _Venice_, stolne when
she was yong from her frends, and sold to this Jew for a bondwoman, who
(quoth she) hath vsde me so iewishly and tyrannously, that for euer I
must celebrate the memorie of this day, wherein I am deliuered from his
Jurisdiction. Alas (quoth she deep sighing) why did I enter into anie
mention of my owne misusage? It will be thought that that which I am now
to reueale, proceeds of mallice not truth. Madam, your life is sought by
these Jewes that sue to you. Blush not, nor be troubled in your minde,
for with warning I shall arme you against all their intentions. Thus
and thus (quoth she) said doctor _Zacharie_ vnto me, this poyson he
deliuered me. Before I was cald in to them, such and such consultation
through the creuise of the dore fast lockt did I heare betwixt them.
Denie it if they can, I will iustifie it: onely I beseech you to be
fauorable Ladie vnto me, and let me not fall againe into the hands of
those vipers.

_Iuliana_ said little but thought vnhappely, onely she thankt her for
detecting it, and vowed though she were her bond woman to be a mother
vnto her. The poyson she tooke of her, and set it vp charily on a shelfe
in her closet, thinking to keepe it for some good purposes: as for
example, when I was consumed and worne to the bones through her abuse,
she would giue me but a dram too much, and pop mee into a priuie. So
shee had seru'd some of her paramours ere that, and if God had not sent
_Diamante_ to be my redeemer, vndoubtedly I had drunke of the same cup.

In a leafe or two before was I lockt vp: heere in this page the foresaid
goodwife Countesse comes to me, shee is no longer a iudge but a client.
How she came, in what manner of attyre, with what immodest and vncomely
words shee courted me, if I should take vpon me to enlarge, all modest
eares would abhorre me. Some inconuenience she brought me too by her
harlot-like behauiour, of which inough I can neuer repent me.

Let that bee forgiu'n and forgotten, fleshly delights could not make her
slothfull or slumbring in reuenge against _Zadoch_. Shee set men about
him to incense and egge him on in courses of discontentment, and
other supervising espialls, to plye followe and spurre for-warde those
suborning incensers. Both which playd their parts so, that _Zadoch_ of
his own nature violent, swore by the arke of _Iehoua_ to set the whole
citie on fire ere he went out of it. _Zacharie_ after he had furnisht
the wench with the poyson, and giu'n her instructions to goe to the
diuell, durst not staye one houre for feare of disclosing, but fled to
the Duke of _Burbon_ that after sackt Rome, & there practised with his
bastardship all the mischief against the pope and _Rome_ that enuie
could put into his minde. _Zadoch_ was left behinde for the hangman.
According to his oath, he prouided balls of wilde fire in a readines,
and laid traines of gunpouder in a hundred seuerall places of the citie
to blow it vp, which hee had set fire too, as also bandied his balls
abroad, if his attendant spies had not taken him with ye manner. To the
straightest prison in _Rome_ he was dragged, where from top to toe he
was clogd with fetters and manacles. _Iuliana_ informed the pope of
_Zacharies_ and his practise, _Zachary_ was sought for, but _non est
inuentus_, he was packing long before. Commaundement was giu'n, that
_Zadoch_ whom they had vnder hand and seale of locke and key, should be
executed with all the fiery torments that could be found out.

He make short worke, for I am sure I haue wearied all my readers. To the
execution place was he brought, where first and formost he was stript,
then on a sharpe yron stake fastened in the ground, had he his fundament
pitcht, which stake ran vp along into his bodie like a spit, vnder his
arme-hoales two of like sort, a great bonfire they made round about him,
wherewith his flesh rosted not burnd: and euer as with the heate his
skinne blistered, the fire was drawne aside, and they basted him with
a mixture of Aqua fortis, allam water, and Mercury sublimatum, which
smarted to the very soule of him, and searcht him to the marrowe. Then
did they scourge hys backe parts so blistered and basted, with burning
whips of red hot wire: his head they noynted ouer with pitch and
tarre, and so enflamed it. To his priuie members they tied streaming
fierworkes, the skinne from the crest of his shoulder, as also from his
elbowes, his huckle bones, his knees, his ankles they pluckt and gnawd
off with sparkling pincers: hys breast and his belly with seale skins
they grated ouer, which as fast as they grated & rawed, one stoode ouer
and lau'd with smithes cindry water and _aqua vito_: his nayles they
halfe raised vp, and then vnderpropt them with Sharpe prickes like a
taylers shop windowe halfe open on a holiday: euerie one of his fingers
they rent vp to the wrist: his toes they brake off by the rootes, and
let them still hang by a little skinne. In conclusion, they had a small
oyle fire, such as men blow light bubbles of glasse with, and beginning
at his feet, they let him lingringly burne vp limme by limme, till his
hart was consumed, and then he died. Triumph women, this was the end
of the whipping Jew, contriued by a woman, in reuenge of two women, her
selfe and her maid.

I haue told you or should tell you in what credit _Diamante_ grew with
her mistres. _Iuliana_ neuer dreamed but she was an authenticall maide:
she made her the chiefe of her bed chamber, she appointed none but her
to looke into me, and serue me of such necessaries as I lacked. You must
suppose when wee met there was no small reioycing on either part, much
like the three Brothers that went three seuerall wayes to seeke their
fortunes, and at the yeres end at those three crosse waies met againe,
and told one another how they sped: so after we had been long asunder
seeking our fortunes, wee commented one to another most kindly, what
crosse haps had encountred vs. Nere a six houres but the Countesse cloyd
mee with her companie. It grew to this passe, that either I must finde
out some miraculous meanes of escape, or drop away in a consumption, as
one pin'd for lacke of meate: I was cleane spent and done, there was no
hope of me.

The yere held on his course to domes day, when Saint _Peters_ day
dawned. That day is a day of supreme solemnitie in _Rome_, when the
Embassador of _Spaine_ comes and presents a milke white iennet to the
pope, that kneeles downe vppon his owne accord in token of obeisaunce
and humilitie before him, and lets him stride on his backe as easie as
one strides ouer a blocke: with this iennet is offered a rich purse of
a yard length, full of Peter-pence. No musique that hath the gift of
vtterance, but sounds all the while: coapes and costly vestments decke
the hoarsest and beggerliest singing man, not a clarke or sexten is
absent, no nor a mule nor a foote-cloth belonging to anie cardinall, but
attends on the taile of the triumph. The pope himselfe is borne in his
pontificalibus thorough the _Burgo_ (which is the cheefe streete in
_Rome_) to the Embassadors house to dinner, and thether resorts all the
assembly: where if a Poet should spend all his life time in describing a
banquet, he could not feast his auditors halfe so wel with words, as he
doth his guests with iunkets.

To this feast _Iuliana_ addressed her selfe like an Angell: in a littour
of greene needle-worke wrought like an arbor, and open on euerie side
was she borne by foure men, hidden vnder cloth rough plushed and wouen
like eglantine and wood-bine. At the foure corners it was topt with
foure round christall cages of Nightingales. For foote men, on either
side of her went foure virgins clad in lawne, with lutes in their hands
playing. Next before her two and two in order, a hundred pages in sutes
of white cipresse, and long horsemens coates of cloth of siluer: who
being all in white, aduanced euery one of them her picture, enclosed
in a white round screene of feathers, such as is carried ouer great
Princesses heads when they ride in summer, to keepe them from the heate
of the sun. Before the went a foure-score bead women she maintaind in
greene gownes, scattring strowing hearbs and floures, After her followed
the blinde, the halt and the lame sumptuously apparailed like Lords: and
thus past she on to Saint _Peters_.

_Interea quid agitur donti_, how ist at home all this while. My curtizan
is left my keeper, the keyes are committed vnto her, she is mistres _fac
totunt_. Against our countesse we conspire, packe vp all her iewels,
plate, money that was extant, and to the water side send them: to
conclude, couragiously rob her, and run away. _Quid non auri sacra
fames_? What defame will not golde salue. Hee mistooke himselfe that
inuented the prouerbe, _Dimicandum est pro aris & fama_: for it should
haue been _pro auro & fama_: not for altares and fires we must contend,
but for gold and fame.

Oares nor winde could not stirre nor blow faster, than we toyld out of
_Tiber_; a number of good fellowes would giue size ace and the dice that
with as little toyle they could leaue Tyburne behinde them. Out of ken
we were ere the Countesse came from the feast When she returned and
found her house not so much pestred as it was wont, her chests her
closets and her cupbords broke open to take aire, and that both I and my
keeper was missing: O then shee fared like a franticke Bacchinall, she
stampt, she star'd, shee beate her head against the walls, scratcht her
face, bit her fingers, and strewd all the chamber with her haire.
None of her seuants durst stay in her sight, but she beate them out
in heapes, and bad them goe seeke search they knew not where, and hang
themselues, and neuer looke her in the face more, if they did not hunt
vs out. After her furie had reasonably spent it selfe, her breast began
to swell with the mother, caused by her former fretting & chafing, and
she grew verie ill at ease. Whereuppon shee knockt for one of her maids,
and had her run into her closet, and fetch her a little glasse that
stood on the vpper shelfe, wherein there was _spiritus vini_. The maid
went, & mistaking tooke the glasse of poyson which _Diamante_ had giu'n
her, and she kept in store for me. Comming with it as fast as her legs
could carrie her, her mistres at her returne was in a swound, and lay
for dead on the floore, wherat she shrikt out, and fel a rubbing &
chafing her very busily. When that would not serue, she tooke a keye and
opened her mouth, and hauing heard that _spiritus vini_ was a thing of
mightie operation, able to call a man from death to life, shee tooke the
poyson, and verely thinking it to be _spiritus vini_ (such as she was
sent for) powrd a large quantitie of it into her throate, and iogd on
her backe to disgest it. It reuiu'd her with a merrie vengeance, for it
kilde her outright: only she awakend and lift vp her hands, but spake
nere a word. Then was the maid in her grandames beanes, and knew not
what should become of her: I heard the Pope tooke pitie on her, and
because her trespasse was not voluntary but chancemedly, he assigned her
no other punishment but this, to drinke out the rest of the poyson in
the glasse that was left, and so goe scot-free. We carelesse of these
mischances, helde on our flight, and saw no man come after vs but we
thought had pursued vs. A theefe they say mistakes euerie bush for a
true man, thewinde ratled not in anie bush by the way as I rode, but I
straight drew my rapier. To _Bolognia_ with a merrie gale wee posted,
where wee lodged our selues in a blinde streete out of the way, and kept
secret manie dayes: but when we perceiued we saild in the hauen, that
the winde was layd, and no alarum made after vs, we boldly came abroad:
& one day hearing of a more desperat murdrer than _Cayn_ that was to
be executed, we followed the multitude, and grutcht not to lend him our
eyes at his last parting.

Who should it bee but one _Cutwolfe_, a wearish dwarfish writhen fac'd
cobler, brother to _Bartoll_ the Italian, that was confederate with
_Esdras_ of _Granado_, and at that time stole away my curtizan, when he
rauisht _Heraclide_.

It is not so naturall for me to epitomize his impietie, as to heare him
in his owne person speake vppon the wheele where he was to suffer.

Prepare your eares and your teares, for neuer till this thrust I anie
tragicall matter vpon you. Strange and wonderfull are Gods iudgements,
heere shine they in their glory. Chast _Heraclide_ thy bloud is laid
vp in heauens treasurie, not one drop of it was lost, but lent out to
vsurie: water powred forth sinkes downe quietly into the earth, but
bloud spilt on the ground sprinkles vp to the firmament. Murder is
wide-mouthd, and will not let God rest till he grant reuenge. Not onely
the bloud of the slaughtred innocent but the soule ascendeth to his
throne, and there cries out & exclaimes for iustice and recompence.
Guiltles soules that liue euerie houre subiect to violence, and with
your despairing feares doo much empaire Gods prouidence: fasten your
eyes on this spectacle that will adde to your faith. Referre all your
oppressions afflictions and iniuries to the euen ballanced eye of the
Almightie, hee it is, that when your patience sleepeth, will bee most
exceeding mindfull of you.

This is but a glose vpon the text: thus _Cutwolfe_ begins his insulting
oration.

Men and people that haue made holy-daie to behold my pained flesh toile
on the wheele. Expect not of me a whining penitent slaue, that shal do
nothing but crie and saie his praiers, and so be crusht in peeces. My
bodie is little, but my minde is as great as a Giants: the soule which
is in mee, is the verie soul of _Iulius Cosar_ by reuersion. My name is
_Cutwolfe_, neither better nor worse by occupation, than a poore cobler
of _Verona_, coblers are men and kings are no more. The occasion of my
comming hether at this present, is to haue a fewe of my bones broken
(as we are all borne to die) for being the death of the Emperour of
homicides _Esdras of Granado_. About two yeares since in the streetes
of _Rome_ he slew the onely and eldest brother I had named _Bartoll_, in
quarrelling about a curtizan. The newes brought to me as I was sitting
in my shop vnder a stall knocking in of tackes, I think I raisd vp my
bristles, solde pritchaule, spunge, blacking tub, and punching yron,
bought mee rapier and pistoll, and to goe I went. Twentie months
together I pursued him, from _Rome to Naples, from Naples to Caiete
passing ouer the riuer, from Caiete to Syenna, from Syenna to Florence,
from Florence to Parma, from Parma to Pauia, from Pauia to Syon, from
Syon to Geneua, from Geneua backe againe towards Rome_: where in the way
it was my chance to meet him in the nicke here at _Bolognia_, as I will
tell you how. I saw a great fray in the streetes as I past along, and
manie swords walking, wherevpon drawing neerer, and enquiring who they
were, answer was returned mee it was that notable Bandetto _Esdras of
Granado_. O so I was tickled in the spleene with that word, my heart
hopt & daunst, my elbowes itcht, my fingers friskt, I wist not what
should become of my feete, nor knew what I did for ioy. The fray parted.
I thought it not conuenient to single him out (being a sturdie knaue)
in the street, but to stay till I had got him at more aduantage. To
his lodging I dogd him, lay at the dore all night where hee entred, for
feare hee should giue me the slip anie way. Betimes in the morning I
rung the bell and crau'd to speake with him: vp to his chamber dore I
was brought, where knocking, hee rose in his shirt and let me in, and
when I was entred, bad me lock the dore and declare my arrant, and so he
slipt to bed againe.

Marrie this quoth I is my arrant Thy name is _Esdras of Granado_, is it
not? Most treacherously thou slewst my brother _Bartoll_ about two yeres
agoe in the streetes of _Rome_: his death am I come to reuenge. In quest
of thee euer since aboue three thousand miles haue I trauaild. I haue
begd to maintaine me the better part of the waye, onely because I would
intermit no time from my pursute in going backe for monie. Now haue
I got thee naked in my power, die thou shalt, though my mother and my
grandmother dying did intreate for thee. I haue promist the diuell thy
soule within this houre, breake my word I will not, in thy breast I
intend to burie a bullet. Stirre not, quinch not, make no noyse: for if
thou dost it will be worse for thee. Quoth _Esdras_, what euer thou bee
at whose mercie I lye, spare me, and I wil giue thee as much gold as
thou wilt aske. Put me to anie paines my life reserued, and I willingly
will sustaine them: cut off my armes and legs, and leaue me as a lazer
to some loathsome spittle, where I may but liue a yeare to pray and
repent me. For thy brothers death the despayre of minde that hath euer
since haunted mee, the guiltie gnawing worme of conscience I feele
may bee sufficient penaunce. Thou canst not send me to such a hell, as
alreadie there is in my hart. To dispatch me presently is no reuenge,
it wil soone be forgotten: let me dye a lingring death, it will be
remembred a great deale longer. A lingring death maye auaile my soule,
but it is the illest of ills that can befortune my bodie. For my soules
health I beg my bodies torment: bee not thou a diuell to torment my
soule, and send me to eternall damnation. Thy ouer-hanging sword
hides heauen from my sight, I dare not looke vp, least I embrace my
deaths-wound vnawares: I cannot pray to God, and plead to thee both
at once. Ay mee, alreadie I see my life buried in the wrinckles of thy
browes: say but I shall liue, though thou meanest to kill me. Nothing
confounds like to suddaine terror, it thrusts euerie sense out of
office. Poyson wrapt vp in sugred pills is but halfe a poyson: the feare
of deaths lookes are more terrible than his stroake. The whilest I viewe
death, my faith is deaded: where a mans feare is, there his heart is.
Feare neuer engenders hope: how can I hope that heauens father will saue
mee from the hell euerlasting, when he giues me ouer to the hell of thy
furie.

_Heraclide_, now thinke I on thy teares sowen in the dust (thy teares,
that my bloudie minde made barraine). In reuenge of thee, God hardens
this mans heart against mee: yet I did not slaughter thee, though
hundreds else my hand hath brought to the shambles. Gentle sir, learne
of mee what it is to clog your conscience with murder, to haue your
dreames, your sleepes, your solitarie walkes troubled and disquieted
with murther. Your shaddowe by daye will affright you, you will not see
a weapon vnsheathd, but immediately you will imagine it is predestinate
for your destruction.

This murder is a house diuided within it selfe: it subornes a mans
owne soule to informe against him: his soule (being his accuser) brings
foorth his two eyes as witnesses agaynst him: and the least eye
witnesse is vnrefutable. Plucke out my eyes if thou wilt, and depriue
my trayterous soule of her two best witnesses. Digge out my blasphemous
tongue with thy dagger, both tongue and eyes will I gladly forgoe, to
haue a little more time to thinke on my iourney to heauen.

Deferre a while thy resolution. I am not at peace with the world,
for euen but yesterdaye I fought, and in my furie threatened further
vengeaunce: had I face to face askt forgiuenesse, I should thinke
halfe my sinnes were forgiuen. A hundred Diuells haunt mee daily for my
horrible murders: the diuells when I dye will be loath to goe to hell
with mee, for they desir'd of Christ he would not send them to hell
before their time; if they goe not to hell, into thee they will goe, and
hideously vexe thee for turning them out of their habitation. Wounds I
contemne, life I prize light, it is another worlds tranquilitie which
makes me so timerous: euerlasting damnation, euerlasting howling and
lamentation. It is not from death I request thee to deliuer me, but from
this terror of torments eternitie. Thy brothers bodie onely I pierst
vnaduisedly, his soule meant I no harme too at all: my bodie & soule
both shalt thou cast awaye quite, if thou doost at this instant what
thou maist Spare me, spare me I beseech thee: by thy owne soules
saluation I desire thee, seeke not my soules vtter perdition: in
destroying me, thou destroyest thy selfe and me.

Eagerly I replide after his long suppliant oration; Though I knewe God
would neuer haue mercie on mee except I had mercie on thee, yet of thee
no mercie would I haue. Reuenge in our tragedies continually is raised
from hell: of hell doo I esteeme better than heauen, if it affoord me
reuenge. There is no heauen but reuenge. I tell thee, I would not haue
vndertooke so much toyle to gaine heauen, as I haue done in pursuing
thee for reuenge. Diuine reuenge, of which (as of the ioyes aboue)
there is no fulnes or satietie. Looke how my feete are blistered
with following thee from place to place. I haue riuen my throat
withouerstraining it to curse thee. I haue grownd my teeth to pouder
with grating and grinding them together for anger, when anie hath nam'd
thee. My tongue with vaine threates is bolne, and waxen too big for
my mouth. My eies haue broken their strings with staring and looking
ghastly, as I stood deuising how to frame or set my countenance when I
met thee. I haue nere spent my strength in imaginarie acting on stone
wals, what I determined to execute on thee. Entreate not, a miracle maye
not repriue thee: villaine, thus march I with my blade into thy bowels.

Stay, stay exclaimed _Esdras_, and heare mee but one word further.
Though neither for God nor man thou carest, but placeth thy whole
felicitie in murder, yet of thy felicitie learne how to make a greater
felicitie. Respite me a little from thy swords poynt, and set mee
about some execrable enterprise, that may subuert the whole state of
Christendome, and make all mens eares tingle that heare of it. Commaund
me to cut all my kindreds throates, to burne men women and children in
their beds in millions, by firing their Cities at midnight. Be it Pope,
Emperour or Turke that displeaseth thee, he shal not breath on the
earth. For thy sake will I sweare and forsweare, renounce my baptisme,
and all the interest I haue in any other sacrament. Onely let me liue
how miserable soeuer, be it in a dungeon amongst toades, serpents and
adders, or set vp to the necke in dung. No paines I will refuse how euer
proroged, to haue a little respite to purifie my spirit: oh heare me,
heare me, and thou canst not be hardned against me.

At this his importunitie paused a little, not as retyring from my
wreakful resolution, but going back to gather more forces of vengeance.
With my selfe I deuised how to plague him double for his base minde.
My thoughts traueld in quest of some notable newe Italionisme, whose
murdrous platforme might not onely extend on his bodie, but his soule
also. The ground worke of it was this. That whereas he had promised for
my sake to sweare and forsweare, and commit _Iulian_-like violence on
the highest seales of religion: if he would but thus farre satisfie
me he should bee dismist from my furie. First and formost he should
renounce God and his lawes, and vtterly disclaime the whole title or
interest he had in anie couenaunt of saluation. Next he should curse
him to his face, as _Iob_ was willed by his wife, and write an absolute
firme obligation of his soule to the diuell, without condition or
exception. Thirdly and lastly (hauing done this), hee should praye to
God feruently neuer to haue mercie vppon him, or pardon him. Scarce
had I propounded these articles vnto him, but he was beginning his
blasphemous abiurations. I wonder the earth opened not and swallowed
vs both hearing the bold tearmes he blasted forth in contempt of
Christianitie: Heauen hath thundred when halfe lesse contumelies against
it haue been vttered. Able they were to raise Saints and Martirs from
their graues, and plucke Christ himselfe from the right hand of his
father. My ioints trembled & quakt with attending them, my haire stood
vpright, & my hart was turned wholly to fire. So affectionately and
zealously did hee giue himselfe ouer to infidelitie, as if sathan had
gotten the vpper hand of our high Maker. The veyne in his left hand that
is deriued from his heart with no faint blow he pierst, & with the bloud
that flowd from it, writ a ful obligation of his soule to the diuell:
yea, more earnestly he praid vnto God neuer to forgiue it his soule,
than manie Christians doo to saue theyr soules. These fearfull
ceremonies brought to an end, I bad him ope his mouth and gape wide. He
did so (as what wil not slaues doo for feare). Therwith made I no more
adoo, but shot him ful into the throat with my pistol: no more spake he
after, so did I shoote him that hee might neuer speak after, or repent
him.

His body being dead lookd as blacke as a toad: the diuell presently
branded it for his owne. This is the fault that hath called me hether.
No true _Italian_ but will honor me for it Reuenge is the glory of
Armes, and the highest performance of valure: reuenge is whatsoeuer wee
call law or iustice. The farther we wade in reuenge, the nerer come we
to the throne of the Almightie. To his scepter it is properly ascribed,
his scepter he lends vnto man, when he lets one man scourge another.
All true _Italians_ imitate mee, in reuenging constantly, and dying
valiantly. Hangman to thy taske, for I am readie for the vtmost of
thy rigor. Herewith all the people (outragiously incensed) with
one conioyned outcrye yelled mainely, Away with him, away with him,
Executioner torture him, teare him, or we will teare thee in peeces if
thou spare him.

The executioner needed no exhortation herevnto, for of his owne nature
was he hackster good enough: olde excellent hee was at a bone-ache. At
the first chop with his wood-knife would he fish for a mans heart, and
fetch it out as easily as a plum from the bottome of a porredge pot. Hee
would cracke neckes as fast as a cooke crackes egges: a fidler cannot
turne his pin so soone, as he would turn a man of the ladder. Brauely
did hee drum on this _Cutwolfes_ bones, not breaking them outright, but
like a sadler knocking in of tackes, iarring on them quaueringly with
his hammer a great while together. No ioynt about him but with a hatchet
he had for the nonce, he disioynted halfe, and then with boyling lead
souldred vp the wounds from bleeding. His tongue he puld out, least he
should blaspheme in his torment: venomous stinging wormes hee thrust
into his eares, to keep his head rauingly occupied: with cankers
scruzed to peeces hee rubd his mouth and his gums. No lim of his but
was lingringly splinterd in shiuers. In this horror left they him on the
wheele as in hel: where yet liuing, hee might behold his flesh legacied
amongst the foules of the aire. Unsearchable is the booke of our
destenies. One murder begetteth another: was neuer yet bloud-shed
barrain from the beginning of the world to this day. Mortifiedly
abiected and danted was I with this truculent tragedie of _Cutwolfe_ and
_Esdras_. To such straight life did it thence forward incite me, that
ere I went out of _Bolognia_ I married my curtizane, performed manie
aimes deedes; and hasted so fast out of the _Sodom_ of _Italy_, that
within fortie daies I arriued at the King of _Englands_ Campe twixt
_Ardes_ and _Guines_ in _France_: where he with great triumphes met and
entertained the Emperour and the French King, and feasted manie dayes.
And so as my Storie began with the King at _Turnay_ and _Turwin_, I
thinke meete heere to end it with the King at _Ardes & Guines_. All the
conclusiue Epilogue I will make is this; that if herein I haue pleased
any, it shall animate me to more paynes in this kinde. Otherwise I will
sweare vpon an English Chronicle, neuer to bee outlandish Chronicler
more while I liue. Farewell as manie as wish me well. _Iune_ 27. 1593.

Finis.

Chiswick Press:--Charles Whittingham And Co., Tooks Court, Chancery
Lane.