Produced by Louise Hope, Mark C. Orton, Fox in the Stars
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
http://www.pgdp.net





[Transcriber's Note:

Illustrations are explained at the end of the text.]

       *       *       *       *       *
           *       *       *       *
       *       *       *       *       *

Crankisms

By
Lisle
de
Vaux
MATTHEWMAN

Pictured
By
Clare
Victor
DWIGGINS


* MCMI *
HENRY T.
COATES & CO.
PHILADELPHIA




Copyright, 1901, by
Henry T. Coates & Company.
_All rights reserved._




If I may be permitted to offer a suggestion, the Crankisms
should be read in the spirit in which sermons are listened
to--with the object of discovering whom they hit. This will
furnish amusement, for what is more entertaining than trying
the cap on others?

The settings speak for themselves; but the author desires
to express his indebtedness to the artist for having infused
life into and lent grace to dead bones of words, and for
having, in many cases, given to those words a deeper and
more subtle meaning than they themselves could be made to
express.

L. de V. M.

May,
1901.




1

The kisses of an enemy are deceitful, but not as deceitful
as the advice of the friend who is always counseling you for
your own good.


2

The best and the worst in man respond only to woman's
touch--unfortunately for man.


3

Men reason; women do not. Woman has no logic, and judging
from the use it is to man, is better off without it.


4

The present arrangement of society refuses to many the
means to live, while forbidding them the right to die when
they wish.


5

Woman generally tries to attract a man's eye, and then
blames him for being caught by prettiness and superficial
charms. But she rarely tries to appeal to his better self.


6

The man who is pockmarked has most to say against freckles.


7

Charity covers a multitude of sins which are committed in
her name.


8

Life is full of golden opportunities for doing what we do
not want to do.


9

Never compliment a woman and you will earn her undying
enmity. Respect is rarely appreciated by her; but
compliments are always at a premium, even counterfeits being
accepted as greedily as the real.


10

When we grow old we walk unfeelingly over that which we,
in our youth, madly chased.


11

The biggest fool is the one who thinks he can fool others
with impunity without them knowing and resenting it.


12

When we get what we want we are always disappointed to find
that it is not what we wanted.


13

Like does not always worship like: Beauty often worships the
Beast.


14

We were all in the front row when modesty was served out--at
least we think so.


15

Because some men are ruined by intemperance it does not
follow that all should become abstainers, any more than
because some men are ruined by marriage all men should
remain single.


16

What men see in women or women in men to admire is generally
a puzzle to those who know the men and women in question
intimately.


17

The only compliment which a woman really dislikes is that
which is paid to another.


18

Things have changed since Shakespeare's time: men's evil
deeds we write in sympathetic ink; their virtues on marble
tombstones.


19

Our own weaknesses we regard as misfortunes from which we
cannot escape; the weaknesses of others we consider crimes.


20

No matter how well we do, we are sure to be anxious to
impress upon others that what we have achieved is trifling--
compared with that of which we are capable.


21

A woman is not a woman merely by reason of her sex, any more
than an angel is of necessity an angel of light.


22

We are quite able, while hating sin, to pity and be
charitable to the sinner--when we happen to be the sinner
concerned.


23

The commonly accepted idea that a woman of beauty is of
necessity lacking in mental qualities, must have originated
in the head of some woman who possessed neither.


24

The Devil is not as black as he is painted. In fact, he is
more like us than we care to admit.


25

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; and as it is more
blessed to give than to receive, we prefer to do the
wounding.


26

  The naked truth and a naked lie
  Are shocking alike to society.


27

A man often envies another man his physical
qualities--rarely his mental. As we have no soul mirror we
cannot see the reflection of our spiritual deformities.


28

It is easy to have conscientious scruples when they are
profitable.


29

The man who marries for money is a fool, but rarely as big a
fool as he who marries for love.


30

When you have done a man a favor do not insist too earnestly
that it is a mere trifle, or he may take you at your word
and not trouble to repay it; which would be very
disappointing.


31

The gentle art of making enemies is the one natural
accomplishment which is common to all sorts and conditions
of men--and women.


32

What we think of ourselves combined with what others think
of us is a very fair estimate.


33

If a girl cannot make up her mind between two men it is
because she has no mind worth making up.

Besides, any man who will knowingly be one of two is not
worth the trouble of thinking about.


34

If we devoted as much attention to our own affairs as we
freely give to those of others, we and others would be
gainers.


35

Merit, like the show inside a circus, is of comparatively
little use as a drawing card; it is the bluff and buncombe
the banging drum and megaphone of the barker which is the
successful magnet.


36

We always know what we should do under certain
circumstances, but unfortunately we never find circumstances
arranged so as to suit what we do.


37

An over sensitive conscience is simply the evidence of
spiritual dyspepsia. The man who has it is no better than
his fellows.


38

Generosity, as commonly understood, consists in forcing upon
others that for which one has no use.


39

There is a greater difference between really thinking and
only thinking that we think than most of us think.


40

We rashly demand that the devil shall have his due,
forgetting that if that gentleman gets all that is coming to
him it will go badly with some of us.


41

If women knew themselves as well as they know men--and if
men knew women as well as they know themselves--things would
be very much as they are.


42

Before he knows a woman a man often thinks her an angel;
when he knows her he knows--er--better.


43

A critic is one who knows perfectly well how a thing should
be done, but is unable to do it. Therefore we are all the
keenest critics in matters of which we know least.


44

From all enemies and most friends, good Lord, deliver us!


45

Everything comes to the man who waits

but that is no inducement to wait-- for no man wants
everything.

He usually wants one thing in particular-- just that one
which he never gets, no matter how long he waits.


46

When a man has drained the dregs of the bitterness of life,
hope and fear no longer exist in him, only indifference
which produces stupefaction.


47

Forbidden fruit has no attraction until we know that it is
forbidden.


48

A man can be judged from the theatres he frequents and the
ladies who accompany him there.


49

Criticism grows faint in the presence of successful
achievement.


50-51

A man may confess that his judgment was at fault,
but

never that his intentions were other than strictly
honorable.


52

Our last match never ignites except when we are sure it will
not, and are prepared for the worst.


53

It is impossible to serve two masters, and few of us try.
We are satisfied to praise God from whom all blessings flow
while we cash the checks of Mammon.


54

Our own success is due to our indomitable energy and other
deserving traits; that of others largely to blind luck. With
our energy and the good luck of others what could we not
achieve!


55

The trouble with most reformers that they waste their time
and energy trying to reform somebody else.


56

We are convinced in our own minds that every man deserves
what he gets; but, judging from ourselves, not every one
gets what he deserves.


57

If we saw ourselves as others see us we should not believe
our own eyes; but we should have a still lower opinion of
the rest of the world than we now have.


58

When we care we usually don't dare; when we dare we don't
often care.


59

What sounds so sweet as the human voice--to the one who is
doing the talking!


60

Words may be mere wind, but then so is a tornado.


61

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and the world
laughs at you.


62

A proverbial expression is often a crystallized lie which we
should like to believe.


63

Because everything is for the best it does not follow that
it is for our best.


64

It is easier to moralize than to be moral.


65

The difference between an actress on the stage and a woman
not on the stage is a matter of here and there.


66

Ignorance is not so surprising, nor such a mark of
inferiority, as unwillingness to learn.


67

He who grows indignant when his veracity is questioned
generally has good and sufficient reason therefor.


68

Our joys are mainly those of prospect and retrospect.


69

It is not to be expected that the average man should know
what a real woman is like--he so rarely sees one.


70

The Chinese promise and never intend to perform; we promise
and do intend to perform.

The result is about the same.


71

Woman regards the criticizing of her sex as her own
prerogative, and criticizes more bitterly than any man would
think of doing; but she resents any criticism, no matter how
just, from man.


72

Lambs, it is true, gambol, but in due time they all get
fleeced.


73

What we need is some philosopher to tell us how to be happy
when we have every reason for being unhappy.


74

The most striking trait of the average man is unwillingness
to be convinced--that we are right and he is wrong.


75

If man were so constituted that he could pat himself on the
back gracefully, or kick himself effectively, he would spend
most of his spare time doing one or the other.


76

Most of us live as if we expected to be judged from our
epitaph rather than from our conduct.


77

The world is a paradise for fools, a purgatory or worse for
others.


78

When we have the capacity of enjoying we have not the reason
for enjoyment; when we do have good and sufficient grounds
we no longer have the capacity.


79

To be happy, give; to be successful, take; to be happy and
successful, give and take.


80

What a woman admires in a man depends on whether she is
married or single.


81

Confidence given is usually confidence misplaced.


82

Women admire the gilded youth because he is a golden calf.


83

Even those who do not repeat scandal are generally willing
to listen to it. Talk of the virtues of another, and, as a
rule, your hearers will get bored; only hint that you could
a tale unfold and you will secure perfect attention.


84

We forget that once upon a time we were little children; but
the unpleasant fact that we are big children is being
constantly forced upon us, together with the moral certainty
that we shall never be anything else.


85

A man considers his little weaknesses amiable traits;
a woman--a woman will not admit that she has a weakness.


86

God's call, through the still small voice, to preach, is
much more irresistible when megaphoned by a wealthy church.


87

Many who sing loud praises to God, pay heavy tribute to the
devil.


88

If the world is, as is so often whined, growing worse, it is
partly because of our presence in it.


89

The counsel of a good book is far superior to that of a man
who says one thing and does another.


90

If other people would only be as reasonable as we are, what
a heaven this earth would be.


91

The world has no sympathy for the gambler who loses.


92

Trust in God, but keep a sharp lookout on your friends.


93

Tell the truth and you will shame the devil; you will also
surprise him very often.


94

The knowledge that virtue is its own reward is what deters
many from well doing.


95

It requires no particular skill to win the game when Fortune
has dealt you all the trumps.


96

We give much more thought to what is due to us than to what
is due from us.


97

A camel may not be able to pass through the eye of a needle,
but that does not deter many a lobster from trying to do so.


98

The man who sees things as they are is regarded as a madman,
just as those were formerly looked upon who maintained that
the earth was round. The average man sees things as they
seem to be.


99

We are all convinced of the righteousness and reasonableness
of majority rule--when we happen to belong to the majority.


100

The greater his trouble, the more a man hugs it to his
heart.


       *       *       *       *       *
           *       *       *       *
       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustrations:

Readers who are unable to use the fully illustrated html
version of this text may wish to view some individual
pictures, located within the "images" directory of the
html file. Complete page images are named in the form
"pageN.png", using the number of each "Crankism" as
the page number. Drawings alone--without text and its
surrounding decoration--are named in the form "picN.png",
or "picNa.png," "picNb.png" for illustrations that were
made up of separate elements.]