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ROGERS-ISMS

The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_

By WILL ROGERS

[Illustration]

Frontispiece Portrait

[Illustration]

_NEW YORK_: HARPER & BROTHERS: _PUBLISHERS_




ROGERS-ISMS:
THE COWBOY PHILOSOPHER ON THE PEACE CONFERENCE

Copyright, 1919, by Harper & Brothers
Printed in the United States of America
Published May, 1919




The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_



_In the Five times I have appeared before President Wilson I
have used dozens of these same jokes, about him, And he has
the best sense of humor and is the best audience I ever
played too, Which bears out the theory I work on, That you
can always joke about a big Man that is really big, But dont
ever kid about the little fellow that thinks he is
something, cause he will get sore Thats why hes little,_

W. R.




ALIBI


There is no particular reason why I should horn in on you
Public with a Book, But thats just when they seem to write
them, When theres no need or reason for them,

_The shorter white Paper gets the more careless these Pen
Hounds get with it,_

All my friends advise me to go ahead Will and write it cause
you wont annoy people with it like these other Writers do
with theirs, Nobody will read yours

When a Guy has never grazed educationally any further than
McGuffeys fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to throw
any jealous scare into Literary Circles,

_Grammar and I get along like a Russian and a BathTub,_

In fact Americans are getting to dote too much on Grammar
and Good Manners, They say the most perfect English in this
country is spoken in Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison in
Atlanta, They claim a Knife never touched a Lip, So you see
where that junk leads you too,

I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some
fellow had already done it,

In fact I figure that the fellow who dont write on the war
will be a novelty, There is so many Books on the War that
no two people will have to read the same Book.

Then the War was too serious a subject I could not write on
it, But the Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a better field
for Humor provided you stick to the _facts_,

_I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable
source_, And as I dont want to see the World grow up in
ignorance on this historical subject I would really feel
selfish and mean too withold it,

Heres how I got it, There is a fellow I know, Who had a
friend, And this friends Sister had a sweetheart and he was
a Soldier in France and his cousins pal was a Bunkie of Col
Houses Chouffer, The Col told his Chouffer So you see my
information comes from the same place Pres Wilsons does,

_So Here Goes Under The Bottom With_ THE FIRST PEACE BOOK,




THE PEACE CONFERENCE


Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the
time Pres Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal with you as
long as you occupy invaded Territory." Well the Kaiser come
right back at him and said, "If you can show us how we can
give it up any faster than we are I wish you would do it,"

Now the Armistace was signed, and Germany agreed to quit
running at eleven oclock on a certain day,

Of course we got the word a couple of days before it was
really signed, Making everybody have TWO DRUNKS where one
would have done just as well,

It would have been signed on this first day But the German
Generals whom they sent out to sign up, had never been to
the front and dident know just where it was,

The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the
western front then he said, "No I will just wait a few days
till it comes to me,"

Our Show was playing in Philadelphia when the first
Armistace was signed, (_The one the saloon men framed up_) I
was a bit leary of it all the time as I had been there once
before when the Union League Club had paraded for a Mr
Hughes, Then later they had to put the Parade back,

I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED PHILA TO BE SLOW AND HERE IT WAS 2
DAYS AHEAD OF THE FACTS

At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser,
I thought he should have been brought to this Country and
made to clean the streets after that first Armistace day,

A funny thing the Armistace was signed about the time the
returns of the last election come in. The Germans and the
Democrats learned their fate on the same day,

When the war was over the Kaiser called his 6 sons to him
and said, "Now boys we better duck Cause this war is over
and you boys can get hurt _Now_,"

The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse than losing the war,
Was that in all the Armistace terms they dident even mention
his name,

Everybody commence talking about the Peace Conference and
who was to go, Some Republican Senators went so far as to
engage a lower birth,

_There was so much argument about who was to go, That Pres
Wilson says I tell you what, "We will split 50-50 I will go
and you fellows can stay,"_

At last we were going to get even with them for all their
commissions coming over here,

You know for a while COMMISSIONS were coming so fast, That
we were lucky to find a fellow who knew what Flag to put
out each day,

We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian Flags,

Of course there were nations coming at that time who had not
enough to support a flag, Thats why the commission were here
to place a Flag Contract,

Now to get to my Peace trip, About three months are supposed
to have elapsed between the last Paragraph and this one, All
of which time was taken up by Congress talking, (_see
congressional Record_) Finally Pres Wilson got tired
listening to them and walked out on them,

If it had not been to get away from Congress, I have my
doubts if he would have gone to Europe,

_Now for the Number 2 Peace trip,_

This Peace trip is not an original Idea, (It was originated
by some obscure MANAFACTURER OF KNICK NACKS,) _Name
furnished at advertising rates_,

Its always the same, the fellow who originates anything or
starts something new is generally called a nut, The next
fellow comes along takes his Idea improves on it and of
course is a smart man,

Of Course this No 2 Company used better Judgement than the
first one. This one waited till the war was over to Go,

This is the only case in Theatrical History where the No 2
Company was better than the original,

Of corse I claim this Manafacturer in some middle west town
(I cant seem to recall that fellows name) made one mistake,
There were people on his Boat that should never have had a
return trip ticket,

Through Holland receiving them is where the Kaiser got his
idea of going there,

Of course there was a lot of dissatisfaction against the
Pres going, Mostly by people whom he did not take along,

I was in favor of his going because I thought it would give
us a chance to find out who was Vice President, But it
Dident,

I also felt confident that he was the only man that could
explain the 14 points

We were especially lucky in having him represent us in
England as he is the only one we could have sent that spoke
good enough english that they could understand,

He would have taken a Senator but couldent find one that had
a dress Suit

A congressman of course was out of the question He couldent
have eaten off a 15 million dollar plate He would have
starved to death looking at it,

For awhile it looked like Mr Hughes would get to go, While
the others were signing up he could have been investigating,
his report would have been ready the day before the next
election,

Also asked a manafacturer from some lake town (I cant think
of that Birds name) But he said "No thank you one trip
cured me"

The Sectry of Agriculture was named to go for a while, It
was thought that if we were fortunate enough to be assigned
any loose Islands at the meeting He could immediately advise
what to plant thereby getting in a crop next year,

_MR ROOT_ was named then some one happened to think of
RUSSIA and that was off,

_Wanted_ BRYAN _to go but nobody knew where he was,_

I wanted to go along as _JESTER_ Pres Wilson will miss his
comedy when he gets away from Congress,

I wanted to represent the United Press (the one that sent in
that prematur peace report) I could have had them there
before they started,

See they took one Republican with them, But I have never
read any thing in the papers about him landing, Just about
chucked that guy overboard,

=Took a republican along to argue with on the way over,=

=They will about make him Wait on the Peace Table,=

See where Admiral Dr Grayson stood his Maiden voyage well,

Mr Creel went along to suppress any SCANDAL that may crop
up

On arriving they found they had forgotten something after
searching they found it was the _Industrial Committee_,

Now Mr Barney Baruch is going in case we land a few Shekels,
why Barney will count up for us,

_Also Mr Garfield "said he wasent going to stay in this
Country and FREEZE another winter,"_

If they keep on sending for them, Talk about getting the
boys back, it will take a couple of years to get all these
Peace Guys back,

We may not have had as many Nations in the war as these
other Nations but we are going to Swamp them at the Peace
Table,

Col House was there to meet the Boat in a _listening
Capacity_,

Lot of men have _fought_ their way into fame and _talked_
their way into fame but Col House is the only man that ever
just LISTENED HIMSELF IN,

After looking over Paris the troop went to London, Can you
imagine how sore these Republicans got when they read about
a Democrat sleeping in Buckingham Palace,

Kaiser and Czar used to kid King George and tell him he
dident have any power He can get back at them now and say
"No I havent got much power but I am still _Kinging_ aint
I,"

Pres left London passed through Paris got an earfull from
Col House and played a week of one Night stands through
Italy,

He had a letter of recomendation from Caruso so he met some
of the best people in Italy,

Every time the Pres wanted applause in his speeches in Italy
he would mention GARIBALDI which sounds same in English as
Italian,

Belgium wanted to book him there but the Pres got wise that
they were holding so many Banquets they were trying to wear
him out before the Peace Feast started,

King of Italy also the King of England have agreed with him
up to now But unfortunately they neither one will be at the
Peace signing,

England is orally in accord but there has been nothing
signed,

They are a little late starting as they were waiting to find
someone who knew what freedom of the Seas mean,

NOW IF HE CAN ONLY HANDLE THAT MEETING AS HE DOES CONGRESS
WE NEED HAVE NO FEAR OF THE RESULT,

You know a lot of people think he is liable to be too easy
with them dont you believe it he can be pretty stern when he
wants to remember last fall when he sent Germany their
Questionaire, Said GIVE ME YOUR REAL NAME AND PERMANENT
ADDRESS,

Lets hope the Turkish Deligation dont bring all their WIVES
or we never will get _PEACE_,

And lets make those Russians shave before they sign up we
want to know who we are dealing with,

If Ireland sends a deligation I can hear France say bring us
back war,

Now the Pres says we are going to recognize the CZECHO
SLOVAKS we may recognize them but we will never pronounce
them,

That Nation has caused Readers more trouble than any other
one in war,

They cant make the Peace terms much worse than those
Armistace terms for they read like a 2nd mortgage, Party of
the second part has no more chance than a Democrat in the
next Congress,

We are handicapped at this meeting, England and France both
have their Prime Ministers there while _BILLY SUNDAY_ dident
go for us,

Each Nation is supposed to share in the Peace terms
according to what they have done in the war, Holland gets
the KAISER, Mexico the CROWN PRINCE,

Now the Pres has to get back here before Mar 1st when the
Country goes in into the hands of the Republicans or they
are liable to want to charge him a tarriff to get in again,

OF COURSE WE DONT RECEIVE MUCH NEWS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE.
FIRST FEW WEEKS THEY ARE ALL JUST COMPLIMENTING EACH OTHER.
WAIT TILL THEY GO TO DIVIDE UP SOMETHING. (What a truth
that turned out to be)

Well by this time Congress was getting pretty rough so Pres
W grabbed his boat and commuted back home,

Said I think I will land in BOSTON the old Pilgrim Fathers
had pretty fair luck, and _nobody has ever landed there
since_,

Germany couldent figure out how America could get troops
over there and get them trained so quick they dident know
that in our manual there is nothing about RETREATING and
when you only got to teach an Army to go one way you can do
it in half the time,

I feel pretty proud over that last little gag, As I used it
before Pres Wilson in Washington and he repeated it in his
Boston speech, Saying "as one of our AMERICAN HUMORISTS
says," Up to then I had only been an ordinary Rope thrower,

_Pretty tough when the Pres cops your act,_

Pres had pretty good luck on that 1st trip they saw his 14
points and raised him -------- ---- more

Says in there, "There is to be no more wars" and then there
was a Paragraph a little further down told you where to get
your AMMUNITION in case there was one,

Now he come's back to Washington to explain the _LEAGUE OF
NATIONS_ to Congress You know those guys cant read anything
and understand it,

But after eating out of 15 million dollar Gold Plates and
hobnobbing with Kings and Dukes can you imagine how Congress
looked to him when he come back,

Had All the Senators up to dinner at White House Took Ham
Lewis three days to dress for it,

_Not much news from the Dinner Burleson copped the Phones,_

On last day went up to Capitol to sign all the bills
Congress had passed Well after he had signed the _bill_,

Then he went before Congress and balled out the WILFUL 37,
he was busier than Mcadoo with a new train,

HE and Taft both spoke on same stage first time Pres and
x-pres ever _agreed_,

I still wanted to go along but he said: "wait Will till some
other trip and I will take you,"

You know _13_ is his lucky number if they dont sign this up
on this trip he knows they will on his 13th trip,

You see Congress got sore cause he did not call them in
extra session, You know the next Con, is _Republican_, Be a
good joke on them if he dident call them at all wouldent it,

Back to Paris to meet Col House the only man the Pres ever
listened too,

MR DANIELS went over. First time they have ever taken
Josephus anywhere, He will be allright in a crowd,

Made Mr Hoover food DICTATOR for all the Allies That means
that _BELG FRANCE_ and _ENG_, are not going to get any
_more_ to eat than we do,

Conference at 1st gave America Japan Italy France 5
deligates each and England including her Colonies fourteen,
Thats all right to allow England for each one of her
_Foreign Relations_, But they did not allow us a single one
for _Wisconsin_,

_How would you like to have been on a committee of_
Englishman _to inform Ireland they dident get any
Deligates_, OH BOY,

Finally got it down to the big TEN now theres only FOUR,
speaking to each other,

America dident know till they got over there that those
European Nations have had a disease for years called the
Gimmes.

England and Japan had a secret Treaty where England was to
get everything south of the equator and Japan everything
North, Guess they were going to leave the equator for
Ireland,

Japan wanted it put in the contract that she was as good as
anybody else If she _admitted_ it why put it in, If a man is
a Gentleman he don't have a _sign_ on him telling it,

Tell Japan we will recognize them as soon as they recognize
China,

=Peace Table is turning out like all Banquets the speeches
are too long,=

Everybody at the Table wants a second helping, And Germany
the cook hasent got enough to go around,

They agreed on one of the 14 points that was that America
went in for _nothing_ and _expects nothing_ they are all
UNANIMOUS WE GET IT,

Wanted to put the LEAGUE of nations in with Peace Treaty,
thats like a fellow going into a store and the Merchant wont
sell him a Suit unless he uses a Gillette Razor,

Its been a great thing for these Senators if it had not been
for this to _knock_ they would not have gotten all these
Lecture Dates,

The way a lot Of Senators talk you would think Pres W was
going to trade America off for a couple of Golf Clubs,

They seem to think the Pres took the =Monroe Doctrine= in his
pocket and is liable to lose it over there,

Pres Wilson threatened he would start the war over again, Be
terrible if they found out this war was fixed and they had
to fight it over again,

They cant let the Russians in this league or they would make
a Bush League out of it,

_Best time to have formed this League of Nations was during
the war when all these Nations needed each other,_

Everybody is for something to prevent war, but they are
afraid it is like Prohibition it dont prohibit,

League of Nations just as clear as the Income Tax blanks,

One thing we got to be thankful for our Soldiers can win
wars faster than our Diplomats can talk us into them,

Pres Wilson finally got discouraged at the stalling and told
them that if they dident hurry up and do something the
Americans would pick up their Wives and come home,

Pres says "JAMES BRING MY BOAT"

They then got busy and decided that Belgium could try the
Kaiser, Belgium said "how do we get him," Allies said "thats
it if we could get him we would try him ourselves,"

Some Nations got so tired waiting for Peace they went back
to fighting again,

Been working on this League of Nations all winter, Finally
one of the deligates said "What about Peace with Germany"
The others all said "thats right we never thought of that,"

Went to call in Germany and they said "Why we had give you
all up thought you wasent coming, We got a better offer
from the Bolsheveki"

=They offer us no indemnities and no Baths,=

If they ever have another war lets have it understood before
they start what each Nation wants at the finish,

All those Nations claim they were fighting for freedom, But
of course a little more land would make a little more
Freedom,

One thing about this League, The last war there were only 10
or 15 nations in it now if they all sign this they can all
be in the next one, It wont be near so exclusive,

_Course its hard to please everybody Taft tried that,_

If Pres Wilson had any doubts about this League of Nations
being put through he should have taken some of these
Prohibitionist. They would have shown him how to get it
through whether people wanted it or not,

France says they would have more confidence in this League
if they would slip a couple of Nations in between them and
Germany,

I WONDER IF WE QUIT FIGHTING TOO QUICK AND DIDENT SIGN PEACE
QUICK ENOUGH,

Dont get impatient. It has been just this hard at the end of
every war to try and prevent another one,

Pres on his last voyage home said the Monroe Doctrine was
fully protected already And to show them that it was, He has
now put it in,

This Monroe thing the Republicans talk so much of and know
so little about, Protects us against everything but VILLA.

And in the whole History of America he is the only _Nation_
that ever attacked us,

Italy says they will pick up their Marbles and go home

Pres Wilson says you may Fiume, But you will never get it,

Today is Japans day to threaten to pack their kimonas and
leave,

Italy bases her claim on an old treaty, She cant afford to
trace her Treatys back too far, _If I remember she
originally was signed up with Germany_,

Pres Wilson certainly used good judgement in visiting Italy
when he first went over,

Sectry BAKER has gone back over to France again think old
Newt, kinder likes PARIS,

_They wanted Mcadoo to go but the salary wasent right,_

Can you imagine a guy that couldent make a living out of all
the jobs he held, I would love to have just half what one
Republican would have made out of all that,

Lot of Reps dont want this League Gag to pass they are
jealous cause the Democrats ran the last war, And they want
to have another one to show how much better they could run
one than the Democrats,

Even the Big 4 seem to be losing confidence, They have
removed the words High Contracting Parties, which appeared
418 times in the original and now speak of it meekly as
members of the League,

We know Pres Wilson had a lot to do with drafting it, Cause
it has so many WORDS

Now it will take longer to explain it than it did to write
it,

If Mr Lodge and Mr Lowell debate on these new amendments
Boston has applied for a change of Venue,

_Only debate ever held where both men agreed,_

Pres is up to his old tricks has sent a NOTE to Italy,

His appeal to the Italian People caused as much of a furore
as the one to the voters last fall,

Italy says they know Fiume was not in their secret treaty
with other Allies But its a nice town and they hate to see
it fall into bad hands,

Get all those Nations sore enough to start telling the truth
about each other, We will hear something,

Italy claims Fiume because there is more Italians there than
anybody else, according to that Look whod get NEW YORK

Japans claims are sorter novel "They want pay for capturing
part of China one of our own Allies"

They have offered to protect Siberia if they have to stay
there forever to do it,

If Japan gets all her claims China will pay more indemnities
than Germany who lost the war,

Imagine Japan, Pres Wilson, and Italy, All talking at once,
Good thing they cant understand each other or this
Conference would never have lasted this long,

AND THEY CALL THAT A PEACE CONFERENCE,

Guess those CZECHO POLOKS have gotten their freedom, I see
where they are at _war_.

Wish I could find a man who had read this LEAGUE OF NATIONS,
And could tell which was the _Assembly_ and which was the
_Council_,

Thats a good clause in there "where any Allied Nation must
give three months notice before it jumps onto any other
Allied Nation,"

_Now the Women want to send Deligates, They forget this is
a_ Peace Conference,

See where the German Deligates to the Peace Table brought
their Golf Clubs We can see now how Admiral Graysons Pupil
stacks up against opposition,

See where Pres Wilson and Italy have compromised on that
town down there _Italy got it_,

Its kinder new wrinkle in Diplomacy, The Slovaks can play
with it four years till they begin to like it, And then they
take it away from them,

AS I UNDERSTAND IT ITALY IS TO HAVE IT TUESDAYS AND
SATURDAYS,

But they are going to build those other People (_with that
terrible name_) A little young town just as much like this
one as they can, down the river aways

Guess the reason they put a four year limit on it, Was that
they figured that would about cover the existence of any of
those new Nations,

The Idea over there now seems to be lets get something ready
to sign up, Whether its any good or not,

See where Pres Wilson and Japan _compromised_ on that CHOW
CHOW PLACE JAPAN GETS IT,

I dont know how much money Indemnity Japan will demand from
China,

_You know_ CHINA _has one of the best_ JAPANESE _Armies in
the World_,

See where Pres Wilson and England compromised on Freedom of
the Seas England got it,

Italy left the Conference and got what she wanted, Japan
threatened to leave and got what she wanted, If Pres Wilson
had left some Republican Senators would have gotten what
they wanted,

_Seems several Nations were like_ Jesse Willard _they wanted
to know what they were to get before they entered the
Arena_,

Well they finally handed Germany the Peace terms 80 thousand
words only thing ever written longer than a Lafollette
Speech,

HAD TO BE THAT LONG TO TELL THE GERMANS WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF
THEM

Imagine what a document for Lawers to pick flaws in,

Could have settled the whole thing in one sentence, "IF YOU
BIRDS START ANYTHING AGAIN WE WILL GIVE YOU THE OTHER
BARREL,"

RUSSIA cant get in on this Peace There is not enough Paper
in the World to print 80 thousand Russian words on,

If they want to get even with Germany they ought to let them
keep their Cables And appoint Burleson to run them

_I thought the Armistace terms read like a second Mortgage,
But this reads like a_ FORECLOSURE,

If Germany ever wants to go to war again she will have to
fight with _BEER STEINS_

If Germany stops to read those 80 thousand words before they
sign them, We needent expect Peace to be signed for years
yet,

Now Folks with all this kidding and foolishness aside, for I
just say in here whatever I think anybody might laugh at,
But of course my real sentiments are the same as everybody
else, anything to prevent war If He puts this thing through
and there is no more wars, His address will be WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D C till his whiskers are as long as the Peace
Treaty If it should be a Fliv, (which it wont) Why then a
letter would reach him at ALABI NEW JERSEY. So all Credit to
Pres Wilson it took some game Guy to go through with it,

THE END




Transcriber's Note

The spelling, punctuation and formatting in this project
greatly varies. Everything has been kept as it appears in
the original images.