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THE JEST BOOK

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UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.

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THE JEST BOOK

THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS

SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY

MARK LEMON

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CAMBRIDGE

SEVER AND FRANCIS

1865




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PREFACE.


The Compiler of this new JEST BOOK is desirous to make known that it is
composed mainly of old jokes,--some older than Joe Miller himself,--with
a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
satisfied themselves as to the _Origin of Species_ and the _Antiquity of
Man_, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
"the Oldest Inhabitant."

A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the _Black Jack_
in Clare Market.

Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And
when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
inn,--the _Black Jack_ aforesaid,--and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
virtues.

Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
conviction!

The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold
from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
their Judgment."

Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."

Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure
does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
surprise."

Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."

The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.

    "_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;
    The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!"

says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
has brought together.

M.L.

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THE JEST BOOK.


        I.--THE RISING SON.

POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the
wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."


        II.--SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.

SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '_About this time the
world was created_.'"


        III.--A BAD EXAMPLE.

A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
you have me to imitate a man who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a
fish_?"


        IV.--A CONFIRMED INVALID.

A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
I can; they tell me it is _good for the rheumatis_."


        V.--COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.

LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
got a sow exactly of _your ladyship's size_."


        VI.--AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.

THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--

    "Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
    And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
    The diamond quit--with me the pencil take,
    So shall _your shame_ but short duration make;
    For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
    With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
    Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
    Who 't was that _wrote so ill!--and loved so well_!"


        VII.--NO HARM DONE.

A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
I shall soon make up the quarrel."


        VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER.

A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not
satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, _pit on_ my beard again."


        IX.--CHANGING HIS COAT.

A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
introduce him?"--"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
_Liveryman_ of the _city of London_. _What_ is more honorable?"


        X.--GOOD ADVICE.

LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of _good_
ale by it."


        XI.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
brothers--_brothers-in-law_."


        XII.--A SMALL INHERITANCE.

IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a _small_
inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."


        XIII.--A DIFFERENCE.

JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the _i-t-c-h_ in your name,"
said Jerrold.


        XIV.--THE LIGHT SUBJECT.

THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
_one fourth_. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
them some _quarter_."


        XV.--COMPLIMENTARY.

LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
old acquaintances."--"Who are they, my lord?"--"_My ribs_," replied his
lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."


        XVI.--A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.

WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
it."--"Then let the king _knight her_," answered the rough seaman.


        XVII.--A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.

DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
sir," said he, "the _king_ is no _subject_."


        XVIII.--A CONVERT.

A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
almost a mind to turn _beggar_."


        XIX.--INCREDIBLE.

SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
I came by these boots?" Many _probable_ guesses then took place. "No!"
said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,--I bought them,
and paid for them!"


        XX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."--"Yes,
father, I must confess you _allowed_ it; but then it was never paid."


        XXI.--SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.

DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
gentleman of having been a warm admirer of _Calvinism_), and seeing the
parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
makes the man _greet_?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
if you were in his place, _and had as little to say_."--"Come along with
me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.


        XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
"for, thank God, I was born before _nerves came into fashion_."


        XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.

SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must _borrow_ it." Sheridan
was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.


        XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.

GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
"it will do very well for the _next horse you sell_."


        XXV.--WELL MATCHED.

DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the
baronet, "my expression alluded to the _size of your intellect_."--"And
my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the _size of yours_."


        XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.

A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
the best rump I cannot _sell_ lower than tenpence halfpenny _a pound_."


        XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.

THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, _because
he was hot_. "Bring me another," says his companion, "_because I am
cold_." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
"Here, boy, bring me a glass, _because I like it_."


        XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.

A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
am _stone blind_ already."


        XXIX.--A SYMBOL.

A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
of the saints, who are always painted with _the symbols_ of their
martyrdom."


        XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.

IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a _match_; I think you
want the _brimstone_";--she replied, "No, not the _brimstone_, only the
_spark_."


        XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.

A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a
_Christian_."


        XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have
covered so many blunders of yours_!"


        XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.

A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.
"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
you something to take away _all that_!"


        XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.

SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a passion_."


        XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.

IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."


        XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.

A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
_mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."


        XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.

SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll
_break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"


        XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.

"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of
Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George,
"for I never _asked him a question_."


        XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."

A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.


        XL.--SOUND AND FURY.

A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is
the least disagreeable."


        XLI.--COME OF AGE.

A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a
man at sixty!"


        XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.

THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."


        XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.

A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous,
another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for
horse-stealing."


        XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her
ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladyship _the tobacco_."


        XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.

BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town
but what thinks so."


        XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.

A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."


        XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.

A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc,
hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass."


        XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.

DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"


        XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.

FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the
bottle was passed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand
out the evening."


        L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.

MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."


        LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.

A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it,
doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass _higher
than her mouth_."


        LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.

ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
you may _do it yourself_."


        LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."


        LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."

JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to
_pay for their entertainment_."


        LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.

WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
least degree discomposed, "_run back and assist in putting it out_."


        LVI.--A BAD SHOT.

A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
_never hit_ what I fire at."


        LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.

IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a
_fool_."


        LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.

AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a
laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
_impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--

    Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"
    Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_,
      The Sexton and his Subs:
    How foolishly we play our parts!
    Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_,
      _We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!


        LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the
lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."


        LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.

A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked
the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am
not_," replied the other.


        LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.

DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.


        LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.

DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I
would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the
doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you
mend I'll mend_."


        LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.

A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad,
and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."


        LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.

LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
_meeting again_."


        LXV.--A LATE EDITION.

IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."


        LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

    SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
    Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
    So termagant awhile her thunder tries,
    And when she can no longer scold, she cries.


        LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.

AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold
is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
by the ordeal of women."


        LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.

    _Pope._

    SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
    As to be minister of state,
    I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
    That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.

    _Craggs._

    ALAS! if I am such a creature,
    To grow the worse for growing greater,
    Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,
    'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.


        LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.

THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for
the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"


        LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.

    LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
    Laid many heavy loads on thee!


        LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.

WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
them proved _prince's metal_."


        LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.

THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
_fellowship_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of
it_."


        LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.

A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."


        LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.

"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the
pithy answer.


        LXXV.--EPIGRAM.

    YOU say, without reward or fee,
      Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
    I say he never did prescribe for me,
      The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.


        LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.

SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined
to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"
and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.
So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite
Article_."


        LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.

ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--

    "They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
    He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."


        LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.

THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
the _wrong Phillips_."


        LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.

"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
negro _to get oil_."


        LXXX.--A BAD CROP.

A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.


        LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.

COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."


        LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.

DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."


        LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.

AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
_creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."


        LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had
plenty of friends in both houses."


        LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.

"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_
in them when I saw her last."


        LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.

AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the
alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."


        LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.

A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last
folly_."


        LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.

WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship
mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it
not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
but _two legs of mutton_."


        LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.

WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other
of my generals."


        XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.

TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
how _old_ we are to be this year."


        XCI.--NOT RIGHT.

A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your
honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
_left-handed_."


        XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.

DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
them with the following lines:--

    "Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
      I would not retain it a minute;
    What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_,
      Is sure to be instantly _in it_."


        XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."

A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."


        XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.

A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.
"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.


        XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.

A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the
world."


        XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.

A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."


        XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.

TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."


        XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.

SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
impossible to touch him anywhere without _pricking_ one's fingers.


        XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."

A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one
_ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not
taste a drop of their _ditto_."


        C.--COMPUTATION.

AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two
ciphers_."


        CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.

AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
"is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father
_was born_!!"


        CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.

ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and
remained silent.


        CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.

ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on
my head_ would hurt it."


        CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.

A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."


        CV.--A BAD HARVEST.

THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse
the crop_.'"


        CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.

MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_
wrapped up in one of your works."


        CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.

A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
_stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."


        CVIII.--ARCADIA.

A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen
miles of the neighborhood.


        CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.

A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"


        CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.

COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a
day after the fair_.


        CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.

A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"
said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."


        CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.

A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"


        CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.

A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."


        CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.

IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.


        CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.

WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already
written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be
one," replied he.


        CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.

A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very
heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _naïveté_, "_I shall be
in it_."


        CXVII.--CAP THIS.

SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."


        CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.

A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."


        CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.

    TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_
      From a flint so unluckily thrown;
    I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,
      'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.


        CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.

WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number
45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."


        CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.

AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
living, said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales,
that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner."--"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
_toasted_ his own cheese."


        CXXII.--A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.

A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to _quiz_ a poor Irishman, asked him,
"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have
a _shillalah_ in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel,
would you like to taste the _stalk_?" and knocking the inquirer down,
coolly walked off.


        CXXIII.--DOG-MATIC.

IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a
cur." To which the other replied, "That _fawning_ was the property of a
cur as well as barking."


        CXXIV.--FALSE QUANTITY.

A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.
"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of
term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_."


        CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.

THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the
ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives
not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests
suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,--like a
young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.


        CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.

SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch
of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous
one:

    "I went to Frankfort and got drunk
    With that most learned professor, Brunck;
    I went to Worts and got more drunken
    With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."


        CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.

THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to
him, "come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very
backward."


        CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.

MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.


        CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.

A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of
calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share
the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said
our friend, "and you must quit."--"Why am I to quit more than
you?"--"Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_."


        CXXX.--SAGE ADVICE.

THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, _hit
it_."


        CXXXI.--THE PURSER.

LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them
herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a _purser_
in the navy."


        CXXXII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.

WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"--"No."--"Do you want to
hae ony appointed?"--"I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_
what your lordships say."


        CXXXIII--EASY AS LYING.

ERSKINE, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a
rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of
offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the
_failing_ usually attributed to travellers?"


        CXXXIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.
Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been
thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here,
and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so
chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it
may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall
let me out of prison, and, instead of _seven_ groats, you shall allow me
only _eighteenpence_ a week, and the other _tenpence_ shall go towards
the discharging of the debt."


        CXXXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)

    IN former times the illustrious dead were burned,
    Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;
    This column, then, commemorates the part
    Which custom makes us single out--the heart;
    You ask, "How by a column this is done?"
    I answer, "_'Tis a hollow thing of stone_."


        CXXXVI.--FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.

A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you _lying_," answered
he.


        CXXXVII.--THE INTRUDER REBUKED.

JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
me!"--"Then don't bring your _hog's head_ in here," was the prompt
reply.


        CXXXVIII.--CRITICAL POLITENESS.

A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot
pass a very _old_ acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that
civility."


        CXXXIX.--A GOOD PLACE.

A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct
exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."--"Sire," replied he,
"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give _my_
successor the like advice."


        CXL.--A CABAL.

THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
conspiracy to overturn _monarchy_ by a _common-wheel_.


        CXLI.--THE FIRE OF LONDON.

ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread
Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill
staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane
had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was
burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much
singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe
Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye
Corner were over baked."


        CXLII.--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.

    THE speeches made by P---- are _sound_,
      It cannot be denied;
    Granted; and then it will be found,
      They're _little else_ beside.


        CXLIII.--AN HONEST HORSE.

A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
emphatic earnestness, that "he was an _honest_ horse." After the
purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why,
sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to
_throw_ me, and he certainly never _deceived_ me."


        CXLIV.--THE RETORT CUTTING.

BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at
Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were
first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a
compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.
Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said,
when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's
_translation_ to-day."--"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for
I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is
the only one in the college."


        CXLV.--ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and
pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"--"O!" answered her
grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place--I hate it."--"Madam," replied
the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
morning,--I _won't rise_ to-day."


        CXLVI.--A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.

    A PUD IN is almi de si re,
    Mimis tres Ine ver require,
    Alo veri find it a gestis,
    His miseri ne ver at restis.


        CXLVII.--BY THE SAME.

    MOLLIS abuti,
    Has an acuti,
    No lasso finis,
    Molli divinis.
    O mi de armis tres,
    Imi nadis tres,
    Cantu disco ver
    Meas alo ver?


        CXLVIII.--A HAPPY SUGGESTION.

WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.
15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold
suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The
Nightingale's Wing."


        CXLIX.--PLAYING ON A WORD.

LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.
Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.
Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said,
"I think I saw a _lyre_ there." George Selwyn, who was of the party,
whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is _one less_ since he left the
country."


        CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.

A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that
this man will not take the _beam out of his own eye_ before he attempts
the _mote_ in other people's?"--"Why, so I daresay he would," cried
Sheridan, "if he was sure of _selling the timber_."


        CLI.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."

A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took
off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if
you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you."


        CLII.--A.I.

A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did
not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They
are in Martial."--"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on
underwriting."--"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is
not so much difference between an _under writer_ and a _minor_ poet."


        CLIII.--QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.

A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to
him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth
3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to
2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.
more to be worth 3,000."--"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no
ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and
I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked
abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
brother Davy, I _think_ we may accept the bail."


        CLIV.--BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.

SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the
Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in
demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be
in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on
the business."--"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred
pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you
till you owe me _two_."


        CLV.--EPIGRAM.

"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--_Court
Journal_.

    'Tis right that Cumberland should be
    In this resolve so steady,
    For all the world declare that he
    Is _too bare-faced_ already!


        CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.

THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
pig's victuals.

"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming
Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My
Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.

                                                             "RD. GOLD."


        CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.

JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me
what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I
know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't
you know?"--"I don't know _whose corn_ fats 'em!"


        CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.

SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir
Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was
right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding
rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.
The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to
pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first _public money_ he had
touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped
up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.


        CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.

THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
_Cart-wright_, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
_Common-Wheel_.


        CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.

A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his
friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his
name and college. "I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.
"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what
college you are _not_, but of what college you are."--"I am _Nott_ of
Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he
considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and
demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him,
sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college." The
proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman,
and wished him a good night.


        CLXI.--A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.

    In Parliament, it's plain enough,
      No reverence for age appears;
    For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_,
      Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.


        CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.

LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until
they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers,
and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord
Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you
hanged _your tutor_, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord
Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was
hanged.


        CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.

"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman
to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church
or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the
astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High
Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!"


        CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.

    IN making love let poor men sigh,
      But love that's ready-made is better
    For men of business;--so I,
      If madam will be cruel, let her.
    But should she wish that I should wait
      And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her,
    I court by _deed_, or after _date_,
      Through my solicitor or banker.


        CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.

A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said
the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more
illustrious _than yours_, I should have taken it."


        CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant
of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking
him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with
whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.
"With the _devil's_!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, _Our trusty
and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?"--a repartee at which the king
laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.


        CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.

WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader,
he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without butter_?"


        CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.

    ASK you why gold and velvet bind
      The temples of that cringing thief?
    Is it so strange a thing to find
      A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?


        CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.

ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each
member to be named after a sign.

"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid
that his name would be forgotten.

_Jerrold._--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the _weight_ in Libra."


        CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE
        HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.

    "A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
    Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
      Rich wine and spices waste:
    Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
    Bound in a precious pickle lie,
      Which I can never taste!
    Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
    With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
      And spoil the Egyptian trade,
    Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
    Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
      A mummy ready made."


        CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.

IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this
was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for
a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied
his lordship, "advise Caroline to _turn over a new leaf_."


        CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.

E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her
lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter;
"if you please, I will draw your face _without any mouth_ at all."


        CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.

DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that
the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a
bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could _understan'_ them?"


        CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.

WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of
a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that
time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the
counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified
conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in
discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse
himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was
addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his
Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the
advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship
observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your
pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's _more
important_ occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to
attend to my client and his humble advocate."


        CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.

(A good word for Ministers.)

    THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
    Their promises which end in smoke;
      Thus their defence I build;
    Granted in office they have slept,
    Yet sure those _promises_ are _kept_
      Which never are fulfilled.


        CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.

A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been
hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the _grocery
line_?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a
_different line_ when he died."


        CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.

AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a
friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."


        CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.

SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and
at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer,
"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I
made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew."


        CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
that he borrowed, "that he had _lost half_ of his memory."


        CLXXX.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.

WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in
the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this
case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is
ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_."


        CLXXXI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.

THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--

"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable,
envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous,
keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate,
quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious,
abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating,
gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless,
savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious,
blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful,
inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing,
unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring,
incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring,
sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome,
tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling,
brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal,
dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable,
irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive,
outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged,
spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly,
suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent,
wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."


        CLXXXII.--A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.

A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects
of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite
right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are
_shorter_."


        CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.

HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
strangers' gardens.


        CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.

IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those
which are _true_ are not _new_!"


        CLXXXV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.

A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of
money.

"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much
does ---- want this time?"

"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the
bearer of the hat replied.

_Jerrold._--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."


        CLXXXVI.--WASTE OF TIME.

AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he
to them, "it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again."


        CLXXXVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.

AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which
Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
folk."


        CLXXXVIII.--TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.

SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced
unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all _know_
it, Sir Fletcher."


        CLXXXIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.

THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was
visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee
entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the
poet knew him, Lee answered:--

    "Custom may alter men, and manners change:
    But I am still _strange Lee_, and you L'Estrange:
    I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."


        CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.

WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
certificates, and defy you.--D.J.


        CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.

LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by
the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel
contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied,
"Because the _fifth_ act is peeping out at one corner of it."


        CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.

ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"
said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please
your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do
you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing
to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we
call him. _Perfection_."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly
herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he _bears_ the
best of characters."


        CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.

THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild,
who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully
satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could _gain
nothing_ by refraining from it.


        CXCIV.--A POSER.

A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his
pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite
song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman _might_ have made it,
for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."


        CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.

LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest
situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on
the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if
ye had been a _sheep_ ye would hae had mair sense."


        CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.

SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for
him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you,
Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and
what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs,
for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are
_windy_; but eat anything else you please!"


        CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.

AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at
the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional
friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--

    "Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
    If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
    And make 'em agree like brother and brother."

The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the
dispute.


        CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.

"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be
able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."


        CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.

AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal
part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed
him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your
kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope
you will be at least _six times_ as many as are here to-night."


        CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.

COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all
the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the
recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he
obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to
the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the
street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but
Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the
watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises
of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup,
"what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_,
new-painted, at this time of night!"


        CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.

A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or
other would ask me, and so I measured it."


        CCII.--VERY CLEAR.

"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.


        CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why
you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded
lady.


        CCIV.--EPIGRAM.

    BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
    The electors would find him as good as his word!
    "_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!
    _What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"


        CCV.--MODEST.

IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
Stanley is the _second_, madam."


        CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.

A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_
performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
be _we_ then?"


        CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.

AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
are unable to find room for it."


        CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
"because he has _served me_ these twenty years."


        CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.

    BY imbecility and fears
      Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
    His mind a porcupine appears,
      A porcupine _without a quill_.


        CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.

AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on
purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the
first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered
Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean _you_, I mean _the
dog_."


        CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.

THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_
through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was
impossible they could have been _collected_.


        CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.

THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the
frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him
with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said
the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity,
replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the
journey."


        CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.

SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians
were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made
to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England,
that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I
manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is
committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am
ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my
illnesses are _usually short_."


        CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.

    SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
      I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
    "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
      For I never can _raise it_ myself."


        CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.

JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an
ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied,
"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!"


        CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.

MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of
pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,
could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself
unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_."


        CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.

IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his
sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the
congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman
immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion,
said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So
much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the
clergyman; "it will be the _sooner over_."


        CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.

THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most
likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at
"the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"


        CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.

"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal
performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the
other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed,
by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it
would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a
dancing-master_!"


        CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.

JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a
message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he
who wrote these can write more":--

    "With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,
    With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
    And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"

Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion
of the portrait, immediately sent the money.


        CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.

JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see
the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I
know between France and England is--_the sea_," said Jerrold.


        CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.

ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his
neck_."


        CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied
he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is
the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because _my
nose_ was betwixt them."


        CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.

WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of
Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going
into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness,
began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on
your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with
lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your
evidence."--"_Be cool, Mr. Counsellor_," said Billy, "_only be cool,
you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that_."


        CCXXV.--THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.

A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared
for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you
never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to
go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to
it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you
flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever
happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death,
some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were
the _dearest objects_ of your affections."


        CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.

A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
"it's _whipcord_ it is!"


        CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.

A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a
glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite
neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I
never break a glass."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply,
"you ought whenever _you look in one_."


        CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.

A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister,
who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"
said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie;
"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this
place, and it will _take us baith_ to manage them."


        CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.

THE late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely
_two-and-thirty minutes_ in the Old Bailey.


        CCXXX.--MAKING IT UP.

AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
provided, upon one occasion when _company_ were expected, he asked if
she had _brothed_ the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well
then," said he, "broth 'em _again_."


        CCXXXI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.

BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached
Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep;
and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and
Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and
yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew
that about this time of day _you would tell that story_."


        CCXXXII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.

"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a
thunderbolt!"


        CCXXXIII.--EQUALITY.

SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's
Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's
Burns,--he was a _ploughboy_."


        CCXXXIV.--QUITE NATURAL.

"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an
infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"_I_ have!" shouted a
six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles,
amused by his earnestness. "_On the elephant_!" was the reply.


        CCXXXV.--MISER'S CHARITY.

AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
_nothing to nobody_."


        CCXXXVI.--SHAKING HANDS.

AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should
shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For,"
said he, "their hands have been _shaking_ this half-hour."


        CCXXXVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.

MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is
sufficient for a woman."


        CCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)

    THE privilege _hard_ money to demand,
    It seems but fair the public should surrender;
    For I confess I ne'er could understand
    Why cash called _hard_, should be a legal _tender_.


        CCXXXIX.--A GOOD REASON.

"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the
old dame, "and _he_ never cries."--"That's because he's never washed,"
rejoined the youngster.


        CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.

    IF Farren, cleverest of men,
      Should go to the right about,
    What part of town will he be then?
      Why, "Farren-done-without!"


        CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.

"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two
of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we _want
it_, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have _no
occasion for it_."


        CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.

BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.


        CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.

WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator;
but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the
_Spectator_ than the _Tatler_."


        CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.

AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as
at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming
danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation,
and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up
at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single
volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French
land at Ayr, there will soon be _plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock_."


        CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.

LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in
the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their
respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he
would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an
intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit
suicide."


        CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.

THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
has given rise to the following:--

    I have lost my portmanteau--
      "I pity your grief;"
    It contained all my sermons--
      "I pity the thief."


        CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.

S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most _empty_ is
generally _uppermost_.


        CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.

SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a
snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning
continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad
humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your
nose!"--"Blow it _yourself_!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as
me!"


        CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.

MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately
before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.
Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much
seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was
entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of
it, as at present we must totally depend on _your kindness_." This had
the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.


        CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.

A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept _open house_, at least,
so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.


        CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.

LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane
_the waur_ o' a hanging."


        CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.

MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one
of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of
copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper,"
which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon,
gentlemen,--_copper_; but _I can't get the lead out of my head_!" At
this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.


        CCLIII.--BURIED WORTH.

SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of
but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only good
belonging to him is _underground_.


        CCLIV.--A JUST DEBTOR.

ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe,
to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady.
On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check
for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me
100l."--"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ----,
that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors _at 5s. in the
pound_. Now you must see, Mr. ----, that if I were to pay you at a
higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an
injustice!"


        CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.

SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured
from _cast steel_ were of a very superior quality, such as razors,
forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's
no soap like _Castile_ soap."


        CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.

WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"
for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his
eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my
coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why,
_this_ coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after
regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the
Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful
of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call _that thing_ a coat?"


        CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.

ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father
of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince
of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."


        CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.

A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had
mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our
ship is in _jeopardy_?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got _into some
port at last_," replied the other.


        CCLIX.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest
estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there
at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that
from _you_: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes,
I _took_ them."


        CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.

GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say
that Mr. Moore has _murdered_ Sheridan, but he has certainly _attempted
his life_."


        CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.

AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
rain; I hope it will bring up _everything out of the ground_."--"By
Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in
it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."


        CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.

DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him:
"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied
Daniel, "I think I know him, _but I can't swear to him_."


        CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.

A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
word, "_Advance_ three paces _back-wards_! march!"


        CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.

AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in
contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
"Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were
_boiled_," cried sooty.


        CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.

A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the
jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite
lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"_He pinched me_!"
answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with
laughter.


        CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
him there again, he'd lock him up in the _ice-house_ and _warm_ his
jacket.


        CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.

AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he _saw_ a terrible wind
the other night. "_Saw_ a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind
being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"_Like_ to have blown my
house about my ears," replied the first.


        CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.

AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He
accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"
then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather
bad), the old lady exclaimed, "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always
stuttered_!"


        CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.

DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said
the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your
lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_."


        CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.

THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's
shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--

    "The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
      Now to a smith doth pass;
    How naturally the _iron age_
      Succeeds the _age of brass_!"


        CCLXXI.--CRITICS.

LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all
their pretensions, they were only _brushers_ of noblemen's clothes."


        CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.

A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
his _theeing_ and _thouing_, one of them with a stern countenance asked
him, "Pray, sir, do you know what _we sit here for_?"--"Yea," replied
Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
hundred and fifty pounds a year."


        CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.

A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against
him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far
enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you
please, my lord, _we'll drop the subject_."


        CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my
lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge.
"Because," replied he, "I was _eight_ before I was fourscore."


        CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.

IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of
Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their
assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or
mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a
gentleman present; "if you wish to _bring the figures out_, varnish it
with _turtle soup_."


        CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.

GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very
immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal
and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
earth, it _daubs your coat_ a little for a time, but when it is _rubbed
off_ your coat is so much the cleaner."


        CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.

MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and
_onions_."


        CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.

_On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
Church._

    The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
      The _head of the Church_ by all Protestant people;
    His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
      For with them he is now made the _head of the steeple_.


        CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.

DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a
troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and
observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have
often heard you and others talk of the _majesty_ of the people; but I
never saw any of the young _princes and princesses_ till now."


        CCLXXX.--A PROVIDENT BOY.

AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom,
you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the
half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet,
father."


        CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.

    "WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
      No jester to their courts admit?"
    "They're grown such stately solemn things,
      To bear a joke they think not fit.
    But though each court a jester lacks,
      To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
    Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
      Supply the honest jesters' places."


        CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.

ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face
in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he
thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which
the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left
him.


        CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.

SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove
serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then,
my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."


        CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.

A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me
_stand out of the way_."


        CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

    THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
    And boast that they are only blessed with light.
    Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
    He may be called the _equinoctial line_.


        CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
be apprehended."


        CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.

DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in
years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus
replied:--

    "Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
    'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
      Shall I tell you how?
    She herself makes her own faces,
    And each morning wears a new one!
      _Where's the wonder now_?"


        CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.

A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
and _vice versâ_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have
been!" returned the child.


        CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.

A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was
asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in
a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great
_deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a
_timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.


        CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.

A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the _happiest_ fellows
in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged
seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
that they have escaped."


        CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship,
"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"


        CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.

A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought
it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the
gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is
more than you can say."


        CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.

WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was
_in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.


        CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.

A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't
know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."


        CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

    YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
    Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.


        CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.

A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any
_habit_, be it ever so bad."


        CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.

    "Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
    "In earnest love me as you say;
    Or are those tender words applied
    Alike to fifty girls beside?"
    "Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
    For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
    She stopped me as the oath I took,
    And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."


        CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.

LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
_Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His
lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--

    "_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
    That _Joy_ would soon return."


        CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.

A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
then you must have been firing at a _wig_."


        CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.

A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair
of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he
arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hearse_ came by; on which his
lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good
fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so
strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon,
and returned home in a whole skin.


        CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.

"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you
manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live
at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A
place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what
place?"--"_I am my own steward_."


        CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.

THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.


        CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.

A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."


        CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.

A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said
she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."


        CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.

THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_:
"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"


        CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will
fit it_."


        CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.

    WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
      Just as hungry dogs we see;
    Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
      Throw a couple, they agree.


        CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the
gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."


        CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.

WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you
are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The
hint was taken, and old George provided for.


        CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.

A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid
telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept
scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I
wish I could give _warning_ too."


        CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess
answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants
anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must
not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_
for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a
_capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."


        CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed
that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the
street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping
_physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord,"
replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."


        CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.

LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a
sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation
between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord
Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your
presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I
send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley,
"inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"


        CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.

LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more
peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House
of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the
door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow
be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be
near him, "_not in Europe_."


        CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.

ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman
having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs,
madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly
replied, "But not till he was _dead_."


        CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.

AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise
every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord
Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run
up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
_follow your Majesty_."


        CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.

SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to
vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead
a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_,"
rejoined the father.


        CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your
whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on
the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.


        CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the
scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."


        CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.

AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am
eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall
be _both_ of an age."


        CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.

A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole
purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.


        CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.

THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.
Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was
the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.


        CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.

"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll,
"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love
every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so
mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes
with _the public_."


        CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more
punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied
John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or
conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."


        CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.

BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like,
and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest
butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher
thumped the cushion."


        CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.

LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my
lord, what capital _mantelpieces_ that marble would make in England!"


        CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.

IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession.
"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my
roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then
returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play,
and as I can find _no trace_ of _a plot_ in either, you may go free."


        CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.

DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up
the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to
induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how
extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied
the doctor; "I wish it were _impossible_."


        CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.

NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at
it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects
crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest,
grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are
convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.


        CCCXXX.--PLEASANT DESERTS.

A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing
all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and
ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to
attend you,--you _deserve_ to be ill."


        CCCXXXI.--A HOME ARGUMENT.

    BY one decisive argument
    Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
      To fix the bridal day.
    "Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?
    I shall not change my mind," she said.
      "But then," says he, "I _may_."


        CCCXXXII.--A BAD PEN.

"NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold,
speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind.
"Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."


        CCCXXXIII.--WIGNELL THE ACTOR.

ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was _Cato_: and on its
revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his
old-established part of _Portius_; and having stepped forward with a
prodigious though accustomed strut, began:--

    "The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,
    And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."

The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue!
prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any
emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it
were part of the play:--

    "Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no
    Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years--
    The great, the important day, big with the fate
    Of Cato and of Rome."

This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed
immoderately, clapped, and shouted "_Bravo_!" and Wignell still
continued with his usual composure and stateliness.


        CCCXXXIV.--CANDOR.

A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good
qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason
why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others
when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain
enough," said Macklin; "_impudence_,--nothing but stark-staring
impudence!"


        CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.

A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head.
"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without _anything_
in it."


        CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.

THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough
to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had
often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green,
when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to
dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for
invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up
the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I
never look out of my window but I see you walking across the
grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk
across the grass-plot, but I _see you_ looking out of your window." The
master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window,
convulsed with laughter.


        CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.

LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be
roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons
that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only
_five guineas_ in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at
your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and
acclamations.


        CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.

    IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
    The king had his poet and also his fool;
    But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
    That Cibber can serve both for _fool_ and for _poet_.


        CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.

CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why,"
answered the comedian, "he is going to _draw houses_, like his father."


        CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.

DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short
post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of
conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily,
"Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously,
"is a _post-boy_, who never turns out of the way for anybody."


        CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.

A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his
mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish,
and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."


        CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What
was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old
was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"
Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_."
Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did."
Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't
catch me crossing myself!"


        CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.

    DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
    To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
    Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
    We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
    But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
    Why, really we think him a sensible man.


        CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning
to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."


        CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered
the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you
were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but
then I had not _seen you_."


        CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!

SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS."
Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--

    "Then as like as two chips
    Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."


        CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam,
observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_,
"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being
_introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on,
leaving the poor fellow to his fate.


        CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

    YE fates that hold the vital shears,
    If ye be troubled with remorse,
    And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_,
    Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.


        CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.

A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll
warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.
"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay,"
replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."


        CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will
cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.


        CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.

WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this
season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."


        CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.

AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball passed over his
head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"
said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."


        CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.

"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a
true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty
woman, is _to shut his eyes_."


        CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.

A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then,
ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."


        CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.

    To John I owed great obligation,
      But John, unhappily, thought fit
    To publish it to all the nation;
      Sure John and I are more than quit.


        CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes,"
said Jerrold.


        CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.

A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor
bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the
impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the
doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_
can comprehend."


        CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.

GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to
Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you
to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said
Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--

    Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
    Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"

"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players
off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what
is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and
_bosoms_ of the audience?"


        CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.

A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to
consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."


        CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.

FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the
French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest
when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained
the matter.


        CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.

THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.


        CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.

"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a
lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."


        CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of
this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that
be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the
children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the
fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."


        CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your
book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird;
"but they're unco' _short_."


        CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.

    IF ancient poets Argus prize,
    Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
    Sure greater praise to her is due,
    Who looks a hundred ways with two.


        CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.

FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a
_black lady of great accomplishments_.


        CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.

HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."


        CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.

LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the
best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."


        CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.

A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
_pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.


        CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.

THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_
my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."


        CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.

    AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
      On velvet rests, 'tis said;
    Ah! did he seek a softer place,
      He'd rest upon his head.


        CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then
called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.


        CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.

A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take
off_ his hat!"


        CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.

IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man
in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us
a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!


        CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.

    FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
    Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.


        CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.

"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my
son."


        CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.

DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing
Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his
house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly
answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said,
"Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made
her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your
fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I
ever saw."


        CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

    IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
      He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
    For from the fact we draw the inference,
      He's that which never has been made _a peer_.


        CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine
engine three inches lower."


        CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.

AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.
Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether
his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he
wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds
two_."


        CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

    HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
      'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
    'Tis that his labors always lay,
      Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.


        CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.

A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his
present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my
dear, nobody regrets _her loss_ more than I do."


        CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did
not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait
the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the
_length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_
either!" The young man was silent.


        CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.

AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it
might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.


        CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once
kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the
weathercock in that direction.


        CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

    WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
    That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
    Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
    Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
    Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
    The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.


        CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.

A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the
nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."


        CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.

IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his
tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would
show their sagacity by following the example of their President.


        CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.

A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning,
Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In
the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument
next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and
_you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."


        CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

    IS that dace or perch?
      Said Alderman Birch;
    I take it for herring,
      Said Alderman Perring.
    This jack's very good,
      Said Alderman Wood;
    But its bones might a man slay,
      Said Alderman Ansley.
    I'll butter what I get,
      Said Alderman Heygate.
    Give me some stewed carp,
      Said Alderman Thorp;
    The roe's dry as pith,
      Said Alder_men_ Smith.
    Don't cut so far down,
      Said Alderman Brown;
    But nearer the fin,
      Said Alderman Glyn.
    I've finished, i'faith, man,
      Said Alderman Waithman:
    And I too, i'fatkins,
      Said Alderman Atkins.
    They've crimped this cod drolly,
      Said Alderman Scholey;
    'T is bruised at the ridges,
      Said Alderman Brydges.
    Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
      Said Alderman Magnay.
    'T was brought by two men,
      Said Alderman Ven-
    ables: Yes, in a box,
      Said Alderman Cox.
    They care not how _fur 'tis_,
      Said Alderman Curtis;
    From air kept, and from sun,
      Said Alderman Thompson;
    Packed neatly in straw,
      Said Alderman Shaw:
    In ice got from Gunter,
      Said Alderman Hunter.
    This ketchup is sour,
      Said Alderman Flower;
    Then steep it in claret,
      Said Alderman Garret.


        CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.

CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the
stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive
rejoinder.


        CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.

TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke
of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the
house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other
servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who
returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you,
indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."


        CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.

AVARICE is criminal poverty.


        CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.

    "I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
    His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
    "That 'tis the outer product of your head,
    And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"


        CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.

A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _coxcomb_ the
wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so passed by him.


        CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.

AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"
replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
_me_ for _you_."


        CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly
unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what
you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered
the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors
never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."


        CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.

A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come,
my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King,"
answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"


        CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.

    E--D--N was asked by one of note,
    Why merit he did not promote;
    "For this good reason," answered he,
    "'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."


        CD.--DIDO.

OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register
Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious
particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It
happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly
celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the
conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's
opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the
man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."


        CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.

A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine,
indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_
in it."


        CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by
the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out,
"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made
_wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you,
sir!"


        CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.

AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
abroad, "because _nobody_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."


        CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.

ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
_Bolt upright_."


        CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold
enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
what, I _won't say_ a word about it."


        CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.


        CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

    Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
    Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.


        CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the
hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."


        CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.

DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."


        CDX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)

    YES, in debate we must admit,
      His argument is quite profound;
    His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
      Can anybody _see the ground_.


        CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--

    Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
    I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
    I advise you to give it without any flummery,
    For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.


        CDXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)

    THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
    For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.


        CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."


        CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ----
has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
_dangerously well_ again."


        CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

    LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
    Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
    That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
    Has anything worth larceny within it.


        CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a
letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
be sure and send me their new works_."


        CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who
was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"


        CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

      LIFE is a lottery where we find
    That fortune plays full many a prank;
      And when poor ---- got his mind,
    'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.


        CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."


        CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.


        CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
you, or else the deuce is in it!


        CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one
ear_ and went out at _the other_!"


        CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"


        CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

        AT a tavern one night,
        Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
    Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
        Says More, "Of us three,
        The whole town will agree,
    There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
        "Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
        "I'm sure there's one _More_,
    A most terrible knave and a bite,
        Who cheated his mother,
        His sister and brother."--
    "O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."


        CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have
_stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."


        CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
_Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.


        CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_
lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

                                            £  s. d.
  At top, fish, two herrings                0  0  1
  Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
  melted                                    0  0  0-3/4
  Bottom, a mutton chop, divided            0  0  2
  On one side, one pound of small potatoes  0  0  0-1/2
  On the other side, pickled cabbage        0  0  0-1/2
  First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0  0  1-1/2
  Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
  pudding                                   0  0  0-1/2
  Parsley for garnish                       0  0  0-1/4
                                            ----------
                                           £0  0  7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!


        CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."


        CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"
said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs
and take it!"


        CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."


        CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
classed by moral distinctions.


        CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his
heart.


        CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

    "I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
    But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."


        CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
good in it."


        CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
"why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned
him_."


        CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_
a-day?"


        CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that
he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to
catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!
that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
you _have_ caught him."


        CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.


        CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said
Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."


        CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other
end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old
gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
you had brought _this child to be christened_."


        CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the
_accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_
is premeditated poverty."


        CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith,
sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."


        CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

    "A thousand different shapes wit wears,
    Comely in thousand shapes appears;
    'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
    Admired with laughter at a feast;
    Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
    The proofs of wit for ever must remain."


        CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
anything in it."


        CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."


        CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"
said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."


        CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who
gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but
at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on
the authority of Shakespeare:--

    "All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."


        CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

    DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
    Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.


        CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base
'un_," said Jerrold.


        CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee
again."


        CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."


        CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the
inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
_like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.


        CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

    DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
    Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.


        CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
takes them up than he puts them down again."


        CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine
Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the
door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
"_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."
Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty
laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a
candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the
mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
with three rounds of applause.


        CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a
broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please,
sir."


        CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them
next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for
de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"


        CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
_hereditary_ in their family to have no children."


        CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and
threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my
_waistcoat_ also."


        CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
fish, but without drink, said:--

    "In a dish came fish
    From the arch-bis-
    Hop was not there,
    Because there was no _beer_."


        CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.


        CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
"and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."


        CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves
the wise only to grow into women.


        CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."


        CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have
married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never
see again."


        CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my
lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"


        CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
passage:--

    [Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

    "I am not _over-wise_;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right,
sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."


        CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

    'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
    St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.


        CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
in _your shoes_ for all the world!"


        CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

    FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
      To steal a share of notoriety,
    Will tell you in important words,
      He _mixes_ in the best society.


        CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent
spelling_."


        CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an
underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly
interposed Judge Maule.


        CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the
general.


        CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_
(_nose_) will have it."


        CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.


        CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
Thurlow's _laid an egg_."


        CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

    FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
    Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
    Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
    Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.


        CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"


        CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_
preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without
keeping a good look-out."


        CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

    SAID Wetherall the other night
      Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
    I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
      For no one ever _knows himself_.


        CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on
the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."


        CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.

    JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
    Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
    "What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
    Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
    "That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
    Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."


        CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said
much more if our _wine_ had not failed."


        CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
should I be dangling in the air!"


        CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.
"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.


        CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

    THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
      Is surely nothing strange;
    For no one yet could ever find
      He'd any mind to change.


        CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
_hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."


        CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does
not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
Christianity." Severe.


        CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'
balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."


        CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the
room."


        CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

    SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
      Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
    Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
      She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."


        CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.


        CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No,
sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.


        CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."


        CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.


        CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the
manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of
interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks
questions."


        CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a
sovereign_ amongst them."


        CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"
replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of
them."


        CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the
Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
mouth was _very sore_.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"
which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."


        D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
"Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to
attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to
it."


        DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a
_halfpenny_," replied the urchin.


        DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the
person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did
not_ write the book."


        DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."


        DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.


        DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."


        DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a
father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
like _a child_."


        DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of
Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for
the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
"The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!


        DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a
fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un
gigot_!"


        DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

    HE says he don't think of himself,
      And I'm to believe him inclined;
    For by the confession, the elf
      Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.


        DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the
favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad
of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the
other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
"_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"


        DXI.--ANTICIPATION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my
goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
_the calf_; but you will always anticipate."


        DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"
replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
ought to know."


        DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
The _dramatis personæ_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals
in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
"_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
guérirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth
Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my
Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]


        DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord
Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state
means "dead."


        DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"
Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.
Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.


        DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected
you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
_from_ preaching."


        DXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

    THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
    The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.


        DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_,
but you stand upon _ceremony_."


        DXIX.--LATE DINNER.

SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
_to-morrow_."


        DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.

    AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
    Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
    Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
    "You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
    "Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
    For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"


        DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes,
sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"


        DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.

"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to
_Morrow_ for a novel!"


        DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.

A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred
in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_
letter."


        DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.

A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor
exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay,"
returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."


        DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.

THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
_into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."


        DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.

    AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
    And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
    "Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
    "Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.


        DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.

A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a
_very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!


        DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
"Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female
companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."


        DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.

A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."


        DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never
was_."


        DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened,
man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man,"
repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"


        DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.

AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat
ludicrously called for certain _returns_.


        DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.

A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered
chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said
Lord Mulgrave.


        DXXXIV.--REPROOF.

"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."


        DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.

MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
"You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you
will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir,
prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the
architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was
_no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"


        DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

    A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
      In a long _tête-à-tête_ with his dame,
    While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
      About giving their villa a name.
    A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
      Stole out, half an hour after dark,
    Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
      And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"


        DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.

A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
_missed_."


        DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.

ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
this!"


        DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.

A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
_difference_ between me and my friend."


        DXL.--FORAGING.

DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."


        DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.

    AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
    He happened to tread on a very small pig:
    "Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
    For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."


        DXLII.--UNKIND.

"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."


        DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.

THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed
recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown
to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as
bad as the _thief_."


        DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).

    IF really ---- do but loathe
      Things base or mean, I must confess
    I'd very freely take my oath,
      Self-love's a fault he don't possess.


        DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.

"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to
a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is
iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.


        DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.

    THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
    "Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
    I know thy fortune is but very scant,
    But never will I see my friend in want."
    Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
    He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!


        DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.

WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside
the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to
their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
times over.


        DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.

AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--

    "Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
    Excuse me, if I just step home;
    Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
    Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
    There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
    With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."


        DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.

IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
_sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time
refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.


        DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.

AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't
_lawyers_, must lave the coort."


        DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.

AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling,
Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
we'll try you sine in Stra'von."


        DLII.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."

Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost,
or _after_!

This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
_oyster_ speak as well twenty times."


        DLIII.--NOT POLITE.

MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.


        DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was
drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently
implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
one, was a condition of intoxication.


        DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

    THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
    The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.


        DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.

THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
him:--

"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"

_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."


        DLVII.--LADY ANNE.

AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on
Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."


        DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.

A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
_bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes,
sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_
stomach?"


        DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."


        DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.

MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
confine myself to _the cow_."


        DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"


        DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.

WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
_draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."


        DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
excessive gout.)

    IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
      I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
    Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
      Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.


        DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.

LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my
lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
_merriest_ life of any man in Europe."


        DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.

AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
and roared at his adversary:--

"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"

The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--

"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"

Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
the bell, and shouted:--

"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"


        DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.

MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a
lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_
evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_
evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."
Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?


        DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.

A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."


        DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear
fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."


        DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.

COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"
replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_
grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."


        DLXX.--TRUE WIT.

    TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
      Dug from Golconda's mine;
    Which boasts two various powers in one,
      To cut as well as shine.
    Genius, like that, if polished right,
      With the same gifts abounds;
    Appears at once both keen and bright,
      And sparkles while it wounds.


        DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!

A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
order you like--_alphabetical_ order."


        DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.

HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport,
performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant
makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the
enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
of tragedy--

                                    "Did not I,
    By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
    And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
    Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
    From Egypt's shores?"

The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
actor with three rounds of applause.


        DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.

A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
"how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in
silence_."


        DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.

A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"
said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."


        DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.

WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As
soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
a _brogue_."


        DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.

A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."


        DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.

AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"

Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their
quarters_."


        DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.

LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_;
and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll
wrote the following epigram:--

    "Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
    By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
    D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
    That nothing within it will ever get fat?"


        DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.

    SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
    By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
      I'll quickly make you understand;
    For can we not deduct with ease,
    That nature has designed the _seas_
      Expressly to _divide the land_?"


        DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.

DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended
he would not be able to name the complaint."


        DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the
nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."


        DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."


        DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste
their time as they please."


        DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.

SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
_did every bit_ as well."


        DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.

A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
_tête-à-tête_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
_your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.


        DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.

HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow
to the flowers."


        DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

    UPON its lofty column's stand
      Napoleon takes his place:
    His back still turned upon that land
      That never saw his face.


        DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.

A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
replied, "Look among _the robberies_."


        DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.

A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
was called _work_, and well paid!"


        DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."


        DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat,
but with very different skulls."


        DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
greater."


        DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
doctor?" groaned out poor George.


        DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)

    LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
      Which is to me a mystery profound;
    He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
      That he delights in constant _turning round_.


        DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.

DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"


        DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.

THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
_ain feet_."


        DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.

A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your
honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."


        DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.

A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the
farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen
lately."


        DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.

A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."


        DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.

MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
the board was removed.


        DCI.--DELICATE HINT.

QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."


        DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.

AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"


        DCIII.--EPIGRAM.

    A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
    Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
    The watch kept time; and if time will away,
    I see no reason why the watch should stay.
    You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
    Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
    Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
    Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.


        DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.

AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."


        DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.

A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_
it?"


        DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.

IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the
commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
_no manner of work_.


        DCVII.--STERNE.

SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
deal in _scruples_."


        DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?

MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
anecdote:--

Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then
I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."


        DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.

A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."


        DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.

"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."


        DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.

KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious
thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him
_wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.


        DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.

    GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
    And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
    A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
    "She died of _milk and water on the brain_."


        DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.

A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout
somewhere."


        DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.

A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
Wit."


        DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.

A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked
his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that
capacity?"


        DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.

WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.


        DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.

AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
_ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"


        DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.

WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this
_fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."


        DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)

    ---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
      Proceed, as everybody owns;
    And thus they prove the poet's art,
      Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."


        DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.

A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in
Yorkshire."


        DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.

AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.


        DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.

"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
see you before."

"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of
them."


        DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.

    SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
    Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
    "Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
    But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
    For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
    Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."


        DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.

LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I
_never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.


        DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."

A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.
"Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.


        DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.

DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
Wharton, then at Winchester school:--

    If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
    That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.


        DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.

A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_
you the _hint_?"


        DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.

A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.


        DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.

    WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
    She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.


        DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.

A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.


        DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.

SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir
Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's
tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.


        DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.

KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.


        DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.

SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his
self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly,
overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.

_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?

_A._ Yes.

_Q._ You are a stock-broker?

_A._ I _ham_!

Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"

The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
witness, and the counsel's point was gained.


        DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.

IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
to Barrow,--

"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)

"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),

answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--

"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)

"_Magna res_" (A great thing),

replied the young candidate in the same breath.

"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)

was the next question.

"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),

was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than
we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.


        DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.

    "PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
    Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."

Thus translated--

    "There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
    Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."


        DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in
life.


        DCXXXVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.
To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
_Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."


        DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

    SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
    Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
    Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
    For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."


        DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
shutters before there is something in the window."


        DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_,
that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so,
calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away
pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We
are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.


        DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to
their works."


        DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored
speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.


        DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.


        DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"
answered Porson.


        DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.

THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
Strand, where he resided:--

    _J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
                  And ten dark coal barges are moored:
                  Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
                  For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
                      street."

    _Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
                       From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
                     For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
                       And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."


        DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.

JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When
this you see, remember me.'"


        DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.

THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.
"Go sober!" said Foote.


        DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.

DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry
eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."


        DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.

A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
a headache."


        DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.

PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
by common consent, is the following:--

_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish
Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._

MY DEAR SIR,--

Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty
rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
ideas.

I have only time to add that I am in great haste.

  Yours truly,
  ---- ----.

P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
therefore I beg you will write to let me know.


        DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.

(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
of Sparta.")

    SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
      Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
    We caught the Spartan fortitude,
      And saw their woes without _a tear_!


        DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.

SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.


        DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.

A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in
pills_!"


        DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.

IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
us!--D.J.


        DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.

AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be
introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was
taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.


        DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.

WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a
wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"


        DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.

AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."


        DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.

DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."


        DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.

A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c.,
having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.


        DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.

VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.


        DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.

WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a
pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.


        DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.

WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A
similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.


        DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.

THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late
George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
"Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
was punished accordingly.


        DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.

JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without
the head or the point."


        DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.

WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the
comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It
should have been Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_!"


        DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.

WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral!
white at _the main_!"


        DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."


        DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.

THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
_Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in
soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an
auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other
house_."


        DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.

MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_
hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"


        DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never
observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As
you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for
Measure_."


        DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
_that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its
due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.


        DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."


        DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.

    "I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
        Said a punster perusing a trial;
    "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
        He's been _Vaux et præterea nihil_."


        DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.


        DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."


        DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

    AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
    Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
    In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
    Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
    Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
    Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
    Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
    If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"


        DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when
speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it
poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole
_encyclopædias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two
_mandami_.


        DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted
upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do
you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes,
indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck
by your _barrenness_," was the retort.


        DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.


        DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.

A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his
silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one
occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament
called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much
eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles,
without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked
across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy
chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."


        DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.

MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"
upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain
_common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
ken."


        DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.

A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he
put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir,"
stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."


        DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.

PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said,
"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson
good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it
be as like _two shillings_ as you can."


        DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.

    THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
    Is built upon the fool or madman's head.


        DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.

COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into
it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him,
"B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the
chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head,
and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you
scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright
your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"


        DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.

THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with
black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great
solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So
friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ God Almighty." This
seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was
addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and
went about her necessary business and avocations.


        DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.

A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she,
"thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth.
"Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not
make a practice of it."


        DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!

WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I
want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
be off!"


        DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following
advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition
steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the
captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time,
especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the
resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid
their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons
without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why
to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat,
and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have
not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the
rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard
during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger
overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives
an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"


        DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate
him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let
me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case
was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave
you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."


        DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said
the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_
makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"


        DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a
_mute_.


        DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a
broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"
After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the
owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."


        DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster
Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is
colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so
_large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."


        DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive
evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--

"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze
pretty sure the defendant throwed it."

"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."

"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."

"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a
stone of some bigness."

"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I
recollect, it wur something of a stone."

"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare
it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large
as a lump o' chalk!"


        DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.

A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another
that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other,
"I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."


        DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.

STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose,
Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which
of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are
_gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_,
but the _epicures_ will attack you!"


        DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.

IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery
bier_."


        DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS),
        WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."

    THIS name's the best that could be given,
      As will by proof be quickly seen;
    For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
      She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.


        DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.

IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear
friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do
not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase
at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this
matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they
had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an
avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young
rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I
pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my
administration has been attended with a different effect."

"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty
of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one
night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand,
and _up starts_ a patriot."


        DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."

WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was
so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so
much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to
get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and
for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and
accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord
Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."


        DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.

    THE first of all the royal infant males
    Should take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
    Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
    Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.


        DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.

A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.


        DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.

A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.


        DCCV.--NOT TRUE.

A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"
replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more
likely to make a good husband."


        DCCVI.--BETTING.

THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
"Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at
White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the
club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they
were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said
it would affect the fairness of the bet."


        DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.

PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of
attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."


        DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.

    THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
      Passes near your parish spire;
    Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
      E'er will overwhelmed expire.
    Put not then your hopes in weepers,
      Solid work my road secures;
    Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers
      Never will awaken _yours_.

These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the
_last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented
author,--James Smith.


        DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.

COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a
philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the
dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener
no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed,
"_Them's the jockeys for me_!"


        DCCX.--EQUALITY.

A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for
a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the
highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep
off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"


        DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.

AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the
defendant."


        DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.

WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would
spend £50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true
English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would
pay for that.


        DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.

A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing
counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are
you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you
dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."


        DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.

DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to
acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go,
one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him
to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid
his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--

    "Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
    And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
    Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
    Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
    Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
    His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."


        DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.

MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady,
she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately
jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again,
she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so
wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.


        DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.

THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they
could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who
heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly
hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they
were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been
laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom
he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received
for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld
sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld
sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."


        DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.

LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.


        DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.

A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you
know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are
better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter,
for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."


        DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.

AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family
plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!


        DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.

A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the
toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to
jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be
_capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"


        DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.

AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of
physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was
necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation,
which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.
"O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an
agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my
dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall
live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not:
there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a
week."


        DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.

    LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
      What secret care consumes her youth,
    And circumscribes her smiles?
      _A speck on a front tooth._


        DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?

A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what
is going on to-day?"

Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"


        DCCXXIV.--SNORING.

A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to
commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in
the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."


        DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.

SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse:
"Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which
Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."


        DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.

TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a
witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for
thou liest every day and all the year long."


        DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.


        DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

    "HE that will never look upon an ass,
    Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."


        DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.

A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can
discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't
see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."


        DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.

A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money,
made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in
the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat
the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a
sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the
swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the
company."


        DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.

ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of
_fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not
quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you
would not give him under _two guineas_."


        DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.

AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
"Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."


        CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.

WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him
for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every
day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not
qualified to kill game, and I am_."


        CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.

WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his
abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know,"
replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."


        DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.

LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord
Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his
talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said
Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your
_butter_."


        DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.

HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything
remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker
entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark,
he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to
build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering
premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.
Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir
Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"


        DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.

"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed
gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.

"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting
reply.


        DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.

A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress
from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into
the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how
long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty
minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to
_finish_ by the time he _returned_.


        DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.

(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)

    THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
      Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
    'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense,
      Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.


        DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.

WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of
strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's
V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut
out of them," replied Jerrold.


        DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

    NO wonder the debate fell dead
    'Neath such a constant fire of lead.


        DCCXLII.--PAINTING.

A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you
want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."


        DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.

A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle
which is sometimes visited by spirits_."


        DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.

"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently
not so good as yours," replied B.


        DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.

A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
demand of payment was made for the whiskey.

"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"

"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."

"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man
alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
brown study.


        DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham,
and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.

"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the
carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord
Campbell, with a smile.

Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word
during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum
up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the
Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its
orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very
respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for
such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued,
and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the
sentence.


        DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.

SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to
salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a
man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."


        DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.

    WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
      My savings are complete;
    I light the candle at both ends,
      And thus make both ends meet.


        DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.

A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_.
"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned
away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."


        DCCL.--PERT.

MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very
merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.
"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"


        DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.

THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on
the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a
butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice
pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my
reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to
Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with
a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _muff_!'"


        DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.

AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case
being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question,
"Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not
otherwise."


        DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.

A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he
is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste,
eh?"

"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"


        DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."

MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it
"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He
took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was
interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but
one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising
his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish
_to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an
universal cheering, long and loud.


        DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.

JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself
so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to
get rid of the reputation."


        DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.

ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal
to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the
barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said
a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good
measure_ of it, anyhow."


        DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.

AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flourishing_, in 1825, Mr.
Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of
those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to
partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be
defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he,
"you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."


        DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the King's double dealing.)

    OF such a paradox as this,
    Before I never dreamt;
    The King of England has become,
    A _subject_ of contempt!!!


        DCCLIX.--PAINTING.

A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that
painting I think myself _deaf_."


        DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.

A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house,
"don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered
the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."


        DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.

LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a
nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a
nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"


        DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.

A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera,"
got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung
beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord,"
replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."


        DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.

GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he
to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed,
he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said
_General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude,
"we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Cæsar." Wolfe, who was
within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the
pleasure he felt at the high compliment.


        DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.

    AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
    Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
    "I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
    "Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
    Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
    As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."


        DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.

WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed
Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for
nothing_!"


        DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.

SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."


        DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.

THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your
_book-seller_."


        DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.

WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."


        DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.

    A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
    A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
    A nod significant, a stately gait,
    A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
    A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
    Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
    Then rest assured that those of little sense
    Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.


        DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.

A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."


        DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.

A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John;
"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away
rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in
there."


        DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.

"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I
can!" was the calm reply.


        DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.

A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"


        DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.

A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--

    "This collar don't belong to you, sir,
    Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."

The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
whose collar was inscribed:--

    "I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"


        DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.

FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
_Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of
it."


        DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.

AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
anything during _the night_!"


        DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.

CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be,
sir, with the _other_ passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece
of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."


        DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a
mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation,
exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this
before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't
expect to _go out_ of this town."


        DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.

DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who,
as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there
(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of
remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I
shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him,
and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly
too.


        DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.

    CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
      "What reason can be given,
    Since marriage is a holy thing,
      That there are none in Heaven?"

    "There are no women," he replied.
      She quick returns the jest,--
    "Women there are, but I'm afraid
      They cannot find a priest."


        DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.

WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to
throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to
the Church Establishment?"


        DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.

SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us
_breath_."


        DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.

A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own
way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to
_give them_."


        DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.

A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was
a complete master of the art.

[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]


        DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.

A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at
last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office
were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited
outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was
unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the
armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his
friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_
I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."


        DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.

THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a
_good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he
used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon
by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as
shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is
this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this
your name and handwriting?"


        DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.

JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!
there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.


        DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.

CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be
corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all
turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!"
exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he
cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.


        DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.

    ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
    Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
    But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
    Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
    St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
    And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."


        DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.

HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.
Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am
delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."


        DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.

"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young
Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted
pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked
it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the
proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of
its wants.'"


        DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.

A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere
_toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister,
sitting behind him.


        DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.

BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support
by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a
shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.


        DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.

SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
an "_ars bablativa_."


        DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)

    THE Whigs, because they rat and change
      To Toryism, all must spurn;
    Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
      That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.


        DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.

THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his
arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have
apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round
_so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being
asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without
assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _assistance_ of a
bottle of Madeira."


        DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.

THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was
reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very
often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally
employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the
_sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a
quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being
removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at
Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed,
and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and
bang went the fiddle to pieces.


        DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on
the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--

"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads
together, and there is the wood pavement."

This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.


        DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.

AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many
minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he
was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That,"
replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a
_gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"


        DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.

WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that
marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a
colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden
thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and
is ready to do it again."


        DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.

EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But
what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"


        DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.

STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to
serve them as some people do lords, learn their _titles_ and then _brag_
of their acquaintance."


        DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.

WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp
Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed,
when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his
Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried
the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It
was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry
faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and
fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "_may profit
by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."


        DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.

ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.


        DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.

"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the
English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just
to celebrate the event."


        DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.

    WHEN by a jury one is tried,
    Twelve of _his equals_ are implied;
    Then W---- might attempt in vain,
    This sacred privilege to obtain.
    Since human nature ne'er on earth
    Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.


        DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.

JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the
Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said
he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's
History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said
the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.


        DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.

LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is
admirable.

Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not
being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father
had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his
family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore,
who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur,
I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"

The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander
the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once
formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the
clan must have come!


        DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.

ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to
it_!"


        DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.

A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to
the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after
noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said,
"Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do
with the Norfolks and Arundels."


        DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.

AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.
"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"


        DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.

IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of
the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house _Almack's_, "For,"
said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call _Mac_, you
will have a head popped out of every window."


        DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)

    OF miracles this is _sans doute_ the most rare,
    I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
    A man with abundance of _scents_ in his _hair_,
    Without the least atom of _sense_ in his _head_.


        DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.

A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing
elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the
_state of the poll_.

                                                                 G. A'B.


        DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.

JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.


        DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.

TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it
was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was
delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a
personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes:
she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in _your_
celebrated '_Almanac_' for the last five or six years!"


        DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.

MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between
them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."


        DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.

IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning
of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every
day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length
and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in
very large letters, the following: "_Tondapamubomenos set up in these
grounds_." It was perfectly a "patent safety."


        DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.

A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I
can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you _uncover_ your face."


        DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.

    NO wonder Tory landlords flout
      "Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
    With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
      Must go against the grain.


        DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.

DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to
admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that
Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of
tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be
from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he
had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "_broke_ his leg, and applied to me
for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with
the celebrated _tar-water_. Almost immediately the sailor felt the
beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg
was completely _healed_!" The letter was read, and discussed at the
meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of
opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the
restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country
practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of
the sailor was a _wooden leg_!"


        DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.

"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person
who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know
what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very
well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to _take away all
that_."


        DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.

AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale _which
was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin_.


        DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.

YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of
Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through
which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field
was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said
Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field _to bury_ strangers
in."


        DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.

LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,
Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--

    Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
    Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
    And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
    Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
    But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
    A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
    And should dirt its original purity hide,
    'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.


        DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity
courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you
are not so easily disposed of. One is _prussic acid_, and the other
_laudanum_."


        DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.

COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked
which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
_prompter_, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least _of him_."


        DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.

"WERE I but a _king_," said a country boy, "I would _eat_ my fill of fat
bacon, and _swing_ upon a gate all day long."


        DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.

    WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
      Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
    No wonder that he don't remember _me_;
      Why so? you see he has forgot _himself_.


        DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.

REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.


        DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.

IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_
her."


        DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

    THE jolly members of a toping club
    Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
    And in a close confederacy link
    For nothing else, but only to hold drink.


        DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.

THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another
that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty,
considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was
the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore
could not have many _effects_."


        DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.

TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the
door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she
calls you one."


        DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.

ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up,
Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_,"
answered the wit.


        DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.

    "THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
      Although he was hearty last night;
    'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
      The poor fellow died of affright."


        DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him,
were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of
the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a
_sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay
you by the piece_."


        DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.

BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to
the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and
if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
weel."


        DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?

THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the
prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some
beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will
he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business
proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.


        DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.

"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were
St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me
in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better
for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let
_you out_."


        DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.

THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother.
"_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.


        DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.

IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from
the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost
_nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly
observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his
life."


        DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.

A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of
a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every
Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.


        DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.

LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no
less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to
purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then
went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
never after that was possessed of a bad title.


        DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.

    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
    Is there a day that asses do not speak?


        DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.

JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,

_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"


        DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.

A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom
he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going
round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's
hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your
coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."


        DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.

AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard
the evidence_?"


        DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."

    AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
      At thirty, tame, if ever;
    At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
      At sixty, good, or never!


        DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.

A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping
but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O
no, I belong to _another_ parish."


        DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.

SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met
the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed
between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."
To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."


        DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.

COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to
him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_
all your _dirty_ shirts."


        DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.

FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather
being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in
the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his
chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No,
no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a
leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am
afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_,"
which was his wooden one.


        DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.

ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so
much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."


        DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.

    EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
    With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
    For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
    We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.


        DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.

ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course
of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious
circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war,
along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were
summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the
conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death,
as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his
regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots,
without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then
bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed,
"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in
my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And
what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember
saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'"
But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from
the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose,
and the Captain was permitted to escape.


        DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.

MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I
have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what
game_?"


        DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.

SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you
mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon
that_." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was
Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Passion_ week in the
parlor."


        DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it
to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the
bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the
author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly
as possible_."


        DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.

SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely
rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient,
pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"


        DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.

    HE that's married once may be
    Pardoned his infirmity.
    He that marries twice is mad:
    But, if you can find a fool
    Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
    Flog him, flog him back to school.


        DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that
chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you
must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know
that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."


        DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old
bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_
task I find it."


        DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library
at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the
pleasure-grounds:--

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
being shown over the improvements."


        DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURÆ.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
"save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of
age."


        DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you
have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"


        DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection
happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have
been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.


        DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that
he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an
equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than
himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had
fifty who _deserved hanging_.


        DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

    TO win the maid the poet tries,
    And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
    She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim,
    She still appears _a-verse_ to him.


        DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his
serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers
got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.


        DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.

IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers
have most materially extended it.


        DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them
a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more
celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny
lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it
neither _applies_ to you nor me."


        DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."


        DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
"Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no
man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he
spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years
treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.


        DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why,
sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our
ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated
the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"


        DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that
very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.


        DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of
tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of
which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the
implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with
the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son.
"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take
th' _ould_ ones?"


        DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX,"
concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four
glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home
gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."


        DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your
blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If
Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with
_blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it
punished with _death_!"


        DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon
an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.


        DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple
of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of
_capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men
begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did
not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship.
"Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop,
"_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."


        DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

    "THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
    Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
    And to believe his lordship I am prone,
    Seeing that he himself is left behind.


        DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.
"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my
pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of
success. Your pieces have all been tried before."


        DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am
surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know
you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for
_those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."


        DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man
who _makes his own will_."


        DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend,
"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books
themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."


        DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On
discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg
pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the
honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly
replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this
Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland,
perhaps I could be."


        DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a
dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not
been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded
that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_
to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.


        DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular
form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to
me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf)
"Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.


        DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says
he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris
were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive
to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed
it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to
the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the
majority, and by this means the bill passed."


        DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door,
I can assure you."


        DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was
answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was
the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at
my door in the morning."


        DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!
poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."


        DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular
use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not
sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good
nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep
upon it."


        DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he
is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art
thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may
be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_
very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy
pocket?" inquired the "Friend."


        DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he,
"it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget
it_."


        DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

    HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
    Dissect an ass before you try your skill.


        DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
to _clinch the roots_.


        DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"
inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_,
so they won't know it."


        CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to
turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and
asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?
"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made
amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _à la tête
tranchée_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop
his handkerchief for the signal.


        CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"
replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a
gainer by the bargain."


        CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the
way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on
as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake
them_."


        CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial
spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do
you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your
duns!"


        CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she
is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't
you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by
art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her:
_nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."


        CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he
ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"
said he, "have _friends_ than hares."


        CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you
have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No,
sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a
pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."


        CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish
as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving
as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller,
laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and
some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller
has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.
"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."


        CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

    MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
    I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.


        CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back,
and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much
of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."


        CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a
glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."


        CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

    YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
      And like the _half_ you've pilfered best;
    But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
      Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!


        CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green
Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all,
you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David,"
rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator
for this hot weather."


        CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said
the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"


        CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He
certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.


        CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the
testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to
himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case
I rather think your lordship _takes the will for the deed_."


        CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that,
if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him,
by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.


        CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.
Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on
account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him
sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared
up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."


        CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty,
he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all
night."


        CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)

    IF it's true a newly made M.P.
    Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
      As the said landlord certainly alleges,
    No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
    Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
      "Some members are too much disposed for pledges."


        CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of
conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in
question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"
said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state
of his saucers."


        CMXXI.--A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted
_Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
_Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I
cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech
you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amusement of the
audience, he played "God save the king!"


        CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing
elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them,
for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.


        CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a
living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the
morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_
he says."


        CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it
would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."


        CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one
person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean
_his departure_.--G. A'B.


        CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near
the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the
_racecourse_."


        CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter
Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one
striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used
in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the
room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--

    "No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
    Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
    Majestic silence," &c.


        CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of
his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.
During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man
whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He
traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end
without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about
to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his
labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her
friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named
Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed,
does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been
rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man
with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and
Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell
into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length,
however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her
companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!
whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she
added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"


        CMXXIX.--A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his
friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You
have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.


        CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the
evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to
the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was
personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is
naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--

Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
town_!

Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
town_!!

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say
that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at
that particular moment, have been put to him.


        CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On a little member's versatility.)

    WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
      To _rat_, there is a reason strong,
    He needs be _everything by turns_,
      Who is by nature _nothing long_.


        CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.

THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
_late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the
reprover.


        CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so
little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without
hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first
fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any
advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out
of the ring shall go for nothing."


        CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was
puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that
should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.


        CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.

    FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
    Who values herself on her family's blood:
    Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
                                            _Libera me!_

    From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
    Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
    And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
                                            _Libera me!_

    From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
    But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
    And still to bind over will find some pretence,
                                            _Libera me!_

    From dealing with great men and taking their word,
    From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
    Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
                                            _Libera me!_

    From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
    From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
    From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
                                            _Libera me!_


        CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see
the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little
dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride,
cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down
little _China_."


        CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.

    A CORRESPONDENT, something new
    Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
    The editor his letter read,
    And begged he might be X.Q.Z.


        CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.

IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of
this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had
given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he
might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in
disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made
the following elegant retort:--

    "_Laudatur ab his_."


        CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.

A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.


        CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.

A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern
you_."


        CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.

    I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
    I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.


        CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.

GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said
Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"


        CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.

COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin
Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were
visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the
audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his
failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When
the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder
hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and
striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of
mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and
was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having
cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in
vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling,
thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the
value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is
lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only
son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not
many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the
defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they
choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he
staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing
the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed
£1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but,
too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as
the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the
business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor
played the part.


        CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.

"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young
Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."


        CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.

A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded,
he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially
made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and
after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a
similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a
tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation,
referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up
an' awa_?"


        CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.

ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag,
in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to
lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the
modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--

    "Happy and glorious"--
    _Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us,
    _Heaven send no more of us_,
                  God save the Queen!

which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a
full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.


        CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?

    HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
    Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow,
    For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
    Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!


        CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.

HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping
his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson
took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir,
was a _digression_: now for the argument."


        CMXLIX.--LYING.

DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.


        CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.

A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says
the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"


        CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.

CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much
longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's
ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"


        CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field,
where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were
collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of
opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot
retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last
cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive
everywhere."


        CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.


        CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following
note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead
my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be
hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be
hanged, then, if I do_."


        CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury
_one-and-twenty of them_."


        CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how
many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"


        CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
_represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult
to the members who represent that wretched country."


        CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

    IF by their names we things should call,
      It surely would be _properer_,
    To term a singing piece a bawl,
      A dancing piece a _hopperer_!


        CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear
it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.


        CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have
a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With
pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against
_the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.


        CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
"It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and
_gape_ at the same time."


        CMLXII.--TROPHIES.

A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the
Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had
many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."


        CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?
Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."


        CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first
sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."


        CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.
No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.


        CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.

    A GREAT pretender to gentility
    Came to a herald for his pedigree:
    The herald, knowing what he was, begun
    To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
    Told him he was a gentleman of note,
    And that he had a very glorious coat.
    "Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
    "Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
    One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
    A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
    And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
    There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."


        CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with
great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an
_emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my
stomach either time."


        CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
enemy.


        CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the
young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"


        CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are
you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand
pounds!"


        CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."


        CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the
Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort
of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked
at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it
all into _cheese_ several years ago!"


        CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.

"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a
prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put
there for but to find that out?"


        CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
"You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand
me_."


        CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

    FRANK, who will any friend supply,
    Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
    "Give me a pen, it is but fair
    You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
    Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
    No need to waste my paper too."


        CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_
we have for each other."


        CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A
GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people
as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their
prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."


        CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X----
in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some
important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his
office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many
patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in
the vicinity.


        CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be
livin' on the first flure."


        CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE
        OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

    HIS degradation is complete,
      His name with loss of honor branding:
    When he resolved to win his seat
      He literally lost his standing.


        CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it
being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----,
did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I
would subscribe too."


        CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out
as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could
be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such
an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."


        CMLXXXIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his
college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some
_jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to
alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the
following extemporaneous lines:--

    A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made,
    And fenced it with a _little_ palisade;
    Because this garden made a _little_ talk,
    He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk;
    And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett,
    A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.


        CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
the other.


        CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which
his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.
The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he
should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as
you live."


        CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the
coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural
curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this
bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then
very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your
_wine-cellar_!"


        CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a
boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
haste, and digested them at leisure."


        CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between
them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the
sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far
as it will go_."


        CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a
sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No,"
said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.


        CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.

ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ----
approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in
before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing
the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and
then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read
the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."


        CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.

A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The
unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop;
beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the
remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech
quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his
softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."


        CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.

KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after
the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting
him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's
a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."

Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies
from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the
infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often
unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes
of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play
_Othello_."


        CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.

AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian
Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript
Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate
me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the
transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his
opponents.--S.S.


        CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.

THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always
poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.


        CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.

A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages."


        CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.

    THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
    "How sweet a thing is charity,
    The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
    "It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
    "And instantly I'll go and--ask it."


        CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.

AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of
his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest
son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"


        CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
_baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote,
who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as
appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended
the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely
paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town,
Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment
to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at
the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."


        CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.

THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.


        M.--GRAFTING.

VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the
Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious
forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a
peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!


        MI.--A SHORT CREED.

A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then
young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."


        MII.--IN THE DARK.

A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming
their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.


        MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.

"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of
Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll
give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down
if you'd give me _two dozen_!"


        MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.

HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by
the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after
the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him
on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of
the _Last Ministry_!"


        MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.

    AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
    Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
    "The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
    Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
    But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
    That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."


        MVI.--A COMMON WANT.

IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
disputants, he began:--

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"

"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.


        MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.

THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a
party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that
"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr.
Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."


        MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow,
slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the
sight of his _bear_.


        MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.

    READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
    Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.


        MX.--SMART REPLY.

SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the
reply.


        MXI.--CALUMNY.

GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They
tell me, Sir John, you love a _glass_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have
so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me
great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"


        MXII.--LOVE.

THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in
life.--D.J.


        MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_
countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let
him_!"


        MXIV.--TOO FAST.

TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other
joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."


        MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.

A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he
had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I
should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"


        MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.

THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of
conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they
thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a
_transporting_ one."


        MXVII.--HARD-WARE.

A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--

    Such notes, as warbled to the string,
    Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.

The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably
delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in
iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.


        MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.

A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are
_exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."


        MXIX.--DOGMATISM

IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.


        MXX.--SALAD.

    TO make this condiment your poet begs
    The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
    Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
    Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
    Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
    And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
    Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
    Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
    But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
    To add a double quantity of salt.
    And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
    A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
    O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
    'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
    Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
    And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
    Serenely full, the epicure would say,
    "Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"


        MXXI.--ACTOR.

A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty
pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A
comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with
wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and
do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"


        MXXII.--EPIGRAM.

    THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
    For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.


        MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.

"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."


        MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.

    WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
      (I note it here in charity),
    Had taste in beauty, and with them
      The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!


        MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.

RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and
watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered
something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying
to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been
unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought
to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your
Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened
to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a
very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go
off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.


        MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.

A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can
furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two
volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them
once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"


        MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)

    THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
      The House would most willingly spare them;
    For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_,
      That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.


        MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.

A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging
from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon
failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly
abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst
the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of
the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the
snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became
back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the
minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that
he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new
idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."
The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was
John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath
snuff now came into good use.

[B] Swept.


        MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
principles he has always professed.)

    SURE in the House he'll do but little good
    Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."


        MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.

LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools
or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll
tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But,
perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't
mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the
answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I
should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_
in the twinkling of an eye!"


        MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.

AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked
down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"


        MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.

    SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
      Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us;
    If you do wish to damn us quite,
      Only begin to _praise_ us!


        MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.

MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern
General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper,
and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased,
and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa
never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the
paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows:
"General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for
parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally
rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks
_twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to
her father.


        MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.

A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near
thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret
at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every
day."


        MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.

PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English
physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a
coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that
he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had
digested_.


        MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacificum_." A curate,
who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was
_Mare Mortuum_ first."


        MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.

A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
_hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your
solitude_."


        MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.

    SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
    That friends, who hear him most, advise
    The egotist to change his name
    To "Argus," with his hundred I's!


        MXXXIX.--A POSER.

IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my
lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The
Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both
sides, whom will you have me believe?"


        MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.

A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked
a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll
tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."


        MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.

    SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
    The early bishops used to join the dance,
    And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
    That Bishops still know how to pirouette.


        MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.

A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are
you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may
leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both
sides_."


        MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.

"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had
been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but
gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"


        MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.

"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.

"Yes, your honor," was the reply.

"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned
counsel.

"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.


        AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.

    POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
    Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
    For twenty years he did the duties well,
    Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
    But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
    To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
    The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
    Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"


        MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.

A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner,
entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his
parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin,
being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair
of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I
think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"


        MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.

FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
"Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I
don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have
everything keep to its _native element_."


        MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.

"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake,
ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_
than he is!"


        MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.

STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of
treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine
sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The
husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his
wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think
so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."


        ML.--CROMWELL.

ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--

    "The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
    Is the name of the man that murdered the king."


        MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.

AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to
settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_
painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George
the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this
circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he
wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which
Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN
FULL."


        MLII.--WOMEN.

AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our
mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in
all ages our friends."

A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a
woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and
a woman to make us _forget_ them."


        MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.

AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.
This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always
went through _thick_ and _thin_."


        MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.

CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if
_dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"


        MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.

POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of
beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I
will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did,
till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a
haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at
trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way
to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'
standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"


        MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."

    SHELLEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"
    And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
    For surely an age would be spent in the finding
    A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.


        MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.

HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was
_trying_."


        MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.

THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding
evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous
emotions.--S.S.


        MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.

_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
Sycophant._

    SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
    Because the character was drawn too true;
    It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
    That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.


        MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.

AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
him _standing behind a tree_.


        MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.

A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath
than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should
find a _husband_ at the bottom."


        MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.

A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you
want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I
can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that
makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.


        MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.

FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"
said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."


        MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.

WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into
the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put
little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I
shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."


        MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.

LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on,
Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in
_consultation_."


        MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.

A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that
time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did
you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running
away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he
was_."


        MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.

SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish
towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped
himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at
the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"


        MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
CHAPEL.

    TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
    Oh could I do but either as I ought!
    In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
    I pray too little, and I fast too much.


        MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.

A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."


        MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.

COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand
head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has
still an eye to the woolsack."


        MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.

SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury
Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where
the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui
lumen adeptum."


        MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!

WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if
he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I
had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a
two-pair-of-stairs window."


        MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.

SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in
India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed,
"Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"


        MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.

A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."


        MLXXV.--A BALANCE.

"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith,
I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."


        MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.

WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one
of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that
work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven shillings_ a week
isn't _sweating_ wages."


        MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.

    STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
    Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
    The etymological cause, I suppose, is
    His breaking the bridges of so many noses.


        MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.

PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very
first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for
representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a
nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic
description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the
hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war,
without once descending from his position!

A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts.
The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have
five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a
week.


        MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.

"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an
apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer
does not deal in _scruples_."


        MLXXX.--GAMBLING.

I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.


        MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.

WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
office!


        MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.

    HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
    For none are slaves in thy dominion;
    Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
    The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.


        MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.

FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to
attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in
Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought
he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the
party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes
before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to
him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down
without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the
pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.
As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding
none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my
Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And,
sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_
mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good
evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was
more frightened.


        MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.

AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be
sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney
retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."


        MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.

AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed,
that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the
last _ten years_.


        MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.

A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he
should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the
bars_," replied the friend.


        MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.

THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the
Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could
I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It
will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your
_list_ shoes."


        MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.

MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said
Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."


        MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.

A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile
it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!"
replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes
behind my back."


        MXC.--PRIORITY.

AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for
his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me,
Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."


        MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?

A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the
proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the _tenants_
complain."


        MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.

THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a
friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that,"
was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with
_snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The
doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and
interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the
annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated
next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much,
as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of
them," observed the learned bear.


        MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.

JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his
disappointment.

_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever
wrote.

_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
wrote.


        MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.

    W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
      The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
    But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over;
      His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.


        MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.

THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at
the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of
manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He
replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I
really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On
asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham
say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and
counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."


        MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.

    "I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
      That shall not fall on me."
    "Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies,
      "For those you _never_ see."


        MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?

A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very
proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion,
and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well,
sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."


        MXCVIII.--ENVY.

A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied
another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I
wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the
whiskey he had drunk.


        MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
_upon it_."


        MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.

A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as
you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home.
In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and
his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the
laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast;
many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he
would _keep his word_ some day."


        MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."

MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech,
but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his
solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.
"Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two;
at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can
tell you_!"


        MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.

    TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
    The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
    Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
    _This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!


        MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.

THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o'
leavin' yet_."


        MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.

A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian
system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."


        MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.

CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own
honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on
the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.


        MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.

    WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
    Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
    The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
    Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"


        MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.

JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy
shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many
years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of
us."


        MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.

IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George
IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the
leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed
Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to
ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these
distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going
direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission,
Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and
_I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."


        MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.

A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he
observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we
ran, and they ran _after us_."


        MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.

AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and
solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.
"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never
could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King
George."


        MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.

A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in
a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the
Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter
only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other
criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their
fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair,
and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North
coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to
them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the
starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.


        MCXII.--INCAPACITY.

A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would
permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."


        MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)

    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
    Is there a night that asses do not speak?


        MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.

PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting
him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking,
and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His
friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson.
"_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the
note."


        MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.

SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the
organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ,"
interrupted an auditor.


        MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.

A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite
passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and
jealousy_, smothers her."


        MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.

DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
drinking:--

    "Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
    Or lest you should be by and by,
    Or any other reason why."


        MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.

AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I
don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white
sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
_fleeced_."


        MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.

AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have
been _more_ women than men married this year."


        MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.

A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_,
told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles
answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore
this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that
evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."


        MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the
troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the
prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.


        MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.

A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera
true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D]
breakfast."

[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.

[D] Insipid.


        MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.

A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound
sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my
present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit
some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a
shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"
said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all
day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to
_work_!"


        MCXXIV.--WHIST.

MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a
deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on
the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life,
and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment
he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"


        MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.

THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a
barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the
former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer,
"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to
a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the
first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a
slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars,"
replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as
your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."


        MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.

    THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
    Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.


        MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.

TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why,
Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at
dinner ever since_."


        MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.

AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can
your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or
I'd wring his _head off_."


        MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.

THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body
they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.
----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was
discovered in this very inconvenient situation.


        MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.

CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_
either till he comes back."


        MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)

    WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
      So lengthily his subject to pursue,
    That listeners (out of patience) often fear
      He has indeed _eternity in view_.


        MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.

MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The
moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this,
we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that
weighed sixty-eight pounds.


        MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.

ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his
antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down
the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the
relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."


        MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.

SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_
tiresome."


        MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.

AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one
of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I
really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."


        MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."

A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off
started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a
quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got
across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."


        MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.

DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more
convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct
road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out
of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the
bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the
way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."


        MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.

A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said,
"Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."


        MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come,
now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You
won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell
you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."


        MCXL.--EPIGRAM.

    TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
      To please in different stations;
    For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_,
      And one in _Meditations_.
    Each had its pungent power applied
      To aid the dead and dying;
    _This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_,
      _That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.


        MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.

IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single
epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of
Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.

Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that
excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good
Knight."


        MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The
Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."


        MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.

A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business
be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume
you are a cutter of _bungs_?"


        MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.

CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the
Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was
Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she
was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House,
the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel;
her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord
Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of
her accoucheur being Croft.


        MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and
hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on
the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.


        MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,
having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he
forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth
immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or
not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the
physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so
_good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill
them."


        MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

    OWEN MOORE has run away,
    Owing more than he can pay.


        MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at
last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you
that as _an annuity_ for your life."


        MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging
sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve
you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting
for _all parishes_."


        MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his
opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_,"
replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne
of England."


        MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great
promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."


        MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so
with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive
a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in
writing_."


        MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his
servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room,
"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very
glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."


        MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered
the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your
great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the
questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished
there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do
me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably
in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly
in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you
_go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"


        MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing
all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_
me."


        MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here
titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke
responded, "No; but I am NOW."


        MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as
country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for
two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook
them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the
word.


        MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned
down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at
first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same
evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact,
"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any
longer_."


        MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier,
"be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."


        MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a
_philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he
collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the
proceeds."


        MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity,
he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not
thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was
against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask
twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for
seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he
has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."


        MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow,
shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the
gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied
the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word
of _Latin_."


        MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day
when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and
asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great
sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him
long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then
you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."


        MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his
application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different
opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"
added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."


        MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his
operations satisfactory.


        MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being
likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you,
madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."


        MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the
workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made,
he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything
that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why
then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you
these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do
you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray
come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very
distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."


        MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.
"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal
highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally
_loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just
entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your
mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."


        MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these
Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he
caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE,
BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.


        MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen
his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the
non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like
you_."


        MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at
the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his
old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed,
but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I
recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I
shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."


        MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad
affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he
suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the
relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."


        MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix,
_for I can't rise from the fire_."


        MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of
mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not
many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And
larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my
lord--_for ever_!"


        MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I
do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have
seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."


        MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual
increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of
this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"


        MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_,
but the _water_ was _smoky_!"


        MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we
must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.


        MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the
_other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in
Hudibras,--

    "For Hudibras wore but one spur;
    As wisely knowing, could he stir
    To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]


        MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
"_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."


        MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.

A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being
asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring
to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and
confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told
you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty
years, it has been my _manner_."


        MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.

JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_
for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented
by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the
prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is
no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."


        MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.

SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to
know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the
Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."


        MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.

"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will
never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that
quickly," replied a bystander.


        MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.

A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings,
and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his
elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a
witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C----
the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the
better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see
him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half
slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."


        MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.

A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a
small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In
the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles,
instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax
candle_.


        MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.

"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house
at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.


        MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.

ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And
why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes,
mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out
all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle,
and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"


        MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.

A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report
the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions
_always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl
brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she
de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"


        MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.

A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a
lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate,
who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next
year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably
together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."


        MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.

MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord
Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I
declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of
the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and,
should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought
to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is
the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of
my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of
John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the
purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."


        MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.

LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never
put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the
blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is
_not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."


        MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.

MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of
refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in
_exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied,
"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye
can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in
the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."


        MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.

IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his
younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by
the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he,
"it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my
brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."


        MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.

IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much
laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for
the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants
in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive
words than these could not be found in any language.


        MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.

THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not
fail to take.


        MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.

MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of
your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant
relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
reply.


        MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

    "HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
    "The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said."
    "That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be
    With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."


        MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.

A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied
the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the
gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your
names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very
deliberately walked off.


        MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.

BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I
like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get
over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"


        MCCI.--NON COMPOS.

IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.


        MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.

A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you
have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."


        MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.

    HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
      For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
    As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,
      And then he _mizzled_!


        MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.

P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him.
"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the
author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the
preference"; and accordingly took the lead.


        MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.

DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient
rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor,
shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all
your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your
glass, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of
it_ the better."


        MCCVI.--SEVERE.

A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "_she_." The
son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than
the hull."


        MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.

A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime
cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never
_paid a farthing for it himself_."


        MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.

A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The
little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
plum-pudding _to-night_."


        MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.

A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."


        MCCX.--JUDGMENT.

JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his
sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father,
Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of
sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
his head?"


        MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.

    IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
    You're like your picture, though it's not like you.


        MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.

IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they
have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.


        MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an
advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.


        MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.

ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert
Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly
desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those
cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.
The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of
honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly
a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that
everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?
What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor;
a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a
roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and
so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the
maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she
convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in
a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black
rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!


        MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.

LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken
immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on
the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most
excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had
ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of
impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the
sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his
body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he
has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."


        MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."

IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the
gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an _exeat_, in
rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself
through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he
stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the
student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank
you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew
himself back on the outside.


        MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.

FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters
sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the
post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_.
He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his
handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the
truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked
them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_
when you make _free_?"


        MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.

WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of
Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the
king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that
he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like
a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in
_truth_."


        MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.

A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared
so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest)
that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been
drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor
forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."


        MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six
months_ each time.


        MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.

A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen
the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be
glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last
night,--_against a wall_."


        MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at
the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After
eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant
retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to
only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours
afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican,
understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!
man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such
adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the
landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my
house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."


        MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.

JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full
of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted
against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"
took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel,
who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing
the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some
public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The
official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious
asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no
nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.


        MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.

AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum:
"Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_,
21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--

  Lost by his death on this essay     £ 1 11 6
  Gained in elegies                     2  2 0
  Gained in essays                      3  3 0
  Am glad he is dead by                 3 13 6."

Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously
vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.


        MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.

    I WOULD not pay a coin to see
        An animal much larger;
    Surely the mammoth horse must be
        Rather an _overcharger_.


        MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.

A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.
The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to
share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.
This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his
learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined
the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"


        MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the
butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye
buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want
anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you
will make my fortune."


        MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a
very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for,
saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."


        MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.

IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_
servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done;
and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.


        MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.

A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such
an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every
right, as the _first discoverer_."


        MCCXXXI.--A POSER.

AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was
allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----,
having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her
steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out,
and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air,
"do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the
immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's
cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other
way.


        MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.

A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid
one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is
admirable stuff to catch flies_."


        MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.

THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his
command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among
them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason
they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor
he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of
_grog_.


        MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.

A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who
does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will
_do well_; let those who choose _do better_."


        MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.

DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after
snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale,
let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will
_awake the king_!"


        MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.

LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.
Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and
Moore, and I passed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without
one yawn, from six to one in the morning."

One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of
that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and
bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you,
sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"
Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron
notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor
fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of
others."


        MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir
Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing
in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is
another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is
that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."


        MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and
universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in
Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony,
the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition
wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on
a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding
meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual
kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's
come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld
faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the
Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this
allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he
_turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then
rode quietly away.


        MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_,
because it shows that the party once had credit.


        MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.

A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"


        MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
after having been told that he could not in all human probability
survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted
the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said,
with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I
_live till nine_!"


        MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.

THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much
as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years
of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once
dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of
the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he
was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is
the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.
Burke _is up_."


        MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was
speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you
mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who
has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr.
Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the
king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good
preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were
afterwards both Bishops.


        MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.

    "MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
    "What homage we nobles command in the world!"
    "True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
    _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"


        MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.

TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations
of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace
the following passage:--

    "Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:
    Tempus abire tibi est."

"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I
think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to
it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be
_bribe-isti_ in your Horace."


        MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.

FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him;
but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is
hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and
hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied,
"Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."


        MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.

IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he
rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.
Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.
Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to
rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief,
"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"


        MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.

AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something
more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so
engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land,
_trees and all_."


        MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.

BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James
was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale,
Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I
take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in
Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you
should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to
the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir,"
replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary
cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord;
answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for
you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."


        MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether
the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty,
answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an
ambassador_."


        MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.

A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye
caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe à la
flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de
Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de
volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his
simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried
to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"


        MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.

IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less
they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.


        MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.

AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor
Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer,
and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness,
"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not
an oyster_."


        MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.

LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent
tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have
made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it
won't make him _throw up the seals_."


        MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for
instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was
both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_
approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."


        MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.

THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped
over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his
attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good
living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of
me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor
similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.


        MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.

A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_
her talk."


        MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.

A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can
assure you nothing will be done _without me_."


        MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what
he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.
"That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."


        MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.

LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a
week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that
the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get
no one to accept the bet.


        MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.

PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics,
was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked
of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_.
The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was
very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the
lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her
laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."


        MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.

A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn,
and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so
useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you
see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man
has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but
I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on
fire."


        MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.

TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are
to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a
coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider
that he likewise keeps a _dray_."


        MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.

A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid
of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."


        MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.

THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the
Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine
place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is
rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for
treason!"


        MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.

SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist:
"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His
enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he
talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence,
that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"


        MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.

THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em
agin_ the next day."


        MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.

AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy,
my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."


        MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great
vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with
great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the
king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "nobody that is
within the reach of _that fist of yours_."


        MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully,
during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health
before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a
gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady,
your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I
cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."


        MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.

A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't
_live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"


        MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.

AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"
replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."


        MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington
Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a
like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the
Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.
Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go
over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."


        MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I
would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was
in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your
father_."


        MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.

THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance
the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed
the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen
like this?"


        MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well,
you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.


        MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."


        MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.

DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle,
who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him,
"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady,"
replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected
that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that
you might lie every night at one of _your own_."


        MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.

THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan;
but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one
should have been at his service."


        MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.

BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but
where is the _fork_?"


        MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.

A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two
country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll,
one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he;
"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a
fever _these three weeks_."


        MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"HOW long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I _canna say I do_."


        MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
were often very ridiculous in the _titles_ they gave. "That," said a
distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns
appear _not to be exempt_."


        MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.

WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more
time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"


        MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the
love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach
of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in
about four weeks after being written upon.


        MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.

A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain
barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular
settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account,
carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to
31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made
some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer
thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was
readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches
proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would
measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.
1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.


        MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.

BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were
about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.
Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain
one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by
Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the
truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination
last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens
used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would
call a true bill against Jem."


        MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball
during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused
the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you
see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."


        MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging
each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper
prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I
only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore,
all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death
to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--

    'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,
    The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"


        MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.

GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving
him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and
continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again,
"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had
occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage,
said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If
Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John,
_I'll knock you down_."


        MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.

A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the
stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her
life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."


        MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.

A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough,
sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the
Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I
asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well,
no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he
said it_."


        MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.

IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at
rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having
casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's
true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at
this time of the year."


        MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.

SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of
his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his
hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he
sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly
denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell
you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the
truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which
caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.


        MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was
trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not
affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he
died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with
him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"


        MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.

WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the
crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of
his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their
titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself
_Silly-Bubb_!"


        MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.

AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!"
was his answer.


        MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet,
in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I
purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous
sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an
antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However,
I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I
derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to
purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the
antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this
good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated
astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone
which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the
parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"


        MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it
my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of
his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it
may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in
my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall
have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."


        MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.

A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room,
and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up
stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show
his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together,
and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there
till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances,
ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this
unwonted fashion.


        MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William
Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man,
observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with
contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those
_life-preservers_!"


        MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.

DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty
of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cucumber_, of which she
was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for
dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care;
then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and
then--_throw it away_."


        MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding
officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new
one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith
there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."


        MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.

SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer,
"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I
had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
_more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."


        MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.

IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
the following terms:--

  Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
  Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the
horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while
eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads
_from the manger_.


        MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most
distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the
course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly
_recherché_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very
good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very
good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!"
exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what
_did_ you come here for, then!"


        MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
_confidence_."


        MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When
informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the
cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why
he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he
could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."


        MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new
foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed
to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.
Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too
long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."


        MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very
handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not
think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should
not _say so_."


        MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do
when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't
you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The
doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.


        MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.


        MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord
Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little
stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red;
nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret
complexion.


        MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you
will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home
immediately.


        MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no
employment which requires such constant _application_.


        MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"
which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former
title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the
kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that
Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his
suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and
down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the
Waverley Novels!"


        MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a
great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my
pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"


        MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the
price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a
dozen!"


        MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have
_mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener,
"you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines,
I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"


        MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat
lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took
place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not
be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife
took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice
Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would
have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages
against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_. That would
have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _à
mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
House of Lords for a divorce _à vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have
been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will
probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in
which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."


        MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for
_delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses
were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not
addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers,
the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who
closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated
by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was,"
said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from
morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."


        MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in
the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of
him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."


        MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

    IF anybody comes to I,
      I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
    If after that they like to die,
      Why, what care I, I Lettsom.


        MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a
portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share
of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the
will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for
the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain
for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth
part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he
is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"


        MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to
the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty
never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets
'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"
says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found
nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir
Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us:
there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done
anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."


        MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him
the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was
desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages
are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am
afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."


        MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

    BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
    Ensures continuance to thy fame;
    Both sense and truth this verdict give.
    While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!


        MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The
robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had
experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that
the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the
hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"
said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he
would have _killed_ the whole of us."


        MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic
Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted
the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a
message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a
gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and
courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to
be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a
moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a
_Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my
gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the
_mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's
impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."


        MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered
round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to
see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a
large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs
for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got
but one _silver spoon_ among them all."


        MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

    THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks
    I must and will deny;
    They say their master is a knave:
    And sure _they do not lie_.


        MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of
gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair
which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones
shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_
for ever."


        MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No
Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid
all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"


        MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully
Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate,
appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a
very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was
struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in
the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!
why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but
too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"


        MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

    "HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick,
    "What makes my ankles grow so thick."
    "You do not recollect," says Harry,
    "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."


        MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord,"
answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken,
and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."


        MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been
directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
"_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly
prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."


        MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by
his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was
enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow,
D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when,
looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart,
and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy
way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way,
and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before
the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.


        MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland,
Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.


        MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

    GEORGE the First was always reckoned
    Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
    And what mortal ever heard
    Any good of George the Third?
    When from earth the Fourth descended,
    God be praised, the Georges ended.


        MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.
"I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go
to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an
umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_
did, _borrow one_!"


        MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon
of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties
of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the
Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question
from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger
went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An
archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an
ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with
this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought
to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop
himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such
answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a
saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days,
who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and
when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account
of its _lavendric_ properties."


        MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S
        DAY, 1787."

    THE City-feast inverted here we find,
    For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.


        MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the
Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by
younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the
_fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die
for it."


        MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend
had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he
attained the age of _one hundred_.


        MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the
Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only
there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not
distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long)
_ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek
derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes
from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It
is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"


        MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

    FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,
    But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.


        MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the
doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.
Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent
to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his
rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_
it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I
will _take anything from him, except physic_."


        MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered
about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering
bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I
will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed
the following epigram:--

    That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,
      Is most undeniably true;
    But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,
      It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.


        MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there,
took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and
Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with
flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You
called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"


        MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What
are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.
"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite
wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"


        MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

    IN reading his name it may truly be said,
    You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.


        MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A
B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to
the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before
you."


        MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
"Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."


        MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days";
the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend
asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the
reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why,
didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful
mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."


        MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of
the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was
saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly
observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for
really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"


        MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

    WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
      Pursuing a querulous strain?
    When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,
      What _right has she left to complain_?


        MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's;
whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very
modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to
know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast
at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being
but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray
oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him
in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you
are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."


        MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman
asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much
identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of
performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything
you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."


        MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen
Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.
"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said
George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"


        MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy
man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get
even a _little_."


        MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

    O DRY that tear so round and big,
      Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
    Death only takes _a single pig_--
      Your _lord and son_ are still behind.


        MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite
innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."


        MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.


        MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of
_The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of
the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so
affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's
distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend
to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."


        MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

    "TAXES are equal is a dogma which
      I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;
    "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich,
      And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."


        MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of
_other people_."


        MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out
to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to
the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said:
"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did
you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined
Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your
Beaver_" (Belvoir).


        MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied
that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put
you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if
you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in
your _head_."


        MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat
confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the
reply to the confounded Chancellor.


        MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While
seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked
him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_,"
was the ready reply.


        MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

    "IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,
      As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
    "Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
      "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."


        MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time
of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the
different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers
was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend,
these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the
lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little
limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never
can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.
"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march,
you would _halt_!"


        MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and
cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you
leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it
not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"


        MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular
name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find
it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember
where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"


        MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must,
however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let
us make our _servants fast_."


        MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered,
"To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all
that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."


        MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

    THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
    He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.


        MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative
of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was
found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as
the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand
still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.


        MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald
disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one
another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature,
he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr.
Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have
been saying for _the last hour_."


        MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be
teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal
_tiger_ of Bengal?"


        MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your
life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace
hold yours?"


        MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether
the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered,
he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."


        MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

    ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
    Full many a gallant man lies slain;
    But none, by bullet or by shot,
    Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.


        MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.


        MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of
work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie
down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."


        MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was
made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who
accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my
heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."


        MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit
down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke,
happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the
Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the
commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not
think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume
upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your
Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in
the world_."


        MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

    _Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

    _Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood,
          That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,
          And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,
           In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!


        MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."

ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his
first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just
after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely,
"Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another
behind some _curate_."


        MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.

"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the
piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If
you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and
four-pence_."


        MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.

EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He
answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must
of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a
dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in
_brass_."


        MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

    "BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.
    "Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.


        MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.

DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the
antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too
freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with
De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished;
"And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece
of that _D--umpling_?"


        MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.
"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for
he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it
very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."


        MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.

    A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
      If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
    But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard--
      Will continue to work though it _strikes_!


        MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.

A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had
concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the
youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to
borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not
_deceive_ me twice."


        MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.

SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they
never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True,"
answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."


        MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.

SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English
were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to
_dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the
_better for it_."


        MCD.--OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married
a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the
conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances
he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder,"
said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."


        MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE
        REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

    YE politicians, tell me, pray,
      Why thus with woe and care rent?
    This is the worst that you can say,
    Some wind has blown the wig away,
      And left the _Hair Apparent_.


        MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in
the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he
sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General
immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met
with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I
drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this
villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on
board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand
and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The
rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never
forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him,
"_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and
putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he
threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave
better for the future."


        MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

    "I AM unable," yonder beggar cries,
    "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.


        MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral
ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a
snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote,
with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family
_oven_."


        MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.


        MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked
by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and
crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the
attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs
lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied,
"_Perhaps they took no physic_."


        MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along
the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a
mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one;
"Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob,"
cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the
old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his
father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."


        MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

    "PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
      Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"
            "No, please your grace,"
            Cried Boniface,
            With some grimace,
      "_Sometimes it snows_."


        MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late
Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr.
Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his
charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its
lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a
remarkable _echo in the court_?"


        MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor,
and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she
secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I
not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with
downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not
allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly
so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."


        MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"


        MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his
speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should
never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."


        MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

    QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid
      My heart its life-string stakes."
    "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,
      She pays for _all she breaks_."


        MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to
represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had
lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter
_naked_.


        MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of
the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his
soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows,
go and _clothe_ yourselves."


        MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.
During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before
him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and
whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his
conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of
that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you,"
added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in
his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave
the citadel."


        MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.

    THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,
    "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";
    Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
    Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.


        MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_)
division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.


        MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On
one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was
his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards
in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master
of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his
last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."


        MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes,"
replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."


        MCDXXI.--A REASON.

"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you
there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you
again_!"


        MCDXXII.--HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large
sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a
ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers
offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We
should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money
_had not been set as the price of this action_."


        MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you
ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a
_rope-walk_."


        MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a
friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just
like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My
wife_."


        MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where
is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.


        MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_
defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day
and find yourself."


        MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

    DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!
    Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.


        MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother
very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."


        MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well
known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_
defect."


        MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

    SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
    The world is his who best knows how to wait.


        MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun
never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the
_tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."


        MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event
more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its
_first brewhouse?_--S.S.


        MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door
of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where
will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.


        MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

    THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
    One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.


        MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his
way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day,
said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the
baron; "whom did _he rob_?"


        MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad
causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones,
that I am quite at a loss which to take."


        MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they
are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for
approbation.--S.S.


        MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a
_willow_ at St James's."


        MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a
tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.
"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the
_tide_ tarrieth for no man."


        MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as
reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more
terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear
it_."


        MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty,
as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and
thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book
him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing
intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places
left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."


        MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come,"
said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal
principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
truths, only _told by mistake_."


        MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.

    SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
      Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans;
    More humble I approach thy door,
      And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.


        MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the
awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his
tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_
too!"


        MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to
claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit,
he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too
late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."


        MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."

HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."


        MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the
landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges
were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pass_
this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."


        MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

    TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine,
    But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.


        MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his
neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As
you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece
of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."


        MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."

IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well
into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that
inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in
the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely
distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated
intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love
metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance
in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my
lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the
fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.


        MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.

A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face
and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the
glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get
_such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the
doctor.


        MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.

QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of
Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?"
Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."


        MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.

A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was
between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch,
madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."


        MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.

    TO gull the public two contractors come,
    One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
    Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
    A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?


        MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.

A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through
Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_
between Wigan and Preston.


        MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.

A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of
saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress
was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is
de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always
flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world
will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of
fashion."


        MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of
Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of
your translation is, that _in places where I do not understand Juvenal,
I likewise do not understand you_."


        MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are
brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."


        MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.

THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of
boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were
facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus
designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of
Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm,
which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox,
entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of
Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence,"
replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's
ninepins_."


        MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE
COMPOSER.

    SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
      Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
    Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
      And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!


        MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.

ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was
present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was
referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion
that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to
the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know
what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True,
sir; and when we see a very foolish _fellow_, we don't know what to
think of _him_."


        MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.

IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the
other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that
had his friend been engaged with a _client_ he would very probably have
_hit his pocket_.


        MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors,
which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend,
noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir
Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!"
replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller _never_
painted them!"


        MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.

A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property;
and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he
had _entertained his proposition_. "No," replied the other, "your
proposition _entertained me_."


        MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.

A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and
benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that
doubtless those were the persons _who would kill one with kindness_."


        MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s Veracity.)

    HE boasts about the truth I've heard,
      And vows he'd never break it;
    Why, zounds, a man _must_ keep his word
      When nobody will take it.


        MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.

A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax
on "_the single state_"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old
bachelor, "as on all other _luxuries_."


        MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.

SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on
the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his
maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, _my dear_ Mr.
Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had
subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was
perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days _everything
is dear_."


        MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and
is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of
the same degree in life.


        MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a
gentleman present, "there is a _bitter_ cold day."


        MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general
murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not
distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity
'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!"
Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what
would your lordship have me be?--a lord?"


        MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.

    SOYER is gone! Then be it said,
    At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.


        MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding,
was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the
road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the
sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant
replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer
_ploughshare_ saved ye!"


        MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who
combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and
painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?"
said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure,
have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."


        MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of
Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said
Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"


        MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

    "THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
    "Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
    "Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
    "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
    That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
    'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
    In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
    I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."


        MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."


        MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
to be _filed_ before it comes into court."


        MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant
to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
_waist_ for _common_?"


        MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
he could only say that they should not _come by water_."


        MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the
Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."


        MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

    IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
    And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
    Travel at all, they are at best,
    Either oppressors or opprest.


        MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he;
"by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."


        MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor
relations_."


        MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."

LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to
a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to
find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming
with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a
good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this
way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at
the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing,
guv'ner_?"


        MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed,
was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he
who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a
short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses
rest upon my son _if ever he does_."


        MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

    WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
      Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
    I can't say, but this I protest,
      All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.


        MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I
am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost
as foolish_!"


        MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid
and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered
his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."


        MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to
Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of
_something else_."


        MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and
_natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man
to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do
it.


        MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them
in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a
person who _thinks_ of paying."


        MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to
Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my
room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am
sure that he will be delighted to see me."


        MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of
Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client,
the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by
laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes)
exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I
am."


        MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to
insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not
got a _sovereign_ amongst them.


        MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
"But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to
determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I
would _sooner take than yours_."


        MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not
worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my
unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in
the _shade_."


        MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in
a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to
his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my
sins upon their backs_."


        MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the
pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the
election, _for he had nobody's voice against him but his own_."


        MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.

IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate
returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."


        MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.


        MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.

A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if
such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as
you have just been _tolled_."


        MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.

AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that
the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not,
sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."


        MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.

IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.
The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was
walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent,
who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had
enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly
exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."


        MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.

"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney
Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the
moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like
Judas_."


        MDVI.--OPENLY.

    NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
      I own, indeed, he's got a knack
    Of flattering people to their face,
      But scorns to do 't behind their back.


        MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.

OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop
about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"


        MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.

TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No,
indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."


        MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.

IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller
objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and
demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these
emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be
obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I
know _my duty_ as well as your lordship knows _your duty_. I stand here
as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The
judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.


        MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.

A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!
madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the
first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said
she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and
dealing_."


        MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.

    TO _John_ I owed great obligation;
      But _John_, unhappily, thought fit
    To publish it to all the nation:
      Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.


        MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.

JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At
Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.
At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and
pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to
prove_?"


        MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.

GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain
occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings
he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to
prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the
general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts
filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having
previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub
your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water,
and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping
yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a
flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or
two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's
self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that
objection_."


        MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)

    FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
      His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
    Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_,
      Is but intended for a _bridle_.


        MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.

A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor,
"and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know
deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."


        MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.

SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's
jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the
young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of
Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't
_clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."


        MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.

LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason
for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his
lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."


        MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.

A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the
doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen
to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself
suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure
it_."


        MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.

LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't
say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do
they will certainly _tax_ it."


        MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.

    "WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
    Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
    "Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
    "What's _right_ were fashionable too."


        MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.

A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!"
echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say:
but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."


        MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.

A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the
master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been
_dead these three weeks_."


        MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith
was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his
corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may
not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of
accident."


        MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.

A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then,
sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
_altogether a moral man_."


        MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.

(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)

          THEY say, O'Keefe,
          Thou art a thief,
    That half thy works are stolen or more;
          I say O'Keefe,
          Thou art no thief,
    Such stuff was never writ before!


        MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.

A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a
friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied
by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better
than my _practice_."


        MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.

MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who
told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone
there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking
terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned
out.


        MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.

JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with
Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his
legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of
Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but
then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just
the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are
so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand
them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."


        MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was
riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met
by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for
sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on
the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little
further, I should meet a _goose_."


        MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.

THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain
person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._,
in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence,
converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin,
altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good
standing in the kitchen_.


        MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)

    HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
    For what he says will never be believed.


        MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.

WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
that "they began too late and ended too soon."


        MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.

A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's
want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which
the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent
wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O,"
replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It
spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."


        MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.

A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into
a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be
sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge,
but a horse never."


        MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.

AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends,
one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter,"
added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a
bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."


        MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the
response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your
life_."


        MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.

    "A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
    Unto the whole can never equal be";
    Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
    Of them a part is equal to the whole.


        MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.

BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let
Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had
the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."


        MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.

DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid,
in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--

    "'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'

May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor
insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in
the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

    "'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'"
                     _Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you
follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê
Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner,
which he thus eulogized:--

    "'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras,
        Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
                   _Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.


        MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are
murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is
far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you
do_."


        MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him
overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough
to swim _to the other side_."


        MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he,
"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."


        MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.

A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might
_rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late
mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my
_jaw-bones_."


        MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.

A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as
good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish
chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."


        MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.

    "MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
      So now I'm quite at sea."
    Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
      There, take this recipe."


        MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.

A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking
politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a
loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll
show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical,
sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the
corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a
radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"


        MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.

CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My
learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point,
and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the
question out altogether."


        MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.

A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the
witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."


        MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.

BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May
be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though
it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."


        MDL.--EPIGRAM.

    WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
    Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
    "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
    "So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"


        MDLI.--A KIND HINT.

LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would
certainly give _satisfaction_.


        MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.

AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the
pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole,
one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists
of the day.


        MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.

AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house,
exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I
hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the
camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."


        MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.

A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket,
beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far
from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."


        MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.

WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:
"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_,
Lundy!"


        MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."

AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for
them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to
pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the
"_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.


        MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.

    TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
      Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
    He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
      Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.


        MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.

AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about
being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."


        MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.

THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and
inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will
be _change for a guinea_."


        MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.

A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just
seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O,
he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a
_white_ mark on him!"


        MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.

HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his
friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the
most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied
the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly
claim upon me_."


        MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.

A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his
verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed
him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."


        MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.

A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the
coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the
honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a
house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply,
"It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."


        MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.

BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many
thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure
and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and
bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman,
the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever
yours, _S.S._"


        MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.

THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend
entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far
spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_,"
replied the poet.


        MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.

THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of
pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who
had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had
heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last
night in his _own medicine chest_."


        MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.

ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin
and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the
captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I
don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."


        MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.

    "I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
    "That Jane a gambler should marry."
    "I'm not at all," her sister says,
    "You know he has such _winning ways_!"


        MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.

THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and,
affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook
concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to
anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if
any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"


        MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.

A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for
yours_."


        MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.

AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured
it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George
D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't
know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a
great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but
then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon,
turning away.


        MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.

    WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
    No generous patron would a dinner give.
    See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
    Presented with a monumental bust.
    The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
    He asked for bread, and he received a stone.


        MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.

MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not
proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he
had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the
word_,--somebody give him the word!"


        MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."

PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of
it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir,"
returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was
_not contemptible_."


        MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.

ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present
observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head,
and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor,
undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."


        MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."

A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his
head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are
picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I
_takes_ 'em as they come!"


        MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.

THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a
good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever
tasted in my life."


        MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.

EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
Francis Jeffrey:--

    When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
      A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
    For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
      His pistols were loaded with paper.
    For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
      Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse;
    For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
      Which is fired away at _Reviews_.


        MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.

THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly.
"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said
A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of
them."


        MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.

THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of
his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything
with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly
escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered,
"My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."


        MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader
graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the
hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a
deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment
directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching,
however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_!
why, 't is _void_."


        MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the
postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

    Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
      Must take you by contraries;
    What you deny, _perhaps_ is true;
      But nothing that you _swear_ is.


        MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get
a good one_."


        MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or
rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."


        MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The
doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir,
might have been born a wit!"


        MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of
King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

    Behold the sergeant full of fire,
      Long shall his hearers rue it;
    His purple garments _came from Tyre_,
      His arguments _go to it_.


        MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his
master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter
day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had
fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt,
grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae
great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"
said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur
_that_ is," said Matthew.


        MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be
frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."


        MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you
think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him
spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he
has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was
the advice of an old Chief Justice.


        MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are
evidently looking more after the _effects_.


        MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on
going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very
unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man
if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was
only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same
proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the
officers_."


        MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with
a lemon in it.--G. A'B.


        MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"
was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"


        MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

    VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
    Do some resemblance show;
    Because the longer time they run,
    The shallower they grow!


        MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician
and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My
physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"


        MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_
handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very
poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more,"
replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"


        MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."


        MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set
the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.


        MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.

    THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
    Only in this, that you both painted be.


        MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the
spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O,
ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply
concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish
it can have no perception of real wit").


        MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I
wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the
imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said
Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."


        MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty
urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots
and I gave you that."


        MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court,
on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously
disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an
occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a
_turner_ or a _joiner_."


        MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you
can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said
Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"


        MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

    THEY cannot be complete in aught
      Who are not humorously prone;
    A man without a merry thought
      Can hardly have a funny bone.


        MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the
street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to
the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are
you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could
collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query,
Hook had passed on.


        MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number
of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."


        MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my
cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"


        MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
_lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the
_foundation_ of all wit."


        MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver
minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one
occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed,
"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I
was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.


        MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

    BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
    How high his honor holds his haughty head!


        MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he
replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."


        MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a
droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I
may take the _chair_?"


        MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
that he kept a _hot-house_.


        MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said
the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"


        MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied,
"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but
whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."


        MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

    IF two decided negatives will make
    Together one affirmative, let's take
    P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_,
    Who by this rule an honest pair will be.


        MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he
came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling
mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then
you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care
of me for your own sake_."


        MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"
said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."


        MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
_contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."


        MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"


        MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

    "MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
    The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
          "Is home so dull and dreary?"
    "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
    But man and wife are _one_, you know;
          And when _alone_ I'm weary!"


        MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."


        MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in,
in malice."


        MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of
resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to
fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I
have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."


        MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the
encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My
Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend,
the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."


        MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will
dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of
law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I
will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then,"
suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I
_lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly
rejoined the miser.


        MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

    WHO seeks to please all men each way,
      And not himself offend,
    He may begin his work to-day,
      But who knows when he'll end?


        MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the
demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew
who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't
encourage one another."


        MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of
Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."


        MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret,
sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so
valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have
invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."


        MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of
boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal
to parrots_."


        MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a
bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North
Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and
liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from
Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest
of your countrymen."


        MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what
it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was
paid.


        MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_
cannot be deemed _pot_ations."


        MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold
remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about
town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."


        MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."


        MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade
in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote.
"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in
London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage,
then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room
over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the
morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement;
"what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know
is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."


        MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are
always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made
at the _expense_ of yours."


        MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it
would be!"


        MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give
you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."


        MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity
of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were,
after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the
residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible
for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known
preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a
_little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port
wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the
_latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford
better than _curates_."


        MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with
proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with
William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon,
"they _found mine here_ when they comed."


        MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to
send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird
answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will
no the world see _him_?"


        MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea
out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.


        MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow
asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be
content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar
reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.
"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your
stomach."


        MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in
counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after
destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave
it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay,
Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done
more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."


        MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he
verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said
Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_
Manners.'"


        MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently
thought you better than _nun_."


        MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth
open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is
_too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."


        MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one
should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed
property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
_wise-acre_?"


        MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.


        MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen
struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the
elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my
friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."


        MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the
embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and
insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was,"
said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you
know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."


        MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a
good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who
resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied
the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong,
for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it
there_."


        MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his
master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a
gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the
purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have
taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his
compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."


        MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under
his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play
elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.


        MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
_little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been
given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he,
"who are all _great rascals_."


        MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning
conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom
very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain
of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in
a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked
constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he
desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a
valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.
After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so
repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and
taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek
characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so
mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.


        MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

    'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
      Always abuses in his chatter:
    He's truly such a thorough flat,
      We can't expect to see him _flatter_.


        MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible
good health at present_."


        MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_
sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook,
"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."


        MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a
great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great
deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due
solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not
take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy,
with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether
he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied
Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_
your face."


        MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants
were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will
not do here."


        MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a
hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts
down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private
concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."


        MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but
everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"


        MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House
of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord
Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he
was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,
"Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no
business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are
right; _honest men_ can have no business here."


        MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
_Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"
asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_
reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."


        MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that
"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke
of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent
and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the
interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him
to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan
only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and
intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter;
though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would
give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."


        MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference
between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman,"
an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."


        MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of
Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a
_wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.


        MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in
the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices
put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found
that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these
admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."


        MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so
indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of
you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself
at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O,
Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the
trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."


        MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was
mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the
"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."


        MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town,
where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the
servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak
to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not
willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would
step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is
_gone out_ too," replied the girl.


        MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend,
for _I have tried baith_."


        MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those
who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial
for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.
Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful
to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular
obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have
_shown_ me upon this occasion."


        MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.


        MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel
with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it
had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been
all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"


        MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m,
during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than
the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One
morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus
addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop,
and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of
W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will
do_."


        MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.
"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm
_responsible_ for the silver."


        MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great
asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money
from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him:
"John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect,
and the distressed couple were restored to favor.


        MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following
temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you
know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_;
nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of
in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be
disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth
having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."


        MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to
one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why,
yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our
reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in
vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish
_to repentance_."


        MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really
thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you
had," was Jerrold's reply.


        MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was
applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to
the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be
paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in
which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary
and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards
_to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"


        MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came
up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on
the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the
matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied,
"_No matter, Berkeley_."


        MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
_brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have
_sauce_ enough to fill it."


        MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
him, received the following:

    "_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"


        MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord,
if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all
night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked
his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the
reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes
_larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them
_smaller_ than the other!"


        MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical
_naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a
pig can require_?"


        MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and
Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the
anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can
fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"


        MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a
degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of
dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no
one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."


        MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

    THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
    'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).


        MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical
against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of
me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was
present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."


        MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear,"
he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_
would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"


        MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have
lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you
can see only _one_ in mine."


        MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has
not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an
O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."


        MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

    SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
      Get out of my way, do you hear?"
    Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
      I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."


        MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
"Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to
meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."


        MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance;
and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church,
"Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.


        MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the
best matches."


        MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his
favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met
Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.
Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him,
exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly
after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North
Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what
Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing,
absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more
than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the
_Equator_."


        MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round
it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I
took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."


        MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

    WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
    The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
    At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
    For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.


        MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist
rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair
gray_!


        MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast
with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not
digest_."


        MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be
actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they
are not likely to feel _the burden_.


        MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long
enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled
the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed
laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him
what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied
reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he
answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well,
there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the
professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have
been something in _the way he said it_."


        MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The
true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her
country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's
very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several
times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or
below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover
in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have
myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the
exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."


        MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE,
that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.


        DINNER CODE.

_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as
long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his
guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the
females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,
which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

_His Duties._

Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches
with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to
his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the
vigorous appetite.

Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale
jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his
best security against a violation of this _article_.

Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should
never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over
the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by
it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

_Of the Guests._

Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at
whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil
way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that
of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a
conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is
a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be
inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even
in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.

Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the
Amphitryon.

Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during
the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as
long as digestion.

Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the
person of his cook.

Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who
deserts.

_On Vicinity to Ladies._

Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere
servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as
over his own.

Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in
the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey
the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness
during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be
complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the
dessert.

_On Vicinity to Men._

Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each
other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the
_last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any
precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool
the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast
must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to
converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them
is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more
wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each
other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

_On Vicinity to Children._

Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the
misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as
quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._

Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the
articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his
gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la
Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little
sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when
serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.

Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to
some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly
for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of
politeness to her.

Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing:
never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.




INDEX.

                             PAGE

  A. I, 33

  Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244

  A Bed of--Where?, 238

  Abernethy, Mr., 77

  Above Proof, 297

  Absent Man, An, 116

  Absurdly Logical, 319

  Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201

  Accommodating, 213

  Accommodating Physician, An, 180

  Accommodating Principles, 153

  Accurate Description, 201

  Acres and Wiseacres, 355

  Act of Justice, An, 147

  Actor, 222

  Advantageous Tithe, An, 255

  Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88

  Advice Gratis, 160

  Advice to a Dramatist, 199

  Advice to the Young, 138

  Affectation, 98

  Affectionate Hint, An, 344

  Aged Young Lady, The, 235

  Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71

  Agreeable Practice, An, 248

  Agricultural Experiences, 184

  Alere Flamman, 252

  A-Liquid, 140

  Allegorical Representation, 310

  All the Difference, 5, 367

  All the Same, 314

  Almanac-makers, 159

  Alone in his Glory, 14

  Always the Better, 336

  Amende Honorable, The, 310

  American Penance, 217

  Ample Apology, An, 356

  Anecdote, An, 86

  Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50

  Angry Ocean, The, 81

  Answered at Once, 288

  Answering her According to her Folly, 345

  Anticipated Calamity, An, 349

  Anticipation, 110

  Any Change for the Better, 220

  Any Port in a Storm, 57

  Apish Resemblance, An, 322

  Apt Reproof, An, 307

  Arcadia, 24

  Arcadian, An, 128

  Architectural Pun, An, 61

  Argument, An, 125

  Artificial Heat, 28

  Artistic Touch, An, 171

  As Black as he could be painted, 337

  Aspiring Poverty, 345

  Assurance and Insurance, 228

  As You Like It, 87

  At his Fingers' Ends, 106

  Attending to a Wish, 169

  Attic Jest, An 69

  Attired to Tire, 343

  Audley, The Late Lord, 130

  Auricular Confession, 227

  Awkward Orthography, 298

  "Aye! There's the Rub", 93


  BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209

  Bacon, 138

  Bad Bargain, A, 131

  Bad Company, 166

  Bad Crop, A, 18, 58

  Bad Customer, A, 96

  Bad End, A, 153

  Bad Example, A, 1

  Bad Habit, 136

  Bad Harvest, A, 23

  Bad Judge, A, 287

  Bad Label, A, 92

  Bad Lot, A, 182

  Bad Medium, A, 217

  Bad Pen, A, 72

  Bad Preacher, A, 226

  Bad Shot, A, 12

  Bad Sport, 146

  Balance, A, 233

  Balancing Accounts, 66

  Banker's Check, A, 17

  Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305

  Bark and Bite, 231

  Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34

  Base Joke, A, 347

  Base One, A, 97

  Bearable Pun, A, 358

  Bear and Van, 16

  Bearding a Barber, 2

  Benefit of Competition, 212

  Best Judge, The, 110

  Best Wine, The, 193

  Better Known than Trusted, 193

  Betting, 155

  Bewick, the Engraver, 194

  Bill Paid in Full, 228

  Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50

  Birth of a Prince, The, 178

  Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71

  Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55

  Bit of Moonshine, A, 335

  Black and White, 19

  Black Joke, A, 159

  Black Letter, 101

  Black Oils, 18

  Blowing a Nose, 55

  Book Case, A, 70

  Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154

  Braham and Kenney, 237

  Bred on the Boards, 162

  Brevity, 81

  Brevity of Charity, 215

  Brief Correspondence, 179

  "Brief Let It Be", 210

  Bright and Sharp, 63

  Bright Rejoinder, A, 346

  Bringing his Man Down, 245

  Broad-brim Hint, A, 81

  Broad Hint, A, 85, 165

  Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75

  Broken Head, A, 98

  Brotherly Love, 46, 300

  Brutal Affections, 67

  Budget of Blunders, A, 141

  Buried Worth, 56

  Burke and Fox, 258

  Burke's Tediousness, 270

  Business and Pleasure, 326

  Busy Bodies, 124

  But one Good Translation, 358

  Byron Libellous, 342


  CABAL, A, 31

  Calculation, 105

  Calculation, A, 265

  Caledonian Comfort, 99

  Calf's Head Surprised, 25

  Caliban's Looking-glass, 51

  Calumny, 220

  Cambridge Etiquette, 76

  Candid Counsel, A, 156

  Candid on both Sides, 222

  Candle and Lantern, The, 125

  Candor, 73

  Canine Poetry, 169

  Canning's Parasites, 71

  Capital Joke, A, 56

  Capital Letter, A, 14

  Cap This, 26

  Carrots Classically Considered, 222

  Cart before the Horse, The, 60

  Case of Necessity, A, 189

  Cash Payments, 149

  Catching him Up, 70

  Cause and Effect, 226, 344

  Cause of Absence, 40

  Cause, The, 158

  Cautious Lover, A, 108

  Celestial Vision, A, 351

  Certain Crop, A, 208

  Certainly not Asleep, 109

  Certainty, A, 83

  Challenging a Jury, 107

  Change for a Guinea, 337

  Change for the Better, A, 197

  Changing Hats, 280

  Changing his Coat, 3

  Changing his Line, 39

  Characteristics, 237

  Charitable Wit, 195

  Charity and Inconvenience, 326

  Charity begins at Home, 312

  Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271

  Charles II. and Milton, 192

  Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334

  Chatham, Lord, 263

  Cheap at the Money, 209

  Cheap Cure, A, 17

  Cheap Watch, A, 168

  Check to the King, 22

  Cheese and Dessert, 21

  Chemical Oddity, 322

  Chesterfield, Lord, 37

  Chin-Surveying, 280

  Choice of Evils, A, 334

  Choice Spirits, 180

  Church in the Way, The, 246

  City Glutton, 358

  City Love, 36

  City Varnish, A, 61

  Claim on the Country, A, 249

  Classical Wit, 333

  Claw and Claw, 54

  Clear Case, A, 122

  Clear the Court, 118

  Clearing Emigrants, 272

  Clerical Wit, 95

  Clever Dog, A, 47

  Climax, A, 19, 341

  Clonmel, Lord, 172

  Close Escape, A, 187

  Close Translation, A, 317

  Closer, A, 313

  Coat-of-Arms, A, 211

  Cockney Epigram, A, 36

  Cold Comfort, 132

  "Cold" Compliment, A, 73

  Coleridge and Thelwall, 275

  College Bell! The, 109

  Collins, The late Mr., 24

  Colonial Breweries, 313

  Colorable Excuse, A, 179

  Colorable Resemblance, A, 145

  Come of Age, 9

  Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190

  Common Case, A, 64

  Common Politeness, 195

  Common Want, A, 219

  Comparative Virtue, 357

  Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273

  Comparisons are Odious, 2

  Complimentary, 4, 362

  Compliment, Elegant, 32

  Compliment Ill-received, A, 78

  Computation, 22

  Conceited, but not Seated, 201

  Con-cider-ate, 139

  Concurrent Events, 134

  Conditional Agreement, 315

  Confidence, 103, 120

  Confidence--taken from the French, 193

  Confirmed Invalid, A, 1

  Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85

  Conjugal Caution, 8

  Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282

  Connoisseur, The, 7

  Connubial Compliment, A, 365

  Conservative Logic, 300

  Considerable Latitude, 44

  Considerate Mayor, A, 292

  Considerate Son, A, 89

  Consistency, 179

  Constancy, 245

  Constitutional Pun, A, 4

  Contraband Scotchman, 67

  Convenient Theory, A, 358

  Convert, A, 4

  Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158

  Cooking his Goose, 315

  Cool as a Cucumber, 356

  Cool Hand, A, 85

  Cool Proposition, A, 299

  Cool Retort, 208

  Corporation Politeness, 219

  Corruptly Incorruptible, 172

  Couleur de Rose, 58

  Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232

  Credit, 269

  Critical Politeness, 30

  Criticising a Statue, 152

  Critics, 60

  Cromwell, 228

  Cruel Case, A, 229

  Cruel Suggestion, 68

  Cup and Saucer, 200

  Cut and Come Again, 51

  Cut Direct, The, 124

  Cut Infernal, The, 103

  Cutting, 360

  Cutting an Acquaintance, 253

  Cutting his Coat, 57

  Cutting off the Supplies, 310

  Cutting on both Sides, 69


  DAMPED ARDOR, 240

  Dancing Prelates, The, 226

  Dangerous Generalization, A, 243

  Dead Language, 110

  Deadly Weapon, A, 288

  Dear Bargain, A, 323

  Dear Speaker, A, 319

  Death and Dr. Bolus, 335

  Death-bed Forgiveness, 323

  Debt Paid, The, 77

  Debtor and Creditor, 126

  Decanting Extraordinary, 168

  Defining a Creed, 335

  Degeneracy, 129

  Delicate Hint, 130

  Delpini's Remonstrance, 144

  Democratic Vision, 80

  Deserved Retort, A, 64

  Destitution of the Smith Family, 351

  Devil's Own, The, 229

  Dialogue, A, 16

  Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279

  Dido, 86

  Difference, A, 4

  Difference of Opinion, 277

  Difficult Task, A, 188

  Difficulties in either Case, 318

  Diffidence, 185

  Dilemma, A, 168

  Dinner Code, 368

  Direct Road, The, 197

  Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194

  Disapprobation, 45

  "Distant" Friend, A, 259

  Distant Prospect, A, 16

  Distressful Denouement, A 300

  Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285

  Doctor Weather-eye, 59

  Doctrine of Chances, The, 15

  Dodging a Creditor, 136

  Dogged Answer, A, 10

  Dog-matic, 27

  Dogmatism, 221

  Dog Tax, The, 352

  Doing Homage, 223

  Domestic Economy, 92

  Done for, 352

  Donne, Dr., 362

  Double Knock, A, 116

  Double Sight, 365

  "Double Times," A, 88

  Doubt Explained, The, 353

  Doubtful Compliment, A, 31

  Doubtful Creed, A, 105

  Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328

  Drinking Alone, 174

  Driving it Home, 113

  Droll to Order, 322

  Drop, A, 306

  Dry, but not Thirsty, 350

  Dry Fellow, A, 227

  Dry Humor, 337

  Dull Man, A, 274

  Dulness of a Debate, 162

  Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39

  Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97

  Duplex Movement, 58

  Dutiful Daughter, A, 309


  EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261

  Early Habits, 342

  Easily Answered, 135

  Easily Satisfied, 164

  East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245

  Easy as Lying, 29

  Easy Way, An, 302

  Ebenezer Adams, 150

  Effort of Memory, An, 163

  Elegant Compliment, 32

  Elegant Retort, 205

  Elliston and George IV., 240

  Eloquent Silence, 117

  Emperor of China, 48

  Empty Gun, The, 113

  Empty Head, An, 92

  Encouragement, 216

  Endless Task, An, 351

  Entering the Lists, 236

  Entertaining Proposition, An, 318

  Envy, 238

  EPIGRAMS:--
    Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173
    Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83
    A Good Word for Ministers, 39
    An Affirmative, 367
    By a Plucked Man, 93
    Conversational, 365
    "Cumberland", 34
    From the Italian, 82
    "I'm Living Still", 17
    "Life is a Lottery", 90
    "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311
    On a Bad Man, 47
    On a Bald Head, 198
    On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196
    On a Debtor Lord, 222
    On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297
    On a Great Talker, 337
    On a Jury, 176
    On a Lady who Squinted, 79
    On a Lady who was Painted, 262
    On a Little Member's Versatility, 203
    On a New Duke, 37
    On a Petit-Maître Physician, 240
    On a Squinting Poetess, 315
    On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26
    On a Student, 232
    On Alderman Wood, 224
    On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his
        Political Character, 214
    On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53
    On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365
    On Black and White, 63
    On Blank Cartridge, 341
    On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291
    On Butler's Monument, 340
    On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80
    On Cibber, 74
    On "Disloyal" Collins, 336
    On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182
    On Dr. Lettsom, 290
    On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315
    On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318
    On Drink, 182
    On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245
    On Interminable Harangues, 76
    On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116
    On L--d--d--y, 81
    On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing
        to excessive Gout, 121
    On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89
    On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is
        gone, 193
    On Marriage, 170
    On Meanness, 117
    On Mr. Croker, 111
    On Mr. Gully, 234
    On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295
    On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239
    On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129
    On Phryne, 345
    On Pride, 101
    On Rogers, the Poet, 226
    On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230
    On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304
    On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109
    On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----,
        M.P., 200
    On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29
    On the Death of Foote, 81
    On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88
    On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307
    On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104
    On the Four Georges, 294
    On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89
    On the King's Double Dealing, 166
    On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328
    On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172
    On the Name of Keopalani, 153
    On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178
    On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266
    On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134
    On Two Contractors, 316
    On the Two Harveys, 247
    On Wolsey, 347
    On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223
    On ----'s Veracity, 319
    "Pocket your Watch", 131
    Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241
    The Tanner, 115
    "There's Nobody at Home", 65
    To Closefist, 303
    To Lady Mount E----, 300
    "Turncoat", 46
    Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332
    "Very like a Whale", 154
    Written on the Union, 1801, 298

  Episcopal Sauce, 114

  Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16

  Epitaph on a Miser, 220

  Epitaphs, 247

  Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227

  Error Corrected, An, 237

  Erskine, Henry, 220, 244

  Erskine's Firmness, 327

  "Essay on Man", 185

  Equal to Nothing, 177

  Equality, 52, 156

  Equality of the Law, 288

  Equitable Law, 290

  Equivocal Preference, An, 355

  Equivocation, An, 198

  Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293

  Error in Judgment, 306

  Erudite, 302

  Euclid Refuted, 162, 333

  Evasion, An, 335

  Evidence of a Jockey, 75

  Exaggeration, 160

  Excusable Fear, 275

  Excuse for Cowardice, 295

  Existence of Matter, 363

  Expectoration, 211

  Expensive Job, An, 362

  Expensive Trip, An, 311

  Experimentum Crucis, 324

  Explanation, An, 180

  Extenuating Circumstances, 119

  Extinguisher, An, 12

  Extraordinary Compromise, 177

  Extreme Simplicity, 87

  Extremely Sulphurous, 366

  Extremes Meet, 59, 77

  Eye to Profit, An, 33


  FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344

  Fair Play, 204

  Fair Proposal, A, 105

  Fair Repulse, A, 54

  Fair Substitute, A, 4

  Fairly Won, 293

  Fall in Mitres, A, 23

  False Delicacy, 23

  False Estimate, 216

  False Face True, A, 292

  False Quantities, 154

  False Quantity, 27

  Familiar Friend, A, 329

  Familiar Illustration, A, 41

  Familiarity, 177

  Family Party, A, 25

  Family Pride, 74

  Farcical, 364

  Farmer and Attorney, 44

  Farren, the Actor, On, 54

  Fashion and Virtue, 329

  Fat and Lean, 264

  Fatigue Duty, 152

  Favorite Air, A, 210

  Fear of Educating Women, 140

  Feeling His Way, 103

  Feeling Witness, A, 59

  Female Talkers, 49

  Few Friends, 185

  Fiction and Truth, 264

  Fig for the Grocer, A, 150

  Fighting by Measure, 49

  Filial Affection, 182

  Fillip for Him, A, 18

  Fire and Water, 155

  Fire of London, The, 31

  Fishing for a Compliment, 82

  Fishy, Rather, 80

  Fixture, A, 74

  Flash of Wit, A, 276

  Flattery turned to Advantage, 30

  Flying Colors, 318

  Following a Leader, 78

  Fool and His Money, A, 359

  Fool Confirmed, A, 252

  Fool or Knave, The, 313

  Foote, 96

  Foote and Lord Townsend, 94

  Foote's Last Joke, 368

  Footiana, 169

  Foraging, 116

  Force of Habit, The, 125, 257

  Force of Nature, 55

  Force of Satire, The, 49

  Forcible Argument, A, 276

  Foreign Accent, A, 29

  Forgetful Man, A, 181

  Fortunate Expedient, A, 294

  Fortunate Stars, 270

  Fowl Joke, A, 311

  Fox, Charles James, 361

  Free Translation, A, 355

  French Language, 109

  French Precipitation, 52

  Full House, A, 257

  Full Inside, 170

  Full Proof, 74

  Full Stop, A, 264

  Funeral Invitation, 356


  GAMBLING, 234

  Garrick and Foote, 199

  Garth and Rowe, 357

  Generosity and Prudence, 213

  Gently, Jemmy, 151

  Genuine Irish Bull, 128

  Genuine Laziness, 360

  George II. and the Recorder, 106

  Getting a Living, 274

  "Getting the Worst of It", 340

  Gluttons and Epicures, 153

  Going from the Point, 335

  Going to Extremes, 332

  Gone Out, 360

  Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211

  Good at a Pinch, 223

  Good Appetite, A, 254

  Good at the Halt, 302

  Good Authority, 173

  Good Character, A, 304

  Good Critic, A, 114

  Good Enough for a Pig, 364

  Good Evidence, 227

  Good Example, A, 83

  Good Excuse, A, 134

  Good Eyes, 274

  Good Hearing, 206

  Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81

  Good Investment, A, 235

  Good Jail Delivery, A, 183

  Good Joke, A, 210

  Good Judge, A, 361

  Good Likeness, A, 253

  Good Mixture, A, 283

  Good Neighbor, A, 197

  Good News for the Chancellor, 144

  Good One, A, 135

  Good Parson, A, 14

  Good Place, A, 30

  Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78

  Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313

  Good Recommendation, A, 266

  Good Riddance, 105

  Good Servant, A, 66

  Good Sport, 65

  Good Swimmer, A, 171

  Good Translation, A, 138

  Good Wife, A, 250

  Gouty Shoe, The, 189

  Graceful Excuse, 175

  Graceful Illustration, A, 230

  Grafting, 218

  Grammatical Distinction, A, 17

  Grandiloquence, 248

  Grandson, The, 299

  Grave Doctor, A, 18

  Great Cabbage, 251

  Great Difference, A, 132

  Gretna Customer, A, 100

  Grim Joke, A, 360

  Growl, A, 188

  Grunt, A, 312

  Guide to Government Situations, A, 59


  HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194

  Half-way, 76

  Hand and Glove, 21

  Handsome Contribution, A, 42

  Happiness, 41

  Happy Man, A, 121

  Happy Suggestion, A, 32

  Hard Hit, A, 187

  Hard of Digestion, 215

  Hard-ware, 221

  Having a Call, 258

  Heavy Weight, A, 296

  He "Lies Like Truth", 21

  He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322

  Henry VIII., 278

  Hero-phobia, 20

  Hesitation in his Writing, 59

  Hiatus, A, 102

  Hic-cupping, 10

  High and Low, 36

  High Gaming, 215

  Highland Politeness, 186

  Hinc Ille Lachrymæ, 70

  Hint for Genealogists, A, 191

  His Way--Out, 188

  Hoaxing an Audience, 206

  Holland's Funeral, 308

  Home Argument, A, 72

  Home is Home, 19

  Honest Horse, An, 31

  Honest Man's Litany, The, 204

  Honest Warranty, An, 94

  Honor, 311

  Honor to Tipperary, An, 338

  Hook's Politeness, 127

  Hopeful Pupil, The, 124

  Hopeless Invasion, A, 322

  Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284

  Horse Laugh, A, 7

  Horses to Grass, 285

  How to Escape Taxation, 238

  How to get rid of an Enemy, 261

  How to make a Man of Consequence, 168

  Howe, Lord, 278

  Human Happiness, 64

  Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191

  Humor under Difficulties, 52

  Humorist Piqued, A, 339

  Husbanding his Resources, 321

  Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120


  "I CAN GET THROUGH", 263

  Idolatry, 79

  Illegal Indorsement, An, 325

  Imitation of a Cow, 121

  Important to Bachelors, 280

  Impossible in the Evening, 254

  Impossible Renunciation, An, 191

  Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181

  Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180

  Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230

  Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101

  Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143

  Impudent Wit, An, 346

  Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286

  Incapacity, 241

  Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303

  Incredible, 5

  Independence, 101

  Indifference to Death, 367

  Indifference to Life, 274

  In-door Relief, 185

  Industry and Perseverance, 212

  Industry of the English People, 307

  Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352

  Information easily Acquired, 326

  Ingenious Device, An, 196

  Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37

  Ingenuousness, 104

  Ingratitude, 58, 283

  Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364

  In Memoriam, 320

  Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312

  Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132

  Inquests Extraordinary, 102

  Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2

  Insurance Assurance, 360

  In Suspense, 27

  Interested Inquiry, 357

  In the Background, 230

  In the Dark, 218

  Introductory Ceremony, An, 67

  Intruder Rebuked, The, 30

  In Want of a Husband, 231

  Ireland's Forgery, 134

  Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290

  Irish Imprudence, 291

  Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282

  Irishman's Plea, An, 212

  Iron Duke, The, 118

  "I Takes 'em as they Come", 341

  "I've Done the same Thing often", 103


  JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235

  Jemmy Gordon, 256

  Jest of Ancestry, The, 176

  Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286

  Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128

  Johnson, Dr., 190

  Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71

  Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197

  Joint Concern, A, 46

  Joke from the North, A, 366

  Jolly Companions, 256

  Jonson, Ben, 99

  Judge in a Fog, A, 199

  Judgment, 262

  "Junius" discovered, 11

  Jury Case, A, 350

  Just as Wonderful, 312

  Just Debtor, A, 56

  Justice Midas, 332

  Justice not always Blind, 144


  KEAN'S IMPROMPTU, 100

  Keen Reply, 83

  Keeping a Conscience, 126

  Keeping a Promise, 117

  Keeping It to Himself, 333

  Keeping Time, 236

  Kew, The Way to, 297

  Killed by His Own Remedy, 338

  Kind Hint, A, 336

  Kitchener and Colman, 145

  Knotty Point, A, 47

  Knowing Best, 183

  Knowing His Man, 91, 313

  Knowing His Place, 69


  LADY ANNE, 120

  Lamb and Erskine, 123

  Lamb and Sharp Sauce, 212

  Lame Beggar, The, 308

  Landlord and Tenants, 48

  Large, but Not Large Enough, 219

  Last Resource, A, 274

  "Last War," The, 165

  Late and Early, 203

  Late Dinner, 112

  Late Discoverer, A, 330

  Late Edition, A, 15

  Latimer, 295

  Latin for Cold, The, 123

  Latin Gerunds, On the, 135

  Law and Physic, 181, 333

  Law and the Scottish Thane, 342

  Lawyer's House, 149

  Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, 99

  Leaving His Verdict, 100

  Leg Wit, 182

  Legal Adulteration, 147

  Legal Extravagance, 249

  L'Envoy, 368

  Letter C, The, 248

  Letter H, The, 136, 199

  Letter Wanting, A, 138

  Liberal Gift, 135

  Licensed to Kill, 160

  Lie for Lie, 198

  Light Bread, 80

  Light-headed, 20

  Light Joke, A, 250

  Light Study, A, 19

  Light Subject, The, 4

  Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, 207

  Lines to O'Keefe, 330

  Lingual Infection, 214

  Liquid Remedy for Baldness, 196

  Liston's Dream, 148

  Literal Joke, A, 125

  Literary Pastime, 354

  Literary Rendering, A, 284

  Little to Give, 171

  Long Ago, 348

  Long Bill, A, 145

  Long Illness, A, 279

  Long Residence, A, 239

  Long Story, 161

  Look-A-head, 178

  Look in his Face, 12

  Losing an I, 113

  Lost and Found, 276

  Love, 220

  Love and Hymen, 148

  Love of the Sea, 157

  Love Songs, by Dean Swift, 32

  Lusus Naturæ, A, 189

  Luxurious Smoking, 173

  Lying, 208

  Lying Consistently, 20


  MAC READY TO CALL, 178

  Mad Quakers, 138

  Maids and Wives, 43

  Majesty of Mud, The, 61

  Making a Clearance, 143

  Making Free, 263

  Making Free with the Waist, 321

  Making It Up, 52

  Making Progress, 232

  Malone, Sir Anthony, 184

  Man and a Brother, A, 337

  Man of Letters, A, 26

  Man of Metal, A, 306

  Man-traps, 179

  Man Without a Rival, 198

  Mark of Respect, A, 100

  Marriage, 82, 211

  Matrimony, 349

  Matter in His Madness, 8

  Maule-practice, 249

  Measure for Measure, 64, 146

  Measure of a Brain, The, 93

  Measuring his Distance, 46

  Mechanical Surgeon, A, 169

  Medical Opinion, A, 158

  Medicine must be of Use, The, 62

  Melo-dramatic Hit, 279

  Men of Letters, 205

  Men of Weight, 322

  Merry Thought, A, 346

  Michaelmas Meeting, A, 331

  Milesian Advice, 77

  Military Axiom, A, 276

  Military Eloquence, 310

  Milton on Woman, 53

  Mind your Points, 242

  Minding his Business, 107

  Minding his Cue, 203

  Miser's Charity, 53

  Mistake, A, 191

  Mistaken Identity, 13

  Model Philanthropist, A, 251

  Modern Acting, 185

  Modern Sculptor, A, 188

  Modest, 46

  Modest Merit, 75

  Modest Request, 25

  Money-Borrower Deceived, The, 306

  Money-Lender, A, 217

  Money Returned, 21

  Money's Worth, 188

  Money's Worth, 233, 262

  Monster, A, 215

  Moral Equality of Man, 93

  More Honored in the Breach, 238

  Mot of Defoe, 54

  Motherly Remark, 233

  Much Alike, 250

  Multiplying One, 366

  Musical Blow-up, A, 174

  Musical Taste, 214

  Mystery Cleared Up, A, 237


  NAMELESS MAN, A, 260

  Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, 128

  Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, 43

  National Prejudice, 247

  Native Wit, 35

  Natural, 300

  Natural Antipathy, 228

  Natural Grief, 186

  Natural Transmutation, 60

  Nature and Art, 273

  Naval Oratory, 117

  Neat Quotation, A, 65

  Neat Suggestion, A, 315

  Neck or Nothing, 24

  Neighborly Politeness, 296

  New Disguise, A, 141

  New Idea, A, 296

  New Reading, A, 201, 271

  New Relationship, 3, 317

  New Scholar, A, 98

  New Sign, A, 154

  New Sport, A, 104

  New view, A, 255

  New Way to Pay Old Debts, 29

  New Way with Attorneys, A, 352

  Nice Distinction, A, 95, 112

  Nice Language, 120

  Nicknames, 265

  Night and Morning, 170

  Nil Nisi, &c., 166

  No Harm Done, 2

  No Intrusion, 323

  No Joke, 253

  No Judge, 173

  No Matter what Color, 242

  No Music in his Soul, 329

  No Pride, 171

  No Redeeming Virtue, 309

  No Sacrifice, 261

  Noise for Nothing, A, 167

  Nominal Rhymes, 83

  Non Compos 260

  Non Sequitur, 57

  "None so Blind," &c., 58

  North, Lord, Asleep, 161

  North's, Lord, Drollery, 241

  Nosce te Ipsum, 243

  Not at all Anxious, 324

  Not at Home, 207

  Not Finding Himself, 347

  Not giving Himself "Airs", 305

  Not Importunate, 236

  Not Improbable, 308

  Not Insured Against Fire, 186

  Not Necessary, 228

  Not Polite, 119

  Not Quite Correct, 252

  Not Right, 20

  Not Room for a Neighbor, 339

  Not Sick Enough for That, 273

  Not so Bad for a King, 58

  Not so "Daft" as Reputed, 321

  Not so Easy, 106

  Not to be Believed, 342

  Not to be Bought, 68

  Not to be Done Brown, 276

  Not to be Tempted, 218

  Not to be Trifled with, 87

  Not True, 154

  Not _v._ Nott, 35

  Nothing but Hebrew, 266

  Nothing but the "Bill", 12

  Nothing Personal, 190

  Nothing Surprising, 339

  Nothing to Boast of, 313

  Nothing to Laugh at, 199

  Notice to Quit, 125

  Notions of Happiness, 181

  Novel Complaint, A, 8

  Novel Idea, A, 112

  Novel Offence, 45

  Novelty, A, 66


  OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS, A, 328

  Ocular, 307

  Odd Bird, An, 102

  Odd Comparison, An, 40

  Odd Family, An, 99

  Odd Fellow, An, 68

  Odd Foresight, 166

  Odd Housekeeping, 225

  Odd Humor, 324

  Odd Notion, An, 277

  Odd Occurrence, An, 242

  Odd Question, An, 186

  Odd Reason, 213

  "Off with his Head", 337

  Offensive Preference, 325

  Old Adage Refuted, An, 314

  Old Age, 162

  Old Friends, 311

  Old Joke, An, 112

  Old Stories over Again, 52

  Old Times, 128

  Ominous, Very!, 213

  On the Right Side, 40

  On the Spot, 327

  One Bite at a Cherry, 150

  One Fault, 312

  "One for his Nob", 9

  One Good Turn Deserves Another, 7

  One Head Better than a Dozen, 126

  One-Sided Joke, A, 353

  One-Spur Horseman, The, 255

  One Thing at a Time, 210

  One Thing Wanting, The, 7

  Only a Ninepin, 317

  Only Enough for One, 200

  Only for Life, 304

  Open Confession, 289

  Openly, 326

  Opposite Tempers, 281

  Orators, The, 185

  Oratory, 252

  Order for Two, An, 82

  Order! Order!, 123

  Origin of the term Grog, 268

  Original Attraction, An, 79

  Orthography, 277

  Our English Love of Dinners, 176

  "Our Landlady", 246

  "Out, Brief Candle", 33

  Out of Spirits, 302

  Outline, An, 304

  Outline of an Ambassador, 272

  Outward Appearance, 28

  Over-wise, 101

  Oxford and Cambridge Actors, 132


  PADDY'S LOGIC, 54

  Painful Examination, A, 325

  Painted Charms, 327

  Painting, 162, 166

  Painting and Medicine, 221

  Par Nobile Fratrum, 148

  Pardonable Mistake, A, 6

  Parliamentary Case, 272

  Parliamentary Reprimand, 184

  Participation in a Practical Joke, 282

  Partnership Dissolved, 88

  Passing the Bottle, 11

  Pat Reply, A, 161

  Patience, 305

  Patrick Henry, 175

  Paying in Kind, 130, 257

  Pence Table, 108

  Perfect Bore, A, 246

  Perfect Discontent, 131

  Personalities of Garrick and Quin, 231

  Pert, 164

  Pertinent Enquiry, 208

  Pertinent Question, A, 310, 347

  Phenomenon Accounted for, A, 63

  Philanthropist, The, 165

  Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, 359

  Philosophical Reason, A, 255

  Phonetic Joke, A, 144

  Picking Pockets, 321

  Pickpocketing, 97

  Piece de Resistance, 123

  Piece of Plate, A, 113

  Pig-headed, 56

  Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, 292

  Pill Gratis, A, 133

  Pink of Politeness, The, 36

  Pious Minister, A, 131

  Place Wanted, A, 67

  Placebo, A, 67

  Plain Enough, 267

  Plain Language, 149

  Plain Speaking, 249

  Play upon Words, A, 256

  Player, or Lord, 320

  Playing on a Word, 33

  Pleasant, 252

  Pleasant Deserts, 72

  Pleasant for a Father, 354

  Pleasant Invitation, 8

  Pleasant Message, A, 363

  Pleasant Partner, A, 275

  Plumper, A, 325

  Plural Number, The, 249

  Poet Foiled, The, 190

  Poetical shape, A, 64

  Poets to certain Critics, The, 225

  Point, A, 106

  Point Needing to be Settled, A, 349

  Polite Rebuke, A, 208

  Polite Scholar, The, 85

  Political Corruption, 80

  Political Logic, 348

  Political Sinecure, 240

  Poor Curate, The, 296

  Poor Laugh, A, 349

  Poor Law, 343

  Poor Substitute, A, 301

  Pope's Last Illness, 281

  Popping the Question, 25

  Porson _v._ Dr. Jowett, 214

  Porson's Visit to the Continent, 27

  Portmanteau _v._ Trunk, 127

  Portrait Capitally Executed, A, 8

  Poser, A, 44, 203, 226, 267, 287

  Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, 170

  Possible Censors, 365

  Post-Mortem, 69

  Pot Valiant, 225

  Powder without Ball, 281

  Practical Retort, 248

  Precautionary, 330

  Preferable Way, A, 334

  Preferment, 361

  Prefix, A, 283

  Pressing Reason, A, 232

  Pretty, 308

  Pretty Metaphor, A, 26

  Pretty Picture, A, 38

  Pretty Reply, A, 358

  Previous Engagement, A, 366

  Priest's Orders, 336

  Prime's Preservative, 320

  Primogeniture, 22

  Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, 25

  Principle of Governments, The, 314

  Priority, 236

  Probability, A, 147

  Problem for Total Abstainers, A, 352

  Profession and Practice, 331

  Professional, 47

  Professional Aim, A, 318

  Professional Candor, 329

  Professional Companions, 330

  Professional Recognition, 351

  Profitable Juggling, 97

  Promise to Pay, A, 139

  Proof Impression, 23

  Proof Positive, 320

  Proper Answer, A, 206

  Proper Distinction, 174

  Proper Name, A, 299

  Proper Retort, A, 116

  Prophecy, A, 74

  Prosiness, 363

  Proud Heart, A, 191

  Proverb Reversed, A, 186

  Provident Boy, A, 62

  Proving their Metal, 16

  Pulling up a Poet, 338

  Punctuation, 139

  Pungent Pinch, A, 336

  "Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", 192

  Pure Folks, 144

  Purser, The, 28

  Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, 90


  Q.E.D., 79

  Quaint Epitaph, 364

  Qualifying for Bail, 33

  Quantum Suff, 212

  Quakerly Objection, A, 80

  Queer Expression, A, 282

  Queer Partners, 172

  Query Answered, A, 62

  Query for Mr. Babbage, A, 209

  Question and Answer, 60

  Question Answered, 312

  Question for the Peerage, A, 167

  Question of Descent, A, 354

  Question of Time, 133

  Quick Lie, A, 346

  Quid Pro Quo, 86, 216, 267, 269

  Quiet Dose, A, 226

  Quiet Theft, 151

  Quin and Charles I., 316

  Quin and the Parson, 227

  Quin's Saying, 50

  Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at
      St. Alban's, 38

  Quite Aground, 199

  Quite at Ease, 271

  Quite Natural, 53

  Quite Perfection, 24

  Quite Poetical, 219

  Quite Professional, 290

  Quite True, 85


  RAILROAD ENGINEER, THE, 155

  Rake's Economy, A, 164

  Rare Virtue, 43

  Rather A-curate, 262

  Rather Ethereal, 278

  Rather Ferocious, 303

  Rather Hard, 133

  Rather Saucy, 161

  Rather the Worst Half, 257

  Ready-made Wood Pavement, 174

  Ready Reckoner, A, 70, 163, 259

  Ready Reply, A, 73

  Reason, A, 311

  Reason for being too Late, A, 356

  Reason for Belief, A, 326

  Reason for Going to Church, 70

  Reason for not Moving, A, 338

  Reason for Polygamy, A, 342

  Reason for Running Away, 248

  Reason for Thick Ankles, 293

  Reason Why, The, 94, 231

  Reasonable Demand, A, 149

  Reasonable Excuse, A, 193

  Reasonable Preference, A, 323

  Reasonable Refusal, A, 241

  Reasonable Request, 102

  Reasons for Drinking, 242

  Rebel Lords, The, 196

  Rebuke, A, 251

  Reciprocal Action, 355

  Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, 86

  Reflection, A, 96

  Reformation, 176

  Relations of Mankind, 173

  Remarkable Echo, A, 309

  Reproof, 115

  Republic of Learning, The, 107

  Republic of Letters, The, 324

  Reputation, 181

  Resignation, 144

  Resting Herself, 334

  Retort Cutting, The, 31

  Reverse, A, 214

  Reverse Joke, A, 221

  Reverse of Circumstances, 10

  Richmond Hoax, The, 262

  Right Organ, The, 242

  Rigid Impartiality, 359

  Ringing the Changes, 91

  Rising Son, The, 1

  Riskful Adventure, A, 331

  Rivals, The, 110

  Rogers--Poet and Skipper, 176

  Rowing in the Same Boat, 128

  Rowland for an Oliver, A, 163

  Royal Favor, 63

  Royal Jest, A, 366

  Royal Muff, A, 164

  Royal Pun, 145

  Rub at a Rascal, A, 61

  Rule of Practice, A, 354

  Ruling Passion after Death, The, 51

  Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, 200, 350

  Ruling Passion, The, 129, 218, 367

  Rum and Water, 141

  Runaway Knock, A, 195

  Running Accounts, 291

  Running no Risk, 339


  SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE, THE, 18

  Safe Appeal, A, 108

  Safe Side, The, 292

  Sage Advice, 28

  Sage Simile, A, 61

  Sailor's Wedding, 215

  St. Peter a Bachelor, 286

  Salad, 221

  Salic Law, The, 361

  Salisbury Cathedral Spire, 147

  Sanitary Air, A, 218

  Satisfaction, 108

  Satisfactory Explanation, A, 340

  Satisfactory Reason, A, 115

  Satisfactory Total, 105

  Saucy Answer, A, 363

  Save us from our Friends, 157

  Saving Time, 247

  Scandalous, 25

  Scold's Vocabulary, The, 40

  Scotch Caution, 119

  Scotch Medium, 130

  Scotch Penetration, 133

  Scotch Simplicity, 42

  Scotch Understanding, 66

  Scotch "Wut", 168, 316

  Scotchman and Highwaymen, 291

  Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, 288

  Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, 283

  Sealing an Oath, 65

  Seasonable Joke, A, 89, 273

  Season-ings, The, 207

  Secret Discovered, A, 357

  Seeing a Coronation, 127

  Seeing not Believing, 270

  Self-Applause, 314

  Self-Conceit, 235

  Self-Condemnation, 265, 325

  Self-Interest, 367

  Self-Knowledge, 76

  Selwyn, George, 47

  Sensibility, 304

  Sent Home Free, 192

  Sentence of Death, 34

  Sermons in Stones, 341

  Servants, 267

  Setting him Up to Knock him Down, 178

  Setting Up and Sitting Down, 256

  Settled Point, A, 256

  Settler, A, 149

  Severe, 261

  Severe Rebuke, 285

  Shakespeare Illustrated, 129

  Shakespearian Grog, 350

  Shaking Hands, 53

  Sharp Boy, 261

  Sharp Brush, A, 320

  Sharp, if not Pleasant, 245

  Sheepish Compliment, A, 44

  Sheridan and Burke, 336

  Sheridan Convivial, 268

  Short and Sharp, 134

  Short Commons, 160

  Short Creed, A, 218

  Short Journey, 170, 278

  Short Measure, 168

  Short-Sighted, 254

  Short Stories, 79

  Should not Silence Give Consent, 236

  Shuffling Answer, A, 327

  Sign of being Cracked, 68

  Significant Difference, A, 332

  Silent Appreciation, 332

  Silk Gown, A, 93

  Simile, A, 344

  Simple Division, 19

  Simplicity of the Learned Porson, 82

  Sims, Dr., 211

  Sinecure, A, 182

  "Sinking" the Well, 297

  Slack Payment, 175

  Sleeping at Church, 268

  Sleeping Round, 106

  Slight Difference, A, 111, 238

  Slight Eruption, A, 114

  Small Glass, A, 92

  Small Inheritance, A, 3

  Small Joke, A, 343

  Small Talk, 303

  Small Wit, 232

  Smart One-pounder, A, 143

  Smart Reply, 220

  Smoking an M.P., 114

  Smoothing It Down, 321

  Snoring, 159

  Snuff-box, The, 273

  Snug Lying, 205

  Soft, Very!, 76

  Soldiers' Wives, 253

  Solomon's Temple, 202

  Something for Dr. Darwin, 1

  Something Lacking, 204

  Something Like an Insult, 80

  Something Sharp, 344

  Something to be Grateful for, 350

  Something to be Proud of, 293

  Something to Pocket, 301

  Soporific, A, 195, 310

  Sought and Found, 309

  Sound and Fury, 9

  Sound Conclusion, A, 57

  Sound Sleeper, 17

  Spare Man, A, 145

  Spare the Rod, 239

  Speaking Canvas, The, 307

  Speaking of Sausages, 245

  Special Pleading, 37

  Species and Specie, 189

  Specific Gravity of Folly, The, 155

  Specimen of the Laconic, 306

  Specimen of University Etiquette, 158

  Spirit and the Letter, The, 112

  Spirit of a Gambler, 270

  Spiritual and Spirituous, 5

  Spranger Barry, 146

  Sprig of Shillalah, A, 27

  Staffordshire Collieries, The, 202

  Steam-boat Racing, 150

  Sterne, 131

  Stone Blind, 71

  Stop Watch, A, 184

  Stopper, A, 70

  Stout Swimmer, A, 334

  Strange Jetsum, 133

  Strange Objection, A, 143

  Strange Vespers, 201

  Stray Shot, A, 77

  Striking Notice, A, 9

  Striking Point, A, 102

  Striking Reproof, 38

  Subtraction and Addition, 14

  Sudden Change, A, 90

  Sudden Freedom, 345

  Suggestion, 49

  Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, 197

  Suggestive Present, A, 140

  Suggestive Question, A, 148

  Suggestive Repudiation, 323

  Suited to his Subject, 35

  Summary Decision, 194

  Sun in his Eye, The, 346

  Superfluous Scraper, A, 356

  Superiority of Machinery, The, 306

  Sure Take, A, 277

  Swearing the Peace, 217

  Sweeps, 234

  Swift, Dean, and King William, 117

  Sword and the Scabbard, The, 108

  Sydney Smith, 104

  Sydney Smith Soporific, 223

  Syllabic Difference, A, 297

  Symbol, A, 7


  TAKE WARNING!, 315

  Taking a Hint, 217

  Taking his Measure, 121

  Tall and Short, 40

  Taste of Marriage, A, 165

  Tavern Dinner, A, 264

  Tell it not in England, 329

  Telling One's Age, 225

  Temperance Cruets, 284

  Tender Suggestion, A, 345

  Terrible Possibility, A, 343

  "The Mixture as Before", 22

  Theatrical Mistakes, 98

  Theatrical Purgations, 314

  Theatrical Wit, 124

  Thelwall, Mr., 209

  "Thereby Hangs," &c., 167

  Things by their Right Names, 210

  Three Causes, 7

  Three Degrees of Comparison, 205

  Three Ends to a Rope, 231

  Three Touchstones, 15

  "Throw Physic to the Dogs!", 233

  Thurlow and Pitt, 121

  Ticklish Opening, A, 324

  Tierney's, Mr., Humor, 277

  Tillotson, 280

  Time Out of Joint, The, 187

  Time Works Wonders, 112

  Timely Aid, 243

  Timely Flattery, 316

  Timely Reproof, A, 115

  Timidity of Beauty, The, 143

  To the Coming Man, 313

  Too Civil, 55

  Too Civil by Half, 246

  Too Clever, 250

  Too Fast, 220

  Too Good, 233

  Too Grateful, 224

  Too Liberal, 260

  Too Many Cooks, 11

  Too Much and Too Little, 244

  Too Much at Once, 364

  Too Much of a Bad Thing, 165

  Too Cold to Change, 65

  Top and Bottom, 140

  Tory Liberality, 56

  Touching, 109

  Trade against Land, 156

  Tragedy MS., 43

  Transformation Scene, A, 201

  Transporting Subject, A, 221

  Transposing a Compliment, 41

  Travellers See Strange Things, 317

  Trophies, 210

  True and False, 251

  True Courtier, A, 43

  True Criticism, 267

  True Dignity, 261

  True Evidence, 156

  True Joke, A, 60

  True of Both, 287

  True Philosophy, 288

  True Politeness, 164

  True to the Letter, 287

  True Wit, 123

  Trump Card, A, 13

  Truth and Fiction, 240

  Truth and Rhyme, 137

  Truth at Last, 133

  Truth by Accident, The, 216

  Truth for the Ladies, A, 100

  Truth not Always to be Spoken, 88

  Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, 78

  Truth _v._ Politeness, 255

  Trying to the Temper, 258

  Twice Ruined, 79

  Two Carriages, 275

  Two Cures for Ague, 353

  Two Make a Pair, 159

  Two of a Trade, 77

  Two Sides to a Speech, 90

  Two Smiths, The, 28

  Twofold Illustration, 42

  Typographical Transfer, A, 332

  Typographical Wit, 260


  UGLY DOG, AN, 48

  Ugly Trades, 304

  Unanswerable Argument, An, 299

  Uncivil Warning, 351

  Unconscious Insult, An, 317

  Unconscious Postscript, An, 206

  Unequal Arrangement, An, 355

  Unexpected Cannonade, An, 340

  Unfortunate Lover, An, 181

  Union is Strength, 51

  Union of Opposites, 319

  Unkind, 117

  Unknown Tongue, 38

  Unlikely Result, An, 348

  Unpoetical Reply, 120

  Unreasonable, 94

  Unre-hearsed Effect, An, 65

  Unremitting Kindness, 100

  Untaxed Luxury, An, 319

  Unwelcome Agreement, 158

  Up and Down, 301

  Up in the World, 9

  Upright Man, An, 87

  Use is Second Nature, 196

  Useful Ally, A, 90

  Utilitarian Inquiry, A, 328


  VAILS TO SERVANTS, 85

  Vain Search, A, 96

  Vain Threat, A, 343

  Valuable Beaver, A, 301

  Valuable Discovery, 90

  Value of Applause, 171

  Value of Nothing, 241

  Vast Domain, 21

  Vera Cannie, 243

  Verse and Worse, 118

  Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, 15

  Very Appropriate, 287

  Very Clear, 46

  Very Easy, 303

  Very Evident, 213

  Very Like Each Other, 270

  Very Likely, 249, 312

  Very Pointed, 22

  Very Pretty, 102

  Very Serious, 130

  Very Shocking, if True, 254

  Very True, 173, 286

  Vice Versâ, 190

  Visible Darkness, 10

  Visible Proof, 82

  Visibly Losing, 293

  Voluminous Speaker, A, 148

  Vox et Præterea Nihil, 147

  Vulgar Arguments, 122

  Vulgarity, 362


  WALKING STICK, A, 326

  Walpoliana, 107, 111, 119

  Warm Friendships, 98

  Warm Man, A, 348

  Warning to Ladies, 54

  Waste of Time, 42

  Waste Powder, 18

  Way of the World, 75

  Way of Using Books, 175

  Weak Woman, A, 11

  Wearing Away, 347

  Well-bred Horse, 9

  Well Matched, 6

  Well Said, 268

  Well Turned, 346

  Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, 87

  Wellington Surprised, 250

  Welsh Wig-ging, A, 26

  Wet and Dry, 141

  What Everybody Does, 294

  What is an Archdeacon?, 295

  What's a Hat without a Head?, 285

  What's Going On?, 159

  What's in a Name?, 279

  What's in a Syllable?, 151

  What's my Thought Like?, 305

  Wheel of Fortune, The, 195

  Where it came from, 316

  Where is the Audience?, 183

  Whig and Tory, 67

  Whist, 244

  Whist-Playing, 229

  Whitbread's Entire, 359

  White Hands, 287

  White Teeth, 275

  Who's the Fool?, 132

  Who's to Blame?, 136

  Whose?, 192

  Why are Women Beardless?, 208

  Why Master of the House?, 330

  Wide-awake Minister, A, 347

  Wide Difference, A, 345

  "Wide, Wide Sea," The, 315

  Wife at Forty, A, 45

  Wignell, the Actor, 72

  Wilberforce, Miss, 298

  Wilkes and Liberty, 161

  Wilkes and a Liberty, 143

  Wilkes's Ready Reply, 224

  Wilkes's Tergiversation, 114

  Wilkie's Simplicity, 91

  Will and Away, A, 259

  Will and the Way, 193

  Will, The, 104

  Windy Minister, A, 259

  Winner at Cards, A, 303

  Winning a Loss, 160

  Wise Decision, A, 348

  Wise Fool, A, 198

  Wise Precaution, 13

  Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, 6

  Wit and Quackery, 95

  Wit Defined, 95

  Wits Agreeing, 354

  Witty at his own Expense, 365

  Witty Coward, 236

  Witty Proposition, A, 348

  Witty Thanksgiving, 338

  Wolfe, General, 167

  Woman's Promises, A, 62

  Women, 229

  Wonderful Cure, A, 179

  Wonderful Sight, A, 258

  Wonderful Unanimity, 331

  Wonderful Woman, A, 5

  Wooden Joke, A, 314

  Woodman, A, 63

  Woolsack, The, 232

  Word in Season, A, 340

  Word to the Wise, A, 135

  Words that Burn, 11

  Worst of all Crimes, The, 63

  Worst of Two Evils, The, 269

  Worth the Money, 35

  Worthy of Credit, 129

  "Write me Down an Ass", 135

  Writing for the Stage, 234

  Writing Treason, 230

  Written Character, A, 6

  Wrong Leg, The, 48


  YANKEE YARN, A, 157

  Yorke, Mr. Charles, 361

  Yorkshire Bull, A, 353

  "You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", 239

  Young, Dr., 156

  Young Idea, The, 247


  ZODIAC CLUB, THE, 37


  Transcriber's notes

    Corrections to the Text.
      Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable.
      Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying.
      Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE.
      Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience.
      Page 197, your're corrected to you're.
      Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished.
      Page 297, aud corrected to and.
      Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly.
      Page 341, Eor corrected to For.
      Page 364, duplicated a removed.
      Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.


    Corrections to the Index.
      Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355.
      Affectation, 90 corrected to 98.
      Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300.
      Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179.
      Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344.
      Hinc Illæ Lachrymæ, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70.
      Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28.
      Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10.
      Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231.
      New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98.
      Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117.
      Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on
        page 188.
      Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213.
      Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved
        one line down.