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    | Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has     |
    | been preserved.                                           |
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    | What seems like obvious typographical errors have been    |
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[Illustration: GIDEON WURDZ.]




                             The
                           FOOLISH
                          DICTIONARY

               An exhausting work of reference
              to un-certain English words, their
                 origin, meaning, legitimate
                    and illegitimate use,
                         confused by
                        A FEW PICTURES

                     BY WALLACE GOLDSMITH

                        _Executed by_
                         GIDEON WURDZ
           _Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious
                 Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
                  Gibe Society, etc., etc._

                 COVER DESIGNED BY E.B. BIRD

                  JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY
                      BOSTON   MDCCCCIV




                  _Copyright, 1904, by_ THE
                    ROBINSON, LUCE COMPANY
                   _Boston, Mass., U.S.A._

                  2nd Edition August, 1904.




                              To
                           MY DOG,
                 Who first heard these lines
                     And didn't run away
                             MAD,
                    I Reverently Dedicate
                          This Tome




"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."




_Preface._


In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and
pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the
wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the
author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious
emulation of the worthier--and wordier--works of Webster and
Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who
would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of
fun to the shrine of their great memories.

With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been
the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment
of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid,
this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge.
However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be
born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit
himself worthy of his hire.

In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference
has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few
quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the
rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from

                                                  GIDEON WURDZ.




ABBREVIATIONS.

Bet.              Between.
Dist.             Distinguish.
Eng.              English.
Fr.               French.
Ger.              German.
Grk.              Greek.
Lat.              Latin.
Syn.              Synonym.
v. i.             Verb intransitive.
v. t.             Verb transitive.




It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.


A


Distilled waters run deep.




  =ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, _ad_, and _sinistrum_, meaning
      "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe
      makes the jag last longer)."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ABSTINENCE=

  [Illustration]

  From the Persian _ab_, water, and _stein_, or tankard. Hence,
      water-tankard, or "water wagon."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either win or
      lose a political job. Old spelling, _Axe-session_.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is
      good, but absence of body better.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character.
      Hence, anything tough, or hard.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ADORE= From _add_, annex, and _ore_, meaning wealth. Example,
      foreign nobles who marry American heiresses _adore_ them.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
      mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous
      as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than
      receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give young men when
      they can no longer give them a bad example.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.
      Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try
      to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a
      birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of
      an old maid.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything except
      secrets.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ALDERMAN=

  [Illustration]

  A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.
      _all_, and Greek _derma_, meaning skin--"all skin."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for
      a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, _allay money_).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ALLOPATHY= From Eng. _all_, everybody, and Grk. _pathos_, pain.
      Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk. _homoios_, same,
      and _pathos_. Pain, just the same.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures
      and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three
      syllables.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex
      paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an
      earthly eligible, with money and a heart.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works overtime.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450,
      and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the
      old-fashioned stomach-ache.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on
      the brain and disturbing the peace.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited,
      having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on
      meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe
      sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent
      or a Paderewski.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ATHLETE=

  [Illustration]

  A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the
      ashes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AUTOMOBILE=

  [Illustration]

  From Eng. _ought to_, and Lat. _moveo_, to move. A vehicle which
      ought to move, but frequently can't.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep
      sea diver.




Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.


B


A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.




  =BABY=

  [Illustration]

  From Grk. _babai_, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who
      don't think theirs is a "wonder."

  A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to
      give a wide berth.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BACHELOR= From Latin _baculus_, a stick, unattached. Hence, an
      unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get
      stuck on.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BACKBITER= A mosquito.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BALANCE= Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by
      topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BANDIT= An outlaw. See =ALDERMAN=.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BARBER= A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves
      and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BARS= Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts
      and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of
      beats).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BARGAIN=

  [Illustration]

  A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and
      developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud
      talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and
      foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling _Bark-gain_).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BASEBALL= A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out
      for himself receives no praise for it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BAT= Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without
      the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make
      one short bat.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BEACH= A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with
      lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a
      haven--or heaven--for Smacks the year around.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BENEDICT= A married male.

  =BENEDICTINE= A married female.

  =BENEDICTION= Their children.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BERTH= An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.

  =BIRTH= An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BICYCLE-SKIRT= A abbreviated garment that makes women look
      shorter and men longer.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BIGAMY= A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three
      board bills instead of two.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BILLIOUSNESS= A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BILL-OF-FARE= A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by
      figures in the right-hand column.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BIOGRAPH= A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown
      with tremors.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BIRDIE= A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing
      for a jay.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BIRTHDAY= Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and
      children.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BLUBBER= The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product
      of a live baby.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BLUE= The only color we can feel. =INVISIBLE BLUE= A policeman.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BLUSH= A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the
      physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the
      sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of
      shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the
      vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries,
      whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become
      suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated
      praecordia.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BOARD= An implement for administering corporal punishment, used
      by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a
      shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune
      supper.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BOHEMIA= (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and
      distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention,
      conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few
      chosen.

  =BONE= One Dollar--the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who
      had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BONNETS= A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter
      part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BOODLE= Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in
      by the Graft family.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BORROW= v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BOWER= A shady retreat, in general.

  =BOWERY= A shady retreat in New York.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRACE= Security for the trousers.

  =BRACER= Security for the stomach.

  =BRACELET= Security for the pawn-broker.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRAIN= The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the
      Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and Sarah
      Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous,
      but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in
      gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold
      water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside
      world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the
      Intellect Bros.,--Thoughts and Ideas--as an Intelligence
      Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRAND= Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can
      be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside
      of a long, black bottle.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRASS BAND= A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for
      holding a crowd together.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRICK= An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and
      possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before
      you go to the wall--but never afterward.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BRIMSTONE= A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth
      and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the
      hereafter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BREVITY= A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but
      not in the fireworks.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BROKE= A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too
      much bent on speculating.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BUM= A fallen tough.

  =BUMP= A tough fall.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BUNCO= The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =BY-STANDER= One who is injured in a street fight.




People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.


C


Don't put all your eggs in one basket--try an incubator.




  =CAB= Affair for a drive.

  =CABBY= Driver for a fare.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CACHINNATION=

  [Illustration]

  The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CADDIE= A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls
      for others and find them for himself.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAFE= A place where the public pays the proprietor for the
      privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAJOLE= v. t., From Grk. _kalos_, beautiful, and Eng. _jolly_, to
      jolly beautifully.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CALCIUM= An earthly light that brightens even the stars.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CANNIBAL= A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other
      people.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAPTIVATE= From Lat. _caput_, head, and Eng. _vacate_, or
      empty,--to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated
      men.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAPE= A neck in the sea.

  =CAPER= A foot in the air.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CARNEGIE-ITIS=

  [Illustration]

  A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast
      furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in
      American public libraries.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CART= v. t., To take off.

  =CARTOON= The take-off.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAULIFLOWER= A Cabbage with a college education.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CAVALRY= That arm of the military service that engages in the
      real hoss-tilities.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CEMETERY= The one place where princes and paupers, porters and
      presidents are finally on the dead level.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHAMPAGNE= The stuff that makes the world go round.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHAIR= Four-legged aid to the injured.

  =CHARITY= Forehanded aid to the indigent.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHAUFFEUR= A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile,
      but clever enough not to own one.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHRISTIAN= A member of any orthodox church.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHRISTMAS= A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the
      future is of so much interest as the present.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CHUMP= Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CIGARETTE= A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled,
      and still more insist should never be exhaled.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CINDER= One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CIVILIZATION= An upward growth or tendency that has enabled
      mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a
      feeble war-whoop.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COLLECTOR= A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COLLEGE= From Fr. _colle_, pasted or stuck, and _etude_, study. A
      place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COLONEL=

  [Illustration]

  A male resident of Kentucky.

  See =KERNEL=.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COMPLIMENT= v. t., From Eng. _con_,--hot air, and Lat. _pleo_, to
      fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COMPLEXION= Color for the face. From Eng. _complex_, difficult,
      and _shun_, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the
      druggist.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COMMENDATION= From Eng. _con_, a josh, and _mend_, to fix up.
      Hence, a fixed-up josh.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CONDUCTOR= From Eng. _coin_, and Lat. _duco_, to command. One who
      commands the coin.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CONSCIENCE= The fear of being found out.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COOK= A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for
      Policemen.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CORPS= A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples
      and corps found in arms).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CORSET= From Fr. _corps_, shape, and _sec_, rough. Rough on the
      shape.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COSMETIC= A new face-maker. From Grk. _kosmos_, order, and Eng.
      _medic_, or doctor,--ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)

       *       *       *       *       *

  =COT= A snooze for one.

  =COTILLON= A dance for eight.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CREDIT= Something for nothing.

  =CREDITOR= Something with nothing.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CREDULITY= A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CREMATION= A means of disposing of the dead likely to become very
      popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the
      last retort.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CRITIC= A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CROOK= One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A
      Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CROW= A bird that never complains without caws.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CULTURE= A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made
      women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CUPID= A driver of sharp darts.

  =CUPIDITY= A driver of sharp deals.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =CYNIC= A man who knows the price of everything and the value of
      nothing.




All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.


D


Out of fight, out of coin.--_The Pugilist's Plaint_.




  =DABBLE= v. t., To play in water.

  =DABBLE IN STOCKS=--Same thing.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DACHSHUND= A low-down dog.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DANCE= A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DATES= A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread
      on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which
      are often associated).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEAD= Without life. See Boston.

  =DEADER= Pompeii.

  =DEADEST= Philadelphia.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEADBEAT= One who makes a soft living by sponging it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEBT= A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more
      it is contracted.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEE-LIGHTED=

  [Illustration]

  An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.

       *       *       *       *       *

    (Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4,
    1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent
    editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at
    length).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DELEGATE= From Eng. _dally_, to loaf, and Fr. _gate_, spoiled. A
      spoiled loafer.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEMAGOGUE= From Grk. _demos_, people, and Eng. _gag_. One who
      gags the people.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEMOCRACY= A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard
      Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill
      and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEN= A cavity.

  =DENT= To punch.

  =DENTIST= One who punches the face and fills cavities.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEUCE= An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known
      to beat tray.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DEVIL=

  [Illustration]

  An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary
      McLane.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIAMOND= A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a
      woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIARY= An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad
      give-away.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIGNITY= A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks
      try to stand upon when they have no other support.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DICKENS= An author; polite term for the devil.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIE= An effect.

  =DIET= Frequently a cause.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIMPLE= A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's
      smile.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIPLOMAT= An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a
      rubber neck.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DISCOUNT= Something often sold in place of goods.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DISCRETION= An instinctive perception that enables us to say,
      "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon,
      but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large,
      strong one.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIVE= A gambler's retreat.

  =DIVIDENDS= A gambler's reward.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DIVORCE= Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds
      of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a
      legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DOCK= A place for laying up.

  =DOCTOR= One who lays you up.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DREAM= What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have
      suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come
      true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both
      because they go by contraries.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DRAFT= (=DRAUGHT=) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the
      doctor's bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DROP-STITCH= A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the
      men from paying too much attention to the open-work,
      "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DRUM= Something noisy, and made to beat.

  =DRUMMER= Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk.
      _drimus_, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always
      carries its point and sticks whoever it can.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DUST= Mud with the juice squeezed out.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DYNAMITE=

  [Illustration]

  The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =DYSPEPSIA= A good foundation for a bad temper.




Out of sight, only in mind.--_Ballad of the Blind Beggar_.


E


A word to the wise is useless.




  =EAGLE= The national bird of a Christian country; (the United
      States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of
      pray.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EARL= A title of nobility.

  =EARLY= A title of stupidity. See old saw,

    "Early to bed and early to rise,
    Makes a man a farmer!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EARTH=

  [Illustration]

  A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ECHO= The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ECONOMY= Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a
      luxury to-morrow.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EGG=

  [Illustration]

  A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes
      a cure for indigestion or bad acting.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ELECTION=

  [Illustration]

  A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where
      the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever
      it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and
      even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and
      everything is full--particularly the lodging-houses.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ENCORE= A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his
      money's worth. From the Fr. _en_, among, and _cochon_,
      pig,--common among pigs.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ENGAGEMENT= In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that
      precedes the real hostilities.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ENTHUSIAST= One who preaches four times as much as he believes and
      believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EPITAPH= A statement that usually lies above about the one who
      lies beneath.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EQUATOR=

  [Illustration]

  An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ERR= To make a mistake.

  =ERRATIC= Full of mistakes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ETHER= One of the world's three great composers--the others being
      Gas and Chloroform--whose airs are popular among the
      suffering.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ETIQUETTE= A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a
      virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EVOLUTION= A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a
      monkey of Adam.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EXCURSION= From _ex_. former, and Grk. _kairo_, to enjoy. Hence,
      a tiresome journey--formerly an enjoyment--sold at half price.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EXERCISE= Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a
      ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to
      the wash-tub and the wood-pile.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EXPANSION= A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving
      the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of
      Independence.--Boston.

  The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed
      peoples--Washington, D.C.

  A doubtful commercial experiment.--Wall Street.

  The white man's burden.--Kipling.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EXPLOSION= A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =EXPOSITION= An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year
      or two behind time.




It's never too late to spend.


F


A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.




  =FACE= A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar
      button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The
      crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather,
      or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace
      curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the
      expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with
      lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAILURE= The quickest method known for making money.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FEINT= A pugilist's bluff.

  =FAINT= A woman's bluff.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAITH= A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a
      Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch"
      an invitation to dine.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAKE= A false report.

  =FAKIR= A false reporter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAME= Having a brand of cigars named after you.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAMILY=

  [Illustration]

  Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the
      possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the
      wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FARE.= The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can
      work their fare."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FAULT= About the only thing that is often found where it does not
      exist.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FICTION.= The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created
      equal."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FIDDLER= A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses
      to play a real tune.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FIRMNESS= That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable
      stubbornness in others.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FIG= Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

  =FIG LEAF= A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam
      4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art
      Committees.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FISHING= An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid
      falling asleep in church on Sunday.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLAT= A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in
      which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be
      a Sardine Box.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLATTERY= Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLUE= An escape for hot air.

  =FLUENCY= The art of releasing the same.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLUSH= From Grk. _phlox_, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or
      hand, caused by bodily--or poker--heat.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLY= A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of
      society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FLY-SCREEN= An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FOOT= The understanding of a girl from the west.

  =FOOT-PATH= Chicago, Ill.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FOOTBALL= A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under
      the guise of a reputable game.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FOREIGNER=

  [Illustration]

  One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. _fero_, to
      carry off, and _enara_, spoils. One who carries off the
      spoils.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FORBEARANCE= The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows,
      patiently listens to a fool who does not.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FRANC= Twenty cents, in French.

  =FRANKFURTERS= Four for twenty, in German. Derived from _frank_,
      open, and _fortitude_, meaning brave. Sold in the open and
      eaten by the brave.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FROST= An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =FUN= Joy.

  =FUNCTION= Devoid of joy.




As ye sew, so shall ye rip.


G


Money makes the mayor go.--_Proverbs of Politics._




  =GALLON= From the Fr. _galonner_, to make tight. Note, one is
      sufficient.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GALLANTRY= This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly
      employed to express a deferential attention on the part of the
      man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GAMBLER= From the Grk. _gumnos_, stripped to the skin. And the
      gambler's the one that does it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GARDEN= From the Fr. _garantir_, to make good. Hence, a place
      where lovers make good.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GARLIC= From Grk. _gar_, for, and Lat. _liceor_, to bid. Good for
      the biddies.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GEM= A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a
      precious stone."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GERM= A bit of animal life living in water.

  =GERMAN=

  [Illustration]

  More animal life, living on beer.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GIRAFFE= The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest
      thirst on record.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GLOBE= An all-round proposition which has furnished its
      shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its
      stock is two-thirds water.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GOAT= The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y.
      Elsewhere, not in good odor.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GOLF= An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch
      breath.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GONDOLA= A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs
      and other popular watering places. From Eng. _gone_, and Lat.
      _dolor_, sadness, or Eng. _dollar_. Sadness gone; also, a gone
      dollar.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GORE= Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in
      French duels.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GOSSIP= Derived either from the Grk. _gups_, vulture, or Fr.
      _gosier_, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to
      bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim
      gets a blow.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GOUT= The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the
      lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's
      Foot-Notes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GOWN= From Lat. _gaudium_, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy
      forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GUNPOWDER= A black substance much employed in marking the
      boundary lines of nations.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GUM= A substance for sticking.

  =GUM-GAME= A game in which some one is stuck.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =GUTTER= A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or
      read the reflection of the stars.




There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.


H


Where there's a will there's a lawsuit.




  =HAIR-DRESSER= A linguist whose position in life enables him to
      do his head-work with his hands.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HAMMER= A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths,
      geologists and Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HAMMOCK= From the Lat. _hamus_, hook, and Grk. _makar_, happy.
      Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby
      love-making may be suspended but not stopped during the picnic
      season.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HAND= A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel or The
      Dealer. =GLAD HAND=. The beggar's plea, the politician's
      sceptre and the drummer's ablest assistant.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HANDMAIDEN= A manicure.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HARANGUE= The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From Eng.
      _hear_, and Lat. _angor_, pain. Painful to hear.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HARMONY= From the Grk. _arnumi_, strain. Hence, full of strains.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HASH=?

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HATCH= To develop eggs.

  =HATCHWAY= Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HAY-FEVER= A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a grass
      widow.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEARSE= Seen on the dead.

  =HEARSAY= Heard on the dead.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEARSE= A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a
      tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEART= A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and
      enjoyed only after it is lost or given away.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEAVE= To raise.

  =HEAVEN= A good place to be raised to.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEDGE= A fence.

  =HEDGEHOG= One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HELL= Poverty.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEREDITY= The cause of all our faults. From Fr. _here_, wretch,
      and Eng. _ditty_, song. The song of the wretched.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HEROISM=

  [Illustration]

  A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson and
      Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HIP= A popular location for the retail liquor business.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HISTORY= The evil that men do.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HIT= A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOCK= v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they
      generally "Hock the Kaiser."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOMOEOPATHY= See Allopathy.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOOT MON=! The Scottish National Hymn.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOP= To skip.

  =HOPPER= A skipper.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOPE= A desire for better things to come that makes a grass widow
      willing to try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes
      honored, but generally extended.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration]

  =HORN= A sharp point.

  =HORNET= Still sharper.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HORSE-SENSE= A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on
      the races.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOSE= Man's excuse for wetting the walk.

  =HOSIERY= Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOTEL= A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for poor
      quarters.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HOUSECLEANING= A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the
      government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HUG= A roundabout way of expressing affection.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HUMOR= An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded
      as Rash.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HUNGER= Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HUSBAND= The next thing to a wife. From Eng. _hussy_, woman, and
      _bond_, tie. Tied to a woman.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HYDRANT= From Grk. _hudros_, water, and Eng. _ante_, to give up.
      Something that gives up water. (A good synonym for
      Dipsomaniac).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =HYPOCRITE= A horse dealer. From Grk. _hippos_, horse, and
      _kroteo_, to beat. One who beats you on a horse trade.




Home is where the mortgage is.


I


Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.--_Stage-Door
Secrets_.




  =ICE= A substance frequently associated with a tumble in winter,
      a tumbler in summer, and a skate the year around.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ICEMAN= A cool proposition who has Axe-cess to the best families,
      makes his Weigh in every home and can take his Pick in the
      kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street. "How'd You Like
      to be The Iceman?"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =IDIOT= From Eng. _idea_, and _out_. One who is just out of ideas.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =IDLE= Useless.

  =IDOLIZE= To make useless.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =IMPECUNIOUS= To be in a state of poverty. From Eng. _in_, and
      Lat. _pecco_, to sin, poverty being the greatest of all sins.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =IMPERIOUS= From Eng. _imp_, devil and _aerial_, airy. Airy as the
      devil.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INCANDESCENT LIGHT=

  [Illustration]

  From Lat. _incendo_, to burn, and Eng. _cent_, meaning money. An
      invention for burning money.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INCOME= The reliable offspring of a wise investment. From Lat.
      _in_ and _coma_, meaning sleep. Money which works while you
      sleep.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INDEPENDENCE= Self government. Good enough for a Cuban, but too
      good for a Filipino.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INDIGESTION= A distressing stomach trouble that is sometimes
      temporarily relieved by kicking the cat or whipping the
      children.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INDIVIDUALITY= A harmless trait possessed by one's self. The same
      trait in others is downright idiocy.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INDORSE= To write on the back of; the best indorsed man in town
      being the Sandwich-Man.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INFANT= A disturber of the peace.

  =INFANTRY= A defender of the peace.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INHABITANT= A native of any village, town or city. =OLDEST
      INHABITANT= The Champion Liar.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =INTUITION= A fictitious quality in females--really Suspicion.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =IRRITANT= Something which irritates. =COUNTER IRRITANT= A woman
      shopping.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ISLAND= A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up through the
      water.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ISOLATION= From Eng. _ice_, meaning cold, and Lat. _solus_,
      alone. Alone in the cold.




    After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile-
    And every meal's a supper to the Hobo.


J


Lies have no legs--That's why we all have to stand for them.




  =JACK= An instrument requiring a strong arm, and used for raising
      heavy weights, or for pulling off the boots.

  =JACK-POT= An instrument requiring a strong hand, and used for
      raising heavy bets, or for pulling off the stakes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JAG= From the Spanish word _zaga_, meaning a load packed on the
      outside of a van. In America the load is packed on the inside
      of a man.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JAM=

  [Illustration]

  A pantry composition in A minor.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JANITOR= From _jangle_, to quarrel, and _torrid_, meaning hot.
      Hot and quarrelsome.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JELLY-CAKE= Synonym for Belly-Ache.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JERSEY= Well knit.

  =NEW JERSEY= Well bit. (See Mosquito).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JEW'S HARP=

  [Illustration]

  From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical instrument, the Jew's
      musical instrument being a "Sell low!" (Old spelling, Cello).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JIMMY= An implement employed by men of acquisitive natures who
      cannot afford seats in the Stock Exchange.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JOB= An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JOCKEY= From _jog_, to move slowly, and _key_, something that
      makes fast. Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow,
      according to instructions.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JOINT= Either a low limb from the butcher, or a low quarter in
      town; in either case the lower the tougher.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JOKE= A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood by most;
      in England, requiring a diagram, raised letters and a club.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JOLLY= v. t., To "con" or "josh."

  =JOLLY BOAT= The Ship of State.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JUDGE= One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and
      finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JULEP= An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a mint
      and gives you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JURY= Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =JUSTICE= Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in
      company with Law.




A chip of the old block--A daughter of the Tenderloin.


K


One man's meat is another man's finish--Canned Beef in Cuba.




  =KANGAROO= A hard drinker from Australia, especially fond of
      hops, and generally carrying a load.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KATYDID= A gossiping grasshopper who is always meddling in Katy's
      affairs.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KEEPSAKE= Something given us by someone we've forgotten.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KERNELS= or =COLONELS= Articles often found in cores (or corps)
      and frequently surrounded by shells.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KEROSENE=

  [Illustration]

  An alleged provider of heat and light. From Lat. _carus_, meaning
      expensive and _seneo_, to be weak; expensive but weak. For
      further explanation, consult Standard Oil Company.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KEYHOLE=

  [Illustration]

  A frequent test for sobriety.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KID= Either a boxing-glove or a first-born. In either case, hard
      to handle until well tanned.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KILTS= A Scotchman's apology for indecent exposure.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KINDRED= From Eng. _kin_, meaning relation, and _dread_, meaning
      fear; fearful relations.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KINDERGARTEN= From Ger. _kinder_, children, and Lat. _garritus_,
      a babbling. A place for babbling children.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KINDLING-WOOD= From Ger. _kind_, youth, and Eng. _linger_, to
      loaf. A place where youth generally loafs.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KISS= Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant,
      ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and homage
      for the old.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KISS= An indescribable something that is of no value to any one,
      but is much prized by the right two.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =KNOCKER= A device on doors for rousing people; also, a device on
      foot for the same purpose.




Laugh-in-one's-sleeve--The direct route to the Funny-Bone.


L


Two heads are better than one--particularly on a Barrel of Money.




  =LACE= Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they combine art
      and thrift by lessening the waist.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LACONIC= Shy on words. From Eng. _lack_, meaning want, and
      _connection_; want of connection.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LAMP= A light.

  =LAMPONED= To be lighted on.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LARD= Fat.

  =LARDER= A fattener.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LARK= A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an early
      rising singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with
      the lark," an impossible combination).

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LASSIE= One of the weaker sex.

  =LASSITUDE= Slightly weaker.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LAUD= Praise for the Almighty.

  =LAUDANUM= Prays for himself--after taking.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LAUNDRY= A place where clothes are mangled.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LAUGH= A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary
      or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external
      circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous,
      jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and
      accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation,
      giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LAWYER= One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to
      appropriate it to himself.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LECTURE= An entertainment at which it costs but little to look
      intelligent.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LEGISLATURE=

  [Illustration]

  From Lat. _lego_, to bring together, and _latro_, to bark or
      bluster; possibly from _lex_, law, and _latens_, unknown.
      Hence, a company of men brought together to bluster, or a
      company of law makers who know nothing about law.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LEISURE= From Eng., _lazy_, and _sure_; assured laziness.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LENT= A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned which
      is slow to come back.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LIE= A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one
      discovered up to date.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LIMBURGER= A native of Germany strong enough to do housework;
      well recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LIBRARY= From Fr. _libre_, meaning free, and proper name =ANDY=.
      Something free from Andy Carnegie.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LINKS= Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of
      hazards.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LION= A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is always
      bearded in his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you get
      near enough.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LOBSTER=

  [Illustration]

  The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast. The
      two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green,
      but when roasted turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very
      dependent on both varieties for a living; together they
      furnish her with food, raiment, flats, diamonds, and
      occasionally indigestion.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LOBSTER-NEWBURG= A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually
      get beans at home.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LOVE= A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =LOVER= An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel
      the snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after
      marriage remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you?
      Well, I should say not! I'm no chore boy."




Hell is paved with good intentions--also asbestos.


M


    A fool and his wife are soon parted.
        See Alimony.




  =MAGAZINE= A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MAGNATE= One who can float capital in a considerable body of
      water. From Lat. _magnus_, great, and _nator_, to swim; a
      great swimmer.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MAIDEN LADY= A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to
      avoid hurting her feelings.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MALT= A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off
      and becomes Stout in its old age.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MAN= Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then
      three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MAN-ABOUT-TOWN= One who is on speaking terms with the head
      waiter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MANICURE= The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking
      nails.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MANNERS= A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MARK= In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only
      Twain.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MASCULINE= From Grk. _maskos_, girl, and _eukolos_, easy. Easy
      for the girls.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MASSAGE= A touch, with intent to rub it in.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MATRIMONY= A game for women, in which the unmarried half are
      trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be
      found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MEAL= According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs
      entirely surrounded by booze.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MEDIUM= A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your
      wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MELODEON= An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but
      unpopular next door. From Eng. _melody_, and Latin, _un_,
      without. Warranted without melody.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MENAGERIE= From Fr. _melange_, mixture, and Ger. _riechen_, to
      smell. A mixture of smells.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MESSENGER BOY= From Eng. _miss_, to fail, and Lat. _engeo_, to
      arrive. One who fails to arrive.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =METER= The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MIND= No matter. =MATTER= Never mind.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MINE= A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MINSTREL= A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every
      city.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MIRACLE= A woman who won't talk.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MIST= Generally, a small, light rain. =SCOTCH MIST= A cloudburst.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MITTEN= Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when
      she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MONEY= Society's vindication of vulgarity.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MONOPOLY= A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk.
      _monux_, swift-footed, and _polloi_, the people. A swift kick
      for the people.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MOON= The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MORTGAGE= From Fr. _mort_, death, and Eng. _gag_, to choke. A
      lawyer's invention for choking property to death.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MOSQUITO= A small insect designed by God to make us think better
      of flies.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MOTH= An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And
      the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =MOUSE=

  [Illustration]

  The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.




All gone to 6's and 7's--Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.


N


Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a
woman of thirty.




  =NATURE= The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over
      which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the
      leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NECK= A close connection between chin and chest, used for the
      display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with
      gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber
      industry.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NEGRO= One who votes your way. =NIGGER= One who doesn't.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NEIGHBOR= One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NERVE=

  [Illustration]

  Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him
      pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and
      spoil the hair-brush!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  "=NEXT=" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and
      the unshaved.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NIP= Something bracing from without or within When felt in the
      air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NOBILITY= A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on
      the American Damsel and the American Dollar.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NON-CONDUCTOR= The motorman.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NOSE= A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or
      Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often
      stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has
      his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling,
      sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors'
      affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for
      others.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NOTE= (=PROMISSORY=) "The substance of things long hoped for, the
      evidence of things not seen."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NOVEL= A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be
      well spun.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =NURSE=

  [Illustration]

  One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.




Out of the frying-pan into the face--Mothers' doughnuts.


O


Many hands make light work--also a good Jackpot.




  =OAR=

  [Illustration]

  A popular device for catching crabs.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OATS= England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's
      table-d'hote.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OATH= A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is
      never tried in Sunday School.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OBESITY=

  [Illustration]

  A surplus gone to waist.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OCEAN= An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night
      along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a
      fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every
      port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OLEOMARGARINE= The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. _olio_, a
      mixture, and Grk. _margino_, to be furious. A furious mixture.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OMNIBUS= A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk.
      _oneiros_, dream, and _baino_, to go or move. A dream of
      motion.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ONION= The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom,
      garlic and cabbage being close rivals.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OPERA= A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet
      always sings its own praises. =GRAND OPERA= An excuse for
      displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with
      pedigrees.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OPINION= The prodigal son of Thought. =PUBLIC OPINION= The
      world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a
      hard fought bout.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OPIUM= The real author of "The Dream Book."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OPTIMISM= A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to
      sing though in hot water up to its nose.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ORCHARD= The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again
      occasions the fall.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OSTRICH= The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his
      owners only as a featherweight.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OUTSKIRTS= The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with
      decency.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =OVEN= The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or
      without the dough.




Handsome is what hansoms charge.


P


Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.




  =PAIN= A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly
      the London one.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PALMISTRY= A plausible excuse for holding hands.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PANTS= Trousers' Country Cousins.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PARACHUTE=

  [Illustration]

  A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PARAGON= The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one
      she mistakenly married.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PARENTS= One of the hardships of a minor's life.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PASS= A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite
      able to pay.

  =PASSENGER= One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for
      Deadhead). From Eng. _pass_, to go, and Grk. _endidomi_, to
      give up. One who has to give up to go.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PARROT= An individual who can never be held responsible for what
      he says.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PASTRY= A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married
      housekeepers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PATRIOT= One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a
      lump.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PAWN=

  [Illustration]

  v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your
      Uncle.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PAWNBROKER= A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming
      quality.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PEACE= A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported
      from the Phillipines.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PEACH= A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the
      peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PEARL= A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by
      a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PENITENT= From _pen_, meaning to write, and _intent_, meaning
      determination. One who determines for the right.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PESSIMIST= One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PHILISTINE= In Bible times, one who worried the children of
      Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk.
      _phloios_, bark, and _tino_, to punish. One who barks to
      punish.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PHILANTHROPIST= One who returns to the people publicly a small
      percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles
      himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is no
      disgrace in being poor.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable
      penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows
      its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and
      crockery dealers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the
      children of a woman who might have married him instead.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a
      correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever
      Extravagance steps in.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but
      only after careful grafting.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of.

  =PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you
      with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process
      vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the
      pole the better.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =POLICEMAN=

  [Illustration]

  A never present help in time of trouble.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant,
      Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant,
      Monopoly.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example,
      Progress and Congress.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRUDE= A native of Boston.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from
      trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does
      a loss of hair.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house
      veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well
      preserved.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never
      gives up till he's out.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PULLMAN PORTER= A legalized train-robber.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =PUNCH= A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the
      death of Humor.




Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper
or radium--there's more in it.


Q


Charity begins at home--but ends when you reach The Cook.




  =QUACK= The Duck family's favorite physician.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =QUAIL=

  [Illustration]

  v. t., To shrink--a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a
      restaurant.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =QUEEN= One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a
      knave.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =QUESTION= Is marriage a failure?

       *       *       *       *       *

  =QUEUE= The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =QUORUM= A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on
      hand when needed.




Faint heart never won fair lady--but a full purse can always pull
the trick.


R


Man proposes, then woman imposes.




  =RABBIT= A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on
      grass and burrows in the earth. =WELSH RABBIT= More like a
      string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RACE-TRACK= An interesting locality, where pools are bought and
      sold in books and the heat never interferes with the search
      for the Pole.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RADIUM= A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of
      radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a
      ruthless rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed
      radius of a raging, raving and raided race.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RAG-TIME= Music pulled into many pieces--the invention of a
      flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RAPID TRANSIT= A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of
      the long suffering--and slow moving--public.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REFORM= In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked
      heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of
      ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and
      a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic
      invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been
      confined to a Low attempt at government.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REFORMER= One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat
      out of the bag.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REGISTER=

  [Illustration]

  The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REGRETS= An excuse for non-attendance at a social function.
      Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of
      praise at deliverance from evil.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RELATIONS= A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest
      knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when
      to die.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RELIGION= A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be
      warm enough without one in the next.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =R.E. MORSE= A veteran General who commands the largest army in
      the world.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REPARTEE= The sassy habit of talking back.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REPUTATION= A personal possession, frequently not discovered
      until lost.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RESIDENCE= A rural locality inhabited annually--for a few
      hours--by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RESOLUTION= A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day
      of January and usually broken on the second.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RESORT= (=SUMMER=) A place where the tired grow more tired. From
      Eng. _rest_, and Grk. _orizo_, to limit. A place where rest is
      limited.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =REST= A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RESTAURANT= An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat.
      _restauro_, to repair, and Grk. _anti_, against. After
      patronizing, you're "up against repairs."

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RHETORIC= Language in a dress suit.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RICE= An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or
      the newly-married.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ROQUEFORT= A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the
      first rank.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ROYCROFTER= A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From
      Fr. _roi_, king, and old Saxon _crofter_, or grafter. King of
      Grafters.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RUMOR= The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a monster
      with more tales than an octopus.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =RUST= Physical dullness.

  =RUSTIC= Mental dullness.




Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often chews what
he begs.


S


A miss is as good as her smile.




  =SADDUCEE= A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless,
      hence sad you see.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SAILOR= A man who makes his living on water but never touches it
      on shore.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SANDWICH= An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SAUSAGE= An aftermath of the dog-days.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SCAFFOLD= A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SCARECROW= An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SCORCHER= A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SCULPTOR= A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SELF-MADE= Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SHAMROCK= A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time
      winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SHEPHERD= One who depends on a crook for a living.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SHIRT= Every man's bosom friend.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SILVER= A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential
      impossibilities.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SINNER= A stupid person who gets found out.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SNAP= A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger
      to take the cake.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SNORE= An unfavorable report from headquarters.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SOROSIS= A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated
      grounds.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SPAGHETTI= A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From
      Lat. _spadix_, branch, or fork, and _gestamen_, burden. A
      burden for the fork.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SPIDER= A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line
      by every post.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =STARS= The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens
      for ages.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =STAYS= A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =STOCKINGS= Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =STOCKS= An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If
      you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =STOVE-PIPE=

  [Illustration]

  A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SPRING= Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except
      in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SPINSTER= An ember from which the sparks have flown.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SUBWAY= In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous
      disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and
      battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law,
      and the entry-fee is five cents.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SUCCESS= A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in
      cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in
      searching for a larger target.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SUMMER= An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural
      cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and
      the Iceman.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SUN= A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily,
      operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints
      pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and
      tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always
      has a shine.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SYMPATHY=

  [Illustration]

  Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =SYNDICATE= A conspiracy to extend the modest business established
      by Captain Kidd.




Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst
Knocker in the world.


T


Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of of a bicycle
skirt.




  =TAILOR= One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a
      fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TALK= A continuous performance playing daily and nightly
      engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the
      Family Circle.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TELEGRAM=

  [Illustration]

  A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a
      boy in sleep.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TELEPHONE= From Eng. _tell_, to talk, and Grk. _phonos_, murder.
      A machine in which talk is murdered.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TENNIS= A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the
      side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive
      them from set to set and love scores as often as it's
      mentioned.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TEMPER= A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife
      blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =THERMOMETER=

  [Illustration]

  A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and usually does a
      poor job.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =THIRST= A sensation immediately following a short session at the
      free lunch stand.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TIDE= An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in
      whenever he gets over the bay.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TITIAN= The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon
      as her father strikes oil.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TIPS= Wages we pay other people's hired help.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TOBACCO= A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two
      creatures; a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't know
      any better.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TONGUE= An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an
      artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among
      women.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TOUCH= A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a
      feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TRANSFER= A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able
      to carry a heavy man several miles.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TROLLEY-CAR= A conveyance filled with advertisements, and
      occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TROUBLE= Something that many are looking for but no one wants.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TRUST= A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TWINS= Insult added to Injury.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =TWISTERS=

  [Illustration]

  An undesirable thing to have on hand.




It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.


U V


There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood,
leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the
ebb.




  =UMBRELLA= A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but,
      like skating, never seen after Lent.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =UNBOSOMED=

  [Illustration]

  A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =UNION= An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and
      liable to strike without warning.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =UMPIRE= No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =USHER= One who takes a leading part in a theatre.




  =VACCINATION= Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =VAUDEVILLE= From Lat. _vaut_, good for, and _villageois_,
      countryman. Good for countrymen.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =VERANDA=

  [Illustration]

  An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =VEST= A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =VIRTUE= A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but
      rarely with beauty.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =VULGARITY= The conduct of others.




A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.


W


But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.




  =WAITER= An Inn-experienced servant.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WAR= A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a
      small way, would produce only murderers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WATER= A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak
      buyers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WEDDING= A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and
      the groom is often sold.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WEEDS= Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry
      the widow.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WICKEDNESS= A myth invented by good people to account for the
      singular attractiveness of others.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WIDOW= The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she
      golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WHISKY= Trouble put up in liquid form.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WIND= An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral
      agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold),
      impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged
      passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal
      stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs,
      blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons.
      Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with
      Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WOMAN= An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
      slightly flattened at the polls.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WORD= Something you must keep after giving it to another.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WORRY= A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every
      time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =WRINKLES= A merchant's trade-marks.




It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.


X Y Z


A Ride goeth before a Fall.--
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon,
Rail, and Go-Cart.




  =X RAYS=

  [Illustration]

  Ten dollars from a friend.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YARN= An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill
      yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YAWL= Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never
      a cat-boat.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YAWNS= The air-breaks on a sleeper.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YEAR= A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the
      other 40 are Lent.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YELLOW FEVER= A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YOLK= The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.

  =YOKE= The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the
      married.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YULE-LOG= A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke,
      too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =YOUTH= The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its
      own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high
      places of Earth and with its currents of Thought
      short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ZEALOT= One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to
      maintain it.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ZEBRA= The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for
      life.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ZERO= Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a
      thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the
      400.

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ZIGZAG= The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The
      longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  =ZOUAVE=

  [Illustration]

  The original Mrs. Bloomer.




_Postage and Postal Information_.

_How to Mail a Letter_.


After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round
ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a
legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a
good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand
corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a
clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a
love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a
faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill,
by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear
he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office
warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen
to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.


=First-class Matter.=

Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress
read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also,
postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you
think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a
Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey,
lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent
route.


=Second-class Matter.=

This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers,
who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper
the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of
one cent a pound.


=Third-class Matter.=

While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound,
books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go
third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must
also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office
employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.


=Fourth-class Matter.=

Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives,
live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a
bad odor. The last two do not include _The Police Gazette_ or _The
Philistine_.




_A Few Mythological and Classical Names._

_Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor._


ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering
business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the
heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Long life often depends on being well heeled.=

       *       *       *       *       *

ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Bores have been the death of us ever since.=

       *       *       *       *       *

BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that
made Olympus famous.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is
willin'."=

       *       *       *       *       *

CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece,
Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister,
Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping
with Paris.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no
sign he can manage a woman.=

       *       *       *       *       *

CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several
snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's
a cinch he's not far from Hell.=

       *       *       *       *       *

CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to
the Other World--if they paid him first.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare
in advance.=

       *       *       *       *       *

CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and arrows
punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a
decollette gown.=

       *       *       *       *       *

DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and successfully
operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son, Icarus, tried the
trick, went too high and fell into the sea.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.=

       *       *       *       *       *

DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the unmarried
only!=

       *       *       *       *       *

HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an
independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all
the work it wanted.=

       *       *       *       *       *

IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.=

       *       *       *       *       *

LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves and
went to sleep.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep
awake.=

       *       *       *       *       *

MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes and
knew how "to get there" in a hurry.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a
public thoroughfare.=

       *       *       *       *       *

MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all that
he touched.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold
whoever they touch.=

       *       *       *       *       *

SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first
loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in
the sea!"=

       *       *       *       *       *

TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger
and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond
reach.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same
result--besides costing you the fifty.=

       *       *       *       *       *

TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and
saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing
and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=

       *       *       *       *       *

VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.=




_Legal and Local Holidays in the United States._


=JANUARY 1, New Year's Day.= On this day the Flowing Bowl is
filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three
States and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New
Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory
there is no celebration. The natives are too busy collecting good
resolutions and bad bills.

       *       *       *       *       *

=FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.= (George, not Booker), is
remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public
schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and
Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt.
Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's
"Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with
the "Washington Post March," and the scholars all eat Washington
Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."

       *       *       *       *       *

=MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day=, when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from
Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and
put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--the
green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same
place.

       *       *       *       *       *

=APRIL 19, Patriot's Day.= A New England successor to FAST DAY--the
slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer.
Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a
Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at
his Tub.

    Little drops of water,
      Little lines of hose,
    Make the mighty Muster
      As ev'ry Laddie knows.

       *       *       *       *       *

=MAY 1, Moving Day.= Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.

       *       *       *       *       *

    =APRIL 26= }                 { =In "Dixie"=
    =MAY 30=   } =Memorial Days= { =In the North=

A Symphony in Blue and Gray.

       *       *       *       *       *

=JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day.= Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a
procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a few of
the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and
occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours,
pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America _ad
lib_.

       *       *       *       *       *

=JULY 4, Independence Day.= A national holiday, invented for the
benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon
vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and
surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar of
battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose a night's
rest--or a finger.

       *       *       *       *       *

=LABOR DAY, First Monday in September.= The only day when labor
works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in
place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real
silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.

       *       *       *       *       *

=THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November).= A day devoted to the
annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the side--by the Hung'ry
folks.

       *       *       *       *       *

=DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day.= Another national holiday, marked by
the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a lot
of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went up the
flue long ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and robbing
the forest of its young; swapping several things we'd like to keep
for a lot of stuff we don't want; and, finally, putting on in church
a Sunday night performance of light opera, known as "The Sabbath
School Concert."

       *       *       *       *       *

    +-----------------------------------------------------------+
    | Typographical errors corrected in text:                   |
    |                                                           |
    | In the main dictionary section:                           |
    | under ANCESTORS: parodox corrected to paradox             |
    | section title AUTOMBILIST corrected to AUTOMOBILIST       |
    | under BABY: noctural corrected to nocturnal               |
    | under DANCE: physicial corrected to physical              |
    | under ENTHUSIAST: belives corrected to believes           |
    | section title PHILOSPHER corrected to PHILOSOPHER         |
    | under PIANO: freguently corrected to frequently           |
    | under SADDUCEE: religous corrected to religious           |
    | under STOVE-PIPE: recepatcle corrected to receptacle      |
    | under SUN: developes corrected to develops                |
    | under WAR: planed corrected to planned                    |
    |                                                           |
    | In the section after the dictionary:                      |
    | section title CASTOR AND POLLOX corrected to              |
    |   CASTOR AND POLLUX                                       |
    |                                                           |
    +-----------------------------------------------------------+

       *       *       *       *       *